#and how different my writing sounds and how much my general process has changed

[pyro-sea]

Sometimes when you take a break for a while, you come back and you're rusty. So you work on shaking off the rust. And once the rust and the dust and the cobwebs have started to clear, you have to grapple with the reality that you're not only rusty, but your style has changed. You're not the same as you once were. You might have grown into improvement during your much-needed rest, but you still cannot return to create in the same voice that you used to.

Your creations are different now. And you have to face that.

[comicaurora]

Hi! I finally got the chance to read Aurora a bit ago. It's a wonderful story--all I was expecting and better! I was particularly amazed and delighted by the artwork and visual mechanics used to tell the story, so I wrote a post to yell about how cool it is and break some of it down. (No criticism, just praise.) I'm mostly a hobbyist, so I'm hoping I've done it justice.

That said: zero pressure to read it or respond to this ask. Normally I wouldn't send it since I tagged, but I know Tumblr's notifs are a mess and things get lost very easily. I've been in both the "one (1) word of praise will feed me for a year" and the "oh gods don't talk about my writing/art because anything that seems Off will break my brain" modes before, and I absolutely don't want to push or make you uncomfortable!

If you are comfortable, however, I wanted to ask about your use of what I'm assuming are Screen and blending modes in sound effect words. (I'm only guessing that's the technique, though, so I could be totally wrong about how it's done! I'm mostly experienced in image manipulation in Photoshop.) Making them semi-transparent over the actions is genius :) What inspired you to do that, and are there specific techniques you use to make it work?

Same questions go for using specific colors to distinguish different characters' words and actions. I really noticed it in the cave sequence with Falst and Dainix, since their colors are so vivid in the dark (ex. Falst's little swats and Dainix's swooping kick at 1.20.9). It lends excellent clarity to busy scenes.

Thanks! Have a lovely day, enjoy your break, and happy holidays <3

You're correct about the technique! "Screen" is the blend mode I use most often for sound effects. I stumbled on it mostly through trial and error - I love how sound effects add depth to a comic panel, but it's very easy for them to obscure the art in a way I find counterproductive, so "Screen" lets me put the sound effect directly over the origin of the sound while still letting it be visible through the word. Early chapters didn't have it as much-

Most of the sound effects in early chapters are just solid colors with reduced opacity if I'm feeling fancy. But I started figuring it out around chapter 8 and 9, because Falst is kind of a sound-effect-heavy guy, especially in his fight scenes.

In order to make sure they don't impede the visibility of the action, I'll often soft-erase the top or bottom half of the SFX to reduce its opacity while still leaving it readable.

I'll usually double that up with an outline on the SFX so it's still readable. This is an especially important consideration if the SFX goes over an area of the background that's very bright or glowing.

Color-coding the speed lines and SFX to the character or force causing them isn't a hard and fast rule, but I like using it (in part because it's a habit from the OSP illustrations, where every character has a single pop of color in their lineart) mostly because it sort of codes every sound to make it clear where it's emanating from, or the general feeling of the sound. Since I normally do character-colors for SFX, something like this stands out more jarringly-

Which it's supposed to, but a big lightning strike doesn't register as anything too worrying because it's just Tess up to her usual shenanigans.

It's also very useful for magic effects, because each form of magic has its own associated palette.

And when I had a very complicated fight scene in a dark environment, I used the texture pattern I'd already made for the monster to color its SFX, so when I Screened them onto the panels they didn't obscure too much while still communicating "this is something else."

Changing the weight, lined-vs-not-lined, and opacity of the SFX words also helps to communicate that not every sound has the same feeling. A strong motion is solid and aggressive, but a crackling, unstable sound is more ephemeral and staticky.

It's definitely been a process of learning as I go - looking back at the earlier chapters I can actually see when I first tried various tricks I now use regularly, like doubling and distorting an SFX to produce the effect of a camera-shaking impact. I haven't really seen any other comics that do it like I do, probably because most other comics follow a more traditional production pipeline where text bubbles and sound effects get locked into the composition early, before the inking stage, because traditional physical comics don't have digital-art layers to play with. Adding sound effects to a page is almost the last thing I do before exporting them, and that only works because digital art and layers allow for a ton of flexibility.

[louroth]

Hello everyone :> 

It's been a month! it's incredible how much my life has changed- while I'm still adjusting I'm just...still walking on clouds. it feels unreal. the patreon took off and I can almost make a living wage on it which is frankly fucking insane, and the discord is so vibrant it scared me for a moment (not anymore- shooting the shit with the people there is the favorite part of my day, even if I sometimes just leave a trail of emotes lskjdhajksdhkjasd.) I couldn't have asked for a better community. YES I am crying about it. Thank you, so, so much. I am cradling your face in my hands. crying.

But as always, enough of my bleeding heart. Let's get to it!

The first two weeks after posting the update, I took a sort of quasi vacation and only wrote a handful of story-words each day, and spent some time fooling around in the discord + brushed off my smut archive to refine for Patreon. There are already 4 stories up, and a new one coming tomorrow- though I haven't decided yet whether it will be possessive/jealous L sfw short or one very nasty short where you come across a particularly insistent species of vines while trekking the forest. hehe. we'll see. >:3

But, even though I had to rest not to combust after work, I am very pleased to say that the next chapter is coming along great, with the skeleton finished for its entirety, and about 45% and some change already written (it's very hard to gauge because I jump around a lot when I write.) This is the final chapter before the forest, filled with action and the heart wrenching drama of offering tenderness to a certain someone, and deciding for your hunter when enough is truly enough. I have teared up writing certain scenes and I genuinely cannot wait for you to experience this next part yourselves. 

It is so funny reading things I wrote for this chapter six months ago, or longer, because I knew exactly what emotions I wanted to bake in and couldn't really nail it, but now it is coming together beautifully! Sure, it will still be wonky first draft writing, but the core is there and that is all that matters for now. I'm saying soon™ for the update for now, because I am allowing myself to adapt to writing full time- I didn't quit my job to become my own nightmare boss, and I truly want to enjoy this process. I think, in the long run, it will result in a better story. Patience is my mantra. All in due time- I cannot force quality creative work. But by everything wretched and sinful, I cannot wait to share this next part with you!!! I'm frothing at the mouth!!!

In other news, y'all. I need to get organized. I get heartburn thinking about all the different variations of files and notes and notebooks and scraps of paper and variables and branches of plot and just generally, the things to keep track of is getting to the point of a dragon hoard of scary 'oh no I forgot about that part'. I'm gritting my teeth through it until this chapter is out, but after it, I am going to spend some time to

 1) get my shit together in gorgeous, beautiful spreadsheets

2) get serious about finding beta- and proofreaders. (me @ u: 🥺)

But that's it, my friends! I scrapped an entire progress report because I started sounded corporate and listing points which was just... sad. I really hope I evolve into writing these in a more fun way, which would make them more fun for you to read too! But for now, I think this will do. I hope you have a beautiful day/night, and if you would like to see more in depth dev-logs of my writing life, or random sneak peeks, I post those weekly on patreon!

Or join our discord, which. It's just the nicest place, I can't even come up with words that do it justice. It's my favorite daily newspaper.

Until next time! x

[carawenfiction]

Will we have an update soon?

Tumblr won't let me make normal posts for some reason, so the update will have to be in form of an answer to this ask smh. Anyway:

Hey everyone!

This post is long overdue, I know. I’m really sorry to those who have been worried about my wellbeing, as well as those who have been waiting around for an update for so long.

I’ve put off writing here because this “update” is something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. But I can’t keep going back and forth on it forever, which is why I’m now letting you all know that the Shadow Society is officially discontinued.

I know that this might not come as much of a surprise to anyone at this point. I’ve tried to salvage the story by remaking it into something I’m happy with through a rewrite. But I’ve rewritten the rewrite itself more than once, and no matter what I do, I’m just not happy with the result. Rewriting something that’s already published with all the coding it involves is a lot more tricky than I initially thought it would be.

This is not a case of me being needlessly harsh on myself, however; it’s simply a truth I’ve come to realize after struggling to find a way to keep going with the story. I’ll never be fully content with it, or even content enough, unless I’d be able to completely remake and rewrite everything from scratch – and consequentially, I will never find enough motivation to continue because of how unhappy I am with it.

I’ve seen some speculation about my reason for rewriting the story and my long absence, and that they’ve had to do with comparisons to other IFs (well, you know which one). This isn’t entirely the case. While the comparisons did happen and probably still do, and while they were discouraging in the beginning, I can definitely understand where people have been coming from when making them. I talked about this more in-depth in the forums right after the release of TSS.

The main reason for why I can’t continue is that it’s not a series I feel passionate enough about to work on. My tastes have changed, and so has my writing to some degree. I’ve tried to convince myself that I am passionate about it. It’s hard to admit that you’re not when it’s been in your head for so long, when you’ve tried for so long to make this work and when you know that one part is published and that some people are anticipating a continuation. But it had to be done sooner or later.

Other reasons:

-While I don’t think that my writing style has changed drastically, I feel like it is somewhat different from how I wrote back in 2018 (which is a GOOD thing). Whenever I tried working on the rewrite or second book and attempted to emulate the writing of TSS, it just didn’t sound right anymore, and that took a lot of fun out of it.

-With everything that has happened with CoG over the past few years, they are no longer a company I want to write for.

Please know that none of this has discouraged me from writing in general. I still love doing it. If anything, this has taught me a lot about what I actually want to write and the writing process in general. Whether I end up publishing anything else in the future or will simply do so for my own enjoyment we’ll just have to see, though.

I still have the idea of a shadow-like world in my head, and maybe it’s one I will revisit at some point. Maybe there will be another version of TSS someday, albeit very different from the original one.

But for now, I can only thank you all for the overwhelming love and support over the years, and apologize for any disappointment this has caused. If people are interested, I’d be happy to share parts of the rewrite and unused ideas. The Tumblr page will still stay up at least for some time, but I will probably not be answering any asks from here on out.

EDIT: Forgot to add, but if anyone wants a genuinely amazing IF read you should check out my friend's wip here: https://uroboros-if.tumblr.com/ ❤️ Play the demo here: https://mistyriousness.itch.io/uroboros

[theeternalwombtarot]

about me ♡

This is what I look like, obviously lol ^^

- my name is Bayyinah (by-ee-nuh) , it means the clear evidence that god does exist. From sura 98, of the Quran

- California native, born and raised 🐻❤️

- I was raised muslim, but chose a different life path for myself and fell in love with spirituality and found my purpose.

- I prioritize self expression and being intentional about everything I say and do. What you see is what you get with me, and I never say anything I don’t mean, I never do anything I don’t feel called to do.

- I love the arts & the process of creation and have always since I was really little.

-I’m a big fan of aesthetics and visual stimuli, and I love Pinterest and organizing all the little pictures.

- my big three are: Sagittarius sun, cancer moon, and Virgo rising.

- both my venus and mars are in scorpio. I’m in love with love. A great deal of my life lessons are learned through my interpersonal relationships.

- I’m very passionate about children, motherhood and the home. My moon is in cancer and I have heavy influences in my life surrounding motherhood, my relationship with my mother, and the dynamics and things I’ve experienced growing up. A large quantity of my work, and my lives purpose has to do with breaking generational curses/trauma, spinning gold out of my experiences, and creating room and creating change for youth.

- I’m on my journey to become a certified and licensed midwife, but I have various career goals and dreams but one of my largest is to open up a school or an educational institution to better suit the needs of children and aid in their health and growth. I believe that schooling and the home are large foundations in the lives of our youth and if I can’t be all of their mothers I can curate an aligned space for them as they spend the rest of their time learning and growing in schools and in the community.

-I love makeup and fashion and the process of putting myself together. I’ve been doing makeup for years and I genuinely enjoy it.

-I’m known for my compassion and empathy and my ability to connect with others.

-my dream is to create and have a better world and I do my part in helping the collective by using my gifts for good, using my heart and my empathy to help heal and create space for others where there wasn’t space for them before.

- I have dyscalculia and struggled with it all my life until I eventually aged out of school and before I moved onto receiving higher education. My mind simply does not process numerical information or processes well. I was either always told that I needed to practice more or that I was simply stupid, neither were the case, but I struggled with a lot insecurity growing up and I always felt like I didn’t really belong in educational settings because of this set back.

- I am extremely nitpicky and specific about what it is that I want and how I like things to be and that’s been a consistent trait within my life, all my life. I’m known for how specific and finely curated my output is into the world. And I am incredibly sensitive about the things I choose for myself and the things that remain and occupy my life.

- I struggled with having an anxious attachment style for a really long time. It took me a long time to understand my worth, understand that I was worth keeping, having, loving, paying attention to. And that my worth wasn’t what I could do for others or how much I could tolerate or how much I could stand beside someone through thick and thin and hell and back.

likes:

- I love writing. Journaling, writing stories,etc. my goal is to write and release a novel of my own soon.

- I love smooth jazz, classical music and frequency music, probably a whole lot more than regular music and non instrumentals. I tend to be a little sensitive to stimuli or can feel very easily overwhelmed. So instrumentals and softer music and sounds are really wonderful to me and I love them.

- I love cooking and baking (but only when I feel like it) I like good food, and I’m sort of a foodie. I would travel all over the place just to taste the world if I could. And I love spicy food and Mexican Candy and dumping loads of chili flakes on my food for no reason.

-I love history, and have stored random historical facts in my brain because I just think it’s so interesting.

- I love period pieces and period romances. Romance films, and horror movies. I consume mostly romantic content on purpose.

- I love the sims

-I love animals, and my favorite animal is a cow. If you look up the spiritual significance of a cow as well I think it’s really beautiful. I also really love my cat. She’s my favorite person.

Dislikes:

- I hate being or feeling misunderstood, it took me a lot of time to learn that I didn’t have to bend over backwards to make people see me for who I was or for my intentions or for my gifts or what I can do. The best I can do is be honest and remain intentional about what I do and hope that those who are meant to hear me, will.

- I hate people who have such deeply rooted hatred or disdain for other people who’ve done nothing but do what makes them happy or live in their truth. I hate homophobic people, racists, bigots, red pill men and misogynist, etc.

- I hate it when people can’t take accountability for their actions, are dishonest or lack self awareness on such a deep level that they make everyone else miserable or have a hard time because they refuse to see themselves or grow. I hate it when people don’t grow. I’ve lost a lot of friends and had to let go of a lot of people who couldn’t do what I could do for them, be in alignment with me, or prioritize their healing, alignment, or growth.

- i hate it when there’s too many sounds playing at once, there are certain sounds and stimuli i just can’t tolerate and won’t.

- I hate it when I have to buy new jeans or pants because finding good pants is hard and I never know if the size I think I am is accurate because some pants brands make their pants differently. And I’ll never know if I’ll have that stupid gap in the back of my pants bc of my waist.

- I hate being super cold. I have anemia and the cold really whoops my ass every time. That’s one fight I just won’t win.

- people not valuing my needs or continuing to do something I said I didn’t like or invalidating me because they can’t fathom the fact that other people have different needs, or that just because you feel some way doesn’t mean someone else shares the same sentiment.

- I hate it when things don’t match or aren’t aesthetically coordinated in some way shape or form. Everything must match.

-I hate it when I can’t find the pen I’ve been obsessed with and I hate mechanical pencils with thick lead.

***

Ok, that’s all lol. ❤️‼️

[coldresolve]

hi, anon who asked about your writing process here 👋

i have returned from the trenches (university tests) to ask some specific(ish) questions.

1. how do you choreograph fights? they're quite easy to follow along, exciting/unique, and still maintain a sense of realism, all of which i tend to struggle with.

2. how do you write renee's internal monologue, especially when it comes to his little panicked moments and varying pacing?

3. how do you build and release tension so effectively in the story itself? obsessed with the "Renee stops running" part

4. how do you switch perspectives fluidly?

ik it's a lot of questions, but this is the condensed version so i count it as a win (?)

my favourite way to procrastinate recently has been annotating mm and i just. need to understand how your writing brain works a little. thanks :)

obligatory 'writing is subjective so take what you find useful and discard the stuff doesnt apply to you' and 'im not an expert in anything, this is just the shit i try to keep in mind' and 'i may sound disjointed as hell cause its 4am 5am and i cant sleep' etc

under a cut for mercy reasons

writing fight scenes

things you need to set up for your readers: character drives and aim with the fight itself, the stakes of losing, and how it all ties in with your wider story

things for you to keep in mind: how much fighting experience your character have, how your character's state of mind affects their behavior, their relationship to violence and/or how far they're willing to go

subverting expectations will keep people on their toes. this can be as simple as changing the stakes of the fight midway through, or having a character do something that isn't typical for them (which you should set up before so it doesnt feel too out of place)

make each (or most) impact/s mean something. getting kicked in the side of the mid-thigh will make a character limp for a bit; a hard enough hit to the liver will make anyone crumple; etc. dont make your characters, no matter how badass theyre supposed to be, immune to this, since that would erase the stakes entirely

fights are usually chaotic and short-lived. depends on what genre you're writing, though

give your characters (short) moments to react to what their opponent is doing/trying to do. dialogue is cool, but keep it sparse. people generally don't prioritize clever quips when theyre beating the shit out of each other. sometimes a simple "motherfucker" is enough

im bad at this one but characters using their environment during fights is fucken nice and helps with immersion

fights are more or less just a string of reaction-action over and over, and it can get sort of repetitive going back and forth to describe every punch, since it removes your reader's ability to imagine or read between the lines. meanwhile, if you never go deeper than 'they exchanged blows', you lose all sense of atmosphere - it's not supposed to feel like a detached news report, you want your readers to be there. so writing fight scenes is basically a balancing act in detail - how much to show, how much to suggest. whats the right answer? there is none, sorry. no two authors will have the same approach, but both can pump out riveting shit with wildly different approaches. its something you learn over time. im personally in the lots-of-detail camp

people will tell you that sentence length matters, but thats bullshit imo, it's just about using flow effectively. a good example of what i mean: short sentences make the pace seem quicker, but run-on sentences in particular have this neat thing where they can make your readers almost out of breath by the end of it, which is also pretty useful when you're writing something high-tension.

there's tons more shit than this but my brain is a puddle of goo, so

renee's internal monologue

ayyy! internal monologue is your opportunity to shovel around the grey matter of your characters, its the Good Stuff imo. in the case of mm, the plot is largely driven by character development, so its been hella important to me to express why each character (except davin) does what they do, what thought process lead them to change their minds, and in renee's case - the flaws in his reasoning, the lies he tells himself, and how he reacts when those things no longer help him cope with what he's done

pacing is sth im insanely mindful of but unable to effectively put into words lmfao. if you mean renee's entire internal arc, it follows the narrative tension in the story; renee is the protagonist, he's the one driving the plot forward. as for pacing out any internal monologue itself, i try to have it follow somewhat of a 3 beat structure with setup/elaboration/conclusion (most of what i write happens in 3s), but some monologues have veered off if i felt like it was called for (it's a vibes thing). flow is important: one thought has to lead to the next, and it has to reach a "logical" conclusion (whatever the character decides is logical at that point of their arc). it has to be relevant to the plot obv, and the atmosphere also has to compliment the scene/chapter it exists in. otherwise, yeah, like. theres not much of a difference between pacing a normal scene and pacing an internal monologue

building and releasing tension

idk if you saw it but i made a whole post squeezing mm into a model for narrative tension here

so ok, listen. this is all wishy washy and means nothing, except it means everything. its the entire structure of your story which is pretty important, but like also its just a vibe thing. the reason you've heard about setup/payoff in writing advice circles is because of the build and release of tension. it's a pacing thing. if you set something up without having a payoff down the line, unless you're writing a mystery and your setup is a red herring, your readers are gonna come away disappointed. it's about what rhythm you've established and how an average person might expect it to continue. we're making music here. if you payoff something (payoff is a verb now) without having set it up previously, you've essentially just smashed all the piano keys in the middle of claire de lune with no warning. and you can do that, but you have to know that that's what you're doing, otherwise its gonna sound like you smashed all the keys solely to keep your audience on edge, even though it adds nothing to the song itself. this is all pacing. everything is pacing, including tension

building and releasing tension is about making music. you typically start out low and then you gradually turn it up. and you might have a moment where it gets a little low again but now the audience knows its been up there before so there's more intrigue, you've set an expectation. and then you build it and you take it a little further than the last time. you add harmonics maybe, if harmonics are your thing. you keep teasing the climax. that sounds like sex and to be fair music is kinda like sex. so is narrative tension. you add a funky little kazoo in there an the crowd definitely did not expect that, but if you've got a vision, you might just pull it off. it's about atmosphere. you're not just setting up for the grand finale, you're setting up a hundred tiny peaks along the way, meeting each as you go. it's like you're walking toward the harvest while hauling the plow behind you. (that made no sense. kinda like sex.*) (*= i'm ace). and then eventually, bam, cymbals and headbanging and shit. if you've done your due diligence in the gradual buildup, that release feels earned

switching perspective

i may be stupid and/or just kinda tired but i dont understand this question rn lmfao. ig i just treat it like i would going from any one scene to another

in conclusion

thank u for the questions. apologies for making it weird. in my defense, it is very difficult to explain pacing, and also its 5am now

[9w1ft]

wow your gaylor anon does sound well-meaning, but very lost on this blog from their usual side of the internet I’d guess!

I’m particularly bamboozled by those three songs being used as kaylor breakup evidence. well, less so exile, I can see how they got there even if I have a different interpretation of it (mourning the called-off coming out, and having to go deeper into the love blackout, ruminating on the fans view of her closet). but mtr!? clearly about scott b! the stolen lullabies, the jewels she gave him as his main cash cow? the pain of that betrayal by a father figure!! also the funeral procession choreo - ties nicely into your point about taylor wearing black for the stolen masters. there’s also a long history of writing romantic-coded ‘break up songs’ for your label, think dolly parton etc. and mad woman?! the obvious scooter and yael diss track where taylor outs his cheating (which potentially contributed to their divorce not long after). does anon completely miss the feminist angle of ‘this man gaslights me by calling me mad and overreactive, so I’ll show him a real mad woman’ ???? (+ karlie as the taylor-faced neighbour who secretly mouths ‘fuck you’ at him)

I know we’re all known for reaching in the gaylor-sphere, but by occam’s razor, I feel like you have to do some real twisting to believe those ones aren’t about those men.

(I actually wrote out my personal interpretation of each song in more depth but it’s wayy too long, and probably just a repeat of opinions anon could find on this blog and others in this ecosystem. anon has given me far too many thoughts to write on my lunch break rn lol)

yeah i didn’t address the song choices but mtr is a wild one for sure. and mad woman i’ve talked about a lot but really i think that song is actually proof in favor of the idea that they didn’t break up in 2019. plus the thing about the i can and i will necklace.

exile too, especially when you couple it with the other bon iver duet (evermore) and think about the context of the election in 2016 (upon which karlie got exiled in a way) and again in 2020 (taylor connected evermore to the feeling of knowing biden would win over trump, and knowing the pain wouldn’t be for evermore), and idk it just makes so much sense in the context of how their relationship would have had to adapt and change over the years, without having to be about breaking up.

i’m not saying anon thinks any one certain way but i do think that gaylors in general have, of their own volition and they’re happy to tell you, positioned gaylorism as something focused on the exploration of the gayness of taylor’s lyrics and of it being ‘museless’ and i would suggest that while there is value to this sort of think in a vacuum, by refuting other analysis unfortunately this ‘lens’ often makes for a contextless interpretation of so many of taylor’s songs. like if you think about the political angle and the times taylor was in or karlie was in throughout this specific span of time, a lot of these sad song just make so much sense! maathp makes sense! maroon makes sense! exile makes sense, hoax makes sense, mad woman makes sense, vigilante shit makes sense, any number of songs make a whole lot of sense. i don’t think that this is something offensive to taylor like… in essence kaylor is an attempt to understand the impetus behind the artist, her motivations, and what inspired her to create so much of this art. idk, im babbling a bit again it’s just. ahh… there’s just so much meaning that gets lost in the gaylor process i feel.

[love-toxin]

miss ellie i'm realizing now that i never told you now revolutionary your ocs are. like. i've been on this website for literal years and the day i found your blog was with an oc post where you introduced such a dynamic lineup with so much variety, it was the first i had ever seen. maybe i wasn't looking hard enough but you had poc yanderes AND trans yanderes it was the first time i had ever seen any (i know it sounds crazy to say but i'm being so fr rn.) even when i look through your old posts and reread them i just get blown away by how each one is different and has their own personality even though you have so many?? anyway it's late and i just wanted to say that ty <3

will you marry me?? 🥺

LOL to be for real though that makes me sooooo happy you don't even understand, I'm really glad i get to be that way for you and all you lovely people 💕💕 it's a blessing to be able to write & post my work and I'm genuinely happy to see people connecting with it.

tbh, the representation i try to portray accurately is a really long-standing relationship i have with writing & authorship in general. this might not be a terribly interesting bit of lore but back when i was in my teens and consuming a lot of fanfic online in the early forms of it (ff.net my love </3) that was something that hit me a lot in reading self-insert fic, because I'd always been a huge reader and was just then tapping into self-inserts and community fiction posting rather than just books. and i remember distinctly (i think partly bc I've always grown up in multicultural neighborhoods/had mixed family growing up) reading fanfics and having the thought of "huh, i can relate to this description or this experience, but that makes me wonder whether other people can."

funny enough, it was partly when i would read descriptions of the author giving a self-insert long hair or referencing their hair in some way, and I'd start wondering how girls who wore a hijab would read that same piece, cause i went to school with a bunch of girls who wore it or a full niqab. and so i started wondering more like "if i was black, would i relate to this experience in this fic? if i was trans or gender non-conforming, are there characters i can relate to? if i were a mix of these things, could i find somewhere i belong in this setting?" and since then it kind of became a focus in the way i wrote stuff going forward.

i think using inclusive language in fic writing is really integral to a greater horizon of people enjoying it, and thinking on my ocs i always wanted to have characters that people could really relate to. I'd stop a lot in my process of creating my initial sets of characters and try to keep in mind those thoughts that i had in reading fics; "if i were this or that, could someone in that position relate to the stories I'm writing? and if not, what can i change to make that happen?" because if people are going to enjoy my characters or find comfort in them i want everyone possible to have the ability to. it's kind of intimidating at times to write for experiences i haven't had personally but it led me (and still leads me) to do a ton of research, and in doing so I've been able to learn lots of really fascinating things in the process. in doing so, it made it really easy for my characters to develop their personalities through my writing because i think they inherently have identities that are complex, which is always the goal you want for any character in the first place.

sorry that this kinda went off on a ramble LOL, but after so many years of writing and with my degree under my belt i still really think about it a lot. I'm really glad what i wanted to do has come across and i hope you continue to enjoy my ocs!! ❤️❤️

[elslittlestories]

The Bad Autistic Batch

I've had this in the back of my head for a while and finaly took the time to write it down. It's a mix of observtions and headcanons I guess? On how I feel like the 4 original members of the Bad Batch are all autistic af!

Tech

The obvious one. He said it himself, his brain doesn’t process thoughts and moments the way most people do.

He has a hard time identifying his feelings and therefore tends to push them away and rely on logic and rational thoughts, which always come easy and loud in his mind.

Very gifted, he’s too smart to care about social rules and never bothered to learn cues and small talk. He was created to solve problems, people shouldn’t expect anything else from him. He comes off as cold and obnoxious to most people, always speaks bluntly without thinking of the effect of his words on the person opposite him. Simply because it doesn’t occur naturally to him that some truth might need sugarcoating.

He’s a self-taught everything, with infinite curiosity and thirst for knowledge. He gets bored fast though and will skip from one subject to another as soon as he feels like he’s mastered it. He’ll get REALLY excited if you ask him questions about anything.

He doesn’t care about his looks, as long as it’s practical, he’s good with any outfits. Although, he’ll wear comfy clothes whenever he can. His hair is kept just long enough so that he can slick them back with gel and get them stuck with his goggles’ headband.

To self-sooth, he relies on his sound databank—he can listen to a record on a loop for hours—and mental games such as counting backward from 1 million with only prime numbers. Tapping on his datapad is probably also a sort of stimming.

Outside of his brothers, he has a hard time maintaining a relationship, may they be platonic or not. To start, he doesn’t really understand the concept of different types of relationships. He’s oblivious to most hints of interest and needs someone—Wrecker—to point it out. He’ll panic, be really awkward about it, overshare to hide his fluster…until he figures out what makes you tick and weaponizes it!

Crosshair

In case there were any doubt, he’s a neat freak. He NEEDS his stuff to be in the right place, as much as he needs routine and discipline to control his stress level. Even though his military training has taught him how to deal with the unexpected, he has a hard time dealing with change.

If given the choice, he’d only wear his blacks. The tightness of the fabric is comforting and he doesn’t have to think about assembling an outfit or whatever. He cuts his hair every week, the same exact way, from left to right, then the backside of his head.

He won’t eat new food unless his hunger is life threatening, not because of sensory issues but because his transit is a bigger drama queen than he is!

He’s the most emotionally immature of the squad and used to have the wildest mood swings. He became good at keeping a stern straight face once he realized people would use it as a way to arm him. He’s also the most stubborn: good luck trying to change his mind on anything.

On a general basis, he hates people. Especially the one that wants to touch him! The only person allowed to hug him is Wrecker, because there’s no stopping him anyway. He may go mute when overwhelmed, hence the number of fights he got himself into rather than have a talk. With time and around the right people, he might get better at dealing with his feelings, but for now it’s easier to just avoid people, since they’re the one causing said feelings.

Maintaining any sort of relationship is close to impossible outside of his brothers. It takes a very special person—like Echo—to get his affection and respect. Romantic feeling are out of his bucket list, he finds the concept of flirting ridiculous anyway. If you want to be with him, just say it! He’ll probably reject you, the man has some heavy attachment/abandonment issues to sort out first. Trust Omega to help with that, so maybe one day…

Wrecker

THE emotionally mature one of the squad! Feelings are always intense for him and he wears them on his face. He’ll cry for anything, but since he can break your spine with his bare hands, people usually don’t make fun of him out loud.

He has huge difficulties in learning practical stuff—he was the last to speak clearly and read—and won’t do anything good with verbal instructions if they go longer than 5 to 10 words. He’s good with his hands, though, and once Tech got him into the marvelous world of explosives, he became unstoppable. Even Tech will admit Wrecker is the expert in the matter.

Another thing he was quick to learn, thanks to his emotional awareness and Hunter’s help, was how to read people. If only to stop being played! It might also be the secret to their squad sticking together despite their differences and hot temper.

He’s very open about needing "autistic joy", such as eating his favorite snack, listening to a song on a loop and watching things blow up. It tends to make him look childish. His brothers are very protective over this and make sure nothing prevents Wrecker to enjoying his sweet nothings.

He loves to isolates for an hour or two, to watch his favorite holovids, but is otherwise very touchy feely. Hugs sooth him a lot when he’s stressed out. If he can’t get one, he’ll rely on singing his favorite tune or repeating a word in his head. He used to do it out loud when he was a kid but it drove his brothers mad so he internalized it.

He can handle a flirt, although he has a hard time catching a hint. It’s easier to notice someone’s interest on others than himself, probably because of his lack of self-esteem. He’d most likely be a very clingy partner.

Hunter

AKA the king of masking. He may look as close to normal as a defective clone can be, in control of himself, but take a step into his mind and you’ll be surprised.

First of all, he has HUGE sensory issues, no doubt worsened by his genetic enhancement. He has learned to tough it out and ignore the strong reaction some textures or smell or sounds causes him to experience. But they tend to turn into stress. He’s constantly devoured by anxiety and fear—of anything from touching that one thing that will overstimulate him so much he won’t be able to function, to making a bad call that cause one of his brother’s death—and there’s no amount of spinning his knife that can sooth it.

He relies on rules and discipline to get a sense of control, even though one might argue his sense of both those concepts is not exactly by the book. It tends to help with tuning down his emotions as well. Just like every sensory input is loud to him, his feeling can be deafening and mastering them was mandatory to become the squad leader.

It was with that in mind that he became an expert in social behaviors. Mostly unconsciously, he studied everyone around him to learn how to hold himself and how to read the room. Despite him being naturally introverted, you’ll often find him chatting with the various captains his squad was assigned to work with. Told you, he’s a king of masking.

On the rare occasions he failed to contain his emotions—bursts of anger on the battlefield aside—it came out loud and violent. Took Wrecker to squeeze him in his arms for Hunter to calm down.

One thing he couldn’t learn this way is flirting. He can’t do it for his life, despite being the receiver of numerous attempts from various species. Maybe it’s because of his sensory issues, but the idea of sex is of no appeal to him and he has never felt something strong enough to be called romantic love. That stuff is just not for him, he feels contempt with his brothers and Omega.

Oh, and the bandana is just an excuse for no easy hair routine. Give him one reason to get out of his armor and blacks, and he’ll slip into floppy clothes in a heartbeat.

Last but not least, all four of them have a STRONG sens of justice—although sometime missplaced—and prefers staying home rather than being anywhere else, wherever home may be.

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

MALT today I was maladaptively daydreaming (as one does) about kghr fantasy AUs and I was thinking... an assassin AU would be neat. But why would one of them be an assassin and how would they actually meet.

This thought process leads to -> what if hirano became Kagi's body guard but all along he's supposed to assassinate him in the end -> wait a minute.. betrayal... I've seen the name of a similar concept somewhere... -> Knight's betrayal??? -> WAIT A MINUTE WASN'T THERE A MALT AU CALLED KNIGHT'S BETRAYAL AU

WHAT IS THE KNIGHT'S BETRAYAL AU, MALT, I NEED TO KNOW MORE NOW THAT I REMEMBERED I'VE SEEN YOU TAG IT BEFORE

okay first of all, that sounds like such a fun au and the timeline between all of your thoughts is hilarious lol

second of all, don't think I've ever actually fully explained what's up with knights betrayal on here oops. that's on me haha I'm used to just letting people guess what my brainwaves mean. I'll try my best to explain!! continuing under the cut :)

okay so the basic break down of knight's betrayal is that kagiura, a child of a famous and well-respected family of knights, spends his days guarding the third prince of his empire (niibashi) after war has broken out on the eastern half of the continent. he was sent there by his family a year prior to keep him away from the harsh realities of battle and has stayed there until now.

hirano, on the other hand, is a different story. having grown up working for a lesser known noble's household and being drafted at an early age, hirano is a talented swordsman forced to retreat from the front lines after being mortally wounded and losing his left eye. he is given a choice by his captain afterwards: either retire early and be taken back to his old household, or work as an inside man to send information back and forth from the battlefield to the palace. stubborn and not willing to return to his old life, he chooses the latter.

this all leads up to their first ever meeting, when hirano walks into the palace where niibashi lives and delivers a message to his staff while kagiura is standing guard by the prince's side. there isn't much to say about this meeting, since afterwards kagi leaves with niibashi while hirano is taken to the medical wing to receive proper treatment for his eye and other wounds he gained while traveling. then they dont see each other for at least another month and a half ^.^

my main thing with KB is that i want it to be short but feel large, so the story takes place over a large span of time and is only about 20-30ish chapters give-or-take? lots of it is still drafts and things probably will change so i wouldn't get attached to that figure but yeah. it is just generally an excuse to write kagihira as two people who seem to be similar but are from such wildly different backgrounds and hold such different views of the world that it leads to them misunderstanding a lot about their relationships and conversations haha. also gay ass knights.

then, of course, there is the betrayal that comes along with knight's betrayal. Obviously. i will say that the politics are a huge part of the story, but kagiura "unreliable narrator who has been sheltered by his family and never been made to see real battle" akira isn't really focused on all of that. he is aiming for his strangers to lovers mysterious bad-boy with golden heart romance and is not about to let things like "lineage" and "suspicious behaviors" get in the way of that. unfortunately for him, hirano has not gotten the memo and will use every opportunity to sniff out strange faces and rumors that hold a little too much weight.

there's plenty of other things too, like sasamiya bakery romance and shirahama starting a great revolt. there's a side story i wrote ages ago that i have to resist spoiling centered around hanzawa the bookkeeper and tashiro the informant. kuresawa and his girlfriend are acting out romeo and juliet across the continent. poor bodyguard ogasawara is trying and failing to keep archivist eimi from lighting things on fire in the name of her sacred tomes. makimura gets arrested for slandering the emperor. everyone is having a bit of fun :>

the exciting thing about KB's story that has me frothing at the mouth though is that it is in the very end a Tragedy. not in a "everyone is going to die" way necessarily, but everything happens for a reason. everything has consequences. everything.

i'm so excited just getting to talk about it tbh! its been such a silly little thing in my mind for the longest time so its awesome to get to share a bit of it :)))

[suckishima]

okay so i know i posted a few weeks ago that i did get to see the haikyuu movie when i was in japan last month and ive been so busy i didnt fully have time to process lol so ive been writing down thoughts as i remember them so, spoilers under the cut (no particular order)

final rally pov shot was craaaaazyyy (sidenote i saw challengers today lmao and they did a similar pov shot thing a couple times and it reminded me how sick it was to see such a complicated thing be animated)

in addition to that tho, while i liked the drop of the music then to just have it be kenmas breathing, i felt lie his breathing seemed a little repetitive?? like it was possibly just the same couple voice recordings repeated???

and also tbh.. i kinda didnt love how after the super amazing pov animation the way they chose to animate the full court flashback to tokyo training camp was just like a flat pan around the room. it just didnt feel all that dynamic after seeing something so cool, and maybe it was just my screening but the image was kinda blurry and not that crisp at that part

in general tho i thought the sound design was really cool, so much of it just straight up felt like a live match happening, and the part when kenma tells hinata to stay interesting and the sound cuts out?? ooo v effective i thought

and then the birdcaaaage aaaah i loved the way the wings like got all stifled in the cage when kenma first trapped him and then ofc the bursting out of it oooo im excited to see it again in imax

there were a tonnnn of small moments that i assumed wouldnt make the cut that actually did too, yaku sitting on lev's back when he's doing pushups, the bokuto/kuroo hair swap flashback lmaooo, goshiki having to share his ipad with tendou (i cant remember for sure now if he actually says that or not but theyre definitely in the movie), bokuto and akaashi coming over and talking to yachi and ah i think theres more. a lot of them were shortened down a bit, but i appreciated them getting attention nonetheless. sadly no kuroo/lev poop conversation though lmaoo

i thought the kuroo/kenma flashbacks were pretty good as well, i think they possibly added a few lines?? it seemed like there were more frames of stuff of kuroo being inspired by the "lowering the net" concept which was really cool bc thats really integral to his character to me. and then theres this line where kenma is like "hinata has kageyama and i have kuroo" and uhhhh that is news to me!! im like 90% thats new content lmao, and oooo it was good, the shots they chose with it too gooood

oh for some reason they changed how kenma flops??? he falls with his butt up in the air instead of just flat??? like why lmao, obviously that was like an Actual Choice they made bc they had to draw it and obviously had the manga as reference and it makes no difference other than to confuse me lolll

im interested to see it again distributed by crunchyroll too bc im sure some of the subs i saw werent right, a few lines just didnt make sense and there were a few instances of like "lead blocking"

and okay. i gotta talk about the chapter 298 stuff

its there its in the movie!! but,, it's watered down lmao

and i think i was also too in my head and overanalyzing it which im disappointed in myself for so im hoping on rewatch ill have a better time

the "hes always been one step ahead of me after all" was like as perfect as it could get tbh, it looks just like the manga and tsukki like says it just right and yamaguchi comes onto the court behind him totally focused and aaah really loved it. then the service ace and tsukkis little laugh it really good

but then i'm torn on the actual serve and block, there's no inner thoughts on yamaguchis "oh no the ball isnt drifting enough" and then tsukkis silent reply "no that was plenty" before stuffing it, so we arent hearing their like mind reading/intuition connection there which was a bummer. and thennnn im not positive on this bit but i dont think anyone repeats anything about the serve and block being the perfect play?? (its yamaguchi echoing ukai in the manga) and then no little flashbacks to how theyve been training

HOWEVER the big main flashbacks of seeing how yamaguchi walks from behind tsukki to in front of him are there!!! and the way theyre presented is interesting? i was like taken aback by the decision to have the clips being showed within their silhouettes as they move toward each other (i couldnt even tell thats what it was at first tbh..) that i missed whether or not all the panels were in it..... (majorly disappointed in myself for that one). idk visually i found it a little confusing i guess and so i couldnt fully appreciate and im hoping itll look cool on rewatch when i understand whats happening

and then the high five ahhh it was pretty good, idk if anything will ever live up to that manga panel for me, the joy and success and sense of achievement in that image means so much to me lol, but its animated fairly well. do wish they didnt cover tsukkis smile tho

then kuroo asks how tsukki feels about volleyball and he says its fun and he smiles and its.. fine. like ugh its just one of those things were this entiiiire section just slightly suffered from being a two minute segment of a movie instead of a whole episode (or even just half an episode tbh), like something about his smile and saying it was fun just fell a little flat for me and i was unfortunately a little sad about it, i was hoping for a little more buildup and like emphasis. this is a huuuuge culminating moment for him and it didnt quite feel like it to me bc the movie had to have other priorities where a season wouldnt have

later one when tsukki and kuroo are like battling at the net exhausted tho and tsukki smiles again that was pretty good, the animated is really top notch when theyre all panting n stuff, and the voice acting there was great, really liked it

[mariam246810]

How do you write dialogue for characters like Genshin and Klint that don't really have much dialogue to work with in game? You always seem to capture them so well. Is it just based off what little we have in canon plus headcanons of their personalities?

I ask because sometimes I doubt whether my Genshin in my stories "sounds like him" even though there's not much to work with anyway 😅

And don't even get me started on writing Klint,lol

Thank you im glad you think I capture them well💕

I was doubtful about my characterization at first of the two especially that as you said we don't have much to go with with these two.

But when I voiced my concerns to someone they told me an answer that stuck with me. There is no right or wrong characterization when it comes to characters that we barely know anything about . They're like an empty canvas (you can treat them like an OC) so really do what you see fit with them lol.

Im an artist, not a writer. Writing and giving characters personalities are not things im really good at- in both English and my mother language- but I love to make these little scenarios and dialogs in my comics and sketches for fun. I don't take them so seriously.

As for my process of writing dialogs and making their personality, it wasn't a linear process as I keep changing things and going back and forth between some steps and HC but roughly it can be summarised in the following:

1-taking the little snippets we know about the characters in canon: either from the obvious facts that are given to us like how Genshin's weakness was Kazuma, or from not very obvious facts like how genshin used a western sword to duel Klimt. This means that he was taught how to fight with the Western sword possibly during his stay in Britain (now who taught him is unknown but since I can think of no one besides the van Zieks as people who have a sword attached to their hip in the game I'm gonna assume it was Klimt)

2-looking at the official character art: usually ace attorney characters show so much personality through their character design and official art in general. You can know so much from their expressions and stance

3- basing some characteristics or HC on real life: either based on family members, and friends or even me sometimes if said person has some resemblance to that character

4-make up scenarios: so I don't know how writers usually come up with the bases for their stories but the way I usually do it is by making up scenarios in my head when im doing something that doesn't require my full attention like doing chores or working out. Literally, the majority of my comics are me daydreaming lol.

Of course, after I come up with a concept I write it down and start brainstorming for a dialog that fits the personalities I gave them from the previous steps and that's it!

Naturally, characters like genshin and Klimt are gonna differ in terms of personality from one person to another since very little is known about them so don't worry about the differences in characterization in the fandom too much. Differences are normal and what makes fandoms fun tbh, to see everyone's perspectives of the same character.

Thank you for asking me!💕

[bettsfic]

Okay, so... I finished the first draft of my first novel recently (80k words! Woot woot!) and I'm super proud of myself. But editing it has been HARD.

For one, I felt it was easier to stay consistent with drafting it. I knew I had to write 1k words a day, so I did. But now it's like, what goal is the equivalent of that? Because those two processes are completely different. It's tough finding that balance for me.

Another thing is, like, I think it's a good book, I don't think it's a GREAT book. And the amount of what I'd need to transform completely to make it GREAT is daunting. When I was drafting I just ran with the wind, but now I actually KNOW how much I have to do to polish this into what I want. And it's a lot! I've never stared down this much Future Work before, and the path ahead seems foggy. I can't see the finished product and I'm worried it'll never turn out the way I want it to, whereas drafting is like, get it done and you're good. Sorry if these types of asks seem redundant, but, YEESH. I'm hoping I can hop back on the editing horse soon.

congrats on finishing a novel!!

i can definitely commiserate. that daunting "oh god there's so much work to do" is one of the worst feelings, especially when you know part of that work is major rewriting/restructuring. and in some cases, writing the whole book over again.

the good news is, i do think the revision process can be as procedural as your 1k a day. what i do is draft a really thorough revision plan. then instead of 1k a day, you tackle 1 chapter a day on your plan. sometimes to spice things up i use a random number generator and work on the chapter of whatever result i get.

i'm still writing a newsletter about how i make my revision plans, but essentially it's really just a step by step guide of what you want to change. i color code mine. here's the key i use:

and so one chapter of the revision plan looks like

i know this paragraph sounds insane but i swear it makes sense in context. unfortunately in the draft after this draft, a lot of this chapter has gotten cut.

anyway, the revision plan is a pain in the ass to make, but to me it's impossible to think big picture and small picture at the same time, as in, i can't just go in and start making changes without knowing exactly what i'm going to do, which is the exact opposite of exploratory drafting. if your revision plan is thorough enough, the process can become a lot less daunting i think.

congrats again, and i'd love to know how revisions go!

[the-letterbox-archives]

Hi! Asking because of your qna post, this is more about your creative process than a specific WIP, I hope that's okay <3

I've noticed you have a real variety when it comes to how your stories are narrated (eg a radio show, the narration in 'tales'), is this something you're doing on purpose or does it just kind of come naturally to you? Is there any kind of method you use to get into the different perspectives? How do you decide on how the story is going to be told?

(sorry for the long ask ha, I just think your work is really really cool and I'm interested to know the thought behind it :) )

thank you for the ask!! happy to answer anything abt my process and style, thanks for asking about it :)

archival file 26000-123456 (ask)

it's hard to explain exactly how i come to narrate everything, but i'll try and line it out as best i can. it all stems from a need to tell stories in a way unique to each other but still in my style, if that makes sense.

my regular writing style is third-person (if i had to narrow that more probably 3rd person limited) and past tense. but i've realised that even between stories in that style there is disparity. i think i do this unconsciously to create a narration that hopefully enhances the story. i've learnt i don't write rockdove the same way i write tfadh. tfadh focuses on more philosophical concepts at the surface, so narration deviates from describing the situation to explain perspectives relevant to the situation; this is because the heart itself is narrating and has thoughts on everything. whereas rockdove would never do that in the same way, when it deviates from describing a scene i focus in on emotions happening in that moment (rockdove also has a heavier emphasis on dialogue, there isn't much talking in tfadh). same thing with dulcinea is dead, but that one's style is still developing, since it isn't an older story revived. i suspect the narration will be slightly different even between chapters since the pov switches between bereaved mother sasha and prophecy-driven daughter dulcinea, but i like how it's going right now, even if i can't describe it well atm.

to focus back in to the question for a bit, the answer is that i do that without thinking about it, the style just happens to change depending on the story. but it's a more interesting when it comes to my other stories. insincere., school rules, and on kingston alley required some thought to construct the narrative style, since they're so different from my usual writing.

starting with insincere., since it's the most similar to my regular formula, i can tell you the style of it comes from a stream-of-consciousness approach to writing (i explained in another ask how insincere. came to be and how i use it to destress, so not much thought goes into intricate narration, it's more so my thoughts slightly translated). it's designed to be both readable and not, if that makes sense. it's entirely simple to read but sometimes the narration will dip out as it takes a further look into ven's thoughts and kind of 'glitches out' (like the 'be quiet be quiet be quiet' repetition in lesson 2 and basically every time the paragraph breaks to allow for only one word like 'just. / get. / up.'). so this style is both a conscious and unconscious choice overall.

school rules was easy to swap over into a completely different style, while i'm not very partial to first-person narration, it was easier to write when i thought of it like someone talking and not exactly narrating something as if they were in a book. that allowed sunny's voice to shine through and overall make the writing more personal. that all made the mental block between first-person (and i guess present tense too) more manageable, and easier to translate into my general style.

finally, on kingston alley was a bit hard to find my feet with, but as i got a better feel for the characters it became much easier to rely on dialogue that sounded more natural (hopefully), leading the episodes to be written faster. i've never really written scripts before, but i think it's the understanding of the characters that leads me through scenes (that's also probably why episodes have such random page counts - i think episode 1 or 2 was 2 pages and episode 3 was 8 pages, talk about continuity).

the way i decide on the story is different for each - if i have a vision going in that twists my regular formula, i'll know what i'm doing beforehand, even if the narration changes throughout then has to be revised. as for my works that stick closer to my comfort zone, there's really no way i can predict how the narration comes out.

unfortunately in terms of techniques, i don't have anything. i don't really use techniques to write at all, i just need a bit of 'exercise' to get into the headspace of a certain wip then the narration flows. if it doesn't, i just take a break and come back later.

i realise i didn't touch on the question until the very end, my bad ;-; i rambled because most of my narration comes from nowhere, then develops after in revisions or afterthought. i'm so glad you noticed though!! after i decide on a style, it becomes really important to the story and to me, and it's just so touching that you took the time to recognise unique stylistic choices between my writing, it really means a lot :)

[sentientgopro]

Coming up on 3 months since cracking. It's still, like, a week away, but honestly, close enough and I wanna write this post now. Not much is gonna change in that time anyway.

The main thing I wanna note is like, the SIGNIFICANT mental changes. There is a name. I have never uttered that name out loud. Noone knows the name IRL. Noone has used that name for me online. Nothing.

...But If I, just quickly, imagine someone calling my name, or getting my attention, that's the name they're saying. If I quickly imagine someone referring to me in third person, I'm she.

And I think of these same things with my current name and it just doesn't quite feel right, or the same anymore.

People always talk about the infamous "I'm a girl" dreams. and I've started getting, like, 3 a week? Or atleast 3 where I'm, to some extent, trans. Like, even if I wasn't quite a girl yet, I had a dream that included picking up an estrogen prescription.

And all this, after 3 months, while deep closeted and unable to do anything about transitioning.

And, for my own sanity, I've had to find things to appreciate during this time. I can't spend the next year and a half avoiding acknowledging myself and what I look like. So I've atleast started to appreciate the little things. If I look closely at my eyes and ignore the rest of my face, I feel happy. idk, there's just something about my eyes in isolation that feel different to the rest of my face somehow, idk what it is but they feel more feminine, if that makes any sense.

And then there's my hair. Look, I have really short hair. Pretty average hair length for a guy. But my parents have been incredibly militant with keeping my hair very short for, well, as long as I can remember, until recently when my Dad abruptly asked if I wanted to grow it out (unbelievably convenient, he's transphobic and hss no idea about me. We take those I guess?)

But now, even the slightest bit longer hair feels great to me. Those little bits that grow down infront of your ears? Love it. Never had that be that long before. My hair ain't much, but its alot to me. And its only gonna get longer and longer, better and better.

And, look, this one sounds weird, but thighs. The way the fat squishes and flattens out when I sit down. I am a very skinny person, to the extent that my thighs are probably the fattest part of me relative to the body part. They aren't that thick, but relative to the rest of my body, it's enough to make me really happy. One time I was reading something about a lil deep-closet trick of wearing a long shirt and a shorter/ rolled up hoodie, and I kinda like it. Doing that, while sat down causing my thighs to squish slightly just looks so right.

(I was strongly debating whether to actually include this section. I doubt this would ever be the case, but just in case, don't be weird about it?)

I'm not gonna keep commenting on dysphoria increasing. I've kinda figured that's just par for the course. My general mood has decreased, I just don't feel good, but I'm not actually in that bad of a place mentally. I'm feeling optimistic, a solution to my problems is out there and I am gonna make it. It's already been a quarter of a year since cracking, that's no small amount of time relative to how long I have to wait. No matter how much I feel like shit about not being able to transition yet, it's better than when I didn't know what the problem was and thought I would just find myself ending it at some point. Now I know that isn't happening.

With each day, each little daydream, every time I imagine a scenario where I'm me, I get closer to actually being me. Physical is just a wait, but mental is a gradual process that is already well underway.

[woodswolf]

🌿🏜️🔪🪲?

writer's truth or dare ask game

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

honestly? just don't be afraid to step away. sometimes you're not in the right headspace for a project and that's okay. work with your brain, not against it - whether that's on a different WIP or just taking a break for a while. sometimes this means the WIP sits for a little while. sometimes this means you abandon it. roll with the punches, don't dodge into them.

like for example, i've been having One Of The Weeks Of My Life at my job recently and just feeling really burned out and depressed on the Major Fucking Crunch Time this project is getting into. i didn't feel like working on chapter 5 when i was feeling that terrible, but i was able to channel some of that energy into a side story. i've barely started it as of yet, but it's got a lot of potential, has required a lot of research, and just. it's helped burn off a lot of the negative emotion (because it involves a very similar kind of negative emotion and focuses on a kind of burnout recovery. lol)

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

long analysis comments are like the #1 kind of comment to get in my good books. i get an excuse to talk about Fun Details whether intentional or not and just generally feed information to someone who isn't fully aware of all of the complexities of a project yet (usually my partner lol)

however.

i personally consider that the highest honor i could ever receive would be recursive fanfiction. fanart as well, yes, but fanfiction in particular. it's more or less a reflection of my own process in a way; i write a lot of recursive fanfiction relative to my output, but i only write recursive fanfiction about fanfiction that really, really resonated with me, or that often were incredibly formative to me in their own specific ways. it's not enough for it to be a good story - it has to change something about me, alter my perspective or open my eyes to an entirely new world. often these end up feeling like (or just being) treatises on a particular subject; there are fics on hope, on grief, on forgetting, on becoming monsters. and it's just.... it's powerful.

i could link all of these if anyone is curious.

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

honestly all of the research i've done for DLD and other fics in the DLDCM (Dogs Leading Dogs Cinematic Multiverse) qualifies as really weird. outside of the semi-standard fanfiction-writer fare (e.g. symptoms of various injuries, or how to identify certain types of injuries like with that shoulder test), there are two broad categories of "what the fuck" research that i've gone into very extensively.

the first category, which i keep coming back to over and over, is all of the speculative biology shit. basically NONE of it is going to come up until more than halfway through catch/cradle at minimum, but at this point ive probably put close to ten hours of research into figuring out what the fuck is wrong with these things. (and that's just the research, not the processing that shit afterward.) i know what this guy breathes. i don't know exactly how his metabolism works, but i do have a general outline that seems approximately sound, and have a general principle for how it interacts with other metabolisms. i don't just know HIS metabolism by the way, i know like three other components' metabolic interactions and life cycles and to some extent their histories. and then we get into all of the other lore shit that is Very Present and Very Real and Very Probably Isn't Going To Be Written Down In Any Fics and also isn't strictly research based as much as vibes based but it doesn't have to be research based because my source is i made it the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but tl;dr there's a CRAZY amount of various kinds of biology lore and 90% of it is never going to see the light of day most likely

the second category which has generally come about more recently is primitive / historical technology. generally just a lot of how you would do certain things - such as making paper, or refining clay, or working metal or glass - if you were starting from (almost) nothing.

additional shoutout to when i did some brief research on akkadian for one of my recurive fic projects, that was fun but really overwhelming and i ended up not finishing it myself lol

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

from chapter 5:

The ship doesn’t need any additional explanation. “I’ll set the course,” it says. Brief and to the point. He can’t help but appreciate that right now. The controls shift ever-so-slightly under his hands as they start following a slightly different autopilot route. It’ll set them up for the approach path they discovered on the second day — one that doesn’t cut through as many of the giant trees.

thanks for the ask!! :D