#and horrible people in general

[ficks-of-fancy2]

Harry Potter and The Salemite

It's under the cut

-Hudie >i<

Chapter One: The Boy With A Grin

"I am pleased to introduce, Mr. Kafka Cygnus as the newest addition to the Hogwarts family." Harry just stared at the fellow first year, who just stared at all of the house tables with a concerning grin. The boy who not moments earlier gave the sorting hat an aperent aneurysm, before it swore and placed him in Ravenclaw. Flitwick, the charms professor and head of house for Ravenclaw, looked terrified. "Do be kind to our transfer from The Salem Academy of magicks." Dumbledore sounded almost annoyed when he spoke the school's name. Kafka locked eyes with Harry. His grin widened and Harry paled, the headmaster attempted to usher him to his house table. The 'Salemite' as several students even Ron had called him with something akin to fear in equal measure to the awe inspired by the his name, ducked and started skipping in the direction of the Gryffindor table much to the dismay of every student adjacent to his path. And when he made it to his destination he just stood there, waiting.

"Aren't you going to scootch over a bit?" Now that Harry had a better look he could say that the sly if not sweet voice did sort of match the babyish face before him. Ron moved as far as the others would allow him, Hermione looked tempted to slap him for it. Kafka took Ron's movement as permission to sit and happily did so. "Nice to meet you! Harry Potter right?" He spoke with a chipper tone, playing with his shaggy chestnut hair, hazel eyes alight with some fox-like joy. He held out his hand excitedly, "Kafka, grandson of Headmistress Herta Cygnus and witch of the Salemite coven."

Harry took his hand and returned his sentiments with a minor change. "Harry Potter. Son of James and Lily, wizard of Hogwarts... I guess." Kalfa just shook his head.

"Wise man or no, you are still covenless. But don't worry, you will find family." He spoke in what Harry assumed to be a riddle. "But it's still nice to meet you." Kafka wasn't wearing any robes choosing instead some distressed sky blue trousers, boots with Doc something or other on the tags, and a big lavender and black hoodie. Ron looked at him like he had gone mad and Hermione seemed similarly clueless, but that was par for the course, given their shared magicless upbringing. He genuinely didn't get the issue, sure Kafka seemed a little too friendly if anything. "Well I won't keep ya'. Have a nice dinner." With that Kafka moved over to the Ravenclaw table still given the widest of berths.

After dinner and with stomach full, Harry felt the need for answers. "Hermione, what's a Salemite?" He asked the wise young witch, "For that matter why did he call himself a witch?" Hermione seemed to consider the question for a moment before shrugging.

Ron who had been glaring daggers at the young man all throughout dinner took that as a sign to start howling like a mad man. "They are evil! Bloody psycho, the lot of them, the bastards of wizard kind! Worse than You-Know-Who." Several passing ghosts seemed to nod in agreement along with some elders of House Gryffindor. Hermione looked unimpressed with Ron's seeming theatrics. "It's common knowledge." Ron defended.

Hermione just sighed, "Idiot." Harry was tempted to agree. Sure Voldemort was barely human to him on the best of days. But everyone shared what he had done that made him so terrible, not to mention what he had done to his perpents. Kafka didn't seem nearly as bad as Malfoy and all of Slytherin, let alone Voldemort. "If he was truly THAT evil, why would he be allowed to set foot in Hogwarts?"

"Well I don't trust him and neither should you. Salemites are all loons." Hermione just groaned and broke into a light jog, clearly fed up with Ron's bias. "Some people just don't get it until it's too late," the ginger sighed, "They'd sell their own for a knut." He elbowed Harry like he had just told a funny joke. If Ron did, he didn't get it.

>i< ------------- >i<

The next morning at breakfast, most of Slytherin wasn't in attendance and those that were, house master included, told an interesting story. Malfoy and his goons looked shell-shocked and slightly burned. "What happened to them?" Harry asked the table.

"Infestation of possessed dolls," Percy said slightly less disheveled. The Weasley twins laughed and got a glare from the Prefect. "No idea how they got in. Fred. George."

"We don't know ether."

"I'm sure you don't" Percy drawled, unamused. "In anycase Snape is out for blood today, best be on your guard. Ravenclaw has already lost 100 points." That was unusual. Several elder students noted, Ravenclaw almost never lost points and it was mostly for unusual studies or similar academic no-nos. "Most classes are canceled due to the incident."

"Noooooo!" Hermione lemented.

"It was those brutish Weasleys!" Malfoy moaned to any who would listen, even other Slytherin were none too eager to listen, most entirely to tired. Fred and George looked like they could only wish to be the offending party. Citing some prankster code that even they weren't fool enough to break.

Ron was also strangely absent he noticed. Kafka as well and Neville has some new friends. In the form of two small stuffed animals that stood at attention on the table. A button-eyed black cat and toad, that Professor Quirrell was watching with mild terror, his eyes never leaving it. Harry was tempted to agree given the infestation of mad dolls on the loose. "Neville," the boy perked up at the sound of his name, "where'd the toys come from?"

"No clue. Thought everyone got some, they're rather sweet." Hermione seemed slightly inthralled with the magic stuffies. The black cat started to move. It was walking towards Harry, rather adorably if Hermione's animated cooing was anything to go by. It gave him a small letter written on note paper not parchment as was standard. It read as such:

For Harry,

Going to be in detention all morning. My dolls tossed that rude redhead out a window, among other things. I'll be popping in for some tea after I escape my unjustified imprisonment. Enjoy the day off.

Yours in crime, Kafka

PS Let go now!

Harry did as the letter suggested and dropped it, just as it caught fire. "What was that about?" Asked one confused Hermione, clearly less interested in the magic behind a self igniting letter. Or she had already figured it out, Hermione was just smart like that, Harry wondered how to break the news that she was his friend to Ron.

"Kafka invited me to tea." He responded dumbly. "And tossed Ron out a window, also something involving fire." Harry pointed in Malfoy's direction. The stuffed cat bowed to him before returning to Nevile. The twin's eyes were alight, a traumatic sight for Percy. The rest of the table seemed in a identical state horror at the idea that a first year managed to cause widespread chaos on his first day. "At the least tea won't be boring." Harry spoke in a half hearted attempt to provide levity. Hermione looked like she had just sucked on a lemon.

>i< ------------- >i<

Somehow Kafka managed to bypass the Fat Lady. "So this his how the hero lives. It's certainly... bright." He still seemed unwilling to dress in the robes required by Hogwarts. But Kafka had seemed to extend that willful disobedience to now dressing in a modest skirt and wool stockings, both in the Ravenclaw colours. He still wore his now signature lavender and black hoodie.

"How did you get in?" Harry asked.

"Why are you wearing that?" Ron asked slightly disgusted. Harry found it more odd if anything. Perhaps he lost a bet with a Slytherin or fellow Ravenclaw, given the colouring.

"Because I can." Kafka answered like he was saying the sky is blue. "After all, I'm a 'bloody psycho'. Aren't I window boy." He said, like the cat who ate the canary. Speaking of cats. A small and rather fluffy black kitten was hissing at Ron.

"What are you doing here," Ron hissed, "Don't you have some muggles to terrify."

"Disrespecting authority and no, not really. But if Professor McGonagall asks, I'm not here." He spoke fiddling with a small ornate black key with shades of purple, gold, and brass. The bow of the key was crafted in the shape of a clematis flower connected to a odd stem that seemed broken in two held by vines of brass in the middle. Each of the six petals was adorned with a alexandrite and carved with hollow metal work. It ended off with an intricate bit to the slightly rounded pin. the bit in the shape of a crescent moon with two additional bits of gold from the key's throating. "Detention got boring."

That answered the McGonagall question. But the question of entry went unanswered, locked behind a wide, knowing smile. He was wandering around the common room. "I want no part of this." Ron announced like it was some incredible notion. Kafka visibly rolled his eyes as Ron left.

"So, about capitalising on your fame for monetary profit." Harry had a feeling he was going to live to regret this. But he couldn't help the smile that formed on his face, an equal match to the one that always found a home to Kafka's face.

[anghraine]

It's always been intriguing to me that, even when Elizabeth hates Darcy and thinks he's genuinely a monstrous, predatory human being, she does not ever perceive him as sexually predatory. In fact, literally no one in the novel suggests or believes he is sexually dangerous at any point. There's not the slightest hint of that as a factor in the rumors surrounding him, even though eighteenth-century fiction writers very often linked masculine villainy to a possibility of sexual predation in the subtext or just text*. Austen herself does this over and over when it comes to the true villains of her novels.

Even as a supposed villain, though, Darcy is broadly understood to be predatory and callous towards men who are weaker than him in status, power, and personality—with no real hint of sexual threat about it at all (certainly none towards women). Darcy's "villainy" is overwhelmingly about abusing his socioeconomic power over other men, like Wickham and Bingley. This can have secondhand effects on women's lives, but as collateral damage. Nobody thinks he's targeting women.

In addition, Elizabeth's interpretations of Darcy in the first half of the book tend to involve associating him with relatively prestigious women by contrast to the men in his life (he's seen as extremely dissimilar from his male friends and, as a villain, from his father). So Elizabeth understands Darcy-as-villain not in terms of the popular, often very sexualized images of masculine villainy at the time, but in terms of rich women she personally despises like Caroline Bingley and Lady Catherine de Bourgh (and even Georgiana Darcy; Elizabeth assumes a lot about Georgiana in service of her hatred of Darcy before ever meeting her).

The only people in Elizabeth's own community who side with Darcy at this time are, interestingly, both women, and likely the highest-status unmarried women in her community: Charlotte Lucas and Jane Bennet. Both have some temperamental affinities with Darcy, and while it's not clear if he recognizes this, he quietly approves of them without even knowing they've been sticking up for him behind the scenes.

This concept of Darcy-as-villain is not just Elizabeth's, either. Darcy is never seen by anyone as a sexual threat no matter how "bad" he's supposed to be. No one is concerned about any danger he might pose to their daughters or sisters. Kitty is afraid of him, but because she's easily intimidated rather than any sense of actual peril. Even another man, Mr Bennet, seems genuinely surprised to discover late in the novel that Darcy experiences attraction to anything other than his own ego.

I was thinking about this because of how often the concept of Darcy as an anti-hero before Elizabeth "fixes him" seems caught up in a hypermasculine, sexually dangerous, bad boy image of him that even people who actively hate him in the novel never subscribe to or remotely imply. Wickham doesn't suggest anything of the kind, Elizabeth doesn't, the various gossips of Meryton don't, Mr Bennet and the Gardiners don't, nobody does. If anything, he's perceived as cold and sexless.

Wickham in particular defines Darcy's villainy in opposition to the patriarchal ideal his father represented. Wickham's version of their history works to link Darcy to Lady Anne, Lady Catherine (primarily), and Georgiana rather than any kind of masculine sexuality. This version of Darcy is a villain who colludes with unsympathetic high-status women to harm men of less power than themselves, but villain!Darcy poses no direct threat to women of any kind.

It's always seemed to me that there's a very strong tendency among fans and academics to frame Darcy as this ultra-gendered figure with some kind of sexual menace going on, textually or subtextually. He's so often understood entirely in terms of masculinity and sexual desire, with his flaws closely tied to both (whether those flaws are his real ones, exaggerated, or entirely manufactured). Yet that doesn't seem to be his vibe to other characters in the story. There's a level at which he does not register to other characters as highly masculine in his affiliations, highly sexual, or in general as at all unsafe** to be around, even when they think he's a monster. And I kind of feel like this makes the revelations of his actual decency all along and his full-on heroism later easier to accept in the end.

------------

*The incompetently awful villain(?) in Sanditon, for instance, imagines himself another Lovelace (a reference to the famous rapist-villain of Samuel Richardson's Clarissa). Evelina's sheltered education and lack of protectors makes her vulnerable to sexual exploitation in Frances Burney's Evelina, though she ultimately manages to avoid it. There's frequently an element of sexual predation in Gothic novels even of very different kinds (e.g. Ann Radcliffe's The Mysteries of Udolpho and Matthew Lewis's The Monk both lean into this, in their wildly dissimilar styles). William Godwin's novel Caleb Williams, a book mostly about the destructive evils of class hierarchies and landowning classes specifically, depicts the mutual obsession of the genteel villain Falkland and working class hero Caleb in notoriously homoerotic terms (Godwin himself added a preface in 1832 saying, "Falkland was my Bluebeard, who had perpetrated atrocious crimes ... Caleb Williams was the wife"). This list could go on for a very long time.

**Darcy is also not usually perceived by other characters as a particularly sexual, highly masculine person in a safe way, either, even once his true character is known. Elizabeth emphasizes the resilience of Darcy's love for her more than the passionate intensity they both evidently feel; in the later book, she does sometimes makes assumptions about his true feelings or intentions based on his gender, but these assumptions are pretty much invariably shown to be wrong. In general the cast is completely oblivious to the attraction he does feel; even Charlotte, who wonders about something in that quarter, ends up doubting her own suspicions and wonders if he's just very absent-minded.

The novel emphasizes that he is physically attractive, but it goes to pains to distinguish this from Wickham's sex appeal or the charisma of a Bingley or Fitzwilliam. Mr Bennet (as mentioned above) seems to have assumed Darcy is functionally asexual, insofar as he has a concept of that. Most of the fandom-beloved moments in which Darcy is framed as highly sexual, or where he himself is sexualized for the audience, are very significantly changed in adaptation or just invented altogether for the adaptations they appear in. Darcy watching Elizabeth after his bath in the 1995 is invented for that version, him snapping at Elizabeth in their debates out of UST is a persistent change from his smiling banter with her in the book, the fencing to purge his feelings is invented, the pond swim/wet shirt is invented. In the 2005 P&P, the instant reaction to Elizabeth is invented, the hand flex of repressed passion is invented, the Netherfield Ball dance as anything but an exercise in mutual frustration is invented, the near-kiss after the proposal in invented, etc. And in those as well, he's never presented as sexually predatory, not even as a "villain."

[eggbagelz]

abt to go seal hunting with peepaw

[stardatez3ro]

i love that star trek has so many autistic characters that theyve got the whole fucking spectrum in there .on a scale from worf, odo, spock, data, julian, deanna and wesley to picard what type of 'tism do YOU have ?

[adhdandcomics]

perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:

does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies

[karvviie]

this was the first piece of content i drew in 2020 after i came out of a year-long intense hatred of rvb

[anachronistic-falsehood]

leans into the mic. "saying all men are trash in response to the various ccs getting outed as abusers is the wrong move and will harm male victims of abuse and sa" and "the reason these male ccs were able to abuse people and cover it up for so long is because of rampant misogyny in the content creating space and it's important to listen to the women coming out with their stories right now" are statements that coexist. btw

[fireladybuckley]

I can’t believe a boyfriend made a silly sex joke to lighten the mood after both partners had a moment of vulnerability. The audacity. The horror. The normalcy! Unbelievable. How dare a conversation about feelings turn to levity. How dare a couple have a light chat about trauma-related things over dinner that doesn’t turn into an incredibly deep heart to heart instead of a joke and moving on. Unbelievable. I’m never watching this show again! 👎🏻

[donnieisaprettyboy]

“baby gays treat queerness like some kind of exclusive club they’re always arguing about slur discourse and they refuse to learn their own history-“ SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

YOU ARE LITERALLY SEEING A SELECT HANDFUL OF BAD OPINIONS IN THE BRAINROT TRENCHES OF TIKTOK AND ASSUMING AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF QUEER KIDS DESERVE HATE FOR IT

JUST BECAUSE YOU CRITICIZE A SPECIFIC “TYPE” OF GAY DOES NOT MAKE IT ANY LESS HOMOPHOBIC

LEAVE THEM ALONE

[lucabyte]

i am looking at nohats au 👀 please share more

So! NoHats! I'm going to grab you and use this to ramble. A Lot.

The NoHats AU is @samhainian's it's just that I'm the strange little freak who takes the words said unto me and executes on them. But I can still do a little explainer on what our overall thoughts and vibes are. (And, that we are in fact propping up a little box with some cheese under it here. 🪤 Please (PLEASE) feel free to pick up what we're putting down.)

We're far from the only ones exploring a "what if siffrin fucking died" AU, though the main difference with NoHats is the placement of the death in the timeline. Instead of being 'Mal Du Pays Wins' or 'Act 6 encounter goes horribly wrong', the death is… Just after the (literal) falling action.

(This placement is because Sam is a comic book fan who thus has become used to characters being ripped away at the cruelest times by shitty writers. THANK FUCKING GOD adrienne is not that and isat is delightful yippieee, but, back on topic.)

Giving the party the full understanding of What Happened that you get by putting the death after black hole siffrin, but before the A6 encounter leaves an interesting gap to be filled. See, making Siffrin's death very much not Loop's fault means that… this once again reads (when not read as simply a tragedy...) as the universe doing what it sees fit to fulfull Loop's wish… Thus making Siffrin's death Loop's fault again, but only in their eyes. And only in a way they could express if they were honest about who they were…

And this is where having had excuse to waffle about my general Postcanon Loop thoughts the other day comes in handy, because Sam and I have that as our canon-compliant reading to begin with, NoHats plays off of a lot of the same readings of Loop's character. Namely: Uh Oh Somebody's Lying By Fucking Omission Again. (BECAUSE TO BE FAIR THIS TIME… HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU HANDLE THAT?)

Now, neither Sam nor I are fanfic writers, so this has been a little bit trapped in our heads and DMs (and my unfinished art but,)

But our thoughts on how NoHats like… Goes.

Siffrin's death is peaceful, but that does not mean the aftermath of it is. I can't imagine the party takes it well, especially after understanding the circumstances of the Loops. (And, of note, in A5 where nobody had the discussion on what to do with each other's bodies should something happen…) But I'd imagine it traumabonds them somewhat (understatement of the century) and now knowing how the rest of the party feels, they resolve to travel together for the forseeable future.

The party track down Loop to deliver the terrible news, since they were clearly Siffrin's friend too, and invite Loop along to travel at least long enough to (let them grieve) get the burial over with. Loop, here, can be helpful in knowing what Siffrin would've wanted where the party would be at a loss. Loop, I think, takes a bit of a lead on the funerary aspects of it all, because, um. (Performing rites on your own body, huh?)

Then, as things are after a death, life just… Kind of has to continue on as normal. The party travel, pick up Nille, and get to know Loop as this mysterious new person. Maybe in this situation they might stay in Bambouche for a while to give Bonnie more stability since. They are probably taking it the worst. It would've come out of absolutely nowhere for everyone in the party obviously but god, for a kid? For A Kid?

It should be stated NoHats is not intended to be grimdark, just y'know. An exploration of grief. This is also why it's got a bit of a lopsided focus on Bonnie vs the rest of the party because hhrrhghghhghghhhghhghhh <- incoherent

Now, a crossroads.

How does the party discover Loop to be Siffrin? How long does it take. How much have the party embraced them as part of the family (especially with something as intense to bond over as this)?

There's the Odile option. Have her put it together and have to bring it up somehow. This could also be done by Isabeau, perhaps. He's smart. (which. God. If anything's the real Isabeau Torment Nexus it's this)

Then there's the other option batted around by Sam and I. The: The Universe Dislikes Duplicates option.

The items in the house that fzzt away when inspected. The Universe doesn't like there to be two of something, at least not when they're acknowledged. But one of something is just fine…?

Which is to say. I'm not a personal proponent of 'Loop getting their body back'. EXCEPT …… except this one time.

There's only one Siffrin now, so they don't need to be obfuscated to exist.

Consider, if you will. Loop swallowing their guilt for long enough to be comfortable. Falling back into old habits. Without another Siffrin around to compete for the niche of, they actually begin to act like Siffrin again. Not intentionally, it's just… The party is as welcoming as they've always been. And the party swears they keep catching glimpses of a face under all the light.

Then, one day, while still not fully human again, the resemblence becomes undeniable. Loop having not even noticed until everyone looks at them like they've seen a ghost.

Has it been months? How long have they kept up this lie? Is it even a lie, to them? They're Loop. But they were, once, Siffrin.

Even after explaining it, does that make it better or worse?

Bonnie cuts through the betrayed, struck-nerve reactions with a sobering "I missed you."

… Anyway !

Yeah so that's the vibe for NoHats. As for LoopLoops? That's more nebulous. I think it can go anywhere really in the NoHats timeline. I err personally toward the "Loop continuously replays the last 10 minutes before Siffrin's death almost immediately after they find out and have to parkour their ass up the House in the most distressing situation possible to try and get them to hold on, just please hold on." (Remember! Siffrin can remember the contents of Loop's loop backs in the A6 fight!)

But there is the possibility that this happens months, or worse years down the road. One last Loop back. Throw it all away for the chance to just get that one thing you didn't know you even wanted but now know you NEED.

Misc:

Okay miscellaneous time.

This is where I admit that I have a bunch of unfinished NoHats art that I haven't gotten around to yet because I feel like a right tool being so obviously Loop-Centric with my fancontent (I AM . . I REALISE I AM NOT DOING MUCH TO BEAT THE ALLEGATIONS.) So like if people want to see that please say because euaghghghhfh <- the nervous.

this is like the most fucked up place to do isaloop fr. anyway.

one of Sam's mid-game observations that I'm just going to share for no particular reason is that Bonnie's hair shares a bunch of shapes with Siffrin's. The flick up at the top, the 3 pronged shape of the fringe… just something to think about.

Without 2 Siffrins around to compare each other to it'd likely be a lot harder to notice Loop's similarities. Doesn't mean that those similarities don't sting more in this context though.

If you do NoHats without LoopLoops. The concept of this all fading into memory years down the line while they just have slightly-glowy but otherwise regular Siffrin hanging out is fucked up to think about. Just like real grief. Augh

6. a peek into the original dms as a treat from us

[hylialeia]

"i can't come up with a fantasy name for my world so i HAVE to use chatgpt to get the gears flowing" have you all forgotten what fantasynamegenerators.com has done for you

[comradesummers]

btvs season 7 episode 16 storyteller my beloved! episodes that start out really fun and zany but end up being surprisingly sad and poignant my beloved! reflections on the act of narration, on who is telling the story and what their perspective is my beloved! buffy being the badass speech giving girlboss general for most of the episode (because that's how andrew sees her) but then actually admitting how desperate and vulnerable she is to andrew of all people because she knows no one will believe him if he tells them about it my beloved! buffy refusing to let andrew deflect the guilt of murdering jonathan because if there's one thing buffy "you have a choice, you don't have a good choice but you have a choice!" summers can't stand it's people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions my beloved! andrew actually admitting that he murdered jonathan my beloved! the episode ending on andrew not being able to narrate to the camera anymore because he knows there's nothing he can say that can make it better my beloved!

season 7 mostly sucks but when it hits it hits okay

[woodsie]

still unwell thinking about the mumbo coal miner idea

cause like if we go on the assumption jimmys canary curse was broken in secret life and thus doesn’t exist in wild life (and so theres no canary to warn the miner)

long term acute exposure to certain gasses in the mines can cause irritability and unease, on top of this the gasses are usually highly flammable

and like geez, i wonder who’s been weirdly paranoid and died to an explosion this season 🤔

[uncanny-tranny]

Also, in response to the "testosterone making people angrier" myth, I've found that, personally, testosterone has given me the self-respect to recognize and call out when my boundaries are being overstepped in ways that I wouldn't have had the courage (or, frankly even liking of myself) to have done before. This is in addition to me working on my trauma responses, but testosterone was the spark that gave me the will to do this in the first place. When I see people sae that as anger and thus is a "bad thing," I wonder how much of that is just people being uncomfortable with us... having boundaries or enforcing them, and that the response to that overstepping is labeled as aggressive anger.

Frankly, I now actually respect myself enough to care when I am being mistreated. It seems that people sometimes take that as a personal failure on my end because I don't think I deserve mistreatment.

Caveat: Anger is a fine emotion, and it is a worthy thing to recognize and honour. I find that the accusation of trans men* and trans masc* people "being angry" on testosterone is a moot point simply because it is often a false accusation which uses anger as a punishment. My issue isn't that we're "angry," but that our perceived anger is used, often, as a transphobic bludgeon to punish those who either want to transition with testosterone or who currently are, and everything in-between.

[belliesandburps]

Interactive - Favorite Burp Scenario

I need something to take my mind off the fact that we are home to the dumbest, most bigoted fucking assholes on this planet, and I feel like a lot of you probably feel the same way right now. So, how about another interactive game? Send me character requests via my askbox here and I will respond with my favorite burp scenario to imagine for them. (Note, ideally, keep it to characters I know or that you think I may know)

[boobilby]

I’m not sure if this counts as suggestive but I’m tagging it anyways