#and honestly if they do they either have enough reach that this kind of verbal-editing is necessary. or they're a theatre kid.

[atissi]

i think the internet could be greatly improved if we just assume that OP is always talking to someone who is not you. if the post is not personally applicable or relevant, cool, this isn't a conversation you're in. this is a strangers' conversation that you're eavesdropping on.

[mochi-marie]

Hi! I've never requested from you before, so I hope I'm doing this right. Could you do Kirishima, Bakugou, Midoriya, and Todoroki comforting their s/o who's insecure about their smile (they have an overbite), so they hate smiling in photos, and they sometimes even get embarrassed smiling in front of the boys? If you don't wanna do this, that's fine too, I'm just feeling a little insecure. Thank you either way <3

˗ˏˋ 𝐁𝐍𝐇𝐀 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐒 + 𝐒/𝐎 𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐄 ˎˊ˗

author’s note : hey hey!! check the new layout everyone!! anyways, tysm for this request love! dw, you're doing it right, ty for being so kind hun! <3

perspective : gender neutral

characters : kirishima eijirou, bakugou katsuki, midoriya izuku, todoroki shoto

⊰ 𝗞𝗜𝗥𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗠𝗔 𝗘𝗜𝗝𝗜𝗥𝗢𝗨 ⊱

♡ … one of the best confidence boosters around, let's be honest! kirishima is amazing at lifting people's spirits, and is generally pretty observant when it comes to general emotions.

♡ … kirishima probably wouldn't confront you about the insecurity at first, taking a different approach and instead dropping little genuine compliments that he was too shy to say before!

♡ … he'll be a little sad if you're insecure smiling around him -- if you cover your mouth his laughter will die down and worry will seep into his red eyes, but a soft smile is left shining on his face.

♡ … "hey... don't hide it, i love your smile!" he'll spit out quickly, grabbing your wrist softly and moving to weave his fingers with your own, a toothy smile breaking out on his own.

♡ … "i know how you feel," he says, gesturing to his wide, toothy smile that is often compared to that of a shark's grin. "but you like my smile, right?"

♡ … when you nod, he only grins wider, fiddling with your fingers that were held in his hand as he continues, "and i love your smile. we're perfect the way we are!" he says, shrugging his shoulders with a bashful yet beaming look on his face.

♡ … a bright smile always crosses his face, along with a proud expression, when he notices you smiling in front of him and others more. in private, he will most certainly cup your face with a toothy grin on his face as he tells you how happy and proud he is!

⊰ 𝗕𝗔𝗞𝗨𝗚𝗢𝗨 𝗞𝗔𝗧𝗦𝗨𝗞𝗜 ⊱

♡ … i don't think bakugou would really notice your insecurity at first, and neither would he really confront you on why you tend to cover your mouth when you smile or laugh, or when you don't like getting pictures taken / smiling in pictures.

♡ … i mean, he doesn't smile in pictures, so why would this raise any suspicion if you didn't either? but, this isn't to say that it wouldn't ever be brought to his attention.

♡ … it could be through kaminari or kirishima mentioning it, perhaps catching you looking at your smile in the mirror, or maybe he figures it out somehow on his own -- who knows?

♡ … bakugou probably won't say anything, though every time you ask him about your smile, or if he catches you looking at your face in the mirror or covering your mouth, he might grab your wrist and pull them down, or say "stop that" in an unusually sharp yet gentle tone.

♡ … he doesn't like the look on your face when you're silently judging your smile, and the pull at his heart doesn't sit right with him either.

♡ … so, he'll simply try his best to reassure you in his own ways. whether it be taking sneaky photos of your smile to set as lockscreens where you'll see them, or indirectly complimenting you some way or another.

♡ … maybe, if bakugou's feeling a bit generous or softer than usual, he may tell you how nice he thinks your smile truly is, because we all know that his heart flips when you do smile so lovingly at him.

⊰ 𝗠𝗜𝗗𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗬𝗔 𝗜𝗭𝗨𝗞𝗨 ⊱

♡ … insecure about your smile? the moment he finds out, a piece of him shatters, most likely because you mentioned it casually when he curiously asked why you always cover your mouth when you laugh or grin.

♡ … he reaches across and grabs your hands, fiddling with them while he tries to think of a good strategy to address the new information on your insecurity. would it be rude to try and relate by telling you his insecurity about the scars on his hands? had he not complimented your smile, and if not would you want compliments? what if he stumbled and you took it the wrong way? what if-

♡ … you'll have to snap him out of his wild train of thoughts, but the moment you do, he'll be stumbling over himself trying to speak. multiple trains of though collide into a jumbled mess.

♡ … midoriya wants to ask why, but at the same he wants to compliment you and your insecurity, but on another hand he wants to relate because maybe that would make you feel more comfortable.

♡ … he settles on no words this time. as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words do, right? he spends more time trying to make you smile or laugh, anything to see your smile.

♡ … midoriya figures that maybe if you smile more, the insecurity might only become an after thought, or something so buried by your happiness that it struggles to be your first thought.

♡ … in reality, just seeing the loud look of adoration on his face when he sees you smile is enough to get you smiling more, and if not that, then his bright adorable smile is more than enough reason to grab his hands rather than cover your face.

⊰ 𝗧𝗢𝗗𝗢𝗥𝗢𝗞𝗜 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗧𝗢 ⊱

♡ … not unlike kirishima, todoroki would eventually put two and two together. he may not be the best at understanding insecurities or other emotions such as that, but that doesn't mean that he won't notice that when you smile, you cover your face, or that you don't really like pictures being taken of you.

♡ … he will most likely wait until the opportunity comes up, preferably when it is just you two, as to avoid any unwanted eyes.

♡ … "why do you cover your face when you smile?" will be as blunt as ever, getting straight to the point as he looks at you with a straight, seemingly blank face.

♡ … though you could see the curiosity in his eyes. and once you explain that you're insecure about your smile, he only seems to grow even more confused than before.

♡ … todoroki does not understand why you would be insecure over your smile, and he says that as well, adding in a small "i think your smile looks like a normal smile". he truly doesn't know where this insecurity could have came from.

♡ … your overbite, he never even noticed to be honest. he probably just thought that, that was the way your smile had always looked, it was you to him. todoroki doesn't see the issue with an overbite, or an underbite!

♡ … he's not the best with verbal support or compliments, nor is he that confident in his ability of giving a compliment that he think would sound sincere, but he tries his best. after the conversation, whenever you would smile, he always pipes up with : "you have a nice smile" and honestly? it's adorable, what with the light tone he adopts and the small, hidden smile tugging at his lips when you giggle.

© — mochi-marie.tumblr 2021 ⊱ please do not plagerize, repost, reproduce, edit / alter, or claim any works as your own.

[depressedkakashihatake-fics]

Birthday Challenge

Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai

5431 Words (It’s a long XD)

Kakagai Week Day 8: Gai’s Birthday

Edited by: @mireleth

Two days of non-stop preparation, help from every single member of Team Seven and Team Gai, and more work than he has ever put into anything else in his life, and here he is.

Standing in front of Gai, sweating buckets after asking him for a challenge for the first time in months. 

“A challenge?” Gai looks unsure about the request, which only makes Kakashi worry more. “I would never turn down a challenge with you, Rival. Though, I must admit it is a bit odd. You are rarely ever the one to initiate a challenge.”

He had known that Gai might have concerns about the fact that he was actually asking for a challenge for once, but it was a risk that he had to take. His plans wouldn’t work otherwise.

Still, he had to play this cool or Gai would start to really worry about him.

“It’s your birthday,” he reminds his rival with a lazy shrug of his shoulders. “And I didn’t get to spend as much time with you yesterday as I usually do. I thought a challenge would make up for a bit of that time that we lost.”

Of course, it’s his own fault that he lost so much time with Gai yesterday, but he doesn’t need to tell Gai that. Tenzo had needed help with the finish line that he had planned out, and he needed to make sure some of their friends were available to hang around in some of the places they would be passing.

Not to mention the fact that he had to go over the set-up he had planned out with his team again, making sure that they know where to set up the markers for him and Gai to follow.

It’s been a lot of work to make sure everything is done in time. But when all was said and done, it’s perfect.

“A challenge to make up for lost time then.” A nod of his head and the usual blinding smile returns to Gai’s face. “In that case, what kind of challenge do you have in mind?”

“A race.” That had been the easiest part of the challenge to figure out. “Team Seven worked on their teamwork this morning to help me set up a trail for us to race down. There’s markers all over the village for us to follow, and a member of the team is waiting at certain checkpoints to make sure we don’t run off the path.” 

“There’s a path?” He can see the gears working in Gai’s head. “You really thought this out, Rival.”

There’s more that Gai wants to say. He can see it written on his face, but the words are left unspoken for the moment. Something for him to ask later when they’re alone.

“I wanted a challenge worthy of your birthday.” A little sappy, but it’s true. “A race seemed appropriate, but I didn’t want it to be too quick or it would be a forgettable challenge.”

“I doubt that I could ever forget a challenge that you put this amount of effort into thinking up for us.” Kakashi’s eyes widen with surprise, a deep warm feeling blooming in his chest. How is it that Gai can make him feel so loved with just a few simple words? “Where is this race going to start?”

Reaching out, Kakashi takes hold of Gai’s hand. “I’ll show you.” He gives Gai a quick smile before turning on his heel and heading towards the starting point where Sai is waiting for them.

From the top of the jonin apartments Kakashi can see half of the trail marked out, and for the first time since planning started he’s actually regretting telling Naruto to use ‘whatever he can think of’ to make markers.

He really should have known that Naruto’s answer to the problem would be shadow clones. It’s always shadow clones.

“So the markers are…” Kakashi nods his head, unwilling to give any verbal confirmation to the fact that he’s now going to have to race around the village searching for Naruto. The complete opposite of what he does every other day of his life.

“You’ll know the first checkpoint when you see it.” Deep down Kakashi wonders if Asuma remembers the deal that they made. It isn’t necessary to the whole thing, but it’s a nice touch he wants to see, if only because it will make Gai smile. “Follow the markers until the finish point. I have Sakura waiting at the end for us.”

Actually, everyone will be there when they reach the end. Hopefully Team Gai will have already joined Sakura, and the others will join as soon as they can. Honestly, it’s probably going to feel a little crowded for his liking, but it’s how he wants it to go.

He can’t imagine doing this any other way.

“Are you two ready?” Sai looks almost bored when he asks them, his hands resting on his hips. 

Taking one look at Gai, Kakashi smiles when he sees excitement burning in his eyes. Even after all these years and all of the challenges they have done together, he still looks like a happy puppy when he’s presented with a new one.

“I think we’re ready.” Getting into a ready position, Kakashi presses his hands into the ground and smiles as he thinks about what’s waiting for them at the finish line. “Start the count down when you want, Sai.”

“Three… two…” —Sai pulls a scroll out of his side pocket and flips it open, allowing the paper to spread out in front of him— “one.” A few quick hand signs and suddenly there’s a painted tiger bursting from the scroll. 

Digging his foot into the ground, Kakashi uses the leverage that it gives him and launches himself forward. Beside him Gai follows suit, though he instantly takes a small lead over Kakashi. 

An expected outcome, but not one that will set Kakashi back. The odds may not be in his favour when it comes to a speed-based challenge, but that will never mean that he will simply hand the win to Gai. If he does that he’ll never get better as a shinobi, and Gai will never let him live it down.

So he puts all of his effort into the race, and as their feet hit the main street he manages to close the gap between them. An accomplishment in his eyes. Now he just has to keep that gap as small as possible so he can see Gai’s reactions to the things that they will be passing.

First comes the dango shop.

The familiar sign stands out among all of the other shops around it, though Kakashi’s sure that part of the reason for that is the fact that he’s specifically looking for the dango shop. Though, seeing Asuma and Kurenai stepping outside just as they close in on the small shop does help. 

As they pass by he can see Gai lifting a hand to wave to their friends, only to have Asuma throw a stick of dango his way. He catches it effortlessly, of course, but there’s a confused look on his face when he glances back at Kakashi. He continues forward anyways.

It’s not the best idea Kakashi has ever had, but a little treat to enjoy at the end of their race is something that he thinks will be a sweet touch. Plus, he hopes at the end of the race Gai will have seen enough on their path to remember some of their fonder moments together at the small shop. 

    If he doesn’t, at least Asuma has remembered to give Gai the dango. That’s a win in his books.

With the dango shop now behind them, Kakashi turns down an alleyway and smirks when he sees one of Naruto’s shadow clones waiting for them. 

“Up!” Naruto smiles big and bright, pointing up towards the roof behind him. With the directions given, Kakashi decides to have a little fun. As he reaches the shadow clone’s side he jumps upwards, just enough to give himself a little momentum. Of course Gai hasn’t wasted his energy and has instead used all of his effort to jump onto the roof with one easy movement. As soon as he notices that Kakashi is no longer by his side he looks back down towards the ground in time to see Kakashi’s feet coming into contact with the shadow clone's hands.

With a boost from Naruto, Kakashi goes flying into the air past Gai. He’s pretty sure he can hear a soft “cheater” being called out to him, but he barely registers it as the wind blows through his hair. 

The top of the building comes into view, and being Kakashi he decides to do the most show-off move that he can think of at the moment. A quick front flip, and a mid-air spin that has his hair slapping him in the face, and his feet land on the roof.

A terrible idea really, because as soon as he catches up Gai’s feet hit the wooden roof and he’s off, a burst of speed and laughter leaving Kakashi in the dust.

That’s what he gets for showing off though, and he knows for a fact that Gai wouldn’t have him any other way. The feeling is mutual, of course, and he quickly follows after Gai, determined to close the gap once again.

Jumping from roof to roof is a breath of fresh air. The streets down below are always so crowded, and if he hadn’t wanted them to pass by the dango shop he would have stayed on the rooftops the entire time. There’s a certain joy he gets from feeling the wind in his hair and seeing all of the people they’re passing on the streets.

Thankfully, neither of the last two checkpoints involve being at street level in the village so he won’t have to worry about dodging between civilians any longer. 

Seeing yet another shadow clone up ahead, he smiles when he saw Gai look in the direction that they’re being guided towards. There’s an unmistakable glint in Gai’s eyes when he sees Hokage Rock. One that Kakashi knows is there even though he can’t see it due to his position directly behind Gai.

Maybe he’s already starting to figure out some of Kakashi’s plans, or maybe he just thinks it cute that Kakashi is leading him all the way up to the Rock. Either way, Kakashi is just happy that Gai seems to be enjoying himself. That’s the main goal.

Turning towards Hokage Rock, Kakashi smiles when Gai looks back at him.

“You’re falling behind, Rival. Have you been slacking on your training?” A taunt. Something that Gai picked up years ago from Kakashi when he had really started to take these challenges seriously. It’s a natural part of Kakashi’s personality to taunt Gai when he’s doing better than him, but for Gai it has been a process to become comfortable enough to return them without feeling like he’s insulting Kakashi somehow.

“Maybe I just like the view back here.” The jab works as intended, making Gai’s eyes go wide with embarrassment and causing him to trip over his own two feet. He recovers quickly, of course. Any good shinobi would. But that one second of misstep allows Kakashi to close the gap between them. 

Gai still looks a little surprised, but it’s quickly replaced with determination as they both turn their attention to Hokage Rock and increase speed just a little.

The path Naruto has laid out for them leads them up the right side of the rock, directly beside Tsunade-sama’s carving. It’s a little hard to see what’s going on down below from where he is, but that’s a disadvantage he has to take to ensure that Gai is on the outer side of the path.

Perfectly placed to see the top of each of the Hokages’ carvings. 

“Y-yamato?” Gai’s footing stumbles again, but this time Kakashi slows himself down to keep pace with him. It won’t be any fun if he can’t see Gai’s reactions to everything he has so carefully planned out. “Why is Yamato…”

Moving to Gai’s side, Kakashi looks over the edge and smiles at Tenzo relaxing on top of the fourth Hokage’s carving. The exact spot where Kakashi had first introduced Gai and Tenzo for the first time, shortly after getting Tenzo out of Root and away from Danzo.

It was the first time anyone had told him that they were proud of him since Minato-sensei’s death. The soft, kind look in Gai’s eyes are forever burned into his memory as the moment that he knew without a doubt that he was completely and utterly in love.

Of course he doesn’t expect Gai to remember right away. He was never good with faces and actually failed to remember who Tenzo was at all until he had gotten his hair cut and Gai had seen him hanging around Kakashi more regularly outside of their ANBU missions. 

“Oh.” They’ve reached the end of Hokage Rock when he hears the soft exclamation escaping Gai’s lips, and he can feel a comfortable warmth in his chest when Gai’s eyes turn towards him. There it is again. Those soft kind eyes staring deep into his soul. “You really put thought into this, Rival.”

“It wouldn’t be worthy of being called a ‘Birthday Challenge’ if I hadn’t.” Part of him wonders if Gai will bring up the memory when they finish the race, or if he will be too overwhelmed with what waits at the finish line to even remember this moment. “Come on, Gai, focus or I’m going to get ahead of you.”

To prove his point Kakashi increases his speed just a fraction more. Barely enough to inch ahead of Gai. It doesn’t last long, of course. Seeing the threat to his win, Gai returns his attention to the race and goes barreling ahead of Kakashi.

A little too far ahead, in his opinion.

He really had hoped this race wouldn’t be too taxing on his stamina, but then he had gone and taunted Gai. This was his fault and no one else's. 

Following the next shadow clone down another turn, Kakashi smiles when the edge of the village comes into view. The finish line is close, and his heart is starting to hammer in his chest. Though, that could also be because of the effort he’s exerting just to keep up with Gai.

Why did he do this to himself? Gai is faster than him. A race is always a bad idea.

“You’re falling behind, Rival!” Gai throws his taunt back at him with the biggest smile. 

Some days he wonders why he’s fallen in love with Gai, and then he sees that smile again and he knows. There is no other option but to love the human personification of the sun. Only a fool would say no to such stunning beauty standing right in front of them.

Increasing his speed just a little, Kakashi smiles as he comes up to Gai’s side. “You know,” he gives the other man a playful look, “if I win this race you’re going to have to admit to your students that I’m better than you.”

There’s a frown on Gai’s face now. Not one of annoyance or anger, but rather deep contemplation. It’s sort of cute.

“And if you lose, you have to admit to your students that I am better than you!” Gai throws his taunt back at him as if it holds the same weight. “Either way, one of us will be embarrassed when our students find out who won.”

That’s actually sort of cute, the fact that Gai thinks Kakashi tells his students about their challenges at all. Though, admittedly they will see how this one plays out since they’re waiting for them at the finish line.

“My students aren’t going to be surprised at all,” he points out as they turn another corner, the finish line coming into view and Tenzo’s figure barely visible beside the giant house that he’s built for Kakashi in return for favours of his own promised sometime in the future. A wood clone. That’s the only explanation he can think of for how Tenzo has gotten here before them. “They know their sensei well enough to know you’ll win.”

When he doesn’t hear a protest from Gai, he glances back towards him. A look of confusion is cemented on his face as he takes in the sight before them. 

“Almost there.” Reaching out he takes hold of Gai’s hand and gives it a quick squeeze. “You’re not going to give up now, are you?”

Confusion melts away, replaced quickly by a new burning desire.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Releasing his grip on Gai’s hand, Kakashi turns his attention back towards the finish line and focuses all of his energy on increasing speed.

Whether he takes a moment to close his eyes and focus, opening the first gate for one last boost of speed, well that’s between him and Gai.

“Whoo!!!”

Everyone throws their hands up in the air as the pair come barreling through the finish line. Kakashi’s not really sure what’s going on for a moment because suddenly everyone’s surrounding them in every direction. This had not been in the plans.

“Gai-sensei, you were amazing!” Lee jumps forward, throwing his arms around Gai’s neck for a hug. “Your race was full of energy and youth!”

“We only saw the end of it.” There’s a soft smile on Tenten’s face when she speaks. A fond look as she watches her sensei and teammate hug. “How can you know what happened in the whole race?”

“We saw both Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei opening the first gate to try and secure the win.” Kakashi’s not at all surprised that Gai had resorted to using the first gate after his little stunt. It only made sense after all to meet cheating with cheating. “That tells me that the whole race was amazing without a doubt.”

“Ever the optimist.” Neji sighs, his arms crossed over his chest as always but a soft smile on his face. “I doubt any challenge between Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei would be anything less than spectacular. As long as they’re not playing Janken, of course.”

The jab hurts a little, but he deserves it. He really only challenges Gai to Janken just to bug him because he knows it always annoys him.

“So?” Resting an arm on Sai’s shoulder, Naruto beams when everyone turns their attention towards him. “Who won, Captain Yamato? That’s what we really want to hear.”

Making his way over to the small group, Tenzo smiles when Kakashi and Gai turn their attention to him. Waiting patiently for his answer. “Well—”

“Wait!” There’s a part of him that feels bad for Tenzo. Watching his kohai being interrupted and then shoved to the ground by an enthusiastic Gai in favour of the building behind him. “When did this… Tenzo, did you build this?”

Dusting off his shirt, Tenzo gathers himself to his feet and glares at Gai. “I did,” he confirms. “And you show your thanks by throwing me to the ground. I’m going to avoid doing anything nice for you again.”

Not that it really was ‘for’ Gai. 

With Gai’s attention focused on the house, Kakashi turns to look at Sakura and smiles when he sees her already holding out the decorative box he had left in her care. He had made the right choice trusting her with this task.

Taking the box from her carefully, he turns back to Gai, closes the distance between them, and holds his hands out with the box facing out towards Gai. 

Now he just has to wait for his sun to turn towards him.

“It’s beautiful.” For a second it looks like Gai’s going to walk away to explore the house. A reaction that Kakashi had accounted for, and from the corner of his eye he can already see Tenten and Lee getting ready to intercept their sensei. Thankfully, that won’t be necessary. “Kakashi have you see—”

The question is cut off when Gai turns to look at him. 

“What…” There’s a certain joy Kakashi gets out of being able to render Maito Gai speechless. It’s a rare thing that very few can accomplish, and he enjoys the fact that he is one of very few who have managed it so far. 

Now he just has to hope that the proposal Kurenai helped him create is good enough.

Except, now that he’s here with Gai staring wide-eyed at him and both of their teams waiting anxiously to hear what he has to say, he can’t do it. The words refuse to come out. 

All of that hard work he’s put into making everything absolutely perfect is ruined, and the only thing he can blame is his own damn inability to talk about his feelings and lay his heart on the line. All he can do is stand there as the panic settles in.

First comes the pain. The feeling of his ribs caving in him, like a crushing weight sitting on his chest. 

When he feels his hands starting to tremble he knows he’s done for. It’s a surefire sign that he’s slipping into panic mode. That he needs to get out of here, as far away from people as poss—

Gai’s hands are warm as they cover his, pulling his thoughts away from the pain and panic and to that blinding, beautiful smile.

“Take a deep breath.” It hurts to breathe, but he does as he’s told and draws in a deep, slow breath. “I can wait.”

Perfect.

Gai is always so perfect. Calm, patient, sweet, understanding. He never pushes Kakashi. Never expects him to spill his guts and make big flowery speeches about his feelings, even when it’s what he wants to do.

What he wishes he could do.

“Marry me.” The words fall from his mouth with unfamiliar ease, and he can already tell that everyone around him is silently judging. Wishing they could smack him upside the head, or yell at him. But they don’t. They just stand there and watch the disaster that is his life.

Gai, for once in his life, looks genuinely confused. “I… what?”

“Marry me.” This time there’s more confidence in his voice, his hands stretching out to present Gai with the box still sitting firmly in his hold. “Stay by my side, forever, adore me unconditionally and let me love you in return. Marry me, so I can tell all of Konoha… all of the world, that I get to wake up beside Maito Gai every day and call him my husband.”

It’s cheesy. Nothing compared to the well thought out, romantic, beautiful speech that Kurenai had helped him create. He’s certain she knew this kind of thing would happen when she agreed to give him a hand, but he appreciates her effort to help him nonetheless.

He cringes as Gai removes his hands. For a second he thinks Gai’s going to open the box presented to him, which is kind of the point of why he’s holding it out. Instead, those gentle sweet hands come up to cup his cheeks.

“Yes.” There’s no sweeter sound in the world. With that one simple word, Kakashi can feel all of his anxieties and fears drain away, excitement taking their place within seconds. 

“You—yes?” He’s almost afraid to ask for confirmation, but a simple nod of Gai’s head has his stomach twisting with excitement. “We…”

Gai’s hands move slowly, sliding back and carefully cradling his head in that strong, soft grip. He can’t help but close his eyes as Gai leans in and presses their foreheads together. Here, right now, with Gai, Tenzo, and both of their teams, there’s nowhere he’d rather be.

“I adore you.” He melts as Gai says the words. Three simple words he has been saying since they were young. Words that Gai uses to replace the one phrase that has terrified Kakashi for years. “And I can’t wait to be your husband, Hatake Kakashi. 

“You know,” there’s a spike of annoyance when Sai speaks up, but he stamps it down as quickly as it rears its ugly head, “I believe you are supposed to accept Kakashi-taicho’s gift in order to accept the proposal.”

“The gift can wait.” Tenzo’s voice is full of amusement. “Let them enjoy the moment.”

“It’s cute.” He can hear a ‘but’ in Sakura’s voice. He just knows it’s coming. “But…”

“No buts.” Tenten’s enthusiastic voice cuts his student off, and he’s certain he can hear the moment Tenten slaps Sakura on the shoulder. “Let them be cute. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. You think Kakashi-sensei is ever going to show us this side of him again?”

“Good point.”

They were grounded, both of them. As soon as he could think straight and keep the smile off of his face for more than five seconds, he was grounding them both. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t their actual dad and Gai will just override him. He going to do it.

But for now, he’s going to focus on that warm feeling blooming in his chest as Gai leansed in and presses a kiss over his exposed eye. The happiness he feels as he thinks of the future he had thought he would never be allowed to have for years.

The future he he’s only just started to believe in.

His future, by Gai’s side. Forever and always.

“I love you, Turtle.” The words are soft and gentle. Barely audible, but enough that he can hear a happy sound leaving Gai’s throat. “Always will.”

    “And I love you, Rival.” He can’t help but laugh. Most people probably think their idea of ‘pet names’ is pretty unimaginative, but he can’t imagine Gai calling him anything else. “The man who came up with a whole race built around some of our fondest memories.”

        “So you did notice.” A small smile pulls at his lips. 

          “Of course I did.” There’s pride in Gai’s voice. “The dango shop, my favourite place to hang out with friends and a place you’ve turned down going to with me for years until just recently.”

It’s perhaps not the most romantic memory, but it’s important to them. To their relationship.

“The top of Minato-sensei’s carving on Hokage Rock, where you first introduced me to Yamato and I got hissed at for the first time in my life.” Kakashi can’t help but snort. It isn’t a lie, but he really hadn’t expected Gai to add that little piece of information when reliving the memory.

“It taught you not to hug people you didn’t know, didn’t it,” Tenzo grumbled off to the side. “And no, I won’t explain.”

“I’ll tell you the story later.” Judging by the way Gai’s looking around the area, he guesses that he’s talking to the kids. He can only imagine the various looks on their faces. It probably paints a very entertaining picture that he’d love to see any other day.

Now, though, his full attention is focused on Gai.

“And?” Stepping forward, he pushes the small box into Gai’s hands and presses a quick kiss to his lips, ignoring the groans of protest behind him because he hasn’t bothered to take off his mask. “What about here? Right where we’re standing now?”

“That one…” Gai’s eyes travel back to the house, taking in the view once again. “You really did that, huh?”

             “I thought it was the perfect place.” Glancing over Gai’s shoulder, he can’t help but smile when he sees the house. It had taken him weeks to figure out what exactly he wanted, and more than a few tries on Tenzo’s part to get it right. “Tenzo put in most of the work of course, and I owe him lunch for three years because of it.”

             “Damn right you do.” Tenzo tries to sound stern with his insistence, but there’s a fondness in his voice that Kakashi doesn’t miss.

              “It’s perfect.” When Gai looks back at him, there are tears in his eyes. Not the usual over the top tears when something amazing happens, these are more like watery eyes with a few stray tears rolling down his face. Kakashi’s pretty sure he’s never seen Gai cry quite like this before. “I love it.”

          ��Well, good,” he laughs awkwardly. “It’s ours. We can move in whenever you want.”

          There’s supposed to be a tradition. Things you have to do, a wedding to be held, and the paperwork to signify that they are officially moving. He doesn’t care though. The quicker he can be in his new home with Gai, the better. 

            “You never did say what was so special about this place, Senpai.” Tenzo steps up to his side, eyes locked on the house he’s built for them. “Why were you so determined to have the house here? It’s so far away from everything.”

           Not that being far away from everyone else is really a downside for Kakashi. Maybe he’ll hear less ruckus on the streets at night, and he certainly won’t hear Kurenai and Asuma doing naughty things in Asuma’s apartment next door. 

           “It’s where Gai lived as a kid.” He smiles at the memories of the old house that he had visited so often when they were still young. Built by Dai to ensure they had a roof over their heads when he didn’t have enough money to buy them a place in the village. “I thought it was appropriate. Living in the same place as someone who loved him as much as I do.”

            This time Gai has to cover his eyes with an arm to hide the tears, and all of their students can be heard giggling behind him. 

          Cheesy. He’s probably being cheesy. A rare occurrence for him, but one the kids seem to be enjoying the chance to experience. 

           “This is the best thing I have ever seen,” he can hear the smirk in Sakura’s voice, “Ino is going to be jealous she missed it.”

Usually he would care that Sakura is obviously going to be spilling secrets about him to her girlfriend, but he can’t find it in him to bother right now. Not with Gai standing in front of him slowly lowering his arm and giving him the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

Is it possible to fall in love all over again? Right now it certainly feels like it.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, Rival.” If his mask wasn’t in place he’s sure everyone would be able to see the blush rising up into his cheeks. “Starting today, at dinner. We need to celebrate our engagement with our teams, don’t you think?”

He knows there’s no escape from what is going to be the loudest, most crowded dinner he has ever taken part in, and he can’t imagine ending his day any other way. Celebrating with his husband-to-be, his best friend, and the hatchlings and the pups.

It’s perfect.

“Hey, Bushy-brow-sensei, you haven’t even opened your gift yet.” Okay, almost perfect. There will always be Naruto and his special talent for ruining the moment. “We want to know what it is too. Kakashi-sensei refused to show us.”

The switch flips. As soon as Naruto shows too much interest in seeing Gai’s gift, Kakashi has to do everything in his power to make sure it won’t happen. Reaching out, he places a hand over the box as Gai moves to open it, and smiles playfully.

“I think it’s best if you open it later.” He can hear Naruto protesting behind him, but he ignores it. “When it’s just you and me.”

The look on Gai’s face says he knows exactly what Kakashi is doing, and usually he doesn’t entertain Kakashi’s trolling ways. Something about being ‘honest’ and ‘fair’ with their friends and students.

Today, however, seems to be different. With a playful smile of his own, Gai pulls the box close to his chest and turns his attention towards Naruto. “We should choose where we’re going for dinner.” No explanation. Perfect. “It has to be the best place for a celebration.”

Kakashi can already hear the answer leaving Naruto’s mouth, and for once he’s not going to complain. Ramen actually does seem like the perfect place for a celebration this time. 

Anywhere is perfect really, as long as he has Gai by his side.

[echo-bleu]

no one ever said it would be this hard

For @moonlight-breeze-44 Happy birthday Em!! I hope you like this. I made it all angsty and painful for you 💙

I've been wanting to write Alec breaking down after breaking up with Magnus for a good while, and this was a great opportunity. This is part of my map out a world series (though there's no need to read the other parts first as it's mostly canon compliant), but it can reasonably be read as a prequel to take me back to the start, too. Hence the Coldplay title.

Huge thanks to my amazing beta @jeanboulet who edited this super fast and helped me figure out a title.

[self-harm, self-injurious stims, meltdown, blood, dissociation]

Read on AO3.

It should be raining, or something. There should be some kind of external sign that the world has just turned on its axis. The night shouldn’t be this… normal.

Alec runs back to the Institute on autopilot. He doesn’t even realize that he’s forgotten to activate his speed rune until he arrives, panting, at the front doors. He runs fast enough to make his lungs burn, because it prevents him from crying all the tears in his body. He shouldn’t cry. He chose this.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t make it feel any less like his whole world just ended.

Maybe because it did.

“Alec!”

He’s assaulted by Izzy as soon as he steps inside. He doesn’t even have time to take his hand off the handle of the door before she’s in his space, shouting. Something about Jonathan. Something about Clary. Something—

Wait. He didn’t follow any of that, but something clicks in his mind. He felt pain in the parabatai bond, before. He didn’t really feel it, with how fucking tense he was, but he noted it in a corner of his mind somehow. Jace is hurt. Izzy is panicked. Clary is… missing, if what his brain is parsing together is right. Jonathan is gone.

Fuck.

Alec pushes it all away. He knows how to do it, how to switch to soldier mode. Dissociate his feelings from his actions, make his body and his brain do what needs to be done. He’s always known. It was the first thing he learned, long before the Academy, long before formal training. He closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens them again, there is nothing but complete clarity.

As long as he holds on tight.

He takes Izzy by the shoulders. “Tell me again.”

“Jonathan got into Clary’s head!” Izzy shouts again, too loud in his ears, like she can’t control the level of her voice in her panic. Alec doesn’t wince. He doesn’t feel pain the same way, when he does this.

It’s useful. He can just hold her tighter and get the whole story out of her, how Clary knocked Jace out and freed Jonathan. “They’re gone.”

“Okay,” Alec murmurs, for Izzy’s benefit. “Okay. Calm down. We need to secure the premises.”

“Already done, sir,” Underhill comes behind Izzy. “No sign of them. We have a Seelie knight dead in the observation cell. Three dead guards.”

Alec tightens his fists, remembering just in time to let go of Izzy first. He doesn’t feel his nails digging into his palms. He doesn’t feel his phone buzzing in his pocket with the Institute-wide alert. He doesn’t feel.

It’s a good thing.

“Izzy, go find Jace,” he orders. “Underhill, I need a full sweep. Where’s Jens?”

Underhill points to the Ops table, beside which Jens is talking on the phone. Izzy shakes herself – she’s no stranger to obeying orders, either – and she jogs away. Alec doesn’t bother tracking where she’s going. He knows he’s operating on limited bandwidth, limited energy. He has to rely on his subordinates.

“I’ve informed the Clave,” Jens says over the noise of the ops center as soon as he hangs up his phone.

Alec walks up to him, Underhill on his heels.

“Sir,” Underhill starts, agitated. “Won’t they—”

“They will, but we can’t do without it now,” Alec says. “I assume they’re reinstating the kill order?”

“Yes,” Jens confirms. “We have orders to put all our available teams on it, and they will send additional ones in the morning.”

Alec places his hands flat on the edge of the table, and takes strength from the pressure for a second. “Brief the teams. Capture, don’t kill. I’ll handle the Clave.”

Underhill nods at his dismissal and walks away, but Jens lingers. Alec grits his teeth. There’s so much to do, and so little time to do it, and he can’t let go now.

“Alec, is everything alright?” Jens asks – not softly, not exactly, but he can see what no one else notices. He’s known Alec forever. He’s known Alec better than his own siblings for years.

“I can’t do this now,” Alec responds honestly. He can barely make himself speak out loud.

“The Clave is handled for now,” Jens answers. He’s switching almost automatically to trying to relieve Alec of as many duties as possible, like well-oiled machinery. He knows exactly when to push Alec, and when to hold back. He knows that Alec can’t handle more pressure now. “They’ll call if they need more intel. Paperwork can wait.”

“Maybe it shouldn’t,” Alec says. Maybe he won’t be able to handle it later.

“It will,” Jens asserts. “Go to your siblings. I can hold the fort.”

Alec sighs. He can’t slip now. He nods at Jens and grips the edges of the table tighter.

Jace, Izzy and Simon, his presence almost incongruous, stride up on the catwalk at that moment. “Alec!”

Alec moves like he’s in a sea of treacle. Every muscle in his body is tenser than a guitar string. It must be visible, because Izzy gives him a look of concern. Or maybe she suspects what he abandoned them for.

Fuck. He was supposed to be there with them. If he had been, maybe—

It almost makes him crumble. He stumbles, just barely, and pulls his control back tighter. They have a whole conversation around him about the Clave’s orders and the Heavenly Fire serum, and Alec is sure that he participates in some way, but he would be hard-pressed to say how.

He’s entirely unsure of what happens for the rest of the night. Or the next day. He doesn’t have a single second to himself to reflect on things, and it’s good. He’s fairly sure that he allows Jace desperate measures that he would have never signed on otherwise, but, well, Jace needs to get Clary back. One of them needs to end this with their heart intact.

There’s one moment, during the day, when Jace asks about Magnus. Alec nearly crumples just at hearing his name. “Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to.” He hears the words coming out of his mouth like he’s far away, in another world, another universe. There’s a version of him that enunciates them, and Alec has lost track which. Alec the Clave soldier doesn’t have room for any of that. And he’s closed the door on any other part of him.

He falters for one moment, and as soon as Jace leaves his office, he activates half the runes on his body, just to anchor himself on the rush of energy. Stamina. He hasn’t slept in almost three days. Strength. His body feels like jelly. Calm Anger. It pushes everything back down.

And if he abuses them, well, no one else needs to know.

*

He’s sitting on his bed when his siblings find him. It must have been, what, six hours since Jace was thrown back through a portal into the Institute? He’s frozen, afraid that if he moves an inch, he’ll shatter into pieces.

He hasn’t moved for hours. He’s sitting with his back perfectly straight, his feet flat on the ground, still fully dressed in patrol gear, long past the time when the position should have become uncomfortable – but he can’t even feel it. His hands are clasped together, too tight, his knuckles white with the effort. Stuck.

He doesn’t move when Izzy and Jace knock, and at his lack of answer, they slip inside. He can’t look up at them, he can’t react. He clenches his jaw hard and tries not to fall apart.

“Alec,” Izzy calls quietly, passing through his field of vision. She disappears briefly and reappears kneeling beside him, just shy of touching him. Alec wants to jerk out of the way, but his body doesn’t obey.

“Alec, you’re feeling really awful, buddy,” Jace says, crouching on the other side.

Alec breathes carefully, evenly, as he has for hours, until there’s a hitch. His breathing goes out of sync with his brain, with his locked down body, and it crumbles. He falls apart.

He crumples in on himself, chin reaching his knees as he curls up, gasping. He digs his thumbs into his forehead and, when that doesn’t work, he stuffs his fingers into his mouth and bites down hard. He slips off the bed and falls onto the floor, and the pain of hitting his back against the bed frame doesn’t even register as he starts to rock back and forth.

“Alec!” Izzy reacts. But she doesn’t try to touch him. She knows if won’t go over well.

Jace doesn’t have the same compulsion, not when Alec’s fingers are still in his mouth and he’s tasting iron. Blood. “Alec, you have to stop,” he tries. He approaches his hand to pull on Alec’s forearm, but as soon as their skins touch, Alec lets out a strangled cry and backs away, into the bed frame, then brutally onto the bed, until he’s backed up against the headboard.

Fuck. The urge to hit his head to dull the agony is irresistible, and it makes a thud as pain erupts under his scalp. He hears, vaguely, his siblings trying to stop him verbally, but nothing is coming through anymore. He screams silently, mouth open in agony, as his head hits the wall again and again.

“Alec.” Izzy is crying now. Alec thinks distantly that she’s never seen him this bad, not since they were little kids and she didn’t have to handle him. He’s long learned to hide his meltdowns, to shutdown instead, like he’s done for most of today – yesterday. Dissociate until there’s nothing left of him.

This time, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough, because nothing is enough.

He’s been able to stay numb for twenty-eight hours, since he closed the door of his mother’s shop and left Magnus inside. He’s been—

Magnus.

Fuck.

He pulls at his hair, hard enough to uproot it. Nothing is enough. His skin is too tight for the pain bubbling inside of him, and he’s exploding, losing all control. He’s a giant knot, muscles taut and burning from staying so tense all day, runes overworked and overloaded.

His eyes stay dry, even as he craves the relief of crying. “Alec,” someone murmurs – he doesn’t know who anymore. “Shhhhh. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. There’s no such thing as okay, now, not without—

His chest feels like a hole has been punched through it, and it’s been filled with self-expanding foam. He sobs without a noise, his shoulders shaking and his whole body trembling.

Suddenly, there’s a warm body against him, and for a moment, Alec is about to throw it off, to react violently against the unbearable touch. He resists, but the arms around him tighten until it almost smothers him — paradoxically, that calms him down. Jace holds him and rocks with him and slowly, very slowly, Alec settles.

The tears don’t come until Izzy’s smaller hands reach him, first checking him for injuries, then soothing him, running over his shoulders and his neck, always strong and tight. Alec hiccups and almost throws up, but he hasn’t eaten in too long. He dry heaves instead, coughing without breathing, gasping until his eyes water and finally he’s sobbing fully.

He hears Jace’s voice in between painful hiccups. “Izzy told me what happened. How do we help?”

Alec shakes his head when he’s finally parsed the sentence, probably too late for it to make sense. There’s nothing they can do, and Alec has no words in him to tell them. It’s over. Magnus is gone. Gone from his life, forever.

The sobs redouble, and Alec heaves over the arm holding him up, probably Jace’s. His chest is on fire, but it feels right. It should hurt. It should be so painful as to be unbearable, because that’s what it feels like inside.

There’s already a Magnus-shaped hole inside him, and it’s only going to grow deeper and larger. Alec wonders, vaguely, how long he has until it swallows him whole.

*

It feels like hours before his sobs subside, leaving him breathless and listless, like a puppet whose strings have been cut. Alec gradually slides down until he’s curled up on his side on the bed, his head on the pillow Magnus slept on just two days ago.

Jace and Izzy move with him, refusing to let him go. They scoot over until they’re framing him, Jace curled against his back and Izzy in front of him, one hand cupping his wrist. Alec lets himself soak up their warmth as he starts shivering.

He doesn’t stop crying in one go. He keeps seeing flashes of Magnus, and it only takes a half-formed thought to start again, the sobs wracking his body. It’s less violent every time, though, and after a while it only extracts a pitiful hiccup from him, his tears long dried out. Jace and Izzy keep holding him silently, though Alec can feel the looks they exchange over his shoulder.

“Alec,” Jace murmurs after a long time. “Was there really no other way?”

Alec struggles to focus his gaze on something – Izzy’s hand on his wrist, in this case – and he wets his lips several times without managing to speak. He shakes his head.

“It’s okay if you can’t speak right now,” Izzy whispers. “We’re here for you.”

Alec nods gratefully. She’s only recently learned to do this, to recognize when he’s struggling to form words. None of his family ever caught on – his siblings used to laugh at him, when he struggled with seemingly simple things. His parents would shake him and force him to hide it.

Magnus was the first one to understand.

Magnus was the first one to see Alec. The first one to love him for who he is, and not for the image of Alec he had in his mind. And Alec ruined it, over and over. He betrayed Magnus and let him suffer because of his actions.

He brought Magnus nothing but pain.

He tastes ashes. His mouth feels dry, parched by a thirst that will never be quenched again. He hurts all over from tensing so much, but it feels like a too small punishment for his sins.

“I can’t,” he starts, forcing the words out over the knot in his throat. “I can’t imagine living without him.”

It opens up yet another avenue of thoughts, that he’s pushed away until now. All his plans for the future include Magnus. There is no Alec without Magnus, not in his head. He’s dreamed so often about marrying him, recently, about seeing the Lightwood ring on Magnus’ hand and moving in together and—

What is he going to do now?

He can’t stop seeing Magnus’ face as he left the shop, the desperation in his eyes. Did he really do the right thing? Magnus has lost so much recently—

But that’s exactly why Alec did it. Magnus has lost too much. His magic is an intrinsic part of himself, something he can’t just do without, even if it took Alec too much time to understand. His immortality is a part of him. Alec… Alec is just a lover. One more lover in a long string of them.

Magnus has had many relationships, and he’s lost them all eventually, and he lived through it. But this, losing his magic? He was ready to risk dying from Lorenzo’s transfusion, just to be able to use this second-hand, wrong magic. Even Alec could see how weird the yellow magic was in Magnus’ hands, how sickening, but Magnus latched onto it like it was more important than breathing.

No, Magnus can replace Alec in a way he can never replace his magic. As bad as Alec feels for hurting him on the short term, it’s the only decision he could make.

From the moment the idea of going to Asmodeus went through his brain, he knew that he couldn’t live with himself unless he tried everything. He wishes, selfishly, that he’d never thought of it. He’d be holding Magnus right now in this bed, instead of lying heartbroken between his siblings.

It wouldn’t hurt like this.

“You can do this, Alec,” Izzy says softly, but even Alec can tell that she doesn’t fully believe it. “I know you can. We’ve just gotta take it one step at a time.”

“That one of your mundane group things?” Jace asks when Alec doesn’t react.

He doesn’t know how to react. He can’t think of tomorrow, of next week, of any time without Magnus. One step at a time implies that he even wants to go on.

He’s not sure he does.

“Yeah,” Izzy mutters. “It helps. Sometimes.”

Alec wonders if this is what Jace felt when they thought that Clary was dead. What he feels right now when Clary is out there somewhere, brainwashed by Jonathan. Alec can’t feel anything through the parabatai bond, not on top of his own pain.

He grits his teeth against the urge to hit his head again, just to overwhelm the emotional pain. His scalp is going to bruise as it is, unless he uses an iratze. His fingers are covered in teeth marks where he bit himself, some of them still bloody.

“You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there,” Magnus told him once, hand on his heart. Alec almost whimpers.

Oh, to go back there, to the beginning of them. The pain of that day, the overpowering guilt at Jocelyn’s death, feels so inconsequential now. So much has happened. They never had time to stop running, one thing after the other.

It’s been over two years, but Alec feels like he never had time to just breathe. Curl up with Magnus and just enjoy the moment. They always had to think about the next step, the best thing for their respective people, the next threat coming to rip them apart.

And now they’ll never have that time.

Alec jerks his hands out of Izzy’s grasp and he digs his nails into the skin of his scalp, pressing on his eyes with the heels of his palms. Fuck. He can’t do this. He can’t live with this pain.

Jace must sense his distress, because he slings his arm over Alec’s and holds him, so tightly that it’s nearly painful. It eases something in Alec, calming his crawling skin until he can relax just a little. “We’re here,” Jace murmurs in his ear. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“We can’t replace Magnus, but we’ll support you no matter what,” Izzy adds, slipping her arms around both of them. “We love you, Alec. That will never change.”

Alec closes his eyes.

It doesn’t make things better. It doesn’t make tomorrow any less daunting, and it doesn’t stop the excruciating pain. But it soothes something in Alec, making it just a little less unbearable.

His body exhausted beyond its limits, Alec finally falls asleep.

[snarkwriteswrasslin]

alpha - drew m / roman r. [m]

Note:

Okay, so I’ve seen a few of these floating around now and then and I know that as a reader, I personally enjoyed the experience. And that little showdown between Roman and Drew really... Got to me and lives in my head rent free. My original idea for this was so much different than what this is going to shape up to be, but honestly, I feel like it works better this way. As much as I dislike even thinking Randy Orton’s name. Adding that particular variable into the mix made this a lot smoother than my original idea.

I’m actually really excited about this. It’s a choose your own smutty ending. I think the first person I saw trying this was @glowrioustrash​ and it was last year, for Halloween, I think? I enjoyed reading that, so I kinda wanted to try my own hand at it then. I just never got around to it. I even asked them if it was okay if I did it, back then, I think? Anyway... Last night’s Smackdown just gave me ample inspo to FINALLY get off my ass and try it, and make it a part of my year-long smut one shot series. Bet ya’ll thought I completely forgot about those, huh? Well I didn’t. So... here we are.

This part is the beginning to both of the smutty parts I’m going to write for this, so it’ll be linked on either post and either post will be linked here, once I have them all done and posted on the blog.

LIFE EDIT: Eventually, loves... I’ll get around to posting the smutty conclusions to both men. When I do, those will be linked to this post.

Enjoy this teaser, hopefully?

HUGE SHOUTOUTS TO : @wrestlingismyguiltypleasure and @schizoauthoress​ (your suggestions and that helpful input at the end, ahhh.. i owe you my life)  as well as @wardl0w because I have probably bugged the living hell out of all three of them as I attempted this and they were seriously huge helps to me with this.

Characters / Pairings:

Drew McIntyre / Female!omega reader - version 1, coming soon

Roman Reigns / Female!omega reader - version 2, coming soon

Warnings:

This is an attempt at me, writing alpha/omega again. So there will be knotting, mate bite marks, etc. In addition to that, there will be smut in the second part of these, whichever man you guys choose. There’s also hints of unwanted confrontation between Orton and Reader to start this off with and it gets... handsy, ewwww. But I had to have a way to work in both guys and make it work, so.. here we are. There’s also gonna be swearing. If I need to issue any other warnings those will be on the follow up posts.

Tagging:

@kyleoreillysknee​ @rampagewriting​ @writertoo18​ @thatnerdwriter​ @wrestlingismyguiltypleasure​ @chasingeverybreakingwave​ @waywardwrestlewritingwaif​ @sassymox​ @champbucks​ @hungmanhorsecarriage​ @wardl0w​ @ryantaylorgirl​ @dilfmoxley​ @hotyeehawman​ @darbysallin​ @gabbynorth98​ @bec0m​

@linziland13​ @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch​ 

Other Stuff:

[ about my writing - masterlist - tag list doc ]

[ Roman ] or [ Drew ]

The scent was absolutely intoxicating. So understandably, when it filled my nose for the fourth time that night, I found myself standing. Making my way out into the hallway. Shoving people out of my way. Now, I wasn’t running or anything, because my grandma always told me it’s better to be chased than do the chasing but… I was power-walking.

And, as per usual, not paying a lick of attention to where I was going or my surroundings. I was solely focused on this mysterious scent because deep down inside, I knew exactly where it was going to lead me and damn it, I might put up one hell of a show about being independent, but heat cycles are hell and yeah, maybe I get lonely as of late. Maybe I’ve been longing to find my Alpha. Maybe I want the comfort of knowing that I’m not doomed to be forever alone and I do have a mate out there, somewhere...

It hit me then, around the same time that my thighs absolutely flooded with slick and I started to feel all woozy. I hadn’t taken suppressants. In fact, I had somehow managed to completely forget about my heat cycle’s speedy approach.

I mean, between moving and getting called up to the main roster, life has been a whirlwind for me lately. And tonight I hadn’t taken them before I came to the arena because I was excited. Tonight was my first night on the main roster. And in the excitement of that, I’d forgotten my suppressants… again.

To be fair, I haven’t ever really adhered to taking them steadily to begin with, so there you go...I never really had anyone constantly riding me to do so growing up. I was mostly left to my own devices, free to do what I wanted and make my own choices. So, yeah, this isn’t my first rodeo with a surprise heat cycle.

I shoved all the thoughts out of my noisy mind, pausing my walk to attempt focusing. Centering myself so that I could really fix on the scent and the direction it came from. And in my distraction, that gave Orton the perfect opportunity to slither up and corner me before I even had a chance to properly respond.

“Doll.”

“I have a name, you prick.” I rolled my eyes as I shrank away, nose wrinkling at the oversaturation of his scent as it invaded my nose and momentarily drowned out that heavenly aroma I’d been attempting to follow before I got distracted like a dumb bitch.

He chuckled, putting himself closer to me. Leaning down a little. And the audacity of this fucking man, he even had the nerve to reach up and move my hair away from my neck, his nose burying there as a lewd growl rose up from the depths of his chest.

I shoved at him and cleared my throat. “I was kind of in a hurry, do you mind knocking it the fuck off, jackass? Go sniff someone else, ew.”

“C’mon now, hon… You know what’s happening to you. You know you need me.”

“Like I need a bullet wound to the head, Orton. Fuck off.” I tried to duck beneath his arm but his other hand caught on my hip, keeping me pinned between him and the wall. By now, the scent of him was so overpowering and gross that my stomach was lurching. My consolation thought as I began to panic a little and tried to think of a quick way out of this confrontation was that maybe if I just threw up on the asshole, he’d get away.

Somehow, I didn’t see that happening. Orton doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who picks up on cues, verbal or non-verbal. Likes to assert that dominance he fancies himself to have.

He chuckled again.

Then suddenly, the scent was back and it was overpowering his stench. ,, Thank God.” I thought to myself, daring to mutter the words under my breath. I found myself peering over Randy’s shoulder, waiting on whoever the intoxicating scent I’d been following originally to show themselves.

And when he stepped out behind Randy and into view… If I thought I was wet before, whew… I was absolutely flooded beyond all hope now. I swallowed hard, biting my lip, locking eyes with him. Randy seemed to realize that my attention was wandering and this of course, only made him up his game.

His hips brushed boldly against mine and I cringed, pretending to gag when I felt the way Orton strained at his trunks. At the moment, Randy was completely and blissfully unaware as to what fate awaited him if he were stupid enough to turn around and honestly?

I’m enough of a bitch that I was hell bent on not alerting Randy to it, either. Instead, I took a few shaky breaths and stared up at him defiantly. “Why do I need you, Orton? They make vibrators bigger than that fun sized Tootsie Roll I’ve heard you’re packing every day of the week. I don’t need you. Or anyone.”

I knew that part was a lie because as all this was going on, my body was in a literal frenzy at the sight of my Alpha. My skin was tight, I could barely breathe. I was doing good to think straight and form words, honestly. I was a split second away from being overwhelmed. Because thanks to my Alpha showing themselves, my heat cycle went from a mild annoyance to almost intolerable within a split second.

I needed to get away from Randy. I needed to get somewhere and calm down. But I wanted to stay exactly where I was, curious to see if my Alpha was here for the reason I’d ventured out of hair and makeup in the first place.

So far, all he was doing was standing there. Watching my little confrontation with Randy. The tension in his body quickly gave away his feelings on the matter, however. And that’s what kept me quiet. Allowed me to let Randy keep digging his own damn grave.

Because it amused me.

And I needed to know that my Alpha was actually a good Alpha. I needed to know he’d protect me, no matter what. I also needed to know that he knew when to fuck off and allow me to handle things on my own.

I wanted to test his boundaries too, if I’m being perfectly honest.

Randy bit his lip, staring down at me as if I were food and he was a starving man. He raised a hand and rubbed his chin in thought, eyes not leaving mine for a second. “Why do you need me? Well, it’s like this, doll. I want you. And you’re not in the mindset right now to turn down any Alpha who offers himself up, just goin off of that sweet little scent you’ve got yourself right now. Just drop the act, princess. You and I both know that if you don’t find an Alpha, things are going to get real messy back here. Real fast. And I don’t think you want that now, do you hon?”

,, what I want is for you to back the fuck away. Find a tube of toothpaste or some cologne or a shower, something… anything to rid yourself of the stench you’ve got yourself.” the thought came but I was treading carefully, so I kept it internal, choosing only to give a soft laugh and roll my eyes at Randy instead.

“You know exactly zilch about me and my ‘delicate state’, first of all. Secondly? I wouldn’t choose you for my Alpha if you were the last one on earth.” I managed to get the words out. I managed to keep my eyes off of my actual Alpha, who still stood by watching intently, fists clenched tight now.

When he gave a quiet growl and started to approach, the flood in my panties only got so much worse.

And naturally, Randy thought this meant that something he’d said was getting through and that I was just playing hard to get… He pressed me against him, a hand going to my cheek as he gave a smug grin and let his gaze settle on me thoughtfully. “I knew it.”

“Like I said, Randy, you really don’t have a single fucking clue.” I tried to squirm free from his grasp but the fever raging in my body and the overwhelming scent of my true Alpha as he grew angrier and angrier combined with the slightest panic I was feeling at being fucking cornered like an animal by Orton, those were all working against me and I couldn’t extract myself.

His answer was to smirk and chuckle again. “You realize I can scent you and I know exactly what’s on your mind right now, right?”

“Good, then you know I want to stab you in the eyeball with my stiletto. Or reach down, grab that little shrimp dick of yours and twist til it comes off in my hands?” I quipped, a sweet smirk on my face as I boldly met his gaze. When I picked up on him, slowly inching his face closer to mine, I swallowed hard. It felt as if my throat were closing up and it was quickly becoming clear to me that if I thought I had this under control, I really didn’t. Randy wasn’t going to stop or go away. And he wasn’t going to let me get away either.

Desperately, I found my gaze shifting over Randy’s shoulder. I locked eyes with my Alpha and mouthed, “Any day now?…” almost impatiently. I wanted Randy the entire fuck away from me. And I was really starting to realize that I couldn’t achieve that on my own. I was fully in over my head.

Typical of me, I’m afraid.

I have to admit, the fact that my Alpha had yet to actually do anything had me in an internal uproar. It had me thinking that maybe I’d gotten the wrong read on him when I watched an earlier promo in the night.

Before I had a chance to consider it fully, that my Alpha might not be a good guy either, two things happened. One, Randy’s hand left my cheek and his mouth closed in even more, rough lips almost about to brush mine and disgusting stench for a moment blocking out the scent of my Alpha. His hand settled on my hip and he was pulling me against him. 

I planted a hand firmly against his chest, palm down. “What the--?” I didn’t even get to finish my sentence because from behind Randy, my Alpha’s throat cleared.

Randy grumbled to himself, picking up on the presence of my Alpha. But it was too late.

My Alpha locked eyes with me and nodded, indicating that I needed to move now, while Randy was distracted, and trust me, I wasted absolutely no time doing that. I extracted myself from between Randy and the wall I’d had my back pressed against and not even a split second later, my Alpha’s fist went smashing into Randy’s face and he had him pinned against the wall, a forearm across his throat.

And I didn’t think, I just ran.

I ran until I was out in the parking garage and then I stopped, catching my breath. It passed through my mind that maybe I should go back inside and at least attempt to be there when the brawl taking place in the hallway was over, but honestly?

I needed to get myself together. To get calm. To process and catch my breath and try to puzzle everything out.

And yeah, maybe parts of me were curious. Wondering if my Alpha would seek me out, or whether the incident in the hallway was just him stepping in because I asked…

The door to the garage flew open a few feet away and I rose up slightly, eyes darting around. The scent of my Alpha filled my senses and I bit my lip, taking a few shaky breaths right as he started to call my name. I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came. His footsteps were getting closer and closer.

My heart was racing and his scent hung heavily in the air around us, making me dizzy as the heat took over in my body. He touched me, and almost the instant I felt his hand on my shoulder, I could feel my body cooling down. This wave of relief washed over me and all I could think was that if this is what his touch felt like, I’d absolutely love more of it.

I inhaled deep, preparing myself to turn around…

[ roman ] [ drew ]

[0ciestiel0]

Buddie Appreciation

((After the episode Fools I think will update this weekly now because who knows where they are ultimately going with Buddie))

((Also including two of my newest edits))

Now, Welcome to my Ted Talk:

So obviously Buck and Eddie are close. Buck calls him his best friend in Searchers.

They didn’t start out that way, however.

Buck was jealous of Eddie. Not just because he was a new hot guy who was in his turf and he felt threatened with that whole hot firefighter calendar but of how easily the team accepted Eddie into their ranks. Buck had to fight and earn a place and respect but Eddie just walked in and had it. It stung and you could see it in Bucks facial expressions and overall attitude.

However, that animosity quickly subsided the minute he and Eddie share an intense call. He sees that Eddie has experience and skill. Eddie offers him to have his back and Buck offers the same. But Eddie acknowledges Buck’s skill. He tells him he’s good under pressure. He offers verbal praise which I think is something Buck kinda craves. He seems to need that verbal validation. He must not have had that unconditional love growing up, at least from his parents and Maddie left for school and then got married and had her own set of problems. But Eddie gave that validation. That was a very quick progression to friends but not necessarily unreasonable given Buck’s personality.

They slowly bond over their time being partnered in the field. Buck spends the most time with Chris out of anyone else on the team. Buck helps Eddie out, giving him rides, going to see Santa, getting Eddie Carla, and who knows what else we haven’t seen. The lady elf even thought they were a couple and Chris was their son. Buck obviously cares about Chris. He loves spending time with him. When Eddie brings him to the station Buck was already informing Bobby and getting the necessary permissions. And he was Playing with him on the fire pole with Eddie. Maddie even picks up on their closeness by teasing him about having boy-crush on Eddie.

Eddie talked to Buck about his relationship with Shannon. Buck was the one to take Eddie to the school to make sure Chris was ok and to pick him up, after the earthquake.

There was a lot of this trust built up and then Eddie emphasizes it when he drops Chris off with Buck before the tsunami. He drops by Bucks unannounced, clearly having a key to his place. Like it’s normal for Eddie to just show up without warning. I bet only Maddie would have a key besides Eddie. He gets Buck out of bed, not caring about his personal space. He says Chris is spending time with His Buck today. He’s Chris’s Buck. And maybe Eddie’s too. We don’t really know Eddie’s full meaning behind those words. We’ve never seen Eddie leave Chris with anyone but his family or Carla prior to this. He has a very overprotective nature with Chris. He wouldn’t even trust Shannon with him when she first came back.

And with Shannon is the first time we see Eddie get kind of angry at all. This is important for later. Chris has been the only thing that Eddie expresses lots of emotion for, aside from from his anger at Shannon which is still about Chris.

Then we have the tsunami episodes. And Eddie was happy to show everyone the selfies Buck was sending. He didn’t even seem worried that Buck and Chris were out that day. He likely assumed they were at the movies but still. He trusted Buck. And after Cap said that Buck still has them even if he doesn’t know it Eddie has that look of like ohhhhhh. And boom. Christopher basically becomes Bucks therapy.

And after. That scene at the end of Searchers. Where Eddie tells Buck there’s no one is this world he trusts more with his son than Buck, that’s intense. That’s meaningful. Parents just don’t say that to anyone, friends included. He also said Buck loved Christopher enough to never stop trying. Also an important thing to note. And Buck needed to hear that. Buck needs verbal affirmations it seems. He needs to hear that Eddie and Chris are still going to be a part of his life. That Eddie doesn’t hate him. That Chris doesn’t hate him.

Now to this whole lawsuit non-sense. After the tsunami Buck was cut off from his team. Even Eddie and Chris it seemed. Chris was having nightmares but Eddie didn’t go to Buck for it. It didn’t seem like anyone came around Buck much. And then he comes to find out Lena has taken his locker, his place as Eddie’s field partner. They taped over his name. Eddie is clearly spending time with her. It was all too much for Buck after the loss of no one coming around and he did something stupid. He filed the lawsuit. All he wanted was to get back with his 118 family. Including Eddie and Chris. I think the thought of losing Eddie as his best friend hurt him the most. He didn’t mean to cut of ties with Chris. He never wanted to hurt his family, especially Chris. He just wanted to feel like he belonged again. Like he hadn’t lost his family.

But he did act rashly. And Eddie took his rash decisions the hardest. Which came out at the grocery store. His whole speech was I couldn’t call you. I couldn’t reach out to you. It may have started with Chris misses you but it led to I need you why didn’t you consider that. It also made clear how much Buck means to Eddie. How much Eddie considers Buck a parental figure to Chris. The only other time Eddie got emotional was with Shannon. He felt betrayed when she left. When she left Chris. And it seems like Eddie had very similar feelings here. Like he and Buck had built this relationship and that relationship included Chris and then Buck just up and leaves. It’s like he stopped trying. If he loved Chris so much why would he have done this. To Eddie that felt like a Shannon betrayal all over again and he snapped. Which makes his grocery store outburst make so much more sense. And I think Chim was clearly picking up on just how intense this outburst from Eddie really was.

And It wasn’t just that he couldn’t talk to Buck either but that was certainly part of it. Buck was obviously Eddie’s first choice to bail him out of jail. He said to Lena he couldn’t call the team, he couldn’t call Buck. He separated Buck from the team. Like Buck was more to him than just a colleague or work friend. That he can trust Buck when he can’t trust anyone else. Buck obviously means a lot to Eddie. He even looked ready to deck Buck before the car accident in the parking lot happened. And what happens next? Eddie goes and does illegal street fighting. And Buck? He looked crushed when he heard that Eddie and Chris are hurting. I bet that’s exactly why he gave up on the lawsuit. He didn’t want millions. He wanted his family. He was wondering where Eddie was at the rage room. Just wait until Buck finds out about that. I have a feeling he will be the one to pull Eddie back from this spiral that he’s on.

Updates:

First thing I’d like to add into this is how the directors/writers add in these very…romantic tropey things with Buck and Eddie. Like how they set up shots for example. During Eddie’s ceremony when he’s finally like not a probationary firefighter and Chris is walking his helmet up the aisle and they have in frame: Eddie’s Abuela, Christopher coming up the middle, and Buck. And let’s take a min to look at Buck’s face as he sees Chris walking to his dad. It’s the face you’d expect a proud mom to have. But anyway. The fact they put Buck and Eddie’s Abuela in the same shot like that seems intentional and seems meaningful. Because Chris and his Abuela are two very important people to Eddie. And they have now included Buck into that moment. Giving us the impression Buck is as important to Eddie as his son (well almost, No One will be more important than Chris to Eddie but you know what I mean) and his Abuela.

Also, During Buck’s welcome back party we see Cap push Eddie, who was looking already ready to pounce, right to Buck to get the first hug. Everyone else waits while Eddie gets to greet his best friend first. And give him a very not bro-like hug. This kind of setup is also something we normally see with romantic partners. The love interest being the first to greet or hug or whatever.

Then we have that shot when Buck finally confronts Eddie for ghosting him when he comes back to the station. When they are standing apart Buck to the left Eddie to the right. It’s a very couple dynamic cinematography. Then after all is said and done, Eddie is still lying to Buck. He won’t meet Buck’s eyes. Like he knows if he makes eye contact Buck will push to find out what Eddie’s been secretly up to. And he knows he’d probably tell him. He tends to do that with Buck. He didn’t exactly want to talk about his relationship with Shannon when they took Chris to see Santa but it happened anyway. He talks to Buck. And Eddie currently doesn’t want to talk.

Next we have Buck and Eddie having dinner together at Bucks place with Christopher. We never see Eddie having dinner or hanging out like that with the other fire fam. Maybe as a group sometimes but never alone. And Eddie, once again, seems perfectly comfortable in Bucks place. we’ve seen he has a key when he showed up to get Buck out of bed pre-tsunami. And now we see him taking plates to the sink like he’s done that a million times before. He didn’t need to ask Buck what he wanted him to do.

And then we have that conversation in the kitchen. While Eddie does seem to have forgiven Buck, for real this time, Buck can’t seem to forgive himself. He apologizes for like the hundredth time. And Eddie is honestly shocked. He thought Buck knew things were good. But to Buck things weren’t. He still felt awful. He never meant to hurt his basically family like that. I think this is an interesting parallel here back to Shannon. She wanted Eddie to forgive her but she never really apologized. Not really. Eddie said he CAN forgive her. But wasn’t sure if he could trust her. He said he forgave Buck. No can, no maybe words. I think a lot of that has to do with their approach’s. Buck went out of his way to show Eddie he was sorry. He verbally said it multiple times. Eddie saw his remorse. He saw how much Buck was hurting just by the thought of hurting him and Christopher. That’s why Eddie thought they were past it. And why Buck didn’t. Buck seems pretty insecure with the people in his life. Like if they don’t tell him straight out what’s up he will worry. I don’t think Eddie’s the only one who feels like he’s not enough. I think Bucks love language thingy would be words of affirmation. He needed to hear Eddie tell him they were past it. To see Eddie really had forgiven him. And once they do get past it they are back to their weird flirty but not flirty thing they do. ([i](I mean did we all see Buck saunter over to Eddie with hands on his belt telling him he could take him?? Like that was a flirty way to say that, Buck))

And I think it says a lot that Eddie says his kind of therapy is just being with Buck and Chris. Buck does seem to be a grounding point for Eddie. Saying that out loud to Buck I think was important too because like I mentioned above Buck needs to hear things. Hearing that tells Buck that Eddie loves spending time with him. With his son. Basically like it’s his ideal day. It makes him happy.

And then we have the Christmas episode. Eddie invites Hen and Denny over to build gingerbread houses with Chris. But he also invites Buck. Hen points that out. All three of the boys. Buck, Chris, and Denny. Eddie knows how much Buck means to Chris. But I also think on some level he’s moral support for Eddie since he just told Hen that Chris was mad at him or upset really because he had to work on Christmas. And then Chris asks, His Buck, if he can spend Christmas with him. Like if he can’t have his dad he can have his Buck. Which is saying something right there. He knew he was going to be with his Abuela and his aunt but he still asked Buck. Buck obviously has a special place in Chris’s life for him to feel that way. To ask that kind of question knowing the alternative choice. But of course they both work and Eddie and Buck look heartbroken when Buck has to tell that to Chris. Let’s not overlook the face Eddie makes when he watches them make the gingerbread houses. Eddie looks so…happy when he looks over to Buck helping the kids. He doesn’t really look at other people that way.

Then at the station during the dinner, Buck is sitting next to Chris. Or more like Chris gets to sit next to both his dad and his Buck. They group Buck with the Diaz family a lot during this part. When Buck gives Chris his gift, it’s Chris, Buck, Eddie, and his Abuela off to the side. During dinner they sit like a family. During the fire fam photo Buck stands next to Eddie and the Diaz clan. When they return to the station to find all their family there the look on Bucks face is pure joy as he sees Eddie see Chris. And as he watched Eddie rush to Chris. Buck to doesn’t really make that face for other people. He made a similar face when Chris walked Eddie’s helmet up to Eddie after his probation status was up.

The writers and directors are intentionally making Buck look like part of Eddie’s family. They started this in season two but it’s increased since then. The way they film the shots, the way they write the dialogue, and the way the actors act the parts all add up to a very romantic/family centered relationship.

It makes me wonder how much is implied off screen between Buck and Eddie. Like how much time does Buck really spend with the two, how much co-parenting are we not seeing. Because Chris isn’t attached to anyone else from the fire fam like he is Buck. It must mean Buck spends quite a bit of time with them. Kids don’t just get attached like that otherwise.

Episode 11 of season 3. So they start off giving us an odd look between Buck and Eddie on being asked if they are single. Was that necessary? Why did they look at each other? Are they setting up a not single scenario? In all honesty I feel like it’s too late to give us a love interest for either of them this far into a season for it to be a serious love interest.

Then we have Maddie scolding Buck for not bringing a gift to Eddie’s house. He didn’t need Maddie to “save him from himself”. Buck knows when to bring gifts, he’s done so at least twice before. Like with Bobby and Athena’s Christmas thing he brought like wine and eggnog. So he didn’t bring a gift because he was being forgetful or rude he did it because he doesn’t feel like a guest in Eddie’s house. Because Eddie has made him feel this way. Eddie wants him to feel that way. So when he says this is Eddie’s house, he’s not really a guest, both he and Eddie mean that.

Eddie also gives Buck and Chris that really soft but huge smile he only gives them while Buck was playing with Chris on the couch with Albert. And Buck hovers next to Albert and Chris as everyone is getting dinner, like he needs to supervise.

Episode 12 of season 3. Now this episode was stressful for many Buddie shippers I’m sure. But we are not yet to the famous line of Dante “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”.

Yes, Eddie does flirt with that teacher. But Eddie is still human and the pretty girl kinda flirted with him. And sometimes there is a “mistake” relationship before the real romance happens. Many late season love interests don’t end up staying on tv shows. They are a stepping stone almost. If she does stay at all or more like if they continue to pursue this or if Eddie leaves it. Who knows where they were going with this, it could be a thing or it could end at flirting. Although I do fail to see how they could possibly build to something as good and developed with a new love interest as they have with Buck and Eddie. The foundation has basically been built for them already and they would literally have to start from the ground up with someone new to make this any sort of believable. Not just some nice, cute, woman thrown into either of their lives.

Eddie did apologize to her but some of the things she said make me wonder if they are hinting to Eddie’s future Buck feelings. Like her whole “There’s also some value in learning that… you don’t like horses.” Could that mean she picked up on something Eddie hasn’t? Or foreshadowing? Writers do dirty tricks like that. And I’d personally like to believe they wouldn’t set up Eddie with someone we the audience haven’t had anytime to get to know. He’s not that kind of guy from what we know. He’s had like one relationship. And even when he was separated (before she died) from Shannon he didn’t date?? So why would he just jump into something with this teacher whom we and he know nothing about??

Buck’s teasing Eddie while they got that woman unstuck from a window also seemed a little jealous maybe? Not to say he’s jealous Eddie has a date and he doesn’t but jealous he’s not the date even if Buck doesn’t totally realize that’s why he’s jealous. A stretch perhaps but why did he need to bring it up right then. Plus Eddie looked like “hey, I didn’t tell you that to mock me” kind of face. Like shocked Buck said that. And if Bobby’s face was anything to go by that was something he only had told Buck about because Bobby looked very shocked and confused, and clearly knew nothing of that situation Eddie had gotten himself in. Buck blurting that out seemed a little...out of place, is all I’m saying. Was he maybe a little relieved he may never talk to her again outside of school necessities? But Eddie apologizes anyway soo...

And we can’t forget about the poker game at Maddie’s and how Buck was not at all offended that he would get set up with a man but that his sister said she wouldn’t do that to Josh. Plus I think Buck isn’t really looking to date. I know he said all those things but since when has Buck ever had trouble getting a date if he wanted to. I was getting the vibe that Buck just isn’t actively looking. That he’s kind of ok with where he’s at right now.

We also can’t ignore how Eddie clearly vents to Buck. Not only about Chris but his terrible flirting and snippy behavior. And Buck also puts things into a better perspective for Eddie. He doesn’t just offer up some weak moral support, he offers actual constructive advice. He trusts Buck. Yes, that comes with being his best friend but when you pair that with all the other romantic subtext you get that close bond that Eddie likely isn’t going to get with someone else. (Cute English teacher I’m looking at you). And he also trusts Buck with Chris. He trusts Buck’s advice even though he’s not a parent himself. More than he trusts anyone else according to Eddie. And they are at Buck’s place. Alone. No Chris? That was clearly a hangout so Eddie could vent and talk out his feelings. Plus Buck uses baseball as a stepping stone for his point. He knows Eddie likes it. And they only just brought baseball up last episode. But we know Buck pays attention to small details. Did Buck actually read that book in the hospital? Or did he research people who were different but found ways to succeed before Eddie came over? Also, Eddie knew who the player was so he probably knew some of the details of his interesting story. But he let Buck explain.

And ok. When Eddie is talking to Chris he tells him things he told Buck in regards to Chris. He told his son to never stop trying. He told Buck he knows he loves Chris enough to never stop trying. He also tells Chris that next time he wants to try something they will try it together. And that just happens to also mean with Buck. That was likely Buck’s idea, just like with Carla, and Christmas. Buck doesn’t hesitate with Chris, if he can do something for him he’s going to get it done. He puts so much effort into being there for Chris, for making sure Chris is ok, he already loves Eddie’s son so much and the tsunami only bonded them more.

And the most heartwarming scene of the episode? Eddie and Buck surprising Chris with the special skateboard while Carla films the whole thing. They way Eddie and Buck look while they both spend time with Chris is just so domestic and comfortable and sweet. They feel like a family. They look like a family. They act like a family. Buck and Eddie are so in sync with each other. They only look at each other that way. Eddie’s flirty eyes are still different than the “heart” eyes he gives to Buck and his son. It’s a look so far that is exclusively reserved for them.

And the episode title, Fools, leaves a lot of questions too. The episode Eddie happens to flirt happens to be titled fools? The fools were not limited to the calls they received. Our fire fam is not immune.

The conclusion here?

Buck and Eddie definitely have an established relationship. Maybe it’s not romantic, at least yet (I can hope), but Buck has become a parental figure in Christopher’s life, regardless. And Eddie doesn’t let that happen with just anyone. And hell, they have more actual chemistry than most actual tv couples. I’m always a bit surprised when people say they don’t see how anyone could think Buck and Eddie should be a couple or how they look like a couple. You don’t have to ship them but saying you can’t even see why people do? Confuses me, Because they show is really hitting us hard with romantic tv tropes. However, if these tropes go nowhere and Buddie doesn’t develop, then this show is probably going to take the title for best queerbaiting show on network television.

And in all honesty I want Eddie to have someone who loves his son as much as he does because his son is his world. And who loves him too. And Buck already does that. And Chris loves Buck. And I want Buck to have that family that loves him because family is clearly something important to Buck and something he may not have had growing up. And he has that with Eddie and Chris. They could easily be each other’s happy. They made something wonderful, it didn’t just fall into their laps.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[musicanddancingthroughlife]

Shklance - Necromancer Pt2

Sorry about last week, guys, I totally got caught up with my husband’s family reunion, and then I meant to post on Monday, but I misread the requirements for two of my three term papers and got the page count off so they’re longer than I thought they would be and I’ve been freaking out about them all week. And I will continue to do that for this next week because f my life I guess. Just two more weeks of school (and then like half a week where I have just two finals), and then I’m done for summer break, so just know that I’m trying guys haha. But hey, if anyone wants some original stories, I’m editing those all week for class :P

So, I know that I post most of my series in parts, and someone has asked me about that, since my stories tend to time-skip a lot. I do apologize for that, my brain doesn’t like to give me the between to each stories, just little scenes from each, and since I actually write fanfic mostly so I can practice my writing, I don’t push too much for those between scenes. However, this is something I need to work on if I ever want to improve, so I’m working on a longer version of my demon au, if anyone wants to yell at me about that. Anyway, I’m still trying to explore the plot and world to this story, so I hope you guys enjoy this. EDIT: Here is part 1!!!!

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        “Come on, Lance, you have to admit that this is getting out hand!” Keith was yelling at him, but Lance knew better than to let it get to him. Oh, sure, it hurt, because it was definitely a reminder that Keith probably thought he was an idiot. Because let’s face it, he was an idiot. But Lance also knew that whatever anger Keith felt towards him, it was much stronger and directed towards Lotor, not him.

              The school’s only other necromancer had been making Lance’s life miserable ever since they started their classes. It was like it wasn’t enough that Lotor was better than Lance was at the magic itself, or that Professor Haggar definitely preferred Lotor to Lance, or that during all of their stupid dinners with Professor Zarkon (and really, how the hell did they always wind up having dinner with him, when Lance knew for a fact the other classes had dined with multiple teachers by this point) resulted in Lance being ignored on a good day, and verbally abused on a bad day. No, Lotor had resulted to using magics on Lance in the hallways and on the field. And Lance. Couldn’t. Catch. A Fucking. Break.

              Honestly, it was a wonder that Lance had lasted this long without anyone finding out.

              Well, anyone except for his stupidly observant roommates. And seriously? Fuck them.

              “Shut up, Keith, I get it, okay? We all know that I’m too weak and stupid to be able to defend myself against someone as talented and powerful as Lotor.”

              Keith snarled at Lance, lunging forward, but Shiro caught him by the back of his neck and kept him in place. Lance felt a brief surge of triumph and relief, even gratitude toward the older vampire, but then he turned his head to glare at Lance, too, and Lance realized that he was laying on the couch, only half dressed because the other two had insisted on “treating his wounds”, and he was exhausted. As a necromancer, Lance was able to suck up energy and use it as his own, but as is, he used up all of his own sucking up Lotor’s, and the entire endeavor had left him weak as a kitten.

              If Keith really wanted to attack him, he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop them.

              “How long?”

              Lance squirmed, wincing as it tugged on the slashes and cuts littering his entire upper body. Yeah, no, he wasn’t going anywhere.

              “Lance,” Shiro said again, “how long?”

              Lance remained silent, valiantly trying to keep quiet. Keith snarled again. “Don’t you get it, you idiot? This isn’t okay! We need to tell someone, which means you have to tell someone something. Even… even if it’s not us. Please.” It was the way Keith’s voice faded by the end of his sentence, as if the idea that Lance wouldn’t trust them with something like this was a very real fear that he had. It made Lance look up at him, curious as to why his friend sounded so emotional.

              Fuck. Was he crying? Lance was pretty sure those were tears shining in Keith’s eyes, and fuck, he wasn’t at all prepared for this. Shiro, maybe. Lance, definitely. But Keith? Keith never cried, what the hell was he supposed to do with that???

              Run away, obviously.

              “Look, you guys have been awesome. Seriously. I mean, I could’ve totally taken care of this mess,” he gestured down his body, gesturing at the ugly mess of bruises and cuts and trying to ignore the way Keith’s tears had slowed and both of the vampires were now glaring at him, “but your help is definitely appreciated. But I have class, you guys have class, we all need some sleep. So let’s try and get on that, yeah?” He swung his legs of the edge of the couch, satisfied that he had found a viable reason to cut this awkward and uncomfortable talk short.

              Yet the instant he swung his body around on the couch – hissing at the pain that lit up at the movement – he found himself blocked by Shiro’s body. He’d stepped forward, trapping Lance on the couch, bracketing him in with his legs. He was so close that Lance was forced to lean back on his hands, just to avoid getting a faceful. Leaning back wasn’t much better, though, as he found himself almost immediately trapped there by Keith, who was leaning over the back of the couch, presumably to make sure Lance couldn’t scramble away from them.

              Like he could do anything of the sort with the way his body was aching. Seriously, fuck Lotor.

              “Lance.” At least Shiro was quieter than Keith. Even if the anger was still obvious. “You can’t keep doing this. We want to help you. Please let us help you.”

              Lance snorted, unable to help himself. “Like you guys could. Don’t you know what Haggar teaches us in those stupid classes of hers?” Shiro inched impossibly closer, even as Keith leaned down, placed his hands on Lance’s shoulders gingerly, but firmly enough that Lance was really started to feel surrounded by them.

              “There have only been rumors,” Shiro admitted, “but Lance, we don’t care. We just want to help you.”

              “Please,” Keith added.

              Lance looked at them, really looked at them. They were genuine, he knew, but would they still accept him after learning the truth? That Haggar had really been training himself and Lotor so they could overpower the other kinds of supernaturals, that she was determined to use them to create some kind of army so that they could take over the world (or something stupid like that, Lance honestly tried not to listen to her shit), that she had challenged both Lotor and Lance to use their new spells and abilities on their vampire roommates, and that’s how Lotor was so easily taken in by the rest of the vampires in the building while simultaneously turning them against Lance (and Shiro and Keith, but they tried not to show how much it bothered them. It didn’t work. Lance knew they were hurting)? Would they still want him around? Would they even still like him? Then again, this wasn’t working, either. So it was just a matter of time before they got sick of him and decided that he was too much work and not worth the effort.

              Well, in that case. Better sooner than later, right?

              “Some of the spells she teaches us are how to control the undead.”

              Keith blinked. “Like, zombies?”

              Lance gaped up at him. “Like vampires, you moron! She wants us both to use the spells she teaches us on our roommates – on you – in order to show how ‘committed’ we are to our education, and so she can decide if we’re ready to progress, and—”

              “You refused,” Shiro stated. “Shit, Lance, don’t tell me that some of this is from her?”

              Lance stared at him, completely confused. “How did you—”

              “Oh, come on, Lance,” Keith rolled his eyes, “obviously you haven’t done anything to us, and that’s actually not one of the worst rumors we’ve heard about Haggar, it’s not a far stretch to think she would stoop to actually abusing a student.”

              “And then Lotor would take this as confirmation that you were weak or something, and of course that would lead to more attacks.” Shiro sounded confident, as if this all made sense and was very logical. “So the only real question would be…”

              “How long?” Keith trapped Lance’s head in his hands, gently tilting him backwards on the couch, forcing Lance to look at him and nothing else. Thankfully, Shiro had stretched forward to support his back at this awkward arch, otherwise the new position would get very painful very fast. As is, it was just uncomfortable, great for encouraging him to answer quickly, if only to regain mobility. “Lance, how long have they been doing this to you?”

              Lance had to blink away tears at the concern and care he heard in Keith’s voice. Between Shiro’s body and Keith’s head, he couldn’t quite reach up to wipe the tears away, so they started to slowly slip down his cheeks.

              “I progressed a lot faster than Lotor did, at first, I promise.” Fuck, he was getting choked up. He heard Shiro make an encouraging noise.

              “Of course you did, you’re ten times smarter than that fucker.” Keith sounded vicious, and it made Lance chuckle, though it sounded entirely too watery to be believable.

              “It took Lotor all semester to get to that point, Haggar didn’t really teach it to him until a couple weeks ago.” A little over four months, since they were partway through the fifth now, and then they would have a month off before the next semester started. Now his tears were really coming. “I got there after two weeks.”

              There was a long silence. When he spoke, his voice sounded dangerous, and Lance was reminded again of Shiro’s own fierce protectiveness towards his friends.

              Towards Lance.

              “That witch has been doing this to you for 4 months?” he hissed viciously. Lance struggled to right himself, but Keith wouldn’t release him, and instead had taken to rubbing his forehead against Lance’s, even as his thumbs smoothed his tears away.

              “No, no!” he managed to sputter, panicked. “She just thought it was too difficult for me to really master! So she’s been teaching me other spells in the meantime, but once Lotor achieved that level and then started to use that same spell on his own roommates and then other vampires, too, she realized I’d just been stalling and told her I couldn’t do the spell.”

              Lance finally managed to get his hands where he needed to, and he pushed insistently at Keith’s head. He growled at the gesture, but eventually moved out of the way. Shiro moved, too, allowing Lance to push himself off the couch – ouch stupid ribs – and walk towards the hallway to his own bedroom. Today had been exhausting and all he wanted was the chance to have some time to himself.

              “Wait, why doesn’t Lotor just do the spell on us? If he’s done it to everyone else in the building?” Shiro wanted to know.

              “Seriously, you think I would let him do that to you? Nobody deserves that.” Lance’s tears were finally starting to stop, but he knew it was going to take him a while to relax. “Plus, so long as you two aren’t spelled, it’s obvious to Haggar that I’m still refusing to do as she asks.” He kept walking, until Keith interrupted him.

              “Lance, if you got there first, why have you been saying all semester that Lotor is better at magic than you are?”

              Lance paused on his way to his bedroom and sighed. Seriously, he was hurting and knew he was going to have to do all of this over again tomorrow, couldn’t they just let him sleep? But he gave in, turning his head just enough to show that he was answering them and said, “Because even from the start, he was willing to do whatever she asked. Did you really think that she would get her hands dirty hurting me, when he was perfectly happy to do it for her?”

              And with that, he headed to bed.

[artificialqueens]

Hold Still (Biadore) - Tanawrites

Summary - part of the Summer Lovin’ challenge for the prompt bathing suit. What might have happened if Bianca and Adore were paired up for the swimsuit challenge in season 6.

A/N - I’ve just done another rewatch of my absolute fav season of Drag Race (thanks corona for all the spare time I’ve had) and I’m just honestly obsessed with these two. I couldn’t help but be inspired by some of my favourite of their moments and the idea of them being friends early on!

-

“I want you to pair up with a queen who was not in your original group."  

Now it made sense to Roy the way the production team had carefully arranged them in the workroom that morning. A glance to either side of him was enough to confirm, the lineup was alternating the queens from the two groups and from the expecting grin on RuPaul’s face, it was intended to throw them off.

Some of the pairings made sounds of approval, a few air kisses exchanged and the clasp of hands.

He turned to his right and came face-to-face with one of the younger queens. Not his first choice but it wasn’t really Danny’s fault in particular. Roy was bound to be doubtful of any of the queens he hadn’t worked with yet - it was in his nature to question everybody until he saw for himself what they could do. Especially when his success was relying partly on them as well.

Responding to Danny’s exaggerated look of hesitancy as he stepped closer to affirm them as a team, Roy sideyed Danny. He looked him up and down once before turning back to listen to their rest of their instructions, figuring that would be enough for the cameras. He just hoped it would be used as a foreshadowing in the edit because their unlikely pairing had won them the challenge rather than the alternative.

“…combine bodies to create one lip syncing, bikini wearing bathing beauty.”

Despite Roy’s uncertainty about his partner, he was amused by the challenge. It sure as hell beat trying to look sexy with feathers stuck to Bianca’s lipstick. At least he could bring humour into this.

“Go!”

Once the initial rush of twelve grown men shoving and grabbing for their choice of swimwear, which was about as pleasant as it sounded, Roy took his findings back to his station.

He’d managed to snag a one-piece bathing suit and a sheer cover-up - neither of which he would have had in the suitcases he’d packed, hardly something Bianca would ever perform in. After rifling through one of his bags, he pulled out a floppy hat and large flower that he could pin on his front to hide the fact that he wouldn’t have time to fashion Bianca’s usual chest.

Quick drag was never something he chose to do  - not when he painted Bianca’s face the way he did or with how precise he liked his drag to be. Always tucked neat and tightly, Bianca’s curves cinched and padded to the now familiar figure, never a hair out of place or signature bold makeup smudged.

Before he got started on the transition into Bianca, his eyes sought out another’s from across the room. Once Danny met his gaze, Roy tilted his head slightly in invitation.

“So just based on first impressions, you don’t exactly strike me as a top, queen.”

Before his words could leave a sting, Roy was continuing, gesturing to Danny as he spoke now that he was standing in front of him.

“Plus, we can do a lot more with those legs than my stumps. Work for you?”

Danny nodded, seemingly either too startled or intimidated by Roy’s unquestionable authority to verbally respond. It wasn’t personal, nor intended to be rude on Roy’s behalf. He was used to a time crunch, not usually as pressing as this one but he was a hit the ground running kind of person to begin with.

It seemed though that Danny wasn’t totally acting for the cameras earlier if his current apprehension was anything to go off. Roy wasn’t heartless though, no one should be scared of him, so he dropped his voice a little and relaxed his position from where he had tensed from the urgency of the challenge.

“Great, do what you need to do and meet me back here so we can plan something out? It’s going to take the rest of these bitches that long just to get made up.”

“Party.”

Settling for a roll of his eyes and stubbornly denying the small tug at the corners of his lips at the response, Roy got to work as Danny left his station grinning. It was easier to work together if Danny wasn’t too busy tiptoeing around him, Roy told himself.

Just as Bianca pulled her bangs into the right position and secured them with a pin, Adore was sidling up to her chair, steeled with a new confidence.

“So, I have an idea.”

-

After Danny’s initial panic about working with Roy, the queen already having a reputation for reading their fellow competitors to filth, there came the panic of the challenge.

Adore barely tucked on a good day, let alone well enough to have her crotch on full display.

It was a partner challenge though and after Roy had taken the reins on their team, Danny knew there were expectations for him to meet for someone other than himself now. He only partially understood the reputation proceeding Bianca. She was sharp-tongued there was no doubt about it but who could blame a bitch for being blunt?

He’d approached Roy at Bianca’s station with a hint of hesitancy but walked away optimistic. More importantly, he walked away with a clear head.

Known for being eccentric and impulsive in his behaviour, Danny found it hard to stay focused. Determined, yes but organising all his creative thoughts was something he struggled with. Roy’s assertiveness had allowed Danny to direct his attention without any of the struggle.

Sharing a grin with Laganja in their shared work space, he ignored the way Laganja was trying to catch his gaze. It would no doubt be about his pairing, Laganja whispering in Adore’s ear just yesterday about how scary Bianca seemed after the warning snapped at Gia almost as soon as they’d met. Danny didn’t have the time right now though, almost able to hear seconds ticking away from them before they had to be ready.

Never one to be shy, Danny dropped his pants and reached for his rarely used tape and got to work. He could hear everyone else working in a fluster around him and usually, he would be the kind to be poking his head around and cracking jokes. It was their first challenge as a full group and he wanted to make an impression on Ru and the other queens.

Once he was tucked, tighter than he had been in a long time, he reached for the swimsuit. Danny had grabbed a bright matching bikini and pulled on the bottoms, making sure he looked as flat as he could down there. After a moment of hesitation, he grinned and put the top on as well, covering his flat chest and tugging a crop top on over the top. It wasn’t like anybody was going to see his top half during the challenge but it was very on brand for Adore.

Grateful he’d recently shaved his legs and painted his toes, he slipped his feet into strappy heels that he had to lace a little up his calves. It didn’t totally make sense for a beach but after a glance over at Bianca and her outfit, he decided it matched enough for what he had in mind for their performance.

Grabbing a heart shaped pair of glasses that were left on the table of offerings, Adore grinned and continued on to Bianca’s work space.

“So I have an idea.” She held out the glasses. “And I thought these might save you some time.”

-

Standing next to Adore as they waited for their turn, Bianca laughed at Courtney and Laganja’s rehearsed joke. Once they were motioned for their tone, she took the towels from a member of the pit crew and led their way into the sandpit.

She let Adore lay down first, watching as she shifted around in discomfort. She was expecting it though, having watched a few more pairs go before them.

“Here.” She folded up one of the towels and handed it over to Adore who looked cluelessly up at her. “Use it as a pillow, fuck getting sand in your ass and your hair.”

Once Adore laid back seemingly more comfortably, Bianca moved into position but glanced back before she lowered herself to sit on Adore’s stomach.

“Alright back there?”

“I’m good.”

Bianca nodded and lowered onto her knees, supporting her weight entirely on her legs with her legs spread as wide as she could so Adore had enough room for movement.

“Still good?”

She watched Adore hesitate for a moment before shuffling down a little more and reaching for Bianca’s hips, assuring her hands would be out of the sight for those looking front on.

“For leverage, so I can move my body.”

Adore’s explanation was drawn out in a tone Bianca couldn’t quite put her finger on who it was an impression of but she chuckled nonetheless before taking it as confirmation that they were ready and she could settle the rest of the towels around them. Once she was satisfied they were fitting the illusion, she was nodding that they were ready to start the song.

-

“And the winners of the mini challenge are…Adore and Bianca!”

Bianca let Adore press against her side for their victory shot, her arm raising to wrap around Adore’s shoulders for a quick squeeze as they shared an equally surprised and pleased look.

Their win had come slightly as a shock. They had done well but after watching Courtney’s facial expressions and the man-handling of Laganja’s legs which was hilarious, Bianca’s confidence in her own pairing had lessened. Apparently Bianca’s comedic take on Adore’s burlesque style show with her legs had bumped them over though and she certainly wasn’t complaining.

She wasn’t expecting Adore to return to her station so quickly or with specific ideas for their lip sync. The sunglasses had been a save as well, allowing them an extra five minutes of planning out their performance which was another tick for Adore in Bianca’s mental checklist. Overall, she had been impressed.

Their victory didn’t last long though because soon enough they were separated and picking queens for teams to work against one another as captains for the maxi challenge.

-

“So would you pick from the other team to work with?”

“Bianca.”

Adore didn’t have to think twice before answering the question directed to her once they were in the untucked lounge. She hadn’t gone well in the filming challenge, far too in her own head to concentrate on her lines. She’d bombed the runway as well, getting more critiques than compliments on her look. It had shaken her confidence and she was embarrassed, especially after winning the mini challenge with Bianca earlier that day.

Working with Bianca was a stark contrast than how the group challenge had gone. Having to follow a script had limited Adore’s creative ability and she felt stifled in her group, relying on all of them and none of them all at once.

She had no qualms about repeating her answer when the rest of the group joined them as well, asking what they’d missed out on.

“DeLa asked me who I’d want to work with from the other queens and I said you.”

“Wait, what’s your name again?”

Said with no bite, Adore laughed around her cocktail at Bianca’s response. Most of the other queens looked surprised but Courtney laughed as well, clearly seeing through Bianca’s tone or simply enjoying it enough that she didn’t care if it was said in jest or not.

Adore hadn’t been in good spirits since the runway, trapped in her own thoughts that were desperately battling against the voices in her head that were repeating the judges critiques, her own saying that she wasn’t good enough, the other queens from her group saying her leadership landed in the bottom. The rest of the group, Bianca especially who always seemed to radiate an authority over the room, was a welcome distraction.

“Like yeah she’s a bitch but she’s helpful as well. We killed the rest of you in the mini challenge and even though we’re both really big personalities and I thought we’d clash, it ended up working for us.”

Adore shrugged but she caught the rare smile Bianca sent her way before her expression changed, guarded again against the rest of their competitors.

“I’d choose Adore too if we had to pick someone to work with again.” Bianca pursed her lips before continuing. “I’d make out with her over Courtney again any day.”

After the expected returning quip from Courtney, the conversation shifted and Adore was grateful to take a backseat from the centre of attention. It was the first real challenge, against all the girls and she had disappointed herself. Her mind was racing again, self doubt rising up and forming a lump in her throat.

She had tuned out of the conversation so much so that only the couch dipping beside her as the rest of the queens stood up around her broke her from her thoughts. She mumbled a distracted ‘thanks’ to who was holding the curtain back for everyone before her but faltered when a black nailed hand curled around her arm and pulled her to a stop.

Face to face with Bianca, Adore swallowed thickly and let a small grin curl her lips.

“You trying to make out with me now? Because I don’t really think we have time.”

She was pleased to hear Bianca laugh as Adore referenced her earlier joke, quieter than her usual cackles but it felt even more genuine somehow.

“I just wanted to say not to take it too hard, kid.”

Adore considered arguing back, holding up a stronger front against someone who was supposed to be her competition. Someone who was her biggest competition especially.

It didn’t seem to be worth it though, not when Bianca had already seen straight through her. Not when Adore felt Bianca’s gaze on the side of her face rather than the screen as they watched their teams movies and her jaw was tight as she tried to shield how embarrassed she was on the runway.

“I…thanks Bianca.”

“Come on, let’s go see what these queens pull out their asses. Think Vivacious will attempt a death drop?”

Adore’s laughter followed them down the hallway, Bianca’s arm around her shoulders and her own around Bianca’s slim waist as they walked together and Adore felt lucky. Lucky that she seemed to have a friend, other than Laganja who seemed off and unrecognisable, and lucky that she had seemingly evaded Hurricane Bianca, for whatever reason Adore didn’t dare to question.

[writethehousedown]

Hold Still (Biadore) - tanawrites

Summary - part of the Summer Lovin’ challenge for the prompt bathing suit. What might have happened if Bianca and Adore were paired up for the swimsuit challenge in season 6.

A/N - I’ve just done another rewatch of my absolute fav season of Drag Race (thanks corona for all the spare time I’ve had) and I’m just honestly obsessed with these two. I couldn’t help but be inspired by some of my favourite of their moments and the idea of them being friends early on!

“I want you to pair up with a queen who was not in your original group."  

Now it made sense to Roy the way the production team had carefully arranged them in the workroom that morning. A glance to either side of him was enough to confirm, the lineup was alternating the queens from the two groups and from the expecting grin on RuPaul’s face, it was intended to throw them off.

Some of the pairings made sounds of approval, a few air kisses exchanged and the clasp of hands.

He turned to his right and came face-to-face with one of the younger queens. Not his first choice but it wasn’t really Danny’s fault in particular. Roy was bound to be doubtful of any of the queens he hadn’t worked with yet - it was in his nature to question everybody until he saw for himself what they could do. Especially when his success was relying partly on them as well.

Responding to Danny’s exaggerated look of hesitancy as he stepped closer to affirm them as a team, Roy sideyed Danny. He looked him up and down once before turning back to listen to their rest of their instructions, figuring that would be enough for the cameras. He just hoped it would be used as a foreshadowing in the edit because their unlikely pairing had won them the challenge rather than the alternative.

“…combine bodies to create one lip syncing, bikini wearing bathing beauty.”

Despite Roy’s uncertainty about his partner, he was amused by the challenge. It sure as hell beat trying to look sexy with feathers stuck to Bianca’s lipstick. At least he could bring humour into this.

“Go!”

Once the initial rush of twelve grown men shoving and grabbing for their choice of swimwear, which was about as pleasant as it sounded, Roy took his findings back to his station.

He’d managed to snag a one-piece bathing suit and a sheer cover-up - neither of which he would have had in the suitcases he’d packed, hardly something Bianca would ever perform in. After rifling through one of his bags, he pulled out a floppy hat and large flower that he could pin on his front to hide the fact that he wouldn’t have time to fashion Bianca’s usual chest.

Quick drag was never something he chose to do  - not when he painted Bianca’s face the way he did or with how precise he liked his drag to be. Always tucked neat and tightly, Bianca’s curves cinched and padded to the now familiar figure, never a hair out of place or signature bold makeup smudged.

Before he got started on the transition into Bianca, his eyes sought out another’s from across the room. Once Danny met his gaze, Roy tilted his head slightly in invitation.

“So just based on first impressions, you don’t exactly strike me as a top, queen.”

Before his words could leave a sting, Roy was continuing, gesturing to Danny as he spoke now that he was standing in front of him.

“Plus, we can do a lot more with those legs than my stumps. Work for you?”

Danny nodded, seemingly either too startled or intimidated by Roy’s unquestionable authority to verbally respond. It wasn’t personal, nor intended to be rude on Roy’s behalf. He was used to a time crunch, not usually as pressing as this one but he was a hit the ground running kind of person to begin with.

It seemed though that Danny wasn’t totally acting for the cameras earlier if his current apprehension was anything to go off. Roy wasn’t heartless though, no one should be scared of him, so he dropped his voice a little and relaxed his position from where he had tensed from the urgency of the challenge.

“Great, do what you need to do and meet me back here so we can plan something out? It’s going to take the rest of these bitches that long just to get made up.”

“Party.”

Settling for a roll of his eyes and stubbornly denying the small tug at the corners of his lips at the response, Roy got to work as Danny left his station grinning. It was easier to work together if Danny wasn’t too busy tiptoeing around him, Roy told himself.

Just as Bianca pulled her bangs into the right position and secured them with a pin, Adore was sidling up to her chair, steeled with a new confidence.

“So, I have an idea.”

-

After Danny’s initial panic about working with Roy, the queen already having a reputation for reading their fellow competitors to filth, there came the panic of the challenge.

Adore barely tucked on a good day, let alone well enough to have her crotch on full display.

It was a partner challenge though and after Roy had taken the reins on their team, Danny knew there were expectations for him to meet for someone other than himself now. He only partially understood the reputation proceeding Bianca. She was sharp-tongued there was no doubt about it but who could blame a bitch for being blunt?

He’d approached Roy at Bianca’s station with a hint of hesitancy but walked away optimistic. More importantly, he walked away with a clear head.

Known for being eccentric and impulsive in his behaviour, Danny found it hard to stay focused. Determined, yes but organising all his creative thoughts was something he struggled with. Roy’s assertiveness had allowed Danny to direct his attention without any of the struggle.

Sharing a grin with Laganja in their shared work space, he ignored the way Laganja was trying to catch his gaze. It would no doubt be about his pairing, Laganja whispering in Adore’s ear just yesterday about how scary Bianca seemed after the warning snapped at Gia almost as soon as they’d met. Danny didn’t have the time right now though, almost able to hear seconds ticking away from them before they had to be ready.

Never one to be shy, Danny dropped his pants and reached for his rarely used tape and got to work. He could hear everyone else working in a fluster around him and usually, he would be the kind to be poking his head around and cracking jokes. It was their first challenge as a full group and he wanted to make an impression on Ru and the other queens.

Once he was tucked, tighter than he had been in a long time, he reached for the swimsuit. Danny had grabbed a bright matching bikini and pulled on the bottoms, making sure he looked as flat as he could down there. After a moment of hesitation, he grinned and put the top on as well, covering his flat chest and tugging a crop top on over the top. It wasn’t like anybody was going to see his top half during the challenge but it was very on brand for Adore.

Grateful he’d recently shaved his legs and painted his toes, he slipped his feet into strappy heels that he had to lace a little up his calves. It didn’t totally make sense for a beach but after a glance over at Bianca and her outfit, he decided it matched enough for what he had in mind for their performance.

Grabbing a heart shaped pair of glasses that were left on the table of offerings, Adore grinned and continued on to Bianca’s work space.

“So I have an idea.” She held out the glasses. “And I thought these might save you some time.”

-

Standing next to Adore as they waited for their turn, Bianca laughed at Courtney and Laganja’s rehearsed joke. Once they were motioned for their tone, she took the towels from a member of the pit crew and led their way into the sandpit.

She let Adore lay down first, watching as she shifted around in discomfort. She was expecting it though, having watched a few more pairs go before them.

“Here.” She folded up one of the towels and handed it over to Adore who looked cluelessly up at her. “Use it as a pillow, fuck getting sand in your ass and your hair.”

Once Adore laid back seemingly more comfortably, Bianca moved into position but glanced back before she lowered herself to sit on Adore’s stomach.

“Alright back there?”

“I’m good.”

Bianca nodded and lowered onto her knees, supporting her weight entirely on her legs with her legs spread as wide as she could so Adore had enough room for movement.

“Still good?”

She watched Adore hesitate for a moment before shuffling down a little more and reaching for Bianca’s hips, assuring her hands would be out of the sight for those looking front on.

“For leverage, so I can move my body.”

Adore’s explanation was drawn out in a tone Bianca couldn’t quite put her finger on who it was an impression of but she chuckled nonetheless before taking it as confirmation that they were ready and she could settle the rest of the towels around them. Once she was satisfied they were fitting the illusion, she was nodding that they were ready to start the song.

-

“And the winners of the mini challenge are…Adore and Bianca!”

Bianca let Adore press against her side for their victory shot, her arm raising to wrap around Adore’s shoulders for a quick squeeze as they shared an equally surprised and pleased look.

Their win had come slightly as a shock. They had done well but after watching Courtney’s facial expressions and the man-handling of Laganja’s legs which was hilarious, Bianca’s confidence in her own pairing had lessened. Apparently Bianca’s comedic take on Adore’s burlesque style show with her legs had bumped them over though and she certainly wasn’t complaining.

She wasn’t expecting Adore to return to her station so quickly or with specific ideas for their lip sync. The sunglasses had been a save as well, allowing them an extra five minutes of planning out their performance which was another tick for Adore in Bianca’s mental checklist. Overall, she had been impressed.

Their victory didn’t last long though because soon enough they were separated and picking queens for teams to work against one another as captains for the maxi challenge.

-

“So would you pick from the other team to work with?”

“Bianca.”

Adore didn’t have to think twice before answering the question directed to her once they were in the untucked lounge. She hadn’t gone well in the filming challenge, far too in her own head to concentrate on her lines. She’d bombed the runway as well, getting more critiques than compliments on her look. It had shaken her confidence and she was embarrassed, especially after winning the mini challenge with Bianca earlier that day.

Working with Bianca was a stark contrast than how the group challenge had gone. Having to follow a script had limited Adore’s creative ability and she felt stifled in her group, relying on all of them and none of them all at once.

She had no qualms about repeating her answer when the rest of the group joined them as well, asking what they’d missed out on.

“DeLa asked me who I’d want to work with from the other queens and I said you.”

“Wait, what’s your name again?”

Said with no bite, Adore laughed around her cocktail at Bianca’s response. Most of the other queens looked surprised but Courtney laughed as well, clearly seeing through Bianca’s tone or simply enjoying it enough that she didn’t care if it was said in jest or not.

Adore hadn’t been in good spirits since the runway, trapped in her own thoughts that were desperately battling against the voices in her head that were repeating the judges critiques, her own saying that she wasn’t good enough, the other queens from her group saying her leadership landed in the bottom. The rest of the group, Bianca especially who always seemed to radiate an authority over the room, was a welcome distraction.

“Like yeah she’s a bitch but she’s helpful as well. We killed the rest of you in the mini challenge and even though we’re both really big personalities and I thought we’d clash, it ended up working for us.”

Adore shrugged but she caught the rare smile Bianca sent her way before her expression changed, guarded again against the rest of their competitors.

“I’d choose Adore too if we had to pick someone to work with again.” Bianca pursed her lips before continuing. “I’d make out with her over Courtney again any day.”

After the expected returning quip from Courtney, the conversation shifted and Adore was grateful to take a backseat from the centre of attention. It was the first real challenge, against all the girls and she had disappointed herself. Her mind was racing again, self doubt rising up and forming a lump in her throat.

She had tuned out of the conversation so much so that only the couch dipping beside her as the rest of the queens stood up around her broke her from her thoughts. She mumbled a distracted ‘thanks’ to who was holding the curtain back for everyone before her but faltered when a black nailed hand curled around her arm and pulled her to a stop.

Face to face with Bianca, Adore swallowed thickly and let a small grin curl her lips.

“You trying to make out with me now? Because I don’t really think we have time.”

She was pleased to hear Bianca laugh as Adore referenced her earlier joke, quieter than her usual cackles but it felt even more genuine somehow.

“I just wanted to say not to take it too hard, kid.”

Adore considered arguing back, holding up a stronger front against someone who was supposed to be her competition. Someone who was her biggest competition especially.

It didn’t seem to be worth it though, not when Bianca had already seen straight through her. Not when Adore felt Bianca’s gaze on the side of her face rather than the screen as they watched their teams movies and her jaw was tight as she tried to shield how embarrassed she was on the runway.

“I…thanks Bianca.”

“Come on, let’s go see what these queens pull out their asses. Think Vivacious will attempt a death drop?”

Adore’s laughter followed them down the hallway, Bianca’s arm around her shoulders and her own around Bianca’s slim waist as they walked together and Adore felt lucky. Lucky that she seemed to have a friend, other than Laganja who seemed off and unrecognisable, and lucky that she had seemingly evaded Hurricane Bianca, for whatever reason Adore didn’t dare to question.

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 5 Review

Weird yet creative cutaways with strong overarching momentum.

Vegeta: Kills Bugs Dead opens with Goku finally reaching the end of Snake Way and the end of his journey to reach King Kai. The "nice job, jackass" as Goku literally craters into the planet sets the tone for this character in a big way. We're also treated to the incredible hijinks of Vegeta and Nappa.

[Title Sequence]

The pit-stop at Arlia at least receives a well-fitted and rather hilarious incarnation in this series. Even though the episode alternates its focus between King Kai and Arlia, I'm going to talk at length about Arlia first, and then move onto the King Kai segments.

I'm already going into this scene with some personal bias, as the "stronger guy playing along with the weaker guy because it'd be funny" trope is one of my favorites. And here we have exactly this. Vegeta and Nappa allow themselves to be captured and thrown in jail by the Arlians, where they meet an assortment of varied bug characters.

"Don't drop the soap" seems a little outdated for the modern style of TFS, as I feel they've leaned away from really older, cruder, less PC subject matters like calling someone retarded or insinuating prison rape, etc, but it fits Nappa's character completely as someone who is childish, crass, annoying for the sake of being annoying, and kind of a jerk. TFS has at least acknowledged the idea of possibly re-dubbing Season 1 with better equipment and perhaps a more refined script, and I dearly hope they keep this line unedited simply for the sake of nailing Nappa’s character identity.

After very nearly becoming a prison bitch, Vegeta decides he's had enough and promptly kabooms his way out of prison, landing smack-dab in the middle of a coliseum with the king of Arlia and his queen.

Nappa's blunt manner of introducing himself with simply "Hi." will never age.

It’s noteworthy that scene is also the first moment we get a good look at Vegeta as a character. Nappa was firmly established as the goofball from the start, but Vegeta's portrayal has more depth to it than could be conveyed in one-liners. Most of which is just sass, smug pride, and anger, but still.

It's also made clear very quickly that despite their bantering idiocy and gruff talk that they're not just for show, as Nappa no-diff's the thirteen elite Arlian guards with a massive shock wave that we later see level a city.

The king and queen are then more or less blackmailed into fucking. Nappa's eager fascination during this whole scene, the descriptions, visual edits and sound design are... Well, there's no other way to put it, it's fucked up. And it is hilarious! These are some very creative takes and decisions that were made entirely for internal experience of the show itself rather than as a parody of something else. Nappa even takes a photograph of it and sends it to Vegeta, since he's abstained from watching.

The comedic jabs don't stop there either, as Nappa tries to adopt the Arlian Rancor, but just like the kid who can't sit still, Nappa ends up breaking everything he plays with. Just as Vegeta is about to kill the king, rocks begin flying around the coliseum.

"What are you doing?"

Vegeta smirks. "I'm about to rock you, like a hurricane." And then boom, he hurls a rock into the king and kills him. Let's put a pin in that brick joke for later.

The long flashback scene doesn't play any music, which feels like a weird editing misstep after a series of home runs. They leave the planet as heroes, and Nappa sets Vegeta up for another predictable bit of mood whiplash, where Vegeta obliterates the entire planet. This is a huge escalation in power scale compared to everything else we have seen thus far. But then, this is Dragon Ball Z. We've already reached “destroying planets” at only the fifth episode, and everyone knows that it only goes well past 11 on the dial from here on out.

Granted, there is controversy in the official version about whether or not this would’ve been possible for Saiyan Saga Vegeta, considering Arlia is not canon, but I will not be considering that simply because DBZA contains no filler. Everything shown in the flagship series (not counting movies, DBZA Kai, or other shorts) is presented as being canon to DBZA. Also, Vegeta and Nappa are shown standing outside of their pods... in the vacuum of space. Series veterans will understand the massive can of worms this opens. I'm looking at you, Battle of Gods.

Once everyone, including the people that they JUST SAVED from a tyrannical king, have been reduced to space dust, Nappa closes off this scene nicely.

Now that we've discussed Arlia, let's focus on King Kai's role in the episode.

He explains to Goku that the planet has high gravity due to it's small size. Gregory from off-screen pipes up that this doesn't make any sense. I suppose "higher planet density" wasn't considered when writing the script - or perhaps it was, and they just decided that the easy answer wasn't the funniest one. Maybe “there’s an incredibly powerful pirate trapped in the core of the planet, which is why the gravity is so strong" was deemed better for a parody.

Honestly, I agree. Bojack works as an in-the-know reference, and is also fleshed out enough within the show that a newcomer would understand what's being discussed.

At the time of this review, the Bojack Abridged movie has not yet been released, but this is easily one of the longest brick jokes in all of DBZA, since Episode 5 was released in 2008 and it is my expectation that Bojack Abridged will be released within the year, leaving in its wake an 11 year old callback.

When King Kai asks Goku why he had been sought out, Goku explains that the Saiyans are coming to Earth and he requires training. Excellent fade-in and musical choice for Goku's uncharacteristically serious speech to King Kai.

Of course, it gets cut off at the peak swell with King Kai's indifferent "sure", leaving Goku gobsmacked.

In this series, King Kai's indifference and easy acceptance of Goku is attributed to the mind-numbing loneliness of only having a monkey and a grasshopper (cricket, sorry) to talk to for the last 500 years. Goku agrees, as he couldn't imagine anything more boring.

Major flash-forward to Namek. Just this scene being here at all is a major instance of a sequence break. But it is the introduction of another exceptionally interesting character in the series.

In terms of placement, this works as a long-term cutaway gag and reminiscent humor but not much else. We're still about half a season away from even considering Namek within the story, and the Saiyans haven't even arrived on Earth yet. The decision to slide this segment into the middle of this episode leaves some serious questions in my mind. But at face value, it's not that bad.

We're treated to a solid ten seconds of just staring at a massive fat green alien while birds chirp in the background. We hear a fish go "plonk!" in the water, and Lord Guru calls for someone named Nail, who looks a lot like Piccolo, to approach him.

"I saw a fish. That was all, you can go back outside now." 

Definitely reinforces the point of boring. And while Nail is lamenting how boring his job is, Lord Guru tells him that he saw a bird and then promptly instructs him to "kick its ass."

But we’re not Nail, are we? We’re the viewer, and for some reason in the human mind, segments of extremely boring content usually pique our interest even more, because we have it drilled into our psyche that something is going to happen to break the tension sooner or later. That notion, the idea of slowly leaning closer to the monitor during the ten long seconds of a single still image, both conveys the boring tone of Namek, but also leaves the reader waiting in anticipation long enough for these dull scenes to just fade from their perspective and only latch onto the climatic moment. In this case, Guru commanding his apparent servant/bodyguard to assault a fish.

Not to overstate the obvious, but if it’s not the viewer’s own sense of tension and curiosity, it’s the pure absurdism and characterization of Guru that carries this scene. Disregarding source material, the design of Guru is meant to make him look old, wise and compassionate. Making him a lazy, annoying, verbally violent fatass is a near-infinite cash cow of writing material. It’s very difficult for me to judge this scene unbiased, knowing what comes next, but I imagine this would be a tryhard non-sequitur at worst, or promising potential for the future at best, with regards to this scene on its own, within the context of this episode and nothing more.

This episode also saw the genesis of perhaps not the first, but one of the most popular jokes in all of DBZA: Piccolo just jobbing the shit out of Gohan. DODGE! The scenes chosen and the delivery are outstanding compliments to this cheesy, simplistic joke. At this point I feel it's important to address that my editorial reflections or descriptions of these skits are relative to the context of these episodes. Even with the best of what this episode has to offer, we're still in peak 2008 internet humor era. The use of the word "outstanding" here will not carry a similar significance should I use it to describe a later episode.

Also the most random cutaway in all of DBZA, full-stop, is the brief look into the Hall of Justice, as Superman, Batman and Aquaman debate how they will stop the approaching Saiyans. This is humorous only in its absurdity, but less-endearingly than Guru was. Even if this scene makes zero sense, and relies upon an almost lower form of comedy than slapstick, Aquaman's voice is still just Krillin's voice. At least Superman and Batman sound different than the main cast. I'm really tempted to dislike this more, but the lackadaisical attitude and context of the whole scene definitely draws your eye more than a lot of the sensible but base-line plot progression of the story. I don't know if it belongs. To me, this scene just screams out that TFS is flinging spaghetti wildly at the wall, any and everything that might be funny, and while some of it sticks for one reason or another, (Jadoshin as Solid Snake, Antics on Arlia, even Guru's abrupt cameo) some of it flops. If anything, this show builds upon the corpses of its failures, and learns what works and what doesn't work surprisingly quickly.

Conclusion

Bizarre, but I liked it. Nothing in this episode that's bad is memorable. I might criticize the Namek cutaway for being out of place, but after letting this review sit for a few days, I just remember Goku saying "Man, nothing could be more boring than that!" and the immediate cut to Namek, and Nail pleading for the love of his sanity for something to happen. I might criticize the Justice League cutaway for being wildly out of the place, but I just remember "WHAAAAAALES!"

The meat of the episode was also decent, as it establishes Goku training under King Kai, and Piccolo's continued training of Gohan, the origin of DODGE! and the realization that Gohan can transform into an Ozaru. And you can nod your head and say that these may be necessary to the story all day, but they're also presented with... let's call it a clumsy grace. It's not bad, but it's miles away from official dub quality. This is in essence what the benchmark or gold standard was for early abridging back in 2008. The quality that TFS will continue to evolve the series into simply defies all logic or explanation, and in comparison makes these episodes look downright crude. 

But let's face it, if Episode 1 began with a person lying on the ground and shot in both kneecaps, Episode 5 shows that same person at least hobbling down the street to the hospital. 

It might not look pretty on the whole, and some of the dialogue might be clunky, but it seems like a lot of the flaws in this episode are simply caused by being products of their time.

Whether we're looking at Namek or The Hall of Justice, even the most outlandish oddities of this episode have still made me laugh. That's really the end of it.

Score: 75

Passing Thoughts

"I hope something exciting happens around here soon. I don't care what it is." - Ominous!

"You're surrounded by my thirteen elite *KABOOM* ...dead guards."

"SUMMON THE RANCOR!"

[cancerbiophd]

hey julia, im really sad because after a year or so of writing for a published paper, the prof analyzing the data found an inconsistency in my database and when he fixed it the new results he got changed the outline of our paper in a big way. i'm still getting primary authorship because i did all the data collecting and initial writing, but pretty much all i wrote is gonna have to be scrapped :( i was really proud of what i wrote and having it go through editing because it was mine (1/2)

(2/2)I feel so disappointed with everything though and i know it’s my first ever real writing experience but i was hoping it would work out a bit better :c im still gonna have access to see how the paper evolves and be invited to the talks about it, but it just isn’t mine anymore and i kind of feel like i failed, i was banking on this paper to apply for grad school because being published gives me an edge but it doesn’t feel like its my work anymore :( what do u do when u have a sad science day?

Oh maria /biiiig hug/ i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. it’s ok to feel sad and disappointed because i know it’s tough to watch something you’ve worked so hard on get scrapped like that. but you know what? you’re tougher! and i know you’ll get through this. 

Firstly, give yourself a warm hug for completing the monumental task that is writing a manuscript, regardless of what ended up happening. Finishing something so challenging is not trivial! And you know what, all those experience points you gained by going through this journey are yours to keep. So when it comes to writing another manuscript in grad school, you’ll know exactly what to do! And that’s pretty great, yeah?

Secondly, I know you feel bad, and that’s ok, but I want to slip a note into your thoughts that you have not failed, my friend. You have not failed. Mistakes happen, even to seasoned professionals, because mistakes are a part of life. I guarantee you that every single research lab in existence right now (and have existed) has had to go back to square one or two and start over at some point. And they did, and fixed what needed to be fixed, and then carried on to do great things. Sometimes you gotta erase what’s already on the paper to make room for something more beautiful. 

If you feel this paper doesn’t feel like your baby anymore, that’s ok. I totally understand why you would feel that way, and if squishing and squeezing your emotions into accepting the paper like it was before is adding to the bad feels, then you don’t have to. You can just focus on and own the black and white facts of the paper: the experimental design, the science behind the data, the major conclusions, the impact on society, etc. There doesn’t have to be an emotional attachment to go with it if you don’t want to. 

And you know what, the changes to this paper doesn’t change who you are. Maria: you are still the smart, funny, caring, kind, and passionate person that I’ve gotten to know you as. You’re still the awesome person who took the time to put together the most in-depth and hilaaarious powerpoint of fish and fauna to see while snorkeling in the Bahamas for me. You’re still the brilliant marine biologist who has a (really impressive!) CV that 100% reflects your passion and commitment to your work. You’re still a person who will leave the world a better place, and I know this because you’ve already made my world a better place. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. 

I hope you’re starting to feel better now :) If not, here are some things I do if I have a Bad Science Day:

Cry it out. There’s an odd sort of comfort that comes after a good cry. So sometimes if I feel like I’ve been holding back, I exhale softly and let it all out. It doesn’t solve anything, I know, but I do feel a teeny bit better and a teeny bit more whole. 

Write it out. Something I’ve learned about myself is that my brain tends to over-exaggerate things when it’s just swirling thoughts. But when I write it out and everything gets organized, it turns out things aren’t so bad after all. So give it a go, either in a word doc, an actual journal, or even a tumblr post (that you don’t have to publish, of course). 

Talk it out. Related, going on a verbal rant (or even written rant to someone) helps in a similar way. Even if it’s in private to my favorite stuffed animal or a pet. Just anything to get the thoughts out!

Listen to “comfort” music. I have a playlist of my all-time favorite songs and I listen to it on the drive home and I always feel a lil better. It’s hard to not feel a little happy and carefree when your favorite jam comes on. 

Sleep it off. Sometimes all I need is a good night’s sleep (or even a nap) to clear my head. Also I love sleeping, so it always feels good no matter what. 

Do something comforting. Anything to release those sweet sweet endorphins. My ideas of comforting routines are: eating whatever I’m craving at the moment, watching a favorite TV show or movie (usually something I’ve already seen), curling up with a good book or magazine, scrolling through Tumblr, doing my nails, hugging my dog and/or husband until I feel better, and walking around Homegoods, my favorite store (I’d honestly live there if I could). Doing these things also helps in that it takes my mind off whatever’s bothering me, even temporarily. 

Give myself a pep talk. Ok, oddly enough, the pep-talk-voice in my head is Gordon Ramsay. I don’t know how it manifested as him, but when he’s not yelling at chefs to get their shit together, he has a really encouraging and soothing voice! Anyway, sometimes he sits me down and tells me that everything is going to be ok, and here’s what we do next alright? Just one step at a time ok? That’s it. Good job. Good job. 

Just keep working. Sometimes my Bad Science Day starts at 9 AM in the morning, or it’s just a continuous Bad Science Week/Month/Year. So I put those feelings on hold and just stick to my schedule and try to be as productive as I can. Because even if Experiment 1 didn’t work, Experiment 2 might, and if it does, I’ll feel a little better! And if Experiment 2 doesn’t work, well, at least I finished it, and I’ll still feel a little better! And in any case, my projects aren’t gonna do themselves, no matter how I feel. So in the wise words of Dory: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!”

I talk to my PI. I’m super lucky to have an understanding PI, and I’ve talked to her about my frustrations on more than one occasion and she’s worked with me to come up with good solutions, or have said things to make me feel better. PIs are full of wisdom from experiencing their own fair share of Bad Science Days so they have lots of advice on how to feel better, such as looking at my results a different way so it goes form :( to :)

I let the passing of time lessen the hurt. Time doesn’t always heal, but it does make things that were terrible at the moment not so bad anymore. So if nothing else makes me feel better, at least I know “this too shall pass”. 

I hope this helps. I know things are ugh right now, but you’re going to be ok. And I’m here for you, ok? Feel free to reach out via chat or email. I would very much like to help you feel better

[blissedoutphil]

Dan’s Purpose

When I first watched actual phan say this, my first thought was “wow im def gonna write lotsa smut about this” but somehow I ended up with....this? A smut blog writing angst?? What happened here :x

But I hope you enjoy my first attempt at (almost) non-smut!! Do give me feedback, like if I should just stick to smut or something lmao bc I honestly dont know if this is any good

EDIT: THANK YOU for voting for this fic in the phanficawards!! It's won third place in the Undiscovered Gem category :) thank you for motivating me and helping me every time I doubt my writing <33

4428 words of neko!dan, owner!Phil, angst, a lil fluff, mentions of smut, grinding, punishment

or read on ao3!

Dan is Phil’s good little kitten. He’s proud of it. He loves it when his Master shows him off to people, loves it when his Master is proud of owning him. He knows he’s lucky to have Phil, especially since he could’ve ended up with anyone in this world, and there are many horrible, awful people out there.

Phil was fair, he was kind. He didn’t abuse his power like so many people did to nekos. He keeps Dan safe and he makes Dan feel loved. Phil treats Dan like a princess, always spoiling him.

Technically Dan was still Phil’s slave. No matter how nicely Phil treats him, he can’t escape from his fate in this world where nekos were just born, bred and sold to serve. Few lucky ones out there got training to serve in better jobs, but most nekos were just sold as pleasure slaves. Dan spent years afraid of being sold to someone nasty. He may not have been lucky enough to get training for a better job, but at least he was lucky enough to be sold to Phil. At least he wasn’t like some of the most unfortunate nekos who had no home and were just left on the street, vulnerable to anyone who mean harm.

When Dan first met Phil at 16, he had expected the worst. Phil was so tall and Dan barely reached his shoulders. He was terrified of Phil and he’d expected to be used immediately by the man 5 years older, but Phil barely touched him. Phil was caring and careful. He made the effort to earn Dan’s trust. He knew how nekos were generally treated terribly, especially since he grew up with one mistreated by his own family. He might have decided to buy a neko only to prove to himself that he wasn’t like his family. It took a while, but Dan warmed up to him soon enough.

And Dan learned that sex wasn’t always painful and scary like the nekos he’d met described. Phil was so gentle with him, he paid attention to Dan’s needs and he never made Dan do anything he was uncomfortable with. As a natural submissive, Dan discovered that he actually enjoyed pleasuring Phil. Soon he realised that he wanted to serve his owner - sexually or not. It was something he never thought was possible before being owned.

Phil did set rules and tasks, although he was lenient with them. Dan obeys them like the good cat he was. Simple things for Dan’s sake, really, like eating healthy, exercising, helping out with chores around the house, and no humping against furniture. Phil would only discipline him if he broke any rule or disobeyed him, but it was a rare occasion.

Dan loves it when his Master shows him off to people, but not this time. Adam crouched down to scritch the back of his ear, but Dan only flattened his ears. He wanted to hiss at Adam to shoo him away, but he knew his Master wouldn’t appreciate that. Dan was hiding under the office table, and with his back pressed against the wall, he realised it was a bad hiding spot.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him today, he’s usually not that shy,” Phil spoke, addressing Adam who was standing back up.

When Adam left the room, Phil crouched down to have a proper look at Dan. “What’s wrong, pet?”

“Nothing...” Dan mumbled, “just. You didn’t warn me that we were gonna have company today.”

“Sorry about that, I’ll explain later, alright?” Phil said before hurrying out.

Technically, Dan was still Phil’s slave. He should be doing what Phil wants him to, should know what was expected of him even without verbal commands. In that moment, he was expected to greet this Adam guy politely. He knew that was what Phil wanted him to do. But Dan also knew that Phil wasn’t like normal neko slave owners. He wouldn’t get into trouble for acting against his owner’s wishes.

Although he never knew about this Adam guy before today, Dan just didn’t like him. He wasn’t even sure why, because the guy honestly seemed like a nice person. Phil won’t hang out with neko abusers, and he certainly won’t introduce such people to his beloved neko. So Dan knew that Adam was a nice guy. But still he couldn’t help feeling uneasy about him.

Perhaps it was the way Dan saw them entering the apartment, all huddled up together. Perhaps it was the way Phil smiled at Adam, a smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle that usually, only Dan caused. Something about these little things made Dan’s stomach drop.

Dan quietly crawled and peeked around the office door in time to see Adam leaving. When he saw Adam kiss Phil goodbye, his heart stopped and that was when he knew he was in trouble.

Later that night, Phil was hugging Dan close in bed as they always do when they went to sleep.

“I didn’t plan for Adam to visit us tonight, sorry about that. We were just caught up in rain and we were only 2 blocks away from here, so I decided to bring him back for some warmth while waiting for the rain to stop before he could go home,” Phil stroked Dan’s curls as he spoke, and Dan’s ears perked up, listening intently.

“I’ve never heard of Adam before,” Dan muttered. Phil told him everything, his owner barely had any friends. Phil chuckled sheepishly.

“Yeah sorry bout that too. I’ve been seeing Adam for almost 3 weeks now? I never told you because I didn’t know if it was going to be a serious thing or just like a fling. But I think we might actually get serious.”

Phil was smiling now, a dreamy look on his face. He hadn’t had a partner in ages. He’d been single since before he bought Dan, and Dan’s been with him for 4 years. Dan knew this, so he should be happy for his owner. He really should.

But.

But he couldn’t stop the sinking feeling in his chest. He received lots of training at the neko centre on how to be a proper slave for his owner. How to serve and how to provide pleasure. But he was never taught on how to deal with heartache. Because who would think that a neko would fall in love with their owner?

Dan was in trouble.

Dan wasn’t stupid. He knew this day would come. Of course Phil would finally find someone one day. How could he not? Such a charming, positive and loving guy would surely win someone’s heart soon enough. And of course he wouldn’t expect a human to fall in love with a neko. Yes, he knows that Phil loves him, but not that way. So naturally, he shouldn’t fall in love with a human either.

Except.

Except Dan was stupid. How could anyone fall in love with someone who bought them? Someone he was technically a slave for? But then again, could he be blamed for falling for Phil? The only person in his life who ever showed care for him? Someone who treats him with respect despite their status? Dan was in love and he was stupid.

He was also silent for a bit too long. Phil was looking at him now, and he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“That’s. That’s great, Sir,” he said softly, avoiding eye contact.

Phil either didn’t notice anything wrong or he didn’t want to mention it because he kissed Dan goodnight and that was the end of the conversation.

Since then, Phil started coming home late. Once, he even spent the night at Adam’s and forgot to inform Dan, leaving Dan to sleep alone confused and worried.

The couple stumbled into the apartment late one night, and Dan caught a glimpse of Adam pushing Phil against the door as soon as it closed, the two of them urgently making out. Dan retreated to the office, he couldn’t bear to hear or watch them.

When he was too tired to stay up any longer, he went to the bedroom only to find the door closed, and sounds of sex coming from the other side of the door. Dan sighed and waited by the corridor.

Soon enough the sounds stopped. Dan’s ears were flattened, trying to drown them out. He felt dirty and wrong for hearing them. Perhaps even jealous, but he would never admit that. He waited for Phil to come out and look for him to go to sleep together. Silently hoped that Adam would leave. But time passed and the silence dragged on.

If Adam can satisfy Phil’s sexual needs then...what was Dan’s purpose there anymore? If Adam was now here to keep Phil company, was Dan still needed?

Technically, Dan was Phil’s slave. His purpose was to serve Phil sexually and satisfy his needs and wants. Phil was a lonely guy who needed company when he bought Dan. But if his needs and desires were being met by someone else...Dan was of no use.

His chest began heaving and tears slipped down his cheeks. He considered knocking on the door; even if he couldn’t sleep in bed with Phil, his cat bed was next to Phil’s bed. But he quickly decided against it, Phil was probably asleep already and who was Dan to disturb his Master’s rest?

He tried to stand to go to the lounge and sleep on the sofa, but his limbs felt heavy and he suddenly had no energy to move. He felt out of breath and he couldn’t stop trembling. Nekos who weren’t needed by their owners usually had two fates - either be sold to someone else or just abandoned. Was Phil as exceptional as Dan had thought all this time, or will he be just like any other neko owner out there?

Dan hiccuped and willed himself to shut his brain up and just go to sleep.

It was Adam who saw Dan first the next morning when he opened the bedroom door. Dan woke with a startle when the door swung open, losing his balance as he was curled up against the door.

“Oh! Dan, good morning,” Adam chirped, too enthusiastic in the early hours of the day for Dan’s liking.

Dan didn’t reply, only curled his tail around himself and shied away from the door. He heard Phil exclaim from inside the room, then heard Phil’s footsteps rushing to the door. Dan wanted to hide. He looked pitiful, with his swollen eyes and dried tear tracks down his face.

“Oh I’m so sorry I forgot to let you in, pet,” Phil apologised sincerely, crouching down to Dan.

“It’s okay,” Dan mumbled.

He felt like crying again, how pathetic. He tried his best to keep his composure and quickly went to the bathroom to wash up.

When Dan was done showering and changing, he went to the kitchen and found that Adam had cooked them breakfast. His tail hung between his legs. That was another thing he was meant to do. Adam was replacing him in every way and it was crushing him.

“Dan! Adam made us pancakes, come have some,” Phil gestured to the stack of pancakes on the kitchen table.

It smelled so good, but one look at Adam happily eating next to Phil and Dan’s appetite was gone.

“Not hungry,” Dan simply said and started to retreat from the kitchen.

“Dan, it’s not good to skip breakfast,” Phil’s voice was stern, he always placed importance on Dan’s eating habits.

Dan exhaled shakily, how stupid of him to deny his Master’s requests. Then again, if he was going to be disowned soon anyway, what’s the point of following orders? He steadied his breathing and walked out of the kitchen, ignoring Phil’s confused look.

After breakfast, Adam finally left and Phil took the opportunity to ask Dan about his behaviour earlier.

“Don’t lie to me, Dan. I can tell you only didn’t want to eat because breakfast was made by Adam, isn’t that right?” Phil asked, but he didn’t sound angry, just upset.

Dan didn’t want to admit that he could be so easily read by Phil, so he pawed at his tail nervously.

“Don’t you want to show Adam that you’re my good kitty?” Phil continued.

Dan frowned, how could Phil try to make him feel guilty like it was his fault that Adam was doing all his work now.

When Phil was met with silence again, he sighed. “I don’t know what you want when you don’t even want to talk to me. I have to go,” he got up and left the house, leaving Dan feeling absolutely hurt because Phil didn’t even kiss him goodbye like he always did before going to work.

Dan had a good cry and a great nap afterwards. In his nap, he dreamt of the last time he had sex with Phil. Phil had rimmed him slow and sweet, turning him into a moaning mess before fucking him gently, lovingly.

He was just about to get to the good part where Phil sucked him off while he came, but he suddenly woke up, panting and with a hard on.

Great. Dan groaned, he didn’t know when Phil was coming back since he never seemed to care to update Dan anymore, so he didn’t know how long he’d have to wait to get some relief from Phil. He thought about his dream and felt a mix of anger and lust. It’s been a month since they last had sex. A month since he got an orgasm, which is the longest he ever went without an orgasm since he moved in with Phil.

Then Dan got an idea. He already broke a rule in the morning, breaking another wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like Phil would find out anyway. Dan got out of bed and rushed to the couch in the lounge.

Perfect. It’s always been his favourite place to grind against until Phil placed the rule. The armrest especially gave the perfect amount of friction he needed. He hurriedly pushed his pants down and began humping the side of the couch.

It felt so good, he didn’t even care that he was breaking a rule. So what if he was? Phil doesn’t need him anymore. He’d be thrown out either way, so he should at least get some relief before meeting his fate.

Dan moved his hips urgently, feeling orgasm pool inside him. But tears suddenly blurred his vision as his thoughts drifted to Phil. This is all your fault, he thought. So stupid for falling for your owner. What kind of freak. Your fault, breaking your own heart like this. Now you gotta resort to humping against the couch for pleasure. Fucking pathetic.

Phil found Dan humping the couch. What on earth? First he refused to eat, now this? Breaking two rules in one day isn’t like Dan at all.

“Your fault, this is your own fault,” Dan kept muttering between sniffles, hips thrusting randomly even though he’d already come. It wasn’t even a satisfying orgasm, he was too caught up in his thoughts. He didn’t hear Phil enter the room either.

“Dan!” Phil shouted, and Dan stumbled away from the couch in surprise.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Phil scolded.

Dan responded with a sob. He looked downright miserable, with his ears turned down and his tail limp behind him. Phil shook his head in disapproval.

“Don’t think looking like that will gain you sympathy points,” Phil reprimanded, “So are you going to explain to me why you’re misbehaving so much today?”

Dan looked at the floor. It was hard enough to accept the fact that he was no longer valuable in this place, why did Phil have to make him say it?

“It’s been a month since I got off,” he weakly argued instead.

“Well then you could’ve asked me to help you out!” Phil said exasperatedly.

“Pfft, as if you would,” Dan huffed.

Phil’s eyes widened in disbelief at what he heard.

“I’ve had it with your attitude today, Daniel,” he growled, “I let you off without a punishment this morning, but looks like I shouldn’t have.” 

Phil grabbed Dan’s arm, ignoring his yelp of protest. Dan sobbed loudly as he was dragged into the bedroom. Phil pulled out his cage from the closet and Dan whimpered at the sight of it. He could count the number of times he’d been in there with only one hand because he was a good neko who rarely got punished. But he hated the times he’d spent in there.

“You’re going to stay in here until you’ve come back to your senses, and until you finally decide to properly talk to me,” Phil stated.

Phil tutted when Dan looked up at him with wide, pleading eyes. “Honestly, what’s gotten in to you, Dan? I come back early from work to get ready for my one month anniversary dinner with Adam but now I gotta waste time cleaning your cum off the furniture!”

Phil pointed at the cage, and Dan’s shoulders drooped in defeat. There was no point in arguing. Dan started to feel guilty for his actions, ruining his Master’s anniversary in such an unpleasant way. His Master was a good man who didn’t deserve him, no matter how much Dan loved him. He wasn’t cruel, he was only trying to discipline him. So, Dan crawled into the cage with his tail hung between his legs.

Phil locked the cage. It was big enough for Dan to sit up and lay curled up. Phil was nice enough to always include a bowl of water and a small pillow and blanket in there.

Muttering in annoyance, Phil left the room to clean Dan’s mess. He then came back to get dressed for his dinner, never once looking at Dan despite his whining and whimpering. He left without a word, and Dan was surprised to find that he still hadn’t run out of tears.

Dan didn’t expect Phil to come home soon, in fact he was prepared for Phil to spend the night at Adam’s. It was obviously the better option than bringing Adam back here to see a miserable, useless neko in the room. But Dan told himself that he deserved it. He deserved having to spend the night in the cage, deserved being abandoned, deserved everything for being so naive and careless by falling for his owner.

After spending the night trying not to drown in all his negative thoughts and failing, he finally exhausted himself enough to go to sleep. His rest was short-lived however, as Phil actually returned a while later.

He quickly sat back up when he heard footsteps padding towards the room. He listened for a second pair of footsteps, but it seemed like Phil was alone.

He squinted when the lights were turned on, and blinked as he looked up. Phil was staring at him from the doorway, and Dan’s heart ached when he saw the look of disappointment on Phil’s face.

“I’ll have you know,” Phil talked lowly as he approached Dan, “Adam invited me over to his place after dinner but I could never leave you overnight like this.”

Dan didn’t understand. Why, why would Phil rather go back to a dumb neko than spend his anniversary night at his partner’s place? But his heart ached further at the knowledge that Phil actually cared enough to come back for him. He was a merciful Master who wouldn’t leave his pet in a cage for even a night, even though it was common to let nekos spend their whole sad lives caged up. Dan whimpered, Phil was making it harder for him to leave this privileged life and start a new one with some heartless owner.

Phil crouched down to be eye level with Dan. “You ready to talk to me now?” he questioned.

Dan nodded pitifully, sniffling. Phil unlocked the cage, but Dan didn’t move. He remained sat cross legged near the entrance. He did start speaking, though.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Phil asked. When he saw that Dan wasn’t going to move, he sat cross legged at the cage door, facing Dan.

“Why’d you come back when- when you could’ve spent the night with your. Your boyfriend? Why d-do you still care about me? Y-you’re making it harder for me!” Dan stuttered, unable to stop himself from crying again.

“Harder for you? I don’t understand, Dan. Of course I still care about you,” Phil spoke softly, brows furrowed in confusion. He wanted to hug Dan, but Dan didn’t look like he wanted any physical contact in that moment.

“Stop,” Dan sniffled, “just st-stop pretending already, I know I’m. I’m just a slave and. I’m a useless one and- and. Does no one want to buy me? Is that why? Nobody wants to take me off your hands?”

Phil was stunned by what he just heard. “Dan...” he began, but Dan wasn’t finished.

“I’m sorry, Master,” he stopped crying; it was easy when he finally accepted his fate, “Sorry because I tried to be a good pet for you, but I wasn’t good enough. Sorry I’m just wasting your space and time here now. Sorry for making you care for me even though you don’t need me anymore.”

“Dan-”

“I’m sorry you have to spend your anniversary night here, with a lousy neko. I should spend the night in the cage, it’s what I deserve,” Dan continued, speaking so fast he lost his breath.

He paused and looked up into Phil’s eyes, and was surprised to see that Phil was tearing up.

“Dan,” Phil shook his head and gently placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, “listen here. I love you, Dan. Okay, it may not be the same way I love Adam, but I still love and care for you so much. You are still more important to me than he is, even if it’s our anniversary. You think you’re being replaced by Adam? No, honey, no. You’ll never be replaced, I’ll never sell you off, understand?”

Phil stroked Dan’s cheek, and the touch calmed Dan slightly as he leaned into it.

“And you don’t deserve to be punished for longer than necessary, okay, no neko deserves that. Nekos don’t deserve to be slaves, and I’d never take advantage of you or treat you as just a servant. You are a good pet, you’re my good pet. I may not need you to “serve” me anymore, but I still want you. Your personality, your company. Your warmth, the way your dimples appear when I make you smile. I still want all of that, how could I ever throw all of that away- throw you away?”

Dan had slowly moved to sit in Phil’s lap as Phil spoke. Phil cradled Dan and swayed them slowly, feeling Dan’s tail wrap around his waist.

“You’re amazing, Dan. And I’m sorry, too. I’m so sorry for neglecting you the past month. I’m sorry for not sharing with you about Adam sooner, I should’ve eased you into it instead of just breaking the news to you the way I did. I haven’t been the best owner recently, but I promise I’ll take care of you. Just because Adam’s in the picture now doesn’t mean I would forget you.”

Dan smiled for the first time since he knew about Adam, and Phil was happy to see his dimples again. Dan looked up at Phil, his eyes glimmering with adoration. Phil smiled back and kissed his forehead.

“If you’re not fond of Adam, I understand. But I hope you’ll warm up to him. He really likes you, you know?” Phil said hopefully.

“He does? Even though I never talked to him?” Dan said, amused.

“Mm-hmm,” Phil nodded vigorously.

Six months later

“Wake up, sleepyhead.”

“Mmphh,” Dan groaned, curling around the warm body next to him tighter.

“It’s your turn to make breakfast!”

“Urghhh why can’t Adam do it!” Dan grumbled, headbutting the shoulder next to him.

“Hey, ‘twas your idea to make it a taking turns thing,” Adam mumbled and pulled the blanket over his head.

Phil chuckled at the sight before him. He would’ve just made breakfast himself, but Dan had insisted that every chore around the house should be done in turns just so he could still feel useful. Even though Phil assured him plenty of times that he was more than okay with having Dan just be the lazy and cute pet in their little family.

After a few more minutes, Dan got up and stumbled his way to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and let his mind wonder. Life is good. He may not be legally free of his slave status, but he is fortunate enough to live with not just one but two Masters who treat him with respect, shower him with love and care and spoil him more than any neko owner out there would.

Dan learned that his purpose in life wasn’t what the training centre brainwashed him into thinking. He wasn’t meant to merely be a servant, he was meant to bring happiness into his little family, to love and be loved. Just because he wasn’t doing what his status requires him to, it doesn’t mean he was of no use; he can still be cherished.

Sure, Phil may not love him the same way he loved Adam, but Phil still loved him and that was enough for Dan. He kept his promise on taking care of him and never leaving him. Dan felt so grateful to have him in his life.

He walked out of the bathroom and saw Adam still sleeping, his boxers still on the floor where it was thrown carelessly the previous night before they had sex. Dan smiled at the memory. He’d learned that the only thing more fun than pleasuring his Master, is getting to pleasure two Masters.

He entered the kitchen and saw Phil leaning against the counter, playing some game on his phone while waiting for the kettle to boil. Phil looked up when he heard Dan come in.

“Finally, you’re up!” Phil exclaimed, “I was about to just make breakfast myself.”

“You know you’re not supposed to do that! It’s my turn,” Dan tried to sound grouchy, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“G’mornin,” Phil smiled back and kissed Dan’s forehead.

Technically, Dan is Phil’s - and now Adam’s - slave. But Dan is also the luckiest neko in the world.

I originally wanted to end it with angst where Dan actually does get sold off but. I can’t imagine Phil to be that heartless haha and I don’t like sad endings either so yay for happy ending ^^

[manyothermusingsofmine]

7 ways of building trust || CM Drabble || Part 1

Listen it took me like a month to write this so editing is probably blah but just take it I want this off my hands. Split into two parts for reading convenience.

Summary: Cleo is trying to adjust to each member of the team, and learns in a not really chronological order that each one of them has their own way of making her feel comfortable and valued.

I.  Hotch

“Has anyone seen Dewitt?”

The team fell silent, looking at each other as if to figure out where she was through nonverbal communication alone. While it wasn’t fully uncommon for one of them to be a bit later, this would be a first for the latest edition to the team; Cleo still felt like there was a lot she had to prove. However, the thought process of the team was interrupted as the sound of quick clicking heels drew near.

“Sir, we have a problem,” Garcia said to Hotch the moment she entered the room, quickly setting down her bag. “You mean that we’re one person short? Did Dewitt not show up for work?” “Oh, no, she showed up alright-“ Garcia was interrupting from loud coughing that came from a little further down the hall. “That noise, that I imagine is an artistic interpretation of a sea lion with a bad cold, is agent Dewitt. Sir, she is sick, but she’s insisting on coming along for the case.”

Hotch looked at Garcia for a moment, quickly judging the severity of the situation before getting up and excusing himself, instructing the team to go on with the briefing as he spoke to the other agent, and to brief him when they got onto the plane. Garcia hadn’t been exaggerating as Hotch soon found out: Not only was Cleo coughing up a storm, she was also exhausted and shaking on her legs from the small steps up to the hallway that lead to the briefing room. And she really wanted to go along on the case like this? Hotch just looked at her, their eyes meeting momentarily before Cleo had another coughing fit.

“I appreciate your diligence towards your work, Dewitt, but you’re not serious about not sitting this case out, are you?” Hotch asked, sternly in the way only he could be while still caring for her wellbeing. “I can work,” she managed to bring out between coughs, as Aaron calmly placed the back of his hand against her forehead to feel that she was burning up among anything else. “Please, just let me-“ “Agent Dewitt. You are allowed to have sick days. I urge you to take one. Not only can you not give the full hundred percent I need from you on a case, but with the jet flight I also risk having the entire team fall ill if you come along. Do you want me to arrange a ride home for you?” “… Yes, sir.” “Good. Call me when you’re feeling better. Get well soon, Dewitt.” “Yes, sir.”

II. Garcia

“Listen, I know you’ve been snooping around in my files!”

Cleo was almost fuming about the whole situation, anger boiling somewhere deep within the pit of her stomach as she stared down the technical analyst, who wasn’t about to let her win the debate on this either.

“I had a very good reason to!” “What could possibly be the reason for you to snoop around in my files?!”

Morgan opened the door after hearing the argument, only to slowly back out of Garcia’s room and close the door again. It really wasn’t a good idea to get involved right now.

“Look, I always want to know what kind of people we get on the team. You’re new, and I don’t just let anyone go with my family, they-”

Penelope halted, her eyes widening in shock as she suddenly saw the tears that were gleaming in the other woman’s eyes. Oh no, she hadn’t meant to make her cry or upset over this. Her curiosity about Cleo’s files had only been because she got nervous with chance and honestly there wasn’t even anything bad in Cleo’s files; if anything it had eased her nerves about the whole situation

“Cleo, I-“ “I know I’m not part of the family in your eyes, but you don’t have to be so obvious about it,” Cleo said between clenched jaws before turning around and leaving the room, slamming the door behind her hard enough to make everyone in the bull pit look up at her. She ignored them, avoiding Rossi on her path to the elevator so she could leave for home. It was only then that Morgan entered Garcia’s little room, immediately reaching over to her to wipe away her tears.

“That wasn’t really your best action, baby girl.” “What have I done? I really didn’t mean to upset her, Derek.” “I know. But she doesn’t know that. In her eyes, you just breached her privacy for no reason.” “So what do I do now?” “Make it up to her, Garcia style.”

Cleo arrived to her work grumpy that morning, wanting to drop her bag on her desk when she noticed a basket was there instead. She paused, quietly setting her bag on the chair before taking the note attached to the basket.

I am sorry for snooping in your files. Consider this a late “welcome to the family” present. I hope you like home-made brownies. ~Penelope

Cleo sighed, placing the letter down before going to Garcia and knocking on the door.

“Come in!” Garcia chirped, immediately less upbeat and more nervous when Cleo came in. She eased up a little when Cleo gave a small smile.

 “I prefer muffins over brownies, but brownies are good too. Thank you.” “You’re welcome. … Are you still mad with me?” “Mhh. Promise not to snoop in my files unless you have a good reason to?” “Promise. Word of honour.” “Then I forgive you. And Garcia? …. Welcome to the family present?” “Yes! You can definitely be part of this family, if you want to.”

 She smiled as she saw Cleo’s gaze soften, happy to have made a difference

 III. Rossi

With quiet contempt David watched the suspect from behind the double sided glass, seemingly paying no mind to the other FBI agent from his team who was standing there as well. This particular suspect had been very adamant in stating he only wanted to talk to the male FBI agents and that was precisely what was irritating him so much. But, this could turn into an opportunity.

“Cleo. You’re going in” “Ah- what- me?” Cleo asked, almost in shock, “But- he isn’t going to listen to anything I have to ask-“ “He is a suspect to a crime and any FBI agent has the right to question him. Half of the world’s population doesn’t stop existing because he decides to be an arrogant misogynist. You’re going to question him, and you’re not going to let him win this fight by talking over you. Understood?”

She swallowed thickly, nerves flaring up as she tried to shake them off and walk into the interrogation room. Within moments of sitting down the angered suspect had already insulted her intelligence twice, but she decided to ignore it.

“Was that really such a good idea? He isn’t giving her any kind of opportunity to talk,” Reid said, fidgeting a little.

“She needs to hold her own,” David insisted, gently holding onto Reid’s arm when the younger man muttered something about going in to help when another truckload of verbal abuse was unloaded upon his colleague. Dave just gestured for him to look as Cleo sat back and crossed her arms in front of her chest, watching the man until his own rant had exhausted him.

“Are you done?” “Listen, you bitch-“ “No, you listen!”

David smirked, watching the suspect flinch in surprise at the blonde’s sudden outburst.

“I didn’t come here to sit and argue biology with some asshole who believes my brain is somehow directly linked and influenced by my genitalia. You’re here because you’re the prime suspect in three homicides and you better give me a damn good reason as to why else your DNA could be found on three separate crime scenes! Furthermore, you better get of the high horse you’ve set yourself upon, or I’ll add insulting an officer to your growing list of offenses! Did I make myself perfectly clear?!”

“Yes…” “Yes, what?” “Yes, Madam.”

The interview went as smoothly as possibly could with a suspect who wasn’t talking much, but Cleo still left the interrogation room feeling strangely proud of herself, and shooting a smile at Rossi who was calmly looking back at her.

“Good job, Cleo. I knew you had it in you.”

 IV. Jareau

JJ just looked on with slight amusement as her colleague was staring at a picture of her family, seemingly unaware that the one she was looking for was standing right in the door way. It was only when Cleo looked up and did a double take that she realised she had been caught.

“Ah, sorry, I just- I wanted to ask you something, JJ, but-“ “But the picture of my family was distracting?” “… Yes. Your son is adorable.”

They both smiled, with JJ calmly rummaging through the files to give Cleo the ones she needed to finish up a rapport.

“What is your family like, Cleo?” she asked, and immediately regretted it as the other’s facial expression told her it was a sensitive point. “Well.. to make a long story short I only really have a bond with my uncle on mother’s side. He practically raised me. He’s really all I have.”

“I’m sorry.” “Don’t be. You couldn’t have known,” Cleo said with a small, assuring smile, keeping the files close to her chest as she moved towards the door. JJ thought for a moment.

“Cleo? You have another family, you know? … All of us. We’re here for you. The team is practically like family, anyway.”

Cleo just looked at her, a glimmer of hope mixed with tears in her eyes as she nodded.

“I… I know. I’m glad. The team is the best family anyone could ask for..”

[celebratorypenguin]

Fic: Don’t Cry, Young Lovers (1/4)

Rating: R (sexual situations, non-graphic descriptions of past violence, language) McLennon (DUH...)

Greetings yet again from Overused Trope Land! This time we're with our boys in Paris, spending someone's hard-earned pay John's 21st birthday money. (Sorry, Paul, I love you but “Two Of Us” is NOT ABOUT LINDA.)

This is a work of fiction. The character of Sylvie/Sarah is based on and dedicated to the mother of one of my childhood friends. May she be remembered for blessing.

Anyway, this is the first of four parts. The story is mostly complete but needs editing, which is my least-favorite part. I’m hoping that exposing Part 1 in public will light a fire under my slothful self. ::lights match::

Don't Cry, Young Lovers

 Paris October, 1961

  The City of Lights was so much more beautiful, more bohemian, more enticing, more MORE, than either John or Paul could have imagined.

 Once they set foot in Paris and made their way through the winding cobblestone streets in search of cheap lodgings and cheaper food, they fell deeply in love with the city and began looking for excuses not to venture further to Spain.

 John's birthday money wasn't enough to allow them to travel in style, but it did get them a small, clean room with a window that let them look out on the glories of autumn. Paul's worries about sharing the tiny bed dissipated when John threw the window open and let in the crisp, rain-washed breezes.

 "The city smells alive," John remarked as he clambered up on the windowsill to get a better view.

 Paul, busily emptying his little suitcase and storing his few possessions neatly in the cupboard, simply smiled in agreement. He was a bit road-weary, particularly from having to do all the polite chit-chat with the drivers who'd been kind enough to give them lifts, but his heart had not been so light in years.

 John had chosen him. Not Cynthia, not Stuart, but Paul. And, amazingly, Paul's father had acquiesced to the trip with fewer dire predictions than anyone could have anticipated. He'd even pressed ten quid into his son's hands, "just in case."

 It was, Paul thought as he turned his suitcase on end to use as a night table, probably a sign that something was about to go terribly wrong.

 "Hey there." John's voice broke through Paul's musings. "Quit being a housewife for a few minutes and look at this." John beckoned toward the window. It wasn't large enough to seat them both, so Paul settled for peering over John's shoulders at the narrow streets below. It wasn't a grand part of town, of course, but it had a certain shabby charm that absolutely failed to remind him of Hamburg in any way, shape, or form.

 Score one for Paris, then.

 Squirming a bit on the hard ledge, John stuffed his glasses back in his jacket and turned to Paul. "What should we seek out first - food or booze?"

 "Food. Absolutely, food." Paul's words were punctuated by a loud rumble in his stomach.

 John's laughter was intoxicating. He hopped down and mussed Paul's hair. "Can't deprive a growing boy, now, can we? Let's take a walk."

 Following John was as natural as breathing. Paul patted his pockets, reassuring himself that he had both his camera and his wallet, as he strode quickly to keep up with John's long-legged gait. The scenery was so interesting that John was actually wearing his glasses. Looking around him swallowed up all Paul's attention, resulting in his foot slipping on one of the damp cobblestones. John reacted quickly, wrapping an arm around Paul's waist and steadying him. "Watch your step - can't have you breaking an ankle, now, can we?"

 "I'm not a fucking racehorse," Paul grumbled, but the warmth of John's body next to his was a solid, comforting familiarity in a strange place.

 They wandered aimlessly through the twisting streets until the scent of freshly-baked bread seduced them into a cozy boulangerie. Proud to show off his French, Paul ordered bread and tea for them both and reached for his wallet to pay. John stopped him with a firm hand on Paul's wrist.

 "Nope, I'm buying," he declared as he handed francs to the old woman behind the counter.

 "But I have money," protested Paul.

 "And now you have food and you still have money. It's a miracle!" John reached to take his change from the woman, and Paul saw him pull a face.

 "What?" Paul whispered, but John shushed him. The boys took their food and cups of tea and went to a vacant table by the window.

 "She has Mickey Mouse hands," John stage-whispered when they were settled.

 Paul gaped blankly at him.

 John held up his hands and tucked his index fingers behind his thumbs. "Only four fingers on each hand. No, don't turn around, you numpty!"

 Paul stopped himself. "That's weird," he said before taking a huge bite out of his bread. It was hot with a perfectly crisp crust, the inside so soft and flaky that adding butter would be a desecration.

 Evidently John felt the same, because he managed to smile blissfully whilst chewing.

 Their repast wasn't going to last long at this rate, so Paul concentrated on his tea and broke off only one tiny piece of bread at a time. He gazed out the window at the pedestrians and pigeons, none of whom seemed to be in a hurry.

 He liked that very much.

 After a few minutes, Paul examined the interior of the shop. Glass cases displayed every kind of sweet and savory baked good he'd ever seen and quite a few that were mysteries to him. Half a dozen tables, draped with mismatched, spotless cotton cloths, dotted the floor. But what drew Paul's attention was the mahogany spinet in the corner.

 His fingers twitched. He'd gone two days already without touching an instrument - he had grudgingly consented to John's demand that they leave their guitars at home - and he longed to make the lovely, lonely instrument sing for him.

 John followed Paul's line of sight. He shook his head in mock exasperation. "Honestly, are you conisdering cheating on your guitar with that tart of a piano?"

 Paul, whose body was almost aching with the need for music, chose to shoot the bird at John rather than give a verbal response.

 Leaning forward in his chair, John snatched the last of the bread from Paul's plate with a triumphant grin. "Hey!" protested Paul, "I wasn't finished yet!"

 "You know what they say: if you eat slowly, you eat less." John tore the morsel in half and brought one piece to Paul's lips.

 Paul considered nipping the finger along with the bread, but literally biting the hand that fed him seemed ridiculous. He sighed as he allowed John to pop the bread in his mouth, his gaze still focused on the piano.

 "We couldn't very well bring both guitars along, and we can't share, now, can we, since you need yours upside-down?"

 It shouldn't have stunned Paul that John was reading his mind. It happened far too frequently to have any element of surprise left, yet every time they finished one another's thoughts, Paul felt a tiny jolt like an electrical charge.

 The same charge went through him whenever John touched him, as he did now when he leaned forward to flick a crumb from the corner of Paul's downturned mouth. "Are you still hungry?" John asked.

 "No," Paul lied, but the hesitation in his voice didn't fool John at all.

 "Let's get you something else," he offered.

 "I'm not hungry."

 "Rubbish. And if I take you back to England looking like a starving waif, your dad will have my guts for garters!"

 "John, I'm fine, really, just let me finish the tea and--"

 Out of the corner of his eye Paul saw a plate with four piping-hot croissants being set on their table. He realized that he was looking directly at the old woman's deformed hand, then averted his gaze with a guilty start and began to sputter. "Ce ne sont, uh, pas, uh, le nôtre...n'avons, uh, pas d'argent..."

 "I speak English," the woman said kindly, circumventing the need for Paul's schoolboy French. Her voice was accented in a language Paul didn't recognize. "Please, they are old and must not go to waste."

 Paul opened his mouth to protest - the food was clearly fresh from the oven - but John interrupted. "That's very nice, thank you." His voice was soft, free from jest or sarcasm, which left Paul as curious as he was ravenous.

 When the woman smiled, Paul was surprised to realize that she wasn't as old as she seemed. She was probably in her early forties; her prematurely gray hair and the scars on her hands had been deceptive. Paul could see that John was not looking at her face but her arm, and when he glanced over he could see some crudely tattooed numbers just below the crook of her elbow.

 When John kicked his ankle under the table and made a "you're embarrassing me" face, Paul realized that he was staring. He forced his gaze upward again and said, "Merci - thank you very much" as the woman walked away.

 Unusually sober-faced, John sat utterly still for several moments, not touching the food but regarding it with a strangely abstracted expression. "What?" asked Paul around a mouthful of croissant.

 "You saw it," was John's terse answer, and Paul knew he meant the tattoo rather than the scarring. "I've heard about them, but I've never seen one. Shit." John ran his hands through his hair until it nearly stood on end. "Jesus, that's just wrong."

 Paul turned the words over in his mind for a few moments before the realization dawned. They'd been numbered with tattoos in concentration camps, the Jews and  everyone else HItler had wanted to kill. "So she's..."

 "Yeah."

 Paul's chest felt tight. He struggled to swallow, washing the food down with a gulp of the cooling tea. He'd heard his relatives talk in horrified whispers, their voices kept low "to spare the children," but it had never seemed real to him. To boys his age, the war was a dim memory, kept alive by the shadows of rationing and poverty that were only now beginning to lift.

 "And I thought it was a drag that we couldn't get sugar," John said, completing Paul's thoughts yet again. He picked up a croissant and began to eat it. "We've led pretty charmed lives by comparison, haven't we?"

 "I'd never thought of it that way." Paul knew he sounded as dazed as he felt. His life hadn't felt charmed, not since his mother's illness and death followed by his family's slide toward impoverished gentility, and he certainly wouldn't describe John's life that way. But compared to this woman and the story they'd only seen on the surface, Paul and John were princes of the realm.

 They finished their food, rising to thank the woman - the lady, Paul corrected himself in his head - before setting out to find enough cheap red wine to keep them merrily tipsy for the rest of the evening. John procured two bottles from a nearby shop and handed one to Paul.

 "What should we do tomorrow?" John asked.

 Paul, who wanted to "see the sights" without knowing exactly what they were, shrugged. "Up to you. It's your birthday party, you know."

 "Best birthday ever, and I haven't even had it yet," John said with a wide smile. "There are bohemian delights galore here, and wine to drink our health with. What else could two young, adventuresome lads ask for?"

 "A girl who won't give me the clap," Paul said archly. The rest of the group had never, ever let him hear the end of the Hamburg debacle so he tended to bring it up himself to lessen the painful inevitability.

 The sparkle in John's eyes dimmed somewhat. Surprised, Paul raised an eyebrow at him but John turned away and was silent for the rest of the walk back to their hotel.

 They climbed the narrow, dark staircase and opened the door to their room. John had left the window slightly open to freshen the air, and now the room was far cooler than Paul could have wished. He shivered a bit and drew his jacket more tightly around himself. "Mind if I shut the window? Getting a bit brisk in here."

 "Be my guest," John said in a listless tone as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

 Paul had no idea how in the world he could have offended his mercurial friend, but he knew better than to ask. He closed the window gently instead, then he took a seat next to John and slung one arm around his shoulders. "I know I'm your guest, and don't think for a moment that I'm not grateful, 'cause I really, really am."

 John blinked at him a few times, then shook himself from head to toe like a dog emerging from a puddle. "Sorry, I'm just knackered. Don't mind me." He set his bottle of wine on the floor next to the bed. "I'll save it for tomorrow, I think. Gonna turn in, maybe get an early start in the morning."

 Despite residual anxiety about John's changing moods, Paul got to his feet and went to the cupboard to get his pyjamas. He changed quickly, shivering with the cold. In his peripheral vision he could see John doing the same and then rushing to the sink to clean his teeth. Paul followed suit, taking care to wash his face carefully as well. It wouldn't do to get a pimple during such a grown-up adventure.

 By the time he finished, John had rearranged the covers and pillows on the bed to make one little nest for each of them. Top-and-tail. John surveyed his handiwork with a frown. "I've seen bigger postage stamps. I'm liable to get your foot in my face all night long, smelling of God knows what."

 "My feet are daisies compared to yours." Paul knew that his new-found devotion to hygeine was the laughingstock of his bandmates, so he used it to toss a bone to John, to get him to laugh.

 It worked. John's sour face crumbled and he favored Paul with a genuine smile as he snuggled down under the covers. "Night, then."

 "Good night, Johnny." Paul crawled into his little space and twisted around, trying to find a comfortable position that didn't encroach on John's area. Given that they were two long-legged boys trying to share one narrow bed, his efforts met with no success. Every time he drifted off, a bony ankle would connect sharply with his ear, or he'd feel John swat at his shins.

 It was also cold, far colder than Paul had expected, and he began to shiver.

 He felt a shift in the bed and bedclothes. When he opened his eyes, there was John, leaning over him. "Best come up here with me," John said, a little quickly, adding, "There's only one proper blanket anyway, and it's too cold in here to fuss about your modesty."

 Relieved that he might actually get some sleep, Paul moved his pillow next to John's and curled up on his side with John behind him. John was always a few degrees warmer than most people, so he was like a living, breathing hot water bottle, albeit one with pointy elbows. As Paul relaxed into slumber, he was dimly aware of John tucking the bedspread around him and whispering something into his ear that was too soft to understand.

 ***

[beneathmyboughs]

30 Facts: Yuji Matsumoto Edition!

Since this is a new kid coming in like, halfway through, here have some facts!

1. Yuji Matsumoto does in fact identify as male, and at this point can no longer use the nonbinary bathrooms. Tough luck, boi.

2. When he talks, his hands gesture much more dramatically than is merited, and his facial expression and tone of voice may not always match up especially when he’s trying to be chipper. This comes from ages of manipulating Piney’s expressions by hand and voice, without his real face coming into play. He gets embarrassed when it’s pointed out, and tucks his hands away.

3. If Yuji tucks his hands on or near his face, he’s feeling vulnerable and more specifically threatened. A good tell for if you want to see if he’s going to start closing up clamlike.

4. Some quick fast food facts:

Fav Meal: Udon

Fav drink: Green Tea (I’d say matcha but n a h, he likes the cheap stuff)

Fav snack: Soy sauce flavored rice crackers

Fav desert: Custard Pudding

Fav festival food: Kakigori (sweet) and Yakisoba (savory)

5. Thrifty doesn’t even BEGIN to describe this guy. Everything is reused and reused and reused, and DIY is common enough with him. Expect him to let out a noise of terror at any wasted items.

6. Yuji considers fast food like Mcdonalds (which is honestly a tad more expensive in Japan) to be ‘friday night treat’ material.  If you took him to even a nice-ish alehouse he might die on the spot.

7. In universe, Yuji’s hair is a normal shade of hair as opposed to dyed--it would translate over best as ‘black with a greenish tint’. 

8. Short list of weird things Yuji cannot stand: Firecrackers, Elvis, Falco from Star Fox, tattoos and sauce packets (this also goes for bagged food. “It’s so SLIMY”). 

9. Short list of weird things Yuji actually likes: hard candy (he’ll hoard them, and take anyone’s ‘green flavors’ if they don’t want them. Oh gee, wonder why he’d want G R E E N dryad squad), coffee caked on the inside of mugs, hair (on the head that is--he thinks it’s beautiful, and completely natural so near anyone can have it), cockroaches (slugs too, general crawlies--they don’t bug him, ehehe).

10. Yuji will occasionally reach for something or type on his phone, then do something weird as hell with his hands like try to use the sides or scrunch his fingers for no good reason and overshoot his objective. An inside look at how he held things with gloves it seems. Similarly, sometimes he walks weird and overshoots his footing--those big shoes are likely to blame.

11. If you ever walk in on Yuji alone, you better expect there’s SOMETHING set up to make noise or otherwise alert in his nearby area. Wooden lids suspended in the crack of the door, temporarily ductaping a door shut, ect...by this point it’s not even worth keeping a secret, this man temporarily booby traps any area he’s in by himself. Remains of the cleanup or the direct results of a trap have probably been experienced by most of the kids here.

12. He is...still not wearing pants, much of the time. The boxers mainly. As of this past trial though, sometimes he can be seen wearing jeans when he’s out in rougher areas like the woods or something. Still no shoes though. He double layers those socks though...? This is sad.

13. He’ll freeze up if you try to ask him for a personal preference. Like, candy or cookies better? Favorite color? Ect. He goes deer in the headlights. 

On that note,  Yuji’'s spent a lot of time soaking things up from the mascot environment he worked in--even during that time he was going from hotel to hotel and accepting whatever bits and pieces he found. This means he couldn’t tell you what kind of music he likes, but he could sing you the entirety of the latest Hatsune Miku concert from heart. Not that he WOULD but...

14. If people trash their food before they finish their plate, people who stick around might catch him fish it out of the trash and either finish it off or cook it into something new. Yuji, swear to God.

15. Yuji considers his experiences as Piney the experiences and actions of a separate person and dislikes the idea that specifically he reflects on Piney; rather than consider him a character he played he considers Piney ‘their own separate and genuine tree.’ He still has every memory he made as Piney of course--which makes it weird when he can relay his experiences dining at Michelin star restaurants but gets intimidated by an Applebees.

16. Oh boy. Yuji and...electronics. He’s not....a hermit? As in, he knows most of this stuff he’s not genuinely pastoral...but this man does not know how to work a snapchat. In fact he’s never so much as fiddled with any apps but the notebook and photo app. Overwatch is literally the only viddygame he knows how to play, and he does so nigh religiously now that the Overwatch Club introduced it to him. 

17. Hypothetically, once Yuji got over his confused feelings for Starbucks, the green tea lattes and their iced equals would be a revelation. And while he’d eat anything he got, he wouldn’t be particularly fond of any of the foods on offer sans the Madeline cakes and Hawaiian Bagel. 

18. Sometimes he just starts crying. Like, not loudly, and not show stopping, but sometimes he just starts getting his sniffle on. More often than not, this is a good sign though; happy group activities are the worst offender for this.

19. Yuji’s favorite hang outs, should you need to find him anywhere specific, are the Adventure Park (he even has some Gabu Gabu merch now!), the Ramen Shop (fixed it up and restocked so it’s ready for business) and the Home Ec room (Overwatch and, as of Chapter 8, weird...fanfiction. Do not look for his on computer account.). Please don’t note that to him though--he’ll spook and try to change up his patterns.  

20. Yuji is actually not a bad singer! If you can drag him into a karaoke situation, catch him pullin out his voice claim! 

21. Apparently now that he’s out of suit, he’s more willing to share a few trade secrets. For example, according to him he was the only one of the mascots who was manned by only one ‘friend’, and most of the others had interchangeable buddies specialized in whatever the mascot needed to do for the variety show episode. This was everything from cooking to acrobatics to even ex soldiers for extreme stuntman activity. Apparently out of pity or respect, some of these guys gave the tree some variety lessons to help make life a little easier for him.

22. Yuji’s real birthday is actually on May 4th. This is the same day as Japanese Arbor day, as well as the same birthday as the famous fictional detective, Shinichi Kudo.

23. As Ryouji respawned with his own non-blood splattered necklace, Yuji has the original blood splattered one still. Now he’s no longer in suit though he wears it around his neck and tucked under his shirt collar rather than on his far less protected wrist. 

24. Yuji’s terrible about gaining crushes on people quickly and holding onto them for a long time. His list (with varying intensity) for this crew has been:

- Ryouji (big time)

- Charmayne (big time)

- Ebull

- Hanako

- Tomoka (for .5 seconds at a time)

- Madoka (on first impressions alone)

- Kazuko (if not full blown at LEAST on the rise)

There is also the moderate threat of Tadashi joining this list, and an honorable mention for Ailani who was never crushed on but WAS friend-crushed on (wanting to be her friend) and Ryan who is not crushed on but HAS caused some stupid sexy flanders moments for the guy (some unbidden dokis). 

Yuji makes a point of crushing, even loving, very unobtrusively though--it’s perfectly possible to remain friends with him even if he’s crushing on you and never have it Become Business. So no worries or obligations there!

25. For the ‘super Japanese foods’, Yuji’s very on board for eating eel, squid, seaweed, mentaiko, ikura, and even natto and as far as sanshouo (rarely, he feels a little bad about it but it does remind him of Spirited Away). However, he won’t touch Horse meat, ume and takoyaki (the last one not for the flavor, but for a moral respect for the octopus. He’ll have hotdog substitute though!) 

26. Yuji has a soft spot for french bakeries. For a lot of his time living by his seams in Ikebukuro, steals from the French style bakeries dumpsters were by far the best meals. He feels like he personally owes them a lot, even if Udon will forever be his true love.

27. If you’re new to Japan and want to try all the holes in the wall without running into anything illicit, Yuji’s pretty handy to bring along for the ride. He can sniff out the difference between a “snack bar” and a yakuza run “Snaku Bar” by sign font alone and fear alone. More than anything though he knows Ikebukuro specifically, especially close to the train station, like the back of his hand. 

28. This guy has an odd little kind of ‘eclectic spiritualism’ that mixes standard casual Buddist and Shinto stuff with some personal rituals, magical thinking and fascination with fantastical energies like Japanese Youkai and Western Tarot. More than anything though, this is a very casual system that focuses on a strict and hands on calculated version of Karma. Give and take, pay your literal dues, receive fortune and punishment as you earn it. 

This has contributed to ‘totem collecting’ from what he can find to represent the dead students, feeling that holding them safe will in turn grant safety to them in the afterlife--or now, outside of the sim. As Piney he was never allowed to admit to endorsing nor holding a religion, so now while he won’t go parading it around it isn’t so much a secret anymore.   

29. Yuji’s verbal tone is a sliding scale. The more nervous he gets the more youthful he sounds, at his worst off channeling Scooby Doo’s Shaggy with full voice crack and warble. You can tell he’s at his most stable when he stops fidgeting, plants his feet and starts calling people ‘kid.’ At that point he’s got a near gruff tone that sounds a tad Adachi-esque. His middleground is like, a disgruntled and fashion blind version of Vincent from Catherine, about. 

30. HIS favorite mascot? Either Purin the Dog from Saniro or Funashi. Purin is a good design he’s personally weak towards, but Funashi is an inspiration. He’d say “With that expressive waist hoop and the thin cloth making it easy to move around, that must be one hell of a fun set up to play with.” 

[wishingfornever]

9/10/17 – Heavy Contact:  Perpetual Slumber

I crave… so much.  I crave you, I crave sugar, I crave alcohol… right now, I just want to indulge.  I’m so hungry.  T-T

It’ll be worth it.  When I’m not fantasizing about fitting an entire cake in my mouth, I’m thinking about the dream children we had together. Isn’t that fucking dumb?  It sounds dumb, even to me.  I mean, let’s be honest: I’d be the world’s greatest father.  Nothing wrong with my fathering abilities at all.  You’d be somewhat mediocre, obviously.  ;) Kidding, kidding.  Still, it’s weird.  Cynthia.  Such a strange name.  I’m not sure how I’d feel about it as a name.  It’s kind of blunt, not very fluid.  CynTHia. I don’t like that “Th” sound.  Maybe there is some sort of cute pet name that would be more sufficient. I don’t know why but my dreams have been more… vivid as of late.  I try to pay attention.  I don’t think they mean anything, I mean Las Vegas could never flood.  I’ve been there.  The communist thing in Paris might be symbolic but it’s kind of… meh.  I don’t think they mean anything but the cat having a voice and then sort of possessing you was super scary.  Btw, it’s currently 12:05.  Been writing since midnight struck so, yeah.  Hi again, it’s me basically from the same day.

Whatever… Jer and I will be talking to each other tomorrow via voice chat.  Or today, I guess.  I want to get some writing done, so I hope I will. I’m going to try and finish it to the best of my ability.  I’ll have Jer read it, but the thing is he can’t edit it if he reads it unless I’m there.  It’s not hands on.  Worse yet, my grammar is probably the best among all my friends.

That sucks.  If I have to rely on someone I know to edit, they’ll be inferior to my own designs.  And I will be biased because I can miss my mistakes. There is no justice in the world.  I think I’m going to cave and just grab something to eat; hopefully something small and light in calories.  After the food from Mazatlan Grill, I am pushing it for calories.  But, it… should be healthy.  Healthier, at least.  Thing about Mexican food is that there are a lot of veggies.  That’s why it was considered a gift from god by the pope, because it has all the food groups and is relatively balanced and super delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck, I’m hungry.  Brb

You won’t be able to guess what I found in the fridge.  Unless you do. Not the point!  The point is, I found MEXICAN FOOD!!!  Like there were several tacos, fully loaded with big tortillas.  I just grabbed one and slapped in the microwave for 2 minutes and left with that, a banana, and a bottle of water.  It’s cool because we were just talking about how great Mexican food is.  There was sour cream, no cheese.  Also beef.  So, I assume it was relatively high in… CALORIES!!!  Yeah, that happens.  Banana was good.  Super sweet and I might get another one.

I feel so much better.  I’m trying not to pig out, but food is just amazing.  So is this water.  Everything just tastes better right now. Thanks, Cynthia. ;)

You know, it’s occurred to me that you may be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “Ooooooh, I see.  You’re crazy, huh?”  It occurred to me when I started this.  In reality, this has helped me cope.  I never understood why people had journals but it’s sort of relieving.  Then again, I intend for my journal to be read.

A little ironic, my book began as an After-Action Report (AAR) which is basically RP updates about your game.  My character was… Diego!  Go figure.  It was part of this mod for Mount and Blade: Warband.  This mod is based in 1809 (a year after my book starts) and I was playing in Prussia.  Diego will be going to Prussia.  And, of course, he had a JOURNAL and that’s how I did the AAR.  It was pretty popular.  He was sort of a cynic which is what I plan to have him become in the second book.  Spoilers, btw. All the characters were made there.  Some had different names like Sarvar but same general concept.  Atlas was supposed to be evil-ish.  Avdotya didn’t stray too far from her source material.  It’s ironic, eh?

Oof. Might have pigged out a little bit.  Grabbed myself another burrito + banana + water.  I feel so stuffed but I’m sooooooo happy.  I’ll make up for it this week.  It was loaded with bellpeppers and onions. But this had beef… and cheese.  I might have thrown it together and gone a little bit too deep.  Kinda regretting not exercising yesterday, but I was a little saddened by your response.

Not your fault; I just wasn’t ready for it.

You, know, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a political book detailing all the dumb crap the US does.  It’s bound to sell if it’s “edgy” enough.  Maybe I’ll do that instead of the second book…  Of which, I need to change the order around.  Sarvar is now third and Atlas is second.  So, the next book will begin with Atlas’s story.  It’s better chronologically and it’d probably have far more action and will be before Atlas begins to shoulder everything.

That said, the sweat pants I have.  Gonna wear them and exercise today. Those pants though were given to me by Daniel.  Again, super nice guy.  He was talking about a few dark things yesterday and sort of hinted.  I hope you’re keeping an eye on him.

So, I see you left Regional Alliance for the Communist Bloc.  Which is interesting.  During the second nuclear war, I made a few allies within their ranks.  Unfortunately, you probably think I kicked Dennis because I was being petty.  Maybe.  However, someone noticed his currency was child pornography.  Thus, in order to save face I took it upon myself as the most vocal communist state to ban him.

I notice he’s in the Communist Bloc as well… You’re making a bad decision siding with Dennis.  Really bad.  Not just in NationStates but in general.  I noticed you’re still online.  I’m going to probably upset you, but I’m going to ask why you’re siding so much with Dennis.  I see you’re online, so I dropped a message.  I wonder what he’s been telling you. He betrayed me, a friend of 12 years. What makes you think he’d stand by you?  You know he lies.  He’s admitted it.  Is it because you feel sorry for him?  Is it because you’re angry with me? I guarantee, you won’t be happy with him.  My dad kicked me out for a little while before I went to Texas the first time.  Dennis isn’t exactly the most hospitable. If you think I was inactive, you’re in for a treat.  If you think him going to the gym with Daniel is evidence of anything, it’s because of Daniel that he goes.  Without Daniel, he’ll have no drive. But, I’m not concerned.  I know you’ll see this and I know you’ll be disappointed again.  I’m not sure you’ll come back because you might fear “I told you so.”  I wouldn’t bring it up if you did come back, however, so don’t harm yourself further.  If you need help with Dennis, then ask me and I’ll help. Of course, I have no respect for him right now. I’ve began to recall all the SHITTY things he’s done to me, Daniel, and Shane.  I’m bitter and I’m biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant.  I know how he is.  He’s a piece of shit. You’ll see for yourself soon.  I’m not even mad.

I do want to revisit what he told you.  It horrifies me that he was able to turn you against me so easily.  Admittedly, I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I wasn’t the worst boyfriend.  I was inactive. You said it yourself; I felt like a roommate.  I wasn’t mean or cruel to you but you made it seem like I was.  I trust this is because Dennis told you that I’m ready to throw down at a moments notice or some shit.

I’m more into verbal confrontation than physical confrontation.  I don’t need to raise a fist, but I’ll defend myself. I told you about what happened in Texas.  I defended myself each time.  That’s basically the only two fights I’ve gotten in in my adult life.  Not that bad, all things considering.  The reason for each was too much partying.  It wasn’t even me doing the partying for both, I had just gotten off work and came back to fucking drama.

That’s something I wish you weren’t doing.  Partying too much.  I probably won’t stop you from drinking and smoking pot, but I’m not going to endorse it.

You do have a really skewed image of me.  Deny it if you want to, but it’s true.  One of the most traumatizing things since this happened were your wide and confused eyes.  You thought I hated you?  Who gave you that idea?  Me, sitting by myself hating life?  Or was it perhaps Dennis?  Then you thought I was going to hurt Dennis?  You thought I was going to hurt you?

I have a temper, but it’s mostly benign.  I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, but I’d never hurt you out of anger.  I’m not sure I could hurt Dennis either, and I hate him.  Like, literally, as far as I’m concerned the bridges are burned.  But I wouldn’t hit him.  Except when I met him when I came back from Texas the first time, but I didn’t hit him hard.  It was a surprise.  We hugged afterwards. Again, I never hated Dennis until he turned you against me.  I never hated Daniel, either.  I never hated Shane.  I don’t hate many people.

I want to offer you an invitation to Adela’s.  Honestly, I don’t know what you’re going to do.  You made it seem like Texas wasn’t an option anymore.  But, whatever the case, you can still come with me.  You can have window and I’ll try to give you your space.  I’ll try not to talk much.  I didn’t want to message you today or yesterday but idk.  Something told me I should reach out.  I blame those weird dreams.

I’m going to be more active, I guess.  I’m going to try to not mention how bad I feel or felt when talking to you.  I’ll force myself to be cordial, sort of like what you said you were doing while we were in person.  That still hurts, you know?  I forgave you, though, so I’m healing.  I just wish you knew what I forgave you for.

After this sentence, there will be 9585 words in this journal.  I think that includes the number but I’m not sure.  I’m not going to talk about Dennis anymore in today’s entry, so please keep reading.

I couldn’t get much sleep after that dream.  Have a lot of time to think.  Cynthia was such a little brat.  Very annoying.  Could totally be your daughter.  Same shade of hair, with oversized pink glasses.  Honestly, I feel if we did have children they’d have darker hair but who knows?  Our dream son was only a toddler.  Like, either he couldn’t speak yet or he was shy.  Had dark hair and a bowl cut.  Also a nerd.

Hopefully, if we do ever have children, they’ll have my eyesight.  I know you don’t want them but it’s hypothetical, so why not imagine?  Remember how we were talking about names?  Avril was one I was really big on.  I guess you convinced me to go with Cynthia.  Not sure how, but you did it. Probably put it in the contract while I wasn’t looking.  We should probably have a witness when we sign it, just to ensure both our safety. If we do redo the contract, we’ll have to avoid intentionally hiding certain topics.  It was fun for the earlier contracts, but I want us to get serious again.  Hopefully we will be. I’d forgive Dennis for everything if it meant another chance at being your boyfriend.  Not just friend, but boyfriend.  Otherwise, wouldn’t be worth it.  A friend would have helped our relationship, not profit from it.  Thus, we’ll need to get back together before I can forgive him again. Look at that.  I said I wouldn’t talk about Dennis but I did anyways. Really, it’s more talking about us.  His involvement is moot.  Still, said I wouldn’t mention it.  It’s frustrating.  No more after this, I promise.

It’s weird that you needed space from me.  I mean… you had all the space you wanted.  Again, super inactive roommate.  That’s one of the things that has baffled me about this entire affair, but if you need it you’ll get it.  I want to work with you.  Of course, it’s hard to measure progress while you’re away.

What really upset me was it felt like you were making excuses to not finish things.  Like… it was supposed to be Thursday for you to do all these things.  Then Saturday.  Then Wednesday.  I was prepared for you to take your things, but you kept postponing.  I thought I did something wrong because we weren’t talking.  I should have trusted you, but… it’s hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn’t know how to improve on it.

I said a lot of very hurtful things, iirc.  I did hurtful things not just to you but to me.  I suffered from temporary insanity.  I’ve never been this hurt about anything before.  Like… I strangled myself.  I hit myself so hard, I left bruises.  Of course, hole in wall…  I was just feeling hopeless and that there was no one I could turn to.

I feel better now.  Been using this journal to vent.  And I have Daniel.  Sometimes Shane.  Jeremiah has been more available.  Like… my life shattered but things are getting placed back together.  A bit slowly for my tastes, but I’ll work with it. I’d do anything to get you back in my life. You’re the final piece.  You complete me.  It’s hard to get put back together when you’re so opposed to be that final piece.

I think if we got back together, I’d be more protective.  Probably more anal about things.  You’d probably call me “Andrew” but I wouldn’t care.  I’d be livid if you were to cut yourself.  You tell me, “Oh, I just needed to” and I won’t accept that as an answer.  Learning that from you but mostly learning that because you tend to not say what you mean directly.  You’re afraid of confrontation and I forgot about this.  Therefore, you made our break sound vague.  You flatout lied about it.  You hid your cuts from me and then blamed me when it seemed like I didn’t care.

I care.  I always care.  The first time you cut yourself, I kept to myself.  I wanted to cry, really.  I wanted more substance but all I got was “I needed it” and that is a half-assed answer.

After how you treated me… yeah, I’m not surprised that I thought you hated me.  Put yourself in my shoes.  Just for a minute.  Consider how you’ve made me feel. This entire time, I’ve placed myself in your shoes and I’ve tried to reach out.  I thought I was doing what was best, but you did need time and I didn’t give it. When I try to fix something, it becomes my project.  Sitting around waiting… well, it makes me depressed.  Not sure you noticed.  That said, I don’t feel like you’ve been very empathetic. I’m probably going to exercise in a bit.  It’s 7:36 so it’s pretty early.  It’d make up for me pigging out last night and yesterday. Normally, I pig out because… DEPRESSION, go figure but this time I guess I was just super hungry.  And Daniel was paying, so free meal, amirite?  ;)

The girl I was flirting with.  I basically stopped talking to her after I spoke to you on skype yesterday.  Kinda feel bad.  I’ll message her again later today, but it’s not right for me to put people to the side because I’m feeling moody.  If anything, I learned that from how I treated you.

I know I said I was going to exercise, but with minimal sleep, I might try to rest and then exercise when I wake up.  I know, making excuses but it’s cold and I’m feeling tired.  I wish you were here.  A cold bed is best spent with a warm body.  And frankly, there are none warmer than yours.  <3

Cheesy flirt, I know, but you said I should flirt more with you.  I did but you didn’t notice. So, now I have to be ultra obvious.  Like, SO obvious.  It’s not so bad.  Cheesy is good; too bad it’s not going to be a part of my diet soon.

Anyways, I’m going to get some rest.  You’ll probably message me in about two hours and I won’t message you until four probably.  I’ll try to wake up sooner.  I miss you.  I love you.  Talk to me soon, yeah? Good night (or morning).  You’re beautiful.  <3

Can’t sleep.  Too much on my mind I guess.  It happens.  Maybe when everything is over I’ll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time.  As I was saying, you’re welcome to come with me to Texas. Don’t even need to stay at Adela’s.  We can drop you off at Shane’s the next day, if that’s alright.  Thing is, we’re waiting for the hurricanes to pass and for the flooding to clear.  As soon as that’s done, I’m getting a ticket and I’m out of here. With or without you.

I miss our relationship in Adela’s. You say I was always on my computer but what I remember was us doing dishes together, running around the neighborhood, doing little things.  I miss that.  Here?  Can’t do that here.  It’s a black hole.  I hate it here.  My sister didn’t come over yesterday, btw. It’s nice because she’s such a hassle.  My dad can be too but he’s been rather impartial.  My mom has been super energetic and supportive.  I think she misses you, but I won’t ask her.  Not yet.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted the blog yet.  To me, that means there is still hope.  Or you pity me enough to leave me my last bastion. Whatever the case, I’m glad.  I check it everyday.  I reload the page several times a day, just to check if it’s still there.  It helps.  You said you had it so when I broke up with you, I’d feel bad.

I impulsively click on Skype to get here.  To write in my journal, I think “Click the blue!”  Reason for this, if I had to guess, is because the journal is specifically targeted to you and right now I have several messages sent to you over Skype.  I don’t think I’ll accidentally send you any journal entries but it’s amusing.  I hope you’re willing to chat.

I hope these hurricanes pass soon.  No offense, but I need to get away. Nice neutral territory, you know?  Adela’s a nice person.  Even if you broke up with me and insisted to never see me again and also set my hair on fire, she’d still meet up for bubble tea.  People like you.  She loves you.  Adriana loves you.  Everyone loves you.  I love you the most, though.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Of course, it could be said I’m trying now. Except I’m not trying, this is me coping.  Whether you read it or not, it’s hard to say but I know it’s been helping me.  Maybe I should keep a journal more often.  Except instead of a journal about you, it’ll be a journal for me.  And instead of me consistently updating like I have been with this one, I’ll actually do the end of the day update like I wanted to do.  Maybe I should get you a journal…  Your birthday is right around the corner.  I want to get you something.

Soon. Probably won’t do Christmas.  Thing is, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’m going to be all by myself at Adela’s.  Not a bad thing, but I don’t know how I’d fare.  If I slipped into a fit of depression, I might not be able to handle it by myself. :/

Don’t consider that as me wanting you to be by my side during those events.  I know Shane is taking you somewhere for Thanksgiving.  It’s not an invitation (though if you really wanted to stay with me, I wouldn’t say no).  You don’t need to spend the time with me and you don’t owe me anything.  I’m just talking my mind. That said, I remember last Thanksgiving.  It was just me and Max and I stayed in the guest bedroom.  I kept to myself and didn’t eat anything that day.  Christmas was a bit better because Adela was there, sort of.  We went to that party where I got drunk and played blackjack.

My hair was longer then.  I’m surprised it’s taking this long to grow out.  Normally it’d be longer.  I’m getting older… or I’m more stressed.  I miss feeling your fingers run through my hair. It’s soothing.  Everything about you is soothing.  I should have appreciated you more.  Well, I know better now.

I think the day after Thanksgiving, I went to go get Whataburger.  Might have walked.  Can’t recall.  I usually do fast food when I’m depressed.  Probably why I gained SO much weight… that and I’ve been inactive.  I gained 80 pounds. EIGHTY pounds.  That’s a lot.  I feel so disgusting…  Whataburger was good though.  I’ll miss it while I’m down there.  Because it’s so close yet it’s totally forbidden.  If you and I go out, we’ll have to get Subway.  And my sandwich won’t get cheese. I’ll force myself to only eat half and save the rest. Thing is, I eat fast.  I really need to slow down.  I try but… eh.  I really need to be more aware when I eat.  I guess I’m like a shark. I just see food and get into a feeding frenzy.  RAWR!!!  IMMA SHERK!!!  GIVE ME UR FISHIES!!! Except for Moshi.  Moshi is friend; not food. I miss Moshi.  I wake up and look over where she used to be and feel… disappointed.  She was literally the reason I woke up in the morning.  I’d go back to bed, but it gave me something to do.  I really need to start exercising today.  But I’ll do that later today.  Thinking about Texas… the first time.  Before we met.  I had a TV, cable, faster internet, Ahnassi…  I wanted to come back though because there was no one I hung out with in Texas.  Didn’t have any friends or family because my brother moved to Oklahoma and left me there by myself.  I was fine in my little apartment but my dad rushed me out.  I didn’t want to stay, mind you, but I needed more time.  I was saving up to afford to leave but my dad offered to pay for everything.  Unfortunately, that means we only had enough to put in our trucks and nothing else.  I left the TV, the TV stand, a table plus chairs… so much I left behind.  I was charged for leaving stuff in the apartment.  It was bullshit, the money I had saved went into paying off my bills from a place I wasn’t even at anymore.  Worse yet, before I paid off one of them (cable bill) my dad said I shouldn’t.  What would they do? Ruin my credit is what.  Thanks, Dad. I know you’ve heard that before, but… Idk, I’m reminiscing.  I was totally isolated then but I used to call my friends on this computer.  I had the TV on in the background because it was nice to have.  Usually Comedy Central because I needed the laugh.  I think… that’s why I’m always on this computer.  I didn’t used to be this bad, I just haven’t realized it. Christ, loneliness sucks.  I didn’t expect to do so much self discovery with this journal.

I used to go out.  I went to clubs but I stopped because I got tired of spending money on drinking.  I used to go on dates with girls.  I was really into the activist scene.  I had a V for Vendetta mask and went to the Million Mask March.  I want to again…  I’d want to take you.  Happens every November Fifth.

I feel… addicted to the computer.  More than ever.  I don’t even want to type on it.  Right now, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t.  Maybe the computer is to blame?  Idk, maybe I should limit my use of the computer to when I’m only writing.

I depend on my vices a lot.  I guess your pot is the same as my computer.  You allow it, but you don’t encourage it.  I guess you were patient with me.  More than you should have been. If it’s alright with you, I might just talk about my past today.  At least until I fall asleep or if you message me on Skype.  Whatever comes first.

I graduated high school in the middle of a recession.  It was so hard finding a job.  I applied EVERYWHERE and my dad often drove me.  I had a car, but we made it a little event.  Unfortunately, he lives in the 60’s and 70’s.  The way you apply for a job is different than it was then.  The first job I got, I wasn’t even applying for.  The Lumberjack used to be Black Bear Diner and I applied there and I was told they weren’t taking any applications.  I was disheartened because I had applied to all these places and that was the last place I applied to.  I was ready to go home with my dad when this short man with a gravelly voice stopped me outside.  He offered me a job as a freelancer.

Basically, he worked construction with Walmart.  Those shopping cart cages?  I placed the little blocks on top of them.  It was neat.  I road on a forklift lifting a panel. That panel is where I stood.  I also riveted down a lot of the isles and did other things.  I enjoyed it and the pay was nice.  Problem was it was at night so I slept during the day.  I had this crush on this girl at the time… she’s married now, but we were close friends.  I was just in the friend zone and couldn’t get out.  When I have a crush on someone, I have a crush.  I didn’t lose my virginity until later, of course. Not trying to talk about my love life (or rather, lack of).  Talking about Walmart. The job didn’t last long.  The guy I worked with eventually got into it with the dude who ran the Walmart and left.  I never got my last paycheck, but I didn’t care.  I had experience.  Turned out, it didn’t mean shit.  I’ll talk more about my job history tomorrow. In High School, I had a few crushes.  Never amounted to anything.  My first kiss was with this girl.  Heather Harmon was her name.  It was before I went to Credence (which is a continuation high school).  There was this dance which I didn’t want to go to.  I felt so awkward just being there.  I was a Freshman and I wanted to go home.  However, I was told by Heather’s friend that this girl in a curly blouse thought I was cute.  I was like, “Oh?” and super surprised.  I misheard her and thought she said something different from blouse.  Don’t remember what I thought she said.  All I remember is that I approached the wrong girl and said, “Hey, I heard you thought I was cute?” The girl looked at me, laughed, and said no.  Ouch.  What a bitch.  I went back to where I was sitting, feeling even worse when Heather’s friend got back and brought Heather with her.  Asked why I didn’t ask Heather out to a dance and I said I didn’t know she was who she was talking about.  The friend grabbed a sleeve and reiterated blouse. That’s the thing, dances and clubs and all that dumb shit… the music is just too loud.  Can’t hear shit.

Anyways, she asked me to dance and I said I didn’t know how.  She said it’s fine, she’ll teach me.  She dragged me onto the floor and we began dancing.  I was dancing horribly but she seemed fine with it.  Then the music cut to ‘slow dance’ music and we slow danced.  In the middle of it all, she kissed me.

It caught me off guard and I was so surprised.  But also happy.  I enjoyed even the small amount of affection.  She had to leave early, however, so left soon after.  My mom eventually picked me up and I left too.  On the way back, I saw her again, crossing the street.  I didn’t really remember what she looked like until I saw her outside of the dance which was ironic.  I was so surprised and caught in the moment that I couldn’t focus.

You’re probably wondering what she looked like.  She was a bit on the heavy side but she had a cute face.  Thing is, she liked to play the field if you know what I mean.  She broke up with me once and I took it easy. Then we dated again and broke up again.  Then she wanted to go out for a third time and I said no. She was a year older than me which I felt was odd.  Sophomore dating a Freshman.  That class politics, amirite? We were dorks.  Basically grade school relationship in high school.  Of course, I discovered several girls had crushes on me but I never noticed.  I was always too focused on my own crushes to notice others.  God, I felt bad about that.  I didn’t mean to be so neglectful.  I didn’t mean to be rude.  I just didn’t notice. So, I probably could have lost my virginity sooner.  Then again, I was a young republican for the longest time so I’m lucky I didn’t lose it later.  Of which, I lost it in the back of my truck on that trail we were on a while back. It’s a good trail.  Miss yooooou… <3

Anyways, the crush I had that persisted after high school.  I was close with her family, but there was nothing that ever happened between us.  She eventually moved away for college and I eventually moved to Texas. We still talked in my early days.  I guess I stopped talking to her when everything started to go sour in my life.

Huh, I messaged her a happy birthday this year.  I’m surprised, I didn’t wish ANYONE a happy birthday this year.  Then the year before during the same month.  Seems I commented on one of her posts and we discussed it in PM. Interesting.  That’s life. She was very funny.  Had a lot of problems though, sort of like you.  Stop me if you heard this before, but her mother was a very abusive ultra-christian.  I even went to church with her mother.  I guess if I had a type, that’d be it.

I’m not sure why, but I’m drawn to girls with issues.  Not because I want to feed off it but because I used to want to help.  Remember me with that “You’re beautiful” thing?  That’s not a flirt, that was me building your self-esteem.  Remember how I tried to reinforce your self-esteem?  I guess I’d be considered a white knight.  At least, I used to be.  Not so much now.  I’ve been bitter and the last girls I were with didn’t seek help really.  I was in it for the sex, not the relationship.

If I had to guess a physical type, I like your body but I also like curves.  So bigger butt maybe.  Boobs would be nice too.

Eh, I might not have a type.  I feel so shallow thinking about it.  You have the perfect body in my eyes, though.  Not why I love you.  If you were less attractive, I’d still be fond of you.  I can look past looks, but I feel I’m letting go of a piece of my person.  You can be an intellectual, you could be thoughtful, you could be compassionate, you could be reasonable… though, you’ve been less reasonable as of late.  Just saying.  >.>

Really, I like you.  I like you a lot.  Your body is great, but I can live without it.  Sometimes, I think you’re too attractive because boys are always hitting on you.  And, apparently, they made the flirting game increase in difficulty.  Ah, fuck.  -,-

I really want you to read this.  I want to tell you about the journal, but it’s a surprise.  You probably don’t want to talk to me right now, anyways.  :/

A lot of memories today.  I’m going to share the section about the first kiss.  Literal copy and paste. However, more information will be here as opposed to as on Skype. I’m not sure how you’ll take it, but that’s alright. I remember!  It wasn’t blouse.  Heather’s friend said “Shirt” and I heard “Skirt.”  Same concept, similar sound.  It wasn’t blouse but shirt and skirt.  Yeah, I can be a dweeb too.  Nothing is sacred.

My parents are talking about me going to Texas.  They talk loud because my dad is deaf.  My dad doesn’t sound so keen and I’m not sure how my mom feels, but she’s supporting me on this.

My mom just came in and asked me when I wanted the ticket.  She was a bit forceful.  I guess she’s annoyed that I haven’t done anything and that I just want to leave.  I’m talking to Adela.  Her mom is coming up for her birthday which is early in October.  I kind of want to get there after her mom leaves so I have that super comfy bed. Far better than this bed.  Good memories of it, too.  Because you were always on it.  <3

Flirting.  That was flirting. That’s something I miss.  That one dream where you were possessed by that demon cat was fucking crazy but it was hot.  You’re super sexy and I miss it.  I neeeeeeeed it.  Probably; men apparently need sex at least once a week for their mental health. I heard that from a co-worker and I’m not sure how true it is. I’ll admit, I’ve been mentally better so perhaps there is some truth to it.

Last time I saw you, I had actually hoped we’d have sex one last time. Unfortunately, I was a muttering whimp and couldn’t contain myself. I wanted affection over sex… how dumb am I?  If you answered “Pretty dumb” then you’d be correct.  I guess I wasn’t even in the mood.

I think I’d fair better in our next meeting.  I’ve been venting!  Without judgment, too!  At least for now.  And the first entry was pretty whiny but I worked through it. Could delete it, but that’d defeat the purpose of a journal.  You write what’s on your mind.  At least, that’s what I’m thinking. If not, at least it’s a placebo.  Really, that’s the only pill I really need right now.  Just gotta believe. And I believe in us.  I believe we’ll get back together.  Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s nice to believe.  Faith is fun, eh? I’ve had this pimple on my nose.  It was big and greasy.  Couldn’t get rid of it with that tea tree oil stuff but I tried to pop it.  Not much effect, it’s just scabbing now.  I look like a rhinoceros right now.  Big, fat, skin condition, rhino. Ugh… be positive. Anyways, the scab is annoying but it’ll heal soon.  My cuts look like they’re going to be light scars but they’re subtle.  Not my first scars but they seemed to cut the deepest, pun unintended.  Again, I was just… so upset.  Really should have started this journal sooner.

Anyways, I think I’m rambling now.  I’m going to try to catch some sleep. It’s currently 11am and you’re still not awake.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to.  My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is super active.  My dad wants me to take the garbage to the dump but they’re not open on Sunday.  Maybe he’ll realize this.  Anyways, trying again for sleep.  I love you, Esther.  I hope you’ve read this far.

Current time is 1:21pm.  Still, no sleep.  We had a pretty long conversation. You revealed a lot.  I think you revealed that you’d never forgive me.  Man, that hurts…  Crying now.  My heart… the muscle in my chest?  It physically hurts.  So much…  I’m sorry I neglected you.  I’ve changed, I swear.

I appreciate your honesty… it was blunt.  I guess I needed to hear it.  It’ll help me become a better person.  It’s just… damn. Never have I hated myself more than I do right this very moment. It’s not that great to be me right now.  I can’t prove to you that I’ve changed because there is no way to prove it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle.  You… really don’t want to see me.

The irony is… I still think you care. Might be wrong, but it feels like it.  Maybe the voice I’m reading your statements is just more merciful than I allow to be read.  I’d sacrifice anything for a chance to get back in your good graces.  I wish I knew how to convince you that things would be better… If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still alive.  So I’m safe, you have nothing to worry about.  Of course, if you’re reading this that means everything after has already happened.  It’s probably not even September anymore.  So, yeah… right now, I guess you just have to trust I won’t do anything permanent. Good news for current you… I’m not messaging you from now on until you message me.  I might message you before I go to Texas, but that’d be it.  I think that’s worthy for an exception, no? That said, I guess… my journal entries are going to get longer.  At least until I invest myself in something with a lot of time consumption.  I want to message you every day.  I told you about the journal.  THE JOURNAL!!!  I don’t know why, ruined the surprise… and you couldn’t care less. Or maybe you did care; you just didn’t show it.  You have a better poker face than I do.

The way you ended it sounded like you were annoyed with me, however. “gtg” is probably unlikely.  I would normally ask Daniel or Adriana to confirm if you’re going anywhere else.  Thing is, I don’t need to.  You are just tired of hearing me beg.  And I get it… that’s the fucked up thing.  I get it.  Honestly, you deserve a prince to descend from on high and sweep you off your feet.  I’m no prince, I’m just some asshole.  I think I’d leave me too.

I’m going to try to go to sleep.  Hopefully for the final time.  When I wake up, expect me to talk about some dream where you were in a wedding dress and where I was in furs, beating things with a stick and speaking with only one syllable words.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me… and I took you for granted.  I want to make up for it. But I can’t… maybe I never will…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

The light hurts my eyes.  It’s currently 8pm.  I think I got five hours of sleep.  I say that because I posted on Facebook before I dozed off.  It doesn’t matter.

I don’t feel good.  I didn’t have any dreams and I woke up… physically numb.  It’s hard to do simple things like move my fingers to type this.  You won’t get to see it but I’m hitting backspace a lot.  I went to the kitchen to get myself food.  I was hungry before we chatted but I took a bite out of something my dad made and couldn’t finish it.

I have a banana and a bottle of water.  I’m going to try to eat something and drink something.  After that, I think I’ll go back to bed.  Tomorrow has to be better than this.

Maybe it will be.  I’ll have to go to the dump tomorrow.  It’ll just be me going to town.  Alone.  I’ll then get a Subway sandwich.  Alone.

It’s not as bad as it sounds… I think I need the solitude right now, ironically.  I could always reach out to people if I need a friend. I’m okay.  I’ll be fine.  Despite how I feel now, I know we had a good talk despite it’s brash ending.  Your Facebook nickname is “Still the Most Beautiful.”  It’s dumb; not because you’re not the most beautiful but because you’ll never see it.  You’ll see my nickname, which I cleared.

I think you’ve seen my post.  Probably rolled your eyes and ignored it.  It’s me venting.  You’ve judged me VERY harshly in the past for my venting.  I know you don’t think you did, but you have. You’ve been pretty unreasonable.  I guess you’re trying to prove a point.  If I were feeling better, maybe I’d guess what that point is.

It doesn’t matter.  Nothing really matters.  I’ve accepted this.

You’re probably not going to read my journal.  Going to be a lot of entries I can see… for what?  Well, it calms me down and keeps me collected.  Guess it’s not that bad.

You know, the link I’ve linked you… The Scientist by Coldplay.  I’ve always liked the song but only now have I listened to the lyrics.  I don’t just listen to the song… I feel it.  It’s hard to explain but… I’m lost in the lyrics listening to the meaning.  The music video is great too, btw.  Not that I’ve been watching it.  A lot of weird physics in it, though. Maybe you and I can watch the music video in reverse and I can show you sometime… heh… Anyways, I don’t feel like writing anymore today.  I’m going to have a snack and then go to bed… again.  I’ll talk more tomorrow, alright?  I still love you.  Good night.