#and home is mentally draining bc of my mom.

[prettyboysmlm]

welcome to: kantilen has an existential crisis part who fucking knows!

[spaceradars]

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[andhumanslovedstories]

Hi dear. I saw your post about pain management - thank you so much for it, it was an inspiring read, also it made it so obvious that you are truly passionate about being a nurse or rather, helping people and being present for those who need it the most. I wanted to ask - do you feel your job as a nurse affects the care you give in your interpersonal relationships and if yes, then how? rather negatively or positively? this is something I think about a lot bc my husband would love to study to become a nurse because he has a heart full of love and care, I knew he would be so good at it, but we are also having our firstborn soon and I just worry that being a nurse might be so draining that what if there is no energy for me and the baby. I really want to support my husband and I know this might be a silly question, but having read how you think I would so much love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

My big disclaimer for this is that I'm currently on medical leave for depression that wasn't CAUSED by my work but was definitely exacerbated by it and definitely worse when I was on shift. I've also been dealing with depression for a long time, and it's always interfered with my jobs at some point. The main problem is that it's a lot worse to have brain fog at a hospital than it is at an ice cream shop. I consider nursing to be a protective factor for my mental health SOMETIMES. It is work that I find meaning in and makes me proud. It can be an exhausting job but also a rewarding one. Extra compassion is also a double-edged sword: it can make you a better nurse, and it can also drain you that much faster because you get invested. Self-care is a part of the nursing code of ethics because the job in part because compassion fatigue is so easy to get if you aren't careful with your limits.

It is a draining job. I've begged off lot of things due to my schedule and feeling exhausted (but I am a homebody hermit). It's also a job a lot of people balance with raising children. My mom (who was already a nurse when I was born) liked the flexibility of the schedule. I work with dozens of nurses who have children. Many are mothers who are still breastfeeding infants. Some actively participate in their family life, some don't, and I don't know how much that has to do with their specific job. You know your husband. Does he already struggle to balance work/school/responsibilities and personal life? That's an issue with any career, but I do think healthcare is a profession where it can get even harder.

oops another nursing essay under the cut

(Plus, in terms of timing in with your newborn, congrats btw, your husband will have to go through nursing school first if he decides on this track, and minimum that will take like 15 months if he has all the pre-reqs and gets into an accelerated program. When it comes to dealing with a newborn, schooling might be more of a stumbling block than the job itself. I know a lot of people who consider nursing school to be one of the worst times of their lives. He might be able to do LPN [licensed practical nurse] instead of RN [registered nurse]. RN requires a bachelors and has a larger scope of practice and generally higher pay. I know almost nothing about getting your LPN license so he'll have to investigate that himself. I'll say the hospital systems that I've been in not only prefer RNs but often have requirements that people without a certain amount of experience MUST get their bachelors after X amount of time.)

I would also say not all nursing jobs are created equal in terms of labor, emotional and otherwise. My first job was in home health which got me somewhat emotionally enmeshed with the family I primarily worked with, but it also wasn't emotionally distressing. Nurses on our oncology floors and the ICU have a different experience than nurses who work in elective short-stay surgery. And different people find different things draining. I find working with end-of-life patients to be energizing in my work; a lot of people don't. My aunt worked pediatrics because she found working with children must less distressing than working with a geriatric population. Some people thrive in the chaos and speed of the emergency room, while I find it to be a tremendously depressing place that I hate floating to.

I think you'd have to ask my loved ones if really if it affects how much I care for them. Speaking personally for myself: I think it is overall positive for my relationships. I like the rhythm of nursing, I like the philosophy of nursing, I like who nursing makes me be. I like that nursing work is impossible to bring home. You can bring the emotions home, but you leave the patients at the hospital. It's simple for a bedside nurse to keep a strong division between their work self and their home self, but it's not necessarily easy. And again, I'm off work right now and probably will be for a bit longer so. yknow. He should make sure he's got a good support system in place.

Also some states and cities are far, far better than others when it comes to nursing regulations. Are there legally mandated staff ratios where you work? How many hospitals are in the area? Are any of them union? What does the compensation look like? What is the turnover rate? Nursing could be a great profession in general, but it might not be great in your particular location.

My last point would be that working in healthcare can make you feel...disconnected, I guess, from people who don't. Healthcare is such a culture unto itself. Sometimes I'd be like that meme of guy at party hanging out in the corner thinking, "they don't know yesterday I took care of a patient in a situation so fucked and depressing that it's now an ethics case." Or on the other hand, "they don't know that a patient called me their guardian angel and cried while they thanked me." The fact that healthcare is a different world is neither a pro nor a con, but something to consider. Depending on how you spend your days, his life might start to have parts that look very different from yours. I loved having a nurse as a mother and listening to her stories. My father banned all anecdotes involving poop and gore from his presence.

I hope you and your husband figure out the best way possible for him to use that compassion, which might be nursing or might not be. Either way, good luck to you guys!

[transmechanicus]

Mom visiting again for 10 days. Have no idea how to interact with her in my own space bc there's no privacy or free time for me, and i feel the obligation to be a good host n stuff and entertain her. It makes it super socially and mentally draining to be at home and just makes me want to stay at work as long as possible even if i have nothing I can get done. Next week there's also a wedding I have to go to that I'm really not psyched about bc i just hate formal occasions in general, this really fucking sucks and i have no solution but to be bitter and avoidant. She also doesn't support me spending time with my partner bc they're poly which Ok Sure Whatever i don't really care abt her Thoughts on it, but she's also using the car All Day so im physically Prevented from seeing them. My partner is also specifically amazing bc they provide a ton of background gender affirmation that i really appreciate and really sucks to be deprived of. My mom is also transphobic in really specific ways arising from the fact that she Cannot Believe I didn't come out sooner or involve my parents in my name choice, which is fuckin unfair considering my father listened to ben shapiro n co while i was in undergrad as recently as like 4yrs ago.

TL;DR I miss my partner, I don't like not having personal space, also work sucked today, i have to work all weekend on short notice, my mom is not as supportive as she freaking thinks she is, and all of these things make me ANGERY AND UPSET!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!

[hydn-jpg]

hello!! i am alive !!!!

how have y'all been? i've definitely been better lol

so... i can explain. or maybe not. i've never been good at talking about things but i'll do my best

under the cut bc a bunch of things happened and this'll probably be very long:

honestly where do i even start?

it has been a very rough almost month and a half for me, it was as if whatever god or entity out there went "lol wouldn't it be funny if we made this person go through several bad things all within the span of a few weeks" and then did just that

in early august i got a call from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. i had just gotten home from class at the time, but i immediately went out again and took the soonest available flight back to korea for her funeral. losing her hit me pretty hard honestly, she was the one i turned to when things were hard, and was also the only one who was generally supportive of my identity and sexuality. she didn't really get it, but she never made homophobic or transphobic comments, and was always kind and unconditionally loving. chuseok this year will be difficult without her around but at least she is in a better place i hope.

i took two weeks off from school to stay with my family after that. when i got back i was mostly catching up on all the classes i missed so i had very little time to do anything else. the stress coupled with all the physical exertion and everything else lead me to have the worst asthma attack i've experienced as of yet, it could've gotten a lot worse if it weren't for my kind neighbours who rushed to help me when they saw me struggling in the hallway

then in late august i got into a car accident. i was driving home from campus (which is an hour away), it was raining very heavily and i guess i lost control of my car. i am not sure what exactly happened honestly, one moment i was driving peacefully (and at appropriate speed for driving in the rain) and the next moment my car was spinning around and hitting the guardrails before crashing. it sounds cliché but everything was in slow motion and i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. i'm really thankful that the highway was basically empty, so no one else was affected. i somehow came out of the accident with only a concussion, a badly sprained arm and neck and some cuts and bruises. those will surely heal with time but the trauma of it will probably stay for quite a while.

so that's what happened. my mental health has not been great but i've been feeling a bit better lately! so that's good. i've been too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to do anything haha.

i probably won't be able to draw for a while thanks to my injury so you won't be seeing any art from me for at least another month or so,, to people i still owe commissions to, i will have to give you an IOU because again, i can't draw rn but also because i lost basically all the art that i haven't backed up during the crash, which unfortunately includes the commission sketches :( i'm so sorry, i'll redraw them as soon as i'm able to. i really wish procreate had an automatic cloud backup system so at least the sketches i did were saved but we can't always get what we want i guess,,

thank you to everyone who reached out and asked about my wellbeing and i'm really sorry for ignoring your messages and tags. i'll get to them as soon as i can!

tldr; my grandma passed, i had a bad asthma attack and i got into a car accident but i am okay. not really but i'll be okay maybe. lmao.

[hypergamiss]

I feel so drained all the time bc I’m living in my toxic parents home. Thanks to the economy, and my binge eating issue, it’s been a struggle to save money. I get in arguments all the time with my mom, especially regarding how chill she is with my troublemaker younger siblings versus how my sister and I were raised. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so full of rage on how unfair things are. I listened to her two years ago when I could’ve transferred colleges, but she (and dad by extent) guilt tripped me into staying home, and wasting my money on online classes that went nowhere. Due to depression I began binge eating, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better tbh. I’ve wasted sm money, and my teeth are messed up due to all the sugar.  /: I feel stuck. I know I should be trying to move forward but I feel so depressed, no $ for therapy tho of course. I know I’ll regret it but I can’t seem to move forward. The anger keeps me in place. Could go into detail about how I wasn’t allowed to do anything in hs or even make friends, even community college I went to a super small one w no opportunities. I had sm ambition, sm drive, all feels like it’s been argued out of me. I’m tired of my words being misconstrued, of always being seen as a selfish bad person. I’m just done with it all. I want to give up sometimes, just throw my hands up and say f it, and keep binging, keep wasting $, and not caring about anything. But a tiny part of me does want to improve which is why I’m messaging you. 

Toxic family dynamics mixed with a crappy economy is a recipe for burnout. But here's the thing: you're still here, and that tiny spark wanting to improve? That's your inner warrior, not ready to give up! Try looking at things through this lens:

Your Parents are NOT the Economy: Yes, things are tough, but focusing on how they guilt-tripped you won't open a savings account. Let's ditch the blame game (for now) and focus on what YOU can control.

Binge-Eating as Rebellion: I get it. When control is taken away, we sometimes find it in destructive ways. That sugar rush is a temporary middle finger to those unfair rules. But girl, your teeth and your temple(body) deserve better!

Channel the Rage: You want to give up? Fine! But instead of giving up on yourself, give up on caring what they think! Use that anger to fuel a job search, create a hustle, literally ANYTHING that screams, "Screw you, I'm taking my life back!"

Tiny Steps > No Steps: Therapy is out of reach for now, but there are free mental health resources online. Even just journaling out that rage is better than letting it consume you. You are much stronger than you think.

"Selfish" is the New Self-Care: Remember those ambitions? It's time to be ruthlessly selfish about reclaiming them. Not the kind that harms others, but the kind that says, "My dreams matter, and I refuse to let them die here."

It won't be easy, and there may be slip-ups. But even posting this shows you're not fully down for the count. Dust yourself off, get scrappy, and use that anger to prove everyone (including yourself) wrong. You deserve better, and sometimes, the only way out is through.

[cosmicheartz]

More in-depth details abt Crystal and Clems falling out that happens in my hc/au along with a couple hcs

CW for mentions of suicide/self harm, parental abuse/neglect, bullying and toxic relationships

So in the post I made abt my hcs for older Crystal and Clem I mentioned they had a falling out during Clems last year at camp and I thought I’d talk about how it happened

Before I talk about that I wanna talk a bit about my hcs/speculations on both of their home lives bc it does come into play

CLEM: so its heavily implied on his campster that he and his dad don’t have a good relationship along with his dad being verbally abusive to him

We don’t have any info on his mom but I think she either A. Is out of the picture ( death, divorce etc ) B. Similarly abusive or C. Enables her husbands abuse towards his son ( either due to not caring or fear of also being abused )

I also feel like his dad would be physically abusive too ( to what severity I’m unsure )

When Clem gets older he’s either kicked out or he runs away. A scenario I have in mind that would lead to that is that he finally retaliates against his father ( most likely with psi powers and possibly leading to his fathers death or injury )

I think that Clem is also extremely envious of the campers who have happy ( or presumably happy ) home lives, it could be somewhat implied depending on how you interpret the tone on this post on Elton’s campster

So yea he has a really rough home life

He also most likely barely has any friends in his hometown too.

CRYSTAL: we don’t really have any canonical info on her home life so I’ll just talk about my personal interpretation

Compared to Clem her home life isn’t as “ bad “ but is still shitty. I feel like her parents could neglectful/distant and would dismiss their daughters clear mental health struggles ( ie oh it’s just a phase/I’ve had similar issues when I was her age but I pushed though it )

I’ve also seen some interpretations of them being very religious which I im not sure if I hc that but it’s interesting to think about.

Personally I think the major factor to her depression is that she’s severely bullied/ostracized at school ( especially if she’s in an area where there’s little to no psychics )

Another thing I’d like to note is that compared to Clem it seems that some of the other campers are genuinely worried about her mental state

I excluded Elka, Kitty and Nils bc they didn’t seem all that geniune/had ulterior motives ( I also omitted Chops replying to Bennys comment bullying her bc idk if that would fully count but I personally think he’s concerned for her well-being )

Clem doesn’t exactly have this on his campster

Sure he has positive testimonies but none of them seem to be concerned about his mental state compared to Crystals

^ This is the closest thing we have and even then Milka doesn’t seem to be all that concerned but moreso confused on why he was stealing the drain-o

I think that ends up affecting Clem and causes him to become jealous of Crystal but bottles up those feelings because he doesn’t want to bother her with his issues.

Anyways after the events of psychonauts 1/the campers having their brains stolen/Crystal and Clems “ project “ Crystal starts to be like “ oh shit maybe I should try and better my mental health “ it’s tough at first for her but she does genuinely wanna get better. She starts reaching out to the counselors ( both the canonical ones like Milla and some personal oc counselors since I hc that there’s more counselors than Sasha Milla and Coach ) along with the other campers ( Phoebe I think is one of the campers she starts to hang out with more often )

Clem however doesn’t hold the same viewpoints and throws himself in the cycle of faking positivity and partaking in self harm/planning his next “ project “. Eventually he stops the faking positivity altogether and just becomes incredibly withdrawn and kind of rude/snappy to the other campers

Crystal tries to help him but she can only do so much. It’s also pretty mentally/emotionally taxing for her bc Clem tries to drag her down with his cynicism so she starts to hang out with him less ( she still makes sure he’s not harming himself )

Clem takes notice of the fact Crystal is less keen on hanging out with him and it makes his jealously worse. It gets to the point where he can’t bottle it up anymore and he starts to become kinda cold to her? Also manipulative to an extent bc he notices that regarding their suicide pact she’s been “ flaking out “ along with making her promise to not tell anyone about what happened during that one summer.

It causes Crystal a lot of distress and her mental state starts to regress. Someone notices ( ie a camper or counselor ) and asks if she’s ok to which she tells them everything ( the suicide pact she and Clem had and how she’s concerned for his mental state ). Crystal also begs them not to tell Clem that she said that if they end up deciding to confront him about it.

When someone inevitably confronts Clem about what Crystal told them ( ie his suicidal tendencies and he and crystals attempting a suicide pact that one summer ) he immediately knows that Crystal blabbed.

This results in a huge argument between them with Crystal trying to reason with Clem and him finally spilling out his bottled up feelings towards her. He says some pretty nasty things to her in an attempt to make her feel worse and Crystal ends up saying some choice things too.

Afterwards Clem gives her the cold shoulder ( even when Crystal tries to apologize for what she said ) and basically becomes reclusive. He’s just waiting to get out of this stupid camp.

So Clem graduates from whispering rock without so much as a goodbye to Crystal

Crystal feels so awful about it which results in her going through a really bad mental health situation. Luckily she has a support system to help her get through it even if it’s only at camp.

Her home life is still pretty bad but she does end up getting a therapist ( though her parents aren’t exactly thrilled about it ) and she starts to hone her skills in levitation along with learning mental projection and psi punch. She also becomes pen pals with some of the former campers including Phoebe, Quentin and Lili ( she doesn’t fully reconnect with Raz until she starts her internship )

Crystal starts her internship at Pyschonauts when she’s around 15 and reconnects with her camp friends including Raz. She often hangs out with Lili so she and Raz end up becoming pretty close ( she ends up gaining a small crush on both him and Lili and maybe Phoebe later down the line bc I think they’re cute )

I haven’t decided on who her mentor would be yet though. Maybe Gisu or Morris bc they seemingly specialize in levitation? I’ll need to continue watching Holly play pyschonauts 2 to know for sure. I love @/doodle17s idea of her having psyball rollerblades/roller skates so I’m thinking of using that idea for her

Meanwhile Clem is in spiral which results in him hating humanity and starts to become a villain. At first it was pretty minor/petty crime things but as he got older it the crimes became more serious to the point he’s getting involved with the psychic mafia ( ran by Maloof )

Crystal does still attempt to check in with Clem though to usually no avail ( the only reason she knows he’s not dead is bc she’s in contact with Mikhail who has contact with Clem along with him occasionally responding though it’s very rare for him to and if he does it’s very a short/blunt conversation )

I’m still trying to hash out on the details on when they “ reunite “ ( deciding between when she becomes a junior psychonaut or when she ends up tagging along on a mission with Raz and co )

[scary-monsters]

I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this

I try to keep mental health shit off this blog as much as possible bc that's not what it's for, it's supposed to be a place to share the things I make and to support others that love the same characters as I do. But also I need to be human sometimes

I haven't been getting enough sleep, my body won't let me rest more than 6 hours a night because I'm constantly riddled with anxiety and the pressure to work work work, be productive, do things or else you're useless.

I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford to buy groceries most weeks and rarely have time to cook on the days I work. Most of the time I eat one meal a day and that's only on my 30min break at work. My body doesn't even like to take anything more than that.

I haven't bought new clothes in at least 2 years, because I can't afford to and why would I when I never go anywhere except work? If I have a day off I don't have the energy to try and look nice, I throw on old jeans and a t-shirt. And it sucks because clothing has always been a passion of mine and I used to take so much pride in the way I present myself. I miss that part of me.

I'm miserable all the time, if I'm at work I'm only thinking about suicide. I cry all the time. Yes I go to therapy, yes I have a psychiatrist, yes I take medication for my disorder. But it feels like nothing helps anymore.

My therapist asked me two days ago what the barriers to my goals and happiness are and I didn't even hesitate when I answered "work". My job is draining me to a point that is scary for me, I feel trapped in it because no matter how many applications I do, I always get 'no's. The jobs I do have a good shot at pay significantly less than what I currently make, so I can't risk losing that pay. I live by myself, I pay for everything by myself. I don't have anyone else to lean on.

We recently had a loss in the family, and while I handled it pretty well it also brought up all the other loss I've experienced in my life, and there's been a lot. To a point where if my mom calls and says "I need to talk to you", I immediately assume someone else has passed. So all I can think about lately is all those people and all the missed opportunities I had with them.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I can't help looking at suicide as my only option to get out of how shitty everything feels all the time. I'm only happy when I'm making art or writing or talking to friends, but when I don't have the energy to do those things?? What then? I sit here and stare at a screen and cry and wish I could be anyone other than myself. I can't measure up, and I'm kinda tired of trying.

I had to call in today because I can't do it, I feel myself falling apart at the seams, I've been snapping at coworkers and having attitude with customers, that's not me, but I feel like I'm losing myself. But because I called in I've now lost a quarter of my paycheck for this week. Every single day I have to pick whether I'd prefer experiencing suicidal ideation for 10.5 hours at work or sitting at home and feeling lost/lonely and crying instead.

I've been pretty good at hiding it and masking this year but idk, I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I'm lost, y'all, I have no direction and I don't know when/if things are gonna get better for me

(also I don't need anyone telling me that I could use vacation money to fix some of these issues; vacations are how I escape, and I need to do that. Plus I always save up PTO/money specifically for them.)

[placeinthisworld]

I’m that anon and this might sound over the top but I genuinely feel so so so heard right now because for the longest time when I followed them their takes and the way Taylor just fully consumes their life made me feel drained. I remember always side eyeing how they would conveniently side step criticising Taylor whenever she would genuinely mess up like saying oh they’re not a part of that group so they don’t want to take up space but it’s like okay I get it, hell I can even respect that but why aren’t you reblogging posts criticising Taylor made by the people she has directly hurt from her actions then. the way that fans go into dissecting very minute details over there sometimes made me think of how inevitable it is for Taylor to not grow and change cuz these are the blogs that always filled up Taylor’s feed and realistically fans like this is what she’s exposed to and on a human level I can’t imagine being treated as if every minor action of mine is worth extensive praise. The mental development of a celebrity impacted by being placed on such high pedestals has always intrigued me. I won’t lie there was a time, whenever I came home from school I would sit and obsessively consume only Taylor content and would be very defensive over her in real life as well but ( and I’m not trying to be super judgemental here) I can’t imagine being that committed to protecting, coddling, praising and borderline worshipping somebody like that when I know that individual never even considers my existence for like a second, I genuinely can’t imagine doing this for years and years and never growing past it especially with everything Taylor has done.

I still remember how condescending and truthfully mean they were being to anons when some fans questioned why Taylor swapped out invisible string for the 1 and they defended joe so so so much as if they were his lawyer or something but as soon as they broke up the absolute switch up kind of floored me cuz I always thought that they genuinely started liking joe for his work at one point cuz of how much they would place him on a pedestal as well before but damn I got whiplash from soo many blogs after the breakup. I know this turned into a giant rant and I’m so sorry but it’s just I’ve never come across anybody that felt the same way cuz generally literally everybody praises that blog and treats it like royalty sometimes so it’s like getting to vent to somebody for the first time 😅😅😔😔

100000000% bestie i agree with everything you’ve said 😭

i followed them too for the longest time and always kinda followed that same mindset too. but something changed when eras started that made me just kinda….feel like there was a tswift overexposure/ blowup where it suddenly felt like people were only online again to gain clout, and then the breakup happened and everyone and their mom was suddenly a diehard swiftie with all these opinions about it and it started to make me feel icked out by the way people just…..casually discussed and debated/speculated about her personal life and their entire relationship without knowing really anything more. when the breakup happened i definitely saw the switch from just another swiftie to literally suffocating up taylor’s asshole. i mostly blame tumblr too for giving them that attention lol i think that definitely fed into their dialogue. i remember being kinda sad when i unfollowed but knew it was better for me bc their interactions with anons and their opinions were so wild lol. i also remember starting to feel like i was a bad fan/ swiftie if i couldn’t defend taylor like that in good conscience so i figured disengaging would be enough, but then meathead came into play and suddenly their narrative became clear that they were really just ready to support and defend taylor about absolutely everything (and then somewhere along the way they blocked meeeee and ngl i wa so caught off guard bc i had unfollowed so long before that i couldn’t even tell you when it happened or like what i said to cause if LMAO i’m sure it was one of my criticism posts about taylor but like still find it funny!) because at the end of the day we’re all just fans seeing what taylor wants us to see and nobody really has any insight as to what taylor is thinking or how she feels, yes even if you spent a few hours with her once 5+ years ago……

overall is been a very eye opening experience as to how parasocial relationships develop and how weird people are on social media…..i always said (jokingly) that swiftism was a disease but like i actually feel like it is

[transrightsjimin]

3 days later and im still mentally drained frm talking to my autism coach aka having an unwanted discussion bc she decided to bring up the usual faux concern for my mental health and how i isolate myself, after she literally made me sad and pissed off by pushing me again abt when ill stop wearing masks, and spouting the typical bullshit everyone says like 'it's proven covid is just a flu now' and when i try to refute anything that the shitty fucking dutch government and corrupted health orgs say w no proof, she went again like 'you don't have to make this about politics' and 'that's how you think about it but not everyone sees it that way' etc etc and when i talked abt disabled friends nd family nd what the effects of long covid are she pretended to understand but she DOESN'T bc she wants me to stop wearing masks 'bc it's not required anymore' and so does my other autism coach want me to and so do my doctors and colleagues and my vulnerable parents who i've regrettably now even stopped masking around bc my dad just gets pissed off and my mom got too sad we couldnt kiss e/o on the cheeks and they don't Get it and always kept asking why i wouldnt eat or drink w them at home nd i was honestly FINE MENTALLY abt al this crap bc i try not to think abt it too much and just be doube masked in public transport and go about my day but then this fucking piece of scum that plays the same record over and over like every dumb fucking dutchie who think the govt and 'being Normal' is sacred urghgh anyway good night!!!

[mylastwords777]

HUGEEEEE TW I’m js venting literally fuck off and kill yourself if your even thinking abt reporting my account for this like wtf is wrong with you?

I hated today, everything was overwhelming and stressful not to mention living with a extremely mentally ill mom who doesn’t mange her bipolar is killing me inside, the guilt tripping, the mood swings, the yelling, the going from hating me to loving me and not even caring how it makes me feel she doesn’t even apologize and when she does it’s smt like “sorry I’m such a bad mom” or “sorry i can do anything right” like yes after you js expressed how you think I am a terrible person and how you want your child to move out sooner, saying that of all things will make it go away. all my plans got changed around and I hate my plans being changed, I have a vacation in two days that got changed up, I have a haircut next week that got changed, I had therapy that got changed, I’m supposed to go to my dads house Monday, that got changed I’m supposed to start school at my dads and that got changed to and when I told my mom this is overwhelming me and she needs to stop changing the house switching schedule she yells at me saying I’m being mean and disrespectful, I have to stay at my moms for two extra weeks for no reason besides she doesn’t trust HER ALMOST 16 YEAR OLD CHILD home alone, and I wouldn’t even be alone my sister who’s 18 lives full time at my dads so I might js tell her I’m staying at my dads regardless because I literally never get to see my sister and it is literally in the divorce agreement or wtv I go over to my dads every other week she doesn’t get a say because it’s in a contract I want to be at my dads I am going to my dads end of story idc if that makes me a disrespectful cunt I hate being at my moms she’s mean she gaslights, she guilt trips me she using my trauma and what I’ve been through against me NOT TO MENTION SHE ALOUD ME TO GET GROOMED AND SEXUALLY ABUSED FOR 6 MONTHS AND NEVER FUCKING CARED

I’m so done with this family I wanna kill my self, in the two years I’ve been attempt free this is the one time I really, really want to kill myself I want to die I want it to be over 6 years of this shit is to much I’ve been struggling with the fucking bullshit since 5th grade im fucking done I should’ve died years ago and maybe I fucking finally will this year, because I am done I am drained I am tired and I want my family to finally see how terrible they truly are. I hope my death eats them up inside. I hope it makes them want to die to. I hope my death traumatizes them as much as they traumatized me, when I die I hope my family knows it’s because of them. It will never be because of anyone but them and I hope they know that.

I hope everyone but my sisters becomes deeply depressed and have to go through alllll the shit I had to at the age of 10-16 because if anyone deserves the trauma I had to go through during my childhood it’s my family. (Not my sisters bc there the only thing keeping me alive besides my bf)

[zannolin]

merry and legolas?

Merry: Describe a situation where you were in just the right place at just the right time.

literally the same day i decided i needed to find a new job in september bc my job at the movies was draining me completely dry, i walked into the kitchen when my mom got home and she was like yo want a clerical job bc our neighbor had just texted her about it and bam. i interviewed and got the job before it was even listen and now i've been there over a month and it's sooooo much better for me mentally. wild timing.

my life is not incredibly serendipitous idk this is the best i got besides randomly applying for a mod position in a catradora zine and ending up making wonderful friends (ly if u see this ily) who i later got to make and am still making pretty amazing zines with.

Legolas: What is something that ended up being a bigger part of your life than you would have expected it to? (Can be as trivial or as serious as you wish)

aforementioned zines have brought me so many friends and lots of excellent life skills (and also cool zines). originally i was just messing around bc gay ships and now we've made things people love. uhhh. tumblr also. writing fic. my high school lit teacher. silly books i read when i was in middle school. the locked tomb series. that kind of thing.

lotr asks!

[female-eren]

I need some advice. I recently was broken up with and I'm reeling from it. We met when i was 19 and he was 32 and we ended up hooking up 6 years ago. He didn't tell me until after we hooked up that he had a wife which started a crazy feud, but he eventually divorced his wife and convinced me to be in a relationship with him. The relationship was pretty rocky at first because he was very emotionally abusive. Like he would constantly reprimand me for doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing and would lecture me for hours and not let me sleep until I agreed with him. I used to live with him sometimes because my mom got evicted and i couldn't hold down a stable job because I had an untreated learning disability and he would pick fights with me every day when I would say/ do the wrong thing and sometimes he would even kick me out.

While he did all this its v confusing bc he was also very good to me at the same time?? He helped me out when I was evicted and let me live rent free with him. He helped me get my diagnosis and helped me look for a job. He helped me get over some of my insecurities and would urge me to go to therapy and helped me get my driver's license. The last 2 years he started becoming more spiritual and became a lot nicer to me (He would still reprimand me but not as often) and urged me to do yoga and meditation. He started getting serious and during that time he was throwing ideas around of leaving everything behind and going to a yoga center etc. I was so drained atp from the constant mistreatment and feeling like I wasn't a priority so I went outside the relationship to explore my options. i met a guy that I was going to meet for dinner and just talk to, but I was drugged and assaulted. I felt so guilty that I told my boyfriend and he broke up with me. This was a year ago. Since then, we've been on and off because he would come back but couldn't commit because he couldnt trust me. Early this year he moved to a different state and he reached out to me to ask if I wanted to visit him out there in the summer. I was cautious but I agreed because I missed him. We started calling and texting every day and he started hinting that he wanted a relationship with me again. I started catching feelings again and was grateful for the opportunity to make things right because I fucked up. I bought the plane tickets and two days after I bought them he told me that he was getting women flirting with him out there and that he wanted to explore his options. I was so upset and I asked him why we couldnt work things out, he told me he still couldnt trust me after what happened. He told me it's best if I get a refund on the tix and just stay home. I felt so crushed, I felt like I was lead on and I feel so ashamed and guilty over what I did. The worst part is I felt like I ruined everything and it's my fault that the relationship ended the way it did. What do I do???? I have no friends and no one to talk to.

Oh girl. He's abusive and leaving him is the right thing to do. Don't fall for it again. He seems really mentally unstable to me also tbh. I don't really know what to say, I think your biggest hurdle is going to be loneliness. And perhaps the reason you haven't left yet and are in this really messy situationship is because you seem to only have him. I know what it's like to feel you only have a partner in your life and no other friends, and feel like it's impossible to make new ones. But this man is not good and not worth it - a grown, married man pursuing a teenager is a nail in the coffin on its own. Then add all the rest. You need to put yourself first, and probably get some therapy if you can. The feeling of guilt and shame and disgust over being assaulted, even over just feeling used and dirtied, is something I know all too well and I haven't quite healed, not sure if I ever will. What I do know is we need to prioritise our future well-being, and this guy will not contribute to your happiness and health.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #156

What are three of your favorite things to photograph? Details in nature, animals, and I REALLY wish I could shoot more vast, impressive landscapes. I also had an incredible amount of fun the one time I shot boudoir for my then-best friend, it was so fucking fun and amazing to help her feel attractive and beautiful in her body, especially as a more plus-sized woman. She loved them and it was the most fun shoot I've ever done.

In your opinion, what are three of the most relatable songs ever? Uh, jeez, idk. Too much to pick from, lol.

When was the last time you took a selfie you thought you looked beautiful in? By pure coincidence, it was somewhat semi-recently; I almost never, EVER take selfies, and even less often do I think I look okay in them, but I took two I thought looked pretty good like, a month or two ago?

Do you play many online games? No; the only one I ever play is World of Warcraft, but I've been barely playing it at all for a while now; I seem to go through phases of logging on more often and then not at all.

Have you ever forged a note for something at school? No.

Do you know anyone who's been adopted? I have at least one old friend that I know was adopted.

Have you ever broken a rib? No, that sounds so fucking miserable.

Where did you last bleed from? My bottom right gum area because I had a tooth extracted. I am so glad I'm no longer tasting solely blood, ugh yesterday was ROUGH. Doing it aaaall over again in a month...

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… I go for a sort of food that I generally always like, like chicken tenders and fries.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Money for a tattoo lmao

Does anyone else know who your first crush was besides you? The Internet haha bc I've identified him in past surveys asking about first crushes, but I don't think anyone who might know both of us knows.

Do you feel shy around someone when you are first getting to know them? Oh absolutely, I am extremely, excruciatingly shy.

Have you ever fallen asleep in class? No.

Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? No, I don't at all believe that's predictable.

What is unfair about your life? Mental illness. It's not like I make a conscious decision to become abysmally depressed or so anxious I can barely function.

[TW: SELF-HARM] Have you ever self-harmed? Yes, primarily in high school. It's not something I've done in a long time, all it ever did was make me hate myself more than I already did.

Have you ever shoplifted? Nah.

Do you know who your father is? Yeah, thankfully he's been in my life since I was born.

Have you ever had an emergency surgery? No. When I had my cyst I went into the hospital wanting that because of how much pain I was in, but instead they cut and drained the cyst, but oh boy was I conscious and SCREAMING, there is no fucking way in hell they numbed me enough for that procedure, even morphine wasn't calming me down at all.

Do you think you are fat? I factually am, it's not unknown to me.

Have you ever dated a guy after your friend did? No.

Is your mom your best friend? I would definitely consider her such, after Girt. The amount of shit this woman has done for me is unreal.

Do you find any of your friends hot? Yeah, mostly female friends I have, but it's in a platonic sort of way.

Can you go to an actual beach in the state you live in? Yeah, go east and you're hitting the Atlantic. People tend to prefer South Carolina for their beaches, though, but they're of course still crowded here too.

What animals have you ridden? Just like, horses and ponies at fair-like things.

Ever been brought home by the cops? No.

Describe your natural hair? It's brown and extremely thick, healthy too. It will sometimes get lighter highlights in hotter months if I see the sun enough.

What's a pet peeve you have about guys? This does NOT apply to every guy, at all, but in general I don't think it's debatable that they're generally more sex-driven than women, and that often leads to problems.

If you could change something(s) about your outer appearance, it would be: I'd be a healthy weight.

Are you against animal testing? I am VEHEMENTLY against animal testing, the fact that it's still practiced is barbaric to me. We're "alpha species" my fuckin' ass, by using other forms of life as goddamn guinea pigs, we're nothing but animals.

Where do you wish to live as an adult? Well, I am an adult, but in terms of where I settle down when independent, I'm not certain, but in complete realism it's probably going to still be in this general area, despite how badly I want to move to the mountains of western NC; it's just a very long drive from where we're at, and it's important to me and Girt that we keep touch with our families. I don't want it to be a massive, lengthy drive to see our loved ones.

Where is your favourite place to get fries? Bojangle's or McDonald's, depending on my mood. Bojangle's fries are a fuckin' delicacy if you're in the mood for something really seasoned, but a lot of the time, really just classic McD's fries are great.

Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Uhhhh I don't THINK so.

Are there any waterfalls nearby? No big, even remotely impressive ones, no. The best you get around here are dams, but those aren't like, real, natural waterfalls at all.

Do you prefer coffee or tea? I hate both; I've never had any of either that I liked. I THINK I'm most likely to discover a sort of coffee product I like though, there's such a serious variety. I think with enough sweetness to it I'd be fine. The taste of tea has always made me cringe with how much I dislike it, which is basically an alien reaction here in the south, where "we" are fucking insane over sweet tea, lol.

Have you taken a painkiller today? Yeah, I'm not rawdogging getting a fuckin' tooth yeeted out lmao

Have you had a nap today? No, but I went to bed very early last night, and though it took a long time to fall asleep, I definitely got some good hours after yesterday.

Who cooks most of the meals in your household? My mom. I never cook-cook, I'll just use the microwave or air fryer if I want to make something myself.

Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I don't, but I know Sara was open about having it, though I don't "know" her anymore. I know at least one cousin and her mother also have it.

Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic.

You get 2 pizza toppings, what are they? Pepperoni and sausage, ig.

Ever dipped your pizza in ranch? I feel like I've tried this before? I don't remember what I thought, though.

Ever order a lobster for yourself at a restaurant? No; I hate crab and have heard lobster is similar, so I'm not interested in trying it.

Have you had Apple Jacks cereal? Yeah, that's a fave.

Most famous person from your town/state? lol I googled it and apparently Michael Jordan is from NC, I think that's a name most people in at least the USA know. There's a few other big names.

Does your best friend wear glasses? Yeah, he and I are both blind as shit without our glasses, haha.

Who is closest to you in your family? My mom.

Have you listened to a Britney Spears song today? No, but I do like her well enough. Every now and again I'll listen to a couple classic songs by her.

Do you have a pet turtle? Nah, turtles as pets have never interested me much. They're great animals, just not for me as a pet.

French fries or onion rings? Fries, for sure. I don't really like onion rings.

Have you ever had a storage locker? If so, what is/was stored in it? No.

Do you have a gas, electric or induction cooktop? Uh... I've never used the stove since living here lol, but I'm quite sure it's electric.

Are you interested in plants? Oh for sure, at least as an observer and not a caretaker; I enjoy looking at them, lightly learning about the ones I'm very attracted to, and I mostly take photos of some sort of plant, be it a flower, tree, or whatever, so I value them a lot. There's a pretty big part of me that wants to start taking care of indoor plants, especially for my room remodel, but I just have an honest feeling I won't stick to it so I don't wanna take in a plant and kill it.

How far away is the nearest capital city? Raleigh is about an hour away from us by car.

What was the last movie trailer you watched? The Five Nights at Freddy's one, god I lost my shit when it was IMMEDIATELY pointed out just how fuckin stoned the animatronics look, omg please fix it 😭😭😭 I do plan on seeing it though, I really don't understand the franchise's lore very well, but it's a fun series.

Are you expecting anything in the mail? No. Well I mean Mom said she's ordering some final plugs for my earlobes at some point, but it's been a while. I'm just glad the gauges aren't falling out all the time now that they're healed better, I think.

Do you hate cars with loud exhausts? Yes, it's annoying.

What's the altitude of your town or city? I feel weird giving exact numbers, but it ranges from quite below 100ft to not even 200ft.

Do you like movies with vampires in them? Vampires are cool, but I'm not gonna automatically be more drawn to a film just because it has one.

If you have a pet, what is its favourite treat? If you don't have a pet, what's one of your favourite treats? :) GOD Cookie is a spoiled brat when it comes to food; if you have any, she wants to try it, and it's gotten bad because Mom has trouble telling her no unless the food just straight-up isn't okay for dogs. I'm not certain what her favorite ever is, however I do know she's crazy for fries; Mom can't ever have fries from anywhere without sharing some with her. Roman's not big on treats, and he's also VERY weird with being offered food that's not in his bowl, like he doesn't know if he's supposed to eat it and will generally just sniff his a treat given to him to where he pushes it across the floor, like you cannot watch this cat examine a treat without laughing, it's so strange. He even comes to Mom when she gets a treat out for Cookie, like he wants one, and then acts like he never learned how to fuckin eat lmao. Venus has only ever been fed originally f/t mice and now f/t rats; I'd like to let her try a pre-killed chick one day because variety IS good for them and certainly stimulating for them, but it's not something I'm going to go out of my way to buy; ball pythons are notoriously picky and she's been on a major hunger strike before, so I don't want to buy food she's not going to eat. It's one of those things I'd just offer her if the opportunity presented itself.

Do you remember the first house you lived in? No; we moved into what I fully consider my "real" childhood home when I was literally just a baby, I have zero memories of the house I was born into.

When was the last time you threw up, and do you know why? Maybe close to a month ago and we're not going into why lol

Who was the last person you said "I love you" to? My mom, before she left to clean the church she volunteers at.

Have you ever worn a tiara? Haha yeah, I'm sure I did in my childhood at some point, and I remember on one of my teenage birthdays, I wanna say my 17th, my then-best friend Summer got a tiara with my age on it and made me wear it out to dinner, lol. I'm sure I still have it, probably in my treasure box.

If you plan to have kids, what will you tell them about Santa Clause? IF I have kids I'm most likely going to keep the tradition going, like it's just fun and exciting for kids; you're doing no real psychological harm with something like that, it's innocent and I've never seen a kid NOT excited about Santa.

Do you think that pet stores are cruel for keeping animals in small cages? lol oh hunny, there are problems even bigger than tiny cages going on in chain pet stores. Yes, it's cruel. I fucking hate places like PetSmart or Petco, where it's about just pulling money in, corporate doesn't give a microscopic shit about the quality of life of its animals while there.

If you have ever been employed, have you ever been attracted to your boss? What about a co-worker? No.

Do [would] you avoid kissing your [possibly hypothetical] significant other when you or they are ill? Yes, at least on the lips. I'm the one that's dumb about it, if you're sick *I* don't mind simple kisses, however I shouldn't be that way; for right now though, since we don't live together, we don't really deal with this, if one of us is sick we tend to stay apart for both of our benefits.

Does it annoy you when people make their default of them kissing someone? No, why the hell should it????? People are allowed to love each other and be happy about it???????

If ambidextrous, do you prefer writing with your right or left hand? I'm not ambidextrous; I only write with my right hand.

Do you enjoy trolling? No, it's not something I get pleasure out of or anything, I've got better shit to do. And when *I*, an extremely non-busy person, says that, it means shit REALLY is not important.

Have you ever had a close encounter with a shark? Not knowingly, but it's possible. I'm going into their home when I decide to swim in the ocean, so.

What is a song you heard long before it became popular and everyone liked it? I can't think of a song, just a band: Train. I grew up hearing them because my mom's a fan, so I also became one as a kid, then "Hey Soul Sister" came out and they were big with other hits following. I have no idea how big they are now, but I still like them. "If It's Love" is even one of my top picks for a wedding song, lol.

What do you think of excessively long names? What about their shortenings? No opinion, I really just don't like making anyone feel bad about their name. Plenty of longer names are beautiful.

Can you learn the lyrics of a song by ear, or do you have to search them up? Both, but I almost always need to see the lyrics first; my auditory processing disorder makes me really bad at figuring out lyrics, ESPECIALLY for things like death metal and stuff (hell I think most people struggle with that one), I've got no fuckin' clue what you're saying. This happens regularly even with songs where the lyrics of performed quite clearly.

Do you like the name Amy? It's not high on my list of favorites or anything at all, but I think I like the name because I always associate it with Markiplier's literal gem of a girlfriend haha.

Have you ever got an x-ray? How about a brain scan? Multiple x-rays, and I got I think a CT scan when I got a concussion; it was that or an MRI, don't recall. I know CT scans are shorter though, and mine WAS very brief if I remember right, but I mean I was concussed, I don't remember things that well with a bruised brain lol.

[boyheros]

Ok I'm gonna dump a bunch of mvrck toh AU info i thought about over the past few days just so i can theoretically. Focus on my homework instead.

So Maverick & his mom live on some non-titan-corpse island somewhere in the boiling sea. I'm thinking of naming it "mirrors edge" or something equally dramatic. The island has a ton of really shiny stones on it, some of which are so reflective they look like mirrors, hence the name.

The island has a biped demon population of "changeling" type guys. Might call them something else i haven't decided yet. They can steal people's appearances and through that siphon our their magical powers or their life source or somethingggg.. like the first step is "getting mirrored" where if they see your face and try to mimic your appearance. Then, the more they learn about you (including non-physical things like your name, your hobbies, abilities, your past, etc) the more they can steal from you. Eventually they "change" you where you start to become one of them. Maybe. Idk if that's too off base for toh lore. Translating my oc lore into TV show lore is hard alright. Anyways. Changelings don't have reflections either so that's a way you can tell whether someone is the real deal. BUT people who are in the process of getting mirrored lose their reflection as well (bc it got stolen! Literally!) So that can cause some paranoia and mayhem or whatever. It's like among us.

The changelings on the island are magically bound to it (the mirror rocks specifically maybe? Idk if that's too like the collector-disk-prison though. That was done thru titan magic idk if normies could achieve it) by a group of witches who hope to keep them from running loose and. Draining and/or Turning everyone i guess. Eventually the population dwindled down to basically nothing because everyone was getting Taken and the remaining witches turned to creating grimwalkers in order to have ppl to continue the vigil

I was thinking of having the grimwalkers have a bonus 'ability' of like. Slowing down the "mirroring" and "changing" effects? Like because they're a clone and appear the same as someone else, it's harder to steal from them? Because they're not unique. That's kind of depressing but whatever. The same could also technically apply to identical twins.

So like. Bc Maverick and his mom are identical, and they're not the first grimwalkers with that face to get Turned, they last a lot longer when they eventually get seen and Mirrored. Maverick's mom ends up getting too affected and he's essentially left alone on the island, trying to keep up the binding spell.

Other people find the island at some point (i was thinking maybe some people fled during the events of toh? Like when Belos started getting too severe about wild magic, during the draining spell & subsequent collector takeover, etc) and Maverick is like uh oh. I have to make sure none of em get Seen... while also being oblivious about what's happening on the boiling isles LOL. Reo (& other relevant mvrck characters) would be in this refugee group and that's how they meet Maverick and become friends ❤️

After belos' defeat i figure the refugees would probably return home. Especially cuz mirrors edge is NOT SAFE for a different reason lol. Maverick would go along with them for funsies and also possibly to broaden his search for grimwalker ingredients. For his own replacement. He's aware he's a clone & desensitized to the implications so he wouldnt see anything wrong with that. This would be where oc & canon character interactions would probably happen. Especially with Hunter bc i think forcing them to meet would be hilarious and also bad for everyone's mental health.

[kpophubb]

2am :*^

🍯Should we make something special on fifth of each month😃 🎂🪴

❣️Also, I wanna wish you a great Friday and happy weekend🌿 cannot wait for your replies💗💓 sending you 🌠the biggest hug ever💖💗

And the playlist is ❌ Mia but MY MIA🫵🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Eat good ,rest well and be happy 🍀🌸💛💛

🐁

Hi baby😭💗 first of ALL,, resend me letter #1 bc the LINK WOULDN’T open!! Was it the ✉️ link? “Page not found” was being shown shsnsjsn pls I WANNA READ IT SO BAD cause each word you say is just so precious to me 🥹🫶🏻 and idk if you know but, letters are my favourite things to receive in general. 💌 physical ones are the BEST among em all.

First of all, pls do not worry about not being able to send me asks. I knew the conditions you were dealing with my love, I was just worried sick about you😭💗 I wanted to know how you were doing, whether you were doing okay, whether you met nice people or slept properly, whether you were sick or healthy and everything else to know. Every message you always send me and everything you say about yourself to me, they mean a lot to me so I remember every detail and wonder so much about you when you’re gone. 🥺

Sure we can make it our anniversary¿ on the 5th of every month?😍🙈 anything you’d like, I’m pretty bad with stuffs like this </3 I read your entire letter and first of all, WELCOME HOME TO ME MY LOVELY GIRL!! ❣️🫂 you’ve worked so hard and gone through so much, I’m sending you the warmest hugs and the sweetest head pats ever! To deal with so much, not everyone can do this you’re my strong and amazing girl who deserves to be applauded for her courage and strength! I’m really happy to hear that you’ve been getting a little better mentally and I hope the new year your life takes a 180• turn and you’re flooded with happiness, success, joy and a reunion with your family somewhere. 💗 you deserve it more than anyone I know baby!!

people are always mean and people will always be mean, for NO reason. Some people are just built w/ negative vibes and they have to make you feel less than whole and problematic, but in reality you’re not! I know it’s hard for you to get over the words and behaviour of other people, considering your selfless and friendly personality but I hope it gets easier for you and god surrounds you with nice and appreciative people who always remind you you’re worth so much ❤️ and ofc im here to give you the love and encouragement you need. I’ll try my best to give you the support of 100 genuine people/ friend so you will never feel lonely!! 😤

and oh pls WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!😭 ofc there are many many precious people on my blog- my anons, my moots, my followers and all of you mean the world to me but IN DIFFERENT WAYS. No one can replace no one. You’re gonna be YOU and I’m gonna love you IN YOUR DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE WAY THAT IS ONLY RESERVED FOR YOU! 👆🏻💋 and, I went on a trip to Middle East !! 🥰 I did receive gifts I mean I shopped a lot there so yeah count those as gifts from my mom? Ahaha lol. Anyway, I had the most peaceful new year I could ever think of! ~~

This year’s gonna be tough for me!! I need to work real hard and face a lot of challenges and especially the first few months are gonna be hectic and draining. I move out next month and then have to literally build a new life somewhere unknown w unknown people 💔 which makes me super anxious but I’ll get through it!! 🫶🏻 my lovely anonie, I wish you stay healthy, happy and wish I can continue to brighten up your life, day and entire year!!😘 I love you and here’s the squishiest hugs ever for you!! If you’d want, we can ofc be closer and even call eachother and send eachother voice messages 🫶🏻 (ofc if you’d want it someday) btw, I did so many face reveals these few months 🤭 idk if you saw tehee 👉🏻👈🏻