#and home is mentally draining bc of my mom.

[prettyboysmlm]

welcome to: kantilen has an existential crisis part who fucking knows!

[spaceradars]

.

[mikashisus]

TOO SWEET!

SUMMARY: it's halloween, and your plans with your best friend are cut short. arlecchino, your intimidating yet friendly neighbor, asks you for a favor, which eventually leads to a startling confession.

PAIRING: lyney x vampire!fem!reader (can be read as gn tbh)

warnings: fluff/humor, slight angst, blood + blood drinking (vampire core!)

wc: 3.6k

notes: partly bullshittery honestly. also yes this was heavily inspired by 'my babysitter's a vampire' bc i literally love that show with my whole heart and i will forever be angry that it was removed from netflix. this was barely edited so i apologize for any errors 😔🙏

this is my entry for the @/stellaronhvnters halloween event! prompt: vampires!

You cursed, the line going straight to voicemail. Tonight was Halloween, and your best friend, Citlali, wasn’t answering her phone. 

She was shit at answering her phone in general, but tonight was special. Four months ago, the two of you planned what you were going to do on Halloween night, even going as far as to set event reminders on your phones.

First, you were going to go to a haunted amusement park and get scared out of your minds. Then, you were going to go see that new trashy horror movie that was supposedly only good because Fontaine’s biggest star, Furina, was starring as the main character. Finally, you were going to buy fast food and return to your house for a sleepover. 

Wasn’t like you could sleep, anyway. 

Yet, it seemed as if all your plans were going down the drain, as not only was she not answering her phone, but she was a no-show at the amusement park. You were waiting around for about an hour, but there was no sign of her at all. You debated calling her mom, your finger hovering over the contact. 

Quickly pocketing your phone and getting back into your car, you decided you’d just go back home and ask her about it tomorrow. To say you were disappointed was an understatement, especially since you’ve been looking forward to this night for months. 

As you pulled into your driveway and angrily exited your car, you saw your neighbor’s door slamming shut. You shivered. Your neighbor, Arlecchino, was a scary and intimidating woman with three children around the same age as you. Even though your families were cordial with each other, you never made the move to befriend her kids. You didn’t think you’d ever get along anyway, especially since you all had extremely different interests and belonged to different social circles. 

Before you even had the chance to make it to your front door, she called out to you. You mentally cursed yourself out and turned to face her, greeting her with a shy smile. 

She returned it with a cordial one of her own. 

“Are you just coming home from an outing with friends?” She questioned, eyeing the purse hanging from your arm. 

You let out a heavy sigh. “I’m afraid not. She bailed at the last minute.” 

“I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“It is what it is. I’ll text her in the morning.” You shrugged. “Did you need something?” 

Arlecchino, although intimidating, was a lovely person to hold a conversation with. She was a businesswoman after all. Conversing with others was in her job description. 

Suddenly, you felt hungry. Deciding you’d eat after Arlecchino left, you checked your phone for the time. It was still early enough that the streets would be filled with people, so you’d have to wait another hour or so— unless you were stealthy, but knowing you and your curse of being a klutz, you’d cause a scene almost immediately. 

And you couldn’t have the entire neighborhood show up at your door with pitchforks, so you’d just have to wait until the crowds dispersed. 

“Yes, actually…” The woman in front of you noticed your frantic fidgeting and changed the subject. “Are you alright, (Name)?” 

You let out a nervous chuckle. “I’m fine, I just haven’t eaten much today, so…” 

That was a lie. You haven’t had your fill in over a week, and your cravings were continuously getting worse. If you waited even a night more, you might just pass out. 

She hummed in understanding. “I see. Well, I was hoping you were free to watch my darling children tonight,” she said, “Clervie and I have dinner plans, and our usual babysitter canceled due to a family emergency. I’d greatly appreciate it if you could look over them for us while we’re out. I’ll pay you handsomely for your trouble.” 

You were more than surprised at her proposal. Any chance to gain easy cash was a welcome one in your book, but you were also confused. Weren’t her kids your age? Why was she asking you to babysit them if they could take care of themselves? 

You knew Freminet was younger than you, and that was understandable if she wanted you to watch him, but Lyney and Lynette too? Weren’t they also eighteen like you? 

Noticing your confused stare, she elaborated. “Lyney and Lynette decided to blatantly disobey my rules a few nights ago. As a result, I’ve deemed them unable to watch Freminet on their own. That is why I have asked you to do it instead.” 

She sighed, placing a hand to her temple, and you knew that look– it was the expression your mother wore every time you did something to piss her off. 

“Sure,” you answered, shrugging, “my plans were canceled, as you know, so I don’t mind.” 

She sent you a tight-lipped smile. “You have my thanks. There’s plenty of food in the kitchen, and you can find all our drinks out in the garage. Please, help yourself.” She placed a delicate hand to the small of your back and led you into her house.

Now that you thought about it, you’ve never been inside her house before. Maybe you have, once when you were still young, but you didn’t recall it. So, in your mind, this was your first time entering the old house you always considered to look like a haunted mansion on the outside. 

You sent a quick text to Citlali, hoping she’d answer, though you knew at this point that your night together wouldn’t be able to come to fruition. 

The house was loud as you entered, with Clervie, Arlecchino’s wife, arguing about something with who you presumed to be Lyney. In the living room, the tv was on, with an old classic horror film playing. Freminet was seated on the couch, his legs crossed, and his eyes glued to the tv screen. Lynette was lying next to him, her feet sitting on his lap and her head dangling over the armrest of the couch as she scrolled through social media on her phone. 

In another room, you could hear the voices of two more children. Weird, you thought, I thought they only had three kids. As if reading your mind, Arlecchino answered your question. 

“We’re housing foster children at the moment. They’re sweet children, you’ll find them to be cooperative.” 

With a nod, you continued following her into the kitchen. There, as you suspected, sat Lyney on one of the barstools, arguing with his mother. Clervie was dressed to the nines in a long, white dress that hugged her curves and had a sweetheart neckline. A necklace with a skull sat around her neck, and her hair was pulled up into an elegant updo. 

“I told you, this is because you broke me and your Father’s trust,” she scolded her son with a pointed look, “now, we must be going.” She picked up her purse as soon as you entered, and headed straight for your direction. 

She sent you a smile, and it was then you wondered if she was an angel sent from heaven. She embraced you excitedly, holding you tightly. “You’ve grown so big! Thank you so much for taking these rascals off our hands for us.” 

You returned her smile, finding her way easier to talk to than Arlecchino. “Of course, it’s not a problem.” 

But there was going to be a problem if you didn’t eat soon. The more you dilly-dallied, the more your hunger increased. 

Clervie thanked you once more, promising to pay you as soon as they returned from their outing. She pressed a quick kiss to Lyney’s head and bid her farewells to the other children before her and Arlecchino were out the door, leaving you standing idly by yourself and a dumbfounded Lyney. 

You turned to him, only to see him staring at you wide-eyed and his jaw slack. Lynette (you didn’t even know when she appeared) was standing beside her brother, a way calmer expression on her face than her brother’s. She blinked at you, before waving politely. 

“When Father told us she was going to find a last minute babysitter, you were not what I had in mind.” She told you bluntly. 

Shrugging, you eyed the bowl of apples on the island and made a beeline for them. “Trust me, I was just as surprised as you. I wasn’t expecting to be babysitting tonight, I was supposed to be getting high with my best friend.” 

Taking a bite out of the apple, you let out a sigh of relief. This would have to satisfy your hunger for now, just until you could slip away and quickly grab a real bite. 

Lynette shared a look with her brother. “Citlali, right?” 

You nodded. “Yeah. Nerdy, know-it-all, has an obsession with the school’s lab.” 

She hummed. “I’ve partnered with her a few times before on a project.” 

“Yikes, sorry.” You chuckled, knowing how hardcore your best friend could be when it came to projects. 

“It’s fine. She’s cool.” Lynette shrugged halfheartedly and reached for an apple. 

Lyney, who had been staring at you this whole time as if he’d seen a ghost, finally cleared his throat and brought your attention to him. “So, uh… sorry Father dragged you into this. It’s our fault you’re here right now.” 

Lynette nodded, agreeing with her brother. Truthfully, you were a bit upset you were here instead of in your bedroom watching Coraline or Halloweentown, but you were also glad you didn’t have to spend the night alone. Your parents were out, your younger sister was trick-or-treating with her friends in another neighborhood, and your grandparents were on a vacation in Mondstadt. 

“We kinda forgot to watch Freminet a few nights ago when Father and Mother were at Heloir and Foltz’s choir concert,” Lyney continued, looking away bashfully, “and when Mother found out, we were in for a stern talking-to.” 

Lynette sighed softly. “Forgive us. Please.” 

You smiled at them. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I would’ve had to spend the night alone otherwise.” 

Checking your phone, you could feel your hands shake. You needed to eat, or else you’d collapse within the next hour. That, and you had a bad feeling about your best friend’s lack of response to your texts. Usually, she would’ve responded by now with an explanation, but there was none. She didn’t even open your messages. 

Did she even have her phone on? You checked her location, only to see she was in her house. Odd. She definitely should’ve responded by now. You were getting a bit worried. 

“But uh, I need to go.” 

The twins gave you a confused look, and Lyney quickly hurried after you as you bolted for the front door. “Wait, wait. Didn’t you just say—“ 

“Look.” You turned to them with an agitated expression. “I’m hungry, and my best friend isn’t answering her phone, and I’m worried something has happened to her. You guys are completely capable of watching your brother on your own. You don’t need me.” 

Lyney seemed to deflate like a balloon at your words. “But what about Father? She’ll be pissed if she finds out you bailed—“ 

“Then I’ll get back before she gets home.” You stated confidently, swinging the front door open. 

The twins watched you sprint down the driveway and down the road. Lynette turned to her brother. “Idiot. You scared her away.” 

“What!?” He slammed the front door shut and followed his sister into the kitchen. “How’d I screw this up??” 

“Because you were gawking at her like she’s a full course meal,” she picked up her phone and opened a bag of chips, “seriously, you need to get over her and stop drooling. It’s sad watching you fumble.” 

Lyney pouted. “Lynette…” 

She looked up at him briefly. “I’m just stating a fact. She’s way out of your league.” 

It was true that Lyney had a big fat crush on you. Ever since you moved in next door when you were children, he has had feelings for you. He was perfectly content to watch you from afar during elementary school and middle school, but ever since your first year of high school, he had enough of that puppy love. 

He wanted to get closer to you, to befriend you and maybe turn that friendship into something more. Yet, you never acknowledged him. You never even looked his way. It seemed as if he was nothing to you, just another student attending your school. He was jealous the first time you got a boyfriend, and he was devastated when the one time you did talk to him, you completely forgot who he was the next day. 

Now that you showed up at his house, he had some hope. Hope that he’d finally get to befriend you. But… you walked off, and he wasn’t sure you’d ever speak to him again. He lost once more. 

He pouted like a kicked puppy, and Lynette could only ignore his whining for so long. Finally, when she had enough of his self-pitied sighing, she leapt off the barstool and grabbed her jacket. “Let’s go.” 

Lyney perked up, raising a brow as Lynette threw his jacket at him and pulled on her sneakers. “Where are we going?” 

“After her,” she said as if it was obvious, “duh.” 

Lyney shuffled after her, pulling his own shoes on. He tossed a glance towards Freminet, who was too engrossed in the movie he was watching to even notice his siblings getting ready to leave. 

“But what about Freminet, Heloir, and Foltz?” 

“They’re fine. If we left them alone before and they didn’t burn the house down, then now shouldn’t be a problem either.” 

Lyney sighed. He loved his sister, but she was a handful sometimes. Even more so than he was, on occasion. With a small whine, he followed her out the door, shutting it behind him. 

The streets were mostly empty. You were lucky you left when you did, otherwise no one would be on the streets. You didn’t like feeding directly off of someone, but you were left with no choice. 

The vendor you usually bought from was away on vacation this weekend with his family, so you were unable to get your fill from his wares. 

He warned you, you thought, he told you weeks ago he wouldn’t be here on Hallows Eve. And yet… you still forgot. 

“Feed from an animal.” Your mother told you, but you outright refused. 

You refused to touch animals. They didn’t deserve to be harmed simply cause you needed to feed. When you told your mother that, she didn’t understand. 

“So you’d rather harm a human?” 

You never answered her question, but she already knew the answer, so there was no need. 

You spotted a man riding his bike and decided he would be your food tonight. Although you hated feeding from men (their blood didn’t taste as good— in your opinion), you’d rather them than an innocent woman. 

In an instant, you had him down on the ground, your fangs digging into the side of his neck. You kept one hand over his mouth and the other on his shoulder to keep him from running. He clawed at your hands, leaving scratches that hurt like hell, but you knew they’d heal up later, so you didn’t care. 

A loud crash startled you, and the now unconscious man was left on the sidewalk. You wiped the blood from your mouth and glanced at him. He’d live. You only needed a little bit of his blood to satiate you until the vendor returned in two days with a whole month’s worth of food for you. 

You eyed the alleyway closest to you with narrowed brows. “Who’s there? Show yourself.” 

Just in case there was a witness, you weren’t afraid to also feed from them. You couldn’t have the entire city after your head, after all. Imagining your neighbors showing up to your door with pitchforks in their hands did sound a bit amusing. Though, pitchforks were too outdated. 

Maybe they’d show up with guns instead, who knows. 

It was silent as you waited for whoever was behind the dumpster to move. The more you waited, the more impatient you became. Your eye twitched. You took a step forward, ready to go to them yourselves, when two people stepped out from behind the dumpster— two familiar people. 

Your eyes widened. “Lyney? Lynette!?” you stared at them in surprise, your jaw falling slack as you tried to string together your own thoughts. 

Lyney could feel his heart pounding against his chest. There was blood on your lips and around your mouth, shiny and fresh. He could see the body on the ground behind you, and he could spot your fangs protruding from your mouth. 

Were you… a vampire? 

He had his suspicions when he got a quick glimpse of your fangs an hour ago, but he also didn’t want to jump to conclusions so quickly— it was Halloween, after all. In the end, his gut feeling was correct, and now he wasn’t sure whether he should run for his life or interrogate the hell out of you. 

What does one do when they find out their neighbor of all people is a vampire?  

There isn’t really a handbook for this stuff. There should be, he thought. 

Lynette was more composed, but Lyney could tell she also harbored a bit of fear in her heart too. Judging by the way her eyes were blown wide and her shoulders were tense, he could tell she was prepared to book it at a moment’s notice. 

“I… I promise this isn’t what it looks like—“ 

“Are you sure about that!?” Lyney interrupted you, pointing to the unconscious man behind you. “Because it sure as hell looks like you just drank that man’s blood! Like… like a vampire!” 

You sighed, cutting to the chase. The clock was ticking and you were tired. “Y’know what? Whatever, it is what it looks like. I’m a vampire.” 

The nonchalance of your words threw the twins for a loop. They sputtered, opening and closing their mouths like fishes out of water. You stared at them, waiting for a whole slew of questions to be thrown your way. 

They didn’t come until a few moments later, and you were glad the silence was finally broken. Any more of that awkward silence and you likely would’ve cried. 

“How— what!?” 

Your stomach rumbled, and you cursed under your breath. How were you still hungry? That man’s blood should’ve been enough to satiate you. You checked your phone, and to your relief, Citlali finally replied to your worried messages. 

The contents of her texts made your blood boil. A growl involuntarily escaped your lips and the twins flinched at the sound. 

“Listen,” you spat, pocketing your phone, “I’m hungry and my best friend just texted me saying she got bit by my ex-boyfriend. I don’t have time to sit here and explain shit to you!” 

Your voice raised each sentence, and your apparent anger was making your hunger worse somehow. “If you want the full sob story, ask me tomorrow! But tonight is an overall shitty night for me, and all I wanna do is get back to my house, with my stomach full, and go the fuck to bed.” 

You turned on your heel, your chest heaving, and began speed walking down the sidewalk back to your house. You tried calling Citlali, but she wasn’t answering, and now you were even more furious than before. 

“Wait!” Lyney called out, catching up to you. 

“I don’t have time for this!” You yelled back, about to fly away, but the next words from his mouth startled you into a halt. 

“Y-You can drink from me! As much as you need!” 

You kept your back to him, mulling over his pleas in your head. Was he seriously offering himself up on a silver platter? 

Usually, you were vehemently against drinking blood from anyone unless your vendor was out of stock or like now, on vacation and you couldn’t reach him. It went against the promise you made to yourself when you first became a vampire— when your idiot ex didn’t take your feelings into account and turned you without caring about the consequences it’d cause for you. 

And now he turned Citlali, too, and quite frankly, you felt a little more than just betrayal. First he turned you, and then the person you cared the most about. He really wanted to make your life miserable, didn’t he? 

With a sigh, you turned to face the twins, who were giving each other an uneasy look. Lynette placed a hand on Lyney’s arm. 

“Are you sure about this, brother? What if you die?” 

“I would never kill someone,” you stated firmly, “I only drink until they go unconscious. I never drink to kill, only to satiate my hunger until my vendor returns to town with his blood supply restocked.” 

Lynette was still wary, but she slowly lowered her arm and nodded curtly in understanding. 

You shifted your gaze to Lyney, who was fidgeting ever so slightly. You could hear his heart hammering against his ribcage and you could sense the fear he was trying so desperately to hide with a neutral expression. 

“Are you sure, Lyney?” You questioned, raising a brow. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Y-Yes, I’m sure.” You could hear the obvious stutter in his voice, but you chose not to comment on it. 

If he was sure, then who were you to refuse free blood? 

You stepped closer to him, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. “This’ll hurt,” you muttered, watching the way his lip trembled a bit, “thank you.”

Your fangs sank into his neck, and the sweet taste of his blood hit your tongue.

notes: this was supposed to be longer but i got lazy and everything was starting to not make sense so i decided to just cut the rest and stick with this.

© 2024 mikashisus. do not plagiarize, copy, repost, feed to ai, or translate my works to any other platforms.

[andhumanslovedstories]

Hi dear. I saw your post about pain management - thank you so much for it, it was an inspiring read, also it made it so obvious that you are truly passionate about being a nurse or rather, helping people and being present for those who need it the most. I wanted to ask - do you feel your job as a nurse affects the care you give in your interpersonal relationships and if yes, then how? rather negatively or positively? this is something I think about a lot bc my husband would love to study to become a nurse because he has a heart full of love and care, I knew he would be so good at it, but we are also having our firstborn soon and I just worry that being a nurse might be so draining that what if there is no energy for me and the baby. I really want to support my husband and I know this might be a silly question, but having read how you think I would so much love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

My big disclaimer for this is that I'm currently on medical leave for depression that wasn't CAUSED by my work but was definitely exacerbated by it and definitely worse when I was on shift. I've also been dealing with depression for a long time, and it's always interfered with my jobs at some point. The main problem is that it's a lot worse to have brain fog at a hospital than it is at an ice cream shop. I consider nursing to be a protective factor for my mental health SOMETIMES. It is work that I find meaning in and makes me proud. It can be an exhausting job but also a rewarding one. Extra compassion is also a double-edged sword: it can make you a better nurse, and it can also drain you that much faster because you get invested. Self-care is a part of the nursing code of ethics because the job in part because compassion fatigue is so easy to get if you aren't careful with your limits.

It is a draining job. I've begged off lot of things due to my schedule and feeling exhausted (but I am a homebody hermit). It's also a job a lot of people balance with raising children. My mom (who was already a nurse when I was born) liked the flexibility of the schedule. I work with dozens of nurses who have children. Many are mothers who are still breastfeeding infants. Some actively participate in their family life, some don't, and I don't know how much that has to do with their specific job. You know your husband. Does he already struggle to balance work/school/responsibilities and personal life? That's an issue with any career, but I do think healthcare is a profession where it can get even harder.

oops another nursing essay under the cut

(Plus, in terms of timing in with your newborn, congrats btw, your husband will have to go through nursing school first if he decides on this track, and minimum that will take like 15 months if he has all the pre-reqs and gets into an accelerated program. When it comes to dealing with a newborn, schooling might be more of a stumbling block than the job itself. I know a lot of people who consider nursing school to be one of the worst times of their lives. He might be able to do LPN [licensed practical nurse] instead of RN [registered nurse]. RN requires a bachelors and has a larger scope of practice and generally higher pay. I know almost nothing about getting your LPN license so he'll have to investigate that himself. I'll say the hospital systems that I've been in not only prefer RNs but often have requirements that people without a certain amount of experience MUST get their bachelors after X amount of time.)

I would also say not all nursing jobs are created equal in terms of labor, emotional and otherwise. My first job was in home health which got me somewhat emotionally enmeshed with the family I primarily worked with, but it also wasn't emotionally distressing. Nurses on our oncology floors and the ICU have a different experience than nurses who work in elective short-stay surgery. And different people find different things draining. I find working with end-of-life patients to be energizing in my work; a lot of people don't. My aunt worked pediatrics because she found working with children must less distressing than working with a geriatric population. Some people thrive in the chaos and speed of the emergency room, while I find it to be a tremendously depressing place that I hate floating to.

I think you'd have to ask my loved ones if really if it affects how much I care for them. Speaking personally for myself: I think it is overall positive for my relationships. I like the rhythm of nursing, I like the philosophy of nursing, I like who nursing makes me be. I like that nursing work is impossible to bring home. You can bring the emotions home, but you leave the patients at the hospital. It's simple for a bedside nurse to keep a strong division between their work self and their home self, but it's not necessarily easy. And again, I'm off work right now and probably will be for a bit longer so. yknow. He should make sure he's got a good support system in place.

Also some states and cities are far, far better than others when it comes to nursing regulations. Are there legally mandated staff ratios where you work? How many hospitals are in the area? Are any of them union? What does the compensation look like? What is the turnover rate? Nursing could be a great profession in general, but it might not be great in your particular location.

My last point would be that working in healthcare can make you feel...disconnected, I guess, from people who don't. Healthcare is such a culture unto itself. Sometimes I'd be like that meme of guy at party hanging out in the corner thinking, "they don't know yesterday I took care of a patient in a situation so fucked and depressing that it's now an ethics case." Or on the other hand, "they don't know that a patient called me their guardian angel and cried while they thanked me." The fact that healthcare is a different world is neither a pro nor a con, but something to consider. Depending on how you spend your days, his life might start to have parts that look very different from yours. I loved having a nurse as a mother and listening to her stories. My father banned all anecdotes involving poop and gore from his presence.

I hope you and your husband figure out the best way possible for him to use that compassion, which might be nursing or might not be. Either way, good luck to you guys!

[transmechanicus]

Mom visiting again for 10 days. Have no idea how to interact with her in my own space bc there's no privacy or free time for me, and i feel the obligation to be a good host n stuff and entertain her. It makes it super socially and mentally draining to be at home and just makes me want to stay at work as long as possible even if i have nothing I can get done. Next week there's also a wedding I have to go to that I'm really not psyched about bc i just hate formal occasions in general, this really fucking sucks and i have no solution but to be bitter and avoidant. She also doesn't support me spending time with my partner bc they're poly which Ok Sure Whatever i don't really care abt her Thoughts on it, but she's also using the car All Day so im physically Prevented from seeing them. My partner is also specifically amazing bc they provide a ton of background gender affirmation that i really appreciate and really sucks to be deprived of. My mom is also transphobic in really specific ways arising from the fact that she Cannot Believe I didn't come out sooner or involve my parents in my name choice, which is fuckin unfair considering my father listened to ben shapiro n co while i was in undergrad as recently as like 4yrs ago.

TL;DR I miss my partner, I don't like not having personal space, also work sucked today, i have to work all weekend on short notice, my mom is not as supportive as she freaking thinks she is, and all of these things make me ANGERY AND UPSET!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!

[hydn-jpg]

hello!! i am alive !!!!

how have y'all been? i've definitely been better lol

so... i can explain. or maybe not. i've never been good at talking about things but i'll do my best

under the cut bc a bunch of things happened and this'll probably be very long:

honestly where do i even start?

it has been a very rough almost month and a half for me, it was as if whatever god or entity out there went "lol wouldn't it be funny if we made this person go through several bad things all within the span of a few weeks" and then did just that

in early august i got a call from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. i had just gotten home from class at the time, but i immediately went out again and took the soonest available flight back to korea for her funeral. losing her hit me pretty hard honestly, she was the one i turned to when things were hard, and was also the only one who was generally supportive of my identity and sexuality. she didn't really get it, but she never made homophobic or transphobic comments, and was always kind and unconditionally loving. chuseok this year will be difficult without her around but at least she is in a better place i hope.

i took two weeks off from school to stay with my family after that. when i got back i was mostly catching up on all the classes i missed so i had very little time to do anything else. the stress coupled with all the physical exertion and everything else lead me to have the worst asthma attack i've experienced as of yet, it could've gotten a lot worse if it weren't for my kind neighbours who rushed to help me when they saw me struggling in the hallway

then in late august i got into a car accident. i was driving home from campus (which is an hour away), it was raining very heavily and i guess i lost control of my car. i am not sure what exactly happened honestly, one moment i was driving peacefully (and at appropriate speed for driving in the rain) and the next moment my car was spinning around and hitting the guardrails before crashing. it sounds cliché but everything was in slow motion and i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. i'm really thankful that the highway was basically empty, so no one else was affected. i somehow came out of the accident with only a concussion, a badly sprained arm and neck and some cuts and bruises. those will surely heal with time but the trauma of it will probably stay for quite a while.

so that's what happened. my mental health has not been great but i've been feeling a bit better lately! so that's good. i've been too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to do anything haha.

i probably won't be able to draw for a while thanks to my injury so you won't be seeing any art from me for at least another month or so,, to people i still owe commissions to, i will have to give you an IOU because again, i can't draw rn but also because i lost basically all the art that i haven't backed up during the crash, which unfortunately includes the commission sketches :( i'm so sorry, i'll redraw them as soon as i'm able to. i really wish procreate had an automatic cloud backup system so at least the sketches i did were saved but we can't always get what we want i guess,,

thank you to everyone who reached out and asked about my wellbeing and i'm really sorry for ignoring your messages and tags. i'll get to them as soon as i can!

tldr; my grandma passed, i had a bad asthma attack and i got into a car accident but i am okay. not really but i'll be okay maybe. lmao.

[hypergamiss]

I feel so drained all the time bc I’m living in my toxic parents home. Thanks to the economy, and my binge eating issue, it’s been a struggle to save money. I get in arguments all the time with my mom, especially regarding how chill she is with my troublemaker younger siblings versus how my sister and I were raised. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so full of rage on how unfair things are. I listened to her two years ago when I could’ve transferred colleges, but she (and dad by extent) guilt tripped me into staying home, and wasting my money on online classes that went nowhere. Due to depression I began binge eating, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better tbh. I’ve wasted sm money, and my teeth are messed up due to all the sugar.  /: I feel stuck. I know I should be trying to move forward but I feel so depressed, no $ for therapy tho of course. I know I’ll regret it but I can’t seem to move forward. The anger keeps me in place. Could go into detail about how I wasn’t allowed to do anything in hs or even make friends, even community college I went to a super small one w no opportunities. I had sm ambition, sm drive, all feels like it’s been argued out of me. I’m tired of my words being misconstrued, of always being seen as a selfish bad person. I’m just done with it all. I want to give up sometimes, just throw my hands up and say f it, and keep binging, keep wasting $, and not caring about anything. But a tiny part of me does want to improve which is why I’m messaging you. 

Toxic family dynamics mixed with a crappy economy is a recipe for burnout. But here's the thing: you're still here, and that tiny spark wanting to improve? That's your inner warrior, not ready to give up! Try looking at things through this lens:

Your Parents are NOT the Economy: Yes, things are tough, but focusing on how they guilt-tripped you won't open a savings account. Let's ditch the blame game (for now) and focus on what YOU can control.

Binge-Eating as Rebellion: I get it. When control is taken away, we sometimes find it in destructive ways. That sugar rush is a temporary middle finger to those unfair rules. But girl, your teeth and your temple(body) deserve better!

Channel the Rage: You want to give up? Fine! But instead of giving up on yourself, give up on caring what they think! Use that anger to fuel a job search, create a hustle, literally ANYTHING that screams, "Screw you, I'm taking my life back!"

Tiny Steps > No Steps: Therapy is out of reach for now, but there are free mental health resources online. Even just journaling out that rage is better than letting it consume you. You are much stronger than you think.

"Selfish" is the New Self-Care: Remember those ambitions? It's time to be ruthlessly selfish about reclaiming them. Not the kind that harms others, but the kind that says, "My dreams matter, and I refuse to let them die here."

It won't be easy, and there may be slip-ups. But even posting this shows you're not fully down for the count. Dust yourself off, get scrappy, and use that anger to prove everyone (including yourself) wrong. You deserve better, and sometimes, the only way out is through.

[cosmicheartz]

More in-depth details abt Crystal and Clems falling out that happens in my hc/au along with a couple hcs

CW for mentions of suicide/self harm, parental abuse/neglect, bullying and toxic relationships

So in the post I made abt my hcs for older Crystal and Clem I mentioned they had a falling out during Clems last year at camp and I thought I’d talk about how it happened

Before I talk about that I wanna talk a bit about my hcs/speculations on both of their home lives bc it does come into play

CLEM: so its heavily implied on his campster that he and his dad don’t have a good relationship along with his dad being verbally abusive to him

We don’t have any info on his mom but I think she either A. Is out of the picture ( death, divorce etc ) B. Similarly abusive or C. Enables her husbands abuse towards his son ( either due to not caring or fear of also being abused )

I also feel like his dad would be physically abusive too ( to what severity I’m unsure )

When Clem gets older he’s either kicked out or he runs away. A scenario I have in mind that would lead to that is that he finally retaliates against his father ( most likely with psi powers and possibly leading to his fathers death or injury )

I think that Clem is also extremely envious of the campers who have happy ( or presumably happy ) home lives, it could be somewhat implied depending on how you interpret the tone on this post on Elton’s campster

So yea he has a really rough home life

He also most likely barely has any friends in his hometown too.

CRYSTAL: we don’t really have any canonical info on her home life so I’ll just talk about my personal interpretation

Compared to Clem her home life isn’t as “ bad “ but is still shitty. I feel like her parents could neglectful/distant and would dismiss their daughters clear mental health struggles ( ie oh it’s just a phase/I’ve had similar issues when I was her age but I pushed though it )

I’ve also seen some interpretations of them being very religious which I im not sure if I hc that but it’s interesting to think about.

Personally I think the major factor to her depression is that she’s severely bullied/ostracized at school ( especially if she’s in an area where there’s little to no psychics )

Another thing I’d like to note is that compared to Clem it seems that some of the other campers are genuinely worried about her mental state

I excluded Elka, Kitty and Nils bc they didn’t seem all that geniune/had ulterior motives ( I also omitted Chops replying to Bennys comment bullying her bc idk if that would fully count but I personally think he’s concerned for her well-being )

Clem doesn’t exactly have this on his campster

Sure he has positive testimonies but none of them seem to be concerned about his mental state compared to Crystals

^ This is the closest thing we have and even then Milka doesn’t seem to be all that concerned but moreso confused on why he was stealing the drain-o

I think that ends up affecting Clem and causes him to become jealous of Crystal but bottles up those feelings because he doesn’t want to bother her with his issues.

Anyways after the events of psychonauts 1/the campers having their brains stolen/Crystal and Clems “ project “ Crystal starts to be like “ oh shit maybe I should try and better my mental health “ it’s tough at first for her but she does genuinely wanna get better. She starts reaching out to the counselors ( both the canonical ones like Milla and some personal oc counselors since I hc that there’s more counselors than Sasha Milla and Coach ) along with the other campers ( Phoebe I think is one of the campers she starts to hang out with more often )

Clem however doesn’t hold the same viewpoints and throws himself in the cycle of faking positivity and partaking in self harm/planning his next “ project “. Eventually he stops the faking positivity altogether and just becomes incredibly withdrawn and kind of rude/snappy to the other campers

Crystal tries to help him but she can only do so much. It’s also pretty mentally/emotionally taxing for her bc Clem tries to drag her down with his cynicism so she starts to hang out with him less ( she still makes sure he’s not harming himself )

Clem takes notice of the fact Crystal is less keen on hanging out with him and it makes his jealously worse. It gets to the point where he can’t bottle it up anymore and he starts to become kinda cold to her? Also manipulative to an extent bc he notices that regarding their suicide pact she’s been “ flaking out “ along with making her promise to not tell anyone about what happened during that one summer.

It causes Crystal a lot of distress and her mental state starts to regress. Someone notices ( ie a camper or counselor ) and asks if she’s ok to which she tells them everything ( the suicide pact she and Clem had and how she’s concerned for his mental state ). Crystal also begs them not to tell Clem that she said that if they end up deciding to confront him about it.

When someone inevitably confronts Clem about what Crystal told them ( ie his suicidal tendencies and he and crystals attempting a suicide pact that one summer ) he immediately knows that Crystal blabbed.

This results in a huge argument between them with Crystal trying to reason with Clem and him finally spilling out his bottled up feelings towards her. He says some pretty nasty things to her in an attempt to make her feel worse and Crystal ends up saying some choice things too.

Afterwards Clem gives her the cold shoulder ( even when Crystal tries to apologize for what she said ) and basically becomes reclusive. He’s just waiting to get out of this stupid camp.

So Clem graduates from whispering rock without so much as a goodbye to Crystal

Crystal feels so awful about it which results in her going through a really bad mental health situation. Luckily she has a support system to help her get through it even if it’s only at camp.

Her home life is still pretty bad but she does end up getting a therapist ( though her parents aren’t exactly thrilled about it ) and she starts to hone her skills in levitation along with learning mental projection and psi punch. She also becomes pen pals with some of the former campers including Phoebe, Quentin and Lili ( she doesn’t fully reconnect with Raz until she starts her internship )

Crystal starts her internship at Pyschonauts when she’s around 15 and reconnects with her camp friends including Raz. She often hangs out with Lili so she and Raz end up becoming pretty close ( she ends up gaining a small crush on both him and Lili and maybe Phoebe later down the line bc I think they’re cute )

I haven’t decided on who her mentor would be yet though. Maybe Gisu or Morris bc they seemingly specialize in levitation? I’ll need to continue watching Holly play pyschonauts 2 to know for sure. I love @/doodle17s idea of her having psyball rollerblades/roller skates so I’m thinking of using that idea for her

Meanwhile Clem is in spiral which results in him hating humanity and starts to become a villain. At first it was pretty minor/petty crime things but as he got older it the crimes became more serious to the point he’s getting involved with the psychic mafia ( ran by Maloof )

Crystal does still attempt to check in with Clem though to usually no avail ( the only reason she knows he’s not dead is bc she’s in contact with Mikhail who has contact with Clem along with him occasionally responding though it’s very rare for him to and if he does it’s very a short/blunt conversation )

I’m still trying to hash out on the details on when they “ reunite “ ( deciding between when she becomes a junior psychonaut or when she ends up tagging along on a mission with Raz and co )

[scary-monsters]

I genuinely don't know how much longer I can do this

I try to keep mental health shit off this blog as much as possible bc that's not what it's for, it's supposed to be a place to share the things I make and to support others that love the same characters as I do. But also I need to be human sometimes

I haven't been getting enough sleep, my body won't let me rest more than 6 hours a night because I'm constantly riddled with anxiety and the pressure to work work work, be productive, do things or else you're useless.

I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford to buy groceries most weeks and rarely have time to cook on the days I work. Most of the time I eat one meal a day and that's only on my 30min break at work. My body doesn't even like to take anything more than that.

I haven't bought new clothes in at least 2 years, because I can't afford to and why would I when I never go anywhere except work? If I have a day off I don't have the energy to try and look nice, I throw on old jeans and a t-shirt. And it sucks because clothing has always been a passion of mine and I used to take so much pride in the way I present myself. I miss that part of me.

I'm miserable all the time, if I'm at work I'm only thinking about suicide. I cry all the time. Yes I go to therapy, yes I have a psychiatrist, yes I take medication for my disorder. But it feels like nothing helps anymore.

My therapist asked me two days ago what the barriers to my goals and happiness are and I didn't even hesitate when I answered "work". My job is draining me to a point that is scary for me, I feel trapped in it because no matter how many applications I do, I always get 'no's. The jobs I do have a good shot at pay significantly less than what I currently make, so I can't risk losing that pay. I live by myself, I pay for everything by myself. I don't have anyone else to lean on.

We recently had a loss in the family, and while I handled it pretty well it also brought up all the other loss I've experienced in my life, and there's been a lot. To a point where if my mom calls and says "I need to talk to you", I immediately assume someone else has passed. So all I can think about lately is all those people and all the missed opportunities I had with them.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I can't help looking at suicide as my only option to get out of how shitty everything feels all the time. I'm only happy when I'm making art or writing or talking to friends, but when I don't have the energy to do those things?? What then? I sit here and stare at a screen and cry and wish I could be anyone other than myself. I can't measure up, and I'm kinda tired of trying.

I had to call in today because I can't do it, I feel myself falling apart at the seams, I've been snapping at coworkers and having attitude with customers, that's not me, but I feel like I'm losing myself. But because I called in I've now lost a quarter of my paycheck for this week. Every single day I have to pick whether I'd prefer experiencing suicidal ideation for 10.5 hours at work or sitting at home and feeling lost/lonely and crying instead.

I've been pretty good at hiding it and masking this year but idk, I don't have the energy to do it anymore. I'm lost, y'all, I have no direction and I don't know when/if things are gonna get better for me

(also I don't need anyone telling me that I could use vacation money to fix some of these issues; vacations are how I escape, and I need to do that. Plus I always save up PTO/money specifically for them.)

[placeinthisworld]

I’m that anon and this might sound over the top but I genuinely feel so so so heard right now because for the longest time when I followed them their takes and the way Taylor just fully consumes their life made me feel drained. I remember always side eyeing how they would conveniently side step criticising Taylor whenever she would genuinely mess up like saying oh they’re not a part of that group so they don’t want to take up space but it’s like okay I get it, hell I can even respect that but why aren’t you reblogging posts criticising Taylor made by the people she has directly hurt from her actions then. the way that fans go into dissecting very minute details over there sometimes made me think of how inevitable it is for Taylor to not grow and change cuz these are the blogs that always filled up Taylor’s feed and realistically fans like this is what she’s exposed to and on a human level I can’t imagine being treated as if every minor action of mine is worth extensive praise. The mental development of a celebrity impacted by being placed on such high pedestals has always intrigued me. I won’t lie there was a time, whenever I came home from school I would sit and obsessively consume only Taylor content and would be very defensive over her in real life as well but ( and I’m not trying to be super judgemental here) I can’t imagine being that committed to protecting, coddling, praising and borderline worshipping somebody like that when I know that individual never even considers my existence for like a second, I genuinely can’t imagine doing this for years and years and never growing past it especially with everything Taylor has done.

I still remember how condescending and truthfully mean they were being to anons when some fans questioned why Taylor swapped out invisible string for the 1 and they defended joe so so so much as if they were his lawyer or something but as soon as they broke up the absolute switch up kind of floored me cuz I always thought that they genuinely started liking joe for his work at one point cuz of how much they would place him on a pedestal as well before but damn I got whiplash from soo many blogs after the breakup. I know this turned into a giant rant and I’m so sorry but it’s just I’ve never come across anybody that felt the same way cuz generally literally everybody praises that blog and treats it like royalty sometimes so it’s like getting to vent to somebody for the first time 😅😅😔😔

100000000% bestie i agree with everything you’ve said 😭

i followed them too for the longest time and always kinda followed that same mindset too. but something changed when eras started that made me just kinda….feel like there was a tswift overexposure/ blowup where it suddenly felt like people were only online again to gain clout, and then the breakup happened and everyone and their mom was suddenly a diehard swiftie with all these opinions about it and it started to make me feel icked out by the way people just…..casually discussed and debated/speculated about her personal life and their entire relationship without knowing really anything more. when the breakup happened i definitely saw the switch from just another swiftie to literally suffocating up taylor’s asshole. i mostly blame tumblr too for giving them that attention lol i think that definitely fed into their dialogue. i remember being kinda sad when i unfollowed but knew it was better for me bc their interactions with anons and their opinions were so wild lol. i also remember starting to feel like i was a bad fan/ swiftie if i couldn’t defend taylor like that in good conscience so i figured disengaging would be enough, but then meathead came into play and suddenly their narrative became clear that they were really just ready to support and defend taylor about absolutely everything (and then somewhere along the way they blocked meeeee and ngl i wa so caught off guard bc i had unfollowed so long before that i couldn’t even tell you when it happened or like what i said to cause if LMAO i’m sure it was one of my criticism posts about taylor but like still find it funny!) because at the end of the day we’re all just fans seeing what taylor wants us to see and nobody really has any insight as to what taylor is thinking or how she feels, yes even if you spent a few hours with her once 5+ years ago……

overall is been a very eye opening experience as to how parasocial relationships develop and how weird people are on social media…..i always said (jokingly) that swiftism was a disease but like i actually feel like it is

[transrightsjimin]

3 days later and im still mentally drained frm talking to my autism coach aka having an unwanted discussion bc she decided to bring up the usual faux concern for my mental health and how i isolate myself, after she literally made me sad and pissed off by pushing me again abt when ill stop wearing masks, and spouting the typical bullshit everyone says like 'it's proven covid is just a flu now' and when i try to refute anything that the shitty fucking dutch government and corrupted health orgs say w no proof, she went again like 'you don't have to make this about politics' and 'that's how you think about it but not everyone sees it that way' etc etc and when i talked abt disabled friends nd family nd what the effects of long covid are she pretended to understand but she DOESN'T bc she wants me to stop wearing masks 'bc it's not required anymore' and so does my other autism coach want me to and so do my doctors and colleagues and my vulnerable parents who i've regrettably now even stopped masking around bc my dad just gets pissed off and my mom got too sad we couldnt kiss e/o on the cheeks and they don't Get it and always kept asking why i wouldnt eat or drink w them at home nd i was honestly FINE MENTALLY abt al this crap bc i try not to think abt it too much and just be doube masked in public transport and go about my day but then this fucking piece of scum that plays the same record over and over like every dumb fucking dutchie who think the govt and 'being Normal' is sacred urghgh anyway good night!!!

[chunghowyu]

oct 30 2024 - mostly on being sick

happy halloween eve my name is jonathan and im feeling a little under the weather as of late. as of these two days.

one thing about me is that i lowkey kind of love the feeling of being sick, especially like low fever vibes. it kind of slows down my being a little bit and puts me into like a very pensive and sensitive mode idk how relateable this is bc whenever i tell people this they look at me like i am crazy. but being sick puts me into like a new state of mind and being and it's kind of interesting. i just knocked on wood. i'm sorry body i know you're hurting so why does my consciousness react like this? do not punish me in the future when my body is weary, i promise i will change my mind and opt for 24/7 health ok.

but anyways, i remember like even during the 2nd day i got covid and i was in my last apartment, it was like summer, i was still doing that internship and it was the summer of korean dramas a.k.a the one about the atttorney and 2521 and let me just say, those movies defined that summer. the feeling of a/c, going to that fusion after work and getting groceries and jellies, and eating shit from that korean takeway place like marinated lotus roots, kimbab, cold noodles, cucumber and vinegar on my small little desk table on that wicker oval carpet...kind of a vibe. living in that apartment....naturally i want to forget most of the memories of that place - the hard mattress, the balcony, the shitty shower, the weird arrangement...it became such an empty place eventually. i don't hate that place, i don't love that place. i think in the road trip of my life, it was a gas station, a rest stop, in the middle of the night, very people in it, most places were closed, but it was well lit, comfy, and in a nice scenery.

but anyways, i remember 2nd day of covid and it was so comfy hahaha. my uncle 6 got me food, i took that chinese medicine, which i don't think really helped...and then i was hit my a truck the next few days. swallowing was an absolute pain i remember. and i think i had crazy body aches? i remember it was also raining like crazy....i remember having the lights out in the apartment, windows fully open like 24/7, and just letting the breezes flow... rain couldn't get in. fully open ventilation...i remember that.

back to today, i think a coworker got me sick. it was not a favorite coworker too...i just randomly woke up with a sore throat ydsy. and i go into hoodie mode. but another thing about me is that i have very a strange tradition when i'm sick.

i eat so unhealthy when i'm sick. because for me, being sick is so much more a test of mentality than physicality. like i feel in my mental just so drained and ugh, even though the symptoms, are of course, physical. you know what i mean? like the ache of my body, or the sore of my throat affects me physically, of course, by nature of the thing, but mentally....i feel sicker. like i just want to be comfortable and one thing i do is do things like drink bubble tea, eat fried food, spicy food, etc. idk. like i'm so good about that stuff when i'm not sick, like healthy diet vibes but when i'm sick i'm like fuck it i already feel bad, so i should just enjoy things now haha. i remember when i was younger and sick and i could convince my parents to stay home, which was so strange honestly, the way that it would truly only be sometimes that they allowed me to stay home when i was sick. like...i don't get it. there was no criteria on when i could stay home if i were sick. it feels like, if they were in a good mood, they would actually feed bad for me and let me stay home. my relationship with them have really changed but i do think the strictness they applied on me really stuck with me and without it, i would have no self-discipline...but anyways, my mom would go out and get dim sum for me, like my favorite steamed turnip cake, cheung fun, and stuff from east manor....so fucking sweet....and i remember eating those things when i was sick. now though, it's like...i wanna singe the germs in my throat with spice. does it make me feel better? debateable. i woke up still sick this morning but it definitely doesn't make me sicker, which is convincing enough for me. i just simply don't understand being sick. sleep is supposed to be healing but i woke up still...sore throaty.

anyways, like, being sick, i've just always felt like the rules don't apply. whether or not i took medicine never felt like it made a significant difference in my healing...whether or not i went to school or rested made a difference....and honestly i feel like just going about my day made a better difference...healthy food or unhealthy food....no difference. so....idk....so i've just been making sure to improve what i can when i am sick, which is my mental. whatever i do, i will be sick for a bit. but i can choose to make myself happy when i am sick.

like..yesterday i got this cold pressed juice from m&s though, like turmeric ginger, which was so tasty but clearly....idk. did it work? the only thing thing that i've felt a genuine like...difference in my ability is...i wanna say creatine? like creatine i definitely feel a little improvement in muscle like they feel thicker.... caffeine truly makes a difference....but otherwise....things are so not dramatic. you know...substances like alcohol and stuff are truly when u feel....different.

that brings me to think about the first time i got drunk, which is so different from how being drunk feels now. the first time i drank was with sumaiya in her dorm at vassar and truly we were downing shots and we didn't feel anything....until we felt something and i truly felt out of control of my body. but now, it's like...not that feeling. i don't remember feeling dizzy from alcohol back then, just truly, out of control and out of my will. but now, idk, is my body trained? but alcohol just also doesn't feel the same anymore. it used to give energy and now i literally just want to go to bed. so strange. that virgin alcohol feeling is missed. that friday+saturday double whammy. not that i need it now. but it's just like, that memory and that sensation is treasured.

i slept at 9:30 last night and i still woke up groggy at 8:00. that's insane. i truly am a night person.

anyways, happy wednesday.

[mylastwords777]

HUGEEEEE TW I’m js venting literally fuck off and kill yourself if your even thinking abt reporting my account for this like wtf is wrong with you?

I hated today, everything was overwhelming and stressful not to mention living with a extremely mentally ill mom who doesn’t mange her bipolar is killing me inside, the guilt tripping, the mood swings, the yelling, the going from hating me to loving me and not even caring how it makes me feel she doesn’t even apologize and when she does it’s smt like “sorry I’m such a bad mom” or “sorry i can do anything right” like yes after you js expressed how you think I am a terrible person and how you want your child to move out sooner, saying that of all things will make it go away. all my plans got changed around and I hate my plans being changed, I have a vacation in two days that got changed up, I have a haircut next week that got changed, I had therapy that got changed, I’m supposed to go to my dads house Monday, that got changed I’m supposed to start school at my dads and that got changed to and when I told my mom this is overwhelming me and she needs to stop changing the house switching schedule she yells at me saying I’m being mean and disrespectful, I have to stay at my moms for two extra weeks for no reason besides she doesn’t trust HER ALMOST 16 YEAR OLD CHILD home alone, and I wouldn’t even be alone my sister who’s 18 lives full time at my dads so I might js tell her I’m staying at my dads regardless because I literally never get to see my sister and it is literally in the divorce agreement or wtv I go over to my dads every other week she doesn’t get a say because it’s in a contract I want to be at my dads I am going to my dads end of story idc if that makes me a disrespectful cunt I hate being at my moms she’s mean she gaslights, she guilt trips me she using my trauma and what I’ve been through against me NOT TO MENTION SHE ALOUD ME TO GET GROOMED AND SEXUALLY ABUSED FOR 6 MONTHS AND NEVER FUCKING CARED

I’m so done with this family I wanna kill my self, in the two years I’ve been attempt free this is the one time I really, really want to kill myself I want to die I want it to be over 6 years of this shit is to much I’ve been struggling with the fucking bullshit since 5th grade im fucking done I should’ve died years ago and maybe I fucking finally will this year, because I am done I am drained I am tired and I want my family to finally see how terrible they truly are. I hope my death eats them up inside. I hope it makes them want to die to. I hope my death traumatizes them as much as they traumatized me, when I die I hope my family knows it’s because of them. It will never be because of anyone but them and I hope they know that.

I hope everyone but my sisters becomes deeply depressed and have to go through alllll the shit I had to at the age of 10-16 because if anyone deserves the trauma I had to go through during my childhood it’s my family. (Not my sisters bc there the only thing keeping me alive besides my bf)

[zannolin]

merry and legolas?

Merry: Describe a situation where you were in just the right place at just the right time.

literally the same day i decided i needed to find a new job in september bc my job at the movies was draining me completely dry, i walked into the kitchen when my mom got home and she was like yo want a clerical job bc our neighbor had just texted her about it and bam. i interviewed and got the job before it was even listen and now i've been there over a month and it's sooooo much better for me mentally. wild timing.

my life is not incredibly serendipitous idk this is the best i got besides randomly applying for a mod position in a catradora zine and ending up making wonderful friends (ly if u see this ily) who i later got to make and am still making pretty amazing zines with.

Legolas: What is something that ended up being a bigger part of your life than you would have expected it to? (Can be as trivial or as serious as you wish)

aforementioned zines have brought me so many friends and lots of excellent life skills (and also cool zines). originally i was just messing around bc gay ships and now we've made things people love. uhhh. tumblr also. writing fic. my high school lit teacher. silly books i read when i was in middle school. the locked tomb series. that kind of thing.

lotr asks!

[female-eren]

I need some advice. I recently was broken up with and I'm reeling from it. We met when i was 19 and he was 32 and we ended up hooking up 6 years ago. He didn't tell me until after we hooked up that he had a wife which started a crazy feud, but he eventually divorced his wife and convinced me to be in a relationship with him. The relationship was pretty rocky at first because he was very emotionally abusive. Like he would constantly reprimand me for doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing and would lecture me for hours and not let me sleep until I agreed with him. I used to live with him sometimes because my mom got evicted and i couldn't hold down a stable job because I had an untreated learning disability and he would pick fights with me every day when I would say/ do the wrong thing and sometimes he would even kick me out.

While he did all this its v confusing bc he was also very good to me at the same time?? He helped me out when I was evicted and let me live rent free with him. He helped me get my diagnosis and helped me look for a job. He helped me get over some of my insecurities and would urge me to go to therapy and helped me get my driver's license. The last 2 years he started becoming more spiritual and became a lot nicer to me (He would still reprimand me but not as often) and urged me to do yoga and meditation. He started getting serious and during that time he was throwing ideas around of leaving everything behind and going to a yoga center etc. I was so drained atp from the constant mistreatment and feeling like I wasn't a priority so I went outside the relationship to explore my options. i met a guy that I was going to meet for dinner and just talk to, but I was drugged and assaulted. I felt so guilty that I told my boyfriend and he broke up with me. This was a year ago. Since then, we've been on and off because he would come back but couldn't commit because he couldnt trust me. Early this year he moved to a different state and he reached out to me to ask if I wanted to visit him out there in the summer. I was cautious but I agreed because I missed him. We started calling and texting every day and he started hinting that he wanted a relationship with me again. I started catching feelings again and was grateful for the opportunity to make things right because I fucked up. I bought the plane tickets and two days after I bought them he told me that he was getting women flirting with him out there and that he wanted to explore his options. I was so upset and I asked him why we couldnt work things out, he told me he still couldnt trust me after what happened. He told me it's best if I get a refund on the tix and just stay home. I felt so crushed, I felt like I was lead on and I feel so ashamed and guilty over what I did. The worst part is I felt like I ruined everything and it's my fault that the relationship ended the way it did. What do I do???? I have no friends and no one to talk to.

Oh girl. He's abusive and leaving him is the right thing to do. Don't fall for it again. He seems really mentally unstable to me also tbh. I don't really know what to say, I think your biggest hurdle is going to be loneliness. And perhaps the reason you haven't left yet and are in this really messy situationship is because you seem to only have him. I know what it's like to feel you only have a partner in your life and no other friends, and feel like it's impossible to make new ones. But this man is not good and not worth it - a grown, married man pursuing a teenager is a nail in the coffin on its own. Then add all the rest. You need to put yourself first, and probably get some therapy if you can. The feeling of guilt and shame and disgust over being assaulted, even over just feeling used and dirtied, is something I know all too well and I haven't quite healed, not sure if I ever will. What I do know is we need to prioritise our future well-being, and this guy will not contribute to your happiness and health.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #156

What are three of your favorite things to photograph? Details in nature, animals, and I REALLY wish I could shoot more vast, impressive landscapes. I also had an incredible amount of fun the one time I shot boudoir for my then-best friend, it was so fucking fun and amazing to help her feel attractive and beautiful in her body, especially as a more plus-sized woman. She loved them and it was the most fun shoot I've ever done.

In your opinion, what are three of the most relatable songs ever? Uh, jeez, idk. Too much to pick from, lol.

When was the last time you took a selfie you thought you looked beautiful in? By pure coincidence, it was somewhat semi-recently; I almost never, EVER take selfies, and even less often do I think I look okay in them, but I took two I thought looked pretty good like, a month or two ago?

Do you play many online games? No; the only one I ever play is World of Warcraft, but I've been barely playing it at all for a while now; I seem to go through phases of logging on more often and then not at all.

Have you ever forged a note for something at school? No.

Do you know anyone who's been adopted? I have at least one old friend that I know was adopted.

Have you ever broken a rib? No, that sounds so fucking miserable.

Where did you last bleed from? My bottom right gum area because I had a tooth extracted. I am so glad I'm no longer tasting solely blood, ugh yesterday was ROUGH. Doing it aaaall over again in a month...

When I go to a new restaurant and have no idea what to order I… I go for a sort of food that I generally always like, like chicken tenders and fries.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Money for a tattoo lmao

Does anyone else know who your first crush was besides you? The Internet haha bc I've identified him in past surveys asking about first crushes, but I don't think anyone who might know both of us knows.

Do you feel shy around someone when you are first getting to know them? Oh absolutely, I am extremely, excruciatingly shy.

Have you ever fallen asleep in class? No.

Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? No, I don't at all believe that's predictable.

What is unfair about your life? Mental illness. It's not like I make a conscious decision to become abysmally depressed or so anxious I can barely function.

[TW: SELF-HARM] Have you ever self-harmed? Yes, primarily in high school. It's not something I've done in a long time, all it ever did was make me hate myself more than I already did.

Have you ever shoplifted? Nah.

Do you know who your father is? Yeah, thankfully he's been in my life since I was born.

Have you ever had an emergency surgery? No. When I had my cyst I went into the hospital wanting that because of how much pain I was in, but instead they cut and drained the cyst, but oh boy was I conscious and SCREAMING, there is no fucking way in hell they numbed me enough for that procedure, even morphine wasn't calming me down at all.

Do you think you are fat? I factually am, it's not unknown to me.

Have you ever dated a guy after your friend did? No.

Is your mom your best friend? I would definitely consider her such, after Girt. The amount of shit this woman has done for me is unreal.

Do you find any of your friends hot? Yeah, mostly female friends I have, but it's in a platonic sort of way.

Can you go to an actual beach in the state you live in? Yeah, go east and you're hitting the Atlantic. People tend to prefer South Carolina for their beaches, though, but they're of course still crowded here too.

What animals have you ridden? Just like, horses and ponies at fair-like things.

Ever been brought home by the cops? No.

Describe your natural hair? It's brown and extremely thick, healthy too. It will sometimes get lighter highlights in hotter months if I see the sun enough.

What's a pet peeve you have about guys? This does NOT apply to every guy, at all, but in general I don't think it's debatable that they're generally more sex-driven than women, and that often leads to problems.

If you could change something(s) about your outer appearance, it would be: I'd be a healthy weight.

Are you against animal testing? I am VEHEMENTLY against animal testing, the fact that it's still practiced is barbaric to me. We're "alpha species" my fuckin' ass, by using other forms of life as goddamn guinea pigs, we're nothing but animals.

Where do you wish to live as an adult? Well, I am an adult, but in terms of where I settle down when independent, I'm not certain, but in complete realism it's probably going to still be in this general area, despite how badly I want to move to the mountains of western NC; it's just a very long drive from where we're at, and it's important to me and Girt that we keep touch with our families. I don't want it to be a massive, lengthy drive to see our loved ones.

Where is your favourite place to get fries? Bojangle's or McDonald's, depending on my mood. Bojangle's fries are a fuckin' delicacy if you're in the mood for something really seasoned, but a lot of the time, really just classic McD's fries are great.

Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Uhhhh I don't THINK so.

Are there any waterfalls nearby? No big, even remotely impressive ones, no. The best you get around here are dams, but those aren't like, real, natural waterfalls at all.

Do you prefer coffee or tea? I hate both; I've never had any of either that I liked. I THINK I'm most likely to discover a sort of coffee product I like though, there's such a serious variety. I think with enough sweetness to it I'd be fine. The taste of tea has always made me cringe with how much I dislike it, which is basically an alien reaction here in the south, where "we" are fucking insane over sweet tea, lol.

Have you taken a painkiller today? Yeah, I'm not rawdogging getting a fuckin' tooth yeeted out lmao

Have you had a nap today? No, but I went to bed very early last night, and though it took a long time to fall asleep, I definitely got some good hours after yesterday.

Who cooks most of the meals in your household? My mom. I never cook-cook, I'll just use the microwave or air fryer if I want to make something myself.

Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I don't, but I know Sara was open about having it, though I don't "know" her anymore. I know at least one cousin and her mother also have it.

Your favorite store as a teen? Hot Topic.

You get 2 pizza toppings, what are they? Pepperoni and sausage, ig.

Ever dipped your pizza in ranch? I feel like I've tried this before? I don't remember what I thought, though.

Ever order a lobster for yourself at a restaurant? No; I hate crab and have heard lobster is similar, so I'm not interested in trying it.

Have you had Apple Jacks cereal? Yeah, that's a fave.

Most famous person from your town/state? lol I googled it and apparently Michael Jordan is from NC, I think that's a name most people in at least the USA know. There's a few other big names.

Does your best friend wear glasses? Yeah, he and I are both blind as shit without our glasses, haha.

Who is closest to you in your family? My mom.

Have you listened to a Britney Spears song today? No, but I do like her well enough. Every now and again I'll listen to a couple classic songs by her.

Do you have a pet turtle? Nah, turtles as pets have never interested me much. They're great animals, just not for me as a pet.

French fries or onion rings? Fries, for sure. I don't really like onion rings.

Have you ever had a storage locker? If so, what is/was stored in it? No.

Do you have a gas, electric or induction cooktop? Uh... I've never used the stove since living here lol, but I'm quite sure it's electric.

Are you interested in plants? Oh for sure, at least as an observer and not a caretaker; I enjoy looking at them, lightly learning about the ones I'm very attracted to, and I mostly take photos of some sort of plant, be it a flower, tree, or whatever, so I value them a lot. There's a pretty big part of me that wants to start taking care of indoor plants, especially for my room remodel, but I just have an honest feeling I won't stick to it so I don't wanna take in a plant and kill it.

How far away is the nearest capital city? Raleigh is about an hour away from us by car.

What was the last movie trailer you watched? The Five Nights at Freddy's one, god I lost my shit when it was IMMEDIATELY pointed out just how fuckin stoned the animatronics look, omg please fix it 😭😭😭 I do plan on seeing it though, I really don't understand the franchise's lore very well, but it's a fun series.

Are you expecting anything in the mail? No. Well I mean Mom said she's ordering some final plugs for my earlobes at some point, but it's been a while. I'm just glad the gauges aren't falling out all the time now that they're healed better, I think.

Do you hate cars with loud exhausts? Yes, it's annoying.

What's the altitude of your town or city? I feel weird giving exact numbers, but it ranges from quite below 100ft to not even 200ft.

Do you like movies with vampires in them? Vampires are cool, but I'm not gonna automatically be more drawn to a film just because it has one.

If you have a pet, what is its favourite treat? If you don't have a pet, what's one of your favourite treats? :) GOD Cookie is a spoiled brat when it comes to food; if you have any, she wants to try it, and it's gotten bad because Mom has trouble telling her no unless the food just straight-up isn't okay for dogs. I'm not certain what her favorite ever is, however I do know she's crazy for fries; Mom can't ever have fries from anywhere without sharing some with her. Roman's not big on treats, and he's also VERY weird with being offered food that's not in his bowl, like he doesn't know if he's supposed to eat it and will generally just sniff his a treat given to him to where he pushes it across the floor, like you cannot watch this cat examine a treat without laughing, it's so strange. He even comes to Mom when she gets a treat out for Cookie, like he wants one, and then acts like he never learned how to fuckin eat lmao. Venus has only ever been fed originally f/t mice and now f/t rats; I'd like to let her try a pre-killed chick one day because variety IS good for them and certainly stimulating for them, but it's not something I'm going to go out of my way to buy; ball pythons are notoriously picky and she's been on a major hunger strike before, so I don't want to buy food she's not going to eat. It's one of those things I'd just offer her if the opportunity presented itself.

Do you remember the first house you lived in? No; we moved into what I fully consider my "real" childhood home when I was literally just a baby, I have zero memories of the house I was born into.

When was the last time you threw up, and do you know why? Maybe close to a month ago and we're not going into why lol

Who was the last person you said "I love you" to? My mom, before she left to clean the church she volunteers at.

Have you ever worn a tiara? Haha yeah, I'm sure I did in my childhood at some point, and I remember on one of my teenage birthdays, I wanna say my 17th, my then-best friend Summer got a tiara with my age on it and made me wear it out to dinner, lol. I'm sure I still have it, probably in my treasure box.

If you plan to have kids, what will you tell them about Santa Clause? IF I have kids I'm most likely going to keep the tradition going, like it's just fun and exciting for kids; you're doing no real psychological harm with something like that, it's innocent and I've never seen a kid NOT excited about Santa.

Do you think that pet stores are cruel for keeping animals in small cages? lol oh hunny, there are problems even bigger than tiny cages going on in chain pet stores. Yes, it's cruel. I fucking hate places like PetSmart or Petco, where it's about just pulling money in, corporate doesn't give a microscopic shit about the quality of life of its animals while there.

If you have ever been employed, have you ever been attracted to your boss? What about a co-worker? No.

Do [would] you avoid kissing your [possibly hypothetical] significant other when you or they are ill? Yes, at least on the lips. I'm the one that's dumb about it, if you're sick *I* don't mind simple kisses, however I shouldn't be that way; for right now though, since we don't live together, we don't really deal with this, if one of us is sick we tend to stay apart for both of our benefits.

Does it annoy you when people make their default of them kissing someone? No, why the hell should it????? People are allowed to love each other and be happy about it???????

If ambidextrous, do you prefer writing with your right or left hand? I'm not ambidextrous; I only write with my right hand.

Do you enjoy trolling? No, it's not something I get pleasure out of or anything, I've got better shit to do. And when *I*, an extremely non-busy person, says that, it means shit REALLY is not important.

Have you ever had a close encounter with a shark? Not knowingly, but it's possible. I'm going into their home when I decide to swim in the ocean, so.

What is a song you heard long before it became popular and everyone liked it? I can't think of a song, just a band: Train. I grew up hearing them because my mom's a fan, so I also became one as a kid, then "Hey Soul Sister" came out and they were big with other hits following. I have no idea how big they are now, but I still like them. "If It's Love" is even one of my top picks for a wedding song, lol.

What do you think of excessively long names? What about their shortenings? No opinion, I really just don't like making anyone feel bad about their name. Plenty of longer names are beautiful.

Can you learn the lyrics of a song by ear, or do you have to search them up? Both, but I almost always need to see the lyrics first; my auditory processing disorder makes me really bad at figuring out lyrics, ESPECIALLY for things like death metal and stuff (hell I think most people struggle with that one), I've got no fuckin' clue what you're saying. This happens regularly even with songs where the lyrics of performed quite clearly.

Do you like the name Amy? It's not high on my list of favorites or anything at all, but I think I like the name because I always associate it with Markiplier's literal gem of a girlfriend haha.

Have you ever got an x-ray? How about a brain scan? Multiple x-rays, and I got I think a CT scan when I got a concussion; it was that or an MRI, don't recall. I know CT scans are shorter though, and mine WAS very brief if I remember right, but I mean I was concussed, I don't remember things that well with a bruised brain lol.