#and his relationship w magic is so deeply complicated | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years ago

Note

hey Steph, really adore your blog. I saw your ask about s3 and s4 John and his anger. do you have any pics that deal with that? I think his anger is caused by his jealousy. he loves Sherlock and is deeply insecure about S's love for him. I'd love to find some fics that actually deal with all of that. thank you. x

Hey Nonny!!

I DO!!! Been waiting for another ask to finally get this list up and out! Hope you find something you enjoy on this one! <3

ANGRY / CRANKY JOHN

See also:

Jealous John b/c of Other People

Jealous John

Jealous John Pt. 2 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 2

Jealous John Pt 3 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 3

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 4

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 5

Texts and Tea by JillianWatson1058 (K, 959 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Texting, Humour, Fluff, POV John, Cranky John) – A John who is woken up at 2:30 in the morning is not a happy John. Sherlock, frankly, doesn’t care. He just wants his tea.

And, Usually, He's the One Who GIVES Me a Headache by Cumberbatch Critter (T, 1,315 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, POV John, Cranky John, Headaches, Head Massage) – A migraine is never fun.

Hallucinations can't open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

The 3x John Carried Sherlock, and Once ViceVersa by ShinkonoKokoro (K+, 1,673 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Friendship, Three and One, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Worried Sherlock, John Gets Shot) – It happens more than he suspects.

Baskerville After Dark by Ttime42 (T, 1,921 w., 1 Ch. || THoB, Friendship, Humor, Bed Sharing, Missing Scenes, Cranky John, Cuddles) – John and Sherlock have to share a bed at Baskerville. Gen, but can be preslash.

Stay by sussexbound (M, 2,067 w., 1 Ch. || Post TAB, Suicidal Ideation Mention, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Confessions, Frottage, Coming in Pants) – “Why? Why did you do it? Hmm…?” He takes a deep breath, waits, lets it out again. “Look at me.” There’s no denying him when he takes this tone. “Why did you kill him? Hmm…? For her? After…” A muscle twitches in the corner of John’s eye, and he clamps his jaw down tightly, swallows and sniffs a little before continuing. “For her? After everything she’s done?” “For you.” Before he can even stop himself. Just like that.

Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt by satanatemycat (T, 2,107 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Texting, Bored/Cranky Sherlock) – In which John makes a bet with a co-worker. If he wins, she shuts up about him and Sherlock being a couple. If he loses… well, that doesn’t matter, because he won’t lose. Because he and Sherlock ARE NOT a couple. Right?

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John's bedroom is now a research library. It's not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They're friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it's not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It'll be fine.

Those Days by StillWaters1 (T, 2,663 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD / Sensory Attacks, Caring Sherlock) – If Sherlock had danger nights, then these were John's danger days.

Extraordinary by ardenteurophile (T, 2,739 w., 7 Ch. || Angst, Pining, Romance, Second Person POV Sherlock, Pre-Slash) – Sherlock tries to understand his preoccupation with one Doctor John Watson - the one case he can never solve.

BBCSH 'The Comfort of Company' by tigersilver (T, 2,769 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF/Mary, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Bed Sharing, Grumpy John, Touching, Clingy/Handsy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Fluff and Light Angst) – It's a trope that John and Sherlock end up sharing in the same bed eventually and I admit I do adore it unconditionally, along with all it infers as to the lowering of defenses and the heightening of trust. I put forth for your consideration that the notion persists because those who think about these things realize these two men are each in dire need of some good company.

Unquantifiable by 221b_hound (M, 2,799 w. 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Grumpy John, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Pet Names, Texting, Sweet Sherlock, Princess Bride References) – John remains a terrible and foul-tempered patient, but he does try to make up for it with pet names and text message silliness. In the meantime, Sally Donovan visits Baker Street for a hint about the Milverton case, and has to deal with a Sherlock Holmes who can't find words big enough to thank her for saving John's life at the warehouse. For afters, there's a viewing of The Princess Bride. Part 33 of the Unkissed series

Bathroom Accessories by Evenlodes_Friend (E, 3,324 w., 1 Ch. || Sex Toys, Butt Plug, First Kiss / Time, Romance, Horny Sherlock, John’s Patience Wears Thin, Humour, Bottomlock) – John discovers that Sherlock has been playing with some very adult toys in the bath.

After the Bombs by VampirePam (T, 3,337 w., 2 Ch. || THoB AU, Drugs, John’s PTSD, Panic Attack, Nightmares, Caring Sherlock, Cuddles, Bed Sharing, Angst, Hurt/Comfort) – In which the drugs Sherlock used to dose John trigger a severe episode of PTSD. When terrors old and new cause John to fall apart, Sherlock must rectify his mistake and pick up the pieces.

Breakfast, acronyms and brotherhood by Rose de Sharon (K+, 4,074 w., 1 Ch. || TBB Fic, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Fluff) – Set after The Blind Banker: my take of Sherlock and John's conversation over breakfast. S/J friendship, bromance, no slash.

Afghanistan in Baskerville by Amaya Ramiel (K+, 4,357 w., 1 Ch. || THoB Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drugged John, PTSD / Panic Attack, Hallucinations, Worried Sherlock, John’s Past, Friendship) – What if John hadn't seen the hound when Sherlock trapped him in the lab? What if instead, his very real nightmares of the war had materialized all around him? Trapped and drugged, John can't tell what's real and what's not. How will Sherlock react?

What John Doesn't Know (Won't Hurt Him) by blueink3 (NR [T], 4,392 w., 1 Ch, || S3 Fix It, Pining Sherlock, Snippets of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Scars, Fluff and Angst, Five and One, Hopeful Ending, POV Sherlock) – Five people who see Sherlock's scars before John Watson. But Sherlock's secrets were never something he could keep from his blogger for long.

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

When Your Belly's in the Trench by Morgan_Stuart (T, 4,743 w., 1 Ch. || PTSD, Character Study, Rescue, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Torture, Trauma, Danger, Drama, Kidnapping/Captivity) – The next time that door opens, John Watson will kill the person on the other side.

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 5,034 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

This Year by DiscordantWords (T, 6,283 w., 2 Ch. || TEH Divergence / No Mary, New Year’s Eve, John’s A Mess, Jealous John, Awkward Conversations, Trapped in a Closet, Estranged After Return, John POV, Semi-Reunion, Angry John, First Kiss, Reconciliation, Clueless Sherlock, Happy Ending) – Last year, Sherlock Holmes showed up at the Landmark with a fake moustache and a bad French accent and threw John's entire life into disarray with two words: "Not dead." This year, there are more surprises in store.

An Interpretation of Viewing Habits by akitsuko (E, 6,653 w., 1 Ch. || Porn Watching, Masturbation, Anal, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Jealous Sherlock, Fantasizing, John in Denial / Internalized Homophobia, Bottomlock, Pining Idiots, Sherlock Has No Boundaries, Cockblocking Sherlock) – John watches porn. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.If every video he watches happens to feature actors with remarkable physical similarities to his flatmate, well, that's no one's business but his own. Or: John is in denial, until his infatuation with Sherlock is impossible to deny anymore.

BANG by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 7,016 w., 3 Ch. || Post-TGG AU, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Worried / Scared Sherlock, Alternating POV, Whump, Hospital Recovery, Open Ending) – 'I should warn you,' Sherlock says, his voice steady and his eyes fixed on Moriarty. 'You are sadly misinformed.' And he fires. Prequel to M Is For Moriarty

Stranded by BeautifulFiction (T, 5, 798 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Communication / Relationship Discussion, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, BAMF John, Doctor John, Case Fic, Drinking, Huddling For Warmth, Friends to More) – When stranded on a derelict barge at high tide, John and Sherlock reconsider their friendship.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalize Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w., 8 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn't count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

A Quiet Life by DiscordantWords (M, 25,176 w., 6 Ch. || Post S4, Retirement, POV Sherlock, Awkwardness, Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Minor Character Death, Questionable Parenting Choices, Non-Linear Narrative, 20 Year Old Rosie, Meddling Mycroft, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Angst, Sherlock Whump) – There had been three days of silence and a funeral. Sherlock had the terrible feeling that whatever happened next would depend, entirely, on him.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 28,347 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF / Pre-S3 Divergence, BAMF John, Anger, Fighting, Sex, Bed Sharing, Stalking, Case Fic, John’s Past, Introspection, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crime, Mythology, Darkness) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. Sherlock finds that coming back is not enough to fix all of the damage that he caused by leaving. A post Reichenbach, post reunion re-discovery fic.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w., 9 Ch. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea by DiscordantWords (M, 39,968 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It || Grief / Mourning, Victor Trevor, Friendship, Sherlock is Not Okay, Nightmares/Flashbacks/Panic Attacks, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John Comes Home) – Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

The Real Great Perfumers by shelleysprometheus (E, 45,355 w., 68 Ch. || Case Fic, Alternating POV, Gay Sherlock / Bi John, Canon Compliant with Divergence at TRF, Friends to Lovers, Oral / Anal, Pining, First Kiss / Time, Dev. Rel., Drugging, Body Worship, Bathing, Love Confessions, Travelling, Bottomlock, Cranky Sherlock, BJ’s, Alternating POV, Jealous John) – The case, this case. This extraordinary, fascinating, scintillating case. A house. Designed entirely by its eccentric owner, built by no less than five hundred expert tradesmen in the heart of Marrakesh. A house that had, seemingly not only driven its owner out, but also to his quite unpleasant death. And a perfumer, a chemist no less, the very thought of the secrets that house could reveal, would reveal was irresistible. Sherlock had to have this case ... and it seems, he also had to have John! Part 1 of the Forethought and Fire series

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

A Goose Quill Dipped in Venom by Polyphony (M, 52,748 w., 16 Ch. || Celebrity John AU || Alternate First Meeting, TV Host John, Supermodel Mary, Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Case Fic, First Kiss/Time, Meddling Mycroft, Drug Abuse, Doctor John, PDA, Deductions, POV Sherlock, Toplock, Sexual Tension, Angry/Rough Sex, Hopeful Ending, Asperger’s Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, is called in to a very ordinary although brutal murder. Something is badly out of tune with the whole scenario and Sherlock finds himself becoming more and more obsessed with the crime - and also with the victim.

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w., 18 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU || Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) – A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater / Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Rape/Sexual Assault, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock First Person POV, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Love Making, Possessiveness, Depression, PTSD, Kidnapping, Virgin Sherlock, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock, John Separated From His Child) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU || BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Cost of a Wish by slashscribe (E, 102,493 w., 12 Ch. || xxxHolic Fusion || Spirits / Ghosts and Magic, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Soul Mates / Fated Lovers, Adventure, Immortal Sherlock, Powerful John, POV John, Frottage, Wish Granting, Angst with Happy Ending, Nightmares) – John has been plagued by a secret his entire life that has made him feel hopeless until he meets a mysterious, seemingly omniscient man named Sherlock Holmes who owns a wish-granting shop. Their meeting sets off a series of inevitable events that will change the course of both of their lives forever.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #angry john #cranky john #my fic recs #long post

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soupsnakessss · 4 years ago

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Since their rs is clearly complicated- how do you think his rs w the kids plays out? Like so you think he’s bio dad but goes by godfather only publicly? Or does he do godfather/super close uncle thing w the kids instead of a father role? Like trying to think how tbis works... do you think originally it was more of an oops that then evolved or was it like be my speed donor except for thr conception lol. I can’t see him playing traditional “dad” role but them lying calling him godfather to public

Alright here is my entire opinion on this and them for everyone wondering: I’m well aware that some people think I have no idea what I’m talking about, but I will just say that this is based off of years and years of closely observing Mindy and BJ. I do not know them personally but even this blog for instance goes back for years. I’ve been watching them for a long time and have seen the ebbs and flows of their relationship and the big fights and makeups they’ve had. I’ve also learned some things about them that is also informing this whole answer and I can’t share it for their privacy; I know that sounds annoying as hell, but it’s the truth. But people can think whatever they want.

I think Kit was an oops baby. Mindy has stated that the pregnancy was unplanned. Mindy and BJ have both said they wanted children so there’s a chance they knew what they were doing when it happened and basically feigned the “oops”, but more or less yes I think she was an accident. I think Mindy and BJ’s relationship didn’t stabilize enough during the pregnancy for Mindy especially to feel comfortable telling people it’s BJ. They should’ve been ready to finally have children together but one thing I have observed is Mindy and BJ basically seeming to have the same romantic relationship they have always had, even after becoming pregnant. It’s a little disappointing, yes.

I think my biggest point to everyone wondering about them and thinking that I am either insane to say BJ is the father, or it simply just doesn’t add up, is this: Mindy and BJ having babies together did not magically fix their complicated relationship. Everyone knows in general babies don’t fix things with people and as much as we all want to believe that they are now living happily ever after... it’s more complicated than that and not all sunshine and rainbows.

However, that doesn’t discount that there has been a very visible change in how close Mindy and BJ got after Kit was born. Things absolutely changed in that way, they are legitimately tied to each other now and it shows. BJ is at Mindy’s house more often than not honestly, and if anyone pays this close of attention, he has MK on notifications and usually likes her instagrams instantly. Like he’s obsessed with Mindy. It’s not even worth ever commenting on now because of how often he does that. Mindy said BJ comes over on Mother’s Day. They spend Christmas together every year, and Mindy is now celebrating Jewish holidays like Passover and Rosh Hashanah, even though she’s never explained why.

I think Spencer was probably somewhat planned. Kit is almost three years old, this is when they would want to give her a sibling and I’m sure they wanted one for her. Their relationship seems messy to put it lightly but I think they knew they wanted another baby regardless.

I think it’s much easier for Mindy to put up the facade of being a strong single mother (which she is! MK is amazing) than to be vulnerable enough to admit that her and BJ have kids together but their romantic relationship is more or less the same. People would also blame BJ for that a lot more than they would Mindy, and it’s two adults in a relationship so who knows why they are how they are. They don’t want all of that criticism.

BJ acts undoubtedly like the babies father even if they don’t call him that, because of how close they all are, how often he’s with them, (He immediately came home from shooting his film in New Mexico once Covid happened and posted stories from Mindys house. And Mindy states that he’s in her quarantine pod of less than ten people), he simply just is in the role of father for these kids. I’m assuming it’s going to cause issues for them in a couple years once the kids start asking both Mindy and BJ big questions, unless they get things more figured out.

I think Mindy and BJ love each other so deeply that it causes half of their problems and I do think they have a somewhat toxic relationship—they can’t put an end to each other romantically and so that means they go round and around with each other. But Kit and Spencer couldn’t possibly have a family with more love in it. They love these babies so much. They are all so lucky to have each other no matter what.

#i might delete later idk #mindy kaling #bj novak #ask

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luthienne · 5 years ago

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do u have any quotes about toxicity in love + enjoying emotional pain

I think sometimes we conflate enjoying emotional pain w enjoying the beautiful aspects of a relationship, and forgiving the pain, normalizing the pain, accepting it as a natural, and inevitable part of intimate contact with another person. At some point in this kind of cycle, love can become synonymous w pain.

I think we learn to compromise or even sacrifice our own wellbeing for people we care about, friends (or family) as much as partners, until it becomes normal; we make ourselves the safe spaces for the people we love, only dreaming of the kind of reciprocity that would result in them prioritizing and protecting us as much we would them—and we focus on all the moments we felt loved and protected, and make them bigger in our minds, and repeat the cycle, and hope that one day—despite all the evidence to the contrary—they will choose us. In the meantime, regardless of our distortions, reality goes on, and we stay, and we stay, and we stay, and we assign deep meaning to every good moment, and we lose the ability to trust our instincts and our hearts.

I think the human ability to love deeply and unconditionally is complicated and unfathomable. I think we can normalize the pain so much that we begin to crave it, not consciously, but in that way that means: they do love me, they love me more than I ever dreamed myself possible of being loved—and we have good memories, too, beautiful memories and moments. No one will ever love me the way this person can, and does, ever again, so how could I ever leave—

Kenneth Burke, “A Letter From the Center”

“His touch both consoles and devastates me; I go back and back to him to have his fingers strip the tattered skin away and clothe me in his dress of water, this garment that drenches me, its slithering odour, its capacity for drowning.”

Angela Carter, The Erl-King

“I am no one; I am nothing. I am a blank paper on which you and your magic wrote a girl. Just the kind of girl you wanted, all hungry and hurt and needing. A machine for loving you. Nothing in me was not made by you. (…) That’s my whole life you’ve bent in your hands. What could I have grown up to be? What kind of a human woman, what kind of simple, happy thing?”

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

“If I let him do this to me, what else will I allow? Anything, anything, anything.”

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

“Why am I made the way I am? Why do I care about all the wrong things, and nothing at all for the right ones? Or, to tip it another way: how can I see so clearly that everything I love or care about is illusion, and yet—for me, anyway—all that’s worth living for lies in that charm?”

Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“She had decided to stay. She had decided to go. In her sleep she had decided a thousand times. Her dreams were split in half.”

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

“Love? I wanted to go with him, to be on the strong side, for him to spare me, like one who seeks shelter in the arm of the enemy to stay far from his arrows. It was different than love, I was finding out: I wanted him as a thirsty person desires water, without feelings, without even wanting to be happy.”

Clarice Lispector, Complete Stories

“It is all past; for this terrible madness of love has paralyzed my wings, the eyes of my spirit have lost their sight, my heart is dried up, my soul is drained to bloodless poltroonery. Oh, save me from myself—”

Jens Peter Jacobsen, Niels Lyhne

“She stands by the pool saying, from time to time, I was abducted, but it sounds wrong to her, nothing like what she felt. Then she says, I was not abducted. Then she says, I offered myself, I wanted to escape my body. Even, sometimes, I willed this.”

Louise Glück, A Myth of Innocence

“What did she think / when all her strength / was twisted for his bearing; / did it break, / even within her sheltered heart, a song, / some whispered note, distant and faint…”

H.D., Collected Poems

“You have done this a hundred times. Will always do it. Always. I’m so tired of your lack of everything thoughtful, wise about you. You act like a child, a child that just asks and asks and never thinks and sucks one to death, and I’m sitting here crying because it’s so hopeless to ever expect you to be otherwise.”

Anaïs Nin, in a letter to Henry Miller

“…to think he might have chosen me because, in my innocence, he sensed a rare talent for corruption.”

Angela Carter, The Bloody Chamber

“And say his name. Wound and salve in the falling steam. Whatever my body wrings is for him, pitiless in its love.”

Eimear McBride, The Lesser Bohemians

“…somehow the very event that caused them so much pain had also become their sole source of meaning.”

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

“I never asked you to explain that act of violence / what dazed me was our ignorance of our will to hurt each other”

Adrienne Rich, Collected Early Poems

“Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted—? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads on willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common values and instead straight towards a beautiful flare of ruin, self-immolation, disaster?”

Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“Magnificent, somehow. To give in. Wreck yourself so completely. The beauty of it.”

Eimear McBride, The Lesser Bohemians

“The ways of sating hunger made us sick.”

Wisława Szymborska, View With a Grain of Sand

“I don’t know how to speak anymore. I can’t speak anymore. I have taken apart what they never gave me, which was all I had.”

Alejandra Pizarnik, Extracting the Stone of Madness

“My heart says, what you thought you have you do not have. My body says, will this pounding ever stop?”

Mary Oliver, A Thousand Mornings

“…and I grieved the loss of my only belonging.”

Alejandra Pizarnik, Extracting the Stone of Madness

“You were sick, so sick, with your wound of thwarted longing; you wanted the power to change the illusions you live in.”

Alice Notley, Certain Magical Acts

“Why should anyone go through so much in order to be treated right?”

Alice Notley, Culture of One

“Did it really seem bad to you / There by the dark green sea, / That, submitting to terrible fate, / You didn’t argue, you agreed?”

Anna Akhmatova, Complete Poems

“My soul may be straight and good, but my heart, my hopelessly bent blood, all that keeps hurting me inside, it can’t hold upright.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, The Poetry of Rilke

“I didn’t want this, not / this (but listen, quietly, to want is what bodies do / and now we are ghosts only).”

Marina Tsvetaeva, Selected Poems

“Maybe you still can’t understand why I stayed so long. I wonder what you’ll name my sin: Complicity? Loyalty? Stupefaction? How can you tell the difference? Is my sin a failure of virtue, or of competence? I knew Rome was burning, but I had just enough water to scrub the floor, so I did what I could.”

Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

“I do not believe our wants have made all our lies holy.”

Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems

“How to lie was something learned. It meant love at the time anyway. Mine will be a long life feeling always a little ruined, deep in a well, knowing the worst thing I am capable of not telling.”

Allison Seay, To See The Queen

“She looked like one who had made her choice and done the worst she could do with it.”

Jens Peter Jacobsen, Niels Lyhne

“I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon.”

Anaïs Nin, from a journal entry featured in Henry and June

“When has my grief ever gotten in the way of your pleasure?”

Louise Glück, “End of Winter”

“You do this, you do. You take the things you love / and tear them apart / or you pin them down with your body and pretend they’re yours.”

Richard Siken, Crush

“And as terrible as this is, I get it. We can’t choose what we want and don’t want and that’s the hard lonely truth. Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us.”

Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“Another moment and I will tell you: it’s not joy but torture you give me. I’m drawn to you as to a crime—”

Osip Mandelstam, Selected Poems

“And I was helpless, tormented, and intoxicated / By the sweetness of your cruelty.”

Anna Akhmatova, Complete Poems

“You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together / to make a creature that will do what I say / or love me back.”

Richard Siken, Crush

“…she had to break with him or they would have been destroyed, both of them ruined, she was convinced; though she had borne about with her for years like an arrow sticking in her heart the grief, the anguish…”

Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway

“A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: that we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people.”

Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“Comprehension came later, if the defiant, determined refusal to recognize a thing can be called ‘comprehending’ it.”

Marina Tsvetaeva, Letters Summer 1926

“Everything we can’t bear in this world, some day we find in one person, and love it all at once.”

Djuna Barnes, Nightwood

#ask #anon #compilation #quote compilation #the great wound #the dark's his bone #on memory #like a house on fire no one else can see

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phantomato · 4 years ago

Text

You Should Know Ch. 13 (Final Chapter) is Live!

[AO3 link here]

Y’all, this has been a journey! Thanks for reading along with me.

I didn’t know where I was heading with this story when I started it, but now that we’re through, I can suggest that you give YSK a chance if you want to read a soft, introspective take on tomione with older characters. There’s some fluff, smut, humor, and social commentary, and there’s no explicit violence. It’s not the most common way to represent the pairing, but I hope you give it a try if you’re into the two characters, all the same.

Spoilers and meta about the process of writing this story below the fold.

I can be honest, here: I wanted to write a happy ending. I did not have the constitution for an unhappy ending when I started this, and maybe more than that, even, I did not have the constitution to write a very unhealthy relationship between Hermione and Tom. I didn’t want to see her treated poorly. I didn’t want to write Tom as an irredeemable villain. Those stories have been told well before, but that’s not what I can offer. However, it’s sort of an absurd notion, right? A Tomione with a reasonably healthy relationship as the endgame? Especially without making it a time travel story, or an AU where he has no horcruxes, it’s going to require some suspension of disbelief.

I wasn’t interested in a reformed and repentant Tom. He’s interesting to me as a messy person. One prevalent norm for depicting his life is that he’s been a relatively successful leader of his terrorist organization since his teen years, and that was the first assumption I threw out. If we instead let him be this guy with tons of potential who never really took off after school, perhaps because he’s too unwilling to work within the existing systems of power, and he’s surrounded by wealthy and successful peers, he ends up being in a fascinatingly vulnerable state. I added the complication that he’s not so pretty anymore, fucking around with all that Dark magic, so that he’s in a suitable place to be responsive to Hermione’s first approach. For my Tom to work, he needs to still have access to his humanity, including his vulnerabilities, and having him facing the prejudices of the wizarding world / not being God-tier Lord Voldemort is important for that. He’s not a good guy—he murders, tortures, etc.—but even bad people enjoy physical affection or have to pay bills. I based a lot of Tom on myself and my partner so that he would feel real, and he is absolutely the character I relate most to in this story.

Hermione, likewise, I wasn’t interested in flipping her into a dark character, but I also didn’t want to write her as an angelic savior sent to purify Tom’s soul. I think I was a little less successful w/ writing her, to be honest—I struggle with her character for myriad reasons, including that I just don’t tend to like many depictions of Hermione, so it was a challenge to balance her negative traits in a way that made her interesting but not intolerable to write. I like the Hermione I wrote. I just also think she might tend toward a bit more of a savior archetype than I was hoping. Anyway, the key motivation for her was that she had to be a very normal person, despite her big brain. My Hermione is initially captivated by Tom because she’s already built him up in her head as this perfect guy, so when he shows interest in her and is a reasonable, if casual, partner, she becomes deeply infatuated with him. All of her acceptance starts from that place of already liking or loving him, and wanting to keep him in her life. It was important, to me, to show her as a very normal woman in those early chapters—lots of tomione fic has Tom explicitly stating that she’s “not like other girls,” and I find that concept as poisonous in fiction as I do in real life. My girl falls for Tom precisely because she is like other girls and cannot be expected to hold her heart separate from what appears to be a normal relationship. She’s invested enough to hold on to his companionship, even as she’s setting reasonable boundaries for just how involved they’ll be, and she doesn’t totally break down until he reveals his horcruxes. But by then, they’ve built up enough trust for her to eventually accommodate them.

The challenge was to write this relationship progression so that it wasn’t a toxic dynamic. Too much blind acceptance from Hermione and Tom becomes manipulative; too much concession from Tom and he loses his essence. There are so many decisions along the way in this story that resulted from long discussions with myself about what would actually be believable. The idea of starting a university, for example, was a major leap of faith for me, because I wasn’t sure if readers would think it was “enough” for Tom, but I’m so happy to see that a lot of people liked it. (It clicked for me as the right path when I thought about what became the dialogue: “Become Salazar Slytherin.” World domination isn’t the only form of power that I think Tom could enjoy.) And I really, really wanted no toxicity! One of my earliest planning notes from the story is that Hermione should always have the ability to walk away unharmed. Tom keeping her around through threats was not allowed.

I hope that the themes that come through, for readers, are acceptance and communication. It’s a story that meditates on the work it would take to build their relationship. It’s not particularly dramatic, there’s not much of a plot, and they’re very clearly versions of the characters that are slanted in a favorable direction for my aims. However, I think both Hermione and Tom are recognizable, and I’m really pleased with the slower pace that I think is afforded by their ages/life circumstances. If you read it, I hope you enjoy it!

#tomione #Tom Riddle #Hermione Granger #hermione x tom #tom x hermione #hpff #ao3 #ysk

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housewarningparty · 5 years ago

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Thanks for recommending Gideon the Ninth! It was so good! Do you have a book rec tag I could check out? :)

honestly i should, huh? i’ve read more books than probably ever before this year and i’ve talked about ‘em intermittently, but not with a consistent tag. i’ll recommend some right now, though, with a healthy dose of recency bias!

sf/f

the priory of the orange tree by samantha shannon - a truly epic fantasy novel with one of the most beautiful, satisfying f/f romances i’ve ever read. the novel takes account nearly everything i hate about fantasy as a genre (overwhelmingly straight, white, and male centric, bland medieval European settings, tired tropes) and subverts them. incredible world-building, diverse fantasy cultures, really cool arthrurian legend influence. one of my favorite books i’ve ever read tbh.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir - which you’ve read, obviously, but for posterity’s sake i’m keeping it here! sci-fi + murder mystery + gothic horror. genuinely funny while still having a super strong emotional core and more than enough gnarly necromantic to satisfy the horror nerd in me. makes use of some of my favorite tropes in fiction, namely the slowburn childhood enemies to reluctant allies to friends to ??? progression between gideon and harrow. absolutely frothing at the mouth for a sequel.

the broken earth trilogy by nk jemisin - really the first book that helped me realize i don’t hate fantasy, i just hate the mainstream ‘medieval europe but with magic’ version of fantasy that dominates the genre. EXTREMELY cool worldbuilding. i’ve definitely described it as like, a GOOD version of what the mage-vs-templar conflict in dragon age could have been, with a storyline particularly reminiscent of “what if someone got Anders right?”

this is how you lose the time war by amal el-mohtar and max gladstone - i’m not usually big on epistolary novels, but this one really worked for me. spy vs spy but it’s gay and takes place between time traveling agents of two opposing sides of a war. the letter writing format really plays to el-mohtar’s strengths as a poet, the unfolding love story is weird and beautiful. it’s a really quick read, too, if you’re short on time or attention.

empress of forever by max gladstone - i just finished this one this week! if you’re in the mood for a space opera, look no further. imagine if steve jobs was an asian lesbian and also like not a shitty person. this is where you start with vivian liao. you get the classic putting-the-band-together arc with beings from all across the universe, your romances and enemies-turned-friends and uneasy alliances all over the place. really satisfying character development and some extremely cool twists along the way. it’s just a fun good time.

the luminous dead by caitlin starling - this one rides the line of horror so it’s closest to that part of the list. it reminds me of the most inventive low budget horror/sci-fi films i’ve loved in the best way possible because it makes use of the barest narrative resources. it’s a book that takes place in one primary setting, featuring interactions between two characters that only meet each other face-to-face for the briefest period. the tension between the two characters is the most compelling part of the story, with competing and increasingly unreliable narratives and an eerie backdrop to ratchet things up even higher. the author described it as “queer trust kink” at one point which is, uh, super apt actually and totally my jam. the relationship at the center of the book is complicated to say the least, outright combative at points, but super compelling. plus there’s lost of gnarly sci-fi spelunking if you like stories about people wandering around in caves.

horror

the ballad of black tom by victor lavalle - we all agree that while lovecraft introduced/popularized some cool elements into horror and kind of defined what cosmic horror would come to mean, he was a racist sack of shit. which is why my favorite type of ‘lovecraftian horror’ is the type that openly challenges his abhorrent views. the ballad of black tom is a retelling of the horror at redhook that flips the narrative by centering the action around a black protagonist.

lovecraft country by matt ruff - more of what i just described. again, lovecraftian themes centered around black protagonists. this one’s especially cool because it’s a series of interconnected short stories following related characters. it’s getting a tv adaptation i believe, but the book is definitely not to be missed

rolling in the deep / into the drowning deep by mira grant - mermaids are real and they’re the ultimate deep sea predators! that’s really the whole premise. if for some reason that’s not enough for you, let me add this: diverse cast, a romance between a bi woman who’s not afraid to use the word and an autistic lesbian, really cool speculative science tangents about mermaid biology and myth.

the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson - it’s halloween month so i’m thinking about hill house again. one of the greatest american ghost stories ever written. especially worth the read if you follow it up w the 1964 film adaptation (the haunting) and then the 2018 netflix series.

the hunger by alma katsu - i’ve always been fascinated by the donner party even though we now know the popular narrative is largely falsehoods. still, this highly fictionalized version of events scratched an itch for me and ended up surprising me with its resistance from the most expected and toxic racist tropes associated with donner party myth.

wounds / north american lake monsters by nathan ballingrud - nathan ballingrud is my favorite horror writer of all time. one of my favorite writers period regardless of genre. in ballingrud’s work the horror is right in front of you. you can look directly at it, it’s right there. but what permeates it, what draws your attention instead, what makes it hurt is the brutally honest emotional core of everything surrounding the horror. the human tragedy that’s’ reflected by the more fantastic horror elements is the heart of his work. it’s always deeply, profoundly moving for me. both of these collections are technically short stories, but they’re in the horror section of the recs because delineations are totally arbitrary and made solely at my discretion.

short stories

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado - tbh i almost put this in w horror but there’s enough weird fiction here for me to be willing to straddle the line. it was really refreshing to read horror that centered queer women’s perspectives. the stories in this collection are really diverse and super powerful. there’s an incredible weird fiction piece that’s like prompt-based law and order svu micro fiction (go with me here) that ends up going to some incredible places. there’s the husband stitch, a story that devastated me in ways i’m still unraveling. the final story reminded me of a more contemporary haunting of hill house in the best way possible. machado is a writer i’m really excited about.

vampires in the lemon grove by karen russell - my friend zach recommended this to me when we were swapping book recs earlier this year and i went wild for it! mostly weird fiction, but i’m not really interested in getting hung up on genres. i don’t know what to say about this really other than i really loved it and it got me excited about reading in a way i haven’t been in a while.

the tenth of december by george saunders - i really like saunders’ work and i feel like the tenth of december is a great place to start reading him. quirky without being cloying, weird without being unrelatable.

misc

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid - there’s something really compelling to me about the glamour of old hollywood. this story is framed as a young journalist interviewing a famously reclusive former starlet at the end of her life. the story of how evelyn hugo goes from being the dirt-poor daughter of cuban immigrants to one of the biggest names in hollywood to an old woman facing the end of her life alone is by turns beautiful, inspiring, infuriating and desperately sad. by far the heart of the book is in evelyn finally coming out as bisexual, detailing her decades-long on/off relationship with celia st. james, another actress. evelyn’s life was turbulent, fraught with abuse and the kind of exploitation you can expect from the hollywood machine, but the story is compelling and engaging and i loved reading it.

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty - a memoir by caitlin doughty, the woman behind the popular ‘ask a mortician’ youtube series. it was a super insightful look into the american death industry and its many flaws as well as an interesting, often moving look at the human relationship with death through the eyes of someone touched by it early and deeply.

love and rockets by los bros hernandez (jaime and gilbert and mario) - this was a big alt comic in the 80s with some series within running on and off through the present. i’m not current, but this book was so important for me as a kid. in particular the locas series, which centered around two queer latina girls coming up in the punk scene in a fictional california town. the beginning starts of a little sci-fi-ish but over time becomes more concerned with slice-of-life personal dramas.

#book recs #long post #SORRY IF THIS IS MORE THAN YOU WANTED #obviouslyending #book tag

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noxstellacaelum · 5 years ago

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No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

So, I suck at Tumblr. I changed my name and suddenly all of my links are broken. A friend asked me to repost this when she could not find it, so apologies for round 2.

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Apart from the non-canon aspect of computers, stereotyping much on who likes tech?).

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism. (Or, maybe it’s that show Simon saves show Izzy from show Clary that’s the problem: book Izzy would not have been bested by Clary, book Clary never would have attacked her friends and chosen family, and the dark Clary made zero narrative/ emotional sense.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

#SHTV #clary fairchild #veronica mars #veronica mars season 4 #mayrse #Jace Wayland #Clace #cassandra clare #tmi #shadowhunters

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crimeronan · 5 years ago

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was musing about adam loving gansey and rafi wanted me to post my thoughts here so:

adam loving gansey and all the wonderful and painful complications that come from that

these thoughts are mostly cobbled together from me being emo in group chat messages so this probably won’t be the most cohesive put-together analysis, it’s just. a dump of all my thoughts about adam loving gansey

i’ve read and written a lot of meta about gansey being the first person to show adam uncomplicated love

but there’s also this: gansey was the first person adam ever loved. adam had never had any connections or emotional roots in anything until gansey

and now i’m gonna grab my messages by putting them in linear order of gansey and adam’s relationship timeline rather than the order i sent them because they’re spread across two chats and all over the place

i fucking ADORE the gansey and adam meeting scene it's one of my fave in the books that i can go back to and dissect over and over anyway what i'm thinking about is how gansey interacted with him and how that intersected w/ class and privilege and adam's assumptions like

gansey asking adam to show him how to fix his car because he recognizes adam has a skillset he doesn't and attributes no class dynamics to it whatsoever, adam knows something he doesn't and can teach him something he's been wanting to learn and adam's knowledge is a respectable impressive wonderful thing

(also, on a lesser note, how gansey wanting to speak the camaro's language immediately Gets the part of adam that needs to understand and connect everything put in front of him)

how when adam tells gansey he's working as a mechanic to put himself through school (AND WHAT AN IMMEDIATE SHOW OF VULNERABILITY THAT WAS JESUS) gansey's awed and impressed and a little intimidated by adam's drive, how gansey's response to adam being a scholarship kid isn't "oh lol you're a poor local you're not like me" it's "oh holy shit you're so fucking smart"

like. hhhhhh. hhhhhhhhhhhhHhhh. thinkin about adam's headspace. how tense he was at the start of the interaction and how tense he's been trying to fit in at aglionby every single day of his life and then going home to a violent hostile place he also doesn't fit like. so much of adam is so spiky and defensive and constantly braced for an attack

and gansey being the first person in adam's life who's ever not only NOT made adam feel like he needs to apologize for or explain himself but ALSO seen value and worth in the choices adam's made for himself and the person he's trying to be and how adam's like i am going to love everything about you so much so fiercely so acceptingly even if it kills me because that's how you love me

and gansey has no idea about any of that because why would he, he wasn't making a grand gesture or trying to manipulate, he was just..... being gansey

the fact that this is The First also means that adam doesn’t have any prior lived experiences to tell him what love is supposed to feel like. when what he and gansey have is painful he accepts it because he doesn’t have the context to know that love isn’t supposed to cause pain. the same is true of gansey, who never doubted his parents’ love but who, prior to ronan, had never really experienced honest and open and unquestioningly loving relationships

adam doesn't have any idea how to navigate love or boundaries or friendships or how to accept help or what's okay to accept like.... adam's core rock is his own set of principles and he uses those as his rules because he is COMPLETELY adrift when it comes to understanding other people or relationships or the give and take of them. adam needs to live by strict occasionally irrational sets of semi-neurotic rules because he literally does not have ANY lived experiences that can help him here

adam is like okay i can control what i do and i can't control what gansey does but i can control what gansey does to me. if gansey violates those rules it's game over. but if gansey occasionally seems thoughtlessly cruel or malicious or ignorantly classist or any number of other things that's fine i'm gonna call him on it but accept and live with it because he's gansey and he accepts and lives with all my shit because i'm adam

which causes the majority of the push and pull tension that exists between them for like the whole series

that it’s not until the THIRD BOOK that adam even REALIZES that gansey EXPERIENCES FEAR and what that means for them - so much of gansey’s core motivation is based in fear. gansey’s terrified all the time. most of gansey’s worst mistakes are born of frustration and anger that, underneath, are rooted in terror

and adam doesn’t understand that. adam truly believes that the hurt gansey’s inflicted has been because there is a part of gansey that is so ignorantly privileged and desperate for control and ownership of things, that gansey is always self-assured and never afraid, that gansey wants to possess him. and adam chooses to love gansey regardless because he knows that gansey is giving him that same acceptance, and he’s thinking well, we can tolerate the ugly parts of each other, they don’t ruin the good

adam has no idea how afraid gansey is. adam has such a fundamental misunderstanding of gansey, here, and it makes gansey a much more unpleasantly-sketched person than he actually is, and even so it never even occurs to adam not to love him

gansey was the first truly precious thing adam ever wanted to keep

adam had no attachments to anything!! he had nothing!! literally all he had was himself and his ambition and his escape plan, he had NOTHING he loved and no interest in putting down any roots anywhere

like, he loved ideas and cars and the concept of a financially successful future but he didn't have a single real meaningful connection to any other person or any piece of the world and he didn't believe love was something that existed or if it did it certainly shouldn't be prioritized

and then the SECOND gansey gave adam unconditional warmth and acceptance adam immediately and actively decided he was gonna love and accept everything about gansey forever because gansey was worth keeping

and all it took was ten minutes of honest connection and warmth that's ALL IT TOOK

because adam wasn't being cold or callous or removed by nature he just had literally never been shown unquestioning kindness in his life and did not know it EXISTED

gansey was the first person/place/thing where adam ever put down any permanent roots

he was - at least until adam befriended noah - the entire shape of adam's ability to love and connect with anything

ALSO FROM THERE THAT accepting all the pieces of gansey including the yearning and the wanderlust and the quest adam doesn't even really believe in and then gansey leading adam to cabeswater?? i need to walk into the ocean

so much of adam's terror and ferocity wrt gansey's safety and fear of hurting/killing gansey takes on a whole new life when you stop and realize gansey's the first person adam's ever loved like this

(not the last, obviously, there's noah and then blue and then ronan, but gansey being The First matters)

it also makes me wonder if any of adam's fear of gansey hurting him is projecting because for the most part i read lines like "he likes all his things in one place" as a really EXCELLENT dissection of classism and privilege and power dynamics and freedom and independence and everything therein

but adam looking desperately and helplessly at gansey like "here's this thing i love so much and i don't know how not to ruin it. i don't know how not to hurt anything"

adam following gansey with an attitude of “i don’t believe in magic but i accept that you do so i’m along for the ride” and then that faith in gansey leading him to cabeswater and deeply rooted emotional magic and connection

is the narrative’s direct external parallel for adam following gansey with an attitude of “i don’t believe in love but i accept that you do so i’m along for the ride,” and then through that connection finding other people he loves and finding things he loves and learning to love himself and love the world and build connections and feel awake and alive and meaningful

adam risked everything to give his love to gansey and even despite the varying pain it caused, adam being brave enough to take that leap and give that piece of himself just that first time -- that’s what led him to eventual healing and self actualization. not gansey himself, but adam’s active conscious choice to love gansey. to take that risk

gansey being the first person that adam loved matters a Whole Fucking Lot.

#trc #trc meta #adansey #adam parrish #gansey #richard gansey iii #gansey was the first truly precious thing adam ever wanted to keep #is really quite a sentiment and also such an intense thought to have #when you consider how afraid adam is that he's going to kill gansey

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magicianapprenticelyra · 5 years ago

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PolyShips w/ the Kids! [I]

—I’ve been thinking about some multi/poly relationships within the fandom with the LIs and their apprentices.

I’ve been wondering how these dynamics would work with Lyra and her kids from the other parents!

First one of the bunch—

Asra/Lyra/Muriel:

How It Happens: Honestly this is the one of the polyamorous relationships that has a high possibility of happening.

It comes about from when Lyra and Asra first become a couple, and eventually Muriel joins the relationship.

Muriel feels really awkward and feels like he’s intruding on his best friend’s relationship.

The feeling eventually goes away, because no matter what—and it took a while but it worked—Asra and Lyra involve him in everything.

When they do go out together, Muriel tends to be in the middle, all of them within arms reach.

Muriel made the rings for Asra and Lyra for their wedding, and eventually he was gifted a ring from them.

He teared up. They all did.

Muriel divides where he sleeps at the shop and in his hut.

Lyra’s uncle Bảo helped them get a custom bed in the shop so the three of them could fit on it.

Muriel was sure it was magic somehow, even if said uncle isn’t magically inclined.

The topic of kids coming up made Muriel wary to say the least.

Still, he was the one that made the cribs, giving each kid a custom headboard designed with their names surrounded in protection spells.

[More under the cut!]

⁂

The Kids Themselves

Hải and Noor are the older set of kids to happen first, a set of fraternal twins. Parents are Lyra and Asra.

They’re older than Iris (Muriel’s her father) by about four to five years.

Iris grows tall really, really fast.

She’s born as a really big baby: Lyra needed to get a C-section (both in-game/in the Modern AU)

Muriel felt awful and wasn’t in the room when it was happening, but once all the blood was mostly cleaned up, came back in and cried upon seeing this little tubby baby of theirs.

Asra was sniffling in the background and the twins are just in awe.

Also slightly terrified since they saw a part of the procedure before running out of the room.

⁂

The Parents’ Relationship With The Kids:

Lyra:

w/ Hải

She is really worried about him in general.

He’s not the most social.

She’s the one that has to nudge him to go outdoors more often than not.

Painfully, socially awkward to the point he’d hide under the bed in order to not have to go out.

Her son didn’t really want to have friends.

It seemed the case until she found out about the bullying.

Modern AU: She went to the principal’s office about it but not much was done.

In-game: Pulled the parents aside to talk. Pretty much the same results.

Lyra was with him when he found his familiar: Scheherazade the Earless Monitor Lizard.

Scheherazade is a much older little lizard—Hải named her that because she had many a story to tell his curious little self.

She is usually the third person—it’s a toss-up between the Countess or his grandpa for first and second—to see his designs for prosthetics.

He’s working on models geared to be affordable to the general populace and with less expensive materials than the metals his grandparents work with.

Bounces ideas off of each other for his sketches of possible toys for kids.

He uses wood usually, and he makes steel tops for kids.

w/ Noor

The baby can do fire and water magic?? Oh dear.

Lucky for Lyra and her partners, Noor wasn’t too out of depth with her magical capabilities.

Noor took an instant shine to dancing when she saw Mom, Dad and Zaza doing so.

Noor compares marriage to having a life-long partner—or partners!—that would each take turns catching the other, be it in the highs or lows.

When she is old enough is able to handle herself on her own, Noor takes trips all over the place to learn dances from all the regions she can.

Lyra: “Please show us signs of life through letters.”

Noor: “I promise, I promise!”

Noor keeps her promise, and always returns within a handful of months from each departure.

Noor does have trouble with finding a place in Vesuvia.

She gets a bit mad about it, and Lyra pulls her over to Selasi’s in order to beat the shit out of some dough.

Most of the time the dough is too overworked to be given to paying customers, but she still eats it.

Has a little too much fun being a tester for any of the toys her twin creates, so Lyra usually follows along to make sure no one loses their eyebrows, again.

It is a looooooooong story.

w/ Iris

Oh she was so heavy as a baby.

Julian talked to Lyra about her options in terms of delivering, and they agreed upon the C-section procedure.

Iris was a whimsical child.

Learned to crawl, and then run before walking.

Often gave her mom heart attacks when she’d walk off into the Forest, forcing Lyra, Muriel and sometimes Asra—Inanna was always in tow, sniffing her out—to go and bring her back to the safety of the city.

Makes friends with a baby Pika who eventually became her familiar.

Lyra: “Honey, why is he named Flower?”

Iris: “He had a mouthful of them when I met him!”

Lyra: “Fair enough.”

Wanted to be as strong as her Papa.

Lyra often secured places for her to work out as a teenager.

Lyra even convinced Nadia to allow Iris to sometimes attend training sessions of the Palace Guard.

Was offered a position many times, but Iris preferred to help out in the shop.

Biggest sigh of relief for Lyra, to be honest.

Lyra is often greeted by this child in the way of being picked up and swung around.

She’s learned to become a noodle when Iris swings her around.

Is deeply amused by the fact she’s fallen in love with Noah, the blind son of Julian and @vesuvianoak‘s apprentice Ąžuolas.

More often than not is a silent observer of their interactions from afar.

Was the one to get Noah’s ring size from Ąžuolas and nudged Iris with it so she could get the ring bands.

Muriel:

w/ Hải

Their relationship doesn’t have a lot of spoken dialogue.

Hải can be having a really bad day so Muriel goes to where he’s sulking with a pair of whittling knives and blocks of wood.

They carve together in silence, with Hải holding up his work so Muriel can give pointers.

Muriel is the one that takes him and his siblings out into the woods to get ingredients their Zaza can cook for meals.

Helped Hải get over his fear of moving water.

He taught him to swim.

To be honest, it’s just a doggy paddle.

No one is willing to point it out though.

He was the first parent to learn that Hải was aro-ace.

Muriel reminds him that Lyra is ace as well. Being aromantic didn’t change the fact his entire family was going to support him no matter what.

They hug it out a while and Hải is really thankful for it.

Mun note: I deeply headcanon Muriel is biromantic ace.

Became good friends with Scheherazade when Hải came back from his trip with his mom and grandpa—Salim took him to see and learn from some other alchemists in Zadith.

Was worried Scheherazade was truly a very small dragon, but Hải assured him she wasn’t.

When Hải needs something heavy to be held down or picked up, he turns to Iris and Muriel for help assisting with the task.

Muriel enjoys watching Hải in his element. It’s the most peaceful state he’s seen his boy.

This includes on the annoyingly complicated commissions he works on with his grandparents.

w/ Noor

Was not at all surprised of the magical aptitude she has as a child.

Deems Noor the one with the flashiest tastes in fashion.

Being family friends with the Countess does not help things.

Seriously the kid’s like a beacon or an explosion of colors wherever she goes.

The Masquerade is a big one.

Noor tries to get her Dad to dance a little more.

Works as well as you think.

Is the shoulder and warm arms she cries on when things don’t go well with any of her romantic relationships.

Muriel: “...I could have Inanna scare them.”

Noor: *through her tears, she manages to laugh*.

Usually the first one to see her coming back on her little trips, be it with Asra or by herself.

Also makes sure she eats after her rigorous routines.

She forgets to a lot and he will keep poking her about it until she eats.

This goes for also making sure she doesn’t eat too much or too close before a performance too.

Makes her flower crowns, and was the one to teach her as a kid.

w/ Iris

Muriel was scared he was going to lose his daughter and his wife when Lyra was getting closer and closer to her due date.

It didn’t go nearly as planned with the twins, how could the pregnancy with his child end well?

Luckily, the C-section was a success and Lyra wasn’t in too much pain after the fact.

Iris always points out the scar on Lyra’s abdomen when she does get a glimpse of it.

Was not expecting Iris to want to be like him in two distinct ways: Very Tall and Very Strong.

She tops off in height at 6 feet tall as an adult and she is very strong.

Carried her over his shoulder on the way back home when she snuck off to The Forest.

Iris: “I wanna see the Peryton!”

Muriel: “No they’d chop you into pieces and have you for snacks.

Iris: “DAAAAAAAD! I’M A WHOLE MEAL.”

In the bg, Asra and Lyra are dying with laughter.

*Siiigh*

Unlike Noor, Iris’s style is more in the realm of the feminine: poofy skirts, princess-sorta ball gowns, etc.

Again with the Satrinavas, they spoil her time to time.

The tailors have a good time with Iris, since she has so many anecdotes to tell.

Muriel reassures her each time she puts on a special outfit that yes, she looks beautiful.

If anyone says she ain’t pretty enough because of her muscles, Noor and Hải would look for Auntie Nahara to prove them otherwise.

When Iris starts dating, Muriel asks her to keep a protection charm on her at all times.

It’s a little charm made of twigs, some flowers and a couple of smoothed stones from the river.

Then she up and goes dating one of Julian’s kids.

It’s a funny dynamic, really.

No one had a dry eye at her wedding though. N o o n e.

Muriel: “I’m proud of you. Congratulations, sweetie”

Iris: :D!!

Asra:

w/ Hải

Is not surprised by anything in terms of Hải’s interests nor secrets.

He’s the most chill of all the parents: most things don’t ruffle his feather in comparison to his spouses.

Scheherazade was a bit unexpected, but she’s good friends with the Stove Salamander.

Was very, very proud of the fact his child was able to discover what his magical abilities were, even if he started late compared to most magicians.

If said customers ask about his kids, Asra regales the story of the magnetized spoon to the kitchenette upstairs to every customer

Asra: ✧٩(ˊωˋ*)و✧ “I’m so proud of him! He was really worried about it for a while but—”

Hải: (￣￣|||) “ZAZA YOU’VE TOLD THEM A HUNDRED TIMES. STOP, PLEASE!!!“

Gets him things made of various metals on his trips.

Upon the return trip Asra either sends them in piece by piece or they all arrive at his father’s shop at once in a number of sacks.

Hải: o(≧∇≦o) | o(*>ω<*)o | (ﾉ^∇^)ﾉﾟ|

Will help Hải paint any and all his projects, because while the kid is great at building and assembling things, his knack for painting is left to be desired.

Asra: “Are these colors okay?”

Hải: “Zaza, we’re trying to not blind people. Switch out the blue with...green?“

Asra: “Dark green, got it. I’ll make it match your Dad’s eyes.” (≧∇≦*)

Muriel: (>.<);;;

Asra always encourages Hải to do what he loves.

Gets into arguments with Noor about the toys time to time, the disagreements over the size, color and shapes.

w/ Noor

Asra’s the one she goes to for pointers on how to dance.

Noor: “Am I angled right?”

Asra: *makes the necessary adjustments.*

Noor: “Ohh, right. Thanks Za!”

Asra: o(*>ω<*)o

Was the parent that was happy to allow Noor to go on a trip by herself.

He went around in circles with his spouses for about a week until Muriel and Lyra relented.

Before she left though, Asra added in a punch of reminders of protection spells, just in case.

Every time a romantic endeavor went sour, Asra was the one to make her favorite comfort foods while the others huddled around her and hugged out the sads.

Faust was usually mysteriously gone until she returned, looking too pleased with herself.

Lyra: “Faust? Where have you been?”

Faust: Crimes!

The next day Noor would find out her ex(es) had a terrible incident happen to them.

Nothing major mind you, but they looked ridiculous for about three weeks or so.

Helped her to pick out her outfits for performances.

Lyra and Muriel helped to subdue the technicolor ‘monstrosities’ if they deemed it too much.

Noor’s loudest cheerleader in audiences.

One time he got ejected from the area for being as such.

Muriel and Lyra get a kick out of pointing it out, much to his chagrin.

Asra: “I love seeing you perform and having so much fun!!! I’m sorry...” ( ͒˃̩̩⌂˂̩̩ ͒)

Noor: “It’s okay, Za.”

w/ Iris

He asked the cards what sort of a child she was going to be.

He did not expect a jumble each time he asked.

Asra: “Even the cards couldn’t predict you, sweetie.”

Iris: “Good!!”

Is the victim of all the ‘short’ jokes from the kids to the parents, despite the fact Lyra is only two inches shorter than him.

Iris has used him as a weight when she was pulling carts around, or helping some of the neighbors with fixing up their homes.

Goes to her if he can’t open jar or two, or seven.

Iris: “Papa’s not around?”

Asra: “In the woods with your mom and siblings.”

Iris: *pops them open with ease*

Asra: “Thank you, sweetie!”

Iris: “You’re welcome.”

Oftentimes finds Faust curled up around Iris’s shoulders, because she runs the warmest in the house, second to Muriel.

Will join them, and subsequently, so will the rest of the family.

Will help her do makeup on the occasions she wants to look extra pretty.

Asra: “Glitter or smokey eyes?”

Iris: “Both!”

Asra: “Alrighty, let’s see...”

With any of the seemingly random color combinations she imagines, it turns out better than expected!

⁂

Miscellaneous Details:

Levels of confidence from most to least from childhood to adulthood: Noor, Iris, Hải.

Hải gets better with his self-confidence years down the line. It’s a long process, but he will get there.

As teenagers Iris offered free piggyback rides to her friends and siblings—the twins of course always called first dibs.

Being aro/ace, Hải never looked for any partners in the romantic or sexual sense.

[Modern AU]: His sisters defend him to the point of were Noor almost threw hands with a belligerent, willingly ignorant S.O.B.

Iris was happy enough to let her sis whup the asshole’s ass but Hải had to pull her back.

Also if Iris gets physically combative with anyone it would end up with a hospital visit for the other dude.

Hải is the Best Man at both of his sisters’ weddings.

Everyone cries, because goddamn it we love it all.

And that’s it for this post!

Next: Muriel/Lyra/Julian—TBA

#The Arcana #fan apprentice #Asra #Muriel #asra x muriel x apprentice #asra x apprentice #muriel x apprentice #magicianapprenticelyra #the scribe writes #The Mind: Hải #The Heart: Noor #The Forthright: Iris

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megatraven · 5 years ago

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Who are your favourite love interests from each Lovestruck story you’ve read? And why? I love hearing you talk about the game, your vibe is so happy!!

OH BOY THANK YOU FOR ASKING omg and also thank you for not minding me talkin about it :D

My favorite Astoria character is Alex, which is probably the most obvious one to everyone. I wrote a long post about why i like them so much yesterday :) (but i want it noted i really really adore the other characters too, if Alex wasnt i nthe picture idk who i’d choose bc theyre all my faves.)

For Havenfall, it’s still Mackenzie. I love her not only because she was my very first lovestruck love interest, but also because she’s strong and kind and her heart is made of gold. She’s a giant nerd and a goofball and I really admire her character!! Her route was also really really interesting, the bond she had with MC was so cool! And god she has the patience of a saint, which, MAD respect for her when she has to deal with JD’s latest shenanigans lmao. And, god, you know... she’s a werewolf!!!!!!! How can i Not be absolutely in love with her? Her wolf ears were so cute i could Cry

In Gangsters it’s... it’s a three way tie, i Cannot choose. Rory, Ash, and Chance are just..... so perfect. I fell in love with all three so quickly and their routes have been amazing. The way Chance softens around MC and how he’s always trying to do his best by her just makes me melt. He’s got a protective streak but it’s not too intense to the point that it’s irritating. He worries a lot about being like his dad, but god that only proves how much he isn’t like him. And Rory- god, what don’t I love about her? I think my favorite thing, in her entire route, is that she goes sober. Her drinking is a Character Quirk(tm) in every other route and is even like that for her S1, but when MC comes into her life she stops because she wants to be a better version of herself and it shows, constantly. She’s got so much control and even in her weak moments, she’s not shamed or anything. She’s a hurt individual (i mean, they all are---) but she does her best to not let it define her and it shows. And Ash!!!! He’s so cute and the fact that Seymour instantly loves him made me warm up to him really quickly because, ya know, dogs are great judges of character and all that. He’s quiet and mysterious but he’s got some incredibly funny lines that always took me by surprise. He’s smart and calm and he’s really just such a sweetheart ;o;;

I haven’t played all of Love and Legends yet but I am so so so in love with Helena’s route so far. It’s made very very clear that she’s been hurting for so long and so deeply and it’s a beautiful thing to watch her heal from that hurt, to see her find someone that wants nothing more than to stand by her as she finds her footing again. Her magic is so cool (heh) and idk she’s just. So beautiful and smart and dangerous i’m always in awe when I look at her!!

In Sweet Enchantments, I have to go with Lucien. His character design is my very favorite in the whole app, I think. Teal is one of my favorite colors and he’s got some of the most beautiful CGs. He’s also a lot like Chance in terms of personality, meaning he’s pretty cold and mean at the start, but warms up to the MC. He becomes so soft and gentle and he grows so much as a person, he learns how to be true to himself and not just sell out to a bunch of rowdy fans. All his little gestures to show MC how much he loves her is also very sweet and i just.... he’s so good. He got what was basically two proposals in his route, too, which i was SO in love with. The first is without a ring and when he’s still working off his sentence, but he tells MC that he knows he wants to spend his life with her, if she’ll just wait a little while longer. And then later he Really gets to propose and it made my heart soar, it was so beautiful, it was perfect ;O;;;;

In Sin With Me, Cal is my big big big favorite. Cal comes off as kinda mean, but it’s a facade you get to see through almost immediately in his route. He’s mean because he leads a dangerous life and wants to keep people away, because he cant trust them. But then he’ll buy you the item you guys were fighting over, and he’ll catch you when you’re about to fall in a cafe, and he’ll make sure you get home safely. His relationship with the other troupe members is also very sweet- he’s best friends with Onyx and it’s always one of my favorite interactions in any route. And the way he’s so sweet and kind to Avi? To Malakai’s mom and MC’s mom? He’s got such a good heart underneath his snark!!! He cares so much!!!

For Reigning Passions, it is without a doubt Xenia. My reasons for her are less complicated: she’s a SPIDER LADY with FOUR ARMS and PRETTY SILVER EYES W BLACK SCLERA, how could i NOT be head over heels for her omg???? She’s who i’ve been waiting all my life for. But also, she’s so mysterious her whole thing is so cool. Mistress of spies? That’s the coolest title ever and I Am In Love With Her.

In Wicked Lawless Love im gonna have to go with Cecelia at the moment, although I still havent finished her OR Nathan’s S1s yet. She’s a vampire so??? Of course Im gonna pick her. Her thing with music is really fascinating and when she played the piano at the saloon to the tune of MC’s heartbeat? I nearly fainted lemme tell you, that is Exactly the kind of vampire shenanigans i need in my life.

Villainous Nights is hard because i legit love all of them so much I genuinely dont know if I can pick here. Their routes are all so interesting and unique, especially the MC and how her powers develop in each of them.Can I just pick Andi, Juliette, and Lorelei? Because I wanan pick all three of them. AND ALSO SHOUTOUT TO DUKE AND ZEKE AND RENZEI but especially Zeke and Duke. (Zeke’s special story had me sobbing btw i love him.) Andi is SO FUN and energetic and perky but she’s also like lowkey Wild and Dangerous and i loved that so much about her. Juliette is a giant giant giant nerd and a walking meme and her Bat suit is so freakin cool, I love everything abt her and her powers and EVEYRHTING. And Lorelei... she was the first VN character i played through and god she was amazing. She’s blunt and definitely a silent type, but she has such strong emotions and she’s got so much love. She was hurt so badly and it makes my heart ache but I can only love her more for it and how she works through that pain to be stronger than it. She’s so so strong i have. so much respect for lorelei.

I think thats it for the stories i’ve played all of or parts of!!! Honorable mentions go out to Serena and Vivienne and Zoe and Sofia andd Ellis and Antares! I havent played any of those stories yet but I did play the first free episodes and liked them most!

#long post #meg speaks #lovestruck #U HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO PICK MOST OF THESE #I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR SO MANY CHARACTERS ;O;;;;;#THANK U FOR ASKING THO <33333333

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codename-bewareofthefangirl · 6 years ago

Text

Messed Up

Hi!

A few days ago I read these headcanons about the Bakugou Family by the lovely @cutekirikitty and I felt so inspired, enough to beat for a night my writer's block. Sooooo... this is the result. I wanted to write a ff revolving around Mitsuki, that I headcanon as a very complex and beautiful mother figure. I believe she may have had a past similar to his son, especially due to her flaming personality, and I don’t believe that just because she became a mother all her issues have magically disappeared. Parenting is hard and there’s no guide to it. That’s why I love her so much. I hope you enjoy this ff as much as me!

And thank you again Cutekirikitty for reading and betaing and helping me to improve it! You were such a great inspiration and help!

Have a nice day!

Read On AO3

Mitsuki Bakugou, Masaru Bakugou & KiriBaku

Light Angst, Parenting, Anger Issues, Motherhood, Mother-Son Relationship, Fluff, Kiri is a Sunshine, Established Relationship, Official Introduction to the Parents

“I’m home!”

Masaru’s voice echoed through the rooms of the Bakugou’s household.

As he tiredly took off his shoes, no answer was screamed back at him. He frowned, then let out a little sigh.

Looking around as he straightened, he realized that all the lights were off; he couldn’t hear anything from the kitchen nor any other room.

Oh.

So, that was it?

He silently padded down the corridor, up the stairs and then to the bedroom he shared with his wife. Finding the door closed, he decided to knock before entering. When nobody answered, he turned the knob and quietly stepped into the dark room.

His lips stretched in a bitter-sweet smile.

There she was, Mitsuki, curled in the middle of their bed, with photos scattered around her as the light of the dying sun dyed her in red. He could only see her back but knew by heart all the telltale signs of when his wife was upset.

“I’m home…” he repeated in a murmur.

A flinch.

“…welcome back.”

“Can I sit?”

A shrug.

Satisfied with the reaction, he seated on the corner of the bed. Close enough to reach out to her in case of need, but not to suffocate her.

Mitsuki was staring at a crumpled photo in her hands, chin resting on the knees.

It brought Masaru back in times, to when they were younger. When Mitsuki was fighting with herself day by day, when she would suddenly get silent and mad and flee away from him for no apparent reason. When Masaru would wait for hours under her window to know if she was alright, when he would let her cry into his arms. When life was less complicated, and they were the only ones they had to take care of.

Masaru leaned to look at which one she was looking, even though he could sort of tell by all the wrinkles. A photo she had the habit to pick when she was angry at herself.

A young Katsuki flashed a blinding smile to the camera, holding triumphantly some flowers in his hands. There were two or three bruises on his skin.

They had gone hiking for the first time ever; well, more a walk than anything. Katsuki had been so excited about the smallest things, running wild into the woods. The scars were a badge of honor for having tripped down a slide as he tried to pick some flowers for Mitsuki. His mother hadn’t had the heart to scold him, too moved by the innocent gift.

“…wasn’t he happy?” she whispered, voice scratchy.

He could see how puffy her eyes were but made no comment.

“Yes, it’s one of my favorite photos.”

She nodded in agreement.

“It was one of the last times I genuinely complimented him wasn’t it?”

Masaru didn’t reply.

They both knew the answer.

Mitsuki was an overly proud mom.

Who could blame her?

She had a caring, honest husband she loved to death and a strong, shiny son who deserved the world. She still couldn’t believe she had been blessed with them, especially thinking of all the flaws and issues she had always harbored inside.

She had managed to do something good in the end, hadn’t she?

That’s why she had always showered Katsuki with compliments, love, and affection. Well, partially it was also to compensate for when she would lose control and let her anger burn, but she was working on it; she had already improved in comparison as to how she was during high school. But, most of all, it was because she genuinely believed Katsuki was the best child ever.

Strong, beautiful, capable, smart, confident… And with a strong quirk to match! She couldn’t count how many people had complimented her, saying her Katsuki was born to be a hero.

How could have a mother not let it go to her head? She had always been bad at control herself, at doing things with measure.

She had let it blind her.

Stupid of her, right?

Then small things had started to pile up… a harsh comment, a sentence that had made her nearly snapped, bruises on his skin, stubborn replies, an annoyed click of the tongue... Small things that should have told her what was happening, that should have made her understand. But… she didn’t want to see. Katsuki was probably the best thing it had ever happened to her and she didn’t want to accept she may have… ruined it. She wasn’t ready. She was scared. She wanted to believe they were just tantrums, that they would pass soon.

Until the truth smacked her in the face and she was left with no choice.

She truly realized how things had escalated only during a quiet afternoon after she had picked up Katsuki and Midoriya from the kindergarten. Usually, all the boys would go play at the park in front of the house, but that day… ah, that day Mitsuki had asked Midoriya and Katsuki to play in the garden. Even though Katsuki had seemed annoyed by something and the other boy more nervous than usual, she had brushed it off. The house was empty, she had the laundry to do but didn’t want to feel lonely, and, most of all, she was curious about what they would play. It had passed some time since she had seen them enjoying themselves, hadn’t it? They were already growing.

At first, the afternoon had passed smoothly.

Mitsuki had finished her laundry and then moved to vacuum the bedrooms on the second floor. The kids were playing some adventures in the garden when she heard a pained gasp.

Dropping everything, she rushed down the stairs with the heart in her throat.

“Katsuki! Midoriya!” She called, stumbling out in the garden.

“What?” Bakugou replied, his tone clearly annoyed.

Mitsuki froze.

Her son was standing on the grass with a stick into his hands, while Midoriya had fallen to the ground. He was wearing some strange rags and had written on his forehead “Bad”; his knees were scratched, and tears streamed down his cheeks as he trembled like a leaf.

“W-what’s going on?” Mitsuki asked.

Bakugou rolled his eyes.

“We are playing at the hero and the monster. Deku is being weak.”

“Deku?” Her eyes grew wide, but the boy didn’t flinch.

“Yeah, I chose it. We were playing, I was defeating him when he fell and said he didn’t want to play anymore.”

Mitsuki looked at the small boy, who tried hurriedly to hide the tears.

“Are you alright, Midoriya?”

The boy nodded and stifled a smile.

“I-I am!”

“It doesn’t seem so.”

The boy threw a scared glance at Katsuki, who clicked his tongue, and nodded again.

“I am! I’m fine!”

Mitsuki frowned, stepping closer.

“Why don’t you change the game? You could be both heroes and I can play the monster!” she suggested as she helped him stand. A strange uneasiness was creeping into her heart.

Midoriya seemed to light up, but Katsuki immediately protested.

“No.”

Mitsuki glared at him.

“Why not?”

“Because he’s weak.”

His mother blinked, shocked.

“What?”

“Deku is weak. He can’t be a hero, he doesn’t even have a quirk yet!” Bakugou was clenching his fists, explosions echoing against his palms. “Tsk, I didn’t even want to play with him but you just brought him home…”

“Sure he can! What are you saying about your friend! Obviously Midoriya can be a hero! And stop calling him Deku, it’s not nice!” she snapped angrily, her tone sharper than what she intended.

Bakugou took a step back, shocked, but immediately glared back even more fiercely.

“He’s not my friend! And he can’t! You said it! Only strong kids can become heroes! He’s not!” he yelled, stomping a foot on the ground.

“He can be strong too!” Mitsuki should have remembered she was talking to a kid, but something in Bakugou’s attitude was making her brain shortcut. Was the look in his eyes? Or the conviction in his tone?

“He’s not! Everybody knows he’s weak! I am strong! I will be the hero!” She didn’t see the fear behind her son’s eyes, “I am the best! You said it, dad said it, the teachers said it!”

“This doesn’t mean that Midoriya is-”

“HE’S NOT! I’M THE ONLY HERO!” Bakugou roared, explosions going wild as he turned and pushed Midoriya to the ground once again, “HE’S NOTHING!”

Mitsuki’s heart stopped.

Her hand moved before she could think.

The slap echoed in the garden.

Bakugou stared at her with the mouth open.

Soon, his eyes filled with tears.

“W-why?” he whined, confused, angry and scared at the same time.

Mitsuki glanced at her own hand, fear strangling her from the inside.

She had never, never hit her son before. Never.

Midoriya started crying too.

She felt the panic rising, lost as what to do.

“K-Katsuki! Go to your bedroom! Now!” she ordered, trying to hide her insecurities behind a mask of anger.

“But I didn’t-”

“Now!”

The boy clenched his jaw.

“I hate you! Liar!” he seethed before running away.

Mitsuki watched him disappear inside the house, heart heavy and mind blank.

“Bakugou-san?” Midoriya was tugging at her sleeve, desperate.

She blinked at him and bent to pick him up, moving more on instinct than anything. She felt like an empty doll.

All she could think was that she had messed up.

She had messed up.

Mitsuki replayed what had just happened over and over again, in a state of horror, as she carried Midoriya home.

All those praises, the compliments, her stupid pride… she had messed up.

And only as she bowed deeply to Iinko, apologizing with all her heart for the behavior of her son, she realized what she had done to Katsuki.

It was her fault.

She had messed up. Once again.

Now she had to fix it.

From that day, Mitsuki gradually stopped complimenting Bakugou. She now saw how much they had inflated his pride and blinded his sight, and wanted to do something to fix, but didn’t know what. She hid her fear and regrets behind her short temper; she started making harsh remarks as soon as he misbehaved, faking not to see how good he was at everything he did and how much he put his efforts into it, finding flaws to mine his growing ego. No matter how much it hurt, how quickly the arguments between them increased, how similar their explosive personalities became and how bitter the resentment in Katsuki’s eyes grew, she shut her heart off.

She genuinely thought that would have been the right solution, believing the rare and awkward moments of shared affection would be enough to keep their relationship working.

Mitsuki only wanted him to realize his limits and flaws, to humbly accept that others could be great too.

She just wanted to be a great mother to a great son.

But when she realized that her attempts had only had the opposite effect, it was again too late. She had forgotten how to love Katsuki without hiding, how to show her love without shouting and being brusque, and Katsuki had grown distant and resentful, had seen through the mask all her flaws and pathetic attempts at parenting.

“What happened today?” Masaru asked gently, pulling her back to the present.

She didn’t say a word but took her phone and threw it into his lap. As soon as the screen lightened up, he realized it was already open on a message. By Katsuki.

“Tomorrow I’ll come for lunch with my boyfriend. I don’t want to, but he’s being a pain in the ass because he wants to meet you.

Don’t mess up, old hag.”

A gasp of surprise left his mouth.

Katsuki had a boyfriend?

He took the time to let it sink, then gave her back the phone.

“I doubt this is due to the fact it’s a boy and not a girl.”

“Who fucking cares!” she snapped, “It’s already a miracle he found someone with the horrible personality he-” She bit her own tongue, grimacing.

Ah, she was doing it again.

Her husband slowly rubbed circles on her back.

“Then?”

“The last sentence. It’s a fucking warning.”

“He must really care about him…” Masaru couldn’t help but smile fondly. The only thought that Katsuki had found someone special warmed him up.

“Obviously!” she scoffed, “As he could do something half-assed!”

Masaru chuckled, “You’re right.”

But that didn’t explain why Mitsuki was torturing herself again.

However, he let her be with her thoughts, just pulling her slowly closer.

After what seemed an infinite amount of time, she gently pushed him back.

“I have to prepare dinner…” She uncurled, stretching, and climbed out of the bed.

Her husband frowned a little, but his hand stopped in midair.

Should have he grabbed her? Insisted?

Ah, he had never been good at insisting, not even when it mattered the most. Not even when he should have. That’s why he had always ended up looking at the two people he loved the most in his life tearing each other apart, without being able to help. Tired and out of the loop after a day at work, too mellow and soft to contrast their anger or stop their aggressive arguments. Oh, he was good at comforting them afterward, when they were locked in their rooms berating themselves and the other at once, but it was too late. That was damage control, not a useful help.

But his wife knew him.

“It’s a threat, Masaru,” she said, stilling on the door without turning, “A warning for me. Don’t fuck up this time or it’s the end. And we all know how good I am at messing up.”

When they had told her Katsuki had been kidnapped, her world had shattered.

Katsuki? Her son? Kidnapped?

Before she could make up, before they could fix their relationship, he had been taken away. And what if that was the end?

She could remember rushing to the tv and stilling in shock as the new reported the incident, the world around becoming a buzzing blur. She had come back from the abyss of regrets and anger only as Eraserhead defended Katsuki, the only one who had seen the truth people always ignored about him, and she had never felt more grateful Katsuki had found teachers like him. The tears had streamed down her face without stopping until she had seen him being saved by his friends.

But what had she done when Katsuki had finally returned home?

Ah, just a hug. A hug was all that she had managed before her anger and issues had exploded.

She had screamed at him.

Because she had felt like dying while he was in danger. Because she was angry at Katsuki for letting them kidnap him and at herself for being angry for such a stupid reason. Because she felt so relieved, broken and frail she didn’t know how to hide it.

Because, simply, Mitsuki didn’t how to deal with the turmoil in her heart and always messed up everything, letting anger take the wheel as she tried to push back the rest.

They had ended up locked into their rooms once again, in a never-ending déjà vu, until Masaru had put her pieces back together and helped her going to Katsuki’s room without chickening back. It had taken all her courage and strength to knock and enter; she didn’t even have had the heart to switch on the light.

Since Katsuki hadn’t screamed to go away, she crawled into his bed and hugged him to the chest; feeling his arms circling her was such a relief. She let silent tears fell onto his blond hair, holding onto him as he buried the face into her chest. Outside the room, they both knew Masaru was sitting on the floor, waiting.

“…I’m- glad…” she managed to whisper.

Katsuki raised his head to meet her gaze.

“…me too…” he replied all too softly.

But she saw the disappointment in his eyes, the question screaming.

Why? Why couldn’t they be better than this? Why they always had to hurt each other? Why?

The next day, Mitsuki had let his son into the hands of the U.A teachers.

She had felt so disgusted by herself: for a second, she had felt glad they were taking him. She had been glad he would go and live at the dorm because she didn’t know how to answer that “Why?”; because she knew that those teachers were helping him grow and mature far better than she had ever done. Because every time she looked at him she remembered what a shitty mother she was, and it hurt.

And the worst was that Katsuki knew, she was sure he knew, and what could he ever feel for her, a mother messed up and scared to raise her own son, more than disappointment?

As the fated hour approached, Mitsuki grew nervous and nervous.

She was helping her husband in the kitchen with the lunch, but her hands trembled so badly she was murdering that poor potato.

“Why don’t you set the table?” Masaru gently took the knife away from her hands.

She sighed.

“I already did. Three times.”

“Three?”

“The second because I was agitated. The third because I snapped and hit a glass by accident. It shattered,” she grumbled begrudgingly.

“Are you okay?” Masaru took a look at her hand.

She rolled her eyes.

“Except for the fact that I’m a 38 years old grown ass woman but I’m panicking like a middle schooler because I have the short temper of a ticking bomb and I’m on the verge of ruining my son’s happiness once again? Fucking peachy.”

Masaru couldn’t help but burst into an amused laughter.

“You’ll be fine, Mitsuki. Katsuki wouldn’t have accepted to bring him home if he really thought you could mess up, would have he?”

She scoffed, crossing her arms.

Mitsuki knew as well as she knew that she was the adult there and had to pull herself together instead of going crazy. But she just… cared so much. It was scary. She was tired of making mistakes.

Sixteen years and she still didn’t know how to be a good mother.

Pathetic.

Masaru flicked her forehead, before returning to the curry.

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“Overthinking. And berating yourself.”

“I wasn’t!”

“You were!”

“I wasn’t!”

A ring cut their banter.

The potato fell from Mitsuki’s hands.

“You go, I’ll finish here.” Masaru gave her a small push, and she slowly made her way to the door.

She turned the knob holding her breath.

Red eyes.

Spiky blond hair, sharp jaws, always present pout and smell of nitroglycerin.

“And here I thought I would die before seeing you again,” she couldn’t help but smirk. Ah, Katsuki was dressed well today.

“Shut up, old hag!” he growled back, averting his eyes.

“Dude!” the gasp reminded them they weren’t alone.

Mitsuki’s eyes immediately ran to the boy who was waiting a step behind Katsuki and narrowed as she scrutinized him.

There was something familiar in him… Red spiky hair, scarlet eyes, well-built physique, nervous smile and…the joined hands.

“Ah!” she exclaimed, startling him, “You’re the boy who saved my dumb son!”

He seemed to be surprised about being recognized, but quickly brushed it off as a “Bakugou’s smart thing.”

“Yes, ma’am! Well, not exactly, I just helped out saving him- I just- well-”

“Yes, he fucking saved me! Stop mumbling idiot!”

Both the boy and Mitsuki almost gaped at Bakugou’s admission of having been saved, but if the first just smiled and squeezed his hand, the woman had to restrain herself from cursing.

“A-anyway… I’m Kirishima Eijirou, Ka-Bakugou’s best friend. I’m glad to finally meet you!” The boy bowed respectfully, with an adorable smile.

Oh, Katsuki had found a nice boy?

“Boyfriend!” the blond growled, “He’s my stupid boyfriend!” he repeated making Kirishima blush, but his glare was trained on her. As to dare her to say anything.

Mitsuki carefully smiled to Kirishima. He had never seen her son warier and more protective at the same time, she didn’t want to let him misunderstand not even for a second. Not this time.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kirishima-kun. I don’t know how this brute won you over, but I’m glad you’re here. Come, Masaru had just finished preparing lunch. Do you like curry?”

She led the way as Kirishima chirped how he loved it, but she glanced at the way Bakugou seemed to relax a little and sighed in relief.

They entered in the kitchen as Masaru was washing his hands. He quickly dried them with the apron and smiled gently to Kirishima, who looked almost surprised at the man’s appearance; Mitsuki had to hide a smirk: she loved how people thought Bakugou had taken his horrible personality from his father and then remained shocked to discover it was quite the opposite.

“I’m Masaru, Bakugou’s father. It’s nice to meet you, Kirishima-kun.”

“The pleasure is mine!”

The boy bowed once again, but now his smile was even more relaxed. Poor thing, he must have been so anxious. Mitsuki could remember how nerve-wracking she’d felt when meeting Masaru’s family, and she was nowhere near as nice as Kirishima.

“Let’s seat! It’s still warm!”

“Thank you!”

Bakugou quickly sat by Kirishima’ side and his parents in front of them; Mitsuki caught sight of his hand giving a last squeeze before letting Kirishima go.

The lunch went on smoothly.

The usual banter between Bakugou and Mitsuki never escalated, Kirishima was more than happy to talk for everyone and keep the mood light, and Masaru was ready to fill the awkward silences or cut the occasional tensions.

“…and so, as soon as I suggested Momo would be better than him at tutoring me, Ka-Bakugou immediately offered. Well, more threatened me than anything.” Kirishima finished his story, making the couple laugh wholeheartedly as Bakugou muttered curses against the palm of the hand.

“You fucking asked for it, Shitty-hair!” Bakugou bit back, with a smirk.

Even though she could say there was not an ounce of malice in his tone, her heart almost stopped at the nickname. Memory from the past flashed in front of her eyes. Her shoulders tensed.

“Brat!” she almost growled, slamming the hand down, “What are you calling your boyfriend? Haven’t you learned how to respect other people? It’s already a miracle he’s bearing you and you call him like-”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Katsuki yelled back, explosions crackling from his palms; the red eyes were already burning with flames, “Shut your mouth, old hag! You don’t fucking know anything about me and Ei-”

“Katsuki!” Kirishima interrupted them even quicker than Masaru. He elbowed gently his boyfriend’ side, “She’s still your mother. Not cool.”

Bakugou snapped his head towards him, ready to chew him up too, but as soon as he met Kirishima’s stern and clear eyes he stilled. Under the couple’s flabbergasted stare, his rage slowly…dimmed. His features softened, the coldness melted.

“She-”

“Still not cool,” Kirishima rebutted with a grin, stretching a hand to catch Bakugou’s, “And I’m fine. Don’t worry!”

They held the gaze for few more heartbeats before Bakugou sagged into the chair.

“Whatever…” he grunted in the end, turning his head to the wall.

Whatever.

To anyone else that could have seemed nothing, if not annoying, but Mitsuki knew what it means: Katsuki was surrendering, he was willingly letting an argument go in favor of someone’s else. And he wasn’t even pissed about it, just as if Kirishima had been right about he said… Mitsuki had always counted every “whatever” said in that sighing tone as a personal victory.

She couldn’t believe someone else knew that too, but there he was that red-head boy, barely hiding a soft smile as he gazed at the blond.

Kirishima turned to Mitsuki.

“Ah, please don’t worry Bakugou-san. I can tell when Bakugou’s words have no bite, nor real mean intentions. It’s just his way of addressing people, me and the whole class are used to it. We don’t care, nor we are hurt. He has also improved a lot since our first year.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes but said nothing.

“Besides,” Kirishima’s tone was now teasing, and he winked at the woman, “He’s using those names because he’s too embarrassed to call me anything else. When we are alone he calls me Sun-”

“EIJIROU!” Bakugou slapped a hand over Kirishima’s mouth, horrified, “Don’t you dare, asshole!”

The other laughed amused, not even remotely scared of having an explosive hand pressed to the face.

“Sorry, sorry…” But he didn’t sound sorry at all.

Mitsuki started giggling without realizing, and it almost startled the boys.

Kirishima seemed content to hear her chuckle, while Bakugou simply stared at her with an unreadable expression.

“Kirishima-kun, you’re an incredible boy. I’m really happy to have you here.” Her heart hadn’t felt so light in days. Masaru squeezed her hand as she smiled earnestly at Kirishima.

He gaped.

“…you have the same smile,” he blurted, turning to Bakugou.

He frowned, annoyed.

“We don’t.”

“You do. But it’s okay, I find yours cuter.”

“Do you want to die, Shitty-hair?”

The rest of the lunch ended peacefully.

When Mitsuki stood to clear the table, Kirishima hurried up and stopped her.

“P-please let me do it! I already intruded you and with such a short notice!”

She flicked his forehead.

“It’s fine, my husband cooked, not me. I can-”

“I insist!” Kirishima repeated, biting his bottom lip. He seemed to be debating if it would have been ruder to let it go or insist more.

Katsuki decided for everyone.

“Let him do, old hag. He won’t stop feeling bad for it, otherwise.”

“Hey!”

“And you?” Mitsuki couldn’t help but ask.

Bakugou rolled his eyes, “I’ll avoid he destroys our kitchen,” he mumbled, before nudging the other boy, “Come on, I don’t want to spend the afternoon washing the dishes.”

“I’m not that bad!”

“Please don’t get me started, Hair-for-Brain!”

Without anything to do, Mitsuki walked to the living room almost in a daze. Masaru was seated on the couch, reading one of his favorite books, and she plopped down next to him.

He glanced at her, amused.

“What?”

“He…” Mitsuki said quietly, “…is different.”

Instead of prodding, Masaru realized his wife was lost in thinking and let her be with her mind until she was ready to elaborate. However, after ten minutes, she stood up again and silently walked to the door kitchen.

She had left it ajar and couldn’t stop herself from peeking it.

Mitsuki felt so… curious.

She didn’t exactly know that Katsuki. A protective, wary Katsuki who also wore a soft expression. A Katsuki whose lips were always pulled in a faint, almost invisible grin when nobody looked. A Katsuki who wasn’t watching only at himself anymore.

She wanted to see him more. It was fascinating. It filled her heart with… joy? And pride?

Inside, Kirishima and Bakugou were standing near the sink.

The red-head was vigorously washing the dishes that then passed to the blond, who dried and put them away; they seemed to be talking animatedly, or at least Kirishima was, Bakugou mostly nodded and listened, making small comments from time to time. But Mitsuki could tell he was attentively listening.

At some point, Kirishima must have said something funny or stupid, because Bakugou scoffed and tried to hide his laughter behind the hand, but it didn’t work well. His usual stern or scowling expression was nowhere to be seen as he clutched his stomach and let his voice booming freely, cheeks slightly red and eyes tingling with amusement.

Whatever he may have said, Kirishima seemed deeply embarrassed and his face was completely red. He tried to make Bakugou stop by smacking weakly his shoulder, but the other boy was laughing too much, so he decided to sport a cute pout.

When the blonde realized, a lazy, teasing grin replaced the laughter as he leaned against the counter. Kirishima made an attempt at averting his eyes, but it was clear how pulled by his boyfriend he felt. Bakugou grabbed his t-shirt and made him stumble closer, before placing his hand behind Kirishima’s neck and bringing him down for a heated kiss.

Ah, too much.

Mitsuki retread few steps, guilty as if she had just pried into a secret, private moment. Her back collided with something and she jumped, caught by surprise.

“They make a good couple,” Masaru murmured, gently wrapping an arm around her waist. She relaxed against his chest.

“Uhm,” she agreed with a small nod, “He’s changed.”

“For better?”

“For better. Don’t you see it?” she scrunched her nose, making him chuckle.

“I do see it, I just wanted to hear you say it.”

Mitsuki glance at him, confused.

“Do you know why he has changed?”

“…because he has met great kids and teachers who have been able to help him mature.”

“Exactly, so it has been a good idea, hasn’t it? Sending him to the dorms, no matter how much it hurt and made you feel like you were running away from your problems. You took the right choice. Nothing to regret or torture yourself with anymore.”

Oh.

Mitsuki blinked.

Oh.

“I… took the right choice.”

“Yes, I’m glad you did.”

“I-I’m glad too.”

Something in her heart was melting, she felt as if a weight was falling from her shoulders.

She had taken the right choice for her child, she had done something good. Even though she wasn’t the main reason for his changes, even if she hadn’t done anything more than saying “yes”, even if all she had managed had been recognizing she couldn’t do nothing for him and trust someone else, it was something. A small step.

“You can be proud of it,” Masaru said, reading her thoughts.

“Oh, shut it!” She wiped away the small tears who had escaped her control.

He chuckled and left a kiss on her forehead.

“We can be proud of him.”

“…’ve always been,” she muffled begrudgingly, much to his amusement.

“Yeah, but you had never let yourself say it aloud. Don’t you feel better?”

She just shrugged and turned to hug him as she hadn’t done in a long time. Those stupid teenagers in love were making feel her young and in love once again, how annoying.

Her romantic moment was interrupted by Katsuki’s outraged scream.

“ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!”

Instinctively, Mitsuki slammed the door open. Mom’s instinct.

“What happened?”

Bakugou didn’t even notice her, focused on examining the hand of his boyfriend between his, while the red-head seemed so embarrassed he could die.

“You can fucking harden! How the hell did you manage to cut yourself?”

“You were distracting me!”

“Than fucking put the knife down!”

“Katsuki!” Kirishima whined, but Bakugou smacked lightly his head, “I’m fine!”

“You’re bleeding!” he growled, before turning to Mitsuki, “Old hag, help him wash the cut while I go to search for the band-aids! Dad, are they still in the same place?”

The blond stomped out of the kitchen like a hurricane.

“Ah, no…” Masaru stuttered, “We moved them…” he added, tailing his son.

Mitsuki, still perplexed, reached Kirishima and stretched a hand.

“Can I?”

The boy groaned but let her look.

Mitsuki snorted, “It’s such a small cut.”

“I know!” Kirishima sighed, a palm over his eyes, “But he says I’m irresponsible because of my quirk and always gets stressed when I’m hurt. I’m sorry for the fuss.” He seemed genuinely troubled.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she waved it off. Mitsuki still couldn’t believe it was her son had just got so worried for someone else.

“I should have paid attention, but we were joking around…” he explained with a faint blush. And even though he seemed embarrassed, his eyes shined with fondness at the thought.

“…you really love him.”

“What?”

Ah. The words had slipped from Mitsuki’s mouth.

“I… said you really love him.”

Now, Kirishima’s face was the same color as his hair. But his gaze didn’t waver.

“Y-yes, ma’am. I-I really love Katsuki.”

“Why?” That was what worried Mitsuki, the real question.

Kirishima seemed taken aback and frowned.

“Why?”

“My son is… difficult. He has issues. And treats most people like dirt,” she explained, crossing her arms as to defend herself from those red eyes that seemed to bare her.

Mitsuki didn’t miss the flash of anger in his eyes, nor the way his jaw clenched, so similar to how protective Katsuki had seemed during the introductions, but he soon softened again.

“Katsuki is… complex, I know that. He’s foul-mouthed, has one of the biggest egos ever and doesn’t know how to interact with people other than competing,” he agreed with a bitter-sweet smile, “But there’s much more to him, isn’t it? The strength and passion that drive him, his pride as a man, all his vulnerable fear and insecurities that he tries to face alone, his will to become a hero…ah!” he chuckled, “That’s what made me fall in love. I’ve never met anyone who wanted to become a hero more than him, no matter how flawed he knows he is, no matter how hard it feels or what the world says. He’s willing to face all his demons if it means he can improve, and he’s ready to change. Katsuki is burning with passion, he just needs to find his way to convey it… properly. This hit me so hard. Only by being next to him I feel braver and stronger as if nothing could defeat us. Being worthy of his respect and love for me is… amazing. Even if I know he’s not perfect and even if I’ve seen all his ugly sides… I just love him. He makes me a better person.”

Mitsuki didn’t have words to reply, she stared silently at Kirishima, who grew more and more fidgety as the seconds dragged by.

“…glad.”

“What?” he stuttered, panicking.

“I’m glad you are the one he loves. And I’m glad you love him back. You see the best in him… thank you.” Mitsuki’s voice was so quiet as she spoke, looking at the ground.

Kirishima felt the urge to hug her but had already learned how to deal with a Bakugou and stopped himself.

“You don’t have to worry, ma’am. A lot people are beginning to see it too. Bakugou is not alone anymore, you know? We’ve made a lot of friends! I’ll bring them to you if you want to know them! But don’t worry, he’ll be fine!” Kirishima reassured her with a toothy-smiled

She had to force herself not to cry.

What a special boy her son had found. He had completely seen right through her, hadn’t he? Better than what she had ever admitted to herself.

“I’d love to, Kirishima-kun.”

Bakugou chose that moment to barge back in the kitchen, armed with a first-aid kit, Masaru behind him.

“I found it! Uh? What’s this?” he asked suspiciously as he moved the gaze between the two of them.

Mitsuki and Kirishima exchanged a glance, before chuckling.

“Gossiping,” the woman replied with a teasing smirk.

Bakugou narrowed his eyes.

“She had promised to show me your childhood photos!” Kirishima added with a bright smile.

“What? No fucking way!” Bakugou protested marching to him with the disinfectant already in hand.

“Please, Katsuki!” Kirishima begged with his best puppy-eyes.

“I’ll go searching for the albums!” Mitsuki left the kitchen with a laughter.

“I think I have some videos…” Masaru mumbled quietly.

“Dad don’t you dare!”

When the time to go came, Kirishima had nearly been adopted by Masaru and Mitsuki. Not that Bakugou would have ever doubted his boyfriend’ scary ability to befriend even inanimate objects, but it was still a relief.

And… his mother seemed happy. Genuinely happy. He hadn’t seen her like that in a long time, right?

“Thank you again for the hospitality!” Kirishima bowed for the umpteenth time before Mitsuki pulled him into a crushing hug.

“I’m the one who’s happy, Kirishima-kun! You’re really a wonderful boy, feel free to hang here whenever you want.”

“Alright, alright!” Bakugou was losing his patience and roughly dragged his boyfriend away from his mother’s arms, “You have said it already ten times! We’re going to UA, not the fucking north pole! Stop being so dramatic!”

Kirishima laughed, letting the blond manhandle him.

“Goodbye again! I look forward to the next lunch together!” He yelled cheerfully as the other pushed him out of the door.

“Fucking move, Shitty-Hair!”

Once he had finally sent him away, Bakugou turned to his parents.

“I’ll be going…” he said awkwardly.

“Stay safe, and call more often,” Masaru patted his head with a sigh. He really would have liked to stay with them a little longer.

Bakugou shrugged but didn’t protest.

He moved as to open the door and leave but stilled.

He turned to his mother instead.

“Thank you,” he murmured so quietly Mitsuki almost feared to have imagined it, “Eijirou really cared about this, but I too am happy you met him. I’m glad you like him.”

Katsuki was meeting her eyes, and there was no hidden disappointment. No anger. No fear.

He was there honestly revealing his thoughts to her.

Almost vulnerable.

For a heartbeat, it almost sent her mind in a frenzy. She wasn’t ready, she wasn’t used to it.

Her brain was already pushing out an automatic, snarky reply as always when she felt vulnerable or lost, but she bit her tongue.

Katsuki had improved. He had done his best to grow.

Mitsuki had to be worthy of all his efforts.

“You really don’t deserve someone as good as him, try not to scare him off.”

“Of course we like him. He’s the best boy you could have ever met,” Mitsuki replied with the same quiet honesty.

Katsuki showed a small smile, biting the inside of his cheek.

“I know,” he scoffed, “That’s why I chose him.”

“Maybe I could adopt him instead of you, brat.”

“I would have never expected less. Look at you, Katsuki, all proud of your boyfriend! I can’t wait to call him my son-in-law,” she teased, making him blush.

“MOM!” he burst.

She laughed hard, happy and so relieved at hearing him calling her mom.

“I hope to see you soon! Kick some ass and show the world your resolve, brat!” She threw an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug, ruffling his head.

“That’s what I always do, old hag! And we’ll come back, stop nagging and let go!” But he made no real attempt at shoving her away, letting her enjoy the moment.

When she finally stepped back, he simply nodded and walked out of the door. Kirishima was waiting on the walkway and started waving enthusiastically as soon as he saw them.

“Goodbye!” he yelled to them as the couple waved back.

Bakugou muttered something under his breath and grabbed him by the hand, quickly pulling him away. Soon, Masaru and Mitsuki remained alone, looking at the sunset.

“See? You didn’t mess up.”

She turned to him with burning eyes.

“I didn’t mess up!” Mitsuki cheered, and, seeing her shining, proud smile, Masaru remembered why he had fallen in love with her in the first place.

“You two are really similar,” Kirishima mused as he and Bakugou walked toward the dorms, hand in hand.

The blond scoffed yet didn’t deny it.

“Horrible personality. Messed up.”

Kirishima rolled his eyes. Those two were really similar.

“Complex. Fierce. Scared to love and yet so full of passion. You have your issues, but both of you are fighting, right? I really admire that. You make me want to give my best too!”

Bakugou halted and turned to stare at him, eyes wide open.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Sure!”

“…How can you say things like this without getting embarrassed?” he growled, blush creeping to his cheeks.

Kirishima chuckled sheepishly, scratching his nape.

“I just say what I see…”

Bakugou gazed his face, almost tempted to search for a lie even though he knew there wasn’t one, before sighing.

“’Guess you really see it.”

“One day you’ll see yourself like that too, I’m here for this.”

“Fucking annoying.”

“But you love me!”

Bakugou chuckled, but leaned closer, “Yeah, I fucking love you.”

And shut his boyfriend with a kiss before he could blurt more embarrassing truths

405 notes · View notes

kuro-gossips · 6 years ago

Text

Splashes of Colour

Chapter 3: Shades of Orange

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Newt blearily blinks his eyes and is immediately greeted by Theseus’ and Leta’s faces, anxiety and concern plain as day on them.

“Newt!” Leta’s expressive chestnut eyes soften as he comes to as she inquires about his health. “How are you feeling?”

“W-what happened?” The former Hufflepuff questions, confusion gracing his features. He doesn’t need the other two to explain because his memories come flooding back: he remembers Theseus and himself arguing about the upcoming war, he remembers feeling lightheaded and exhausted, and then he remembers succumbing to that exhaustion.

Theseus’ brow is furrowed, his voice is quivering slightly when he speaks, “You passed out and we brought you to the Ministry’s infirmary. Have you been eating regularly and sleeping enough? I know you’re prone to forgetting these kind of things, Newt…”

The freckled wizard replies, indignantly, because for once, he has been taking proper care of himself, “I have!”

Theseus just gives him a look that says that he doesn’t believe a word coming out of his brother’s mouth. The mediwitch chooses this moment to enter the room, returning with a diagnosis on Newt’s well-being. The three of them stare expectantly at her, to which the brunette can’t help but sigh. She glances at the clipboard she is toting and starts to read from it.

“It’s not exactly clear why Mr. Scamander fainted. The most likely explanation is acute fatigue from overworking yourself.” The witch discloses and the Head Auror sends a knowing and smug expression to Newt.

“Of course I was right about this.” Leta rolls her eyes in exasperation at the Scamander brothers’ antics. These two always have a complicated relationship, no matter how old they are.

“As of now, I would advise Mr. Scamander to get some rest and to abstain from strenuous activities.” With her job done, the mediwitch excuses herself from the room.

“You heard her, now you have to join us for dinner, okay?” Theseus declares, leaving no room for argument. Newt decides it’s time to graciously admit defeat and assents. After his discharge papers are filled and filed, the trio head back to Theseus and Leta’s place in London.

Newt inquires if he can help with anything, but the other two are adamant about him being not only a guest, but on medically-advised rest, so he arbitrarily thinks about what’s going on in his life, while he is seated on their couch. The dark-haired witch moves gracefully around the kitchen, wand in hand, and casting spells to prepare a meal for them. Theseus is busy setting the table and aiding where he can with dinner. Several minutes fly by and the meal is complete. Theseus sits himself at the head of the table, leaving Newt and Leta to awkwardly face each other; although, they try their best to avoid any semblance of eye contact. The blonde Auror attempts to make small talk, but it quickly goes nowhere. Leta grabs ahold of Theseus’ hand, soothing his uneasiness, and her fiancée offers her a sweet and loving look. Theseus never ceases to be amazed with the witch’s ability to understand his underlying feelings at any given time.

The younger Scamander brother can tell that the two of them are deeply in love and he knows that it is the soulmate bond that ties them together even closer, so he has to break the silence by asking, “What is it like to be soulmates?”

Soulful brown eyes turn towards him and after a beat, she retorts, “Why, Newt, you’ve never been one to fancy hearing anything about soulmates.”

“Ah, well,” She has him there, but Newt thinks quickly on his feet, “I came across a pair of Graphorns a couple of months back -- the last breeding pair, in fact -- but it is said that they are creatures that mate only once and for life. I just wanted to see if I could draw some parallels between humans and Graphorns for the second edition of my book.”

Naturally, Newt would raise a question that pertains to his love of magical beasts. Theseus muses. The two lovers exchange a brief glance, before venturing on.

“How to explain it…” Theseus ponders, “It’s like a missing puzzle piece has finally been found or--”

“-- or you never have to voice your insecurities because your soulmate simply knows already.” Leta finishes. The engaged pair nod in agreement and continue blabbering on such niceties about being in a reciprocated soulmate relationship that Newt actually feels sick. He wonders why he couldn’t have had a less difficult soulmate -- Gellert Grindelwald of all people!

A particular portion of the conversation catches his attention, “-- we’ve noticed the strangest phenomenon recently. It feels like we’ve grown stronger, in a magical sense. And when we’re physically too far apart for too long, we can feel it dampening.”

In an abrupt realization, Newt’s dilemma regarding his health makes sense. No one knows that the world’s most infamous Dark wizard is the magizoologist’s soulmate and so undoubtedly, no one has made the connection. His deteriorating strength and weakening magical abilities can be attributed from being geographically isolated from Grindelwald. Hence, after they’ve concluded dinner, Newt makes a hasty retreat back to his house, muttering excuses about how he needs to rest, but he needs to escape from the lovesick couple and the newfound answers he’s discovered. When he’s finally in the warm embraces of his bedroom, he curls up in a fetal position and weeps. He doesn’t want this.

***

The day has just turned to evening and the sky is overcast, clouds gathering as a storm brews. Newt stumbles through the crowded streets of non-magical London. He notices that Theseus is indeed right about the Ministry assigning a tail to him. He hates the idea that not only could they prohibit him from travelling, but also to add surveillance. His innate reaction is to cross the street, just in time for line of sight of the Ministry’s employee to be cut off from him as a car rolls by, and he ducks behind the corner of a building. He peeks out and whispers, “Ventus.”

An overwhelming gust of wind propels said man back, even as he tries to resist by opening his black umbrella, garnering weird looks from Muggles passing by. Newt smiles, not quite a smirk, and feels the tap of a finger on his shoulder. When he looks in the opposite direction, he catches sight of a black leather glove waving. Then, it gestures to the top of a building, where he can see a tiny figure brandishing the top of their hat at him. Newt shakes his head as he grips the glove and is transported to the rooftop. He steadily makes his way across narrow ledges to where a middle-aged man with greying auburn hair and a full beard is waiting: Albus Dumbledore. The curly redhead presents the glove back to the Hogwarts professor as he greets him with amusement in his voice, “Dumbledore. Were the less conspicuous rooftops full, then?”

Dumbledore doesn’t turn to look at his former student from the sight before him, but he fondly states, “Well, I do enjoy a view. Nebulus.”

Fog descends over the city in front of them and the two of them Disapparate to Trafalgar Square. They stride past the landmark lions as they converse.

“How was it?” Dumbledore inquires and at this Newt frowns, before he responds.

“They’re still convinced that you sent me to New York.” He’s referring to the three wizards he had the displeasure of meeting during all five of his appeal hearings.

“You told them I didn’t?” The other retorts, but the former student seems disgruntled with his reply.

“Yes, even though you did.” The author scrutinizes his professor’s face, looking for changes in facial expressions as he continues with his deductions, “You told me where to find that trafficked Thunderbird, Dumbledore. You knew that I would take him home and you knew that I’d have to take him through a Muggle port.”

The Hogwarts teacher digresses, “Well, I’ve always felt an affinity with the great magical birds. There’s a story that’s passed down in my family: a phoenix will come to any Dumbledore in desperate need. They say my great-great-grandfather had one, but that it took flight when he died, never to return.”

Newt looks at him with incredulity, “With all due respect, I don’t believe for a minute that’s why you told me about the Thunderbird.”

There is a noise behind them as a figure of a man appears through the fog, causing the two to Disapparate away again when they spot him. When they reappear, they have relocated to a bus station and board a parked, empty bus.

“Credence is in Paris, Newt. He’s trying to trace his real family. I take it you’ve heard the rumours regarding who he really is?” Dumbledore reveals, leaning forward from his seated position. Newton is very much aware of the first part, but the rest is news to him.

“No.”

“The purebloods believe he’s the last of an important French line, a baby whom everyone thought lost…”

“Not Leta’s brother?” The younger wizard interrupts, briefly, surprise written all over his features. He hasn't heard much about the Lestrange’s long lost son, except that he was taken out of Europe in fear of his life. Not to mention, he hasn't been in close contact with any of the Lestrange family in general.

“That’s what they’re whispering. Pureblood or not, I know this: an Obscurus grows in the absence of love as a dark twin, an only friend. If Credence has a real brother or sister out there who can take its place, he might yet be saved.” A beat passes, during middle-aged man's account. “Wherever Credence is in Paris, he’s either in danger or a danger to others. We may not know who he is yet, but he needs to be found. And I rather hoped you might be the one to find him.”

Dumbledore conjures a card with a glowing golden symbol on it and the Hufflepuff examines it with confusion, “What’s that?”

“It’s an address of a very old acquaintance of mine. A safe house in Paris, reinforced with enchantments.”

“A safe house? Why would I need a safe house in Paris?” The magizoologist sputters, raising an eyebrow in question, mouth slightly agape.

“One hopes you won’t, but should things at some point go terribly wrong, it’s good to have a place to go. You know, for a cup of tea.” The wizard’s blue eyes sparkle in amusement as he says this.

“No, no, no -- absolutely not.” Newt vehemently refuses. A Muggle enters the driving compartment, forcing them to depart and they Apparate on to a bridge and Dumbledore spells the bright lights that line the bridge to darken.

“I’m banned from international travel, Dumbledore. If I leave the country, they will put me in Azkaban and throw away the key.” Newt deplores, like he can’t believe that his former Professor is asking him to do such an insane task.

“Do you know why I admire you, Newt? More, perhaps, than any man I know?” Newt is caught off guard by the flattery, but the older wizard persists nonchalantly, “You don’t seek power or popularity. You simple ask, is the thing right in itself? If it is, then I must do it, no matter the cost.”

He watches through his fringe, green eyes cautious as he counters, “That’s all very well, Dumbledore, but, forgive me for asking, why can’t you go?”

“I cannot move against Grindelwald. It has to be you.” The Hogwarts professor pauses, taking in Newt’s face. The younger’s face contorts into despondency because Dumbledore is requesting that he partakes in the fight with the rising Dark Lord. The other doesn’t realize that Grindelwald and Newt happen to be soulmates. Even if Newt hates the circumstances that are wrought upon them, he isn’t completely sure he can fight his soulmate while he feels so utterly powerless at the moment. “Well, I don’t blame you, in your shoes, I’d probably refuse too. It’s late. Good evening, Newt.”

Dumbledore disappears with a snap of magic.

“Oh, c’mon!” Newt exclaims, throwing his arms up in defeat. The older’s empty glove returns with the the business card in hand and tucks it into his breast pocket. The auburn haired man is irked to say the least and manages to grumble, “Dumbledore…”

***

The freckled man returns to his humble abode in London. After the ordeal with the escaped baby Nifflers and addressing the Kelpie’s wound, Bunty and Newt hear a crash from above the basement.

“What was that?” His assistant’s voice shakes with fear as they gaze upwards, the faint echoes of footsteps wandering around upstairs.

A pensive look on his face, the magizoologist answers, “I don’t know, but I want you to go home now, Bunty.”

“Shall I call the Ministry?”

“No, I want you to go home now. Please.” Newt sneaks up the stairs, careful not to make any undue sounds until he is able to see who has decided to drop in on his house uninvited. He’s not sure what to expect when he pushes the door leading to his living quarters open.

Jacob Kowalski and Queenie Goldstein are standing in the middle of his living room, suitcases scattered on the floor next to them. His blonde friend has an air of nervousness mixed with excitement, whereas Jacob seems to be inebriated and is currently bumbling about with the broken pieces of a vase that originally decorated a table close by.

The younger Goldstein sister is fluttering around her beloved, trying to retrieve the damaged parts so she could fix them with magic, “If you could just give it me… Just give it to me, sweetie. Just hand it over. Oh!”

The couple notice Newt’s presence as they spot his head peeking around the corner. Jacob blurts out with undisguised elation, dropping the remnants of the vase without a care, “HEY, NEWT! Get over here, you maniac!”

He flings his arms around a delighted, but surprised Newt. Queenie gives him a grin, looking sheepish at their sudden appearance.

“We hope you don’t mind, Newt? We let ourselves in; it’s raining cats and dogs out there! London’s cold.”

The redhead barely shrugs before he faces the stocky man and says, “But you were supposed to be Obliviated!”

“I know!” The Muggle says, but his features show no sign of shock or disbelief.

“So-- but--” Newt fumbles for the right words to say in a situation like this.

Jacob is quick to break the awkward conversation with his account, “It didn’t work, pal. I mean, you said it, the potion only erases bad memories. I didn’t have any. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had some weird ones. But this angel… this angel over here, she filled me in on all the bad parts, and here we are, I guess?”

“This is wonderful!” He looks around for Tina, but doesn’t find her. “Where’s Tina?”

“Oh, it’s just us, honey. Me and Jacob.” Queenie tells him.

“I see.”

The room descends into silence before the blonde witch’s sweet voice tears through it, “Why don’t I make us some dinner, huh?”

“Yes!” Jacob shouts, loud and unruly, almost causing Newt to flinch back at the volume. The younger Goldstein observes the dark circles underneath Newt’s normally brilliant green eyes and his slightly sunken in cheeks; his face is more angular than she remembers when she last saw him in New York and it seems like his clothes don’t fit quite as well. The blonde witch notes this in the back of her mind to bring up later.

Once the woman finishes preparing a meal for three, she abruptly states, “Tina and I aren’t talking.”

“Why?” Newt glances up from his meal, making momentary eye contact with her, before looking to the right.

“Oh well, you know, she found out about Jacob and I seeing each other and she didn’t like it, ‘cause of the ‘law.’” Queenie imitates her sister’s voice, mockingly, “Not allowed to date No-Majs, not allowed to marry them. Blah, blah, blah. Well, she was all in a tizzy anyway, ‘cause of you.”

“Me? Why would she be in a tizzy over me?”

“Yeah, you, Newt. It was all over Spellbound. Here: I brought a copy for you.” She summons the magazine titled ‘Spellbound: Celebrity Secrets and Spell Tips of the Stars!’ and Newt’s face is plastered on the cover. The headline reads: ‘BEAST TAMER, NEWT, TO WED!’ The magazine flips open to a picture of Theseus, Leta, Newt, and Bunty standing side by side at his book launch. In the photo, Leta is standing close to him, a hand resting on his shoulder with a soft smile spread over her full lips. Queenie points at the magazine and reads, “‘Newt Scamander with fiancée, Leta Lestrange; brother, Theseus; and unknown woman.’”

“No, no, they got it wrong. Theseus is the one marrying Leta, not me.” He denies, still observing his non-magical friend’s odd actions.

“Oh! Oh dear… Well, see, Teenie read that and she started dating someone else. He’s an Auror. His name’s Achilles Tolliver.” Newt fails to see how Tina’s dating life is pertinent to him, but he doesn’t interrupt his female friend. Jacob and Queenie trade a look before laughing at the man’s last name. A pregnant silence ensues, but then Newt wants to talk about Jacob’s tumultuous behaviour: eating sloppily, humming to himself, and then attempting to drink from the salt shaker. Queenie quickly proceeds to cover for him, snatching it, and replacing it with a glass.

“Anyway… How have you been doing, Newt? I hope New York isn’t still haunting you. You don’t look so well, honey.” She confesses, forehead wrinkled in concern.

“I’ve been well, everything’s good.” Newt brushes off her concerns with a dismissive wave of his hand, but the blonde Legilimens is unconvinced, even if she chooses not to press. She attempts to delve into his thoughts, but they are in such a disarray that she gets a headache from trying to sort through them. Instead, she is only able to feel the most prominent emotions -- despair and confusion. Her immaculate brows pull up further, but a look from Newt tells her not to go further with her line of questioning. Queenie respects his judgment.

“Okay, well… We’re real excited to be here, Newt. This is a-- well, it’s a special trip for us. You see, Jacob and I, we’re getting married!” She showcases her engagement ring and Jacob tries to toast with this cup, but ends up pouring the beer all over his head.

“I’m marrying Jacob!” The man bellows and there is no doubt in his mind now that Queenie has managed to bewitch his friend and he levels her with a fierce glare. He knows she is capable of reading his mind and he uses this to his advantage, You’ve enchanted him, haven’t you?

“What? I have not.” She replies as she hears the first coherent thought pass through his consciousness.

“Will you stop reading my mind?” Newt says aloud, but he is still speaking to her mentally.

Queenie, you’ve brought him here against his will.

“Oh, that is an outrageous accusation. Look at him. He’s just happy. He’s so happy!” Queenie is affronted by the implications of his thoughts. He returns her statement with a disbelieving look.

Newt draws his wand out from his pocket and points it at the dark-haired male, “Then you won’t mind if I--”

Queenie jumps in front of Jacob, trying to shield him from his line of sight. “Please don’t!”

“Queenie, you’ve got nothing to fear if he wants to get married. We can just lift the enchantment and he can tell us himself.”

Several painful moments elapse and at last, she moves aside, her gaze downturned in a sense of shame.

“What you got there? Whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do with that, Mr. Scamander?” Jacob teases, a grin stretching his face wide.

“Surgito.”

Jacob reacts as though a bucket of cold water has just been poured over his head, shaking, and a cloud of pink smoke forms into the shape of a heart above his head, still wet from the beer. He comes to his senses and glances around, confused.

“Congratulations on your engagement, Jacob.” Newt announces and Jacob’s wide brown eyes stare at him.

“Wait, what?”

Newt looks at Queenie and Jacob turns to see his beloved standing adjacent to him.

“Oh no.” He realizes he has been taken against his will. Slowly, he gets to his feet and she reads his mind. With a sob, she runs to close her case, but her lipstick and a fragment of torn postcard fall out. She then proceeds to flee the apartment. “Queenie!”

Jacob glances back and forth between the departing witch and his close friend, debating on who to address first, “Uh, it’s very nice to see you. Where the hell am I right now?”

“Oh, um, London.”

“Oh, I’ve always wanted to go here!” His voice carries infinite amounts of frustration, before he stomps out, chasing after Queenie with another cry of her name.

***

Queenie dashes out of Newt’s house and down the street, tears streaking her cheeks. Jacob runs after her, his face red and livid, and it colours his tone as he asks, “Queen, honey. I’m just curious, when were you going to wake me up? After we’d had five kids?”

The blonde whips around and nearly growls uncharacteristically, “Why is it wrong to want to marry you?”

“Okay--” Jacob attempts to butt in, but the woman barrels forward.

“To wanna have a family? I just want what everyone else has, that’s all.” Her eyes are shimmering with more tears, such a beautiful blue, despite the dim lighting of the street. They stare despondently at one another.

“Okay, wait. We talked about this, like, a million times. If we get married and they find out, they’re gonna throw you in jail, sweetheart. I can’t live with that. They don’t like people like me getting married to people like you. I ain’t a wizard. I’m just me.”

“They’re real progressive here in England and they’ll let us get married proper.” She is shaking as she explains how the culture and laws in Britain are not as backwards as they are in America. The man approaches her and wipes a solitary tear from her cheek.

“Sweetheart, you don’t need to enchant me. I’m already enchanted! I love you so much.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but I can’t have you risking everything like this, you know? You’re not giving us a choice, sweetheart.” Jacob counters, almost pleading her to understand how tough this is for him as well.

“You’re not givin’ me a choice. One of us had to be brave and you-- you were being a coward!”

“I was being a coward? If I’m a coward, you’re a--” The Muggle cuts himself off, but it’s already too late because Queenie has read his mind.

“-- Crazy!”

“... I didn’t say it.”

“You didn’t have to…”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, sweetheart.”

“Yeah…” Queenie is forlorn as she responds, “You did.”

“No!” He tries, but she has shifted away from his reach and is almost running away from him. He can hear the pain in her voice as she says her next words.

“I’m gonna go see my sister.”

“Fine, see your sister.” The mustached man is exhausted from proving his case and he gives in.

“Fine.” There is a sense of finality in her tone and Jacob instantly regrets everything he’s said as Queenie vanishes from the streets of London.

“No, wait! No, Queenie! I didn’t mean it… I didn’t say nothing…” But he is alone on the street.

***

Newt is conflicted, miserable at causing such a ruckus, but he catches sight of a torn up postcard. He crosses the room to pick it up and then mutters, “Papyrus Reparo.”

The ripped pieces come together and mend; it shows a beautiful landscape somewhere in Paris. The neat handwriting on the back says:

My dear Queenie, What a beautiful city. I’m thinking of you, Tina X

He can only imagine that the reason Tina is in Paris in the first place is because she is looking for Credence. Just like so many other people are and he can’t help but be concerned for the boy’s well-being. As soon as Jacob arrives back at his residence, the two pack up and head to Paris as well.

***

Only moments ago, Grindelwald has procured his new hideout in Paris, after killing the occupants of the house. Following the months of his imprisonment, he hasn’t felt quite up to par to his usual self, but it’s nothing that affects or worries him all that much. The pale platinum-haired man has spent much time fascinated with the seemingly weak magizoologist -- the one responsible for his capture -- but after the events in New York, he knows that appearances can be all too deceiving. An uncontrolled vision hits him as he is contemplating how to go about approaching Credence at the circus.

He Sees Newt sitting uncomfortably at a table, fumbling through a meal, with another man who resembles him in some ways and a dark-skinned female, pretty and elegant, but wholly not his definition of beautiful. He is sure this witch is known as Leta Lestrange. Grindelwald only catches the tail-end of their conversation, but he can tell that they are discussing soulmates.

“-- we’ve noticed the strangest phenomenon recently. It feels like we’ve grown stronger, in a magical sense. And when we’re physically too far apart for too long, we can feel it dampening.” Leta explains, gesturing wildly, and it is easy to put the situation Newt and himself in perspective after hearing this. There is a white flash of light, subtle and delicate, and then, his vision changes to Newt conjuring up his Patronus to send a message to someone. The thing that captivates the Dark Lord’s focus is the fact that the animal that is invoked is not some common, non-magical beast, but rather an extraordinary Kelpie. The curly haired wizard speaks in soft words, mentioning someone called ‘Bunty,’ before the Kelpie lends him a nod and bounds off to deliver the message.

Grindelwald returns to reality, slightly befuddled from the experience as he usually is. A Patronus that appears in the form of magical creature is so exceedingly rare that he thinks, How interesting this soulmate of his is.

#grindelnewt #gellert grindelwald #newt scamander #fanfiction #fantastic beasts #fantastic beasts and where to find them #fanfic #theseus scamander #leta lestrange #queenie goldstein #jacob kowalski #soulmate!au #soulmate!au where you see black and white until meeting them #let the angst continue #grindelnewt fanfiction #crimes of grindelwald #splashes of colour

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