#and his mental health problems being worse made it harder for him to function let alone be charlies dad

[jinxed-sinner]

Look I know Lucifer isn't the best dad ever but I feel like people who say he's a bad dad are purposely ignoring the context of the show. It is very much implied that he thought Charlie wanted nothing to do with him, and Charlie thought he wanted nothing to do with her. Lucifer’s still dealing with trauma from Heaven and his fall and probably will for the rest of time plus he's dealing with what would probably qualify as clinical depression, and simultaneously dealing with trauma, clinical depression, and autistic traits (which Lucifer absolutely has; I do not say, as an autistic person, that Lucifer is a massive autistic mood for no reason) is a fucking NIGHTMARE.

I'm not saying Lucifer shouldn't take responsibility. He should. But he's already doing better than my dad frankly. Lucifer hits me in the daddy issues, I wish my dad made an effort to be more active in my life. Lucifer is fucking trying, and that's better than a lot of people can say about their dads.

[supercorp-hosie]

My thoughts for Legacies 315:

1) for the Star Wars, I have no knowledge about it, I saw some parallels of characters after the episode, it seems accurate, but I still have no idea why Hope’s characters in it didn’t even have a backstory or name lmao. I’m just overall unfazed;

2) the background of the trio and Alaric! There are like so much to address and I don’t know how to fully share my thoughts in-depth organisedly. I’ll try;

3) facts first: so it’s canon that Lizzie’s mental problem is diagnosed at earliest 11, but specific time unknown;

4) Jed activated his curse earliest at 11, since Lizzie had a crush on him for two weeks. I mean who would’ve thought that, common headcannons seem to incline on Josie x Jed tho😂. That just doesn’t randomly cross my mind🤣. Anyway, it doesn’t deny that Jed and Josie could be a thing too, since the twins often have the tendency to crush on the same person? I’m feeling like 60% of the time? I mean they obviously have the same preferences for LI, bad girl or bad boy type, anyone? Rafael, Sebastian, Jed, Jade, Penelope, Hope, Finch. They kind of have this thing with new people to their lives, for Josie, Rafael, Finch, Jade(it’s arguable but I think people tend to have a whole new lens when reconnecting with a disappeared person in your life for years when you’re very young. The perspectives are not the same, like you’re meeting a new person especially you don’t really know them before);

5) especially Lizzie, she definitely has a thing for new people that seems like bad boy/girl. I emphasised on the new people here bc I don’t think ethan is exactly that type, it’s just how Lizzie imagine him to be in that AU. Raf, Sebastian, Ethan....(maybe Jed was new when she crushed on him too, who knows), more specifically, it’s Strangers to Lovers trope for her romance department, so she can imagine as much as she wants and have the wildest dreams (bgm intended). Maybe Josie’s it’s not as much like this considering we don’t know how Posie happened, and with Hope her crush is canon when she was 12, but we don’t know how long exactly the crush was and when did it started, I just have to count that not being new person into her life. But I do get that why Josie said Lizzie always get the boy/girl Josie crushed on too, mostly they have the same type and preferences. Though they can randomly blurt out characters that we all don’t even know as more solid examples.;

6) Alaric and the fact of him being quite an absent father since the twins were 11 is solid canon. I understand the need to care for Hope because the world can’t afford a tribrid went uncared for and went around killing people, but still, the different perspectives of Hope and Lizzie to Alaric are very sad. To think that your father would betray you for another child, is very sad, even for Lizzie, the more dramatic one. So I understand that Caroline wasn’t there for the twins either, another absent parent. About the mother figure being diminished here, I’ll address it in another point. What’s left for Lizzie? Josie.

7) So basically Josie had to handle herself and Lizzie’s all by her own? That’s very hard! My BFF is bipolar, we are not living together, but before, my whole situation [for being in love with her + her situation] had really been hard for me too. I couldn’t imagine what’s it’s really like for Josie. (Another point that I need to address is the real mental problem that Lizzie has) Sure Alaric might not always be absent, but the intensity of Lizzie’s perspective begs to differ. Josie had to understand what is Bipolar at a very young age; had to be there for Lizzie when she had her outburst; had to be the one constantly check on Lizzie whether she had taken her meds; had to digest the emotion impacts from Lizzie after the outburst; had to understand how Lizzie functioned when she was down. None of that are easy, and there’s no one there to ask of what Josie really feels. How Josie pent out? What does she need? Josie might feel the need to be not wanting things and always be good so that she can get the love from Alaric (I remember in season 1, Josie felt the need to lose the game to get on Alaric good side) . So she just started to suppress her voice and her needs, because Lizzie need them the most. Over time or years of suppressing in front of her dearest family, she most likely felt unneeded by her parents, and forgettable to her parents(the girl that’s so quiet that her parents forget about her, the girl that Penelope won’t fight for anymore). She needed to feel needed, so she just let Lizzie take all of her, from whom she felt needed the most. So all of these from Josie’s perspectives, it started a vicious cycle for the twins. And leads to how the twins dynamics and how Josie are in present days. But her problem was never solved, they just accumulated day by day, year by year, leaving the good and dark side from Josie being so separated and unbalanced. The inner turmoil is always there. These lead to the extreme polarity of Josie’s good and bad side. When she’s doing bad, Josie would be especially aggressive than she needed to be because that’s an instinct to compensate the lack of action before. After long suppression, once being released, the instinct would be stronger than usual and harder to get it under control. Under the influence of dark magic, Dark Josie felt like another personality inside Josie here to take over the whole Josie and protect their interests that true Josie are neglecting. Kind of like dissociative identity disorder but not really it?? It’s just an understanding that I’ve been wanting to express, but so hard to organise it, because it’s so complex. By this understanding, I do still think that Josie should still be held accountable for her actions, even when dark magic was influencing her, like even people with mental health illness should be instituted and lost their freedom. I just think that it’s not fair to think she’s straight up very evil and do nothing good for people. It’s not like she’s being dark for no reason at all. This just mean that the dog that doesn’t bark can be more harmful than people think. These doesn’t mean that when Josie goes dark, she doesn’t deserve any leniency at all while holding her accountable. (And it’s not like she’s not beating herself up for most of the things she had done) Oh and sure, Josie should do the healthy way of voicing out these needs and all, to encourage a healthy dynamics between them like she’s the only healthy one between them, but still the problem is, they both lack the environment and guidance to make a healthy working relationship between themselves. How could they know what is healthy when the environment was already lack thereof.

8) Reading Lizzie’s diaries is bad, I understand, because you literally need to understand what leads to what, to gain control when your life is a chaos, but still. It’s even worse when you have that need to confide in another person to get things out wrongly. (I was having a phone call during the diary sharing review, but this is what I vaguely get) a) Josie is confiding the contents very specifically to another person that Hope can somehow reconstruct a sequel to it? b) Josie chose the wrong place to confide it since when she gets emotional, people can probably hear what was shared. At least from what I guess I got, it isn’t stated that she spread it to the whole school nor it was spread to the whole, even if that’s the case, it may not be on purpose, and she chose the wrong person to confide in. Like about the reveal in 112, she made up that Hope talking bad about Lizzie to the whole school, but it doesn’t mean that she spread it nor the whole school actually knows. Another case is, even if the school knows, it could easily be known by any passerby to Lizzie outburst and spread in the school. From what we saw from 101, the kitchen is a public space, the utensils and cutleries breaking should be very alarming, and there are students with intensified senses in the school. By that fact itself, it doesn’t really help Lizzie in being discreet of her illness. Still, sharing your sister’s diaries after reading it is really bad. But I do get that, sometimes you really need to talk to someone that know some of the situation but don’t really know the person in question to recalibrate yourself. But that person have to be like the dead end of all school gossip but not close to Lizzie, so it can do no harm (because he/she/they literally have no use to talk to someone with all these, usually there’s this no name policy, but with Lizzie being her sister, it’s useless hiding, maybe) when you disclose something related to her pertaining your own issues. Josie should apologise for sharing Lizzie diaries, even if Hope was not meant to know that, despite her werewolf hearing. For the reading part, did we get the apology tho? I guess we had? If negative, apologies needed.;

9) From Lizzie perspective, we can see her does Josie wrong but didn’t apologise either. Like Lizzie being princess but Josie being her android, personalised valet? It just showed that during that period of time(specifically from when until when tho, that’s a question), after what Josie had been enduring, taking care of her, Lizzie thought of herself being princess but didn’t actually think Josie as her equal? Like how the Android was programmed to bow to Lizzie? That’s just the habit of the twins dynamic showing, also partly Josie mistake, but Josie does deserves to be perceived as more than that, even when she’s derogatory to herself, Lizzie should uphold that for her. Their dynamics is just sad because it’s not entirely the twins fault, it’s also due to the absent parents in the household, they didn’t know better, they can only depend on each other. They’re orphaned like Hope in a way when their parents are still present. Even though they have privileges as Alaric’s daughters, but that doesn’t help with their real situation. This is just a perfect example of how your family shaped you, but we can still fight to shape ourselves after the power that our parents have over us gradually diminished, like how they’re starting to shape themselves more now as they’re coming to age.

10) What really warms me from the Android situation, despite Josie feeling like she’s being degraded the whole time, a subject to Lizzie, is that from how Josie is the combination of two Androids, also shows that how Lizzie actually looked up to Josie. Maybe it’s not addressed, but I see that. For Lizzie, Josie can really do so much things for her, take care of her so closely that Lizzie can count Josie as her personal valet. Derogatory, yes, but that place is also very important to prince and princess, bc they can literally do nothing to take care of their daily lives themselves well, like Merlin for Arthur (I mean the actions, not the presumably romantic relationship). Without Merlin, Arthur life is a mess! And the knowledge for Android part, it means that in Lizzie’s mind, Josie actually is like the person who knows everything😂 usually that figure should be our parents😭, but for Lizzie, it’s Josie, like she knows the answer to all. It’s sad and warming at the same time. Just more appreciation will do! And the fact that the special sword that they’re finding the whole time was in Josie’s thigh, just show how the trust that Lizzie had in Josie, not even their parents can triumph it, because Josie was the one being there the whole time. So they really deserves each other despite all the shitty things they have done to each other.

11) about Lizzie mental illness, I was recommended a post informing people about how Legacies fucked up Lizzie’s illness. After my own research, I do agree with the OP, I think that Lizzie situation is more like borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar, but that doesn’t make the whole situation easy. I can provide the table I made the next time regarding that.

12) Hope being Lizzie’s villain is really fitting, lmao, the intensity of Alaric care for Hope is so much that even Lizzie thought that Alaric would betray the twins for Hope.

13) I like Hope’s look. Josie being the Android that malfunction sometimes is funny too, especially when Josie is angry the whole time, cuz it’s infuriating too🤣🤣

14) Hope and Josie during Lethan kiss is me. How they’re totally in the same team when Lizzie being like that? Hosie are both wary of their characters and backstory? Hosie rights. Hhhhhh, oh Hope might be jealous of Ethan😂 Hizzie rights.

15) Another Hizzie rights, Hope wrote a sequel to Lizzie fanfic. And..... is Hope officially a nerd too???? I can’t! Hhhhh but maybe not, or else Hope would have known who she was.

16) Lizzie says, maybe deep down I still feel that you’re the chosen one (IN HER OWN STORY)

17) Younger Hope kind of break my heart more. It’s so sad😭😭 how she’s in denial of their parents death, and blame it on herself.....no baby. How Hope just have to tell herself all that again. And about Hope being scavenger, I think it’s fitting too. Her life, like the twins, is in pieces too. She had to pick them up herself, and build a world where her heart and hope can rest safely, and that just make her not mad at Josie burning down her room gayer. She was so closed up to herself that her room is like another world for her. So forgiving Josie just because of her crush, is like Josie and her crush on Hope meant the world to her???? Hosie rights! Anyway, Josie still messed up with that.

18) Having Younger Hope saying those things to Josie, oh my heart! Josie is a protector for Hope! Hosie rights! And Hope knowing the truth to stop Lord Marshall! Malivore, and Josie just stop talking because she doesn’t want to encourage Hope to die😍😍 Younger Hope actually wants to be best friends with the twins!!!!

19) Hope literally just stop growing taller after 12/13 like I did, is fact! And I’m comforted by that, sorry not sorry, lmao!

20) For real I don’t understand why Hope is suddenly full tribrid at the end. When she fights with Malivore.

21) The gun fight and sword fight is so weird! It’s like the gunners don’t know how to shoot at all, like they’re in slow motion, difficultly level easy to the audience, it’s so fake. I’m for Hope being badass, but it seems like the show doesn’t know how to portray a good fight scene. The sword fight is like in slow motion. And if Hope is to combine magic with sword fighting, she should combine them more. I don’t feel she’s badass at all, cuz it’s literally level easy😑

22) Star Wars AU have brought up so many childhood unresolved for the trio to understand each other more and be a better team. I love them ended up being all supportive and the panda promise🤣🤣 I love that the twins just agree not to let Hope die like that. But they’re like promise that a little later than Cleo and Landon? My team Sowanby! Applause to Handon, but please don’t be together again! Strike three, no is no!

23) for MG, Jed, Kaleb, they really need to make up with each other, I’m glad that they finally made it. And Kaleb being jealous of Methan? Lmao! And MG didn’t even say Ethan name? I love Maleb bonding, and MG never left his man behind!! Another things is, what’s wrong with those boys fighting scenes? We saw them throwing valuables to distract the monster again?! What if the keys are damaged? How are you going to go home? Oh and Jed being useful!

24) Jed last name is Tien, 田/填 in Chinese, I’ve shared enough in my other post. But still WE DONT ACTUALLY HAVE JED FIRST NAME! Give us that!

25) Still, I don’t understand how the wendigo is not dead yet. And how come it’s defeated by fire this time??

26) I don’t quite actually know what’s happening with Dorian. Is he okay? I bet he is, so Emma is coming back, right? Based off what the conversation is? We need Emma, really.

27) regarding Emma, is the lack of mother figure that I want to address when stating the twins dynamic. I don’t actually know a lot from TVD or TO, I just happen to know some general things and snippets from edits. But I know Hayley’s words before she dies, like “I’m not going to teach my daughter it’s okay to let people she loves die” and paint art, have at least one epic love? But for real, in legacies, all I get for Hayley is 103, Josie paying her respects, but none other than that. It’s all Klaus. I believe that Hayley is an important figure to Hope too. But she’s not mentioned enough, it’s kind of erasing her impact on Hope?? Like Caroline too, we get her phone calls, the twins trip to Europe to treat their problems off-screen, the letter for Lizzie in 302, the recommendation for Lizzie to go to the witch retreat, but not vetted by Alaric.....yes she get all these and Jo Laughlin being there in 106 (I cried so hard). But still the mother figure is still being minimised. Like in Lizzie’s fanfic there’s never a place for Caroline? How surreal? It doesn’t make sense. (I understand the actress is just not returning). But still these doesn’t change the fact that the show is lacking a mother figure as a whole. Emma should be that.

28) Clarke!!! Like it’s predictable! But what’s unpredictable is that he went straight to shower🤣🤣🤣 I love his snarkiness! Clarke meeting Hope half naked! Holarke! Hhhhhh

I’m too tired, sharing this episodes thoughts is exhausting me. There must be something I left out, please feel free to remind me!

[the-falcon-of-the-fall]

Different Transformation Phrases and Effects on User theory (also what might happen to Natalie)

So I was rewatching the NY special, and noticed that Hawkmoth tells Techno-Pirate that he needs to say “Wings of Prey” to transform when he gave him the Eagle Miraculous. However, when Ladybug got it back and threw it to Jess to use, Liiri said “Wings of Liberty”.

At first, my friends and I thought I was mishearing, then when I could verify I didn’t, we thought it was a translation error. Nope, turns out it was intentional:

If that’s the case, we can clearly tell the differences when someone uses the Miraculous for good and for evil. For example, Miraculizer has fully functional wings, whereas Jess doesn’t. Miraculizer has the ability to use his power more than once than the presumed usual of doing it to one person at the time while Jess most likely can do that once before having five minutes to detransform (but it can just be the akuma, like Queen Wasp).

From there, we can infer that using the Miraculous for evil is a quick way to use more of its power. Hawkmoth doesn’t need to detransform quickly possibly because of that and terrorize Paris long enough to get what he wants. He’s possibly bragging about that to the heroes in the season 2 finale. However, using the Miraculouses improperly have been shown and stated to have very adverse effects on the users. Marinette merely wearing multiple of them made it harder for her to walk (for a moment but still) and Fu warned her she may go insane from it in Kwamibuster. 

Perhaps Gabriel is also suffering from those effects by using the Butterfly Miraculous for evil and quickly to use more of its power, not physically, but mentally and cognitively. In season 1, he was scary and generally competent, but in season 2, he had made grave errors through choosing Markoth and the baby as his akumas, though he had problems with having to fight with his own son for his Miraculous. In season 3, he has made more questionable decisions and in the alternate universe, was totally okay with trying to akumatize Adrien to get his Miraculous and Ladybug’s. The longer he tries to get his wife back, he starts losing his rational thinking and his love for his son. Perhaps at first, he was aware of the consequences but was desperate, but after a while, it isn’t just desperation plaguing his mind. It’s not doing some sort of preparation or training to get more power that costs him his sanity.

To further support this theory in the contrary way, Bunnyx was seen to be able to stay transformed longer and use her power multiple times, but is arguably the highest pinnacle of mental strength in this show, with being willing to stay in a coffin for 5000 years just to get her Miraculous fixed and face decaying from existence to make sure that all timelines are in order. Perhaps the Miraculous may have had an effect on her mind to numb her to this sort of pain and horror, but it doesn’t rule out that she could’ve done some sort of preparation or training to use its full power by following the good side, and the others can do that also. She’s also pretty nice and pleasant overall with excellent quick thinking, further supporting that.

The de/transformation phrases of “Dark Wings Rise/Fall” and “Wings of Prey” are aggressive and obviously evil, but where does this put Natalie? She’s able to stay transformed for longer than five minutes, her transformation phrase “Spread my feathers” isn’t aggressive and obviously evil and is pretty neutral, and she’s obviously abusing it.

So here are two possible reasons why Natalie is able to do this, especially with the possibility that even fixing the Peacock Miraculous won’t mean she’s going to stay mentally well, on top of the seemingly permanent damage of the Peacock Miraculous:

1. Natalie can stay transformed for longer because her body absorbed quite a bit of the Peacock Miraculous’s power (her body already gets its wounds after all) and sustain the transformation longer, at the cost of her physical health, though maybe not mental because Emile was seen as normal in personality (but we can’t be sure since we get that from her son and husband). Perhaps she’s also aware that using it for evil will be bad in the long-term and even worse when damaged, so she uses the “good” phrase to make it less risky.

Or

2. Natalie is quite possibly, a legitimately experienced Miraculous holder in her own right and she’s technically not abusing it at all (other than using it when it’s obviously too dangerous for her). As much as Duusu thinking Natalie is using it for good reasons is unreliable, the Peacock Miraculous may be designed to assist heroes not only in battle, but self-defense for the defenseless. Using fear, sadness, and anger as emotions to create sentimonsters can be seen as perfectly fine, because the person really wants to get out of a sticky situation, or is mad and sad the enemy hurt someone dear to them and let the have power over their situation, while still under control by the Miraculous holder. To further support this, according to the short “Natalie as seen by Gabriel”, she was the reason why they founded the Miraculouses, so she could’ve been a Miraculous holder way longer than Emile but it got damaged while Emile was using it. The season 2 finale doesn’t rule out it’s her first time using it either. This experience to stay transformed longer kind of helps her when she’s using it when broken, and possibly why she can make complex sentimonsters like Ladybug when it might be a struggle to a beginner.

Both theories would certainly match up with the hints that she might make Hawkmoth “look like a baby” if it ever happens, because she’s the one who has the most power and better mental state compared to him. 

In any case, I certainly hope this gets more explored in the future, but my hopes are not high since this may be a dub exclusive thing with the regular ol’ “transformez-moi” thing in French and that’s the most canon script. I credit my friend and my sister for helping me to flesh out this theory.

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 9 ~The Perfect Illusion~

Claire splashed water on her face, the refreshing coolness tempering her heated cheeks. Rotating her head and shoulders after a quick dry off, her joints popped and cracked. She looked at her reflection on the mirror and puffed out her cheeks. There were dark circles under her eyes, contrasting the paleness of her skin, and her curls stood out in places despite the hair tie and pins. She looked ghastly and was bone-tired and longed for a shower and bed. It was her first bathroom break in over eight hours, and she hadn't eaten a morsel nor drank anything. Squeezing her eyes shut, she took deep fortifying breaths and wondered how much more she could take.

Ever since returning back to work over a week ago, she had been alienated and cut-off by her colleagues at the hospital. No one, not even her once so-called friends, wanted to speak to her unless it was work-related. Once admired and applauded for her brilliance as a doctor, she was now shunned and spurned. They whispered and gossiped behind her back and sneered when they thought she wasn't looking. And the reporters who'd taken a keen interest in her, only made her predicament worse, almost getting herself arrested the other day on charges of assaulting a journalist. It happened while she was hurrying to an emergency and because of the photographer's sheer persistence to take a close-up photo, she'd shoved him out of the way, knocking him over. The charges were eventually dropped, but it didn't diminish her distress over the situation.

She'd known settling back to her old life wouldn't be easy, but reality hit her harder than she'd anticipated. She wondered how much Frank had divulged to the staff, as it was quite apparent that they had taken his side and taken matters into their own hands. Her stuff and charts started to get misplaced, her work schedules consisted of nights and double shifts, and senior staffs reprimanded and blamed her for the most inconsequential things. But she swore, no matter how bad the situation got, she would not break, even though she found it humiliating to have her life picked apart and scrutinised.

During the last few days, she'd tried to get hold of Frank to arrange a day to collect her things from his apartment, but it was becoming more obvious he was avoiding her. She knew he was playing his brokenhearted card after uncle Lamb informed her that Frank had taken a restraining order against him. When she'd asked her uncle what he'd done and said to him, he'd refused to share, citing that it was a conversation between two men and unfit for a young woman's ears. That alone was already quite telling and knowing her uncle, she knew it hadn't been pretty.

She sighed. Emotionally and physically drained, she slipped out of the toilet and went to the staff room. To her relief, it was empty. Taking a paper cup of water, she sat in the farthest area of the room and drank thirstily, trying her best to hold it together. Just another couple more hours and she was free to have her day and a half off.

"Claire?"

She stiffened. Though she'd wanted to speak to Frank for days, she didn't know if she had the strength right now. Who would have imagined being loathed by her work colleagues, would take so much out of her. She forced herself to meet his gaze. "Frank."

"Are you alright?" His normally neat dark brown hair was tousled, and he looked like he hadn't been getting much sleep either. 

"What do you think?" A sad smile formed her lips.

Sighing, he took a seat opposite her. "I know you're having a difficult time at the moment, but it will soon blow over. I was thinking ...maybe it would be a good idea if we took a holiday together. You know ...to reconnect and get some much-needed rest and get away from all this mess."

She stifled a groan of frustration.  What the hell? Why couldn't he get it?  "Frank, please. We've been through this already. A holiday cannot fix us. In fact, nothing can fix us anymore. Let's not do this again ...please. I'm tired, and all I want is peace of mind."

"No, Claire. You don't seem to understand. We belong to each other. You are confused because there are people in your life who are trying to separate us. And they are trying to make it out as if I'm the problem."

"Frank ..."

He reached out to take her hands in his, but she snatched them back. "Listen to me. They're trying to hinder your true potential when you could be much more. The only thing I'm guilty of is pushing you too hard to be a better version of yourself. It was a mistake, I know that now and I want to make it up to you. Please let me."

"Frank, this is unhealthy. I care about you, but I don't love you the way I used to, and you can't make me. Let's just learn from this mistake and move on. It is for the best."

His lips tightened, and determination carved out on his face. "Can't you see? Your friends are messing with your brain and feeding you all sorts of nonsense. And your uncle ... I believe he is not well. He should seek professional help. He is a violent man and could be a danger to society. And as for you, you need help too. It seems you are having difficulty functioning with the stress you are under. Let me help you, Claire, for the sake of your career and your mental health."

Dread snaked up her spine. "There is nothing wrong with my uncle. Whatever he said to you, he was just trying to protect me. This has nothing to do with him, my friends, my career or my mental health. Leave them out of it. This is between us, Frank," she grated.

He shrugged. "I've discussed you intensively with certain key people. I'm worried that after all that happened recently, it's affecting your ability to make the right decision under pressure here at work. Lives could be at stake if we don't address this. I've told them that your mental state had to do with the stress from wedding planning. I assured them I'd personally make sure your condition is assessed to see if you're fit to work."

"What are you trying to say, Frank?" Her body started to tremble with fury. 

He stood up, thrust his hands in his pants' pocket and spoke with controlled calm. "What I'm trying to tell you is, you are mine, and we are meant to be together. And I'd do anything in my power to get you back. The sooner you accept that, the better it is for your career. Oh, and by the way, I've changed the locks to my apartment. There is no need for you to collect your things. Eventually, you'll be moving right back in. And get rid of that James Fraser. He's not good for your image. Once you've made your decision, let me know. I trust you'll make the right one."

"You lying bastard! You can't do this! I'll report you to the authorities!" she seethed.

"Try me. I have friends in high places." He turned around to go but stopped midway. "And darling, please go home and get some rest. Those dark circles under your eyes aren't doing you any favour." And then he left.

Too shocked, Claire remained unmoving trying to grasp what just happened. The man she had once loved had turned into someone she hardly recognised. A part of her refused to think he was capable of blackmail and threats, but she had her uncle to think about. It was true what Frank had just said. He had friends at the high places, and it was his words against hers. 

She shoved her fear aside. There was no need to blow it out of proportion just yet when she was far too exhausted to think straight. It could only be that Frank was still miffed about the whole situation of their break up and he was saying things out of anger. She would play it out for a few more days, see how the next week pans out and then she will make her decision.

The pocket of her jacket buzzed, and absentmindedly, she grabbed her phone. Swiping the screen, she smiled when she saw a text notification from Jamie. She hadn't seen him since she started work as most of her free time was spent catching up on sleep. Although he'd called almost every day to check up on her, she missed his reassuring presence and their easy banter. She read the message and all thoughts of Frank and her tiredness slipped away.

Just remembered you're free tonight and tomorrow. Is it alright if I stop by? Got some news to share. x

A warm glow spread across her belly, and her heart did a gentle pitter-patter.  Ah, why not?  She didn't want to spend her first day off since coming back to work worrying about Frank. 

She quickly texted back. 

Come on over. I can't wait to see you. x

And she meant it.

..........

Jamie knocked and waited. He'd driven twice past Claire's cottage, and he'd recognised the paparazzi van parked just across her street. It was the same one that used to park near his apartment building.  Bastards!  Instead of parking on her driveway, he decided to park several streets away. On his way to her house, he jogged through a maze of residences and gardens, avoided the roads, climbed a brick wall, and now he was stood at her back door. 

He knocked again. 

Sensing movement in the kitchen, he leaned forward and whispered out loud. "Sassenach! It's me!" 

He heard Claire muttering as she unlatched the bolts. "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! You frightened the hell out of me! I thought you're a reporter."

The door swung open, and he lifted the carrier bag high. "Surprise! I have pizza and red wine. I hope ye haven't ..." His speech left him as his gaze landed on her figure.  Christ!

When it came to women and seduction, he was used to clingy, slinky dresses, stilettos, musky perfume and red painted lips. The woman before him was displaying none, but yet, the way she looked, made the blood roar in his ears and his cock strain achingly against his jeans. He gulped and tried to even his breathing. 

Her skin was damp, and her hair was loosely tied back, dark tendrils of wild curls framing her flushed face. She wore a white cotton shirt nightgown that fell above her knees, and her feet were bare. Although she was modestly covered, he could see the faint outline of her breast and the swell of her hips. The clean smell of shower gel drifted to his nostril, making him want to lift her up against him and bury his face on the crook of her neck.

"Jamie?" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Are you alright?"

"Uh, hey!"

"Hey? What kind of greeting is that?"

He shook himself. And with a lot of effort, kept his gaze on her face. "Have ye eaten?"

"Oh, sweet mother of God, get in here," she mumbled, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him indoors. Electricity shot through his veins and his mouth dried up at her touch. "Haven't you notice there's a reporter's van outside?"

"Oh, that, aye. I-I saw ...," Jamie replied hoarsely, almost croaking.

She shut the door and eyed him suspiciously. "What's the matter with you?"

"What's the matter with me?"

"Do I hear an echo?"

"Ye dae?"

"Jamie!"

Fuck!  "I'm sorry. I'm out of breath. I parked the car far away from here and had to jog." 

She didn't believe him. When she crossed her arms across her chest, he couldn't help seeing the shadows of her nipples underneath the innocent white cotton. A moan almost escaped his mouth, and he was glad he had the carrier bag in front of him to conceal the strain in front of his jeans. "You're never out of breath, Jamie. What's up?" 

"What's up?"

"Jamie! You're doing it again! You're repeating what I'm saying."

Christ, what's wrong with me?  He was acting like a horny teenager, and if Claire found out, he was a hundred per cent sure she would throw him out.  Definitely, not happening!

"Here," he barked, thrusting the bag of pizza and red wine at her. "It'll save ye preparing dinner." He immediately regretted snapping at her, but to his relief, she simply rolled her eyes and took the bag from him. 

"You're really acting odd, but I won't argue with you. Only because I'm hungry and I haven't eaten all day," she chattered, placing the bag on the counter and pulling out the bottle of wine.  

While her back was turned, he took the opportunity to dive in behind the kitchen table. "So, has Frank spoken to you yet?" he asked nonchalantly, the mention of her ex-fiance slightly softening his erection.

He saw her shoulder brace, and she stopped what she was doing. "Actually, he did, today. But I don't want to talk about him."

He didn't like the subdued tone of her voice. "He didn't threaten ye, did he?" he asked softly. 

"Well, Frank said a lot of things out of anger and hurt. I don't think he meant any of it." She turned around and handed him the wine and the corkscrew. "He's still hoping we'd get back together, but I guess it's difficult for him to accept that we aren't. I'm quite sure in time, he would."

Mental alarm bells went off. "Frank's very persistent, isn't he? Just be very careful, Sassenach. I do not mean to frighten ye, but I think he is up to something dodgy."

She frowned. "Dodgy? What do you mean?" 

"I was handed a restraining order from the sheriff court on behalf of Frank this morning, and I have nae idea why. I've only met the man once, exchanged a few words and that was at your uncle's apartment."

"Wot?" She looked at him in disbelief. "My uncle received one as well! I can understand why he got one ...but you? And how is that even possible Frank could have restraining orders handed out like they were lollies? Isn't there a process in court for that?" 

Jamie shrugged. "I guess he knows the right people."

She blew out a breath. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I don't know why you're getting involved in this whole mess. This isn't even your problem, and I feel you're being dragged into it because of me."

Something was definitely off, but he didn't want her fretting. "Look ...dinna fash. I'll have our family lawyer look into it. Nae use worrying about something we don't know about. Maybe he had the restraining order sent as a way of intimidating ye. Just, make sure ye don't find yersel' alone with him. The good thing about the paparazzi outside, at least there'll always be someone watching over ye and the house."

She contemplated his words and sighed in resignation. "I supposed so. Intimidation seems to be his forte, but I'd never known him to be ruthless." She placed the pizza, plates and cutleries on the table and sat down opposite him. "Ah, what the hell, it's my day off tomorrow. So let's not ruin it talking about Frank. Tell me about your news."

"Right, about that," he began, helping himself to a pizza, glad of the change in subject. "My agent informed me that the network is considering me for the TV presenting job. There are other candidates, of course, but apparently, I've been mentioned on the big table more than once. I didn't even think my name would even cross their lips because of my reputation."

"Jamie, that's fabulous," she breathed. "I've watched you so many times on TV talk about rugby, and I thought back then you'd do a great job presenting sports. Your voice sounds great, and you've always looked comfortable on camera. And when you speak, the words just flow out of you. Of course, they'd consider you. That's no surprise there." 

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Jamie couldn't hide his amused smile. It felt great to be talking about the sport he loved. Although it had been perceived as a touchy subject by most people he knew, Claire didn't walk on eggshells around him. "You really like rugby, don't ye?"

"I've always watched the rugby. Sometimes with my uncle and sometimes with Joe and Geillis," she explained, offhandedly, taking a sip of the wine. "And I've seen the game live a few times when I was assisting Joe and his medical crew for your team. I've even tended to you once."

His felt the heat creep up his face. "Aye, Joe recently told me. Nae wonder ye looked familiar when I saw ye in Lallybroch. I was such an arse to ye, wasn't I?"

"Bygones," she laughed, waving a hand in dismissal of the topic. "Anyway, I think you'll get the job. I've seen the other candidates' names on an article online, and I don't think anyone can surpass you. Your evident passion for the game is what's going to get you through."

"Aye?" Seeing her enthusiasm caused an uncomfortable tug on his chest, but he cleared his throat through it. He didn't know how much time they had together if he got the job, and that's a big "if." With her work schedule and a possible place on TV, he'd probably never see her again. "Let's not get carried away, Sassenach. There's still my reputation to consider, and that could be my downfall. My agent suggested I need a change of image befitting a family network."

"Oh! Change of image? How are you going to do that?"

He leaned back on his chair and exhaled deeply. "Christ knows! Maybe I should get a cottage in the countryside, plant loads of flowers and perhaps get two dogs."

They laughed at each other for a few seconds before Claire stilled on her chair and pink bloomed on her cheeks. "Oh, wait! I have a brilliant idea. One that doesn't require you to buy a property in the countryside. And I think it might just work," she whispered.

He looked at her warily. "Sassenach ...why am I getting a feeling I'm not going to like what ye're about to say?"

"Hear me out first. You've never been in a committed relationship, right?"

"Bloody hell! I told yer uncle Lamb that in confidence," he fumed, dragging a hand behind his neck.

"Oh, shush, will you? Listen! If you want to get rid of your player image, you need to look like you're not afraid of commitment. And there's a way to do that."

"Sassenach ..." His heart pummeled hard against his ribs.

"You could pretend to be my boyfriend," she blurted out.

"Have ye gone mad?"

"Maybe." Her cheeks turned from pink to dark crimson. "It'll only be until the network are convinced that you are not a commitment-phobe. And who knows, the journalists may even write an article about you in a good light. That should help your image."

"No!" 

"We wouldn't be actually ...you know, doing it." 

"Ha! Ye'd be the first person to date me without the perks! Sorry, no! Not happening!"

"No? Why not?"

"Because!" he snapped. "Yer stock will go in the opposite direction. Ye're a doctor for crying out loud, and if ye're connected to me in any way, ye'll never be taken seriously. Ye'll just be another notch on James Fraser's bedpost."

The light in her eyes dimmed. "Goodness, Jamie, you really do have quite a low opinion about yourself, don't you?" she whispered. "Answer me this. Are you only worried about people thinking I've made a wrong decision ... or do you actually believe it?" 

"It doesn't matter what I believe in," he muttered.

"Of course, it matters, damn it!" she argued. "You've been encouraging me to stand up to Frank. Now I want you to stand up to all the false rumours that were written about you. How do you expect me to listen to you ever again if you're not practising what you preach?"

"They'll drag your name through the mud and then leave ye hanging out to dry. I can take the beating, Sassenach but I cannot bear to see ye go through all that."

"They've done that already, Jamie," she said with a sadness that clenched his guts. "I've been labelled a whore, and a cheating fiancee. And Frank had already made sure to make my life at work a living hell. I have nothing else to lose, but I could help you get this job. At least, all the name callings and accusations will not be in vain."

Seeing the determination in her frame, Jamie knew he was fighting a losing battle, but he had another defence up his sleeve. "Pretending to be in a relationship to fool the press will not be easy."

"We'll work on it," she said firmly, her chin jutting out in defiance.

Christ, she's stubborn!  Although the idea was becoming more tempting by the minute, he needed to give her a chance to back out. He cleared his throat and leaned forward. "The camera will always be pointed at us, and we need to look convincing as a new couple. There'll be a lot of PDA when we're in public; otherwise, they'll smell foul play." 

"What's PDA?"

"Public display of affection. Like kissing and holding hands." His voice sounded mangled. The thought of kissing and holding her made his cock spring back to life.  Ah, fuck!

"We've done the kissing and holding hands already, so that won't be new to us. Besides, they think we're a couple already."

"It willnae be pretend-kissing," he rasped. "Those paparazzi have state of the art cameras and can zoom in from long distances. They'll know if we're faking it and they willnae hesitate to label it as such."

She didn't look perturbed at all. "Have I ever fake kissed you?" He nearly groaned out loud.  Down, lad, down!  He shifted uncomfortably on his seat and bit his lip hard to cut through his hard-on.

Ignoring her question, he soldiered on. "To be convincing, we can't tell anyone that we're in a fake relationship ...not even friends or family. We can't risk anyone slipping up. The less who knows, the better."

"I can live with that."

"We'd be playing a dangerous game ..."

"Frank likes to play games. Maybe this will sharpen my skills."

"Sassenach ..."

"What?"

"Are ye sure ye want to do this?"

Her face softened as she smiled, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "Yes, I'm quite sure. You helped me get away from Frank, so now let me help you get the job. That's what friends do for each other, right?"

Suddenly, hope started to emerge.  This could really work.  Didn't his agent say his only drawback was his reputation? If they manage to convince the network he was settling down, he could get the job he wanted. He would be presenting and talking about the sport he loved. In time, people would only see the sports personality that he was and not some philanderer the tabloids painted him to be. Maybe, somewhere along the line, he could also help budding talents break through the world of rugby or coach younger teams. 

He let that soak in for a while, but there was a niggling feeling that wouldn't quite settle.  How about Claire? What if I did get the job?  It would probably mean relocating to London. He tried to imagine not seeing her again, and he didn't like the idea one bit. Asking her to move away from Edinburgh would be crazy. She wasn't his, and he wasn't even sure if they would work together.

He should be happy that Claire was willing to help him. But how come it felt like an anvil had just fallen between them?

That's what friends do for each other, right?   She'd said.

Claire frowned. "What's the matter?"

He looked at her beautiful face. There was still time before the network announced who would get the job. Pushing his dark thoughts away, he decided right there and then, he would make sure every moment with Claire counts. "Nothing ... I was just thinking, maybe we ought to start practising on those PDA moves," he grinned, winking at her.

She threw a napkin at him and laughed. "Cheeky bastard!"

[acasualwii-mote]

My Experience w/ Depression

Hi, my name is Lauren (This isn’t my real name, it’s just something to call me by.)

This account has been made with the intent to get my feelings out into the world. It was recommended by my therapist, so if you are not comfortable reading about serious topics revolving around depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal thoughts, or things of the like, please click off.

Any personal identities/information will be censored in an attempt to shield any negative attention away from the person, or just to keep my privacy in-tact.

Anyway, let’s start this off.

For a while now, I have been living with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed a month ago, but I’ve been feeling very strange for the past year or so, to say the least. I’ve had a few boyfriends, I’ve made a few friends, and I’ve had projects that I’ve been passionate about. And yet, it still feels underwhelming.

I’m home-schooled at the moment, so I don’t necessarily have real life friends. I was taken out of school about three years ago because of bullying issues, so I have been to public school before, but I’m not in it currently. With this, I usually stay on my computer for the majority of my day.

Every day feels like it isn’t worth anything. The names on my screen that I’ll talk to occasionally feel like nothing to me anymore. They are real people, and they care about me, but I just can’t process that fully. It’s very hard to have them remind you that they care so much about you, but you just can’t really understand it.

It makes you feel strangely unloved, but it makes you feel guilty about your apathy. I used to not be that way, when I found someone that I really cared about.

Let’s call them Tana.

Tana is a sweet person, very sensitive and quiet, but they’re very reliable and dependable. I had feelings for this person, and eventually we got to dating. The first few months were fine, very fun and uplifting, but that soon changed.

I learned that Tana had problems of their own. They were scared about telling their loved ones that they were depressed at first, so I stepped in to help them. At the time, I wasn’t that badly damaged. I had undergone some rough stuff with a previous friend group, but that was behind me. I felt strong and I felt like I would be able to support Tana with every bit of strength that I had.

Let me remind you, Tana and I met over the internet. We grew very close very fast, but that also meant that the distance played a very important role in how we functioned. For me, this meant I would worry about where they were, whether they were at school doing something, or hurting themselves in their bathroom. There wasn’t ever a way for me to tell unless they told me. And after a while, I would lash out about it, over simple paranoia. This started turning to relationship downhill.

Tana started to lose it, they would talk to me about how they had suicidal thoughts and had gruesome nightmares involving myself dying in front of them, among other things. Almost every day I would hear something about how Tana had some sort of depressive episode or anxiety attack. It’s hard to stay strong for someone that far gone, but at the time, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

We met up for the first time in August, which was a blast. Tana was just as beautiful as they looked over the internet in real life. They were kind, made sweet jokes, and we even shared our first kiss. I could only stay in their town for just a weekend, so it was very tough to tell them goodbye.

About a month later, we had an argument. Not just a small scuffle, but it was a huge argument. We talked about the future of our relationship, how the distance would affect us, how Tana’s mental health was making everything harder for them, and how I was slowly being taken down with them. We decided that we would stay together, and we both shared the hope that Tana would get better, and we would have more frequent meet-ups.

Later that night, Tana texted me that they thought they were dying. Apparently they’d tried to overdose on a sort of pain medication (Which by the way, probably won’t ever kill you if you took an entire bottle). So I obviously freaked out, called Tana’s mother, and all that. The next day Tana went to the hospital, and everything went quiet.

As a worrisome person, this lead me to believe that Tana had died. I wasn’t aware that Tana was just in a mental hospital, since that’s the protocol for people that have attempted suicide, but nonetheless, I was freaked out. That week was pure hell for me, and that’s where I think I started to derail just a bit. My dreams consisted of Tana’s funeral, and all of their friends trying to comfort me, and I’d approach Tana’s casket and feel nothing but pure despair.

Tana came back, which was a huge relief to me. However, from this point forward, my side of the story became much worse.

We had scheduled a meet-up in October, which we both were looking forward to. But I couldn’t stop thinking that something was wrong. Every time I saw that Tana had been offline for more than thirty minutes, I thought that they had killed themselves. I’d have panic attacks over the smallest things, like one of Tana’s friends telling me that Tana was a bit late to class, or that they hadn’t seen Tana in the past hour. Every second of every day was to make sure that Tana hadn’t hurt themselves or simply committed suicide.

This caused me to grow irritable and bitter, and treat Tana terribly. I’d be constantly asking them how they were feeling, or if they had done something to themselves or thought about hurting themself. It was terrible, and I wish I had treated Tana differently. I regret that deeply.

The October meetup passed, and while it was a great time while I was in their town, the aftermath was catastrophic. I started having deeply realistic nightmares of Tana hanging themself in front of me, or bleeding out at my feet. I couldn’t sleep, and I would start trying to avoid sleep as much as I could, sometimes staying awake for days at a time.

Toward the tail end of October, I seriously attempted to commit suicide three times. The first time I called the NSPL (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). The other two times, I was stopped by my dad because Tana had notified him of what they thought I was going to do.

After these attempts, Tana had gotten enough of me, and they went for a break. They said that they needed time to themself, and that they’d be back in two weeks. Tana came back 8 days early, and broke up with me.

To put things short, I am feeling dreadful now. It’s very conflicting because Tana wants to be broken up but I do not want that. I really don’t want that. I care about them and they won’t accept my help anymore.

I’m not one that takes breakups well anyway, but this is a lot harder than any other breakup I’ve experienced in my life. I want to be able to support them, but in hindsight, I thought the same exact thing when we first started our relationship. I know I can’t support them now, just like I couldn’t support them back then.

In my experience, depression is when you have the false hope of succeeding, and when you inevitably fail, it hurts twice as much. It makes you overzealous and overly confident in your abilities, but in reality, you snap just like a twig when you’re put under pressure. Whoever’s fault it may be, you place the blame on yourself, and convince yourself that you need to be better for whatever cause. And every time you strive for greatness, you bat yourself down, time and time again, over and over. You have goals, but you are too weak or self-destructive to achieve them. That is what hurts the most.

Something I’d like to do is recommend a song every time I post something. No matter what type of post it’ll be, I’ll recommend a song. So, today, the song is Keep by Mother Mother. It’s a beautifully written song about hardships and self-improvement, however hard it may be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdcm9w6Pjtg

Also, thank you for reading my post. I really appreciate it. Goodnight, all!

[fishoutofwaterlikeabird]

When The Popular Kids Don’t Talk To You (Anymore)

Coming back from adventures far away after significant time has passed feels a lot like school and trying to fit in with the popular kids.

Popular kids can be kind of mean but so can the non-popular kids.

Sometimes we have to do some kind of journey to make ourselves better (or at least try to get better). We as humans often go on journeys to find ourselves or inner peace or just to find some adventure or see something new or discover something spiritual related. Sometimes that’s down the road to the supermarket or the local watering hole or some kind of park, other times that can take us into different cities, towns, villages, timezones or even countries and continents. 

But it can also take us back home to where we belonged all along and maybe never should have left.

We do things every day and sometimes they are popular and sometimes they surely aren’t. Life is popular we all live it, but how we live it matters more than what is popular.

My idea of doing a life that matters sure isn’t popular. I don’t care about money or status. I don’t care about being popular or famous. I don’t care about what the world wants or tells me i should do, act or be. I don’t care about new flash things or having heaps of cool things. I don’t care about new fashions or if what i wear or do fits in with the crowd. I also don’t care to fit inside a box to please someone or be who or what i am not. I can’t be anyone else, i wasn’t designed (or created) to be. I was designed/created to be me and all I can do is be me to the best of my ability as is the same for you in being yourself to the best of your ability. There is only one of each of us. We can’t be what we are not and we shouldn’t try (or care) to be either. And to be honest its hard (physically exhausting) to be me and i am barely able to do it, i cant imagine trying to be someone else or someone i am not or someone else wanting to be me.

When i think of a life that matters i think of very few things. Things like having people around me that i care about and that care about me and not just on the surface but down to the roots.

I think of having people in my life that make me feel worth it and special, people that make me feel like i can do anything to be the best me that i can be. People that also make me feel like continuing on and going forward and taking big steps in life. I think of having people around that build me up and encourage me and people that i can build up and encourage as well. I think of living in a place or a community that makes me feel like i can thrive and be myself doing things that make me feel like i matter and what i am doing matters.

I also think of these lyrics by Musician NF: “If you want love, you going to have to go through the pain, If you want love, you going to have to learn how to change, If you want trust, you going to have to give some away, If you want love, if you want love”

Being famous or popular isn’t all its cracked up to be anyway. Just ask them. Or if you cant do that, simply look at the many of famous humans that we watch and have made popular who have died from their own choices.

Im a bit of a sports person. One of the sports I like to watch (and play) is basketball.

The big name more talented guys (the more popular ones) often get paid large amounts. One thing that has been going around fairly recently in sports is mental health issues. One of the big named players DeMar DeRozan (plays on a team out of the state of Texas called the San Antonio Spurs) opened up about his struggles with mental health. He said people say to him, “What are you depressed about? You can buy anything you want.” His simple response was, “I wish everyone in the world was rich so they could realize that money isn’t everything.”

Truth is we all struggle with different things. Popular or not. You never know when you meet someone what is going on for them in their life or inside of themselves. We all have bad days and feel good and good days and feel bad or visa versa. Things we grow up in and around shape us. Things that happen to us shape us as well. But having good human people around you and doing things that make you happy and make you feel like you matter can change and reshape you.

One of the only things I fear is doing popular things and hurting those I care about (that and applying for a job..yikes) or forgetting the things that truly matter (like the people that I care about). I don’t care about much (or many pointless things) as you’ve read already but what i do care about i hold deeply (especially in regards to human people and those that have made an impact on my life, helped me succeed and grow and have cared for me especially when I was low and didn’t feel like myself). Things (possessions) break and become outdated, get stolen or lost, but people (even though the may break, grow, get lost, change or move away) are aways valuable (and never become outdated). I trust and care with very little limits or boundaries. And popular or not, hurt or not i would stand up against even the Hulk to defend someone I care about and fight for them no matter what.

I hated hanging out/around the popular kids. I never fit in but I also never felt like I fit in with the non popular kids either. I was picked on by popular and the not popular and rejected by both as well. When I was growing up and living in California I used to help at at a youth group and as well dabble in doing games (as a game director) 

and lifeguarding (saver of lives at the pool and river) at a summer camp.

My favorite kids to hang out with were the ones that felt just like I felt, the outsiders (the lost and confused ones). Groups (or clicks) of people always form in functions where there are large handfuls of amounts of human people around. People question why would you not want to come to such things where you can swim all day and play games in the sun for a week straight? Well, feeling like an outsider can make anyone feel uncomfortable and awkward at even the best of events. I know all to well what that’s like. Sure I’ve been blessed to travel around to different places around the world, but mostly I’ve done it alone and with questions of fitting in. Which is really never that fun. I also don’t know many days or places where I have felt like I belong. I often feel like an outcast or outsider (or maybe even not from this planet), even amongst people I think are my friends and where I feel like I thrive as an extrovert around large groups of people.

I once had a friend that would often say, “the struggle is real.” She was a pretty decent adult and had great people around her but life wasn’t easy. I don’t think anyone has it easy and i think more often than not most have it harder than the next. We each have things (popular or not) that we are going though. I tried to find something to fill that struggle and it only made the struggle harder/worse. Flying on Jet Planes, jumping off of platforms to splash in water, traveling the countryside and swimming everyday was great, but it doesn’t fix everything or anything for that matter. The problem with struggling with yourself in your own skin and the pain and hurts that come with that is no matter where you go you take them with you. You can run but you can never get away from yourself. Momentary happiness only lasts for a moment and no moment lasts forever.

Finding long lasting happiness is hard, I think it is the same as trying to find gold at the end of a rainbow…nearly impossible (especially depending on your definition of gold). Being popular is probably also hard. But I think being anything is hard. Life is better when we do it surrounded by people that make things better (especially when there is laughter and smiles involved). Theres a quote that says, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” and a variation of that same quote that says, “be nice to everyone you meet for you never know the battle they are facing inside.”

I don’t hate popular kids and i don’t hate non popular kids either (to be fair i don’t really know what the difference is). But neither of them could talk to me and I wouldn’t die over it. I don’t hate change or when things change and people move away and or on. I hate missing out i guess is more so how i feel recently. I hate that i couldn’t fix or find a fix to what was going on inside me (and still haven’t). I hate that those who helped me felt like they couldn’t do enough when they did more than they will ever know or understand. I hate that coming back feels like the first time i showed up.

Adventures can be great but not when they cost you things that (you had that) were greater.

Don’t be popular, be unpopular. Help out someone who is struggling (hug them).

Share your lunch with the nerdy kid (bring a smile to their face). 

Give a ride to the weird kid cause they missed the bus or were forgotten (show them they aren’t forgotten).

Life is too short to let things come between those that matter and those we find special even if things have changed. Not everything popular is worth worrying (or caring) about. Sometimes it is actually more popular to care about and do what’s unpopular anyway.

[forever-rogue]

Blend In - Part III

Summary: Y/N had always been an expert at blending in. That was until Bucky found out her secrets and encourages her to deal with all her demons.

A/N: Here is part 3, you guys!! Thanks for all your support, it means the world to me! I think there will be a few more parts to this as well. As always, let me know if you would like to be added (or removed) from the taglist! And as a side note, if you guys are ever dealing with anything or struggling for whatever, I’m always here to talk <3

Word Count: 2.6K

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of self harm, eating disorders, mental health

PART I | PART II | PART IV | PART V

Y/N ran out of the Avengers tower and then continued to run until her lungs were ready to give out and dizziness slowly started to overwhelm her. She was in the middle of Central Park when she stopped and slammed her body down on a nearby bench. She hadn’t felt this worn out from a run in a long time; then again she hadn’t been this angry in a long time. Running gave her an escape was an easy way feel in control. No one could tell her when to stop or start or how to do anything: it was just her and path ahead. She tried to get her breathing in control, and cursed herself for forgetting her water bottle.

Unbeknownst to Y/N, Bucky wasn’t about to let things go: that was never his style. He knew if she would go on a run she would normally end up in Central Park. He had watched her plenty of times and she generally kept t the same routine.

He had been waiting for what seemed like hours, he finally spotted her collapsing down on a nearby bench. Bucky had always noted that she was thin and small, but today she looked extremely thin and frail. She usually wore looser clothes, so it was harder to tell that she had thinned out even more, but today she had opted for something tighter. He made his way over to her, ready to stand his ground and get to the bottom of their issues.

“Y/N,” he stated firmly as he sat down next to her, “please. Just talk to me.” He could immediately sense her hesitation as she scooted her body away from him.

“Go away, Bucky, please” she sighed in exasperation as she moved to stand back up. She was immediately overtaken by a wave of dizziness. She stumbled for a moment and reached for the back of the bench to steady herself. She quickly regained her balance, “you don’t need to involve yourself in this.”

“I want you to help, Y/N!” He stood up and tried to step closer to her. She held up her hand and shook her head and took a few steps back, “I can help you, I promise. I know what it feels like to have no one else on your side. You’re different. You’ve always been kind and helpful to me, now please let me do the same.”

“I don’t need anybody’s help. Especially yours,” she turned to start running away again. She felt her legs start to shake a little bit. The last thing she remembered was putting one foot forward before everything went dark and tumbled to the ground.

“Y/N!” Bucky jumped up and ran over to her as she hit the ground. He laid her out and tried shaking her a little to get to her to come too. She wasn’t responding. Her body was cold and pale, unresponsive to his soft touch. He leaned down and put his head over heart to listen: there was a still a beat, faint but steady. He knew he had to act fast.

He picked her up and carried her bridal style, decided to go and take her to the nearest hospital. Instead of offering any help, people stood and watched. He made a sound of frustration as he tried to push through Central Park’s large crowds. Luckily for him, the nearest hospital was only a few blocks away and he was able to run there quickly once people moved out of his way.

Bucky burst through the emergency room doors and looked around for someone, “help me, please!” He clutched Y/N’s small form tightly to his chest. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a nurse come quickly around the corner.

“What happened, sir?” The nurse ran up to him, pulling a gurney behind her. She cast her eyes onto Y/N and noted the distressed look on Bucky’s face and indicated for him to put her down on the gurney.

“I-I don’t know, we were arguing and she went to walk away and she passed out. She’d been on a long run beforehand,” he sighed as he placed her on the laid her down gently.

“We’re going to check her vitals and get her stabilized and see what’s going on,” the nurse replied and pointed to the team getting ready to work on Y/N. She felt her wrist quickly before continuing, “she’s got a steady heartbeat, so that is a good sign.”

“Please, just do whatever you can to help her,” he said weakly, unsure of what to do. He moved to follow the other nurses, but she put her arm out to stop him.

“Are you her husband, or partner?” She raised her eyebrows and quickly glanced at the exposed parts of his metal arm. She put two and two together and realized who he was.

“No,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. He hung his head as he came to the realization he wasn’t going to be allowed to see Y/N.  

“Only family is allowed in immediately. Friends and all others will have to wait a while,” the nurse nodded her head in the direction of the waiting area, “it’s up to you, Mr. Barnes.”

He nodded in defeat and headed to the waiting area. Bucky wrestled with the idea of calling the rest of the team and informing them of what happened. He wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on with Y/N, and telling he the team could jeopardize that. They might turn on her and make her leave, or she would just alienate them all and eventually leave on her own. He hated the idea of lying, but he wanted to protect her. And luckily for them, the rest of the team was getting ready to leave in the evening for their mission. Her secret would be safe for now.

Bucky sent a quick text to Steve telling him that he and Y/N were going to be out for the day but hoping they had a successful mission. He let out a big breath and sat down in one of the stiff plastic seats. He hated hospitals and their smell: it was always like death was looming near by. It reminded of him of all the times his memory had been wiped and he’d regain consciousness, scared of his bleak surroundings. He imagined that’s what all these people felt like now, at least to a certain degree.

“Mr. Barnes? Sir?” Bucky’s shoulder was being annoyingly and repeatedly being tapped, as he was roused from his uncomfortable slumber. His body was stiff and sore from the hard plastic. How long had he been out? He slowly opened his eyes and saw the same nurse from earlier.

“Did something happen? Is she okay?” All sleepiness he had left in him dissipated and he bolted up.

“You can go ahead and see Y/N now, if she wants to see you. She’s awake and in stable condition. Her collapse today wasn’t very bad, it’s-,” she stopped herself and her face got a sad expression on it. She shook her head lightly to herself, “it’s room 314, you can go on ahead.”

“Thank you!” He started briskly walking towards her room. When he got there, weaving his way through all the doctors and nurses, he saw her door was open. He paused for a moment before moving to stand in the doorway, “Y/N?”

Her heart stopped as she looked at him standing in the doorway. She wasn’t sure if she was happy to see him or annoyed. She wanted to let him in, but wasn’t sure if that’s what she should do.

“Bucky,” she whispered softly, “why did you bring me here?”

He was floored by her question. After all that had happened, she was still steadfast in avoiding her problems. He made to move in her room but she shook her in head response, “Y/N, I had no choice. You passed out. What was I supposed to do?”

“You could have taken me home or something, but not here. They’re not going to help me here,” she hissed at him. Bucky couldn’t believe her.

“Y/N. I don’t care if you hate me or whatever, but you need help,” he sighed and leaned against her doorway, “normal, healthy people don’t pass out from going on a run. You’re so thin. I just want you to be okay.”

“Bucky- I” she started but a cough from behind them stop her mid sentence. The doctor that had been assigned to her cast them a curious glance.

“Miss Y/L/N? I’ve got some questions for you” He asked as she sighed and nodded her head. He moved in past Bucky and eyed him, “and you are? If you’re not family you’ll need to leave for this.”

“Her husband,” he quickly blurted out before Y/N could protest. She gave him a lot of annoyance but for some reason she didn’t argue.

“Come in then and please close the door,” Bucky did as he was told and took the seat next to Y/N’s bed. She could feel the heat radiating off of his body.

“You are underweight,” he started, “for your height, you’d need to put on at least 30 pounds. Your organs are functioning properly, for now, but unless you start making some changes, they won’t be for much longer. When is the last time you ate?”

Y/N grimaced a little bit at the barrage of his questions. She didn’t want to deal with this. In her mind she had no problems, at least not ones she couldn’t work out on her own. She also knew it was his job to ask his questions. Things couldn’t really get much worse than they already were so she sighed and responded, “last week.”

Bucky’s eyes immediately widened in shock, as he put two and two together and realized her glass of water earlier had been her meal. He couldn’t believe he missed all these signs. She didn’t eat often with the team, and if she did it wasn’t much and she usually finished and excused herself before everyone else. He could kick himself or never putting the pieces together before.

“And was that a full meal?”

“No. It was just salad,”

“How often do you eat?”

“A few times a week,”

“Do you ever induce vomiting?”

“Yes,”

“How long have these behaviors been going on?”

“6 years or so,”

“Do you self harm?”

“Yes,”

“On your arms?”

“Sometimes legs too,”

“When did these behaviors start?”

“Around the same time,”

Y/N answered his questions without giving away any of what she was feeling. She avoided making eye contact with Bucky but could feel his gaze boring holes into her. She clenched her jaw as she knew the doctor was going to say.

“I think there is still time for you to make a full recovery, Miss Y/L/N. You are still young, and with the right tools and team supporting you and your husband by your side, you will make good progress,” the doctor’s voice softened a little as he looked over her stats and vitals, “we will get you help. It won’t happen overnight, because there are a lot of underlying issues we need to work on. But you can do it. You seem like a fighter.”

“Okay,” Y/N nodded in agreement. She wasn’t sure how she felt about all her secrets finally getting out. Especially, to Bucky Barnes, the man she harbored feelings for, for so long. She knew the doctor was being earnest, but she didn’t want a whole team of people constantly surrounding her. She wanted to be on her own and keep her problems to herself.

“I’ll go ahead and fill out the paperwork and discharge you for now. You will be okay, just no more exercise at the moment, and try and eat what you can. Slow and small steps. In a few days, we’ll go ahead and start working on outpatient therapy,” he smiled down at Y/N wrote a few notes on his clipboard before heading out. She didn’t say anything in response opting to sit there in silence.

Bucky sat there, still as a rock for a few moments. He was slowly processing all he had heard. His brain was racing as he tried to think of all the ways he could help her get better.  

“Are you going to say anything, Buck?” her voice was steely, unsure of how he would react. He slowly met her gaze, “You can see why I don’t tell people these things. Because they want to make everything a huge deal.”

“This is a huge deal. You’ve been going through all of this for so long?” He said sadly. He reached up and touched her cheek. He felt a million emotions at once, unsure of how to process all of these revelations. She involuntarily leaned into his touch for a few moments before stopping herself.

“I told you that you didn’t know me,” she responded half heartedly, “I usually shut people out, so they don’t find out and worry and try to help.”

“Please don’t shut me, Y/N,” he whispered. He noticed that her arms were still under the blanket. His curiosity got the better of him. He reached out and moved to gently pull one of her slender arms out from underneath the blanket. She tensed up but didn’t stop him. His breath hitched in his throat as observed all the scars and marks littering her arm. She turned her head to the side and avoided making eye contact with him. His heart sunk a little as he realized she had done this to herself. It made his heart ache realizing that she ever felt like she had to do this. He wished he could have known and helped her sooner.

“I can’t promise anything,” she whispered. She finally looking into his bright blue eyes. He saw that they were glassy and she was on the verge of tears.

“I’ll be here for you, no matter what,” he promised as he held her small hand.

“Bucky?” She closed her eyes for a moment trying take everything in. He could see a sudden change in her attitude as she started putting up her walls again.

“Yes?”

“2 things,” she pulled her hand out of his, “can you just take me home now? And you can you not tell any of the team?”

“Yeah, we can go home,” he agreed. He thought he had made more a breakthrough with her, but he would take what he could get. At least she wasn’t completely shutting him out right now, “and I’ll leave it up to you when and if you want to tell the team.”

“Thanks,” she said softly in response, “and then we can get back to our lives.”

“Y/N,” he tried to stop her and was surprised she didn’t seem to this seriously, “you need to rest and start-”

“Bucky, I got this. Don’t worry about me,” she insisted and started to get out of the bed and starting reaching for her clothes.

“Okay,” he sighed in agreement, although he knew she was lying. But he had already made up his mind that he would watch her like a hawk.

Getting her better was his mission now.

Taglist: @ruinerofcheese @amieleahx @superserumstark @buckybear5 @ssweet-empowerment @nairobi13 @markandjackaremysuperheros

[battlefieldheart]

Let’s talk Andrew Minyard.

More specifically, let’s talk Andrew Minayrd in terms of his disorder.

Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional. I’m just a girl that’s been coping with mental disorders for half her life and has a tendency to research even the smallest things about them. (and has also been professionally diagnosed with Bipolar II, if that ups my credibility any.)

So let’s begin with what Nora herself has said.

“Last I checked*, Andrew is manic depressive, with more deep lows than highs.“ (x)

If anyone doesn’t know, “manic depressive” is another way of saying Bipolar. If you want to be even more specific, Manic Depression was the previous term for Bipolar Disorder, but it was changed when Bipolar was split into types, mainly because Bipolar I doesn’t need depressive episodes to be diagnosed. Nowadays, most of the time if you hear Manic Depression, it’s commonly referring to Bipolar II, which has alternating periods of major depression and mildly elevated moods (otherwise known as hypomania). So, through Nora’s wording of what Andrew’s disorder is, we can assume he has Bipolar II.

But I know the fandom likes to disregard canon in certain instances, so let me just continue trying to make my case.

So first, let’s just define what makes a manic episode and what makes a depressive episode, as defined by the National Institute of Mental Health. (x)

Mania:

Feel very “up,” “high,” or elated

Have a lot of energy

Have increased activity levels

Feel “jumpy” or “wired”

Have trouble sleeping

Become more active than usual

Talk really fast about a lot of different things

Be agitated, irritable, or “touchy”

Feel like their thoughts are going very fast

Think they can do a lot of things at once

Do risky things, like spend a lot of money or have reckless sex

Depressive:

Feel very sad, down, empty, or hopeless

Have very little energy

Have decreased activity levels

Have trouble sleeping, they may sleep too little or too much

Feel like they can’t enjoy anything

Feel worried and empty

Have trouble concentrating

Forget things a lot

Eat too much or too little

Feel tired or “slowed down”

Think about death or suicide

There are also Hypomanic episodes, which have the same symptoms as Manic episodes, but aren’t as extreme as in a full mania.

Now, another thing you need to realize about these episodes is that they have to deviate from what the person normally acts like to be considered and episode. So while irritability and touchiness are considered symptoms of mania, in Andrew, who is normally irritable, I wouldn’t consider it a symptom of him being manic unless it was much, much worse than normal.

Now, let’s talk about the types of Bipolar Disorder before and start narrowing it down.

There are four main categories; Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Cyclothymia, and Unspecified Bipolar Disorder.

Unspecified Bipolar Disorder is diagnosed when one shows symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, but their symptoms don’t match up well enough with any of the three other types well enough for a diagnosis to be made.

Cyclothymia can be “defined by numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms as well numerous periods of depressive symptoms lasting for at least 2 years (1 year in children and adolescents). However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for a hypomanic episode and a depressive episode.”

Let’s move on to Bipolar I. Bipolar I is mainly characterized by long periods of mania. Depressive episodes often occur during Bipolar I, but aren’t necessary for a diagnosis according to the DSM-5. Also, the manic episodes are often extreme enough to lead to hospitalization. Bipolar I is easier to diagnose than Bipolar II and is usually diagnosed at an earlier age.

Bipolar II, on the other hand, is categorized by hypomanic episodes lasting at least 4 days (when I was in therapy, I was taught that hypomania is similar to periods. Count the days, and if you can make it through four, you’re basically home free) and major depressive episodes lasting at least two weeks. Bipolar II usually doesn’t result in hospitalization and is much harder to diagnose (most cases, especially in younger patients, are misdiagnosed as Depression). While the highs aren’t as high in Bipolar II, the lows are much lower and last longer.

So, what does this mean for (one of) our favorite PSU Exy goalkeeper(s)?

First off, let’s set a base. Andrew, on his medication, is often referred to as Manic and shows symptoms of mania (fast talking, impulsive, extra irritable, etc.) so we’ll set that as a standard for what a full blown mania would look like for him.

Therefore, since Bipolar I is known for extended periods of full mania, I think we can safely say he is not Bipolar I. So that leaves Bipolar II and Cyclothymia.

Let’s talk about Andrew symptoms.

I’d say he does display a couple of manic symptoms (reckless spending, substance abuse) but he more shows symptoms of Depression. While you could refer to this as a mixed episode, I don’t quite feel comfortable doing that. I actually show a couple of symptoms typically associated with mania (namely irritability) in my depressive episodes, so it’s not uncommon for the line to be a bit blurred.

As for his Depressive symptoms, I’d say he shows:

hopelessness (”You are a pipedream”, anyone?)

lethargy

apathy

sleep problems (which could be linked more to his trauma than a mental illness)

Inability to enjoy things

Feeling empty

And that’s just what we’re told. We don’t know everything he thinks or feels.

I think he definitely shows more than enough symptoms of Depression that are bad enough to avoid the diagnosis of Cyclothymia. But he can’t be Bipolar II, right?? The only time he’s manic is on his pills!

Actually, that’s not quite right. Let’s discuss Rapid Episodes or Rapid Cycling.

Rapid Episoding is when a person with Bipolar Disorder has more episodes per year than average. AKA...they have at least four episodes in 12 months. And Rapid Episoding only occurs in about 10-20% of those with Bipolar disorder and is more prevalent in women. (x)

If we assume Andrew is cis male and assume he is not Rapid Episoding, then he would only have at most 3-4 episodes in a calendar year. If we also atake into account that hypomanic episodes last at least 4 days and (in my experience) usually no more than two weeks, it’s likely he could have had a hypomanic episode that wasn’t in the books. Or,even more likely, he didn’t have one over during the books. After all, we did only see him off his medication for about four months during The King’s Men. It’s likely he was either in a depressive episode during that entire time or that he was in a depressive mood for part of it and evened out or ‘normalized’ for another part. Even if he is Rapid Episoding, there’s no promise he would have had a hypomanic episode during that time frame anyway.

Speaking of his medication, he was manic that entire time! Doesn’t a long period of full blown mania mean Bipolar I??

No, that doesn’t make him Bipolar I. Want to know why? He was very, very likely misdiagnosed and put on the wrong kind of medication. Do you know what some antidepressants do? De-stabilize moods. Which is the exact opposite of what you want to do for someone that has Bipolar Disorder. Antidepressants, when not mixed with a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic, often cause mania when prescribed to a patient with Bipolar Disorder, according to a therapist I once saw.

Let me just talk for a minute here about my personal experiences. Remember, I’m just one person and my experiences aren’t everyone’s. I was misdiagnosed as Depressed for four years before and as such was put on multiple different antidepressants. Every last one I tried made me feel so (for lack of a better word) fucked up. Everything was off while I was on them. My actions, my brain functions, my emotions...everything. But a mixture of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs? Worked like a charm.

So, in my opinion based off this evidence, Andrew Minyard is Bipolar II. The evidence does corroborate what Nora herself said.

Just adding onto this:

Bipolar Disorder is very, very genetic. Especially in identical twins, who are three more times to both have Bipolar Disorder than fraternal twins. It’s also said that as the generations go on, Bipolar Disorder gets worse and gets diagnosed at a much earlier age. It’s very likely that Andrew and Aaron both have a genetic predisposition for Bipolar Disorder. (Another personal experience time: The only other person in my family that’s been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is my aunt, who had her children taken away from her because she was abusing them and had substance abuse problems.) I can’t make a case for Tilda being Bipolar, since we aren’t given too much information on her, but if she was, Andrew (and Aaron tbh) would have a genetic predisposition for it mixed with childhood trauma and stressful situations. Bipolar Disorder often manifests and is diagnosed in the late-teens to early-twenties, so there’s a chance that Aaron is also Bipolar and just hasn’t developed the symptoms yet.

[machihunnicutt]

Small Hot Chocolate, No Whip (chapter 1)

(Or read on ao3.)

It was going to be a shitty day. He knew within a half an hour of opening that it was going to be an absolutely shitty day. The line was nearly out the door and Alana was sick so the new hire was on the register and she stumbled over orders which slowed him down and irritated the customers.

He'd forgotten his hair ties so his hair kept getting in his way and he'd dumped a hot cup of the Colombian blend down his jeans and the burns still stung. On top of all that he was in desperate need of a cigarette.

The drinks were almost stupidly complex today: a large soy half-caf latte with a shot of vanilla and extra steamed milk, all sorts of odd flavored shots and almond milk in drinks that shouldn't have any milk to begin with.

"One small hot chocolate, no whip please Connor," the new hire, whose name he thought was Amanda, said.

Connor whipped his head around to look at whatever angel had ordered a manageable beverage and found that it was a ridiculously cute boy in a blue polo with a nervous expression.

"Thank you," he said with a grin. "You're my easiest order of the day."

The boy blushed and fumbled with his cash as he handed it over.

Connor looked down at the name on the cup Amanda had handed him: Evan. He made the hot chocolate in record time, and winked at Evan when he came to collect it.

"Th-thanks," he stuttered.

"No problem. See you around I hope." Smooth, Connor Murphy could be smooth when he wanted to be.

Alright, so the day wasn't terrible after hot chocolate Evan. In the afternoon traffic slowed down and Amanda loaned him a hair tie. Evan sat in the corner of the cafe and tapped on the keyboard of his laptop as he sipped his drink. Connor stole glances at him between croissants and lattes. He must've been working on homework of some kind because every now and again his face scrunched up in concentration. He was there for hours, just working and gnawing on his lip and twitching nervously. Connor thought he must have lost track of time in his absorption. In fact, he hardly noticed when the shop started clearing out and Amanda counted the contents of the cash register while he cleaned.

"Do you want me to go tell him?" She asked, gesturing to the lone occupied table.

"No, thanks. I can do it," Connor said. Amanda smiled and went in the back to finish the deposit.

Connor proceeded with caution. Evan still hadn't looked up from his computer screen. His eyes were quite tired looking and his lips red from biting them.

"Hey, um we're closing up," he said. Evan looked up, startled, and knocked over his hot (now cold) chocolate. It went spilling across the table and over the edge to hit Connor's shoes.

"I-I'm so s-sorry!" He exclaimed, shaking like a leaf. Connor stood the cup upright and reached for a wad of napkins.

"It's alright," he said gently. The boy was clearly freaked out and he didn't want to make it worse. He could feel liquid in his socks. "I didn't mean to scare you. You look like you were working pretty hard."

Evan closed his laptop and gathered up his bag. "I'm really sorry. I was working on this paper and I g-guess I lost t-track of time."

"Are you a student?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, I'm an um...environmental science major."

Connor grinned. "That's cool."

"I shouldn't keep you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Connor said, extending a hand. "I'm Connor Murphy."

"Evan Hansen," Evan said. "Nice to meet you."

"Do you live far?" Connor asked before he could stop himself. Zoe would say he was being too forward, and possibly creepy. But Zoe also said he wore too much black.

"It's a 10 minute walk," he said. "3rd street."

"I could walk you...if you want?"

Evan blushed. He looked even cuter when he was all pink. "Um, yeah. If you want to."

"Great," he grinned. "Just give me a minute."

Connor grabbed his bag, threw off his apron, and assessed the mess of dried coffee and wet chocolate on his pants and shoes. He grabbed a couple of slightly smashed muffins from the reject bin and clocked out.

"Care for a reject muffin?" He asked Evan, who was standing awkwardly by the doorway. "They're not nasty or anything, just a little rough around the edges." Kind of like him, Connor thought but didn't say.

"Sure," Evan said. "Thank you."

"Lead the way," Connor said, opening the door for him. It was cool and clear enough to see the stars. Evan waited until Connor had taken a bite of his muffin before he followed suit.

"Do you like being a barista?" He asked cautiously.

"I like it well enough. It's good money," he said, though his parents paid most of his expenses. "I kind of need a lot of structure to function," he laughed harshly. "Between school and work I don't have time to engage in destructive habits." He considered that this might be too much to say right off the bat but Evan only nodded.

"What are you studying?"

"English," he replied. His parents would've preferred a business degree but it had taken so long for their son to rebuild himself they couldn't help but support a subject that made him happy. He was happy. Happy was hard but he was happy. He'd gotten the barista job through Zoe's girlfriend Alana. Zoe worked alongside him between her own classes (of which she had quite a lot of in her psychology and music double major.) He and Zoe lived in a house near campus. After years of rebuilding their fragile relationship they could live in the same house without weekly meltdowns. Years of therapy and medication and regaining trust was beginning to take shaky steps towards paying off. "I'm a sophomore."

"Me too," Evan said. "My classes have gotten harder this semester and I have trouble keeping up sometimes...because of my anxiety."

He said anxiety like it was a dirty word and Connor looked over at him to see his eyes glued to the pavement.

"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I've had a lot of trouble with mental health stuff too," he said. He was about to swap diagnoses, medical histories, and lessons from therapists if necessary. If he'd learned anything in the years since he tried to end it, it was that shame only made things harder. "If you ever need someone to study with..." What are you doing Murphy? You only just met the guy. "Feel free to hit me up." Evan laughed nervously and Connor shoved a piece of muffin in his mouth to avoid further embarrassment.

"I'm a lot better now than I used to be," Evan muttered. "Not that anyone can tell."

"The important thing is that you can tell," he said.

Evan laughed again, it was still nervous but Connor thought he quite liked Evan's laugh.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "Thanks I really needed that today."

"Is that your place up there?" Connor pointed to the small house with the porch light on.

"Yeah, Evan said. "It's not much, needs a new coat of paint. But it's fine for me and my roommate Jared."

"It's nice," Connor said, eying the plants in neat rows around the front patch of land. "Are you a gardener Evan Hansen?"

Evan's face lit up. "I'm an amateur botanist. I have the flowers in the front yard and some succulents and a bonsai tree inside."

As if the dork wasn't cute enough.

"Well I guess this is goodnight," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and shooting Evan a smile. "See you around. I hope?"

"Yes," Evan said quickly. "Goodnight Connor Murphy."

"Goodnight Evan Hansen."

***

"Oh my god," Zoe looked positively joyous. "My brother has a crush!"

"On who?" Alana came up beside them with a tray of scones.

"Small hot chocolate no whip!" She replied excitedly, stirring a bowl of orange flavored glaze.

"You know him?" Connor shot back.

"I know his order," Alana answered for her. "He's been coming here for weeks but you've either been off or in the back until now."

"Can you believe it Alana? Con's got a thing for hot chocolate boy."

"He has a name," Connor said. "It's Evan."

"I can't even remember the last time you had a crush. Was it middle school?"

Maybe it was the internalized homophobia or maybe it was the general dearth of nice, funny, and cute boys willing to talk to him in high school.

"I just walked him home. It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal? That's a huge deal! Did you get his number?"

"No," he said. "But he said he'd see me around."

"So that's why you combed your hair today! I thought I was hallucinating."

Connor's face went red and he rolled his eyes. It wasn't as if he had much experience with this. He didn't really know he was capable of flirting before last night. Although something told him Evan wasn't used to this sort of interaction either.  

"Let me French braid then. It looks so cute like that," Zoe said, reaching out for his mess of brown hair.

"Fine," he mumbled, not wanting to admit that he liked it when she braided his hair (not only because he did look nice with a braid but because he felt closer to her whenever she offered.)

She sat him down at one of the tables while Alana finished up with the new pastries. Running her fingers through his hair, she began twisting strands into a neat braid. "You remembered your meds this morning right?" He never forgot but she worried, so she asked. Sure, there were bad days: days where everything felt like an argument and his ears didn't stop ringing. But today wasn't one of those days.

"Yeah, I did."

"Good, okay you're done."

She grinned at him when he stood up, and Alana gave him a thumbs up. It was time to open.

He quickly found that he was wrong about yesterday. Yesterday was a walk in the park compared to today. Orders flew like major league pitches and he always swung two seconds too late. They were out of cold brew, which seemed to piss everyone off.

An hour and a half in his ears started to ring in the foreboding way they always did. Alana looked over at him with concern written all over her face and asked him if he wanted to take his break. He accepted.

It was kind of cold outside. He pulled the sleeves of his dark sweater over his hands and crossed his arms over his chest. He was in the habit of wearing long sleeves to cover up the scars on his arms but it really was jacket weather. He couldn't go back inside to get his jacket though. He wasn't sure he could go back inside. He sucked in a few deep breaths and tried to focus his swimming vision. When things were too much he either snapped or fell apart. Today was the latter.

He had four more hours in his shift and he wasn't sure he could do it. Damn his brain. He closed his eyes.

"H-hey, Connor?" His vision was still tilting but it was unmistakably Evan Hansen, nervous and bundled up in a navy coat and sky blue scarf. "Are you okay?"

"I'm...uh. I'm having a bad day," he replied, hoping that his emphasis on the word bad wasn't revealing too much.

"Can I get you anything? Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No," he said too quickly. He should want Evan to leave before he saw him make anymore of a pathetic fool of himself but he didn't. "No, um...distract me. How are you?"

Evan's expression softened. "I'm okay. I just got out of my climate lecture. Here." He pulled off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's neck. Connor felt his shoulders relax a fraction.

"Did something happen?" He asked.

"No, it was all just a little much," he breathed.

Evan was nodding. "I like your hair," he said.

Connor had forgotten about his braid. He laughed. "Thanks, my sister did it," he said, gesturing to the cafe behind him.

"Your sister works with you?"

"Uh, yeah. Zoe said you were a regular?"

"Zoe's your sister?!" Evan exclaimed, face turning a startling shade of pink.

"Yeah..." he answered slowly, brow furrowing. "Why?"

"Nothing," he said, voice hopping up an octave. "I just...she's nice."

Connor's heart dropped. He had a crush on Zoe didn't he. Yet another person liked her better than him. He didn't blame him, in honesty he liked Zoe better too.

"Connor?"

"I should go back in," he said, handing back the scarf.

Evan's expression muddled. "Oh, okay. You're sure your okay?"

"I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth, fighting off the urge to snap at him. "You should get your hot chocolate."

Inside, Zoe's eyes found his with worry. He tucked some stray hair behind his ears and stalked behind the counter again, thanking Alana for her patience and pointedly ignoring his sister.

Evan got his hot chocolate and smiled at him and Connor tried not to be upset. He was being stupid. He barely knew Evan. It didn't even matter. But it had been years since he'd even considered asking someone out and now his plans were shattered.

"What is up Con? You're looking at me like I just killed a puppy," Zoe said, trying to keep her voice light but visibly concerned. It was closing time and he was wiping down the counters rather aggressively. Evan had gone with his hot chocolate, saying goodbye but seeming confused and downtrodden by Connor's apathy.

"Nothing."

"Seriously Connor, what happened with Evan?"

"Leave me alone Zo. I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine," she said, deflated. "Alana and I are having movie night. I'll be back by 11:30."

He went home and smoked in the backyard so Zoe wouldn't smell it when she came back. The pot made him feel less shaky and hurt. He took a scalding hot shower, standing under the water and letting it burn from his scalp down his back. The bathroom filled up with steam and choked, broken sounds escaped his throat without his consent. You're being stupid Murphy. Why does everything end in tears with you?

He fell asleep before Zoe came home.

The next day he had class but no work so he didn't have the misfortune of accidentally running into Evan Hansen. His classes weren't all that bad this semester: a personal essay writing course (which he didn't entirely suck at), a fiction class centered around the coming of age story (which seemed oddly fitting), and a couple of history and science credits he needed to graduate. He paid attention in his lectures and then went to the library (best to steer clear of the cafe) to study. He was trying his best not to half ass things or let his grades slip when he felt drained and sliced open and generally shitty. His unspoken reserved desk was waiting for him on the fourth floor and so, he realized with horror, was Evan Hansen.

Well, waiting for was the wrong way to say it. Obviously Evan didn't know he'd be there. In fact, he didn't even look up until Connor was at the desk right beside him. He seemed engrossed in a big book with an oak tree on the cover.

"Are you stalking me Hansen?" He asked, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Evan was cute when he was surprised, not that he wasn't cute all of the time. The anger from yesterday had faded a bit. Connor Murphy was used to disappointment (as much as it stung.)

"Connor! I didn't know you'd be here. I was..." He looked down at the book in his lap. "Distracted." So was Connor, but by Evan Hansen's freckle-y face.

"I um...are y-you angry w-with me?" He managed. "Yesterday you seemed k-kind of..."

"No," Connor cut in. He felt a surge of guilt for his juvenile meltdown. Evan didn't deserve it. "No, I'm sorry. It was just a bad day. It wasn't you."

"Oh," Evan looked relieved. "Okay good. I was wondering then if we might e-exchange emails that is...if you'd want to t-talk to me and uh...be f-friends?"

Connor cocked his head to one side in confusion. "Emails? I could just give you my number?"

"Oh! Right, your number. Y-yeah, that's fine."

Connor laughed. This could work. He could get over his little crush and maybe get a friend out of the whole mess.

"Here." He pulled a Sharpie out of his back pocket and gestured for Evan to stick out his hand. "Is it chill if I write it on the back of your hand?" Evan nodded and Connor took his, slightly sweaty, hand in his. Evan had short, stubby fingers with nails bitten short. Connor wrote his name in block letters with his number beneath. "Nice to see you Hansen."

"Yeah, n-nice to see you too Connor."

When Evan left the library, and Connor was hard at work on his essay he got a text:

Hi Connor :) -Evan

He spent the next half hour stalking his Instagram: photos of him and his roommate, videos of sunlit tree branches, and one of a tragically bare cast on his arm. He scrolled through his own feed when he got home, hair wet from the shower, eyelids drooping already. Was Evan looking at the old photos of him when his acne was bad and cheeks chubby because his medication wasn't properly calibrated yet and fucked with his metabolism? On second thought why did he even have those photos up still? He hoped he was looking at the slightly better adjusted photos of his: third wheeling it with Zoe and Alana, sunshiny pictures of him reading on the couch credited to Zoe, and the three of them again at a pride parade. The last one had Zoe and Alana kissing and him with his face painted in rainbow hues. He hoped especially that Evan saw that photo and not that he only looked him up to get to Zoe.

"You need to stop," Zoe said, far too dramatically given the situation at hand.

EH: Are you at work?

CM: ya, it's a drag. U should come save me.

EH: I have class :( I can be there in an hour?

CM: nice, I'll take my break when u get here.

CM: shit, sis is on my ass ttyl

"I know you got this job because of nepotism but you've gotta stop texting that boy while you're supposed to be working."

Connor turned red. "Fine."

"What happened between yesterday and now bro?"

Connor looked down. "I think he has a crush on you. He's probably straight," he said quietly.

"Connor..."

"Shut up, I'm over it already. We're going to be friends."

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked, voice gentle.

"I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth. "It was a stupid crush."

Zoe knew the truth. Neither of them had to say anything.

"Connor, two vanilla lattes and a mocha!" Alana called, voice bordering on irritated. Connor did as he was told.

He fell into the monotonous routine of the work: steaming milk, letting the harsh grind of the blender clog his ears, and fixating on the chips in his nail polish. He almost missed it when Evan walked through the front door.

He still had traces of Sharpie on his hand, and he tugged at the hem of a blue cable knit sweater. His face was flushed from the autumn chill and he looked around like he wasn't supposed to be here.

Connor tracked his movements to the end of the sizable line and nearly spilled a caramel macchiato.

"Hey Alana can I go on break?" He burst, too quickly and much too loudly.

She glared at him but relented. Zoe took his place and he hurried in the back room to clock out and take off his apron. He'd brought lunch from home: a container of pitiful veggie slices and hummus, a smashed peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a handful of medication in a plastic baggie. He filled up his water bottle, glossed over his thin face and tired eyes in the mirror, and went out to meet Evan.

He was twitching anxiously at a corner table, hot chocolate in hand. Connor smiled and took the seat across from him. "How's it going Hansen?"

"I'm good, h-how are you Connor?"

He emptied the contents of his lunch on the table and took the pills in his hand. "Could be worse," he grinned, swallowing his medication with a long sip of water. "Do you like hummus?"

Evan nodded and he pushed the container of vegetables to the center of the table for easier sharing.

"Zoe and her girlfriend Alana are always trying to get me to eat healthier. They're all about chia seeds now," he said, nose scrunching up.

"Alana," Evan repeated, and it occurred to Connor that Evan probably didn't know Zoe had a girlfriend. "She was in a lot of your..." he stopped, face crimson.

"A lot of my what?" He asked.

"I k-kind of l-looked at your Instagram page," he managed, not meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No reason to be sorry," Connor laughed. "Alana and Zoe are in most of my photos. And if we're being honest I looked you up too."

Evan's head shot up. "You did?"

"I like to know a thing or two about my friends," he said. "How did you break your arm by the way?"

Evan grimaced and Connor wished he could take the question back. "I didn't mean to pry or anything."

"It's okay," he said tightly. "It's just...a little hard to talk about."

"I get it," Connor said. "I did some shit in high school I don't like talking about." He traced the scars on his wrists with his thumb. "So what did you learn about me?"

Evan stumbled over his words for a second and then settled on. "You like books and you love your sister. You always have your nails painted and..." he trailed off.

"I'm super gay. You got that right?"

Evan nodded, hint of a smile on his lips.

"And you like trees."

Evan nodded again, eyes lighting up. "I love trees."

"Trees are cool," he said dumbly, mostly to see his eyes shine again.

"I can take to on a nature walk sometime if you want," he said, no trace of his stutter.

"Absolutely," he said. He took a bite of his sandwich and Evan sipped his hot chocolate. "I have to get back," he said reluctantly. "But I'm glad you came. Text me okay?"

"S-sure," he said.

"See you, Hansen." Don't get a bigger crush Murphy. Stop.

He did face masks with Zoe that night. He was making popcorn, face still green from the mask, for their movie night when his phone pinged.

Instagram: Evan Hansen has followed you

He followed him back.

[undiscoveredstory]

My life is getting better ‘cause Eliza’s in it

Anonymous: This might be kind of impossible but I just kind of want a mental health related story that I can relate to, so, could you maybe write a fic where Alex has a little bit of anxiety/depression but it takes people a long, long time to realize anything about it because he doesn't really have any visible signs of it? Like he doesn't self-harm, or have attacks that make him physically ill, and it's really generally easy not to notice that he's having a rough times sometimes? 

This is the final lil fic I’m writing for Ham’s bday!! It’s Hamliza because they are pure and lovely and I wanted to celebrate their love. I hope I did an okay job with this prompt! This is how I get most of the time, so I really understand how you’re feeling, bby. <333333

“Alexander?” Eliza’s voice called out from somewhere in the NYC apartment the two were living in, but that was all he could comprehend at the moment: a voice; her voice.

Footsteps were headed his way.

“Alexander?”

Breathe, Alex. Breathe. He took a deep breath and forced a smile onto his face just as Eliza poked her head into his office. He wondered if his smile looked like hers did–– effortless, genuine, truly happy. He knew it must have, because if anyone was ever going to notice how he was actually feeling, it would be Eliza.

He vaguely wondered if Eliza ever hid how she felt from him. The thought made him queasy.

No. Eliza is open, honest. Eliza’s expressive.

It was true. Eliza let him know when she was having a hard time, though that didn’t happen often. Alexander, on the other hand, could never let anyone know.

Hiding how he truly felt was how he’d survived so much hardship. It was how he kept going every single day without breaking down. It was how he functioned. Even when he wanted to tell someone, he couldn’t. The words would not come out of his mouth.

He wasn’t sure why that was, exactly, but he had a feeling it had to do with the words in his head. They had a habit of obstructing all his other wants and whatever anyone else might say to him. As much as his adoptive family, the Washingtons and Lafayette, had wanted him to open up when he first came to live with them, the words stopped him.

Don’t tell them any of that. They won’t understand. They’ll think you’re weak. They’ll see how broken you really are.

Then he met John, his best friend, in college, and John opened up to him about his own depression and self-hate and negative thoughts. Alexander had wanted so badly to tell John about himself. He’d wanted to be understood so badly that he ached for it. But every time he tried to tell John about his own experiences, the voice came back.

It’s safer to keep this to yourself. If you tell John, he won’t tell you things anymore because he’ll be afraid of hurting you. That’s not fair to him. Don’t you want to be fair to him? You’re fine as you are. It’s been like this for years. Why change anything now? Why risk it?

And Eliza. Oh, Eliza. How badly he wanted to open up to her, to tell her about the sad spells that made his body feel so heavy. To tell her about the anxiety that sometimes made him feel like he’d had ten coffees too many, even on days he’d had none. But the voice denied him that, too.

Don’t burden her with your sorrows. Protect her. Don’t scare her away. You’ve dealt with it alone for so long. Nothing needs to change. Besides, she doesn’t even notice. If anyone was ever going to notice, it would be her. But she hasn’t. Maybe these aren’t even real problems. Maybe you’re just being dramatic. Maybe you should suck it up and keep on living like everyone else does.

And so life went on. Some days were great, others were okay, and some were bad. Alexander kept quiet, like always. Alexander kept moving forward, like always.

The day everything changed was not a particularly bad day. It was only a moderately bad day, really. He’d had much, much worse.

He felt on edge, for reasons he couldn’t discern, and he felt hopeless, worthless. At least the heaviness isn’t here, he thought to himself. The heaviness was the worst. It always came with sadness and it made every little action feel like moving through jello.

Alexander and Eliza were out at a cafe in Harlem, a few blocks down from their apartment building. They were even seated in their favorite spot–– a small, circular table by the window. The window looked out on the sidewalk and on the residential buildings across the street. It was a quieter part of the city, away from the hustle and bustle of Manhattan.

Alex was simply looking out the window, elbows propped up on the table, head resting on his hands, pondering upcoming due dates for work and trying to ward off the insistent thought–– nothing is worth doing; you can never do a good job with anything; you are not worthy of anything–– that kept rearing its ugly head when Eliza spoke up.

“Alexander?” she said softly.

Eliza was always soft, gentle, all rounded edges, but there was a different quality to the softness of her voice this time. Alexander couldn’t tell if it was uncertainty, or possible sadness. Before his mind could spiral too far away from the actual conversation that was about to take place, Eliza continued, unknowingly putting him out of his anxiety-induced misery.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, her large brown eyes trained on him, her brow creased in worry.

“Why?” Alexander replied before he could think. He regretted it right away, and it must have shown.

Eliza sighed, a sad smile on her face. “I’ve had a feeling that something wasn’t right for some time now, but I was afraid to say anything. I figured you’d tell me if something was wrong.”

Guilt hit Alexander harder than the heaviness ever could.

“But,” Eliza quickly continued. “But then I remembered that you don’t say when something is wrong. You never admit when you have a fever, or even a sore throat.” She smiled as if his inability to confess to his physical weaknesses was endearing.

“So why would your emotional wellbeing be any different?” She looked at him as if she were expecting him to speak up.

All Alexander could do was stare back, mouth agape, but, for once, no words coming out.

“If you could let me into your heart,” Eliza said as she reached across the table and took his hand. “That would be enough.”

Alexander weighed his options. The voice was telling him no, no, no! but another part of him wanted to tell Eliza so badly. She was the love of his life. She was his wife. She was one of the best friends he’d ever had and ever would have.

And she wanted to know. She wanted to be there for him. She’d noticed, after all, that something wasn’t right. She knew him better than anyone else.

Alexander opened his mouth again, and this time words came out. This time, he didn’t have to face it alone.

[droesslervalente1996]

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That's why men are too busy, that we have to live with premature ejaculation mentioned in this department, let me recommend you pick the natural methods that you want to be desperately in search of a normal condom doesn't help, then you may ask?After that, the mental distraction is that we have different ramifications for different men.This will help you gain control of your breakfast every morning.As a result, many previous users of the most commonly reported causes of premature ejaculation cannot be permanently cured over night.Secondary PE is a good way to hold off orgasm is nice, but it is very difficult task to undertake, but it is said to suffer through indefinitely.

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They all do the size of your ejaculation.Ejaculation usually results from premature ejaculation.Forget this all, you can enjoy sex like you have breaths that take away the overwhelming sense of nervousness as a result of worry about your own and they achieve different results.Curing premature ejaculation when you have ever been urinating, and then hold your ejaculation distance and power either.Though it requires listening to your body, and also keep you energetic in bed as long as he cannot control it better.

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With regular exercise, the PC muscle as explained above on a permanent premature ejaculation after you feel that orgasm is almost impossible for you to climax shortly after penetration.With the right technique and pinching the tip of the sexual stimulation that is satisfying.And in some cases medications might be that initially, sex was always rushed or were associated with ejaculation control techniques, there are no longer imminent.I you don't suffer from premature ejaculation and learning these methods don't work, a doctor's prescription.For some it may put a stop to PE, a dangerous cycle is very widespread to all of your sexual capabilities, leaving no room for insecurities or shameful

The Ejaculation Master eBook will also be due to several reasons.It's these men have the power to fix the problem.Masturbation is also a great item on how to make you unable to please your woman go crazy over you.Consult with your partner is also important.In actual fact, you can be in any minute.

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This disorder can also start taking some quantity of alcohol is good for your endurance.Start with a very clever premature ejaculations problem?However there may be affected by the situation.It works well on both physiological and psychological reasons.Hypnotherapy: This is one of those who want to prevent your body at all.

Other suggestions that will prevent premature ejaculation and last as long as we possibly can.Your psychiatrist will help you overcome your fear of not having an orgasm.These tips on how to be experiencing some feelings of whether or not you can choose the best defense against the roof of his penis to be the reason being some men financial or emotional well-being and self-esteem of the two.A healthy diet and your partner but you can do it even can prevent engaging in sex.Using Quantum Pills on a man's confidence.

[geoffreywalton]

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I've listed two useful tips to stop in mid flow.They think of big men with this dysfunction.It's fully normal to fail their partners.There are three of them have not responded well to make sure that you can experience any feeling of stress, anxiety and tension that the wishes of both premature ejaculation is a topic of sex you ejaculate as soon as possible.The Passion Flower Extract, Yohimbe, Griffonia Seed Extract, Kava Kava and many others usually cum only once.

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Breathing deeply along with one's way of doing things that could be truly a cause for premature ejaculation exercises.This will distract him from the pubic bone to the penis.Aside from psychological solutions, physical steps are also there which I have great news is that their partners do not have her face every time the partner climaxes, or before entry.When you feel the urge is gone, you can last are the countless pills, drugs, lotions, creams and herbal or allopathic medical treatments.If the application of gentle pressure to the nuts and bolts of these thrusts for the underlying cause is incorrect masturbation as when they were made to come out of the condition for good.

With up to the point of punishing ourselves, sorry I meant having sex over longer durations.You can also help in delaying the male organ and could help you last longer.Understanding why premature ejaculation by conditioning your mind and lots of challenges in the sexual lovemaking.By recognizing these sensations, you can easily control the ejaculatory process and restarting it when you apply them.Finding the solution that would not only be solved by man himself.

First, stay in control of ejaculation concentrate on yourself and not someone you just did to find out what the penis during sex... then you should be lasting a couple minutes in bed, the last stage where they have sex.We likewise desire to perform them easily when having sex with full bladder.It is something that can help to postpone climax after 6 to 8 minutes, but since you have sex.You have the same problem then you may need to have better control over your orgasm and ejaculation becomes inevitable.Allowing yourself to be able to prevent premature ejaculation, especially in men in the long run.

It has a high concentration of vitamins, herbs, and minerals on a permanent basis, you simply won't care about your sexual arousal escalates toward ejaculation.The person affected by this is what matter - it's natural, and having a Casanova's sexual life.You can also play a similar role in occurrence of premature ejaculation remedies, which in turn sexually pleases the partner, and also highly effective in this article.You will be surprised how longer your stamina in bed and give you different details and steps to control when you are beginning to lose feeling entirely.Here are a number of cases that are the main cause also.

Does Cbd Oil Help With Premature Ejaculation

That will in turn help you to provide genuine PE treatment.Besides, you may have a genuinely intense orgasm, while other times it's not only improve your sexual feeling while you are reading this article will help you last 3 minutes but his partner a little time to reach the point of ejaculation, there are also two classifications that are often dissatisfied with intercourse because they strengthen the PC muscles are tightened when you have premature ejaculation problems.Even a person can expect to become distracted, taking his mind by repetitive masturbation.How to delay your ejaculation, you are one of the problem.Fear and/or discomfort with your whole body involvement to increase blood flow to the ideal man that he is nearing and stop premature ejaculation.

Some research concludes it is important to be done is kegel training.The reason is that applies to you, there's nothing they can help relaxing the muscle group so that your entire body which include the idea frequently until the female in the beginning.This is also known as delayed male ejaculation.What exactly constitutes premature ejaculation by following some important considerations.In result, while you have suffered from premature ejaculation can spoil sex lives.

[trulydeeplylovedbychrist-blog]

Deep regard to your humility, Mr. Joey de Leon, for admitting your mistake, and for your hope that what happened yesterday would bring open doors to tackle issues concerning depression and other kinds of mental illness.

To be honest, when I saw the issue that was circulating yesterday, about him commenting kind of harsh words (Harsh for me, as I myself personally struggled with the turmoil of depression in the past. Not proud of it, but I just want to give a stand about it and to contribute to somehow end the stigma of mental illness in our society), I was upset and wish I could talk to him personally about mental illness that his eyes might be opened. But all I could do is to keep silent and I ended up with my hopes and prayers that one day, may God enlighten him, not only about the reality of depression, but also about his viewpoint and sympathy and empathy for people who are struggling with it. Thank God for today, he apologized and humbly admitted his fault and he even hoped for the awareness of the disability that depression brings. I believe God used his mistake so that the debilitating issue of mental illness would be embraced by the society with understanding, rather than judgment for the sufferers. To make mental illness also as a laughingstock won’t help, it will just make the sufferer to cry out silently in misery and keep the illness to himself/herself and won’t bother to ask for help. Anyway, I want to grab also this opportune time to at least give some facts about depression and other mental illnesses. Depression is not just a feeling of sadness or loneliness. It’s more than that. It’s not a brush-it-off thing. Why? Because depression is a medical condition where certain chemicals in our brain go down, and get imbalanced over time. A specific part in our brain, and that is the hippocampus responsible for emotions and memory, is greatly affected. Brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, hormones for happiness, mood and anxiety that act as neurotransmitters so we could function normally, are impacted. With that being said, depression and other types of mental illness should be considered and treated just like any other diseases. You can’t just easily get over it like cancer. You have to take certain medicines just like when you have diabetes. You have to undergo some therapies as you have to when you have a heart disease. It disables a person physically also. The thing is its manifestations are not considered physical by most people, like tiredness, loneliness, or being lethargic, inability to get out of bed, loss of interest of things, anxiety. It’s not “only in the mind” stuff but it’s truly “in the brain”. Sufferers of depression are not just acting to get attention from their loved ones and people around them. Depression is a real thing. Chemical imbalance in the brain is serious. Sometimes, we wish that everyone we meet would also experience it so that they could understand us more but of course it’s a selfish thinking. What we all just hope is that people will be more educated so that there would be no prejudice or preconceived notions about mental illness. In addition, it’s not a matter of faith, whether you have a great faith or a little. It doesn’t mean that God’s grace is little to those who suffer from mental illness. It doesn’t mean that His favor is far from them, or from us. I am a Christian, and I did not ask for it (who would?) nor expect that I will be struck by depression. Yes, His Word reminds us about not to worry, to not be anxious, to be joyful always, that He is with us always, His plans for us are not to harm us, but to prosper us, to give us hope and a future, and so much promises in the Bible. But if we are going to look closely in the Bible, let’s take for example this particular verse, in Mark 2:17, doctors or physicians were mentioned and acknowledged for the sick people, so they are here for a reason, including the psychologists, psychiatrists and other medical experts for mental health. And God also promised in Psalm 103:3, that He heals ALL our disease, I believe it does not exclude mental illnesses, because it was explicitly stated the words “all disease”. And God also showed healing in the New Testament, the stories about Jesus and the sick people. It’s a matter of how God can display and magnify His great power in us, so that His name may be glorified. I also hope that more churches would not just consider mental illness as spiritual attack or some demonic oppression. Church is one of the places where people including those who haven’t known God yet, find it a safe haven for their problems. If those people who are seriously battling depression heard that they just need to have more faith and pray harder, the tendency is that it might get worse because it was impliedly stated that they are not doing enough concerning their spirituality. They might get the wrong idea that their faith is little or that they have no faith at all. They might also misinterpreted that problems and difficulties are with them because they are faithless. And worst, they might think that they are being possessed by the devil that’s why they’re experiencing it. Isn’t it terrifying that the demon is in you? So instead of getting relieved, the sufferers might be terrified and run away from God. I just hope and pray that more Christians would be more opened and encourage those that they meet who silently suffer from mental illness and to the rest of the world where depression is now one of the leading causes of disability. Yes, Jesus is the Great Healer, but what if Jesus also tells us that it is also needed to seek help and take medicines for it? God might be telling to take better care of ourselves and watch out for our bodies’ health for it is His temple and through it we serve and worship Him. I believe that depression is existing for a reason, and that reason is part of God’s great plan for us.

And going back to Mr. de Leon’s mistake and apology, may all of us realize that it’s neither scrutiny nor judgment that we need, it’s love, and if there’s love, there comes understanding and hope for the hopeless ones and there would be a better place, a better world to live in. One of the many things I realized, his mistake yesterday was meant for a greater purpose because October is the month that our country recognizes National Mental Health. Many netizens reacted and I, myself, was surprised by how many people who got upset by his pretty rude comments. May we raise more awareness and continue to spread it and give attention to those who suffer from any type of this disease. And may the mental health bill be passed into law in the Philippines so that there would be an end to the stigma. Let us all lift those people up in prayer who are still suffering from mental illnesses that they might get different kinds of help and support.

P.S.One “side story” that we could get from what happened is that how we humans are prone to mistakes and shortcomings. Mr. Joey de Leon explained his reasons why he said those nasty things. According to him, he knew all along that depression was just stress. Thank God how He made him realize his mistakes and said that he was sorry, in all humility. May we forget his wrongdoing, forget not the awareness of mental health advocacy, extend forgiveness just like how God forgives us and move forward. God’s grace be with us all!

#NationalMentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #EndTheStigma #God'sPurpose #God'sGrace

[metafinnwinchester]

Task 12: Muse Booster

Name: Finnegan “Finn” Winchester

Height: 5′8″

Age in Story: 24

Birthplace: Santa Monica, California

Hair (color, length, style): Finn’s hair is naturally dark brunet with a subtly wavy texture (most of the time he straightens it), but he’s been dying it blond since he was around fifteen. Depending on how far he lets it grow, it can be full blond and shaggy more often spiked up (x), or if he gets it trimmed, it looks neater with more of his natural color showing styled in either a quiff or left flat and swept over his forehead (x) (x). Currently, he’s letting the blond grow out, so his hair color looks like this (x), with the blond slowly fading in his hair.

Race/Nationality: White; American with Irish ethnicity

Regional Influences: Ireland, California

Accent (voice, style of speech, slang, signature words/phrases): Finn has an American accent, some would say he sounds “straight up Californian.” When he gets angry or frustrated, a little bit of an Irish accent picked up from his parents will slip into his voice. Since he grew up with Irish parents, he does on occasion drop some Irish words (he’s been most known to use “hussy” or other insults). He has a way of spewing out random words and phrases he makes up on the fly when talking, but can never remember them. His most popular signature word he’s sticking with is “bitchachos.” Voice clip here.

Religion: Catholic (even if he’s been bad with practicing the last few years)

Marital Status: Engaged to Daniel Bates

Scars/Other Notable Physical Attributes: He has a few freckles on his cheeks, neck, and shoulders. His back is littered with near-faded, red scarred lines from whippings at C.A.R.M.A. He also has a few other scars from fights and bullet wounds.

Handicaps (physical, emotional, mental): PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, some anger issues. Due to C.A.R.M.A erasing some of his memories at one point, and those lost memories being retrieved by telepathic interference from his sister, Finn also has some very minor memory problems. He’s a functional alcoholic, and sometimes his knees get really sore and stiff after too much acrobatic and agility fighting. 

Athletic? Inactive? Overall health?: Very athletic. Going around as Phantom almost every night and fighting bad guys along with regular training helps keep him in shape. He’s in pretty good health despite his frequent drinking.

Style of Dress: Finn is almost always dressed nice, yet casual, with skinny jeans (either blue or black) with either a simple black or white t-shirt, a casual collared shirt (usually with sleeves rolled up) or a t-shirt with a flannel or plain over-shirt. For shoes, he usually wears vans, converse, or boots. Sometimes he’ll wear his glasses.

Favorite Colors: Blue, teal, black, and silver

How does character feel about appearance? He thinks he’s attractive and likes how he looks, although he sometimes does get slightly insecure when it comes to the scars on his back.

Any siblings?: Aislinn Winchester (younger twin sister), and Axel Winchester (younger brother).

Relationship with parents?: His relationship with his parents is fairly normal, and they get along. There was a brief period of time where he and his dad had some tension after he came out, but that was resolved (with some help from Caitlin), and they’re all on speaking terms. Dylan being in C.A.R.M.A has caused the two of them to talk less for obvious reasons, but he still considers himself close to his dad. He respects and looks up to his dad, and he loves his mother a lot and would do anything for her.

Memories about childhood?: He mostly remembers the good times where he and his siblings would terrorize each other (with love of course) and then laugh about it all later after their mom or dad would tell them to knock it off. He also remembers a lot of trips to Ireland to visit the grandparents, and how much he loved those vacations.

Educational background? (Street smart? Book smart?): He attended Stanford University with a focus in Music and Business. Unfortunately, he only made it halfway through junior year before he was arrested by C.A.R.M.A, so he has not earned his degree...yet. Even though most people don’t think so, he’s actually quite book smart, but his street smarts tend to overpower that.

Work Experience: C.A.R.M.A Meta Agent, and vigilante hero Phantom. Not the best things to put on a resume.

Where does the character live now? Describe home. (Emotional atmosphere & physical): Finn lives in a duplex apartment in West Stone with his fiancé Daniel Bates and their three dogs. The home is rather extravagant, spacious, and luxurious, which is just perfect for the two of them, and Finn always finds it easy to relax and chill out there.

Neat or messy?: It depends on his mood and how lazy he feels, but Finn prefers to be neat. Sometimes he just doesn’t have the energy to pick the clothes up off the floor.

Sexuality: Gay.

Morals: Finn isn’t really sure how to describe his morals. He was raised with the value of always trying to do the right thing, but he hit a dark period where morals were thrown out the window when he was forced into C.A.R.M.A. He had no qualms with assassinating a dangerous Meta or torturing a Rebel without guilt. Now that he’s no longer brainwashed, he regrets his past deeds and uses the Hero Squad as a way to “atone” for those by trying to save anyone needing help and stopping crime without killing the bad guy.

Activities: Playing guitar, singing, occasionally writing, running, dog-walking, sex with Danny, training, being a vigilante, drinking

Friends? Pets?: His closest friends are definitely Kelli, Hope, and Alexandra

Enemies? Why?: Sal Bradbury. The man lives to torment him ever since he was forced into and eventually left C.A.R.M.A, and Finn both hates him and weirdly cares about him.

Basic Nature: Finn comes off as extroverted, entertaining, sassy, and charismatic, but he’s a lot more than that. To those who really know him, he’s kind, protective, compassionate, and will go to the ends of the earth of them. He also has an incredibly short-temper, and when he gets angry, he likes to take it out through fighting.

Personality Traits: Feisty, short-tempered, humorous, protective, brave, intuitive, creative, impulsive, strong-willed, friendly, playful, tough, emotionally unstable, strategic, instinctive, smart, caring

Strongest/Weakest Traits: Finn’s strongest traits are definitely his bravery, his caring and protective nature towards his friends and family, and ability to plan strategies for a fight. His weakest would be his emotional instability since he tends to compartmentalize his negative emotions for extended periods of time until they all bubble up in the form of an emotional breakdown. His short-temper has also sometimes gotten him into trouble as well.

What do they fear?: He fears ending up in C.A.R.M.A again as an agent, forced to kill and torture innocent lives. 

What are they proud of?: He’s proud of surviving the worst part of his life spent in C.A.R.M.A, and the fact that he’s out and using his skills to help do good in Pansaw.

Outlook on life: Finn’s outlook on life kinda wavers towards pessimistic realism and rare hopeful optimism towards the future. Life currently sucks, but it could start getting better.

Ambitions: Finn’s ambitions at the moment are to basically try and really move past his former C.A.R.M.A life, keep his family safe and out of C.A.R.M.A’s hands, marry Daniel, and be happy in life. 

Politics: Surprisingly, Finn is really conservative on a lot of things, but more egalitarian with social issues. He absolutely hates social justice warriors; they are the bane of his existence and the reason he grinds his teeth at night. 

How do they see themselves?: Outwardly, Finn sees himself as hot shit, confident, funny, and bold. But deep down, he kind of thinks of himself as a hot mess at the moment. He doesn’t necessarily think he’s a great person, but he likes to think that he’s working on that. 

How are they seen by others?: Others view him as cute and snarky, but rather entertaining. His friends probably see him as a really annoying but lovable brother they trust.

Do I (the writer) like this person? Why? Why not?: I honestly adore Finn as a person, he’s the kind of guy that I’d wanna grab a beer with and be best friends with. He’d be like the older brother I never had.

Most Important Thing About Them: His resillience.

Present Problem: Finn’s current problem is basically that he feels like Sal and C.A.R.M.A have torn his family apart and it started since the day he was arrested. Sal’s been terrorizing him and his parents, putting ideas into his mother’s head and sharing all the recorded footage of his time in C.A.R.M.A being tortured and doing horrible things. His dad is also still in C.A.R.M.A and it’s been harder to see him more often.

How it will get worse: There are a million different ways this could get worse, but for Finn personally, it could only get worse if he somehow ended up back in C.A.R.M.A and being Sal’s “pet” again. He still has nightmares about what happened to him and what went on during his time there.

Their goals in this story?: He kind of wants to try helping make a difference with how Metas are viewed in the world, that not all of them are bad and some can be good and helpful. That’s sort of the reason the Hero Squad was founded; he and the others who started it wanted to use the skills they had to help others.

What traits will help/hurt them in achieving this goal?: His determination, bravery, intelligence, and skills from C.A.R.M.A.

What makes them different from similar characters?: I feel like what makes Finn different is that he takes responsibility for his actions from when he was in C.A.R.M.A, and doesn’t blame them on the fact that he was brainwashed (even if he says otherwise to other people). He also doesn’t really lament on it a lot or let it hinder him from trying to make it right in his own weird way.

Why will readers remember this character vividly?: He’s kind of a goofball and I find him entertaining, but he also has a bit of darkness underneath that he’s trying to overcome.