#and he's still super fun to draw coming back a decade and a half later

[threshasketch]

I bet Near knows how to do all sorts of tricks with a yoyo.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About the First Season of--

Salutations random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

When I first saw the sneak peek of--

...I...didn't...think it would be anything all that special. I love animation, and I love superheroes, so it would go without saying that I would love an animated series about superheroes. But the animation looked a little too stiff for my liking, and aside from featuring J.K. Simmons, there wasn't anything grabbing me when it comes to this show.

Then I heard some s**t goes down at the end of episode one. So, letting my curiosity get the better of me, I binged the entire series in a day to see what the fuss was about. And, um...Yeah. Holy s**t.

This is a series that will very much make you uncomfortable in all the right ways. However, it is a gigantic gorefest at times, so if you get queasy after a single drop of blood, DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW! Trust me, you will not be prepared for what this series has to offer.

At the same time, I highly recommend you watch this series before reading this review. I'm going to spoil major plot points and characters so I can appropriately discuss what I think about the season, so trust me when I say you should click away if you haven't watched it yet. It's one of those series that are better to go in as blind as possible. You can call it a cheap way to appeal to shock value, but I call it one of the best reasons why--

...Is a contender for best-animated series of the decade--That bit with the title card isn't going away anytime soon, is it?

WHAT I LIKE

The Guardians of the Globe vs. The Mauler Twins: This is the best possible way for the series to begin. The first fight scene is bright, colorful, and kinda fun. Thus setting the ultimate expectation subversion in making audiences think that will be the series staple. However, just because it has the energy of a harmless superhero fight, there is a sense of intensity as the Guardians give their all in saving others. Like that moment with Darkwing (Not the duck) as he rescues that woman without hesitation, despite knowing he might die because of it. Or Green Ghost, who just barely rescues all those civilians from that falling debris. It shows that you don't need intense scenes of violence to make a fight scene thrilling to watch.

Diversity Wins: I don't know how diverse the comics are compared to the show, but I'm impressed with how inclusive this series is. So many members of the main cast are people of color, with the main lead being half-Korean. And it's not just different races that the series shines a light on, as we also get the rare, but very much welcomed, animated male gay character. Who's thankfully isn't cliched in ten ways to Sunday...for the most part. It really does seem like writers are starting to grow up and that it's better to be as inclusive as possible instead of pretending certain people don't exist for the sake of "convenience." It might not solve oppression in general, but it certainly makes certain people feel better, even if it is briefly.

Mark Grayson: Mark is a pretty solid super-protagonist if you ask me. Sure, at first, he comes across as whiney...and even more so in later episodes, but he's really an endearing character at times. Mark nails the role of the relatable everyman that's also inspirational with his determination since he never gives up until beaten to the inch of his life. Seriously, while he might not entirely be--

...I guess that bit with the title card really isn't going away.

Anyways, while he might not entirely be invulnerable in the literal sense, he is very much so in the figurative sense. Mark, in so many ways, refuses to call quits once he finally gets the hang of being a superhero, which is what makes him so inspirational. Plus, it's funny seeing how much of a rookie he can be to the gig at times. Mark is far from a perfect lead but is still charming to a fault, and it's nice seeing him grow more heroic each episode. I hope to see him develop more in future seasons, as he has the potential to be ranked higher up as one of my favorite superheroes (it's hard to compete with Spider-Man and Batman, but he'll make me consider it).

Debbie Grayson: This is almost what I expect a mother and wife of superheroes would be. 

Your son is constantly crash landing in your yard? Tell him to knock it off because he's past his curfew. 

Your husband disappeared into another dimension to fight off invaders? Shrug it off and expect that he'll be late for dinner.

It's a ton of fun to watch, and I adore how supportive she is of Mark, despite how much danger he could be in as a superhero. But, what really endears me with Debbie is her complicated feelings with Omni-Man. There's not a doubt in my mind that she loved him with her whole heart, but she also isn't an idiot. She is quick to pick up how unheroic her husband can be at times, often scolding him for it when necessary. And when she finally starts investigating if he really did kill the Guardians, I love that she instantly comes up with every single plausible excuse she can, despite knowing the truth. Because she believes that she knows who Omni-Man is and refuses any possibility that he might be a supervillain. So when she finds out that there really is no other explanation and hearing him call her a pet (big ouch when that happened), you wanna know what she does? She cries. Not because the man she loved is gone forever, but because the idea of him is. And it's that level of emotional devastation that comes from those complicated emotions that make me think Debbie Grayson is the most complex and endearing character on the show. And I. Will. Stand by that.

Seeing the Guardians of the Globe on their down time: Wow, what a cute collection of scenes that are charming as much as they are heartwarming! A set of scenes that show how human these characters are with their close relationships with friends and family! I sure hope it's not followed up with a brutal emotional gut-punch of a scene that will be even more devastating after thinking back on these! Especially with that bit with Martian Man and the little girl, cause OOO-WEE, would THAT tear me up inside!

Omni Man destroying the Guardians of the Globe:...I'd follow through on my joke here, but holy s**t.

That's really the best way I can describe all of this. It is a brutal, I repeat, BRUTAL scene that will stick with you hours after watching it. Not only that, but it's one of the few instances when I was damn near speechless because I couldn't think of anything else to say other than, "Holy s**t." The only time another superhero property did that was Avengers: Infinity War, except with that, the only difference is that the characters come back. Here, except for The Immortal, the Guardians stay dead! There's no magic amulet or alternate versions from another dimension. No, they die and never come back. Thus setting up how serious the show can be. Because if these superheroes can stay dead, then so can others.

Plus, what makes it more impactful is how throughout the entire fight, there was a glimpse of hope that the Guardians can beat Omni-Man. I heard he got nerfed for the sake of drama, and I approve of that decision. Because if he was really--

...If he was really unbeatable, then the fight doesn't have weight to it. There wouldn't be a point in rooting for these characters to win when we already know they're going to lose. But, by showing there's a chance that they could win, it becomes all the more intense watching the fight and even more tragic seeing them lose. It is a masterpiece of a battle that proves once and for all: Batman is right. You need contingency plans.

Omni Man: J. Jonah Jameson has become the one thing he hates the most: A masked MENACE...Ok, I know Omni-Man doesn't wear a mask, so the joke doesn't work as well as it could. But it was served to me on a silver platter, damn it! I had to take it!

In all seriousness, though, Omni-Man might give Homelander a run for his money on best evil Superman. Because while Homelander might be terrifying in his own right with his style of evil, Omni-Man takes it a step up a notch with the mystery behind WHY he killed the Guardians of the Globe. We know right away that there's something off with him, but up until that point, we see multiple instances of Omni-Man doing the right thing rather than the wrong. Sure, he might come off as cold when interacting with people, but so does Batman and other great superheroes in comics. That doesn't mean he's evil. So when he does do something so incredibly heinous, we're left with this mystery as to why. Because there has to be a reason for it all, right? Like, maybe mind control or his family was threatened. Something and anything that means he was forced into killing the noblest of people. So when it turns out that his actions were intentional, it is already pretty devastating. But when we find out why he does these things, it paints how truly evil Omni-Man is, given how little respect he has for human life.

Plus, as terrifying as Homelander is, Omni-Man is ten times more of an engaging villain. With Homelander, what you see is what you get: A narcissist with a god complex. For Omni-Man, it's more or less the same thing, but it's something fed to him because of the conditioning from his planet. There is a tiny, molecule-sized part of him that genuinely cares about others. It doesn't change what he does, nor does it mean he deserves forgiveness (far from it), but it hints that maybe he's not evil because of his own ego. It's because of how he's trained to be. And judging by his pained expressions from Mark's words and the single tear he sheds when leaving everything behind, there's a chance that he might be willing to fight back that mentality.

Or he will stay evil, and that he'll return to do worse things in the future. I don't know. I haven't read the comics. But I feel like I don't need to read anything to tell you all that Omni-Man is up there as one of the most intriguing comic book villains of all time, and I can't wait to see what happens with him next.

This show is f**king Violent: I mean, I refer you back to that scene where Omni-Man destroys the Guardians of the Globe. But, unlike other shows that use violence to force that mature rating, I feel as though In--

...Title card. You were cute the first time, but now your novelty has quickly worn thin.

Anyways, I feel as though this show...uses gore more appropriately. More often than not, death and carnage get treated as a literal joke in adult cartoons because people are sick bastards, I guess. But with...the current series I'm talking about, it all has an impact. No one dies or gets mangled for the sake of shock value or for a laugh. Instead, every instance of this type of violence is to either make a point, set the tone, or prove just how dangerous a specific character is. It makes...the series more mature than most adult cartoons you'll find because it actually brings a worthy discussion for its violence rather than milking it to give the illusion of maturity. And I gotta respect the writers for doing that.

Cecil: This man is basically Nick Fury if he was overpowered but in a good way. There is just something about a man who knows superheroes are needed in the world but also trusts a "hero" like Omni-Man as far as he can throw him. Not only does Cecil have contingency plans for his contingency plans, but the guy also knows to send the right heroes out for the exact missions that require them. Plus, a man is an instant badass when he's stone-faced about a demon saying he'll go somewhere worse than hell and is calm when being face-to-face with an angry Omni-Man.

I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

The title card gets bloodier with each episode: This is just a really cool gimmick. It proves how intense this show can really be and how the stakes get higher and higher with each installment. Also, I like to think the amount of blood that splashes over the title card reflects how brutal the episode will be, especially with episode eight, 'cause holy hell.

The plot structure: The way the story works is very similar to how a comic book series handles its overarching narrative. Even though the writers begin a new arc that continues for a handful of issues, the overall main plot still develops in the background of the current adventure the hero goes through. That's basically how--

>Intense inhale<

>Calm exhale<

That's basically how THIS SHOW operates. Each episode can be seen as its own story that's given a ton of room to develop with its forty-five-minute runtime (which blew my f**king mind when I started binging it). Despite that, there's still a great sense of continuity. Everything involving Omni-Man and the mystery behind his murder of the Guardians gets fleshed out throughout the season, even when it takes the background of Mark's escapades. It really does feel like sitting down and taking the time to read an entire volume of comics, which I like to believe is the intention. After all, what's the point of making a series about superheroes if you don't make it feel like a comic book at least once?

Dark Blood: I desire a series based on this character alone. I know it's probably just Hellboy, but I want it. 

The idea of a demon solving murder crimes to work off his debt in Hell is too much of a remarkable concept to strictly be a c-plot in one series. Give Dark Blood a spin-off, damn it!

The Realistic Portrayal of a Superhero world: Unlike certain superhero properties--*cough* DC *cough*--it's--

>Huff<

>Puff<

>HUFF<

>PUFF<

>HUFF<

It's. This. F**KING. SHOW! That really does an excellent job at portraying how much it would suck to live in a world of superheroes. Sure, you got the cool battles and awe-inspiring heroes with incredible powers, but do you know what else you get? Hundreds upon thousands of people dying from the very threats those heroes fight against. Not to mention all the realistic physics that come from people like Mark trying to save others. Just look at how mangled that old woman looked when he attempted to help her. It, uh...It sure did not look great. Don't get me wrong, I love superheroes and the worlds they live in. But when watching a show like...this one, it really makes me appreciate how I don't live in those worlds with them.

It’s Still Funny: This is something I appreciate the most. When most superhero shows go for the realistic approach, they go with the doom and gloom route, making everything so melodramatic about how serious the world is. But here's the thing: Superheroes are f**king stupid.

Don't tell me they're not because they are. Superheroes have cornball hero names, bright costumes, and logos on their foreheads, chests, belts, and what-have-you. Taking a superhero too seriously is the worst mistake you could make, which is why I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Say what you want about Marvel having "too many jokes," but at least they know it's for the best to laugh at themselves and embrace the weirdness. It's something similar with...you know what. Because while the series tells a serious and realistic story about superheroes, it's still a story about superheroes. So it tells some jokes and some pretty funny ones at that. Because while it's essential to include some drama in a story such as the one in...you know what, it's just as important to never forget to have some fun.

“Earth is not yours to conquer.”: Such a great line that gains an even greater meaning once we fully know who Omni-Man is. The main creditor for how effective it is goes to J.K. Simmons for making the line sound explicit yet implicit at the same time.

Allen the Alien: ...It is an absolute crime that this character only has about six minutes of screentime. Allen is such a bro, partially because of Seth Rogan's performance, that I would honestly be upset if he doesn't show up more often in later seasons. Seriously, bring him back for more.

The Mauler Twins: Thankfully, these characters get as much attention as they deserve. The banter between the Mauler Twins is always entertaining, often being the comedic highlights at times. On top of being funny, they also work as efficient villains who can come across as threatening at times.

But what I love most of all about these two is the explanation behind the cloning process. The reasoning of why neither character remembers which one is the cone is a brilliant idea that I'm surprised no one else did in the past (to my knowledge). It also provides some excellent fruit for thought in wondering if it really is better to live your life not knowing if you're a clone or not. The whole thing is great to watch, and it makes me really glad for their inclusion...too bad they had to be forced into a story that makes a character look like a reckless superhero and an inconsiderate jackass to his friend. Seriously, what was up with that?

“That Actually Hurt”: This just might be my favorite episode of the first season. Machine Head is both equally hilarious and devious, Titan might just be my favorite character due to how intriguing his allegiances and motivations are, that final fight was the perfect amount of brutal, and we get the biggest hint of the man Omni-Man really is. Having him simply watching Mark instead of flying in to help him actually shocked me the first time seeing it. It's not until we learn what a Viltrumite really is that it becomes clear as to why. He doesn't care about saving his son but instead seeing Mark reach the same potential Omni-Man did during that smash fest the planet went through to reach perfection. And something tells me he felt more disappointment than sadness after seeing his son get nearly killed by Tony the Tiger (I know he has an actual name...but this is funnier to me). It's such a solid moment with great implications that just so happens to exist in an even greater episode.

Eve deciding to just help people for the heck of it: I actually love this idea more for the potential it has rather than what actually happens so far. Because the main reason why heroes don't fly around and solve every little minute problem people have is that they need to learn how to act without help. If you suddenly make food appear out of thin air or stopping forest fires, you're doing good, but there's also potential harm that comes from it. I think back to that episode of The Powerpuff Girls, where the townspeople are so idiotic and complacent with having their heroes solve every problem that they really can't think or act for themselves. A similar thing can happen with Eve if she's not careful. Even worse, if she keeps trying to end famine for farmers, because she might get into a Supergirl situation with people building a cult around her. And, you know, that's not going to be fun.

But again, that's just the potential that this presents. We--Or the people who haven't read the comics--don't know if Eve will actually face this issue. Regardless, we still get some solid moments that proves just how much Eve is a true hero in this series as she has no other motive to help people other than she just wants to. And I actually think that's pretty cool.

The Immortal’s rematch: I gotta hand it to the guy. Not a second after being brought back to life, and The Immortal's already flying off to get revenge on the bastard who killed his closest friends in the world. Or, globe, I guess.

I respect that, to be honest.

(As a bonus, The Immortal causing Omni-Man's eyes to become bloodshot adds to how evil he'll be in the last episode)

Mark trying to snap his dad out of mind-control: Oh, I felt that.

I'm pretty sure we all felt that.

Ow...Big ow.

The Train Scene: ...This is the most horrific thing I have seen in entertainment. Seriously, while Omni-Man annihilating the Guardians left me speechless, this is another level. Because him using Mark's body to kill a train full of people ramming into them, leaving Mark all the more helpless to stop it, makes a scene that is so...so hard for me to describe how effectively f**ked up it is. It's one of those moments where just by seeing it, you know why it's awful in all the right ways. And I will never forget the look of shock and horror on my face when it reflected onto my laptop's screen after the scene briefly cut to black soon after the carnage. Because if that doesn't explain how unmerciful this moment is, I don't know what will.

Saving Mark after the fight: I really love this because as it flashes between still images of people carrying Mark away after his brutal fight with Omni-Man, it really feels like you're reading a comic from panel to panel. It’s pretty neat. I won’t lie.

WHAT I DISLIKE

The Animation isn’t that great: Now, in terms of action, the animation is fantastic. You feel the impact of each attack, there are some creative uses of powers, and the gore is better implemented because it's all animated. As for everything else...yeah, it kinda sucks. Movements are a little stiff at times, the CGI backgrounds could use a bit more polish, and don't get me started on the CGI crowds of people. I understand the shortcuts that need to be taken to make everything else more effective, but man, this series needed a little more time in the oven before being shown to everyone. It's never too bad, but it can be pretty distracting at times.

Amber: F**k Amber. Just f**k her. Everything people tell you that is wrong with her is one-hundred percent on point. She is easily one of the worst love interests, and to me, it has everything to do with the fact that she knows Mark is--

...That she knows Mark is--

...

...

...ThatsheknowsMarkisInvinci--

--BECAUSE IT INVALIDATES ANY POINT SHE HAS, GOSH DANGIT! I don't give a single S**T if she's upset that he's late all the time! If Amber was always unaware of it, then I would understand. But having her know means that she thinks her issues are more important than Mark, oh, I don't know, SAVING THE PLANET! I mean, the girl helps feed the homeless! You would think she would understand.

But fine. Maybe Amber's just upset that Mark's lying to her. Sure. That's understandable...BUT WHAT THE F**K IS UP WITH HER BLOWING UP IN HIS FACE FOR NOT HELPING ANYBODY AT THE COLLEGE WHEN SHE KNOWS HE'S HELPING EVERYBODY!? Even if it's her giving Mark one last chance to tell her the truth (which is a mile of a stretch, and you know it), did she really expect him to reveal his secret with tons of people watching? That is a crazy expectation that no one should live up to!

Amber is quite possibly the worst thing about this show. She was fine at first, and her chemistry with Mark was on point, but MAN, did she get worse later on.

And if I see one mother f**ker calling me a racist because I don't like this character who just so happens to be black...I'm going to be upset, not gonna lie. Because that is a cheap shot to dismiss any criticism, especially since her race has NOTHING to do with why people hate her...Or, at least, most people.

Edit (5/27/2021): Disregard the above. The long and short is that I don’t like Amber. She just doesn’t sit right with me for the reasons that her anger towards Mark just never felt entertaining to me in comparision to everything else. But saying her thoughts and arguements are invalid is not cool, and I’m sorry to both any readers who are black or especially female who would be upset by this.

Rex-splode: I understand the point behind Rex. He's a character who we're supposed to hate, so it becomes so much more satisfying seeing others s**t on him. But those characters are hard to get right if you’re not careful. Make them too irritating, then any suffering they go through will seem too little. Make them not annoying enough, and their punishments can be too harsh. Rex fits into the "too irritating" category. It's satisfying to see Monster Girl wreck his s**t after he started commenting how ineffective she might be, but with what he pulled with Dupli-Kate, I feel as though he might deserve worse. Although I will admit Rex gets slightly better in later episodes, showing at least a smidgen of character development. But I don't think it's enough to make his a**holeness worth it. Still, I hope he at least becomes above decent in the next few seasons, which is way more than what I can say for Amber.

(Seriously, writers, if she just disappears without an ounce of an explanation in the season premiere, I won't question it. You have my word.)

Edit: I no longer agree with what I crossed out, but I won’t delete it either. I want people to know the mistake I made so I can prove that I changed in the future.

Robot cloning himself to be with Monster Girl: ...Nope! 

Nope!

Changed my mind.

I am NOT touching that.

I will touch a lot of things, but I will not touch--That came out wrong.

Please forget you read anything.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Let’s move on

Transitioning to the title card: Here it is! The nitpickiest of all nitpicks! But, seeing how it happens in every episode, meaning that the writers have no choice but to commit to it, means it's one of those things that viewers are forced to get used to. And boy, is the transition to the title card hard to get used to! Oh, you thought it was annoying how it kept happening in this review? Well...fair enough. But trust me when I say it's much more aggravating in the show.

The funny thing is, I had no problem the first time it happened. It was a cute way to introduce the character as well as the title of the series. But having that be the basis for transitioning to the title card every time was a gimmick that got old real quick. Especially since every time that a character says the word--

--it always feels forced. What's even more annoying is that sometimes it interrupts characters as they're saying invin--

LIKE! F**KING! THAT! Because interrupting someone before they say something is one thing, but doing so as they're saying it shows a sense of bad timing. Not even that, because this is something that I feel like could have been the easiest to change in the series by having someone go, "Hey, maybe we should edit out this single second."

It's laziness that doesn't happen often, but it still grinds my gears a bit. Plus, is there really no other smoother transition the writers could come up with? Did they really believe this is the best way to do it?

Think, writers! THINK!

It's fine to have a gimmick, but this is one that really shouldn't have any follow-through on.

-------------

That's about all the issues I have with the show. It's far from perfect, but still, an A- is pretty impressive work. The stuff that this series does right not only outnumbers the mistakes but also heavily outweighs them. Besides, no show in the history of creativity has ever been perfect in its first season. There are always dents that need to get buffed out and improve upon for the subsequent seasons to come. Only then can a series truly be Invincible from all criticism.

...

...Oh, sure. 

SURE!

NOW it lets me say it!

GOSH, DANGIT, I HATE THAT TITLE CARD!

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: Terror of the Terra-Firmians!  (Lena Retrospective) (Commission by WeirdKev27): Launchpad Looses his Last Brain Cell and I Loose My Patience

Welcome back Weblena Warriors to the second part of my look at everyone’s favorite Emo Teen Shadow Lesbian Duck... and probably the only one but hey, semantics, Shadow Into Light, which was made possible by viewers like you, the ultra humanite and a commission from WeirdKev27. Picking up where we left off, we have our first episode that has a different intended order than airing order. 

As most of you probably remember, but some of you who joined later might not be aware of the broadcast order for the first half of season one is, in the academic sense, pretty fucked. It’s not Darkwing Duck’s entirely fucked by a web of badger spiders and a queen snake on top to make it some sort of train situation, but by just sorta airing whatever episodes they wanted to, Disney messed with the character balance so Huey got less focus, not that he got a ton of focus this season but still, as well as leaning into the episodes focusing more on the kids with less involvement from the adults which gave the wrong impression about the series. While it IS very focused on the triplets and webby, the show isn’t entirely about them, but as Frank has mentioned a few times, Disney Channel apparently has this WEIRD thing where they assume kids won’t like stories starring the adult characters. 

Yeah I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while. Mostly how it’s so dumb I could swear Pauly Shore was an exec at Disney Channel. And he might be I don’t know what he’s doing these days and i’d like to keep it that way. For starters, the Scooge comics, while barely published in the US these days, are still popular globally and have appealed to kids and adults for generations and are mostly focused on him, with the kids in a supporting role and Ducktales, you know the thing your directly remaking here, was also mostly about him with the triplets supporting, if a bit less than the comics. Most of the Disney Afternoon was about adult characters, with any kids in side roles in the main cast. And it comes off entirely hypocritical of them to say this when the MCU is easily marvel’s biggest cash cow at the moment, and marvel properties have appealed to both kids and adults, like the duck comics, for decades. And if it’s because the marvel cartoons weren’t doing well , I’ll let you in on a little secret: Those didn’t do well because they looked bland and from what I’ve seen of them felt kind of bland, though I haven’t seen enough to fully judge. Kids LIKE adult characters as much as kid characters, and also like teen characters despite not being teens. Focusing on either is valid and while I LIKED Disney’s youth starring shows I also want another X-Men cartoon before I turn 50, and I bet kids would like that too, with the last one only failing because you bailed on it because you were throwing a hissy fit over fox having the movie rights, and do not get me started on that. Point is this argument is horse shit and should stay in the stables. 

So yeah I do think this episode came too soon and it’s placement effected it at the time and as such it dosen’t have the best rep with the fandom aside from the Lena bits and that includes me. The fact it was very early in the series and the characterizations hadn’t yet sunk in really hurt this episode in places but is it really that bad? Join me under the cut to find out

We open at the movies! Which scrooge apparently hasn’t been too since the 1930′s or seen any on video despite Della existing and being really stubborn. 

A rant for another episode. But the kids just got out of a Mole Monster movie, along with Lena, Beakly and Launchpad. Their reactions are as follows: Lena, Webby and Dewey really enjoyed it, Huey found it unrealistic... says the boy whose uncle fought a dragon made of gold a month or two back but we’ll get to that, and Louie was bored and felt it didn’t have enough of the ultra violence, kids these days it’s not about the gore it’s about the tension. And Beakly.. is just pissed Lena tricked them into seeing this and said it was educational. And the more I think about it the more this sounds like BEAKLYS fault than Lena’s. BEAKLY is the one who likely bought the tickets, who saw it was likely an r or pg-13 and who as we’ve seen HAS A PHONE, and ulnike scrooge probably isn’t so stingy she wouldn’t spring for a smart phone, so she could’ve just googled it, or whatever bird related pun is in this version.. gandered it.. yeah let’s go with that, gandered it, and SEEEN it wasn’t appropriate or walked htem out of the theater and ate the cost if she was that bothered by it. Sitting through a Horror Movie you didn’t research, didn’t pull the kids out of and dind’t bother to even check the poster for or use basic common sense is YOUR fault. And this could’ve worked fine, had Lena talk the kids into begging for it or had launchpad take them and have Beakly find out after, having driven to pick them up as she didn’t trust launchpad to take them home. Instead it makes the former super spy look REALLY stupid and feels really out of character for a SPY to not to do research. And it wasn’t like they decided on this later, Bentina being a spy was part of the character’s backstory from day one and its made clear as early as episode 2 in both airing orders. This is just lazy writing to justify the episode and I expect better from this crew. 

But an argument errupts between Huey and Webby over the Terra-Firmians, a hidden race of rock people living in Duckburg’s discontinued sewer system, allegedlys. So Lena suggest simply going down which gets a disapproving look from Beakly, despite you know this being their bread and butter, and the fact that if she had a problem with Scrooge not being involved.. she could just call him. Exploring fabled rock people is something he’d be into. I mean there’s a low profit margin but it also costs him almost nothing to walk to the theater or have launchpad swing around and pick him up. Just gas which given how much he pays for jet fuel isn’t a big ask. But Beakly soon gets distracted by Launchpad whose convinced the film is real and is attacking the poster a grim sign of things to come as while Beakly annoyed me in this one on rewatch, especially after realizing the above... Launchpad annoyed me both times and for VERY good reason we’ll get into. This provides a distraction and allows the trio to escape. Cue titles. 

After the title sequence, our heroes head deeper underground, there’s too much panic in this town... I mean props to Donald for trying something new but he really needs to rethink his cologne choices. Sex Panther is just.. not a good smell on.. anyone. 

So our heroes journey through the depths of the subway system, and we find out part of why Huey’s so skeptical, as he finds anything that isn’t in the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook to not exist, though the cracks in this already show as he’s added anything that does. We’ll get back to this later but as you can tell the basic dynamic for 24 minutes is Webby being a wholehearted True Believer and Huey being a Skeptical Sally. And Lena is just sorta “Eh gives me an excuse for shenanigans” about it. We also get a peak into webby’s mind as we see her notes .. which really just come off as Terra-Firmian fanfiction involving a war of succession between two sides, the terra’s and the firmies, something based on previous media, and also some doodles of a fictional candy called webby-dings and herself as a superhero, both things I want to see. 

But yeah the first third of the episode is pretty simple, just them journeying, the occasional shift in the firmament, and it’s not bad, and there are a few great bits: Huey nerds out about rocks, and finds them way more interesting than a possible rock monster.

Which leads to the best gag of the episode as when Huey tries to pick up a big sample Webby, annoyed at his hyperfixation on the JWG, asks him to ask his book for help.. which he does by reading it and actually manages to pick the large rock up. This is halted though when Lena screams.. though she really just did it to draw them to an abandoned subway car full of glomgold posters for glomgold products because of course a failed subway project has his name plastered over it. You can’t spell glomgold without failure.. the failure is silent. Glomgold is not. 

The fun is interuptted though by a livid Beakly who had realized they were missing in an earlier scene, after telling the Manager that McDuck Industries would pay for the poster.. and then found out Launchpad also destroyed the toilets “They come up thorugh the sewers!”. Launchpad that’s CHUDS, Ninja Turtles and Rats who raised Ninja Turtles like their own sons, mole people dig or use old mineshafts. It’s basic mole science. Also Beakly really shouldn’t sweat it, I just assumed the city has had a runnig bill witht he company for “McDuck Family and Employee Related Accidents, Mayhem and Shenanigans”. I mean he’s had Gyro on his payroll for at least a decade and a half by the series start, Gyro has leveled whole sections of city in an afternoon more than most giant monsters. Of which several have destroyed Duckburg. It got better. 

Point is she’s livid about them sneaking off with Lena pointing out their some sort of adventure family and Beakly.. saying she won’t see them again, or at least implying it hard. I’ll put a pin in this, as the train buckles and a bit of seismic, or rock men, activity means their stuck. So they divide into teams: Beakly will go try and unhook the train car from the busted cars so they can ride out, Launchpad will go try and fix it, and we get this lovely exxchange as a result

Launchpad: Cool never crashed a train before Beakly: Can’t you try driving it without crashing it? Launchpad: Wha? 

His face in that scene is priceless. He takes Dewey along. More on that in a second. Webby, Huey and Louie are told to stay put with Beakly only bringing Lena along because she dosen’t trust her. So since we have three split plots for a second... let’s split up gang, starting with the most aggrivating, middling with what you all came here for and why this is part of the retrsopective, and ending with the plot that directly heads into the final part of the episode. 

Launchpad and Dewey: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay starting with the most infamous plot and easily the worst part of this episode, probably the worst plot in any Ducktales 2017 episode. That’s not hyperbole it’s really that bad and really pissed people off, as fans of the original launchpad felt they made him overly stupid. This is where the airing order’s a problem as putting an episode with a subplot where one of your characters is obnoxiously dumb right up front means they assume this is his charcter and not just one poorly written chapter in a very dumb but very loveable characters life, likely because the writers hadn’t figured out how to properly scale his stupidity with comptience. 

So as a result we get a good 3-4 mintutes if not agonizingly more of Launchpad assuming something he saw in a fucking movie film was real. That.. that’s his actual plot. Need I remind you, he’s in his late 20′s early 30′s. He’s not much older than me. While other episodes have him as dim this one claims he CAN’T TELL FACT FROM FICTION. 

There are lines you have to keep with your characters to keep the audience from hating them. They crossed it about 80 times with this plot and make Launchpad into a gibbering dunderhead who can’t do anything right versus a regular dunderhead whose good at one or two things and loveable enough for us to like him and not care about his numerous safey violations and child endagerment charges. Thankfully this is the ONLY episode that gets this bad and they clearly learned from this, but it dosen’t make it any less of a tough sit. 

Dewey spends most of the subplot with a look on his face that just screams that he’s as done with this bullshit as we are, as Launchpad assumes he’s a mole person and brought along a pipe to presumibly bludgeon him, because wanting to cave his best friends skull in over stupidity is a GREAT look> Thankfuly he does not. And when the lights come back on Launchpad.. assumes he’s a monster because of bright light, GAH, and locks him out before they end up outside and the plto resolves itself by Dewey pointing out by Launchpad’s utterly baffling logic that he could be a mole monster, so Launchpad.. assumes he is. 

The subplot’s later buttoned up as he claims “I love being a mole monster”, again diffrent subteranian creature launchpad, she says he’s not and my suffering is thankfully at an end. This plot just sucks, it’s bad, overly stupid and dosen’t work with an adult character. Someone like say Ed from Ed, Edd N Eddy, or someone who belivies in weird conspiracy stuff like Dale Gribble or Stan Pines. with either of them this plot would’ve been fucking great. I could buy it from Dale and it just comes off as his normal paranoid weirdness. With Launchpad it comes off like he seriously needs help because the episode frames it as if he can’t tell ficton from reality, and his splotlight episode later would directly contridct this and make this episode even more aggrivating, as he’s a fan of Darkwing Duck, and KNOWS it’s acted out by an actor, so why wouldn’t he get this? It’s just....

It sucks, it sucks and I thankfully get to move on to a better subplot

Beakly and Lena: What You Are in the Dark

Beakly tells Lena she’ll never see Webby again after this.. then chastises her when she won’t help despite you know having just said she’s going to force their friendship apart, which Lena points out. She then gets mad at Lena making a sarcastic comment at her. Okay she’s lived with Louie for at least a week in airing order and a month or two in actual order. She has to be used to this by now. She’s insolent.. because you show her no respect, blame her for something that while sure she talked you into, you should’ve known better, and top it off by saying you want to keep her from the kids because they have bright futures and come from good familes and asks who rasied her and her face.. well.

Yeah wheras Launchpad and Huey, more on that in a second, were hurt by this being some of their earliest big roles, Bentina wasn’t.. until later when we found out just HOW bad Magica is to Lena and how much she dosen’t care about her other than as a tool to use. At this point we didn’t know just how much Lena was playing webby, how much she was only manipulating her, and even with her heroic act here we didn’t know if she only saw Webby as her way to break free. The next episode makes it clear she dosen’t and genuinely does care, 100%, so in hindsight it makes Bentina come off as ghoulsih for horribly asssuming about a girl she dosen’t know, and even if she did know about Magica wouldn’t know the full story, just like us, and then BERATING her after already saying she’s going to rip her away from Webby, which itself is PRETTY bad as she’s the only friend the girl has and sh’es doing so on... talking them into a horror movie, which as I outlined was more Bentina’s fault than Lena’s, and leading the kids into a dangerous place whicha gain, Lena pointed out is something she lets Scrooge do. And trust me i know that she actually knows Scrooge, and we later find out, as we’ll cover next month, that she isn’t ware HOW dangerous things are with Scrooge. It dosen’t change the fact she knows they do dangerous stuff to a point and that Lena may just be acting out. It also dosen’t change the fact she drove three children, yes including launchpad, down here with her instead of sending them home with Launchpad.. granted that option isn’t the safest but it’s safer than taking her with them thena cting like it’s ALL lena’s fault when three of the children, again including launchpad, are down there because of HER. Not Lena, HER. I’m harder on her because she’s older, wiser and was “raised properly” apparently. Though given the way she treats a random teen off the street she again knows nothing about and dind’t bother to ask... it begs the question. 

IT’s a good question. I could see the classism coming from being raised in 40′s and 50′s britain, judging by the timeline.. but even then she’s seen the world, and while her nature is supscious, the classit bullshit makes no sense after presumibly working with, and later spymastering for, various agents of various backgrounds. How has she not dropped this in decades. Scrooge very clearly dropped the racisim and homophobia of his time, so it still stands  on her for not dropping this. And Lena’s hurt shows under hte mask for the first time, that beneath the snark and secrecy.. is just an abused teenager with nowhere else to go and no way out being bullied by an older woman whose cutting off the only light at the end of the tunnel nto for good reason but out of classist, overprotective mallice.  My issues, which to be fair probably were intentional in the episode but sitll are a bit overblown, aside we do get an absoluttley tremendous moment later as a car falls on top of Beakly.. and Magica, speaking once more urges Lena to leave her, let her die and let their plans progress. And while that iself is.. dumb, what if someone finds her or her corpse later, especially since Scrooge would likely perosnally want to retrive the body to give her a proper burial as she’s his only friend at this point, or the rest of the family questoin the story?, it fits Magica’s lack of foresight we see throughout the season. But Lena... saves her. While she later gives an explination, and a valid one at that, it’s clear from her expressoin, her actoins and how she does it... that this is her. Part of it is defiance, as she glares at Magica before doing it, her own stubborn nature mixed with her hatred of her “aunt”, meaning Magica just made it all too easy for her to do this. But the real reason is clear: It’s the right thing to do. While pissing off her aunt and getting away with it is the cherry on top.. the real reason is that unlike Magica.. Lena is not a killer, not a monster, and not a heartless vacum ofa person. Even if she doesn’t like Beakly, for good reason.. she can’t, she WON’T leave her to die and leave Webby an orphan again. She loves Webby too much to do that to her and while she may deny it.. she’s too good a person to leave someone to die for something so petty. Even if she never sees webby again and the plans ruined. It’s better than the weight of knowing she let someone who wasn’t trying to harm her and whose actions, while terrible, were out of misguided protection of her granddaughter, die like this. She saves her. And as we’ll see it pays off.. but before that. 

Huey, Webby and Louie: Into the Unknown This plot’s a bit shorter, as Webby and Huey continue their argument, with Louie eventually making it clear, and not even hiding it when directly asked by Huey, that he’s playing both sides with a delighted expression on his face as the movie was boring but this, this is interesting. Which it is. But it’s interupted by dings on the roof and while Huey assumes i’ts just a regular rock, it moves while their not lookiung.. and soon red eyed, horrifying beasts look out at them and the kids flee back to the car. This dosen’t pan out as the car starts to shake and is clearly going to collapse.. and while Webby and Louie are prepared to flee, rock monsters or no, Huey, in an utterly heart shattering image.. stays in place, terrified of moving. 

This is where this plot goes from mildly aggrivating, as Huey’s Skeptic shenanigans can get on the nerves.. to BRILLIANT. See at the time this was more annoying because it was assumed the skepticsim would be a part of Huey’s character and we’d get more episodes of him being annoying only to be proven wrong, as he semeingly dosen’t learn his lesson at this point, looging the terrafrimians in the guide book. But on rewatch.. this plot is amazing.  For starters the plot subtly introduced the defening characteristic of Huey’s personality, one that’s become more prounounced in Season 3: His need for Order. He needs things to make sense: He solves stuff because he likes there to be order in the world and something he can understand, he can put in a box in his head. Like a lot of neurotypical people, myself included, he struggles horribly when the clearly defined boxes of his life and things he undestand have wrinkles or complexities he can’t get. I for instnace easily got it when I was introduced to the concept of trans people or being non binary.. they just make sense in hindsight: given how our brains are messya nd complicated it makes sense some people would be born in the wrong ones, and tht with all the science and medicine we have to correct that, should be allowed to transition if they so choose. It makes equal sense that some people just don’t have a gender or are gender fluid, being both or neither. Despite struggling with non binary prounouns due to force of habit.. I get the concept with no real difficulty. But when it comes to accepting I don’t have to apologize for everything and that everyone is not angry or that anger is natural and people sometimes get mad and you can’t and shouldnt’ fix it.. it’s something I STRUGGLE with even knowing it’s not right, because my brain is just wired that way. 

That’s how Huey’s struggle comes off here.. he reveals he’s willing to stay and die.. because he’s SO scared of the unknown, that the idea of dying from something he at least knows what it is versus something he dosen’t.., so paralizyed by his own brain he can’t figure out the obvious.. it takes Webby reaching out to him figuratively and literally, to show him that sometimes you have to face the unknown. The unknown is fucking terrifying.. but it can be good and it’s better than sitting there, scared and unable to move. You have to try, to grow and take that risk that things may not go well to really LIVE. 

So he does.. and they reunite with the rest of the group.. and soon find the terrafirmains.. who as it turns out once we get some light on them... are actually just goofy looking,  brightly colored, each one matching one of the kids, kids themselves, and Huey reaches out and touches one, which by ET logic means their friends now, and the terrafirmians help them get out. And this lesson sticks. While sure Huey catalogues it and it seems it didn’t.. he’s never this skeptical again. This douchey skepticsim was only for one episode, his fear of the uknown replcaed with boundless curosity and from here on he’s CURIOUS about new stuff as long as it’s not trying to kill him. He loves taking in new experinces, maybe not to webby levels but he does actually try them and study them instead of just fearing them. 

Before we wrap things up, obviously we need to talk about the JWG not having entries on a lot of stuff. This would be corrected next season as it returns to being a big book of everything, but dosen’t completely contridct this as Timephoon! shows there’s stillcgaps.. which i’m fine with. While it knowing EVERYTHING was fine for the original series here, with things being slightly more groudned, it’d just be an obvious plothole if Huey didn’t use it every single time they ran into something and that’d get boring. Instead it’s simply that it dosen’t know everything, and really in the comics at times it didn’t and the triplets found out new things. It knew almost everything mind you, but having some gaps for dramatic tnesion is fine with me and Seasons 2 and 3 decided on that instead of just having it being a scouting manual which wa sfor the best. And even by later in the season hit has guides to getting a small buisness loan, so they already course corrected. 

So everything’s wrapped up and while Magica berates Lena for disobeying her.. Beakly interputps, thankfully not seeing magica and admits she was wrong and invites Lena for pancakes, even taking a crack about if their actually pancakes or english muffins with syrup, which sounds like my own living hell, in stride, having clearly grown. And Lena explains to Magica that this was the better approach: now she’s got the in theyw anted, and is above suspcison for now. Still not so much that an obvious act won’t be detected but enough that she dosen’t ahve to work actively around her anymore. Magica scoffs.. and while part of it is probably rage.. part of it is deep down both of them know she did it out of defiance.. and only Lena knows that she did it for the right reasons... she just dosen’t get why. She probably justifies it as playing the long game.. but deep down she knows something’s changing about her.. and she’s not sure if that’s a godo thing or not. 

Final Thoughts: This episode is as you can tell a mixed bag. It’s 2/3 of a good episode, with the Lena plot, my issues aside, being excellent and the Terra-Firmian plot likewise fun, even if Huey can get grating the payoff is worth it, and the jokes are really high quality. It’s just bogged down by that fucking launchpad plot that just crushed my soul in it’s palms every time it came back. I went on at length why i hated that one but boy oh boy was the hate of that subplot warranted and I stand by calling it the worst plot of the series. It is: it’s not funny, it makes no goddamn sense, and it drags down what’s otherwise a pretty solid epsiode.

Next Time on Lena: Jaws the shark, lurking in the dark, in the depths of the bin one day of a lark decides to get rowdy, get real violent takes a vacay out to Duckburg er.. Island.. also Scrooge faces his greatest Nemesis.. a PR Tour to clean up his image after an unfortunate giant Beanstalk Incident. Be there and be hip to be square. 

Next Time on This Blog: I Tackle a DCOM for the first time for another commissioned review as we take a look at racisim, specifically Apartheid and breaking indoctrination, with The Color of Friendship. See you next Rainbow. 

[davidmann95]

So... Crossover #1: any thoughts?

Anonymous said: You seemed not to think much of Crossover #1 on Twitter. Your full thoughts?

wcwit said: So Cates' Crossover #1, best bad comic of the year or just regular pretentious trash?

An incidental note upfront: What you’re seeing there is the apparently SUPER-RARE SECRET VARIANT COVER I unwittingly picked up at the store - at first glance indistinguishable from the standard cover, the kid getting four-color-fucked by mysterious comic book rays is in fact themselves reading a variant cover of the book, rather than the main cover again in an infinite painting-within-a-painting sort of deal that’s the standard.

So I wasn’t gonna get this: my initial post on the comic and what an obviously awful idea it was back when we only knew half the premise and it was known as Pray The Capes Away actually got some out-of-nowhere traction recently, and I’ve grown rapidly tired of Cates’ Marvel work. Even learning that it was going to be Image’s biggest debut in decades - Jesus fuck, how and why - mostly just made me wish it was Commanders in Crisis getting those kinds of numbers. But Sean Dillon/@deathchrist2000 and Ritesh Babu both got early looks at it and assured me that I, specifically, needed to see the last page, so in I dove. I’ll be posting my reaction to the last page below because I recorded it for their amusement, and below that I’ll talk about said last page. It may surprise you, however, that that wasn’t my main takeaway from the issue.

Let’s accentuate the positive first! This book is gorgeous. Geoff Shaw was terrific back with Thanos Wins, but this is an incredible stylistic level-up aided and abetted by Dee Cunniffe’s colors: it’s rote as hell to say “They mix the elevated and the mundane so well!”, but even beyond the obvious ben-day dots stuff there’s such a tangible sense that the comic book beings don’t belong here, that they’re of higher, misty, platonic stuff and we squishy non-paper-people inevitably crumble and break and bleed in their wake, communicating that big idea so much more powerfully than the actual loads of text on the subject. And if we’re talking good things, I’ll concede it’s possible that there could be subtleties that play out in more interesting ways as it goes on, and that not everything is meant to be taken at face value: a smart friend who actually did like it mentioned being interested in it as clumsy but potentially effective exploration of ‘what if the fun hobby you had inadvertently became contaminated and stigmatized by forces beyond your control?’ In a post-Comicsgate world where we recently ended up inches away from the Superman logo almost certainly becoming a fascist propaganda symbol ala the Punisher skull for at least a generation, that’s a defensible lens to view this book through.

For all Donny Cates’ legitimate talents however, I don’t think an expectation of subtlety is gonna work out with this one.

Okay first off getting into the rest of it the main characters’ name is Ellipsis because “Those three little dots...they can become anything”, so there’s that. More importantly, in the world of this story where comic fans face social oppression after superpeople materialize and fuck up Colorado, they face EVERY KIND OF OPPRESSION: there are clear parallels drawn in here to the violence and harassment faced by people persecuted for their religion, people seeking abortions, queer people, and people of color; this motherfucker even drops a “hates and fears” to let us know comic collecting basically makes you one of the goddamn X-Men. Which in theory could be a purely misjudged allegory rather than stemming from actual, obscenely inflated to the point of disgusting fears of ‘nerd oppression’, except that the book literally opens with a quote from Wertham. If Cates didn’t want to make the message “Hating comics? That’s bad. Like, racism bad”, he utterly, grotesquely failed by inextricably intermingling imagery of real-world bigotry with systemic, deluded fanboy paranoia, at least as of this first issue that’s supposed to meaningfully convey the premise. As a queer dude I think I’m somewhat in my lane to say it’s too blunt and broad and dopey to be particularly offensive, but the co-opting of oppression is what this is rooted in.

The idea of ‘comics good no matter what people think, ain’t it?’ extends to the last traditional local comic store standing in this world: much as superheroes are the primary cause of suffering in this world but the point of the story is still supposed to reveal the beauty in them, part of this is that the comics community isn’t perfect but it sure is great. Which is expressed here via Ellie’s boss Otto, a loveable asshole who yells at people coming in trying to sell the wrong kind of comics to fuck off, but at heart is we’re supposed to understand a good enough dude that the shop he runs is “the only home a lot of (the benighted nerds) have left” (because I guess in this alternate universe the physical stores are still the main hub through which comics fans talk with one another?).

So here’s a story of my very own! That’s me in 2013, it must’ve been some kind of special day because I’m wearing a shirt with a button. I’d at that point only frequented one of what would be my thus far four regular comic shops. The first was a great place, and while to say I had a sense of community there would be overstating it a bit, I was on really good terms with the owner and we regularly chatted when we had the time. When I left for college my store there wasn’t as well-stocked, and for some damn reason all variant covers were double-price, but I got along really well with the owner there too. The third I wasn’t so lucky; the guy regularly behind the desk was never overtly hostile, but clearly wanted to wring my neck every time I asked when a missing comic might get in or if I could update my pull list, and given I’m in the ‘ideal’ demographic for being a comic book store regular and was dropping a solid lump of money there every week, I wonder how others were treated there (the store nearly went under, was saved on the last day of operation by another store that wanted to incorporate it as part of its franchise, then shortly afterwards DID go under and is now I believe a beef jerky place). My current store is fine, I didn’t chat much with the folks behind the counter even before we all had medical incentive to get in and out of places fairly quickly but it almost always has what I’m looking for.

Just because those were my regular stores of course doesn’t mean those are the only ones I’ve ever gone to. About a year before that picture was taken - it’s the closest I could find - when I was 17 my store didn’t have something or another I was looking for, so I head across town to see if another place I had looked up had it. This other place didn’t have what I was looking for either, though I distinctly remember picking up a few issues of Hickman’s FF while I was there since I had foolishly fallen off, hence my remembering the year. I bought a couple issues, but hung around for a bit looking to see if I might grab something else out of a dollar box, setting my comics down. Without realizing it, I’d set my books down on top of another issue, and when I decided I wasn’t getting anything else, I just picked that up along with the rest of the pile and was about to walk out before the owner stopped me. He explained what I had done though assumed it had been deliberate, and because I was a good-hearted little geek I even recall thinking “Well, he’s gonna chew me out, but I guess I deserve it. I’ll try and take this to heart as a learning experience.”

Then he pulled up his shirt a little to show me the gun on his belt. He pointed at the security camera monitors at his desk, and explained to me that if I ever did something like that again, he would have it on tape, and he would pull that gun on me and hold me there while he called the cops.

As it turned out, the comic was free.

The whole thing was so sudden and bizarre and unexpected I didn’t actually freak out until the drive home. It wasn’t until weeks or maybe months later that I managed to tell my dad about the experience, because I *had* nearly stolen a (free) comic and my guilt was mixed in with my nerves and I guess I was somehow too close to register just how disproportionate his response was. It wasn’t until now, nearly a decade later and thinking about it for the first time in a long time as I write this, that I wondered if that might have gone differently - especially living in the midwest - if I hadn’t been a white, squeaky-voiced 17-year-old.

So, minor spoiler, when our cantankerous but well-meaning LCS owner yells to call the cops and grabs and yells at a small kid for pocketing a comic (and later displays fantasy racism towards said kid), I am not filled with nostalgic love for the brotherly safe space that is comic book stores, where this guy while not meant to be seen as perfect is still framed in part as a charming, witty representation of Why We Love These Places, And This Community, And This Genre, And This Medium. Cates is clearly drawing on real time at his local stores, but he equally clearly has a very different takeaway from those experiences than me. And I am, again, in a demographic - white, cis-male, abled, bi but more interested in women, disposable income, a lifelong collector - that the industry and a lot of the guys who sell it to us contort themselves around catering to, even if I had a single very negative experience and later an ongoing low-key uncomfortable one to help disabuse me of any notions of the purity of the dork community. In the world of Crossover as of #1, toxicity is intertwined, deliberately or not on the part of the creators, with what we love on the cosmic and small business scales alike, but at least in the latter case it’s the whole picture that’s beautiful, not any single kernel that needs to be worked on to be dug up.

So underneath is my video reaction to the last page of Crossover #1. Very minor spoilers because I mutter the last two words of the comic to myself, but under the video I discuss said final page and some other scattered thoughts. Whether you read that or not, my takeaway is this: I’m fascinated with wherever the hell this thing is going, I’m glad my dad liked it well enough to want to keep getting it because now I’ll get to see where it heads, but my first impression is that this is at heart meant as cheapass Oscar-bait for people who only read Batman. It’s big and high-concept but also small and intimate! It’s meta and about how great you, the reader are for your consumption, especially the consumption of this! It’s going to be in large part about a forbidden love between a couple divided across impermeable social lines (a couple where they’re a seemingly straight white man and woman, but one likes comics)! Maybe it’ll become Not That, and I’m sure it’ll do at least something interesting along the way because Cates has done good stuff before and there are some inherently interesting big ideas for him to play with here, but for the love of god if you’re thinking about getting this buy Commanders in Crisis too or instead, it’s another new book out of Image about superheroes dealing with the collapse of the multiverse but that one is really fucking good.

So the final page splash reveal is that when the comic book child discovered in here got out of Colorado, which has had an impenetrable energy shield erected around it by one of the heroes for years, she and others were ferried out of there...by Superman, as the narration declares that “This is a story...about hope.” They don’t say the word, but she sketches her savior, Ellie and Otto freak out and go “Is that---” when they see it, and on that last page we see that while a crude drawing it isn’t a rough analogue character, it’s a guy with a cape and trunks with an S on his chest. Surprisingly, I don’t have much to say: it’s just another blunt signifier that superheroes rule and are the best, paired with the most utterly devalued notion as of late of what makes Superman special in ‘hope’. I mean, I’m perversely excited to see whether this is building the entire series on a hook it can never deliver on, or if Cates actually has talked DC into an intercompany crossover; believable given they’ve done a bunch of those over the last several years, and why else would Mark Waid be supervising as ‘story editor’ on this? I guess it’ll shake out one way or another with #6 given Cates has said it “has one of the more epic and — I would argue historic — sequences in comic book history in it.” But I’m far less convinced this is gonna truly go into the meaty question of “What does Superman mean and what makes him unique in this world where superheroes in general are indisputably either failures or monstrous bastards given the scale of destruction their presence has brought about, and he himself failed to stop that?” than as some kind of holy grail of how great superheroes are despite how dang violent they’ve gotten these days for the crew to chase after, whatever additional twist will surely be placed upon it. At least he’s kinda helping an immigrant kid get over a wall, if that’s deliberate?

Random final thoughts:

* If I wrote the opening essay and turned it in in a college course, I would be expelled for plagiarizing Grant Morrison. This is not a joke.

* If mainstream American superhero comics ended January 2017 in this universe, its own last ‘crossover�� was Civil War II, which is hilarious.

* God, please tell me if it takes the dive after all that this isn’t somehow tied into whatever Waid’s Superman project is.

* I wouldn’t normally crap on issues with the finer details of worldbuilding, but A. This is rooted in a nominally ‘real’ world playing by recognizable rules, B. I’m ragging on this anyway so what’s the harm, and C. It’s really obvious. So: Why is one of the racists against the superheroes the guy who loves superheroes so much he’s the last holdout in the entire world still selling comic books about them? How does this modestly-sized shop exist long-term with apparently a significant regular customer base if there are no new comics or even reprints to restock with, ever? Who’s buying the serialized cop/cowboy comics that the U.S. government apparently created pretty much overnight (nobody, it’s just another Wertham dig)?

* The solicit for issue #3 proclaims “Don't miss this one, folks. If you do, it just might drive you...mad.”, so now I fear some kind of Ultra Comics riff.

* “Kids love chains” is the most metal-ass quote of all time and I hate that it’s being wasted as an arc title on this book.

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press/Gallery: Elizabeth Olsen Is Ready to Lead the MCU

An ambitious new Disney+ series might just give the strongest Avenger the happy ending she deserves.

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Studio Photoshoots > 2021 > Session 001

  ELLE: We can’t keep meeting Elizabeth Olsen like this. By “this,” I mean in the throes of catastrophe or bereavement, or, to put it plainly, when she’s an emotional wreck. In the 2018 Facebook Watch drama Sorry For Your Loss, Olsen assumes the role of Leigh Shaw, a young widow grappling with the unexpected loss of her husband and all the painful nuisances that come with death: the unbearable waves of sadness, the clichéd condolences, a grief support group that runs out of donuts. At one point, Leigh says through a cracked voice, “I’m just mad all the time.” It’s hard not to draw parallels to Olsen’s other angry character. After all, “mad” is exactly how 2015’s Avengers: Age of Ultron introduced us to Wanda Maximoff.

Defined by tragedy since her Marvel debut, Wanda (aka the Scarlet Witch) is an orphan with telekinetic powers. When not saving the world, she spends most of her time onscreen grieving the deaths of her parents, twin brother, or lover. Wanda’s never been allowed to fully exist outside the confines of her grief and anger, but with the launch of WandaVision—Marvel’s foray into serialized content for streaming—she may just be getting the happy ending she deserves.

Partly inspired by The Vision comic book, which follows synthezoid superhero Vision and his family as they move to the suburbs of Washington, D.C., the Disney+ series is an ode to the TV sitcoms we’ve come to love, with Wanda and Vision (Paul Bettany) basking in newlywed bliss—except Vision’s been very dead (killed twice, in fact) since the events of 2018’s Avengers: Infinity War. It’s unclear exactly how these starcrossed characters got to suburbia, but for now, it’s a delight to see the typically solemn duo sink their teeth into slapstick comedy.

“The show is like a blank slate for them,” Olsen tells me over Zoom, her light brown fringe a departure from Wanda’s red waves. The Scarlet Witch’s doleful glare is also long gone; in its place, Olsen’s eyes are wide with excitement. “Wanda and Vision’s journey to this point is a story of pure, innocent love and deep connection with another person,” she explains. “It was also very traumatizing. Tragedy has always been their story. In our show, we kind of wipe that clean and start fresh.”

But Wanda’s complicated past looms over WandaVision. Age of Ultron saw her and her twin brother, Pietro, initially opposing the Avengers (the siblings volunteered for a series of experiments with Hydra—a super evil organization within the MCU—after the deaths of their parents at the hands of Tony Stark’s Stark Industries) before switching sides to help save the Earth. The movie ends in victory for our superheroes, but yet another tragedy for Wanda when Pietro dies in battle. She finds comfort in the arms of Vision, an android created from the remains of Tony’s J.A.R.V.I.S. program, but even that bliss is short-lived. You see, Vision can only live with the help of the Mind Stone, which Mad Titan Thanos needs to take over the universe. In Infinity War, Vision asks Wanda to sacrifice him, and Wanda reluctantly agrees—but Thanos reverses time to gain control of the stone, killing the robot for a second time. Wanda’s pain is palpable: Imagine sacrificing the love of your life to save everyone else, just to watch him brought back to life and killed again—by the very villain you’re trying to defeat.

Though the thrill of playing a character with superhuman abilities is enticing for any actress, Olsen says it was Wanda’s internal battle with mental health that attracted her to the role in the first place. “[Joss Whedon] explained to me that Wanda Maximoff has always been this pillar of the struggle of mental health, from her pain and depression and traumatic experiences to how she completely alters the reality of the comics,” Olsen says of her early conversations with the Age of Ultron director. “The thing I held onto after reading the initial script was that she was not only powerful because of her abilities, but because of her emotions.”

In fact, MCU theorists would argue she’s one of, if not the, strongest Avenger. She can infiltrate the others’ minds to reveal their biggest fears (Age of Ultron). She can overpower Vision and send him plunging through several floors to break up a fight between warring superheroes (Avengers: Civil War). She can even bring Thanos to his knees, snapping his sword in half and forcibly removing his armor piece by piece (Infinity War).

Still, “they keep slapping her over the head with more grief,” Olsen quips.

As phase one of the Marvel Cinematic Universe began with the sound of clanging metal on May 2, 2008, phase four kicked off on January 15, 2021 with a kitschy 1950s sitcom theme: “She’s a magical gal in a small town locale / he’s a hubby who’s part machine / How will this duo fit in and pull through? Oh, by sharing a love / like you’ve never seen.”

With WandaVision, Marvel steers clear of the typical superhero trappings: no destructive battles at a Berlin airport or across the streets of New York City; no blonde-haired god time-traveling to other realms; no tree-like alien fight alongside a raccoon. Wandavision takes place after the events of Endgame in a fictional suburban town called Westview, and the biggest problem the newlyweds face in the show’s opening moments is creating a convincing backstory to get nosy neighbor Agnes (Kathryn Hahn) off their backs.

“They are just trying to fit in,” Olsen explains. “They’re trying to not be found out by their neighbors that they’re super-powered beings.” Now, if only we can figure out what the hell is actually going on. Olsen remains tight-lipped: “The reason it’s a sitcom shows itself later in the show,” she hints. “When Kevin [Feige] told me, it didn’t feel so bizarre. It felt like a great way to start our story.”

“With our show, you don’t know what the villain is, or if there is one at all.”

So, is Wanda stuck in the first stage of grief, denial? Has she altered reality as a coping mechanism for Vision’s death? Is she being held hostage by a terrorist organization (ahem, Hydra!)? One thing we do know is that someone is watching the couple and taking notes. At the end of episode 1, the camera pans out from a retro TV playing an episode of WandaVision (meta!) to show a hand jotting down notes. There’s a strange sword symbol on the notebook and a nearby control board, and in episode 2, the same sign appears on a toy helicopter lodged in the couple’s front yard. Later, when a mysterious beekeeper crawls out of the sewer on the couple’s street, the symbol is seen on the back of his suit. In its 20-plus movies, Marvel villains have always existed in plain sight. But with a new, less obvious darkness lurking at every turn, Wanda may have to return to her world-saving roots.

“Someone said to me when you watch any of these hero movies, you know when the villain’s about to show themselves, and you also have an idea of who the villain is,” Olsen says. “With our show, you don’t know what the villain is, or if there is one at all.” For now, WandaVision allows for glimmers of hope and optimism for Wanda and Vision, despite what darkness tries to threaten their happiness. “Wanda is trying to protect everything in her bubble, protect what she and Vision have and this experience,” Olsen says. “I think everything she does is in response to keeping things together.”

In addition to exploding the concept of the superhero onscreen, WandaVision toys with a different era of TV in each episode. The pilot takes viewers to the ‘50s with an episode filmed in front of a live studio audience, and Wanda dresses up in the quintessential housewife garb, not a hair out of place in her voluminous bob. By the time we click on episode 2, she trades in her apron and kitten heels for a more pared-down ‘60s look, while episode 3 gives a nod to the ‘70s, complete with a Brady Bunch-style staircase and a shag haircut for Vision.

While dressing up was the fun part, time-hopping through the eras required a lot of binge-watching old sitcoms to get the mannerisms down right. Olsen studied series like The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Brady Bunch, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Bewitched to “understand the tones of each era” and get a grasp of how Wanda and Vision should act as a couple. (One of her favorite TV pairings was Jane Kaczmarek and Bryan Cranston from Malcolm in the Middle.) She was fascinated by the way female characters evolved through the decades: “You have to learn appropriate manners—what’s considered being polite or proper. That coincides with women’s voices changing,” she explains. “I enjoyed challenging myself to match the syntax and the lyricism. I live in a very chest-register kind of deep voice. I had to remember not to bring it up at certain moments.”

For so long, Wanda served as a supporting character to Marvel’s biggest names, and the formulaic mundanity of the major theatrical releases made it easy to get comfortable. WandaVision offered Olsen a much-needed challenge. “I’ve only been working for 10 years, but there is this feeling where you start to get comfortable,” she says. “WandaVision was the furthest thing from comfortable for me. It felt intimidating. The character is a completely different thing.”

And fans hoping for a little Marvel action won’t be disappointed. “We still live up to what Marvel does,” she promises. “We just tell the story in a completely different way. It’s a very emotional, female story and it’s a story they haven’t told yet for either of our characters.” Whatever your theory is, keep the cliché condolences to yourself. No one will be uttering, “Sorry for your loss” in Wanda’s world.

Press/Gallery: Elizabeth Olsen Is Ready to Lead the MCU was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[thefloatingstone]

If you’re doing Self Quarintine (and you should be if you can help it) here’s some Youtube recommendations! Some of these I have posted about or recommended before but with almost all of us stuck indoors now’s a good time to remind you of some cool things you can watch for free!

I’m not gonna imbed the videos, I’ll just post the link because otherwise I would only able to post 5 and I want to collect a few so you can make a playlist or something. (I could make a playlist too but then I couldn’t tell you what each video is and you can’t pick and choose which one sounds interesting to you)

In no particular order:

Polybius: The video Game that doesn’t exist

An hour long documentary in which the youtuber did extensive research to find the origin of the “Polybius” Urban Legend, which speaks of an early arcade game reportedly seen around the early 1980s which reportedly gave people migraines, insomnia, nausea, subliminal messages, and in some cases heart attacks.

The Universal S

A shorter video in which LEMMiNO does his very best to try and track down where exactly this S that we all drew in middle school comes from? Why does literally every country on earth seem to HAVE their children draw this S?

I also recommend LEMMiNO’s video on the Dayltov Pass Incident and the perplexing UFO cases

Down the Rabbit Hole: Henry Darger

Fredrick Knudsen has an incredible fascinating series called “Down the Rabbit Hole” which simply focuses on... anything you can discover and go digging into. From weird internet personalities, to bizarre happenings in history. This video is about the artist Henry Darger, a man who lived in the early 1900s and for all intents and purposes had a perfectly average, lonely life, until it was discovered just before his death he had spent literally decades writing and drawing a fantasy world in what is possibly the longest piece of literature ever written.

I also recommend his video on the Hurdy Gurdy

Bedtime Stories Channel

I’m actually just gonna link the whole channel for “Bedtime Stories”. If you like weird and creepy stories, all of which at least claim to be “true” then Bedtime Stories is great. Coupled by illustrations and subtle sound effects, Bedtime Stories is literally listening to someone tell you a story about such things like hikers who mysteriously went missing, Sightings of Bog Men in Florida and giant Birds over Chernobyl, as well as weird and unsettling murders that remain unsolved. Sometimes the facts are a little dubious or have been disproved, but that’s not the point of the channel. It’s here to tell a creepy story, not give you a documentary.

A Journey Through Rule of Rose

Rule of Rose is a Survival Horror gave for the PS2 which has rather bad gameplay... but a FASCINATING story with just as many layers and symbolism as Silent Hill 2 could boast. It tells the story of one young woman traveling back into her own childhood in an orphanage in the 1930s, and all the horrors that contains. From repressed grief, abusive relationships, child neglect, abuse, and bullying... but it ALSO contains symbolism of societal class structure, politics, eating the rich, and how power structures work. Not for the faint of heart, but HIGHLY recommended.

I also super highly recommend his video on the similarities between Silent Hill 2 and Solaris

Clemps Reviews Crisis Core

Mr. Clemps is a great internet gamer who reviews JRPGs and other games he simply enjoys. Sprinkling in a heavy dose of comedy and very fast jokes and observations, Clemps’ videos are always upbeat, fun, and incredibly enjoyable to watch. I’m linking part 1 of his Crisis Core video in which he explains why the PSP game remains a personal favourite of his despite its flaws.

I also recommend his video on Eternal Sonata

Defunct TV: The History of Dragon Tales

Defunctland is a channel that deals with theme parks and theme park rides that are no longer standing, or which are no longer around in their current form. Defunctland also has a sub series though, called “Defunct TV” where they look at the origin of children’s TV which are no longer airing. I recommend the video on Dragon Tales which is incredibly wholesome, and a genuinely uplifting and soft story of good people trying to make good things for children. (I also recommend the videos on Bear in the Big Blue House, Zoboomafoo, and Legends of the Hidden Temple)

Hagan’s Histories of Polar Exploration

A Playlist for Diamanda Hagan’s videos about the doomed Franklin Expedition from the late 1800s, where England tried to find a passage through the Northern Arctic to the Pacific Ocean. This went horribly horribly wrong, with every member of the Expedition dead. Over a 100 years later we are still fuzzy on what EXACTLY happened, but apart from the arctic chill, there is also evidence of faulty canned food, a series of bad decisions, and cannibalism. Caution advised for this series.

I also recommend the rest of Diamanda Hagan’s channel. She is NOT for everyone, but if you enjoy somebody reviewing Z grade indie movies as well as just BIZARRE films, really bad Christian media bordering on Science Fiction (without making fun of religion itself) hot takes of classic (and modern) Dr. Who, an introduction to Red Dwarf, She’s an EXCELLENT channel to check out.

Good Bad or Bad Bad: Pass Thru

A half podcast half review show where two guys watch a terrible film, decide if it’s “Good” Bad or just Bad Bad and tell you if you should watch it too.

That’s it. That’s the whole show.

I recommend diving into the untold madness that is one of the best(?) bad film makers currently still producing batshit insane movies, the immortal Niel Breen.

There is literally nothing I can say that’ll prepare you for Niel Breen.

(I also recommend their more recent video for “Dancin’ It’s on!”)

History Buffs: Apollo 13

Do you like History? Do you like movies ABOUT History? Do you want to know if the movies about history you watch actually resemble what really happened in any way at all? History Buffs is an EXCELLENT channel, which does talk about the merit of a film itself, but is mainly focused on letting you know just how true to life that historical film you watch is. I highly recommend his longest video which covers the space race between the USA and the USSR, leading to what is known as “The most Successful Failure in NASA’s History”. The Infamous Apollo 13 and where the words “Houston, we have a problem” came from.

If you’re not interested in Apollo 13 however, I also recommend his video on the movie Casino, as well as his video on the female philosopher, Agora.

The Internet Historian: The Goodening of No Man’s Sky

With videos with literally MILLIONS of views, you probably already know the Internet Historian. But I still want to recommend him very highly because his videos are just THAT good and entertaining. I recommend his newest video, documenting that time we were all pissed off about No Man’s Sky, the difficulties the game studio was in when the game released, and how they have been working hard to finally create what is now a truly brilliant game which is winning major awards. A really good underdog story of how a video game company actually saw what was wrong with their game, and FIXED it.

I also recommend his video on Fallour 76 as well as the Failure of Dashcon

8 Creepy Video game mysteries

Hey. Did you know that sometimes there’s some REALLY weird shit in video games, hidden easter eggs which took literal decades to find as well as just a lot of “what the actual fuck?”. Oddheader is a channel with a dedicated discord and Reddit form solely focusing on trying to find or replicate bizarre video game finds, mysteries, and hidden glitches. Even if it means getting in his car and driving to a specific arcade just to check a rumour about Street Fighter II’s arcade version. So if you like getting spooked by weird game shit that’s not just some dumb creepypasta, this is a great place to start.

I also recommend his video on weird discoveries in DVDs and movies.

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst

Look you already know who Red Letter Media is.

You know... these guys:

Here’s a video of them and Macaulay Culkin watching 3 terrible movies together.

I recommend literally any and all of their videos. Their discussion on Carpenter’s The Thing is amazing.

The Impact of Akira: The film that changed Everything

Ok trying to pick just ONE Super Eyepatch Wolf video is literal torture. Originally I was going to suggest his recent video on Final Fantasy 7 for the PSone but I realised I recommended something FF7 related with Clemps, so instead I will recommend The Impact of Akira, a video talking in depth about Akira both as a film as well as a manga, how it completely and utterly changed the anime industry both in Japan as well as the west, and why it is still a meaningful and one of the most important anime/manga even to this day, still being unsurpassed despite so much competition.

However, ALL of Wolf’s videos are incredible, so I also recommend his videos on wrestling (despite me not caring about wrestling at all), His video on how media scares us, The bizarre reality of modern Simpsons, Why the Dragon Ball Z manga is great, and literally any other video he’s made. He hasn’t made one bad video yet.

Was Oblivion as Good as I remember?

Exactly what it says on the tin. The Salt Factory goes back to playing The Elder Scrolls Oblivion and now with hindsight and modern sensibilities, gives feedback on his experience and whether Oblivion still holds up. This isn’t a super in depth review of the game’s mechanics or how its put together or how it was made. This is simply one guy talking about his experience replaying it with somejokes thrown in and how he felt revisiting it. It’s pretty good.

I also recommend the video he did on Morrowind (because I’m biased).

Weird Japan Only PS1 games

Thor High Heels is SO GOOD and deserves SO MUCH MORE subs than he currently has. THH focuses a lot of obscure and lesser known games as well as big popular titles like the Yakuza series, talking about what he likes about them, what he thinks is cool, and just what kind of atmosphere and mood a certain game has, even if the game itself is kind of ass. He’s done several videos on games that were only released in Japan, as well as videos talking about the fashion in Squaresoft games and how it inspired as well as was inspired by real world street fashion, the aesthetic of PC-98 games and other topics. He also styles his videos and thumbnails after promotional art for video games from the 90s and generally just has an excellent style to his channel over all. Very chill.

Blue Reflection Review

ValkyrieAurora is a channel run by Sophie where she talks about games she personally likes and enjoys. Her videos are really laid back and her voice is really calm and pleasant to listen to. She’s made a bit of a reputation for herself as “The channel that talks about the Atelier Games” and general is just a really enjoyable channel worth checking out if you just want something soothing to listen to.

Ancient Chinese Historians Describe Japan

Voices from the Past is a channel were historical text is read out loud in english. These can be anything like the above video where Chinese historians describe the people of Japan around 297 AD, Accounts of “Dog-Men”, or the worlds oldest letter of complaint from 1750 BC. If you’d like something interesting historically to listen to but don’t want a full blown history lesson, this is a really good way to hear contemporary people talk about their experiences and what they thought about each other in their own words, without opinions or input given by the narrator.

The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet

Whang! is a channel that covers weird internet stories, some horrifying, some curious and interesting, and some just plain weird. His video on The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet and its update, are about a song which was recorded off the radio in Germany around the 1980s, and after one person online asked if anyone knew who the artist was as they couldn’t find any information, led to the realization that NOBODY online knows where this song came from or who sang it. It’s a fun mystery to look into that, unlike some others on this list, is not creepy or unsettling, although perhaps a little frustrating.

I also recommend his video on The Most Mysterious Anime theme song, and the haunted Ebay Painting.

5 Lost, Destroyed, and Locked away Broadcasts

Yesterworld is similar to the Defunctland channel in that it talks about obsolete rides, theme parks and other forgotten pieces of entertainment. Although the majority of the channel focuses on movie rides, rollercoasters and Disneyland, I recommend the video on lost and locked away broadcasts which you can no longer see. I also recommend the video about Lost and Rediscovered movie props.

The Nightmare Artist

I talked about this one recently as I just discovered this channel. This video is about the renowned Polish artist Zdzislaw Beksinski who painted surreal and horrifying paintings during his lifetime. There is no mystery here or anything like that, it merely talks about the impact WWII left on Beksinski and how the trauma his country and people suffered influenced his painting, and how certain images and motifs can be seen to directly reference this terrible part of Poland’s history.

Disabilities in Prehistory

Modern media likes to portray how “savage” the ancient past is, and tell us stories of how any person born with a deformity or disability would be thrown over a cliff or dumped in a well because they would be too big a drain on a community to look after. But here’s the thing... according to archaeological evidence, it turns out our ancient ancestors actually did their best to look after its disabled members to the best of their abilities. This video talks about archaeological finds of people who had genetic disabilities and what we can learn from their remains. TREY the Explainer is a great channel for archaeology and also talking about what answers we could have for sightings of cryptids. (not ALL of which we have answers for)

I also recommend his video on Pre-Contact dogs as well as Homosexuality in Nature and the Genetic History of the Ainu.

Decoding “The Secret: A treasure Hunt”

“The Secret” was an art book released in the 80s full of beautiful paintings, but it is also more than that. The book has a fantasy story talking about 12 fantastical races who left wonderful treasures for humans to find,and the book’s paintings and riddles will tell you where you can find each of these treasures which are yours to keep if you can solve the puzzle... and the treasures are 100% true and can actualy be found and claimed, if you can solve the riddles in the book. The video tells the story of the artbook, who was behind it, what the treasures are, how many have been found and various other facts and details.

I also recommend the videos on this channel “The Game: A scavenger Hunt” and “The investigation of Erratas”.

5 Ancient Inventions That Were WAY Ahead Of Their Time

I would recommend you be careful with this channel as its main focus is existentialism and rather alarming topics such as “how close are we to the apocalypse” and other things whose titles alone are enough to upset me. However this video is nothing like that. This video is exactly what the title suggests it is. 5 ancient inventions that were so incredibly ahead of their time you’d think they were made up. From the computer used by ancient Greeks to steel swords we don’t know how to replicate, this video is a great mix of mystery and history.

Although I caution you with this channel, I recommend Joe’s other videos about mysterious books, as well as his video on the most inbred people in history.

However, I know I keep repeating this, I highly recommend caution with this channel. Perhaps its just me and the topics of life and existent are just triggering for me, but I’d recommend maybe just doing a search for the titles I mentioned and not to go searching through the video library unless you’re not bothered by this kind of thing.

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Anyway I could keep going, but I think that’s a LARGE amount of videos to keep you occupied for the time being as well as some suggestions for further viewing.

Please enjoy, let me know if you found something interesting, and look after yourself!

If you enjoyed this list at all, please consider tipping me for a coffee

☕️ Ko-fi ☕️

[aion-rsa]

How Alias Anticipated Modern Superhero Storytelling

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J.J. Abrams’ spy drama Alias, which turns 20 this week, was a lot of things: high-octane action-adventure series, twentysomethings relationship drama, occasional National Treasure homage. It was also, surprisingly, a spiritual predecessor to today’s hyper-saturated superhero movie and TV universes: A preternaturally gifted fighter, Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) inhabits comic-book-esque alter egos to infiltrate secret missions related to ancient artifacts and promised immortality, all while ensuring that her nearest and dearest don’t know how many times she’s saved the world—or which side she’s really on.

Like the series’ MacGuffin-generating Nostradamus figure Milo Rambaldi, Alias has proven to be somewhat prophetic itself about what makes for the kinds of superhero stories that land today. With some 20th-anniversary hindsight, let’s look back at what made Sydney’s story so super and what lessons Abrams’ ridiculous(ly fun) series can still impart to the current crop of superhero sagas.

The Secret Identity as Kiss of Death

The highest priority that spies and superheroes share is that they cannot get made—that is, have their identity as a larger-than-life individual linked to their “normal” selves. They must always keep their personal and professional personas separate, lest they risk losing the people who know both sides of them. Alias establishes this difficult lesson in the first half hour of the pilot, when Sydney reveals her true work (she thinks SD-6 is just a covert branch of the CIA) to doctor fiancé Danny, only for him to blab about it later and get bloodily taken out in their bathtub. It’s the first time that SD-6 treats its sweet protégée harshly, making clear the consequences of her actions should she open up to anyone else in her life. And then she defects to the CIA, which will be a death sentence for her if SD-6 ever finds out.

Yet beyond the specter of grisly assassination, what the series really digs into is Syd’s growing ethical dilemma about being a double agent where it concerns the actually good people at SD-6, primarily her longtime partner Dixon (Carl Lumbly) and sweetly awkward Q stand-in Marshall (Kevin Weisman). It would be too easy if the series were only about her getting long-game revenge on SD-6 director Arvin Sloane (Ron Rifkin); the real conflict comes from Sydney lying to Dixon’s face on every stakeout, knowing that he still thinks he’s working for the good guys and she can’t ruin that fantasy for him without potentially turning him into collateral damage.

Similarly, the moments in which Sydney’s two (or three) lives begin to collide have other heartbreaking consequences: While the scene in which her best friend Will (Bradley Cooper cast as the friendzoned buddy, amazing) gets kidnapped and sees Syd saving him, is one of the decade’s best laugh-out-loud moments, it also leads to Will going into the Witness Protection Program. His life ends, in a sense, because Sydney couldn’t keep everything compartmentalized. And we haven’t even gotten to the awful fate that befalls her best friend Francie (Merrin Dungey)…

What Alias Predicted: The beating heart (or arc reactor) of many a superhero story is this tension between selves—which means that the big reveal of a secret identity has to be carefully timed and deliberately presented. It’s as emotional as Peter Parker’s (Tobey Maguire) mask getting ripped away when he saves the subway car of people in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2, as big as Spider-Man: Far From Home doxxing that Peter Parker (Tom Holland) in a commentary on fake news, or as pure and simple as Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) outing himself as Iron Man in the very first installment of the MCU. You cannot unring that bell, so it better be a memorable moment.

What Superhero Stories Can Still Learn: Rev the secret identity stakes back up! Captain America: Civil War ably took on the game-changing Marvel Comics arc of the same name by having heroes collectively unmask, and movies like Spider-Man: Far From Home are still playing out those ramifications. But mostly we see the dangerous ramifications of heroes doxxing themselves, without really digging into the strain for heroes to constantly have to lie about the things that truly matter to them.

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Campy Disguises and Clever Aliases

If you’ve watched Alias or were even vaguely aware of it, no doubt the first thing you envision is Sydney in black leather and bright red hair, a.k.a. her iconic look from the pilot. Her non-SD-6-sanctioned, under-the-radar disguise (impersonating Will’s sister) displays her ingenuity and establishes the series’ brand: attention-grabbing hair paired with increasingly ridiculous outfits, from chain mail waitress ensembles to rubber dresses. She’s played punks, rich bimbos, alluring businesswomen, escorts, and all manner of female personas upon which her marks would project their assumptions—all of which belied her true strength and cunning.

Even when future episodes riffed on the color wheel with teal, magenta, purple, and good old-fashioned blonde wigs, it was still within a clear spectrum established on that pivotal mission, when she channels a silly girl who cares more about the color of her hair than her safety, only to pin her torturer with the same chair to which she’s bound.

What Alias Predicted: I would hazard a guess that Natasha Romanoff’s first appearance in 2012’s The Avengers—a seemingly helpless redhead tied to a chair, about to be nastily interrogated—was a nod toward Sydney’s triumphant pilot mission. What’s more, despite the first ten years of the MCU leaning toward sleek costumes, later phases (like WandaVision‘s cheeky Halloween callbacks) have realized that they can embrace the bold colors and campy designs of the comic-book source material.

What Superhero Stories Can Still Learn: Better to lean into the bold colors and campy designs of the comic-book source material than to go for more sleek and cool. WandaVision did this, albeit cheekily and using the excuse of Halloween, but the nod toward Scarlet Witch’s original outfit was well received. Because any superhero can look cool in leather, but only the standouts can rock color.

Rambaldi Artifacts, Immortality, and Clones

While replicating the romantic dramas of Felicity, Abrams was also playing with early iterations of his signature “puzzle box” narrative style: The pilot has Sydney chasing after the mysterious Mueller device, which turns out to be… a floating red ball… which bursts into water the moment she tries to remove it. That head-scratcher of a device is only one of many inventions belonging to Milo Rambaldi, a fictional Renaissance-era philosopher whose sketches and writings all pointed toward the ultimate endgame: immortality. You know, just normal spy thriller things.

The series saw Sydney and co. chasing after all manner of Rambaldi MacGuffins, from a clock to a kaleidoscope to a music box to flowers that either demonstrated proof of eternal life (by never wilting) or amped up human aggression. Through all of this, it becomes clear that Sloane helped found SD-6 in order to collect all of Rambaldi’s artifacts and capture immortality for himself—even and especially at the cost of people like his daughter, Sydney’s half-sister Nadia Santos (Mía Maestro).

Before we get more into Rambaldi’s prophecies about the sisters, we can’t forget the parallel fever dream of the series: clones! Or, rather, secret agents genetically modified to look like anyone—which means everyone is a suspect. This constant paranoia quickly got out of hand on the series, but its first reveal was perfect TV drama: There’s not an Alias fan who doesn’t remember “Francie doesn’t like coffee ice cream” and the complete devastation that followed—the knock-down, drag-out fight that destroyed Sydney’s apartment just as badly as Danny’s death, but also Sydney’s heartbreak upon realizing that her best friend was already long dead.

What Alias Predicted: The Infinity Stones themselves are less interesting than in various superheroes’ personal connections to them: Loki (Tom Hiddleston) tempted by the tesseract in Thor: Ragnarok; Star Lord (Chris Pratt) and the Guardians of the Galaxy channeling their friendship to withstand the effects of the Power Stone; Wanda Maximoff’s (Elizabeth Olsen) stages of grief as she copes with trying to keep the memory of Vision (Paul Bettany) alive even without the Mind Stone. In short: grounding the most out-there plotlines in the personal ensures they will always land.

What Superhero Stories Can Still Learn: Ground the most bonkers of plotlines in the personal, and they’ll always land.

The Chosen One and the Passenger

This is when the Rambaldi business started getting less National Treasure levels of charming and more outright weird. Turns out the team wasn’t just recovering a treasure trove of artifacts, but also Rambaldi’s prophetic writings—including the mysterious “Page 47,” which featured a drawing of a woman known as the Chosen One… who bears quite the resemblance to Sydney herself. That would be easy enough to dismiss as a strange doppelgänger coincidence, but then comes the reveal of “Project Christmas”: When Syd discovers that she didn’t just stumble into the spy life on her own, but was actually trained as a sleeper agent from childhood, it only amplifies her fears that she has no true agency over her life.

Further Rambaldi writings center Sydney and Nadia into predestined roles as the Chosen One and the Passenger: supposed foes who are fated to clash, with one dying. Nadia getting injected with “Rambaldi fluid” in order to tap directly into the long-dead man’s consciousness (contained within another artifact known as the Sphere of Life) only earns her some nasty apocalyptic visions. But despite their genuine friendship that comes from bonding over their fucked-up childhoods, Sydney and Nadia are forced into that preordained confrontation when the latter is injected with a compound that reduces her to a mindless killing machine… all while a giant red ball is hovering over a city in Russia, because why not. Even after Nadia dies, and is brought back to life, then dies again, with her ghost haunting Sloane as he finally attains immortality, she remains a presence on the series.

There are certainly echoes to Black Widow and how it handles Natasha and adoptive sister Yelena’s (Florence Pugh) strained reconciliation after the older sister got out of the Red Room while the younger was still caught in its web. Their bickering banter about vests and poses, their differing memories of their false childhood, and their respective feelings of abandonment are what elevated Black Widow’s standalone outing—and made it even more tragic, on multiple levels, that this was the only time we would see the two of them in a movie together.

What Alias Predicted: Sister stories are gold! The Rambaldi storylines would mean nothing if they didn’t hinge on a tragically preordained confrontation, just as the MCU’s Red Room depiction seemed overdone until it was presented within the context of multiple generations’ differing experiences with its bloody legacy.

What Superhero Stories Can Still Learn: More stories about sisters! With Nat dead not long after she and Yelena had just started to bond again, it’s vital that Yelena’s future MCU appearances show her still grappling with the little time they got together.

After all, the best superhero stories are the ones that can feel just as fresh now as they did 20 years ago.

Alias is currently streaming on Amazon Prime Video.

The post How Alias Anticipated Modern Superhero Storytelling appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3ih3u0c

[ravenwolfie97]

2020 Art Summary

Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.

I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!

I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.

Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.

One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!

Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).

Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.

A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.

At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe​ who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling. They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.

Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.

There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.

As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.

Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.

My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it. The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.

University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.

My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.

This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.

I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.

Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!

The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.

I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.

I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.

Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.

It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.

[mhess-writing]

Fictional Map - Carre D’as

I finished my first detailed fictional map; I’ve decided to take up drawing them since they’re super fun! This is the world from my first series of novels, The Consequences of Weariness / The Caveats of War. It’s called Carre D’as, and it’s vaguely post-apocalyptic but also medieval; history lesson under the cut.

Things I’d do differently: 

- larger canvas size, so you can read the details.

- Not Purple

If you want to know more about any feature / region, lmk! I could spout off about this continent for ages.

Let me first say that this world is a mess. A beautiful, silly mess. I started writing within this world when I was sixteen (read: a while ago) and I basically shat it out as it went along. The result was a continent with cool features but little to no believable world-building. That said, I retconned an explanation for the way it was a year or two later. Retcon goes thusly:

In about 200 years, give or take, people get tired of and even a little scared of technology. Maybe there was a robot war or something, who knows. Either way, tech is rolled WAY back pretty much across the globe (by this point, the world is a big network and pretty much on the same page-- imagine centuries of internet and connectedness that we can’t even comprehend). 

Another century later, and tech is still used but limited. Infrastructure is low. The globe is warming, and everything starts catastrophically flooding. Without the technological advances society collectively abandoned, it’s tough to get everyone to safe areas, but a couple clusters of people manage to start gathering in protected places. One of these places is central Europe. People from all over start to go there.

Then, a CME hits. Coronal mass ejections, for the uninitiated, ain’t great. This is a massive one, and because Earth’s magnetic field was due for a flip and left the planet mostly unprotected while it was doing its thing, it wipes out all the remaining limited tech. 

Sucks.

The Earth finishes flooding, leaving a few very disconnected continents floating in the newly-named Perseic Ocean, named for Perses, the Titan of destruction. Because people were already on the no-tech track, modern ways are all but abandoned in the following decades. It’s every man for himself until, finally, a few people from large families step up. 

The most domineering of the four is French, which is why we see a lot of French names in Carre D’as. Of the remaining three, one’s family came from both Scotland and Japan, another’s crossed the Atlantic from Mexico and the U.S., and the third’s family came from Nepal with some members from Bavaria in Germany. [NOTE: though cultures have really mixed in these “safe” areas Post-Flood, people do try to keep fondly in mind where they came from.] These leaders are friends, and spend the uncertain nights playing cards. 

With the backing of each of their families-- so large they’re clans, really-- the four decide to impose order on the unruly and violent Post-Flood world. But they find that, while they are close friends, each has a wildly different idea of what imposing order means. Eventually, and painfully, they decide to divide the remaining continent into four quarters, which each will work to civilize as best they can. The quietest friend, the young man whose family hailed from Mexico, volunteers to draw the borders of this now-small world, knowing that because of this, he’ll choose his quarter last. They decide to draw cards to choose the quarters: whoever draws Spades will choose first, Hearts second, Clubs third. The young man draws the borders and, content, takes the Diamond card. He waits as his friends draw.

The Scottish-Japanese woman draws Spades. She chooses the mountainous eastern country, rich with rivers and well-fortified by granite cliffs. It is surrounded by seas on three sides, which she hopes will grant great naval and commercial power.

The French woman draws Hearts. She chooses the plains to the north, well-irrigated and flat, though somewhat exposed to attack. Farming, she’s sure, will be the foremost concern in the coming years, as well as ease of travel and settlement. No one is itching for war quite yet, after all.

The Nepalese-German man draws Clubs. He’s excited; his first choice was the southern country, dense with trees and rolling hills, with a powerful river cutting the land in half. It provides plenty of lumber for new construction, and though the land may be hard to navigate, it looks to have the mildest climate of the four.

The Mexican man looks at what is left, a semi-arid desert surrounded by the sea. A nearly-uncrossable set of arid dunes cuts his new land off from the rest of the three countries. To the others, he knows, it looks as if he’s given himself the short stick. But the young man did not approve of the others’ proposed ways, and predicted that they’d shortly grow violent with each other. The isolation of his new land promised safety from war, as well as the freedom to grow the kind of society he had hoped for.

Some of the leaders attempted to name their new countries something creative, but in the end, the suit that had dictated each land’s borders became its calling card. The mountainous Spade country became known as Pique; the Heart plains became Coeur; the forested Club hills became Trefles; and the Diamond desert in the west became Carreaux.

Six hundred years later, our story takes place...

[A note on ethnicities: I planned these as a teenager, before I created the worldbuilding retcon. In creating each of the countries in my story, I was primarily inspired by the listed real-world countries, and found that the most plausible in-world explanation was that the founders brought their own beloved cultures into the land they ruled. In reality, a society so far into the future probably wouldn’t have such clear cultural definitions (at least as can be recognized by us today), but I wanted to make sure to pay homage to the real-world places that were cool enough to inspire me.]

[yehet-me-up]

Ablaze

Pairing: Mark Tuan x Reader (female)

Word Count: 10,674

Genre: Soulmate AU, Professor/College AU, Smut

Rating: (M) for language and explicit sex

Summary: They called you “Ice Queen” all throughout elementary school. Even now, as a graduate student, the nickname still stings. As if your inability to feel heat means you’re cold-hearted too. You decide to pursue a degree in Biochemistry, desperate to figure out the reason why you are the way you are. 

Mark Tuan, everyone’s favorite hotshot professor, can pass his hand through an open flame due to a similar inability. Until the day you walk into his class, that is.

↳ Oneshot as part of The Inevitability of You collab with @kpop-wetdreams and @mak-baes 💜

A light breeze blows across campus, rustling the leaves above you, making you huddle further into your coat. Mid-September and the weather is still warm and sunny. Or you guess it must be, considering how many students are sitting together, studying or talking on blankets spread out on the quad’s lawn.

You guess it must be warm, because you’ve never felt warmth in your life. It’s not to say you’re freezing cold all the time; if you fill the bathtub with hot water you can almost feel… something. A flicker of the sensation your sister and parents have tried to describe time and time again. 

Cold, now that’s something you can feel. Snow, ice, the freezing rain that falls in the evenings here in the late winter – those you are intimately familiar with.

You hold out your hand as you walk across campus, watching the light fall on your skin in patterns. Frowning at the lack of sensation, you clench your fist and stick your hands back in your pockets. When it’s warm like this you just feel… an absence. A void where you know something should be, like a phantom limb; the aching sensation of nothing.

A buzzing in your pocket draws your attention and you pull your phone out to a message from your friend Kelly.

[Kelly 1:15pm] running a little late because of who I am as a person [Kelly 1:15pm] save me a seat???

You smirk to yourself. She’s likely running a little late because of her boyfriend, Adam. But boyfriend seems like too small of a word to convey their relationship. He’s her soulmate. They’re in the lucky 3-5% of the population that’s found their biologically fated match.

You had watched in amazement as Kelly’s ability to taste sweetness had come to life just after winter break, one afternoon in the cafeteria during your junior year of high school. 

You were sitting next to her, chatting with some of your other friends, when suddenly she dropped the cookie she was eating. She’d turned to you with wide eyes, reflexively bringing her hand to her lips in awe.

“What is it, Kel?” you’d asked, concerned.

“I – it’s – I think I can taste this…” she’d said, staring at it with such concentration it could have been a bomb about to go off. She’d licked her lips and sat up in her seat, whipping her head around.

You’d both turned to look at the other kids in the cafeteria. You saw him instantly - a new boy was standing at the cashier, paying for his food. He picked up his tray and lifted his eyes, sweeping the room to find a spot to sit. Kelly, in her usual exuberance, had stood up and waved him over.

He furrowed his brow, turning to look behind him for a moment, thinking she was waving to someone else. Once he realized she was motioning to him he’d given her a cute smile and come over, taking the spot across from Kelly and introducing himself.

“So – what’s your deficiency?” she’d asked the moment he said his name, staring him down.

“God, Kelly. No one uses that word any more. It’s not PC. My mom says we’re supposed to use ‘inability.’” Laura had said with a condescending tone.

“Whatever,” Kelly had said, waving Laura off. “What’s your inability, then, new boy?”

He’d stuttered, clearly unaccustomed to discussing something so sensitive in such a bold way. “Oh – umm, well I can’t taste salty things,” Adam had said in a low voice.

“Laura, give me some of your chips,” Kelly had said, snatching the bag and handing it across the table to Adam. “She always buys these super salty chips, can you taste them?” she’d demanded.

Adam had looked at her like she was crazy, but with a shake of his head he’d shrugged and popped one in his mouth. He had chewed thoughtfully for a moment before his eyes had gone wide and he started nodding furiously.

“Holy shit,” he’d whispered loudly. “Wait – how did you know?”

She’d grinned mischievously at him, holding his gaze as she picks up her discarded cookie and takes another bite.

“Well new boy, until today I couldn’t taste sweetness. I guess that means we’re soulmates, huh?” she’d said matter-of-factly.

They’d been inseparable from that day on. They were one of only six other confirmed matches in your high school, they’d had the test done just before graduation. It was something new the government was working on, a blood test to confirm the presence of a matching chemical, supposedly only released between soulmates.

[Y/N 1:17pm] god I’d say get a room but I have a feeling you’re just coming from one [Kelly 1:17pm] ha freaking ha [Y/N 1:18pm] *sigh* fineee I’ll save you a seat [Kelly 1:18pm] you’re the best [Kelly 1:19pm] when you find your soul mate I’ll cover for you too ;)

You smirk as you click the phone off, sliding it back into your pocket. The steps to the science building are packing with students flooding out of classes, excitedly heading out into the sunshine. You’re delighted to be doing the opposite – to be heading into your first two hour lecture for The Science of Soul Mates.

Kelly is taking the class for fun, you’re required to do 20 credits of upper level seminars for your Biochemistry Master’s degree. This course is newly offered by Professor Mark Tuan. It’s open to any student on campus, so even Kelly, an MFA student in creative writing wanted to sign up. The interest in the class was apparently through the roof and you’d both only gotten seats because you have priority registration as graduate students.

You pull open the heavy doors and head up to the second floor to the lecture hall. The room is just starting to fill up and about half of the hundred or so seats are filled. You head to your preferred spot near the back of the small auditorium, finding a space in the middle of the row and setting your bag next to you to save Kelly’s seat.

She rushes in five minutes before the class is supposed to start. You smother a smile as she sits down with a sigh. She turns to look at you and notices your barely contained laughter.

“What?” she demands as she pulls her laptop out from her bag.

You lean over and fix the strands of hair that had fallen into her face. “You had sex hair, Kels,” you laugh.

She groans. “Oh my god, I’m going to kill Adam. He was supposed to make sure I looked presentable.”

“Well I’d say he failed spectacularly at that,” you say with a wry smile as you make a new Google doc on your Drive, getting ready to take notes. “I am so excited for this class, you don’t even know.”

“You’re such a nerd, why do I hang out with you?” Kelly asks with a laugh.

“Because you love me. And how are you not freaking out? His research is groundbreaking, I’m dying to hear what he’s found,” you say. 

Ever since you decided to pursue Biochemistry as a profession you’ve been hearing his name, reading his published articles. You’ve been anxiously waiting for a chance to talk to him about your theories.

“Yeah, I hear he’s some genius prodigy. Adam says the University president was thrilled that he agreed to teach here, said that it was ‘the get of the century.’ He got his doctorate at what, twenty four?” she says, amazed.

“Twenty three, he’s been doing research this last year,” you reply automatically. “I just hope that everyone isn’t just signing up for this class because he’s supposedly gorgeous,” you say with a frown, looking around at the overwhelming number of female students in the class.

“Supposedly? You mean you haven’t seen him around campus this week?” Kelly asks, raising a brow at you. You shake your head. “Well girl, you are in for a treat. He’s better than gorgeous – he’s hot as fuck,” she says with a knowing grin. 

You open your mouth to chastise her but she cuts you off. “Yes, I know he has a heat inability, but hey, it’s true. I think I’d burn myself just touching him,” she says dramatically, shaking her hand and wincing as if she was in pain.

You shake your head and turn your attention back to your computer, a wave of guilt washing over you. His inability to feel heat has made him a legend - every interview and feature article loves to use a pun about it. 

Yours on the other hand had made you a pariah. You’d made the decision to lie about it after sixth grade, so Kelly had no idea what your true weakness was.

Ever since Ben Mezrich had called you “Ice Queen” in the cafeteria and poured scalding hot, or so you’d been told, soup down your back you’d decided it was better to keep the truth to yourself. You forced your parents to let you go to a public school for high school and had started telling everyone that you couldn’t taste bitterness – it was laughably easy to fake.

In the decades since humanity had noticed these sensory deprivations evolving, myths had started to form. Can’t see certain colors? You must be narrow-minded. Can’t feel cold? Must be a hothead. Can’t feel heat? Well, then you must not have a heart. Even all these years later you still feel a shudder of fear and shame at the nasty names and rumors that had spread about you.

You see a movement in the front of class and look up to see a man walk into class. He sets his bag on the table and looks around at the now packed auditorium, an easy smile on his handsome face. You look over at Kelly and she’s dramatically raising her eyebrows at you. She’s right – he’s gorgeous.

His messy blonde hair falls into his eyes and his face is classically handsome in an almost painful way. He wears a thick grey coat similar to yours. Kelly always makes fun of you for your warm clothes and you dodge her questions as casually as you can. You always brush her off, saying that you just run cold.

The buzzing of discussion quiets down as he moves around to the front of the class, leaning casually back against the desk and looking up into the room.

“Hello and welcome, everyone. I assume you know who I am, but I’ll introduce myself in case any of you wandered in here by accident,” he says in a conversational tone. A ripple of laughter goes through the crowd. This is supposedly his first class, but he acts like he’s been doing this for years.

“I’m Mark Tuan, but I’ll fail you automatically if you try to call me Mr. Tuan,” he says gamely. “Please, it’s Mark. And while I’ll be doing a lot of talking and presenting in this class, I really want it to be a discussion. The concept of a biological soulmate is just now being seriously studied, and as far as I’m concerned, we’re in this together.”

He folds his arms across his chest, his coat falling open. You can’t help but notice how strong and lean his body looks in the grey sweater and dark jeans he wears. “Now, I suppose the first question in this sort of class is – have any of you met your soulmate?”

Everyone looks around, whispering excitedly. Kelly raises her hand, confident as always, unconcerned that she has a hundred people looking at her. Two other girls raise their hands as well, toward the front of the room.

“Excellent, would you mind telling us about it?” he asks, pointing to the first girl, a hungry look in his eyes. “How you met, what your inabilities are, if you’ve had the official test? Whatever you’re comfortable sharing.”

She goes on to detail how she and her partner met last year at a party. The next girl goes, saying that she met her soul mate at a soccer tournament out of state. Kelly goes last, sharing her story, a sweet smile coming to her lips as she finishes and you know she’s thinking about Adam and the happy years they’ve had together so far.

Several of the girls in the class are looking starry-eyed, wistful smiles on their lips as they treat these three stories as confirmation of the fairy tales they’ve been told about soulmates all their lives. You roll your eyes, drawing Mark’s attention. He quirks and eyebrow up at you and you quickly look down at your laptop, pretending like you are typing.

“Fantastic, thanks so much for sharing. We’re right on par with the rest of the world,” he says, pacing back and forth in front of the class as he speaks. “As far as recent studies can tell, approximately three to five percent of the population has found their soulmate, and of that about half have had the government supplied blood test to confirm it.”

“But beyond that – there are so many unanswered questions,” he turns to look up into the stands, his gaze lands on you. 

You fidget as he gives you a lopsided smile, his eyes holding yours for a long second before moving on. Your coat suddenly feels too heavy. You slip it off your shoulders and shrug out of it as he continues.

“So. What do we know for sure? As far as we can tell everyone has just one soulmate. There have been a few reports of people finding a second, but none have been confirmed using the test. The chemical that’s secreted into the blood stream, affectionately known by us in the field as Cupid X, rises in proximity to one’s soul mate, accompanied by a scientifically verifiable reversal of one’s inability.”

“Over the past year I’ve been working with confirmed soulmate couples, testing how this reversal is affected by prolonged proximity as opposed to separation. We’ve been able to pinpoint the distance at about a hundred feet. Further than that and it seems like there’s no effect.”

“It’s maddening, isn’t it? To think that you could pass within a football field’s length of your soulmate, somewhere out in the world – but completely miss them? Fate sure can be a bitch sometimes, can’t she?” he asks with a smirk.

“Anyways, back to the science, since that is why you’re here. I’m working with the University to set up more research with their funding, but the question remains – where do we go next? There’s so many paths we could go down,” he says, his eyes lighting up as they sweep the room. You unconsciously push the sleeves of your sweater up your arms as you lean forward, fascinated.

“For example - is there anyone in the world with two or more inabilities? Does everyone just have one? How does love come into play – does the emotional connection heighten the physical bond? What about the millions of couples who’ve fallen in love but aren’t soulmates? And is this merely a helpful hint from nature, or does this evolution in our genetics signify a larger change?”

He brings his arms out in front of him, gesturing emphatically. “But that’s why this science is so fascinating – there’s still so much that we don’t know. It’s only been in the last twenty or so years that the concept has even been on humanity’s radar; and only in the last ten or so that it’s been seriously studied.” 

He laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Sorry – I tend to get carried away. It looks like class is just about up, but before I assign you the reading allow me a demonstration,” he says, turning to pull something out of his bag on the desk.

“How many of you discovered your inability before you could speak?” he asks, pulling out a lighter.

A small handful of people raise their hands in assent. “Research shows that the vast majority of people, over seventy-five perfect, discover which sense is affected in elementary school, between the ages of five and eight,” he says, holding up the lighter with a smirk.

“I discovered mine quite early, in the days before parents began obsessively running tests on newborns. When I was three years old I knocked a candle off the table. It fell on me, on my pants, lighting them instantly. My parents screamed, throwing me into the shower and turning on the water, trying to limit how bad the burns would be. But there wasn’t a mark on me. They said I didn’t even scream,” he says, trailing off as his eyes focus on the lighter in his hand.

With a cocky grin he flicks the lighter on. A small flame appears and he runs his hand through the flame, slowly, with the confidence of some who’s done it a thousand times. But when his hand brushes the top of the flame he gasps, hissing in pain, clutching his hand to his chest reflexively and dropping the lighter.

He stares at his hand in shock and fear. The red spot forming on the wide part of his palm near his pinky finger is visible even from your seat in the back. The class starts murmuring in confusion and speculation.

A sensation on your forehead draws your attention, an unusual itching feeling. You draw your finger across the skin there, trying to relieve it. When you pull your hand back you notice a drop of moisture on your finger. Your eyes go wide in realization – staring between the drop of sweat and Mark who’s still reeling in confusion up at the front.

You whip your head around to look at your coat, down at your exposed forearms from your rolled up sweater. The synapses in your brain finally connect these disparate facts, the realization slamming into you like a freight train.

“Oh shit,” you whisper to yourself.

“What’s that?” Kelly asks, leaning over to you, her gaze still drawn to Mark at the front of the class.

“Nothing, I think I’m getting sick, that’s all,” you say in what you hope is a casual tone of voice.

A moment later, Mark composes himself. “I promise I didn’t do that just for dramatic effect,” he starts, valiantly trying to contain his surprise but obviously still reeling. “I guess I’ve come to the right place. It seems like I might just be in that three to five percent after all…” he say softly, trailing off. He turns the wrist on his non-burned hand, looking at his watch.

“Anyways, class is almost up and I’ve got to go and find some burn cream it looks like,” he says with a laugh. “Read the first three chapters in your text and complete the attached prompt on page seventy-nine for our next class,” he finishes. 

Everyone starts grabbing backpacks, shuffling papers, and standing, moving toward the door.

“I’ve got to meet up with my study group, see you later Kels?” you lie, avoiding her eyes, desperate to get out of the room.

She gives you a surprised look, but nods after a beat. You forcefully shove your laptop into your bag and pick up your coat in a rush. Standing abruptly, you move down the aisle and start down the steps, hugging the wall as you try to stay far away from Mark on your way out the door.

Once you reach the front of the building you push open the doors and step into the sunlight, holding your hands out in front of you. You stare in awe as you feel a sensation on the skin of your palms… something new, something wholly unexpected. Your eyes go misty and you tilt your head up to look at the sun, still visible high on the horizon.

“Huh. So this is heat,” you say softly to yourself. Tears spill down your cheeks, hastened by the swirling emotions inside of you – excitement, fear, relief, confusion, anger. With a shake of your head you dash down the steps toward your apartment.  

Even after the last student leaves class, he still stands there, brow furrowed, staring at the bright red burn on his hand. He’s done that little parlor trick for years. In high school to impress his friends, in college to impress girls. The wound still stings, but he can’t make himself move.

Suddenly his rational mind kicks into gear – studies haven’t yet found how long one needs to be in the presence of their soulmate for the inability to fade, or how quickly the effect fades after exposure. It could have been someone in line ahead of him at Starbucks while he was catching up with a friend that morning. It could have been a visiting lecturer he passed in the halls. He doesn’t know how long he has.

Abruptly he turns, picking up the lighter and shoving it in his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he runs from the room. He sprints across campus, his bag smacking into his hip with every step. He distantly notices that he feels something on his skin where it’s exposed to the setting sun. But he’s never been the type to bemoan the fact that he couldn’t enjoy the sun on days at the beach with his friends growing up.

Nor has he cared about missing out on hot chocolate, sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter night, or if he’s honest – the heat that was supposed to come from being with a lover. But there’s always been one fantasy of his that he desperately hopes he can fulfill before the effect fades.

He dashes up the steps to his apartment, throws open the door and kicks it shut behind him. He tears off his bag and kicks off his shoes as he moves to the bathroom. He rips the curtain back, twists the knob all the way to the left and turns the flow of water on. 

Steam fills the small room as he frantically pulls off his clothes – the mist in the air had always been an object before, something inanimate that barely deserved notice.

But as he inhales he knows that steam, that heat, is a living thing. It presses against his naked skin, envelops him in what he can finally recognize as warmth. Like a word in a foreign language, just out of reach beyond comprehension that he’s suddenly learned the meaning to. He tentatively reaches his hand under the spray, practically trembling in hope.

Relief rushes through him. A fierce surge of joy – it’s hot. He lets out a choked noise and steps in. He winces at the scalding temperature, but he couldn’t care less. He ducks his head under the flow of water, laughing in delight as the it runs down his face, his back. He stays there for countless minutes, lost in the pleasure.

When he finally pulls back he sits down on the floor of the shower, letting the water run over him. He holds his hands out in front of him, staring intently as the drops spill between his spread fingers.

His logical mind works first, as it always has. Who is his soulmate? Where did he meet you? How can he find you again? Does he even want to? Of course I do, he thinks with a shake of his head. 

How wonderfully unexpected that he, one of the leading experts in the world on the biochemistry of soulmates, had an experience like this of his own. He feels like he’s just discovered a new species, a new element, a new planet.

Then comes the longing; possibilities explode in his mind. The word soulmate has always been clinical – a fanciful description for a biological concept. But now he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to share his life with someone who was fated to be his. He wonders what it would be like to belong to someone, to have them be made for him and vice versa.

His attention returns to the water. The sensation is fading. The water is still hot, if the steam surrounding him is any indication, but he can no longer feel it. With a shake of his head he heaves himself off the floor and turns off the water. He grabs a towel and as he dries off he starts to formulate a plan.

Over the next days and weeks he keeps a log, he starts experimenting, recording.

He thinks back to everything he did that day and tries to recreate it. He visits that same Starbucks every morning for a week; lingering, waiting. But no dice. 

He follows the same pattern he took to class the same day of the week, staring up at the red brick buildings covered in ivy, wondering who you could be with a whistful smile. He wonders if he’s being silly; if the chance meeting was literally a once in a lifetime occurance.

But the sensation returns, over and over. At night he writes pages of notes, describing the rise and fall of heat - how quickly it comes on, how strong it is, how long it lasts. 

Two weeks into the quarter and he’s narrowed it down – it’s got to be someone in his class. The sense doesn’t come on at all during the other five days of the week.

The day of the seventh session of class he doesn’t leave his apartment except to go to science building. He wakes up at the crack of dawn and rushes over to his lab on the fifth level of the building, staying in his office until it’s time to go to class.

He carries a hot pack with him, the kind that stays warm for hours, tucked in his coat pocket. As the students file in he greets them with a nod of his head, his hand anxiously holding the pack in his pocket. The sense flares to life abruptly, unexpectedly and he grins broadly in triumph.

One hundred students, he thinks, scanning every face as they unpack backpacks, talk with each other. Three already have soulmates, he thinks, and unless he’s a statistical anomaly it’s unlikely that he’s matched with someone who’s already found theirs.

Thirty one are male students. There are plenty of documented cases of same sex soulmates being found, but he has a theory that a person’s sexuality comes into play. He’s almost positive that the attraction will be matched between partners, and as he’s straight, he’s confident that his partner will be female.

So that leaves sixty six. Sixty six possibilities. As he looks from face to face he meets a lot of eager faces, coy smiles trying to catch his eye. Game on, he thinks, his mind already filling with ideas on how he can narrow it down.

For the next several weeks you manage to avoid Mark Tuan outside of class. You wait in the women’s room before it starts, always giving Kelly some excuse of why you keep coming in right at the last second. The second class ends you push your way out the door, some excuse on your lips. 

After your initial emotional reaction, you’ve decided on anger. How dare this man be your soulmate? If you had told anyone about this, Kelly for instance, you would have described this turn of events as ‘highly inconvenient.’ How are you supposed to ask him your questions, tell him your theories now?

Fed up after you turn down her third offer this week to hang out, Kelly barges into your apartment and drags you out of your unintentional isolation to go to a party with her and Adam. 

As the night goes on you relax. You drink awful rum and cokes, laugh at Adam’s endearingly bad jokes, and talk with Kelly about the other classes she’s taking for her MFA. For a few hours you forget all about Mark Tuan.

“Holy shit - Ice Queen? Is that you?” a male voice calls off to your right abruptly.

Turning your head you see a tall, burly man making his way through the crowd do you. “Oh fuck,” you say out loud and Kelly swivels her head in his direction.

Ben Mezrich. Even here, at college - on the other side of the state - you can’t escape him. He’s broader, his hair buzz cut short. Mark’s words on the first day of class come back to you. Fate, you bitch, you think sarcastically, your lips twisting into a savage smile.

He finally reaches you, putting his hand on your shoulder, either not realizing how intrusive the motion is or not caring in his drunken state. “What are you doing here?” he slurs.

“I go to school here, Ben,” you say flatly. “What about you?”

“Oh, I work here. My girlfriend got me a job at her dad’s bank downtown. So, are you still a frigid bitch?” he asks, sloppily waggling his eyebrows up and down as he brazenly check you out.

Your forced smile drops, your eyes turning hard as you stare him down. He gets bored after a moment, as if your silence renders you invisible to him, and with a shrug he turns around and blunders back through the crowd to his friends.

Kelly puts a hand on your arm, turning you to face her. “Y/N, what was that all about?” she says, not unkindly, with an inquisitive raise of her brow. “Why was that asshole calling you ‘ice queen’?”

You sigh and take a large sip of your drink. “Kels, you know how I always said I can’t taste bitterness?” She nods. “Well, that’s kind of... a lie. Guys like Ben used to pick on me growing up; all those myths about heat deficiency meaning you’re a ‘cold robot’ got to them.”

You tell her the story of the awful day with the soup. “I just wanted to be someone else for a while, so I lied. I’m sorry,” you say when it’s over, staring down into your cup.

She clicks her tongue and you look up cautiously. “God, you think I care about that? Inabilities are totally your private business, I’d never hold it against you for not telling me,” she says, giving you a warm smile and squeezing your arm.

“But holy shit, was that why you ran out of class that day? Why you’ve been avoiding people like the plague? Did your sense come back? Is Mark fucking Tuan your soulmate?” she yells, her excitement bubbling over.

You sigh dramatically and down the rest of your drink. “I think he might be,” you say noncommittally, looking anywhere but her face.

“Wait wait wait. Why haven’t you told him?” she demands, her eyes wide with excitement.

You open your mouth to speak, but snap it shut. What can you say? That you’re afraid, that you’re pissed off, that you’re confused – all of your life plans thrown out of whack?

“Ugh, I was so focused coming into this degree. When I found out he’d be a professor, it was everything I wanted. Kick ass in his class, win a spot on his research team, spend my days working on this fascinating science,” you say. “But this recent development makes things… challenging.”

She gives you a teasing smirk. “I’ve never known you to be one to turn down a challenge,” she says, clinking her empty cup to yours.

You shake your head in amusement, a wry smile coming to your lips.

You decide to get creative. After class one day you just email him instead. You send him your latest theory about the soulmate bond developing out of an ideal combination of genes for procreation, asking his thoughts.

He responds an hour later with some articles he’s found on the offspring of confirmed soulmates, noting their higher intelligence ratings. You counter with a study that found no noticeable difference in the intelligence, physical abilities, or attractiveness of the children of soulmates.

You end up emailing back and forth for hours, late into the night. His mind is fascinating, the way he pushes you to consider other ideas, the disparate sources he draws from. He’s incredibly well read, curious, and open-minded – he doesn’t ever turn down your ideas, he considers them thoroughly, fairly.

Against your better judgment, you like him even more. You roll your neck, standing to grab a cup of tea. As you stir, your mind wanders to how he looked today.

The connection, the rise in heat, is instant, for both of you it seems. You come to class bundled up but now you’ve come to expect the rush of heat and take off your layers as soon as you sit down. 

He does the same. Today he’d come to class and pulled off his coat, revealing narrow fitting slacks and a tight, deep blue button-up shirt. He looked so good you almost broke your pen in half in a rush of frustration and desire.

You shake your head to yourself as you walk back to your spot. This soulmate thing is entertaining at least, you think. You fold your leg up underneath you on the couch, taking a sip as you wait for his reply. The message comes through a moment later.

Why don’t you stay after class tomorrow and we can discuss this further?

“Shit,” you say to yourself.

“Just do it,” Kelly stage whispers in your ear the next day while you both wait on the stairs for people to file out in front of you.

“No,” you reply with a swift shake of your head. You’ve already decided not to talk to him, leaving his email unanswered. Besides, there are tons of people in this class, there’s no way he can know which one you are, you tell yourself.

A tightness comes to your chest as you stand there, willing the students in front of you to move faster. You tap your foot nervously. The secret you carry, that you’re his soulmate, feels like it’s clawing at your throat. As if it’s going to burst from your lips if you don’t keep your focus every second you’re around him. 

Finally, the line starts moving.

Kelly pauses by the door, rummaging in her purse, people flowing out the door around you two. “Hey babe, can you hold this for a sec?” she asks, holding her coffee thermos out.

“Sure,” you say, your eyes darting back and forth anxiously between her and where Mark is putting papers back in his briefcase. You reach out and distractedly take her metal travel mug.

“Ahh,” you hiss loudly, wincing in surprise as your bare palm touches the hot metal of the container. You barely manage to avoid dropping it, bringing your other hand up to clasp it as well.

Your eyes meet with Mark’s as he looks up in alarm at your noise of alarm. You close your eyes tightly for a moment, then open them to look at Kelly in disapproval. She’s abandoned the pretense of taking something out of her bag and has folded her arms, giving you a smug look of satisfaction.

“Oh, sorry about that Y/N. I keep forgetting,” she says dramatically with feigned casualness.

You tear your gaze away from Mark and stare daggers at her. You thrust the thermos at her, grabbing her arm in yours and steering her toward the door. Panic rises in you, you hope that he didn’t notice. But damn him, he’s too quick and observant for his own good.

“Wait – you have a heat deficiency, too?” he calls from behind you and you reluctantly turn around.

“Well she did,” Kelly says slowly with a smirk. “Until the beginning of your class.” She winks at you and pushes out the door.

It closes with a soft thud, leaving you and Mark alone in the room together. You regard each other, keeping your distance. He looks you up and down appreciatively, as if he can’t believe you’re real.

“It’s been you this whole time?” he says, incredulous, looking you up and down. “Wait, you’re not the Y/N that was messaging me last night too, are you?”

You nod slowly. “Wow, beautiful and intelligent too, I think I won the soulmate lottery,” he says with a wide, lazy grin.

You scoff. “Just because I’m your soulmate doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to sleep with you,” you deadpan, feeling feisty at being reminded of the fact that you’re supposedly fated to be together. “You don’t have to try to charm me.”

He bursts out laughing, bending over at his waist. You can’t help the smile that spreads across your lips. Against your better judgment, you finally accept that you like him. He doesn’t have to know that, though, you think.

“And devastatingly sassy, too. I love you already,” he says as he straightens up, his face still alight with amusement. “This is so surreal. Do you want to go get a drink?”

You let out a laugh and shrug. “Sure, why not?”

“So, about your latest theory – where did you find your source, that article about the different ethnic groups study?” he asks, walking over to hold the door open for you.

You pick up the thread of the conversation, grateful that he doesn’t push you to talk about a potential relationship, or whatever it would be between you two. He chooses a restaurant down the street and you both order burgers and beer, bouncing ideas back and forth at a rapid pace.

He’s even more charming and articulate in person, you think as you take a sip, watching him as he relates his colleague’s idea about the differences and similarities in chemical reaction between soulmates and confirmed non-soulmates that are in love.

He’s even more attractive up close, you think with a sigh. You wonder if it’s like this for other people, for those non-soulmates who love each other. If they’re drawn to each other this viscerally. 

It’s unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. The closest thing you can relate it to is the studies you’ve read about addiction. That the more you ingest something – sugar, caffeine, heroin – the more that you crave it.

You’re suddenly afraid of needing him, of wanting something that intensely. 

You take a huge sip of your drink. The feelings rising in you for him, both physical and emotional, feel ominous, terrifying. Like a tsunami that you can feel in your bones is coming, but that you yet spot on the horizon.

“So, have you had sex before? How was it for you?” he asks curiously. You look up abruptly, startled out of your thoughts by his question.

There’s a devilish look in his eyes that tells you he’s acutely aware of the line between academic and personal that he’s just crossed. You hesitate, hovering on the line, wondering if you should step across it with him. After a beat you decide to just go for it.

“Yes, with my boyfriend in college. It was… fine. I guess. Like it was physically pleasurable, but more like – a relaxing massage. Or that feeling of when you go over the top of a roller coaster, and you plummet down.”

He’s watching you curiously, toying the rim of his bottle against his lips. “But I’ve heard from Kelly that being with her soulmate, it’s… umm, more intense? In comparison. That’s what she says anyway,” you finish in a rush, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I’ve had similar experiences. I wonder how it would be between the two of us,” he says thoughtfully.

Your jaw drops, a flush coming to your cheeks. You press your hands against them, not used to the feeling of blood pumping there. As always, denial and anger are the safest places to land.

“Well, that’s not going to happen any time soon,” you say firmly and he laughs.

“I was just proposing an experiment. Out of scientific curiosity, of course,” he says with a smirk.

“Yeah, right,” you say sarcastically, picking up your burger to take another bite.

[Y/N 7:02pm] YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH OMFG [Y/N 7:02pm] why would you do that to me??? [Kelly 7:03pm] god knows you were never going to do anything about it [Kelly 7:03pm] how did it go??? it’s been like [Kelly 7:03pm] over THREE HOURS [Kelly 7:03pm] what did you guys do?? [Y/N 7:04pm] we just grabbed drinks together [Y/N 7:04pm] and we talked [Kelly 7:04pm] and??? 👀 [Y/N 7:05pm] okay fine he hit on me [Y/N 7:05pm] but he also offered me an internship with his research team [Y/N 7:05pm] so like [Y/N 7:05pm] i’d say i broke even [Kelly 7:06pm] omfg [Kelly 7:06pm] YOU’RE WELCOMEEEEE [Y/N 7:07pm] okay but i still hate you [Kelly 7:07pm] whatever [Kelly 7:07pm] just remember that i have dibs on being maid of honor at your wedding 😘 [Y/N 7:08pm] i hate you so much

You manage to resist for two weeks. 

Fourteen days is as long as you can manage before your burning curiosity finally breaks you. Fourteen days of getting lost in the way his mouth carefully forms each word as he speaks. Fourteen days of biting your lip, turning away when he meets your eye in class, or during a meeting in the lab. 

Two weeks, that felt like they lasted a millennia.

It started your first day at the lab, his official ‘welcome’ handshake when you met the team lingering just a second too long – his gaze holding yours a beat longer than necessary. 

Next, it escalated to small touches. A brush of your waist as he reached for the next stack of interviews. His arm grazing yours as he leaned over you to grab a new set of slides for the next sample. His knee touching yours under the table repeatedly whenever you grab lunch or dinner together.

It’s the way he looks when you catch him staring at you, a hunger in his eyes that makes your skin feel too tight. You’re sure you must look the same, as you sneak in glances at him while his back is turned.

His infuriating smile tells you that he knows exactly what he’s doing; testing you, testing himself. Pushing you both until you’re strung so tight you feel like he could breathe on you and you’d fall apart.

Tonight is another late night, everyone else went home hours ago. You’re bouncing from foot to foot, trying to keep your focus as you enter more data into the spreadsheets. He moves to the microscope next to you, his hand trailing across your lower back as he moves, leaving a trail of fire even through the layer of your shirt.

You sigh pointedly, but his hand remains. It was never like this, with the men before him. You never lost your focus, never wanted any of them so badly you could taste it. Your need for him threatens to drag you under, to bury you with the weight of its intensity.

“Mark,” you say firmly, closing your eyes briefly, steeling yourself against the heat building in you at his touch. He looks up from his microscope, raising his eyebrows in attention, his hand frozen in place low on your back.

“Hmm?” he asks, feigning innocence. “Did you need something?”

“You know damn well what I need,” you grit out between your teeth, dropping your eyes to stare meaningfully at his hand on you.

“Yes. I do. Because I need it too,” he says in a low voice, deliberately misunderstanding you. He stands up fully, moving his body in front of yours.

He rests his hands on the counter on either side of you, his face inches from yours. This close you can’t hide your feelings for him; you know your desperate want is broadcast across your face. His smug smile fades, melts away into something softer, sweeter.

“But if you don’t want me, I’ll drop it. I just – I’ve never felt like this before. Physically. Emotionally. It’s like I can only breathe when I’m touching you, and every second I spend away from you is a shallow breath,” he says, barely above a whisper.

“It’s fascinating really, reading about this, and now experiencing it,” he says with a soft laugh. “I always thought they were exaggerating the pull. But now I think they might have been underselling it.”

You let out a shaky breath, furrowing your brow as you scan his face. Has it really only been a few weeks since you saw him for the first time? It feels like you’ve been wanting him, craving him, for decades. Your heart rate kicks up as you realize you can feel his body heat in the narrow space between you.

He lifts a hand, bringing it to cup your jaw. His thumb traces a lazy trail across your cheek, his eyes following the motion in awe. You know what he’s feeling. There’s something magnetic between you, it’s overwhelming - the way that your connection feels destined, fated.

“Is it always like this?” you wonder aloud softly. “Between soulmates. In your interviews, have you ever found a pair that doesn’t feel this…. chemistry?” Your lips twist into a wry grin. His eyes flare in awareness as he processes what you’re saying, arousal pooling between your legs at the intensity that comes to his gaze.

“I mean, maybe we should put it to the test. For science,” you continue, tentatively bringing your hands up to rest on his hips. Without intending to, your fingers dig into the fabric of his shirt, your body automatically moving to pull him closer before your mind catches up.

His other hand leaves the counter, coming to rest along the curve of your waist, fitting perfectly as if it belongs there. He leans forward carefully, pressing his body flush against yours. You both inhale sharply at the contact. It makes you wonder how you ever lived with the absence of him against you, now that you know what it feels like to have him here in front of you, wanting you.

His closeness seems to heighten not just your ability to feel heat, but your other senses as well. This close, you breathe in the faint hint of his musky cologne. This close, colors seem richer; the red of his lips, the deep brown of his eyes. This close, you can almost taste him, and you lick your lips at the thought.

He groans, a low gravelly sound in this throat, as he follows the motion of your tongue. He moves his hand, tilting your head up toward him. Your lips part unconsciously in anticipation. 

“For science, huh?” he says, grinning.

You nod, smirking at him, straightening your back and moving your mouth close to his. “We are scientists, after all. I’d say it’s our duty.”

“Absolutely,” he breathes against your lips. He brings his mouth against yours, enveloping you in his arms. Your lips land slightly off center, mirroring how you feel, thrown out of yourself at the intensity of feeling. As he presses against you, sliding his lips along yours gently, you feel as if your world has been knocked sideways.

He pulls back and a moan leaves you at the absence, feeling bereft without his lips on yours. You lift your hands to his neck, pulling him fiercely against you, slanting your lips against his. He groans into your mouth, pressing you into the counter with his hips.

The hand on your back flexes, brushing up the fabric of your shirt and sliding along your bare skin. He swallows the whine that leaves your throat and you can feel him hardening against your thigh. The sudden rush of desire that rises in your core leaves you breathless.

As he works his mouth against yours his hand slides around to the front, brushing along your waist. You cling to him desperately, feeling unmoored as you drown in want, holding onto him as the only solid thing you can find. When his fingers graze the underside of your breast you open your mouth in surprise.

He smirks against you, taking the opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth, pressing it along yours as his thumb finds your sensitive nipple over the fabric of your bra. You grip his shirt in your hands, fisting the material, trying to keep yourself together. He pulls back again, breathing heavily.

“Do you want to go all the way with this?” he asks, his hips rocking into yours, his erection brushing against your sensitive core.

You bite your lip, trying to find a rational reason to say no and finding none. You release your lip with a gasp, grinding your hips against him in response. “Yes, god yes,” you breathe.

He smirks against you, pulling your lower lip into his mouth as his hands drop to work on his belt. Now that you’ve given in fully to your desire for him, you can’t contain it. You undress each other in a flurry of clothes and lips and hands, ending up naked, pressed against each other, leaning on the counter.

He dips his hand between your legs and you gasp as he trails a finger through your folds. He grins, finding you wet and ready. A possessive gleam comes to his eyes as he slides a finger into you, watching as you close your eyes with a sigh. He crooks his finger, rubbing against that sensitive spot on your inner walls and you tilt your head up to give him a challenging stare.

He laughs and bends down to recapture your lips. After a minute he’s so hard it hurts. Unable to wait any longer, he grips your thigh, pulling your leg over his hip and positioning himself at the entrance.

Suddenly he shakes his head with a laugh. “Jesus, what was I thinking. Hang on, I have a condom somewhere,” he says and sets your leg down.

You turn, leaning against the counter on your elbows, grinning as you watch him run around the lab in the nude. “It’s nice to know you’re as affected as I am,” you say with a laugh. “I can’t think straight when you’re around.”

He laughs, glancing over at you with a grin as he digs in a drawer. “You know, I was a very organized person before you came into my life.”

“I know what you mean,” you laugh, a warmth rushing through your body that has nothing to do with lust, and all to do with another four letter l word.

He disappears into his office and emerges triumphant, holding up a condom. He rips open the package and sheathes himself. His hot gaze runs up and down your body, considering.

“You know, I think I’m going to need both my hands with you,” he says with a wicked grin. Looking around he sees a folding chair in the corner, its back against the wall. He sits down and motions you over, crooking his finger at you with a wink. “Come here.”

You walk over, spreading your legs on either side of him. His hands run up your thighs, coming to grip the flesh of your ass. You reach a hand down to grab him, positioning him against you. 

As you ease down you can’t help the moan that escapes you. Needy whines leave you as his cock stretches you out. A warmth builds in you as you slide down onto him that blows away anything you’ve felt before.

He groans, his hands gripping your thighs as you adjust to the feeling of him inside you. After a beat, he starts moving. Rocking his hips, he moves within you, pushing and pulling your hips, his fingers digging into your skin. 

You press your heels into the floor, tilting back to rest your hands against his legs for purchase. You swirl your hips, circling around him as he slides you back and forth on his cock. The friction is so delicious you smother a scream.

He drops his head to the wall with a thud, watching you through hooded eyes. “Has it ever felt like this for you?” he asks, his voice straining.

You laugh. “Ever the scientist. No, god. It’s never been this good before.”

A sheen of sweat comes to his brow and you grin, knowing that your skin is just as flushed. You shake your head, your mouth falling open as he snaps his hips up, driving himself into you suddenly. You hold yourself there, above him, as he thrusts into you deeply.

“Fuck, it’s too much,” you say between desperate breaths. “I feel like I’m being burned alive,” you pant, throwing your head back.

He bends back, opening up space so he can reach between you. In a rush he brings a hand to your clit, his thumb stroking you in frantic circles. His lips find the delicate joining of your neck and shoulder and he licks along it. His breath ghosts along your skin, his muffled groans turning you on more than you thought was possible.

Gently he bites down, barely pressing his teeth against your skin. But along with his bucking hips and the motion of his hand, it’s enough to send you over the edge. Your nails dig into his shoulders as you come, clinging to him as the pleasure bursts forth - more intense than you’ve ever felt, with the accompanying explosion of warmth in your core.

After a beat he sits up, wrapping an arm low across back and one across your shoulders. He rocks into you at a rapid pace, chasing his own completion. The movement pulls at your sensitive core, the aftershocks of your own orgasm making you gasp against him. He lets out a strangled moan, panting against your skin as he comes. Even after he stills he keeps his tight hold on you, not wanting to let you go just yet.

You rest your forehead against his shoulder, turning so you face his neck, inhaling his scent. You sit there in each others arms, a messy tangle of limbs and hair and lips, until your breathing finally slows. His hand runs a lazy path up and down your back as he holds you to him, the other cupping your neck as you rest against him. A growing cramp in your hip eventually forces you to sit up and readjust.

“Want to head to my place and do this again?” he asks, his eyes alight with happiness, holding your head in both of his hands.

“God, yes,” you say with a giddy laugh, leaning forward to kiss him again.

You wake in his bed, in his arms, and you think back to last night. He’d made love to you again,; softer, slower the second time. His weight on top of you, steady and grounding, as he thrust into you. His mouth against your neck, trailing hot open mouthed kisses against the skin there. Endearments and praise had spilled from his lips as you found your completion together in the darkness.

You blink, still in disbelief that it had really happened - it felt like a dream. But his body, molded to yours under the sheets, reassures you that it was real.

In movies this is the end, this is where you fall headfirst in love. An easy slide, and that’s it – happily ever after. But instead you feel off-kilter, as if you can’t firmly grasp the threads of your life. The warmth of his body, of the bed, is lulling you into a life you’re not sure you can handle.

In the morning light, things suddenly seem… messy. The carefully laid out life you’ve built for yourself feels like it’s crumbling. Fear and panic rise in you and all at once want to leave. You want to run, now. 

You slide out of his arms gently, making sure not to wake him. In the dim light you dress and grab your things, heading out into the cold streets. You shiver and burrow closer into your coat, the cold air mocking you and your cowardice.

You manage not to see him for days, holing up in your apartment. He emails you, multiple times, wanting to know where you went, what’s wrong. But you leave them unanswered, unable to find the words to articulate the complex swirl of emotions and thoughts in your mind. Unsure how to reconcile the seemingly opposite desires in your heart – for him, and for peace, order; for a life where you belong only to yourself.

Now that it’s late fall the temperature has dropped. You can see your breath as you venture out to quickly grab groceries. The cool air, the lack of warmth, taunts you. But you resist, upset again that nature has forced this on you. This bond, this intensity, that you never asked for. 

You miss him everywhere. Your bed feels empty, the water in the shower has returned to it’s bland sensation. The accompanying rush of heat you’d become used to whenever you think of his hands, his lips, has vanished. 

His absence is almost more painful than his presence, but you stubbornly cling to the hope that you might be able to function without him.

You call out sick from your internship on Friday, thankfully getting another person on the phone and not Mark. You skip his class the following Tuesday. You ask Kelly to get you the homework and share her notes with you. She does, because she loves you. But she also knows that something is wrong the moment you ask her.

She knocks on your door later that night. “I know you’re in there, Y/N. You’d better open up or I’m going to break this door down,” she says with as much sternness as she can muster.

You crack open the door, giving her a sheepish smile as she strides into the apartment. “What’s going on with you?” she demands, folding her arms.

You shut the door with a sigh, turning to rest your back against it. “We slept together,” you blurt out.

Her jaw drops. “Oh my god, you finally gave in,” she says excitedly. “How was it? Tell me everything! I can’t fucking believe you didn’t call me like, the second after you came,” she says and you laugh out loud.

“It was incredible. I’ve never felt like that, ever. It was like I was being consumed by a wildfire. Like my very blood was going to burn,” you say, desperately willing your body to recall the sensations. You sigh in frustration when you realize you can’t.

She raises her eyebrows, holding out her hands. “So? What’s the problem? I feel like I’m missing something.”

“Kels, I can’t do this – it’s – it’s too much. Everything about this is just too much for me,” you say, bringing your thumb to your lips, chewing on the skin nervously. “Do you think it’s because of the soulmate bond… or is it because I lo-” you snap your mouth closed as if you could stifle your feelings.

“Wait – what did you just say,” she presses, a predatory look coming to her eye. She points her finger at you and you know you’re screwed. “You were about to say you love him, weren’t you?”

You cover your face with your hands. “Maybe?” you admit weakly. With a groan you drop your hands. “But how do I handle this, Kels? The way he was looking at me that night, it was so open and trusting. What do I do with that kind of power over someone? And I’ve been a wreck since I met him too. How do I cope with the fact that he has so much influence over me, it’s infuriating,” you say dejectedly.

She grins, coming over to run her hands up and down your arms soothingly. “Babe, that’s love. It’s absolutely fucking terrifying. But it’s so worth it, too. You have to give him a chance, even if you’re afraid of trusting him – trust me. I wouldn’t lie to you. And if you give it a shot, I think it’ll be better than you can imagine. But if it all goes to hell, I’ll be here for you then too,” she finishes softly, holding your gaze as you feel your eyes go misty.

You let out a shaky breath. “I can try. But what if I hurt him? What if –” you start but she claps her hand over your mouth.

She tilts her head, giving you a gentle but stern look. “You can’t know what’s going to happen in the future. But you have to at least try, okay?”

After a beat you nod and she cautiously lowers her hand. “I think you have somewhere to be, don’t you?”

“You’re right,” you say, a nervous excitement building in your stomach as you think about what you’re going to have to do.

“That’s my girl,” she says. “Now where’s that black skirt I’ve always wanted to see you in?” she says excitedly as she rushes over to your closet. You laugh and wrap your arms around yourself, smiling to yourself.

The lab is quiet, as it always is this late at night. He’s at his computer when you walk in and he turns to look at you, his eyes widening as he drinks you in. He stands up in a rush, coming over to you, stopping a few paces away, hesitating.

“It’s only been a few days, but it feels like an eternity since I saw you last,” he says with a laugh. “How do people handle this?” he muses, waving a hand between the two of you.

You grin and shrug. “I don’t know. I handled it by freaking out and running away, so I’m probably not the best person to ask,” you say, carefully watching his reaction.

He gives you a lopsided smile, sliding his hands into his pockets. “Ah. Is that what was going on? I was worried I’d pushed you too far. If you didn’t come to class on Thursday I was going to send out a search party,” he says with a smirk. “Or, more accurately, I was going to ask your friend where you were.”

You rock forward on your heels nervously. “So you still... want me, even after I left?” you ask softly.

He takes a step toward you, then another, until he’s inches away. His hands come to your waist, as if he can’t bear to wait another second to touch you. 

“Y/N, it’s going to take more than that to drive me away,” he says earnestly. “I was freaked out too. It’s a lot to handle, everything we feel. But I’m willing to try and figure it out with you, if you still want me, too.”

You let out a laugh, finally looking up to meet his gaze. “‘If I want you too’? Do you really not know how much I want you? How much I think about you? You turned my world upside down and I have to focus all the time just to think about anything but you,” you say, smiling up at him.

He bites his lip as his mouth twists into a lopsided grin. “Well, you did leave me in bed all alone…” he says teasingly.

Your jaw drops in indignation and you scoff. “I guess I’ll just have to find some way to make it up to you, then,” you say seductively.

He bends down, his lips hovering over yours. “Mmm, I look forward to it,” he says with a wink.

You lean up on your toes, sealing your lips over his, pulling yourself against him. His hands wrap securely around your waist, holding you tight. He smiles against your lips, and you feverishly hope that he never lets you go.

[blesspastacraig]

Sixteen (SP Drabble Bomb Day 1 - Decade)

Here’s my offering for the @spdrabblebomb prompt decade!

Predominantly Craig focused but there’s some light Creek.

Just a story about Craig and all his Stripes throughout the years.

On ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765684/chapters/34146584

Drabble Track - Sixteen - Lucy Camp

I Don't Wanna Be Sixteen Again I’m Just Nostalgic

Craig has been a keen owner of Guinea pigs since age eight. He used to hang around the pet store while his mother ran errands a couple of stores down. He’d place his chubby little hands on the glass and peer in at them as they waddled around the cage going about their day. He wanted one more than he wanted the new season of Red Racer on DVD or maybe, even more than he wanted a telescope, to look up at the stars.

But his Parents said no, both to the Guinea pig and the telescope. They said that he was too young to be responsible for either of them. That didn’t stop him from asking, though. He begged almost every day for a year, and on his eighth birthday, his tired parents finally gave in.

He woke up to find a small cage in the middle of their living room with a tiny, squeaking fluffball inside. An all-black baby with only a singular white stripe across its nose. Craig was almost too scared to pick the baby up: what if he broke it? He remembered the instructions from one of the books on Guinea pig care he read religiously, in an effort to try and convince his parents that he was responsible enough to take care of one. He gently picked up the baby, making sure all four legs and its bottom were supported before he nestled it to his chest.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” He asked.

It is, in fact, a girl. Craig and his family find that out for sure when Craig peers into her cage one day to see Stripe (Craig wasn’t very creative with names), and two smaller Stripes wheeking up at him for breakfast.

Craig has to cover his mouth to stop himself from shrieking with excitement. (Loud noises scare Guinea pigs, one of the many things he recently learnt about them.)

He goes bounding down the stairs from his bedroom into the kitchen to where his mother’s packing their school lunches for the day.

“Stripe had babies, Mom!” It’s the most animated Craig’s sounded in a good while. Well, probably since he got Stripe, at the very least.

“She what?”

“She had two babies! Look!” Craig excitedly grabs her hand with his own little one and tugs. Laura Tucker obliges, bewildered that her son’s Guinea pig has somehow managed to multiply.

(When they call the pet shop they got Stripe from, they get a bored teenager who tells them that it’s hard to tell when a Guinea pig is pregnant. Thomas and Laura know there’s no way they can take Stripe back for a refund now. Craig is attached.)

That afternoon, Craig borrows a book about caring for Guinea Pig babies at the library. He decides to name the babies “Stripe #2” and “Stripe #3”, and his parents give up on any idea of giving them away.

All three (all girls, by some kind of freak of nature) die suddenly and together not long after Craig has turned ten. Craig strongly suspects foul play, but he can’t prove it. His parents blame it on the temperature, but Craig doesn’t buy it.

All he can do is try not to cry about it in front of his friends, lest they label him a crybaby like Clyde. According to all the books he immersed himself in after becoming a Guinea pig owner, two years isn’t a particularly long life for a Guinea pig, and that makes him very sad. For all he could see, they were just happy, furry goofballs who had never done anything wrong in their short lives.

Why did his pets have to die? Why couldn’t it have been someone else’s, someone who didn’t care as much? Or why couldn’t they at least have been older? It doesn’t feel right or fair.

Despite the fact that Craig called him a crybaby countless times, Clyde still comes over and helps him make drawings to mark their graves. Clyde later takes those drawings and gets them laminated for Craig, so they’ll still be there after the rain.

Craig doesn’t call Clyde a crybaby again after that.

Craig starts dating Tweek before deciding to get a new Guinea pig. He hadn’t meant to; they’re only ten and have no idea what they’re doing, but it seems to make everyone around them happy. Tweek’s not so bad himself, not really, it’s nice to be spending so much time with someone he genuinely likes and doesn’t feel like he needs to impress all the time. Craig discovers that’s one upside to dating Tweek instead of girls. Girls seem to have these expectations of him that he could never hope to meet. He’s supposed to not play in the dirt? No way! At least Tweek is there, playing in the muck with him, which is much more fun in his opinion.

Tweek knows Craig is sad about Stripe and her babies. So sad that he hasn’t even thrown away their cage or any of their toys. Craig is pretty sure that his parents aren’t going to let him have another one anyway. Tweek is nice to him about it, though. He takes Craig to the movies, and offers him his leftover fries when they go to McDonalds afterwards. He holds his hand a lot, which is more helpful than Craig expected.

When they head past the pet store, Tweek stops, and they both end up hovering out front for a few crucial seconds. “Can we look?” Tweek asks, and Craig shrugs.

Tweek wants to look at Guinea pigs. Craig tries not to fall in love with a particular tricolour—one with a white stripe across their nose.

“Do you like that one?” Tweek asks him. “I want to get you -nnn- one you like.”

“You want to get me what?” Craig frowns. There’s no way his Mom will just let him bring home another Guinea pig.

“I’ve been saving up… you seemed so -ah- sad. Your Mom and Dad said I could. As long as I got a boy.”

“Oh,” Craig says, dumbly. “I like that one, yeah.”

He doesn’t say thank you in words—but in the way he holds Tweek’s hand the whole way home.

Craig comes home with his first boy Guinea pig in a cardboard box. There won’t be any surprise babies this time, but Craig is sure both he and Tweek can be enough to entertain Stripe #4.

Stripe #4 passes when Craig and Tweek are teenagers. Just on the cusp of making their relationship more real, more genuine. Not just two little kids play-dating because that’s what they saw their parents do. At least Craig has had the label ‘gay’ slapped on him since he was ten, so he doesn’t feel so weird about wanting to kiss Tweek for real.

Craig has braces, and Tweek is a little chubby around the middle, but Craig figures at least they can go through their awkward stage together.

The vet suspects cancer, which is very common in rodents, and Craig is inclined to agree. Tweek promises over and over that it was nothing Craig did and that even the best care can’t prevent something like cancer. Craig still feels guilty anyway. Tweek bought Stripe #4 for him, and Craig hasn’t kept him alive very long at all. Five years is a good run, but this Stripe had only gotten to have four.

Craig makes Stripe #4 a marker for his grave in woodwork, and Tweek lovingly bedazzles it. They add it to the Guinea pig cemetery in Laura’s flower beds and sit in silence as a tribute. Craig rests his head on Tweek’s shoulder, and Tweek holds him close so that any nosy neighbors won’t see him cry.

When they decide to get Stripe #5 (there’s no discussion on what he will be named), they go together. They also pay together, half and half - it feels weirdly adult. Craig feels like it’s a commitment even if they’re only fifteen and clueless. Their only condition is that they have to get a boy again: Craig’s parents are still scarred from the surprise baby debacle and will not chance a girl ever again.

“That one looks like he has hat hair!” Tweek exclaims, pointing to a small boy with black and white fur, a white stripe along his nose, and an impressive-looking crest. Craig doesn’t correct him regarding the crest, and instead laughs along with him.

“He looks small,” Craig says. “Do you think he’s okay?”

“I think he’ll be just fine if someone who really -hnn- cares takes him home with them,” Tweek replies, knowingly. After nearly five years together, Tweek can read him like a damn book, and Craig has a love-hate relationship with that fact.

“Okay then,” Craig says. “I want him then, if you do?”

Tweek does, although he argues on the way home that they should have named him Pepe Le Pew.

At eighteen, ten years after he set his eyes on Stripe #1 in all her glory, Craig and Tweek have a huge decision to make. Sure, applying for colleges and choosing your future is super hard, but for Craig the most agonising part is deciding what to do with Stripe #5. He’s three years old, and as far as Craig can tell, he’s perfectly healthy and thriving. He’s doubled in size since they first brought him home as a tiny runt who could fit nicely in Craig’s palm. They could take him along, but that would mean they’d have to find a pet-friendly apartment. Living on campus would also be completely ruled out. It narrows their accommodation options by a lot.

Craig thinks maybe it might be better if they leave him behind. Craig and Tweek could always come back to visit him during their holidays - Craig’s bedroom in South Park is all he really knows, and Craig isn’t sure that it would be kind to move him somewhere else potentially hours away.

When Tricia offers to take him, Craig breathes a secret sigh of relief.

He feels, in an odd way, he’s passing the baton to her. Maybe she’ll become as avid a Guinea pig lover as him. Maybe in the future, Craig and Tweek will get another Guinea pig once they’ve finished college and have a place all their own.

That doesn’t mean Craig still doesn’t shed a tear as he and Tweek bundle their things into Tweek’s hand-me-down car. Tweek holds his hand over the console as they drive away, without their beloved Stripe #5.

[curiousdelights]

A Little Bit of Fate [1/?]

Pairing: Yoosung Kim x CMC (Areum Lee)

Plot: An odd request for help brings Areum to an apartment where she meets a group of people through a messaging application, plunging herself to help them towards a charitable goal. She forms friendships within the group and soon rekindles a spark with a member who she hasn’t seen in almost a decade.

Background: Inspired by this. When I first played Mystic Messenger, Yoosung was my very first route and guess what? I actually chose the name Areum for my MC lololol. So when we got to this part of the chat (Idk, I think this was around Day 3 in Casual Story), I was surprised lmao but it gave me this idea that MC (Areum) and Yoosung could have been classmates before haha. So anyway, this fic will be multi-chaptered so good luck to me. It’s almost like a rewrite of Yoosung’s route, probably.

-

I. A little bit of spark

-

They say first love never dies.

A cliché statement, but a famous one nonetheless.

To some, the idea is a normal component of one’s life, ironically forgotten when more loves come around to replace it in later time. To another set of some, it is simply a silly sentence that’s overused in literary and film, and not something to ponder much about; just a fleeting flick of emotion. But of course, to yet another set of some, it is a nice thought: a pure and innocent thought and proof of one’s own heart beating for another for the first time in their lives.

Most of the time, first love exists during youth when the heart is at its most tender stage, when the idea of love is a mere bud on a stem, with emotions being the nurturing guide towards bloom.

Do you remember your first love?

-

Thursday afternoons always held art classes under one of the most carefree teachers Yoosung has ever had so far in elementary. He looked forward to it because it gave him a break from all the textbook reading and problem solving. However focused he could be in those subjects, art class was a welcome change in pace. He wasn’t all too good at it (he’d be lucky to draw what could at least look like a horse?) but he liked this time of day and he liked trying to draw the animations he watched on television with his friends.

Yet if his eleven-year-old heart would be much more honest, those were only little parts of the reason.

The biggest reason was because he could approach a certain young girl he fancied. Due to the freedom provided in this certain art class, all of them were quite free to wander around the classroom and mingle with their classmates, provided that you were still discussing the current project, not making any noise, and actually doing the assigned task to be submitted at the end of the period. So Yoosung takes this chance, albeit in careful portions.

He was a shy and sensitive kid, but he had an excuse to walk up to the aforementioned girl. She had a friend that was good with art. He could pretend to need help from that one but talk more with the other.

Today, they were tasked to draw sceneries with the use of pencils. Shading and outline were the focus. Yoosung was thankful they didn’t dabble with watercolors this time around. He hated watercolors. He thought they were messy under his fingers so he wondered how artists didn’t mind and still end up with masterpieces.

He may never really know.

Yoosung, along with his friend, Hyunsik, tabled with the group of girls. They had been doing this for about a week now and the former only hoped it didn’t seem all too weird, although it seems nobody minded anyway.

“Hi!” Yoosung greeted the group. There were three of them: Hana Kim, the artist he could actually learn from, Miyeon Park, the quiet one, and last but not the least…

“Hey, Areum!” Yoosung’s smile towards her was usually brighter compared to the others.

Areum Lee, the pretty one. When she smiled back at Yoosung, hiding the thin streak of blush on his cheeks would have been almost impossible. Her whole being, he thought, truly lived up to her name. He remembered she had longer hair in the first half of the year. She cut it short this time and always pulled it back with a red headband. It suited with her hair which was the color of sweet milk chocolate. How come she could still be pretty in any style? Yoosung saw others when they changed their appearance and sometimes he didn’t think it suited them.

That’s not the case with Areum.

“Heya, Yoosung! Time to draw again.” She laughed. God, how it hit Yoosung’s heart like a shooting star. “Got a scenery in mind now?”

Yoosung and Hyunsik took their respective seats beside the girls as they maneuvered their tables around to group together. The former made sure he could sit beside Areum and Hyunsik couldn’t manage to even hide the snicker that erupted from his throat. He knew about his friend’s crush but paid no mind. He knew he’d probably break down in embarrassment if Areum somehow found out.

Yoosung thought for a while, but drew a blank. “I… have no idea. I’m never really super prepared for art class.”

“I know, right? Hana probably doesn’t need to think so much about it compared to us!” She said, elbowing said best friend.

Hana stuck her tongue out at all of them. “It’s not my fault I like drawing.”

Areum winked. “We know! We’re just teasing.”

“Might as well start now. We only have about an hour left.” Hyunsik reminded them. He was already starting to outline his shapes. Yoosung thought it looked too round for a mountain but kept his mouth shut.

“Any thought now, Yoosung?” Areum asked, turning her attention towards the brunette and his blank sheet of paper.

He thought sitting beside her was already the nearest he could get, but she almost leaned towards him and he grew flustered.

“A-Ah, no—not yet!”

Areum huffed then turned back to her own desk. Then, as if the bulb in her head lit up, so did the expression on her face and she offered an idea to Yoosung. “Why don’t you draw a night sky with a lot of stars? It pretty much fits you and we can use colored pencils anyway!”

“Ooh, not bad!” It really wasn’t, but how come he didn’t even think of something that should have been obvious to himself? “How about you? What are you gonna draw, Areum?”

Her mouth formed a pout. He thought it was cute.

“I’m still at a loss but…” She tapped her pencil on her paper, then looked back again at Yoosung. “I think I’ll draw a beach. I went there last summer with my family. I thought it was pretty! What do you think?”

“That sounds good. I’m sure you can draw it well.”

“Yeah! It’d be nice to use a lot of yellows and oranges for it. I watched the sunset then.”

“I should do that next summer. It probably looks nicer at a beach, huh?”

Their discussion kept on going between the two of them until Miyeon had to speak up. “You guys do know that you could run out of time by talking about it so much, right?”

Yoosung and Areum looked at each other and then scrambled on to their work. Even if neither of them was good at art, their teacher put in a lot of grades for effort and that wasn’t to be overlooked.

“Ah, Areum, I forgot my eraser.” Yoosung said, not looking up. “Can I borrow yours?”

She nodded, busy with her own work. “Sure. It’s by the pencils.”

“Okay, let me just…” He reached over to the bunch of pencils blindly, patting his hands over the table while his focus was all on filling up the hillside drawing with a deep shade of green.

Areum was on her way to doing so as well, unsure if whether Yoosung knew where it was so she might as well get it herself for him. Her reflection of the orange sun on the sea seemed to be lacking, so she colored it more to bring out the vibrancy, digging her pencil a little harder than she did earlier.

With one similar action towards one small item, two hands met in the middle and startled the owners. Both Areum and Yoosung looked up, first to the source of the surprise, and then to each other. It was easy to see that Yoosung was the most flustered and Areum giggled more at his reaction.

She was the one who got the eraser first, so she put it in Yoosung’s palm. “Here you go!”

“T-Thanks!” To save himself from any more embarrassment, he took it gratefully and turned back to his work. All he wanted was to talk to her today, but it seemed fate was being more generous than usual.

He wasn’t complaining, though. No, not at all.

But he did grow slightly nervous.

After some time, most of them were done with their artworks. Hana and Miyeon had submitted theirs already, waiting for grading from their teacher. Hyunsik was finishing with the details. Yoosung still thought his mountain seemed too round, but who was he to judge? His hillside might as well be almost flat.

He was staring at his work now, wondering what was still lacking, when Areum popped up to speak again beside him.

“Looks good! I knew you could draw that.” Her eyes seemed to be beaming with delight, appreciating the better drawing from her classmate. “Are you gonna draw a person in it, too?”

Yoosung offered a confused face. “I don’t know. I thought we were only supposed to draw the scenery?”

She shrugged. “People can be a part of it. I think it’d look nice if you drew yourself there.”

“I think it’s lame if it’s me. I should… draw someone else to make it better.” Yoosung laughed it off lightly as he started to take a brown shade of pencil to start.

“Oh? Who’re you gonna draw?” Areum watched as Yoosung continued to sketch, then realized there was no need to ask. The red headband and brown hair was a big giveaway already, and even she felt a warmness rise up to her cheeks.

To be fair, she went back to her own drawing and smiled at the idea. It was playful and fun and harmless. She took up the same shade of pencils Yoosung had used and drew a person on her own beach. Once done, Areum stood up and admired her work. It seemed Yoosung was also done with his and ready to have it graded.

“Yoosung, look.” Areum brought up her paper, a yellow-orange dominant version of a sunset on a beachside. A small, brown-haired boy sat on the sand. “Fair enough, right?”

He was surprised. His face clearly showed it to her. “You drew me.”

“Yeah.” Her grin towards him was laced with appreciation. “Thanks for drawing me in yours, Yoosung. I really like it. Come on. Let’s get these graded. We’re the last ones to finish.”

He ended up following her to where their teacher was, but he couldn’t help but feel flustered at what just happened. It was a silly sort of exchange, but Yoosung found it to be more than enough. As far as he was concerned, his day was more than complete.

They were fortunate to be able to pass it on time and still get a good grade once the artworks were handed back. As soon as art class ended, everyone started preparing for the next one. Was it Korean history already? The day was going to end soon. Yoosung had to part ways with the girls to go back to his seat in the classroom. He sat quite some distance away from Areum so talking to her during class was never really an option available to him. His extracurricular activities also prohibited him most of the time to hang out during the afternoons.

But tomorrow was Friday and he was free then. Maybe he could ask her to hang out then. He could wait until tomorrow to ask, just so he can gather up some extra courage to do so. Besides, it wasn’t as if he wouldn’t see her at school again, right?

… Right?

-

“Didn’t you hear?” Hyunsik asked, his tone expressing surprise peppered with a tinge of concern. “Areum moved.”

Yoosung frowned. He had barely even arrived at school that next morning and that was the first thing he’d hear. “What?”

“Miyeon told me.”

“But we just had class with her yesterday.” He said, glancing over at what was once Areum’s seat. He thought she was just oddly late today or that she wasn’t feeling well. But moving away?

It made him sad.

Yoosung walked over towards where Hana and Miyeon sat, hoping to hear something about it all. Hyunsik followed him.

“Areum left?” Yoosung asked.

Hana looked up at her classmate and nodded slowly. “Her dad’s work thing made them move. We already knew about it a couple of weeks ago.”

“Where?”

Miyeon shook her head. “We’re not really sure. Areum didn’t say much about it.”

“I see. Too bad we couldn’t hang out much.”

Hana agreed. “I know. Yesterday, you two seemed to get along pretty well.”

“She’s always been nice.” Yoosung shook his head once and bid the girls goodbye. “Thanks for telling me. Hope she’s well.”

It would be a clear lie to say he wasn’t upset about Areum’s leaving, but he never got close to her much to expect her to say something about it to him. At least he had yesterday to remember by.

Yoosung sighed.

He really did like her.

He went back to his seat and started fiddling with the contents of his bag, ready to pull out a pen and pad to distract his mind. That was when he saw a small object chucked inside the corner of his pencil case.

A rubber eraser.

He chuckled.

That was Areum’s. Did he forget to return it?

Maybe he did, and he decided to keep it as a small token of knowing her.

With little contact they shared prior to this, it seemed impossible to see her again.

-

Do you remember your first love?

-

…

..

.

[ Areum has entered the chatroom. ]

-

Aaaand there we go! I really wanted to post this now since it was eating at me and I felt like I should try to move onto the next part soon or else I’ll lose my ideas. 💕

So this was like a background for everything else. I forgot how 11-year-old kids work?? But I remember we can have really big crushes on others by then lol sorry. I knew someone who ended up with his first love since elementary haha.

Anyway, I hope you guys liked it. Please tell me what you think! 💕

.

[secretradiobrooklyn]

SECRET RADIO | 9.19.20

Secret Radio | 9.19.20 | Hear it here.

1. Mêlomê Clément & Orchestre Poly Rythmo do L’Antique Cotonou Dahomey - “Houe Towe Houn”

I have seen no fewer than 4 spellings of the man’s name, but my favorite version is Meloclem, which is apparently his nickname. Clement is credited with arranging many (most?) of T.P. Orchestre’s songs. This one is credited to him as Chef d’Orchestre, Guitariste-Accompagnateur-Chanteur-Compositeur. I just find it completely engrossing as it shifts between drone and jammer. The guitar solo is so searing and lost in its own world… and when the vocals come in, more than halfway through the song, they weave around the drone like a spell. 

2. Annie Philippe - “C’est La Mode”

French pop is so stylistically severe — it is a big production in which the singer is just one small but central part of a much bigger undertaking. The video, shot in 1966, is oddly composed mostly of scenes of her shooting the video, and not the results of those shots. It’s amazingly self-aware, and it does a beautifully effective job of creating a larger-yet-more-intimate-than-life portrait of Annie Philippe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Hau_yvzriY

3. The Funkees - “Akula Owu Onyear”

This is the sound of Nigeria in the ’60s, and African expat London in the ’70s. The language they’re singing is Igbo. Apparently The Funkees began playing together in the Nigerian Army in the midst of the Nigerian Civil War, and then kept going after the war ended. Nigeria borders Benin, and I find it fascinating that they both seem to have very developed but very different rock sounds going on at that time. The keys voice makes me think of Marijata’s amazing “No Condition Is Permanent,” which came along a decade later and two countries over.

4. Yehouessi Leopold & T.P. Orchestre - “Davi Djinto Super No2”

Yehouessi Leopold is the drummer for T.P. Orchestre, which I assume means he plays the trap set. When you listen to the song from that perspective, where the drummer is the writer and his priorities are ascendent, it makes the song even richer. I really hope that his vocals parts — sung, spoken, laughed — happen from behind his kit. 

     You can hear them call out “Papi” right before the guitarist, Papillon, lights into one of his rhythmic lead passages. He builds these cascading patterns that repeat but progress at the same time. He’s certainly one of the most beautiful guitarists I’ve ever heard in my life (especially in combination with their rhythm guitarist, who I believe is Maximus Ajanohun), and this song is a great example of his playful, endlessly rhythmic style. Headphones highly recommended because the guitar spends a fair bit of time hanging out on the right side. 

     These long T.P. songs are such a pleasure to sink into — they give each section a prolonged consideration, and yet they’re constantly moving through new ideas, phrases, and relationships. At one point a series of peacock cries pass through the song. They arrive at the song hooks almost like they’re equally revealing and discovering them. When the horn hook arrives halfway through the song, it feels like the party just took a shift, moving from a great evening with friends to a legendary night at the peak of summer.

     This song is as much for Kevin Bowers as anyone.

5. Jacques Dutronc - “On nous cache tout, on nous dit rien”

“They hide everything from us, they tell us nothing” - Such great tones all over Jacques Dutronc records, from the rhythm guitar distortion to the amazing live drum sound. The song is somewhere between a complaint, an accusation, and a bitter joke. 

6. Ranil y su Conjunto Tropical - “Vuelo a Saturno”

Meanwhile, Perú has had its own party going on. Ranil stayed mostly out of the cities and mostly along the Amazon river, playing electric music and producing and selling his own records. You can hear the Cuban rhythmic influence but run through a very specific and weird personality.

7. The Velvet Underground - “Foggy Notion”

I always find it amazing that, just as the Beatles were busy building the structure of Western pop music and exploring its creative possibilities, the Velvets were exploring its destructive possibilities. They throw together airtight pop structures around Moe’s relentless drums and then start slashing em apart with their guitars and Lou’s totally-serious-and-also-totally-just-fucking-around vocal approach. 

8. National Wake, “International News”

1979, the first interracial punk band in apartheid South Africa, singing about exactly that. In the movie made about the band, the audience looks like a place where black and white people can dance together, which was likely also a first. So the band becomes a political and social movement just by existing and drawing an audience.

    I mean, just look at them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze5yn6KneJg

9. Gnonnas Pedro, “Dadje Von O Von Non”

This song was how we discovered “Legends of Benin,” the album that made us realize that a whole world — an unknown number of worlds — exist beyond what we’re already familiar with. This track has the undeniable backbeat of Western rock and funk, but placed in a completely different relationship to the vocals than I’d ever heard before. And the guitar sound is so hypnotic, repeating endlessly in the left ear. It’s the songwriting structure that I keep coming back to as a listener: linear and cyclical at the same time, where each section feels endless but is always turning into the next version in the evolution. It sounds so hip to a frequency I was not even aware of until this track.

10. Kevin Bowers’ Nova, “Breaking for Conversation”

I have danced at every Nova show except one, I believe, and that was only because I was still parking during the end of the first set so I could catch the second one after work. This album is a drummer’s fantasy, sometimes thunderous and sometimes delicate. Paige sings in Nova along with our friend Mike Aguirre — shout out to Big Mike and his half-year-and-counting quarantine adventure in Anguilla! — and the whole band is composed entirely of musicians about whom I feel awe. St. Louis Internationalé!

Shadow Music of Thailand

11. Stereo Total - “I Love You Ono”

A companion piece with “Ringo I Love You” from last broadcast. Pure confidence and fun in an absolute perfect tone for the content.  

Highly worthwhile video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqok3-Q_1lk

12. Philippe Katerine - “La banane”

I have no idea what the joke is here, but I like it. The lyrics of the chorus are “just let me eat my banana on the seashore, naked.” There is a version in English by Katerine, if you want to know what he’s talking about, though you can ready every word and still not know what he’s talking about. A live performance does not clarify anything: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLoteLHr05s

13. T.P. Orchestre Poly-Rythmo de Cotonou - “Minkou E So Non Moin”

This is included on Analog Africa’s “Echos Hypnotiques” T.P. collection, and it’s the only track I’ve heard from them with a wah pedal. Makes me wonder what the circumstances of that pedal were — was it just passing through? It couldn’t have been available to them long term, they would surely have used it more. I love the whole path that the guitar takes in the center of the song, and how that gives way to a one-note percussion solo. 

14. Mai Na Lork Gun - “Kampee Sangthong”

We found this buried in a record called “Thai Pop Spectacular.” I love how it sounds instantly familiar, and then as the lyrics come in it’s clear you’ve never heard this song before. As far as I can tell this is an original song, not a Thai lyric written over a French or American pop song. The singer sounds so sincere!

15. Ariel Pink - “Alisa”

Paige has been preaching Ariel Pink for years, but I’ve never felt the connection. To me, there’s a layer of… what is it? Irony? Self-conscious weirdness? Something that usually puts me off. For whatever reason, this track has many of the same attributes but draws me in rather than keeping me at arm’s length. My favorite element in music right now is how much information a song can transmit even when you don’t know the language, and this song does that in a different way, using words I know and audio reference points I know, but stacked up in a way that remains unknowable.

16. Assa Cica - “Se Na Blo”

17. Duyên Phận Con Gái - “Mai Lệ Huyền (A Girl’s Destiny)”

There’s such a complete understanding of not just rock but funk in these songs, and I have to wonder who was showing these musicians the ropes. Were they learning from records? From G.I.s stranded in Vietnam? The drums are so tasteful — everybody is. But how long could they have been listening to rock at that point, or have had access to listening to it? There had been Western troops in the region for years, and the primary influence was probably French pop. It still seems amazing that a Vietnamese band could have such confidence and command in a foreign idiom like this.

18. France Gall - “Jazz â Gogo”

I’m pretty sure Jeff Hess’ Afternoon Delight on KDHX put us onto this song years ago.

19. The Fall - “Petty Thief Lout”

As a fan of the Fall for over two decades now, I often find myself — or Paige and I find ourselves, because she’s the same way — on Fall-only kicks for days at a time. And even as it’s happening, I find myself asking: WHY do I love this music so much? What is it about Mark E. Smith’s squealing, spitting, hyper-British scorn that I find so endlessly appealing? Why must my pop have some fundamental discord built into its bones? I think much of it is the mystery — why on Earth does he make those decisions? As far as I know he writes the lyrics and none of the instruments, and has hired and fired more bandmates than most people play with in a lifetime… and yet the songs are instantly familiar as Fall songs through the decades. How can that be so? I think the fact that the songs continue to elicit more questions than answers is the heart of the enduring fascination. 

20. Tribute to Elsie - “Elle Est Tres Gris” 

Pollen was high that day. This was a voice memo recording from two years ago. Paige was singing “Les Feuilles Mortes” but with improvised lyrics about our dear, sweet, 20 year-old Elsie cat. Paige wants me to note that her French grammar has improved in the two years since this recording, and she would for instance obviously not use the word “vieux” and would use the word “veille.” Et al. Farewell Elsie, we love you very much.

     Paige says: The French is terrrrrible. I kept saying “que” when I meant “quand”. This is a private voice memo from two years ago, sung to the old grey lady herself. I will never win a rap battle, and it’s hard to remember now, but alcohol may have been involved. Elsie passed at twenty years old this month. She was her own character and never let her guard down. That’s how she made it to 20! We appreciate her all the way. 

21. Bob Marley - “Judge Not”

This is a short-haired, R&B-obsessed Bob Marley from his very first demos. The band is all in matching suits, playing very much in an American style. You can definitely hear even in this pretty straight ahead song the way that the band was reinterpreting the essential rhythm of skiffle and early rock into a new strum pattern. Marley’s voice is both very recognizable and not yet iconic — not unlike the early Fela Kuti & His Koola Lobitos recordings that we’ve been digging on lately.

22. Teddy Afro - “Bob Marley” live

There’s a cabbie in NYC we depend on for getting to the airport. His name’s Bobby, and as far as we can tell he’s a one-man cab company. He loves to fire up Teddy Afro videos for us to watch on our trip. Bobby is from Sudan, he says, and Teddy Afro is Ethiopian (you’ve very likely heard his huge hit, “Atse Tewodros,” at Meskerem if you’re ever there). He says he has no idea what the lyrics are, but he loves how the songs sound. Hearing a guy from Sudan enjoying this music across a language barrier was a very helpful reminder to us to listen for good music no matter what language it arrives in. I look forward to riding in Bobby’s cab again as soon as the virus is out of the way. 

23. Michel Polnareff, “Love Me Please Love Me”

24. Nam Hong, “She’s a Lady”

“My mother told me to be a lady. And for her that meant: be your own person, be independent.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

25. Tax Bacon, “The Star-Spangled Banner”

Tax Bacon is a leftist political punk band who formed out of frustration at the 2016 Democratic primaries. Some people never got over 2016, and some people never got over June 2016. 

I think this song is for Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I don’t feel patriotic right now — I feel connected to the people whose values I recognize, and Ginsburg was a founding father in that definition of American spirit. We are very sorry to see her go, and this song is meant to send her off. We’re going to have to do this next part without her.

[gamelyplanet-blog]

“World of Warcraft”, Blizzard and trading off “fun”

UPDATE (12/2/2017): It was brought to my attention that, ironically, right after I posted this, Blizzard actually restructured their leveling experience for WoW. It’s currently on the PTR, it hasn’t been implemented in the Live servers, but based on player feedback, their new patch addresses a great deal of my problems with WoW. Watch THIS VIDEO by BellularGaming for more information and keep that in mind as you read the following piece.

I need someone to explain to me what the hell Blizzard has been doing lately.

I’m a simple man; I play games to have fun, enjoy myself and experience what they have to offer. I decided, very recently, to restart my World of Warcraft (WoW) subscription. I don’t do this often with any MMORPG; I get bored easily, but in games like City of Heroes or Final Fantasy XIV, I typically have a good amount of fun for about half a month before I cancel again. With World of Warcraft, not so much .

Quick history for context; I bought WoW around 2007; it was full price then, which means I paid 60 Euros for it, including a two-month game time card at 27 Euros. I installed the game and played for literally two hours before forgetting it ever existed and returning to City of Heroes. That’s right; 87 Euros for two hours of play. 

I didn’t bother with the game much afterwards; I mostly forgot I even had it, with the exception of a couple of cases that Blizzard gifted me a week of free play to promote the game after they released Cataclysm. I eagerly used that free time, but the game failed to convince me it was worth the sub.

Two summers ago, after Legion came out, I bought another card; I was hoping for a different result and I did my best to stick with the game for as long as I could tolerate it; I got my character, a Human Paladin, to Level 53 and gave up again, before the first month even ended.

A few weeks back, I got a WoW itch I wanted to scratch; the game always enticed me with its visual style and seemingly expansive lore, as well as its theoretically traditional and simplistic gameplay. Not one to learn from past mistakes in arguably any area of my life, I bought another month less than a week before writing this. 

As I logged in to my Paladin avatar, I found myself stranded in a volcanic area, with about 10 quests on the tracker, a bunch of dwarves with exclamation marks over their heads around me and two hotbars of skills I had to re-familiarize myself with. I was overwhelmed.

It’s not uncommon to be a little lost when returning to a RPG after a long time (let alone over a year). Most of the problem, however, usually comes in the form of not remember what the story is about and WoW isn’t big on “story”. No; the problem was that I felt no connection to my character. I couldn’t remember a single damned minute I’d spent with him, outside of a few hours of frustration during some earlier forced stealth bits. In contrast, I can still recount in excruciating detail hours of experiences I had in City of Heroes over a decade ago. I can still sing the praises of all the super-heroes I had created and I still miss every single one of them.

                   Look at this quest tracker. LOOK AT IT.

So, off I went, deleted the character in frustration and made a new one; a Night Elf Hunter this time, my WoW standard archetype from way back in 2007, as well as the free post-Cataclysm time. 

I’m recounting all of this, because I decided to use my frustration with my Paladin as a cautionary tale; I wouldn’t let it happen again. I wouldn’t let myself get absorbed in so much repetition that I don’t remember anything about the game once the subscription expires. I would pace myself and drink in the wonderful world and lore and missions of World of Warcraft.

It didn’t work.

I tried, really; instead of picking up every quest in a hub, I picked them up one-by-one. I wanted to focus on each quest separately, to remember why I was doing them, what the story of each of them was, why I was in that area I was in. I wanted to remember the path from and to the quest, to feel like I was actually an adventurer, immersed in the world around me, with an important task at hand. I didn’t even buy my mount until Level 26; I was going back and forth, on foot, me and my pet saving the world.

It wasn’t too bad at first; the starting area has just the right amount of quests and none send you too far, making the game accessible and the areas memorable. The longest stretch of road is between Dolanaar and Darnassus and not many quests force you to go back and forth on foot. 

The combat was the first thing that ruined it; it was too easy. I play some “vanilla”, WoW 1.12, on the side (thank you Elysium) and I can draw the comparisons. Vanilla combat is absolutely shit; too slow, too difficult, the game is unnecessarily punishing, considering the combat system is kind of simplistic shit that requires little skill or tactics. Current, official WoW has jumped entirely on the other side of the spectrum. I started realizing why I didn’t remember anything about my Paladin; there were no encounters worth remembering. From cannon fodder in the forests to the quest-significant enemies, they all dropped in two, maybe three hits. That bloody pet didn’t help; from some point on, all I had to do was aggro an enemy and my pet did the work for me. I was tearing through entire enemy camps in under a minute. I didn’t even have the chance to see what it was I was fighting, all the enemy NPCs just started blending in together.

This populated camp would’ve been a nightmare of careful planning and pulling in any other MMO.

Again, I tried. I was playing the Survivalist specialization and I tried to make things difficult for me. I refused to use a mishmash of armor with parts that didn’t fit; I purposefully downgraded my gear to look good. I even downgraded my weapon, from a two-handed axe to a quarterstaff that capped its DPS output to the base output of my previous weapon. 

No changes. Enemies still dropped like flies.

Eventually, I just got rid of the pet and switched to Marksman. It didn’t get much better; the combat was still easy, but at least each encounter lasted 3-5 seconds, which was 3-5 seconds more than before. So... progress?

I was very annoyed the game forced me to do this. Whenever I play a RPG, I don’t just do so for the mechanics and I certainly don’t do MMORPGs for the social aspect; I play these games for the lore and the world, to go about doing quests and to role-play. I really enjoyed my hunter, the Night Elf Don’thalar, roaming the woods with his pet bear Bols’htaran. I liked the story in my head, that I had rescued the bear when he was a cub and he was corrupted (I tamed it on Darkshore) and then took him to the druids to cure him through one of the quests I did for them. Afterwards we started hunting in the woods; I, my trusty axe and lil’ Bolsh, my only friend in the whole of Azeroth.

So, I sacrificed my RPing for some gameplay value. It still wasn’t enough.

At the time of writing this, my hunter is Level 31. I’ve left him next to a giant treant near a Burning Legion killing ground. I feel disappointed and exhausted. 

Mind you, I started playing this character four days ago.

Four. Days. Ago.

I didn’t even play that much each day, the progression system is just on steroids. For all my efforts, right now I still can’t tell you what game I’ve been playing, what I have experienced and what I have accomplished. I couldn’t tell you which areas I’ve visited and why. Four days. One character. Pacing myself. Acting out all the quest descriptions. Trying to role-play. And I still can’t recall a damned thing about the game.

This is bad. This is really bad. This is a fundamental issue with the game right now and, even though I’m far from an expert on WoW, I’m not the newbie I was in 2007. I’ve since become extremely familiar with the MMORPG genre, especially when it comes to the leveling experiences (which is what interests me in these games the most). WoW is currently work for me. It’s a thing I’m having no fun with and I’m literally paying Blizzard money for something I don’t enjoy.

Make a character. Walk to a hub. Pick up a quest. Finish quest. Turn it in. Five more quests pop up. Go to a different area for one of the five, another seven pop up.

This isn’t a game, this is what being at the back-end of the world’s biggest chili aficionado feels like. This is an avalanche of menial, insignificant bullshit that weigh on the player like insane. 

Outside of capping the character for raids and dungeons, the game gives literally no encouragement to go through its dull, grueling leveling process. Once upon a time you’d do quests at least for gear, if not for the XP. They can’t even pace that properly, however; I literally had (in more than one occasions) two NPCs side-by-side give me the same exact piece of armor, with only minor stat differences. I was spending hours doing insignificant quests for gear that has practically no impact in the game.

What kind of design is this?!

Most modern MMORPGs offer a basic storyline to hook the player in. WoW is older than it wants to look and doesn’t offer that. That’s not a problem in itself; even the very first single-player RPGs didn’t feature storylines. What they did feature was exploration-oriented gameplay. You can explore in WoW; sooner or later, the onslaught of meaningless quests will run out, you’ll open your map, see what the next area close to your character level is, jump on your mount and go there to find the next collection of exclamation marks. But that’s not exploring; that’s just moving elsewhere. There is nothing interesting to see in the world, it’s all enemy mobs roaming massive, but otherwise desolate plains dressed in slightly different trousers.  

The world feels dead. This is always going to be a problem with fantasy MMORPGs; one of the reasons I always loved City of Heroes was that you could see friendly NPCs, citizens, doing their thing. They weren’t exactly complicated, but they helped make the world feel alive. Fantasy MMORPGs have to rely on other players to inject the sense of life into their worlds. WoW is clearly still very populated, but it feels like all the players exist in their own bubble. Yes, we see each other; we pass each other on the road to objectives, in the big cities and near missions. But we don’t interact. We have no reason to. Because of the current design, instead of making the world feel alive, the player population makes the world feel manufactured. These aren’t other adventurers of Azeroth; they’re players, like you, detached from the framework of the adventurer in a fantasy world.

When I took a day off to try out vanilla WoW, we were all interacting. I’m not saying it was a better game; I’m the first to recognize the value of being able to solo without the game forcing team-ups for certain quests. I hate that shit. But I got more of a sense of community in the unofficial vanilla server than I ever do in official WoW. 

WoW is still installed in my computer because I need to do some screen captures for this bit. Once that’s done, it’s out for good. I renewed my sub less than a week ago and haven’t touched it in two days. From where I stand, the World of Warcraft experience is a vacuous one for anyone not interested in endgame content.

That’s what the crux of the argument really is and where I have to wonder what exactly it is that Blizzard is trying to do with their games. The leveling process has clearly been boosted to reach cap as fast as possible, so players can access endgame content. They’re not the only ones doing this; Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR) recently streamlined the leveling experience as well for the same reason. SWTOR, however, comes with a lot less trekking and a lot more story to string you along. WoW remains a gelatinous mass of exhausting, forgettable leveling content that now you don’t even get to enjoy. 

I understand; arguably the majority of players want to cap their characters and enjoy the endgame content. Most expansions add almost exclusively endgame content, which is why they usually come with character boost tokens. Cataclysm was the only one that changed leveling dramatically. But when you want to focus exclusively on endgame, you lower that cap; DC Universe Online is very endgame-oriented and its cap is at a mere 30 and you can burn through leveling in two days, at most. WoW, on the other hand, keeps raising the cap with each new expansion. It was 60. Then it was 80. Then 90. With Legion, it’s 110. This is done to lock away people who don’t own the expansions out of the new areas, but at the same time, all it does is add to that gelatinous mass and make the leveling experience a lot more exhausting.

The core of WoW is no longer “fun”. It’s not the combat, it’s not the lore, there is no story; it’s all about more endgame content, more raids, more dungeons, more shit to do after you’ve spent two months of gaining nothing from the experience outside of finally hitting the cap. Then hitting it again. And again. The core mechanics are garbage and always have been, any sense of socialization comes into play after capping and anything story or lore-heavy is during endgame as well. Blizzard most certainly doesn’t force you to, but from some point on, that character booster token seems like the only viable option to enjoy the game; because the leveling just isn’t enjoyable. Even then, unless you grind for better gear or own the latest expansion, you’ll still find it hard to join a dungeon group or a raid if you’re not part of a Guild. 

WoW isn’t the only Blizzard game with misguided intentions; Overwatch, as popular as it is, doesn’t seem to focus on “fun” anymore either. Blizzard made a very attractive, well-marketed casual hero shooter. When all is said and done, it’s an average shooter with a lot of irrelevant hooks. Its reliance on team balance can make it infuriating more often than not. If, originally, Overwatch was designed to be an accessible shooter with interesting heroes to choose from, now there are only two things at the core of its design: loot-boxes and competitive play. 

The loot boxes are already annoying. They’re only cosmetics and one can ignore them, but they are a hook that plays to the game’s detriment in the long term. My experience was that I enjoyed the game at first and didn’t pay much attention to the loot boxes. Come the first Year of the Rooster event, I finally found a D.Va (my main) skin I liked. I never cared for the other alternatives to the base skin. So, I decided I’d grind for it. 

During the time that event ran for, I leveled my account for about 100 levels; that is a lot of playtime invested. I tolerated the broken arcade mode games (particularly Mystery Heroes), for the three extra loot boxes. No drop; I got a million other stuff, some even good, but nothing I really cared for. I eventually did the unthinkable and bought 10 extra loot boxes.

Still no drop! The only thing I managed to do with the boxes I paid for was finally scrounge up the 3000 credits needed to buy the damned thing on my own.

The legs may or may not had something to do with wanting this skin.

Needless to say, I was exhausted by the end. I’d grown to resent the game. I’d seen through the cracks in its design, how broken it is and how worse it gets with each update. The paint had started chipping away and I could compare it to other online shooters, like Red Orchestra 2, Natural Selection 2 and Insurgency; different types of shooter, but all of them infinitely more complex, tense and mechanically engaging.

It’s my fault I allowed myself to be hooked like a gambling addict, but the point is that the game stopped being about having fun. The core mechanics were shaky to begin with and at its core the game is made to provide more bad experiences than good, unless you have your own team of people you know and can communicate with on the fly. 

Then, there is the Competitive angle. Blizzard made, by design, a very casual shooter to appeal to lowest common denominator, with its simplistic mechanics and waifus. Then, they suddenly decided they wanted in on that Competitive scene, because Starcraft had proven them there’s a lot of a money there. In doing so, they started re-balancing and changing and overall slaughtering their own game design with one questionable decision after the other. Re-balancing wasn’t done on the basis of fun gameplay, but instead on the basis of pick-rate. The whole thing was (and is) a sordid affair.

It doesn’t stop there, though. Both in terms of WoW and Overwatch, one could argue that the problem is that these games aren’t for me. I’d disagree, I think the design problems of these games are fairly easy to recognize, but one could debate I’m reading them wrong. The best example of how completely off they are with their modern design is Heroes of the Storm (HOTS).

I don’t like MOBAs and I don’t really play MOBAs. I’m slightly familiar with the genre and even I can attest to the fact that HOTS is a bad MOBA compared to DOTA, League of Legends, Paragon etc. I wouldn’t ever go back to that game and I don’t think anybody, not already into it, would.

Blizzard aren’t idiots; they know HOTS isn’t very popular. So, they did this promotion event, where they forced you to play HOTS to unlock Genji’s Oni skin and D.Va’s police outfit in Overwatch.

I played HOTS, during that event, for four hours. Consecutive. I did all the matches to get everything on offer. I was exhausted. I wasn’t the only one, either. At some point, some six games in, all of us, unrelated people, strangers to one-another, started complaining in chat about how tired we were and that we really didn’t want to move our characters and play. Couldn’t we just sit there, shit-posting and let the other guys pretend they’re playing, so the round can be done as fast as possible?

We weren’t trying to be assholes and ruin the game. We were legitimately just exhausted. Our brains had started melting from the repetition. We couldn’t even pretend we were having fun. 

This entire event was Blizzard’s brilliant idea to promote HOTS to people who played Overwatch, but not HOTS. I don’t know the retention numbers after that event ended; what I do know is that the moment all the D.Va shit unlocked, that game was out of my hard drive immediately. Again, I wasn’t the only one to do this.

In the process, not only did Blizzard fail to promote HOTS; not only did they turn off newcomers to HOTS, because grind-based gaming is a necessarily evil and not a good motivator; they also alienated their established player-base, who just wanted to play the fucking game and ended up matched with us assholes who just wanted the goodies; goodies for a different fucking game, no less.

Between these three games, it’s pretty obvious to me that whatever Blizzard’s current focus is, it’s not to provide an entertaining experience for the player. Making money is good; I’m not going to be the person to say that Blizzard shouldn’t care for profit, but it infuriates me that their system works. I don’t even mean it works on others; the Blizzard spell mind-controls me just as well. I’m still itching to go back to WoW, after writing this long diatribe on why I hate it. Part of it is the repetition; I can waste entire hours, doing the exact same thing for no reward. It’s like pulling the level in a slot machine, only in this case I know for a fact there will be no reward. If not for that, I feel like going back simply to justify the money I paid for the subscription. It’s almost Machiavellian; I gain absolutely nothing from the experience, but if I don’t sink my time into this dull and dreary experience, I’ll feel like I’m not getting my investment back. 

So yes, their system currently works. They’re doing well. The problem is, I’m not sure how long this will last. A really good way to not only sell copies, but also retain a player base is to offer a game that’s actually enjoyable. Though I’m certain there are newcomers to WoW, I’m pretty confident in assuming the majority of players are veterans. They got into the game when it was still fun, when the market was much more bare and there was far less competition. They stick around still, because leveling your character to the cap is an investment you don’t want to sacrifice. Familiarity is a powerful motivator, but it only goes so far; especially when the audience is constantly growing. 

As someone who has never capped a character in a MMORPG, all I feel I’ve been offered by Blizzard is extra chores to do. Leveling in WoW feels like an obligation, like work. Grinding for loot boxes in Overwatch feels like work. That shit I put myself through in HOTS was absolutely work. Their games started out well enough, but they evolved into these unpaid internships that ultimately offer nothing outside of killing time. Worse yet, this is the scummiest kind of unpaid work, the kind you have to pay to be granted the honor to partake in. 

When you reach the point that have to schedule your game sessions as a thing you “must do” each day to make sure you get that gear, or that level, or that loot box, instead of going “I can’t wait to play this game again”, there’s something wrong. I have a soft spot for Blizzard; I think all of us do. I want to like a lot of their stuff and they have put out good games in the past; some of them being the very games I now find so infuriating. But considering I just paid 15 bucks for an experience that’s so depressing I had to switch to Cryptic’s shitty Neverwinter game to sate my MMORPG hunger (UPDATE: It didn’t work), I’m not really very willing to give them any more chances. They need to restructure their focus. Money’s good, popularity is good too; but you’re making games, something intended to make people feel good and enjoy themselves. Do try to remember this, once in a while. 

[junker-town]

The 9 dumbest mistakes from a surprisingly good QB Week 3, ranked

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

A lot of backups played this week, but it was the coaches who screwed up most, thanks to ill-advised draw plays and penalties taken (Bruce Arians) and timeouts not taken (Pete Carroll).

Week 3 in the NFL was all about the quarterback. That’s nothing new; almost every week in the NFL is about the quarterback. Yet on a day when Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson were trying to out-video game each other, it wasn’t the already established stars who stole the spotlight. Instead, this Sunday belonged to guys who began the season riding the bench (or in the Jets’ case, on the practice squad).

Six quarterbacks made their first start of the season on Sunday, some due to injury and some due to crappy play from the former QB1s. That seemed like the perfect recipe for a disastrous afternoon of silly goofs we could poke a little fun at on Monday morning.

Then — the nerve! — they went out and performed admirably. As a group, the new starters went 3-3, and the ones who lost couldn’t be blamed for their team’s defeat. Some were even the reason their team won (take a bow, Daniel Jones and, ugh, Dave Gettleman we guess).

Fear not, though. Sunday still provided us with enough dumb mistakes to laugh about the next day. In fact, here are nine of them:

9. Deshaun Watson threw the ball away ... backwards

Deshaun Watson is a great quarterback. But even great quarterbacks do some very dumb things. Even though he got the win this week, Watson’s blunder was pretty up there, when he fumbled the ball against the Chargers. It wasn’t just that he fumbled, though. It was how he fumbled.

With Joey Bosa bearing down on him on a second-and-7 from Houston’s 39-yard line, Watson looked to Duke Johnson for a screen pass behind the line of scrimmage. But Johnson had Desmond King coming at him with a full head of steam and, not wanting to put his running back or himself in unnecessary danger, he threw it away.

Problem is, he threw it away behind the line of scrimmage — and backwards.

from earlier today proof that even great quarterbacks can forget the rules of football pic.twitter.com/YUnkNJTew5

— James Brady (@JamesBradySBN) September 23, 2019

Yup, that’s always a fumble. This one was recovered and advanced by the Chargers, who took a 7-0 lead on the ensuing possession.

On one hand, Watson choosing to not take a sack AND to not put Johnson in line for a massive hit from King were good decisions. Too many quarterbacks dump the ball without looking at the position their potential receiver will be in once they’ve caught it. On the other hand, MAYBE throw it somewhere else next time.

8. Luke Falk threw a pass with a 0 percent success rate

The Jets still had a puncher’s chance in the third quarter of their game against the Patriots. Sure, they trailed 20-0, but Falk, making his first NFL start, still had the chance to instill hope in an otherwise miserable season in New York.

This did not happen. Instead, Falk treated the world to this image of Devin McCourty making an interception without a single Jet close enough to him to get picked up by CBS’ cameras:

Per NextGenStats, the nearest receiver was Robby Anderson ... who was 12 yards away. New England drove -2 yards on the ensuing drive and settled for a field goal to make it 23-0 in Foxborough.

7. The Patriots gave up their first touchdown in nearly 9 months in a very stupid way

New England played Super Bowl 53 and its first two games of 2019 without giving up a touchdown. That streak was still going strong late in the third quarter of Week 3 against the Jets ... until one muffed punt from an undrafted free agent gave Bill Belichick something to grumble about.

Shoutout @arthurmaulet_ for the hustle.#NYJvsNE | #TakeFlight pic.twitter.com/HAyT5FPqFP

— New York Jets (@nyjets) September 22, 2019

Gunner Olszewski’s botched return kept a 14-quarter TD-less streak from stretching to 15. Fortunately for the Patriots, they were still playing the Jets. New York added a fourth quarter touchdown when backup Jarrett Stidham threw a pick-six to Jamal Adams, but the New England defense failed to let an opposing offense into the end zone for the fourth straight game in a 30-14 victory. They’re the first team in the Super Bowl era to ever get through the first three weeks of the season without giving up a touchdown on defense.

6. The Broncos gave one of the league’s most dangerous passers a free play

There are two things Aaron Rodgers absolutely excels at: throwing deep bombs and taking advantage of a defense’s stupid mistakes. Green Bay’s first touchdown Sunday against the Broncos was a serendipitous combination of the two.

never, ever give Aaron Rodgers a free play pic.twitter.com/1DppKeAd8g

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) September 22, 2019

A hard count lured the Broncos offside, but Denver’s biggest issue on second-and-6 may have been leaving Marquez Valdes-Scantling in single coverage. The young wideout easily got inside leverage and sprinted downfield on a play where Rodgers’ short and intermediate routes were never an option. One easy pitch-and-catch later, the Packers led 6-0.

And once again, a defense had to learn the hard way to never give Rodgers a free play.

5. The Browns went for it on fourth-and-9 ... and called a draw play

The Browns were always going to be a work-in-progress with a first-time head coach and skyrocket expectations, but Freddie Kitchens is catching some heat for a decision he made on Sunday Night Football.

Trailing by four points with nine minutes to go, the Browns were facing a fourth-and-9 at the Rams’ 40-yard line. They left the offense on the field, and the Rams gave them a lot of space. Everyone got a little excited about what Kitchens could call in that situation. What creative thing would he do?!

this was Freddie Kitchens' 4th-and-9 play. it was not very good pic.twitter.com/jzm3vbfeGr

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) September 23, 2019

Oh. He ran a sad draw play that went nowhere. Nick Chubb even looked like he wasn’t sure which way he was supposed to go. Despite having playmakers like Odell Beckham Jr. and Jarvis Landry, they went with that draw.

I get it — draws are relatively safe plays that teams run in long situations for their potential to catch a defense napping and convert the downs. But in the fourth quarter, against that Rams defense, you run a draw on FOURTH-AND-NINE, something no team has done in at least 12 years?!

At least Kitchens admitted (many times) after the 20-13 loss that it was a “bad call.”

Sometimes, you just gotta know when not to run it — and when to run it:

First and goal from the 4 with three timeouts. No touches to Chubb. No touches to OBJ. Football isn’t this hard.

— Dawgs By Nature (@DawgsByNature) September 23, 2019

4. The Eagles managed to blow it even more than the Lions

The Eagles were down three late, at home to the Lions. They had the ball at their own 22-yard line, facing fourth-and-8, and decide to go for it. Doug Pederson is notoriously ballsy with fourth downs, but they still had all three of their timeouts and the two-minute warning. And the play was a Carson Wentz scrambled that came up a couple yards short.

That should’ve sealed the game for the Lions, but remember, their offensive coordinator is Darrell Bevell. They ran three plays, gained zero yards, and took 39 seconds off the clock. At the very least, they could get a field goal, right?

Nope, the Eagles blocked that and returned it to the Detroit 40-yard line, though a block in the back moved that back 10 yards. Facing another fourth down, the Eagles threw it and Wentz completed it for a first down, only to see that get wiped out with a pass interference penalty.

One play later, Wentz’s final pass fell incomplete and the Eagles — a Super Bowl contender coming into the season — had to leave their home turf with a loss to the same team that blew an 18-point lead against the Cardinals two weeks prior.

3. The referees didn’t flag a near-decapitation

The good news is Miles Sanders is OK after getting his helmet spun around 180 degrees and popped off his head:

NO FLAG?!! Okay NFL refs... pic.twitter.com/21OB2tkr0T

— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) September 22, 2019

The bad news is this somehow didn’t lead to a penalty. In a year where seemingly every play goes off under a microscope and ticky-tack fouls are called more often than any other time in the past decade, this actually dangerous play went off unchallenged by the officials.

2. The Seahawks wasted a huge play by DK Metcalf by sitting on timeouts

When Seattle started a drive on its own 21-yard line with 29 seconds to go there were two ways to handle the situation:

Run out the remainder of the clock and go to halftime down, 20-7.

Try to drive into field goal range with the help of two timeouts.

The Seahawks went for neither strategy. The team threw a short pass into the middle of the field, but decided not to call timeout. That left only 10 seconds when the next play started and time in the half ran out when Russell Wilson found DK Metcalf for 54 yards.

this ludicrous play was ultimately meaningless because Pete Carroll left 2 timeouts in his pocket to end the first half pic.twitter.com/huR3QB8Q8n

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) September 22, 2019

If the Seahawks planned on throwing and trying to score, they absolutely should’ve used a timeout after first down. Instead, Seattle cost itself a 33-yard field goal attempt.

1. The Bucs took a delay of game penalty and missed a game-winning FG

Tampa had the ball left with 13 seconds to go against the New York Giants. The Bucs were in field goal range after Jameis Winston connected with Mike Evans for a terrific 44-yard pass play.

Then head coach Bruce Arians inexplicably took a delay of game penalty to move the ball back five yards. Arians tried justifying it by saying he thought Matt Gay kicks better from longer distances?!

Video: Here’s Bruce Arians explaining that he took a delay of game penalty “on purpose” before final field goal to back up rookie Matt Gay, who had already missed one extra point and had another blocked in the same game. pic.twitter.com/h4WIwaVdq7

— Greg Auman (@gregauman) September 23, 2019

Yikes. Gay had already missed two extra point tries in a game the Bucs were trailing by one point. To the surprise of no one, his 34-yard potentially game-winning field goal sailed wide right as time expired.

Arians might be new to Tampa, but he should’ve known better. After all, the Bucs’ kicking game has been cursed for years.

[nongravity]

TCAF 2017 Post Mortem

This is my 9th post mortem convention write up! You can find the rest on the Events page on my website or the post mortem tag here on my tumblr.

My total outgoing costs for the convention in order of leaving my house to the start of the show: €1073

Round trip plane ticket to North America €530

Hotel for 3 nights in Toronto €330

TCAF half-table €173

Food €40

What I brought with me:

5 Copies of Strong for C$8

4 Copies of Hats for C$10

5 Copies of Odd Reels for C$4

10 Copies of We Can’t Afford This for C$6

What I sold:

1 copy of We Can’t Afford This

For a total incoming of: €4

On the surface that’s a loss of €1069 but it’s not the whole story, we piggy backed TCAF onto a trip Damhnait and I were already planning, I could never afford to travel to a North American comics event if it didn’t coincide with a family trip.

So minus the plane ticket, that’s now a loss of €539.

The Stray Lines gang pitched in a very generous €287, which brings the total loss down to €252. Not even my biggest loss for an event ever, but I felt bad cause now it wasn’t just me losing money, it was the group.

And I’ll come back to this later, but we had another savior comic book shop buy  some of our books after the show, I made an extra €25, the gang as a whole got an extra €166.

In the end then, my losses for TCAF were about €227.

Rescue

The TCAF trip almost didn’t happen. A few weeks before we were set to fly we received a message from the AirBnB we’d booked in Toronto saying that our reservation was cancelled due to the hosts recently adopting a rescue kitten who would have been traumatized by the disruption caused by guests. The sharing economy makes fools of us all!

We didn’t have much luck finding a replacement AirBnB and were about to cancel the TCAF portion of our trip when we found a vacancy at the Howard Johnsons right near the venue for the same price! Really lucky.

Customs

I’ve read enough horror stories of artists trying to bring comics to Canada for comic shows. I read and re-read TCAF’s advice for traveling exhibitors and decided of all the options (shipping books from Ireland to Canada, declaring this that and the other, invoicing comic shops, etc) I would choose the option that I’m best suited for: playing dumb and apologizing profusely. 

The customs line at the Toronto airport was ridiculously long and slow, painful with two tired kiddos (and two tired adults), but thankfully I didn’t need to worry about anything because traveling as a family means no-one cares, stamp-stamp, move along. PHEW.

Our Table and Us

A half table is really too small for our collective. I doubt I’ll go to any more shows where we’re only offered a half-table. 30 different books is too many to display in a  3′x3′ space.

The Stray Lines gang talked about how for future half-table shows we should limit ourselves to half as many books.

I was jet lagged and wonky trying to set up my table on the Friday night. I set up a total failure of a table design before I had to give up and go to bed, but thankfully after a little sleep I figured out a better arrangement Saturday morning, stitched together from a cardboard nappy box that I had used to keep the books flat in my suitcase.

What I brought for the group:

30 different books by over 7 different Irish artists! 140-ish books total.

What the group sold:

15 books! 

Winner

Debbie’s historical anthology War Chest was the winner of the weekend, selling 5 copies. It was a total last minute lark, it was just back from the printer and Debbie had to post them to me in Naas from Dublin when we couldn’t coordinate a meet up before my flight. I tried to give it as primo placement as I could manage without a stand, piled on top of cardboard from a box of nappies, held together with tape and scrap paper. 

Even though it sold the most, the “DEBUT” sign didn’t work as well at TCAF as it did in LICAF and ELCAF. Labeling books debut at those shows tended to bring people to the table and move books on its own. At TCAF I had to steer people towards our debut and pitch it to them. 

Helpers

Being at the show as part of a family trip meant trading alternating kids with Damhnait a few times to give her even the slightest rest and leaning on my table-mate to watch my table so I could run out to lunch with Damh and the kids. 

Baby Tamaillín’s charms did nothing to help our sales but Pollito did help me make a paper chain to decorate the table. 

Toronto Comic Arts Festival

The Toronto Reference Library is MAD, it’s massive and beautiful and it was a very cool and very different venue for a comic festival. 

The crowds were tricky to navigate at times, since exhibitors are spread out all over the library, you sometimes end up in traffic jams as certain areas are more for library books than comic exhibitors. 

Stray Lines was off in a conference room, which was good and bad, good because we weren’t crammed in with the library books, bad because the conference room had strict fire-safety occupancy rules, so it was almost like another entrance to another venue with people waiting in line to get in.

We had just watched the episode of Mister Rogers Neighborhood where Mister Rogers goes to a mall to see glass elevators, so Pollito was really excited to ride the glass elevators up and down.

The kids section downstairs was a great place to bring Pollito for a little while to draw and have some quiet. 

Page & Panel, the TCAF shop is one of the coolest comic book shops I’ve seen. I was sad that I didn’t have time to visit The Beguiling but Page & Panel was an incredible small-press-focused comic shop. I really wish we had anything like it in Dublin. 

Finnish Anime Witches

Our table-neighbor at TCAF was internet famous! More power to her, and it was through no fault of her own, but she swallowed the Stray Lines table whole!

Our Stray Lines table was more a queueing up space for her table. I don’t know what you do about that. We weren’t really in the same genre either, so people queueing up for a Finnish anime witch t-shirt weren’t really into our Irish collective offerings. 

Luck of the draw I guess, but painful to stand there for two days watching people bypass your table to avoid the Finnish anime witch crowds.

Small World

A few people knew us! Not our group Stray Lines, but individually! Explaining who we are to people, someone told me “I know Sarah Bowie.”

A kind person told me they’d seen We Can’t Afford This on The Nib and how it related to the part of Canada they’re from. Then another person said they’d already bought She Always Looked Good in Hats at Gosh! Comics in London! It was extremely encouraging.

Gavin Fullerton and Luke Healy both stopped by the Stray Lines table to say hi, funny to be so well connected to Ireland in Toronto.  

Big Planet

After the show I was greatly discouraged, leaving Toronto with a suitcase as heavy as when I arrived. This was the first leg of our family holiday and I had three cities to drag the suitcase full of unsold comics through, and then potentially drag it back to Ireland!

During TCAF, I had spotted David & Dave from my old local comic shop, Secret Headquarters but wasn’t able to flag them down.

I started writing American comic shops that I knew did firm sale (as opposed to consignment), but I don’t know that many! 

Thankfully, Jared at Big Planet Comics (MD/DC/VA) got back to me and bought 75 books from our remaining stock! Coincidentally he was at TCAF too but never saw our table!

Absolutely saved the day. We made a little money, our books would be in a high profile American shop, and I wouldn’t have to carry them back to Ireland. 

Highlights

I got to meet Colleen Coover! You know that story of Orson Welles watching John Ford’s Stagecoach 100 times in preparation for directing Citizen Kane? That was me and Colleen Coover’s Gingerbread Girl while I was making She Always Looked Good in Hats. 

So I really wanted to say hi to her and say thank you and give her a copy of Hats. I got down to her during a quiet moment in the morning and she was super friendly and very cool and I got to buy a copy of Small Favors from her! After reading Gingerbread Girl I was trying to find more Colleen Coover books and had no luck hunting down copies of Small Favors on eBay.

Small Favors is a porno though, so I wasn’t really able to read it openly during our little family holiday! I’ve read it since though and it is the most fun!

Hannah Blumenreich of Spidey-zine fame had a table across the isle from us. I bought the Spidey Zine online but wanted to get a physical copy, but good for her she sold out before I could get one! Happy to find she had other original work I hadn’t seen before on offer. 

Kory Bing was also across the way and Damhnait got a gorgeous Cretaceous poster for the girls’ room!

Caitlin Cass was my table mate, she had a bunch of cool local history comics about Buffalo, New York, great style and lovely book designs. She had a newspaper comic! And a comic about hats!

Sean Azzopardi and Aaron Navrady were on the next table over. Turns out Sean, Aaron, Caitlin and myself are all organizing local comic events of our own. Fun to chat event organizing shop with people.

Celebrity-spotting-wise, I saw Ryan North. He was busy chatting with someone so I wasn’t able to say hi and dorkily bring up that I used to hang out on the message board he started a decade ago.

Conclusion

Like a lot of the bigger shows I’ve been to, they’re way more fun as an audience member than as a small-time exhibitor. I imagine it’ll be a long while before the Stray Lines group finds its way back to Toronto. 

Having never been to a North American show, and knowing how much bigger the North American small press market is compared to Ireland and the UK, it was disappointing that the change in scale and size and cost made no difference for our sales (and maybe even put us at a disadvantage). 

We have no more North American shows on the horizon. I still apply to the Small Press Expo lottery every year. I imagine if we ever won a table there we’d give that a try. Really the only way to get there is to coincide it with a family America trip, which is a lot of work for Damhnait for very little payoff. 

Epilogue

Toronto is lovely! I wish I could have spent more time there. I found three (3!!!) ice cream shops on Yorkville Ave, the street between our hotel and the TCAF library. What more could I ask. And there was a perfect diner, Flo’s, which was the warmest “welcome back to the North American continent” we could have asked for.

Pollito loved the dinosaurs at the museum. We didn’t travel far but all the neighborhoods we explored were adorable.

Afterwards we traveled by train to Niagara Falls which I hadn’t been to since I was a kid. The family holiday aspect of the trip totally outshined the comic-business aspect of the trip.

We may never be back again, and it was a total financial failure, but as the first leg of a month-long North American family holiday it was fun.