#and he's like. literally his boyfriend. he's like yeah idk how to feel abt being the queer subtext in ur real-time autobiography jason

[heartburstings]

hey, wait. i have a distressing thought here.

you know how, in you and i, jason has to comfort peter that It's All Just A Game? and directly after that, peter like, just directly says, "i know he wants to be the american dream. i know he wants a trophy bride, kids, a dog, a picket fence. i don't know how i'm supposed to fit into that."

and it's like... i doubt this insecurity came from nowhere. like, yeah, of course peter knows jason this well, of course he does--but also. do you think ivy was even the first girl jason went out with? you know???

[faaun]

im actually becoming a littol bit annoyed by smn 😭

[joejhang]

my aftg hot takes

most of these are pretty lukewarm but i'm gonna get flamed for them anyway but whatever. spoilers ??? ahead ??? idk read at ur own risk

i don't think andreil ever say i love you to each other; i feel like the discourse about this is virtually endless ever since nora said it but honestly her explanation was so valid??? they're such a show not tell couple it just makes so much sense for them to show the "i love you" in their actions than ever saying the words out loud. esp bc neither of them have ever really heard those words and have them mean anything real or true or actually loving. personally i think their little percentages and the "i hate you"'s and kisses and keys mean more to them than an "i love you" ever could. i'm not a purist on this tho i do think i could visualise it happening maybe somewhere along the road i just think nora's explanation for this is very very in line with canon andreil.

i don't hate thea muldani; i've made a post abt this but basically my thoughts around her are literally just: she's a human being, and she's never gonna be perfect. i also find it very...interesting how the fandom likes to flame thea (an explicitly stated woman of colour) for being "problematic" and a "terrible person/character" when she doesn't act all that different from andrew, neil and kevin (white men) ??? idk it seems a little strange to me bc she seems pretty on par with them on whatever moral compass this batshit crazy fandom has decided to impose on these fictional and very much morally ambiguous characters. anyway go check out my post i go a lot deeper into thea's character and why she does a lot of things wrong but i don't rlly think she's deserving of the insane amounts of hate she gets in the fandom.

i don't think andreil ever get married; this MIGHT be me projecting bc the idea of marriage is just a very complicated and rough concept in my mind but also just i feel like there's something so beautiful about andreil never really putting a label on their relationship??? like they never define it by calling the other their "boyfriend" or "husband" they just are. they have nothing "concrete" binding them like a marriage certificate but they choose to stay with each other through everything. idk it's real to me but again i'm not a purist people can do whatever they want.

i've said it before but i'll keep saying it till enough people hear me: the aftg fandom mischaracterises literally the main fucking characters; i'm mostly talking about andrew and ESPECIALLY neil here bc neil is not a sweet, sunshiney, oblivious, blushy softboy and andrew is not a cold, unemotional, stoic, "conceal don't feel" stone. since i've already bitched on and on about neil's mischaracterisation let's just talk about andrew for a sec. i think andrew is actually a deeply emotional person and is fully aware of the feelings he experiences. does he vocalise or express them often? no but more often than not they show themselves anyway. him crashing out after neil was kidnapped, letting himself get walked like a dog by neil for three books straight, choking allison for slapping aaron, idk i could go on. but yeah you get it.

i don't actually think neil is that oblivious; before people come at me like "but nora said!" or whatever yeah, i know she said he's as dense as a brick when it comes to people flirting with him. considering how much of the ec the aftg fandom likes to disregard allow me to disregard this little bit of it, yeah? this isn't me tryna impose my own projections onto nora's characters, this is lit just me tryna explain how i understand neil josten (he's my bsf btw). he literally clocks his feelings for andrew in trk (after his deep convo™ with nicky) but he just files it away for later bc he doesn't consider attraction or romantic interest anything to be thinking about considering he's got the mafia and his serial killer dad on his tail. i also don't really blame him for not catching onto andrew's feelings earlier (tho doesn't he get pretty fucking close during that one convo they have in exites in trk???? someone correct me if i'm wrong but) bc dude andrew was out here sending fucking mixed ass signals like bro was saying "you are a pipe dream" and "i hate you" in the same fucking conversations like??? neil has always taken andrew at face value and he's not about to question him now. he's also never confused or uncertain about nicky or marissa and what their comments about him meant, he just genuinely does not gaf about them so he doesn't acknowledge them or pay them any attention in his narration. i truly truly think his dismissal of all the advances made upon him in aftg were borne out of indifference, not obliviousness.

have already said this in detail but i don't think andrew's actually a misogynist; the wording doesn't feel right. i'd probably describe andrew's distrust of women (esp. those in motherly/mother roles) as a similar ingrained wariness that neil has for older men. this is something borne out of trauma and shitty experiences that takes time and trust to unlearn. nora says a lot of things the fandom disregards and for me, this is one of those things i'm a little iffy about. misogyny actually isn't reflected in andrew's actions at all, i'd say. does he respect women? no. but he doesn't respect anyone unless they've actually earned it. and among the people he does respect and care for there are women (renee, bee). he doesn't treat women any differently and obv doesn't think they're any weaker than men are (considering renee wipes the floor w him their first sparring sesh). andrew's an equal opportunity hater and i don't think he actually has any sexist or even misogynistic tendencies. i think what is there is just a slightly biased worldview of disliking/mistrusting mother figures, given his bad experiences w tilda and cass (they've left him w more long-term emotional damage that's probably rlly difficult and complicated for him to work through esp considering cass did love??? him and he did want her enough to be willing to suffer dr*ke to be close to her; there's more to it but for the sake of word count i won't go into it) but honestly it doesn't actually show that much??? if people wanna say he hates women, sure, but for one, he doesn't hate a lot of things he's just very indifferent to them and two, he holds a pretty similar apathetic distaste for most people and things, so it's not like a very big distinction. i also think the whole "no girls" thing w aaron was very much a personal thing, and his mistrust of katelyn probably came from aaron's past (apparently negative) experiences w other girlfriends and friendships in general. and if i remember correctly the deal wasn't even "no girls" it was just "family only" which is why aaron didn't make friends w the rest of the foxes either. i digress but i don't think saying "andrew isn't a misogynist" is robbing him of any nuance as a character.

i like nicky and honestly feel similarly towards him as i do about thea; he isn't perfect and never will be and i think while the way he acts towards neil and others (see: matt, kevin) is pretty untoward and inappropriate, i also do see where he's coming from, esp after aaron's explanation of it. that it's a defence mechanism coming from someone who's experienced a lot of prejudice and harm because of his sexuality. obv i think everyone can agree his assault on neil was fucked up but i think nora was right in saying that nicky was high and drunk and not rlly in his right mind at the time, and he does apologise and i'm pretty sure she also said he and neil work it out privately anyway. he's a messy character and definitely not perfect queer rep but again, he's pretty realistic, and i think he's honestly a rlly well-written and complex character.

[wof-reworked]

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

[liass-21]

this trailer literally could not have come at a better time bc my benthan obsession has recently crept up again and now it’s like 100x worse

that said, imagine an au where after fallout benji and ethan stop talking. benji is always targeted more bc of his relationship to ethan & ethan realizes that that will never stop no matter what he does & benji’s life will always be in greater danger because of him. he thinks abt rogue nation & london & lane & then lane again & maybe even one more instance where something happens to benji so someone can get to ethan that’s not actually in the movies. & he realizes that the only way to keep benji safe is to distance himself from him. however, at the same time, benji is thinking through these same instances, how he’s always the one captured or used against ethan & thinks it’s because he’s the weak link. he’s not as good of an agent as everyone else & it’s obvious to everyone especially the bad guys.

i cant decide if this is an au where benthan are already dating for a few years (& have already been talking about marriage) & ethan breaks up with benji a few weeks after fallout & gives no explanation & then just stops talking to benji entirely & leaves benji there in the dust wondering what he did wrong. or if it’s where they’re just friends & after fallout ethan just slowly distances himself from benji – he is still polite in the office and acknowledges him & makes small talk, but he stops putting benji on his team during missions, stops talking to and hanging out with him outside of work, stops really being his friend.

but either way, benji eventually puts things together and realizes that ethan had realized the same thing he did after everything that went down – benji isn’t good enough. and ethan’s done dealing with it anymore. benji’s too much of a risk factor, he’s not good enough to be on ethan’s team, not good enough to be his friend/boyfriend, & ethan’s too polite to tell him that but it’s clear he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

idk and then somehow sometime later benji confronts him about it, maybe he gets drunk and calls him & ethan goes down to the bar & takes him home & takes care of him (“what’re you doing here?” “you called” “so?”) & then they talk the next morning & ethan comes clean bc he feels terrible & it’s clear that all of this is hurting benji so much more than ethan could ever have imagined. & idk if they would get together then, i think it would take a while for ethan to come to terms with the fact that benji’s life will always be in danger bc of him & is it really better to hurt him this way than the alternative? (& in the case of them dating & ethan flat out dumping him with no warning or explanation, i think it would take a long time for benji to forgive him & get back together). & it’ll take a long time for both of them to heal from everything but at least they’re talking now

and yeah idk i don’t really have an ending & sorry this is slightly incomprehensible, my brain is not working, BUT i had to share bc this is eating me alive

new m:i trailer, benthan obsession reinvigorated, kai in my asks ranting about old men spy yaoi… world is healing 💜

that being said… ur MIND. it would be so angsty but also like so believable idk i can easily see both of them being like ah the only solution is to cut off the ones i love. i need to gnaw on them like a dog chew toy.

i love the idea of it being an ambiguous ending and like? they’re not really happy but at least they don’t hate each other/ignore each other/etc? and it’s slightly hopeful with a bittersweet tang because they both know that ethan will be in danger for the rest of his life because of the job and so benji will be too, but they decide that maybe (just maybe) it’s worth it.

ugh. chewing on them. tom cruise fandom we are so back

[imoncloud7]

part 4;

prev. | m.list | next

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written portion at the end!!

"god fuckin' damnit." yn sighed as she put her phone down. she was currently in her last lecture of the day, contemplating how she got into this mess. and how all of her friends suddenly knew oikawa tooru. and how he found her twitter and followed it.

yn had met matsukawa issei in their last term during their first year of school, and while they were not too close, they did have one thing in common. they loved to go out. their drunk escapades slowly began to include mattsun's not-boyfriend-but-boyfriend makki, and they all slowly began to get a bit closer.

being that all of their friends were intertwined, it would be a matter of time before they all figured out what was going on between oikawa and yn. their hookups have surprisingly pre-dated all of yn's friendships in college, which have been difficult to come by. being from another country and also an introvert were really big roadblocks.

oikawa never seemed to care about that though. the first night they met, during their first term in their first year, he had approached her at some sort of welcome party an older student was throwing. yn had quickly figured out that he was a chronic flirter, but had enough alcohol in her system to go home with him. which ended up happening every weekend of the first year, and now second year as well. it was nice for yn to have physical contact, as that was hard to come by now having broken up with her ex and being that she had close to no friends in japan. it was a distraction, something that satisfied her needs with no feelings.

these days however, now that he knows more than just her first name and how to please her, it's too complicated. and wildly uncomfortable.

flashback: 1st term, 1st year

"smoking's not a good look on such a pretty face like yours" yn heard behind her on the balcony. the inside was stuffy and the music felt like it was eating her eardrums alive, so she had made her way outside for some peace and quiet. only for it to be disturbed.

"oh yeah? and who are you to have an opinion on that?" the girl looked over her shoulder to see who was behind her. she was met with a pair of chocolate brown eyes and windswept hair to match.

oikawa thinks his heart may have stopped when she turned to look at him. he had seen her inside and thought she was pretty, sure, but out here was a different story. the moonlight caused her e/c eyes to glow, and her hair seemed so much softer out here. his eyes widened a bit and he choked on his words a bit before responding.

"im oikawa. oikawa tooru. and sorry, truthfully i couldn't think of another way to approach you." he walked up towards the edge of the balcony, taking his place to her right. she took a long drag before offering it towards him wordlessly.

"no thanks, i'm an athlete i can't really do that stuff."

"but you're at a party, clearly intoxicated. i wonder what your coach would think of that." she shot back.

"touche. you never told me your name." he chuckled in his response.

"yn."

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notes:

the "smokings not a good look on you" line was actually used on me

i was at a club in singapore and an old man (maybe like 50-60 yrs old) literally started talking to me while i had a cig in my hand like go away u creep im 20

he texted me on whatsapp later abt that like mind ur business

idk why i gave him my number tbh i just wanted to see if hed buy me drinks

anyways i love matsukawa issei (whats new)

little flashback moment to when their whole affair started!!

either the next chapter or the next two chapters shi may go down

[brutalitybunny]

opinions on klavdar

im very normal about them 🙏 i remember once ages ago i was like, "well i don't ship it buttt i know it happened." idk what i meant by that exactly. i def ship it. 😭

i just think its so cute... i found out a lot of ppl like to do "toxic yaoi exes divorce energy" klavdar, which is Fine, but to me, klavdar is deeply rooted in that "dating your best friend at a vulnerable time in your life" energy, that's the opposite of toxic ... like, it still didn't work out. i don't think they'd Be Good for each other, romantically, but theyre still partners, bandmates, coworkers, best friends, rather than "well now he's my ex forever"

like ... to me, it's 17-18 yr old klavdar, and the band just launched into big success and theyre getting a Lot of attention. and mostly it's just about the band, but then the comments get a little crazy, and the fanbase starts getting a little crazy, and they notice how *good* klavier and daryan are as friends, their chemistry in interviews and stuff... like.. they are very close! ppl start shipping it lol

that coupled with the general confusion of that time in anyone's life, being a young adult and figuring out Who You Are, what youre attracted to... is it this? do you love him? you like him a lot, he's your best friend, and everyone keeps saying there's more to you two.. is there? and you look over and he's giving you that same, unsure and confused but interested look, curious ... and you share a kiss in your bedroom, the same place you decided to start this band at all ... you try it out. :)

try other stuff out too if yk what i mean 👀a lot of Self Discovery a lot of Exploring LOL (this is why i place it at 18 lol) but like ugh. that new-relationship high. oh the things that tour bus has seen! oh the sneaked kisses backstage and the flirting choreography on stage..!! it's exhilarating! daryan young and belligerent and acting possessive over klavier .. klavier exploring this like, bossy side of himself, doing risky shit he wouldn't usually do just for the sake of thrilling his boyfriend a little more... stupid shit that young lovers do!!!

but ... i think being partners in law + bandmates + dating is too much. i think that's too much klavier and its too much daryan and it doesn't work out.. maybe the breakup is a little messy or maybe it's completely mutually "yeah this wasn't it." they're young adults, so it's fine if it's messy, but they're best friends who do understand each other, so it's possible one day they're just like ...this is too much and i'm not feeling it.. and it's over.

but i just think it's insanely healthy no matter what, after everything. like. they're still such good friends. when daryan moves precincts and they're not detective-prosecutor partners anymore, maybe for a second he thinks, does that mean we can...? but the band is Too Big now, and it's just a different time in their lives. that was childish stuff.

the toxic bitchy exes energy, i think, is literally just them being very good friends. 😭like i'm very good friends with my ex and we make jokes all the time abt "my BITCH EX WIFE LEFT ME !!!!" and i think klavdar would do that. klavier would wax on about this mysterious old partner who broke his heart and left him shattered and daryans like omfg ignore him he's pissy because i took the last lacroix

ofc i do understand the appeal for a super toxic highstrung dramatic will they/won't they relationship between them, and stuff, but at the core of my own being, all of my ships are best friends to lovers fluff and i struggle doing anything else LMFAO LIKE THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS SO IMPORTANT TO MEEE KLAVIER STILL LOVES AND CARES ABT DARYAN SO DEEPLY DURING ALL OF 4-3..!!

but ugh it's just so fun. and i love getting to play with a lovebug daryan, too, who pretends like all the mushy love stuff from their band is 100% gavin, but it's nottttt, he's in it toooooo, you ask him abt his relationship w klavier and he's like ... i think klav's just the kind of guy who everyone falls in love with, a little bit. he's got that dazzle to him. he's irresistible.. Like omg... a daryan and apollo who met under better circumstances, and they talk abt klavier..come on...it could be so fun....

... :3

[xiao-kisserr]

convenience store shopping late at night -

feat: scaramouche

a/n: it's literally 2am rn and i got inspired to write this because i myself can't sleep but idk what I'm gonna give you guys since it's late so this might not make sense 😘 also kinda short but also lengthy drabbles because my thoughts abt this are in shambles, i also feel like the drabble kinda ends really suddenly 😓 but the inspo just dried out at the end, this was also supposed to have separate characters not just scara but I got impatient so 👍

note: as always possibly this might be ooc🤥, not proofread there will be mistakes in here, gn! reader, lower case intended as well, also soft scara because i need it 🙏

━─━────────━─━

you lay on your bed, tossing and turning as the time passed. no matter what position you were in, if the blanket was on or off, you couldn't fall asleep despite all of your attempts. you even tried to go on your phone in hopes of it tiring you out but of course, it didn't work and your tossing and turning seemed to wake up the person you were sharing your bed with.

"stop moving so much" scaramouche's tired voice called out groggily, sleep lacing his words. you turned to look at him and frowned, "i can't sleep" you replied. scaramouche sighed, grabbing your wrist he pulled you closer to him and rest his head on your shoulder. "just close your eyes" he whispered as he slowly went back to sleep.

you tried to rest as well but it felt worse with your boyfriend's hand draped over you, almost trapping you. "kuni.." you whispered, poking his cheek. there was no response and you thought that perhaps he had fallen into a deep sleep so he couldn't hear you but he responded with a tired sound before releasing you. he sat up with another sigh and got out of bed to grab his shoes. you continued to lay in bed confused with his actions.

"well? are you coming or do i have to ask you nicely?" scaramouche's words were all bite and no bark and despite there being a slight edge in his words his face held a soft look albeit a bit tired. you scrambled out of bed and grabbed your coat and shoes. "but it's night and we're going out in pajamas?" you asked, tieing your shoe laces together. "[name], it's 2 in the morning who's going to ask why we're in our pajamas at this time of the night" scaramouche asked as you both left the apartment. "fair enough.." you mumbled back as the two of you walked out of the apartment block and down the street to a convenience store. you passed very few people, some were drunk adults who were stumbling home after a night out and others were students enjoying a night walk to take a break from studying.

you entered the store and scaramouche turned to you"take anything you want" he said, grabbing his drink and food of choice. you circled the small store and grabbed your snacks, immediately, scaramouche took them out of your hands and walked up to the cashier to pay for everything. you stood by the entrance of the store, waiting for him to come back.

"catch" his voice called out as he mimicked throwing your drink at you. seeing your shocked face he stopped with a grin and handed you your food and drink, "just kidding~ you should've seen your face" you scoffed and opened your drink to take a small sip from it.

"by the way you're paying me back" scaramouche stated as he grabbed your hand and started walking back home. "what? wait kuni you're just joking right, because you're such an amazing boyfriend who pays for their partner, right?" you asked. he scoffed, "yeah normally, but you decided to wake me up at 2am so you're paying this time" you frowned slightly before sighing, "fine that is true, i'll pay you back. how much was it? i'll give it when we get back to the apartment room. but i'm not sure how much ca-" you were interrupted by scaramouche's lips on yours. it was a small peck and not much but you were stunned nonetheless. he looked at you and rolled his eyes but you still noticed his ears turning red. "idiot, i meant with a kiss" he whispered.

you slowly began to grin once you fully processed what happened. "if you wanted a kiss you could've just asked kuni~" you teased before leaving a small kiss on his cheek. you then took your hand out of his soft hold and ran to your apartment. "cmon hurry up, i want to eat" you said as you took off your coat and shoes. you were already in bed and under the covers with your snacks in hand when scaramouche walked into your apartment and locked the door. he quickly took off his shoes and joined you in bed.

"want me to put something on to watch on the laptop or?" he asked. you shook your head, "nah, i just want to talk or something" you replied as you began to eat your store food. before you knew it, you started to feel your eyes struggling to stay open and you fell asleep. scaramouche noticed this and quietly put away the food, he made sure you were comfortable before laying beside you with his hand draped over you.

━─━────────━─━

also happy new year!! i slept through the countdown (again) but i hope this year will be decent

[solar-halos]

ballad appreciation post

i’m so happy :D. i’ve watched ballad twice this week. the second time i watched it w my brothers i didn’t have anything to say about it bc i was mostly just on edge about not getting kicked out of the theatre but since i teased a breakup over this Boyfriend was on his best behavior so i actually got to watch the movie without anyone asking a million question a scene. in related news we have another lucy gray truther on our side. here are some of my thoughts

1. tom blyth opening screen …. i still got jumpscared seeing him in the nude

2. the way they pronounce lucy grays name still catches me off guard. i’ve been ignoring the “i” completely and just say “bard” in my head (yk bc she’s The Bard). with that being said i know the mayor was in like 2 scenes but i think he did a really good job picking out lucy grays name he looked crazy

3. hunter schafer is my eyebrow inspo. also i’ve mentioned this before w the bathing suits having a 1920s and 50s vibe but she’s giving 1940s to me. but obviously glamor 1940s not war ridden 1940s

4. watching this w someone who hasn’t read the book is so enjoyable. when lucy gray dropped the snake down mayfairs shirt Boyfriend got SO tense “waitwait did she just try to fuckin murder her??” god forbid women do anything

5. okay sorry but the first time i watched it i was trying not to smile (in a laugh-y way) when lucy grays singing part came on. when i read it i thought that part ate but actually seeing it was so different for some reason. i think this feeling might be amplified if you’ve never read the book bc my sister felt the exact same way she said it was kinda fuckin cringe. idk if it was just bc we were at home or she was just feeling silly but she started singing that one camp rock song that’s like “we can’t back down.” which ok yeah that was kinda lucy grays song in a nutshell but it kinda did piss me off bc the “you can kiss my ass!!!!” part was coming on soon and i was stressing over them missing it. also didnt lucy gray have a full on dance break in the book?? god. they should have kept that in

6. okay that scene where she bowed and d12’s nasty ass coal industry being in the background is still one of my fav scenes. ugh loved it

7. wovey idk what it was this time but when she was like “im rlly good at climbing” i almost burst into tears. guys she’s really good at climbing

8. hunter schafer literally killed this. i’d argue that tigris is just as much of a product of her environment as snow is but i don’t rlly know how to articulate that

9. speaking of the reading vs watching thing i mentioned earlier: it rlly jumped out with grandmaam. idk why but when i was reading it grandmaam was SO scary and intimidating to me but watching her so frail and skinny and slightly senile talk about how lucy gray is a killer just seemed so crazy. especially since we know snow believes her

10. “they’re gonna get bombed aren’t they” wtf i walk into every movie clueless how are ppl straight up predicting entire events. but again w the reading vs watching i was GAGGED when they got bombed in the book but in the movie it seemed weird?? like “get the camera on her” and then it just feels like they’re trying to take up space until the actual bombs land. but whatever im being so bitchy i wasn’t surprised bc i literally knew it was gonna happen

11. “i want coral making my latte” and i want tanner on the grill

12. i think it was tanner, but i rlly liked his outfit. i liked all their outfits actually. i’ve been watching so many reels abt the costume designer explaining her inspo for the costumes (like tigris and her 1940s glamor thing going on)

13. okay seriously why did they cut out the kiss… and then when they actually did kiss why did they have lucy gray pull away at first…… i know francis lawrence saying this was a love story was icky but he did a bad job at portraying that so maybe we were worried for nothing (jk we were worried for all the right reasons bc if i had a nickel for every time someone said “i thought they were gonna get married!” about lucy gray and snow i’d have two nickels. which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice). also not to be a hater but snowbaird fans actually fucking irritate me. like the fans that are like “but what if it was wholesome 🥺🥺” what if lucy gray tried to kill him and he tried to kill her back? what if he managed to track her down and she bit him again? what if they hate each other so much that they’re only together bc they wanna see the other person suffer? what then

14. tbh seeing billy taupe made me feel a bit guilty 😭😭. almost terminated my ao3 acc but i get that feeling every time someone mentions something im obsessed w in a very casual way so it wasn’t rlly that serious. also someone either on tiktok or insta was like “was i the only person who preferred snows curls to his buzz cut?” and i genuinely couldn’t tell if they were joking bc like. everyone prefers snows curls to his buzz cut. even snow prefers his curls to his buzzcut. with that being said billy taupe needed to lose the cap

15. ngl the ballad of lucy gray baird actually did make me cry a bit… lucy gray was only 16 she needed to be on tumblr

16. where’d she get that guitar from tho

17. i wish they would have kept in the tributes death parade. that part was icky

18. okay there was a scene where lucky had a drink and then he flicked something off it and pup (i think that was his name) flinched cos it landed on his neck that was so fucking funny i hate that this was the first time i noticed it

19. okay seriously why did they make dill get poisoned. also that cornocopia scene. hmph

20. the first time i watched it i remembered being really confused why lucky called mizzen Merciless Mizzen. but omg after he tried chasing lucy gray down in that vent i understood that was crazy of him. and it did seem like he was an actual teenager which actually made it more unsettling. i feel like rachel zegler has a baby face (i actually think she was 17 in west side story and she looks the exact same now) but mizzen’s actor sing singing her name was perfect

21. lamina at the beam… didn’t she manage to kill someone in the book??

22. “does this mean we get to go home??” god i wish

23. but also “please lucy i can’t have killed all of them for nothing” i liked that she didn’t call her lucy gray that was a nice touch. but also. what a crazy thing to ask. i wonder if she thought lucy gray would be chill w that

24. take this with a grain of salt i haven’t read the books in so long but when snow snuck up on lucy gray in the meadow didn’t she level her guitar at him and then be like “sorry lol i still have one foot in the arena :P” they should have had her hit him in the face w it

25. the old therebefore still hits. i wish they would have included scenes where snow is shown to genuinely dislike her songs like in the books. in the movies he seems more disinterested in what she’s doing which is still bad but also it doesn’t seem as overt as him literally hating on her for no fuckin reason. which i guess is bc we have no insight into his head, like i think someone pointed out that in the book and movie he cried over sejanus being dead but in the book we know it’s bc he was scared it was gonna be him next but in the movie it just looked like he was sad. which i get it he’s perceived as nice by other people but the audience is not supposed to be other ppl we know what his motives are. im not sure how that’d be solved, cos i guess it would be pretty annoying to have him voice his thoughts and you also don’t wanna spoon feed ur audience but like. idk. seems like something you’d wanna make super clear bc to me it didn’t seem like you were supposed to like / sympathize with him, but the way it was done kinda seemed half baked

26. speaking of that… Boyfriend did not get the memo that snow was fucking crazy. “i thought he was gonna marry lucy gray in d12��� WHY? like why would you even think that. were u not paying attention during the hunger games trilogy marathon where would lucy gray fit into that. since my sister thought the exact same thing she tried being like “see? it’s confusing” but it actually isn’t. that’s still a better reaction than my brother he was actually being a fucking weirdo about it cos when snow found lucy grays scarf in the woods and then the snake bit him this mfer went “she tried to kill him” no!!! but i think there might be something to be said about how snow, completely sober, came to the same conclusion as my brother, who was so high he couldn’t even remember who sejanus was

27. okay that’s a lot of sibling lore so atp i think i better end the post. bye

[blood-injections]

i really want to know what Dr benzedrine's reaction is to seeing funsandkid love fighting (assuming that they do that because I haven't read all of ur funsandkid posts yet)

Yeah funsandkid totally fights but its more for fun and just adrenaline versus the usual funkobra fighting for pent up whatever for sanity etc. The three of them are their own little fight club idk if I'll ever get to writing anything about it but they'd try keeping it secret from Benz because. Doctor and sorta leader of the suitehearts they all think he'd be pissed bc they're unnecessarily hurting eacother or whatever even though they never go too far its just scrapes and bruises at the end of the day and an occasional black eye or split lip or something. Very rarely do they get seriously hurt aside from ghoul accidentally breaking kobras nose once. I also think benz wouldn't like kobra that much like hed be thick as theives with jet star i bet bc they have a medic/tired mom kind of bond. Anyway i think kobra gets sandman into racing and benz doesnt like kobra for that bc it means. I mean hes like its a hobby cool sandman needs more hobbies. He just doesn't like it bc its kobra and bc sandmans away from base more often its just best freind jealousy yknow hed used to fighting alongside sandman and them being super close but now kobra and ghoul are getting all the attention. But eventually like kobra and ghoul are around all the time and eventually hes just indifferent hes used to their bullshit he dosnt hate kobra hes just annoyed by him at worst. When he learns they like to fight eachother he isnt pissed like they think like he gives them a lecture but ultimately his reaction is just like. A heavy sigh and a "fine" yknow. Like i said hes used to their shit and hes not happy that theyre beating eachother up but he can see they clearly have like a system about it and make sure bot to go too far and take care of eachothers wounds if theres any so hes like as long as you dont waste our medical supplies i dont give a shit just dont concuss eachother.

BUT. If its the Dr Frankenstein Dr Benzedrine and frankenghoul thing im building, he would have a muchh different reaction because if ghouls his creation hed have a love hate relationship with it like any like parent and their kid hed hate that ghoul maybe didn't turn out exactly how he wanted like not being like him or hed hate that ghoul hates him because ghoul Would hate him, he'd have a sense of loyalty to benz and feel like he owes him it but also hed hate benz for like. Dude you literally made me alive but you wont let me like go be a person or do half these things fuck you. Because yeah benz is super protective of him. In this case ghoul would have a ton of pent up anger and sandman would be sympathetic with his needs to like fucking live and would sneak him out to have fun behind benz back and then theyd meet kobra and in this case if benz found them sneaking off to party or whatever, let alone fighting eachother for fun, hed freak the fuck out cause hes so protective of ghoul and hed yell abt them putting it in danger and risking ghouls health and shit becaue like. He made ghoul and hes scared ghoul could be unmade basically. Hes scared bc hes a crazy mad scienist and grafted different peoples body parts together or whatever and hes scared of ghoul literally falling apart at the seams but like ghouls tougher than benz thinks he is and maybe he'll see that eventually, but at the moment hed be pissed at them all and hed like try to keep ghoul and sandman separated and hed ban them from seeing kobra, which yknow it just makes them all hate him more rip and totally leads to ghoul fucking running away and joining the fab four and sandman probably fucking off to stick with his boyfriends and it totally makes the crews have a rivalry and shit until they all talk it out and forgive eachother, to their extents

[girlwithnomemory1563]

r u serious

pardon my lack of posts; i actually haven't had much time to make poor decisions! just smoke too much, sleep too little and work all of my days away! :,} so actually, a pat on my back is needed since i've been good these past weeks. despite my lack of activity, i have lots of yapping to partake in. i'll try to include a TL;DR at the end to sum it all up.

so we went out thursday! i slept most of the day and then met up with my friend, jane to get ready together. we smoked with her family (hello) and i ended up leaving with a cool ass ashtray! its a pyramid and it opens up to hold all of my roaches :3

ok ok then we head off to her boyfriends dorm and we pregammed with some sort of peachy alcohol... i forgot. but we drank almost the whole damn handle between the three of us before going so i came into the bar just looking for some funsies. immediately, omg, i spot this tall ass hunk of guy (so cringe but if y'all saw him, heeyunk is all you'd think) so ofc im like, ok mental note made. idk if the universe wanted us to meet or if we're just both tall so we saw each other over the crowd LMAO. anywho, we get in there and start dancing after chatting with all of our friends. i got to see an old coworker from my first job! then got scolded by her for being underaged! she actually unleashed a whole bunch of lore onto me abt this other girl we worked with who i actually had such a huge crush on. blah blah basically the girl cheated on the coworker i ran into with her ex and her now current bf. and then ran off to texas! huh!

ANYWAYS OMG we get back onto the dance floor and i see the large man in my radius again. he was like blonde and had the serial killer glasses and a good ass pedo stache. and he was just sooo beefy you have no idea oh my god. and he was 6'5. 6'5!! i'm a 5'10 girl so he's already won me. so we've like seen each other at this point but i keep dancing obviously. the music was so good that night actually, wasn't the normal overplayed playlist. and while im dancing, he somehow ends up in front of me with my group of friends between us and shoves into my friend! and my friend yells at him so obviously i watch with intent and then im like "guys WAIT hes literally a cadet PLS show some respect" so we all saluted him. and he rolled his eyes and i came. lmao jk but it was stupidly attractive and made me reflect abt myself.

we keep going in and out of the bar to smoke and finally, and i've forgotten how we started talking, but he ends up beside me and my friend so i talked to his hunky ass! he was wearing one of those baja (? i googled the style) hoodie in the bar so im like "are you not hot?" and blah blah blah. and we start dancing. and his strong ass beefy arms stayed around me and he was so big grrr. and this bitch bumped into jane so obv jane apologizes. and then the bitch's little goonie ass friend is like "yeah sorry you were in the way.." pardon? so jane comes and tells me and i whip around real quick to find this munchkin bc hey, i have my snake belly ring in so like obv i can do so damage..../not serious at all. and this man...this hunk man...like moved me to be beside him and was like looking for her too! he was down for the gang!

oh god im yapping and i havent even gotten to the GOOD PARTTT. ok so we all go outside and i sit in the chair next to him and we're just chatting. and then he just seamlessly pulls me into his lap??? didn't even struggle? came once again. so im sitting in his lap chatting with him and we go to get up and leave and this man...picks me up and does curls with me still in his arms....never wanted to ride a man's face more than right then and there. so in this moment i have decided im not leaving without this man. and it wasnt even that hard! i mentioned i was going to sleep in jane's boyfriend's floor and he was like "pls i have a bed for you to sleep in" and i was like "say less". i do need more survival instincts BUT you dont get it. if u were feeling the liquor like i was while feeling his huge buff arm around my neck in the bar then you'd understand that i had no other choice. actually lmao as we left, my other friend stella grabbed me and was like "ma he looks like jeffrey dahmer, think abt it" and did! i did think! with my dick!

so we drive to this dingy frat house in the woods (once again, survival is not my middle name hey) and we get in this room that's not even his btw, and there's a bed with a futon next to it. this jackass tells me im sleeping on that futon! and as we were leaving, he was like "no funny business tho, im going to bed" like ok! right! ok ok! but he was just pranking me after i had already started cleaning it up. so we get in bed and start watching tv and im like, abt to explode from horny since i now have this beef cake down to his underwear next to me in bed, so i say "fr no funny business?" and he's all like "i guess some wouldn't hurt" so we start kissing. ok kisser! not a lot of tongue but i get it! and then i move to give him head eventually and he's like instantly "how tf are u so good at blowjobs" and it really stroked my ego so bad. and he came really quick and it didnt throw me off bc for some reason, every man ive been with has ejaculated prematurely in everything. and then we try to go to bed and we're spooning and his boner is pushing into me so im like "you don't want to have sex?" and he says "nope!" and im like "ok! can i ask why!" and he's like

"i'm waiting until marriage!"

ok! ok...! ...ok... i respect that completely bc he went on abt how its like the highest form of discipline to be able to resist sex. so i'm like "ok just put me in the queue when u start sexing people" and we talk a little bit more and then off to sleep we go. so ive made him cum once so far and ive came zero times. which is ok! no its not. but whatever.

we wake up and like, he seemed sorta into me the previous night but i think he saw what i looked like in normal daylight and with no makeup so it turned him off. but we talk some more and i find out my friends killed my vape the night before so obv i bitch abt it. and hes like "i have another vape for you" and he meant his penis! so i give him head again and then he goes to pee. and this man farts so manly and loudly that i could hear it from the room and i cant even say anything. like i knew his tummy felt so much better after that. but then he gets a cup of coffee, doesn't offer me a cup minus 5 points, and then we talk some more. and he checked himself out in the tv reflection as he talked to me. minus like 2 points bc once again, hes beefy so i get it. then he drives me back to my rink dink ass 2005 honda accord and hes like "ah..it says a lot abt you" Hello? Get tf out of my face??

but yeah i left and we haven't talked since! i doubt i'll ever see him again bc hes currently a student at an out of state college. he went to the college in my town for the previous three years and studied biochem...splooged again. but yeah he was just down here for his birthday weekend. so i'll most likely never see him again but if i do, im coming with a wedding certificate so we can bone.

tl;dr: met an amazingly hunky guy, hyped him up so hard in my head, got to his crib and drops the abstinence bomb. i made him cum twice, i came zero. a lose for me but hey...he was so fucking fine i'd do it again any day of the week.

[leatherbookmark]

that being said, and i'm sorry for being a cunt, but

it's... very irritating to read mxtx gushing about how utterly likeable wwx is, how cute lwj is when he's got wwx on his brain, how xy is "trash yang" (this is not from the interview but from the chapter comments), or... whatever she said about jgy... is the interview in japanese or chinese? i've seen chinese terms brought up by the translators and i just ???

it's just like. girl? are we all stupid for reading like, moral greyness, unreliable narrators, Layers into your work? her answers can sound so... idk, shallow? at times. the part abt her "feeling bad for jgy, but please go die now" stayed in my mind for obvious reasons, and now the 狡猾, because: no, wait, hold up, why? i want to hear more! you wrote this character, this antagonist who isn't even working against the protagonist, who's similar but different, whose circumstances are tragic and understandable as such, and you just go... cool motive, still villain, go die? like, seriously?

on top of that, i always wince when people describe jgy as cunning, crafty, plotting, treacherous, manipulative great actor etcetc, because it paints him as this... confident grey eminence who's got everything under control, rather than a guy who just... tries to survive... there was a post abt wwx's manipulation -- literally pissing people off into doing what he wants them to do -- but he's never called manipulative. but someone who doesn't know jgy would think his moustache is a thing straight out of uzumaki. it's like boiling xy down to an insane psycho who's so craaaazy and evil! 100% deranged! it's just incorrect. it's not even "well yes, but it's actually deeper than you think", it's just wrong.

...and then i see the author doing the same. AM I INSANE.

similarly, it's kinda strange to read her gushing about wwx and lwj, because while i understand on a technical level that People Are Different, most of the fic writers i know/have read are drawn to characters because they're fucked up, complex, tragic; they're a puzzle, a fascinating mechanism. not a great guy who's so great and amazing, seriously, who wouldn't like him. have i mentioned that he and his boyfriend are in love that's stronger than everything else in the world? like. did you... write wwx being supremely obnoxious as a teen while thinking he's the coolest guy imaginable?

there was a time when i, still in the clutches of cql wgxn, saw a couple of novel excerpts and decided i hated them. wwx was so annoying! lwj was so different and unappealing! i'm not gonna read this book, it's going to ruin the characters for me! and i mean. it kind of did, but also it didn't. and i sort of... feel this way about the word of god. like, yeah, some of that stuff is interesting, although it's not anything i'd consider invaluable or even particularly enlightening -- but mostly. it's just annoying

[delicatelymentallyunhealthy]

A couple weeks into highschool

September 16,2023,5:50 pm

It’s been about a week since I broke up with my gf and I’ve already started seeing a person. I always thought I was lesbian but he makes me question my sexuality. Yesterday at school during gaming club he took me to an area in the library and made me sit on his lap while he started to finger me..I was like ‘OMG!! Is this really happening!?’. He makes me so fucking wet..today while my mom and sister went out we went on a call and masturbated together..it was so fucking hot..we planned to meet up in the unisex bathrooms at anime club and we would do more..he said he would eat me out and finger me again..and then he wanted me to give him a bj..I am so excited and so nervous. I spend most of my time reading BL mangas, and fan-fictions so I’ve picked up on some techniques..so I hope I am able to please him!! This is my first time ever doing this with someone,  let alone a man. The closest I’ve done to sexual stuff is grinding and that was with another girl..I’m only 13,I have no idea how I’m supposed to think straight!? Everything he does just turns me on so much..but I’m so insecure about my body idk if I will be able to do it..I don’t even know if I will be able to make him feel good!! I just want Wednesday to happen so we can finally do it together. I know it’s wrong to do these things at such young ages but..he’s just too irresistible..I used to be so disgusted when thinking about having sex with a man but..he might be changing my mind..

September 17,2023,5:30 pm

Hey I didn’t have the energy to talk here in the morning but I have some news. Today I woke up and instantly started talking to my new boyfriend,Gabe and I made our picture my wallpaper!! But a couple days ago I accidentally sent a horny text abt how I was wet to my groupchat and now I’m being blackmailed..I was able to bribe him with money but idk how much money I will get when my mom pays me. Maybe I can talk to someone like a teacher or guard but yeah. This morning my mom also called me for wedding try on’s and I literally THREW UP!! But the whole story is that I started getting light headed and she didn’t believe me when I told her,then I told her that I was about to throw up and she grabbed me by my neck and forced me to sit down. 2 seconds later she made me get up,I was still light headed and about to throw up but she finally started taking it off. Once it was taken off I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I ran to the bathroom and vomited. Most of it got into the toilet but some got on the seat and walls and my mom had to clean it up. My boyfriend had some sort of memorial thingy going on so he had to go away and I still haven’t heard back from him..I made some ✨spicy✨ videos for him so maybe I can show it to him when he gets back. On a good note I actually got accepted into the musical “zombie prom” and I play the mother,secretary,and someone named Ramona. I really hope I can play these parts well and I’m already a sort of mother figure to some. I have ALSO managed to create my own harem. Almost EVERY boy in my school has some sort of crush on me. This is sorta my first time being the popular girl and not the try hard so this is a new territory for me.

[xumoonhao]

rant abt queer as folk under the cut <3 read it if you wanna hear abt the messiest show ive ever seen. youll regret it.

ok. right. so queer as folk…god im still so mad abt it lmao but like i need to get all my thoughts out bc how can one show turn out so bad….like it is LITERALLY 8 episodes that are all less than an hour. its probably only ~7h30m of content and so much of it just fucking sucks like. literally. ok anyways it does start off pretty strong, yknow?? first episode is standard for first episodes. introduces all the characters, gives some insight into their relationships and how they know each other, sets up some things yall know how it goes. and then like idk midway thru the ep is like the catalyst for Everything that happens is a shooter goes into babylon (babylon is the club that was a huge focus for the original series and was tied into the reboot) and kills and injures people because its a hate crime. it involves 2 of the main characters heavily (brodie gets shot in the arm protecting mingus who is performing a drag act on stage) and kills brodies best friend daddius, who is also '''dating''' (i use this term loosely, idk if their relationship was defined as this) noah, who is brodies ex boyfriend/fiance (i think??? idk man noah proposed to brodie with a small toy duck or something and then brodie abandoned him to go to med school bc 'oh no commitment is hard :(((' like fuck off actually but w/e) but it affects most of the main characters overall bc like…ofc it would. anyways the ep then kinda goes much of the way the first ep of the original series did w/the lesbian couple having their babies (twins who we dont know the genders of who are named flotsam and jettsam, named bc of mingus which is what the original series did w/justin naming the lesbian couples baby) who are fathered by brodie via sperm donation, and then everything sucks bc we find out daddius died in the shooting :/ which is like definitely a lot for one episode but its just how it is sometimes. also sorry for recapping the Entire first episode but its like literally the only episode that has a coherent storyline so. yeah.

anyways, this made me think the series would focus on like the characters and their healing from this traumatic event and trying to fondly remember their friend and just in generally trying to move on from it and like. it really…isnt like that at all?? like it is for a couple of eps, dont get me wrong, but after the main people spread daddius' ashes the show really moves away from like anything meaningful in terms of the characters healing or literally doing anything good for themselves or each other. like its really incredible. so many of the eps have absolutely MEANINGLESS relationship progress (except julian and noah. theyre the only solid couple) bc literally. none of the relationships fucking matter even a little tiny bit.

i will give a small rundown of things. please bear with me. brodie is the 'main' character (main in quotes bc most of the characters are main characters but brodie is definitely the focal guy bc all the characters are more or less connected thru him) is just a complete asshole. like literally the worst character which is shown to us a bit by way of how he treats mingus (mingus is 17 going on 18 btw. they fall in love w/brodie bc, and this a direct quote, 'he ate his ass in the bathroom' at the club so now theyre in love bc mingus is a teenager and everything is love at that age) which is completely blowing them off (instead of being the mature one bc hes an adult) rather than telling mingus how he feels before he and mingus end up having sex. like wtf?? literally hated that but anyways brodie gets WORSE bc at that point hes just shown to be a fuckboy which yeah definitely sucks but w/e its standard. he could be redeemed from that. but then he just goes on to show how much of a bad person he is by verbally abusing all his friends, manipulating them, lying to them, taking literally ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY for anything, and then apologizing to ppl in the worst way bc when they dont fall at his feet to forgive him, he starts a whole new fight and just ends up being even worse. like i hate brodie so much…god….like he literally did one good thing the entire season which was saving mingus from getting shot. thats literally IT hes a piece of shit the entire rest of the time!!! AHHHHH it makes me so MAD why is the main guy i cannot stand him.

god. it also makes No Sense bc there are scenes that show him and mingus to be like…a thing kind of bc mingus likes him. they really likes him but brodie simply does not care so mingus does end up being with other people which is like…i think at first an effort to make brodie jealous but it literally ends up in nothing which like…alright?? it doesnt really serve a purpose other than being an excuse for mingus being diagnosed with HIV at the end of the series :/ anyways back to mingus and brodie, theres a scene between them in the last ep of mingus being framed by angel wings (parallels a scene from the first ep) which make me think they were going to be a couple, yknow??? like yeah its gross and i hate it but, thru whats been shown, it would make sense. from a storytelling perspective, it makes sense.

but fucking SIKE lmao bc brodie is in love w/ruthie </3 ruthie and brodie do have history tho, so like…ok. they dated in high school before ruthies transition but then broke up bc yknow. things were hard. ruthie was confused back then and wasnt out as trans to anyone yknow how it is. but the thing abt everything that is so. SO confusing is that brodie is gay and ruthie is. a lesbian. but they are in love bc of feelings they never dealt with when they were kids??? EVEN THO RUTHIE HAS A PARTNER AND CHILDREN WITH THAT PARTNER??? but it gets even WORSE bc hey. hey guess fucking what. ruthies partner is cheating on ruthie WITH. BRODIES. MOTHER.

literally…i could not make this shit up if i TRIED. it is absolutely WILD and i hate it all i hate this show it is the messiest show and all of the characters SUCK like brodie literally deadnames ruthie to her face in the middle of a fight they have but they still get their dumbass fucking romantic moment, ending out the series by kissing in the rain like oh. my god. i wish i were dead i wish this show didnt EXIST.

idk if theres anything else to say. i dont wanna think abt this show anymore. kill me

[lavenderfloower]

Idk what to do anymore I cant do anything right because of stupid autism i can barely keep a boyfriend in my grasp because im so fucking stupid when things get difficult i can barely respond and it makes him frustrated cause it seems like im being rude and i just cant handle any sexual stuff from anyone due to some trauma and maybe im just meant to be unlovable and it just seems like my relationship is gonna crumble soon and idek what to do or say was it a mistake am i the problem but no matter how many times i go hey im autistic im not the best at social interactions he just straight up ignores it and hes so freaking horny and im so not horny and i just cant and he claims that we were arguing all day but i didnt see it as arguing and then he talked about one of his kinks or whatever and he wanted to call me a slut or call him a slut or degrade him and i got uncomfortable and i didn't know what to do at all i feel so dumb for just not saying hey i dont like that and then this morning he asked me if i was serious about our relationship and i was like yeah but this whole ordeal has made me unsure and he changed his pfp last night when i just took a break from my phone and posted a depressing ass insta note like i was the one leaving him as if he didnt start anything by calling me young and immature and im only 10 months younger than him and i act immature when i feel comfortable around people and he always says that hes used to dating older women who want to use him and are more mature and i feel like i just walked into a pole flying a big red flag like a moron like what the actual hell am i doing hes more concerned abt how he looks than how i feel about him and its aggravating and i literally don't care abt looks cause ill eventually go blind anyways cause my eyesight is just gonna decline and decline until glasses cant help me anymore so i want someone who has a good personality and can be there and can understand that im not neurotypical and not like his last girlfriends im not gothic and freaky and older by a long shot im just me Rose a autistic girl who goes about life trying so hard to find true bonds and relationships and always fails im not goth i have no specific style and i dress colorful and im not freaky i literally rarely feel any feelings like that either and i may not act mature when i like you because why would i act quiet and composed around someone whos supposed to love the real me the me that thinks everything is funny and makes the dumbest jokes and has a whole board on Pinterest of reaction images to send to people to make them laugh and you know what he said to me "This is why i dont date younger girls" YOU ARE LITERALLY MY AGE hes was in the same grade as me in school and got his heart broken by one girl and thinks hes so mature this is the second guy in a row that probably only loves me for my body once again and im still a virgin no one gets to touch me or take that til im married and every guy seems to think saying i wanna marry you means ill give it up if me and him break up im just gonna stop wasting my energy and give the fuck up on love because i dont need romance i need real friendship and bonds that cant be broken what do you think

[relapsdcw]

10.17.2024 , 2:30am

tw:// su!cide, s/h mention, bpd, drug use, medical/ bodily fluids?

it's funny i made this account and then lost all motivation to really blog on it, and now after my boyfriend and i watching shows im high and decided to feel my feelings at a minimum intensity so i can write this lol

the last few days have been a blur, really. i woke up friday morning so stressed out i was brushing my teeth and started gagging, which ended up leading to a panic attack, and i called out of work 30 minutes prior to my start time telling my store manager i "couldn't stop throwing up" when in reality i was so anxious and couldn't stop shaking, so i called in and i couldn't get out of bed for the entire day.

then saturday came, and the stress of me calling out and how bad i felt ended up actually making me sick, and i spent the day with a fever and actually throwing up.

it made me feel good, in a way though? because i've been relapsing with my eating disorder so me being sick was a reason for me to avoid eating all together.

sunday was spent the same way- bed rotting, attempting to play video games- and then losing energy for it after an hour and laying back in bed because being awake is unbearable.

monday came; some important context is that i tend to get violently high on my off days / at night to help my anxiety, i wake up in the morning with it worn off and severe panic attacks every. single. morning. i'm unmedicated and haven't gone to receive medical care in almost 3 years. my BPD looks a lot more like A and less like B. so.. the edibles help.--- anyway, i wake up from nocturnal panic attacks every morning and it's been like that since may of 2023.

it originally started because my fp at the time had started being more emotionally distant after i got a girlfriend (i'll talk abt her in another post), and i slept-called with him every night anyway (yes i understand that is cheating kind of and i feel terrible but i would literally have panic attacks if i didn't call him lol) ANYWAY i noticed he started to get distant and he told me he was sleep calling w another girl at the same time but it felt okay because he said he kept her on his pc while he keeps me on the phone... yeah i was- it was bad erm anyway the only other thing that has really helped in the past has been either not having work the next day, or cuddling with someone while i'm asleep & them rubbing my back / holding me back to sleep whenever i wake up from more anxiety. ANYWYAY. It was monday-- i had work.

i went to work, i spent the entire day thinking i had a bladder infection when in reality i was so anxious i couldn't stop peeing (no seriously, i kept apologising to my team because i kept peeing every 40 minutes or so) and i felt SO TERRIBLE because my team was perfect we should've gotten out early anyway, i had to text my mom and tell her i had to go to the clinic in the morning, and she said okay after a few attempts of me trying to reach her. (her and my dad drove somewhere to buy erm.. idk can i say this in tumblr? lol.) anyway, i got home and my shift ended- i ran into my parents and talked about it with my mom who couldn't understand what a uti was and i just had to explain it hurt to pee.. anyway we planned to go at 9:30 on tuesday

that night also my boyfriend and i got into a fight and i ended up freaking out and trying to break up with him (i genuinely don't remember what the fight was about) (idk if it was a split or a i was hangry but i blacked out with anger) ... my boyfriend is more patient than i could ever ask for.

tuesday comes: my mom moves the time from 930 to 1130. for some reason this triggered my bpd and i started to take it as she doesn't care about me because i need to go to the clinic and she's wasting my time and she keeps moving the time to later because she doesn't want to hang out with me because she has flaked on me the last 4 times i asked to go somewhere with her and in that moment i was a little girl who needed her mom to take her to the doctor and i felt abandoned. she ended up walking into my room and giving me her antibiotics but i said i don't even know if i really had one, i didn't want to risk antibiotic resistance by taking her medication and it freaked me out- she got mad at me and we started arguing and the argument got so bad i just left. i started to run. i couldn't think about what i was doing i grabbed my phone and my wallet and just left.

i was so mad. the nausea started to set in and i started to feel sick leaving home. it felt like i was in high school again and i was scared. i just left. i'm 22 and i felt like a scared little kid. my mom and i arguing back and forth- i finally come home a little bit later after my mom and i talked. i walk in the door with her asking to go to the clinic now but i felt so exhausted from the fight i had no energy. i didn't care if i had a bladder infection or not i felt so tired- and then she kept prying. "let's go already" over and over again and it just snapped something. we started yelling-- i started yelling, i kept telling her how i thought she was just like dad, how manipulative she is and how fucked up it is that she's picking an abuser over her kids and how much i hate it when she gets high and how i cant trust her and how i cant even eat her food because its disgusting, she had known i wasn't eating and sick and i said that, and i saw the look on her face while she started to blame herself- she tried to come in and hug me but in the moment i was so scared i started to crawl away from her and told her i couldn't do this. i walked upstairs sobbing and started throwing stuff around my room, i felt like a toddler. i hated it. but i couldn't stop it felt like my emotions controlled me and i couldn't see anything good. i looked at the antibiotics my mom had given me earlier and googled them.

i could overdose on this.

it was all that was going through my mind i started to fantasise about my last moments i was sobbing dreaming about the pain but how i wouldn't have to live like this anymore; how i could finally rest, how tired i am- i felt scared for a second- and texted my boyfriend. he begged me not to do anything and i finally calmed down enough to sit on my carpet. i sat there for an hour just picking around at it trying to avoid getting up or moving because if i did, i would've reached for the bottle. i ended up getting so mad i smashed my glasses into my floor while sitting in my carpet and snapped them in 4 different pieces. that wasn't getting fixed. the rage still wasn't gone. i needed to hurt myself. my razors were within reach but instead i grabbed my hair brush. and started untangling my carpet. and i kept doing it until i felt like it was clean. if it was clean. i can be calm. if i can be calm, i can be done. and i did that for a few hours until i got up and started to clean my room. i got up and showered. my mom and i didn't talk for the rest of the night and i ended up spending the night watching movies on discord with my bf, but i got super sick so i had my face above my tea kettle boiling water so my nose could drain because erm.. i got really sick from going outside.

anyway.

now today- we'll yesterday was wednesday. my mom and i texted. i said i was sorry. i could pee with no pain until the very very end so i am instead trying to drink more water because i read that pee is actually super acidic and if u don't drink water it's super concentrated and i remember i really.. hadn't had any water the entire weekend/prev 5 days... so i've been drinking water and it doesn't bother me as much today? my dad doesn't want my mom doing my laundry because i "don't deserve it" but idk how he's allowed to live here when he's abused tf out of us our entire lives but go off ig idk ✨parental trauma sry✨ anyway my mom and i planned to go do my laundry today at 10:30am so im writing this and passing out.

i feel better today. i think. i cleaned my room more and ordered food and i was actually able to eat it. i'm kind of very broke now because i bought some stuff on amazon related to kink and wow that's expensive and i splurged more because... spending problems when upset.. lots of credit card debt.. (can get more into that too) but yeah. i ate food, my bf n i watched wizards of waverly place. i love him so much. i really do. argh lemme make an entire post abt him i swear