#and he should have known that from personal experience - that you don't just reach into people's heads and take stuff out you don't like

[procrastinatingfeminist]

Yeah this is this one thing i feel ambivalent about. On one hand a well known actor (any celebrity not grandfathered into their money and privilege, actually, actors ain't that speshful) has the reach and the audience that very few people in the world can command. Look how many people Taylor Swift compelled to register to vote, just with a few compassionate tweets. Look on the other spectrum of the example, of how many vicious, despicable misogynists has JKR managed to instrumentalize in ostrasizing an Olympic athlete, just because of her greed and because the only thing keeping her relevant anymore is tearing into women so deviate from the western white beauty standard. So, obviously, Pedro does have a lot of power that he can wield. And he often did it, for good cause, when he spoke out about being an ally to trans people, and probably other things too.

On the other hand, his job is being an actor, not the UN ambassador. An actor is, when you get down to it, only a person, who is encumbered by their own limited intelligence, their biases, their beliefs, their cultural upbringing. Why do we constantly harass them to demonstrate model behaviours, to have the right answers about god, and universe, and everything? It is not fair to them. It becomes even more ridiculous when grown ass men and women start asking barely grown up child actors for answers that they should have already intuited themselves, for fucks sake, if they weren't so morally and intellectually bankrupt!!! You don't need Daniel Radcliffe saying to you that bullying is bad or the Seamus, Dean and Neville actors declaring that being homophobic is actually kinda cringe. Pierce Morgan isn't going to be suddenly converted by their quotes, and if this old ass fuck still haven't haven't learned by now how harmful his beliefs are, no amount of badgering a celebrity into voicing their opinion is going to change that, because it is no longer about lack of knowledge, but about lack of moral integrity. Actors aren't superior human beings just because they are famous. They have a pretty specific skill set, and thats it. Some are smart, some are geniuses, but some are also actually pretty dumb, and some are vile. There are plenty actors who happily voted leopard party, before they discovered that their faces are not immune from being eaten.

And on the other other hand, the situation today is not what it was eight years ago, six years ago. US is becoming a full blown fascist state with no checks and balances. Last election period you could still go "lets agree to disagree" without facing career-ending - god, i would actually go so far as to say life-ending - consequences, because the plurality of opinions was still practiced. Now? If someone famous like Pedro fucking Pascal, someone who Disney corporation is invested in backing, because he is the face of one of their best known Star Wars franchises, feels unsafe to offer a public opinion? This is pure, unadelterated fascism. There is no quibbing about it. His career is tied to Hollywood. I bet he already thought about quietly disappearing to Denmark for a few years and starring in a couple of indie european movies - it's not like he hurts for money - but no country in Europe has big enough movie making market to be a long-term solution. And if Trump guts the movie industry with his tariffs as he spouted off, it won't even be an option, because once you go, you are out. And that kind of suffocating, gut-heaving existential fear changes a person. I thankfully remember it only with a distant haziness that comes from living your childhood in such a regime, and it still keeps me up in cold sweat from time to time, and he seems to have a similar experience, but what does it say about our timeline that this feeling is increasingly becoming familiar like it is here to stay, like an unwanted roommate that doesn't pay rent and mooches off your groceries, but you also cannot evict?

Pedro Pascal EDDINGTON - Press Conference - Cannes 2025

[aparticularbandit]

Why do you think Makoto using the NWP was the wrong thing to do? The despair states class 77-b were in was objectively bad and self destructive and removing them so they back to normal should be a good thing. Also I wouldn’t say what Makoto is doing with the NWP isn’t more brainwashing, it’s deprogramming.

I've talked a bit about my hatred for NWP and how it is used in DR2 here, but it really comes down to this:

Forcibly removing people's memories to make them better people is not the correct answer.

Forcibly removing people's memories and reverting them back to a previous state and then rewriting over those memories with new ones is not the right answer.

Especially when you take DR3 into account and that Makoto etc. didn't know about the brainwashing video or when the Remnants fell to despair, they're just making best guess scenarios and wiping out all of their time at Hope's Peak, which effectively means they are wiping out their memories of real Chiaki and replacing them with DR2!therapybot!Chiaki, which is NOT the correct answer, no matter how you slice it.

The end of DR3 is very good about this - you don't make people better by removing the bad thing. You don't make things better by removing the memories of your past, even if they're memories you regret or hate or don't want to ever address again ever. Those memories are still there. They're still important.

Removing memories is not an effective or even good way of deprogramming people who are brainwashed.

Makoto's luck kicked into full gear with all the stuff that happened in DR2 and the shutdown and getting the Remnants as we see them in DR3, which is not a result of them having their memories removed. They still have their memories and are able to recover.

And yeah. Brainwashing is maybe a stretch (it's Junko's word for it, after all) - but they are reaching into a group of people's heads and mucking around with their brains and making choices for who they want them to be and how they want them to be that way (no, no, you can't be Remnants, so we will remove everything that led to that development and make you into someone we want by meddling with your brain)....

Sounds a bit like brainwashing.

Not the way Junko did it, for sure.

Still sounds a bit like brainwashing.

Girl's got a point.

[bunji-enthusiast]

Run, Run Far Angel

Note || I am obligated as a fanfic author to write this, sue me. I got attached to DogDay, and he deserved better in Chapter 3.

WC || 2,070

<(You are here)><(sequel part)>

Sypnosis || An unlikely shortcoming of a friendly entity, or, You get a new friend in spite of this hellish factory.

The noise that had buzzed in the far reaches in the depths of your ears had annoyed you to no end, insistent to remain with you. So many times over had your guilt marred your sense of peace, your sense of futility. Whatever control you felt you had in your life was completely gone the moment you had come back to the accursed place known as Playtime Co. Toy Factory. So many unruly things had gone here, things done and said that left you chuckling–few that had left you with regrets.

Regrets that had stayed with you for well over ten years, since your co-workers had disappeared. You always had a sinking feeling you knew well what had happened to the last of them, your friends and those that you had come to consider family. 

Then you fell into Playcare, a place once filled with laughter and joy, something of which was indescribable. To know the children here and being able to hear such joyful playing and sometimes the odd cry, it was fulfilling, now the whole Factory–every floor there was to know–was devoid of the very same life you’ve come to know and love all those years ago.

Now the only thing that had tormented your mind, as it always had been since you first arrived, was your fight or flight. Instinctive you were, but you hated every minute of having to run and hide away from the monster that had presided reign over their domain, on of which the very one you had to be stuck with was-

“Catnap?” You muttered, thumbing the scarred fur that was blotched with ashy spots, as if it were burned by fire. 

The small recreational stuffed animal looked so adorable for the most part, yet it disturbed you greatly, guilt was predominant in mind and body. In all of your years you had remembered working at the Factory you don't ever recall the name of Catnap, the creepy elongated mouth had stood out to you the most.

He was hunting you, toying with you for sport. You couldn’t really understand why he hadn’t just gunned you for killing you at a moment's notice, though you felt a breath of relief that you could buy yourself time.

Supposedly some of this relief is partial to the fact that this Ollie kid was guiding you on where to go, with how dark this place was is absurd to you–so the guidance was appreciated. A voice had finally snapped you out of your ever consuming thoughts, it was terribly the truth.

“Hey are you alright? Just press that button and you’ll be through in no time! The small critters cant seem to get you from up there so you should be alright.” Ollie, yes Ollie that is the kids name. Who is this strange person anyway?

Unfortunately you weren’t in a position to worry about that right now, you simply pressed the button with the help of your grabpack. Trying to remember all the hands you had now with you was troublesome, but you manage.

‘I suppose.’ You wonder if there is anyone in this place that won’t actively be out for your head, truth be told.

Maybe that was a miracle in mind, as you walked through the desolate rubble the air seemed to desaturate, a mist once permeated with dread and the iron taste of blood seemed to float away as you came across a surprising display. Gruesome but something nobody should have to see or experience. 

It seemed to be DogDay, you could've sworn coming across a cardboard cutout of the very same character earlier. 

He seemed to be so.. Sad.

“You…you’re Poppy’s angel. Come to save us. Nothing left to save, not here…You’re in CatNap’s home, angel. Their home.” His voice was broken, forlorn, vocal cords riddled with experience he never wanted to relive again. You felt saddened on his behalf, no doubt the pain he is feeling right now is tremendous. For a moment, silence had filled the comfortable atmosphere rendering you with a small pit of anxiety balling within your gut.

Still you feel as if you had to speak, but you allow Dogday to have his part, that much you could try to do for him.

DogDay’s head lolled about as if he were a ragdoll, the effort to make movement was extraneous. “A million pairs of eyes are on you now. Watching, waiting, hungry. They want nothing more than to crawl beneath your skin and eat away at you bit by little bit - fill what feels empty inside themselves.” Those words sparked an ire of curiosity inside your trodden heart, you wanted to help him now.

You needed help, especially answers too. He was in pain, and you wanted to help him, so to ease your guilty conscience a little; hopefully in the process of gaining a friend at the same time. “Catnap.. Just, I don’t understand him.” DogDay raised his head, looking at you wistfully as if he had expected the aforementioned cat to be brought up. 

DogDay winced as he moved, each little rattle sending painful vibrations throughout his body–the phantom legs hadn’t brought any peace to him whatsoever.

“That thing…CatNap. The Prototype is his God, and this is what he does to heretics.” His words carried an aura of ominous spiels, as if you were to heed this warning. “These little toys follow CatNap to avoid that very fate- and in return, they are fed.” 

In their place, you would take measures to avoid such a fate too if you would. To a point, you could sympathize with the small toys, not being able to do anything and the teetering possibility of being killed always hanging over your head. Knowing that alone is unfathomably terrifying.

“Would explain why they were hunting me previously..” You murmur, now tucking that thought to the depths of your mind. Still you wanted to hear out DogDay, for he knew better of what had gone on here then you did. His head had shagged, fur ruffled and dangling about as he had squirmed slightly.

“We tried to fight it, the Prototype’s control. I’m…the last of the Smiling Critters.” His tune was mournful, his friends really had been killed right before his very eyes. Catnap’s gas, you remember it well enough. 

You had to take a moment – articulate your words. You were completely filled to the brim with anxiety and alert, you remind yourself to not let down your guard in spite of being with someone who has no intention of wanting to kill you. “You had tried to escape, and he… knocked you out with his gas?”

DogDay’s brows creased, confirming your answer. You felt so terrible for him, causing you to be firmly set on a decision. 

You were helping him get out of here, in no way shape or form did you feel he should be left behind in shambles like this. “This is probably going to sound, insane. But I’m gonna help you get outta here.” Dogday perked up at this, nodding his head no.

He certainly didn’t want you to die, especially not on his account.

“Angel that is not wise! I will slow you down.” He persists, “Listen to me, you need to get out of this place. You need to live. You and Poppy can fix this, end this madness, the torment–” You didn’t want him to change your mind, so as immediate as you were, You desperately grabbed at his arms.

Quickly and surely enough the small critter toys had began crawling toward DogDay, you certainly would not put up with that. You fired a flare gun at the small critters, as much as you could so you could buy time to get DogDay out of his chains.

It seemed Dogday had sensed your determination to want to help him in spite of his warings, even with how much he had tried to convince you to leave. “You are doing well Angel, keep them away from me.. I will do my best to free myself of these.” His voice felt strained, cut off with a cough as he wriggled free–even if every brittle bone in his body had begged him to just lay there and rest.

You thanked him silently, continuing to work away at the critters who were highly determined in their goal to possess DogDay and resume their chase to kill you. “I am free! Quickly now Angel, quickly.” He ushered you forward to run right away, you picked him up as soon as he had done so and heaved him over your shoulders with a heavy breath as a display of your efforts. To say he was surprised at your willful strength was an understatement, he silently applauded you for your strength to keep moving.

Though, it hadn’t removed any of his worry for you as you continued to run forward, your muscles straining to keep up with your mind. From what he can understand of humans anyway, you were exhausted, though he felt it wasn’t right to speak out on it anyway–safety first before talking. 

“Almost there, Angel.. You just need to get to that elevator over there!” He jabbed his finger in the direction you needed to go, and you went on instinct with his direction. Your muscles ached and burned, but you could rest as soon as you reached the elevator, you couldn’t risk DogDay being left behind helpless with the small critters.

Speaking of which, they were still chasing you and your new companion. You wished they stopped, but you had considered an aforementioned thought, they only do this to ensure their fate wasn’t like his. Since then this has wildly changed.

You were close to the edge.

Then, you leaped, everything seemed to slow down. DogDay held on tightly, hands wrapped around your neck secured tight, to you it seemed comforting in the depths of your sudden despair.

You dropped right onto the metal plate, which luckily had railing. The door shut right behind you as DogDay had quickly made action to press the button to start up the elevator nor long after you had succeeded in jumping to the elevator. He slumped with a sigh, something you could very much agree with, sitting down with a thump following in your wake. 

Truth be told, you weren’t sure of how much more you could take much more of this nightmare. You may just as well be in a very long dream, and you were just actually sleeping at home, but no way however as the exhaustion had finally settled into your bones. 

Weary bones creaked about as DogDay made an effort to check over your slumped body, wanting to ensure you were not injured anywhere before he spoke, “Whatever questions you have..” He paused for a moment as if he were considering his words, something of which seemed to happen to a lot of people and toys alike in this Factory. “I will answer, rest for now first.”

DogDay was being his typical self, always so worried over someone else before considering his own health. His own legs being severed must be a great deal of pain, you wanted to ask him to rest too. Yet, you were too tired to respond, only nodding curtly as sleep had stolen you away from your awakened consciousness. 

A genuine smile seems to relax DogDay’s expression, you sorely needed rest. He would help you get that rest, things to talk about and things to face would come later. “You have done impossible things, you have run far. Thank you.” He quietly spoke, curling up to cuddle you. 

His head laid to rest on the crown of your head, hands and arms elongating ever so slightly to surround you in his warmth. DogDay was a leader, a friend, but he was also a good napping buddy. That much was certainly no lie to be told. 

Silence seemed to fill his ears now, sleep was creeping up to DogDay as well. Ah, he cannot sleep right now. You were in his care and vulnerable, especially considering you had gone through the trouble of freeing him. 

To those tormented, the madness had enraged man and toy, you were their saving graces. Someone they could get behind, without the utmost support where would you be now?

“Night has fallen, but for you I will do my absolute best to help you, Angel.”

[hwaslayer]

wildfire (cs) | 8.5

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 1.5k

—chapter content/warnings: this is a few days post-symposium so san x oc are pretty much a thing by now lol, one-sided feelings 😭, nothing else rly!!

"What, why?" San laughs. "No, let's go get lunch. On me."

"San." Zara furrows her brows at him, crossing her arms in dispute.

"Seriously."

"I'm the one who asked you to meet, shouldn't I be paying?"

"Not really." He laughs. "Besides, I don't have anything going on until after lunch. Unless.. you're busy?"

"No. I'm not." San smiles and nods towards one of the cafés nearby.

"Okay, so let's go." 

"You don't need to meet anyone for once?" She jokes.

"Nah. Well, you, now." Zara playfully rolls her eyes and follows alongside of him. It had been a couple of days post-symposium, and Zara had received some emails regarding potential tours of her lab space, especially from donors. She had sought advice from the rest of the group, but she wanted to meet with San to get a little bit more info on his experience. 

And he had provided her with more help than she could've asked for.

The rest, although insightful, gave her advice— going along the lines of 'just be yourself!' or 'elaborate on your work, you should be gold!' But, San managed to take his time with her and gave her specific scenarios. Specific what-not-to-do's and what-to-do's, adding in a sprinkle of personalities and focus points from the foundations that reached out based on his own experience. He even gave her more tips on how to present her lab while it's still a work in progress with the one postdoc and grad student she has.

She really appreciated it, and she couldn't help but feel a little more attracted to the man San had shown to be. He was always helpful and incredibly sweet from the beginning, but with someone who has a packed schedule day in and day out— she couldn't help but be grateful for the extra time he carved out for her. It hadn't been their first meeting, obviously. This had been one of a few since she started; mainly meetings to check in and see how things were going. But, Zara appreciated every single one because she knew San had a busy schedule.

Yet, he still carved out time for her.

And maybe she was being a little too optimistic—after all, most meetings had been about her. She knows a few things about San, like his parents and what they've been up to. She knows that he enjoys watching all sports with the guys, likes dabbling in golf and random hobbies with them and hanging out at each other's homes. She knows that Iseul was his ex-wife, but it was such a known fact around campus she couldn't say it was a San fact only she knew. She knows him mainly from a colleague perspective; she knows about his work and awards. Other than that, she doesn't know much. San might know a little more about her than she does with him and that's because she put it out there hoping he'd feel more comfortable to on his end.

Oh well.

When they reach the café, San scans the menu next to Zara, while Zara can't seem to help but glaze over his figure. He's wearing a brown button up with the sleeves rolled up halfway. Jeans. Chucks. Zara can faintly smell his cologne from where she stands. She's a bit past his shoulder in height, right by his jaw perhaps. They've got a good height difference, bearing that she's in these boots with a 1.5-inch heel.

"Zara?" He cocks his head to the side when he finds her spaced out, eyes now roaming around the café.

"Hm?" She hums.

"I was asking if you knew what you wanted." He smiles and she can't help but softly smile, too.

"I'm just gonna get the tuna melt."

"That's all?"

"And the peach iced tea, please." He chuckles.

"I got you."

"I'm gonna go save us that table." She points over to a free booth that just popped open, and San nods. She breaks free from him after he asks one last time if she wanted anything else, giving him that smile of hers before walking away and settling down at the table. She pulls out her phone and scrolls through new emails, answering a select few until San plops down in front of her. He slides the beeper and their drinks onto the middle of the table, pulling out his phone to scroll through his own notifications.

you: [sends selfie]

you: me today lol

San subtly smiles and quickly texts back, trying his best not to be too pre-occupied while with his colleague.

san: prettiest i know. 😍

"So." Zara sips on her peach iced tea. "How are things going in the lab?"

"Uh, it's been good! Everyone's busy per usual. I've got a postdoc actively working on his paper, and he's been getting a lot of good results with my rotation student."

"Sunwoo?" San nods. "Who's your rotation student?"

"Y/N. She's been great."

"Oh! That's good to hear."

"Yeah, everyone seems to be moving in a good direction. Guess I'm doing something right after all." She giggles. 

"Quit talking all that nonsense, you know you're good at what you do."

"Am I?" San smirks before sipping on his drink, and it makes her blush. 

"Stop." The food comes at this moment, and San is gently sliding over her plate before grabbing his. She thanks him one last time for treating her to lunch before they dig in and talk about upcoming school events, conferences and talks— particularly NAS coming up. At some point, his phone on the table dings and Zara watches how San's eyes light up before he locks his phone and returns his attention back to her. To pivot from work for a little [and to try and pry], Zara takes a sip of her tea again before changing the subject. "So. Anyway. Any plans for the weekend?" She rests her chin on her palm, looking at him while she waits for him to respond. 

San can see the way she looks at him, and it reminds him of the way you look at him. But, of course, it means a lot to San when you do it; it only makes him feel bad when Zara does it. Zara hasn't outright said she had feelings for him, but it's been pretty clear since the get. And he knows having Mingi and his friends in her ear, pushing the idea of them getting together doesn't help. Maybe one day he'll get the opportunity to talk to her and tell her the truth— that he truthfully believed they were good this way, as good friends, colleagues. He does respect her, and he does appreciate her company as a friend. 

He's not gonna lie and say his heart doesn't belong somewhere else because it does. All he wants is you.

"I've got some plans, yeah." Is all San says, which kinda makes Zara nervous as to why he's being so vague about it.

"With what? Are you seeing a special someone?" She teases.

"Uh." He laughs it off. "Just hanging out is all. What about you?" He doesn't say much because he doesn't wanna give things away and let people connect the dots. Zara nods slowly, almost like she's trying to read his body language carefully.

"Hm, I see." Her heart drops because the way San answered is enough to tell her yes, he is seeing someone special. "I'm just gonna visit my parents."

"Oh, that'll be nice! Speaking of, I should visit mine soon."

"You should." She tosses her napkin onto the plate before setting it aside. "All done?"

"Mhm." She looks at his plate, which is also cleared off. "Packed afternoon?"

"A bit, nothing too bad. What about you?"

"I'm done after 3pm. I'll be heading out early for once."

"That's good, take advantage of it." His phone dings again and he takes a minute to read it, a small smile building at the corner of his lips before locking his phone again. He gathers their trash and stands, preparing to return the dirty dishes with his cup in hand. "Ready? I can walk you back to your building."

"You sure?" San nods.

"All good."

"Thank you, San. For lunch and for meeting with me today. Your advice was super helpful."

"Of course, any time." Zara's heart warms at the way he waits for her and walks alongside of her on the way out of the café. He holds the door open and lets her walk out first, slowly trailing by her side as they make their way back to her building.

She's unsure of what to do with her feelings for him, especially after today. It's obvious he's seeing someone, at least starting to. Building up to it. He saw the stars in his eyes whenever his phone dinged and he read those messages. Those stars weren't there when he returned his attention to her. All she saw were his big, brown eyes, but they weren't full of the stars, the galaxies, the sun, the moon. They were empty. No feeling, no excitement. Not the same as the way she would look at him. 

She wondered how it would feel to be on the receiving end of San's starry eyes.

She wondered who was on the receiving end of San's starry eyes.

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom @barbielibra @brown88 @choisansplushie @yunhoswrldddd @hyukssunflower @vickykazuya @lucid-galaxys-world @jaytheatiny @pommelex @thechaotictheoryy @vixensss @santineez @nopension @domfikeluva @in-somnias-world @my-atiny-kookie-rkive @mountiiny

[021894s]

— 02 the invite [1.5k]

MASTERLIST | PREV | NEXT

PAIRING: brothers bsf!sunghoon x f!reader

WARNINGS: mentions of heartbreak, mentions of throwing up, cussing

AUTHORS NOTE: babies!! this is my first ever written piece!! it’s not perfect but I hope you guys enjoy nonetheless. i’m excited for this storyline to begin to unfold. love you, thank you for reading <3

Sunlight streams through the curtains, and your eyes snap open. Panic sets in as you realize you're not in your own bed. Scrambling to check the time, the memory of last night's chaos comes flooding back – Jungwon, in a lot worse condition thanks to Jake's encouragement, making it so you had to play caretaker after the countless shots and rounds of beer pong.

You leap out of bed, heart racing. Class starts in twenty minutes, and your professor isn't known for leniency. Grabbing your things and getting dressed in some clothes you had left behind, you rush downstairs, only to nearly collide with Sunghoon, who's looking unfairly good with his tousled hair and that deep, just-woke-up voice.

"What’s the rush?" he asks, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

You're momentarily distracted by his disheveled charm, but the urgency of the moment snaps you back to reality. "I'm late for class," you blurt out, then remember Jungwon, still knocked out in the guest room. "Can you keep an eye on Jungwon? He had a rough night."

Sunghoon nods, a smirk playing on his lips. "Sure thing. you should go before you’re even more late."

Grateful, you offer him a quick smile, glancing around only to see niki and sunoo slumped on the living room couch. you turn back to sunghoon ,giving him a knowing look and bolt out the door, hoping you can make it in time.

You rush through the crowded hallways of your university, heart pounding in your chest. The sound of your footsteps echoes, matching the frantic beat of your thoughts. As you finally reach your classroom, you take a deep breath to steady yourself before pushing open the door.The professor pauses mid-lecture, giving you a stern look. "Late again, Y/N?"

You offer a sheepish smile, quickly finding an empty seat. "Sorry, sir. it won't happen again."

as if your morning couldn’t have gotten worse you feel your phone buzz with a new message. Glancing down, you see it's a forwarded email – a formal wedding invitation from your ex. Your heart skips a beat as you read the elegant script, announcing their upcoming marriage. It's a surreal moment, one that brings a mix of emotions swirling through you.

You're not sure how to react. Part of you is happy for them, genuinely wishing them the best, but there's also that tiny, complicated twinge of... something. It's not exactly sadness, not exactly jealousy, just a poignant reminder of the past.

Leaning back in your chair, you can't help but let your mind wander to Jeno. he was your first everything. Your first love, your first heartbreak, the first person who made you feel like you were truly alive. You remember the way he used to hold your hand, the way he smiled just before he kissed you, and the way he made you laugh until your sides hurt.

Heeseung had always been wary of Jeno. He'd seen the signs, warned you about his antics, and tried to protect you like he always has, naturally, being your older brother, but you don't regret a single moment. Despite the warnings, you plunged headfirst into the relationship. You got to experience love—the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Even now, with the wedding invitation in hand, you can't bring yourself to feel bitter. Heeseung might give you that 'I told you so' look, but you'll just shrug it off, because to you, love, even when it ends, is something to cherish. It taught you, shaped you, and you wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

Class finally ends, and you make your way back to your brother's house. Opening the door, you find everyone except jay, saerom and jake in the living room, engaged in a random conversations about the previous night.

As you step into the living room, the change in your expression doesn't go unnoticed by Heeseung, his brow furrowing with concern. "What's up?" he asks, his voice tinged with brotherly caution.

You hesitate for a moment, feeling the weight of your phone in your pocket. Sighing, you pull it out and hand it to him. "It's Jeno's wedding invite," you admit, watching his eyes scan over the elegant script, capturing the attention of your friends in the room. Heeseung's protective instincts kick in immediately. "You're not thinking of going, are you?" He hands back your phone, his gaze steady on yours.

You meet his look with a resolve that surprises even you. "I think I need to," you say firmly. "For closure." Heeseung doesn't look convinced, but he knows better than to argue when your mind is made up. "Just... be careful, okay?" he says, and you can tell he's trying to understand. You nod, grateful for his concern but knowing this is something you have to do for yourself.

Niki, always the joker, jumps into the conversation, trying to lighten the mood. . "I never liked Jeno anyway, you were too pretty for him, and he’s the clumsiest person to literally ever exist”. You can't help but laugh at Niki's attempt to make you smile. "Thanks, Niki," you say, playfully rolling your eyes. "But let's not get too carried away with the ego boost, okay?"

you glance over at jungwon, who clearly has not made a full recovery and is still very much regretting letting jake feed him shot after shot. it’s then you realize that you have no idea about saeroms whereabouts. that probably makes you the worst best friend known to man but in your defense, you had a pretty hectic morning. iyou catch sight of her walking out of jake’s room. confusion spreads across your face. why would she be in his room?

looking a little disheveled, she freezes as she notices everyone's eyes on her. The not-so-secret secret is out, and her cheeks turn a shade of pink.

"Guys, it's not what it looks like," Saerom stammers, but the knowing smiles and snickers from heeseung and sunghoon tell a different story.

You raise an eyebrow playfully. "you and jake? when did that happen?” Saerom bites her lip, trying to suppress a smile. "Okay, okay, maybe it's a little bit like what it looks like, and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. i was afraid you’d be upset since yknow jake is heeseung’s friend and all" she admits. “trust me im more worried about you catching something from jake than him being my brothers friend” you tell her.

heeseung smiles, “trust me jake’s ONLY been sleeping with her”. you snap your head, giving her an offended look, “my BROTHER knew about this before me? ok now im hurt”. Sunghoon laughs, “it was kind of hard not to find out when they both clearly have a thing for exhibitionism”.

“ ok i think im gonna throw up now” jungwon says causing everyone to let out a laugh”.

niki gasps, “SO THIS is why you’ve been wanting to come to every ksana party??? i knew you were still a boring bitch”. “ok who invited him” saerom rolls her eyes. the sudden commotion in the room wakes sunoo, who had still be deep asleep on the couch next to niki. “what’s going on” he says in a groggy tone. “you don’t wanna know” sunghoon tells him.

you turn to him. Once again admiring his look, now put together as opposed to his disheveled state you encountered when you ran into him this morning. you made a mental note to thank him later for keeping an eye out for jungwon.

You can't help but feel grateful for your friends, even in the midst of reminiscing about your past. With their humor and love, you know you'll be able to face whatever comes your way.

later on back at your place, you catch Saerom up to speed on all the details. “that dick invited you his wedding???, what the fuck is his problem” saerom states with a tone of disgust. “i found it odd too but I think it’s what I need in order to finally close that chapter in my life” you say, assuring her.

“you now what this means right?” she presses. “no?” you ask, a bit confused as to what she has up her sleeve. “you need a date!” “yeah no” you quickly reply. “come on babes you can’t show up alone. you need to show him that you’ve moved on too and don’t care that he wasn’t the one for you”. you ponder her idea. it wouldn’t be so bad. it’d save you from the internal embarrassment of showing up to your ex’s wedding all alone, looking like some pathetic loser who came to drown in her sorrows at the sight of her first love being wedded away to a different woman. after more careful consideration, you reluctantly agree. saerom claps her hands in excitement. “where in the world am i going to find someone that’ll agree to being my date within 2 weeks?” you weren’t exactly the popular type around campus, despite being heeseungs little sister.

“i can ask jake, maybe he’ll know someone?” saerom suggests. you’re hesitant and take a moment to really think about your plan here. “we need to find someone you can be comfortable with. you’ll need to hold hands and do couple shit to make it beliveable”. Saerom tells you, a little to excited about the whole ordeal. you swallow, oh boy are you in for a ride.

taglist: @cornenhapovs @myjaeyuns @magssu @leeknowsgfsblog @luminouskalopsia @jentlecoeur @heeslut4life @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @jaeyungxrl @rapmonie2047 @anormieee @nishislcve @leesura @en-happiness @kimsunoops @heelariously @rikiwaify-blog @ihrtgyuuu @purennn @hoonharem @g0niki @hearts4itoshi @yongbokified @shuichi-sama @xiaoderrrr @hongshuaknow @skylaly @yzzyhee @jwnghyuns @heelovesmeknot @kookify

[linkspooky]

Ciel-Noel post

Revenge is bad, actually. Simple revenge in stories is boring and uninteresting and Kill Bill is a bad movie.

I dislike the idea of punitive justice in stories to begin with, at least in stories that don't look critically at it. However, I also think people often get punitive justice (a branch of moral philosophy) with the idea of narrative punishment (actions have consequences in stories). I'm not against narrative punishment at all, well-written stories should have direct consequences for all the important characters actions. If a character is a noble gas and no one reacts to their actions, then they are stagnant and unchanging. A character who is constantly reacting to other people, and provoking reactions in return, is a dynamic character.

Now that I've thoroughly buried the lead six feet under, let's get to the main event. Ciel and Noel is a tightly written tragedy in the horror genre. If you've ever watched a slasher movie before, horror operates on like, an extreme kind of narrative punishment. People always joke that if you have sex, or do drugs, or drink alcohol in a horror movie the slasher will kill you and yeah, that's basically it. Horror movies are relenting and unforgiving, you basically take one step out of line and get stabbed in the back for it. So, it's not at all surprising that in the same story where Ciel experiences a change of heart and goes from seeing Shiki not as a victim but another vampire to kill, to being willing to sacrifice everything to save him, Noel does not get saved. Doesn't that make Ciel a huge hypocrite going the extra mile to save her boyfriend, but putting a bullet in the head of the partner she's known for years to put her out of her misery? Why, yes. Yes it is. That's also the point.

Ciel (and Noel's) route in the Tsukihime remake are about two girls who are the victims of the same tragedy. One gets saved, one does not. One finds a person who will do anything to reach and redeem their humanity, the other does not. They both get worse and worse, but one is given a helping hand at their lowest point, and the other gets a bullet between the eyes. This is unfair, and cruel, and again the point. Nasu in the remake turned one of the routes with the happier ending into a bitter tragedy no matter which of the two endings you pick and it's great.

Nasu is a writer who understands the tools of storytelling and with Ciel and Noel, wrote a tightly constructed tragedy where both characters face a narrative punishment. Once again, narrative punishment means for every action the character takes in the story, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Characters don't get away scott free with anything. They reap what they sew. This gives the characters actions meaning, and feels like they are building towards an arc because there is an underlying point that the author is trying to make to us, by framing these characters actions in a certain light.

Nasu employs narrative punishment, sometimes even incredibly harsh narrative punishment (read every wrong choice in FSN where Shirou gets horribly maimed or just Shirou's life in general). However, Nasu does not believe in punitive justice. I mean, I made a joke about Oberon up above but like, Nasu literally wrote an entire FGO Lostbelt chapter showing how chaotic evil the fairies were, and then he still underlined it's wrong to punish people without a chance for redemption or atonement by making Oberon the final boss. Even Castoria who is an ultimate victim of the fairies who was locked in a barn and treated like an animal, and didn't even want to save them was still like "This is wrong, we should have given them some chance to redeem themselves."

That belief that punishment without the chance of redemption is wrong, is written into the core of Ciel and Noel's tragedy.

So anyway, let's get to the part where I start recapping the story with analysis so you guys have some frame of reference for what I'm talking about. Noel is a previous victim of Roa, a vampire that continually reincarnates by hijacking bodies. A victim of ROA slowly becomes possessed until the two personalities effectively merge, at which point Roa goes on a killing spree. This happened to Ciel in her french village, Ciel noticed intrusive thoughts of a voice in her head telling her to kill her family, kill her family, kill her family, and did her best to ignore and suppress them until she couldn't. She then tore out her parent's throats, and then went on a rampage only to be killed by arcueid a short while after. Not before killing basically everyone in the town except for Noel.

Ciel and Noel are the lone survivors of ROA's massacre, and both victims of ROA himself. Ciel and Noel are also the same person, so like, write that down. Are you taking notes? This is gonna be a long post you better be writing down bullet points. Big bullet point number one, Ciel and Noel are the same person this is going to be on the test later.

Is the massacre, and all the deaths that occurred Ciel's fault?

No, you'd think logically being possessed by someone else and only having your agency taking away from you would clear you from responsibility.

However, Ciel was taken in by the catholic church afterwards and they weren't having any of that forgiveness shit. Ciel after miraculously recovering from her death at Arcueid, no longer under Roa's possession, is killed repeatedly by the church, only to find she's immortal now. No matter how many times they try to torture her, or execute her to give her justice for the victims of the massacre it doesn't work. So, instead they eventually just recruit her to be a vampire hunter. Bla bla bla, metaphor for how punitive justice doesn't actually accomplish anything, bla bla bla, metaphor for how Ciel's way of redeeming herself by hunting down and punishing other vampires (which is also just revenge) doesn't work because there's no end to it, there's no forgiveness or absolution, it's just eternal suffering. Would a loving god who created the world and preaches about forgiveness really make a hell where all the really bad people get sent to, and never get any chance of redemption?

“A God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave is angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell--mouths mercy, and invented hell--mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!” ― Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

So, already we're touching on both justice, and also the hypocrisies of certain western religions, by Nasu demonstrating that justice without forgiveness accomplishes nothing. Ciel trying to redeem herself in the eyes of the church is truly the sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill of redemption arcs, because there's no forgiveness, only hard labor for her sins. Ciel will just keep killing vampires to atone until she dies, but she can't die, so that boulder will keep rolling up that hill.

This is the underlying point of Ciel's entire arc, Ciel does not save anybody. She kills vampires. By killing vampires she hypothetically stops them from killing future victims, but that's not saving them. One of the most poignant things I've ever read from Nasu was from UBW where Shirou says more or less if there's a bank robber holding up a bank, and a cop comes in and shoots the robber through the chest, that might save all the hostages but the bank robber didn't get saved. You might say, well obviously, you can't save everyone. It makes sense that you'd save the innocent victims first. At which point I would say yes, I know, I have in fact consulted the ancient texts, UBW is my most replayed route.

However, Ciel and Noel's conflict gets that same point across because there are no innocent victims between the two of them. Ciel and Noel are both victimized, robbed of their agency, and go on to do terrible things, but one of them is saved and one is not. Noel isn't the bank robber in that metaphor, she's the hostage who was cooperating with the bank robber because the robber had a gun to her head, who the swat team decided to snipe through the window.

Noel is introduced as an entirely new character in the remake, she is the only other survivor of the massacre. While Ciel has memories of herself committing the crimes and feels guilt for that, Noel watched everyone die and was tortured for days on end by Roa in Ciel's body for their amusement (someone who was so insignificant to them, that Noel refers to herself as just one chip in a bag of chips Roa was snacking on. That's right, Noel is a cheeto in the grand scheme of things). There is one quote I love from John Dies at the End where John talks about how they're not chess pieces, they're not pieces on the board, they're so insigificant that they're just a cheeto sitting on the outside of the board. That's Noel, she's a cheeto.

The thing is Noel seems to be somewhat narratively aware of the fact that in the grand scheme of things she is a cheeto. Noel and Ciel are both victims of the massacre turned vampires, Ciel is a vampire killing machine and Noel sucks at it. Ciel despite being some rando apparently is born with enough magic circuits to make ancient magus families jealous, and on top of that is the only one who ever survived Roa's possession (and got immortality to boot). In every generation there is a chosen one, she alone will stand against the vampires and the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer. So you've got Ciel the Vampire Slayer, and Noel who's just a cheeto. The cosmically ordained protagonist of reality, and just some guy. Noel has to basically beg and scrape to get by, no matter how hard she works she doesn't get stronger, she doesn't get any cool super powers from the night roa burned down her home town she just gets trauma. She also doesn't get a special boyfriend who will do anything to try to give her a normal life. This is illustrated in true tragic irony, by showing that Noel had a crush on a japanese foreign exchange student who's clearly meant to foil Shiki and he was basically the support she leaned on for the entirety of the tragedy, he dragged her away from danger multiple times, only to find out the reason he saved her was to use her as zombie bait so he could make his escape.

Here's where Noel starts to shine because in a typical narrative, Noel would be the more sympathetic character. People like rooting for the underdog. However, Nasu dares to be different by making Noel extremely difficult to empathize with. For one she's extremely predatory in the way she makes constant uncomfortable advances on Shiki the main character. She's also predatory in the sense she enjoys preying on things weaker than her. She says it line for line, weak people have to pick on those weaker than them. Noel goes after small fry vampires for revenge, and to vent her frustrations, however, she doesn't just kill them she rips them to pieces and tortures them in the most inhumane way possible until they're begging for death.

Why would anyone sympathize with the weak, predatory, pathetic noel who only ever makes excuses and blames others to run away from responsibility, over the stoic, strong ciel who is willing to hunt vampires forever to take responsibility for her actions.

Well here's the thing, *gestures for you to come closer, and then whispers in your ear* all the shit that Noel pulls, Ciel does that too. Ciel and Noel are either the same age, or around the same age, so if Noel is a predator for hitting on Shiki than so is Ciel. It's almost like something happened to them in their youths that stopped all their mental development rendering them both like mentally 16. Noel mercilessly slaughters vampires for revenge, and so does Ciel. She just does it offscreen. We don't know if she tortures them or anything, but remember when Ciel hunts Shiki, how she knows that Shiki is a helpless victim in all this and still goes out of her way to twist the knife, hurt him both physically and emotionally in every way possible before making the final blow.

The reason she acted that way during her and Shiki's confrontation isn't because she was stoically forcing herself to kill Shiki because that was the right thing to do, no she was projecting herself and her survivor's guilt for not killing herself before Roa went on his massacre all over Shiki. She was getting her revenge on a helpless victim because projecting on Shiki was a way for her to punish herself. Noel hates herself for being weak, Ciel hates herself for not being strong enough to slit her throat before everything happened (ergo being weak). They both deal with this self hatred by projecting that onto vampires, even vampires who were turned against their will (especially those ones tbh) and slaughtering them. They were both taken in by the church and taught to do that, so the church could get two child soldiers to send to die fighting vampreis. Ciel is Noel, and Noel is Ciel.

Not only does Noel project her past self and her weaknesses onto vampires, she projects herself onto Ciel. In that Noel really wants to be Ciel. Which is understandable, would you rather be, a girl who's only super power is... having an axe, or a girl with like seventeen million cool weapons, has more mana circuits than most mages, and is fucking immortal.

That's just the surface though, Noel is on like fifteen levels of projection with Ciel. Noel's identity is incredibly tied up in her complicated feelings towards Ciel, both because Ciel is the face of the person who committed every atrocity to Noel, but also because they are the two lone survivors of the same tragedy. Noel and Ciel both try to make themselves into tools for killing vampires to cope with their survivor's guilt, and their inability to conceive of themselves having a normal life after what they have been through. They also were both denied any chance at healing, because the church swept in and fashioned them into hunting dogs to sick on the vampires, and fight those vampires until they die. They are also both convinced that the church is right for doing this, and that deep down they either cannot have (Noel) or do not deserve (Ciel) normal lives while they both secretly pine for it anyway. Both of them are denied the chance for recovery, (because revenge does not heal), and Noel takes that one step further by deliberately driving a wedge into Ciel's recovery.

To quote you Comun, even though you're the one that sent this ask:

And Noel is a character inserted in Tsukihime to thwart Ciel's steady recovery. A constant reminder of what she lost and how the blood is in her hands. To cope with the sins Roa used her body for, Ciel chose to be the Holy Church's most professional extermination machine. Noel is the only survivor of her village because Elesia also died that night, being replaced with Ciel, who is fueled not by emotions but by a vampire kill count. And while Noel is a petty bitch at heart, she genuinely believes Ciel's post-trauma life choice and respects her capability to pull it off. There's no sabotage to their partnership not because Noel is afraid to defy someone a million times stronger than her, but because Noel wholeheartedly agrees with Ciel's choice to never recover and to pay blood for blood for the rest of her potentially eternal life. As long as Ciel stays Ciel, Noel's vengefulness is directed solely at Roa. But then Shiki enters Ciel's life bringing with him semblances of normal happiness. The murder machine began to regain emotions. And to Noel, that's a problem.

So part of this is you know, buying church propaganda. Ciel and Noel are both victims of the same church that does not heal or save people, and only doles out punishments on the guilty.

Part of this is an interesting twist that adds complexity to Noel's character, because like she could blame Ciel for the massacre like the church does, and like Ciel does herself, but as you point out Noel clearly wrestles with that. Noel feels a mix of envy for a twisted respect, one could even say love for Ciel's strength. Noel shows a much more nuanced reaction to Roa wearing Ciel's face and killing her entire family and torturing her for days on end, when she could take the church's approach, or even Ciel's approach towards Shiki. Noel even talks about at length how her and Ciel used to bond together by talking at night about how they were going to get revenge for everyone who died that day. Noel can't just see Ciel as the villain who took everything away from her, because they are the only two survivors of the massacre.

As you said there's no sabotage to their partnership, because despite Noel being the most petty bitch ever she never does anything to hurt or betray Ciel. The reason their partnership falls apart is entirely Ciel's fault. Sure, Noel was dancing on the edge of a cliff and not the most stable person to begin with, but it's Ciel's actions that push her off that cliff.

Not only does Noel drive thwart Ciel's recovery, she also makes Ciel look like a terrible person. Because, Ciel is a terrible person. In the same route where Shiki constantly lovebombs Ciel and constantly talks about all her good traits and what a hero she is, and Ciel gets several very cool action scenes making her look like a cool vampire slayer, we also witness to Noel's soul and heartcrushing downward spiral that is caused in part by Ciel kind of not really giving a shit about Noel's feelings. Noel's downfall could have been stopped at any point by Ciel simply lifting a finger, or just noticing her partner's obvious distres but instead what Ciel does is Noel completely out of the loop (like not telling Noel that she was waiting for Roa to reveal himself before attacking Shiki) .

Like, the scene where Noel turns into a vampire is directly caused by Ciel's actions. Noel reveals to Shiki that he's currently possessed by Roa. Ciel stands up for Shiki, in what we think is Ciel not wanting to believe that Shiki is possessed by Roa. However, what we learn instead is that Ciel only approached Shiki in the first place because she assumed he would be Roa's first target, and has been keeping by his side constantly waiting for Roa to appear so she can murk him.

So, all Ciel needed to do was TELL NOEL that she was playing the long game and ask Noel to wait a little longer before showing their hand, but apparently basic communication with her partner is too much effort for Ciel.

This leads into a scenario where not only does Noel think Ciel has broken their partnership (i mean she kinda has) but Ciel directly injures Noel pretty badly and leaves her alone. When Arach shows up to prey upon Noel, Noel can't even fight back by that point. Arach is the bus that hit Noel, but Ciel sure did throw Noel under that bus for no real reason.

I mean there is a story reason - it shows that Ciel may be an instrument of justice but she doesn't save people, in fact she does not give two figs about whether or not people are saved by her actions. Ciel obsessively hunting vampires, is not really that far off from Noel torturing vampires for her own sense of petty vengeance. However, Ciel hunts vampires offscreen so we as an audience don't see really the way, she treats the vampires she kills, but from the way she both foils Noel and also the sadistic way she draws out killing Shiki possessed by Roa as long as possible you can infer that she's not all too different from Noel. That's good actually, that Ciel seems like a good heroic person, but if you squint at her she's not much better than Noel, because like that's the entire point of her character the good, altruistic senpai never existed in the first place. All of Ciel's words about atonement and forgiveness are empty platitudes, just her regurgitating the words the church fed to her.

So finally to conclude, we have the culmination of the moebius strip, where Noel the apparent opposite of Ciel, slowly morphs into Ciel. Noel's flaws in a narrative sense led to her downfall, but let's be clear Noel had no fucking agency in her transformation into a vampire. She was hysterically begging for Arach not to do it. She was pinned and helpless to escape when it happened. It is Arach and Ciel's fault what happened to her.

Noel does make choices, but her choice amounts to not immediately killing herself the moment she became a vampire. She does take like 500 shots to become an ubervamp, but like, the story clearly states that once people become vampires their moralities and personalities are radically altered. So if that's a choice it's an influenced choice.

Therefore the only choice in that moment Noel is truly responsible for is not killing herself while she was still lucid. Irony upon ironies because that's exactly what she yells at vampires to do, bow down and let their heads be cut off by the executors. However, if Noel is guilty for not immediately offing herself, so is Ciel, so is Shiki. Both of these characters get saved while Noel gets old yeller'd. This is unfair and also, you guessed it, the point. Ciels revenge against vampires accomplishes nothing. Noel giving up her humanity for the shot at revenge against Ciel accomplishes nothing. It's almost like revenge doesn't heal, it just puts more pain and misery into the world. No one is saved by revenge.

Noel is fridged for Ciel's arc, and neither Ciel nor Shiki ultimately save her even though she's not all that responsible for her own downfall. This is not the narrative playing good victim and bad victim. If anything it makes Ciel look way worse as a person. The narrative even goes out of its way to say that both Ciel and Noel have a right to their revenge and in a situation like this the winner wasn't determined by who was right but who's stronger. Ciel has no moral high ground she just happens to be stronger, that's it. She doesn't take the higher road with Noel even after Shiki went to such great length to try to reach her emotionally and tell her she was still human, no Ciel makes no attempt to talk to Noel or take a third route she just murks her.

Noel is my favorite character for this route probably second favoeite overall behind Kohaku and I one hundred percent agree with fridging her, because it makes Ciel's character a hundred times better by giving her consequences for her flaws. It's one thing for Ciel to break down crying about how much she hates herself for being a cold merciless machine. It's another thing to have this demonstrated by Ciel letting her partner fall to the wayside by just not giving a shit about anyone's feelings or anything except for her personal quest against vampires.

Noel is a victim of the cycle of revenge, a pointless and harmful cycle. In a story that's thoroughly anti revenge as evidenced in the true end of hisuis route where Kohaku having achieved absolute perfect revenge and having her plan gone entirely right, takes a knife and gouges out her own heart with it. If that's not on the nose I don't know what is.

Its poignant comun that you told me that Nasu stated there's no good ending to Ciel's routes just a normal and a true because a good ending would have saved Noel. It might look like Ciel got off scott free but if you look at it, by killing Noel and denying Noel the chance at salvation Ciel damns herself too. Ciel has not escaped the cycle in the true ending, she's still hunting vampires at the behest of the church the only real change is she has a boyfriend now. I'd compare it to the ending of UBW vs Heavens Feel. In one Shirou has Rin's support but it's implied he'll eventually leave Rin anyway and become Archer, he just won't regret saving people as Archer did. He has not escaped the self destructive cycle. Whereas in Heaven's Feel, Shiro dies and is reborn and has to you know live as a person from now on.

Ciel did not end the cycle, she perpetuated it by killing Noel. You don't end the cycle of revenge with more revenge. Since Ciel did not end it she's still trapped in the cycle herself, and she still has support in the form of Shiki but the cycle will probably consume her the way it eventually consumed Shirou. She even broke out what was essentially the UBW with black keys when fighting against Vlov. It's just like that one post on Twitter said every few years or so someone reinvent the unlimited blade works!

[hermes-obsessed]

I've heard you need some inspo for Hermes fics

My favourite Reader is gender neutral asexual.

I have a small list of scenarios:

First flight together

The first argument between Hermes and Reader, and the apology of course

Furious/Protective!Hermes would be cool, he's depicted a lot as a goofy sweet guy (he is), but seeing him in serious/fighting situations? Awesome!

Hermes offering immortality to Reader

Hermes having a no-good, absolutely terrible day and Reader comforts him

Reader gets to hold/use Caduseus and meets the 2 snakes on it (cute snek interaction follows)

Reader first preening Hermes' wings (very sensitive)

I'm fully okay with you taking your time with writing, art can't be rushed after all.

I just wanted to share my silly little thoughts 💜

“Dangerous Fun.”

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Hermes x GN Worshipper!Reader

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Worshipping a god isn't easy, especially when it comes to figuring out what to offer these gods at their shrines. You were a worshipper of the messenger of gods. Out of all the higher beings, you could say Hermes was one of the more active ones when interacting with the moral realm. He constantly plays around with us humans, teasing and scaring us- well, those who don't worship him.

When you first began worshipping Hermes, it was quite difficult to figure out what precisely the god wanted from you. In the end, you found out that the gift itself didn't matter; what mattered was the way it was obtained. He did favor thieves; as it was known that he is one himself.

Today wasn't any different from your regular schedule. You finish your daily tasks and visit Hermes's shrine like any other day. It has been a while since you last visited, so when you reached the shrine, only to find it tattered and run down, it caught you off by surprise.

Who could have done such a thing? To a god's sacred place no less! The disrespect! You huffed to yourself and decided to do the place a favor by fixing it up. By the end of your cleaning session, it was practically spotless! But unfortunately, you could see why it was trashed; the god was known to support thieves, so of course the general public would disapprove of such things.

It was natural- though regardless, that didn't make it any better. Hermes was still a god. Gods hold power; they should be respected no matter what. You hummed then kneeled down to the marble floors to give your offering under his statue.

You began to hear hushed whispers. Your eyes snapped open as you stood up warily, looking around for the source of the voice. You hear the sounds of giggles coming from all around you.

“Who goes there?!”

“With how much time you spend here, you can't even make a guess?”

The voice revealed itself rather easily, as if the person was eager to meet you. And it was none other than the messenger of gods himself, Hermes. You stood there frozen; this was once in a lifetime opportunity and experience to be able to meet the god you’ve been worshipping!!

Gods rarely interact with the mortal realm anymore as is, so this truly was a miracle. You gawk at him and then gasp as he comes closer. He then pats your head, and you blink at him in slightly embarrassed as he thanked you for fixing up his shrine.

But what he didn’t know was that you were also gawking at the fact he had wings. In all of the stories you’ve been told, it’s only ever been wings on his helmet and sandals, never on his back. They were beautiful, absolutely drop dead gorgeous in your eyes. You spoke up, breathless from the sight in front of you.

“Oh wow…”

He then took notice you were looking at his wings. He then turned smug and immediately started boasting about them while also mentioning why he was here.

“Mortals always seem to be fascinated by the littlest of things. You fixed my shrine, and you’re a loyal devotee. I would say that deserves a reward, don’t you think?”

A reward? Having the chance to get anything you want right here and now by a god that can simply spawn anything in? To anyone else, that would be absolutely a one-in-a-lifetime miracle. But unfortunately, you didn’t want anything right now. You were quite satisfied with the life you were living. You wouldn’t change or ask for anything to change it.

“Oh, um…but I don’t want anything? I'm quite fine with how I live; there's not much I would change.”

“You don’t want anything? Riches? Food? Better health?”

He raised his eyebrows at you, not believing your words for one second. Maybe you were just playing around with him, keeping him on his toes. But the more he stared at you, the more he realized you were very serious about your answer. What a strange mortal!

You shrugged at him, but you were a little distracted by his wings, which were still on display for you to see. He then snapped his fingers and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. You stiffened and looked at him, confused. He grinned at you.

“How about a once-in-a-lifetime experience of flight! A way to see the world from a view you've never seen before? Isn't that convincing enough for you to want to soar the skies?”

Now that piqued your interest. Being able to fly in the sky, mortals were never able to do that. You’ll be the first to fly! You then smiled and nodded your head at him as he enthusiastically stood there waiting for you.

“Well, then grab on!”

.

.

.

The process for flying wasn’t as safe as you wanted it to be. You would have imagined that we would give you wings or something with that godly magic. But apparently, he was just going to hoist you in his arms as he flew in the sky, as if that was cautious enough. That’s a scary thought. Even though he was a god, he cared enough not to drop you, didn't he?

Of course he does! But when he hoisted you up into his arms so loosely, you began to doubt yourself. So, you wrapped your arms around his neck…for safety measures...

“Touchy, are we, darling?”

He teased, you huffed and rolled your eyes at him as you shifted in his arms. This definitely wasn’t safe; your nerves started to grow more as he flapped his wings to get up from the ground. He was floating, not enough to completely scare you, but enough to make you start worrying about how the actual flight may go.

Especially with the fact that his grip on you wasn’t the tightest. Once you were both in the air, you clung to him with a frightful tone.

“Are you sure this is safe?!?!”

“Eh, not quite! You’ll be fine, though!”

You were not fine with the way this man was flying in the air. He has absolutely no care about your safety, or he does and is purposely torturing you. Either way, he was hazardously flying between trees, then up into the sky, and then back down.

You were feeling nauseous and sick- perhaps this was going to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience!!

“Lord Hermes…this is rather dangerous, isn’t it? I feel sick to my stomach.”

You sighed in relief as he slowed down in the air. He huffed in annoyance. Maybe he thought of you as someone who would rather sit in boredom than have fun now.

“Yes, it’s dangerous, that’s why it’s fun!”

He then flapped his wings and went back in the air, this time a bit more smoothly than before. You finally actually got to enjoy the scenery from above and it was gorgeous, breathtaking even.

You could see the tops of trees and large forests, meadows and crops, and the townspeople bustling up and down through town; people looked like ants from up here in the sky. It was a unique experience, a new perspective you would never have thought you would get the chance to see if it weren't for Hermes offering it in the first place.

While you were taking in the scenery, he was humming a tune while holding you tight. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all; you began to enjoy your time with him, soaring up in the sky. You close your eyes and let out a sigh, a smile gracing your lips as you let the wind blow through your hair.

Not bad, not bad at all…for a first flight.

.

.

.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ Advertisement: Hey you! Yeah you, the person who read this whole fic, do you like Hermes? Well, this blog is THE place for Hermes fanfiction. Check my bio if I have requests open.

A/N: Omg, I finished it. CREDITS TO @snorkelborg for being my editor. Trust and believe that the first draft was rough! So many grammatical errors, and for those who have seen my other posts...I did not have them as my editor at that time...you may be able to tell. Shhh, I may have gone back and edited those a few times to my taste, at least!

Word Count: 1,294 words

[himluv]

I agree with you on the Solavellan ending. I love the angst and tragedy and I'm eating the idea of Solas and Lavellan having a lot to unpack once in the fade. Dramatic confrontations, tears, breakdowns and a slow road to forgiveness,. Delicious food. But I'm really annoyed with a portion of the fandom that seems to just gloss over the fact that Solas killed Varric, someone who was always kind to Lavellan and was even her friend. And even if you don't like Varric personally he is in canon a relatively decent person who tried to reach out to Solas on a compassionate level. Then he used a blood magic puppet of him to manipulate Rook... IDK the way that seems to mean little to nothing to a lot of Solavellans kind of bothers me. I'm not here to tell anyone how they can or can't play but the takes have been so bad. The infantilization, excuses and woobification of our boy are so egregious. Solas is complex and morally gray. Why would we be going through the effort of redeeming him if he wasn't doing things that would require redemption in the first place? I've felt really disconnected from the rest of the fandom because of all of the softening of his character people have been doing and it's refreshing to hear a take from someone who loves Solas but doesn't want to defang him.

Thanks for this thoughtful reply to this post! Sorry this took awhile, but I've been thinking of what I wanted to say. Long and spoiler-riddled reply below, and I don't even know how relevant it is to your reply, Nonny. Sorry!

I think A Lot of folks have spent the last 10 years rotating him in their heads like one throws a clay pot, molding him into something he could be based on what we knew about him. But, we didn't necessarily account for the other forms he could take. And some folks are very resistant to who he's canonically become by Veilguard. Because it's not a good form, he got Worse™ in his decade away from friends and love (shocker!), and it's hard to reconcile this version of him with the ones we may have made.

I get all of that. But I also LOVE that. It means he could still surprise me, and I got to experience this weird duality of love/hate I didn't expect to feel toward him. I got to see his lies in real time, know he was lying because I KNOW HIM, and go, "oh, you little shit (affectionate)". Like, that's just FUN! Which, last time I checked was in fact the point of video games.

I love that he is unpredictable and dangerous in this game. That we finally see him go all out, and use every skill and trick he has. That is THRILLING, especially because he's more dangerous and lethal and ruthless than I personally expected. Which... Is my fault. I should have expected it, because look what he did to Felassan. Look how he so easily killed all those Qunari in Trespasser. Look what he did with those spirits of chaos and disruption. Look what he did to the Titans! I should have known better, the games and books showed me time and again what he was capable of. I just didn't want to believe it.

I've seen some posts talking about how Lavellan approaches Solas at the very last confrontation. How carefully she goes up the stairs towards him. I've seen several interpretations of it, but there's one I haven't seen (which could be because I'm not hanging out in the Solavellan tag much these days).

She takes those stairs slowly, as if approaching a spooked horse, because the last time someone climbed a set of stairs to talk him down from his ritual, he killed them. And I don't think for one second Lavellan believes, if she handles this poorly, he won't do the same to her.

And I think she is 100% right. He would, perhaps on "accident" as he claims to Neve was the case with Varric (debatable - seemed pretty intentional if maybe a bit impulsive from here). But I firmly believe there is a world where Solas would stab his vhenan if he had to and certain conditions hadn't been met (and yes that would utterly destroy him).

She walks up those stairs to him, her vhenan, knowing this is it. Their final stand. She will save him from himself, whatever it takes, and she is prepared to die at his hands if it comes to that. And it so easily COULD HAVE.

I don't know. I just think that Veilguard gave us SO MUCH more insight into Solas and there's so much there to chew on. I think we're going to be able to go back through all the games and codices and so many little details are going to fit together and complete a puzzle we didn't even know we were making.

After all of this, I still have so much to think on 😂. I'm going to be living in Thedas for another decade at this rate!

Good. I don't ever want to leave.

[siriuslysapphicmoony]

First dance — word count: 809

tw: references to period typical homophobia

@wolfstarmicrofic

Sirius is the person who cries the most at the Potters’ wedding. More than Euphemia, more than Lily’s mum, more than Mary, even more than James.

And yes, it’s because they're perfect for each other, it's because they're so happy they're glowing, it's because there’s a war going on and this is a very much needed reminder that good things exist as well.

Sirius is sobbing because of all of that, but there's also the other reason. The one he can't even fathom saying out loud.

See, the moment his sobs are at their worst is not when his sight is on the happy couple. Sirius sobs the hardest each time his gaze finds Remus.

It's a kind of sorrow that is hard to describe, that one can only understand if they experience it themselves.

It's that excruciating, all consuming longing, of craving the same thing for himself and the person that is currently sniffing at his side, trying his hardest to hold back tears.

It's that harrowing, loud void that had taken place in his chest the moment he had realised (when James had proposed to Lily) that the only reason he had ever thought he hated the mere concept of marriage had been because of what it meant for his family. It's the sudden, startling realisation that he would absolutely love the idea of marriage if it was something he could have with the person currently standing by his side.

“Do not despair, sweetheart. He's just getting married, you're still his platonic soulmate.”

Remus’ joking attempt at soothing him sends him over the edge all over again and more sobs break through.

Great, now all those attending the wedding will know he's not as badass as he wants them to believe. How is he ever going to survive that?

“‘s not that,” he mumbles anyway between sniffs.

He feels Remus’ hand graze softly against his. Sirius grabs it like an anchor. Not caring about who might see, what might they think. He doesn't care. There's so much he isn't allowed. He at least gets to have this.

By the time the first dance comes around, Sirius has recovered just enough. He has fixed his eyeliner and he's determined not to cry anymore.

Then James and Lily step on the dancefloor, they swirl to their favourite song and Sirius is once again ruined.

He can't help the sob that escapes him. The unreasonable grief where there should only be joy for his friends.

His mind goes miles away. He imagines himself slow dancing with Remus, at their own wedding, at their own first dance, surrounded by their friends and families, celebrating their love. And he wants it. He craves it. Oh, he so desperately wants it.

Remus is at his side once again and this time he's the one silently reaching out, subtly embracing him, surely thinking he can pass it off as a friendly embrace.

“Are you alright, love?” he asks in his deep, concerned voice.

Sirius considers lying, but opts for the truth. He shakes his head meekly, another sob shaking him.

“I want this, Remus,” he confesses. “I hadn't fully realised it until today, but I want this. All of this. Marriage, a house, kids. I want the whole deal.”

Remus frowns a bit. “What are you saying…?” And damn, he looks scared now. He thinks Sirius wants to leave him for a traditional marriage.

“No, silly,” he sobs once more, a breathy laugh escaping him at the absurdity, a sad smile on his lips. “I don't mean it like that. I want it with you, but we aren't allowed and it's bloody destroying me.”

“Oh.”

It's almost comical to see all of the emotions that go through Remus' face. It goes from surprise, to adoration, to sadness and everything in between.

“I love you so much, Sirius,” he vows, gaze focused on him, the rest of the world forgotten. “Me too,” is what he says next. “I also want it all. With you.”

And that's the saddest thing, isn't it? They want the same thing for each other and yet they live in a world that won't let them have it. It's a crushing realisation. Discovering something you've known all along, but have never fully realised the whole weight of it, just how much it defines your life, that something someone has arbitrarily decided long ago has the power to determine the whole course of your lives. It's painful, it's unfair, it's soul-sucking, it's enraging, it's rubbish.

For how powerful his magic is, he feels completely powerless in front of the way the rest of the world sees their love. All he can do is hold on to Remus and silently promise himself that he'll do everything in his power to get them what so many couples have the luxury of taking for granted.

[octuscle]

I'm on a flight to Tokyo, and I'm definitely going to stand out amongst the locals... what should I do?

I always have the greatest respect for visits to Asian countries myself. So it's more than natural that you need support. I myself have had very good experiences with a preset that I am sending you. I recommend that you activate the preset as soon as possible, the transformation is set to last 12 hours.

Okay, it's exemplary that you had your cell phone in flight mode, so the message only reaches you after the plane is already on the tarmac on its way to the terminal. With your seatbelt still fastened, you activate the default setting. After the first few seconds, the first effect becomes apparent. The tension is gone. This is not the first time you have landed in Haneda. Only tourists and fools jump up and open the luggage compartments before the seatbelt signs have gone out. You are disciplined. Discipline is the only way to survive a juggernaut like Tokyo. You know that. The idiots around you don't.

You say goodbye to the person sitting next to you. You say goodbye to the flight crew when you leave the plane. In broken Japanese. You struggle with the language. Even though you've been learning it for over a year. At least you recognize a few of the characters at the airport. At least you can understand fragments of the conversations around you. And you know your way around the airport. Even if you're not the first to jump on, you're one of the first at the baggage carousel. It pays to have a Japanese ID card. Wait a minute! A Japanese ID card? Sure, you've been living here for years. Tokyo is your second home. Naturalization was only logical. You have a Japanese great-grandmother. That made it easier. You inherited your black hair from her.

You look at the people with the big suitcases with pity. They're either going to waste a fortune on cabs now. Or they'll have real problems on the train during rush hour. You've packed efficiently. And your advantage is that you stand out from the crowd. 190 cm… That makes you a giant in Japan. And a colossus at 120 kg. When you finally take the steps from the subway into the open air, the default setting has already been active for three hours. You walk the last few meters to your hotel. It's so nice to be back here. Yes, you actually live in London. But you spend as much time as you can in Tokyo for business and pleasure. For years now. You speak the language very well, you're up to date with all the fashions and gossip. And a regular guest here at the hotel. The concierge addresses you by name. You greet him back by name. Nevertheless, you exchange business cards. Tradition is tradition. The building trembles. A slight earthquake.You don't know how many earthquakes this is in your life. It's not even worth mentioning in your conversation.

Now a quick bowl of noodle soup. And then to the gym. You've spent too much time motionless on the plane and in the subway. You need action now. The feeling that your body has given its last. And then a hot bath and a massage. Your buddy at reception has already arranged everything. You just quickly take your luggage upstairs and get changed. And then you run down the stairs to the gym. The earth has just shaken a little again. The last thing you need now is to get stuck in the elevator.

Two hours later, when Atsushi presses his elbows into your back, all is right with the world again. Atsushi is a master of his trade. And you've known each other for ages. In fact, you played baseball in the same club as children before you moved to Europe with your parents. It was a real coincidence when you found each other on one of your visits here on Grindr. It's one of the biggest and hardest reasons why you're staying here at the hotel. Rarely have you experienced a better masseur who is both good for your back and offers a first-class happy ending. He stands behind you and massages your neck. And his hard-on sticks out in front of your face. Shit, if he doesn't suck you off right away, you'll cum without him laying a hand on you.

You two spend the evening at karaoke. Unfortunately, Asushi can't stay in your hotel room tonight. But he will take you upstairs. And you fuck him as a thank you. Asushi thanks you with a deep kiss goodbye. He says that your education in Europe has paid off. Nobody fucks like real Japanese men who learned to fuck in Paris. You grin. Well. An almost real Japanese man. Your one grandmother was English. You owe your blue eyes to her.

Get up, go to the gym, take a hot bath. That's how your next morning starts. Not easy with the jet lag. But you have to get back into the rhythm of the city of your ancestors quickly. The first meeting is at 07:30. Time is money. And life in Tokyo is not cheap. "それで、侍よ？よく眠れましたか？" Asushi sent a picture of his morning wood. You return the favor with a selfie, freshly showered. "よく眠れたよ！しかし、私には硬いものと柔らかいものがある。疲れ果てた夜に備えよ," you reply. "はい、侍よ！" You're looking forward to the end of the day!

[luckyluna888]

imagining the absence/end of something

i think this is the first post i've ever made on tumblr, lol. but i wanted to write about this. hopefully it reaches someone that may need it, because i don't really see a lot of people talking about it!

btw this is kind of long!

TLDR: i manifested the end of a complicated relationship with exactly my ideal outcome. focus on the feeling you want, even if you don't know exactly how to imagine or if you're doing it right. your inner self knows and everything will work itself out!

backstory

many people in this community want to manifest relationships, or specific people. when i started this journey at the end of last year, i was not one of those people.

i was the opposite. i was in a relationship, but not happy. and i was not convinced that i wanted to stay with the same person. i felt like it was time to move on, and i was very hurt by many things that had happened between us that i wasn't sure i could let go of.

but we had almost been in a relationship for four years. my entire college experience was wrapped up with this person. it had been a long time since i had known life without him.

it was easier because we were long-distance. but the relationship weighed heavily on my mind. it stressed me out, because i no longer wanted to invest effort into it and i knew that i was hurting him by not trying, even though he had hurt me before.

needless to say, things were complicated. i was hearing from every loa blog, "believe they've texted you!" "believe you're in a relationship with your SP!" but i didn't want a text. i didn't want a relationship. i wondered how i was supposed to imagine the absence of something in my life. my friends were even pressuring me to take "action" and break up with him myself.

but as i listened to more and more edward art, i knew that taking "action" would not make things better. i knew that if i did that without changing my inner world, the end of our relationship could blow up painfully, and i knew that i was going to have to see this person again since we had the same friends in college. also, i didn't hate him. i genuinely had love for him and felt like we would be good friends, but that our romantic relationship wasn't working. i wanted to be free. and if possible, i wanted to stay amicable and friendly with him.

the process

but how to do this? i even thought about reaching out to some random loa blog on tumblr and asking. what was the right way? i wondered if i should imagine myself in a relationship with a new person, like neville did to get a divorce from his wife so he could be with the woman he loved, or if i should imagine me and this person interacting as strictly friends, or if i should try to revise my entire college experience.

but really, i didn't want any of those things. when i questioned myself, i didn't want to be in a relationship. i wanted to be single. i wanted to be free. i didn't want to have to answer to anyone else. and i didn't want to forget about my whole college experience (although i am not attached to it anymore).

so i felt the feeling of being free. sometimes before going to sleep i would imagine my fun little scenarios being with another person, and sometimes i would imagine friendly vibes between us during the day, because i wasn't really sure what the right way was. but even though i didn't know, i just kept persisting in the feeling of being free and relief that i didn't have to worry about our relationship anymore. looking back now, i realize it didn't even matter what "perfect" scenarios i was imagining. i was actually just cultivating this belief that things had worked (in imagination) and would work themselves out (in the 3D).

a few times, i would imagine this person looking at me and saying, "i want to break up," because i thought that was what i wanted, for him to break up with me so i wasn't the "villain." but then i realized that wasn't the end. i was trying to control the "how." but that's not my job. my job is to focus on feeling free.

handling doubts

but if this all sounds like i was doing everything perfectly, trust me, i wasn't. every single day i would feel some anxiety wondering when he would text me and feeling preemptively guilty that i wasn't going to respond. sometimes i would feel ashamed that i was even waiting and "trying" to manifest a breakup when i could just call this person up and say "I'm breaking up with you." but that was what i wanted. i wanted our relationship to be over without me having to take external action. i didn't want to be the villain. i didn’t want to risk my college friendships, which were so tied up in him. no matter how many times my friends or my mom would ask me about my relationship and when it would end, i would just tell them whatever and in my head, i would know that things would be okay. when i would feel anxiety or shame, i would recognize it, and then remind myself that the outcome was already done. my consciousness was already free. nothing else was my concern. and i would feel better, relieved. i felt free and emancipated in myself. sometimes if i was really stressed, i would rant or journal. and sometimes the feeling of relief didn't come instantly, but i would take some deep breaths and remind myself that the 3D was just reflecting my past assumptions. i think the most important thing is spending the majority of your day feeling what you want, and not letting emotions pile up in you. also remember that you're not your body and bodily manifestations of emotions don't mean anything. feeling anxiety is not an objective fact. you have the ability to calm yourself down, and the bodily sensations will pass.

when it manifested

it happened in the 3D when he called me one night and i actually hung up on him, lol. but then, as if i was possessed, i called him back. and somehow, things started coming up that we hadn't voiced in months. we were slowly bringing up things about our relationship that bothered us. it was a tough conversation at first.

but at some point, the conversation turned and he proceeded to say every single thing that i had been thinking for the past few months: that we should "part ways" but still be friends.

i was shocked because this understanding from him did not seem possible, at ALL. that might sound like exaggeration but it is not. i was not expecting him to take the end of our relationship well, and you would not either if you knew the full story LOL. but the thing that convinced me that this was the result of my conscious manifestation, was the fact that he said words i had literally thought verbatim in my head. and that he took it so well. he said that he wanted to be friends, and that he would still text me, but i didn't have to respond. so, literally, NO pressure on my end.

in a way i was surprised at HOW the ending of our four year long relationship came about. when i took his call, i had no intention of ending our relationship right then. but something kept me on the phone, because i guess, subconsciously, i had a knowing that things would work themselves out and that everything would be in service of that, even though the initial part of our conversation was very difficult. but i wasn't surprised after it happened. more stunned that everything had gone exactly my way.

conclusion!

the point of all of this is that, even if you don't know HOW to imagine something or if you're "doing it right," as long as you focus on the end feeling of what you want, there is no way things will go wrong. it's the law and your I AM is what is manifesting in your life. even if you are manifesting the absence of something in your life, you shouldn't be thinking in terms of i am NOT. i am NOT in a relationship. no! what do you want? what do you want to run towards? i am free. i think this worked for me because the feeling of freedom was what i truly desired, no matter how weird it might sound to someone else. i was sick of feeling trapped and had to overcome the habit of feeling like a victim of my situation. i started feeling relief, as if things had already worked out in the 3D.

your outer self may question, rationalize, doubt, or try to reason, but your inner self knows only faith and feeling. don't listen to the thoughts of your outer self. let them pass by without engaging in them. your outer self is not you. surrender to your inner self and have faith! it will work! even if it seems impossible. even if you think you might be doing it wrong. you're NOT. you're not. you're powerful and you have all the answers. don't question yourself. and isn't feeling lovely things much better than feeling the way you have been feeling, anyways? isn't it better to feel love for your life, feel like everything is working out for you, and has worked out for you? if something happens in the 3D that you don't like, you don't have to accept it. if there's things you need to take care of in the 3D still, give it the bare minimum externally, but don't give it your feeling. rant to get your emotions out if you need. everything will be fine. nothing has the power to stop your manifestations except YOU.

[bringcal]

This was inspired due to wolfertinger666's post I've just reblogged, and will be a long one, but bare with me here.

I been on the internet like way too long and too young for my age, and I never understood spreading callouts. I don't think I ever have in my life. Before I even understood them as a tool used to socially kill trans people and push an agenda of anti-queerness, I always just thought the contents tended to be stupid, and vast majority of callouts often like to use different manipulation and deception tactics that the average person can easily be manipulated by. I think most abuse survivors can agree with me here that they have at least seen one callout in their lives where they have read and easily recognized what the person spreading the callout was doing was emotional manipulation.

I have always been that person who reaches out to the person subject of the callout to help them, and I've always been disgusted in the anti-critical thinking and pro-harassment sentiments surrounding callouts, because those are the exact same things that I've been subject to after being in an abusive relationship online.

When I talk to people victims of callouts, they often have the same fears as I do due to me being in an abusive relationship: Paranoia people are stalking you, not feeling safe to share anything, having to change identities to get away from the harassment, etc. And thats because people who make callouts and create harassment mobs use the same abuse tactics. I had to delete all my accounts, change names, interests, and stay off the internet for months to try and get away from my abuser, because he would stalk me and get others to do the same, and convinced everyone that I was the one being shitty. I stayed paranoid, and sometimes still do, that I will be "found" and messaged again even though its been 6 years since we broke up.

When you have experience yourself in this sort of thing, you realize people who change their identities to get away from callouts aren't trying to "get away" due to nefarious reasons. they just want to live and grow, they want an actual support system and to be better, and never consented to their faults being publicized, and a lot of the time their faults being put on them have never even happened, or are blown out of proportion. It started to click when you realize callouts often try their best to dehumanize the person at hand, and really try to hammer in the " born inherently evil" or "too far gone" point to get people to socially outcast their victims. It often works even with people who would normally be against that sort of thing, I notice a lot of people end up deleting the callout they helped spread later saying they don't actually care or realize how ridiculous the op is being, without realizing the op still got what they wanted. Callouts only spread if theyre able to get you to that " reactionary " level of emotion to manipulate you to just doing anything.

People don't realize that the thing theyre doing actually has lasting effects on the other person. The thing you reblog that you care about for 2 days and then forget will follow the other person forever, because TERFs and Kiwifarms motherfuckers are a different breed of passionate for harassment. My IRL bestfriend I've known for a decade has a girlfriend who made a joke 6 years ago that went viral that everyone took seriously and she still, to this day, gets messages harassing her. The joke wasnt even offensive or directed at anyone, people literally just hated her because she was a communist.

So anyways, I don't like callout posts and neither should you. Make no exception. Literally just keep it to yourself and gossip with friends. Reactionary harassment campaigns do nothing. You're one "fuck up" or one "walking into the wrong person" to getting one yourself. Don't allow callout makers to turn your brain off.

[blueishspace]

Looped Sun 12

Loop #380

Mumbo: Ok, it is done!

Scar: What is- WHAT IS THAT!?!

Grian: Is that why you needed the power stone?

Mumbo: It sure is mate. I present to you the new and improved powers stone powered Buttercups mech.

Grian: It's great!

Mumbo: Doc stands no chance against it!

Scar: Wooho! big and large! My favorite combo!

Mumbo: ... U-uh. R-right moving on.

Scar: What!?

Loop #383

Scott: Thomas sanders, right?

Thomas: Yeah? A looper right? Whose place did you take?

Scott: Oh right right, I'll be your Creativity for this loop.

Thomas: Oh... can you tell me why my friends had animal features this time around?

Scott: Oh that is a thing from our loop that seems to have carried over.

Thomas: ... Wait...Ours?

Scott: Right! Morality!

Jimmy: Hello! First fused loop for me so I'm a bit nervous... Why didn't you just call me by name though.

Scott: Easiest way to introduce your role. Next, Logic!

Mumbo: H-here! I uh... I really should have been anxiety though.

Jimmy: Eh, I see it. You are like, really smart Mumbo.

Mumbo: Oh... thanks.

Scott: Well, since you mentioned her, Anxiety!

Pearl: Hello mate.

Thomas: My anxiety being australian I didn't expect.

Pearl: Yeah... did you know about this australian spider that can kill you and is basically impossible to see?

Thomas: This is going terribly.

Jimmy: Listen It's not that bad, right?

Thomas: ...

Scott: It is pretty bad... Thomas' sides are all fragments of his personality but we aren't...we are complex people It's difficult to do their job.

Thomas: ...

Scott: Take me, sure I'm colorful and creative and prideful and all about that jazz but I'm also rational. I can't give Thomas the same delusional and completely fantastical type of pure creativity and imagination that he needs.

Jimmy: Well I think I'm doing a good job as morality!

Thomas: You are It's just...

Scott: You are also prideful and get weird when you feel insulted so your flavour. morality is too emotional, you also aren't used to killing being a bad thing as the life series has multiple respawns and Empires has infinite which means that the most basic morals of don't kill and don't steal don't really come to you naturally.

Jimmy: O-oh... well, I'm trying.

Scott: And Mumbo?

Mumbo: Y-yeah?

Scott: I mean it in the nicest way...Logic is supposed to reign Anxiety in, not akwardly stutter whenever Pearl makes a point.

Pearl: What can I say, I'm right.

Scott: And Pearl, I know you are having fun with this but you are treapassing into intrusive thoughts territories way too often.

Pearl: Do I? I'm sorry mate, I didn't mean to.

Thomas: It's...it's fine, I understand It's hard I just-

Mumbo: U-uh can I say something?

Thomas: Y-yeah?

Mumbo: Uh...you do know Scott scottish accent is not really that strong right?

Scott?: ... Frick... Well, I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Thomas: Huh!?

Grian: Hello Thomas, I just couldn't stay back while...this happened.

Pearl: G! You cunt! You didn't tell us you were here!

Grian: Sorry, sorry, just wanted to keep the surprise a surprise.

Mumbo: Grian!? You are here!

Grian: Sure thing Mumbo.

Thomas: How did I not-

Grian: What can I say? I'm a looper, I'm really good at lying. Now, I have a few ideas to fix these issues.

Thomas: Ok, ok this is fine Scott I need some ideas for the video-

Scott: Already on it! Are you-

Scar: Have you ever tought about tasting human flesh? I heard and totally have no experience with it that it tastes like pig.

Thomas: What!? No!

Pearl: Scar!?! Grian, did you know about him being here too!?

Grian: Yep, sure thing.

Pearl: And you didn't say anything.

Grian: Funnier this way.

Scar: Ok, ok, what if you stole a bone from a grave and sold it to one of their family members!

Thomas: Nooo!

Scar: Hm...

Scott: Got anything else?

Scar: ... Uh...murder?

Thomas: Not happening.

Loop #387

Jimmy had known about this type of loop from Grian, still waking up with healing powers and stuck in a tower was a lot. Still Grian said he just needed to reach the castle, reunite with this loop's version of his parents and get mother gothel apprehended. Which he did, in record time he might add which meant he was surprised when the loop didn't finish immediately when Grian said it would. It lasted a while more actually, he even got a special guard-

Jimmy: Pearl!?

Pearl: Jimmy!?! Of course you are taking Rapunzel's place.

Jimmy: You are my guard now?

Pearl: Yeah, It's my sworn duty to protect you.

Jimmy: So... why did the loop not end?

Pearl: This is the extended version of the loop mate.

Jimmy: Oh. Oh! Ohhhh.

Pearl: ...

Jimmy: I don't know anything about it.

Pearl: Oh right, well... follow my lead, mate and you'll be good.

Jimmy: Ok!

Jimmy: That's...different from the healing incantation.

Pearl: Yeah, don't read it.

Jimmy: What why not?

Pearl: It's not going to be good.

Jimmy: Well now I want to read it!

Pearl: Jimmy no-

Jimmy: Wither and decay... see nothing bad.

Pearl: Don't the words not make you think about it!?!

Jimmy: Hmm... End this destiny... no! Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: Ok then, I'm just going to wait here to tell you I told you so.

Jimmy: Nothing is happening. Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: Guess It's happening.

Jimmy: Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free. Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: ...fuck.

Jimmy: The moonstone? It's pretty.

Pearl: Yeah.

Jimmy: So do I just grab it?

Pearl: About that, plans have changed.

Jimmy: Uh?

Pearl: Listen, I'm the PearleascentMOON, I have a bit of a thing going on.

Jimmy: Don't -

And then light enveloped the room.

Jimmy: I can't believe you tricked me for the bit!

Pearl: Oh C'mon, it was funny.

Jimmy: ... Power of the sun, gift me with your light-

Pearl: And that's my cue to go.

Loop #393

Jimmy: Wait, why did I get Mabel's place and you Dipper!?

Pearl: You tell me mate.

Jimmy: You know what? I don't care. This is going to be great anyway.

Pearl: You do know what happens in gravity fall, right?

Jimmy: Not really! Just the basics!

Pearl: ... Right. Don't get your hopes up too high.

Jimmy: Wait, what happens!?

Pearl: ...

Jimmy: I hate gnomes.

Pearl: Big L.

Jimmy: Not even king! Queen! They tried to make me wear a dress!

Pearl: Nothing wrong with a dress.

Jimmy: There is when I'm forced into it by small creepy men.

Jimmy: How do people deal with so much...this!?!

Pearl: Probably used to it, they live here. It would be weirder if they didn't.

Jimmy: I- I guess!? You know what, I'm going to make more sweaters.

Jimmy: Oh, we can't just leave Pacifica there all alone.

Pearl: But she's a-

Jimmy: You said she gets better though.

Pearl: ... Yeah but-

Jimmy: Pacifica! Do you want a ride?

Gideon: EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB!

Grian: Oh It's nice to be here! You must be Gideon then?

Gideon: What are- How do you know my name?

Grian: Oh, I know lots of things. Lots of things.

Jimmy: Grian!?!

Grian: Hey there Timmy, I told Pearl this would happen eventually.

Jimmy: Why are you talking to me?

Grian: Well, it is near the time when the puppet show happens, you just didn't make them.

Jimmy: ...What?

Grian: Doesn't matter, at this point Bill would posses Dipper but I don't really want to posses Pearl, a bit unconfortable for me.

Jimmy: I'm not letting you posses me G.

Grian: Oh C'mon, it would be funny!

Jimmy: Why do even want to?

Grian: The nightmare realm is just so boooring. I promise I won't embarass you.

Jimmy: ...I want control at least 75% of the time.

Grian: no way, 50%.

Jimmy: 70%.

Grian: ... 60%.

Jimmy: ... Fine.

Grian: It's a deal then?

Jimmy: Yes.

Pearl: Grian you-

Grian: What? I didn't do anything!

Pearl: You caused Weirdmageddon!?!

Grian: Oh come on, It's so much tamer then canon, i'd call it Tamemageddon even.

Pearl: Grian.

Grian: I even turned infinte respawns AND keep inventory on.

Pearl: Grian.

Grian: Look at Timmy, he's having a blast! Aaaand I know for sure someone wants to pratice using the moonstone and chaos magic together.

Pearl: ...

Grian: I'm not going to hurt anyone Pearl, this is all innocent fun.

Pearl: ... Fine.

Prev Next First

[milogreer]

the thing about morgan and obscura is that i want obscura to feel like the most treasured person on earth and i know he would treat them that way. because for all that morgan is guiding them through learning how to live with their sight, obscura is the one leading the dance - they choose the time/place, they set the pace, and he meets them exactly where they're comfortable. a real slow burn with them would be so rewarding and i want it so badlyyy

i've talked before about the intimacy of "time is a song" and i am not an essay writer, i am a rambler, so if this is repeating points from that post, that's life! i just wanna talk about them again, more so this time in the context of "consulting with a seer" and how morgan sets the tone for their following relationship right off the bat

You don’t have to answer any of my questions, you don’t have to ask any of your own, this meeting is what you want it to be. But—you’re the one who reached out to the Department. Not the other way around. Clearly you wanted… something. No one’s keeping you here, you can leave at any time, you can tell the Department to go kick rocks and never speak to them again. But you’re the one who asked to meet with another Seer. And now you’re saying… nothing. Is it me? The Department asked that I be the one to speak with you given that we’re the only two Seer Obscura in existence right now, but if anything about me personally is offputting, I’ll gladly ask that a different Seer be the one to help you. Getting you whatever support you’re looking for is the only goal of all this. If someone else would do that better, then that’s what I want for you.

the consistent reassurance that obscura can dip whenever they want to. like from minute one his top priority is making sure they're as comfortable as possible because he knows the anxiety that comes with being a seer obscura

To be Obscura is incredibly rare. To be a Seer Obscura is unheard of. The chance of you or I existing at all is infinitesimal. The chance of us existing at the same time is unfathomable. But we're here.

it's hard to even find the words for how this makes me feel LMFAO it's .... it's the inherent soulmateism of being the only two people alive experiencing the same thing. and the fact that it involves someone who maybe not even necessarily believes in "fate" if i'm understanding ?? like he hates the term "Known Outcome" because he doesn't believe the future is fixed and totally knowable, but he acknowledges how insane it is that they've been brought together despite the chance of it being literally unheard of. ykwim. am i talking nonsense

You and I have a unique circumstance that we face. One that no one else can really understand. [...] It’s just you and me. That said, nothing about that fact is an obligation. Being the only two Seer Obscura doesn’t mean we need to be friends, or even have a relationship at all. It’s your life to live as you choose. If you want guidance, understanding of a shared experience, maybe even friendship eventually from me… then I would like to get to know you. To help you where I can. But if you don’t want those things, if you came here for an answer, and you got it, and you want to go back to what you know, I completely understand. You don’t owe anyone anything by virtue of being who you are.

and back to the gentle insistence that nothing is expected of them - if obscura wants to turn and run, pretend this never happened and continue suppressing their sight, they can. it's entirely their choice. but he's also giving them the reassurance that they aren't alone if they don't want to be.

like. i think what really gets me about all of this is that it's so genuinely selfless of him? because imagine meeting the one person who could truly understand you on a level no one else ever will, someone who by all accounts should not even exist in the same space as you, and then completely sincerely telling them that if they have no interest in sticking around, that's okay. you know? like i imagine the majority of us would at least try convincing them to stay. but he doesn't. he puts all the cards in their hands and lets them choose how to proceed, and he doesn't hound them when they vanish for a while after this meeting. everything happens on obscura's time; there's no pushing them towards anything they don't want

i think obscura is ... fragile, perhaps? and i think they need careful hands and a patient heart and morgan could be everything they need. i want them falling asleep on his couch after a late night talking and i want him to gaze at them fondly before putting a blanket over them. i want brief hand touches when they pass him something and to hear his breath catch in his throat at the contact. i want more instances of that tense pause before "...i want to know you." i want him to make silly jokes just to make them laugh and then to get starry-eyed when it works, and when they try to cover their mouth to hide their smile, i want him to tell them they have a beautiful smile (without telling them not to hide it). i want them to almost kiss but be interrupted by someone's phone going off or otherwise interrupted so they turn away, flushed and awkward, and they don't talk about it again. i want them to kiss in the rain, soaked and shivering but not caring about anything but the way they feel on each other.

sigh. where the hell was i going with this. i don't know. i just think they have so much potential for a life changing slow burn. i cannot believe they make me feel so strongly when they've only had three audios

[starlightswordfight]

back in my headcanon posting arc (EVERYONE THROWS TOMATOES AT ME)

hitting daya w my ASPD beam I never see people bring the disorder up in good faith and I'm SICK of it I am SICK AND I AM TIRED

ANOTHER wall of text post it wasn't meant to be this long I don't know what happened

DAYA MY SPECIALEST FAVORITEST CHARACTER WHO MAKES ME SO SAAADDD

before leaving her community she had zero agency. like NONE. at all. every beat of her life was already mapped out before she had any sort of say in it, and that presumably just kept happening and happening and happening until she reached a point where she just could not take that anymore

what little we get from her lore implies that she was valued more for what she did or what she could provide than who she was on her own. and one: the idea that relationships are an inherently transactional thing is going to be there in your head when it's been demonstrated to you your entire life

two: a relationship like that with the community that raises you, from Your Family, is going to mess you up! a lot!!! and environmental factors have been cited to contribute to ASPD developing, especially an inability to rely on your caretakers or the authority figures in your life to protect you

because it wasn't another person that got her out of that situation. daya saved HERSELF. which absolutely would solidify those beliefs further; that close relationships are means to meet a goal. and are not inherently safe. "all these people around me while this was going on and I am the only one that did something"

and that! is only going to get worse the longer you go without a real support system! especially if you are the person that gets out of there without help. when you're surrounded by people that endlessly fail you then you aren't going to have trust in people, right. that inability to trust people and loss of control is a huge huge deal with this disorder forming

social "support" system fails you over and over and over → one way of coping with that is abandoning prosocial ideas outright. I don't think this is 1:1 what happens and aspd is so little researched but I HAVE read pwASPD clarify that their experiences with unstable support systems while younger contributed heavily to having antisocial traits as an adult

the view of relationships being transactional is also something that might go under the radar while she's doing dungeon work or while she's in a party because an approach like that (no heavy interpersonal relationships, business is business) is a beneficial one to have. when you view your work and your colleagues from that lens you are less likely to split up from your party in possibly dire moments. you are less likely to die down there

she also (reasonably) doesn't ever show guilt or remorse for leaving, She Just Does. daya has no reason to feel bad, so why should she? what reason does she have to get upset? a reasonable response even if she DIDN'T have ASPD (considering how those people treated her) but her having it would add a layer to that

and also her detachment emotionally, like because of her upbringing. and she IS a more detached person in contrast to the more expressive people in her party, like mickbell. there IS a flatter expression with her, daya comes across as calmer and less involved emotionally than a lot of the people she surrounds herself with

so like of course she's never considered that something might be "wrong" there. the setting doesn't prompt questions like that. neither did her upbringing. this is just all that daya's ever known

(and that's probably why she gets along so well with holm? in particular? he doesn't really demand stuff out of people or emote very strongly, he's There but not Overwhelmingly There if that makes sense. and that attitude would probably feel refreshing for someone who might be easily drained during social situations. ASPD DID solidarity I love it here)

it very well could be because daya doesn't have a lot of screen time (most side characters don't so I Get It) but we really don't see her expressing any feelings very strongly? the most that comes to mind is the initial fight with chimera falin where she Actually Fucking Dies

we don't get a lot to work with for her and part of that is why this post is all over the place. the other part is this has been sitting in my drafts for like a month and I can't remember what else I wanted to add. but like FROM WHAT I SEE HERE I think it would make SO much sense for daya to experience things like emotional blunting

"dying" to the treasure insects and losing her necklace? she's upset but not for long at all, and not about losing the treasure, just her necklace. watching kabru later on kill those corpse retrievers she's all like "yayyy I love when people do the right thing ❤️❤️❤️❤️" (which I laugh every time about. because it's fucking hilarious) but the response still reads as like. not enthusiastic or anything, maybe like, relieved, at most (which either way doesn't feel "right" for the situation)

we don't see her sad, we see her disappointed for a little bit and then she gets over it. I don't remember ever seeing her be overly excited, just at the part where they found the treasure bugs that they still thought were treasure, and even then she was reacting with the group. it is very very easily to blend in with a group. outside of that I mostly remember her being content, maybe, but not enthusiastic about anything

the strongest emotions we get to see from daya are anger/annoyance and fear. and half the time (chimera falin fight, her attacking her party thinking they're mermen) it looks to be both at the same time. lashing out that stems from fear. panic, then fight response. the situations in which she is not calm unfold the way they do because she is in some kind of danger.

detachment comes from distrust, and distrust stems from fear of being hurt. hypervigilance will do that to you, which a lot of pwASPD also will tell you they have. I think daya may feel things like excitement or sadness on a much lower threshold most or all of the time, where fear is not blunted because self reliance in her case could also be self preservation. and the need to defend herself at all times never went away

her fiance could be her exception also. do you see my vision

i just think it'd be like. interesting yk. I myself do NOT have ASPD (or any personality disorder I want to make that clear) but I know people who do. and a lot of characters that people say Must Surely Have It are normally antagonistic or the Worst People You Will Ever Meet and that's AWFUL. COMBATING that. YAY (THE BAR IS ON THE FLOOR PLEASE GUYS PLEASE)

reading firsthand accounts about what it's actually like having it (emotional blunting, a want for convenience, detachment from most or all other people, overreliance on the self, the environmental factors that contribute) did remind me of daya, A Lot. and I think also seeing more sympathetic portrayals of characters ESPECIALLY women that aren't lively and social and sentimental would be nice

pd headcanons are AWESOME i CHEER SO LOUDLY every time I see them but I don't really notice like ... any ASPD ones. especially not for women. which has me confused and pondering my orb because daya is RIGHT THERE. I love her and this is something you cannot convince me otherwise about actually

I'm not proofreading this again if there's a billion typos it'll be alright. surely

[starrenati]

So I did some more. Again. I don't know how but sure did. Also wanted to share that this ff doesn't have a name for now and the doc I write in is just called "LFG ff". Thank you for your attention.

Chapter II

"Fate likes cruel jokes"

“What are you doing, bub?”

She almost fell, hearing a familiar voice. her grip on the bars loosening a little. She had to swat the air a few times and test her leg strength to get back into a sitting position. Alice glared at Logan, who was just standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. Of course he was close enough to catch her, in case she wouldn’t manage to save herself in time. 

“Are you fucking crazy? I could’ve fallen!”

“Language, young lady. And I’d catch you in time if you didn’t do that in time.” 

She rolled her eyes, getting off of the railing and now standing on the ground, still eyeing Logan with feigned anger. She couldn’t really stay mad at him for too long in that case. Somehow, he had a better grasp of her struggles than for example Wade. Why? Hard to tell. Logan wasn’t exactly the type of person to just open up and talk about his feelings or even just thoughts. 

“ So? Care to answer my question or you’ll continue on with the silent treatment?” 

He asked, raising his eyebrow. He had his guesses about what was happening yet again. 

“ Thinking. I was just thinking. And you interrupted me. Which is rude and very annoying. You should apologize and move on. How did you even know I was there? Who told you? Wade?”

Yeah, that was definitely it. Judging by how much she was speaking, the speed of her speech and amount of unnecessary words, everything fit right in place. 

“ Yes, Wade told me that you left the flat, high out of your mind, not telling anyone where you’re going. And I know you always come here when this”  he lightly tapped her forehead “ happens.” 

She only grumbled in reply, taking a half step back. Of course she didn’t want to talk about it. It was like a never healing wound. Bothering her in every possible way, hurting and bleeding from time to time, for years now. A curse. That much she could agree on. Anyone who was a telepath, ever, was cursed with a gift that takes more than it can actually give. Alice turned her eyes away, looking at the very few cars that passed the bridge. It must’ve been getting late then. Only now she felt the cold wind sink deep into her skin, reach her bones and send a chill through them. Making this whole experience even more unpleasant. Suddenly the world was real and she hated it for it. 

“ C’mon, “ he placed a hand on her shoulder, giving her a slight push in one of the directions “ let’s get inside the car. We can talk there.” 

This time she didn’t protest. Just followed his lead to a car, the cheap car that will soon probably fall apart. Was this fate meant for all of them in different ways? Each and everyone of them was a mix of pieces that were falling all over the place, held by some cheap tape. Even the dog. Maybe she would’ve found this hilarious if she would’ve still been high, but it was passing, making everything around worse and worse with each passing moment. She would’ve handled it a lot better, if the voices would finally shut up, but she was already greeted by the shriek of her mind, piercing right through her, yet she didn’t show any signs. Already used to that torture.

 She followed Logan into the car, sitting in the passenger seat and buckling her seatbelt. It was a habit by now, to make sure that if she falls out, it’d be at least with this damn seat. Nothing like a concept of comfy death. He also got in and started the car again, the soft hum of the engine filling her ears, slightly soothing the chaos in her mind. The scenery outside, so well known, yet now even more important. Each lamp, every rusty piece of railing, every painted line and the black asphalt. Simple things that looked so much different from this perspective, much less real and much more blurred. 

“ You promised you won’t smoke again.”

His voice echoed somewhere in the back of her mind, when he finally spoke up. Instead of answering she just reached out to turn on the radio. Random station and everything. Just something noisy enough to let her surface from the mess of thoughts in her mind. He sighed but didn’t push. They had time. She can talk later. 

Soon they passed the bridge, now being outside the city. The scenery filled with more and more trees, away from civilization. Now, all that was left was to go to their spot. Where many important talks already took place, many heart to heart shares of memories and troubles. The trees there already know their stories, at least the most important bits of them. After all it’s been years from that simple “Hi” that passed his and Wade’s mind one day and started all that. All this mess of yet another broken person to share their life with. However, Logan would never complain about it… Well, he maybe did but never really meant it. 

Car was filled with well known sounds of the song “Somewhere only we know”. Alice smiled a bit at the irony of the world and fate once again. Nothing happens without a reason, right? So maybe it was meant to play all along? Maybe it was supposed to be like this? Maybe the scolding was written in the stars for her long ago and there wasn’t really a way to escape all that? Why was it still heavy on her mind? The way this world works and the cruelty of fate, that definitely likes to play with people. To show them happiness just to forever tear it out of their hands and leave them hopeful but miserable. All you have left is hope, but what happens when you lose it? 

Her mind got pulled away from those thoughts, when the car came to a stop again. The clearing on a cliff. Not that far away from the city, yet far enough to feel free and sort of alone. 

“ So, again, you promised something.”

“ I know. But I had to. It got too loud, I didn’t know how to stop this anymore. I think it’s the loudest it's ever been… It’s painfull. And I have to go to work on Monday so I can’t be a walking zombie.”

“ So you decided to get high? Very reasonable. Really.”

“ Okay, sarcasm king, I know it makes no sense actually.” 

She muttered, her eyes focused on the outside still. Making out shapes of bushes and flowers in the darkness. Alice was feeling lost. It wasn’t only about the pain. It was also about how unfair it was, feeling cornered by her own mind, with no sensible way out. Like her fate was to be destroyed or destroy herself on her own. 

“ I’m jealous of normal people, you know, Logan?” She whispered, her voice barely coming over the songs from the radio. “ I wish I could just go one day with a silent mind. Without hearing thousands of things in it constantly, without having to pretend I’m all fine…”

Something was about that spot, about how it was making her so vulnerable without an issue. Just like that pushing her over that emotional edge. Tugging at her heart in all the right ways to make her believe that saying all that, out loud, would fix anything and everything. Somehow.. 

“ You remind me of someone…”

“ Charles? You used to tell me many stories about him, the great telepath and such, but how are we similar? You’ve never said about his struggles. I mean with the school and such, yes, but not with… With the thing.”

She looked at him, and he could sense that silent begging for any reassurance. For any way to prove that she wasn’t the only victim of her mind. That it wasn’t only her that suffers so much everyday. 

“ It was backfiring at him as well, something about his meds so he could walk, but wasn’t able to use his telepathy anymore…”

And that hope was gone. It was different for her again. She couldn’t stop this or trigger it. It was part of her. That pain was an inseparable part of her being it seemed. 

“ So it’s way different… If I could do anything to make it stop, I would, but I can’t. That’s the problem Logan. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s all the time under my skull, like I have a hive of pissed off bees in there, few of them even. Rushing all the time, buzzing, making it insufferable. And I have to act. I have to be fine. I can’t just pop a pill and call it a day. I tried. I was taking antidepressants, I was taking meds like a crazy person, it probably destroyed my body beyond repair with how much of them I took and it only got worse.. I… I can’t fix this.”

The vulnerability of her voice stung him deeply. The way she was nervously pulling at locks of her hair from time to time, looking somewhere ahead while her reddish eyes filled with tears, how that tone of her voice changed due to a stuffed nose. The shaking of her hands. He could only imagine how it must’ve felt. To be seen as crazy while all you’re trying to do is to survive. 

“I don’t want to suffer like that. “ More of a squeal than actual words. “ I don’t deserve this, Logan. I don’t. I didn’t do anything wrong. At least not to that point. I didn’t.. I really didn’t. I did a lot of bad things but nothing to be like that. To be cursed and damned when I just want to live.”

She was breaking in front of his very eyes. Her voice failed her more and more. Giving out more with each passing word. He reached out to her, offering her his arm to lean on. 

“ Come ‘ere…”

He didn’t know what to say. How to soothe her for now, so that was all he could do. Let the words fall and offer some support. She leaned on him immediately. Her body was shaking as she clenched her fingers around his arm, holding onto him as if he was about to disappear. 

“ I’m not a bad person… I’m just human, I’m allowed to make mistakes, so why am I punished like this? Why do I have to be a telepath? Why was I cursed? For what? So I can lose everything and everyone? Why…?”

He gently patted her hair this time. Cruel reality of being a mutant wasn’t leaving anyone, huh? It took her a bit more to regain her breath and just lean on him without a word. She knew he didn’t have the answer she wanted. Alice was never mad at him, it wasn’t his fault. It was never his fault. She glanced at the clock. They should be going back, but at the same time… Staying here was better. 

“ Can we stay for a bit longer..?”

“Sure. As long as you want.”

He saw it helped. A lot. So now he just keeps his arm around her shoulder in hopes that it helps a bit, distracts her mind enough to at least not hurt her anymore. Because, what we are without hope, right?