#and he has a facebook page where people still wish him happy birthday

[sophsicle]

there is something a bit horrific about living in a world determined by algorithms. because, for all our fears about the advancements of technology, it is still fundamentally crude. it lacks empathy and tact. unable to tell the difference between trends and tragedy. so that when something happens. like a death. all it knows is that people are looking. and it doesn't care why. it doesn't care how. it just doesn't want them to stop. so it drags up every photo and every video, piecing together some Frankenstein phantom. of a person who can't take things down. can't block things from view. can't die in peace. because the algorithm sees you looking. because no one ever taught it that digging up bodies is bad manners.

[captnjacksparrow]

What if Kishimoto actually made Sasuke and Naruto together and adopt a family. Would that bring chaos in good or bad way?

Regrettably, in a BAD WAY. ����

Look at this.

If you don't know what this is, it's 2014 Naruto Official Facebook page, Where they dedicated this SNS fanart on Naruto's Birthday, not NH or NS but only SNS (not even an AU where his parents were alive and wishing him Happy Birthday). Look at the details of the fanart, like N and S being married, Sasuke's dino toy, Naruto's Frog doll, Hokage wardrobe....

But look at the homophobic comments😒😒😒

That picture was taken down later after the backlash they received. But an SNS fan immortalized this screenshot on Tumblr and it lives even today.

So, How do you think the outcome would be if the author made N and S end up together and adopt a baby??

There is this article about Gay people living in Closet which was published in March 2001 in The Daily Yomiuri Newspaper. Check it out here. I’ll just pull out some important points from there. 

-

-

“Steve Dodd, 44, a lecturer in Japanese literature at London University, comes to Tokyo for a few months each year to do research.

"I had no idea really what the attitude toward homosexuality was in Japan, in the small town where I was teaching kids. I felt this terrible fear of being exposed," he said.

Perhaps it was because he was still only about 20, he says. "But they were all saying, ‘Do you have a girlfriend yet?’ Or they were promising to take me to a prostitute or something. I can remember always living in fear that I would be dragged along to a brothel."

[[This ‘Do you have a Girlfriend yet?’ thing is very similar to people asking Naruto ‘Is she your Girlfriend?’]]

Assuming that everybody is straight in Japan, as anywhere else, the onus is on gays to tell people that they are "different," with all the stigma that can entail, particularly in a country that likes to claim that everybody is the same. No wonder then that some prefer to keep quiet, even if that means hiding what they really are.

There aren’t many people in Japanese public life — whether actors, athletes or politicians — who have publicly announced that they are gay, except for cross-dressers and the occasional activist.

"People tend to think of being ‘out’ as an either/or thing — either you’re ‘out’ or you’re in the closet — but it’s not that simple," says George Mirren (not his real name), 37, president of the Japanese subsidiary of a multinational corporation. Originally from a small town in Arkansas, he has been living in Tokyo for 15 years. He speaks fluent Japanese, and has a steady Japanese partner. "There are varying degrees of outness. No one is completely out all the time."

Although there may be less overt discrimination, social factors — especially the overwhelming emphasis on the so-called "traditional family" — can make life difficult for gays

Kazuya Kawaguchi of OCCUR (Japan Association for the Lesbian and Gay Movement) in Tokyo, says that a lot of people would be not shocked, but puzzled, by the idea of two men living together. He says, "In Japan, people think that any full-fledged adult male who’s single should be living on his own two feet — in other words, alone. There’s no concept of two men living together. They might think, for instance, that neither of them had any money. Naturally, they wouldn’t want to rent to them."

-

-

Despite having a large Fanbase for SNS, I still think majority of people over there are very conservative by all means. Like, they don’t even know that such concept exists. But hey, this is a very old article and we can’t judge everything based on this and things might have improved a lot over there too. 

In these days, I’ve seen Chinese media creators are finding very clever ways to portray LGBT content in Mainstream media by passing the Lead Characters off as Soulmates Which Kishi did it way back in 2010 itself by making Naruto declare that “We’ll die together”. 

So, Yes... Considering all these, Open Ending would’ve been so much better than this. Or they should’ve made them adopt some random kids and Co-Parent them together without making them as Official Couple but as ‘Friends’. 

But an SNS ending would’ve created more controversy in bad ways where there is a possibility of deeming this manga as inappropriate for Teenagers, the demographics they are targeting basically. But on the other side, it would’ve boosted other creators to come out and create similar contents like this without any hesitation. 

[seijorhi]

Outrunning Fate

As promised (though I am more than a little late for Shiratorizawa Week), the soulmate AU

Tendou x female reader x Ushijima

TW stalking, possessive behaviour, implied non-con

Soulmates were supposed to be a blessing.

It was a fairytale that you’d grown up hearing about. One person who was supposed to be wholly yours.

Your parents were soulmates, even if you hadn’t always understood the concept, the proof of that remarkable, unshakable bond was always right in front of you. It wasn’t in the big grand gestures, it was little things - the soft, adoring look in your father’s eye as your mother passed him his coffee every morning, the way she always sought out his touch when they were together, even if it was just to twine her fingers with his, or the way that they always seemed to be able to sense when the other was upset, and wordlessly found the perfect way to comfort them.

Your father never had to tell you that he loved your mother, but he did, every single day. He told her too, just to see her smile.

It seemed effortless, easy, as if their love for one another was as natural as breathing. How could you be blamed for looking at your bare wrist, waiting for the day that name would appear in scrawling black ink, feeling that excited fluttering in your chest because you knew one day you’d meet your soulmate and have that perfect, fairytale love all for yourself.

Except it wasn’t like that.

Something went wrong.

***

You’re fifteen and barely paying attention in class when your skin prickles uncomfortably. Your heart leaps into your chest as you tug up the sleeve off your blazer, watching wide eyed with bated breath as a name appears on your wrist.

Tendou Satori.

The beginnings of a smile start to curl at your lips, but it freezes in place as more inky black writing appears below the first.

Ushijima Wakatoshi.

A second name. 

And suddenly, it feels like your perfectly crafted world begins to fall apart. Two soulmates aren’t unheard of, but they’re incredibly rare and you can’t deny that there’s a certain… stigma attached to it. 

What kind of a person isn’t satisfied with just one? 

This is supposed to be some magical, thrilling moment for you, but instead all you can focus on is the pounding of your heart and the growing wave of nausea that rises in the back of your throat. Quickly you yank your sleeve back down and before you can even think to stutter an apology to your bewildered teacher, you’re out of your seat and sprinting down the hallway to the bathroom. You barely make it before hurling up your guts. 

After that, you start wearing long sleeves wherever you go.

It’s not that you’re ashamed, you tell yourself as you bite your lip and try your utmost to fade into the background whenever the topic comes up in conversation, it’s just that… other people aren’t always so accepting.

You’ve tried to get used to the disgusted looks, the invasive questions and the insults that follow you wherever you go, but it’s easier said than done. You hate that your cheeks still burn scarlet whenever you catch someone staring at your marks, almost as much as you hate the way you quickly duck your head in shame and race to fix your sleeve.

‘It’s okay, honey. I know it’s not what you expected but… it just means there’s one more person out there waiting to love you with everything they have. You’re twice as lucky as the rest of us,’ your father had told you on that horrible day. You just wished it hadn’t sounded like he was trying to convince himself at the same time.

***

You’re seventeen and the first boy who kisses you tries to shove your hand down his pants because he knows you’ve got two names on your wrist, and that means you’re up for anything, right?

You run home with tears streaming down your face and when you shower that night you scrub at the marks like you’re trying to erase them entirely.

What did having two names mean really? That one wasn’t enough? Would they be content sharing you? Would they even know of the other’s existence?

You could only imagine how horrifying it would be for them, spending months, years waiting for you only to realise that they didn’t really have all of you…

Would they hate you? Could you even blame them if they did?

Sometimes… sometimes you think it might be better if you didn’t have a soulmate at all, instead of this. It’s easier just to ignore it, pretend they don’t exist, pretend that you’re not gonna ruin their lives. Who knows, maybe you’ll be one of those few who never actually meet their soulmates. You can live with that, you think. You have a family who love you, a bunch of close friends who’d die for you - who needs stupid soulmates?

***

It’s the morning after your 18th birthday, your head is still pounding from the alcohol and bad decisions from the night before when your curiosity finally gets the better of you. It’s the modern age, most people live their lives online, you figure you’ll find a facebook page, a twitter account maybe.

Instead, the first item that comes up in your search is a video. It’s a news segment about a volleyball game - some high school team that you’ve never heard of, but you listen to the commentator talk and your heart leaps into your throat because they mention the Ace by name and suddenly there he is. Tall, dark haired and imposing - Ushijima Wakatoshi.

But you don’t even have a moment to breathe, to focus on the absolute beast that is your second soulmate and his terrifying spike because the camera shifts and suddenly there’s another player in focus. Tall, gangly with bright, spiky red hair and a too-wide grin, “-not the only player in the spotlight after today’s match; Shiratorizawa’s middle blocker, the so called ‘Guess Monster’ Tendou Satori-”

You close the browser window and slam your laptop shut.

They’re… friends, or teammates at the very least.

It feels like a bad dream you can’t wake up from. This whole thing is already messy enough, but you can’t get in the middle of that, you refuse to make everything worse for them just because the fates have decided to play a cruel joke on you.

If there were any lingering doubt left in your mind that you’re better off burying your soulmates, they’re well and truly put to bed.

That night, you dream of a cheering crowd, the thwack of a volleyball ricocheting off a vinyl floor and two menacing figures looming over you.

With your final exams around the corner, it’s almost too easy to put the video and your soulmates out of your mind as you throw yourself into studying. Months pass in the blink of an eye and suddenly you’re dressed in black robes and holding your high school diploma. You celebrate with your friends, dancing wildly with a care-free grin long into the night because you know you’re finally getting out of there for good. Tokyo’s a big city, you’ll lose yourself there and nobody, not a single damned soul, will know about the two names that grace your wrist. It’s as close to freedom as you’re ever gonna get - and god that makes you so fucking happy.

Your bags are packed and you’re holding your parents as they sob and then, like that, you’re gone. 

Tokyo awaits.

***

It’s not that easy to outrun fate.

Living in Tokyo ain’t cheap, even for the shitty little shoebox apartment you rent while you’re studying. You manage to find a job at one of the Americanised diner style cafes just down the road from where you live two weeks after moving in. It’s popular with students because it’s open till late, the coffee’s good and the waffles are exactly what the doctor ordered after a long night of drinking with your friends. You’re just happy because the pay’s pretty decent and your boss lets you bring in your laptop and textbooks so you can study when it’s not too busy. You’re not nearly as thrilled about the short, revealing blue dress that serves as your uniform, but you know when to pick your battles.

It’s a little after one o’clock on a slow Tuesday night, the cafe’s almost empty and you’re propped up on your elbows along the countertop, absentmindedly thumbing through one of your assigned readings for class tomorrow when you hear the tell-tale chime of the door opening.

You hastily shove your books aside, plastering a wide if not a little artificial smile across your face, you glance up to greet the customers, only to freeze in place.

Your heart skips a beat.

Of all the cafes in the sprawling city, of course your soulmate has to walk into this one.

With his wild, spiked red hair and easy, sloping grin, Tendou’s unmistakable as he strides through the cafe with two other guys you can only assume are his friends. You suppose you should be a little relieved that he barely spares you a glance as the threesome make a beeline for one of the corner booths, but it’s hard to feel anything other than blind panic at the sight of your soulmate only a few feet away. It’s purely out of habit that you reach for your wrist and the skin coloured bandage hiding your traitorous marks, and you allow yourself to breathe the tiniest sigh of relief when you feel it still in place.

A loud cackle bursts through the quiet atmosphere of the cafe and you dart a glance over to see Tendou with his head thrown back laughing at something one of the others has said. There’s an uncomfortable fluttering in your stomach and your cheeks redden just a touch. It’s not an awful sound (not at all), but your pulse is racing and you think you just might be sick because this is all… too much.

You’d left them in the past along with whatever fairytale fantasies you thought having a soulmate would bring. You… you’re happy being alone and coping just fine without either one of them! They were a dream - a distant possibility you’d long since locked away, you weren’t supposed to ever actually see them!

At least it’s only Tendou, you think you might actually combust if they were both here. Still, there’s a faint tremor in your hand as you brush a lock of hair out of your face and try to regain control of your breathing.

As much as you’d like to run, or preferably, have the earth suddenly open up and swallow you whole, you know you can’t. For one, you’re the only server left until close and your boss might be easy going but somehow you doubt he’d let you keep your job after a stunt like that. More importantly, you have a sinking suspicion that causing a fuss will only draw his attention and that’s the last thing you want. He doesn’t know who you are, your mark is safely tucked away under your bandages, this will be fine.

It’s an hour and a half until close, he and his friends will get some food, eat, drink and chat amongst themselves and then you can kick them out and it’ll all be over. You barely have to interact with him. For all he knows you’re just a server in a random cafe - this will be fine.

Robotically you force your legs to move, carrying you towards your oblivious soulmate. You’re pretty sure that your smile’s a little off and you haven’t quite managed to quell the shaking in your hands as you reach for your notepad, flipping it open.

It’s the best you can do, especially when there’s a voice inside your head that’s all but begging for you to turn around and pretend this whole thing never happened. 

Tendou appears to be thoroughly engrossed in whatever story he’s telling his friends, waving his arms around wildly when you reach their table. Normally you’d clear your throat politely and wait for them to settle down before introducing yourself and asking for their order, but when you open your mouth - nothing comes out. It’s like your whole throat has suddenly dried up and you’re just standing there gaping like an idiot, but Tendou hasn’t even noticed.

The ashy blonde to his left, however, does. His eyes flicker to you and you swear that you can see the faintest trace of amusement as he takes you in. He smirks, quickly shoving an elbow into the redhead’s side and jerking his chin in your direction. 

“Hey loudmouth, pipe down would you?”

Your breath catches as he turns around to look up at you and grins, “Ah, sorry. Didn’t see ya there!” 

The other two have picked up their menus again, but for whatever reason just as Tendou’s gaze starts to slide off of you, something catches his attention and stops him in his tracks. Like a magpie spotting something shiny in the distance, those big, droopy red eyes suddenly widen and zero back in with unnerving interest. Frozen with that fake, half hearted smile painted across your lips you feel strangely like a bug caught under a microscope as Tendou studies you - there’s really no other way to describe it. His head tilts to the side and he makes a low noise from the back of his throat that almost sounds pleased.

He can’t know, there’s no possible way, but if he doesn’t then why the hell is he staring at you like that?

It’s all you can do to remain rooted in place, your heart hammering so loudly against your ribs that you’re sure they have to be able to hear it too. Whatever he’s searching for he apparently finds because his grin widens and he leans back in his seat and chuckles. “Why’d you look so nervous, we’re not gonna bite - promise!” 

The other guy at the table rolls his eyes, “Tendou, don’t scare the pretty waitress, she’s just trying to do her job,” he chastises, offering you an apologetic smile that does little to ease your nerves. “Don’t mind him, he’s an idiot, but he wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

You swallow and hum in faint acknowledgment, and he takes that as a sign to begin his order. 

You were hoping that they were just going to get some drinks and be out of your hair, but as he starts listing off various snacks and appetizers to share and the ashy blonde throws out a few more, it looks like your nightmare is only just beginning.

You nod dutifully, writing it all down. The cook is just going to love you for this, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. “Anything else?” you ask in a voice that just barely passes for what your boss deems ‘customer service appropriate’, decidedly not looking towards the redhead who is still staring at you.

He hasn’t looked at the menu once since you walked over, actually you doubt he’s looked at the menu at all, but it doesn’t seem to matter because he pipes up regardless, “Yep, one of those thickshakes, you know - the really good strawberry one, annnd-”

“Y/N, order up!!”

Your soul leaves your body at the exact same moment that Tendou’s pupils dilate and snap to your wrist.

The pen in your hand is shaking, your grip so tight that it’s a wonder the flimsy plastic doesn’t shatter as you turn to glance over your shoulder. The cook is leaning out across the overpass, staring at you with a scowl and vaguely you register the hot plate of food in front of him which can’t have been sitting there for more than a minute at the most. You give a weak nod, earning you a dismissive grunt in response, before turning back to the table.

All three of them are staring wide eyed and open mouthed at you. 

Fuck. 

They know. They have to know.

You should have legged it when you had the chance.

Breathe. Smile. Play dumb. This is fine.

“A-anything el-”

“Somethin’ wrong with your wrist?” Tendou asks slowly, eyeing the bandage like he wants nothing more than to snatch it up and rip it away from you. His fingers flex and you don’t even have time to brace before they’re shooting out towards you-

A hand catches his forearm before he can touch you - it’s his friend, the dark haired one with the crew cut, who’s currently staring down the erratic redhead with a distinct frown. 

It’s the blonde who speaks up, “Sorry, he’s had a few drinks tonight. The idiot sometimes forgets his manners in public.”

The music is still playing in the background, somebody laughs at the table a few down from theirs, but in this little pocket, trapped between the three of them with the tension thick enough to slice with a knife, the silence is oppressive.

And then Tendou’s attention shifts back to you and your stomach flips - it’s like the floor has disappeared beneath your feet and you’re suddenly careening through the empty air with no hope in hell of slowing down.

He looks… well, mad is the wrong word. Tendou is technically smiling, but his grin stretched slightly too wide, his eyes a little too intense. There’s an emotion you can’t name etched across his pale features, and it’s unsettling… it scares you a little, if you’re being honest.

You swallow and take a tiny, shaking breath. “I-it’s fine. I tripped last week and sprained it.”

“Clumsy, are you?” he asks, prying himself free of his friend’s grip.

A laugh forces its way out, grating and too sharp to be believable. “Yeah, I guess. Your food won’t be too long, if you need anything else, just- just let me know.”

You don’t give them a chance to respond as you all but flee the table. You’re shaking and almost in tears by the time you reach the kitchen, the cook takes one look at you, a grumpy admonishment on the tip of his tongue, and falters.

They stay until close, and you avoid them like the plague.

Hours later, lying tucked up in your bed your skin still prickles from the thought of Tendou’s piercing stare. Maybe if you’d kept some kind of a level head through it all instead of acting like a flustered school girl, he might have just passed it all off as a coincidence. 

But you hadn’t, had you?

It wasn’t just that he knew who you were to him (and to Ushijima) but that after all your blushing and stammering, the pitiful attempts at hiding your soulmate marks and the way you all but ran from him the very first moment you could, he had to know that you knew as well. That despite coming face to face with your soulmate, you lied - you rejected him.

You mom once told you that the first time she laid eyes on her soulmate the world stopped spinning and all she felt was joy. Maybe there’s something wrong with you after all, because despite the insistent tug in your heart, you just feel sick. Despite being exhausted after your long shift, sleep that night doesn’t come easy.

It’s two days later that you find yourself back in the cafe, working a rare day shift on your only week-days off from classes. You keep glancing up at the door every few minutes, half dreading the possibility that any moment, Tendou and his friends are going to walk in, but they don’t. 

Ushijima does, a little after the lunch rush dies down.

He looks so out of place against the vibrant backdrop of the 50’s style diner, all serious and stoic, that if he were anybody else you might think he was lost. 

But he isn’t lost, because he’s staring right at you.

You don’t notice one of your co-workers sliding up to you until they laugh and playfully nudge your side. “Ah, I see the eye candy is back. Try and pick up your jaw, Y/N,” they tease.

Back?

Instead of finding an empty table to sit himself down at (and give you a minute to mentally prepare) Ushijima is making his way straight over to the counter, unsmiling and huge. How was he even bigger in person?! He could crush you with his thighs alone!

“He’s been here before?” you ask quietly, unable to draw your gaze away from him. 

Your co-worker snorts. “Yeah, he came in last night, he even asked for you by name. Seemed kinda disappointed when I told him you weren’t on until today. You holding out on me, Y/N? I thought we were closer than that. You know you’re supposed to tell me when you start dating a hot ass dude!”

They slip away with a wink before you even have a chance to respond and you’re left floundering as Ushijima approaches. Your mouth is dry, your pulse racing. Just like with Tendou, you have no escape, nowhere you can run or hide.

He asked for you by name.

Fuck. You should have quit when you had the chance.

Ushijima isn’t smiling. Where Tendou had been beaming with chaotic energy from the moment he walked in, your second soulmate seems almost stony as he stares at you with serious olive eyes. You honestly can’t tell if he’s frowning or if that’s just the way his face is, but it makes your gut twist regardless. 

It might also be the fact that he’s towering over you without even trying to. He has to be at least 6’3” but it’s not just his height that’s imposing - he’s brawny and muscular and, yeah, huge. Briefly you remember the news clip you’d seen of him, the terrifying brute force behind his spike. 

He seems to be waiting for you to speak, so you swallow down the lump in your throat and try to remember how to breathe like a normal person. “Hi, can I get you anything?”

Something briefly flickers across his face, but otherwise his expression remains distressingly neutral. “… I would like some tea.”

You nod - it’s like pulling teeth. “Yeah, sure. We uh, we actually have a few different kinds…”

He makes a rough noise of acknowledgement and then… pauses. Instead of the menu, Ushijima studies you. His lips twitch into the faintest hint of a… smile? You can’t quite tell, but it looks out of place regardless. “I will have whichever you recommend.”

You can’t seem to be able to form words, so you settle with nodding, gesturing for him to take a seat while he waits. 

His eyes don’t shift from you, nor does he make any attempt to mask the fact that he’s staring right at you. When his tea is ready, you all but beg your co-worker to take it to him. 

“Trouble in paradise?” they ask, waggling their eyebrows.

“It’s not like that,” you mutter, but they take the tea regardless, and you busy yourself in wiping down tables and pretending that you can’t see the scowl from the volleyball player burning across the diner. 

It really isn’t. 

Even after tucking any thought of meeting your soulmates away there was always some tiny part of you - a part you were always so desperate to ignore - that wondered how it would feel to meet them, to be loved by them…

But while your heart squeezes with every glance, it’s not warm, dizzying bliss that floods your system and sends blood rushing to your cheeks. You don’t know what the feeling is that curls in your stomach and claws its way up your spine, but it’s nothing good. 

Something went wrong with you, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Ushijima stays for an hour, finishes his tea and makes his way back to the counter to pay. 

He's wearing a grey hoodie, running gear underneath, and when he hands you the money, passing it directly into hands, his sleeve rides up. There, plain as day, is his soulmate mark.

Your name, written in black ink on Ushijima's wrist, forever marking you as his.

You jerk, flinching away from him, but he doesn’t make a move to cover it. 

“You cannot run from us, Y/N. We are your soulmates, we’re bound together.” His voice is little more than a murmur, but there’s an edge to it, sharp and pointed. Not so much a statement as a fact, as undeniable as your name on his skin, on Tendou’s.

He says it like it’s a promise, staring into your eyes with that impenetrable gaze and for a moment you forget how to breathe.

“Why are you so determined to fight it?”

You swallow, taking the cash from his hand and punching it into the till. “I’m sorry, whoever you think I am…” you trail off, finally raising your eyes to meet his penetrating stare. You’re quietly proud of the way your voice doesn’t shake, even as your heart races like a hummingbird in your chest and your palms sweat. “I’m not.”

The only sign that Ushijima hears you at all is the subtle furrowing of his brow and a distinctly displeased hum from the back of his throat. 

“I hope you enjoyed your tea.” The cutting barb slips from your lips before you can stop them, but there’s a certain vindictive satisfaction you get in watching his eyes widen, the brief hurt that flickers across his face. 

Of course, it only lasts a fraction of a second before his features school into a blank mask and he nods.

“Perhaps I will try another the next time I see you.”

And with a short bow, he walks away.

You leave your apron behind when you finish your shift at the diner, and you don’t come back.

There will be other jobs.

***

It’s not enough. 

They start showing around campus. 

The first time you catch sight of Tendou, you’re running between classing, cursing the ridiculous schedule that has you attending two back to back lectures on opposite sides of the campus. It’s just a glance - a flicker of red in the corner of your eye. The only reason you stop at all is because you're so focused on not being late that you fail to see the crack in the path until you’re tripping over it. The books in your hand go flying as you sprawl across the pavement.

“Huh, you really weren’t kidding about being clumsy, were ya?”

A pale hand stretches out before you, and just like with Ushijima, Tendou doesn’t bother hiding the soulmate mark as he grins down at you with those wide, creepy eyes. 

You ignore it entirely, waving it away as you pick yourself up with a grunt. The skin on one of your palms is grazed, and you’re pretty sure that your knees are too, but all in all it could be worse. It’s more your pride that smarts, that and the fact that of all people to see you trip, it has to be him.

“Aw, don’t be like that, baby. I’m only try’na help you!”

You scowl, snatching your textbooks out of his offered hands. “I’m not your baby, Tendou,” you mutter.

You regret the words immediately. His grin slowly widens and he makes a sound, somewhere between a shudder and a moan - it’s almost pornogaphic and wholly inappropriate and it sends blood rushing to your cheeks, but you don’t have time to think about it. 

“I’m already late, just-” you break off with a sigh, readjusting the strap of your backpack, staring resolutely at the ground. “I’m not what you want, what… what either of you want. Just leave me alone, okay?!”

Tendou doesn’t say a word as you walk away, but just like always you feel the burning stare following you until you’re out of sight. 

Somewhat stupidly, you think that’ll be the end of it. The gloves are off - you might not have said it in as many words, but there’s no point denying it any longer. They are your soulmates and it doesn’t change a thing.

There is something wrong with your bond.

But they don’t see it like that. 

They figure out your schedule, take it in turns to wait outside your classes, ambushing you whenever you’re alone. 

“I have a game tomorrow,” Ushijima tells you on a rainy Thursday afternoon as he follows you home. “I would like for you to come.”

It doesn’t seem to bother him that you walk a few steps ahead (or try to at least - his legs are ridiculously long) with your head bent down, ignoring the steady rainfall that threatens to saturate you. Tendou usually fights for your attention, grabs at your hands, your waist, any part he can reach just to touch you, but Ushiwaka seems content to merely be near - so long as you stray too far.

“I have exams to study for.”

He hums noncommittally, “Tendou will be there.”

All the more reason not to go. 

The silence between you two is heavy.

“It would make me… happy, if you came,” he tries again.

Your eyes squeeze shut for just a moment. You hate it when he does this, when he acts like you’re the one being stubborn. Like you haven’t told him, told them both to stop a thousand times before. Like they haven’t ignored it at every turn, blatantly refused to acknowledge that you don’t want them like they want you.

Shouldn’t ‘no’ have been enough?

You’ve considered reporting it to campus security, or even the police, maybe trying to get a restraining order or something like that, but what would you even say - ‘Please Officer, sir, my soulmates are stalking me’? Yeah, that’ll go down a real fucking treat. 

“Why…” you trail off with a sigh, forcing yourself to stop walking.

This time he does reach for you, taking your hand in his. It’s warm and rough from years of volleyball and hard work, and you hate that it’s already so familiar. His expression is as stoic as ever, but there’s a quiet reverence in his eyes as he looks at you, as if he can’t quite believe you’re really there with him. You suppose in another light, it might almost look romantic, the two of you holding hands under his umbrella, lost in your own little world as the rain pours down around you.

He seems to be waiting for you to finish your thought, so you buck up whatever dregs of courage you still have and try again, “Why can’t you just… move on? I don’t want this- this thing, whatever it is between us.” You sigh, tugging your hand back, “I just want to be alone, why can’t you respect that?!”

He doesn’t answer for a long moment, staring at you, his thumb rubbing back and forth along the back of your palm.

But then he shrugs, easily, as if you’re merely discussing the weather and not their continued overbearing and unwanted presence in your life. “We love you. More than anything, and despite your… reservations, we belong together, what other reason does there need to be?” He pauses, his gaze softening just a fraction, “You’ll come around eventually,” he adds.

A tiny part of you crumples at that. What’s the use in arguing with a brick wall?

***

It’s a minor relief when you walk out of your last lecture for the day the following afternoon. It might be because it’s a Friday and you, for once, have absolutely no plans for the weekend, but realistically it’s more to do with the fact that you know no one is waiting for you outside. Ushijima has his volleyball game, and Tendou will be there with him, cheering from the sidelines. 

You should be happier, really, but there’s a pit in your stomach that’s been there since Ushijima left you at your door last night. 

They’re not going to stop. 

Instead of listening to the professor talk, you’ve spent the last three hours searching university transfers. You love Tokyo University, you love Tokyo - the big, bustling city you’d gladly lose yourself in again and again, but it can’t be your home, not when they’re here too.

There’s a University in Kyoto, it has a similar program to the one you’re already in. It’s a surprisingly easy process to change - your grades are decent enough, all you have to is apply. One simple click of a button. It’ll take a few weeks for it all to go through, which’ll give you enough time to figure out how you’re gonna upend your entire life without them realising - assuming of course that Kyoto university accepts the request.

If you soulmates won’t let you go, you’ll run, and you’ll keep running. Maybe you’re wrong, maybe one day you’ll look back at them and feel that same love for them that you’d seen in your parents instead of that black, cloying unease that twists at your guts, but so long as they don’t give the choice, what options do you have?

You’re not stupid, this… thing that they’re doing, the stalking, monopolising your time, trying to drive your friends away, it’s not the end game. What happens when they get tired of you ignoring them?

“Hey, Y/N wait up!”

For a moment your heart seizes, but it calms almost immediately when you realise the voice isn’t the one you’re afraid of. 

You turn to find one of the guys from your last lecture walking over. He’s kinda cute, in a lost puppy kind of way, and he’s nice, for the three conversations you’ve actually had with him. Honestly you’re a little surprised he actually knows your name (considering you’ve definitely forgotten his) but you smile back regardless. “Hey, what’s up?”

“You doing anything tonight?”

Netflix and crashing early, but you’re hardly about to tell him that, “Not much, why?”

He smiles, and for a moment you’re taken aback by just how utterly endearing it is. He really is cute. “Me and a few friends are having a party tonight, you’re uh, you’re welcome to come. Y’know, if you’re not doing anything,” he says with a laugh, throwing in a wink for good measure.

But his smile fades a little as he catches a glimpse of something behind you. You frown at the odd reaction, turning instinctively to see what drew his attention when a weight drapes across your shoulders and you find yourself being pulled into a sideways embrace.

“There you are, baby! I was starting to think you’d gotten lost,” a familiar voice drawls. “Who’s your friend?”

You can’t see Tendou’s expression as he rests his chin on your shoulder, but from the way your classmate blanches you can imagine that it’s not pleasant. Still you have to give him credit, he only falters for a second before he’s rubbing the back of his neck and offering a sheepish smile, “Oh, hey, uh… yeah, I’m-”

“Punching a little above your weight, dont’cha think?” Tendou cuts him off with a snort, nuzzling in just a little closer. You can feel the warmth of his breath against your neck as he tilts his head to whisper in your ear, “I thought Ushiwaka told you about the game tonight.”

You shiver, although whether it’s from his softly edged words or the kiss he presses against your cheek, you’re not entirely sure. “He did, I-I told him that I had to study…”

Tendou laughs, squeezing you tighter, “Psh, is that all? Baby, we can help you study later. C’mon, or we’re gonna miss the start of the game.”

And like that he’s tugging you away. With Tendou’s arm wrapped snugly around you, you don’t even have a chance to turn around and apologise to the guy. He’s done it purposefully, a reminder you suppose of who you belong to - though for your classmate’s benefit or yours you honestly don’t know. 

Ushijima’s already on the court by the time Tendou and you arrive at your seats (front row of course) but he glances over as you both settle down and his lips quirk into the faintest hint of a smile.

It would make me… happy, if you came, he’d said.

You don’t miss the razor sharp, anticipatory gleam in his eyes, though. 

He destroys the competition. You still remember that brief clip you’d seen years ago of his brutal spike - it seems like time has only served to make it more lethal. The rest of his team is undeniably good, you doubt Ushijima would join a club made up of anything less than the best, but still, he’s in his element and without a single doubt the strongest on the court. 

For every point he scores, Tendou cheers wildly. Halfway through the second set you can see that every player on the other side hates Ushijima - if the scowls and muttered snarls they’re shooting his way are anything to go by. You can’t exactly say you blame them for it either. They’re demoralised and angry, frustrated by the huge Ace and his indomitable force and even though he’s not a part of the team, Tendou revels in it. There’s a song he starts to sing, some inane jig that flows too naturally to have been made up on the spot. You can almost imagine him on the court beside Ushiwaka, singing it after stealing point after point from the other team. The two of them must have made a formidable team on the court.

They still do, you suppose.

You’ve never been one for volleyball, or sports in general, but even you can’t deny the sense of feral anticipation in the air as Ushijima steps up to serve on match point. Tendou has his hand wrapped tightly around yours, leaning forward in his seat to watch the spectacle. You can’t say you blame him.

You might hate him, but you can’t deny that his serves are a sight to behold. Your heart thumps as he throws the balls up, runs and launches himself into the air. His legs are arched, his form perfect and you still can’t quite believe how high he manages to get considering his size -

And then he hits the ball, palm slamming into the leather with a resounding smack - it flies over the net, damn near knocks the poor Libero off his feet as he tries to save it, but even that isn’t enough to stop it. The ball ricochets off his receive, spinning into the crowd and just like that - it’s all over. 

Ushijima roars in victory, and Tendou turns to you, red eyes wild and delighted. You don’t have a moment to breathe, much less prepare yourself before his lips are crashing against your own. 

The deafening cheers of the stadium fade out. 

You can feel his racing pulse as he clutches you close, the unrepentant enthusiasm that pours through him as his tongue dances across your bottom lip, begging for entry. You’re stuck still, frozen in place as your soulmate steals his first kiss.

Somehow when you pictured this moment as a little girl, you didn’t imagine that it would be fear that floods your veins, that the soft, breathless laugh that Tendou gives as he pulls away and rests his forehead against yours would scare you instead of making you feel safe and loved.

They walk you home together. It’s unnerving enough with just one of them, but with both your soulmates flanking you you’re more on edge than usual. 

Or maybe it’s the slightly weird energy you can sense between the two of them. Tendou hasn’t stopped grinning since he kissed you and Ushijima still seems a little wired from his win. He hasn’t said much since the three of you left the stadium, but he’s holding you closer than normal, an arm slung low across your back, his fingers brushing possessively along your hip. 

God, Kyoto can’t happen fast enough. 

There’s a lump in your throat as you reach your apartment. They’d offered to take you out for dinner after the game finished - to celebrate Ushiwaka’s crushing victory over ‘those poor assholes’ as Tendou had put it - but despite the pit of hunger in your stomach, you’d politely refused. The less time spent with them the better.

Surprisingly, both Tendou and Ushijima had taken it in stride without so much as a peep.

But now you’re at the front door, keys in hand and Ushijima still has his arm draped around you. It’s not like they haven’t been in this position before, but despite all their gentle cajoling (well, gentle is relative - Tendou whines petulantly and Ushijhima just seems to hover silently like an overgrown bat) they’ve never actually been inside your apartment. 

It’s your one sanctuary, and you very much want to keep it that way.

“Y’know, ‘Toshi and I’ve been thinking,” Tendou begins, snatching the keys out of your hand before you can stop him, chuckling and swatting at you when you try and grab them back. “Me ‘n the big guy, we really do love you, baby - head over heels, heart racing, butterflies in your stomach kinda love. It’s kinda sappy, actually. You have no idea how happy you’ve made us.”

The key slides into the lock and he twists it, pushing your door wide open. His eyes flash to yours and he grins, bowing as he gestures towards the open apartment. Your open apartment.

An invitation.

You blanch. “Um, I-I don’t think-”

Stupid of you to think you ever had a choice in the matter - Ushijima’s arm is an iron wall against your back, pushing you forward as he crosses the threshold. 

Tendou follows behind the two of you, and the click of the door shutting behind you echoes far too loudly in your small apartment. He tosses the keys into the little dish on the kitchen counter - where they always go when you’re at home - and winks at you.

“I mean we are your soulmates so I ‘spose it’s kind of a given.” He shrugs, leaning back against the countertop, folding his arms over his chest. “But we can’t help but notice that you seem a little… uneasy around us. And I get it, baby, really I do. You’re just a little shy - it’s cool.”

Your heart leaps into your throat as Ushijima’s fingers curl around your jaw and he tilts your face to the side to meet his intense stare, “You’re being unnecessarily stubborn,” he elaborates.

A flicker of amusement dances in Tendou’s eyes at his bluntness. “We tried it your way - taking it slow and steady, trying to ease you in but, well… I think we can all agree your way isn’t working all that great.”

Your eyes snap back to him, “What?”

His grin widens, “So we figured it’s time we try it our way. We’ve been so good, baby! D’ya have any idea how hard it’s been to hold ourselves back?”

Ushijima’s grip is unrelenting, but that doesn’t stop you from frantically trying to fight your way out of it as Tendou pushes off the counter and stalks over to the two of you.

“You’re so fucking pretty,” he murmurs, “Been waiting so long for this. Wanted to fuck you on the tables back in the diner in that cute lil’ uniform of yours.” He smirks down at you, his pupils blown wide and dripping with lust. 

No. No, no, no! You shake your head frantically as he closes in, “Stop, wait! Let me go, LET ME GO! I-I don’t want-”

Your panicked words are cut off as Ushijima suddenly spins you around to face him. His hand cups your cheek, enveloping it entirely, and his broad thumb strokes the soft skin gently. “We’re not going to hurt you, little one. You just need to see - to feel what we feel for you.”

Whatever retort you have is swallowed up as he closes the gap between you and kisses you. He’s demanding - unrelenting - forcing your mouth open so that his tongue can taste yours. Distantly you register Tendou slotting in behind you, the unmistakable bulge that presses against your ass as he attaches himself to your neck. “Shh, baby,” he murmurs between kisses, fingers sliding to the hem of your top. “Let your soulmates take care of you, hm?”

It’s not like you’ve ever had a choice in the matter.

[nastyatticman]

1, 11, 13, 15, 16, and 17 for the oc thing!

1. What’s your oc’s most irrational fear? Is there a specific reason this fear came about?

Sidney - That at any moment he’s broken some law and wouldn’t know it until he got arrested for it. Except for being a serial killer, he’s a tax paying law abiding citizen. His public persona is so inoffensive, and he’s somewhat conventionally attractive (and constantly trying to fit in or please people), so he could probably get away with some minor crimes. This fear comes from a childhood full of getting in trouble for minor offenses, things that weren’t his fault, or things he was never told were wrong by his toxic parents. And, perhaps, some subconscious guilt around all the actual crimes he commits.

Chance - That he’ll randomly throw out his phone, wallet, or other important items. It’s because he gets bad intrusive thoughts sometimes, and even after he learned that those are okay and don’t reflect his inner character and desires, he still worries about dropping his stuff. Some of his intrusive thoughts are related to harming himself or others, which he knows he won’t do, but can he be so sure that he won’t throw his phone out of the bus and into oncoming traffic when all the windows are open?!

11. Does your oc have any interests/hobbies that they hide from everyone? Why do they hide these interests?

Sidney - Musical theatre, drawing furries, collecting souvenirs from his family “vacations”. He’s very concerned with his public image and he’s embarrassed he feels so strongly about shows like Cats! and High School Musical even though they don’t have a good plot etc etc. He’s afraid if people hear the word “furry” they’ll assume he’s some kind of sex freak. Maybe he is, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from him doodling little bunnies and warrior cats in the margins of his notebooks. And last, you may actually see some of the grim tokens he takes to remember his exploits. His family’s pretty well off so no one bats an eye at him coming back from winter break with a new jacket, much less a keychain or something small. It’s just that kidnapping and killing is generally discouraged, so only he knows how he really got them.

Chance - He doesn’t have too much shame when it comes to his hobbies etc - he either uses his wacky hobbies to get attention or weed out the people who judge him for things. However he probably has a big interest in stuff like selfshipping and x reader fanfics, but he doesn’t like to share that unless he can spin it as something wild and funny he does. Otherwise people tend to see this nerdy little guy and think, “oh, that’s kind of sad, he can’t meet anyone in real life”. Sometimes they say that to his face.

13. What’s your oc’s dream home like?

Sidney - Somewhere remote, with a bit of a cottagecore vibe. He loves the cabin his family visits twice a year, and how it’s still close to a small town with everything he needs. Prefers an area without the noise and traffic of the modern world. ...He still wants perfect WiFi though.

Chance - Somewhere big and spacious. Closer to the city, with everything he needs in walking distance. Ideally he wants to live in a nice house with a vegetable garden and plenty of space for him & his future partners to pursue their passions. He’s a bit of an introvert at times, even when it comes to his current roommates, so he doesn’t mind if things are very spaced out. Like, everyone having their own room and bed to make their own, and they can take turns sleeping with each other or something.

15. What’s your oc’s morning routine like?

Sidney - He gets up bright and early, takes a shower and does a little skincare. Then eats a healthy breakfast and starts his day. A real morning person.

Chance - Not a morning person at all. Probably clicks snooze on his alarm and spends a few minutes dicking around on his phone before he absolutely has to get up and get ready for the day. Probably grabs a quick breakfast or just buys something when he gets to school or wherever he’s going.

16. What’s your oc’s nighttime routine like?

Sidney - He sleeps kind of early, on a somewhat strict schedule. A little skincare, dental care(?), getting into comfy pajamas.

Chance - Night owl. Typically he washes off any makeup or blood on his face, brushes & flosses, and showers. Gets cozy in bed with at least one extra blanket. Spends a maybe concerning amount of time on the phone before finally sleeping lol.

17. If your oc had a social media page, what would it be like? What would they post about? How much personal information would they feel comfortable posting on it? How often would they update it?

Sidney - He has a couple! Most of them are very professional or social, in a just in case people Google him way. Like, a LinkedIn, Facebook, and an Instagram with highly curated and inoffensive pictures of him. Mostly pictures of him during milestones like his high school graduation. Doesn’t use them often but you’ll see people comment wishing him a happy birthday. He’s too shy to post much about his interests there though, even the stuff that doesn’t involve murder. Has smaller accounts on other websites where he posts/interacts with darker content anonymously. Like a dark aesthetic tumblr with pictures of forests n caves n shit. On the flip side he probably has a Pinterest, with 0 personal info abt him but several boards dedicated to cute stuff and drawings reference, that paints a picture of who he is.

Chance - He is, begrudgingly, on Facebook to keep up with boomer family members. He’s a paranoid bitch (and rightfully so), so he’s mostly on Tumblr since their data tracking and algorithm is run by a hamster on a wheel. Chance is much more personal there but also impersonal - no pictures of his face or specifics on his location, but he feels free to talk abt his kinks and shit. He’d have an edgy nsfw blog but his main blog is for fandoms & true crime. (Well, “true” in universe. He uses it to keep track of rumors about killings and potential slasher sightings.)

[nerdygaymormon]

I'm casually scrolling through Latter Gay Stories and there I am! That was a nice surprise

They took the story I shared with Let’s Love Better, added some of my pictures from Facebook, and shared on their page. 

While I’m happy about this, it is emblematic of how once we share something online, it is out of our control. I just wish they’d let me know they were planning to put it up last week. I’ve had the same thing happen to me by LDS-owned websites where they put something of mine on LDSLiving and other sites without giving me any warning.

————————————————————

Hi, I’m David

Looking back, the signs of my orientation were there from the time I was a little boy. For example, I stared at the pictures on the packages of underwear at the store, or there would be boys who I really, really wanted to be friends with, things like that. It wasn’t until puberty when I would have erotic dreams that I figured out that I am sexually and romantically turned on by guys. I denied it for a while, thought I must be defective, perhaps it can change. By age 14 or 15 is when, with great reluctance, I accepted that this is a part of me.

At church it was taught that people are like this because they lack faith, so I tried to be the most faithful person, swatting away any questions or doubts, trying to be the best in class and activities. And every little, minor mistake was crushing because it was making me not good enough for God to fix. That was a stressful way to approach life.

I had a great deal of fear to come out. I continued to try to please God. I served a 2-year mission. I went to the Church schools. While in college is when I really came to terms with this is never changing.

I remained closeted for a long time, much longer than I wanted to. The longer I was in the closet, the harder it seemed to come out because it meant admitting that so much of my life, at least as I presented it, was a lie. Staying in the closet kept my world intact. Much of my family’s life revolves around church. Being a member of this church gives me a social network, a map of life goals, and an identity. Coming out meant I could lose all of it and I had no idea what life would be without those things.

Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I finally reached the point where I was thought, “What’s the point of having a life if I wasn’t going to live?” As I was approaching my 40th birthday, I decided it’s time for a change. It was hard to share the secret I had spent my life guarding, and for a while I was very cautious and only came out one person at a time, no big announcement.

There are many things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I really like, things that resonate with me. I like that our God isn’t silent, that God answers prayers and is wants to reveal new things to us. That as individuals and as a church, we learn & progress, line upon line, always becoming better. I love the idea that the ultimate goal is for all people to be unified and linked to each other, that it matters how we treat each other because we need each other. Mormons are really good at building community and a sense of belonging. One thing that helps is the idea of all truth being circumscribed into one great whole, including scientific knowledge. Plus, this church taught me a language to understand spiritual things. I’ve learned a lot about being a better person, to serve and to be empathetic. It’s just that where church intersects with how I was made by our Creator, there is tension.

When I was 18 and the bishop spoke to me about going on a mission, I went home and prayed and asked if God could love me, love what I am. It’s really sad that a person can grow up in church and not even know that. I felt waves of love, warmth and goose bumps radiate across my body and a voice say “you are not broken.” That experience sustained me for many years.

Being gay complicates church for me. Questions that have simple answers for others are complex for me. There’s no way for me to complete the covenant path, I can’t achieve the goals that our religion says should be the purpose of my life.

In November 2015 I was serving as the Stake Young Men president when the Policy of Exclusion was leaked. I was so upset by it that I nearly walked away. Only an impression that God had a work for me to do if I was willing to stay kept me in the Church. In January 2016 my calling changed, and this is my 5th year being the stake executive secretary, which means I am in all the highest councils of my stake. This calling also means I get to meet all General Authorities who come here, I’ve interacted with 10 Seventies & apostles. I still get invited to participate in stake youth activities and have spoken to my stake’s youth about being LGBT. I had a blog post go viral and that led to hundreds of LGBTQ+ teens & twenty-somethings who contacted me to ask questions or who were hurting, and I’ve stayed up late into the night many a time trying to keep them safe. I’ve been invited to share my story on several pages and a few podcasts.

All of this is well beyond what I could have imagined in 2015 when I decided to stay. But this isn’t my work forever. I will again have to revisit the decision to stay or leave. Being in this church has caused serious mental health issues, including suicidal moments, that I’ve had to get help for. I want to love and be loved. I’m tired of going to church and then something is said which wounds, which even if the speaker wasn’t meaning to be unkind, those little surprises still sting. I want to be happy.

I have to figure out what a successful life looks like for me, what the purpose of my life is, how God wants me to partner with Him in the work He is doing in the world today.

I think back to how I felt when I prayed to know if God loves me and how that felt. I don’t think God views being gay as incompatible with the gospel. I’m certain the author of diversity has accounted for it in His Plan. I just wish this church could see it that way.

[northoftheroad]

The Robin 80th Anniversary Special

It's not a secret that I'm first and foremost a Dick Grayson fan, whether he comes dressed as Robin, Nightwing, Batman or something else. But I try to be charitable and be happy for fans of the other Robins that they got a pice of the birthday cake, i. e. the Robin 80th Anniversary Special.

For your enjoyment (?), here are my thoughts about the book. Spoilers ahead, obviously – don't like, don't read!

I honestly thought almost all of the stories were ok – but pretty forgettable. Marv Wolfman's spin on Dick leaving to become Nightwing, in "A little nudge" (art by Tom Grummett and Scott Hanna), is probably the only one I will remember and reference in the future. I don't know if or how it is supposed to fit into the (any?) continuity, but as far as I can see, it works nicely in the current setting.

Dick's parting from Robin and Bruce was successively portrayed as more and more hostile. When he originally left Robin to become Nightwing (1983–1984), the two still had a good relationship. This changed in comics to, first, that Bruce decided to retire Robin, and then to that Bruce outright fired Dick and kicked him out of the cave. This lead to that their relationship was portrayed as poor, antagonistic even, for a good many comics years.

The bad mood was picked up by Batman The Animated Series, where Dick left being resentful of Bruce and his methods.

I don't have a lot of good things to say about what has happened to the Bat-family after Flashpoint. But from what we've seen from scattered panels, Dick was the one who decided he wanted to leave Robin. You can read Marv Wolfman's story as confirmation of that. Which is nice.

Bruce is only a little bit of a jerk in this story, being utterly rigid about that Robin has to follow orders. Dick, however, chooses to stay with a kid that had been shot instead of following the criminals.

Dick has had it with Bruce's rules and leaves the cave, but he says "later" rather than "goodbye".

It's made clear that those strict rules were Bruce's way to say, "I know you've grown up, and you should move on; I'll be fine without you."

Batman # 408, where Bruce decides to retire Robin because he got scared when the Joker shot Dick, is firmly established in my mind as the "correct" leaving story in my mind. It was the only one I had read and knew of for many years, and the two still part on decent terms. But Marv Wolfman's 80th Anniversary version has a lot going for it.

On to the rest of the stories...

"Aftershocks" By Chuck Dixon, art Scott McDaniel and Rob Hunter.

Set during Cataclysm (a storyline from 1998) where Dick lived in Blüdhaven before he moved back to Gotham and became Batman. It's an action-filled story where (fingerstripe) Nightwing comes to Gotham after an earthquake has hit the city.

It's interesting to read this, living through the corona crisis that is going on right now. I don't know how it is where you live, but where I am, people are setting up networks to help people who can't go out to shop or walk the dog, University students are helping kids do their math lessons with the help of Facebook, people make masks for health workers etc. But when Chuck Dixon writes what happens after a catastrophe, Dick has to fight his way through masked thugs who are trying to rob an ambulance of "painkillers and tranks" when he tries to save a cab from falling with a damaged bridge. A woman is giving birth inside the car, and the story ends with that the mother wants to name the boy after Nightwing.

"Well...Robin works, right", he says.

"Team building" by Devin Grayson, art Dan Jurgens and Norm Rapund.

Well, I'll always soak up everything that has to do with Dick and the Titans – Teen Titans, New Teen Titans, Titans, any Titans...

Devin Grayson wrote The Titans 1999–2000, which is the setting of this story. Most of it takes place inside a H.I.V.E. locale, where an exasperated boss (Damien Darkh) chews out his soldiers after a fight with the Titans. But Darkh decides not to kill the lot of them, because they did distract the Titans while he stole a red crystal/power source. Of course, it turns out Dick is the soldier who has kept his helmet on; he takes the crystal with him and gives Darkh a bit of advice on team-building on his way out.

"Generally speaking, fear of execution isn't a great motivator. I've found basic team-building and morale-boosting to be much more effective. Like, I'm just spitballing here, but... You ever consider a pizza night?"

Well, it did keep me amused, and it shows us that Dick is a good leader and strategist, (and a great acrobat who manages to get out of the H.I.V.E. uniform with one hand, on the way out), although it isn't exactly a surprise that Dick was in the building when you get near the end.

"The Lesson Plan" by Tom King and Tim Seeley, art Mikel Janín.

Now, I do like some things about the Grayson run, but with a bit of distance, I've realized it was mostly the art. The sexualization of Dick and how King and Seely wrote him as a guy who jumps first and plans never got tiresome. This story is in-character for Grayson; Dick is accompanied by a girl (Paris) from St Hadrian's on a mission, and on the way, he remembers the lessons Batman gave him and imparts his own interpretation of them to Paris. As is Batman says, "plan everything", and Dick says "Improvise. Leap first... figure it all out on the way down." Ergo, classic King and Seeley. Also, it is possibly implied Dick made out with a beautiful girl that turned out to be gorilla in disguise...? Yep, vintage King and Seeley.

Other than that, I don't have a big problem with the story. Some things ring true to me – as when Dick remembers Batman saying, "At their core, people are cowardly and self-serving. Trust no one until you know them. And even then, never completely". And what Dick says is, "Give the benefit of the doubt until you gotta knock 'em out."

For my own peace of mind, I'm reading this as Dick is half-joking with his advice. It's not like we've never seen him make plans and be suspicious post-Flashpoint.

On a side note, one of the best characterizations of Dick Grayson to my mind is a panel from Black Mirror. When Dick explains he had injected James Gordon Jr with a subdermal tracer, and says about himself, "I am a softie. And I do try to see the best in people... but that doesn't mean I'm stupid."

Detective Comics # 881. By Scott Snyder, art Jock and Francesco Francavilla.  

"More Time" by Judd Winnick, art Dustin Nguyen.

Jason has a cute story about him repairing Thomas Wayne's watch as a present to Bruce. He started the work as a tiny Robin (too tiny, in my opinion, but with Dustin Nguyen on art it probably couldn't turn out any other way) and finished the work as Red Hood. Jason delivers the present to Bruce on his birthday, placing it on the Batmobile while it is parked in a Gotham alley.

"Extra Credit" by Adam Beechen, art Freddie E. Williams II.

Tim has an appointment with the guidance counsellor at Gotham City High School. Tim sees a future in law enforcement (that's the first I've heard of that, but I'm no expert on Tim) and he's adopted (again, something I haven't seen post-Flashpoint). But the counsellor doubts that Tim will be admitted because he has nothing to show when it comes to extracurricular activities. It's kind of a fun few pages where the counsellor suggests things that Tim could do, and Tim thinks about what he does as Robin on his spare time.

"Boy Wonders" by James Tynion IV, art Javier Fernandez.

Tim, Red Robin, is unsure what he wants to do with his life and goes to his brothers? fellow Robins? for advice.

I know emotions have been running high because Dick tells Tim that he is "demonstrably smarter" than he is, which makes it sound as if Dick is not really smart at all.

Again, for my peace of mind, I choose to read this as I want: that "big brother" Dick is encouraging, he has always thought highly of Tim, he has no ego to preserve. This doesn't make Dick a reliable narrator on the subject, and the page ends with that Tim thinks "He was the first. He's the best. He's always going to be the role model. "So, two brothers who admire each other.

Tim also talks to Jason and Tim, and the story ends with that he tells Batman he wants to start Gotham Knights protocol, the team in Detective Comics (Rebirth.) 2016-2018.

"Fitting In" by Amy Wolfram, art Damion Scott.

Stephanie, as Robin has problems because Tim's Robin suit doesn't fit her female body. But at the end of the day, Bruce gives Stephanie her own "changing room" in the Bat-cave, because she's female.

...are Bruce and Alfred idiots? Did Dick, Jason and Tim have exactly the same body type when they were Robin? Stephanie deserved a story worth being told, not this one.

"My Best Friend" by Peter J. Tomasi, art Jorge Jimenez.

Jonathan Kent writes a school essay about his best friend, Damian. As he writes the words on his laptop at home, they are illustrated with pcitures of the two as both Robin and Superboy, and as Damian and Jon in civvies. Tomasi and Jimenez worked with Super Sons (2017–2019), and though I didn't read that, I'm pretty sure this story is an extra chapter in that series.

"Bat and Mouse" by Robbie Thompson, art Ramon Villalobos.

It's not the worst story in the book, but somehow the one I disliked the most. It is part of what is going on in Teen Titans and Bat-titles right now; we see Alfred's tombstone and how Batman and Robin have a strained relationship and difficulties in communicating. I'm not keeping up with what is going on with Damian and Bruce in detail, so I really can't say whether this story is consistent with how things have been going lately. I'll let Bruce-and-Damian fans take that ball.

To be honest, my reaction to "Bat and Mouse" is probably due to that I really, really don't like what's happened in the Bat titles lately. I firmly hope that the current situation will be changed and Alfred will be alive again, and I wish I could go back and re-read this book years from now without being reminded of this very dark time when DC seemingly doesn't want any money from me for new comics...

Being who I am, I probably take it waaaaay too seriously to try to understand where/if these stories fit in the DC continuity... The writers have probably (rightly) thought more about writing a good story than making it consistent with any grand plan for a timeline for all of the DC universe. But whatever.

The Grayson story clearly happens in a post-Flashpoint universe, as does Damian's and Tim's stories. But Tim says he's adopted, which I believe has never been said outright post-Flashpoint. And Stephanie has as far as I know not been Robin in this continuity. Chuck Dixon's Nightwing story is explicitly set during Cataclysm (a storyline from 1998) where Dick lived in Blüdhaven before he moved back to Gotham and became Batman. Post-Flashpoint, he moves to Blüdhaven for the first time in Nightwing vol 4., so Dixon's story should take place in the old continuity.

On the other hand. The last pages of the book are made to look like profile overviews in the Bat-computer and use pictures from different Robin runs. If the snippets of information are supposed to be the current continuity for the Robins, a lot from the pre-Flashpoint universe is back in canon.

Shortly, Dick was adopted (that's the word they use), formed the Teen Titans, moved to Blüdhaven and was Agent 37 for a while. Blüdhaven comes before Agent 37, but it's not explicitly stated when he first moved there. Because if Dick was in Blüdhaven before his time with Spyral, it is inconsistent with parts of Rebirth Nightwing. (Which I can live with...)

Jason's story starts as the street kid who tries to steal the tires of the Batmobile, his stint as Robin was short, and today, Red Hood has formed a tenuous alliance with Batman. Tim uncovered Batman's secret and made a bid to become the new Robin – and his new moniker "Drake" is acknowledged. Stephanie was Robin for a very short while. Damian was created with genetic material that Talia stole after a romantic tryst with Bruce, and he was bred to be an assassin.

Personally, of course, I think that Dick Grayson was worth more of an effort from DC on his 80th anniversary. But on the whole, the things we got were decent, "A little nudge" gave me something I will keep with me, and several of the covers are great.

(The cover photo is still pinched from Dan Jurgens' Twitter – I haven't bought all of the variant covers.)

[itskiah]

An autumn leaf has no control, it sways in whichever direction the wind leads it. All the other leaves have fallen and now its just one leaf trying to hold on to the tree with all it's might. It is afraid to fall like the others, even though it's uncomfortable with the constant twisting and turning of the wind. The tree has become unwelcome, and uninterested in the leaf. It no longer provides the leaf with the nutrients it needs to be strong and green. The leaf is meant to fall, to cut ties with the tree, to wither away and seep into the ground and grow into something else, something stronger. Lately I've been reminded of who I used to be. A sad, lonely leaf afraid to fall. I had friends, if you want to call them that. They were mean and cold and never took accountability for the things they did to me. They made me feel small, unloved, and unworthy. They even pretended to plot my death once. And all because I tried so badly to be like them, to be with them. It wasn't my fault I was so unhappy, so uncomfortable in my skin. There was nothing I could do about it, it was just how I was born and how I was forced to live. I would tell them that each time I was upset. Tell them it's not their fault either and I'm so sorry for upsetting them. I would stalk their social media pages and see that they were all hanging out without me. Then I started to text them that I wanted to hurt myself, or that I had an allergic reaction just to see if they would answer, if they cared. I remember one time they all sat me down for an intervention. They harshly told me I'm not the victim and I was the reason I was so miserable, and that they were becoming miserable because of me. They told me they didn't want to be friends with me if I didn't change. I tried to point out all of the things they did and said that made me feel the way I did, but they didn't hear it. They debunked everything I said, told me I made it all up.  I cried, I cut, I felt ashamed. But despite this I still longed to be a part of the group, I pretended I was okay, but each time I left them I'd be overwhelmed with anxiety, convince myself I wasn't worth their friendships. Then the next day I would make damn sure I was at the pool with them all, I resented them, but if I didn't have them what did I have? I couldn't wait to go to college. A fresh start with people who don't know me, people who would see the real me. I'd see all the girls in the hallway and wish I could be like them. Unapologetic and popular, magnetic really. I'd hear them outside my door getting ready to go to parties, but they never invited me. "Why? I know I'm shy but all I need is for someone to give me a chance." But I did make some friends after all, we would be living together in a quad the following year. But these girls didn't care for the parties like I did, so even with them I felt out of place. Sophomore year I was finally invited, finally given a chance. I went to a party and I remember watching all the boys hitting on the girls as I continuously pulled my shirt higher to hide my cleavage. Why weren't they looking at me? I know I'm not pretty but am I really that ugly? I knew I shouldn't have worn that shirt it made my chest look too big and my arms looked fat and standing next to these girls really brought that out, There I was the designated fat friend there to make everyone else look better by comparison. I remember sitting on the bed in the dorm room when a girl grabbed my hand to dance. She told me one of her guy friends was looking at me, I didn't even notice. She introduced me and he asked to dance but I wouldn't let him touch my hips, he would feel my fat. He told me I was beautiful I told him he was lying. Then we stopped talking and he left with one of the "pretty girls." A few weeks later was my birthday and one of the "pretty girls" wanted to throw me a party. I didn't show because she wouldn't tell me who was coming. She told me that I was being disrespectful and that I didn't appreciate all that she had done and she stopped speaking to me. I apologized incessantly "it's just my anxiety I can't help it." We never rekindled that "friendship." Which I knew all along would happen because she never truly understood me. I thought my roommates did but they even started to show they didn't care, they stopped asking me about my vague posts on twitter and facebook. One time they even told me that what I posted was obviously about them and that "I make everything about me." Why can't anyone understand how hard it is to be me? To feel what I feel? A few days after my birthday I snuck out of my college dorm and got in my car. I had every intention to drive into a tree. Before I took off I listened to a voicemail from my aunt and cousins singing me happy birthday. I called my mom and told her I didn't want to be alive anymore. Although I had had these thoughts before, I decided this was it.  I posted on twitter and facebook that I wanted to leave this "earth." None of my "friends" replied, just a girl I worked with who didn't even know me. I was right, I knew they didn't care. Then I put the car in reverse and started driving. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that there were plenty of roads near my school where I could easily shut my eyes, and hit the gas until I crashed. Through the tears I remember thinking "they'll be sorry now." But I couldn't do it. Something inside me was afraid. "Of course even I would fail at this." It took me a while to realize that I couldn't follow through that night because I wasn't doing it for me. I was doing it to seek some sort of revenge on "them." I turned the car around, still crying and pulled into the parking spot I left from 20 min prior. My roommates were there waiting, they jumped in the car and hugged me as I sobbed. When we got back to our room, I checked my phone and had several missed calls from my mom and several private messages on facebook and twitter. People do care. After that day I became determined to start my journey  to prove "them" wrong. To show "them" all that I was worthy of all the good that life has to offer. I begun deep diving into myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors. I realized that the people in my past had a point. People in my past were not trying to hurt me, they were trying to save me. I convinced myself for so long that I was the victim and "they" were the perpetrators. But "they" were just a figment of my creation. People in my past did not say that I was the ugly, fat friend, I did.  People in my past didn't tell me that something was wrong with me, I did. So if "they" were really just my inner thoughts I didn't have to prove anyone wrong but myself. And so the journey's purpose changed. Once "they" held less power, my true personality emerged. Other's began to flock to me, I began to see myself and accept myself for the things that I am (good, bad, and the ugly.) I became an unapologetic "pretty girl." I don't need anyone else to love me as long as I love me. Realizing I held the power all along was terrifying yet amazing. I am not a victim. I am not just a leaf twisting in the wind. I am a strong and flawed woman and I matter in this world. Now the leaf has become a tree. beautiful and full of leaves. This tree has now begun to understand the tree it fell from all those years ago and whispers "thank you" in the wind. This tree nurtures it's many leaves until they are ready to fall and become their own trees

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

[thatyorkshireguy-blog]

Familia & Regrets

According to my countdown i’ve had on my phone since July.....I have 11 days and 15hrs until I land in Chile (HOLY SH*T).  Since my last blog post I’ve had to do so many goodbyes already and I have still many to get through! The closest family are the people I have seen recently.

(Fran came over in September to ‘face’ my mum )

I never thought i’d have any regrets because when you do have them, generally it’s too late to do anything about them. However over the years I’ve absolutely sucked ass at being a family member to my own blood. Never went to see my mum as much as I should, or the rest of the family as much as I should. I mean....i’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for Facebook, i’d forget half the birthdays in my life. 

I don’t mean I have ever intentionally hurt them or would never do anything to bring them harm.... I love them. I’ve just never had that ‘MUST SEE THEM’ connection, or must pick up the phone every few days.  My grandma & grandad came to watch pretty much every football game I played but when I hit my early 20′s ..... and when I stopped playing football as much, I stopped seeing them. 

Perhaps too selfishly engrossed in my own world or more obsessed with other people. I can’t put my finger on it.  My single biggest regret is not spending time with the people who helped make and shape me into the guy I am today. We see each other at Christmas, perhaps on a birthday or a special occasion, but very rarely have I visited them simply from ‘I miss you’ point of view.  When I sat there with my mum, brother and his wife the other day, It just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I felt like i’d missed about 10 years of life without them. 

When I went to see my mum she presented me with a bag with two gifts wrapped in Christmas paper..... “Merry Christmas Son..” she said. 

This was the first Christmas In 35 years I am without my mum...my brother....my family. She genuinely looked so sad and this is where things flipped in my head and started to feel what she might be feeling..... I was her baby boy and I was going far away and she couldn’t do anything to stop me......just give me her well wishes. I could feel what she was feeling and this just made me break down. My mum is genuinely scared that when I get on that plane, she will never see her baby boy again! 

However, the biggest emotional hit was to come. I’d missed a present in the bag, like the moment was set for 300% drama increase. My mum and my bro told me to reach into the bag again and open something I had missed. I opened the wrapping and there it was, a family album.  

Every single page that turned was like an emotional punch in the face, memories coming back.... moments i’d forgot existed and moments i didn’t even realise happen or even captured. I previously had perhaps 1 or 2 personal photos of my dad but now I had many. It was incredible....amazing but it also made me feel a little angry and sorry that i’d not given more to these people when i’d given so much to other people in my life. 

My Mum (Julie) & Dad (Dick)

These two as a couple were amazing. Always full of banter and constantly taking the pi** out of each other. I remember just being in awe of them when I was a kid because of how much they showed love to each other.  

My dad was a painter & decorator & my mum worked at the primary school I attended.

Back when my mum was just 15, she had a horrendous accident where she was kicked in the head by a horse. She was in a coma....

What she had to suffer with for the next 10 years wasn’t pleasant. Unfortunately from the accident half her face was smashed up and she lost an eye and received some lasting effects in other areas. My mum had no sense of taste or smell. The poor woman also spent the years where most ladies are starting to really experience life, with people staring at her, calling her names and having to feel normal like everyone else. 

What my mum probably doesn’t realise is how inspirational she really is, and only wish i’d shown her this more. 

Can you imagine after this accident what she would least like to do as a career or hobby? HORSE RIDING right?

Well the crazy lady not only continued her love for horses despite the accident, she went onto be a fully qualified horse riding instructor for several years. I’ve grown up spending my times on farms with these powerful beasts who need to be respected but WOW was my mum both brave and just incredible for achieving what she did given the circumstance.  

Unfortunately when my dad died......so did a huge part of my mum and I think this is the biggest reason I’ve distanced myself. My mum was depressed and in a way, probably still is. You never truly realise how much you miss or love something until it’s gone. I just struggled to cope with that sadness and be there for her how she probably needed. 

My dad....well this guy was my hero. He was a proper man’s man who had a temper and didn’t hold back when dealing with things. 

His friends called him Dick (His name was Frederick) - which as you can imagine going through school with a dad called ‘Dick’ was ....erm......fun. 

Even better when people used to say “So.....Julie loves Dick??? Your mum loves Dick”   Ok ........it’s funny! 

Dicky boy was quite old in terms of going into fatherhood and was older than all the other dads, but he did his utmost to make sure I was looked after and entertained. He was my biggest fan and also my biggest critic.  A Coventry FC football fan, and a lover of Pamela Anderson’s boobs on Baywatch! That was a proper Father & Son bonding programme hahahaha. 

My dad always gave me and my bro two pieces of advice.....

1. Never date or marry a woman with horses - your life is done

2. Never date a woman with big boobs. You’ll have the endless struggle of both staring at them yourself and to watch the rest of the world look at them too. 

Sage advice Father, but myself and my brother have chosen to ignore at least one of them. 

I miss that man every single day and I only wish he could be alive to meet Fran and make my mum happy all over again. 

Finally, i’ll get onto my brother, Shaun.

We are so very different in so many ways but at the same time so similar! Right now is the closest we have ever been, which again is a little sad given the time I’ve chosen to move away. 

(Blurry drunken fun with Shaun last year)

When we became teenagers, it was clear that we didn’t get on that well. Because we have different interests and different personalities we clashed and it led to fighting over friends and time spent in local pubs (We lived in a tiny village where friends were few)

As I got into my 20′s I started to need my bro more and lean on him more when I needed advice or help. Like me.. he had quite a few relationships and experiences in his 20′s but then he met someone who turned his life around. 

Shaun became a husband and a father figure to four young children.  He might not have his own kids but he has played such a big part in making sure all four have turned out amazing.  They all look up to him and have the most incredible bond. Shaun, if you read this..... you really should be proud of who you are and the guy you’ve become. Some blood fathers can’t do anything for their kids or won’t even see their kids, yet you’ve devoted time, money and most of all unconditional love to children that aren’t yours. You’re an incredible guy.

(Here’s my bro’s wedding and his clan from a few years back)

I am so very lucky to have this family around me and I deeply regret not doing more for them, but in turn I hope I can be just like them in what they’ve achieved in family life....and make them proud on my travels & in life. 

Cheers to my family, and cheers to yours. 

[beautyindisguise00]

What were you doing at 9:30 last night?

Saturday night September 8, 2018 10:40pm

Tonight the last person you kissed calls you and tells you he wants you what do you say? “yeah babe, I want you too but are you drunk?” hahaha. he’s at his brother’s bachelor’s party this weekend and we haven’t talked in a while. I told him he can’t drunk call me. lol Who was the last person to drive you somewhere? uhhh, hard to recall since I drive myself everywhere all the time now but probably one of my siblings When was the last time you cried? a few days ago. after my boyfriend’s volleyball tournament. it was small but mostly an angry cry. hahaha Are you texting the last male you cuddled with? no, because he’s hanging out with the guys this weekend

When was the last time you totally broke down? when my grandma passed away.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? money. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? not really. Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a L? hahaha. my boyfriend’s name is Lee so yes :) What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? watching tv to fall asleep What are you currently listening to? Mistresses

Are you angry with someone right now? nope Do you have any plans for the weekend? well it IS the weekend and my plans were to grocery shop and get things done with school and other things I was supposed to finish Has the last person you kissed ever took their shirt off in front of you? ohhh yeah Who were you with Friday? myself most of the night If the last person you kissed, saw you kissing someone else, would they be upset? beyond upset Are you missing someone? soooo much  Do you believe your ex cares about you? probs not. not in a bad way Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? a sweater and panties. it’s almost time for bed Do you want to say something to someone? babe, I hope youre having fun and call me soon because I miss you! Anybody you’re looking forward to seeing soon? family and friends Have you ever read an entire book in one day? nope. haha can’t do that Was yesterday fun? eh How fast does your mood change? depends really. but not too fast Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking? of course not Do you really, truly miss someone right now? I miss my boyfriend so much. I just want him to give me a call good night

Have you ever had an alcoholic beverage? yes Do you ever feel like you just HAVE to sing out loud? for certain songs - yes Have you ever watched RuPaul’s Drag Race? If yes, what makes it enjoyable?  nope

Do you own a TV? If so, what do you watch on it? just bought my own tv; watch stuff on Netflix, hulu, and tv Do you have Netflix/ViaPlay/other similar online channel?:  Netflix and hulu Have you ever watched Nostalgia Critic or Nostalgia Chick?:  uh, I’ve never heard of it What is the strangest type of food you have eaten?:  I don’t really like to eat strange food so I don’t know What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten?:  nothing really What would be your most ideal profession?:  wedding planner or teacher :) What kind of rides do you enjoy the most at amusement parks?:  any that does not flip me upside down Have you tried those coloring books for adults?:  nope What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?:  politics mainly because I am clueless about it all Someone is about to take your picture. How do you react? smile, pose or make a silly face Do you frequent any “funny pictures” site? If so, which one? uhm..nope. Do you wash your dishes by hand or do you have a dishwasher?:  by hand. Do you ever get a chance to stay home alone? If not, why not? a few times Are you/have you ever been engaged? If not, would you like to be one day?:  someday! :) Are you/have you ever been married? If not, would you like to be one day?:  again, someday! What makes a person ugly?:  A shitty personality. < Yep. <<< I agree. <<<<<lol this! What makes a person beautiful?:  someone who’s just nice :) What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?:  I don’t do anything crazy with my hair Is there a book that you are currently reading?:  currently, no Do you prefer an actual book or ebooks? Why?:  actual book! I like holding the book and turning actual pages What was your first gaming console? besides the ones my brothers had, I really wanted a wii Is there something you’re eagerly waiting for? What is it? being done with school Is there something you’d like to change about yourself? there’s a few things. Have you ever had a sunburn? Where on your body was it? nothing too bad. if anything, my nose Do you have or would you like to have a tattoo? If so, where? my cousins and I are thinking about getting a tat to remember our grandma What was the last present you gave someone? $100 Have you ever had a serious injury? nope, I’m very cautious especially when it comes to pain What’s under your bed?:  boxes What is something you’ve been meaning to get done but haven’t yet?:  studying for FORT Do you enjoy traveling? absolutely! Where do you carry the things you need with you when leaving the house?:  my purse or backpack On a daily basis, do you prefer to go by car or by bicycle? Why? car because the places I travel to are far Do you know your ancestry? a little bit but it’s so confusing Which hair color would you never want to have? full blonde What has been the most beautiful place you’ve visited? cave point or clearwater beach

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?  my freshman dorm room. on my bed :)

Are you texting anybody? I wish!

What were you doing at 9:30 last night?  something naughty with my boyfriend before he left to hang out with the guys for the weekend

Are you listening to music right now?  nope

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?  my cousin texted me about getting tats for my grandma recently

Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed?  probably

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a someone that treated you badly?  I don’t think I wasted too much time but it helped me learn about how I should really be treated my others

If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Have you hugged someone within the last week?  yes

Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips?  I am :)

What woke you up this morning? my alarm that I should have turned off.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted?  sister

Did you cry at all today? nope!

Will your next kiss be a mistake?  most likely not

When is the next time you will kiss someone? probably in two weeks.

Are you older than the last person you kissed?  nope

When is the last time you consumed alcohol?  Monday night

What were you doing at midnight last night? watching tv

Have you ever been given flowers? yes

Can you honestly say that at this point in time you’re happy with the way things are? in a way, yes

What are you excited for?  graduating in the spring

Did anyone call you babe/baby today, who?  my boyfriend via text

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? the babe has

Last time you smiled?  today

Would life be the same without alcohol? for sure

Ever had sex in the bathroom?  nope

Who are you dating? my boyfriend

Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  uhhhh, Kassie, my coworker

Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

Are you stubborn?  ohhh yes

If you took a drug test right now, would you pass?  for sure

Who was the last person to be on a bed with you?  its been a while but my boyfriend

Do you tend to hold a grudge?  not really

Who is the last person that pissed you off?  don’t remember

What’s a fact about the last person that texted you?  she’s really good at singing

Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?  no, I could not.

What was the last alcoholic beverage you drank?  mike’s hard lemonade – strawberry lemonade and then I took some weird shot

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?  yes

Who was the last person to play with your hair?  probably carter, kid from work

Who was the last person you kissed on the cheek?  kids from work

Would you ever get plastic surgery?  nope

Have you ever had so much to drink that you still felt drunk when you woke? not too often

Is there currently anyone else in the room with you? nope, just me

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? salted caramel is pretty good

What is the wallpaper on your phone? my boyfriend and I in florida

Why did you call the last person you called? to talk to him – my boyfriend

How many windows are in the room you’re in? just one

Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? nope

When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? high school for cheer season

How far from your house is the nearest supermarket? like 5ish minutes

If you could wake up and speak any language fluently, what would it be? I took French in high school but I’d say Spanish

Can you count your number of serious relationships on one hand? yes

How about number of sexual partners?  hahaha. I wouldn’t need my hands

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?  yesterday

Was yesterday better than today? sure

This time last year, were you single?  nope

Do any of your friends dislike each other? my boyfriend and best friend for a bit but now they’re good

What are you doing right now?  re-watching mistresses

Have you ever liked someone but were afraid to tell them? all the time

What happened at 9:00AM today? I was on my phone

Do you have a best friend?  my boyfriend

Are you scared to fall in love?  I was

Do you think ex’s can remain friends? some, not all.

Are you one of those people that always answer their phones? if I know who’s calling then I usually answer

Hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing? yes

Are you one of those people who gets jealous of boys/girls your current bf/gf dated? not too much but once in a while when we casually bring them up

Were you single for your last birthday? nope

Did you talk to the person you like today? for a little bit through text this morning

When was the last time you were in a car with someone besides family? friday, my roommates and I; we were going to noodles

What are you wearing on your feet?  nothing

You can get a puppy or a new car. Which do you choose? oh my goodness! that’s had. but I’d say car for now because I don’t have time to take care of a puppy since I’m not home and I cant have pets in my apartment

Is it easy to make you cry? sometimes

Think back to August, were you in a relationship? yes

Any drama in your life right now?  nope

Did you sleep alone last night?  I did

When was the last time you received flowers? What were they for? uhm……my boyfriend came to visit

Have you ever been physically or mentally abused? How did it effect you?  nope

Do you consider yourself a vengeful person? If so, why’d you think that is?  nope. I’m learning to let go

What one quality do you have that you are proud of?  I’m a good listener

When have you felt the most proud of yourself? For what reason?  chasing one of my dreams for the second time but handling myself when I didn’t achieve it

Have you ever had a near death experience? If so, how did it feel? I’ve been in one car accident before but I wasn’t that bad.

[purplesurveys]

324

What are you excited for? I have a two-week break before I start midyear classes and I’m just ecstatic at the thought of finally not having any deadlines for the time being and sleeping in when I want. I enrolled for midyear though because my depression hits me the hardest during the summer, so I wanted to do something that would keep me occupied all throughout. What is your name? How nice of you to ask. I’m Robyn. Who was the last person to talk to you? Well Audrey tweeted me and that was the most recent time someone talked to me. I dunno if that counts. Are you part Irish? I am 0% Irish.  What was your last facebook status? I never post statuses on Facebook. If I do post anything it’s always a profile photo change to promote my org.

Do you find musicians or athletes more attractive? I don’t have a preference. What is your favourite colour? Pastel pink or black. Do you email often? Very often for school matters, yes. Rarely for anything else. How was your night last night? It was pretty cool! I hung out at Gab’s dorm from afternoon to evening so I could help her with 90 packages that she had to assemble, and watched BuzzFeed’s Worth It while doing that. Then we caught the Friends finale on her TV so I made her watch it and she loved it ahhhhh after that we just kind of went from channel to channel because there was nothing to watch. At around 9 PM she watched this show she’s currently following while I took a nap. All in all, solid glimpse as to how our home life would be. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? I’d love to meet my maternal great-grandfather. He was a very respected and intelligent man. The only trace of him I see today is at our old house, where his library of law books and encyclopedias still exists. Do you own any action figures? I own wrestling figures.  Do you like reading? I used to go with one book every two weeks when I was younger. Since then school just kind of took all my time and I never got back to the hobby anymore. What's your favourite thing about your hometown? It’s in between the city and the mountains. It’s easier to get to either when you’re in between. What did you do over Christmas? I don’t remember...I also get hugely depressed over the Christmas season so I don’t make memories from it. When I was younger I wanted to be a: Firefighter. Do you have a lucky number? No, I don’t pick lucky anythings. How many vowels has your whole name got in it? Nine all in all. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A PowerPoint presentation that I needed to study for my broadcasting finals. Do you like cats? I like all animals but I have very little patience and enjoyment with cats. Do you have an iPod? Yeah from like a decade ago. I still have it, just as an artifact now haha. Are you wearing jeans? No I HATE jeans. I had an unplanned sleepover at a friend’s last Thursday and I had been wearing jeans, which meant I had to wear them for two days straight. In hot. Humid. Weather. It was torture and I’m never doing that again. Do you prefer nighttime or daytime? Nighttime. Have you got any piercings? Yes, my mom got my ears pierced as an infant. I’ve since damaged one of my piercings though. Is the window in your room open? A couple of them are always open in the summer. Do you own a gun? No. Do you chew on ice cubes? Not really, no. Do you hold grudges easily? Yes. I find it satisfying. Do you play any instruments? The recorder, I guess. Super lame. Have you ever thrown a surprise birthday party? I’ve participated in numerous surprise parties, but very seldom have I directly planned one myself. If you celebrate Christmas, do you get a real tree or an artificial tree? Everyone here in the Philippines gets artificial ones, so it was incredibly weird to me when I found out other cultures get real, actual trees. What's the last thing you watched? Brooklyn Nine-Nine. What websites do you go on more than others? Twitter. What is the hardest decision that you have ever had to make? Accepting that my first relationship with Gab was no more. I had been hanging on to it in the hopes that we get to mend it, but we were on different pages at the time and it was a hard pill to swallow, especially knowing that I exerted a lot of effort into trying to make it work.

Another one that I have in mind wasn’t exactly a hard decision to make per se, but answering university application forms and filling which courses I plan to take was a bold step for me and really solidified that I was going to be on my own from that time on. Private Catholic schools babysit you for 14 years, so filing out each form was a big achievement for me every time. How long ago did you take your last survey? Like 9-10 hours ago, I dunno. This morning. Have you ever been told you were a good writer? I get that a lot, mainly because that is my forte. What do you want to be when you're older? Financially stable. What colour car do your parents drive? We have two white cars and another that is blue. The latter drives me nuts, as I’ve always thought an all-white lineup looks so much nicer. Are you shy? Yep. Do you change depending on who you're with? No not really; the only difference shows when I talk to people I personally dislike. Have you ever liked someone and they were taken? I haven’t. Do you own a camera? If so, do you use it often? I’ve since given away my DSLR to my sister so no, I don’t use it anymore. My only camera is on my phone and I use that a lot instead. What's your biggest wish right now? I wish I could be guaranteed a happy and secure life in a couple of years. Do you believe in fate? Not really. Does it take a lot to make you cry? Nope. Do you have a Twitter? I do. Do you often find yourself eating just because you're bored? Ahahaha you got me. I make trips to the fridge every time there’s nothing to do. What are your worst habits? I have trichotillomania, so hair-pulling is a big aspect of my life and one that drives me nearly crazy. Would you rather be alone or in the company of other people? Depends on my mood. I love my own company, but my friends are my family. When was the last time you flew on a plane? Last month. Do you watch music videos? Not really. Do you ever wish you were someone else? I always wish I was richer, but I’ve never thought about being a particular person. Do you know much about your family tree? A fair amount. What is your favorite home-cooked meal? My maternal grandmother’s kare-kare and paternal grandmother’s crabs. Do you own an account on club penguin? LOL Do you like lemonade? No. Is there someone who means a lot to you but they don't know that? A lot of my friends probably think that because I’m shy most of the time and don’t really express my feelings. But like I said, friends are my established family and I’d take a bullet for anyone I take into my circle. Who are you currently talking to? Just this survey. Is money important to you? Extremely. What are you afraid of? This is always a super broad question. Uh flying cockroaches? First person to come to your mind: The first being I thought of was my dog honestly. But since Cindy tweeted me like 30 seconds ago and the notification popped up, I remembered her first. Who was the last person to call you? My girlfriend. Is there someone you trust more than others? Yes, see above.

[lalka-laski]

1. Other than the expected things, what is something you’ve done every day for the past month? Hmm... I’m not great at maintaining a routine so I can’t think of something I’ve for sure done every day. Even something like taking my supplements hasn’t happened daily. 

2. What is one way in which things have improved for you lately? I started a new skincare routine with higher quality products (bye-bye drug store brands!) and I noticed a considerable difference in my skin’s clarity and smoothness.  

3. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Binge eating and drinking are probably my most prominent bad habits. They’re a constant struggle to kick, but I try... 

4. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Nothing springs to mind. It was probably somebody at work though. 

5. Are you good at committing to things like nanowrimo or inktober? i’ve attempted some of those “X Day Challenges” on Facebook & Instagram but I’m sure I never made it to the end. 

6. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Always. 

7. What outfit or clothing item have you been wearing the most lately? My Aerie leggings are pretty much glued to my legs at this point. Oh also my mom got me this ADORABLE pink pajama set for Christmas that I’ve been lounging and sleeping in a lot. I love a luxurious pair of jammies! 

8. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on youtube, if any? It varies wildly. Lately I’ve been watching this channel called “Squirmy & Grubs” that documents the life of an inter-abled couple. It’s fascinating & feel-good! I also like DIY craft videos, and the occasional beauty or skincare vid although I try to stay away from that side of Youtube just to preserve my own self-esteem. 

9. Have you had any snow yet? Is this normal for your region? We just finally got a few decent snowfalls here, which is very late for my area. We’re usually up to our eyeballs in it by early December.

10. How would you describe your sleep schedule? CHAOS. 

11. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? If you count phone hotlines as crisis centers then, yes. They got the job done for the time being but I need ongoing, consistent support (and that’s ok!) 

12. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Well I’m kind of afraid of daily life so every morning I get out of bed and face the world is a day I confront my fears. (Look at me acknowledging my own accomplishments! WHO IS THIS GIRL?) 

13. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I am a kind and thoughtful person who considers the feelings of others. 

14. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? It goes without saying, but moving into my own apartment gave me a sense of independence and self-sufficiency that I’ve never had before. And just the entire process of searching and applying for a place, then asking for my parents’ blessing with it, strengthened my confidence. It was scary as HELL but I’m so proud of myself for doing it. 

15. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Willpower, motivation, restraint. But these are all fixable issues, right...?  16. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? There’s a lot on social media that I try to tune out, but I have this cool self-sabotaging habit where I seek out content that’ll upset me just so I can spiral. I will never understand why I do it, but yeah.

17. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? I got into some kind of debate with a guy last weekend while drunk but I honestly have *NO* clue what it was about. All I remember is my friend & sister signaling to me that the argument wasn’t worth having because the guy in question is too close-minded and incitive. 

18. When was the last time you were envious and what caused it? What types of things are you inclined to envy? I’m a very envious person, so I could take my pick here. My greatest source of envy though lately is Glenn. It’s unfair to him, because he provides MORE than enough attention, affection & love, but the green-eyed monster still gets to me. I have retroactive jealousy, so I get upset thinking about the fact that he loved other girls before me. Again, I *KNOW* this is unfair, and the love he feels for me is different- stronger- than the love he felt for them. But that doesn’t stop me from stalking their Facebook pages and spiraling into a self-deprecating hole!! Love it!!

19. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wouldn’t change much about my immediate family, but I do wish I was closer to some of my extended relatives. I have cousins & aunts I hardly ever see, despite the fact we live in the same city.

20. Name someone you miss and the last time you talked to them? Do you think you’ll ever talk again? Instead of taking the obvious, but saddest, route and mentioning someone who has passed away, I’ll say I miss Eileen & her girls. I haven’t nannied for them in almost a year now and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve missed so many of the girls’ milestones and it’s time I’ll never get back. I know this is the safest & healthiest decision but it doesn’t diminish my sadness in any way.  21. What is something unusual that irritates you? Is there anything that seems to bother others but doesn’t bother you at all? My biggest pet peeve is walking behind slow people. But that bothers most of us, doesn’t it?

22. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting my health in order. Oh, and my finances.  23. What was the last piece of candy you ate? A Reese’s Christmas tree 

24. Are you more dramatic or stoic? Oh I am HIGH DRAMA HONEYYYYYY 

25. When was the last time you wished you could take something back? Something small happens daily that I wish I could rewind & redo. But that’s showbiz baby. 

26. What was the last thing you mailed? How about received (other than bills and such)? Last thing I mailed was work-related & the last thing I received was a baby shower invite! 

27. What was the last kind thing someone did for you? How about the last thing you did for someone else? This is a trick question because I’m engaged to (and live with) the kindest gentleman in the world. Our whole relationship is just a back-and-forth of favors and cute gestures. (Am I bragging? Probably. But I don’t care!) 

28. If everything in the world that was happening now was because of something you were doing or thinking, what aspects of yourself would you have to improve to change the world for the better? I um.... do not like this question. Lol! 

29. What is your favorite thing to dream about? Nora <3 

30. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? I just started Lexapro a few months ago & I notice a nice difference in my anxiety levels. I’ve never been afraid of medication and I’m very pro-science. 

31. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Medium! 

32. Are you happy when summer ends, or do you wish it would last longer? I always have this sad nostalgia because it reminds me of the back-to-school blues of childhood. Even though I’ve been out of school for years, I can’t shake that feeling every season. 

33. How do you feel about the idea of turning 30? Or, if you already have, did your expectations or worries hold up to the reality? I’ll be 30 in just 2 birthdays and I don’t have many feelings about it. I’ve never let an age (or any numbers or stats) dictate my life, so it’s of no consequence to me. 

34. Just as a guess, how old do you think you’ll live to be? I don’t wanna answer that 

35. What keeps you going lately? My loved ones

[san-missouri]

MENGQI JI | ELLEDGE CASE REVIEW/UPDATE

Anyone who would like to receive email or text alerts for the criminal proceedings against Joe Elledge can do so through the links provided for his felony abuse case (here), or here for the murder trial. 

#SpreadAwarenessNow first broke the news of Mengqi Ji's disappearance online October 11 at 6:46 PM.

Since that time much has happened, most recently Elledge was charged with first-degree murder Wednesday in connection with the disappearance of Menqi Ji, who was last seen Oct. 8. Joseph Elledge is also facing charges of felony child abuse and endangerment. Judge Jacobs has set a trial date of April 6 for that case which will begin with jury selection in Warren County selecting from 100 potential jurors. Once that process is completed the jury will be brought back to Boone County and opening arguments could begin that night. Please use the links provided above to receive notifications from the court on these ongoing case developments.

We have followed the case closely, being the first to provide you with comprehensive, interactive, and content-rich posts and flyers focused on the facts of the case and missing evidence, and providing you including exclusive photographs, stimulating content, and critical links to resources including the authorities working the case! We have posted searchable versions of both of the probable cause documents as well as information explaining some of the case law surrounding Corpus Delicti in our files section. We have previously posted the route that Elledge claimed to have taken, and we still encourage members to look out for those missing items, or other signs of evidence that may potentially have been dumped in the Missouri or Lamine river, or in wooded areas along the route he is said to have taken.

“The suspect drove to the Jefferson City area on one trip and drove back to Columbia. During a second trip, later on that afternoon, he drove down to Ashland, over to Guthrie and back to Ashland and over to Fulton and back up to Columbia and then over to Rocheport. Those are locations where the defendant said he had gone.” -Dan Knight

Both trips described by Joseph match the location of his cell phone until the end of his second trip. Joseph told officers he drove home after leaving Rocheport, however records prove that Joseph's cell phone instead went west. Location data showed that Joseph's phone traveled to Boonville and then later the area of Highway 41 and the Larnine River. The cell phone was in the area of Highway 41 and the Lamine River for approximately 4-5 minutes. Joseph's cell phone then returned eastbound on I70 and back to the area of 2607 Eastwood Drive Apartment 58.

Police used two cadaver K-9 units as they searched the Lamine River in the area of Highway 41, with both dogs alerting to the presence of human decomposition in the river.

In our effort to completely cover the cases of Mengqi Ji and Joseph Elledge we have covered a lot of information that may provide important context to those just learn about this case, and for those of us who have been following it from the beginning, so please keep reading and check the links to find out more about this important and developing case.

MENGQI JI ELLEDGE

WAS REPORTEDLY LAST SEEN AT HER RESIDENCE IN THE 2600 BLOCK OF EASTWOOD DRIVE ON OCTOBER 8 AT 11:30 PM, HOWEVER JOE FIRST CONTACTED COLUMBIA POLICE DEPARTMENT ON OCTOBER 10, 2019 AT 3:30 P.M., AFTER HAVING BEEN CONTACTED REPEATEDLY BY MENGQI'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO WERE CONCERNED THEY COULD NO LONGER REACH HER.

Tuesday, October 8—9:30pm

Joe asserts that Mengqi was laying on the bed and despite their cantankerous relationship he gave her a back massage hoping it would lead to sex, which it did not. He states he then went to the living room afterwards to watch Youtube videos. He claims she went to bed then, and at 11:30 p.m. he went to bed. His mother Jean turns off wechat, then on October 9 - Jean's birthday— Joe claims that gone at 5am when he woke up the baby was crying and Mengqi gone.

He said her car keys were there with cell phone and wedding ring. He fed their child the same way he had·seen Mengqi do it, since he had never done it before, and went back to bed until at 8am he woke up again with Anna. Joe then wished Jean Happy Birthday via text but claims he didn’t tell Jean on October 9 that Mengqi was gone. He asserts that he did not have any further contact with his mother until 10/10/2019 when he texted her that Mengqi was gone. Shortly after sending this text, at 10:30am on October 9 he says he took their infant daughter in Mengqi’s car to Jefferson City, but then because he was not familiar with Jefferson City he got turned around; taking a wrong road and ended up going up 54 North then over to I-70. He said at 6:30 pm he said he did research on google maps to find some walking trails so he could relax, focusing on a large forest area. Sunset this night was at 6:40 pm. He then drove to Ashland, Guthrie, then back to Ashland before going to Fulton.

He stated he had a friend in Fulton and he had never been to Fulton, but then drove on 54/I70 to Rocheport. At this time he drove down to the MKT Trail at Rocheport, saying he left at 10:50pm to come back home- but we know now this is when he went on to first Booneville and the Lamine River access point.

On his mothers birthday, October 9—the day of disappearance Joe texted Jean Happy Birthday, and also texted Enyard Robert he couldn’t make it to campus, but made no phone calls. His mother Jean later testified at the bond reduction hearing that she knew Mengqi was gone when Joe told her at 8:50am on October 10. That same day at 09:06 hours he again texted Robert and told him "I'm kind of stuck at home and busy with my daughter." Again, Joseph did not tell Robert that his wife had gone missing. Around that same time friends arrived looking for Mengqi. Joseph stated the friend had Mengqi's mother on a video call and that is when Joseph first told her that Mengqi was missing. He then on October 10 at 10:51am texted his mother Jean—Have you heard from Mengqi? Then he spoke with her almost immediately thereafter at 10:51 am. Jean testified at the bond reduction hearing that “I don’t remember” what he told her during the 3 minute phone call they had at 10:51 on October 10, but that she came to the Columbia apartment immediately from her Blue Springs home because “We need to deal with this” because he was upset. Jean testified that she was in Columbia entire time from October 10-25. Additionally, during the bond hearing Dan Knight asked Jean “The defendant told you that he put Mengqi somewhere, didn’t he?” To which Jean smirked, then said “No”.

Later at 3:30 pm on October 10 Joe reported Mengqi Ji missing to the Columbia Police Department. Then at 8pm he texted his brother Richard; asked first if he knew that Mengqi was gone; then said he wanted to play games online with his that night, which they did.

On October 11 Jean turns wechat back on.

During his interview with police on 10/15/2019 (six days after Mengqi went missing) Joseph was asked where he believed Mengqi was. Joseph stated he did not want to think about it because he had class; he was in his last semester of school before graduation, and just wanted to focus on school and his child. In his full nine minute interview he repeatedly complains about the challenge of caring for his daughter, and refers to Menqi Ji in the past tense, despite the handwritten document located in Joseph's bag that showed outlined tips for interviews and included a reminder to refer to Mengqi in the present tense when speaking about her.

Many pointed out his repeated use of past tense when talking about his wife in this interview, as well as his odd mannerisms, his mention of Carthage Missouri, and even the strange discourse on his mother’s Facebook page on which (among other things) she referred to Mengqi as her son’s wife, and directed people to bring leads on the case directly to her, and refused to answer any requests for additional information from the public – choosing to either ignore requests or attack individuals with the assistance of her sister Becky Karst Jung. This oddness continued to be on display during her testimony at the bond reduction hearing which followed on November 6, 2019. It was during this hearing that the prosecution played excerpts of the audio recordings that Joe himself took on his own cellphone which clearly documents over multiple days and months his own verbal abuse of Mengqi, which his own mother is heard participating in front of the couples infant daughter. We exclusively feature the full audio of this November bond reduction hearing on our YouTube, but we warn you the incriminating recordings are hard to listen to at times.

Officers examined data from Joseph's cell phone during the course of the investigation into Menqi Ji's disappearance, and were able to locate recordings of conversations between Joseph and Mengqi. In those conversations Joseph is openly hostile and at times threatening to Mengqi. During a recording in June 2019 Joseph stated to Mengqi, "I'm ready to be done talking to you forever. " During a recording in August 2019 Joseph stated to Mengqi that he wanted a divorce but he was concerned about spending a lot of money to get the divorce. Joseph made the statement "I would like to discuss our relationship and I am kind of ready to discuss the end of it as well. " Joseph made statements about being eager to break their ties and be done. Joseph stated "I'm open to joint custody if you're staying in America." Joseph further stated, "Anna's not leaving America, I can tell you that." This statement took on a threatening tone. Joseph also threatened to stop sponsoring Mengqi for citizenship and to have her deported back to China. Joseph stated that Anna would stay with him in America while Mengqi was deported.

Officers examined data from Mengqi's cell phone and located a recording from October of 2018. In that recording Joseph and Mengqi are having and argument and Joseph stated

"Do you want me to fucking break shit? Do you want me to hurt somebody? . . . You know how I conquer nature I fucking kill it, I grab its head, break its fucking neck, that's how you conquer fucking nature. Yeah I'm.trying to be sophisticated, trying to help you guys, yeah I'm not going to live with you very well ... you 're being very unsophisticated, you're being like the natural evil bitches seriously you think you're so empowered because of this society well don't forget that nature exists. You're still just a woman and there's nature in that. There's nature in your brain ... You' re poking the bull. Don't poke the bull"

This tone is consistent with what we uncovered in his bigoted, nationalist, and racist Twitter rants which Joe defended before deactivating his Twitter. We felt his tweets offered us insight into his personality beyond his questionable smirks, odd remarks, and waggling brow as his ignorance was on full display, as he frequently ridicules people on the basis of race and ideology, and degrades women in his self-speaking tweets. Our post regarding the tweets also drew his Aunt out of the woodwork, where she engaged our community in a verbal assault, all the while defending her racist conduct, insisting that social media does not define character after we had explained at length in the comments how legal precedent says otherwise.

While much of the comments have been removed from the live page, and Joe deactivated his Twitter subsequent to our post, we have preserved them both for posterity, online and on other secure devices. Since posting an update which again included these tweets, we have again begun seeing Elledge relatives active in our Facebook group, from as far away as South Dakota, and they have begun a campaign of reporting our group ironically for "hate speech" on account of displaying the same racist tweets they once defended!

October 18 at 10:30am the Elledge's had their first appointment with defense attorneys. Jean’s sister Becky Karst Jung said on the 20th in our group that she knew more than the public did and was already calling Joe a suspect. They then hired their criminal defense attorneys on October 21. This was before Joe was arrested on the child abuse charges and before they even knew about the child abuse charges..

October 25-We later learned from the probable cause statement that at the time of his arrest he was found to be attempting to leave the area with his mother Jean and daughter Anna (this is likely why the motion was later made and granted on 11/1/2019 to prevent Jean from lawfully removing Anna from the state of Missouri), and from the cab driver we learned that Jean was left with Anna in her custody at that time of his arrest. Jean was sitting in the back of the car to go to Blue Springs with Joe and his infant daughter. When asked why they weren't looking for Mengqi she then said that they were going to put up flyers in Kansas City that weekend. She asked to talk with her attorney.

Joseph Elledge has been in the Boone County Jail since October on child abuse and child endangerment charges. The abuse was uncovered as detectives were looking for clues in the disappearance of his wife. Officers examining Apple IPad located pictures of bruising on a child's buttocks that were sent via email on 02/18/2019 at 11:44 by Mengqi. She sent three different photographs of bruising via email. Other photographs of injuries on a child were located on the IPad but were in a thumbnail format that was too small for detail. The normal accompanying full size image was not present which is normally due to the photograph being erased. Joseph had access to the IPad for approximately one week prior to officers gaining control of it. Officers examining laptop computer located two pictures with two accompanying videos of bruising on a child's buttocks. The photographs were located in a folder used for backing up photographs from an IPhone. The photographs were taken on 02/12/2019. On 10/25/2019 Joseph advised, post Miranda, that he did bruise approximately 7 to 8 months prior while trying to get his daughter to stop crying. The bruise in the picture covers one side of the buttocks and is purple blue and yellow.

His bond is set at $500,000 cash-only in that case, which most recently had a hearing in the child Thursday morning and is set for trial April 6.

Information about Mengqi Ji

Last Known Location Map

Height: 5' 1" (61 Inches)

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Black

Head Hair Description: Shoulder length, usually worn in a bun.

Piercing: Both ears

Accessories

BLACK PURSE WITH WHITE STARS

Footwear

BLACK NIKE SHOES

Case number: 2019-010707

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[faz3fazza]

I agree to a point..

.. but don't think so at all, why bother about it too much btw if it's just gossip right? 😉 ok I hope you understand, I've watched this phenomenon for some time, I've been away for some months here too 🤷🏻 it's always cooking up out there, me ignoring or not, being here or not.. and I for myself am just a tiny blogger on a tiny little blog 🤷🏻 the real nonsense is all out there either way, partly spread around by some intriguing & manipulative minds, same malicious as those scammers who play on his followers, in a big big way of deal.. Maybe I'm overprotective, maybe I'm overreacting.. I'm just a human too ☺️ but in my opinion, frankly, something slowly needs to be done, some people need to calm down a bit, take 1-2 people and first of all: clean up a bit on Instagram, half of the nonsense stuff is shared there, some other on Facebook & the rest by individuals, obviously from your region too 🤷🏻 my hope is just that some will maybe rethink 🤔 their words or actions for it is a poor try of harm at all, except those who are really clueless, like me 😉 if it's about ignoring so it stops, don't think at all - it'll stay noisy eitherway, if the involved persons like Fazza chooses to ignore all or blend it out - I fully do understand that, I always said none has to prove anything, none has to clarify just because some people gossip 🤷🏻 people should focus on him/them as the good person he is/they are, the character behind, his/their actions at all.. it's just kind of more & more awful with all that speculations & in my opinion none deserves this.. if it's nervy, disgusting.. yes of course, even for me sometimes, my 👀Dr. would have to find a solution for chronic 🙄 so I doubt he's happy with such gossip in general but he's sadly used to it since yrs too 😔 don't you say it's my fault and even none will thank me (lol really? I'm not that kind of human to expect anything this way 🙀) I simply feel to enlighten or clarify some things from time to time 🤗 can't watch people who naively believe everything without research or watching the bigger picture at all 🙏🏻 some people, not the 👹, forget that such public gossip on his or directly to him related pages could harm a human too, especially on days when oneself as any human is in a glum kind of mood too 😔 the 👹 don't care about anything or anyone but themselves.. Now please no award for this essay (this was a joke btw 😹) I'll try to not go too much into too heavily or sensitive questions, or those who make no sense or repeat & repeat, and keep it light as it should be, even I think that the questions like the answers matter not much at all, Fazza is a strong character 💪🏻 same as family, even they live a life, with lots of duties and tight schedules each day, many of us can't imagine, for we see only glimpses at all.. I too pointed only out in case of some rumors that it's no sensation at all to see him engaged or married one day, it's sth beautiful at all & what matters most is him & him close people, I for myself would be simply happy ❤️ so can others too, no matter how much curiosity kill them all the time where when who 😄

But coming or sending people here (if) to kind of defend but in an overly shameful, bad vocabulary way or to try to threaten someone by warnings about some national or work place laws is a bit weak, if one really cares, one would honestly approach in a kind way and just ask 😉 direct messages exist too. So whoever you are, you may maybe care in a way of him/them or still make it just up, sorry but I don't know 🤷🏻, then you should think about your appearance or a nicer tone too, it's helpful sometimes, thanks & have a good night 🌜 let's leave this finally behind & move on, and it's his birthday soon ☺️ no matter what you assume, I same as many others always wish him happiness (did that sound a bit 🐌y now 🤔😂) even we're 🙅🏻👊🏻🥊 or talk, the rest is innocently out of any consciousness

[outoftheready]

Let’s Get Started (Originally posted elsewhere on June 13, 2019)

    Music is a big part of my life.  A majority of people (at least those I know) would say the same thing. A favorite band or a song that someone feels defines a part of them. Songs can help you through a rough time. A song can lift your mood. Songs create this narrative for us that we sometimes can’t explain ourselves. We create playlists, in our phones, iPods, Spotify, Apple Music, whatever your favorite platform is. Some even still make a mix in CD form. We can share these songs, keep them to ourselves, even force these songs on others. “Listen to this song. It’s so me. This is my life!” I have tried to share songs quietly by sharing them on Facebook or slipping into a mix I’ve given to someone hoping something in the lyrics would click with them and hear me in the song.

     I’m also big into story. I once made a 3 CD mix for a girl, taking lyrics from the songs and turning them into a story for her. I never gave it to her. It would have been weird and possibly inappropriate. I’ll reveal why in a minute. I find songs all the time where maybe one line resounds with me, and it brings out a little bit of my life. I have a playlist of those songs and one day while listening to that playlist a thought came to mind and wondered if I should take those bits of songs and do something with them. Should I start a blog? I used to have a Tumblr, but that might not be the best place. That Tumblr hasn’t been active in about four years though. There are some people who know/knew about it and I’m not ready for some of them to know what I’m going through.

    All my life I’ve never liked who I am. It all started to hit pretty hard over the past year. Some friends were able to tell and had many people asking if I was alright. I would tell them I was fine or had just a little anxiety. Never once in my life did I feel normal. I always hated myself, my body. I was considered a tomboy, probably thought to be a phase by most. Once one of my great-aunts had asked my mom, “What if she is a lesbian?” I was pretty young when my mom told me that and I knew then that I wasn’t. I knew that I felt like a boy. In my heart, I was a boy. Being gay would probably be a whole lot easier than being transgender. There are so many things that will change and everyone will have to get used to it or just not be part of my life. Someone one day posted or liked a tweet by this guy with a goofy profile picture of him wearing tiny sunglasses, I was intrigued. I looked to see what he was about and found out he was this transgender guy, I may have hesitated a little but followed him immediately. There was a lot of wondering on my part if I should continue to follow him. What if my Christian friends looked at who I follow? What if I liked one of his tweets, or responded, or even worse felt compelled to retweet something? What will happen if I get found out? By following him I have found other trans guys and a watched a bunch of videos. I have found out so many things. There is more than just testosterone injections, getting top surgery to remove these things on my chest I carry around, more than just a voice change.

    I wrote this horrible Cliff’s Notes version of my life and let a few friends read it. I even came clean with a now former friend of some feelings I had for her. I’m sure I must have done something else other than revealing that to make that friendship end the way it did. Parts of that week are kind of a blur. It was so stressful finally getting all this bottled up mess out. It’s a little embarrassing actually. Maybe it shouldn’t be. I wish I knew what it was that I did. I had to write my story. I had to let her know. I had to get it all out. If I didn’t I knew I would get more anxious. I know I would get even more depressed. I knew I would begin to completely loathe who I am and everything about my life. I didn’t want that. I don’t think I could deal with that. I knew I needed to get better, to not hate myself any longer. To feel like a person.

    One of the hardest parts of going through this is that I’m in my late 30’s and have never talked about this until 9 months ago. The other hard part is I work at a church. That’s where I met the girl I made the 3 CD/story mix for, and that was yeaaaaaarrrrrrrrrssss ago. I’m not a pastor or leader of any sort really. Recently the church (more like that pastor) has been softly going after gender identity and it hurts-they don’t understand. I heard someone once say something along the lines of, “If you feel upset about it in your spirit it’s the conviction of the Holy Spirit.” I used to just roll my eyes when they would speak out against homosexuality because I knew they didn’t understand and/or didn’t want to. Now that it seems like they are losing that fight, the religious Christians are gunning for those who struggle with gender identity. It hurts. It feels so hate driven. Maybe they don’t mean to be that way. Maybe they don’t know they sound that way. And with every “amen” I hear it tares me down. I can feel the disgust. I can imagine the look of disappointment in the faces of those who used to be so happy to see me and want to hug me. Or the fake love they will give. And, the discomfort I feel is not the conviction of the Holy Spirit, it’s that lack of their understanding. It’s that judgment I feel from the tone of their words. The discomfort I feel is their unease for those like me and all the other types of people in the LGBT community.

    For over 30 years I’ve struggled with who I am. For nearly 30 years I’ve had kids asking if I were a boy or a girl. I knew I hated who I was from an early age. Those many birthday candle blowouts or first star I see tonight wishes to be a boy. In kindergarten never playing dolls or house with girls on the other side of the room. Except for that one time I tried and that probably lasted all of two minutes, then went right back to playing on the slide and painting on the easel on the other side of the room with the boys. In first grade stealing a baby bottle nipple and fixing it to where it would need to be for me to stand up and pee. It worked surprisingly well. I then didn’t know what to do with it because I tried it in school during a restroom break and threw the bottle nipple in some random corner of the girls bathroom. Somehow one of the girls saw my feet facing the toilet and for years would tell me that she saw me peeing standing up. It was always when there were other kids around and I would get so embarrassed. For years I’ve been holding in this sadness. Holding in my fears. Letting it develop into a painful anxiety and depression. And to be honest I never thought I would make it this far in progress and in life. I used to pray that if this was all wrong that God would give me cancer so that I could die.  I’m still here.

    I’m in therapy now. It’s been helping me tremendously. But writing things down has always been a way for me to really get things out because I can think about how I want to say things. I’m not always good at getting things out while talking, I shut down. Recently though, after being open about things, it’s a little easier to talk. And, what the fuck is up with all the damn crying that comes with it. Fuck me. I have cried more in the past year than I have in probably the past 15 years. I guess I’m finally finding my way out.

    Being a very scattered thought person, I am writing multiple posts at the same time. I will try my best to not repeat things and if anything is ever confusing I apologize beforehand. The girl I am no longer friends with, in our last texting conversation she said something like I was just trying to get attention and acting like a middle schooler, I almost didn’t do this out of fear that it would look like I was trying to seek attention. I’m not. I’m just trying to get better. And I’m not sure if every post will have a relatable song or if every post will have a song, but I’ll try. If there is ever a song you think fits with a post or maybe a song you think I would enjoy go ahead a let me know. Please ask me questions. Even the dumbest questions. And If your a friend of mine keep on me about getting this stuff out. I kind of hate that I’m finally posting this during Pride Month. Mostly because I don’t want it to seem like that is why I’m starting this. It’s merely a coincidence that this is getting posted now.

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense? I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy I guess I figured that it hurts for a reason I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down Not just in stories but the letters in between And I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything To self-examine I think the thing is that I shut off from everything From friends and family and my own ambitions From having fun I just shut off from everything Self-defeating? Yeah, probably

“A Letter” by La Dispute

My friend, don’t look down

You’ve got to face what’s in front of you now

Don’t waste your time making excuses

Cause son you’re about to find out

You might just figure out

What you’re made of

“Not Fair” by Bayside 

Don’t let them break you.

Don’t let them tell you who you are

“Bamboo Bones” by Against Me!

[littledonkeyburrito]

Another one. If you ever wanted to learn about me, now is the time.

Have you ever been in your kitchen naked? Often Do you have any idea how to make cotton candy? If I had the machine I’m sure I could figure it out Would you rather go a week without showering or brushing your teeth? Teeth. This time last year, what was your relationship status? Single When was the last time you went to the mall? Saturday

Do you like the smell of coconuts? Yes, especially after my sailing trip through the San Blas Islands. We drank so many coconuts that we had literally just picked up and smashed open on a rock. We also cut some open and added spiced rum which was always a good idea. Who else in your house is awake right now? There is nobody else in my apartment. If you were in school, would you rather write a paper or take a test? I did a lot better on exams. How many of the Harry Potter books have you read? All of them

When was the last time you checked your MySpace? oh wow I have no idea. I think I deleted my page when I was like .. 15? Look out your window. How many people do you see? 6. I live in the inner city so there’s always people around Where was the last place you bought a clothing item? Mango

Are you the youngest person living in your house? Well I’m the only one, so yes. How many piercings do you have? Just my ears Could you honestly say that you’re a virgin? I honestly cannot even close to say that What color is your front door? White Did you reject or accept your last friend request? Accept I think Have you been suspended this school year? I haven’t gone to school in a long time. I only got suspended once, in year 10. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? Climbing things probably. I don’t remember Are you wearing any socks? No Can you play pool? I know how but I am super bad at it.

What’s the most relaxing thing you did today? I slept for a long ass time

Do you shop at the grocery store closest to your house? No. The closest big one is like a 10 minute walk and it’s right on the tourist strip so it’s expensive and full of tourists. I catch the metro to a cheaper one which actually involves less walking. Which one of your guy friends is the best looking? Idk let’s not go there

What does your car smell like? I don’t have a car anymore

Who could make you feel better right now? Probably any of my friends

Have you had an epiphany lately? I don’t think so What color shoes are you wearing? None

Which one of your friends is the most brutally honest? Hehe gotta be Maggie

Do you have anything to say to your ex bf/gf? Nope In what year will/did you turn 21? 2015

Who was the last person you gave a birthday present to? Gloria

Puedes hablar español bueno? No hablo bien, pero es suficiente para vivir

Which day of the week do you watch the most TV? Just netflix and any day

Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? Probably Green Day because I never delete anything and I’ve been accumulating stuff since I was 16

What’s the closest pink object to you? I think the only pink thing in my apartment is a pair of bright pink chopsticks

Do you really weigh the weight on your driver’s license? Driver’s licences have weight on them? I don’t think mine does. It probably hasn’t changed much anyway

What’s your favorite non-carbonated, non-alcoholic beverage? Fresh orange juice, or cold milk tea

What’s the most epic thing you’ve done so far this month? One of several adventures in Panama at the start of the month. Ziplining approx 200m off the ground through the forest was pretty rad. Also fun was sneaking around and sleeping with my tour guide without anybody in the group finding out. And of course that crazy mexican restaurant in Panama City is fucking wild. Last week I did cocaine in my boss’s kitchen on a wednesday night so I guess you could call that epic too. It’s pretty a pretty interesting month actually.

Big Mac or Whopper? Big Mac

What’s your favorite vacation spot? So many good places. I think Panama City may have topped the ranks but other noteable places are Essaouira and the High Atlas Mountains in Morocco, Granada and Madrid in Spain, Cartagena in Colombia and Tolou Village in China.

What color underwear are you wearing? Purple. I don’t know why but almost all of my underwear are some shade of purple.

Have you ever slapped anybody? Yeah but jokingly

What are you listening to right now? General street noise

Where will you be in six hours? Still at home, probably still on the couch

What do you wish you had more time to do? I wish I’d had more time in Central America

Who was the last person to ride in your passenger’s seat? Fuck that’s thinking back a fair way. I haven’t had my car since January so I don’t remember

Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? Only Mum ever drove my car

Which one of your friends will be the most successful? I hope we all do alright How old will you be on your next birthday? 24. Shit I had to actually think about that and do maths in my head.

What store did you last shop at? Alcampo

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? Definitely not

Do you like someone? I guess so

Are you happier now or three months ago? Probably equal

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? I didn’t go back to that shitty job.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? idk probably never

Do you think you’ll be married in ten years? No idea

Does your ex still love/like you? Doubt it

Are you stubborn? At times

Do you tend to hold a grudge? No

Where were you at 9am this morning? In bed

How has the week been? Better now that I quit that job.

Did you go out or stay in last night? Stayed in.

Something you do a lot? Sleep

How many states have you lived in? I guess only one because the UK has counties and Spain has provinces

Can you commit to one person? Probably, never tried

Who was the last person to hold your hand? The boy in central america

Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in 10 years? I hope so

What do you miss most about your ex? His sweet sweet abs

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yes.

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? He has a lot of scars

Something you really want right now? A job I actually enjoy

How long have you liked the person you like? uhh since I met him about a month ago I guess

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Nobody saw that kiss but I think his friends probably saw us kiss earlier in the evening

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Like a proper crush? Not since I was in australia I think

Are you happy with the way things are going? Eh, could be better but could be a lot worse. I do okay.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Probably not

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Just looking online for jobs and probably bingeing on netflix

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn’t? A friendship ended but tbh I’m pretty indifferent about it. Hadn’t really known him that long and he was starting to get annoying anyway.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? No

Do you and your last ex hate each other? Depends on definition of ex. I don’t hate anyone but they might hate me..?

When was the last time you were sick? I had a cold a couple of weeks ago

Are you one of those people who are always cold? My feet get cold easily.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? Nah, I spend it all on travel.

Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Ehhh I guess so

When was the last time you got a haircut? About 2 months ago

Did you sing at all today? Yeah

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? No.

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Isn’t everyone faster on the computer? I’m still pretty quick on my phone though.

If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? I’d go with a friend probably.

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? Skinny.

Honestly - can you say that looks don’t matter at ALL? No because there’s so many cute people in the world

Have you ever changed clothes in a public area (not a dressing room)? Yeah

How many months apart is your birthday from your best friends? About 6 months

Yes or no: Techno music? Nah.

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? My dad used to be a jeweller so I’m very desensitised to the idea of them.

Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah but not just a moustache. There’s always been other facial hair to go with it.

If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? Probably not

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a letter P? I don’t think so

Did you talk to one of your best friends today? What did you talk about? Yeah, about how I keep forgetting how dirty the lyrics to Despacito are and whenever I read them or actively listen to the song I’m shocked again.

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? Funny

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? Sometimes

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? No

How old is your oldest cousin? 24 but my brother is the oldest in the family of our generation

What if you saw your best friend holding hands with your ex? That would be confusing

Your last relationship, who dumped who? Mutual

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? 14. Lasted like a month. Then no others until I was 20

Is your home town nice? It’s a beach town so tourists really like it but the only benefit it has for me is that my dad still lives there.

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? I’d wonder what he was doing in Spain, firstly. But honestly he’d probably just make it a hilarious experience.

When/where did your last hug take place? No idea

Do you consider yourself mature enough to make your own decisions? Well I’ve made plenty of life-changing decisions on my own, such as dropping out of uni, quitting my job, learning a new language, moving to a foreign country, travelling on my own, etc.

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? I don’t know much about my mum’s history although I’m not sure she had much before dad. I know a bit more about my dad’s history and actually I have his first wife on facebook because we went to see her (and her current partner) when we were travelling in the south of spain a few months ago.

You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Well I don’t have any friends in this country, so...

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? Several

Do you think someone has feelings for you? Are these feelings returned? Honestly, I am unsure of how the central american guy feels about me. At first I thought we were just hooking up but after our last day together I got the feeling that he liked me more than that and then it made me all confused so now I don’t know how to feel about him.

What if the last person you texted were to ask you out? Last message I sent was to a small group chat consisting of me and two of my friends who are engaged to each other. So that would be weird

Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? If so, where? And why would you prefer to be there? I want to be travelling. It’s cool that I’m in spain but because I live here I never really get up to adventures. 

Can you remember what you dreamt about last night? Uhhh I think I dreamt that my little cousin was blind.