#and has to reckon with a lot of repressed feelings

[transgamerism]

how do y’all imagine wyll reclasses after losing his warlock abilities if he breaks his pact with mizora? i can imagine the blade of avernus, for example, being an oath of vengeance paladin.

[lavendersixer]

my mystery trio AU headcanon (Fiddlestan):

- Fiddleford finds out one day that Stanford has a twin brother, and was like "how have I known you since uni and you never once mentioned this" (Ford probably got drunk and blurted it out).

- Fidds also finds out about the whole "Stanley is estranged after being kicked out by our father" bit.

- Fidds really values family and he's kinda torn up with guilt that he left his wife and newborn to be here in the first place. He persuades Ford to invite Stan to Gravity Falls so they can make up (family therapy by proxy).

- Ford is aroace and Fidds is VERY repressed homosexual. The teeny tiny crush Fidds had on him died out in college because Ford doesn't want him like that.

- But when Fidds sees Stan.... wow. It's everything about Ford he was attracted to but BETTER. He's completely enamored. He's also taking the "am i gay" quiz STAT.

- Stan sees Fidds and practically has a cartoon AWOOGA moment. He's smitten at first sight, will do absolutely anything for this damn engineer.

- Stan is very open about his sexuality because in his mind, he has a lot more to worry about than who he fucks.

- Stanley wants to make amends with Ford because he never truly hated him, not really, and he knows it was mostly their father's fault anyway for favoring Ford.

- Stanley originally thinks Fidds and Ford are together just by the fact that they're grown men who moved in together. He thinks the whole "lab partner" title is an elaborate cover up for what's really going on. (It was the 80s.)

- And he's honestly a bit jealous, something something about Ford always being preferred over him. (He's very mentally ill okay...)

- "Oh no darling, Ford and I aren't like that"/"🙂"/"Between you and me, I reckon he doesn't have those types of feelings for anyone..."/"😄"/"Besides, I got my wife and kid at home"/"🤯🤯🤯😨😨☹️☹️"

(sorry guys i can't type in a southern accent)

- Fidds calls people pet names casually, makes Stan melt inside and also throw up.

- Fidds gets a letter from his wife serving divorce papers

- Stanley outside: ☹️☹️☹️ Stanley inside: 🤩🎉😍

- When they finally open up about their big fat crushes on each other Stanley is just so overwhelmed because for once in his life. HE is the first choice and not his brother.

- And during all of this Ford is off having a queer platonic situationship with a triangle

[eddiegettingshot]

most of the time i don’t even think it’s worth engaging with this stuff because it’s stupid and continues to illustrate a lack of understanding about. stories and fiction and such. but like. the new Thing from people who don’t like eddie or buddie or whatever is being like “eddie stans care about a sexuality arc more than anything else! it’s always about eddie’s sexuality! there are other things to explore!” and the thing is that yeah, i’m sure there are people who are only interested in him being gay (which is fine?) and yeah, obviously there are other things. but like. the thing that people forget in a myriad of ways is that eddie is not buck. for a character like eddie, defined by lifelong expectations and repression and a very specific struggle with the idea of Family, the symbolism of his sexuality holds a lot more weight than the just the fact of his attraction to men (in his STORY, not in-universe!). this is not to say that buck can’t or doesn’t have complex feelings about his bisexuality, but insofar as his actual character arc, his coming out doesn’t actually touch much on a lot of the things he’s been reckoning with as a character: what his purpose is, his parental trauma and abandonment issues, his struggle to actually recognize his wants, his pathological need to please. but for eddie, coming out could and would involve a lot of that specific character growth: reckoning with the expectations everyone has always had for him, being able to self-discover, accepting and putting his wants and needs first for once rather than repressing them, rethinking what a family might look like and his place in it, maybe understanding some of his own mistakes, and continuing to be the best version of himself for his son. like yes he will also be into men and into buck specifically but this is all eddie’s specific baggage; his sexuality is a representation of his Whole Self, rather than the repressed self that caused him and the people around him pain. that’s why it’s so important to eddie understanders to see it 🫶🏽

[thornfield13713]

Biggest issue with Angel, one two three go

The high-handedness and self-justification, definitely, but-

I will say, the self-justification is interesting, because I can sort of see where it comes from. He is consumed by guilt for what he did as Angelus. Fair enough. He feels that, because of this, he has no right to make selfish decisions, which is-

I mean, I get the impulse, but you do need to make decisions that are good for yourself in order to live a fulfilling life. And Angel has a tendency to reason himself into the idea that any decision he makes is being made for someone else's good, rather than his own.

Like- do I agree his relationship with Buffy was a shitshow? Absolutely. But the way he broke it off with her fucked her up for years afterwards because of his framing it as a sacrifice he was making for her. Whereas if he had just said that staying in Sunnydale, carrying on the way they had been, wasn't something he could do anymore, that this wasn't a relationship he felt he could be happy in because of all the Angelus baggage and the fact that...really, he doesn't seem to have much going on in Sunnydale except Buffy...I feel like that would've been...in the moment, it would have hurt about as much. But it would probably have caused less long-term damage.

Likewise, taking back that day in 'I Will Remember You'? I don't actually mind it as a decision. Whether he is a human or a vampire is, at the end of the day, his decision to make, because it's his life and he gets to choose how he lives it. Telling Buffy about it so that she spends her last moments of this life crying and pleading with him not to was cruel, however. And so was not being open with her about why he was doing it - it's pretty clear he was having issues with not being able to fight beside her as well, not wanting to give up that vampiric strength and speed even while he desperately wanted to walk in the sunlight. He claims he did it because she would die if he stayed human, but...he never really followed up on what she would die of, whether his being a vampire could help with that. And, as it turned out, it couldn't. She died anyway. But he still frames it as him making a tragic Buffy-related sacrifice because, on some level, I don't think he can take ownership of his decisions being made for any reason other than pure selfless sacrifice to atone for past crimes.

Which is an interesting character flaw! Like- I don't like Angel on Buffy particularly, I never really got into his show, though I might try it once I get through season 3 of Buffy (I have been putting off finishing 'Becoming' parts one and two for a while just because Buffy's pain in that episode is just...so painful, and I'm having a rough enough time right now already, but honestly I might go back and watch them now). That doesn't mean I don't want to stick this repressed, fucked-up little Catholic man in a jar and shake him, because all the ways in which his redemption arc is...messy, and complicated, and involves him still doing a lot of shitty things to the people around him because of the way he thinks about that redemption arc...I love that shit, that's fascinating to me.

But I don't think he's ever going to actually get there until he reckons with the fact that he can make selfish decisions sometimes without it being the end of the world, and trying to justify every decision as selfless actually does more harm than good.

[buddiesmutslut]

I know I've said it before, but I think this upcoming episode is going to be so interesting, even if we don't get Queer Eddie OR BT Bones (neither of which I'm fully convinced are going to happen on Thursday), & it's really for this one interesting phrase that Ryan & Oliver have both used.

They have both mentioned "rose-colored glasses" when it comes to Tommy & Shannon, and I would argue that they each have to reckon with these relationships before we can have any movement towards Buddie.

Eddie thinks that Shannon was the love of his life, that he failed her and has to carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life. I believe that Eddie placing Shannon on a pedestal is partially what's stopping him from realizing his queerness (along with the catholic guilt and repression, but a lot of that is also tied up in Shannon & their failed marriage.)

Buck's convinced that his big feelings last season were all about Tommy, and I'm not saying that some of them weren't, but I don't think it'd be too far of a stretch to say that he figures that he's in this relationship now and that obviously everything is fine now. He figured out this part of himself and he's dating a man and that means everything is Fine and he absolutely does not need to do any further digging or searching or learning, despite the fact that he and Tommy don't really seem to like each other all that much, nor do they seem to be all that compatible.

Buck has to reckon with the fact that realizing his bisexuality and immediately jumping into a relationship with a man that he wasn't even sure he wanted (his speech at the coffee date) might not be the solution to all the problems he's had, and Eddie has to deal with the fact that Shannon was not perfect, that what she did was not the same as what he did, that she's responsible for her own actions and that this romanticized vision he has clung to of their lives is not real and is not consistent with the actual relationship that they had.

There's a Divorce Arc this episode - which I'm begging does something with Eddie - and an uncomfortable truth learned about Tommy's past; it's not completely out of left field to assume that the Rose-Colored Glasses come off this episode.

And the fact that it's happening for them BOTH, at the same time? In the relationships that I think are the biggest obstacles to them realizing/accepting their feelings for each other???

I'm never fully convinced they're actually going to go there with these 2, but it will be SO interesting to see how this episode plays out, regardless.

[tainbocuailnge]

Another thing that's... kinda odd about the English translation is in the DRK quests, Myste says "A reckoning will not be postponed indefinitely", which is a big line in basically a secret route of the browser game Fallen London. and yeah, it is a cool line and neat to hear it in FF14... it also doesn't really work for Myste? In it's original context, it's about the remains of a dead demi-god-like being, which was cast into a well, seeking a reckoning and leading the player down a route which will irreversibly destroy their character in pursuit of dark secrets.

Which is not what the Myste sections of DRK were about at all, lol.

oh I could rant for hours about dark knight translations. that questline is actually why I first went to scope out the german script, because I heard drk wildly differs between english and japanese and that german generally stays closer to japanese than english does. I translated some of the fray parts here actually, though you'll note I'm a lot more forgiving of the english script in that one because i hadn't reached sidurgu's parts yet löl

german fray and myste are just completely different characters from english. german myste is upbeat and energetic. he loves people who help others and feels a strong urge to help them in turn. he spawned from the dark knight crystal in response to the loneliness of countless dark knights stored within it so he could console them and be their friend, he's basically the will of the soul crystal itself. he tries to alleviate that loneliness by facilitating reunions with lost loved ones but grows frustrated that this only leads to more partings, so he tries to expand his powers to maintain his illusions forever, because more than anything he just doesn't want to leave his dear friends the dark knights alone. he represents the childish wish at the core of every dark knight for a world where nobody has to lose anyone again.

in the part of the quests where you take myste to the sea of clouds there's this bit where in english he talks about his guilt complex and lets slip that this is also your guilt. in german he tells you that he was always with these people who fight hard for others, watching from the sides, until one day he heard a cry of loneliness and since then he's been trying his best to help people too. that's the moment that for me really hammered it in that these languages fundamentally disagree on what it even means to be a dark knight.

in english myste is desperate to atone for everything he's ever done and fray is your self preservation instinct who is kinda mad that you let it get this far, but they have to forgive him because you're all you have as you walk this lonely and bloody path that you have to believe is right. in german myste is your ideal, the desire to comfort those who have no-one else, crying that maybe it's better to forget altogether if partings can't be avoided and fray is your human heart who agrees that parting will always hurt but that is exactly where you find the strength to continue the fight, because it is worthwhile even if it never ends, and the path may be lonely but you will never walk it alone when there are people who came before you and who will come after you who all share this same dream of a kinder world. of course you won't have to leave us, you're our ideal, you're what we do it all for, as long as we remain dark knights you'll be with us. this all flows very naturally into drk-as-shadowbringers-class and ardbert's deal too but since I haven't reached shb in german yet I don't want to say anything extensive about it yet

i still think english drk was cooking with even your repressed feelings being repressed + the part of yourself that wants to protect itself obviously trying to protect itself and thus not wanting to show vulnerability so en fray postures as the stronger one who will protect you instead, and that fray writing in the journal (and only being able to be honest in a place where you're unlikely to look unless you don't know where to go) is incredibly clever. but in the context of how english treats sidurgu and just the way they handle the entire rest of the game really i also don't think that they were intentionally going for this kind of subtlety, it feels to me more like they just thought sincerity is cringe like usual and decided to make everyone cool and edgy (and thus needlessly mean to each other) instead.

and yeah english fucking loves to just yoink lines from other media whether it's appropriate or not. they turned zenos' final words to wol into a hamilton reference in english, "my first friend, my enemy" is a hamilton line, he doesn't ever call you his enemy in any other language (in german he calls you his hunter though which yes is incredibly horny of him). I'll admit I'm not in a good position to judge whatever epic references the german script makes because I'm unfamiliar with german language popular media so I won't spot them unless someone else points them out but I do know that when german fray quotes fight club it just enhances their characterisation as trying to sound cool and intimidating but failing because they're really kind of lame and awkward and can't hide how stoked they are to hang out with you.

[hollow-keys]

This tweet's already got dunked on a lot but I have things to say about the differences between Osha and Anakin that I haven't already seen said sooo I'm gonna say my piece.

The reason why they're reacting differently is Osha and Anakin are very different characters at very different points in their arc in these respective scenes.

When Osha force choked Sol, she had just started to turn to the dark side then and there. Before, that moment, she hadn't turned at all. She left the Order because she couldn't cut it as a Jedi, because of her anger and pain bubbling below the surface, but when she left she didn't feel particularly negative towards the Jedi, she didn't disagree with their philosophy or how they approached the force, she simply didn't feel like it could work for her personally and decided to go life a normal life. Meanwhile, Anakin immediately turned over to the Sith. She viewed herself as a failure for not being able to live up to the Jedi's code, Anakin viewed the code as a failure for not accommodating him.

When Anakin force choked Padmé, he had already turned to the dark side. He'd already beheaded Dooku, he'd already slaughtered the Tuskin Raiders, he'd already executed Order 66, he'd already killed or helped kill his friends. Even before he turned, he was flagrantly and shamelessly disobeying the Jedi code with the arrogance he carried himself with and his relationship with Padmé. Officially turning into a Sith was the end point of all that. He entirely gave himself over to anger, which blocked out his rational thought processes.

Osha was just a normal person who happened to be an ex-Jedi. When she got dragged back into it, she respected the Jedi she worked with but the tensions between her and the Order came back, particularly with how closed off they were to her, unable to reciprocate her non-Jedi like affection. Still, she didn't hate them or even really blame them, it was just a frustration. She was entirely on their side until she found out Sol, one of her closest friends, her father figure, had killed her mum.

She was in shock and disassociating, Sol, in his guilt, didn't explain himself properly and his poor attempt to justify himself only made her withdraw more. She's blank faced because she's not present in the moment. She's still carrying herself like a Jedi with a rational and detached veneer when she uses the force, probably on instinct, but under the surface she's angry, grieving and thus drawing power from the dark side. Sure, her face is blank, but her hands are shaking if you pay attention. It's repressed rage bubbling to the surface. meanwhile Anakin's rage isn't repressed at all and he doesn't feel any attachment to the Jedi's way of doing things. He's chosen the dark side at that point, Osha hasn't chosen any side, she's not thinking about sides, she's just hurt. Her disassociation is blocking out her rational thought processes and she breaks down once she's killed Sol because only then does she stop dissociating and realise what she's done.

Honestly, the correct person to compare Osha to is Mae. When Mae is given the exact same chance to kill Sol, she refuses even though she was recently corrupted to the dark side because she's had years to process that he killed her mum, and she has no prior attachment to him to feel betrayed by, which leads to a less emotional and more rational response. She doesn't just want revenge, she wants him to confess his crimes, she wants the Jedi Order to be rocked by controversy and have a reckoning, to be investigated and reformed. They're the same person under different circumstances.

And look, you can think that the Acolyte scene would be better if Osha was enraged or breaking down, but the fact Amandla Stenberg made a different acting choice than you would have preferred doesn't make her a bad actor. It's like how you can dislike someone's music because it's not your thing while still recognising that they're not a bad musician, but that's probably a bad comparison given a lot of people don't understand that either.

[lunar-years]

How do you think Jamie’s mental health issues present/the effects of his father’s abuse in adulthood especially when being in a relationship with Roy and Keeley.

From what we’ve seen on the show alone I think Jamie is very well adjusted in general and has a bright and amazing future ahead of him in every sense ❤️

Cycling back to how his mental health issues present... we actually got a lot of canonical insight into this and to me it's an unpleasant cocktail of repression, overcompensating/excitable euphoria, shutting down, and depression. His repressive tendencies run pretty deep and it's been easier for him historically to push forward by pushing certain emotions down. When he gets triggered by being constantly around his dad in Manchester, he fucks off to Lust Conquers All. When he's upset in Amsterdam, he's cartwheeling down the streets with a hyper sort of constant energy. he's veryyy "i'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday." Then you have moments like Wembley and the week leading up to Mom City where he freezes and falls into subsequent bouts of depression.

To me, I think quite a bit of those episodes stem from the fact that he's spent so long repressing his trauma that he fully does not realize he has it nor has he spent any time openly confronting it. Jame very much that guy who will drop THE most upsetting personal lore whilst laughing and then not understand why the room has gone silent. He can't remember what happened in Amsterdam. In Mom City he tells Roy he doesn't know he's upset, and when Keeley is listing off all the reasons he might have for not being himself lately, he's so overwhelmed by that because he hadn't even considered those reasons, or more aptly hadn't let himself stare them in the face.

Personally I think therapy helps him a lot and he takes to it like a fish to water. Finally he has someone to help him name the things that have happened to him and then help him process and reckon with those things in a healthy way. I definitely think he would learn to lean on others a lot more and develop new coping strategies to lessen instances like the one that drove him to Lust Conquers All.

That said, I think those first few weeks/months/years would be TOUGH. He's dealing with realities about his own life that he's spent much of the course of that life continually shoving down, and there's a lot of big words and diagnoses being thrown his way that overwhelms him even as it eventually relieves him to know there's a name for it.

It would be particularly difficult for him if that level of reckoning was happening at the same time as other big changes in his life, for instance getting together with Roy and Keeley and all the other anxieties that would come with that, or trying to reconnect with his dad. How long and in what capacity James Tartt Sr. remains in his life has to have an enormous impact on how his trauma related stuff presents, esp. given what we see in the finale. His father is very obviously his most prominent and longest-standing trigger. It's that sort of combination, along with him allowing himself to feel emotions outside of shutting down in the face of triggers, that I think could lead to panic attacks.

As for the royjamiekeeley aspect...they all deal with various mental health issues and are incredibly understanding and supportive ofc. As with all things, they have to find their footing and figure out through trial and error how to best help one another, but once they get it down they are incredibly solid. They help Jamie lessen his exposure to the stuff that triggers him (incl. his dad, in whatever way that works) and know how to best help to bring him down from panic attacks, how to talk to him when he's in various funks (he does the same for them), etc.

So it boils down to: I think future Jamie is on very solid footing but that doesn't mean he never stumbles. He's got a lot of healing left to do but I firmly believe he's up for the task.

[missedthelate80s]

madilton headcanons!

because i decided to do this last night and i absolutely love these two! just some general headcanons, not all of them:

first impressions: alexander - thought james was a serious guy who couldn't easily be amused james - fast talker, like he has endless ideas and he's trying to get every single one of them out

worked together on a series of essays along with john jay, the three were friends and hung out together frequently, but john jay wasn't as into the essays as alexander and james so when he got sick after writing five he was like "what a relief, i don't have to be the third wheel anymore"

you know how there's a duo in every trio? alex and james were most definitely the duo. no wonder john jay kept his distance

alex fell first but james fell HARDER!!

essays weren't the only things the two exchanged when hanging out ;)

james asked alex out around three months after they met, because he could not repress his feelings anymore (james is a ...little bit... emotionally repressed LOL)

they kept their relationship secret at james' request, because he wasn't ready to be out to anyone (particularly in a political au, which is where i imagine this. the two would be in different parties, so waaaaay more advisable to keep this to themselves). alex agrees without hesitation to this at first, but it causes a lot of issues later on. because fundamentally, alex is quite open about his life, he really struggles with keeping this a secret

alex will speak up for james if he gets served food with allergens in them even though james does not mind doing it and is perfectly capable of advocating for himself. he doesn't mind letting alex do it tho, he thinks it's sweet

alex is all for PDA, james is not

on that note, james is a very private person, it takes a while for him to open up to alexander about himself

sometimes the two just sit across from each other and write in silence because they love to write and sometimes just need to have some time designated to do that. it's one of their favourite ways to spend time together.

they edit each other's writing and look over each other's emails if the other asks them to. or alex will send a message being like "what's the word for those fields with the grapes that make wine?" and james will send back "vineyard"

james buys alex a LOT of coffee. he drinks a coffee in the morning then tea for the rest of the day, james is a tea fiend and yes, alex makes fun of him for it severely

alex loves when james' virginian accent gets stronger, he's an absolute sucker for a southern drawl

y'know how alex speaks french really fluently? like it might be his native language fluent? james understands it well, but speaks it with a scottish accent (aka he does not speak it well at all), and gets teased a LOT for this. he absolutely refuses to speak french in front of alex after alex laughed for five minutes straight the first time he replied to one of alex's french queries in french.

their relationship begins while thomas is in france, and thomas gets to hear james talk all about his new boyfriend over the phone. james has them talk over the phone one day (thomas and alex) thinking that they're so similar they'll get along. that... does NOT happen. hate at first phone call.

i reckon that's all i'm going to put down, this is already a lot! if you want more, drop a message into my inbox i guess :3

[flownwrong]

happy wincest wednesday, my successful bud! (i'm sending this now but feel free to answer whenever, or never, or next wednesday, idk.) I've heard much comparing Ray and Dean, but what about Fraser and Sam? Are there elements of the wincest relationship that are echoed in the Canadian King & the Mountie? your thoughts appreciated 🙏

happy wincest non-wednesday z!!! thanks for such a delightful question, i always want to talk about this!

well, let's start with how Sam and Fraser are both self-sufficient. they go through a lot of fairly traumatic experiences from an early age. they both lose their mothers, and both are left with absent fathers who have a Quest—Revenge and The Job—and an Expectation of their sons. Fraser moves a lot as a kid, and through being super smart, getting raised by old-fashioned grandparents in relatively desolate areas and inheriting the Quest ends up alienated from his peers, and that sucks massively for a kid, but ultimately, as the years go by, his introverted ass is doing just fine keeping others at arm's length. he's also full of anger at many a circumstance of his life, especially when his father gets killed and he exiled to the US in the pilot, but, unlike Sam, he keeps it under lock until severely provoked. he isn't just a weirdo to Americans, he's a weirdo in the weirdo lands as well. he does need to be seen, known, and loved by someone who really gets him, but he's perfectly functional without it and he isn't holding his breath for it.

his loneliness does get the better of him a few times in the show, though, e.g. he has a Ruby-esque arc. Victoria is a criminal femme fatale who Fraser ends up chasing, protecting from the elements with his own life, then turning in. she's perceptive af and appeals to the wilder core of him, which makes it easy for her to use him. she turns his iron-clad ideals against him and then makes him abandon them (holy fuck), which almost costs him and those he holds dear life and freedom. Fraser doesn't get to collaboratively stab her, but he gets dramatically shot by his first Ray in a moment of ultimate surrender (deciding to escape with her after she killed people, framed people, stole shit, burned down his father's fucking cabin), so i'll take the win.

the impressive thing is that he doesn't outwardly change much, after. he gets over it with the help from his best friend who sticks with him, and he's fine. he gets to keep doing what he has and wants to do and he gets to get better and he gets to reckon with who he is and grow into a more mature, less angry version of himself.

Fraser also often performs masculinity in ways similar to Sam: he isn't chasing machismo and is kind of impossible to emasculate (hence he's doing absolutely great in the drag episode! it's fun for him! there's no threat!) but he's very much A Guy and A Stoic who sucks at expressing or decoding emotions. we get some objectification with him, and sometimes it's let's zoom in on his vulnerable movie star face or beat him up and put some bandages on his naked torso or make him walk around in a towel, but often it's in-universe look how sexy this dude is, everyone is tripping over their feet to climb him (fair). he demonstrates a spectrum of reactions from mortification to barely concealed disgust in response, but ultimately just shakes it off. the show honestly offers a chance to headcanon his sexual experience in any way from "close to virginity and repressed" to "he Fucks but it isn't a priority, he just doesn't want most people", and my preference is the second one.

he's very utilitarian when it comes to his body and looks as well (barring Regulation. of course, the Regulation). he enjoys junk food but will eat whatever keeps him going, he cares about exercise as long as it keeps him at top performance, he can live in a bare concrete room with little discomfort, etc. it's especially obvious near RayK lol who really is very like Dean in this regard.

now, to the relationship. we get the two big tragedies of Fraser in focus in s1-2. enter s3. by then, Fraser is almost comfortable with the state of his life: he has a home in Chicago he seems actually happy to get back to from his whimsical mountie vacation the season opens on, and he has his only friend. only, uh oh, he gets back to find his home burnt down and his friend gone with no explanation and no goodbye. to add insult to injury, there's a very pretty, very insecure, very charismatic dude pretending to be said friend, and everyone, including the original Ray's family, seems to be either in on it or gone insane because they don't blink an eye and expect Fraser to follow suit.

within 1.5 episodes we find out that, bafflingly, the new Ray is 1) ready to risk his life with and for Fraser (to be fair, so was the first Ray from the get-go) and b) somehow in a deeper emotional hole than Fraser. see, Fraser loses a lot, but he's unflappable, and he doesn't lose himself after that one horrible failure, while RayK ties most of his self-worth and self-perception to his relationships, and is fiercely committed to them, and doesn't seem to have many meaningful attachments beyond his The One. and he's just lost his marriage to The One he had for like 20 years, The One he thought was for life. and he now has to be another guy with nobody missing the actual him. so, uh oh.

this is how Fraser flips from being the main vessel of angst in s1-2 to the resident wall to lean on for this guy who just can't keep his guts in his body. RayK is brave and competent and compassionate and Always Does His Job Even Though It Costs Him, and Fraser shows up and, after some bristling, starts pointing all that out verbally and through actions, every time Ray falls apart. to Ray, Fraser isn't just a friend and a partner. he's a reminder that Ray isn't his violence or his failure as a son (in one episode, a father who disowned Ray years ago shows up at the station, and when a colleague tells Ray so, Ray thinks he's being pranked and tells him to quit it. twice) and a husband, and he's a beacon Ray can always use to come back to himself (beside a Classique moment in which Fraser actually calls Ray off like a dog in a moment of murderous rage, there's a maddening exchange in the finale when RayK thinks he's gonna lose Fraser, see below)

now, Fraser doesn't always trust himself either (see: Victoria), but it's different from Ray's crippling guilt over never being/doing good enough. Fraser perceives a fundamental flaw within himself, a capacity for evil he wants to keep in check (he's maybe 50% right, but so is Sam). in addition to iron spine, he has iron will. he has his armour (adherence to ideals that make him seem untouchable) and his sword (unmatched stubbornness). he can make people do things his way, mostly by annoying them into it, or sincerely inspiring them, or simply leaving them no choice but to follow him or leave him on his own, which, of course, the Rays don't do. but i feel like Fraser himself is surprised by the reciprocal need he feels for RayK, for being adored by him and accepted in all his freakishness and trusted implicitly (RayV offered him different comforts).

bc of that implicit trust thing, he and RayK have their Divorce. they come to blows and decide to part ways, and the heart of it is that Ray thinks Fraser (the smart one, the capable one, the morally superior one, the could-get-anything-he-wants one) doesn't need him, and Fraser thinks Ray (the one for whom Fraser is first choice, the one who's emotionally honest enough for both of them, the one he needs enough to be unable to easily go back to loneliness) doesn't want him. pathetic. Ray is genuinely surprised Fraser makes a choice to save his life in the middle of this conflict. Fraser is genuinely frustrated Ray takes his stubbornness personally.

they also go through a subtler but more painful mini-divorce when RayV comes back in the finale, leaving RayK fully convinced he's gonna get dumped and Fraser unable to even imagine RayK needs the opposite spelled out. RayK goes "so you'll go back to Vecchio now. I'm totally okay with that and need no reassurance". Fraser makes a very incompetent attempt at telling RayK he will always want him. RayK takes it as being let down easy. jesus god.

despite all that, most of the time they're fulfilling a common purpose in perfect tandem and will (try to) step between the other and things that seriously threaten or hurt him. and they genuinely like each other a lot, even when they don't get each other. they clearly spend most of their time off together by choice, they have a well-oiled shorthand banter machine going, they might snort at each other's interests but they will give it a go, they will call each other out for their respective freakishness and mean "thank fuck i have you by my side, nobody else is this cool".

plus—and here's my preference, anyway—i see their sexual dynamic this way: Ray is the feels guy, the can-be-easily-mortified guy, and the "okay, what, but if you're into it, I'm game" guy, while Fraser is (also the feels guy, absolutely, but) a bit wild and very good at gently being in charge and blindsided by just how much he wants Ray. he'd also be the one to Want Things, although it might get some work to get him to share with the class. there's also the size diff: while they're of the same height, Fraser has bulk while Ray is wiry af and can be overpowered by Fraser both visually and literally, and I think they both know this and find it compelling.

so here we have it. i absolutely overexplained it, but there's a similar mutual need that's sometimes misunderstood between them. they're unable to leave each other's orbit and willing to put things they can't give each other aside, they match each other's freak and deep-seated desires, and are quite wholesome when given the time and space to be so ;-; i feel like there's an overlap with some wincest joys.

p.s. Ray tells Fraser he loves him "like a brother" three episodes in. take that however your wincesty heart wants <3

[ot3]

who do you think is the worst victim of the style of bad interpretations you just described? Edgeworth maybe?

It's phoenix it's absolutely phoenix. Edgeworth is easier to get right on the surface because he's a much more typical type of character than phoenix is, in a lot of ways. "Asshole turns out to be mostly decent guy who is just deeply repressed and using cruelty as a crutch due to childhood trauma" is Fandom Sadboy Material one oh one. And the daddy issues too? A lot of stuff right there you can do to make Edgeworth feel somewhat like himself without digging too deep into a personal interpretation

Phoenix on the other hand has a lot of really irregular character writing and the way he acts both selfishly and selflessly at the same time is I think really hard for a lot of people to grok, so I feel like they tend to just zoom in on whichever set of behavior they prefer and fill in the rest of his personality based on the accompanying tropes. But he's so so so interesting to me! And a lot of that interest comes from trying to reckon with his genuine, earnest determination to do right by the people around him, on top of his cagier and more self-centered behavior that can often have collateral for his loved ones.

[extasiswings]

Hi! If buddie does go canon, I was wondering how you think the show will address buck's journey with his sexuality? I feel like a lot of the time, the fandom focuses on eddie's journey and his repression/coming out, and buck doesn't really get those same discussions. A lot of people just act like buck is already out or has dated men (especially in fic), but the show has never indicated that. Maybe he has been with men and the show could explore past biphobia or maybe buck has never considered it before and that leads to some kind of crisis.

Frankly, I don’t think the show is addressing either Buck or Eddie’s sexualities (at least not in an expected way) and I not only don’t think it’s necessary, I wouldn’t want them to. Because it’s something that is so sensitive and complex and so easy to do badly, especially in the context of an ensemble show in a visual medium. I recognize that a lot of people seem to think Eddie’s arc is some sort of “coming out” arc (in a very traditional sense), but I have a very different read on it—that while they are absolutely queercoding the shit out of this narrative, the point is not about the specifics of his sexuality but rather a journey about reimagining what is possible/stepping out of the narrow box of heteronormative assumptions recognizing that life, family, and especially love are allowed to look very different from what you were taught they had to be. And while Buck’s arc is less loud about it, those ideas are still there—for both of them, this journey is about missing the obvious options that are right under your nose because your own biases and assumptions about what the world has to look like have prevented you from seeing them.

There’s a reason why Eddie’s arc, in my opinion, has been less about the gender of the person he’s dating (because honestly I think he would have the same issues with dating if he were dating men) but about the fact that there is someone specific that he’s in love with already (Buck). And Buck’s is the same. Both of them are on paths of reckoning with their past relationships and the mistakes they made in those relationships and the ways they were hurt by them—Eddie has a lot of work to do letting go of Shannon in particular, who the show has always been explicit was his first love, and whose loss massively fucked him up—and once they can do that then they’ll be in a position where they’re ready to be together. But I don’t expect the show to label either of them or to address their sexualities at all beyond the fact that they’re in love with each other and have built a life together because the story they’re crafting is much more nuanced than that. And on an overarching narrative meta level, one of the things the show seems to be doing within these broader themes of questioning assumptions and reimagining what the world can look like, is challenging the audience to do the same, to think bigger, to imagine more, to look at where our blind spots are and why we’re limiting the scope of what we’re willing to see as possible. It’s one of the reasons I don’t buy the argument that Buddie canon can’t happen yet because neither of them have “come out” on screen—queer narratives in real life are not nearly so limiting and when we’re in territory like this, something that has never happened on television, the idea that they are required to follow some sort of heavy-handed and constrained script to cater to the lowest common denominator of straight members of the general audience instead of just letting this be a love story that they can tell like any other love story strikes me as a flawed assumption based in the limitations of our own imaginations.

Anyway, all that to say, there is a place for coming out narratives and stories about characters struggling with their sexualities or having some form of sexuality crisis and stories about queer characters facing oppression. But in 2023, I think we should accept that those are not the only stories that can be told and, in fact, that we as queer people should be allowed to expect and demand more from our stories. And while I could be wrong, I think the love story they are telling right now with this show gets that.

[Edit: to be clear, I’m not saying that sexuality isn’t important or that Buck and Eddie’s sexualities aren’t separate and individual things—Eddie is not “Bucksexual” (ew), he is queer—but that a mainstream network procedural may not necessarily have the bandwidth to address the full complex realities of sexual fluidity and how sexualities can change over time etc and I think it makes sense to explore those things in fic rather than expecting the show to try and do something the medium isn’t necessarily conducive to]

[bhuerracus]

My GW2 Main OC: Luphom

i realized i haven't posted my gw2 oc / toon yet. her name is Luphom! i was going to draw her for this post but drawing armor is so hard, but i promise ill give you a drawing later with a more accurate physical appearance. she's my main character and is a bit of a self-insert, not 100% of course but still be kind. i do have other OCs i am working on but they need more time in the oven.

also, i still have to complete the story, so all of this is before she becomes the Commander. i have to think if i want the GW2 story to be canon to her storyline. so far im thinking no, but we'll see. im kind of new to this sort of thing so im still getting used to fan fiction, OCs, RP etc. in general. so, if i am missing some CWs, tags, etc. please let me know!! i do not wish to make anyone see something they do not want to see.

with that out of the way click the "Read more" to learn more about her!

Content Warnings: tragic backstory (bullying, CPTSD (neglect and abuse), no specific details are given beyond what i just said), redemption.

name: Luphom

age: old

basic personality: the fun grandma who would give the grandkids cookies even when the parents beg for her not to do so. tries to be nice to everyone. angers and gets mean quickly when she feels wronged, but she's working on it. big "HIS PRONOUNS ARE THEY/THEM!!!!" energy, she does her best. will be the first to defend anyone she feels is being wronged, the first to notice when someone is trying to say something but can't get a word in, and interrupts everyone to let them speak.

physical appearance: a white and grey Charr. fat! has lots of tufts of fur on her face. fuzzy. totally covered in scars, some missing teeth.

gender: transgender woman, transitioned late into her life after repressing it for a very long time.

sexuality: says she's heterosexual, loves big strong men, but also, she is one big strong woman away from finding out she's bisexual.

basic backstory: after childhood neglect and abuse at the hands of her birth family, and then bullying in the fahrar, she found the one thing that gave her the positive attention and affection she craved and stopped the abuse: power.

she learned to be mean and brutal, and trained constantly so that no one would treat her poorly and give her respect. it worked. she was a force to be reckoned with.

however, as an adult, when this was no longer necessary and she could stop pretending to be a Cold and Cruel Badass, she realized the people she was surrounded with were all just as cruel as she was, but they weren't pretending.

she felt trapped, having to choose between being lonely, or being someone she was never meant to be. it took years, and as she slowly began to return to the kinder, softer person her childhood self was, the bullying began again, this time as an adult and from her friends and peers who looked down on her "new" "weakness". to them, she slowly became a completely different person. a spineless coward.

after self-reflection, a couple of hard choices, A Life-Changing Experience, and then finally the realization that she is a woman and always wanted to be but was never allowed to, she threw away her skills as a Warrior, her warband, and her past achievements on the battlefield to be happy and become her true self: a lady who loves to dress up, spoil loved ones, and get silly with it.

she is currently a Ranger who is looking to learn about all the animals that exist on Tyria.

likes: talking and chatting, puzzles, cooking, Snargle Goldclaw books, animals (especially ones she feels are mistreated like bugs), changing outfits weekly, bird-watching, giving affection, spoiling people silly, flirting (but will explode if you flirt back), art, being kind to those she sees no one else is kind to

dislikes: being ignored and ignoring others, reading, bigotry of any kind, arguing, the constant nightmares which haunt her every waking moment, boiled vegetables

[thetangycheesemanwithaplan]

Eddie Diaz (+ Family) speculation

Highlighted is the main points and then i go into more thoughts on each

•One of Eddie's sisters has moved to LA(Maybe even both)

-Eddie said at the beginning of EP 6, that he dropped Christopher off at his cousins. I know this could mean one of Eddie's cousins (which would be second cousins to Chris) But we've never heard of any of Eddie's cousins living in LA. We only know of Tia Pepá currently living there. And although this could still be Tia's children/Eddies cousin's, I find it odd that they're only coming up now. All the years of child care support Eddie has needed ? It would have come up sooner

-We've been told we will meet his sister(s?) and I don't think it's going to be just a passing moment (like his probation ceremony where they were just seen)

-I feel like they're laying some ground work for more Diaz Family stuff and this could play into that. I feel like his sisters will be key to parts of his story line (more on this below)

•Abuela has also moved back to LA

-Look is this partially cause I want more Abuela? Yes . Do I want a spin of show with Tia Pepá and Abuela being gossiping shenanigan queens? Absolutely! But Abuela was at the wedding. No context was given to this she was there, I don't think she's flying in just to be a guest in the wedding and if she had flown in with the rest of Eddie's family it would have been mentioned? (If the whole family was in town Eddie would have maybe said I've dropped him off with my family not at his cousins- it sounded like a more permanent situation with his cousin not a visiting situation)

-She lived in LA prior and moved back to Texas cause of COVID and I can bet your ass she wants to come back (get away from Helena and Ramon) I also see that being a problem to Eddie's parents and they would have brought it up as a concern for her well-being but if Eddie's sister has moved also, you know Abuela is arguing a case to move cause there's even more family to keep an eye on her etc (she packed her bags and went fuck this, I'm out)

-This plays into the groundwork for Diaz Family stuff

•Shannon is back

-We know this based on the photo we've seen and it's going to be interesting to see

-We can almost rule out the reason Eddie sees her as anything medical as they've just been through that with Chim. And I reckon it'll be in ghost form (hence the title) but my question is will it be like the Shannon&Chris scene where she's there but not seen or is it something Eddie sees

-I think there will be an interaction of some sort between them, maybe not directly but there will be an Eddie x Shannon conversation going on. Eddie has just finally been made aware/acknowledged of all his repressed catholic guilt (RCG) and a lot of that is going to tie into his relationship with Shannon and the reasons behind it. His unresolved feelings that he is dealing with have come up now because of this RCG. He may have thought he'd made peace with it but now he's dealing with this its probably brining up a lot for him. He either imagines a what if scenario and we see Shannon if she had lived and they have a conversation or its a ghost version who appears to him when he's thinking about it all

-I like the idea of a ghost version that Eddie interacts with because he's now questioning his entire belief system (RCG) and what better to challenge that system then a mf ghost (Eddie doesnt belive in that kind of stuff. Talking to a grave and them watching over-yes. Shannon the friendly ghost not so much)

•Eddie will reach out to Abuela (and his sister) to talk about the Shannon of it all

-After Eddie see's Shannon, he's got even more on his mind. He goes to Abuela's. His sister also happens to be there (You see al these theories coming together now). He talks about what he's going through and his sister and abuela talk him through some of it. His Abuela offering the supportive parental side that he doesnt always get from his parents and his sister offering an understanding thats on the same level because she was raised the same way, she understands his upbringing better than anyone. And yes there are differences , Eddie was told to be the man and step up,but she was there, she lived through it with him

-Eddie has done so well with therapy that i feel he would want to talk about it but not with his parents so Abuela seems the most likely. I feel like he would want to get an understanding of it before he even dared to confront his parents. This RCG will be an ongoing thing but i think Eddie starts to take steps to figure it out.

•Diaz Family Drama(The Will)

-His parents will be in town for something (maybe an award ceremony/presentation of sorts) and although i don't think Eddie's going to come out and say RCG to them, i feel like some comments will be made towards his parents.

-I believe these comments will be about The Will. It'll come out that Buck becomes Chris' legal guardian if anything were to happen to him and this causes outrage and Eddie explains that he wants Chris raised a certain way and Buck understands this(aka not the way Eddie was raised-RCG). Also that Buck is the closest thing to another parent Chris has and therefore it makes the most sense as a person in Chris's life.

-Bonus of if this is when Chris also finds out and despite Helena and Ramon's protests Chris just says 'Buck is like a dad to me'

Shoutout to @whollyjoly and @buck-up-buck as always for listening to me ramble about this like last week! I'm only now putting it in writing

[musicalhell]

Persephone's Gambit Extra: Christine's Tarot Readings

So while I'm getting the next chapters in order I want to take a minute to go a little more in depth on the Tarot spreads in Chapter Three, because a) I thought and re-thought about them a lot and I want to show my work and b) it gives me a chance to show off my Universal Monsters Tarot deck which I frankly adore.

(Note: As with other themed decks, the UM puts a spin on the standard suits. The correlations are Candles=Wands, Crypts=Cups, Claws=Swords and Castles=Coins/Pentacles.)

So, this chapter features two spreads. The first one is a three card spread Christine remembers Meg giving her shortly before Erik entered her life. This type of spread can have a lot of different interpretations based on the question and intent, but probably the most common (and the one used here) is past-present-future:

Meg jokes about Christine living in a dream world, because all three of these cards have something to do with fantasies, illusion, and the unreal.

The Seven of Cups represents fantasies and wishful thinking. It presents possibilities (too many of them, sometimes) but warns that the subject may be so wrapped up in what might be that they're not dealing with things practically. Christine's father built her castles in the air, but left her with no real ground to stand on when he was gone.

As in other areas, The Moon in Tarot has a wide range of symbolism attached to it, but most often it is taken to represent illusion, fear, and feelings which have been repressed or hidden. Now alone, Christine is lost and directionless. She cannot see a way forward without her father, and in the face of the unknown retreats to the comfort of her own inner world. Which is a problem, because ahead of her lies...

The Magician, Reversed. The Magician represents human knowledge, skill, and craft--the ability to understand the world and shape it to our will. When a card is reversed in Tarot, it indicates the values represented are either absent or being used for unhelpful or malevolent purposes. A reversed Magician represents deception, manipulation, and hidden agendas. Christine is being warned of someone, someone who is not all he appears to be and whose seemingly benevolent actions conceal darker motives...

Then during Alice's salon, Christine receives another reading, this one a five-card spread:

As in the three card, the cards in the middle of the cross represent past, present, and future:

The Two of Wands is about choices and forks in the road. Christine was offered a choice: marriage to Erik or death to Raoul? But she turned it into a different kind of choice--accept the situation forced upon her, or forge her own path. In doing the latter, she's set the fates of herself and those around her in a new direction.

The Two of Coins represents balance, but a precarious balance requiring significant effort to maintain. With two suitors, a budding career, and her own quest for self-knowledge all in play, Christine has found a momentary equilibrium in her life, but this state of affairs cannot last forever.

Judgement is the penultimate card of the Major Arcana. It is a final reckoning, the last necessary step on the journey between who we are and who we are becoming. For Christine, this card serves as both warning and encouragement. The decision she deferred in the past is still before her, but so is the understanding that will allow her to make that decision with confidence.

The upper card in the cross represents things unknown or unacknowledged by the subject. In this spread it's the Five of Wands, the card of competition and the fight for supremacy. Erik and Raoul may have called a reluctant truce, but they each remain determined to be the victor in the battle for Christine's heart. The UM deck symbolizes this contentious state with Phantom's falling chandelier, but the conflict the card represents is not always destructive. Sometimes it's a necessary struggle that leads to greater understanding.

The last card is the inherent potential in the situation: given what the previous cards have shown, what is the possible outcome? The Sun, with its emphasis on joy, freedom, and truth, suggests that it will be a good one...eventually.

[bengiyo]

Love in the Big City Part 2 Check In

I’ve been struggling to start this essay for a few days. I sent the discussion questions to Shan Sunday evening after reading all of part 2 the day before because I wanted some time to sit with it and spend the day interacting with other people and reckon with what stood out for me. Like with the last section, I remained worried about how isolated the narrator (who I will now refer to as “Young”) has been and was unsurprised to see that connected to his experience with his mom.

We read through some pretty heavy sequences in this section, including Young being hospitalized by his mother as a teen when she discovered him kissing a boy under a street lamp, only to have the doctors classify him as a victim of PTSD and requesting that his mother enter treatment instead. He felt like he could never understand Hyung, and noted that he seemed to only be a booty call. He reached his breaking point and almost killed Hyung. He spiraled and almost killed himself.

When reading stuff like this, I always have to back away emotionally from the narrator, because otherwise I feel like it’s easy for me to get lost in the spiral of their emotions, particularly because Young seems to have mostly repressed his feelings about these situations if not the memory of them. It’s a bit difficult for me to read Young because I understand a lot of what he feels, and I am lucky that I was able to build relationships with other queer people in my 20s and avoid the spiral he’s fallen into.

With Hyung, I think @doyou000me provided some useful context for the level of paranoia Hyung deals with, given the living history he’s part of. He remembers people being disappeared. Even though he may have been a leader in a small organization at one point, it’s clear that his progressive friends at the time had no concept of their own homophobia and how it might impact other people in their movement. Like Young noted, he and Hyung are just doing regular jobs now, and Hyung’s rude friends are living a wealthy existence. For Hyung, his homosexuality is a barrier within himself, and his need to intellectualize everything means he cannot come to terms with it as he views it as the result of some sort of external influence on his being. There was never any way for him and Young to be happy because he hates himself too much to be anything reliable to Young.

Something else that continues to linger with me about Young is that he’s aware of how visibly gay he is to people. It doesn’t always come across in his writing, but the dialogue he shares with others indicates that he gets suspected or clocked a lot, and often resents how people treat him as a result. It happened with the guys in college when he stood up for Jaehee, and it happens here with Hyung fighting with Young for being so obvious about it. Hyung may try to pass and stay closeted, and that’s never going to work when you’re only able to chase after guys who can’t pass.

Regarding his mom, I get the sense that the mom’s paranoia about the dad and her controlling nature have forever ruined Young’s ability to have a wide array of meaningful relationships in his life. It seems like he can only really have one. No other people in his life get much mention in either of the first two sections except for Jaehee, Hyung, and his mom. It’s hard to see Young recognize that he’s messed up and possessive and be unable to do anything about that. He ends up spinning his mother’s remaining  years caring for her and being jerked around by a closet case.

I’m struck by the audacity of Hyung in the end. He edited that man’s diary and then sent it back years later asking to meet up one last time. That’s absurd in the extreme, and yet I get it. Being right is all that man has. He has nothing else to offer. It’s such a sad existence. I am glad the two of them didn’t work out, and I worry so much about what I know is coming for Young since it seems that there’s a tendency to punish himself in so much of what he does.