#and god do I relate to multiple people saying they’re like your father but none of them actually stepping up to the role fully

[erebosblue]

I don’t think we talk enough about Dick’s parentification trauma.

like yeah he’s the eldest daughter and definitely takes care of his siblings more like a parent than a brother but also.

he basically had to raise himself. like Bruce was more his partner in crimefighting than his father (closer to a brother than a parent) and while Alfred definitely raised him more, Dick was still largely operating like an adult while Robin.

no wonder he became desperate for independence. he already felt like an adult. being treated like a kid when you’ve been taking care of yourself for years can feel infuriating. (I should know.)

I’m aware in most canons he is an adult when he becomes Nightwing, but that’s still at 18/19 and doesn’t change my point.

[ray-ray-writings]

maybe a drabble of being married to wilbur during the war of lmanburg vs dream smp? like wilbur hides his care for you in case you are captured? but while no ones around hes the sweetest ever?

I am very soft for this idea oh god I love Wilbur so much my god. Also, I’m very sorry this has taken me so long to get to lol. Hope you enjoy. 

So I would think that everyone would know that you two are close, but only a few people know that you’re actually in a relationship and even fewer people would know that you were married. 

You two discussed this in private once things began to take a sour turn between the relations of the SMP and L’Manberg. You two had a rather private relationship to begin with, as I said a lot of the SMP didn’t even know you were dating. And so the two of you decided that your relationship would be best held private, only citizen’s would know you were together and only a few of his family members would know that you were married. 

In front of people like the Dream Team, Punz, Sam and more of the SMP, you two are just friends. Small smiles and brief waves as you two pass each other out in public on the prime path. Anyone watching would just see you as two friends and literally would not suspect anything was going on behind the scenes. Whenever L’Manberg had meetings with the DreamSMP to discuss things before the war, Wilbur and you were always at opposite ends of the table or the group. You two would have very normal conversations with each other without a hint of romantic tension in the air. It was very casual between the two of you when you’re out in public or in front of many members of the SMP. 

As I mentioned, the citizens of L’Manberg all know you’re in a relationship. Inside the L’Manberg walls with only citizens watching you two hold hands while walking down prime path. You two would share short sweet kisses as you two part ways. Tommy and Tubbo always make fun of you when you do this in front of them. They yell and fake gag causing the two of you to laugh and roll your eyes and shoo them away. But the two are actually very happy for you two and they do their absolute best to keep the relationship on the dl You and Niki are really good friends and the two of spend a lot of time together and you get to gush out about all the cute things Wilbur does for you. She is so supportive of your relationship and works almost as hard as you to keep your relationship a secret. Eret also knows your in a relationship and even though he’s a traitor, he keeps it a secret. No one deserves to have their relationship outed and besides the relationship doesn’t have anything to do with the revolution and therefore there is no need to tell Dream about it. (Plus they don’t even suspect so they never even ask about it lol) 

There are three people other than you and Wilbur that know the two of you are actually married. Fundy is Wilbur’s child, of course he’s going to know that his father got married. He’s very happy for you guys and he loves you so much. Fundy is very happy to have you as a step parent and is very good and understanding about keeping the secret that you two are married. Philza is Wilbur’s father (and let’s face it your dad too because we know he adopted you into the family as soon as Wilbur told him you two were dating) and Wilbur tells his dad everything. He told him about his thoughts of maybe proposing to you but was worried about Dream and he told Philza about how much he wanted to marry you. Philza encouraged him to propose and keep it quiet. He then offered to officiate the wedding and OF COURSE you two say yes. It’s a really beautiful ceremony with you two, Philza officiating, Fundy as the flower person and the ring bearer, and the Best Man aka the final person that knows you two are married, Techno. That’s right, the final one that knows you and Wilbur are married is none other than everyone’s favorite pink headed pig boy, Techno. Wilbur trusts Techno with his life and you do too and the two brother’s are best friends so it’s no wonder that he was one of the only people that was invited to the wedding. Techno would never admit it, but he thinks that you two are perfect for each other. He loves watching you two interact because it’s two of his favorite people making each other happy. But like I said, he will take it to his grave because he’s just a little embarrassed to admit it. But this also means that he would be willing to take your secret to his grave as well. 

You and Wilbur do have rings that you exchanged at your wedding, you just don’t wear them on your ring fingers. Your ring is on a chain that dangles around your neck and rests under your clothes. If anyone asks about it, you tell them it was your mother’s wedding ring that she wanted you to have before she passed and you don’t want to lose it through a battle so you keep it around your neck. Wilbur wears his wedding ring on a ring finger, just not the left one. He wears it on the right so that he can wear it and it’s not suspicious. Again, if he’s asked about it, he just tells them its a ring he got from a village he wears because it looks good. He’s technically not lying, he’s just not telling the whole truth. 

Because you two can’t really interact romantically in public, when the two of you are in private you are so affectionate with each other. Wilbur hates that you two can’t be out in public yet, so he spends a lot of time trying to make sure that you know that he really truly loves you and always makes sure you feel loved. When you’re home alone, it is very rare that the two of you are not touching. You can usually be found cuddling on the couch or in your bed. Wilbur just loves holding you and getting his fill before he has to force to separate from you. So he’s literally attached to you unless you have to pee or something like that. Example, if you’re cooking dinner in the kitchen, you can bet Wilbur is standing behind you with his arms wrapped around you pulling you back against his chest. You’re just always touching. Wilbur also loves pressing sweet kisses all over you. He will duck his head down, kiss your neck multiple times before trailing kisses up to your face, kissing all over your face before kissing your lips. If you two are cuddling in silence usually his lips are just gently resting on you. Like the top of your head or forehead, he’s not really kissing you but his lips are there just resting. Anytime Wilbur has to leave you and Fundy home alone for a few days, he always comes back with a gift of some kind. Sometimes they’re really precious things like jewels but sometimes they’re things like bones from a skeleton he killed while he was out. You never really know what you’re going to get. He always has this really cute grin on his face when he hands you the gifts, so you always tell him you love the gift, even if you’re really confused. When night comes and it’s time for bed, Wilbur holds you so close to his chest. You two often talk about your days at this point and talk about whether you think that the SMP is catching on. You always fall asleep first, Wilbur will not fall asleep until you do. Once you are asleep, Wilbur likes to watch you for a while. He loves watching his spouse be at peace, their face soft and breathing even. It just reminds him that even with everything going on between the SMP and L’Manberg, you’re safe inside his arms. Some nights when he needs extra reassurance, he will carefully slide your wedding ring off your necklace and slide it onto your ring finger before bringing your hand up to his lips so he can kiss the ring on your hand and just admires it for a while before sliding it back off and back into its proper place. 

I’m very soft for a secret marriage with Wilbur if you can’t tell.

[aros001]

Read through light novel vol. 15. Random thoughts.

Well, I just found one of my favorite volumes of this series. For all the right and wrong reasons.

There is a certain trope or term I've heard of for comedy. Where a joke or skit can be really funny but can also go a little too far with the performance to where it can be a little annoying. But there are also plenty of times where the joke/skit takes it even FURTHER than that and it circles back around to being funny again. Naofumi with Raph-chan is a little like that. His love for the little furball was cute and funny at first, then it became a little odd and maybe a little cringey, and now it's gone to such an extreme that it's circled back to funny again, with the Shield hero now commanding a legion of Raph-chans. Also, Naofumi and Ruft bonding over Raph-chan is genuinely really sweet. Between that, how much he clings to Naofumi (or Raph-chan) when he's scared, and just the liking he's taken to the kid, I think Naofumi has definitely found his son figure. Honestly their relationship feels a little more parent and child than even Naofumi and child Raphtalia's was and it took me a bit before I figured out why that was, at least for me.

Naofumi was very parental to Raphtalia and does still somewhat think of her as his daughter. However, when they first met it was also a situation where Raphtalia had to grow up very quickly, and not just physically through leveling. She was bought as a slave and didn't want to go back to the trader. She wanted to fight back against the things that took her family and village from her. She wanted to be Naofumi's sword. She was the sole reason he could gain any significant experience and level up into the Shield Hero he needed to be. The romantic feelings she gained for him were almost certainly a factor but overall, for her sake and his, staying a child, staying as someone's daughter, was not an option. What Naofumi needed wasn't a daughter but a partner. Someone he could lean on and trust.

With Ruft, there is no need for him to grow up quite yet. Yes, Naofumi took him to the village so he could get some experience with the real world and he does plan on toughening him up, but Naofumi is not dependent on Ruft like he was Raphtalia. There's no pressure for Ruft to grow up because Naofumi and everyone else will be fine regardless, so he has more freedom to be a kid. And unlike Filo and the village kids, he doesn't have the added complication of also being Naofumi's slave. Naofumi can treat him and care for him like a kid.

Side note, but is it weird that, even though I know he's related to Raphtalia, before I finally was given an image of him I kept on imagining Ruft looking like Gohan from the very beginning of Dragon Ball Z? Chinese Emperor clothes and all. It feels a little unintentionally racist of me given that Q'ten Lo is meant to resemble isolationist period Japan.

“The Bow Hero mentioned that he has a skill which allows him to scout out the surrounding area from a higher vantage point,” Raphtalia recalled. Itsuki said that? I mean, he was the Bow Hero. It wouldn’t be strange for him to have a skill that allowed him to search for distant targets. That sounded like quite a convenient skill too.

I'm glad about this little detail. I was just saying in the last volume that it felt like the other three heroes didn't seem to have any abilities that weren't directly attack-based. And then later with the hero conference we get even more added to their arsenals beyond just "attack, big attack, and bigger attack" like they'd been showing up until now. Before it felt like the other three could be a bit interchangeable in battle with Naofumi, as it's three attackers and one defender, with range being the only difference. But now, between the four of them, it's a good mix of attack, defense, support, healing, and debuffs. The Four Holy Heroes actually work as a party together.

“R-Raphtalia. Brother. I just want to go and see Master Naofumi! Move aside,” Atla stated.

“No,” Raphtalia replied.

“Never,” replied her brother.

“Raph!” barked a horde of Raphs.

I can hear the freaking echo! I'm dying!

“To be more accurate, they are filolials who act like mountain bandits, attacking wagons carrying off goods and stuff like that,” Melty continued.

...

“Hold on a moment. What the hell is going on then? And—” I finished my thought in my head. If this was the issue that Fitoria wanted help with, then . . . “You’re telling me filolials fight over wagons?”

“Yes. That’s what I’ve been told,” Melty confirmed. Uwah! So she wanted me to resolve some kind of turf war? If these were wild filolials, they weren’t going to go down without a fight.

“The loser has to give their wagon to the winner,” Melty explained. “Also, if it’s the season of love, they can only find love by defeating their opponent.” What were they, hermit crabs?

This is going exactly where I think it's going, isn't it?

[Two chapters later]

“It’s been a while, father-in-law. It’s me, I say, Motoyasu the street racer!”

F******************************************K!

I get Motoyasu is under the effect of his curse series but...it's just so hard to like this guy. It was even before Witch betrayed him and his curse activated. Especially when he uses his Temptation ability to "show Filo his love", basically trying to force her into loving him. Thank goodness it didn't work and that Raph-chan can clear away the effects it did have. Naofumi could stand to be more considerate of Raphtalia when it comes to the Raphs but Motoyasu has been straight up harassing Filo. He tried to keep her trapped in her "angel" form when rescuing her from Naofumi's "brainwashing" and probably was going to keep her that way forever if Witch didn't have her "accidentally" killed along with Melty when removing the brainwashing. I'm pretty sure she was the main person he wanted to peep on in the baths at Cal Mira. He stole her favorite wagon and transformed it into...that. And then there's the shape of...

No...

No!

I'd heard a rumor but...

NO!

I thought it was a web novel thing!

WHY DOES MOTOYASU HAVE A DILDO SPEAR?!?!

Or...god, what if it's not a dildo?!

“I’m taking your daughter. Using my Lust Envy Spear IV,” Motoyasu exclaimed. God. This was all depressing me intently.

“Filo-tan! I will stop you and take your purity!” Motoyasu thrust his spear at Filo.

“Boo!” She wasn’t interested. Then I noticed what he was pointing at. Below the waist, shall we say.

....................Kill him. Kill him. F**king kill him. I don't care about the consequences to the world. Kill him. Kill him now. Have Aura and Mare come over from Overlord and Iris come over from Konosuba. They'll all team up with Filo so that the lolis he loves so much can snap his f**king neck.

I get he's under the effects of a curse (two curses even; lust and envy) but he's almost everything he and Witch accused Naofumi of being. He's brainwashing people and an attempted rapist. All he's missing is abusing his slaves and kidnapping Melty.

...F**k. Okay, back to reality.

So Quirks exist in Itsuki's universe? Last volume I made a comparison between Motoyasu #2 and Bakugo from My Hero Academia because they fit similar tropes for me, but in terms of actual backstory and character, Itsuki is definitely the better comparison. Thought he was special in elementary school because of his powers but got slapped with a bit of reality upon entering the special school for powers. For both of them, this fed into an inferiority complex. It does also add more to Itsuki's hero complex. Bakugo's Quirk and natural talents had him overpraised from youth, leading him to fear the failure of living up to expectations of him. For Itsuki, it goes a little the other way, where his expectations for himself were high, got shattered because the powers above his level were much greater and thus nothing was expected to become of him in comparison, and so he fell into console games where he could be important and the main character for once.

None of this forgives how he treated Rishia but I'd still rather have this understanding and explanation of his character than not. He and Trash have a slightly similar problem for me, and it's not the story's fault. Itsuki's curse has left him pretty fried and emotionless, though it's slowly coming back to him. He hasn't really had a chance to redeem himself. He's working to better himself, yes, but he's also in a state where he'll do everything he's told. He had a nice, split-second apology to Rishia he managed to get out but that's about it. Similarly with Trash, he and Itsuki have sympathetic backstories but he is so lost in his hatred the Shield Hero, Siltvelt, and a few other things that he has not taken responsibility or shown remorse for any of the things that had happened because of him, including his youngest daughter nearly being killed multiple times. Before he was half-crazy and now after meeting Alta and Fohl he just seems withered away and beaten. Trash and Itsuki's situations are sympathetic but they've yet to do anything that puts me on their side beyond basic human empathy and pity.

Compare that to Ren, whom I'm glad I quite like now. He never did anything as bad as Trash or Itsuki, nor does he have as tragic a backstory as either (that's been told to us yet anyway), but he still felt remorse for the bad things he did do and has actively worked to try and make up for them or make certain they don't happen again, because he knows he screwed up. I'm not just supposed to pity him. Like with Naofumi, I'm supposed to see him rise and he does, at several points in this volume being very helpful to very heroic. And I like how he and Naofumi contrast with each other without completely butting heads like stubborn bulls, like over the bandits for justice. They're both heroes but Ren is working hard to be a real hero to make up for the lack of one he was before, while Naofumi outright sees himself as a bad person, that all his good deeds are for selfish motivations and that he's not deserving of being hailed as a hero to begin with.

Well, I think that was all I was going to talk about. Yes sir.

...

.......

.................

.....................

..............................Alta on the cover. Alta on the inner art and quote page. Most of this book being about Fohl's fear over Alta's safety. There were so many red flags you'd think the Phoenix's explosion broke the fourth wall and set fire to the pages themselves.

Yeah, this death was better than Ost's. Ost's death still worked despite her short time with Naofumi's party because there was still emotion during that time and she still is often referenced, remembered, and mourned for even in volumes well after her death, so it feels less cheap and manipulative and more like it actually meant something. With Alta though, it's not just better just because we knew her longer (though that's certainly a factor) but because of the effect on the main characters, especially Naofumi. The raw pain, the denial, the begging, the self-blame, the sheer seething anger, the emptiness. Even the way it's written when she first jumps in the way and after the attack finally ends, it feels like the aftermath of a grenade. Everything is blurred and shaky, everything is silenced except for the ringing in his ears and its not entirely clear what's going on, only that something bad just happened. Naofumi runs through every emotion you'd want from someone like him and it has an even more personal meaning than that. Alta sacrificing herself for him gave Naofumi a bit of a hard slap in the face as to what everyone he cares about would feel if he sacrificed himself for them, which he's tried doing a few time already. It was a very good send-off for Alta.

This was also both the best and worst time for Naofumi to finally be told outright that Raphtalia loves him. Looking forward to either loving or being very frustrated with where this goes. Though regardless, that final art of them just hugging and crying it out is going to hold a special place in my heart.

Trash was apparently the Seven Star Staff Hero. I’d never seen him holding the staff and honestly wondered if the original king was dead and this was just a doppelganger.

Just where was he hiding the Seven Star Staff?

After the dildo spear, please don't ask me to imagine where Trash hides his staff.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/shieldbro/comments/fndipx/read_through_light_novel_vol_15_random_thoughts/

[katierosefun]

andddd july flew by, and i’m here to give everyone an unasked for report of...things...i watched / read / listened to this month because why not

kdramas: 

miss hammurabi

aaaah oh my god the way i told myself that i won’t be watching any more legal kdramas because your honor stressed me out so much--but god. i wound up watching this and fell in love with it so fast? miss hammurabi is about a rookie judge (the gal on the right) disrupting the judicial system with her strong sense of justice. i really wasn’t too sure if i’d like her, but oh god. i fell in love with her so fast, with her desire to make the world a better place and her ability to smile even though she’s had a horrific life of her own.

honestly, i really just loved this show, mostly for how it covers so many issues in the courthouse, from working overtime to the emotional fatigue to the frustrations with those brought to court to the actual cases themselves, which are all civil court things (so we get some stuff about sexual harassment, child custody, medical malpractice, etc). this show really demonstrated that each of these cases were important--and also...really hard-hitting. i think i cried at least once per episode just because...yeah. i’m reminded that no one goes to the courthouse because they’re happy or because they’re having a good time, and it really is the job of judges and lawyers to keep a cool head and execute justice the best they can. 

so basically: i loved this show. i loved it a lot more than i thought i would, and that’s always a good thing. there’s also not a whole ton of romance here either, if you’re looking for a show that’s not really too deep into that. it’s def. more focused on depicting the legal field, as well as all of the complications that come with that. as a result, there’s a lot of heartbreaking moments in the show, but there’s also many, many, many uplifting ones that reminded me a lot of why i personally want to enter the legal field. so if you’re looking for a show that might restore your faith in humanity, then i def. recommend this kdrama!

beyond evil 

so.....it’s no secret that i’ve been mildly obsessed with this show. i binge-watched it in the span of...i think four (4) days, so that’s averaging about four episodes (4 hours) a day. let me just say...i was kind of on the fence about watching this, but now i’m really glad that i did because whooo boy, i was in for a ride. basically, this show is about lee dong sik, who was accused of murdering his sister (amongst others) 20 years ago...and han ju won, the young detective / inspector who’s trying to track down the murderer (who he believes is lee dong sik). 

lots of other things happen, but that’s the least spoiler-y summary i can give of this show because....whooooo boy, there’s just so many twists and turns in this show? as soon as you start thinking you have everything figured out, this show tosses in another thing that reminds you of just how clueless you actually are. that said though, none of the twists felt out of place--they all felt very planned and very smart, so kudos to the writers for that! 

overall, i hella enjoyed this show--the plot, the characters (who all want to do the right thing, but they’re all very jaded in their own ways which makes being a 100% good person basically impossible in this monster of a town), and, of course, the relationship between dong sik and ju won. there was just an absolutely fascinating push and pull between their relationship, lots of distrust and mocking each other in the beginning...only to slowly but steadily grow into trust and respect for each other (and in my head, def. something more....but lol i’ll let you guys decide on that for yourself ;)) 

i.....genuinely loved this show. i found this show just incredibly smartly written, and all the characters were incredibly intriguing? and the relationships were all fascinating to me? just. god. this show ripped me apart so many times, and i loved it all the more for it. like. guys. i wrote or started writing about six fics for this show in the span of 48 hours because i love it that much.

movies:

the handmaiden

ohohoho this movie has been on my to watch list for the LONGEST TIME, and i was glad that i gave myself some time to watch this movie at the start of the month, because...whoooo boy, it was so good. this movie is inspired by the book the fingersmith by sarah waters, only whereas i think the book took place in victorian england, this movie takes place in japan-occupied-korea. sook hee, a pickpocket, is hired by a conman to persuade the secluded lady hideko to marry him. the conman plans to later inherit hideko’s wealth and send hideko off to the madhouse. 

many things happen over the course of this movie, and i’m not going to spoil anything, but oh boy...oh boy. i mean, this movie is pretty well-known for the main relationship between the two protagonists, sook hee and hideko. the romance was such a ride, and i thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of it. this movie really said “be gay, do crime” in the best way possible. 

as a quick warning though, this movie definitely is erotic. i kinda knew that heading into the movie, and i was still a little caught off-guard. so maybe if you’re a little squicked out by sex/erotica in general, i’d maybe skip over this movie. that said, this movie was beautifully filmed, with beautiful writing, and the cast was just perfect. i don’t think i’ve seen a movie so beautifully or smartly crafted like this before, and i’m very glad i watched this film. 

the meg

let me caveat by saying....i watched this because my brother wanted to watch it, so i sat through this movie and...y’know? it wasn’t awful. kinda predictable as far as shark movies go, but it wasn’t bad! i found myself enjoying it a little more than i thought i would...? but basically, this movie is about, you guessed it, an underwater research facility that was just looking into a deeper part of the ocean and etc. surprise, they found! a megalodon. multiple megalodons! cue the chaos. 

so...there were definitely some more suspenseful moments. i shouted “these people just KEEP FALLING OFF THE BOAT” a few times. there was one character who i was like “oh man he’s gonna be the villain isn’t he :( darn :(” to “oh hey he has a heart” to “oh never mind” to “ooph”. there were some more slightly emotional moments, but?? not particularly thought-provoking or impactful. so like? overall? it was one of those movies where like....it’s not bad, it’s not really good, but! hey, not all movies need to be incredibly deep to be even somewhat enjoyable! (and like, i mostly just enjoyed watching this movie because my brother and i cracked commentary all throughout it, much to my father’s chagrin.) 

music: 

so, apparently my music taste changes when i’m thinking about something that’s not star wars related, and i saw a bit of that when i was making this playlist for lee dong sik and han joo won from beyond evil. as spotify works, it wound up with me adding a few of my songs that i thought fit them, and then i wound up going into the radio part of my playlist and listening to a lot of new songs, and i just have to list some of my new faves here: 

let me follow by son lux: you know when you hear a song that just feels so...strangely cinematic? like, you get all kinds of vivid images in your head and stuff? this was def. one of those songs. it’s quiet, and there’s something weirdly...ephemeral about it? that’s the only way i can describe it. and mildly haunting. and mildly tragic. idk why, but i think big fans of tragedy & the patroclus/achilles kind of feel might like this song. it’s just. god. i spent 2 hours sitting in my bed just listening to this song on loop. 

not in the same way by 5 seconds of summer: this is a public scolding @ 15 year old me who thought it was lame to like 5sos just because they were getting popular. boo, 15 year old caroline and her “i’m a weirdo, i’m not like other girls or other people my age” phase! because 5sos actually slaps, and this was one of my fave songs? idk. another weirdly cinematic song. the refrain is just chef’s kiss, in the kind of rambly way that leads to a shout. i love that kind of stuff. 

start of time by gabrielle aplin. bro...the way gabrielle aplin’s voice brought me straight back to 2014-2016 era caroline...but weirdly, i haven’t heard this song from her before? and bro. bro....i’ve never wanted to run to the top of a hill and watch the sunrise with a loved one so bad in my whole life. god. idk. if you need a song that makes you feel like. things just might get better. this one’s for you. 

sedated by hozier: okay, so i’ve only ever listened to a handful of hozier songs in my whole life (i know, i know, how can i bicon like myself not listen to hozier 24/7? le sigh), but bro.....bro. i get it now. i get why people screech about hozier. i already liked his music before, but...ah. idk. something very powerful about this song. i now understand why people want to lie down in the middle of the woods when they listen to his music. 

[ieatmypizzawithaforkandknife]

MAG 020 - Desecrated Host (part 2)

Summary: Jonathan reads the second half of the statement of Father Edwin Burroughs, regarding “his claimed demonic possession.”

I’d like to propose an alternate title for this one: “Bartleby”. I couldn’t help but see the parallel between Bartleby the Scrivener’s “I would prefer not to” and Father Burroughs saying, “seeing those bound corpses before me, I made the decision to take no action ever again.” Ah, Burroughs! Ah, humanity!

I mentioned in my last post that this episode was very heavy in the “altered reality” theme. I’d like to amend that: this entire episode was one long, terrifying fever dream. I’ve never been high but I think this might be what a bad trip feels like.

Jonny Sims et al. really outdid themselves on this one though, in both the writing and the performance. So many episodes really suck you in (not literally, fortunately - we’re luckier than some of the characters that way) and grip you ’til the very end. But this was one of the best so far for that. We get more than standard descriptions of things - we get things like that small, whispered “it was bright...so bright” in Father Burroughs’ description of the “church” and the resounding, gonging bell sound accompanying the bell-speech Father Burroughs hears. You can almost feel his throbbing head and blurring vision, and at times it just feels so real.

But it wasn’t. At least, not in the way that we like to think of reality. Whatever an outside observer might have seen that night, this statement was Father Burroughs’ reality. We do know that at least some of this episode was real in the normal sense of the word though. There are snippets, like Father Singh’s reaction to seeing Father Burroughs in the small chapel, and Father Burroughs later seeing Father Singh in the hallway, that seem like they were part of objective reality. Was this slip between reality and the illusion just so that we, the audience, knew that it wasn’t real? Or was it because whatever was affecting him couldn’t keep an airtight grip on his senses? I’d like for it to be the latter, but I’m worried that’s not the case. I do not like how powerful this thing seems to be.

During the “confession”, “Father Singh” recounted all of Father Burroughs’ past sins...so this thing either actually knew about all of those events, or it made Father Burroughs imagine that “Father Singh” was naming all of his sins (a la the psychic paper in Doctor Who). Also disturbing was the detail about its accent during the “confession” - it had “a crisp and clipped RP accent”, as opposed to Father Singh’s Indian one. The change in accent made it obvious for us that it was not Father Singh speaking, but otherwise it just makes no sense to me. Was it unable to imitate Father Singh’s accent for some reason? That might fit if it’s the same thing that spoke in a “low, grating voice” to Laura Popham in episode 15. But those are the only two times (that I recall) that the person making the statement has noted a change in the person’s voice when that static appears.

There are two possibilities I’m seeing for how this thing operates. Either it’s little more than an illusionist, or it can actually alter reality itself. The first would certainly be easier to deal with, but I’m leaning towards the latter. My main reason for thinking that is not strictly things seen in this episode, but more how things in this episode seem to relate to things in the rest of the season so far. We hear that recurring creepy static/interference twice in this episode, once when Father Burroughs reads Genesis 4:14 (after opening his Bible to Luke, no less) and once when “Father Singh” says, “Spiritual pride that has led to quite a fall.” And of course we have another appearance of creepy eyes: “the church’s large round window shifted as I watched, as though it were a tremendous eye that were turning to focus upon me.” The eye and the staticky voice tie these events to many others from the first half of this season, including a few times when reality itself seems to have been affected, rather than just people’s perception of it.

There were two Bible passages referenced in this episode. The second was Mark 9:14-19, which appears to be a pretty straightforward reference to Father Burroughs’ situation, as that passage tells the story of a boy “who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech” (NIV). But the first, as mentioned in the paragraph above, was Genesis 4:14: “Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the Earth, and from they face shall I be hid. And I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the Earth, and it shall come to pass that everyone that findeth me shall slay me.” And the writing around it seemed to swirl and was “obscured by dark stains”. This is obviously significant, given the static and the unexplained stains and the fact that this verse is actually quoted in the text (unlike the passage from Mark also in this episode, which was referenced but not quoted). But I can’t figure out the significance of this verse. Cain says the text of this verse to God after God banishes him for killing Abel. Cain is more or less saying that his punishment is too much to bear and that he fears for his life, presumably from others who will surely be angry about him killing Abel. The only possible parallel I can see between Cain and Father Burroughs is that they’re both cut off from God. If there’s anything more to this verse, I’m not getting it.

I’ve also been wondering about the various figures Father Burroughs sees throughout this hallucination. He sees shadowy figures along the street that “were always gone when I approached” - and then there were the parishioners in the pews at the “service”. Were the shadow figures the parishioners? Or were the shadow figures actual, real people, and his inability to reach them just a reflection of how trapped in this hallucination he was? And why did the parishioners come and go like that? Why were they leaving before the “service” was over? If they were real people then I think they had to have been members of the People’s Church of the Divine Host (episode 9). I just feel like there was something else going on at the “service” that Father Burroughs wasn’t privy to.

At the end of the episode, Jonathan calls attention to the man who met Father Burroughs at the Oratory door: “the altar server he described seems out of place with most of his other delusions, in that he appeared to have active agency.” We aren’t given much of a description of the “altar server” - he is tall, pale, and has thin, bony arms. None of that rings any particular bells (haha) to me, but I guess I’ll be on the lookout for a tall, pale guy with thin, bony arms. *shrugs*

“Cause of death was listed as blood loss from multiple lacerations all over their legs and torso, as well as removal of both their faces with a sharp blade, possibly a scalpel.” However, no tools or weapons were found at the scene, and “at no point did he perform any actions that might be analogous with the binding and actual murder of the students,” leading Jonathan to believe a second person was there. HMMM. I WONDER WHO THAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

The cause of death is very unusual, though, when you consider it from a real-world standpoint. It’s pretty easy to die of blood loss if, say, your carotid or jugular is cut. But lacerations on the legs and torso? Those lacerations would have to be extensive to cause fatal blood loss. It just doesn’t sit right with me - and it reminds me of another death we heard about previously. In episode 8, Ivo Lensik says his father was found dead in his study “with deep gouges along his wrists and arms”, and the coroner couldn’t identify the tool used on his arms. Robert Montauk (episode 9) also bled out, but that was after being stabbed 47 times, so it’s similar but not quite the same. The common threads I’m seeing in all three deaths are (a) cause of death being blood loss and (b) the idea that someone committed the murder who was not known to be there at the time.

Coincidentally, Father Burroughs was imprisoned at Wakefield Prison, the same place where Robert Montauk died a few years prior. I thought something might be up with that prison, so I did a quick search and apparently it’s a high-security prison for those who’ve committed crimes such as murder, rape, armed robbery, and kidnapping (Wikipedia). So there may not be any kind of supernatural connection there, but now I’m wondering if we’re going to get statements from or about anyone else in that prison.

One last observation. The sickly yellow color seen so many times in episode 18 made two appearances in this episode. Father Burroughs describes the parishioners at the “service” as having “fevered, jaundiced yellow” skin, and the stole that Mystery Altar Server gave Father Burroughs was “a pale, sickly yellow.” Oh, and that stole from Father Burroughs’ fever dream? An identical real one was delivered to the Oratory a few days prior to these events by Breekon and Hope Deliveries. And it must have been one of their last deliveries, since they liquidated some time in 2009, the year these events occurred.

Curiouser and curiouser...

This post is part of a series where I write my thoughts about each episode and obsessively connect dots in an effort to figure out The Big Mysteries of the series. All posts in this series are tagged “is this liveblogging?” Comments and messages are welcome but I have only listened to season 1, so I ask that you not spoil me for anything beyond episode 40. In the words of Jonny Sims…thanks for listening!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #349

“we’ll meet again, when both our cars collide”

When was the last time you had a PopTart? It's been many, many months. Do you like hot chocolate? Well duh. Who made you laugh the hardest today? I haven't really laughed today. Who was the last person to promise you something, and what was it? Hmph. Would you ever jump into a fire to save your bestfriend? I know I would. Do you have a callus from writing too much? No, I only have calluses on my feet from when I used to walk for hours on end. They just never permanently went away, even with grooming. Who is someone you’ve made a bad first impression on? I dread to guess what the girl Jason dated after me was told about me. I shouldn't care at all, but I do. I have every reason to accurately be defined as "the crazy ex," and I fucking hate it. Who is your best guy friend? Girt, a friend from high school. Do you read cereal boxes while you’re eating? I did as a kid, but now I don't. I just kinda stand and eat. What’s the last thing you accidentally (or purposely) burnt? I kinda burnt the roof of my mouth on pizza the other night. Do you know anyone with a lip piercing? Me, haha. I know others, too. What did the last tattoo you saw, look like? I don't remember. Have you ever given birth? NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Do you enjoy making out? I mean if I'm in the mood to and I love you, yeah. Why exactly do you take surveys? "I genuinely like doing them and they’re great for venting and sorting out thoughts and whatnot. I can just ramble and get things off my chest." <<<< This right here covers it. As well, it's just a boredom killer. And I happen to be bored very, very often. Rockband or Gutair Hero? Both are great, why choose just one? What are you listening to right now? Halocene's cover of "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. It's beautiful. What kind of energy drinks do you drink, if any? None, because I just can't do energy drinks. They taste like pure poison to me. Have you ever been swimming in a river? No. Swimming in a river sounds pretty dangerous... Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. When you broke stuff in the house as a child, did you blame it on siblings? I'm hoping you don't mean breaking deliberately, 'cuz I wasn't that kind of kid. But anyway, I don't believe I did. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes. I was obSESSED with those games as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? Tigers, probably. They're so stealthy and, while I may be entirely wrong, seem like the top candidate of the three to attack a human, be it for food or defense. And have you SEEN the muscles on a tiger? Christ. Describe the best use that you’ve found for duct tape: Uh, taping things lmao. Do you wrap gifts or use gift bags? I use gift bags, because I can't wrap for shit. What fast food place do you avoid at all costs? Arby's is really gross to me. Are you afraid of deep sea creatures? Just giant squid... *shudders* Have you ever agreed to purchase something on Ebay and got scammed somehow? No. I did, however, purchase something on deviantART and never got the product. It was going to be a present for Jason. In dA's defense though, I've bought like... two or three other things from there, and there were zero issues. It's really about the people you trust. If you get a call that says “Unknown”, do you answer it? Nnnnope. Do you have any bobble head figures? No. Have your parents ever left you somewhere without realizing it? I don't think so. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Well yeah, I wouldn't have kissed her otherwise. Would you say that you have a nice smile? No; I've been self-conscious of it since I was a kid, mostly because one of my eyes looks more squinty than the other, but they both are to me. I've always said I look high when I smile lmao. Is there an ex you want to make up with? My mind immediately screams "Jason," but I know that's a horrendous idea. Our last talk ended peacefully and even with care and good wishes, and I need my fucking impenetrable head to accept that's where it needs to end. He does NOT need to re-enter my life. It would be so bad for me. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I have no memory of it, if I'm being honest. What outfit makes you feel the most attractive? None. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Really? Whoever reads these lmao. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core and how every student's school experience was not tailored towards their unique goals. Like they try to cram a shitload of identical and usually useless information into a kid's brain to make them a jack of all trades, you could say, but not enough information they need to properly pursue their career future. It causes such an unnecessary amount of frustration and stress. I have many, many complaints about the education system, but this one tops the list. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? Back in college, I would just do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Well, considering I'm bisexual... Do you remember life without the internet? No. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've gone my entire life thinking I'm ugly, if I'm being real. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 a fucking hour. :'''''') Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? There's a few people. What is your first memory of being in a hospital? Considering my mom worked at the local hospital when I was a kid, I remember being there quite, quite young, playing with my older sister in Mom's and her coworkers' room. I think Nicole was too young to really "play." Do you have any relatives with red hair? No. What is something good that has happened to you in the past week? I got my first Covid vaccine. My arm hurts like a motherfucker now, but to protect my mom, it's worth it. Please get vaccinated. How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? That's never been my business. Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? No, but I would go to a local one if I could actually walk five feet without being in serious pain and sweating like a pig. Do you still keep in touch with your very first best friend? We're friends on Facebook, but that's it. What was the topic of the last conversation you had with your dad? I can't remember, but it was recent, because we all met at Ashley's house for Nicole's birthday celebration. How often did you visit your grandparents when you were growing up? Pretty much never, given they all lived no less than like, 10 hours (via car) from where we lived. My immediate family are the only people in NC. When two family members are fighting, what do you usually do? Stay out of it, but admittedly try to listen just to know what's going on. Do you like the smell of men’s cologne? Yeah. What’s your all time FAVORITE freezer food? Do you eat that a lot? I survive off of microwaveable freezer food, so this is very hard... uhhhhh... perhaps this Banquet bowl meal that's mac 'n cheese with spicy chicken. It's absolutely delicious, like you'd never guess that sucker was just popped in the microwave. I'd say I eat it a moderate amount; it's a reliable option if Mom's not cooking and I'm really hungry, because it's super filling. Do you like documentaries? Have you ever watched one and find it boring? I enjoy them, particularly when they're about animals. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? Ha, speak of mac 'n cheese. I love it, and Kraft makes it fine. Do you burn incense? Not as much as I used to. I love the smell and just general vibe, though. What would you consider an unacceptable first date? Going to a bar or something. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? In the head, anyway. Is there anything currently bothering you? Multiple things. Would you say that you’ve got something ‘special’ about you? No. Do you like things vampire-related? I don't really have an opinion on vampire stuff. Are you the kind of person who does not like talking about their past? I don't care. Have you ever been to a casino? No. What’s the last thing you wore a costume for besides Halloween related events? Back when I still took dance classes and we had the yearly recital. What does your father do for a living? He's a mailman. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? Haha, I re-downloaded this ollllldddd game I had before, Nyan Cat: Lost in Space (or something like that?) for my niece to play. She's hooked on it now. Are you in any discomfort right now? Yeah; as I mentioned, my arm really hurts. What do you know the most about? Of all things I know, almost certainly meerkats. Are you seeing anyone? No. Have you ever hooked back up with an ex, just for sex? Was it a mistake or no? No. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? No, because I didn't use my phone in class. Have you seen all the Shrek movies? No, which is a fucking crime. I need to see the last one. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Plenty plenty plenty. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Yeah, myself included. If you had to live in an extreme environment — think Sahara, Antarctica, under the sea, on the Moon— where would you want to live? Why? Probably Antarctica. I'm sure it would be unpleasant, being that cold, but I feel there's more you can do about being cold than being in the scalding heat of, say, the Sahara. Living on the moon or in the deep ocean sounds super sucky. How was your day overall? It's been okay. Not as bored as usual, at least. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Like... zero. I want to say my dad, and I almost do, just... nightmares make that very, very difficult. Plus his past. What does your mom call you? Normally just "Britt." Write a sentence in another language: Oh god, my German is so rusty... uhhhh... Hallo, ich heiße Brittany, und ich bin 25 Jahre alt und wohne in North Carolina. I think I got the grammar right? Have you ever sent an X-Rated picture to someone? No. Even if I was comfortable with my body, I would be way too paranoid to at any point have a naked picture on my phone, even if I deleted it. Like, hello blackmail, but also, nothing you delete is ever really gone permanently. What big city do you live near? Raleigh is like an hour away. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? omg YES Is there a Sonic in your area? Yes, it's my favorite fast food joint. You have GOT to try the pretzel twists with cheese dip. Have you ever gone to a thrift store? Yeah, I love 'em. Do you think Johnny Depp is attractive? I do. Are you happy with the state you live in? No, not at all. I hate this place. Bunch of homophobic, racist rednecks. How many times have you seen the opposite sex naked? It's not like I counted every time I saw my ex naked over three and half years lmao. How many times have you seen the same sex naked? A few times. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? I don't use a calendar. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? MY TATTOO APPOINTMENT!!!!! :''') I know I can't stop talking about it, but ugh I'm so excited. May 19th, c'mon already. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I used to as a kid. Not so much anymore. Are you in debt right now? For what? Oh god, I don't want to think of this. Would you ever work night crew? I really, really wouldn't want to. Humans are diurnal for a reason. Being awake in constant darkness would depress the fuck outta me, and it'd feel so lonely, with everyone I know asleep. Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? I don't remember. Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? No, not to my face. Who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? MY MOTHER.

[softforcal]

Wild One : Prince!Luke

Summary: Prince AU in a reality where it’s modern but there are lots royal families ruling over small kingdoms. Luke is a flamboyant Prince with a reputation for being wild and a dick to everyone he meets. you’re a Princess and your families want you and Prince Luke to pretend to be in a relationship to make his reputation better with his impending coronation. this is practically princess diaries 2 fam. (Harry Styles makes a cameo because im a slut)

Warnings: okay so there are 4 or 5 steamy scenes. they’re each different but this is smut so: choking, spanking, dom Luke, a tad breeding kink, that sort of thing. slow burn, angst. 

Word count: 14.5k

Note: this is a personal attack on @glitterprincelu. also, every link in this fic is for the same video because i am a hoe for it. 

Here’s a taste so you know what you’re getting into:

Luke forced a similar smile, “you’re right sweetheart, i might be, but i’m sure you’ve heard other things, havent you?” his eyes bore into yours and you fidgeted in your seat slightly, “yes darling you know exactly what i’m talking about.” his voice lowered to something near a growl, “well let me make things clear for you. i’m a sex god. i fuck who i want, when i want, and the girls are grateful to have even a moment of my attention. they beg for it. my room had to be sound proofed so my name wouldn't ring through the hallways every night. the girls who i haven’t fucked, would give anything to have a chance at me and the one’s who have? well they would kill to have me again because the rumours are true baby, i’m that good.” your smile faltered slightly and Luke’s widened, “so if you’re going to talk about what you’ve heard of me, don’t cherry pick darling, you’ll be sorry if you do.”

-----------------------

It was two in the afternoon by the time Luke entered the palace, waltzing past the security as he dropped his large fur jacket on the ground, taking off his sunglasses and throwing them, there were always more where that came from.

“Luke!” His mother called as he began walking up the stairs to his room, “I need to talk to you.”

Luke stopped and let out a loud groan, “can’t it wait till later?”

The look his mother gave him said no as he sighed and followed her into the large living room area, flopping his long body onto a couch so he could kick off his gold boots and rub at his eyes, hands coming back speckled in sparkles. 

splayed across the coffee table were tabloids. “this one’s new.” Luke grinned, picking up a magazine that showed him leaving the club with his arms around two models, a birthday hat on his head and his shirt missing, “they believed me when i said it was my birthday.”

“i’m sure that’s not true.” His mother sighed, eyes going down to the magazine covers as a look of distaste flashed across her face, “you’ve made quite a spectacle of yourself this month Luke.”

“been having fun.” he shrugged, tossing the magazine down as he studied the other covers.

The one from the month before when his buddy, ‘Prince Daddy Ashton’ as all the ladies call him, bought a yacht and proceeded to throw a week long rager on board. someone had leaked a picture of Luke wearing a captain’s hat and spraying two bottles of champagne all over a crowd of girls in bikinis.

then, of course, there was the cover that showed him in his beautiful golden crown and red cape getting a blowjob. that one had taught Luke that open windows were not a good idea when he had ladies over, it had also significantly tightened the on-ground security measures. it had been quite the scandal and no matter how many times Luke insisted that it was a one time thing and the girl had suggested it, people didn’t believe him.

Not that he cared at all. Luke was confident in himself and his life style. Being young, beautiful, filthy rich and royal had its perks.

“Do i need to worry about a new cover tomorrow? i’m sure your escapade last night was less than discrete.” his mother sighed.

Luke shrugged, “it was pretty tame.” he rubbed at his eyes again, more glitter transferring to his hand.

“your neck says otherwise my love.” 

Luke laughed, “shit, forgot about that.” a small sound of movement drew his blue eyes to the door as a maid walked in, “you, whiskey, neat.” he said, snapping his fingers.

“he’ll have coffee.” his mother interjected, smiling nicely at the maid who scurried away.

Luke groaned loudly, “what do you want with me mother.” he only ever called her mother when he was hung over, which had been happening more and more frequently as of late, “i’m tired.”

“Your father is stepping down at the end of the year.” she stated.

“pfff.” Luke rolled his eyes, “as if.”

“I’m not joking Luke.”

“well what does this have to do with me, i’m sure Ben is ecstatic, he’ll finally be king-” 

“Ben won’t be king, he did not score highest on the aptitude test.” Luke’s mother sighed.

the Aptitude Test. Luke hated it. some dumb test to see if a royal would be fit to rule. Every royal was forced to take the test at age eighteen. in families like Luke’s with multiple children under a King and Queen, whichever child scored highest would become ruler upon the parent’s retirement. upon initial retirement request by the king or queen, the test scores of the children would be revealed to the royal family to allow coronation preparation. 

“well, then Jack-” Luke began, eye brows furrowing in confusion.

“you scored the highest.” Luke’s mother interrupted.

Luke laughed, “that’s impossible. I can’t be king-”

“you will be king.” His mother stated.

Never in the history of the aptitude test had a child who scored highest not become ruler. the aptitude test was law, the most important royal law.

But Luke had lived his entire life knowing he would never be king. 

It was like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs as Luke doubled over, feet planting firmly on the ground as he ran his fingers through his hair, “fuck.”

“i wish this wasn’t the case, it’s less than ideal.” his mother began, “but we have to adapt. we have a few months to change your image so when the coronation is finally announced and it is revealed that you will be king, people won’t be as opposed to it.”

Luke began searching his pockets for his flask and he let out a sigh of relief when he found it, opening it to put it to his lips before his mother grabbed it and pulled it away, “for starters, no more drinking.”

“you’ve got to be fucking me.”

“no more swearing.”

“but-”

“no more but’s, Luke.” she said, reaching over and lifting the summoning bell she rang it twice and a group of people came with stacks of folders.

Luke recognized the Public Relations team, they’d tried to micromanage him when he turned the legal drinking age but had given up long ago.

“what the fuc-”

“Luke.”

“what the heck is going on?” Luke corrected himself with a groan as someone handed him the folders.

“we think it’s best if you’re seen with a steady woman. someone proper who can keep you on a tight leash.” his mother explained, “in these folders are details on all of the Princesses who would be suitable-”

“thought you were a Queen not a pimp.”

“Luke.” his mother said sternly.

“i can’t say pimp now?” Luke asked, opening one of the folders.

His mother stood, “just, look through the folders Luke. we need a decision by tonight.”

----

Luke groaned as he rolled around in his silk sheets, grabbing at the plush fur blanket before sitting up and feeling around for his phone. He messaged the kitchen staff, telling them what he wanted for dinner to be delivered to his room.

his eyes went to the stack of folders splayed out on the foot of his bed and he groaned, opening one. he recognized the first Princess, even met her once or twice but she was always looking down at him. he threw her folder on the ground, grabbing the next one.

the folders described basic information, likes, dislikes, that sort of thing. if they seemed okay, Luke would look the Princess up on instagram and scroll through their posts.

his dinner arrived and he ate it while looking through the rest of the folders. the last one he picked up said your name on it. he’d heard of you before and when he opened your folder he knew why, you were beautiful. he’d heard of you from a few of his buddies. Ashton was always trying to flirt with you and even Cal and Michael agreed that you were super cool but none of them had managed to woo you.

it was a no brainer for Luke in that moment. he threw on a long red silk robe and pulled his hair back into a messy bun, grabbing your folder and leaving his room.

Luke’s first stop was the kitchen where he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and poured himself a glass, then he went off to find his mother. she was in her office, as usual.

her eyes went to his hands, the chipped red nail polish and the long, once pianist fingers, holding the glass of whiskey. but if there was anything Luke’s mother knew, it was when to pick her battles and this was not one worth picking.

he tossed the folder onto her desk and took a seat across from her, taking a sip of his drink and grinning at the burn that seared through his throat.  

his mother opened the folder and looked up at Luke, “good choice.” she said, “i’ll contact her family and see if we can make this work.”

---

It had been a long week for Luke. His mother had enforced a house arrest on Luke, especially after he made headlines yet again with a picture of a girl straddling him in the club and sucking on his neck. 

the PR team had extensively briefed him on all the rules of the ‘relationship’. what he could do and not do.

he was allowed one shot, no more than one, per two hours with a maximum of five shots a day spread out over ten hours if absolutely necessary.

one beer equals one shot, same restrictions applied.

no drugs. except cigarettes but only in specially designated areas on palace grounds where no one could get a picture, and only two per day.

the two of you would go on two public dates in the first week, three on the second, with a steady rate of two to four public appearances each week.

“what about sex?” Luke had asked.

“if you must, invite girls to the palace but there will be absolutely no interaction with any woman but Y/N in public. and any girl you bring over has to sign a confidentiality agreement upon entering the palace, through the back gate.” 

“brilliant, so you’re cock blocking me too.”

“just get them to sign the confidentiality form.” the PR head said, sliding Luke a folder full of official looking documents, each with their own area for a different signature.

“Y/N will be staying at the five star hotel down the street for the entirety of the relationship. prior to each date you will be given information on the restaurants or outings you two will be doing, as well as an itinerary. body guards will accompany you everywhere you go and they are instructed to keep you away from all the before mentioned vices that you are accustomed to.” 

“and one final thing Prince Luke, we have assigned you a stylist-”

“i can dress myself.” Luke stated.

“Prince Luke-”

“i said, i can freaking dress myself, thank you very much.” and with that, he left the room to go get ready for his ‘date.’

---

Luke’s black boot tapped against the white marble floor as he fidgeted with the legacy ring on his thumb before running a hand through his wild tangle of golden curls. dressed in black suit pants and a black silk button up, Luke didn’t feel entirely out of place with the five star restaurant he was sitting in. 

okay, maybe the choker was an extra, unnecessary touch, but if his mother was able to draw the line at glitter highlighter on the first date, then he’d be damned if he showed up without something to stand out with. 

the sound of heels on marble drew his attention up as you entered the restaurant, a waiter showing you over to the table. 

you looked ravishing. dressed in a beautiful silky dress that hugged all the right curves, Luke’s eyes immediately began undressing you. he stood abruptly, his awkwardly long legs almost knocking over the table as he muttered “fuck” but composed himself so he could open his arms for a hug.

you grinned brilliantly as you tucked into his arms, fitting perfectly. 

Luke allowed himself to relish in the feeling for a moment before pulling away and motioning for you to sit down.

he sat across from you, “if i didn’t know better, i would think you’re actually happy to be here.” he stated.

you smiled, “all for the pictures darling.”

“so i’m Luke.”

“Y/N. you signed the contract?”

“yeah. you?”

“yup.”

“what are you getting out of this?” he asked, lifting up a menu, eyes scanning over it.

“well, i can only assume that because of your need for a public imagine cleansing, it’s likely that when your father retires, which im guessing is soon... it seems like you won the aptitude test.” you answered, not looking up at him as you scanned the menu.

you had the whole thing figured out and Luke laughed, “you’re smart. your folder didn’t say you were smart.”

you let out a beautiful laugh that rang through the restaurant, drawing eyes as people admired the two beautiful royals at dinner. “bet there’s a lot of things my folder didn’t say.”

“good point.” Luke snapped his fingers which drew your attention as a waiter scurried over, “we’ll have your best bottle of wine.” he stated.

“very good sir, anything else?”

“the wine will be fine for now.” you answered before Luke could say anything else.

as the waiter scurried away Luke grinned sheepishly, “wine is something civilized people drink right?”

“oh definitely.” you said sarcastically, “your folder left out the part about you snapping your fingers to get people’s attention.”

“someone made a folder about me?” Luke burst out laughing, “what else did it say?”

“nothing good.” you answered, “now, if we’re going to be seen together, you can’t snap your fingers to get what you want anymore. i won’t have it.”

Luke’s eyes narrowed at you. one date in and you were already making rules. rules on top of the rules he already had. and Luke did not like it. not one bit. “fine. if you don’t want me to snap my fingers then you have to wave down the help.”

“wow, you really are the pompous, arrogant, mama’s boy everyone says you are.” your words cut like knives but the beautiful smile remained fixed on your face.

Luke forced a similar smile, “you’re right sweetheart, i might be, but i’m sure you’ve heard other things, havent you?” his eyes bore into yours and you fidgeted in your seat slightly, “yes darling you know exactly what i’m talking about.” his voice lowered to something near a growl, “well let me make things clear for you. i’m a sex god. i fuck who i want, when i want, and the girls are grateful to have even a moment of my attention. they beg for it. my room had to be sound proofed so my name wouldn't ring through the hallways every night. the girls who i haven’t fucked, would give anything to have a chance at me and the one’s who have? well they would kill to have me again because the rumours are true baby, i’m that good.” your smile faltered slightly and Luke’s widened, “so if you’re going to talk about what you’ve heard of me, don’t cherry pick darling, you’ll be sorry if you do.”

you could feel your heart pounding in your chest as your eyes flickered over the gorgeous blondes face, you opened your mouth to say something when the waiter came back with the wine.

he showed you the bottle and poured you each a modest class before setting the bottle in the middle of the table, “have you two decided on dinner?”

Luke ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, specifying a bunch of different alterations on it before the waiter turned to you and accepted your order as well. 

meanwhile, Luke swirled his wine around before drinking the entire thing, setting his glass down and filling it again.

as the waiter left, you sighed, “i thought your contract specified your alcohol intake.”

“mentioned beer and shots but not wine.” he answered. great, so the whole ‘wine is what civilized people drink’ was fake. 

He swirled his wine around and you watched him, thinking about the way your heart was still beating in your chest like you’d just run a marathon.

He was right. You had heard about him. You’d heard about the orgies and the threesomes, his extravagant sexual antics that always somehow ended up in the news. you’d heard about the models and the movie stars, the songs written about him. 

One of the songs was a bop about ‘the golden haired diva’ and it had been obvious who it was about, especially when the artist won an award for it and thanked the Prince, who had been sitting in the audience with his arms around two different pop singers and just grinned when the camera panned to him.

he was the world’s favourite rich, bad boy.

and sitting there in that restaurant you saw the allure. part of you wanted to do something, anything, that would get him to speak to you in that low voice again. part of you wanted to see what would happen if you asked him to join you at your hotel later. but the part of you that grew up a Princess knew how to keep composure as you set your hands in front of you, interlocking your fingers.

“we should think of something to talk about.” you suggested, “after all, we have to be together for a few months.”

“tell me some secrets.” he suggested, sipping his wine.

“like what?” you laughed.

“dirty secrets.” he grinned at you over the rim of his glass, “a girl who looks like you can’t be as prim and proper as you seem, something tells me you’re into some dirty shit, aren't you babe?.”

you sighed, maintaining your smile, “wasn’t ‘no swearing’ on your contract?”

“didn’t answer the question darling.”

you reached out and grabbed your wine, taking a sip to hopefully loosen up a bit, “this is good,” you noted, setting it down, you rested your face on your hand, looking at the beautiful boy in front of you.

this was one of those moments. you could either choose to let loose and break the ice, answer all his dirty questions, or you could put up a wall and make life more difficult for both of you. 

“why don’t you tell me what you think I like?” you suggested, cocking your head at him with a grin.

he studied your red lips. the way they matched your beautiful red dress. hell, even your nails matched. you were an absolute vision. and there was this big expanse of space between the two of you: the table. 

Luke had never had to hold himself back before. girls were always throwing themselves at him, never keeping themselves at a distance. you were unattainable and part of it made him want you like nothing he’d ever wanted in his life. his eyes trailed down to your collarbones and the way the dress accentuated your cleavage, moving slightly up and down with each breath.

he set down his wine and leaned forward, voice dipping low again, “tell me when i’m getting close, Princess. you like a guy who can rough you up a little, someone not afraid to take charge, when you’re in the frisky mood, a little bit of choking, nothing too extreme, but i think that’s just because you’ve never met the right guy who could introduce you to the darker side of sex, the fun side.”

“and you’re that guy?”

Luke leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out so one of his feet brushed yours under the table, he shrugged, “i am, but something tells me you don’t have the guts to fully let loose and i’m not down to share control so unless you’re one hundred percent ready to submit completely, it’s not worth my time.”

what a fucking dick. he’s gorgeous, but wow.

“oh yeah? well how about i analyze you and we’ll see how much you like it?” you asked, “you like control because you have a constant need to prove yourself. you grew up the youngest of three children and you never thought you’d be good enough so you made sure you could be the best at things that are important to other people, so... sex. but you don’t want anyone to question you ever. you only go for girls who are submissive because they won’t talk back and hurt your fragile ego.”

Luke rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest but you continued.

“you’re a mama’s boy and everything has been handed to you your entire life. girls throw themselves and are easy because you’re cute and have money so you’ve never had to actually work for anything, which means, any girl who isn’t ‘one hundred percent ready to submit completely’ is probably effort and you don’t know what effort even is which scares the shit out of you. because you don’t think you’d actually be able to get a girl not already falling head over heals for you.” you grinned as he narrowed his eyes at you, “aw, was that too close to home for you baby?”

he was eerily still for a few moments before he downed his glass of wine and stood, “i’ll be back.” he stated, turning and heading off in the direction of the bathroom.

you had been harsh. but he had suggested you weren’t worth his time. And you had been warned that he was an asshole with no experience with female royals, no strong women to contend against him.

the waiter returned with your food and you realized Luke had been gone a while. you sighed, motioning the waiter over, “Hello, i’m so sorry, my friend was feeling a little sick, I’m just going to go check on him, I’ll be right back.”

“of course Princess Y/N.” the waiter smiled, “the bathroom is this way.”

he led you to the mens room and you thanked him before opening the door and peering in. it was a posh, five star restaurant, which meant that they had a full on couch and fireplace in the bathroom.

Luke was sitting on the couch with his phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other. “your food came out.” you stated, drawing his attention from his phone.

“men’s room darling, you can’t be in here.” He said absentmindedly.

“we can get the food to go but we need to be seen leaving together.” you explained.

he stood up abruptly and approached you as you stepped back and bumped into the closed door, you realized how tall he was. towering over you, even while you were in heals. his shoulders broad and the first few buttons of his black silk shirt undone, exposing the tiniest bit of chest hair that worked to make him more manly in an almost animalistic way. a choker wrapped around his neck that drew attention his chiseled jaw, just slightly covered in golden stubble. 

he stepped closer and you bit at your lip, wondering what he would do. he leaned in, and you held your breath, “you’re blocking the door.” he said, his breath brushing over your skin and causing goose bumps to appear as he stepped back and allowed you to move out of his way.

He opened the door and grabbed your hand, lacing his fingers with yours as he pulled you out of the bathroom. everyone in the restaurant watched the two of you head back to your seats and you sighed, this was not a good start to his public image. 

Luke even pulled out your chair for you as you sat down before going back to his own. You both ate in silence and the waiter cleared your plates, “would you like a dessert menu tonight?”

“Yes.” Luke answered.

“thank you.” you said, eying Luke as the waiter left.

“dessert?” you asked.

“it will look good on camera if we share a dessert.” he stated.

even you couldn’t argue with that. The waiter brought back the menu and Luke handed it to you, “choose whatever you want.”

you sighed loudly as you looked at the menu, choosing something then handing the menu back to the waiter who left again.

your eyes went to Luke’s hands, fingers playing with the stem of his glass. “you should have a professional do your nails sometime. they won’t chip as easily.”

“i like it when they chip. it’s edgy. goes with my look.” 

he just sat there and stared at you and you met his gaze, refusing to back down or apologize. you both stayed like that until the dessert was placed between the two of you.

Luke picked up a spoon, taking a small piece and holding it out to you, “wanna taste?”

you forced a smile, leaning across the table (something that you were fully aware gave him a beautiful view of your cleavage that was practically popping out of your dress) your lips closed around the spoon as you accepted him feeding you. 

he watched your pretty lips on the spoon and he felt his already tight pants getting tighter as he grinned and pulled the spoon away.

Luke took a scoop for himself and put the spoon in his own mouth, sucking everything off while staring directly at you. there was something so oddly erotic about it. 

you felt your skin flush as you looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes anymore. 

you reached for your spoon but Luke grabbed it before you could, he made a tutting sound at you, “not a chance Princess.”

“seriously?” you asked, “you’re going to hand feed me this entire thing?”

“uh huh.” 

Luke knew it wasn't a good idea. he knew you were already driving him wild. he knew that if he continued down this path... well, blue balls were not on Luke’s list of top favourite things. but he could see the way it was affecting you too, and he’d be damned if he gave up on the satisfaction of that. 

-----

Luke leaned down and kissed the first girl as the second one finished signing the consent form. as she set down the pen, Luke turned to the second one, kissing her as well before ushering them out the door to where a guard would escort them off the property, he gave girl number one a final pat on the bum and a cheeky grin, ignoring his PR assistant’s disgusted face.

that’s when his phone rang. Luke padded down the marble hallway, answering the call, “sup?”

“have you seen the magazines?”

“no Ash, i just woke up.” Luke said, yawning loudly and putting his phone on speaker so he could hear better.

“you’re all over the cover.” Ashton stated, “you and Y/N. I didn’t know the two of you were seeing each other.”

Luke stopped walking, turning to look at his PR assistant who was following him like a puppy. in that moment, Luke could honestly not remember whether or not he was allowed to tell his friends.

the PR Assistant began to shake his head but Luke said: “yeah. i went out with Y/N yesterday.”

“and you fed her dessert.” Ashton interjected, “please tell me she put out for you.”

Luke’s gaze went to his assistant who was shaking his head vigorously, “uhhh... no?”

“you don’t sound too certain bro, how drunk were you?” Ashton laughed.

“uhhh....” Luke focused on reading his assistants lips but sighed, “wasn’t drunk. it was just a date.”

“there’s a picture of you leaving the bathroom together, i gotta be honest, i never pegged Y/N for a public sex kind of girl.”

“she’s not.” Luke answered immediately and his assistant let out a sigh of relief, at least he got that response correct, “Look, Ash, it’s not a big deal.”

“well when are you bringing her out for boys night?”

Luke opened his mouth when his assistant started vigorously shaking his head and making an ‘X’ sign with his arms and Luke sighed, remembering the ‘no partying’ part of the contract, “there’s a lot going on right now.” he said as his assistant typed out something for him to read, Luke’s eyes scanned the words as he read them out loud “and i’m trying to focus on this new relationship, so I might not see you for a while.” Luke rolled his eyes at his assistant. 

“pfff, lame, are you bringing her to the gala next month?”

Luke’s assistant nodded, “uh, yes.”

“cool, see you there mate. great job.” the line went dead.

“Prince Luke, the nature of this relationship being PR can only be known to those signing a contract but due to the nature of Prince Ashton’s place in society i find it unadvisable to tell him or anyone else of his stature due to the fact that a breach of contract lawsuit will mean nothing to another royal family if they choose to expose the relationship as PR to ruin your reputation.”

“it’s too early for so many big words.” Luke groaned, “i’m going back to sleep.”

“you have a date with Princess L/N in an hour.” his assistant called.

“of course i do, better wash the smell of pussy from my breath eh?” he grinned at his assistant who scowled, “something tells me Y/N would hate that.”

____

The dates continued two to four times a week as contractually stated. Mostly at five star restaurants or with the two of you going for walks in public places, flanked by body guards.

after your brutal analysis of him, Luke stayed away from sexual topics. opting to hold his tongue as best he could. 

You brought up political topics and part of Luke assumed that perhaps you had been told to do so, to get him ready to converse with other educated people about such topics. 

Between you, the PR briefings and the royal briefings Luke found himself with not much time on his hands. He missed partying. He missed drinking until he was numb. but most importantly, he missed the girls. 

or, parts of him did. but after the first two weeks of girls signing a consent form, the idea of it had left a sour taste in his mouth. 

especially when the girls brought you up in conversation. Delphi, one of his favourite usual shags had been curled against his chest in a post sex daze when she asked “does Princess Y/N know about this?”

his heart had lurched at the sound of her name and his jaw had set as he stood, putting on his robe and going to grab himself a shot before leaning against one of the bed posts, “get dressed.” he’d commanded.

“Luke, i’m sorry if-”

“Prince Luke.” he reminded her, “and I don’t want to hear it. you already signed the consent form last time you were here and you know your way out.” 

he’d gone onto the terrace without another word, swirling the whiskey in his glass. 

he didn’t know why it upset him so much. 

maybe it was because he’d never really had a girlfriend before, fake or otherwise. it had been two weeks and he’d spent a lot of his time with you. whether he considered you a friend or not, part of him cared about you in a way he’d never really experienced. 

it made his grip on the terrace railing tighten as his jaw clenched. you had power over him. and he didn’t like it one bit.

------ 

Luke tried not to pay much attention to the feeling of your small hand wrapped around his arm while the two of you looked at fabric. he was bored out of his mind, yes he liked fashion but usually his tailors would just send him a bunch of clothes every month and he’d wear what he felt like. 

but there he was, shopping with you. he didn’t get why you didn’t just do the same thing he did... but the smile on your face as you ran a hand through the fabrics, looking at everything, he guessed you just enjoyed shopping.

you pulled out a dress, removing your hand from his arm which suddenly felt cold from lack of contact, “what do you think?” you asked, showing it to him.

“it’s nice.” he stated.

“you’ve said that about the past four.” you sighed, handing the dress to the worker that hurried over to add it to your change room.

“they were all fine, gotta see what they look on your hot little bod.” he smirked.

you rolled your eyes, walking over to the change room with him trailing behind you. he leaned against the wall while you entered the changing room. his foot tapped while he waited as he began fiddling with his rings.

the door opened and he looked up, eyes eating up every inch of your body. the dress was stunning. it looked like it had been made for you. 

“i need help with the zipper.” you said, turning to show him your exposed back as your hands held up the dress in the front. 

he almost stumbled as he approached, flexing his fingers as they went down to the bottom of the zipper. he began to zip it up but your hair was in the way.

his fingers brushed against your skin lightly as he pushed the hair over your shoulder, his hot breath on the new exposed skin. he zipped up the dress and took his hands away, eyes looking up to meet yours through the mirror in front of you.

his heart leaped in his chest, having not realized you’d been watching him. 

the tension was so thick it could have been cut with a knife, his eyes devouring you through the mirror. 

“what do you think of the colour?” you asked, fingers skimming over the green material.

“looks-” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, “looks good.”

“i’m going to wear this gala next week, with a few alterations. is that okay?”

“sure.”

his eyes looked down and you knew he was checking out your ass so you immediately turned around, misjudging how close the tall blonde was standing next to you. your chest bumped against his and you took a hesitant step back, wobbling on your heals as his hands immediately went to your waist to steady you.

you looked up at him and he opened his mouth but you cut him off, “stop.”

“stop what?” he asked.

eye brows furrowing slightly and you marvelled at how beautiful he was. a slight brush of glitter across one of his cheekbones, those crystal blue eyes, and one rogue strand of curly golden hair.

it would have been the easiest thing in the world to close the distance and just kiss him. your breath caught in your throat and you licked at your lips, considering it for a moment.

his eyes looked down at your lips and it snapped you from your daze as you realized you weren’t the only one considering it.

you had to forcibly step back, pulling away from his hands, “just... unzip me please.” you said, turning around again and looking down, “and no funny business.”

“wouldn’t fucking dream of it.” he grumbled after an exasperated breath, zipping your dress down with one hand then turning and leaving the change room and closing the door behind him.

---

the week passed and you spent each date trying to ignore him the best you could. but he made it very difficult. you touched him only when necessary, when the photographers were around. you kept the conversations short, brief, and about non-sex related topics, which was not easy, but anytime the conversation started going that way you would redirect it.

Luke waited outside your hotel in the limo that would take you to the ball. the limo door opened and you got in across from him, eyes scanning over his outfit as the driver closed the door behind you.

“you got a shirt to match my dress.” you breathed, noticing the beautiful silky green fabric that fit perfectly over his shoulders.

“oh. yeah.” he said, looking down at himself, “that’s a thing people do right?”

“yeah. it is.” you found yourself smiling. really smiling at him.

and he noticed. because you smiled different when you were actually happy. he had thought your fake smile was gorgeous but looking at you in that moment he realized he hadn’t seen anything truly gorgeous until that moment.

“you look good.” you continued, “but... i think you’re missing one thing.”

“and what’s that darling?” he asked.

you opened your purse, pulling out a makeup palette and a brush, “a little bit of glitter. i figured your mom would not allow it but... it looks good on you, so i thought i’d bring highlighter in case you wanted some.”

Luke’s eyes searched your face, the way you were appearing so shy. the way you’d actually listened when he’d groaned about the sanctions on his wardrobe the week before.

“sure.” he said, moving slightly so you could come sit next to him.

you took the smallest amount of glitter and brushed it across his cheek, eyes focused on your work while he stared into yours, appreciating the colour.

his eyes moved to your lips. he often found himself staring at them. how soft and plump they looked.

if you were anyone else, he would pull you on top of him and have his way with you. he thought about the sounds you’d make as he slipped your panties to the side and teased-

“done.” you said, pulling away and going back to your seat across from him, “there, now you look perfect.”

Luke opened his mouth but the limo door opened, you’d arrived at the ball.

---

you’d been attached to his hip all night. his hand on the small of your back as you greeted all your peers. you kept his drinking to a minimum and oddly enough, he hadn’t minded.

you answered all of the hard questioned and smoothly navigated your way through all sorts of tough discussions on politics, deflecting any negative questions about Luke’s ‘social life.’

Luke found himself watching you effortlessly converse with other royals, how graceful you seemed. but he was getting sort of bored. “Darling, i’m going to grab a drink, want anything?” he asked.

you looked up at him, “maybe a glass of wine.”

“okay.” 

you watched him leave before turning back to the people you were talking too but a new group of people were approaching you. you recognized the gang, three of Luke’s friends. among the Royal Bunnies (the girls who made it their mission in life to sleep with royals) this group was called the Pussy Parade.

Calum Hood, Michael Clifford and Ashton Irwin.

“Princess Y/N,” Ashton said, holding out a hand, “pleasure to see you again.”

“where’d Luke run off to?” Calum asked.

“yeah, i wouldn’t leave you alone for a minute if i were him.” Michael piped in.

“matching outfits, quite a statement though.” Ashton pointed out.

you laughed at their eagerness, “nice to see you all again.” you’d met them all once or twice at different royal events but never really talked to any of them.

Luke watched from where he was leaning on the bar, jaw clenching as he tapped his ring clad fingers against the table, “can you hurry?” he snapped at the bar tender, throwing a bill on the counter in the hopes it would light a flame under the mans ass.

his eyes went back to you, surrounded by sharks. his sharks, but sharks none the less. 

he hated the way they were all looking you up and down. looking at you like a piece of meat. looking at you like... like he did. 

his teeth gritted, “also a shot.” he ordered, throwing another bill on the table.

the shot was placed in front of him and he downed it before grabbing the wine glasses and walking over to where you were standing. “here you go darling.” he said, handing you one.

his free hand immediately went to the small of your back again and you took a sip, eyes widening, “this is the wine from our first date.” you grinned up at him, “you remembered.”

he smiled down at you, a genuine smile that made all of his friends jaws drop, “of course i remembered.”

four sets of eyes widen at this statement. “you can’t even remember my birthday!” Ashton gasped.

Luke rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his wine and shrugging, “you always remind me the week before.”

“he’s got you there bud.” Calum grinned.

“so... how did you two meet?” Michael interrupted.

now was the hard part. Luke wasn’t a fan of lying to his friends but he knew he had to sell this relationship, his hand slipped from the small of your back to your waist, pulling you closer, “i saw her around, thought she was cute, slid into those DM’s, the usual.”

“very romantic.” Calum teased.

you turned your body in towards Luke, tucking your own arm around his waist. in this position, your bodies fit so perfectly and that fact was not lost on you as you stared down his friends, “it was a nice first date.” you insisted.

“yeah, looked like it.” Michael scoffed, “we saw the bathroom pictures.”

you opened your mouth but Luke spoke first, “piss off Michael.” 

his strong language drew the attention of the people surrounding your group. “woah, didn’t mean any offence.” Michael said, raising his hands in defence, “just looked like a good time is all i’m saying.” 

“this is my girlfriend, watch it.” Luke said, voice lowered as he looked down at Michael. you were once again reminded how big Luke was. his friends were all six foot, at least, but he was still taller. and he was intimidating.

and... he’d called you his girlfriend. which... you were, it even said that ‘girlfriend’ was the preferable term to use when he talked about you, but hearing him actually say it was different. it had been a month and he hadn’t once called you his girlfriend.

“Luke, i think we should take a breather.” you suggested, rubbing your hand up and down his back in an effort to sooth him. 

Luke looked down at you then at his friends, slamming the wine and handing the glass to Calum who took it without asking questions as Luke pulled away from you, grabbing your hand and leading you through the crowd outside to one of the terraces. 

it was just you and Luke, the air providing a slight but comfortable chill, not yet warm enough to signify the impending summer, but a welcome relief from the temperature inside. “are you okay?” you asked as he let go of your hand and went to lean against the railing, looking out at the city.

you’d been dating a month and part of you would call him a friend but it’s not like the two of you were close and yet something made you approach the tall boy. you began to rub at his tense shoulders, hoping to ease some of the stress. 

“they think you’re just a fuck.” he stated, knuckles turning white as he gripped the rail.

“it doesn’t matter what your friends think.” you stated, “in a few months this will be over and you can go back to being leader of the Pussy Party and they won’t even remember this whole thing.”

he remained silent but you felt his muscles tense underneath your hand.

you sighed, “do you want to leave?”

“no.”

“do you want to be alone?”

“no.”

“Luke, can you look at me?”

he remained still for a moment before turning his body to look down at you.

“do you want my wine?” you asked.

he laughed slightly, taking it from your hand and downing it just like the wine he’d drank earlier. before you could tell him to slow down on the alcohol he simply tossed the glass off the terrace, grabbing your face between his hands as he pressed his lips to yours.

he tasted like wine but it intoxicated you as you melted into the kiss, hands going up to wrap around his shoulders. his tongue teased your bottom lip and one of his hands moved to the small of your back, pulling you closer.

your fingers tangled in his hair, something you hadn’t consciously realized you’d wanted to ever do. the curls were soft and you pulled on them slightly, earning a soft groan that you ate up like you were starving. you’d thought his low voice was sexy but those moans were next level.

his teeth sunk into your bottom lip and now it was your turn to moan. the small sound made his heart jump as he let out a breathy “fuck.” his hand moving from your face to your neck where the cold of the rings pressed against your skin. you grabbed at his wrist, not stopping him,

but you pulled away, collecting your breath as you looked down, his heavy panting on your forehead as he struggled to steady his own breathing.

you focused on his green silk shirt. the way he always knew just the perfect amount of buttons to leave open, you wondered what his chest would look like fully exposed and on show for you. your fingers played with the fabric just above his belt, teasing the sensitive skin just above the band. he swore again and you pressed your face into his shirt as his arms wrapped around your body, pulling you against his chest.

his skin was warm and he smelt like expensive cologne.

you both just stood there for a few moments, the sound of your facing heart drowning out the noise of the city bellow. you could feel his own pulse fluttering in his chest.

“shit.” a voice made you pull away from Luke as you both turned to see Calum standing at the doorway to the terrace, “I uhhh... didn’t mean to interrupt, just needed a smoke.” he waved the cigarette as proof.  

“it’s fine.” you smiled, fixing your dress and hair, “i should go inside-”

“i’m going to stay out here.” Luke stated, voice deadpan.

you didn’t look at Luke, afraid what you would see in his eyes if you did, so you brushed past Calum and went inside. Calum watched you go before stepping further onto the terrace, lighting his cigarette and taking a large puff, “wasn’t sure if it was real or not.” he breathed, the smoke disappearing into the air as he handed Luke the cigarette.

Luke brought it to his lips, taking a long drag, “if whats real?”

“you and Y/N.” Calum answered, “i mean she’s cute but we both know you don’t do commitment.”

Luke couldn't argue with that. he couldn’t think much about anything as he stood there next to Calum, sharing the cigarette. 

maybe it was because you were a challenge. yeah, that had to be it. it had to be. he wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted. yeah. that was it.

he’d just have to fuck you. then he’d be fine. that was a good plan.

Calum finished the cigarette and threw it off the terrace then they both went back inside. you were at the bar with Ashton and Michael and once again Luke felt a surge of anger flow through his body. 

his hand went to the small of your back, “i think i’m ready to leave darling.”

you nodded, telling the boys it was nice to see them again before you allowed Luke to lead you to the elevator. he leaned against the wall and you were both silent until you reached the first floor. you stayed silent the entire limo ride, until it stopped in front of your hotel. and then you were gone and Luke remained numb because it was easier than acknowledging the feelings and the thoughts.

----

it had been four days since the gala and Luke hadn’t seen you. things kept popping up in your schedule which was understandable. but he needed to see you. 

he was already dressed when his PR assistant knocked on his door, “Y/N canceled.” 

“like fuck she did.” Luke muttered, pushing past the assistant. 

it was a short walk to your hotel and Luke realized he didn’t have a plan on what to do once he got there. but Luke had always been lucky and he showed up as you were leaving. “you canceled our plans to go do something else?” he asked, voice making you stop just outside your limo.

“i have something to do-” you began.

“cool, i’ll come with.” he said, brushing past you as he got into the limo. you sighed and followed, “are you mad?” he asked.

you were taken aback by his question. part of you had assumed he wouldn’t want to talk about the gala. you guessed he’d be one of those guys who avoided confrontation and refused to communicate. but there he was, blue eyes on yours.

“i’m not mad.” you assured him, “just busy, as i said, are you mad?”

“no.” he said, looking down and fiddling with his rings.

“do you want to talk about it?” you asked.

“not really.” 

there was the Prince you knew. you stayed silent the remainder of the limo ride until you arrived at the house, Luke looked around as you exited the limo, “where are we?”

“my cousins baby turned one year old today, i forgot about it if i’m being honest, a year goes by so fast.” you explained as the limo handed you the big pink present from the trunk of the limo.

“we’re at a babies birthday?” Luke asked.

“yeah, you like children right?” you grinned, walking past him towards the house.

there were children everywhere. 

Luke stayed glued to your side, letting you do most of the talking like he had at the Gala. but he also introduced himself to the guests which is when he realized, ‘im meeting her cousin. and her aunt. and her uncle.’

he’d never met a girls family before. 

you hadn’t asked him to come.

another realization that made his chest ache. what would he have done if you had? he probably would have bailed.

but there was that genuine smile again. the one he was already starting to adore. you were next to your cousin, holding the baby in your arms.

she tugged at your hair and you beamed down at the baby.

Luke found himself getting jealous of the baby who had all of your attention and all of your smiles.

and his chest continued to hurt but he didn’t know why.

your cousins husband approached, leaning next to Luke, “are you two thinking about kids?’ he asked.

Luke choked on his water, sputtering and coughing while your cousins husband patted him on the back until he could breath again, “um, we haven’t been dating long.” he answered.

“oh, sorry, i didn’t realize, i just assumed because well, you’re here and Y/N has never brought a guy to a family event like this. not that guys havent offered to come, we all know they have, but Y/N can be kind of private.”

Luke’s eyes went back to you holding the baby and he winced. now he was thinking about having a baby with you?! 

this had been a wild month for Luke, even by his standards. he was confused, and tired and maybe he had a brain tumour or something because if someone had told him two months earlier that he’d be fake dating a girl who is actually super chill and has a beautiful smile and is considering having babies with her he would have said they were fucking crazy. and yet there he was.

you made a particularly cute face at the baby and all the tension Luke had been holding in his shoulders released as he smiled, “babies wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” he muttered. and it was true.

he set down his water and approached you and your cousin, “um... do you mind if i hold her?” he asked.

your cousin smiled, “of course!” 

you eyed Luke but slowly handed over the baby and he looked down at her with a grin. the baby reached up, wrapping a hand in one of his golden curls and tugging but Luke allowed her to do so. 

he even laughed, an angelic sound that warmed your heart as you watched him. you’d never seen him so vulnerable. no walls up. no sassy or sexual remarks. just a beautiful boy holding an adorable baby.

your heart swelled in your chest and your eyes widened with realization that you probably had baby fever so you couldn’t be trusting yourself, but at the same time he looked so soft.

the baby grabbed at his finger, his chipping black nail polish contrasting the tiny baby hands.

“okay, i’ll give her back now.” he said, moving to hand the baby back to your cousin but the baby began to cry and Luke immediately began cooing, “oh no Sweetheart it’s okay, it’s okay baby,” as he rocked her back and forth.

she settled immediately and your cousin laughed, “looks like you’re a natural Luke.”

a blush crept over his skin and you watched in shock as he grinned at your cousin, “you think?”

this couldn’t be real. this couldn’t be the guy known for raunchy sex parties and having a different woman every night. it couldn’t be.

but it was.

he cooed the baby for a while until she fell asleep before he could give her back to her mama. by the time the baby was back in her mama’s arms you had been internally freaking out for thirty minutes about the absolute cuteness of the whole thing and how confused you were.

you grabbed his hand and took him to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind you, “what’s going on?” he asked.

“we kissed.” you stated, “and i’m really confused about it.”

“me too.” he said, looking at you very seriously.

you almost laughed, “okay good i’m not the only one. so... what do you want from me?” you asked.

“what do you mean?” 

“i mean, we are on this contract for the next few months and if something goes wrong and we hate each other-”

“wouldn’t happen.”

“it could happen-”

“no.”

“and what makes you sure?”

“i couldn’t hate you.” he says, crossing his arms and leaning back against the sink counter.

“well i could hate you.” you pointed out, “if we make this thing real and you cheat-”

“if we made this real i wouldn’t cheat.” 

“just like that.” you asked in shock.

“yeah.”

you looked up at him, considering it, but you groaned, “fuck!” you began pacing in front of him, “being around babies always makes me too soft! i can’t think clearly!” Luke watched you pace and he had to admit he knew the feeling.

“then don’t.” he said, hands grabbing your waist and stopping you from pacing as he leaned down and his lips met yours. you were so distracted by kissing him back, fingers going into his hair, that you hadn’t noticed he’d moved you until he lifted you and set you on the sink counter.

standing between your legs he pulled your body flush against his, his lips moving from your lips to your neck as he sucked on the sensitive skin just below your ear.

you let out a moan and Luke grinned against your skin, “open your mouth.” he stated.

you followed his request as two of his fingers slipped into your mouth, he continued sucking on your neck while you began to suck on his fingers. one of the fingers in your mouth had his legacy ring and your tongue slipped around the cold metal, swirling and sucking it up and over Luke’s knuckle before pushing it down again.

“fuck, where’d a Princess like you learn how to use your mouth like that?” he groaned into your ear, slipping his fingers from your mouth.

his hands went to your hips as he pressed against you, you could feel him through his pants and you grinned, “can’t tell you all of my secrets can I?” you teased.

he grinned, pressing his lips against yours again. “fuck, you’re so hot.” he breathed.

“hmm, you like this?” you asked, reaching between the two of you to grab his dick through his pants as you bit down on his lip.

Luke’s fingers dug into your hips, “Fuck yeah.” he breathed.

“what do you want to do to me?” you asked, rubbing him harder as his head lolled back and his eyes closed.

“pump a fucking baby into you.” he stated.

you stopped your motions and his eyes snapped open, “fuck, I uh, i can explain-”

there was a loud knocking on the door, “almost done in there?!” 

you pushed Luke away from you, fixing your clothes and hopping off the counter, “just a second!” you called, looking in the mirror to see if you looked okay. you turned to Luke, “we will talk about this later.” you stated before you unlocked the door and went out, Luke following a few seconds later. 

“hey, i really gotta get out of here.” Luke stated, “being around all these children is messing with my head.”

“okay, that’s fine, i’ll see you in two days for our Sunday date-”

“come by for dinner.” he stated, “at the palace. i mean, i can’t cook for shit but i have a world class chef-”

“i’ll be there.”

“okay.” he smiled. you turned to go but he grabbed your arm, pulling you into a soft kiss. when he pulled away he smiled, “i’ll see you tonight.”

as soon as he was in the limo Luke swore, punching at the seat. had he seriously just asked you to be ‘exclusive’? had he seriously just promised not to cheat on you?

he began to naw at his lip, it all fairness, he hadn’t slept with another girl in a couple of weeks. the thought of even sleeping with someone else made him feel dirty and Luke had been in plenty dirty situations in his life, many of them self created.

and you were coming over for dinner at his place. he swore again. you hadn’t said yes or no to the whole dating thing and Luke had a few hours to sort himself out.

he rubbed at his temples, still considering that perhaps he just needed to fuck you and then the feelings would go away. well, he’d give that a try and see where it took him.

----

you expected a servant to open the door so when Luke opened it, standing there in that green shirt, you were a bit taken aback. he still looked amazing in it as he pulled you in for a hug. “so this is the palace.” he said, opening the door wider for you to come in.

you’d started the contract around a month ago but all the dates were high profile for publicity so you’d never actually seen where he lived. 

he showed you the main rooms and the tour ended in his large bedroom. bedroom wouldn’t even be the word most people would use to describe it. it was practically a studio apartment minus the kitchen. 

there was a small dinner table set up with silver platters covering the food. “so how was the rest of the birthday?” Luke asked as you both sat down.

“fine. i left after you did. babies always give me baby fever.” you admitted. 

Luke laughed, “me too. that was sort of wild.”

“yeah, i would have never guessed you’d like children.”

“why? because im a quote: pompous, mamas boy?” he teased.

“you forgot arrogant.”

“right, how could i ever forget arrogant?” he rolled his eyes at you.

“so what was the whole ‘pump a baby into you’ thing?” you asked.

“uhh... i don’t know.” he answered, “why, did you like it? would you be down for that?”

you laughed awkwardly, “Luke, these are the kind of questions you ask a real girlfriend.”

“don’t friends talk about this sort of thing?” he asked, “i mean, haven’t you talked to your girlfriends about this?”

“yeah but i mean... are we even friends?”

“earlier today i said you could be my girlfriend if you wanted so yeah, i’d consider us friends. also, you never really gave me an answer on that and it sort of hurts a guys feelings you know.”

“i am your girlfriend.” 

Luke rolled his eyes, “you know what i mean.”

you sighed, “i just don’t want things to get messy-”

“oh, you don’t like messy?” he asked.

“not really.” you answered.

all of the sudden he was on his feet, pushing the entire table to the ground while you let out a yelp of shock, jumping to your feet as the table and the food landed on the floor, “Lu-” you began to say but his lips were on yours.

as you relaxed he pulled away, bending down and grabbing you, tossing you onto his shoulder, “oh my god you’re such a Neanderthal!” you screamed, wiggling around in his grip. 

then you were falling, landing on plush fur, Luke grabbed your feet and dragged you to the edge of the bed, getting on top of you as his lips attached to yours. he ground his body down against you and you groaned, legs wrapping around his waist.

your fingers tangled into his curls before they moved to the buttons of his shirt, “fuck, this is such a nice shirt.” you groaned.

“knew you’d love it.” he grinned, helping you pull it off his body.

he went back in to kiss you but you stopped him and he pulled away, looking down at you with an odd look, “is this too fast?” he asked, shocked that those words were leaving his lips.

“no, i just want to appreciate you.” you said, fingers tracing his broad chest, “you’ve been teasing me with those button downs exposing just the right amount of chest all month.”

he grinned down at you, running a hand through his messy curls, “you almost done looking Princess?”

“five more seconds.” you smiled up at him.

he laughed but humoured you, waiting for you to finish looking at him, “okay, my turn.” you said, tearing off your shirt and bra as his lips attached to your chest.

his kisses went down your body and he worked on getting your jeans off until they joined the clothes on the ground. his hands went to your hips as his fingers slipped under the waist band of your panties, “are you okay with this?” he asked.

“i thought you were some big sex god, you going to devour me or what?” you laughed, running your fingers through your hair as you laughed.

“i am a sex god, but i like you and i want to make sure you want this as much as i do.” he grinned.

you looked down as he toyed with the last thing between him and you. 

“i want this.” you stated.

“hmmm, you don’t sound like you want this darling.” he said, removing his hands.

“no, wait, Luke, please.” you whined, “please.”

his hands returned to your hips, fingers drawing circles on the sensitive skin, “you sure baby?”

“yeah, i’m sure.”

“you’ve never begged a day in your life, have you sweetheart?” he laughed, looking up at you.

this fuck.

but there was truth in it. maybe you’d misjudged him on your first date. “Luke, i’m sorry if i’ve been a bitch, i’m sorry if i judged you at first and thought you were some sex crazed asshole, i’m sorry-”

there was a tearing sound as he ripped your panties in two and you stopped talking, looking down at him in shock. you were about to say something when he buried his face between your thighs. your fingers tingled in his curls and you moaned at the feeling of his tongue working absolute magic.

“oh my god.” you moaned.

“i prefer Sire.” he said, flashing you the cockiest grin you’d ever seen.

“i am not calling you sire.” you groaned as his lips attached to you once more. 

one of his hands moved from your hip and up to your face and you opened your mouth, accepting the two digits past your lips as you sucked on them. the silver ring in your mouth was driving you wild.

“suck it off babe.” he instructed.

you did as he asked, pulling the ring off as he slipped his fingers from your mouth, the ring caught between your teeth. you took it from your mouth and slipped it onto one of your own fingers.

his fingers that had been in your mouth curled into you and you moaned loudly, pulling at Luke’s hair as he laughed, “you like that kitten?”

“fuck, yes Luke.”

his fingers stopped, “yes what?”

“yes sir.” 

“close but not what i’m looking for babe.” his fingers moved slightly and you moaned.

“yes sire, i love it.”

he grinned, lips attaching to your clit as he pumped his fingers at an unbelievably fast pace, sending your spiralling over the edge as you grabbed the fur blanket, letting out the most sinful noises you’d ever heard in your life as he worked you through your orgasm.

as you came down from your high Luke pulled back, standing up and putting his two fingers in his mouth, “fuck, you even taste pretty babe.”

“please just fuck me.” you begged, unable to say much else as he pushed down his pants and got on top of you, “wait, condoms.”

“you sure you want condoms?”

“Luke!” you laughed, pushing at his chest.

he sighed and moved to his bedside table, pulling out a condom and rolling it on, “you’re no fun.” 

your legs wrapped around his waist again as he teased your entrance before pushing in fully. you both groaned at the feeling, his lips attacking yours again as he began to pound into you.

“fuck princess you’re so tight.” he groaned, one of his hands wrapping around your throat as you let out a loud moan, your hands going to grab his wrist, keeping his hand pressed against your skin.

he usually didn’t do missionary. it was too personal. but this just felt right. there was something about it that he couldn’t explain. his lips found yours and you moaned into his mouth.

“if you keep making sounds like that i’m not going to last too long baby.” he groaned, lips going to your neck.

“me neither.” you said, grabbing his ear lobe between your teeth.

his grip on your throat tightened and you moaned louder, the sounds driving him insane and throwing him over the edge. his quickened pace made you cum as well and you both gripped onto each other like your lives depended on it.

he slowed down and you both breathed heavily as he stayed inside of you for a moment, kissing you sweetly on the lips before pulling out and discarding the condom before falling back onto the bed with you and pulling you to his chest.

“wow.” you breathed.

he laughed, “yeah.”

you both stayed there, enjoying each others warmth as you came down from the post sex high. “you ruined the food.” you stated finally.

he laughed, “i’ll order pizza.”

“woah, since when does Prince Luke eat pizza like some commoner?” you giggled.

he grinned, “you’re right, i should get the chef to make lobster-”

“i’m joking Luke. Pizza sounds great.” you curled up in the blankets and by the time the pizza arrived at the door you were asleep. Luke looked at you, curled up in the middle of the bed like such a Princess. that was his spot. this was the reason he never let girls sleep over. 

part of him wanted to tell you to hit the road, after all, your hotel was a five minute walk away. but something stopped him and he let out a sigh of exasperation as he found a smoke and went onto the terrace, closing the door as to not wake you.

he’d been standing in this very spot a few weeks earlier, angry about the entire situation. angry about your power over him. and yet, here he was again, letting you sleep on his bed in his spot.

the sex had been... like nothing he’d ever had before. which was odd, because Luke had thought he’d tried just about everything in the book. but not that. not with someone he actually cared for. 

he took a long drag of his cigarette and blew out the smoke. he’d assumed this whole fake dating thing would last a few months and he could go back to partying, not giving the whole thing much thought.

but in a few months... he’d be king.

he realized, he’d never be able to go back. 

the thought terrified him.

----

Luke buried his face in his pillow, reaching out instinctively but he only grasped air. his eyes opened and he realized he was alone. part of him wondered if it had been a dream but the torn panties and table mess he’d made the night before were still littered on the ground.

and you weren’t there.

it hurt in an odd way. he’d expected you to be there, even half asleep, you’d been his first thought, his first goal of the day. 

he groaned and pulled out his phone.

----

Ashton sat in a floaty, Cal with his feet in the water and Michael in the shade as Luke paced back and forth. “when we started dating I didn’t expect to fall in love with her.” Luke explained, “is that even what this is?”

he looked at his friends who all laughed, “don’t look at me mate.” Cal grinned, “you know i think love is fake.”

“Ash?” Luke asked, turning to the eldest.

Ashton shrugged as he sipped his cocktail, “you’ve only been dating a month bud, seems fast to me.”

“also you’ve never had a relationship,” Michael pointed out, “so maybe you’re just in a honey moon phase.”

Luke flailed himself onto a floaty, running his fingers through his hair “this is such a mess!”

“when are you seeing her next?” Cal asked.

“i have no idea! last night wasn’t supposed to happen, the contract-”

“contract?!” Michael interrupted.

“fuck.” Luke cursed himself.

Ashton set down his drink, “you have a lot of explaining to do Hemmings.”

------

You had spent the past two days locked in your room, your phone off as you tried to sort out what had happened. it had been two days since you left before Luke could wake up. two days since he’d literally fucked his way into your heart. 

you’d hoped the whole thing had been baby fever but that would have worn off by now and you were starting to worry that something more serious was at play.

could you really like Luke Hemmings? of all the possible princes you could fall for, and you had to fall for the playboy asshole who snapped his fingers at waiters?!

you had no idea what he was feeling about it either because you hadn’t talked to him. he’d suggested being your real boyfriend at the party but its not like that conversation ever got fully explored so who even knew? not you, that’s for sure.

taking a deep breath you turned on your phone, ignoring everything and calling a friend. you’d be damned if you let this whole thing get to your head. 

your friend answered on the first ring “Y/N i’ve been trying to get a hold of you for ages! you think your Prince can give you up for the night so you can come party?”

you laughed at the term ‘your prince’ and sighed, “you know what, yeah, i’ll come out.”

-----

Luke’s knee bobbed up and down and his friends stared at him, “it’s bullshit that she doesn’t have a no partying section in her contract and I can’t believe she’d go out and not even answer my texts first.” Luke groaned.

“well she’s not technically your girlfriend-” Michael pointed out but Ashton punched his shoulder lightly.

“she’s probably just freaked out. like you are.” Ashton said, smiling warmly at his friend.

“and you can confront her yourself.” Cal pointed out as the limo pulled up in front of the club.

Luke took a deep breath, running a hand through his unruly curls, “how do i look?”

“you’re a fucking panty dropper mate. don’t worry.” Ashton said before the door opened and they all climbed out.

flashes started immediately and a few people screamed “Pussy Party!” which made Michael grin and scream “Pussy Party!” with the crowd as they were escorted through the VIP door.

Luke looked around the club. he’d missed the flashing lights and the feel of bass in his chest. as soon as they entered girls began approaching. Ashton grabbed two blondes right away and Michael likewise broke off from the pack with two girls. 

Cal is the only one who stayed, hand on Luke’s shoulder as they both looked around. “there.” Cal said, pointing towards the bar.

the last time Luke had seen you, you’d been sprawled out on his bed, your naked body only slightly covered by his fur blanket. 

and there you were, in yet another stunning dress, a drink in your hand as you talked to a few people. Luke immediately recognized one of them by his dark curly hair and cheeky grin.

Luke’s fists clenched at his sides and he took a step forward but Cal grabbed his arm, “you can’t just go in there guns blazing mate.”

“like fuck i can’t.” Luke said, pulling away from Cal and barreling towards you. a few girls tried to get in his way but he pushed past them.

Prince Harry saw Luke’s approach and smiled “hey Luke!” he grinned.

you froze as you felt Luke come to stand directly next to you, his hand going to the small of your back, “Harry.” he greeted before turning to you. you looked up at him hesitantly, “long time no see, babe.”

“yeah, um... haven’t been feeling well.” you answered.

“your phone’s been off.” Luke stated.

you sighed at his possessiveness, “how did you know i’d be here Luke?”

“the paps saw you come in.” he answered, “people were wondering why i wasn’t with you so my mentions blew up.”

“come to think of it, why didn’t you two arrive together?” Harry interjected, leaning on the bar and looking at the two of you with furrowed brows, “you’d be daft to leave a stunner like Y/N alone.”

Luke’s jaw feathered and you noticed immediately, recognizing his anger radiating off of him like it had at the Gala, and on that night you’d been talking to a friend of his, not a rival. this was not going to end well for anyone.

you felt the pull of your contractual duty as you set down your drink and wrapped your arms around Luke’s waist, leaning against his side before smiling sweetly at Harry, “i’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse my boyfriend, he can get jealous sometimes.”

Luke kept his mouth shut as he glared down at Harry. 

one of your hands pressed against his chest and you looked up at him, and finally he looked down at you. he could feel the anger still coursing through his veins. 

you were his.

his arm went over your shoulders, “excuse us.” he said to Harry, voice a growl as he began leading you through the crowd.

“where are we going?” you asked.

he didn’t answer as he pushed you in front of him and into one of the lavish, VIP club bathrooms, closing the door and locking it.

the last time you’d been in a bathroom he had been a soft boy but standing in front of you now was a very angry, sexy, man. 

his shoulders heaved as he looked down at you, taking a step forward as you stepped back until your back hit the wall. his hand came to rest next to your head as he leaned down to be eye level with you.

“you like seeing me jealous?” he asked, voice searing into you, “you like flirting with other men while you’re dating me?”

“i wasn't-” you began but then you realized, “this whole thing is PR-”

“not to me.” he growled, pressing his lips against yours.

you wanted to be mad but the whole situation was making your heart race. you were friends with Harry, nothing more. you hadn’t meant to make Luke jealous but you had to admit, jealous Luke was a panty dropper.

your fingers went up into his curls as he bent down lifting you up and wrapping your legs around your waist as he pressed you back against the wall. your fingers danced over his shoulders as he bit down at your bottom lip.

having your legs wrapped around his waist had pushed your dress up and you could feel him through the thin fabric of your panties as you groaned into his mouth.

“Luke.” you whimpered as his mouth moved to your neck, teeth grazing your skin. he sucked on the area for a few moments, fingers digging into your thighs as he held you up.

he finally pulled away from your neck and moved to set you down on the sink counter, his hands going to his belt as he undid it. your fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, finally getting the button down open so your fingers could roam his chest, exploring the ridges of his abdomen and the beautiful V-line disappearing into his pants.

when his belt was undone he stopped, kissing you again as he reached between your bodies and once again tore your panties in half to get them off of you, “you have to stop doing that.” you laughed against his lips.

“i’ll buy you new ones.” he promised, nipping at your lower lip as your arms encircled his shoulders. his hand reached into his back pocket and he pulled out a condom.

you expected him to fuck you like that but he pulled you down off the sink, forcing you to turn so your back was to him as his hand pushed you down over the sink, ass in the air. his eyes met yours through the mirror as he lined himself up with your entrance, hands steadying on your hips in a grip that you knew would leave marks.

he slammed into you and you moaned, moving to press your cheek against the counter but a hand wrapped in your hair, pulling your head up, “watch me while i fuck you.” he growled, eyes still on yours through the mirror.

“you’re mine.” he stated as he continued to pound into you mercilessly, “say it.”

his grip tightened on your hair, “I’m yours.” you repeated.

he let go of your hair, a hand coming down to smack your bum, “Louder.” 

“I’m yours Luke.” you whined, moaning as he hit a new spot inside of you.

this answer seemed to satisfy him as his head tipped down to look at where he was entering you, both hands returning to your hips as he continued to pound in and out. 

“up.” he instructed.

you pushed yourself up a bit and his hand came around the front of your body to wrap around your throat, pulling you up flush against his chest but being taller than you wasn’t making the angle that easy. he swore under his breath, pulling out of you and easily man handling you to be sitting on the counter again as he easily slide back into you.

his lips captured yours as your legs went around his waist and one of his hands cupped your face. “mine.” he hissed against your lips.

“Luke i’m gonna-” you began but he cut you off with a kiss.

“me too.”

his other hand gripped your thigh as his pounding got faster, lips on yours as you both reached your highs, letting out sinful moaning and whimpering sounds as he stilled inside of you.

you both breathed heavily, foreheads touching as he stayed there for a few moments. 

he pulled out of you and discarded the condom and your ruined panties, fixing his pants then lifting you off the counter and setting you down. he pulled your dress down, running a hand through your messy hair to fix it as he looked you over, not quite sure what to say to you, his gaze lingered on your neck where you knew there was a hickie forming.

“I... uh...” he struggled.

you looked up at the Prince, the guy who always knew what to say and yet here he was, tongue tied. “that was amazing.” you said, hoping it would help him find the right words and ease whatever conflicted emotions he was obviously feeling.

he laughed, removing his hand from where it had been cupping your face to do his buttons, “i knew it from the first day i met you, you’d like the kinky stuff.”

“Luke!” you laughed at the return of his cockiness as he did up his shirt, moving to smack his chest but his hand caught yours and he pulled you to his front, looking down at you with a grin. 

“don’t play dumb kitten. we both know you’re a dirty girl.” his words made you let out a breath as you wondered if a round two was a possibility but knocking at the door interrupted your thoughts. someone was always interrupting you two. 

Luke put his arm over your shoulders as the two of you exited the bathroom. “do you want to stay for a bit?’ you asked.

“not really.” he answered, looking down at you and laughing at the shock in your face, “i usually used to go clubbing for women but that’s not a good reason anymore.” he explained, leaning down to press his lips to yours.

you beamed up at your boyfriend. the two of you left the club, he shielded you from the paparazzi waiting outside as he held open the limo door for you before getting in himself, sitting next to you with his hand on your thigh.

“so we’re actually dating.” you stated.

he laughed, “yeah, who would have fucking thought?” 

you pushed at him and he wrapped his arms around you, “either this is real or this is the worst case of baby fever ever.” 

----

two months later it was announced that Luke Hemmings would be the next king. people were okay with it. everyone remembered the way Luke had been just months earlier but since he met you, everyone had seen the change. 

it was something in his eyes. an emotion that no one had ever seen there before.

it was the way he always had to be touching you, or protecting you from cameras.

it was just the way he was with you.

preparations were made for his coronation. his parents set up to move to a palace in the country they’d always planned on going to after retirement. Luke was in meetings most days but he always arrived back at the palace to find you, adorned in a new set of lingerie he had bought for you. he had entered a new chapter of his life and it was obvious to everyone around.

he no longer snapped his fingers at servants and everyone who worked on the grounds noted the change. 

the coronation was a big deal and Luke was worried about the whole situation but throughout the ceremony, if he ever felt lost or scared, his eyes would just find yours as you’d offer an encouraging smile.

when the festivities had ended and everyone went home, you and Luke finally had the palace to yourselves. he’d sent all the servants home to celebrate. the only sound in the entire palace was the sound of you laughing as Luke chased you around the long hallways, ready to ‘christen’ every room with your love.

it was wild, as you ran through the palace, chased by the boy you loved, to think that he was king. 

you ran to the bedroom and expected him to chase you. when you jumped into the bed and turned to find he wasn’t there, you furrowed your eye brows, sitting up. “Luke!?” you called. 

he entered the room a short while later, “sorry, i was um... just grabbing something.” he said, holding whatever it was behind his back.

“do you have a present for me?” you teased as he took a few steps into the room.

he grinned sheepishly and your heart fluttered, wondering what it could possibly be. “so we’ve been dating for four months-”

“if you include the PR month.” you pointed out.

he rolled his eyes, “fine, we’ve been dating for three months. and...” his adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, then he got on a knee, “i’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” he pulled out a small velvet box that he had been hiding behind his back, opening it to reveal a ring, “i’m sure about this. Princess Y/N, will you take me, a cocky, arrogant mama’s boy, to be your husband?” 

you laughed at his inclusion of ‘arrogant’ because he always seemed to forget it, but not this time. looking down at the beautiful boy in front of you, your heart felt like it was soaring out of your chest as you nodded, feeling your eyes begin to swell.

“yes.” you said.

his face lit up as he removed the ring, taking your hand softly and slipping it onto your finger. 

then he was on top of you, body pressing you into the bed as your arms wrapped around his shoulders and his lips pressed against yours. you were both smiling so much that it was hard to kiss so you pushed at him, rolling so you could be on top.

you laced your fingers with his, marvelling at the ring on your finger as you looked down at him. “how did i ever get so lucky?” you asked.

“well i was given a bunch of folders-” he began but stopped as you laughed and pushed at his chest, “you know i’m a king right. you can’t push me around anymore.”

“oh yeah?” you asked as he rolled his way on top of you again, lips finding yours.

“yeah.” he said, rubbing his nose against yours slightly to make you laugh. 

you smiled at each other, not a care in the world. “I love you Luke Hemmings.”

“i love you too Princess.

[holidaywishes]

The Light Beyond The Stars I

part i: playing tricks and keeping secrets

  Summary of series: When Malcolm is young, he dreams of a place where he could run off to and leave his life behind. When he meets Cassandra, his perspective changes and his dreams only include her.

  Summary of Chapter: Meet Malcolm, a young boy forced into metalwork by his father to a Blacksmith who couldn’t care less about the boys well being. Cassandra, on the other hand, is a demigod who lives with her father, Apollo, and the rest of the Gods in Mount Olympus; all of which care a great deal of what she does with her time. When Cassandra meets Malcolm while travelling with her father, the two become quickly become close, much to the dismay of Apollo.

  Warning: talk of child labour, implications to child abuse, tiny bit of angst, maybe a bit of fluff

  Author’s Note: I don’t know about you, but I have been obsessed with Greek God mythology for as long as I can remember first learning about it and my absolute favourite God has always been Apollo; I think he’s one of the most interesting and intensely overlooked Gods because he’s not one of the “big three.” Legitimately. Like go read up on him and you’ll see what I mean. Let me tell you about this God. He’s, first and foremost, the God of Music and Dance -- hence the Apollo Theater in New York City. But aside from that he’s also the God of Truth and Prophecies, Sun, Light, Health, Healing and Diseases, Poetry and Knowledge, Archery along with his twin sister Artemis, Protection of the Young and like a million other things. He’s also regarded as the most beautiful God, so like... there’s that. BUT ALSO, HIS MUSES! Technically, they’re his siblings but like, with them, he nurtures kids love for music and myths. The muses were my, and I’m sure a bijillion others, favourite part of Hercules. Apparently, on Wikipedia (super credible source I know,) there’s even a section about Pan comparing his music to Apollo’s and challenging him to a contest. DOES THAT NOT SOUND LIKE OUR BOY?! And I guess Apollo was charged with giving humans the form they have now? Like after we were split up from our soulmates or whatever?! If you can’t tell, I’m super excited about this idea and I don’t think that he’s given as much credit as he should be. Enter: Me. Writing a story about Apollo’s daughter, who he named after the woman he loved who broke his heart, falling in love with a mortal who her father forbids her from seeing. It’s something I’ve been thinking about writing for a while but I just haven’t had a chance to start yet. I have a handful of other series I’m writing as well so I can’t guarantee when the next chapter will be up but I hope you enjoy this introduction to the series! 😘

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

Malcolm’s P.O.V.

  You found yourself stowed away in an old barn about two miles from your house, staring out the hole in the roof and imagining running away to a place where your Dad couldn’t sell you away and you would no longer have to work until your bones ached.

  “Malcolm?!” a small voice called from the barn door, “Malcolm, are you in here?”

  “Charlotte..” you whispered back, “be quiet! I’m up here.”

  “Father is looking for you”

  “I’m sure he is,” you scoffed, “he’s not my father. He’s yours.”

  “If he finds you in here again,” Charlotte sighed, looking down at her feet, “he’ll hurt you worse than before.”

  “Then I guess he better not find me.” You laughed and she came up to the perch where you sat, staring up at the stars with you

  “It’s been such a long time since you first came here, Malcolm,” she said, avoiding your eyes, “I’m sure if you and him could just see eye to eye on something, then maybe he wouldn’t be so hard on you.”

  “He’s a grown up.. he doesn’t care about me, only what I can do for him”

  “I’m so sorry your father sent you away. Sent you here. But I promise, he does care!”

  “You see all those stars?” You said, rejecting her statement

  “Malcolm...” she whined, wanting you to talk to her

  “There’s amazing worlds out there, you know,” you explained, “worlds that don’t have parents who keep their children locked away. Worlds where fathers don’t sell their sons to work until their bones break. Worlds where anything is possible.”

  “I’m not locked away!” she argued and you laughed

  “MALCOLM!” You heard Charlotte’s father called, “BOY! WHERE’D YOU GO?!”

  “Please Malcolm. Don’t make him hurt you again...” Charlotte begged and you smiled faintly as you stepped down to find the man screaming for you

  “I’m here.”

  “Ah good,” the man said, “It’s time to go into town. We have work to do.”

  “What kind of work?” you asked shyly

  “What does it matter what kind of work?!” he yelled, “WE HAVE WORK!” He grabbed your arm, throwing you into a wagon as you looked back to find Charlotte hiding behind the wooden door of the barn. When the wagon finally stopped moving, you slowly stepped out and followed the tall, angry man into the tent where you were stationed in front of burning coals, forging metal together for knights and vikings alike. Days like this were long but not new, and often ended with you covered in dirt, sweat and burns; except on the rare occasions where the man, who called himself Francis, decided he could use you to trick the locals out of their money. You watched as Francis downed multiple steins of ale and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight him off this time, so when he told it was time to play games with the people shopping in the square, you followed his lead. “Hurry up, boy, we want to get to the square before everyone is done their shopping!”

  “Yes sir” you said under your breath

  “What did you say?” He yelled, grabbing the back of your neck and forcing you in front of him, “don’t mutter, Malcolm!”

  “Yes sir!” you repeated, loudly this time so he could hear you clearly

  “Keep walking.” He pushed your back, forcing you

xx

Cassandra’s P.O.V.

  You watched from your window as your mom left Mount Olympus after her monthly visit, waving goodbye as the sad look on her face broke your heart

  “She looks much older than the last time she was here,” your cousin, Anthea, said, looking out the window before your mother was out of sight, “I mean she is mortal so I suppose that makes sense.”

  “I’m part mortal...” you added, a question lining your words, trying to trip your cousin, who was the product of what she called a ‘true’ God pairing, into saying something she didn’t mean.

  “But you have so much of your father in you!”

  “Yeah I know...” you sighed, turning away from her to roll your eyes, “that’s what everyone says.”

  “I’ve never seen someone summon the light quite the way you do, not even your father...” Your only response to her was to him sarcastically, “we just want the best life for you, all of us here, you know that don’t you?”

  “I know, Anthea, but I sometimes...” you stammered, “I don’t know.. sometimes I wonder what more there is.”

  “What more could there be? Is Olympus not enough for you?” she snapped

  “That’s not what I meant and you know that” you corrected

  “What did you mean then?” she asked

  “I just meant.. we have so much family here. I love our family.. but what if I want.. my own life? My own love?”

  “You’re so sappy. So human”

  “Yes...” you sighed

  “Cassandra!” you heard your father call

  “Why do you think he named me that?” you asked your cousin

  “Cassandra!” he repeated

  “After the woman who broke his heart?” you asked again, as you made your way from your room to where your father was searching from

  “Cassandra!” your father called once more before his voice would rise

  “After the woman who’s not even my mother?”

  “CASSA--”

  “I’m here father!” you finally answered, popping up from behind him with a bright smile on your face

  “It’s time to go Cassandra” he said sternly

  “Go? Where are we going?” you asked, excitement seeping from every word

  “I have business in Hamelin..” he answered, “and I want you there with me.”

  “To explore?!” you exclaimed

  “To learn.” He clarified and you smiled at his insistence before he winked at you to follow him, “Come, little one. Your carriage awaits.” He jokingly outstretched his hand to help you into the small box that would take you where you needed to go

  “Oh father,” you cooed, “it’s so... mortal!” You laughed, looking at the small details inside the cart while your father just shook his head in response

  “It’s necessary is what it is. We couldn’t very well bring a winged horse to a human village now could we?” you shook your head playfully, smiling as you kissed his cheek

  “Well, I love it!”

  “I named you Cassandra, by the way, not for the woman I loved but for the woman I know you will become,” he stated, smiling when he noticed the surprised look on your face from the corner of his eye, “the name means to excel; to shine. Both of which I believe you’ll do.” You smiled to yourself and continued the ride to Hamelin in silence, reveling in your fathers ability to remain youthful even while being responsible for so much. When you finally got into town, your father told you to stay close because there was a lot you needed to learn but when he turned toward the infirmary, you turned toward the entertainment you heard nearby.

  “LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!” A tall man in a tattered coat called out to the square, gathering a large crowd in front of him, while a boy stood meekly by his side, “GATHER CLOSE! TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY! A CHANCE TO WITNESS... MAGIC!” He exclaimed, while a burst of smoke dazzled the locals. The man went on to do a few card tricks that you were certain you’d seen one of your uncles do once or twice, continuing to entertain the group in front of him with acts of flame and what you could only describe as.. foolishness. None of it would you go so far as to relate to tricks much less magic, so you began to walk away until the man announced his son would be taking over while he ‘replenished his powers;’ making his way, rather non-discreetly, to the tavern nearby.

  “Can I get the children to gather closer please?” he said politely and the parents pushed their sons and daughters to the table gently. The boy behind the table smiled at each child, as if he were getting to know them, and you found yourself drawn to him as well; making your way to the side of the table as he continued his act. First, he had the children watch as he placed a small ball under one of three cups he had placed on the table and told the children to watch the ball as he moved the cups around each other.

  “Where is the ball?” he asked simply while the children each contemplated an answer, seeming to agree that the ball was in the cup on the left side, “not in that one, I’m afraid!” He said, a smile beaming across his face before he repeated the trick twice, a new crowd of children filing in. His second trick involved a deck of cards, to which he asked someone from the crowd to pick from, his eyes finally landing on you and he approached you almost gingerly, “will you pick a card for me?”

  “Any card?” you asked, a blush running across your cheeks as a smile made its way onto your face

  “Any one you’d like” he replied, his eyes trained on you as you picked your card, “don’t show me but put it back in the deck.” You did as he asked, trying desperately to tear your eyes away from his, but the vibrancy of the emerald orbs staring back at you made it all but impossible to look away. “Is this your card?” he asked, lifting up the Jack of Hearts and, even though you both knew it wasn’t, the wink he gave you made you think you were in on it

  “It is!” you said, letting your mouth fall open slightly to sell your shock and the audience erupted in a fit of applause. His last trick, however, was your favourite. He put away all of his props as if he were cleaning up, and the crowd began to disperse until only a hand full of people were left around the table. He leaned in closer to the crowd and whispered something that you didn’t quite catch but it left the crowd with wide eyes. Shortly after, a beating drum began to play from around him and the audience looked for someone playing instruments but couldn’t find anything.

  “Do you hear that music too?” he asked, cupping his hand around his ear, “it happens every time I put everything away. I can’t seem to find where it’s coming from. At first I thought I was hearing things,” he explained, the children’s eyes in the crowd continuing to grow wide at his remarks, “but then someone told me they could hear it to!” You smiled at the reactions he was getting from everyone, watching carefully what he did when they looked between each other, noticing him press down on his foot under the table, leading you to quietly make your way closer to his table. The music got louder and louder, as if somehow it were getting closer to the group but, still, no one playing guitar or flutes or drums appeared. “It’s the oddest thing because it will get so loud,” the boy continued, just as the music hit its crescendo, only to fall silent, “and then it just stops!” The audience was left in awe and the boy politely bowed as they applauded him, while you waited nearby for him to pack up.

  “That was impressive!” you called to him before he walked too far away

  “Thank you,” he smiled, stopping so you could catch up to him, “for you help too.”

  “Ahh yes,” you snickered, “mixing me into your tricks. I’m not so sure how I feel about that.”

  “You were great,” he replied, “but you’re not from here are you?”

  “I’m not,” you admitted, looking down at the ground to hide the blush rushing your cheeks, “do you know everyone in town?”

  “Well, I grew up here... and I perform here often”

  “Doesn’t it ever get to you?” you asked and he tilted his head in confusion, “playing so many tricks on such young audiences?”

  “Kids are easy to trick because they’re quick to believe”

  “But they’re just kids. Why do you want to trick them? Does your father ask --”

  “He’s not my father,” he interrupted, “I work for him. I do what he asks of me.”

  “I’m sorry, I just.. assumed. I didn’t mean to cause any harm,” you apologized, introducing yourself when the moment had turned quiet, “I’m Cassandra by the way. I’m here with my father for a business trip...”

  “Malcolm,” he smiled and his eyes glistened, “nice to meet you. Will you and your father be staying in town?”

  “I don’t believe so. He’s over at the infirmary; I was supposed to be with him but...” you added, “you distracted me.” You noticed a small blush on his cheeks before he dropped his eyes to the ground and you felt quite proud of yourself

  “So, your father’s a doctor then?” he asked what should’ve been an easy question to answer. ‘No,’ you thought to yourself, ‘he’s actually a god but helping people makes him feel more important than... being a god..’ Of course, you could never say that because you’d be shunned from your family and Olympus forever,

  “Among other things” you fibbed, smiling when he looked at you again

  “Cassandra?” you heard your father say, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where did you run off to?”

  “Father,” you said, clearing your throat and straightening your posture, “this is Malcolm. He was performing magic tricks earlier and I was distracted -- entertained...” Malcolm outstretched his hand but Apollo hesitated, looking the boy up and down before shaking his hand

  “Well, hi there Malcolm,” your father smiled, “I suppose Cassandra told you we’re just visiting”

  “She did, sir. She also mentioned the visit would likely only be today...” Malcolm’s voice was sad and the expression on his face seemed to match his tone

  “As it turns out, there is much to do at the infirmary. Hamelin needs us, Cassandra. That’s what I was coming to tell you,” Apollo corrected, “we’ll be staying a few days until everything is taken care of.”

  “Really?!” you exclaimed and your father nodded, “oh that’s exciting! Thank you, father!” you jumped up to hug your father tightly and he laughed in surprise

xx

Malcolm’s P.O.V.

  “I guess I’ll be seeing more of you,” you joked but caught the eyes of Cassandra’s father glaring at you, “we’ll be seeing more of each other.” Her laugh made your heartbeat faster but also seemed to calm your nerves at the same time

  “I guess so” she said brightly before Francis stumbled out of the tavern and found you

  “There you are!” he slurred, “how’d we do kid?”

  “Hello, sir,” Cassandra’s father greeted, outstretching his hand, “I’m Apo-- I’m Paul. This is my daughter, Cassandra”

  “Hi” she replied meekly,

  “We’ve been talking with you son”

  “He’s not my son!” Francis yelled, still fumbling over his words, “no he’s my.. he works for me. Sort of like my protégé.” Francis smiled and puffed up his chest as if to say ‘look at me and how great I am’

  “Ah I see, well,” Paul started, “he seems like a great kid.”

  “Kid? The boy’s 16 years old. He’s nearly grown. What are you talking about kid?” Francis argued

  “My father and I are just about to head back to our home but I, we, would love it if you and Malcolm, would join us for some tea.” Cassandra tried to pacify Francis and the situation, “Maybe Malcolm could show me how he does his magic tricks?”

  “Don’t you know, girlie?” Francis crept close to Cassandra, enough that she could smell the ale on his breath, making both you and her father stiffen, “a magician must never share his secrets.” You watched as Cassandra’s father loosened his posture and dropped his shoulders, so you did the same

  “We’d still love the two of you to come for tea. Wouldn’t we father?” she turned to Paul, who you could see was trying to resist her charms

  “We wouldn’t want to impose” you tried to rescue him from the situation but it was clear he’d already been defeated by his daughter

  “Nonsense. We have tea ready to be enjoyed. The more the merrier!” He exclaimed and directly everyone to their nearby carriage. When the four of you arrived, Cassandra and her father exited the carriage first while Francis fell out of the side but you caught him before anyone could hear him and send the two of you away. While everyone enjoyed their tea, you could see Cassandra’s father getting annoyed with Francis and his increasing instability

  “So..” you started, trying to garner the attention away from him, “where are you from?”

  “A little town but it’s quite far from here,” Paul answered, stopping Cassandra from seemingly sharing anything, “I’m not even sure you’d know it.”

  “It is beautiful there though. We’re very lucky to live in such a wonderful place.” Cassandra added, smiling at you and Francis to keep everyone’s moods up. You locked eyes with hers, bright and inviting, for just a moment before she dropped her eyes as she sipped her tea; turning her head only when she heard a bell coming from outside.

  “I think that’s our cue,” Francis said, “it’s getting late, Malcolm. Charlotte and Marie are likely getting worried.” You nodded in response, gently setting down the tea cup and saucer on the table, Paul and Cassandra standing up to show you out. While Paul got the two of you situated in the carriage, telling the coachman of the location you needed to be let off at, Cassandra rushed out before you left.

  “It was nice to meet you both,” she curtsied, “I hope we’ll meet again.” She said as she stood straight again and you noticed that she had dropped something at your feet that neither her father or Francis caught sight of. When you picked it up, you realized it was a note for you; opening it up, you smiled at the cursive lettering that seem to glisten in gold, though no gold had been used.

  “Meet me in the square tomorrow.” The words read and you looked back at her as she stood beside her father, whose hands were crossed behind his back. You nodded to her as if to give her a positive response to her note and she smiled before dropping her eyes to the ground; an action her father was quick to realize from both parties, leading him to direct her back inside the stone house. The ride back was silent, the only noise coming from Francis’ laboured breaths, but you smiled at the thought of seeing Cassandra again.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

Thoughts/ reaction to AWAE 3x7

This cold open is… different. It has actual tension. Also, it ties directly to the end of last episode, and gods know I love that. And… it has actual speaking, too? Honestly, Anne is the typical teenager caught sneaking back in at night, while also being socially engaged. I mean, there’s nothing typical about her and the present mission of hers, but an untrained eye might have thought so.

I’m honestly afraid of people’s reaction to whatever Anne wrote in that paper. I have been since last week, and maybe not without good reason.

Have Diana’s parents learnt nothing? Not even from missing their chance with Mary? Apparently these people are immune to redemption. I hope I’m wrong about this.

Diana’s face after excusing Anne oh-so-smoothly is just like, “What has she done now?”, but she’s still not letting anything on. This is the friend we all dream of. 

Poor Josie is getting those judging looks from everyone while Billy just sits there like he has nothing to do with it. In fact, he seems annoyed by the whole situation. Who gave you the right? How dare you sit there like you have no part in this? If I were Anne, I would definitely have done all she did and more. Heck, even if I were just me, I would have done something, and I’m so afraid of speaking up… Billy deserves the worst.

It seems to me that Josie’s father is no better than Billy. Blaming his own daughter and making her marry that little piece of *no swearing on main, but you’ll know what I mean* after what he did to her? Someone needs to teach those men a big lesson. 

“Get him back”? Don’t you mean get back at him? Listen to your daughter, woman, why don’t you?

“How bad could it be?” Let’s just say you’re lucky not to know. I’m screaming right now, but we’ll have to live through this. No change comes without suffering. 

Anne asking Marilla if she doesn’t deserve an opinion, and then bringing up Matthew’s blunder… hitting where it hurts the most, that’s what that was.

“All will sort itself out” Yeah it will, if Billy never so much as goes near another girl again. But we all know that’s not happening.

What? They’re looking for another girl? “More compatible with our interests”? What does that mean? Okay with being assaulted and treated like a piece of meat with no soul or opinion? No girl deserves the monstrosity that is Billy Andrews. 

I knew Prissy would speak up. I hoped and prayed for at least one member of that family to have their mind and heart in the right place. The world needs more women like Prissy Andrews. At least two for every man like Billy Andrews. I still can’t wrap my mind around the two of them coming from the same genes. Biology and blood relations make no sense when it comes to what matters most, I guess. 

Has Diana gone nuts? “Apologise to Josie”? For what? Trying to speak up for her when she herself wouldn’t dare to? Telling the honest truth to a town of people that are apparently too narrow-minded to see it? This isn’t the Diana that kissed Jerry at the fair last week. This isn’t the Diana that would fake an injury to experience freedom. I’m witnessing a full-speed slide down the metaphorical hill of character growth, back to square one. I’m disappointed in my girl.

“You’ve always been jealous of me”… for what? Being engaged to a piece of *see above* that assaulted you? Or for being too blinded by what society has taught you to believe - that you are lucky to be marrying him and are not the victim of what he did to you? Honestly, I feel bad for Anne in the present situation, but I feel even worse for Josie because, unlike Anne, she doesn’t seem to realise that she is the victim here and has rights to fight for. I hope this works out.

But honestly, does none of the girls remember about the Beltane? Does Diana not remember that Josie was in their circle and is therefore their sister now? Does Jane not remember what happened to her actual sister not so long ago - which said sister just reminded her of, in case she had forgotten? Josie is now her sister, too. Does that mean nothing? Is ostracising Anne and treating her like trash all over again going to benefit any of those girls? What is with everybody? Wake up, people!

Oh, shut up, Gilbert Blythe! Or whoever you are these days because I frankly don’t know you anymore. Do you still not realise what this is all about?

And Miss Stacy, too? You’d think she would have a thing or two to say about women’s rights. What is wrong with everybody?

Oh, so she agrees with Anne, but still won’t help her? I see where she’s coming from, but right now everything that goes against Anne even in the slightest is wrong in my eyes and ears. I’m looking at this too passionately. I might need to cool off. 

All of a sudden I sympathise with Rachel Lynde. Who would have thought? But well, she just so happens to be the only woman in a council of men. Them trying to pass her opinion off as “hysterical” fits in perfectly with the theme of the episode about women’s voices and the right to equality. 

Ok, so Diana might not be so lost, after all. I have to admit, I squeal in delight at the sight of her and Jerry. But… wait. What is going on just now? I’m not liking the sound of this. And why do I feel like his heart wasn’t in that kiss? Why are you doing this to me? I should be excited, nay, ecstatic, about Derry’s second kiss. Not hurt by the look on Jerry’s face. What did you do to my boy, Moira?

Miss Stacy seems to have finally come to her senses and is ranting about the stupid censorship that stupid men put on the newspaper instead of the “scandalous” actions that Anne took. And Anne having a full-on raging breakdown and taking it out on the remains of the writing club… “We rest in truth”… I feel for her.

Gilbert has finally come back. I have no idea where he was all this time, but he’s back and there’s at least one thing in this episode I’m glad about. It seems that suffering does bring about change, after all. 

Anne coming back and being accepted with literal open arms… and then Gilbert’s face says it all. “I did what’s right. It was about time.”

“Anne’s farm boy is ever so tall…” First of all, yes he is, isn’t he? *heart eyes* Second of all. though, he has a name, and it’s Jerry. Third of all, he’s not Anne’s farm boy, he’s her brother. But at least we agree on something. Honestly, every now and then I feel that if I were to write a self-insert character for AWAE, I would end up with Ruby. She is just so much like me…

“Wonder if he has a farm girl…” Jerry’s just trying his best to hide at this point, and Diana looks like she would very much like to hide as well. But this is not hiding of the “secret forbidden romance” type. Why do I feel… embarrassment in her eyes? This is not my Diana. 

“I’m certain Billy won’t understand any of it” - and that’s why the business should go to Prissy alone. Also because Billy deserves nothing, whether he understands the business or not. 

What is wrong with Josie? The poor girl doesn’t even understand she’s perpetuating her own suffering. At least Anne tried. Multiple times. I’m afraid some victims deny themselves the chance to be saved…

“My girl”… oh sweet, gentle, wonderful Jerry… I fear she might not be very worthy of you right now… Also, it’s funny (read: cruel) what the fates do to us. I’ve wanted for Anne to know about Derry, but not in circumstances such as these…

“She seems to like the kissing part, but not the part where we talk”… this seems like a half-subtle parallel between their situation and what Billy did to Josie, and I’m not liking the implications this has about Diana. And it seems Anne has got the same impressions…

Poor, poor Jerry… I can barely see what I’m typing right now because I’m bawling my eyes out. I so wish I could be there to give him a hug and tell him just how much more he’s worth. Only, I couldn’t be much help because, as I said, I’m bawling my eyes out myself… That is NOT my Diana. Who’d have known the day I’d take Gilbert back in would be the day I’d lose Diana? But this is not about her. This is about how she made Jerry feel - wonderful, hard-working, smarter-than-he-is-given-credit-for Jerry who deserves absolutely no hurt. I knew the development of Derry was too good to last, but I did not expect the pain to come from within. I expected anything - society, their class difference, their families, even Diana’s higher education - to come between them, but never Diana’s behaviour to Jerry. Excuse me while I go throw pillows at my wall in rage and heartbreak. 

“They can’t take your beauty away from you”… Umm, exuse me? All this happened because Josie was reduced to a “pretty face”. But you wouldn’t know. You weren’t there. She was, though, and she seems to finally realise just what was done to her. Please don’t let me be wrong in assuming that.

“I still like you”? Come again? What has happened that might reduce her likeability other than what you alone did to her? You’re an entitled effing brat, that’s what you are. And she owes you nothing. Good on Josie for finally realising her worth. 

And you dare to just show up and act like nothing happened after what you did to Anne’s brother? If somebody treated my brother like this, I would make them pay. That much I know.  I thought you would know better, Diana. “It doesn’t mean anything”… you better shut your mouth before you say anything else hurtful about the two people you’re alleged to love the most. walking on thin ice there, Miss Barry. 

“Don’t you dare” No, don’t YOU dare! I was afraid Jerry would be just a temporary escape, a little adventure to Diana, but I shuddered to think it would be so anywhere beyond my anxiety-induced nightmares… and now there are some insulting words floating around in my head that I’m not directing at her just because I’m sure that, unlike Billy, she will redeem herself. I’m dying right here. I did not opt to miss my lectures to cry so much. 

A real quote from my reaction to 3x5: “I live and would die for Anne and Diana’s friendship.” Well, now I feel like I AM dying - because this seems like the end of it. My brain knows it’s not, but my heart sides with Anne. And Jerry. I side with respect and equality. What side are you on, Diana?

“Just a suggestion. Not telling you what to do”… Gilbert seems genuinely a bit scared of her and I’m still dying - but now it’s of laughter. Gil has learnt his lesson and as of now deserves to be called Gil again… until further notice. 

And the “rallying” that the episode description promised is in full force now. I’m finally smiling at this episode. It was high time. 

Marilla stading up for Anne in front of the council and Matthew just smiling with pride is the golden content I had already lost all hope to see in this darkest of dark episodes… In Matthew We Trust!

In the name of all that is holy, I hope Moira’s deviations from the source material include the survival of both Matthew and Ruby. Seriously, source material, Matthew and Ruby? The biggest cinnamon rolls of them all? what’s next, Jerry? Delphine? No, forget I ever said that. 

And now Josie joining in is just about the best thing I can hope to see before the hurricane of suffering this episode is comes to its end. 

The “Not a Take Notice kind of guy” scene flashed through my mind when Gilbert said “Thanks for the suggestions”… this moment is so different, so much better… My Gil, Anne’s Gil, is back, and he’s making sure everyone knows it. You should see my face now.

The world needs more teachers - and women in general - like Miss Muriel Stacy.

Anne and Gil being aware of what exactly their relationship is like (Shouldn’t we be arguing about something…”) while not being sure what their relationship is like at all is… the most wonderful paradox I can think of right now. We’re getting a Shirbert kiss… in, like, season 6 or something, but it’s worth waiting for. Some slowburns should remain slowburns. 

The spelling… oh gods, the spelling! #Shirbert

When Anne mentioned Winifred, I couldn’t help thinking of that time she mentioned Ruby… why do you do this to the guy, Anne? He’s trying to take a step forward, I can see that he really is. 

Wait, what is happening? Why do they always make screens so dark, I can’t see what’s going on at all. 

Oh no! When Miss Stacy mentioned the building spontaneously combusting, I didn’t think that was foreshadowing… but then, if I remember correctly, a fire was what made Anne and Ruby friends, so we never know - something good might come out of this. I hope so.

To sum up, in this episode we saw: Anne’s actions and their disastrous outcome; the town isn’t ready to accept the changes that are happening inevitably; Billy is an a**hole, Prissy is an icon - no surprises in either situation; Diana is not Diana; Josie doesn’t realise she’s a victim and has a voice; all the girls except Anne suffer from what we over at TV tropes call Aesop Amnesia about Beltane; Derry’s second kiss was nothing like the first one; Gilbert is BACK; Ruby is me; this is NOT MY DIANA; Anne finds out about Derry in the worst way imaginable; Jerry suffers and I want to kill someone because of it; the fall of Diana and what seems like, but is hopefully not, the death of Anne and Diana’s friendship; Josie realises her worth and puts Billy in his place; Gilbert is back like he’s never been gone; rallying and organised action at its best; In Matthew We Trust; Josie is back for the better; Shirbert knowing their relationship and not knowing it at the same time; Anne mentions another girl yet again - some people never learn; Miss Stacy unknowingly predicted the fire.

[onestowatch]

Ant Clemons Is Just Getting Started [Q&A]

Photo By: Dominique Ross

Ant Clemons is ready for the spotlight. The LA-based singer/songwriter has been a budding songwriter in the LA scene for a few years now. He’s secured placements with Luke James, Kali Uchis, and Noah Cyrus to name a few. His biggest break was when he appeared on “All Mine,” track three on Kanye West’s 2018 project, Ye. Since then, Clemons has been nominated for multiple Grammys, collaborated with Pharrell and The Neptunes, performed with Kanye West at Coachella, and much more. But where did his story start?

Ant Clemons grew up in Willingboro, New Jersey. Willingboro is a small town about thirty minutes outside of Philadelphia. The oldest of three children, Ant described his childhood as a creatively expressive environment. Besides singing in his church choir, and his budding career as a Michael Jackson impersonator, young Ant would perform with his sisters at family events. “We wanted to be the Jackson Five so bad, but my parents only had three kids.” The creative gene came from his parents. His father had a famous falsetto and his mother was a trained dancer. Music was always played in their household. “I equate my childhood to The Cosby Show. We had some great times. I remember having amazing times at Christmas. Music was always on in the house. Someone was always singing or trying to sing.”

Clemons’ seemingly perfect childhood definitely had its share of trials and tribulations. Around 2009, his parents got divorced and he ended up moving with his mom to a small town called Pennsauken, right outside of Philadelphia. In the wake of the divorce, Clemons began taking his singing and songwriting more seriously. Shortly after moving to Pennsauken, he met Frankie Hill, Julian Tabb, Michael Stargel, Ross Richards, and Theo Robinson. Like Clemons, they were also into making music. Shortly after, they formed a group called The Committee. “To this day, they’re some of my best friends. We were all working on music 24/7. So, it was a great way to transition into my new surroundings and distract me from some of the things I was going through.”

Being a part of The Committee helped Clemons sharpen his writing and singing skills. To make money, Clemons started waiting tables at a Red Lobster in his town. As his ambitions grew, he wanted to get closer to the music industry and make his career as a songwriter a reality. For a lot of people, the first step in that journey is tasking a trip to Los Angeles. Describing his first impression of LA, Clemons says “I only stayed for like a week and a half, but I knew from the time I walked out of LAX that this is where I needed to be. It’s nice all the time. Everybody was always smiling. This is the best place in the world. Like, I have to be here”

Lucky for him, his bosses at Red Lobster were extremely supportive of his dream. “They knew that music was my number one priority. So, when opportunities popped up in LA, they were more than supportive. They wiped tell me “go out there for as long as you need. Your job is here for you when you come back.” His family was also a major source of support for him. “Having supportive parents was everything. At the time, I was living with my mom. So, she was the main push, but both of them are just hella supportive of anything my sisters and I ever wanted to do. I know that not everybody grows up with that kind of support. But I had amazing parents that set an amazing foundation for me to just be whoever I wanted to be. None of my successes is possible without them.”

In 2017, Clemons made the full time move to LA. When he first got to LA, he was sleeping on couches and floors. Triangle Park, an LA-based music production crew, let him crash with them. But there was one caveat - He had to write one song per day. Reminiscing on that time, Clemons said “I just knew God wouldn't place me anywhere that I wouldn’t be able to succeed. I had a motivation get off the floor, so I was working really hard. Back when I lived near Philly, it was normal to make seven or eight songs a day. When I came out to LA, I saw that people were working at a different pace, so I put my head down and kept going. I learned that what I thought was normal was going to be the thing that set me apart from everybody else.

Things started moving for Clemons in Los Angeles when he met fellow Willingboro native, Ryan Toby. Ryan Toby was part of the early 2000s R&B/Hip-Hop group, City High. Bonding over music and their hometown connection, they started making music together. This relationship led to Clemons working with Luke James which is how he landed his first placement as a songwriter on “Drip.” Around this time, he was also introduced to the Producer Bongo By The Way. When they first got in the studio together, they made eleven songs and they were locked in ever since. Bongo would go on to introduce Clemons to Jeremih which was the catalyst for Clemons’ big break.

When Kanye West was recording Ye in Wyoming, he asked Jeremih to come to Wyoming and work on music for the album. One of the ideas he played for Kanye was an idea that he made with Ant Clemons. This idea turned into “All Mine.” It was at this point that Clemons’ life would change.

Being featured on a song with Kanye West can instantly change your life and bring you a massive amount of attention. Describing that time of transition, Clemons says, “Ye’s album dropped in June and by September, I was with him 24/7. We went from Chicago to SNL in New York, back to Chicago, and then to Uganda. It was all happening so fast. It was crazy.”

Entering the orbit of a revered musician like Kanye West could be very unnerving, but Clemons said being around West was quite the opposite. “The crazy part of working on music with Ye was that he was just a big fan of whatever I was doing. He would say ‘Bro, I want you to just be you. Keep being you. Do whatever makes you, you. Just keep doing you.’”

Fast forward to Coachella 2019. Kanye West has invited Clemons to perform a song, “Water”, made earlier that week, for an Easter edition of Sunday Service. Describing that moment, Clemons said, “For me, it was like when the Jackson 5 performed with Diana Ross for the first time on the Ed Sullivan Show. It was amazing. I'm performing at Coachella for the first time by praising the Lord with one of my favorite artists of all time. God is too good”

“Water” would go on to appear on West’s gospel album, Jesus Is King, later that year. In recent years, West has shifted his musical focus to Gospel with the release of Jesus Is King and the upcoming Jesus Is Born. Knowing that Clemons is a man of faith, I asked him how his faith has helped him navigate the treacherous nature of the music industry. He said, “God’s timing is always immaculate, and I learned not to question what happens. If you have a strong relationship with God, he will lead you through any situation”

A lot of artists would be happy living in the light of Kanye West. But Clemons has way more to do. Speaking on his transition from songwriter to a solo act, Clemons said, “I wanted my first official release to be something undeniable. I wanted something that showcased my songwriting abilities but was also relatable. I think “Four Letter Word” is such an amazing song. I want my music to be played now and ten years from now. Not only is it an ode to a relationship I was in but it’s about my relationship with God. I was happy to talk about it in a cooler way with up-tempo and contemporary sounds and being able to work with Timbaland on the song was a dream come true. My goal for the project was to tell my story and approach it like the artists I was inspired by.”

His debut EP, HAPPY 2 BE HERE has something for everybody. “I wanted to tell my story. I wanted to take the listener on a journey with cool concepts. I wanted to talk about love. I wanted to have something people could dance to. I wanted to tell stories. Most importantly, I just wanted to create songs people could listen to every day.”

I would say Clemons has achieved his goal. Look out for more music and collaborations from Clemons. Stream HAPPY 2 BE HERE below.

[lost-kinn]

so since we’re all talking about the pale king, i’d like to talk about the moment you see the pale king and realize Hey @ Team Cherry Why’s He So God Damn Short?

i’d like to pose the idea that it is crucial in any coming-of-age story to realize that your parents are people too, because this is what enables you to grow past them and cease to be defined by them.

and if there was ever a coming-of-age story, it’d be hollow knight. it’s the story about the knight growing up, finding out who they are, and becoming their most realized self--which might be returning to the greater void, or becoming the shade lord, depending on your opinion on which ending is the “True” ending. 

but growing up is, as hollow knight recognizes, not only reconciling yourself with your parents. it’s an act of reconciling who you are in relation to your society, to your peers, to your place and history, and religions if they’re involved in any of the aforementioned things.

so just to put that out there: i do think that one of the big narrative arcs of hollow knight is for the knight to grow up, and the rest of this argument follows that one of the big goals of the game is charting the knight’s journey in growing up.

for a child to grow up, they have to realize that their parents are not infallible.

and in order for a person to self-actualize themselves outside of the totalizing influence of a state or god, they also have to realize that their societies and their gods are not infallible.

it’s a very good thing, then, that the pale king is a triple-whammy of three of the most prevalent patriarchal figures of all time: Patriarch, God, and State.  

firstly, i want to highlight that when it comes to fathers, there’s a pretty common narrative that because a child is so young, all they know is their father and their father’s influence (or their parent’s influence, alternatively). their parent’s influence is totalizing.

in the process of having such an all-encompassing influence on their child and their child’s world, the parent creates their child, both biologically and in the act of raising their child.

it’s the issue of “raising” that hollow knight does a really good job of expanding.

think about your own childhood. was it necessarily your parents who had complete influence over you? considering that most of us spend seven hours in school every day, can we say that our parents are most influential, even if our parents were very involved in our lives (to say nothing of people with less involved parents)?

think about the way the government structured your schooling. even if you went to private school, the government still had standardized tests. if you went to public school, the state had a say in everything you learned, the people you were in contact with, even what you wore and what you ate.

if you spent any time in church, religion had a direct impact on your life. but even if you didn’t, religion shaped the history of the country you’re in, shapes the way that you probably think about the world, shapes the values you hold, just by osmosis.

when it comes to creating (“raising”) a young person, hollow knight rightfully pings three sources: parentage/family, state, and god:

1) their influence is usually complete and all-encompassing. particularly in a monarchy, government rule and influence is complete and supreme. in conceptualizations of god, gods are omnipotent and omniscient. for a young child, their parent’s influence is similarly complete.

2) gods are the creation myth of how everything came to be, and the way that the world should be. states will usually also tell you something similar; the american government spoonfeeds a particular history about the american revolution, for example, and posits a set of values such as freedom, individuality, and meritocracy, and all of these values can be difficult to see alternatives to if you’ve never known anything different. similarly, a parent will also provide for you a genesis story—quite literally, your parent fucked your other parent and then you happened—and also impose a set of values.

3) because of these previous two points, family, god, and state are the processes by which people are created, as a direct consequence of the all-encompassing influence they wield.

in hallownest, these influences are easy to see. gods are so prevalent for the sheer extent of their influence, their ability to shape their followers and their subjects to their will (e.g. unn and the mosskin, grimm and the grimm troupe). the extent of hallownest’s government was so strong that its monarch was revered as a god. the actual subjects of the city of tears are physically molded to the king’s will, and the followers of unn, the grimm troupe, and the radiance are all physically altered by the god’s influence. vespa commands a similar control over her hive even in death, even though she’s only a queen and not a god.

the expansiveness of god’s influence is also what aligns god so well with the state, of course; they’re hugely influential, they tell you why the world is the way it is, and they also tell you the way the world should be, brooking (usually) no argument.

we can see this easily paralleled with the child’s point of view of their parent when they’re very young; unable to see past their parent’s influence, their parent’s influence is totalizing.

    of course, the reason why it’s important to see that influence and to name the sources of these influences is because this pattern of influencing the world had some pretty disastrous effects for literally everyone.

a lot of hollow knight is realizing that the kingdom-state of hallownest gave you, the knight, a VERY short end of a societal bargain.

like. that society killed you (the knight), and your siblings, so that it could maintain itself.

hallownest is a Fucked Up Place, one that structured its entire society to give you, the knight, a REALLY short end of a bargain. your society--the kingdom of hallownest--did you, the knight, a huge fucking dirty.

here’s the thing about tying father, god, and state together: it provides the player with personal, ideological, and political reasons to say, “fuck this system.”

it collapses the knight’s coming of age story as a young child into an adult with other storylines, such as the knight’s ascension to godhood and the killing of god herself, and knight’s ascension to kinghood and overthrowing the last vestiges of hallownest (also known as being a revolutionary).

it’s not just that your personal father fucked up—it’s the realization that the entire society has done you wrong, and needs to be either fixed or surpassed. at the very least, it needs to be recognized for its shortcomings. (again, remember that it’s not just a parent who raises a child; it’s an entire society that has a hand in it.)

the pale king becomes the focus of that, even though we know that there were multiple other people who were involved in the plan--the white lady, for one, but it seems like even ogrim was aware of the plan to sacrifice thk, and deemed it an acceptable sacrifice so that hallownest could maintain its power. 

in short, the pale king becomes the embodiment of all of these plotlines in one person.

he gives give the state’s power a face and a name, and that’s not incorrect, per se, since hallownest is a monarchy. he gives godhood a face and a name.

the pale king is a character that says there is no divide between political and personal. it is all personal. the state if our father, god is the state, and if we want to settle the score for the wrongs that have been done to us (and i mean us as both the knight and us as players), then we need to start looking at family, god, and state.

and in hollow knight, the narrative has neatly combined all of these into one character.

    ultimately, the reason why it’s so important to embody father, state, and god all in the same body is because then the issue becomes manageable.

and by manageable, i mean SHORT.

(firstly, i should add that it’s not like the coalescing of father, state, and god is uncommon. if you wanna know how common it is, take a look at that old joke about how the final boss of any JRPG is either god, your father, or both. for a really prominent cultural example, take a look at none other than gendo ikari, who’s shinji’s father, the director of the instution that runs shinji’s life (“state”), and aspires to either kill god or become god or both, depending on your interpretation of evangelion.

and hollow knight brings up this conflation of father, state, and god in a lot of other ways, which i think is important to note. it’s not like the pale king has a monopoly on it. see: the hunter’s remark where he says that the sum of his being goes to the knight because he has “no children, no subjects, no followers.” see also: grimm, who’s an excellent foil to the pale king in this way; he is the master/monarch of his troupe (state), he is a god and The Singular God of his domain, and he’s also a literal father. like, that last bit is almost the entire point of the grimm troupe DLC.)

but returning to my point, the pale king embodies all three at once partly because he then because easily targetable.

it’s like that old adage they say about the monster in a horror film—the monster is only scary up until the point that you see it, and realize that it has a corporeal body that you can kill. (monster theory operates on this, anyway—monsters put a vague, incorporeal anxiety into physical body, which you can then confront.)

but also think about it in terms of government. locating the state in a single person makes it easier to oppose, easier for you to locate its “source.” think about a lot of governments today: their “rulers” are more dispersed, but therefore are more dispersed, and therefore society is more difficult to revolutionize. locating everything within the pale king cuts down the entire idea of The State to a human size.

and think about it terms of god, too. god’s been discussed to death--possibly literally--for centuries. nietzsche declared god dead in 1882. hegel posited that god was only a reflection of ourselves, in that we have created the world around us with the power innate to human beings, and then created god to house that power and use that power against us. god’s been dying for a long-ass time, and it’s been a huge source of both liberation and anxiety, because if there’s no god to keep the world together, what the fuck are we supposed to do? at least when there was a god that ran everything, we had someone to be fucking pissed at when shit went wrong.

and then you put all three of these into a physical body—

—and he’s SHORT.

ITTY BITTY.

TEENY TINY.

and then to add on to the fact that he’s short—poke around the white palace and the extra lore, and you realize that the pale king would have lost in a fight to the radiance because he wasn’t invincible, and that he was desperate for a solution, and that he made some good decisions and some fucking awful decisions, and his influence on the world was insane in its reach but he was still a person who walked on two legs and had a child and a wife and probably actually felt some kind of positive emotion for both of them. this is the part where we realize that the pale king is not infallible, and isn’t some cartoon villain who controlled everything everywhere.

the moment you see the pale king with your own eyes is seeing that the Very Society You Live In, the same society that fucked you over so horrendously, was made by a person who was fallible and even weak like you. this is the culmination of the storyline of the knight as someone who, literally, overthrows the last vestiges of hallownest, and surpasses the society that victimized them.

god was made--or maybe is--a person like you. this is the culmiation of the storyline of the knight who kills god and becomes their own god in the godmaster ending.

your parents are people like you. this is the culmination of the storyline in which the knight grows up.

you were made by people like you. the processes by which you were made are not beyond your power.

the process of growing up, as described by hollow knight, is empowerment. it’s realizing that you have more control than you thought.

like a child realizing that their parent is human for the first time, they realize that their parent’s influence, the world created by their parent, is not infallible or invincible. they realize that their parent’s influence on them is vast, but has a limit. and that this isn’t terrifying or awful, but is a freeing experience. they realize that their parent’s influence can be escaped, destroyed, or surpassed.

in the act of recognizing the humanity of the people who created you, you can recognize firstly the limitations of their power, and the extent of your own.

if they could do those sorts of great feats while also being a fallible person, then so can you.

the playing field becomes equal. they were a person. you’re a person. 

if the pale king is a person, then the pale king is no longer a cataclysmic event that happened to you (the knight). and the instant the pale king is no longer a chaotic, incomprehensible event that Happened To You, you can remove yourself from the position of a passive receptor of someone else’s actions.

you (the knight) are not simply void to be molded by a god, or a knight to be molded by a king, or a child to be molded by your father. you, the knight, are a person.

you, the knight, the victim of this situation, don’t just have to lie back then and let yourself be defined by your own persecutor, or the society that threw you away, and no longer have to be defined purely by your own tragedy.

you have to become more than your tragedy to become a person, but before you can do that, you have to realize that your persecutor had his limits too. you have to define yourself, and your own abilities and your own power, beyond the scope of your persecution.

the pale king needs to be more than the cause of a tragedy to let you do that. he needs to have limits, and in order to grow past him, his limits have to be seen for what they are.

now, let me say for the record: you need never forgive a persecutor, and personally speaking, i don’t recommend it. but i’d propose that it is required to their strengths, their failings, their mistakes, and their limitations, that you can really start to grow past them. and that hollow knight makes this requirement pretty literal, in that you have to see the pale king (and the white lady) to get voidheart.

you can only realize yourself and your potential when you’ve seen, for your own eyes, the remaining husk of your god, your state, and your father, sitting small and shriveled and dead on his throne. 

[oystersandpearls]

PEARL VICTOR ( CAMILLE WINBUSH ) is a 17 year old JUNIOR student at Broadripple Academy. SHE is originally from COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA but moved to Broadripple ONE YEAR ago. SHE is HARD-WORKING and SPIRITED but can also be BLUNT and INATTENTIVE.  

1. Full Name?

Pearl Eunice Victor.

2. Preferred Names or Nicknames?

None! Pearl is Pearl, end of story.

3. What does their name mean? Does it have any significance in their family? Do they like their name?

Pearl was named in memory of her great-grandmother, and that mantle is something she wears with-well, not a sense of pride, but a sense of duty. Eunice was just a name they thought sounded nice, although it’s original form does mean victory in Greek, which might make it a teensy bit redundant. Oops!

4. Age and Date of Birth?

17! She was born May 20th, 2002.

5. Gender and Pronouns?

Cis female (she/her).

6. Hometown?

Columbia, South Carolina. As such, Broadripple has been a fairly big shift for Pearl, but she’s trying to deal with it as best she can!

7. Does your character fit into any well known archetypes or tropes?

Bits of Pearl’s demeanor do fall into the classic Southern Belle archetype, generally sweet if also fairly hard-headed if there’s something she wants to fight for, but she’s not exactly accustomed to rural life.

8. How long have they been at Broadripple?

Pearl transferred into Broadripple for her sophomore year of high school, and has remained there ever since.

9. What led them to apply to Broadripple? Was it a decision made by them or by their parents/guardians or somewhere in between?

It was a joint decision, although one that was largely made by her father, a pastor at the largest AME church in Columbia. Despite Broadripple being a Catholic institution, he felt that it’s reputation meant that his beloved daughter, his only female child as well as his youngest, deserved to have the opportunities that being a Broadripple student would provide.

10. Whether they’ve been at Broadripple four days or four years, do they enjoy it? Do they like Broadripple?

In all honestly, Pearl doesn’t know if she can say that she enjoys Broadripple or not. Sure, it’s facilities are a heck of a lot better than anything she had back in Columbia, and yes, some of the boys were real cute, but despite everything, she still feels a disconnect between herself and the student populace as a whole. Maybe it’s her color, maybe  it’s the fact that so many of them have no idea what struggle is. Or, maybe it’s the fact they don’t approve of her efforts of trying to start a cheer squad. In any case, Pearl enjoys parts of Broadripple, but can’t quite see she enjoys it is a whole.

11. What house are they in? Do they care very much about their house?

Pearl is part of Seton, and honestly, most events related to the houses are the events in which Pearl displays the most enthusiasm. While she generally believes in school spirit as a whole, her competitive nature means that house events are the best way to sate that thirst, considering she doesn’t take part in any of the sports teams.

12. Who do they share a dorm with, or are they on their own for the moment? What are they like to live with? Are they clean or messy? Early risers or night owls?

At this point in time, Pearl is rooming on her own, and she would very much hope to keep it that way! Not because isn’t a good roommate, because she would definitely tell you she is - and, at the very least, she keeps her side quite organized if a bit garish with it’s constant use of baby pinks and blues, and with her waking up at 6 sharp in order to look over her work for the day.

13. How is your character’s dorm decorated? Is it bare or bursting at the seems with personality? Any particular sentimental items from home?

Pearl keeps scrapbooks with her favorite family memories tucked into a drawer in her dorm, considering she’s boarding at Broadripple and only able to go visit her family during long holidays. Her dorm room, as mentioned earlier, is decorated with family memories, as well as her fond memories of cheer and gymnastics, which she keeps framed all around. 

14. What is their favourite subject at school? Do they even have a favourite? Why?

As an astrophysicist, Pearl would be amiss to put anything other than physics as her favorite class! What initially began as a fascination with astrology ended up becoming a genuine interest in astronomy, and ever since the eighth grade, Pearl has aimed for working at NASA, even though she knows it currently isn’t exactly in the best state.

15. Are they involved in any clubs? Which ones?

Pearl is a member of the Chamber Choir, the Buddy Club, as well as the Student Weekend Activities Team, if only because she enjoys busying herself. She has been preparing herself for a run from Student Council, and as such, been considering joining Women of Broadripple as a way to gain at least some measure of recognition before she does announce her candidacy, but for now, she hasn’t made any concrete moves on that front.

16. How does your character feel about Broadripple’s Unofficial Clubs? Do they know about them? Are they a part of any of them?

Pearl regards the BBC with some disdain, although she supposes their antics do liven up the school environment. (Also, their parties are pretty good.) As someone trying not to get involved with any drama at campus, at least not through delving into things the administration would want exposed, she isn’t exactly fond of the kids going around trying to stir shit up. 

17. Does your character participate in any sports? If so, what made them join the team?

Nope! In her previous school, Pearl was a cheerleader, but seeing as how Broadripple doesn’t have a cheer squad, she doesn’t participate.

18. What afternoon activities does your character do? Do they just do the one mandatory one or are they involved in multiple? Why?

Pearl both volunteers at a nursing home, and does dance. Dance is the closest thing she has to cheer, and she generally specializes in contemporary, while she both genuinely enjoys community service and believes that it will help her college applications. 

19. Do they miss their home when they’re at Broadripple? Do they often go home for the weekends or do they only go home during holiday breaks?

Pearl stays in frequent contact with her family through weekly videochats with her parents, but in order to save on money, she is only able to go back to South Carolina during long breaks, something that still doesn’t exactly sit well with he. 

20. Did your character know Izzy De Santis or Maggie Monroe?

Pearl generally has no idea who Izzy is other than that crazy dude who punched someone, but as Maggie was in her batch, she can’t hep but feel a bit uncomfortable about the entire situation. Not that she liked Maggie - Pearl loved God, too, but Maggie seemed a little off to her, but the fact that she’s just up and gone means something must have gone wrong.

21. Has your character heard of Edith Lynch? Do they know the story?

Pearl has heard murmurs about incidents going on, but she hasn’t bothered to read up on any of the details surrounding it, so she has little to no idea about the specifics of the Edith Lynch incident.

22. How does your character feel about Nighmore? Have they noticed the recently closed shops yet?

Call her judgey, but Pearl doesn’t like Nighmore. The people are too nice, especially in the wake of the things that have been going down. Pearl has felt this way for some time, though, and besides briefly noting that there seem to be less places to hang out in Nighmore, she hasn’t put too much thought into it, mainly filtering it into a list of all the other reasons Nighmore gives her the heebie jeebies. 

23. Have you made any aesthetic Pinterest boards/WeHeartIt collections for this character? Or playlists? Anything you would like to share!

I may add stuff here, but for now, no!

[thegeminisage]

i’m gonna liveblog my rewatch of 2.08 because i can

it’s stupid long so here’s the cut

just to give you an idea of how fast this switch flipped for me at the start of this episode when uther is like “u will find no one who embodies nobleness better than my son arthur” i went “PFFFFFT” & had a good chortle

i have a lot to say about this duel challenge sequence. 1. why are strangers always coming in and tossing their glove on the floor. everyone in that room is armed. just take them out! 2. arthur picks up the glove first this time, unlike 1.03. guess he can learn after all 3. he does it BEFORE SEEING HER FACE god classic he’s so fucking stupid

everyone getting their panties in a twist over having to fight a WOMAN when in reality she goes on to kick his ass is like...both tiresome & hilarious

i used to really be on the fence about the Vibe between merlin & arthur because while they seemed quite happy to die for one another from the get-go most of the time arthur is just being MEAN and merlin isn’t as mean back and it’s like :/ ok i don’t get what everyone else is so heart-eyes over. but in 2.08 they do a lot of confiding in one another and just general talking about plot-stuff where arthur’s insults are...not absent, but kept to a minimum, and idk it’s nice! it’s nice. less like arthur is a massive bully and more like they’re Companions. i’m not hopeful about it lasting bc this show doesn’t know the meaning of the words “consist continuity” but it was reeeeeaally good here

arthur’s face when he lost to a G I R L and uther just walked out with no comment. even back when i still hated him i was like “ouch”

that being said it was a welcome change of pace to see merlin giving ARTHUR shit for once. finally

upon morgause and morgana’s first meeting when morgause says “i hope you will remember me fondly” i went “WOW THAT’S GAY” because i didn’t KNOW and cathy told me later she had to put her head in her hands for five whole minutes. don’t shoot me i’m just the messenger they’re the ones who wrote it that way

my favorite thing about morgause is that i couldn’t immediately figure her out. i’m in the habit of throwing out guesses about future plot points for fun, because i’m a writer and that’s how i deconstruct things, and since this show was kind of meant to be kid-friendly i’m usually right. but as far as morgause went...i didn’t have a clue. i had NO IDEA this whole ep would be like this

i’ve said this before (not on this blog tho) but arthur is like...really eager to die. i keep joking that he has a death wish but upon further reflection i don’t think he’s actively seeking to end his life as much as he would be relieved to die for something noble like honor or whatever because then he would have...done it right, if that makes any sense, and wouldn’t have to worry about screwing it up anymore. he doesn’t want to die but he craves a good death. to prove to his dad and himself that he’s made of the right stuff?? i’m not being very clear. this concept requires more thought

it’s REALLY a lot for me that uther would rather throw arthur in his own chambers than have him find out about ygraine. yyyyikes

merlin sneaking in that rope was so cute. he finally got the group’s communal braincell for a few minutes

on the other hand after the troll episodes i am SO tired of dung being played for laughs. i really suffered

also man i’m so glad morgana finally got some sleep it’s what she deserves

this Dead Parent talk really mcmurdered me. both merlin and arthur lost a parent when they were very young & they now cannot remember said parent and we HAVE THAT IN COMMON so every single word they said was like an arrow straight to my heart!!!!!!! like as good as the ending to this episode was (and OH it was good OHHHHH it was GOOD) i think this right here is what truly softened me up towards arthur. this is relatability, this is emotional vulnerability, this is a genuine human connection made between EQUALS and frankly it’s exactly what i’ve been wanting from these guys for a season and a half. their willingness to die for each other is good stuff to be sure but it’s EMPTY without some meat to back it up & we’re finally getting what we deserve

“i’d do anything for even the vaguest memory” like they didn’t have to go that hard & read me for filth like that but they did. they did. arthur. babe. my guy.

almost every time someone comes in to speak with uther he’s eating and he has like an entire mini-banquet in front of him even though he’s all by himself. like, an entire plate of grapes, a whole-ass chicken, an intact loaf of bread, a bowl FILLED with whole uncut apples...wtf??

“what would YOU know about magic, merlin?” “nothing ;)” i did have a good chortle truly

i’ve already made my points about arthur and a good death but MAN he was hasty to put his head on that chopping block for no good fucking reason at all. holy shit. him casually doing that swing-thing he does with his sword to the axe ahead of time really adds a lot to this entire thing and also aged me ten years

when arthur was like “what if my father’s attitude towards magic is wrong” and “surely not everyone who practices magic can be evil” i gasped so fucking loud. so fucking loud

and the worst part is you can practically feel merlin’s heartbeat pick up. just LOOK at his “wtf am i hearing is this for real could my dreams actually come true” face. but at the same time, he’s got to be the one with a healthy suspicion here because arthur is in over his head. so he STILL can’t trust it. and then naturally it goes to hell so quickly that the chance for merlin to confide in arthur is lost. i can’t believe this took 4 irl years and five seasons. watching this live must have been like TORTURE. i’m practically bingeing it and i’m still suffering deeply

it’s very odd to me that arthur specifically said his mother died before he opened his eyes but the first thing ygraine says to him is that she remembers him staring up at her. to me that’s an obvious clue that she’s a fake, and the cutaway during that line to merlin’s face tells me he had the same suspicion (and that he’s kind of horrified by it)

ARTHUR FEELS SO GUILTY FOR HER DYING AND I’M ALSO DYING AND SLDFKMGHLSKDFJH

i know for a fact that ygraine’s telling of these events is slightly altered from the truth too...there’s no way that uther would have been so overcome with grief that he went on to commit genocide if he knew beforehand that his wife would die and was willing to sacrifice her

on the other hand, there’s also a cutaway to morgause’s face during this speech in which she looks surprised or confused at what ygraine says, which doesn’t add up if she was pulling these strings, so...What Is The Truth

not to be like this but merlin bearing witness to this whole series of events is like...there’s some things that once you go through them with somebody things between you change and there’s a new intimacy there...i don’t expect much from a show that likes to return to the status quo but in my heart it’s how i feel

OH BOY HERE WE GO. arthur arrives in camelot and pulls his sword out as soon as he leaves his horse leaving a visibly spooked merlin behind him this is the STUFF

“arthur was born of magic” is really a hell of a line because even though i already knew this backstory i hadn’t stopped to consider it like that...no, magic is not a crucial part of arthur’s identity and how he views himself the way it is for merlin and morgana, but it’s still a part of his history and what made him who he is, that made him alive and different from other people. his hatred and fear of it becomes so much more tragic in that light. i think also there was such a clear line drown before between people who are magic and people who are not and for me, mentally, arthur kind of...swapped sides, or is at least straddling the border

merlin’s absolute FURY at uther’s hypocrisy is like...........fucking. another thing i wanted to see for a season and a half. imo there’s not nearly enough meat to the fact that merlin is magic and ultimately serves uther who is trying to decimate him and his kind - has actually SAVED UTHER'S LIFE on MULTIPLE occasions. this is the first time this show actually went “hey uther is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people and that’s really not at all ok” and i am SO into it. like, no, he’s not misguided. he’s not “just grieving.” he’s a murderer. he’s responsible for genocide.

the final 9 minutes of this episode feature arthur pendragon being absolutely FURIOUS. he’s LIVID. he’s PISSED. and i love it more than anything else this show has done so far

i genuinely, truly believed he didn’t have this in him. never in my WILDEST DREAMS could i have imagined arthur doing this. i had written it off as the stuff of fanfics. but holy shit my man snapped

HE👏DID👏THAT👏

reasons i did not see this coming at all even a little: 1. i figured there was no way arthur would get over his anti-magic thing until near the end (i know it must come back later, but STILL) 2. i did not believe for one second he could ever seriously stand up to his father for more than a few minutes at a time 3. most of what’s making arthur so goddamn pissed is that he thinks his dad killed his mom on purpose but he’s also showing a fair amount of horror at the fact that uther hunted down and killed everyone even remotely associated with sorcery like animals. do you know what that is? does anybody else understand the enormity of this? HE IS SHOWING EMPATHY. i DID NOT believe he was capable of it.

i do feel a way about how uther started this scene from a place of cool confidence - he was handing out orders, “leave us and no one comes in,” manipulating the situation, “she was lying to you, magic users are trying to destroy us,” and finally trying to close the door on the topic and reassert control, “i am your kind and your father and you will SHOW ME SOME RESPECT” - and arthur was not only having none of it (the way his eyes narrowed as uther’s casual “she was lying”...oh boy) he TURNED THE TABLES and had uther ON THE DEFENSIVE. the number of times we’ve seen uther shut other people down and get his way because he’s king and everyone is afraid of him and this time uther was the one who afraid LITERALLY for his life. HOW’S THAT TASTE BITCH god it was SO satisfying. like, there’s one shot where arthur is walking slowly towards him after all his verbal tactics have failed to de-escalate the situation and he’s in the backround with his eyes so fucking wide and he looks TERRIFIED. i LOVE IT

“you are my son. you would not strike an unarmed man.” “i no longer consider myself your son” AND HE STRIKES HIM

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

when i say that i LITERALLY screamed i am not at all exaggerating or using hyperbole. cathy asked twice if i needed to pause & collect myself. i could not have paused if my life depended on it

i’m really on the fence about merlin stopping arthur. on the one hand, arthur has suffered enough and doesn’t need to suffer more by having to carry the guilt or dadmurder. under the other, uther is a monster and needs to die, and the entire world would be better off without him

like...arthur’s face when he says “you have caused so much suffering and pain”...he really finally got it. for one beautiful brilliant moment he understood

i am NOT on the fence about merlin lying to arthur. that was the wrong way to do it. arthur 6000% deserves to know the truth and that’s only gonna come back and bite them later i’m sure (unless it never comes back at all in which case i’ll be pissed)

i’m not sure that arthur would have backed off if they had told the truth and said “uther didn’t realize your mom was gonna die so really that part wasn’t his fault”...he was really mad! but he might’ve. lying was not the way to go. i’m so angry at literally everyone in that scene for allowing arthur to walk away believing he was wrong. he was so full of conviction and he was about to do a really good thing - not good for him personally, but good for the world - and everyone he trusts lied to his face in order to maintain the status quo and not have to deal with anything ugly. i HATE it. i’m team arthur now. i’m in the arthur defense squad. all those dumb liars aren’t good enough to be his friends!!!!!!

like, even his dad’s words were sooo carefully chosen to avoid lying but also avoid telling the whole truth. even in that moment when arthur was laying it all bare and they could have made some sort of progress as character and as people. we had to go BACK TO THE STATUS QUO

Once Again Arthurs Heart Is Hardened To Magic i hate it thanks

honestly look uther telling arthur that he’s a trusted ally in the fight against magic should make him feel a lot more distressed than what we got. i mean i’m sure he’s glad his cover is safe but he should realize that if uther approves he’s doing something wrong

furthermore, uther hasn’t changed a bit. he says he came to thank merlin and that merlin is a loyal servant and trusted ally, but then threatens his life before he leaves. honestly we should have just let arthur stab him

i do appreciate them making a point of mentioning that merlin was tempted to let uther die and that it would have been better for him if uther HAD died and he only did what he did to protect arthur but like...there were ways to do that that didn’t involve lying i think. this is an optimistic show most of the time. it wouldn’t have messed with my suspension of disbelief if arthur had dropped the sword knowing the real whole truth! but no, The Status Quo

i don’t know if i will still love arthur so much in the coming episodes.................we’ll see. i’m kind of nervous because i don’t know how they’re ever going to top this. i think we peaked right here and it’ll never be this good for me again

[lokiarsene]

like yesterday, here's a bullet list of my thoughts for episodes 18~21

thoughts on episode 18:

oh no, it's the beach episode.

-- i really like how they show the way the PT take care of futaba. ren patiently cleaning up her room in between hours at the florist, them playing vidya with her, or just having lunch together in montage moments is very sweet. it makes me wish the anime had much slower pacing, more slice of life-y kind of drama.

-- watching yusuke, ryuji, and futaba lose their freakin minds over good curry is VERY relatable.

-- i still don't understand why ann and makoto thought that a two piece frilly bathing suit was the way to go with futaba. a one piece that she could wear under a long wrap or a hoodie would've made so much more sense... but >male gaze

-- have i told y'all how fucking tired i am of the sexualization of the teenage girls in p5 yet, and how it is one of the several things that fuckin ruined this game for me

have i?

well here it is again

none of the previous games were as bad as this b t w and p4 had one of the dungeons be a STRIP CLUB.

-- yusuke and his lobsters are wonderful.

-- oh god i forgot COMPLETELY about the whole 'mental shutdowns' thing in this game's plot. i think because it's all so pointlessly convoluted. p3 had something similar but even there it was just people turned catatonic for weeks on end when the monthly boss-shadows drew near.

i think the reason i find this so hard to understand is because from p3 to p4 the rules of shadows didn't really change so much. p3 had the persona users go up against shadow bosses; p4 had people confront the shadows within themselves, either accepting them completely (which then turned into persona), or the shadow 'absorbed' the person and ran rampant as a monster. neither of those rules really contradict each other, but in p5 personal shadows for persona users are gone completely, and how you deal with other people's personal shadows doesn't even involve them being present to complete the merge.

mona says that persona users can't have palaces, but persona users in 4 could and DID have 'dungeons' within the shadows' worlds. these dungeons dealt specifically with what was at the core of the shadows' emergence--a deep secret and a hidden truth that caused the shadow to grow, a place that was a replica and a distortion of reality based upon that suppressed truth. so that sure sounds like a fucking palace to me.

so....................... unless there's like, multiple realities folded into our own, and persona users can only access certain ones.................. i'm just super confused.

like, i know it's because the rules change game to game, but p3 to p4 didn't have any contradictions, and p2 didn't contradict anything in p3, either. it just went from a full party of wild card users to a singular one.

-- i'm glad ann's getting a little screentime here. i was just thinking about how other characters' development was lacking after makoto and futaba got so much focus.

-- mona's so sweet to ann ;-; now that he has a human form in p5r, i hope they become really good friends. she needs a kind guy friend that'll be reliable~ plus he makes her laugh.

-- sojiro talking about the anniversary of wakaba's death is......... really interesting........ considering that screenshot of futaba sitting next to a woman with the exact same haircut as her "deceased" mother.

-- ren reassuring mona that he absolutely has to be human, that he will return to who he used to be once they figure out what's happening in the metaverse is jsut jdfklasd

AND HIS LIL ROUND OF APPLAUSE WHEN MONA TALKS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS HE'S GOING TO DO TO KEEP THE WORLD SAFE ;-;

AND THAT SHOT OF HIM SLEEPING CURLED UP ON REN'S STOMACH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-- listen i know mona isn't rly a cat but he's the BEST cat

thoughts on episode 19:

oh it's the hawaii episode.

-- man what the hell kinda budget do these school's got that they can just go overseas with dozens of students on a yearly basis? that's impressive.

-- ryuji: "whoa, awesome! ..... i don't really get it, but awesome!" fjdsafds okay that got a laugh outta me. good one, ryuji.

-- ren: "i'm excited, too." (said in a monotone) fjklsadsl BLESS THIS BOY

-- ren's FACE when he learns that futaba installed a spying app on his phone and can hear him/see pictures he takes is...... kind of hilarious. especially if you have the headcanon that he and akechi send dumbass snapchats to each other a lot--which i do. and which you do now, too.

-- mona's depression is ten times more sad because he's a cat okay :c why they gotta make the cat so cute

-- ren, ryuji, and ann's lil sleepover is adorable. especially since ann chastises ryuji for not knowing one of the basic rules of a sleepover: if you start talkin' about your crushes, you gotta start with your own~ thems the rules lads

-- rip principal bloatneck.

-- honestly that truck shoulda at least TRIED to stop.

-- "A LO HA." goddammit that's adorable

AND HE GIVES THE LEI NECKLACE TO MONA FJDSKFJDSKL ren you're so SWEET.

-- I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT MONA CALLS SAE "ONEE-NO-NIIJIMA" FJADSKLFJDSKL ahhhh it's so cute.

-- the PT targeting okumura, who is essentially the dave thomas with political ambitions of the persona 5 world, is far funnier now that i phrase it like that.

-- ANN, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE, SAYING THAT THEY PROBABLY BROUGHT THIS RECENT TROUBLE ON THEMSELVES, IS A FUCKING STUPID WRITING DECISION. I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE DIDN'T LOOK AT THAT AND GO, "ANN WOULDN'T SAY THIS. ANN HAS NO REASON TO SAY IT." god. lmao PLEASe let p5r be a goddamn second draft.

-- mona's totally right that ryuji's just concerned with getting popular and his dick wet. like,,, that's why this argument only made me hate ryuji more than i already did. he gets pissy when mona points out the truth.

god he sucks lmao

I'M SORRY I'M SO SALTY YOU GUYS

LOOK I'LL SAY SOMETHING NICE: SAE AND AKECHI ARE COOL

-- i really like how guarded akechi's face looks in his conversation with sae, and how off his guard he looks when she tells him that she's not going to hold back, especially since the culprit is doing such dire, awful things. he's not exactly surprised, but he's definitely uneasy and shaken by what he hears. which makes me wonder who he’s really concerned for--himself, or for ren (and the PT by extension, but akechi only really seems to care about ren, so).

the reason i like that is because the okumura arc in p5 is really where akechi's mind starts its downward spiral. principal kobayakawa's death obviously rattled him, especially since the only reason the principal died was because shido saw him as useless and disposable, something akechi is desperate NEVER TO BE. and it's that + what happens with okumura that really kicks him over the edge.

i hope p5r will give us the chance to pull him back from it. he deserves a better chance than the game's subpar writing gave to him.

thoughts on episode 20:

-- ren wakes up in a panic because he thinks he sees mona on his bed ;___________;

-- goro snoopin' on the PT's LOUD, TOTALLY CONSPICUOUS conversation in front of okumura foods' HQ is kind of adorable if you remember he clearly loves star wars (HE HAS A LIGHT SABER), and the camera cuts to his face right as they're talking about big bang and outer space lingo.

-- oh, haru. i really wish you were the black mask. that would've been so much cooler--and an actual twist. her total hopeless panic about being a beauty thief could still be a thing (because it is actually endearing), it'd just be an act. but that's me talkin' fix-its again.

-- i really like the scene of haru defending mona to the PT on the rooftop, then cutting to show just how strained her relationship is with her father. she exists to be useful to her father's ambitions and nothing else, and that scene really drove home just how painful that is for her.

-- REN TWIRLS HIS HAIR BETWEEN TWO FINGERS WHEN HE'S DEEP IN THOUGHT. AHHHHHHH I FORGOT HE DID THAT

-- oh hey remember how the game went through the trouble of showing how haru's fiance is a sexist, violent, animal-hurting piece of shit and then promptly failed to actually separate her from him in game (i think you only can do that in her s-link?? the s-link you can barely finish in your first run of the game??), and in t hEN SHOWED HER IN THE CAR WITH HIM LATER, LOOKING HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE?

god this story makes me so fucking mad lmfao STOP PUTTING GIRLS IN PHYSICALLY OR SEXUALLY VIOLENT PERIL AND NEVER ACTUALLY ENSURING THAT THEY'RE SAFE, YOU DAVID CAGE LEVEL OF HACK BULLSHIT WRITERS.

-- ryuji running into the attic, all worried about mona, with a first aid kit, is..... very good. very good and endearing. good on you, ryuji.

-- haru gently encouraging mona to tell the truth is also really good. idk if i just missed it in the game or what, but i really like how she's presented in the anime. she's like a counterpart to ren--soft, sincere, observant, patient, yet she's made of pure steel beneath all that.

thoughts on episode 21:

-- WHY WAS HARU'S GRANDFATHER GIVING COFFEE TO A FIVE YEAR OLD

-- haru, the reason your father's heart grew twisted is thanks to capitalism. you gotta change the heart of capitalism.

-- not to be all poochie here but whenever akechi isn't on screen, all i can ask myself is whERE'S AKECHI?

-- HOW CAN I TAKE THE EVIL DAVE THOMAS SERIOUSLY WHEN HE'S DRESSED LIKE FUCKIN MEGAMIND?

-- okay see this is where i'm thrown completely out of the story or even really liking haru. haru just listened to her dad's shadow saying he would PIMP HER OUT TO HER FIANCE WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. and she still is just like ~no i want him to go back to being kind~

bitch are you nuts

are you NUTS

youR DAd SHOULD DIE AND YOU'D BE BETTER OFF

CONSIDERING HOW THE GAME GOES, YOU ARe BETTER OFF

god. i'm getting so mad again lmao

-- ren approaching haru to point out that if the truth of her father's crimes comes to light, she'll forever be associated with him (and with all the harm and ruined reputation that brings) is, once again, further reminder of just how... damn good ren is. he doesn't hesitate to speak from the heart nor does he ever fail to listen to someone else speak from theirs.

-- also not for nothing but uh

how did the cops not like

figure out how the PT phan-site was set up within the first few months and track it down to mishima? was that ever addressed at all?

-- honestly another reason why i get so fucking mad about this okumura stuff is the game goes SO FAR OUT OF ITS WAY to make you feel BAD that he died, when he was by all rights a fucking shitheel monster, yet when akechi dies it's like 'oh well. that sucked.' fuck off, atlus. the death of a greedy, heartless CEO isn't more sad just because his gaslit daughter is conditioned to be sad about it.

i understand that a large part of the shock after okumura's death is because the PT don't know if they did anything wrong. but okumura was in no way a good person. he was in no way a person whose redemption overruled all the hurt and harm he did. that has been the case for EVERY PT target before this, so why the fuck is okumura suddenly so different? why SHOULD he be?

the difference between him and, say, akechi is that okumura et. al. all made those choices on their own to do terrible things. they delighted in it, they enjoyed it. but akechi, much like futaba, was forced into a cycle of self-destruction--it’s just that in futaba’s case, her self-destruction targeted herself, and akechi’s was quite literally weaponized and used against others. he approached shido as a young teenager and was then used by him for years.

a teenage boy being used as a magical hitman by his shitlord father is far more deserving of sympathy and redemption than grown adults who willingly make the decision to harm, abuse, and prey on others. but no, the game didn’t want to do that.

this is another big problem i have with p5's second and third acts: it's so tonally dissonant and sloppy. it's like they didn't try to actually be as rebellious and hellraiser-y as the first act WANTED to be, and it all ends up being such a limp-dick shriveled mess of "let's fight against this rotten society!! ......... as long as it in no way actually upsets anyone or does any REAL change." fuck off lmao

that's not me even commenting on the "twist" and how it needed to be explained MULTIPLE TIMES to the player for it to make any sense.

and it still doesn't make sense to me btw.

so that's another thing i hope p5r fixes.

-- rip evil dave thomas megamind.

-- akechi floating the idea to sae that the phantom thieves had nothing to do with okmura’s death is............................ interesting.

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

So... I know your wrist is broken, all my sympathies and you don't have to answer right away, but thoughts on that first taste of Fire and Blood?

I’m in a brace now! With only two weeks needed to wear it! And my typing is remarkably improved! I’m so happy. :D  And then, while I’m at the doctor’s, GRRM goes and drops an Alysanne excerpt of F&B? eeeeeeeeeeeee. :D :D :D

So! Reactions under the cut:

That is a very nice picture of Jaehaerys and Alysanne. No slight to Magali Villeneuve, but her generically-Targ-pretty pic of J&A and a baby in TWOIAF didn’t really have anything distinguishing them as people. With Doug Wheatley’s, Jaehaerys is wearing his seven-gem crown, Alysanne has her “feminine version” of his crown, and you can really see the love between them. Also, the way Alysanne stares at the viewer, that’s the insight and intelligence she was known for (GRRM compares her to Eleanor of Aquitaine, Katherine Hepburn in The Lion in Winter), not Magali’s distracted-and-pregnant-again-sigh mom. (Moms can be very intelligent, for sure, but the picture didn’t show it.)

58 AC - Jaehaerys is 24, Alysanne is 22. They’ve probably had a few kids (they were married 8 years earlier, when J’s regency ended), but they’re in between them at the moment.

The logistics of a king’s progress when the king and queen can fly but none of the rest of the party can are super complicated. Good plans, though, to send everybody ahead to clear the way

It’s interesting that Tyrosh and Pentos look at Westeros as a neutral party and guarantor of terms. Is it the Valyrian cachet? The fact that the country is so damn big, a nearly united continent? (Especially compared to divided and warring Essos.) When did this stop being a thing? (I’m guessing the Dance, but possibly Aegon IV.)

White Harbor, a big city with a ton of people come to see the dragon and the queen

Alysanne setting up betrothals to unite Westeros! Alysanne taking on ladies-in-waiting and already having a bunch to begin with! Alysanne and her cupbearer Jessamyn Manderly! Alysanne and her female sworn shield!!!

I need fanart of Jonquil Darke, the Scarlet Shadow (!!!) like yesterday

you don’t need to draw her dueling the wildling girl (who needs a name, GRRM), you don’t need to draw her standing besides the queen with her hand on her sword, just on her own, that’s fine

quick history facts: the Darkes are from Duskendale, kin to the lordly Darklyns, who would provide seven Kingsguard over the centuries. Duskendale is near Maidenpool, home of the legendary Florian and Jonquil (Maidenpool castle even has a Jonquil’s Tower), so it’s probably a popular girl’s name in the area. There was also a Darke who was a squire to a Darklyn Kingsguard at the start of the Dance of the Dragons, and both went over to Rhaenyra (bringing her father’s crown, the crown of King Jaehaerys). Harrold Darke later became one of Rhaenyra’s Queensguard, and died defending her at Dragonstone. Jonquil was probably a relative of his great- or great-great-grandfather. There are no more Darklyns in the present day (Aerys II killed them all after the Defiance of Duskendale), but there’s still plenty of Darkes.

a women’s court! 200 women sharing their thoughts and grievances with the queen! highborn and low! you know the ban of the practice of the first night came from this

unlike the trip to White Harbor, this time the queen just drops in at Winterfell on her dragon and lets her retinue catch up eventually

Alaric Stark, Stannis v0.25  (Maekar is v0.5)

no seriously @poorquentyn read this excerpt and immediately had multiple threads on what Alaric and Alysanne foreshadows for the meeting of Stannis and Sansa, lol (I hope he’s right even though I have doubts, but that’s not important right now)

Alaric is extremely Stannissian in that stiff unbending but really slowly melting hapless charm way, apparently humorless but actually just having a very dry wit, etc

missing the Stannis misogyny though, which is nice (Alaric still a bit unnerved by girly things though, can’t expect everything), and his late Mormont wife sounds marvelous (she needs a name, GRRM)

Alaric is probably still very unhappy about his great-something-aunt who needs a name GRRM married Ronnel Arryn because Queen Rhaenys matched them, and got defenestrated out the moon door (along with him and their kids) by his evil brother

as many as a dozen southern houses that still keep the old gods? Where are they? Just Blackwood bannermen, or what? Have they died off or converted since this time?

I hope Alarra Stark is relevant later in the J&A section of F&B; I hope she’s not relevant because of something bad

fanart of Alarra and Jonquil and Alysanne would also be nice, please

this good relationship between Alaric and Alysanne probably won’t survive the New Gift, alas :(

I wonder how this history – that Jaehaerys was delayed at court and took a long while to even come north – became the story that Bran tells, how “Jaehaerys and Lord Stark were talking business but Alysanne was bored with man stuff so she flew to the Wall”

I mean, I know how, but still

“smaller holdfasts” - yay, Queenscrown

“assembled 800 of his finest men” - sigh, how the Night’s Watch has fallen. though it’s possible it was a larger complement of NW men than usual because of all the Faith Militant who’d gone to the Wall after Maegor’s war with the Faith

mammoth for dinner ugh

no offense, I’m sure it’s filling, I appreciate Alysanne saying it’s nourishing and not demanding more queenly fare, but ugh furry elephant meat ugh (my kosher disgust bells are ringing hard)

I wonder how common mammoth was at the time? Leaf says there’s only a few hundred left now. Though despite them being endangered, mammoth would be very good to feed dragons on, if needs be

what with Silverwing being so bothered by the Wall, and the whole thing about refusing to cross over, I can see why Alysanne thought it was so important that the Night’s Watch be supported in their duty of protecting Westeros from what lies beyond

(note Alysanne herself seemed to have no problem in the North or at the Wall, good for hot-blooded Targs, eh?)

God I love Alysanne, she’s the best, always and forever

OK! The big question GRRM leaves us with: Why did Silverwing refuse to cross the Wall?

First off, the story that Viserys told his grandkids about Jaehaerys fighting wildlings and giants and mammoths beyond the Wall (as related in TRP and TWOIAF) was only a story, made up for the kids, it didn’t actually happen – so we have no records of any dragon ever crossing the Wall yet

I’m pretty damn certain there were no awakened Others at the time to unnerve the dragon

However it’s apparently a significant plot point that warg senses cannot cross the Wall

The Wall is known to be imbued with spells – the Others and wights can’t cross from their side either (the wight that attacked Jeor Mormont in Castle Black was carried through, apparently a dead body)

Does the Wall block all magical beings? Or just ultimate ice and fire creatures like the Others and Dragons? (Leaf wandered Westeros for many years, but she’s not a magical being, just a COTF who can do magic; the mama direwolf apparently crossed over no problem)

@jimintomystery insists I ask the question – what about going around the Wall? Where does the magic stop? Does it cover the whole latitude of the Wall around the world, or does it stop a mile from its edge?

(that doesn’t bode well for Davos’s trip to Skagos, what with the “dead things in the water” up at Hardhome)

also note that Varamyr skinchanged Orell’s eagle to spy on the Night’s Watch, and it crossed the Wall no problem – is there a height limit to the magic too? if Alysanne had flown Silverwing higher, could they have found an altitude where they could cross?

This is certainly a plot point that GRRM will come back to later!

Gosh, what a lovely excerpt. So looking forward to Fire & Blood now, even more than I was before…

[charsimatic]

All 50 Random Head Cannon Questions for Faye, please!

How does your muse feel about seafood?

”I love seafood! I’ll eat pretty much anything, but my favorite is shrimp!”

What is their favorite piece of technology?

”Um, probably my phone, as sad as that sounds. I have multiple apps and games on it that allow me to calm down or get five minutes away from my kids! It also allows me to check in with people when I’m feeling particularly anxious, especially Freeman. He always answers as soon as he can.”

When did they lose their virginity?

”At sixteen years old. And as fate would have it, I got pregnant with Sophia the very first time too. I wish I could change who her father is, but I’d never give her up.”

Was their anything their parents pushed them to do? (e.g. sports, theatre, band)

”My parents never pushed me to do anything, per se, but they did push me to do my best. If I showed any interest in anything, before they signed me up for it, they made me promise to stick it out for at least a year, and if I didn’t like it after that, I didn’t have to continue.”

Describe your muse’s worst nightmare.

”I already lived it. Losing those I love. I almost lost everything, I pushed everyone away, and I was alone. I put my daughter in danger, too. Never again.”

What is a deal-breaker when it comes to dating someone?

*Laughs*

What was the most embarrassing moment in your muse’s life?

”Uh...well I have a few, but the one that’s sticking out now is when I fell from a stunt in cheer, twisted my ankle, and full on BAWLED in front of the entire stadium full of people. Everyone felt bad, but it wasn’t pleasant!”

What keeps your muse up at night?

”A better question would be what doesn’t?”

What chronic illnesses does your muse have, if any?

”None.”

Does your muse get carsick?

”Not really, unless I’m looking down at my phone or a book for long periods of time.”

Does your muse wear glasses/contacts?

”Nope!”

What are some warning signs that your muse is getting depressed?

”I sleep, a lot. I withdraw. I sit on the couch and don’t want to do much of anything else.”

What is your muse’s favorite candy?

”Anything chocolate. Give me all of the chocolate.”

Does your muse have a “victory song” and if so, what is it?

”Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons, and Rise Up by them as well. They’re super inspirational for me, and I listened to them a lot during my recovery.”

Who do they tend to bicker with the most?

”My children, of course! They’re normally pretty good kids, but they’re kids, and they think they’re right, and I’m wrong, and we fight about it.”

Has your muse ever been hospitalized or institutionalized?

”Yeah, twice. Neither of them were short of traumatic.”

Does your muse pray, whether it be to a god or some other force?

”I do. I definitely believe in God.”

Has your muse ever lived in poverty?

”Fortunately, no. I try to give where I can too.”

Do they have any distinct voice mannerisms? (e.g. saying ‘like’ or ‘um’ a lot, stutters)

”I say ‘Um’ a lot because I still have trouble recalling words, sometimes. I also get excited and talk too quickly and stumble over my words.”

Where are your muse’s ancestors from? Do they keep any of their traditions?

”I asked my parents about this once, I think we’re like, English and Scottish and stuff like that.”

When did your muse learn about sex?

”As a preteen, we had sex education, but my mom hated what they were teaching me,  so she gave me her own, more accurate version.”

What is your muse most thankful for?

”My family and friends, those who have stayed with me through literal thick and thin. I couldn’t imagine life without them and appreciate everything they have done for me.”

What shoe size is your muse?

”I’m a size 6.5.”

Does your muse hate their middle name? \ What is it?

”My middle name is Elizabeth, and I don’t hate it at all, I love it. I used to tell my teachers that was my actual name because I loved it so much. My mom would get really confused when my teachers called to talk about Elizabeth!”

How many hours a day do they spend on the internet/watching TV?

”Not too many, I used to be pretty active on twitter, but I’m too busy for that nowadays, and with my second near-death experience, I have a deep appreciation for all things non technology related. I’m usually outside with Caleb, baking with the girls, swimming, stuff like that.”

Does your muse have any trophies?

”I have dance and cheer trophies, yes, but Mads currently has them.”

If your muse was given the opportunity to go sky diving, would they?

”Absolutely! It’s on my bucket list!”

What is the most common lie your muse tells themselves?

”Freeman says that I tell myself I’m not worthy enough, that I make too many mistakes.”

Has your muse ever had a pet? If so, what type?

”We had a dog growing up called Bettie, and I had my demon cat who I’m pretty sure hated me, but I do miss him.”

Who was your muse’s first kiss?

”At prom, with Sophia’s biological father. Gross.”

What is your muse’s first memory?

”I actually....I think it’s my family taking a trip to Disney. I was probably three? Four? Years old, and I just remember my mom pushing myself and Jaymie around in a double stroller, even though Jaymie barely fit in it, and Madlaina was complaining because she was the only one who had to walk!”

How does your muse feel about crocs?

”Abomination.”

What are your muse’s biggest pet peeves?

”People who lie, people who intentionally hurt others, and slow drivers.”

What was your muse’s happiest birthday?

”Many of them have been incredibly happy, but my happiest is the birthday I turned eight. I didn’t know at the time I only had a couple months left with my parents, but I remember everyone being there, and my sisters were being nice to me, and I got a letter from my dance studio that I had made the junior competition team. I was over the moon.”

Does your muse cross their legs/ankles when they sit?

”Occasionally. mostly I fold my legs underneath me.”

What simple task is your muse surprisingly bad at?

”Laundry. I always, ALWAYS forget it’s going and then when I have it done, it takes me a while to fold it and put it away because it’s just so...not...fun.”

Did your muse ever own a Tamagatchi?

”I had like, five of them, and I cried every. single. time. they. died.”

What was your muses’s first job?

”I worked at Kohl’s for...uh...Six years? That was my first job, but I was kind of forced to quit.”

Does your muse usually go for truth or dare?

”Dare. Why not? It’s usually hilarious.”

Has your muse ever been to a concert?

”I went to One Direction when I was younger.”

What is your muse’s favorite holiday?

*Grins* “Christmas! The music, the lights, the food, the cookies, the hot chocolate, all of it. I just really love Christmas.”

Does your muse reply to scary chain emails/messages?

”No.”

Describe the first person your muse remembers losing.

”My parents. They were...incredible parents, incredible people, really. Everyone loved them. They were those people that everyone gravitated towards, you know? People came to them for advice, they were constantly going to parties, weddings, BBQs, all of that, because people loved being around them. They were incredibly kind and generous, and loved me and my sisters with everything they had. We never wanted for anything, we were loved, and we were happy. I miss them every day, and I wish they could have met their grandchildren.”

Would your muse ever roleplay?

”In the bedroom, or...?”

What is your muse’s Hogwarts house?

”Hufflepuff. And proud of it, too!”

What is your muse’s first thought upon waking up?

”I usually have a multitude of thoughts, involving what I need to do to get the girls ready for school, what to dress Caleb in, how to keep that toddler entertained all day...”

Name a song your muse can sing every word to.

”Many.”

Who would your muse sacrifice themselves for, if anybody?

”Freeman and my children. I almost did for Sophia, but I’d do it again for all of them.”

How long is your muse’s penis? || What bra size is your muse?

”I’m a solid D cup.”

If your muse could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

“Evil, period. There’s so much nastiness and evilness in the world, and I hate it all.”