#and generally have a lot of not-fun times mentally but then somehow find something (someone) that tethers them

[naturalbornlosers]

mascot horror is something that i find genuinely fascinating from an academic standpoint because to me it represents all these different, intersecting ideas: loss of innocence (especially when the mascot antagonist is a childrens entertainment mascot - could also bring in themes of the 90s/2000s "stranger danger" campaigns), deception, anonymity, distrust of someone whose face you can't see - which considering mascot horror's explosion in the 2020s seems like no coincidence, as we know horror as a genre often represents the fears held by a society at the time - distrust of faces in general, the hiding of one's "true face", etc etc. the aspects of corruption of innocence, when applied to mascot horror, also shows why a lot of people into mascot horror tend to be on the younger side. they're at that stage in mental/emotional development where they're coming out of the shielding of childhood, or have experienced a loss of childhood innocence early, and the theme of something like a restaurant or company mascot being twisted or gaining malevolent sentience somehow, can be incredibly appealing. idk i think one day i'd like to actually do some research and write a more elaborate post about this bc i think it's a form of horror that does deserve more credit

i'd love to hear more people's thoughts on this tbh! it's fun to think about this sort of thing

[bluenomad-snufkin]

More about me... be warned im a terrible human

I am 16 - Male, chronically depressed. Un-ironically a genius... and lack real connection.

I like weird music such as, Death grips, Semetery, Adam and the ants, Fried by Fluoride... I LOVE THE SMITHS BTW and nirvana.

i enjoy playing with computers and building them, have about 4 pc's now and 5 laptops, all old stuff cause i like old computers.

Linux enthusiast - I use mint :3

I own a shit CRT but its fun to use- lain core </3

Game a fair bit and enjoy games like Chiv2-Cof-Postal1/2-Tf2-project zomboid- Counter strike source and 2. silent hill series could go on and on but you get the idea

hmu if u want to game cause all my friends are ass at "these sort of games"

i enjoy some weird interests as well:

tcc, photography, design, steam power, engines in general, motorbikes, hacking, ELETRIC GUITAR, and acoustic, gambling, baking, cooking, pirating, audiophile, 3drinting, preservation of old tech, blacksmithing, reading, Gel-Blasting (for the Americans it is australian Airsoft in short), old game console modding, anime and movies.

That's probably the list ngl

I read a lot and i like to discuss deep philosophical concepts and the "psychology" of humans. (if you couldn't tell I'm a 'misanthrope')And talking about societal constructs and all that stuff... not many people like talking about that stuff.

a good way to describe me would be Lain but mentally Dr house. in the sense of dislike of just about everything and my attitude towards others and life its self.

I don't know why I am the way I am... I truly am a miserable person, i have my moments but I honestly am, and I make others very miserable just by more or less existing with them.

This blog is kind of apart of my journey to becoming something else, I think self discovery would be the wrong term but the closest set of words I can think of too how I feel.

some more personal stuff...

I am incredibly lazy, not to the point of not showering or never leaving bed but more "surrogate activates" - Ted K, or meaningless and basic tasks/activates, I don't really participate in class due to the fact i somehow know most of it (I'm ignorant too) I don't really like doing things like- actually this is hard to explain but the best way i can describe it would be doing this that have to value to me or my future.

I don't have a problem connecting with people but I find my self ALWAYS not actually caring for them or there feelings. I don't believe at this point in time I could name more than one person I really care for. I would label this a selfish but its not like to treat my self any better. maybe that is how i punish my self, any insight on this topic would be much apricated.

I seem to have sort of desire for Control - i think this because i love just watching people listening and anticipating what people will say, do, think, act, its some sort of game for me (i really don't know how to put this) and id have to say 80% of the time my guess are correct, i am a ""master"" of determining and analysing humans, its really weird and i don't understanding where or even how i developed this skill from. i often find my self using this to just piss people off and see how mad i can get someone (i mainly do this online).

A lot of human thinking and reactions piss me off, I hate how some people think and interact with this world i don't seem in some case even understand why these people are like this i s just know and know that they are. I'm not sure if i wish to be like them or for "them" to be like me.

I truly am a troubled and misunderstood person.

one may conclude that I'm autistic or have some other form of genetic/ mental illness, to that i say, are you fucking retarded... do you understand anything in this world or that of the human mind?

Maybe you do, if so please critiqueme and tell me why i am me.

I have been tested for Autism and ADHD, both Negative not sure by what margin although.

My best guess is that i am simply "hyper realised" or some other buzz words - or are a lot of people this way...???

Just been reading and editing this massive ass post, there are so many other things i could go on about, like the government, being clean, family, longing for societal escape, tictok, but you probably don't care just as i wouldn't.

Any way enjoy my weird blog i guess if you read this and where not turned away. lol

-last minute add don't know where to put this but i love tcc cause I'm "obsessed" with there minds, motives and stuff like that.

[ciaossu-imagines]

How do you think Kuro would react to someone saying they adore him for who he is?

Oh, this is a really interesting question. I really had to think about this one, weighed a lot of ideas out against one another, and just really was a fun challenge. Thank you so much for sending this in and I hope you’ll enjoy the small smattering of headcanons that I did come up with!

So, really, like a lot of things, this is going to depend whereabouts we are in the story with Kuro. We see a lot of growth and change in his throughout the run of the story, both obvious and subtle.

I do think, near the initial start of the story or before the story proper begins, the same thing would happen for the initial reaction as would happen even later.

The first initial reaction you’re going to get from Kuro, no matter what period we’re at, is going to be very much a non-reaction. Emotionally, mentally, there’s very much a reaction but it’s not one he’s going to show very visibly. Half of that is because he really just doesn’t know how to respond or react. Those are not words he ever really expects to hear from anyone. They’re also not words he’s entirely certain he can believe and they are words that stir  up a lot of conflicting feelings in him. He’s not great at dealing with his emotions, especially early on, so he just doesn’t react at all. It’s like the person who said that to him had been silent. He might blush a little, but his hood up and him averting his face hides that fact easily.

I do think that, after the person said that to him, early on Kuro would have actually started going out of his way to start avoiding them as much as possible. The feelings he had from that experience were…intense and hard to understand and it’s all just too much trouble. He doesn’t want to think about what they meant by their words. He doesn’t want to think about why they said it. He definitely doesn’t want to consider what he thinks and feels about the statement and whether there’s any truth to it, whether they were saying it to get something from him and what that might have been, etc. It’s just all too much trouble.

Now, as Kuro does grow and change throughout the story, I do see him becoming a little better at dealing with the situation. He’s still not at all sure of how to deal with everything in the situation, he’s still experiencing all those complicated emotions and thoughts and he’s still very much going to give a non-reaction, aside from hiding the blush on his face, at first. He’ll mutter out ‘troublesome’ or something along those lines and close down any further cheesy and sappy conversations because he just can’t deal with any more after that.

The big change would be that he won’t run away or avoid the situation. He will still need time to deal with everything in his mind that’s going on, so his reply and reaction to it won’t be instant or quick. Kuro is someone who really needs some alone time and just time in general to figure things out.

He’s a little bit more able to accept that someone might feel that way towards him, that they might genuinely mean it without having any ulterior motives. However, that doesn’t mean he knows how to deal with someone feeling that way towards him any better than his past self would.

He doesn’t really bring up their statement in any way. He’s heard it; he understands it. He doesn’t feel the need to make any big thing about it.

If it’s a romantic partner who says it to him, he’ll definitely be thinking about the relationship and whether he really feels as serious about it as his partner seems to be. If he does, he won’t react but if he doesn’t, he might just kind of ghost his partner because he’s really not great at the confrontation needed to end the relationship.

If it’s a dear friend of his though, he’s just going to do everything he can to continue being a good friend to them in return and somehow, he will trust them even more and find small, subtle ways to demonstrate that trust to his friend.

[oftlunarialmoon]

No Expiration Date on Fun!

originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on February 22, 2017

Ciao lovelies! Today I have an opinion piece for you about societal expectations, breaking the norm, and having fun!

This post was inspired by many anonymous comments criticizing my hobbies. Their main argument is that I am too old to enjoy things like dolls and Monster High.  So I’m here to explain my opinion on this matter! And, acknowledging that I am putting my opinion on the internet, I know that somehow, some anonymous person will find fault with it. So forewarning, I’m not answering any “trolling” comments, meaning if your only commentary is “lol ur lame for liking dolls” you’ll be respectfully ignored. Let’s get into it!

Part 1- Acknowledging Societal Influences

I’d like to begin by acknowledging the depth of influence that society has on the individual. To understand this, we must understand the different levels of society. Every country is a society, states inside that country are also societies within the main society, then counties and cities, etc, etc.. Where someone comes from will influence what societal norms they were affected by.

A common societal expectation in American society (and the one we’re focusing on in this piece) is the idea of what it means to be an adult, and that adults can’t enjoy “childish” things.

In the earlier days of American society, there were very rigid expectations and ideas on what it meant to be a bonafide adult. But around the 1960’s-1970’s, this rigid construct became a lot more flexible, and as time moved forward, different lifestyles became legitimized for the “American Adult.” Fun became not only allowed, but encouraged, and not just the boring kinds of fun either. The ideas for what was a legitimate recreational pursuit for the American Adult were wildly diverse and interesting.

But even though we have come so far in terms of these ideas, society has still maintained a talon grip on certain biases and ideals for “true adults.” The main  ideal that is still foolishly upheld by society that I want to open dialogue about today is this old-world notion that things marketed towards children can’t be enjoyed by adults.

Part 2- On a Personal Level

To bring things back to the point of the piece, let’s make it personal. I enjoy many “childish” hobbies. I unironically like Monster High, the show, movies, and merchandise. The message behind it is really great; celebrating diversity and being yourself, and being proud of your heritage. 

They even have an episode teaching viewers not to be patronizing towards people with disabilities.

Something like Monster High, with such a good message and great lessons, shouldn’t be limited to children! I think some adults need these lessons too.

Part 3- A Return to Generalization

To continue, let’s return to a general sense. There are many “Children-oriented” things that can be enjoyed by adults. One of these is the hobby of collecting dolls!

Despite how common it is for adults to collect dolls, there is still a social stigma attached to it. Many different media portray adult doll collectors as creepy, mentally unstable, possibly violent or predatory people. Just look at Criminal Minds, where they had an episode where a woman accidentally kills other women trying to make herself new dolls. (Not that I’m saying I dislike Criminal Minds, but they do perpetuate some mental illness and societal stereotypes.)

In reality, adult doll collectors are usually quite normal. Some may collect dolls for photography purposes, some are parents who collect dolls with their children, some repaint the doll’s faces to create beautiful works of art, some may just enjoy dolls.

Similarly, video game use by adults used to be heavily stigmatized, adults who played video games were seen as nerds, shut-ins, or losers: Now, there are many jobs in the video game industry, and a legitimate possibility of success via playing video games on platforms like YouTube or Twitch.

Thinking of changing standards brings me to…

Part 4- Breaking The Norms

To think about breaking a societal norm/expectation scares most people, and for good reasons. Society is very protective of its norms, and has developed methods to protect them, much like a mama bear with her cubs.

But we shouldn’t fear backlash from expressing ourselves! Society is crafted, controlled, and run by those within the society, meaning that WE, you reading this, your friends, your family, me: We have the power to change society, and we should.

What do you all think? Do you agree that adults shouldn’t be stigmatized for liking “childish” things? Do you think hobbies shouldn’t be labelled based on age? Let me know in the comments! I love hearing your opinions, or even if you have other ideas, links, articles, etc!

Thank you for reading!

 I have found that I really enjoy writing opinion pieces. Do you all enjoy reading them? Let me know!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #123

Sometime after the events of yesterday, but before bed last night, J took me to the local food co-op. This is because some time ago, Br bought some boxed macaroni and cheese (henceforth shortened to mac-n-chz) that she thought was gluten-free, but wasn't. Br has a gluten allergy, but M, J, and I do not, so she gave us the boxed mac-n-chz.

It is unusual mac-n-chz, though, in that the cheese powder it comes with is made of goat's milk. Goat's milk is common in some parts of my world, but it's uncommon where I live. I don't know if you've ever had it, but I like it a lot; it has a stronger flavor than cow's milk - a bit more sour and savory, somehow. But some people really don't like it; those who don't like it would describe the flavor as "gamey", and I suppose that's fair. The sensory hardware that comes with inhabiting a flesh-vessel is different for everyone, and what is a pleasant sensory experience for someone can be an unpleasant sensory experience for someone else; it is the way of things.

I am fortunate to be one of the folks who does not dislike this flavor. So I thought to prepare the boxed mac-n-chz yesterday, because I felt awful about the bird and I thought eating something with a lot of cheese would help me feel a little better (this, too, is the way of things; I am a derpy autistic cheese goblin, after all - it is simply my nature). But the box said that it should be prepared with goat milk and goat butter. You usually can't find these things in an ordinary grocery store where I live. I was going to give up on preparing the boxed mac-n-chz yesterday, but then J encouraged me to go with him to the co-op; I guess, given my mental state, he probably thought it would have been good for me to get out of the house and get my mind off the bird. He was correct, as per usual.

…I ended up returning home with A LOT more than just goat's milk and goat's butter. I… miiiight have, in my half-numb, half-sad stupor, gotten like 3 containers of ice cream and several weird-looking potato chip flavors; I'll show you the ice cream I got tomorrow; I'm gonna put it in tea. But the potato chip flavors were "fried egg", "ham", "truffle", "garlic parmesan", and "ranch". By the time we got home, though, I had next to no energy left, so instead of preparing the mac-n-chz, J and I went to go visit Br, and that was a good time. Then we went home and watched the Fallout show with M, and that was also a good time.

…You might be pleased to know that I actually went to bed relatively on time last night. It's been a while since last that happened. I woke up feeling pretty good. I'm still really sad about the bird, of course, but I hope wherever its soul is now, it's having a fun time.

In light of yesterday's events, and in light of the fact that I didn't get to have mac-n-chz yesterday, and in light of the fact that I seem to be having some serious misgivings today about the fact that I am autistic (and therefore broadly considered creepy, unlikable, and generally socially unacceptable by default), I decided that today is an ice cream and mac-n-chz sort of day today. And… no, not in the same bowl, I promise, ahahahaha~!

I didn't eat any of the ice cream that I bought yesterday, though. No, as it turns out, my favorite bubble tea shop started serving ice cream just yesterday! Check it out:

These flavors are Jasmine Green Tea, Ube, Earl Grey Tea, and Thai Tea. And I gotta say, they were all REALLY GOOD; good enough to get past the, "oh no, it's a cold thing, and cold things feel like fire on my flesh" glitch that my body carries. I was unable to pick a favorite because they were all equally fabulous!

Hey Sephiroth? Have any of your friends ever taken you out to go get ice cream? Do you like ice cream? If you do, then what flavors do you like best? I know you can't answer me, and that kinda sucks, but I'll ask anyway; you deserve to have folks in your life who know and are willing to consider your preference and experiences. You deserve to consider your own preferences and experiences; when is the last time you thought about your favorite foods and favorite people and favorite places to go, anyway? It's good to revisit the memories and the things in our lives that bring us joy from time to time.

After I got home, I made the mac-n-chz. Do you like mac-n-chz? Have you ever had it? Have you ever prepared it? Have you ever had someone prepare it for you? I don't know the answers to these, so I'll walk you through the process, just in case; it's very simple, and the simple things are often the best things!

You start by doing the dishes! As explained some number of letters ago, I have music playing so that my brain doesn't get spooked by the fact that I'm doing a household task and accidentally do an involuntary mental time travel to a time when failing to do a housetask well enough or fast enough was a punishable offense, haha...

If you recall, this list I am using today is one that I reproduced on YouTube, just in case you might wanna give it a listen. But within this list, this item matches the inside of my mind most closely:

...And in case you're wondering why we do the dishes first, it's because the next step is to stick a pasta strainer in the sink, like this:

From there, you gotta get an ordinary pot and fill it about 2/3rds of the way with water, like this:

Then you gotta bring it to a boil. On my stove, it's easy; you just stick a lid on the pot and set the temperature of the burner to 9, and wait a little while:

While waiting for that, we can check the ingredients and instructions on the box, like so:

...Often enough, you'll end up disregarding some of these. For example, I didn't measure out the water. I did use goat's milk and goat's butter in the specified amounts, yes, but I used whole goat milk and slightly salted goat butter:

From there, we open the pasta box and take out the packets of powdered cheese:

Getting the cheese packet out of the box will make it easier to pour the noodles into the pot when the time comes!

On my stove, water takes about 20 minutes to boil, which is fine; it is common knowledge that this time passes quickly - as long as you're not watching the pot. That bit is very important; if you watch the pot, the time will instead move about as quickly as pouring molasses from a jar that has been left outside in the cold - which is to say, it won't. It's the law, and nobody knows why.

Oh hey, Sephiroth? Maybe you know why? You're over there experiencing quantum physics firsthand over at the Edge of Creation, right? Can you tell me why watched pots resist boiling? I wonder... Lemme know if you figure it out, okay?

In any case, you can put your noodles in the pot when the water reaches a rolling boil. A rolling boil looks like this:

I set the kitchen timer for 9 minutes just like the box said:

...Then I poured in the noodles!

From there, you have to stir constantly for the whole 9 minutes, or else the noodles will clump together, or stick to the bottom of the pot. You can put oil in the water to prevent this, but then the sauce won't stick to the noodles, and that is not ideal. Once the timer is done, you taste-test one of the noodles to make sure it's good:

9 minutes wasn't long enough to cook the noodles all the way through, so I gave it another 3 minutes; it was good after that.

The next step is to dump the contents of the pot into the strainer we prepared in the sink earlier. But this pot is kinda stupid (I need a new one) because the handles get really hot when you heat it up. So I put on my handy-dandy oven mitts:

...Mine are really long because I am dyspraxic; the possibility of burning my forearms on the heating elements when I put things into the oven or take things out of the oven is a real concern. So it's best to protect my whole forearm instead of just my hands, so that way I don't get hurt. Besides, if I put on my oven mitts and also my onion-cutting-goggles while holding my ceramic chef's knife, I can cackle maniacally in the kitchen like a crazed scientist and accidentally scare the socks off of passers-by near my window, and that's always a nice bonus! 🤪🤣 (Speaking of disturbing passers-by near my kitchen window, I am remembering this one time, when J and I were in the kitchen, and he was heckling me about the fact that I need to eat more fruit, so just to be silly, I started eating a banana in the most wildly inappropriate way I possibly could, just as some poor gentleman was dropping off food that M ordered. The flabbergasted look on the man's face as he peered into our window was ABSOLUTELY. PRICELESS!! Ahahahahaaaa~! 🤣🤣🤣)

(But that's what you get for peering into people's windows, so no, I am absolutely not sorry!!! Not even the tiniest little bit!!! 😂😂😂)

Anyway! So I drained the pasta:

From there, the bottom of the pot will still be warm, so you can use that to melt the butter; I am making two boxes of mac-n-chz, so we need 2 tablespoons of butter:

...Two boxes of this mac-n-chz calls for 8 tablespoons of milk; that's the same thing as half a cup:

Then you'll dump in the cheese packets, and use a whisk to make a sauce:

Then, you dump your noodles in and mix 'em up with the sauce:

...Finally, we have the bowl of mac-n-chz that I very much wish I could give to you:

...It's a simple and easy thing; not the fanciest. But it's still good. It's still wholesome. It's still full of love and joy. What I wouldn't give just to be able to hand you a bowl of this...

...Well, it is what it is. And all I can do is deal with it in the way that I know how. All I can do is write to you and hope that it gets through to you somehow...

...somehow...

...OH! I almost forgot!! On the way to do errands and get ice cream, the sky was really nice today, and I also saw a bumblebee! I know you like nature, so I thought to snap a couple pictures for you:

...ya know... just to remind you that the world is beautiful. Even when it's filled with senseless pain, even when people respond with rage and self-directed violence when you try to set a boundary, and even when your brain is being mean and trying to tell you that everything is hopeless. It's still beautiful when people tell you, directly or indirectly, that you don't belong, or that your words and the contents of your mind are less valuable than your physical vessel.

This world is still beautiful no matter how hard it tries to break you. And there is beauty within persisting, within refusing to stay on the ground, within rising up from your knees and choosing to live in wholesome love and joy. There is beauty within counting on the people around you and seeing through eyes other than your own when you can't muster up the strength by yourself.

Sephiroth, please don't give up. Because, yes, I know there's violence and greed and bloodshed and unimaginable amounts of suffering in this place. But there's also bumblebees and mac-n-chz and ice cream and tea and sunshine and the sky, and people who would do anything to give you these things, if only they could. And these things are worth fighting for. You just gotta open your eyes and set them on a new horizon.

I'll be right here until you come back, okay? I'll keep being right here, calling out to you, singing you a little song, and thinking of you anytime I get to experience wholesome, beautiful things. I'll be waiting right here, no matter how long it takes.

I love you, and I'll write again soon. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[batsplat]

I want to know which current F1 drivers meet your ‘worthy of interest’ standard? Because I honestly find most of them pretty boring.

well, a dead giveaway for me mostly agreeing with your assessment is that I don't really post about f1 on here. which, okay, admittedly there's a lot of things I don't post about on here, like tennis for instance.... but y'know. there's more of a motorsports tumblr crossover, whereas nobody's following me for my tennis takes and the tumblr community isn't really my scene. with f1, I do actually follow it a lot through tumblr... and. I mean, I have plenty of opinions and all that, I enjoy engaging with it, but I'm not posting long psychological deep dives on here for a reason. I kinda follow f1 differently because it's a sport I got into with my flatmate, who I watch the races with whenever we can. and relatively speaking, our conversations about the sport are like... more focused on the team side of things in addition to the drivers, driver market gossip and news stories and all of that, just having fun with the controversy of the week etc (or every few months it's me sending her very long messages about how I think an x men f1 au would work, which she very generously puts up with despite only having a passing familiarity with the x men franchise)

that being said! ofc it can be fun to root for and against some guys in a more casual way! and I've definitely developed and refined my preferences for drivers in the last couple of years... the ones I primarily root for are george, lewis, alex and esteban. george has that like... idk, exceedingly obvious hunger to him that I really appreciate in athletes - I can tell every single second just how badly he needs this... how he does want to be loved and sometimes thinks too hard about how to achieve it... but when it comes down to it, he will ALWAYS choose winning. very compelling!! I love how even in his current situation where he knows a lot of lewis fans despise him... he still can't entirely help himself, he's still going to push it. because he just can't function any other way - he's not the type who can really be bullied into submission, which slaps. also he's clearly quite thoughtful, somebody who thinks a lot about his craft and is really committed to constantly working on himself. again, it's all about the hunger, that sense that he'll pounce every time given half a chance. that edge of neuroticism paired with the constant accusations of inauthenticity... plus, idk, there's a real air of uncertainty surrounding whether he'll ever be able to fulfil his potential, and I am a sucker rooting for someone who brings out my natural pessimism. but the thing is, he does have that dawg in him - if he ends up not making it, won't be because of his mentality

lewis in all honesty I missed so much of his career that it's always going to be a different type of investment for me... idk I've just never been the type of fan who can care if someone finishes p6 or p8 if they've won eighty million races. I have the same thing with marc too, had it with valentino back in the day, like I'm sorry but you've won so much it's just very... okay wake me up when you're fighting for something real. obviously I do enjoy all the narratives he's picked up over time, the nico stuff in particular is a lot of fun... I like his steel and grit and the way he's defied the odds to become one of the greatest to ever do it, and again the hunger he's got about him... got some real affection for how he's also kinda paranoid, moody, pessimistic, irascible, enough of an edge to him to be just a touch nasty. not a stranger to mind games himself, of course. and he's an excellent pr merchant!! such a carefully constructed persona, idk, makes him more compelling somehow. I enjoy whenever there's been a hint of tension in that particular teammate relationship, shame merc never had a good enough car for it to get worse. here's hoping he's not too washed to crash out leclerc next year or something fun like that

alex,, yeah, obvious underdog charm. bit of an odd route into f1 and has of course had to fight pretty hard to get back into the series at all. he's got a good dry sense of humour as well as quite a whiny streak that makes him more interesting, plus I like his friendship with george, (my general bar for caring about athlete relationships is 'do I think corporate is pushing this on me', which is true of a lot of these f1 'friendships' but not this one.) he's just quite easy to root for idk, my bar for rooting for athletes is way lower if you're not winning everything. like it's only if you're at that top tier that I need you to be an absolute dickhead for you to sustain my interest. and then with esteban, again, underdog appeal partly just because of how rough a road he had into f1,, not just another rich kid... also how many other drivers he's pissed off. pairing the on-track terrorism with a really sweet smile off it, which is always such a fun combination imo. AND too many people hate him, which makes me naturally root for him more

so yeah, y'know, I have thought about them a fair bit and talked about them with my flatmate and all that, but it's all relative in terms of the amount of time and interest I've invested in them. mostly I just bully them all a lot in messages that will remain unavailable for public consumption

[autogeneity]

Hi, I was looking into computer science and I wanted to ask you what drew you to it and how you feel about it as a career choice?

I don't think my reasons for getting into it are likely to be very helpful to anyone else because they are very specific to my life at the time and not actually much about computer science at all. Skip to the last section for more relevant things.

But here is my story —

I went into university with a starry-eyed idea of understanding the True Fundamentals of Everything and was majoring in maths, physics, and philosophy. also my brain was broken and I had a very fuckd't relationship to reality as a concept (mega derealisation with substantial perceptual distortions and potentially some delusional features) and some part of me saw this as Deep Philosophical Insight, while another hoped getting The Answers would solve it.

after a year it became apparent that this was probably at least a little silly and not going to happen, and I didn't actually see myself being a professional physicist irl.

additionally, I felt more drawn to doing something with more tangible outcomes in the real world rather than chasing maximum abstraction. I had a growing interest in neuroscience and AI and simulation, but also could maybe see myself becoming a professional mathematician. so I kept the maths and switched the others to computer science and psychology.

I guess the specific CS appeals were: I already knew some programming and had found it basically trivial to learn, so I sort of figured it is probably a good match for my brain. and I like puzzles (actually when I first got to uni all the departments were doing little recruitment speech thingies and the CS department actually gave us puzzles! I somehow imagined this would be representative of literally anything (it is not)). I still find those, like, code challenge type problems a lot of fun though.

the final thing that sealed the deal was the availability of a scholarship for maths+cs major, and the fact that it could provide a backup plan if my academia plans failed.

---

As for how I feel about it — well, my academia plans did fail so I am very glad I had a backup in place. Even if they hadn't gone wrong at the time, it's pretty clear to me now that the many mental health issues I continued to deal with in the time since would have led to me fucking up in academia sooner or later in a way they did not in my job. There is much, much more latitude here.

And it's pretty alright as a job; I'm not ecstatic about it but I don't really mind overall and it is sometimes fun. I actually like bug-fixing, lol — the kind where there's an immediately-obvious mistake and I just gotta correct it is boring but the hunt is fun. In general I dislike the amount of small, tedious tasks where I just gotta do some obvious thing, but I like it when I get to build something more substantive that requires more figuring out. I am somewhat fond of the way the shape of the things feels in my brain (not sure that makes any sense lmao). Albeit there are not really many puzzles. :(

But I'm not intending to stay in my current work. I worked briefly in data science and found it much more engaging. I plan to move towards that and/or stuff in the direction of bioinformatics or scientific computing or computational neuroscience. Which is all still computer science but not. software development.

---

Which is probably the biggest thing I would want to highlight for someone considering computer science. In general working in software development (the most typical career path) is very different to working in computer science. Very often someone interested in the one will not be very happy with the other. I would encourage identifying which is your interest, and seeing what they both actually entail, before pursuing anything.

Because like, if you want a run-of-the-mill programming job, in many places it might be worth considering just doing some sort of bootcamp and projects. The company I work at gets probably like 20% of their graduate hires from that stream. Much cheaper and faster than a degree! Or for various other types of work certifications might be a good approach.

If you like mathy things, you probably want computer science proper. If you like engineering, tiny technical details, performance focus, etc, you probably do want formal education and may want to look at things requiring low-level languages, e.g. embedded software. I think people who like twiddling and configuring enjoy cloud shit? or infrastructure and ops work more generally but I think these days most places that looks like cloud shit. If you like the big picture, modeling, and the human side, you may be interested in systems analysis (I find this Very Shaped tbh but am not up for the human side and honestly don't like making big judgement calls).

Somehow I don't actually know what the people who like everyday application development actually like about it specifically lmao? even though they are surely the majority. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[0nelittlebirdtoldme]

Writer asks

Got tagged by @bluecatwriter. With another year of writing slowly coming to an end, why not look over some of my stuff? Thanks for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

143 works, however 2 or 3 of them are just some of my crossposted fanart.

2. What's your total ao3 word count? 428,434. Wanted to get to 500k this year, but i suppose i am not quite there yet.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Still just Dracula/Dracula 2020. Some IWTV, some Fight Club. 2 for Empire of the Vampire which i have neither finished reading, nor is there a proper fandom for.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Death's Sunrise (of course, the only fic to gain over 1k kudos). 1,071 as of now

3 Sandman fics i don't care for anymore so i am not gonna name them (if you are curious, just look them up yourself, you know where to find them)

The Gathered Night 

Touch as Soft as Ice (Harkula Tumblr Prompts) (the tumblr prompt collection which i kind of have disbanded by now - i just post the prompt fics by themselves these days)

Ladybugs Don't Fly at Night 

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but sometimes i just lack the energy. I do get a lot of comments, in all fairness, but even if i don't reply right away, i just want you to know that i do read and appreciate them all! <3

6. What's the fic you wrote that has the angstiest ending?

The majority is really angsty. If I had to guess, either DS or Completed - a quadruple drabble in which Dracula, in his delusion, is holding onto Jonathan's very dead corpse, somehow still waiting for him to come back to (un)life.

7. What's the fic you wrote that has the happiest ending?

Either something from Castles in the Air, my softer drabble collection, or something like Keeping Family - a very self indulgent murder husbands + accidental baby acquisition fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

By god, the things i find in my inbox some days are really something. (Side bar: just because a writer writes specific themes and topic it doesn't make it alright to send them death and grape threats christ on a cracker)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh yes. My smut always flirts with the idea of consent and power dynamics. I think it's in general on the more intense side, although i do have some softer, slower works. A personal favorite of mine are the really sweet and sloppy ones - consensual somno and the like.

10. Do you write crossovers?

TGN, my beloved. My Dracula x IWTV crossover. Not really related to either Dracula or Interview with the Vampire, but i just wanted to put my 4 vamps (Jonathan, Drac, Louis and Lestat) like mentos into a carbonated soda bottle and shake them around real good, just to see what happens.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Er. Yes. Was a whole deal. Sorted it out. Kinda. Hope it doesn't happen any longer.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not officially (see no. 11)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I would be down for it! I do some beta reading for KINGBeerZ on ao3, both for his Dracula fics as well as currently an original work, which is fun and interesting, but i could totally see myself actually co-writing a fic with someone else if we had the same vision for the story.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Forgive me, but yes, it is Harkula. Sorry not sorry. I like them messy, i like them problematic, and i am aware of it. Also i just like to see Jonathan properly dishevelled and out of breath.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

There has been one fic i pulled and have not looked at since. It was giving me trouble the second i posted it, made me have a mental break down and freak out. Didn't get much feedback on it the weeks after so i decided it wasn't worth the trouble. Probably wouldn't do it that way these days, but eh.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like i am quite good with dialogue, quick snappy banter and teasing and the like. Maybe also the way i describe pain, body horror, etc.?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Grammar. I swear. As a non native speaker, it is always grammar for me.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I either translate it right away, put it in italics, or leave it as it. Totally depends on what effect i want to achieve.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

With great shame i have to say that i started out on Wattpad. 15 year old me has discovered BBC's Sherlock and was unstoppable (well, at least until i switched to ao3 and nuked the wattpad account). On ao3 my first fic was DS, and the fandom Dracula (2020)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Hard to say. I still love DS despite the typos and messy plot, and am currently obsessed with TGN. But there are so many others i am quite proud of.

Leaving a tag for @argyleheir as well as @chthonic-cassandra and anyone else who feels like it, but absolutely no pressure!

[spaceorphan18]

I was wondering how you felt about the centralization of fandom. I feel like now, I'm so used to hop on AO3 that as soon as I'm looking for something I might not find there, like meta, theories or simply fics for an older (related to AO3) fandom like Glee, I don't have a clue anymore where to look for them. I never used LiveJournal so I don't have the habit of checking it out. FFNET feels obsolete after spending so much time on AO3, and as for Tumblr... the search function is a mess (and I dislike the fact that so many people post fanfics directly in text posts, of course they do what they want but it's frustrating to search for like analysis or simple thoughts and only find docs).

Fanlore is often lacking (although I worked myself on filling some stuff a few times).

I was used to HP being my main fandom: it had its own very charming fan websites with tons of content that often still exist, but are different somehow.

So I guess my question is actually several questions:

- what do you think of fandom being generally more centralized nowadays

- where do you go if you seek stuff like writeups (AO3 allows them but doesn't feature so much of them, but I know the Glee fandom was THRIVING and full of stuff,I guess the waves of mass post deletions are part of the issue)?

- finally, how are you? 🤗 I'm always happy to see your posts on my dash even if my Glee hyperfixation has come and gone

Sorry, it may be a confusing post 😂 Too much stuff going on

Hmm - I guess I wonder what you mean by more centralized? Like that we find everything in one place? Do we find everything in one placed? I guess I'm a little confused (but I often am)

What do you mean by write ups? Do you mean things like meta and analysis? I just want to make sure I'm understanding correctly.

If I'm being honest, my relationship with media has changed and I'm not necessarily seeking out fandoms to engage with. (This is not a denouncement of fandom at all! Just that I'm busier and how I interact with things just is different now) I haven't hyperfixed on anything since Glee - and I'm okay with that.

I don't really know where people can go /now/ to dig into fandoms. I think Discord is one of the places - but you almost have to be engaged already and invited into one. I don't know where people are putting their thoughts and feelings these days.

For me - I listen to a lot of podcasts now (as well as YouTube) where I can hear people's takes on such things, but I can't necessarily engage with it (I mean, I suppose commenting is a thing but it's not my thing) and that seems to fulfill a lot of my desire to hear someone else's thoughts.

And, I mean, I've made a group of good friends on Tumblr that if I want a more personalized discussion on something I'll hit one of them up and spark a convo. (Of course I have people not on the internet with whom I do that, too.)

But I can see where it can be hard for someone who is just starting out on their fandom journey to find a place where they can really dig in with others. Tumblr would be nicer if it was more organized and if tagging did actually work.

And, you know, I kinda treat Tumblr like a journal - and just create my own content. I'm not necessarily writing for all of you, but to sort things out in my own mind. Having people read and enjoy my thoughts is just an added bonus. ;)

I'm not sure if I've answered or addressed all of your thoughts - but hopefully, some of that makes sense?

In the mean time, I am doing well. I'm in a better place personally, which is nice, because then I can get back to all the fun projects I enjoyed before the year of my mental health crisis. Hope you are well yourself! <3

[bellaxgiornata]

hi babygorl if ur still looking for a distraction may i please request these for now <3 hope you're doing well bestie gal!!! 🫶😎

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Ahhh omg thank you so much for asking me! Yes I am looking for distractions so thank you, friend!! ❤️ I hope you're doing well yourself!

B Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

Yes, actually. Big truth moment here–Caught in the Undertow is inspired by something that happened to me with an ex a few years back. The cheating, coke using musician asshole ex was real and the traumatic situation that Emily is dealing with in CITU was also based off real events in that relationship. I also was a wedding photographer for over eleven years, but no, I did not have a Matt Murdock/Daredevil BFF. That story started as a cathartic piece that grew into something more and now current issues in life have made it temporarily too difficult for me to work on (though I intend to come back to it).

F Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

“So wait,” you began, a hand raising to your forehead as you tried to understand, “while we were at Josie’s discussing penis whistles just a bit ago, you were out running around as Daredevil?”

Matt’s head tilted to the side, his dark brows creasing together as he blinked hard a few times back at you. He shook his head a moment later, his sightless gaze landing at your chest as a look of confusion and disbelief washed over his features. “You find out I’m Daredevil and yet somehow you still manage to bring up…penis whistles in the same sentence?” he asked, the corner of his lips beginning to tug upwards.

“Well I mean,” you began, mind still reeling, “poor Foggy was left to listen to bachelorette party discussions because you were out doing all of that.” You waved a hand in his general direction for emphasis. “Which, by the way, he definitely needs tit-shaped decorations for the bachelor party. I'm buying him a boob shaped beach ball." You tilted your head to the side for a moment, vaguely aware of Matt lightly laughing as you added, "Come to think of it I think there's a sash that even says 'one clit that's it' and I think he needs that, too. You can tell him I said ‘you’re welcome’ for them. He’ll get it.”

Matt was smiling now, shaking his head yet again and chuckling to himself as he stared back at you in something akin to amused awe. “You’re…you’re telling me to buy Foggy tit-shaped decorations for his bachelor party about fifteen minutes after discovering this huge secret about me?”

“Well, you’re already attractive and successful, why not be a fucking superhero ninja, too?” you blurted.

Honestly there are a lot of dialogue scenes I could choose from and ramble on about (you all know I get excited chatting about FFTD), but this one stands out the most to me. It is from Falling For the Devil in "The Time Daredevil Saved You." I love it (and I guess am proud of it) because whenever someone finds out about Matt's big secret, all hell breaks loose, whether it's in the show or even in a lot of fic. People are pissed and hurt, Matt usually mentally beats himself up about things, it's a whole thing. But here, Reader just accepts it like it's a part of Matt. Basically saying 'Of course you're also a superhero, that doesn't surprise me at all, just add it to the list of everything else great about you!' And I thought it was a fun and different way to go about the identity reveal because you don't generally see that and Matt didn't end up feeling like crap about himself after. Plus the way Reader discovered he was Daredevil was fun, too. I could write you a novel on all the other dialogue in this series alone, but I'll just mention this one 😅

Thank you for asking and distracting me for a bit!! ❤️❤️

[marley-manson]

hahaha yes.jpg i was hoping you'd rb that writing ask game i am v curious about 💝💋🍭🌿 and may be back with others if i see no one asks them

Oh nice, tyvm! Glad I decided to reblog after all lol

💝 what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

hmmm, I'm a litte surprised that my Hawkeye/Frank fic got a lot of positive comments, but as a smaller pair it does kinda make sense since people looking through the ship tag are more likely to find it and be excited about a new fic.

Also in general any comments about someone being emotionally affected by what I write is a little surprising (and really awesome), because I'm pretty emotionally detached from my own writing, and I tend to aim for subtle indications of emotion over big statements and idk if it works most of the time lol, so if I make someone feel some kind of way it feels like a real success.

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

I actually don't care either way, whatever the author does is fine with me. If I leave a long involved comment I might look forward to a response, but if I don't get one I'll forget about it in a day or two anyway lol, and it's nbd.

🍭why did you start writing?

Like way back when I was a kid I just had ideas I wanted to express somehow, and I was no good at drawing lol so it had to be writing. I usually only wrote summaries and outlines of stuff at first, then I started writing scenes and failed attempts at fic that never got anywhere bc I'd run out of steam after half a scene, then longer scenes, and now I'm finally writing full fics. And I still write because I have ideas/opinions/hot takes that I want to express and sometimes meta just doesn't cut it.

There's also a 'be the change you want to see' mentality lol, I only feel inspired to write if no one else is writing [concept]. One nice thing about being really picky about characterization is that the motivation to write remains pretty constant, because the more specific I am about what I want to see, the less likely it is that someone else has already written it.

🌿how does creating make you feel?

I enjoy it! If I didn't enjoy it I wouldn't do it lol, I have v little willpower to push myself through something I don't want to or have to do. I do find it most enjoyable when writing from Hawkeye's pov right now - like I genuinely really enjoy describing things from Hawkeye's pov, the comparisons he makes, the way he phrases stuff, it's super fun to emulate and I always get a little kick when I write something that feels genuinely funny or witty lol. If I'm writing "my own" prose (or BJ's pov lol) then I find that the act of putting words together feels more like work and I have to get enjoyment from just creating what I want to see.

I'm actually unofficially planning to polish up and finish a Berserk wip I've had in my docs for like 5 years for a fandom event, and I'm wondering if I'll have fun or find it a chore lol, since I'm not at the height of my Berserk obsession and neither character has an intrinsically fun voice to write in.

[maratethered]

BLADE & SHIPS, a comprehensive guide.

NOTE: this is my personal take on the ships/dynamics I like for him. If we write any of these, it doesn't have to be exactly the same (it doesn't even have to be a ship, but this is me letting you know that I ship the hell out of it in case you do too). Each of these can be written as a ship, or it can be platonic. I won't automatically assume anything unless we talk about it first.

To get the elephant out of the room first — the current state of him doesn't leave much space for an actual functional relationship for two reasons: one – he's too mentally and physically damaged to be able to feel something real, two – he has one desire and one desire only, that is to die for good. No matter how much he cares about someone in his limited capacity, his case is too complicated, his mind is set on it, nothing will be able to change that. The pain, the exhaustion, there's simply no way he'd ever be able to 'regain passion for living' and it's just something that's always gonna be out there.

Another little thing – he doesn't like being touched. That's not to say he never allows it, he does, when it's someone he trusts (which is like... two people), but after the whole Jingliu ordeal his body looks like an abstract study in scars and that's... a thing he's not particularly happy about. It's not about expecting pain from any kind of touch, he's pretty indifferent to pain, and it's not a body image issue – he sees himself for what he's been turned into, an abomination of abundance, something unnatural and undead, so he doesn't feel at home in his own body, that's about the root of it.

JING YUAN: a weird combination of longing, comfort and confusion. Blade doesn't remember much, but somehow he finds the general's company soothing in a natural way, unlike Kafka's (we'll get to that part). Yingxing had a lot of love and respect for the man back in the day, he trusted him, and some part of him knows that he can still trust him (since you know, Jing Yuan seems to be the only one crossed out on his to-kill list). But there might still be some underlying bitterness there because JY didn't do anything, but he also didn't do anything. It's probably the only ship that can remain somewhat functional if it's slowly rebuilt. In the past verse it's just comforting and warm.

DAN HENG / IMBIBITOR LUNAE: I still don't really know what to do with this mess tbh. Past verse? They'd be inseparable, tons of adoration going both ways because who could resist the temptation that is IL? Not Yingxing. But at this point, Dan Heng isn't him, one day Blade might finally understand it, and whatever there used to be is tainted by hatred and desire for revenge. There's still a part of him that yearns for the man IL once was, but that man is gone forever (and so is Yingxing), so there's nothing but anger and wreckage.

KAFKA: I can hardly see a proper romantic ship here, unless... It's either purely platonic or they're just having fun with each other to kill the time and unwind after a mission (or, in some cases, during). It just works on every level – same goals, no past grievances and they're both hot and stuck in the same boat. Kafka has no fear, the danger a mara-stricken man poses means nothing in that regard, and Blade relies on her spirit whisper quite a lot. It's not a natural way to feel comfortable around someone, but it's a highly efficient one – if she can cleanse his mind of anything but her for a moment, he'll gladly take it. As long as she doesn't abuse her control powers and it benefits the shallow remnants of his emotional stability, being around her is his best place. Plus I live for the found family trope, and the Stellaron Hunters are definitely a family.

[charincharge]

AAAA ok so update on meeting that girl for the first time. Pretty sure you’re absolutely right, thanks for the help <3 Going to try to keep this update somewhat in order: When we get to the meeting place, we realize we have no clue what anyone looks like + no one knows real names, so my family goes to sit down. Meanwhile, I see a REALLY PRETTY GIRL (who I highly suspect is LGBTQ also (I’m pan) but didn’t get to confirm) standing off to the side. Anyways, I said something to my parents about if we had a way to contact her or her parents somehow and the girl I had seen just snaps up to look at me and there’s just a silent “YOU” that passed between us because she recognized my voice from when we play games together. Anyways, yeah she’s SUPER PRETTY???? jshdkdja So after talking to confirm via online aliases, we both get VERY nervous and kind of mumble awkwardly to each other in greeting. Everyone else gets along great right away, so that’s good. BUT THEN we go on the tour and I’m kind of mumbling some comments about things we saw and she laughs and !!!!! We start talking and literally will not shut up by the end of the day. Like, we get along so well???? Even as we were walking back to the cars at the end of the day, we were staying together just talking the whole way. + after the tour we went out to lunch / early dinner and got ice cream. AND apparently she just recently found her first shark tooth and is really interested in them. Since I live like.. 30 mins max from the beach (with tons of teeth!!) I decided to invite her to the beach and now we’re planning to meet again sometime to go look for shark teeth together + she doubts that the aquarium is very interesting so I may or may not take her there too afterwards to prove her wrong :D (context: we have one of the largest, most interactive aquariums and, as someone who normally dislikes going literally anywhere, even I find it really fun). Anyways, today was great and she’s amazing and we’re definitely planning on doing more stuff together soon!!! As I’m typing this, I’m actually waiting for her to come online so I can finish teaching her how to play a game I like (we played for like 4 hours and haven’t even made it through the tutorial yet bc we were laughing too much and getting way too distracted just messing around last time) for the next few hours (aka probably until 2:00am or so-)

But yeah, you’re most likely right. Which also kinda scares me bc I’m also demi and I’ve never felt like that before?? So it’s weird just meeting her for the first time and instantly getting along THAT well. Your advice absolutely helped though, so thank you again <3 I probably wouldn’t have recognized what the source of nervousness was otherwise + I was basically mentally repeating “just act natural, just act natural, …” the entire first half.

Other great stuff: she sat next to me on the bus!! we hadn’t really talked aside from the mumbled greetings at that point and she could’ve easily sat with her family, but NO. She chose to sit next to me instead. we’re also just generally interested in a lot of the same stuff (but in a way that weirdly compliments each other?? Like, same general interests but different aspects of them that often are best when working together). Also pretty much the exact same sense of humor (hence us laughing and talking so much after my initial muttered comments about the tour). Overall, just AAAAAA jshsjdja it was so much fun and after the initial awkward mumbly stage we both were just having a ton of fun.

This sounds like it all went SO well!!!! I’m so glad!!!! I hope it continues on, and even if it doesn’t, you should still be so proud of yourself for getting out there 🥰

[pearl-neo]

writing log 1.

‹ last updated: 22nd of December, 2022 ›

» title: paranoia

» category: one-shot

» genre: contemporary / psychological thriller / suspense / mystery / angst

» cast: johnny⬩jaehyun⬩mark⬩reader's sister

» pairings: johnny + reader ⬩ jaehyun + reader's sister

⚘ pitch/synopsis: After a year spent living as a shut-in, you finally agree to go on a drive with your sister. When a storm steers your plan off course, you find yourselves brought closer to two charming strangers—but an unsettling tension lingers in your mind.

» warnings so far: anxiety; agoraphobia; implications of depression; ongoing feelings of helplessness and general discomfort and self-doubt; mental breakdown; minor violence; character death

» current stage: brainstorm ✓ | draft 1 ✓ | draft 2 ✓ | draft 3 ✓ | draft 4 ✓ | final edit ✓ | proofread ✓ | posted ✓

» word count update: 13,644

» cover photo? complete ✓

⚘ Read on Tumblr | ⚘ on AO3 | ⚘ on Wattpad

⚘ thoughts & ramblings + updates:

‹ NOV 8 ›This is my first time attempting to write a fanfic, my first time working on a short story, and my first time attempting to post anything on Tumblr. I really hope I don't mess up somehow, or break any unspoken rules. ⋟﹏⋞)

‹ NOV 10 › (≈ 6k) Draft 1 complete! I'm stuck so close to the ending. Might have to brainstorm a way out of this dead end...

‹ NOV 18 › (≈ 9k) Draft 2 complete! Just changed something major that'll require me to overhaul a large portion of what I wrote. Had to kill a lot of my darlings. ಥ﹏ಥ)

‹ NOV 22 › (≈ 8k) Draft 3 complete! Okay, I know the word count is going backwards, but the changes went well, I think. It's getting fun! •̀⩊•́)

‹ DEC 1 › Draft 4 started . . .

‹ DEC 2 › At this point, I feel like I'm spending more time adding to and tweaking this blog than I am writing... ಠ‿ಠ) I even made my own png/gif headers for each of my main posts. Now that I'm done setting up everything, hopefully this will be the end of my distraction lol

I didn't put any tags on any of my posts yet, though. I'm kind of scared to, lmao... I think I'll start doing that after the story is actually ready to post, so I'm not just pointing at a blog that has nothing to offer yet. ( ˙▿˙ )

‹ DEC 8 › Today marks a full month of working on this fic! The last thing I wrote today felt like a long tangent (which I honestly have no idea whether it fits the genre or not.) But at the same time I feel like it’s relevant to the plot and character dynamics… Since I have yet to finish and proofread Draft 4 as a whole, I won’t give up hope yet that it’s salvageable. ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ

‹ DEC 19 › (≈ 13k) Draft 4 complete!! I'm nervous. I genuinely don't know whether it's worth posting or not. I think I might gauge that based on the reaction of my proofreaders... Who are very much biased towards me. ʕ◉ᴥ◉ʔ

For now, I'll proofread it one last time, making some final minor edits!

‹ DEC 22 › Having someone else proofread it gave me a lot of confidence! And I didn't think of it as a mystery until two people pointed it out, so it was really helpful seeing it through a new light.

I don't know how many times I've read and reread this story, at this point lol. I think right now it's as good as I'm able to get it. I got so attached to it, and to who the characters turned out to be. I can even still imagine more scenarios of what happens after the ending.

I'm so excited for people to read it! I wonder if anyone will; The thought makes me nervous... ( 〃▽〃)

I will be posting it tomorrow! ♡

⚘ pictures / gifs I associate with the story:

copyright 2022 - 2025 © pearl-neo all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize

[sparkles-oflight]

Ramble incoming ❤️

Hearing people act like not hitting "relationship milestones” is somehow something to be ashamed of, whether they realise they're making people feel like that or not is SUCH A PET PEEVE OF MINE.

Not only is ridiculously ableist to assume or imply it's someone's “fault” it's also very naive. Everyone has different interests and exposures. I wouldn't want to recreate the relationships I've seen in my family that started under 20!

So many pursue relationship milestones just because they feel insecure and want people to perceive that they're wanted- so common among queer communities and ofc it's normal to want that, but not necessarily healthy to act on it. Personally, I feel good about myself and I enjoy intimacy, but I have lots of people around me anyway. So why should I feel a pressure to be in a relationship unless I want kids soon? My last relationship was nice, but I wouldn't take another one lightly, they're still exhausting even when good and healthy!

Even if you did have feelings for someone, it's still reasonable to be selective and get to know someone a bit so there's a level of trust before initiating anything intimate. Just basic physical safety and mental health protection! You can accept people's “issues” and flaws while still being discerning about what you perceive as safe and aligned with yourself. That's not being “picky”. Being picky would be ‘ew but they have blonde hair’, not ‘I think the way this person stops communicating with me with no warning sometimes is unhealthy for me’ or ‘I've seen the way they talk about xyz and I don't feel comfortable with that’

So, please, anyone, don't compare yourself to other generations or anyone who tries to make you feel bad so they can hype themselves up about something absolutely inane. Try and find some friends or mutuals who feel the same way rather than always being around people who try to make you feel inadequate for being totally normal and healthy. I love my friends; several of them are queer but we all feel the same way about this, so it's something we all like to rant in solidarity about when others seemingly don't understand something so basic! 🤝❤️

(sorry, I'll confess I got a bit lost in the first part that I even had to go to Google to translate it into my native language to see if it made sense)

The thing is: logically I know I have my time and I shouldn't compare myself to others and such. But then there are these voices in my head that scream with the Fear of missing out, you know?

But you are right in what you said. All of this began because I was putting into perspective the number of years of relationships in my family lasted (NOT EVEN THE QUALITY, BECAUSE THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY SHIT) next to my lifespan as a joke and as a way to make fun of my "chronic singleness" (that's what I like to call it).

What pissed me off was the comments from people close to me saying that kind of shit about being my fault/being picky/whatever and completely disrespecting me as a person and how I view love and relations because it doesn't fit with what they are used to.

[lavendertowerarchives]

I'm scared. I'm always scared, and never for "normal" stuff.

It's not the point of the post, so I won't draw it out: being "ready" to Leave any given night lets me give absolutely no consideration to the danger I may find myself in. I'm consistently two seconds and one blink away from getting hit by a car (I certainly was today, I somehow didn't even fkn flinch), and the only thing I have to fear from strange people on the street is being flashed (saw a man's whole sack today, not fun) since whatever heat they pack is none of my concern.

I scare myself. Not other things, not other people. I scare myself with what-ifs and if-thens. The more I think about something, the more terrifying it becomes. It doesn't matter what it is.

I'm scared of PAX West not being fulfilling. I'm scared of sending the wrong message or sending any message at all besides the words I speak. I'm scared of wasting my summer. Most of all, I'm scared of people. Who'd've thought the thing I think about most is the most worrisome.

Every sentence I exchange with another is a slight step towards becoming closer with them. That's what I'm chasing. Every day spent not doing so is another mental reset back to zero progress. That's why I chase it.

One would think that the closer my friendship is with someone, the less scared I'd get. No. Exactly the opposite. I ponder them more, and as a result get even more scared that I'd do something to fuck up. What "fucking up" means, I don't know. It doesn't stop me from worrying about it.

If it were just this, It'd be just another "thing lavender does that he doesn't like" and I'd probably use it as a transition for a more important topic. It isn't. The larger issue is that I know I am wrong, and cannot find a way to accept that I am wrong. There's a lot of mental gymnastics done in my struggle between

A. being wrong, thinking that my friends will abandon me after one wrong message

B. knowing I'm wrong, based off what people tell me and remembering all the times I've been verbally loose with friends I still have

C. having all the evidence point to me being right in my assumptions that my relationships are fragile, as I routinely remember all the people who just... never responded to me over the years

D. not being able to act on my knowledge of any of those points due to either executive dysfunction or general social anxiety

So I'm stuck between convincing myself that I have to tread lightly on my friendships and convincing myself that I have barely censored or warped any of my personality around them and if they wanted to leave me they'd have done it already. At all times, I trust my friends to not be volatile in their judgement of our relationship's worth. At all times, I am intimately familiar with G not responding, JH never messaging, E not talking all break, JD ghosting me, JS ignoring me out of her friend group, and very very few people talking to me at all in the past three months. I haven't initiated contact much because I'm still scared it's been too long, or they lost interest, or some other stupid shit that only ever happens in my head.

I'm trying, though. I'm doing my best to see who still wants to talk. I'm not getting very far very fast but at the very least I'm not standing still any more.