#and find something safe to eat
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Taking a bite of food that’s the wrong texture really sets off all my mental issues
#🥲🥲🥲#lmao#is this relatable#autism#anxiety#ocd#contamination ocd#texture issues#sensory issues#health anxiety#the whole shebang#even worse if you were enjoying the food#the worst#mental heath issues#ew#ick#tw eating issues#got me spiralling#anyway#gonna go cry now#and find something safe to eat#why am i like this 🙃#it is what it is
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something that really Gets Me about dungeon meshi is how like. the narrative is so Kind to everyone.
characters will fuck up and do unkind things and hurt each other and do things that are horrifying and the plot will still kind of hold out its hand to them all and say hey. let's share a meal together and talk it out. let's just rest for a minute. you deserve gentleness, we can figure this out together if we take care of ourselves
#dungeon meshi#loverboy wordz#like....being kind to urself is the first step#mithrun loses his only last remaining purpose in life and kabru is like#you'll find something. maybe you can make noodles.#thistle does ALL of that.#and yaad is still like .we have to save him. we have to keep him safe. i can reach him#shuro hurts laios very badly#and laios still wants him to eat and rest and take care of himself and be kind to himself#marcille. well. marcille tries to violently remake the world in order to not be alone#and her friends response is to say marcille you are not alone. we're here for you and we love you#etc!#bark.
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well shit
#I can't believe we're here#again#horrified that so many people are cruel enough or (the most charitable explanation I can think of) stupid enough to put that man in power#stay safe everyone#eat something#drink water#take care of yourself#look out for your community#I might queue up some animal posts or something#it feels wrong to jump right back into fandom posting#but at the same time I think we all need to grab on to any spark of life and joy we can find with both hands right now#yeah#gonna find some animals to reblog#and then I think I'm gonna get offline for the rest of the day#at a minimum
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I know this is a very unoriginal observation (much like any other), but I'm finally reading The Great Gatsby, and even I wouldn't describe men the way Nick does.
#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#i did watch the 2013 film for my ap english class though (i think they didn't have enough time left for us to actually read it)#like the way he described tom was very. superfluous in my opinion. something you want to tell the class NICK (joking)#i find myself really partial to the general writing styles of that time though#i haven't even gotten that far in the book either i'm just barely past the part where daisy is introduced#so nick is just waffling about his family history and how he rents for $80/month#which is relatable when you consider inflation. nick i hope you eat you landlord#i can see why people don't like this writing but i am endlessly fascinated by the prose#maybe i should just free myself from the impulse to hide behind layers of self-censorship and live like nick does#tbh tho i still prefer non-fiction and textbooks BUT fiction is valuable and is useful#fiction is like play - it lets you explore different possibilities and thought in a safe environment
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I've got a headcanon of jamie having problems with food, not an eating disorder, but some kind of issues. Between his autistic coding (flappy hands et al) and the food behaviours which can come with that, and his growing up poor (council estate) and the strict nutrition plan he's on for football, I just see him as having a limited diet and some issues around trying new foods.
I can definitely see that! Like when he's little, Georgie finds a handful of foods that a) Jamie can eat b) she can afford and c) he can prepare on his own if necessary, and then just never really has the time or money to try expanding beyond that since she likely wouldn't be able to afford to replace anything Jamie hadn't tried before if it turned out he couldn't eat it.
So his first consistent encounter with new foods would probably be from school lunches — I don't really know how the football academy system works, but I assume the meals they eat on campus/at training are based around some kind of meal plan guidelines — and staying over or living with his dad. James seems like he would both have very strong opinions about what Jamie should and shouldn't be eating for football (likely without any scientific basis) and be a "suck it up and eat it anyway" type of parent when it comes to sensory issues, which is obviously a pretty terrible combination.
I could see pre-teen/teenage Jamie developing a relationship with food where stuff on his meal plan falls into the narrow category of both providing the necessary nutrients for football and not triggering his sensory issues, while anything outside of that is automatically unappealing because he's never really had the experience of being able to try a bit of something, find that he hates it, and not have to finish eating it anyway. Which could also contribute to his difficulty eating during his 3x11 depression spiral, as the prospect of seeing his dad again might bring up some of those negative associations with food and (at least for me) stress tends to worsen sensory issues.
#i love the phrase “flappy hands et al.” autism symptoms when they co-author a paper#ted lasso#jamie tartt#autistic jamie tartt#fic: the hedgehog's dilemma#sort of? headcanons from that universe at least#tw food#tw disordered eating#also sort of but tagging that one to be safe#asks#in theory i have a tagging system but i can never remember if i tag asks as “asks” (plural) or “ask” (singular)#apologies to anyone who has tried to find something on here#kvetch oc
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Also @ my it takes Sharena to break free from the "Gustav was a good man/Father" Askr family unreliable narrator hivemind. That the Main Reason she can't/doesn't is because it's the One Thing that's protecting her. That's stopping her from having a catastrophic world/life fucking breakdown about it. Heavily influenced by her brother and mother's feelings about it.
There's something else, I think Sharena is specifically protecting herself from too. She was Triandra's sister, too.
#feh#IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO TRIANDRA. FOR ME. FOR SOME REASON.#ALSO. ALSO. when it comes to 'comparing' what 'is/isn't' abuse. something logically ik you can't/shouldn't do#but like. tri/peony's father's ye olde fairytale villain levels of abuse vs gustav's abuse. which is.#so so. like. like i feel like i could meet someone and they could tell me yeah my dad was [insert every gustav trait here]#like. that's not to say the level of abuse tri/peony endured is impossible or realistic. like. it's just a rarer more horrifying case#that reads like an evil stepparent story ala cinderella.#like sliding scale/ends of a spectrum we have gustav (bad dad you can find anywhere dime a dozen)#to triandra's dad (cinderella stepmom levels of abuse but not entirely out of the realm of reality unfortunately just a rare case)#to sombron (literally actual cartoon levels of evil. which also isn't to dismiss anything but like.#he had a bunch of kids and then forced them to kill each other. and then did whatever he did to veyle. who was Lucky#she was too young to participate in the sibling battle royale to the death brawl.)#idk idk. it's like#back when i used to exist i had friends/peers who would talk about their family situations and#it was like. a frame of reference. that's horrible and outright abusive and i'm so sorry you have to go through that.#meanwhile. my own situation. i always describe it as 'stupid and complicated'.#idk idk. i just think sharena's feelings about gustav are more Loadbearing. than anything else.#and she's also like. she loves her brother so much. looks up to him and is inclined to trust/agree w whatever he says#like sharena obvs still has her own feelings/thoughts. but like. alfonse is also just so important to her.#and then there's henriette. who sharena does actively strive to be like. ect ect#idk idk. this is something other than breadcrumbs intsys gives me moldy bread cuts off the mold and tells me#it's safe to eat and that the mold was never there actually. but i remember. i remember the mold.#sharena#fe triandra
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Why not combine them? You could post about MineDai eating pasta! Does Mine bulk with pasta? Does Daigo have a favorite pasta dish? Do they cook it together for a date night? Does Daigo even know how to boil water?? (Genuinely if you have any interest in posting about this please do, would read)
mine could, in fact, be the one who makes daigo pasta with a lil olive oil and salt and parmesan youre right ......
#snap chats#in MY world anyway ......#posts that inspired me to stop playing fps games to eat pasta instead <- im playing again later with my brother#bulking with pasta tho ..... im built like a cool stick you find in the forest but i love having pasta after a midday run ...#maybe not as a Meal meal but a quick meal just to have something afterwards yk#though would that not be lunch .... pasta lunch ... not a terrible meal for lunch actually...#idk i dont really eat lunch. unless that IS lunch.... idk dont ask me about the specific dietary habits of characters i dont eat#i dont imagine daigo has a favorite pasta dish- not that he doesnt like pasta its just not something he has strong opinions on#spaghetti's always a safe choice isnt it .... omg jollibees spaghetti ... i dont think he's had any but i just want JB spaghetti now ...#im full on pasta actually my stomach hurt <- just ate / contradicting 'i dont eat' statement#i cant imagine daigo and mine cooking together. maybe its because the thought of someone cooking with me makes me want to kill them#like im literally trying to cook here get out of the WAY. mine would be more nice of course he'd just have daigo wait if he was cooking#i should draw something with that .. i see it clearly. .. one day.#i just think itd be nice if daigo Wnated to help and insisted on it but mine's Deadass this time like. Go Away. Respectfully.#daigo'd prob joke about helping but then he gotta get hit with the Im Serious tone and now he's laughing while he walks away#like FIIIINNNEE WHATEVER guess he wont get the chairmans help <- the kitchen will not be burned down now#thats hyperbolic. moving on#youre right anon with the power of my mind i can make anything about my day related to minedai#i will be abusing this power indefinitely
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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Okay no you know what? I’ve held my tongue on this for long enough (everyone in my life knows my opinion on this topic) - I have a very deep beef with chain restaurants changing their soft pretzels as if that isn’t a direct personal attack against me, specifically. First it was Applebees beer cheese and pub pretzels like 5 years ago. They used to look like this:
Long, skinny, look like they’d be dry as fuck but they were soft on the inside with a delightfully crisp exterior and the beer cheese was DIVINE. This is what they replaced it with:
This switch happened around the same time Applebees added breadsticks w/ Alfredo dipping sauce to their list of appetizers. When I tell you that these things are just straight up the breadsticks with a spray tan. I’m not sure if the breadstick flavor made the beer cheese taste like Alfredo, if they mistakenly gave me Alfredo sauce, or if they straight up replaced the beer cheese with Alfredo sauce. I can tell you that I tried it at two different locations (hoping the second would have the old ones) and then swore off Applebees forever.
But you wanna know a recent, even more heinous soft pretzel betrayal? Monk’s Bar & Grill. I don’t think I’ll even have to explain this one. Here’s the old pretzel option:
And here’s what they replaced it with:
They don’t even salt these bland, dry, cheap bites. Monks, how could you?
I hope Culver’s doesn’t get any wise ideas from these chumps.
#also monks changed their cauliflower bite recipe so now my vegan friend can’t eat them there’s no point going#Applebees is dead to me forever idgaf#unless they bring the good shit back then I’ll be there daily#used to order the pretzels to go just bc I was craving them fuck you whichever Applebees team made that choice!! u suck!!!!!#this is just a pretzel post but I know this isn’t an original experience for people having their safe foods recipes changed#taco John’s switched up their cheese for their quesadillas and that was a hard truth to face lmao#also to be clear I have no beef with pretzel bites other than the cheep ones piss me off#Culver’s pretzel bites are great and I’m thankful they became a permanent menu item#but like#why would monks think going from a braid to bites would be good? just to make it ‘more shareable’?#my guy that braid was my entre there was no sharing#that and the cauliflower bites were a 10/10 combo#also am aware that these complaints are silly but I just reposted something about soft pretzels and wanted to vent passionately#and also find those pictures of the old Applebees pretzels cuz lots of people have no clue what I’m talking about#arfid#soft pretzel#food rant#autistic things#personal#‘they’re both bad chains!’ is a valid point I have no rebuttals they got rid of the only things worth fighting for 😤
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Lots of youtubers get sponsors from various meal delivery services and as a disabled person they always tempt me when i see them
but i also have a lot of food allergies and i've yet to find one that has any options for someone like me
well, one i just saw does have "gluten free" options and when I clicked through their start up, it gave me a choice to pick a type of food I need to avoid.
One type of food.
There are three on that list that could kill me. It doesn't give me a choice of picking more than one.
So oh well. I'll just keep eating the one food I've found that I can microwave that won't kill me.
No food variety for me.
rip.
#whenever i bring up my issues finding safe food#people always tell me to cook something#'it's super easy to make __'#for YOU maybe#my disabilities make it nearly impossible for me to do more than microwave something#so i just eat the same thing for all my meals every fucking day#because i can't safely eat any other easy to prepare foods#and i can't make any safe foods myself#guess i'll die#food cw
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Was on my way to the kitchen to make one of my safe foods and once I thought about actually eating it my stomach heaved and my brain made the 🤢 emoji at me so now what the fuck am I supposed to do
#it’s so tragic when a safe food falls out of favor :(#like that’s like 1/3 of what my brain allows me to eat and now I have to find something else????#a talking onion
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hm.
struggling to eat or rather struggling with wanting to eat even though i'm hungry.
fucking klaxons are going off in my head whenever i think about eating and it's just. it's a lot. it's been a while since i've felt this way and i don't know what triggered it so i can't resolve it and fuck fuck fuck
#tw ed#i need to find something ANYTHING to eat to break this#but all i can think about are calories and “unhealthy” food and failure#i don't have any ���safe” food in the house because it's been so long since i felt this way#and i know i can't go to the shop right now because i'll have a panic attack#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK
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i mean who is ever going to love me that much again
#dellete#who is ever going to write me notes for me to find assuring me that the house is safe when i sleep through the alarm and who is ever going#to be alive because i am and make sure i eat well and treasure my work and tie lucky jade around my neck to#keep me safe because a world without me is unbearable#i mean i. i try real hard to be a good friend and listen to people and do all i can in service and grow but i just#i just was expecting it to feel better. like i would leave home and wake up one fresh morning and feel like something thats capable#of being loved#and i can never feel safe at home again#and im so tired of praying myself stronger and cutting out the soft bits and biting into my fist and writing#reminders to do better and think better and act better and be better#who is ever gonna really need me man. just as i am. without hitting me#the key is without hitting me. really#i know the dream is to be seen and loved completely#does anyone ever get it?
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starting an origins server with some of my siblings friends and i just found out everyone's making characters up for it i feel like the combo i picked has so many possible outcomes
#i'm thinking of going a grimwalker route where they like a memoryless clone of someone they never knew#my spawn is in the nether and i def wanna make it my home base. i don't think anyone else is spawning in the nether so that'll be fun#interesting for me bc i'm usually the one leeching off others recourses to build stuff but ALSO story wise very isolating#you wake up in hell and it's gross and weird but something about it is familiar.#not in memories per se but muscle memory. not things you did but knowing what not to eat#what's friendly. what hurts. maybe they know their a reincarnation of someone else deep down.#but that person was a blip in time. discipated into the endless seas of molten lava a long time ago.#their soul and magic just now mustering up the strength to become whole again. to become SOMETHING.#it was many eons ago that that person existed. their belongings and home have long since decayed and become one with the hellish landscape#there is no time to think of who you once were. there is only survival.#but the moment you have a home and supplies and are truly safe. you feel a deep fear.#a fear of who you once were long ago. who they could've been. what you should be. momories you no longer possess.#a longing to understand and go back to being a self you never were.#a person who's existence has been lost to time.#you shake off these feelings as best you can#but every time you find yourself in the overworld looking out at the vast ocean#you can't help but wonder wether they hated the deep blue sea as much as you do.#sassy speaks#mc#WHY DID I WRITE SO MUCH HELP I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT-
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sry its just like rly incredibly annoying how much ppl will like. IDK. yes ik a lot of autistic and adhd ppl who do love music. and sometimes it is bc of their neurodivergence yk. music can be grounding its familiar its reliable and comfortable. i think its fine to say Autistic/ADHD ppl often find comfort in music. but its stupid as fuck to say Therefore enjoying music makes you autistic/adhd.
#like that cant be the only diagnostic criteria... im not at all anti self dx but i am anti just hearing abt something doing 0 research and#being like yep thats so me. yk.#likeee. i have a LOT of issues on the psych industry trust me. i also think in a lot of cases its dangerous to be diagnosed. and in most#cases self dxing even uninformed self dxing isnt harmful its just like. idk. it can be harmful when you use it to spread misinfo#even unknowingly. IDK.... like. i enjoy eating the same foods over and over bc they are safe and reliable. expecting these foods#and then getting something different than what i was expecting is incredibly upsetting. that is bc of my autism but if that was the ONLY#autistic trait i had i wouldnt say i was autistic i would just say that i find comfort in my foods being reliable and i dislike change.#and i think a lot of ppl just feel this need to put a label on every single thing abt them down to like. the way they walk.#like do i do the classic autistic Walking on the balls of my feet yes its true i do do that. but again i wouldnt say i was autistic just bc#of that... sometimes its just a quirk you have. sometimes you just have things you do and you dont need a label to put on them to explain#that thing... its more just like. if you do have that dx or whatever you can look at that thing and be like oh this might be bc of that dx.#and you can kind of bond over that with other ppl. IDKK its complicated and im rambling#again idt its like super harmful to self dx even uninformed its just like. i wish sometimes people would just be like . chill abt labels#its the same thing with sexualities and gender like. sometimes you dont need a hyperspecific word to describe your entire identity sometime#you can just be a person. yk. like i love being bisexual i love the bisexual label and im proud of being bi. i dont feel the need#to look into the specific ratio of who im attracted to or when im attracted to them or whatever to make a more specific label. IDK THO#idk. basically i just think instead of trying to group everybody into these tiny Ultra specific groups of ppl you relate to i think you#should just be like. Oh everybodys a person even if they dont experience everything the exact way i do. idk whatever
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For all the teething I've been doing on Pavo and Esti i haven't been able to like, actually write any thing for them recently mostly because I've been Busy.
But also because I'm snapping between like 3 ideas for them at terminal velocity and haven't been able to actually get anything written for them and it's like having pumas bouncing around my skull at mach fuck as though theyre house cats at 2 am when you're trying to sleep,
#idea one is the day after things start changing and they haven't discussed it fully yet.#Pavo is mulling over some things and Esti is too nervous to ask about it. but they're alone out hunting#its such a nice day. and Esti thinks hes going to be saying goodbye soon. and hes making himself sick with anxiety over it#and they're alone together like old times but its Not like old times because Esti remembers how sweetly Pavo had kissed him that#morning after and how good it had felt to spend the whole morning in bed cureld up against him.#and Esti doesnt think he could stomach the idea of leaving without getting another kiss or at least finding out if Pavo regretted it or not#and the story is them being sweet on each other and avoiding the big heavy topic until Esti can verbally ask about it. because like Pavo#knows him well enough to know whats eating him up. but he wants to hear Esti say the words#and then the second idea is Esti waking up from a nightmare after hes been brought home from that hell. he screams for Pavo and#like of course pavo is on his feet and at the door that separates their rooms in an instant. but its locked and Esti is too#scared to navigate to it because hes already wound up and hes still not used to life as a blind man. so the idea of getting out of bed#and crossing an open room with nothing to help him orient himself is Terrifying.#probably more than it should be but the nightmares are still fresh in his head and hes having to make himself focus and ignore them#and just reasure himself that it Actually is Pavo and not one of those monster that had used his voice. and its hard hes crying and Pavo#has to take down part of the fucking door frame to get the sliding door off its tracks without just busting it down since Esti didn't#need that particular audio experience right now and he liked that doors painting and Pavo had already sent for the craftsperson who#made his eyes to commission them to make a set for esti. and he doesn't want to destroy something pretty esti likes when itll only be a few#until esti can enjoy it again. and he gets into the room and esti scooches over in bed to welcome him into it because despite Everything#esti still will always feel safer pinned between a wall and Pavo than anywhere else. and he just needs to feel safe.#and the third thing is because of something deardest said a yesterday i think about Pavo in his old age. and im just Chewing on the image#of him and esti in his carriage. Esti's hair has gone white and hes nearing his end. and thentwo of them are together and happy#and able to reflect on the lives they've had together. and its mostly just the idea of Pavo being glad hes so much older than Esti. because#it means despite Esti only being half demon and having a much shorter life because of it. Pavo isnt going to outlive him by very long.#and All of this. Everything was because of how scared Pavo was to be alone. and hes not going to have to be in his last days.#so Yeah. thats been whats on my mind when im not devoting it to like lame shit like work#wow im bad at reading#their url is derederest#not deardest
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