#and failing twice means you don't get the degree

[supercantaloupe]

musicology comps are officially on my horizon. and it's apparently four back to back one hour exams 😩

[mystycalypso]

I would love to see Laserblast and K.O. Bonding. He really does care about his son since you also headcanon Laser to not have had much parental guidance so this was definitely him trying his best and learning on the go.

Probably have read up on what to do as a single parent or something, until he ends up trying to learn on the go. Better than what any books can teach you. spoiler Alert: They can't with this thing.

I kept putting this off until I could post K.O.'s sheet, however, uh, I'm not even sure if he'll even win this next poll and I cannot wait to post cute father-son stuff. So you guys get to see his design early

He'd finally left his vigilante days behind him when K.O. was around 3, agreeing to go undercover for P.O.I.N.T. in Lakewood, and opening the Fitness Dojo.

Actually being around and awake during the day, and without Dr. Greyman to babysit at night, it was then when he finally realized the impact what he'd been doing was having on his body, and more importantly, that he was extremely unprepared for an extremely extroverted and hyper child. While looking into books or other things of the sort would've been smart, he instead turned to his three first and best students, Gertie especially.

When he had time off, time outside would be a consistent part of their routine, especially before naps and bed in attempts to tire Kaio out. Though most often it ended up putting them both to sleep.

He also rather quickly realized just how fascinated Kaio was with heroism. More than much else honestly. And being able to tell someone else about the petty evil he would fight as a kid, or his time as a junior member without getting compared to a "bigger" hero was an exhilarating experience.

Sure half the time he was convinced he was failing somewhere, or not parenting as well as others he saw around the plaza, but hearing him tell classmates that his dad was a great hero, made him feel important, even if it was only to his kid.

As K.O. has gotten older, it's become a running joke to those around the plaza that they tend to mirror each other, sometimes on purpose, like K.O. trying to copy the way his dad chews on suckers to help him think, even after he's accident knawed the candy off and is left with a dissolving paper stick. Or just accidentally making the same face at a food they don't like, the joyous glimmer that lights up their eyes at the idea of helping others. Or even the way they wring out their sweatbands after a long workout.

Finally, a rather regular part of their routine still is a weekend spa day, at least twice a month. As you guys have sort of already gotten to see, K.O. has a lot of his father's more androgynous or even fem-leaning features. Most obviously his longer natural lashes. His father is also very comforting in his gender expression. So he's been taught that makeup and clothes are genderless, and self-care is vital to a hero. (Although at his age, he doesn't understand that that doesn't just mean properly cleaning and taking rest days from workouts)

Laser still often has moments of- for lack of better terms, youthful stupidity. Despite being 27-32 he's a bit stunted maturity-wise, often being seen as downright childish by others, when K.O. isn't around he'll try to cover this by masking, acting more stoic and 'mature', however when his son is around he has a much harder time resisting the urge to just be himself. And when he does drop the mask after, he seems to get a lot more blasé and tired about the whole thing to an almost- odd degree.

[magnuficent76]

Hi guys. I missed Radha so much. Here's a lore dump on her !!! Don't mind her blood it gets explained. [under cut]

Radha (No Known Last Name) is a Pandoran Legend, someone whose title of fighter was earned through unimaginable amounts of effort and blood, and with that kind of reputation you have to be constantly on top of your game, which is why she is constantly pushing herself to the absolute limit of what a human being should be able to accomplish. And that IS a bad thing for the record she should NOTTT be doing allat (examples of what she does is do strength training with trains, boulders, people AND animals, run several miles every single day while being chased by people shooting at her, undergo mutations to be stronger still, have Eridian technology implanted into her arms, etc).

She is Not your average girl, and by that I mean she's completely deranged and should not be replicated under any circumstances because she's genuinely on some different shit. For a couple years now, she has been completely banned from every single legal AND illegal fighting tournament planetwide for how excessive and violent she truly is, even to the degree bandits go to, so now she just roams around without any purpose trying to find a new role for herself. This gets combined with how she feels like she's never going to find a true opponent to match her strength, which sucks because she has spent her whole life fighting and now there's nothing else to gight. For a while she just wastes away in the desert, annoyed that the universe would stop her at her peak (she won every single competition she has ever participated in and it was unfair to everyone else every time) (she's got alien rocks in her that make her more powerful) (she should not be allowed and that's why she isnt).

That is, up until one day, she meets some guy offering her a free tour, who then fails to knock her out Twice before he steals her wallet and runs away. This guy is Archer, and he just showed the world's most violent woman his entire ass before running away with one of her belongings /silly

Having some weird little 17 year old twerp be genuinely so ballsy as to actually attempt to scam Radha, who in her eyes is the ultimate life form from just how insanely strong she is, and who has, again, won every single fighting competition she's ever been on to the point of using the medals and belts she's won as armour, gave her some perspective on what she could potentially be missing out on. Radha figured that if there was courage out there to rob a 7 foot tall woman with muscles larger than their own head, then there was opportunity to be had with them, that maybe what she needed was to find out what gave them the sort of drive to be so ridiculously reckless. So she goes to find him again.

Of course, tracking Archer down was the easy part, convincing him that she wasn't just going to immediately kill him for his transgression was the hard one. This woman hasn't been in touch with her feelings since she was 8 obviously she's not gonna know how to soothe a lanky child. Ever since then, Radha's been working as muscle for Archer and Jonah more out of a sense of "I need to learn what it means to be alive outside of fighting", but she'll still gladly do fighting the second it pops up. She's not quite sure what she's learning because she's not paying attention to the friendship lessons out of a sense of superiority, but they still rub off on her sometimes.

And heres some fun facts about her to close this all off :]

- Radha's strength comes from messing around with Eridian artifacts... kind of. They overstimulate her adrenaline receptors so she doesn't notice pain or overworking herself, but otherwise they're just there to look cool. The artifact in question is mildly radioactive and her eyes glow in the dark about it. Don't worry she's fine, that's like the least of her worries

- When she was fighting, she worked with sponsors that would ensure that she could keep fighting for as long as physically possible, and while that never took away her enjoyment of fighting it did make it so all her free time was gone CONSTANTLY, and so she basically only existed to take aggression out on things. Don't worry about her she's normal once again

- Radha doesn't have a lot of memories of her childhood, or teenagehood, and really not even really of her early adulthood, because she views them only as displays shows of weakness (why are you a baby ? Just fucking grow) and so she repressed them so hard they may as well not even exist anymore. She took a lot of memory erasing procedures to make sure she wouldn't remember. Which is the sign of a good normal and well adjusted woman <3

- Has like a million hobbies now to get herself out of just Fighting Constantly, and even though she doesn't like committing too hard on them, she still has her fun and enjoys what she does.

- Loves fishes :) thinks they're very sweet lookin

[ask--eggman]

📩 Dr. Eggman Ask blog 🥚

Attention all!

It is I, Dr. Eggman, the greatest scientific genius and the brilliant, smart and handsome soon to be ruler of this world!

I know you all must be trembling with either excitement or fear, as you should be! An expected and understandable reaction to being undeservingly graced by my glorious presence. Especially because with this blog, you can finally be lucky enough to interact with me and ask me questions!

Ignore any rumors of this all being "propaganda" for the Eggman Empire. You don't need to be convinced to join. It's a no brainer, it doesn't take a genius mind like mine to know that you and the world will be much better under my rule! I simply state facts here. I promise.

Important things to know:

Blog is for adults 18+ only!

I'll treat you like the underlings you are, to teach you of your place beneath me in the future of my empire early. Some say that's rude. The nerve! They're simply the traits a real powerful and confident ruler should have! But of course I'm the only one cut out for it, so I shouldn't expect anyone to understand.

I'll be open about the glorious evil I get up to with my immaculate calculated schemes! Unless you ask for top secret information to use against me and try to stop me... You can't outsmart me, I can tell! And you will fail miserably!

Anyone with a distaste for my methods and hobbies - ignore anything evil you might've seen here. Pay no attention to any mentions of schemes and violence, only believe the posts about how totally brilliant, helpful and beneficial my rule and empire are.

You can expect violence of varying degrees. I'm sure you all know by now that I'm not above crushing my enemies and reveling in their defeat! What? They totally deserve it!

NSFT allowed. I know everyone wishes they could have a chance with me and must be very eager to hear all about it. ;)

All this to say that this blog is not suitable for small children - or big babies.

Feel free to fill out a brief survey after your visit. Your opinions matter to us! Unless you didn't have fun, then we don't care.

More extra notes from a silly little lackey of mine who serves as this blog's moderator below:

---------------------

Games canon source Eggman, every game mainline to spin off, no exclusions. There's a possibility for occasional divergence due to slight inspiration from other official media but with a clear heavy game focus.

He will be canon accurate and nasty, rude, arrogant, condescending, a big jerk and unpleasant reactions and behaviors will be portrayed in an often comedic way. Keep in mind, it doesn't reflect the feelings or beliefs of the author - no hard feelings!

There's a chance not all questions will be answered. It's okay to resend once or twice just in case it wasn't sent. But just because it might take a while to get a response, doesn't always mean we didn't get it or you're not getting one.

I'm an adult and open to NSFT and fet!sh asks, very lax and don't judge. Will be tagged to the best of my ability. Eggman may do a combination of teasing and entertaining, or just be oblivious towards why you're asking, depends. Just be 18+. No minors at all!

Feel free to ask to tag.

[cobra-creampuff]

headcanon that stede loses himself in stories in the purest and fullest escapism possible. he has an extraordinary imagination, extraordinary avoidance mechanism, and extraordinary lack of self(-perception). as such, it's easy and automatic for him to insert an imaginary, idealized version of himself onto any character in any story that he likes, without it ever occurring to him to identify with or even really catch on to any real similarities to himself and his life that might be paralleled in fiction.

even if he happens to read or be told a tale that has such reflections in it, they will pass him right on by completely unobserved, and he will either find the story unbearably dull or he will warp it into something idealized and project onto it as if it's totally fantastical and foreign to him like any other. he simply never sees himself in a story, because he doesn't see himself in real life either and has absolutely no interest in doing so (at least up until his final scene of season one, and these things don't change overnight so still past that but to a gradually lesser degree as he develops. um. for as long as he... continued to develop. lol).

like obviously stede does make everything all about him (tho we did see - for like a second. lol. - that he's trying to get better about that), but ignoring all the themes in a narrative work and any remotely undesirable trait in a character in order to make it the perfect escapist projection fantasy is functionally still making everything, or rather in this specific case, every story all about you, it just happens to be your personal ideal of perfection rather than your experiences. haha actually sort of like- *the audience relation director hurriedly turns off my mic*

cough. anyway. ed also makes everything about himself, but the other way around. he actively looks for himself in stories and in other people's experiences, and inserts himself if he can't find it.

at the same time, he also doesn't particularly want to see himself - not the parts of himself that he takes conscious note of anyway - so he generally just avoids getting close enough to anyone to relate to them. if he absolutely needs to know something about somebody else he'll guess(timate) or flat out make something up. he does that with people's preferences/tastes, feelings, backstories, even sometimes their names (except when unavoidable, or when he slips up and accidentally lets himself form a genuine human connection lmao). i mean, this is in part because most people ed's involved with are almost certainly going to die pretty grisly deaths, most likely during their acquaintance with him, and when he's captain it's kinda his responsibility, and he doesn't want to grieve or feel guilty for anything ever. but also the first stuff i said.

and then re: stories, if he's going to engage with one he needs it to be as exaggerated and/or abstract as possible and also preferably vague as well. that way it's distant and he can tell himself he wasn't really in it, it could have been about anything, actually it was really just about the nonexistent thing that was in it - like the story he told about the kraken killing his dad. like there's plenty of room to interpret that while we were seeing the flashback, ed had more lines describing the scene to his in-universe audience off our screens. but! i think it's more in character if he left it to just the few flippant lines we actually heard. he loves the drama and the attention, of course, but not as much as he (thinks he) wants to not be truly seen.

he tries stede's method via the jeff act, but we see that fail immediately and spectacularly at any hint of doubt twice (at the fancy party when they laughed at him and in the gravy basket when hermit hornigold didn't indulge the roleplay scenario). and to be honest i'm personally counting three more: when izzy pushed back against the ep10... Situation, when ed threw blackbeard overboard and became breakfast in bed bf instead but stede was still into piracy, and when he was forced by confrontation to admit his fanciful ideal of being a fisherman didn't match up with reality. plus i think if read hadn't interrupted, his little therapy speak word salad "i'm doing better than i ever was" guy with the rabbit would have gone the same way. (and obviously the inn idea would go this way too. so it's a good thing that never happened! lmao can you imagine...)

(vs stede who tries to play the idealized character, fails, pretends he didn't after a period of depression, but then adjusts the role to better fit his true self and is successful; they did write the arcs of stede becoming himself + ed accepting himself that they meant to, they just broke both their legs and their fucking neck on the dismount.)

ANYWAY. catch me writing a whole fucking meta post just to say stede would think nothing of telling the story of fenrir and tyr at storytime post-the parts of canon that aren't drivel.

you know, the story about the monster of mixed race parentage who is destined for violence due to said parentage even though all he really wants is fame, and the one man brave enough to get close to him? and the man helps the monster grow, until he gets too frightening and everyone decides he can't be tamed? so the man offers a limb in exchange for the monster's restraint, perhaps trusting that he wouldn't hurt his only friend? but the monster bites that limb clean off and eats it?* yeah, that one.

stede would be jazzed to tell a story about/by legendary sea-faring idols of conquest and (homoerotic) masculinity with norms that run counter to the social environment he loathes that ed (and izzy) wouldn't already know (and probably pop his rose-colored bubble about). he would not think hm maybe not This one though. all he sees is the excitement! *stefan voice* this myth has everything: prophecies, friendship, betrayal, blood and gore, finely crafted textiles...

meanwhile, ed is trying to beat himself to death since SOMEBODY managed to fuck that up, and izzy is shaking, crying, throwing up,,

*editorialized to make tyr seem better and fenrir seem worse, to align with how ed would interpret it in reflection of his self-perception, though i'll also say the very same ed hearing the very same story in a different mood would interpret a worse tyr and a better fenrir than textually depicted just as well

[elecballoon]

Impulse Analyses 11/1/24: YYH Ep 108

(Analysis beyond the cutoff because spoilers. Go watch Yu Yu Hakusho, its characters are pretty rad. Another banger story from Togashi)

Loved Kurama’s choice of tree to grow to victory: it’s very indicative of which identities he chooses to part with and which identities to keep (if it wasn’t obvious already with him changing back out of his “Yoko” form and into his “Suichi” form). I wanted to cry the moment I realized the color of the petals on both the tree in Kurama’s family flashback and the tree he used to win were deliberately the same. Then I wanted to cry even more seeing Shigure jump to his death (“a swordsman is never defeated twice”) as Sad Beautiful Memory played in the background. I liked Shigure design-wise and character-wise :(

The characters shown here (Kurama, Yomi, and Shigure), complemented with the use of current supporting cast (Kurama’s friends), neatly convey themes of identity, and how it can be used as a reason and/or an excuse for certain choices (not that you should ever use your identity for any heinous acts, but we’ll get to that.)

Kurama “wins” the question/themes by choosing an identity that both he and others can be happy with (Kurama with his human, non-Yoko identity). Despite it meaning to be a disappointment and an initial failure to both competition and peers, Kurama chose to not put on his “Yoko” self any longer, as he was happier as his “Suichi” self.

It was a decision despised by Yomi, as he wanted Kurama at his best for this tournament.

It was a decision that even Yusuke was concerned about, as Kurama risked his life to a more unnecessary degree just because he didn’t want to be associated with a name, face, and identity he hated (a valid motivation, don't get me wrong, but it was a motivation that was going to get him killed if he wasn't careful). If you got the impulsive, reckless character among your circle wanting you to make a move, you know something’s up.

But it was a decision that Kurama wanted to make anyway, to show both those around him and himself that he could be the person he wanted to be any day of the week.

Yomi and Shigure “fail” the question/themes by choosing an identity and a life that not only puts a burden on themselves, but others as well. Yomi makes it clear that he has a high standard for Kurama’s performance in the tournament, mainly because he ties his identity so closely to his status, to Kurama, and how much of a fighter he is compared to Kurama. Purposefully or not, Yomi puts pressure on Kurama just because he (Yomi) wants to feel GOOD about his standing compared to Kurama (a former superior to Yomi). Yomi is very much stuck in the past, and refuses to process his past in a way that helps both him and others. That’s why he decides to have a kid to beat during the tournament. He hasn't really found an identity beyond his past failures and his current strength.

Shigure also puts pressure on Kurama, but not as much as Yomi. Shigure tries to force interactions with Kurama during this fight, using his sword to provoke a reaction out of his opponent with every throw he makes. Not only that, but he also put pressure on himself (his “don’t lose twice or die” philosophy). As Kurama observed succinctly, Shigure didn’t have to jump to his death. But he did it anyway just because of his loss count. Part of me also thinks he jumped to his death because he saw the petals of Kurama’s tree and thought "damn what was i doing with my life this is beautiful" and just came to the conclusion that 1) He isn't worthy of such a sight, and/or 2) He wasn't living in a way that, in hindsight, he would have liked. Either way, he wasn't helping anyone nor himself by living the way he was.

(I wrote this analysis right after watching the episode around 11 pm, so let me know if I got anything wrong. Thanks for reading!)

[acephysicskarkat]

The wild thing about Tumblr and enemies-to-lovers is that while it seems magnetically drawn to stuff that does it so badly it'd work better as deliberate subversion than sincere endorsement, its instincts as to what should happen in a good enemies-to-lovers arc are actually spot on! It's just that instead of seeking out stories where those things, what's the word, actually happen, they seem to prefer ones where they don't, and then just pile on headcanons and "this must have happened at some point because it'd be stupid not to" until their version of the story is impossible to reconcile with the original media.

Like, the idea that C*tra was pulling her punches on Adora throughout the first four seasons of SP0P is nonsense. It's overtly incompatible with literally every interaction the characters have between the first outright murder attempt in "The Promise" and the apology in "Corridors", in which C*tra repeatedly tries to kill Adora in painful ways, layers on the emotional cruelty with a trowel and literally tries to end the world just to hurt her*. It's brought into the show in S5 and it doesn't make much sense when it is because it meshes so poorly with what we've been shown!

But this nonsensical claim has so much traction because it would have been smart for the writers to make it true. And I don't mean in the "it doesn't make sense but S5 pretends it does" way, I mean if C*tra had been pulling her punches, had dialled back on the awfulness instead of cranking it up to maximum every time Adora entered her line of sight, the romance might actually have been good.

You get similar nonsense from R*ylo. That post about "a character who wants to be evil but inadvertently does good" does not describe Kylo Ren, whose attempts to resist "the call of the light" are entirely successful by the end of TLJ and then he's just magically saved by the power of JJ Abrams' hackery. But the romance might begin to maybe sorta make sense if he was, so obviously that must be true, and the degree to which he just sucked as a person needs to be rewritten in light of that necessary truth.

It's just...wild to me that these very good instincts about what it would be a good idea for enemies-to-lovers writers to put in are used not to identify ones that do those things, but to encrust the ones that don't in such a dense layer of fanon that the original form is entirely unrecognisable, like a dead parasite at the heart of a pearl.

*"but ND said C*tra pulled the lever out of curiosity-" I have dismissed that claim on the grounds that I've actually watched the actual episode under discussion with my own fucking eyes, twice, and if the original intent was to portray C*tra as being motivated by curiosity it failed so hard it deserves some sort of high-velocity medal

[importantdestinydefendor]

Azar was appointed the highest military rank in Maar (I know you gave it a name but you were considering changing some names so does that include the title?) at a very young age, 22 if I recall, though you said you might change that. Nonetheless, she was very young when she got the rank. You said it was a matter of survival for her. I assume it has something to do with her half-Maaren half-Parsian lineage, as she'd be half foreign in Maar. Did something happen to facilitate her scrambling to rise through the ranks? Was she discriminated against? Were her relatives (evil aunt?) involved in that? Oh and how old is she actually, by Pars era 320? 22?

(It's a lot of questions, I know, and I know you usually don't like spoiling stuff but it's been weighing on my mind since I saw you mention ��it was a matter of survival for her” and I just have to give it a try.)

Finally getting around to this.

I'm so happy that I'm not the only one who has Azar brain rot and that you all love her as much as I do!

So, small correction. Azar is 100% Parsian.

She does have family in Maar but only through second degree. The sister of her father married a Maaren farmer and built a family there (a pretty big one... I should maybe make a separate post for that). And it is at their, like, inn/tavern/farm in the village Rus where she grew up after being brought to Maar by said sister and, to some extent, Vahriz when she was one year old.

Now to the question that sparked your ask, probably.

Her "evil" aunt was part of the reason. Vahriz knew her when they all were young (or rather when he was young and they (also meaning Daryuns dad and Azar's mom) even younger) Their families were friends since their fathers were old friends.

So, a little spoiler for the AU, Azar's "evil" aunt (she does have a name, will do a post/poll about that later maybe with a few options)  was the one who killed Azar's mom. That's why Azar lives in Maar right now as her dads sister and Vahriz thought that she was safer there than in Pars. But that was proven false when the "evil" aunt ambushed Rus and gave Azar her first scar on her back (she tried to protect a few children in a church during the raid) when Azar was very young. After that the aunt attacked one more time and scared Azar's uncle (the farmer).

So  Vahriz brought her to the capital of Maar, Visgard, to receive proper training and that's when Azar became a squire. Vahriz felt guilty that he failed to protect her so he was very strict with Azar's training. He was so strict in fact that he exhausted her and brought her to her absolute limits. Others thought that Vahriz was maybe even too extreme. It was a very rough and hard time for Azar but for Vahriz, it seemed necessary. So she can protect herself with utmost certainty because he knows he won't always be there and he does still have a nephew he also has to look after. He basically drilled her and that's why she rose through the ranks so fast.

In the end it was Vahriz paranoia and guilt that drove her up the ranks so fast. A lot of people lost their lives the day Azar's mom died and Vahriz swore to protect and take care of Azar. But he failed in his eyes - twice. So he taught her everything he knew, drilled it into her, so she had a chance of survival when she came face to face with her aunt.

And due that and her vast skill set she proved herself to be a capable knight and leader. So she got appointed Almennt (I won't change the name for this one as in georgian it would be called generali and that does not sound serious at all (I do not say that as to mock the language, mind you. It just doesn't fit Azar at all)). I will probably change her age at the time to 23. Seems more fitting

And since we are at the topic of age and you asked how old Azar is in Pars era 320 (for those who don't know - that is our current time in ArSen) - she is the same age as Narsus, 26. She would probably be a few months older than him. So it has been three-ish years since her appointment.

(I hope I have answered everything you wanted to know!)

If anybody has other questions that you want to be answered regarding Azar/Firelight AU or any other OC I had mentioned or shown - my inbox is always open! I will write if it is something I won't answer if I regard my answer too spoiler heavy.

Edit: forgot the discrimination part. I have not really thought about that yet but considering where Maar's citizens originally came from it would be highly hypocritical. But there were (and still are (this time out of jealousy)) probably some squires and knights who were discriminating against or at least hated her due to King Farzin showing interest in her and sometimes training her personally alongside Vahriz. She probably got more discrimination against her with being a woman in one of the highest ranks in Maar since all of her predecessors were men.

[pynkhues]

So I know people tend to have lots and lots of opinion about dog pound but more often then not, I’ve seen a tendency for folks to give Roman’s recollection of the game (that dog pound was bulling/abusive/messed up in some way shape or form) the most weight…and this candidly baffles me for a bunch of reasons. I know the actor's opinions don't need to be given weight, but I see tons of weight given to actor interviews for Succession in other contexts and both Jeremy and Kieran (per an interview with Kieran around S3) signed on to the read that dog pound wasn’t traumatizing but was instead a rewritten memory because Roman generally felt like a victim and I tend to agree with that read. It also kind of fits in more with the dynamic we generally see Kendall and Roman have throughout the show and especially in Seasons 1-3. Add to this that Roman was around 4 when this took place if we're taking his word for it (making Kendall under 10 and Connor early 20’s-ish?) and again I’m wondering why his memory is given so much more weight than Connors.  Do you have any view or thoughts as to why Roman is treated as the more reliable narrator when it comes to dog pound and more broadly how do you tend to think about the siblings various contradictory childhood memories?  

It's an interesting one, isn't it?

I agree with you (and the actors, haha), that I think the dog pound wasn't traumatising or that it even really meant anything at the time they were playing it. It's just a children's game that took on a different meaning in their adulthood as Roman and Kendall's particular dynamic crystalised. I talked about it a little bit in this post about games on the show if you're interested in reading more about that in particular!

I do think the context of Roman bringing up the dog pound game when he did is also important and not talked about as much as it should be. After all, Kendall's kind of seen to have the more defined arc over these episodes between the failed coup, his relapse, then the upswing of him getting in bed with the enemy (Sandy and Stewy).

Roman though has a really complicated arc too - it's his inability to stand with Kendall which makes the coup fail, and his elevation as prized son in Austerlitz is undermined by what I tend to interpret as a mix of guilt and shame first over letting Kendall down and then over his relapse, which bleeds into a degree of protectiveness which we don't usually see from him, both in that episode and in the next (it's an underrated moment, but Roman offering to make everyone stop doing drugs at the party before they go in in 1.08 is very special to me).

But there's a shift then in 1.08 which is triggered by Stewy pretty blatantly cutting him out of something and folding Kendall back in. It's this teetering new power dynamic where any guilt he felt is swallowed up by the realisation he doesn't want to lose this new station as the dog at their father's side, and I think he uses this distorted memory from childhood to justify his anger and try to reinforce this position. Kendall thought Roman was the weak dog once, but he's not, Kendall is. Kendall's the one out, Kendall's the weird one, Kendall is, as Shiv aptly put it in 1.01, not emotionally strong and has addiction issues.

(Interestingly too, while it's not in the episode, in the 1.08 script it shows that Roman's there when Kendall realises their dad's sent Greg to keep an eye on him, and I think there's this interesting emphasis there in Roman realising Kendall needs a babysitter twice - himself in the last ep and Greg in this one - which for him reinforces Kendall as the 'weak' one.)

He weaponises a long past memory that he treats as an immovable truth to not just play victim, but I think as a yardstick to show how far he's come, and how far Kendall's fallen.

As for why Roman's treated as the more reliable narrator, I think there are a few reasons for it. In particular, I do think Kendall is the Known Liar of the show, haha. All the kids lie to varying degrees of course, but Kendall really lies in a way that I tend to think can feel more insidious, particularly as he lies in such a wildly broad spectrum - sometimes it's aching self-flagellation, sometimes it's mortifying self-aggrandisement, sometimes it's just straight up pathetic, and sometimes it's just the awkward vulnerability of trying to save face (particularly when he's relapsing).

We don't see Roman explicitly lie all that much on the show, at least not in the way many of the other characters do. In some ways he's actually the opposite to Kendall because Kendall tends to use lies as a means of defense or a way to hide while Roman absolutely and often weaponises a truth. Orrr at least I'd say that's what he would like to think of himself? I actually think Roman lies all the time, it's just less through actual lying like Kendall does, and more through undermining the truth or playing around in the grey of it. He likes to lean on a question and see what it does to the truth, like he knows that it's malleable and wants to see the shape it could take, and that's overall something I find super interesting about his character, and I think feeds into a distortion of truth / memory.

But back to your question about why people see Roman as the more reliable narrator of their shared past, yes, I think it's viewed through the prism of Kendall being the one more likely to lie, but I also think it's due to Roman's abuse being easier to understand and more textual than Kendall and Shiv's. We see him get hit, both Shiv and Kendall talk about Roman being hit, Roman jokes about it and diminishes it, and even in 3.09 blames Kendall and Shiv for it (I actually think there's such an interesting parallel there to Roman being abandoned with the waterpistols and the story of Shiv being abandoned with the chocolate milk in the car, but that's a whole other story, haha).

We get childhood stories from Roman more than any of his siblings, so he feels like the one who thinks about it the most. Is that true? I don't know, but I get why that would make people put more stock in his role as the narrator of it.

As for the contradictory childhood memories, I do think the show is interested in the subjectiveness of memory overall, and the way people influence the past and make history malleable, and I think that exploring that through the very specific context of a family like the Roy's, who have a loose relationship with the truth at the best of times, is a pretty remarkable way to do it.

[secret-task-tracker]

Session 8

!!Spoilers Below!!

Depending on how the next episode will go this might be our last post. o7

Will update once Etho uploads his video (get well soon Etho!)

Grian:

"A fallen player is your ghostly angel, they will secretly guide you through this episode, you must do what they say. You fail if anyone asks you if you are talking to someone else. They will contact you using ethereal means to set up a means of conversation."

Status: Achieved

Scott:

"You are a bad spy. You must listen in on red players' plans, but convey bad intel to your fellow yellow players. You must give at least 3 significant false intel such as incorrect targets or intentions. At least one of the bad intel must be acted upon by another player"

Status: Failed (voluntarily)

Etho:

unknown just yet but we do know its been

Status: Re-rolled

Pearl:

"During this session you must leave conversations in a creative way. You pass when you have successfully left 8 different conversations or encounters in a different manner, You can leave conversations as normal, but it will not count towards your final goal"

Status: Failed

Scar:

"You must sabotage at least 3 red players bases without being seen. You can hide their stuff, destroy farms or burn things. If you are caught, you fail."

Status: Achieved (nearly clicked the re-roll button again though)

Impulse:

"During this session you must enter conversations in a creative way. You pass when you have successfully entered 8 different conversations or encounters in a different manner, You can enter conversations as normal, but it will not count towards your final goal"

Status: Failed

Cleo:

"@/supergratmonkey You are a secret santa. You have to randomise who is naughty and nice on the server. You must give a gift to all nice players and pull a trick, damage or steal from naughty players. You can not do the same gift/trick twice in the session."

Status: Failed

Red Tasks:

Joel:

"Fire arrows from an unenchanted bow continuously at GoodTimeWIthScar until they deflect with a shield. If they die, you also succeed"

Status: Achieved

"Build an explosive under a high traffic area. Detonate it from afar when a conversation is happening, If you deal any damage, you succeed"

Status: Achieved

"Build a TNT cannon and successfully hit a base from at least 50 blocks."

Status: Achieved

"You must damage a yellow or green player by firing a bow straight up into the air. The angle can not be below roughly 70 degrees."

Status: Achieved

"Tame at least 5 wolves and use them to deal damage to a non-red."

Status: Achieved

Status: Failed (ran out of yellow names but I don't think he pressed the fail button so technically not a full fail)

BigB:

"Summon a mob using an egg to deal any damage to any green."

Status: Achieved

"Strike a deal with a non-red to cause at least 3 hearts of damage to another non-red. You succeed when they have dealt the damage."

Status: Achieved

"Go invisible and hit at least 5 different people with a sword within 1 minute without being hit back."

Status: Failed (ran out of players to attack)

"Cause a player to take suffocation damage of any kind."

Status: end of session'd

Bdubs:

"Kill a green name with a trap of any kind."

Status: end of session'd (he took a really long time and ran out of people to kill)

Martyn:

"Find a non red name with at least 20 hearts. Take approximately 10 of them in any way you see fit. If there are none, damage any player for at least 5 hearts"

Status: Achieved

"Go invisible and punch a green life off a cliff. They must take at least 3 hearts of damage."

Status: end of session'd (and ran out of potential targets)

Scar:

"Dig many 1x1 holes at least 15 blocks deep in high traffic areas until someone falls in one. Hide them with tall grass."

Status: end of session'd

Tango:

"Enderpearl into a conversation, deal as much damage as you can to as many players, if you are hit or they all run away enderpearl away"

Status: end of session'd

Cleo:

We didn't get to see but it was

Status: end of session'd

Skizz:

"Kill a green name by any means. They can fight back once you have initiated combat."

Status: Achieved

Then he never showed his second task ever and I just assume he got

Status: end of session'd

Gem:

"Eliminate at least 3 non-red horses or all of a player's wolves."

Status: Achieved

"Mine a big hole underground then spleef a player into taking damage into it."

Status: Achieved

"Add berry bushes anywhere and everywhere. Caused someone to get pricked by one. You can punch people into the bushes if you need to."

Status: Achieved

"Cause a player to take fall damage of over 1 heart."

Status: Achieved

"Hit a green name with a sword until they block you with a shield. If you kill them you also succeed."

Status: Achieved

"Build a base at close to build height to ''hide your valuables''. Wait for a non-red to investigate and push them off."

Status: end of session'd

In loving memory of:

Lizzie, Timmy, and Mumbo

Oh my god this took so long lmao. Anyways if I made any mistakes tell me please k thanks byeeeeee.

[oodaon]

hi all! cherry (she/her, 25)🍒 here to present the resident of 2a, nam daon! overall he's a neat/calm guy who really needs to stand up for himself but more under the cut. i don't mind either discord or ims for plotting, let me know what works best for you!

an #oopsie baby to parents in their early 40s. food is present on the table, he's wearing his sister's hand-me-downs until he's like nine. all in all, an ordinary family. a little bit of 'as long as we love each other we will make it' mentality.

family death tw within bullet point. old age takes a toll and daon's father passes after battling an illness. two long weeks later, his mother passes too, struck by severe grief over her late husband. given that he's sixteen, his sister dami becomes his guardian and he moves in with her, into an one bedroom apartment that's closer to her university.

for the most part, he's a quiet kid who tries avoiding situations that would trouble his sister. despite his (young) age he realizes that she's not his mom, she has her own life and that he doesn't want to be an additional burden to her; expenses are little, and daon spends most of his time either studying, reading or being on the 'puter. the type who'd lay on his futon and watch documentaries about a subject they're covering at school at the time... #nerd

university rolls around and unlike his sister who's a law girlie, he decides to go down the path of krn lang and literature! but his grades kinda suffer bc he also starts the employment era so the academically gifted teen turns into a mediocre man! skips out on classes a lot and fails to ✨network✨ though he graduates on time

for what.. employment era 2.0 but with a degree except it's the wrong degree in most people's opinions. works in some firm as proofreader . they move to a two bedroom apt and things are looking a little better!!! woah

but then his sister is like well my dearest bro... my boyf finally proposed and we got a bread in the oven... sry daon :/ and like the good brother he is, he again chooses to not be a burden n moves out. and he always has to get slapped twice so! he's also laid off. AI took his job </3

repeatedly down-scaling places he lives at until he's channeling yoon jongwoo and looking at a cheap goshiown, two steps away from a mental breakdown.

rental agency he's looking through, however, tells him they have an opening at the loop. the studio is rather nice for the money asked and he doesn't risk it, immediately signing the lease without a second thought. i imagine he tried to reach out for the person again but the agency was like what are u talking about. mysterious type of beat where he's confused but chooses not to question i, they will appear again sooner or later?? except they don!t

currently! been at the loop for a year. works as a teacher at a "nearby" hagwon (the teens present are just above middle class but not enough that they're rich; still, it doesn't stop them from channeling the same mean energy. and the pay is. well. not enough to warrant their meanness. yes he's getting mildly bullied by 17 year olds), probably on the 'puter as well trying to find some fiverr-type gigs for extra cash. jumpscared by reoccurring dreams from ten years ago, but also from his 'you're fired!' moments. blames it on working too much. thinks he should get a therapist or smth if only it wasn't so expensive. tripping out and popping paracetamols daily. he has absolutely nooo idea what's cooking up for him!!!

personality wise he's. well. timid. not soft spoken per se but you can tell there was never an angry man in the house with him. tries to avoid any kind of altercation, even when he knows he's in the right, because he doesn't want to deal with the consequences; physical, mental or financial. time is money type of mentality, hates sudden and out-of-nowhere plans because of budgeting; however, if you need a quick loan for something he will try and see what he can borrow. overall reliable and kind, mostly influenced by his sister raising him basically? unfortunately gets jealous of others easily, be it over their relationships or material possessions. internalizes literally everything possible and impossible. cancer sun cancer moon so. good luck

other tidbits is that his unit is literally constantly a mess from paperwork and other teaching material he prepares... please don't enter x needs glasses 24/7 because if you stand like ten meters away from him you're a blurry blob and he's squinting. v neat handwriting. can tie a cherry with his mouth. enjoys that indie type of movies that are like two hours and nothing happens but it's ✨aesthetic✨. will borrow you flour/eggs/milk if you knock and ask, even if it's like 3am. always says (an awkward) hi in the hallways even if there's no response. his everyday wear consists literally of just sweatpants and sweatshirts/oversized tees; if u look at him ud never guess he's a TEACHER... has multiple notebooks filled with poetry hidden somewhere around his unit back from hs/uni + bare bones book concepts he writes down and then grows to either hate or doesn't have the time to even give it a second glance :+) his creativity juice pitcher is empty and has been for yearss

plots wise i prefer to brainstorm or fill up your wanted connections bc i can fit him into pretty much anything so i don't have much to offer here </3

[fantasyfantasygames]

Narcissist

Narcissist, Aetherco, 2004?

One of my favorite brain-bending games is Continuum (sometimes written C°ntinuum, but the degree sign is not great for accessibility). It's a game of "authentic" time travel where the past cannot be changed, but that doesn't excuse you from going back and doing what needs to be done, because you've already done it, so go do it. It's heavy on terminology, demands a fair amount of records-keeping, and is absolutely fascinating.

Continuum was intended to be the first of three games, with the other two being Narcissist and Dreamer. Dreamer hasn't come out yet. Narcissists are the bad guys of the first game (good guys in their own minds, of course) who skip across dimensions in addition to going through time. I have a 0.7 pre-release from a convention many years ago, and things have changed quite a bit since that draft.

While Continuum is all about protecting the "one true timeline" from damage, Narcissists have noped out of a world that was never kind to them in the first place. They don't believe the Inheritors' obviously self-motivated claims about the sanctity of the timeline. They generate paradoxes to squeeze themselves out of our world like a pumpkin seed and crash into another.

The system in Narcissist is mostly similar to Continuum, but cleans up some of the early-game issues so the whiff factor isn't as high. The late game still goes up into the elder-god levels of psychic and physical power, dovetailing into the Antedesertium supplement (which I'll cover in another review). The tweaks to the system definitely help it scale better at both ends. The art is ok but kind of surreal in an unhelpful way.

The setting for Narc (what an ironic nickname for the game...) starts off in our world, which they call Swarm Prime. As a starting character ("Drifter") you're mostly focused on fixing what went wrong in your life, but the world you end up in is never exactly what you wanted. In the midgame you leave Swarm Prime behind and join the greater society of Drifters, seeking meaning through belonging even if you can't admit it. Some people help other Drifters break free of Swarm Prime or nearby worlds; others twist timelines to find weapons to use against the Continuum or seek to understand the strange, ghostly time loops left behind by failed Drifters. The endgame pits you against the Inheritors, time-traveling transhumans who are the endpoint of the Swarm Prime timeline. Your eventual goal is to fracture that world into an infinite array of solipsistic worlds where everyone gets their own heaven exactly the way they want it. What that means for everyone in those timelines who isn't that particular Narcissist is hinted at darkly in several places.

Narc's paperwork is not in time-and-place tracking, but world-tracking. Every time you spawn a parallel world it starts drifting away from Swarm Prime. The farther it drifts, the safer it is from Continuum influence, but the faster time moves there. You can use up years of your life in very distant worlds and come back to find that almost no time has passed. Every change you make has knock-on effects for every world you've already visited. Every change may spawn another Narcissist who's out to get you for ruining their life.

One terrifying truth about Narcissist is that you never actually visit the same world twice unless it's Swarm Prime. That's the only one where the timeline is sufficiently protected. You never meet the same person twice unless you're there. Every world-hop generates a paradox that forks a timeline. Your Drifter allies are just echoes who look and talk like them. The enemies following you are just shadows of the ones you made. They only find you because there are an almost uncountable multitude of them. Where Continuum requires... well, a continuity of the events in the world, Narc explicitly denies one. The GM has an obligation to drift NPCs personalities as you meet different versions of them across time and dimension.

There's a lot more to it; these are deep games with a lot going on. You can probably tell that I'm a fan. I love time travel and dimension travel in general, and a lot of games use them purely for changes of scenery. Time and Temp is one of the few other games that really does time travel well. Narcissist sets a standard for a completely different kind of dimension-hopping game, and I hope it doesn't go overlooked.

Narcissist is a little harder to find than Continuum, not that getting a physical copy of Continuum is that easy. In fact, the physical copies of Narcissist and Antedesertium that showed up on my doorstep are the only final versions I've ever seen. I'd gladly pick up another if anyone has a source.

[loser-female]

Nothing, just every time I sit around to think about ADHD I inevitably see all the abuse I've been through in front of my eyes again.

Now I just want to go cry in a corner.

The truth is that... I don't have any superpowers. I'm a 2x dropout. I cannot remember years of my life and the memories i have are extremely fragmented and difficult to put together. If I didn't have ADHD I wouldn't have been abused causing trauma that will never go away. I barely graduated high school - it took me 7 years instead of 5, I was too depressed to get out of bed at a certain point -and for some reason I thought I could do physics. And I can understand very difficult concepts, they don't fly over my head. But my country universities are completely unstructured. I got told "do these things in a three months time", so I couldn't keep up (and I also had chronic pain). I just cannot. I need a degree to keep going with my career but at this point I 100% believe it's over my possibilities, so I don't think I will ever reach the role of a SOC manager or a CISO.

I struggle daily to daily because all my energy goes to my job and when I'm done I'm exhausted. I have to make my boyfriend that does a physical heavy job (he is a factory worker) do 70% of the stuff because I just cannot. I do want to, but everything goes out of the window because I spent my whole day trying to focus. And he needs to double check because I forget. I forget to do laundry, I forget to take out the laundry and it then smells bad and I need to rewash it, then I forget it again. I don't miss my cats stuff because they are annoying.

While I'm actively monitoring I sometimes forget what I'm doing. And with sometimes I mean twice a day. Then I remembered and I have 10 alerts to analyse and then I get distracted again. It doesn't compromise the quality of my analysis for a miracle. Because I triple check everything, but I'm slower than my coworkers.

I called a customer yesterday because I contained his asset from the network (which is a very invasive operation) and I couldn't remember for the sake of my life if he disabled the email only or the whole o365 account. I still don't know. And it's a problem because I need to report to my coworkers and I will definitely look like an idiot if I gave them the wrong information. (They know about my ADHD and are very understanding)

I say"I need to reply to that email" and it's four months and now it's unacceptable to do this.

I recently failed a job interview because I forgot crucial information at the wrong time. I rely a lot on my notes and mindmaps which are great if you do intelligence analysis, but not that great when people expect you to remember everything.

I forgot to pay my water bill for 6 months because it got lost. I misplaced it, everyone thought it was being paid and it wasn't. (Idk how I didn't get my water shut off. Learned my lesson and now it get out directly from my bank account).

I forget to call my family for weeks because to me time makes no sense. Which is the reason why I struggle so much with my very necessary self study things. I need to get them done. I don't have the brain parts required to do that.

It's so awful, I get help but it cannot change the biology of my brain. I hope I will get some sort of "cure", although I rationally know it's impossible.

I'm scared to have kids because no way I'm condemning someone else to the amount of daily struggle I have. Especially my own child!

This is what living with ADHD actually looks like. Failing over and over again, and if you have good people around they will not mind that much, but I admit I wouldn't give me half of the slack my loved ones do to me. It's not the secret of any success, it doesn't make me "creative" or anything. In fact, I would have written how much stuff if I could finish what I start! How many things could I have done! I'd be a physics professor now. I'd have a PhD or something. I wouldn't have lost a decade of my life (1/3 of my life) to depression and anxiety.

Not that I have a bad job, I love my job, I earn more than I would have if I actually stayed in physics. even if things turned good for me that doesn't mean I don't miss what I could have been.

[skaruresonic]

Can you explain why you feel Blaze is overrated? (Just curious)

Part of it is personal bias. I feel Shade works better for this particular character archetype of "serious, reticent female character who learns to open up to people" because it makes more thematic sense given the context, considering she's a soldier who was abandoned by her traitorous lord to the mercy of her enemies. For her, opening up is a matter of survival. She has no choice but to work together with Sonic, which is especially poignant considering Sonic can refuse. For Blaze, the personal stakes of failing to overcome her foibles should arguably be just as high, since the two dimensions will be destroyed if they merge, but it doesn't... really feel like it, the way it was written. Blaze is a princess and the guardian of the Sol Emeralds. We get a lot on the latter, but nearly nothing on the former. How does being a princess shape her behavior? Does she not relate to common people? Did her parents - does she have parents? - keep her so mired in matters of state that she never grew up learning how to make friends? Why is she this awkward? The guardian thing can only go so far as an explanation imo.

In addition, there are various aspects of Blaze's character which feel informed at best, or not fully realized. I've described her as a grab-bag of traits before because it really does feel like there's not a whole lot of overarching cohesion to her character. She tends to be whatever the plot needs her to be, and this is reflected most saliently in the differences between her role in '06 and the Rush games. In the Rush games, she has a pretty active role, but she may as well be a backpack Silver lugs around for much of '06. Her fear of heights is an incidental quirk mentioned maybe once or twice in Rush. It doesn't impact her gameplay in the slightest, as she pulls off aerial maneuvers with the same degree of aplomb as Sonic. Perhaps I'd buy her phobia more if the gameplay reflected it, like if her mode was Hard Mode and it was more difficult to fill her Trick Gauge or something along those lines. As it stands, it's more or less an informed trait. Her poor cooking skills and her physical insecurities regarding her small ta-tas, while amusing, don't really tell me much about her character other than she's clumsy, which isn't exactly an uncommon trait. But then you get to thinking about it, and you start to wonder, what's the context behind this? Amy doesn't just read tarot cards simply because it's a Girl Thing in Japan; she uses them to tell her where Sonic will be. Conversely, why is Blaze insecure about the size of her breasts? Is she insecure that she won't grow up into a mature queen or something? And why is that fear manifested via an insecurity about her breasts of all things? Likewise, why is her being a bad cook a common anime comedy trope all that important when she's a princess and can just have her staff cook for her? She does have staff, right? So why does it matter? It's just there to make her seem adorkable and not really anything that reveals a new aspect to her character.

In Rush Adventure, she's suddenly able to tell Tails in detail which materials he needs to build a radio tower, despite not having displayed any particular aptitude for mechanics before. And Tails is wowed by this. The abruptness of such a trait makes me feel less impressed and more like, "Ehhhh, you're kinda being Mary-Suish right now, Blaze."

By contrast, even though the game more or less turns her into an exposition fairy, it makes sense that Shade can tell you about the various races of the Twilight Cage since she's languished there for 4,000 years. It makes sense that she's familiar with the technology of her own people. We have the proper context necessary to understand her knowledge and where it comes from. But it wouldn't make as much sense if she suddenly began telling Tails how to build his machines. You know what I mean? Until Trip and Amy in Superstars, Blaze held the distinction of being the only female games character to receive a Super form for quite some time. While it's cool to see the notion of "only male hedgehogs can go Super" be proven false, it also kind of makes her seem special-snowflake-y in that regard. It gives people like Flynn grounds to single her out as the only "legitimate" female badass in the cast since she has Big Boy Powers (a... chain of thought loaded with unfortunate implications), as if badass normals like Cream and Rouge are rendered invalid by comparison.

[feline-evil]

Its da freaking new year baby

I mean it turned new year like 13 hours and thirty minutes ago for me i was just busy and didn't post here at the time. Anyways.

2023 has been A Lot for me! On one hand my wrist issues finally fully caught up to me and it's one of the first years i've not been able to draw as much during which has been. Very hard. It's been a year of health issues and my body kinda failing me in a lotta regards so it's not been great on that front. But it's also the first year i got to meet my boyfriend in person, twice!!! And realise how much more beautiful and kind and loving life can be, and how much i wanna survive onwards and upwards and do wicked gay shit with that man in future years, it's the year that being so loved has given me the courage to make BIG FUCKING RISKS and plan for BIG FUCKING CHALLENGES in upcoming years, and thats awesome. I couldn't be the man i have been this year without him, i really couldn't. I'm so grateful to finally have a partner and friends and love and gentleness, it is something that was so sorely missing in my life and it is something that's keeping me going even in the darker months.

It's also the year i took risks in other stuff too, which i never could've done without my bf's support, and now i've been able to work on so many things for The Hotel Podcast and thats fucking AWESOME?? I GET TO MAKE STUFF FOR THE SHOW I LOVE?? I did the artbook and we got to do the second calendar which ruuuuled, i made a postcard, i've done some other stuff ;), i made a 3d background and learnt some video editing for it; i've accomplished so much even against my body and wrist failing and i feel so so proud of that, and no matter how things go i wanna keep trying to do more. I feel like i'm finally showing what i can do. I hope people can see how much effort and will goes into what i do, i hope it pays off and that you enjoy it!

I wish i could say i left this year on a high note due to all that good that's happened to me and i mostly am absolutely. But in all honesty i also went to sleep last night filled with a palpable dread, this past week i realised someone close to me has, without getting into it to a degree i'm not willing to share online, gone down a pipeline to become a person i'm not comfortable with while i've been busy elsewhere. I went to bed knowing that either 2024 would have to be a year of potentially risky confrontation, of running, or of begrudgingly resigning myself to making sure i isolate anyone i care about away from. This. So thats a shadow hanging over me at the moment, and is one that has soured my week a little. I don't know what 2024 holds in regards to sorting this, it's a little scary.

I am going to be 27 this year, in February! And as i get closer and closer to thirty i realise that (while time isn't running out for me, for any of us) i really would like to move on into thriving rather than just surviving the years, and that part of that thriving needs to be transitioning and becoming independent from my parents. Of course the former is complicated due to the fact i am not able to be out to everyone in my life and even just starting the path to transitioning would out me and potentially destroy a part of my life that has been there for 26 years. There's also of course the fact i live in the uk and transitioning here is going to be a ten year waiting list if i'm even lucky and they deem me trans enough to transition l o l. So as you can imagine, thats complex and hard to figure out! On one hand i should start the process asap BECAUSE its such a long process here, but on the other hand i don't know how to handle my own safety and comfort in regards to being out to those i currently am not, and i'm not sure how my mental (and honestly physical) health would handle the fallout. The latter is complicated of course due to being broke, uneducated, physically and mentally unwell and a myriad of other factors; we don't live in a world where you can afford a home or to feed yourself anymore! So! Yknow!! Unlikely i'll be moving out anytime soon!

What i am doing at least is trying to thrive where i can, like dandelions growing in cracks the pavement may be unyielding to me at this moment but i can find the soft dirt inbetween; transitioning and independence may not be possible right now but i can continue to do my work and try to succeed there, i can make my room better for me (which i have done with finally getting a new bed after the one i had since i was a child grew no good), i can spend more time doing what i love out the house (visiting places, seeing my boyfriend, ect ect), and i can take what i can when i can. Maybe i'll try to learn to drive this year! I'm not sure i trust myself on the roads, but maybe i can learn to. And all of this is progress towards those final goals, even if i can't so much as step on the first rungs of the ladder towards them yet. I also take solace in knowing that for every dark cloud over me that makes my life feel so uncertain and hard to make it through there is incredible sunshine too; that even if the year is hard and cruel as they so often are i will still be loved i will still have friends and i will still get to smile. And that even if i can't accomplish big goals, a lot of small goals accomplished over many many bad years will build up, and one day i'll be free. And that's something.

My first hope for 2024 is THAT MY HEALTH GIVES ME A BREAK, NO MORE HEALTH SCARES PLEASE, and that perhaps i'll be able to even get some answer's and help for my physical health. My second is that my courage pays off and i succeed at flying alone for the first time to the states to be with my love! My third is that the year is kinder, and that i can make more art, maybe even regain some of the independence i had when my wrist was ok enough to let me do art as a job. My fourth is that i laugh a lot, and smile and have joyous moments with loved ones and indulge in what i love with unabashed and unashamed joy! And my fifth is that i get to do good for others, because even if i can't get out, even if i have to survive instead of thrive a little longer, i can at least try and help when i can.

Happy 2024, my chest hurts, my joints ache, but i'm still kicking and i will continue on forever. Bastards aren't getting free of me yet, i'm persistent. I haven't even ridden every rollercoaster in the UK yet.

[khodorkovskaya]

What's up with uni????? What did those fucķers do????? Dont let them get you down boo you're worth far more

girlllll

okay now that the story's over i can talk about what happed. the stress i was under oh my god... i thought it was all over....

so basically the way it works in my uni is that you have 2 tries to pass an exam. if you don't pass the first time, you retake in august. passing grade is 4/6 and you need a 4 in every subject to pass the year. and if you take the exam twice and still get less than 4, you're kicked out.

so i was in my final year of mathematics and i had 2 exams to retake in august. probability and functional analysis. both of which were super hard, i studied my ass off lemme tell you.

and it was very stressful because again, if you don't pass on the 2nd try you get kicked out. and in my case that meant 4 years down the drain.

so i passed probability. and the functional analysis grade took a very long time for some reason. side note: we don't get notified when we get our grades. you have to go on the student portal and refresh the page everyday basically. they update the portal like twice a week i think and every time it's updated there's a countdown. so sometimes you go on the portal and it says "your results will be available at 16:34" for example. so you have to wait. and when it's updated it doesn't mean that there are new results. it's just an update and maybe you haven't received anything.

so after the functional analysis exam i like refresh the student portal every day. and every time it's nothing. a week goes by, two weeks go by. im like wtf where's my grade. we were only 4 people to retake it so what was taking them that long ?????

friday comes around and im like okay, they're gonna publish the results today, right ??? because monday it's the start of the school year. so we're gonna get results before the new year starts, right...? right.. ??????

so i refresh the portal and there's nothing and at like 8pm there's a message like "your results will be available at 20:45". so im like shit here we go. my heart starts pounding, im like this is it. it's the only exam i have left to complete my bachelors. 20:45 comes, i refresh the page and still! no results!

so im like fuck looks like im gonna receive my grade the day school starts basically. and idk what to do. because like... do i start my master's? do i not? what's going on? where do i go?

so i go to like the first class of my master's program, i go on my phone every five minutes to see if the portal has been updated. and still nothing!

at 4pm i finally see that there's a countdown. so like my whole body's shaking. im like this is it.

i open and....... 3.5 !!!!!!!!!!!!

and im like fuck. what do i do.

it was my 2nd try and i failed. that's it. four years of my life down the drain. so that means that im gonna have to restart a bachelor's degree again. or just abandon higher education all together. for one fucking subject. and half a point.

so im like devastated.

i go to the student counselor and cry like my life is over. and he tries to console me and tells me that when i get the elimination letter, i can try to ask them to take me back. because come on, like this is ridiculous. i have 174 credits out of 180. and a 3.5 is almost a pass. so the counselor told me that i should write a letter to the dean and like maybe even get a doctor's note from my therapist or something. literally anything that could help my case.

and then! he mentioned that i can consult the exam! because who knows, maybe the TA missed something during the correction. and for half a point there's a possibility, right?

so i go see the TA. and uhhh.... yeah. that was the case. he couldn't read my handwriting and missed a bunch of points. so in the end, yeah, he corrected his correction and i got a 4.

all this stress!!!!!!!!! like guys. im ajkdsahioe likeeee brooo .,,,,,,,..,,...