#and extra toilet paper

[lanlambsworld]

Yall DO NOT drink dr pepper float.

I am currently shitting bricks 2 minutes after i drank half .

[softpine]

i like how we all collectively agreed that covid does not exist in any of our sims stories

[hood-ex]

My dad was Bruce-ing again today.

Dad: Where are your keys? I'm gonna go put more air in your tire.

Me: I already filled it up this week.

Dad: Oh okay.

Dad goes upstairs for a second and comes back with a bag in his hand.

Dad: Here, take this poncho and put it in your glove compartment. In case you have to pull over in the rain, put it on so other cars can see you.

So then I took my new bright ass orange poncho to my car, bypassing the three water bottles my dad had stuffed in the door pocket as well as the emergency phone battery pack charger he stuffed in another pocket.

[jmdbjk]

I’M WEAK!

Ugh...I’m useless...I just impulse pre-ordered all six versions of Jimin’s W Korea mag. If this is how it’s gonna go then I need to start buying cheaper ramen because I’m gonna be broke during this Jimin era. I won’t be able to read the articles... however ... I can use them to further my language learning, yes, that’s what I’ll do ... I will use them for practicing reading Korean ... the justification for spending money ...lord help me. I AM WEAK WHEN IT COMES TO JIMIN! FYI I ordered them from https://daebak.co/

Drinking with Yoongi... episode 2, we have a “permanent” set, a premise for the show, a nice lit neon logo sign... almost like a real Youtube channel... and/or replica of a real bar/eatery... ahem... hangover soup anyone?

I think when Yoongi says that he had wondered what he’d do when it’s the end (of his career) I attribute this question ever existing in his mind because he came up in the idol industry where there seems to be a finite “end” to an idol’s career trajectory, like, its assumed there will be an end. The time is said to be about 7 years. Obviously, at some point Yoongi finally realized there does not need to be an end, that his choice is open ended, or never ending in that he can continue to make music for as long as he wants.

In addition, this talk he had with Mr. Dong Yeop hopefully opened more things up in Yoongi’s mind enabling him to see things from a different perspective, a more experienced perspective. I love that this was captioned as Yoongi having a mentoring session from someone who is highly successful with long-term experience in the entertainment industry.

And please answer me this, how is this the same person?

And hello? a BTS Cruise... in the future... spending several days traveling with your old geezer fans... YOONGI SAID THIS WOULD BE THE BEST CASE SCENARIO!! never in my life have I ever desired to go on a cruise but the minute these tickets become available its every Army for themselves because I will be out to kill to get those. HYBE MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! Sooner than later though!

I got excited over a Coway mattress promotion. What is wrong with me? At least they got the weight of Jibooty correct in this example...

[tardis--dreams]

There's silverfish in this apartment so the only chance for my body to get some rest would be collapsing from exhaustion otherwise i will not sleep for a While

[apelcini]

i love landlords because they will act like it’s your fault the toilet is so clogged that a plumber has to be called because you’ve been, uh.. flushing your toilet paper instead of throwing it in the bathroom trash can? this is not an exaggeration or a hypothetical but man i wish it was.

[bewilderedbuckley]

Someone tell me to get up and get toilet paper from the basement

[starofmhera]

I don't know who needs to see this but it's not shameful having to use piddle pads even as young as 20, and it's not shameful to need them. Just bc people made it about kink doesnt mean that I cannot use it for a proper tool. Normalize self care, reject shame. Don't ask your friends why, just ask how you can help them not feel shame.🌻💖

[kkelenca]

I have a box filled with packaged toothbrushes and mini travel/sample toothpastes for emergencies because:

1) friend in high school had a dental hygienist mom and gave me shitloads of samples once. The Guest Box™️ (technically it began as two boxes, because the toothpaste was an entire box of samples that my spouse worked through for years to help reduce how absurd it was.)

2) I use an electric toothbrush but am given a new one at every dentist visit. As is my spouse. And my child. (Who also has little battery-powered kids electrics they like). My hygienist knows this, but she is kind and wants us to always be prepared in case something breaks. And I think by now I’ve told her the tale of The Guest Box™️ but I’m old and don’t remember tbh.

3) I am also given new little minty toothpaste samples with every visit. I am too sensitive to the mint taste and anything that isn’t orange/lemon/strawberry.

4) Sometimes the dentist has awesome berry flavored floss samples, often they do not. Anything not berry or unflavored goes into The Guest Box™️

5) Once The Guest Box™️ became a thing, it was just natural to drop random travel or sample items into it whenever they came into my possession. Like a magpie. Or a very loving raccoon.

I cannot assume to speak for anyone else, but my personal brand of doing good chaotically includes this kind of preparedness so that I can be ready for any sort of Friend! Needs! Help! emergency 😅

And probably some of that magpie tendency thing.

What is it about fics then, where characters always, ALWAYS, have a spare toothbrush conveniently just hanging about in bathroom cupboards for that time someone is, usually unexpectedly, staying the night?

I have lived a few decades now, and I have never known anyone who keeps spare toothbrushes. Is it really common??

[rottingcompost]

im home from selling plants :)

[ghosteamanita]

today's testosterone shot bandaid is: magikarp

[littlefoxwithbighat]

.

[lonesuperhero]

Ngl, everyday closer to the end of the semester, I regret not taking up my former fiancé’s suggestion of just straight up killing my dormmate

Would’ve been a fun little bonding experience

I also wouldn’t have to deal with a mf that irritates me to no end with her existence

[forgottenthunder]

“We are all of us stardust”

What a difficult concept that is to grasp. This post itself is stardust, written by stardust, sitting on stardust. Astronomy, the study of stars could be considered a very confusing yet long awaited family reunion between us and our celestial cousins. Once you understand that then it’s not too hard to understand that perhaps we are “the universe experiencing itself”.

And truly what an experience it is.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Cat Food

I heard this from my genius nine-year-old grandson. No idea where he got it from, but I had never heard it before.

An old lady is shopping in a supermarket. She comes up to the cashier with six cans of cat food. "I'm sorry," says the cashier, "I can't sell you cat food unless you can prove to me that you own a cat."

"Why?" says the old lady.

"Our manager heard that old people are buying cat food and eating it themselves, and he finds that unacceptable."

"That's ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip?" says the old lady. But sha goes home and gets her cat, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the cat food.

A few days later she comes back to the store and comes up to the cashier with a big box of dog biscuits. 

"I'm sorry, I can't sell you those unless you prove to me that you have a dog."

"Ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip again?" But she goes home and gets her dog, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the dog biscuits.

A few days later the old lady comes back to the store carrying a small box, and approaches the same cashier.

"What's in the box?" the cashier asks.

"Stick your finger in this hole and find out."

"Oh no, you've got a snake or something that will bite me or scratch me in there!"

"No, there's nothing alive in it," says the old lady.

So the cashier sticks a finger in the hole, feels something soft, takes the finger out and says "Ew! That smells like poo!"

"It is poo!" says the old lady. "Now can I buy some toilet paper?"

[razrbladekiss]

MAPLE HAZEL | Joel Miller

SUMMARY: he’s grumpy, and you’ve got enough happiness for the pair of you. you visit joel’s little coffee shop every morning, and he can’t deny that he enjoys the monotony of life with you the other side of his counter.

PAIRING: pre-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

WORD COUNT: 1.8k

WARNINGS: inspired by lorelai gilmore and luke danes, so with that info do what you will. this is full on golden retriever x black cat realness. fluffy. banter-y. dialogue-y. joel is grumpy but he’s sexy so we don’t mind. enjoy, my besties. not sure if i’ll do a part two, but i’ll let you know in due time, of course.🍁🫶🏻

SERIES MASTERLIST

It’s like he’s moving from muscle memory. Putting down a cinnamon roll and maple hazel latte—with two extra shots of espresso—in front of the third purple stool at his counter, is almost ingrained into his brain. He wonders if one day you’ll ever take him by surprise and order pancakes, or a chai tea.

And you will. Just not today.

“Cinnamon roll, please!” You call from the door as you bumble over the threshold, fighting with the belt loop on your coat that’s gotten stuck on a brassy handle for the third time this morning.

“Already one step ahead of ‘ya.” Joel gestures to the breakfast spread at the wooden bar, and you smile.

Despite being a closed-off, stupid-person-hating, placid-at-times, grumpy old man, you can’t help admitting that you enjoy Joel’s company and general presence in your life.

His shop appeared on Birch Grove one sunny Saturday morning about three years ago, and you haven’t skipped a day since. Aside from Christmas Day, you have religiously sat at Joel’s counter and shared the trials and tribulations of life in Dallas as an overzealous twenty-something every single day.

He’s a great listener. Or, at least, you think that he is. He never interrupts you, or speaks over you. Joel always lends an ear to listen, even if he doesn’t always say all that much in response to whatever it is that you’re elucidating or complaining about.

“Thank you.” Breathlessly, you say. You take a seat and dump your purse onto the counter. “Got a busy day today. I’ve got a meeting, and I’m meeting Maria for lunch, and I’ve got a date—“

Joel’s face heats up. He turns to face you, striving to stay indifferent.

“A date?” Nonchalant, he asks. He slings a dish-cloth over his shoulder, and lifts a brow. “Does this man know that he’s going on a date with you?”

You make a face while stuffing a fork-full of pastry into your mouth. He’s so smug. With his stupid flannel and stupid little hat, you just want to rip the complacency from his lips. But he’s a good man. Just likes to try and take you down a few pegs.

But he can’t. Because you’re stubborn. And a little annoying.

“No, I just thought that I’d show up at his house in the middle of the night—because I’ve followed him home from work a few times and know where he lives—and rip him right out of his bed just like the troll that Danny Devito plays in Its Always Sunny.”

Joel let’s out a little laugh, not bothering to argue that what you had just told him didn’t actually happen in that episode, but finding it funny nonetheless.

He nods his head to you. “What’s his name?”

“Marcus.” Exaggerating your heart-eyed gaze, you tell him. “I met him at Costco—“

“Ah, Costco. Where every great love story starts. First you’re bulk-buying toilet paper, the next you’re sharing a dollar fifty hot dog—“

“Ha ha, Joel, you’re soooo funny.”

“I try.” He says, flippant, pouring coffee into another customer’s cup when they appear at the counter for a refill. He lifts the carafe and gestures to your almost-empty mug. “Want another?”

Your gaze is set on your wristwatch. It’s seven twenty-nine, and you need to be at work for nine thirty. Mentally you strive to figure out how much more time you can spend at the cafe, before you’re having to leave to get there on time.

“Is it maple hazel flavored?”

Joel tilts his head, glaring at you.

You swig the dregs of latte in your mug, and then push the polka-dot ceramic across to him. “Please.” You say, shyly.

Joel busies himself with customers, and general business-owner things for a few minutes while you finish your cinnamon roll and coffee. You can’t help watching him.

Because he’s great. He’s very caring—though extremely stern at times—and you know that if you’re having a bad day, Joel is only a two minute and thirteen second walk away.

He feels the same, too. Kind of. He knows that you’ll be sauntering into his shop at some point every day, and finds himself looking forward to seeing your wide-eyed gaze and larger-than-life smile.

And though he won’t admit it in so many words, Joel has a soft spot for you. It hasn’t always been apparent—he thought that you were utterly insufferable and obsessive when he first met you—but he can’t deny the fact that his life would be very dull without you.

Even if you do have a tendency to try to get underneath his skin.

“Are you dating, Joel?”

He rolls his eyes.

“What? It’s a very normal question to ask somebody that hasn’t been in a serious relationship for an entire twelve months.”

He pulls the cloth from his shoulder and wipes at his hands. “You and I both know that I ain’t got no interest in settlin’ down with anyone. Not yet, anyway.”

“You were willing to with Tess.” Pushing things a little, you say. You lift the coffee mug to your lips when Joel opens his mouth to chastise you, but he can’t.

He can’t because you’re right. He can’t because he wanted to, once upon a time. Before Tess walked out of his life—not long after you started frequenting his shop—he wanted it all. A wife, kids, the white picket fence that his parents had back in Austin when he was a kid.

But it doesn’t always work out that way, and Joel has learned to live with the idea that if it’s too good to be true, then it most likely is.

“I can set you up with someone—“

“Not happening.” He says. “Last time you sent me on a blind date, the girl asked me if I was into pegging.”

You giggle. “Well? Are you—“

Joel says your name, glaring pointedly.

“Sorry.” Instinctively, your lips are set into a straight line. “But I can totally do better, this time. I know this girl—she works at this law firm—and—“

“Not interested.”

“Okay.” You smile, tight-lipped. You lift your mug, striving for your third cup of coffee this morning.

Joel pours the liquid gold into the cup, before he’s telling you that he’s not going to be giving you another for fear of you ricocheting off of each wall in his place.

“You’ll turn into a cup ‘a coffee one day.”

Nodding—with a completely content smile—you say; “least I’ll be happy.”

“You’re always happy.” Joel mithers to himself, turning away. It’s one thing that he admires about you, though loathes at the same time.

Endless optimism and positivity is only something that he can long for, because he’s simply not capable of it. It baffles him how you are, especially when he’s—on occasion—so rude to you. So miserable, and cold, and completely undeserving of your friendship.

He likes that you’re so forgiving. That—even after he accidentally offended you last summer when making a comment about your then boyfriend—you can never hold a grudge, especially when it comes to him.

Because you both hold one another on a pedestal so high, neither can seem to do anything to tear themselves down. And Joel really enjoys your daily routine. That’s why he’s never not in the shop.

“You got any weekend plans?”

“Never do.”

You stretch out your arms—intertwining your fingers as you do to make them click—and offer a small smile when he cringes.

“You wanna catch a movie?” Shirking the idea that you have a date tonight—with a man who you really aren’t all that interested in, you’re just being nice—you propose.

Joel’s heart starts to beat at a tempo that’s noticeably quicker than usual. Not a lot, but it’s certainly faster.

“I think that the theatre downtown is showing the original Beetlejuice, on Saturday.”

He nods, approving. “I—uh—I’ll have to get someone to cover—“

“I’m sure you can ask your brother. Or maybe Maria?”

“I ‘spose.” Reluctant, he says. “But what about Michael? What if he wants a second date?”

“Well, his name is Marcus. And if he wants a second date—which I doubt he will—then he’ll just have to live with the fact that I have plans with a friend on Saturday night.”

He hopes that you can’t see him blush.

“Won’t it be weird?”

“Why?”

“We hardly speak outside of the shop.”

“God, Joel.” You throw your head back, laughing. “We’re the same people wherever we are. And we’re going to the movies—not a lot of talking takes place there, hon.”

His nostrils flare at your sarcasm, but mainly at the little pet name. Joel knows that you’re sweet—that you often use those terms of endearment when speaking with those that you care about—but it does something to him.

Something that he does not like.

“You can either come, or stay here and be miserable because you have no social life, or no girlfriend, or no other friends aside from me, your brother, and your brother’s wife—“

“Alright, fine.” Joel stops your miniature hate-train, and puts his hands against the counter. Your eyes zone in on the veins embellished within tan skin—how prominent they are when he’s fronting irritation—and let out a small sigh.

He’d be a lot more handsome if he smiled more, you think.

“So.” You paw at your purse, pulling it off the wood. “I’ll let you know what time the showing is, and we can make plans around that.”

Joel rounds the island and follows you as you pad toward the door, veritably sweating. “Plans?” He asks. “You never said nothin’ ‘bout plans. I thought we were just gonna catch a movie?”

“We are.” You tell him. “But we need to buy snacks, and grab dinner before we go—“

“Now you’re just describing a date.”

You shake your head. “No, I’m describing hanging out with a friend, Joel.”

“A friend?”

“An acquaintance…?” Testing the waters, you ask. Your eyes squint a bit, awaiting his retort.

But he just smiles.

“A friend.”

You smile back. Bigger.

“Perfect.” Your purse is slinging over your shoulder, and you pull your jacket to close so that the darned loops don’t get stuck on the door handle. Again. “I can’t wait.”

“It’ll be…nice.”

“Jeez, Joel. At least try to sound enthused.”

His hands shoot up in defense. “I am. Just have a hard time showin’ it.”

Your head nods. “I know. I’m only kidding. It’s nobody’s fault that you’re the human equivalent of Oscar The Grouch—“

“Alright, get out.” He holds open the door for you, smiling tight-lipped as he watches you leave. “Enjoy your meeting. And your lunch. And your date.”

You chuckle, thanking him with another bright smile.

“See you in the morning, Joel.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You step onto the sidewalk—that’s festooned with red and orange leaves as the tree above starts to shed its skin—turning to wave at him. “See ‘ya, kiddo.”