#and experiencing the worst food poisoning of my life

[elfgremlin]

born to be a grab and go quick meal girl, forced to be make from scratch girl because of food allergies

[builtbybrokenbells]

CAPITAL VICES | ENVY

Envy: the intense desire to have something that someone else possesses.

Masterlist

Listen while reading: Poison - Alice Cooper

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 15.5k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, semi-public sex, oral (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving), dom/sub, sir kink, praise, degradation, bratty sub, lots of dirty talk, name calling, overstimulation, forced orgasm if you squint, drinking, swearing, fighting, mentions of cheating, mentions of breakups/breakups, mentions of hookups, mentions of substance/addiction/withdrawal, mentions of divorce/bad past relationships, mentions of death/dying, mentions of loss of a parent/grief, guilt, regret, depression, general sadness, anxiety, jealousy/possessiveness, very brief mention of guns, sorry if i miss any!

😘 as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes!!

The haze of smoke in the room was becoming overwhelming, and even though it would normally be enticing, now it seemed nothing short of a nuisance. A basket of fries sat in front of you, ketchup lazily pooling next to the pile of fried food. Although originally put there for a dipping sauce, now it’s only purpose was to make the fries soggy and even more unappetizing. Your hunger seemed to have fled you, but in truth, never really existed in the first place. You only convinced yourself to order it as an attempt to resume some sort of normalcy to what life was like months ago. A triple whiskey sat in front of you, deliciously tempting, but the exact opposite of what you needed to feel better. Ray approached you, a knowing look in his eye and his usual, raggedy towel slung over his shoulder.

“Been a while, darlin’.��� He leaned on the countertop, looking down at your untouched order. “Missed ya.”

“Yeah, I guess it has.” You chuckled, swirling your ice around your glass. “How’ve you been?”

“Livin’.” He replied, taking a long look over your face. “And you?”

“Oh, you know.” You forced a smile onto your lips, beginning to realize that coming out was the worst thing you could have done. “Working, sleeping, and working some more. An exciting life I live.” You neglected to mention the days of wallowing that had come before your arrival at the bar and the horrific heartbreak you were experiencing. Now that you did not have Jake to occupy your time, you had decided to return to your weekly Friday night routine; drinking yourself into oblivion at the bar and falling asleep alone. What used to be so fantastic was now gut-wrenching, and the thought of returning to an empty bed was killing you.

It had been about a week since your blowout with Jake, and he did well to heed your wishes. Not once had he tried to reach out, and neither did you. As the days dragged on and no contact was had, you slowly started to understand that the relationship was over, and all you could do was mourn what was once so beautiful. Instead of trying to fix things, you thought it was easier to tend to your wounds in seclusion and move forward with your life instead. You hadn’t even so much as looked at a picture of him or spoken his name, and you didn’t plan on it. If you knew one thing about healing, it was that doubling back only ever made it hurt worse.

You missed him, but not nearly enough to lose your dignity by begging for him to come back. If he did not want you, and sex was the only thing you were good for, so be it. He got his fill, and you would not lose any more respect for yourself by running back to him and trying to get him to see you were worth more than that.

“Not spending time with that guy who was with you the other night?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he waited for a response.

“No, definitely not.” You gave a chuckle, shaking your head. “Waste of my time, Ray.” You reminded, forcing him to recall your many drunken ramblings about men.

“He do wrong by you?” He asked, trying to get to the bottom of your quiet brooding. You shifted in your seat, taking a long sip from your beverage.

“No,” you shook your head. “I started it.” You confessed.

“Don’t think you’d be this upset if he didn’t do anything wrong.” He said, polishing the rims of a few glasses that just came from the dishwasher. You shrugged your shoulders, finding the familiar burn of the whiskey comforting. Finally, you seemed to find some sort of connection to the version of you that lived before Jake, even if it was through cheap liquor and the company of an old bartender.

“He did, but the blame is still on me. He might have done wrong, but I was the one who let him.” You let your eyes focus on the grain of the wood in the bar counter, finding it easier to avoid eye contact.

“Darlin’, I think it’s time you stop blaming yourself for everything. What others do to you isn’t your fault, and you’re allowed to be mad at someone other than yourself.” He sat another drink in front of you, noticing you were already running low on liquor. “That one’s on the house.”

“Four daughters really taught you a thing or two about advice.” You gave a solenn smile. “I’ll try my best.”

“Four daughters gave me a lot more than good advice.” He chuckled, wiping down the table as he spoke. The fatherly tone sent your heart into agony. He was so proud of his children, and nearly every time you visited the bar, you heard about all of their accomplishments and struggles. It was a beautiful thing to see a father love his children so dearly, but you could not refute the jealousy that plagued you every time you listened to the stories.

It was not jealousy over the fact you did not have a good father and they did, because in your opinion, your father was the best one in the entire world. You were jealous that yours was not around to speak such admiration about you to others, and he was not there to pat you on the back and speak his own advice. You missed him with a fervor, and in the last week, it was more intense than it had been in a very long time. You wished so badly that you could have your dad by your side, speaking truth about the stupidity of boys and speaking praise about how you were better than what Jake made you feel.

Your mother, of course, could do all of the same things, and your sister too, but it was not the same. Missing your father was the most difficult thing you had ever done, and it made you want to seclude yourself until the pain passed through. You did not want to reach out to the rest of your family for the same formalities; he was the only person who could truly make you feel better, and it had always been that way. You were angry that he was not here to help you through what seemed like your biggest heartbreak yet, even including the broken marriage that crumbled before you ever grew into an adult.

The heartbreak Jake had caused was violent, devastating and above all, deadly. It came about in such a way because your feelings for him creeped up on you, silent and unforgiving as you fell hopelessly in love with him. You had never got along with anyone else so swimmingly, and nobody else in the world had ever made you feel like he did. Most of all, it hurt so badly because he was the last person in the world you expected to hurt you.

He was the first person you trusted enough to know such intimate details about your life, and the first person in which you opened up to without a paralyzing amount of fear. You knew that you had done wrong, and you should not have let your past experience define what could have been with Jake, and if you could, you would take it all back in a heartbeat. You wished you had the ability to respond without all of the defenses you built up so high, and you wished that you could have swallowed your pride enough to realize that all he wanted to do was care for you. You loved Jake more than you ever thought you could, and if you had the chance to do it all again with the same outcome, you still would.

You knew that his response was due to his own hurt, but it did not take away from the things he said to you. You hurt him so much by rejecting him so bluntly and without hesitation, and you regretted it immensely. Jake was the last person you wanted to treat so poorly, because he was the first person to show you kindness at the hands of another. But, when you thought about his harshness for too long, a wave of nauseous overtook you and tears filled your eyes. You had hurt him, but he had hurt you just the same. You did not want to blame him for his actions, especially knowing that they came from a place of pain, but you could not choke down the bitter taste of his insults. If he could change his mind so quickly, you worried that maybe he thought that way all along.

The hurt also stemmed from your complete transparency with him. You opened up, told him more than you’d ever told anyone else, and moments later, he threw your relationship back in your face and denounced it to meaningless sex. To you, the sex was all but meaningless, and you truly thought it meant just as much to him. After the months of shared nights and memories that would stick with you for a lifetime, you hoped that you meant more to him than sexual gratification. You poured your heart out to him, telling stories of a failed marriage and a dead father in hopes that he would keep it safe and maybe in turn, take some weight off your shoulders. It was incredibly difficult for you to tell him so much, especially when you dedicated your entire life to keeping it hidden. It killed you to know that he would turn into a stranger again even after knowing you so well, and that your biggest secrets were in the hands of someone who you no longer wanted to know.

You were so caught up in your internal brooding that you didn't even notice Ray leave your side, nor did you hear the chime of the bell sound above the front door. It was not like you would have turned to look anyway; your interest in anything other than getting drunk was greatly lacking, and worrying about what others were doing would only hold you back from your intentions. If you found yourself concerned about the happenings of everyone else, it was take too long to get to the level of drunkenness you aspired to be, and you would have to stay at the bar far longer than you wanted.

You were a creature of habit, and despite your lack of desire to be at the bar, you needed to feel like yourself again. The only way you could do that was to carry on as if Jake Kiszka never stumbled into your life at all.

Your second drink was threatening the end when you felt someone take a seat beside you. You would not have turned to look if they did not extend a warm greeting, and even then, you wished you had ignored it.

“Hey, Josh.” You forced a smile, knowing that he was the worst person you could have encountered, only second to Jake himself.

“Fancy meeting you here, friend who is a girl.” You were certain that he had just reached out and stabbed you in the chest. The pain was unbearable, and it was nearly blinding. You kept your eyes glued to the glass in your hand, unsure if you could maintain eye contact without breaking down. Then, a fleeting feeling of fear ran through you. ‘Friend who is a girl’ was an awfully endearing term for someone who just broke his twin brothers heart. Either Josh did not know what transpired between you and Jake, or he was exceptionally good at hiding it.

“It is my favourite bar, after all.” You tried to joke with him, but it only made your chest ache with even more intensity.

“I knew there was a reason Jake suggested this place.” He chuckled, having an a-ha moment as he pieced the puzzle together. “It all makes sense now.” He gave an airy sigh, turning to the bartender to order a drink. “And one for her too, please.”

“Oh, Josh, no need for that-“

“I insist.” He was so similar to his brother that it was scary. As you waited for the drinks, you pondered his elusive words for a moment. From all that you knew about Josh, he did not seem deceitful in the slightest. If anything, he seemed like he was a terrible liar. Josh did not know a single thing that transpired, and you would be damned if you were the one to tell him.

Then, an evil idea infiltrated your sorrowful mind. If you pushed Josh in the right direction, he might have the answers to all of the questions you’d been wondering about in the past week.

Your sin had not only effected your relationship with Jake; now, it seemed to have an impact on every aspect of your life, including relationships with even the furthest of acquaintances.

“So Jake wanted to come here tonight?” You asked, trying your best to put on a mask of confidence. You yourself had never been very well versed in deceit, but you knew that it was your only shot at getting any real answers. God knows you would never reach out to Jake yourself, and his twin brother seemed to be the only chance at finding out the truth.

“Yeah, he was pretty adamant about it. I wasn’t sure why until I walked in and saw you sitting up here all alone.” He gave you a grin, turning to thank the bartender as he slid the drinks your way. “I’ll start a tab, too.” Ray nodded, raising an eyebrow at you, the expression full of inquiry. You waved him off, making it clear that you would stay to chat about it later.

“Thank you,” you replied, taking a sip from your new beverage. He shrugged you off, the gesture small and nothing that was requiring of a thanks.

“Jake was sick all week, so when he asked us all to come out, we jumped at the chance. He skipped practice and everything, which is really unlike him. I’ve seen him pick up that guitar with pneumonia.” He chuckled.

“Oh, wow. I didn’t know.” You breathed, realizing then that he took the separation just as hard as you did.

“I’m surprised you didn’t catch it from him. He was so sick he couldn’t even get out of bed. I went over to his place once, but he was asleep so I just let him be.” Josh had no idea, but you were indeed suffering from the same sickness that Jake had. Heartbreak was more deadly than any other virus, and the two of you were plagued with it. Apparently Jake had the same idea as you and was hoping for a peaceful night to drink the despair away. Or, he was plotting for the absolute opposite.

“Yeah, that is strange. He never told me he was sick.” You muttered, lying through your teeth. Of course he didn’t tell you he was sick; he hadn’t told you anything at all since the last time you saw him.

“So was this planned, or is he just pulling a classic Jake move and hoping he’ll run into you?” Josh raised an eyebrow.

“Definitely not planned, so it must be the latter.” You took another long drink from your glass, wondering when the whiskey would satiate the hurt in your heart. When the burn did not even come close to the painful ache, you worried that it might be permanent.

“Something on your mind, friend who is definitely not a girlfriend? You seem off.” You caught his eye, nearly laughing at his statement. He was correct, you were definitely not a girlfriend, and now it was unlikely that you ever would be. You hated the fact that the option was no longer possible, because being his girlfriend no longer seemed like the worst thing in the world. If anything, you almost liked the idea.

“Lots, but nothing important.” You admitted, knowing that you could never profess such feelings to the brother of the man you loved so deeply. Telling Josh before Jake would be blasphemous, and you could not bring yourself to involve him in the mess you made. Well, any further, anyway.

“I think it’s important,” he assured you, trying to hold your gaze in hopes that his eyes would speak the truth better than his words could. You gave him a soft smile, appreciating his kindness but painfully aware that you were undeserving of it. Once he knew the truth, you were certain he would like you a lot less than he did in that moment. You felt guilty that you were maintaining a conversation with him after hurting Jake so much, but you could not explain your need to talk to him. He was the closest thing you had to a friend, even if you did not know him very well. More than that, he reminded you of the boy you missed with such intensity. When you spoke to him, he gave that same sense of home, even if he was not the home you were in need of. He was the vacation while you awaited retirement.

“It’s just work stuff. Had a particularly hard client, and I’m just trying to forget about it.” You lied with ease, the dishonesty beginning to turn your soul black and your morals upside down. For your entire life, you valued the truth, and ever since you met Jake, it seemed like you’d forgotten all about it. You lied to him about your feelings, and now you were lying to his brother, too. You were unrecognizable, the sinful months beginning to morph you into someone you tried so hard to run away from. The devil worked fast, and you had not yet found the strength to tell him to stop. You worried that if you could not find the courage soon enough, you would never recover.

“I’m sure you’ll prove them wrong. If you’re as talented as Jake says you are, I’m not sure how anyone could be dissatisfied with your work.” His name sent another blow straight to your stomach.

When a hand was placed on his shoulder and his attention was pulled in another direction, you were thankful for the break. You needed a moment to regain yourself, and you could not do that with Josh’s burning stare and reassuring words pointed at you. The guilt was eating you alive, and you knew you would have to come up with an excuse to evade his company if you wanted to make it through the night alive.

When you managed to catch your breath and settle the erratic nature of your heart, a hand landed on your own shoulder. You looked back, hoping to find one of the other two boys that did not have any affect on you, but instead, you were met with a sinking feeling in your stomach and an emotionally heavy gaze. You couldn’t believe that he approached you first, but as you looked over at Josh’s smiling face, you realized that it was likely all for the appearance. So, in hopes of avoiding and awkward questions, you threw on your biggest smile of the night.

“Jacob,” you greeted, trying to appear comfortable under his burning touch and unwavering stare. There was an obvious hint of reluctance in his eye which easily confirmed your worry. He was only talking to you on behalf of hiding the truth from Josh. You expected to be greeted with anger, or even distaste for him catching you sitting with his brother, but it did not seem like he felt that way at all. If anything, you felt that behind the reluctance to speak to you, pain was pooling in his expression.

“Long time no see, sweetheart.” The pet name sent your blood cold. What once was so comforting and sweet now seemed like an insult, or a backhanded gesture to get the last laugh.

“Will she be joining our soirée tonight?” Josh asked his brother. The two of you shared a look, and eventually you turned to Josh with a small shake of your head. In that moment, he realized the depth of the situation and a sense of sympathy formed on his face. “I see,” he said, taking a drink from his cup to avoid the awkwardness of speaking again.

“Could I… would you mind… I’d just like a minute alone with him, if that’s alright.” You struggled through the statement, anxiety written all over you. You had no idea what you were doing, but you were too far gone to stop yourself, now. Something about Jake made it so difficult to think before acting.

“Oh, yeah, f’course.” Josh said, nearly tripping over himself to stand. “I’ll grab that booth over there. I’m sure Sam and Daniel will be joining us soon.” He said, not waiting around for a second longer. You watched as Josh disappeared, almost immediately regretting your decision to stay. After a few moments of awkward silence filled with background chatter and obnoxious music, you managed to turn to face him.

“Can you… sit for a minute?” You mumbled, embarrassed to be taking the step. You didn’t notice it, but he was overjoyed that you spoke to him at all. He did come to the bar with intent to find you there, but he certainly did not expect a friendly conversation from you.

“Sure,” he bit down on his tongue, holding back the term of endearment that was begging to be said. He took post in the stool that Josh had previously occupied, looking down at his hands for a moment to gain enough courage to meet your eyes.

You did not know what you were doing, only what you felt in your heart. Had you stopped yourself from speaking and thought about the repercussions, you would have realized how bad of an idea it was to talk to him.

“I’m sorry,” you breathed, looking over at his face.

Maybe you even would have understood that apologizing was giving him the key to your heart again, which would inevitably land you just as hurt and broken as you had been all week.

Doubling back on your promise to stay away from him was essentially pointing a loaded gun at your head, and talking to him was equal to pulling the trigger.

“You’re sorry?” He asked, appalled at the thought of you apologizing. When you asked him to sit, he’d been preparing for the cruelest of insults and the worst of your thoughts. “No, angel. I’m sorry.” You has completely thrown him off track, and every thought he had while waking into the bar no longer existed. The only thing that mattered was your sad eyes and your heart that was splayed so delicately on your sleeve. The hurt was gone, replaced with the longing he’d been burying deep inside himself.

“You don’t need to be.” You shook your head. “Well, you do, but not nearly as much as I should be.” You did not have intent to rekindle the relationship, but you did want to settle the score.

At least that’s what you were trying to convince yourself. As you repeated it in your head, your hands were desperate to reach out for him and your body was aching to be held by him again.

“I shouldn’t have responded like that.” You let out a long breath, trying to gather your thoughts as you poured your heart out to him. “I, uh, I don’t like falling in love, and relationships terrify me, but you didn’t deserve that.” You had no idea why you were trying so hard with him, and no idea why you hoped that he would understand. You didn’t want to be with him, and you didn’t want him to feel like that was your intent. It was better left unsaid, but for some reason, you could not will yourself to walk away from him. Even more so, you could not let him walk away from you again. “I do care about you, Jake. I just don’t really know how to do that anymore, and when you said it so bluntly, it scared the shit out of me.”

“Oh.” He breathed, enthralled in the details of your face. He felt himself falling for you all over again, and this time, it did not scare him nearly as much as the last. You tried to deny it, but you felt the familiar gravitational pull pushing you towards him. You were enamoured with him from the minute you caught sight of his face. “I shouldn’t have thrown it on you like that. It was unfair, and I can see that now. I just… it felt right, and I couldn’t stop myself.” He admitted, almost appearing nervous as he tried his best to be transparent with you the same way you were with him. “I promised you, y/n, and I hate that I couldn’t keep it.” You swallowed thickly, your eyes darting to the whiskey glass in your hand.

“I guess I didn’t keep my promise very well, either.” You chuckled. “I couldn’t even admit it, even if we were playing house every day.” You sipped your drink, hoping that it might calm your nerves. When he looked as if he was waiting for you to continue, you did. “I care about you a lot, Jake. So much that it scares me. I felt it, too, and I don’t know why I couldn’t just say it, or at least respond with less… crazy.” You laughed. For the first time since he’d joined you that night, a smile crossed his lips, too. It was blinding, the kind that you couldn’t fake, and it warmed your heart.

“You’ve always been more than sex.” He confessed, profound and sincere. “You are worth the whole world and more, and I’m sorry that I said that. I didn’t mean it, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.” You were so relieved that you felt tears begin to prickle your eyes. For the first time since he walked out of your house that night, the world did not feel like it was ending. “And you look stunning tonight, as always.”

“Don’t push it, Jacob.” You giggled, feeling the need to lean over and kiss him. You held back, not out of fear of love, but because you worried he might not want it. There was no way you could stop yourself if he leaned in first, and the more the seconds passed, the more comfortable you grew with the thought.

“You remember the last time we sat here?” He raised an eyebrow, leaning into you so similar to how he did that very first night.

“How could I forget?” You rolled your eyes. “Pretty sure you were wearing the same, tacky dress pants.”

“And you were just as insulting.” He teased, but the look in his eye lead you to believe he was not hurt by your words. Instead, he seemed estatic to hear that same tone of voice again.

“Two condoms in your wallet?” You bit back a smile.

“Three, actually.” He corrected. “Was hoping I could find someone who I could keep with me all weekend.” The look in his eye darkened slightly, letting you know he was thinking of all the filthy things the two of you could get up to with three, uninterrupted days.

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place.” You offered, pretending as if you weren’t thinking of the exact same things.

“Am I?” He challenged, leaning just a bit closer. “Don’t tell me I have to do this all over again.”

“A little courtship wouldn’t kill you, Jacob.” You swung your chair in his direction, facing him with the playful look in your eye he loved so much. “How bad do you want it?” You pressed further, leaning down slightly so he had a clear view of the cleavage your dress was allowing.

“I don’t even think I could make it to the bathroom, this time.” The seriousness in his tone was chilling, and in a moment of sheer irrationality, your hand reached over and rested on his. The moment contradicted all he had been afraid of, and although the gesture was small, it was more permissive than anything you’d done in the time you knew him.

He stood, moving towards you and capturing your face in his hands. With great intensity, he leaned down and placed his lips to yours. The kiss was heated, letting you know that he’d been thinking about it just as much as you had in the time spent apart, and neither of you wanted it to end.

For a moment, things seemed perfect.

But, you were far too grown to believe that perfection was possible, and your judgement was momentarily clouded by the yearning of your heart.

When you lived a lifestyle as sinful as yours, the devil had a helping hand in every aspect, and God did not have enough sympathy to grant you enough grace to allow for a moment of peace.

“Too much to say I missed you?” He mumbled against your lips, dreading the moment in which he would have to part from you. It was a phrase the two of you used often, and the answer was almost the same every single time.

“Just enough.” You replied, your heart begging to burst from your chest.

The problem was nowhere near resolved, and all you had done was found an island after being stranded in the ocean. It allowed for temporary relief, but not salvation.

“Can I buy you a drink to make up for it?”

“If we’re keeping score, I’d owe you plenty of drinks.”

“This is more than enough for me, angel.” He assured you, his lips still hovering over your own.

“One drink, then, and I’ll make it up to you later.” You offered, giving him a sly smile. The filthy invitation was subtle, but he could read you like a book. Filthy was the only thing the two of you knew, and it would not be easy to break out of it, even if you both committed to trying.

“Can we skip to that part? I don’t know if I can wait that long.”

“So impatient, Jacob.” You let out a disapproving tsk. “I heard once that the wait makes it all the better.”

“What can I say, sweetheart. You always bring out the worst in me.” His thumb drifted over your cheek, the glimmer of love in his eye returning as if it never left. “Besides, I think we have a lot of time to make up for.” His other hand landed on your thigh, just below the ending of the skirt of your dress. The touch was light, but electrifying. You knew that you could search to the ends of the earth, and you would still never find anyone who even came close to Jake.

“Don’t get yourself worked up, honey. It’ll be a long night for you.” You reached out, your hand landing on his side as you pulled him closer.

“For me?” He raised an eyebrow. The two words sent a rush of arousal straight to your core, and for a moment, you thought you would allow him to fuck you right over the bar top if it meant you could have him again. “Careful, angel. Would hate to have to remind you of who’s in charge.” You squeezed your thighs together to satiate the ache that was steadily growing. He noticed the tense of your muscles under his hand, a wicked look in his eye forming as he realized the mess he was causing between your legs.

“A double whiskey, please.” You tried to keep your voice as strong as possible, but the words came out strained. You were desperate to change the topic, but he was never one to give up so easily. He tightened his fingers around your leg for just a moment, the familiar smirk growing on his lips as he stepped away.

“Whatever you want, baby.” He hummed as he took a seat again, waiting for the bartender to return to the two of you. “Just be sure that’s what you want.” He said, looking over his shoulder at Ray who was serving a group of older men.

“What game are you playing, Jacob?”

“No games,” he promised “I’m just saying, if you want something, don’t be scared to ask for it.” At his words, something inside you snapped. You stood, not the least bit worried about your bluntness, and gave him a hard stare.

‘Self-righteous prick’ you thought to yourself. ‘God, I love it.’

“Meet me in the bathroom.” You said, only loud enough for him to hear. Hiding a smile, he watched you as you stormed towards the bathroom, his eyes focused intently on your ass. With a shrug of his shoulders, he finished the last of your drink, waiting only a moment before he stalked off in the same direction, uncaring about anyone catching you two in the act. When he approached the door to the bathroom, he took a deep breath to calm himself.

He raised his hand to knock on the door, but you swung it open and pulled him inside before his fist even had the chance to hit the wood. Before the door was closed behind you, your lips connected with his in a fervent embrace. As you attempted to push the door shut, your other hand was already unbuttoning his infuriatingly attractive shirt. His hands were on you, roaming every exposed inch of you and familiarizing himself with the feeling of you on his skin.

“And I’m the impatient one?” He smirked against your kiss, unable to hold back his thoughts.

“Shut the fuck up.” You muttered, finally managing to free the last button from his shirt. He reached up, tangling your curled hair in his fist and holding it tightly.

“Watch your fucking mouth.” He warned. Just because he had missed you did not mean that he was willing to give up the control.

“Shut the fuck up, sir.” You repeated, making sure to annunciate the title with as much detail as you could. As much as you missed his company, you missed pushing his buttons far more. “Is that better?

“Do you want me to leave you here all by yourself?” He questioned, the dominance in his voice familiar and incredibly enticing. Perhaps you decided to misbehave just to see it again, because in that moment, you felt at home again. “I will, angel. I’ll go out and order a drink, and you can take care of that ache between your legs all alone.” Your stomach plummeted at the thought of him leaving you on your lonesome. “You don’t like the sound of that, do you?”

“No, sir.” You shook your head, focused on his erection that was pressing into your hip. You doubted that he would do as he said, but you still feared that he might.

“Then lose the fucking attitude.” He ordered, taking a step forward so you were pushed against the wall. “I missed you too, but you need to be good for me, okay? If we’re in here for too long, people are going to notice we’re gone, and then we’ll be in trouble.”

“Okay.” You breathed, agreeing and knowing it was best to get to the point as fast as you could. Avoiding an awkward conversation was in your best interest, and your best interest was his biggest priority. You watched him as he sunk to his knees before you, his fingers bunching up the fabric of your dress and hiking it up to your navel. His lips dusted over your thighs, the sight nearly sending him weak. It had been far too long since he had you like this, but as much as he would have loved to keep you there with him all night, he knew he had to hurry.

“Dressing up for someone, sweetheart?” He asked, letting his fingers trail over the black lace of your thong. He tried to frame his question as inquisitive, but you knew it ran far deeper than teasing you. He was wondering if you had plans to meet with someone else. The thought nearly made him sick, but he felt as though he needed to know the answer.

“No, sir.” You promised. He looked up, catching your eye and living in the moment of sincerity.

“So this is all for me?” He smiled.

“Always.” You reached down, cupping his cheek in your palm. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment, feeling the warmth and wishing it could last forever. His fingers hooked through the sides of your underwear as he slowly pulled them away from your hips. He let the flimsy material fall to your ankles, his eyes heavy and clouded with desire for you.

“You’re too good to me, angel.” He purred, helping you free one leg from the thong. Instead of focusing on the other one, he guided the freed leg over his shoulder and placed a trail of sloppy kisses on the inside of your thigh.

The air between you was different, but in no negative way like you previously thought it would be. It was more passionate, more relaxed, and most of all, more loving. The confession of feelings did not change anything between you two like you feared. It only seemed to made the connection stronger, and so much better. You felt like an idiot for turning him away, and you regretted turning him down without a second thought. All that the two of you were doing was loving; the only difference from then to now was the words being spoken into existence. You cared much too deeply about the small word that held so little value, and not enough about the boy who found home between your legs. Now that you had him again, you vowed to never let yourself be so foolish again.

When his mouth connected with your core, you could not contain the pornographic moan that left your lips. A week to most was nothing, just a small amount of time that was easily forgotten. A week without Jake, however, was no less than torture, especially having left things so badly. The feeling of his tongue on you was addicting, and for the last seven days, you were a woman plagued with the worst of withdrawals. One hundred and sixty eight hours without his touch was excruciating, and ten thousand and eighty minutes without the grace of his presence felt worse than any hell that awaited you in the afterlife.

Any time spent away from Jake was horrible, and you never wanted to be apart from him again.

“Taste just as good as I remember, sweetheart.” He pulled away just long enough to slip in the comment, the husky tone of his voice sending your knees weak. “How fast do you think you can cum for me?”

“I don’t know, baby.” You breathed, already missing the feeling of his mouth. He should have phrased his question better; he was not wondering about your ability to orgasm, but rather how fast he could get you there. The answer was up to him, and he was nothing if not keen on a challenge. Without any further conversation, his tongue had found your clit once again, and this time, he was working with intent. “Oh, fuck.” You whined, tangling your fingers in his hair and tugging at the roots.

The feeling of your fingers knotted in the locks of hair was exhilarating, better than any substance he could imagine. The taste of your arousal on his lips was like heaven, and he was a fool to have walked away from you. You were the best thing his hands ever had the opportunity to touch, and you were the only thing his heart desired. It did not matter if you were in the backseat of a car, or in a dirty bar bathroom, or even laid on the most expensive mattress the world had to offer; the moment was sacred to him, and it had everything to do with you.

He hummed against you, a wordless praise for the beautiful noises slipping past your lips. When you let his name mixed within them, he knew he would never hear a more beautiful sound. He was certain that the world could not offer any more than you, and his name would never sound half as pretty painted on someone else’s lips. He was unequivocally in love with you, and he no longer felt the need to run from it. This was where he was meant to be, foolishly happy and living with his head between your legs.

You let in a sharp intake of breath as he raised his hand to your cunt and slipped his fingers inside of you. Within seconds, he curled his fingers just right and hit the spot inside you only he knew how to find. He knew you better than anyone else in the world, but more than that, he was the only person who cared enough to know you so well. You were a mess, the sounds echoing off the walls adding to the sexual tension in the room and only driving him into a frenzy. Pleasing you had become his favourite pastime, and he was devestatingly good at it. Your hips bucked forward into his hand and his mouth, and you could feel him smile against you.

Driving you crazy had quickly become his trademark, and he was happy he could put the talent to use once more.

You were dangerously close, your walls constricting against him as you tried to fight the waves of pleasure. You body was sticky with sweat and your hair and makeup was likely ruined, but you didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was Jake, just like always. The knot in your belly was begging to unravel, taunting you further with every pump of his fingers and flick of his tongue. You hated how easy it was for him to send you in to such a state, but above all, you were thankful that he’d managed to find you amidst the chaos of the world.

As you began to descend into pleasure, the only thing you could think of was how grateful you were that out of billions of people, you were the lucky one to be able to have Jake.

If you told yourself that months ago, you would laugh and spit in your own face.

But the devil was a master at his trade, and this specific trade happened to be all things sex. It was impossible not to fall victim to it, even if it would eventually be the cause of your demise.

“Please don’t stop, m’gonna cum.” You pleaded, your grip tightening around the strands of hair tangled between your fingers. Your legs began to quiver and your mind quickly dissolved into desperate, obscene thoughts about the boy driving you mad. A particularly coarse moan tore from your chest, letting him know how good he was making you feel. Then, underneath the sound of your pleasure, so quiet that you almost missed, you heard him moan against you. It was filled with emotion, showing you all of him at once; the need for you, the weakness he had in regards to you, and the pure joy he felt from pleasing you.

And it sent you into absolute bliss.

You came hard, your body tensing as he held your hips tightly, keeping his mouth on you for as long as he could. He soaked up the pleasure, letting it settle heavily in his bones. It weighed him down with likeness to cement, forcing him to stay on the ground and live solely to please you for the rest of his life. As you came down, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. His tongue was still focused on your clit and his fingers moved as if he wanted to force you into another orgasm.

“Jake, please stop.” You gasped, the sting of overstimulation infiltrating every nerve in your body. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to pull his head away from you in reaction to the feeling. He did not stop, and he did not even show any signs of slowing. He wanted you to come again, and he wasn’t willing to back down. “Jake,” you tried again, but you knew that he would not stop unless you spoke the right word. A small part of you wanted to, but a bigger part of you wanted to continue. You had learned long ago that whatever Jake was willing to give you was worth more than anything else, and pain from him was worlds better than pleasure from another.

That was the funny thing about the devil; he forced your hand in believing that his torture was bliss.

He let out another moan against you, his cock painfully hard and strained against his pants. He needed you desperately, but not as much as he needed the taste of you on his tongue. It was more than a necessity; it was a matter of life or death. If he pulled away, he feared his heart would stop and his lungs would deflate.

“Fuck!” You yelped, your abdomen painfully tense and your mind swimming with nothing but a need to slow down. Still, he was like an addiction, and stopping was not an option. You too felt as though you would succumb to death if you had to go without him. He knew that despite your protests, you were close to the edge once again. Your body told him more than your words, and the rock of your hips against his hand and the way your walls clenched around his fingers, inviting them further inside told him all he needed to know.

The next orgasm that ravaged your body set your skin on fire and reduced your brain to mush. You could not speak, nor could you even force his name out. Your throat constricted alongside the rest of your body, and sweat began to bead on your forehead. Your hands were too weak to hold on to his hair any longer, and the only reason you were upright was because of his iron grip on you. This time, when you came down, his movements slowed with the beat of your heart. He moved his mouth first, and then his fingers followed. He looked up at your face, his chin glistening with wetness, and a smile blossomed on his lips.

“How was that, angel?” He asked, slowly rising to his feet. You could not form an answer, instead only blinking at him as you tried to steady your breathing. But, your silence was enough of a response for him, and he guided you towards the countertop before you could even begin to recover.

Your head was still spinning as he bent you over the counter and unbuckled his belt. You watched him in the mirror as he spit into his hand, rubbing himself for a moment before he rested the tip of his cock on you. He caught your eye into the mirror, giving you a small smirk as he studied your fucked out expression. Your eyes were glued to his face, memorizing the details of him too, fearful that you might miss something. The seven days spent apart had done nothing but make you dread what life would be like if you never saw him again. Now that he was there, standing behind you with his hands on you, you never wanted to be apart from him again. You did not want to miss out on a single moment of life with Jake, and you felt stupid for not being able to admit it sooner.

“Do you want it, sweetheart?” He asked, his tone low and filled with lust. “Do you want me?”

“I do,” you nodded, your voice raspy and your desperation evident. You caught his eye, a chill running down your spine at the expression he held in his gaze. His jaw was hard set and his nostrils were slightly flared. The sight of him alone was sending you feral, and you didn’t know if you could wait much longer. “Please, Jake. I need you.”

“You need me?” He taunted, pushing his hips forward ever so gently. The feeling of him inside you was thrilling, even if it was just barely. Only the tip rested inside you, and even though you both wanted to go further, the small action was worth more than anything else. You were certain Jake could give you anything, even including the smallest of gestures, and you would thank him until your lungs gave out from a lack of air. Any kindness from him was enough, and you were certain his injustices even bordered pleasure. He was everything, and you couldn’t believe he was yours.

“I need you,” you reiterated, giving him a look of desperation through the mirror. “Please, baby.” You tried again, feeling him push into you a little more. You let out a sigh of relief, knowing that soon enough he would not be able to resist the temptation. “You always make me feel so good.” He took in a sharp breath at your words, finally finding enough kindness to give you what you wanted.

When he bottomed out inside of you, he sat for a moment, completely still as he revelled in the feeling. His eyes were closed, his head tipped back towards the ceiling just enough to expose the muscles of his neck. His adams apple stuck out against his tanned skin, the glisten of sweat on him making the picturesque moment even more beautiful. His shirt was still on his shoulders, but all of the buttons were undone and his chest was bare, begging to be admired. You let your eyes trail all the way from his collarbones, drinking in the detail until your gaze settled on his navel. Then, your stare landed on the sight of his hips meeting yours, thinking about how the two of you fit together so perfectly that it was sinful not to indulge in the ritual.

You clenched around him, biting back a smirk as his eyebrows furrowed in pleasure. He let his hand drift up your back, settling in tight hold on your shoulder. “I missed that tight little cunt.” He muttered, finally meeting your eyes in the reflection again. Your stomach twisted into knots, your legs going weak again just at his words. Behind his pupil, you could see the streak of evil that so often ran through him. When your eyes went out of focus, you swore that devil horns sat atop his head much like the first night you shared with him, but this time they were not hidden in the blackness of night. They were in plain sight, and you did not even believe he was trying to hide it anymore.

It was almost funny, how you had been so scared of his hellish nature in the beginning, and now you had fallen in love with it just the same as the rest of him.

He withdrew his hips slowly and steadily, and then with the force of his hand on your shoulder, pulled you back down on him with a strength that made your head spin. A cry of pleasure fell from your lips as he made it a point to keep up the brutal pace. He was sinister, and that much was obvious, yet you no longer held a fear for his godless power. As time dragged on, a part of your soul had turned vile to match the evil of his own, and the two of you had become one. You could not point a finger at him and call him the devil, because you would have to point at yourself in the mirror and say the same. The wicked nature lived within the both of you, taking over and claiming your body as it’s own. You were possessed by the power, and the two of you ruled hell as one. The fate you feared awaited you was no longer terrifying, because you were now the power you once feared.

You cannot play Russian roulette with Satan, because only he would have the knowledge to create a game so sinister. He passed you the loaded gun, and you put it to your own head even with the knowledge that there was six bullets sitting in the chamber.

You were playing a losing game; after all, how could death itself fear dying?

“This is what you wanted?” He asked, the sound of skin on skin filling the room and leaving little room for anything else. “You wanted me so bad you couldn’t even wait until we got home.”

Until we got home. Insinuating that home was only a place where the two of you existed together, and that home to him was wherever you were.

And god, he was right.

That house was nothing without him in it, and the memories made before his time meant little anymore. He was home, and that house was just a shelter to hide away in until he was there to fill it with love. This time, upon the harsh realizations, you did not shy away from the idea. Instead, you welcomed it with open arms and a smile on your face. Jake was home, a place where you could hide away from the rest of the world. He was a hug after a long day, and a warm blanket after facing the violent cold. He was a place to put your sorrow down, and where you could let the walls of defence fall. He was not the only home you’d ever known, but he was the best one you’d ever known.

You wanted to tell him you loved him. The word was lingering in the air, the sweet taste dancing on the tip of your tongue and it’s soft hand was caressing your cheek. Instead, you moaned his name and told him how good he was making you feel. It was not the confession you wanted to make, but it was enough to satiate the craving until you were strong enough to speak the truth. Sex was the only way you knew how to communicate with him, but you hoped that with time, you would finally be able to speak the words he so badly wanted to hear.

“Shit!” You gasped, his cock slamming into your cervix and sending your thighs rocking into the countertop. You could already feel bruises forming, but you could not find it within yourself to care. When you returned home and took your dress off, it was serve as a reminder that he was real and you weren’t just dreaming of someone so wonderful. A loud slur of moans fell from your lips, and his hand came up to clamp around your mouth while he continued at the same, bruising pace.

“You have to be quiet, sweetheart.” He reminded, but sounds of pleasure were seeping from his own lips. “Those are only for me. You know that.” He tried to keep his voice steady, but you could tell that he was getting close from the waver of his words. You let out a while, muffled by the strong hand anchored to your mouth. “I know, angel.” He sympathized, feeling the same way. “Cum for me.”

You did just as he asked, unravelling around his cock and dissolving into a mess below him. He watched your face in the mirror, studying every miniscule detail and searing it into his brain forever. He never wanted to forget what you looked like when you were experiencing such euphoria at his hands. He muffled every noise that slipped out, and he kept his rhythm until you relaxed against him. When your eyes fluttered open and flickered up to meet his own, he couldn’t stop himself from reaching his own climax. His hips stuttered and you felt him twitch inside of you as he painted your walls with his release. His stature faltered and he slumped over slightly, wrapping you in a blanket of warmth as his chest pressed against your back. He released his hold on your mouth as he pressed his mouth to the back of your neck, leaving a few gentle kisses on the exposed skin.

“We have a thing for bathrooms.” You breathed, looking at his reflection through heavily-lidded eyes. You couldn’t help but feel pure adoration at the sight of his face, knowing for certain that you would never see a more beautiful person.

“You know I can’t help myself around you.” He gave a lazy chuckle, straightening up as he pulled out of you. “Especially when you wear such slutty dresses. You could at least leave something to the imagination.” He joked.

“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind next time.” You laughed, pushing yourself up off the counter.

“Don’t you dare.” He warned, knowing that he’d miss it more than anything.

“That’s what I thought.” You smirked, moving to clean yourself off as best as you could. “So… we’re okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling at the question. “We’re okay, angel.”

“I… uh, I’d like to do that other part more often, too.” You confessed. He took a step towards you, wrapping you in a hug that expressed all he felt for you in his heart. He placed a kiss to your forehead, smiling against you at the thought of building a relationship with you. When he pulled away, he also took the time to fix the skirt of your dress. Then, he reached up and swiped away your smudged lipstick with his thumb. “Sex is great, but I really like spending time with you, too.”

“We can make that happen.” He promised, looking to you with an astounding amount of sincerity in his eyes. “I’m so sorry that I said that stuff to you. You didn’t deserve it, and I will do everything I can to make up for it.” He cupped your cheek in his hand.

“I’m sorry, too.” You leaned into the touch, closing your eyes for a moment to savour the innocent intimacy. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Jake. I don’t want to hurt you, ever.”

“I know,” he said, leaning down and placing a small kiss to your lips. Your heart fluttered and your stomach twisted with joy. Slowly, you began to overcome your fear, because you knew that even the scariest of things did not seem too bad with Jake by your side. “Did you… do you want to come and have a drink with us? I’m sure Josh is out of his mind with worry, now. He really likes you, and I think he’s been scared I was going to fuck it up.”

“Yeah,” you laughed, knowing he was right. “Do you want to come back to my house, tonight?”

“More than anything.” He nodded, the words rushing out of him with a long sigh of relief. “I’ll go and order us drinks. Meet me out there in a few minutes?”

“Yeah, of course.” You nodded, shooing him towards the door. The two of you had already been gone for a suspicious amount of time and you would hate for them to catch on to your act. Jake blew you a kiss as he stepped out the door, closing it gently behind him. You smiled, your cheeks dusting red as you swiped away any fallen mascara specs from under your eyes. You touched up your lipstick and combed your fingers through your hair, and by the time you looked presentable, you could safely leave the bathroom.

You walked out, first noticing Jake by the bar. You sent him a smile, trying to hide the excitement in your eyes as you approached him. It was strange feeling giddy over a grown man, like you were a middle schooler with an embarrassing crush. It was even stranger to know that it was not only reciprocated, but he felt the exact same way you did. You joined his side, smiling at Ray as he fixed your drinks. Jake tucked you safely under his arm, pulling you closer to him as his hand rested on your hip.

“Two double whiskeys.” Ray said, placing the glasses in front of you.

“Thanks darlin’.” You smiled, grabbing yours and taking a long sip out of it.

“Can you combine her tab with mine?” Jake asked, taking a drink from his own cup. You shot him a look protest but he paid you no mind. Ray gave a nod, looking to you as if to ask if everything was alright. You gave him a subtle nod, telling him all he needed to know.

“You head over, I just need to grab my jacket and stuff.” You told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Sure thing.” He said, letting his eyes linger over you before turning to join his brothers.

“So it all worked out?” Ray asked, watching you collect your belongings from your chair.

“Seems so.” You shrugged. “I guess things weren’t as bad as I thought they were.”

“Don’t let him break your heart, darlin’.” He said, collecting the empty glasses littering the counters. “You’re worth more than that.”

“I won’t.” You promised, slinging your jacket over your shoulder and holding your drink tightly. “Thanks for being there for me, Ray.”

“I’ve always got your back.” He promised. “I might be old, but I’ve still got fight left in me.” You laughed at his words, nodding in agreement. “Have fun, sweetheart.”

“You know I will!” You called, turning to face the booth that the boys were occupying. Jake was just reaching the table as you began to walk over to join, but he did not sit down. Instead, he seemed to freeze in his tracks and after a few seconds, sent a nervous look over his shoulder at you.

Fear gripped you, but you continued walking towards him in hopes that you were misreading his expression. When you reached the group, you gave a smile to Sam and Danny, but they seemed to have to force their own in return. When your eyes drifted to Josh, he was looking down at his hands settled into his lap. Then, your eyes settled on an unknown girl who was sitting next to Josh in the booth, who was also making quick work at ogling Jake. You swallowed your pride, looking to Jake in hopes of a quick answer or reassurance that this situation was nothing but innocent.

Before he could explain himself, the nameless blonde stood from the booth with a grin on her face, leaning forward without any hesitation and placed a kiss on Jake’s lips. In truth, Jake did not respond, but to you it seemed as if he did. Your eyes were deceiving you on behalf of your broken heart. He placed a stiff hand on her hip, but not in any attempt to draw her closer. He was silently trying to stop her from taking it any further. He was straight as a board, his muscles tense and trying in every way to exude his distaste for the greeting.

When he didn’t respond with enthusiasm, she pulled away and with intent to cover her own bruised ego, shot you a look of daggers. You watched the two, unsure of what was happening, and completely unwilling to find out. The only thing you could do was laugh, and even that came out awkward and painful. It seemed stuck in your throat as tears prickled your eyes.

“Y/n,” Jake warned, taking a step in your direction and completely disregarding the woman who seemed so intent to get his attention. “Please.” He whispered, no louder than a pin drop. He wanted to explain before your mind got the best of you, but your decision was already made. There was nothing he could say to make you feel better.

The real reason he invited his brothers to the bar finally surfaced, and the room was heavy with the weight of his mistake. He’d been so intent to know if you were at the bar waiting for someone else because he had shown up with the intent to entertain another woman. The question was not one of inquire, but an admission of guilt. He had not invited the blonde girl out because he was interested in anything she had to offer; he had invited her to that specific bar on that specific night because he knew you would be there, dressed up and drinking whiskey while you pretended to be interested in the football game playing on the television. He wanted you to see them together, and he was betting on you having a jealous streak. He thought if he could make you jealous, you’d run straight back into his arms.

What he was not expecting was your warm welcome when he’d arrived, nor did he ever think there would be a heartfelt apology. Maturity had lost him when you’d broken his heart, and he wanted to play dirty. He was so immersed in you while you two aired out your thoughts that he failed to remember the other girl who was on her way to meet him there. You always triumphed when it came to anything or anyone else, but this time, your effect on him had been fatal. He dug his own grave and as he stood amidst the chaos he caused, he worried that he sealed it forever.

You wanted to throw your drink in his face, or to scream until your throat was raw and no more sound could be made. You wanted to tell him every bad thing you were thinking and call him every terrible name you could imagine. Instead of any of that, you seemed frozen in place. Your fingers were clasped around your glass so tightly that it nearly shattered under the pressure. Your lips were glued together despite the insults begging to break free. Your eyes held fire but they were calm, which was even more dangerous. He broke your heart once already, but this time, he’d torn it to shreds and discarded it like it was nothing.

There was power in walking away, and it just so happened that walking was your favourite thing to do.

“Enjoy your date, Jacob.” Your words came out clearer and stronger than you thought they would. You feared the familiar crack in your voice would sell you out, but not even that seemed to want to surface. Maybe it was afraid of your consequential anger, too. Your skin felt like there was a million cuts littering the surface, stinging with every pulse of your heart and stretch of your body. Your nerves felt like they were doused in gasoline and he’d thrown a match your way, igniting you without a second thought. He took a step towards you, but you took a step back and shook your head, shutting down whatever idea was running through his mind. He could see the shine of sadness begin to glaze your irises, and he felt equivalent to the dirt on the bottom of your shoe.

“Just listen to me for a second.” He pleaded, knowing that everyone at the table was watching the circus as it unfolded. Horror was not a good enough description for how everyone was feeling, and nobody knew what to do. Worse than that, nobody knew what to expect. The boys were watching you as if you would explode at any second, and god knows you wanted to. But, you were stronger than that, and he didn’t deserve such a reaction.

“Listen to what? I don’t care.” You said, shaking your head. “I don’t care if she’s your girlfriend, or if you weren’t ever planning on seeing her again after tonight, and I don’t even care if she was leverage to hold over my head. I. Don’t. Care.” Your voice was dangerously quiet. Although everyone was sitting right there, they could not hear a word the two of you were saying over the noisy bar atmosphere.

“Don’t say that.”

“I don’t care who she is, I don’t care what you’re doing, and I don’t care about you.” Much similar to his own experience, the heartbreak had turned you vile. You wanted to say whatever you could to hurt him, and you were doing it without insults and profanities. “Every time I start to think that you might be different, or I start think you mean what you say, you prove me wrong. Every fucking time. I’m done, Jake.” With that, you turned on your heel and walked away.

For a moment, you considered leaving the bar, but you could not give him that much satisfaction. This was your bar, and nobody could take that away from you. You did feel reluctant about returning to your normal seat, knowing that you could not face Ray’s knowing stare and worried questions. Instead, you walked to the other end of the bar in the second bartenders section. You knew her, but not nearly as well as you knew Ray, and not nearly enough for her to show you any concern. You drank down the liquor in your cup, the burn achingly strong, yet not nearly enough to distract you from the sound of your own breaking heart.

You ordered another drink, feeling five sets of eyes lingering on the back of your head. Jake watched as you sat down, confused and hurt about your statement, yet knowing that he deserved it for trying to play such a childish game. He was pained to know he hurt you again, and he was pained to know that you would not respond to any attempts to apologize.

So, he did what he knew best, and he carried on as if you never hurt him at all. He snaked his arm around the other girls waist, giving a short apology for the confusion, and placed a lingering kiss on her lips. If you did not care, then neither did he. If he continued on, he thing that maybe you would be upset enough to confront him.

In that moment, the two of you meant nothing to each other.

Well, that’s what you were trying to convince yourselves, at least.

You were furious, wanting to go over there and blow up at him with every single insult you could think of, to hit him and scream and cry because he hurt you so badly. Instead, you allowed yourself to peek over your shoulder with just enough time to watch him kiss her. You felt like someone had just punched you in the stomach. The air was knocked from your lungs and you felt like you were going to be sick. His lips were locked with another girls while the remnants of his orgasm was still threatening to run down your thigh and yours was lingering on his chin.

That seemed to be the most sickening thought of all.

Jealousy flooded you, making your skin prickle with indignation. The next drink that was sat in front of you was gone almost as soon as it was placed there, and you decided it was best to order two at a time to keep up with the ache in your chest. You looked back over at him again, unable to resist the urge. You saw her laughing, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she smiled up at Jake. She was clinging on to whatever he was saying, clearly hoping he would take her to the bathroom and do the same to her as he did with you just moments before.

As you studied the scene, you knew that jealousy was not the correct term for what you were feeling. You were envious of the situation in the booth. You wanted to be wrapped around him, laughing at his jokes and making relationships with his brothers. You wanted what she had in that moment, and you wanted it with a fervor you’d never quite felt before. You could not call it jealousy, because you were not worried about her taking something that belonged to you. In truth, Jake was never yours. You had ensured that long before the night’s events unfolded. You could not be jealous about something that did not belong to you, and Jake did not and he never would.

Envy was a much better description, because quite frankly, you never would have what she did in that moment. You and Jake could not comprehend simplicity, nor could you find the courage to love each other openly. Even from the very beginning, you and Jake struggled. Whether it was bickering because you refuted your connection, or because you simply enjoyed the struggle, it had never been easy. You were green with envy over something you would never have, and what she seemed to be getting so easily. You were sick at the thought, and pained to know that you’d fallen hard enough to feel such devastating emotions.

You felt a tear slip down onto your cheek as you drowned your sorrows in whiskey. Sometimes, it seemed like your own personal holy water. Once the first tear fell, the floodgates opened and your cheeks were soaked with physical reminders of your own stupidity.

You were crying so hard that your shoulders were shaking with the heaves of your chest, and you could no longer see the glass that was held tightly in your hand.

Then, a gentle touch landed on your shoulder. It was unfamiliar, but comforting, and you felt like you knew who it was before you even turned around. His second hand landed on your other shoulder, and you leaned backwards into the touch until the back of your head landed on his chest. Once he knew you were going to be receptive of his touch, he wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly while you tried to swallow down your drowning sadness.

“Seems like you’ve been more than a girl who is a friend all along.” Josh hummed, his hold protective and his heart breaking for you.

“I’ve always been exceptionally good at lying to myself.” You rasped, raising a hand to wipe your cheeks clean.

“Mind if I sit?”

“It’s probably better if you don’t.” You sighed, sniffling away another sob.

“Well, I’ve always been exceptionally good at breaking the rules.” He shrugged, pulling out the chair beside you and taking a seat.

“That’s hard for me to believe.” You chuckled, looking over at him with puffy eyes and a red nose. You were in no state to be socializing, but he didn’t seem to care.

“You better believe it, mama.” He said, taking a sip of his own drink. You cocked your head to the side, a small smile stuck on your lips as you processed the pet name. “Penny for your thoughts?” He asked, pulling a coin from his pocket and tossing it down on the table. He seemed to be the beacon of light in the suffocating darkness. His jokes and bright smile soothed your sorrowful soul, and you wondered what it would be like to be friends with him forever. With Josh around, you had a hard time picturing any sadness at all.

“For you, it’s free.” You assured him. “And this is a quarter. I’m not that steep.” You slid the coin back towards him, watching as he stopped it with his finger. Instead of putting it back in his pocket, he tossed it in one of the tip jars sitting on the bar top.

“I’m honoured.” He gave you a grin, breathtaking and beautiful, but so different than his brothers. For twins, their differences were staggering. “He’s an idiot, you know.”

“To each their own.” You shrugged, picking up a shelled peanut from the dish in front of you for something to fidget with. “Has he been dating her the whole time?”

“Her? No.” He shook his head, almost laughing at the thought. “She was the first girl who was just a friend, but she wasn’t really much of a friend at all. More or less just a girl.” He explained, swirling the ice around his glass with his straw. “I think I ran into her the first weekend we moved here. She was sneaking out sometime in the morning, and of course, I had to introduce myself.”

“Don’t know why I’d expect any less.” You chuckled, recalling the first time you’d ever met him.

“Some people never change.” He smirked. “After that, I never saw her again. Which was fantastic, because I didn’t really like her all that much. Definitely not as much as I liked you.”

“That’s good.” You smiled, waiting for him to continue. You felt honoured that josh liked you as much as he did. He seemed protective of his brother, and rightfully so. You wondered why he thought you were so good for him when all you ever seemed to do was cause Jake pain.

“I met a few girls after that, but they never stuck around. You, though? I could see it in his eyes that day. He never wanted you leave.” He leaned back in his seat, seeming like he was racking his brain for the best way to explain himself. “Usually, the girls leave before he even bothers to get out of bed. Then, he started talking about you all of the time, and I realized that this was more than just a drunken accident. When he wanted us to meet you, I knew he was head over heels.”

“He’s got a funny way of showing it.” You replied, your distaste for his actions clear in your face. “But, I guess I’m not the best at it, either.”

“I never said he was good at showing it.” He laughed. “I love him, but it doesn’t mean I always have to agree with him.”

“True.” You nodded in agreement.

“I think I had a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong when he came home last weekend and slammed his door hard enough to shake the building and then locked himself in his apartment for days. Maybe you and I were both trying to pry some information out of each other, earlier.”

“Sorry about that.” You buried your red cheeks in your glass as you swallowed the liquid down, ashamed of your actions.

“Don’t be, ‘cause I was doing it, too.” He said, admitting to his own guilt. “You don’t have to tell me about that if you don’t want to, but I’m all ears if you need it.”

“I’m the classic sob story, Josh.” You leaned forward, signalling to the bartender to make you another drink. She gave a thumbs up in response. “Divorcée, dead dad, a knack for self punishment and a plethora of commitment issues.”

“Wouldn’t call that classic. You’ve got quite the collection of pain.” He laughed, finding your blunt statement humorous. “Is that why you were so strict on being friends?”

“Yeah, I don’t do the whole dating thing. Divorce usually does that to a person.” You joked, dumping the last of your ice into your new drink and handing the empty to the bartender. “When I met Jake, I was pretty clear about that, but there’s something about him, I guess.”

“And about you, too.” He reminded.

“I thought Jake was on the same page, but we both seemed to blur the lines. We spent so much time together that it would be more strange for us not to fall in love.” You explained. “When he confessed that he had feelings for me, I panicked. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just don’t think I was ready for anything to change. I hurt him, he hurt me, and neither of us were mature enough to apologize.”

“Until tonight.” He corrected.

“Yeah, but then he invited Barbie to drink with you guys.” You grumped, trying to fake cheerfulness as you said the nickname you’d pinned on her.

“May I add some insight?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. You caught his gaze, silently giving him permission to do so. “I don’t think he wanted Barbie to drink with us. I think he wanted you to drink with us, but he didn’t know how to ask. He invited her to piss you off, and that was before you guys talked it out.”

“He sure did piss me off, but he hurt me pretty badly, too.”

“I know, and I’m not defending him.” He wanted to make that abundantly clear. “He’s in love, and love makes him stupid. He doesn’t know how to deal with getting hurt, so he just… doesn’t. Or, he acts like a jerk.”

“You seem to know him pretty well.”

“We didn’t share a womb for nothing.” He grinned. “He’s my twin, but he’s also my best friend. I’ve been there through everything, and I’ve seen it all.”

“So you’re not just a brother of the twin kind, you’re also a friend that is considered the best.” You noted, tipsiness radiating from your statement. You liked the banter that always seemed plentiful between the two of you. It reminded you of your own sister.

“What do you think? Do I make a good friend?” He watched you closely as he waited for an answer. After a moment, you nodded.

“A great one, even.” He smiled at your words and you could not seem to ignore the blush of his cheeks.

“I’m not telling you to go back to him, or to forgive him. Although I would very much like for the two of you to be together, sometimes things just don’t work out. Jake’s a lover by nature, even if he tries to pretend he isn’t, and I know he’s cursing himself as he sits there beside her and not you.”

“Lover by nature?” You inquired, now oddly curious about his life. That was something you never would have pegged him for.

“Oh yeah,” Josh chuckled, the liquor clearly getting the best of him. “He loves to love, and he’s as loyal as a dog. When his last girlfriend broke his heart, he tried to put on this tough act and pretend that love wasn’t his thing. He did the hookups and the failed talking stages, and I think for a while he convinced himself he was truly happy with it. When he met you, I think he realized that happy was the exact opposite of how he’s been feeling for the last year or so.”

“She hurt him pretty bad, eh?” You asked, recalling the pained expression in Jake’s eye the last night you had all went to the bar together.

“That doesn’t even scratch the surface.” He grimaced. “I hated seeing him sad, but I was so happy that he actually left her for good.”

“I wouldn’t hurt him like that.” You didn’t even realize the words that slipped past your lips until it was too late. Josh gave you a sympathetic smile as you scolded yourself for letting such a thing slip.

“I know, mama.” He said, the sincerity in his voice astounding. “Why do you think I like you so much?” Your cheeks turned red at his comment, and you gave him a smile.

“I like you too, Josh.” You mumbled. “Thanks for talking to me. I feel a lot better.”

“I’m glad,” he said, looking past you and over at the pool tables. Sam and Danny seemed to be caught in a game that was headed nowhere. As he did so, you looked back at the booth where Jake was sat with the bubbly blonde. He had moved to the opposite side of the table, presumably so he could get a clear view of you and Josh. When you caught his eye that seemed to be glued to the pair of you, your suspicions were confirmed. You did not hold his gaze, nor did you signal that you even noticed him looking. Instead, you stood and brought Josh into a hug, thanking him for caring enough to check on you.

Envy was not a strong enough word to describe what washed over Jake. Yes, he wished he could be the one that your arms were wrapped around and yes, he desperately wanted to be the person who was listening to the tellings of your heart. More than that, he was furious that Josh thought he had the right to be that person for you, and he was broken at the idea of you allowing him to be. He was reaping the consequences of his own actions, and there was nothing he could do but suffer the wrath of the devil for the sins he had committed.

As you pulled away from Josh, you looked back to the booth and saw Jake leaning over the table to capture his date in a kiss. Your stomach twisted with disgust, and you felt frozen in place. The two of you were caught in a game of pain, but you weren’t even aware you were playing. You did not speak to Josh in hopes of upsetting Jake, but he was kissing her in hopes of hurting you. If you had to admit it, he was doing a fantastic job. Your pain was so loud that you barely heard Josh ask you to join them in playing a game of pool.

When he asked a second time, you mustered a nod as you fought back the urge to vomit. He led you towards the table, but your eyes could not seem to stray from the disturbing scene before you. Jake was fighting a battle that he did not need to fight at all. You had no idea what point he was trying to prove, and no idea why he had the sudden urge to stray further from the love you two were trying to rekindle. As you picked up a pool cue, you decided you did not care. When you lined up the first shot, you both knew you had already won.

He was like poison, drawing you in and burning you with every touch. You loved him so deeply even if you knew he was killing you, and it drove you crazy enough that you would even cause him harm just to hear your name on his lips. You couldn’t bear the thought of not having him, but having him too close always drove you to a bittersweet end. You knew it was time to give him up, but you did not know if you could do that at all. For certain, you knew you could not do it without one last fight.

Even as you tried to convince yourself that you did not care about his actions, the color green was bleeding from the walls. The haze of smog in the room had an emerald hue, and the green velvet of the pool table reflected exactly how your heart was feeling. You were certain that if you looked in a mirror, your skin would be following suit, too. Envy was written all over you, stemming from the unnamed blonde who was wrapped around Jake like he belonged to her. It also grew from the knowledge that Jake was letting her, as if he never had a promise to come home with you at all. You might not have seen it, but when it came to belonging, his heart only lied with you. He was yours, even if he could not express it properly.

What you didn’t see was the green vines that were tangling themselves around Jake’s body, slowly strangling the life out of him as his own envy took hold. He watched as you laughed with his brothers, drinking and carefree while you shot at the balls scattered across the pool table. He wished he could have what they did in that moment; you, with a smile on your face and a laugh stuck on your lips. He wanted you, and everything you had to offer, and he felt like an idiot for letting you walk away this time. He did not want to be in the booth with the girl that meant so little to him, and he did not want his lips on anyone but you. His regret was paralyzing, but his pride stopped him from apologizing yet again.

You were both dying as you stood, and suffering as you watched. Both of you had the power to change, but so much sin had infiltrated your lives that doing the right thing no longer mattered. Any moral, and any idea of right and wrong no longer existed, replaced with wicked evil and blind obedience to a higher power that would ultimately take your life. The devil watched as the two of you sealed your fate, laughing loudly as you walked yourselves into his trap. With one more deadly sin to go, he wondered if the two of you would ever realize your wrongdoing before it was ultimately too late.

The only question that remained was one of fate. How much sin could you commit before punishment was due? You were two people who had been sentenced to a lifetime of imprisonment at the hands of your own godless morale, and you were so blind to your own stupidity that you had not even gone searching for salvation. Better yet, you had not even realized that you were in need of it. When the time came and you were ready to repent, the church would turn you away and laugh in your face.

Religion never seems important until you’ve engaged in so much sin that salvation is no longer an option.

~

you guys didn’t really think I’d be nice enough to let them stay together, especially with wrath as the last chapter? love you 🫶🏻😉

TAGLIST:

@sacredjake @profitofthedune @thewritingbeforesunrise @sacredthethreadgvf @klarxtr @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @freefallthoughts @jaketlover @clairesjointshurt @ageofbajabule @dannys-dream @earthgrlsreasy @starshine-gvf @brujamagik @gvfmarge @ignite-my-fire @twistedmelodies @gretavangroupie @alwaysonthemend @edgingthedarkness @gvfpal @sinarainbows @writingcold @starcatcher-jake @literal-dead-leaf @takenbythemadness @gretasfallingsky @hsfallingsky @freyjalw @itsafullmoon @lyndz2names @blacksoul-27 @i-love-gvf @vikingsisthenewsexy @mp0801 @mindastreamofcolours @indigogvf @sparrowofthedawnsworld @jordie-gvf @cassy-face @highway-tuna @creadliz98 @dancingcarbon @do-it-jakey-baby

[himimosa]

attractive things bsd men do pt. III

you know there are things men do without being aware that makes them look hot (fixing watch, undoing tie to relax) I will try to add some more~

jouno, tecchou

Jouno Saigiku: smirking when he catches you glance

You were walking in a hurry to arrive at the meeting room on time. Unfortunately, you didn't have a stable 9-5 job where the tasks and meetings were clear... If you were working for the government's military department, and especially with the Hunting Dogs department, that basically meant that you had no life... You didn't have regularity with your work hours, you could work on a file even if it was pasts midnight, or leave your house for another one because you had an urgent phone call at 4 am...

It was also not very possible to have a relationship with all these messy schedules, top secret files of government, and very little explanation about your life... But well, any of these were not your problem with your boyfriend, since he was a member of the Hunting Dogs too...

When you arrived in the meeting room, you meant to apologize for being late, but when you saw the scenery, you changed your mind quickly. Teruko was having a breakdown because her last victim was so "weak" that he confessed everything the moment he saw the infamous vice-captain of the Hunting Dogs... She was devastated because she wanted to make him vomit blood and cry!... Fukuchi was (kinda) trying to comfort her but he was no better, you could tell from the shake of his hands that this man was still high and woozy. Tecchou was eating some mixture of food you didn't even wanna question what it was and your poor boyfriend was trying to stop him. When you greeted them, Jouno left Tetchou alone quickly and hugged you

"Babe... I am about to lose it... No one has written these in the job description... And they gave me all these idiots without an instructions guide..."

You chuckled lightly "It wasn't also written that you were going to be my boyfriend... Are you regret that too, Sai?" Jouno opposed "Y/N, you know I didn't mean that-"

When the meeting began, you all started to listen Fukuchi and the other more experienced members. You were only making the explanations when a question is directed to you or the topic comes to your files...

You were mostly staying focused on whoever was talking to take notes. But when the meeting started to get out of the topic (as usual chaotic meetings), you couldn't help but stare at your boyfriend from your eye corner. He seemed focused, with his arms crossed and brows frowned. He made some strict yet sensible comments on how to approach the case on the desk. He was so serious, and you love that about him. He wasn't someone who takes his job or injustice lightly.

When your eyes lingered a little longer than usual, he suddenly smirked lightly with one corner of his mouth. You averted your gaze with surprise. Did he notice you? You were not underestimating Jouno but thinking of his disability, it felt too surreal for a second. You thought it might be a coincidence so you wanted to check again. With your second attempt, he smirked again, this time wider. Now you had to cover your mouth with one hand because you felt your blood rushing to your cheeks.

After the meeting ended and everyone left, you couldn't help but ask: "How?.."

Jouno answered with another smirk but softer this time: "I don't need to see to know you are watching... The sounds of your heartbeats and breath tell me enough darling..."

Suehiro Tetchou: stretching and exercising

You looked at the "thing" on the kitchen stall... You blinked a few times. It smelled rice, egg, caramel, and spice at the same time(?) and some... vegetables you hoped so?... For the last ingredient, you could make sure by tasting of course, but getting food poisoning was not on your today's-to-do list...

"I cooked it for you"

You turned your head to your boyfriend's innocent facial expression. The worst part was you knew he was genuine. This man woke up early to make you a surprise, and looking around the mess of the kitchen, you could really say that he tried...

You sighed and slowly put your hands on his puffed cheeks. Tetchou was sulking, you couldn't help but give him a small peck, he was so adorable right now...

"Honey, I love you and appreciate your work and all, but please step out of the kitchen.."

He only nodded. Which made you feel bad, and you tried to offer something else: "What about you go and make your morning stretch while I make us some coffee? Afterward, we can try together to cook something more... beginner-friendly for dinner?"

He nodded but was more eager this time. He took off his "It's not burnt, it's just crispy" apron, this was a gift from Jouno. He meant to give it as a roast, but Tetchou really liked it in the end. He kinda accepted it as an acknowledgment of his big interest in the kitchen and cooking.

When Tetchou left the kitchen for exercise, you couldn't help but smile behind him. Yeah, the kitchen was a mess, but you could clean it up with him later. Even though he was not skillful in this, he was getting better... The "thing" you were going to eliminate later was so much better than his first attempts at cooking (You were still trembling with the memory of frog eggs... No you don't even wanna remember that one now)

You started to make two cups of coffee, Tetchou's taste habits were getting better too... He used to drink his coffee with soy sauce, just the thought was able to make you gag. But now you knew his little obsessions, so you convinced him to add brown sugar syrup.

When you were done, you went to the room where Tetchou was. He was stretching his back at the moment, shirtless as usual. All his back muscles stretching slowly yet clearly.

You could see that Tetchou was so focused so you didn't want to disturb him. You slowly put the cups on a shelf, only to lean on the door while crossing your arms. It was something else to watch him like this. You knew your boyfriend was not always as sweet and cute as he is with you, he was a soldier. A specialized soldier to be exact, to eliminate all threats to the government and innocent people. He was taking his job very seriously, and as the one having the strongest ability in terms of physical prowess, he was caring about his training and exercises too...

When he was about to do push-ups, he saw you standing at the door, watching him intently. You expected a sarcastic remark for a second, instead, he asked "Can you stand or sit on my back? I feel too light-weighted.."

You hesitated for a second "Are you sure? Wouldn't you hurt your back or something?.."

"Don't worry. Jouno stands with his boots on my back all the time, I don't think you could be worse than him..."

ending notes:

this was the last part of "attractive things they do" series. i like hunting dogs a lot (except fukuchi, that pig can go ahead and die in a pit), so i want to write more for them ♡

the fact that amuse me is, pt 2 almost caught up to pt 1, even though i released it later. is it about characters? i am not sure but i want to think of it like that :D

also next week, i will post a chuuya drabble i guess :3

[nova-streyart]

The Thing about Belos Nobody Mentions

There's an aspect of Belos I haven't seen anyone talk about yet: him potentially being on the schizophrenia spectrum, or schizospec for short, and everything that means. Before you say anything, I am a schizoaffective person. This is my interpretation. This is based off my own experiences with this disorder, and my own research.

Analysis and rant under the cut:

=ANALYSIS=

So this all started when I learned that one of the color design pieces had Caleb and the grimwalkers labelled "Golden Guard Illusion". Artists credited in the image itself.

It's weird to me that they're labeled as illusions and not hallucinations, because the latter is what the ghosts actually are. Illusions are images your brain distorts based off something that's there, while hallucinations are images your brain creates from nothing. The fact that these ghosts are actually hallucinations of Belos and not real ghosts doesn't say a whole lot about Belos on its own, because anyone can hallucinate if they experience intense enough negative emotions. But you'll see why I think there's something more to this.

Following this lead, I rewatched the scene where Papa Titan talks to Luz in the In-Between realm in the series finale. After Luz asks him whether her motivation to save her friends and family makes her just as bad as Belos, she tells her:

"Well, you assume Belos' goal comes from a genuine place. But that man doesn't care about anything but his need to be the hero in his own delusion."

Let me give you a short lesson about delusions in the context of schizospec disorders: Delusions are firmly held beliefs that the person experiencing can't be convinced aren't true. This can be extremely serious and life-threatening, such as as believing all your food's been poisoned. But it can also be harmless; it really depends on the delusion. The type of delusion referenced here would be a delusion of grandeur, which is a real thing in schizospec disorders. Such delusions can be serious, like believing you're the second coming of god, or more harmless, like believing you're better than others.

Taking both the hallucinations and the delusion into mind, it's very possible that Belos has some kind of schizospec disorder.

=RANT=

Let's talk about that scene where Belos goes to the grimwalker cave. Notice how the hallucinations are played for laughs? That's problematic. Hallucinations are not something you can just tell to "shut up" and they'll go away. Hallucinations are not things you can interact with. There's already other media with this problem, such as A Beautiful Mind, but the fact that it's in a show that's supposed to be celebrating neurodivergence is hypocritical.

Let's briefly go back to that Papa Titan quote. See how he used the word "delusion" to describe Belos' motivation?Yeah, that's really problematic in the schizospec community. As mentioned before, delusions can be life threatening, so tossing that word around like it's nothing is really frustrating and insulting. The show should have used a word like "fantasy" to get its point across more effectively if it was implying that Belos has a hero complex.

Continuing this train of thought, it gets worse when you consider how Papa Titan- and in essence the narrative- is essentially ridiculing Belos for experiencing a very intense delusion. Delusions are not something a schizospec person can control. I've already seen the fandom mocking Belos for this quality. It was one of those awful memes with the caption "schizophrenia," and had audio of markiplier doing a bit where he was bantering with an "inner voice". Such memes are awful because they're not real experiences schizospec people go through. They're assumptions about our experiences non-schizospec people make about us.

That would be the worst of it, but no, it gets far worse when you consider a few things:

Belos is the main antagonist. That would be annoying enough, considering the plethora of mentally ill villains in media, but nope. The narrative also treats him as this purely evil being who is incapable of any good whatsoever. Which, OK. It's possible for a schizospec person to be a monster. But the fact that the only schizospec representation we have is either of us as helpless victims, or as irredeemable monsters, is infuriating.

Belos is clearly meant to be a foil to Luz. Which, congrats to the show for having a neurodivergent lead, but let me tell you about some of the hardships schizospec people face: In real life, schizospec people are cast out of mental health advocacy groups. Schizospec people are treated as subhuman by doctors and psychiatrists. Schizospec people are demonized and vilified by society. Schizospec people are denied jobs and housing. With all this in mind the fact the narrative chooses to glorify a character with the "right," the "acceptable," kind of neurodivergence while berating a character with the "scary," the "monstrous," kind of neurodivergence is absolutely disgusting.

=CONCLUSION=

I feel like it has to be said that I am not condoning Belos' actions, or trying to woobify him. Belos, as a person, was terrible. No amount of mental illness tacked onto him will excuse any of his actions.

I'm also not trying to imply that schizospec characters can't be evil. I'm just saying that it's extremely tiresome that the only representation we get is either us as victims or as villains.

To conclude all of this, please, do your research before adding something like this into your story.

[kristihines]

Can you trust AI Answers about your health?

During the summer of 2020, when the entire world was focused on the pandemic, getting treatment for other health issues became a challenge.

I started experiencing a lot of back pain, but I shrugged it off as an injury and took Advil to cope.

A week later, I thought I had food poisoning.

I tried an at-home service where they pumped me full of IV fluids.

I went to urgent care. They sent me to get scans. I paid hundreds of dollars out of pocket to get them quickly.

The imaging place never sent the scans to the urgent care.

A day later, I had the worst chills. It was July, in Phoenix. Most likely 100 F. I went outside and was still freezing.

At that point, I was taken to the ER. I ended up in the ICU in one of those rooms they zipped up in plastic.

While most of the focus was on COVID, I had something else: a large kidney stone. The kind that doesn’t pass on its own.

I was in septic shock and acute renal failure according to discharge papers.

The hospital stay itself wasn’t too long, but the treatment with specialists took three months to complete.

Surgeries during COVID were extra special because if you tested positive, your surgery was delayed.

Two years later, in 2022, I ended up in the same hospital for the same reason.

And now, I’m a few days into aggressive antibiotic treatment for my kidneys, yet again. Wondering if I make it to the next followup or have to Lyft off to the ER.

So what does this have to do with Google AI Answers?

In 2020 and 2022, I spent a lot of time perusing Google Search results on kidney stones.

Now, I get AI Answers above at the top of SERPs (search engine results pages).

This wouldn’t be a bad thing if one could trust the AI to accurately summarize its sources.

That’s the big if.

In the first screenshot, you’ll find an AI Answer from Google Search results for the phrase how to pass kidney stone.

The first mistake involved an error with paraphrasing a source with legitimate information.

Because I can assure you after four years of seeing urology specialists, no one has ever suggested drinking two quarts or liters of urine.

The basil leaves suggestion, on the other hand, is suspect. I’ve never come across that as a suggestion. It would have stood out, because I have a lot of basil growing around the garden.

I don’t even remember that website from my previous Google searches. I had to check Wikipedia and other sources to find out what the company even was.

Much like the search quality raters and AI Answer checkers do...

In the second screenshot, Microsoft Bing with Copilot offered ads for supplements and advice from five sources, two of which are the MSN Health Hub.

The hub includes a section where you can Ask a health professional questions.

In the third screenshot, ChatGPT using GPT-4 with browsing offered a concise response based on its training data, but claimed not to have access to external sources.

In the fourth screenshot, Perplexity provided the best AI Answer with 19 sources I recognized from my previous research into this health issue.

Moral of the story:

You can’t trust generative AI with your money or your life issues.

But if you do, start with the right AI Answer engine. One that cites sources you trust and doesn’t suggest drinking your own pee.

Think of Perplexity as a better starting point for more in-depth research that you can discuss during your next doctor’s visit.

Not as a definitive answer.

Follow @kristileilani on X for more on AI news, trends, and tools.

[sincerelyyellingback]

Just tried Raising Cane's for the first time. It was good! The chicken was very tender and the bread was delicious. But as soon as I finished eating, I started to have gas pain. It got worse and worse until it was the worst I've ever experienced. I farted some of it out, so it's not as bad now, but it still hurts. My stomach feels huge!

Nvm, it got really bad again while I was typing. Fighting for my life on the toilet rn. Might have food poisoning

[viperra1]

I got questions I got questions about vulture a lotta questions! 3, 4, 6, 7, 18, 25, 37, 39

i took so long to answer oh my god sorry!!!!! here it is!!

3. What is their SPECIAL?

Answered here!! <3

4. What perks or tagged skills do they have?

Tagged skills: Speech, Survival

Perks: Terrifying Presence, Animal Friend and Sniper

6. Were they born pre-war or post-war?

Vulture was born post-war, and is close to Boone's and Veronica's age!

Though, there's no trace of his date of birth in his diary and his memory never returns to him, so he doesn't know how old he is. He only knows that he wasn't a ghoul before the Divide, and he knows his approximate age thanks to Ulysses' observation of his pre-Divide self.

7. Do they wish they lived before the war / could go back to life before the war?

Oh yesss, for sure.

It intrigues him, and he would certainly bug Raul and every other pre-war ghoul about that era.

Still, I doubt that Vulture would love the real life before the war (not the one that's just his impression of it), or that he would wish for it for more that few seconds of lazy daydreaming.

Even in those few seconds that he would wish to live before the war, he would probably think about it more like: "Man, I wish I lived before the war, it would've been so cool to not be ghoulified. Right?"

18. Do they have any disabilities, mutations, or implants / enhancements? Do they have any chronic illnesses?

*prepares a list*

So.

He's a ghoul and a Marked One. His skin was literally torn off from his body by radioactive winds. His flesh is slowly decaying and degrading. His left side suffered so much damage during the atom blast that his left eye is about to pop out of it's socket because his eyelids are literally too weak and rotten to hold it.

Y-yeahhhhh...... Even though he probably restored an extremely thin layer of his skin somewhere along New Vegas storyline, his eye will need to be removed. And he's probably suffering from chronic tendonitis or something along the likes of it because of the degrading flesh from ghoulification.

And yes, he has implants in his spine (Old World Blues) and the implants on intelligence, endurance, perception and strength from Dr. Usanagi.

The perception implant, I believe, would be a direct eye and an eyelid implants to replace Vulture's bad eye.

25. Are they quick to trust others?

I'd say yes, but probably not.

Let me elaborate!

Vulture is quick to make you think he trusts you - he's gonna show you his vulnerable side, he's gonna go belly up for you in terms of the rules of the survival in the Mojave.

He's gonna trust a complete stranger with his things and his food and his life, but oh! What's that? Show you his skin without the disguise? Nope. Even Boone saw his truly vulnerable parts just by accident, and even then Vulture took his time to open up to him enough to show it on his own much, much later.

He trusts his fears and insecurities only to his companions and close friends (which are few), but yeah, he doesn't give off the impression of a closed up person. He's quick to open, just not in the way that truly matters lol :D

If it's important, then he's gonna think for a loooooong time before trusting someone.

37. What is the worst injury they have experienced?

If we are not counting The Incidents that were the Divide and the Benny Disaster (and we're not), Vulture was gravelly injured only once.

Sure, he's constantly nursing broken bones and concussions, but it wasn't ever that serious as this.

I won't spoil when exactly it happened, but a Legionary almost gutted Vulture, stabbing him in the torso multiple times with a poisoned blade. That was NOT a fun experience, Vulture almost died, and would have, if not for Boone's quick thinking with stimpacks and healing poiltice AND radiation treatment from a nearby medic.

Vulture hates being healed by radiation because of the rumour that it might turn even sentient ghouls feral, but he certainly would have died from that injury if he were a baseline human (even with the other treatments that he received, only his ghoulish healing factor saved his life).

And the crowd goes... yay?

39. What is their favorite song?

Something's Gotta Give!!!

It's a song that reminds Vulture of his and Boone's relationships, so he listens to it religiously every time it comes up. Tbh, he was in love with that song even before he met Boone.

"That Domino guy is such a prick. How the fuck he managed to create a song as good as this one???", Vulture would say about that song. He has huge beef with Dean after Sierra Madre, but well oh well, a good song never dies in Vulture's loyal heart.

Btw, I made an animatic with this song :) It was just such a good fit for them that in the end I couldn't resist lol

[kalocart]

IEYTD characters and Y/N that has anxiety

Platonic, romantic, take it as you will.

The Handler

He has had his fair share of scares in his field days. But also has had to handle agents panicking in life or death situations.

Would make you some tea and let you talk about it.

If theres no particular reason as to why your in such state, then he reassures you that it's okay.

Of you need silence, he'll give you that, need something to put your mind off of it? He can do that also.

If you ever get a panic attack he would hug you if near by or would calm you down via ear piece if he's far.

Whatever you need he will try his best to help, for thats his job as a handler.

"Whatever you need, im here for you"

Hivemind

Probably the first time he's had to help you with it.

Man is a bit crazed so forgive him for not seeing the signs earlier.

Assuming that you dont mind bees or even might like them considering weather you work or date him. He would get a couple of his bees to swarm you but not harm you in hopes to calm you down with the sound of buzzing.

Would probably bring honey flavored things to you to sheer you up.

Need a distraction, he will talk about the beuty of the bees.

If you get a Panic attack he would be extremely worried. Like get his bees away from you (for the safety of both) and will panic a bit calling out for you. Maybe think your sick or poisoned.

Once he realizes he might call doctor zor for help since he's the closest to a medical profecional.

In the end hes hugging you on the floor affirming you.

"Everything is fine, everything's going to be fine, me and my bees are here for you"

Comander Solaris

She would notice you being a bit more fidgety then normal as you two talk about the latest ship.

She would ask if you wanna talk about it and if not she would ask how she could help.

She would probably give you her desert food ration.

If you get a panic attack, worst in space, she will try to ground you.

If its during a space walk to fix the ship, she will help you and calm you down, maybe give you confidence.

"Y/n. Y/n! Listen. I know you can go through with this, you are part of the team we will be here by your side when you need us"

John Juniper

He can spot it from a mile away.

Its not from personal experience, more of him seeing it on other actors.

He might boast about how he's never experienced it and the show must go on.

But he would still help a fellow member of the cast crew.

Idk he gives me the hunch that if its one of those times where you get anxiety with no reason he would think its stupid but maybe keep it to himself because he doesn't want to make it worst.

He would help you with breathing exercises and telling you he believes in you, weather you just draw up the curtains or one of the actors.

God forbade that you get a panic attack during a live show, worst if your an actor.

He would be frustrated, you signed up for this! The show must go on!

But still, he would grab you by the shoulders and pep you up.

"Listen, you were picked for this roll, and you cant back out now. I trust the producers choice of you being the best for the role. Not better than me but still. I need you to take a deep breath in, and out... okay? Now go out there!"

The fabricator

Depending on how close you are to her.

If its just in the area of work colleagues she wouldn't care. As long as you do your work correctly then its okay.

But if your friends with her its a diferent situation.

Probably take you to a spa for manipeties.

And if you have a panic attack shes preped for any last minute mishap.

She has make up to hide any puffy eyes, hair products for hair, sewing kit on hand.

She would fix you up once you've calmed down. No friend of hers will go out looking like they came out of a tornado.

"Listen, your y/n, and im the fabricator, we are beutiful as we are deadly. The others should think twice of what they say or do to us. Unless they want their watches to self destruct"

Dr. Zor

Genuenly they would not give two shits about your anxiety. Depending on how useful you are they might even prescribe you drugs so you can shut the fuck. (If your on medication then its okay, but mind you, your getting these from a listened psychiatrist who is catering your needs and doses. Dr.zor isnt one and they are an evil dentist so I see them prescribing people random opiets to see what works to shut them up)

But if you get them to actually care for you then its a diferent story

They would have a weighed blanket.

If the anxiety is from fear of dentists they would happily do your treatments personally.

Some tea, relaxing piano, and if you want to they would gladly listen to you or by request would talk about his plans. Maybe ask you for help on simple tasks.

If you ever get a Panic Attack they would go to you and try their best to calm them down. Wrapping you with the weight blanket and tell you to take deep breaths.

"Do not worry, for as long as your with me, nothing will hurt you"

Extra

Agent Phoenix (wasnt gonna add them since technically their us like a y/n but why not)

They do not fear death but understands that others don't have such luxury.

They would try to make you laugh with telekinesis and doing dumb shit.

Although sometimes will make it worst with all the bold stuff they do.

They barely talk, almost not at all but you still know their intentions.

They may spill a bunch of tea using their telekinesis to pour you a cup.

Genuenly the only thing they would be worried of is them being the reason for you getting more anxious or worst giving you a panic attack.

They would calm you down by giving you random stuff that they think you would like, either a sandwish, some tea, one of their golden scorpions. Usually you would get a mess on you but they give them to you by hand in fear of accidentally making a mess.

Like always they calm you in silence.

Idk how to seperate my coment thing so here you go in chat. I hope I didn't messed up in a way, I didn't see any IEYTD head canons so I wanted to put my two scents.

I didnt include characters from the third game since I haven't finished playing it, still looking for the figurine in the 4th level.

I'll try to include them next time, but for now I hope you guys enjoyed this

[northwest-cryptid]

How does one make a grilled cheese complex?

Add like, 12 extra unnecessary steps to add things like meat and eggs while also making the bread into garlic bread instead of just buying garlic bread in the first place.

Do not follow basic cooking instructions because it's 5 AM and you're hongry. Uncooked egg in this bitch. Kinda... cooked egg? It's amazing this shit tastes like heaven to me, I ate half and realized the egg didn't get a chance to cook through fully so there's an unfortunate case of potential salmonella. Now I am left with a decision. There's another incredible half of some grilled cheese there but I might end up hating myself for it if I get sick.

However, I cannot express how much I experienced sheer and pure nirvana upon eating this grilled cheese.

My pain momentarily ceased, and I was suddenly aware of the potential of the grilled cheese. Truths not only unknown to me but unknowable to me now laid before my eyes. I was genuinely, unironically at peace with the universe in that moment. This was without question, without fail; the best grilled cheese I have ever had in my life. There is but one small, insignificant; but potentially very harmful thing... that being potential salmonella.

but was I about to let this stop me from experiencing the bliss of garlic grilled cheese sandwich with egg and meat and seasonings and butter?

Logically I should, but I'm no stranger to food poisoning; I've had it before, I'll have it again; I mean come on what's the worst that could happen.

[can-i-make-image-descriptions]

[Image IDs: Tumblr tags. Image #1: #i literally had auditory hallucinations from age 5 to 15 #when i started getting mental health resources and put on an antipsychotic is when they stopped #it would cause me distress but i was brushed off so much

Image #2: #Yeah looking back I had my first panic attack when I was eight and it was brutal. Like asked the office to cal my parents brutal #and fuck man phobias are an anxiety disorder and fairly common in kids. I've had a severe limiting phobia since I was *two* #it just wasn't seen as important to anyone because it was such a rare phobia

Image #3: #I thought being as anxious as I was was a normal thing and everyone had panic attacks every night before bed

Image #4: #the Mental Illness set in when i was 10 (and my ass definitely had undiagnosed anxiety well before then) #but i didn't get diagnosed with anything until i was 17 or 18 and didn't get seriously treated until in my 20s

Image #5: my mom was mentally ill as a child #took her til 18 to get treatment #i was also a mentally ill child but my bipolar didnt show up properly til i was 13 #still young though and i wouldn't get diagnosed til 21 because no one would listen to me til i tried to cut off my finger in a manic ep #then they were like yah u have bipolar disorder type I rapid cycling. enjoy

Image #6: #yeah. my first attempt was at 7 years old. #somewhat comforting to know i wasnt alone

Image #7: #i was diagnosed with depression at 11-12 #the doctor said i'd clearly been suffering with it for a while at that point #my first panic attack was at around 6-7 #that's also roughly when i first started experiencing psychotic symptoms #turns out it's not normal for a child to think they're constantly being followed by invisible cameras or needing to inspect their food #in case of poisoning #keep an eye on your kids' mental health #Especially if mental illnesses run in your family

Image #8: #my depression was unironically at its worst point in my life when I was 11 years old #my mom said i was just being grumpy because we had moved recently

Image #9: this reminds me of developing schizophrenic at age 7 but not getting help for it until i was 15/16 and even then trying to get help for that #issue in particular was trying to pull teeth out with a cup of water #it was painful and i am still more than a little furious that it took almost a decade for my doctors to realize that i was sick #sorry for venting in the tags im just- we need to listen to kids more in general

Image #10: #also when you're an undiagnosed child people will chalk your behaviours up to personality #then when you continue to feel like shit into your teens and adulthood you and those around you may not realise (or believe you) #a new checkpoint for normality is set at such a young age #so something drastic has to happen to convince anyone that something is wrong #speaking from personal experience with my ed and c-ptsd

Image #11: #yep. have been anxious since i was very small and started having extremely frequent suicidal ideation at 10 #didn't get help for another 9 years after that #in part bc i learnt early that i was Not Allowed to have mental health problems. i was the baby. i was the Good One Without Problems. #so i learnt very well to internalize everything

Image #12: #i wonder what my life would be like if i got depression an anxiety treatment when they started #i think my depression started when i was around 9. i genuinely dont think there was a time i didnt have anxiety #like im not joking my first memories are anxiety #wouldve been great if they noticed the root cause (autism) but honestly if they just treated the anxiety itself #id probably be so much better. grieving the childhood i couldve had etc

Image #13: #i've spent most of my life suicidal with no improvement and nobody has ever taken me seriously #which i think has pretty effectively ruined my life

Image #14: #ya as someone whose earliest (that i remember) psychotic symptom was when i was 9? who still doent have a diagnosis at 21? #it's so annoying that no one.. listens. when a kid is mentally ill. #my friends thought i was just really creative at playing pretend which. was not helpful lol. for my mental health.

Image #15: #oh yeah i started showing symptoms of depression at age 10 and i was actively suicidal by the time i was like 11 #kids arent immune to mental illness you just want to Think that they are

Image #16: #yeah i had depression for quite literally as long as i can recall

Image #17: #yeah i.....i had anxiety since i was maybe 6 and used to have really bad panic attacks #probably had ptsd since i was 8 or 9

Image #18: #i should have been diagnosed with something at the age of five and i mean this without a shred of irony #hell even if you waited until i was nine! (when the symptoms became Much more apparent) #normal children do not have deep seated fears about the light being on in the hallway at night #nor do they write thinly veiled poems about suicide #and those two alone should have warranted some exploration by the adults in my life

Image #19: #yeah im lucky my parents got me help. However. They diagnosed me with depression. and gave me. epression medicine. When I was having anger #outburts. They took me out of it years later and very little changed

Image #20: #i started experiencing psychosis at the ripe old age of 8 #(well. that was wgen i had my first delusional episode. its likely i had experienced psychosis before then.)

Image #21: #some of my earliest memories were of trying to poison myself /End IDs]

There's this idea, fairly common in society, that mental illness is for teens and up. Children are happy little creatures, generally, right? Sometimes they're abused and the trauma can make them mentally ill, but that's not common.

There are two fundamental problems with this attitude. One, it's incorrect to assume that trauma is the only reason a young kid can be mentally ill. Two, trauma is more common than people think. I'll be covering the first problem in this post through the lens of my particular experience.

Where I live, you can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 years old. You cannot be diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a minor. This poses a problem because my age of onset was in first grade, roughly six years old. Because of the fact that I was very young and new to the world, this was also the age of my first suicide attempt. Thinking I wouldn't be able to pass a spelling test genuinely felt like something worth trying to die over. So, I ate some hemlock, since I'd read about Socrates being killed with it. Luckily, I ate western hemlock, an unrelated species, and just felt kind of sick.

I'm not recounting that for fun or pity. I'm recounting it because children with mental illness are in genuine danger because they have little to no experience with managing their emotions, have little to no concept of the idea that their life can change and improve, and are dismissed by adults. I told a teacher that the test made me want to die, though not that I'd attempted to, and it was brushed off as little kid hyperbole. If I had used a method that was effective rather than one I thought would be, I would have been dead at six years old.

I would not receive medication that worked even a bit for another two years. I would not receive treatment for bipolar disorder specifically for ten years, and that required my PCP fudging the reason for the medication because she was afraid I would die if she didn't, and diagnosis was still two years off at minimum. I received a formal diagnosis at age 19, thirteen years after onset.

But surely that's uncommon, right? This story is a huge edge case, right? I actually have no idea, because age of onset and age of diagnosis are massively conflated for most disabilities. Policies like the one in my area that restricted bipolar diagnoses by age can artificially raise the age of "onset", in my case by thirteen years. The general idea that children are somehow immune to mental illness can also delay diagnosis by several years, perpetuating the idea that young children can't be mentally ill. The data on when people start experiencing mental illness is inherently skewed upwards, and I frankly don't have a good estimate on how bad that skew is. If anyone does have that data, please chime in.

Listen to children. If they're saying they're sad all the time, that they don't care about anything, that they don't see a future for themselves, those are signs of depressive symptoms. If they say that tests make them feel sick, that they can't do anything because they're scared, that they can't breathe and freeze up, those are signs of anxious symptoms. Many children talk about imaginary things, and that's just fine, but slip in a question or two about them to make sure that the kid is just playing, and not experiencing psychosis.

Children are new to the world and vulnerable, and they don't know what's normal and what isn't. They need people who are more experienced watching out for problems they might be having, and listening when they talk about having problems. If you can, try to be the person who perceives them, and tells them that things can be better.

[mollymattison629]

Canning Food and Botulism

The Fifth Season - Post 3

10/29/2018

!!!! Possible Spoilers Ahead !!!!

On Wednesday, October 3rd, I attended a Food Safety Talk podcast recording at the recommendation of Dr. McCoy. While I was there, the speakers answered a question about how long imperishable food can last and when we should be worried about it. This reminded me of Chapter 9 in N. K. Jemisin’s The Fifth Season where Alabaster gets poisoned by badly canned food and I was curious as to how accurate Jemisin’s description of faulty canning practices could be. Turns out, she likely did some research.

When Alabaster is briefly paralyzed after eating some bad food Syenite recalls, “When she was a grit, she did kitchen duty sometimes, and every once in a while they would open a jar of fruit or vegetables that had gone bad. The funky ones, those that had cracked or come partially open, were so foul-smelling that the cooks would have to open windows and set some grits on fanning duty to get the stench out. But far worse, Syen had learned, were the jars that didn’t crack. The stuff inside them looked fine; opened, it didn’t smell bad. the only warning of danger was a little buckling of the metal lid” (The Fifth Season, Jemisin, 169). As a grit, Syenite learns that a faulty canning job can turn the contents of a jar into poison.

I decided to look it up. The CDC says that faulty canning techniques can cause botulism, “A rare but potentially deadly illness caused by a poison most commonly produced by a germ called clostridium botulinum.” Additionally, the CDC says that botulism “can affect your nerves, paralyze you, and even cause death.” Other symptoms of botulism include double and/or blurred vision, drooping eyelids, slurred speech, Difficulty swallowing, a thick-feeling tongue, dry mouth, and muscle weakness. Alabaster certainly experienced, what I would say is, the worst of the symptoms.

When reading this passage of The Fifth Season, I didn’t originally wonder how accurate the occasion was, nor did I know about botulism in the first place. Learning about how these characters, who at times may seem far away, are affected by something that can also affect my everyday life was interesting and important to me.

[scentedchildnacho]

And thats the monster to women and children but if breeding women into giant frankenwomen were secular they could truly be huge anti semites that try to kick two year old little girls like a football if their crack privilege doesn't come in

But if women could join the military it would start killing off small churches morally

Napoleon

The union conscription and the Yankees would need to steal everything from southern homes.....

I was like God the mission inn is the worst hotel I have ever seen......the marriot is like emancipating and liberating in comparison and that's those psych meds are violent like union conscription

So the woman at project touch that kept trying to kill herself of insomnia white lead paint and try to poison us also......does it because she hates Wisconsin

Now I understand the fragmented apology for wanting to kill us before finally hit with something worse

And that lady believes killing us is a mercy to us

The worst food poisoning though the most horrendous agricultural disaster was out of Wisconsin though

The young lady who told me she is Mexican told me I smell and that she wanted to chemically torture me so her pimp would fixate on me not her anymore her self defense plea was a lot more straight forward

People like me want China to reform public health care systems that's true we all had a sick smell and consumer items do not treat any disease

And people like them apparently have something to fear from China like nuclear weapons because they preferred I die before suffer something

The cahuilla speaker I saw told me his mother was some white lady.....so I don't know but are there anonymous white lady graves under the mission inn I suspect so

The old lady that tried to poison me at project touch and herself she did smell like she had been left in a holocaust continuity nursing home that was indelicate and uncaring about her adult diaper potentials.....wasn't China panda 🐼

Yea project touch was discordant it was a very petty place about suicidality and I left I'm not comfortable with forced suicide it's an important and real decision

Huge for their age tomah military athletics has really beat me up my whole life and so they sure aren't ever going to be sorry and that's why hackers are never gone from the mission inn

I wasn't sure why the general population doesn't care if machine hackers go at main Street and now I know why that man was satanic and monstrous and I don't want edifices to financial oppression around either

He sold growth hormones to women .....tomahs are huge for their age....

There isn't wealth in any commodity it's all socialized trades in women or modern slavery is how he made his wealth and I don't want edifices to my rape and humiliation either

I don't know a lot of the beater creep meanness of California is really son of a bitch to be around......

Maybe that old lady at project touch fears China because her son was an aggressive white racist

Elie weisel that old lady at project touch was maybe one of the remaining ones we may like and understand for research

But I think she was in clinics a long time as a bitch and if you have had to have psych meds induced heart attacks over five times.....you can't then control aggression anymore she was a bitch to her black allied aid and never could be free from multi cultural dictatorship

And that's my Toronto teacher......just said that that attempted torture and kill at project touch was about their belief that everyone should truly understand deep intimacy.....

Their humanoid cult believes torture and cruelty truly liberates them to experiencing true intimacy with others

Lead paint the arts and truly able to take street drugs now.....gay book at the jary bareto house....and she would spend time with under the bridge and become like them

Selena Mexican mafias kill chicks they hate chicks

But his mentality is from before the wall CPS

Its a chick and they hate it truth is he kills guys truth is they kill chicks

Harada house.....the supreme Court....they would accuse the Japanese of afflicting poor whites with low quality dump stuff......and it was this white man that turned whites into pornos that would need fair employment as though a subjective aristocracy

Tomah military chicks are huge she is obese and so needs 🆔 to steal my groceries

Mr. Haradas house just wasn't finished for the tour that's too bad

Fetal alcohol syndrome bovine growth hormone.....the hertas.....the big moronic type

Hertas....hurts ...they wanted to traffick pueblo tribes to servant them

Hurts providing for the troops

This situation kind of fixates me on the woman from the house of the Lord who was trapped in the Wisconsin winter till domestic abuse.....I don't know her path of life husband is a devious man who when she is not around does things to cause her reputation to become questionable and she appears to be straight forward otherwise

Her self defense about path of life remaining unfunded with staff that tries to hit is she is Afghanistan veteran like she doesn't lucidly understand what happened to her she was homeless had to make due with what she had was then domestically abused and told she didn't have anything unless she returned to Riverside where she is from and then her job was path of life

I've researched what a Christian shelter is and this was designed to cause a suicide homo hate place.....no one likes pushy people for proxemics no one wanted intimacy to be researched as really hit quick pushy people

But her husband makes these very tyrranical evil speeches before dinner from maybe a psychiatrist that convinced 500 of his adherents to suicide

He tells us we can't go anywhere in Riverside or cops will rape and kill us

He tries to prolong thought about other peoples bodies before eating like shower all the time ya know not the time and place for things

Its like everything most depressed and awful people expect a shelter to be her husband will do it

I don't understand that she appears to mostly be at fault of normalcy and doesn't deserve someone who behind her back self destructs and can't be relied on to live or help the partnership

I was like I don't know that's really sad one domestic abuse story to a different one....

I did notice that she was welcome in Wisconsin because after it all she got her daughter and to her baby she is very with.....and only her baby

I don't know he behind her back could have affairs or just be kind of depressed and irresponsible but instead he starts wanting to holocaust perform

The black security guards at shelter are aggressive and scary to us these days trying to quickly push doors in our face or trying to use the metal detector wand in quick jerky movements like a hit near our bodies....

I use to find black men as a generality to crazy and fucked up to care about anyone other then their selfish strategy and a live and let live attitude but these days they have become this scary raid social justice problem

Those black men are really little for black men so apparently it doesn't feed here

Jhumpa lahiri ....it hates and blames the states and wanted to hit my boobs with a metal detector

And that's if black men cannot be at least five ten with a strong build and in vogue demeanor they prefer killing people in the states

And that was explained as Rodney King....black men as police violence prefer batons so they battered Rodney so the black community would also fear that

If it's sending messages to white folks that they will metal baton old ladies then they can feel I guess that it can happen to them

I don't know it's kind of pathetic to see someone that could as a job professionally fight prefer to beat up old ladies

I mean the little old ladies are homicidal but I'm sorry it's a little old lady and she doesn't deserve a young man or gross old fat ugly middle age man thinking it may hit her or discipline her about it

[eldritchsurveys]

1208.

Do you ever get super bad buzzing in your ears? >> I don't. The other day I had a random short-lived tinnitus episode for the first time and I have learned that that is thee most annoying shit ever fucking invented. Hope that never becomes an actual condition for me. Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? >> I do not.

What is so wrong with cigarettes? >> The cancer risk is pretty dire. Also, they stink and they make you and your house etc stink.

Did you celebrate Fathers Day? >> Absolutely not.

Do you actually think you’re funny? >> Sure, sometimes. It takes skill to be funny on command, but being funny on occasion is something everyone's capable of doing.

Have you ever had a deep conversation with someone who was high on anything? >> Of course. It's one of my favourite things to do.

Do you ever wonder if there really is someone who can complement your personality well enough to stay together for the rest of your life? >> No, I don't wonder that. There are several implications about this statement that don't jive with my personal desires or worldview -- although it doesn't mention romance, I can tell it's referencing the monogamous romantic/domestic union ideal that I don't at all subscribe to. I am married but in my view this domestic arrangement is incomplete without a third; most of the dissatisfaction I feel in my domestic arrangement is because I have complex and varied needs that this person cannot provide for, which would be accounted for with a third person of somewhat different disposition. When I have needs conflicts with a person, my inclination is to find another source for that need, not discard the one person because they cannot be all things to me. In conclusion, no, there is no one who can "complement my personality" well enough to be the sole source of intimate relational contact for my entire life, and that's a feature, not a bug.

Do you hate how being bisexual is like a trend? >> This isn't a thing. Next.

Have you ever gotten a professional massage? >> I have not. I don't feel comfortable with a stranger having that much contact with my body.

Do you have a good relationship with your first love? .

What is something you’re currently nervous about? .

Do you have a popup blocker installed on your computer? >> I have uBlock Origin.

Do you feel like you have life figured out? >> I wasn't aware I was supposed to be "figuring out" life. And here I was just living it like some kind of noob.

Have you ever used a laptop in a coffee shop? >> Sure. What was the last worst feeling you felt? >> I did have food poisoning last month. That was a lot of worst feelings, physical and emotional. Do you ever tend to over-analyse? >> I have a penchant for rumination, yeah.

Do you know anyone that like, no matter WHAT, they’re always pissed off? >> I don't know anyone like that.

How do you react when you’re pissed off? >> It depends.

What celebrity did your most current ex resemble? . What is something creepy that has happened to you (or someone you know) recently? . If you named your car or family car, what would you call it? .

What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? .

What does it take for someone to earn your trust? >> There are many forms of trust, and the ways to earn different forms of trust are varied, as are the ways to lose it.

Is there anything you should be worried about? >> What does this even mean? Either I am worried about something or I'm not. If I'm not worried about it, then why would I insist to myself that I should be worried about it? Make it make sense. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? >> I am not.

Do you think you should fight for love? >> I'm gonna need an example of this. Are you experiencing problems within a current relationship? >> Not as far as I can tell, aside from the stuff in my own mind.

When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? .

How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? . Do you ever go shopping with your parents (not including grocery shopping)? . When the weather is chilly but humid, what kind of things do you tend to wear? >> This is the bane of my existence. I choose to dress more for the humidity than the temperature, but this isn't ideal, it's just... lesser of two evils, I guess. When you’re walking somewhere, do you bring an iPod to listen to? >> I use my phone for music, but yeah, same principle.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder before? How did it affect your daily life? >> I have not. That's the last damn thing I need. Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience: >> I've had it twice and the experience is fucking awful, I'm sure I don't need to describe it to anyone. Have you ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk? What did you think? >> A long, long time ago. Long enough ago that at this point it's basically like I've never read him at all. How do you tend to amuse yourself on long car journeys? .

Do you find that caffeinated or alcoholic drinks make you pee more than normal? >> This is not a phenomenon I've observed. Like, yeah, when I've been out drinking I will pee more, but that's because I've ingested more liquid per hour than I usually do, not because of some magic property of alcohol that makes me pee more.

How often do you need to charge your phone and iPod (on average)? >> Every 24 to 48 hours, I guess. Do you still enjoy watching Disney movies? >> There is no "still" because I didn't see most Disney movies until I was an adult anyway (the only one I recall seeing as a child was The Lion King). I have enjoyed most of the ones I've seen.

What are some interests you have in common with your parents? .

How old were you when your parents trusted you to stay home alone all day? >> I was never allowed to do this. Ever. How long do you like to date someone before you bring them home to meet your parents? .

If you could go to one country for two weeks, all expenses paid, where would you go and why? >> I mean, any.

Do you drink more or less water than is recommended? >> I don't know or care. I'm just trying to drink as much as I can whilst also not making a big fucking deal out of it, because that won't help.

Do you like taking walks? >> I do. I would prefer a less populated area to walk in, but hey.

Do you go on vacation with your family a lot? Where was the last place you went? .

What do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? Do you agree with them? >> He was very conservative about them and I have never in my life agreed with that.

Which is the funniest name you’ve ever heard? >> This morning I was on Reddit and on the city sub there was a missing-person post for a girl named Penelope Wise. But her nickname was Penny. Penny Wise. 🎈

What are your religious beliefs? Are these the same as your parents’? >> I am a god cosplaying as a person for a while. That's my religious belief. Next question.

Do you find it difficult to get to sleep early when you have to be up for something the next day? >> Sometimes my mind gets hung up on the "having to be up early the next day" thing and anxiety is the death of a good night's sleep, so...

Do you still enjoy coloring in coloring books? >> Sure.

Do you remember the Land Before Time movies? Who was your favorite character? >> I've never seen them. What’s your favorite genre of book to read? .

Who has more influence over your taste in music - friends or family? .

When someone talks to you constantly, do you get fed up and easily irritated with them? >> If this were to happen to me, yeah, I'd definitely get irritable after a while. That's just overstimulating. Are you one of those people who texts back instantly? >> I respond to messages as soon as I see them, usually.

Do you think going to college / university is the best option after you’ve left school? >> It certainly wouldn't have been for me.

Is it easy to sleep late in your house, or are other people pretty noisy in the mornings? >> It isn't easy for me to sleep in my house, period, because I have an upstairs neighbour with an erratic schedule. Sleep at night, be woken up by him. Sleep in the day, be woken up by him. Lose/lose.

Do you prefer watching movies alone or with other people? >> I wouldn't say I have a preference. Like, if someone wanted to watch a movie with me, that's fine and acceptable. I just usually watch them alone because... that's the situation I'm in. But also it is easier to focus on more dense movies when I don't have someone else's presence constantly nagging at me.

What’s your favourite place to get pizza from? .

Do you ever do something, and then wonder how many people are currently doing the same thing as you? >> This might have been a passing thought I've had once or twice, idk. When’s the last time the power went out in your house? >> Last month sometime. Is there a laundry basket in your room? If yes, what color is it? >> I have a collapsible hamper, it's white mesh.

Do you like those different flavored Tootsie Rolls? >> I do not.

Do you keep your shoes on a shoe rack, or just throw them somewhere? >> I have five total pairs of shoes and they're just lined up against the wall by my wardrobe.

Think of the last verbal argument you were in; what caused it? . Does your refrigerator have one door or two? >> Two, one for the freezer and one for the fridge...

Do you smoosh bugs, or just let ‘em go? >> I let them go about their business. Every time I've smooshed a bug it's been by accident -- like the other day when I was walking and a gnat flew right onto my lip and got stuck there and of course brushing it off just kills it because they're fucking. impossibly tiny.

Do you know anyone who collects stamps? >> I do not.

What was the last thing you deleted off of your computer? >> A PDF I had downloaded a long time ago that I finally paged through and decided I didn't want to keep.

[snake-habitat1]

why don’t we talk about how painful food poisoning is? this is quite literally the worst stomach pain i have ever experienced in my life.

[tokoyamisstuff]

metanoia, ch. 1

Sinister! Stephen Strange x Reader

!MoM Spoilers Ahead!

[meh-ta-noy-ah] - Greek (n.) the journey of changing one's mind; heart; self; way of life; spiritual conversion...

...or in other words: A story in which Sinister! Strange gets the Happy Ending he deserves.

Warnings: Slight Choking, Descriptions of Blood and Injury, Mentions of Mental Illness A/N: This Fic is heavily inspired by one of my favourite Strange Authors out there, @strangeprincex-writes! They also wrote a similar Story about Strange Supreme from the What If... Series, which you can read ->here<-

"Goddammit" you silently cursed as you first took in your new surroundings, which seemed to be absent of any life.

This wasn't the first time you had entered a world that had quite literally been erased from existence, and it never failed to both concern and astonish you.

Over the years of your life as an interdimensional traveler, you had witnessed quite a fair share of disasters: Dying planets, whole worlds at war, chaos spreading across the galaxy to an extend that would leave countless in a state of irreparable devastation.

Inversions however were phenomenoms that surpassed human understanding.

They brought about the destruction of every single lifeform in the respective reality, all ceasing to exist with no escape just like that. Natural laws would be nullified, the ceasing remains of this doomed place being the last and only evidence of a once flourishing world.

While many questions about the loosely strung realities remained unanswered, one thing you knew for sure about the so-called Inversions:

They were absolute.

Without even the concept of time preserving, an inversion-strickened world was damned to stay in this state of pure nothingness for all eternity - as a warning testimony of this fragile concept some called the Multiverse.

"So no food here, huh..." you thought, rubbing your belly to soothe an achingly empty stomach.

While you were able to create gateways and travel between the different realities at will, conjuring those pathways put a huge toll on your body.

You had transported yourself here with the last ounce of strenght, now left needing to recharge your power until you could jump on to a more inviting part of the Multiverse.

For now however, you'd need to endure this oppressing environment and pass some time by yourself.

At least nothing was out of the ordinary until now, and even though this world was very much dead and left in disorder it was not hostile - unlike others you had encountered.

Because as much as the possibilities of the Multiverse were temptating, crossing those paths brought forth great dangers for a visitor.

Some civilizations might be completely underwater, others were inhabited by dangerous creatures or even had a poisonous atmosphere. Laws and logic as you knew it meant nothing in some places, having experienced things that you couldn't even describe in words.

So you could proudly call yourself a surviving expert at this point, the little sorcery you've learned always being your one and only steady companion on your ongoing travels.

Ultimately, ending up in an abandoned world wasn't the worst possible option, considering you wouldn't have been able to escape immediately shall the environment not be compatible with your biology.

Some peace and quiet would do you good, you concluded.

Though you knew the city of New York from several other earths you had visited, it currently was like seeing it through a black and white filte as you aimlessly dragged yourself along the empty streets.

Finally you left the ruins of the city behind you, reaching what was once the harbor. Even though you could live without nourishment for several days, water was a essential shall you need to stay here for a while.

You crouched down where the land met water, using what little magic was left in your body to open up your own personal pocket dimension. A basic spell that came in handy more often than not, since you had filled it with all kinds of necessities over the time.

Most of your knowledge in the mystic arts revolved around survival instead of battle, though you knew a trick or two to your own self-defense. Yet sadly, casting healing magic had never been your forté, but a first-aid kit was also part ofyour inventory.

Mentally rummaging within your magical luggage, you pulled out a bottle to fill with the salty liquid. One snap of your finger and great concentration changed it's properties so it would now be harmless to drink, and you poured down the bottle in one go.

Only when the fresh water ran down your throat your body and your body began to relax, you were able to perceive the one and only light source in contrast of the otherwise sombre ambience.

There was a sole building in the middle of the shore, surrounded by the dust of an ever dissolving matter, making it appear as if covered in a thick mist.

You could've sworn to have briefly seen a silhouette behind the huge round window, and sense just the slightest magical aura surrounding the ancient structure - though whether the quality of it's source was of good or vile nature was hard to distinguish.

Nonetheless, with no better options you went forth to still your curiosity.

Never before you had crossed paths with a survivors of an Incursion, but your brief interactions with the Watcher made you learn that only the person responsible for a universe's doom could remain.

Most of the guilty chose to end their lives immediately after the incident however, unable to endure the consequences of their own actions.

So maybe it was another traveler? Yet you had never before met anyone like you, and the possibilities of two so incredibly seldom creatures to appear at the same spot were close to impossible.

Anyways, you had always strived for knowledge and experience, so whoever - or whatever - was waiting up there would be more than enough to quench your addiction for thrills for a while.

The entrance was sealed by a thick wooden door, with several indecipherable runes carved into it. An eldritch magic, you knew that much, most likely to keep out unwanted intruders.

However as soon as you hesistantly reached out for the handle, ignorant of the possible risk, the heavy gateway swung open by itself with an ear-piercing creak.

There was nothing at ground level except for a brittle staircase and the ocean stretching behind it through a collapsed wall. From what little information you could gather around here, you recognized this location as connected to the mystic arts, with relics and tombs scattered everywhere.

A huge crescent moon at the horizon was menacingly following your every step, and you wondered if you had just mistaken it's light for something else.

But then the door behind you slammed shut and undeniable noise from upstairs drang to your ear, the unexpected commotion frightening you to the bones.

There was still the ocean as possible escape route, but unable to saw it's depht you were dreading what would happen if you were to swim in an unknown body of water. Without natural laws applying here it could change it's properties randomly, making you fall or freezing you to death.

So there was no going back now, and with no better options than finding out who your host might be, you began your ascend of those sheer countless stairs.

The upper floor was covered by dust and absent of any light, making you wonder if someone might actually live in here. But then again, this universe doesn't follow any known logic.

Rule no. 1 about interdimensional travels: You know nothing.

With time not being a valid concept anymore, you did not know how to properly greet whoever was waiting for you, so you stuck with a plain. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Stop." The unexpectedly human voice made you jump, and though it sounded just as frightened as you, you froze in your tracks right on spot. "Not a single step further."

The source of this voice was that of a man, who was slowly descending from yet another floor - and he was just as you imagined a survivor of an incursion to be: Pale, ridiculously so. Disheveled, fitting right into this greyish-dark world he had most likely created himself...

...and his expression incredibly forlorn.

Certainly, this was the face of a man broken by fate itself.

Even though you did not know this person, your heart was breaking for him already. Just how many lonely eons had he spent trapped in this pointless eternity, mourning what could never be retrieved?

The thought alone drove you crazy, and bitter tears stung in your eyes as he continued his interrogation.

He was clutching the handrail of the stairs, eyeing you warily as his baritone voice asked "Who are you? What are you?"

"I-I..." You felt ridiculous, really. Weeping for a stranger whose intentions you couldn't be sure of yet. "My name is Y/N. Forgive my intrusion, but I have no ill intends. But i am lost in..."

"...the Multiverse?" His voice was barely above a whisper now, wavering and gravely concerned. Well, for him there were obviously soulcrushing memories connected to it. "What brings you to my lair, then?"

You shrugged. "Coincidence, I suppose. Just a humble traveler on my way through."

"To where?" The man came closer now, and your stance stiffened in defense. Better safe than sorry. "I don't know. Just always keeping on to go forwards, I guess."

Behind him was a balconry leading to vast nothingness, like a portal or black hole sucking in everything it touched. If it wasn't for the tragic story behind it, this would actually be a sight to behold.

But then abruptly, his face dropped into something more sinister. He seemed irritated, angry even at dropping his guard like this.

Your appearance had almost raised a naive hope that was still buried deep inside, an ember awaiting patiently to be re-ignited.

In the end however, this was too good to be true.

A vein was pulsating on the top of his head, witness to his intense brooding. He would burying his face into his hands and frantically rubbed his eyes as if to remove a stain, yet when he looked at the spot you initially stood again, you still hadn't moved an inch.

You were just one of his occasional hallucinations, a cruel hoax his own strickened mind used to fill the all-embracing emptiness.

Well, it be like that if you have lost your sanity during an eternal solitude. It was by far not the first time that he had been haunted by ghosts of the past, though over time his episodes became more abstract.

"Get lost" he spat as he approached you with firm steps, thinking that what was left of his soul was simply playing tricks on him again.

"Wha-why?!" You tried to reason with the man that ignored you out of a sudden, walking right past and certain you would soon disappear. "Wait!"

Your initial compassion would immediately dissolve into thin air as you tugged on his sleeve to make him stay, thus startling the overwhelmed man.

A third eye had opened on his forehead, all three of them wide in shock as he found his hand on your throat, black-ditched fingertips boring predatorily into your windpipe.

The immense malefic energy flowing through his body was now visible to you in form of a purple aura, it's origin stemming from the book that was buckled onto his belt.

Because he was physically much stronger as you, there was no other way but to use the little spare magic that you had left inside of you. One punch to his chest and the star-shaped force sent a tremor through out his body. He involuntarily let go off of you as the shockwave separated the two of you, the jolt sent him flying a safe distance away.

"You're not human" A statement, not a question. You panted visibly strained, already regretting using this much force just because you were afraid and didn't concentrate.

"Oh, what a feisty little thing you are. But I guarantee you, I very much am human." A dark chuckle filled the room, echoing against the shadowy walls. Seems as if you had caught his interest. "You however...not entirely."

The man clicked his toung as he pulled himself up from the floor, a few scattered books and a broken table you had thrown him on. Still, he looked at you mystified rather than resentful.

Your lip was pursed into a thin line as he locked eyes with you again, grinning from ear to ear. "Touching someone who hasn't seen a single soul in forever was a bold move, are you aware of that?"

This person right there is nothing more than a homicidal maniac, you thought. And no matter what had happened for him to become this way, he was truly beyond help.

You on the other hand were completely and utterly helpless against this powerful foe, trapped in an unknown universe with no magic and no one coming to your aid.

With entering this building and crossing paths with him, you had most likely conjured your own downfall...

...ultimatively however, instead of attacking you once again the man submissively bend down his head.

"My apologies. Your sudden advance was uncalled for, but my brute reaction was inexcusable."

Your bottom lip was trembling as your jaw dropped, and yet the man seemed sincere in his demeanor. His gaze wandered down to the arm you just punched him with. "...you're bleeding."

"Oh, this?" The shirt you were wearing was practically drenched in blood by now, and you silently cursed yourself for accidentally having reopened it. "That's an old wound."

"It's not an old wound if it never had the time to heal" he spoke as if he knew exactly what he was talking about. Metaphorically spoken, at least.

The sorcerer would only hesistantly dare to approach you, like one would do to gain a hurt animal's trust. It would be for the better if he thought you to be capable of more destruction shall he misbehave, so you balled your fists, small sparks emmitting from them. "What do you know, are you a doctor?"

"I was." Out of everything, that statement caught you by surprise. "Please sit down, I promise upon the little honor I have left that I won't hurt you."

Albeit all of the red flags, you decided that this person right here was still your best option.

If he wanted you dead, then you couldn't do anything against it in your current state. He could do so with a flick of his fingers and at any time he wished.

"How am I supposed to trust you if I don't even know your name?"

"Doctor Stephen Vincent Strange." What an odd name, you thought as he pulled out a chair for you with his telekinesis. But then you looked at him puzzled as the dots in your head connected. "Wait, like the Doctor Strange? Like the Sorcerer?"

"I've left that behind me a long time ago" he answered in an esaggerated sigh, trying to avoid further questioning. Yet you pried on to distract yourself from the pain. "I imagined you differently, to be honest."

"Why that, did you meet a variant of me?" To be perfectly honest, he could very well understand - for he was only a shadow of his former self.

What's left of the former hero was if only just the worst aspects, due to his wrongdoings, failures and the corruption of the darkhold that caught him in a downward spiral.

If anything, his madness was protecting what was left of himself from the crippling loneliness and guilt.

"Nope." You cut yourself off with a hiss, the antiseptic feeling like it would burn a hole into your back. Strange looked almost empathetic to your physical pain, yet coated himself in silence.

Why can't he just fix it with magic? The man seemed almost allmighty in your opinion.

"Just heared a lot about you. Oh, and one of your friends tried to arrest me once. Pong?"

"Wong" he corrected you harshly at the vivid remembrance of his old friend, yet busied himself with working on the huge tear that went from your shoulder down your clavicula. "Who did this to you?"

"I honestly can't tell. I have never before met a creature like this. It was two universes before I ended up here."

"I've studied you travelers long ago, when I still had hope to escape this place." The next sentence he spoke barely audible, facing the ground as if ashamed. "Once, I even absorbed the powers of one of your kind."

As cruel as his words were, as much did you know that he was no threat to you - especially since he already possessed your powers, as it seemed...

...and still, he would never be able to leave to another universe, let alone stay there without causing an inversion. What a farce.

"Travelers are unique across the Multiverse. None of you is alike, neihter do you have any variants." You figured that much already, yet it was nice to have it confirmed for once. "It must be wonderful to just exit one world and enter another. Being able to do whatever you please and just find a similar world without having to face the consequences of your own actions. You could leave behind all of your mistakes and be re-united with your loved ones..."

You quietly heared the absentminded man speak his mind until he was done with his handywork. Letting a hand run over the fresh bandage, you thanked him before sheepishly shying away from the necessary proximity.

There's no such thing as keeping something forever, let alone a happily ever after. That much you wholeheartedly believed, as painful as it may sound.

But you can't be disappointed if you don't expect anything, right?

"It's nothing like that" you snorted almost amused, "Quite the opposite, even."

"How that?"

"When I was young and my powers manifested, my journey involuntary begun. I sent my parents away on accident, where to I don't know. But if they haven't been killed instantly by whatever universe I've sent them to..."

"...then they died through the inevitable inversion that follows their presence." When Strange ended the sentence for you, he gained a frown in return. "Yeah, thanks for clearing that up."

As if you didn't already know. And even if by some miracle they did survive until now, the Multiverse is too excruciatingly huge to ever raise your hopes of reuniting with them.

Still, that was probably what made you keep going.

"Can you visit your origin universe somehow?"

Even though you did not know why, but you answered all of his questions truthfully. Shouldn't he already know, for he had robbed one of your species of their powers and used it for himself?

Maybe asking about your story was just his way of being polite, though obtrusive. Surely this man was just glad to have any real conversation with someone, no matter the topic.

"Well, I don't know about your personal experience, but I can travel back to every universe I have stepped foot into." It was a hard time learning this memorization, but for your survival it was crucial to be able to return to a peaceful environment in case of emergency.

"Using my powers at random uses up less power, though. Creating exactly the portal to a universe of my wish will pretty much eat up all magic inside of me for a long while."

"Thus your arrival here."

"Exactly."

For a while, both of you would exchange awkward looks, waiting until the atmosphere brightened a little so you dared asking him in return.

"So, I've told you about me. What about you? What happened that you ended up like..." you gestured around in the room, pointing at everything at once. "...like this?"

Strange's third eye was now practically piercing you, but you were used to way worse when it came to the supernatural. And just as you expected, his expression softened soon before tearing his gaze away from you.

"Nothing worth speaking about" he nearly whined, and though he was not currently looking at you, anyone could feel the pressure in the air, how the memory was tearing him apart on the inside. "I pushed my loved one away in this universe and selfishly tried to correct this in another universe. Everything else is history. I made a countless lived pay the price for my arrogance."

It was as bright as daylight that he was leaving something out, but you wouldn't push him with the details. You barely knew each other, and he was suffering enough already with telling you this part of the story.

"With no way out, I have decided to spend the rest of eternity to pay for my sins. This accursed world is my prison, and a harsh reminder for every version of me to never fall astray from that path ever again."

If only you knew that while what he spoke was the truth, he withheld the most important information to let you see the whole picture - the one in which he is not just a misguided hero that had fallen astray from his path, but had turned into a literal monster in the process.

This was merely an act, a facade that he'd make sure you would never peek behind. Otherwise you may try to stop him from doing the only thing that was able to shut the voices in his head...

...his noble quest of granting at least the other Strange's a merciful death that would save them from themselves.

"That sounds like a tragic love story to me" you naively declared, drawing his attention away from those vicious thoughts.

The eldritch mage would've expected repulsion, for you to despise him after everything you've heared. If not at least fear, especially after his inconsiderate attack....

...yet here you were, looking at him with an incredible sympathy shimmering behind your teary eyes that made his hypocricial self want to be swallowed by hell itself.

"Spare me your pity" he uttered respectful, his adam apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. "I am grateful, but undeserving."

However, now the sorcerer saw your unexpected encounter in a whole new light.

Stephen Strange had made a mistake - many mistakes, but at least saving you could give meaning to his otherwise meaningless life.

"Well Y/N, if you are in such desperate need of shelter, I wouldn't mind company for a while."

[squeezysreservoirofcookies]

to explain myself under the cut:

p3 would probably cook those horrid tiktok/generally bad (or socially unacceptable) recipes with the expectation that it'll be good. there's like a 50-50 chance the food'll be actually good or it'll be the worst thing your eyes and tastebuds have experienced

oh sir dude on the other hand would literally be like that trope of a child making a heinous concoction of a """meal""" for their parents as a well-meaning surprise. he'd straight up be like "honey i made dinner just for you 😍" and it's borderline poisonous semi-radioactive material schlop

p1 probably already has a decent amount of canned food/mres/frozen pre-prepared food at the ready, as i imagine having extreme paranoia would make you not wanna get take-out often. plus i imagine that while he could cook, he just chooses not to since it can be kinda draining sometimes (take it from me, someone who occassionally likes to cook every once in a while). that and actually intrusive thoughts could get concerning for him. On a good mental health day though, he'd be at 'can cook the basics' tier

i dont think nottem gives that much of a shit enough to put in any amount of effort to ever cook himself anything decent, let alone a basic dish. I feel like MAYBE the one time he would cook something is if uh idk he's on a date?????? but even then thats questionable dsfhhsddsfh

I know corkscrew isnt technically canon but THIS IS MY POST, I MAKE THE RULES HDSFHD but i feel like corkscrew would be too impatient to cook anything decent, or he's like drunk 80% of the time, which would make cooking a little risky. also i imagine him cooking would be like that one meme video of a lady going "now add 2oz of vodka" then proceeds to pour half the bottle in like its nothing dsfhds

P2 and P4 both would only cook those easy to make, simple recipes that dont require much ingredients or preparation but for entirely different reasons. P2 is mainly bc i can see him just being too exhaused and stressed after a day out in paradise, so why add more to that? thats even if hes hungry considering the fact he ate like all the towns pizza and donuts hsdfhdjs. with p4 on the other hand he's just enjoying the simple stress free life, so why be so snooty and pretentious, especially over something he'll inhale anyway?

Recidivist and Widowmaker, based on their loose descriptions, I feel probably wouldn't have much motivation or generally aren't very hoity toity. they just want to make their dinner and so be it if it's simple, life is already difficult to them as it is. heck theyd probably just order take out or some shit. post-nottem's rein of terror, they largely wouldn't really care about cooking anyway so bare minimum it is.

Movie Dude is literally the one postal dude regional varient that actually has some sembalance of his shit together, so i imagine that in an ideal situation, he could probably cook you up a nice homemade meal. it's not gonna be food network-type worthy, but man you WILL like it

Psychocop, esp. pre-nottem's supermassive scp k-class senario, probably seemed like the kind of guy that had his dookie together and enjoyed making himself a nice dinner anytime he could make something. post-nottem's 360 noscope against humanity attempt, i can definately see him making his comrades something thats actually fucking good bc he got tired of seeing them make shitty basic ass food by themselves that wont help them out in the long run during their own rein of terror

Redux would still have the same-ish issues that P1 has, but i feel like redux would try to improve himself and try to overcome them anyway since he just wants to live a happy life just like everyone else. because of that, i imagine he'd like take cooking almost very seriously, wanting to take time (if he can) to make himself a good ass meal as a form of self-care. it would be so much so that if he ever had to be ur roommate, you'll have the bestest fuckin homemade food in ur whole damn life when he does feel like cooking. like literally lifechanging in a way. obviously he wouldnt use stupid boujie ingredients or dumb shit like that but my god you will FEEL boujie just eating it. he'd obviously have his off-days where he'd get take-out or go for pre-made but homemade makes him feel a bit better