#and every time i go 'man that guy isnt gonna get his holiday with his family thanks to robin ayou'

[busnautica]

gm to heroverse nation im finally polishing up my doodles @minecraftgender

[idontlikejazzsonowitsmyname]

I'm going to tell you guys a story about a man, who we're just gonna call John.

John has just returned home from his family holiday in Spain. he's spent the last two weeks enjoying the sunshine, visiting different beaches, and swimming in various pools with his gorgeous beautiful kick ass wife and children. But as he unpacks his suitcase, his heart sinks. His favorite t-shirt, the one he's worn to game nights, and college parties, to both weddings and funerals, has cherished for years, is nowhere to be found.

At first, John tries to convince himself that it's just been misplaced, hidden beneath and within the endless abyss that is traveling luggage. He checks every pocket, every nook and cranny of every bag, but the t-shirt is still missing. Panic sets in as he remembers all the different pools they have visited during their trip. How can he have lost it? He's been so careful with their belongings, always double-checking that everything is accounted for.

As the realization dawns on him that he may never see his beloved t-shirt again, John's distress only grows. He can't shake the feeling of loss, the emptiness that came with the absence of something so dear to him. His brother tries to console him, but he can't be comforted. The t-shirt is irreplaceable, a part of his identity, a symbol of his very being, practically a more permanent part of his physical self than his own flesh and bones.

John's brother tells him to "get good" and to find a new shirt, the old one was fading anyways, johns wife tells him he should find a new shirt, to try searching within the yawning abyss that is the Penny's store for a different shirt to piss off his stuck up in laws with.

And search he does.

Days turn into weeks, but John's obsession with the shirt only intensifies. He scours many shops, searching for a replacement, but nothing can compare to the original. He even considered going back to Spain to retrace their steps and search for it, but the idea of leaving his family behind and the expense of the trip made it impossible, that, and John can't follow directions for shit, as well as the fact that John wouldn't be too comfortable identifying himself as the owner of the lost T-shirt.

In the end, John has to come to terms with the fact that his favorite t-shirt might be gone forever. He can't help but feel a sense of loss, as if a part of himself is missing. But he knew that life would go on, and he would have to find new ways to hold onto the memories of his mortal vessel. Perhaps, he thought, it's time to let go of the past and embrace the present. But deep down, he knew that he would always miss that t-shirt, the one that has been with him through so many adventures and held so many cherished memories.

That is until he realized his bitch-ass, but still cherished, wife's been wearing said shirt to bed for the past few days, and because John is a "blind-ass bitch" he never noticed it until one day, he woke up earlier than usual, experiencing the warm embrace that is elderly joint aching, upon confrontation John's dearest, but less dearer than usual, wife answers his pleads for answers by saying "i wanted to see how long it took."

The end

I don't have a picture of the shirt on me, because I'm not John and unlike John, who have access to that shirt all the time, i would not.

But i do have this stock image of a better version of the shirt, one that isnt the world's most horrible mixture of bleached green and pink dye, but doesn't have two unicorns having a gay wedding stitched onto a sleeve.

[seijch]

bitches make one post about suna in the smoke grays and suddenly it turns into a full round of headcanons...

content warning. drug use (vaping)

TERUSHIMA: man i swear do NOT put this man on the aux!!!!!! some ppl do not believe in paying for a streaming service and i hate to break it to you but yuuji is one of them,,, Want A Break From The Ads? If You Tap Now To Watch A Short Video, You’ll Receive Thirty Minutes Of Ad Free Music type beat... its not even worth it at this point 🤮🤮🤮 his pre-work fits always go hard. shops exclusively on stockx and buys apparel from the store if he fucks w it (and when it goes on sale ... original retail price kinda expensive tho). surprisingly good w the elderly? no one expects it from him but he ALWAYS gets compliments from them and no one else ever wants to deal w the crabby old people so they send him in for a quick and easy sale 🤝🏻

SUNA: ALWAYS vaping in the back. if youre near him in the stockroom hell blow the smoke in your face. punch him. do it. this is the aisle where there are no cameras. BIG sneakerhead but doesnt like to answer questions nskdfsd you could b asking him if a shoe is good for running nd he hits you w that “idk i just work here” and WALKS AWAY. like i KNOW you work here bitch thats the fucking point!!!! his shoe game is always on point so he always gets questions since people think he knows what hes talking abt (he does,, But 😐😐😐)

SHIRABU: at the register. designated cashier, only here because tuition does NOT pay itself... air max supremacist; owns three pairs of air max 270s in the most BASIC colorways 😐 judges customers when they walk in. if he sees someone trying to fake flex he WILL gag. once saw a man and his son with the toyota logo hanging from their matching gold chains and hasnt recovered since.

KOGANEGAWA: gets LOST in the stockroom and is always 🧍‍♂️ when he does. compliments the scent of whatever flavor puff bar suna blows into his face. isnt in the work gc when he first gets hired bc he has an android NJKSDSA but eventually upgrades and is welcomed in (but overuses animojis unironically.....baby please youre embarrassing us). absolute king. one of the best sellers on the floor during back to school season; the mans a high-five machine!! the kids love him. (as they should!)

ATSUMU: gets confused for yuuji from behind a LOT and bitch if this doesnt PISS HIM OFF!!!!!!! youd rlly think that having another person out there w the same exact face as you would train you to handle this shit better but guess not bc tsumu gets SO mad he stomps off to the back and has to 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ for a bit..... osamu works at the food place two doors down and tells all the cashiers to make him pay full price, fuck a mall discount SDJAKDA there are too many pictures on his ig story of him and suna (reluctantly taken by aran) holding shoes to their ears like theyre the latest iphone. someone stop them before i reach thru the screen and shit in their shoes.

KINDAICHI: originally started working just to make money and knew NOTHING about shoes but bitch did he get INTO IT!!!! yeezy or bust, baby!!!!!! his go to work shoes are the tail lights but he also owns the desert sages (among others). his bank acc is NOT HAPPY,,, homie spends more money than he makes at his shitty minimum wage job 😭 once he learned the Shoe Lore he rlly came into his own as a solid seller but i would not be lying if i said before then he was on stock duty ....

ARAN: mvp of the store!!! gets along w the kids, gets along w the older folks, can hold a conversation w the sneakerheads, you name it hes got it !!!!!! on track to become an assistant manager if he so chooses -- the manager is alr begging him to come on full time but he doesnt wanna tie himself down to a life of selling shoes, yk? has people coming to the store just to see HIM like its a fucking host club. admittedly not as into shoes as someone like suna or tanaka,, definitely knows how to appreciate a Good Shoe but is halfway between a casual and a Full Sneakerhead tbh...

TANAKA: you wouldnt believe it but he is the KING of shoecare, both in usage and in sales! doesnt care as much when it comes to his regular old volleyball asics but when hes at work or out on the town? the flex is honestly UNREAL...catch him slacking, i dare you. shits on anyone who buys a team jordan like ,,, ok gatekeeper! his collection of retro jordans reaches almost concerning levels and refuses to sell any of them. he hasnt worn a good third of them, either (hes waiting for That Moment, whatever the fuck THAT means). only slightly above terushima when it comes to aux privileges. (theres also a video of him in the stockroom wearing nothing but booty shorts at the top of a ladder lipsyncing the lyrics to chandelier by sia. dont ask.)

BOKUTO: THE customer service guy. he spends small amounts of money like nobodys business but is lowkey scared of big purchases... drops $15 for food eight times a week like its nothing but wont buy a pair of $180 shoes... ok. as a result his collection is nowhere near as big as some of the other guys but he treasures them all and takes very good care of them!!! knows JUST what to say to warm any kind of customer up to him (gets hit on a lot, much to the dismay of tanaka nd yuuji)... also has a lot of former customers recognize him (its the hair) and he just has to go 😃 haha hey! every time.

NISHINOYA: whenever he cant reach smth and needs to be out on the floor asap he can and WILL climb up the shelves of the stockroom like a fucking MONKEY NKSFSN 😭😭😭 the authority when it comes to shoes for running, hiking, the gym, etc. if its outdoors leave it to him! had a pair of 270s but the bubble POPPED the one time he used the ladders as he came down..........hes literally traumatized and ALWAYS brings it up whenever he shares a shift w shirabu (who has since asked to not be scheduled w noya due to a “difference in beliefs” MSFSDS)

FUTAKUCHI: ive said it before but hes one of Those People thats worked half the stores in the damn mall so he was hired as a cashier during the holiday szn and left the company a few months later. youd think hed get along w fellow cashier shirabu but 😃 the manager avoids scheduling them together unless the stores gonna be busy bc one of them is gonna wanna use “the better register” and get mad when the other claims it first .... like theyre both FUNCTIONAL arent they??? 😭😭 does NOT give a shit abt shoes!!! never even learned the stockroom, just kinda figured it out as he went along...whenever someone asks him for their size in a shoe he hands it off to someone on the floor unless he cant avoid it (but believe it or not he will always give that person the sale...unless its suna bc he knows suna doesnt give a fuck)

@wackatoshi​ jic you dont see it when it drops 😚😚

[thotsforvillainrights]

Hello! Happy Valentine's day! Would you be willing to bless us with Shigaraki and/or Spinner Valentine's day headcannon fluff? Like how they would spend the day with their s/o? Maybe Shin too if you feel up for it ^^ Thanks so much and have a lovely day!!

Happy Valentine's day to you!!! Because this is Valentines day related ask, then I'm obligated to answer it. Besides, my fiance isnt off work yet so I've got some time now (as well as here or there throughout the day)

~Valentine's day with Tomura/Spinner/Shin~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

~Shigaraki~

-At first he was just gonna chill with you in the room, eat some snacks, and play games. Then Tomura realizes "Wait a minute...today is kinda special I guess." That's when he decides to switch it up for a bit.

-How would you know he cared so much about you? Today on one of his favorite games, the XP is doubled due to it being a holiday. Instead of logging on to level up his characters and earn extra in-game currency, he's walking with you to your favorite little manga shop. He's giving his valuable time to you instead of games. Tomura loves you.

-By now, he's saved up so much money for this specific day, but you dont even end up wanting to spend money besides paying for a few manga. Now he's got all this leftover money he's been saving for months that he was supposed to spend today. So the solution is to spend it anyway.

-Even if you deny it, he's going to make you get some of your favorite food and he'll also get you some of your favorite things too. Doesn't matter what it is, he's going to let go of all the cash he saved or else it would be for nothing.

-Eventually you guys make it home and you gift him a new gaming mouse with some nice headphones too. "Tomura go play while there's still some time left to level up. I wont be mad. It's my gift to you." You reassured him. He smiled widely and nodded. "Thanks y/n. Happy Valentine's day."

~Spinner~

-As soon as he wakes up, he's scrambling to the kitchen and pulling out everything to try and surprise you with breakfast in bed. Spinner has done this every single Valentine's day, Christmas, and Birthday for every single year that you've been together. He always either wakes you up too soon, or you're up before him. Just like I said, Spinner drops all the pans by accident and his blood runs cold(er, since he's already reptilian) as you come around the corner to inspect the loud sound. "Damn it! I failed again!" Spinner shouts in defeat as you laugh at him. "Shuichi, I'll just have cereal. Now come back to bed." You gently pulled him along with you.

-Once you two are up for good now, he asks you what you want to do today. You guys are supposed to take turns each Valentine's day, but he always ends up letting you do whatever you want because he's weak for you. You decided to beat the system by recommending something you knew he'd like instead!

-"Really? An arcade, babe?" Spinner questions you when you guys reach the entryway. You smile widely as a reply and you guys go inside to game it up. Near the end of the day, you've both accumulated enough tickets to get that snazzy scooter in the prize room. Instead, you settle for getting the Stain bag filled with his merch and give it to Spinner. "Baby, are you sure?" Spinner holds the bag, disbelief on his face. You smile and peck his cheek. "Of course Shuichi. Happy Valentine's day."

~Nemouto~

-You wake up to your old record player putting off a soft and recognizable melody "Sleepwalking". Its near the end when you come into the living room and hear the tone of "Put your head on my shoulder" starting up. Shin is in the kitchen fiddling with some boxes and bags until he looks up and sees you. "Oh damn. I suppose the surprise is ruined now?" He said with a smile. Shin stood up and went to hug you tightly, laying little kisses on your neck and jaw before he pulled away. "Presents now? Or maybe later on after our date?" He offered you. "Hmmmm...later on, my handsome man. Right now, dance with me."

-You two danced for a good bit until the song ended with you two kissing each other deeply. The kiss was certainly heated, and Shin really wanted to retire to the bedroom for a different Valentine's day gift, but he decides against it because he already had such a lovely date planned!

-Insted of doing a restaurant date like usual, he settled for a little picnic tucked away in a gorgeous garden that had to be rented months ahead of time due to the way the reservations filled up on this day. He really dedicated all that time and money just to get a 2 hour date in the garden, alone with you💖

-Once you guys are and chat, your time was up at the garden reservation so you two moved on to get some ice cream at the park and buy tickets for a movie in the next 30 minutes. After the movie, you two went home to exchange gifts with each other. At this point though..."Y/N, perhaps we should continue that kiss from earlier, hmmm?"~

[goffilolo]

Demise!Izuku as a Youtuber?

Yep! You heard me right. Demise server is a strange little land, full of strange little ideas, unfortunitely this one idea in particular wasn’t so little. So without further ado here’s all the shit we came up with in the server in regards to izuku as a youtuber within demise!au:

If Izuku was a YouTuber can you imagine the fucking chaos dumpster fire his channel would be

He's be like an edgy twink Jenna marbles(edited)

Doing Me time every damn day

bandit is jennas dogs

tenya is julien

He'd have weird ass videos like dipping bandits feet in red pet dye then putting a sign on him that says "you pet and you'll meet the last person who dared to"(edited)

And he's also make videos about him breaking into UA and interrupting classes and stuff

"hey gamers, today we're breaking into UA to see my boyfriend and read all of my friend's secret files"

And a video just of him filing Aizawa in weird places and at the end putting him on an inflatable mattress and watching him float away 

He wakes up in Canada

They don't know how or why

He just attaches a go-pro to trash bandit and let's him run wild. He probably has a seriesJust letting him loose in weird places

DONT LET TRASH BANDIT EAT AIZAWA'S SLEEPING BAG AT 3AM | VERY SCARY"hey guys so today ill be doing the 'How many bottles of quil can i steal before i get caught by Tsukabitch' challange. feel free to make a video of your own!" 

He probably dyes Bandit according to holidays and puts him as the profile picture. The kicker is, he only does it for holidays that his country doesn't celebrate

Like 4th of july

And Canada day

"Hewo soulless fuckers it is me your overlord, King of the soulless fuckers. Today I'll be going up to people in the streets and telling them that I killed God and Satan. But y'all know me, that's not enough. So I'll be asking them which one I killed first and if they get it wrong I take a shot of quil. The quil I'll be taking is the plain ol kind so don't worry your little marshmallow heads about it." 

He only makes text posts in OwO speak this just makes me realise demise!izuku would make a great youtuber

He would twitch stream all the time doing the weirdest shit for hours on end

"what is up gamews! today i wiww be weviewing the new game cawwed life! i have been pwaying it fow about 16 yeaws now and i have to say it's pwetty bad my guys!"

I feel like he'd be absurdly popular and whenever someone mentions him and they look up the channel they are like "wth have I stumbled upon?!"

I'm just imagining what his front page would look like

The seasonal trash bandit profile picture, the banner would be a flaming hellscape with people he dislikes burning and trash bandit looming on low opacity in the background 

(He made it so that only people who view it on TV get the full experience.)

He probably has his own segment on buzzfeed unsolved

Not talking

Its about him

The intro video would just be him staring into the camera while mixing together a horrible concoction of quil then downing it without breaking eye contact(edited)

His about section is written in 3 different types of code and it's all in owo if you manage to crack it

i love demise|!izuku as a youtube cryptid

Clown Speak and OwO speak mixed together

I feel like in the beginning Izuku was this obscure YouTuber that you only find out about if someone in the know tells you about it until a bigger YouTuber found him out on a deep dive video and just couldn't stop watching yes

i imagine once he gets big people from react channel would invite him to react to videos of people reacting to his videos 

What if in one of his videos he started acting like his old self just to freak everyone out. He didn't say anything about it instead he talked about hero analysis with a bright smile and trail off into muttering a few times only to blush when he realized it. He have his hair in a ponytail with only bangs framing his face and some messy pieces falling out. Also her be wearing something plain but like old Izuku, maybe hero merch or something. The comment section was just people flipping out and shit

He never acknowledges the video after he made it

No matter how many comments he gets he acts like it doesn't exist

omg you know wha tthat would actually allign with the demise and canon swap places for a da

yand you know what that gives me a lot of feels

the millions of subscribers get to see the old izuku

Maybe after a milestone he would post a video he made in middle school of him analyzing a quirk in video format to make sure it wouldn't get destroyed

And he put a couple videos of younger him after it

But it starts being supporting Izuku

And his present and past self and stuff

PEOPLE MAKE FAN ART first Its all full of trash and memes

What if that picture of canon Izuku meeting demise Izuku was a fan art someone made of his old self meeting the new him 

Kids from his class kinda Piecing together they really screwed up?Some even sending in apologies, perhaps

For mental health day I could see him posting a serious video about what he went through and his time in the mental hospital 

And on national stop bullying day he would talk about his decade of abuse including the details of how the school and teachers fucked up and everything aboutbakugou

izuku using youtrube for shitposting and advocating

And for mothers day he features both Rei and Inko?

Endeavor exposure video

What if Rei helped edit or something?To help pass the time for her

Give her something to do

People love the mysterious editor

I feel like villains watch his content like maybe Dabi

rei and fuyumi sometimes make appearances

Dabi just shows up in the videos

Quickly become faves

I feel like Dabi would become a fan and start crying after seeing his mom happy in one of Izuku's videos

"...and this is rei, my hospital mom and this if fuyumi, her daughter so like my sister she helps me keep my shit together and sometimes gives me quil.." 

dabi crying from seeing his mom happy in some lunatic's youtube videos

“...and this is shin, dont let the looks deceive you this man went to jail"

Shin comes in and covers the cameras a lot

FATHERS DAY IS A PICTURE OF TRASH BANDIT WITH HIS DADS VOICE SCRAMBLED OVER IT

“and this is the local florida woman and her alligator

WHAT IF BNHA VERSE HAD QUIRKLESS AWARENESS WEEKizuku would go ape shit during that week

"who needs a quirk when my dad gave me a gun!"

He would give axe sharpening tips

"Remember kids! Society won't help you, so you gotta help yourself!"

he would make 'how to cook videos' except it would only be quil combos

What if one day he just put quil in the ovenand pulled out a muffin

Remeber, don't try this at home kids." makes A horrifying quil combo "rememer never ever do this even if you have a quirk that allows it." downs the horror concoction

"so today were gonna do my boyriend does my makeup challange and since both me and tenya are dumb and know nothing i borrowed my mums makeup..." 

It’s a given he’s gonna do makeup tutorials. The real question is would they be good or absolutely horrendous?

good or horrendous? Both

Amazing makeup at horrendous things? Hmmm interesting

“Hey guys today I’m turning myself into a real like eldrich abomination with the help of eyeliner and glitter!”

izuku has a whole playlist of videos dedicated to tenya and UA

theyre all jsut shitposty compilations of some footage when tenya isnt looking

Even tho it looks like he couldn't give a fuck he is very selective with which footage makes it online. He's very careful at how much is revealed and makes sure no students or secret identities would be in danger with his content

izuku isnt stupid...hes jsut having a good time

Sneaking into UA highschool by hiding in pro hero eraserhead's sleeping bag | NOT CLICKBAIT

Izuku would totally play carefree and childish games while just being Izuku

Like his animal crossing series

Fucking legendary on his channel in terms of gaming

izuku's sims lets play

it's like a 10 generation long telenovela lowkey based off the todoroki family

He has no straight sims, he recreated UA and class 1a in sims

the wedding of sim izuku and sim tenya is like the biggest party in the sim neighbourhood

He creates endeavor just to lock him in a room with 50 ovens

Omg his draw my life has got to be super depressing

He'd be super blunt and monotone during his whole draw my life going through all of the abuse and bullying that he went through because of his quirklessness and also his suicide attempt and all that jazz(edited) 

izuku would paint on a potato

Izuku would make a get ready with me where he does something totally batshit crazy then ends it with "Ah. Yet another day in my life."

Izuku meets Marie Kondo

“Only keep what brings you joy”

“Well this gun from my father sure brings me joy”

Knifemaking videos but with axes

Izuku decided to do a wardrobe tour and like 4 things were bloodstained which he never addressed. The most popular comment was what happened, which of course he never answered.

Izuku does these new year (like all of the questions from last year) or milestone Q+A’s/AMA's which are basically people just asking a bunch of the things he wouldn't answer or address before. A lot of his viewers write down and timestamp when he does something and doesn't address it. If you don't you'll never hear an answer.

He has his boonk gang phrase which is probably like Bandit gang or some shit like that, which he shouts while breaking into places. UA dorm rooms, UA facility office, UA, Hero Agency’s, Endeavour's bedroom (Don't ask), etc. 

He has a variety of videos where he does things from different communities. For example he has a few hair tutorial and following hair tutorial videos. Same for makeup.I feel like Izuku would also have some dresses and slutty Halloween costumes that be put on in a video all while looking like someone who just had finals and was studying for 4 days straight beforehand.

At like 4AM a thought hit Izuku to have Trash Bandit meet Kouta for the first time and learn what his sheep talks about and what he has to say. Needless to say he took his camera, went to UA, stormed the dorms, went up to the shy kid sheep in hand, looked him dead in the eye, and asked “What is my sheep saying.” bandit speaks and Kouta goes from confused and slightly scared to disgusted and horrified. What did Bandit say? Who the fuck knows…

Izuku loves analysis and while he doesn't do it for heroes anymore when he misses it too much sometimes he does it with tv shows or other things.

Idk what yet but Izuku is weirdly good at something and only showed it on camera once. (He's casually known to be a good artist) Whatever he's good at he did it once for a video and it's in one of the most popular compilation videos of him. 15 minutes of Izuku being a cinnamon roll.

Izuku has a shit ton of videos featuring the UA kids. He has some playlists dedicated to certain ones even if all you see is the back of their head.

Any proceeds Izuku manages to get (he is popular but he gets demonetized a lot) goes to different charities for the quirkless.

He made only 1 serious cooking video on his birthday, but instead of using a knife he used an axe.

He has a video called “My sharp things (tour)” where he just shows off all of his knives and axes and shit along with a massive pair of scissors he got Momo to make.

Izuku makes videos of himself destroying endeavor merch while staring at the camera.

[flamehairedwritings]

Cups

Characters: Chief Jim Hopper x Female Reader

Words: 1,661

Rating: M, 16+ ONLY

A/N: Hello! Welcome to Christmas Drabbles 2018! For the next seven days I’ll be posting a drabble every dang day with a festive theme. I hope you enjoy and happy holidays!

Summary: Based on the prompt ‘Character A and Character B, sworn enemies, are chosen to prepare the company Christmas Party’, by @alloftheprompts

MASTERLIST

CHRISTMAS DRABBLES 2018 MASTERLIST

Please don’t copy, steal or repost my work; credit does not count.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Oh, here we go.

“Excuse me?”

Arching an eyebrow, you place your hands on your hips as you turn to the source of the gruff voice.

Chief Jim Hopper looks at you incredulously, his hands also on his hips.

“What. The hell. Are you doing?” he repeats in that slow way that immediately makes you feel like a complete idiot.

Clenching your jaw, you raise your eyebrows. “What does it look like, Chief Hopper?”

“It looks like you’re hangin’ tinsel on the holding cells.”

“Oh, so your eyes do work.”

You turn back to your task, a hint of a smug smirk on your lips as you hear him exhale a long breath. You were always able to push your luck because what could he do? Fire you? Yeah, well, maybe, but on what grounds? Stating the truth?

Just try me, Hopper.

You were always just that little step ahead, and he hated it.

“You can’t hang tinsel on the holding cells.”

“Do please tell me why.”

You can practically hear his teeth grinding together. “That’s where we keep suspected or confirmed criminals. We can’t have it lookin’... Jolly.”

“Yes, we can.” You finish sticking two ends of tinsel together and step down from the chair.

And you leave your response at that.

Turning away from him, you move back to the box of decorations, rummaging through it for the multi-coloured lights you’d seen and fallen in love with earlier. Finding them, horrendously tangled, you thrust them in Hopper’s direction, not looking at him.

“Do something useful and untangle these.”

You hear that deep, irritating sigh of exasperation as he takes them and sits down heavily in the nearest chair, getting to work as he mutters under his breath.

If only he’d known Flo had also picked you to decorate the Station. He would have stayed right the hell away. Maybe even gone across to another state. Taken a whole damn week off so he didn’t have to see or think about you.

What he wouldn’t give for one day of relief.

“Come on, honey, come and dance.”

Smiling widely at Flo, you shake your head, your bell earrings tinkling with the motion. “No, I’m all right, thank you, Flo. Maybe after I’ve had a few more of these.” You raise your cup a little. “Then I’ll be able to dance like, oh, what did our delightful chief call it last year... A newborn foal with roller-skates on.” 

Flo tuts as she moves closer to your side. “Like he can dance any better. Oh, no, I mean, you are a good dancer, honey,” she swiftly continues when you arch an eyebrow. “Oh, you know what I mean. Oh, if only you two would get along, you have so much in common.”

You snort, raising your cup to your lips. “Yeah, well, he should apologise.”

“Can’t you just let it go and shake hands?”

“I’m not that big a person, Flo.”

It had been three years since you’d started. Three years since The Incident. Since... Since he’d... What had he said again... Urgh, you can’t remember the specifics but it was something incredibly patronising and you hadn’t just let it slide and it had snowballed from there and here you are today.

Staring across the office floor at him.

Your skin prickling in that way it always does when he’s near.

Your heart beating just that little bit faster.

Unable to stop staring at him.

“‘nother beer, Chief?”

Hopper lifts his gaze from his nearly empty bottle to the one Powell holds out to him.

“Yeah, thanks.” Setting the one in his hand down on the table, he accepts the fresh bottle, raising it to his lips for a sip. 

Powell stands at his side, gazing out at the cramped dance floor you had somehow made the space for, desks and chairs shoved aside.

“Hey, didn’t she wear that dress at the Thanksgiving party?”

Calvin Powell looks to his chief, then to you, then back to Hopper. “Yeah, I think so. Why?”

“Dunno, just...” Hopper shrugs, lifting the bottle to his lips again as he mumbles, “Make an effort, you know.”

Powell raises his eyebrows. “Says the guy who wears the same shirt to everything.”

“Yeah, but, you know... Women,” Hop finishes weakly, wincing slightly in instant regret.

Powell’s eyebrows rise even higher. “’Women’?”

Apparently relenting to the fact he has to commit to the words that somehow came out of his mouth, Hopper clears his throat and shrugs. “Yeah... Women.”

His officer stares at him. “Uh-huh. Women... Mystifying, aren’t they?”

“Mhm.”

“Annoying when you can’t figure ‘em out, isn’t it?” He watches Hopper stare at you, watching you converse with Flo.

“Mhm.”

“And it’s even more annoying when you wanna go over there, ask ‘em if you can get ‘em a drink and apologise for being a damn idiot all the time.”

“Mhm─” Hopper’s gaze flicks over to him, his eyes narrowing.

Powell shrugs.

Clearing his throat, Hopper opens his mouth, to say what he has no God damn clue, when his eyes find their way back to you and you’re heading into his office.

“What in the hell...” he mutters, irritation swiftly rising within him as he sets his bottle down and strides after you, leaving Powell staring after him.

“How can we have run out of cups already? Hopper was meant─ Well, there we go actually, Hopper was in charge, that’s how we have.” Exhaling a short breath of frustration, you then smile at Flo and pat her shoulder gently as you pass. “I’m gonna go and get some cups.”

Placing your cup down on the nearest desk, you round it and push through the small swing door leading to Hopper’s office. Opening the door, you head inside, not bothering to turn the light on.

Hopper being Hopper, he’d vehemently opposed you using his office as a decoration base but you’d ignored him and stored boxes in there when he hadn’t been looking. Which had actually been easy to do because he never looked. Not that you minded. One bit.

Surveying the array of boxes, you try and remember which ones the cups were in.

Oh, God, where the hell has he put them...

“What are you doing?”

You exhale a low, exasperated sound, opening the nearest box and starting to search through it. “Getting more cups, officer.”

“Did you not put enough out?”

“The drinks table was your jurisdiction, Hopper, it’s the only thing you got excited about. The most excited I’ve ever seen you, actually, I didn’t know it was possible.”

“I get excited about things.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“Knowing you’re not gonna be in.”

You snort.

Wait, what.

You hadn’t been able to help it. You’d snorted. And not a dismissive snort. An amused snort.

And neither of you know what to do.

So you both ignore it.

Clearing your throat and mercifully finding the cups, you pull them out, turn and move to the door, pushing the wrapped stack into Hopper’s hands as you pass him.

You’re so close to the door, so close to freedom and pretending that never happened, when Callahan appears in the doorway.

“Oh, shiiit, look who’s under the mistletoe!” he grins, dangling the fake arrangement above your head.

“Oh, God, never, Phil,” you reply, incredibly grateful for the distraction and trying so hard not to smile.

“Nah, c’mon, you two.”

“‘You tw─”

In taking a step back from Callahan, you meet a hard wall behind you. 

Not a wall.

A Hopper.

The Chief clears his throat. “No, Callahan.”

“Come on, just a lil’ peck.”

“Calla─”

“Smooch, smooch.”

“Phil─“

He raises the mistletoe higher. “I won’t let you pass and I reckon I could take you both on. Get in to the Christmas spirit, guys, c’mon.”

“Christ, fine,” you mutter.

You tilt your head back and lift your chin to kiss Hopper on the cheek to just get this over with... but he’s turned his head, too. 

Your lips meet his.

Gently.

Gently? 

God, you thought kissing Hopper would be uncoordinated, he’s a complete mess of a man, frankly, but this is... This is nice, no, wait, anyway, you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about kissing him so─

Your lips are still against his. You haven’t pulled back. And neither has he.

He seems to realise it the same moment you do.

Drawing your head back so quickly you almost strain a muscle, you stare at him as he stares at you.

Even Callahan goes quiet for once.

For a few seconds.

“Okay, who’s next!” he calls out as he turns and zones in on the next victim.

You and Hopper are still looking at each other.

Your cheeks feel warm and his mouth is open, like he’s fighting for something to say.

He finds it. “Right.”

“Right.”

“Okay.”

You want to kiss him again.

Oh, God.

Clearing your throat, you nod and turn away, start walking, pause in the doorway, and then clear your throat again.

“Put the cups on the table, Hopper.”

“Yep.”

Lifting your gaze, you find him still looking at you.

Oh, God.

“Okay, so I’ll─”

“Actually...”

You blink, slightly startled that he’s interrupted your attempt to leave this situation he should no doubt be also finding awkward. 

There’s something in his eyes, though, something that you can’t look away from.

“... I remember tellin’ you you couldn’t put all this shit in here.” He drops the stack of cups into a box beside him as he moves towards you, and you don’t move.

Standing before you, looking down at you, he reaches behind you and pushes the door shut.

Suddenly, pressed against him, your head leaning back against the door, you can name what’s lingering in his gaze.

Lust.

And you know he can see it in your eyes, too.

“What are you going to do about it, Chief?”

“Somethin’ I’ve wanted to do for a long time.”

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged or removed in my future work!

Tagged: @persephone-divine, @billyrussosbutt, @davidkharboursex, @jobean12-blog, @warmbeardsandredwine, @mademoiselle-black, @scrunchinn, @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash, @divadinag, @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan, @deepsouth, @neganslittlebae, @ashphoenix105, @alahmorah, @daughterofthebrowncoats, @letsby, @tbkc, @kiwiphroot, @ashmely, @sistasarah-sallysaidso, @unicornsandgliiitter, @lucifer-in-leather, @fearandloathing-in-missouri, @heyjudeinthesky, @sleepylunarwolf, @ambeazyyy, @countryfire22, @sithlordslut, @mondsafari, @thejealousorchard, @norcula, @earinafae, @beltzboys2015-blog, @jinxiejenna, @justsimplevicky, @hellosupernaturaldoctor, @ginasellsbooks, @dwarvenbunnyears, @vale0413, @mrslydiaholden, @kimberliinabox, @thoughtsmeander2tumblingblindly, @allylupin, @cant-shake-this-feeling-off, @the-bitch-gotham-deserves, @warriorqueen1991, @thesurestthing, @zuni21798,  @quietlovelovely, @maddieisaboredable, @windinyoursnail, @happy-hopper, @yedi16, @negansdirtygirl22, @slipperywhenwetsstuff, @crushed-pink-petals, @madkskillz

[xxmadsxoxo]

How to get on Santa’s nice list.

{Part Seven}

|Final Part

Pairing: Buck Barnes x Reader

Pre warning: Fluff, Fluff, and some more fluff

Warnings: and probably bad punctuation because I’m using my phone.

Summary: you moved in with your best friends apartment around 3 years ago, and found out she has one hot neighbor. Only problem is he is a huge smart mouth, and he always has jokes. Worst thing of all is he is a huge flirt, the boy could make your face warm up with a look. One day he gave you a snarky comment (to no surprise.) but you decided in spirit of the holiday to challenge him. No, smart mouth, or dirty jokes for the rest of November lets see if he can get on Santa’s nice list.

Here’s part 5

This is for (@lovelynemesis) Sam’s rockin’ around the Christmas tree writing challenge!

______

12:00pm

For some reason I have an alarm set, and it’s currently making me want to cry. I shut it off and slam my phone onto the bed. I’ll tell you what, drinking is only fun when you remember what you did the night before, the next day. I don’t remember a whole lot, I know that we all took a shot and Tony started talking about proposing to Pepper. Pepper wasn’t at the party last night, Nat says she had work to do but I think it’s because Pepper doesn’t like me.

I roll out of bed, and realize I’m naked. I’m suprised I even got to my bed, but I also got naked? Wow. I throw on my black oversized sweater, and walking out to the living room where Nat is sitting on the couch. “Morning sleeping beauty.” I look at the microwave clock, and back at her. “Yeah, yeah I know.” She smiles big “do you remember anything from last night?” I rub my eyes and sit down next to her. “Not anything past Tony’s proposal.” She sets her empty mug on the coffee table “Well it’s probably best that way than.” She sits back and looks to me again. “Probably, but did you get me into bed last night?” She shakes her head. “Nope, Barnes did I was way to tired.” I raise a brow at her “So you let Bucky deal with drunk me?” “Well I figure if you win the bet he’ll always have to deal with drunk you.”

I roll my eyes, and cross my arms. “He’s winning, 1 day after today. Then he’s homefree.”

“Well lets hope so.” She reply’s sticking her tongue out at me. Bucky walks in and sits on the chair. Nat asks the question we are both thinking “Aren’t you a bit late?” He looks from the tv to us. “Yes, well I had to run some errands.” We both nod and hum in understanding. “So Buck how terrible was I to deal with last night?” He chews the inside of his cheek before answering “You we’re fine, just kept trying to get me to bring you food.” Lie. That had to be a lie, if I don’t eat before or while I’m drinking I won’t wanna eat after. Why would I do that? I stand up and stretch. “Well I better go get dressed, Tony might need me to come in today.” Nat stands up and takes her mug to the sink. “Okay, we might see you around the tower later.” I smile and head to room holler if back. “Sounds good!”

_______

1:47pm

Tony is currently messing with Friday’s programing, I guess I’m only here to make sure he has coffee. “Dear, why don’t you run to the training room and see how everyone’s doing?” I stand up almost immediately. “Alright, I’ll be back soon boss.”

I head down to the training room with a cooler full of waters. As soon as the elevator doors open, I can hear the gym equipment and the music comming from the training room. As soon as I walk in I see Rhodes, Wilson, Romanoff, Barton, and Barnes. There are a couple more farther back in the gym, but I can’t tell who it is yet. Nat and Clint are sparring, and Rhodes is doing pull ups while Barnes is bench pressing. Wilson is doing standard stuff like sit ups, and such. I set the cooler by the bench, and sit it out. Just watching everyone do their own thing is cool, that is until Bucky spots me. “Hey doll, when did you get here?” I shift in my seat, the nickname now has a worse affect on me. “Just a few seconds ago.” He nods and uses his shirt to wipe off the sweat on his forehead. “Why don’t you come workout with us.” I laugh so loud it’s crazy “That’s a good one Barnes. I’d rather sit here.” He smiles “Oh come on, it could be something as simple as what Wilson is doing.” Wilson gives Buck a glare, and gets back to work. “No really Barnes. I’m good.” He tilts his head a bit and lays back again “suit yourself doll.” He goes back to work as well.

I run to the locker room, past that is the showers/bathrooms. I didn’t have to go or anything, I just couldn’t sit and watch Bucky much longer. I sit on the bathroom counter, and think of ways to avoid him. Just as I go to leave, in walks Bucky. “Hey Doll.” I smile and throw a small wave “Hey Buck.” He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. “Do you remember anything from last night?” I shake me head “No not really, just Tony’s rambling.” I laugh. He nods with a small smile, and it’s quiet for a little while before he speaks up again. “I can’t win this bet.” Knit my brows in confusion “What do you mean?” He slowly walks closer to me as he answers “Well I don’t want to win this bet. I mean I did when you offered it up, because I wanted you to take some training. Now? Well I just don’t want you to think, that I’m trying to win to get a lap dance.” I look at the ground going over his words. “Okay, so you wanna Shut it down?” He sets his hands either side of my thighs on the counter. “Oh god no, because everyone knows about the bet now.” I scoff and shake my head at his arrogance. “You’re such an asshole.” He opens his mouth to speak but closes it immediately, no words now huh sparky? “Doll, I’m not trying to be rude. Just a bet, is a bet.” I roll my eyes and go to push him back so I can leave, but his grip on the counter tightens. He gets closer closing me in. “Sugar, as bad as I’d love to see you dance for me. God would I love that, I’d rather you win so I know you’re gonna be okay every night.” I fight a smile and reply with “So what are you gonna do to lose with witnesses?” He smiles with mischief in his eyes. “Before I tell you the plan, can I take you on a proper date this weekend?” I am a bit shocked by his question, almost forgetting to answer. “Yes, yes!” I hugs him, and wrap my legs around him. He chuckles, and hugs back tighter.

____________

3:14pm

Just about everyone is in the living room, and I walk in with Bucky behind me. I bend over and set a few waters on the coffee table. “God damn sugar, you keep doing that with a skirt on I may have to take you for myself.” I feel my face heat up almost instantly, the words running straight to my core. Everyone kind of quiets down realizing what Bucky said. “Buck, dude you’re not alone here.” Steve says slapping his arm, sam is holding in laughter behind them. Nat looks so shocked, and angry. I stand back up, and bite me lip before speaking up. “Hey Bucky, I think you’re my new body guard.” He pretends to look shocked, and fights a smile. “Well I held out long enough, you’ve been wearing those skirts way too often. I’m suprised I didn’t break sooner.” Everyone just kind of goes back to what they were talking about, only after a few moments of silence.

____________

It was a stupid bet considering, I don’t need to go clubbing anymore. Maybe just out for drinks, but not clubbing.

_____________

3 Days later

It’s our first date, and he’s not even here. Typical, I can’t believe I agreed to this. It’s been 45 minutes, and the waiter has been very patient with me. I feel so bad for the kid, I already wanna leave him a $30 tip just for getting me water and checking on me. I think maybe I should just go home, and wait for him there. Just as I go to leave money on the table, Bucky runs in towards the table. “I’m so, so fucking sorry sugar.” He says taking a seat and giving me puppy eyes. I roll my eyes and put my purse back. “Don’t ‘sugar’ me Barnes. It’s 7:56, you owe me a good explaination.” He knows I’m half kidding, I’m angry that he was late but I’m sure it was work related. “Oh doll, you know if I wasn’t stuck at work I’d be here in a flash.” I smile and sip my water. “I know buck, just was starting to feel uncomfortable waiting here.” He gives me a half smile, and holds my hand over the table. “I’m sure it was, the waiter has been taking care of you well though right?” I nod, and run my thump over his hand. “He’s been good, deserves a big tip. Because not only did I have to wait for you, but He did too.” Bucky smiles and nods in agreement.

______

8:41pm

Bucky paid the bill, and left quite a generous tip. We ate like royalty, and it was amazing. We talked the whole time, about family, friends, exes, and even our teenage years. Which were 100% different from each other considering he’s a man out of time but, I did enjoy learning what his life was like in the 40s. If he wanted to, he could talk about it all day and I wouldn’t mind one bit. We were walking out, holding Bucky’s metal hand as he used is flesh one to catch a cab. I was only a bit tipsy from the wine, so balnce and my words weren’t all there. Bucky held my hand in a way to keep me standing, when we got in the cab I layed my head on his shoulder. The car ride was gonna be a while.

__________

9:50pm

Traffic was terrible, but Buck kept me occupied if you know what I mean. We were outside his apartment about to say our goodnights, but I wasn’t ready to leave. I think Bucky read my mind “Would you wanna-po-possibly stay the night?” I smile big, and nod. “Sounds good to me.”

__________

That’s a date, I will never forget.

__________

••••••••

-End-

That’s all I have for this entry, maybe I’ll write more fluffy stories in the future. I hope you guys liked this mini series, and I wish you guys a Merry Christmas! Or a happy 25th of December. Heck I just hope you have a happy day no matter what you celebrate, or even if you don’t celebrate at all.

Tag List: @starkxpotts @ailynalonso15 @boyzines @buckysforeverprincess @of-rin-and-carlile @isnt-the-blog-youre-looking-for @libbymouse

[kindestegg]

ok heres what i was talking about when i made that “discord deserved so much better” post

theres some spoilers below but heres the non spoiler, shorter version: discord is strongly hinted to be a gay man at this point but his treatment in the series has been very poor, specially considering how one of his bigger plot roles revolved around him being abused by a man he might have been interested in. mlp did a bad job with this and i’m hoping they fix it by at least giving discord a boyfriend before g4 ends definitely.

ok, let me just start off by saying, discord is now confirmed to be a gay man, BUT not in the right way, as in mlp crew better step up their game, and im gonna analyze exactly why n how i came to this conclusion.

first of all, the ep that made me pick up the dots was the recently leaked "the breakup breakdown". it depicts big mac doing a hearts and hooves day surprise for sugar belle with the aid of spike, who, by shouting something to do with pony dnd, gets discord to come help as well. however, discord isn't very amused by hearts and hooves day. he spends most of the episode talking about how its a commercialized holiday and how love is not real. which is interesting, considering friendship is another form of love, and discord does highly value friendship. so what happened to make him feel theyre separate? even when spike brings up fluttershy, discord acts nonchalantly about it, preferring to dismiss it as him just enjoying tea.

but we may have even more confirmation that it cant be fluttershy thats behind any romantic love in discord because as we have seen, he separates love and friendship despite them being two of a kind. so discord has no reason to see fluttershy as a potential partner, shes already his friend and thats enough, and she cant be the reason he thinks love is fake either, because he certainly doesnt act like she broke his heart. no, rather, this behavior is often commonly found in abuse victims, victims who have been manipulated by someone they may have had feelings for in the past.

so, who could have toyed with discord's heart, making him so bitter towards the concept of love but more accepting of friendship? ill give you a hint, it's NOT CELESTIA! i know its a common ship/headcanon but it cant be celestia, because a: we have NO confirmation that all of those headcanons and fanfics and fancomics about how discord ooooooh so tragically was in love with the beautiful celestia who thought he was an ugly beast blah blah blahhh are canon b: even if something did happen between them, he clearly has it in the past, considering he n celestia seem to be on very good terms, n still friends. n hoensstly, i dont think celestia is the toxic or abusive type.

no, rather, its tirek. really, let's take a look back at discord's arc in twilight's kingdom parts 1 + 2. no, even further. the whole of season 4, the season immediately after his one-ep reformation. he is still very clearly feeling out of place, trying his best to get in touch with ponies but making it more complicated and awkwatd than it has to be. evenwhen he's called to help and thinks he's finally going to be important and accepted, he has a hard time with fluttershy's friends. so here comes tirek, offering not only power, but even more: someone that accepts him. tirek knows him, or at least of him, he speaks of discord and how he used to be with great importance. discord wants nothing more than that: someone who would accept and like him no matter how much chaos he can bring. and thinking how shaky these first tries have been for him, nothing is stopping him on at least giving it a try, he even has a failsafe, not telling tirek about twilight until the last minute, to make sure tirek really cares about him. really, this isnt the behavior of someone who is just looking for a work partner.

so, tireks got discord right where he wants him, following him around like a lovesick puppy. he puts on a show every time they steal magic together, makes decorative art of them and even celebrates getting the medallion as a gift. i mean, tirek literally tells him to go out n be free, discord chuckles ominously n... the only scene we see of him again is him arranging windows. literally, discord isnt even trying to get away n be free by now, he wants to be with tirek. sure, the guy is starting to get a little weird n angrily pushy now that hes got more power but thats nothing to worry about!! n thats what brings my point around, because then we move to tireks betrayal of discord. hes manipulated discord into giving away every last drop of magic equestria can offer and as a thanks, he sucks out every last drop of magic out of HIM. its painful and you can just see in discords face hes not enjoying it. discord is defeated, humiliated and left ruined, by someone who he thought would love and accept him for who he was, by someone who he was already imagining spending eternity ruling side by side. that whole bright future, its gone, its broken, it will never come back, and on top of that, his friends hate him too.

now, lets fast forward a little bit, ok? what is it that discord says when he hands over the medallion to twilight, as a thanks for showing him mercy?

"tirek convinced he could give me something greater than friendship, but now i see there is no such thing"

... or something like that, i dont have the script pulled up, but i get the picture. now, what was it that discord was saying in this s8 episode? "love is fake". although friendship isnt right? ladies and gentlemen, we just found our culprit. discord believes hes learned his lesson as friendship being good and love being a lie, specially after being abused so terribly, so its obvious hes shocked seeing all the ponies celebrating love, dont they know any better? this is what makes his whole revolving around the episode so important. he sees there might be a way, but, he also is still a bit skeptical.

anyway, all this to say, discord can now be considered canonically gay... for a trauma reason.

yeah, mlp? this isnt good. this whole subtext of discord falling for a guy, being abused by him and then discrediting love? thats not good gay representation. if you wanna have one of your secondary next-to-major cast be gay i applaud you, but please, for the love of god, HURRY THE FUCK UP AND GIVE DISCORD A BOYFRIEND. a real one, not one that will treat him like tirek did and just leave him for dead. and not some androgynous looking character we see with him for 0.5 secs. i want MEAT. i want substance. we had full fledged scenes with sounds n a story arc dedicated to discords abuse. to a GAY MANS abuse. i wanna see yall fucking have the guts to take all that energy n do SOMETHING GOOD. GIVE DISCORD A BOYFRIEND, A GOOD BOYFRIEND. let a gay man character be happy for once in television and be represented in a way that doesnt involve his suffering. thats all (drops mic)

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 3: New Friends

Welcome back. When we last left off, we meet Roz again, the Scary Sue from the last fic. 

Emily's stomach lurched at the very sound of Roz's name. In this case, I actually can´t blame her. Jamie and Emily had known Rosalind for a number of years because both families vacationed yearly at Cap d'Adge. Why are we told this again, since we already know it? In this case, knowing and liking had absolutely no correlation.

No shit, Sherlock!  Roz had detested Jamie from day one and did everything in her power to aggravate and humiliate the girl whenever possible. We are never told why Roz hates Jamie so much, but it seems that she only hates her because of how Pure Jamie Sue is, as clicheed as that may sound. In the last few years, she had even tried getting at Jamie through Emily. Last year, she had tricked Emily into a bet that was both sickening and demeaning. Every time Emily thought of what she had nearly had to do to Roz, she had the urge to heave.

Why is it never brought up that Roz actually wanted to molest Emily? Not to mention that when Roz actually tried to molest her in front of her sisters, Jamie actually did something understandable in that situation - kicking Roz´s face in! But because Jamie is such a Pure Sue, she was so horrified that she did something like that and while Roz was passed out, they had her healed. 

I hate this fic.  Although totally impossible in the din, Roz's head turned toward the group, as if hearing Felicite bring up her name. "Oh shit!" Emily cursed. "She's coming our direction." "Who?" Caitlin and Kim voiced in harmony.

HARMONY HARMONY OHHH LOOOOOOVE 

"Rosalind," Emily said, virtually gagging on the name. Although Kim had never met Roz, the stories she had heard from Emily and Caitlin made her extremely anxious.

I´m actually glad we didn´t have any scenes of Caitlin and Emily telling Kim stories of Roz, that would have been even more pointless filler.  "What's going on here?" Roz said as she swaggered over to the group. "Is this a meeting of the hopeless losers club?" She gave Kim a turned-up-nose glance. "Still picking up new members I see."

Roz shook her head in a self-aggrandizing -___- way. "Daddy said that this year's holiday would be better because we'd be away from all the riffraff, but I imagine the cruise line must allow all types on board or they'd be accused of bias."

As I said, I find it really hard to believe that basically everyone from Cap d´Agde just happens to be on the same cruise ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.  "I'm likewise happy to see you," Jamie said, trying her best to pay no attention to Roz's snide holier-than-thou attitude. Jamie should probably be the last person to complain about other peoples holier-than-thou attitude  "I believe you know everyone except Kim. She's a Sue, just like us! friend of the family." Roz gave Kim the sort of look usually reserved for rancid garbage well, she´s a Sue, so she is not far off! and then turned to a young girl, about Emily and Kim's age, that was shadowing her. "This is my niece Angel," Roz said, acting as if she were introducing royalty. "Angel, you don't even need to know their names," Roz said arrogantly. "Just take a good look at their faces and stay away from them; they're all Sues! not worth your time." Roz turned and walked away as Angel's face flushed. "I'm sorry," she said, sounding sincere. "I... I... I got to go." Angel turned and hurried after Roz. "Well, that was pleasant," Caitlin said acerbically I have never heard that word before, to Emily and Kim. Jamie had returned to her conversation in French SUE! SUE! SUE! with Chantal and Felicite, although now by their frequent glances in the direction of Roz, it was easy to speculate what they were talking about.

"I actually felt sort of sorry for Angel," Kim said. "She didn't appear to be at all like Roz. It looked like she was humiliated by that whole encounter." "I agree," said Caitlin. "It's difficult to believe they are related. Not only do their personalities seem totally different, but also they don't look at all physically alike. I think we should bring her into our Cult! Angel is extremely pretty and Roz is..." Caitlin seemed lost for the proper word. "Roz is an unkempt hag," Emily suggested. "No, that's not being fair to hags in general."

Come to think of it, Roz is the only naturist in the whole Saga outrightly described as ugly, and she also happens to be eeeeevul. Hello, Unfortunate Implications!  "I always thought you were both exaggerating when you described her, but you weren't," Kim said. "She's as miserable and gross as you portrayed her. I can understand a girl or woman not wanting to go to the extreme of being smooth, but you'd think she'd at least trim. And her underarms... ugh!"

Isnt Naturism all about being natural, which bodily hair is supposed to be?

The discussion of Roz came to an abrupt halt when Emily noticed Designated Love Interest #3 Brian walking in their direction accompanied by two other boys; the girls, especially Kim, watched nervously as the boys approached. "Hi," Brian said shyly, upon reaching them. He was addressing them all, but his eyes seemed trained on Kim, who was clearly tense.

This is so forced.  The girls all responded with a muffled greeting. Emily was the first to break the ice. "I see you finally discarded your clothes and got with the program," Emily said, addressing Brian.

Does this all sound like something a 12-13 year old girl would say? "Yeah!" he said. "This is my preferred condition of dress. I've been a naturist my entire life. Unfortunately, coming from Pennsylvania, I don't get to practice it outdoors nearly as much as I'd like. This is Jeff and Mark's first time." He indicated his two friends. "They're only doing it so they can get to see a lot of naked women."

In this fic, it would not surprise me in the slightest.  "You are so full of it," Jeff retorted, and then turned to the girls. "Mark and I have been nudists since we were youngsters; we're fraternal twins. We met this liar on vacation about five years ago; been putting up with him every summer since."

I´m just gonna say this now, Brians two friends are the least of the people who are given any characterisation what so ever over the duration of the whole nudist cruise arc of the fic. They just happen to be there, and don´t contribute to anything.  "How long have you guys been at it?" Mark inquired. "I've been a naturist my entire life," Emily replied. "If I had my way, clothing would never touch my body."

WE ALL KNOW ALREADY  "You sound like a nudism activist," Mark answered back. "I just might be," Emily said, "once I reach the age where my actions won't affect those I care for. Caitlin's only been a nudist two years." "It looks like you and Caitlin get to spend a lot of time bare outdoors," Jeff commented. "You both have great all over tans without a trace of a tan line."

....................... Obviously Jeff had been observing Emily and Caitlin closely, but neither girl seemed the least embarrassed by his comment . It was Kim who blushed because she had very noticeable tan lines. You could see the precise outline of her bathing costume.

Oh, the Horror!  "How long have you been a naturist?" Brian asked, giving Kim a pleasing slasher smile. Kim gulped. She thought about lying, but lies always had a way of coming back to haunt her. Especially since the lie to the other Scary Sues in their dorm is what is making her miserable in the first place.  "I'm not a naturist," she said. "I'm nude lots of times with Kim and Caitlin where they live, but this is the first time I've ever been naked in public." Brian looked at Kim with astonishment. "Then you must be the gutsiest girl on earth," She actually isnt. he exclaimed. "I'd expect you to be scared to death, but you don't look the least ill at ease." "Looks can be deceiving," Kim said with an uneasy laugh.

Well, at least she´s honest!  "Well, one thing is for certain," Brian said truthfully. "You most certainly have nothing to be ashamed of; you're quite lovely." "Thank you," Kim replied, a bright glow covering her entire body. * * * * * *

Snip for a boring scene where Ron is being talked to by the woman from the couple who were ogling them in the previous chapter, and her name is Bonnie. 

We now come to the prelude to one of the dumbest and pervy scenes of the Saga:

"Have either of you ever been on a surfboard before?" Kim asked, looking at Emily and Caitlin. "I haven't," Caitlin said. "Truthfully, I prefer my swimming water in a nice clear pool." "I'm not that grand LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM a swimmer," Emily admitted. "I'd drown if I went out that far." Kim leaned the board back into its rack, dejectedly. "Are you girls going surfing?" Brian called out as he, Jeff and Mark came bounding toward them. "Just looking," Emily replied. "Kim is the only one with the guts and ability to try it." "Then this is her opportunity," Jeff said. "Brian is the main man when it comes to surfing. You'll take her out, won't you dude?"

Even if I didnt know what was coming in this scene, why does this sound so wrong?  "This is a good place to give it a try if you're interested," -___- Brian suggested. "The water is warm and the surf mild. You won't get any thrill rides, but you won't get knocked off the board either." "Why don't you try," Caitlin said encouragingly. "I'm sure the four of us can find something safe to do while Brian and you drown yourselves." "You won't drown," Brian said, reaching out and squeezing Kim's hand. This feels so wrong.... "I'll see to that." "Okay," Kim said giving Brian a smile. "But if I do die, I'm coming back to haunt you." "No chance," Brian said. "Only witches and wizards can become ghosts." UUUUUuuuuuuhhhh.....foreshadowing! He turned to the others. "We'll meet you guys in front of the Banana Beach Bar in about an hour." Kim looked over her shoulder apprehensively as Emily and Caitlin walked off with Jeff and Mark, leaving her alone with Brian. * * * * * * "You have quite a way with cats," Severus said as he watched Katie relate with Crookshanks and Alfred.

Yes, Snape is now starting yet another relation with another former student of his! Yaay Unfortunate Implications!  "They're not cats," Katie corrected Severus. "Crookshanks is part Kneazle and Alfred is a purebred. These guys are both very intelligent and can almost tell at an instant whether you are trustworthy or not."

Just remember:

Neil had by the start of the second fic totally forgotten about both Crookshanks and Alfred, because (in his own words) “they´re not nudists”.  "It's a shame we humans don't possess that ability," Severus commented. "Some do, although most don't realize it or use it to its full potential," Katie said. "Jamie Zacherley is a case in point. Hermione says the ability is strongly manifested in her, but she tends to block it, instead looking for the good redeeming values in people."

“See? She´s totally not a Mary Sue!”  "That sounds like Jamie," Severus said. "How do you think she'd do as a member of staff?" "Next year, just right out of school?" Katie questioned. "But I thought she had plans to go into training as an Auror."

I think this is the first time this is mentioned since the first fic.  "She does," Severus answered. "Unless she and Alex Ward do appalling on their N.E.W.T.s, I would expect them both to be accepted into the program." "I don't understand," Katie said. "If she isn't interested in teaching, why would you be considering her?" "Because Flitwick says she's the best qualified person to replace him when he retires next June." MARY SUE DETECTED BEEP BEEP BEEP Severus answered. "He claims that her abilities stand far above any other candidate we've considered for the position. Not only that, but she's already gained some valuable experience by subbing and has shown a strong aptitude for teaching."

She is one of the biggest Sues I have ever encountered.  "Aren't Ward and she dating?" Katie asked. "Yes! That is what is causing me consternation," Severus answered, shaking his head. "They have been extremely close friends since first year. Very much like Hermione and Harry were. Now, like the Professors, they have been chosen Head Boy and Head Girl. Every indication is that they are destined to be together. I feel that by offering her a position, I'm building a roadblock in the path of their happiness. It would dictate them being apart for three years."

I said this before, but we are never, ever shown why Jamies and Alex´ relationship is supposed to be sp special. 

I doesnt help that most of what Alex does - when he isnt channeling Kirk Cameron - is just to be there and be Jamies Yes-man on everything.  "Are you asking my advice?" Katie asked. "I value your opinion greatly." "Then when the time comes, you must offer her the position. By not doing so, even though your intentions might be honorable, you are trying to control her life. The choice has to be theirs. It will be a difficult choice, but it must be theirs to make."

The way she is saying it makes it sound as if the fate of the world is depending on it! 

* * * * * * 

Cut for another boring beach scene - Sam tells Ron that she´s been hanging out with Bonnies husband Jim. 

I wonder where this is going....

And cut for a Ginny/Draco scene, where they are on vacation and Ginny talks about wanting to be naked. 

We move on to the scene I alluded to earlier:

"Are you nervous?" Brian asked after he and Kim had paddled out to sea a good distance. "Nervous doesn't come even close to describing how I feel," Kim said fearfully. "You'll be fine," Brian said reassuringly. "You just have to trust me. Now getting to our feet can be a little tricky. I'll get up first and then assist you. Once we're both up, relax and lean back against me. Let me move your body in tandem with mine in order to maintain balance. One more thing, forget that we're naked." Forget that we're naked. How the devil am I supposed to do that when you're going to be touching me, when you want me to lean back against you? Why am I here? Why did I agree to do this? Because you´re about to be assimilated. Why is he so nice to me? Why is he so gorgeous? Brian had made what they had to do sound much easier than, in fact, it actually was. Ten times they had tried standing and ten times they had fallen into the brine. I almost except the Dirty Dancing soundtrack to play in the background at this time. Kim was exceeding glad that she was a proficient swimmer; else she would have already given up and begged to return to shore. As it was, she could only picture trying this a few more times. They fell for the eleventh time. "Okay," Brian said with assurance. "The twelfth time is charmed."

UUUHHHHHHH FOOOOORESHADOOWIIIIIING  "It better be," Kim gasped. "I've swallowed about as much ocean as I care to for one day." Brian was on his feet and so was Kim. They were finally actually both standing. "Now relax," Brian said. "Lean against me and let our bodies become one."

:S 

This sounds so wrong.  They were actually riding a wave, albeit a small one, and headed for shore. "This is great," Kim said happily, forgetting for the instant that Brian's naked body was pressed tightly against hers. Then he shifted to change their direction and she felt it. She knew at once what it was and it had nestled itself gently between her butt cheeks. FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!!!!!! Kim panicked and they were both in the water.

I just can´t - and I find it strange to think that this Saga has actual fans.... "What happened," Brian asked after they had both surfaced and caught their breath. "I lost my footing," Kim lied.

Kim, grow a spine!  "Want to go out and give it another try?" Brian offered. "No thanks," Kim begged off. "I've had enough for the first time, but it was fun. Thanks." "It was my pleasure," Brian replied genuinely.

We now move on to Emilys sex obsession:

"Are you sure it was his Willie?" Emily asked as she and Kim lay in bed discussing the events of the day.

I wonder why Emily doesnt just say “penis”, given how obsesses she is with it.  "Well, since I didn't in point of fact see it, I can't be positive," Kim replied. "But I can't imagine what else it could have been. He had a hand on each of my arms and I was leaning back against him." "Was it soft or hard?" Emily persisted.

FUCK YOU NEIL  "I don't know!" Kim said, aggravated at Emily's doggedness. "I just knew it felt weird having a part of him touch me there." Kim thought for a minute. "He must have had a stiffy, otherwise I don't think it would have prodded me to the extent it did. I just know it didn't belong there."

I hate this fic.  "I think you're being overdramatic," Emily said assuringly. "Brian seems like a real nice guy. I'm sure he wasn't trying to do anything improper. It was probably just a natural reaction to his penis having rubbed against your bare skin. Jamie says they sort of have minds of their own sometimes; that guys can't fully control them."

Keep telling yourself that, Neil!  "Speaking of which, have you noticed Professor Weasley's?" Kim asked, her face turning ruby red.

I feel so sorry for Ron in this fic.  "It's somewhat difficult not to," Emily answered. "I wonder whether his large size has anything to do with him being a werewolf." "Probably," Kim answered. "Can you imagine something that large inside you?" She shuddered at the very thought. "I wonder how Sam does it."

Remember this conversation for later in the fic.

I know this may sound weird, but it is actually (kinda) important.  "Well, as we saw when Amanda and Mum gave birth, women can adjust." Emily said, actually fingering herself. FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!!!!! "It must be an awfully tight fit." "Emily, can I ask you a question without you getting irritated and flying off the handle?" Kim questioned warily. "I can only promise to try," Emily said with a laugh. "Lately I seem to have a very short handle." Kim took a deep breath. "Are you and Caitlin gay? Have you had sex? I mean if you are and have, it's okay with me. I just..." She didn't finish.

I actually wonder how Kim got that vibe. 

Emily just stared at the ceiling, completely caught off guard by Kim's questions. "I don't think either of us is gay," she answered. "I'm not sure a person at twelve or thirteen can even be fully confident of their sexual preferences, but we are unquestionably both extremely interested in boys so I don't think that either of us is gay."

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. 

Besides the fact that this here seems extremely homophobic on Neils part - on the one hand constantly denying Homosexuality yet at the same time writing a sex scene between two (UNDERAGED) girls is just classic “Girl on Girl is hot” trope in all its glory. 

Also, apparently Bisexuality doesnt exist here. 

Not to mention that there is a short scene in the last chapter of the first fic in which Caitlin and Emily announce that they are a couple - that scene is never ever referenced to again afterwards. 

Like so many other things in this Saga. Emily took a deep breath, not sure how her best friend was going to handle the balance -___- and I was happy that we didnt have more misuses of the word “balance”  of her answer. "We have experimented with oral sex," Emily honestly admitted. "And we both found that it felt nice." "Oh!" Was all Kim could say in response. "Does knowing that change things between us?" Emily asked apprehensively. "I'm not sure," Kim said nervously. "I love you. You're my best friend, but I could never do that to another girl; not even you."

Well, in this fic, you never know for sure.  "Kim! I love you too and I'd never ask or expect you to do it," Emily replied. "I'm not even sure if I could do it with you. You are my best friend, but Caitlin is my sister and although I can't quite explain it; the two of us have a special something that actually made it feel good and proper."

The fact that she is your (adopted, but still) sister is what makes this even more disturbing - apart from the fact that they are both underage. 

Which again makes me think....Caitlin was raped by Madam Hooch when she was 12, and then two years later "experiments” with Emily - why can´t I help but feel like its a situation where a rape victim goes on to control youngers? "Then I can slumber assured that you won't molest me during the night," Kim said with a laugh.

As I said, Kim:

In this fic, you never know. 

I hate this fic.  "Promise," Emily said. "Will you still hold me if I have another nightmare about that git, like I did last night?"

I think this is the last time we ever hear about the almost-rape at Ford Lauterdale.  "Promise," Kim said, as she kissed Emily on the cheek before turning on her side and shortly going to sleep. * * * * * * More boring stuff, but this thing sticks out:

"How does he do it?" Ron asked as he helped Hermione situate and shade a sleeping Benjamin, all the time trying not to look straight at his friend. Ron was already using a towel to hide his semi-erectness; if he allowed his eyes to fully appreciate Hermione's body, he'd have a full-fledged stiffy that would never give up.

Wouldnt it be kind of interesting to see if Ron was still in love with Hermione despite all the things that happened?

This of course is never followed up upon. 

Ron and Hermione were interrupted by the shrill sound of a woman's voice loudly calling out Hermione's name.

Hermione turned and, upon seeing Michelle Wolfskill, hurried to greet her, giving the relatively fleshy woman a proper hug. Michelle had befriended Hermione last year at Cap d'Adge; she was also responsible for telling the Potters about this cruise. Why are we given exposition again about things we already know? She and her husband, Lloyd, had been good friends of Jennifer and Carl Zacherley, Jamie and Emily's late parents. Who now only are mentioned like this in passing and otherwise no longer acknowledged. Upon first meeting, Michelle in fact mistook Hermione for Jennifer's sister because Jamie and Hermione looked so similar.

Oh. Its been a while since that has been mentioned.  "It's wonderful to see you again," Michelle said, sincerity evident in her voice. At that time she looked at Ron. "Have you brought us a new convert, Hermione?"

I wonder how actual nudists would react to this comment.  "That remains to be seen," Hermione said candidly. "This is Ronald Weasley. Ron, Harry and I have been best friends since our first year of school, despite the fact that we treat him like crap. Ron, this is Michelle Wolfskill. We only just met last summer, but hit it off immediately."

The last part sounds very wrong. 

Again.  Ron and Michelle exchanged smiles and then shook hands, with Ron, naturally maintaining full eye contact. "Where is Lloyd?" Hermione inquired. "Still sleeping," Michelle said disgustingly. "He was gambling till the wee hours of the morning. I didn't realize the ship had a casino when we booked passage or I might have reconsidered. Lloyd has an unhealthy obsession for playing poker, and he also wont have any influence on the plot anyway." Ron listened with great interest. Wizards had nothing that compared to casinos in their world. He was extremely eager to find out more about this form of adult Muggle entertainment. Unfortunately, Harry and Hermione seemed to both eye gambling negatively and Sam had shown little curiosity.

This is the first we ever see any evidence of this. 

This is of course only brought up for a stupid subplot that won´t have any influence or consequences on the main plot anyway.  "That's Samantha, Ron's wife, perched on Harry's shoulders," Hermione said, pointing in the direction of the pool. "We all call her Sam. Jamie is holding their son, Timmy." "You have a very attractive wife," Michelle said, but as she spoke her mind seemed to wander as she glanced at Kim, Caitlin and Emily. "Did you adopt another daughter?"

Basically yes.  "No, although she almost seems like part of the family," Hermione said with a laugh. "That is Kim, she's a good friend of both Emily and Caitlin." "But our family has increased in size," Hermione noted proudly as she bent over and picked up Ben. "I'd like you to meet Benjamin James Potter." "You've had a baby?" Michele said disbelievingly. She gazed at Hermione in skepticism and then at little Ben. Temporarily all other thoughts were erased from her mind as she looked at the adorable baby. "May I hold him?" "Certainly," Hermione said trustingly as she handed Ben to Michelle. "Don't take it personal if he wakes up and starts crying; he's normally been fed by now." "I'll feed him if I may?" Michelle said. "It seems like forever since I've held a baby and giving me grandchildren doesn't seem to be a priority with my children. Where do you have his bottle?"

This is how we know she has children, as it has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again.  "I'm breastfeeding," Hermione said almost penitently because she knew it would draw Michelle attention to her huuuuuuge breasts. Michelle just stared unbelievably at Hermione. There were so many things she was temped to say, so many questions on the tip of her tongue, but she somehow managed to remain mute and instead just nodded her head. "I looked all over Princess Cays for you yesterday," Hermione said. "I'd about come to the conclusion that you had decided not to book passage." "Lloyd and I opted to stay on board yesterday," Michelle advised. "Most of the stops are pretty much the same and Princess Cays, being owned by the line, is the most bland and uninteresting of the islands, and this way, the author doesnt have to write any descriptions of the island." "Ladies," Ron said, getting Hermione and Michelle's attention, "I'm not really in the mood to lie in the sun. If you don't mind, I believe I'll just move over to that table where I'll have a better view of the pool." "Are you sure?" Hermione asked, feeling shoddily for perhaps ignoring him. Ron, however, was already on his feet and didn't answer. Perhaps he hadn't heard her or possibly he was intentionally ignoring her as he headed for the empty table.

I really hate how Ron is treated in this fic - and it only gets worse from here.  * * * * * * Cut for another boring scene with Ron and Bonnie, playing chess - Bonnies husband Jim and Sam notice it. 

"Michele, what's on your mind?" Hermione inquired. "I know you well enough to be able to tell when something is bothering you. It's not like you not to say what you're thinking."

How many betas were supposedly involved in this again? Michelle looked at Hermione hesitantly. "I'd rather not say," she said. "I value your friendship too highly, and we get to see each other so seldom that I don't want to chance saying something that will rub you the wrong way." "Part of the reason I like you so much is because you are frank and tell it like it is. I'd much prefer you come out with whatever it is you want to say rather than let it fester the entire holiday."

It was never shown how close Hermie Sue and Michelle are. This here comes completely out of nowhere.  Michelle shook her head as she bit down on her lip. "You're a Mary Sue! different," she finally said. "I like you. I like you very much, but there is something different about you; and by you I mean you and your entire family." Hermione looked at Michelle concernedly. She was expecting a question in regards to her breasts or her body springing back to shape so fast after having Ben, but she wasn't expecting this. Michelle most certainly didn't know that she was magical, but somehow she had realized that she was unusual.

Sues usually do stick out wherever they are, even in a Saga like this with multiple Sues.  "Last year when we first met, I took an instant liking to you," Michelle said. "I imagine most people do; you have that sort of charisma about you. Of course, I was cheering for Jamie in the competition." Of course she was. She hesitated a moment. "I was watching the day of the contest when Jamie reached the hotel clutching her breasts in pain. Having done some nude running myself in my younger days, I could be empathetic with the tenderness she was feeling. It was evident that the girl could run no more."

I was already thinking in the last fic that it is a miracle that no one saw Caitlin and Hermione perform their Sue Powers on Jamie out in the open.  "But then I watched as you and Caitlin held hands and went into what seemed to be a deep trance. Jamie who had been sitting very quietly, almost as if in a trance herself, began to move about as if... Well, from my viewpoint she seemed to be reacting to her chest being rubbed, yet neither you nor Caitlin had touched her. This went on for a time until Emily came running up to you. She almost went into a panic yelling and shaking the three of you before finally there was a response."

Yeah. Busted.  "As you know Jamie went back and finished that race not showing any sign of even a token amount of tenderness. I kept my judgment to myself, not even telling my husband my suspicions. He probably would have considered me mad anyway. Besides, after what you and Harry had done... how you had taken those girls into your home and heart. I didn't want to think negatively of you."

I wonder, why would this make her think negatively of them?

Neil can´t write.  "But now look at you. Hermione, I've been a nurse for over twenty years," This is also only mentioned right now out of nowhere! Michelle declared. "Your body is flawless. The most obvious unfeasibility is your breasts. Natural breasts the size of yours do not, cannot defy gravity, especially when breast feeding."

This whole breast fixation is really creepy, but not surprising.  "But that's not all," Michelle went on. "Your skin is perfect. Not a stretch mark or even a pimple anywhere. Even the scar you had on your arm last year; probably from a childhood injury, is gone."

Oh G-d... Hermione glanced at her arm, almost in panic. Michelle was correct. The scar that she had gotten on her arm from a bicycle accident was gone. The massages that Caitlin had given her during her pregnancy had done far more than intended.

This is the first time we ever hear of said scar, as it certainly wasnt there the previous fic. 

Neil can´t write.  "Michelle, I don't know what to..." "Look Out! They're attacking!" shrieked a woman. "My god what are they!"

It´s Madam Hooch coming to eat all of their nipples!  "They're going for those girls!" "Someone help them, please! Oh my god, those poor kids." End of Chapter Three

I “love” how Neil loves to end chapters with completely stupid and unnecessary cliffhangers. 

Thank you very much to all of you that have reviewed. I thought that by now you might have tired of my stories, but the response to the first two chapters has been very gratifing.

Yeah, I can´t believe people actually liked it.  Thank you also to my wonderful betas: Amber, Paul, Matt and Peter work very hard to turn my gibberish into a readable chapter. Your betas suck! If anyone is concerned with the direction the story is headed with regards to Sam/Ron/Bonnie/Jim, please address you howlers to Paul. He suggest that sub plot.

Paul is stupid then. 

And believe me: 

It only gets worse. 

[tumblunni]

I wish I could hug y'all!

In fact I think I will make it A LIFE GOAL I really really wanna someday be able to visit all my friends who live in different countries! Its something good to save up for, even if it'll probably take years. So.. lets randomly ramble in a journal about Plans!! IDEA THE FIRST TRIP THE FIRST FIRST THE FIRST: THE SEQUEL I think it'd probably make sense to go to america first, since i have a lot of close friends living there and I don't need to learn another language. (I am notoriously dumb...) But then afterwards I could set another goal to save up and visit another friend in another country! IT WILL NEVER ENDDDDD, THATS WHY ITS CALLED FRIENNNNDDDDD So far all I have confirmed is that two of my friends would be happy to see me if I was able to visit america, @darkeiya and @summon-daze But its not like I've exactly asked everyone else, so I dunno really how many people I might be able to visit. And it depends on time constraints too, i might only be able to spend a full day or two with the closest friends and maybe then if there's more than three of us we could all meet up together and hang out en masse? Depends on how tricky it'd be for everyone to get to the same place! SO! PLANS AND THINGS I NEED TO PREPARE! workin to figure out a precise money goal im gonna save for * Become Fab * no but srsly i wanna look my best if im meeting friends in person for the first ever time. need to acquire Cool T-Shirts * figure out what exactly you can and cannot take on an aeroplane, and how to deal with anxiety if i cant take electronics. Nothing's as distracting as videogames when you're freakin out! * DO NOT SCHEDULE ANYTHING ON THE 11th-14th OF THE MONTH. i have a bad history of my period landing on these days ONLY when i have to do something important. Or when its my birthday :P I dont need even more reason to feel nauseous on a plane! * figure out how many days the stay will be, and how many clothes etc I need to bring. probably a basic thing, but this is my first time going on a holiday alone so i need to write stuff down to make sure i remember! * figure out how long exactly I want to spend with each friend, and how long I can afford in hotel fees. And does a plane ticket cos more if you're staying for longer? * find out what kind of luggages are easiest to carry and how to carry three luggages when i have two hands. Can you tie them together and make a luggages train??? * Find some sort of secure way to carry large amounts of money. I'm gonna have to do that since I need to get all my currency converted before I go. I was thinking maybe a little matchbox tin chained to the inside of my coat or around my neck? Something where you couldnt get it without roughhousing with me, and it'd still be hard to pull it off the chain. Gives me a precious few extra minutes to yell for help/possibly bludgeon a guy with a suitcase * Figure out hotel(s) in different areas of america, depending on how far I'll have to travel. And figure out affordable ways to travel the difference if its not a situation where the friend can pick me up. And make sure they are cool hotels, not just the absolute minimum! i wanna make a fun tourist experience of the hotels!! I havent been in a hotel since I was a kid! * Possibly schedule it like a 'safehouse' thing? Returning to home base! I need to make sure I schedule around the potential anxiety of doing so much travel in a new place. So maybe schedule it out so I have a period of me-time in between visiting each friend? Itd probably cost too much to rent a hotel room for an entire day in between so maybe just schedule it out so I have half a day at least. I dunno if hotels allow you to sleep in all day tho, are there rules about what time you need to be up and out? * I'm kinda looking forward to using hotel beds and showers cos theyre like luxury compared to my house XD man, I wonder if I could get a place with a hot tub?? or the fabled mini-bar?? (which i would drink nothing of, but it would be fun to take photos!) And it'd be so cool to see what american breakfasts are like! And lol all my friends have just been like 'YOU NEED TO SEE OUR LOCAL RESTAURANTS' and im like... dude, i dont need to get fatter XD lets limit it to ONE! * I dunno if my friends would just wanna hang out in their local mall or something, or if I could visit their house and say hi to their family? that might be going too far. i'll still bring gifts they can give to their family tho, i wanna show my appreciation to everyone!! * are you allowed to bring extra empty suitcases onto the plane with you? I'm anticipating that knowing myself im probably gonna buy enough souveniers to need one. I'm planning to basically have half the money be for travel and then half again is just for buying NOVELTY HATS! * need to make sure to finally get a passport, and also consult heavily with my support worker and friends to make sure i have every form of travel documentation in order. I know stuff is... not good, in america right now. Thats probably why it'd be good that it'd take me years to save up for a visit, hopefully i'd be there after the next election. But I need to prepare anyway, in case border control is even more stringent. * Prepare the 'ol misgendering, because getting strip searched and treated as a suspicious threat is a very big reality for trans people. Having the wrong gender marker on your birth certificate is treated as 'this passport must be a forgery' rather than.. yknow.. transgender people exist. And then you need to be invasively handled by the guards to make sure you aren't packing explosives down your goddamn pants, they have to inspect the parts of you that you're most self concious about. *shudder* I've heard a lot of horror stories. I dunno if america is any better about it. But yeah I'm probably gonna have to just pass as female during boarding and hotels and stuff, and not wear my binder til i get to meet my friends. Saves trouble... Man, I might have to even go buy some more cliche feminine outfits or something, to make sure. Itd be fun burning them afterwards, I guess... * BRING GIFTS FOR FRIENDS N FAMILY! Figure out what is and isnt allowed to be transferred between countries. As far as I know I cant bring any form of food or drink right? I'm only allowed to eat the in-flight meals? Thats a shame cos I wanted to bring welsh cakes, theyre the only one of our local delicacies that's not a super acquired taste. (I tried bara bryth for the first time and DIED) And I dunno if anyone would be interested in silly souveniers of my country but I could get a pile of em if you are! Want an eight foot tall lovespoon? Want a giant inflatable daffodil? Want a bazillion ceramic dragons? * I am determined to bring at least one personalized super awesome gift for each person! It might just be an expensive merchandise of their fave show, it might be some form of handmade handicraft of one of their ocs! whatever I'm able to do! ^_^ * BRING SKETCHBOOKS SO WE CAN DRAW TOGETHER. LEARN THE WAYS OF THE AMERICAN MASTERS. * hey does anyone wanna trade trading cards yo. They'd be like the single easiest thing to bring with me, but I only have a handful of pokemon ones and i only really have one friend that I know likes yugioh. (And she's in england) * WE CAN FOOL AROUND LIKE DOOFS. God willing, if anyone wants to join me I will play water balloon tennis or jalapeno roulette or any sort of insane friend activity you can think of!! Gotta make up for the fact im a boring teetotaler. Tho lol I probably already act more drunk than the real drunks at a party XD * TAKE A LOT OF PHOTOS!! And possibly try and acquire a portable video camera? I'd only photo/video anyone if they gave me permission, and I wouldnt post it online unless I also had permission for that. I just wanna make a lot of memories and record them forever! Whenever I feel down, I can remember this amazing trip!!! * remember to get one of those plug adaptor thingies cos american plugs have one less prong. Gotta trade the pokeymons!! I know I can already do that easily online but BATTLING IN PERSON WOULD BE EPIC * ...bring an Ash cosplay? XD * no but seriously if i could schedule this right to coincide with an american convention or something that'd be awesome! EVEN MORE SOUVENIERS! And I could actually try cosplaying!! I'd have to find a character that suits me tho, I dont wanna get laughed at like everyone always does with fat people cosplaying thin characters. (Like... almost every character is thin, yo. let people do what they want) * possible idea: magma admin tabitha from pokemon? he's like the only fave I have who's chubby but not like... inherantly a comic relief ugly guy or a seventy year old grandpa. I wanted to do quina quen from final fantasy 9 but I dont think I have the charisma to pull it off. I'd get paranoid if people just treated the character how they treat the character, my brain would twist everything into an insult on my costume or myself XD also I kinda already look like tabitha, tho I'd either have to go without hairdye or like... wear a wig in my natural hair colour. Also his costume is super heavy and sweaty in a convention setting, according to what I;ve heard from other team magma cosplayers. (Makes you wonder how on earth they all wore it on a volcano!) * WHAT IS AN AMERICAN BISCUIT. They look like savoury welshcakes??? Learn about all the language differences! Man I wish I could bring food souveniers back with me, I'd never be able to try every single different foodstuff in america in one day without DYING. AND DYING AGAIN. * Collect product wrappers and advertisements! Its always really interesting to me to see the differences between countries! A friend mailed me an american cola once and the bottle was a whole different shape??? (he also mailed me a bunch of spent shotgun shells, which was kinda terrifying cos I was currently in a christian homeless shelter and I didnt exactly wanna cause trouble XD Apparantly it is totally legal to own unuseable bullets tho, as long as you dont have a gun.) * I dunno if any of my friends would be equally interested in similar things? i could take requests for weird british stuff to bring with me! * for summon-daze specifically: since we are both cuddly honest goofballs of childlike joy, maybe bring some of my plushie collection to show her? I'd usually just bring one as an emergency anti-anxiety measure. Tho the embarassment from having a full on meltdown in public and having to be seen hugging a plush toy to keep from crying means its not 100% effective. Only works good when I'm with people who arent judgmental. Secret pocket gengar plush is good for other times! (I've been squeezing that thing during doctors appointments and nobody noticed!) * extra reason why I'd love to visit my friends: visiting my friends's pets. I have been absolutely blessed by images of dazy's pet cat Pam, and apparantly her family has a few other cats and a dog! O_O WHAT AN AMAZING LIFE YOU LIVE. I always tell her to give pam a hug from me, and I know pam probably wouldnt like me very much when we first meet cos she's shy, but still I'd love to at least see her. I wish cats could somehow know that they give joy to people through the internet! * ...are you allowed to bring medications across the border? is there a procedure I need to go through to be allowed to bring my antidepressants? Would painkillers be allowed too? If not, is there anywhere I could buy plane-bring-onnable headache meds in the lobby or something? Just anticipating that I might get a stress migraine on the plane, cos it'd be my first time ever flying. * are you allowed to take photos out the plane window, if you use a non electronic camera? i know you cant really see anything but panning landscapes but it still sounds awesome!

[nurseyydex]

consider this: SMH & one direction

i just wanna talk about smh and 1d ok im so sorry this wasnt supposed to be this long i have no control 

dex grew up with sisters (let me have this he has a bunch of sisters ok) so not only was he completely unable to escape one direction he was not allowed to get away with any sort of ‘bands that have mainly young female fanbases are not real music’ misogyny that lots of teen boys and adult males have 

so he likes 1d he doesnt advertise but he had to listen to them a lot so he knows their entire discography and what they have some good songs ok bro 

so yeah they find their way into his workout playlists so fucking what man they’re fucking hype songs 

his fave is niall bc hes chill and just wants to drink beer and play his guitar and listen to dad rock and he’s irish (dex is irish and is grandma loves niall bc she’s irish and what a sweet young lad) he’s not like die hard niall stan but he knows all of the 1d discourse from his sisters debating (im willing to listen to other opinions my back up is louis bc hes a punk) 

he save up one year (and got help from his fam) to get tickets for his sisters to see a wwa concert as a birthday/christmas/every holiday present bc theyre expensive and they dont have a lot of money 

his mom technically bought the tickets he just helped pay for them and the girls surprised him with a ticket for him to come with (mama poindexter: well i cant let them go alone who’s gonna watch them you have to go make sure they dont get arrested for doing something stupid) dex played it cool but it was such a fun concert and so fun to hang out with his sisters tooo

nursey now is a goddamn hipster u cant tell me he isnt into a bunch of british alternative bands and bc of his brit music phase he knew about one direction from the very start at the x factor stage (he definitely mentions this all the goddamn time when they start becoming popular but he chills out through the years)

hes been to at least one concert for every tour (he even got tickets to the madison square garden show) - he went to every concert with his sister but it was his idea to go and she was just there to keep an eye on him

also a big reason he got into the band was zayn like heres a pakistani muslim boy who’s super talented with these white dudes and that representation is super important (i also hc nursey as muslim or at least partially but zayn is a brown muslim boy killing it so yeah its awesome) 

but nurseys fave tho is harry especially when harry is a total hoe with long hair and jewelry and those red carpet looks like nursey is in love but also in awe bc those sparkly boots and that floral suit like those are iconic Looks™ and nursey loves it bc gender isnt real and he loves hoe looks (zayn is like 1.5 tho bc nursey is in love)

nursey tries to serenade dex with little things one day when they’re chilling by the pond on the grass and dex punches him bc nursey is making him emo even when he knows dex doesnt have emotions (in public in front of people who can see him cry)

bitty likes them they’re no beyonce but theyre fun and attractive and yeah hes gonna have some fun dancing to them he isn’t really up with all the drama and disc*urse until the boys have 1d nights and they watch this is us and the concert dvds bc he learns a lot 

he loves 2013 era harry and all the time liam (that boy is thicc and bitty 100% does not swoon)

holster like come tf on holster loves them he unironically and passionately loves one direction completely unashamed he does not care for your opinions and no one makes fun of him bc he’s a 6′4 fucking big ass hockey player who could drop kick u across campus if he wanted to

he claims he doesnt have a fave but he would die for all of them 

his fave rotates seasonally and he has a different fave for each era 

he went to the tmh tour and he’s gone to every tour since - he goes with his sisters bc its a bonding topic for them he sits at the edge of the floor or at the end of a row on the sides bc hes so tall he feels so bad and he tries to stay out of the way of the little girls behind him but hes nice to them and talks to them and so they like him even if hes a giant

but really he and his sisters are so close bc they have a lot of similar interests and they talk about pop culture stuff and its hard to keep intouch when hes away so much but they have group chats about 1d and tv shows and stuff so its so nice for them to keep up a strong bonding time 

ransom is a britney bitch and holster dragged him into 1d. he’s in it for the memes and the drama really. (he likes the songs and thinks its fun but he wouldnt have been a fan and gone to concerts if it wasnt for holtz)

holster takes him to the wwa concert and they have a blast 

holster also drags his ass to see this is us opening night (they both cry)

chowder just loves everyone and he doesnt understand why people hate 1d (or other pop artists with majority young female fan bases that ppl hate bc misogyny) when theyre so fun he’s not an active /fan/ until smh has team bonding nights involving one direction jam sessions and concert dvd watching and drunk history

on such 1d nights they put on one of the dvds and it accidentally turns into a drinking game (mainly drinking bc this part of my god did u see that !!! THAT NOTE CHANGE !!!! and ZAYN WHY !!!! and other painful parts) and some of them *cough* nursey dex and holster *cough* get possibly the most drunk they ever get bc of this 

theres loud awful drunk singing along and some sobbing (this is definitely not based off of any sort of personal experience whatsoever nope never done this before) 

after the movie when everyone is so drunk they talk about 1d history which is how the veterans teach the others about the exciting drama and disc*urse  

lardo is a bad bitch who is tough as fuck and manages a division I mens hockey team and every single one of them is afraid of her. AND she would not let any bro tease her for liking one direction bc why the fuck not. 

she has plenty of their songs thrown in arting playlists and in pump up playlists 

and she knows theres nothing better to cheer holster up when he’s having a rough day than a 1d dance sesh 

dont forget where you belong is the first song on her team bonding playlist bc its a love song to ur bandmates which transfers very well to love songs to ur teammates 

shitty unapologetically loves 1d and boy bands and girl bands and he supports all things that young girls love but are not taken seriously bc girls like them 

he’s written at least 3 papers/projects on the misogyny surrounding young girls and their interests and involvement in fandom and also boybands (he tries to fight all guys who disrespect girls’ interests and the power of teenage girls)

he’ll randomly show up to a 1d night bc obvi he’s in that gc and he’s ready to party and express emotions and dance and talk drama 

he loves harry bc “THAT FLOW MAN!!! HIS FLOW IS SO SICK!!!”

he cried when harry posted the pic of the hair he chopped off and cried when he saw the another man shoot where harry was defying all sorts of societal norms it was beautiful and his flow is still so nice even this short its ok it’ll grow back better than before

one friday night the lax bros sneak over to try to prank the haus and peak in the window and see half of the hockey team in the living room drunk off their ass singing loudly to a one direction concert on the tv - holster and nursey jumping around attempting to dance along, ransom clinging to bitty on the floor crying about a ‘hiatus’, bitty soothing ransom, dex forgetting about the drink in his one hand to drink rum from the bottle, shitty naked (not surprising) and slow dancing with a life sized cut-out of harry styles with tears streaming down his face (more surprising), and chowder lying on the couch singing through mouthfuls of pie 

they walk back to the lax bro house without executing the prank and they never mention it again

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: 9th December 2018

Geez, today was a busy week. Before we talk about the top 10, however, let’s just get the massive elephants out of the way.

CHRISTMAS NONSENSE

It’s the festive season and one way people celebrate the holidays is by listening to its music – usually, Christmas music, of course, and since I review all returning entries that I haven’t talked about yet, sigh... There are seven of these so I’m going to go as quick as possible, but just bear with me throughout this section because I really don’t like Christmas music all that much. Let’s just get it over with.

#39 – “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – Brenda Lee

This is “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, a song written by Johnny Marks and released in 1958 in the US, being left on the shelf for four years until its release in the UK in 1962. In 1963, it peaked at number-six and has since re-entered due to digital downloads, with one of its highest recent peaks being number-seven last year. It’s pretty inoffensive rockabilly, with some nice very-50s guitar licks coming in throughout, and some decently-sounding production, but really it’s not anything of internet until that sax solo. That solo is freaking gorgeous, and I’m glad it’s there, because otherwise this would just kind of fall to the wayside. Not sure I like Lee’s voice on here, it comes off as a bit nasal, but it’s not a big deal. It’s alright, I guess. I expected to say RIP here since she was popular such a long time ago, but no, she’s still alive and kicking. Good for her.

#36 – “Merry Christmas Everyone” – Shakin’ Stevens

Now this is where it all breaks down into dread. This song by Shakin’ Stevens is Godawful, mostly because of how painfully manufactured the whole thing is. It’s overproduced Christmas music that is just jolly feelings and nothing else. Those horns that kick in after the first verse are pretty cool, but Stevens doesn’t sound great here – or at least I can’t tell because he’s drowned in reverb – and the choir might as well be a computer for all I care. Also, the sax solo was cool the first time in Brenda Lee’s track, but here it’s just trite, especially when you add those shooby-doo-wops over it. This track was initially the Christmas number-one for 1985, and I understand why, but does it really have to come back every year since 2007 – for over 60 weeks in total? Oh, it peaked last year at #10 too. Let’s hope this upwards trend doesn’t continue.

#35 – “Santa Tell Me” – Ariana Grande

Now for a more recent one from arguably the biggest popstar in the world right now, with her 2014 song that actually failed to chart in the Top 40 initially until last year at #29, and that’s its peak so far... whilst I’ve never been a fan of the cleaner, refined Ariana Grande records, I do have a soft spot for this one. That melody is infectious and the sleigh bells complement the synth bass in a way I didn’t think they would, and it’s not like the drums are all that overpowering here, although a trap skitter would have worked better here (yeah, I know, not something I say often). It’s surprisingly romantic and sensual for a song with Santa in the title, actually, although it’s about men who have wronged her. Anyway, Ariana kills it but what else do you expect from a song from her at this point? It’s a good track, although the final chorus with the choir is really cluttered, just saying, it’s messy.

#30 – “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” – Michael Bublé

This here is Michael Bublé’s cover of traditional Christmas classic written in 1951 by Meredith Wilson, and it’s not great. Obviously, I mean, it’s Michael Bublé, ever since “Haven’t Met You Yet” he’s been utterly useless seasonal radio fodder. Bublé never really sounds bad but he never sounds interesting, and this production isn’t doing him any favours. It’s sickly sweet strings and brass for the most part, with some piano added in there for good measure, after what seems to be way too long of just airy synth, string and guitar noise – that’s really out of place, guys, why is this on the single edit? Ah, what else to say? Oh, right, nothing.

#26 – “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” – Band Aid

Oh, I know it’s Christmas time, alright, this song won’t let me forget it. I could ramble on about how preachy and awful this charity single is but other people have done it better. I just have four short things to say – 1.) this was the most popular song in the UK of the entire 80s. Yikes. 2.) This is the worst thing the Boomtown Rats have had any involvement in. They’re such a great band, hell so are Culture Club. How do Boy George, the Boomtown Rats, Ultravox, Phil Collins, U2, Kool & the Gang, Sting and Duran Duran make something this awful? They’re all absolutely fantastic musicians in their own right. 3.) That synth that kicks in after a while is pretty ugly, not gonna lie, and is unfitting for the condescending Christmas charity single angle they’re going for here – mostly because that’s what it really is. 4.) We’ve remade and reissued and re-entered this song too many times. Let it go, Britain. Please. We’re begging you. It’s for a good cause, and I appreciate how much money it’s raised, but it’s also garbage.

#18 – “Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl

They use the word because it was the 80s, it’s not meant to mean homosexual and it’s not used in that context – albeit still a negative one – and the climate of Ireland, especially the Celtic punk scene, wasn’t exactly going to care about dropping that slur in their Christmas single. It should still be censored, though, I mean, black rappers saying the N-word is morally okay, but we still mute those, right? Anyway, this is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. It starts with a beautifully elegant piano melody, with the lead singer of the Pogues, Shane MacGowan, mumbling his way through his verse, but instead of people like Future or Lil Baby, there’s still a lot of sincerity there, I feel, and a lot of soul is put into expressing the lyrics here in the raspy tone that I absolutely love. I’m not going to talk much about the story here mostly because I’m not going to go in-depth, but it’s about a typical love story going awry at some point due to a betrayal. Oh, and the moment the Celtic traditional instruments come in is one of the best moments in music – ever. Kirsty MacColl sounds so lovely here, and the harmonisations in the chorus are fantastic. That flute solo is gorgeous, and the juxtaposition between “you’re a bum, you’re a punk, you’re an old s--- on junk, lying there almost dead as a drip on that bed” and the cheerful instrumental is just hilarious to me, especially since right after “Happy Christmas your a---, I thank God it’s our last” is immediately followed by the bombastic drunk sing-a-long chorus. The third verse is also such a great back-and-forth, man, I can’t even bring to words how much I admire and adore this piece of music. This is the best song I think I’ve ever talked about on this show, by far, but it could have easily not been close if “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders returned this week. We’ll just hope for next week, I guess. Rest in peace to Kirsty MacColl, gone much too young.

#14 – “Last Christmas” – WHAM!

Finally, we have our last Christmas song for this week’s holiday REVIEWING THE CHARTS special. It’s an anti-climactic end, to be honest, because I’m pretty indifferent to this song. It’s pretty 80s, to be fair, so I’ve got to like some of the cheesy falsetto vocalisations from the late George Michael at the start, as well as those repetitive synths that keep themselves from sounding awful by having those sleigh bells and pretty damn nice keys covering them. That chorus is iconic, but the rest of the lyrics are just forgettable. Honestly, it’s a good background song and it’s a well-written, catchy pop track with Michael putting in some good vocals throughout, but, it’s nothing special. Nothing but respect to George Michael, though, rest in peace, he’s a pop legend over here.

Christmas Conclusion

The best Christmas song on the charts right now is easily “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, but an Honourable Mention goes to Mariah Carey for “All I Want for Christmas is You”. Yup, that’s still here, we’ll get to that in a second. Worst of the Week goes to Band Aid for “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” You should be ashamed, Bob. Dishonourable Mention is going to Shakin’ Stevens for “Merry Christmas Everyone”. Other Christmas songs you should check out are “Christmas in Harlem” by Kanye West, Teyana Taylor and CyHi tha Prynce featuring Musiq Soulchild (heck, check out the longer version if you wish), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders, “Stop the Cavalry” by Jona Lewie, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” by Tyler, the Creator and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” by DMX. Yes, those last two actually exist. Now, this Christmas section has taken longer and is longer to read than about half of my normal episodes, so I think we should get straight into...

Top 10

Well, this all feels a bit more familiar. “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande is still at the top of the charts five weeks in, and it doesn’t really seem to have much competition.

Ava Max, however, is making a surprise run for the top, up four spots to number-two, with “Sweet but Psycho”. I wouldn’t exactly be complaining if this hit the top either.

“Without Me” by Halsey is up a spot to number-three.

We have a new entry from the most recent X Factor winner, Dalton Harris, with a cover of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Christmas classic “The Power of Love”, featuring James Arthur. I guess awful Christmas songs aren’t going away for that long, huh? Obviously this is Dalton’s first top 10, and Arthur’s fifth.

“Thursday” by Jess Glynne is down two spaces to number-three.

Up a whopping 28 spaces this week to number-six is, you guessed it, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”. This isn’t its first top 10 turn, and it’s not its peak, but still impressive to reach here nonetheless.

This means “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down five spaces to number-seven.

“Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie has actually gained nine spaces, surprisingly, and to my dismay, to number-eight, becoming Arthur’s sixth and Anne-Marie’s fifth.

Oh, and if you wanted even worse news, up an even larger 29 spaces is “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez, becoming both their first (and hopefully for 6ix9ine, only) top 10 hit at number-nine. I like the song, but I don’t like Tekashi, to say the least.

We have another new entry at #10 this week with “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus. This is Ronson’s sixth top 10 hit and Cyrus’ fourth (yeah, I thought she had more too).

Now, instead of separating what happened on the charts into Dropouts, Climbers, Returning Entries, Fallers and such, let’s separate into two sections: “What Survived” and “What Suffered”.

What Survived

What survived means essentially everything that still managed to chart this week, and I’m actually surprised by how much power some of these songs have. Going in reverse order, I have no idea how “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee and Maluma managed to cling on despite a 17-space fall to #40. “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is down 16 to #38, “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is down four to #37, “Empty Space” by James Arthur is down 10 to #34 (why did James Arthur of all people have the strength to stay during the avalanche?), “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is down eight to #33, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down 27 to #32 (considering both streaming cuts and Christmas bloodbath), “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker has returned to #31 for some reason, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish is down seven to #28 (again, surprised this one’s still here), “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is down eight to #27, “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is down 11 to #24, “Polaroid” by James Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella is down 11 to #23, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is down eight to #22, “Better” by Khalid is down five to #20, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee is down seven to #16, as is “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Travis Scott and Offset right next to it at #15, “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo is down five to #12, and everything else that’s currently charting is either simply not notable (a drop or climb less than four spaces), in the top 10, a new arrival, a Christmas re-entry or in the top 10. Jesus. Now, what’s gone?

What Suffered

This is a little nicer name for what’s dropped out in the absolute onslaught of Christmas music and new arrivals (all returning and new entries this week total to 12 songs that weren’t on the chart before). This week was an absolute bloodbath, and these are the murder victims. Former #1 “Shotgun” by George Ezra is out from #30, “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz is out from #28, “AirForce” by Digdat is out from the #20 debut, “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes is out prematurely from #27, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is out again from #36, another former #1 “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is out from #31, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #32, “I Found You” by benny blanco and Calvin Harris is out from #29, “MIA” by Bad Bunny featuring Drake is out from #35, “Always Remember Us this Way” by Lady Gaga is out from #39, “Goodbye” by Jason Derulo and David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj and Willy William is out from #40 and finally, “Back and Forth” by MK, Jonas Blue and Becky Hill is out from #37. I’d say it’s time to move onto the New Arrivals – but before, I’d like to say that the BBC redesigned their UK Top 40 page, and it looks pretty cool. Anyways:

NEW ARRIVALS

#29 – “MAMA” – 6ix9ine featuring Kanye West and Nicki Minaj

Of course, DUMMY BOY only had a stunted tracking week last week, so we have the effects of the album this week. This is 6ix9ine’s third top 40 hit in the UK, Nicki Minaj’s thirty-seventh (yeah, I know, it’s insane), and Ye’s even crazier forty-third, and to be honest, it’s inoffensive, which is something I’d never thought I’d say about a 6ix9ine song, but, hey, it is what it is. Murda Beatz’s production is pretty cool for what it is, and I do like the eerie synth loop. 6ix9ine’s delivery is lazy and boring – and I still think we shouldn’t let rappers say they kick women out of doors – but he doesn’t last long so when Kanye comes in with that “man, oh my God” refrain it gets so much better. I’m so used to Kanye West’s pop-culture rambling, social media criticism/obsession, somehow relating to women nonsense he brings to nearly every single verse he does recently that I’m used to it, it’s just something I’ve heard before delivered relatively comedically. Nicki’s refrain and verse actually has some work put into it, unlike the dudes’ bars, so yeah, I appreciate that, although her delivery and cadence is exhaustingly blunt and straightforward, to the point where it’s just kind of tiring. There’s some decent wordplay there, I guess. This is okay enough, and pretty much top-tier Tekashi to be honest. “KANGA” also featuring Ye is even better, though.

#17 – “Going Bad” – Meek Mill featuring Drake

Meek Mill and Drake working together is something I expected to happen anyway. Meek and Drake have seemingly squashed their beef and have relaxed after the “Back to Back” situation and their popular 2015/2016 beef that revealed a lot about Drake, specifically his ghostwriting from Quentin Miller, and eventually stressed Meek’s relationship with Nicki enough for them to break up as a result. Oh, and you better believe they mention “back to back” because of course they do, it’s the only funny wordplay they can conjure up, apparently. This is Meek Mill’s first ever top 40 hit in the UK (congratulations) and in stark contrast, Drake’s forty-fifth (yes, even more than Kanye), and his thirteenth just this year (probably and hopefully his last), and it’s mediocre. I didn’t know what to expect because I’ve never really cared enough about Meek to listen to him, but an out-of-tune piano absolutely demolished by some bass while Drake spouts off with stuff like “I got more slaps than the Beatles” isn’t exactly the best first impression. Is there a chorus here, or not? I can’t tell, everything’s just kind of the same until the ad-lib break that’s long enough for Genius to count it as an entirely different section of the song than in Meek’s verse. It was “Interlude” when I looked but it might be “Post-Chorus” now. Yeah, it should be clear I don’t care enough about this song. I do like Drake’s delivery in the hook, though, it’s pretty energetic, but not enough to save it.

#10 – “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” – Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus

So, yeah, I like this. It starts with some beautiful strings right before Miley Cyrus fades in with her country twang that I’m starting to really appreciate, and those guitars come in to complement her and the deeper bass that I like the addition of, it really contrasts the otherwise pretty light production, that seems to be dramatic but kind of unfitting for the lyrical content about how the world can hurt you but heartbreak is the worst possible thing, because despite the beat’s melodrama it’s too upbeat to really work here, I feel. Ah, well, the hook is pretty memorable, and the orchestral stings is just one little barely-noticeable production quirk that I can talk about, seriously, Mark Ronson puts so much effort into crafting these songs over the years, it’s pretty great. It may be a bit too repetitive and slow for my taste, but, yeah, I can dig this. Good song, just not much to say about it.

#4 – “The Power of Love” – Dalton Harris featuring James Arthur

The girl gets Leona Lewis, the Scouse dude gets Kaiser Chiefs, yet the WINNER gets James Arthur?! Really, James Arthur? Poor dude. You must know you’re an amazingly talented singer when you get James Arthur put on your song and you still make a surprisingly decent winner’s single, hell, even win in the first place. Arthur is such an awful vacuum of talent, I was scared Harris would be affected by this but no, even with my half-bothering with the show this year I can tell he’s been consistently great, and he’s definitely not bad on here either, although the production has no unique charm to it and is just plastic Syco production as you expect, with James Arthur bringing an above-average performance (this means still pretty bad) with his moaning and straining that just pains me to listen to. Seriously, James, let’s have a cactus-to-man talk and let me teach you how to not sound like my dead cat who just popped some Xanax.

Conclusion

Worst of the Week goes to Dalton Harris and James Arthur for “The Power of Love” – at least “Going Bad” has some energy and legitimate soul to it, although Meek Mill and Drake still get Dishonourable Mention. Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus take Best of the Week home for “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart”, and hell Kanye and Nicki made “MAMA” bearable enough for them and 6ix9ine to get Honourable Mentions. See ya next week, where we’ll probably see a few more Christmas songs. Delightful.

[blondeandbubblyent-blog]

blonde & bubbly: 12.27

in this episode: talking about the holiday season and the most recent drama to unfold on the hills.

sabine: hello and welcome back beautiful listeners. i’m sabine al-masri bennet and with me is the always gorgeous madison ware.

madi: hey babes it’s madi and i’m so excited to be back with you guys!

sabine: as always, before we start let’s open our bottle of the day which is a 2002 louis roederer cristal champange gold mediallion jeroboam. so in the spirit of the holidays, madi and i are going to be talking about our holiday season. so madi how did you spend the holidays?

madi: well as you all know i’m canadian, so my sister tessa and I went back home for christmas. My brothers spent it with their moms. Fun story, my dad told me he was supposed to be in los angeles for the holidays but he was actually kidding, and i didnt know until the very last minute! But yeah anyways! i went to toronto, snowboard, relaxed, went to some clubs and had fun. what about you sabine?

sabine: so i spent the holiday season with my wonderful husband and his aunt. it was amazing, my sister got me a bunch of gifts including a scrapbook she made. and levi got my tickets to see some of my favorite sports teams and country musicians so i’m excited for that. 

madi: a scrapbook oh my god that’s so cute! 

sabine: before we get to the drama, someone said last time that we should talk about chrirstmas tree eyebrows, i have no idea what that is though. so let’s take a quick look now...oh, oh no. so i have one request for 2018, to never do anything like this again. madi, your thoughts?

madi: i personally think it’s fun? i dont know why every time some makeup artists do something like that, whether it’s the christmas tree eyebrows or the wiggly eyebrows, everyone think it’s a trend? but it’s just art? i say we keep doing more artsy stuff in 2018!

sabine: and now it’s time for a quick rundown on the past drama that’s occurred. looks like we lost some couples and gained some even before the year ended.

madi: we did! everyone seems good now and there arent any bad blood related to this so that good!

sabine: so aries and naomi broke up, cori and calvin got together. tessa and liam got together but i am not sure if they’re still together or not because they’re not in elijah’s thread.

madi: i’m so happy for calvin and cori! they’re so adorable together and both deserve the world! as for elijah’s thread.. all im gonna say is eh.

sabine: there’s been this very weird passive fight for kurt, maybe fight isn’t the right word but it seems like he and ivy have something going on and then there’s him and darcy, who are just friends they say. ivy also seems to be really interested in finn.

madi: well how i see is: ivy is just being herself and is a very flirty person? i feel like kurt and darcy have a thing and they seems to be good for each other so i hope something good comes out of this. as for ivy and finn all i have to say is whatever lmao

sabine: aries and rosie are getting cozy. something is going on between courtney and red, but also courtney and finn, but i think the highlights have been that big thing that happened between mika and sidney last night? i don’t know what went down do you?

madi: Nooo there’s nothing between court and finn, actually courtney is dating red. aries and rosie are adorable, i love rosie so much, i should dm her. as for mika and sidney i dont know what started their beef, is it the superhero talk? but it was long and annoying and clogged my timeline so im glad it’s over. 

sabine: also tessa took a screenshot of that picture that jed & sawyer took together and that sawyer posted on instagram and it was just funny to see people’s reactions. basically, tessa was like i wouldn’t be happy if someone who i was with and having a baby was in a post like that.

madi: honestly i dont know why it created such a big fuss? if there isnt anything between sawyer and jd, then why keep coming at tessa like that? all she said was that if it was her man she wouldnt be very happy, and frankly me neither. but jagger doesnt seem to have a problem with that neither does jd or sawyer, so let people have their opinions? i mean, we’re on a tv show so obviously someone’s gonna have something to say about anything. I think now is the end of this episode! thank you so much for either reading our transcript or listening to us! see you next week! i’d like to remind you that this episode we tasted the  2002 louis roederer cristal champange gold mediallion jeroboam. my name is madison ware and my co host is sabine al-masri bennet and we’re both blondes and had way too much bubbly so it’s time to say good bye and see you next time!