#and down back into this rabbithole i fall

[chebepowder]

Okay Alexander the Great, calm down, you got me

[fumifooms]

Falin who cares too much and too little - analysis

Been stewing on Falin thoughts for a while, I know I have an interpetation on her that differs from many but I’m jumping into the fray. I think there’s a lot to be said about what we do see of Falin. This shorter Falin analysis I made is heavily encouraged prior reading. This analysis mainly explores her complex relationship with caring and so it’s sort of structured in two halves, with Faligon at the crux of it all.

Falin cares too little :

A lot of people assign Falin a people pleasing mindset and I… Don’t agree. We never see her care at all about people in her town or at the academy not liking her.

We do see her worrying about what people think of her… ONCE. And Laios comforted her, told her they didn’t matter and she should be proud of herself. She latched onto that hard. That’s why this scene was so important to be included during the dragon fight, relationship-defining; it’s always been them against the world. She grew to not care what others thought, to only focus on her close loved ones. No one else matters.

Laios’ words were her world. Her older brother who taught her how to feel comfortable with herself, who told her, you’re great, others are the ones in the wrong to not see that, I’ll always be with you, always be there for you. Older brother who always made great plans, who always knew more, who was better at wrestling to name the dogs, who she has always idolized. Laios who always spoke of traveling the world, to which she always said she wanted to follow. And she would, she’d follow him even if it meant leaving the academy and all she knew behind, she’d follow him to the ends of the world, and that’s what she did.

She didn’t care about showing to her classes or keeping up such appearances, she doesn’t even think of toning down her jumping into bushes when Marcille recoils, etc. She acts like an obedient pawn often, to her parent’s directives and then following Laios around no matter what he decides to do, but I don’t think the motivation is people pleasing, rather it’s being with & caring for her loved ones, and her go-with-the-flow attitude enhances the impression. Not that it’s as simple as that, mind you, but let’s talk about this for now.

Falin is perceived as selfless because we, the audience, have our perspectives revolving around the main people in her life (Laios, Marcille). They’re the ones she’s devoted to and people who care about her back a lot too, but to people like her classmates or the towspeople she probably must have seemed like someone who didn’t care about the people around her or her surroundings a lot, who just went on alone and did her own thing.

What matters to Falin? From what place does her kindness come from? Is a part of her keeping up appearances? And I think that’s the point, the horror of Faligon as well, that we can’t tell just how in control Falin the person is as the chimera (because we are shown that she’s in there, we just don’t know at what degree), that we don’t know her enough to be able to tell when she’s at her most genuine, her most raw. That even if you do settle on none of her being present as Faligon, we have to at least consider it, consider that she may be able to do something like this and have a part in it, brutal and uncaring. That even the lenses we see her through, the people who love her, may be unreliable.

And this is what’s very interesting about her too, she truly is so idealized by people around her as a saint. She’s so good and kind and caring to everyone etc etc etc. Laios, Toshiro and Marcille all see her as the paragon of goodness in the world. More cynical characters like Namari and Chilchuck have more layered opinions on her, the latter finding her somewhat unnerving because he can’t read her well. But then with that one flashback scene we see that… Her priorities are intensely focused on Laios and Marcille, she doesn’t care all that deeply about anyone other than them (+ maybe her parents). The rest of the party is in the same danger here but only Laios and Marcille who she’s speaking to get the special ,ention, and if they don’t cross her mind then of course she’d be ready to sacrifice strangers through a risky teleportation. That doesn’t make her not kind or caring!! Just that greater good isn’t exactly her priority. Any means is alright if the end result is her loved ones safe, it usually takes the form of healing and caring, but we see she’s ready to fight and make dangerous calls too. To me there’s this aspect to her that she isn’t as pure and magnanimous as everyone thinks she is, both in-world and interestingly enough meta wise as well, and there’s something interesting to that.

People pleasing implies a need to be liked, needs for the motivation to be that. A yes-man, etc. But if we analyze Falin, her general kind, smiling demeanor is more a matter of passivity I yhonk. Conflict avoidance is easier, so she’s friendly and hopefully things’ll be smooth sailing. It’s easy to be kind to classmates even if they act wary and rude if you don’t care about what they think either way. Of course she prefers good things happening to people over bad things, she is genuinely kind, but I think people tend to assign her a very grand altruistic way of life when to her the motivation is pretty self-centered. She doesn’t do what she does because she loves them, but because she loves them.

One situation that’s interesting to dig into for her way of thinking, and what I’m trying to get at, is Shuro’s proposal to her. I’ve seen people saying she hesitated because she didn’t feel comfortable saying no even though she wanted to, "I can’t say no, I don’t want to hurt him", something that sounds sensible and familiar, but it’s actually canon in the Adventurer’s Bible that the reverse was the case, that she didn’t feel comfortable saying yes. Because the offer was tempting, but it’d have been a loveless agreement on her end. And it makes sense she’d want to say yes too, like we see with the Toudens, marriage is very much a political strategical economical thing in their village, there’s even a bit on it on Laios’ Adventurer’s Bible profile about dowries, and both siblings were engaged very early. They lived poorly for a long time, it’s an enticing idea to marry rich, to have not only yours but your brother’s needs met forevermore easily, which at one point in their careers was their main worry and goal. Why shouldn’t she accept a life of leisure and wealth handed to her by a lovely friend?

So her hesitance was "yeah that’s convenient for me, but where it’s everything to him and heartfelt I’m able to be detached because I don’t care about it that much… Can I do that? I’m not reciprocating, not saying yes in the way that matters. Can I do that to him?" Very caring even though it’s not what you’d expect, isn’t it?

And central to my analysis, where I’m going with this is, I feel like that’s the thing with her character, that she doesn’t feel as strongly as she "should" sometimes, or feels a different way than she "should", or at least that she feels that way and others say she does. She didn’t mind suddenly leaving the academy, leaving Marcille behind and not seeing her for 4 years. She acted like it was no big deal that she sacrificed herself after getting resurrected after the red dragon fight. And in both those cases it upset the people around her greatly that she didn’t seem to get why it was such a big deal, didn’t seem to care about how they’d experienced her choices.

So it’s a tendency… And it’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s just that the way she measures what’s good for the ones she loves isn’t the same as what they themselves think it is (like Laios and Marcille not wanting to be apart from her). It’s an overt but quiet kind of care, it’s doing things like following them around and making sure they bathe and have a meal, even if that means she has to be dragged into misery too.

So yes she probably would know "not caring enough/the right way" is one of her perceived flaws, and that informs how she tries to handle her response to Shuro’s proposal. Her not wanting to accept like her first gut instinct, is because she’s thinking about reciprocity, about if it’d be right to go into this knowing that they have different priorities and she might not be able to keep up with the type and amount of emotions he wants/expects from her. And that’s a big part of her character isn’t it, having expectations pushed onto her. Her trying her best, but in her own way that may seem odd or even unfeeling. Not unlike when she exorcised the ghost as a kid too, unblinking and matter-of-factly, and not seeming to understand why people stared the way they did.

Even though she answered his proposal only post-canon, she’d been pondering it for a while even pre-canon and the Adventurer’s Bible explanation was released midstory, so I’m hesitant to assign her much growth about her hesitation and what I went on above, since she still didn’t react "right" with Laios after the red dragon fight (even if she apparently doesn’t remember sacrificing herself) and put herself in that situation in the first place. She hasn’t finished her arc on that flaw of hers is what I’m saying, she for sure still has it, but I certainly think her thoughts on Shuro’s proposal shows awareness, both of herself and social.

And awareness is a big analysis key word with Falin, especially here it can be hard not to conflate not caring with not knowing. How socially aware is she? It’s rather layered, because canonically she wasn’t aware of her ostracization in her hometown at all, and we’re not sure if she knew Shuro was interested in her before he proposed, but she generally seems more socially aware than Laios. She tags along on his caravan job to make sure he isn’t being mistreated (though doesn’t ask he get a salary), she catches social faux-pas more easily like in the genderbend magic mirror omake with Shuro, and interestingly enough she’s very good at empathizing with her parents and understanding their perspective. We see when she’s worried about Marcille coming that she does know about propriety and how appearances shape impressions. Being a chief’s daughter must at least have taught her a thing or two on that front.

She never stands up for herself, but when it comes to defending others she worries, strategizes and explains.

And this sort of understanding is part of why I think she’d notice the expectations pushed onto her like I was saying earlier, notice how she makes people feel when she’s careless. But if she changes anything about herself in response to noticing is for her to choose, and generally I think it’s a sort of inbetween of yes and no: that she becomes more complacent but also more reserved, complying but by hiding more of herself passively. She’s not sure wether to accept or reject Shuro’s proposal, doesn’t want to lead him on? She’ll just be taking a while to silently consider it, try to keep things as they are for the time being. The third, less conflicting option. She doesn’t feel heard by Marcille who keeps infantilizing her? Just bear with it. Retract yourself emotionally. Settle for it.

We see that when she was young she had a tendency to not read a room, and I think that’s here too. She doesn’t get why her nonchalance upset others but that doesn’t change that she doesn’t want them upset or hurt, so she tries, albeit in maybe a roundabout way. She always had a hard time deeply connecting with people, often keeping herself some amount of emotionally distant: erasing herself from the equation, from the two-way trade that relationships are and making it a onesided thing instead, where all their needs and emotions are directed towards her but she only lets out a bit of her own show. She takes everything upon her and deals with it and tries not to give others this same burden, though not on a conscious level, it’s just that she’s learned growing up that she doesn’t have much agency.

Like I went into with my analysis linked at the beginning, I think Falin is used to just taking what she can get and not asking for more, when it comes to social bonds. She’ll take spending time with her mother no matter what it is they do, she’ll follow Laios to the graveyards and stick by him even when he’s pushing her away (because he doesn’t want her borrowing his book or "No copying!" or such). Her father was always distant, cold and uncommunicative, her mother was considered sick from anxiety and the exorcism attempts were the main way they spent time together, at dinner tables there were only her and Laios. The dogs picked on her too even if she loved them— And so did the townspeople, maybe that being normal to her at home is why she didn’t notice the ostracization she suffered.

She’s always been the last to be asked about decisions or what she wants, never asked to play with at recess, neither her father or Laios asked before sending her to the academy or leaving the village. At home, in the hierarchy she was considered to be below the dogs by the dogs themselves, as someone they can disrespect. Dogs learn from example and behavior, so this means Falin must have been pushed around a lot, and that the family didn’t try hard to rectify the dogs’ misconception, likely worsened by Laios regularly wrestling with her as a competition.

So for example when Falin showed Marcille food, it was her way to implicitly ask to have lunch with her without voicing that question, without daring to take up space. Someone’s presence isn’t something you ask for, it’s something that’s bestowed upon you, you can follow them around but you can’t ask them to stay or to come with.

She’s used to her needs and wants not being listened to, so she’s learned to have less wants. Caring less about herself, caring less about other people beyond her safe zone, was a defense mechanism in part. She has a sense of learned helplessness too, like how when Marcille came to take her away from Laios, even though she didn’t want to leave with Marcille it felt so determined and unshakable to her that whatever Marcille decided Falin would have to comply with.

And still, it’s the "marrying you would be awfully convenient if it wasn’t that I’d feel guilty for not loving you back, the way you wanted me to when you proposed to me" and the "I don’t regret leaving the academy and leaving you behind without goodbyes but I’m sorry that you’re so much more upset about it than me". It’s the guilt of not loving people back the way they want to be, with the same intensity or fervor.

It’s the autism it’s the aroace of it all, it’s the emotional stunting and confusion but the pit in your stomach telling you you did something wrong again. The no object permanence even for people you love even for 4 years, it’s the feeling like you’re somehow at fault for someone having fallen for you and not knowing what to do with any of it. I’m not joking btw it isn’t uncommon for autistic people to not see their close friends for a long while, not having missed them all that much and for that to be really hurtful for the other if they notice/ask about it. "Hiii bestie! Oh umm you’re uh more emotional about this than I expected, hopefully you won’t feel alienated by me not feeling as intensely about it…"

So… Yeah. I think she thinks of things and relationships in a different way than most people, and beyond "good things happening to people is good" I don’t think she actually cares about people all that much. I’d argue that Laios shows more desire to connect with others and make relationships. And just like with Laios and his own issues with humans, that doesn’t mean her kindness is a lie or ungenuine or worthless! It just means that like, well it’s pretty straightforward really, she’s not all that social and doesn’t see casual bonds as meaning all that much and whatnot. She does want to see people happy, but it’s not as much like… A conviction or goal. She’s too laser focused on a select few people. "It’s not that they’re bad people, they just aren’t interested in humans."

And sometimes it feels like people get defensive about Falin in a meta way too, like if you ever so much as imply Marcille isn’t her whole world or that she isn’t the kindest soul out there then you’re saying she doesn’t care at all or she’s evil. And that’s actualy exactly the sort of vibe I wanted to get through with my analysis above here actually haha, that she does care and she is kind but it’s not in a way that’s quantified or understood in a way that makes people feel comfortable. In a way, that makes people feel insecure because they don’t have the same logic as her, don’t show love the same. And I think this is another stellar depiction of autism, of parts of it that feels unpalatable to many, if I’m making sense. The fandom idealizes her as well, which isn’t uncommon or surprising for the character embodying the trope of the perfect beloved to rescue.

And disclaimer, as I said in the tags I feel like the details of Falin are pretty vibe based when it comes to analysis, there’s absolutely a valid angle where she does super care about everyone always, feel free to disagree with me on the overarching angle of my analysis. There’s enough supporting evidence to tip the balance either way I think, and the reason I’ve chosen this angle is I feel it’s more compelling for the themes in Dunmeshi of idealization and being different, of desires vs wants, and because I think it neatly ties up Falin’s character arc as I’ll go over throughout the next section…

So.

Not feeling as much as she should. And……. Is this not Faligon pushed to the max?

You can’t tie down a dragon. As the chimera, she gets to just not care about everyone else and be on her merry way.

Part of it I think is finding comfort and freedom in the mindlessness, in not having the burden of feelings and connections and a consciousness (despite still ending up seeking those in a stranger, Thistle). Like when she’s dead in the purgatory as well, she gets to just… Hang around and do whatever. Similarly to when she played in the forest instead of going to class in her academy days. That’s what freedom and peace of mind looks like to her. Why she decides to roam post-canon, if only now with the goal to find herself instead, with her mind in tow and somewhere to go back home to.

There’s excellent analytic framing out there about how of course, Dungeon Meshi has a big theme of grief and letting go, and… Falin was always a symbol narratively, idealized by characters and often underconsidered by them despite their love. It was Falin’s choice to sacrifice herself for Laios, she thought it was worth it, knowing that it would be her end. Her resurrection and the process of it intertwining her soul with a dragon’s wasn’t done with her consent, and the subsequent opening it gave her to become a chimera puppet. She’s stripped of her agency consistently, and so… It’s very noteworthy that the final choice, of wether to go back to life or to stay dead, in that purgatory scene, was up to her. And she chooses life, but I do think about her in those fields and how at home she seemed there. Peaceful, by herself in a vast calm expanse she could explore, free.

Personally, I think freedom is Falin’s own subconscious selfish desire. And though to us becoming the chimera is obviously a shackle, I think it felt like freedom to her somewhat, too.

And if you think I’m going wildly off the rails here I want to talk about Laios’ wish of becoming a monster. And to be clear before getting into it, being mentally a monster is absolutely a big part of the appeal for Laios, it’s something that’s consistently referred to, something especially pointed out in the werewolf monster tidbit with Lycion. Right panel is from that, but left panel is from the extra with Izutsumi where Lycion talks about suppressing souls in a beastkin body, the human or the beast soul.

Finding comfort and freedom in being mindless, less sentient, less aware? While being unaware in her hometown might have saved Falin a lot of heartache although perhaps stunted her emotional growth, it’s always been Laios’ curse.

Actively, through his choices, he seeks to grow closer to people, to form deeper bonds, to understand and be undertood, but… On a deep seated level, what he desires is to leave humanity and civilization behind. He has an irrational hatred for humans, born from the trauma of ostracization, being different, being beaten up and rejected consistently through his life. Running away from problems is easier. He wants to be free from being a social animal from a social species who has deemed him the black sheep, he thinks it’d be simpler to just leave it all behind, people and his own humanity. At its core, to Laios becoming a monster is a power fantasy, a coping daydream of "if only I could be strong enough to never be hurt again, the power to destroy anything I want, the power to go somewhere better, if only it was possible for me to never feel hurt again. If only I could be someone, something, that can never be hurt". "If there’s someone you don’t like, you can gobble ‘em up in one bite. If you could fly, you’d be able to leave this village right now." It’s a childhood fantasy, from a deep sense of being misplaced and a desire to be able to stand fearless, thinly covering up resentment that Laios represses.

But you’ll notice, when the Winged Lion is enticing him in the last page, even now with his lifelong wish of becoming a monster on a silver plate, he still cares about his friends. He still has that sense of responsibility to his friends, doesn’t want to leave knowing they’ll be in danger and alone. The offer that his friends may be left unharmed is already good, but Laios also visibly flinches when the Winged Lion offers to specifically care after Marcille and rid her of her biggest fear. Laios’ care runs that deep. Not unlike with the succubus, he resists temptation until he gets reassured that everyone will be okay. But see, what he desires isn’t to stand alongside Marcille until her last days, it isn’t to stay and see how well his friends will live, it’s to go. It’s to leave. It’s to fly away, a monster both in body and mind. He wants to be free from caring here, wants to not have to worry about his friends, wants to just go do his own thing, but for that he needs to feel safe in the belief that said friends will be safe even without him being there to see it, because despite everything else he cares, he does. It’s again that dichotomy about caring and wishing you didn’t, or not caring and wishing you did.

In the end, it’s Falin who achieves that wish. Both by becoming a chimera during canon, and by going traveling post-canon. In the latter, being both free of human relationships as something chaining you while still being uplifted by them, by the knowledge that there are people out there you love and that love you. It’s a theme that can also be connected with Marcille, because she gets anxious over people she loves getting out of her sight, worrying they’ll get themselves killed, that time is passing while they’re away from her. But before she can get to the point where she can both have her freedom and being uplifted by her social bonds, regaining both her individuality and her connections, she has to get a taste of just one at a time. Before they can find balance in her life, she has to see what it’s like to have what she’s never had on its own. Unapologetic freedom, and power.

No one can blame you for not caring enough or caring right if you’re a fricking dragon!!!! You make the rules when you’re a beast and you can just… Fly away. From anywhere, from anything. And if a dog bites you you can just crush it. Instead of being pushed around by the dogs because you’re at the bottom of the hierarchy, you’re now at the top, the one with the power to be heard and do what you want without consequences.

I think she’s on autopilot. I think she’s on autopilot a lot of the time, even before being a chimera, and it’s partly why her will is so weak compared to regular dragons. (Again, read my shorter analysis.) It’s familiar to slip back into the role of following someone around unquestioningly. And that’s what is weaponized when she’s a chimera, that instinct she’s been nursing all her life to unconditionally support, defend and follow someone. Only now, that someone doesn’t matter in itself, only the symbol of it. She doesn’t mind, either way is fine. Her will is weak after all, because she’s trained it to take as little place as it could.

Falin cares too much

She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life.

So you’re probably seeing the duality I’m talking about here, Falin is very self-sacrificial but for specific people in ways that they often don’t recognize or appreciate. She cares but selectively, both in people, putting all her eggs in the same baskets, and in the ways she cares after them. She doesn’t care a lot, but when she does she cares a lot. Falin doesn't have a lot of earthly attachments, but when she does, they're her world.

In canon her arc, especially post-canon, is to grow beyond Marcille and Laios. Her caring for her close loved ones held her back from looking after her own self-fulfillment needs. And this is what I mean when I say she cares too much; she could gain from caring more about the world besides Laios and Marcille, both lands wise and people wise. She cares too little, but her arc centers her flaw around caring too much instead. Her pitfalls that Kui highlight over the course of the story, while of course her selflessness is appreciated for how she saved Laios and everyone, on a personal level is shown to be self-effacing and damaging. She’s undermined by Marcille, without the courage to voice her thoughts and wants, she would dedicate her whole life to Laios. And I mean, it’s text, in the response to Shuro’s proposal extra no less. And she’s so laser focused on her most loved people that she’s fine with being callous and risking others’ lives, even.

Post-canon, she needs to leave to find herself, away from them.

Herself. What if she wants to just be with herself for a while.

And this is me reaching but I feel like, not unlike Izutsumi who learns to feel this sense of never being alone, always having someone on your side what with having two souls, the dragon in her would make her consider herself more. She finds it easier to care after other people after all, and in the purgatory fields sequence she takes care to bring the bit of dragon left with her… Not unlike with Izutsumi, having two souls forces you to think about your identity and figure yourself out. Besides being this sort of duo now, where if she wants to care after herself she can channel it to that other side of her too… In meta dragons are symbols of greed, and I think the bit of dragon would push her to want more and listen more to her desires, primal and self-serving as they might be. The dragon soul which warped her human body with feathers and draconic features, her image of perfection marred, her weirdness externalized in a way that’s not palatable. But she doesn’t care, about if her appearance is palatable for most people, she hasn’t for a while now, and that’s great.

Notes & nuance

I’m struggling with the structure of this post, making my points organized, concise and strong at once. It’s difficult to make any statement without going "things are generally like this, but there’s this time that this contradicting thing happened too" or "it’s ambiguous enough that you should just follow my interpretation for the time of this analysis" haha, so this is the pit where I put all the stuff that wouldn’t fit well in other places but are interesting for Falin’s character. This section is pretty separate from the main thesis of the post, it’s just more Falin observations. The post has reached the 30 pics limit so I can’t just pull it up whenever it’s relevant but I really encourage scrolling up to read the stuff I highlighted in her Adventurer’s Bible profile if you haven’t already.

I think with the shy-looking loner type autistic kid archetype, and knowing she didn’t seem to mind others ostracizing her, it’s easy to lose sight of how she was by no means an unemotional child. In all the bits we see of her as a kid she’s bursting with energy and emotions. Canon confirms Laios leaving the village did affect her and make her lonely and she cried a lot, too. She may not be social in the traditional sense, but she was clingy with her brother, and she also never was all that shy about who she was, wearing her heart on her sleeve.And okay. Okay okay okay. Speaking of appearances. About what I said of her not caring about what people think of her, even seeming defiant with the caravan leader… There’s one istanxe of her caring actually, and it’s about how her face blushes easily. I remembered it as being because Laios’ said it and as I rambled Laios’ words are her world, but actually it’s ambiguous. It’s only Marcille imagining up this scenario where Laios says Falin looks weird because of it, there’s no evidence Laios said or thought that at any point. And on the other hand…

Her Adventurer’s Bible says: "5, Lovely Skin. She isn't particularly careful with it, but Falin's skin is fair and beautiful. Possibly as a result, her cheeks seem to flush easily. Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." The phrasing makes me think the complex she has over her blushing might have developed because of Marcille more than Laios. "Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." It could be related to how Marcille gets swept away and infantilizes her, calling her cute wanting her to wear cute feminine outfits etc. Again this feels like it relates to Falin’s struggle to be seen for who she is and what she wants to be seen as, her struggle to be recognized, having ideals and perspectives pushed onto her. Here Falin is insecure over her blushing implicitly because she doesn’t like being called cute over it, but that’s not how she wants people to see her. She doesn’t want Marcille to always see her as her 10 years old adorable friend. Like if your friend said you had puppy energy, it can be flattering, but it can also make you insecure.

Here’s a link to what I mentioned about her being uncomfortable wearing feminine outfits. It does seem to be more about comfort than the aesthetic perse, to me. Interestingly the shirt & shorts don’t seem like they show much more skin than her beach outfit, so maybe it’s more about the shirt and shorts being tight-fitting. Like the skirts and heels they feel stifling. Again a bit with themes of freedom and not wanting an aesthetic pushed onto her. So yes just to reiterate, I think this is more about self-affirmation and how her identity and self-image gets shown to others, rather than wishing to hide parts of her body like her blushing etc for people pleasing reasons. Makeup was a way for her to appear how she wants to and feel more confident. It was a way to take control over her own image. She didn’t keep doing it, the narrator stating the process to be ‘troublesome’. Ultimately she still prioritizes her comfort, and it was a lot of recurring efforts to go through.

And on the topic of appearances… A friend once asked me: "Does she really hide herself or not? I keep thinking about "falin is herself first and foremost" (in her Adventurer’s Bible profile) it’s just so. Hmmmmmmmm... I just keep seeing people say she hides her real self from people when I feel like the issue is more about her charitable traits straying too far into becoming flaws but people around her dont realize that..."

Imo the thing is, I don’t think she hides her identity, but I do think she suppresses her individuality for others’ sakes if that makes sense. In the way that only post-canon does she allows herself to go see what the world is like, but that’s not personality wise it’s needs and wants wise. And I do feel like that’s the closest interpretation of canon, she says it herself she doesn’t know what she wants because everything she’s done was always about Laios or Marcille, but she doesn’t change her demeanor or personality for others. But she *will*, like, not ask for things she wants directly, like sharing lunches with Marcille at the academy, she suppresses her wants, doesn’t ask things from people and doesn’t hope for more, hope for better. I don’t think we ever see her actively repress her personality, except like what, being more laidback than enthusiastic but I do feel like unlike Laios with her it’s less ‘appearing stoic to fit in more’ and more ‘yeah i’ll just chill until I’m needed or something activates my enthusiasm’. To which said friend quoted: "to feel like you belong you need to be useful. when you can’t be useful the next best thing is being convenient."

And speaking of passivity… I want to speculate about Shuro’s proposal some more. Shuro and her got along well though we don’t know how much, or how often they hung out, she even saved him from a nightmare. Why did she take so long answering Shuro’s proposal? Was it an effort to preserve or was she really just that conflicted? Procrastination probably yes, but what is the core motivation of itl Considering she ended up saying no to travel the world instead, I don’t think it was as simple as ‘she wanted to say yes for convenience’. Logically it’s what would have been best, but it’s not what she wanted for herself, but it was and still is hard for her to even know what she wants. Probably, since like she states it was a great offer and she doesn’t think she’ll get proposed to again, it’s that self-effacing tendency that yes it’d be convenient and logical, and that makes her want to say yes even if her spirit isn’t in it, because if it’s convenient then that’s more important than her feelings on the matter. Man also… Obviously Marcille is very vocal about how she shouldn’t get with Shuro, but imagine how Falin’s whole perspective on marriage must have felt when her only friend ever is a Romantic with a capital R who gushes about idealized romances and grand gestures and True Love and doing things with fully pure feelings all the time.

AND speaking of passivity!!! How much Falin is "there" as the chimera, just how much she’s master of her actions, is left ambiguous and intentionally so imo, but she’s for sure there & influencing the dragon’s action to some degree. Having a dragon’s foot on her in purgatory that keeps her from moving for sure visualizes how it must have been like, but there’s Falin calling out to her brother Laios, there’s the kind attentions towards Thistle that are so Falin-like, and most explicitly there’s the Adventurer’s Bible stating "Even after becoming a chimera, she has a soul that's as kind as ever", which I honestly dislike, a fantranslation puts it as "Even as the chimera, her caring nature remains" and either way to me it feels like confirmation that it’s her giving those berries to Thistle. Now, wether or not she has the mental capacity of a chicken or something closer to human Falin, no clue, there has to at least be some kind of mind bond between monsters and the dungeon lord, compelling or forcing them to go along with orders, or calling her to him in distress like with the fight on the first floor. But yes, it’s interesting to wonder what it is that a Falin, with her kind soul but without her human mind, would willingly do. On her profile, she’s described as Thistle’s guardian and servant. The power dynamic between the two are very interesting, I already went into how it might have felt like freedom to her while being fake so I’ll reign myself in and just mention it again. She’s still at the heel of someone, only now it’s someone who doesn’t care about her back. Going from being cared for so strongly that it’s suffocating and they would defy death and the world for you, to being devoted to someone who has not one feeling about you besides your utility as a paw . She has all this care to give and to focus onto others and he has none to send back to her and I think that’s part of it. In a way, being left with only her own feelings and a void, without expectations or feelings or ideals pushed onto her, it might have been soothing in itself, and eye opening. But yes the way I think of it, her care for Thistle isn’t unlike the care she gives the ghosts.

Interestingly, the care she extends for the ghosts is sending their soul to a peaceful death, freeing them, of life and any earthly attachment. Take that as you will with the themes of freedom and burden of life and mind, immortality and becoming a warped version of who you were, and such and such.

But going back on the topic of connections and bonds for a bit, I think academy days Falin & Marcille is super interesting bc we’ve never really see Falin form a connection besides with Marcille and even that is kept pretty ambiguous. When was the point that Falin started seeing Marcille as a friend and seeking her out? When was the "I’ll lay down my life for you" point? I’m so fascinated by how she wanted to share lunches with Marcille but never truly asked, only made little "hey want this? I found it isn’t it cool?" gestures of showing things to her… It’s the only way she knows to ask, or maybe it’s the only way she feels comfortable to. In all the scenes of young Falin and Marcille Falin seems comfortable in her friendship with Marcille, but at the same time… I think we see Falin at her most insecure around Marcille, because she really does care about Marcille and what she thinks of her so much, and while Marcille is a bit of an unstoppable force tornado style (affectionate) Falin is something of a doormat. I’d usually say showing her berries was her earnest way to connect and be like "Hey bestie look at this! :]" , but there’s a real possibility that she was self-conscious and holding herself back.

Friendship and Marcille! Involving Laios into this too but, again with the autism thing of not showing you care in ways that others understand, Marcille being very overtly affectionate and clingy was so so soo important… Marcille keeping on hanging out with Falin and caring after her, and being undeterred/unbothered by Falin not always seeming like she cares all that much back in the conventional way, as in Falin acts nonchalant and a bit like she didn’t mind wether she was there with her or not during her outings to the cave dungeon. Caring and being clingy and so affectionate despite that in such a classic Marcille way is soo needed, because so often people will get discouraged by say, their friend not keeping in contact regularly/well, seeming disaffected or as happy-go-lucky as ever even if you haven’t seen each other in a while or when they’re alone, and yes there’s potential for a strong friendship there but someone like Falin won’t be committed enough to reciprocating attention the same way… I hope I’m making sense but yes this angle in particular strongly correlates to autism. And the way Marcille always initiates physical affection, both Toudens being awkward about initiating touch because they don’t know if that’s allowed, if they’re going about the social interaction the right way, if they’re allowed to ask that out of someone…

Another fun observation to make is about the 4 years Falin and Marcille spent apart. Marcille despite being of a long-lived race treated these 4 years of separation with more gravity than Falin did. Falin brushed it off very dismissively to say the least. But then you remember that the amount of time Falin and Laios didn’t see each other after he left the village was 8 years. Double the years, double the time. And that reminder makes Falin’s actions so starkingly understandable. Of course she wouldn’t see 4 years of separation as a long time if 8 years of separation with her beloved brother is her point of comparison. Of course she’d see it as worth it to leave Marcille for 4 years if it meant ending those 8 years instead, especially if she was worried about him (the reason why she followed him into his caravan job).

A friend always says that while Falin is the center of Marcille’s world, Laios’ is at the center of Falin’s, and I tend to agree.

It’s fun to think of how her career dreams had always been shaped by Laios, even when they were kids. Of course there’s how traveling the world began as a dream they talked about and shared, but there’s how he reassures her by listing cool jobs she could do like traveling exorcist, etc. And then of course, she gave up on her magic academy and career path to follow him and do odd jobs, etc etc.

I should go into the violence of Faligon more tbh, because I think there’s an interesting parallel to how she has no problem wacking things with a mace, wether a ghost when she was a kid or a walking mushroom as an adult. Something that often surprises fans when they remember, I don’t really want to get into the whole " Falin hates violence and hates seeing people in pain to an intense degree. ‘If you die do it somewhere where I can’t see’ style’ interpretation, it has some weight but on the whole I don’t vibe with the theory she has a particular aversion to violence, she seems to be fine resorting to it as much as any other adventurer as long as it isn’t needlessly against ghosts. And Falin’s sudden mace hits are fun to me too because it’s not her becoming a berserker when the need arises as much as her becoming active because something she cares about is threatened, and that brings her out of her passivity from 99% of the rest of the time. Thistle included. Falin always could be violent, she just dislikes senseless carnage. The Shuro party vs chimera fight is a bit ambiguous on it, because you can argue she only attached after being provoked, presumably offscreen as well while the ninjas went off to fight the harpies. Falin becomes the most active when she needs to protect someone, she has no qualms doing whatever’s needed for that, wether it be leaving the academy & Marcille without notice no matter the consequences or what her parents think, or teleporting the party, etc.

I’m working on a post specifically pointing out all the differences between Falin and Laios, but yes I think both of them selfishly desire freedom in different yet similar ways. Falin’s dark secret is "Ethics and risks are optional if it means I can protect those I love" like the teleportation, and Laios’ is "Ethics and risks are optional if I can be free of all this bullshit" aka humanity aka his wish with the winged lion.

Conclusion

Flighted birds have hollow bones. With freedom and wings there comes risks and sacrifices.

Tldr: Falin doesn’t care all that much, she’s very go with the flow. For example if someone hates her she doesn’t really care because that’d require her caring about what they think of her in the first place, and she only cares about her loved ones. She smiles, but it’s more a state of being rather than out of active goodness: she’s canonically very genuinely kind, but it’s more out of a general want for pleasantness than active care itself. She’s passive, and softspoken because that’s just how she seems, but she has no problem hopping into bushes or getting heated if something calls to her enthusiasm or calls for action and a hit of the ol’ mace. Her loved ones needing tending or protective is what makes her go from passive to active. That familiar autopilot mode of making someone the center of her world and following their every move is what made her so easy to be controlled as the chimera, even ferociously defending him with her life. Faligon is most interesting to me with the theme of freedom. She’s shackled to Thistle and out of her mind, but there’s also a sense of empowerment and freedom from expectations and society. She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life. There’s a way of caring after others that can be selfish, not unlike Marcille being overly coddling and not listening to Falin. In Falin’s case, I think it was so selfless that it ended up looping back around to erasing her sense of self. In losing sight of herself, that devotion becoming neither quite selfish or selfless but a fact of life and a state of nature, muddled by its lack of direction.

She’s sooo used to never being able to ask things out of others, you get the crumbs of affection and approval that others offer to you unprompted and that’s it don’t hope for more don’t ask for more. (Also reflected in how she follows her loved ones around without complain or personal opinions and how she’s not willing to rock the boat and affirm herself in her relationships like with Marcille during canon)

Falin cares so much, so much and so laser focused on her few loved ones that it blinds her and she loses sight of everything else, she ends up neglecting herself and the rest of the world. As Kui puts it, Falin is herself first and foremost. She just had to remember the importance of that.

-

I see her as an enneagram 9, which can be surprisingly accurate and fun to research through the lense of Falin. Excerpt below from this book, but like my god, good way to put it

That’s it, ty for reading. Even if it’s a bit of a mess, hopefully you’ll have gained a thing or two from it. Falin is a character hard to pin down, but it is very gratifying when you find the way that the puzzle pieces fit together right for your own understanding of the story. Fantranslation of the shuro proposal comic by @/thatsmimi here.

Here’s my spotify playlist for her if you’d like

Sometimes love is about letting go, a lesson a lot of the cast needed to learn. Self-love’s important too, and just like with diets we need a healthy balance.

[memorys-skyscraper]

fuck the new year, everyone say happy birthday ichiban kasuga!!!!!

[cptnghoulowl]

It was in this moment Reki knew... he was very gay for one Langa Hassgawa

(fr I wish this had happened Fuck you Adam)

The end of ep 11 except Joe doesn’t stop Adam and Langa is.. less polite

∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

[whimsicalcotton]

help i've gotten invested in another mspfa comic

[prettydaisygirl]

Hiii can u maybe write about that tiktok prank trend with james and its like unboxing a parcel thats been ordered for when they go swimming at the end of the week and its just two strings nd filming him to see how he reactss

Have a good day thank you!

Omg nonnie this prank is hilarious! I love these tiktok requests because most of the time it introduces me to the trend and I fall down a rabbithole lmao. Hope you enjoy <3

boyfriend!James Potter x fem!reader string swimsuit tiktok prank ✿ 524 words

cw: fem reader, James tells reader she can't wear the 'swimsuit', tiktok prank, a bit suggestive

james potter masterlist

°˖✧✿✧˖°

You’ve had your phone propped up against the bowl on the kitchen table for 10 minutes, a box half-opened in front of you as you wait for James to get home. You press record right as you hear the front door open, smiling excitedly at the camera as your plan goes into action.

“Okay, everyone! So as you know, my boyfriend and I are going on a little holiday this weekend.” You glance up at the screen as James enters the kitchen, gym towel around his shoulders and curls damp. Visible in the camera, it’s clear he’s just come back from training. He reaches into the fridge for a water bottle.

“Well, I wanted to do a little show of the swimsuit I ordered…” You fully open the box now, noticing from James’ movement in the camera that the mention of the swimsuit seems to have caught his attention. He leans against the counter with one hip, taking sips from his water bottle as he watches you open the box.

“A-ha!” You say excited, pulling the small bundle of string out of the box. “Here we are!”

You unravel it, showing it off like it’s the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. James looks confused, brows furrowed, water bottle in his hand but forgotten as he watches. 

“It’s perfect! I love the way the top matches the bottoms!” You purse your lips, holding the strings up to your body like you would an actual suit.

“Hold on…” James speaks up from behind you, and you turn, acting as though you’re surprised he’s paying attention. “What is that?”

“What is what?” You ask, acting like everything is completely normal.

“What you have, in your hand.” He gestures to the strings and you hold them up, smiling brightly like you’re so excited to be holding them.

“My new swimsuit, Jamie!” You try to hold in your laugh as he gapes at you, “Don’t you love it? I think it will look great in our pictures while we’re on holiday.”

“You’re definitely not wearing that on holiday.” He comes over and takes the strings from you. You pout at him, looking between him and the camera.

“Why not, James?” You cross your arms, “You never tell me what to wear.”

“No, I don’t.” He places the strings onto the countertop like touching them burns, and he turns back to you, placing his hands on your waist, “And as much as I would love to see you in… whatever that is, I think you’ll be breaking about 10 different laws if you wear that around.”

You laugh loudly, and James does too. You shake your head, reaching up a hand to pat him on the cheek.

“That was perfect, Jamie, thank you!” You are still giggling as you end the recording, posting it to your feed. 

“What?” He looks between the strings and you again before it dawns on him. “Another tiktok prank?”

“Yup.” You say with a chuckle. 

And even though James acts like he hated it, he kinda does want to see you trying to wear those strings. He might have slid them into his pocket. Maybe.

°˖✧✿✧˖°

© prettydaisygirl

[master-thief-gray-shadow]

Sometimes I ponder just how severely Ave Mujica broke containment. MyGo was lauded when it came out, sure, but its main effect was just revitalizing the Bandori fandom as a whole, which had been stagnating for a while at the time. When it was airing I only ever saw the exact sort of people I expected talking about it, which is to say Bandori fans and former fans who had been lured back. But over the past few months I have witnessed multiple people, strangers, friends, mutuals, the like, many of whom have no history with Bandori at all, go "wait, what's Ave Mujica" and fall down a massive rabbithole and now Sakiko is Char for people who got into music anime via Bocchi the Rock

[harmonyrae]

Ivy League

Fall Semester: Freshman Year🍁🍂🎃🏈

Premise: Based on this post by PomeRinn aka @waterrinmelonn -their idea? All the LADs boys are modern rich kids going to a prestigious university. And they’re all international students. My addition(s) - they’re attending Yale, an Ivy League University in the American Northeast. They're all the same age. My FMC will end up with only one of them in the end.

Content Warnings: Mildly Suggestive & Explicit Language. Mostly fluff & angst. Romance will happen eventually. Most likely only 1-2 parts will have any smut. To be safe, 18+ MDNI

Word Count: 6.6k

Of all the things you expected from move-in day at Yale, you couldn’t possibly have predicted a housing crisis. The dorm room you were assigned to was overbooked. When you arrived to find every bunk taken and four girls staring at you with raised brows, you panicked. Luckily, they directed you to their resident advisor before you hit the floor.

“Wait, you’re sure they assigned you 121? Lawrance Hall?”

You nod and she taps her chin. She motions for you to follow her and you pick up your suitcase to waddle through the narrow door, your backpack almost slipping off your shoulder.

“Did your things get delivered to 121?”

“Yeah, the girls said they’d keep it all safe until I get this sorted.”

The girl nods, her long legs outpacing yours by a mile. She rushes up to a faculty member and explains the situation. The elderly woman smiles sympathetically as she gives you a once over. Your flushed cheeks, sweat dampening your bangs, you’ve had a hell of a first day. When she approaches, you hold your breath, half convinced she is going to tell you to go home - all those years of busting your ass for nothing. Just to get kicked out because of a housing mistake. The woman quickly reaches out to retrieve your backpack, slinging it over her shoulder instead.

“I’m Ms. Dudley, I’m so sorry about the mix up. Come on then, we’ll find you another room immediately.” You really should stop doomspiraling like that.

You follow her to the Student Affairs building and wait while she works to find another room for you. She returns with a wide smile.

“We found someone without a roommate in Durfee Hall. It is on the co-ed floor, if you’re alright with that?”

Nodding without thinking, you eagerly stand and follow her back outside. You’ll gladly deal with rowdy male neighbors if it means you have a place to stay.

She ushers you into Durfee Hall and up the stairs to the fourth floor. You’re out of breath as she pushes open the doors to reveal the long hallway, filled with people running back and forth. A group of girls circle around Ms. Dudley.

“Since when is Durfee Hall a co-ed dorm? It was all-male last year!”

“The first two floors are still all male! It reeks of testosterone!”

Ms. Dudley shushes the girls and turns to you, passing you your backpack and a room key.

“You’re in room 27, dear. Your roommate's name is Tara. I’ll organize the movers to bring your things and check on you in a little while!”

And just like that, you’re on your own. Ms. Dudley walks off down the hall with the gaggle of girls to discuss their concerns. You shuffle forward, lugging your suitcase behind you. Room 27, two doors down from the shower room. Oh god… Is the shower room shared as well? Before you can spiral down that rabbithole, you fumble with the key, completely missing the lock and dropping it along with your backpack.

“Oh for fucks sake…” You mumble under your breath.

“Need some help?” A low voice rumbles behind you.

You stand up straight and whip your head around. Your backpack slips right off your shoulder again, slamming onto your foot. The man in front of you, leaning oh so casually against the wall next to the door across the hall, is drop dead gorgeous. Tall, ashen hair, perfectly disheveled, a fitted black tank top showing off a fit figure and broad shoulders, dark jeans with strategically placed rips along the knee and thigh, combat boots with loose laces and that face. A sharp jawline, prominent nose, plump lips with a deep cupid’s bow that makes your knees weak, and his ruby red eyes sparkling with amusement.

You’re staring. And you’ve been caught.

“Uhhh… ye-yea, that would… that… yes.”

He chuckles and pushes off the wall to pick up your backpack. His fingers brush yours as he takes your suitcase from your hand, freeing both of your hands. You quickly open the door to find the room half filled, but your roommate nowhere to be seen.

A group of students in matching brightly colored t-shirts approach you. You immediately recognize the boxes and suitcases in their hands.

“Room 27, right?”

You nod and they begin to file in one at a time, placing your things on the floor next to the empty bed. You step back to let them work, bumping into the handsome stranger in the process.

“I’m Sylus, by the way. I live across the hall.”

You watch as he nods his head in the direction of the closed door directly across from yours. Room 29. You squint and lean against the wall next to your room.

“Are you locked out or…”

“Oh, ha… My roommate is doing a, what did he call it, an evaluation.”

He sets down your bags and props up his arm on the wall next to your head to lean towards you. His bicep flexes as he moves. You swallow and cross your arms, suddenly very aware of how sweaty you are.

“He’s really just checking the mattresses for bedbugs.”

You gasp and look over your shoulder at your bare mattress, skin already itching at the thought. Sylus chuckles and you return your attention to him.

“Ms. Dudley assured him they replaced all the mattresses this summer since these floors were going co-ed. He’s just ‘making sure.’” His air quotes are clumsy, sarcastic… cute. You shake your head to refocus.

“Gotcha. I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, neighbor. Zayne should be almost finished. Unless you want him to fumigate your room too? I’m pretty sure he’s going to offer his services to the whole floor.”

You giggle and shake your head. The movers have finished bringing your belongings in and jog down the hall to “help” a group of girls waving at them with coy smiles. You jump as a door opens and your jaw aches from how hard you clench to keep it from dropping open.

Another man stands in the doorway across the hall. A bit shorter than Sylus, but tall enough for you to drool over. Dark hair, neatly combed and cut, brilliant green eyes, the loose long sleeve shirt and jeans he wears doesn’t hide his impressive build. His choice of shirt makes you raise a brow, with the sweltering heat of summer lingering you’re sure he must be hot. You catch a glimpse of his forearms where his sleeves are rolled up, they’re covered in scars. He pulls his sleeves down hastily and you realize, once again, that you’re staring. Blinking and blushing, you look up to meet his gaze. Oh great, he’s not only well-built, but his face is the sweetest thing. Glasses slipping down his nose, cheeks slightly flushed, dark brows framing gentle eyes. You thrust your hand forward before you can stop yourself.

“Hi! I’m Y/N, you must be Zayne.”

He raises a brow and glances at Sylus, who huffs a laugh. Zayne takes your hand and gives it a firm shake. His skin is cooler than you expected. He forces a small smile.

“Yes, I’m Zayne. I assume you are one of our neighbors?”

You point to the room behind you with your thumb and nod sheepishly, suddenly very aware of your predicament. You are going to be living across the hall from two incredibly attractive men all year. And who knows who else lives further down the hall. Maybe you should have waited for a different room after all.

“Oh my god!” A shrill shriek pierces the air making all three of you jump. “Are you my roomie?!”

Stepping forward to look past Sylus, you see a slender woman with short hair and an adorable expression. She hurries forward, the books piled up in her arms nearly tumbling to the ground. Zayne reaches out a hand to grab them, restacking them as she thanks him profusely.

“I was wondering if anyone would get assigned! When I checked online, I thought they’d accidentally given me a single room. I’m Tara!”

You introduce yourself and catch Tara sending Sylus a sly smirk.

“I see you’ve met our resident lurker. He’s been standing in the hallway since before I left for the bookstore. I’m guessing you’re Zayne, the roomie inspecting the mattresses?”

Zayne rubs the back of his neck and Tara giggles. Sylus steps through the circle and loops an arm around Zayne’s shoulders, catching him by surprise.

“Yep, I am so grateful to have a roomie willing to irradicate those nasty fuckers.”

Zayne laughs, or what you assume is a laugh, and Tara rolls her eyes.

“I better help you settle in, looks like your stuff got delivered!”

She skips past you, waving to Zayne and Sylus as she backs into your room. You give the pair one last look, steeling your nerves.

“It was nice to meet you both.”

“We’ll see you around, I’m sure.” Sylus winks and you squeak, closing the door quickly, letting his chuckle turn muffled behind the barrier of oak.

🍁🍂🎃🏈

Tara gets right to work, diving into your boxes and suitcases. She puts on a peppy playlist and points out the door for your closet. You welcome her help, it’s been a hell of a day. Before long, you’re chatting away like old friends. Tara is ridiculously easy to talk to and you say a silent prayer that this dynamic remains.

“Okay, spill. Which one do you think is hotter?”

You unfold your plush pink comforter and spread it across your bed.

“Who?”

“Our sexy neighbors, of course! I saw Zayne moving in before Sylus arrived and nearly fainted on the spot to be honest.”

You giggle, thankful someone else has similar physical reactions as you do. She looks down at you from her precarious position on her desk, her hands stretched above her holding a set of string lights. You pass her another pin and lean against the desk next to her.

“They’re both… attractive.”

“Oh girl, you don’t even know the half of it! When I left to pick up my book order, I talked to Sylus for a minute and found out both him and Zayne are international students!”

You tense, your legs feeling like jelly all over again.

“Apparently, Zayne is from China, where both of his parents are prestigious surgeons. And Sylus is from South Korea, his dad owns Che Enterprises, which is already crazy. Like, he has to be the richest kid on campus - aside from that Rockefeller kid - but when he told me who his mom is? I almost screamed.”

“Who’s his mom?”

She hops down off her desk and opens the top drawer. She pulls out a stack of fashion magazines and flips to the centerfold. A tall woman with luscious blonde hair, curvy hips and perfectly tanned skin lies draped over an equally attractive man who holds an expensive looking bottle of perfume. Tara points to the woman.

“That’s his mom.”

“Katya Artyomov is his MOTHER?” Tara giggles wildly.

“I know! I KNOW! I could tell he immediately regretted telling me though, so don’t bring it up unless he does, okay? I don’t want to scare him off because I think his mom is hot.”

You laugh with her. So your neighbors are international students. Hot. International. Students. Great. Love that for you.

Your phone dings and you flop down on your bed. 7 unread texts and 2 missed calls from Caleb, shit, you promised him you’d reach out once you were settled. You quickly press the dial button and he answers before the second ring.

“Pips! Holy fuck… I went to Lawrance Hall and they said you don’t live there. What the hell happened?”

You explain the situation and he calms down. But when he finds out you got a room in Durfee Hall, he goes silent. His voice is noticeably harsher when he speaks again.

“So you’re on one of the co-ed floors?” You pinch the bridge of your nose, there he is, your childhood best friend, still as protective as ever.

“Yes, Caleb. And I’m fine, okay? Don’t worry.” He sighs. “You can visit, if you want, if my roomie is okay with it.”

Tara looks over and gives a thumbs up. You didn’t even need to ask, her trusting nature is sweet but you have a feeling you’ll be looking out for her. A crash sounds from Caleb’s end and you wince. He groans and then sighs.

“One of my suite mates just broke the coffee table in the common room… I’ll visit another night. Just text me, okay?”

You agree and hang up, letting him go deal with the chaos his roommates are causing. Tara digs out two water bottles from her mini fridge and tosses one to you.

“Brother?”

You shake your head and down at least half of the water.

“He lived next door to me growing up. We went to the same prep school and graduated together. He convinced me to apply to Yale. I didn’t think I’d get accepted, but then we both got our acceptance letters on the same day.”

“Aww cute! So… you’re dating?”

Again, you shake your head. She pouts, glaring at you.

“So if you’re not dating him, are you dating anyone?” She wiggles her eyebrows and smirks.

When you shake your head, yet again, she nearly drops her bottle of water to clap her hands.

“Great! So I can work on setting you up with one of the hotties across the hall, right?”

Water dribbles down your chin as you slap your hand over your mouth to avoid spitting. Tara laughs so loudly, you’re sure the whole floor can hear it. She falls over onto her bed and giggles into her pillow. Clearly, your shock was very amusing. Your roomie is definitely going to get you in trouble this year, isn’t she?

🍁🍂🎃🏈

You weren’t going to go, but then Tara dragged you out of bed.

“You have to join a club or a team or something! Live a little! Meet people!”

You told yourself you wouldn’t repeat the mistakes you made in high school. You wasted two years doing the bare minimum before you realized colleges looked at extra curriculars and volunteer activities, not just grades. By the time you started to enjoy yourself, graduation was around the corner. So, yes, you were going to join a club or a team or something.

You throw on a breezy sundress, a light pastel pink with lace detailing along the hem. Slipping on your converse and hooking your bag over your shoulder. You decide to forgo doing anything with your hair, it’s way too hot, your messy half-up do will have to… do.

The quad is buzzing with activity, booths line the sidewalk decorated with bright signs. Girls in tiny skirts waving pom poms jump up and down, gaining the attention of almost every guy walking past. You spot Tara at the “French Club” booth - she’d mentioned her mom was from France and she spent every summer there since she was three.

A flash of white catches your attention, followed by that low, rumbling laugh. You finally find Sylus in the crowd, he points to something on the ground and claps with a wide smile. As you get closer you see an array of small robots whirling around. Sylus looks up and you wave, he smiles and tips his chin in response. You quickly move past the crowd of rowdy nerds to find another long line of booths. Another small crowd circles a pair engaged in a dual. The clang and clash of foils draws you closer, a fencing club?

“He’s got to be a professional!” “No way he beats the captain!” “Who is that guy?”

As you approach, you hear the whispers and praise for one of the competitors. Breaking through the crowd, you watch the masked men step and bend. With a swift jab, the taller of the two scores a point and the crowd erupts in applause. Both men take off their masks and shake hands, the loser bowing to the winner in awe. You rise to your toes to try to see the winner, but with his back to you all you can see is blonde hair.

“Tell me what I have to do to get you to join. Consider it done. We need you, man!”

There’s a breathy chuckle, the winner lifts a hand to the back of his neck.

“If someone beats me, I’ll join.”

His voice is soft, with the hint of an accent. European? Sounds like he’s trying to cover it up, but it bleeds through. The crowd thins as the loser, who everyone is referring to as “Cap,” makes his rounds. When you don’t back up or look away, he stops, giving you a once over. You were definitely not dressed for a dual, but you couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hold a foil again.

You’d been hesitant to join your high school fencing team, but the prospect of holding a sword won you over in the end. You felt powerful, like a knight. You liked the concept of being your own knight in shining armor, so you decided to train like one. Turns out, you’re a natural. Perceptive, limber, daring when it counts. Winning the state championship was a boost to your college applications and your ego.

“Care to give it a go, miss?”

You knew he was being polite, probably thought he was being such a gentleman. But you never liked being called “miss” - it always felt like a backhand somehow. You stand up straight and shrug.

“Sure, why not?”

The captain smiles, handing you the mask and draping a padded chest piece over you. When you look up, you see your opponent has already donned his mask once more. You quickly secure your own and take the foil offered to you. Your movement will be limited, but given what you witnessed at the end of the last fight, the reigning champion was precise, not necessarily swift. If you could side step at the perfect moment, he’d leave himself open.

“Positions!” The captain shouts.

You and your opponent stand at the ready. Your cheeks ache from how wide your smile is, you’ve missed this. You lift your foil to salute and wait for the captain’s command.

"Pret? Allez!"

Just as you suspected, blondie is precise, methodical. Formally trained, for sure. You had just a few months of training, but your team was made up of cheaters, always finding ways to bend the rules and challenge your skills. You maintain your stance, stepping slowly and swaying out of the way just as he thrust forward. A giggle escapes your lips and your opponents huffs. Not angry, amused.

Another lunge and you’re leaping to the left, allowing him to step too far forward. You’re tempted to swat his ass with your foil, but you doubt the captain of the Yale fencing club would appreciate that. He spins and you take your chance, darting forward to stab the padding at the center of his chest. Point.

The crowd is silent, but you can tell people are whispering about you. You can feel it. Removing your mask and tucking it under your arm, you extend your hand to your opponent. Your smile falls as you feel the crowd eyeing you. And then he pulls off his mask, smiling as he closes his hand around yours.

Oh for fucks sake…Those rumors your girlfriends in high school talked about are true. College guys are hotter.

He runs a hand through his slightly damp blonde hair, letting it fall back down over his forehead. His t-shirt had a subtle sweat stain around the collar, the hem of his cargo pants dirty from kicking up dirt and grass. You can tell his sneakers were once a pristine white, they must be his favorite. When you meet his eyes, oh lord, a blue so clear you audibly gasped. His smile widens and you internally slapped yourself for being so reactive.

“Your footwork is excellent.” There’s that hint of an accent again. “I’m Xavier, and you are?”

You introduce yourself before the captain approaches and pops your little bubble. He puts a hand on each of your shoulders, bringing you both closer together.

“Listen, I just had two of my best members graduate last year, I’m begging here…”

Xavier glances at you and shrugs.

“If she’s in, so am I.”

It feels like you swallowed your tongue. The captain turns to you, queuing up his puppy dog eyes to signify his desperation. You clear your throat.

“I’m in.”

🍁🍂🎃🏈

This semester was relatively simple class-wise. You focused on knocking out some of your least favorite gen-ed requirements. Math was kicking your ass… Thankfully, Sylus was a math wizard. When he mentioned his major was mechanical engineering, you swiftly asked if he could help you with your math homework. He didn’t hesitate to agree.

Tara became known as the coffee guru of the fourth floor. The only payment she requested for making a cup using her fancy machine was coffee beans and a glowing review on Snapchat. Zayne was the only one who requested tea and Tara happily obliged. He bought a box of Jasmine tea and since he didn’t have Snapchat, she requested he sit in your dorm room while he drank it.

“I’ll only make it if you promise to socialize. Sit with us, bring a book or your laptop to study. But you’re not allowed to take the mug back to your room.”

After a long pause, Zayne agreed and coffee almost spurted out of Sylus’s nose. Sylus was used to being Zayne’s only friend and source of socialization. The look of pride on his face when Zayne agreed was comical, but sweet.

The fencing club met every Thursday evening after dinner. You began to look forward to meeting up with Xavier, who had essentially “claimed” you as his practice partner. He never practiced with anyone else and you never complained. He challenged you with his skill while you surprised him with your antics. Your unpredictability helped him improve and the first time the club competed, he easily won every round.

Xavier occasionally brought his roommate, Rafayel, with him to practice. Rafayel claimed it was for his drawing class. So he could practice drawing athletic movements and muscular builds. But you could tell he really just enjoyed watching his roommate lose. Dropping his pencil to point at you and clap, your personal cheerleader. After practice, you would sit and look through some of his drawings. He was incredibly talented, not to mention incredibly handsome.

Rafayel was lean, but when you caught a glimpse of his abs when he would pull off his hoodie before sitting down to draw, you’d feel your heart skip a beat. His style certainly stood out amongst the American Northeast Ivy League sweaters and jeans. But given the fact he grew up on the fashion forward streets in Japan, he wouldn’t dare tone down his style. Or his hair. His shaggy mullet was a gorgeous shade of purple, closer to mauve but with a blue undertone that reminded you of mixed berries. It nearly matched his eyes, a stunning deep blue that shone pink in the sun. When you described them to Tara you used the words “the beach at sunset” and she immediately stole your phone to try to invite him over.

When you learned about Rafayel and Xavier also being International students, you immediately thought of introducing them to Zayne and Sylus. You couldn’t imagine the culture shock, linking up might be a source of comfort. Then again, Xavier spent a lot of time in London with his aunt and uncle. Which is still very different, but at least there’s not a language barrier. Well, given some of the phrases you’ve heard him say… He may have learned to hide his accent, but when he says things like:

“Do you think practice will end early tonight? I’m knackered…”

You nearly peed your pants from giggling.

You organized for all the guys to meet up at the dining hall. You even invited Caleb since you knew he’d be able to chat Xavier’s ear off. With Xavier being an Astrophysics Major and Caleb an Aerospace Engineering Major, you were sure they’d get along. Sure enough, they ended up talking about their black hole theories all throughout dinner. While Rafayel, Tara and Sylus argued over the recent change in art style for an anime they all watch. You and Zayne spent the evening rating the dining hall's desserts. For a premed student, Zayne sure likes his sugary treats.

Football season was well underway and while Caleb was a huge fan, your new group of friends were extremely unfamiliar with the sport. Xavier took every opportunity to bring up “real football” when you’d mention it. Which only turned into a back and forth of fake British accents and light hearted mockery.

The final game before winter break was rapidly approaching and you realized you hadn't been to a single one. It took some convincing, but everyone agreed to go to the tailgate party and enjoy a good ole American football game together.

🍁🍂🎃🏈

“When’s sundown?”

You can hear Zayne sigh from across the hall. Leaning back from your closet, you look through the open door and give him a pleading look. He looks up from his book, resting in his lap, and pushes his glasses up.

“5:05 pm, exactly an hour after ‘kickoff’ and 3 hours after the ‘tailgate’ event starts.” The way he said ‘kickoff’ and ‘tailgate’ never fails to make you smile. Like he’s half disgusted, half intrigued.

“So I shouldn’t wear my cut offs then?” Tara mumbles while halfway buried in her closet.

“It is inadvisable to wear shorts in November in this part of the country.”

His deadpan expression, the logical advice, he’s the dad of the friend group and he doesn’t even realize it. Bless him.

You settle on an oversized Yale hoodie and lightwash jeans with pink bows down the outseam. You sit on the edge of your desk to lace up your white converse, you didn’t want to wake Caleb from his nap by bouncing on your bed. He was convinced he’d oversleep, so he arrived early and crashed in your dorm. It was quite a sight actually, not one you’re unfamiliar with, but it’s always funny to see him curled up in a pink blanket with a mermaid plushie against his chest.

“Zayne, you can’t bring a book with you to the party.” Rafayel’s voice was unmistakable.

Leaning against the doorframe, you watch the boys file into Zayne and Sylus’s room. Zayne groans as Rafayel snatches the book from his hands and slides the bookmark in place, depositing it on his bedside table. Xavier snoops through their minifridge and swipes an energy drink. Looks like Zayne’s warnings didn’t deter Sylus from his newest addiction. A whistle from down the hall draws your attention, a group of girls lingers outside the bathroom , twirling their hair and smiling. They certainly aren’t dressed for a November football game, but what can you… oh…

Sylus emerges from the bathroom and gives the girls a polite nod. He rubs his hair with a towel as he walks toward his room. He never listens to the RAs when they tell him to dress in the bathroom, preferring to walk the short distance to his room and risk the write up. A second towel is wrapped around his hips, dangerously loose.

You’ve successfully avoided seeing him shirtless, knowing how you have zero self-preservation skills and a lackluster poker face. Well, you were successful, until today… He was just as well built as you imagined he’d be. But as your eyes roamed, you noticed the metal piercing his nipples. Your jaw fell open. To quote Xavier, you were positively gobsmacked.

“What are you staring at?” Tara pops up beside you and before you can answer she lets out a small giggle as she eyes Sylus. “Oh, first time?” You elbow her in the ribs.

“I can almost hear you purring, kitten.” Sylus teases.

You’re not sure when he started using the nickname or when you stopped giving him shit for it, but the way he was looking at you, while looking like that… Zayne huffs and you notice he’s behind Sylus now, shoving him into the room to finish getting ready.

“I don’t know how you’re always the last one to start getting ready.” He mutters softly, loud enough for you and Tara to hear and giggle in response.

“And yet, I still look amazing every time.” Sylus calls out from somewhere in his room.

He’s not wrong.

Once Sylus is ready, you gently wake Caleb. He tosses the plushie to the side ignoring your smirk to slide his shoes on. Unlike you, he’s already declared his major, but he followed your advice to get his least favorite gen-ed classes out of the way first. He hated writing essays in high school, you always helped him proofread and even pulled a few all-nighters with him. This time around, you made sure he did the bulk of the work. So while you slept through the night, he stayed up to write his final paper. Hence, the impromptu nap before the game.

“Let me guess, it’s ass.”

You slap his shoulder and pick up the paper off your desk. Leafing through the pages, you try to count how many notes you left, or grammatical corrections you made, but the higher the number went you decided to just keep it to yourself.

“It’s not bad. Just needs some fine tuning. You can make these changes in less than an hour and turn it in tonight.”

He stands quickly and wraps his arms around you, squeezing you to his chest. You grunt, but return his hug.

“Thanks Pipsqueak. You’re a lifesaver.”

He places his hands on your shoulders and gives you his signature smile with that little head tilt. You try to regain your composure to scold him.

“I told you, no more ‘Pipsqueak’ - we’re in college now, it’s embarrassing!”

He ruffles your hair and you gasp in mock-horror. He raises his hands in surrender and smoothes out the strays.

“But I’ve called you that forever! What about ‘Pips’? Is ‘Pips’ still okay?”

You snarl, but it comes out as a pitiful grumble. Rolling your eyes, you nod.

“Fine. But try to call me by my name when we’re in big crowds, okay?” He nods and pulls you into another hug.

“We better get going, I can hear the music from here!” Tara finishes her makeup and stands from her desk, batting her lashes. “Caleb… you’ll carry my hoodie for me for a while, right?”

Tara was smitten with Caleb the moment she saw him. You couldn’t blame her, Caleb was handsome. Tall, strong, chestnut hair that falls down his forehead over those eyes… You remember the first time you really looked into his eyes and didn’t see the scrawny kid you grew up with. Golden specs floating through a deep purple, it made you feel like you were looking at the night sky during a meteor shower. You were used to girls surrounding him, flirting and giggling like idiots. Tara knew you were self-conscious about your childhood bestie, so her flirting was always exaggerated. She’d never cross that line unless you gave her the go-ahead.

“Yes, Tara, I’ll carry your hoodie for you.” Caleb snickers and grabs her matching Yale hoodie off her bed.

It takes about 10 minutes to walk from your dorm to the parking lot where the tailgate party is being held. Music blares, the scent of hot dogs and burgers gets stronger making your stomach growl. The lot was packed, volunteers manned the food tent and upperclassmen were already cracking beers open.

“I’ll find a spot for us to sit!” Xavier grabs Rafayel by the collar and drags him along. You’re not sure what they’re fighting about but it’s been going on for almost two weeks.

“Caleb, you want to help me grab some food?” Sylus runs a hand through his hair as he turns toward the food tent.

“Sure. Dog or burger?”

“Burger please!” You smile as he hands Tara her hoodie.

“I’ll come too!” Tara calls out, her head stuck in her hoodie. You help her escape and she rushes after the boys.

You move closer to Zayne as the crowd gets rowdy. He extends his elbow and you suppress the urge to say “aww” - eagerly looping your arm with his. You point to a smaller tent selling cookies and pull him along behind you. Unfortunately, a group of stereotypical frat boys cut you off, one of which you immediately recognize. Mark Blakely, the thorn in your side, yet another reason you despised your math class.

“And you told me you weren’t dating anyone. Sweetheart, I’m hurt, truly.”

You roll your eyes and try to move past him, but he blocks your path. Zayne tenses, keeping you close. He doesn’t speak up to correct Mark, and you’re grateful.

“I don’t believe she’s interested in speaking with you.” Zayne says, his tone calm.

“I don’t believe I asked for your opinion, smartass.”

“Mark, fuck off.”

“You’ve dodged me all semester, come on, just one date. You won’t be disappointed.” He tucks his thumbs in his waistband and winks. Bile rises to the back of your throat.

“If my calculations are correct, given your height, posture and hand measurements, I’m fairly certain she would definitely be disappointed.”

You are simply too stunned to speak, all you can do is stare at Zayne. He tilts his head, challenging Mark to say something else, his quick wit begging for a good stretch. Mark’s jaw clenches, his hands sinking into his pockets.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Mark takes a step forward.

“Li Shen, I go by Zayne. But for you, I’m sure one day you’ll refer to me as your doctor while I repair your organs after years of drinking to soothe your fragile ego.”

Oh he’ll never recover.

Mark’s face flushes as his anger builds. He reaches out to grab a fistful of Zayne’s hoodie. You hold onto his arm, allowing yourself to get dragged forward as Mark pulls. But before Mark can say a word, two large hands clap down on his shoulders.

One is Sylus’s, the other Caleb’s. Mark looks over his shoulder at the men, scowling as they tighten their grip.

“If you wouldn’t mind, let go of my friend.” Sylus growls.

“Now.” You didn’t know Caleb could even sound like that.

Mark lets Zayne go and backs up, his friends standing beside him with angry glares of their own. Zayne doesn’t make a sound, but as you wrap your hands around his forearm you see his lips curve into a smile. When Mark finally stalks off with his buddies, Sylus, Caleb and Tara, who is struggling to balance styrofoam containers of food on her own, circle around you and Zayne.

“What the hell happened?” Caleb says, trying his best to stay calm.

“Mark was being a dick. Looks like he couldn’t handle getting put in his place.”

Sylus crosses his arms and smiles wide.

“Finally, someone else has seen Zayne’s dark side, not just me. He’s brutal isn’t he?”

You laugh and pull Zayne into a hug, he tenses.

“Thank you.” You whisper in his ear, he relaxes. His arms creeping around you to return the gentle hug.

“My pleasure.”

When you all finally find Xavier and Rafayel, they stop their bickering just long enough to ask what happened. Both of them bounce between anger and shock at the revelation that an asshole bothered you, but that Zayne shut him down. Tara distributes the food before Caleb asks Zayne to come with him to get drinks for everyone. Almost as soon as they leave, Xavier and Rafayel begin arguing again.

“Okay, what gives? Why are you two at each other’s throats?” Tara shouts over them.

You lean back and feel Sylus behind you. Before you can jolt forward, his hand rests on your shoulder. He eases you back, letting you use his shoulder as a backrest. You’re thankful he’s behind you so he can’t see how red your cheeks have gotten.

“Rafayel decided to use me as a model without telling me. Now there’s a portrait of me sleeping, framed, in the art gallery. But that’s not the worst part.”

Rafayel covers his mouth, but you already saw his smile. He’s proud of his little stunt.

“He named it ‘Sleeping Prince’ and now people are asking me if ‘the rumors are true’…”

Xavier had told you about his royal connection, but never shared details. You had no idea if he was a distant cousin or if he really was a prince. Given his expression, it looks like there is more validity in the ‘rumors’ than you realize.

“In my defense, I didn’t know you were actually–” Xavier slaps a hand over Rafayel’s mouth.

You feel Sylus’s shoulder shake behind you as he laughs.

“So, the rumors are true then?” He asks.

Xavier drops his hand and focuses on his food, his ears a dark red. Tara moves to sit next to him on the grass, she puts a hand on his shoulder.

“We’ll keep it a secret, okay? Oh! I have an idea! Rafayel, you start a new rumor.”

Rafayel motions for Tara to continue. Caleb and Zayne arrive with your drinks just in time to hear her grand scheme.

“Start a rumor that Sylus bleaches his hair.”

“But I don’t.” Sylus mumbles, his mouth full.

“I know, but it’s the kind of rumor that doesn’t hurt anyone. If people keep talking about the Xavier rumor, it could make things harder for him.”

“Fine by me.” Sylus offers.

“You don’t have to do that.” Xavier mumbles. “But… thank you.”

🍁🍂🎃🏈

After the game that night, Tara tells you more about the rumor. Xavier’s mother is a Spanish princess, making him a legitimate prince. The bits and pieces Xavier has told you about his upbringing starts to make a lot more sense. He had mentioned running away as a teen to live with his aunt and uncle, guess the royal life wasn’t for him? You decide to keep it to yourself, no reason to make Xavier feel more awkward by telling him you know.

The game itself was boring, but listening to Caleb explain how the game worked to the other guys was pretty entertaining. You’d splurged on extra desserts from the concession stand, forcing Zayne to accept your gratitude via sugary goodness. He didn’t argue too much. Rafayel worked his magic and started spreading the new rumor to the students around him. Sylus had people eyeing him the rest of the night. Tara ended up falling asleep against Sylus’s shoulder before half-time. He carried her back to the dorm when the game ended and lingered in the hallway with you before going your separate ways.

You won’t deny it, Sylus is attractive and charming. Sure, you have a crush. But you also don’t want to pursue anything, at least not right now. Your freshman year was for you, no one else. It didn’t make his flirty remarks and teasing any less tempting. Rafayel and Xavier had flirted as well, even Zayne had started complimenting you while his cheeks turned rosy. And Caleb… You’re never sure with him. Your best friend, your first kiss… Neither of you ever brought it up, but he’s always been extra critical of anyone you tried to date after that.

None of that changes the fact that you’re determined to make the most of your college years. Experience everything. Have fun, try to stay responsible and make as many memories as you possibly can. 🍁🍂🎃🏈

𝕿𝖆𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙: (If you'd like to be added to the Ivy League taglist comment a🎓) @trishiepo0 @not-so-quite-human @kitsunetori @babyx91 @libriomancer @lilyadora @crowskitten22 @letharue @silverbrain @alastor-simp @drama-trauma @0tterteeth @mysticcollectionvoid @godzillaglitter @godoffuckedupcats @klmpun @ariallaisawesome @spidy-spider01 @ankitavminkook @m00nchildwrites @plsdonttakemyname @hauntedbysmutm0 @withering-dream @lostwingz2236 @simpfortheseven @bubbleteakittyy @stellar-seas @babylilxc @havenhope-art @lly5duck @freddy-2002-blog @sylus-hunter

AN: I was in college back in 2013, so it's been a HOT MINUTE. Not everything will be super modern as I am drawing from experience. However, I did not graduate, so this is also a healing fanfic for me. I'm living vicariously through the FMC and rewriting my past. With hot international students. Yay.

[deadtired-highkeyenergetic]

Nightmares

The start of my Astarion rabbithole begins here...

Summary: You can't sleep without Astarion. Even still, nightmares continue to haunt you but Astarion vows to do all he can to ease your pain.

“Yes darling?” Astarion asks the moment he feels your face collide with his back, lifting his gaze from his book. Your arms wrap around his waist, pressing his body against yours and Astarion will never tell you how much he loves that feeling. No matter what you bribe him with.

You incoherently mumble something in return, burying your face into the back of his shirt.

“I can’t quite make out what you just said, dearest. You’ll have to speak up a bit more,” he bites back a laugh at how you give an angry grumble in response and closes the book, gently prying you off him.

Turning around to face you, he presses a kiss to the top of your head before tilting your chin up so that he can press another kiss to your lips, his cold slender fingers gliding over your warm skin. The tip of his index finger traces along your jawline as he hungrily kisses you deeper, his other hand tangled in your hair.

You kiss him back with equal fervour, eyes closed. His fangs graze your bottom lip, drawing a hint of blood which he immediately licks up, letting out a soft moan at the sweetness that floods his tongue.

“You still have not told me what it is you desire, my sweet,” he nuzzles into your hair, arms wrapped tightly around you. His book lies on the ground long forgotten, all that he can think about is how nice you feel in his embrace, as though you were made for it.

“Cuddle,” you yawn, rubbing your eyes. “Can’t sleep without you.”

“You miss me that much, dearest?” He teases. “Come along then, you need your sleep.” He pretends as though your words haven’t set his ears on fire, that the sudden rush of warmth in his chest wasn’t caused by your proclamation of how much you wanted his presence and gently guides you back to your tent, barely remembering to pick his book up.

Once he’s tucked you into your bedroll, pushing hair out of your face before you start sneezing from the tickles, he removes his tunic and gets comfortable by your side. The moment he lies down, you snuggle up to him, burying your face in his chest. Your body curls up, fitting against his like a puzzle piece.

“Good night, Astarion,” you murmur drowsily.

“Good night, my sweet,” he runs his fingers through your hair, the motion lulling you to sleep like it always does. He relishes in the way your hair smoothly parts for his fingers, the softness of the strands brushing against his skin. Ever since he introduced his hair routine to you, your hair condition had been improving and he was pleased with how much you loved to show it off to him.

It doesn’t take long for you to drift off, lips parting slightly as your chest gently rises and falls with each breath. Astarion enjoys this part of your nightly cuddles the most, it reminds him of why he fights so hard each and every day. If he had to withstand the exhausting hikes, fights and idiocy of the rest of the party just to see the small smile of contentment on your face when you slept, he would do it for an eternity without hesitation. All that mattered to him was that you were happy, safe. Free.

He gently hums a tune he remembers you humming before, resisting the urge to kiss you over and over again, knowing that it would wake you up. His fingers dance along your back, tracing the scars that mar it. He’s long memorised each and every single one of them, whether it be from the passionate nightly activities or simply cuddling, just like tonight. Even though you find them disgusting, he finds them beautiful. They are signs of what has failed to kill you, of what you’ve pulled through. They told those who saw that that you were strong, that you were a survivor.

He finds himself tracing over the thin scar lines along your arm that wrap around like vines. You’ve never told them where you got them from, each time he tries to breach the topic you shy away, changing the subject with a laugh. He knows glimpses of your past from the nights the two of you have sat together under the moonlight, talking about whatever came to mind at the moment, but he never quite got the full picture. You purposely avoided talking about certain things and he never once probed further out of respect for your privacy, but moments like this make him wonder what someone as cheerful and bright as you had been through to become a completely different person when such topics were discussed.

Still, he won’t push you further than you’re comfortable with. You’ve never done it to him, even if it clearly frustrated you how little he was willing to divulge and he respected you for that. You would tell him about the scars on your arm when you were comfortable with it, he knew, and he could wait. He was a vampire spawn, he had the time to wait.

You shift in your sleep, eyebrows furrowed and fingernails digging into the bedroll beneath. A nightmare .

Astarion gently rubs your back, whispering sweet assurances into your ear and pressing his forehead against yours, hoping it will calm you down. The whimper that escapes your lips breaks his undead heart and he wishes he could enter dreams, just so that he could fight off whatever nightmare was plaguing you tonight.

“It’s alright, love. It’s just a nightmare,” he whispers, despising how powerless he is. “I’m always right here, right by your side.”

“Star,” you whimper, eyes cracking open. “Help. Hurts.”

He desperately presses more kisses to the top of your head, holding you tightly. “I’m right here, I’m right here.”

He repeats the three words over and over again like a mantra, cradling you as you cry into his chest, sobs wracking your body. His hand rests on the back of your head, his body curled around yours to shield you from the world.

“Let it all out. No one else is here,” he murmurs. You cry even harder at his words, gasping between each sob until you have no tears left to give. He ignores how your fingernails have dug into his shoulders so much that you’ve drawn blood, far more concerned about how you are feeling.

“I’m sorry,” the words feel thick in your throat. You wipe your eyes, looking up at him with such pain in your eyes and sniffle.

“Don’t be, love. We all need a little space to cry.” He presses his lips to your warm, tear-stained skin, willing all your pain away.

Wrapped in his comforting embrace, you slowly drift back to sleep with the feeling of his hand rubbing circles on your back. Once he’s sure you’ve properly fallen asleep, he lets himself slip into a meditative half-trance, but always keeps an ear out for you just in case. He won’t ever leave you to face your demons alone. You’d do the same for him anyways, he’s just repaying the favour, right?

You reach out towards him in your slumber, throwing an arm around him so that you can pull him closer. Your breath tickles his skin and something within his chest squeezes, taking his breath away.

I love you, his lips form the words but no sound comes out. Watching your now peacefully slumbering form, his undead heart comes back to life but words still fail him. For now, he’ll resign himself to practising the words so that when the moment comes, he will be able to say them, and know you will say them back.

[gainerboy302]

Ate some dinner, just decided to do it three times in a row. Can somebody come over here already and feed this belly with me 😩. I just love how my urges keep spiraling out of controll, untill i just start stuffing myself on a daily basis. No matter how many times i choose to stop. Every time i get back here and i start to eat again and again like i cant stop. Even when i think im being healthy i just end up having gained weight instead of losing it. Deep down inside me there is an urge, this primal feeling of gluttony. It makes me want to eat and eat and eat, untill my belly starts to hurt. Every day, again and again i just keep eating. Even past the point of it hurting. The rewarding feeling of eating untill you cant fit another bite and falling asleep right after, there is just nothing like it. Im hopelessly addicted to it. Once i managed to quit and lose weight. I was free of it. For months i was doing good, losing weight. Untill i felt skinny again. I even quit looking at gainer content. But then one day, after i ate dinner while watching a show. I didnt realize how much i was eating untill i was so full that it hurt. It was this nostalgic feeling of pure gluttony. I told myself, just this one time you get to look at gainer content again. And once again it was like going down the rabbithole of gaining content. Just like old times i gave in to my cravings. I started liking it again, and again. Day after day i just kept looking and enjoying it. And the enabling from all the people willing to look at my growing body. There is just nothing like it, the feeling of people who want to see me grow. I will never stop gaining. Not as long as there are people to enable me, so hit me up. If you dare 😉

[bonefall]

Does this mean we can have silk “scarf” or “shawls” in BB

bc that would make every scene so much better imagine Mistystar making a speech with silk accessories

I've been on-and-off looking at the possibility of the Clans making accessories out of silk for a few months now, but because of a lack of good historical examples to draw from, I've sadly had to rule it out for now.

Eastern silk production, which produces enough strong material to actually get used as a textile, is completely dependent on the fabulous, beautiful animal known as Bombyx Mori, the Domestic Silk Moth. What's amazing about this moth is that it's been domesticated for 5,000 years, and is so genetically distinct from its ancestors that they can't always produce offspring with their direct progenitor, Bombyx Mandarina!

In the west, we don't have any species (that I know of) which are capable of producing enough fiber. So far I've explored three kinds of animals, but hit snags with each one.

First one I started looking at was just some sort of alternative to bombyx mori, another silk-producing moth. While "wild silks" have been collected and used in the Americas, Africa, Asia, and even the Mediterranean and Middle East, it seems like central and northern Europe are like the one place on the planet where there's no appropriate wild silk moths.

At some point I encountered the Caddisfly and went down a small rabbithole for them. Caddis silk is VERY similar to that of a silkworm chemically, but also water resistant. Unfortunately, caddisflies cover their sticky cocoons in rocks and sticks, like bagworms. That would probably make the silk less useful.

The most promising was spider silk. Used as wound dressings since ancient times, briefly used to create paintings, plus several "proof of concepts" of modern humans applying silkworm techniques to create small amounts of textiles, several factors made me back off.

Spiders produce several kinds of silk, unlike insects which typically only make one per species. This means that you can't just apply "one technique" to turn all their silk from Bug Butt String to Useable Material-- you have to develop a technique for egg casing silk, dragline silk, capture silk, etc.

This means that I'd need to separately research every documented instance of spider silk weaving to understand what type of spider silk they were using, PLUS what species it came from, and if that species has any relatives in the modeled region, and if those relatives produce the right sort of silk, etc.

AND if these processes require too many advanced tools, all of that work would go out the window since Clan cats are working with sticks and rocks.

So, unless somehow unlimited money falls on me tomorrow and I get to hire a fleet of entomologists to conduct Silly Cat Experiments in tandem with, I can't find a path to silk textiles yet.

.....YET.

Because I can feel it in my bones that somehow, intelligent cats would be MILES ahead of human cultures in this technology. I think it would be just like humans and cheese. We didn't domesticate cows for their milk-- we domesticated them for MEAT, and THEN accidentally figured out how to make cheese by keeping milk in early "leather" (stomach) bags.

Likewise, cat cultures would be domesticating insects for food first. Silk would be a byproduct.

So someday I'd like to sit down and just explore what sorts of insects they would logically prioritize as food, which of those do well in captive conditions, and then work from there. Not only would it generally give me a good place to start with, but most importantly, it would feel more organic. As much as possible, I try to avoid working "backwards" culturally by starting with a tech and then figuring out how they got it.

Anyway! Mistystar can still have accessories

The primary textiles that Clan cats have is leather, linen, and yarn. Linen is the highest quality and most labor intensive material they have, worn by leaders, clerics, and other high-ranking cats as a sign of their status.

The shawl is actually canon lmao, a supporting character in Darkstar's Commandment is actually going to be wearing one. Xeir name is Smallstar, and they get to NOT die in BB because of the fact that Mapleshade's kittens are the ones who died to create Commandment 14. Runningstorm and Wolfheart also have very small cameos.

[manicorchestra]

MOONLIGHT FALLS HAS BEEN DE-SPOOKIFIED! INTRODUCING...SILVERLIGHT FALLS!

I'm a fan of realism in the Sims 3 franchise so I never play with supernatural elements, with the exception of aliens once in a while. So imagine my surprise when I opened the origin app many moons ago to find I suddenly and without explanation owned Supernatural. I was excited for the new world but deeply disappointed to find a misty northwestern world not meeting its full potential. I didn't know how to use CAW back then and it only occurred to me recently that I could open up pre-made Sims 3 worlds and tweak them to my liking. This file here is what I would call an experiment. Its not up to par with my normal projects but I thought it was still fun and would bring someone some joy, so I introduce to you - SILVERLIGHT FALLS. Its just like Moonlight Falls, but without all the filth and supernatural creatures and the obnoxious baseball diamond. I also did some rezoning because it felt more like the Maxis team just took everything they had and threw it at the wall instead of making proper subneighborhoods. So its been broken up into a Downtown, Poorer Outskirts, Estates, High End Suburbs, Low End Suburbs and Countryside. I filled the world with some rabbitholes and recycled vanilla game lots from one of my previous worlds that didn't work out. This is by no means a completed town, but its a good backbone for something more.

Please note - If you have any routing issues with staircases (sims not using them), just delete and then hit the backbutton. For some reason, one of my mods messes with the staircases sometimes when I put down a lot from the bin. Deleting and then hitting the back button should resolve the issue.

And one more thing, make sure you use the save file + the world file. My EIG is a butt and crashes when I try to edit this world with CAW, so I had to do the lot edits in game. The world won't look right without the save file.

I'm also recommending Burnt Waffles Blue Skies and Sunshine Mod with Moonlight Falls Water. https://www.mediafire.com/download/bag663dj7v8er3r/BrntWafflesBlueSkies%26SunshineLightingMod1.5MFwater.package.zip

World File https://www.mediafire.com/file/4fdkvn7qtcvqxr4/Silverlight_Falls.Sims3Pack/file

Save File https://www.mediafire.com/folder/hfmicxjpwqazu/Silverlight+Falls.sims3

REQUIRES ALL EPs and may have a few store items in it. Sorry.

[rlnacore]

I wanna preface this by saying this isn't anti-bonezo it's moreso anti tvd writers room.

So recently I've been falling back down the TVD rabbithole and i've been rewatching episodes and reading takes online. Then I saw that recently Kat and Ian were on panel, where they spoke a bit about the unexplored romantic potential between Bonnie and Damon. Interestingly enough, Kat addressed the systematic racism problem in the industry and how that translated to the storylines and romances she was given on the show. She kinda hinted at the fact that Enzo only became a romantic interest for Bonnie because he wasn't as popular as Damon was.

And to be totally honest, hearing that and kinda reflecting on my personal feelings towards Bonnie and Enzo's relationship (which can really just be summed up to indifference or even frustration) it finally made me realise why i can't enjoy their romance.

For me, the entire existence of Bonenzo is just a manifestation of the deep-rooted racism in the TVD writers room. The sole purpose of their relationship was to absolve Julie Plec, Caroline Dries and all other anti-black higher ups from any accusations of mistreatment towards Bonnie's character and Kat. I know that for me personally, the odds of me becoming fond of their relationship is slim to none, because shipping them would feel like condoning the producers' behaviour (that sounds very dramatic but I'm sure you understand my point).

They took a shoehorn/convenience character who was a watered down hybrid of two other significant characters (Damon & Klaus - both of who's actors expressed a desire to have a romantic storyline with Bonnie) and who had already pursued the male leads' mother and Caroline (to no avail), then threw him into a rushed, underdeveloped romance with Bonnie, only to reveal that it started out as a kidnapping situation and that he'd been slowly killing her the entire time (unintentionally because duh).

Regardless of my fondness towards Michael and Kat, knowing that they have a strong friendship to this day and that they enjoyed getting to work together on that relationship, or that "at least we got to see Bonnie happy", I cannot bring myself to enjoy it because it should've never happened in the first place!

And considering the way their story ended I can't say I feel like I missed out because in the end they still couldn't let Bonnie have this "happiness" for long.

So moral of the story, I don't HATE bonenzo nor do I judge other people for shipping them. They had ok chemistry and i actually kinda liked Enzo (probably more to do with Michael though) - I just don't believe that for a character like Bonnie, he was ever TRULY going to be her epic romance...

Oh and screw you to whichever producer (I'm looking at you Julie) tried to tell us that Bonnie never finds love again after he dies and only has flings for the rest of her life until she meets enzo in the afterlife.

[kittwix]

Could i please get some headcanons for team bucciarati with a harpy reader? I'd prefer platonic for this though. I would love it if there was a sibling bond between reader and narancia. Reader showing everyone some cool tricks OOH OR EVEN FLYING WITH THEM! Being introduced to different human things 🤭 omg !

Team Bucciarati w/ Harpy! Reader

i had to do some research on what a harpy is and i fell into a deep rabbithole. thank you for the request and hope you enjoy!! <33

Bruno Bucciarati

He'd instantly adapt to you being a harpy like it's totally normal. He's not one to judge you for it.

Will calmly pick feathers off his suit mid-conversation and hand them back to you saying, "You dropped this."

Adjust mission plans so rooftop and high ledges are accessible for you.

If you're roosting on a high bookshelf to nap during a meeting, he'd quietly say, "They're resting," and moves the team meeting elsewhere.

He'd also start scheduling "wing care" into your daily routine, whether you like it or not. He is does not want to argue about it with you. He's also worried about you molting feathers all over the hideout, which is why he established it.

"Ten minutes of grooming. No arguments."

You're valuable to the team, he'll accept you and soften up around you. He's never gonna leave you behind.

"You're part of the team. Harpy or not, you're still my responsibility."

Giorno Giovanna

He is also unshaken by your nature. It's just another part of who you are, no stranger than a Stand. He speaks to you like he'll speak to anyone, he'll see you as an equal.

He'll pluck your molted feathers off his suit without any complaint. Might even use them as quills.

When you fly, he's always watching the skies. If you're ever shot down or injured mid-air, Giorno is always the first underneath you as he cushions your falls with Golden Experience using vines.

If you sneak around him and sniff him quietly, he will notice and the minute you look up he's already looking down at you.

Won't say anything until one day he casually turns to you and says, "You like the scent of bergamont, don't you? I switched colognes."

He can be fairly intuitive. Notices how you flap your wings when you're anxious or tilt your head when you're confused. It's the little things that he can tell.

"I see you preen your wings most often in the evening. That's when I'll schedule our downtime."

Leone Abbacchio

Cold at first. Don't take it too seriously though, it's just how he is. Would probably say something along the lines like, "Are we collecting cryptids now?" with his arms crossed and his eyes staring hard at you and a mean scowl.

You two share quiet moments, he's somebody you can hang around with if you really don't wanna talk but still want the presence of someone being there. Could be at rooftops, ledges, or remote balconies. He'll have a wine glass and you'll be perched up right beside him.

He'd start calling you "Feathers" more than your actual name. He stopped doing it in front of the others though, he clicked his tongue when Mista pointed out that he does care about you more than he wanted to admit.

One day, someone would ask if the two of you are even friends and he'd look off to the side and say, "They're not an idiot.. so maybe."

If you're emotionally shaken and anxious about something, he won't do hugs nor would he sugarcoat any advice or comforting words. But he'll let you sit next to him and he'll leave a hand close enough to brush your feathers with ease.

"You've survived. That's all that matters."

Guido Mista

Oh he thinks you're so cool. He's also so corny and makes too many bird jokes. You hate to admit that it's funny but sometimes you tilt your head in confusion when you don't understand some.

"What's the word, bird?" , "Hey, don't get in a flap! I was just teasing!" , "Bet you'd kill it at karaoke. Hollow bones, hollow voice, right?"

He would 100% wants you to give him a ride on your back at some point. It probably ends with both of you crashing into a tree. You're both covered in bruises but you're still sharing a laugh.

You and Sex Pistols get along great. They perch up in your feathers or try to mimic your chirps sometimes. It drives Mista crazy when they beg you for snacks instead of him.

He's your best match in terms of coordinated attacks. During battle, he'll fire some bullets, and you'll dive and smack it mid-air with your talon as it redirects back to the enemy. He'll laugh and say, "We make a good team, birdbrain!"

Narancia Ghirga

He also thinks you're the coolest ever. Would definitely ask you to give him a ride, but unlike Mista, the two of you fly around in one peace and land perfectly and safely back down.

Would ask a lot of questions, like way too much actually and sometimes they can get a bit personal. Though you don't mind it since it's just a way for him to show his own curiosity he has towards you.

You protect him a lot during battles instead of the other way around. Instinctively wrapping your wings around him if he becomes targeted. Get's a little cocky about it too ("See? I'm important!) but deep down, he's touched and feels secure around you, feels like your little brother.

You would stare at him and watch as he glues your fallen feathers onto his arms and starts waving them a bit with a big smile. He told you he wants to become a harpy too but he ends up falling face first in an attempt to fly. But he swore that he felt.. "10% lighter!"

Despite you protecting him half the time, he'll be down to return the favor and protect you instead. Would square up to any creep that tried to mock you, spitting at them and kicking them down.

"Say it to my face, bastard! You leave 'em alone or I'll make your helpless ass feel sorry!"

Panacotta Fugo

He freezes upon your first encounter. Not neccessarily from fear but because he is purely fascinated by you. Unlike Narancia, he tries not to bombard you with questions, but his brain is spinning with biology and evolutionary possibilities.

Fugo's explosive anger can get intense at times but you managed to calm him when he feels like he's about to burst. One word from you, or a soft wing flick to his shoulder, can snap him out of a spiral. He never admits it, but it grounds him and he's grateful.

He’s kinda obsessed with making sure you don’t get infections from injuries, especially since you might land in odd places. He carries antiseptic specifically for you. He doesn't even let Giorno tend the wounds considering he could just use Golden Experience. Instead, he'd treat you himself and scold you for it.

If you’re ever curious, Fugo would enjoy study sessions, even if you perch on a bookshelf while reading. He may tease your bird-brain literally or jokingly ask you not to shed feathers on his notes.

"If you ever so much think about preening near my marginalia, I'll shave you bald."

Trish Una

She thinks you're beautiful and would like to accessorize your feathers, maybe even keep some for herself. She'd want you to take good care of yourself, just like how she does it.

Would schedule 'Self-care Sundays' with face mask, mani-padis (even for your talons), and lots of stretching. It's a whole day where you spend time with her without the others being around. In her words, it's a break from them.

"Y/n, no beak touching! We're not in the wild. Sit down and let me fix you up, you're in no condition to leave looking like... that."

One thing she would struggle with getting behind is the nests you build sometimes. You'd invite her to stay but she'd hesitate for a moment, feeling around. "It's disgusting, it's tangled, it's unwashed... but as long as you're comfortable then it should be fine."

Would flinch and cover her eyes if you try and show her some tricks. She'd muster up the courage to smile and clap but she'd still be scared for you.

She'll forever be grateful to have you as part of the team. You saved her once from having a panic attack, you wrapped a wing around her and pulled her in close like a cocoon. She cried and never talked about it again, even when you bring it up she tells you she doesn't recall, but she finds herself sitting closer to you.

"...Thanks for being here. And for not making it weird. Even if you shed all over my outfits."

fin!

+ masterlist

[uevos]

Ok so i've been on the muppets wiki and here's all the shit i've found that might've inspired shit in deltarune

First off, the most obvious thing.

Balthazar. This is so similar to Seam design wise, I have to believe Toby saw this. It's a living toy, and it's from a christmas thing, which is obviously significant considering the Holiday's importance in Deltarune.

Next we have, arguably MORE overt, Gary Cahuenga. A Ventriloquist's Dummy who was introduced in 1997. He was forgotten and left in a box for 40 years, before he was going to guest on a TV show. The connections here are the year, the being betrayed in some form by a television-related guy, being forgotten and abandonned for years after being famous, and arguably, the fact Gary tries to jump to his death, which fits with how Spamton falls to his death from his strings. (Gary also appears in a scene where Prince talks about Angels but it's very very insignificant. He's there for a few seconds.) Now it's time for some fucking stupid bullshit you likely won't believe. The stupid bullshit that made me go down this rabbithole.

THE BLUE BLANKET For those who haven't seen it, Elmo in Grouchland is a film where Elmo has to go into Grouchland, in search of his Blue blanket which flew off and was taken into Grouchland.

It's commonly speculated that this chair from the Spamton Sweepstakes, has the Shadow Mantle on it. That means the Shadow Mantle is a blue blanket in the lightworld. Now, let's see what the Shadow Mantle does.

It flies off. But Seam finds it, (Similar to how Oscar the Grouch finds it in Elmo In Grouchland, if my memory serves me right. I watched that movie alot as a kid.) and he's about to give it to you near the end of Chapter 2. But someone seems to have taken it. Now, who could that be?

Trashy is an interesting character. He shows up no matter what you do, and people are stated to blow him off and forget him. He's so forgettable, that it's easy to see how Seam wouldn't notice him coming into the shop. Trashy is also very clearly, Muppet-like in appearance, isn't he? The style of eyes and arms, the flopping mouth, he's a Trashy Muppet. Like Oscar the Grouch. He constantly talks about storing things, why wouldn't he store the Shadow-Mantle for you? Trashy is also one of those darkners who, could feasibly, "fit" in any dark world, showing up later, like Ralsei.

Let's also think for a moment, what is Grouchland? It's a dark-world, isn't it? I mean, it's a pocket dimension and it's full of weird freaks. The entire "Shadow-Mantle" plot-line is the plot of fucking Elmo in Grouchland, trying to get this Blue Blanket back after it flies away and is taken into another world by this Trash fellow.

But we aren't done with the evidence for this fucking garbage can being relevant.

Minecrap is a reference to Minecraft with Gadget, a video by Mike Matei. I don't know how more people haven't put this together, but

Spamton is talking about fucking Mike Matei, he's giving us the clues that Mike Matei is important by mentioning Minecraft with Gadget and Mike's name. But what about Mike Matei is relevant here? What else has Mike Matei done that's particularly infamous besides Minecraft with Gadget?

Oh yeah, that. Spamton's mentions of Mike were pointing us to Elmo in Grouchland. That cements it for me. Okay, are there any more Muppet connections?

FRIENDLY Look at his fucking smile. His smile. That's Image_Friend's smile

Look at this fucking demented teddybear he gives away as a prize. Tell me that smile isn't Image_Friend's. And he's a gameshow host? And the next chapter is a TV themed chapter?

Okay next fucking thing this fucking cat

Okay that's a stretch I don't think this random fucking cat inspired deltarune but i mean. look at it dawg

and this shit's in the same episode. a person in a cage while the bird isn't. that's how chapter 1 ends. kris puts us in a bird cage after we trapped them in yknow, being controlled and stuff.

I dunno this is a stretch but i watched that fucking cat segment and it chases a blue bird and theres kind of a yellow/pink thing going on but i genuinely think that's just a coincidence. The elmo in grouchland and balthazar shit though is 100% intentional

[ms-demeanor]

sorry if you've answered this before, and i hope you don't mind me asking, how do you know so much about computers and what seems to me like everything in the world? how did you become so knowledgeable? it's amazing

i just know a little about a lot of things and I probably have a fair number of things that I've dug into more than most people and less than people who actually focus on that stuff! It's kind of an illusion!

I do know a lot about computers and that's because I've worked at a computer company for 12 years and have been deep into a computery subculture for about 20 years - I do genuinely know a lot about consumer computers. That I'll own and that's experience.

I know a fair amount about literature because I've got a degree in it!

I know a fair amount about journalism because I've got most of a degree in it and I worked with journalists for a long time!

I know a fair amount about nutrition because I've got most of a degree in it and because I've been focused on reading a lot about nutrition for more than a decade because of my own food issues!

But mostly I'm just someone who falls down rabbitholes and has a decent ability to recall what I find when I run down them.

Also I get curious about things and will just go. Experience them.

Like at some point i came across a site for people who own and use RealDolls and I got interested in learning more. The site required an application because they didn't want people just trolling so I applied and I ended up reading through the whole site and reading the magazines they sent out for years after because it was just interesting. The way these guys bought clothes or compared repair techniques and cleaning techniques, the way they constructed identities for their dolls - it was all interesting! So now I know about the proper way to store a RealDoll and how their skeletons are put together and the best way to prevent rips or clean inserts.

Now imagine that with everything.

I got interested in quack medicine so I ended up reading the entire back catalogs of quackwatch and science-based medicine.

I got interested in the history of aspartame as a scare-word and I ended up reading a couple of books, SEVERAL entire blogs with decades-long runs, purchasing a military magazine from the 90s, and submitting a FOIA request.

But, like. I don't own a RealDoll or work in that industry. I am not a medical professional. I am not a chemist who works with aspartame. So I get these weird little collections of information where I know what *seems* like a lot to someone who hasn't looked into it but I know a lot less than someone who has taken the time to actually dedicate themselves to that topic.

And sometimes it's a years-long dive and sometimes it's a months-long dive and sometimes it's a few hours of me digging online until I feel satisfied with what I've learned and I never come back to it, but I've got three more talking points than your average joe at a party would.

(Also though I've attended various colleges at various levels for ten-ish years now and I've taken probably more college-level classes on a lot of subjects than most people have because I've now spent several years just kind of kicking around at community colleges and deciding that a cartooning class sounds fun or that a mesoamerican art class fills certain transfer requirements or that I might as well brush up on spanish, french, and german. Access to low-cost college classes in california is a big part of this, and having the time and money to take classes while i'm working is something that I've been very lucky with)

I've also worked pretty much continuously since I was 18, sometimes holding multiple jobs at once, and I know a lot of interesting people who do a lot of interesting things and I ask them about their interesting experiences and if they offer me a chance to go do cool shit with them, like launch a high altitude balloon or blow up some dynamite that's about to expire or join a band, I do it!

I was also one of those kids who had no friends and spent too much time at the library so I'd do things like read through medical textbooks or pull a book of home chemical formulas out of the trash and read it or take it into my head that I was going to read all of Shakespeare before I got to high school so I was a really annoying twelve-year-old and that kind of thing never really let up.

I don't know! I don't think it's that unusual and I think most people do this kind of thing I just happen to have less focus than a lot of people and talk a lot more.