#and doesn’t make me hyper focus the entire day

[fluffydice]

Still trying to find an art style I like tbh,,,I know it’ll come with practice but I want to figure it out now :3

[viviennevermillion]

ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴛɪʀᴇ ꜰʟᴜꜰꜰ ᴀʟᴘʜᴀʙᴇᴛ

✧ ɴᴏᴛᴇꜱ: yayyy my first commission! 7.2k words of pure jing yuan fluff. want the entire fluff alphabet for your fave too or just a very long fic for any character of your choice? check my commission info! this took me 6 hours so reblogs would be appreciated! 👍

✧ ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ: this jing yuan song

✧ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: none

A = Affection

(How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) 

Jing Yuan first and foremost is someone who easily adapts to you. If you’re a rather reserved person who doesn’t initiate affection a lot, Jing Yuan is more likely to give you space and show his affection more subtly through quality time spent together, doing things you enjoy, or just idle moments spent in each other’s presence whilst doing your own stuff and him reaching for your hand every once in a while to show you how much he enjoys his bonding time with you and that he’s thinking of you even when he looks busy.

If you’re a very affectionate person, Jing Yuan definitely indulges you and makes sure to initiate affection equally as much as you do. He’ll often reach for you, wrapping his arms around your waist while pressing little affectionate kisses to your neck or your cheek. Jing Yuan also likes to make your day a little easier, surprising you after a long day of work with a nice meal he made for you. He lets you sit on his lap if you want to while he works, because he loves having you this close to him even when he can’t focus all of his attention on you. 

Sometimes you’ll enter his office hesitantly, not wanting to bother or distract the busy general from his duty; but the doubts fade away as soon as he notices you and turns his head to look at you, greeting you with the warmest smile only reserved for you. Jing Yuan doesn’t hesitate to open his arms to you, letting out a relaxed sigh when you’re finally in his embrace. “These little visits are always the best part of my day”, he hums quietly and presses a soft kiss to your lips. You know then, he’s been missing your affections as much as you missed his.

B = Best friend

(What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) 

Jing Yuan’s friendship with you is a wild card. It could start with the two of you working together, just as a lot of his relationships with other people started. Or it could be something totally unexpected; like both of you reaching for the last copy of a book you were looking forward to read in a shop and deciding that you could just share it. Jing Yuan is a gentle soul and somehow, even after all he’s been through or perhaps because of it, he never closes the gate to his heart. 

Where Dan Heng and Blade became reserved and distant after everything that transpired with the High Cloud Quintet, Jing Yuan found the resolve to value the people in his life even more and treasure his time with them, even if it might not last. Similarly, Jing Yuan as your best friend is attentive and selfless; he’s hyper-aware of what you add to his life and what he learns from you, something he believes is the essence of what we gain from social relationships, and he’s grateful for it. You could show up on his doorstep at 2am in the pouring rain, unsure of where else to go, and he would smile at you gently and invite you in; ready to give you the sense of safety and care you deserve. Jing Yuan is always trying his best to be kind and understanding but he will also definitely be the voice of reason whenever you need a reality check. He’s really good at finding the balance between validating your feelings and simultaneously disagreeing with you. Jing Yuan is easy to befriend and easy to get along with. He’s a good friend and you can be glad to have him by your side. 

C = Cuddles

(Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) 

Jing Yuan loves cuddles! His favorites definitely are when both of you have cleared your schedules and can just lay down in bed and cuddle for a while. He loves being the big spoon and hugging you from behind. His fingertips would run up and down your arm and he’d end up playing with your fingers or massaging your hands. He’ll often press a kiss to your neck or the shell of your ear. Sometimes he asks you to turn your head to him a little more so he can reach your cheek with his lips. 

Jing Yuan also enjoys when you rest your head against his chest. He sleeps with his shirt off and he enjoys the feeling of your cheek resting against his skin. Jing Yuan always has a comfortable warmth to him. He also gets very clingy in his sleep. You’d already be cuddling when he falls asleep but once he’s off in deep sleep, he’ll drape his leg over yours and try to pull you even closer into his chest. You had to wake him up from time to time to time to tell him to stop squishing you so much. He’ll have a bashful expression on his face and will apologize. “I’m sorry… seems I got a little carried away in my dreams”, he chuckles and presses a kiss to your forehead. “As cute as you are when you get clingy, unfortunately I can’t fall asleep if you squeeze me in your arms like that”, you sigh with a smile on your face, running a hand through his messy hair. 

D = Domestic

(Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

If Jing Yuan starts a relationship with you, it’s with the intention to make it last. He has been the General for a very long time now and he knows he’ll retire from this job eventually. And when he does, he wants you to still be there by his side to spend the rest of his days with him. 

Fu Xuan has definitely jokingly referred to Jing Yuan as a househusband before because that’s how he acts around you, despite having a job and responsibilities. Jing Yuan is very good at cooking and you always love it when he makes something for you. You’re definitely looking forward to being able to eat his food for the rest of your life. 

He does clean but that’s something he’d rather do together with you. He’ll often feel unmotivated to do it, although he gets up to clean anyway if it needs to be done, but he’ll prefer to take some time with you to throw on a nice song both of you like and clean together whilst conversing about whatever comes to mind. It can make an activity he usually dislikes actually fun for him. 

There are a lot of domestic moments with Jing Yuan throughout your daily life that you definitely would not want to miss out on, be it keeping him company while he cooks; wrapping your arms around his waist and leaning your head against his back; or cleaning sessions being randomly interrupted by Jing Yuan asking you for a dance in the living room. 

E = Ending

(If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) 

If he breaks up with you, it would always be for your own good; either because your safety is compromised by associating with him or because he notices he’s no longer good for you. If he does plan to break up with you, Jing Yuan definitely spends a couple of sleepless nights trying to find the method that would hurt you the least; because even if he no longer sees a future for the two, you’ve still been an important part of his life for so long and it breaks his heart to see you cry. 

He’d definitely do it during a time where neither of you have any plans for the rest of the day or even the next day. He’d sit you down and tells you there’s something he needs to talk about with you. He tries to keep it together but he can’t help tearing up when he tries to actually get the words out. He only hopes you will still be on good terms even after the breakup and that you will be happy again.

That aside, Jing Yuan handles breakups terribly. Not as horrible as some other characters (i.e. Blade), but everytime he meets you now, he’ll accidentally end up saying something sentimental that’s reminiscent of your time together and just makes both of you sad again or makes the whole situation awkward. Jing Yuan definitely wants to continue being your friend after you break up but he’s very bad at moving on so that might not be possible, leaving you with no choice but to keep him at a distance if you really want to move on. 

F = Fiance(e)

(How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) 

Jing Yuan is all for commitment. If there’s anything Jing Yuan is good at, it’s commitment, so you have nothing to worry about in that department. He adores you with all his heart and he wants to keep you by his side for as long as possible.

So for a member of a long-life species, Jing Yuan doesn’t take very long to propose to you if he’s really sure about his future with you. His proposal is super sweet too. The ring he gets for you has so much symbolism and detail in it that you have to raise an eyebrow and ask him if he designed it personally at that point. Jing Yuan just chuckles and pats your head; telling you he just has a tendency to get carried away when it comes to you, especially when it’s about something as wonderful as marrying you. 

He’d probably propose like 2-3 years into the relationship if there aren’t any outside matters that could prove to be an obstacle to your happily ever after. And he plans the proposal for weeks. He rents a location that means something to both of you and puts a lot of effort into the decorations to make sure the whole thing feels romantic. Think: swimming candles, fairy lights and lots of beautiful flowers. You know what’s coming the moment you see him standing there with a bouquet of white roses in his hands, smiling at you like you’re his whole world (you are) and just immediately pulling you into such a slow and loving kiss. But you decide to indulge and act surprised. 

G = Gentle

(How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Very. In fact, he’s so gentle that you could yell at him and point a pitchfork at him and his first attempt at handling the situation would probably be to ask you what he has done to anger you this much and whether you’d like to sit down and talk about it. From the moment he met you he’s always been so polite and understanding towards you, that you couldn’t help but be draw to his gentle nature. Jing Yuan in general is very hard to hate and very easy to love. 

Emotionally, his gentleness comes out the most when you’re feeling down. Everything about how he treats you then, from the feeling of his arm wrapped around you and his hand softly rubbing your shoulder to his quiet whispers about how everything is going to be okay are so soothing to you that it’s really hard to be with Jing Yuan and still feel devastated at the end of the day. Even if he can’t get rid of your pain or fear, he always manages to ease it enough to calm you down and have you get your well-deserved rest in his arms.

Physically, there’s very few moments where Jing Yuan isn’t gentle. Of course he has his times where his kisses become more passionate and eager, especially when he missed you or when he was worried about you and is relieved to see you alright; but most of the time Jing Yuan’s gestures are just really soft. He’s the type for littering your skin in butterfly kisses and holding you like you’re made of porcelain.

H = Hugs

(Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) 

He loves hugs. He definitely always hugs you as a greeting. Sometimes he playfully lifts you up and spins you around, pressing a kiss to your lips when he puts you down again. “Someone’s excited”, you smirk as he wraps his arms around you once more from behind and sways lightly with you to the movement of the wind, pressing his cheek against yours. 

He also adores when you sit on his lap and wrap your legs and arms around him or hold his face in your hands and keep pressing kisses to his lips the way he does so often. Jing Yuan will then bury his face in your neck, gently nuzzling your skin or just close his eyes and bask in your love. 

When you need his support, he also won’t hesitate to pull you into his embrace. He’ll rest his head on top of yours and rubs your back, letting you cry into his shoulder if you need to. He’ll hold you the whole night if you need him to.

Jing Yuan adores your hugs especially when you initiate them. The more excited you are about it, the better. He’s absolutely whipped if you just run towards him and jump into his arms because you’re just that happy to be reunited with him. It makes his heart flutter and he makes sure to let you know that. Another thing he’s weak for is when he sits at his desk and works and you hug him from behind while you’re standing behind him, your cheek leaned against his soft hair. Work can wait for a while then…

I = I love you

(How fast do they say the L-word?) 

Fast. In fact, right when he confesses, because he only lets you know about his intent to date you if he’s sure he’s in love with you and wants you to stay by his side. Once he is, there’s nothing holding him back from telling you. He wants you to know how he feels about you and he feels like there’s a more stable foundation for your relationship if you’re certain that he’s serious about you and loves you with all his heart. Jing Yuan is not someone who lets worries or fear of rejection hold him back from being honest with you about his feelings.

He also tells you that he loves you whenever he feels like it. There’s many moments throughout the day where he just looks at you and is reminded exactly what it was about you that made him want to stay around for the rest of his life, and the words slip from his lips without even thinking; even if it’s about something super mundane or even silly. He also always says it back when you tell him you love him. 

If he has what you have started to refer to as “Jing Yuan’s clingy 5 minutes”, he’ll just pull you into his lap and kiss you over and over again, whispering those 3 words you love to hear so much against your lips before he pulls you in for another kiss. He smiles against your lips and tells you he loves you more with every day that passes. If you ever doubt his love for you, he makes sure to really drive the point home and reassure you that you have his whole heart.

J = Jealousy

(How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) 

Jing Yuan isn’t really a jealous person. He trusts you and he expects you to do the same. If he does get jealous it’s usually because there’s actually something wrong; either because his suspicions are correct or because you’ve been keeping him at a distance because of issues you haven’t addressed with him all whilst growing closer with someone else; even if there’s 0 romantic intent behind it. 

Jing Yuan is mature enough not to let jealousy get the better of him. The only thing that’s different is that he looks after you with a worried and sad expression when you head off to meet the person he’s jealous of or sees you talking to him. He usually just needs some reassurance that everything is alright between you, which is why in the rare moments he does notice jealousy rising up within him, he seeks you out when you’re alone to talk to you about your feelings.

Usually it ends with an open discussion about the underlying problem, for example that something has happened in your life that made you worried about the future or that he has accidentally said something that hurt your feelings and you haven’t found out how to bring it up with him yet. Jing Yuan can talk everything out with you if you let him and once the problem is resolved, his feelings of jealousy are gone too. Overall, Jing Yuan getting actually jealous is super rare and when he does, he handles it really well and it doesn’t present a cause for relationship drama if you don’t let it. 

K = Kisses

(What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) 

As said before, Jing Yuan’s kisses are usually gentle and very loving. A lot of times they’re the typical lazy morning kisses but all throughout the day. And he often prefers a lot of small butterfly kisses over straight up making out. He feels like that conveys the way you make his heart flutter a lot better. Jing Yuan always pulls you close when he kisses you. 

His favorite places to kiss you include your lips and your neck. When he’s feeling playful, he often presses kisses to the corner of your mouth or picks at your lower lip with his, while he has a soft smile on his face. Jing Yuan’s lips are super soft and they always make you swoon. He loves to bury his face in your neck which often comes with repeatedly kissing the skin there and spoiling you with his affection. Another spot he often kisses are your fingers when he holds them in his hands like they’re the most delicate thing ever.

Jing Yuan himself loves kisses to his cheek. Just all of the idle moments of you passing him by and pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek or telling him that you think he’s cute before doing this. Additionally, he’s a bit weak for when you sleep in his arms and wake up and you press a kiss to his chest before even opening your eyes because it’s right next to your face. He thinks you’re adorable. He instantly wraps his arms around you tighter and lets you wake up to his affections. 

L = Little ones

(How are they around children?) 

Jing Yuan would totally be up for having children with you if that’s something you want; whether it’s adopting them or having them yourself. I mean, at this point you’re practically already Yanqing’s parents. I always imagine Jing Yuan as a father to be kind of like Mufasa (without the tragic death). Like “Your son is awake”; “Before sunrise he’s your son”. And he’d definitely teach his kid a lot of life lessons that will make people say “Your father is a very wise man” if they ever tell it to someone else. Jing Yuan has a lot more wisdom than he realizes and when he passes it on, it tends to stay with his child until way into adulthood. 

He also is totally the type to indulge and support his kid’s imagination. Like, they’d pull out their dolls or figurines and make up little stories with them and Jing Yuan would listen attentively and join them in playing; offering his own ideas. You’d observe them sitting on the floor of your kid’s bedroom, playing with the figurines. “Aw, this one fell into the mud and I can’t get it clean anymore… and it was brand new too, I haven’t even named it yet”, your child would say about the newest addition to their collection. “How about ‘Mr. Clean’ then?”, Jing Yuan suggests ironically. “That’s a horrible name”, you butt in before moving on with whatever you were doing before. “It’s not”, Jing Yuan insists, “they just don’t have taste.” “I heard that”, you call out from the other room, “don’t forget I picked you.” 

M = Morning

(How are mornings spent with them?)

Mornings with Jing Yuan are a long endeavor and yet he always makes them feel way too short. Usually one of you wakes up slowly and is already kissing the other before even opening their eyes. Either it’s you turning your head to plant kisses on his chest or Jing Yuan searching for your lips in the dark. He loves when you wake up before him and kiss him awake. You’ll be pressing soft kisses to his lips and he comes to his senses and opens his mouth to get a taste of you first thing in the morning. 

Jing Yuan’s mornings are lazy. He’s the type you have to pull out of bed by his arm because he keeps saying “just 10 more minutes” whilst trying to convince you to stay in his arms even if you need to get up for work. “How have you had this position for this long if you’re this irresponsible?”, you sigh and Jing Yuan stretches like a lion cub before dozing back off to sleep. You shake your head. He’s a hopeless case, you think. What eventually motivates him to get up is the fact that he misses your warmth so while you’re brushing your teeth or preparing breakfast, your sleepy boyfriend is slouching over you, clinging to you with his head resting against yours. “Jing Yuan, could you not put your entire weight on me? Jing Yuan?”, you sigh as you notice the dozing general had already fallen asleep again. You play with the thought of just shaking him awake but how could you when he mumbles how much he loves you and that he wants more kisses in his sleep?

N = Night

(How are nights spent with them?)

As I said, Jing Yuan has a habit of getting clingy while he’s asleep. Sometimes you’ll wake up to him squishing you in his embrace. He’ll try and fail to press kisses to your skin wherever he can reach; oftentimes just pressing his lips against your skin without the actual kissing. You think it’s the most adorable thing ever. It always makes you smile even though you have to push him away sometimes to be able to sleep yourself. 

Sometimes, especially on the weekend, you and Jing Yuan stay up late and take a walk through the city or have a nice dinner at a restaurant together. He enjoys walking across the plazas with you when it’s so late that there’s hardly anyone on the street anymore and it’s just you, him, the stars above you and the idle sound of the water in the fountains or the trees swaying in the wind. Sometimes you’ll sit down on a bench reminiscing about some old memories you shared together or watching the constellations above. Or rather, you’re watching the constellations and halfway through Jing Yuan just starts looking at you instead. He has lived a long life and he has seen the stars over and over again but he could never get tired of seeing the love of his life and reaching out to hold your hand. 

O = Open

(When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) 

It’s not so much the fact that he doesn’t trust you with his past or feels doubtful you’ll see him the same way afterwards; it’s just that there’s a lot of things Jing Yuan hasn’t talked about with anyone in a long, long time. He needs to warm up to the idea of confiding in you and putting all cards on the table. In the beginning of the relationship, questions about his past will often be answered with very vague statements before Jing Yuan switches the topic to make it less awkward, which can be frustrating for you and may feel like he isn’t being truthful with you or purposefully withholding things.

But as time goes on he eventually notices he’s ready to share the whole truth with you and he finds that talking about it with you actually helps him make peace with the past. You’re relieved to know that his reserved demeanor when it came to topics he didn’t want to talk about had nothing to do with you personally and more with Jing Yuan needing time to speak about it at all. The deep conversations where you learn more about Jing Yuan’s past and his feelings in response to that usually happen when you’re cuddling at night. There comes a point in time where Jing Yuan feels comfortable enough that if you want to know something about him that’s still unclear to you, you only have to ask. Things get a lot easier from there on out.

P = Patience

(How easily angered are they?) 

Jing Yuan is the most patient person you've ever met, which can actually be counterproductive in situations where you’re genuinely upset or angry. It’s very difficult to get an emotionally charged response out of him. Jing Yuan thinks distressing situations are best approached with a calm demeanor and civil conversations so he actually chooses to remain calm and practice restraint even if he ends up being angry or sad. Depending on your perspective on the whole thing, this has the potential to feel like he’s simply not as affected by the situation or doesn’t really care about an emotional outburst if you ever have one; but Jing Yuan is really just trying to calm you down and reassure you, which would be hard to do if he started impulsively responding to his emotions. 

So even when Jing Yuan gets angry, it’s usually not visible unless he straight up, calmly, tells you he’s mad at you and he’ll need some time to sort this out. In general, Jing Yuan is someone who responds with sadness rather than anger to an upsetting situation. He doesn’t like himself when he gets angry and he understands that you’re upset too and he first and foremost wants both of you to be happy again. He does not want to make you feel worse. 

As for things that do make him angry, even if he doesn’t show it on his face; it’s either you being reckless and putting yourself in a dangerous situation despite his pleas not to or when he can tell something is wrong and you have a problem with him but refuse to communicate with him about it. This can be frustrating for him and cause him to feel a little burnt out from the whole thing, which might make him withdraw for a while. Even though Jing Yuan’s seemingly never-ending patience can feel a little invalidating when you’re expecting an emotional reaction from him, most of the time it works in your favor and Jing Yuan is very good at keeping the peace in your relationship.

Q = Quizzes

(How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) 

Jing Yuan is a good listener and he’s attentive. He remembers a lot of details about you. Given how long he lives, he’s bound to have some of them slip out of his memory but they’re never truly gone. A century could pass and then he sees something that reminds him about a random detail you told him about yourself; something he would have expected himself to have forgotten long ago, and he can imagine the conversation that led to him learning this fact as vividly as if it was yesterday.

You’re often surprised when you witness this happening because sometimes Jing Yuan will bring up things even you forgot you ever told him. “You remembered this?”, you raise an eyebrow with a smile on your face. “Honestly, I’m as surprised as you are”, Jing Yuan shrugs and takes your hand into his, “then again, I’m also not. It’s a memory I share with you after all. So no wonder it stayed somewhere in my subconscious, waiting for the right time to emerge again.” “You’re so cheesy sometimes”, you laugh and ruffle his hair. “Isn’t that what made you fall for me?”, he teases and pulls you onto his lap; placing soft kisses on your neck again.

Oftentimes when Jing Yuan remembers things you told him you liked or enjoyed doing a while ago, this sparks gift ideas and date ideas in his head and he can’t wait to surprise you with the fact that he not only remembered this casual bit of information you told him, but he also went out of this way to get you a comfort food you didn’t have in a while or set up a nice afternoon for you based on something trivial you forgot you even mentioned.

R = Remember

(What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

There’s so many moments in your relationship that Jing Yuan wouldn’t trade for the world and they’re memories he deeply values and treasures. But if he had to pick; it’d probably be a moment that recurs every now and then. He can’t possibly pick a single memory as a favorite for one of the most important bonds he’s ever had, so what truly are his favorite moments in your relationship are seeing each other again; whether it was after being apart for days or just a couple of hours. Having you jump into his arms or cupping his cheeks to press your lips to his, telling him that you missed him and that you just had to come see him.

They’re the moments you reunite after battle, the moments you slip into bed with him for cuddles and kisses after both of you have been stressed for the past few days and the moments when he’s supposed to be working and you visit him because you just craved his affection that much. They’re the moments after arguments, when everything has been forgiven and forgotten and he’s back in your arms, kissing you deeply as if he’s been starving from your lack of affection and they’re the moments when he thought he might have lost you and there you are; kissing him breathless like you’ve been apart for a thousand years.

S = Security

(How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) 

Jing Yuan is very protective of you. He understands if you want to fight alongside him but he’s a General and most of the time his mindset is that he can handle these things himself. Losing you would be the worst thing he could imagine, so the urge to keep you safe is what pushes him beyond his limits on the battlefield. It doesn’t make him careless but it does make you worry that he’ll compromise his own safety for yours. Jing Yuan would never leave you behind even if it seemed like he couldn’t win a battle at all odds. He’d protect you even if he’d have to pay with his life.

Additionally, Jing Yuan gets protective when someone else tries to hurt you with words or rain on your parade or when you’re uncomfortable in a situation. He doesn’t hesitate to stand up for you and give someone a piece of his mind if they dare to bother you. If a situation is distressing for you, he makes sure to lead you away to a place where you feel safer and can gather yourself in the comfort of his arms. 

Jing Yuan absolutely loves when you’re protective of him. The whole situation could have the vibe of an angry chihuahua trying to defend godzilla from a drunk man with a gun and Jing Yuan would still think you’re a dream come true. He might not be in danger at all and perfectly capable of handling the situation himself but seeing you so serious about keeping him safe and comfortable gets his heart to beat faster. He makes a mental note to pay you back for that with his affection later.

T = Try

(How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

The answer is; a lot of effort. After you’ve been together for a long time it’s a little lost on you how in the world Jing Yuan still manages to come up with so many meaningful dates and gifts for you but you’re certainly not complaining. He loves you with all his heart and love has the tendency to make Jing Yuan surprisingly creative.

He makes sure to take you out on a date at least once a month even if you’ve been married for a hundred years, he always celebrates your anniversary every year and gives you gifts. And all of this is so well thought out that sometimes you feel a little bad for not having as many ideas like that to surprise him with. But Jing Yuan is more of a giver in a committed relationship. He’s at his happiest not when he receives affection from you but when he sees your reactions to the things he does for you. When he buys a gift or plans an anniversary, he’s already imagining your smile or your grateful kisses or the compliments that slip from your lips between them when he surprises you with the final result and it makes his heart beat faster and makes him giddy and excited internally even if you’ve been together for years.

For Jing Yuan, all of that is worth every bit of effort. He loves making you feel loved and happy. He doesn’t feel like any gift or gesture could ever convey the full extent of his feelings for you and your importance in his life but he will try nonetheless. 

U = Ugly

(What would be some bad habits of theirs?) 

For one, Jing Yuan worries too much. He doesn’t restrict you in any of your choices but he doesn’t work well with a reckless person. He has lost so many people as the centuries went by and he feels so deeply for you that he can’t sleep without knowing you’re home or at least in a safe place. If you go out late in the evening and you don’t text him when you’re back home or back at the hotel etc.; Jing Yuan does not sleep. If this is a regular occurrence, the man might ironically end up with insomnia. Instead of settling on the fact that you probably just forgot to tell him and or passed out in bed from exhaustion and are sleeping soundly, his mind sometimes tends to catastrophize which is detrimental to his psychological well-being if it carries on for long enough. Jing Yuan needs a person who will tell him everything is alright before they go to sleep at night and takes the time to inform him when they’re late.

Additionally, Jing Yuan often fails to realize when you need your space. Arguments are something that stress him a lot and continuously for as long as they last, so he’s the type of person who’d rather resolve them immediately. Jing Yuan doesn’t need space when you’re fighting, he needs to solve the problem and make sure he’s back on good terms with you. Sometimes the fact that you might be someone who doesn’t approach conflict like that flies over his head. He thinks he can talk everything out with you immediately and sometimes he unintentionally makes it worse with that.

V = Vanity

(How concerned are they with their looks?) 

The man has birds in his hair. I think this is all you need to know to answer that question. He cares enough to look presentable at his job but other than that, looks don’t matter to him.

However, he does remember when he wears an outfit that makes you want to kiss him over and over again or tries out a hairstyle that gets you to swoon over him and he will try to do this more often because he loves your reaction to it. Having you call him pretty or stunning is an added bonus to the affection he already gets from you but it certainly boosts his mood and makes him soft.

W = Whole

(Would they feel incomplete without you?) 

Oh, definitely. Once you’re a part of Jing Yuan’s life and have been this close to him, he’s very emotionally over-attached. Not to an unhealthy degree and he doesn’t really act on it, but emotionally he definitely pines for you long after your relationship has ended. You know those people who keep having an inkling of feelings for someone even after not talking to them in a decade which can re-ignite into a flame just by seeing you again? That’s Jing Yuan. That’s what he’s like.

That’s why despite the fact that he doesn’t feel like he has to hide his feelings from you before getting together with you, he waits to actively approach you or initiate anything until he’s certain that what you have can last because he is aware that he has these tendencies and he knows it’s not good for himself if it turns out that your relationship won’t work out. So that’s why it can still take quite some time to finally make things official with Jing Yuan. 

He’d absolutely feel incomplete without you and that’s an experience he dreads if your relationship ever threatens to fail, because he knows he’ll be stuck with it for a long, long time.

X = Xtra

(A random headcanon for them.) 

This is another flaw to him when it comes to romance, but if he’s not dating you yet, he has a tendency to delude himself a little bit. For example, imagine you’re traveling for two months and you promise to go on a date with him once you’re back to the Xianzhou. In those two months Jing Yuan will probably have played every single scenario about how this date could potentially go in his head without even realizing and sometimes that makes him lose touch with reality a little bit. Not to an extent where the way he now behaves towards you drives you away from him but rather there’s a sudden change in the way he interacts with you from your perspective.

He’s not overbearing but he may surprise you with suddenly being a lot more comfortable and open with you than you expected him to be at this point in time. Like, you’ll be on polite speaking terms and occasionally flirt a bit when you leave and you come back to Jing Yuan having gained the comfort and feeling of closeness with you that he now talks to you like you’re his good friend he’s been through hell with and it’s a shift that catches you off-guard. This might actually work in your favor if you have a huge crush on him but if it feels too weird, you might need to ask him to take things slow. He’ll listen and apologize for getting a little too ahead of himself. 

Y = Yuck

(What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) 

Aside from the obvious things like cheating or the recklessness I previously talked about, I feel like one thing Jing Yuan would really struggle with is someone who does not communicate properly with him or sends him mixed signals. He’d rather have you yelling at him or venting your frustrations to him in an emotional outburst, because that is something he can actually approach, than for you to just not tell him what’s bothering you even though something clearly is or you not being truthful with him about things in your relationship. Jing Yuan wants a relationship where you two can be comfortable and fully open with one another and that does not work if he has to play guessing games all the time about what’s going on in your head even after he asks you about it. Jing Yuan is a “let’s talk it out” kind of guy and that’s his first approach to resolving conflict so when that’s not an option he doesn’t really know how to deal with it and he feels a little unsteady about what’s supposed to happen next. Jing Yuan is always open to correcting his mistakes or meeting you halfway when anything he did hurt your feelings but he absolutely cannot deal with someone who does not bring these things up to him until they essentially blow up in his face. 

He’d also hate feeling like a trophy boyfriend. Yes he’s probably pretty popular and has quite a few admirers since he’s also such an important public figure and he’s undeniably handsome; and he’s happy and feels honored when you are genuinely proud to be with him and hype him up, but if he finds himself in a social situation where he feels like he’s just there to for you to impress people with your relationship or he hears you talk about how handsome he is to someone else and brag about it like you won him in the lottery, that’s something that would make him really uncomfortable.

Z = Zzz

(What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

A lot of these I’ve already touched upon. Mostly getting very clingy while he’s asleep and squeezing you in his arms, prompting you to push him off you a little bit so you can sleep comfortably as well. When he’s just in a light state of sleep he tends to mumble about how much he loves you and that he wants cuddles and kisses. 

Sometimes sleeping next to Jing Yuan can be challenging because he has his clingy times but he also has times where he suddenly takes up all the space in the bed and hogs all the blankets and pillows and you have to pull them out of his grabby hands, cursing him internally for still having so much strength even whilst being sound asleep. He does not wake up from that. Surprisingly, however, he wakes up immediately when you leave the room. It’s like he senses you’re not there with him any more and his eyes open to see light in the bathroom or the kitchen. He knows you’ll be right back so he waits for you to return before going back to sleep. You’re surprised to find him awake every time this happens. As soon as you’re back in bed, Jing Yuan wraps his arms around you again and nuzzles your neck affectionately. “I missed you”, he mumbles with a sleepy voice. “I’ve been gone for 5 minutes”, you whisper back and chuckle. He doesn’t reply as he has already dozed off again but he does smile when you press a good night kiss to his forehead.

[wayneskluv]

and they were roommates — h. quinn

summary: silly lesbian roommates

word count: 690

warnings: implications of masterbation at the end

pairing: roommate!harley quinn x f!reader

authors note: non canon harley cause she’s not so insane so just pretend it’s harleen quinzel | i’ll do a part 2 if anyone wants one 😭

You were sat at your desk, your fingertips gracing the keys as you mindlessly type yet another essay that will not, in any way, be useful in the real world.

“Hi.” You hear a high pitched voice from behind you, the New York accent belonging to your roommate, that you sort-of-definitely-have-a-thing-for, Harley Quinn. “Whatcha working on?” As she speaks, she leans in closer, having absolutely no concept of personal space.

You let out an exasperated sigh, that you cut off with a chuckle. “Nothing special.” You say, your eyes never leaving the screen. A small smile tugs at the side of your lips, feeling the lingering presences of Harley from behind you.

“Sorry, Harls. Gotta work on this.” If you’d turned around, you’d have seen the over-dramatic pout she was putting on.

It was almost comical how she could make any small gesture and it would instantly pull your attention her way. You did, in fact, turn to look at her finally and were caught off guard by the playful pout that was now on her lips. It brought a sudden rush of air, almost as if you’d forgotten to breathe.

“No reason to look at me like that. I still have like… another hour, at least, to work on this. Can’t let it get too close to the deadline.”

“I wasn’t doing anything.” Came the quick answer from Harley. It was almost like she could sense where your eyes would be looking next, because now she was standing in the way of your computer screen.

“You could be doing something other than working.” She whined, leaning back over and placing her hands, on the edge of your desk, on either side of your keyboard.

“Oh, yeah?” The flirty words roll off your tongue before you can stop them, almost muscle memory at the point. Your head peers round her waist, trying to focus on your work and not the close proximity.

She laughed at your inability to focus on the task at hand. The proximity between the two of you, she knew, had to be distracting for you too. “So,” her hands moved, and she stood a little straighter, allowing you a proper view back at your computer screen.

“What do you have planned for the rest of the day?” The flirtatious banter was easy with Harley, but there was an understanding beneath this playful behaviour which felt nice.

“Nothing.” You replied, though the tone of your voice, the body language you were exuding said the exact opposite. Harley was enjoying the back and forth between the two of you; the feeling of tension as her proximity continued to remain very close to yours.

She had been waiting for the moment where you’d have no excuse, no excuse to not ask her to hang out more. And this was the perfect opening, she was offering to spend time with you, outside of your shared apartment.

“Wanna do something?” She says, “You know, together. When you’ve done.” Her voice is almost too eager, if she didn’t have such a bubbly personality, you’d have been more curious.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” You reply, this was what you’d been waiting for. That invitation, that openness. The playful back and forth banter between you was one thing. And your roommate situation was a whole entirely different situation, which felt like it was a bit of a hindrance to this budding, whatever was going on.

“Maybe something to eat,” she started, “Something outside of these walls.” She was so hyper-focused on the space between you, your proximity, you felt almost as if she was breathing for the both of you.

“Yeah, sounds great.” In your concentration, you dart out your tongue to wet your bottom, a gesture that doesn’t go unnoticed by her.

An hour later, you finally click the save button and close your laptop down. You stand up, stretching as you move with a small groan, and you head toward Harleys room. As your bare heels hit the floor, you hear the prettiest little whines coming from her room. You’re about to knock when you hear a low whimper of your name.

[dinneronvenus]

These two men fuck the same.

They put all of their secret emotions on display in the bedroom. Let me explain.

It’s always a varied ratio of romantic and rough. The way he kisses you for half an hour until you’re begging him to touch you. His tongue has mapped out your entire mouth before it moves to your neck. You’re cross eyed with lust for him. He can’t get you naked fast enough, and often he doesn’t remove too much of his own clothing because all his focus is on you and your beautiful body. He wants to see you, needs to see you. Warm rough hands roam every inch and caress every curve until you snap and tell him to put his fingers inside you. He lets a chuckle slip out as he obliges you, rough fingers stretching you out pleasantly. He finger fucks you for a while, enjoying the sounds you and your pussy make. He pulls his fingers out occasionally to taste you and tease himself because he’s addicted to your taste. He’d never admit it verbally but it’s clear as day. He finally snaps and starts eating you out, completely ignoring your pleas of it being too sensitive. He wants you to cum until you’re brainless and can only paw at him while muttering nonsense. To see you come undone is his idea of heaven. When he finally relieves you of your emptiness and gives you his dick, it’s a slow stroke that makes you hyper aware of how big he is, you can feel every single aspect of the stretch and the throbbing of his swollen cock inside you. He always grips your jaw and makes you focus, tells you to look at him or if you’re in a position to do so, tells you “watch me stretch out that pretty pussy” and notices how you hesitate before you do as you’re told. That split second of your good nature coming through drives him mad, because he knows he doesn’t deserve to touch something so pure and perfect but he is—you’re letting him feel every part of you and he is going to make sure you never forget it.

[phecdasolar]

Friendly reminder that if you see something bad or stressful on the internet you can ignore it. If you see something bad that’s trending you don’t have to click on it.

Your mental health comes first. This is going out specifically and especially to all my fellow hyper-empathetic people out there. If you know that going down a rabbit hole of information on a specific horrible topic is going to make you depressed or feel like crap then you don’t have to interact with that. (Edit: I have been informed that this is called “doomscrolling.” To repeat what I was told: Doomscrolling is not activism. It doesn’t end up helping anybody and it only hurts you.)

In this day and age where we have access to the internet and information about soooooo many different horrible things it can be so easy to get sucked in to all of it. We have wars, we have constant natural disasters (there’s a massive fire close to where I live right now, it’s barely contained, and is rivaling the fire we had a few years ago that destroyed an entire town. It’s terrifying), we have beloved creators being accused and revealed to have done horrible things (the fact that I can say this and multiple names immediately pop into my head sickens me).

The point is, take a break. Get off the internet. Breathe. Go for a walk. Maybe look at videos of cute baby animals, or compilations of “restore your faith in humanity.” Go read a book. Eat something you like. Take a nap. Drink some water. Take a shower. If you’re religious, pray about it. Take care of yourself and don’t allow yourself to drown in the dread.

And for the people who might come at me for this saying “how dare you not care about the problems going on or the pain other people are in!” That’s the problem. It’s not that I don’t care, the problem is that I care too much. Please refer back to the hyper-empathetic part of this message. I am a sympathetic crier. I will allow myself to get so sucked in to an issue and I will end up feeling terrible about it. I won’t want to leave my bed, I feel like crying and throwing up and there is an everlasting pit in my stomach the size of Alaska. I am no help to anyone in a state like that, and neither is anyone else. I will say it again, take care of yourself and your mental health first.

There’s a reason on planes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

But that’s not to say you have to ignore it completely! Take a step back, take a break, and then engage when and only when you feel like you’re at the mental/emotional/psychological capacity to do so.

When coming back a tip I have is pick one specific issue, and focus on that. Only one. Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you can, find a friend or someone you know is reliable and levelheaded and talk to them about it. Multiple perspectives can help a lot, plus you feel less alone when tackling a difficult situation.

It’s important when you’re gathering information on the issue that you know your sources are reliable, and you’re doing your own research. “Okay, multiple people on Tumblr are screaming about something but they’re saying different things about what’s going on.” Tumblr is not a reliable or credible source I am sorry besties. We are a bunch of dumpster gremlin raccoons given access to a platform to scream out our personal thoughts and opinions. Please don’t take them as solid immediate truth.

I have more I could say on this probably but it’s 1 am and I am losing my thought coherency. Have a good night/day and take care of yourselves <3

[roseypwark]

Two | Unique Color

//

“Oho, look at you. You’ve got an entourage.”

Yuna does indeed have an entourage of sorts in the form of a cameraman and boom op. Their names are Jongmin and Gikwang and have been working for BigHit since 2015 and 2018, respectively.

"It's a lot, yes? You're suddenly really famous, Yuna-yah."

"Too much sometimes."

Hyowon (Kwon Hyowon, aka Pdogg, aka BTS’s main producer since ever, aka KMCA grand prize 2019 recipient) laughs, more heartily than Yuna probably deserves but he's always been entirely too gracious with her.

Yuna thinks he sees her as a charity case. Poor little abandoned girl with too much talent that she doesn't know what to do with. He's been incredibly helpful in furthering her producing skill set and in getting her an audition with BigHit Labels.

"I will get used to it, though."

"You were made for the camera. Even more so for the microphone. Did you get any ideas while you were hidden away?"

"Too many."

Yuna sets the notebook she filled to the brim in her time in I-Land on the desk. She had to start writing incredibly small near the end, filling in margins and shoving random scrap papers in between pages. Her handwriting is terrible enough that very few have been able to decipher it; trying to piece together the mod podge that is any of her notebooks would be an impossible take for anyone but herself.

"I need to get some of these off paper as soon as possible."

Hyowon makes an impressed noise.

He always seems entertained by how much content she is able to squeeze out of her brain, even if 70% of it is unusable slop and another 15% isn't worth pursuing. 10% should never have seen the light of day to begin with and that last usable 5% all depends on if Yuna can hyper-focus long enough to make a proper track.

Hyowon says she should be less critical of herself but she's just protecting herself from the inevitable harsh criticism the world will give her. If she is her own harshest critic, no on else can hurt her.

She'll never amount to anything if she releases any old garbage her head thinks up. Then again, something she abandoned a year ago because she thought it wasn’t good enough became a track on TXT's newest mini album, so maybe there's something to Hyowon’s advice.

The track Yuna makes isn’t one she would ever release under normal circumstances but for ENHYPEN&HI, to “show her unique color” and “prove her usefulness to the group,” the entire 3-hour process is documented, including the thirty minutes she spends trying to get a bass riff just right.

It will be edited down into a few minutes of screen time, maybe even less, then stuck into the first episode sometime after the first day of work and whatever next thing is exciting enough to be filmed. Yuna feels incredibly awkward the entire time, especially after Hyowon leaves for a meeting and she’s alone in his studio.

“Does Pdogg often let you use his studio alone?” Jongmin asks, apparently catching onto the fact that she’ll say nothing if not prompted.

She nods. “I started interning for him a year and a half ago? About that long. He trusts me in here.”

Jongmin prompts her occasionally while she works. “What are you doing? … What are you doing now?”

She knows it’s just for the camera, but the two men with her seem genuinely interested as she explains parts of the arrangement and production of a song to them. To the camera. She is talking to Jongmin and Gikwang but it’s for the camera. Right?

Yuna had found this all a lot for confusing than she had anticipated. She’s never sure when someone is being genuine.

Especially with the cameras all over the dorm that supposedly aren’t filming, it’s just easier for the production team to leave them up until they’re needed again but Yuna doesn’t know if she actually trusts that.

Maybe Jongmin will show her how to tell if a camera is on or not, then she can be sure. Or maybe she can just cover them with tissues or something.

//

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Tag List: @pjselee

[broadwaybalogna]

Hyperfixations: what they are, how they work, and why they’re unhealthy

A PSA about my relationship with hyperfixations and why someone should get help if they’re experiencing something similar.

So, if you’ve seen me on this site/app, it’s probably been due to my massive love for Zutara and Katara. If you see me now, I almost barely use this site other than to reblog one or two Zutara posts I like. This is the result of an extremely unhealthy hyperfixation I had with Zutara.

A hyperfixation is pretty much exactly what it sounds like, but it’s easiest to explain it by breaking it up: a fixation is something a person is solely focuses on for a duration of time. This is often compared to a light obsession toward something. Most people can have fixations. It’s very easy to become enamored with something and make it a sole focus for maybe a day or two. The hyper aspect is what changes everything and why hyperfixations are most commonly associated with neurodivergent or autistic individuals.

Going from a fixation to a hyperfixation is easy to visualize. Imagine all the aspects of a fixation- just 10x more obsessive. A hyperfixation is basically the more unhealthy version of a fixation. I clearly remember myself staying up until 4-5am each night writing, drawing, and consuming Zutara content. It took up my every thought (seriously, almost all my thoughts consisted of Zutara. I could be at the beach and daydream about Zutara having a beach date, I would go shopping and look for Zutara/Katara merchandise, it took my my entire focus.)

There was nothing anyone could do to take my focus away. I was aware, in retrospect, that what I was doing wasn’t good for myself, but I was too obsessed to stop myself and take a break. That’s why when the hyperfixation finally died down, I almost left this site in its entirety. It was a sharp transition from hyperfixation to small preference; this is in large part also due to the fact that I began taking ADHD medication.

The medication I had stopped my hyperfixation, but it didn’t help any other factors that contributed to my attention deficit disorder, so I was on and off a variety of meds for a month or two.

When I finally stopped obsessing over these two, however, I was able to get good sleep, I was able to eat better, and I was able to better focus on what I needed to do rather than wanted to do.

Now, just because I’m not as crazy about Zutara as I was, it doesn’t mean I don’t like the ship at all anymore. My hyperfixation had to stem from a regular fixation/interest in order for it to get to the intensity that it got to, but I do think it is incredibly important to spread awareness about how unhealthy I was and how it manifested on this site.

From March 26th to August 5th, I wrote a total of 25 fanfictions and 40k words surrounding Zutara. That’s 2.5 fanfictions per week. Not to mention everything I was reading and consuming as well. I was also drawing. I made about 20 drawings with an average of maybe 1.5 hours spent on each one.

I was aware of the fact that what was happening to me was unhealthy, but I was so obsessed I didn’t want to stop. I actually didn’t want to take my meds because I didn’t want my hyperfixation to end.

That’s how bad things can get.

I hope this is helping to understand just how out of control something can become. The ONLY way I was able to stop was by taking prescribed medication that literally sends signals to my brain to stfu and leave me alone.

If this post has helped you realize that you may be suffering from some form of a hyperfixation or other ADHD related symptoms, please take the time to research and schedule an appointment with a doctor so you can be properly diagnosed and medicated. These kinds of obstacles that neurodivergent people face have many ranges and it’s important to realize that help might be needed.

Please please please do what’s best for you if you think you may be facing a similar problem. Because it is a problem, and it can hurt.

I hope this post was able to do good to some people. I really don’t want to imagine people in a place where I was where everything in my brain was so clouded aside from a ship.

P.S: this post is not a resignation of mine for Tumblr and my love for Zutara. It’s acting also as kind of an explanation for why I have been very inactive as of late.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

Ok before I answer any more asks, I feel like I need to get my full thoughts out there. This might be a bit long, but I have a lot to say.

First off: I am very impressionable. I always have been and I always will be. I am well aware of this. When people tell me things, I often believe them at face value. I’m trying to get better at that, which is why I tried to stay neutral this time around when everything first came out. Then I removed myself from the situation for a couple days, came back to it today, forgot to beat my hyper empathy into submission for ten minutes, and found myself almost believing him one hundred percent. I almost forgot about his first response, where he lashed out and threatened to sue people over this. I also tend not to focus on situations like this often because it’s really bad for my POCD. I am bad at this. I need to preface this post by saying that.

I don’t support Forever anymore. I can’t, not after everything that’s happened over the past few days, especially after seeing his original reaction, which was to get mad and threaten to sue and to brush it all off as just twitter drama. And he still brushed it all off as twitter drama in this most recent stream. He didn’t even acknowledge how old the alleged victim was, which means a lot of people who only knew of this through his streams don’t know that he flirted with multiple girls as young as 13. He said it was just jokes, but he did privately message at least one of these girls and meet her in real life, even if it was within a group of people. Things can happen even within a crowd.

There had to have been more things that happened behind the scenes for all of his friends to suddenly drop him. Whether it was some kind of proof that he was aware this was wrong as he did it, or if he lashed out at the other ccs for initially unfollowing him when this all came out, I don’t know. But he handled this very immaturely in his first response without even looking into the issue, and I don’t feel right supporting him anymore.

Still, and hate me for this if you want, I can’t help but sympathize with him a little bit. I know, I know, but I was a shitty person when I was a teenager, and I’m constantly paranoid that things I’ve done or said will stick with me forever or come back around to bite me in the ass. Hell, I have done and said things when I was 17 that would get me dogpiled on twitter if I was a cc. I do understand why he was upset. Knowing that he has mental health issues because of repeated twitter hate mobs does make me feel sorry for him in that regard. Just because being exposed for past actions may have been deserved this time doesn’t mean that excessive hate was deserved every single time, nor is it deserved for every cc who has fucked up in the past.

However, he was very immature with his initial response, and him pushing this off as just a twitter cancellation is enough to tell me that he does not quite see that he was in the wrong. He keeps saying that he’s matured and that he’s better now, as if that alone is supposed to absolve him of any kind of responsibility. I think he handled this wrong, and I don’t want to support him anymore.

As for q!Forever, I know he has a lot of similarities to the cc. That will be too hard to look past for a lot of people, and if you don’t want to engage in content that includes him anymore, that’s well within your rights. I still love q!Forever despite that, and I personally will still consume content that includes him, and I don’t want to write him out of the story of the smp. We can do the same thing we did for c!Dream and basically adopt him as our own oc. q!Forever can be our character now if we want him to be, and we can still acknowledge that Forever put a lot of work and thought into his character and appreciate what he did for the smp while not supporting him as a creator anymore.

And finally, I also don’t like the way that this entire situation was handled in general by the fanbase. The person who did this (as far as I’m aware) was dedicated to going after ccs for generally trivial things. If they wanted justice for this, why not bring it up before now? Why not before he joined the smp? And the victim didn’t want any part in this as far as I know, and yet people went after her demanding comments on the situation. Twitter kept celebrating the ccs dropping Forever like it was some fun party, just like people have been doing for the whole Dream situation. Twitter hasn’t handled this with any sort of tact whatsoever, and many of us here on tumblr (myself included) have been more invested in arguing and over correcting our own actions and phrasing when some biased people bring up invalid points to actually step back and take a break.

We’ve all been on the defence from each other. People on here have criticized each other’s views, invalidated other people’s experiences, and thrown insults and names at each other like this is a playground fight instead of a serious situation. The situation is over. Let’s just breathe.

[ardrareinvention]

The yearn for companionship:

I am a 1H Gemini (Ardra) Moon.

I am obsessed with self-improvement and building myself to reach the height of my potential. I love my own company. I think I’m hilarious. I think I’m worth putting effort into. I think I have a lot of great qualities. I’m not perfect, I have a ton of things to work on but I will not deny the things above.

However,

I am a 7H Sagittarius (Mula) Sun, 7HL Jupiter in Aries (Ashwini) 11H

I have 5H Libra (Vishakha) Venus

I learned recently that Anahita Rao considers Ardra and Vishakha romantic-oriented nakshatras as well as Shravana and Uttara Bhadrapada.

In D9, I am a 11H Shravana Moon and Uttara Bhadrapada rising.

"People w/their Moon these nakshatras are more willing to try and make a relationship work, even in the face of incompatibility."

And I can honestly say, it sucks.

As society moves toward an individualistic approach, it just seems like the odds are low of finding someone that has the time, space, depth, or energy to make things work. I will say incompatibility should be something to consider; and not necessarily staying too long to work through it, if it doesn’t really support the “opposites attract” theme. I’ve gotten hurt so many times for just trying. However, I was trying alone. Unrequited. Some of this has to do with childhood.

Anywho, it’s really difficult trying to hyper-focus on my individual being while the desire for companionship knocks on my door every day.

It’s exhausting. Some days it feels like I’m being tortured or laughed at to desire something so beautiful yet so… out of reach.

There’s something so fulfilling about withstanding the odds. I feel like for every positively charged situation there’s a negative one pushing against it. I believe relationships are eye-opening. Not to just yourself, but to the time it takes to really consider another. To learn the experiences of someone else on an almost daily basis, outside of yourself. In a sense, it can open up your humanity. It challenges everything you grew up on because everyone has a different background. Everyone has things to learn and unlearn.

—I talk to myself all the time, I hear my voice all the time. It’s nice to hear another one. Someone who loves me and makes time for me just as much as I do.

I love the give and take.

I love the entire thing.

It’s motivating.

It’s captivating.

Love is so irreplaceable.

Muse.

If only I could just grasp it.

But we all live different lives.

Is it unreasonable to want it to last forever with just one person?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

[strayheartless]

ADHD GENS HCS PLSS

Hmmmmm

Leg bouncing. So much leg bouncing. To the point where he rattles the table. Angeal has grabbed his knee many times to make him stop.

Extreme task avoidance. Like it’s ridiculous. He would dearly love to be on time with his reports, alas he will do anything but while berating himself the entire time.

He’s messy. GODDESS is he messy. And what’s worse is that he can’t concentrate in the mess. He’s in a perpetual cycle of not being able to function, which leads to irritation, which leads to lashing out, which leads to overwhelm. Eventually Genesis will simple haul up in bed and cry because everything’s stressing him out.

Genesis fiddles with his earring like it’s a stim toy. He also taps the spine of his copy of LOVELESS against his leg subconsciously.

Makes popping sounds with his lips when he’s thinking.

The ADHD rage is strong in this one. Zack slurps? “Can you NOT?!” Angeal interrupts him mid moogle deep dive? “Get the FUCK away from me before I incinerate you!” Sephiroth turns on the overhead light? He’s THIS close to decking the demon of Wuti.

Frequently forgets to call Angeal while on mission. He’ll be told “let me know when you arrive so i know your okay.” And then won’t. The amount of times Gen has gotten home only to get lectured at that Angeal thought he was dead, and clearly he was too arrogant -and pigheaded to consider his friends.

Speaking of which. Rejection sensitivity. This presents itself in two main ways. One: Gen can’t take criticism he didn’t ask for. If someone (like Sephiroth or Angeal for instance) points out a flaw in his technique or his plan, or sends him back a report with corrections after proof reading he immediately shuts down and won’t listen. It’s like someone’s stuffed his frontal lobe with cotton. Two: if you yell at him he goes quiet and will think about it for days. He obsesses over small perceived rejections a lot.

If he likes you he won’t shut up. Be honoured he doesn’t like a lot of people.

If the vibes are off for Gen then they’re not doing it. Angeal and Sephiroth have learned not to question it. It’s saved their skin far more than they care to admit.

Needs validation a lot.

Midnight cleaning is unfortunately the only time he gets things done.

Manic episodes where he can’t sit still and ends up crashing randomly.

Not as sensitive to sound as Zack is but certain things like white noise emitters and certain genres of music make him want to tear his ears off.

No temperature regulation. He’s either too hot or too cold, both in excess never a happy medium.

His parents used to call him Lazy all the time because he had the potential of a child prodigy. After inventing pasteurisation/ apple juice Genesis struggled to focus on anything until he hyper fixated on becoming a SOLDIER, and then on LOVELESS. He got all the way to finishing his Masters in Classic literature and then didn’t continue to his PHD because he lost the dopamine. His longest running dopamine spike has been Sephiroth… and we all know how that ended.

Let me know if you want something g more specific ❤️❤️❤️

[the-rainbow-lesbian]

I’ve quit makeup entirely but quitting shaving has been much more difficult for me. I’ve been trying for two years. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll go without shaving for about a week (which is much better than my every day shaving from a few years ago or even my every few days from about a year ago). I was wondering if you had any advice on making that leap to being a non-shaver?

:)

funny you should ask anon because I have the same problem. I have body dysmorphia because my mom was so hyper-fixated on my looks and it made me incredibly self-conscious, I went from having an eating disorder and not wanting anyone to see me without makeup to slowly not giving a shit and focusing more and comfort, but I am still not totally comfortable with how I look and I worry about people looking/staring at me I already have anxiety about that in general, I gave up makeup because it was a sensory nightmare and ever since I started having fatigue problems I had to manage my energy, either apply makeup or go out, it was an easy decision. there was one time I was comfortable leaving the house with my very hairy legs and it’s because I went out with my two lesbian friends who also didn’t shave. so my advice is embrace body neutrality, you don’t need to focus on whether you look good or not because it doesn’t matter, you don’t exist to look good, see if you have friends who don’t shave and spend time with them till the idea becomes more “normal” to you, or maybe even encourage your friends who shave not to but don’t use big scary words use ones that are more approachable or just to make them think, and finally start slow, my journey with my appearance has taken years and I am not there yet, slow consistent progress is better than putting too much pressure on yourself and getting frustrated.

[greetings-inferiors]

how do you find good male representation that like isn't feeding into toxic masculinity?

Dumb luck mainly. Obviously if you find something that has good male representation then the things associated with that will also have good male representation, but finding that starting thing is genuinely just luck. Apart from recommendations (I will oblige)

Gravity falls is great and dipper has an entire episode about manliness and how even though he’s a nerd, a wimp, and REALLY likes the equivalent of abba, that doesn’t make him any less of a boy, or any less of a man.

Jojo’s bizzare adventure is honestly really good for positive masculinity. Hirohiko Araki has said how his goal is to portray “beautiful men” and it really shows. Sure the first three parts the “beautiful men” are all hyper buff and “manly”, but later on they show their more “effeminate” side, like josuke with fashion, or giorno with… I mean look at him, but that doesn’t make them any less of men, and they’re beautiful.

Now that’s kind of all I can think of where it’s a focus. There’s things like kingdom hearts where Sora isn’t stereotypically manly, his whole character is being bright and optimistic and kind, and he’s still strong and a man, and you also have Riku who’s more stoic and not as kind to begin with, but learns to warm up. There’s even a lovely scene at the end of kh2 where they bond and it’s honestly really heartwarming. Do I think they focus too much on Sora “saving the girl”? Yes, but kingdom hearts is second to none when it comes to portrayals of platonic relationships. His friends are his power.

To summarise, I think that “good male representation” is just showing that men can be good and kind and smart, but not emphasising it. They’re not good and kind and smart because they’re men, just as the women aren’t good and kind and smart because they’re women. Hell, maybe they’re not good or kind or smart at all, because that’s how humans are. At the end of the day, being a man or being a woman doesn’t define who you are because we are all human, and I think that’s what I needed the most growing up. I believed that women were a completely different type of person that were kind, intelligent, gentle, graceful, and that men were cruel, idiotic, rough, and violent, and yes it was stupid. Are men and women different? Yes of course they are, just as me and you are different because we share a different name (I assume). Just because we have a trait doesn’t mean we are fundamentally different, me as a man and me as a woman are practically the same person.

Anyway that was a lot of words. The best male representation is showing men and women as human beings.

[idontknowreallywhy]

Best Jupidad Moments #7 Nevermoor Ch 10 - Everyday Highs and Weak-Moment Lows

This chapter contains one of my favourite but underrated Jupidad moments and also the one where I think for the first time he properly gets it wrong and the fandom gasps in dismay…

(NB Altho this chapter also contains some excellent Jove one-liners, I’ll restrict myself to the parenting angle for this post and save the general Jupiter North fangirling for another day ;-) )

Kedgeree had fetched Jupiter and Morrigan from the Smoking Parlour, where they sat in a cloud of forest-green vapour (rosemary smoke: for sharpening the mind), playing a game of cards. Neither was certain of the rules, but Frank whispered advice in Morrigan’s ear, and Dame Chanda did the same for Jupiter, and every now and then someone would yell ‘Huzzah!’ and the others would scowl or throw something, and all things considered Morrigan thought it was a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. They both felt a bit put out when Kedgeree insisted they hurry to the foyer.

Although the dramatic moments are important, so much of the Jupiter-Mog relationship would have been built in the little everyday moments which wouldn’t normally make it into a novel. It’s awesome that Jess shoehorns this section in at this point because, although it doesn’t seem to add much to the ongoing plot, it gives so much more depth to the interactions between these 4 people who live together than such a short paragraph should. I’m so glad it survived the edit and would love to see more of these moments in future.

What’s special about it from a Jupidad angle?

First - they are equal parties here - this isn’t Jove in teaching mode, he’s as clueless about the card game as Morrigan and they are just having some nonsensical fun.

Second - remember that Nevermoor is written entirely from Morrigan’s POV - so how do we know they BOTH felt a bit put out unless he told her? I just love the fact that he’s either said or has otherwise made it clear from his expression or body language that he’s annoyed to be pulled away from that time they were having together. 

Hopefully to most children, the knowledge that their parents enjoy their presence wouldn’t be a surprise but to Morrigan who has been constantly told she is a burden by her parents and grow up accepting the fact that *everyone* avoids being around her… it’s a big deal.

I wonder if that is why this section is here? The biggest threat to her safety both physical (because she might literally be killed if deported) and mental (because her anxiety about it lurks in her mind disrupting her peace for the following 8 months or so) since she arrived in Nevermoor is about to intrude on her day. When a person looks back on life-changing moments like that, I think it’s quite common that they might hyper-focus on the ordinary moments that immediately precede the bombshell.

‘What’s the Stink doing here?�� Jupiter murmured to Kedgeree, who shrugged as he scooted off behind the concierge desk. ‘Who’s the Stink?’ whispered Morrigan. ‘Ooh – ah, I meant the Nevermoor City Police Force,’ Jupiter said under his breath. ‘We, er – probably shouldn’t call it the Stink. Not to his face. Actually, just let me do the talking.’

Another favourite moment because every parent has done this where they say or do something mildly inappropriate and then realise kiddo is paying rapt attention and they remember EVERYTHING… especially what you don’t want them to. That “Ooh - ah” is so familiar it cracks me up every time.

It happens again when Morrigan repeats his joke from a few weeks prior to the officer…

And where exactly are you from, Morrigan Crow?’ 

‘Nunya,’ replied Morrigan.

Jupiter tried to turn his snort of laughter into a cough. ‘She meant to say she’s from the Seventh Pocket of the Free State, Inspector. She just … pronounces it funny.’ 

The other thing to note about Jupiter’s conversation with Flintlock is that he is very polite, cool, “serene” when he is personally threatened with trouble and manages to remain calm and quiet even while pointing out the officer’s appalling lack of compassion. However, the icy voice appears as soon as Morrigan is insulted:

‘But I think you might find this scummy illegal of yours is more trouble than she’s worth.’ Jupiter looked him dead in the eye. ‘Don’t call her that.’

A chill crept up Morrigan’s spine. She recognised the cold wrath in Jupiter’s voice, the ice in his hard blue eyes. Flintlock, however, wasn’t so quick to catch on.

The staff of the Deucalion then intervene (hilariously) so we don’t know how things would have gone, but he takes the opportunity to pause and then come back with a well considered answer.

Jupiter was silent for some time, while Flintlock shot nervous looks in the Magnificat’s direction. When Jupiter finally spoke, it was in a quiet, measured voice. ‘You have no right to demand the papers of someone who falls under the jurisdiction of the Wundrous Society, Flintlock.’

But then he messes up big time, as we all do sometimes when really stressed or knocked off kilter…

Morrigan turned to Jupiter, who looked as tense as she’d ever seen him. ‘Can they really kick me out?’ she asked, a lump forming in her throat. She thought of the Hunt of Smoke and Shadow, of its black shapeless form looming in the darkness. The back of her neck felt prickly and cold. ‘What happens if I have to leave Nevermoor?’ ‘Don’t be silly, Mog,’ Jupiter said bracingly. ‘That’s never going to happen.’

He left the foyer without looking at her.

Argh, argh, argh. First, he calls her very-valid-and-legitimate concern “silly”… and then he leaves without looking at her - that last line is devastating. And it gets its own paragraph just to underline it.

This was a moment where she needed, if not detailed answers, then compassion, understanding, some of that Jupidad eye contact… she needed to know SHE wasn’t the problem and that even if he can’t tell her exactly what it is yet, he has a plan that will mean the threat won’t materialise and that she can trust him.

If this had gone differently, how would it have changed the rest of the book? Would her Fright Trial have been the same, Would she have made the decision she did on Christmas evening? Would Mr Jones have got under her skin and messed with her trust in Jupiter quite as much?

One of the things I find most anxiety-inducing about being a parent is that you can get things right 99% of the time and then say something stupid in a moment of weakness and… ugh what if they remember that more than the rest? What if that damages your relationship forever? What if after all that effort to try to do things right you still mess your kid up anyway? Personally I just apologise a lot and try to make sure that are so many more times she can remember feeling loved and trusted etc that the slip ups get crowded out. Thankfully, kids are usually better at being cool with the fact people make mistakes all the time and they get over it faster than us more introspective angst-ridden adults do.

It’s encouraging that our Jupidad doesn’t get it right all the time. If even fictional super-parents can get it wrong and bounce back, so can I. And it’s obviously way more interesting to read - even brilliant humans are human -and one of the great things about Jessica’s characters is that she shows over and over that they are really human, you feel like you know them, and that’s what makes this series so utterly compelling.

[rjthirsty]

Based off the otome game Ikemen Prince, I've created an AU where the princes are (mostly) female, and MC is male. Several character names have been changed to suit their new gender (notes will be provided), and lore has been altered to work with the new setting and my accompanying headcanons. Tags: Angst and Fluff, Violence, Sexual Themes You can find the masterlist for this series here. You can also find the full fanfic on my ao3, along with a full list of tags. The entire fic is roughly 100,000 words through 30 chapters, making it 3.5k words per chapter on average (8-10 pages in a standard novel).

Chapter 11 - What the Beast Protects (IkePri AU)

A/N: This chapter is written from Leanne's PoV. It will contain events that have already taken place along with insight into her thoughts.

Emmit had gotten caught up in some trouble at some duke’s social function, but I had gotten there in time to help get him out of the situation. Our escape had been a little wild, but we’d made it out of the place in one piece, so I considered it a success. Surprisingly, the guards were the same that had tried to rob us a week ago, and they recognized me, so we were going to have to see what comes of that.

Hopefully that doesn’t cause a strain with the duke and Chev.

It was far from the most pressing thing on my mind at the moment, but it was something I tucked away to remember to watch for in the coming days. I made my way back to Emmit who was leaning against a wall in the alley we had ducked into. The way the moonlight shone down on him made him look like the whole world was watching him the same way I was. He didn’t seem to notice me returning, his eyes were closed and his hand was on his chest.

“It looks like we’re in the clear.” He looked at me, his hand retreating from where it had been pressed against himself. “How was that for a daring escape, huh?” I couldn’t help the grin. I found it so easy to smile around him. The way he stared at me in silence only made my grin grow.

You’re still working through it. You made the same face the last great escape we had done together.

Suddenly he burst into laughter.

That’s a nice sound.

I liked his laugh. I liked the bewildered looks he gave me. He was so expressive and I liked watching him react. But most of all, I think I liked his smile best. His eyes sparkled when he smiled, and I wanted to protect that smile. I felt a longing pang in my chest, my thoughts moved from Emmit to the dull ache.

“I didn’t think you’d go through with that jump! You’re so amazing!”

Emmit looked at me with his eyes alight with moonlight and emotion so bright they could have been the stars in the sky. The quiet yet persistent ache in my heart twinged a little sharper, honing in on something unnamed that I hadn’t dared to look at too closely. I glanced away and ran my fingers through my hair, bringing my hand between us to try to hide from the adoration in his gaze.

“Not bad, huh?” I tried to focus on something else, eyes wandering through the alley to find anything worth inspecting just to keep from examining the look he had just given me, or the way it made me feel.

I heard Emmit move away from the wall. His weight shifting was given away by the scuff of his boots on the stone, the fabric of his clothes whispered in the silence. I was hyper aware of him in this moment and I could feel him moving closer. I didn’t need to hear the step he took, he was so sincere and genuine and overflowing with emotion that I could feel his presence more than anything else right now.

“Not bad at all. But… are you okay? You didn’t hurt yourself?”

Cute.

I smiled at his concern. “Yeah, I’m fine. It was nothing, really.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘it was nothing’. I think it was so heroic and wonderful, honestly. But wait– why were you even there? Somehow I don't think that’s the sort of event you’d attend.”

“Naw, I was just there for you.” I shrugged to show it wasn’t a big deal, and shoved my hands in my pockets.

I was suddenly thankful I wasn’t looking his way, every time I withheld something from him, I felt like he’d see right through me. Like there was no point in keeping my thoughts from him, and right now I wanted to keep them to myself.

I didn’t want to tell him that I had jumped at the opportunity to check on him. I didn’t want to tell him that I worry about him when he’s not within my sight. I didn’t want to tell him that I was constantly thinking about him. And I certainly didn’t want to tell him that I was a little jealous of the relationship he and Rina seemed to have.

I wanted to be close to Emmit in the same way she was. I felt that pull every time we were together, and I felt it in this moment. Tentatively, I allowed it to move me, bringing me nearer to him with every slow step.

“What do you mean ‘for me’?”

“Hmm?” I had almost forgotten what we were talking about, but Rina came to mind again. “Oh. Rina saw you leaving the palace, and I don’t know how she figured out where you had headed, but she came rushing to see me, all flustered.”

My feet came to a stop in front of Emmit, and finally I brought my eyes back to his. His clear gaze was searching mine, waiting to hear the rest of the reason.

“She said she figured I could get into an event like that even without an invitation, the perks of royalty.” And she was right. While it wasn’t the most appropriate use of my status, coming to check on him was the easiest decision I had ever made. “She wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

You’re more cared for than you know.

I wasn’t entirely sure what the relationship between Rina and Emmit was, Emmit seemed to treat her like family, but Rina dedicated herself to him like a lover would. Any time I had asked her, she made it seem like they were a couple, but it looked like it was one-sided - a feeling I could currently relate to.

“I’m really sorry…” Emmit dimmed in the darkness, his eyes grew cloudy and he dipped his head.

I reached for him without even thinking about it. Hooking a finger under his chin, I lifted his eyes to come back up to meet mine. “Hey, no apologies, okay? Remember what I said? If something happens, call for me. I know you didn’t call, but… I came anyway. I wanted to.”

Something trembled in his eyes at my words, something messy and vulnerable.

Why is it when I say that, you look at me like this?

Earlier in the day, when I told him to call on me for any reason, Emmit’s eyes had wavered in the same way. I could have let it go, I could have let him keep those hidden thoughts to himself, but I didn’t want to this time. I wanted to be there for him.

“Hey, Emmit? Why do you look so sad?”

Let me help.

“I was– um… I was just thinking about how much you remind me of a hero in a book, and I guess… I was feeling a bit pathetic in comparison.” His lips pressed into a chagrined smile and he turned his head, turning away from me.

Hang on.

I could see how hard he was trying to hold onto that smile, and I could smile back and let him have this one, but I hated the way it looked on him. It looked wrong and painful, and I didn’t want him covering up his feelings in front of me. I brushed my finger along his jaw and gently clutched his chin to pull his face back to mine.

“Hey. Don’t smile like that. It’s not like you at all. You don’t have to put on a brave front, you know.”

You don’t have to hide.

“If you’re struggling, it’s okay to show me. I’m not going to think less of you for it.”

I want you to lean on me.

“So don’t force yourself to smile.”

You look so much better when you’re genuine. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter, you’re more you like that.

The smile was gone, and Emmit fought a frown. “I just feel so stupid, Leanne. Do you know what nearly happened tonight? I was so determined to get to know Chevalier’s faction, and to answer Nokto’s challenge, that I didn’t think anything through and left without telling anyone. I only barely considered how out-of-place I’d look at a gathering of nobles, and walked in without an exit plan. And it almost meant I wasn’t leaving on my own terms. If you… Seven Hells, I wasn’t even a person to them.”

Emmit…

I could see the flood of emotions in those honest eyes of his. I could feel the cloud around him growing. He made a mistake and he was beating himself up for it. But he didn’t know what this world was like, where money and status stripped sympathy and empathy away from people. Not everyone was enthralled with the temptation of power and prestige, but Emmit didn’t know that some– that many were. How could he? And tonight he came face to face with that, and I could see how much it affected him.

And that’s why I want to protect you and take care of you.

He tried to turn away again, but I reached out before he could, cupping his cheek and gently forcing him to look me in the eye. His hand came up and grabbed on my wrist, he was going to try to pull free.

“Leanne– don’t–” I didn’t let him finish his protest.

“No, Emmit.” I said sharper than I had intended. “No running, no hiding, no looking away.”

And with that he stopped fighting. He stared at me, and I stared at him. The things I wanted to say seemed almost too serious and I swallowed them down, letting the thoughts roll around in my mind for a better way to convey them. The way I felt was so intense that it was almost all-consuming.

This wasn’t like me.

A fire had ignited in me and I wasn’t sure if I was mad, or hurt, or sad, or overflowing with care, or concern, or what was even going on. I just knew that he was the center of it all.

“Listen, Emmit…” I waited him out, waited to see if he was paying attention now that I had forced him to give it to me.

I’m going to feel bad about that in a minute.

“Stop beating yourself up about what happened tonight.”

You didn’t do anything wrong.

“You were just trying your best.”

You didn’t know what was waiting for you, and you went after Nokto anyways.

“I’m proud of you for always being so brave.”

You have no idea how much courage you have just to keep moving forward. And you always move forward.

“I even want to praise Past You for the bravery that got you chosen as Belle in the first place.”

The more I get to know you, the more I realize how special you are.

“You’re much more than you give yourself credit for, Emmit.”

And if you can’t see that–

“Wait– Leanne–” Emmit’s voice came out strained and a little panicked.

“When you forget that, I’ll be here. Right here.”

I want to protect you. I want to support you. I want you to see the you I see.

“Reminding you.”

He froze in my hands, but I stared resolutely. I put myself out there. I gave him my hand. It was now up to him to take it or pull away. Either choice he made, I would accept it. I had accepted my isolated future a long time ago, so long I could often pretend that I didn’t remember.

But maybe…

If he took my hand now, maybe it didn’t need to be so lonely.

Emmit slowly began to move, peeling my hand from his chin first, and I let him. He covered my other hand on his cheek, holding it against him for a moment before he also pulled it away from him. My heart was racing. I didn’t know if he was running again or if he was going to bridge the gap between us.

I could kill this feeling if I needed to. I could smother it like I’d tamped down on so many other feelings in my life, burying it so it could never see the light of day. I could cover it–

Emmit’s fingers twined with mine.

Everything I had been planning in case of the worst outcome disappeared as if it were nothing but smoke and mirrors in the first place.

My mind went blank as I reveled in the feeling in my fingers, the way his warmth was pouring into me where our hands met. He rustled against my coat and then I felt his fingers slip around my waist. Then his hand. Then his arm. And then he was coming closer, wrapping me up in an embrace and hugging me against his chest. Our foreheads touched, and I felt heat at every point we were connected.

A weight slipped free from my shoulders. I had never felt so secure with someone this close. I had rarely let anyone get this close. I had never needed anyone this close. But I felt a need with Emmit. It felt like I had been missing him for my entire life. Like he fit perfectly with me.

What are you doing, Leanne…?

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

first post

I’m in a really bad way right now. Suicidal even. I’m not going to kill myself. But the thought of how it would end this fucking cycle has crossed my mind more than a few times in the past few days. It’s a good thing that I’m too scared to die. I thought about cutting myself. Then I thought about why I would be doing it and I usually hear people say it’s to “feel something,” but to me, it’s to punish myself. Punish myself for being ungrateful. Punish myself for not being patient with my dogs when I was the one who chose to get them. Punish myself for being frustrated with my job that I didn’t get a thank you. Punish myself for not putting myself out there and then feeling lonely because I don’t have a partner. Punish myself for not taking care of my body when I have every tool and opportunity to do so. Punish myself for being stubborn. Punish myself for not finishing what I start. Punishing myself for saying no to three separate invitations for Christmas Eve and Christmas, but saying no to all of them. I could keep going. So, I will. Here are other things that make me feel like shit and like I need a punch to the dome: I make a good amount of money, but I’m always broke, so I never have money. I play both sides of the fence. Not on purpose but doesn’t that make it worse? I talk about being nice and then am so mean in my head. I talk so much shit. I talk so much. I do NOT give my dogs the attention that they deserve. I never walk them. I take up new hobbies, make them my entire personality, then abandon them. I’m not finishing dog training school. I have several good friends, but never reach out to them to make plans, but they still include me. I’m insanely jealous and insecure about everything. I’m sitting here in my own home, typing on my own computer, sitting on my own couch, with my three dogs, and a car outside, and I’m still selfishly depressed. I should feel lucky. But I don’t. I’m constantly feeling bad for myself and constantly looking for the attention that I absolutely did not get as a child. Wonder when that will go away. I can’t focus on anything, ever. I don’t even know if the Ritalin I’m taking is working or making it worse or nothing at all. I won’t stop taking it, because it keeps me skinny enough to where I can actually like myself sometimes. Looking at my social media, you’d think that I am this honest, laid back, smart, confident woman, which I am not. Social media is such a fraud. Yet, living alone, it’s the only way that I feel like I can feel like I’m not completely alone in the world. But subconsciously, I know it’s making it worse. I always have my eyes on some sort of screen. God forbid an actual thought creeps through. I order takeout all the time. I have barely any money but I’d probably order it tonight and tomorrow if it wasn’t Christmas Eve. 

People say to reach out when you’re struggling, but I already hate myself. The thought of reaching out to a friend while they’re all enjoying the holidays with their friends & families, to ask them to stop and pay attention to me feels….. like it will definitely make me hate myself even more. I haven’t had human interaction in about 4 days. This is my own fault as well. I’m lonely, but I isolate myself. I have plenty of opportunities to go out and be with people, but then I would have to perform and keep my mask up and I’m already so exhausted. I’ve been hyper-focused on how performative my entire life has been up to this point. I think most people call it “being present,” but I never liked that phrase. It sounds like an action that I can take to fix everything and I never quite understood it. It felt like homework. When I think of not being performative or even try it for a few seconds in public, it feels freeing. Too freeing. Like if I let it go on for another second or two, I’d get taken away in a padded truck to the looney bin. I am so afraid of letting anyone see the real me. I’d go so far as to say that no one has ever seen it. I’m sure that’s what’s holding me back from having any sort of meaningful relationship.

All I want is my person. I want my partner and best friend. Not some dude from a dating app that sort of works. I want it to be fairytale rom-com love. I want a meet-cute. I want to have that partner that takes candid photos of me and tells me how beautiful I look when I truly think I look hideous. I want that partner that I don’t have to perform for and they love me because of that. It feels like so many people around me have found that and I haven’t. They all tell me that I need to put myself out there more, but most of them didn’t find their significant others by puTtinG ThEmSelVes oUt ThEre, so they can fuck right off. Most of them met through friends or in high school or some other happenstance. Not because they went to a cookout looking to meet their future spouse.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being a writer lately. I read some quote from someone recently saying that they became a writer when they were 38. Which is my age. Then I’ve had a few people tell me that I should be a writer based off of social media posts, which is arguably the best compliment that I could get. The thing is… I don’t know where to start. I don’t think I’d want to share this piece that I’m writing right now. Maybe anonymously, but certainly not with my own name. Too many people would worry about me. Maybe a pen name? Or an anonymous blog? But then how do I get it out there so people can see it? In my fantasies, I’m a column writer or a freelance writer that is known for my raw and relatable emotion that comes through in my writing. It helps people. It makes people realize that they’re not alone. Eventually, I am known by my own name and I write a book or a memoir. Or I write pieces for the New York Times or Time Magazine. Or Rolling Stone. Pieces about emotional topics. But I don’t know if I can even write well when I’m not in an overly-emotional state. What would I do, only write very specific articles based on my moods? Maybe I’ll publish this anonymously and people can tell me what they think. 

I thought about entering writing contests and looked some up. But I’ve never had any formal training, so I feel like an imposter. BIG SHOCKER. I did see some of those monetary prizes, though, and that made it a bit more appealing. Is this a real dream or just another one of my ADHD fixations? What if I’m actually terrible and I’m one of those people who has no self-awareness and then I’ll be absolutely mortified. I worry about these things. I’m a worrier. I always have been and probably always will be. I’ve been trying my entire life to be the cool, laid back, doesn’t need to talk all the time, chick, but I’ll be honest - I’m old and it hasn’t worked for more than a few minutes at a time. I know I should EmBraCe iT but that’s one of those things that is much easier said than done. 

I’ve always been “too much.” I talk too much. I’m an intense person. I talk loudly. I don’t have much of a filter, (and not in that cool edgy way but more like in that throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks type of way). My brain: have a joke? SAY IT. NOW. TO EVERYONE.” Most of them don’t land, but the few that do are pure endorphin bombs. I don’t really know what that means about me, but I know that when I can make someone laugh at something - like, genuinely laugh.. not a quick giggle - I am over the moon. I will tell that joke over and over and over to get that reaction. It’s gotta be comparable to what heroin feels like. 

I’ve always heard that comedians are the most depressed people and that makes sense for me. I’m funny. I know I’m funny. It’s the only thing that I like about myself most days. A lot of people use humor to deflect in situations where they’re uncomfortable, but I think the difference with comedians is that we use it in every situation. It just gets stronger the more uncomfortable the situation. I mean, I didn’t even absorb that fact that I have a lifelong degenerative disease for TEN FULL YEARS because my brain told me to joke about it the minute I got diagnosed. So I did. Ask anyone who’s been around me for more than a few minutes - I like to joke. I like to laugh and make people laugh. How ironic, that on the inside, I want to die most days. How ironic that people would be the least worried about someone like me because “she’s always laughing,” when in reality, most nights, I am by myself in my bed, eating something that I feel guilty about and wondering why I’m forever alone. I’ll be the loudest and most obnoxious one at the party, but as soon as I get in my car alone, it goes down the tubes and the other side emerges. It has great timing like that - only coming out when no one else is around to see it. This big black cloud that’s always a few feet behind me, but sometimes catches up and latches on for a few days or weeks. Depression. Another disease that I have. Most people do, but I think for most people, it’s situational. I’m the super lucky type that has it always and forever and extremely intensely. When it does catch up to me, like it did a few days ago, I become an isolated, unbathed, starved, angry, crying, pathetic shell of a human. And that’s what I’m teetering on the edge of currently. 

I’m hoping that going to the shelter tomorrow, (on Christmas Day), will help me pull myself out of this hole. My guess is that either I’ll cancel last-second or I’ll go and feel a little bit better for a day or maybe two, and then fall back into it again. The loneliness. It’s crushing me.

[approachingacceptance]

December 3rd 2023

‘Breathe. Just focus on breathing. In and out, over and over again.’

It feels as though I’ve spent most of my time here attempting to quiet my anxious thoughts and find a sense of stability. So many days I’m trapped in my own mind, completely overwhelmed by the life I fought so hard to experience. Last night I was asked if I would have moved to Amsterdam had you survived, and though I answered no, in truth I haven’t the slightest clue.

I think coming to that conclusion without feeling my stomach drop is kind of the point of this year. I don’t know what will happen a few months from now, let alone at the end of this year, and admitting to that still produces so much anxiety I’m sometimes close to tears, but that’s not how I want to be. I want to live for me.

Your tombstone reads, “we live to love you more each day.” That’s the case for me. In fact some days it feels like the only thing I’m sure of. But I don’t have the stamina to incessantly criticize every decision I make—no matter how small—from your hypothetical point of view. It’s exhausting.

I know that it’s unfair of me to hyper-fixate on my life’s choices based on what I think you would say. I know because that line of thinking doesn’t take into consideration that had you survived—had we lived through the past six years together, you would have also grown and changed.

Had we lived through the past six years together, I would not be faced with the choices I’ve had to make in your absence.

Had we lived through the past six years together, my brain would not have been chemically altered by the trauma of losing you.

I want so badly to believe what they say. “She would want you to be happy.” But who’s version? If I had realized sooner that the future we discussed at the kitchen table—the ones I clung to throughout my entire adolescence—wasn't really my own, maybe it would be easier to believe what they say. If you knew me today—not as I once was—maybe then I could I believe what they say. But you don’t know me now, and you won’t. I didn’t intend for this to feel so bleak, but it’s the truth—and lord knows truthfulness is unavoidable in the business of grief.

Perhaps my purpose this year lies in not only healing from past traumas and determining the next steps in life, but also freeing myself of the notion that you are more often than not disappointed in who I have become. I know I’m not, and I’d like to start believing you aren’t either.