#and deal with this because i swear to fucking god
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pls pls pls stop pretending like anything caitlyn did was out of character. i swear some people want their characters to be moral paragons or they can’t handle enjoying them. no one in arcane is a “good person” in the classical view of what makes someone “good” (except maybe ekko). but they’re all well written. does jinx being a murderer terrorist stop me from deeply enjoying her character? no, because she’s an exceptionally flawed character making really really bad decisions. a characters flaws are what makes them enjoyable, without them we’d be looking at the flattest characters known to man. and in full truth, what caitlyn did DID off-put me from her character. i still feel a bit uneasy about her right now, which is truly a feat given that i fucking named myself after her. but my unease is not a sign that she was written poorly or out of character. it’s just a sign that it’s hard to watch characters you love dealing with their emotions in the quite literal most destructive way and deeply hurting everyone around them. but if this action turns you away from her *forever* and you won’t even entertain her character arc (which she’s so redemption coded but that’s another topic), then literally what are you watching this show for. because by that logic you should like literally no one (except again, maybe ekko). Jayce killed a kid. Vi hit her sister in anger and caused her descent into Jinx. Jinx is a murderer terrorist. Viktor’s blindness to caution got an innocent person killed. like this show is all ABOUT these people doing bad things because they can’t handle their emotions for shit. god forbid a woman be a morally complicated character
#arcane spoilers#caitlyn kiramman#caitlyn#caitvi#not justifying#jinx#viktor#jayce talis#jayce#ekko can do no wrong#and has done none#but stop pretending like caits writing is out of character bc it��s really not#pls get media literacy i beg you#arcane#rant post
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For real, the bar for men in general after dealing with this election has gotten even more extremely low....like toilet bowl low.
I know that there are still decent and good men out there. But God, I swear it's looks like the dating pool /game has gotten even more difficult and abysmal as a hetero woman.
I still haven't officially started dating yet, but man it's looks so damned rough out there.
Especially as a black woman, too. Because whither you date within your own race or interracial date, you gotta watch out for both Black men and White men who voted for this bastard. Or even other men of color that supported Trump and likely voted for him, too.
I'll never fully trust Leftist White men because they are also likely to be full of shit and probably didn't vote in the first place, or they've could have voted for Jill stein as a stupid protest vote or there parent's/family is likely Republican and supports Trump.
So yeah... it's truly a gamble out there, sadly.
Shit like this is why I have super high standards for men and refuse to change them. Because FUCK settling for Less.
not to be like “but think of the hets!” but i seriously feel for bad heterosexual women. the majority of their dating pool does not respect them, and a not insignificant amount of men are actually dangerous. you shouldn’t have to play russian roulette to find sexual/romantic gratification. wishing all of you luck, whether it’s in finding one of the few decent men or finding fulfillment in female friendship and a really good vibrator.
#misogyny#dating#relationships#straight men#sexism#the only chance of having romance or sex being with your oppressor class#is just....very bleak#men#Might as well invest in some really good and quality female sex toys and vibrators.
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inspired by this post by @monstream theorizing that tommy will pop back up in a couple months and reveal he dipped out like his ass was on fire because he got a cancer diagnosis. (be advised: this is not about real cancer. this is tv cancer.) 1300 words.
a chance encounter
Bobby still has a blood donation appointment at First Presbyterian every two months, which he attends religiously, barring exemptions like the six months he had to skip after the heart attack. Years ago, when it started, Chimney arranged a rotation for rides, and as their team went through staffing changes, it settled to a more informal thing, whichever of them would be available verbally stepping up each time. Athena would have been the logical choice with one of the 118 as backup, but this is theirs. Buck likes it because usually he and Bobby stop for a meal and catch up, just the two of them.
On their way to the elevators, they hear applause in the next wing over, and Bobby gives Buck a little smile before they join the gathering at the back of the small crowd. He loves a bell ceremony.
A teen girl in a green hoodie that reaches her knees is blushing and stumbling over her words, flustered by the attention. "Anyway," she says, "I'm not gonna be sick at prom and I'm so effing excited." She rings the bell and pumps a fist in the air before hugging one of the nurses.
"All right," says a blonde woman holding a clipboard. "We have three more patients who completed treatment! I know, right? It's been a good week."
Buck looks down at the coffee he grabbed from the on-site cafe while Bobby was getting drained, which tastes different somehow but he can't put his finger on it. Soy milk, maybe? A sharp nudge forces him to look up into Bobby's suddenly tense expression.
"Well. So... yeah. These last few months have sucked."
Buck swings his head around and Bobby grabs the coffee out of his hand. There, acknowledging a round of polite laughter, is Tommy, dressed in a henley and flannel shirt, all in shades of blue. Buck always liked him in blue. He looks slimmer, more like the version of himself from Chim and Hen's old team photos. He's wearing a Raiders hat.
"I knew, as a firefighter who flew helicopters, that I probably didn't have the highest life expectancy. But this diagnosis still threw me for a loop."
Buck should not be here. He should not be here. But he can't convince his feet to move.
"I did some dumb things, isolated myself, assumed the worst. It was the staff here who kept--gently--smacking me upside the head, reminding me that there was still hope." Tommy ducks his head and when he looks up eyes are bright. "Thank God for them."
Buck feels like he is stuck in a column of rapidly curing cement. It started down at his feet and now his lungs won't inflate.
"Buck," Bobby hisses, tugging at his sleeve.
"Bug your city council rep to increase compensation for healthcare workers because there's no way they get paid enough to deal with my bullshit." A cluster of small children at the front of the group starts howling at the swear, and he grins, unrepentant. Buck might be drowning. "Thank you, everyone. Fuck cancer." He rings the bell and steps back quickly for the next patient, accepting good-natured pummeling from several members of the staff as everyone applauds.
The smile that settled on Tommy's face vanishes as their eyes meet. The column of cement also vanishes. Breathing hard, his pulse hammering in his ears, Buck follows Bobby down the hall to the elevators.
"Buck?"
It still sounds so wrong coming from him. Buck flinches and looks at the slowly progressing display of which floor the elevator is on. Stairs it is. "I'll meet you down there," he says to Bobby, and doesn't wait for a response.
Buck plows through the door to the stairwell, moving as quickly as possible.
"Wait! Please? I can follow for a little bit, but fourteen flights of stairs is beyond me at the moment."
Buck slows his progress down, stopping at the next landing.
"What-" Tommy takes the stairs slowly, one by one. "What are you doing here? How did you find out?"
Buck glances up. "I didn't. We just happened to be in the neighborhood. This place is our home away from home, you know?"
"Oh," Tommy says, then has the nerve to look concerned. "Is everyone okay?"
"I'm not fucking okay. Did you know you were sick?"
"When?" he temporizes. "I mean, they did tell me at one point."
"You know when," Buck says, seething, his vision growing redder when Tommy doesn't answer. "I asked you to move in with me." I was all in. You didn't have to do this alone.
Tommy finishes the last few steps and joins him on the landing. "You asked your gym rat firefighter boyfriend to move in with you. Not an unemployed puke machine with a thirty-nine percent chance of kicking it in the next five years."
"Oh my God." Buck laughs, wanting to scream at the wall. "So I'm not a newborn bisexual who couldn't possibly know what I want, I'm just a piece of shit who would drop a partner for getting sick. Or maybe I'm both."
"No, I-"
"If you say 'it wasn't you, it was me' I'm gonna start taking these steps three at a time."
"It was-" Up close, Tommy looks tired. There are lines in his face that weren't there before. "Significantly more about me and my trust issues than it was about you. Is that different enough for you to stick around?"
"You gave me trust issues, Tommy. Not just in you, or other people I might date, but in myself."
Tommy's expression is gutted. "I'm sorry. I was trying to avoid more pain in the future, for both of us."
Sparing a thought for Bobby, who hopefully settled in the lobby to wait, Buck sits on the landing, wedging himself against the wall to take up less space. "I loved you."
"I believe you." Tommy sat down next to him, almost touching because of the width of the staircase. "I shouldn't have dismissed your feelings. You're a grown man and all I can say in my defense is that I become the fucking unabomber when I get scared. Ask Howie and Hen about my years as a closet case working under a captain who got a medal for outstanding work in homophobia."
It would be so easy to pull Tommy into his arms. Just reach out.
"Buck?"
Buck swipes at his eyes with the heel of his hand. "Please don't call me that."
"I'm sorry. I honestly felt I gave up the right to set myself apart in that way." Tommy swallows. "Evan."
Buck blinks away a fresh round of tears. "Are you okay, really?"
Tommy gestures at himself. "As you can see, I'm not going out tomorrow and running a marathon, but next week I get to start training to go back to work." He shrugs a little, smiling. "So I'm pretty damn peachy."
"What about the thirty-nine percent?"
Tommy whistles while pointing down. "It's pretty much back to whatever my prognosis was for running into fires and flying around in a tin can."
"That's- That's great." Buck's phone rings.
"Hey, I don't mean to interrupt anything," Bobby says. "I just didn't want to leave without saying something. I'll get an Uber, okay?"
"No. No, we're good. I'll see you in five." Buck meets Tommy's steady gaze. "Next week, huh? Do you wanna go for a run at that park near my place? I promise to take it easy on you. Or, not easy, whichever you need."
Tommy visibly stops himself from declining. "Okay. Text me." He rises from the steps and starts for the exit door as Buck begins his way down. "Evan?"
Buck turns. "Yeah?"
"I loved you, too."
Breathing out, Buck rolls his shoulders back. "I figured. See you next week."
#911 abc#bucktommy#bucktommy fic#my writing#things by beanarie#not crossposting to ao3 yet bc i might have another chapter in me
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Soul’s Desire [Ch. 33]
- Masterlist -
~~~~|~~~~
“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head when you fell?”
“We can go back to the hospital if you need to”
“I swear to God I’ll get Eunji fired, she went too fucking far”
“Want some more food?”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“You sure you’re not concussed?”
“Security stopped me from going onstage when I saw you fall”
“You have a bruise on your arm”
Chan was nice enough to allow you some much-needed silence on the car ride to Han and Lee Know’s dorm, but as soon as you two stepped foot in the door, the other seven of your soulmates swarmed you.
Soon, eight worried men were surrounding you, offering food, questioning you, or ranting about how they were going to avenge you.
Han knew half the reason you were upset was because of the backlash you were getting, so that was the main topic after the boys ensured you were full and well-hydrated.
“This is so fucking frustrating” Felix, the usual peacemaker, seethed. You noticed he and Chan spoke English when they were pissed. Their accents were heavier than usual as they ranted to one another, offering solutions to your problems.
“Baby we’ll take care of this, don’t even worry about it” I.N sighed, giving you a look of sympathy
“How so? It’s not like you guys can tell people to stop talking shit about me”
“I can” Hyunjin shrugged, “And I will. Fuck my idol image, I’ll do whatever it takes to defend you”
You smile, “I appreciate that baby, but that’ll do more harm than good”
“A dating rumor will start. Dispatch will eat that shit right up” Seungmin noted, “Then she’ll get more hate. Then the company is involved, internal investigations, hiatuses maybe”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, his irritation apparent but he nodded, agreeing that speaking out may not be the best solution.
“All we can do is let this shit blow over. I mean, people are talking shit but I saw a bunch of Charms defending me”
“I’ve seen some Stays defending you too” Han pointed out, “Actually, anyone with sense is defending you”
“There shouldn’t be a need to defend her in the first place. People are mad because she had a medical emergency. That’s so stupid” Changbin ranted
“People are stupid” Chan sighed, frustration clear in his voice, “What do you wanna do y/nnie? How do you want to handle this?”
Eight pairs of eyes stared at you as you thought about the question. Really, what could you do?
“It can’t be helped” You conclude, “This is just… one of the downsides of being an idol. It sucks but I just gotta deal with it.”
“I’m so sorry baby” Felix frowns, tears welling up in his eyes. You dubbed Felix the “feeler” in the group. Whenever you felt like crying but you didn’t want to let those tears out, he’d do it for you. Same for if you wanted to laugh, or scream. He gave you that relief.
“I feel like we can at least get Eunji fired” Han groaned
“She said it was an accident, plus I can’t blame her entirely. I hadn’t eaten anything the entire day, part of it was my fault too”
“It wasn’t a damn accident” Changbin huffed, “And don’t blame yourself for anything. However, I’m gonna make it my mission to make sure you’re eating and drinking like you’re supposed to”
You nod, knowing when Changbin is serious about something, nothing is going to stop him from doing it.
“You know what? How about we all turn our phones off and just spend time together? No outside distractions, and especially no social media” Hyunjin suggested
Everyone agreed, but you made sure to send a message to your members and manager, letting them know your whereabouts.
I.N. ran to the kitchen and came back with a large plastic bowl. It had little cartoon cats on it, so you knew who it belonged to.
“Everyone put their phones in the bowl. We’re having a soulmate bonding night”
“You sound like Felix” Minho rolls his eyes but is the first to hand over his phone. The rest of you follow suit, with Hyunjin being the last one to do so.
“Let’s pop some popcorn and watch a movie” You suggest, “I’ll pick the movie”
“Nuh uh y/nnie” I.N. protests, “You have a habit of picking sad movies. We aren’t crying tonight”
“Let’s watch a scary movie,” Seungmin says
“Hell no” Chan and Felix seem to say at the same time
“Romance then” Hyunjin smiles
It’s you who sighs this time, “Hyunjin, please. You know I adore you, but nobody wants to see Titanic….again”
“I say we watch an Action Movie,” Changbin says excitedly, “Jurassic Park?”
“We watched that last time” Han whines
“Let’s just do a comedy” Minho grunts, grabbing the remote and picking a random streaming service
You all settle on a random movie you enjoy and the boys have never seen it.
The spacious living room was filled with laughter, sounds of sneaky kisses, and the crunching of popcorn as your movie marathon went on.
At some point, the movies stopped, and you all had sleepy conversations that lasted way longer than they should have.
Before you knew it though, you were curled up in Minho’s bed, wearing only a shirt you stole from his drawer.
You slept in a starfish position, leaving Minho to sneak off to Han’s room to get a chance at a comfortable night’s sleep.
The rest of the boys went to their respective dorms, all giving you a kiss goodnight before leaving.
You dreamt of sunny days and starry nights, lying on the grass with eight familiar faces huddled around you.
It was the best sleep you had gotten in years.
~~~~|~~~~
Taglist: @chuuyaobsessed @h0rnyp0t @prttyxbby @yukichan67 @hanniemylovelyquokka @xxeiraxx @loveforlee444 @whatdoyouwanttocallmefor @cunninglibrarian @holly-here @galaxy4489 @hyunmikim @yougottobekittenme @hyeon-yi @katsukis1wife @multi-fandom-nightmare @staybabblingbaby @kozumesphone @fuck-you-im-gae @thatonedarkskinnedsiren @just-a-blackthorn-cookie @champagneconfetti @juju-227592 @borahae-reads @reallychaoticwoo
#skz bang chan#skz changbin#skz felix#skz han#skz hyunjin#skz jeongin#skz lee know#skz seungmin#skz x reader#skz minho#skz fake texts#skz imagines#skz smau#stray kids smau#skz scenarios#skz#skz angst#skz fanfic#skz poly x reader#stray kids fake texts#stray kids fanfic#stray kids x reader#stray kids texts#stray kids smut#stray kids fanfiction#stray kids scenarios#stray kids reactions#stray kids imagine#stray kids#stray kids angst
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Bro is it just me or is the functionality of this app getting demonstrably worse with each passing day
#like don’t get me wrong; tumblr has always been glitchy and unintuitive and absolutely frustrating to use#and staff’s response to it has always been *giant bong hit* ‘deal with it’#but lately it’s damn near unusable#i can’t scroll down my dash without something weird happening and either a bunch of posts getting skipped OR it jumps me back up to where#i started. or worse; like 12 posts before where i started#or i’m just casually scrolling and i discover that at some point the dash just refreshed itself#i was catching up on stuff from 2 hours ago and now i’m back at 5 minutes ago#don’t get me started on the weird tooth thing in the bottom left. WHAT IS THAT#i’ll never know the purpose because it just errors out every time i touch it#like hiiiiiii for the love of god hello. could the team of people who are changing the app icon every week maybe chill out for a sec#and deal with this because i swear to fucking god#like reddit is fucking imploding and if tumblr becomes a complete unusable mess of fucked up code i’m going to have nowhere to go#personal
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you know what I’ve realized lately? that’s really helped? the axiom: it just doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Or at least it doesn’t when you’re talking about good things and not, like, doing good vs. doing evil. Big choices, little choices, decisions, decisions —it’s not just that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things—because they do! —but just. It won’t make that big of a difference. Life will continue to be wonderful AND difficult, fascinating AND hopelessly mundane, full of roses AND thorns and all the other cliches whether you walk down one road or another. And you’ll get used to the joys and sick of the sorrows whatever they are, and you’ll be ungrateful and bored and dissatisfied in some measure some of the time and you’ll have to work on all the things you have to work on anyways and just. Yeah! It doesn’t make that big of a difference! Even the biggest things!
#as Maria once said to me iconically: marry the guy don’t marry the guy#life is hard and it sucks and it’s also great and little treats exist#and we have to practice patience and virtue and penance regardless of any other circumstances#and God loves us no matter the path we take#like I just. I am reflecting#you know what also made this click for me recently? the limits that can be reached with doing little things to improve your life#like YES. I need to get some exercise and eat some food that is not totally terrible for me and clean my space#but you know the fuck WHAT#(I’m so sorry for swearing)#it doesn’t !!! actually !!!!! dramatically alter my life if I do one thing or another or in a certain order#I could become a fanatical hiker (for some reason I have been seized by the vision of this lately)#and it’s just like. well. yes you could. and you know what it would keep raining sometimes and my anxiety would still exist#and people would still be irritating and laughter would still be real!#anyway I don’t mean to be dismissive over the ways choices can deeply affect our lives#but when the choices are good and the options are good it just doesn’t matter that much#I also realized this with makeup lol. like I reached the point where I was like I could spend more time and effort and money#to achieve a higher level quality of appearance and literally for WHAT#people would still not pay attention to me in the grocery store (lol)#and they don’t need to!!!!! and it’s fine they don’t!!!!!!!#but I just. that voice in my head that’s like if you do X you will experience happiness you have never known#and things will all work out and everyone will be in love you#to that voice I say: well no.#wow this is long but you know what I mean????? it all just sort of matters less in the sense that nothing WE do is going to really#change our lives? I know that’s insane#because people are so insistent that the opposite is true. but like. actually no the most life changing opportunities usually happen#without our control or our scheming or our planning#so of the stuff within our control it’s not that big of a deal!! do good avoid evil enjoy your lunch call your mom!!! but that’s all gonna#keep being the same on the other side of so many many different choices we can make#so yeah
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something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍
#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST#talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it.#talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix#paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to#immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them#not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely#myself in my head yk#and it's so isolating#and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it#oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this#< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as#into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be#like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine#it's so fucking isolating#i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like#fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely#< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭#it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do#and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense#because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying#and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality#just if i talk about something a little too much#bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me#but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are#idk#anyways !
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Man, trying to grind for Larry and Lawrie mastery in any mode is gonna be such a chore to do
#chewys notes#just random ramblings#brawl stars larry#brawl stars lawrie#larry and lawrie#like my god it is mind numbing#I tried playing as them in 5v5 knockout#but i swear to god#my teammate always thumb me down or shit on me because i was the last person standing#but died because they left me alone to deal with a literal fucking tank#as a thrower??#Like literally they made me go up against a bibi and a darryl#Like if y'all didn't drop down like flies than maybe#Just maybe#You shouldn't have left me alone to fend them off#shit dude#lmao
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what if i said kevin day was one thousand million percent a piano kid growing up. what then
#aftg#the short answer for this is that i've been listening to classical music since 6am and i think i've fundamentally gone insane#the long answer is that i know nora was like the ravens only ever did exy#but like that is not a sustainable way to raise children you can't teach discipline with a contact sport#i'm not saying he liked it i'm maybe not even saying he was good at it#but yeah when kevin was like 12 some bitchass old woman who has never felt gods love in her heart made him sit still with his back straight#for hours on end and now he both hates tchaikovsky (correct of him) and also has really good attention to detail (also correct of him)#because learning music is very beneficial for children to like. learn how to make connections or something i dont remember the reasoning#but i swear this is a real thing#there's no way i was forced to play clarinet from the ages of 9 to 15 for the fucking bit. it was for my education or something#anyway i'm having a really normal morning#learned how to make brown sugar shaken espresso and i am abusing that new power to the extent of my ability#edit i did not mean to post this on main but it took too long to write this out i'm not rewriting it. deal with my insanity cowards
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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Tubehell Challenge... I'm so sorry but I have been dropped in the ocean... I will postpone the start date for you... Just a bit...
You will not be forgotten though this is happening whether the universe wants it to happen or not. The universe knows I'm too powerful and is throwing everything it has at me right now but I will win just you wait man just you wait
#literally have to drop everything for geck...#like I'm gonna have to wake up make some calls send some emails research more stuff#figure out how to clean the tank then clean the tank the best i can then rearrange the decor so its better suited to its needs#THEN figure out the food situation cause what the fuck is THIS#THEN make a list of everything we need which btw#is everything but the fucking gecko#and HOPEFULLY this health check I'm organising doesnt turn up some fatal deficiency caused problems#I'm willing to deal with solving the various health problems it undoubtedly has already#provided i can afford a vet bill longer than my current lifespan#but i do have to deal woth the anxiety of a fucking fatal problem until i can get the checks done...#and make do with what I have for now#WHICH IS A WHOLE LOT OF FABRIC PLASTIC LEAVES AND NOT A LOT ELSE#i swear if my little guy has a serious problem i will never and i mean NEVER forgive my sister for this.#and my niece is on thin ice but only because she's 12#'i just cleaned out the tank' NO YOU DID NOT YOU FUCKING LIAR#GONNA NEED A FUCKING HAMMER AND CHISEL WITH THIS OH MY GOD#my mum paid for this by the way.#this is supposed to be a late birthday present since we agreed i was gonna get a gecko for it#but put it off until i was on my meds#now I'm on meds. my niece wanted rid of her crestie and i have never regretted wanting anything more in my fucking life#what the FUCK okay???#AS IF I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH STRESSES MAN YEAH SURE JUST DROP A HUNDY FOR ANIMAL NEGLECT FOR MY BIRTHDAY#OH WOW THANKS THAT'S MY FAVOURITE#god... I'm going to bed...#and for the record my tag ranting is still not the fucking tip of this iceberg.#i am Overwhelmed. this isn't what i signed up for.#the joy of a new pet has never been more absent#this feels like a rescue or fucking amateur geck a&e#give me strength man I'm dying over here i would choose tubehell over this are you kidding me#hhhhh going to sleep. need it real bad. hopefully it recents my brain and makes this easier cause fuck me...
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so basically,,
#i can't fucking deal#i. can't.#like i swear to god i feel fucking feral#and granted i'm VERY hormonal right now but jesus fucking christ#what the FUCK is he up to because BY GOD i feel like i'm about to [beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]#*gets shot*#ash#op#memesos
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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man i WISH having a fp was just "haha i really like you :)" like so many ppl seem to think of it
#➳ the fool speaks#NO it is SO MUCH MORE and it is usually HELL for both involved#i - at least - get clingy . obsessive . etc#to the point i think 99% of ppl who've had to deal w me like that aren't going ''awwwww haha she just rlly likes this person that's sweet'#or ''aww xe really likes me <3''#no they're mosrly going ''what the fuck is wrong with uu stop talking about them i do nawt care''#or ''why do uu care so much about them tf''#or ''oh my god will uu stop freaking out just bc i spoke to another person i swear for the 50th time today i don't hate uu''#like it isn't all bad because it DOES make me give others lots of affection n when things r good they're GREAT#but it also includes me being fucking annoying about Everything and convincing myself no matter what uu hate me forever and ever bc uu did#(ONE) thing eueueueue#being a Beautiful Princess with a Disorder is nawt fun :(
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#so because i hate myself obviously i decided to finally finish naruto. after all those years. it was time#and damn you guys. and here i mean you guys who love this show. i would like to ask you how#i skipped all the filler eps for my own sanity (thank you anime filler list i owe you several hours of my life)#i have seen the first 250eps or so when it was still freshly coming out all those *checks watch* eleven years ago. wow. horrifying.#so it only took me like 3 days since i also kept skipping all the flashback scenes. some of which i have seen at least 20 times#im not even joking. 20 times. the exact same scenes. within 100-200 eps. why and also fuck you#anyways#i have just a few more to go but i know how it ends anyways so its just a formality now but like. i have just one teeny tiny question#why the fuck. is sasuke evil again#for the ten thousandth time#yo fans of naruto. completely seriously how do you deal with this shit#i dont hate the show. it has been a huge formative anime of my childhood/adolescence. my entrance to fandom#my reason to learn english and also japanese#my reason to start drawing and writing and creating and so on and so forth#but my fucking dudes. the story writing of the show is so shit#the show couldve ended at ep 340 or so. for what reason were there fifty different plot twists#i swear no one was amazed anymore. there were no plot holes to fill i promise you. why would you keep snowballing more#''secret evil plots'' and ''actually even stronger eviler more god-like creature that wants to end humanity for whatever reason''#this is like number one rule of good story telling. you cannot keep telling the reader actually this was all someone else's evil plan#and then keep going with the ''actually'' three more times#im so annoyed because regardless of how bad the quality of the show always was and how mediocre some of the characters were#*cough* all the women ones *cough*#i still loved the show. if nothing else for nostalgia sake#but sasuke turning evil for the nth time like 10 eps before the show ends really makes me want to throw hands#to quote my real life friend chidi anagonye: the dot above the 'i' broke me. sasuke being evil again for one last plot twist did it#his character is so empty what the hell. i cant even say that his actions are out of character bc i dont think he even has any#also now that i started shitting at the show. whats with all those bible references. why?? for what reason???? stop?#i get izanagi and izanami and a literal ep called sengoku jidai but my dude. cant you just do one?#(if i see obito's tragic backstory flashback one more fucjing time i will lose it i swear on this. or worse - turn evil!)#also if anyone of you read this whole rant im sorry but also this ones on you <3
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someone kill me, just straight up put me down. my annoying former coworker returned as a volunteer and he annoys me under the best of circumstances but. literally I just said that I don't do dishes that often (meaning not often enough for it to have fucked up my name tag), and he was like "I think it's weird that you would admit to not doing your job" like bitch that's not what I fucking said but okay. And then I was like well I do them sometimes when it's needed and he was like "um..." in that "no you don't way" and said "there were a ton of dishes in the sink when I got here" yeah because I was fucking taking care of birds all day, dipshit! I was feeding our incubator birds every 30 minutes, I did literally all of our outdoor dishes (there was a mountain when I got in today!), I helped catch two very full adult bird outdoor flight cages for weighing and release, I went to release some hatchling turtles, and did all the other miscellaneous cleaning tasks that pile up when feeding hummingbirds. Sorry I didn't have a spare second to do the fucking inside dishes!
#also no shot it was that full because tons of dishes are really only generated in the morning#and one of the other interns was literally doing those dishes when he walked in#because she had the free time to do that#also i literally did some indoor dishes today but okay i guess#oh i forgot to mention I also dealt with our feeder mealworms and crickets#and yeah maybe i dicked around a little bit when I had spare time but it's a 10 hour shift even when im running#non stop between tasks there's still occasionally a moment to sit and relax#also go off mister fucking stood around and talked for a long time with one of the other volunteers#slowing said other volunteer down which is saying something given she's already slow at doing things (meticulous)#and you know what that's the way it has to be sometimes! people aren't machines!#please god if youre real and love me let him have to work every single saturday for the rest of time or at least until january god bless#or do the early morning shift so i only have to deal with him for an hour#i swear i saw him walk in and i was like 'fuck'#iicraft505#also him being there made me irritated so i was slightly rude to my grandma#when she first picked me up#but then i explained myself and was normal#but i mean holy fuck i feel on guard all the time when he's there#not in a 'harm to my person' way in a 'are you gonna say some shit about the way im doing this task and micromanage me' way#like i know i have micromanage-itis but at least im aware and try to leave well enough alone whenever possible#he's aware but doesn't seem to see it as the annoying as character trait that it is#also not that there's a non-condescending way to micromanage but he seems extra condescending#like also have some trust that other people can do things#for christ's sake bro like get normal
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