#and contributes to why i think art is really good for lucy.

[vickyvicarious]

some scattered lucy thoughts from today...

Town is very pleasant just now, and we go a good deal to picture-galleries and for walks and rides in the park. As to the tall, curly-haired man, I suppose it was the one who was with me at the last Pop.

Aside from the 'oh this is all so boring' joke, this list of activities definitely points to Lucy being a very active person. Later on she also talks about other things she likes to do which support this. I think Lucy is a bubbly and outgoing/active person who usually has a lot of energy.

He has a curious habit of looking one straight in the face, as if trying to read one's thoughts. He tries this on very much with me, but I flatter myself he has got a tough nut to crack. I know that from my glass. Do you ever try to read your own face? I do, and I can tell you it is not a bad study, and gives you more trouble than you can well fancy if you have never tried it.

@dathen has a great more heartwrenching take on this line which I just reblogged, but in a more lighthearted direction I just love the image of Lucy making faces at herself in the mirror. I want so badly to see someone make cute art of it.

I do not, as you know, take sufficient interest in dress to be able to describe the new fashions. Dress is a bore. That is slang again, but never mind; Arthur says that every day.

Lucy doesn't care much about fashion. I kind of wonder if her mother cares more and always tries to ensure Lucy is in the latest fashions or whatever, and it's something she's lightheartedly complained about with Mina before. It feels like a familiar reference.

Also, Lucy seems like the type of person to have fun being caught up in new interests that people she likes enjoy. She finds it really fun to imitate Arthur's slang, and gets kinda proud about the idea of being an interesting psychological study, and that sort of thing. She is probably a really good listener. (And now I'm picturing Mina excitedly infodumping to Lucy as they walk along holding hands, Lucy listening with great interest. 10/10 date.)

But oh, Mina, I love him; I love him; I love him! There, that does me good. I wish I were with you, dear, sitting by the fire undressing, as we used to sit; and I would try to tell you what I feel. I do not know how I am writing this even to you. I am afraid to stop, or I should tear up the letter, and I don't want to stop, for I do so want to tell you all.

I have some thoughts about Lucy and speaking freely. I didn't notice how much emphasis is put on it, but when you're thinking about it specifically in those lines there is a lot going on here. It isn't just Mina who wants to be with Lucy where they can talk freely. Lucy feels the same. The way she starts the letter very politely avoidant about how much Arthur matters to her is probably much closer to how she speaks to most people about him, or even most things. She talks about trying to tell Mina how she felt, about not knowing how she's even saying all this, that she should stop, that she doesn't want to, she's writing this in a quick burst of emotion/courage. And sure, it could just be the overwhelming newness of her romantic feelings, but I think Lucy has a tendency to hide how she really feels if it would rock the boat or upset/worry people - regardless of the situation. You know, she acts like she is fine and happy even if she doesn't feel that way. And (vague hinted spoilers) the ability to speak freely specifically is something that has later relevance for both women, so I find it really interesting to see aspects of it in both their first letters.

I also think it's part of why she likes Arthur speaking slang (and later on another man speaking a different sort of slang) so much. It's more relaxed and individual and gives her a little thrill to deviate from more polite and proper scripts. It isn't something she does on her own, but if someone else initiates it's easier to join them. Or at the very least to enjoy listening to.

[spotsandsocks]

Fuck it Friday

Another throw back for Fuck it Friday tagged by the wonderfully lovely @disasterbuckdiaz @wikiangela cover art for this fic from the talented @ronordmann

Tagging the creative and marvellous talents of @monsterrae1 @hippolotamus @honestlydarkprincess @loserdiaz @cowboy-buddie @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @elvensorceress @thewolvesof1998 @the-likesofus @like-the-rest-of-la @rogerzsteven @bekkachaos @jobairdxx @thekristen999 @stagefoureddiediaz @heartshapedvows @fiona-fififi @giddyupbuck @alyxmastershipper @spaceprincessem @canonicallyobserving911 @wildlife4life @princessfbi @housewifebuck @shortsighted-owl @buddierights @megsvstheworld if there is any art fics or edits to share

Like Lovers Do

Chim shrugs an apology as he makes a quick exit from the table and the situation he just created with a casual comment. Buck consoles himself with the fact that at least he looks a little sorry this time, not like the last time he dropped Buck in it over this particular mistake. 

The atmosphere around the table had taken a sharp left turn into awkward when Chimney had  jokingly referenced Buck’s brief and unfortunate liaison with the blonde currently laughing with Hen on the other side of the room. 

Buck silently curses as Eddie stares him down from the opposite side of the table.

Chim’s long gone, he abandoned the situation the second he realised Eddie hadn’t known about the kiss, so now Buck’s all alone with his best friend; usually he likes being alone with Eddie but this is definitely not his idea of a good time. 

Eddie’s looking at him with his lips pursed and eyebrows raised. It’s obvious he has questions about this new piece of information. Buck squirms under the scrutiny. He’d rather be anywhere else right now. 

In a cool voice the questioning starts; “You kissed Lucy? You never told me that.”

That’s true he hadn’t told him. Buck had kind of been hoping Eddie would never have to find out because he’s not proud of that particular moment. 

It was a mistake, such a huge mistake, one he preferred not to think about. He’d never cheated before, had always hated the concept and he knows he never would again. Buck had spent weeks trying to work out why he’d let it happen, why he’d kissed back, then kissed again. Even now he hates thinking about it although at least now he understands the why a bit more than he had then. 

Being back in therapy will do that. Over the last year, longer really  things had gotten pretty mixed up and dark in his head.  He’d hardly noticed the spiral downwards, it had been so slow and steady, it had just become normal for him to feel that way. He hadn’t noticed but Eddie had. 

He’d laugh if it was funny; as Eddie had worked through his issues and found his balance Buck had lost his, but Eddie had seen him, noticed what was happening and been there to steady him when he tripped and stumbled.

When things got really bad, the cumulative effects of so many parts of his life, Eddie had gently suggested Buck start talking to a therapist again. Eddie’s apparently a big fan of therapy these days. 

So he had and now he’s spent a fair number of hours talking about all the things that pull at his heart and twist his thoughts and some of those things definitely contributed to the moment that Eddie’s only just found out about. 

His best friend knows a lot about him but he doesn't know everything, god no, not everything. The kiss is only one of the things he’s been keeping to himself. 

Eddie’s still waiting for details and he doesn’t look very impressed with the delay. Unable to see an escape Buck plunges in with the truth.

“It, it was just a stupid thing I did.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, Buck knows what he’s doing and falls for it anyway, he fills the gap with more words, desperate to avoid the silence.

“I was just embarrassed to tell you, you know, because of all the stupid. It wasn’t like I was deliberately not, not telling you.”

It totally was.

“it just didn’t come up.” 

Eddie frowns “Why’d you do it?”

That’s a big question and the answer is more complicated than he wants to get into with the man opposite him. He goes with half an answer, half the truth, the parts that can safely be shared.

Avoiding Eddie’s eyes he explains the best he can “I was unhappy with Taylor.” 

He doesn’t add the rest - because I wasn’t in love with her, I was just clinging to an illusion. Taylor had been another mistake he made. He knows more about that choice as well now.

“and I was drunk” 

Eddie pulls a face, eyebrows shooting up even higher.

“Neither one is an excuse” he adds quickly “I know that.”

“When?”

He fudges that with “a while ago,” and a quieter,  “when you were at dispatch”.

That’s all he’s going to say because the rest of the answer he needs to keep to himself. Eddie can’t know about all of it. They can’t talk about that. 

Weeks of therapy have let Buck see what else played a part in his monumentally stupid decision that evening and he can hardly tell Eddie what he’s worked out. 

No - he can’t imagine a universe where he drops that particular bombshell on his friend.  As if he could just sit down next to Eddie and casually say, ‘hey, did you know I kissed Lucy once and guess what… I’ve worked out that I did it because I was miserable with Taylor and without you. I did it because you told me to move on and didn’t show up that night, because you left me behind and I didn’t know what to do with that feeling.

And the real kicker; his biggest secret, the root of the problem, the thing that they don’t (can’t?) talk about, the thing that laid the first stone in the path to his poor choices.

Well, how is he supposed to explain that, can he say ‘oh yeah and one more thing; you got shot in front of me and it changed me. I had your blood on my face, on my lips and I can still taste it. 

continue on AO3

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Charles Schulz vs Andrew Dobson: What a Blockhead!

There are certain things about Dobson’s behavior and particularly his approach at being a nerd and presenting himself as someone who enjoys the art of storytelling that I have issues with. Issues I want to tackle on in more detail within later entries quite a bit.

One such tendency is, that he mocks directly or indirectly the work and accomplishments of others.

See, if Dobson doesn’t like you as a content creator because he does not like something you work on, he will try to show it. He will make stupid assumptions of you (like how he accused Kojima of being a sexist creep because of Quiet and how he deals with “male gaze” in MGS compared to Death Stranding), half heartedly mock you (look at anything he makes about Ethan Van Sciver) or he will call a piece of work boring and dull based on a minor element instead of overarching problems (calling Batman the character a white supremacist based on the dumb work of only one author).

By doing that he also tries indirectly to insinuate that he is better in some manner, though most of the time it really just shows his own ego and that his pet peeves are rather petty compared to the overall quality of the work he criticizes as well as its flaws.

One such sight of ego boosting while mocking the work of his better is in my opinion to be found in this comic he uploaded sometimes around 2016/17 randomly online.

This comic in my opinion is both laughable and insulting. Why? I will explain soon.

First however I want to clarify that I get that this comic is supposed to be a joke mostly. The old “What others expect, what I expect” thing, where the punchline is supposed to be the discrepancy between the two fractions and what they expect, mostly by making one of the expectations come off as worse than the other. However, I find the punchline to be Charlie Brown (and as such what Dobson seems to see as something he does not want to be favorable compared too) quite insulting. Why, as I said, will be elaborated on sooner.

First, let me just get on the part I find laughable: The fact that Dobson in his own head seems to believe he can be even remotely compared to people like Paul Dinni, Bruce Timm, Greg Weismann, Justin Roiland, Miyazaki, Shigeru Miyamoto and all the other character creators and animators whose creations we see in the first panel.

 Dobson, don’t make me laugh. Putting aside the fact that those people are animators more than cartoonists, what makes you even believe in your wildest dreams you are on the same level as them? The fact you too are an animator, seeing how you graduated from an art school with a degree in that field? I have seen your contributions to the field and honestly, I would expect a bit more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0tdWNCrIxo

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps6PfiUCxHQ

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PyonOqClf8

 I give you credit, you can animate. Which is more than I can say for myself when it comes to the arts. But when you look what other freelance animators can do online, some of them younger than you and NOT with a degree in animation…

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=64&v=FmkAcGz1BJk&feature=emb_title

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97IfPfjSaDg

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEUoxQ4qSfs

 Viviepop’s demo reels alone are just gorgeous to look at and more fluid than what I have seen of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFlha-KOKCc

 And it is not just the technical quality, Dobson. It is also just the overall “originality” of your work. Cause this is the thing with those animators hinted on in the first pic and even many, many freelancers/fanartists as well as webcomic creators online: They have a spark of originality in presentation and storytelling that you lack. I will one day go more into detail for that, but here is the most brutal thing I can say at the moment: I know shitty porn fanfictions, that have more plot development and character growth than all of Alex ze Pirate.

Your characters and stories tend to be derivative and you barely take any risks in telling a story. Neither in your fanbased work (like the Miraculous comics) nor your original content (mostly because you take comfort in four panel strips anyway)  and when you have an idea for something on which the basis idea actually sounds good, you screw it up by a lackluster execution. One example I want to give for that, would be this fanart of yours in regard to Steven Universe.  

(I apologize for not getting one in better quality) This pic was something Dobson created around 2015 for Steven Universe. The picture is supposed to show Lapis, trapped under the ocean following the events of the season 1 finale of the show. A very emotional situation if you are aware of why Lapis sacrificed herself and was “banned” to the ocean floor. Short explanation: Fused with Jasper and then took primarily control of the fused being they became (Malachite) by using her water powers to bond it with heavy water chains on the ocean floor, so that Jasper would not hurt Steven anymore.

 How much of that was even an emotional strain on her and her psyche was in one episode of season 2 even a theme, as seen here.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK3l8mGNhMg

 I am not even a fan of the show and I get the emotional weight and impact of Lapis actions.

So… why is that not conveyed in the artwork? If you are so talented Dobson, why is none of the strain and despair on the character? The idea of a pic showing Lapis under water, longingly looking up, even in despair is a good basis for a fanart. But the execution lacks any emotional detail. You want to know how I would execute the thing if I had the artistic talent? Make the picture a huge horizontal pic, where we slowly decent from water surface down the ocean. The light getting dimmer. Blue turning into dark. The silhouette of a hand and an arm similar to Malachite’s in the background, trying to travel up, the fingertips barely touching the surface. Heavy chains around the flesh. Symbolic of the fusion trying to break free and cause havoc. And down on the dark bottom, beaten and exhausted Lapis with tears in her eyes and chains all over her body like she is Jacob Marley, desperately trying to keep Malachite at bay for the sake of the only being on earth who ever showed just a little bit of kindness towards her.

 Why can’t we have something like this here, Dobson? If you were even remotely as original as the creators you want to be compared with, I think you could come up with something like that and perhaps even draw it.

But you know, his delusions of being as good as them is one thing. It is even funny.

Pissing over the Peanuts is another. Dobson, what are you trying to hint at?

That people comparing you to Charles Schulz and his creation is in your eyes automatically a sort of insult? That it is something that should at best only be a mockable punchline in a comparison?

Just to clarify a few things: I am NOT much of a fan of Charlie Brown and the Peanuts as a property. As a child, I was just not very entertained by them. Yes, I saw animated movies, episodes and specials of them here and there and my grandparents gave me volumes of them to read, but as a whole I never thought them quite as entertaining than other comics or cartoons I watched. Some parts of Peanuts animation felt to me often times like just dead air (especially parts of Snooby dancing with Woodstuck, as they had no function to move the plots forward) and I really could not stand how some characters treat Charles on a regular basis. I mean, we all agree that Lucy is one of the worst female characters in fiction and that even while we hate Family Guy, this clip likely gave some of us some sort of satisfaction, right?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZkJAx8FycI

 But before the Peanuts fan out there go and want my head on a silver platter, let me make one thing clear: I may not like the Peanuts franchise… but I respect it and the man behind it.

 Charles Schulz drew the comic strip from October 1950 till late 1999 (the final strip being finished months before it would be published on February 13 of 2000, one day after he died of colon cancer) , creating a total amount of 17,897 Peanuts’ strips. His work marks a major impact in the nature of newspaper comic strips and inspired many people out there, including Bill Watterson, to create comics or be in the field of animation. His achievements include among other things, that he created what many people consider the first animated Christmas special ever. The names of his creations became nicknames for the Apollo 10 command module and its’ lunar modul. Four of the five Peanuts movies in existence (animated made for tv specials not withstanding now) were written by him. And the fifth was only not by him, because that one came out in 2015, a decade and a half after he died.

And speaking of things Schulz wrote for the Peanuts, let me mention two things. Two things that though I am not a fan of the Peanuts, I have mad respect for existing in the realm of animation. Two animated specials that stuck with me ever since I was eight.

 “What have we learnt, Charlie Brown?” from 1983 and “Why, Charlie Brown, Why?” from 1990.

 In the first special, which functions as a semi sequel to the fourth Peanuts’ movie “Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown”, the characters actually travel across France and after ending up on Omaha Beach and Ypres the special turns into a tribute to the soldiers who fought in World War 1 and 2, elaborating on the sacrifices made during the war by showing actual footage of fights, recordings of Eisenhower and reciting the poem “In Flanders Fields” among other things. Do you know how impactful it is to learn about the world wars as a small kid, by being reminded of the actual sacrifices others made in order for your own grandparents to survive?

 And speaking of grandparents, I lost my grandmother as a child by cancer. So when I saw the second special I mentioned, you can bet it stuck with me. After all, of all the things in the world, the Peanuts addressing the seriousness of cancer by having a story where a friend of Linus is diagnosed with leukemia and we follow the emotional impact it has on Linus and the girl? Again, I may not like the franchise, but I am not ashamed to admit I think the special treats the subject with a lot of respect and dignity while telling a good story. You bet your ass I get a bit teary eyed when the little girl survives her leukemia treatment and finally gets on that swing again. Those two specials alone are more mature than ¾ of the shit Dobson likes to gosh about, including his oh so precious gay space rocks. And just for those things existing I have respect for Schulz, his creation and the impact it had on so many people. As such, Dobson “belittling” the Peanuts, at least for me, is a freaking insult. The only way Dobson could have been even more insulting is if he called Schulz something derogative.  Dobson should be glad if his life’s work in total could even amount to 10% of what Schulz has done and achieved.

 Cause Dobson, you are NOT a Charles Schulz. Schulz served during the second world war on the front, fighting actual Nazis instead of calling idiots on the internet fascists for not liking Star Wars. He had integrity and work ethics that drove him to draw and write over 17.000 strips, while you can not even finish one FREAKING story. He knew how to tackle a mature subject, while you make shitty shipping jokes involving Ladybug and Cat Noir and claim Steven Universe knows how to be about psychological trauma, when it just romanticizes abuse. He may have drawn simplistically, but at least he could tell a joke instead of constantly berating others for not sharing his opinion. He did all of that and more without having graduated from college.

 And what have you done, Andrew Dobson?

If Dobson reads this, there is one thing in my opinion he should take away from more than anything else: That if people compare him to Charles Schulz’s work, that it means a) he should not be ashamed of it and b) they overestimate him.

[bobzora]

official persona 5 character review

i have only played up to the end of the third palace but i won’t be able to play for a few weeks because my sibling has ABANDONED ME (single tear) and we play together. and i’m bored. so HERES MY REVIEW of all the major characters so far. under read more because i do tend to ramble

- mc/joker (bob johnson)

why is my silent video game protagonist a catboy. it’s funny to me how much personality he manages to have despite being. yknow. a blank slate to project on. charisma! the dialogue options when you’re talking to shadows that are like “girl power!” live in my mind. joker is a girlboss to me. feminism win

- ryuji

he’s like one of those very excited big dogs where you’re like “oh good for you buddy! oh yeah buddy!” but you’re also just like man this is a bit much. on one hand he’s a very good guy but on the other hand sometimes i feel a very strong urge to insult him or just be mean to him in general, often for no particular reason. i like him i really do he just has that kind of personality. he’s a bro. his pirate thing is funny i know they’re named after like. historical figures/characters in literature(?) but captain kidd sounds so. it’s funny ok. it’s funny. he’d be a backyardagain. i like how he’s a mamas boy that’s cute. sorry about your leg buddy. he’s very. naive isn’t the right word but something like that. i still want to bully him. his grin looks dumb (endeared)

- morgana

i think it’s funny how big his head is when he’s in his metaverse mascot form he’s like a bobblehead i want him to fall over from the weight. the gags about his puppy crush on ann and his dislike of being called a cat are ANNOYING like sorry about your identity crisis but i really don’t care. he is cute sometimes though it’s not like i hate him but he’s a little annoying! you know! i’m not big on mascot characters in general haha

- ann

i adore ann she is cute and great and she deserves a lot better get this girl a better costume PLEASE. at the start of the game i was already rooting for her hardcore cause everyone was being terrible to her (very common occurrence that happens to like every character i have noticed. Society) and then she had that thing where she was like “let’s have him continue to live so he can suffer more” and i was like HELL YEAH ann is always saying the truth man. other thieves like “yah it wouldn’t be moral to kill them” (tho they’re cool with the mind control lol 🤔) but ann’s like “idc about that lol i just want him to suffer” SO TRUE. so true. i like her pigtails

- yusuke

ngl before i started playing i kind of already knew that i’d like this guy. i didn’t know much about him other than gay little artist but i knew. i was right. i am incredibly fond of this guy. partially because i too am a weirdo artist with parental issues (his persona awakening had me like *vibrates*) but mostly because he is just so funny. look at this guy! look at his stupid little tail! i lost my mind while doing his first confidant event thing he is GREAT. VERY cool. i just really like him. i could sit there and listen to his long impassioned speeches for a long time

- makoto

i was a big fairy tail fan in early middle school (unfortunate) and i play in dub so every time she opens her mouth i can only hear lucy/every other dub character her va has voiced cause there’s lots of them. ok first of all i’m not a big fan of her character archetype. yknow the straight laced student council president type. nothing personal just not my thing yknow! i do sympathize with her Issues of being useful and being used by the adults around her ofc but i’m not like INVESTED invested. tbf i haven’t known her too long. what’s his face mafia guy’s palace didn’t feel as personal as the last couple which probably contributes to that (underwhelming). on the other hand i really like that she has a motorcycle i was like ?! QUEEN and then THAT WAS HER CODENme??? very cool of her. i don’t care about her that much but i do think she is cool. if i were to encounter her irl i would be so intimidated

- akechi

he has not joined the team yet but he obviously will. i have not seen much of him yet but i do have many opinions. i did know he was this games komaeda archetype before playing because of the sheer amount of arguing i can vaguely remember scrolling past about him but even if i didn’t i would’ve instantly been able to tell. he’s fake as hell. i lose it every other sentence whenever he’s on screen WHO IS THIS GUY. “thesis antithesis *pretentious stuff*” “woowwwww you’re so interesting ^-^” “woahh look we happen to have met waiting for the train teehee” (whenever he pops up in those train scenes it feels like a jumpscare) there is a high percentage chance that i will like this guy a lot. there is a precedent for me really liking that sort of character and he is very entertaining. i hope he is just so unhinged. i mean there’s like a 99% chance he’s the ~mysterious guy causing all the accidents~ and also the “heh kid u were betrayed by one of your own” guy. so. he gives me the vibes of one of those really tiny cutesy dogs who are just incredibly aggressive. funny to me how ryuji hates him to an absurd degree like buddy chilll yeah he sucks but wowww. i LOVE that stupid doodle of him on the classroom chalkboard. the anime sparkles. his hair is ugly btw. we met on 6/9 which turns me into a 12 year old. i enjoyed our silly little tv debate

- futaba

i’m 99% sure that’s the name of the girl with the orange hair and glasses? i haven’t met her yet. she does the hackerman typing thing in the opening which is cute. i’m just mentioning her because i think she’s cute. she’s a techie with orange hair so i’ll probably like her

- fluffy brown hair girl

only character in the game art i haven’t mentioned so i kind of have to so it’s fair. she looks kind?? very fluffy. fluttershy is probably her favorite my little pony. she would eat bread

IN CONCLUSION everybody here needs therapy and also i’m mad that i got invested in a game with time / resource management / stealth mechanics :/ . the battle system is very cool. also the menus are the best character they’re SO sexy

[knovesstorytelling]

Murray Mysteries Transcripts S1E8

Episode 8. Worriers Worry

Written by May Toudic 

Mina: Welcome to Murray Mysteries.

[Theme music plays.]

Lucy: Hello everyone and welcome back! Today I am here with the amazing Dr. Jane Seward for yet another clinical hour.

Jane: That’s not why I’m here.

Lucy: Oh nonsense. I’m sure you have plenty of things to say to our wonderful audience.

Jane: Lucy, please. Art asked me to take a look at you.

Lucy: And you have! You came, you saw, you can tell them I’m fine.

Jane: I wouldn’t call that a proper examination.

Lucy: I thought you weren’t a medical doctor.

Jane: I’m not, that’s true, but Art said you wouldn’t see anyone else.

Lucy: That’s because I don’t want to waste a doctor’s time when I’m perfectly healthy! The NHS is dying, Jane. I refuse to contribute to its demise.

[Jane sighs.]

Jane: Alright, then at least talk to me. Two minutes, no deflecting. Only straight answers.

Lucy: I am not—

Jane: And no straight jokes, I’m serious Lucy. This is important. If nothing else, do it for Art. They’ll be much happier if they know you’re okay.

Lucy: Fine. Fine! Ask away, Scrooge.

Jane: How have you been sleeping lately?

Lucy: Honestly? Not great. I’m having some nightmares? Nothing really terrible. I can’t even remember them properly. But they do leave this vague feeling of fear when I wake up. It’s better when Art is staying over, or when I sleep in my Mum’s room.

Jane: Have you been doing that a lot?

Lucy: Just a couple of times. She’s not a fan of the idea. She’s still a bit ill and she thinks I’m doing it because I worry about her.

Jane: And do you?

Lucy: Yes. No? I don’t know. I’m sure she’ll get better, it’s not like she’d fading away. She’s just — not as well as I’d like.

Jane: Of course. Now, do you feel like your sleep troubles are affecting you during the day?

Lucy: Eh, no, not really.

Jane: Lucy.

Lucy: What?

Jane: You look terrible.

Lucy: Ouch! I thought you liked how I looked.

Jane: I— That’s— That’s not what I— You know that’s not what I meant, you— you’re always beautiful, but at the moment, well, you don’t look like yourself. That’s all I meant.

Lucy: Alright, so I guess I’m a little tired. My throat is achy and I’m paler than usual. But that’s not really, that’s nothing to worried about. A couple solid night’s sleep and I’ll be ready to roll again.

Jane: I don’t know Lucy. I’ve heard Mina’s podcast, there’s been something wrong for a while now.

Lucy: That was sleepwalking! That’s completely different.

Jane: And that hasn’t happened again?

Lucy: Not that I know of. No.

Jane: Right.

Lucy: So? What’s the verdict doctor, am I on the brink of death?

Jane: I think you’re suffering from symptoms of sleep deprivation, which itself is most likely caused by anxiety.

Lucy: I’m not anxious, that’s Mina’s thing.

Jane: Anyone can be anxious Lucy. And repressing it doesn’t make it go away, it just pushes it down, until it has no choice but to manifest through nightmares and insomnia. I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping aids, they should help you get back on your feet, but you can’t rely on them for too long, okay? I want you to look after your sleep hygiene, get some fresh air, and exercise during the day, go to bed at regular hours, avoid caffeine later in the day—

[Lucy stiffles a laugh.]

Lucy: So I have to be Mina?

Jane: You have to be reasonable.

Lucy: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. 

Jane: Will you promise you’ll at least try?

Lucy: I solemnly swear to channel my best friend and her premature old lady-ness.

Jane: Thank you. Now, one of my old professors is visiting the area and I’d like to get a second opinion?

Lucy: Oh come on Jane. I really don’t think that’s necessary. I’m sure they have better things to do. Why don’t you take them on a tour of the town or something?

Jane: Professor Van Hellsing will be here in a professional capacity to help me with my research. I’m sure she won’t mind helping me with this too.

Lucy: Right, fine. But only because I’m curious about this Van Hellsing lady. She can examine me while I examine her.

Jane: Thank you. I promise it won’t drag on, I just want to be sure.

Lucy: Yeah, yeah. Now can we record your segment?

Jane: Are you sure you won’t go and lie down? You look…

Lucy: We’re not doing this again. I played along with your little interrogation, now it’s your turn.

Jane: I suppose that’s fair? I’ll play you my latest notes.

[A beep.]

Jane: R continues to be full of surprises. He had another outburst yesterday, but not at the time we’ve come to expect. It happened around noon. The attendant saw him get agitated and called me and a few other people for help. Good call, considering how violent the episode was. It took about four of us to restrain him. It didn’t last long, thankfully, only about five minutes before he got quiet again, but his screams upset a lot of the other residents, and we spent most of the afternoon on damage control. He’s been quiet since, as far as I can tell. I really have no idea what could cause such an irregular outburst.

[A beep.]

Jane: Later now. I checked on R around 5 pm and he seemed a lot happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. He was catching and eating flies again, and when he saw me come in, he immediately apologized for his behaviour yesterday. I’ve got to admit, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I really was not expecting this. He seemed extremely lucid and asked if he could be transferred back to his old room. I didn’t see a problem, as we’ve had the window fixed, so he’s back there now. Still under increased surveillance though. I’ve tried to ask him about what happened in the past few days, it would be immensely helpful to get his point of view on the events. But no luck. All he said was that his master had deserted him and that he was going to have to do it himself. When I asked him what “it” was, he just changed the topic and asked me if he could have some sugar for the flies. Maybe I could try another approach. It really would be helpful to get insight into his thought process.

[A beep.]

Jane: Another episode from R. Different this time. I left the institution for a meeting this afternoon, came back as the sun was setting and R was standing at his window, yelling at the Sun. I could hear him from the street, he was definitely upset, but by the time I got in and to his room, the Sun had finished setting and he stopped yelling entirely. Then he took his box of flies and threw it away. I was surprised, considering how enthusiastic he was just yesterday. When I asked him about it, he said he was sick of it and didn’t want the flies anymore. It’s hard to stick to any potential diagnosis considering how often his behaviour changes. But today gave me an idea. I’m going to study the relationship between his outbursts and the position of the Sun. At noon a few days ago, then at sunset. It’s a long shot, maybe it’s a coincidence. I have to do more research. This isn’t something I’m familiar with. I’ll contact the university library, maybe ask Van Hellsing to bring some of her books with her. I hope I’m on the right track.

[A beep.]

Lucy: You are such a nerd.

Jane: I’m a clinical psychiatrist! It’s my duty to do as much research as necessary to properly diagnose my patient.

Lucy: Sounds like something a nerd would say. So you think this has something to do with the Sun?

Jane: I’m not certain of anything yet, but I think it’s a possibility. Think about it. His previous patterns also involved the Sun. He escaped at night, twice. Then he became calm at night but agitated during the day. This could all be related.

Lucy: And this professor of yours is going to help you figure it all out.

Jane: With luck, yes. Van Hellsing is the smartest woman I know. If anyone can help, it’s her.

Lucy: Colour me intrigued. Think we could get her on the show?

Jane: I…  um. I suppose you could ask.

Lucy: Awesome! You heard it here first, listeners. Stay tuned with some exclusives with the great professor Van Hellsing. Exciting stuff, don’t miss it!

[Credits music begins.]

Credits: Murray Mysteries is a Knoves Storytelling production. This episode was written by written and produced by May Toudic and featured Bebhinn Tankard as Dr. Jane Seward and Megan John as Lucy Westenra. Original music by Sophie K. Thank you for listening.

[jfangirld]

Promise - A Gruvia story for Big Bang Nalu Gruvia Event ----------------------------------------------

Promise - A Gruvia story

So this story is for the Nalu, Gruvia Big Bang Event. Thanks for this event ! I was in collaboration with @anime-top-arts, go and check her contribution ! ^^

Playlist: 

RM - forever rain

If Gray hated anything, it was to make a woman cry. Even more so when it was the one he loved. He had never seen Juvia in this state before. It was heartbreaking to see the girl he was in love with, devastated because of his behavior. 

“How can you leave Juvia alone?” she said sobbing. “Am I not good enough for you?!” 

Maybe he should have prepared her mentally. No, he was certain of his choice to not say anything until this moment. She would have begged him to go with him. He knew her too well. She was determined and brave, and that’s a reason why he loves her.

“Juvia, I can’t let you come with me. It’s dangerous... too dangerous.” Gray said looking at her while she winced.

“So, Juvia is not strong enough to go with you. Not strong enough to do a 100 years quest!?” She was not sad anymore, but rather she was… upset?

Seeing an upset Juvia was also brand new to him. How could she think horrible things like that?

“Juvia was an S class mage before, you know. She knows what it is, she is not dumb.” The girl added. 

This argument was going too far; way too far.

“I’m not saying that, Juvia,” He took her hand in his while he was looking at her. She was so beautiful. “I lost you once, I can’t lose you again. It’s too difficult. I prefer to know that you are safe with Gajeel and the others at the guild.”

Juvia blushed. Gray was never romantic like that. She loved this new side. 

“Maybe I seem selfish, but when it comes to you, I’m the most selfish man in the world.”

It was the first time that Gray said something like that, so he hoped that Juvia would notice it.

“When are you leaving?” She asked. 

“Tomorrow at 2pm because we have to wait for Natsu and Lucy to wake up.” He answered, not understanding why she was asking that.

From the way her lips pressed together to make a fine line, Juvia seemed to think about what to say next. 

“We will talk about it tomorrow morning…” She turned to go home, but he took her hand not understanding what she was doing. 

“What are you doing? I leave for the 100 years quest soon, so I want to stay with you until tomorrow.” 

“Juvia waited for you for more than 9 years during which you paid no attention to her feelings. And you think that the day you decide to notice her, Juvia must accept without complaining,” she paused as if she were surprised by her own words. “She is not a doll that you can manipulate when you want to; she is a woman. A woman with a lot of feelings and a lot of fear. Juvia thinks you should understand that!”

And before Gray could say anything, she was gone. What just happened?! He couldn’t lose her again.

                                                                        *****

A few hours later, Gray was at the guild, a drink in his hand while he thought of her. He was so stupid and stubborn. He only thought about him in the relationship. Two lovers are supposed to work together, and he hoped that Juvia would forgive him. The man spent his time brooding and crying over how stupid he was. A few hours later, the barmaid came to talk to him.

“Gray, you need to leave now. I have to close the bar and the guild. Can you turn around?” Mira asked from behind him, not noticing the tears rolling down his cheeks.

Gray turned around to look at her, his eyes red from crying. The woman was surprised by the unusual expression on his face. “Is everything all right?”

He took a little time to answer, he didn’t even know how to reply.

“I’m not the one to whom you should ask,” Gray answered taking a sip of his glass. 

The satanic soul mage didn’t understand what he meant by that. Just what was the problem?

“Don’t worry Mira, I don’t plan on leaving the guild until tomorrow morning. You can go home and sleep now.”

She was worried about him, but sometimes people need time to talk. She knew that Gray was this type of person. With that in mind, Mira left the guild, still worried about her friend.

 Gray stayed at the guild wondering what Juvia would do when he left for the 100 years quest. A series of questions ran through this mind. Would she cry and hate him? Would she not want to hear or see him ever again? He was afraid about tomorrow, because he may never know how she really felt about this. Would they ever finish their conversation from earlier?

A few minutes later, Gray could hear the door open.

“Mira I told you I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” He said but when he looked at the person who was in front of him, it was none other than Gajeel Redfox. “Oi! Ice Boy!” Gajeel answered. “Are you okay?”

The ice mage could understand the irony. “Do you know if she is okay?” Gajeel didn’t even have to ask who Gray was referring to.

“So, you care about her now, do you?” 

Gray hated his tone. He already felt bad enough; he did not need that. He stood up and looked at him.

“Listen, I care about her. I can’t live without her… I,” He stopped, unable to utter words from his mouth.

“You what?” encouraged Gajeel.

“I love her.”

A mischievous smile appeared on Gajeel's face while he looked at him.

“Gihee. Therefore, you see that you have to say it to her. She needs to hear that, Gray. She waited years to be with you, so you should understand that she was disappointed about the 100 years quest.”

It was the first time in his life that Gray heard Gajeel speak this way so freely. “You are right, I have to tell her that. She deserves it; she deserves everything. And it’s my role to do that. She needs to feel loved.”

“Oh my Mavis! That’s what I wanted to hear!” Gajeel exclaimed with a smile.

“Thank you Gajeel,” Gray said. “I feel better about myself now. I have to tell her tomorrow before I leave.”

They both finished the night at the bar, drinking and chatting about their love lives. Gray never had a conversation like that with Gajeel before. It was very pleasant and weird at the same time. But thanks to that, he was less stressed.

 *****

Regarding of the conversation with Gajeel, Gray was still stressed like he had never been the next day. The pain in his stomach was strong. The things we do for love, huh? Gajeel was still sleeping at the bar. Last night made Gray realize how much the dragon slayer loved Juvia. He hoped that he would take care of Juvia when the ice mage left.

He hated himself.

A few hours later, the guild was crowded but he did not see Juvia. At Erza's request, he climbed onto the table as it was the moment he dreaded the most. 

Goodbyes. “We are here to make an announcement,” Erza began “Gray will explain to you in detail.”

They all knew the sister figure hated to talk in front of people, thus he started to explain the situation.

Then, a beautiful blue haired woman held his attention. Juvia. She was there after all.

After he finished explaining, he went to the water mage, determined to explain himself. 

“Juvia we need to talk.” Gray started.

“Yes, we have to,” She answered; her monotonous tone made him more stressed than before.

They left the guild to go outside, they started to walk. She was very quiet, showing that their separation was going to be heartbreaking.

They stopped to walk when Gray took Juvia’s hand, urging her to look in his eyes. 

“Juvia... you know how important you are to me, but you also know that I am stupid and immature when it comes to feelings,” 

While blushing, she started to look at him, and Gray was content to see a good reaction. “I love you Juvia. I will always will. You are the most patient, beautiful, and understanding girl in the world, and I want to stay with you forever. No quests will be able to separate us; no love rivals. Nothing, and nobody.”

“Gray-sama, Juvia is so glad that you have understood her feelings.” 

It was the best moment to show her his surprise. He brought his hands together and began to say, “Ice make ring.” 

That’s when a stunning, ice ring appeared in his hand. He took Juvia’s finger and let the ring slide on.

“What is that Gray-sama?” Juvia asked peering the ring which fit her well. 

“It’s a promise,” He started “I promise to come back to you. I promise to make you my wife, and I promise to love you for eternity.” 

Then, Juvia started to cry and threw herself in his arms. Only tears of joy were shed. All was well. 

@nalugruviaevents check @anime-top-arts art : https://anime-top-arts.tumblr.com/post/186001109101/today-its-the-day-that-me-and-jfangirld-will

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

2019 in Retrospect

2019 has been fairly quiet, so I decided to start off this year by looking back on it. I’ll be dividing it by main fandoms/characters/ships because this year there were actually some new ones. That hasn’t been the case since, like, 2013. 

Sonic the Hedgehog

It was an...alright year for Sonic. TSR was fine but too light on content, Mario and Sonic Tokyo felt like a step down from Mario and Sonic Rio but was still alright, and I have not played SEGA Heroes (and haven’t bothered with the Chao in Space short). Lowest spot for me was the IDW comic; the Zombot arc has had one interesting story so far, but the rest has had either bad writing (primarily aimed at Shadow’s turn) or it’s just been wallowing in its bleakness in a way even Shadow the Game didn’t. Then again, I find zombie stories uninteresting to begin with, so no duh I’m not interested in a Sonic take on it. 

Chaotix kind of mirror that. Vector’s managed to get a good showing in, batting 3 for 3 on the game front, and having a key role in two of them. And like I said before, the Chaotix have genuinely had the most interesting stories within the Zombot arc, although with Vector and Charmy turned this may become more limited. Speaking of though, Espio and Charmy have had weaker presences. Espio managed to get into all three games in some form but to a lesser extent (one just by name), and Charmy was really left behind. 

As for Vecpio, it’s been pretty bare for canon material stuff. Espio got mentioned in TSR as contributing the report that reveals Dodon Pa’s true role (with him and Vector being the key to making everyone shut up about him being suspicious, proving they’re best as a team). And Mario and Sonic Tokyo has something if you headcanon some stuff; when Vector talks about the medals, Espio is the first person you’re directed to. Nothing is said by Vector about Espio in text, but you can implicate that Espio was chosen first because of his strong link to Vector, being the first one Vector would trust to compete at a gold level. Other than that? Dry. And with no announcements for Sonic games in 2020, this may just continue. 

Crash Bandicoot

On the reverse side, we have Crash Bandicoot having a really strong year. CTR:NF came out (which is a remake of my favourite Crash game) and has been doing gangbusters. On top of this, it has been going out of its way to revive pretty much every dead character in the franchise, to the point that we have RIlla Roo back in the fold (something I genuinely didn’t think would happen 19 years beforehand). 

Skipping straight to the shipping for this, I wouldn’t have imagined it for Crash ever, but there’s actually some in-game material for me to latch onto for DingodileXKomodo Joe! Dingodile has been pushed into a more jovial character since N-Sane Trilogy, being even more doubled down on in CTR:NF. However, for the past 20 years Komodo Joe has managed to avoid being given traits closer to Espio. This game finally catches up to him, and does it hard. Seriously, his character took a hard turn for the stoic badass Espio did after Heroes, and when did Joe ever use Martial Arts magic ever? Aside from making that dynamic naturally more matching, Slide Coliseum joins in the fun with the visual upgrade. It has holographic projections of a trophy girl repping a couple of racers dancing each, and guess who the devs felt could be paired up for how they go together rhythmically? That’s right, my reptile boys. Man. 

Super Mario Bros

What a weak year for Mario for me. What Mario got for new games this year were Luigi’s Mansion 3 (which I’ve not played), Mario Maker 2 (which isn’t new story content and doesn’t interest me in the slightest), Yoshi’s Crafted World (which I forgot was a thing) and Mario Kart Tour/Dr Mario World (which...um). 

Because of this set-up, Bowser hardly got anything to do so he’s really been on the backburner. Considering how he’s been pushed in the rest of the decade that’s saying something. In fact, the most character stuff he got was in Mario and Sonic Tokyo, and even that was mostly just alright (I think Bowser Jr got the best deal out of that).

Spyro the Dragon

Spyro was alright, but this one’s more understandable. With 2018 being the big year for Spyro’s return, 2019 was a rest for the little guy. That being said it wasn’t completely quiet; Spyro Reignited Trilogy finally got its port on the Switch, and to tie in with that Spyro got an appearance in CTR:NF. 

Because of the latter point, Gnasty Gnorc got a surprisingly strong year. Not only having more people learn about his glow-up in SRT, but bringing over that petty and angry character to CTR:NF. Seriously, his bit in the grand prix intro video is great, and he has more lines in his racing quips than any other game. 

OK KO

I don’t think I made a post about OK KO on Tumblr (or maybe I did one, I can’t remember). But I did manage to get into this just before it got cancelled so there’s that. 

I maintain that the Sonic crossover (aka the first thing I really knew about OK KO) didn’t give me a good impression of the show.It just seemed like “here’s the Sonic and Eggman dynamic but with more cartoon shenanigans*” and it spent more time making endless Sonic references. While some were deeper cuts which actually were impressive, most were references I could see in pretty much any Sonic-referencing material. It wasn’t until I decided to look up more info on Lord Boxman sometime after because I wanted to check if N.Gin was an influence that I found out the plot of the actual show (crossover notwithstanding) was pretty nuts and way more up my alley. 

Speaking of, there’s Voxman. Whereas other ships on here I have to dig through material to construct nuggets from them, this was literally in the text. And why not, they have a good dynamic and are usually the most fun to watch bounce off each other. And I still like the fact that if KO and Lord Boxman were the Sonic and Eggman parallel, the story ends with Eggman becoming Sonic’s stepfather. Let’s see IDW tell a story like that, it’d be better than the Zombot stuff. 

*I think that was the point but still. 

LEGO

Man I wouldn’t have thought they would have remade LEGO Racers but the one they made this year was gre--

Okay no, this year basically reignited another flame that I thought was snuffed out like 16 years ago. For a brief history of me and LEGO, when I was six I had a freestyle box which I used to make an elemental superhero persona. I played with this until I was 11. Before then, my sister got some LEGO Harry Potter sets (which we still have in the loft), I played LEGO Racers a lot (and wasn’t very good at it), and I owned two random other LEGO sets (the trike from Life on Mars and Lava from RoboRIders). 

After that, I only dabbled in LEGO when there was a Sonic set done for LEGO Dimensions. I did try to play more into it, but it was really prone to crashing in certain worlds so I eventually got frustrated enough to stop playing it. Sometime in the interim though my sister started enjoying LEGO films without me knowing, so when February came around I was dragged to see LEGO Movie 2 when all I wanted to see in 2019 was Toy Story 4. Dad insisted on it since we rarely have family outings. In retrospect; 

LEGO Movie 2 hit me in a way a piece of media hasn’t for years, or even decades. It’s shot up to be my third-favourite film of all time. And it’s revealed to me that LEGO is shockingly good at making endearing characters. So much so that breaking it down (pun not intended) has to be done by theme.

LEGO Movie: Part of the reason why I didn’t get into LEGO earlier was because I did see LEGO Movie back in 2014 when my sister was given it on DVD (she wasn’t into LEGO then) and I wasn’t impressed with it. In retrospect, I can appreciate what it did more, and I bring it up because it’s what makes Unikitty, Benny and Metalbeard so endearing when combined with what happened in TLM2. Lucy’s okay (moreso in the sequel), Emmet’s cute, President Business is fun but the MVP is definitely Rex Dangervest, who’s this feral monster but with Emmet buried away deep inside ready to flesh him out. When I make LEGO stories, I just have Rex change his mind on rescuing himself after getting the dinosaurs, and instead wreaking havoc in the present. This kills Emmet off in any story I do but it’s a worthy sacrifice. 

LEGO City Undercover: As a video game person I’m kicking myself for not getting into this before. Frank Honey is the best; he’s adorable and weird yet still feeling very much human and basically the Emmet of his city. Rex Fury has grown on me lots since my initial assessment of him,it’s infectious how much fun he has with being a criminal (while Vinnie is more fun when not doing criminal stuff and Chan seems to be more focused on doing criminal stuff as a job. I also think his calmer side is criminally (no pun intended again) overlooked). Also Ellie is underrated, she is the best straight man you could ask for. 

LEGO City Adventures: As I’ve said before, pretty much everyone in LCA is adorable, especially Duke and Harl. Still hoping for more Daisy time in the second season, she could be a riot if played properly and not just a Fendrich stooge. 

Ninjago: Coming in with the hot take here; I prefer the movie version of Ninjago to the series. I think the problem with the series is that it has so much baggage from before the series started to iron out some of its issues and cliches that it’s kinda hard to get into as a new person, whereas movie Ninjago is a lot more approachable and written better off the bat (although I do see why it wouldn’t go down well with existing Ninjago fans). This all just makes me think of that moment in series 11 where Nya sees her worst fear of being normal in an artefact and it shows her movie self, almost as a take that. It just makes me think the show writers are salty about movie Nya kicking show Nya’s ass in being a better character. Also shout outs to Kai, Cole, Zane and Lloyd for being great characters as well (Jay is cute in the movie, his show self can be punted off a cliff for all I care). And I am with the movement to have Cole come out as gay (or at least bi if they want to keep Tournament of Elements I guess). 

Nexo Knights: This show is regarded as another Ninjago wannabe, but it feels very different to Ninjago to me. So much so, there’s not a single one of the heroes I don’t like and they all need to be cherished. Macy gets props for being the best female character to me, Aaron is probably my favourite now and this is a house of Clance for future reference. 

So, with all that being said, what do I think of the prospects for 2020? I think it’s going to be quieter than 2019 to be honest, since there’s a lot winding down, and on the game side there’s been zero announcements. Crash and Spyro having a rest is understandable, Sonic’s going to have to get past the movie before gearing up for 2021 probably (for the record I have no interest in the movie) and Mario just needs to try harder. And with OK KO dead, only LCA is holding the fort for guaranteed new content I want to engage in right now. 

You know what would be fun though? Series 20 of the minifigures theme is due at the end of this year. Wouldn’t it be awesome to use the occasion to give some phsical minifigures to characters who never got them before? LIke, Rex Fury somehow still has enough demand to be a persistent feature in the customs market, give him an official figure (especially since he’s the only character from LCU that’s not Chase that’s even appeared in merch outside the game). Or let Sky Lane get her LEGO Universe look in physical form to go with her LIXS look. Or heck, finally give Rocket Racer his original look, that’s how I discovered the minifigure world in the first place!

[thesilverheroineproject]

By Haley Thurston

What are women afraid of? Why do women matter? How are women useful? Do these questions have gender-specific answers?

In The Power of Myth, Joseph Campbell says that a hero is “someone who has found or achieved or done something beyond the normal range of achievement and experience. A hero properly is someone who has given his life to something bigger than himself or other than himself.” He goes on to distinguish between physical heroes, those who do deeds, and spiritual heroes, those who “[have] learned or found a mode of experiencing the supernormal range of human spiritual life, and then come back and communicated it.”

This is a grand and beautiful model. And especially when we just leave it at “someone who has achieved something beyond the normal range of achievement and experience,” it works very well for a hero of any gender. But when Campbell gets into the specifics of what counts or is celebrated as an unusual achievement, or how that achievement goes about getting done, I start thinking “well those are pretty unambiguously good achievements, but they’re also pretty male.”

That’s because there’s another element to heroism, which is where it interacts with social values, and gives us a mythology about what we should care about achieving. If we tell stories that laud a person for being unusually sacrificial, then we’re communicating that selflessness is a value of our community. Even when a story isn’t explicitly or intentionally communicating information about what is socially and morally good, we can retro-engineer a lot from the text to determine what its underlying values are.

While stories in general can be about any number of things beyond telling the reader what kind of person they should be (thank goodness), it’s important to remember that the genre of hero stories really is fundamentally about what makes a remarkable and laudable human. Even when a character is simply coded as a protagonist, hero stories have primed us to expect, justified or not, to learn something about what it means to be a good human from that character. So while I don’t want to go down some alarmist road that ends with “exposing children to Harry Potter means they will become Satanists,” and as obvious to the point of pedantic this might sound, the whole point of heroes is that we admire and emulate them, and it’s worth talking about what the consequences of being told we should emulate some trait actually are.

So to bring this back to the Heroine’s Journey, if we look at something like the Odyssey, we have two different kinds of heroes: Odysseus and Penelope. Odysseus is a pretty Campbellian hero. He leaves home, he does deeds, and returns home, having earned some kind of mantle of authority. Penelope, on the other hand, is left at home with the challenge of figuring out what to do with herself. She waits for Odysseus and she fends off a series of suitors. In the story itself she isn’t as perfectly virtuous as she’s made out to be by various pro-chastity ideologues. But she does, nonetheless, “achieve something beyond the normal range of achievement and experience” if you care about achieving fidelity. But this is a very different kind of heroism.

The Heroine’s Journey is about learning to suffer, endure, and be subjected to indignity while maintaining grace, composure, and patience. While most heroic stories involve some element of perseverance and strength of will, what makes Heroine’s Journey stories different is that a heroine’s perseverance is tested not to see whether she can persevere to achieve a separate goal, but rather simply to see if she can persevere, period. When you lay it out like that, it’s pretty hard to see the Heroine’s Journey as fundamentally heroic, to which I say: well yeah.

I suppose I’m interested in the Heroine’s Journey because I’m interested in the cognitive dissonances women experience; what creates them, what the consequences of them are, and what to do about them. In Heroine’s Journey stories, for example, women are told that their entire social role and contribution to society is contingent on them being really really good at being graceful martyrs. Yet at the same time, women are told that being a martyr is a weak thing to be; ie, the opposite of heroism. And even without being told that, most women can figure out in their heads that the Heroine’s Journey 1) doesn’t feel good and 2) is flawed heroism.

So the story of the Heroine’s Journey, the meta-Heroine’s Journey, if you will, is the story of being told a dissonant truth, and then attempting to disentangle it. In order to chart that story, we need to look at both the original, traditional Heroine’s Journey and then the modern Heroine’s Journey, troubled in its own way, that developed as a result of grappling with the traditional one.

The traditional Heroine’s Journey goes something like this:

The heroine is yet undeveloped. She may be wild and undignified, she may be mild and unremarkable, or she may be seemingly already virtuous.

Her worth is threatened. That is, her ability to persevere is threatened. The threat may be an assault on her virtue, an undignified circumstance, or random misfortune.

She endures, gracefully. She suffers, but her dignity isn’t undermined. If anything, her dignity is antifragile, she becomes more dignified the more she suffers.  Her perseverance then makes her previously undefined nature snap into place. Her dignity gives her strength.

Thankfully, it’s not 1850 anymore. The modern Heroine’s Journey is more like:

The heroine is yet undeveloped. She is often highly confused about where virtue is located.

Her dignity, composure and grace, ie, her worth in the “traditional” sense are threatened. Additionally, and perversely, her ability to defend traditional worth is tested.

She proves her value by either transcending or invalidating the test (“fuck it, this is a bad metric”) — or by transcending/invalidating the test, but stillpassing it (“having it all”). The modern Heroine’s Journey is about defining one’s worth anew.

A traditional Heroine’s Journey looks like the women from Les Miserables: the rejected Eponine, the destitute Fantine. Cosette never seems like much of a hero, but she certainly starts out from rags. The Victorian era was probably the height of the Heroine’s Journey, and you can see it in things like Dracula. As many horror stories would go on to mimic, two women, Mina and Lucy, are tested with seduction, but only the former resists and therefore gets to survive for her trouble. Jane Austen’s women teeter on the edge between the traditional and modern journey, each tasked with seeing through the cads and settling on the moral, pragmatic partner. Once you know this narrative, you see it in all kinds of romance stories: the triumphant woman is the one who rises above (or outsmarts) the men who would degrade her.

The modern heroine looks like Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids, a movie that pulls indignity rugs out from under its protagonist for two hours. She lost her business! Her ego is dependent on a guy who makes her hate herself! Her friend has a new best friend, one who’s richer, prettier and thinner! The movie is not so much critical as lovingly satirical towards female preoccupation with indignity, coming to the conclusion “indignity is bad, but not so bad in the end.” The modern heroine also looks like Sylvia Plath, who has both become a symbol of female suffering (trite, traditional), and of an interpreter of suffering that is female in a human sense. She is a symbol, in other words, of not wearing suffering easily, or of having suffering that is serious and legitimate. The modern Heroine’s Journey has no better description than Leslie Jamison’s “Grand Unified Theory of Female Pain,” which describes contemporary women as “post-wounded.” The post-wounded woman is one who is never suffering in the present, but is instead always contextualizing and nervously proving ownership over that suffering. Jamison’s piece is one of the best (and perhaps only) articulations of the Heroine’s Journey, and I will continue to refer to it.

How did we get from the traditional to the modern? And where do we go afterwards?

You could argue, perhaps, that maybe there was a time in which Heroine’s Journey values were once constructive. Say, stability and self-sacrifice are good for childrearing; female work frees up men to be creative/accomplished; it’s to an oppressive group’s advantage to feed the oppressed group a heroic narrative about grunt work, shame, and putting up with crap.

But regardless of why, precisely, Heroine’s Journey values became socially useful, it’s clear that they became less useful over time. Increasing wealth, public health, safety and opportunity meant that whatever division-of-labor benefits enforced gender roles might have had, both women and men could suddenly not participate in various “duties” and they and human civilization would still survive. Such upheaval necessitates a series of grappling questions.

1. “Does this quality I’m told is good actually contribute to human flourishing?”

Stage one is destructive. It tends to involve a certain amount of hatred, either directed inward, or directed by one against another. Stage one amounts to smashing a social value, and smashing is usually crude. Smashing is like a person pacing back and forth and muttering “This thing is WRONG. I don’t know quite what it IS or what it MEANS but I know that it is WRONG.”

In practice, stage one is mostly torture porn. I’m thinking about Andy Kaufmann’s tape Andy and His Grandmother, which (as described in a Grantland article) made an art form of ribbing women. His questions sound almost earnestly direct, but because women are unaccustomed to responding to such directness, and he knows it (or else he wouldn’t make comedy of it) there is something disingenuously torturous about them as well.

Though I’ll say more in a second about why horror is actually one of the best genres for women, the reason that people can look askance at that idea, is because a lot of the time, for a long time, anti-female-composure stories have been for the amusement of people (largely men) who want to punish women. Take a hot girl, who thinks she’s hot shit, and put her through hell–that will teach you to be hot!!! Horror is catharsis, and it makes some sense to me that it would be a realm of catharsis, however essentially misogynistic, for sexual rejection and desire. When I described this piece to a friend, he replied: “So isn’t like 90% of porn the Heroine’s Journey then?” Well…perhaps so. If the graceful negotiation of composure and things that threaten composure is the essence of female value, and fetishes originate in the secret and taboo, then well, of course the destruction of female composure would become deeply, repeatedly fetishized.

The potentially brutal treatment of women in stories is also complicated by the idea that the way men become symbols for corrupt authority, women become symbols for corrupt social values and contracts. When you smash one of them in a story, often enough that’s what you’re symbolically smashing. But I think it would be disingenuous to say that all virulence directed at female characters is simply thematically motivated.

So that’s two kinds of composure-destruction by men. But you’ll notice that early female comedians got their start by challenging femininity too, people like Lucille Ball (who juxtaposed the ideals of homemaking with relentless physical and situational indignity) and Joan Rivers, people that were willing to look ridiculous and self-deprecating (“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”).  That’s because comedy comes from the same place as horror, that place of essential fears and need for catharsis. Was there any other place for female comedy to go? Lucille Ball took a lovingly destructive angle, one that’s maybe more stage three (below) than one. As for Joan Rivers, I don’t know if she ever liked being a woman much, but she was good at hating herself for it. And laughing, more importantly, at the ridiculousness of that hatred. This strain in female comedy has stuck around: think of Liz Lemon under a blanket eating cheese or Amy Schumer’s “I’m a sad slut” schtick.

2. “If it doesn’t, or if I could better contribute in another way, then do I care about having status in a hierarchy that says it does?” (“Do I really care about human flourishing?”)

Female comedy verges into stage two. Stage two is conflict. Stage two stories aren’t made by people that want to punish women/society, they’re composure stories made (usually) by women and for women in order to grapple, rather, with the fear of punishment. Imagine our muttering person suddenly standing up and shouting “I DON’T care about the hierarchy. I’ll do what I LIKE.” Defiance. And then imagine them becoming fearful. “Doing what I like has the best chance of making everyone happy right? So why do I feel miserable? Wasn’t misery the trope I was trying to destroy?”

Bridesmaids (which had the honor of newly convincing us that women can be funny), again, is this. Girls traffics in it as well, as Leslie Jamison describes:

“These days we have a TV show called Girls, about young women who hurt but constantly disclaim their hurting. They fight about rent and boys and betrayal, stolen yogurt and the ways self-​pity structures their lives. ‘You’re a big, ugly wound!’ one yells. The other yells back: ‘No, you’re the wound!’ And so they volley, back and forth: You’re the wound; no, you’re the wound. They know women like to claim monopolies on woundedness, and they call each other out on it.”

Girls, both the characters and the writing itself, are stabbing at being crass, at being superficially elegant, and at being “transcendent,” and seeing what will stick. Girls gets at that intersection of feeling a duty to exorcise fears of being gross, but still wanting to be liked and wanted, and also thinking both of those are such small and unimportant goals in the end.

Caroline Knapp’s famous anorexia memoir Appetites uses the framework of disordered eating to discuss the female relationship to pleasure, denial, and suffering in general. Knapp sums up the twisted heroism of self-denial early on: “Other women might struggle with hunger; I could transcend it”; as in, become more than human in the classic Campbell-ian sense. Because glorifying suffering is seen as poisonous, having control over that suffering feels good, even though it also creates further suffering. Appetites represents how women struggle just before they realize they must “man up.” Writes Jamison: “We want our wounds to speak for themselves, Knapp seems to be saying, but usually we end up having to speak for them.”

People like Beyonce because she is a fantasy of stage two being resolved. Her persona is a fantasy of being sexual/human/regal and yet she feels beyond “having it all” even though she does, in fact, have it all. That’s because Beyonce is charismatic and that is how charismatic people make you feel (liked and okay!), but it is significant that the thing she makes you feel okay about is this modern quandary. You feel permission to partake in the resolution her persona offers. You don’t feel competitive with Beyonce.

Stage two is also where intersectionality becomes thematically salient. The dilemmas of the Heroine’s Journey universalize fairly well, but people (including women) participate in more than one social hierarchy at any given time. It might be hard to justify suffering for the sake of itself, but suffering for the sake of justiceis pretty much the easiest thing to justify there is. The details of one woman’s dilemma will not be the same as another’s; her suffering has different origins and flavors.

3. “If I do care about human flourishing, and I’m going the wrong way about it, then what do I do about that?”

So what do post-Heroine’s Journey stories look like? Stage three is constructive. As Jamison asks “How do we talk about these wounds without glamorizing them? Without corroborating an old mythos that turns female trauma into celestial constellations worthy of worship?” There have been many many stories about women throughout the history of stories that have been much more complex than the Heroine’s Journey, stories where female agency and/or grossness aren’t questioned (I think about classic female “trickster” stories like Scheherazade)…yet as Jamison’s piece and Appetites and all the works I’ve referenced so far demonstrate, somehow the Heroine’s Journey’s values still seem to underlie the choices of women constantly. What this means is that if a story with and about women and heroism doesn’t somehow admit the fear of loss of composure or come to grips with it or feel some way about it, I sometimes wonder if it’s about women at all. Moreover, that task in the third stage of the modern Heroine’s Journey, the task of defining worth, is huge and fascinating. And it is under-utilized.

In a great interview on Playing D&D with Porn Stars, Sarah Horrocks explains why, perhaps unexpectedly, the horror genre is actually one of the greatest genres for female heroism.

“S: Getting pushed to your limits, to the point of hysteria, but still surviving—that you’ve taken this huge weight of the world on you, and like Marilyn Burns in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you’re covered in blood and screaming and laughing—but you’ve somehow come out on top.  I don’t think other genres allow women to be strong, tough, and vulnerable in this way. And I mean there’s just way more movies in the horror genre where the perspective is that of a woman’s.  The slasher flick is not through the killer’s point of view after all, it’s through the woman’s.”

In other words, there’s no room for composure in horror movies. Which means that in them, a female character has the opportunity to be immediately exempt from having to prove that she is some conventional version of dignified in order to be heroic, and is instead forced to admit what she’s made of when that’s stripped away and no one’s looking.

One of the reasons I adore Lyra’s heroic journey in His Dark Materials, is that in spite of it being a very Campbell-style story (mysterious origins, a call to adventure, ad nauseum), Lyra’s girl-ness remains inherent throughout. One of the main arcs of the book begins with her being suspicious of femininity and only trusting male figureheads, and concludes with her accepting that she values wisdom, that the acquisition of wisdom is slow and difficult and that the unflashy female wisdom-seekers she once derided have things to teach her. We don’t want our heroes to be blandly competent, we want them to exist in the same world of difficulty that we exist in, so that they may give us a map for dealing with it. Lyra doesn’t do the Heroine’s Journey, exactly, but perhaps more importantly: she resolves it.

Understanding the Heroine’s Journey is not a replacement for or an improvement on the general writing prescription to “just write women like people.” It’s a hopefully helpful explanation, rather, of one (very important, complex) element of female people-hood. If you want to talk about how a person grapples with their society, look to the cognitive dissonance produced by what society tells them is heroic.

Thanks to Gabriel Duquette for his help in developing some of the ideas in this piece.

[fandomsphere]

So, hi, Emery here! Normally Luci writes our character of the week post, but I’m taking over this week, my friends. And why is that? Because our character of the week is… drumroll please… Nathaniel Kurtzberg! Yay! My fav character!

Nathaniel is the resident emo artist/tomato child of the class. He is quiet and usually lurks in the background. We see several examples of him being a naturally skeptical and untrusting person. He is also passionate when it comes to his crushes and shy about his talents. He has a love for art and when he is not at school we usually see him at the Louvre.

While Nathaniel is not in many episodes, we do find out more about him from the few shining moments he does get.

• Evillustrator- This episode is the first one we get to find out who Nathaniel is and it is also his akumatization episode. Unfortunately, much of the focus of the episode is on Marinette’s issues with Chloe and Sabrina. While, I do love Marinette, I wanted more of the tomato child. In this episode we find out that Nath has a crush on Marinette. (And why not? She is lovely) We also see that while he is akumatized his goals aren’t really villainous. He just wants to go on a date with his crush to celebrate his birthday. It isn’t until that is ruined, that he goes on a murderous rampage. By the end, we discover that his affections have transferred to Ladybug. (Again, why not? She is lovely)

• Rogercop- Here is where we start to see a little of Nath’s persecution complex and in this situation I can’t blame him. Marinette is making the mistake of accusing everyone in class of stealing Chloe’s bracelet in order to prove how ridiculous it is… to accuse everyone of stealing Chloe’s bracelet. Nath is accused because he was sketching the bracelet and predictably he takes offense to this.

• Puppeteer- In this one I don’t think Nath even gets a speaking part but we do see that he hangs out at the Louvre. And we also see that he is one of the three akumas that Marinette has made into dolls. (does Marinette have a secret crush on him? Just kidding, sorry, my fan side believes everyone should love the dear tomato child)

• Reverser- This has got to be my favorite episode. Here we get to see how Nath doesn’t really trust anyone besides Alix. There is some miscommunication between him and Marinette, and Marc ends up being the one who gets hurt. Fortunately, things work out and we get a Nath and Marc partnership to work on their comic book together. And our tomato child and rainbow child live happily ever after!

Spoilers for season 3

• Chameleon- So the last moment I’m going to mention, just because I think it’s kind of important, is that in this episode we never see Nath interacting with Lila and her fan club. I believe this contributes to the characterization of Nath being distrustful of others. Perhaps he’s the only other classmate who sees through the queen of lies?

So, here I am, trying to find a way to end this post. I would really like to write a 100,000 word essay on how awesome Nathanael is but then Luci would just get mad at me. All I’ll say is that while our emo artist/tomato child has flaws, he is also a great character who is good to his friends. He may have problems trusting people but I hope that with the addition of Marc he learns that he can depend on others.

Don’t forget to leave a comment to let us know what character you want to see as character of the week, and until next time, thanks for visiting the FANDOM-sphere!

[tcstu]

May’s Honorable Mentions

I was truly impressed by the variety of unique stories that were created using this month’s piece by @hydraart. First, I would like to thank Virginie Juteau  for allowing me to use another one of his pieces for this contest. I hope anyone who sees this will take a few minutes to read the stories below and appreciate the incredibly different perspectives writers can have on a single piece of art. That is, after all, what this contest is all about.

As a reminder, this digital sketch is titled, “Nightmare Fuel.”

(These entries are presented in the order I received them and do not represent any type of ranking system.)

Untitled

Contributed by: Emily Elizabeth Fowl @emilyelizabethfowl

The darkness held none of its usual comfort.

Instead it resonated with guttural growls following the monsters as they circled their prey. “We shouldn’t have came here!” Derek whispered furiously, correcting his grip on the slipping sword. “Going towards suspicious sounds at night is never a good idea!”

Shane didn’t respond. His eyes were focused on the three beasts and nothing more, his leather gloves squelching loudly.

One of the monsters turned around, snarling at them threateningly before going back to their prey.

“Please, let’s just leave,” Derek took a step back, but the shining orb above their heads didn’t move. Usually having a mage provide the source of the light was advantageous, but not when said mage refused to move.

Neither Shane nor the beasts paid him any mind, instead focusing on the bloodied creature lying in the middle of the clearing.

The mare was clearly dying.

“Monsters,” Shane grunted through clenched teeth. “Murderers.”

The growls rose in volume and frequency.

“Let’s go before they murder us!”

The growls cut off with no warning, as if sliced with a blade. The beasts turned around and left with not a single glance back.

“Come on,” Derek tugged at Shane’s arm. The monsters obviously weren’t going to leave their prey laying in the middle of the forest.

They would come back for it, and Derek wanted to be very far away from the clearing when that happened.

“I will finally avenge my mother,” Shane grunted, ripping his arm out of Derek’s grip. “I’m not going to allow them to continue killing everything in their sight!”

“They didn’t kill you,” a new voice said from behind them.

A witch pushed past them before they could turn back, going straight to the mare.

“And they won’t get another chance!” Shane took a step forward. “I won’t let them-!”

“I’d rather you didn’t kill them.”

That was enough to bring Shane’s temper down somewhat.

“My father saw them kill my mother. And we just saw them kill that mare! Are you saying they shouldn’t pay for their crimes?”

“Did you really?” the witch looked at them and tilted her head, her hand never stopping petting the horse’s mane. “Or is that what you want to believe?”

“We followed the noises and found a bloodied mare being circled by three beasts. What else could it have been?”

“Did you see them attack?”

“No,” Derek offered. “But the mare was dying, we saw its last breath.”

“Or did you?”

The mare’s eyes opened.

Slowly, it stood up, stumbling a little.

It neighed quietly, shook its head and trotted away, leaving only blood and crumpled grass behind.

“But... My mother?”

“Sometimes the wounds are too grave to heal in time,” the witch stood up and dusted off her knees, walking back in the same direction she came from. “But no matter how monstrous they may seem, the unicorns will always try their best to help.”

 Untitled

Contributed by: @shydragonrider

They could smell it, their natural enemy. Its rancid scent filled the nostrils of the collective pack. The Guards hissed in dismay, and circled around the pregnant Queen. A much deeper growl reverberated through the otherwise silent night. Their enemy was still in the shadows, invisible, with its dark hide. The lead guard snarled, and a subordinate reluctantly stepped forward, hissing and whining, another bark from the guard and it lunged into the darkness. There was the sickening sound of flesh ripping, but it was quickly drowned out by a gurgling scream. The scent of blood mingled with the stench of the assailant, the remaining guards readied themselves as the very embodiment of terror stepped into the range of their night vision…

 “On The Back Road, Watch Out For Traffic”

Contributed by: @evanthenerd83

“Don’t worry,” Jeffrey heard his father whisper. “They won’t hurt us.”

The boy sighed, and released his grip on the door handle. He was relieved. And a little embarrassed.

It should’ve been obvious. While they were big, large enough to dwarf the truck, cowhelians were also herbivores. They had no interest in the dealings of humans. A field of bladdelions, maybe.

Fallen tree limbs, sure.

But not a six-year old boy and his father.

“In fact,” his father continued.

Jeffrey could see the creatures in the eerie glow of the headlights, their eyes like moon-dishes, and smiled.

They were chewing.

Staring, dumb and impenetrable.

Just then, a billowing cry split the silence of night. The sound echoed through the darkness. It slipped between the trees. And Jeffrey felt it in his bones.

But the cowhelians felt it in their souls. They stopped chewing. They dropped gnarled twigs and turned away, their great hoofs batting the Earth like a drum. A stampede.

Jeffrey only wished that he could’ve gone with them.

He glared at his father, fully prepared to wring him dry. Why the horn? Why didn’t he just turn the headlights off?

But he stopped.

And he felt that shock from earlier, that fear of teeth and blood and the black sweeping gulfs of death, resurface.

His father had his hands on the wheel.

But not on the horn.

Not on the…

Outside, the sound came, it came close and closer and closer.

The crashing of trees.

 Untitled

Contributed by: @coin-sith

I can hear something in the woods behind my home. It’s been there for days now, a low whining that almost sounds like an engine, or perhaps some strange bird.

But it is not, I know. I have seen them, eyes reflecting the shine of my torch before blinking out of sight again. They slink back into the forest as soon as light touches them, melting back into the darkness like the shreds of a bad dream.

I am not afraid of them. I have sturdy walls and locks on the cat flaps. And afterall, animals are always more afraid of you than you are of them. But I keep a gun beside my bed. Just in case.

Tonight was another such night. The strange whining woke me in the early hours after midnight. Involuntarily, my heart beat faster. They were so quiet. Carefully, I got up from my bed, carefully I tiptoed over to the window, lifting the blends just a crack. Afterall, I wasn’t afraid.

They were stalking around the edge of my barn, sniffing and whining in that awful pitch. Thankfully, I had barred the stable doors that evening, but I could hear the horses shifting nervously in their stalls, even from across the yard. One kicked its walls, and alm the creatures froze. They had this strange way of moving in sync that was incredibly unsettling to watch. But it didn’t scare me.

After a moment, they began moving again, noiseless as ever. The whining seemed to wind to a higher pitch, until one crept forwards from the rest, staring as if inspecting the door.

And then, to my horror, it reared up on its hind-legs and grabbed the heavy beam across the barn doors. Two more came to its aid, and it went thudding to the floor with a dull thump.l, and they went rushing inside.

The first scream unfroze me. I grabbed the gun leaning beside my bed and rushed out of my door towards the stables, hastily loading cartridges. In my mind, the frantic thump of my heart held rythm with my frantic thoughts. They were just animals. They shouldn’t be able to do that. Right?

As I approached the open barn doors, they were there, nearly bowling me over and dragging the limp corpse of a grey colt. For a terrifying moment, I saw sharp fangs in an oddly horse-like face, pale hairless skin, and hands so very like a human’s, before they were past me, leaving only a dark bloody trail leading into the forest.

I was lying when I said I wasn’t afraid.

Untitled

Contributed by: Peculiur @peculiurperennial

"Hey, Lucy? I think I found your horse. Looks like something else might've found it first, though..."

[arkus-rhapsode]

Fairy Tail 100 Years Quest Chapter 12 Review

Oh my god... What the heck is even going on?

So our cover page is Natsu and Lucy, and Natsu I hope you enjoy that brain freeze.

So we open on Jellal confronting Touka. We learn like how Avatar was devoted to black magic there was a group devoted to white magic. Now this is cool, but literally if you watch the anime recently, that arc was done in 5 episodes. So this feels really odd on how much effort is being put into it.

Like if there was like something tying into Tenrou or hell edolas, that make more sense, given all thee time on it.

So Jellal describes White magic as a philosophy of nothingness, which that doesn’t make sense. Fans of yugioh gx might compare this the darkness and light in that series and how darkness led to creation while light was subjugation. But Black magic is clearly about ending life or manipulating life. I guess you could dumb it down to all life, but literal Ankherseram black magic is portrayed as nothing but death. So wouldn’t white be about life? I guess nothingness as life without personality isn’t wrong,  but this feels like a stretch.

Also, Mashima said anyone could learn any type of magic. So why is that an abnormality? Like if this was Black Clover where you are assigned a single affinity that be one thing.

Suddenly Laxus steps in, and want to make this clear. I don’t exactly hate the idea behind this. That Laxus wants to defend someonew ho is a part of his family, given his new found view on FT, and its using the family aspect of FT on its head. Someone bad could be using FT’s family mentality for personal benefit. Which is interesting.

Okay, well Jellal has a reason, she is  suspect and as a guild master he has authority to take her in. However, Laxus you of all people know that people in your guild will still harm it.

On the one hand im torn, the shounen loving half of my brain wants to see this fight. But the logical half says that these two are mature adults with enough common sense to take this to the run knights. And confrontation is over after this page.

Yeah for a chapter named after the two, its got very little to do with theem. Instead.... The worst thing in the chapter happens. We cut to Diablos’ ship and we see this.

Yes you are seeing this right. For people who were saying I was to harsh, calling this a submissive Erza fetish that Mashima is putting out, I ask you read this chapter.

You know I can’t tell if Skullion means this is temporary as in terms of magic, or temporary as Kyria will grow bored, but I do know that this is nothing but sick and tastess. Also props to Madmorel for having some class to be disgusted by the perv in the group. Like that is becoming a rarity these days.

We are guided down to the lower deck where natsu and wendy are being held, the motion sickness keeping them in check.

I’ve been putting this off long enough, its time to rant. This is bull shit. People told me, i was too harsh on mashima, but at the least I thought this was some sort of temporary thing that was meant so Kyria could get a win in a fight, but this might be some permanent magic effect feels disgusting.

Now, people say that this happened cause people would rag on Erza, called Erza fights awful, and that now Mashima is going in the complete opposite dirction. You didn’t like strong erza, fine! Here’s weak Erza, you happy cynics?

But that’s not the case. People didn’t like Erza because she was “too strong” she was someoone who went from this amazing badass female character, to this static friendship speech spewing tool that never truly got any development. Its painful for people to see a character like Erza not grow after she had developed so much in ToH, but it just was never followed through. All the times she won just felt like a poor spectacle without any character behind it.

Now you could say an erza who needs to get her strength back could be character development. No. Cutting away a person’s strength with “magic” is not character development, its forced regression. Its the author literally creating an unrealistic situation bcause he has no idea what to do with her  after ToH, hell he can’t even fully commit to a love story between her and jellal.

When Erza came onto the scene, she was cool, in control, yet could over react at times. To see her be pushed to her lowest by ToH and then recover and face midnight in OS, is peak Erza character shining through. That this is how erza’s development deserved to be treated. But Watching Erza crawl on the ground, be spanked, and cry for mercy like a hentai doll, all because of plot convince magic is so gross to me. Its ejecting the Erza that we all love and stripping her of all that personality just for this.

So if you blame this development on people who were too hard on Mashima about how he was writing Erza, I, a critic and very judgemental person, find this worse than any of the nakama power or skimpy armors.

Erza being trapped in Kyoka’s sex dungeon was bad, but you know what, EErza actievly resisted it. She didn’t want to be there aand tried to fight back. It wasn’t handled well, but that t least felt like whatt her character would do in this situation. But this was forced upon her and this is nothing more than an Erza made for this arc.

Also, lets step out of this and look at this from the meta perspective that this is also extremely lazy. In Eden’s zero there’s a villain who is all about subjugating women right now, and Mashima couldn’t be bothered to not let that bleeed into his other work. If that doesn’t scream creately lazy, than I don’t know what will. Also that frog thing in Eden’s zero is actuaally better giveen the fact he’s not mind bending away personality, he’s forcibly turning them in statues to do with what he pleases against their will.

Im not saying this cause im anti ecchi or that im anti  mashima, im anti such a hack story writting device that weather you stuck it out as a fan of erza’s till the end of FT or liked her at first but than soured on her, I ask, would you tolerate this? I’m not claiming ownership of the character of Erza, but I am asking do you think that this is worth a character arc because our author couldn’t think of anything better to do with her. You know if you knew Erza was so strong,Ad that in actuality she would sweep away most threats, why did you bring her? I honestly would’ve preferred Jellal and Erza being out of the action cause they had a kid or something. Erza having to pick between biological family and her guild family seems like a better direction to take her character in than this.

To see Erza cry because someone’s magic made her into a slave is so lacking in power than say the sheer emotional weight of watching simon die. Like this is shit is just awful.

We cut to Luccy and here is where I get to credit thee art. Sure Lucy is in a bikini, but what matters in frame is the wounds on her legs. Which is a nice us of having aa skimpy dress and not sexualizing it.

We get a flashback of Lucy realizing Kyriaa took her friends and this is where I give Caramille a big fuck you. Oh sure, this did happen after they showed up, but Diabolos clearly was going to find the place eventually and more importantly, you did fuck all. Like, go screw cause you have contributed literally nothing.

We find out that there is another ship in the area and that Gray is okay because he was saved by you can guess who...

Okay on the one hand, this definitely seems like Brandish’s kind of entrance, but on the other. Fuck you, Hiro. Like she just passed by and saved Gray? Hw? The entire ocean was either freezing or evaporating, what is your range? Also, who is in charge of Alverez? Yajeel? Oi...

Post Chapter Follow up: Its easy to say why I don’t like this chapter. I feel so sick by the sheer amount of laziness and disgust in the slave Erza plot. Like, my god this is so wrong. Not because of the subject, human slavery makes sense in a series aimed at teenagers, but the sheer disrespect that Hiro treated this character, made my blood boil. At the very least in Alvarez, Erza still seemed like she was the same character from beginning of the series.

People who follow me weekly on this review series are probably going to ask when I will stop harping on this Erza thing. Well each week, it  somehow get worse and more gross.  First time it felt like a cheap win, second it was bad use of domination, now this is full blown fetish material.

As for the brandish thing, I know why she is here, Lucy is literally not strong enough to handle 3 DE’s by herself with a few exceeds, and I’d accept that Brandish reentering the series. But maybe leave out Gray? I guess you could say that this is a subversion of the Musica captured by Doryu, but this feels lazier. You could’ve just made this a big “step up Lucy plot,” but no, had to save Gray, even though Skullion should’ve notice when his magic didn’t actually ash up Gray. Plus think about, if they save save Natsu and Wendy this arc and beat these three dragon eaters, wouldn’t some added bit of tension to the quest be finding diablos’s hideout and saving Gray from the “dinner table?”And I was cool with the kidnapped gray thing, but no, we had to have kidnapped everyone else.Also if he was made small how did he survive the water? Like he’s the size of a pin, he’d drown.

Now the stuff with Laxus and Jellal is actually fairly good Its an interesting take on FTs standards vs the consequences of their past when we are suppose to be rooting for Touka to be extracted. And involving two characters that really have been in the moral gray spectrum make them the most qualified for this subject matter. While i definitely didn’t like the Touka plot at first from how disconnected it was from everything (and it really is kinda shoed in on this point) it still is the more interesting plot. It has more intresting ideas than, “more dragons” and is involving the characters that come off as the most interesting.

Final Verdict: 3/10

There is clearly some interesting idea at work here

However, the way the plotline for the dragon portion of this arc has become a mess

I don’t use this phrase lightly, “Erza literally deserves better than this”

Plot convince playhouse at its finest

[spotsandsocks]

Like Lovers Do

14.4K Mature

Cover art by @ronordmann

Chim shrugs an apology as he makes a quick exit from the table and the situation he just created with a casual comment. Buck consoles himself with the fact that at least he looks a little sorry this time, not like the last time he dropped Buck in it over this particular mistake. 

The atmosphere around the table had taken a sharp left turn into awkward when Chimney had  jokingly referenced Buck’s brief and unfortunate liaison with the blonde currently laughing with Hen on the other side of the room. 

Buck silently curses as Eddie stares him down from the opposite side of the table.

Chim’s long gone, he abandoned the situation the second he realised Eddie hadn’t known about the kiss, so now Buck’s all alone with his best friend; usually he likes being alone with Eddie but this is definitely not his idea of a good time. 

Eddie’s looking at him with his lips pursed and eyebrows raised. It’s obvious he has questions about this new piece of information. Buck squirms under the scrutiny. He’d rather be anywhere else right now. 

In a cool voice the questioning starts; “You kissed Lucy? You never told me that.”

That’s true he hadn’t told him. Buck had kind of been hoping Eddie would never have to find out because he’s not proud of that particular moment. 

It was a mistake, such a huge mistake, one he preferred not to think about. He’d never cheated before, had always hated the concept and he knows he never would again. Buck had spent weeks trying to work out why he’d let it happen, why he’d kissed back, then kissed again. Even now he hates thinking about it although at least now he understands the why a bit more than he had then. 

Being back in therapy will do that. Over the last year, longer really  things had gotten pretty mixed up and dark in his head.  He’d hardly noticed the spiral downwards, it had been so slow and steady, it had just become normal for him to feel that way. He hadn’t noticed but Eddie had. 

He’d laugh if it was funny; as Eddie had worked through his issues and found his balance Buck had lost his, but Eddie had seen him, noticed what was happening and been there to steady him when he tripped and stumbled.

When things got really bad, the cumulative effects of so many parts of his life, Eddie had gently suggested Buck start talking to a therapist again. Eddie’s apparently a big fan of therapy these days. 

So he had and now he’s spent a fair number of hours talking about all the things that pull at his heart and twist his thoughts and some of those things definitely contributed to the moment that Eddie’s only just found out about. 

His best friend knows a lot about him but he doesn't know everything, god no, not everything. The kiss is only one of the things he’s been keeping to himself. 

Eddie’s still waiting for details and he doesn’t look very impressed with the delay. Unable to see an escape Buck plunges in with the truth.

“It, it was just a stupid thing I did.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, Buck knows what he’s doing and falls for it anyway, he fills the gap with more words, desperate to avoid the silence.

“I was just embarrassed to tell you, you know, because of all the stupid. It wasn’t like I was deliberately not, not telling you.”

It totally was.

“it just didn’t come up.” 

Eddie frowns “Why’d you do it?”

That’s a big question and the answer is more complicated than he wants to get into with the man opposite him. He goes with half an answer, half the truth, the parts that can safely be shared.

Avoiding Eddie’s eyes he explains the best he can “I was unhappy with Taylor.” 

He doesn’t add the rest - because I wasn’t in love with her, I was just clinging to an illusion. Taylor had been another mistake he made. He knows more about that choice as well now.

“and I was drunk” 

Eddie pulls a face, eyebrows shooting up even higher.

“Neither one is an excuse” he adds quickly “I know that.”

“When?”

He fudges that with “a while ago,” and a quieter,  “when you were at dispatch”.

That’s all he’s going to say because the rest of the answer he needs to keep to himself. Eddie can’t know about all of it. They can’t talk about that. 

Weeks of therapy have let Buck see what else played a part in his monumentally stupid decision that evening and he can hardly tell Eddie what he’s worked out. 

No - he can’t imagine a universe where he drops that particular bombshell on his friend.  As if he could just sit down next to Eddie and casually say, ‘hey, did you know I kissed Lucy once and guess what… I’ve worked out that I did it because I was miserable with Taylor and without you. I did it because you told me to move on and didn’t show up that night, because you left me behind and I didn’t know what to do with that feeling.

And the real kicker; his biggest secret, the root of the problem, the thing that they don’t (can’t?) talk about, the thing that laid the first stone in the path to his poor choices.

Well, how is he supposed to explain that, can he say ‘oh yeah and one more thing; you got shot in front of me and it changed me. I had your blood on my face, on my lips and I can still taste it. 

No, he can hardly say that, he can’t say ‘I didn’t know what to do with my feelings about you nearly dying so I kissed Taylor to chase away the taste of your blood and when that didn’t work I kissed Lucy too.’

Not that it was Eddie’s fault, of course it wasn’t, what’s happened in his love life was all firmly on him but he understands the path that led him there so much better now. 

It’s a path scattered with all his unspoken feelings for the man in front of him. The man he’s in love with and can never have, can never tell those truths to.

Buck knows all that now because, you know, therapy, but he’d known it then too on some level, just buried it so deep he didn’t have to think about it.

He thinks about it now, all the time, and sometimes he wonders  if it was better when he didn’t know.

So no he’s not saying any of that, those facts he keeps to himself because he’s learnt.

Buck’s quite proud of himself he may be slow but he can recognise a stupid decision now and sharing all that with Eddie would be a phenomenally dumb idea. He’s talking about it with his therapist and that’s good enough. True she has suggested he talk to Eddie about some of it but that was just a suggestion and that means he doesn’t actually have to do it.

Buck risks another look at his favourite face in the world. It’s not looking good for him right now. Eddie finally knows about the kiss and he doesn’t look any happier than he had a moment ago. 

In fact he may look even grumpier than he did at the start of the conversation, Buck studies his face again, actually, what Eddie looks is pissed off. 

Ok, so that’s probably because he’s annoyed that he’s the last to know, Buck gets that but he had been hoping for a little more understanding if Eddie ever found out, not judgey eyes. As far as Buck can tell there’s no reason for him to be looking like that. 

He tries an apology to see if that improves the sour expression currently occupying Eddie’s face.

“Look I’m sorry I never said anything about it but honestly it meant less than nothing. I can hardly even remember it.” That’s true because he had been spectacularly drunk. 

Eddie keeps his frown a moment longer then he wipes the expression off his face. He changes the subject completely and starts a new conversation about a school trip Christopher has coming up. They talk about that for a while, then Eddie leaves because has to ‘go and do something’ an oddly unspecific activity that Buck’s highly dubious actually exists. 

He disappears and Buck’s left with an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach that something isn’t right between them. That feeling only grows when for  the rest of the shift he hardly sees Eddie at all, well he hardly sees his face, he sees the back of him a fair bit. The other man seems to be leaving every time Buck turns up. 

Buck’s not fooled, it’s perfectly obvious Eddie’s still pissed at Buck. He’s just not exactly sure why.  

He tolerates Eddie’s mood, trying to work out exactly what’s annoyed his friend the most, is it that he’s the last to know, or maybe it’s that Buck hadn’t volunteered the information like a friend should? Eddie could just be disappointed in him, after all Buck is disappointed in himself, he still cringes every time he thinks about it. 

He spends ages trying to work it out and eventually decides to confront Eddie. He finds his opportunity an hour before the shift ends and pounces unseen from the spot he’s been lurking in.

“Hey Eddie.”

His friend startles then goes tense, eyes looking for an exit but there’s no quick escape for him this time. Buck’s planned this carefully. Eddie's expression shifts from startled to another one he recognises; it’s one of his fake ones, it’s the I’m going to be polite to you even if it kills me face.

“I feel like I’ve upset you”  Buck gets straight to the point - see therapy works.

Eddie scoffs but won’t look him in the eye. 

“No man, we’re, we’re good.”

“Really? ‘cos you’ve been off with me all shift, ever since you found out about me and Lucy” 

There it is, out in the world. 

Eddie's expression flickers at ‘me and Lucy’ and then he gives him a smile that goes nowhere near his eyes before assuring him he’s wrong.

“Buck, I have no feelings about that, why would I?”  Buck stares and when Eddie meets his gaze with a fleeting glance he thinks he detects a slight flush to his cheeks. 

Eddie walks away quickly, tossing back a breezy “relax, you're worrying about nothing.”

Buck watches him go, studying the tense line of his friend’s shoulders and knows that he’s not.

The last hour of the shift drags so he has more time to think. It’s not until he notices Eddie surreptitiously watching Lucy as she crosses the room to come talk to him that he works it out. By the time Lucy’s at his side and asking Buck about that show they both watch Eddie’s jaw is set and his eyes are cloudy. 

So Buck prides himself on knowing Eddie well, on being able to read his moods, all his faces and he’s only seen that expression a handful of times. There’s no mistaking how Eddie feels about Lucy and Buck standing so close together and talking. 

He considers the clues he’s gathered. No matter what he’d said earlier Eddie had definitely not been happy to hear Buck and Lucy had kissed. He's obviously upset with Buck and he’s not happy to see him talking to Lucy now.

He can’t work it out, to be honest he thinks Eddie’s disproportionately upset after all it wasn’t Eddie he had cheated on. 

So the question is why, why would it matter to Eddie so much that Buck and Lucy kissed. No one else cares not even him or Lucy, Buck wracks his brain to come up with the answer and then like a flash of lightning it hits him. God he’s an idiot, it’s so obvious. 

Eddie likes Lucy.

continue on AO3

Tagging a few people who’ve shown an interest or liked snippets from this so you know it’s finished @imsupposedtobewritting @loveyourownsmiilee @elvensorceress @jacksadventuresinwriting @the-likesofus @blaidddrwg1982 @weewootruck @ekstasisandangst-main @barzy90 @blackberry-I @brah3280 @buckaroodiaz @swiftiebuckleyhan @rogerzsteven

[jbaiata]

The making of “The Ballad of Charlie and Grace”

Stephen Hawking once famously observed that even those who believe everything in life is predestined look both ways before crossing the street.  And while I don’t believe the arc of our lives is entirely predetermined, I do think it is contingent on us to be open enough to recognize seemingly chance encounters for what they are: opportunities. Or, as Jackson Browne more eloquently puts it: “Pay attention to the open sky/you never know what will be coming down.”

In April of 2016 I was presented with an amazing opportunity: to give voice to a story that was just begging to be told.  Each year I volunteer for a fundraiser in Ridgewood, NJ - Saylestock, to benefit The Matt Sayles Foundation for Salivary Gland Cancer.  It’s an inspiring day - an all day music and arts festival that inevitably creates some magic moments for organizers and attendees alike.  Toward the end of the day I was approached by a town resident and asked about the origins of the fundraiser. I told her how Dave and Kathy Sayles had turned the most convulsive, painful event of their lives - the death of their young son to a rare cancer - into an urgent, vital cause.  That resident, Lisa Paterson, could unfortunately relate.  We fell into an hour long conversation, and Lisa bared her soul to someone who had been a complete stranger to her  moments before.  

Widowed on 9/11 when her husband Steven was among those murdered by the terrorists, Lisa was left to raise her twin four year-old’s, Lucy and Wyatt, alone. And to work through her own searing grief while trying to ensure her children did not become collateral damage to the worst terrorist attack in our country’s history. She endured a Sisyphean, near decade-long struggle to get Wyatt, who is developmentally disabled, to accept that his father was gone.  I was incredibly moved, and determined that the story needed to reach a much wider audience.

While driving down to Philadelphia the next morning, I was fixated on two things. The first was the conversation with Lisa, and replaying in my mind something she had recounted about Wyatt’s finally turning the corner.  She’d found a working farm the then teenaged Wyatt had really taken to, and when asked why he liked it so much, he’d replied “Daddy’s in the sky there.”  The second was how much I’d thoroughly enjoyed one band in particular - a self-described “funk, soul, jazz and rock fusion” outfit that I wanted to see again.  What the hell was their name? I had thrown one of the Saylestock handout brochures into my work bag, and quickly pulled it out. Ho-lee shit. “SkyDaddy.” The name of the freaking band was SkyDaddy!  

Photo: Lisa Paterson (second from left) poses with the band SkyDaddy and a friend. Credit: John Baiata

In that moment, chance encounter begat providence.  Lisa and I began a long series of spoken and written conversations that, half a year later, culminated in this story, and a second on “NBC Nightly News.”  Lisa was a completely open book, confiding her private pain and doubts, and granting me access to those who knew her best. She invited me out to Wyatt’s farm to spend the day there.  I interviewed  Wyatt’s longtime doctor. I interviewed Lisa’s therapist.  But it was a conversation with Lisa’s exceptional daughter, Lucy, that would eventually birth “The Ballad of Charlie and Grace.”

Lisa had shared with me the extraordinary, lifelong bond Lucy and Wyatt had developed, and even credited Wyatt with saving Lucy’s life as an infant. Lucy was failing to thrive, in trouble, and nothing the doctors had tried was working.  It was only after Wyatt was laid beside his sister in the NICU that Lucy began to respond.  Still, speaking at length with Lucy directly was revelatory.  I came away with a much clearer understanding of the “two unique souls united by birth” dynamic associated with twins in general, with an even deeper appreciation of the lifelong, unbreakable bond Lucy and Wyatt has forged - and with the inspiration for a song.

Photo: An infant and endangered Lucy Paterson . Credit: Paterson family. 

I’ve been writing song lyrics since I was a teenager. To see the vast majority of them is to understand just how difficult good songwriting is. In each case, I set out to write about a specific subject. I wrote the lyrics.  This will inevitably sound cliche` but I can think of no other way to describe it: for the first time, with “The Ballad of Charlie and Grace,” the lyrics wrote me.  They started coming to me in the days after that phone interview with Lucy, and kept up a steady patter in my brain until I finally reached for a notebook beside my bed, and began to capture the voices in my head. 

Wyatt and Lucy became Charlie and Grace.  I cribbed Charlie’s name from Charlie Greene, an outstanding young man who had also lost his father in the 9/11 attacks. I’d gotten the chance to work with Charlie in the summer of 2011, and had recently introduced him to Lucy.  I cribbed Grace’s name from John Newton, the poet and clergyman who wrote “Amazing Grace” a hundred and forty years ago.  In all, the lyrics contain references to fifteen other songs, and eight bible verses. (If you’d like to see how many you recognize or are just a glutton for punishment, they are all annotated at the end of this blog.)  Once finished, I had a thought I’d never conjured before about lyrics I’d written: “These don’t suck.”  

I shared the lyrics initially only with Lisa, a fellow music nut like me, and with my wife Anna.  Encouraged by their enthusiastic responses, I made my best decision yet, and shared them with my cousin Flynn - along with the story I’d written about Lisa, Lucy and Wyatt for context.   

Photo: Wyatt and Lucy Paterson today. Credit: Paterson family.

My wife Anna has long pondered how to leverage all the music trivia in my brain for financial gain, and I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about music in general.  But Flynn (That’s his full, legal name) is an actual musician, and someone whom I’ve always looked up to. Music has long been the common thread between us.  As teenagers I was enthralled listening to his takes on local rock heroes the Stray Cats, and many others.  As adults he would often invite me on Friday nights to come sing and play a little percussion with a small group of his musician friends. Nothing serious - “basement band” stuff.  But it meant a lot that a group of musicians whose talent level far exceeded my own would include me.  Since moving to southern Florida, Flynn has played extensively and cultivated an impressive network of musician friends in the area. He plays guitar beautifully, writes and records, and has notebooks filled with original lyrics of his own. And so when he got back to me, I was not quite prepared for his reaction.  

It was beyond encouraging.  He was effusive in his praise, and inspired by the story behind the lyrics. Flynn became the driving force behind the project. It took more than two years to bring to fruition, and in all that time his north star for it was clear-eyed. He wanted to give the lyrics a musical home to be proud of, for sure, but more than anything he was driven by his heart, and by doing something special for the Paterson family. Without his recruiting and wrangling of musical contributors, his booking of studio times and overseeing sessions, the steady stream of ideas and feedback he ran by me, this song would not exist.  I am grateful beyond words.

In February of 2018 Flynn and I went into Rain Cat Recordings in Jensen Beach, Florida to lay down the first and most important building block of the song, a gorgeous guitar track that he had written to accompany the lyrics. We had home field advantage. The wizards behind Rain Cat, Jeff Coulter and Bryan Lamar, were well acquainted with Flynn. Having been briefed on the project’s origins in advance, they were happy to get involved. 

Photo: Flynn working the guitar track at Rain Cat Recordings

Flynn had recorded a scratch vocal track that day as well, but it was a placeholder until we could identify a vocalist. He offered up a wide array of vocalists he knew and could approach - men and women.  I felt strongly that it should be a woman, as the chorus is sung from Grace’s first person point of view.  In the end we decided to try and recruit Summer Gill for the project. I confided in Flynn that I’d kept a running list in my head for years of my own “heavenly choir,” the voices I would choose to sing me home when my time came: Mavis Staples, Emmy Lou Harris, Aretha Franklin, Linda Ronstadt and Alicia Keys. Summer’s voice moved me in the same way those others did, wringing emotion from every verse. I had my doubts that we could get her onboard.  She was gigging constantly in support of her latest EP, working on songs for her next one, and our little song seemed a trifle by comparison.  And so we were both thrilled when Flynn reported back that she’d readily agreed to work with us - and all the more so upon hearing her evocative vocal. 

Photo: Summer Gill during one of our sessions at Rain Cat Recordings  

Along the way there were plenty of setbacks. While at Rain Cat with Summer during the first session to record the vocal track, Flynn got word that his Mom had passed.  Another session was scuttled last minute after Summer was involved in a car accident. Some musicians proved more difficult to schedule than others, and a good chunk of time was lost trying to schedule one in particular.   

That disappointment was more than made up for by the contributions of Adam Emanuel, a multi-talented musician who, in Flynn’s words, was “all in from the beginning.”  From Adam we got a vital piano track; one he tinkered with and improved over several sessions. Adam also gave life to Flynn’s vision for a “sweetener” track.  After considering a couple of other paths  - a pedal steel guitar? Nah. Flute? Nope - Adam came up with the synth strings that really enhanced the song’s emotional resonance.       

Photo: Adam Emanuel laying down the piano track at Rain Cat Recordings

And then there’s the guys behind Rain Cat, Jeff and Bryan.  It’s no given that artists who are really good at making music are experts at mixing it, and these guys are both. They also support their artists out in the community, and have developed a fiercely loyal client base because of it. It’s got to be all kinds of cool to be in the business of bringing others’ musical visions to life. Serious respect for these guys.  

Photo: Jeff Coulter and Bryan Lamar. Courtesy: Rain Cat Recordings 

Throughout the process, Flynn and I engaged in a grand jury level of secrecy, so as not to spoil the eventual reveal to Lisa and Wyatt. Lucy, however, was conscripted as a necessary co-conspirator.  Her first reaction to the lyrics she helped inspire was moving and heartfelt:

“I had to take a step back from the computer in order to compose myself... Thank you so very much for depicting my family’s story, specifically mine, in such a poetic and gorgeously bittersweet way.”

Her words also further incentivized us to finish. Lucy was responsible for gathering the bulk of the family photos that helped imbue the lyrics video with the personalized look her family’s remarkable story deserves.  Finally, a big shout out to my daughter Alexa for her time and help editing the video.    

The song is available on Apple Music, Google Play & Youtube Music, Amazon, Pandora, Tidal, Napster, iHeart Radio, etc  Any proceeds from the song are going to help support Wyatt’s farm. You can also make a direct donation. 

Thanks for reading this far, but I am reminded that where words fail, music speaks.  I hope “The Ballad of Charlie and Grace” speaks to you.  Click here for a listen. 

“The Ballad of Charlie and Grace”

One mother, two cords, one shared space

Brother and sister, Charlie and Grace

Grace soon fell ill, her parents dismayed

But grew strong once Charlie’s sweet head was laid

Beside her own on the pillowcase  

The first time he started

amazing Grace

“The boy’s not right,” they said. “His mind’s addled.”

Grace took up armor, prepared for battle

Be not afraid, her flag unfurled

Then had a thought that could change the world

In Charlie, redemption she could see and taste

And he’d only begun  

amazing Grace

 (spoken) And she sang:

He showed me the roll in the hills, a bird on the wing

A little bit of beauty in everything

The life in the day, the call in the breeze

Lucy in the sky, the magic in believe

Far too young when their daddy was taken

Charlie sat and wailed, “Why have you forsaken me?”

Grace took up his battle cry

While Charlie paid attention to the open sky

And blessings from space

And he carried on

amazing Grace

 Charlie grew up to work the land

Planting seed written in the palm of his hands  

And Charlie taught Grace to sow some seeds of her own

How some will grow, some you just call a loan

To tend to your gardens where the land is laid waste  

And he never failed at

amazing Grace

He showed me the roll in the hills, a bird on the wing

A little bit of beauty in everything

The spirit in the sky, sorrow in the fountain

Smoke on the water, and fire on the mountain

Charlie grew frail, his head a crown of splendor

Grace held firm; a loss she thought might end her

But Charlie’s voice rose in song she could believe

How sweet the sound, her fears relieved

And even as the light fell from his face

He never once stopped

amazing Grace

He just might have saved her from going under

Charlie boy, the boy wonder

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Source material/references for “The Ballad of Charlie and Grace”:

“Amazing Grace,” John Newton

“For a Dancer,” Jackson Browne

“Fountain of Sorrow,” Jackson Browne

“Call it a Loan,” Jackson Browne

“Grace,” U2

“Fire on the Mountain,” The Grateful Dead

“Spirit in the Sky,” Norman Greenbaum

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” The Beatles

“A Day in the Life,” The Beatles

“Call Me the Breeze,” Lynard Skynard

“Do You Believe in Magic?” The Lovin’ Spoonful

“A Man Who Was Gonna Die Young,” Eric Church

“Me and Charlie Talking,” Miranda Lambert

“Away in a Manger” Charles Gabriel

Psalm 40/U2’s “40” “He set my feet upon a rock, and held my footsteps firm.”

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will hold you with my righteous right hand.”

Matthew 27:46 “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Ephesians 6:13 “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.”

Proverbs 16:31 Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness

Isaiah 49:16 ”See,  I have written your name in the palm of my hands.”

Psalm 34:8 “Taste and see the Lord is good, blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Ezekial 36:35 “They will say ‘This land that was laid waste has become like the garden of Eden; the cities that were lying in ruins, desolate and destroyed, are now fortified and inhabited.”

[rustandruin]

🌸🌼 I think this fandom could do with some positivity so if you want to, why dont you pick 3 (or more) people that you dont normally talk to or havent talked to in a while and tell me one thing you like about them? Or if you feel uneasy about talking to new people just pick people you know better :) Then send this message to at least 5 other blogs that you like to keep this game up! 🌼🌸

Hey Lucy! 

Sorry it’s taken me forever to get to this lovely ask. It’s just my ask answering anxiety was at an all-time high. First up, I just want to say that I’ve had a lovely fandom experience and that everyone I talk to (including you!) or have talked to has been really fun and a complete blast, but I want to showcase the folk down below because they’ve all enriched my life a little extra. 

Under a cut to spare you all my emotional ramblings. Apologies to anyone on mobile. 

@omarandjohnny Jonathan continues to be a complete and utter inspiration. He’s so insanely positive and supportive while continuing to love Halloween and monsters at a full 100%. It reminds me that growing up doesn’t mean leaving behind these things that I’ve loved all my life.  

@howellobrien Life can be shitty and your brain can be hard on you, but Holly is just out here spreading joy and positivity as much as she can, which is really how it should work. 

@searhythm I wouldn’t have really even begun to start writing, let alone contributing to fandom if it wasn’t for Mow’s spectacular energy. She’s given me the gift of confidence, laughter, dog photos, and perhaps, most importantly, encouraging me to be easier on myself, which, I really am not. I’m going to make you write that fic you’ve planned if it’s the last thing I do, because we all deserve that kind of goodness in our lives. (She’s also the reason why I spell rhythm correctly now.)

@blondhairedking Gemma is an utter ball of sunshine who doesn’t realise how talented she is, and I’m perfectly happy to volunteer as tribute to make that happen whenever she needs because the world needs more people like that. 

@getyourfaceoutofmyface Shauna has such a remarkably positive energy. I’m so excited to get to know her and read more of her writing. If you need someone to pick you up when your brain is at it’s most finicky, may I suggest her? Because my goodness is she one hell of a cheerleader. 

@robronsnuggles My amazing big bang artist. I’m eternally grateful they chose me but that they’ve also been so kind and patient while bringing my vision to life. I can safely say they’ve made me cry with their talent. I would also carry them to the very depths of Mount Doom if they ever asked. 

@notforonesecond Rach won’t see this but you guys need to know how hard she worked on her big bang, and how utterly patient and supportive she’s been with mine. More than that, she’s had to deal with so many stupid jokes, my insane ramblings, and a whole host of memes that one person shouldn’t be subjected to. I’m so glad we got to work together, but also to get to know her. 

@thesnowyswan Rae is a fount of wisdom, advice, and more importantly, very cool stories about dragons that I didn’t know about previously. Her writing is a constant inspiration and all sort of #goals, but I’m a bigger fan of Rae the person and everything I learn simply by speaking with her. I’ve become a better more ambitious creator, and just a more thoughtful person, and that is in some part, down to her. 

@persiflager I have a million and one theories about things at any given time, and Pers here is such an absolute blast to discuss them with. I love her deep cover knowledge of Emmerdale’s history. I learn so much and it just adds to the joy of speculating, and my enjoyment of the show. More than that, I’m just very, very grateful for all the advice she’s given me. I’ve become a better writer and beta just by association. 12/10. Highly recommend friendship. 

@illgetmerope Anna, where do I even begin? Like everyone else on this list, your talent is only superceded by the amazing person you are. You’re a constant inspiration with not only your attitude towards your art (because that is what it is), but just your general interests and the life you lead and the way you make everyone around you feel happy and special. If your lucky students feel even a ¼ of that, they’re the luckiest kids on the planet. If the universe ever does see fit to let us meet in person, just know I won’t be able to handle it. 

@whatdiknow  Oh, Marj. What don’t I adore about you? You’re wise, kind, understanding, endlessly patient, but most importantly, incredibly funny, with a wonderful capacity to indulge in silliness (especially with yours truly). Your dry sense of humour cracks me up regularly, as do your very astute observations. Do I deserve your friendship? Nah. Do I cherish it? Yes.  

@letthebluerain  Emma. There is so much I admire about you that I would need a whole other post, but I’m going to focus on all the things that give me the most joy. You’re so smart and incredibly funny, with solid, solid advice. But you’re also super silly, very encouraging, and secretly creative. I love all our conversations and the ideas they inspire, mostly though, I’m just proud I get to call you a friend. 

[everydayanth]

Disaster-Movie Children -_-

Let’s talk about them! And why do they suck?

I was watching the new Netflix movie Extinction because the basic plot that I got from the trailer seemed interesting - in an attempt to balance strained family relationships, a hard-working man ignores his PTSD-nightmares about a trauma that hasn’t happened yet, but then it does. 

Kind of like Arrival, these alien-invasion/mixed-timeline disaster movies often utilize extremely controversial anthropological theories to base the “problem” part of the story on, so I tend to hate them, but find myself watching them to reanalyze my understanding of the debates being tossed around in academia.

Like Arrival’s use of linguistic determinism and application to the classic sci-fi invasion plot. (Currently available on Amazon Prime if you wanna talk about it with me ;P)

Anyway, no spoilers, but I got real fed up with the children in Extinction right quick. I’m at 40:02 and I hate them. They are just so conventionally unrealistic. And this frustration got me thinking about a bunch of things - does how we portray our children in disaster movies reflect what we think about them? Are there common themes that can be gathered from the child-representation from many movies? I don’t watch enough to feel confident in this, but, from the few I have seen: obnoxiously unable to cope, devoid of instinct or rationale, and unadaptably stupid all come to mind, along with lacking a personality beyond being the “innocence” the protagonist attempts to save or protect - the children are almost always McGuffins, ugh. 

These questions reminded me of a post-grad dissertation I edited for an archaeology friend of mine way back in 2012, which was about progressivist psychology and expectations of modern archaeologist that has created an astonishingly false narrative of the human past by ignoring or, more commonly, accidentally overlooking the archaeological contributions of women and children. That is to say that artifacts were regularly attributed to adult males without any evidence for or against such an assumption (buttons, teeth, socks, calendars, etc.) and she was using some applications of modern psychology in an attempt to address why that is (progressivism and lack of diversity/culture-training of archaeologists), as well as how to implement teaching tools and techniques to minimize these false assumptions. 

But here we are in 2018, still portraying children as lacking anything resembling a personhood, existing for the sole purpose of parental struggle. Is this a reflection of society or just a bad film? 

I love the Norwegian disaster film The Wave, it’s one of my favourites. The characters are generally all somewhat rounded with at least more than one dimension, the mother is struggling to survive as much as the father - he is no saviour here, he is more of the helper, an equal partner in the survival of the family unit, and so are the children! We see peripheral characters come together to help one another, and death to some of the side characters that do or don’t matter (and also I’m learning Norwegian and the dialogue was simple enough to follow, if it was in my native language, I doubt I’d find it as stimulating lol). 

Extinction, so far (still at the 40:00), has shown a few of these somewhat balancing traits - the father fights off the alien, but the mother saves him by killing it (not important, really), the mom protects one child while the fathers go off to find another - and we don’t see competition between them, but cooperation, which is a nice switch-up, but the kids are so freakin’ dumb that their mother is relegated to herding them constantly. The mothers in disaster movies have been taking more of a part in the survival of the family unit, but are quickly distracted by unreasonable children while the father saves the day, we also see this in the recent film No Escape, which has a whole slew of other problems I don’t have time to get into (side note: why is the dumb kid always a Lucy? Is this some inverted Narnia shit or what?).

The problem with the portrayal of dumb children in disaster movies (beyond the unfair reduction of a person to a plot device), is that it reduces the caretaker’s role to mitigating impending disaster. That caretaker, who is almost always the female or the mother in American films (yeah, they’re different, sometimes the mother is a horrible person who dies and our like, totally awesome white female protagonist adopts the neglected child, but there was diversity, so... that one’s Ocean’s Rising if you wanna have a look, also, I’m starting to think I have much more experience with disaster movies that I realized, I’d like to thank the rise of teen-dystopians in the early 00′s) is put in constant position of guarding the briefcase, just in this case, it’s a child. Perhaps I’m only watching the bad movies because I’m a chicken and the good ones freak me out, but South Korea has given us Train to Busan and The Flu with male caretakers, and they were both incredible!

In our American films, however, it seems the mom/female caretaker is rarely contributing to the overall survival of the group, she’s the emotional support to the male, sure, but she’s not coming up with solutions and working out the best plan, nah, that’s a man’s job, because she has to make up for her stupid kids’ mistakes or lack of cooperation. Whoever made this movie has never seen a child in crisis, they are so resilient and capable of adaption. Journey to the Center of the Earth may be an off-genre comparison, but one of my favourite things is that the kid, Sean, gets separated and totally gets himself closer to where he needs to be, the female lead, Hannah, has a moment with Brendan Fraser, but he needs to go after the kid, and she’s not going to die waiting for them, so they go opposite ways, and if they hadn’t, we are lead to assume they’d be dead, this is further emphasized in the film by their initial counting of who saved whom and end decision on it not mattering, which may be an allusion to relationships, or else to the male-saviour trope. In the end, it’s Sean who ultimately “saves” them after they’re out of mortal peril, with his wisely-collected bag of gemstones. He had agency in the film, and while it’s not the most correlated example and probably a bit of a fallacy, I just want to know why disaster-movie kids are so... bad. 

There are hundreds of theories that could be applied to Extinction’s portrayal of children in a pop-culture-disaster film (though it only has a 5.8/10 on IMDB and a 4/10 on Rotten Tomatoes, so can it even be considered as a representation?), from portrayal of gender roles (especially given the 50s/60s influence on fashion and society portrayed cinematically, like it was trying to be an updated 1984), to the insinuation of childhood, to the paternalism of the adults, or even the lack of identity/agency of the children. Were all the girls meant to be interchangeable? Why is it never a little boy? Are they not innocent enough to protect? *sigh*

But ultimately, my purpose in writing this post, beyond the fun of applying anthropology theories to films and finding that they often cherry-pick on the bad ones (lookin’ at you Mermaids by Animal Planet and your Water-Ape nonsense), was really to point out that when I got frustrated enough to google “why are movie kids so dumb,” Extinction was the first result, and I had a good laugh and then checked my anthropology at the door, because clearly not enough people thought this film a good enough representation of culture to interpret any further meaning from it. 

And that was my lesson for today - not everything is bad anthropology, sometimes it’s just bad art. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Or is there no such thing as bad art...? 😱😲😧😬🙄

[looselucy]

Lucy, I swear forver ago you wrote a two part piece about B.B. from Harry’s point of view about graduation? Did I dream this?

It was part of the sequel, which fell apart, so there’s really no need for me to share those two parts again.However, I will share the part you’re speaking about. Lets go.

Butterfly Boy Extra - Graduation

Lookingat her that day was different.Watching Pippa was fascinating to me, always had been. Just the way she was. Theway she held herself, the way she spoke and the tiny ticks of her body.She was endlessly interesting to me.But watching her on our graduation day, I got to be fascinated with her in away I never had before.I was fascinated by the mother of my child.

She’d taken the pregnancy test a few weeks before, but I guess I only reallytook in what it all really meant that day, what was actually happening to us. Ijust watched the way she kept wrapping her gown tightly around her body,fidgeting with the material every few seconds in the hope of keeping hidden theslight swell of her stomach.I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.“She looks really beautiful today.” Zayn said, toking on his cigarette.“Yeah.” I mumbled, hands dug deep into the pockets of my pants.“You okay, bro?” He quizzed me, concern intertwining his words.I didn’t reply for a while, I just remained watching her from our distance,wondering if it was normal to start glowing so early on. Then again, maybe shehad always been glowing to me. Maybe I had always been a moth to her flame.All I could think about was how much I loved her. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I wasscared and I was nervous and I was worried about what the future held for us,but I loved her so much.Ignoring those daunting feelings, I really was okay.Because one feel was prevailing over the rest.I was excited.“Yeah.” I replied, a sense of shock in my tone. “I’m amazing.”Pippa had been complaining about her weight gain for a few months, blaming thefact that we were too comfortable in our relationship and we were too in lovewith each other and we drank too much beer.I had just thought she looked adorable. The girl could have been the largestwoman in the world, and I’d have still been so attracted to her that it wouldphysically ache me when we weren’t in contact, so it never mattered to me. Ididn’t really think about it.I’d gotten home one day, remaining in the same house we’d lived in our secondyear at university for our final year, and I’d heard her crying straight away.I bolted up the stairs with fear and panic as my fuel, almost like hearing hercrying was a shock even though she cried most weeks about something or other.I burst into the bathroom to see her sobbing on top of the toilet seat, wearinga flimsy see-through top and some pink knickers, not even raising her head tolook at me.I knew it wasn’t like the other times. I knew it wasn’t something stupid thatwas making her cry, something that would pass in a few minutes.I approached her hesitantly, and then crouched down ahead of her, placing myhands on her knees and trying to hide how petrified I was.“Are you hurt?” I whispered to her.She shook her head, still refusing to look at me, and then she started cryingeven more.I was grateful to know she wasn’t in any physical pain, but also the thought ofthe reason behind her tears being a mental pain made me just as uneasy. I justwanted to wrap her in my arms, keep her close to me forever, protect her fromanything and everything. The pain she was feeling may not have been physical,but the pain I was feeling thanks to the sight ahead of me most certainly was.“What’s wrong?” I asked her. “What happened?”“You’re going to hate me.” She blubbered.“I will not hate you!” I scalded.“You will.” She was shaking furiously. “You’ll hate me and you’ll leave me.”I furrowed my brows, my breathing coming out a little quicker as I began tostruggle hiding my true emotions. I was worried, desperately worried. I hadbeen anyway, but then my mind started running wild with ideas.There were only a select few things she could have done that would make me wantto leave her, and the thought made me feel absolutely sick.“Tell me.” I whispered, my shaking beginning to match hers.Without another word, she reached behind herself, grabbing three white sticks,and passing me one over.It took me a second to process what it was, to process the two little pinklines I was looking at.My chest was heaving by the time I looked back up to her, still feelingimpossibly numb.She passed me the second stick.Exactly the same.She passed me the third stick.Once again, two pink lines.I’m not sure I was breathing. For a while, I felt nothing. No anger, or fear, regretor worry. I was completely void of everything as I glanced back up to her,seeing the way she covered her face, like she was ashamed.Then I realised all I wanted to do was tell her I loved her.“I don’t want to get an abortion.” She wept, placing her heels on the edge ofthe toilet seat and tucking her knees against her chest.“Then don’t.” I gasped, before I’d even truly realised what I was saying.She shot her head so that her eyes could glance at me over her knees, her shockwidening them.I glared right back at her like the most confident man in the world.“I have to, Harry.” She gulped.“No you don’t!” I shook my head. “I won’t let you!”“You won’t let me?” She scowled.“I don’t mean it like that, Pip. But you don’t want one, do you?”Of course she didn’t want one. For as long as she could remember, she hadwanted a child, she had wanted a family.I guess she just didn’t want it to happen that way. A lot had changed for Pippawhen it came to the way she viewed families, but she had still been expectingher ideal.She wasn’t going to get it, and that hurt her.“It doesn’t matter if I want to or not, Harry! I have to!” She argued. “I… Ican’t do this like this. I have an interview for a photography company nextweek. I… I-I’m too young! I’m not married! I’m not-”“I KNOW YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT BULLSHIT!” I cried. “This… This is ourchild, Pippa.”It was only then that she voiced her one true concern. It was only then thatshe said the one thing that was really making her feel like she had to get anabortion.“You… You can’t possibly want this. It… It will ruin your life.”It wasn’t her ideal, that much I knew. But I also knew that she would havealready been in love with the life inside her. She would have been in love thesecond she saw those two pink lines. Maybe she didn’t know it at that point,because nothing had worked out in the way she had envisioned it, but I knew.I also knew how I felt.I moved closer to her still, gripping my fingers around her ankles and pullingthem down to the floor so I could look at her face properly, desperate for herto hear my words.“I want this, Pippa. More than I’ll ever be able to explain. I want this withyou! I always knew I’d have it with you, so why not now?” I was trembling, butI was firm. “It will not ruin my fucking life. It… It will make my life better.I want this so much… and… and I know it’s hard to see it now… I know you’rescared and it’s not perfect, but you want this too. So, I can’t let you dosomething you’ll regret when… Fuck. Please don’t take this from me, Pip. Don’ttake this from us. I want this. I really, reallywant this.”She had calmed, eventually, and told me she would sleep on it.Told me she would think about it.We never mentioned it again. Suddenly, even the thought of an abortion wascompletely forgotten, and the fact that we were going to have our first childwas just accepted. Naturally.I guess that’s why it took me a while to look at her and really take in thatshe was a mother. The mother of mychild. Our child.Seeing her on graduation day, still a little shy and withdrawn, was the firsttime I realised I was father.And I was so excited.“Big couple of days for you two!” Zayn said.“Huh?” I gasped, alarmed, like he somehow knew more than I thought he did. Wehadn’t told anyone quite yet.“Graduating and moving into your new house in the next day? That’s huge! Areyou nervous?”I looked back to her, trying my very best to ignore that the smile on her facelooked plastered, fake. I couldn’t believe that of the two of us, it was me whohad come round to the idea of having a child first. I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to make her feel better, but at least Iknew I would always be there to try.“More excited than nervous.” I swallowed.“That’s good.” He took the final drag of his cigarette before he threw it onthe floor, stomping it out.I watched as Louis ran over to her, wrapping her into a tight hug before shecould argue against his affections.She wasn’t coping too well being around Louis that day. Every time he was evenin her vision, she usually started crying. For his final piece for his degree,Louis had merely submitted the scribbles of stories we’d made about Mike. Hisquotes, his anecdotes, even writing his list of alcohol and what affect it hadon him, a story we’d all heard one too many times. Which drinks made him happy,which made him numb, and which made him sad.The pages were crinkled and covered in different styles of writing, Graceslipstick pressed into one of the pages, everyone having contributed to his art.It was overwhelming, looking at the final piece Louis, and all of us, hadproduced.He ended up getting a first.Understandably, Pippa was very emotional about it.“Is Louis trying to kill her?” I scowled.“No, man. He’s trying to spend time with his mate.”“He keeps making her cry.”“She always cries.”“Yeah but-”“Harry, she’ll survive.” He groaned. “You know full well how annoyed she’d beif she looked back on today and realised she avoided Louis for the entirety ofit.”I wanted so badly to explain to Zayn that I was just trying my damn best forher to be filled with positivity, because suddenly Pippa was having to askherself questions that she never had before. Suddenly she was worrying abouther finances, and not just about fucking student loans and if she’d have enoughmoney to go to Thimble at the weekend, but worrying about if she could evenafford to support the life inside her. She was worrying about if she’d lose herjob with the photography company when she told them that they’d actuallyemployed a pregnant 21 year old.She was worried and she was scared and she was unsure, and all I wanted to dowas inject her with happiness, to make sure the feeling was pumping through herveins, through her very being. Any slight feeling of distress that could beavoided needed to be avoided.Zayn probably just thought that a part of me still got jealous, a part of mestill thought Louis felt something towards her, but that wasn’t the case. Ijust wanted her to be happy.When Louis withdrew, I noticed she was sobbing.“For fuck sake.” I literally kicked the floor.“You’re ridiculous.” Zayn complained.“I’m going over!”“Harry, she’s fine!”I flipped him off over my shoulder as I marched towards the two of them,wondering how the hell I could break this little interaction up without causinga scene.I never figured out how.“Louis, back off!” I demanded as soon as I reached them.“What?” He cried.“Harry, it’s fine!” Pippa attempted.“You know you keep making her cry, so what the fuck is your problem?”“Harry, you’re fucking pathetic sometimes, do you know that?” Louis spat at me.“Congratulations, Pippa.”He was shaking his head as he walked away from the two of us, and I just glaredat the back of his head as he went, feeling like I’d done the noble thing, butPippa was just about to prove that she didn’t fully agree.“What the hell was that?” She groaned, sulking even more.“He was upsetting you, Pip-Squeak. I-”“He wasn’t upsetting me, Harry. I’m just overwhelmed.”“I’m only trying to help.”“I know that, Harry. Fuck, I know.” She started playing with the buttons on myshirt, pulling herself closer to me. “I just… I want to things to feel normal.”I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t at a normal stage in her life. I wanted topoint out that she wasn’t going to feel normal that day, no matter what. We hadofficially finished university, we were moving into our own house and gettingjobs. On our graduation day, we didn’t have any normality. We were floatingbetween one stage of our lives and the next.I just didn’t have the heart to point that out to her.Because she knew, she just wanted to ignore it.“I just hate seeing you this upset.” I swallowed.“I’m fine, Harry. I’m fine.”“Promise me?”“I promise. As long as you don’t shout at anyone else today.”“As long as no one else makes you cry today.” I stuck my bottom lip out,playing with her hair.“Harry, I will be crying all day.” She giggled. “Just get used to it.”Her giggle was a sound I was addicted to, one I wanted to irrupt in herconstantly. That’s why I always tried to make her laugh, always suggestedhaving sex anywhere other than the bedroom because she would always so no andshe would always giggle, that beautiful little noise piercing through myatmosphere.I was still so in love with her.That was never going to change.Fuck.She held her arms open, waiting for me to hug her tenderly, but with a massivegrin on my face, I hooked my arms around her body, lifting her from the flooras she squealed happily into my ear, her grip around me tightening so much it’slike she thought that if she fell the short distance she’d hurt herself. Notthat I would ever let that happen, and she must have known that.I nuzzled my lips to her neck whilst she was there, making her writhe andgiggle and squeak even more and I was so obsessed with her my stomach couldn’ttake the feelings she forced upon it.“Oh bollocks.” She gasped, stopping her chuckles abruptly.“What?” I turned my head to see the side of her face.“My mum and dad are talking to your dads and Ben is crying.”“Why do I have so many overly emotional people in my life?” I baffled.“If my lip reading skills are correct, he said, I’m just so proud!”“He’s been crying for the past week.” I snickered.“I missed you this week.” She brought her head back round so her lips couldmeet mine.It wasn’t often that me and Pippa had to go any length of time without eachother, and it had been like that for almost three years. Any time apart fromher felt like damn lifetime, and we’d just gone a week without seeing eachother, and I hadn’t enjoyed it at all. We had spoken constantly, but not havingher within my reach was my least favourite thing. I always wanted her close, itwas what I was used to and it was what I loved. That week had felt like an era,but reuniting with her had spawned a flurry of butterflies in my stomach thatwere so giddy over her company, that it almost felt worth it. They werebouncing around in there with glee as their driving force, and she was the onlyperson who could create them. Every giggle and every kiss made them bustlemadly, almost like they were crying out for more of her, desperate for herattention, aching for the happiness that stifled her when I was around.They loved her, and so did I.“I miss you every fucking second I’m not with you.” I gasped to her lips, stillholding her off the ground. “How’ve you been feeling?”“I’m okay.”Her voice was too timid, the lie she’d attempted not working quite as well asshe hoped it would.I kissed her plump little lips again, just briefly.“Pip?” My tone was dead.“I…” Gently, I lowered her to the floor, hoping to inspire a full sentence fromher. “I still feel a little dazed, really. I still… I can’t believe it’shappening.”I thought back to the early days with her, recalling the joyous feeling ofgetting to know her, getting to know everything that made her tick, littlefacts that made her the incredible women she was, and I remembered a story shehad told me. Something she wanted from her life.I needed to remind her.“You once told me,” I began. “About a dream of yours, something you reallywanted. About Christmas time. You remember?”“I don’t-”“You told me about… the thought of the year when your child is old enough tounderstand it… The first year your child is old enough to be excited for it.You told me you wanted to be able to get up in the middle of the night with…with your husband, to get all their presents ready whilst they slept. You toldme how much you were looking forward to it. How happy it would make you. Youremember, don’t you?”“Yes.” She whispered.“I know I’m not your husband, but… have you realised that we’re going to have that? Me and you? We’re going to get to dothat. Doesn’t that amaze you? Fuck, Pip, it’s all I want. You’re all I want.You and this and us. This family.It’s everything to me. I just… I’m waiting for you to feel the same way,because you’re getting everything you wanted, even sooner.” I chuckled, nipping at her flustered cheek. “It’s going tobe amazing, Pip-Squeak. We’re going to be amazing.”I should have known what I’d said would make her cry, but I still felt a few ofthose butterflies die in my stomach as soon as a tear slipped from her lefteye. I wiped it away as quickly as I could, trying to gage her smile and ignoreher gentle weeping.“Why are you so nice to me?” She sighed, closing her heavy eyes.“I’m just trying to be the person you deserve.” I swallowed.She scrunched her face and shook her head, still baffled that I felt like Iwasn’t worthy of her love. But Pippa would never see herself under the shininglight that I did. Pippa was always making a conscious effort to better herself,to become a stronger person, and seeing her do that so wonderfully during theinitial stages of her parents’ divorce had inspired me to do the same thing.She had made me want to work on myself and be a better person.I’d still be the emotionless prick I was in our first few months at uni withouther influence.“You always have been.” She spoke to the floor, shy, withdrawn, scared,beautiful.