#and cant ever help myself when i need to call someone stupid

[fratboykate]

I love hearing you talk about what actually goes on in the film and TV industry. It really shows that lay people truly have no idea what happens behind the scenes and who's actually integral to getting their favorite show made. I have a dumb question related to that stuff if that's OK? If a film is indie produced and doesn't get any kind of distribution aside from being put on amazon and apple TV, does that have any chance of turning a profit?

i saw a writer use the term in the last few weeks that i love because the idiots have really come out of the woodwork since the whole strike talk started. that writer called it "fansplaining". it's where fans try to explain shit they have no idea about TO THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WORK DOING THE THING and then you ask them "what are your qualifications to even be talking on this" and WITHOUT FAIL it's always something like "well i took my AV class in high school" or "i took a class in college" or even worse "im a cinephile" and in the same breath are saying the dumbest shit of all time that has no connection to reality. ive said it before and ill say it again: unless you work in the industry or are like a trades reporter (and surprisingly during the strike we've also found out a lot of them dont know jack shit either) you know nothing. the amount of stupidity i see said on here, twitter, or IG comments is insane and people say it with their full chests too. and they wont hear otherwise either. you live in bumfuck, arkansas and have never step foot on a set or a development meeting. i could take a class on welding and would still never dare to pretend to know more than the people who actually earn a living doing this. no one has enough hubris to walk into surgery and tell a doctor they know more whats going on better than they do but suddenly when it comes to the industry EVERYONE is an expert because theyve read a wikipedia article. this industry is complex and layered and the vast majority of what happens and how it happens never makes it to the people who don't work within it.

stop pretending you know anything. about how it's done or about the people who work in it. those actors you love and who couldnt have more sanitized public personas as "uwu sweet baby angels"??? a lot of them are fucking pricks. they play a version of themselves for the cameras and the fans the same way they play characters. you.dont.know.people. and you dont know shit about shit. stay in your lanes and stop embarrassing yourselves online.

and as far as your question...hardly ever is the honest answer. those platforms are like spotify. everyone can through their song on there but having it on there wont guarantee it'll get plays. its almost the equivalent of self-publishing a book. you can throw it on amazon but...is anyone going to read it??? the way indie has both eroded and become oversaturated at the same time because, back to my previous point, everyone thinks theyre a "filmmaker" just because they can buy a camera is a whole other conversation for another day.

[widevibratobitch]

.

[allmonstersxarehuman]

I Need Space

Bang Chan x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Only terrible writing and no editing. Angst with no comfort.

“How many times do I need to apologize, it’s not a big deal. I was just being nice, She wanted help with some lyrics she was writing and had mentioned how much she admired my work, she’s new to the company I wanted to be helpful.” Your boyfriend says following you like a lost puppy, you weren’t having it though. When you got into a relationship with Chan you knew he was a natural flirt but it happened time and time again, this time a mutual friend had spotted your boyfriend out with a new employee from the company. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he hadn’t lied to you about where he was going and have his phone off the entire time. He had told you he was working with the guys on working on more of the songs they were preparing, when you called Changbin to ask if they wanted you to bring dinner he was confused saying that Chan wanted to take the day off. You had hung up with a simple thanks before passing back and forth through your living room. You had been so stuck in your own head that the ding of your phone scared you, it was a text from Minnie a mutual friend of yours and Chans. You had been texting her about what was going on and trying to get some advice, what she had sent you made your blood boil. There he was, your boyfriend with the “new employee” they were in a coffee shop as they talked and he took his hand and rubbed it up and down her bare arm almost in a comforting way she gave him a smile as she placed her hand on his before she grabbed his laptop and started to type on it. The laptop that no one ever got to touch including you and the other members, now that was something that made you upset. Sounds stupid but he was trusting a complete stranger with his laptop but not you or the boys? That didn’t sit right. After that the video ended and Minnie said she was going to go give him a piece of her mind, you protested through text but you knew Minnie if she has her mind set on something nothing is going to change her mind.

This is how you got into the situation you were in, you looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Really I didn’t know that kind of stuff included touching someone else and lying to your girlfriend and some of your group mates. What makes you trust her more than us?” The question through him off and arched an eyebrow to question what you were talking about. You were tired of him acting innocent until you showed him a snapshot of her using his laptop. “Oh. Technically I didn’t let her use it, she grabbed it from me and I took it from her very quick, that’s when Minnie came over and gave me an ear full and I came here because she said that I needed to explain myself to you.” You sighed and ran your fingers through your hair, maybe you are just being dramatic but this also wasn’t the first time he’s been overly friendly to new staff. Though you do know that Chris is a social butterfly there is something different about the way he acts with the new employees especially ones that run around in tiny skirts, he definitely tends to flatter the person he is talking to and ends up sending mixed signals. You know this from experience, that’s how things were before the two of you started dating. But about a month after dating he started up this habit. Now a year into the relationship and he still does it sometimes you’d catch him with one of them in his studio looking awfully close the women always smirked at you like they New something you didn’t, he had an explanation for anything and everything. But now you didn’t want to hear anymore of his excuses. “I think we should split up.” You whispered. “I’m not sure I heard you right, it sounded like you wanted to split up.” He laughed lightly thinking it was most likely a joke to scare him to get back at him. “Chris we need to split up. I can’t do this anymore, I’m exhausted wondering if you are lying to me or telling the truth. I cant trust you and maybe I need the space, I can’t continue to sit here wondering if you are cheating or just trying to get an reaction out of me but I can’t do it anymore. I’m to tired for this.” You said softly walking to your bedroom with Chris trailing behind, you ignored his pleas to just sit with him and talk but you ignored him and started packing the things he had left for when he stayed over. Once you were sure you had finished packing his belongings, you handed it to him but not before setting the necklace he gave you for your one year anniversary. You felt dirty keeping it especially knowing that he probably did this with everyone he found attractive, you unfortunately fell for his sweet talk and gentle touches.

“Here I think that is everything, don’t worry about giving me the key I’m having the locks and passwords changed. I’m sorry this didn’t work out but know that I really did truly loved you. I wish you the best.” You said opening the front to see him out. He looked at you his eyes looked sad and a single tear fell. “I’m sorry. But know I never cheated, and I definitely never meant to hurt you. Please don’t shut me out, we can get over this hill. I promise we can make this work.” He said dropping the box and taking your small hands in his larger ones, it was so hard not to give into him. “No Christopher, I need space; maybe we will have another chance to do this correctly but right now…” you couldn’t finish your sentence before swallowing the sob that threatened to escape. “Please Chan don’t make this harder than it already is.” You said looking down at the ground. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it knowing he wouldn’t be able to change your mind right now but he was determined to win you back. “I love you y/n.” He said softly before walking out your door. Once he was gone you collapsed on the floor letting a sob escape, you know that this was probably for the best but why does it’s feel so wrong.

[pachimation]

redrawing my very first chiscara comic/art i ever did for chscr day!!

old comic under the cut!!

lol a bunch of sappy semi serious stuff below bc i cant help but be a bit genuine about this ship today :’3

i cant possibly put into words how important this silly little ship and its community mean to me haha,,,, this comic was made in 2021 but i didnt really get serious about chscr until late 2022 after a bunch of pretty bad interpersonal stuff happened and i needed an outlet,, COINCIDENTALLY a certain someone was announced to be playable around then and i was already thought chscr was Pretty Neat™️ so i ended up diving headfirst into the ship. it also gave me a good excuse to work on more comics too!! i’d done a pretty big zhongven comic earlier that year in the summer, but in terms of lore there was only so much i could have worked with at the moment.

childe and scaramouche have that perfect combination of silliness and angst and violence that could be explored or expanded in so many ways and i love love love seeing other people’s interpretations of their dynamic and relationship. they’re so complex,,,,they’re narrative foils,,,they’re narrative parallels,,,they’re trans allegories,,,they’re flies in the spiderweb of the games lore,,,they’re my stupid little meow meows,,, they’re just two losers i want to see make out,,,

in a nutshell, they’re everything to me. well, i hope i get that kind of sentiment across in my own comics,,,,

and i cant get started on all the people ive met through chiscara or the way that having something i can call “my thing”, as in, the thing that i like and that i will spend a lot of time and effort (and money, but lets not talk about that) to surround myself with because it makes me smile. its stupid to say, but being a nerd about these two stupid guys who have never had a single canon onscreen interaction in some random game has made me a much happier and confident person that i could have ever imagined back in my freshman year of college,,, when i say i dont know who i’d be if i hadnt gotten into chiscara, i really do mean it lol

i’m actually surprised i’m making it to over a full year of regular-ishly making art, especially for the same game and ship! thats never happened before and my art has improved so much over this past year!! more than anything else, i’m happy! i get to be excited talking about these characters with my friends and i love to see art of them pop up on the tl. i make stickers of them and decorate my phonecase with them and have little figures of them in my room that i look at when im up late at night working on schoolwork. sometimes just the thought of finishing a comic or daydreaming about a scenario or seeing what my mutuals are up to are some of the few things getting me through a tough day.

,,,,so believe me when i say, to both childe and scara and to everyone else as obsessed with these pathic losers as i am, thank you! i’m having a lot of fun!!!

(also i just found out tumblrs copy/paste doesnt work on my ipad??? idk if this ends up legible i may or may not have deleted smth by accident and im not in a mood to proofread haha)

[itzsana-kiddingmenow]

𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙨 — 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 2:

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨: 1k

𝙖/𝙣: missing you guys a lot :c this is past sana speaking and i truly miss being active on here! i promise im enjoying myself and healing over this break and ill be back soon!

𝙩/𝙬: bondage

𝒍𝒆𝒆: changbin

𝙡𝙚𝙧: minho and chan

𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕: @someone-who-loves-kpop-saranghae @jeonginsdiary @leeknowstan33 @v--143 @wereallgonnadieonedaybutnottoday @inkytornpagess @lajanaa @a-wild-seungberry @channieissocute125 @soap143 @seungsluvv @skznccmlee @moony-9

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠! 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐞? 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐛s🖤

“I can’t get this right!” Minho yelled frustratedly. Clearly, he had been having a rough day and had little to no patience.

It was a simple problem. He had to find the total of somebody’s hospital bills, but he was unable to do so for some reason or the other.

Minho and Chan still continued to work at the hospital part—time while training; They couldn’t lose what they had worked so hard on, after all.

Minho contemplated bursting into tears right there and then. How could he be so stupid?

“What’s wrong?” Changbin glanced over his shoulder. “Oh, that total amounts to 13,478.”

Minho was dumbfounded. He glanced at the younger in shock. “What?”

“All those bills? It’s total is 13,478. See?” Changbin put in on a calculator, and sure enough, there was the number in bold.

Let’s say Minho was a little embarrassed at the fact that what had taken him half an hour took less than five seconds for Changbin. He the thought for a few seconds. “You think you’re so much smarter than me?”

Clearly, he didn’t mean it. Minho knew Changbin was especially talented at math calculations, and he could probably beat him in biology anyday.

But he needed a way to let out his frustration, didn’t he?

“Oh—no, hyung! I swear, I’m sorry, I would never claim tha—” Changbin panicked.

“Oh, shut up.” Minho shoved him onto the bed.

“Wha—what are you doing?” Changbin could feel nervous giggles erupt from his throat already.

“What? Since you’re so much stronger and smarter than me, solve the equations while being tickled. Easy, right?” Minho sneered.

“Hyung—” Before Changbin could even get his next word out, Minho was calling for Chan.

“H—Hey! There’s no reason to do this! Y—You’re smarter! Happy? Please, just let me go!” Binnie whimpered. Chan walked into the room and grinned at Changbin.

“I heard everything, You’re screwed.” He giggled as Changbin began to whine and thrash under Minho’s grip.

Chan helped Minho by grabbing Bin’s wrists and yanking them above his head. Changbin was almost immediately able to pull them down.

“Ugh, It’s getting difficult to hold him down! How did we do it last time?” Chan grunted.

“Hyung, we literally strapped him down.” Minho deadpanned, and the doctor beside him grinned sheepishly.

“Should we tie him again…? Or no???”

“Probably should, you can’t hold him down and we haven’t even started.”

How was Changbin reacting to this whole exchange, you ask? Well, he was losing his mind.

“Hey! There’s no need to—NOHO!” He screamed when a singular finger poked his armpit.

“Someone’s giggly.” Minho joked, and Changbin’s face turned a bright red.

Chan managed to loop a scarf around the trainee’s wrists and to the headboard, but Changbin didn’t even notice as he suffered under Minho’s teasing gaze.

“Soo, your first question. 36 times 67. Go!” Minho called, and Changbin started to think just as Chan dug into his belly.

“Th—AHAHAT’S SOHO UHUNFAHAIR! I CANT DO MENTAL MATH!!” Changbin squealed, and Minho thought for a few seconds.

“Okay! We’ll wreck you right here for a little while and then we’ll let you solve it on paper. Remember, while being tickled. Then we’ll see how smart you are.”

“NONONOHAHAHAHA!” Changbin started to cackle cutely as Minho’s fingers met his sides, and he squirmed away almost completely as Minho continued to scribble his fingers over his sensitive skin.

“You’re just as cute as ever.~” Channie cooed happily at the sight of Changbin squealing and throwing his head back into the pillow underneath his head.

At that, Changbin arched his back and slammed it back down in ticklish agony; Their slight movements across his body had him jerking this way and that.

“Look, we probably didn’t even have to use the shot last time! He’s just as ticklish either way!” Minho exclaimed with glee as Changbin began to laugh hysterically; Chan’s fingers had moved to his ribs.

A wide, bright smile took over Changbin’s face as his eyes crinkled at the edges.

“NAHA—nahahat theheHEHEHERE PLEASE!!” Binnie howled, trembling as he tried to yank his arms down.

He bucked around a little and burst into more laughter; He was just too precious.

“But your reactions are so adorable! We can’t help it.” Chan giggled, digging into the crevices and flinching when Changbin let out a shrill shriek of laughter.

“Okay okay, let’s let him have a break; After all, we need him to do the problems on paper!” Minho demanded, and Chan detached his fingers before beginning to untie the panting trainee.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Come on! Solve it!”

Changbin started to write the calculation down, just as fingers started scribbling over his ribs again.

“Nahahaha! Plehehease Ihi cahahant!” Changbin whined through his laughter, his handwriting shaking a little as he tried to think.

He managed to solve a few more complex multiplication sums before fingers were in his armpits and he wanted to scream.

So he did. “AAAGH!! NAHAHAHAT THEHEHERE! I REHEHEHEALLY CAHAHAN’T!!” Changbin cackled, slamming his arms down and twisting side to side.

“Too bad. You have to.” Minho continued to cruelly tickle the area, and Changbin fell backwards into his arms, all while still hysterically screaming out his laughter.

Chan threw his shirt up and pressed his lips to Binnie’s hypersensitive side. Minho followed by doing the same on the other side. Changbin just let it happen, knowing he couldn’t prevent it from happening. “P—Plehehease!”

Too late. Both boys blew into poor Changbin’s sides simultaneously, and he lost it.

“NOHOHOHO IHIHITS TOOHOO MUHUHUCH! NO MINHO! CHAHAHAN!! STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!” Changbin screamed, shoving at both heads as they moved further up and pressed their lips to his lower ribs.

Every time they blew another raspberry, Binnie’s laughter only grew more desperate; It was just getting worse and worse.

“AAAAAARGHHH NOHOHOT THEHEHEHEHERE!!” Changbin howled as the heads blew more and more raspberries onto his ribs in random areas.

“PLEHEHEASE!! IHIH CAHAHANT TAHAKE AHANYMOHOHORE!!”

“Agh…Binnie, you’re so loud! I think we need to shut him up…” Minho groaned, pressing his lips to that sensitive spot along the top of the boy’s ribs.

“PLEASE!! NOHOHOHOHOT THEHEHEHERE NAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Minho shook his head disapprovingly, and both him and Chan blew as hard as they possibly could into the poor boy’s sensitive skin.

“NOOOOHOHOHOHO PLEHEHEHEHEHAHA!!”

Finally, Chan and Minho left poor Binnie alone; He was on the verge of dying.

Gently rubbing at the spots they tickled, the two oldest got ready to treat the youngest to aftercare to make up for the harshest tickling he had been through. At least, yet.

love you,

sana <333

[vegantinatalist]

May i ask why youre anti furry/therian? Im not either of those things, just curious lol

Glad you asked, i have a lot to say about it, skip to the end for a tldr Viewing animals as concepts and visuals that you can make a persona out of contributes to the perception of animals (and others in general) being commodities. It derealizes animals and anthropomorphizes them, it is not a way to respect or portray animals, its the opposite.

I dislike therians for the same reasons and also because its a delusion like any other, and no different from religion, gender ideology, or trans race believers. Its furry taken even further into full blown delusion. They both also often buy leather and real fur and shit for their stupid costumes, especially if they go to ren fairs. i hate that theres more art of anthropomorphized endangered species than there are members of those endangered species. i hate that cows are sexually exploited while people are making "strawberry milk cowsonas uwu" with giant boobs and straw hats and shirts that say "milk!" Need i even mention all the zoophilia coded art. Ive worked as a freelance artist for over a decade, the massive number of furries that request zoophilia porn (art of getting penetrated by or raping animals), sometimes of their real pets which they would send me (normal) images of, made me no longer care that supposedly most furries "only like sfw furry art" (i call absolute bullshit and even if true idc) or "only like anthro furry porn" (thats still zoophilia in my eyes, no im not sorry, it literally is, especially if you cant get off without the animal imagery or you prefer it over human imagery). everytime someone requested a "sfw full body nude ref" they never gave their character human genitals. Always animal genitals. like bruh you literally want animal penis/vagina, you just (supposedly) wouldnt touch a real animal on principle. Buuuut youll also totally kill and eat animals daily, and youre fine with sticking instruments up their cervixes to force impregnate them and shocking their anuses to collect their semen? and you really think everyone is just like "yeah rape for profit is a-okay but raping them for pleasure is unthinkable"? you really think no people ever are like "yeah raping them for pleasure is fine too"? as an animal rescuer let me tell you- youre dead fucking wrong. animal prostitution and bestiality is a real issue, an estimate 2 percent of the population (and thats just whats reported, we all know animals cannot communicate their abuse) are offenders. from cases i myself have seen personally, the offenders were young men, autistic, and guess what else...ding ding ding. again this is of course not the majority of furries but my point is that i dont trust anybodies morals when it comes to the perception and treatment of others, especially those weaker and unable to speak. i have known a shocking amount of "normal" men who admitted to attempting or successfully raping an animal as a teen.

The sfw art often is extremely self indulgent and very objectifying of animals, drawing them like toys and little fairies that exist solely to bring them joy. i just never liked that kind of thing. i dont like that so many companies even get away with turning that shit into full on dopamine farm gambling addictions for kids. think like, webkins.

My parents used to give me animals like they were toys when i was young. They did not care what happened to them. All the media i was surrounded with as a kid reinforced this idea that animals are toys, toys that exist for self indulgent dopamine farming, even if i never would have said that, even if i would have gotten mad at anyone who outright said it. even if i thought this media made me an animal lover. it did not. and as a result, i saw many animals terribly die. yes, huge blame on my parents of course, but we dont live in a world that respects or cares about animals as it is and this type of content just doesnt help like people think it does. it doesnt teach you respect for animals. it teaches you to love animals the way you love candy. something you play with, and consume. its bad.

I want people to create sonas without using animal body parts as a way to convey tropes and archetypes that harmfully or just incorrectly skew peoples perception of real animals. i want to see animal characters that are neither anthro nor "feral" (toony animal body but anthro behaviors and thoughts) but are instead just written and portrayed like real animals and respected. i am not opposed to anime because while most of it is creepy, depicting toddler faced girls on childrens sexualized bodies, this disturbing objectification element isnt inherent to the style or subject matter and there are plenty of anime that depict people more normally. furry on the other hand is inherently objectifying and i wish drawing furry art was not so socially acceptable. its not like i think everyone should only draw animals exactly the way they look in reality, but you can stylize them in countless ways that arent anthropomorphizing.

i also hate fiction where theres a race of animal people and still a subclass of non anthro animals that are being exploited. it just furthers this idea that real animals dont matter, you can even pretend to be them while you kill and eat them if you want. i just really hate all of it. ive never seen any piece of furry media that doesnt disrespect animals and i think it inherently cannot be respectful to them.

mythical animal characters are a bit of a gray area. if they are depicted like real animals, just different (like a dragon that is clearly cat coded) that doesnt bother me really. the ones that are human coded with no animal parts based on real animals are usually fine too. its the grody and often sexualized blending of human and nonhuman animal that i dont like.

this is a very long and rambly rant but tldr:

-sexual furry art is zoophilia

-sfw furry art is still gratification based in objectification of others (and sfw art still can arouse people which is why its important to be mindful of subject matter no matter how youre drawing it)

-therians are the same + delusion (and i oppose all delusions)

-i want to see respectful art/stories that portrays nonhuman animals as the complicated individuals they are, not as a humans costume, sidekick/toy, or human allegory -im sick of artists having 0 accountability in general and im sick of their actually braindead apologist fans (looking at you made in abyss season 2 enjoyers) and i have 0 tolerance for iffy material anymore, we need to start opposing fictional content with more intensity, the world of art has become like 50 percent soft cp and soft zoophilia and i for one hate that

[matthewscherrypie]

༊*·˚ the cut that always bleeds.. 🩸🩹 M.S

W A R N I N G S: angst, situationship, sex, alcohol, smoking, kinda toxic Matt?, fighting, swearing, no happy ending

S U M M A R Y: friends with benefits with Matt turns into the biggest heartbreak you’ve ever experienced when you catch feelings but he doesn’t.

THIS IS MY WORK, MY IDEA, NO STEALING !!

4 months ago..

Matt’s hands roamed all over my body, touching every crevice on me, while he pumped in and out of me repeatedly, it was a heavenly feeling I could not get enough of.

After that night, we both agreed it would not be the last time.

It just kept happening, i would find myself in his bed almost every night, and i would find us hooking up at every party we showed up to together.

We agree’d no strings attached, but I can’t help but fall for him more and more every day.

Now..

Matt cleans you up with the rag that was already laying on his floor from yesterday, “I think I’m gonna go” you say, as he stands up and throws the rag in the laundry.

“Why?” He asks. Deep down in your head you know why. You cannot lay on his chest while he plays with your hair again, you cannot go on another late drive to get food and have a deep talk together again, you just can’t.

Your heart falls in love with him a little more every time you spend time with him, “i just need to leave” you say.

“Well okay, bye y/n.” He says while kissing your cheek.

You let out a quick “bye” while tying on your shoes and heading out the door.

You get in your car and start heading towards your apartment which you shared with your best friend Ava.

Ava was the only one who knew about your feelings for Matt, and it was gonna stay that way. Right..?

🎶 I can’t be your lover on a leash, every other week when you please. 🎶

“I just can’t do it anymore Ava” you say while eating ice cream sitting on your shared couch. “I wanted nothing more but to just hold him and kiss him but I know if I would, it would just kill me even more.”

“You have to let him go” Ava says, “no no, I can get over these stupid feelings I know I can.” “I just can’t let him go” you say.

You feel a buzz in the pocket of your baggy sweatpants, you grab your phone to see it’s Matt.

“You have to ignore him girl” Ava says. “I know” you say.

No matter how much it pained you you know Ava is right. So you do just that, you ignore him.

Next thing you know you hear your phone start buzzing again, this time Matt is calling you.

You cant help yourself so you pick up.

“Hello?” Matt says with a confused tone in his voice

“Hey” you say.

“Why didn’t you answer my text?” Matt says, sounding almost concerned.

“I just didn’t, why do you care so much” I say.

I dont wanna be rude, but if I wasn’t then I know I would end up just acting like his little side hoe again, and I couldn’t keep doing that.

“Wow someone’s grouchy” he says.

“Matt what do you want, why did you call”

“Why are you getting so upset with me?” Matt says.

“Did I do something”

“Matt just leave me alone.” I say while hanging up.

- - -

🎶 cause you keep me on a rope, and tied a noose around my throat. 🎶

Fuck me. I think to myself, as I stand in this random persons house, at a party I was invited too last minute.

“Cmonnn, you gotta loosen up a bit” Madi says. I know she’s right, but all I wanna do is look for Matt and lay on his chest while his soft gentle fingers run through my hair.

“Maybe you could find someone else to hook up with even” Ava says. “Okay..fineee” I say.

While glancing around the room trying to find someone at least a little attractive, I see Matt with a random blonde tracing his tattoos and giving him “fuck me” eyes.

I move my eyes down a little bit and see his hand on her ass. Fuck, I think to myself.

As the tears start forming at my eyes, I feel my chest start to tighten.

I run through the crowd trying not to make it obvious that I’m upset, until I find a door and open it, only to find 2 random people fucking each other. “Sorry!” I say while storming out.

I find another door and open it, thank god nobody’s in this one. My back hits the door and I slide down it while heavy sobs escape my mouth.

I hear a knock at the door, “hey y/n you in there?” I hear from a familiar voice, Matt’s voice.

I try to stay silent but then once I feel the door push my back foward, I realize that I forgot to lock the door.

“What’s wrong, baby?” The words escape his mouth so easily, yet effect me so much.

“I’m fine, Matt really just leave me alone” I say.

“No, what is wrong? It’s obvious I did something.” He says.

I’m in love with you Matt. I wanna say, but of course, I don’t.

“Did you not fin- fuck y/n you didn’t finish did you.” He says.

“Oh my god Matt yes I fucking finished dumbass” I say.

“I think you just need to loosen up” he says, picking me off the ground gently

Before I know it, he turns me around an slams me against the door

He slowly lifts up my dress with his hands, and moves my underwear to the side.

Without a warning, he inserts 2 fingers into me. “Fuck matt” I say.

“Now.. you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He says.

“It’s nothing I’m just going through a tough time right now” I say, breathing heavily and trying not to moan.

- - -

🎶you know what your doing when your coming back, and I don’t wanna have another heart attack🎶

He puts my clothing back on, kissing all over my body. “So pretty” he says. “And your all mine” he says. Killing me

“fuck I love you” he says. Killing me.

I agree to go back to his house and hangout for a bit. I knew I shouldn’t, but at the end of the day he is also my best friend and I just missed it.

“you know, i enjoy fucking, but I also just enjoy your presence and hanging out with you.” He says while rubbing my thigh. Killing me.

“Yeah me too” I say. “Then why have you been so distant?” He says. I know I shouldn’t admit anything, but maybe he deserves to know something at least.

“Well when we were at the party earlier, and I saw your hand on that girls ass” “I kinda got upset and I-“ I say before he cuts me off

“Y/n, we never agreed to not seeing other people.” “We are just friends with benefits right?” He says.

“Right.” I say. Killing me

- - -

🎶 but even though your killing me, yeah 🎶

Everything he is doing is killing me. The kisses and praises he leaves all over my body after sex killed me.

Every time I seen him go on a date, or dancing with another girl at a party killed me.

But most importantly, every time he has to remind me that we are just friends kills me.

I know this is not good, I know leaving his house bawling my eyes out was not good for me.

Everyone tells me I need to tell him. My therapist, my friends, even his brothers, which now know about my feelings because I mean come on it’s pretty obvious.

It could be the fact that it’s midnight, or the fact that that I smoked 2 j’s, but i think its time to tell him.

I get into my car, put some music on and before I can think I start driving.

- - -

I arrive at his door, and immediately knock. Nick & Chris don’t stay up that late but Matt does so Matt answers the door.

“Hey y/n, you didn’t tell me you were coming”

“I know” I say. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah sure” he says. Opening the door wider for me to come in.

We arrive to his room, and the tension is high. He can tell something’s off, and my heart is pounding out of my chest.

“Y/n what the fuck is wrong?” “You ignore me, and then we have sex and you don’t let me even hold you!”

“I don’t fucking understand, you say your going through a tough time but you don’t tell me anything!” He says.

“Matt it’s cause I’m fucking in love with you.” I say.

…. The silence is a unbearable amount of loud and the air becomes even more tense if that’s possible

“Every time you kiss me it kills me because I know we won’t ever be able to do that without fucking.”

“Every time you hold me, it kills me because I know your just doing it because you just nearly took my ability to walk away.”

“Every time you call me yours it kills me because I know that I’m not, and I never will be”

“I thought maybe if I ignored you it would get better and these feelings would pass but the more I ignored you the more it hurt and I couldn’t take it anymore” I say.

“I can’t just fucking be your lover when you want me to be, and then see you eye fucking a ton of other girls at parties” I say

“You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve me. I caught feelings and this is all my fault.”

“But I also don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to feel like I’m getting stabbed anytime I come near you.” I say while leaving his room and slamming the door on my way out.

My chest feels tighter then it ever has, but I also somehow feel relieved. I finally let it out, I don’t feel so locked up anymore.

I run out of the house ignoring all of the “y/n wait!” “Y/n comeback” s that come out of his mouth.

- - -

🎶 beat my heart to black and blue 🎶

When I arrive home, I walk in sobbing and Immediately drop to the floor.

“Oh my god y/n what happened” Ava says.

I am on the verge of passing out, everything around me is tuned out and my eyes are blurry, quite frankly I don’t know how I survived the drive home. I felt light headed and like I was about to puke.

“Y/n stay with me, everything’s going to be okay” Ava says.

- - -

Everything from that night is a blur. I know what happened and I know what I did, but all the details are erased from my brain.

My room reeks of alcohol, weed, and just disgustingness considering I haven’t cleaned my room, nor got out of my bed for 4 days.

I haven’t gotten any messages from Matt, he hasn’t came here, he’s just gone.

There’s been music blaring in my room for 3 hours straight, the songs going from sad, to chill, to hype music where I start convincing myself I’m over it until it turns back into sad music again.

“The cut that always bleeds” by Conan Grey turns on, and I immediately turn it all the way up.

This song can explain me and Matt’s relationship more then I can, and I can’t listen to it without bawling my eyes out.

“Oooh, oooh, but even though your killing me” I sing while my head lays back on my headboard

Tears start streaming down my face, Matt’s shirt I haven’t token off for 4 days getting soaked from my tears.

“I need you like the air I breath”

“I need, I need you more than me.”

No matter how much I don’t wanna admit it, I need Matt more then anything. I need his hands rubbing all over me, i need his lips against mine, I need our hands interlinked. I need him………

…. The end.

A/N, this is my 2nd fic ever, I think this fic is way better then my 1st one, but I still don’t know if I would consider it good, anywho I love the cut that always bleeds but I can’t listen to it without crying so I thought why not make a fic about it!! I love angst and couldn’t wait to write it so I did just that. Hope you enjoyed!! 😋😋

TAGLIST:

@bernardsbendystraws comment if u wanna be added !!

[minthara]

really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism  - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

[krisbianbitchface]

Ok so to warm my heart a little from the coldness of knowing I will have to wait 2 years to see dear Rhaenyra again I have started watching Game of Thrones,I was not very fond of it when it came out however now I am older and just desiring to binge watch anything to get myself to sleep and I have a few thoughts I need to get out of my head or maybe opinions,it might me a little over the top since of course I am a lesbian drama queen and I live to complain,im only in season 3 almost ending the season...

I fucking hate that kid bran,he takes soooo much screen time just to retell dreams and look like that snarky kid that throws random stuff on the ground in Walmart with a stupid look on his face (I really Wish Jamie would have killed his ass)

Melissandre is the most interesting character of the series,so witty and cruel in the best way,I was shocked when she killed that king with her baby demon and absolutely smitten,I love cruel women.

Jon Snow is the most boring character I have EVER witnessed in the story of television and trust me I've been there since Xena Warrior Princess graced the screens,just no goals,no path,no big dick or small dick energy,no energy AT ALL,just a big fat ugly Hero complex that I just can't stand because the actor has the same expression everytime no matter what happens,even having a boner with a cute girl cuddling his dick he is 😐 like gtfo of my face

Cersei is second to Melissandre in the scale of bad bitches,she is just so fucking resented and hot,everything she says sounds like wind chimes even if she is sending a child to his death,I cant help but want her to hate fuck me and call me a fagg0t and then tell me Im the worst fuck she's ever had and just use me again.

Dragons...Should I say more? I started the series of House of the Dragon because I just love dragons,and a particular scene is just edged in my mind like iron,Daenerys saving her little dragons from that sorcerers dungeon and their cute little faces watching her almost like trying to say "Momma! You're here! we missed you!" I think is the cutest scene ever.

Daenerys...She serving cunt,she ate and licked the plate,she served and left no crumbs,the director said cut and she heard CUNT and went with it, she caused a motherquake of 9.99 in the cunt scale,she's mother, and no other than the Mother of Dragons, I just love her,she is what Cleopatra VII was before hollywood found her and turned her into a makeup propaganda fashionista, a true strategist and conqueror.

Kal Drogo,I just mourned his death,he was so cute and murderous, i wept real tears for sweet Daenerys, I think the actor was really good and he needed more screen time, his scenes were charged with masculity and power,something we really lack these days in television.

Sansa, she is a beauty,the kind of beauty fantasy writers try to describe and there is just no way that human exists and then there is her...But she is so fucking traumatized and set aside just like every other woman in that universe,hell,even in life,I feel for her...And also wanna date her,i won't lie

Aria is a tough little woman,I think they really need to step up her action scenes because I think she serves well as a hope in the darkness kind of character however I do wish the actress was more prone to make a proper action sequence ala Eleven from Stranger Things,you can say what you want about miss Millie Bobby Brown but she is one of the few actresses willing to make many changes ln television for years to come with her characters.

Jamie Lannister is an interesting fighter and I wish it was possible to swap his fight scenes with Aria since i think it was proper giving the context,anyway he has good fighting sequences that I think were ment for someone else.

The sex scenes... This was a series HBO really set the bar high for nudity,there is so much nudity,sometimes unnecessary and cruel for the actresses involved and at the same time, is not surprising considering this series was made by two straight men,this always happens in the industry although these days is harder due to the constant intimacy coordination, but yeah in those times I can't imagine how unerving it was for actresses to bare it all for a couple of coins in a popular series.

Enough with my ramblings,I declare myself a fan of game of thrones only for Daenerys and her cute little dragons 💖

[strwbrrsnchrrs]

hi hey hello, i literally just deicivered i have always been a bimbo at ♡ and thought inould sharee ><

so, ive always wanted to have an hourglass (naturally have 1, just dint exercise) and i play with my boody n butt when im alone, someyiimes with ky windows opened incase a man walks by and likes what he sees 🤤

sometimes i just sit infront of the mirror and rub my pussy, getting all wet just from seeing how tight and smooth it is (esp just after shaving!)

i ♡ sucking in things, esp my fingers (but i wish they were a mans :< ) and i ♡ bananas, yogurt (smooth and sticky like delicious cum), and anything soft or that i can slurp (popsicles too, those get me soo soo hottt)

pink os literally the cutest thing ever (loved it when i was a kiddie but hated it cause it was forced on me, now i ♡ it again ☺️) and purple is growing in me too

i wanna wear nothing but skirts with nothing under (i just started wearing panties b bras full tike after a year n a half of nothing under my clothes !! ) and tanks with no bra all the time ! (i did, even at work cause none of kine fit and they were incomfy and i poved it, even tho i tried to go unnoticed about it)

my furst fuck was someone almost 2x my age (i was 18 he was 32) and almost every relationship and fuck have been nowhere near my age (older than 24)

i have loved to suck dick, something about the weight in my miuth and in my tongue rlly gets me going 🥹

i ♡ typing ♡ i have a head full of mush, i even just did a hypno lostening sesh where i became a bimbo for 2 hrs, and now i wanna be 1 full timee

im like so for womens rights but like someyhing about being objectified, even when i dont wanna is so freaking hot 🥵

im so smart but i ♡ acting ♡ i have a 🧠 full of empty mindlessness ♥️

i talk about so kuch stuff tgat i can braely under, but i have confidence when i do so no one knows, til someone does and i just shut up, or keep talking and further discrediting myself and my argument

i sometimes do the most depreaved things when im horny, i just cant help myself, i go brain dead when my 🐱 leaks !!

i used to walk around late at night and hope and dream tgat someone would cat call me, or kidnap me, and make me tgeir slave, mever to see faylight again without permission

ive been objectified since i was young, but now i can like it 🥰 (srsly/ dont look @ or talk to children, thats not cute or cool.)

i ♡ getting slapped around, cgoked, spit in my mouth, called the meanest names and f*cked rough, ot feels so natural

sometimes i do stupid stuff, just for fun, because thats what im supposed to do? who cares? its was literally just for the plot babe 🎀

i widh there was a bimbo club or something, cause i wanna be abled to sit with other girls and talk about our empty headed experiences, getying all wet and horny for someone to touch, maybe running to the bathroom to dream of being told to touch what i shouldnt because its a privilege and i need someone to do it for me becayse i dont do it right or can’t comprehend making kuself feel good

in hs, i remember i was so horny for a fee or the 🏀 players, but i was so “politically correct” that i couldnt openly ♡ them, so ine day i wanted to watch them practice, but i was scared of them too so i set in the gym pobby, looking through the cracked door, wishing they wiuld burst open the door and humiliate me for being such a eager slut but faking shy, ripping off my clothes and using every last ine of my holes, or even forced to sit at each of their feet, being a cumpdump for every last one, then thrown out with my clothes all ripped up, wishing jt gone in for longer

ive always had an issue with authority, ive never been quick to listen, only when i was put in my place or forced into submission somehow, would i listen, but really, all i wanted to be fucked and ruined and made to be a slave, as my thoughts were never mine, they were someone elses and im just a parrot, only abled to believe what im told, so impressionable, never authentiv or original

- 🍓ྀིྀི (will probs be making this a series cause i ♡ remembering ny empty headed experiences vividly, c*m fuel

[julie-schwieters-supremacy]

tw vent

idek. i hate having to get up in the mornings and having to go out and be okay and im hurting inside all the time and im used to bottling it up except im not sure how good i do that and i just have the hurt and the everything stuck inside me and it really makes me want to die everything is the same and i really. dont think theres anything worth staying for anymore. there is nothing i want more than to die and disintegrate into ashes and dust and fly to sunlit forests until the wind sweeps me somewhere else again. im still telling myself, i have a future, what about our childhood dreams, what about moving out, what about giving my kids the childhood they deserve, what about living a better life and getting better for myself, what about being a psychiatrist and helping people, what about living with my friends, what about the things ill never get to do. but i really dont know if thats enough. i dont even know if hes enough to make me stay anymore. where did i go wrong? how did i go from young and naive and loving everyone and everything in my own little world to this? destroying myself with everything i do and constantly wanting to die? life is so underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time and im worried about everyone. like these 2 people are dealing with everything but i just want them to be okay. they dont deserve the hurt and negative feelings and i wish i could take it away or they could at least give it to me because theyre the best thing to ever happen to me and i really love them but theyre dealing with stuff too and i check in and do what i can but i dont think im good enough to be there for them. they have other friends and other closer friends i feel like but sometimes they vent or tell me about their problems and i wish i could make it all better. they deserve the world and i love them so much theyve both been through a lot and i just love these 2 people so so so much they mean so much to me except i dont know how to show it and i dont want them to think im being weird or anything i dont want to talk to someone about it because i feel so stupid when they comment on it and i feel like im being attention seeking and i just hate it and i hate how i even need to vent because why cant i be okay i didnt want this i feel so much hurt sometimes i dont even know why and its so much that it turns physical and into a pain in my chest and i feel like my heart is being clawed out and someone is squeezing my lungs and dicing it up into little pieces and some of them call it love and others are just like that and i feel like a puppet sometimes and i feel really fucking dead sometimes and i cant do anything well or at all and i feel so replaceable sometimes because there could be someone better because i feel like everyone hates me sometimes and i want to be better except i cant because this is the way i am and i really hate it because why cant i be perfect and good and be there for my friends and not mess up the relationships i have and maybe i wouldnt be left out all the time and maybe i would be the friend that walks with the other friends on the sidewalk and maybe i would be the friend that they tell their secrets to and maybe i would be the friend that makes their life at least a little better and maybe i would be the friend they trust with their life and maybe we would have that connection and i want it so badly but whenever i try it just doesnt work and i am so tired im so tired of life i dont know where i went wrong and i just want to go so bad and never come back but whos going to be the one taking everything that he throws at us so my siblings wont have to grow up with the trauma and end up how i did and who would be the one to check in on them because no one else will and who will be the one who teaches my sister that its okay to love and not be okay and who will teach both of my siblings that love is okay and being yourself is okay and who will be the one who is there for him when he needs it and i just sfkghj

[catspinach]

ive been meaning to vent on here about work for a long time now so here

i was hired in as a shift supervisor at a brand new starbucks with all brand new employees aside from another supervisor, Mylah, who is a 4yr partner(remember her), and maybe 2 others or so. none of us knew what we were doing. i was barista trained separately from the rest, followed by supervisor training, and then a week off. I came back and had no idea what the hell i was doing, and everyone was mad that i didnt know what to do??

Mylah trained me, and it was brutal. She would critique everything i did, and I always defended myself, saying "why do i need to do it that way if this way gets the same results?" and she did Not like that lmao and the entire training was incredibly tense.

Months pass, and she is worse than ever. she's had several lectures about her behavior but not a single writeup. Nothing has changed. She trained a new supervisor a few weeks ago, and she treated her the same way as she did with me. At some point she slammed a freezer and started shouting, making her cry, and Everyone in lobby turned their heads. i felt awful and wanted to say smth, but I'm genuinely scared of her. Everyone is. Several people have admitted to me that they call off when they see Mylah on the schedule.

The other day, the lobby was empty, and we were free to talk about all the harassment we've faced with her. I cant even remember all of it there's so much but uh here's a list of stuff i remember:

My manager gave Jenn some extra hours, and when they came in, Mylah cornered them, asking why they stole all her hours?? Jenn was comfused because they were literally just added to the schedule so that they would have enough bodies on the floor. Apparently Mylah was pissy at them for the entire rest of their shift, which sucks bc they were already working 12hrs that day:'(

I became friends with a barista named Diana, who is hispanic, and Mylah (white) would always say rude things that made her uncomfortable, saying its okay because her bf is mexican ._. It became a problem and eventually Mylah started looking through all her stuff to get her fired, and succeeded. Diana told me that Mylah would joke with the other baristas about how im stupid and bad at my job, and she said she always stood up for me which definitely did not help her with this whole situation but I greatly appreciate her for it, and we still talk!

Anna said Mylah was talking to her about me and how i do my job wrong. she said i don't face the bills the same way in the deposit bag, and that I dont fill in the money order right so I'm the reason we have so many goddamn nickles, and she said I don't double count the drawers and that's why there's so many mistakes with the deposit. the funny thing is, i DO face the bills the same way, I have never even DONE a money order because that's morning's job, I TRIPLE count the drawers bc i have anxiety, and nobody has EVER said anything to me about the deposit being off.

At some point someone said ret*rded, and Mylah is autistic and was rightfully mad, and brought her to the back to yell at her. not sure what she said but when she came back she went up to me, and only me, and apologized. so like that really hurted but okay whatever ill just go kill myself ig

Mylah was opening one day and told Morgan that since I was closing that it would probably take longer than usual to close? I asked Morgan how Mylah was with closing, and she said that nothing gets done until the absolute last minute, and it takes at least half an hour to finish closing. My record is 2 minutes past close.

Jenn and Taylor told me that I'm their favorite out of all of the shifts, because I make sure to get everything done, I am fast, efficient, and if they have a question I will do my best to figure out a solution for them. Apparently, when they ask Mylah a question, she answers with, "I dont know man, I just work here" and walks away. which like. mood. but she's getting paid 20/hr compared to the baristas at 15/hr, and there is absolutely no reason that the baristas should have to pick up her slack.

Anna used to be friends with Mylah, and they went to get piercings together, and Mylah thought it would be super funny to snapchat Anna having a panic attack about the needle! outside of work, but still fucked up

theres more idk

Mylah got it in my head that I'm the worst of all of the supervisors, and when I found out I was almost all the baristas' favorite, I started visibly shaking with relief! Ive been trying so so hard to make up for how "bad" i am at my job in fear that everyone will hate me otherwise, and now I gind this out and I don't know how to handle this information jdgdheb

I asked them if they would like to talk to the manager as a group, hoping that will show her just how serious the situation is. I don't usually pray for someone to get fired, but I want her ass permanently out of my sight asap

[idyllic-affections]

🌻 its cruel of anyone to push someone away from their own culture just cuz they dont fit the "standards" or whatever other shit 💔 ohhh u dont know the language— stfu first of all learning a language is hard. im bilingual and its hard for ME to learn any other language. i had german and spanish in school and i simply could not learn any of them and same goes for any other language i tried to learn on my own!! i learned nothing in the end even tho ive been learning english since first primary, meaning i already should have some experience in learning a new language. but i dont. and second of all no one should ever demand proof from anyone that they are a part of this culture or whatever like!!

it’s not only annoying but also fucked up that people have the sheer audacity to set stupid requirements for OTHER PEOPLE'S identity. one's identity can be so hard and sensitive of a topic and having someone try to police u in this matter, try to tell u that no sorry u dont know the language/culture so u cant call urself that— i genuinely have no respect for people who act like this

and third of all idk man if someone came to me and said "hi i want to learn more about poland and the culture because i have polish family" (because suurprise!! im polish too!!!!) id be more than happy to tell them everything i know. even if i might not be the best knowledge source AHAJSJDKDK they dont know polish? or anything abt poland?? they just learned their family is polish??? it simply doesnt matter this person wants to learn more about themselves and im more than happy to cheer on them and hope that theyll learn everything they want. and that theyll never feel excluded out of something they deserve to have place in

this got a little long but as u can tell i got very passionate about this topic 😭😭😭 it annoys me so hard how unhuman some people can be

SOO TRUE it's so invalidating ESPECIALLYYYYY when it's always other latino or hispanic people telling me. bro please. i am doing my best here 🙏🙏

i tried for years to learn spanish and it NEVER clicked in my brain. i know basic spanish and basic french (i had to take a foreign language class a few years back so i took french 1) that's it. Please. learning a language takes so much practice and patience and the issue with learning spanish is that my pronounciation will inherently be more "white" because erm. yeahh. english is the only language i've ever spoken fluently. and for some reason, there are many native spanish speakers think it's funny to make fun of mispronounciations? so now i'm scared to practice because of that. 🫶 it's not cute or funny and it's never been in intended an affectionate way. but i am also mentally ill and neurodivergent so that probably doesn't help AJKSFBJSLSHNFM idk man but it is NOT "all in good fun" it's EMBARRASSING!!!!!

IT'S GENUINELY SO FRUSTRATING why should i have to prove my ancestry to you? like. first of all that's really none of your business and second of all i literally do not have to prove anything?!?!?!?! no-one does?!?!?!?! no-one is somehow any less of their heritage simply because they don't know much about it. literally. it is so upsetting why can we not just let people live peacefully fr.

SOOO REALL i need to ask about it again because my maternal family is generally very open about this kind of thing, and it's easy to communicate with them because there is no language barrier between us. i would love to know more about myself. because my culture is something i deserve to have a part in, you know? it's literally in my blood. it is something i always was and always will be, and i feel like i have a right to want to learn about it.

nooo it's okay!!!! i completely get it. i feel like it's becoming very common for people to be less and less human. and it makes sense, given... you know. politics and everything lately. not to be political /lh but there is just a little too much hate being spread and i dislike that so much. many people have forgotten how to be kind and it's just???? very sad and upsetting.

[sisterssafespace]

Asalamualaykum i hope you're well❤️. Once again i did something stupid. So im a very impulsive person tooo impulsive and it is really affect me deen wise. So last year i was attending concerts and other impermissible gatherings where music and alcohol and other drugs is and in those gatherings i would remove my niqab and hijab and wear things i shouldn't all because of my fmo and wanting to fit in with my non Muslim friends. I really cant help it especially when i feel pressured to attend. This year i told myself that i would not attend there was event that just passed it was supposed to be happening on Sunday and i told myself that i wouldn't get the tickets for it and i didn't. But there was event on Saturday and i went the whole of Saturday dodging my impulses to buy the tickets to go but then 2am Sunday morning i got tickets and went to the event (it ended at 5am) i compromised my deen again. My non Muslim friends were at both events and i mostly wanted to go to be with them both events. I am already someone who struggles with low emaan all the time. I dont pray ever because of procrastination and i do have the urge to i really do. The only time i prayed consistently ever was this year Ramadan and 2 months after. I had never felt so close to Allah and my deen than when i was praying consistently. I just feel so lost and that im destined for jahanam and i if carry on likes this there is no hope for me at all. I literally cannot to talk to anyone about this because im afraid of being judged by others and those close to me.

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear,

Sübhanallah you sounded very aware of the situation in your ask. Your words reflected someone who's mature enough and smart enough to know right from wrong. You are also fully aware of the consequences of your actions and that you are - in your own words - compromising your deen. The good thing is that the feeling of guilt or regret that you feel afterwards, the unpleasant feeling that settles in your gut, that actually shows that you have a pure heart, you have a good nature, a good fitrah, you just get carried away and you let shaytan manipulate you sometimes. See if you weren't a good girl and if you didn't love Allah swt, if you had completely gone astray then you wouldn't be feeling this way.

Now, what are you going to do about the situation? I feel like there are 3 major points, all of them have been discussed and mentioned before on this page in previous asks:

1) Do not despair of Allah's mercy. As long as we are still breathing, as long as there is still rooh in us, Allah's door is always open and we can always come back.

2) Recognize the shaytan's traps and stay away from them - close the door that will lead you to relapsing/ sinning

3) Strengthen your Eman with your daily remembrance ( adhkar ) and duaas: you need to shield yourself and protect yourself with reciting your morning and evening adhkar, as you will be asking Allah swt to protect you from all evil, from shaytan, to forgive you, to guide you. Adhkar are a believer's best friend. Once you commit to them you will definitely feel the change in your life even in the smallest details. There are apps that provide these adhkar with translation and the app would even notify you to remind you to recite them.

Listen my dear, you are a smart girl Allahuma barik, all you have to do is not act upon your impulses. And as an impulsive person myself, I know from the experience that the way to control that is to be one step ahead + Taqwa (awareness and consciousness of Allah swt). How? As for being one step ahead or let's call it prevention, you need to clean out your environment just like someone detoxing their body for them not to get sick or someone who's gonna start a diet so they clear out their kitchen and fridge from anything that's unhealthy and might be tempting. Like as a simple example, I would delete that app for the concerts/events.. which is related to point 2. And if the weekend is coming and you can anticipate that your friends will go out and invite you, prepare yourself to say no, practice saying no, or just straight up tell them that you can no longer associate with such environments! Because sweetie at the end of the day, the friends that are going to make you sin and are going to take you away from Allah swt are not your friends. But to be completely honest, I don't blame your friends, at the end of the day they're non-muslims, from their perspective there is nothing wrong with going to these events for them. It is your responsibility to stand up for what you believe and what you represent. I bet it is also very confusing for your friends to see as this Muslim girl who just removes her niqab and hijab ( and her beliefs) for a couple of hours to have fun?? I am so sorry to tell you that it reflects such a bad image of Islam, which is not what we are supposed to represent! I am trying to look for the softest way possible to tell you this but please never do that again! I know you might be wearing the hijab and the niqab for a different reason, maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe it's not your fault you don't understand their value, their meaning and their sacredness, maybe you didn't choose to wear them in the first place but please respect your hijab, and your niqab, please do not violate their sanctity by associating with alcohol and concerts. It is really painful to know you are going through this. I feel like we need to have a long conversation about the meaning of hijab and the reason why Muslim women choose to wear the niqab, about their meaning, about the mothers of the believers, about the sahabiyat who gave their lives for us to be walking around today in our hijabs, and why Islam in one word means to submit to Allah swt and obey His orders.

I don't want to make this too long for you, I just want you to know that I am not judging you, no human being is perfect, no muslim is pious enough or religious enough not to sin and not to make mistakes, we are all sinners in different ways, it is just Allah's mercy and setr that is covering us. But please sweetie, you sound like a mature young lady who can be responsible and can make good choices. So please make the right ones. In Islam Halal is clear and Haram is clear. There are no blurred lines. And if you are old enough to concerts alone and pay for them alone, then you are old enough to make the right decisions.

One last word: whatever you do, do not quit praying, it is the prayer that holds that string between you and Allah swt, it is the prayer that washes away the sins. May Allah swt accept from you.

I am sorry if anything I said came off as harsh. I hesitated for days before I could write this answer because I didn't want to be overly dramatic or come off as brutal 💔 May Allah swt guide us all. I pray that Allah swt forgive me the shortage of my answer. I wrote from the heart, in shaa Allah I managed to write what Allah swt had inspired me to convey. I pray from the bottom of my heart that Allah swt shows you right from wrong and guides your heart, ameen. Please stick to your adhkar, make istighfar as much as you can and send prayers upon Prophet Muhammad ﷺ as well.

Here are a couple of duaas you can recite in your sujud:

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغۡ قُلُوبَنَا بَعۡدَ إِذۡ هَدَيۡتَنَا وَهَبۡ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلۡوَهَّابُ

Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestow.

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك

Oh turner of the hearts, keep my heart steadfast upon your deen.

La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah 🥺.

- A. Z. 🍃🤍

[tandytoaster]

Tldr i think there is an attempt being made to groom me. For a second time. By the same person

I think i have a very good reason to be afraid. I was thinking about it today, how steve has been repeating himself over and over and over and over. The same thing, "if you need anyone I'm here your sister is here, you can call any time and I'll answer, if you want to come over you can"

When he called me last night I thought he was going to drop something terrible on me because 1. He's never called me 2. This is the most he's ever said to me in 15 years. I was like, "did something happen???" Because it came out of nowhere. 15 years after me trying to avoid him as much as possible, him UNDERSTANDING THAT, and then he calls me and is like, "we're here for you etc etc etc" I thought my mother took a turn for the worst I was fuckin scared.

While thinking today I was fighting with myself trying to look at this from an outsider's view which this probably looks like a concerned distant stepfather trying to awkwardly express his support and is trying to make sure I'm not bottling anything up. Like how someone who doesn't really know how to help when they can sense something is wrong so they just keep asking over and over if something is wrong.

But I've seen this pattern before. I remember it very fucking clearly.

I'm 10 years old I'm in a vulnerable spot. My mother is not nice to me. He sees this and He's nice to me. Says the same affectionate / supportive thing to me over and over. Yippee woo trust #earned

I'm 25 years old and I'm in a vulnerable spot. My mother almost died. I'm distraught. He sees this and is nice to me. Trying to earn trust, trying to repeatedly say supportive things to me, access denied.

And playing devil's advocate against myself I was thinking maybe I'm thinking too hard about this, is he really going to try something again is he really that stupid, or am I looking for a pattern which is why I see one.

But then I remembered a very, VERY crucial part in the equation. My mother is not there. She is not there, she is out of the house, removed from the setting but a part of the set up.

At 10 years old, things would happen when my mother was out of the house.

At 25 years old, Why Do You Keep Repeating That I Can Come Over Knowing My Mother Isnt There. Like when he says it I say "ok thank you" but he KEEPS. SAYING IT. benefit of the doubt says he just doesnt know what to say so he ends up repeating himself. But pattern recognition SCREAMS at me, "he's luring you in, you are being preyed upon once again" . Like it just seems like hes repeating it so I'll finally say, "okay I'll come over". Like yeah he could be worried I'm just saying that because I don't want to bother them or whatever but not be too stereotypical but I don't think a cis straight man in his 40's would put that much thought into it, especially with someone who he has not had regular contact with in 15 fucking years and knowing exactly why regular contact has not been occurring.

I feel like I have fair ground to stand on but I know anyone I could talk to about this within my family would say I'm looking too deep into it.

He KNOWS why i dont like him why i dont talk to him he knows all of that so why are you so comfortable talking to meeeee. Is it because I've been put in this situation where we have to interact so suddenly things are fine ? Do you think 'enough' time has passed ? This shit is why my mind has conjured up the, "i must have shifted timelines then since this shit doesnt add up" no they just dont want to believe it. Its too hard to deal with so they all pretend nothing happened.

The timeline shit is bullshit and bogus and i know thats delusional but i cant help but wonder. Whereas I KNOWWW the pattern recognition shit. That's real I'm sensing a real pattern here. Am I right to be afraid? Am I right to me skeptical? There's no way in HELL I'm going over to that house when its just me, him, and my sister. If worst comes to worst I will but I'll be glued to my sister the whole time.

Is my skepticism justified? Does my theory that I'm being lured track? Or does it look like I'm looking for a blue car and freaking out when i see a blue car saying its a sign

[eternitas]

OKAY FINE

Brainham time

Its a warm day in italy and early in the morning. Rena is just sniffling and sneezing and feels sluggish. But the premier is soon and they have still to iron out some scenes and reherse them so even if she hasnt slept that well she will push through!

She sneezes again and Hayato, preparing his coffee and having so far not commented on her snifflinf and sneezing is gettinf a bit agitated

"Are you getting sick or something?"

"No."

"Bullshit, check your temperature!"

"Ugh! Drop it. I gotta go!"

She doesnt but she wants to escape any mention of sickness, nopr she is not getting sick that's stupid. Also she has a premier to get ready for.

So she packs her stuff and goes out to groceryshop.

They dont need a lot but she had to leave.

Its so damn warm on this day. She feels so weak. Probably because she didnt sleep well.

Maybe she should at least take it easy tod--

Her phone rings and she takes the call

There has been an issue with the backdrop for the play and the seamstress is a bit behind and needs some help.

So before her group collects for rehersal she helps out at the theater.

By the time rehersal starts she is a bit wobbly on her feet

Her group notices and they are concerned but she says its fine and she will just not push herself so much.

So she pushes herself too much during rehersal, trying to demonstrate something in full swing when it suddenly gets all black before her eyes.

She wakes up on the floor a few of her members around her and someone is yelling to someone else that she woke up and she can faintly hear someone saying "--yes she just regained consciousness again."

She tries to get up but one of the larger guys gently prevents her from it.

"Don't move so fast or you might hurt yourself."

She feels ashamed to be making a scene but the entire ensemble agrees to stop here and get her home to lay down first. They will just reherse what they have without her and memorize the lines properly.

Rena is mayed to lay down with a wet cold towel on her head. Some wonder if its the heat, others wonder if she is getting sick.

someone mentions to get her a cab home while someone else says to first inform her boyfriend.

Yeah no- she wants to protest and say she will make it home alone when the big guy from before mentions that he has her boyfriends number for emergencies.

She silently curses for ever having given it to him but its also when the fever really kicks in and with it the cramps that make her sweat and writhe in pain. Its different from period cramps. and its painfull.

She knows hayato wont come and get her he is busy with work. Someone says they will quickly go buy some painkillers against the fever and the cramps.

When hayato is called he takes the call and listens, tensing as he looks to tsuna and then presses his lips together. Tsuna frowns confused.

"I... Have to talk with my boss. If I cant make it I will definitely send someone asap." then he hangs up.

"What's wrong?"

"Rena collapsed at the theater, she has a fever and cramps."

Tsuna and Yamamotos eyes widen

"You should go get her home then!"

"But-"

"Gokudera!"

Before he can even start with his counter argument Tsuna nips it in the bud. He is not having that.

"I do not accept being the reason why you do not aid your partner during her time of need. I can handle myself and Yamamoto is still with me."

(a bit further away ava makes a soft "Oooh! :O" and claps into his hands while Sergey whistles. "He really sounds like a boss now!")

Tsunas cheeks turn slightly red at rhe praise feom afar but he stands his ground and Gokudera wirh gritted teeth bows.

"Thank you, Neo Primo. I'll be going then."

And as soon as he has officially clocked out he fucking SPRINTS to get to the cars.

Her ensemble meanwhile worries and debates if to get her a cab after all but then decide to wait at least till their one member returns with the painmeds.

The guy comes back and Rena takes the meds asking ro get a bit more time to relax before she goes home. Ahe will just lay down on the sofa outside. One of rhe girls offers to stay with her just in case and the rest return to rehersal.

Luckily tsuna and co were already close so hayato turns up quickly and parks right in a restricted area.

He rings the bell to the theater and the rehersal stops for a second before someone decides to go open the door.

Rena sits up wondering who it might be bc that was way too fast to be hayato or someone he sent.

So thr door opens and whoop its hayato who quickly moves towards rhe theaterhall to get rena, stopping when he sees her on the sofa right outside.

"Hayato?!"

"Oh yeah, you look aweful."

"Thanks-" she sniffs again and takes a tissue to wipe her nose.

"I'll take her home now." he tells the two members who just nod

"C-can I at least say goodbye to everyone?"

"If its quick."

The other two member tell the ensemble and rhey all stop for a moment to say goodbye at least with the tallest of the guys frowning.

"Some asshole psrked their Maserati on the restricted area." hayato frowns

"That's my work car."

It gets uncomfortably quiet.

"Doesn't change that its a restricted area."

"Don't worry, I'm leaving now." he says in his usual tone and Rena weakly slaps his side.

"Behave."

He wants to retort something but doesnt, for her sake and instead lifts her up in a bridal carry

"I'll take her home now."

"What are--!" Rena blushes but then scrambles foe words asking if anyone has another key for the facility and the tallest holds up his keyring promising to close up when they're done.

Someone holds open the doors for them snd its a short walk to the car.

"If you didnt rush out but listened to me and checked your temo this morning this wouldnt have happened."

"I have s premier to prepare for! You'd drag yourself ro work even if you had gotten your legs chopped off!"

He pauses. "Fair."

At home he lays her down in bed and makes sure she is taken care off, ordering food for the both of them and checking in with Shamal to come by and have a look st her.

of course not without threatening that if the guy does ANYTHING dodgy, Dera will kill him.

Even tho he does return to work the next day he gives her a pager for emergencies and says that chrome said she'd come by to check on rena later.

She recovers well