#and called me an antisemite and told me to shut up

[lee-jinkis-ponytail]

literally wanna vom over how a lot of "leftists" (liberals) are now sharing all the "democracy dies in darkness / I don't know how to convince you to care about other people" memes when college students have been brutalized for protesting our government's ongoing support of the palestinian genocide. where were you all this last year? why were you all silent until your own rights were on the line?

[jasontoddisrightfuckyou]

I’m going to take your tags in good faith and try to explain. Cryptotheism was NOT simply throwing in antisemitism as a buzzword. They probably assumed most people knew that what they were talking about were common antisemitism dog whistles but unfortunately most non Jews are completely oblivious to this stuff. I don’t say this to be mean, it’s simply true.

The idea that there are shadowy groups kidnapping white, implicitly or explicitly Christian children, for sex and blood rituals, for torture or sex trafficking is an extremely common element of antisemitic conspiracy theories and slander. The idea that Jews ritually murder Christian children is called blood libel and dates back centuries. In more recent times, stories of cabals abducting and trafficking children are a form of recycled blood libel.

Op was not saying that sex trafficking does not happen, they were urging people to be wary of stories of mysterious figures abducting white upper class children. Please don’t act like there was no reason to discuss antisemitism.

first of! thank you for taking my tags as good faith and explaining!!

I genuinely did not know that was a conspiracy theory and slander that people spread and believed. that is fucking horrific.

I am glad you explained this to me, bc antisemitism is a real and very big issue and i didnt want it to become trivialised by being used as a buzzword.

However I will say that OP probably should've phrased things better of what exactly they wanted to have said, and should've expanded on why the conspiracy theory was antisemitic. Furthermore calling sex trafficking a "conspiracy theory." is highly disrespectful to the people, like me, who have been on it. The conspiracy theory is rather the antisemitism you explained to me above, and the idea that a stranger on in your home town will yank you off the street. OP is right that the idea of a random person kidnapping a privleged middle class person from the street to traffick is unlikely

but that's bc that's not what human trafficking is

it would never be successful if it kept taking people, society and news would look for, notice went missing, and care about

human trafficking tragets poor neighbourhood, abuse or neglect victims, refugees, immigrants, solo travelers, the homeless, POC

thing thing about human trafficking is it is notorious for being very successful in not being caught and there are very few survivors that come back to regular society as well as going after people whose aren't likely to my noticed/reported as missing or where a lot of resources won't be put on for searching for them

like the abuse victims whose family or friends either sell them into it, or are don't notice/care they go missing. illegal immigrants can't even file a missing reports if someone goes missing at fear of being deported. the native women and children are disappearing in us and Canada without anyone looking for them. the refugees and immigrants just. disappear

calling all of human and sex trafficking a "conspiracy theory" without explain what you mean by that, is deeply disrespectful

[infiniteglitterfall]

I guess this might be why the UK seemed to go so antisemitic so quickly

I'm researching the 1947 pogroms in the UK. (Actually, I'm researching all the pogroms and massacres of Jews in the past 200 years. Which today led me to discover that there were pogroms in the UK in 1947.)

From an article on "The Postwar Revival of British Fascism," all emphasis mine:

Given the rising antisemitism and widespread ignorance about Zionism [in the UK in 1947], fascists were easily able to conflate Zionist paramilitary attacks with Judaism in their speeches, meaning British Jews came to be seen as complicit in violence in Palestine.

Bertrand Duke Pile, a key member of Hamm’s League, informed a cheering crowd that “the Jews have no right to Palestine and the Jews have no right to the power which they hold in this country of ours.” Denouncing Zionism as a way to introduce a wider domestic antisemitic stance was common to many speakers at fascist events and rallies. Fascists hid their ideology and ideological antisemitism behind the rhetorical facade of preaching against paramilitary violence in Palestine.

One of the league’s speakers called for retribution against “the Jews” for the death of British soldiers in Palestine. This was, he told his audience, hardly an antisemitic expression. “Is it antisemitism to denounce the murderers of your own flesh and blood in Palestine?” he asked his audience. Many audience members, fascist or not, may well have felt the speaker had a point. ...[The photo of two British sergeants hanged by the Irgun in retaliation for the Brits hanging three of their members] promptly made numerous appearances at fascist meetings, often attached to the speaker’s platform. In at least one meeting, several British soldiers on leave from serving in Palestine attended Hamm’s speech, giving further legitimacy to his remarks. And with soldiers and policemen in Palestine showing increasing signs of overt antisemitism as a result of their experiences, the director of public prosecutions warned that the fascists might receive a steady stream of new recruits.

MI5, the U.K. domestic security service, noted with some alarm that “as a general rule, the crowd is now sympathetic and even spontaneously enthusiastic.” Opposition, it was noted in the same Home Office Bulletin of 1947, “is only met when there is an organized group of Jews or Communists in the audience.”

The major opposition came from the 43 Group, formed by the British-Jewish ex-paratrooper Gerry Flamberg and his friends in September 1946 to fight the fascists using the only language they felt fascists understood — violence. The group disrupted fascist meetings for two purposes: to get them shut down by the police for disorder, and to discourage attendance in the future by doling out beatings with fists and blunt instruments. By the summer of 1947, the group had around 500 active members who took part in such activities. Among these was a young hairdresser by the name of Vidal Sassoon, who would often turn up armed with his hairdressing scissors.

The 43 Group had considerable success with these actions, but public anger was spreading faster than they could counter the hate that accompanied it. The deaths of Martin and Paice had touched a nerve with the populace. On Aug. 1, 1947, the beginning of the bank holiday weekend and two days after the deaths of the sergeants, anti-Jewish rioting began in Liverpool. The violence lasted for five days. Across the country, the scene was repeated: London, Manchester, Hull, Brighton and Glasgow all saw widespread violence. Isolated instances were also recorded in Plymouth, Birmingham, Cardiff, Swansea, Newcastle and Davenport. Elsewhere, antisemitic graffiti and threatening phone calls to Jewish places of worship stood in for physical violence. Jewish-owned shops had their windows smashed, Jewish homes were targeted, an attempt was made to burn down Liverpool Crown Street Synagogue while a wooden synagogue in Glasgow was set alight. In a handful of cases, individuals were personally intimidated or assaulted. A Jewish man was threatened with a pistol in Northampton and an empty mine was placed in a Jewish-owned tailor shop in Davenport.

And an important addendum:

I've read a whole bunch of articles about the pogroms in Liverpool, Manchester, Salford, Eccles, Glasgow, etc.

Not one of them has mentioned that the Irgun, though clearly a terrorist group, was formed in response to 18 years of openly antisemitic terrorism, including multiple incredibly violent massacres. Or that it consistently acted in response to the murders of Jewish civilians, not on the offensive. Or that at this point, militant Arab Nationalist groups with volunteers and arms from the Arab League countries had been attacking Jewish and mixed Arab-Jewish neighborhoods for months.

I just think the "Jewish militants had been attacking the British occupiers" angle is incredibly Anglocentric.

Yeah, they were attacking the British occupiers. But also, that's barely the tip of the iceberg.

Everyone involved hated the Brits at this point. If only al-Husseini and his ilk had hated the Brits more than they hated the Jews, Britain could at least have united them by giving them a common enemy.

[thequeeranachronism]

As a leftist Jew it was already apparent to me before October 7th that leftist goyim will weaponize anti Zionism to get Jews to shut up. I’ve talked about antisemitism in leftist and queer spaces long before October 7th and have gotten on at least one block list for being a sneaky Je— crypto-Zionist trying to brainwash leftists.

I still remember an admin of a leftist Facebook group immediately and aggressively interrogating me for whether I was a Zionist or not the minute I mentioned being Jewish on a post; which of course had nothing to do with Israel.

Being told that I can’t possibly care both about the hostages and Palestinians. That I can’t point out that a call for ceasefire without calling for releasing the hostages will be ultimately ineffective. I was told off for grieving the loss of life on October 7th and calling it a terrorist attack.

If leftist Jews don’t feel safe at your protests then how are we supposed to work towards peace along side you? If even the JVP (not a very Jewish organization basically a joke amongst most Jews) can be called Zionists then how do we work with you? It seems intentionally or not (and I do believe with a lot of people it is intentional) leftist goyim are pushing Jews out of leftist spaces.

Ultimately as a leftist Jew I feel abandoned by my fellow leftists and I know a lot of other leftist Jews feel the same.

[queer-geordie-dyke]

I am nearly 40 years old and I've considered myself a leftist politically since I was old enough to form my own opinions. Have I always been a shining moral example? Definitely not - there have absolutely been times when I've had unexamined prejudices and been called out on them. It's deeply uncomfortable having to examine your own prejudices and to be told that you're wrong, and I get the instinct to push back.

But never in my entire life have I seen as much doubling down and ignoring of minority voices and as much mask off bigotry as I have seen this last month in reaction to Jews telling pro Palestine activists that a lot of what they're doing is blatant antisemitism and actively harmful to their community.

Absolutely, advocate and uplift Palestinian voices and draw attention to what is happening, because what is happening is utterly appalling.

But when you happily parrot genocidal slogans like 'From the River to the Sea' while totally ignoring anyone's attempts to tell you why that is so hideously problematic, when you unironically call for the total eradication of the only Jewish nation state on earth in a way that you never ever do for other nations whose governments have committed similar or worse crimes, when you happily chant shit like "Death to Zionist pigs" without the first clue what that word actually means (hint: it's not shorthand for 'evil barely humans who want all Palestinians dead' and it's incredibly disgusting to use it that way. Zionists believe in the Jewish right to return to and live on their ancestral homeland. That's it. That's all) then don't think for one solitary minute you possess any kind of moral high ground.

And when leftists who usually loudly proclaim the right of indigenous peoples to return to their land have the audacity to turn around and say to Jews "not you though - actually you're terrible and evil for even wanting such a thing. Never mind that the rest of the world has engaged in your wholesale dehumanisation and slaughter for thousands of years, your desire for your homeland is the bad thing actually" what is that hypocrisy but blatant antisemitism? Please, enlighten me.

When a Jewish person tells you are peddling in antisemitism, just shut the fuck up and listen.

A caveat to this is that I am not Jewish, I don't know any Jewish people IRL, none of this impacts me personally. But I am a human being, and will not and cannot stay silent about the hypocrisy and outright dehumanisation of other human beings by people who cannot for the life of them either open a history book or take the time to actually listen to the people this impacts and instead just perform their self righteous little dance.

[hg-aneh]

will you ever come back, or is this an indefinite hiatus/straight up dipping?

i don't know

all the i miss yous are making me want to come back but ik i would just be terrified and motionless as soon as i do

Vent-ish Rant downstairs

CW: Pedophilia, Antisemitism, Suicide, Ableism, Harassment, Bullying, all the important words except for murder basically

i want to fix things in private with the people who hurt me so things can be okay and I don't out them for being wieners

but i also want everyone to know who hurt me, yet I'm aware it's not the right choice to make. social media outrage barely leads to anything, specially where minors are concerned

hell,now that i think about it, considering the fact that they genuinely don't believe people older than them are allowed to have feelings, I don't even think talking would be the right move

it's scary, its fucking scary

fuck. the whole thing started with a person mocking the way i spoke about crowley telling me to stop babying him because i was a legal adult and shouldn't be speaking like that

i had just turned 18 and the person was only a year younger than me

like when it's gone to that point and shit is that fucked up, what can one person even do

i remember i laughed about it back then but truth be told, every single little thing I've been told and that I've listened to coming from the people who hurt me has fucking destroyed me as a person

I looked at my older Discord messages, from before this whole mess started. I was so fucking happy and shameless with my joy, now look at my sorry ass

i just.

it's crazy that i have to go around masking in social media of all places because there are people that take such offense to me being cringe that they legitimately turn into high school mean girls

it's crazy that there are people who claim I'm something i am not because they want to make me look bad in the eyes of their little circlejerking friend groups so they can feel like the hero of the story

it's crazy that empathy goes completely out of the window when an account is big, that people don't see human beings as human beings when they're behind a screen

"just log off lol" i am a lonely shut in motherfucker due to my autism (that, surprise surprise, hinders my ability to socialize), you do not understand what you're asking of me, specially while being in this country and at this point in time where I'm actively craving to kick the metaphorical bucket, at daily risk of doing so, and what basically is house arrest for my own safety and well being

(aka, avoiding to physically yeet myself into upcoming traffic or buying something to actually seal the deal)

thus far I've been accused of antisemitism, pedophilia, being too self-centered (which. bro, the reason why i talk about myself is because it's the one thing i can comment on without being scared of some random person coming to tell me "NuH uH" about it out of nowhere or worse, having their feelings hurt because I don't agree with them 100%), proshipper (which, to those people, the word implies wonderful labels such as "incest apologist" "pedophile" (again) "abuse endorser" among other things) ((sidenote, I'm on neither side on that particular discourse. my friends from both sides know this. I would elaborate on my stance if this wasn't already long enough, but it is, so I'm leaving it at an "I don't care, you do you, but please leave me out of it")), being... mean... because i blocked someone...? (this one is just. that's how the second wave of hate started btw. yeah, because i blocked someone. holy fuck), and there's probably a handful of other things I haven't seen yet. fuck it, there's probably someone out there calling me a zoophile because of my catboy au

My friends who I will not name because I don't want the high school mean girls crusade to get to them, have helped me stash out evidence for all of the accusations and bullying.

fuck, they were the ones who let me know about it on the first place, both actions for which i am eternally thankful for because it means I can defend myself properly should the occasion arise (dios no quiera)

I've already had to make a post on Xitter responding to the antisemitism and pedophilia claims, in which, for the latter, i had to reveal extremely personal information for the people who started this to give me respite if only for a while

and. ugh

What I'm trying to get at with all of this is. it's. coming back is scary. i want to but at the same time I don't think I can take this shit anymore

I wish I had people defending me like this when the harassment started because I'm a spineless little bitch who'd rather talk things out and at least be neutral with people than clap back and tell them to stop being stinky

but what's done is done and now i just gotta figure out how to fix my head before i do something stupid

this is not the full story obviously, I'm cutting off certain details as well as more personal depression stuff to not make this bible longer than it already is

fuck

TLDR: I need a hug, idk if I'm coming back, I probably will cuz I can't say no to people, and some teenagers are horrible

[jewish-vents]

I lost my best friend of 25 years over this conflict. She was being purposely cagey about it because she didn't want to lose me, and knew she would. On the 7th itself when I turned to my best friend to help me through my grief and terror she just said "I'm not the right person to discuss this with. I'm getting on a plane. Can't talk. Bye."

And she left me to burn

I probably should have known it then. She told me she didn't want to talk about it because I might think she's antisemitic, as that's the pressing thing when the world just declared it's intent to hunt and kill me in horrible ways.

"I can't relate but I support you, but please don't talk about it with me."

How is that support?

And how could I talk about anything else?

And then she changes the subject to someone saying something minor to her at work which set her into a crying fit, because she makes it a priority to tell me she bursts into tears 4 times a day every day so I can't ever have too strong of a negative emotion or it will set her off.

And then she told me she loves me but she can't say she likes Jews because "I haven't met all the other Jews." As though she'd ever say that to a Black friend about their entire people. She is the Most Progressive, you see, she is Very Aware Of Her White Privilege and stuff. She works with immigrants and would sooner jump off a bridge than give off a whiff of bigotry towards them.

But I'm a Jew.

She finally tells me she doesn't support Israeli striking back because there's children being hit. She hasn't seen any evidence to justify Israel's response. I ask to show her some. She refuses. You see she gets to have her uninformed opinion, gets the luxury of staying that way, she can just change the subject, I'm The Jew, that's my Jewish business.

My pain has always been her concern but not when it's Jew-related. I'm to hide that lest she burst into tears.

I gradually stop talking to her. She sends me anxious messages saying "I'm not sure if I can even ask how you are or if that's any of my business"

This from the woman who purposely made it not her business, DEMANDED it not be her business, and now she sniffing around like a hungry dog after telling me to just ignore it, that it's just online, that I should **uwu** watch my cortisol **uwu**

You need cortisol, I say, when you're being hunted. Sometimes cortisol is called for. She starts crying. How could I say that. She can't talk about this. It's too much for her. My cortisol is just too much for her. So now I have to shut up, because she's crying.

No one hunting her but she's crying

It felt like she was just hoping to wait around, have her private antisemitism, like she could hide her eyes from me, like I couldn't read her judging silence and her quiet insistence that though she admittedly knew nothing she certainly knew better than ME what was right. And if we get close, boom. Tears.

I felt so talked down to and invalidated. When I brought this up she said "I validate you" like that's a magic spell, you can just say the magic words AND that will cure neglect.

I finally blew up at her and of course there was big manipulative tears because how DARE I think she might have bigotry and how DARE I draw away from her after she made it clear she had no interest in my pain, after she tried so so so hard to hide it and used all the gentle parenting language she learned in her DEI courses to placate me, the Hysterical Jew.

I will always hate myself for apologizing to her for being angry, for my big violent emotions she would have preferred to ignore until I get over my weird Jewish thing, so I can get back to being the person she can subtly look down on and be holier than, and so she can cry to me, and cry, and cry, and cry, because someone gave her a minor correction at work and not because she's being hunted for being a Jew.

We should be able to disagree about politics, she says. We can't disagree about my existence and basic safety, I say. You don't deserve to be bathed in hate, get offline, she says.

They vandalized my synagogue. They attacked my friend's daughter on campus. That's awful, she says. I don't support that. Anyway, at work today -

We don't talk anymore. Haven't for months. Don't know if we ever will again. I've been angry at her every day. I feel like I let her get away with it. She gets to go out into the world feeling like she's right and Israel is evil and she used to have a Jewish friend who turned out to be craaaazy, it's terrible what Zionism does to those people. I'm sure she'll get clout at her super leftist workplace where she can never be progressive enough. Where she helps put DEI policies in schools and libraries that treat antisemitism as though it's a non-problem.

I'm just another oppressor-class Jew to her. Couldn't center her over my Jew Issues

I'm so angry at her and so angry at myself for not handling it better, for holding back, for indulging her crocodile tears and handling her with kid gloves, for not calling her out for manipulating me into muting my truth and thinking I'm so dumb that she could just refuse to address it, like I wouldn't know, for expecting me to just "get over" my people being slaughtered, for needing her and then sticking around long after she left me to die

.

[a-very-tired-jew]

Fandomization, Fervor, and Fuck Off

A consistent and appalling behavior since October has been the fandomization of the I/P Conflict by anti-Zionists and co. Many of us on this site have documented and talked about such behavior. From my own personal experience it reminded me of certain anime fandoms back in the day when they first emerged. If you weren't talking about it and it wasn't all consuming then you were a problem. I remember conventions being hell as these new fandoms crashed photo shoots and panels that weren't about them. The way in which anti-Zionists crash into other issues to make it about their particular one is reminiscent of these behaviors. As I've stated before, my toes are dipped into a variety of scientific topics as an ecologist. One of them is climate change and for the past few months the conversation within CC spheres has been forcibly turned to I/P and the "wanton destruction of the Palestinian landscape by the evil Jews Zionists. Thereby proving they're not indigenous because no indigenous culture would destroy their landscape." Never mind that the conversation prior to that moment was about pollinator loss due to climate change and habitat loss. This is Fandomization and Fervor. The want to drive your fandom into every single topic and make it everything. But now? We're in the Fuck Off stage, and I don't mean this as us telling anti-Zionists to fuck off, I mean the Fandom is telling people within it to Fuck Off or, at least, shut up. Since the beginning of this conflict there have been moderate voices within the anti-Zionist activist movement. We talk about the outright antisemitic and hate fueled ones here, but don't talk about these persons enough. The Moderates are the ones within these spheres that get pointed to when we bring up antisemitism because they bring nuance to the movement and try to curb the worst of the vitriol. They are the ones that screen capped and held up besides the token "Good Jews". While they didn't necessarily have as much of an impact in the beginning of the conflict due to the lack of numbers and the overwhelming fervor, zealouness, and righteousness of anti-Zionists, they are being noticed now. Many of the spaces I am in that posted incessantly every day and had multitudes of conversations about I/P throughout them have now become relatively silent. There might be a brief conversation over the course of 30 minutes here or there, an article gets posted every few days, and the AJ update is the only daily posting. Now, when larger conversations kick off there is more attention paid to the Moderates and the nuance they bring because it's not rapid fire anymore. People don't have to scroll back through hundreds of messages to find the nuance, it's right there and it's loud and clear. So they're being told to Fuck Off In every space I am in I have seen some variation of "Shut up, every time you talk the conversation ends" told to the Moderates. Why? Because each time they are addressing something that would have radicalized people earlier in the conflict. They are addressing outright hate and/or contradictory messaging. The culmination of which has been talking about the Islamic Republic's recent attack on Israel. I have seen them blatantly call out their activist community for celebrating an attack by a country that stands antithetical to everything its members say they stand for (LGBTQ+ rights, women's rights, political rights, etc...) and jails, tortures, and kills people like them. As such, the Fervor and radicalization of new fandom members can't happen, and I see it angering the people whose entire identity has revolved around the Fandom and the hatred associated with it. The cognitive dissonance that the Moderates invoke in the radicals has resulted in some outright hatred in these communities that I thought was reserved only for us Jews. But now? Now it's clear that the most ardent members of the Fandom are just full of hate. That's it. They don't actually care of Palestinians, they just want to justify their hate and wallow in it.

[spacelazarwolf]

I've been attending a queer community group for 6 months in a small city. I don't talk about myself since I'm fleeing violence and just go to be around people I don't work with. Yesterday i was hanging out with someone from that group, outside of the group, for the first time. They thanked me for making the group more accepting by being openly Jewish. They've started making their events less Xtian, making plans behind closed doors to be more open to non xtians/atheists, and shutting down antisemitism super aggressively since they found out I'm Jewish. They threatened to kick people from group last week when they told an antisemitic joke (once I was out of the room as to not upset me). There's only one problem.

I'm not Jewish.

I grew up in a primarily Jewish community. I've attended a lot of events and gatherings at Synagogues my whole life. I can say "I don't speak Hebrew" in Hebrew. And I am not Jewish. 2 or 3 months ago people were trash talking religion but clearly just meant Xtian and I corrected them to say Xtian when they mean Xtian, citing my queer Jewish *friends* as people who have not had the same religious queerphobia, and good religious experiences in general. I was thanked, conversation kept going, and I did not know it until last night.

I immediately corrected my friend. They think this is hilarious. I am consulting a rabbi on if I can ethically only correct people when they make it known to me that they think I'm Jewish, since I'm apparently making an impact on the group in a positive way when they assume. I feel insane. Goyim will hear you don't think Jewish people are homophobic and assume you are Jewish bc there is no other explanation I guess. Feel free to toss your two cents in on this comedy of errors while I wait for the rabbi to get back to me.

allying so hard u accidentally trip into the mikveh.

honestly though, it is really funny to me how many goyim think that the only people who could possibly defend jews are other jews. this is a pretty consistent issue in progressive spaces, so i'm glad you're calling it out.

[lostthenfoundmyself]

Someone reblogged to one of my posts ranting about how “goy” is a slur. Debated whether to respond or not, but ultimately this is so ridiculous that it’s probably not worth feeding the trolls. Posting it here as a compromise to myself, because I’m actually very bad at shutting up.

It’s not a slur. Just isn’t. It’s a Yiddish word. Is gentile a slur? Because it’s literally the same thing, except it got adopted by Christians.

The idiot repeats the word multiple times without censoring it, if it was actually a slur you’d expect them to censor it or at least tw in the tags.

I used the word exactly once on my blog, in this post, in a way that was clearly just me being informal and not me insulting non-Jews in general. I said that “your average goy” probably doesn’t know what a pogrom is. As a statement of fact. Not as in “ooo goys are horrible,” not in an othering or pejorative sense. I don’t know about all the massacres of Confucian scholars or if they had any special name. Like, this is just pointing out a lack of information, not insulting.

Some people using a word pejoratively does not make it a slur. They brought up a bizarre example (possibly a purposely-misrepresented reference to people calling people in the anti-Israel movement “sheep” though who knows what’s going through this person’s head?) of the word being used that way. Well, I’ve seen people compare Jews to a pestilence and other stuff I’m not gonna say. And you know what? “Jew” still isn’t a slur!

Also told me to stop “begging ‘goyish sympathy’ for Israeli crimes.” Dude, if it’s a slur, stop using it. And also, um, I clearly stated in my tags that I was not tagging it with the normal related tags because it was just a personal vent. I tagged it with jumblr tags and antisemitism as a warning. I did not ask for your sympathy. I did not ask for you to interact with me. If you don’t want to see thoughts like mine don’t hang out on the tags “jumblr,” “Jewish,” “antisemitism,” and “am yisrael chai.” Block them or something idc. Like I’m sorry, but that post is so insanely easy for unsympathetic gentiles (is that better?) to avoid.

And the “you and your people are not special?”(Hmm…doesn’t seem to be talking about Israelis here seeing as I’m American…so much for the “just antizionist! uwu” crowd!) I never said we were. All I think is that Jews deserve the same rights and protections and respects afforded to other ethnicities. Self-determination. The right to self-defense. Acknowledgement of our basic humanity.

But that’s too much to ask for some people, isn’t it?

[weemietime]

https://www.tumblr.com/weemietime/767057500199682049/i-just-lost-a-close-friend-to-antisemitism-and-im?source=share

WARNING! VERY Long ask ahead. I’m very very sorry. You can delete this lol.

thank you so much for your kind words. Honestly, the most shocking part was that this all happened at seven in the morning.

Yes, they dm-ed me all the racist nonsense at 7 AM. To be fair, I made all of my IG story posts the night before, but still. Seven is quite a bit too early to exhibit racism and xenophobia (I’m also an African immigrant and he had much to say about that lol). I think he was triggered by my posts about the Amsterdam pogrom (and the following antisemitic incidents in Amsterdam and Paris that have occurred after the football match incident, I don’t know if that can all collectively be counted as one massive pogrom spanning days or just multiple antisemitic attacks continuously occurring??? Idk) because the perpetrators of the acts of violence at the football match happened to include Muslims and Arabs (not all of them, but quite a lot) and he himself is a Lebanese American, so I guess I can see why he would automatically be triggered by them, but I never singled out Arabs or Muslims.

The posts simply pointed out antisemitic rhetoric and that what happened was indeed a pogrom, even if nobody passed on. They said nothing about Arabs or Muslims really. Maybe the post by rootsmetals giving a timeline of the current conflict (7 Oct and further back in time), but nothing blaming anyone.

These are the posts in shared in no particular order.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DA8_KvxSntl/?

https://www.instagram.com/p/DCGkT9rtuaj/?

https://www.instagram.com/p/DCGCgoHyygI/?

https://www.instagram.com/p/C89bXG_tmBg/?

https://www.instagram.com/p/DCKpAdBNM7l/?

He got upset at the post stating that (not word for word) people (leftists mainly) are more comfortable eagerly calling out racism when it comes to every other group that isn’t Jewish people as well.

He tried to rebut by saying that we learn about the holocaust in schools, so therefore we learn more about Jews that anyone else (even though when schools teach the holocaust, they don’t exactly focus on the victims of it, they mainly talk about the Nazis and their methods so… he’s still wrong lol. I also told him that in the US we mainly learn about the holocaust because the US was directly involved with WW2, so you really mainly get taught about it because it’s US history… not because the school system cares about Jewish people lol)

He then proceeded to say to me, a black African, in no particular order:

“you’re just as bad as the colonisers you hate”

(in reference to the post by that_semite, I suppose he was triggered by the mention of “free Palestine” in that post). I tend to talk a lot about the effects of colonialism on the African continent when discussing politics with my friends so this text from a “friend” was interesting to wake up to first thing in the morning.

“It’s crazy being from *insert African country* and using a domesticated mindset”

(‘domesticated’ is a particularly interesting term to use, as if I’m a dog. Also, why am I being put into a box because I’m African? Am I not allowed to be a free thinker or am I only allowed to think certain things due to where I’m from?)

“you are letting European viewpoints overcome”

Again, how is calling out antisemitism a European viewpoint? Am I supposed to shut up about it?

“you’re blaming antisemitism on the Palestinian movement”

I never did that. Ever. Calling out antisemitism that’s in the movement is not blaming antisemitism on that movement.

called me a “racist and a coloniser/genocide sympathiser”

not once in our conversation did I even mention Israelis, the people he is calling colonisers. I do not personally think Israelis are colonisers, but even then. Am I supposed to ignore that they were attacked after the football match? I also never said anything about Arabs, I don’t know how calling out antisemitic makes me a racist.

said that I was “over victimising Jews to push an agenda”

No comment. Deep sigh.

said that I was “attacking Palestinian resistance by pretending that it was a pogrom”

No comment. Deeper sigh. He actually spelled it “program” though, which was quite funny.

couldn’t respond when I asked him to name any other antisemitic attack/event or events other than the holocaust. Are we surprised?

Said that I was “using Jewish hate to spawn hate on other groups”

No comment. Deepest sigh.

Tried to demean me by calling me “girly” in the middle of argument. I’m not in the mood to explain why calling a black person “girl” or “boy” or any variation of that to demean them is racist, but yeah. I’ll leave this here though. https://www.wlrn.org/news/2017-05-15/black-women-on-being-called-girl-in-the-workplace

Half of the people in our friend group unfollowed me after my IG story posts. I’m expecting the rest to unfollow me when they go online.

Am I surprised that he turned out to be racist? No. I had an inkling about it, I just wasn’t expecting to actually be right.

And all of this happened at seven in the morning. That’s the worst part, I think.

WOOF that's a Whole Fucking Lot to unpack at any time of day, let alone when you just wake up.

Sad to say from what you've shared it sounds like this dude has been fully radicalized into a lot of xenophobic gibberish, and he spares no time throwing as many people under the bus as humanly possible on his way to run over Jews.

It sucks immensely that you wound up taking the brunt of it, but I hope you do take some solace from 1) at least this moron showed his true colors so you can take out the trash, and 2) being able to say you stuck to your ideals and spoke up against harmful rhetoric.

No matter what your opinion of Israel and Palestine, an ethnic conflict spanning literal centuries with a high degree of confusion and nuance throughout that lends to further complexity, "it's wrong for a grown man to beat up up a 14 year old for being Jewish" should not be an extremist sentiment.

Our political atmosphere today has gotten absolutely bat shit when it comes to polarizing views, but it says a lot about that guy that he clearly does not view others around him as fully fledged human beings. The dehumanizing shit he levied at you in particular is fucking berserk, and I'm sorry your other "friends" didn't see any problem with it, either.

[jewreallythinkthat]

Hey there! (possible tw of antisemitism/hate speech?) I'm not Jewish (I'm Unitarian) but is it wrong of me / overstepping? to get angry at a friend of mine for being like I don't trust Jewish people with everything going on and I'm just like HUH???? And I haven't messaged him in days. And someone told me that I'm overstepping y'alls boundaries by being like no that was really mean of him wtf, and I have like paranoia issues so I'm like aaaah?? Of course I'm not wanting to make it about me, I just want to make sure I'm not overstepping boundaries and how could I even approach this in the future bc now I'm like wtf???? Idk, I'm just mad for Jewish people, love u guys. 🫂

Calling out racism is never overstepping. Whomever told you otherwise is being an idiot. No one would ever accept someone saying they don't trust PoC or they don't trust Muslims or they don't trust *literally any other minority group in a region*.

Out of interest was the person who said you were overstepping jewish? If they aren't, I'd be wary of anything they say since they seem perfectly happy to let racism spread. If they were, then I honestly dont understand why they would say that. We need people standing up for us in rooms we aren't in. There are literally not enough of us to stand up for ourselves no matter how much we want to because there are too many voices shouting us down.

If you do want to push back, and honestly it's up to you if you think it would achieve anything or you just dont want to talk to this person anymore, I would ask them to explain why they don't trust Jews. What's their reasoning and can they justify why they think it's acceptable to say something so overtly racist? Jews are literally being attacked in the streets, beaten to unconsciousness on university campuses, abducted and potentially raped in "revenge for Palestine" in France. I think Jewish people have every right to be wary of people and a lot of us have lost patience for letting things slide.

I think many people are upset that they are being called out for things they say that they should have been called out for years ago because suddenly they can't say they aren't racist, so instead of changing their behaviour, they simply demonize Jews and say that we accuse anyone who says something we don't like of antisemitism, and then they try to explain to us what the hatred we have experienced really is despite them being the perpetrators.

From my experience, the best way to shut down this sort of behaviour is ask the person to explain it and don't them gloss over it. Dig, and push and force them to explain their real reasoning and then at least you can make a more informed decision about where to take it from there.

Sending hugs x

(if anyone on jumblr wants to add to this, please do. I've made a few generalisations for my personal experience but as always, I'd love to know if you guys have different views)

[f0point5]

This may be completely left of field so don't answer this if you don't want to, but I'm pissed off and need to get this off my chest. Im sick of this f1 community and there "activism". Ive gotta give some context to what im going on about, this is regarding f1 fans and their continued belief that they are right and the drivers should be so left winged and hippie esque people.

Firstly regarding lewis and his OG insta story about the Palestine/isreal war, from my view point that wasn't taking sides that was asking for a ceasefire and peace FOR ALL. All these f1 fans and lewis fans think he's some amazing top tier moral belief guy, but he still hangs out and according to them dating some Brazilian model who has and continues to post pro isreal content, supposedly going agaisnt boy/friend lewis' moral beliefs as according to his fans. So if he's so morals based and is stance on his pro Palestine side according again to his fans who'll read anything the way they want for it to be portrayed why is he associated with her? Maybe because he's not as pro Palestine as these people think or maybe he's neutral but knew people would "rely on him" 🙄 to be the "political humanitarian" driver 🙄 nothing wrong with using your platform for the better but stop with God esque stature.

Side bar lewis' friend Shaun White settled a law suit with a alleged victim over sexual harassment claims in 2018... no one talks about that huh? Bit high horse there huh lewis. Friends with a dude who settled a lawsuit and even admitted of doing some of the alleged wrongdoings but talking high and mighty about the Christian Horner situation.

And this leads me to where my real pissed off postion comes from, lando getting ripped to shreds on tikotk for having a Starbucks drink. God forbid. "Starbucks supports a genocide" "boycott starbucks" okay but why in my town are they still packed to the rafters at each location? God forbid the man gets a drink. Honestly. These fucking fans will call out everything becuase they are in the right in everything they believe but not for one minute think about peace or just not bringing politics into everything, I've been told to shut the fuck up when I mention some genuine Antisemitism rooted hatred against lance and told I'm reaching and a Zionist bitch but these fuckers are so quick to call out lando for a fucking drink. Sometimes maybe these drivers just don't give a fuck or maybe they have personal political opinions that don't align with yours so stop thinking your in the right about every God damn thing. Lando can drink whatever the fuck he wants, the teams can have puma as there sponser, it's not that fucking deep. You wanna call out drivers for there comments on the CH issue, call out lewis for being friends with a dude just like that!!!! If you wanna say that's the standard for men than fuck me I'd rather die.

Yeah, all this.

Rip lando and his Starbucks because newsflash maybe the guy is not chronically online and doesn’t know about the Twitter mob boycott…or he just doesn’t care about his two Aussie dollars going against the Twitter mob boycott.

The witch-hunt really does make me laugh. When you realise that morality is arbitrary, it becomes borderline scary how we now encourage shaming and bullying people who don’t agree with the accepted wisdom. It’s so…1600s.

Literally just…you’re right. You’re 100% right.

[kaijubluu]

i hate that "would you forgive a nazi" poll.

politically, i believe in rehabilitative justice. i believe there are only a handful of things that make a person completely unforgivable.

personally? i was 11 when i wore a cute little khimar to school, and a man in a truck proudly bearing a swastika swerved towards the sidewalk to either scare me or kill me. i was 12 when one of my classmates "found" naziism, started wearing an armband to class, and forgot my name in favour of calling me "the paki" or "the towelhead" or "the camel". i was 13 when i told him to shut the hell up, and he and his friends beat me so badly that i still have scars on my face, so badly that i dislocated my right hip and right knee. i was 15 when i did a project on the non-white victims of the holocaust, and someone said to my face in class that "the nazis shouldve put you people in camps too". i was 17 when i got in a fight with a classmate who said the "holocaust was blown out of proportion", who later stalked me and pulled a knife on me while i was at work. i was 18 when i visited normandy and some pig wore nazi paraphernalia to the d-day anniversary ceremony i was at.

stop telling people of colour that we need to forgive the people that hurt us. we are not your redemption arc. it is not our responsibility to absolve you of being racist, ableist, antisemitic swine. i do not feel empathy for anyone who actively associated with naziism, because no one feels empathy for the victims of these shitty assholes.

not to mention, when did forgiving the oppressor become more important than uplifting the oppressed? why are people bitching and moaning about how everyone deserves to have growth, but not putting any effort into supporting the victims? why do whites get to experience growth, but Black and brown activists have to walk on eggshells lest we offend the sensitive sensibilities of our pasty-ass saviours?

i was almost murdered by nazis not once, not twice, but three seperate times. no amount of grovelling, of begging, of money, of amends could make me associate with one of them. let alone forgive them.

[naipan]

History Goes to War in the Holy Land

Israel’s leading historian, Benny Morris, long exposed his country’s sins. Then he began to hold the Palestinians to account. His erstwhile admirers aren’t happy about it.

By Elliot Kaufman

March 29, 2024

The dogs of the neighborhood perk up to greet me at Benny Morris’s front gate in this middle-of-nowhere town in central Israel. The great historian, shaggy-haired, in T-shirt, open flannel and socks, has recently returned home from the U.K., where the barking did not cease.

He was there to debate a hard-line anti-Israel scholar and speak at the London School of Economics, where some students tried and failed to shut down his lecture with droning, preplanned slogans. “You’re actually quite boring,” Mr. Morris, 75, told them, at which point he was called a racist, doubtless in the expectation that he, a liberal, would be cowed by the slur. He wasn’t. “I’d rather be a racist than a bore,” he replied.

Mr. Morris was once the toast of the campuses. “I was sort of a symbol on the left,” he says on his back porch. “I don’t want to say ‘icon.’ ” If he won’t, I will. Mr. Morris was foremost among the “New Historians” who shook Israel in the 1980s and seemed to triumph in the 1990s with their revisionist accounts of the Arab-Israeli conflict. His 1988 book, “The Birth of the Palestinian Refugee Problem, 1947-49,” was a landmark in Israel’s self-criticism and understanding. That same year, Mr. Morris spent 19 days in Israeli military prison for refusing to serve on reserve duty in the West Bank.

How did he go from there to the shouting match at LSE? To many on the left, Mr. Morris says, “I seem to have turned anti-Palestinian in the year 2000,” when Prime Minister Ehud Barak and President Bill Clinton offered a two-state solution and Yasser Arafat rejected it. “I thought this was a terrible decision by the Palestinians, and I wrote that.” When the Palestinians, in response to the offer of peace and statehood, then launched a wave of terrorism and suicide bombings unlike any before it, Mr. Morris disapproved of that, too. “I began to write journalism against the Palestinians, their decisions and policies,” he says, “and this was considered treachery.”

Mr. Morris was suddenly out of step “because people always forgive the Palestinians, who don’t take responsibility,” he says. “It’s accepted that they are the victim and therefore can do whatever they like.” Mr. Morris doesn’t contest the claim of victimhood but sees it on both sides. “Righteous Victims” is the title of his 1999 history of the conflict.

Israel is viewed as “all-powerful vis-à-vis the Palestinians,” he says. “But as we see it, we are surrounded by the Muslim world, organized in some way by Iran, and the West is turning its back on us. So we see ourselves as the underdog.” Try that on a college campus. “Now, the Palestinians are the underdog, and the underdog is always right, even if it does the wrong things,” he says, “like Oct. 7.”

The West hasn’t reckoned with Oct. 7. Not the massacre itself, which is at once too hard to fathom and too easy to condemn, but the broad support for it among Palestinians. “They were joyous in the West Bank and Gaza Strip when 1,200 Jews were killed and 250 were taken hostage,” Mr. Morris says. Palestinian support for the atrocities has remained constant, at over 70%, in opinion polls.

Mr. Morris tries to see it from their point of view: “700,000 Palestinians had become refugees as a result of Israel and its victory in ’48. They’d been living under occupation since ’67. I understand their desire for revenge and to see Israel disappear or very badly hurt.”

But that’s too easy. “In addition to those history-based grievances, there is Muslim antisemitism, terrorism and a level of barbarism, which for Israelis felt like more than revenge for bad things we’ve done,” he says. “It was a sick ideology and sick people carrying out murder and rape in the name of that ideology.”

Mr. Morris stresses the costs of that Palestinian decision. “There was never destruction like what has happened in Gaza over the past five months in any of Israel’s wars.” In 1967, “Israel conquered the West Bank with almost no houses being destroyed,” he says, “and the same applies in ’56 in the Gaza Strip, and the same applies in ’48. Israel didn’t have the firepower to cause such devastation. This is totally new.”

He doubts the scale of the suffering will move Palestinian nationalists. “Probably they’ll look back to Oct. 7 as a sort of minor victory over Zionism and disregard the casualties which they paid as a result,” he says. That’s the historical pattern.

“Not only has each of their big decisions made life worse for their people, but they ensure that each time the idea of a two-state solution is proposed, less of Palestine is offered to them,” Mr. Morris says. “In 1937, Palestinians were supposed to get 70% of Palestine or more.” The Zionists were willing to work with the plan, but the Arabs rejected it and chose violence. “Then, in 1947, the Palestinians were supposed to get 45% of Palestine,” with much of Israel’s more than 50% comprising desert. The Zionists accepted the partition, and, again, the Palestinians chose violence.

“And then in the Barak-Clinton things,” in 2000, “the Palestinians were supposed to get 21%, 22% of Palestine.” Instead they launched the second intifada. “Next time,” Mr. Morris predicts, “they’ll probably get 15%. Each time they’re given less of Palestine as a result of being defeated in their efforts to get all of Palestine.”

Mr. Morris says 1947 was the best chance for peace, but the Arabs instead tried to block and then crush the new Jewish state. Though they came to see the war as the nakba, or catastrophe, and as the final stage of a Zionist invasion, at the time “they thought they were going to win,” Mr. Morris says. “They have a problem explaining to themselves why they lost the war with twice as many Arabs as Jews—100 times as many if you include the Arab states.”

One day, Mr. Morris admits, the Palestinian strategy could work. “Somebody coming from Mars would say, ‘The Arabs have the numbers. They have the potential for much greater economic and military power, so they’re going to win here if they persist in their resistance.’ ”

Mr. Morris lets that hang in the air. “And yet, one never knows,” he says. “Unusual things happen here. Peace might also break out, which would be even more unusual.”

Especially now. “Over the decades,” Mr. Morris says, “left and center in Israel were willing to go for a two-state solution.” Oct. 7 has accelerated the process of convincing those Israelis they were misguided. “Israelis today don’t want to look at the two-state solution. Most Israelis fear Hamas would take over the West Bank”—a fear Mr. Morris says is amply justified by Hamas’s popularity—“and that it would be a springboard for attacks on Israel, as the Gaza Strip was.”

If Oct. 7 pushed Israelis further away from a deal, “internationally, Oct. 7 put the two-state solution back on the table,” he observes. “It had been removed from the table. Nobody cared about it. Nobody talked about it. Now it’s back on the agenda.”

Thus Mr. Morris says the massacre worked. “The terrorism told the international community that a solution must be found, otherwise this will keep going on and on.” As if to punctuate his point, the sound of distant Israeli bombing in Gaza makes its way to us. “But,” he says, “I don’t think anyone can impose a two-state solution, because the Arabs don’t want it and the Jews don’t want it.”

It wouldn’t work, anyway. “Palestinians might tactically agree to a two-state solution, but it would never be enough for them. Because they need more territory than the West Bank and Gaza, especially to absorb refugees from Lebanon and Syria. They’re too big.” They would also need Jordan, as he advocated in “One State, Two States” (2009), or the rest of Israel, as they have always demanded.

The Oct. 7 attack also succeeded by undermining Israeli-Saudi rapprochement, Mr. Morris says, but Iran shouldn’t get away with that. “Israel should have used this war to destroy the Iranian nuclear project, and I hope we still will. But this guy, [Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu, is incompetent,” he says. “I don’t know if the word ‘weakling’ is right, but he’s cowardly in relation to taking big decisions.”

Mr. Morris adds that “Western public opinion over the past 20 years has gradually seen Israel in Netanyahu’s image, which has cast a pall over the Jewish state.” Israel has suffered a “major turn” in global public opinion, he says, “and it’s largely, in my view, because of Netanyahu.”

Yet when I ask about the Netanyahu position that is now drawing President Biden’s ire, the determination to invade Hamas’s last stronghold in Rafah, Mr. Morris’s answer is instructive. “The Israeli public, myself included, thinks that we’ve begun the job and we must finish the job. We must destroy Hamas, and that will include taking Rafah,” he says. “In this, Netanyahu is right and in this, most Israelis agree.”

Perhaps Mr. Biden has misread Israelis. “If you like Cicero, think of Carthage,” Mr. Morris says. “Hamas must be destroyed after what it did. We can’t allow that on our southern border, in addition to having Hezbollah on our northern border and Iran, God knows where—we just can’t.”

Mr. Morris prefers to see the Palestinian movement on its own terms. Thomas Friedman’s writing in the New York Times about the Palestinian “dream of independence in their homeland in a state next to Israel” earns a chuckle. “I think the Palestinians regard the Zionist enterprise and the state of Israel which emerged from it as illegitimate, a robber state,” Mr. Morris says, “and that the Jews have no right to it. This, I think, all Palestinians believe.”

The real conflict “boils down to whether the Jews were right and had the right to come here and settle here and establish a sovereign state,” he says. “It’s not so much about Israeli behavior at any given point in time.”

Mr. Morris made his name exposing the dark side of Israel’s founding, but at the end of the day, “I’m a Zionist—I use the word,” he says. “I believe that the Jews had a right to establish a state here. The Arabs had a right because they were indigenous here, and the Jews had a right because they were here many, many years before the Arabs and always looked to this land as theirs.”

He puts Israel in context: “The Arabs had Arabia, and then another 24 states which emerged afterward. And the Jews have this little sliver of territory which used to belong to us. There’s something fair about that,” no matter how often it is denounced as a world-historical injustice.

While “most of the Arabs up to the 20th century understood that this had been the Jews’ land,” Palestinians have radicalized in their denial of Jewish history. “When Clinton mentioned the ancient Jewish temple at Camp David in 2000, Arafat said, ‘What temple?’ ” Mr. Morris recounts. “He basically argued there was no connection of the Jews to the Holy Land at all.”

This is also the claim today from Mahmoud Abbas, Arafat’s successor, who told the United Nations in 2023, “They dug everywhere and they could not find anything.”

Mr. Morris will criticize the Palestinians in moral terms, but he isn’t sure he knows what’s in their interest better than they do. When I ask what a true friend of the Palestinians would advise, he is conflicted. “A true friend might say, ‘Stop killing Israelis and you’ll get a deal and you’ll get the West Bank,’ ” he says. “But maybe a true friend, another one, would say, ‘The West Bank isn’t really enough for the Palestinians. The Jews stole Palestine from you. Just fight on, lose as many people as you can, kill as many Israelis as you can. You’ll ultimately get the rest.’ ”

When I ask what a true friend of Israel would say right now, Mr. Morris doesn’t hesitate. “Finish off Hamas,” he replies.

Even if one has problems with Israel—occupation, settlements?

“Get rid of Hamas.”

Mr. Kaufman is the Journal’s letters editor.

[jewish-vents]

Being ethnically Jewish, adopted by goyim, and only connecting to my heritage and my culture as an adult was hard enough considering I became an adult in 2016. Since then my dad has become a full-blown conspiracy theorist, Trump supporter, and rabid Islamophobe. He's gotten involved in this weird offshoot of Evangelicals who think nothing bad can happen to "the Jews" (he NEVER calls us Jewish people, or people at all) so according to him there is no rise in antisemitism. Things have been like this forever. There is no rise in hate crimes or hate speech. The CIA, FBI, NSA, NAACP, and Jews are all lying or mistaken because his conspiracy buddies say so.

I get called slurs and babykiller and pedophile every day when I go to work on campus. (Apparently goyim think we lick babies' private parts? Their kinks baffle me.) My coworkers make pointed remarks or talk about hoping Hamas wins and look at me just daring me to get offended or fight them or report them to the department head, who they and I both know would side with them. I am taking care of my disabled father and my newfound stray-who-chose-me dog, I have been repairing the attic and spare room because my sister and her daughter have to move in at the end of the month due to their rent being hiked up suddenly, and I am recovering from having a bleeding ulcer back in December, during which I lost over half the blood in my body.

And added onto all of this work, I can't even come home to peace and quiet. I come home to more and more conspiracy garbage. My adoptive dad was always emotionally abusive and has untreated Bipolar Disorder. He's never been kind to me. But now he's dehumanizing me, saying things like "the Jews and people" as if those are separate categories, rambling about "the mystery of the Jews" which appears to be how we survived if people actually hated us (which is apparently in question), and constantly, consistently, repeatedly talking about the Holocaust. I got up to get peanut butter for breakfast because I'm so busy that breakfast is two spoons of peanut butter and I couldn't even get that this morning without being told actually, it's Jewish people's fault for dying during the Holocaust because they knew it was coming and could've gotten out.

I'm a bad person.

I snapped. I just started screaming. Not words, not even syllables, just full-body, loud, long screams to drown out everything he said. I screamed until my voice gave out and then I clamped my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and waited until I had enough breath to bolt for my room, throw on non-pajama clothes, and went to work. I can't take it. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I didn't apologize and I'm not going to because if I do I might have to hear more of it and it's too much. When I was a kid he used to get angry and refuse to talk to me for days, sometimes weeks. I am actively begging Hashem to let that happen because I just can't take this anymore.

I'm 24. I'm not even 30 yet and I feel ancient. Childhood feels like a half-remembered dream. I don't remember what it was like to feel safe anymore. I had a fine day at work because I've started... I don't think it's exactly dissociating? I imagine myself as a main character in a video game narrating the contents of a visual novel. 'Angry Coworker #2 is overly dramatic. You wonder how much of it is performance,' I narrate to myself in the second person, eating lunch, 'and how much, if any, of her emotion is genuine. She is giving a 2012 early YouTube caliber performance. Your smile should look appropriately strained so she thinks her attempt has succeeded, lest she escalate to full-on theatrics.'

This cannot be healthy. But the last therapist I had just taught me to feel guilty for thinking about the part or things I can't control because that means I have only myself to blame for feeling bad. The therapist before that I caught zoning out on me mid-session and totally not paying attention. The one before that kept telling me that the things that stress me out don't actually effect me and I was self-victimizing because the rest of the world doesn't "have" to effect me.

I am coming apart at the seams. I am consistently narrating my own life in the second person and not eating dinner because then I'd have to encounter my father and working on something because if I work I don't have to think. I don't know how long I can keep going like this. If I ever scream at work like I did at home, I'd be fired, and pretty rightfully so.

I'm so tired. I can't deal with everything. I can't kill myself because there's too much work to do, too many people depending on me. I can't keep patiently gritting my teeth and listening to another hot take on "the Jews" every morning. I just want to sleep. I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I can't do this anymore. I also have to.

.