#and boring can't help thinking this is why i have no irl friends i have no personality i am just trying to heal from depression and trying

[girlthativealwaysbeen]

isn't this the song for the tags on that post. i haven't heard billie in so long i love her music so much

[astercontrol]

If KOSA passes

Or if any other form of censorship (there are many in the works!) ever succeeds at stepping in to impede our ability to communicate online:

We have to make plans.

Now, I dunno who'll even see this post. The few followers I have are TRON fans (who despite the fantasy we live in, tend to have realistically dismal views IRL about Disney and the various corporate uses of software).

And this fandom, on average, is pretty tech-savvy. It's where I've encountered the most people under 20 years old who actually know how to use a desktop or laptop computer.

So, if there's any hope for what I'm thinking about, this is prolly a good place to start with it.

(As with all my posts, I encourage reblogging and containment-breaching.)

(Gifs are clips from TRON 1982, mainly the "deleted love scene," from the DVD extras.)

Anyway.

Current society has moved online communication much too far onto major social media sites for my comfort. Whoever you communicate with over the internet, chances are you do it through a service owned by a big company: Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, Telegram, Facebook, whatever. Even TikTok (shudder).

These sites, despite their many flaws, can provide experiences that are valuable and hard to get otherwise. And once all your friends are on one site, you can't just leave and stay in touch with them all, not unless they all go the same place. It's easy to see why it's hard to abandon any social media platform.

But a backup plan is important. Because, as we've seen over and over, social media sites can't be relied on. They change their policies suddenly, without good reason-- and are inconsistent, even discriminatory, about enforcing those policies.

If they're funded by ads, the advertisers are their main customers, and your posts are the product. Their goal is that the posts most valuable to the advertisers get seen by people the advertisers consider desirable customers.

Helping you communicate-- making your posts get seen by the people you want to communicate with-- is optional to them.

Not to mention that the whole business model of an ad-funded website is generally unsustainable. Many of these sites are operating at a loss, relying on shareholders in a fragile bubble, doomed to fail soon just from lack of real profit.

And the more restrictions --like KOSA-- that the law puts on freedom of online speech, the likelier they are to go down or just become unusable. Every rule a site is required to follow is another strain on its resources, and most of them are already failing badly at even enforcing their own self-imposed rules.

If we want any control over our continued ability to stay in touch with our online friends-- we need to have a backup plan. Maybe it'll be simple at first, a bare-bones system we cobble together-- but it's gotta be something that will work. For a while at least.

There are lots of really good posts about ways to build your own website, using a service like Neocities. I VERY MUCH recommend learning this skill-- learning to make websites of the very simplest, most stable, glitch-resistant type, made of html pages-- which you can upload to a host while you store backups on your home computer. If you value the writing and art that you put online, this is probably the safest you can keep it.

But that's for making your own creative work public.

As for communicating with others-- for example, receiving and answering other people's comments on your work-- that gets more complex. I personally haven't found it worthwhile to troubleshoot the problems that come with having a system that allows visitors to comment publicly on my website.

But what we do still have-- and likely will for a long time-- is email.

Those of us who came of age before social media's current hold... well, we might take this for granted. Email was the first form of online contact we ever encountered… and thus it can seem to us like the most ordinary, the most boring.

But in the current world, it is a rare and precious thing to find a method of communicating that doesn't require everyone in the chat to be signed on with the same corporation.

Email is, as of now, still perfectly legal-- as much as social media companies have been trying to herd the populace away from it. I'm sure there are other ways to share thoughts online that are not bound by laws. But I am not going to go into that here.

Email service is provided by law-abiding companies, which will comply with subpoenas if law enforcement thinks you are emailing about doing illegal things. So, email is not a surefire way to be safe, if laws become dystopian enough to threaten your freedom to talk about your own life and identity.

But it's safer than posting on a public social media page.

For now.

Email is beautifully decentralized. You can get an email address many different ways-- some reliant on a company like Gmail, others hosted on your own domain. And different people, with all different types of email addresses, hosted in all different ways-- can all communicate together by the same method.

Of course any of these people, individually, can lose their email address for some reason or other, and have to get a new one. But as long as they still know the email addresses of their contacts, they can reconnect and recover from that loss. The structure of a group linked by email is reliant not on a single company-- but on the group itself, the friends you can actually count on.

This is why I am trying to promote the idea of forming email lists, as a backup plan to give people a way to stay in touch as mainstream social media sites prove to be unsustainable.

I'm envisioning a simple system of sending emails to several addresses at once, and making each reply visible to everyone in the chat by using "reply all" (or, if desired, editing the To field to reply to only some).

If enough people get used to using email in this way, it could fill most of the needs met by any other group chat or forum …without depending on a centralized social media company that's taking dystopian measures to try and make the business profitable.

So here are some thoughts about how I personally imagine it could work.

(Feel free to comment and bring up any thoughts I haven't addressed, or suggestions to customize how specific groups could set it up. This is meant as more of a starting point for brainstorming than a catch-all solution.)

As I see it, here are the basics of what you and your friends would each need to start out:

An email address. Any kind, hosted anywhere. You should use a dedicated email account just for this group, one that you do NOT use for other communication. Being in this group will result in things you don't want happening to your main email address-- like getting a TON of email, one for every post and reply. Or someone could get your email address that you really don't want any contact with. Use a burner email account (one that you can easily replace) and change it if needed.

The knowledge of how to "REPLY ALL" in your email. This will be necessary in order to add a comment that everyone in the group can see.

The knowledge of how to EDIT THE "TO" FIELD in your email, and remove addresses from the list of all recipients. This will be necessary if you want to CHANGE WHICH PEOPLE in the group can see your comment.

The knowledge of how to FILTER WORDS in your email. This will be necessary if a topic comes up that you don't want to see any mentions of.

The knowledge of how to BLOCK PEOPLE in your email. This will be very important. If someone joins this email group who you do not want to interact with, it will be up to you to BLOCK them so that you do NOT see their messages. (If they are bad enough to evade the block with multiple burner accounts, that's what you have a burner account for. Change it, and share the new one only with those you trust not to give it to them.)

Every person in the group will be effectively a "moderator" of the group, able to remove people from it by cutting their email addresses out of the "To" field. Members will all have equal "moderator" privileges, each able to tailor the group to their own needs.

This means the group may naturally split, over time, into other groups, each one removing some people and adding others. Some will overlap, some won't. This is good! This is, in my opinion, what online interaction SHOULD be like! There should be MANY groups like this!

In this way, we can keep online discussion alive, no matter WHAT happens to any of the social media websites.

If the dystopia got bad enough to shut down email, we could even continue with postal mail and photocopies, like they did in the days of print-zine fanfiction.

If it looks like the dystopia is gonna come for postal mail too, we'll use the connection we have to preserve whatever contacts we can with people who live near us.

Not saying it's GONNA get that bad. But these steps of preparation are good no matter exactly what kind of bad stuff happens.

As long as some organized form of communication still exists, we'll have a place where it's at least a little safer to be your true self…

to plan events and meetups…

and maybe even activities a little too risque to make the final cut of a 1982 Disney movie.

They're trying to censor us. We want a Free System. So we're gonna fight back.

For the Users. Not the corporations.

Peace out, programs. <3

[rainytypology]

A view of each MBTI type by an INTJ:

Saw a few of these lately so why not? Lol

___

INTJ: My type and the best type obviously. Kidding. Not really. Healthy/mature ones are interesting and helpful, nice and easy to talk to. I've noticed immature ones try a little too hard to seem edgy and cool to fit into the "cold" INTJ stereotype when that's not a flex at all. I think a lot of us are impatient and stubborn too.

ENTJ: Often driven and motivated individuals who put in a lot of effort into what they do. I admire their hardworking nature. I've unfortunately come across a very unhealthy one before who was quite possessive and narcissistic. I did not have to deal with them personally, but a few of my friends did and their horror stories of that ENTJ will probably be stuck with me forever.

INTP: Their minds are...unique. I wonder what goes on in there. Such weird yet interesting individuals. Sometimes a bit rude, unintentional or not. My younger sister is one and I have to resist the urge to fight with her a lot lmao, but maybe that's just us being siblings.

ENTP: Love them. ENxPs in general 🤌🤌. I've never come across a boring ENTP. Often so chaotic. Never fail to make me laugh. I can have the funnest conversations with them. So witty.

INFJ: One of my best friends is one and it's kinda funny how similar yet different we both are. Ni dom things I guess. Other INFJs I've observed seem to have a lot of patience and kindness. Genuinely have a good heart and want the best for others.

ENFJ: I've only met two personally. Can be funny and witty, really approachable people. Both are very loyal and care a lot about their families, they carry a lot of responsibilities for others. Do not like to show their struggles, will probably mention it briefly before changing the subject.

INFP: Probably my least favorite type due to having bad experiences with them. Unhealthy ones can be so whiney and pathetic. Always want to cry and complain but never actually do anything about it. Can burst emotionally without warning. They can be so exhausting to deal with. I'm not gonna automatically hate you if you're an INFP though, that's just stupid lol, but I will be wary. I only have one INFP friend for now and likely because she's a lot older than me, she's much calmer and more considerate compared to the previous INFPs I've encountered.

ENFP: Some weirdos fr but I love it. Always so talkative and excited. Why are you guys lowkey kinda sad though 😭

ISTJ: I haven't come across any irl yet, but a few of my favorite fictional characters are ISTJs. One of my fav kpop idols as well. Not really sure where the boring stereotype comes from as I think ISTJs are quite nice.

ESTJ: I don't think I've met any yet and have typed a few idols as an ESTJ. I know they get a bad rep, but I honestly just think it stems from ESTJ's tendency to be direct, no bs, which can be intimidating/overwhelming for people. They can be really weird and silly only if they're comfortable.

ISFJ: I don't know any ISFJs irl, but seeing ISFJ idols/celebrities, they're just usually nice and kind people. Quiet but do enjoy being with others.

ESFJ: Honestly think my other best friend may be one 🤔 I do think she has a high Fe for sure. They seem to care the most about their presentation and other's opinions of them.

ISTP: I've only met one and they were okay. Pretty chill and had immense "idgaf" energy. But that attitude was also what made them a bit unlikeable as it extended to having a disregard for feelings and morals. Nobody's perfect, but I don't think it's that difficult to have common human decency. I do like a few ISTP characters and celebrities though.

ESTP: One of my older siblings is one and we get along fine. She has a good eye for aesthetics. Her and other ESTPs I've seen don't really seem to be super serious people, they're just trying their best to enjoy life. Adventurous and open minded. Can't seem to stay still.

ISFP: Have only met a few irl and I've also typed several kpop idols as one. From what I've seen, they are a lot calmer compared to INFPs. They're quite passionate but more realistic individuals though, always going for what they want (likely due to aux Se). Also quite blunt lol but it does not top IxTP's honesty.

ESFP: Have not met any irl yet, but from observing an ESFP I follow and ESFP celebrities, I like their straightforwardness. Passionate and expressive. Funny.

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

okay after seeing your poll on the unpopular GG opinions I need to hear your thoughts on lane!!! please please elaborate because on first seeing your take I don't agree but I've also never thought about it so I would love to hear your opinion if you feel like it! :))

Ahhh first of all, omg thank you for caring to hear any of my rambling. :') Second of all, pheewwww boy do I have some unpopular Lane opinions lol.

My disclaimer at the top is that I like Lane! She gets so much interesting, flawed characterization that a lot of sidekicks in fiction don't. I can sound like a hater but I think there's this fascinating effect where fans either relate so closely with Lane, they project a lot onto her - to the point of pretending her flaws and mistakes just don't exist - or they flatly reduce her to her endearing strengths and root for her so much as an underdog, they don't engage with any deeper critique and honestly kind of infantilize her and don't hold her accountable for her choices.

Lane is so relatable because her experience speaks to folks growing up in similarly religious, oppressive, and/or culturally specific family units that maybe feel more authoritarian. This is where I must acknowledge that I'm an only child in a white (eastern European mostly) household where I never really clicked with my parents in most ways and was always kind of at peace with that fact. I've always struggled with fully understanding and empathizing with people (both irl and in fiction) who clearly feel so unhappy and/or oppressed by situations, but lack the courage to really do anything about it when it would be fully possible for them.

Lane's mom is cartoonishly restrictive of her and often downright cruel, but at the end of the day, Lane still cares too much what her mother thinks. She still wants to make her happy and internalizes those teachings instead of really pushing beyond them and rebelling like she acts like she wants to. She folds in on herself with a victim mentality constantly that frustrates me. As a kid, I totally get it, but once adulthood looms and she goes along with her mom's college choices for her, tries to make every friend and romantic interest delight in ridiculous charades to keep peace, and doesn't want to have sex before marriage, I get less sympathetic. Grow up, girl! Maybe it's because Lorelai's story is the 180 degree opposite of Lane's. I have so much love and admiration for Lorelai's bold choices, perhaps that's the root of my disconnect with Lane. Again - I totally get that this is shaped by my personal cultural upbringing.

Besides finding it hard to respect this desire to still be mommy's little girl when I don't think her mother has earned that OR that it's a personally satisfying pursuit for Lane, I find her boy-crazy obsessions dull and shallow. In she and Rory's brief S1 conflict where Lane feels ignored by Rory, I kind of can't help but take Rory's side because girl, I'm sorry, I'd be bored as shit hearing you ramble on and on about some dumb dude you don't even know because his hair is cute.

Although I resent the term so much these days, Lane fits the stereotype of "I'm not like other girls" MUCH more than either Rory or Lorelai in my opinion. She's always talking about dumb girls she doesn't like, girls in bands being her competition, etc. I get that's an easy coping mechanism for a girl like her who only has her taste as something she can feel superior to others about because her life is otherwise small, but still. The main characters get that critique but she's always exempt.

So many fans paint with a broad brush claiming Lane's a better friend to Rory than Rory is to her when I feel it's the reverse - Lane requires A LOT of emotional labor. I've heard folks claim she's just as smart - why couldn't she get into an Ivy, too? Well, to start, Lane wouldn't even go if she had the chance because she's too scared to be truly ambitious, she's not the main character of the show, and honestly, why do people think she's so smart? She's no dummy, but she's never portrayed as being especially good at school or interested in academics. That's where I see the projection creep in. People who relate to Lane are angry on behalf of her perceived wasted potential because they feel it about themselves or others they love.

Then of course, we all get mad about her quick marriage and pregnancy, but those are both fully Lane's choices. She's allegedly disagreed with her mom her entire life, but again chooses victimhood in refusing to have sex until marriage and still valuing the oppressive heteronormative life she's always been obsessed with. She was already making progress choosing her independent starving artist life at that point so she can't blame that choice on mommy. You're an adult - learn about contraception if you don't want to get pregnant! Or get an abortion! But no - Lane is a career self-saboteur. Like pushing Henry Cho away, Lane is addicted to struggling and hiding and keeps creating these circumstances for herself long after her childhood under her mom's thumb. She even needed her mom to plan a tour for her and her band.

AND ANOTHER THING (lol sorry, full drunk-uncle-ing now) but I don't think Dave Rygalski's willingness to lie, hide, and change himself for a girl's attention is healthy and gets waayyy too romanticized. Lane would be a nightmare girlfriend.

When fans share dreams of Lane moving to a bigger city, starting an all-girl band, or being successful in the music industry, I can't help but think those aspirations are far more out-of-character than people seem to think. She's just not that girl - and that's ok! Not everyone is. She ends up seemingly happy with her community and family and walks that line having a good relationship with her mom. We maybe hoped for more, but unfortunately she didn't. And just as with so many other things in Gilmore Girls, that rings so bittersweetly true to real life.

[blow-me-a-kis]

Piracy in ofmd is actually already a culture departed from cis het neurotypical society and Izzy is actually a representation of that. I think if ppl would stop treating Stede like he's injecting neurodiversity and queerness into piracy, and instead as the beneficiary of that society, they could see it, too.

I just feel like ppl who don't perceive Izzy as autistic don't really have close friendships with a lot of autistic or neurodiverse ppl IRL. That or they are still doing a lot of masking in relationships and expecting others to masks. But some of us can't.

Most ppl who interact with me IRL probably think I'm mean or rude or even stupid. I'm partially non verbal, I can't smile at strangers/on command, I can't laugh at jokes I don't find funny, I get snippy and irritable if I'm overstimulated. If you ask me how I'm doing, know that me asking you back is like pushing a boulder up a hill for me.

When I do speak it may come out slowly or come off as crytic/weird/inappropriate, and also I may say it too loud or too quiet or too late or with an inappropriate inflection or with a facial expression that doesn't match. My most embarrassing trait is that I get shouty when I'm having a meltdown and I cant help it.

On top of all that I'm Black, so ppl read me as aggressive/negative no matter how I present

I also have autistic and neurodiverse friends who are very similar to me. I have friends who are downright grating in personality, real Izzy's, who I take comfort in because I know its okay if they find me grating. They don't care if I take a long time to respond or don't respond at all when asked a question, they don't mind if I get snippy or they'll tell me directly if I hurt their feelings instead of holding it against me.

I am actually at a point in my life where I am reevaluating friendships where masking has been a requirement, where I feel the need to perform to be liked. I just want to be allowed to be boring or in a bad mood or tired or slow and inflexible, or a Bitch, because I am, and being Pleasant is just not accessible to me. I'll be 33 this year, and I'm exhausted of trying to be anything but myself.

Even the ways a lot of folks like Stede leave out his less palatable autistic traits. Like the fact that almost everyone who meets him in canon does not like him and he has to grow on most ppl. He's hard headed, annoying, presumptuous, obnoxious. This is apart of his autism as well, and why piracy suits him, FREES him.

Izzy is right at home as a pirate because of these very things also. He doesn't have to mask as a neurodiverse person or as a queer man.

I think it's safe to say a lot of ppl's classist views on piracy are reflected in their negative/unfair views of Izzy. The idea that pirates should be softer or nicer or more pleasant or even that a failure to take on these values is Toxic Masculinity (taking this phrase from fandom and putting it on a high shelf until you learn that upperclass white cis het neurotypical masculinity is not the norm and white women learn to question their motivation in normalizing the idea of systemic harm they can't participate in) neglects what Oluwande spoke about in episode one, that piracy is a culture built by people who did not have a choice to do anything but survive.

I hope in s2 we will see Stede get a taste of what that struggle is really like and abandon his classist, romantic notions of piracy.

[lavenderver]

Rambles feel free to ignore I just need to empty my brain tonight.

Tomorrow will be 1 month since I launched this project and I think that's why the fact I've gotten no where with promoting it has gotten to me so much. I have tried really hard but I can barely cross 10 likes on my drawings while bumping every few hours just really makes me feel like what I do just has no appeal and I'm so drained and I feel so alone in this I have no motivation to work towards making my drawings more appealing.

I just feel alone in this. I have no one to talk to about my ideas and projects. I try to open up conversations on twt and no one bites. I just feel like something is wrong with me that repels people. Which feels weird since I acknowledge I was a far more spicy person back when I did get a lot attention.

It's like, the more mellow I get and the more friendly I feel the less people want me around. Like the me that's not putting up a tough bitch act isn't interesting to people. I wonder if me being outspoken and more snappy made me more of a "loveable A-hole" which people liked but now that I'm not insane from a hormone imbalance and far more relaxed and patient I'm just some boring guy who's bad at drawing and not interesting enough to want to be friends with. I admit since surgery and fixing the absolute disaster of a chemical imbalance in my body, I have lost most of my attitude.

It can't be helped I guess. It's just weird. I keep comparing me in 2018-now and I really have improved as a person. I like me more now than ever, and I have more irl friends that before and I'm overall happier. But it's strange that online, I had so many more friends and people who wanted me around when I was a prick.

It's sad and weird. But I miss having people to talk about my interests with. I am so anxious and have a hard time with dms/1:1 private conversations. Forums/public comments have always been my preferred way to communicate with people. I miss it.

Rambles of someone who has a hyper fixation but no one I see on a daily basis to talk to so I'm so wound up and desperate for a sense of fandom to speak to but I'm just not able to bounce back. I simply cannot seem to rebuild my platform and it's terrifying as a neurodivergent person who has tried to quit drawing and creating but I can't because I have this compulsion to create and try to re-find that sense of belonging and community I felt before.

I know I vent about numbers a lot, but it's not really just that. It's what it represents. If no one sees me, I have no outlet for my interests. I can't share my hobbies. It's very hard. I miss a lot of people in fandom that have moved on or lost interest in our friendship over the years.

I guess, hitting 1 month of trying to promote this project and getting hit with so many road blocks and not making any progress just leaves me feeling exhausted, discouraged and questioning if there's any way for me to actually make it work.

[streamdotpng]

Random thought bc I just woke up but I really do wonder how ruts affect the person outside of sex and such

Actually writing an alpha Enid rq, my thoughts are everywhere

Obviously they tend to get more aggressive that's pretty much a given but I'm just imagining a grumpy Enid who's absolutely warm to touch sulking a bit bc she can't hold her friends bc wolves are social creatures. Not to mention the nesting thing, do you think that if they try it'd never be as comforting as how their mate/omega would build it?

Idk, there's alot of common themes where alpha's were meant to destroy/dominate/etcetc and such while omegas are built to nurture. It'd explain why they're usually known as aggressive creatures and also why I plan to slap muzzles onto alpha werewolves

For some reason my mind thinks of ruts and heats as a (monthly?? How many times do they happen again, I forget) sickness most of the time.

As in, you're not allowed to be in contact with most of the populace and most of the time you have one person help you out. How can you not see it as a sickness people get once in a while

Back to the alpha's in muzzles thing. Posturing contests aren't at all surprising, I'm pretty sure people irl do it too but when you're in a supernatural school and your students can grow claws and teeth, I think it's a good idea to give them muzzles to wear around when outside of the dorm room

Don't take this as dystopia btw, think of it as genuinely being a safety thing

Bc aren't muzzles there to keep distance? It has a long snout so it's not like two wolves can start staring each other down, it's hard to be all macho when you're ten inches away from one another. Not to mention that it'd discourage biting, so if an alpha were to be horrible in control, it's there as a just in case. It doesn't look that surprising for werewolves to roughhouse after all

But anyways, I think I've mentioned this before but I surprisingly got more omegaverse lore thatre not sexual because I got into it during quarantine and was very bored. I think you can see hints of it in my other works in ao3

[problamticsideanna]

Fuck you I am not doing this for 30 days-

Himiko Yumeno

Hifumi Yamada Celeste was so real for killing him twice

These are getting repetitive already. If I were to quantify a best girl down to science I'd probably pick Chiaki? She is the bestest girl

Using my same method as above gonna say Gonta. He just wanted good things for everybody :(

Hajime I think is the most interesting. Kaede would maybe beat him if she was in it long T-T

Kokichi Ouma hands down

Saimeno it won't leave my brain send help-

Besides something obvious like Despaircest? Gonna go with Yasuhiro x Aoi I have a personal vendetta towards it

Makoto/Sayaka their okay as a romantic thing too but I prefer them as good friends.

Hinanami

Oumota (They are narrative foils doomed by the narrative your honor.) Or Ishimondo!

Tenkaede or Sakuraoi

V3

Sayaka or Mukuro

Ibuki Mioda

Kokichi or Himiko

Haiji Towa. I don't like Hifumi but he hadn't done anything wrong yet

Ultimate Cosplayer! I love cosplay and being a shapeshifter would be epic lmao

Kaede's fucked me up so bad but it's so well done.

This is an anime track but I really like Despair Imitation. It's hard to pick an in-game banger there are so many.

Chihiro probably. I would also say Chiaki but I also live in delulu land with Extra Life

Kaede's death or Chiaki's death in DR3

Hiroko Hagakure mom mommy woof woof

I mean realistically none of them if I can't summon all of them? Do not separate the classes. Celeste wouldn't mind being separated IG but idk if I could handle her IRL. I would also lowkey wanna summon Kaito he looks like he'd give the best hugs and I love hugs.

Like writing-wise? Rantaro. Everything we learn about him feels forced and we didn't know shit about him when he was alive.

None of them are boring but you know who has never excited me personally? Nekomaru. Sorry Bi king

Idk if it's the most but I do love Fuyuhiko and Himiko's "everyone I love died" character arcs. I'd say Kyoko or Hajime have the MOST development tho. Kyoko got a whole fucking spin-off and Hajime just has... so much going on. It's kind of ironic because I feel like in the opposite direction Izuru gets like... no development.

Junko ig? We don't really see the characters in much outside of their uniforms and their swimsuits that one time.

Like just pure natural strength? Gonta. Out of the buff characters, I think he could take Sakura and Nekomaru. The issue is he wouldn't want to fight. Sakura might take the upper hand since she actually has martial arts training.

Himiko Yumeno. It's why she's my fav she's just like me fr fr.

There is not category for 31 but I have to mention how much I like Monaca Towa. She didn't fit anywhere above which is a CRIME

[acceptingmyowncompany]

Because Who Can I Talk To...

This post has so much potential to be cringe a year from now. Shit even months from now. I need it out of my head though

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with her friend. We met but I didnt really make a move. Too shy. She's cute though. Nice, smart, witty. It became a bit that I thought was still funny despite nothing really coming of it.

We eventually followed each other on instagram, which is good but my friend isn't riffing the bit anymore. A mutual of ours is communicating with me more often than before. Energy is weird but I'm not trying to look into it. Come to find out she likes me and I can't help but feel like thats why my friend stopped riffing the bit and advocating for me/us.

Despite that, the girl and I are kind of... idk playing tennis. Maybe fishing?! Idk the proper analogy. We are posting things kind of trying to bait the other person into interacting with it. I shouldn't say we... EYE, 100% am and she did at least once. Eventually a real conversation starts between us and it's like... legit awesome. Like she's so cool, and we've been thru some similar shit and look at the world in a similar way. I make points and she responds basically finishing my thoughts. Im like wooow we have so much in common. It excites me in a way that I haven't been excited in a LONG time. I think I'm crushing on her now... I can't wait for her to come into town.

She comes into town and I get no sleep the night before. I'm running on fumes. I have no energy to talk to her, to be charming or funny. I'm just listening and yawning a lot. I got her cookies... didnt even present them forreal. She was here for a week and that was the only day I saw her. At this point I'm FUCKING SICK. It's another display of how my friend is no longer trying to help out because she didnt try to set me up with some hangouts. Doubts about her interest because if she was hoping to see me, again you'd think the friend would hit me about plans or invite me over. I dont take initiative. Don't want to be too thirsty. I hold my L and get kinda sad because I like the feeling. I like talking to her, but it's over...

Until... the day after she gets back home, she messages me randomly about One Piece. I'm hype af. She thanks me for cookies, I apologize for zombie. We're talking again. And talking a lot. We are in constant communication. We message everyday. It's not a constant flow but it's fairly steady. We go like this for like a month and some. She's my favorite notification. I look forward to her responses and suddenly they stop. Not all together. The frequency though. A few messages a day to one a day. Now the response coming a full day or two later. Which would be completely fine if like... I didnt see she's been active mad times or when I see her message elsewhere. I'm not mad, but it makes me think.

We aren't anything. She owes me nothing. I like talking to her. Do I like her? I don't have an answer. The level of bothered I am, would imply I do, but it could just be the engagement. The attention. The fact that she activates something in my brain that hasn't been safely activated in over a decade. I don't say this to minimize her impact. I genuinely think she's special. She told me some of her story and I just wanna protect her at all costs even though we're probably not that close. I think she's great but I also still don't know her. We have yet to find a comfortable real life flow. We have yet to establish any sort of chemistry. So it's like cool, yeah we can text and send paragraphs to each other, but can we hold a conversation. Can we go back and forth without prep time?! Until we can properly test those waters, on the phone or IRL then I can't fully say I like her. Just that I like messaging her.

The problem is... does she like me?! Does she like messaging me?! Did her life get busier?! Am I boring?! I don't know how she feels about it. I try to sneak in things in the convo to like indicate I think highly of her, but I get no read on that the other way around. My friend no longer asks about it, or riffs the bit. No convo about us. Its triggering. I was often left on unopened while my friend was texting the girl I liked right in front of me. Her excuse was "oh me and him aren't having deep convo so it's easy to message back. me and you are having more in-depth convo so it requires more thought out answers." The truth was, she was fucking him and they were both hiding it from me and thus TRAUMATIZED. She can do what she wants. She can have a guy in MD, or a guy in her DMs. Again, we aren't anything, but I'd hate to get my hopes up again, just to be being placed on the back burner while she's got other stuff going on. Shits embarrassing. It's easy to feel like a loser and shit.

And so I am at an impasse. I can't be emotional about this. I can't ask for more messages, but I do want more. I want to explore what we could be, even if it's just friends. Just so I can like know its just friends. I want to talk on the phone or play a game where we can use out voices to connect instead of seining one big message a day. How can I do that?! I want to let her know I think she's dope, and I have but she's just kinda been whatever about it. Maybe thats my answer I should probably take that as an answer. I'M JUST TIRED OF HAVING TO PLAY IT COOL. I want to talk about it with somebody that can help me. I wanna be excited about the potential. I wanna laugh with her and learn more about her. I want her to know I think she's cool and I wanna talk about the future together. I wanna do things to connect with her and show her I think she's cool. But then im overbearing. I'm thirsty. I'm doing too much. Scare her away. if she's got another dude she's talking to, im humiliating myself.

I basically wanna embrace that side of life. Intimacy and romance. Connection. I wanna show her my interest and feel her interest. The push and pull. It was cool when we were playing tennis. It was amazing to go back and forth. Idk what to do. I kinda wanna end the convo and she what'll happen. But what if I just hurt my own feelings. How do I pivot the convo we have right now?! I don't know. I've gone crazy and I hate it here lmao.

Anyways, this girls cool and pretty and I wanna get to known her better like talk more intimately and frequently but I don't know if I will or if she even cares to... but I just wish I could be blunt about this thought/feeling. Who know's what'll happen next.

[thelongestway]

Dawn: Trailed

Now that the spoiler embargo is gone, well...

This is probably my favorite expansion. On par with, if not better than, HW (My personal rating otherwise goes HW>ShB>Ew=Sb=Arr). I went through it without reading anything about others' experiences, and you can imagine my surprise about the incredibly mixed reception!

I was even more surprised, because I was going in very burnt out on FFXIV, and had really been expecting to go in and say "eh, this was ok, sure, but nothing special."

Instead, I got exactly what I wanted or, dare I say it, even needed. That is to say, this:

So this review is going to be reflecting over the type of story this is and what made it so appealing to me specifically.

Tons of spoilers below the cut!

What I thoroughly enjoyed about Dawntrail:

the "not my circus, not my monkeys" vibe

the worldbuilding

the pacing

And I think these things are related. But let's start with the pacing.

My usual way of playing is "do story, do available sidequests as they pop up, a couple of fates along the road, etc". I usually wind up with a class fully leveled and a class half-leveled by the end of the story. My WoL is very thorough and meticulous, and a firm believer in "get the lay of the land" first.

In most previous expansions, that meant there were spots where I went stir-crazy, because something about that flow didn't click; there were many places I was bored but also did not want to skip things, because while it felt bad to do them immediately, it would feel even more out of place to do them later. To wit: Moogles HW (even though I loved the crafter quests later), Ruby Sea SB, Twine etc ShB, Ultima Thule EW (yes, not Labyrinthos part 2 - sorry my friends, I love insane academics, while Ultima Thule really, really did not hit for me).

This was not the case in DT. There wasn't a single moment I felt truly bored. And specifically I enjoyed the vibe that you can come and go at any moment - the fact that the succession isn't really your problem helps with this a lot. This is why the amount of Wuk Lamat didn't particularly bother me - my WoL just went "oh, fantastic, any fallout is your problem, not mine - I'm just here to see the sights and talk to people". He got to have a good night's sleep without being interrupted, for gods' sake - unheard of!

On a player level, this worked wonderfully, because I hate it when writers try to raise the stakes by making it personal. Usually, I have a very visceral reaction to that, which is primarily "you do NOT get to decide what makes it personal for me", and I can count the number of times that kind of bait worked for me on one hand. In FFXIV specifically, Haurchefant and Ysayle in one expansion - and never again (although should anything happen to the twins, yeah, that'll work). Having another character take the brunt of "this has to be personal For Them" is really one of my favorite vibes. That said, I'm very much a worldbuilding-over-story girlie. Give me a world to muck around in, and I'm happy. And if I don't feel punished for taking my time, this becomes even better - I detest time-based long-term gameplay, I have enough of that IRL. Which means that for me, the vibe of this whole expansion was "excellent, I've got an excuse to be here - oh, we're moving on? You go on, I'll catch up". The last time I felt like this was really in HW, while the resolution to the Monetarist plot was brewing in the background. "Yeah, we can't really go back to our three home states for long. Great - let's explore the floating islands and see what the deal with the Dragonsong war is. We've got nothing but time." In both expansions, giving me time to fool around let me develop a personal connection - not to the characters, to the space. And by the time the plot picks up, I am hooked.

So aside from being my favorite type of worldbuilding, the feeling that "the plot is on pause and I have time to breathe" is unironically one of my favorite things in games, and what lets me feel like I've been relaxing while playing a game. And, well, I really needed a vacation from IRL bullshit, and I got just that.

It was one heck of a surprise for me to see that's not the case for most other players. To showcase this, I actually quite enjoyed one of the most controversial storytelling moments - which was "you've found the City of Gold! ...Now before you go in there, the current ruler needs to inform their successor about the bullshit going on down there, and you're not invited". My WoL's reaction was an amused "yeah, sure, I'm not in a rush - we'll get there (not that you can stop me from poking my nose in). Now, what else did you say was here? Xak Turaal?"I know a lot of other players got thrown out of the illusion of verisimilitude here; for a lot of people, the pacing here felt like a jarring stop. For me, though, it felt like breathing space; like a promise - there's no rush, we'll get there. Take your time, relax. It was like the game said "yeah, I see the load you carry normally. You don't have to for a few hours". And that was great.

It was the same with Wuk Lamat. The big cat wants all the bullshit I hate? She can have it, and my gratitude with it! The only time my WoL felt irked with her was the "invitation to be part of her government" - but even that moment was basically fixed immediately by the WoL's reaction! Which is: you stare at Wuk Lamat silently - silently even for the WoL, no gestures or implied responses, she sheepishly goes "you don't have to answer now... also I got you that pass to Xak Tural I promised?.." Only then do you smile. And you have the option of basically turning around after that and walking directly into Xak Turaal without talking to anyone except Erenville, which I found appropriate and more than a little hilarious. Finally, much later, Wuk Lamat even goes "ok, yeah, I get it now, the invitation was kinda stupid, sorry" - which is a big Point for her in my WoL's eyes.

And you get to just walk away! And there are no problems arising from that! And you walk into Shaaloani, doubling down on the "nope. I am On Vacation. Nothing but the wind and the vibes", and it was exactly what I wanted and needed. And then, after Shaaloani, once I've thoroughly relaxed, the plot picks up! I've had my rest, and now I get to do shit! 10/10 hit in the personal preferences, no notes.

All of this would've been enough to bring DT on par with HW and above ShB (which had the "new world exploration" down pat, but was also much more inconsistent in its pacing for me). But what brings it really... Above HW for me was the last zone. Because that zone hit stuff I'd been needing to have a good cry about, and I spent 8 hours doing just that: reading through and sobbing.

Now, this was a very personal hit in the themes. I mean, it was mostly coincidence that it hit that hard. But it was what I needed.

Dawntrail is an expansion that has two main themes: vacation (break, pause, freedom) and death. Death, while always present as an FFXIV theme, here is discussed specifically in the aspect of "leaving behind stuff for others to take care of". These two themes are bundled in extremely neatly, you keep going back and forth between them, and they reach a crescendo in the last zone, which is a memorial disguised as an amusement park; a memorial whose paperclip-optimizer managing AI was about to try and kill everyone it could reach in order to keep that memorial's lights on. So you walk into a deteriorating attempt to make the "between-space" of vacation last forever, and then you turn that vacation into death, and that comes as a relief.

I won't go into the IRL bullshit that made me cry over this. But the mix of "you can't capture happiness in a gilded cage" and also "you cannot exist in that liminal space where you temporarily leave your burdens - you shouldn't try to actually live there", and finally "someday you will have to leave your burdens to someone else, and you will never solve everything forever" - yeah, I needed that. I needed a good ghost story right now, and I didn't know I did. So the last zone hit insanely hard, and I loved it.

And it hit all the harder because the focus wasn't on me. For contrast, Ultima Thule was my least favorite zone of EW. It was a total, absolute miss for me - the exact kind of "the writers are trying to make it personal" that I hate. I think I have the exact feeling about Ultima Thule that most people have about Dawntrail: if the plot had been moved a few steps to the side, I would've enjoyed it - say, have the Scions lean into "we're building a bridge, and whoever gets to the end will have to handle the rest. WoL, though - you're gonna have to be the last one to go, we need you to bring us back. Let's walk into this with our eyes open" rather than into the "sacrifice" aesthetic. But they didn't, and it didn't hit for me. I felt sort of numb and irritated throughout.

Meanwhile, Living Memory - and its focus on a bunch of NPCs I didn't know, and then Krile, and then Erenville and Cahciua - let me experience what I needed to experience without also feeling like the writers are dragging the requisite emotion out of me with pliers. For once, playing through the story as a Black mage was amazing - I was very much "okay, time to put on my thaumaturge ritual robes and hold a funeral". It was a somber feeling, but also it felt like it should.

And then you get a multidimensional key out of it! And you end 7.0 alone, looking at a map with the key in your posession, and you can see the gears turning in your WoL's head as they plan... That's my personal perfect ending.

As a result, this expansion made me reflect very heavily on my own personal preferences on pacing and plot, and how the niche that I inhabit is probably smaller than I thought. Things that are absolute dealbreakers for other people are barely blips on my radar; while things that are absolutely monumental to me often go unnoticed. Good stuff to know for a writer - and I'm very grateful for getting a story that was written so close to what I like.

[bloody-wonder]

I found this interesting books ask :

https://www.tumblr.com/dnana-2809-blog/749706502296813568/bookish-asks?source=share

Do you mind if I ask, no. 13, 14, 15, 18, and 50? Thanks...😁

thank you! i love talking about books :)

13. name a book with a really bad movie/tv adaption.

i just finished another book by celeste ng so the one that springs to mind right away is little fires everywhere. imo ng's biggest strength is that she writes about identity politics in a very accessible but nuanced way and the show adaptation just took all that nuance and threw it out of the window. my personal little nitpick is that they turned the mc who is aroace-coded in the book into a bisexual. yes, one could argue that her ruminating on how she can't help her daughter deal with romantic heartbreak bc she has never been in love herself is just a throwaway line but it's one of those lines that completely reframes the character and makes everything we learned about her make more sense in hindsight - that is, if you're open to seeing someone as aroace. if not, as a reader, you will assume she has probably had relationships which she just never mentions bc they're not relevant to the story (see: dumbledore rollerblading in every scene). as a showrunner, you will fill in those alleged gaps in her romantic and sexual life with bisexual drama which will give you more content for the show's runtime, if nothing else. so that is an interesting example of aroace erasure - it's not intentional but the fact that a person's deliberate lack of love life is something they, consciously or not, decided just not to represent speaks to a larger problem with aroace rep. if you straightwash a queercoded character people will likely notice. if you allo-wash an aroace-coded character no one will even blink.

14. name a book where the movie/tv adaption actually was better than the original.

i can't think of one that is better than the original off the top of my head but there are some adaptations i'm attached to much more than i like their source materials. the lord of the rings movies, for example. a re-read of the series i did a few years ago proved to be a slog but the movies will forever remain a special quality time i can share with my dad. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy is another example. i know for a fact that the fans of the book don't like the adaptation but i'm biased bc it's one of my comfort movies and i don't get why the book is supposed to be better, despite having read it two times🤷‍♀️

15. what book changed your life?

all for the game changed my life bc by reading it and becoming part of the fandom i have discovered the aroace spectrum and realized i'm on it (on the far end of it, in fact lol). i'm pretty certain the same couldn't have happened via just learning about asexuality from some educational materials bc neil's headspace and the subsequent frustration with how he got twisted in fanon were essential for my aroace awakening🖤🩶🤍💜💚

18. which character from a book is the most like you?

lol idk. i think if i encountered a character who is a lot like me it would make me so uncomfortable i'd erase this from my memory immediately. so instead of an answer please kindly accept this meme i made for my friends and draw your own conclusions😅

50. why do you love to read?

i read for escapism. that's why entertainment and immersion are the main two factors that make or break a book for me. granted, i have weird tastes and often find entertaining the things other readers find boring and vice versa. and i like when fiction is so immersive i can feel my soul leave my body and get transported to a different world, a different life. bc of this one might think i yearn for adventure but that's not true - i love my boring life and i love the illusion of control one has as a reader compared to the lack of control one often experiences irl: if the adventure is not to my liking i can simply close the book.

bookish asks

[theogonies]

too tired to properly format this but here are my haikyuu social media headcanons. if you even care.

you might think that hinata is a tiktok guy but no. he doesn't sit still long enough to scroll. (he does have a tiktok but most of his videos are just himself trying on filters. he knows the draft function exists but doesn't care enough to use it.) snapchat is more his speed, quick and easy way to keep up with his friends. also youtube. is volleyball youtube a thing? idk but i think he's an ipad baby who watches videos while he eats

nishinoya on the other hand? nishinoya is on tiktok. nishinoya is a tiktok fiend. he films dance trends with tanaka now and then (i'll let you guess which of them is more committed) but mostly he's a funnyguy. only the most elaborate of bits. gets bored of socials easily and goes long bursts of time without posting anything, but people like his energy enough that he keeps a pretty consistent audience anyway.

oikawa has an instagram technically but he only posts once every few months at most (cba) and his entire grid is videos of himself jojo posing. they're all super grainy and kageyama is tagged in a few (he has yet to acknowledge this in any way btw). tons of followers in spite of all this.

tsukishima is the king of twitter. don't think i need to explain this one.

yamaguchi has a youtube channel. too busy to post often but every now and then he'll roll out some insanely thoughtful and heartfelt video essays on movies and games n stuff he likes. pretty good editing skills too. tsukishima is his biggest hype man behind the scenes, helps edit his scripts and stuff.

kenma tells people he doesn't use social media but in truth he's an active tumblr girlie. not one of those normal twitter refugee joke-posters either. ao3 reader self-confessed fujoshi. five million different sideblogs and an impeccably organized tagging system. kuroo is the only irl allowed to follow him (kuroo does not care). in lots of discord servers too but only actually chats in a few

kageyama is a redditor. he likes that it doesn't clog his feed with stuff he's not interested in. mostly a lurker on sports subs but he's got a decent amount of karma because he can't let things lie when he sees a stupid question/comment, he's got to leave a terse reply and reddit eats that shit up. somehow ended up as a moderator for a big gaming sub, didn't ask for it and doesn't know why but he takes his job very seriously.

bokuto spends 85% of his screentime on pinterest

okthatsallthanksbye

[gladiolidiaries]

i won't get into details because i hate writing on my phone but for me it's:

> meetup and face reveal, things are a bit awkward but they're just so happy they don't even care, they're just gonna have to learn to be best friends irl now

> twitchcon, still a bit weird and hesitant but it's so new and they're finally together they can't keep away from each other they have to stay close

> antarctica, nothing much changed since twitchcon but they're learning to be in the same space and are getting better at being together, less hesitant and still shy but it's easier now

> hospital stream, it's even better now, they're less hesitant and probably had a talk, dream can't really keep his hands to himself but doesn't know what's publicly allowed yet. their either kissed or had a really good talk about everything

> christmas streams, they can be themselves in public now, and while it looks like they're pandering nobody's surprised around them so they 100% act like that irl too. they're very close and may be dating already but probably didn't put a label on it yet

> nye, they kiss, probably. hannah thought she leaked something, george was SO HAPPY you could feel it through the only pic we got, and they were apparently always next to each other. maybe not their first kiss, something must have happened during the time without sapnap

> now, they're boyfriends. the moment they decided to put a label on it dream couldn't help himself anymore and had to tell everyone, they've been best friends for so long and have such a close bond that they're already secure in their relationship, they already waited enough they don't need to wait more than that, they know they both want it to be forever

won't read all that again ignore typos lmao

I love this. Okay you made me want to write mine. (delulu warning)

October

Meet up : they're over the moon to finally be together. They have a lot of fun, they think they can be just best friends and everything would be perfect.

TwitchCon : a tension creeps in. You can feel it especially in George's behaviour in his stream. It's like he can't really look at Dream in the eyes.

Texas : George's feelings become more obvious but they still both feel very hesitant around each other. They spend time together with others a lot but not yet alone together.

November

LA : George joins Sapnap in LA for his NRG event. He could have easily stayed home but that would mean home alone with Dream.

Oklahoma : Dreamnap leave George alone. George seems a bit bored/down (karl's stream) which makes us wonder why he didn't go. Dream talks about it as if he was invited. Is something preventing him? His own feelings? Idk

December

Antarctica : they share a tent and the tension is through the roof. They haven't had the talk but both are probably now well aware of how the other feel. "He means WE".

Back home in Florida : George gets sick. Dream gets drunk. Dream likes fanart of him and George kissing and tweets about kissing men. George starts feeling better and calls Quackity and Wilbur. Wilbur teases him about moving to Florida for his "friend".

The Shift : if I had to guess, I think something happened that week, before George's first stream back when he was sick. I don't think they had a talk, I think they probably just did something (kissed? idk). Can't really fully imagine how it would have happened.

Back from the hospital : I have never in my life seen George more happy than this stream. He is glowing with happiness. Something between him and Dream feels different. "I wasn't, actually"

Christmas streams : At this point it feels like something is truly happening and Sapnap seems aware to some extent. Not even gonna list everything that happened.

Christmas with Dream's family : We learn through Tina that George had a really good Christmas with them, he gets shy talking about. She doesn't pry.

NYE : They spend it together after Dream was gone for a few days. They can be seen next to each other on Hannah's story.

January

Sapnap's absence : Sapnap is gone for way longer than expected. Dream and George aren't very active on social media, alone together.

Dream's youtube video : Dream uploads a video and George likes a tweet about missing youtuber Dream. A lot of knf can be found in the video, Dream didn't mind enough to cut any of it.

The last 10 days : Bedwars with Hannah and Dream joins, tries to talk about their Christmas together and the gift his parents gave him. Bro chill my boyfriend uses this app. It takes two. Bar together. Snap kiss. LA again. Dates.

[astorytotellyourfriends]

Dominatrix chrissy AU please maam

oh i'm SO INTRIGUED by this concept!!!! i enlisted the help of one of my gc's and my buddy cas (@hunter-gatherer-stuff) suggested a phone sex line and now i shall spiral for a lil while

eddie calls up the line one night when he's bored and horny (maybe he got the number from a friend who thought it was a joke) and gets paired up with a Mistress Ruby after answering some routine questions from the operator (i've decided all of the workers have names relating to gemstones just because)

the thing is, eddie knows chrissy irl. they've known each other for years - maybe they met in college, idk - but her domme voice is different and he doesn't recognize it. all he knows is that mistress ruby makes him come harder than he has in a Long Time and after just one session, he's hooked

chrissy starts acting a little squirrely around him whenever they hang out because she Does know it's him, since eddie's a dumbass who gave his real name and she'd know his voice anywhere!! but also maybe their other friends start teasing eddie because he's always "busy" on a certain night of the week and he won't tell any of them why so they all think he's got some weekly hookup or something

it's all fine until it's not - something happens and chrissy accidentally reveals her real identity while on the phone with eddie and then hangs up on him so of course he starts calling her actual phone number but she refuses to answer so he ends up going around to her apartment and she begs him to leave because she's so embarrassed

the thing is, this is just a job for chrissy. she's never really been into the whole domme thing when it comes to her actual sex life - until eddie started calling. now it's all she ever fucking thinks about when they're together because he's always so enigmatic and assertive, he knows what he wants and he just goes for it!

but she can't deny that she wants to try it out for real. she's had a crush on eddie for years but never acted on it because he's one of her best friends and she'd hate to lose him, so of course once her secret is revealed she naturally assumes he's going to hate her for lying to him

but. eddie hating chrissy? impossible. the whole reason he called the number in the first place was because he's been trying like hell not to fall even more in love with chrissy ever since she broke up with her shitbag ex and just bloomed in confidence (gee i wonder why...)

[gwyns]

tbh with you after finishing acosf and the bonus chapter for the first time, all I knew was I didn't want Elain and Azriel to end up together. I wasn't remotely passionate about Gwynriel and Elucien but I definitely knew E/riel isn't going to happen.

Mainly bc through out the whole series even if 3.5 books of it was from Feyre's pov and first person I didn't felt any spark between them. between Nesta and Cassian? NO DOUBT I new they were mates. as casual reader you can feel they're mate material. but even that rescuing scene everyone keep talking about that it's the main reason they're going to end up together fell falt for me!! bc Lucien wasn't there and I'm sure if he was... no one could've stopped him.

like acosf was the last nail in their coffin! sjm could've made me believe that they're endgame specially when it's 3rd person but she didn't even try lmao. but still I was like well... she made me like Nesta! she made me fell in love with her and understand her in a way it felt personal. she made me fall in love with Nessian and Feysand so she can definitely write E/riel that I might change my mind about them... but I was unsure and I was trying to convince myself lol (the way I kept telling myself that it's gonna be okay lmao)

but then I read the bc and it was over... I was done! the way Azriel thought about Elain made me cringe multiple times. the way Elain felt so small in that scene made me uncomfortable and the way he questioned Cauldron as he has some claim on her? oh all I could see was red!!! so that's why I was sure E/riel won't happen and even if it does I was done with this series I'm not even kidding...

so yes this was my experience with the book! and I brought this up bc I saw one of the E/riels say that if they didn't join the fandom they would've known people shipped Az and Gwyn and their irl friends also didn't know that...

honey sorry to break it to you but you need to raise you standards. bc if you didn't notice how toxic that interaction was... I feel sorry for you</3

e/riel has always felt boring to me. like yeah they have some cute moments but where are the moments that make me grin, stop reading and squeal for a second because the chemistry is making me go insane? sjm knows how to write this very well so her not including it is a choice she made and it's a very telling choice

like even sjm ships i don't particularly care for have these moments, i'm not a huge manorian fan but that "i'll bleed whatever color you want me to" line is SO. GOOD. like it stops me in my tracks everytime i remember it exists. tell me, does e/riel have even one comparable line together? i can't think of any that aren't said by other characters. all the conversations they've shared (and that's not a lot btw) don't have anything with that kinda spark in it

that's something i don't see people bring up much... lucien wasn't present when elain was kidnapped. feyre wouldn't need to find a volunteer if he were there because you can bet your ass he'd do anything to help elain and feyre if we're being honest. the fact that az had to be goaded into even helping is hilarious, the only reason that man went was because nesta bruised his ego and he wanted to prove he was good enough to do it. that and, as i've seen others point out recently, it was somewhat of a culmination of feyre's arc with him. he taught her to fly therefore he was there when she first flew. that makes much more sense narratively than whatever garbage e/riels throw around

az has a lot to make up for in my opinion. his behavior in that chapter was... gross, to say the least. i was annoyed with him beforehand because of that side of the fandom, but his chapter was the first time i truly felt disappointed. it was there somewhat when he attacked eris at the high lord's meeting and made mor so uncomfortable but... idk his chapter was on another level. i felt so disgusting reading his parts with elain and rhys. his parts with gwyn tho? brought out the best in him and made me remember why i liked him so much in the first place. sjm wrote that chapter very deliberately and those who refuse to see it are just upset their predictions aren't happening

it's funny they say that when it's quite literally the opposite. my best friend who i've mentioned before is a very casual fan, didn't even see how elain and az could be shipped because in her words, "elain and lucien are mates". she's read a total of two and a half sjm books and already knows her formula lol

[atomicc]

I had a think about it and I think it's not the fact that I find adult media boring or unappealing as much as it is that my special interests have not chanced since I was a teen. Does that make sense I guess?

I'm still into the stuff I was 10+ years ago, and only really get into things that are in a similar vein. It's just how my brain works. And even so I mostly focus on the adult characters and adult situations. I don't really care about grade school stories but I do imagine Blue Rainbow Friends doing taxes and paying rent because it makes doing that irl more palatable. I guess. When I watch transformers I'm mostly interested in the adult characters and how war is affecting them and the political parts of it.

Genuinely my interests are all pretty much the same so it's not that I'm not into adult media it's that I've gotten older and my interests haven't.

But there is still stuff in those interests that help me in my day to day life and that I'm able to think deeply on and grow as a person from. Yknow? Believe me or not but Cars 3 is not a movie I think any child could relate to and even I'm way too young for it's character plot. It's a movie about a middle aged guy who still has plenty of life left in him being told he's too old for his passion and is being forced to retire because his body just can't keep up with it anymore. What 7 year old is going to relate to that. It's still entertainment tho. Monsters University is about how no matter how hard you try sometimes you literally can't do something and get the job you dreamed of. And as a disabled person who is locked out of His dream job because of it, it really hit me! And that same movie said "but hey, it doesn't mean you can't get close" and I'm like yea yknow even tho I can't be an airline pilot it doesn't mean I can't be in the aviation industry at all. Idk. Sun and Moon of fnaf fame resonated with me and helped me work through the discovery and self acceptance of a serious disorder I have so if it's doing me good and I love it then what harm is there in that.

My interests aren't going to change but the way I interact with them does and that's alright. Doesn't mean I avoid adult media and the topics it handles. Doesn't mean all the stuff I do watch and play has to be deep and meaningful either sometimes I just like pretty colors and happy fun times. Why not.