#and boring can't help thinking this is why i have no irl friends i have no personality i am just trying to heal from depression and trying

[girlivealwaysbean]

isn't this the song for the tags on that post. i haven't heard billie in so long i love her music so much

[rainytypology]

A view of each MBTI type by an INTJ:

Saw a few of these lately so why not? Lol

___

INTJ: My type and the best type obviously. Kidding. Not really. Healthy/mature ones are interesting and helpful, nice and easy to talk to. I've noticed immature ones try a little too hard to seem edgy and cool to fit into the "cold" INTJ stereotype when that's not a flex at all. I think a lot of us are impatient and stubborn too.

ENTJ: Often driven and motivated individuals who put in a lot of effort into what they do. I admire their hardworking nature. I've unfortunately come across a very unhealthy one before who was quite possessive and narcissistic. I did not have to deal with them personally, but a few of my friends did and their horror stories of that ENTJ will probably be stuck with me forever.

INTP: Their minds are...unique. I wonder what goes on in there. Such weird yet interesting individuals. Sometimes a bit rude, unintentional or not. My younger sister is one and I have to resist the urge to fight with her a lot lmao, but maybe that's just us being siblings.

ENTP: Love them. ENxPs in general 🤌🤌. I've never come across a boring ENTP. Often so chaotic. Never fail to make me laugh. I can have the funnest conversations with them. So witty.

INFJ: One of my best friends is one and it's kinda funny how similar yet different we both are. Ni dom things I guess. Other INFJs I've observed seem to have a lot of patience and kindness. Genuinely have a good heart and want the best for others.

ENFJ: I've only met two personally. Can be funny and witty, really approachable people. Both are very loyal and care a lot about their families, they carry a lot of responsibilities for others. Do not like to show their struggles, will probably mention it briefly before changing the subject.

INFP: Probably my least favorite type due to having bad experiences with them. Unhealthy ones can be so whiney and pathetic. Always want to cry and complain but never actually do anything about it. Can burst emotionally without warning. They can be so exhausting to deal with. I'm not gonna automatically hate you if you're an INFP though, that's just stupid lol, but I will be wary. I only have one INFP friend for now and likely because she's a lot older than me, she's much calmer and more considerate compared to the previous INFPs I've encountered.

ENFP: Some weirdos fr but I love it. Always so talkative and excited. Why are you guys lowkey kinda sad though 😭

ISTJ: I haven't come across any irl yet, but a few of my favorite fictional characters are ISTJs. One of my fav kpop idols as well. Not really sure where the boring stereotype comes from as I think ISTJs are quite nice.

ESTJ: I don't think I've met any yet and have typed a few idols as an ESTJ. I know they get a bad rep, but I honestly just think it stems from ESTJ's tendency to be direct, no bs, which can be intimidating/overwhelming for people. They can be really weird and silly only if they're comfortable.

ISFJ: I don't know any ISFJs irl, but seeing ISFJ idols/celebrities, they're just usually nice and kind people. Quiet but do enjoy being with others.

ESFJ: Honestly think my other best friend may be one 🤔 I do think she has a high Fe for sure. They seem to care the most about their presentation and other's opinions of them.

ISTP: I've only met one and they were okay. Pretty chill and had immense "idgaf" energy. But that attitude was also what made them a bit unlikeable as it extended to having a disregard for feelings and morals. Nobody's perfect, but I don't think it's that difficult to have common human decency. I do like a few ISTP characters and celebrities though.

ESTP: One of my older siblings is one and we get along fine. She has a good eye for aesthetics. Her and other ESTPs I've seen don't really seem to be super serious people, they're just trying their best to enjoy life. Adventurous and open minded. Can't seem to stay still.

ISFP: Have only met a few irl and I've also typed several kpop idols as one. From what I've seen, they are a lot calmer compared to INFPs. They're quite passionate but more realistic individuals though, always going for what they want (likely due to aux Se). Also quite blunt lol but it does not top IxTP's honesty.

ESFP: Have not met any irl yet, but from observing an ESFP I follow and ESFP celebrities, I like their straightforwardness. Passionate and expressive. Funny.

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

okay after seeing your poll on the unpopular GG opinions I need to hear your thoughts on lane!!! please please elaborate because on first seeing your take I don't agree but I've also never thought about it so I would love to hear your opinion if you feel like it! :))

Ahhh first of all, omg thank you for caring to hear any of my rambling. :') Second of all, pheewwww boy do I have some unpopular Lane opinions lol.

My disclaimer at the top is that I like Lane! She gets so much interesting, flawed characterization that a lot of sidekicks in fiction don't. I can sound like a hater but I think there's this fascinating effect where fans either relate so closely with Lane, they project a lot onto her - to the point of pretending her flaws and mistakes just don't exist - or they flatly reduce her to her endearing strengths and root for her so much as an underdog, they don't engage with any deeper critique and honestly kind of infantilize her and don't hold her accountable for her choices.

Lane is so relatable because her experience speaks to folks growing up in similarly religious, oppressive, and/or culturally specific family units that maybe feel more authoritarian. This is where I must acknowledge that I'm an only child in a white (eastern European mostly) household where I never really clicked with my parents in most ways and was always kind of at peace with that fact. I've always struggled with fully understanding and empathizing with people (both irl and in fiction) who clearly feel so unhappy and/or oppressed by situations, but lack the courage to really do anything about it when it would be fully possible for them.

Lane's mom is cartoonishly restrictive of her and often downright cruel, but at the end of the day, Lane still cares too much what her mother thinks. She still wants to make her happy and internalizes those teachings instead of really pushing beyond them and rebelling like she acts like she wants to. She folds in on herself with a victim mentality constantly that frustrates me. As a kid, I totally get it, but once adulthood looms and she goes along with her mom's college choices for her, tries to make every friend and romantic interest delight in ridiculous charades to keep peace, and doesn't want to have sex before marriage, I get less sympathetic. Grow up, girl! Maybe it's because Lorelai's story is the 180 degree opposite of Lane's. I have so much love and admiration for Lorelai's bold choices, perhaps that's the root of my disconnect with Lane. Again - I totally get that this is shaped by my personal cultural upbringing.

Besides finding it hard to respect this desire to still be mommy's little girl when I don't think her mother has earned that OR that it's a personally satisfying pursuit for Lane, I find her boy-crazy obsessions dull and shallow. In she and Rory's brief S1 conflict where Lane feels ignored by Rory, I kind of can't help but take Rory's side because girl, I'm sorry, I'd be bored as shit hearing you ramble on and on about some dumb dude you don't even know because his hair is cute.

Although I resent the term so much these days, Lane fits the stereotype of "I'm not like other girls" MUCH more than either Rory or Lorelai in my opinion. She's always talking about dumb girls she doesn't like, girls in bands being her competition, etc. I get that's an easy coping mechanism for a girl like her who only has her taste as something she can feel superior to others about because her life is otherwise small, but still. The main characters get that critique but she's always exempt.

So many fans paint with a broad brush claiming Lane's a better friend to Rory than Rory is to her when I feel it's the reverse - Lane requires A LOT of emotional labor. I've heard folks claim she's just as smart - why couldn't she get into an Ivy, too? Well, to start, Lane wouldn't even go if she had the chance because she's too scared to be truly ambitious, she's not the main character of the show, and honestly, why do people think she's so smart? She's no dummy, but she's never portrayed as being especially good at school or interested in academics. That's where I see the projection creep in. People who relate to Lane are angry on behalf of her perceived wasted potential because they feel it about themselves or others they love.

Then of course, we all get mad about her quick marriage and pregnancy, but those are both fully Lane's choices. She's allegedly disagreed with her mom her entire life, but again chooses victimhood in refusing to have sex until marriage and still valuing the oppressive heteronormative life she's always been obsessed with. She was already making progress choosing her independent starving artist life at that point so she can't blame that choice on mommy. You're an adult - learn about contraception if you don't want to get pregnant! Or get an abortion! But no - Lane is a career self-saboteur. Like pushing Henry Cho away, Lane is addicted to struggling and hiding and keeps creating these circumstances for herself long after her childhood under her mom's thumb. She even needed her mom to plan a tour for her and her band.

AND ANOTHER THING (lol sorry, full drunk-uncle-ing now) but I don't think Dave Rygalski's willingness to lie, hide, and change himself for a girl's attention is healthy and gets waayyy too romanticized. Lane would be a nightmare girlfriend.

When fans share dreams of Lane moving to a bigger city, starting an all-girl band, or being successful in the music industry, I can't help but think those aspirations are far more out-of-character than people seem to think. She's just not that girl - and that's ok! Not everyone is. She ends up seemingly happy with her community and family and walks that line having a good relationship with her mom. We maybe hoped for more, but unfortunately she didn't. And just as with so many other things in Gilmore Girls, that rings so bittersweetly true to real life.

[sysventing]

; I know I'm plural, I know I'm a system but I feel like I'm faking aspects of it. Like I'm purposefully exaggerating my symptoms to feel better. Which in turn makes me feel like everything is fake. I keep making up things that I have no memory of ever happening, the others never correct me on them which makes me think I've just lost all personal connection to them, like I was there but not really, like the memory was made with me but not stored with me. Which is fucking ridiculous. I'm so so confused, all I know is I'm plural. All I know for sure is that, and it's infuriating because I !! want to know more !!! I deserve to know more, but I just ?? can't ??

; and I think us being sleepconscious and me being front bound or whatever the fuck makes this denial worse, because the others are rarely awake and I can never go check on them because I !! Can't access headspace !! But they update me every now and then, whenever they're awake, with things like " we played cards !! " " there's a video game thing in here now, we're racing each other ! " " they're braiding each others hair all lovey dovey it's terrible you should've seen it " " yh he just tripped right over and lied there it was hilarious " and I hate it because I want to be there. I feel like I have friends who I only see hanging out on socials, but are never invited because I'm locked in a fucking box or something. and there's no key, I don't know who's holding it, maybe I am. I don't know

; I'm already in this odd mental state irl, and I can't help but feel they'll get bored of just sitting up there and they'll need me to do something for once. But I can't, I'm so tired and done and I don't know why I feel like I'm faking my plurality, they're up there and I feel like they don't want to be anymore. Not in the depressive way, but in the I'm depressed or some shit and am ruining their days and they just want to live their lives happily. Sometimes it feels like we're all neurodivergent but I'm the only mentally ill one. They aren't doing shit because I'm not doing shit and !! It's not fair !!

; I don't even know where I'm going with this. I don't even know where half of this is coming from. I just feel so unfulfilled and I think they know it. Maybe I'm just out of it but none of this feels real anymore

.

[blow-me-a-kis]

Piracy in ofmd is actually already a culture departed from cis het neurotypical society and Izzy is actually a representation of that. I think if ppl would stop treating Stede like he's injecting neurodiversity and queerness into piracy, and instead as the beneficiary of that society, they could see it, too.

I just feel like ppl who don't perceive Izzy as autistic don't really have close friendships with a lot of autistic or neurodiverse ppl IRL. That or they are still doing a lot of masking in relationships and expecting others to masks. But some of us can't.

Most ppl who interact with me IRL probably think I'm mean or rude or even stupid. I'm partially non verbal, I can't smile at strangers/on command, I can't laugh at jokes I don't find funny, I get snippy and irritable if I'm overstimulated. If you ask me how I'm doing, know that me asking you back is like pushing a boulder up a hill for me.

When I do speak it may come out slowly or come off as crytic/weird/inappropriate, and also I may say it too loud or too quiet or too late or with an inappropriate inflection or with a facial expression that doesn't match. My most embarrassing trait is that I get shouty when I'm having a meltdown and I cant help it.

On top of all that I'm Black, so ppl read me as aggressive/negative no matter how I present

I also have autistic and neurodiverse friends who are very similar to me. I have friends who are downright grating in personality, real Izzy's, who I take comfort in because I know its okay if they find me grating. They don't care if I take a long time to respond or don't respond at all when asked a question, they don't mind if I get snippy or they'll tell me directly if I hurt their feelings instead of holding it against me.

I am actually at a point in my life where I am reevaluating friendships where masking has been a requirement, where I feel the need to perform to be liked. I just want to be allowed to be boring or in a bad mood or tired or slow and inflexible, or a Bitch, because I am, and being Pleasant is just not accessible to me. I'll be 33 this year, and I'm exhausted of trying to be anything but myself.

Even the ways a lot of folks like Stede leave out his less palatable autistic traits. Like the fact that almost everyone who meets him in canon does not like him and he has to grow on most ppl. He's hard headed, annoying, presumptuous, obnoxious. This is apart of his autism as well, and why piracy suits him, FREES him.

Izzy is right at home as a pirate because of these very things also. He doesn't have to mask as a neurodiverse person or as a queer man.

I think it's safe to say a lot of ppl's classist views on piracy are reflected in their negative/unfair views of Izzy. The idea that pirates should be softer or nicer or more pleasant or even that a failure to take on these values is Toxic Masculinity (taking this phrase from fandom and putting it on a high shelf until you learn that upperclass white cis het neurotypical masculinity is not the norm and white women learn to question their motivation in normalizing the idea of systemic harm they can't participate in) neglects what Oluwande spoke about in episode one, that piracy is a culture built by people who did not have a choice to do anything but survive.

I hope in s2 we will see Stede get a taste of what that struggle is really like and abandon his classist, romantic notions of piracy.

[streamdotpng]

Random thought bc I just woke up but I really do wonder how ruts affect the person outside of sex and such

Actually writing an alpha Enid rq, my thoughts are everywhere

Obviously they tend to get more aggressive that's pretty much a given but I'm just imagining a grumpy Enid who's absolutely warm to touch sulking a bit bc she can't hold her friends bc wolves are social creatures. Not to mention the nesting thing, do you think that if they try it'd never be as comforting as how their mate/omega would build it?

Idk, there's alot of common themes where alpha's were meant to destroy/dominate/etcetc and such while omegas are built to nurture. It'd explain why they're usually known as aggressive creatures and also why I plan to slap muzzles onto alpha werewolves

For some reason my mind thinks of ruts and heats as a (monthly?? How many times do they happen again, I forget) sickness most of the time.

As in, you're not allowed to be in contact with most of the populace and most of the time you have one person help you out. How can you not see it as a sickness people get once in a while

Back to the alpha's in muzzles thing. Posturing contests aren't at all surprising, I'm pretty sure people irl do it too but when you're in a supernatural school and your students can grow claws and teeth, I think it's a good idea to give them muzzles to wear around when outside of the dorm room

Don't take this as dystopia btw, think of it as genuinely being a safety thing

Bc aren't muzzles there to keep distance? It has a long snout so it's not like two wolves can start staring each other down, it's hard to be all macho when you're ten inches away from one another. Not to mention that it'd discourage biting, so if an alpha were to be horrible in control, it's there as a just in case. It doesn't look that surprising for werewolves to roughhouse after all

But anyways, I think I've mentioned this before but I surprisingly got more omegaverse lore thatre not sexual because I got into it during quarantine and was very bored. I think you can see hints of it in my other works in ao3

[problamticsideanna]

Fuck you I am not doing this for 30 days-

Himiko Yumeno

Hifumi Yamada Celeste was so real for killing him twice

These are getting repetitive already. If I were to quantify a best girl down to science I'd probably pick Chiaki? She is the bestest girl

Using my same method as above gonna say Gonta. He just wanted good things for everybody :(

Hajime I think is the most interesting. Kaede would maybe beat him if she was in it long T-T

Kokichi Ouma hands down

Saimeno it won't leave my brain send help-

Besides something obvious like Despaircest? Gonna go with Yasuhiro x Aoi I have a personal vendetta towards it

Makoto/Sayaka their okay as a romantic thing too but I prefer them as good friends.

Hinanami

Oumota (They are narrative foils doomed by the narrative your honor.) Or Ishimondo!

Tenkaede or Sakuraoi

V3

Sayaka or Mukuro

Ibuki Mioda

Kokichi or Himiko

Haiji Towa. I don't like Hifumi but he hadn't done anything wrong yet

Ultimate Cosplayer! I love cosplay and being a shapeshifter would be epic lmao

Kaede's fucked me up so bad but it's so well done.

This is an anime track but I really like Despair Imitation. It's hard to pick an in-game banger there are so many.

Chihiro probably. I would also say Chiaki but I also live in delulu land with Extra Life

Kaede's death or Chiaki's death in DR3

Hiroko Hagakure mom mommy woof woof

I mean realistically none of them if I can't summon all of them? Do not separate the classes. Celeste wouldn't mind being separated IG but idk if I could handle her IRL. I would also lowkey wanna summon Kaito he looks like he'd give the best hugs and I love hugs.

Like writing-wise? Rantaro. Everything we learn about him feels forced and we didn't know shit about him when he was alive.

None of them are boring but you know who has never excited me personally? Nekomaru. Sorry Bi king

Idk if it's the most but I do love Fuyuhiko and Himiko's "everyone I love died" character arcs. I'd say Kyoko or Hajime have the MOST development tho. Kyoko got a whole fucking spin-off and Hajime just has... so much going on. It's kind of ironic because I feel like in the opposite direction Izuru gets like... no development.

Junko ig? We don't really see the characters in much outside of their uniforms and their swimsuits that one time.

Like just pure natural strength? Gonta. Out of the buff characters, I think he could take Sakura and Nekomaru. The issue is he wouldn't want to fight. Sakura might take the upper hand since she actually has martial arts training.

Himiko Yumeno. It's why she's my fav she's just like me fr fr.

There is not category for 31 but I have to mention how much I like Monaca Towa. She didn't fit anywhere above which is a CRIME

[barbatos-sama]

this is one of those dreams that really isn't very interesting so idk why i'm rly talking about it, besides like, the fact that yesterday i answered a poll asking what common themes are in people's nightmares and i explained school dreams + those dreams i have often where im stuck in a place not physically but out of obligation, so like when im like "i can't leave the store until i get xyz but oh no i keep remembering more and more stuff i need to get so i cant leave even though i really want to" and i explained that a lot of time that coincides with the school dreams so i have a lot of dreams where i cant Leave for school yet bc i forgot to make my lunch and have no clean clothes and oh no im gonna be late but more and more things keep happening so i can't leave yet" and then there is the Very Common. i want to leave school for the day but cannot due to a stupid sequence of events. and more than once it has been "i can't leave school until i clean out my locker and my locker is FULL OF SHIT."

so then of course the very same night i explain that to the public i have one of those dreams!!!

in some of these dreams where i have to clean out my locker it really gets ridiculous bc i'll finally get done doing it and then my brain is like "you have another locker." in this dream i think it was a record because i had FIVE LOCKERS. and in an event that had only happened in one previous dream before this, i also had a secret back room behind my lockers with More Shit in it.

the dream (at least where i can remember it) started out by me trying to find my locker in the first place, i couldn't seem to find it anywhere. when i finally found it i couldn't remember the combination and it felt like i spent a solid five minutes trying to unlock it. then the dream took pity on me i guess bc the door suddenly disappeared all together so i could access the locker. so i started cleaning it out and there were two kids i actually used to know irl also there cause i guess they had lockers near mine, and we were acquaintances so they were talking to me as i was cleaning. there was stuff in there that i definitely would never put in a school locker irl, there was like important expensive stuff like living dead dolls (like, a Lot of living dead dolls. why would those be in there) and at one point i walked a few feet away to use the water fountain and when i turned around my blue eggzorcist doll was gone. i began panicking and tearing up and also was angry, and the two boys were gone and i was like oh my god these fuckers stole eggy!!!! eventually i gave up trying to find her again and just tried to rush to collect up all the rest of my stuff so nothing else got stolen. like i said previously four more fucking lockers appeared that i had to clean out. my mom appeared to begin helping me take everything to the car, and at one point one of them opened to a secret room behind it, and it basically looked like a closet just filled to the brim with shit back there. i reached my hand in to start sorting and another hand grabbed me Back which scared me and my mom punched whoever was in there in the face ajdjfj. at this point the dream was losing the plot and my brain decided to drop the locker thing finally, so my mom was like "look over here" and we walked down the hall and suddenly we were not in a school anymore, we were on a road surrounded by fields and there was a fucking cow with big horns laying in the grass and we petted it AJEJRJRHR also at least six cats also came up around the cow as well like they were all friends. it was like my brain was like "okay i am so bored of that other shit, have cows and cats"

[proendovents]

(there's some imagery of trauma and stuff in here, it's just how I write, sorry, no idea what warnings (if I'm meant to do that idk) I should put here.)

(I also want to clarify that I am okay, I'll be okay, I just need to tell someone, anyone, this. Sometimes the lonely just hits me hard, at least if I tell someone it feels more real, like I'm not just faking it for attention.)

For a collective that constantly co-fronts, I'm so lonely. Not even headmates are enough to save me from that.

I can barely get out of the house due to health issues, I have one irl friend that I can somewhat consistently see, and none of my online friends really seem to want to chat anymore. I'm scared they're getting bored or I'm being annoying but I'd do anything to just talk to someone.

I live with my mother (and her partner when he's here), but I barely trust her because of the things she says, maybe in good faith, maybe out of ignorance. It's been years, I've always felt abandoned, she (and my bio father) gave me abandonment issues and now I live with it.

I need people, I'm going insane. Humans are social creatures, I'm confined to a cage I physically cannot break free of. Chains I've fought so hard to break, trauma that's bound me for years, and slowly I feel it creeping back.

I have extreme social anxiety, I can't reach out first without it being almost debilitating, but no one ever reaches out to me.

Constantly telling myself that I can't break because the other frontiers (new, still dealing with source things, not their fault!) need me more.

Constantly feeling like vines are creeping up my body, threatening to drag me back to the place I fought so hard to escape.

I genuinely feel as though everyone pushed me into a box, poked me back until I stayed, and then still expects me to be the one to initiate conversation after ignoring me over and over.

I tried, I really did. I just want friends. Why is it so hard to make friends. I make them, then they all vanish because I can't reach out first and no one understands.

Being plural isn't enough to save me from this, not in the dead of night, not when that tiny shard of composure I still have shatters under the pressure of the burden I hold, day in, day out.

I want to tell people about my work, the things I'm proud of, but every time I try, I feel like I get shut down. Either they ignore my messages, say one or two things and nothing more, or tell me "[I] always talk about this, I should talk about something else" (thanks mother.) or other such things.

I try sharing them on my blog but it's not the same, it's never the same.

"Just make friends." They tell me. "Talk to people." I tried. "Join servers." I did. I don't understand why it's so easy for everyone else. In the end, I'm just told I'm "impossible to help" and I don't "help myself".

I'm with two people, two headmates, but that doesn't help, I know they're there, but they know the same as me, they know the hyperfixations, they know my stories. It's not the same.

I'm so lonely, I don't think I can ignore it right now, and it hurts.

- 🍂☘️ . @anonyleaf (previously 🍂☘️ anon)

[acceptingmyowncompany]

Because Who Can I Talk To...

This post has so much potential to be cringe a year from now. Shit even months from now. I need it out of my head though

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with her friend. We met but I didnt really make a move. Too shy. She's cute though. Nice, smart, witty. It became a bit that I thought was still funny despite nothing really coming of it.

We eventually followed each other on instagram, which is good but my friend isn't riffing the bit anymore. A mutual of ours is communicating with me more often than before. Energy is weird but I'm not trying to look into it. Come to find out she likes me and I can't help but feel like thats why my friend stopped riffing the bit and advocating for me/us.

Despite that, the girl and I are kind of... idk playing tennis. Maybe fishing?! Idk the proper analogy. We are posting things kind of trying to bait the other person into interacting with it. I shouldn't say we... EYE, 100% am and she did at least once. Eventually a real conversation starts between us and it's like... legit awesome. Like she's so cool, and we've been thru some similar shit and look at the world in a similar way. I make points and she responds basically finishing my thoughts. Im like wooow we have so much in common. It excites me in a way that I haven't been excited in a LONG time. I think I'm crushing on her now... I can't wait for her to come into town.

She comes into town and I get no sleep the night before. I'm running on fumes. I have no energy to talk to her, to be charming or funny. I'm just listening and yawning a lot. I got her cookies... didnt even present them forreal. She was here for a week and that was the only day I saw her. At this point I'm FUCKING SICK. It's another display of how my friend is no longer trying to help out because she didnt try to set me up with some hangouts. Doubts about her interest because if she was hoping to see me, again you'd think the friend would hit me about plans or invite me over. I dont take initiative. Don't want to be too thirsty. I hold my L and get kinda sad because I like the feeling. I like talking to her, but it's over...

Until... the day after she gets back home, she messages me randomly about One Piece. I'm hype af. She thanks me for cookies, I apologize for zombie. We're talking again. And talking a lot. We are in constant communication. We message everyday. It's not a constant flow but it's fairly steady. We go like this for like a month and some. She's my favorite notification. I look forward to her responses and suddenly they stop. Not all together. The frequency though. A few messages a day to one a day. Now the response coming a full day or two later. Which would be completely fine if like... I didnt see she's been active mad times or when I see her message elsewhere. I'm not mad, but it makes me think.

We aren't anything. She owes me nothing. I like talking to her. Do I like her? I don't have an answer. The level of bothered I am, would imply I do, but it could just be the engagement. The attention. The fact that she activates something in my brain that hasn't been safely activated in over a decade. I don't say this to minimize her impact. I genuinely think she's special. She told me some of her story and I just wanna protect her at all costs even though we're probably not that close. I think she's great but I also still don't know her. We have yet to find a comfortable real life flow. We have yet to establish any sort of chemistry. So it's like cool, yeah we can text and send paragraphs to each other, but can we hold a conversation. Can we go back and forth without prep time?! Until we can properly test those waters, on the phone or IRL then I can't fully say I like her. Just that I like messaging her.

The problem is... does she like me?! Does she like messaging me?! Did her life get busier?! Am I boring?! I don't know how she feels about it. I try to sneak in things in the convo to like indicate I think highly of her, but I get no read on that the other way around. My friend no longer asks about it, or riffs the bit. No convo about us. Its triggering. I was often left on unopened while my friend was texting the girl I liked right in front of me. Her excuse was "oh me and him aren't having deep convo so it's easy to message back. me and you are having more in-depth convo so it requires more thought out answers." The truth was, she was fucking him and they were both hiding it from me and thus TRAUMATIZED. She can do what she wants. She can have a guy in MD, or a guy in her DMs. Again, we aren't anything, but I'd hate to get my hopes up again, just to be being placed on the back burner while she's got other stuff going on. Shits embarrassing. It's easy to feel like a loser and shit.

And so I am at an impasse. I can't be emotional about this. I can't ask for more messages, but I do want more. I want to explore what we could be, even if it's just friends. Just so I can like know its just friends. I want to talk on the phone or play a game where we can use out voices to connect instead of seining one big message a day. How can I do that?! I want to let her know I think she's dope, and I have but she's just kinda been whatever about it. Maybe thats my answer I should probably take that as an answer. I'M JUST TIRED OF HAVING TO PLAY IT COOL. I want to talk about it with somebody that can help me. I wanna be excited about the potential. I wanna laugh with her and learn more about her. I want her to know I think she's cool and I wanna talk about the future together. I wanna do things to connect with her and show her I think she's cool. But then im overbearing. I'm thirsty. I'm doing too much. Scare her away. if she's got another dude she's talking to, im humiliating myself.

I basically wanna embrace that side of life. Intimacy and romance. Connection. I wanna show her my interest and feel her interest. The push and pull. It was cool when we were playing tennis. It was amazing to go back and forth. Idk what to do. I kinda wanna end the convo and she what'll happen. But what if I just hurt my own feelings. How do I pivot the convo we have right now?! I don't know. I've gone crazy and I hate it here lmao.

Anyways, this girls cool and pretty and I wanna get to known her better like talk more intimately and frequently but I don't know if I will or if she even cares to... but I just wish I could be blunt about this thought/feeling. Who know's what'll happen next.

[bloody-wonder]

I found this interesting books ask :

https://www.tumblr.com/dnana-2809-blog/749706502296813568/bookish-asks?source=share

Do you mind if I ask, no. 13, 14, 15, 18, and 50? Thanks...😁

thank you! i love talking about books :)

13. name a book with a really bad movie/tv adaption.

i just finished another book by celeste ng so the one that springs to mind right away is little fires everywhere. imo ng's biggest strength is that she writes about identity politics in a very accessible but nuanced way and the show adaptation just took all that nuance and threw it out of the window. my personal little nitpick is that they turned the mc who is aroace-coded in the book into a bisexual. yes, one could argue that her ruminating on how she can't help her daughter deal with romantic heartbreak bc she has never been in love herself is just a throwaway line but it's one of those lines that completely reframes the character and makes everything we learned about her make more sense in hindsight - that is, if you're open to seeing someone as aroace. if not, as a reader, you will assume she has probably had relationships which she just never mentions bc they're not relevant to the story (see: dumbledore rollerblading in every scene). as a showrunner, you will fill in those alleged gaps in her romantic and sexual life with bisexual drama which will give you more content for the show's runtime, if nothing else. so that is an interesting example of aroace erasure - it's not intentional but the fact that a person's deliberate lack of love life is something they, consciously or not, decided just not to represent speaks to a larger problem with aroace rep. if you straightwash a queercoded character people will likely notice. if you allo-wash an aroace-coded character no one will even blink.

14. name a book where the movie/tv adaption actually was better than the original.

i can't think of one that is better than the original off the top of my head but there are some adaptations i'm attached to much more than i like their source materials. the lord of the rings movies, for example. a re-read of the series i did a few years ago proved to be a slog but the movies will forever remain a special quality time i can share with my dad. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy is another example. i know for a fact that the fans of the book don't like the adaptation but i'm biased bc it's one of my comfort movies and i don't get why the book is supposed to be better, despite having read it two times🤷‍♀️

15. what book changed your life?

all for the game changed my life bc by reading it and becoming part of the fandom i have discovered the aroace spectrum and realized i'm on it (on the far end of it, in fact lol). i'm pretty certain the same couldn't have happened via just learning about asexuality from some educational materials bc neil's headspace and the subsequent frustration with how he got twisted in fanon were essential for my aroace awakening🖤🩶🤍💜💚

18. which character from a book is the most like you?

lol idk. i think if i encountered a character who is a lot like me it would make me so uncomfortable i'd erase this from my memory immediately. so instead of an answer please kindly accept this meme i made for my friends and draw your own conclusions😅

50. why do you love to read?

i read for escapism. that's why entertainment and immersion are the main two factors that make or break a book for me. granted, i have weird tastes and often find entertaining the things other readers find boring and vice versa. and i like when fiction is so immersive i can feel my soul leave my body and get transported to a different world, a different life. bc of this one might think i yearn for adventure but that's not true - i love my boring life and i love the illusion of control one has as a reader compared to the lack of control one often experiences irl: if the adventure is not to my liking i can simply close the book.

bookish asks

[theogonies]

too tired to properly format this but here are my haikyuu social media headcanons. if you even care.

you might think that hinata is a tiktok guy but no. he doesn't sit still long enough to scroll. (he does have a tiktok but most of his videos are just himself trying on filters. he knows the draft function exists but doesn't care enough to use it.) snapchat is more his speed, quick and easy way to keep up with his friends. also youtube. is volleyball youtube a thing? idk but i think he's an ipad baby who watches videos while he eats

nishinoya on the other hand? nishinoya is on tiktok. nishinoya is a tiktok fiend. he films dance trends with tanaka now and then (i'll let you guess which of them is more committed) but mostly he's a funnyguy. only the most elaborate of bits. gets bored of socials easily and goes long bursts of time without posting anything, but people like his energy enough that he keeps a pretty consistent audience anyway.

oikawa has an instagram technically but he only posts once every few months at most (cba) and his entire grid is videos of himself jojo posing. they're all super grainy and kageyama is tagged in a few (he has yet to acknowledge this in any way btw). tons of followers in spite of all this.

tsukishima is the king of twitter. don't think i need to explain this one.

yamaguchi has a youtube channel. too busy to post often but every now and then he'll roll out some insanely thoughtful and heartfelt video essays on movies and games n stuff he likes. pretty good editing skills too. tsukishima is his biggest hype man behind the scenes, helps edit his scripts and stuff.

kenma tells people he doesn't use social media but in truth he's an active tumblr girlie. not one of those normal twitter refugee joke-posters either. ao3 reader self-confessed fujoshi. five million different sideblogs and an impeccably organized tagging system. kuroo is the only irl allowed to follow him (kuroo does not care). in lots of discord servers too but only actually chats in a few

kageyama is a redditor. he likes that it doesn't clog his feed with stuff he's not interested in. mostly a lurker on sports subs but he's got a decent amount of karma because he can't let things lie when he sees a stupid question/comment, he's got to leave a terse reply and reddit eats that shit up. somehow ended up as a moderator for a big gaming sub, didn't ask for it and doesn't know why but he takes his job very seriously.

bokuto spends 85% of his screentime on pinterest

okthatsallthanksbye

[gladiolidiaries]

i won't get into details because i hate writing on my phone but for me it's:

> meetup and face reveal, things are a bit awkward but they're just so happy they don't even care, they're just gonna have to learn to be best friends irl now

> twitchcon, still a bit weird and hesitant but it's so new and they're finally together they can't keep away from each other they have to stay close

> antarctica, nothing much changed since twitchcon but they're learning to be in the same space and are getting better at being together, less hesitant and still shy but it's easier now

> hospital stream, it's even better now, they're less hesitant and probably had a talk, dream can't really keep his hands to himself but doesn't know what's publicly allowed yet. their either kissed or had a really good talk about everything

> christmas streams, they can be themselves in public now, and while it looks like they're pandering nobody's surprised around them so they 100% act like that irl too. they're very close and may be dating already but probably didn't put a label on it yet

> nye, they kiss, probably. hannah thought she leaked something, george was SO HAPPY you could feel it through the only pic we got, and they were apparently always next to each other. maybe not their first kiss, something must have happened during the time without sapnap

> now, they're boyfriends. the moment they decided to put a label on it dream couldn't help himself anymore and had to tell everyone, they've been best friends for so long and have such a close bond that they're already secure in their relationship, they already waited enough they don't need to wait more than that, they know they both want it to be forever

won't read all that again ignore typos lmao

I love this. Okay you made me want to write mine. (delulu warning)

October

Meet up : they're over the moon to finally be together. They have a lot of fun, they think they can be just best friends and everything would be perfect.

TwitchCon : a tension creeps in. You can feel it especially in George's behaviour in his stream. It's like he can't really look at Dream in the eyes.

Texas : George's feelings become more obvious but they still both feel very hesitant around each other. They spend time together with others a lot but not yet alone together.

November

LA : George joins Sapnap in LA for his NRG event. He could have easily stayed home but that would mean home alone with Dream.

Oklahoma : Dreamnap leave George alone. George seems a bit bored/down (karl's stream) which makes us wonder why he didn't go. Dream talks about it as if he was invited. Is something preventing him? His own feelings? Idk

December

Antarctica : they share a tent and the tension is through the roof. They haven't had the talk but both are probably now well aware of how the other feel. "He means WE".

Back home in Florida : George gets sick. Dream gets drunk. Dream likes fanart of him and George kissing and tweets about kissing men. George starts feeling better and calls Quackity and Wilbur. Wilbur teases him about moving to Florida for his "friend".

The Shift : if I had to guess, I think something happened that week, before George's first stream back when he was sick. I don't think they had a talk, I think they probably just did something (kissed? idk). Can't really fully imagine how it would have happened.

Back from the hospital : I have never in my life seen George more happy than this stream. He is glowing with happiness. Something between him and Dream feels different. "I wasn't, actually"

Christmas streams : At this point it feels like something is truly happening and Sapnap seems aware to some extent. Not even gonna list everything that happened.

Christmas with Dream's family : We learn through Tina that George had a really good Christmas with them, he gets shy talking about. She doesn't pry.

NYE : They spend it together after Dream was gone for a few days. They can be seen next to each other on Hannah's story.

January

Sapnap's absence : Sapnap is gone for way longer than expected. Dream and George aren't very active on social media, alone together.

Dream's youtube video : Dream uploads a video and George likes a tweet about missing youtuber Dream. A lot of knf can be found in the video, Dream didn't mind enough to cut any of it.

The last 10 days : Bedwars with Hannah and Dream joins, tries to talk about their Christmas together and the gift his parents gave him. Bro chill my boyfriend uses this app. It takes two. Bar together. Snap kiss. LA again. Dates.

[gwyns]

tbh with you after finishing acosf and the bonus chapter for the first time, all I knew was I didn't want Elain and Azriel to end up together. I wasn't remotely passionate about Gwynriel and Elucien but I definitely knew E/riel isn't going to happen.

Mainly bc through out the whole series even if 3.5 books of it was from Feyre's pov and first person I didn't felt any spark between them. between Nesta and Cassian? NO DOUBT I new they were mates. as casual reader you can feel they're mate material. but even that rescuing scene everyone keep talking about that it's the main reason they're going to end up together fell falt for me!! bc Lucien wasn't there and I'm sure if he was... no one could've stopped him.

like acosf was the last nail in their coffin! sjm could've made me believe that they're endgame specially when it's 3rd person but she didn't even try lmao. but still I was like well... she made me like Nesta! she made me fell in love with her and understand her in a way it felt personal. she made me fall in love with Nessian and Feysand so she can definitely write E/riel that I might change my mind about them... but I was unsure and I was trying to convince myself lol (the way I kept telling myself that it's gonna be okay lmao)

but then I read the bc and it was over... I was done! the way Azriel thought about Elain made me cringe multiple times. the way Elain felt so small in that scene made me uncomfortable and the way he questioned Cauldron as he has some claim on her? oh all I could see was red!!! so that's why I was sure E/riel won't happen and even if it does I was done with this series I'm not even kidding...

so yes this was my experience with the book! and I brought this up bc I saw one of the E/riels say that if they didn't join the fandom they would've known people shipped Az and Gwyn and their irl friends also didn't know that...

honey sorry to break it to you but you need to raise you standards. bc if you didn't notice how toxic that interaction was... I feel sorry for you</3

e/riel has always felt boring to me. like yeah they have some cute moments but where are the moments that make me grin, stop reading and squeal for a second because the chemistry is making me go insane? sjm knows how to write this very well so her not including it is a choice she made and it's a very telling choice

like even sjm ships i don't particularly care for have these moments, i'm not a huge manorian fan but that "i'll bleed whatever color you want me to" line is SO. GOOD. like it stops me in my tracks everytime i remember it exists. tell me, does e/riel have even one comparable line together? i can't think of any that aren't said by other characters. all the conversations they've shared (and that's not a lot btw) don't have anything with that kinda spark in it

that's something i don't see people bring up much... lucien wasn't present when elain was kidnapped. feyre wouldn't need to find a volunteer if he were there because you can bet your ass he'd do anything to help elain and feyre if we're being honest. the fact that az had to be goaded into even helping is hilarious, the only reason that man went was because nesta bruised his ego and he wanted to prove he was good enough to do it. that and, as i've seen others point out recently, it was somewhat of a culmination of feyre's arc with him. he taught her to fly therefore he was there when she first flew. that makes much more sense narratively than whatever garbage e/riels throw around

az has a lot to make up for in my opinion. his behavior in that chapter was... gross, to say the least. i was annoyed with him beforehand because of that side of the fandom, but his chapter was the first time i truly felt disappointed. it was there somewhat when he attacked eris at the high lord's meeting and made mor so uncomfortable but... idk his chapter was on another level. i felt so disgusting reading his parts with elain and rhys. his parts with gwyn tho? brought out the best in him and made me remember why i liked him so much in the first place. sjm wrote that chapter very deliberately and those who refuse to see it are just upset their predictions aren't happening

it's funny they say that when it's quite literally the opposite. my best friend who i've mentioned before is a very casual fan, didn't even see how elain and az could be shipped because in her words, "elain and lucien are mates". she's read a total of two and a half sjm books and already knows her formula lol

[atomicc]

I had a think about it and I think it's not the fact that I find adult media boring or unappealing as much as it is that my special interests have not chanced since I was a teen. Does that make sense I guess?

I'm still into the stuff I was 10+ years ago, and only really get into things that are in a similar vein. It's just how my brain works. And even so I mostly focus on the adult characters and adult situations. I don't really care about grade school stories but I do imagine Blue Rainbow Friends doing taxes and paying rent because it makes doing that irl more palatable. I guess. When I watch transformers I'm mostly interested in the adult characters and how war is affecting them and the political parts of it.

Genuinely my interests are all pretty much the same so it's not that I'm not into adult media it's that I've gotten older and my interests haven't.

But there is still stuff in those interests that help me in my day to day life and that I'm able to think deeply on and grow as a person from. Yknow? Believe me or not but Cars 3 is not a movie I think any child could relate to and even I'm way too young for it's character plot. It's a movie about a middle aged guy who still has plenty of life left in him being told he's too old for his passion and is being forced to retire because his body just can't keep up with it anymore. What 7 year old is going to relate to that. It's still entertainment tho. Monsters University is about how no matter how hard you try sometimes you literally can't do something and get the job you dreamed of. And as a disabled person who is locked out of His dream job because of it, it really hit me! And that same movie said "but hey, it doesn't mean you can't get close" and I'm like yea yknow even tho I can't be an airline pilot it doesn't mean I can't be in the aviation industry at all. Idk. Sun and Moon of fnaf fame resonated with me and helped me work through the discovery and self acceptance of a serious disorder I have so if it's doing me good and I love it then what harm is there in that.

My interests aren't going to change but the way I interact with them does and that's alright. Doesn't mean I avoid adult media and the topics it handles. Doesn't mean all the stuff I do watch and play has to be deep and meaningful either sometimes I just like pretty colors and happy fun times. Why not.

[beansterpie]

For the character bingo: Griffith, Farnese, The Fool, aaaand your favourite Eyeshield 21 character, whoever that may be.

<3 <3 <3 tyyy for the ask! most of which I will putting under a cut because this is quite long lol so GRIFFITH:

Oh were to start <3

Griffith is such a wonderful character who's been living rent free in my brain for the past? Several years?? But I also haven't encountered a character who incites quite so much vitriolic hatred like he does, especially considering that he's written to be quite sympathetic imo. The amount of terrible takes out in the wild web is bonkers, thus the 'everyone but me (and my friends) are wrong about him' and 'done dirty by the fans'. Regarding being done dirty by the creators, that's still up in the air-- depends on how his arc ends. But seeing as the whole moonbaby thing uh exists, I think my choice is valid.

I love Griffith and Guts equally, in large part because of the way they orbit one another, so they both work better as a dynamic (which each other <3) and he's one of the two best characters in the work imo. There's so much wrong with this boy, but I'm adamant that he's never done anything wrong ever in his life, and this opinion really IS like swinging a bat at a hornet's nest lmfaooo. Fight me about it!!

That being said though, in large part because of his Issues™ and Actions™, no I would not want to meet him irl. Even if the eclipse didn't happen, he's just too intense and messy man, I don't wanna deal with that. I just wanna watch and poke him from afar.

FARNESE

Farense is one of those characters where I really like her potential as a character, but I'm largely disappointed with how she turned out lol. I think her initial character traits were really fascinating, and quite unique! Plus her complicated relationships with her half brother is also really frought with tension, but then halfway through her personality basically does a 180 and all the things that were interesting about her mostly up and disappear. AND, so far anyway, the issues between her and Serpico have just been left hanging. So yeah, loved when there was something deeply wrong with her, and never want to meet her because of it, so I like the version of her that I wish she had been.

THE FOOL

It's them!! I love the Fool (or Beloved, his true name), he is so precious. He is put through so much shit, though that isn't the reason why I think he was done dirty (well, not the only reason). That's for lack of follow through with FitzFool as a ship lmfaooo I just wanted them to be happy together and I was so mad to learn that doesn't actually really happen. I would love to see the Fool in every book in the series, and to be more prominant in the ones that he IS in because he's great and that's that. And he really DID nothing wrong ever in his life, and I'm not even being all that tongue and cheek about it lol. Usually characters who are just Good™ can be a bit boring, but he's just such an endearing mix of mischevious, mysterious, and genuinely kind, that I can't help but love him.

EYESHIELD 21 CHARACTER: HIRUMA

YA-HA BABEY!

I've been rereading es21 lately and ugh, I love him your honor. He's kind of a strange character to describe, because in a lot of ways he starts off less as a character and more just this narrative force of nature that exists to make crazy, badass things happen since our protagonist is like, the meekist of meek in personality, and nothing would happen if it was left up to him lol. But as the series progresses you do see glimpses of his humanity, and he loves football!! and his friends!! And he's just UGH so over the top but so relatable and inspiring? Weird combo but there it is.

But yeah he is a difficult character to capture I think, because bluffing is like breathing to him and he's also at least half a loonytoons character. (He and Bugs Bunny should really hang out) So while I have definitely seen good depictions of him in fic and art and stuff, I also see looootsss of stuff where I'm like 'he would NOT say/do that' hfhfh. Plus I have specific hc's about him that I'm pretty adamant about. Also he's the fandom bicycle, and I think the ships are all fairly valid, but the really popular ones are the ones that I actively don't ship so.

He is such a fun character, but I would hate to meet him in real life because he'd probably blackmail me into doing menial jobs for him with no reward soooooo that is also why there are many things wrong with him lol. He's the kind of character that works because the story he's in is also really over the top-- if you met him in real life, he'd just be in jail.