#and blame and love etc. but this is long and convoluted enough!!!

[henryhas2moms]

“that’s your problem regina, you’re always looking for someone else to blame”

cw abuse

regina blames snow for daniel’s death (and at least partially for everything that happened after). snow did betray regina’s trust but really, cora and leopold are infinitely more culpable and ill intended. regina goes through something similar, blaming emma when she brings marian back from the past, and again with zelena when hades kills robin. regina has a consistent problem of not knowing who to blame because of fucking course she does— she’s been abused multiple ways by multiple people her whole life and all of her abusers have told her it’s her fault! her mother says “i wouldn’t have to use magic on you if you were an obedient daughter” the king says “i wouldn’t have to lock you in your room if you didn’t write about your feelings for other men in your diary” (for one thing) rumplestiltskin says “you wouldn’t have a problem crushing hearts if you were a good student— oh you just crushed a heart? you monster!” so she’s unable to blame the perpetrator bc to her they’re invulnerable, (remember regina didn’t grow up in a world where the heroes defeat the villains, she lived in a world where villains crush heroes under their heel, at least until she became the villain herself, and how deliciously ironic is that?) she’s desperately trying to find someone to blame, someone who screwed up, other than herself, so she looks next to her and sees someone she trusted not to hurt her, who betrayed her, no matter how little they intended to, because really, maybe, she blames herself for trusting at all. after all, as heart breaking as it is, when regina reconciles with snow in season three, the person she blames for daniel’s death is herself.

she tells robin “my first love, daniel, was killed because of me. because he loved me.” which is a terrible thing for regina to believe about herself, moreso because of all people who died because “[regina] loved them” (daniel, henry sr, cora, robin) regina had the LEAST responsibility for daniel’s death. of these, i (and most viewers, i would hope) would argue she only bears responsibility for henry sr’s death. but this quote from “snow drifts” leaves us to wonder what regina believes/feels about the rest. textually, regina blames snow for “tricking [her] into killing [her] own mother” (regina’s words) which further complicates things because regina knows it was snow’s (and rumple’s— we won’t let him off the hook) manipulations that killed cora, but it’s crueler than that because for the trick to work she needed to trust snow, at least for a moment, and then snow gets metaphorical blood on regina’s hands when she lets regina put cora’s poisoned heart back in her chest. robin’s death at hades hand is even more complicated because regina seems to accept it as robin’s choice, to take the blow meant for regina “love is sacrifice” and how awful is it that after all this growth regina, who taught snow that “true love is magic… it creates happiness” associates love with pain and loss. then zelena saves regina and kills hades and it’s very touching. but then in season six regina blames zelena for robin’s death because zelena’s trust in hades allowed him to kill robin, which is a few steps removed from real culpability, but one step further, regina trusted zelena’s trust in hades (it’s getting convoluted, i know, but that’s how they frame it in “sisters”), and that broken trust is what splinters and hurts again. and honestly, it would take another paragraph about the split queen arc and then maybe another looping back to the author arc to reallllly explore this to the fullest. but what a cruel and terrible thing, for a character who’s been loved so badly, who’s been loved in ways that hurt her, for so much of her life, for a character with the most resilient heart, who loves unconditionally and unselfishly she would die for those she loves, who loves deeply enough to give her son true love’s kiss without her heart, for this character to believe her love gets people killed? that’s horrible.

[spork-guitar]

I have a Theory™

but first, a disclaimer: this theory is not meant to imply that I think Marinette is abusive and manipulative like Gabriel. I’m only trying to compare their personalities as far as the way they see the world and approach situations, especially involving their respective love interests. please let me know if the way I phrase something at any point seems like I’m justifying and/or condemning something or someone I shouldn’t be, but also know in advance it is not my intent.

okay okay but hear me out here

what if Marinette and Adrien’s relationship was meant to parallel Gabriel and Emilie’s?? like I don’t know enough to have much of a basis for this theory but just listen okay 

we have:

the creative one/(aspiring) fashion designer who:

- is a very talented designer

- is afraid of failure/making mistakes

- has trouble balancing their civilian life with their alter ego

- would do anything to keep their Miraculous identity a secret/to protect themselves and their identity

          - ex: Gabriel letting Simon Says capture him (Simon Says); Gabriel akumatizing himself so his identity won’t be discovered (The Collector)

          - ex: Marinette stealing phones from Adrien (Copycat), Alya (The Mime), and Chloe (Reflekta) for various, mainly self-serving reasons; Marinette (as Ladybug) outing Lila as a liar so Adrien won’t fall for her (Volpina)

- is known for making impulsive decisions and snap judgements that affect other people without considering how those people might be affected

          - ex: Gabriel banning Nino from coming back to the Agreste mansion (Bubbler); Gabriel becoming Hawk Moth under the assumption that Adrien would side with him if he knew what Gabriel was trying to do (Style Queen: “If only I could tell Adrien why I’m doing this. He would understand.”)

          - ex: Marinette shifting blame away from herself and onto the rest of her class when Chloe’s bracelet went missing (Rogercop); Ladybug keeping information from Chat Noir (mainly throughout season 4)

- is intelligent and curious, often coming close to a big revelation only to be dissuaded by a single piece of evidence; interestingly, while they are easily thrown off a trail of otherwise solid evidence, they tend to overcomplicate matters in order to draw suspicion away from themselves

          - ex: Gabriel suspecting Adrien may be Chat Noir, only to drop this theory when he believes he is seeing the two in the same place (Gorizilla)

          - ex: Marinette suspecting Gabriel may be Hawk Moth, only to drop this theory when Gabriel is akumatized (The Collector); Marinette suspecting Chat Noir may also be a student at her school, only to drop this theory when he mistakenly refers to it as an elementary school, while Marinette herself creates a very convoluted plan to cover her tracks (Kwami Buster)

- has a rational-minded “assistant” of sorts who is trusted with their identity

- is connected closely with at least one member of the Bourgeois and Tsurugi families

- is borderline obsessed with their love interest and would do literally anything for them, even if it endangers their identity

          - ex: Gabriel putting the entire city in danger for Emilie many times throughout the course of the series

          - ex: Marinette nearly giving up her Miraculous/revealing her identity to save Adrien (Volpina)

the one in the public eye/model/actor who:

- had blond hair and green eyes, is conventionally attractive

- is associated with birds/feathers

          - ex: Emilie was a previous holder of the Peacock Miraculous

          - ex: while Adrien is allergic to pigeon feathers, there are feathers seen in the background of the famous “Adrien the Fragrance” ad (Gorizilla), and he is also accompanied by birds during a photo shoot (Mr. Pigeon 72)

- is associated with purity/perfection

          - ex: Emilie is pictured surrounded by gold in the mosaic in Gabriel’s office; she is also currently kept in a repository with a transparent case, reminiscent of Snow White’s glass coffin

          - ex: Adrien is referred to throughout the series as “flawless”, “the image of perfection” (Simon Says), and “perfection personified” (Oni-Chan), among other things

- is musically gifted and enjoys music

          - ex: Emilie was a pianist; she also had an extensive collection of records that are currently kept in Adrien’s room (Party Crasher)

          - ex: Adrien is a pianist; Adrien enjoys playing piano duets with other people, including Gabriel (Captain Hardrock), Plagg, and Emilie (Puppeteer 2)

- is associated, however coincidentally, with solitude

          - ex: Emilie’s only known acting role was the lead in a film titled Solitude (Gorizilla)

          - ex: Adrien is often depicted alone or “behind bars” (examples include, Sandboy, Queen Banana, etc.)

- is known to be kind-hearted and generally a nice person, except when the safety of their loved ones is threatened

          - ex: Gabriel compares Adrien and Emilie, calling them “way too overly dramatic” with “quite a temper” when Adrien tells Gabriel to leave in order to avoid capture by Simon Says (Simon Says)

- has damaged a Miraculous

          - this is assuming Emilie is at least partially responsible for the Peacock Miraculous being damaged, as she has canonically used it

          - ex: Adrien was revealed to have damaged the Rabbit Miraculous with a Cataclysm (Timetagger)

- has an off-kilter, lookalike relative

- is connected with at least one member of the Bourgeois and Tsurugi families

          - this is assuming that Emilie knew both families, as it is more than likely she did due to the fact that Gabriel has done business with the Tsurugis in the past and Chloe was a childhood friend of Adrien’s)

- has a job that places them in the public eye, as opposed to their love interests’ more “behind-the-scenes” careers

          - ex: Emilie was an actress, while Gabriel is a reclusive fashion designer who is not known for his public appearances

          - ex: Adrien is a model, among other things, and while Marinette has created pieces for others to model, she herself has never been on the runway

now, we don’t really know much about what Emilie was like as a person or how she behaved relationship-wise (although I may have a similarly long post about that coming soon if I have the motivation to post it), so this is just based off the bits and pieces we do know

so, in conclusion...

age-swap AU where Marinette uses the Butterfly Miraculous to bring Adrien back while Gabe and Emilie have a cute high school romance

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[chenoehi]

The comet, Zero and Riku’s comments, and Sesshomaru’s...age?

To branch off of this post, I was thinking about what was going through Sesshomaru’s mind as he waited for the twins to be born. Like, did he know the comet was coming, did that play a part in his whisking the twins away, or was he just on guard because he knew demons might take advantage once the news spread, etc. That led me down this specific rabbit hole.

So, Sesshomaru presumably knew that the comet was approaching; after all, as Riku told Kagome it was only 500 years ago that his father helped destroy the last one. And Sesshomaru is supposedly 900-1,000 years old. Right? But what’s bothering me is that Zero shows up to let Sesshomaru know she and Kirinmaru will be a threat to his family (as I pointed out in this post, it’s really weird she’d warn him first instead of you know, just, killing them?). And the whole exchange, her pointing out that they need him to destroy the comet, it just seems that maybe...he didn’t know? It could just be bad storytelling, but he seemed urgent after that whereas up until that point he appeared almost relaxed. Jaken knowing where they’d go to destroy it could throw a wrench in this idea, but again, could be poor storytelling.

More importantly, the only reason Sesshomaru wouldn’t know is if he wasn’t born until after the comet passed, and in that case he’s younger than he’s been presumed to be.

No matter what, Sesshomaru is clearly still growing and developing because of how slowly demons age; we’ve seen this time and time again. Toga is physically more mature than his son when he died, and if Sesshomaru is, in fact, less than 500 that means he could have been about 300 when their father died (much closer to Inuyaha’s current age). Inuyasha himself is a hanyo but even he grows slowly. We know by the time his mother died he was still a child or young looking and we know that he now still resembles a teenager, looking a little younger than Sesshomaru. If Sesshomaru is less than 500 years old then he’s not even that much older than Inuyasha, who is ~200 years old (that was already presumed/possibly confirmed and then HNY confirmed Toga died 200 years ago, and since Swords of an Honorable Ruler is anime canon now that’s the same day Inuyasha was born).

I could be 100% wrong, he could have known about the comet, and that’s that, but the interesting thing to me is that the possibility of Sesshomaru being less than 500 years old instead of the 900-1000 years old I thought he was should blow my preconceptions of Sesshomaru’s maturity level to pieces however it honestly doesn’t. If Sesshomaru is only a few centuries older than Inuyasha, that actually would make more sense given how he acts. I’ve always thought it strange that at almost 1,000 years old Sesshomaru could still be so single minded and childish, and physically still look young. If he’s closer to 500 it just makes more sense, so I’d prefer it as the simpler explanation. Ockham’s Razor and all that. And given Inuyasha’s physical, emotional, and mental maturity at 200 years old, Sesshomaru could absolutely be 300 years old or younger in Swords of an Honorable Ruler. He’s visibly younger than his OG/FA future self—smaller, more youthful, and shorter. Similar to Inuyasha now.

On this note about his age: can I just have a moment of silence for Kaede calling Sesshomaru a fool, like yes sis, that’s right he is a damn immature fool. Wise centuries old demon lord my ass, he is a teenager and overall human disaster.

I love this bitch, I do, but he literally spent two whole centuries roaming the countryside whining about how daddy didn’t leave him the better sword until he became a grave robber. Then he tried to kill his little brother (who, fun fact, he actually acknowledged as his little brother before he knew Tessaiga was Inuyasha’s and got big mad, thereafter refusing to acknowledge Inuyasha) because he was jealous. He only started giving up the plot when he discovered that Inuyasha needed Tessaiga, realizing that maybe daddy wasn’t slighting him after all—but he was still immature and petty enough to smack his brother in the face for ‘desecrating their father’s grave’ when homeboy literally used daddy’s bones as a jungle gym months prior. And when everyone pitied him for being used as a tool to complete the Meido, and he seemed convinced at that point his father rejected him, it was his growing compassion for other people and letting go of his desire for Tessaiga (and subsequently his hatred for Inuyasha) that finally allowed him to grow.

He had to suffer his dad’s convoluted trials to grow stronger and mature enough to stop kicking his brother around over a bruised ego and to stop blaming all humans and hanyous for his father’s death. And as shitty as that sounds on the surface, I’m not sure his father would have gotten through to Sesshomaru any other way.

So basically, he’s a perfect mess and totally does not have his shit together, and in no way can I see him as the wise adult people want to make him because, well, he’s ‘a centuries old demon lord’ and a ‘grown man’. That literally means not a damn thing. We are not talking about a human here. It’s not the same as if a 19 year old human had kids with a younger girl. I’m not saying there’s nothing uncomfortable about it or that it’s morally 100% OK. And Sunrise could have done better on...certain points. My issue is that it’s comparing apples and oranges.

Case in point: all the hanyo children on Mystic Island, SHIPPO, MEIFOKU, even Jinenji who is large and not human-like as most hanyous are but yet appears to be extremely innocent despite having to be at least 40-50+ human years old. Full demon true age =/= human age and maturity. Setsuna and Towa (and possibly Shiori) are anomalies as they age at the rate of humans, but the majority of the others don’t. As a full demon aging and maturing slowly, at 900 (or 500) years old Sesshomaru is a sassy, bratty 19 year old. Two centuries prior, dude was looking like a younger, even brattier 17-18 year old when his father died. In another 50 years guess what, he’s still going to be looking like an immature 19-20 year old.

It will literally take centuries for him to mature just into his 20s and resemble his father’s age, both physically and metaphorically. And by that time any human wife he would have had would be long dead, having lived a full human life. Meanwhile, homeboy is just going to be entering his 20s. Which means at some point his human wife will eventually eclipse him in emotional maturity, which for a demon is more significant than physical maturity as they can’t possibly match their human counterpart for any decent length of time. A human lifetime is, after all, a blink of an eye for them and therefore the primary reason that they cannot possibly relate to human notions of age and maturity.

Knowing what we know about his personality and his underlying immaturity (whereas Inuyasha’s is more surface-level), how people thought he’d actually be a perfect non-problematic husband and father (to ANYONE) is beyond me.

All that being said, clearly he loves his family. That much is obvious with the lengths he’s willing to go and the sacrifices he’s willing to make to keep them safe. And yes that includes Inuyasha, Kagome, and their child. He’s saved and helped them, he’s fought with them, he’s long stopped from trying to cause them harm, and letting go of his hatred for Inuyasha allowed him to become stronger. And he doesn’t even bat an eye at Kagome any more, she can literally say whatever she wants to him. No way do I believe he would ever help Kirinmaru kill any of them. I fully believe he’s trying to do his best with poor communication skills and even poorer options.

[vanityloves]

Storm and ivy + medic

@septemberlove i have. no excuse for how late these are but uh. thank you for sending these in 💕.

[word count: 1.8k+ with the longest 'authors note' bc im mentally ill]

sfw, mmm comfy cozy, general sick hcs,

storm - what are cozy days in with your f/o like?

Whenever I think of cozy days, my brain immediately goes to rainy/chilly weather where we can cuddle up together and my brain short fuses. I'm gonna assume this is just like a day off or something though!

How I visual them together vs how I write them is odd because they technically don't act or accept they're 'together' until after the comics but I always write them like they're in a Steady Relationship while on base. I'm always writing a slight AU if you will. Or maybe it's after they get their jobs back at Mann co - I should highkey adjust that but No ♥️. No more thinking, just content based off my idealized universe.

There's definitely a point in their relationship where it's like 'I think I have to put in a little more work here'. I'm not saying either party is slacking but they're slacking ♥️. Neither of them really take action. Chef doesn't blame him or really complain about it because that's their nature, plus they don't know how romantic relationships really work or flow, especially with a person like him. Medic doesn't see an issue with anything and continues on with his normal business. 

What I mean by slacking is, there's not a lot of quality time being spent together which would be fine if it wasn't both of their strongest Love Languages, which could help them strengthen their relationship. It's odd because they're 'romantically involved' but they don't spend a lot of time together for either of them to consider it romantic, simply because it's on company time. 

ANYWAYS THATS JUST ME BEING CONVOLUTED. FEEL FREE TO JUST IGNORE ALL OF THIS.

Medic goes to bed pretty late and wakes up at a fairly early hour. Chef is a late sleeper and forced to be an early riser because their Actual Job is to make at least 2 or 3 meals a day (if they want something else, they're on their own but hate when anyone messes up the kitchen and will honestly, stand there and watch said person).

There's minimal time they can spend together if they want to do their own activities - for Medic, it's tinkering around with organs or in Engie's garage, for Chef, they're typically meal prepping or trying to tend to an animal or plant of some sort.

Medic is actually more direct about wanting attention and it's never been a problem because he's cautious about it. Chef is more emotionally inclined and willing to drop hints that they want more attention. 

Chef probably has one day off where it's a complete free for all, for the rest of the team, which would be the perfect time to spend with Medic - If he wanted to stop working, that is. Just don't picture it but, Chef will literally sit in the medbay for hours just to be near the guy, but it isn't bad? The drone of machinery or the scratching of his pen is relaxing, or having his doves nearby is always sweet! Plus, he's prone to talking their ear off when he finds something interesting, so they'll chime in and have some back and forth.

But, yknow - sometimes having someone's undivided attention is nice and Chef is pretty dense when it comes to that and wonders why they feel so upset.

They swallow their pride and ask Medic if they sleep in his room one night and Medic's not as dense as Chef, he understands that they'd never ask for something so out of the blue for no reason and he promises to finish up his work early so they could head to bed together. Chef had nothing planned, they literally just needed that affection and closeness - since it was their day off Medic takes the hint and puts his work aside for the time being.

They'd probably sleep in and stay in bed a while longer before getting ready together - no uniform required. Chef isn't so talkative in the mornings, Medic's noticed, but they were happily fiddling with his buttons and tie, humming in thought before answering his questions. Medic's seen them out of uniform of course, but it's always funny seeing them in just a button up and jeans like … mom on the go vibes. Medic leaves his coat behind before making his way to the kitchen with Chef. 

The kitchen usually has a couple people loitering around, grabbing their coffee or honestly, waiting around for Chef because they always make extra and these bitches are lazy. But the kitchen has now become A Medic Supremacy Zone and he has first dibs - the benefits of being w/ Chef I guess. The two would work as if the others weren't there, keeping their conversation between each other even if that means Medic tilting his head down while Chef leans in closer to reply. There's a high possibility the other have left them to their own devices, seeing as the couple was ignoring them / knows they won't be getting anything. Breakfast isn't extraordinary but it feels special since they actually get to sit across each other and share the morning today.

It's possible that they'd go out and run some errands today, but it's a cover to window shop and walk around. I'll be honest, they probably haven't had proper dates so it's refreshing. You could ask Chef what they liked the most and they're just like :] Yes. 

Other times, they like to curl up and catch up with some reading (well, Medic at least) while Chef rests against him and skim over the words. They're not too invested in what he's reading but likes to have some idea of what he's talking about so they don't ask too many questions. (Very 'these words are big and english/german is not my first language + I can't read as fast as you can so I got lost 7 pages ago). Medic likes to watch Chef garden and tries to help them tend to whatever they're able to grow in the goddamn desert. He overwaters a cactus and looks away if it dies. Chef talks ab how they're growing mint and how it really took off while Medic's standing there like :] Oh, lets make tea with that. Because they're Old People (read: Medic is old)

🕊🐁

ivy - how do you take care of each other when you’re sick?

Chef is easier to take care of when they're sick. They continue working until they're pretty beat but once they feel sick and a break doesn't work, they'll try to finish up what they can before turning in early. They see themselves to bed and inform whoever's near that they won't ne there at dinner and if they really cant figure it out, then come get them - other than that, they're barricading themselves in their room.

When they're sick they're REALLY sick but recovery time is usually a few days (depending on how bad it is). They basically hibernate and don't like being disturbed. They're used to not fending for themselves since they've been on their own for a while but really appreciate all the check ins Medic does w/ them, especially when they're all better. 

Medic, being...their Medic, he definitely gives them a check up when they first begin showing symptoms and he can be a stickler when it comes to drinking fluids and eating properly. Chef usually has a  finicky stomach as it is so Medic really urges them to drink soups and easy foods like bread and crackers. He checks in on them A LOT, even if that's just peeking in to see if they're asleep or not. He backs off when Chef gives him a cold stare from under the covers and minimizes his intrusions/tries to be more sneaky about it. He has colder hands and they let out a sigh when he puts his hand to their cheek or forehead to check their temperature. 

Chef doesn't hesitate to take any medication he has for them, mostly bc they aren't fully coherent but they also don't have energy to care, in fact they have the thought that if he accidentally kills them, maybe respawn will cure them. Unfortunately, Medic debunks this before they can even muster up the energy to ask.

Overall 7.5/10, very good patient. Will refuse to get up and accidently falls asleep in the shower which scares the shit out of him.

Medic on the other hand is very stubborn and doesn't like to stop working unless there's something that physically stops him (ex: vomiting, serious injuries [unlikely bc medigun], etc). If he tricked the Devil, surely the man can beat the common cold or flu! Unfortunately he gets those full body shivers and feels terrible. He can be pretty dramatic when he's sick and everyone's subjected to his bad attitude. 

It's Chefs turn to play doctor - they can tell by looks alone that he's under the weather. His face is flushed and he's a bit sloppily put together, which isn't *too uncommon* but his tie isn't tied and his glasses lamely slide down his nose. They tsk a bit while taking his temperature just to keep track of it before ushering him to his room.

He can be dragged to bed if persistent enough. Chef's firm hold on his arm is enough for him to get off his chair and have them tug him along. He doesn't have any room to argue with them as they look up at him, so he relents, stating that a short break would definitely do him good, but he'll be up and at em by tomorrow. 

Chef is doting and becomes a bit of a helicopter parent when checking on him. This mostly consists of peeking their head in but not really stepping in the room. Every so often they'll wake him up to drink water and either hand him an ice pack or offer a cold towel and move to dab at his forehead and neck.

Medic hasn't been too keen on having others taking care of him bc that's HIS job, and he often tries to shoo Chef away by saying he's more than alright now. Sometimes he's caught sitting up in bed doing work or taking notes on something bc he's a bit restless when he's sick and stationary for too long.

But he's right. He's very good at taking care of himself - when Chef offers him food he'll force himself to eat some of it and he's drinks plenty of fluids without needing reminders. He kinda bosses Chef around, telling them to grab certain medications from the Medbay. They trust his judgment on his own health and bring him what he asks for but Chef keeps a mental note of what he takes and when. Don't need the doctor accidentally taking too many pills today!

Overall 6.5/10. It's hard to get him into bed and becomes restless fairly easily. He is persistent that he's ok after one day of rest only to be found sneezing himself away in the Medbay. 

[trashcatsnark]

5 and 7 for the get to know your V thing

Ahhhhhh, thank you so much for the ask, nonny! You made my night!~  Also, SPOILER WARNING!!!!

5. how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction?

THIS GOT LONG AS FUCK AND I APOLOGIZE!!!!!!!

So, my V is a former nomad with this whole convoluted backstory about how her clan is Raffen Shiv, darwinistic asshole bastards and she left and now they wanna gut her for betraying them essentially. So, her blood family is less concerned about her career choices and more concerned with putting a bullet in her head. 

However, her found family, initially is Jackie, Misty, Viktor, and Mama Welles. Jackie’s her partner in crime and kinda brought her into it, though she was doing similar work in the Badlands already. And honestly, a part of me thinks Jack sometimes feels some guilt over that. My V is in her early twenties, fairly young, whereas I do believe Jackie is canonically 30. So, theres definitely a part of him thats like I dragged a fetus into merc work what have i done. Which is probably why he’s a little protective of her on gigs. Misty worries about them both, so does Viktor, and Mama Welles of course. And in terms of found family later on, generally speaking, they worry about her a lot. 

Judy still sees a walking corpse, scared of when V’s luck is gonna run out. I think she also struggles a lot with the dichotomy of V to her and the V she knows exists. Because after the initial, rough start of their friendship, Judy sees V as a good person who helped her. But V is also a merc, she kills for money, lives have price tags to her which seems so opposed to the same V who helped her find Evelyn who supported Judy and grieved with her. Its a weird contrast that Judy isn’t always sure what to make of. 

Goro obviously doesn’t think much of mercs, we see this in game, he’s got kind of a judgey vibe. And as he ges closer to V, I definitely think he finds himself wishing they’d switch professions, but he knows they feel the same way towards his life. He told them he can’t be taught new tricks, so, as much as he’d like to its not really fair to push them to change when he won’t either. 

Kerry is terrified of the day she goes on a gig and doesn’t come back, I feel like he’s the kind of friend to offer financial help in hoping to coax her out of it, but she refuses it every time which drives him up a wall. Because he wants to help, V has become his closest friend (other than Johnny) and between her allowing Johnny to take over for concerts or just giving them time to talk without her and her merc work leaving her always bruised, always bloodied, always with a new wound. He feels like he’s watching his best friend slowly kill herself and no matter what he can’t help her, because she won’t let him. 

River, I don’t know much of at this point, but I feel like given his job he’s seen what night city does to people, the horrors she must be facing and the danger she’s in, and wishes she’d find something safer. From what I have seen he seems to be big on like settling down, having a normal life, and I think he’d want that for V too and doesn’t always get that it isn’t something she wants. 

Panam seems to do smuggling work mostly, like a lot of nomads (most extreme job she mentions is smuggling a corpse, not being the one to pull a trigger) so she of course worries about V’s more dangerous jobs and tbh especially with my V being a former nomad; I think Panam would also almost see V as a warning sign of what could happen to her if she continues to stray from the Aldecaldos. 

And of course, Johnny worries more than he lets on. At first maybe just cause their lives are linked in some ways, but overtime it’s more because of a genuine concern for her. As ironic as it may sound for our terrorist rockerboy, it genuinely worries him to watch how much danger she puts herself in on a regular basis.It feels like despite everything they’re trying to do, she doesn’t truly care about her own life, and at a certain point it terrifies him because he can’t help but think that eventually there will come another morning and he’ll feel like something is missing and it’ll be true, that he’ll search and search for that sense of relief of having her but it will never come because she’ll truly be gone. 

7. if offered enough money/power, would you be willing to join the corpo lifestyle? if you’re former corpo, would you go back?

Not in a billion fucking years! My V was anti-corp and anti-capitalism long before Johnny came into the picture. Because she’s a nomad, she knows what led to nomad groups, it was the corps taking and destroying land. And now, the corps go on news and talk about how evil nomads are for having the nerve not to bow down and lick the corp boots. As much as she dislikes her nomad family at this point, she still agrees with certain viewpoints that were instilled in her, one of them being the dangers of corps and capitalism. And hell, if she’s being honest, she blames corps at least somewhat for her nomad family situation. Because their initial actions that spurred nomad families traveling and the continued smear campaigns on nomads helps foster the isolation of certain nomad groups, an isolation that can give leaders within these families the unchecked power to do whatever they want with no consequences. She gets why people do become corpos, why if you’re scouted out and have a chance to live a life so many never could dream of why you’d take it. When the choices are starving or licking the boot; you do what you gotta. But, for herself, she couldn’t ever compromise her morals like that. 

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[yutaya]

Discord was talking about how Colleen still has a grudge against Ward. I started considering how they could potentially bond.... it’s a conundrum.

The problem, of course, is that Colleen remembers very well the day that Ward Actual Meachum, one of the all time youngest Fortune 500 CEOs, one of the most successful executives in New York, one of Profile Magazine’s “Hot 50″ Entrepreneurs, CEO of International Corporation Rand Enterprises Ward Meachum showed up at her struggling dojo and tried to bribe her into lying to the legal system that the homeless guy with outdated ideas about challenging dojos but who seemed otherwise earnestly harmless had threatened her, was dangerous, unstable, and possibly armed (there had definitely been a mention of guns to heads.) The homeless guy who had just called her for help, because he had already been committed and was thus safely out of everyone’s way already, who’d said that he’d been drugged and taken against his will and attacked in the street because one of the richest families in New York had it out for him, who had called a woman that he’d met twice because she had been nice enough to give him some slippers before she sent him packing - he’d called her and said that she was the only person who could help him. Ward had responded to her initial denial that Danny had been at all threatening by suggesting a bribe for lying about it anyway, had cut her off and ignored her second denial, and, after he’d successfully set all her alarm bells about men who don’t take “no” for an answer ringing, came back the next day with prepared papers and a check for $50,000.

When Colleen saw Joy Meachum’s tears and shock at Danny’s mysterious m&ms package she’d thought it possible that the Meachums were underhanded and unethical but may have at least actually believed that Danny was a legitimately crazy impostor - Colleen thought that for about half a day, and then she had to fight off Rand Security home invaders in her pajamas.

The Meachum siblings went from accusing Danny of stalking them (and, as she’d discovered later, actively trying to have him killed) to admitting he was their childhood friend and helping him fight the Hand and their corrupt murderous father. Ward apparently decided he could be the brother Danny wanted so badly after all and the two of them spent the year after Midland Circle just sort of pretending that everything else had never happened. And Colleen, who loves Danny and knows how much he values having a family, tries to be cordial.

But she’s never really stopped thinking that Ward Meachum is a piece of shit.

-

Ward, for his part, is hyper-aware of the fact that Colleen hates his guts, can’t blame her for it and in fact approves of her reasons (his brother’s significant other had better take extreme offense to anyone who jeopardizes him,) and is a little bit scared of her.

If Danny ever leaves him alone in the apartment with her for some reason Ward probably just stays out of Colleen’s way and they politely ignore each other until Danny gets back.

-

So, how can Colleen and Ward bond?

1. Danny pulls the typical sitcom “I want the most important people in my life to get along” move and wheedles an agreement to dinner out of them where they continue not to get along until somehow bonding over how they both love Danny or potentially over making fun of Danny (with love).

1: Flaw - They already know they both love Danny, that’s the only reason they have the level of acquaintanceship they do now.

2. Ward texts Colleen at some point during the Asia trip because he can not take this anymore, he has to vent about Danny to SOMEBODY, and it turns into a texting relationship that turns into an actual friendship centered around commiseration re: Danny and the unbelievably stupid things he does and his ridiculous accidental flirting ways - previously discussed with hilarity on the discord but when taken seriously:

2: Flaw - Ward would probably not text Colleen about this; he knows she hates him.

3. Ward sends a message to Colleen to tell her when they’re scheduled to land in New York coming home from Asia because he knows it would make Danny happy to have his friends welcoming him back.

3: Flaw - Although Ward would definitely do this, it wouldn’t really lead to any bonding between Ward and Colleen. It falls in line with the Danny-centric accord they have now.

4. The twelve-foot-mountain-troll method: Ward and Colleen wind up in some perilous situation where they have to work together, including active communication, to survive/save Danny/help Danny/save or help other people.

AND

5. The adventures with Zuko method: Ward and Colleen embark on some mission together, working together (including active communication) to solve the problem/find some information that will help/save Danny or other people.

4&5: Convoluted - requires circumstances - Why are the two of them specifically together? Colleen needed Ward’s resources for something like in S2? Why would Ward insist on coming along? If Ward needed Colleen’s help on something it would be more likely to be related to her physical abilities or street knowledge of a dangerous situation in which case she would be more likely to have to go/insist on joining, but what thing like that would he need Colleen’s help for? It would call for even further circumstances, like Danny is unavailable and the matter is time sensitive, or Danny is out of commission. It could not be about Danny’s safety without Danny being out of commission because if Ward tried to go behind Danny’s back even if his intention was to protect him Colleen’s opinion of him would only worsen and she would definitely tell Danny/insist he tell Danny. It seems a huge stretch to have the two of them together by coincidence, like if they both happen to be at the bank when it gets taken over by robbers.

Scenario - Maybe Colleen could be in the Rand building for some reason when it’s attacked? System override and lockdown or something. Attackers would of course go for the CEO and potentially the other executive level employees to try to make Ward do something (HA good luck with that they have no idea how stubborn he is), Colleen and her vigilante soul probably defies being a lobby level hostage by climbing into a vent in the bathroom or something and making her way to the top level to help. This would be a good opportunity for nonverbal communication between Ward and Colleen, demonstration of trust in each other to take care of their part in whatever/get things done, plus throwback to the fight at Rand from S1. Actually someone please write this.

4&5: Pro - If it’s a situation involving helping other people especially, but just the kind of conversation x situation prompts could work too, scenarios 4 and 5 would be an opportunity for some of Colleen’s views on Ward to change - his priorities and his ethics could be revealed more clearly to her and cast him in a more favorable light.

6. Just.... prolonged exposure? As Ward keeps being there at family game night and family dinner and Misty being chill about him (‘Why, Misty?’ Colleen asks, looking to the sky: ‘Why?’) and him being an admittedly cute parent and Danny babysitting his kid with Colleen’s inevitable help and continuing to be a reliable ally for all their major Iron Fist snags Colleen slowly starts to think of him less harshly, they get more used to each other and slowly start to consider the other as someone they could rely on to do something if they needed it, etc. Maybe they’d even grow to like each other, eventually.

6: Con - Would take a long ass time, not nearly as fun as the other options.

-

Other ideas welcome. Gang?

[raeofalbion]

003 for mycroft

Meme - Aaaa, this is so late, sorry!! Thank you, though!

How I feel about this character:

Uuuuuuumm, he’s super adorable. The nose-crinkle thing he does sometimes? Absolutely outstanding; 10/10, would watch again. And his suits?? Very sharp, incredibly flattering, gorgeous ties. I would happily visit his tailor in two seconds if I could afford it. And he’s such a sarcastic nerd who loves noir and has a gunswordumbrella?? But he’s also really fuckin’ terrifying and I don’t think we talk about that enough. Like…this man can start wars in minutes, he knows all the secrets the government doesn’t want getting out, he knows where all the metaphorical bodies are buried (and some of the physical, too), he’s not afraid of hijacking an entire country’s security (and probably ignoring a lot of laws about the use of it) just to watch his baby brother…and he does it all with an almost casual ease. He could order a hit on someone the way the rest of us would order takeaway. And that’s scary. That’s really, really scary. I want to hug him so bad.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: 

…okay, look, I do ship him and Jim (and want them to bang) and I do kinda ship him with Seb in a “there was a very convoluted set up and somehow now we’re living together very domestically and neither of us know how it happened” way…and there’s a few other characters I won’t name that appeal to me with him, but my OTP for Mycroft is him and just being happy–him having as much good food as he wants, as much space as he wants, no one bothers him, his suits all remain perfectly pressed, all his paperwork is filed on time without extra stress, etc. Mycroft/Happiness. That’s what team I’m on.

My favourite non-romantic relationship for this character:

His and Sherlock’s relationship. They’re such brats. I love that they play board games–of all the things to play?? And how much they both care even if they won’t show it.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Gods, what’s an unpopular opinion on Mycroft? Uh…I’m not…really into Mystrade? -awkward shrug- Read some really good fics for them, but it’s not something I’ll go out of my way for. I just don’t see it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with thischaracter in canon:

If I can stretch this a little, I wish he hadn’t gotten all the blame for the situation with Eurus and their parents. He was a kid when all this started–he shouldn’t have had to take over as the responsible member of the family at thirteen (ish). It most likely wasn’t his decision to tell his parents that Eurus was dead and how do you bring that up later without risking damage to Sherlock, too? He did the best he could with a shitty situation and his parents should have stepped up and taken responsibility for their children.

If I’m not allowed to stretch it, I’d have just liked to have seen more of Mycroft at work. His interactions with Jim/Irene/Magnussen/etc. What things are like on a day-to-day thing. That kind of thing.

Favourite friendship for this character:

Hmm…already mentioned Sherlock, so…I think Anthea. Like…you know they had to spend a lot of time snarking back and forth over people screwing up at work. And long nights working and idk, I just like the thought of them being good friends.

My crossover ship:

@toprotectandscrve and @governmentofficial have got me shipping Mycroft and Jasper (Fable III) sooooo hard to the point where I’ve found myself plotting out Mycroft/Jasper oneshots a couple times. One day, one day. (They’re also great rpers and deserve lots of kudos! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ )

[canmom]

sad anxious post below. cw thinking about future, self-deprecation

I should be feeling hopeful, like my life is changing for the better. I have a decent job, I’m moving out, I’m doing better than I used to at managing my own affairs, I’m learning to cook, I’m making phone calls and managing finances and so on. Basic adult skills obviously, but I have found them very hard, as embarrassing and shameful as that is.

Instead I feel like... I’m just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I’m struggling with my work and feel like it’s only a matter of time before my poor performance is recognised and can no longer be blamed on house hunting or whatever, I am terrified that when I move out I won’t be able to look after myself and will run out of energy and return to my parents in tatters like what happened at university

and I am feeling very bad about my writing and general contributions to the world, I’ve fallen apart in my D&D group and need to leave and the circumstances (entirely my fault, and too convoluted to explain, basically I fundamentally misinterpreted the premise and pushed the game in unwelcome directions) are upsetting.

everything about my identity and existence seems hollow and false or manufactured or suspect. there’s no outside to capital etc. etc., but who the hell even am I? what am I for?

I have made people dependent on me in various ways. People care about me. so I have a responsibility to see everything through, and live, to not let those people down the way I’ve let p__ down and a___ down and this D&D group down. so I’ll try to keep going. and hope that somehow it all works out differently this time.

when do I feel ok? when i’m learning things, when I do things that make other people smile or appreciate me. but what am I living for? what's the long term purpose?

the average life expectancy at birth of a person in the UK is apparently 79.2 years for men and 82.9 years for women. it’s not clear which statistic, if either, is relevant for trans women. this is modulated by various factors: I’m white, employed (for now) at a ‘middle class’ job, do not exercise as much as I should, do not tend to eat enough but eat acceptable amounts of vegetables when I do, have a fast metabolism, do not smoke or drink, have depression and some sort of neurodivergence that might be adhd, autism, idk, etc. etc. but taking the average, the 26 years I’ve lived is almost exactly a third of my life. so I have twice as much time to live as I have lived so far, probably, about another 54 years. This does not take into account potential crises, such as wars, climate change driven natural disasters, a collapse of the global system of production and distribution, which will happen on unforeseeable timescales.

the measure of whether my life is any good is how much I give back to other people. it’s in caring, supporting, loving, creating things that reach others; and in not hurting people, unintentionally or not. it is in transforming this world to make it less miserable and cruel, at least the small parts of it I have any effect on. what I am doing towards that end? what could I be doing, that I’m not doing?

once I thought what I would give to the world would be scientific research. But that dream failed. Then I imagined I might have a role in creating some form of social change, but there are few affordances available to create it; it is questionable what good ‘activists’ and ‘organisers’ achieve, or whether such conscious effort can have much of an effect. I will still yet participate in struggles, but I feel disillusioned with what I can hope to accomplish.

I have a job as an educational writer now. does that do any good? maybe... I’m not sure if Brilliant.org’s model of commodifying education as a vehicle for venture capital is a good thing. Sure, that’s what universities are already doing. But are the things I try to teach things that matter, or just things that justify and uphold a world that has no right to exist?

What do I really enjoy doing? Creating stories, I guess? But all my stories feel inadequate. And... artistic production just seems like a way to create another sphere of fandom production. Buy a NieR: Automata figurine! Buy the novel! Watch another half-hour analysis video (with advertisements) discussing its philosophical import! Post about it on Tumblr (between advertisements)! Build your identity around being someone who likes Yoko Taro! (I say this not to pick on NieR Automata specifically, but like... precisely because it’s a thing I love.)

So if I write a story - no matter how profound or meaningful, no matter how revolutionary - what good does that do? For anyone?

and apart from that... why is it that so many people I’ve known now and cared about find it difficult to talk to me? why am I broken like this?

anyway here’s another sadpost to put on tumblr.com and forget about.

[sentinelkelly]

Destiny 2: Curse of the Butthurt Man-Children Review

Destiny 2 has been in trouble for awhile now and despite what the crying man-children on Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, the Bungie forums and the hack of journalists from Kotaku, Forbes (lol did I really include them?), IGN, and Polygon, I strongly believe Destiny 2 is getting better in some aspects and worse in others. I still believe this game have great potential in the future, but for Destiny 2 to be great, Bungie needs to be less reactive and beat the community to the punch, sort of speak. More on that a little later. Let’s get on to my blasphemous opinions.

The Story

The Curse of Osiris story reminds me of Call of Duty: Black Ops III’s story. Let me explain before you get triggered: The Call of Duty, in my opinion, always had a great story despite how you felt about the multiplayer and it’s community. When I played Black Ops III’s campaign, I couldn’t help but to be lost in the plot and be almost put to sleep. The plot was convoluted and had too much filler content that further added to my confusion. This is exactly how I felt playing Curse of Osiris’s story. Although people think the story was pretty fast, I beg to differ. It took me about 4 hours to complete, excluding getting distracted by Public Events and in real life stuff. Then again, I wasn’t speed-running. Maybe that’s why, but it was definitely longer than the Dark Below which a lot of people forget about. Bungie squandered a perfect opportunity to effectively use the Osiris lore.

At the same token, Bungie opened the door to expanding the Osiris lore  (besides a webcomic) and revealing some Saint-14 lore. I would also love some Dredgen Yor lore at some point too. Time well tell how much more lore we’ll get and of whom.

Eververse

Dear Lord... I hate the fact that the loot pool is so large and RNG is still what you expect from a Destiny game. If I had to pick which is worse between Treasures of Ages and Illuminated Engrams, I wouldn’t answer because there is no lesser of the two evils. Although, at least I get the armor in Destiny 2 while I still haven’t get a single piece of AoT armor for any character on Destiny 1... on Xbox and PS4.

At the end of the day, her wares are still optional, cosmetic to a certain extent, and not game breaking. That’s all I truly ask for in microtransacions. You can make the argument that the Ghost Shells increase xp gains, points out nearby chests and all that jazz. Then, I’ll rebuttal by calling you a retard and ask a simple question: “How does differ from other Ghost Shells and how does it give you an unfair advantage in the Crucible?” Basically, the only people who still hates Eververse are unlucky like me, poor/cheap people and conspiracy theorists that think Bungie is intentionally making her stuff look better than the non-microtransaction gear. Stop being poor. Taste is subjective.

Mercury

It’s a very small area that I would’ve forgiven if you could freely explore the Infinite Forest, Past Mercury, and Dark Future Mercury. However, you can’t. You can only replay the story missions and adventures to go to those places. Not to mention there’s only one Lost Sector. There’s enough space for at least three. Mercury was over-hyped. The Infinite Forest was filler. More could’ve been done.

Despite that, the visuals are beautiful as always. Past Mercury gives you a sense of peace and serenity while Dark Future Mercury makes the atmosphere more grim and dire. Also, doing Flashpoints on Mercury doesn’t require to actually do a single Public Event. You just have to kill majors that are running around the map.

The Leviathan Raid Lair

I have not played it yet, but I heard great things about it. It’s a shame that Bungie advertised it as just a shorter version of the current raid with different bosses and mechanics because I had low expectations and now I think I might be in for a great time.

I’ll update more when I can finally play it.

#TwoTokensAndABlue: Public Events were Nerfed

So much with being rewarding. Less xp gains, lower probability getting exotics, and quite frankly more of a reason not drop everything to go do one.

The Current State of Crucible

Crucible is still like listening to music on Spotify without premium: You gotta play until you get the gametype you want or keep backing out until you get the match you want. There are also no signs of old Destiny 1 game modes returning and the current ones being separated. 

At least, we get to tell future Kinderguardians that for a weekend, the Destiny Community was able to play a large game of laser tag and then there’s the return of Mayhem Clash. MC is the only thing making PvP worth play to me.

Armor Ornaments

I’mma just say it: Most of the ornaments makes the armor look ugly and/or are uninspired. Above all, I’m extremely disappointed with Future War Cult’s. All it does is change the color scheme to white and blue. That’s it.

I do like the fact that you can unlock ornaments account wide. For example, unlocking the Crucible Titan Mark ornament unlocks the Crucible Hunter Cloak and Warlock Bond even if you never played on the other characters.

“Heroic” Strikes

Oh boy... Where do I begin? I was very excited about this. A good percentage of my Destiny 1 playtime was shutting my brain off after a long day and running Heroic Strikes if I liked the modifiers. Destiny 2 said, “Why don’t I just take Vanguard Strikes, raise the power level and call it Heroic Strikes? That’s it!” Bungie did say that they will add modifiers, but two things: 1) Why didn’t you just wait? If it’s incomplete why release it now when you could do so later complete? 2) I hope the modifiers aren’t the Destiny 2 Nightfall modifiers. Please God no.

The Vault System is Still a Mess

Imagine every single file on your computer was on your desktop. No folders. Just right there in front of your face. On top of all that, you can only have 200 of those files on your computer before you have to start deleting stuff. That’s where we’re still at. Not to mention you can hold up to 50 different shaders on your person, yet Bungie decides to make more than 50 unique shaders. It gets better: Duplicate Dawning shaders will sort into separate stacks depending on where they were received from. Dawning shaders received through Eververse will fall into one stack, and shaders earned through activity rewards will be sorted into another. This is not a bug and was intentional. On top of all this: no increased vault space, shader kiosk, or mass deletion option.

Prestige Mode Locked by CoO-Paywall

It seems like the less you invest in Destiny 2 (monetary-wise and in playtime), the more your opinion matters somehow in comparison to actual dedicated fans of the game. The whole issue was that people who didn’t owe the DLC, can’t play the 330 version of the Nightfall & Leviathan Raid due to vanilla players not being able to reach the new level cap. Trials of the Nine was also blocked. Note: Normal Mode was bumped up for both the Nightfall and Raid so you can still reach 305 playing those. Trials ALWAYS required people to have the latest DLC and patches. Hell, Nightfalls got the same treatment in Destiny 1, and mind you, there was only one difficulty. The only people that were angry were the disgruntled Destiny 2 players who stopped playing a long time ago and/or already owns the DLC. Trust me, if you’re a hardcore fan of Destiny or remotely likes it, you would’ve made arrangements to get the DLC.  Don’t come at me with that “I love the game, but have no money” bullshit. This was all a case of “What if my friend buys Destiny 2 and I can’t play with him/her?!” Um... tell them to buy the game used/on sale and the DLC? Maybe you could buy it for them so you can play with them? Gee, this is a difficult situation I’ve never been in.

Trust me, no one who hasn’t bought Destiny 2 at this point won’t buy it because of all of the ruckus this community is making. Due to Bungie getting cuck’d by a bunch of poor people who don’t even play their game anymore that complained about a theoretical situation, the first Faction Rally of Season 2 was postponed to I assume (I hope) at the beginning of 2018. 

Quality of Life Updates Frequency

I remember a time Bungie was constantly adjusting things like the economy and user interface on top of tuning weapons and subclasses, squashing bugs and things of that nature. Destiny 2 received its first Quality of Life update in December on the day of this DLC’s release. Yeah, Bungie fixed stuff here and there between vanilla Destiny 2 and Curse of Osiris releases, but there was the over abundance of legendary shards some people had to deal with, shitty RNG not giving people what they want, etc. that was just improved. The difference between patches and QoL updates to me is one fix problems and the other improves on what was working fine but can be frustrating. There is less of the latter.

The State of the Destiny Community

Everything that I’ve stated thus far is forgivable. However, Destiny 2′s state of being the target of hit pieces of gaming media and butthurt “fan” backlash is 10% Bungie being reactive, 10% Bungie making dumbass decisions, 80% self-proclaimed fans having buyer’s remorse. Destiny 1 was considered an abomination of game around this time last year for whatever dumb reason people came up with. Destiny 1 was shitted on repeatedly. Now all of a sudden, people love and miss Destiny 1 so much. It was the community’s constant bitching that made Destiny 2 the way it is. Bungie had to find a way to not repeat Destiny 1, but guess what... people flipped flopped. Ask any Destiny fan how they felt about Destiny 1, I guarantee all will praise it, but half of them were singing a different tune last year. Destiny 2 and Curse of Osiris is the community’s fault. Bungie had some part in the blame, but: 1) Me and every other non-Bungie employee don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors at the studio in Redmond, WA. 2) If anything, blame the leadership at Bungie. Why are you getting mad some artist or sound engineer. They don’t program the game or have authority to do whatever they want to the final product if it’s outside of their department.

We are the point where people constantly complaining about bullshit like optional microtransactions and plays other games are considered “concerned fans.” Meanwhile, people like me who are objective, still actively plays the game despite it’s current state, and can compliment game when something is done right gets accused of being on Bungie’s payroll. The toxicity of this community reached heights I never thought possible and it makes me cringe to be an actual fan sometimes. Not to say I’m an angel, which I’m not, but at least I provide constructive criticism to Bungie and lash out at little Jimmy who claims to hate the game so much. I’m against people who insist upon passing on their misery onto other people who are actually enjoying the game. I’ve looked on GameStop’s app and Destiny 2 is worth between $12-18. I can recommend better games for that price. If you have Destiny 2 on disc and are that dissatisfied with it, I challenge you to sell it. If you have it digitally, I’m sure you can get a full refund somehow. I challenge you to get that refund. A reasonable adult, tries to get their money back and move on. If you don’t at least try, you’re full shit.

Bungie’s only unforgivable sin is giving birth to a community of entitled ingrates.

Final Verdict: 7.75/10

This could’ve been better and it could get better in 2018. However, out of the gate... it does not live up to the hype.

[dontcallmecarrie]

Fic Idea: Welcome To The Family

[In Which Natasha Is A Better Friend]

Warnings: Natasha Romanov’s background and POV [which…yeah, be careful because child soldiers are the least of it; plus a different take on what Graduation consists of], canon-typical violence, mental health issues [hi, Tony’s PTSD and Co.], loss of trust, probably OOC in some places, gradual canon divergence [wow isn’t that familiar], not Steve friendly, not Wanda friendly, closer-to-Skynet-than-is-comfortable!JARVIS, dubious morality, some pretty unhealthy things in general [childhoods, coping mechanisms, etc], mercy-killing [mentioned as a past thing, rather brief but in the context of Natasha’s Graduation]

Main changes here from canon: Natasha’s characterization [as in, it doesn’t change on the turn of a dime]. Her relationship with Bruce isn’t something I’ll delve into, because guess who can’t write romance to save my life? 

Also, JARVIS lives, because the day I acknowledge his death is pencilled in for never. And in this AU, Zola implied something a bit less specific than he did in canon.

Full thing’s under the cut because you guys know how I roll when it comes to fic ideas [read: very, very, very long outlines]. I’ll get to writing the fic on this sometime in the future, but in the meantime here you go. 

Natasha Romanov was a very dangerous person. In more ways than one.

It came with the ‘was raised as a living weapon during one of the most politically terse times in history’ package, after all, only a complete and utter fool would claim otherwise. And with it, came an appreciation for some things other people might take for granted, like the various applications of duct tape, the lifespan of granola bars, and even more fundamental things. Like trust. 

No, make that especially trust, and faith in humanity in general; just what kind of  childhood did these people have, to just believe someone’s word? To take a known assassin and just…extend their hand like that? [Weird. But strangely adorable, too, there was that.]

…Yeah, years later, and Clint Barton is still very baffling.

Point is, Natasha’s…unique background meant she had a perspective very few people ever got. The Stark Industries/Natalie Rushman mess meant she got a front-row seat as to the show Tony Stark put up. And that was what it was; a front, she knew. [Like knew like, after all.]

The entire fiasco had also been a case of “I know” and “you know I know” and “you know I know you know”, because Stark Industries apparently had a very unique stance on corporate espionage, and SHIELD hadn’t been very subtle in their attempts to get her in. 

The “Iron Man yes, Tony Stark not recommended” bit was a convoluted snarl of politics and dynamics and if Natasha hadn’t been born and raised in this, and if Tony hadn’t been a genius with Maria Stark and Peggy Carter as role models, he might’ve missed some of the nuances in what went unsaid. As it was, neither Fury nor Natasha missed the laughter in his voice, when he’d gotten to that bit.

 Natasha didn’t blame him; years in, and she still didn’t get why SHIELD loved melodrama so much.

But it wasn’t until the Avengers assembled, that her observations started paying off. Clint’s being compromised had been jarring, to be sure, and none of her training had ever covered huge green monsters, but Natasha had done her best to roll with it. 

If anything, Tony’s presence had been a comfort; yes, he was a pain in the ass, but he was familiar, an ally, and tended to come with a side of explosions and breakthroughs. The man was a force of nature, and Natasha sometimes wondered how things might’ve gone if he’d been born to anyone else, or anywhere else…then again, that sounded like nightmare fuel, never mind. [Don’t imagine him as a trainer in the Red Room, don’t imagine him as an enemy operative—no.]

Steve Rogers might have been an icon, might have been a bastion of principles and what it meant to be American—but Natasha was Russian, and she’d known to see past the propaganda to see the dazed and confused man who was still learning how to pick up the pieces when his world turned to ash.

He looked like he needed a friend. [Which…huh. There’s an idea.]

New York had been…interesting, to say the least. But it wasn’t until later, until Tony set about with cleanup after the invasion was over, that their friendship really kicked off. 

It helped, that they were very similar to each other; Clint might have noticed, if he wasn’t busy trying to piece himself back together, but as it was Tony tossed her a business card and sauntered away with Dr. Banner in tow, with a faux-careless “keep in touch if you want, Pepper wanted to talk to you about going out for drinks sometime” over his shoulder.

But Natasha had noticed the guarded look in his eyes, even if nobody else did, and she knew, without a word being said, that, despite all his trust issues [which she’d only glimpsed during her stint at SI, but had seen enough of to know it was a beast], this was Tony making an attempt to reach out.

Well…it’d be rude not to, after that, right?

And…Tony looked like he could use a friend, too. Not to knock Happy or Pepper, but this was something few could relate to, trying to atone for past sins [and failing miserably], plus the ‘hey we fought aliens together that one time, now what?’ thing. 

So, Natasha did what she could, to keep in touch. It was very off-again-on-again, because of missions and general work-related issues, but she managed. Things were rather rocky and awkward at first, but enough late-night phone calls thanks to time differences and downtime and boring stakeouts meant a very convoluted friendship soon bloomed. 

Which…Natasha couldn’t quite wrap her head around it, actually. The man had trust issues and one of the most full-blown cases of PTSD she’d ever seen, and yet he somehow mustered up the strength and kindness to reach out and befriend the person who literally stabbed him in the neck?! 

What even.

Tony Stark was added to Natasha’s “Weirdest Humans Ever Met But Would Gladly Murder For” list, because of that. It wasn’t very long, there were only three names, now, because Clint’s wife was just as baffling as he was.

Time passed, and while work at SHIELD meant that Natasha’s social life was 85% work-related [counting Clint and Steve], the other 15% had Natasha glued to her phone while keeping tabs on Tony and Pepper and JARVIS. [Which…she hadn’t known the AI was so sophisticated, before. Actually, she’d be surprised if anyone outside Tony’s inner circle knew, and treasured the show of trust like the rare thing it was.] 

Time passed, and Natasha was feeling pretty good about everything; work was going well, Steve seemed to be settling in and making good progress in moving on [now if only he’d let her help him get a date], Clint and his wife were expecting their first baby and had asked her to be a godmother, and though Tony was having a hard time, he looked like he had things well in hand [and she couldn’t exactly visit him while in the middle of an op in Vanuatu]. 

So, of course, Murphy’s Law struck with a vengeance. 

HYDRA hit with all the force of a sledgehammer, and the Winter Soldier had rattled Natasha badly. If she’d trusted her [SHIELD-issued, when’d she gotten so complacent, dammit?!] phone, she would’ve called Tony for help, but as it was she didn’t doubt someone was monitoring his communications, since doubtlessly someone up the chain had noticed his friendship with the Level 7 Special Agent. 

The reveal that the Nazis weren’t as gone as the world had hoped, that she’d been working for them, that her efforts to atone for all the red in her ledger had been for nothing, tasted like ash. It was a cold, bitter realization, and Natasha couldn’t imagine how Steve must be feeling. She, at least, had practice with this, after all: with realizing that everything and everyone she’d been surrounded with was an enemy agent, with the feeling of nothing was safe, not when empires crumbled and regimes turned to ash. 

Steve really hadn’t taken it well. 

In retrospect, she should’ve seen it coming, really. 

But Natasha carried on. Though…Zola had mentioned something, back at the bunker, and what he’d implied had left her feeling cold.

And…Tony needed to know. 

Natasha had heard him talking about his parents, once, when he’d been running on two carafes of coffee and not much else, mid-way through his 27-hour-long engineering binge, and the mention of how much of an ass Howard had been had stuck with her, nearly as much as how much he’d clearly cared for his mother. 

Natasha might not have have the kindest of childhoods [ha-understatement of the decade], but she did her best to be as supportive as possible, even if she went ‘that sounds fake but okay’ to what others claimed were normal childhoods [jury was still out in regards to Tony’s mentions of having built a bomb before puberty, though, no matter how relatable that experience was].

Steve must’ve told him, though, right? Because he might have been understandably hyperfocused on Bucky, there was no way he’d missed HYDRA’s hand in the death of Howard Stark. And though Steve and Tony might’ve had their differences, there was absolutely no way the man Natasha knew would keep something this huge from her other friend. 

Not when Steve’s searching for the Winter Soldier, not when Tony’s moving heaven and earth to clean up after them in DC. Not when the team started to regroup, and work together to take down every last vestige of HYDRA once and for all. Time passes, and things continue in this vein. 

Sokovia’s where the rose-tinted lenses came off.

Ultron caught everyone off-guard, really. Natasha had talked to Tony often enough to know he hadn’t been remotely close to interface, and while the Iron Legion was intimidating, she approved of its various applications. 

And yet the team tried to blame Tony. 

No, strike that, they did blame Tony, and that she hadn’t seen the cracks in the team before Thor nearly snapped his neck [because she’d seen that technique before, in the Red Room, and it had never been in a nonlethal application], she tasted bile in the back of her throat because how had she missed this?!

The Red Witch’s recruitment didn’t exactly help, either. Ignoring the dredging up of memories best left forgotten [Graduation and the mercy-killing of the only childhood friend she’d ever had because she wouldn’t stop screaming and wouldn’t have survived the Serum and remained sane], Natasha recognized the look in Wanda’s eyes. She saw it in the mirror, after all, and was intimately aware of her capabilities, of what it felt like to have nothing left to lose. 

Of how to use people. 

She didn’t get why Steve had recruited her, really; he already had a hard time just adjusting to life in general, why the hell did he invite a viper into the fold?

…again, it was one of those things that were embarrassingly obvious in retrospect.

It was no surprise Tony’d retired, really. Not when the only other friend besides her had flown the coop, not when everyone else had seen him being choked by an ally and hadn’t batted an eye, not when nobody else seemed to care that JARVIS had nearly died. 

But at least they were still friends. 

Even if Wanda threw a contemptuous look her way whenever Natasha’s phone started to play AC/DC [because Tony’s sense of humor knew no bounds and Natasha didn’t have the heart to say no when he’d offered to program in a few ringtones], or Steve frowned when she laughed at a Snapchat from Tony showcasing DUM-E’s latest attempt at a smoothie. [Sure, it was when she should’ve been sparring, but he’d been running late and she’d been bored.]

It’s not until after he retired, that it came up. 

In her defense, Natasha had been busy with cleanup, since depressingly few STRIKE teams had actually been SHIELD rather than HYDRA and she’d been one of the only agents with enough clearance to access the more sensitive areas. 

In one life, Natasha never told Tony, had trusted in Steve’s judgement and called it a day. 

In this life, however, Natasha was a far better friend.

She’d referred to it in passing, because it’d been months since HYDRA’s fall and weeks since Sokovia and cleanup was still being a bitch for both, when she’d caught the look of confusion on his face.

“What?” He’d asked, and Natasha felt ice at the pit of her stomach. 

“Steve didn’t tell you?” She asked, and abruptly realized she didn’t know Captain America nearly as well as she’d though, and that—oh shit. “You don’t know.”

“Know what?” But there was a look of growing suspicion, and…

“You might want to sit down for this, Tony. And call Pepper and James, too. Hey, JARVIS? Gear up, too.” 

Natasha didn’t know how to do this. [Why couldn’t she have had to fight a death squad with her bare hands instead? It was so much easier!] 

But Tony was her friend. He trusted her, and she refused to betray that trust again. 

“Tell me what.”

In this life, Natasha told Tony, of HYDRA’s involvement in murdering his parents.

Tony didn’t take it well, of course. 

[Perfectly understandable, what with having nearly made his peace with Howard’s alcoholism having been what killed his mother.]

Natasha ended up being used as a impromptu teddy bear, while JARVIS immediately made arrangement for Pepper and James’ arrival, because Tony’d need all the support he could get. Even though this was way, way out of her comfort zone, and she didn’t know what the hell one did when a friend started crying, she did what she could to support him, and quietly cursed Steve Rogers and Zola to hell and back for putting her in this situation.

And Tony…Tony lost all respect for Captain America, that day. 

“You know, he said something about teammates not telling him things?” He managed to get out, after the initial shock wore off. [Pepper and Natasha shared a dark look, at that.] “Looks like he didn’t have much room to talk, after all.”

It was no coincidence, that the Compound’s funding got cut, after that. Or that Natasha’s gear was top-of-the-line while everyone else’s barely got the basics of maintenance, afterwards. Or that team dynamics weren’t so much frayed at the seams so much as ‘even existing in the first place’, because Vision had the same sense of humor as JARVIS and Steve seemed to find that off-putting for some reason, and Natasha never let Wanda at her back.

There’s a few different ways this could go from here, of course. 

Maybe Civil War doesn’t even happen, because Tony’s not on the back foot when it comes to all the hurdles life’s throwing at him, not with his friends at his side and JARVIS in his ear. 

Maybe Civil War does happen, except Natasha never lets the super soldier duo go, takes them down instead, and Siberia never happens, and reality and consequences ensue.

If, somehow, someway, Siberia were to happen, however, it wouldn’t go down like it did in canon.

Instead, Tony, having been able to wrap his mind around the ‘HYDRA killed my parents’ reveal with enough time and support to be able to cry about something that happened half a lifetime ago and ever-so-slowly start to heal from the still-raw wounds, would take it differently. 

Here, Tony would still be horrified and shocked by the video of what happened. But here, Tony’s not on the verge of breaking down, isn’t scrambling for a moment of peace, isn’t desperate for a peaceful resolution. Tony’s doing this in memoriam of the man his father had spent decades and millions on, and…

Here, Tony’s furious.

But, having had the warning from Natasha, he takes it differently. The video’s still shocking, of course, and he’s fighting down nausea as he’s hearing his mother’s screams and his father’s desperation, but…here, Tony’s not on the verge of losing it when he turns to Steve.

“You knew.” But here, it’s not tinged with shock, isn’t colored by the hurt of fresh betrayal. Instead, it’s accusatory, it’s wrathful and Tony knew Steve was an ass but this was beyond the pale. 

In one life, Tony might’ve snapped, and lunged after the man who he’d just seen kill his mother. In this life, however, it’s the other supersoldier who gets decked with all the force of a pissed-off Iron Man.

“Son of a bitch, you knew it was him.”

Here, there’s no hurt “He was my friend/So was I”; instead, this might’ve been how it went down:

“He was my friend.”

“And she was my mother.”

But either way, Tony’s not losing it, here. Or, at least, not the way he did in canon. Because, here, JARVIS is a comforting voice in his ear, but he’s also support, and the Iron Legion is at hand to help apprehend these criminals with minimal fuss, so even if he’s repulsed by just how much of a hypocrite Steve turned out to be, he’s not alone in the bunker.

And afterwards, Tony’s not alone either. 

Here, it’s a new future, a new day, and with Pepper, James, Natasha, and JARVIS at his side, Tony’s helping forge a new tomorrow.

Here, Thanos arrives to an Earth with a team of Avengers who have been preparing for his arrival for years, and with all the efficiency that bone-deep trust engenders. 

…there’s so much more I could do with it, of course. 

I haven’t even touched on the shenanigans and puns that ensue when Natasha hears about their newest recruit, meanwhile Spiderman’s leaning back wide-eyed as Natasha takes down a room in less than a minute and tosses a casual “I’ll teach you how, spiders need to stick together” over her shoulder. 

Stephen Strange’s low-key terrified by the women Tony’s surrounded himself with [and resolves to either keep Christine and Pepper as far away as possible, or simply lay low for when they inevitably take over the world through sheer competence], and Hope Pym’s very happy to have someone capable of keeping up with her on the sparring mats. 

James Rhodes, meanwhile, is  sitting back with Vision and watching these dorks and wondering what the hell went wrong with his life choices to lead to movie nights with assassins and sorcerers and teenagers who thought “the new Star Trek movies were awesome” [and thus sparking the movie marathon to teach him otherwise].

Tony, of course, is very relieved to have people he can trust to have his back, and so proceeds along with his plans to take over safeguard the Earth. [Then again, the Accidental World Domination fic’s already in the works, so maybe not.]

Another thing I changed: the Red Room’s Graduation process. 

Not sure what canon’s involves, but here it features their version of the Super Soldier Serum. It’s not graceful, it’s not elegant, it’s pure brute force and painful and only the strongest survive the first 12 hours [and renders the person sterile, because of the drastic changes]. 

The low survival rate is only part of why it’s considered graduation; the other part’s killing the other girls who got dosed with the Red Room Serum, because most of them are halfway out of their minds with agony [and also because the Red Room’s Serum’s effect on sanity is really hit-and-miss, too].

There’s more to this, but cutting it short for now because this is supposed to be the outline only and at this rate the fic’s only going to be a repost of this.

Hammered this out because I’ve got a lot of fix-it/break-it-differently ideas on the brain, and got sick of Natasha’s fluctuating characterization. It also led to my different take on Graduation, because wanting to have kids isn’t exactly every female’s life goals, [hated that scene…I could go on for hours, I s2g] and to consider oneself a monster implies something that goes a lot deeper than that.

[occupyvenus]

The good, the bad, the ugly, the incredibly STUPID and the thin silver lining

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPOILERS FOR LEAKED EPISODE 6 UNDER THE CUT  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU ARE ON MOBILE, APPROACH WITH CAUTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME.  FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME. FUCK ME.

Why didn’t Dickhead & Douchebag just break into my house, take a giant dump in my living room and then ask me to pay for it?  Why don’t Dipshit & Dumbass just put a bullet in my head and end my misery???? WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK

Okay, that’s not really enough, but just to get this out of the way. Let’s start: 

THE GOOD

Finally a dragon died. Only real good thing in the episode. Undead Ice-Dragon is kinda cool, I’ll admit that.

Some of the interactions of the let’s-go-die-beyond-the-wall-like-a-bunch-of-fucking-idiots-squad were funny? - interesting? I guess? 

The differences between Tyrion and the D are getting more profound. He’ll turn on her in season 8. Thank god. Fuck god for saving all the interesting plotlines for later. 

The undead ice bear was pretty sweet as well. 

Jon looking hot in his furs.

THE BAD

“Bad” is too weak a word for all the bullshit that happened. All of that was moved to the “incredibly stupid” section. It can only be used for the things that weren’t on screen: 

No Bran. Couldn’t he simply end this amazingly-fucking-idiotic-piece-of-shit-ooc feud between his sisters? Both Sansa and Arya know about his visions, why isn’t one of them just going to him for some info? But that would make too much sense, so D&D cut Bran from the plot, hoping we are all to stupid to notice. 

No Cersei, no Jaime, no Euron. (Yes, that’s bad. The Cersei-stuff is the only thing that was kinda thrilling this season.)

Plotlines that were completely forgotten: Euron having Yara, Grey Worm and the Unsullied in Casterly Rock, as stated above no Bran, no Theon. Establishing a plot point just to let lie unused for the rest of the season is bad writing.

THE UGLY

Jon didn’t choose to go to Kings Landing. Blondie just put him on a boat while he was knocked out. Not happy about it happening, but at least he didn’t ditch WF for the stupid stupid dragon pit meeting by choice. 

The Wight hunt was as close to filler as you can get in a show like this. Half the episode was Benjen showing up was completely useless, if Jon had just hopped on the dragon with anyone else he wouldn’t have been left behind. No major human character died. (Thoros is not as important as say Tormund). 

BERIC FUCKING DONDARRION TEASING A FUCKING BOSS-FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHT KING ONLY FOR IT NOT TO HAPPEN. LIKE FUCK YOU TOO, BERIC. FUCK YOU.

THE INCREDIBLY STUPID 

I know they are playing loose with the timeline BUT HOW LONG WAS THE SUICIDE SQUAD WAITING FOR THE D IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FROZEN LAKE? A couple of days, right? Gendry getting back to Eastwatch, a raven flying to Dragonstone, the D getting her dragons and flying beyond the Wall. How long did they camp there? 

Speaking of that: If they Army of the dead is close enough to the wall, that Gendry can sprint back there in one go.... Shouldn’t they just breach the wall within the next 24 hours tops? 

How did they fight off the Wights for so long? They only way to kill them is with fire, there is no reason for them to stop moving when cut down with a normal blade. 

Again the story beat with Benjen showing up was so fucking useless. It didn’t accomplish anything (Jon is super dead, btw. The fucker fell into icecold water, he like froze to death. Believe me it happened, even if they didn’t show that. Don’t let the show fool you.) other than killing his character in a completely senseless way. What? There’s no time to get on the horse? Just like there was no time for Jon to get on the fucking dragon?

Fuck, if one of those bright minds would have thought about taking a bow and some dragonglass-arrow heads with them, they could have killed the night king and the rest of the White Walkers right then and there. But no. That would have taken some logical thinking and planning.  

Beric teasing a fucking showdown with the Night King. Yeah Beric tell out

Why can’t they bring Thoros back to Eastwatch when they haven’t even come that far???  I mean what the fuck??? 

Under the assumption that there is no twist involved: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING TO ARYA? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? I don’t really know what else to say about this... 

Rant under the assumption that there is no twist involved: I was this close to throwing up, like I was seriously physically sick over Jon being all “D*ny, My queen, they will if they see you for what you really are” uugggghhhh .... *kotz* so eine elendige scheiße. Fuck. ... 

Please keep reading the next section because those two “plots” are so extremely stupid I can’t believe they are actually really happening the way it seems right now.

THE THIN SILVER LINING

Still not sure if I’m buying Jon’s “feelings” for the D. Nothing we saw from Kit’s performance so far (especially last episode) build up to that. Plus, Tormund reminding him how many people died because of Mance’s stubbornness. Jon didn’t give two shits about the dragons last episode, there is no reason for him to be that heartbroken now. If his targ-blood was supposed to give him an instant connection to those fucking ugly fire-breathing lizards he could have just answered “yes, they are beautiful” last episode. But he didn’t. If he was supposed to be super in love with the D, he could have turned around when leaving. But he didn’t, quite contrary they emphasised that by Jorah turning around. Nothing about Jon so far suggested that he actually has any kind of serious feelings for her. They didn’t write in a single scene where both of them bonded as people.  Jon was still refusing to kneel last episode, the only two things that could have changed his minds: 1. Tormund talking shit about Mance. 2. witnessing how effective the D’s dragons are against the WW.  Still holding out hope for Jon playing her to get her help. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise (though would that stop Dickhead&Douchebag ???) Plus, Beric doubling down on “we are not fighting for a king/queen on a chair, we are fighting for life against death” and Jon doubling down on his former nights watch vows of shielding the realms of men ... makes it hard to believe that Jon would suddenly decide to serve “his queen” .Uuuughhhh..... I can’t believe I had to hear that with my own to ears. Can I sue Dickhead&Douchebag for compensation for my mental and emotional pain?  His behaviour towards the D after waking up, taking her hand, calling her his queen, appearing heartbroken about Viserion’s death, TAKING THE FUCKING BLAME FOR THIS MISSION WHEN HE ONLY WENT BECAUSE THE D REFUSED TO HELP HIM BEFORE, praising her, etc is so over the top, standing in such a vast contrast to his behaviour the previous episodes, it’s hard to take it as genuine. It’s so fucking cheesy, I never thought I would ever hear something like that out of Jon's mouth. If they had taken it only a nudge down I might be ready to buy it ... but like this??? I’m crossing my finger that Jon is only saying what the D wants to hear. Why would he call her “D*ny” ??? Seriously why? They never addressed each other on a first-name-basis.  He hasn’t called her anything but “Your Grace” until now. They could have easily written in a scene where the D tells him “you don’t have to call me your grace”, for example after the dragon-petting, to make it more believable. Jon first declines, but now makes good on that offer, going a step farther and calling her by a nickname. This came out of nowhere for Jon (the D had been making hearteyes at him, but the other way around? Naah.), it makes absolutely no sense.  I’ll say it again: Season 7 j0nerys can be described with two words: Obvious and superficial. It smells of red herring, it still does, because other than the hard-core-shippers the audience had no time or reason to actually get emotionally involved in this relationship. There was no “human moment” between them so far, none that didn’t end with their “kneel!” “no,fuck you” dilemma. 

If this amazingly-fucking-stupid-useless-piece-of-shit-ooc starkbowl is a trick to end LF, Sansa doesn’t know about it. Arya is so ooc and insufferable right now, it only makes sense if she (and maybe Bran) came up with this convoluted plan to get one over LF somehow. Why and How I don’t know, but it would be a nice enough twist to justify this giant turd of a plot. Maybe to get LF to feel safe, believing that Sansa has no other choice but to rely on him? Still holding out hope, because Arya just can’t be that stupid (THE LAST THING SHE SAW OF SANSA WAS HER PLEADING FOR THEIR FATHER’S LIFE BEING RESTRAINED BY THE KINGSGUARD AND FAINTING AFTER THEY CUT OFF THEIR FATHER'S HEAD). But all those interactions make me believe that at least Sansa doesn’t know about the plan. I hope, like really hope, that this will be resolved that way. Arya will kill LF next episode, revealing that she was playing LF and Sansa (he’s always following you around, I couldn’t risk him noticing something, I had to leave you in the dark) with a tender, lovely sister moment where apologizes for all the shit she said, saying that she doesn’t hold Sansa responsible for their father's death. I swear to all the goods, if that was just Arya, without a hidden agenda, I’m rooting for her to die on the show (book!Arya would never be like this. never). Her character is dead to me if that really is what she thinks and how she’s feelings. 

To sum this up: The Wight Hunt was the most stupid thing ever. If both Jon and Arya are truly thinking and feeling how they are show to be .... I will lay my two favourite book characters to rest. I want all of them to die. I hope the White Walkers win and kill every single living thing in Westeros. FUck D&D. Seriously, fuck them. You can tell that they only meant to have 7 seasons, but then decided to stretch the last one, write in some senseless, useless bullshit and then cut it in half. 

Unless they are turning a lot of this around in s8, grrm should be given the right to cut of their fucking, incompetent heads for ruining his life’s work.  

There’s probably more, but for now I’ll leave you with this. 

[elizabethrobertajones]

@kajuned replied to your post “Things I immediately love about the cold open of Home: JENNY: Hey,...” I still don't like blaming Lucifer for everything that went wrong in Mary's life and saying her chance to punch him was her getting revenge. Mary's worst enemy wasn't the Devil, it was her guilt. If she thought what she did back then - making the deal - was her worst crime, then forgiving herself was the key to fixing it. Guilt can cause stagnation in one's life, not failing to punch someone just because he was bad or evil. :P

Heya, sorry it took so long to reply to this!

I'm afraid that was another flippant post completely ignoring everything I've ever said about Mary's arc in season 12 for the sake of talking quickly and making another point... (I should stop doing this :P)... 

I think her arc in season 12 was utterly shaped around her guilt and addressed deeply and fairly comprehensively to the point where I don't think they *need* another arc with that much concern about her guilt. Whether she still feels a pang about it whether she can help it or not, for the interpersonal family stuff they brought it to a resolution in 12x22 and used 12x23 to cosmically vindicate her with the AU, basically saying, now we did the interpersonal stuff we can show that cosmically Mary did a good thing/her deal is not a cause for shame or personal regret. So to me it has been addressed enough to move on past that point, and is no longer an ~active~ part of her characterisation, just like I assume Dean's no longer going to yearn for the grenade launcher on screen, and instead will be able to look fondly at it like hell yeah I shot that thing :P

Since Mary's personal part in the deal has been cosmically absolved (whether people feel this arc was enough/went deep enough I'm pretty sure the story considers it done and dusted based on the choices of absolution/immediate reassurance via convoluted AU premise) I was sort of stepping back and looking up and saying, well, anyway, she only made the deal because Azazel made her because Lucifer asked him to find a special child for the whole sake of the cosmic plan and blah blah main plot of 1-5... Since Lucifer is one of the core instigators, Mary getting to meet him and punch him a few times has a nice cathartic feeling for me, even if it's not really an actual revenge or whatever at this point (and narratively I assume if they're going to be trapped together, Dabb will hopefully weave some way for Mary to address the wider cosmic stuff in the AU designed utterly around the meta cosmic stuff to do with the season 1-5 plot, which will ACTUALLY give her a chance for more catharsis/better on-screen revenge or whatever).

So punching Lucifer has nothing to do with her personal arc about guilt, I just kind of love that she did it and I am looking forward to what comes next with that, since she has moved through a lot of important steps when it comes to the guilt arc and I think this is for her now to have moved beyond the insular family stuff which motivated her/blinded her in season 12...

I'm probably consistently going to keep talking about things in terms of "Mary now gets to deal with cosmic guilt and understand it's not her fault" as "got to punch Lucifer in the face" and "confronted her own personal demons of guilt through every part of her season 12 arc and came to a better understanding with her sons about what she did to them" as "hugged it out" and for that matter, stuff like "Dean has achieved an alarming level of self-actualisation and personal understanding of his own life based on his childhood trauma and getting to address it through Mary's neglect and voicing his feelings about John's abuse and her deal and having to parent Sam etc etc" as "got to shoot the grenade launcher"... this blog is helplessly euphemistic because I'm lazy :P

[barbecuedphoenix]

Which chick movie do you think the Eldarya guys would (really, really, in a embarrassing way) love?

This was a fun request. ^u^

It’s just a shame that Idon’t know that many chick-flicks, so I included a few male-POV romances toround this out. I tried my best. :(

So, assuming that the guyswere spirited away to the 20th - 21st century humanrealm, and grew up here watching our movies…

Nevra

Are you kidding? He knows all the chick-flicks! Growing up with akid sister, he used to watch at least one romance a week. (Frankly, this started out as a way to keep her out oftrouble on weekends, but it morphed into a routine once she entered her tweens.Now, they still meet up for movie marathons every few weeks. It’s theirguilty pleasure.)

He is definitely not ashamedof watching chick movies. Their stories generally have more character and heartthan, say, testosterone-pumped action flicks that all guys are ‘supposed’ towatch. Not to mention that women’s movies have a much higher proportion of eye candy because of the female lead’sscreen time…

But the biggest real life benefit?Knowing and liking chick-flicks is a boonwhen a guy is picking up a date. You all wonder why Nevra is so popular withwomen? Blame his sister for training him up on their entertainment.

What he enjoys:

Powerful and ambitious,but flawed heroes with initially zero chance of ‘getting the girl’… and gettheir hearts stomped on at least once. Their common Achilles heel:loneliness.    

Plucky, but innocentheroines who unknowingly hold the power to twist their man’s heart. And ifthey’re smoking-hot on the screen, he’s got another good reason to watch themovie.

Power-games, schemes,and corporate backstabbing shenanigans, where there is no clear dividebetween wrong and right.

Snappy dialogue witha cynical touch

(Crazily) balancing life’s priorities: first sacrificing love on the altar for ambition, power,reputation, etc. And then sacrificing more to get it back.

Redemption andforgiveness for the lead(s).

Personaltransformation in order to get ahead in life, and then again to win or save arelationship. (i.e. rags-to-riches Cinderella themes)

High-budget movieswith A-list actors; he likes qualityentertainment, thank you. He’ll also watch anything with Harrison Ford init.

Favorite ‘chick’ movies:

Sabrina (the1995 remake): This movie embodies everything Nevra loves in a romantic-comedy.He loves the story, the dialogue, and all the actors. But he reallyfeels for the hero Linus (quote from the movie: ‘the world’s only living heartdonor’), who starts off seducing the heroine to save his family’s businessinterests and his brother’s engagement, only to fall in love with her.Then gets the door slammed in his face once the love-of-his-life learns hisreasons and leaves the country. …What? He swears that has never happened to him before.

The Devil Wears Prada (2006): This is more of a laugh-fest for Nevrathan a romance. Keeping your head above water using your wits in NYC, whilescurrying around for an ultra-glamorous, fire-breathing boss with personalissues? Andy isn’t the typical heroine he likes to follow, but he sure wisheshe has an employee like her. But he is nota fire-breathing boss! What are you implying?  

Disney’s Beauty and the Beast(1991): You read that correctly. Whether animated, live-action, or on Broadway,this classic holds a firm place in Nevra’s heart. This is also the one moviehe’s embarrassed to love. He was skeptical first at watching aG-rated movie—Karenn had dragged him to see it when she was a kid–, but he wasthe one who teared up when the Beast released Belle, thus doominghimself to life as a pariah and monster. (His mental dialogue during thatscene: “Of course he had to let her go! He loved her!”. His mental dialoguelater when the lynch mob arrived: “You bastards! Leave him alone! Hasn’t hesuffered enough?!”) Nevra still gets a reaction when Karenn starts humming theBeast’s solo– ‘If I Can’t Love Her’– from the musical.  

Ezarel

Chick-flicks?Ugh! Spare him the torture! There must be other types of brainlessentertainment you can subject him to.

Ezarel won’t be caught deadwatching a romantic-comedy. Not unless it’s a very quirky, nontraditional,indie movie that’s more bittersweet than sentimental, makes fun of its owncharacters, and isn’t exclusively told from the female POV. That way, he’ll sayhe’s watching a screwball comedy instead. (So it has a little romance in it. What movie doesn’t, these days?)    

What he enjoys:

A cast ofcompletely-flawed, borderline obnoxious characters, who rarely get what theydeserve (good or bad).

An underdog leadingman (or woman), who’s the only smart one in the movie and frequently a lonelyoutcast. (He will not tolerate anair-headed protagonist.)

Fast-paced trollingdialogue, non-stop sarcastic humor, and screwball jokes. Pranks are a bonus.  

Realisticrelationships (i.e. with all the ugly baggage, awkwardness, and confusion thathappen in real life).

The constant struggleto overcome distance, misunderstanding, and social obstacles. (i.e. the ideathat people are completely unreliable, and that romance never makes sense.)

Unrequited love andbittersweet endings.  

Breaking movietraditions and the fourth wall. If a movie is serious from start-to-finish, andasks him to suspend disbelief for 90+ minutes, then Ez practically fallsasleep.  

Cult classics. A-Listblockbusters are pretentious, and plain boring.Give him weird animations, weirder stories, and bizarre camera angles anyday. 

Favorite Romantic Comedies:

Annie Hall(1977): Ezarel adores Woody Allen, and this movie is seen as ‘The Romance’ inhis collection. He can watch this film over and again just to catch allthe references and in-jokes. He also turns to this movie for general lessons onhow to cope with relationships. And you all wonder why he’s so salty.

What If (2013):One of the few modern romances with a happy ending that still has Ezarellaughing out of his seat. He knows the friend-zone very well, and how it’seasier (and more dignified) to stay there rather than to try to climb out. He certainly does not hope that what happens to Wallacehappens to him one day. He’ll gladly live life without falling for a friend andgetting punched down the stairs.  

Amelie (2001):He always turns beet-red when someone catches him watching this classic.Because he only watches it for the pranks and the deadpan narration, he swears!All right, so he feels a bit sorry for the quirky outcasts Amelie and Nino too,and he sort of likes the convoluted, pinball-machine way they finally find eachother. It doesn’t mean he enjoys thatlast, sugary scene of them laughing together like idiots on a bike. Tch. You never saw him watch this movie.

Valkyon

He’s quite neutral on romanticcomedies. To him, it’s just another movie genre that doesn’t fall on his listof favorites. Why spend 90+ minutes on a handful of little arguments that can technicallybe resolved in just 15 minutes? He doesn’t get it.

So the only romantic elementthat he can enjoy is if it’s tangled into a greater conflict that heunderstands. Like war, penance, and exile. That’s when it really hits home for him. (This also means that Valkyon is actually the weakest of the three guys for stories about‘true love’, so long as they’re packaged as epic sagas.)  

What he enjoys:

True heroes/heroines,who weather the curve-balls life throws at them without complaining, and try to hold onto their honor despite trying times.

Turbulent, large-scaleconflicts, but where there is still a clear divide between what’s wrong andright on the individual scale. (i.e. war dramas)

Crossing cultures andborders, and adapting to difficult new circumstances.

‘Pure love’ that is more seen and implied than spoken and argued about. And which enduresboth time and distance, despite great forces tearing the couple apart.

Dramatic reunions.

Tragic endings.  

Sweeping landscape shots and vistas. (Really, it’s the best way to immerse the audience in the story.)  

Historical accuracy.The story may be fictional, but it shouldn’t completely abandon reality; otherwise it’s pure fantasy orpropaganda. In the end, the most powerful stories come from real life.

Favorite (romantic) movies:

‘Atonement’ (2007):His favorite romance of all time, hands down. It’s also the most tragic film hehas ever seen. Don’t bother taking him to see the next installment in ‘FiftyShades’; this movie has inoculated Valkyon against all cheery/sexy romanticfilms. Most other romances are just so… pettycompared to what happened between Cecilia and Robbie. Other screen-writers shouldstart putting in more themes of loss in their plots.

‘Zero Motivation’(2014): The only real ‘chick flick’that Valkyon actually likes, because it’s such a spot-on portrayal of the screwylife of military recruits (like the ones he commands). The first time he sawit, he smiled knowingly to himself throughout the whole movie. Because he haspersonally seen all the pranks, the sassing to superior officers, and thebarracks feuds that erupt from boredom, stress, a general refusal to getalong, and well, exactly zero motivation. It’s even funnier to see it up on thesilver screen.    

‘The Last Samurai’(2003): This movie used to be number one on Valkyon’s list… until someone broke it tohim that real samurai are a lot less romantic and used guns by the time theywere disbanded. That’s why he’s embarrassed to admit that he still loves thisfilm. In fact, the ‘armoring’ scene between Capt. Algren and the samurai’swidow he fell for, prior to the suicidal battle, had him squeezing his date’shand very hard in the dark of the movie theater (result: they yelped loudenough to disturb the whole row). Even now, Valkyon firmly believes that thescreenwriter meant for the captain toremain in Japan and find her again after the war.    

Edit: Whoops. Did you just say chick movie? As in, one? Looks like I went overboard again. >_> Nuts.

[elanorellepalimore]

TVD

As The Vampire Diaries comes to an end fairly imminently and I find myself wondering how soon is too soon to call for a newer more book faithful adaptation, I thought I’d vocalise some things I’ve been musing on for a while.

The main girls’ trio: In the books, Elena was the spoilt, privileged blonde. Meredith was the tough, snarky cynic. Bonnie was the sweet, naive empath. In the show, Bonnie is a mix of book Bonnie and book Meredith. Caroline is a mix of book Caroline and book Elena. And Elena is a mix of book Meredith and book Elena. I can’t help feeling that they changed Elena’s personality and look to make her more relatable... which is a bit funny considering show Caroline is ostensibly more popular than show Elena, and she’s much closer to book Elena. I still wish we’d gotten the book Elena/Meredith/Bonnie trio. (Candice would have made a cracking Elena. I would have loved Katerina as Bonnie or Meredith.)

Matt was excellently cast and really well written to begin with. Very close to the books. But he’s been surplus to requirements for a long time and that really is sad. Especially when so many of his plotlines seem to involve treating Caroline poorly???

I’d have cast younger actors for Damon and Stefan, also. Their acting skills can’t be denied (although Ian’s eye thing and overacting has always grated), but the age is important when you’re casting vampires. Come on.

I’ve shipped show Steroline since... fairly close to the beginning, shortly after I went off show Elena, in fact. Considering everything Damon had done to Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, etc. - I could never understand why Elena would even look at him, let alone dump Stefan for him.

It’s also why I could never get 100% behind show Bamon, either, when I loved the idea of them AND Ian/Kat’s chemistry. They never properly addressed the way Damon had treated Caroline, and I have loathed all of their interactions since - and no, a ‘you suck’ and regular victim-blaming jokes don’t count. They had a chance to do a proper redemption arc with Damon, bring him back from a really dark place, but instead they chose to write off a lot of his awful deeds as someone else’s fault, or a symptom of his manpain, or a personality quirk. I could never understand why anyone in his life decided to stick around. And I could never ship Bonnie with her best friend’s abuser.

(Yes, I know that this is a show about supernatural creatures and murder and such, but funnily enough, many other book series and TV series manage to make decent characters out of killers, by writing them properly and with nuance. So miss me with that ‘no one on TVD is innocent!!!’ bullshit. Some of them WERE once, some of them still are. And they were treated terribly by characters that we’re meant to root for. Which is fucked up.)

The end result is that although I loved TVD when it first started and I was a book fan too, it’s moved further and further away from the books as time has gone by, in ways that have diminished my love for the show considerably. I’ll still love it because of who it brought into my life and the first few seasons... but even the emergence of my foremost OTP, Stefan/Caroline, wasn’t enough to entice me back into watching the show weekly. The ever-convoluted plots, the rampant misogyny and racism, the inconsistent fan-service, and the self-satisfied tone of its ‘bad boys’ obsession have left a sour taste in my mouth. I prefer to remember it the way it felt when the pilot came out; we were excited, we were hopeful, we were obsessed with the soundtrack.

[cocoacub9-blog]

PhD lifestyle guilt The Thesis Whisperer



The Thesis Whisperer

Just like the horse whisperer – but with more pages

PhD lifestyle guilt

This post was written by Paula Hanasz who is currently writing a thesis on the geopolitics of water security in South Asia at The ANU. She is enrolled at the Australia National University but currently spends more time on her couch than in her office or the library.

I’m going to take a moment out of my busy study schedule to interrupt yours by telling you about my experiences with PhD Lifestyle Guilt. This is, as the name might suggest, the perennial guilt about having the sort of life where ‘work’ involves sitting around on the couch reading interesting stuff, and getting grants to go to international conferences.

Of course the PhD Lifestyle is not like that for everybody. I’m fortunate enough that, in Australia at least, writing a thesis in the humanities means no coursework. And no coursework means very little reason to be on campus. Ever. The communication with my supervisor usually happens by email, phone or Skype, and I have chosen a research topic that doesn’t require lengthy or convoluted studies or data collection.

“So you’re just basically writing a really, really long essay?” a friend one asked, suspicion and resentment in her eyes.

Yup. I’m just basically writing a really, really long essay. Google Scholar is my friend, and seeing as I can access my university online depository from anywhere, I rarely have to visit the library. Life is easy.

Hence the guilt.

I often downplay how much I’m enjoying the process the PhD because, a year into it, I still can’t believe how good I have it. Others, specifically those working 9-to-5 in a an office for a boss, don’t have it so easy. To assuage my guilt, I fill my days with ‘real’ PhD work. I assiduously note the exact amount of time, down to the quarter hour, I spend each day on strictly PhD-related work. Not reading emails, not reading the news, not even reading the Thesis Whisperer blog; just ‘real’ work. I do this so I can tell anyone who asks exactly why I have been doing with my time. No one has actually asked yet – but you never know right?

I set myself little tasks and sit by my computer until they are completed. I create arbitrary deadlines for producing small chunks of chapters and conference papers – then stress about not meeting them. That constitutes work, doesn’t it? I minimise procrastination with every trick I know. I don’t check emails first thing in the morning, thus avoiding the inevitable vortex of replies-to-replies-to-replies and clicking on links to irrelevant things that seem like they absolutely must be read right this very minute. I don’t allow myself to log in to Twitter before 5pm. And I don’t indulge in reading things that won’t in some way expand my body of knowledge on my thesis topic. But just last night I spent nearly an hour reading an article – an academic, densely referenced, big-word-using article – that was only tangentially related to my own research. So why did I read it so thoroughly? I was actually enjoying it. It was so well written it was a pleasure to read.

Naturally, I then felt guilty.

All this guilt and shame is ridiculous, of course. After all, part of my raison d’être in being a PhD student is the lifestyle. Yup, the lifestyle. Not academic kudos. Not improved job prospects. Not the vanity of putting ‘Dr’ on my future business cards. But the lifestyle.

The flexibility of independent study has allowed me to follow my partner interstate and, frankly, I like having very little structure in my days. I like working evenings and weekends if I want to, and not getting out of bed before 9am. I love taking several hours out in the middle of the day to go for a swim, or ride my bike around nearby bushland, or a long run in preparation for an upcoming half-marathon. I love being able to watch Bollywood films and documentaries on India (the geographical focus of my thesis) and chalk it up as research. And I love that my office chair is actually my sofa, and that my desk is really a coffee table.

Unlike many people, I much prefer working from home than in an office – I don’t have to commute and I don’t get caught up in the office politics or the constant distractions of phone ringing, people knocking on doors, having to chit-chat with colleagues, etc. Sure, there’s distractions in the home too – those dishes in the kitchen sink aren’t just going to wash themselves! But at least these distractions are of my own creation. https://writing-dissertations.com have no-one but myself to blame if I cave into the temptation of spontaneously vacuuming an already clean floor just because it seems easier right now than reading through a stack of articles on hydro-hegemony in the Hindu-Kush-Himalaya region. Ah, so begins the cycle of guilt!

A friend of mine recently completed her PhD on a topic very similar to mine, which she did in a lifestyle very similar to mine. And you know how many hours a day she averaged on ‘solid’ work?

Three. Monday to Friday. Three hours a day.

A quick glance at my conscientiously kept spreadsheet of hours worked since enrolment tells me I am well on track if I take my friend’s example as a standard.

So why do I still feel guilty about having spent half a Saturday writing this blog for you?

Thanks Paula – I must say it’s refreshing to read such an honest account of the pleasures of PhD study! Do you indulge a PhD lifestyle? Does it make you feel guilty? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.