#and being the one at fault BECAUSE im disabled

[catfishofoldin99colours]

I had the most horrendous afternoon and all I want to do is play Minecraft and watch my silly little videos but I can't do that because my fucking laptop is broken

[catwouthats]

Me realizing that hospital visits and diagnoses can prevent me from doing things like getting hired and adopting kids almost as much as jail/prison visits would

[comfycozycrossfox]

.

the general opinion i have on mobility devices/tools is that if you want one you should just get one and there isnt like, a threshold to where youre ALLOWED to get a cane or whatever

the exception, of course, being ✨myself✨

[simptasia]

mum and i were almost not able to buy our house because a real estate lawyer heard us casually say i'm autistic and alarm bells went off in her head, because she believed that meant i wasn't mentally capable of understanding what i was signing up for

[todayisafridaynight]

So I’ve asked this before, but it didn’t get answered (at least I don’t think) and I think the problem was the wording so I’ll ask it like this. Who’s more deplorable Jo or Ryo, the father or the son, chairmen or Governor?

oh piss sorry tumblr mighta eaten it the first time :( but uhhhh cant go wrong with saying a politician’s more evil right 💀💀

[chrisevansonly]

𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐜

✯social media au

✯what’s better than marrying your fiancée and then surprising the world?

✯another charles because i can’t help it lol

y/n’sinsta added to their story!

comments

my favs are in lake como 😍😍

DO I SMELL WEDDING VIBES?!

i wonder what the two love birds are doing in lake como….

best vacation spot ever!!!

y/nleclerc

liked by charles_leclerc, vogueitalia, francisca.cgomes and 5M others

pour toujours me semble parfait, je t'aime sans fin♥️

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username I KNEW IT I KNEW IT😭😭

username look at them!!! IM SCREAMING

username y/n looks so beautiful 🥹

francisca.cgomes the most perfect weekend and wedding ever love you both so much ❤️❤️

>pierregasly was perfect until you ditched me on the dance floor..

>y/nleclerc not my fault you suck at dancing frenchy😗

username AHAHA PIERRE

arthurleclerc so happy for you both❤️

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charles_leclerc je t’aime tellement chérie, so grateful to have you as my wife❤️❤️

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charles_leclerc

liked by y/nleclerc, apmmonaco, carlossainz55 and 6M others

I am the luckiest man alive to call you my wife, y/n you are nothing short of brilliant, beautiful and kind. you brought so much light and love into my life at a time i needed it most. you are the sun to my moon, the stars to my sky, and the answer to all of my questions and prayers. there is no one else who is so perfect for me, and I’ll continue to love you for as long as i can. thank you for for being my best friend, my partner and now my wife.

je t’aime tellement chérie, tu as tout mon cœur♥️

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username i couldn’t even make it through the caption without crying😭

username charles being the biggest sap for y/n😭

landonorris mate…cmon now

>carlossainz55 i’m crying too dw

>alexalbon 🥹🥹🥹

username I CANNOT

landonorris so pick me, choose me!

>y/nleclerc pop off meredith grey

lilyhme omfg😭😭

>y/nleclerc i know 😭

y/nleclerc charles i love you so much, you have my whole heart and soul forever. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i’m so grateful and thankful i get to call you my husband. thank you for making me cry all weekend, je t’aime, je t’aime, je t’aime…

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>charles_leclerc♥️♥️

y/nleclerc

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little details from the best day of my life ♥️

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username omg the custom lace?!

username the way it says ‘hot wives club’

carmenmmundt everything was so stunning 🤍🤍

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username this weekend looked like a dream!!

charles_leclerc let’s do it all over again amour ♥️

>y/nleclerc same time next weekend?

>landonorris I CANT CRY AGAIN NO

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y/nleclerc

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honeymoon vibes only, sorry for not answering our phones, we’ve been busy😁

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username HAHAHA BABY LECLERC INCOMING

>y/nleclerc @/charles_leclerc 😁😁😁

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username y/n dropping hints to charles already😭

username my favs!!

username greece looks so good on charles

danielriccardo there are kids on this app…

>y/nleclerc don’t worry lando’s not here 😌

>landonorris HEY!

>landonorris for the record i am scarred for life

>charles_leclerc good.

username poor lando💀💀

[shawshankshadow]

i ramble about sxsg and disability metaphors and talk a little bit about love 👇🏼

first of all i’m high. so if this is incomprehensible hot garbage you know why. im fighting for my life trying to string words together

ithink a lot of what’s at the core of shadow gen is the theme of “accepting it in all its bittersweetness”. like - shadow going from hating himself for his alien dna to shadow learning how to be okay with it, acknowledging it while refusing to let it take away his autonomy and personhood. shadow going from blaming himself for maria’s death, wishing with all his heart that he could go back and “fix his mistake”, to respecting maria’s request to leave the timeline unaltered, transforming her death from being a result of his “failure” to being a result of him respecting her autonomy, even though it killed him to do it. being able to accept that her death was something he needed to allow “to exist” - both in the timeline and in his own internal reality - without pretending like he wasn’t shattered over it feeling like he was bad for not having prevented it. like “yeah this is kind of hard but i gotta let myself grieve and still live my life without forever chasing the impossible. life is still worth living, and i still deserve to live and be happy.”

and it makes me think of maria and her nids diagnosis, and how the brevity of her lifespan wasn’t a markdown on the value her life - she obviously still deserved love and life and joy and friendship, and she (shadow) wasn’t a “thing” to be socially othered because of these involuntary realities (maria’s genetic condition, shadow’s “disgusting” alien heritage).

with the black arms dna, we get a story about shadow accepting his body and heritage for what it is and finally letting go of the anger and self-hatred over the fact that this is his genetic makeup.

with his acceptance of her death - he goes from hating himself for not saving her, to consciously letting void!maria return to the timestream despite knowing she was going to dje, after which point he “returns to reality” (WHEW!!)

if you want to, you can parallel maria with shadow, and her nids to both his black arms dna and her death. following the parallels through, we could conceivably get a (extremely faint, not really even implied) disability acceptance story arc for maria, where she starts out seeing her diagnosis as this horrible curse, this disgusting thing that must be cured, that’s taking away her bodily autonomy - to accepting it and allowing herself to fight for happiness and acknowledge that she has worth and value despite everybody around her telling her she’s a walking tragedy. like, allowing herself to exist as something more than just a “person who needs to be saved” - (maybe, allowing herself to think that SHE can the one doing the saving? HMMMMMM?). we could get a maria who lets herself disengage from the constant daydreaming of “life will be great - but only once im cured!” to “life can be great now. i deserve to have a great life, and my disability isn’t mutually exclusive with that.” we could get a maria that accepts that she has nids (shadow accepting the reality of her death) (his alien dna) while allowing herself to grieve the nondisabled life she thought she was going to have (shadow grieving her, always) and allowing that grief to co-occur alongside her worth as a person, her deservedness of being alive and celebrated as she is (his genes don’t change that he deserves to be alive and happy and free of shame) (her death wasn’t his fault, and the ending of her life doesn’t mean he needs to stop living his) to her accepting that she had this disability and it doesn’t make her monstrous or less worthy of life, it doesn’t make her “wrong” (there isn’t a “right” way to exist, his dna doesn’t make him a monster) (grieving her and living a happy life aren’t antithetical to each other, he’s still allowed to proceed with life without pretending like he’s over it)

there’s a long history of disability being used as grounds to devalue, ostracize, pathologize, and infringe upon the autonomy of disabled bodyminds. disabilities are shunned as “pitiful”, or “unfortunate”, or “bad”. sometimes the presence of disabilities is seen as indicative of a person’s wickedness, as if the presence of disability is somehow a clue into the inherent goodness or badness of a person’s soul. disability is seen as antithetical to happiness, and disabled bodyminds are told that the only way to “properly” exist as a disabled person is to be miserable and full of self-loathing. certain disabilities have historically been described with words like “monster” and “freak” - an abomination that never should have been. like, it seems cartoonishly hyperbolic ableism, but this is legit the history of the rhetoric surrounding disability discourse, at least in the western cultural world. disability has historically been talked about like it somehow makes you less of a person. it’s why the disability pride community exists- it’s a deep, powerfully rich collection of bodyminds that routinely organize to fight this very thing. it’s a long tradition of people saying “yeah my life is one of disability - and also my life has value. i deserve love, despite what this ableist world thinks. i deserve all of me to be celebrated, including my disability, because it’s an important part of my life”

and. idk. i think about maria and her nids. and a potential story where she goes, if it weren’t for my diagnosis, i would have never met shadow, gotten to have this friendship, gotten to have this experience. a lot of this sucks, but i wouldn’t change it. i’d keep it as is, tough parts included. i can let go of the anger, of railing against this being my reality - im allowed to have friends and be loved and be happy. i dont have to crystallize my existence around mourning. it doesn’t make me bad or a monster or pathetic. it just is.

like, i wonder if she, as a little 12 year old girl growing up in the 1950s, as a “sick child” isolated on a space station miles away from everyone she loved, ever raged against her diagnosis. ever struggled with it. i wonder if maria, also, had to reckon with her bodily reality, and fought to accept its hard parts without pretending that there weren’t some beautiful and wonderful parts because of it. like if she had to learn how to love herself without viewing her disability as inherently bad.

i wonder if shadow ever realized that his rage was just grief, and his grief was just love, and to let go of his rage, was to acknowledge his grief and return to the terrifying wonder of letting himself love, instead of closing himself off and shutting everyone out. i wonder if shadow lets himself have - if he acknowledges that he wants and loves - his friends, instead of denying it up and down and sourly rejecting any threat of connection.

[muzzleoleum]

okay, this is going to be more of a serious post about growing up disabled and in an abusive household, if that's triggering please click off :))!! but i feel like it's not an uncommon experience and i would like to open up the floor for anyone else to share as well :))

i think one of the hardest things growing up in an abusive household and being disabled was that i didn't really have the option to seek out a diagnosis before i was around 16, I was already disabled, by the legal definition, and I already had multiple diagnoses before 16 because of check ups that showed there was something very physically wrong with me. But I have only recently been able to seek out an accurate ehlers danlos diagnosis after being diagnosed with hEDS and not having genetic testing done a few years ago. I used to feel so guilty about being impaired in pretty much every aspect of my life, due to disability, and my parents definitely made that worse. I've been clinically malnourished for my entire teenage life, but doctors didn't go any further because my parents didn't want to seek out treatment for me, despite doctors telling them they should. Now I am an adult and I can make my own medical decisions but i think the intersection of being very physically disabled and growing up in an abusive household is one that should be talked about. The only medical treatment that was given to me was when I was close to dying and it wasn't in my parents hands anymore, and while my mother didn't stop treatments from happening when I was younger she never actively sought out anything, and would only do enough so doctors felt i was safe to go home. Most of my family is disabled, so I do not think it is necessarily an ableism thing, but I definitely think the fact that i was already being abused and not cared for well played into not being able to get good or quality treatment. My family that I have a good relationship with don't know how i'm still alive because i've been close to dying from malnutrition and i've had a nasal tube twice (im getting another one and then a surgical tube now because of my inability to eat and absorb nutrients). I am young, my life has just started, and even though i am still not in a great situation, understanding it was not my fault and that it was the fault of my caregivers that i've been suffering so long has helped tremendously, and especially with trauma. Doctors did notice, many many times, I've been physically and developmentally disabled my whole life, but it just took a little longer to know what the specifics were. To no fault of mine but it is something i have to deal with.

To be fair, doctors were not great either sometimes, but all of the recognized there was something severely wrong. I have a good treatment team now though.

Anyways, I wanted to share a little of my story. But yeah :)

[sharpedgedfool]

This turned into a huge amount of words my bad, im on mobile and can't figure out how to do the read more bit sorry yall

But I have a huge hc that shadow can't see screens the same cause his eyes work differently and he doesn't have the rgb colour cone things that most mobians have

He doesn't do well at video games or with computers and it frustrated him cause he blamed himself for not being able to process the visual information fast enough, but eventually Rouge realises he's struggling with basic stuff like reading things on a screen and without the competitivness he admits he can't see things properly but he sees words fine on paper, so he knows its screen related

After a while they get their hands on colour correcting glasses for him that work with his alien eyes and he's absolutely gutted that he'd spent so much time blaming himself

One of the first things he lets himself open up to Rouge and Omega about and it sorta opens the floodgates of 'what else have I been getting angry at myself for something out of my control' and he begins to work through the internalised shit that was put in his head during the ARK where he was supposed to be 'perfect' so he assumed that it was his own fault if he wasn't able to do something and he just 'wasn't trying hard enough'

But he's has so many things that he's repressed or hidden just because they didn't fit this narrative of 'perfection' set up by people who were narrow-minded to begin with and he struggles with letting himself just exist with these 'flaws' cause it was drilled into him so much that he wasn't supposed to be anything less than perfect or otherwise he's a failed experiment.

(projecting hard here lmao) but the concept of the 'ultimate lifeform' being disabled and beyond social norms while still being fully worthy of that title, and reaching full acceptance of themselves and becoming even more powerful after they let themselves exist above what other people want them to be is a very healing thing to explore, and a very specific type of freedom that i think is important to write for a character that narratively has had very little freedom.

Sonics whole thing is fighting for freedom from Eggman in a physical fight, but Shadow's version of freedom is freeing themselves from expectations and self-doubt, its more of a mental fight.

While Sonic advocates for fairness and equality, Shadows already been treated unfairly and is having to undo a lot of the things that were done to him that now other people are trying to prevent, and theres a sense of grief about that that I think Shadow is a great opportunity to explore that narrative.

[vampirevatican]

Milgram and The Court of Public Opinion.

this analysis will be about milgram's voting system, nuance and a whole lot of my own opinions mixed with eng fandoms translations, theories, and observations.

t1 = trial one / t2 = trial two

mv = music video

vd = video drama

voting and verdicts:

voting forgiven/unforgiven or innocent/guilty from the standards milgram sets for us (including es) isn't enough or easy.

being that milgram is set towards the court of public opinion and judgement can come from:

"sensibility, morality, ethics, legality, preference, taste, or sexual inclination..."

we end up arguing semantics, trying to find specifics in the crimes and making the best judgement possible. although in doing that the only conclusion anyone can come to is innocent when all is considered.

if we were doing it based on guilty and innocent then 5 are guilty, 2 are guilty on technicality and 3 are innocent

just in case you're curious, in guilty to innocent order as i just stated.

haruka, muu, amane, mikoto, kotoko, shido, fuuta, kazui, mahiru and yuno

it'd be over so quickly. but this... is milgram.

nuance/the grey area:

as the undercover song says, can you really judge them?

001. haruka did it for attention. with how he's coded - intellectual disability - and his mother being extremely neglectful after a certain age which prevented the possibility of his growth in intellect (understanding cause and effect/actions and consequences, along with many other things) it's easier to claim he's innocent. even more easier to forgive him due to this and extremely so if looking at it from his view point, albeit flawed. killing = attention = "affection", even if that attention/"affection" is negative it what he wanted. for someone, anyone to acknowledge him. he's innocent/forgiven because of his circumstances but if he's forgiven then he's being told it was his only option, and he was right, when the fault is on his mother.

002. yuno, as for now, doesn't have a reason. ofc in western (american specifically) public opinion or at least those who view abortion as a choice. she's been innocent from the start. this is her autonomy, her choice, even if she's 18. i won't deny she is so young to be doing sex work, or more specifically compensated dating, and yes it may be common in japan but that doesn't take away the age being factored into what she decided to do. it wasn't for money and she has a good home life. with how analytical and cold she can be, im assuming her desire to be loved in this way comes from somewhere and she's become jaded towards actual relationships. opting for the material and superficial. even without pitying her, she'd still be forgiven/innocent since t1.

003. fuuta was only trying to call out liars and scumbags. he is well versed in the court of public opinion, but he has never seen or experienced a result that lead to someone's death. looking at the undercover mv, then we can see he possibly doxxed his victim. if we take a nuanced approach here then we'd be looking at how he feels after the fact. he remembers the victims name, the fear in his eyes in his t1 and t2 mv, his voice drama after the first trial, him not approving of violence as a solution are all evidence of him feeling horrible. if he could go back, if he would've known. sure he did question why he's there instead of the people who actually killed the victim, but he also recognizes that he lead the charge. his innocence/forgiveness comes in the form of recognizing his actions were wrong. him being guilty/unforgiven is the action in itself.

004. muu is a love/attention reason. she's always been adored, admired, and cherished. she's always had her way. she also has never had to face heavy adversity. sure she was a bully, the queen bee, and a drama queen but didn't her school's culture allow her that? infact with us/es forgiving her, in the second trial song she claims as such, she'll always be queen. and for the t1 mv she says, "my 'im sorry' spells aren't working anymore." which leads me to believe that she's cried and apologized so many times that her old friends couldn't believe her. not forgiving her affirms to her that "two wrongs don't make a right" but forgiving her says the opposite to her. if she's to be forgiven/innocent the blame is tossed to the school, not her, but she won't see it that way.

005. shido is a love case, but for family. im thinking son because of a theory i saw, but either way when looking at it with nuance it gets heavier here. is taking from brain dead patients to save someone wrong? are the brain dead really dead? in my opinion yes, but that's the crux of the situation right? same goes for all the other inmates in this court of public opinion. he can be innocent from the view point that brain dead patients are already dead, and forgiven for his motive.

006. mahiru is another love case, romantic, and in a roundabout way she never committed a crime in the first place. from the voice drama and interrogation q&a slips, we find out that she's a sheltered girl and loves/idolizes soap opera and shoujo mangas. from her mv's we see she romanticizes everything, especially with her t1 mv. she's innocent because of not actually committing murder and forgiven because this is her first love, she wouldn't have known that it was toxic and messed up.

007. kazui did it in hopes of a dream, righting a mistake, being free. although he deeply regrets it, although he says he loves his wife? that love is mainly platonic. from his second trial mv, we see that he met her through his job - most likely police officer - so they had some kind of amicable relationship through their job. he only married her out of societal obligation, and noticing she liked him. not to mention in his t1 mv he says he messed up from the beginning. he is innocent because his crime is indirect, and forgiven because being gay isn't a crime and the regret he feels shows he never had negative intentions.

008. amane did it out of obligation. now, listen to me. i know she's literally 12 and was raised in a cult but notice how im stating the motive of each of these as they are from being stated in vd or pure observations from the mv's. now to any grown up it's self defense, but also imagine having gone through the worst hell imaginable all because you did something "wrong" stated by the adults around you. wouldn't the revenge be sweet? justice in its purest form. now take that and double it down with what you were taught. amane is not only forgiven/innocent because she was just a child, but because of the circumstances surrounding the murder.

009. mikoto (miko from here on) did it out of pent up stress an emotions, in turn creating john (koto from here on). miko is innocent without a doubt, and no i am not taking on the theory he actually did it til we get trial three. if koto was supposed to be his protector, and if he was born from a sudden explosion of pent up anger then (at least to me) it makes sense that he reacted the way he did. imagine being a corporate slave - no actually double it down, again, with growing up always trying to keep the peace. miko has a habit of laughing when he's upset. he laughs it off in hopes that things get better, his vd affirms this and even his mv after that. miko's smile that shifts to an extremely tired expression right before koto is born and a mirror shatters, right at the start. an intolerable stress from working so hard he grew grey hairs, cried himself to sleep, and yet continued to work, hold it in, and endure. the fault isn't on him or on koto. it's japan's work culture and the endure it mentality. koto is innocent/forgiven in the sense of motive. miko is innocent/forgiven because he's never killed to begin with.

010. kotoko did it to save the innocent. though she doesn't deal in nuance, much like fuuta. a key difference between the two is kotoko chooses violence because the justice system failed her. infact she's been hunting down the awful criminals of the world so much that she even has a covered bulletin board with pinned strings on it. on top of that, from the interrogation cards, we find out she dropped out of college and she was studying law. she'd be innocent for what she was seeking to do, in the court of public opinion, many would agree that awful people deserve a murderous punishment and she'd be even forgiven with that same reason. the nuance appears when considering the criminal, the crime and the reason. factoring those in then she can easily become guilty and unforgiven in the eyes of many, see the results after t1.

when it's all said and done:

they all had their reason, it all has a reason. who are we to say their crimes weren't just or fair? we're the judge, the jury, the executioner, and warden. in milgram whatever we says goes.

i'd love to see them all innocent, but at the same time do each of them deserve that? are their ideas being affirmed a detriment to them or their saving grace?? will they kill again?? will some of them be able to get the therapy and treatment they desperately need??? will they go back into society with an improved outlook on life or will they remain the same?

ofc i already have who i'd like to see forgiven and have already forgiven them myself, same as you reading this and those in the jpn fandom (where it originates)

anyway. moving forward please vote with this in mind, and check out the audio dramas i beg you all. i hope that there are nuance voters and voters with sympathy but with how amane was guilty in t1, i have a strong feeling it's not gonna end well. but if it does, you'll see me rejoice.

[etherealspacejelly]

i was that kid who could never ask for what i wanted. i was the younger sibling of a disabled older brother, and i internalised the idea that i Must Not be a burden, no matter what. i suppressed my needs, wants and desires, kept them all to myself.

what i always desperately desperately wanted, though, was to meet one of my heroes. any one of them would do, i wasnt fussy. i would see videos of kids being surprised by their favourite celebrity and i would think one day, one day my parents will arrange something like this and it will be the best day of my life. they'll say, "surprise! we're taking you to comic con and you're going to get an autograph from david tennant!".

but that day never came, because i never expressed this desire. to this day my parents have no idea i ever wanted such a thing. they have no idea of the dissapointment i felt at every birthday, every christmas, knowing that it was entirely my fault and i couldnt blame anyone but myself.

but today, i made a decision. i am an adult now, with adult money, and i booked tickets for comic con a while ago. today, just a few hours ago, they announced that Misha Collins would be attending the con, and i Sprinted to the website to check if he still had tickets available. and he did.

in just under a month, i am going to meet and take a photograph with Castiel, one of my favourite characters of all time and a major comfort character of mine. i didnt stop shaking for probably 20 minutes after i clicked purchase. i am making my own dreams come true, for that little kid inside me who never got what they Really wanted more than anything.

surprise kiddo, im taking you on an adventure!

[chuplayswithfire]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

go off anon my inbox is open to your ranting let the rage flow through you [insert palpatine dot gif] but ngl the best thing you can do is just block liberally. block everyone. block left, right, center. do not be merciful. do not hold back. block until the ceiling comes down!!

because like, some of these fans have spent the last 18 months convincing themselves that their little guy was of equal importance to the main characters, the secret third protagonist, and he just got put in a box.

🎶izzy's in a box 🎶izzy's in a box🎶izzy's in a box🎶

izzy was never a hero of this show. he was a villain and then a side character on a rushed arc to redemption for the specific purpose of making him into the kind of man who could apologize to ed for being a shit. but that's hard to swallow for people who were convinced he was always right, so. also let's be honest: they don't give a shit about the other disabled people on this show. a bunch of them were trying to figure out a way for it to be wee john who was killed, and kristian is actually a queer disabled actor. they're just mad it was their little guy who they latched onto.

also yeah like four of the writers are nonbinary people of color, and there's definitely more queer writers on the team, but somehow this was totally the decision of a straight white guy. alright folks come on now to quote your idol pack it in.

gentlebeard's ending is them deciding to give their relationship a go in a more relaxed and sedate environment than the high stress locale of a pirate ship. their friends ARE going to come see them again. just because they don't all live together in the same frat house i mean ship doesn't mean they're suddenly forever alone. also there is nothing comphet about shacking up with your gay lover in a soon to be literal loveshack.

but like you can't expect these folks to care about ed or stede or gentlebeard or anything that doesn't center their white man of choice. the only thing you can do is block because anyone still throwing a fit a week later is simply not worth it.

no need to apologize anon. return to my inbox whenever.

[daedalusdavinci]

22, twobat. heard u were talkin SHIT

22. While someone demeans your lover, standing up for them. Either in word, or by physically placing yourself right in front of them as a protective barrier. im thinking about emotional dysregulation and a strong sense of justice and how bruce is the reason alfred lost all his hair. in the words of karkat vants: anger can be a love language. alksdjnfsldjknfs i am NOT editing this

You get in fights for him. You've been getting in fights since no one gave your parents a chance to, something in you quick to snap and your fists faster than anyone could stop. You don't know how many strings Alfred had to pull to keep you from being suspended in middle school, but you know it was a lot, because he used to pick you up with a sigh written in the lines of his face, white gloves hiding the tension in his hands on the steering wheel. Sometimes he tried to argue with you about it. You never folded, because you were certain you were right.

Your school records are a mud-stained mess of arguing with teachers, getting in between a bigot and a victim, and the crack of your fist against someone else's jaw. You grew up stocky and angry, and you never had a problem taking things outside so someone else didn't have to. You think a part of you still feels like if you take on every fight yourself, no one else will ever have to get hurt. Regardless, it means that the college you get into isn't near as prestigious as everyone expects of you, and you know Alfred had to grease a lot of palms to do it. You think he's hoping maybe you'll keep your head down for a few years, and the intellectual challenge will be enough to keep your fists steady.

But then you meet Harvey, and he's simultaneously everything Alfred wants for you and everything Alfred doesn't.

He's optimistic in a way you aren't, level-headed and determined, but filled with the same drive for justice you are. Unlike you, he got in with scholarships and smarts, and he tells you stories about the kind of lawyer he's going to be one day, and the way Gotham will change. He flips some kind of switch in your brain, and your plan for the future starts to take a slightly different shift, accommodating for a world where you're not the only one who cares. He motivates you. He challenges you. He makes you better, and you think Alfred would like the person you become when you're around him.

At the same time, Harvey's a brown kid struggling with some kind of disability you'd never heard of before you met him, and the privileged fucks around you can smell it. So you get in fights. You're so quick to snap to his defense, putting yourself between them and him because you've never done anything else in your life, and Harvey tells you he's sick of patching you up, because you're bleeding again and he thinks it's his fault and he's trying to make you laugh.

It works. It always works when it's Harvey.

In later years, they'll call him Apollo. He's the handsome white knight who brings light back to Gotham, and he'll find it embarrassing and flattering all at once. You'll tell him you think it's apt, and he'll shove you, laughing like you told him a joke. But in college, he's the sun you orbit your world around, warming you when nothing else will.

The dean calls Alfred after you land a kid in the hospital. He doesn't need hospital treatment, but his friends don't know medicine like you do, and they panicked. He'll be fine. Alfred still calls you, cold, clipped anger in his voice, and you feel like you're eight again, angry and muddy and past the point of reason, the crushing feeling of a meltdown spiraling past what you can handle. Alfred tries hard to be a parent, and he tries to be a butler, and you're his kid and his spoiled charge, and this isn't the first time the two of you haven't nailed the impression of a functional family unit. You fight.

Med students aren't supposed to hurt people. Med students aren't supposed to snap and beat the shit out of other students. Med students aren't supposed to have meltdowns, no matter how crazy the workload is, no matter how much injustice happens in the medical field alone, no matter how much injustice your best friend faces at the hands of people you're supposed to view as mentors. Med students aren't supposed to recognize themselves in the textbooks. The dean is threatening you, and you're supposed to shape up.

In a few days, you still haven't gotten over it. Alfred isn't talking to you, you're not talking to Alfred, and a call from Leslie only makes things worse. You don't go out of your way to pick fights, but you don't need to, because people seem a little afraid to say anything after you sent that kid to the hospital. Harvey tells you it'll blow over with a grim confidence that you take seriously. It sounds too much like he's speaking from experience.

Then, someone makes a comment about your parents. It's not a particularly interesting comment- you've heard much, much worse over the years, and they've lost a lot of their effect. It stings- it's cruel- but you brush it off. You're in enough trouble already, and you've never cared about standing up for yourself the way you do about standing up for others.

Harvey's fist snaps out before you know what's happening.

The kid is flat on his ass, gaping up at you both, and Harvey is brimming with rage. "Shut the fuck up," he says, thick and growling. "You'd be fucking lucky if your parents loved you half as much. They probably only sent you here to get rid of you."

"Harv!" You grab his arm, tugging his attention back to you. You're torn between shock and worry, but worried for him, and what this will mean for him once the stupid kid reports him to the dean. You think for a terrifying moment that he could get expelled, and selfishly, you don't know what you'd do here without him.

You can tell he's furious, but he lets you drag him away, ushering the both of you away from the scene before things can escalate further. You stand in an abandoned stairwell and Harvey's fingers clench and unclench in your sweater as you hold his arms, giving him time to breathe.

"You didn't have to do that," you tell him quietly.

"Shut the fuck up, Bruce," he scoffs. His gaze flickers up to your face, thumb grazing the bottom of a bruise that's purpled in the past few days. You didn't get out of that fight scot-free, but no one ever cares about that. Except Harvey, who always cares. "You don't get to talk to me about when I should or shouldn't stick up for someone."

You don't have anything to say to that. The words all dry up in your throat as you stare at him, caught on the heat of his touch, the soft brown of his lips, and the determination in his face, like he'd do it all over again. You've never met anyone who understood you the way Harvey does, who matched your drive for justice and inspired you so completely. You look at him the way an astronomer looks at the stars, struck by their beauty and complexity- understanding, and yet endlessly wanting to know more, to know everything, to hold something you don't think you ever can. "Okay."

Something pricks embarrassed in his face, eyes shifting away suddenly. You think his cheeks are a little darker, but it's hard to tell.

You'll think about that moment for years. For years, when you hold his face and try to figure out how to tell him all the ways you love him, and when you watch him become the hero you always knew he could be, and when you watch him fall, holding his hand in the hospital and meeting his eyes across a rooftop, you'll think about what it was like to be so young, trying to put words to the way you wanted to press your lips to his. You tell him, once, that you think you're always going to see that little college kid in him, and he laughs at you. His laugh has turned raspy after years of smoking, and the shake of his shoulders makes the chains rattle, but it's the same laugh. "Maybe it's better that way," he says, grinning. "We were two of a kind, back then."

"Three," you correct.

His grin turns a little more sincere, a little more embarrassed. He says his words like a tease, but it's only to lighten the truth. "We thought the sun shined out of your ass."

"That's just the light reflecting off of it," you say, and he laughs again. You still love his laugh.

These days, you fight each other. You don't think it'll ever stop you from loving them both every bit as much as you did then.

[blakbonnet]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising

.'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

posting this as it is cause yeah, it's just annoying at this point ngl

[yeahiwasintheshit]

i watched 'Gummo" last tonight and as i was watching it i vaguely remember why i hadnt seen it before, cause a friend back in college said that its "art school garbage", and as someone who helped a lot of film majors on their films and sat thru A LOT of art school garbage while in school, i didnt need to see that lol. all these years later, watching it now, its certainly more than just art school garbage, but ehhhhh not THAT much more. its very of its time, in that it felt very 90s... and not even in terms of what people are wearing... styles of clothes or whatever, but in the look of the film, like the shaky camera, fast editing, cameras it was shot with... like one scene is in 35mm, another its 8mm, another is video or theyre shooting a tv playing a scene... it felt very mtv music video in that way. but it was of its time, so i dont really fault it that much for that.

i do think there is something there, tho, that elevates it to something more interesting than typical crappy art school garbage. before i started watching it, i tried to think of what i did know about it, and all i could think of was the poster, the kid eating spaghetti, the kid with rabbit ears, chloe, and the girl creepily shaving her eyebrows. and even only knowing that, that pretty much kinda sums up the whole movie. gummo is experimental and non-linear with no real plot. its just kind of a bunch of scenes of these mostly young people in this town... not even sure id say its a character study either, cause there are no arcs to any of them really. it really is just scenes of all these very poor people. id say the dialogue is effective and rings true to these people. like it all felt very naturalistic. but just one scene after another. they could have jumbled up the scenes in almost any order and it wouldnt have mattered.

so at the beginning, the narrator comes on and says that this town, xenia, ohio was hit by a tornado where alot of people died many years earlier, and now these people have been surviving in this desolate town. then we meet the 2 protagonists, and theyre almost immediately about to kill a cat. what doesnt work for me is the director, harmony korine, trying to be shocking. like i get trying to establish how fucked up these kids lives are now, and that them killing small animals for money, and sport, is not a big deal to them, that they dont have morals or conscience, but its sort of the way it was shot and constantly going back to a dead cat, like close-ups of it hanging with its tongue out, it just said to me, "oh look at me, im a shocking young director, look at me, look how punk and shocking i can make this movie". its kinda juvenile and.. yes well... kinda art school-ish.

also its kinda exploitative, just to be shocking. like the 2 main kids go to this guys house to pay for sex with, idk if its his sister or who, but they pay him and one by one they go in, and then you discover the girl who is being prostituted out is a girl with down syndrome, and its almost kinda played as a joke, cause they put some homer simpsons shotgun whore make up on this poor girl. idk... it just feltl like a joke and not real to the scene... not that these horrible people in this town wouldnt take advantage of vulnerable people for their own gain, but idk, its the way it was shot, and almost the reveal of the fact that she was someone with disabilities, was a joke or exploitative or something. like i dont think id be opposed to using someone with downs in a scene like this JUST BECAUSE they have downs, but just the way THEY filmed THIS scene or edited or presented did not work for me. all it said was "wow look its downs syndrome girl" and nothing more than that.

what did work is that most of movie felt very real, almost documentary in how it captured these people, and also just how viscerally gross looking everything looked. like really truly disgusting. all these people are wearing rags, and have greasy hair and sweaty faces and the houses are in shambles, some like clearly hoarder houses. the one scene that was prob the grossest for me, (and it wasnt the scene of the kid eating spaghetti in the bathtub, cause eventho i think that scene is synonymous with the movie, the bathtub water was like fake dirty looking or something. it looked like it was colored greenish brown, and it just really didnt feel as real as the rest of the sets in the movie. like as im watching i was thinking did they dye the water with a green brown dye? it was sort of jarring and kinda took me out of the scene a bit.) but actually the one scene that really felt like it was an encapsulation of the whole movie, was (in the gif above) of this little boy, maybe 5-6-7 yrs old and hes barefoot in this disgusting, clearly hoarder house standing on this pile of garbage, and hes next to a wall and jiggles like a painting or framed art on the wall and you just see this one cockroach just scurry out along the wall, but then right next to it is a framed photo of this family all sitting together in like a sears portrait, but the kid grabs the photo off the wall and you just see dozens of cockroaches just all scurrying off into all different directions, and i felt a little queasy. it was kind of the most real scene in the whole movie. the kid then climbs down off the pile and you see the 2 young protagonists on the couch sitting next to a girl and all 3 are huffing glue out of a paper bag, and this young child just crawls into the arms of the girl, and you kinda get the impression shes maybe his mom? all of it is so depressing and gross. then the camera zooms in as the young boy is laying on this girl huffing from the bag, and you see an extreme close up of the boys legs and they are bitten up by bugs. like i dont know if that was makeup or if that was real real, but damn if it didnt really look real, and you felt sad for this kid, kinda sick to your stomach. it was truly maybe the most real and disgusting scene in the whole movie.

for me, that scene of the kid and cockroaches really WAS the whole point of the movie. the mess this house was in was like the aftermath of the tornado, just a complete disaster. the happy photo on the wall was all the families before the tornado, and the roaches scurrying are what was left of these poor people in this town, scared of the light and running around in all directions. idk if harmony korine planned this, but this scene in particular, out of everything seemed to sum up everything the movie was trying to say. it was gross and heartbreaking and you feel bad these people are still living this way so many years after the destruction the tornado left.

the one other kinda complimentary thought i had about how the movie was presented, was i thought the parallel of movie being just a bunch of jumbled scenes of this town that hasnt recovered from the tornado, and the tornado itself being this destructive force that jumbled up the whole town, idk maybe some kind of parallel between those 2 thing kinda worked some. not really a fully put together thought, but something i thought of.

overall it was a compelling watch, i didnt really get bored of these weird people, some scenes may have gone on a little longer than necessary, but for the most part i was always interested in seeing where it was going next. theres some highly uncomfortable scenes, some worked and some didnt. the actors were fine, you can tell some were professional and some the director prob just found, but for the most part no one stuck out as inauthentic to where the movie was set. there was also a lot of shaky cam which a couple times i had to look away cause it was making me feel dizzy. but the movie looked pretty good, naturalistic for the most part, that felt appropriate for the scenes. i never picked up my phone, so i was never bored. not sure if id watch again, but maybe. i didnt love it, i didnt hate it. its kinda hard to say i didnt feel anything for it, cause it was shocking and gross and disgusting in many parts, but it kinda felt like it was shocking for shocking sake, with no real reason other than "look at me i made a shocking movie". worth watching i suppose if something like this sounds like something youd maybe appreciate.

[writers-get-biters]

sooooo tired of feeling bad and shitty and stuck and miserable

fuck my relationship ocd i hate it so much and also fuck being forced to do stuff i dont want by people i dont want to be with sometimes (like now )they get into some sort of fucked up loop where i feel miserable because of stuff in my brain and then theres external stuff which also fucks it up more so then my disabilities become more disabling because obviously and then i get blamed and hurt more externally because of my disabilities that are not! my! fault! and then of course that makes internal shit worse so then im just stuck in the middle forced to pretend shit doesnt suck and actually im fine and actually everythings fine keep being "jokingly" mean to me and pushing my boundaries i dont care i get it its actually really okay if you say something to me that most other people i know offline wouldnt consider mean even though i have told you to stop its okay if you dont stop i guess i guess its fine if no one listens to me and i have to sit in miserable silence by myself because i dont even feel like doing anything that any of my ceters enjoy like drawing or our data entry projects or video games or writing and it doesnt matter i guess that im so stressed because since its from an arbitrary authoritative institution everyone is supposedly fine with that makes it totally okay and actually the real problem is me and i guess im the problem and reason why no one wants to talk to me or communicate with me the way i want to be talked to or otherwise communicated with yeah my bad i guess its all my fault and im supposed to just suck it up and stop complaining and also its creepy and wrong and bad i guess for me to try to cope with any of this the way that i want to and i guess yeah i need to and should be keeping it a secret because otherwise ill make everyone else uncomfortable and thats the worst possible outcome btw no person left behind unless its me in which case utilitarianism is always right and we cant give a shit about everyone yk like someone is always going to be miserable but we should prioritize the most people so if i mention kink (ew) or my other interests (ew) im a horrible really bad person actually because im making other people (more important than me. btw) uncomfortable and upset also i should ignore the fact that i am systematically and systemically being isolated from and kept away from people who might actually show understanding and kindness towards me or be in a similar position and extend the kind of support i desperately need but its cool because you keep saying youre only doing that because im "better than them" and actually youre helping me because "those people" are bad and wrong and harmful and they might make me (simultaneously innocent and guilty) do bad things like drugs that might offer a chance to alleviate some of my pain or transition to a bodymind i& want or be angry or just generally be a "bad person" and not be able to participate in the joys of continuing the chain of oppression and harm. but its fine because its for my benefit actually because you frame it as ""those people" have it so hard and theyre so unlucky (because theyre treated like shit by everyone which is true because people's actions are definitely a matter of "luck") and i just want to spare you from that" how kind of you wow youre so sweet and nice to me right now because i havent violated any of your rules yet what a great person you are because you let me be myself to a certain extent (a tiny little eensy-weensy extent but thats fine because its more than i deserve anyway) and since im being invited to participate in the continuation of oppression and pain it would be pretty rude for me to say no and if i did say no it would definitely justify treating me badly and doing all of the things you do to "those people" to me because im technically actually even worse than "those people" because i could have been normal i could have just accepted your rules (that were literally killing me to follow) (not that you noticed)

and also on the other hand the people arguing against you get to use me as their fun little trick-up-their-sleeve because obviously its ridiculous to treat someone like me the way that you have and will and i can be used as a perfect little pawn

[the ceter who wrote this switched out around here, but before they did, it asked that the others of us post this vent anyway if they were unable to finish or post it]