#and being misdiagnosed with bpd at 21

[xerospaced]

If anyone, esp anyone diagnosed Autistic, wants to validate a very autistic but very not diagnosed chick who has done tonnes of research over years that like... my autism is valid even tho the system of diagnosing autism in adults (esp women, especially black women) has failed her...

I wouldn't say no 🙃

[fayewoodss]

I had a very depressing and escapist weekend, so I'm going to dump my thoughts here and see if anyone else understands.

So, I'm autistic but I also have BPD. I was diagnosed BPD before I was diagnosed autistic, and it's commonly known now that autism in AFAB people often get misdiagnosed this way. That being said, I still have BPD and my last two therapists both agreed it was still a current diagnosis and likely brought on from the trauma of being undiagnosed autistic until I was 21. Now onto the main point.

Autism causes me to have hyperfixations and special interests.

BPD causes me to have a favorite person.

Sometimes, these two overlap for me. My favorite person, whether someone close to me in real life or someone out of reach, like a celebrity, content creator, musician, etc., becomes my SpIn/hyperfixation. And I cannot separate the two. Because of this, I'm very prone to parasocial relationships and have been since probably around middle school. It's exhausting and embarrassing most of the time.

But my question is:

Do any other people who are autistic with BPD (or even comorbities or other neurodivergencies with similar traits) experience this, too? The combination of hyperfixation and favorite person?

[gen4grl]

vent, feel free to skip!

i was only got my autism diagnosis at 22 after spending years of my life since 13 in and out of the medical system. i was misdiagnosed with bpd at 18 and now i look back and get so so so angry that no one around me never thought i was ever on the spectrum. i read that it’s unfortunately very common for women with autism to 1. be diagnosed later in life and 2. be MISDIAGNOSED with personality or mood disorders instead (both results of medical misogyny may i add but a rant for another day).

i learnt about masking at 21 and it very much hit me like a pile of bricks when i realised how much of my life i’ve spent doing so. i still do it nearly all the time and when it hits me i feel so empty. i wonder if i have any personality outside my special interests and what i feel like i HAVE to be for people to like me. it makes me sad thinking about younger me trying so hard to copy those around me in a desperate attempt to make friends but it still not working. i’m alot better now at “being myself” even though sometimes i wonder who that really is! hm

i feel very at home here on tumblr and while i still feel very lonely in this very big world (both in my real life and online) it’s nice to have so many kind people on this website.

[aborderlinehurricane]

✨ Bpd Asks ✨

So I decided just to answer all of these because I know no one will actually inbox me a number lol

1. How did you find out about bpd?

I felt like I had it when I was like 15 and then when I turned 18 a doctor asked “has anyone ever diagnosed you with BPD?” And I said “no.” Then I was officially diagnosed.

2. How long have you been diagnosed?

Since I was 18. So almost 5 years.

3. What age do you think you started having bpd symptoms?

Honestly I think like 8 or 9. I had a lot of random emotional breakdowns when I was younger whenever I had a small disagreement with someone because I thought they were leaving me.

4. Do you have other mental illnesses? Does bpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way?

Bipolar, CPTSD, and Bulimia. Being treated for possible OCD and ADHD. It makes the CPTSD worse because they are very similar in some ways.

5. What do you do to deal with anger?

Still learning

6. What do you do to deal with depression?

I use my online social media accounts to express myself, go on tik tok, or talk to someone online.

7. What do you do to deal with anxiety?

slow breathing or do something with my hands.

8. What do your mood swings look and feel like?

Literally I could be fine and calm one minute then 3 mins later I’m severely depressed and suicidal then later on irritable and angry for no reason.

9. If you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally?

It feels like nothing is real. Like I’m not real and the world isn’t real. Like I’m a character in a movie and I get really spacey. I sometimes forget where I am.

10. Are you more of a quiet borderline, classic borderline, or somewhere in the middle? If you’re in the middle, what traits do you have of quiet and classic bpd?

In the middle. Kinda classic by which I have occasional outbursts. But mostly quiet because I turn inward most times and self harm or have suicide attempts. Probably like 40% classic and 60% quiet.

11. Do you believe in the 4 types of bpd? If so, are you more of a discouraged, impulsive, petulant, or self-destructive borderline?

I believe in the 4 types and I believe someone can be more than one type. I am the discouraged and self-destructive type of borderline.

12. Were you ever misdiagnosed? If so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? How did that affect your treatment?

I used to be diagnosed with major depressive disorder and then it was changed to bipolar disorder. I was once diagnosed with EDNOS and then it was changed to Bulimia Nervosa.

13. Do you have an fp? If so, how do you cope with having such a strong, influential relationship?

My fp tends to be mental health professionals like therapists and psychiatrists. It can be quite detrimental to the therapeutic relationship. 

14. How many times have you been hospitalized? If you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way?

Sounds unreal but it’s been 38 times from 2011-2020. And it used to help at first but now it’s just an inconvenience.

15. What is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized?

It’s okay to go they are there to help you but most of the help you’ll receive is actually from outpatient therapy.

16. Have you ever been in residential treatment? If so, what was it like and did it help?

Yes, I went to Timberline Knolls. The same place Demi Lovato and Kesha went for treatment in Illinois. It was helpful at first but I grew to hate it. Every week someone is trying to escape and the girls are super gossipy and catty.

17. What is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment?

Please research people’s experiences and reviews of the facility before applying/going.

18. What is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with bpd?

Get involved with either a DBT therapist or DBT group. It’ll help a lot. Read up from different books and websites. And for GOD’S SAKE do not read that awful book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”

19. Who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? What personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them?

I take traits from everyone I encounter and it’s always changing so this wouldn’t be a very short answer.

20. Who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)?

Katniss Everdeen because she’s just really strong and in the books I loved her cynical attitude. Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato were/are my role models for recovery. I’ve had a crush on Lady Gaga for several years as well lol.

21. How have you changed since you were first diagnosed? (Be proud of yourself, you’ve come a long way and I’m proud of you 💖)

Honestly I’ve just gotten worse but I’ve developed more insight.

22. What are some things related to your bpd that you still want to work on?

Dissociation, paranoia, innapropiate anger, self destructive tendencies, no sense of self, fear of abandonment.. okay I might as well say everything because I meet every criteria for bpd when you only need to meet 5...

23. Does bpd cause your opinions on things to change a lot?

Yeah other people’s opinions influence my opinions.

24. How are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood?

Hopeless and tired. Mainly because I feel like my life is going nowhere.

25. Do you have any friends with bpd? If so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have bpd?

An online friend :) but I’ve several friends with bpd over the years. The friendship would never work out because we both have bpd and our personalities would just clash.

26. Favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood?

My Chemical Romance - The Light Behind Your Eyes

Clairo - Flaming Hot Cheetos

Jose Gonzalez - Crosses

Crown the Empire - Lead Me Out of the Dark

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek

Chase Holfelder - Animal

27. What do you do to get yourself through a break down?

I yell, and try to take deep breaths and close my eyes.

28. What are your top 3 healthy coping skills?

Writing, art, and music

29. Do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc?

artwork, drawing, poetry, singing, crochet, ukulele, guitar, piano, and clarinet.

30. Are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone?

Isolation

31. Are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection?

I definitely overshare way too much.

32. Does bpd affect your appearance? For example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently?

I’m always changing my style. I go from dressing emo, to goth, to punk, to tomboy, to now my current style: art hoe.

33. What keeps you alive?

Art and Music

34. How open are you about having bpd?

Pretty open with most people but I do get wary of being judged and stigmatized.

35. When starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have bpd?

I have an issue with oversharing typically. But I usually wait depending on the person. Like I wait till we get to know each other then I tell them.

36. Do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has bpd?

Lorde - Liability

Twenty One Pilots - I Need Something

P!NK - Don’t Let Me Get Me

37. Were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up?

Innocent and quiet. But as a child I’ve had a lot of emotional outbursts under stress.

38. Are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet?

embroidery

39. Are you currently in recovery? If so, how is that going for you?

KInda. In therapy and I’m taking medications but I’m still struggling.

40. What keeps you motivated?

Answer not found

41. Does the bpd stigma affect you in any way? If so, how?

Yes because people see my behaviors and emotions as attention seeking & dramatic when it’s not.

42. Name 5 qualities you like about yourself.

Creative, smart, funny, that’s all I got...

43. Do you journal? If so, does it help you cope?

I use it occasionally to keep track of my chaotic days and behaviors.

44. Do you use any bpd/dbt related apps?

No.

45. List some of your favorite bpd blogs.

I don’t have any.

[carlie-grace-brown-blog]

understanding the mind of a murderer (not really).

If we could see inside someones brain for answers, would we understand what we saw? Could we see the truth? Would we understand why they decided to take a life, or multiple, or even hundreds? Could we see the last facial expression from the innocent life that was taken? Would we know what they were feeling? 

When we try to understand the minds of people like Dahmer, Bundy, or Ramirez, we simply turn away because it seems so cruel to hold on to something so wrong. The next question i ask would shock most but i feel it should be answered. Could killing another human be just as bad as any other sin? We hear so often from a stereotypical Republican that being gay could quite possibly be the worst sin in the universe. They make suggestions like conversion camps, reading the bible, or they shove “you were not born that way” down your throat. Could it be as bad as Cheating? Lying? Cursing? What about having an abortion?

Now we all know that one isn’t born gay, but we also know that one doesn’t choose to be either (or at least some of us do). If we switch it around and ask questions like “could someone be born a murderer?” or “does one choose to be a murderer?” we immediately have answers. “They have to be guilty, you don’t just go out and kill people for the fun of it”, but that does not answer either question at all. No one could answer these questions unless they truly understood the mind of a killer. 

Could they have done it because they suffered from a mental illness? We all try to know and understand how it must be to suffer from one, but do we understand it enough to know it could drive someone to commit a crime? or at least help feed the intentions of committing a crime?

BPD (BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER): This disease is characterized by impulsive behaviors, intense mood swings, feelings of low self worth, and problems in interpersonal relationships. It has also been diagnosed among some of the U.S.’s most notorious serial killers. What is intresting is, this seems more common among female criminals. The following names belong to a few who suffered from this:

Aileen Wuornos, the woman who inspired the 2003 film “Monster” starring Charlize Theron, confessed to seven murders in Florida. She was also diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

Jeffrey Dahmer, also known as the “Milwaukee Cannibal,” killed seventeen boys and men between 1978 and 1991. He also struggled with heavy alcohol abuse.

Kristen H. Gilbert killed four patients at a Northampton, Virginia hospital where she worked as a nurse by administering fatal doses of epinephrine to induce cardiac arrest.

ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER: Known in the past as “psychopathy,” this mental disorder is characterized by a total disregard of the feelings of others. People with APD may lie, act out violently, or break the law and show no remorse. WebMD reports that while APD only affects 0.6% of the population, it may affect up to 47% of male inmates and 21% of female inmates. It’s also been diagnosed among three of the most terrible American serial killers:

Ted Bundy, an infamous killer and necrophile, confessed to 30 murders in the 1970s.

John Wayne Gacy, known as the “Killer Clown,” raped and killed 33 boys and young men in the 1970s.

Charles Manson, leader of the “Manson Family” cult and mastermind behind the 1969 murders at the home of Sharon Tate, was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

SCHIZOPHRENIA: According to WebMD, schizophrenia—a wide-ranging (and often misdiagnosed) mental illness—lists symptoms ranging from hallucination and delusions to emotional flatness and catatonia. It is also known as one of the most common mental disorders diagnosed among criminals, especially serial killers:

David Berkowitz, better known as the “Son of Sam” killed six people in the 1970s claiming that his neighbor’s dog had told him to do it. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

Ed Gein, gruesome inspiration for fiction’s Norman Bates, Buffalo Bill, and Leatherface, murdered and mutilated his victims often keeping grisly “trophies.”

Richard Chase—”the vampire of Sacramento”—killed six people in California and drank their blood.

David Gonzalez killed four people in 2004 and claimed he’d been inspired by “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

Jared Lee Loughner, convicted of killing six people and wounding 13 including U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords in 2011, was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

James Eagan Holmes, currently on trial for the 2012 “Batman murders” in Aurora, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia by 20 doctors.

Now my next question is for you. If these people are such scary or terrible people, why are we not trying to better understand what could have driven them to commit such a crime? No, this not me trying to excuse anything they have done. I am also not saying that any of it was okay in any way, shape, or form. The things they have done are one of the hardest, most heartbreaking news in any state of our country. 

Could they have committed such a crime out of spite or cheating? In some cases, yes. The most recent just so happened to be in Fredrick, Colorado. The Watts family homicides occurred on August 13th, 2018, when Christopher Watts murdered his pregnant wife Shannan Watts and their daughters Bella, 4, and Celeste, 3 in their home. He then disposed the bodies of his daughters in two oil tanks at his workplace, while burying a shallow grave for his wife Shannan close to the girls.

Chris Watts had been having an affair with a woman named Nichol Kessinger since the beginning of July 2018. Apparently he thought that arguments between him and Shannan were heated enough to turn him into a cold blooded killer. He then made an explanation on who murdered his two innocent daughters, by saying it was Shannan who smothered them in their sleep because she was upset from an argument they were having. Watts pleaded guilty to nine charges, according to prosecutors: five counts of first-degree murder, one count of unlawful termination of pregnancy and three counts of tampering with a dead body. In pleading guilty, Watts essentially admitted his earlier explanation was a lie.

That case is something we can all understand right? A unhappy married couple, a cheating husband wanting to start a new life, spiteful and heated in every argument that had occurred. Those are some pretty large red flags if you ask me. SO, in some cases we understand why. We can see what led someone to kill another. But, what about the few we can not understand? 

We choose to do research till the end of time on the human brain, how to better understand it. We could ask ourselves thousands of questions about this topic and we would still never fully understand why these things happen. We may not ever fully understand every murderer and why they have committed a crime, but at least they get to say they are a little bit more interesting than Chris Watts (who lets just say is a little to easy to figure out). 

[xerospaced]

I think we need to start putting Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD/EUPD) under the microscope

I think it's high time we really get into it

Let's stop faffing about and get real

Like why do men get diagnosed with C-PTSD but women with the same experiences and symptoms get BPD

Or, hmm, I dunno, maybe why women who are undiagnosed neurodivergent are continually misdiagnosed with BPD without a moments consideration that it could be something else at play

Or how the diagnosis is given so quickly on assumption

It's almost like...

I dunno man

Anyone remember that period in the history of psychology where women who were dealing with trauma from abuse and/or sexual assault and the like were said to have "hysteria"

Ykno how they'd have one conversation with a psych and the psych would be like, "hmm, female, emotionally unstable, difficulties communicating, fragile sense of self. Oh yes yes, hysterical"

RING ANY BELLS!? ANYONE!?

As someone who was misdiagnosed with EUPD/BPD at 21 after one conversation with zero investigation. Who also later discovered they have adhd (diagnosed at 26) and autism (undiagnosed/dismissed due to adhd etc.). I find it pretty fucken sus that all these women are given this bullshit catch all diagnosis that labels them a problem and places the blame entirely on the flaw within themselves and then just... left to it.

I've been a part of BPD groups. I've seen those women. I've seen how the diagnosis has NOT helped them. I've seen how their symptoms have worsened. How hopeless they feel. How they try and try to do or be better but can't seem to get the hang of it.

And I've seen how many of them really need help dealing with their trauma, their symptoms of C-PTSD. I've seen how so many of them have had difficulties with parents friends and partners, always being misunderstood and the problem, almost like... hmm I don't fucken know - neurodivergent people maybe!

Honestly, to anyone who has been given the diagnosis of borderline. I urge you to investigate. Dig deeper. Do your own research. Look into the stats on misdiagnosis (I promise you, they are staggering!) Look at what conditions/disorders are often mistaken for borderline. Just do yourself a favour and question this label. Investigate.