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“The corner of the page when I met you is so worn it will soon be broken because I’ve read it so many times I could recite it in my sleep if I had chosen”

— tara love / the story of us

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If I could tell you how to love.

When you first meet the pair of eyes you feel you could look in forever, always ask yourself if you know how to love. How does that person need to be comforted? Can you understand what may be going on in their brain? Could you ease their mind? Could you help the pain? Do you truly want to? Most people couldn’t even answer one fully. Maybe that is what makes it so hard to love.

If i could tell you how to love, i would first give you the option of changing your mind. 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. In my opinion the definition of divorce is: not loving someone fully or loving someone so much you let them go. Not always because you wanted to but because they couldn’t love you. So, if i tell you how to love you must first ask yourself if you really want to.

No one could ever tell you the right way to love. They can only tell you what they think is the right answer. Maybe things they’ve seen in movies, or what they see growing up watching their grandparents. An old, classic type of love like Baby and Johnny Castle. Innocent, pure, and never ending it seems. Every great love story only seems to come with one moment of a struggle, but is that really how it is?

 Is there a set of instructions somewhere that our generation never got to read? Is there a how to video hidden on the internet that i may be the only one who can’t find it..Or am i not the only one? Are there more than a handful of people that feel or think the same way i do about what the right way to love is. Maybe there is no right way to love. 

It is an organic feeling that comes and goes but usually stays. It is an emotion you feel so deep that if its bad enough, it almost an addiction. Almost like a narcotic or our good old friend nicotine, that has been killing lungs since the 15th century. It is like someone that cuts you so deep you either get a scar or it never fully heals. So maybe there isn’t a way to do it correctly. Maybe you know that it is right and you love wholeheartedly in the best way you can and it just works,

So, i guess what i am saying to you is.. if i could tell you how to love it would be to wait. Wait until you feel every inch of your heart is consumed in jittery butterflies, signaling that they are the one. The one who brings you coffee in the morning. The one who rubs your back until you fall asleep. The one who would drive in rain or snow just to see your face or kiss you. The one who is fully themselves and wants nothing but for you to be you. Only then will you know how to love.

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And I am willing

to sacrifice

my own

happiness

just to keep

yours.

I am willing

to feel

my own heart

breaking

even if it

means

mending

yours.

This, is maybe what love can do to me. // ma.c.a

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“You were my midnight shower thoughts.”

six words (stephenstilwell)

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Hold on / to my wreckage or, please, let me go.

Eileen G’Sell, from “Beauty-Polluted,” Portrait of My Ex with Giant Burrito (via lifeinpoetry)

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The Little Things

The slight smile you make when we look at eachother.

The way your eyes look more blue each time I see you.

The quick look you give me as a signal.

The smirk you give after knowing I’d want you too.

The little things come so easy with you.

A short kiss in my driveway.

When you lay your head in my lap.

The focused look on your face while you’re working.

How you would always have my back.

A heart so large it could easily be 3 in 1, but that never stops how easy the little things come.

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understanding the mind of a murderer (not really).

If we could see inside someones brain for answers, would we understand what we saw? Could we see the truth? Would we understand why they decided to take a life, or multiple, or even hundreds? Could we see the last facial expression from the innocent life that was taken? Would we know what they were feeling? 

When we try to understand the minds of people like Dahmer, Bundy, or Ramirez, we simply turn away because it seems so cruel to hold on to something so wrong. The next question i ask would shock most but i feel it should be answered. Could killing another human be just as bad as any other sin? We hear so often from a stereotypical Republican that being gay could quite possibly be the worst sin in the universe. They make suggestions like conversion camps, reading the bible, or they shove “you were not born that way” down your throat. Could it be as bad as Cheating? Lying? Cursing? What about having an abortion?

Now we all know that one isn’t born gay, but we also know that one doesn’t choose to be either (or at least some of us do). If we switch it around and ask questions like “could someone be born a murderer?” or “does one choose to be a murderer?” we immediately have answers. “They have to be guilty, you don’t just go out and kill people for the fun of it”, but that does not answer either question at all. No one could answer these questions unless they truly understood the mind of a killer. 

Could they have done it because they suffered from a mental illness? We all try to know and understand how it must be to suffer from one, but do we understand it enough to know it could drive someone to commit a crime? or at least help feed the intentions of committing a crime?

BPD (BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER): This disease is characterized by impulsive behaviors, intense mood swings, feelings of low self worth, and problems in interpersonal relationships. It has also been diagnosed among some of the U.S.’s most notorious serial killers. What is intresting is, this seems more common among female criminals. The following names belong to a few who suffered from this:

Aileen Wuornos, the woman who inspired the 2003 film “Monster” starring Charlize Theron, confessed to seven murders in Florida. She was also diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

Jeffrey Dahmer, also known as the “Milwaukee Cannibal,” killed seventeen boys and men between 1978 and 1991. He also struggled with heavy alcohol abuse.

Kristen H. Gilbert killed four patients at a Northampton, Virginia hospital where she worked as a nurse by administering fatal doses of epinephrine to induce cardiac arrest.

ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER: Known in the past as “psychopathy,” this mental disorder is characterized by a total disregard of the feelings of others. People with APD may lie, act out violently, or break the law and show no remorse. WebMD reports that while APD only affects 0.6% of the population, it may affect up to 47% of male inmates and 21% of female inmates. It’s also been diagnosed among three of the most terrible American serial killers:

Ted Bundy, an infamous killer and necrophile, confessed to 30 murders in the 1970s.

John Wayne Gacy, known as the “Killer Clown,” raped and killed 33 boys and young men in the 1970s.

Charles Manson, leader of the “Manson Family” cult and mastermind behind the 1969 murders at the home of Sharon Tate, was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

SCHIZOPHRENIA: According to WebMD, schizophrenia—a wide-ranging (and often misdiagnosed) mental illness—lists symptoms ranging from hallucination and delusions to emotional flatness and catatonia. It is also known as one of the most common mental disorders diagnosed among criminals, especially serial killers:

David Berkowitz, better known as the “Son of Sam” killed six people in the 1970s claiming that his neighbor’s dog had told him to do it. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

Ed Gein, gruesome inspiration for fiction’s Norman Bates, Buffalo Bill, and Leatherface, murdered and mutilated his victims often keeping grisly “trophies.”

Richard Chase—”the vampire of Sacramento”—killed six people in California and drank their blood.

David Gonzalez killed four people in 2004 and claimed he’d been inspired by “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

Jared Lee Loughner, convicted of killing six people and wounding 13 including U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords in 2011, was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

James Eagan Holmes, currently on trial for the 2012 “Batman murders” in Aurora, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia by 20 doctors.

Now my next question is for you. If these people are such scary or terrible people, why are we not trying to better understand what could have driven them to commit such a crime? No, this not me trying to excuse anything they have done. I am also not saying that any of it was okay in any way, shape, or form. The things they have done are one of the hardest, most heartbreaking news in any state of our country. 

Could they have committed such a crime out of spite or cheating? In some cases, yes. The most recent just so happened to be in Fredrick, Colorado. The Watts family homicides occurred on August 13th, 2018, when Christopher Watts murdered his pregnant wife Shannan Watts and their daughters Bella, 4, and Celeste, 3 in their home. He then disposed the bodies of his daughters in two oil tanks at his workplace, while burying a shallow grave for his wife Shannan close to the girls.

Chris Watts had been having an affair with a woman named Nichol Kessinger since the beginning of July 2018. Apparently he thought that arguments between him and Shannan were heated enough to turn him into a cold blooded killer. He then made an explanation on who murdered his two innocent daughters, by saying it was Shannan who smothered them in their sleep because she was upset from an argument they were having. Watts pleaded guilty to nine charges, according to prosecutors: five counts of first-degree murder, one count of unlawful termination of pregnancy and three counts of tampering with a dead body. In pleading guilty, Watts essentially admitted his earlier explanation was a lie.

That case is something we can all understand right? A unhappy married couple, a cheating husband wanting to start a new life, spiteful and heated in every argument that had occurred. Those are some pretty large red flags if you ask me. SO, in some cases we understand why. We can see what led someone to kill another. But, what about the few we can not understand? 

We choose to do research till the end of time on the human brain, how to better understand it. We could ask ourselves thousands of questions about this topic and we would still never fully understand why these things happen. We may not ever fully understand every murderer and why they have committed a crime, but at least they get to say they are a little bit more interesting than Chris Watts (who lets just say is a little to easy to figure out). 

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“He tells her that he doesn’t feel the same, but when her head is pressed against his chest, he can only hope that the sound of his heartbeat does not betray him.”

— n.g. // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #19

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A certain smile.

The look you get from the drivers seat.

The same cologne he has wore for almost 5 years.

A certain smile that never seems to leave his face.

The ocean is trapped in his eyes.

Your heart is trapped in his hands, but it is working just fine.

You know you could trace the lines on his palms for hours.

You know he wouldn’t mind.

It’s the smile.

The way it always keeps you safe.

They way that it makes you smile.

A smile that only looks good on him, but it’s the only one that would make you stay awhile.

A certain smile that never seems to leave his face.

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you wouldn’t know beauty even if it was dripping down your face.

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lava girl who?