#and because i cant remmeber anything ever

[maidofmetal]

been ignoring my sister cuz she triggers the FUCK outta me n she came into my room upset about it and said I was being immature n wow lo and behold guess who is triggered again 🥳🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

[sovawife]

hi sorry i was gonna send you a gif or something to destroy you but i have to ask what venom's weapon is. is it. a pole. does he. pool balls. please educate me. also i found this whatever this is

ok any time you send me anything game play-related i cant get mentally ill because i actually seriously play him in the game like also lowkey competitively (literally going to enter a tournament) so im going to be here explaining boring game terms ill try to make it simple so non fighting game players understand ok so

yes. that is a pool cue. guilty gear uses the most insane unhinged weapons ever for their characters like one of them has a yo yo and a giant scalpel and yes venom kills you with a pool cue and pool balls.

ok. so. there are four different buttons you use for attacks in the game but those two, h is heavy slash and s is slash so those are the buttons you press for those inputs. mapped to uhm god i cant even think of the buttons but you can map it to whatever buttons on a controller.

but that specifically is one of his special moves thats like the frame for it its uhm stinger aim its called that??? or carcass raid i cant remmeber what one im too sleep deprived to remember but yah if you press h or s ball goes out in that direction and bonks them and i actually really hate this input because you have to hold back and then press the button to do it and i suck at the timing yes i play competitively yes i suck (half joking i beat my friend like 30 times in a row one time as him he hated me he was so mad) but yeah thats the input sorry if you have more questions about him feel free to ask but if its a normal question i fear i will not be as coherent the only thing i am coherent about is gameplay frame data special moves etc etc etc

now please dont send me that gif to destroy me

[larateared]

I'm not supposed to be here K isn't real they'd never come back, they left me years ago when they saw who I was they'd never talk to me again they would never be on even terms with me. He hates me he knows how horrible I am why is he back. It's not real because he'd never come back absolutely unrealistic. He's the only one left why would he come back please I'm devastated that you're the only one who comes back you always leave me you've known me since before I killed them that I seem so differnet lifeless why do you think i'm lifeless why have you always seen me as lifeless why does everyone see me as lifeless I think I sound pretty lively I'm veyr very lively I have a lot of emotions and I express them a lot but but what do you mean this personality has been conditioned to stay alone please for no don't Ill do it myself

he doesn't pay any attention to me Im fake to him he won't even call me by my name always that name but it's okay even if it really does fucking hurt because I killed them. I killed them I stole their everything why did I do it it wasn't for neccessity I know it was for something I can't remember I wasn't supposed to be here Murder for pleasure is the greatest sin

Please don't call me that I have a name I know i seem different it's okay you can call me that nevermind it's fine if you're more comfortable with it but please only you're allowed to do it nobody else.

I'll never call myself that I promise I won't ever even if you're angry at me.

I'm left out, everybody here knows you and likes you and everyone has helped you and I want to help you and sacrifice everything for you I always have but I can't I fucking can't do anything I can't understand you, you're the one with a similiar life, the most similar so why are our experiences different I can't understand why you're lonely why you're like this I should be like you so why am I like this I wasn't supposed to be like this the reason is because I killed them and stole everything but they're not really dead it's okay I'm dying I'm dying I'll die one day the beginning of my death has begun and I will fade maybe please just kill me I don't wnat to die dying is horrible but I cant fucking do anything else.

You don't pay any attention to me, you never really will the only reason you even associate with me is because I'm an old friend, the person you wnant I don't know how to bring them back they come out sometimes but only once a year ago and a few weeks ago I can't fucking be impulsive everything thought out thinking about doing it how do I stop please when I'm impulsive I see the most beautiful thing ever everyone thinks I'm impulsive ubt I think about it so much reliving everything hundreds of times because of how slow the days pass and hwo long it feels it feels like it's been 3 years waiting waiting suffering I can't remember your face I can't remember who you are I cant remmeber and I only see faint glimpses of you in something I thought I'd find funny dsomething I'd remmeber i though talwyas I can't remmeber anything I can't remmeber anything I cant rememeber anything I can't see anything and everyone is gone because I can't remember them don't forget please don't forget please don't forget I want to remember I don't want you to dissapear forever what to do if someone is gone then nothing because they never existed in the first place you exist but you'll never touch me again or look at me for what I've done to you.

I don't wantt o leave you too I thought I could be your freind again I can't help you because I don't have a grasp on loneliness or understanding the only thing I wish for is that you be a good friend but i want to cry every time I see you you'll hate me forever you already hate meI can see it how you act how you fucking resent me every time we speak I'm not gonna change and get better I'll always be no nono I can't I will be.

It isn't true that I want you to say something kind to me I don't know I just want to be your friend only yours because I admire you so much you may be a god to me but but I don't want to hurt you fuel your narcissism STOP THINKIGNT HAT WHAT SENCEJSA THINK NORMALY UNDERSTAND IT because some things will never be understood oh not the time for that no no of course not

I need to leave I need to run away from these people but I can't let them see me like this horrible creature because I don't want them to pity me

The first normal people I've spoken to in years, and so strange, I can't understand they're emotions or anything thye do anymoer.

I love you(? I don't think so)

I don't want to be you and I admire and love you so I think you're the only person I like.

but you'd hate me you'll never see me the way I wantI need to change change change change scoiety dont you mean me

one day I have to chance not onde day please but it's just appearance the person I truly am will never be chnag one day it will be can''t you see it you'velalrady changed I'm going to be forgotten

I need to get away from you guys for my safety

[dballzposting]

BTW Ive already made like 5 posts like this im sure but i want to talk about how at the end of Z (where this screenshot is from like at the VERY end it is a very cool shot) Trunks is so chill and self-assured and confident and fully embodying himself and he is still very much Player 1 and Goten’s senior.  Even tho it’s only by a year , it never felt inconsequential. Goten still called him “-kun” which of course he did he was raised by ms Chichi and uses respectful language. But i just think that he could have gotten away with no suffix at all if he wanted to. But it was the polite and affectionate thing to do. Plus i’ve no clue the nuance of that shit anyway Listen

OK so actually im gonna utilize a readmore becasue i remmebered that they exists and literally who wants to scroll past all this shi... Love you

OK So ive made posts like this before but i want to say that I am sooooooooooo sorry for portraying Trunks as being soooooo comically BOTHERED by Goten’s antics. And by therefore (inadvertently or not) portraying him as Stressed Out and Less Than Chill and Bossy and Specific and Insecure and Anxious and Prone To Snapping. Ive walked the line between That and a more canon portrayal before but really all that secondary bullshit should just be dropped at this point like ive done enough :/ Like 

OK ive already said all this before but Im thinking about this again. Ok well basically TRUNKS IS PLAYER 1. Always has been and always will be. Goten is Player 2 and he has to use the player 2 controller hooked into the player 2 slot and he cant use the default colors bc he’s player 2 so he has to be Blue or Red or something thats Not the default and it’s not his game and it’s not his Gamecube and it’s not his house and it’s not his room and it’s not his TV. And it’s that fucking simple

THEY ARE A DUO..!!!!! BUT Trunks is player 1 and Goten is player 2. Theyre not so much equal as much as there is a yin-yang to it. 

OK. So Im sorry for portraying Trunks as even having a reaction to Goten’s antics bc the truth is that he really would not let anything that Goten does get to him at all whatsoever bc 1.) He’s seen it all before 2.) He’s unbothered by it 3.) He’s better than that. And he is not going to be one-upped by Son Goten.

HE IS THE CHILD OF BULMA AND VEGETA ....!! HE IS NOT GOING TO BE ONE-UPPED BY ANYONE FRANKLY...! 

NOT TO MENTION. HIS EASY SPIRIT. Even Future Trunks who came from a hellish reality had a very distinct Easiness to his spirit. He is fully embodying himself, is comfortable in himself. He does not waste time on dreaming and is instead interested in doing. He is capable of relaxing and capable of enjoying his time alive. And in no environment will he ever feel like there’s no room for him.

Ok... We see that so clearly in our Present Trunks at the end of Z somehow. Hes so chill and cool and comfortable. And we see it again in GT in how he didnt want to do all that paperwork so he just flew out the fuckign window. 

HE;’S JUST LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. THAT’S IT. It’s that simple.

OK Well I do remmebr how when i very first started talking about Goten & Trunks it was definitely before I even saw the end of Z . I didnt honestly know what to make of them yet but what I did know was that it was feasible that Trunks could grow into a bossy kind of guy. And the natural next step, obviously, was to have his counterpart be someone who could get under his skin. Because if Goten couldn’t bite back then why would they hang out .. they have to be equally matched in SOME capacity . And i figured that if I kept watching and kept thinking about it and then rewatched some then I would understand their characters better. 

Well I did keep watching it and I did keep thinking about it but my first impressions became Classic to me rather than a First Draft That Should Be Ditched. Partly becasue there was some FUNNY SHIT in my head at the beginning and i didnt want that to become obsolete lol. A lot of it did age past relevancy but a lot of it didnt and i ended up using it later (like that comic where Trunks was wearing Goten’s entire outfit and was like “well one of us is going to have to change.”) Anyway 

So anyway I dont know where Im going with this necessarily. Just that I really liked the idea that Trunks would grow into a bitchy teenager and have some difficult times and his player 1 complex would become exemplified as he became more self-aware and insecure about his power and place, and so he would boss Goten around like always, albeit more ardently because it’s a bit more needed now, and Goten would either tolerate it or tip his hand and say/do something that completely strikes the perfect nerve. Sometimes it was an accident but Goten himself would grow into somebody who is very emotionally intelligent and mature so he doesnt accidentally piss him off for forever. Sometimes he’d do it in self-defense and other times he would do it because it was funny. And then i guess Trunks grows out of it and into his Easy Spirit that we see at the end of Z. And i rememebr arriving at the End of Z and being like OMG OMG OMG OMG SO COOL but also being like “ummm this is a little different from what i was saying lol ...” and idk i never did anythign abt that .. Im a creature of habit i guess . Anyway

Anyway if you want my professional opinion I’d say that Trunks never has to get pissed off at Goten becasue he can hold his own. It is funny to think that at some age Goten becomes less childish and naive and more quick-witted, and Trunks, WHO HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE PRECOCIOUS ONE, who has enjoyed a life of being comfortably many levels of awareness above Goten, now has to reconcile with Goten catching up to him, and he does not handle it well. That is an interesting story but IT’S NOT EVERYTHING ...!! AND IF THAT DID HAPPEN it likely died down pretty soon becasue AGAIN. END OF Z. TRUNKS WAS SO CHILL AND HE AND PAN STILL KICKED GOTEN’S ASS IN THE TOURNEMENT. WHICH WAS SO FUNNY BTW. 

Becasue he’s STILL..! PLAYER..! ONE..!!!!!

It makes perfect sense tbh. Of course. Of course Trunks is still stronger than Goten. Goten is Goten after all. He comes from a loving rural home and even tho his mother is a hardass and his father only cares about fighting, he’s still a very chill dude. And Trunks is also chill but he does take life a bit more seriosuly. But not to the point of frequent stress. It’s just that his father is Vegeta and his mother is Bulma and he’s being fast-tracked to being the President of Capsule Corp and like ... He knows how to relax but he also experiences very high prestige. And here’s the important bit: HE CAN HANDLE IT. HE’S NOT STRESSED OUT ABOUT IT. HE’S BUILT FOR IT. HE’S BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS. HE CAN HANDLE IT. 

Anyway I dont want to say that it’s less funny and that there are less things to say if Trunks is chill and theyre actually on the same wavelength usually becasue that’s quitter talk. Thats quitter talk. Of course there’s still a lot to say .. of course there are stories to tell there .. It’s less emotionally piquant but that is in fact the point, what emotions are left between them? Theres no expressions of anger but thats fine. It’s whatever. Like i’ll be fine... .........

Anyway. Here is a list of the only ways that I can imagine where Goten one-ups Trunks:

1. I guess expressing unwarranted and unabated genuine affection. But only in really specific contexts becasue that usually works at bugging someone IF there’s space left between you that has yet to be revealed/explored. And i don’t think that there’s much space left between those two. Theyve known each other since they were babies but they lack the obligation and boundaries that family would share. So I really dont know what Goten could do in that field to bug him. He does live life with a much more prominent and open heart than Trunks does so he’s capable of expressing an amount of love that is sickening but I dont think that, if he afforded Trunks that, that Trunks would be bothered by it. First of all he’s probably heard it before. Second of all, if Goten really tried to push it, it would become clear that he’s doing a bit, and Trunks isn’t gonna let that go anywhere.  Third of all there is a very simple way to diffuse an attempted one-up which is to take it one step further. “i love you man” “cool i love you too” (kisses him on the lips) . And that really does mean nothing to them. Well actually in a strictly canon interpretation they would absolutely NOT do that but I already said that I dont think that theres much space left between them. They could do anything and it would not change anything. And that’s all there is to it

2. Honestly if Goten did something that was a little improper but hard to argue against. Like named his first child after Trunks’s family’s nomenclature. Like “hey Trunks guess what .. my ex just showed up with a baby and told me that it’s mine .. crazy right? .. I wanted to be a dad eventually but this is sort of shocking haha ... BUT I LOVE MY NEW BABY ... I named them Thong” and at which point Trunks would be like “Um. What”

That might cause a bit of an argument .. like ummmmm..... Maybe you should name it something in line for YOUR family .... and stay out of mine............

But we all know that Goten would name his first child “Gohan The Third” anyway so that would never happen lol.

3. If Goten really truly surpassed Trunks’s player 1 status somehow. If he became stronger than him and consistently so. If he became president of the World while Trunks is only president of Capsule Corp. It wouldnt break Trunks and it certainly woudlnt break what they have but it would cause Trunks to sit down for a bit and really think about that. Goten wouldnt let the power get to his head so they’d still be good. But that would still strike some mounting fear in Trunks’s heart I think. Especially becasue I dont think that he thinks his relative level of power plays into his self-image at all. But it does. It’s just never been questioned. 

BTW on ask-tarble.tumblr.com Trunks is still going to be relentlessly bothered by Goten’s antics bc the whole blog is broadly funny at the expense of relevant characterization like a western cartoon so... yeah. STRONGLY looking forward to showing all that. THANK YOUUUUUUU

[enderwoah]

a short post about fundy that turned into a rant

the dreamsmp fandom on fundy only has two sides:

“wilbur neglected fundy and never gave him any attention!!!!! he never put him in any position of power, completely never paid attention to him, always focused on tommy and did nothing to help him EVER!! hence why he rebelled and ran for president!!”

or

“wilbur always paid attention to fundy and babied him constantly!!!! that’s partially why he rebelled so he could be in power, blah blah blahh, but it made tommy mad and!” etc etc

i feel like the second opinion tends to be the least accurate. wilbur did baby fundy, yeah, when he remmebered him! has anyone noticed (i might have said this before) that fundy was the only person that wasn’t in a position of power in l’manburg? like it was there, on the wiki. tubbo was like, secretary of state, tommy was the right hand man, wilbur was the prez, ofc, but fundy? citizen. WHAT? how do you make a FOUNDING FATHER a CITIZEN?!

augh.

fundy is my favortie character for the sole reason of his backstory. it’s like. everyone else’s character is deffo made for a roleplay -- basically a blank slate for things to happen to them. a self-insert. (except for wilbur’s ive talked about that before tho.) FUNDY. FUNDY is a book character. the son of the general/president, elisted into your father’s war and tossed aside in favor of his even younger right hand man, thinking that you’re not experienced enough to do anything important??? bruh.

i wrote something on discord about this once, under the cut

“and can we talk about fundy??? he (as a person, floris) wants to be on pogtopia's side, but honestly? fundy's in-rp character would be better off being like 'yeah, i wanna join my dad's side! because....you know...im supposed to.' but then we consider the fact that wilbur basically never paid any attention to fundy as a son -- have y'all EVER thought about the fact that fundy is the ONLY FOUNDING FATHER that ISNT mentioned in the anthem?? 'with wilbur, tommy, tubbo, not eret???' are you kidding me wilbur?? he was also the only person that wasnt in a postion of power. seriously?

schlatt actually put fundy into power, so i feel like it'd be more ic for him to originally be like yeah, i wanna be on wilbur's side before realizing that schlatt treats him better than wilbur ever did.”

look, i would have been SLAIN if fundy started out as someone who wanted to be on pogtopia’s side who slowly grew to accept schlatt because ‘woah...this guy actually let me be powerful? he let me DO THINGS, i’m...important??’

i totally get him staying there because genuinely, nobody irl wants to be on schlatts side (let me be with the funky roleplay man not the senile old guy who is also equally good at roleplaying and just as cool as wilbur and why doesn’t anyone want to be on schlatt’s side can someone pLEASE EXPLAIN??), but in terms of being in character, gosh, that’d be pretty funky.

my friend on the discord, mae, said it as follows

“It feels like Fundy wanted to show his father that he is strong, which would explain why he decided to run against Pog2020 in the election. It's clear that Fundy doesn't really want to be on Schlatt's side, however this is the first time that someone has given him this powerful position and he doesn't want to lose that by joining Pogtopia.

Just like you said when you talked about Fundy not being in the L'manburg anthem, Wilbur also said that Fundy was 'too young' and that 'he doesn't understand' when Schlatt said that he wanted to promote Fundy.“

AND OH ABSOLUTELY AMAZING YES YES I LOVE 100%!!!

ive written a couple of fics about wilbur and something that i really jump on is the fact that his character REALLY wants people to be dependent on him, so when fundy ran against him and then took it a step further and practically disowned him? direct punch in the gut to wilbur's villain desires.

wilbur wants power. he wants control. all of those things have to do with others. and if he cant have it then, in his own words, no one can, and him keeping fundy out of power is his way to keep control over him.

because who knows how fundy would have acted if he was in more control than wilbur? unpredictable, so dangerous.

thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

[kyovtani]

ASKS

hey babies! i’ve decided to answer the asks about back to life one and two like this because ive received so so so many and you guys blew me away so answering every single one of them is the least i can do to show you guys just how grateful i am. thank you so much for giving both parts SO much love, i love and appreciate you guys and the support you’re constantly sending my way with my whole entire heart <33

BYE THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO FAR. MY ANXIETY THO FROM THE ENDING, LIKE PLS KYO REALIZE THE MCS ANXIETY PLS DONT GO OUT WITH SORA PLEASE PLEASE HE SEEN HOW SHE DIDNT LOOK OKAY WHEN HE CAME IN PLEASE REALIZE HER ANXIETY PLEASE

– THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !! this was the very first ask about back to life and it’s honestly the cutest thing ever! I hc Kyoutani to be rally understanding of things like anxiety and depression, generally mental health so that’s why it was easy for him to understand the reader’s situation and mindset! 

BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!! MY HEART!!!!!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO GOOD!!!!! i was really excited when you started posting about it!! i can't wait for part 2, i wanna know how they fix this!

AAAH !! thank you so much for the love and support baby!!!! I really hope you enjoyed part 2 just as much, sending you lots of smooches MWAH

OH MY GOD THE KYO FIC IS AMAZING

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!!! 

OH MY GOD YOUR KYOUTANI FIC HAS ME ACTUALLY FROTHING I LOVE IT SM

IM NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED AT THE LAST COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AS WELL I CANT WAIT FOR PART 2

AAAH YOU GUYS !!! this made me so happy !!! thank you so much and I hope part two met your expectations and you enjoyed the ending MWAH!! 

HOLY FUCK THAT KYOUTANI FIC WHEW IT WAS SO SO GOOD IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 2

thank you for the food <33

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BABY !!!

YOUR KYOTANI FIC AHHHHHHH my heart can’t handle this

I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT BABY !!!

OW THE END ON BACK TO LIFE HURTED THOUGH GDFGHJDFHJRY

Was overwhelmed by the hurty that I forgot to say how much I ADORE your characterization of Kyoutani. fdjkhgjkgdr

THANK YOU SO MUCH !! honestly- that means the world to me, probably the best compliment you can give me :((

Back to life was so good OMG 😳😳 HELLO??? You're amazing

Thank you so much, my love! it honestly is everything to me when you guys tell me such sweet things I love you so much MWAH!!

the new fic did not help me with my insecurities now i’m just frustrated and insecure. great writing tho.

honestly- same. when I wrote this, I lit indulgent every bit of my mind working into this fic and thats why it means so much to me ?? so youre not alone, my love; but thank you so much <33

The way I panicked at the end of the fic thinking there wasn’t gonna be more to it, holy shi that fox was so good I almost cried thinking they were just gonna end things like that 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’d NEVER end a fic like that- I hate bad endings and cannot stand cliffhangers but the formatting didn't give me another choice im sorry for the heart attack baby kfhflashsj but am glad you liked it!

@au-roraaa said: ZADE I WAS NEVER A KYO FUCKER BUT I THINK YOUVE CONVERTED ME HOLY FUCKSJFJSJDJSN

THIS IS MY JOB AT THIS POINT I WANT YOU ALL TO TURN INTO KYOU FUCKERS KSSSOH 

UR THE BEST WRITER WTF?? WHEN DO U THINK PART TWO WOULD BE UP... and does kyoutani flirt with sora 😣💔

YOU GUYS- NOOO- pls my heart made a loop :(( I love you so much :(( thank you baby and I think now you know what he does with sora MWAH

@kawakuto said: hi hi zade!🤩 (ajdjs idk if you remember me but i moved main blogs and I was @/gukooky before LOL) THE KYOUTANI FIC ANDJWNS I DIDNT EXPECT THE END WAHHHH🥺🥺 it was so well written omg I loved it!! (wtf kyoutani, you said we were going slow what if I wasn’t ready to call u my boyfriend wtffff😔😔 pain.)

AAAAH OFC I DO REMMEBER !! hope youre doing well baby !!! and thank you SO much for your sweet words, I honestly appreciate them so much :((<33

pls I’m in love with your writing. You write kyoutani so well so now I’ll always be grabbing at any crumbs you send my way 🥵

thank you so so so much baby!!!! these kinda words always hit me right at the heart, I appreciate them so much and I love you sm much

bb i love ur kyoutani fic sm :(( ur rlly so talented <33 i look forward to pt 2 ^3^

thank you so much baby, sending a smooch your way mwah 

zade that kyoutani piece im in so much pain why would u do this to me 💔💔💔💔

believe me when I say It hurt me even more than you </3

I just finished reading part 2 and it waS SO GOODAJSFHJLFG you did amazing!! (n˘v˘•)¬

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!

Hi! New nonnie coming through :) First time I'm writing something because I'm such a nervous wreck but I just had to

THE FIC WAS SO GOOD THE VIBES ARE CHEFS KISS. IT WAS SO GOOD I LITERALLY DROOLED I CAN NOT GET OVER IT !

Mister kyotani pls rail me thanks 🐱

THANK YOU AAAH YOURE SO CUTE !!! I truly appreciate this with my whole entire heart so thank you so much baby, hope you have a good one mwah

Wait did he do anything with Sora?

nope!! they just went to the party together but in my mind he didn’t even hug her and she didn’t try anything else, too, simply bc she knew how in love he is with reader!!

YOUR MINDDDDD!! THE KYOU FIC WAS SOOOO GOOOD!! Omg i hope you do a part 3 😭😭

i have a Little sequel which is really really soft but I'd love to write some more for it! 

@soranihimawari said: Part 1 & 2 with kyoutani was amazing as always Zade! I really liked the ending. This was such a fun read. I was wondering who’s else would be sharing the apartment with Kyoutani. What made you choose tattoo artist Iwa & Oikawa? Those two made me chuckle with the way they came in like that. Hope you have a great day/evening/late night/etc.

✌🏼&💜

—sora—

aaah thank you so so much, baby!! I truly appreciate your sweet words, youre the cutest! regarding your question: You shares an apartment with Iwa, Oikawa and Yahaba (who also works at the tattoo studio!) and i don't know to be really honest- I just like the thought of these three being really good friends so after contemplating whether or not to go with iwaoi or matsuhana, I ended up going with those two dorks! hope you have a good one baby mwah!!

@sakusapetals said: PLEASEE I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH

AAAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !!! I LOVE YOU SM 

How long did it take you to write the entire two parts? Like wow that’s alot👁👄👁 i adore long fics though

oooh- hm ?? tbh i don't really know ?? I can’t remember ?? I think it took me about a month or like three weeks since I did write it all in one go yk? it was the only WIP I worked on during that time and it felt SO relieving to publish it! 

AAAHHH the kyou fic was a masterpiece bb!!! ❤️❤️

thank you so so so much baby!!<33

U LITERLALT WRIYE KYOU THE BEST ABSOLUTE BEST. he’s so aggressive and demanding but he still is willing to show someone special his vulnerability. I LOVE READING STUFF ABOUT HIM FROM U

AAAAH thank you so much- you guys have no idea how much these kinda comments mean to me- I love you so MUCH MWAH 

I just read the first part of "back to life" an it had me speechless so many times, almost cried at the end, it's honestly so well written. I'm off to read part two. Have a nice day 🐰

sdoalfsla thank you so much baby! I hope you enjoyed both parts equally as much and thank you for all the love mwah!!<3

Hana is a baddie

SHE IS!! she’s literally the baddest bitch to ever exist ft. saeko ofc but nobody acknowledges it </3

@tonhwa said: I’m in love with the way you write kyoutani pls. Even your previous fics on your old account ( if you don’t mind me mentioning it ) are so fucking amazing. GOSH YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM SO WELL AND THE PLOT IS ALWAYS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING I CANT HELP BUT GO BACK AND READ IT. and then you release this fucking wonderful piece and I feel like it’s my birthday even though it’s already passed LOL ty ily have a wonderful day I’m sobbing tears of happiness

YOU GUYS PLEASE- the fact this made me tear up when I first read it- thank you SO much honestly. knowing you guys enjoy my characterization of my favorite character is honestly everything to me so thank you sm I love you baby have a good one!!<3

I’ve been on this app from high school, and now I’m a college grad. I have to say I’ve never sent a message to anyone I’ve followed. But that tattoo artist! Kyou fic, part 1 and 2 are 😩💕 *chefs kiss* you are one of my favorite writers I’ve ever followed since joining this app. You NEVER disappoint!

-💕 a very satisfied reader

thank you so much baby!! aaah this is honestly so so sweet :(( thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a sweet thing, I appreciate it and you so much mwah!!

i gotta say babe THANK YOU FOR THE KYOTANI CONTENT!! muAAAAHH💞💞

NOO THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING IT SO MUCH LOVE MWAH!!!

i love kyoutani and he obvs deserves his dick sucked 🤧🤧 but i catch him posting up with other girls I DONT CARE THE SITUATION he gonna catch these hands for a real one 👊🏼👆🏼🤜🏼🥊🥊 kidding 😐😐😐 he’d body me

pls the way this had me chuckling like crazy bc same sajlskjpw he can get mad all he want but he better stay his pretty ass where he is- by my side  😌

[angelic-holland]

Can I request reader's first time ever having an actual, real orgasm in her life, with Haz? Thank you!

I’m so sorry this is so long but I hope this is okay @hoforhaz

***

“I mean, I’ve never you know,” you sigh, groaning into your hands as Harrison and your friends watch you struggle for words.

You were all playing never have I ever, and Tom jokingly said “never have I ever had an orgasm” so everyone would be forced to drink. When you didn’t, everyone stared at you in disbelief, which made you all too flustered for your liking.

“I’m uh, I’m not feeling too well, is it okay if someone walks me back to my place?” You say, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes as you stand up.

“Sure, I’ll take you,” Harrison says, standing up as well. You’re a little more than tipsy as you turn around, trying to calm your nerves and the anxiety that came with being the only one of your group of friends who hadn’t had an orgasm before.

“I’m sorry Tom’s an ass,” he says, keeping an arm around your shoulder as you walk home.

“No it’s fine, I mean, for fucks sake, I’m old enough, I should have by now I just never-,” you pause in front of your flat, turning to Harrison as he drops his arm from your shoulder.

His face is slightly blurry but you can still make out the calm blue eyes that act like an anchor in a sea of crowded people. Just looking at him eases your nerves.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to explain yourself to me,” Harrison assured you as you hurry to unlock your door.

“Oh uhm, yeah, of course,” you nod, rubbing the back of your neck as the wind picks up and chills run down your spine.

“Just, do you need me to stay? In case you get sick or anything?” Harrison asks, subtle interest in his voice as he runs a hand through his blond hair, making it stick up all over the place even more than it already had.

“My roommates here, but uh, I’ll see you around,” you sigh, already feeling humiliated enough, not wanting the boy who you’ve got a massive crush on to think you’re even more of a baby if he has to take care of you.

“Yeah, is it okay if I stop by tomorrow? Like later, just to check in?”

And you find the question odd, because he can easily text you or call you to check in but you’re definitely not going to say no to a house call.

“Sure, be safe walking back Haz,” you nod, flushing as he presses a quick kiss to your cheek before quickly walking down the stairs and back onto the sidewalk.

You wake up the next day remembering most of the night before, you remember the way Harrison’s lips were cold from the chill outside but the moment he kissed your cheek, you felt like your insides were on fire. Not a mad, crazy, itching fire. But a subtle fire, like you were sitting in front of a fireplace on Christmas Eve.

After showering and trying to calm your headache by medicine and water, you decide for a lazy day in, watching cartoons in bed.

It isn’t until there’s a ringing of your doorbell you remmeber what Harrison said. That he’s going to check in on you.

You want to scramble to change out of fuzzy pink pajama bottoms and a tank top but you don’t want to leave Harrison waiting in the cold, so you slide down the hall in just that, making sure it was him before opening the door.

“Hey,” you whisper, peeking your head out.

“Hi, love,” Harrison smiles, cheeks and nose red, he shivers slightly and you almost smack yourself, opening the door wide and ushering him inside.

“I’m still alive,” you laugh meekly, walking back toward your room, you totally forgot to pause your show and you didn’t want to miss any piece of the newest episode.

“Glad to hear it,” Harrison says, leaning against the door to your room as you turn the TV off.

“I’m sorry for pulling you away from the get together last night.”

“It’s fine, I don’t mean to pry but, have you ever, did you seriously never have an orgasm before or did you just say that so you didn’t have to drink?”

The question makes you feel awkward, shuffling around your room cleaning and putting away random things as you try to come up with an answer. How to tell the hot boy in your room that you’re a clueless virgin.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up-,”

“I’ve just never really had a long term boyfriend and I’ve never-,”

“So you’re a virgin?”

You swear Harrison’s light blue eyes get darker and his voice gets deeper when he asks the question.

You nod, turning away as you cross your arms and struggle for more words.

“I just- I mean I’m such a baby, god,” your breath hitches as you feel his hands on your waist.

“No you’re not, love, in fact, I think it’s hot,” Haz whispers, his lips brushing over your ear as he speaks, gently pushing your tank top ever so slightly, just so he can rest his hands on bare skin.

Your entire body trembles as he kisses down your neck, pausing when you whimper, sucking and biting at the skin until a beautiful hickey blossomed there.

“That means we can figure out how to make you feel good, together,” he whispers, turning you in his arms.

“Together?” You ask, furrowing your eyebrows.

“I’ve wanted you for a while, y/n, and I’d be honored to help show you how to orgasm.”

“Haz,” you breathe out as he pulls you flush to him, your nipples hard against your tank top as his hands slip down to grab your ass.

“You want that?” Harrison asks, his forehead resting on your own.

“Please,” you sigh as he begins to walk you backward to your bed.

“What do you want from me?”

“Can we, can we just uh stay mostly clothed?” You ask, nervous to show him all of yourself.

“Whatever you’d like,” Haz says, pressing a quick kiss to your lips.

You find yourself with your chest against Harrison’s back. He’s fully clothed and you’ve just taken off your pajama bottoms. There’s a wet patch on your lilac panties and when Harrison saw it, he groaned, his cock hard against your ass. One of his hands is around your stomach, keeping you flush with him as his other hand begins to stroke you over your panties.

His mouth is all over your neck and you’re positive it will look like some contemporary piece in a museum by the time he’s finished. You don’t mind.

“Can I touch your breasts, baby girl?” Harrison asks. Normally the name would make you cringe, especially since you were so inexperienced and it could sound demeaning. But it was jaw dropping coming from Haz.

“Please,” you beg and his hand around your waist moves to cup your breast, slowly pushing your tank top down to pull your breast out, exposing your nipple to the cool air.

“You’re so wet for me, want me to touch you under your panties? Or do you want to keep this up?” Harrison asks, voice thick as his fingers roll your nipple between them.

“Over, for now, if that’s okay,” you moan as his thumb catches your clit over your panties, absolutely soaked now.

“Anything you want, just want to make you feel good baby girl,” Haz whispers, your head falling back against his shoulder as he pushes your tank top down more and exposes your other breast.

“More,” you gasp after a few more minutes of him just rubbing you, your hips canting upward to his movement.

“Under?” He asks, kissing your cheek as you nod.

The feeling of his hand cupping your pussy is like nothing you’ve experienced before and no part of your imagination could’ve ever prepared you for it.

His fingers run through your slick, rubbing your clit to the pace your hips set.

“How will I know when I- fuck,” you gasp, pleasure washing over you as his thumb and forefinger gently pinch your clit.

“You’ll know, trust me baby girl,” Harrison whispers, reassuring you as one of his fingers dips not even an inch into your entrance and there’s this odd tightening in your stomach.

“I bet you’d taste so good, love to eat this pretty pussy,” he whispers, your moans getting higher and higher pitched as you writhe against his touch, wanting, needing more.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you? My lips around that clit, fucking you with my tongue?”

“Haz! Fuck I think I’m gonna, oh god,” you groan, wetting your lips as Harrison speeds up the movement on your clit, pushing his finger deeper inside of you and crooking it just so, hitting part of you that makes you snap.

“Harrison! Ah, fuck, Haz, oh my god,” you cry out, legs shaking as Harrison pulls his finger out of you and slows his thumb against your clit.

“Now that, baby girl, is an orgasm.”

[sockpansy]

Lost At Sea

Hey! This is a fic based off of two drawings done by the amazing @thelazyblueshipper who gave me permission to write a fic!

Warnings: blood mention, ghosts, kidnapping (its too a mermaid) and let me know if I need to tag anything else!

_______

Roman had wanted to do it for years, ever since the pirates found out about them. Ever since they started to take, kill, sell their kind.

Roman wanted to stop them.

But Logan wouldnt let him.

"Its too dangerous Roman! As long as we stay farther down and away from nets, we can be safe."

"But then we have no freedom! We are confined to the deep waters only! We have to watch how fast we go, we can even float on the surface to sunbath!"

"But if they catch us, we die." Logan spat. "If we go after them, we Will get caught, then what do you suggest we do?"

Roman fell silent, not able to make a reasonable agrument.

"There are ships we could fix up easily and-"

"No Roman."

That had been the end of that argument.

_____

"Help! Help!" Patton sped through the water in search of someone, anyone who could help.

He found Roman and Logan, who had heard him and came as fast as they could.

"Patton! Calm down padre, what's wrong? Predator? Underwater volcano?"

"Virgil!" Pattin cried.

Logan looked around."where....is Virgil? Patton what happened?"

Patton's tears floated in thw water. "I just wanted to go above for a little bit, i didnt know they were so close! I didnt know there net was so close!"

The rest was lost in cries, but it was obvious what happened. Virgil had saved Patton but got caught by pirates instead.

"Roman." Logan starred at the water above them.

"We need a ship."

_____

Luckily, Roman knew were a ship was in...ok condition and not filled with water completely.

"How did you even find this?" Patton asked as they arrived at a small islabd with an old ship on it. It had a hole in the side and a broken mast,but was rather alright.

"Before we started to stay under, I found it."

"We better get to work if we want to get Virgil back before they reach a port then." Logan was still unsure, but...they couldnt just leave Virgil,to be sold or...killed, if he wasnt already.

_____

It took a few days to fix the ship, but they found swords, and old clothes they could wear when they transform in homaniod forms. Roman was the self proclaimed captain, with logan as the firdt mate who has some common since. Patton was the one incharge of leading the way to Virgil right now.

But logan still worried. They only had three people, a small, barely afloat ship, and they are all secretly mermaids. They were up agianst a full pirate crew, on a big ship, who catch mermaids.

They needed a plan.

"We need a plan." Logan said one night. "We can't just attack, we will be killed or captured."

Patton looked down."if I just stayed away..."

"Patton, we have been over this, it isnt your fault, and we sre gdtting virgil back." Roman said, tilting his captain's hat up.

Patton sniffled but nods, pushing his new glasses up. (He put on a random pair and found out that he can see a lot better with them, same with Logan)

Logan,nods as he thought."we could go under the cover of night, but even then they will have people awake and ready to fight..."

"What about during a storm?" Roman suggested.

"What?"

"Well they will be busy with the storm right? We can show hi in mermaid form, get in, pretend to be part of the crew, get virgil out and only have the fight if we get caught." Roman suggested.

Patton lit up."that could work! Its dark during storms, and...and if they see our patched up ship, they can think its a ghost ship!"

Logan nods along as he listened. "It...could work...that we need some way to have our clothes when we are in the water so we can change quickly..."

Roman hummed."we could...get dressed on there ship?"

Logan shook his head."too wierd and supious."

"We could pretend to be crew members who fell over?" Patton suggested.

Logan nods, "yes...but only one of us, it will be easier to get one then...and other two will stay on the ship and act as ghosts." He grinned ad the plan started to come together.

_____

Virgil didnt know how much time past. He remembered pushing Patton away from a net, just cor his tall to get caught, he remmebered being hauled up over the ocean. He remembered being out in a barrel filled with water, and a lid being put on with holes so he could breath. But he lpst count of the days and nights he spent in there.

He had given up after day two, accepting his fate.

He could feel a few rain drops through the holes in the lid, and couls hear yelljng do the ship didnt get blown off course.

Then he heard screams for help.

A scream from the water.

That sounds way to familiar.

Pattin was screaming for help. They caught him.

Virgil started to fight inside the barrel, knowing full well that it was tied up so he coulsnt move it or knock it over, but he ahd to try. Patton was in danger. Why wasn't Roman or Logan with him!

He could hear pattin on the ship.

"Thank you, i fell off in the storm."

Wait, what?

He couldnt hear much after that, because there was yelling about a...ghost...ship?

It wasnt long before his barrel was opened and Patton stared st hin in human form. He,smiled and held a finger to hus mouth to tell Virgil to stay quiet. Held helped Virgil out of the barrel and threw him over into the ocean, and Patton jumped in after him, transforming once he was in the water and gathering up his clothes.

"Hey Virgil, long story short, we need to get to the pirate ship."

"But we just got off it!" Virgil said, before coughing. He hasn't used his voice in a while. Patton just grabbed his hand and swam to a different, smaller boat.

Patton helped viegil onto the boat and Virgil saw Roman and Logan standing and facing the other boat in human forms, as if daring them to attack in thus storm.

Patton put on his clothes as he got out some for Virgil. "Ok, short story longer, im so sorry I got you captured! We fixed up an old boat Roman found and came up with a plan to save you. I pretend to have fallen overboard in a storm, they gwt me up, i fins you, Roman and Logan pretend to be pirates on a ghost ship, and we are all free!" By the time he finished talking, Virgil was dressed and then hugged tightly.

"Im sorry i wasnt more careful Virgil...you could have been..could have..could...could have..." Patton sniffles aa he held virgil tight.

Virgil hugged back."im right here pat, i promise, id do it agian to save you in a heartbeat."

_____

The ship turned away from the other and left the storm. Once a safe distance away, Virgil was covered in hugs.

Virgil smiled as he stood and loked st his pirate clothes, "ya know guys...why dont we do this all the time?"

"Uh Virgil, I dont think getting caught is something id like to makw a habit." Roman suggested.

"No, i mean...saving mermaids. You guys have a plan that worked. And with an extra person, you have a bigger crew. Why cant we save more of our kind before we are the only ones left?"

"I agree with Virgil." Patton smiled. "And i like being in the sun." He giggled.

Roman tipped his hat grinning. "And ive been wanting to do this forever!"

They all looked st Logan. The first mate. The logical one. The one who fixes plot holes and makes sure everyone is safe.

He gave a smile. "Well, we have to name the ship first, dont we?"

____

It took a while, but soon, a legend was born for the small crew.

Legends that say that if you are a pirate crew transporting mermaids, avoid storms.

For in a storm, you will come across a ship called 'the Siren' with ghosts on it.

No one knows how many are on the ship. They only know that there are always four who will always be seen at one point.

There is a boy with square glasses and a dark blue bandana around hus forehead. If you see him in the ship, watch him, for if he gets into the water, your ship will sink.

Then there is a boy with round glasses, and a light blue scarf around his waist. He seems sweet, but it will be too late when you realize it is him. He is a spy who boards your ships as crew. He is the reason you get caught.

There is a boy with purple hair and eyes. Much like dark blue, beg that he stays on the ghost ship. If you don't see him, then you must fear everything around you. You never know what he will take. Food, gold, your life, maybe all three.

Then there is the captain, who stands at the end of the bowsprit, sword held at his side. It is said that his eyes are red with the blood of those who he has fought, and if you get close enough to see the color, he will add your blood to his eyes as well.

The legends warns you to be wary of boys with light blue eyes on on your ship. To stay clean of storms. To release mermaids when you see the ship, so many you will live to tell about the encounter.

Legend says that it is safer to let mermaids be free.

____________________

Yes i was tempted to name the ship lamp.

And done! First off, i know i kinda skipped around, but in happy with how thiz this turned out!

Bowsprit: the poll thingy at the front of a ship

Also! Some things i wanted to to say! The crew does get bigger. Some mermaids they save decide to,join, others will stay until they heal if they are injured then leave. Others stay to repay a debt, so the amount of crew members change.

At the end, the legend talks about each side a bit, and i wsnt to explain why i chose to do that the way i did!

Logan is logic. He is smart and you can do a lot of damage (probably) to the bottom of a boat if you know what your doing. He breaks boats (with help from other crew members) to make them sink. But only some.

Patton is morality. He is cute and sweet and he volunteered to be the spy. He joins crews and finds out how many mermaids are on board and finds a way to get the ship into a storm. Sometimes he will disappear from a crew ship a few days ans reappear like he never left. He swims right under it and will go inform the sides about the boat by leaving at night.

Virgil as Aniexty. He causes fear. Patton will tell him were gold is, food rations, and on occasion, jerks who need to be taught a permanent lesson. He sneaks on and steals, throws overboard, does anything to inconvence the pirates.and because well...they are pirates,too, they need money!

Roman is creativity. And he is the captain. And what js scarier than the red eyss he has? He started the rumoe about his eyes himself, and does sword fight on occasion. I just feel it fits him to stand dramatically xD

Part 2:

https://sockpansy.tumblr.com/post/179462778629/gaining-a-crew

[cheezybiouwiou]

archived from that secret q account.

ghosty boiyou are my world, and no matter how shitty the world gets i can't imagine one without youJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou are a part of me, and i know whatever happens, you always will beJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii love you, but the more we're apart and the less i see you, the more i remember all the painJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhatever you say, what your family does, it affects me, and when im with you it will always be like that. i dont know if i can cope, and im breaking inside because i love you, but i know you've hurt me so much and i dont know what to feelJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisome part of me wonders if its too late. you broke me. you hurt me so bad, and ive forgiven you so many times for things youve done that you dont even know you haveJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont love me anymoreJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont careJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boingl it kinda hurts me that you care so much about him? i know not in a loving way, but like you caring so much about him makes me feel like you care less about me, idk maybe im just jealous and selfishJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont want to read anything on this acc bc it will just bring up old pain. nd tbh if anyone found this there would be a lot of painJune 26, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilmao so i just found out the reason i'm suspended is bc my boyfriend ratted my mum out to his parents and my best friend ratted me out to him mum and the teachers and then my mum went ape shit and then they all pretended they didnt?May 5, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boireally fucking hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiand u have the nerve??? u cant remember me or anythin and uve been in such a bad place what since december?? thats 5 fuckin months man that ive been workin my ass off to support u nd help u get through so u dont fuckin die and this is what i get back? honestly im not mad im just really really hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiiodk now that u throwing this shit abck at me its like u blamin me? like boy u were so much worse than me already u were one of the ppl who dragged me into a darker place but i stuck w u bc i loved nd cared nd now ur saying it my fault that u cut and that ur more depressed? bitch i try fuckin hard for u man and this is what i get back? u say i dont care that u alwasy comfort me when i work my ass off to get through to u and help u, when u just then reject me anyways - and proceed to say i dont try and that you want the help?? if you want the help then fuckin accept it ive tried so hard for u man?? vbut u dont see it do uApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou dont actiually want to be with me do you?March 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou make me happy but im sad atm bc i dont wahnt you to dieeeeee nad i just want to be happy and you to be happyMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou make me so happy but i know i dont do that for you. my own insecurities mean that whenever any1 jokes abt anything i take it as real,, im insecure abt everytihng so every joke from everyone hurts me,. i care too much abt what ypu thinkMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont know do you want me??March 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilitearlly no one caresFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one wants me haha!February 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiha im so unwantedFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim not funn yim not smart im not useful im not talented im notmusical iumd fucjkign rpirdjbialedgesd im not a figood friend im nbot wirty i cant do anyithng im depresy wtihotutht e humoisr im eneddy im annoying i dongt get it im a fuckifng burden wso why are yioui still here whenvrber you see these things inothe rpsoelpe you hate htem gfor it wahyt fucking makles m efidferntFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boioyu literally dislike ebverything abtou me tyour jsut blind i dont get tiFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim evenrwyihtg you hate abtout this worldFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihs ill never be fuckign fgoos enoughFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiha lmao u didnt see me crying uwuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiu ran awya from meFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment 3 · Like ghosty boihehe im terrified of losing you for a different reason now but ig it doesnt matter bc u dont wannt me anywasyuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii love you so much i just wnat to help i dont i can tlose youFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihow can oyu say you dont feel and say you love me? i know you feel, you just try not toFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont want you to hurt me but yousoFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiyou lie to me. you dont call it lying but it isFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwonder what it's like to be okayFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii can't carry this anymoreFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyin and yang, happiness always comes with sadness. if you have one you have to have the other. whats the point in feeling and living at all because even if you achieve happiness you will always have sadness. it is always htereFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boione day of warmth isnt worth a year of coldFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihappinesss is fleetingFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhy am i always the one who hads to repaireFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii wihs oi culd he good enoguhFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiic ared about you but all you do is hurt meFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou just use me i dont understand i thought we were friendsFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boievent eh ppl eho care about me thinj uim worhtless, useless, dumb, stupid, weird, fucking djsfhalkdjfhreesstardsedJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhy do you keep reminding me of my insecuriteS? i think everyone does. i shoulf tlak to you about it, but i d onnt want to make you walk on eggshelslsJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiwer both yknow you cousdl do so m uch better htan meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii see it in your eeys, i sese the dissapointment, the 'what the fuck', youer crazy, ur weird, ur rude, ur pathetic, why can yt you be normlak, youe fake, you re not ogod enogumJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiur gonna brkea up with me one dya becaues liets be real inm not oging to do it but you wilwl get sick of me you jsut put up with me atm ur blifnefd by emptions - despite that you can still see im fuvkignJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim just not finny or smart or nice or anyinthig gim jstu not good enoguh nd ikjwo i never will neJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiill never be good enough icoulndt even last a dayJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilmfao i m actually fucking discusintgnJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii knwo im just annoying, no one realyt wants me aorundJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim getting sicjk of peoplke using meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii will never be good enough, i will never be good aerat anythingJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim fugcking sfisdudcisigng im such asuhit firend i dont know anyithng i dony care abt eanyone arenough i dont remmebe ran ythonig im never good enouhgJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boidespite how i present muself i dont feelsihlike a girl i jhate hit it hahtkljeshrkljsdfxklsjg bJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou will never be able to see past being sad that im not talking, see that there may be a real reasoon, because you will be too self absorbed to even realise that im not okayJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boithing is though if i dont help you you you will get all sad and upset (despite ignoring me) and wont even give me the chance to give a reason why, beacuse the reason is im struggling atm as well and need support myself but youre too stubborn to get your head out of your ass and realise that i need help toJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou always ignore me its pissing me off you just use me for when you need me and thats itJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont think ill ever be good enoughJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boimonths. it took monthsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boior is that just an excuse?January 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiits so goddamn sad how you always pull away, but now isnt the time to mention itJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii feel like you dont actally want me around idk it just hruts when you distance urself rom meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one really truyts meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one caresJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisighsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou try and hel[p fuckignf ocus on yourself i want you to live ghoddamnihntJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhats tyhe point in all this imf im judt going to lose you anyayJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii want to be better, and seperately i just want them to be happy nd idc howJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii never actually help lmao they were there for me yesterday when i was falling appart but i cant even help when they are sad or downJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisighs now im wondering if im not good enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii wish i could be enough, but i know i never will be. i know its not personal and i am not upset as such by it, i can accept it. i just am upset for them because i want to someone, something to be enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont even know whats real anymore i cant tell what happened, what i thought happened, what was a dream, what i was hallucinating, what was flashbacks, what i wish had happened i cant even trust myself so how can i trust anyone elseJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim so done. im so tired with trying im so tired with everythingJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim so sadJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii got down bc of ehta they did but that didnt change anythgin they got fuvkin down otooJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii never helpJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim nfuckin uselessJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like

[gayspock]

dont rb/dont rply

i believe im about to be Irritating once more ...... i just. gggod im getting stupid sad and lonely and miserable but im too. too fucking exhausted after being crackhead for the past 24 hours and kinda. feeling horribly sick and ill if anything so instead im just. ruminating and cryin to myself over  dumb fucking shit. me bein all fucking emo bc i feel alone and out fo place. like dont u cry abt that shit  at least Once every fucking night like GOD shut up @ me do u know what i mean. 

but then i dont shut up abt it DO i i just keep crying bc it feels like im never going to belong anmd its just so ANnoying. like.the deep fear that ur never going to Feel Right anywhere & how ive never felt right or safe anywhere. and how thats somehow the most... Pervasive sentiment.... in how its relevant to . mostly people but just. also extends to living situations, security in anything, academic shit and. THEN i end upjust crying because its STUPID  but i dont know i wish. there was something to hold onto sometimes instead of me jsut. freaking out over It All and crying alone  

 and then i Lament on the innumerable times where ive thought that same thing the “you dont belong here! nobody wants you here!” and ive beem exaclty right about the situation- RIGHT to feel insecure- and then start hyperventilating  becaus e it, once more, feels Inevitable that everything will fall apart once more #. and ah dear im going to be left behind!! bc i was never a worthwhile component in people’s lives: but just kind of convenience (at best)  or coincidentally existed in the same place at the sanme time (most of the time) or an active fucking Joke/Spectacle to drag aorund (happens Too Often, yikes) . yet whichever it may  be it jsut f eels like. the stupid sadness of realising the Sheer distance between yourself and others; how ur scared ur never going to properly feel closeness bc nobodys ever going to value u besides courtesy....... then crying again bc u remmeber ur always going to be alone in the end & thinking abt how u will only find some Semblancce of love in your fantasies, where youre less of a fucking. annoying freak & getting sad over exceptionally annoying shit bc then u start feeling lonely in THAT kind of way because you can barely even . handle basic friendships, cant even handle anything right so how do you ever cope with something like that before remembering u jsut never will and its hard to articulate it all and i feel like  speaking of it just gets embarassing bc its so hard to Talk abt it bc it was aggravating to think of llike 10 minutes ago nevermind 10 minutes deep into exactly why you feel Stupid unlovable and how you think ur going to be alone forever but diluting ti down makes it jsut feel like  people will perciebve you as some fucking. idiot whos all dramatic abt things and wont take u seriously and that so, horribly ironically is part of the issue and th

and ten its more of the same . sef-sustaining boring HORSESHIT and its like me@me at LEAST 24 hours ago you were trying to kill yourself have some fucking pizzaz. some fufking showmanship why do you have to go do the EXACT same series of breakdown thoughts every dfucking night like GET. INTERESTING abt it if ur gonna KEEP on AT IT . GOOD LORD. 

[theislanddiary]

These are juat some things I need to say. but before that I want to ask some questions. I’ve always been true to you and thats all I ask in return. Even if you think its not what I want or need to hear.

Do you really still care?

Do you really still love me? even if that type of love has changed.

Because even with our time apart the love I have for you has grown stronger. As much as I try to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer who I was to you, I just cant. The more I try is the more I realise how deep I had feelings for you.

I always believe that people are in my life for reasons or seasons. I think you had a reason, but your season isnt over yet. There was a time i woud sit at night and pray for someone like you. You are everything I have ever wanted in my life. I simply cannot ask for more in someone. And I thanked god every night that he led me to you.

And even if our love has gone dormant, like plants that go dormant for winter, I’ll continue to water and take care of you in hopes that it will bloom next spring.

Having the time to think about us and our progression, I really don’t think that the situation was the sole facor in this decision and I thought back to anything that woud have happened that may have the possiblity of contributing to it.

I found that there were really some mistakes on my part which I now really regret, and I want to apologise to you for them. Theis may not be all, but its what I can remmeber while writing this, and I’m not asking you to forget they happened, but I am asking you to forgive me.

(most of these things I believe we have settled and gone past already, but I am still remourseful)

I’m sorry for making you late for work that one time.. or maybe 2.

I’m sorry for leaving you alone on our first cristmas together.

I’m sorry that I never did my hair in the way that you liked when I was around you.

I’m sorry I didnt cook for you/ with you more.

I’m sorry for over reacting when you went out after christmas.

I’m sorry for getting annoyed during your moving process.

I’m sorry for pressuring you to make plans for new years

I’m sorry for making fun of your home in front of your friends.

I’m sorry for having you and Jean Luc in the same place and allowing him the opportunity to be stupid.

I’m sorry that i made the horrible mistake of referring to you as those 2 words.

I’m sorry that I was honest with you through everything. - honestly sometimes I think if I lied or hid things that we would still be US.

I’m sorry that we moved into this too fast

I’m sorry I didn’t give you more opportunities to be superman

I’m sorry that I caused your friend to ask questions.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t understanding enough of you not coming to celebrate my birthday at the time.

I’m sorry that I caused you to doubt my trust.

And I’m also sorry for anything that I’ve left off this list.

This wasnt supposed to be a one more chance conversation but I cant help but think that there’s something more to us. I dont know if you’re feeling the same as I am but I do miss you a lot. I still think of you in everything that I do. And thats really hard for me because I have to constantly remind myself that we’re not the same. Even the other day when you were telling me about your study/travel/life plans there I was telling myself well I could help out with this and that, already mobilising in my mind to be there for you. Then I remembered… 

I know the value of having someon on your side while going through studies. I’ve always wished I’ve had that person. During my last studies and looking into the future one thing I’ve wanted was someone I know would be there through thick and thin. Just that little extra support to push me through. I dont know if you share the same view but thats where I saw us going next. (all of this is what I would have prayed for in the person)

Sometimes during my day something funny or good happens and i want to pick up the phone and call or message you, but then I dont. Because there’s a part of my mind that thinks you hate me and that I annoy you and that youre trying to get away from me. A part of my brain that I wish I could shut out.

I do honestly miss the little things like that I had with you. I miss just spending time with you, epecially our fridays when I would pick you up from work and we would have to come back up in that traffic, sometimes not saying anything, but stul lthe best traffic ever. Then getting to cuddle up to you at night, after our movie or dance parties.

I know you built the wall to save you the ‘heartache’. but I can assure you I never intended to hurt you, never did and never will. And I’m fuly aware that if anything was to happen between us again it would take time, and I’m here for it. I’m willing to put in the time and effort to make us great again. As I told you that night I wont give up on you. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is there were a lot of good times ~ Remember the good times~

And maybe all we need is just half a chance, maybe a second look, or half a glance… 

Even if we don’t get back to us your well being and prosperity will always be in my prayers. And no matter what paths we walk in life I hope you remember me. I hope you remember that I’m here for you and I love you… I always will.