#and because I got such wonderful feedback on discord and people were saying I should…I’m gonna make this into a keychain!!!

[skeleton-beneath-this-skin]

Myogi’s Black Lightning 🖤⚡️

[nagisasstunningpersonality]

TINSITOGS, a retrospective (happy birthday)

(yes I’m like two days too late I know I’m sorry) 

Why hello followers and ass class fandom, nice to see you there. I’m sure MOST people know about this, but in case you don’t, hi. On AO3 I’m better known as livixbobbiex, writer of maybe one of the most infamous Assassination Classroom fics. 

Which I mean like, if you haven’t read it yet you totally should it’s fanlore at this point I promise- 

Shameless plug that I don’t need aside, I felt that, on its first birthday since actual completion, I just wanted to share some things about it. Some tit bits about writing it, fun facts, maybe even some author advice TM. I appreciate that it’ll be super annoying if I do that in the tags, though, so that’ll all be under the cut. If you don’t want to read the whole post, then no matter what, thanks for the support in general! 

I also want to take the opportunity to announce that I’ve reopened my discord, so if you want to talk about my fics with me (and others), you’re more than welcome to join! (the link is here) 

The origin story 

I’ve stated this many times, I think, but TINSITOGS was never supposed to be a serious story. Taking you back, quite a long time, it actually started in a facebook DM with a friend. We used to come up with “head canons” with each other, which were basically just very condensed fanfiction plots over a multitude of text messages. I believe I was trying to cheer her up, and I tried to come up with some kind of plot line. 

At the time, I was fairly fresh to the Ass Class fandom, and I was joking about how there were no teen pregnancy melodrama fanfictions. It wasn’t that I wanted one, I just thought it was strange for a school centric anime with a bunch of ships to NOT have one. And, back then, I only really cared about karmagisa. So I just decided ‘right it’s happening’. The reason I decided to make it ABO was due to ‘it making sense’. Fun fact: it was almost written as AFAB trans Nagisa, but I decided against it as I didn’t rate my ability to handle it well back then. Looking back on it, I’m glad I made that decision. 

Over around two months, writing out the plot of this story took over my life a little bit. I had no idea where I was going with it, but I was having so much fun with the drama that I decided that Karma and Nagisa shouldn’t get together soon at all, and I had a lot of fun teasing my friend with the ‘will they won’t they’. It was only when I got bored that I invented this intense drama plotline to finish it all off. 

That period of time was a lot of fun. And whilst that friendship didn’t end well, I still have a lot to thank her for. She chose Daichi’s name because I had no idea, and she wanted to annoy me because I didn’t like Haikyuu. When I couldn’t decide on his hair colour, the purple was her suggestion because ‘why logic?’ Daichi speaking Korean was because of how much she liked Kpop. She even helped me choose the title of the actual fic, so there’s a lot you can thank her for, honestly. 

After I finished that story, though, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Whenever I daydreamed, I used to think about that damn Daichi Akabane, and how much I wanted to tell his story. I’d even come up with extra stuff to fill in a lot of the gaps, and developed his character in my mind. I decided that I was really desperate to write it down. Usually that worked when I had an idea I wanted to work through. 

I wrote the first chapter in late 2017, and then the next two as well. I just, kept going, and realised that I could go further still. TINSITOGS was never something that was supposed to be shared, but I decided I may as well. After all, that fated ‘teen pregnancy drama’ fic still didn’t exist, and I thought it would be funny to make it happen. 

Yes, as I’ve stated publicly a few times, TINSITOGS was a crack fic. If I wanted attention from it, it was infamy. We even joked about me cursing the fandom if it ever became the most popular fic (whoops?). What I wasn’t expecting was a bunch of people, in a fandom where at the time there were NO ongoing karmagisa fics and it was pretty dead, to really seem to enjoy it. It was enough to have me keep writing it, at least. I still don’t know at what point I actually started taking it seriously, but somehow I did, and the rest is history? 

The reception 

In my wildest dreams, I never thought that I would be the author of one of the most popular fics in the fandom. To this day, the amount of views TINSITOGS has is insanity to me. For the record, across all platforms it’s on today it has 238,000, which is literally a number I can’t even visualise anymore. Almost quarter of a MILLION. To this day on AO3, it’s the most viewed Ass Class fic that’s an ACTUAL ass class fic (the others are multi fandom compilations). So yeah, I achieved the original goal, I guess? 

Now you might be wondering, “omg the karmagisa fandom is fujoshi trash”. And, considering the origins, it is kind of funny. The thing is, though, TINSITOGS was written at incredibly good time. It was written when there were, essentially, very few long form Karma/Nagisa stories. If any other fics did get posted on occasion, they were usually just oneshots. I was also, at that point, writing very fast. A symptom of ADHD is becoming obsessively productive over certain things. Since I was able to get a 3k chapter out every few days/once a week, TINSITOGS was consistently bumped to the top of AO3′s default view. And some of those first few chapters were altered canon, and transcribing the canon dialogue didn’t take very long. The more views it got, the more people would read it out of sheer curiosity. 

I think it also helps that, at least after it started getting some positive feedback (which was honestly after the pre written chapters), I purposely tried to make it ‘not terrible’. I mean, I personally think the first chapter is pretty weak and if it wasn’t somewhat iconic to a lot of people I’d rewrite it. But in general, I purposely tried to make the world of ABO my own, to make it more accessible to those who don’t like that genre, and stay away from the inherently grosser stuff as much as possible. I genuinely do get comments about how I introduced people to the genre as a whole, still not sure if that’s a GOOD thing but hey, it happened. 

TINSITOGS turned into a lot more than just a joke. It turned into my favourite hobby. It turned into a research project (honestly, you would not believe the amount of mummy vlogs and legit scientific articles about child development I consumed). It turned into something that, at least I believe, was widely loved. 

Meaning 

I think it might be wrong to say that I don’t have AN idea of when I started to take the fic super seriously. For me, it was around the time someone commented something along the lines of saying my writing meant a lot to them, that they’d spent all night reading it and had been unable to put it down. 

Not to get too dark here, but I do have a past in writing a very long, somewhat popular fic (it’s still on my fanfic net profile if anyone’s interested, but I don’t recommend it). However, in the latter part of my teenage years, the depression struck. Writing was the love of my life, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore. Maybe I’d be able to muster an idea or even a chapter at the best points of that, but I’d never completely finished any story. Starting to write again was a huge step in my recovery, and one of the reasons I convinced myself that life was worth it was being able to impact someone’s life somehow. Even to this day, I still remember the fics I read when I was, like, thirteen. How much I still remember them, and how much they meant to be at the time. I wanted to be that writer for someone else. To be honest, it was actually Yuri!!! On Ice that got me out of the super bad, but I still never wrote anything of real consequence. TINSITOGS was the first time in a long time I actually committed to something. 

And, to be completely honest, there were a lot of times I was tired of it, and wanted to just quit. But, the thing was, I felt like people depended on me in a way. I got so many comments that were just FILLED with support, telling me how much they looked forward to every update. It wasn’t just empty words, either, a lot of the times these comments would be super engaged with the actual writing. I can’t even describe just how much they meant to me, how much I would look forward to reading everyone’s opinions. And then discord happened, which was a lot of fun. 

TINSITOGS went a lot further than I ever thought it would. There were comments, discussions, fan art, fan FIC (which is honestly incredible to me). Someone even added it to TV Tropes, at one point. Not to mention the Cards Against Humanity deck and quiz It makes me so unbelievably happy that I could inspire that much creativity, but it’s a two way street. It was all of that which inspired me to write, too. 

Writing 

The only real goal I actually had was aiming for around 3000 words per chapter. I had a whole facebook log of plot points as planning, and I was mostly just trying to expand on them into prose. I honestly thought that, at its completion, the entire fic would be around 100k words, if that. Not, at one point, being literally the longest ass class fic on AO3. 

There are a lot of aspects that were directly adapted from the original messages, and I tried to stay faithful to it more so at first, even if I later removed some of the pure crack. But the style was also vaguely similar, with the story being told mostly from Nagisa’s perspective with swaps to Karma when it made sense. All the main plot beats, too, are pretty much identical. The plus to this was I was able to add a lot of really fun foreshadowing, and I feel like it’s a fun reread because of it. 

Honestly though, if there’s a demand to release those OG message logs, I will. Mostly because it’s kind of funny, and interesting to see. Isogai and Nagisa were engaged at one point, even. 

Obviously, it changed somewhat. 3000 was the minimum length, and the time to completion was whenever it felt right. One of my big concerns was about pacing, so it took a lot more fleshing out and maybe ‘filler’ content for some of the main arcs to work. 

There’s parts of TINSITOGS I don’t think aren’t written that well, and some that I’m still super proud of. I think you can definitely tell there’s a gradual shift in style, and I get a lot more comfortable with writing them as characters as it goes along. To be honest, my pride for the fic overall is what it represents. 

It is funny to think about the places it got written in, though. I started it when I worked at McDonalds with no life direction, then it went through my first year of university with me. It’s been written in at least four countries. Aeroplanes, night clubs, long haul buses, a train through the Japanese southern coastline. Even the start of covid. TINSITOGS managed to see a lot. I even turned a scene in (the boat scene during the India chapter with altered names) to my university as a legitimate assignment. 

There were also a few messages I wanted to achieve, once I realised I had the platform to put them across. One of them was, obviously, ‘use protection kids’. It was important to me that I didn’t glamorise it too much, and I think that came across. I also wanted to dispute some of the issues with ABO, and subvert the consent issues as much as I could. An arc I really ‘liked’ writing was how abuse doesn’t always look the same way, and that it can be a drawn out change in behaviour. How the most important part of ‘being a good parent’ isn’t perfection, but genuinely loving and doing the best you can for your kid. How love doesn’t solve everything, and effective communication can take a very long time to learn and build a functional relationship. I mean, there definitely was a lot I tried to put in, and you’re free to interpret it all how you want. But, I like to think some people learnt some of these things, at least. 

Daichi 

Honestly, Daichi developed almost of his own free will. I had a good idea of his appearance, and that he was smart. Writing him from birth until around nine years old (older if you read the sequel fic) pretty much allowed that fluidity. It was really fun to explore a nature vs nurture development, and let his own characteristics speak for themselves. 

He’ll always have a special place in my heart. 

This is the first image I ever made. When I was trying to figure out what Daichi looked like, I honestly just edited Karma’s hair (pretty well, actually? I’m impressed with my past skill). That’s where the ‘he looks just like Karma’ meme kind of came from. 

This was the first image I actually created of Daichi. I THINK it was on rinmaru games mega anime creator or something, but it’s literally not available on the internet anymore as far as I can tell, so I can’t double check. This was in the pre-piccrew days. His eyes are closed because they didn’t have the right tone of goldish/silver.  

His sister, Kaguya, didn’t even exist originally, even though I decided on that ending pretty early on. Actually, she was going to be called ‘Irina’ due to some hijinks. Initially, when Karma found out about Irina’s pregnancy, she was going to get super emotional and mad at him and basically force him to name his first born daughter after her. Karma agreed to shut her up, never intending to have another child, so when the surprise second child later came along they had to live with the pain. However, to be honest I just forgot to write in the actual scene that set it all up, and I decided against adding it anywhere else. The name Kaguya was a very last minute decision, and it was a chance for me to explore some ideas that didn’t fit with Daichi’s character. 

Interestingly too, Daichi and Nao were never intended to be a thing. I only decided that towards the VERY end. Even though the reason I named Nao that was because of a ship I had in a J Drama (Good Morning Call). It just kind of ended up happening because I won myself over with imagining the cute. 

The music 

I used to write with a lot of background music, though not all the time. Particularly towards the start, there was a lot that didn’t really make sense thematically, yet I would write to a lot. 

Here’s a link to the spotify playlist if you want it it’s basically all the ones I noted I’d listened to a lot. Not including the smut ones, though, I have a whole playlist for that. 

Some of the notable ones: 

Five String Serenade - the first scene I wrote of the entire fic, in Chapter 25 New Year Time where they fell asleep cuddling. 

Cosmic Love - when I wrote Nagisa’s love confession scene in hospital (I also wrote this pretty early on) 

Northern Downpour (though it was actually a cover by Emma Blackery) - The chapter after Daichi’s born (30) 

When The Party’s Over -  Confession Time Third Period, Chapter 69. I literally listened to this song on REPEAT when I planned and wrote the kind of ‘break up’ scene, and it’s one of the few parts that made me cry writing. 

Turning Page - I know I said no smut, but this song actually gave me the idea to have the “I love you” in chapter 108 be less on a whim and actually more built up. In the original plan, Karma really did just say it without thinking. I’m glad I changed that.  

Bury Me Low and Numb - pretty much all I listened to when writing the last few chapters, because Evil Nagisa core. So much so that Bury Me Low was in my top 2020 songs rewind. 

As for the title, there’s actually quite a funny story. I had no idea what to call the fic, and when that happens I usually just try and find some song lyrics. I really wanted to use something from ‘October’ by the Broken Bells. Not only because it’s my favourite song (has been for years), but thematically it really worked. The issue was, it worked as the WHOLE song, there were no individual lyrics that captured everything. And, if they did, they didn’t flow very well. And naming the fic ‘October’ would have been weird for a lot of reasons. There Is No Sweeter Innocence That Our Gentle Sin really was just plucked randomly, in a desperate search to find any snappy lyrics from any song that had some kind of meaning. After a bit of discussion, we settled that it kind of worked... if Daichi is innocent and they committed a sin or something. It also wasn’t the most obvious lyric from the song (Take Me To Church if anyone doesn’t know) so I just went with it. It works out, I think, because TINSITOGS turned out to be a pretty good acronym and pronounceable word in its own right. 

The merch  redbubble drama 

It’s a well known fact that I’m not very good at art. However, I decided to try pixel art because it seemed the easiest to not mess up. I made Karma and Nagisa, before deciding to also give Daichi a try. 

This, to this day, is the only good quality art of Daichi that I actually own. The only one I’m actually happy sharing and thinking it doesn’t look terrible. As much as I love people sending me fanart, it’s not ‘my property’, right. 

So, I was kind of joking about TINSITOGS having merchandise. At first I just made two funny quote things, and uploaded it to redbubble. I was never intending to actually make money from this, and I’d agreed to myself that if I did, I would just donate it to charity. I was joking with the quotes, but since I had this artwork I figured I may as well uploaded. Separately, there was also an image that had pixel Daichi next to pixel Nagisa and Karma (which I also created). 

Aside from showing up in a few people’s adverts across the internet, there was no real harm with this. In fact, I didn’t make money anyway. It was just... more the joke of it existing. I did, however, buy myself a Daichi phone case, which is one of my favourite possessions. 

The funny ‘drama’ comes in when they got taken down due to copywrite. Sure, the one with Nagisa and Karma, I understand. But the other three literally had no mention or anything to do with Assassination Classroom, aside from being from a fanfiction. So basically, someone who owns those rights claimed my OC as theirs. Which makes Daichi canon? Whatever the case, I found this hilarious don’t worry. 

How has TINSITOGS changed my life? 

This is quite a strange thing to think about. Because, in a lot of ways, it really hasn’t. As I’m sure a lot of people know, I don’t really consider myself to have any real ‘fame’, despite the impressive numbers. Whenever I tell people in my personal life, they seem to think I’m some sort of internet celebrity, but that’s never been the case for me. I mean, it’s hardly a cultural phenomenon. 

In a lot of ways, I’d much rather befriend someone than have them admire me. Possibly because being someone’s inspiration is kind of weird... I’m just an awkward duck who likes to write after all. I don’t mind it, though. I genuinely find it an honour, even if I don’t necessarily agree. I also want to take this time to say that if anyone ever wants to talk or message me, you’re more than free to do so. I’m usually super casual with people who do that, I promise. 

TINSITOGS was the first story I ever finished in the way I truly wanted to. Start to end, a full narrative. And it took a LOT. There were so many times I almost felt like quitting, or took super long breaks. For me, ADHD queen, actually finishing something was a huge deal. And I know I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t owe it to everyone who read it, and myself, to see it through. You know like, if I were to die tomorrow, at least I’ve left something behind. 

In a lot of ways, it’s changed me for the better. It’s helped me develop my writing styles, and way of thinking. It encouraged me to become more active in the fandom, and develop some important friendships. I always feel like my Tumblr and Fanfiction ‘known’ factor is separate. I think most of my Tumblr following is more to do with my theories/Japanese context research if anything, for example, but I know I wouldn’t be so interested in that if TINSITOGS hadn’t lead me to deeply examine character and really look into analysing source material for clues. I also think there’s just... a lot of myself in it. 

I was 17 years old, when I first came up with the idea. I finished the story when I was 20. Now, at the time of writing, I’m 21. That time has seen some pretty significant changes - just in general life facts and my own personal human development. For me at least, a lot of that was pretty turbulent, and TINSITOGS stands as a time capsule for that, in a way. 

I know I gained a lot of confidence, and it affirmed to me that writing is what I love. Telling stories and sharing them is what I love. 

Conclusion

Do I think TINSITOGS is an outstanding piece of writing, or the best fic ever? No. I really don’t. It’s strange to say because I definitely spent a lot of time on it, but it’s not like I put my full unbridled efforts into the story. I don’t fully plan, use a beta, or even read through on my own. And that’s okay - that’s not what I write fanfiction for. Fanfiction is my place to have fun with characters and stories I like, without the pressures of having to stand on my own complete originality. Yes, I’m fully confident that I can write at a “higher quality”, if I really wanted to. I’m also aware that some authors put their full effort into their fics, and that’s just as valid! 

It feels odd to say this about my own writing, but I honestly think there’s just something in this story. It might not be written in the best prose ever, and the premise might be kind of dumb for a lot of people. But, I think, there’s some part of this fic that managed to grab people. Somehow, at some point, many readers get captured into the emotions and so drawn in that ‘they just have to finish it now!’ Again, I’m not sure myself how I actually achieved that. Of course, that won’t apply to everyone, but I do feel there’s some truth in it. And it makes me happy, to have caused that. 

If TINSITOGS is your favourite fic, or if you genuinely think it’s the best story you’ve read, then thank you. I really appreciate your support, and I’m happy to have been a part of your life, I guess. I know how much fanfics can mean to a person, and that’s why I’m not going to take it down, or edit it at all. And it’s fine too, if you loved the fic for a while and moved on -i t happens. Whatever the case, I’m very honoured to have been able to occupy a moment of your life. Or if you find this fic in 10 years time, even, I still wholly appreciate you. 

This story was incredibly important to me, and thank you for reading if it was ever important to you too. 

You may ask, what now? Well, this is only intended to be a detailed look back for whoever’s interested, and it’s likely the only one I’ll actually do, a year after completion. Of course, if you ever want to ask me anything or just discuss the story, you’re honestly good to contact me in whatever way I have available. 

I’m still writing my ongoing stories, of course, despite taking a small break due to the university work load. I fully intend to complete the stories I’ve already started to tell, at least. After that... I’m not sure if I’ll still write fanfiction. Don’t panic, this isn’t a ‘I’m quitting writing’ thing. I may, however, have bled the Karmagisa genre a bit too dry at that point. Who knows? I am pretty interested in writing something original for once, so maybe that’ll work out. 

For now, at least, thank you to anyone who read this fic. To anyone who commented, liked, or interacted with me over it. To anyone who created or learnt from it. I’m really glad that I got to share this story with you all, and ultimately left some kind of mark, no matter how big or small. 

Happy birthday, TINSITOGS. I had a lot of fun writing you. 

[kindofwriter]

Hey there! My group of friends have been hardcore considering turning a passion project of ours into a real podcast, and I was wondering if you had any advice for newbies putting together a show. We’re a small, young team, but we have a lot of passion for our concept and some writing/sound experience under our belts. Do you have any tips regarding finding actors, the process of plotting, sensitivity readers, or anything else you’ve had experience with in your projects? Thanks for reading!

Ok, finally ready with this! Thank you so much for the question, I will try to share my ~wisdom~ in the following post, but feel free to ask any further questions!

How to start a podcast: 1. when you’re new and/or 2. when you have money!

1. It’s easier than you think! My first advice is to just go for it! Even if it doesn’t quite go as planned you’ll have fun, and it’ll give you great experience for whatever you want to work on next!

Casting:

I’m going to assume this is an unpaid project (hence the former part of this advice being for free podcasting!) but if that’s not the case please skip to section two!

When I can’t offer any form of payment for a project I like to use friends as a cast. Not because my friends deserve any less payment! But because I can pay them in free chips and credentials for their portfolios, and it makes me feel slightly less bad!

Ways to go about deciding which friends to cast: I was lucky enough to do a lot of theatre work in my first year of uni, so I already knew a lot of people who were interested in both acting and production work. You’ll probably come across several actors who think voice acting is beneath them, but who wants to be friends with those people? What I’m trying to say is: if you have friends who are interested in theatre they’ll probably be interested in this! Especially given the past year.

I also poached people from my DnD group, because I could already gauge their acting specialities from that, and I knew what kinds of things they were interested in based on which DnD campaigns they enjoyed best.

If you know anyone who is interested in public speaking, whatever you all those reading awards where you read aloud dramatically, or something like radio and TV presenting then they’ll probably also be interested and do a great job! The great thing about podcasts is that all you really need is someone with a good voice - they’re free to do whatever they like with the rest of their face as long as they’re reading the lines!

You can, of course, also put out a casting call. It’s very important that you make it clear that it would be unpaid work. Even if you plan to set up a kofi, patreon, or kickstarter (info in the money section!), if you don’t have the money to begin with you shouldn’t promise it to people.

There are up and downsides to both. Casting people you know means you’re more likely to be comfortable working with them, there’s less pressure to offer payment, and your cast are more likely to have free time specifically for this project. However, you won’t have the draw of casting known industry voices, and (like I found!) your cast may not have any social media engagement whatsoever!

If you put out a casting call you’re more likely to get a pool of diverse voices, it will likely be people invested (even if not plugged in) to the industry, and you can request that they have their own equipment! However, you then have to work with people you don’t know, a level of professionalism that isn’t usually present on first time projects may be expected, and unpaid casting calls are not wildly well received.

Personally, for your first show, I’d try to use as many friends, or even friends-of-friends as possible. That being said, if you want advice on putting together an audition pack let me know!

Plotting:

It depends on what kind of show you’re aiming to write, but in general plotting a podcast is kind of like plotting a TV show. First of all you should plot out what’s going to happen in a season. Then plot out what’s going to happen in each episode. Ideally each episode will have its own arc, but things don’t always work out like that.

I like to plan things out in a fair amount of detail beforehand (this is especially helpful if you’re writing collaboratively.) Start with what’s going to happen in each episode. Once I know that, I then like to write how it starts and finishes, then the content in bullet points. If you ever can’t think of anything then don’t worry! A lot of things really come together when you’re actually writing.

The most important thing is to not worry at all about the first draft. Just get it down, editing is much easier and more fun once you have something to work with!

There are definitely much more qualified people than me out there giving advice about writing and plotting though; even if it’s directed at prose and script writers it’s still more than applicable!

Sensitivity readers:

If you have the option of sensitivity readers they’re always a great idea! But asking someone to read your work (usually for free) is both time consuming and potentially risky if you don’t know and trust them.

Tumblr, the writeblr community specifically, is a good place to find a sensitivity reader. A lot of people want the practise and are willing to do it for free if you put a call out.

One of the best ways to get feedback on your work is to cast/find people who are appropriate for the roles and then ask for feedback. Obviously they don’t have to, but you’ll find that usually they want to. You can aid in this by giving them some way to give feedback anonymously - maybe a google form - as no matter how chill and friendly you are as the prod team you will always be seen as In Charge.

If you don’t feel right asking someone, especially from a marginalised group, to read and comment on your work for free, you can always just ask general questions in forums or on social media. This isn’t as reliable, as people can lie online, but if you find the right communities and explain you just want to portray characters as accurately as possible there will always be people willing to offer some help. Reddit, for all its flaws, builds great communities, though remember to check the rules to make sure people outside of whatever group they’re aiming to support are allowed to post.

Of course, the first step to writing anything outside of your own experience is a tonne of research. The sensitivity reader should be picking up on small things, not telling you the basics of their experiences. And everyone’s experiences are different, which makes this even tougher! You can get things so spot on for a handful of people whilst inadvertently offending others. Be prepared to be adaptable and take on criticism, but also remember that you don’t have to bend to everyone’s whim; one person saying ‘but this wasn’t my experience!!’ doesn’t mean you’ve done a bad job.

Equipment:

I know you didn’t ask, but this was what I found scariest when I was Brand New.

If you have the money and you’re very serious about this I haven’t encountered a single person who wouldn’t recommend a Blue Yeti mic. However when you’re just starting out, and especially if you’re not planning to have all of your cast together record together/separately but with the same mic, blowing over $100 on a mic is huge, scary, and not always feasible.

I have three small desk mics that I loan out to my cast when needed. They cost ~£30 ($40) from (ew, I know) Amazon. You don’t need a mic for each cast member - you don’t even need a mic for the max number of character speaking in a scene at once. You could probably do it all with one mic, but the time that would take and the affect it would have on scenes may be worth the extra cost! These obviously don’t produce the crisp quality a professional recording mic would, but they have a pop filter and a windscreen and seem to do a good job at reducing background static.

Further noise reduction: Mr Alexander Jalexander Newall, when starting his podcast empire half a decade ago, got it in one: blanket forts.

If you can build a little fabric den for your cast to record in: perfect! If not, tell them just to stick a duvet over their head. This increases the risk of moving duvet sounds, but reduces everything else! And if they shift under the blanket you can always ask them to get comfortable then read the lines again.

And, info courtesy of the McElroys: you can also record in a wardrobe or a room with plenty of bookshelves if you don’t want to build the world’s most bangin’ blanket fort.

The most important advice you will ever receive:

Don’t be scared to ask for help! Join Facebook groups and ask questions! Join discord servers! Message people on Twitter and ask for advice (certain ppl are much more amenable to this than others, but this is pretty clear from their Vibe)! Heck, you can message me on Twitter (or here. Or send another anon. And if I don’t know the answer I’ll ask someone who does!) Everyone just wants to help everyone else, and if they don’t they’re probably not the kind of people you want to associate with. Good luck! And let me know once you socials are up, so I can follow and get excited!

Now, onto 2. Money stuff!

A lot of the info stays the same, but money kind of raises the stakes. Once money’s involved, especially once money and people you don’t know so well are involved, suddenly you have to operate like a business.

Casting:

If you’re planning to pay actors proper wages from the get-go you probably want to put out a casting call. Paid work will attract professionals, and professionals will not only do a great job, but will also help you gain an audience (and have their own equipment!)

You get to decide what the hourly rate is, but usually, depending on where you’re from, there is an average hourly rate voice actors get paid, and if you’re nowhere close to that people will be put off.

You should also make clear what the hourly rate includes: whether it is just recorded audio hours, or includes table reads and directorial time. A lot of people just have every actor record their lines separately, sometimes without direction, then edit them all together. This certainly saves on cost, and makes for a quick turnaround, but it’s no fun, and sometimes makes the show kind of soulless.

Kickstarters:

You can run a kickstarter on an unpaid project, in the hopes of eventually paying the cast and maybe funding future seasons. But I’m going to assume this is advice for ‘I can pay the cast, but what is a kickstarter for?’

Well, that’s up to you! It can be for equipment, for better editing, for podcast music, for podcast art, for a pay rise for the team, for bonus content. Depending on how many stretch goals you have, it can be for all of these things!

In short: backers give money, and get things in return, for example $5 might get you a pin badge, while $100 might get you a signed poster. When the kickstarter reaches a certain goal, maybe $5,000, then the team may then have enough money to produce a holiday special, for example. At $10,000 everyone on the team may get a 10% pay rise.

This is a great way to get people invested in the show, and a great way to make money! But if you want a really great kickstarter you’ll probably want to hire someone with experience in this area.

Contracts:

Money means contracts! Usually two will suffice, they just need edited for each individual team member:

An NDA, to prevent people from discussing the show in any inappropriate situations.

And a literal workplace contract.

You’ll be able to search how to draft these online, but it’s useful to have the help of a lawyer. There are people who do this specifically for podcasts who’ll be able to help you out, but again: you have to pay them!

Equipment:

As I said, actors will probably have their own equipment, but if you want them all recording together: you can rent a studio! They’ll already have all the equipment for you, which is The Dream!

Or you can convert a room into your own studio! Get some soundproof panelling on the walls and invest in a good mixer. I’m afraid I don’t have much advice on this, as I cannot afford anything close to a good mixer! But there are plenty of articles online with helpful information.

I wouldn’t recommend making a paid podcast as your first project, as it’s a lot of pressure, and would almost definitely mean bringing new people onto even the production side of things. There’s always the option to work on another project first, something smaller-scale, to work out any roadblocks you may run into during the paid show. But I’m not telling anyone what to do: if you’re ready, go for it!

Anyway, this was very long and quite rambly, and is probably filled with things you don't actually need to know! But I hope at least some of it was useful! Please feel free to ask any other questions - now or in future, PM or anon - and again: best of luck! I'm so excited for you!

[of-all-irrelevance]

@luxoracademy @luxorstarters @luxorgossip

Dear Luxor,

I am writing to the current members of Luxor and to those who might be considering joining. I'm writing this because I have things to say, and I've been quiet for far too long. While the admins may write me off as a member burned, I hope at least one person can take me at face value, because I am here to tell my story.

I joined Luxor on May 17, 2020. However, it was not an easy process. The face claim I wanted to use was rejected as being "too old," despite that face claim having copious amounts of resources from when he was younger. At the time of my application, the rules regarding face claims were that they should have played a high school character before, which my desired face claim did. I had to fight to use the face for my character that I wanted to, and while I was successful, I was often scared to use resources that were in the time frame deemed acceptable by the admins, but that I was afraid they'd see as too "old". And this is a fear that I've kept until my last day as a member of this rp. I am still afraid that I may be issued warnings or other forms of cease and desists for using a resource for my character.

Despite the initial trouble, Luxor seemed like a great place. So many of the members I met when I joined were wonderful and welcoming except, funny enough, the admin team. The only thing I received from them upon joining was a link to the Luxor Discord server. They never introduced themselves, and only one of the admins included a very basic "welcome!" message upon my joining the server. 

So while I was plotting with and getting to know the members, the admin team gave the air of being aloof and untouchable. Trying to reach out and plot with them, would result in a message or two every two weeks. And then nothing would ever come from it. I'd start threads and reply to threads with the admins, and they'd end within 4-5 replies if they ever got a reply at all. The rules of the role-play prohibit "bubble rp," but there's no one in more of a bubble than the admins.

Before this is written off as an unfounded claim, despite trying to plot with Admin Mimi for months, my first ever dash interaction with her was on October 21, 2020. That was more than five months after I joined the rp. So, for anyone considering joining and wondering about plotting with the admins, I'd suggest another rp, as these admins don't plot much outside their clique.

And yes, I called it a clique, because that's exactly what it is. Some people are in the "inner circle" and included in a private discord server with the admins, and surprise, those select people and the admins rarely plot outside themselves for anything. A thread started outside the clique, will more than likely be abandoned after one or two replies, if you see any replies at all.

Beyond their clique and bubble, the admins have a growing history with power trips. The first was on July 25, 2020, when the admins created a firm rule about the role-play's secret aspect. We were told that we were no longer allowed to speculate amongst ourselves. Honestly, that took a lot of the fun out of it. It was fun to speculate with others, see if they guessed our own characters' secrets or not. They created a rule; however, that stated that only two characters could know a secret of another character. Depending upon the secret, that is potentially impossible to maintain. But it limits characters from having ties to others in their past when the secret may have originated if two other characters already know the secret. The rule came out of nowhere and seemed very arbitrary. It was an unnecessary bid for power.

Then on October 7, 2020, the admin team decided to temporarily shut down the role-plays Discord server, under the guise of making the rp more inclusive. They asked for member feedback and thoughts and concerns. I, as well as others that I know of, gave them a list of concerns that we had. I can't speak for their concerns, but mine went largely ignored. I had issue with one of the members that were a part of the admins' clique, and the response was rather that they seemed untouchable, as if they couldn't possibly be making me feel like the rp was an unsafe environment. This was not the first time that I brought a concern that I had about this member to the admins, and it was the not the first time that they disregarded my concerns, as the things that bothered me weren't "against the rules."

Most recently, the admins created a new rule on December 15, 2020 about starters. The rule is unwieldy and dictates who a character can and cannot interact with. By forcing members to reply to three threads per character in order to do a single starter call, they remove the ability for some to role-play closed starters from more than just the few people they reach out to. I did bring this concern to the admins, and they all but wrote me off. Personally, I am a full-time student with a part-time job. I can barely maintain four threads per character. This new rule made it impossible for me to do a starter call in any capacity, severely limiting my ability to role-play as I have been doing for months now.

However, my issues aren't just from arbitrary and overly controlling rules. The admins have also accused me, personally, of things that I won't go into as they concern other people as well as my self. I received a warning for something they took on hearsay. It was reported to them by someone that had a falling out with myself, and the action itself supposedly occurred during a voice chat. Now, there is no way to prove a conversation over voice chat without a recording, but that's not the point. The point is that I was given a warning without the admins reaching out for my side of the story. They took the other person's word as fact, and didn't consider to hear both sides before issuing warnings. I wasn't the only to receive this treatment either, but that's not my story to tell.

On December 28, 2020, the admins began what is essentially a witch hunt. They received what they perceived as hate. In my opinion, what they received was simply a statement of an opinion of their members. However, they began this witch hunt, asking for members to accuse other members of sending these messages. This, like most witch hunts, ended with the accusation of someone innocent. This innocent is a dear friend of mine, and it hurt to see them hung out like a witch for the world to see with little to no proof. Seeing this, I know it's completely my time to leave. I cannot stay in a place that breeds hostility and threatens private conversations and feelings to be become public spectacle. 

So now we're here. This is my official withdrawal from Luxor Academy. To potential new members, I hope at least some of my words prepare you for what kind of place this is. This all said, I want to be clear that it is not the whole admin team that are powerhungry. It is the two main admins, Nora and Mimi. I have had very little good experiences with them to share. To Yo, thank you for trying, and I appreciate you as the only sane admin on this rp. To my friends, I still consider you my friends. If you ever want to talk or even do a one on one role-play over Discord, you know where to reach me. Just because I'm dissatisfied with Luxor's management, does not mean I think less of my friends.

Further, upon completion of this letter, it has come to my attention that a member of this rp, someone I thought was my friend, or at least friendly, shared my personal medical information with the admins, without my knowledge or consent. This speculated information was taken as a screenshot and sent to multiple other members, something that caused me to have a panic attack. Having my information circulated like this is the very last straw. Luxor is an unsafe role-play environment, and anyone thinking to join, please think very carefully.

Sincerely,

A Former Member

[orchidbreezefc]

OH SHIT YALL ARE WE PUBLICALLY TALKING ABOUT THE SHIT THE KFAM CREATORS PULL? IS THAT A THING WE’RE TALKING ABOUT NOW? I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

first: im not going to go into issues i have with the show itself. yall heard the helen keller episode and the walt storyline/the character voice a white dude used for him same as i did--my input won’t be necessary there i think. i also recommend the blog @kfam-tea​, thank you for your service, for being an archive for creator-based shit, the current snafu and their history, etc.

this is about my personal experiences with the creators. there’s plenty of behavior by the FANDOM that i don’t appreciate, especially in the official discord--where it’s specifically encouraged and cultivated--and maybe i’ll indulge myself with that in a separate post, but this i think will be more relevant to more folks’ interests and the current climate.

so. remember ep90, “if you’re hungry and you know it”? it’s the one where maggie calls in to apply and gets treated like shit by our protagonists for 15 minutes. comments are made about her breasts. they try to dissuade her from applying for the job posting they’ve been advertising because chet would sexually harass her and rather than address that they’d rather just.... warn off every female applicant? maggie through the conversation is trying to make amends for her wrongs (i.e. high school drama and attacking a guy who sexually harassed her so badly for years she quit her job) and talk about her efforts at recovery, and she is mocked, both in the way she is written and in the way sammy and ben talk to and about her.

it was bad. it was very sexist and bad, and nothing was said about it for a month (7/15-8/15), at which point ep92, “words: greater than pen, greater than sword” aired, which contained lily tearing sammy to shreds over it. ben wasn’t there, which was interesting, because it did create a dynamic where our resident socially aware lesbian (who solely bears the burden of educating people when they are being shitheads and is richly rewarded by being widely regarded as an unlikeable bitch by the fandom and many of the characters) rightfully confronts and gets an apology from a gay man for being half of an extremely misogynist shutdown of a woman. meanwhile, his hetero counterpart and unassailable purehearted fandom darling is not yelled at for his misogyny, and gets to have this Very Important Lesson relegated to him offscreen later. i mean, presumably? i’m pretty sure we never hear whether that actually happens.

still, it was a pretty thorough discussion of how gross that conversation had been, and it was addressed and apologized for in the show itself by the characters (or one of them), which was more than i expected. it regained some lost trust. it was clear to me that the kfam team had received the same sort of outcry from the fandom that i had seen in more private servers, and these were their amends. i decided to tweet at them applauding the effort. this is how that worked out:

[ID: a tweet by me that reads: “@ KingFallsAM hey.... today's episode was good. this was a good way to respond to fan criticism and the apology is appreciated. thanks.”

the official kfam account quote tweeted this to respond: “This was an intended storyline, we don’t course correct. We have ALWAYS had imperfect characters that learn and grow and will continue to. Also... we only saw one tweet even mention it. But thanks?“

a fellow fan, whose username and icon have been redacted, replied to the official kfam account’s response with: “I feel like there’s a less sarcastic way to respond to this tweet. I’m a diehard fan, however I saw quite a bit of criticism about thesexism[sic] in the recent episodes. I too was under the impression that it was a course correction, regardless I am glad that there is character growth“]

so. that was a cool thing. like, i do owe that other fan my life and will show up for them in their hour of need for being the only one to publically stick up for me despite being a stranger, but that sure was a quote tweet that a multi-thousand-followers account used to dunk on my under-100-followers account for trying to pay them a compliment!

i mean, really. the passive-aggressive ‘but thanks?’ at the end? and them saying not that they didnt course correct in this case where followup (a month later) was planned, but that they don’t course-correct, as in they never do that--was a clear statement of ‘we don’t accept fan criticism or feedback on writing OR representation and take it into account, ever’. hey kfam, pro tip: when you say 'thanks for accepting our apology i guess' it really sounds like you didnt feel like you needed to apologize in the first place. which is a pretty bold attitude to take about an episode where a character apologizes for being sexist.

like no wonder you only saw one tweet about it if that’s the attitude you present toward criticism (and, as @kfam-tea​‘s blog thoroughly proves, it is and has been, consistently). i know the risk of backlash is definitely why i hadn’t said anything about 90 in public up to that point. but yeah, 'nobody told us that episode was disgusting in our samebrain discord server that contains the literal creators who have a history of backlash, so can you really say there was fan criticism at all? maybe it was just in your head. after all, if we did something wrong with the intention to correct it a month later, did we really do anything wrong in the first place? checkmate'

tl;dr im not surprised by the new developments. my hearts go out to the MINORS, who are specifically cultivated as an audience by the sfw policy of the official server, who were publically chewed out by the grown ass author on twitter for requesting tags, warnings, or really any sort of discretion or consideration at all on nsfw content.

p.s.: here’s something kyle said on the discord in response to a conversation in which i criticized ben’s behavior during an episode (i.e. said he should apologize and take responsibility for a hurtful thing he did even though he did it by accident, or at least have it acknowledged in the show or the fandom that he did a hurtful thing--another post, perhaps) and the rest of the discord dogpiled me until i cried and shut down and stopped defending myself or speaking at all because i couldn’t deal with inviting any more argument:

[ID: a discord message from kyle that reads: “Thank you all for talking about this maturely and with your words. I’ve personally never seen that heard[sic???] of this scene with that POV attached but that’s the beautiful thing about this show and shows like it, is[sic] that we all kinda copy & paste ourselves on these characters and situations at times. Everybody’s opinions on the situation is[sic] valid with their own personal context of the scene.” two people have reacted with blue heart emojis.]

how magnanimous, kyle. wouldn’t have described the preceding argument as civil even if i did understand how anyone could possibly do anything on a discord text channel that didn’t qualify as using their words, but thanks? somebody literally DM’d me to ask if i was okay because without having ever talked to me one-on-one before they could tell i was deeply distraught by the end, but i’m glad you got to be the benevolent author and shake hands with both sides for a swift shutdown of dissent well executed. /s

[moonlightpirate]

Chapter 7

Okay time for the interview of the strange man they found inside the greenhouse! Will they finally get the answers they need to find Elizabeth? I’m open to feedback! This one was a bit of a struggle to write thankfully had my one discord friend to help me through it! 

Tag list: @aureatemoonshine @queen-paladin @neptunium134 @bluesfortheredj

Okay just saying next week I'm hoping to post my next chapter so get caught up! :)

Please let me know if you want to be added or removed from my taglist :)

Chapter One  Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four  Chapter Five  Chapter Six

“Ma’am they got Charles!” Vince shouted, running into the room. 

“More like the idiot got himself captured by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Simone scoffed, sauntering into the room behind Vince. Elizabeth was semi conscious and fought to stay that way so that she could listen in.

 “They got closer than ever to finding out where we are though! Now with him in custody they are sure to find us sooner rather than later.” Vince replied nervously.

 The old lady sighed and rolled her eyes, “We WANT them to find us. Do you think we are holding Elizabeth here just for laughs?” she asked, glaring at Vince.

“You should be nervous if my father is close to finding me.” Elizabeth spat at them. The old lady stood up from behind the desk she had been sitting behind and grinned maliciously at Elizabeth.

 “Oh honey you should be more worried about yourself than you are about us. Don’t worry dear I’m not actually afraid of your father.” she chuckled as Elizabeth slowly passed back out.

It was late when they finally returned to the station. Everyone was itching to interview this strange man but agreed it would probably be best to wait until morning. So the next morning they gathered together to discuss a plan of action. John stared at the suspect board trying to think of the best angle to go about interviewing this man. 

“Well Gavin, I feel it would work more in our favor if Nelson and I lead this interrogation.” John stated. "We need to be careful since this man is our only lead."

“Yeah I suppose you’re right. Maybe we could try like a good cop bad cop type routine. You guys start it off as being on his side and if he doesn’t really cooperate then I can step in and try the bad cop type routine. Or does that seem cheesy?” Gavin replied.

“Yeah I think that could work out. I want to make sure we figure out who he is and what his connection is. I have a hunch it is Charles Jennings since you seem to recognize him. But let's head down and get this going.” John said, turning and heading for the door. 

They reached the interrogation room and John looked over at Nelson to make sure he was ready to put the plan into motion. Nelson quickly nodded and opened the door for his superiors. They found the man was leaning back in his chair looking rather smug. John noted that the man was tall and thin and had short black hair, he noticed there weren't too many other prominent features about him though. 

“Hello I’m Detective John Barnaby and this is Sergeant Nelson. Behind us is Detective Troy, he will be listening in and possibly ask a few questions. Though may I ask what your name is?” John asked, as he and Nelson sat down at the table across from him. 

“Shouldn’t you already know what my name is?” The man replied smugly, his eyes watching Gavin lean against the wall by the door. 

“Well how about you refresh my memory then.” John suggested. The man’s smile turned a bit malicious causing Gavin to start to tap his foot nervously.

“Well the name is Charles Jennings. Happen to ring any bells there Troy?” Charles chuckled, watching Gavin’s body tense up. 

“What do you mean by ‘happen to ring any bells there Troy’?” Nelson asked curiously.

“What are you asking me for? Why not ask the man himself?” Charles retorted. 

“Seriously none of this has anything to do with Elizabeth! Let’s focus on why we brought him in eh?” Gavin snapped, moving so that he was hovering behind Nelson and Barnaby. Sensing Gavin’s building anger behind him John decided to keep moving forward with the investigation. 

“He’s quite right actually. I’ll ask him about that later, how does that sound Charles? Now what can you tell me about this woman.” John asked as he slid him a picture of Elizabeth he had gotten from Gavin earlier. 

“Yeah she looks familiar. Though she’s not my type if that’s what you’re asking.” Charles replied. He had sat up a bit more and didn’t have quite as smug of a look on his face since Gavin had snapped. 

“Yeah she has the wrong body parts for you.” Gavin muttered under his breath.

“I’m not showing you this picture because I think she could be your type, but because I believe you helped aid in her kidnapping.” John said sternly, ignoring Gavins retort. He watched Charles stiffen a bit in his chair with a concerned look rush across his face. 

“What makes you think that I was the one who kidnapped her?” Charles replied, trying to keep his cool. 

“We didn’t say you were the one who kidnapped her per se but more so that you helped whoever did.” Nelson retorted. Charles began to squirm in his chair a bit, clearly becoming more nervous. 

“A little birdie told us that you and an Angela Wentsworth had a hand in releasing some people from prison. How about you tell me about that instead?” John hopped in hoping to keep Charles focused. 

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Charles replied, his eyes beginning to nervously look around the room. 

“Well you better find that idea. We have proof and witnesses who say you do have that idea.” Gavin shouted, slamming his fist down on the table. John glared up at Gavin, starting to reconsider the good cop/ bad cop method seeing as Charles was getting more nervous.

“You guys make it seem like this is what I wanted to do! Like I’m the evil mastermind!” Charles stammered. He had seen Gavin’s anger before, but not quite like this, and he didn’t want to push his luck. 

“Okay so can you confirm that it is Angela at least? We are just looking to help the woman in the photograph.” Nelson pushed. 

They all watched as Charles nervously started to tap his food and play with his shirt. He was obviously trying to decide what to tell them. Gavin huffed and resumed his pacing behind John and Nelson, trying to calm himself down some. 

“It was her idea………..she had changed……..she wanted revenge! She was after Cully at first! But then she heard Cully was pregnant…..she was just going to leave it all be…..but……” Charles stammered. Nelson looked over at John curiously wondering where all this was heading. Gavin had stopped pacing and stood frozen waiting for Charles to continue.

“Well go on. But what?” John finally said calmly. Charles shook his head no as his eyes began to grow wide. 

“Well will you at least confirm this ‘her’ you keep referring to is Angela?” Nelson inquired again.

“I….I can’t. If she found out…..I just….NO.” Charles stammered.

“Seriously?!” Gavin roared, pushing John and Nelson out of his way, “My daughter's life is in danger and this crap is all you’re going to give me?! Every second I waste in here with you is a second that I could have been one step closer to finding Elizabeth! Can't you at least confirm for us that it is Angela?”. 

“Alright perhaps we ought to take a quick break, let everyone calm down some. Nelson can you take Gavin back to our office while I wrap up here?” John quickly intervened. 

Nelson quickly stood up and put a hand on Gavin’s arm and gently ushered him towards the door. After they left John smiled back at Charles. 

“I apologize for his rage but I ask you to take some time to collect your thoughts and be ready to answer my questions next time we bring you in here.” John stated, motioning to the officer in the room to take Jennings back to his cell. 

Meanwhile back in their office after a bit Nelson finally decided to break the silence, “Sir are you doing okay?” he asked.

After a few moments Gavin let out a sigh and responded, “They’ve been apparently following me for years wanting this revenge. Honestly I fear for what they have in store for Elizabeth because of their rage. We need to do something and soon to find her.” 

“Well how about you give Tom a call? He may be able to give us some different insight?” Nelson suggested.

“Yeah you're right that would be a good idea.” Gavin replied, pulling out his phone to dial Tom. 

Tom was also shocked and uncertain about what they had learned. He was also becoming more annoyed seeing as it had been almost a week since Elizabeth had been kidnapped, and they were nowhere near being closer to finding her. John managed to step in at the last second and discourage Tom from coming to help them, much to Tom's dismay. 

Later that night, after everyone was asleep, Gavin sat at the Barnaby’s dining room table trying to find some sort of clue that could possibly point him in the right direction of where his daughter was being held. Finally, just before day break, Gavin jolted awake from having passed out uncomfortably at the table. He had been having a dream that he was sure had just given him the missing piece of the puzzle that he needed. Excitedly he ran upstairs and woke John up, eager to get back to the station and look up contact information regarding Ian Eastman.

[unforth]

Hi there! I absolutely loooove the destiel fic collection and think that it's a genius way to expose fans to fics that might not always get as much attention on fic recs and when searching on ao3. I was thinking of trying to create a similar collection for another fandom and was wondering if you have any tips? Or if there's anything that you wish you knew when you started it? Thank you!

Hi!! Just for openers, sorry I didn’t reply to this yesterday, my mom’s basement flooded and took with it all my writing time, sigh. ANYWAY. On to the topic at hand. How to make a “faves survey” for another fandom, and have it resemble what I’ve made for Destiel? Well, here’s what I’ve done, hopefully some of it will be applicable to you...

1. This is the most important part: Do NOT let it become or be perceived as a popularity contest. Never release the raw stats (except perhaps to a small number of people who you trust to help you). Never announce a “winner.” Never share a ranked list. Never act as if more votes equals better. Never ever suggest in anyway that your purpose to find “the best.” Treat people and fics who get one vote with just as much fanfare as people and fics who get 50 votes. I do release a “top 20″ list just because so many people asked, but even then, it’s in alphabetical order, and meant more as a snapshot. Encourage people to vote for their favorites that aren’t already in whatever collection you end up making, and encourage people to vote for things they don’t usually see on rec lists. Aim for an expansive range of types of fics being voted for, and make it clear - no ship shaming (or secondary ship shaming, if yours is ship-based like mine, rather than being general to a given fandom) or kink shaming. 

2. Keep the survey super simple. People don’t read complex instructions, and they’re not going to want to rank lists or anything like that. You can see the one I use here. Feel free to emulate it, copy it, modify it for your own purposes. I used to just do boxes but people would routinely put in way more than 5/10, and while I didn’t really mind the extras, it greatly increased the amount of work I had to do, and since the survey routinely gets a couple hundred replies that I go through, I decided to make it a little harder for people to go over the limits. Don’t bother asking for people’s names or trying to validate the results. I’ve tried. People don’t want to put their names, and validation encourages people not to submit...AND doesn’t prevent cheating...so is really pointless. Just keep it anonymous, after four rounds I can say...that works best.

3. And, speaking of people going over the limits, and cheating...people will cheat. No matter how clear you are that number of votes don’t matter, no matter how much you insist that whatever data you’re collecting will only be used in so-and-so a way...you will spot people “cheating,” for various definitions of the word cheating. People who vote for their own works. People will submit multiple surveys. People will “ballot box stuff” for their favorite(s). People will list more than the maximums you’ve asked them to. People will submit works from other ships, and - though it’s never happened to me - if you make it fandom-general I’ll lay heavy odds at least one dumbass will submit for some other fandom entirely. It happens in different permutations every time, some more obvious than others, but it happens. And the conclusion I reached is...so fucking what? In the end, since the idea is to highlight as many different great works as possible...screw it. Let people vote for themselves. Let people ballot box stuff. Let people submit multiple surveys, or list more than whatever maximums you’ve set. In the end, since every work is treated as equal and one vote is worth as much as a hundred...if they’re cheating to up the vote count, it’s irrelevant, and if they’re cheating to vote for more works, then yay! more works to include! and basically the only thing I’ve found that reduces cheating is to make it absolutely clear to people that I’d really rather they not but ultimately I can’t stop them, so do their thing I guess? And it does help. I got less cheating each time I do it, or at least less that I’m able to catch lol. (as a side note - the one exceptions is the “works for others ships.” Those you can see listed on the “INELIGIBLE” sheet of the spreadsheet I link below, but I don’t add them to the AO3 collection.)

4. Spreadsheets are your best friend. You’re going to want some way to organize the data you’re collecting. I’ve got a public version of the sheet I use that you can see here. It’s pretty similar to my “private” version, except the private version includes actual vote counts, separated by which time(s) I did the survey that the work in question got votes. I mostly use that data so I can do comparisons over the years (“this year X works were added to the collection that were never in it before!”) and because I like numbers. However, depending on how exactly you plan to use the data, you may not even need to tally vote counts, and you could do one that’s more similar to my public version. Also, if you make an AO3 collection, you’re going to want some way to track which works you’ve invited, which have been added, etc., cause otherwise it’s just a nightmare to keep track of. (a little more on this later).

5. Decide how and where you’re going to share your data - as an AO3 collection? As a public spreadsheet? On social media? Maybe you want to make a side Tumblr just for it? Or a Discord server? etc. etc. Like, I’ve got a pillowfort group (though I hardly use it) and a channel in a Discord server (thanks again to the PB folks for making space for me!) with the AO3 collection being the main portal. You want to make sure that it’s advertised enough that people know it exists, and also be prepared that short term you’ll hear basically no feedback on whether people use it, and even long term it’ll be once in a blue moon and suddenly eight people will be like WAIT YOU’RE THE PERSON BEHIND THAT THING I LOVE THAT THING. In that respect it can feel a little thankless but I’ve definitely found that people do use it, it’s just that there’s no real way for people to let YOU know they’re using it (and, honestly...good? This isn’t really about us, after all, it’s about all these fic writers, the goal is to bring attention to them, not ourselves, we’re just a go-between for the writers and the readers.)

6. For making an AO3 collection, you’ll have to invite every single work individually. Some people have their accounts set to auto-accept invites, but otherwise whether the work actually gets added will depend on the authors. Some people will never accept the invite. Some people won’t know how to accept the invite. Some people will accept the invite and then subsequently remove their work. Some people have left these parts completely and will never even see the invite. That’s why it’s important to track who has added and who hasn’t, and periodically double check it (I double check every six months or so). For the people who don’t accept the invites for whatever reason, you can bookmark the item to the collection. HOWEVER, if you do this with your personal account, every single one of those bookmarks will be listed under your personal AO3, which is why I ultimately made the Faves survey its own account - it’s entirely to facilitate bookmarking. You can also use the “Bookmark External Work” feature to link to works that aren’t on AO3, and to tag them to whatever extent you want to. Here’s some examples of how I chose to bookmark external works.

7. Things will inevitably get complicated. Authors will change their names. People who do the survey will use shorthand you’ve never heard of for some fic you don’t know. People will misspell things and you’ll either recognize it even with the typo...or you won’t. People will vote for things that list eight different ships and you’ll have no idea which one is endgame. People will vote for things that have been deleted, or they’ll tell you it’s definitely on AO3 when it’s not, it’s on some other platform. The list of random things I’ve had to deal with is stupidly long and I’ve probably forgotten even more. Just...roll with it. Do your best. Ask for help (“Someone nominated a fic abbreviated as ABC to the collection and didn’t give the author and I have no idea what it is, help me Tumblr!”). And in the end, if you’ve done everything you can think of and you still don’t know...let it go. It’s just not that worth worrying about. And sometimes if you step away and look again in a few days you’ll figure out another way to search and it’ll pop up. But honestly I’ve got a handful of works I still haven’t been able to track down, and that one work that someone submitted that’s only available in Finnish and is explicit and behind a log-in wall on a small independent Finnish-only fic archive...well, I spoke to the author and confirmed the work exists, but otherwise...whelp, it’s not linked, and I did my best. That’s all you can do.

8. No matter what you do, someone somewhere will probably get upset about it. The first time I did the survey, when it got the most traction, I actually got a little hate, and I got some anons who were like “oooooo did you know that ~x~ is cheating” and I had a little “HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY FAVORITES WHAT ABOUT MY PERSONAL FAVE?” and just...decide how you’re approaching the survey, and stick to your guns, and if anyone is a douche, hit the block button. And, related...

9. Transparency is most important imo. Not transparency for vote counts obviously, but transparency for what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, and what you hope to accomplish. Make sure your goals are clear from the start (mine weren’t that first time, hence some of the problems I encountered) - if it’s to highlight as wide a range of works as possible, say that. If it IS to pick a favorite, say that too. Just be clear, and honest, and above board, and it should work out okay.

10. Side note...one of the saddest things about all this is that if you do it over an extended period you’ll see authors deleting their works. As such, I personally chose to download every work that gets a vote, that way it’s at least preserved. I then expanded that into a much larger archive that I’m still adding to all the time, trying to save as much Destiel as possible. But then, I’m an archivist at heart, whether you want to branch out in that kind of direction is up to you.

...okay, that’s everything I can think of. Hopefully I didn’t scare you too bad. I don’t know what fandom/ship you’re looking at but for perspective...first time I did the survey I got about 400 replies, and then the next two times it got about 200, and this most recent time it got about 300. I chose to do mine annually, on the assumption that gives some time for people to come and go for fandom and a lot of new works to get created, and I deliberately timed it for about a month after the biggest fandom event (the DCBB) that generates fics, to give people time to read those fics and consider them in their voting. For me, that means I happen to run the survey starting on January 1st, and I keep it limited to 15 days, since usually it tapers off anyway. But you could try experimenting with different schedules, or leaving it open all the time, etc., it just depends how much time you want to devote to monitoring and updating it. For me, I mostly want to do a big burst of work and then not have to think about it most of the rest of the time, lol.

So...questions? comments? thoughts? wanna tell me I’m dead wrong? I’m all ears, lemme know how I can help!

[msbluebell]

Hello, I'm that anon who requested DoubleTimeTravel au! I love your writing so muuuuuch and i just can't wait for your new posts. I wonder in what horrible way these two idiots finally release that they both have memories of future xDDD

Thank you so much honey bun!!! To be honest, I kinda love doing these asks. I like writing fic (I even have an AO3 account), but I love speculating what I think would happen in certain scenarios even more. And I love getting feedback from you guys too, makes my day (I should start a fe3h or dimileth speculation discord or something). I’m so happy you guys like my posts, it makes my day to see people happy because of them.

Now, on to the ask. 

How do these two idiots finally realize they’re both from the future? Probably in the most absurd, dramatic, way possible. Possibly also with the added benefit of terrible timing.

I’ve already broken their two separate attempts to fix the future up into two teams, Team Truth and Team #FuckRhea (coined by Jeralt and attempted changed by Seteth when he later joins). So I imagine that it would happen when the two of them run into each other at the most inopportune time while investigating.

But, lets do something more fun. Let’s throw in romantic tension to the mix.

That’s right, I’m talking the Goddess Tower.

I imagine that the both of them tried to sneak off while everyone else was distracted so they could go spy on Rhea, just to accidentally evidence block one another and have to force themselves to escort each other away while trying desperately to come up with excuses why THEY aren’t at the ball. Dimitri, a terrible liar, is fumbling over himself like he’s obviously holding back a secret. He is, but Byleth isn’t thinking “investigating Rhea”, they’re thinking something along the lines of “...is he...no...no he’s not the Dimitri I knew, he doesn’t...”

So there’s a lot of miscommunication going on, and they end up at the tower, and there’s a lot of tension in the air as they fumble around trying to say something. They’re both in love, they both don’t know the other is in love with them, the tension is thick, the air is romantic, there’s music spilling in from the ball, and they both know what being up here means. Dimitri tries to steer clear of the conversation he had with the professor last time, knowing that ended pretty poorly, and tries to too make light conversation about something else...

But maybe saying the ball is very nice was the wrong topic, because now they’re talking about dance partners, and Byleth just asked if he danced with everyone he wanted to, and that answer is definitely a “no” because he has NOT danced with Byleth tonight. He tries to deny there’s anyone he wanted to dance with, but he’s a terrible liar and it’s pretty obvious he had someone in mind. Byleth, for their part, get’s their very first taste of jealousy for a split second. But it’s only for a moment, and they don’t know how to process that, so they move on to saying that they danced with a lot of people tonight. To which Dimitri, a more self-aware bean, get’s his own medicine handed right back to him and gets a pike of jealousy. 

Then it goes into who they danced with tonight, and Byleth mentions Claude was their first dance tonight, and that they danced with Edelgard at some point. Dimitri jokingly mentions that maybe they should dance too, so Byleth will have danced with all the High Lords of Fodlan tonight.

He realizes his mistake as soon as the words leave his mouth. But it’s too late, Byleth is already looking at him expectantly.

And so they dance.

It’s just the two of them on top of the Goddess Tower, the starts are shinning against them, and the music is playing softly in the background. It’s just them, swaying in peace, no one around to disturb them. It’s a soft, quite, slow moments, and they both looks...very lovely.

The kiss was an instinct. Dimitri didn’t PLAN to do it, it was an accident really. He got caught up in the moment, and what a very romantic moment it was, and he’s wanted to do this every since Byleth came back to life that they in this very tower, with the sunlight haloing them like they were salvation given form. He’s wanted to do this since that night in the rain, when they reached out their hand and he finally took it. He’s wanted...

He pulls back and apologies, that was very inappropriate of him, Byleth is his TEACHER, and he didn’t ask, and he’s so, so, sorry. He completely understands if Byleth never wants to speak to him again, or transfers classes, after this. And Dimitri had no right, especially after how monstrous he’d acted when they were reunited...

...and then Dimitri realizes that he accidentally made himself sound like a delusional by accidentally outing a future event to his professor while fumbling out an apology.

And that’s how Byleth finds out Dimitri is from the future. Because Dimitri is a romantic disaster. 

Dimitri finds out because Byleth outright says, “I’m from the future and got sent back after being stabbed by Edelgard” right after Dimitri outs himself.

[banishedfromirk]

I really feel like my interest/passion for Zim has just died lately. This wasn’t something that built up or anything like that - it just happened, and I was actually afraid this might happen. Part of me was always 50% about returning to the fandom, while the other was 50% was against it. I was worried about going back to the fandom because it was quite toxic back in the day. I dealt with some nasty people and I was driven away from the fandom due to them. While my experience has been much more positive, it’s mostly the antis this time around that have prevented me from wanting to indulge into this fandom as much as I originally wanted to. Not that I give a shit about them - I just don’t have time for internet drama anymore. I’ve basically ‘been there, done that’. I just wanted to go back to the Zim fandom to enjoy it, instead it’s just the same garbage over and over. I’ve even feared posting for a while due to accounts being mass reported. Antis suck the life and joy out of everybody.  I don’t feel comfortable as I did when I originally returned and bad memories constantly resurface. There’s people I just don’t want anything to do with on here, especially ones with venomous attitudes (the whole ‘ZADRs DNI or I’ll break your kneecaps’ type of shit). Tumblr’s blocking system is such a joke. Even third party apps are not enough to hide some people's posts I really don’t want to see. I just want to enjoy what I love and be happy doing so for once, not have to face the drama and negativity on a daily basis. It’s got to a point even ZADR doesn’t make me feel happy anymore. Anything Zim related even. I cannot handle constant strings of non-stop negativity from some people in the fandom as well and it’s draining me mentally to the point I’ve started avoiding the fandom and anything Zim related in general now. I live with severe anxiety disorder and have been seeing a psychologist because my anxiety gets to a point I can’t even walk outside to get my own dog sometimes. Seeing the drama and negativity of the fandom is not what I need or want to associate with. I started the year of positive and returning here makes negative feelings/vibes return, hence long periods of breaks/silence. While I’ve made a wonderful friend in the fandom since returning that I hope to speak more to this year, I just am not prepared to deal with only being liked for ‘Zim art’. I have other fandoms I enjoy. I feel like I’m just wasting my time trying to interact sometimes because nobody answers and I get scared to even post other art I want to share because I just think it won’t matter. If it’s not Zim related, people won’t even bat an eye. I don’t want to only be cared about for the sake of Zim artwork and I feel that way when I’m on here sometimes. I’m not trying to be petty or anything - it’s just obvious to me as a long time artist. I’ve been in the field long enough to know that if you want something to work out, you have to please the audience above yourself and well... sometimes I just want to please myself I guess. I put out a lot and rarely get back. That includes supporting people. I think if I were to remain in the fandom, it would be for my own sake and happiness. I don’t have it in me to want to make friends anymore because I’m sick to death of trying to be supportive only to be ignored or used in return. Last summer I spent a night trying to help somebody that had major depressive issues, I stayed up crying and making sure they didn’t harm themselves because they kept hinting at it and worried the hell out of me, and instead I was thanked by being flat out ignored straight afterwards despite them begging for my friendship and to join their discord server. I’ve not spoken to them since because I don’t take too kindly to those sorts of attitudes and eventually I did call them out on it. There’s people I want to be friends with but I just don’t have it in me anymore, to either be supportive or to want to make friends. People leave me on read so much that I just gave up. I’m guess I’m just happier keeping to myself and sharing my artwork. My trust has been damaged over the years by being lied to repeatedly, so I’m selective about even wanting to talk to people in general. Hell somebody crossed a line with me recently by telling me something extremely inappropriate then started saying they would prove I could trust them. Just... no. I guess what I’m saying is please don’t take it the wrong way if I don’t respond or don’t talk much - I just don’t have it in me to and if I see constant strings of negativity it just drives me away. I’ve had too much negativity in my own life to deal with. By that I don’t mean I don’t care to answer messages - I just mean that I can’t hold long conversations like I used to be able to. I have little energy. As for my Zim fic, I don’t know if I have it in me to continue with how I feel now. I see how many people have read it but little feedback makes it hard for me to gauge how people perceive it and if I should continue. Maybe this will pass but right now I’m sure not feeling any reason to want to continue. I’ve felt happier/better focusing on my other stories, honestly.  I really do hope this passes. My spark for this fandom has dimmed quite a bit. If it comes back around I’ll delete this eventually. Sorry to sound negative but I feel apprehensive about remaining in the fandom and I can’t shake it. :(  If you have any positive vibes to send my way, please do so. Maybe Zim will grow on me again. :(

[nona-gay-simus-main]

How To Collect and Organize Beta Reader Feedback

As some of you might know, I previously wrote a full draft of my currently untitled m/m romance novel and got through an almost full round of beta readers before I decided to scrap it and start again, nearly from scratch and with a different premise (It went from two timelines - first love/second chance to a single timeline - enemies to lovers).

Out of nowhere, I decided to start rereading and reorganizing my feedback in hopes to find something that would be useful to me in my current draft. Originally, I just planned to delete everything that wasn’t relevant, but a lot of it was really cute and funny, and I mean, I did write a full book - even if it wasn’t all that good - I at least deserve to keep my feedback from it.

Before I went on this endeavor, I foolishly believed that there’s no wrong way to collect beta feedback and boy, oh boy was I wrong! So I’m here to tell you the wrong ways and the right way. But first, let’s revise our terms:

What is a Beta Reader?

Beta readers are readers, who would be interested in picking your book off the shelf if it were already published. That means you should already have a pretty good idea of what is your genre and age category is. There’s no such thing as a ‘fiction book for everyone’. While certain books might have broader appeal, all books have a target audience. So figure out yours. 

The reason to know this from the start is two-fold. First, obviously to know how and where to market your book. Second, different genres come with different expectations and you really don’t want to piss off your core readership. You’re not going to be able to please everyone, and if you try, you’re likely to end up pleasing no one. So while it’s definitely a good idea to look for diversity in your beta readers, you should probably not be looking for genre diversity. 

I’m gonna let you in a little secret: for the longest time, I had no idea I was writing a romance novel. Part of it was that I really just hadn’t read a contemporary queer romance, so subconsciously thought that (contemporary) romance was for the straights only. But the bigger part was that my story just wasn’t well structured so I had no idea what the main conflict was supposed to be. And let’s just say... that didn’t exactly do me any favors when I was trying to get people interested in reading it. You can’t really amp others up about a project if you don’t know what the project is about.

Not only that, but I had a cp/beta reader who while wonderful, wasn’t a romance fan, so there were several points where I felt frustrated with their critique because I felt they simply didn’t like certain conventions of the genre. And that’s not their fault - we were just not a great match. Still appreciate working with them, but I know better now.

Where to find Beta readers?

You can find them anywhere. Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook groups, Discord servers and so on. Just look around. I assume you’re writing your story because you want to read something like it, and if you want to read it, someone else probably wants to read it too.

How to collect Beta feedback?

I normally use Google Docs or sometimes Word. Chapter by chapter is definitely best. It’s much less overwhelming to try to read 10 pages than 210.  Copy/Paste the chapter in a new document and send it to the beta, after warning them for any triggers or squicks that might apply. 

If you’re using Word, send the document over email. If you’re using Google Docs, share it with their email. Make sure to share it through email and not create links (like me), because it’s much safer that way. If you share it, only the person with the access to the email can see it, if you make a link, anyone with the link can see it. Again chances of plagiarism are minuscule, but still.

On Google Docs you want to give them Comment permission. That way they can make comments in the margins and any edits they make will show up like Track Changes on Word. If they are using Word and making edits, simply encourage them to turn on Track Changes. 

Encourage betas to make comments while reading, on everything that they liked, disliked, found confusing, or anything that made any impression at all. Even if’s just ‘lol’ or a keyboard smash. Sometimes those are the best comments to read!

But also keep in mind that not everyone will do that. That’s why I always have a questionnaire or do an interview with the beta. Questions tend to prompt people into organizing their thoughts a bit. Because I’m nice, I’ll share my questionnaire with you, (it is actually an adjusted version of @jennamoreci​‘s questionnaire from her beta readers video here:

1. What is your overall opinion of the chapter? 

2. What do you think of x character ? 

3. What is your favorite scene/part/line and why? (You can pick more than one.)

4. What is your least favorite scene/part/line and why? (You can pick more than one.) 

5. Are any parts confusing or unclear? 

6. Do you think there’s anything specific I need to improve or fix in the chapter, whether it’s the writing, the charters, plot, setting, etc.? 

7. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the chapter? 

8. On a scale of 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the next chapter? 

9. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much are you enjoying the book so far (not applicable to chapter 1)?

10. Do you have any predictions? 

12. Do you have any other comments, thoughts, suggestions, or advice?

You can also add questions specific to the chapter, especially if you are already worried about a particular aspect of it. You should also ask their opinion on every character who shows up in the chapter.

I prefer to put this questionnaire at the end of the document I send to my beta reader, that way I’m sure they won’t be accidentally spoiling something with my questions and they can go over it right after reading instead of waiting for our schedules to match so we can have an interview. It’s a bit of a copy-pasting game, sure, but ultimately it takes no more than a couple of minutes. I would discourage you from having the questionnaire in the same document you are writing because it might end up messing with your word count, and lie to you that you’ve written more words than you actually have.

Afterward, if you need any clarifications on their answers, message the beta on their preferred platform - for me, that’s usually Discord, sometimes Twitter or Tumblr - to ask for clarifications. Sometimes you can also explain what you were going for, especially if the beta had a question, but don’t overdo it. You don’t want to seem argumentative. 

Oh, and be sure to thank your beta readers. Don’t forget they are giving up their time to help you for free. Nothing annoys me more from a beta reader perspective, then to not receive even a form thank you. 

How to Organize Beta Feedback?

So this is the big one. After you receive your beta feedback, address all the small things you can like typos and grammar right away (unless you’re already pretty sure you’ll be deleting/rewriting the scene) and mark stuff, that they’ve pointed out is badly phrased, etc. for later. Then delete irrelevant feedback, like one-word answers or ‘no opinion’. The feedback you disagree with might be unpleasant to read, but that doesn’t make it irrelevant. And if something makes you really mad, chances are it’s something you probably need to work on.

Then copy all the feedback - every comment and every answer, even if you disagree with them - into a separate document organized BY CHAPTER, not by beta name. This was the mistake I made. You’ll need this feedback when you move on to revision and you really don’t want to have a million tabs or documents open. Аlso it’s much easier to spot patterns if everything is in the same place. And if several people are saying the same thing, that’s probably something to pay attention to. 

Oh, don’t play around with fonts too much. I make everything the same font, but at first, I tried to make it really distinguished between what quote from the manuscript the beta was responding to and the beta’s own words, and honestly, you wrote your book, you know it pretty well. 99.9% of the time you can easily tell what they were responding to and what’s a quote from the book and what is the beta’s own words.

Good luck on your beta journey!

[limjaeseven]

I LOVE YOU 😤😤😤

This is from a few days back and I didn't see it earlier.. I love y'all so much. Thank you so much for all the support. I know my posting schedule is nonexistent and I show up every now and then out of nowhere but thank you so much for sticking around through all of that. Seeing you guys' feedback always makes me happy and makes me want to work harder towards being a better writer.

I need to address something important here. Due to a series of incidents recently, I have been unable to write mainly because of a sort of emotionally weight that sits on my shoulders every time I try. I'm still going to be posting works for collabs and projects that I'm part of but writing in general has become hard for me these days.

It's important that I address this now before I disappear for a while or something (not that I plan to, but it could happen). I never thought I'd get attached to writing fan fiction the way I am now. I never though this would become such a big part of my life. Many months ago, I posted my first fic here because I thought it'd be fun. That's when I stumbled across various networks and groups of writers and was fortunate enough to be a part of a few of those.

This made fanfiction a personal thing to me, it became more than just something I did for fun because through it I made friends, people who became a part of my daily life and routine. I've never had a lot of friends in life but for the first time in my life, I was accepted for who I was by some of the most wonderful people I have ever met.

But you shouldn't hold on too tightly to loose sand. I'm so used to the ground beneath my feet crumbling that when a big part of that came crumbling down, I didn't feel anything except for numbness. I won't go into too much detail but the moral of the story is, the only support system and group of friends I had, all got torn away from me in matter of days and it left me broken and confused.

These incidents took place quite recently, meaning I'm still recovering. If the people who were involved (involved is the wrong word as only a few of those who I knew were but I'm referring to those who knew my personally, as Cris and not as this blog) if you see this, know I miss you and I love you and that I hope this doesn't ruin the friendship that we had.

I'm still active on discord for those who have my id there, since I'm still part of networks, I haven't deleted the app yet. To anyone from the networks I'm still part of who sees this, if I'm a little bit miserable for the time being, know that I'm going through some stuff and that I'm trying to get better.

The reason that I'm explaining all of this is because I don't want to give you guys false hope that I'll write that consistently. I'm working on a GOT7XBTS master list but lord know when I'll actually finish it. Writing hurts these days because it brings back memories of days that I wish could happen again but it's unlikely that they will. It makes me think of friends I have (or had, I don't really know anymore) and of good times that I don't know if I should cling on to or let go.

But most importantly, you, the reader deserves an explanation for my absence and (if it happens) inferior quality of work (not that I was or am a great writer in the first place). You have made me days brighter and my nights more serene. You have given me something to look forward to. A hundred and forty of you took a chance on me and trusted me to deliver work that may make you smile or cry or make you feel something.

I know a lot of what I said may be confusing without the full context but I just wanted to say something to y'all. I know I don't communicate often (if ever) with you guys but I just felt like I needed to. Maybe this is a form of catharsis, letting everything out of my mind and into the world. I hope you guys continue supporting me and my work now and in the future. I love you all very very much and am immensely grateful for all that I have achieved thanks to you guys.

Finally, to all those from the network that I used to be a part of, I don't think any of you will see this but if you do, know that I'm always here for y'all, just like how you guys were there for me at my lowest and my highest. You guys really made me a better person. I love you all so much and I am immensely grateful to have called myself your friend (and continue calling myself that only if you wish so). I miss you all.

-xoxo Cris

TL;DR - Unfortunately there are too many things said here so I can't summarise it all in a few words so you will have to go back up and read through it all. Sorry ;) Also this is one hundred percent unedited so if I make any errors or say stuff that just doesn't make sense, apologies in advance.

[eduards-stuff]

Welcome to eduard 1 am ramblings

I was recently watching videos on YouTube and seeing a video of a couple meeting through vr and all the struggles they been through and just meeting people in vr.

I started to thin the line between reality and virtuality is cuz as technology progresses and people have like full body tracking with haptic feedback so you can feel peoples touching you and who poked your back the line really starts to blur.

You meet all of these people you interacts with them and some you may start to connect and start a bond with or a date as some do.

And the more you spend time the morr you get attached to things.

At some point I could see people get possibly more attached to the avatar than the real life if there are maybe huge differences because we start associating that imagine or avatar as the person we are everyday and see laugh and act and speak so i could totally see someone get attached that way.

If you have a tiny stylised girl with like ears of a fox and a tail in a specific outfit like a leotard or something aesthetically pleasing and after like months of speaking to her like that you transition to the real life or on a discord call and she's not the "image" you imagined I can kind of see a sort of disconnect between perceived desire of what youd like she to look like and the reality as there is no way the certain avatars to exist so there could definitely be anxiety about it and confusion.

The more vr becomes morr used in gaming and hanging out especially in quarantine I could totally see how it will be used as escapism cuz you can touch people in vr without having to worry about distancing and so much more especially bond intimally.

There are people Who post as girls and try to make it as realistically as possible even with voice modulators it seems.

Imagine the hurt if you had someone you were very interested in and it turned out not only they lied to you but also played along and could maybe discard it all once the facade is up.

Especially in the times of corona losing that type of deep emotional connection in times of need can really mess someone up.

As on the virtual reality it seems we are somehow more vulnerable as some of the social bariers are down as we aren't exactly at shame and at risk with some anonymity but somehow the connection people do are a lot deeper

Been single for a while and wirh the quarantine had been a lot of things that I though of . Soft things, things to do to experience and share wirh someone I really liked and do all sorts of cheesy things too.

I would actually enjoy a candle lit and full moon dinner or something cuz I'm that kind of soft weak bitch whose thst extra

Or something simple or special at home as I also enjoy cooking but and if it makes someone feeling happy would feel like the effort is worth it.

Another thing that would be really nice to do is go to the bitch and have a picnic there bring some food some blankets and pillows in a rent pick up truck

And see the sea/ocean have some food and some drink if the situation call for it and have a projector and warch a movie or some pictures collage that can be set up between the 2 of them.

And then look for a star shower or some kind of cosmic event cuz space is cool!!

While writing like stories and role-playing as specific characters I definitely thought of and found out a lot of these amazing scenarios that I could totally make if the right opportunity arises all in a notebook for like date ideas but thise never really came to be used as I never found someone interested to share these in real life so there' are just bubbles of hope that is like one day to materialise

Maybe some of these some peoppe can do in the virtual reality but then the parting becomes even more painful and the disconnect between reality and fiction becomes even more as we spend more time and are engaged in vr

So would it be worth it ?

To see it possibly be ruined?

What is reality more than just a lot if facts and observations we do for ourselves

I know right I'm 14 and this is deep shit but it does feel kind of true

As at some point you will be able to have full dive vr and actually live 2 totally different lives and possibly love the ability to differentials it anymore

As you start to wonder does your love for someone connected to them or the avatar thay they are acting as ?

As avatars don't really have flaws or imperfections and can be meticulously designed to look like the person you wanna appear as.

You still made those choices and hard work to appear as that thing and the choices of designs you did are yours but the imagine may not always correlate to you when someone looks at them.

Really odd thing how the human psychology does that thing of bonding to ideas an perceptions.

I sure hope a lot of people got what they deserved and wished for cuz it seems like the level of deep hurt not a lot of places can reach

I think this is it for now quite a long ramblings that I've been doing by myself or just spewing to a friend about and left it in the ether but I thought would be maybe healthier to try to find another way of channelling my thought

Or some kind of fixation right now through this writing and sort some of process what i am thinking right now cuz sometimes it is a mistery to me even what i am about to type next as it Jus r flows one word after another without much in mind .

My mind being very empty right now but yeah I should end my ramblings here and scream them into he good and find a different kind of coping mechanics and not rely on someone listening and Just continue screaming into the anonymous void and hope someone understands what I'm saying and I'm not try my insane as I think I am.

Sometimes I have the feeling I really am just predictable and the 1 note but sometimes I surprise myself with emotions being complex and not knowing what to do but to just I guess pine for someone to do amazing things wirh but I know that may or may not come and I'll just have to accept that as it is or try to change that myself in some way

But as far as I'm aware there are a lot of way to do that and find a way to find comfort on someone as social standards and pressure don't let you just walk up to people and say hi or much.

If someone's reading this as I'm screaming into the void you can always reach put and talk and have actual deep conversation.

I think what i may be feeling is what a lot of people have been feeling but more accentuated as I didn't had a place to go in my town as there literally not much to do than go to my library and read a book or take a walk but now not even being able to go there even the rare times I went still affects me and feeling isolated and alone on an island with no one next to them.

I think we all felt like that over the course of 2020 which really sucks the more it goes especially with school starting

I really hate that corona csme exactly when I has hope and plans to go in exchange wirh another person in uni and life somewhere else and meet new people tried so hard at exams to be sure I will be able to go only to be slowly crushed ad corona changed it all and into rejected by then and not being able to join to other places so i just lost the train.

These are the moments I overfixated on things and can talk about them for like 20.000 words before crashing and ssying words like they are knives of sharp air going out of my throat for the next 8 hours after this extensive monologue.

Monologue which seemed to go for ages but we all need a place and a way to express whatever you feeling cuz we all need therapy in 2020 I needed way before that in 2012 but only realised like 2 years ago .

So there we go we all need help and it's okay to just talk about it and just get lost in the sea of posts that hopefully somehow won't end up biting me in the ass somehow back.

If someone was interested enough to psychoanalyse this sheet of had the patience please tell me cuz I'm also dieing to know what made you so bored to do this and what you can interpret from this rambling at what guess what now I've been typing for like 15 minutes quite a feat .

I wonder if Tumblr posts have a limit in character usage I don't know I guess will find out soon shouldn't we at some point well reach it . I should probably go to bed now my moms keep nagging me to go to bed I should finish this and go good night thank you if you somehow got to this 10 k word essay rambling and go to the end I don't know how you had the patience to read though my possibly adhd and hyperfixation ass you're a dsmn legend.

Well see ya good night

[vegetalass]

Animalia, or the Circle of Life

Sorry y’all i been writing this forever but i got distracted a lot lmfaoo

Based on the line “you’re an animal, steel. A dog.” and my idea of Sidestep’s “game.” I wish it was more violent / angry, but this is the only thing I could think of.

Basically you have a PHAT crush on steel and he knows but he doesnt care and decides to cut you out first. Snip snip i guess.

Villain name: Ophelia

Warning: Contains Fallen Hero: Retribution spoilers!

Huge shout-out to @m4rkab for beta reading and providing amazing feedback! As well as Capri and Sock in the discord chat for helping me brainstorm ideas! and to Grum, of course!

FH:R belongs to @fallenhero-rebirth

Steel/gn!Reader - 2663 words

_________________________

In a way, Steel has always looked slightly deformed to you.

For starters, his arms are a little bit too big for his waist, and his back stands just a little too taut, almost as if you could see the metal rods fused to the bones that hide beneath his skin. It’s never really been a problem, this aspect of him, especially since these are things you easily forget whenever you’re not in his vicinity. It’s only when you stare at his malformed figure in a sad kind of longing as you quietly join him in the Ranger’s HQ, that you realize that there’s always been something off about him that you can’t quite seem to place.

Maybe you’re just being harsh because he doesn’t really like you. Hell, maybe you’re harsh all the time. But when you gently skim his mind and accidentally get a feel for how uneasy he still is around you, it’s easy to begin thinking about all of the wasted effort you’ve put into getting to know him. He only has to snarl at you for you to remember that he is not your friend and never will be, which makes it easy to understand why there must be something else that is causing you to look at him like he’s an animal.

It’s unfair. The fact that Steel won’t be nice to you and you have never been allowed to be nice at all. You know that he doesn’t deserve to be judged as such, when he’s been trying to get to know you the way that one deserves to be known… But it’s hard when you can see right through his forehead, and understand that nothing will ever be enough.

The most dangerous animals are often the most beautiful, after all, and though his scars are a warning that do nothing to favor him, still, you can’t help but think what a handsome man he could’ve been had he not waged a war against you and the whole fucking world.

You wish you could’ve been real friends. More than friends.

Maybe you will be in the next life, after you finally kill him in this one.

You play a game — in your head, that is — where you pretend that everyone normal is actually hideous and that everyone hated is loved, and that here, in this game, you’re the only beautiful savior left who’s going to protect the Los Diablos citizens from evil.

Steel is there, in all his glory, and Ortega too, along with the rest of the Rangers, and it's here that you remain on opposing sides, but instead of helping they just hinder, and instead of having their victories broadcast on television, their mugshots hang from telephone poles all city-wide.

Even though you could’ve been a Ranger, you’ve decided that this vision is much more satisfying.

The fantasy continues with everyone you love turning out to be a Re-Gene and not a single person who turns away when they see blue skin or orange tattoos. You live your life in the open, proud of your scars and body, and become as revered as Ophelia as Ortega is as Charge or as Chen Wei is as Steel, deformities and all.  

The long-awaited celebration comes last, when you finally imagine how you save the day and how people cheer for you, this other you, the real you. And it’s when you see Steel there, begging for your forgiveness against all odds and factors, though you take your time, you also decide to forgive him, not for his sake, but for yourself and the people, to prove that kindness and love really can be a choice.

Because in this pretend place, Steel loves you.

This is always how the game ends, happily, as the real Steel would never choose kindness, and even at your friendliest, you don’t think you would, either.

There’s nothing in the world, you think, that could be better than this. It’s just... too bad it’s not real.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter now, and in fact, probably never will.

Because Steel is still cruel, and because you know that if he even thought of the connection between you and villainy that he would shoot you in the face on sight. And who would want a relationship with a man like that even on his best days?

Not you.

Well…. that’s a lie. But this whole “crush” thing is a recent development. You weren’t expecting to fall for him, not when he can barely look at you in return.

To say he even tolerates you would be a kindness. You talk, you laugh, and you smile, as though you’re normal people in a normal city, doing things that people in a normal relationship would do. Any human could be fooled by his nature, and part of you has been, too. But you’re not a human, and Steel is used to being on TV,  so both of you know when a hand that’s been extended isn’t really a hand at all. And despite the passing kindnesses that you have shared together, Steel still won’t let you in.

You know this, because when you bask in his mind’s image of you, you can see that part of him wants to. He’s just better at being reasonable, or you guess, as Ortega would say, “hurting himself.”

Because you do like Steel. You do. It’s just really complicated to explain, and you know that Steel wouldn’t ever feel like listening.

You can imagine the laugh Ortega would have at this problem already, and frankly, you can imagine having one, too. It would be a lot easier to be nice and kind to Steel if he was nice and kind to you. Because those are the rules, and even if you do have a weird thing for him, you have a much longer history that needs to be respected.

Which is funny, since you’re even at the HQ right now.

Steel shuffles, breaking your train of thought, and turns around, shoulders and then head, before noticing you hiding in the silence of the room you share.

Piss.

“Hi, Chen,” you nod, pretending that you hadn’t just been imagining all the different ways you could get him on his knees. That’s ironic.

“Sidestep,” he acknowledges, body still tilted sideways on the chair he’s been resting on, elbows on his knees.

“Can’t use my name?” you joke, trying to force a smile, at least to replicate the feeling of normality instead of the vicious aura of displacement that already surrounds you. It’s been enough just to have this ill-fated crush on him, you don’t want to reek of insecurity, as well.

He chuckles softly, chest expanding, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

He seems nervous, disrupted by your appearance, as if you caught him in a moment of vulnerability and hesitation. His face is tilted down, and despite the obvious recognition in his eyes, his back stays hunched. You’d be curious at his predicament, but you’re a telepath, and you don’t have to wonder for long.

At the the first burning touch to his mind, you can already see the person that’s reflected back at you, and it’s not hard to see why he’s acting so bothered.  

You might as well be a monster from the way your image distorts. Your face breaks into a mocking smile, with teeth like pointed needles, and as your body grows to a tower-like height and becomes layered with dark armor that is unmistakable in shape and form, you begin to reach out in all directions, as well.

You look terrifying yet familiar, but you recognize the feeling of Steel’s hesitation at the thought. You know this is one of the reasons why you think he is capable of being nice.

You break instantly from your trance at the sound of his voice, though he hasn’t moved an inch.

“This thing we have…” he trails off, waving his hand in the air. You stare at him, feeling like a deer caught in headlights from your resting place by the door.

The way he says your name makes you feel sick.

“I don’t want you coming to the HQ anymore.”

You continue to stare at him, silent at his confession despite the fact that you could have seen it coming.

That you should have seen it coming.

“You’re a variable that I cannot afford,” he voices, again dancing around any explanation or reason why, “and you can’t keep leading me on like this.”

In your game, this is the part where Steel says he’s just worried about you. If this were your game, you also know that Steel would say he’s sorry.

You know it’s naive to assume that he doesn’t suspect that you’re Ophelia, but you’re not sure what evidence he really has, and it makes you angry to think that you may have slipped.

But it’s hard to decide if it was intentional or not, and if this is the outcome, if it was worth it.

“Say something,” he demands, voice straining and suddenly angry, as he watches your eyes hover distractedly over his body but never focus. He rests his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes roughly with terrible metal knuckles.

“I’m...” you start, sucking in a sharp breath when you finally look at his face, “not leading you on.”

His reply is instant. “Then what are you doing?”

He glares at you from behind his hands, but you do not flinch as you’re unsure of what he’s expecting your answer to be.

You see the monster in his mind again, the one that’s a wrongful depiction of you, now shedding a stream of bloody tears. Suddenly, it becomes harder to watch through Steel’s eyes, as the You-Beast morphs from something hideous into the kind, little kid you were eight years ago, still stained in blood.

Oh, Chen! I just want to be a Ranger!

What a sick joke. A cruel one.  

Because that is not your answer, it never was, and now, you have nothing left to say to him, it being clear when your eyes slip to the floor in shock. Anger radiates from every inch of his person, and yet, you can’t find it in yourself to care the way you would’ve, even if you had just a week ago. You reach out for purchase against the slope of his thoughts, and see that his response is easy and his words are endless.

He narrows his eyes.

“I’m being kind. I’ve been more than kind. I just…” he rubs the bridge of his nose, and restarts the thought. “You know that I care for you.”

“You do?” It’s not checkmate, but it’s a start.

He hesitates. You’re a mind reader, after all.

Both of you remain quiet, standing in wait for a battle that is bound to happen. In some ways, you feel numb to his words, unfazed at his unkindness a part of you has always known him to be hiding. Yet, there is also a piece of you that forces your eyes to close in an attempt to concentrate just enough to stop yourself from lashing out. You don’t want to face the consequences of becoming angry at a man who is too pathetic to let you be happy in your spare time.

You peel your eyes open, and realize you have begun to cry.

“I don’t want to watch you drag your baggage around as if there is a way to mend what is broken.” His voice is stern, and suddenly you feel like a kid.

Your hands reach out, finding the closest thing to your body that fits in your hand and throwing it in his direction. He flinches, but the half-full bottle of Neon Rangerade misses his head by a good foot and a half and he stares at you with a blank expression.

“I’m not broken,” you croak, trying to defend what little reason you have left, “ Nothing is broken.”

The words feel heavy on your tongue, like the pills you could never swallow, but Steel ignores your disposition in his stupor. Normally, you’d attempt to reach a finger into his mind, but you know the only things that would be left there are his weird image of Ortega and about a thousand vile words.

“I don’t deserve being lied to,” he says blandly this time, distantly, while gazing far out the window at God knows what.

You don’t care to know what he’s thinking about anymore, or which incident it is that bleeds and stains in his mind. You have been good at keeping your mouth shut, but this conversation has been all the confirmation he needs. Silence can be a poison, and though you could easily find out what it is that Steel has been holding onto, what grief he carries in his heart, you can’t find it in yourself to press him any harder. He would know if you did, and you’re already crying.

He’s being cruel by doing this to you; forcing you to sew your lips shut even when all you wanted was him. People say that it’s the Re-Genes who lack any Humanity. Another fucking joke.  

“You’re an animal, Steel. You know that, right? A fucking dog.”

That’s ironic.

You wipe your wet cheeks. You shouldn’t be crying about a man you know never cared.

“Maybe,” he finishes, avoiding your eyes, “but that doesn’t mean shit coming from you.”

You watch as Steel stands up, finally broken from the paralysis you must’ve put him in. He glances once more at the white folder in his hands, and then at the leaking Rangerade you threw on the floor. He slowly puts down the files, and reaches for the bottle that is staining the carpet a bright orange. He’s always been a good boy.

You want to say you like that about him.

You can’t.

As he rests the bottle on the table, you notice Ortega’s face on the label that gazes up at the both of you in a trained and empty smile. You know it well, because part of you is empty, too.

“I’ll kill you, Steel.” you finally say, angry at both yourself and him for appearing so weak, so flushed red and angry. You turn to watch him as he pushes past you with heavy footsteps, and when he reaches the door to the long, sunny hallway that stretches out to the elevator, he doesn’t stop to look at you.

“I know.” His final words are cold, and it doesn’t take any telepathy to realize that he knows you aren’t lying.

Tomorrow you will be enemies again, and whatever your feelings were, they won’t matter now, because any kindness Steel had left for you died the moment you let yourself fall. The moment you realized it wasn’t a game anymore.

This is the animal kingdom, after all. It always has been, and the both of you are predators, waiting for the day when you can finally taste the sweetness that comes with being deadly.

It’s the circle of life.

You think about your game; about the fake Steel who begs on his knees for you and the boy he becomes when he kisses you despite your tattoos and scars. Despite being broken and animalistic.

You made him up in your head.

It makes you sad… Because it’s true that the real Steel hates you, and that if anyone else you loved knew you weren’t human, they would run for the hills, too. But most of all, it’s too bad that the people of Los Diablos don’t see you as their hero, and probably never will, because even if you pretend you don’t care, it would be really, really nice to feel loved.

Steel made you realize that.

And as you leave the HQ alone for the last time, a long time after Steel, you play the game over. This time, though, not forgiving anyone.

[beerecordings]

K IT’S ABOUT TO GET SAPPY UP IN HERE

Just wanted to thank everyone who’s read my fics and especially everyone who’s commented. This is a callout post for being amazing.

Here’s some of the favorite reactions I’ve gotten to my writing just so I can call you out one by one!! (Bolded actual comments if you don’t want to wade through me thanking everyone :)) Thank you so much!! Sorry this is so HECKING long! Ily!!

okay first of all shoutout to @evyptids and @starlightxnightmare who got up in the tags on the very first chapter of My Brother's Keeper and were like “I would read a whole series of this!” and made me go “bruh maybe I should write a whole series of this??”

Also Star once called that fic “A FUCKING NIGHTMARE” and I loved that. Also always writes BEE?????? in the tags and makes me laugh so much

And Evy always seems more worried about Jameson than anyone else I am so sorry I keep tormenting your boy. You are both wunderbar, thank you so much!

One time @the-rampaige commented “ooh I like the dynamicccc” on a piece with Dapper and Anti and for some reason I really loved that and now everytime I write something really good or creepy between the two of them my brain goes “the dynamicccc!!” and she always comments with extra letters thrown in there and I love it so much, ty

@septicjamie said they wanted to tattoo the fic I wrote them on their face and I laughed so hard I woke my cat up I'm so glad you liked it, thanks for being so supportive and sweet

@it-is-i-jamie has said “how dare you” at least four times, sometimes twice on the same fic.... wow ily thank you for all your comments

@egopocalypse gives some of the best feedback ever?? and so much of it like whole paragraphs?? once they told me my metaphors were beautiful and I cried?? they told me I blew them away with every chapter and I???? ??? I LOVE YOU

When a bunch of people said they liked Anti's sign name!! I was so glad!!

@plutoandpolaris also leaves freaking incredible feedback they told me they liked the way I wrote Anti and that you could tell that everything was like creepy and off-kilter with him and I was SO HAPPY because I was worried my fic made him look soft so thank you. Also told me what their fav chapter was and I went YES! You're my hero!!!!!!

Three different people told me to turn my location back on after the Jackie-Anti fight fic lmao

@obsidiancreates was like the first person to comment on my fics and they told me they liked my possession scene and I was like “aw heck yes nobody knows good possession like Obsidian we did this RIGHT” (you rule Sid)

@iris-the-asparagus leaves me the nicest little comments, once said nothing but love for this series and i thought about it for like two days so sweet

@spicydanhowell once just commented FUCK YOU BEE and it made my fucking day. Lau je t'aime

@storm337 and @jurassicraptorcat you amazing people I have that discord chat saved on my computer cause I just could not believe anyone would ever be that excited about my writing and now... like it just made me so happy. Wow. It made me so happy. I’ve already thanked you like four times SO ONE MORE

Jamie: shoots Chase. @odysseus-is-best-boi: r00d. (All their comments are so sincere and down-to-earth I am SO GLAD FOR THEM)

@epicfangirl01 is AMAZING and one time she commented like three times raving about how creepy Anti was and it was so funny and SHE'S RIGHT AND SHE SHOULD SAY IT and wow she's always looking out for me and goes AHHH a lot I love that

@stuck-in-the-ghost-zone.... where do I begin all your comments are... oof amazing... you like Jackie's powers that made me so!! happy!! Seriously you are !! Idk you make my heart go !!!

On one of the angstiest chapters of them all @maybekatie just commented “bro”

An anon asked me very excitedly if I would ever all the egos into my story and I was like yes I'm planning to!! And then after a couple more fics an anon sent me “DID YOU JUST KILL MARVIN” and I think it was the same person and I had to hide under my covers for ten minutes I am SO SORRY ILY ANON

This comment from @mihaela-tbg: “First – Hope you're finals go well! :-) Second – How dare you” (thank you for all your comments, you’re wonderful)

@aether-mae I'm still shook from the ask you sent me the other day... you really think my writing is beautiful.... I'd die for you thanks love

@way-ward-soul put “don't know if I've reblogged this before but I'm reblogging it again” and guess what?? they reblog every chapter and I cry for joy every time thank you my friend

@lowat-golden-tower​ last time I posted angst: IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU HEATHEN

Okay wow this was so much longer than I meant for it to be but so many of you have been so kind to me and I really am glad!! and I really have so much fun reading all your reactions and everything. And if I left you out I hope you know I am still so glad for you, even if you've only liked one of my fics, and if you've ever commented at all chances are you've put a big smile on my face. Hope you had the merriest of Christmas days.

Thank you, my friends!!

[lovelylogans]

do not reblog

my best friend once (lovingly) described attempting to have a conversation about emotions with me was like pulling teeth.

so, ya know. this is gonna be awkward. i’m not good with emotions. fun fact, one of my early childhood memories of my parents trying to Teach Me Stuff (which was kinda rare to be so overt) was my mom saying she was upset, and asking me how i handled it. and i just said “i don’t talk about it! that makes me feel better!” so it’s been in progress like. a while. 

i don’t even know if i’ll post this. or post it and then immediately delete it. which i’ve done on here before, so. we’ll see.

i have anxiety. not traditionally, classically diagnosed, but two out of two doctors i’ve asked about symptoms of what i’ve called “the chest thing” during the past two years have said “that sounds like anxiety,” so that’s. that. set right out there. i don’t want to blame everything i say on the fact that i have anxiety, but it is a factor.

let me put this out there: i never expected to become a “big blog.”

like. the fact that i hit 500, let alone 2,000 followers is just bizarre to me. i realize i’m not, like, the biggest blog out there, but this is still. entirely unexpected. like i’ve had a couple blogs over the years, and the most i’ve ever hit was about 350 after three years, on a blog that’s now defunct. i figured i may as well post a few moodboards a day or so after i made the blog, joined a couple discords because some blogs were reblogging invite links. 

i just kinda kicked out a fic, figured i may as well make a blog, and maybe i’d write a few cool stories and get some comments and mess around on photoshop a bit. i’d heard about how friendly people in this fandom were, so i hoped, maybe, i’d get a friend, too.

i hopped onto tumblr to see that i’d gotten a message (a rare occurrence!) my follower count had boosted by forty, and my activity just absolutely skyrocketed.

thomas had reblogged not one but two of my moodboards.

i posted a christmas fic. i got on tumblr a few days later to see it’d been nominated for best fic of the year.

i think a solid mood for both of those events was what the fuck.

again. didn’t expect to be a big blog. didn’t expect any of it. and to me it was just... crazy. i’d really only written for huge fandoms (like, harry potter, doctor who, the 100, etc.) or tiny ones where it was me, one of my best friends, two other people, and a napkin. like. no in between. sanders sides was my first in between in a long, long time. i didn’t expect people to be asking about my taglist, i didn’t expect people to hop in my askbox, i didn’t expect people to ask about if i took prompts and i certainly didn’t expect to have upwards of twenty prompt fics. i didn’t expect people to tell me that i intimidated them, or that i had an audience, or to placed upon a pedestal (which. please no.) none of it was expected.

this is where the anxiety part kinda comes in.

i’ve written upwards of about twenty-five-ish fics for this fandom, nearing 100k words, which was a huge deal for me. still is. i’d been struggling with writer’s block, idea block, creativity block, what have you, for nearly two years. the fact that i could connect with these characters, come up with ideas (or get prompts to kickstart those ideas) was big to me. finally, i thought, i can reaccess this skill to get out how i’m feeling, to relax, to fill up my day by doing something semi-productive. and you guys liked them, too. which was, still is, such a gift, and i’m so grateful for it.

and, well, a bit of a thing. i’m going through some... other stuff, to put it in the vaguest terms possible, over the past life few months, something that i try and channel into my writing, something i try and keep my mind off of, see bad at emotions paragraph above.

there was a week, a few months back, where i was going through some of that stuff, where it was busy for school, and i was just not in the best place. i posted a fic, and figured i’d get some response to get my mind off it.

i didn’t.

i freaked the fuck out.

looking back, i absolutely see how i blew it out of proportion; everyone has their ups and downs with responses, and you guys are not at all obligated to respond and i shouldn’t feel like you have to, and it turned out fine anyway. you guys aren’t obligated to cater to my mindset; you should consume what you want to consume.

i know all that. i knew all that. and yet.

i sent a few messages to one of my best friends, at the time of the freakout, despairing about how i was a failure and no one would ever love my work, and a few other things, i forget. anxiety-fueled thinking, you get it.

dude, she sent me back, you realize you’re spiraling, right?

i grabbed my coat, put on some boots, and went for a two mile walk in the near-freezing rain at about midnight on a weekday. it helped calm me down. i got some of that schoolwork done. it helped calm me down. i realized how much i’d freaked out, realized part of it was anxiety fueled, and put away those emotions for later. again, see emotions disclaimer above. but they kept popping up, whenever a fic or post did slightly worse than my usual standards. (and also, hey, quick question, self, when did i get standards for posts? when did i become such a perfectionist, and can i please apply that to schoolwork???)

i know the idea of creation should be for the sake of creation, not for the response and appreciation you might get. it should be an entirely selfish thing, and i should be happy to put out a story that i’m proud of.

i. know. this.

so why do i keep looking at the notes, as if that’s the thing that matters here? why do i keep looking at other content creators, other bloggers, even, and comparing what i have to what they have? when did my thoughts turn from that’s such a cool concept! or that’s such a cute ask and response thing! to why don’t i have that? why didn’t i do that? why do i keep trying to find my worth by following the numbers of my own work? why do i think about posting something like this and feeling like it would be complaining and whining and whatever response i’d get would be disingenuous, but i look at others doing something similar and feel nothing but support and hoping that they feel better soon?

it started to feel like every little thing was irking me. i was starting to think meanly. i hate being mean, even thinking things that could be considered rude. i’d grit my teeth and roll my eyes at any ~fandom discourse,~ i’d scroll quickly by anything that i didn’t like in the slightest, i wasn’t having fun anymore. well, maybe i was, but a lot less than i did before. i felt... angry, basically. annoyed, frustrated, whichever. i was starting to fixate, and i knew i was starting to fixate. but it was on things i didn’t want to fixate on.

i was watching a video recently, and they said something along the lines of the people who only watch the numbers, they’re just unhappy. my first thought upon hearing that was well, yeah. but how do i fix it?

the answer is, i don’t really know. really mostly it’s just... taking a step back to figure that out. there’s no easy fix for what’s going in my life atm. so we’ll see how that goes. i’ll start putting stuff in queue, fanart and gifs and text posts and the like, but posting to a lesser extent than i was before. i’m probably gonna work mostly on big bang, but maybe a couple of littler fics will pop out of the framework, when i’m ready, when i have an idea and the drive.

i still love to write. i really love these characters. i love where the plot of sanders sides is going, as well as thomas’ other content. fanders have been nothing but supportive for me. i’m excited for the works i have planned, and i want my response to them being posted as an it’s up! i’m proud of myself for getting this done! i think i executed this idea to the best of my ability and i have grown as a writer! rather than it’s up! i want positive feedback nOW! if it gets less than x notes then i am a failure and this was a horrible idea!

i wanted to close this one out by saying this is, entirely, a me situation. do not feel guilty for not consuming/enjoying/reblogging/commenting on my work. that is your choice. no matter how entitled a creator might feel to it, it is your choice. sure, it would be nice, as i’m sure most authors would agree! but it is NOT anyone’s fault that i’m feeling this way. it’s my brain and my head and my weird emotions. you guys did nothing wrong. it’s just something that some creators struggle with, and apparently now it’s my turn.

i’m not blaming anyone (other than myself) and i don’t want it to sound like i am. you guys are fantastic, truly and really wonderful, and i want to be sure that i can provide fun things for you guys (again, that you have the choice to consume or not!) while enjoying myself too! 

again, please, do not reblog.

also, uh, this is going up hopefully by the time i’m asleep so i don’t chicken out and delete it, so, you know.

[o0o-chibaken-o0o]

Could you tell me some drarry fics where Draco and Harry write letters to each other anonymously

Hello, hello!!! The @hpcommentathon is happening now, so I want to broaden this list to include ALL letter-writing as well as chatting/texting fics :D. Hopefully these recs will help you fill one of your categories!! And if you’re seeing this after the comment-a-thon is over, leave these brilliant writers some feedback anyway <3

Epistolary Drarry (letters)

Lettered (8K), Lush Life (19.5K), & Home Again, Home Again (22K) by pir8fancier- Harry has a secret penpal, whose identity is as plain as the nose on his face. Except he’s not wearing his glasses.I’ve only just realized today that the last work in this series exists, and I’m in a panic because I must MUST read it— the first two are amazing and perfect and they have EVERYTHING. Be aware that the sequel(s) are very different from Lettered because they take place years later, but Lush Life (and probs the other one too!!) is JUST AS BRILLIANT as Lettered, which you will definitely fall in love with!!!!

Catch 22 by jad (50K)- As if NEWTS weren’t enough, Dumbledore’s gone and had another one of his ‘bright ideas.’ If all ends well, the Houses will be getting along in no time. Or according to Harry’s correspondent, an Apocalypse will be in order.Okay THIS FIC THO. It’s exactly what anon is looking for, because they are writing proper anonymous letters back and forth, trying to guess each others’ identities, and it’s an amazing read! With a very dramatic reveal :D

Dear Diary by AWickedMemory (20.5K)- // This can’t possibly go worse than the last time I kept a diary. //After the war, Harry picks up a journal to write in… and it writes back. Luckily, it’s not a Horcrux on the other end this time.OOOOOH this one is just so delicious because Harry is asking his “anonymous pen pal” what he should do about his crush on DRACO MALFOY and that is a recipe for amazingness if I ever saw one.

#switching #owling #bumping into each other by @queenofthyme (~2K)- No summary because this one’s actually a drabble here on tumblr (although you will soon be able to find it as part of qot’s drabble collection on AO3!), but I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH and I thought of it immediately, so I couldn’t not include it! It’s beautiful and there may or may not be POETRY from one of the boys to the other!!!

I identify my star sign by asking which is least compatible with yours by Ingi (13K)- In Eighth year, Harry Potter’s new term resolution was not getting into fights with Draco Malfoy.It lasted exactly a month and two days.This is a wonderful, cute little fic with a ton of attractions!!! It seems like I’m always asking myself which fic this or that element is from, and somehow the bits I remember have turned out to be from this fic multiple times. Idk how it’s possible, but I do know you’ll enjoy it greatly <3

A Fluffy Little Olive Branch by @julietsemophase (5K)- Harry comes into work one day to find a box with a baby owl inside sitting on his desk, and a note from a mystery well-wisher.Just… really cute!!! ADORABLE, even. And very… fluffy *wink wink wink* (I’m hilarious shh). Featuring a very thoughtful, pining Draco and a sweet baby owl <3

Dear Enemy by @gingertodgers (69K)- An anonymous benefactor makes a generous donation to Harry Potter’s School for Squibs in exchange for a weekly letter from the Boy Who Lived.What begins as a chore soon becomes the only outlet Harry has to talk about the war, love, life, hope, redemption, his renewed obsession with a certain blonde nemesis and how he really, honestly, believes that this will be the year Puddlemere United reclaim the Quidditch League Cup.Okay, so my friends on the Drarry discord just told me today about this fic and about how everyone who reads it is obsessed, and I just (accidentally) read the first chapter and am already HOOKED so they were not lying!! 100% sure we will all adore it <3

On Our Way by Dynamic (30K)- Draco is trying to spend the summer keeping his head down, but a repair project and a certain snowy owl have other plans for him.This is an absolutely LOVELY, very touching!, not quite eighth yeah year fic that features DRACO FINDING AN OWL WHO IS HEDWIG’S CHILD AND TRYING TO GIVE HER TO HARRY WHO NEVER WANTS ANOTHER OWL!!!! Literally, how perfect???

And an Owl Named Romeo by Rickey (26.5K)- Draco breeds owls, Harry’s an Auror, and an owl named Romeo is going to bring them together.I’m noticing that a lot of these fics revolve around owls, which is amazing because I ADORE reading about them, but I must say this might possibly be my favorite Drarry owl fic!!! Harry buys an owl from Draco, then needs lots and lots of advice <3

Better Than an Origami Bird by @jadepresley and yours truly @o0o-chibaken-o0o (3.5K)- A series of letters in which Harry and Draco argue, play truth or dare, get kinky, and are a couple of very naughty (or very good, depending on who you ask) boys during class.This fic was literally the most fun thing ever to write, because @jadepresley and I got into a contest to see who could make the other one blush more — so if you want some very kinky epistolary smut, you will not be disappointed (hopefully!) <3

Starfall by Lomonaaeren (196.5K)- When the truth about a seemingly minor Dark hex Harry has suffered leads to the dissolution of his marriage with Ginny, Harry spins into a downward spiral. His private consolation is creating a fantasy life for himself in his journal as Ethan Starfall, a normal wizard with a big family. When he receives a random owl Draco Malfoy has cast into the void as a plea for help with his son Scorpius, Harry replies—as Ethan. There’s no reason, he thinks, for an epistolary friendship with Draco to go further. But Draco might have different ideas about that.This is obviously a HUGE fic full of angst and many many issues and plot devices besides letter-writing—but since the letters are pretty central to the plot, I’m including it here! This fic is a crazy ride, and you will get so invested. Great if you’re looking to read something longer :)

Chat/Texting Fics

Real Texts by @affectiionwrites and @jadepresley (2K)- Kingsley has decided all his Aurors need muggle mobile phones. Draco has finally learned how to use his, and gets a hold of Harry’s number.Drarry textiiiiing!!! And they’re so funny about it! WITH PICTURES!!! I adored the mop, and if you want to know what that means, you’ll just have to read it ;D

Howlr by @partialtopotter​ (15.5K)- Howlr is the new dating application enchanting Witches, Wizards and Everyone in between. Are you looking for the one or a one-night stand; it’s all here folks. Howlr is sponsored by Weasley Wizard Wheezes, the same team that brought us the Spellular just two years ago. Ginny Weasley, famed chaser for the Hollyhead Harpies, swears by the app, ‘guaranteed to make sparks fly,’ she says. The magic awaits you!This is actually another one I haven’t gotten to read yet, but I had to include it because I hear people gushing about it every time a new chapter is released and I am SO looking forward to reading it! Based on this amazing post <3

Must Love Quidditch by dracosoftie (103.5K)- Through a series of emails from an online dating site, Harry thinks he’s found his perfect match. Will the bond they’ve forged survive after their identities are revealed? This fic is a classic, and a great one for if you’re looking for a longer fic! Dating sites are just the best!!! RIGHT?? And there are some courting rituals in here that I greatly enjoyed as well ;D

Blind Date by JosephineStone (8.5K)- Draco’s been working with Harry for years when another one of his relationships goes stale. He has to be married within a year, and though the WizNet has burned him in the past, Draco finds a new possibility in man as desperate to marry as he is. Only then for Harry to see his last chance with Draco slipping away, and he refuses to let Draco ignore his advances any longer.Another dating site fic!!!! These always have me W E A K!!! And this one is especially amazing because in addition to chatting online, they work together toooooo <333

Group Chat by @jadepresley​ (2K)- A screenshot of a group chat conversation between Draco, Harry, Ron, Pansy, Hermione and Theo.Okay I know there are three fics by Jade on this list, but I swear I’m not (only) trying to seduce her; she’s actually just AMAZING at this format and you have to read them all because uhkdskjsaaslkdj!!! This is one of the funniest short fics I’ve ever read, NO LIE