#and be like yeah I am strange and off putting and not particularly like able but whatever that’s okay and I can live with it

[opiotes-thoughtvomit]

My life feels like a dream rn but I still low key wanna kill myself lol

[hisonlyreid-er]

School Girl Crush Pt 4

Part 1| Part 2| Part 3| Part 4| Part 5| A new BAU member appears and Spencer sees her as a little threat to his status of boy genius. Being unable to get comfortable with each other causes some issues within the team. Will they be able to move past it and work together?

Spencer Reid x FemBau!OC Warnings: mentions of alcohol consumption

Six months in the US had flown by. My routines had been built up strong as well as my relationships with the members of the BAU. I had grown comfortable in my role in the team and allowed myself to settle in. Each case brought us closer together, letting us rattle our ideas off each other.

A break was uncommon in our line of work, we worked most days and had little time to ourselves between cases. The whole team had been given a week off after a particularly long ad grueling case. I had been dragged to a girls night with JJ, Garcia and Prentiss. We sat in a dingy bar for hours, laughing, talking and drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Our chatter wasn't about anything, just the most random conversation that was fueled by excessive alcohol consumption. I never had been a big drinker but Garcia was determined to get to me to try all her favourite drinks, in one night. If any of them asked me about Spencer, I wouldn't have had enough sense to keep my mouth shut. I don't even know how I managed to stand up and walk out of that bar.

Sunlight hit my face, burning my eyes. I groaned at the splitting pain in my skull. Now I remember why I don't really drink. The hangover. I was sprawled haphazardly on top of my covers, in the same clothes from last night. How did I even get home last night? There was no memory of the hours I spent with the girls. That's a good sign. It was really lucky that we wouldn't have a case for a few days because it was going to take me at least a day to get over this. I had to think rationally. Water and painkillers. It took a while to get from my room and to the kitchen. The sound of my own footsteps worsened my headache.

When I left my apartment I had taken a couple Advil to try and numb the pain. My outfit wasn't every put together, a pair of baggy jeans and a hoodie with the hood up. I needed coffee but ran out before our last case. There was a coffee shop a few blocks from my place so that was my destination. The spring sun was beating down on me, stinging my corneas. I preferred it back home, always rainy, dark, miserable. That would be ideal for me right now. But alas, I was living my life with my dream job in the land of the free, what a horrible life.

The shop wasn't super busy as it was around 10 am so most people were at work. Suckers. I would laugh but I wasn't exactly in the right place to be laughing at people. The lovely barista took my order quickly and got to making it. Maybe I looked like I really needed that coffee. I didn't even have the energy to scroll through my phone while I waited, just stared off into the distance. "Lyn?" My head snapped in the direction of the voice.

Dr Reid? My face flushed red as I grew shameful of my attire. He was stood there looking very put together, cardigan buttoned up, hair neatly messy. Gosh Lyn, pull yourself together, he's just a colleague. Then, I realised that I hadn't said anything, just stared at him like a creep. "Dr Reid. Good morning." I try to mask my strangeness with a smile. In his hand was a takeaway coffee cup, his signature satchel strung over his shoulder. Why did he have to look so good? Yeah, I was definitely a creep. Before he could say anything, my coffee appeared on the counter. I thank the barista, taking a sip and turned back to Reid. My embarrassment was still strong as he subtly scanned my clothing. "How's your time off?" His voice had an edge to it that made me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. "Good. Had a girls night last night." I couldn't quite meet his eye as I spoke. "Really?" And then, before I knew it, we were sat across from each other at a table.

"Garcia made you drink how much?" We were laughing together as I recounted my night. "Probably around 6 drinks. Each time she gave me a new one she'd say that she was lying before and that that was her favourite." Our cups were long empty but we stayed. "Aren't you hungover?" He seemed really shocked. I was pretty sure I looked as bad as I felt. "Oh extremely. I was hammered by drink 3, blackout drunk by the end of the night. I don't even remember going home but I woke up this morning in my bed and the same clothes from yesterday." Everything was so relaxed. It was strange to think about how 2 months ago I was convinced he hated me but here we were.

We refilled our drinks twice as we talked aimlessly . Reid spouted the most random information and I listened intently. It was peaceful, watching him talk about the stuff he's passionate about. I couldn't believe some people found this annoying. I never wanted him to stop as I watched him, my chin on my hand. There was a sparkle in his eye that I could not get enough of. "Hotch did what?!" I asked him incredulously. Our conversation had drifted to stories of the team that I had never heard. The stories seemed wild to hear when spoken but they were just the same as what we experienced on cases. God, our job is wild.

A small part of me was sad when we had to part ways. The hour and a half we'd spent together was the best I'd had in a long time. It was refreshing, a normal conversation away from the gore we saw everyday. Reid stood across from me on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. "I'll see you on Monday." I beamed at him. "Yeah, I'll see you on Monday." He echoed my words but neither of us moved, just stayed staring. I decided to leave first, turning on my heels. "Bye Reid." I called over my shoulder. I saw him raise a hand and give me a little wave. "Bye Colesta." I smiled the whole way home. It was ridiculous but I couldn't help it. My chest was warm and fuzzy every time I recalled the look in his eye or the way his voice got excited. I'll be over my little crush soon enough. I just had to wait it out.

Returning to work on Monday was actually enjoyable, I was starting to lose my mind with nothing to do. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, I missed my team, a lot. When you spend weeks with people you grow accustom to them being there and if they aren't, it's very noticeable. I joked with Prentiss at her desk, Morgan joining us when he arrived. Everyone had their routines. Hotch would be preparing for our next case in his office, Rossi would be in his. Garcia would be clacking away on her keyboard, gathering important information. JJ would be getting ready to deliver the case and Reid would be arriving at any moment. As if one cue, the lift dings and Reid steps out. It's just a silly little crush.

It seemed that I didn't get over it as quickly as I'd liked. Obviously I focused on the case, prioritising it over my feelings but sometimes I'd catch myself staring at him. Butterflies swelled in me when we met eyes and when he smiled at me, oh good lord. I tried my best to be professional but when he smiled at me, I wanted to giggle and kick my feet like a lovestruck teenager. Sometimes I forget that I'm a 23 year old woman and an officer of the law, I shouldn't be acting like this.

After that case, Reid and I would get coffee every few weeks when we had time. We would catch up, exchange stories and laugh together. Each time we spoke seemed like a step in the right direction. Some of the others seemed to have noticed it too. I got questions from Prentiss and Morgan about the change between us. It sounded like everyone knew about the friction between me and Reid, and now we were a little closer, it showed. It was easy enough to hide my feelings from my male coworkers but the girls, they saw straight through me. Prentiss was the first to mention it, she did it subtlety to try and gauge my reaction, forgetting that I'm a profiler too. I managed to keep it from her for a few days before Garcia caught on. Nothing could escape Garcia so I was royal screwed. They interrogated me for an hour and finally broke me. I confessed to my little crush and our coffee shop rendezvous. And they never let me live it down. Every chance they got was used to tease me, even in front of Morgan, but he wouldn't know a thing. They even teased me in front of Reid and I couldn't help the flush of my face when he looked over at us, that made it much worse.

Around a month after we first ran into each other, we went our seperate ways again. On my way home I thought about everything. It made me ecstatic as I realised that we might be friends now, no more hard feelings. I was friends with Reid. He enjoyed my company as I enjoyed his. God damnit. Now it would be even harder to get over my crush but I didn't care. I made a friend. If I was still in school, Mum would be so proud of me. She probably wouldn't care now, seeing as I'm an adult but I was still full of joy. Spencer Reid was my friend and there is no way I would risk messing this up now. I would shove my feelings deep down. Nothing would ruin this. Nothing.

Sorry this is a shorter part. Part 5 will be so much longer and is the one I'm most looking forward to writing.

[hyaesia]

Hi Cat, I am here to annoy you and ask you about your Beach Ep Thoughts ™

With best,

Lavii :3

oh god okay where do i even begin ... in general that was the most devastating ending in fiction ever i think... and i think the sigcorp series might be the only series ever to be able to pull it off. it's crazy how sounding out what we already knew would happen was still so !!! poignant!!! the music was spectacular. the art was spectacular. freebird's commitment to rpgmaker is astounding and i love it (though i know last hour and onwards will be unity)

more specific thoughts:

i loved being able to see more of rox and rob, particularly i love that rob is just a Really Strange Guy instead of the only normal sigcorp employee like a lot of us thought he would be, i think it makes his & rox's dynamic all that much funnier. two weird and offputting guys on totally opposite sides of the weird and offputting spectrum

even though the plot was very In Your Face compared to every other entry in the sigcorp series (this was made to answer questions about IF, after all), there's still so much to discuss and theorize about! i've spent So much time already discussing how i suspect neil died w/ friends (which i could make into a whole other post. tbh) and whatever the hell was going on with the quintessence cast ?? (more on that later)

i loved seeing eva's walls crumble down. she lied about the journey mattering more to her than the ending, of course she did because she works the worst job on the planet and she has to lie to herself to keep going. i can't think too long about her in the very ending asking such vulnerable questions to neil about if he'd really do all those sweet relationshippy things for her or putting her head into her arms and sobbing after he asked how it happened.oh.my god

i genuinely thought the quintessence guys from the teasers would be cameo characters, which yeah they were for the most part! but lunair was so interesting... what did she mean when she said she's something else entirely!! where did she come from why is she in on the simulation with faye!! the only rational thing i can come up with is quintessence being a side-project by neil leaking into the simulations but then that makes her comment before irrelevant... head in my hands

and i love/hate how the Entire series has been a simulation by eva... god especially minisode 2,,, realizing that party Never Happened and it was just her trying to make a happier memory for herself. do you think that was the last christmas neil ever celebrated? do you think she ever really gave him the sound recorder, or was it her present self playing 4D chess with their memories? it'll be a very long time until i can bring myself to replay any of these games knowing i'm being complicit in eva's unhealthy grief habits. well fucking done kan gao .how did you do it

shorter thoughts that don't need their own paragraphs: the minigames were so fun, the spectator mode for xtreme beach was such a fun touch; i loved the ingame confirmation about colin and river being deskmates; i think last hour will be the last hour of neil's life; after kan's tweet last year about last hour & the beach episode being the good and bad ending respectively, i placed my bets on beach being the good ending. i really hope i'm wrong now actually after seeing it; and finally i've already listened to world in a memory 200 times, it makes me nauseous every time

in conclusion: i need to hug eva rosalene so fucking badly

[ur-boyfiend]

hot cocoa kisses

changbin x m!reader

hihi merry crimmis !! wasn't gonna do a fic but then decided eh whattahell why not. much like the halloween fic i'm writing this absolutely last minute so uhhhh sorry in advance if there are any errors ^^; (this is being posted so late i'm so sorry) feedback + pointing out errors are both greatly appreciated :] wc; 4.8k (christ-)

christmas has always been an odd time of year for you. between strange and strained family relationships and your own mental health issues, family gatherings felt like walking over a minefield.

you groan and roll over, shoving your face into your pillows. you don't want to see any of your relatives this year, but you sure as hell don't want to deal with their attitudes if you skip either.

there's shuffling on the other side of the room and you lift your head just in time to see your roommate flick on the light by his bed.

"you good man?"

there's genuine concern in his voice, and you laugh quietly, "right now? mostly. after i see my family? absolutely not."

he frowns, sitting up properly, and you sit up as well, facing him across the room.

"wanna come with me then? my family's been on my ass about bringing someone over, and they're....." he grimaces slightly, "sometimes a lot, but they mean well."

"so how fake boyfriend am i expected to be?" you grin, always up for teasing him.

he rolls his eyes slightly, "or you could be my roommate?"

"well that's no fun."

the comment gets you a pillow to the face, sending you into a fit of giggles.

"yeah yeah, you're a comedic genius, do you wanna come with or not?"

after taking a moment to catch your breath, you nod, "sounds fun."

"i don't know about fun, but sure, whatever you say."

you hum quietly, "should i get gifts for people?"

changbin shrugs, "i usually just bring some kind of sweets for people to share, my family doesn't do individual gifts very much. since not all of us would be able to afford things for everyone."

"oh, that makes sense. we could make hot chocolate bombs though."

"make what nows?"

you laugh, "hot chocolate bombs, they're chocolate shells filled with hot cocoa powder and things like peppermint bits or mini marshmallows, so when you drop it in warm milk the shell melts and boom! hot chocolate."

"those sound good, we can get the stuff to make 'em later, when it's a reasonable hour to be awake."

you yawn, nodding, and flop back down onto your bed. changbin laughs and flicks off the light again, also lying back down and closing his eyes.

winter sun cuts through the window, the curtains making a futile attempt to filter out the harsh glare. you grumble and pull your blankets over your head, only for changbin to pull them back off of you a moment later.

you glare up at him and he grins, "c'mon, you still wanna make hot chocolate bombs?"

sitting up, you flip him off and rub your eyes, not particularly keen on being conscious at the moment, but also knowing you probably won't be able to fall asleep again.

"yeah yeah, only if we can get coffee on the way back from the store though."

"whatever you want, sweetheart."

you flip him off again and he laughs loudly, too loudly for your half-asleep liking.

"okay get out so i can get dressed."

"aw, don't wanna change in front of your boyfriend?"

you're confused for a second, but remember the conversation you'd had earlier, "......i regret everything i've ever said."

"well that's a bit rude."

"oh my god leave-" you grab a pillow and smack him with it, making him laugh.

"okay okay! i'm leaving!"

you grumble a bit as you get out of bed and stretch, feeling your brain fill with static for a moment as your body gets used to being active again.

shuffling to your dresser you grab a pair of jeans and hoodie, getting dressed quickly before putting on socks and shoving your phone, keys, and wallet into your pockets.

going out to the main area of the apartment, you hear movement in the kitchen and stick your head around the corner to see changbin going through the cupboards, a container of hot cocoa powder already sitting on the counter.

"ready?"

changbin turns to look at you and nods, shutting the cupboard he'd been rummaging in and grabbing a hoodie from where he'd dropped it over the arm of the couch the last time he'd come back home. you tug on a pair of worn combat boots, changbin putting on his own, slightly less beat up, pair.

walking towards the elevators, you chat about what his family is like and what yours is like as well, telling stories about other christmases and your favorite things about the holiday season.

it doesn't take long to reach the grocery store a few blocks from your apartment building, storefronts are decorated with lights and ornaments, but the streets are all but empty. it's the day before christmas eve, and most people have already left to visit their loved ones.

the store speakers are playing tinny christmas carols, and you sing along as you go through the aisles, changbin occasionally teasing you for it. you know it's all in good fun, and anytime he makes fun of you, you sing a bit louder.

you're arguing as you go through the checkout line, neither one of you willing to let the other pay. changbin says he should because it's for his family, you counter that it was your idea, so you should pay.

the cashier smiles as you reach the register, "you two are a cute couple."

changbin's ears go red, and you can feel yourself turning almost the same color as the cashier's santa hat. the cashier seems to notice her misstep, but doesn't correct herself. you're not sure if you love or hate her for that.

"we're not a couple," you finally respond, scratching the back of your neck.

"oh, that's a shame." she continues calmly ringing up your items, but you catch the glint in her eye. it takes genuine effort to stop yourself from laughing and she smiles, winking as you hand her your card, changbin too distracted to notice until you've already paid.

when you return to your apartment, you start getting the things you need out of the shopping bags.

"hey, can you fill a pot with water? i'm gonna use it for a double-boiler."

changbin looks lost as to what you're on about, but nonetheless he fills a small pot with water and sets it on the stovetop. grabbing a bag of chocolate chips, you walk over to the stove and grab a metal bowl from one of the cupboards, carefully setting it so that it's suspended within the larger pot.

"while i melt chocolate can you start measuring things? the molds are probably big enough for a tablespoon or two of cocoa powder, doesn't have to be particularly exact, just as long as it doesn't spill over the edges."

changbin nods, "how many are we making?"

".....that's a great question. we probably have enough for at least a dozen? we can probably just make them until we run out of ingredients, it's not like they'll go bad."

"should we do half with the mini marshmallows and then the other marshmallow ones with the cocoa mix that has them in it? because they might not go bad, but the marshmallows will get stale eventually."

"good point, we can bring the ones with fresh marshmallows and keep the ones with the marshmallows mix?"

"works for me."

you hear the water starting to bubble, and you pour the bag of chocolate chips into the bowl, carefully stirring them as they begin to melt. grabbing the half mold on the counter next to you, you spray a thin layer of cooking oil onto it, using a paper towel to even out the coating.

glancing back to the stove, you quickly stir the chocolate again, sighing in relief when none of it looks burnt. pouring in the rest of the chocolate chips, you continue stirring it to make sure it's evenly heated.

as you're worrying over the chocolate, you hear the bluetooth speaker in the kitchen turn on, a playlist you made with changbin at 2am filling the space. you start dancing slightly as you work, changbin humming along to the music.

"okay, chocolate's melted, now for the hard part-" you turn down the heat on the stove, continuing to stir the chocolate as it cools and thickens slightly.

"can you grab a baking pan and put it on the island? i gotta pour the chocolate and i don't need the landlord after my ass."

changbin laughs, the sounds of metal clanking mixing into the noise of the room as he places a metal pan onto the countertop, laughing and joking as he follows your instructions on how to fill the molds and empty the excess, it takes a couple tries but the molds are eventually covered properly and you put them in the freezer in order to set the chocolate quickly.

grabbing one of the bottles of coffee you'd compromised on at the grocery store, you pop off the lid and take a long drink, sighing happily.

"ah, caffeine my beloved."

changbin sits on the counter across from the one you're leaning against, swinging his legs slightly.

"you said we're leaving tomorrow, and then coming back the 26th?"

"yeah, so we'll be spending two nights."

"are we gonna end up with the only one bed?"

"like we haven't slept in the same bed before, mr. i'm sad so you're obligated to cuddle me."

"hey," you point at him, "that was once."

he laughs, "it was not!"

you stick your tongue out at him, but don't actually argue because he's right, and you don't feel like losing an argument this early in the day. instead, you go to the freezer to see if the chocolate is set.

"ok, molds are good, i gotta get them out, can you grab the hot cocoa?"

"roger."

putting the two trays of molds on the island, you carefully flex the plastic in order to loosen the shells so they won't break when you try to take them out. soon there are about two dozen bowl-shaped chocolate shells scattered across the counter in front of you.

changbin thunks the container of cocoa mix onto the counter, "okay master chef, what now?"

trying to show changbin how to put the hot chocolate bombs together is a bit hectic, but it's fun, and by the time you're done you're both covered in hot cocoa mix and out of breath from laughing.

the rest of the day is spent packing and getting ready for your trip, it took a lot longer than it probably should've because you kept annoying each other and getting sidetracked. eventually you're done, and collapse on the couch to watch movies.

you stir as the sun is starting to rise, unsure of what woke you up. a second later there's an ache in your back and you wince.

well, i guess that's why i woke up.

deciding to grab a painkiller, you go to stand up when you realize someone's arms are wrapped around your waist. looking up, you see changbin still asleep, hair messy and cheeks puffed out slightly.

on an impulse you reach up and tap his nose, causing it to scrunch up. a moment later, his eyelids flutter. you're too busy staring to worry about being caught staring, but you still blush when he smiles sleepily at you.

"mornin'," his voice is raspy and still muffled by sleep, which is not good for your sanity.

"mmh, good morning," you smile back, "mind letting go of me?"

he just pulls you closer, burying his face in your hair.

"very much so."

his response makes you laugh, "i don't know what i was expecting."

managing to free an arm, you grab your phone off the coffee table and check the time.

10:43, we should probably get up.

"c'mon, it's almost eleven. if we don't get up soon we won't make it on time."

changbin grumbles but his grip on you loosens and you're finally able to stand up. stretching, you hear your spine pop a concerning amount and you groan, making a beeline for the painkillers in the kitchen.

opening your messages app you go to the thread with your best friend, sending may your next ibuprofen take effect quickly and noticeably, before going into your room to grab a change of clothes.

setting the clothes on the counter in the bathroom, you turn on the shower, giving the water a moment to warm up. as you wait you flick through your playlists, choosing one at random and putting it on shuffle.

you shower quickly, singing along to the music playing on your phone. much as you'd like to stay under the warm water, you know you need to get your shit together if you want to be able to leave by noon.

stepping out of the shower, you quickly dry off and put on the clean clothes, deciding to just let your hair air dry. returning to your room you chuck your old clothes into the laundry basket next to your dresser and put your phone on the charger while you wait to leave.

in the meantime, you grab the messenger bag hanging off the frame of your bed and start filling it with the things you hadn't packed the night before, mostly just your laptop and things for your classes.

changbin comes in a moment later, also shoving a few things into his backpack.

"hey, y/n," you glance over to see him holding up the switch that'd been charging in the living room, and give him a thumbs-up. he nods and adds it to the things in his bag.

"i think we're good?" you puff out your cheeks, trying to remember if you need anything else.

changbin zips the bag sitting next to him, "we should get going soon."

"we packed the hot chocolate bombs already, right?"

"they were one of the first things that got packed, don't worry."

you roll you eyes slightly, "yeah because telling someone not to worry always works."

"c'mon, let's go before you worry yourself to death," changbin takes your hand, pulling you to your feet.

"i'd be impressed if i managed to worry myself all the way to death, that seems more like something chan would do."

"and it'd be entirely jisung's fault."

you snort and grab your suitcase, well aware of the headaches jisung gave chan.

"at least it wouldn't be us, which should count as a miracle."

while you and changbin tried not to stress chan out, you both had rather unfortunate luck and he'd had to manage at least three er visits for each of you.

stepping into the hallway, you check that the door is locked three times before changbin grabs your arm and drags you towards the elevator bank. the elevator cars creak and rattle, and you think that if a fourth er visit comes up it'll be from the aging elevators. you're amazed that they're still running at all.

your apartment building is close enough to the train station that you figure getting a taxi wouldn't be worth it, so the two of you walk, talking mostly about family things.

"i'm not sure if my family's gonna give me a ton of shit for skipping, or if they're gonna be glad i didn't show."

changbin laughs, "well my family's definitely gonna be excited to meet you, not sure if that'll make up for things but, y'know." he punctuates his statement with a shrug, and you laugh.

one slightly chaotic journey through the train station later, you're both in your seats. before long, you're starting to doze off, soothed by the gentle movement of the train.

you wake up again as the train stops, the lack of movement and general chaos of reaching the station dragging you out of your rest. there's a crick in your neck, and you can feel something on the side of your head. stretching slightly, you realize that your head is on changbin's shoulder, and his head is now leaning on yours.

carefully you shove changbin away from you, shaking him slightly. he stretches, and you barely avoid getting smacked.

"wake up before we end up going to the next station," you stand, dragging changbin to his feet. you sling your bag over your shoulder and grab your suitcase, changbin following suit.

getting off the train is easier said than done, the rush of holiday traffic that made navigating the station so chaotic makes navigating the train even harder, but you make it off soon enough.

once you're off the train and out of the station, changbin hails a taxi and you pile in, changbin giving the address to your driver. it's not a long drive, and you're both still waking up, so it's relatively quiet.

however, any calm or quiet is broken the second you step through the door of the house. changbin wasn't lying when he said his family was a lot, but their excitement makes you feel warm in a way your family never did.

after a solid ten seconds of nearly suffocating changbin in a hug, his mom looks up and sees you standing near the door, and somehow smiles even wider than she had been.

a heartbeat later and now you're the one being suffocated, and you can feel tears pricking the corners of your eyes. you still manage to hug her back, and she steps away a moment later, giving you a once-over.

"so, you're changbin's boyfriend?"

"mom," changbin's tone confirms that he expected this line of questioning, and you almost laugh, "he's my roommate."

from further down the hall you hear a soft, "oh my god they were roommates?" and look up to see a younger teen sticking their head around a corner. changbin notices them as well, but you grab his arm before he can do anything.

"no murder," you glare at him halfheartedly and he grumbles.

"i wasn't gonna kill them."

"no aggravated assault either."

he rolls his eyes and his mom laughs, gesturing for you to follow her. you elbow changbin and he seems to snap back to reality, following you as you follow his mom. she shows the two of you to a guest room, turning to make sure you're both behind her.

"i can grab a mattress and some bedding from the hall closet in a minute, feel free to settle in in the meantime."

you smile and thank her, and she gives you both a kiss on the cheek before leaving.

collapsing facedown onto the bed you feel yourself deflate, the mattress next to you sinking a moment later as changbin sits down as well.

"so, thoughts so far?"

you turn your head, rolling all the way onto your back a moment later, "i might end up crying before we leave just fyi."

"that bad?" changbin asks, but you can tell he doesn't think that's the reason.

"no it's just, family acting like family is so foreign to me. not to mention treating me like family even when i'm not."

you get a gentle smack on the side of your head, changbin grinning slightly, "hey, as long as we're friends you're family as far as anyone here is concerned. honestly my mom would probably replace me with you if we ever had a falling out."

you shove yourself into a sitting position, shaking your head slightly, "don't even joke about that."

"what, my mom replacing me?"

"no, about us having a falling out. you don't need to speak that into existence, thank you very much."

he laughs, "aw, you think i'm special?"

"ugh forget i said anything," you roll your eyes, "you're the worst, get outta here."

instead, changbin wraps his arms around your torso, dragging you both down onto the bed. "it's way too late to get rid of me, sorry pal."

you wiggle around in an attempt to lie down more comfortably. "yeah yeah, now let me move, i can already feel my arm starting to cramp."

he loosens his hold and you can finally roll over so you're facing eachother, poking the tip of his nose when you do. he scrunches it up and you laugh, "you look like a bunny."

"you're probably the only person who's ever thought to call me that," he grins.

"it's not like you have many other close friends mr. antisocial."

"we have the same friends!"

"okay listen here-"

"i'm listening."

you pause, not actually having had something to say. changbin seems to notice and he laughs, and you roll your eyes in an attempt to ignore your blush.

it seems like he's about to say something, but he's interrupted by a yawn, making you yawn as well.

"we've both been sleeping almost all day, how are we still tired."

you shrug and curl further into changbin, feeling the blankets drop over you a moment later.

waking up you can hear people talking quietly, and try to figure out what's being said. changbin is still next to you, but he's sitting up now and there's a soft light filtering into the room from the hall.

"you sure seem cozy for someone who was all indignant about just being roommates," you recognize the voice of changbin's mom and smile slightly.

"look i don't wanna push things," changbin sounds tired, but emotionally instead of physically, "i'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all."

"have you considered that he might feel the same? and even if he doesn't, i really don't think he'd cut you off over it. you should have more faith in him kiddo."

you suddenly feel like you've done something wrong, a strange sense of guilt flooding over you. trying to ignore the feeling, you stir slightly, acting like you're just now waking up. both voices cut off, and you hear changbin's mom sigh slightly.

"tell him dinner is ready when he wakes up, okay?"

a moment later you hear the door to your room close again, and you rub your eyes.

"mm, what time is it?"

changbin glances at his phone, "it's almost nine, mom says dinner's ready. i think everyone else is either asleep or at least in bed so it'll probably just be us two."

you push yourself up onto an elbow, still abnormally tired, "how romantic."

you feel changbin flick your forehead and you snort, sitting up all the way.

"let's go eat then, could we make hot chocolate after?"

"sure, c'mon," changbin takes your hand and pulls you to your feet again. guess this is becoming a habit, you think, glancing at your joined hands.

stepping into the hall you realize changbin was right about it just being the two of you, the house is almost dead silent. there's still food on the stove, and you smile.

changbin makes a plate for you and one for himself, putting them on the kitchen island. you sit on one of the stools at the island, still not fully awake.

"drink?"

you smile, "just water please."

a moment later changbin sets a glass of water in front of you, putting one by to his own plate as well before sitting on the stool to your side. you talk quietly as you eat, trying not to disturb anyone else in the house.

when you're both done eating changbin takes your dishes and puts them in the sink, "okay, hot cocoa?"

"mhm! can you warm up the milk without it getting a skin or should i be in charge of that?"

"i usually use water for hot cocoa so i think that answers your question."

you snort, "okay, can you grab a saucepan and milk please?"

"yup," changbin gives a thumbs-up and you laugh slightly, grabbing one of the wooden spoons from the utensils near the stove.

after heating the milk for a few minutes you glance up again, "can you grab a couple mugs? and did either of us ever get the hot cocoa bombs out."

"i got 'em out, they should be on top of the fridge, one sec," changbin sets two mugs on the counter, the box of hot chocolate bombs following soon after.

you carefully pour the milk into the mugs, placing the pan in the sink when you're done. grabbing a hot chocolate bomb you hold it up, changbin grabbing one as well.

"cheers!" you tap the hot chocolate bombs together and laugh before you both drop them into the milk. the result is almost immediate, the chocolate shell melting quickly, the hot cocoa bomb rolling around like a bathbomb would.

after watching the hot chocolate bomb melt for a moment you notice changbin in your peripheral, holding a spoon in your direction. you take it and smile at him, stirring the contents of the mug in front of you, the milk going from an off-white to a rich chocolate brown.

when you're satisfied with the level of mixing, you hold up your mug.

"cheers again," changbin says as he clinks the mugs together and you smile, taking a drink.

"man i fucking love hot chocolate, it's literally the best winter drink."

changbin laughs, "y'know what, i gotta agree with you on that one."

a day and a half spent in the whirlwind of changbin's family and their holiday cheer doesn't let you forget about the conversation you'd overheard, and you decide to ask about it when you're back in your apartment.

but saying you'll do something and doing something are two different things, and the night you get back, you spend an agonizingly long few minutes at 2am wondering if you should just ignore it.

groaning into your pillow, you feel a distinct sense of deja vu as changbin flicks on his light.

"you alright?"

you groan again, becoming more and more conflicted.

"...hot cocoa?"

that gets you to prop yourself up and look in changbin's direction, tilting your head slightly.

he shrugs, "you seem upset and i figured if you didn't wanna talk you might want hot cocoa."

"i love you."

your mouth moves before your brain, catching you both off guard, and you can feel your face start to burn. there's not much light in the room, but you can see changbin blushing too. you want to backtrack, but you realize it's not untrue, and decide it'd do more harm than good.

instead, you stand up and cross the room, sitting next to him and putting your head on his shoulder. the movement snaps him out of the frozen state he'd been in, and you feel him wrap his arm around your waist, pulling you closer.

the silence is in a strange limbo between comfortable and awkward, and you don't know if you want to break it because you're not sure what he'll say.

eventually, you decide to bite the bullet, "you don't have to say it, we can just make hot cocoa."

you feel changbin rest his head on yours, and you smile slightly. you wouldn't mind getting used to this, you think.

"if i say it can we still make hot chocolate? or is this an either or situation," he huffs a laugh at the end of his question, and you gently elbow him.

"we can make hot chocolate either way, you dork."

"well i was gonna say it but now i'm reconsidering."

you gasp dramatically and he laughs, pulling you closer again.

"i'm kidding, i'm kidding. don't worry, i love you too."

"you're an ass, you know that?"

changbin hums, pretending to think, "yeah, that might've been mentioned to me before."

"i rescind the hot cocoa offer, i'm going back to bed, goodnight," you try to stand, but changbin wraps his other arm around you as well, pulling you back down.

"nooo, stayyy."

you lean into him, laughing. you feel him bury his face in your hair and laugh harder.

"c'mon, you made me want hot cocoa," you try to stand again, but this time changbin lets you, following you into the kitchen.

you're both quiet while you make the drinks, but this time the silence is firmly within the realm of comfortable, broken only by humming or the sound of metal clinking.

when you both have your hot cocoa in hand, you return to your room, sitting next to each other on changbin's bed once again. you're about halfway done with your hot cocoa when you feel your eyelids starting to get heavy again, and you finish the drink rather quickly, putting your mug on the small table next to the bed. changbin finishes his hot cocoa not long after you, putting his mug on the table as well.

"hey," you look at him and he turns, tilting his head to the side. you smile and lean over, giving him a soft peck. you're both still for a moment before he leans over, reconnecting your lips.

you move your hands up, threading your fingers through his hair. his hands land on your waist, and you can feel him smile.

the kiss tastes like hot chocolate and marshmallows, you think it's the sweetest thing you'll ever taste.

[actuallyevilgay]

The Apathy (Part 6)

Astarion x Male Reader/Tav

DNI if you are a minor. Dead dove don’t eat. Please read my about before replying. Content: Ascended Astarion x Male tav, this is post epilogue.

Summary: Astarion's experience of the hand-holding got a little too intense for him.. Meanwhile Gale is trying to figure out what's going on with Tav. Content Warnings: This part contains some smut! NSFT!! A/N: We get some much-needed Gale pov! Hell yeah. Hope you enjoy. Read on ao3 as well!

......

On the way back to the homestead Astarion was renting, his head was racing with many conflicting thoughts. He thought he could keep his cool.. But didn’t expect to so quickly lose sense of his composure after Tav ran off.

The smell.. He was obsessing over it and certainly needed some privacy to come to terms with what happened today. He made a mental note to look into the crazy woman situation, since she would likely show up again sooner or later, his tiefling disguise may have another role to play soon. Just in case, he had commanded the local vermin to keep an eye out for Tav. 

Tav may have tried to hide his magic powers due the guard incident, strange as it was for him to cower behind a complete stranger, perhaps he was trying to lie low.. Something about how helpless Tav behaved put Astarion on edge. He’d never seen him like that. 

Then again, if he’d been here all this time without anyone knowing he would have built a new identity for himself. No hero of Baldur’s gate, just a barkeep at a tavern which serves tea apparently. Perhaps the final fight with the netherbrain made Tav want to retire into a simpler life, leaving the idea of adventuring behind. Astarion could only speculate on the reasoning.

Astarion didn’t say a word to either Vand or Ty when he entered the house, just traded eye contact and dismissed them by silent command. He headed up the stairs to the bigger bedroom, taking off all his garments and clothes until but the undershirt and pants were left.

With an annoyed grunt, he settled down on the bed in a meditative position, only to swap resting angles several times.. Reverie would not come for him as easily today.

‘’What am I doing..?’’ The mumble tumbled out of his mouth, his fingers slid over the soft covers, finding a pillow to dig his face in.

‘’..Tav..’’ He moaned, squeezing his hands together. The vision of their fingers intertwined returned to him. ‘’Oh.. Dearest..’’ his voice muffled under a deep breath.

A cold hard yearning welled within him, building and building, becoming harder to contain with every second. A single tear escaped from his eyes.

He needed to clear his head as soon as possible.. There were things to be done.

For his trance, he decided to focus on a memory, a particularly fond one he hadn’t revisited since the break up. It was the second time he slept with Tav, only to realise he had grown fond of him in ways he never perceived himself to be able to.

The tiefling party was definitely not to his taste, even now, it still made him feel weird to be celebrated as a hero. Back in Baldur’s gate, that's what he now was known for. It took a lot of manipulating and gaslighting to make sure no one questioned him taking over the szarr estate, ensuring his road to securing the city as his territory.

Back during the adventure, the parasites were the furthest from his mind, he could only think of how worried it made him a monster hunter had joined the band of travellers.. Playing hero had never been part of the plan, the plan was to just survive and slay Cazador.. The road to freedom.

The very first time he slept with Tav was almost no different from when he slept with his marks. The smell of alcohol and dopamine intertwined with adrenaline was Cazador’s favourite part of his ritual. Only to end it with watching his slaves dine on dead putrid rats while he had finished feasting on his victims. 

But the second time, at the party, it.. The air had changed. While Tav had not been a victim or target in his mind, the first one night stand was without feeling, just sex. 

Asking him the first time was easy, the second time not so much. He was more hesitant, nervous about the journey and going out to sleep in the woods again.

With every pick-up line possible, Astarion kept shooting his shot, wondering to himself why he had been so insistent to sleep with him again even though his protection should be guaranteed by now.

It was less ‘’need to’’ and more ‘’want to’’ or.. ‘’I yearn to,’’ With a lack of better words to explain what he was feeling.. Unsure how to express it beyond physical touch.

When he eventually managed to convince Tav he would be safe, they sneaked away from the festivities to their previous spot.

He recalls walking to the little moonlight lit grove, only to turn around to see Tav quietly and slowly slid his shirt off his shoulders. The light reflected off his skin, glimmering.

While Astarion had pictured this is what he looked like to Tav that first time together, now the roles were reversed and he was mesmerised. There was something incredibly dreamy to him, unforgettable. An ache in his chest and a throb to his undead heart.

Astarion stalled, his fingers firmly clenching his own shirt while he watched Tav never take his eyes off him while undressing himself.

He didn’t realise he had frozen until Tav walked up to him bare, laying a hand on his and guiding him only to stop. ‘’Are you alright..?’’ Tav questioned in a gentle tone.

‘’Are you sure you want this right now?’’

‘’I want you.. I want to devour you.’’ Astarion replied, unfreezing and quickly undoing his clothes to join him bare.

The kiss that followed left him wanting more and more as he drowned into the touch, that uncomfortable feeling of arousal rose up and down until it found its rhythm, sending a wave of pleasure flowing through him.

His hands travelled over Tav’s skin, dancing across tiny hidden scars, pinching the subtle curves in his body. Tav’s back arched, he moaned the second Astarion’s lips found his neck.

He could bite him right there and then, but preferred to tease him.

The scent of alcohol intertwined with dopamine had something to it.. It was much sweeter without the addition of Adrenaline, which had a salty and unsettling flavour to it.

Tav kept drawing him in, his hands caressing gentle patterns over Astarion’s back and his arms. It wasn’t long until their bodies crashed onto the bedroll, with Astarion thrusting himself into Tav’s embrace.

Tav moaned so sweetly, covering his face with his arm out of vulnerability. Astarion wanted to yank his arms above his head, but decided on a gentler approach, kissing his neck until he relaxed in between the thrusts. 

When they found a common ground within the rhythm, Astarion started moaning loudly into Tav’s skin. Burying himself with sloppy kisses across his collar bone, licking the sweat off his neck.

He cried out Tav’s name, who only moaned in response at their shared climax. He took a loud breath before opening his eyes looking into Astarion’s directly. Astarion stared back dreamily, pondering in silence.

This was bliss.. It must be. It has to be.

Tav looked at him with cheeks flushed, brushing Hair out of his face. ‘’Careful now, if you’re going to keep looking at me like that I might actually start to believe you’re in love with me.’’ His chest heaved, a pure moment of honesty.

Astarion remembers the weight of the pit in his stomach. Such a sweet moment, one he ruined like so many others.. ‘’Only for tonight, darling.’’ A charming line, perhaps the biggest lie he’s ever said, and he did it so confidently. Scripted, rehearsed.

Tav’s eyes glazed over somewhat, he released a sigh, stretching beneath Astarion. ‘’You haven’t pulled out.’’ He muttered, looking away almost embarrassed as if they did not just have extremely hot passionate sex.

Astarion smirked, feeling rather gloomy when he pulled away, he frowned at Tav, who had now turned to his side, avoiding eye contact.

The vision of the memory began shifting by force, making Astarion roll his head during trance. He couldn’t control what he’d see next.

Astarion could see Tav’s vulnerable bare body one moment, only to be exchanged with a tearful and exhausted expression of shock back at the elfsong inn.

‘’You’re asking too much of me right now, I just want to sleep, to rest.’’

‘’You want to rest? Right now? Walk away in the middle of the most important conversation you’ve ever had?’’

‘’Astarion I-’’

‘’You know what, forget it. I don’t need this.’’

‘’What? I didn’t mean to insult you- today has been a lot for both of us-’’

Astarion couldn’t hear the words he shouted even though they came out of his own mouth, the once so sweet dream now ruined by the night of his enlarged ego. The rush of power fresh in his veins, only to be aimed in the wrong direction.. He didn’t mean it, he didn’t. He was overcome with emotions he could not control, and in that moment he broke his own heart in two.

‘’I’m just so tired..’’

The exhaustive look on Tav’s face came back into his mind, as he turned around and disappeared through smoke and dust.

‘’I’m sorry.’’

The words echoed loudly, sounding just as real and new as the first time he’d spoken them. Astarion could envision the scared look on Tav’s face back in the alley, the nervous glances before he ran off.

He could feel the pressure of his squeeze in the palm on his hand, which shook him out of trance. The wet dream had been pleasant, but now there was just the scent of guilt hanging in the air.

‘’I need a bath..’’

……

The wizard of Waterdeep! Gale Dekarios.. A Teacher at Blackstaff Academy teaching Illusion. Exalted wizard of a  and Ex-chosen of Mystra. Son of Morena Dekarios and beloved friend of Tara the tressym.

Not too long ago, he visited his friends 6 months after the defeat of the netherbrain on invitation by Withers.

Gale had been elated, exhausted, as his new job came with a lot of complications.. And he was much in need of seeing familiar faces. ‘’A social palette cleanser’’ Tara called it, ‘’Since you have no other friends,’’ and it had been.. Refreshing. Surely.. Up until the revelation that everyone’s busy lives meant no one had actively looked for Tav. Except for Jaheira perhaps..

Gale’s priority had been to fulfil his promise to deliver the crown to Mystra and be rid of the orb, at the time he had hoped to run into his friends again as soon as it was over with. Eager to get out of Mystra’s hair and her eye, her hands and her whims.

Who would’ve thought that being a goddess’ lover was to be a sour experience? He was over her, that much was certain.. But his acceptance of his mortality and station somehow invoked in her the idea that she could potentially influence him again. To control him.

Requesting Gale to kamikaze had been the tipping point for him to realise their power dynamic, he nearly went over the edge, compelled to take the crown for himself and pursue godhood. But no, he was above it. He was above her antics, even as a mortal.

And this time.. Gale rejected Mystra. He worried she’d smite him for the act, but no. She was satisfied and tossed him out of her realm after business had finished.

No more social calls from Elminster occurred since. Nothing, not even a letter. Perhaps the centuries old arch mage tried to distance himself from Gale for good reasons. Or, Mystra had demanded it. And Mystra gets everything she wants.

Not that it mattered to Gale anymore, he was on a different mission now. One that had nothing to do with mindflayer invasions, hoax cults on the rise, ancient artefacts, or the goddamn goddess of magic herself. 

Tara had looked forward to Gale taking a vacation from his stressful job of teaching young adults the wonders of illusion magic, so she could perch in his lap without him enduring overtime on writing original lesson material..

Gale was a stickler for details, much to the academy’s dismay.. He could not keep his word to give his class a beginner friendly course, so they saddled him with a class of chaotic mages instead. A challenge he gladly undertook, enjoying the opportunity to put his students in their place by threatening to blow himself up every now and then.

To his students' obliviousness, the orb was long gone. No more netherese influence for Gale. No more worries about blowing up the wrong place at the wrong time.

Unfortunately for Gale, his life had become chaotic still. Not because of orbs or goddesses, but because the quest to locate Tav in neverwinter had been much easier than he thought it would be.

He’d only just arrived at his holiday location and secured a place of stay when he came across a quirky little tavern tucked away in a very busy district of the city. Gale made a mental note to visit it, when he was stopped by a sending spell sent directly into his mind.

‘’Professor Dekarios. Urgent. Dharma’s gone missing. Think she went after you. Very worried. Please be lenient. Need the class. Send her home.’’

Twenty-two words, three short for a sending spell. But he recognised the voice of Dharma's mother. The woman had been dismissive of her daughter’s increasingly concerning demeanour towards him. If she was coming after him on his vacation, Gale could finally begin the procedure to ban her from his class formally…

With a flash of orange hair dye, she was right behind him, not moments later. He eyed the young woman trying to convey his disappointment by facial expression alone. He could lecture her of course, but she wasn’t worth his personal time nor his elaborate vocabulary. Learning from his past relationship alone, he opted to ignore her to see if she could take a hint.. But it simply invited her to follow him into the tavern.

After scolding Dharma with much needed help from the halfling tavern owner, Gale clapped eyes on a malnourished and gloomy looking Tav. They never spoke a word, but it kept him thinking. At first Gale thought Tav was pretending to not know him.. He looked depressed at most. Gale felt guilty.. But also suspicioned something else was going on.

The halfling was too excited for his repeated visits, and Tav’s quick glances were that of a complete stranger. Gale hoped Tav would call him out, tell him to leave. Yell at him for not coming after him.. For not helping him with whatever he appears to be going through. 

Yet.. He never does. Never, even if he had every opportunity to do so as Gale kept visiting. Gale enjoyed his little vacation exploring books with Jilvy’s other customers during club hours. A means to pass the time.. To observe.

Tav’s body language did not change. Tav’s expression did not change. A moment had passed where he could’ve feigned a look of recognition, and Gale wanted to speak up, he simply couldn’t make himself do it. Tav never questioned his silent attempts to make conversation. Didn’t question him for staring. He kept working, never sitting still for too long unless he started feeling sick. And he was sick very often.

Finally, he concluded that Tav was experiencing some sort of memory loss. Unsure of the cause, he reflected to the last moment he saw his dear friend. The absent-minded glossed over eyes, apathetic and exhausted. The same look that he bears on his doll-like expression every single day nowadays.

What could’ve caused this? The trauma of the final fight? He recalls some debris hitting Tav’s head during the fall into the chiontar.. But shadowheart fixed him up before he suddenly walked off, so.. They’ve been through many battles and Tav always kept standing right back up leading the party through the fray bravely.

Gale searched his memories, pondering for some time.. Quickly he came to a stop. There simply was no way to be sure about Tav’s situation if he didn’t talk to Tav to begin with.

Observing him quietly was weird and doing so made Gale feel creeped out by himself.

He’d hoped to run into Jaheira, Shadowheart… Or anyone else really, to converse about the situation. No. It was time to take the matter into his own hands.

He had to confront Tav. To confront his guilt for abandoning him. Surely Tav would understand he had to rid himself of the orb? But.. Then he got a job as a professor and lost track of time..

Tav was an empathetic person, but also a survival-centred individual. He definitely would’ve understood it wasn’t personal.

This conversation had to happen regardless of how Gale felt about it. He owed it to Tav.

When he made it to the tavern, it was the closing hour. He’d hoped to pass a letter to Jilvy to request a private conversation with Tav in a safe environment outside of work. He wasn’t sure how Tav would take it if he really had amnesia.

Only.. The door was left wide open. Gale stared at it, sensing an arcane disturbance in the air. He turned his head to see Jilvy waltz up to him with suspicious eyes.

‘’What’s the meaning of this?’’ The halfling looked up, carrying a large bag of supplies over her shoulder. Her suspicion faded when she recognized the worry in Gale’s eyes and took note of the letter in his hand.

‘’I shouldn’t have taken too long..’’ Jilvy drops the bag into Gale’s arms forcefully as she inspects the door. One of the hinges had come loose and it was dangling from the spare.

‘’Tav is your lost friend, isn’t he?’’ Jilvy continued, looking for the door’s missing screws in the snow. ‘’You knew?’’ Gale’s eyebrows raised in surprise from Jilvy’s casual tone.

‘’I figured as much, the boy clearly has amnesia. And I assume you figured that out yourself as well?’’ She turned her head up to Gale with the recovered metals in her hands.

Gale didn’t answer her, he looked at the footsteps in the snow, noticing a disparity in pacing. He turned around to follow the pattern, recognizing fresh imprints. One was from someone who’d have jumped abnormally far, blowing snow out of the way while doing so.. The others were dragging their heels, moving with force, as if carrying something heavy that needed focus to maintain stability.

‘’A moment, miss Fogwater.’’ Gale handed back the bag of supplies to Jilvy as she watched him draw a few symbols by hand and mutter some incantations.

‘’vide magica.’’

The divination ritual spell takes hold, and Gale sees the traces of magic. Psionic, and very familiar.. One he had only rid himself off months ago. Netherse magic. Tav must’ve retained a semblance of his illithid abilities to make that forceful jump forward. The psionic energy lingered on the ground and the door..

The remainder of the arcane traces of weave he saw were much more worrying. A failed charm spell, and a disintegrate spell, unfired. 

‘’This is bad.’’ Gale mumbled, Jilvy was about to ask him what he meant by that when Tav came running back out of breath. He nearly tripped over a pile of toppled snow when he saw the wizard with his boss. 

‘’Tav! You’re back.. Oh dear. I’m sorry-’’ Jilvy puts her groceries down on the ground this time, not pausing to make sure it wouldn’t fall to its side.

Gale puts away the letter in his coat, silently watching the halfling comfort Tav as if he were a lost boy. 

Tav, out of breath, barely able to speak, manages to stutter. ‘’T..The- Door..’’

‘’Dharma.’’ Gale can barely hear the name as it falls from his lips, only to see Tav shockingly look behind him, trying to find Dharma. He figured out she went after Tav because of his visits.. Tav’s reaction speaks volumes.

‘’Dharma who? She owes me a new door. The brat.’’ Jilvy continues patting Tav’s back as he’s trying to regain composure. ‘’I’m fine..’’ He mutters, walking over to grab her groceries for her, the halfling stops him midway. ‘’You’re not fine! You’re sweating rivers in the middle of a very cold winter evening!’’ She pulls his hands away and holds them together.

‘’Come, come, come inside. Tell me what happened.’’ She nods to Gale, suggesting he better join them.

Tav, nauseous from his experience, takes a moment to recuperate so Jilvy serves him a hot drink. Not tea, chocolate milk.

He takes a large gulp before he speaks his story, retelling from his weird night time experiences and hearing movements.. To the visit during closing hours and being pursued.

‘’Why didn’t you ask the guards for help? No- you would.. They’re.. Ugh, no matter! Those folks are too busy trying to catch a homicidal freak. Dharma owes me a door and food supplies!’’ Jilvy huffs. ‘’Has no one respect for small business owners these days?’’

Jilvy stops mid tantrum when she takes notice of Tav’s posture stiffening. ‘’And my dear employee, of course.’’ She puts her hand on his, trying to comfort him.. Tav’s stiffness does not let up. He lets out a nervous breath.

Gale raises his eyebrows at that. There’s a homicidal freak going around neverwinter? He’s only been here for little more than a week and he’s never heard of it. ‘’Homicidal freak..? I thought neverwinter was the most civilised place out there.. Well, I guess Volo doesn’t know the splendours of Waterdeep very well.’’ He jests, referencing a quote of one of Volo’s guides.

Then again.. There was some commotion in the town squares not too long ago. Perhaps he overlooked something, too busy with his vacation activities.

‘’Aye, red curved dagger. Attacked a wintershield guard during his off duties. Unusual, there’s posters of it drawn up everywhere.’’ Jilvy interrupts his thoughts.

The description, it just.. It just clicks. For Gale at least. A red curved dagger.. Unusual design, and the only likely culprit.. Tav may appear nervous on the outside from Dharma’s murder attempt, but he might in fact be hiding for committing a crime.. Whatever for? 

Tav wasn’t someone who’d just lash out against authority figures on a whim. He was very particular about avoiding the flaming fist while they were trying to figure out how to get rid of the steel watch.

‘’I’ll make sure to write a lengthy report to the blackstaff academy, if you could.. Write a complaint I can add, seeing as your business was damaged in the drama of uh.. This student’s behaviour.’’ Gale swallows. ‘’If you could, keep it out of the wintershield’s hands, I aim to look for Dharma and have her sent off as soon as possible. This is my problem to begin with.’’ He searches his pockets for his wallet. ‘’And mine to fix..’’

‘’No, no.. I can’t just take your money, dear. I’ll write a lengthy report of expenses with my complaint.’’ Jilvy answers. ‘’I prefer earning it the normal way. Besides, Tav is a victim here as well. And.. You two need to talk.’’ She brushes gently against Tav’s arm, giving his hand another squeeze. ‘’Just yell my name if you need me, dear.’’ Then, she departs with the bag of groceries in hand, not before putting a curtain in place of the broken door.

The chill creeps in, Gale takes a sip of his cup of water, watching Tav’s absent-minded eyes for a moment. He can see him shiver.

‘’Do you remember me?’’ Gale asks, finally. And to his dismay, Tav’s eyes remain the same. He looks to him as if he’s a barely familiar stranger.

‘’You’re the wizard that’s here on vacation.. Gale, right?’’ Tav answers, he brushes his hand through his hair, fidgeting with his cup.

Gale tries to figure out if now is really the best time to break the news.. Tav is vulnerable, but he isn’t sure how vulnerable.

 ‘’Yes, that’s correct.’’ He pauses. ‘’And I came here, looking for you.’’ He looks into his water, avoiding eye contact.

Tav stammers a bit, he puts his cup down and avoids looking at Gale as well. ‘’A-ah..’’ The room grows quiet as more of the eerie wind outside creeps in.

‘’..Am I a bad person..?’’ Tav whispers.

‘’What..?’’

‘’..I.. Must be.. I keep seeing these flashes..’’

Gale isn’t sure how to answer that, but it does answer some of the riddles.. Tav’s amnesia is definitely traumatic. He should’ve known. The signs were all there.. The absent eyes, the apathy and gloom. His self-neglect, he isn’t acting like himself.

‘’I think I’m being punished.’’ Tav sobs, hiding his face in his hands. ‘’You came looking for me.. I don’t even know if I deserve it-’’ He wails softly, trying to hold back his cries and plants his face on the table.

Gale stands from his seat and sits beside him with his knees on the floor, pulling Tav from his position into a hug. ‘’You were a hero. At least to me.’’ He allows him to stain his coat with tears and mucus as Tav continues to cry in his confusion. When he calms down, he wipes the snot from his nose, looking uncomfortable from his own actions.

‘’I don’t even know who you are.’’

Gale gives him a gentle smile and grabs his hand, reassuring him. ‘’I’ll tell you all you want to know my friend.. But first, I need to take care of this Dharma problem. I endangered you necessarily.. This is my fault. You shouldn’t be..’’ Gale shakes his head. ‘’I’ll come back, make sure to stay with your boss, Jilvy, you’re safe here.’’

Tav looks confused by his words and gentleness, the wizard is determined to act and return as soon as possible so he could help Tav. To repay the favour. 

It wasn’t too long ago Gale had spent days thinking of ending his own life.. And Tav was the one to tell him he deserved to live. And live he did.. Time is of the essence.

…

It wasn’t just Gale who was concerned with spending his time wisely. The next day, Astarion stumbled on towards the tavern, noticing the posters plastered all over the windows. As a Tiefling adventurer, he did look a little similar to his noble Elf self.. But only a keenly trained eye could notice the similarities. His curls were black and long, and so were his sclera dark and intimidating in this form. The red skin and ridges matched with glamoured armour did a lot for this disguise. Attractive on its own, he thinks.

He casually stood there, reading the advertisements the tavern owner had put up.. Something about a book club and a bookstore offering discounts for members.

He pondered for a moment if he should just knock on the door and act as an oblivious customer when a halfling popped the crooked door open and started chattering about the posters to him.

Astarion barely listened to her rambling when he turned around and smiled friendly.

‘’..And I suppose I could really hire someone to look after my employee.’’

Oh, damn. He really should’ve listened to what she was saying.

Given the context, this was Tav’s boss.. She likely heard of the attack yesterday and worried about him. A little odd, he thought. This halfling spends money to protect her lone employee..? A motherly look in her eyes softened his suspicious concerns for her reasoning.

But.. The door looked awfully damaged.. Perhaps she was just looking out for her business.. No, she could fire Tav from his job if she didn’t care for him. 

What an opportunity!

‘’You want to hire me as a bouncer..? For your.. Tea tavern?’’ Astarion asked, making sure.

‘’Yes, that’s what I was getting at, you look like the opportune sort? Fancy the job? I don’t want my employee and customers to worry though.. So you could pretend to be a regular.’’ The halfling nodded, clearly happy with her idea.

‘’That makes sense.. I’m expensive though.’’ Astarion thought about it, he needed to look professional to make sure the woman didn’t get second thoughts. ‘’To be honest, I think I ran into your employee yesterday- he was being chased by a.. Mage. Asked me to pretend to be his boyfriend. Are you sure hiring me is a good idea?’’

‘’Hmm.’’ Jilvy eyed his tiefling form, thinking long and hard. Then she grins. ‘’If you give me a discount on hiring you, you eat for free.’’ This halfling.. He liked her attitude. ‘’Just don’t eat all my supplies, deal?’’

‘’I wouldn’t dream of it. My name is..’’ He paused, trying to think of a good tiefling name. He had to decide fast so hoped the name wasn’t too unusual for a tiefling. ‘’Morlock.. Grey.’’ He’d almost used Karlach’s last name, but that wouldn’t be good for cover. If his friends were around, they’d put one and two together.

‘’Your name means Black Grey? Huh. Parents weren’t the creative sort.’’ The halfling then realised her tone may have been a bit.. Offensive. ‘’Oh, sorry. That was unprofessional. I am Jilvy fogwater.’’

‘’Hah! I’m a tiefling Ma’am. I don’t need to explain my.. Past, obviously.. It’s not the pleasant kind, all too common for someone growing up with horns and a tail.’’ He figured that she wouldn’t ask more, considering how he remembers the elturel tiefling refugees being treated by their surroundings. All tieflings experience some sort of discrimination. Many aren’t even born to tiefling parents..

Jilvy grows a sympathetic look, she stares at the ground for a moment. ‘’Well, nice to meet you, Morlock.’’

‘’Let's talk business, how many hours per day? How much? Will I be paid weekly or per hours?’’

‘’I knew I liked you from the moment I saw you, Morlock.’’

‘’Likewise.. Mrs fogwater.’’

He follows her into the tavern, partially listening to Jilvy pretending that he’s signing up for the book club and discussing the latest hot novella gossip.

He’s only been there barely three seconds when his eyes meet with Tav again. He doesn’t seem too surprised, just put off by a familiar face with a raised brow. Then, without a worry in the world he continues checking on his baked goods.. Working efficiently and unbothered by Astarion’s presence..

To him, there wasn’t Astarion though.. There was Morlock, the tiefling adventurer who’d saved him the day before.

‘’Aye, Tav, come here for a sec. I heard you met Morlock?’’ Jilvy chimes in, it's almost as if she read Astarion’s mind.

‘’Oh, yeah- I didn’t catch your name…B-before.. Hi.’’ He looks flustered. If only for a little bit, the glazed-over doll eyes disappear. There is a light in the darkness.

Even in this disguise, Astarion has some hold over him. Not that he can tell it’s Astarion though.. Which is the point.

But, that aside.. Astarion feels a little jealous at the looks he’s giving to Morlock.

So.. His plot thickens, while he schemes to create the perfect scenario to get Tav back in his arms, as soon as possible.

[coleisunderrated]

Not everything is happy and perfect in the Spyro AU. Here, two dragons have a conversation about their concern over the recent troubling behavior of one of their own...

"So you've arrived."

"Am I late, Cosmos?"

"Not at all, Lucas."

"Now what did you want to speak to me about?"

"You know a lot of us feel concern regarding... Zane."

"Zane? What's so concerning about him? I mean, yeah, he got scared when that baby goat jumped up right next to him but I don't think- "

"N-no, no, no. I apologize for not giving all the necessary information. I am speaking about Zane the Younger."

"Oh... I get it now."

"First, shall we go over what we know about Zane?"

"Okay."

"Hmmm... to start off, he is said to be particularly beautiful among all the dragons, has dreams that could be abstract depictions of future events, and possesses an affinity for ice magic like no other. We feared there would be some who would want him for nefarious purposes, especially after his brother Echo disappeared. We were able to find a solution... or so we thought."

"Forgive me for my rudeness but... Zane has always been a bit... odd... It's hard to tell what he's thinking and his social skills are severely lacking, especially for a dragon of his age."

"It's not surprising. Dragons usually travel across the various lands even at a young age. On the other hand, Zane has never left the lands of our clan. Not even once. Such a restriction can invariably stunt one's social skills."

"And on top of that, he rarely interacts with any other Magic Crafters. In fact, he is also almost always separated from his own dragonfly. We often see Shard flying about but no sign of Zane. But on the rare occasions they are together, there's no sense of any sort of bond between them."

"And that brings us to the main issue. As strange as his mannerisms may be, Zane has never caused any trouble. That is until recently. He's been starting to interfere with the elder dragons' work whether he realizes it or not."

"I'll admit even I have my own account of this recent string of events. Last week, I was at the High Caves making a map of the northern caverns and I heard footsteps when I should've been alone in there. I eventually caught Zane following me but before I could say or do anything, he flew off."

"And a couple of days ago, Cedric found Zane looking through his scrolls without his permission. When he asked him why he was doing this, all Zane said is that he was told to."

"I'm starting to think we all know who's behind all this. After all, no one would develop this sort of habit out of nowhere, not even someone like Zane."

"Perhaps we have allowed our faith to be blinded..."

"How do you think we should approach this issue?"

"He was already on thin ice for his behavior. But since that day, he never acted out and Zane's basic needs have been met. Well, besides social skills. Unfortunately, we haven't found any direct proof of any involvement in these turn of events and he always keeps Zane away from even us as much as possible."

"But if he is responsible for Zane's sudden change in behavior, then we led the poor guy right into the lion's den! We must stop him!"

"I understand your sense of urgency but we must tread carefully. If he suspects anything, that will only encourage him to put on an act and isolate Zane even further."

"Is there any way to confront him at all?"

"Remember, our main objective is to make sure Zane is not in danger and to help him in any way possible without raising his suspicion. We will only intervene if his behavior escalates or he is in imminent danger."

"And what if it comes to that point?"

"I'm sorry to say this but I have not thought of a plan should such an event comes to pass. So for now, we must continue to observe him and find a way to reach out to Zane without putting his well-being at risk."

"I guess that's all we can do for now..."

"We will discuss this further with the other elder dragons in the near future."

"Okay. I'll make sure everyone will be there."

"I am glad to hear of that. I will see you later."

[noodlecontuco]

5:50 AM

I open my eyes. I've been sleeping for only three hours, but strangely, I don't feel extremely tired. I turn off the alarm and close my eyes again. It will ring again in only five minutes, so I better get the best of them.

5:55 AM

I turn it off again. I promise myself that I'll get up the moment the next one goes off.

6:00 AM

I spring out of bed and sit on the edge of the mattress, anticipating the dizziness that will surely come over me in just a second.

6:01 AM

There it is. Right on time. My vision goes dark for a moment and I try to keep my eyes open for as long as I'm able, enjoying the feeling of losing my sight for a short amount of time. Sometimes, I like to act like I'm blind, turning all the lights off and closing my eyes. Letting my hands recognize everything around me the same way my pupils would if I just let them. I don't commit to it for a long time, though. Just for a shower, or a morning dressing up.

6:15 AM

I'm all dressed up already and I start putting makeup on my face. I have a final exam today, and I need to do it for the character I'm going to impersonate. I put concealer over all my zits and the scars that I left on myself when I scratched them too much. Every time I use makeup, I need to put on more concealer.

6:23 AM

I look at my watch and wonder if I have time to have a decent breakfast. I glance at the expiration date on the cream cheese and decide that I will eat. Not because I'm particularly hungry, I never am so early in the morning, but because it will go to waste if I don't finish it in a week. I tell myself that it's for my own good, that it will give me more energy, even though I never actually felt that difference on the daily basis. I try to quiet down the voice that says that I should eat less. I fail.

6:48 AM

I look at my watch for the last time before heading out. I'm satisfied with how early I'm getting out, even though I know I will spend at least forty minutes sitting in silence in an empty classroom until all my classmates arrive at eight. I put on my earphones and take the bus to university.

7:23 AM

I arrived early, of course, so it's just now that I see another one of my classmates step into the room. They all start to arrive, and my mood goes up the moment my teacher says we'll play a game I'm particularly good at to finish waking us up.

8:30 AM

I won the game. It's finals time.

8:35 AM

I just talked to the teacher. My group will be the fifth one to be examined.

9:40 AM

It's my turn already. I wonder if it will go okay for the last time, but I don't get enough time to dwell on it. It's my turn to step into the scene.

9:50 AM

It went well. Hell yeah it went well, it went better than all of the times we have practiced it before. Still, a tiny worm in my ear starts to point out the things I did wrong during the acting. I try to shut it up. I fail.

10:00 AM

The teacher gives us a break and I eat the apple I sliced this morning in the kitchen, while I was trying to keep my eyes open. I share it with a friend.

10:07 AM

Google Photos reminds me of what I was doing a year ago. I try not to cry.

11:13 AM

All the groups have finished. It's time for our teacher to tell us how it went. I'm nervous, but satisfied with my work.

11:50 AM

The teacher doesn't tell us anything good. He keeps glancing at his notebook in silence, then looks up like he's about to say something and goes back down. He finally says that, basically, he doesn't buy it. He sees through our acting, he can tell that it's acting. I see it too. But I don't know how to fix it.

12:27 PM

I wait outside of the classroom in silence, while my classmates all talk around me. The teacher agreed to tell us, in groups, if we passed or failed the exam. I'm no longer sure of how I did it.

12:39 PM

It's finally my turn. I passed, but I still ask my teacher for a way to correct my own acting. I ask for a manual, for a guide, but he tells me that a thing like that doesn't exist. I start getting a bit anxious. How am I supposed to improve if I don't know exactly what to correct? I passed this test, but if I don't improve now, when will I?

13:00 PM

I didn't speak to anyone on the way out. I just sat on a bench outside of the building and called my mom. I always end up calling my mom. I vent to her, and she tells me that if the professor can't tell me what it is that I'm doing wrong, or can't tell me of a way of improving, then he's the one that's a bad teacher. I appreciate the effort, but I know it's not true. My mom doesn't get the "there's no manual for this" situation.

13:07 PM

I take the bus back home. In silence, I look out the window and my mind starts to enter a snowball trainwreck of thoughts. To the point where, when I finally get home, I encounter an unpleasant but sadly familiar question;

«Am I actually cut out for this?»

----------------------------------------------------------

I actually wrote this ages ago, but I just happened to come across it now so

[strawbbydraws]

It’s all good, I’m happy to have my tags used as a starting point for a good rant!

I share a LOT of the same thoughts! Unfortunately I’m not able to play the game anymore so I only get a superficial view of a lot of things but like. Yeah. This is all it. This is my issue. I can't word this as well or anything, but I have a lot of thoughts. (I apologize if I am wrong about anything, I've had to passively consume the content since I can't play it so there's a chance of me misremembering things)

I WAS a Mara "hater" (I use this term loosely) but the moment she got sanded down to be more… palatable? Easier to like and understand?- I really really missed what she was before. I’m just now starting to have a deep dive into her character and now it just sucks that she was suddenly smoothed out to hurry along the plotline. I didn't like her because she was an abusive conniver but I didn't hate that she was that way, she was written well and she was incredibly interesting. I like her but also am exploding her. Yk. I'm really not a person who has it in me to hate characters (seeing the nonsensical crow hate makes you just. not even want to be like that.) but man the change made my mostly neutral feeling I had to just straight up missing her. I've been out of the loop for awhile so there may have been earlier signs, but in Season of Defiance (low hanging fruit, I know) I really started feeling the weird character shift for her and Crow there, especially when he was mourning his dead friend and she tried to swoop in and give him advice ??? Sure, he snapped at her at first when she tried to tell him vengeance was pointless and dangerous, but his "vengeance" was a nothing burger and ended up being "good" and so that just whole interaction fell flat- so he didn't have to consider what she said or even think about her after it all went down. It was strange to see her trying to comfort this dude that she spent years and years (in)directly traumatizing. He should have been closed off to her of ALL people, but the opposite happened- he opened up and shared something he never mentioned to anybody else- which in itself isn't a bad thing. It would have been interesting if this was her trying to slip back into his life when he was emotionally vulnerable but it obviously was meant to be more genuine in some capacity.

I was confused. She really felt sort of out of place in that season as a whole, like she was being forced in just to get closer with Crow. (Crow's character was definitely watered down at times, and I don't want to be pointing fingers at "the casuals" for every writing decision bc some of their attempts they made at making the guy openly flawed had major issues [see: season of the risen, my opinion is very. complicated on that] and that wasn't anybody's fault. But there was a period where I was afraid they were going to permanently smooth his "negative" traits over like his brashness, hardheadedness, and snappiness bc of how controversial his behavior was to various parts of the community- and they did make him quite subdued in Defiance in general)

It made more sense once Season of the Wish happened, it was like. Oh. You were trying to mash them together for this. To be the bridge into the pale heart. But the thing was that they didn't have to be buddies! They didn't have to be trusting for this to work! In fact, any tension they had would have made this way more interesting. Crow didn't need to trust her completely to know he had to do this, and this could have been where they finally put their heads together for everybody else's betterment.

My idea of Crow vs. Uldren is very complicated and would take a separate post that I likely won't ever make, haha. I accept most interpretations (I particularly like interpretations along the line of yours), save for ones that seem to completely reject Uldren as having any association with him, they are both interconnected enough that Crow literally says "I" and "me" when referring to him at times. A lot of Uldren IS Crow and people need to stop treating Uldren like some evil bogeyman that might pop out of him if it gets bad enough- though that's a half tangent, but relevant in the sense that initially Mara couldn't even separate them. This due in part of the grief she was experiencing, and the fact she wanted to bring Uldren back, and was even told to leave him alone when he was struggling- potentially because of how he'd react or how SHE would act, which once again makes it weird for her to step in during Defiance, even if time had passed, but it's like they just flipped a switch and ignored all the characterization these two had since Season of the Lost to make them work. You can only chalk up so much to character development before it's just straight up rushing and switching things up to make pieces fit later on. I was thinking of the bait as well!! It was treated as a mysterious feat, like he had weird abilities or *something* going on, and then the visions, the Hawkmoon, the Radiant Accipiter, made him seem like he was chosen for something- like he was almost paracausal himself, or at least was given paracausal abilities. Hell, people were theorizing he'd become the next Speaker in the sense of ushering in a new period of communication with the Traveler, and while I didn't think he'd be the next literal Speaker, I held onto that for a long time and was excited to see how this would play out in TFS since he'd literally be INSIDE the Traveler, but Cayde literally ended up being the communing with the traveler, and it makes sense, but Crow should have played a bigger role. I'm sure they had a lot of ideas that they ended up scrapping over the years but genuinely, Crow should have been given the opportunity to be something more than being there to get handed the title of Hunter Vanguard and have that arc tied up into a neat little bow. Imo he should have been weirder (aka there should have been more paracausal things happening to him there and even leading up to that point).

A couple more things you could add that are smaller on scale but still are a little weird: 1. He also was given the psion anti-light tech to look at. I'm not sure if anything was done with that but idk. I thought it'd be used in WQ but I don't think anything came out of it. Honestly, the fact he's so clever with strange tech is so underutilized in general.

2. In lore, there was mention of Ikora setting him up with another hunter and a warlock for a mission or something and nothing came of it. I guess I shouldn't have expected there to be a follow up to it, but it felt like a really weird thing to just throw in there considering he was still very much not accepted into society yet. It felt like something that'd be brought up in a future season or something but,, nope.

3. Wasn't he supposed to go to court or something??? (I was told this so I don't know if it's true or not)

The fact that we have heard basically NOTHING from the awoken who lived through Uldren's genocide is insane to me. We haven't known anything for years, it wasn't even really discussed much post-Forsaken. It would be so fascinating to see something from the perspective of an awoken citizen but is there really nothing Crow ACTUALLY has to answer for beyond what he chooses to address willingly? I don't think it's necessarily fair to do that to him, but do people at least harbor some opinion of his existence at the Reef?

I AM glad he's finally getting some time to interact with Fikrul and there's been some good shit there, even with the goofs and awkward moments in Revenant. I'm hoping there's some genuine harbored guilt and emotional pain that gets to show through... I have my opinions on how they dropped so many signs of various mental issues like depression, anxiety, ptsd, suicidal thoughts, and I don't expect him to be absolutely miserable but he shouldn't just be magically better, yk? I want him to have realistic emotions and feelings due to what he's experienced- something that has been a little lacking at times.

I adore him and I love what good writing he has, but man.. Him and Mara, and honestly Uldren as a result,, have been done dirty with their relationship- Crow and Mara have been watered down in that aspect. Why couldn't it have been strained and weird. Uldren is made to look even worse (the FS statue dialogue between Mara and Uldren still irritates me to no end) and looks less and less like a victim who also made the wrong choices, and more like the flat, obsessive villain many perceive him as- sure, there's still bits of recentish lore that try to keep that nuance, but with the narrative shift Crow and Mara had, it just really makes Uldren's character suffer as well.

Yay! You made it to the end! Have a bunny

So I hope you don't mind my grabbing this and running with it in rant format, because you got my brain going, and I'm having a hard time focusing on my homework anyway (which is kind of bad because it's due by 11:59PM tonight, but I digress...).

There are some things in D2 I can look past, but The Sov Twins isn't one of them. That? The whole *points to Season of the Wish and beyond* thing with them making up and suddenly becoming uwu magic twins where nothing is wrong ever? It still bends me into a pretzel of malcontent. It displeases me greatly. Yes, sure, I am a Certified Mara-hater (tm), but even I can step back and go "hmm, hold up" at how Mara's been run over by a damn steamroller and flattened out. Even taking into account her being shocked into giving a fuck and changing her ways, it just feels like it all happened... too fast? It feels like her character kind of did a full on 180 degree pivot that feels very... not Mara-like. The one thing the siblings have had in common is they're both stubborn bastards at the end of the day. They don't change their mind easily, and I would think old habits would die hard. When you're toxic (and powerful) in the way Mara was, you don't just suddenly change overnight. It takes time, and there will always be the great risk and temptation to return to old ways to get what you want (which, if I recall correctly, was fucking godhood, so...).

Honestly, Mara's terribleness and motivations are what make her otherwise a great foil/"companion" to Savathun. These things, however, ring a bit more hollow with her current characterization of "turning a new leaf" and becoming a "good queen, actually". Mara was great morally grey/potential villain material because she wielded deception much the same way Savathun did -- she uses secrets and lies like finely crafted weapons.

And to that end, that extends to Crow, too. I'm of the "he's still Uldren, but better" camp, so I approach him as a continuation of Uldren and all of the problems that came with that, including his stupid hard-headedness. Heck, we SEE that through the course of his arc. Once he gets an idea in his head, he doesn't let go of it very easily. Both Saladin and Eris got to have the 'pleasure' of trying to pry open that steel trap. So it confuses me that he doubled back so fast on his sister when he showed previously, once he had his memories back, to be extremely leery of her (and rightfully so). In fact, I feel like he got even more reason to be weary as time went on, both indirectly from learning about events and things related to the both of them with newfound clarity he didn't have in his life as Uldren, but also through how she now suddenly expressed a desire in him despite having been cold and the opposite prior to Savathun giving him his memories, as that sort of behavior usually smacks of honeyed words placed in the center of a bear trap.

It's a great pity we didn't get to see their relationship be complicated, and zero respect be paid to Crow's lasting trauma from his relationship with Mara. It's also a pity because the whole point of his arc wasn't just redemption, but I feel it was also self-actualization. He was finally able to become his own man. Shit, even the Memory of Uldren outright states that if you found the right little memory bubble during Season of the Haunted. And yet, with how they (the writers) have chosen to progress his story -- their story -- makes that whole point kind of feel... empty, because he just cozied right back up to Mara in SoW and that was that. It honestly almost felt eerie, because it had that feeling like he was letting the leash start to get put right back on him again. It honestly felt like we're supposed to just pretend that the PTSD and the anxiety and the PROBLEMS Mara caused him are just suddenly... evaporated? All good and gone and resolved?

Yeah I don't buy that, I hate it, and it just feels really... icky. Mara put that poor man through the damn ringer and ultimately got him killed. Characters in-universe even acknowledge that fact, to some degree. (I'd argue even Petra acknowledges it.) So it just... ugh! It bothers me so much that there is zero complexity to their relationship now. No, I don't want Crow to hate Mara (though that would be justified), but I do think it would've been more logical for him to express large amounts of caution towards her. I would've liked to see them struggle to see eye-to-eye and grow -- or not grow, even. Perhaps it'd be the futile attempt at mending a bridge that can't be repaired? A trust that can never truly be re-earned? Alas, it feels like we won't get any of that.

I've had it suggested that Mara is putting up a front, by the way, and that this is all a long-con on her part to get Crow to trust her again, and get everyone on her side for her own nefarious purposes. I would be delightfully shocked if that were the case (I mean I'd feel bad for Crow, but it would be a nice touch of complexity), but I also have zero reason to believe that would happen, with how things have been set up so far. But, now that The Witness is out of the way, who knows?

On Crow's end, I do think there is still some room to explore the complexities of his character. One example is happening right now: how he deals with the very real and very complicated consequence of his life as Uldren -- Fikrul and the Scorn. There is a lot of heavy leaning on the Eliksni side of things this Episode, but I am hoping that we actually get some juicy stuff concerning Crow and Fikrul, too. It's definitely been interesting, so far. But yeah, you're right on the money: there are definitely things that have been mentioned and then just left hanging. There are two things I can think of right off the bat:

A minor item, but I still think back to Season of the Hunt and how Crow was able to pull an Eris and manipulate Balefire and Hive magic to create the Lures we used to hunt Wrathborn. Ghost comments on this being very shocking and unusual, and does ask outright how Crow does it, to which, of course, we get a coy non-answer from our favorite Hunter. (I still maintain he was flirting with us that entire fucking season...) And I agree with Ghost -- it's weird and suspect. With Eris, we're not surprised because she's been studying Hive Stuff for a long time. Homegirl made studying those bastards her whole identity. So it's no surprise when she whips out Hive Stuff like the boss she is. Crow on the other hand? A brand new Lightbearer? Something is fishy. We know Uldren was pretty fucking smart and good at making stuff (see: the drone spy system he apparently had deployed around the Sol System?), so it may be a bit of that manifesting in him at the time, but it's still a very intriguing and odd thread that has yet to be picked back up. But, clearly, there's something 'special' about Crow/Uldren.

A bigger item playing on the 'clearly there's something special about him' line: I genuinely thought he'd have a MUCH bigger role to play in TFS given just how much air time he's been given, both in the literal sense (he's been the center or near-center of so many seasons and arcs) and in the 'in-universe' sense. To expand on the latter: other than us, the Main Character, Crow is unique in his treatment from The Traveler. He's gotten visions, which is established to be rare in this universe, as I believe only The Young Wolf and Ikora at the time had gotten that treatment (and then later, add Micah to the list). Not even the Speaker really fully got that privilege, at least not without his mask. He's been given a paracausal ship. He got given a paracausal gun. Outside of that, there's him even being able to even minutely remember things BEFORE Savathun restored his memories (remember, he actually realized he had some recognition of The Dreaming City and how to get around). And then he gets to be potentially the only Guardian to get to "fully remembers his past life" status thanks to Savathun. I believe in the case of Ana and Micah both, they only know what was recorded for them to find. I could be wrong, but still. My point is that Crow has been given a lot of unique opportunities, abilities, things within the universe of Destiny 2 that felt like they were intentionally building him up for something, and I don't mean 'building him up to be Hunter Vanguard'. Sure, that's a big thing, but in the grand scheme... it's just a title. I mean building up to have some sort of major impact. So when we got to SoW and TFS, it felt very... underwhelming for him to simply be 1) one-half of a bridge into The Pale Heart and 2) be The Guy That Wished Cayde Back.

It just feels like there's been some very bizarrely abandoned threads that don't look like they're going to be picked back up, and it's disappointing.

This is all also without touching on exploring his relationship with The Reef and everything complicated with that, because the question becomes: is he still Prince of The Awoken? How do the Reefborn feel about this after he terrorized them for literally years and basically committed genocide against his own people? Does he still have access to Uldren's spy network? There are a lot of little questions that I don't think we'll ever get an answer to.

I still love his character (although I would love more sass), but I still also lament that, yeah, true to that reblog (that these tags are from), he could be a very deep character if they took the time. And before anyone says "you're expecting nuance and complexity in a looter-shooter": *motions to Eris* *motions to Osiris* *motions to Micah* *motions to the crazy complexity of the Osmium Dynasty siblings*

Destiny 2 has the ability to handle complexity and nuance. I can accept that I won't ever fully get stuff going down to the nitty-gritty, but I do wish we got just... a little bit more.

[mixsethaddams]

Modern coffee shop Steddie AU

Steve had been trying to talk to his favourite customer for months. Well, beyond the usual “and that’s a medium, right?”, anyway. His hair was the first thing Steve noticed. Big, curly, messy hair that seemed to have a life of it’s own. It had been pulled back into a bun one day and Steve thought he might never recover. He wore sunglasses one particularly bright day, and Steve spent the rest of his shift sulking at not being able to see those giant brown eyes.

Some of Steve’s coworkers thought this guy was a little rude, even though he always said please and thank you. He always wore headphones and only barely pulled one side out when he made his order and paid, putting it right back as soon as the transaction was over, and had started a new habit of leaving his scrunched up receipt at the collection point. Steve didn’t mind though, especially because sometimes when he picked up his drink he’d call Steve ‘sweetheart’.

No one in the cafe knew his name. He would give a fake one every time he came in (a particular favourite of Steve’s had been ‘Gizmo’) and he never accepted an offer to sign up for a loyalty card.

Steve had tried everything to interact with him. He’d offer all of the additional add-ons, he’d ask him about his day, talk about the weather, comment on his tattoos. He had even googled “How to start a conversation” one morning before walking to work. All any of it earned him was a two or three word answer and a small nod as he left.

For a few weeks now Steve had been subtly editing the warning label on the bottom rim of his cups to try and get his attention.

Be careful! The beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot!

But it never worked. Steve deflated a little every time the cup was swiped up off the counter with barely a glance up as he said goodbye for the day.

So much so that one day he didn’t even bother to strikeout half of the warning. He figured it was pointless. There would be no Meet/Cute story that came from the attempts at flirting, no matter how heavy handed or subtle the approach.

Steve was on his own in the almost empty cafe to close up when the man came in and ordered his usual, decaf because it was so late, and took his usual waiting spot. Steve made the coffee with no attempt to strike up a conversation. He called out “Medium decaf latte, oat milk and lavender” and went back to getting his station cleaned up for the night.

“Hey,” came a voice from behind him.

Steve turned slowly to see the man standing at the collection, cup held up.

“Everything ok?” asked Steve.

“You don’t like me anymore or something?” he asked, a strange look on his face.

“I… what?” said Steve, not sure how to respond.

“Am I not hot anymore, sweetheart?”

Steve felt his cheeks flare.

“Didn’t think you noticed,” he mumbled, swatting the balled up receipt into the bin.

“Do you always throw those away?” the man asked, his eyes following the paper to the trash.

“The receipt? Yeah you always scrunch it up, why would we keep it?” said Steve.

“Maybe take a look at that one,” he said with a sigh, sitting his cup back on the counter.

Steve pulled the receipt back out of the garbage and unfurled it. His eyes widened when he saw what was scrawled across it in black pen.

Hope you had a great shift today, handsome!

Steve looked up with his mouth hanging open.

“You… Wrote… Everyday?” Steve couldn’t find the words make his question make sense, but the man smiled anyway.

“Uh, yeah, well ever since you started flirting with me through the medium of a coffee cup, anyway,” he said, wiggling the drink in his hand. “You always look too busy to talk so I thought it was worth a try,”

“But you never even tell me your name,” whined Steve, hating that he’d missed out on weeks worth of notes and the chance to actually talk to his crush.

“It’s Eddie,” he said simply, looking him dead in the eye. “And I always give a fake one because you always laugh at them,”

Eddie finished with a shrug and took a sip of his drink. Steve’s mind was racing.

“I’m not busy now,” he said, pointedly ignoring the fact he still had more than forty-five minutes left on his shift. “Can we talk now?”

Eddie laughed, just as the bell over the door rang and a group of four people talking loudly about a movie they’d just seen came in.

“You are though,” said Eddie, glancing towards them before taking out his phone and handing it to Steve. “But put your number in there. When do you get off?”

“I’ll be out of here in like, an hour,” said Steve checking his watch, fingers shaking as he typed his number in on Eddie’s screen and handed it back.

Steve felt his own phone vibrate in his pocket.

“Now you have mine too,” said Eddie. “I’m going to call you in sixty-three minutes, and maybe we can go grab a drink and talk for a while then?”

“Ok,” said Steve with a shy smile and a nod. The other customers were standing at the register now.

Eddie winked at him and walked towards the door.

“I’ll tell you what all those other notes said, too!” he called over his shoulder.

Steve practically floated over to the register to greet the group of customers, and thought that the next sixty-three minutes would never pass fast enough.

/////////

Find me on ao3 where I write soul crushing angst and occasional fluff! Remember to always read and heed the tags 😉

[starlight-writer]

A Quiet Day With The Doctor

Warnings: None, fluff

Written with male reader in mind, but has gender neutral pronouns

The Doctor laid in his bed, covered in blankets and held a stuffed animal, a chinchilla to be exact. It was a gift Y/n won him at a fair not too long ago and the Doctor loved it with all his two hearts. Currently, it was held tightly against his chest as he laid on his side, eyes closed and head full of thought. Not bad ones, per say, just thoughts. A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts. Y/n slowly opened the door and peeked inside. “Are you sleeping?” They whispered. “I’m not sleeping, I’m thinking.” The Doctor answered back, his eyes still closed. “Looks to me like you're sleeping.” Y/n said as they entered the Doctor’s room. “Would it be such a crime if I was?” The Doctor opened one eye to see Y/n sit at the edge of his bed. “I think so, yeah.” “Why’s that?” “You never sleep, you even hate it when I sleep.” The Doctor rolled his eyes as he sat up. “Do you need something?” “Hey, I remember this!” Y/n grabbed the chinchilla and looked at him with found eyes. “I would hope so, you won it only a few months ago.” “Well, yea, I just didn’t think I’d see it here.” “Here? In my room? Where else would it be?” “I don’t know, you just don’t seem like you’d keep stuffies in a reasonable area.” “What’s that mean?” Y/n scooted back and sat against the headboard. “You seem like a man that would leave stuffies everywhere. In the kitchen, in the bathroom, in any place but where they would be deemed reasonable places.” “Where on earth did you get that from?” Y/n shrugged. The Doctor chuckled and shuffled back, leaning against the headboard as well. “I’ve never known you to like silence and being alone so what’s going on in that head of yours?” The Doctor shrugged. “Thoughts. Things.” “What sorts of thoughts and things?” “Everything and nothing.” Y/n just smiled. “You’re a strange one, Doctor.” “That I am indeed.” Y/n leaned their head on the Doctor’s shoulder and sighed. “I know you don’t particularly like slow, quiet days, but I was thinking we could have a break, just for the day.” “Sounds slow and quiet.” The Doctor smiled. “Yea I know, how boring.” Y/n joked. “I don’t see why not, seems I’ve been hit with the need of taking it slow and quiet for the day anyway.” “Is that why you were bundled up like a child during winter?” “Oi!” “What? It was cute.” The Doctor chuckled to play off the blush forming on his cheeks. “I’m not sure. The TARDIS seemed to think my room should be the first door I see today. Maybe she’s telling me she needs a break.” Y/n hummed. “Maybe. I thought something might be wrong, this is the first time I’ve seen your room.” The Doctor’s room was just about as you'd expect. There were books littered on his bedside table, on the floor, in his bed, and on a small desk in the corner. A small radio and some pens sat on the bedside table, and a few momentos from adventures were randomly placed around the room. “Really? Well, I can’t blame you, I don’t use it much if at all. Makes me wonder why the old girl has it in the first place really.” “For days like these, I think. Plus, if you didn’t have a room, where would you put Reginald?” “Reginald? No, no, no, his name is Alonzo, get it right.” The Doctor took the chinchilla back from Elliott and tucked it behind his crossed arms. Y/n chuckled. “My apologies, Doctor. If you didn’t have this room, where would you put Alonzo?” “Oh I don’t know, probably the kitchen, bathroom, or any other unreasonable spot.” Y/n laughed as the Doctor looked down at them with a soft look. He hadn’t been able to breathe so freely before, think so clearly, act so calmly in so long. Maybe Y/n was right, maybe the TARDIS made this room for days like these, for moments like this with his favorite person in the universe. “What say you and I grab a few books from the library, make some tea, and meet back here? This room’s gotta be used for something so why don’t we use it for us?” The thought of sharing a room with Elliott instantly crossed the Doctor’s mind, it left him embarrassed at the speed of which he had to shove it far, far away. “Sounds brilliant. I’ll make the tea, you grab the books?” “Sounds like a deal, space man.” “You know, you say that like it’s a nickname or insult, but you do realize you’re a spaceman now too, right?” Y/n thought for a minute. “Mr. and Mx. Space Man it is then.” Y/n hopped off the bed, leaving a very flustered Doctor.

The concept of sharing a last name with Y/n had crossed his mind before, but hearing it come from Y/n’s mouth had shook his hearts to their core. Of course, they didn’t say it seriously, if there was going to be any shared last name, it would have to be Y/n’s seeing as the Doctor is just that, the Doctor. He had a name once of course, but it had been so long since he uttered it let alone heard it that he accepted ‘Doctor’ as his one and only name. Maybe he would give himself a last name, secretly, just for the hope that one day he would have the strength to confess every hearts flutter, every stomach churn, every weakened knees. For the hope that one day, a few years after their first date, he would get on one knee and ask for Y/n to be his for however long they have left. The Doctor knew it was borderline hopeless, he was never one to openly talk about feelings that were his own and while he was great at giving advice, he never listened to it himself. 

The Doctor shook his head, ridding his thoughts from his head as he went down to the kitchen to make tea. As he entered his room again, he noticed the lights dimmed and a few more stuffed animals, Y/n’s to be exact. “Welcome to Comfortville, Doctor.” Y/n said from the bed. They were leaned against the backboard again with a few books by their side. “It’s a pleasure to be here, Y/n.” The Doctor handed a cuppa to Y/n and sat next to them. He grabbed the first book and began reading as Y/n continued their book.

 Six books, five cups of tea, and a few hours later, Y/n was lying between the Doctor’s legs, head resting on his chest with a book in one hand and a stuffed animal cradled to their chest with the other hand. The Doctor was mindlessly combing his fingers through Y/n’s hair as he neared the end of book number 5. “Nearly finished, Starlight? Starlight?” The Doctor set his book down and stopped petting Y/n’s hair. Then, the unmistakable sound of soft snores filled the Doctor’s ears. He smiled as he realized Y/n fell asleep.

It was a finicky thing, sleep was. Sleeping can be affected by stress, mental health, physical health, and the environment around you. It was something the Doctor wasn’t particularly confused about, he just never really experienced it. Not to its full capability, at least. Sure, he’s taken short naps and slept that one time he regenerated, but he’s never dreamed or felt particularly energized afterwards. One thing he definitely knew about sleeping is that people never sleep in front of people they don’t trust or feel comfortable with. Unless you’re talking about people in New York, that’s a different story. That’s besides the point.

The Doctor felt pride bloom in his chest at the fact Y/n trusted him and felt comfortable around him enough to lay with him and fall asleep. After how much danger he got them in and how many injuries Y/n sustained because of him, they still trusted the Doctor. “I don’t deserve you…” The Doctor muttered, brushing some hair away from Y/n’s eyes. “And yet I have the undeniable urge to have you all to myself. Isn’t that odd? An old time lord desiring a human with their entire life ahead of them?” Of course, Y/n doesn’t answer, only light snores escaping their mouth. “I promise, no matter what, I will always protect you, you come first no matter who’s before me. I lo… I love you.” The Doctor leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to the top of Y/n’s head. “Sweet dreams, Starlight.”

[heyheydidjaknow]

I just wanted to write angst. That’s all that I have to say to defend this.

Questions

A candle stuck into a cookie was a novel concept. Normally, he might have grabbed something more cake-like— if not an actual cake— to light on fire, but today was special. Today, peanut butter cookies had significance. Today, they meant something to him. Today, they were not just a delightful, albeit simple treat, but a symbol of that which he missed so dearly.

Six years. It was funny; he would have never thought, six years ago, that he would be able to say that another living person would take romantic interest in him of all people and for that interest to be reciprocated. He would have never guessed, too, that he would have gotten away with it this long. He thought that there was no way he would ever be able to maintain a relationship for this long. He was grateful, of course, but it was still strange, considering that he would have to struggle to find time for a phone call today. How could one maintain a relationship with that sort of work schedule?

The wax was beginning to drip onto the cookie. It would also be a week until the three-month mark hit; if he did not get in contact with you soon, he supposed he would be without you after that. It would probably be better that way, but considering he was putting his life actively in danger in no small part because of spite, he was sure he would make time to write you a letter.

He missed you. The flame flickered. He missed your talks and your smile and your voice and your food. He missed the warmth he felt with you, the way you held him, the way you treated him like a person, all the stupid little things that did not actively help him but were missed as greatly as the sleep he could actually catch up on with you. If circumstances were not what they were, he mused silently to himself, he might have asked you to come with him, to sit with him while he worked so he might remember the reason he started doing this in the first place, but, unfortunately, Kira could kill with a face alone, and Kira would likely kill you if he ever met you, so your being here— or even having any physical or digital photos of you— was completely out of the question. It was a bitter truth, but thousands of lives, he supposed, trumped your relationship with him.

He blew out the candle. ‘Happy anniversary.’ He wrapped his arms around his knees. ‘If this is the last one, then so be it.’

“Whatcha doin?”

He looked up. “Nothing in particular.” He took the candle in one hand and bit into the cookie. “I’m taking a break.”

Misa sat down on the desk, crossing her legs as she looked down at him. “I wish Light would; he’s always so stressed out. ‘Course, you aren’t helping.”

“Well,” he swallowed, “Light’s an adult; he’s fully capable of making his own choices in regards to how long he works. All I’ve done is make sure he doesn’t leave my sight.”

“But you already know he isn’t Kira!”

He took another bite, turning the candle over in his fingers. It was, admittedly, not as good as yours— despite the fact that it was made according to your recipe— but served as a serviceable substitute. “I don’t. I just know he’s not suspicious enough to warrant imprisonment.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ryuzaki,” she sighed, “I feel like we have this conversation every five minutes, but you still don’t make any sense.”

“Doesn’t matter.” He swallowed. “You don’t need to understand right now. You just need to accept it.”

“Whatever.” She pointed at the candle. “How come you’re being weirder than usual?”

He looked up at her. “Am I being particularly unusual?”

“Yeah.” She leaned on her arm. “I spend almost all the hours of the day here, and I’ve never seen you stick a candle in a cookie. Heck, I don’t think I’ve even seen you eating a cookie like that.”

“It’s a special occasion.” He shoved the rest of it into his mouth, brushing off his hands.

She sat up. “It is? What, is it your birthday?”

He swallowed. “No.” He took a sip from his coffee, turning his attention back to the computer. “It’s an anniversary.”

“Of what?”

He started typing. “When I first met my lover.”

“Oh.” She blinked, processed what he said, and gasped. “Wait a minute—!”

He cut her off. “No gender, no name, no age, no location; if you ask me any of that I will completely ignore you.”

“Ryu— Matsuda!” She cupped her hands around her mouth, calling for him. “Get over here! Ryuzaki has a fuck budy!”

“I did not say that.”

“Sure you did!”

Matsuda looked up. “Ryuzaki has a what?”

“A— oh my gosh just come over!”

“You’re making this a much larger deal than it has to be.” He ignored the way heat was creeping up his neck. “It’s hardly a new development.”

Her eyes widened. “It isn’t?”

“No.” He kept typing. “We’ve been together for six years.”

Matsuda arrived. “You’ve been with who for six years?”

“His lover!”

“Ryuzaki has a lover?”

“Don’t you have a more pressing job to do than ask about my life?” He slowly sunk in his chair.

“No!” Misa slammed her hands against the desk, jumping off. “This is for sure the most interesting thing to happen all week!”

“I haven’t taken my lunch break yet.”

Lawliet glared at the two. “You’re acting as if this is some fantastic revelation.”

“You don’t get it!” She crossed her arms dramatically. “I haven’t heard anything normal happen here in forever! We need details.”

Matsuda nodded. “Yeah! And if you can get a lover, then maybe the rest of us have a chance!”

She fell to her knees, grabbing his hands and spinning him around. “Ryuzaki, please! I’ll do anything!”

He looked back at his computer, lines of text blurring together into a blob of disgusting mush on his monitor. He had never talked about you before, never wrote anything of you down for anyone or for any reason; leaving any sort of paper trail back to you would be incredibly irresponsible. That being said, this, he felt, lacked any sort of strategic advantage for either Misa or Light; even he, without a large backing— which Light/Kira seemed to lack— would have trouble finding someone based on these sorts of details. Of course, if she asked for a picture of you— of which he had one that was now burned into ash— that might indicate a desire to use you to get to him, but that sort of advanced, on-the-fly thinking would be unusual and out of character for Misa. Even if he did accidentally let something minor slip— which he knew hr would not— he highly doubted it would be anything relevant to them.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “What do you want to know?”

Misa grinned. “Everything.” She sat down on the floor. “First things first: where’d you meet?”

He kept his words brief. “Coffee shop.”

“That’s so cute!”

“Is it?” Matsuda pulled up a chair. “Isn’t that where most people find relationships?”

“No, think about it.” She clasped her hands together, gazing off dreamily. “You go up to get your order, catch the eye of the cute girl behind the counter. She takes your order, writes her number on the cup, throws in a smile. Oh, or maybe,” she continued, “you’re a regular, try to work up the courage to talk to her, and you ask her out in this burst of courage. You ask her out for coffee, and she laughs about being in a coffee shop—“

“It didn’t happen like that.”

She looked up at him, sighed. “You’re a buzzkill, you know that?”

“Well, it didn’t.” He shrugged. “They came up to me and just started talking.”

“I like Misa’s version better.” Matsuda laughed. “You’re so romantic! You should try writing.”

“Aw, thank you!” She tucked some hair behind her ear. “But this is all getting off track; are they pretty?”

He glanced off. “I don’t see how that’s important.”

“It isn’t,” she shrugged, “but I wanna know.”

“Well,” he bit at his cuticles, “I think they're nice to look at.”

She sighed. “I should’ve guessed; you’re totally hopeless.”

He cocked his head to the side. “How so?”

“If you want the relationship to last you can’t be so blunt.” She leaned back on her arms. “How long have you guys been together, anyway?”

“Six years.”

Matsuda’s eyes widened. “Six? With you?”

“Where’s your wedding ring, then?”

He crossed his arms on his knees. “I’m not married.”

She sat up, apparently outraged. “Why?”

He blinked. “Well,” he shrugged, “I haven’t asked them, and they haven’t asked me, and typically marriage requires both parties—“

“Why haven’t you asked?”

“Why should I?”

Matsuda chimed in. “How many people are going to want to be in a six-year long relationship with you?”

He opened his mouth, considered it. “I see your point,” he started slowly, “but considering my chosen profession, that would likely not be in either of our best interests.”

“Why not?” He propped his head on his hands. “You like ‘em, don’t you?”

He paused. “Have you ever noticed how Aizawa acts?” He turned the candle around in his fingers. “Have you ever noticed, really, how he feels about this?” He gestured with it, pigment smearing off onto his fingers. “There’s a sense of duty, sure, a reassurance that, objectively, he’s doing the right thing, but is he happy? Is his wife content, never sleeping in the same bed as him? Is his child proud to be without a father, or is she sad she never sees him?” He wrapped his arms around his knees. “The issue is not one of love or appreciation or anything else; it’s a matter of what would be best for the two of us, and there’s no point in exasperating that issue by establishing a precedent that I should be home by five every night. It’s just not worth it.”

Misa stared up at him. “How often do you see your lover?”

He shrugged. “Once every couple months, these days.”

“Why?”

“I’m busy.”

“Be busy with your lover, then!” She threw her arms up, exasperated. “You live like eighty years tops and then you die; spend some time with them!”

“Yeah.” He folded his legs on his chair. “You barely move anyways; what’s the difference if you work here or with them?”

L sighed, and held up his arm with the chain on it. “So long as Misa and Light are suspects, I can’t let them out of my sight. If I’m in sight of my lover, my lover is in sight of you two, and I’d rather never see them again than get them killed because I missed them.”

“Fair point.” Matsuda scratched his chin. “Can you just be on a call with them?”

He raised his eyebrows. “A call?”

“Yeah!” He smiled. “We don’t need you here all the time; just take a break to call them!”

“With a phone? A phone that can be tracked?”

“… See, this is why you having a lover is so surprising.”

“Ignoring that,” Misa perked up, “this is just one more reason to catch Kira, right? When you catch him, and we get him locked up, and you clear our names, then you’ll be off the hook, right?”

He held the candle between his pointer and middle finger as one might a cigarette. “I suppose so.”

“Then cheer up!” She stood up, brushing off her pants. “You’re that much closer to seeing them again; use this as a fire under your butt and get working!”

“Yeah!” Matsuda stood up. “You’re right; when all this is over, we’ll be allowed to have lives again!”

“Heck yeah!” She pumped her fist. “Speaking of lives, though, we’ve gotta run; I’ve got a shoot in an hour and the traffic is gonna be killer.”

“Already?” Matsuda checked his watch. “Already. I’ll meet you out there.”

“You’re the best!”

The two ran off, moving on from the conversation to something else, leaving him to sit, watching after them.

He turned back around, facing his computer, a dark screen meant to help his eyes by only the loosest definition. He wanted to believe them, wanted to believe that, in the next month or two or ten, this whole ordeal would be over. It would be nice, he thought, to be able to hope for that much.

It was a nice thought. He wished he believed it.

Previous Works

[five-rivers]

Danny slowly loses his memories from before the Accident.

“I don’t remember that,” said Danny.  “Are you sure I was there?”

Maddie raised her eyebrows.  “I talked to you about it just last week,” she said. “When I was asking you about what you’d like to do during summer vacation.”

“I remember that,” said Danny, uncurling slightly from his position on the couch.  “I just don’t remember the other thing.  I... maybe we talked about something like it.  When was it?”

“You were twelve,” said Maddie.  “It was just before your birthday.”

Slowly, he shook his head.  “Sorry,” he said.  “I remember, um...  What other vacations did we have?  Before the one where you thought I was crazy, it was, um...” He held his hands as if preparing to count on them.  “We went to New York that one time.  And then the Great Lakes before that...  Oh!  And that haunted house road trip.”

He frowned down at his hands, and Maddie felt something unpleasant curl in her gut.  

“Is that...  All you remember?” she asked.  

“Y-Yeah?  I guess the others were from when I was too young to remember?”

“The haunted house trip was when you were five,” said Maddie.  “Danny... have you been,” she didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to piece together other little oddities into a big picture, “have you been forgetting things?”

“No!” said Danny, defensively, sitting up straighter.  “I’m just...”  He chewed his lip.  “It isn’t as if I’ve forgotten anything recent.”

His abysmal grades and missed curfews begged to differ.

“One second,” said Maddie.  “Stay here.”

She went to her room and fetched one of her largest photo albums.  Danny was still on the couch when she came back, picking at the hem of his pant leg, and staring blankly at the floor.  Maddie sat next to him, making him jump.  She opened the album to a random page.  

“What were we doing here?” she asked.  

“Um,” said Danny, brows pinching together in confusion.  “Shopping?”

“For?” prompted Maddie.  

Danny shook his head.  “It’s just shopping.  It isn’t important.”

“Danny, this is from when we got you that model spaceship.  The one you have hanging up in your room.”

Danny blinked, and slowly shook his head.  

.

The doctor’s office looked clean.  It even smelled clean.  Danny was still doing his level best not to touch anything.  Maddie would have sighed at his behavior, but she was too tense.  She met Jack’s eye.  He looked terrible too.

“There are no signs of Alzheimer’s disease,” said the doctor.  All three of them sighed with relief.  “However...  You said the other symptoms, the difficulty in school, began after the electrical accident?”

“Yeah,” said Danny.  

The doctor nodded.  “Electricity can do strange things to the brain, sometimes.  We haven’t been able to find any structural damage, but the activity levels...”  He brought a colored image up on his computer screen.  “This is where long-term memory is stored,” he said. 

“Doesn’t red usually indicate high levels of activity?” asked Jack.

“It does,” said the doctor.  “This is actually higher than usual activity...  Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on here.  I would like to request that you make a record of things that you currently remember as happening in your life, and then come back a month from now.”

“That’s it?” demanded Maddie.  

“Right now, since we don’t know what’s causing this,” said the doctor, “the best we can do is monitor the situation.  We don’t even know if this is an ongoing deterioration, or something more gradual.  On the upside, other than long-term memory, there doesn’t appear to be any damage.  Your timeline after your accident is clear and detailed.  The cognitive tests we put you through actually put you significantly above average...  This is what we can do.”

Maddie didn’t like it.  Danny didn’t look surprised.  Or even particularly upset.  

She caught Jack’s eye again.  They would have to be ready to support him, when the extent of what he had lost fully hit him.  

.

Danny floated down the icy hallway next to Frostbite.  “This isn’t going to be one of those examinations where I have to get undressed, is it?” he asked.  

Frostbite chuckled, but there was an undercurrent to it that usually wasn’t present.  “Only halfway.”  He paused to tap Danny on the chest.  “Your mind is no longer entirely contained in your head, after all.”

Danny rubbed at where Frostbite had tapped him.  “You don’t think that has anything to do with it, do you?”

“I’m unsure,” said Frostbite as they reached the examination room.  “It isn’t unusual for ghosts to lose their memories of their lives, but that is both more immediate and more complete.  Sit down here, and take your shirt off, Great One, and we can begin.”

Danny made a face at the item that looked like an overly complicated dentist’s chair with a large metal disk embedded in the back, but obeyed.  

“Here we are,” said Frostbite, pulling a complicated ring-shaped thing from the chair.  “This part goes around your head,” he said adjusting it to fit.  

Despite his cold core, Danny shivered at the frigidity of the metal.  

“These are to monitor your core, along with the matching one built into the chair,” said Frostbite as he attached several flat disks to Danny’s chest.  

“Are they, like, ultrasound?” asked Danny, running his finger along the edge of one of them.  He didn’t like how they stuck to his skin.  

“They work on a similar principle,” said Frostbite.  He turned on several nearby monitors.  “With this, we will be able to see how your brain and core react in tandem.  Can you transform for me a few times?  I want to compare with the baseline readings we took from you when you first stayed with us.”

“Sure,” said Danny.  

.

“Alright,” said Frostbite.  “Now, I am going to try sending a few low-intensity ectoplasmic pulses and currents through you.  Is that alright?”

“Sure,” said Danny.  

The first few left Danny feeling lethargic and tingly.  Other gave him so much energy he had to leave the room for a few minutes to burn some of it off.  Another, interestingly, turned off his ghost half, not unlike the Plasmius Maximus.

There was a rest period in-between each test, to make sure that they weren’t mixing results.  During those times, Danny and Frostbite would laugh and tell jokes and...

...  Danny trailed off in the middle of a sentence.  “Frostbite?” he asked after a minute.  “What was I just saying?”

.

“I want to stress that this is currently just a theory, Great One,” said Frostbite.  

“It’s okay,” said Danny.  “Just...  What is it?”

“Your memories are recorded in both your brain and your core.  You know this, correct?”

“Yeah.  You told me that a while back.”

Frostbite nodded.  “Normally, if one is turned off, the other one is still recording memories, and the memories will be transcribed.”

Danny nodded.  

“Or, if they are disconnected, in the case of the Plasmius Maximus, or your parents’ ‘Ghost Catcher,’ they will swap memories.  However...”

“Yes?”

“It is my theory that certain kinds of discrepancies between memories can lead to your core deciding that the discrepancy is an error and attempting to remedy it.  Great One, your core did not exist prior to your accident.”

“So, it thinks my memories from before that are wrong, and it’s getting rid of them.”

“I’m afraid it may be so.”

“Can you stop it?  I mean, you were able to artificially induce it, earlier...”

Frostbite made a face.  “The only things I can think of that could stop this would be unhealthy in the long run.  I do not believe you want to try to split yourself in two again.”

“No,” agreed Danny.  “Any-Anything else?”

Frostbite sighed.  “This is not something I can confirm,” he said, “but I suspect that the reason for your odd pattern of your memory loss is that the memories you dwelled on most often vanished first.”

“Oh,” said Danny.  “Because that would bring them to my core’s attention...”

Frostbite nodded.  

“Well.  That’s... not ideal.”

“I’m sorry, Great One.  Would that I could do more.”

.

“It’s all gone,” he said, without preamble, as he stood at Jazz’s door first thing in the morning.  

She looked crushed.  “Are you sure?”

Danny nodded.  “I remember remembering, but I don’t actually remember.  It’s weird and...  actually kind of a relief,” he said, tilting his head to one side.  

Jazz blinked rapidly.  “Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”

He shook his head.  As his memories had disappeared, so had most of his remaining trust in his parents.  Between the memories of them caring for him, and the memories of them attacking or threatening him, the latter were more vivid.  

He still loved them, and his ghostly desires, that he literally could not remember living without, still focused on them, but that and trust were two different things.  It had been months since he’d started to fake retaining memories that he only knew about from reading his journals.  

“Sam and Tucker?”

This time, Danny nodded, the gesture much more enthusiastic.  “We were going to meet up later today, anyway.  Do you want to come with us?”

“Sure,” said Jazz.  She rubbed at her eyes.  “Give me a second.”

Danny nodded.  He wasn’t in a hurry.  “I’ll be downstairs.”

He could understand the grief.  He had felt it.  But it was over, now.  The only thing left was to make new memories.  

[jslittlebirdie]

Here Without You

Pairing: Soft!Ledger!Joker x Reader

Summary: Your last days have been really bad and exhausting. There are always new problems you have to take care of, you feel tired and burnt out, and on top of that, J hasn't shown up for several days. That was until today.

Word count: 1,344

Genre: probably a bit angsty / fluffy comfort / self-insert

Warnings: Reader has a bad day, low self esteem

Notes: A very big thank you to my dearest best friend @fan-of-pretty-much-2-much for encouraging me to post this fic. What would I do without you, your support and love? I own you so much🥺😭 Also, thank you so incredibly much for this simply beautiful title💜

Well, this fic is a total self-insert😅 I basically wrote it for myself as a comfort. So it's probably too cheesy and my characterization of J is way too soft and ooc. But maybe someone will like it anyway, I don't know. So read at your own risk lol🙈 Also, the text is unedited and English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Taglist: @ajokeformur-ray @sacredempressnatlyia @rommies

It had been days now since you last saw your clown. News reports were your only clues as to his whereabouts and well-being. You didn't blame him, he was a busy man - a free man who came and went as he pleased - and you wouldn't keep him from his business. Even though, if you were honest, you would love to not let him leave your apartment ever again, and instead keep him with you where you knew he was safe; not that he couldn't take care of himself.

But you missed him terribly. And on top of that, your doubts and insecurities were getting worse with each passing day. You probably weren't good enough for him, too boring and annoying with all your worries. Would he ever come back to you? Was he tired of you? Had you perhaps upset him without knowing it?

And today... Today was a particularly bad day. Already early in the morning the day had started with bad news, new things you had to take care of. Problems kept coming up, there just seemed to be no end in sight. Once you had taken care of one thing, two new things popped up. You felt overwhelmed, burned out and tired. You longed for a break. You longed for him.

A familiar noise. But you only heard it very distantly. You were far too lost in your sad and gloomy thoughts. You sat on your bed and stared at the wall. Your eyes hurt because you tried to hold back your tears as hard as you could, even though you knew it was wrong. But you wanted to stay strong, not show any weakness.

The noise came closer, heavy footsteps. The door to your room cracked open and a face painted with makeup peered in, looking for you. When J spotted you, he grinned mischievously. But his good mood soon changed when he saw you in this miserable state. He immediately noticed that something was wrong, even if he didn't quite know what it was yet. So he entered your room without waiting for you to give him your permission. And even when J stood right in front of you and looked at you with his beautiful dark eyes, which actually showed a hint of concern, you hardly reacted, which admittedly only worried him more. Because you normally ran up to him at the first sign of his presence. But today was... different. And he didn't like it at all.

"What's the matter, toots, hm? I'm back, I'm here."

You stared at him, but you couldn't see him. You hadn't quite realized yet that he was truly standing in front of you. It seemed more like your mind was playing a trick on you - an evil trick to torture you even more. "I'm so sorry, J," you finally uttered. It wasn't so much directed at him as you were talking to yourself.

"You're sorry for what?" He frowned thoughtfully. He couldn't remember anything you had done that you needed to apologize for. But it wasn't a surprise that you apologized in the first place. You apologized for the smallest things, sometimes even for apologizing. But this time, he was a little bit confused.

"I don't know. That I annoyed you with... with me being the way I am. I don't know, okay?!" That was the moment you snapped back to reality. You saw him. Standing in front of you, in his usual slightly bent posture, his head tilted to one side as he tried to figure things out. And that's when you couldn't hold back your tears any longer.

Intuitively, J leaned down towards you and reached out to cup your face with his gloved hands. But you flinched away from him, too ashamed and insecure. "No, J. Don't!"

But he didn't let that stop him. Even though you had said the exact opposite, he could tell by the look in your eyes how much you wanted him. And it caused a strange feeling to rise in his chest - he wasn't sure what to think of it, so he just shrugged it off and focused all of his attention back on you. He sat down next to you, wrapped his arms around your body that was trembling with tension, and gently pulled you to him. This time you let it happen; the second he touched you, you were like putty in his hands. Moments later you found yourself on his lap and you couldn't help but cling to him as tightly as you could, your tear-streaked face buried in his broad chest, inhaling his scent between heavy sobs - a mixture of burnt rubber, gasoline and sweat (he had been out there for days, of course, he hadn't had time to worry about such trivialities) and something so specifically J that your heart ached. Oh, how much you had missed him. All you wanted and needed was him. Your J. It was kind of ironic. While others ran away from him in sheer panic, you longed for him. You had never been like others, you saw so much more in him than just a criminal. To you, he was your charming, sometimes pretty grumpy, but still in his own special way caring and loving clown - but you better not say this out loud. You just loved him. This realization hit you so hard that a new wave of emotions washed over you.

"Shush. I'm here, I gotcha." He shifted beneath you, loosening his grip around you, causing you to sigh in frustration. Rustling of expensive material and then suddenly you felt all warm - he had wrapped you in his royal purple coat and then put his arms around you again like a vice. You were in the warmest, safest embrace you could ever think of. Immediately, your body relaxed, your trembling finally subsided. You listened to his steady heartbeat and mimicked his breathing. J hummed and smiled to himself as he noticed your reaction.

When you finally felt calm enough, you lifted your face off of him so you could look at him; your eyes were bloodshot and dark rings stood out beneath them. He hated to see you like this, but he said nothing; he waited until you were ready to talk. And you were ready. You took a deep breath and finally murmured, "Today was just a shitty day. There's so much to do and it seems to never get any less. Everything is too much. And I... I missed you so much... I thought you weren't coming back."

"But here I am, right?" He squeezed you a little tighter to put emphasis on his words. "I know you've got a lot going on right now. But ya got this, toots. You're tougher than you think you are. Aaand..." A huge and devious grin formed on his lips. You could literally see him thinking about all the things he had done in the past few days. "I need to lay a little low for the next few days."

"Yeah, I picked up something like this on the news. What is it this time?" You're no longer able to suppress a weak giggle. And a yawn. You were so very tired and exhausted, you hadn't slept well since J left, when he wasn't by your side. But now that you were cocooned in his protective warmth... Your eyes grew heavier and heavier. "So does this mean you're staying home, J?"

"I'm not going anywhere, sweets." He moved you both on the bed until you were in a lying position, you still on top of him wrapped in his coat. Even though he would never admit it, he had missed you too. And holding you in his arms like that - feeling you, knowing you were safe and relaxed - made him aware of his own exhaustion. He pressed a sloppy kiss to your forehead, leaving a beautiful reminder for you when you woke up in the morning, and then closed his eyes himself.

[cinnamonest]

Y’all are too nice to me I swear… here I am being horny and nasty on main and I’m getting encouraged, damn. But for real  ( ´ ω ` ) thank you so much!!

I’m gaining more confidence to post more smutty stuff and the kind of dark shit I like, so I might go back and make more nasty Childe content later on too… After Albedo, I got Razor and Zhongli coming up, and a few ones I just worked on for fun. But yeah, just in case it wasn’t clear for anyone who followed me, I’m going to be writing almost entirely dark content and some really nasty stuff, so just be aware of that, and don’t consume my writing if that’s something that may be harmful to you.

Albedo is so pretty… and such good dark content material… He treats you like a science experiment but has the audacity to make it hot smh

I haven’t seen a whole lot of him outside the cutscenes, so potentially ooc (as if yandere content isn’t already ooc, lmao)

Albedo - Yandere Profile

tw: general yandere content, obsessive behavior, stalking

tw (below cut): smut, noncon (seriously, you’ve been warned)

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Very much aware. In the beginning, it frustrates him. He’s never been particularly attached to anyone, outside of his former instructor. He’s always enjoyed being out on his own, spending extended amounts of time by himself – the desire to be around someone is a foreign feeling for him. He immediately notices how bizarre the emotion is for him, how it changes his behaviors. His self awareness combined with perceptiveness makes him able to acutely recognize not only how unusual this emotion is for him, but also how the extent of his feelings, the types of desires they ignite in him, is unusual even for “normal” people who aren’t social recluses.

He’s frustrated by his own actions, feels embarrassed at how attached he is to you, how easily you make him flustered and trip over his words. As he is a very aware yandere, he’s definitely afraid of rejection to some degree. He has no idea how to navigate feelings and interactions with other people, he’s never really had the desire to form a particularly strong bond with anyone before. As such, he’ll come across as very awkward, and he will interact with you less than most yanderes – he knows he’s just going to embarrass himself if he talks to you, right? He’ll just mess up and say something strange, so instead, he opts to watch you from the shadows, go to places where you are, but keep a distance from you, just being able to watch you makes him feel fluttery and overwhelmed. 

He will definitely be one to collect things from you. He collects plenty of things for the sake of science, this is no different. Or so he tries to tell himself, but he can’t delude himself even if he tries. He knows its weird, he knows its wrong, but the overwhelming urge to have things of yours is too great to resist. He’ll start off with more innocent things, but it will gradually progress to not-so-innocent… items of yours.

It may not be obvious, but he’s actually a fairly sensitive person, at least regarding you. He places a lot of value in what you think of him, and wants to ensure you’ll respond positively to him. He views it like a science – there should be some formula by which he can put in the correct actions, and produce a specific result. Unfortunately, unlike real science, there’s not much room for trial and error – he feels he only has once chance.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It will take some time, as he’s got to get over his own nerves first. He’s torn between the fear of you hating him for such a thing, it would be the end of the world for him, but also the desire to pull you away from the world, to keep you hidden from others, to have you all to himself, to be the only person that gets to look at you. If you start showing positive signs, reacting positively to his gifts, expressing interest in conversation with him and going out of your way to see him, he’ll start to get more confident, think that he can afford to do something that might sour your opinion of him, hoping it will merely be temporary.

He’ll probably start to do so several times and back out. He’ll set out at night, make it all the way to your room and stand over your sleeping form, and he’ll start to worry, wonder if someone saw him, see holes in his plans, he gets too nervous and bolts. He’ll persuade you into being alone with him, and although its the chance he’s looking for, again, he’ll get nervous, worry about being caught, run through all the what-ifs, and miss the chance. Honestly, when he does finally take you, it will probably be not planned, but in the heat of the moment, a rash decision from desperation. Something like you coming to visit him to tell him you’re leaving the area, came to say goodbye, and he’ll panic, ultimately grabbing you by the arm as you try to leave and dragging you back inside, silently, but forcefully.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Moderately difficult. Your best bet is to take advantage of his tendency to be absent minded when he’s absorbed in his work. He gets very lost in his thoughts, to a point where he’ll completely zone out and be oblivious to the world around him. On the downside, this means you won’t have much time to cover distance, he’ll be close behind the moment he realizes you’re gone.

The route he’ll probably take is actually one where you won’t need to be too restrained, because you’ll be taking… a little research trip. Out to the most freezing, desolate areas of the mountains. He’s convinced the knights he needs to stay there for his research, but in reality, he’s internally panicking, as he tries to figure out how to make this work – after all, you two can’t stay here forever. You’d be foolish to run out of the little cabin he’s bought, out into the perilous freezing cold and jagged, high slopes. At first, he thinks there’s no way you’d try it, so he’s content letting you have free reign to walk around as you please. If he has to leave for whatever reason, he’ll probably lock you into a single room, but he won’t chain you up, as again, he's really trying to avoid making you hate him.

If you prove to be determined to leave, he’ll be hurt, but mostly concerned for you. He’s actually not one to get too mad over an escape attempt – he’ll blame himself, or theorize it’s just a natural response your brain triggered. Against his first choice, he’ll end up having to get more strict with your restraints. If you get too whiny, though… you might trigger one of his more frustrated moments.

“I didn’t want to have to do this… I’m sorry. I can’t risk anything bad happening to you. Tell me if it’s too tight… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t blame you. I know you’re probably panicking over all this, but you’ll get adjusted to it, I promise. Just… just give it some time… it’s not so bad, living with me, I promise.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re only tied up because you tried to leave. You should understand why you have to be kept like this… If you don’t want to be restrained, you shouldn’t have run out, trying to get yourself killed.”

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

For all his academic intelligence, he’s not highly skilled with people and socialization. He’s not too good at being able to tell when he’s being lied to, and he definitely won’t pick up on subtle manipulation. It’ll be pretty easy to wrap him around your finger, he��ll do what he can to make you happy.

Once he finds out you’ve lied to him, though, he’ll get pretty upset. He likely won’t trust you again, and will require proof of anything you say, or set out to find out if you’re telling him the truth or not.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He’ll try to accommodate you, giving you things you ask for, but he has limits. He’s too paranoid to let you have any contact with the outside world. You do have him wrapped around your finger to an extent, though. Whatever he’s doing at the moment, he’ll drop it in a heartbeat if you want to spend time with him in any way, even if its just you asking for food or to take a walk. He’ll be willing to take you for very short trips outside, no further than a few yards from the lodging, if only because he knows sunlight is vital to your health.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

The basics will be there – don’t try to leave, don’t be difficult with him, try to cooperate, be obedient. However, he’s also particularly overprotective of anything that can hurt you – even yourself. Under no circumstances can you handle anything that can hurt you – that means no cooking, no knives, no lifting anything heavy, no going outside without him. If you’re determined to cook something, he’ll have to stand right behind you, and watch while you do it. If you get so much as a little cut or burn, he’ll take over, insisting you go sit down after he tends to your “wounds.”

At the very beginning, he’ll be hesitant to punish you too much, as part of his plan to get you to like him. However, he can be a little easily frustrated, and your safety and well-being comes first, even if it means he has to make you upset. He will have to restrain you, take away what little privileges you had. If you try to bolt while you’re outside, no more going outside. If you try something foolish like attacking him with a knife when he gives you cooking privileges, you will lose said privileges. Really, the worst part of it all is the humiliation, being treated like a dumb, incapable baby that can’t do anything for yourself. He insists on doing everything for you, even down to bathing you and dressing you, even feeding you if you can’t convince him to take restraints off your hands. He’ll talk down to you in that way, too, talking to you as if you were a child.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

It’s a situation he’s not prepared to handle, and he’s unsure of what to do. It strikes fear in him that you might have someone else interested, so he has to get rid of them as quickly as possible. He’s not opposed to killing, if it comes down to that, but initially, he’ll try to work behind the scenes – expose something that will ruin their reputation, get them accused of a crime. This would also be one of the possible aforementioned situations that might cause him to kidnap you a bit earlier than he normally would, as well. If he can’t get rid of them easily, he’ll just take you away from them.

He will absolutely try to make you hate them, try to ruin your image of them, and he’s rather good at falsifying evidence for his claims of their behavior. With his alchemic skills, that sort of thing is easily possible.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

He gets more frustrated than anything, when you’re being difficult. This is mostly just him sighing quite a bit, speaking a bit harshly, even pouting and sulking a bit if you’ve offended him. But true anger in him is not pretty, and almost never happens. It’s a buildup, a slow rise that has a boiling point. If he reaches that point, he can definitely get mad enough to hurt you, it’s actually kind of terrifying in how sharp of a contrast it is to how he normally is. It’s a side of him that’s very difficult to draw out. He’s not one to yell or shout, no, his anger is a suffocating silence, he slams down whatever he’s holding as he stomps over to you, grabbing you by the arms hard enough to bruise, and dragging you by the hair to whatever he has planned.

With mild frustration outbursts, he will feel justified, but if it reaches that intense anger, he’ll usually give at least a little apology, tell you he didn’t mean to go that far. He hates to think of you fearing him, but ultimately, if that’s what’s necessary to keep you safe, then he can live with it.

Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

It’s an odd mix. On one hand, he sees you as utterly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on, more than any landscape or art he’s seen or made, an invaluable treasure to be kept on a high pedestal. Simultaneously, however, he will treat you like a child, thinks you can’t do anything for yourself. It’s a bizarre duality, but one he is consistent on. You’re precious, so very precious, and he’s undeserving of you, but at the same time, you need him to be safe and sound.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Of the genshin boys, he’s one of the most determined. He’s not good with people, and he doesn’t really have anyone particularly close to him left anymore. He tends to keep people at a distance. You sort of fill an space inside him that he never knew was empty, a void he wasn’t aware he had until it was consumed by thoughts of you. He doesn’t need anyone or anything else, so long as he has you with him, but he really, really wants it to be true that you love him. He doesn’t need you to even love him as much as he loves you – he doesn’t even know if that’s possible – but he just wants to know that, even if only in the slightest, his feelings are returned. He’s so distant from everyone else, but you wormed your way into his heart, even if you didn’t intend to, with your smiles and softness and kindness towards him. For the first time, he feels weak around someone, but in a way, it’s a good feeling. He wants to be able to be vulnerable, be weak, and not have anything to fear by doing so.

He’s lucid, though, so he doesn’t expect you to love him immediately. As he’s not good with words or displays of affection, he’ll get you all sorts of gifts. Rare items that you wonder how the hell he obtained them, beautifully crafted little trinkets from all his searching and time traveling, more clothes than you could ever wear. You’ll start to feel a little guilty, it’s so much, and you’re certain he doesn’t have that much money. He’ll blow it off, say it’s no big deal, but if you insist, he’ll have to start finding new ways to convey his affection. In captivity, he won’t stop trying, but he’ll understand why you might be angry. In that case, he will utilize what he’s learned from research in books he’s read. He knows that eventually, with him being the only one you have, the only company, the only one to talk to, the only source of touch, you’ll eventually have to cave. You’ll become attached to him, bond with him, whether you like it or not. He knows how powerful the affect of touch can be, and will make sure to hold you in his arms, keep you on his lap, make you crave the only source of human touch you can get. Dependency, he thinks, is the gateway to you loving him.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Drawings. So many of them. Much like his drawings he uses in notes, he’s found he tends to start scribbling a familiar face when his mind drifts off. He’s memorized every little detail of your face, every curve on your body. If you’re ever snooping around, you’ll eventually uncover a book of sketches he has solely dedicated to drawings of you. Drawings of you laughing, smiling, sleeping, drawings that you’re certain were of real events you were at, that you didn’t remember him being at. Every bit in perfect detail. If you confront him about it, he’ll be horrifically embarrassed, insisting they’re no good, or, if you’re upset, trying to reassure you it was all from his mind and totally not him lurking in the shadows as he watches you.

Also, if you want to make him happy, get him on one of his spiels about his work, his interests, anything that he can catch onto and go on and on about. He’ll catch himself rambling and apologize for being “annoying,” but if you reassure him, and express interest, that will make him feel particularly appreciated. It would be a primary way to get on his good side and manipulate him, or lull him into false security to make your escape, if that’s what you’re looking to do. But be warned, it will only work once, and he’ll be far too hurt to let himself indulge in sharing these things with you again.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Publicly, definitely highly reserved. He’s easily flustered, and thinks of sex in a very scientific way, for the purpose of procreation. For fun? He knows it’s enjoyable, but can’t separate it from his very analytic, scientific way of viewing things. It’s a formula, you touch this here and pull that there, and the result is supposed to be orgasmic bliss. He just isn’t very familiar with pleasure – he doesn’t drag out masturbation, even, as that would be a waste of time. He gets it over with quickly, taking short breaks during his work. He is a fairly high drive, though, and gets the urge fairly frequently, about once or twice a day.

He’ll be hornier with your presence, having to leave more frequently to get off to the little things you do, quickly getting himself off while recalling the mental image of you holding a pen in your mouth, the little moan when you stretch, the way your clothes fit to your frame.

Prior to abduction, he’s not particularly touchy at all, in fact, he’s very jumpy if you touch him. Once he’s gotten you alone with him for the foreseeable future, isolated, dependent, he’ll gain more confidence, be willing to give into his cravings to touch you, hold you, eventually progressing to groping you, moving his hands up and down your body, under your clothes, slowly peeling them off.

He’s initially a bit ashamed of his urges towards you, feels guilty every time he gets off to you, but will likewise gain more confidence once you're his.

A guy can only fight off the urge for so long before he cracks, before he can’t continue to care about the consequences. For him, that point is when he knows he finally has you all to himself – his worries fade, and while the guilt is still there, it’s far outweighed by desire.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He does care, but as stated previously, it’s hard to fight the urge for so long. It will be torture, but for the first few days, he wants you to “adjust” to your new “home,” and not add to your panic. After that, though, he’ll try to assess your reactions. If you’re extremely resistant, he’ll give you more “adjustment” time. He can’t really hold off forever, though, and eventually, maybe a few weeks in, comes to the conclusion that if he just does what he wants, so long as he’s gentle and reminds you he loves you, it will help you get past the mental barrier in your mind. He’s convinced there’s simply a psychological issue, and that sometimes, people need a push. It’s like having a friend who can’t swim – sometimes, you just have to throw them into the water, help them get over that mental hurdle, and they’ll be grateful in the end. That’s what he tells himself to justify it, anyway. He has enough… anatomical prerequisite knowledge to know what’s good and what’s bad, and will take your body’s positive reactions as a sign of what you really want. Is definitely the kind to use that against you, holding up his fingers to your face after you cum on them, as if to prove a point.

“See? I told you, you just have to let go and give in to what you want… if you didn’t, my fingers wouldn’t be dripping like this, now would they?”

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

He wants to experiment on you. This manifests as him being something of a service top without really intending to be, even if you’re not exactly happy about it. He likes to watch your reactions, watch the way your body moves, test the pleasure you get from different things, discover what it is that you like, even if you weren’t aware of it. In particular, he’s fascinated by the fact that girls have so many types of orgasms. He’ll want to try them all, watch and see which ones are more intense than others, which ones make you convulse, makes your toes curl, your eyes roll back. Which erogenous zones make your breath hitch, make you twitch and whimper. Probably the type to be determined that he can make you cum just from something like sucking on your nipples, and he won’t stop until he achieves it. He’ll also want to try everything. At least anything that he thinks has some potential to appeal to him, mentally. He’s a busy man and hasn’t really taken the time to explore his own sexuality, and has virtually zero experience.

Edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms

Experimentation also means testing limits and thresholds. He’ll bring you up to the edge, learn to watch for the slightest of signs that you’re close, listen to your breath, watch your face, wait until you’re just so close and then draw back, stopping just short of letting you catch that high. Then he’ll let you drift back down, and bring you back up again. No amount of begging will make him show you any mercy, you’ll only cum when he’s decided he’s observed enough. He wants to push the limit, see just how close to the edge of orgasm you can get without spilling over, just how much it takes to drive you insane. He’ll also want to see how far you can go after it as well. Orgasm won’t be the end of his ministrations, no, he wants to see how much stimulation you can take. You won’t be able to get away from his tongue, he’ll grab you by the hips and slam you back down, continuing to lap at you even if you’re so sensitive it’s painful. Watching you cum will just make him rut into you harder, bruising and abusing your insides to a point that they’re so sore you can feel it long after it’s over. At first, he might feel a little guilty, and may very well after it’s over, but in the heat of the moment, he can’t fight the insatiable urge to listen to you squeal, feel you convulse, watch the tears from overwhelming pleasure run down your face.

He’ll make it his personal mission to see how many orgasms the female body is capable of within a given amount of time - per day, per hour, how quickly you can have them in succession. For scientific purposes, of course. Anatomy and human biology isn’t really his main field of focus, but he likes to expand his research horizons.

“Just one more… cum one more time for me, then we’ll be done. Come on… I know you can, just one more.”

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’s actually good with children, usually. He has a calming effect on kids. He isn’t sure how he feels, though. To some degree, he fears his capabilities to parent, thinks he would be too cold to be a good father. But he also likes the idea of a protege, an heir to his title, one he can teach everything he knows. If he does end up having one, this fucking nerd man will read every book on pregnancy, birthing, and parenting that he can get his hands on.

Also, he’ll absolutely be one to track your cycles, even better than you can. He’s researched enough to know exactly when you’re most or least likely to get pregnant, and you can’t help but notice how much more he seems to cum in you when you’re at your most fertile. Nor can he deny how satisfying it is to watch his cum slowly drip out of you, watching you twitch with aftershock and slowly drift off in exhaustion.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Unfortunately for you, since overstimulation and edging are already normal and everyday for you, he’ll have to amp it up a bit if he’s trying to make you regret something. He might get rougher, abusing more pleasure spots on your body, keeping his hands, mouth, and cock occupied all at once with driving you over the edge until it’s painful. But if you’re exceptionally misbehaved, you might not ever get a release to his edging, instead left to suffer from being so close, tied up so you can’t finish yourself off.

In moments when he’s really, truly angry, the peak of it, and that blends with arousal, he’ll really, really throatfuck you. Grabbing the back of your head and shoving his cock down as deep as he can, holding you there as you gag and choke, feeling your throat convulse around him, desperately trying to pull back for air. The movements are harsh and brutal, pulling harshly on your hair, moving at a pace so fast you barely have a second to breathe. Thankfully, when it gets like that, he won’t last long, emptying out into your throat, holding your jaw shut and demanding you swallow. If any spills off on your chin, he’ll gather it up on his fingers, hold it to your face, and command you to open your mouth, suck it off, and swallow again. That’s at the peak of his anger, though, and you’ll have to substantially piss him off to reach that point. He’ll apologize later, holding you close, but his guilt doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the most intense orgasms that he’ll have, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think of doing it again, even without provocation. He’s restrained enough not to, but the thought is there… and deep down, he’ll entertain the idea.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

The curves of your body, no matter how defined or faint they are, no matter the general shape of your body, to him it’s the most beautiful thing. He’ll definitely want to draw you, even if you’re not too keen on posing. He’ll run his hands up and down your body, squeezing every little bit of flesh he can, moving his palms over every little curve, every inch of your skin.

[themauvesoul]

So I started thinking about an anon that you got a while back that said something like ‘supernatural was pretty normal about gay people when they were present, why do they act like this with Dean?’

And the thing is I recently looked at a different tumblr that collected a lot of the shows grievances with gay people (besides jokes.)

The word gay is said 13 times in total, half by Dean and the rest are mostly one off characters (apparently never after season 8 except for the one time in a preacher’s sermon.) Homosexual is said once. No actual queer person identifies themself as such. They imply and talk around it until the characters and by extension the audience realize.

No one is allowed to kiss anyone of the same sex that they are long term partners with (the one kiss I can recall was Charlie with Gilda.) In fact the couples are only able to have a few moments of intimacy, and none of them give any indication that they’re married.

A majority of the queer characters have small parts and die. The first out character not to die in the episode they were introduced in was The Chief (a one off, unnamed joke where a man with the iconography of a Dominator. He also does not check for consent before attempting to have a scene but that’s getting off topic.)

We have other things like Donna’s cousin wearing a shirt that was never fully visible (which the actress had to later confirm actually) said a common lgbtq phase and had two interlocking Greek symbols for women. The one time (blink and you miss it) that a queer couple appears to be raising a child I believe neither mentions their partner and they are never in the same room at the same time. And a queer person being killed but their murderer was forgiven with no consequences or hesitation.

Sorry for going off on you but I am now realizing that we often focus on one off jokes or one particularly bad scene, etc rather than putting these examples all together.

No literally it’s like. There’s this phenomenon where lgbtq+ characters are either allowed to ACT queer, or they’re allowed to SAY they’re queer. With virtually no overlap. Which is how you get the Disney flavor of representation. Where some guy says “oh yeah my boyfriend died and it sucked :/“ in infinity war and THATS their gay representation. And it’s also how you get stuff like xena, which is so infamously homoerotic that it STILL has a cult following of lgbtq+ women, almost 20 years after it first aired. But like. In infinity war, we never see the boyfriend. We never see any behavior that is visibly queer. And in xena, we see the behavior. Gabrielle and xena LITERALLY kiss. But it never gets a name. And it never gets to fully escape the subtext.

So what’s weird abt spn is that most stories have one or the other. But spn has BOTH. we have Charlie, and the chief, and donnas shirt, and all those other small, meaningless parts where the characters get to SAY they’re queer, but they don’t necessarily get to BE queer. And then right alongside that you have dean and cas. Who are BEING queer. Actively. They’re given plots that most writers would reserve for heterosexual romances. They’re all up in each other’s business. They’re staring at each other from across an empty room they’re cupping each other’s faces when they hug they’re dying for each other and confessing on their deathbed. But they never get to say it. They never get to declare that relationship as queer. And it never leaves the subtext.

So it’s like. It’s very strange, because each renders the other absurd. If these side characters are able to say it, if Charlie can be a lesbian and Donna can wear a pride shirt, then why can’t dean say it? Why can’t cas? And conversely, if dean and cas can all but French each other on screen, why can’t Charlie do that with another woman? Why can’t any of the other gay couples touch each other on camera?

And like. We all know the answer. It’s because straight people have made all these leaps and bounds! They can stand to say the word gay, but only if they don’t have to see the full shape of our desire. They can see the outline of our desire, but only if it doesn’t have a name. So like. You get two options. You can be an out and proud gay person who is a desire void. Or you can be someone who has desires they aren’t allowed to name, desires that could be friendship if you interpret it the right way. So like. I kinda lied in that one post. Bc the truth is spn is weird about every single gay person on that show. They’re just weird about them in different ways.

And fundamentally, I think that’s why the confession means so much. Because it’s like. It allows cas to fully embody queer desire. It allows him to act in queer ways and articulate those acts as queer. He can be it AND he can say it. Finally, we are wholly, fully embodied, fully seen and fully depicted. And then he dies literally 2 minutes later. So.

[crybabykiko]

could you do the nsfw alphabet for atsumu please? thank you :)

Aw shit, here we go again...

NSFW Alphabet: Miya Atsumu

gn!reader focused

A/N: She hasn’t written in awhile but you know what I’m proud of it- lol be nice to me or I’ll leave forever jk I won’t but still be nice to me ily 💕 Atsumu is a menace I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Obviously nasty below the cut so if you’re a kid fuck off

𝕬 - 𝕬𝖋𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊

He’s not the best, but certainly not the worst. He will take care of you, but… only after he takes care of himself first. Usually that just means he needs to take a shower. Once he does, he’s free to supply cuddles until you both fall asleep.

𝕭 - 𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖙

He has abs so solid you could make a sharkcoochie board on them. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

𝕮 - 𝕮𝖚𝖒

When Atsumu cums… he cums hard. It’s like having an out of body experience- every nerve cell in his body is firing off as he tenses up, digging his nails into whatever flesh he can grab, and grinding his heels into the surface supporting him. He bites down so hard his teeth grind involuntarily as his face contorts in a strained statuesque vision. One low growl from deep in his chest comes out through gritted teeth as he sputters out mixtures of “that’s it,” and “don’t you dare fucking stop.”

The orgasm face of Atsumu Miya is one of the 7 wonders of the world.

𝕯 - 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕾𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙

It’s not a secret per se, but he’s been exposed and clowned for eating ass… so he doesn’t wanna talk about it.

𝕰 - 𝕰𝖝𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊

So contrary to popular belief, I don’t think he’s that experienced... he’s just lucky! (Lmaoooo all of his experience is based on like 2 actual people that he maybe got to second base with (he says third but come on we know he’s lying) and then a litany of porn. Poor thing just wants some coochie I AM HERE KING and he has no trouble finding it, he just never seals the deal. He’s someone who just kind of, knows what to do naturally. He’s able to read someone’s body by touch alone, and so he knows what you like right off the bat based on how you react. He might try a couple of things at the start to see what really makes you squirm, but once he’s got it... holy hell has he ever got it.

𝕱 - 𝕱𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

I hate to say how easy this was- but I KNOW Atsumu is a guy who prefers doggy. I see him as a hair puller, so this is perfect for him. I also could see him being into mirrors, and this is the perfect position to make you look at what he’s doing to you, especially while he’s pulling your head back by your hair. He especially likes gripping his thumbs into the smalls of your back (he crosses his arms bc saw it in a porn once and he thinks it makes him look cool), and when he’s INTO it, he likes to smack your ass to encourage you.

𝕲 - 𝕲𝖔𝖔𝖋𝖞

Is goofy by accident. Like will sometimes try throwing in something new with his normal dirty talk that completely throws you off. He hates when you laugh at him for it, but you find it endearing.

𝕳 - 𝕳𝖆𝖎𝖗

I’m gonna… say something so controversial yet so bold:

What hair?

And yes I mean that. Smooth. He waxes. Monthly. No hair. (Besides like… legs and armpits… yah he doesn’t touch those) Naked mole rat dick but fuck it he’s Atsumu motherfucking Miya he can do what he wants.

𝕴 - 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖆𝖈𝖞

While he’s not the most... romantic in general per se, he does want to make you feel appreciated. He’s very eager to get his, but he won’t allow himself to unless you have already. It takes restraint, but he cools himself down by having you get on top, or by leaving lingering kisses anywhere he can, saying you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

𝕵 - 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕺𝖋𝖋

When he’s away from you he loves to send you videos of himself or FaceTime you. He gets you worked up enough to join him no matter where you are. He just needs to see you, he needs you to see him stroking his cock to the thought of you- he can’t cum without you telling him to.

𝕶 - 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖐

I have to get this out but I KNOW he’s nasty. I imagine Atsumu as a huge dirty talker and also someone who’s into spitting. Both of those are just clear in my brain... like he would be pundinng you from behind, spit on your back, and then call you a slut all in 3 seconds flat but the way that you would cream? Ugh insanity he needs to be arrested he needs to be stopped

𝕷 - 𝕷𝖔𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Since he’s got money now- he’s a big fan of ordering Uber XLs or even just hiring a driver for a night on the town as a flex. But he especially loves telling his driver to put up the window partition while he annihilates you in the backseat. I just think he’s a fan of car sex in general- it just does it for him.

𝕸 - 𝕸𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Loves to hear his name. Whether you’re moaning it or screaming it like it’s the only word you know, he’s always going to ask you who you belong to, and the answer is always Atsumu.

𝕹 - 𝕹𝖔!

He totally eats ass. He’s just not gonna tell anyone bc he told Osamu ONCE and now his contact name is ASStumu and he lives in fear of that getting out.

𝕺 - 𝕺𝖗𝖆𝖑

Sloppppppyyyyyy. Loves giving ~slightly~ more than receiving, simply bc he loves the sight of seeing his spit dripping down your thighs while he goes down on you. Loves eye contact when you’re going down on him.

𝕻 - 𝕻𝖆𝖈𝖊

Though I wouldn’t say he’s super experienced, I know he’s relentless. He fucks. Literally just fucks. Not in the sense that he only treats you like a hole bc yikes, but in the sense that he just goes the speeds of fast or faster. There’s no slow with him.

𝕼 - 𝕼𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖊

Yeah. Lots of them. Anywhere, anytime. Particularly for him, a lot of them end up being in his car, simply because you’ll be out somewhere and the mood strikes. He’ll quickly take you out to the car for a few minutes, slut you out, and then return to the function like nothing happened. You’ve had many a quickie in a bathroom or closet in a party as well. When he wants you, he wants you, so he’s not afraid to take you.

𝕽 - 𝕽𝖎𝖘𝖐

Not as much of a risk-taker as people think. Mostly because he wants to protect you. He would hate for someone to see you in such a compromising position… but also, you’ve had your fair share of quickies in the bathrooms of various wedding receptions, so he’s lying.

𝕾 - 𝕾𝖙𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆

Can last a decent amount of time, if he spreads it out over multiple rounds. I’m general, he can probably go about 2 or 3 rounds without needing a break. More if you draw out foreplay with him. He’s a pleaser, so really how long he lasts is up to you. He’s got the power and control to hold off on is own release until he’s certain you absolutely can’t take anymore.

𝕿 - 𝕿𝖔𝖞

One of those mfs who gets you the mold of his dick as a toy for your birthday for when he’s away because according to him “you’ll be so needy while I’m gone”

I hate him so much but I would use that shit every day he knows what he’s doing I’m so upset

𝖀 - 𝖀𝖓𝖋𝖆𝖎𝖗

Speaking of being needy- he loves to egg you on when you are. He knows all the buttons to push, but he’ll never actually make the move until you’re begging. And of course he loves to turn that around in you, hitting you with that “god, ya just can’t get enough of me, can ya?”

𝖁 - 𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖚𝖒𝖊

He’s more of a talker than a moaner. Not necessarily loud in bed- but very, very vocal. Commanding of you in a good way, and will definitely show his appreciation through praise.

𝖂 - 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉

Actually has a Cosmo subscription bc he likes trying all the strange and obscure sex positions in the articles. Also likes taking the quizzes, and will casually have you do them with him at breakfast.

𝖃 - 𝖃-𝕽𝖆𝖞

he’s a little on the thicker side. Its probably a good 7 inches, so it’s enough to fill you, add in the stretch of his girth and it’s a good, mild burn when he first goes in, but he fills you just enough without it being way too much. He’s a shower, so he doesn’t get much longer, but you have a lot to work with. He also has a cute freckle on his left inner thigh.

𝖄 - 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

His sex drive is on the higher end, but really only when he’s in his off season. When he’s actively playing in games, he tries to curb his appetite a bit because he believes in the superstition that sex messes with players’ stamina on the court.

𝖅 - 𝖅𝖟𝖟

He’s gonna knock out, but not until he showers. He ALWAYS showers after. The water soothes his muscles and by the time he’s done it’s lights out.

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