#and b) the person who was upset with me was SUPPOSED TO TRAIN ME

[madaqueue]

i only cried once today after being yelled at/scolded for two hours straight!!!!! i would like my hug and pat on the head for being so good now please!!!!!!!

[thevoidstaredback]

Saturday's at Wayne Manor are family days. The whole weekend is reserved for the family to come and go as they please, but the biggest events are the Game Days on Saturday from 11:00 to 16:00 and Sunday Dinner at 18:00.

Every Saturday is a Game Day, but the third Saturday of each month is Competition Day. The kids all choose their favorite games, and everyone competes against each other. It's very rarely missed by anyone, but there have been times when someone has had to tap out for one reason or another. Alfred keeps track of who's missed how many days. Barbra keeps the tally of who's won what and how many times. At the end of the year, on December 31st, the scores are announced.

Sunday Dinners are sacred. No one ever misses a Sunday Dinner. The last person who did Jason is still getting subtle jabs and looks from everyone and that was a year ago and he had a very good reason, thank you very much! Everyone is always present for Sunday Dinner because everyone still has a room and the option to stay the night between the two days. Most usually take up the offer, but there have been extenuating circumstances that have pulled someone from the Manor.

No matter any of that because everyone is here and everyone is staying the night. That means everyone is patrolling Gotham tonight. Almost everyone. Batwoman has offered to take over Bludhaven for the night, so that's where she's gone.

Bruce plans to present his idea of messing with his coworkers when everyone gets back to the cave after patrol. All his kids know who they all are, having been trained by him, so there's no risk or accidental reveals on his part. In actuality, the kids thought of it like a game. They even had a folder for it on the Bat Computer and everything!

Yes, that night, after everyone returned to the Bat Cave, he would gather his Chaos Gremlins and invite them to mess with the Justice League with him. He'd also try and get Alfred in on it. Family bonding, and all that.

Though, making his kids sweat was its own form of amusement for him. It was 3:00 when everyone finally returned. They all ran their own routes, watched over by Oracle, and their own times, but everyone was always done no later than 3:00. It was a rule that the Gotham Rouges had yet to pick up on because Batman went back out until dawn more often than not.

Anyway, Bruce has been the first to get back and had put on an act of being upset. He usually kept his Batman persona with his suit, so he was rarely ever this stoic while he was Bruce Wayne. He hid his smirk as he sat at the head of the meeting table in the Cave, waiting for his children to change and sit with him. Duke normally was asleep by now, but he'd asked the boy to be there, letting him in on the harmless prank while they waited for his siblings and Stephanie to arrive.

Once everyone was seated, he waited a total of thirty seconds, meeting eyes with every one of his children, before he spoke. "I'm very disappointed."

Dick's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. He'd known Bruce the longest - aside from Alfred - and had likely picked up on something the second he saw Bruce and Duke at the table. "At who?"

"The Justice League," It was amusing to watch the tension melt off of all of them when he shook his head, "We all know who all of them are, as well as everyone who trained under them, but they don't know who we are."

"Except Wonder Woman," Jason pointed out, "She figured me out when I came back."

Fair, Bruce supposed. Jason was always Diana's favorite. "I think they need some help," he said, "A push in the right direction, so to speak."

Stephanie had a smile on her face that promised mischief. "We're not telling them, right? 'Cause that'd be no fun."

"Course not!" Duke yawned, "B said we'd give them a hint."

"What did you have in mind, father?" Damian asked, stoic as always, but matching the gleam in Cass's eyes.

"We invite them to the Bat Cave," he said, "Show them around a bit. The only exits we tell them about, though, should be the Lane," How the ground vehicles get in and out. "-the Zeta Tubes," Obviously. "-and the elevator. But, we don't tell them what's upstairs."

Alfred seemed very amused from where he had taken his seat at the other end of the table.

"From there," Bruce continued, "We invite their civilian identities to the next Gala. Meet them. Hint about the Cave without actually saying anything. If I know Clark as well as I know I do, then he'll, at the very least, piece together that the Bat Cave is under Wayne Manor."

"And if we play it right?" Dick's grin was manic, "They won't connect who we are."

"Won't that be suspicious, though?" Tim spoke up for the first time, "They may not have put things together yet, but they aren't stupid. They're heroes. If we give them the pieces, they're gonna piece them together."

Damian was the one to answer him. "Batman and Bruce Wayne hate one another, though there is a grudging acknowledgement and respect."

"Give them the right pieces, with a few from the wrong puzzle, in the wrong order, we could totally have them fooled!" Jason explained.

The group shared looks between each other. Nothing needed to be said because the looks and movements said everything.

Alfred smiled and shook his head fondly. "You may plan this in the morning. For now, go to bed and get some sleep."

Part 1 Part 3

[witheredoffherwitch]

Y'ALL CAN EXCUSE RACISM?

Let's get one thing straight: I have no part in this chaotic mess (infact, I have blocked all the accounts mentioned below), but it's grinding my gears how it's devolving into another petty fanfic drama: case 607. I know this drama is getting the attention for certain individuals who are demonstrating mean girl behaviour and gossiping about other writers behind their backs. However, I am solely focused on addressing the racist and discriminatory remarks made by these individuals in the leaked text messages.

For those not in the loop, there's been a huge drama in the fanfic community involving leaked text messages from a group chat of four prominent members. In these messages, two users - Fae and Bel - have admitted to sending hate anons and talking smack about other writers behind their backs. Two other members left the group after it was revealed that B tried to make amends with someone who these two, Em and Ange, don't particularly care for. As a move to clear their names, Em exposed all the texts, trying to prove that Fae and Bel are the real villains here.

But wait, there's more! In these same chats, Bel not only mocked fellow non-English speakers but also bragged about sending rat emojis to an 18-year-old Pakistani writer who was already receiving racist anons. While everyone is focused on getting back at these two women for being shady af, it's mind-boggling how Em and Ange are suddenly jumping on the anti-racism train.

These two ladies stayed in the same chat as a fellow Pakistani writer was driven away because of racism, knowing full well that one of their own was contributing to it, and said NOTHING! Zero discouragement, no condemnation - they only hopped off when things got personal.

So here it is… I've had it with all of you hypocrites. You praise and encourage these women at every turn, feeding their egos like they're the second coming of Beyonce. But let's not forget who's always stirring up drama in this fandom - hint: it's these same people with a sense of entitlement the size of a planet. The issue is groupthink and y'all have all jumped on the bandwagon. You're worse than HBO's marketing department because just like their shitty teams, everyone involved here SUCKS ASS. You don't have to pick a side because they are all petty, mean losers. Bel and Fae are facing the consequences of their actions, which they rightfully deserve.

However, Em's exposé on Bel's racism seems more like an opportunistic move and it's disappointing that so many of you are supporting it. It's a predictable cycle now; there will be a half-hearted apology, an announcement of a hiatus, and then tons of people will flock to their inboxes to shower them with praise and excuses. It's ridiculous! I know there are many who feel the same way as me but are afraid to speak up because they don't want to upset the "village elders" and risk losing their connections and engagements. It's a joke atp!

Instead of taking responsibility for their own wrongdoings, they will come up with a list of 10 different cyber crimes by others to divert attention from their own nonsense. These very same women have confessed to creating multiple fake accounts, secretly stalking servers without mods noticing, and constantly harassing individuals through anon messages.

Yet, we are supposed to consider them as examples of moral integrity and ethical behavior? 😒

[empressgeekt]

Trolls - Branch and Keith Brothers AU

HI!!! I'm back! With more Trolls plot bunnies. This one does not take place in the Prince Char Au, or the Veneer re-carnation one. It's completely separate and closer to canon.

Pre-movie.

Keith is the little trolling who likes to watch his parents sleep, and it's clear by the reactions from his classmates that he's not the most popular kid. A bit of a odd outsider, that finds happiness in things that others don't. There's another troll in Pop village who's a bit of an outsider, our favorite grump, Branch.

Branch would be in the village market one winter day, making some rare purchases rather then getting them from the wilds, when he first comes across Keith. The trolling would've been lost, left behind by his classmates. Branch would be a little confused by the kids blankness, but he isn't going to leave a kid lost in the snow, and helps Keith get back home to his dad. One the way he asks if this, keith getting left behind, happened often. Keith would blankly gripe about it, and how he thought his friends didn't actually like him, and he didn't think he liked them. Branch says that friends should like each other.

Couple of weeks later, Branch is working on gathering supplies, and Keith appears out of no where, then continues to follow the grey troll. When Branch asks what Keith is doing. Keith says, "You said befriend people I like." "Yeah so?" "I like you."

It throws Branch off, no one liked him.

Keith would continue to find and follow Branch for the next few days, it's only after a chance run in with a predator, that the grey troll realizes this kid isn't going away, and he starts training Keith in the ways of survival. Even more shockingly Keith listens to him when he's teaching. Everyone in the village always called Branch crazy with his survival bunker and apocalypse prep, but Keith listens intently. Even if it doesn't appear like it. Branch teaches Keith about, the forest, which fruits were safe to eat and where/when they grew. How to defend yourself from different type dangerous predators. And even about some of the extra traps and defenses Branch made for the village.

Branch gets used to his new little protégée, and honestly likes being able to pass on his knowledge to someone. He eventually learns to read the subtle differences in Keith's expressionless expressions to know how the kid's mood is, whether it's happy or upset. One day, Keith comes to visit Branch upset. Seeing the kid angry makes something in Branch's stomach turn, and he has this need to fix it. He doesn't know how, he hasn't comforted someone in years. So, pulling from vague memories of Floyd helping him when Branch was upset, he asks Keith what's wrong. Keith's upset about the other kids calling his school project weird. They were supposed to make a short presentation on people, they care about and Keith chose Branch. None of the kids would listen to him and said, that Branch was weirdo, and Keith was weirdo and they deserved each other. It made Keith Mad, because, he doesn't think Branch is weird, he thinks the Grey troll is cool and he doesn't want people to be mean to him. Branch does his best to console, Keith saying that sometimes people just don't agree with you no matter how hard you try to convince them, sometimes people just can't hear you.

K: Some times it feels like no one hears me

B: Yeah, I get that. it sucks, Makes you think their something wrong with you. But there isn't. Different doesn't mean bad, it just means you see things other don't.

Keith hugs Branch, and he can't turn the kid away. It's the first person the grey troll hugs in nearly twenty years.

K: Thank you, Branch

B: No problem kid, I'm always here.

K: I've always wanted a brother.

After this, Branch fully is attached. He goes all out for Keith any chance he gets. He's always there if Keith is upset, or to help with home work. Keith is one of the few people Branch allows in the Bunker. Branch makes sure, that he'd be the brother to Keith that his own were never to him. Always there.

Especially when Keith suddenly loses his dad. Branch fights and fights hard to keep Keith, knowing just how much the grief of losing a caretaker is crushing the kid. Unsurprisingly, the Pop trolls foster system fails Keith and eventually Branch gains his custody. "Let the outsider raise an outsider." Keith moves into the bunker, and Branch is with the trolling no matter what, making sure that this kid never goes Grey like he did. Though, waking up to Keith just staring at him is a little startling at first, but branch gets over it, anything to make the kid more comfortable.

By the events of the first movie, Keith has fully moved in with Branch and stays with him during the Chef's attack. And after the whole village is hidden in the bunker by Poppy, Keith pushes Branch to go after her. Peppy stepping up to watch over Keith while Branch is gone. All through out the mission Branch is thinking about Keith, worried how he's fair one his own, because while he can trust Peppy to make sure Keith doesn't die, he doesn't' trust the king to take care of Keith's mental health. They're reunion in the bergan pot is a hard one. On one hand, Branch is happy to have Keith back in sight, but on the other he feels like a failure for not being able to protect Keith from getting eaten. And When Keith goes grey in his arms...let's just say Branch isn't going down with out a fight.

I have no plans for World Tour, other then the possibility of Keith ending up captured with Poppy, and Barb mistaking Keith as her and Branch's son.

Its in Band together that things get a little more interesting...

Keith is Gristle and Bridget's ring bearer, though the rings are to big for him to hold, so he just stands inside of them to keep them from rolling away, with a very flat smile. Poppy and Branch end up dating in this two, and she does put in effort to get to know Keith, understanding that the trolling would be in branch's care for years to come. She's not as good at reading him, but she's getting better at it. And she finds Branch's caregiver side, adorable.

"Stop the Wedding!"

When John Dory shows up, Keith leaves his post, and runs to Branch after the elder troll was finished being man handled, bY JD. John is thrown off by the sight of a tiny Trolling in Branch's Arms. Seriously, when did his baby brother get a baby? Or a girlfriend? Was the kid theirs? Oh crap he missed a lot....

Keith is angry, through out the course of the third movie. Branch had already told him about their (yes, their, Keith is branch's brother now, which sadly makes him also related to these idiots) brothers, and how they all walked out on him. Keith has seen how much this hurt Branch, and how much they are hurting Branch now, he's clinging to his older brother all through out the mission.

Bruce is also shocked, and kind of feels bad, because Keith would be in Branch's hair when Bruce tossed him jostling the trolling. But he likes kids, so quickly warms up to the idea of Keith being a new baby brother. Even if he creeps Bruce out. And Keith is constantly creeping him out on purpose...thought Bruce doesn't realize it.

Keith doesn't like the hustle button.

Clay is scared of Keith. Because thanks to living with Branch the trolling can point out all of his safety measures and traps, understand how the work, and how to out smart them.

While practicing, John tries to get Keith toe join in but the trolling will only sing the words in the same flat stale note. Branch knows he's messing with john (Keith naturally sings flat but he's not that tone deaf) but doesn't say anything. Keith is hugging Branch all through out the fight, and along with poppy promises to not leave.

Floyd's too tired to really notice Keith until after he's rescued, however he's curious about the trolling. He feels proud watching Branch take care of trolling, but it also makes his stomach churn. Watching Branch with Poppy and Keith it feels like he's looking in on a family that Branch built and he missed it. Floyd would move into the bunker continuing his recovery, and during that is where he really interacting with Keith. He finds the kid adorable, not in the sparkly eyes way that Branch was but utterly adorable none the less. Keith becomes family to him too.

The fic would conclude with All the brother's accepting the fact that Branch and Keith are a package deal, and apologizing to branch for abandoning him (Keith and Poppy don't let them get away with shit). There's no long five brothers in Brozone, but six....and at least three sister-in-law...

-----

This now has a fic of the beginning

link - https://archiveofourown.org/works/55380961/chapters/140510860

[muzzlemouths]

I JSUT SAW THE DIR CUT THING EXPLODES okay okay i have so much i wanna ask(mostly related to the polls im sorry its so interesting of a mechanic) . ! - FIRST did you originally plan on the fic to be poll based or was it a later decision? - did we as a collective ever make any/a ddecision you were genuinely surprised about? any big things you had/(have? 👀) in mind only for us to totally dash your hopes and dreams? - are any of the counselors ones you're sad died? who has been the most disappointing for you so far? (who were you hoping would survive?) - if you could give us a rating 1-10 or so, how well would you say we've done so far? (personally id give it a B ish..) - Aside from Chet, could we have saved everyone? (also because im a sucker for feels, were any of the kids who died personal hits for sun/moon? any close bonds that were cut?)

⭐️ Director's Cut ask game

Did you originally plan on the fic to be poll based or was it a later decision?

I wanted it to be poll based from the start! I first came up with the idea last October, but I was originally going to do it similar to OWRF. Within that year, however, I realized that using polls would streamline the process and make it much easier on me, which is fantastic, because writing OWRF with the initial Choose Your Own Story mechanic I'd been using felt like trying to control a derailing train at all times.

Did we as a collective ever make any/a ddecision you were genuinely surprised about? any big things you had/(have? 👀) in mind only for us to totally dash your hopes and dreams?

All of them. I need y'all to understand I had to sit down and rewrite a solid chunk of my outline because I had set it up/started writing certain scenes under the assumption that that's the route/decision we'd be pursuing, but time and time again, everyone surprised me.

I wasn't expecting y'all to save Dolly (much less be so passionate about turning this into an Everyone Lives run), I wasn't expecting you to trust Moon (though in hindsight, I should have known. This is their fandom we're in after all), and I definitely wasn't expecting this last decision to be such a tight race.

Complete transparency here, I had fully anticipated that the majority vote would be to Agree(lie), and I had to scramble to rearrange some pieces of the outline when it became glaringly obvious that lying was the last thing any of you wanted to do. I'm grateful for it, though.

I said it before and I'll say it again: the y/n of this story changes with each decision made. They have some set personality traits, sure, but most of it is entirely determined by you, the readers. Seeing the votes flood in — with lying as the least popular opinion — not only surprised me but gave me a much needed reality check on where our y/n stands, which in turn allowed me to scrap the original first page of what happened next in favor of writing something that is reflective of the decision, and I am much happier with it now. Proud of you guys.

Are any of the counselors ones you're sad died? who has been the most disappointing for you so far? (who were you hoping would survive?)

Man. Man. Had you asked me my opinion on Chet at the beginning of writing this fic I'd have read the guy to filth. But now? Regretfully I am beginning to like him. I'm almost upset that I'd made the decision to make his death inevitable, but so much hinges on it, so it was a necessary sacrifice. (Also, I'm supposed to remain unbiased about these things, but if you guys get Oscar killed I will cry and cry)

If you could give us a rating 1-10 or so, how well would you say we've done so far? (personally id give it a B ish..)

Considering we're currently on what I consider the best route? I'd say you're doing pretty damn well! There hasn't been a single vote thus far that leads to the bad route, and the results of the most recent poll have officially locked us out of the bad route entirely. I am clapping and cheering for you!!!! congrats!!! 🎉

Aside from Chet, could we have saved everyone?

You could, and you still can! But Oscar isn't the only life you will need to save.

[mod2amaryllis]

just gonna sliiide into your inbox to be like. got any complicated relationship with motherhood recs?? cause I'm👀

👁️👁️ b i s c i a.

the first rec is always for all time The Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemisin

talk about books that changed my brain chemistry and boosted my writing, especially the fifth season, which pulls a narrative trick with its 3 main character perspectives that still has me reeling and makes me resent the fact that not every protagonist is an exhausted middle aged mother who's haunted by choices and horrors of her own making!!

The Devourers by Indra Das

a take on werewolves that's at times genuinely sickening to read, esp for my body-horror-scawy ass. lot of upsetting themes fyi, like. all the themes. are upsetting. but i was left feeling like I'd just gotten the world's most dire hug. also trans allegory out the wazoo.

i feel like this one is really obligatory like yeah no shit Beloved by Toni Morrison but still: Beloved by Toni Morrison

I've never felt smart enough for this book but i think about it constantly, not just because the contents are so traumatic but the way it's written..... even now i feel like such a dunce trying to say anything about it but it's like. it broke rules in my brain about how books are supposed to be structured and understood. there's a chapter that ends in a stream of thought that's borderline incomprehensible and it's in my head forever.

ok little different now and largely positive mushy gushy mom stuff, but a lot of Brandi Carlile's songs, especially The Mother:

and her whole In These Silent Days album. particularly it's celebrating lesbian motherhood. Mama Werewolf is awesome and introduces that complication that makes me ravenous, but my favorite is her love song to her wife, You And Me On The Rock

there's a song exploder podcast episode about it. she talks about how it's an homage to her good friend Joni Mitchell, how it's about this very feminine love she shares with her wife and daughter (and now also her son) and how she spent some of her youth grappling with that femininity.

speaking of song exploder!!!!!! the episode for Song For Our Daughter by Laura Marling

Laura Marling and her partner don't have children. this song is a hypothetical about the trauma of being a girl and having your boundaries crossed when you're young. but what absolutely destroys me is that there's a string section, which was written by a violinist to whom she gave creative liberty, and in his strings he says, "i wrote this to be the character of The Daughter, so she's here in the song soaring over everything" and it just. hearing the context and then listening to the song........i show this episode to anyone who's stuck in a car with me 25 minutes.

on the subject of music, of course there's Florence + The Machine's 2022 album Dance Fever, particularly King

like hell yeah let's get primal with it

and ok this is gonna clock my grew up as a theatre kid ass but still, to this day, Next To Normal.

listening to this show as a teenager who was just starting to hate my (wonderful awesome love her) mom was like......hoooooo. it blew open the my-parents-are-human empathy. idc about like whether or not this musical lives up to the insane hype it got in the late 2000s it just meant a lot to me personally.

also there's movies i guess! but if you're not already on the Everything Everywhere All At Once train idk what we're doing

then my oldest mom-centric media of all, so old that I'm not even sure how well it holds up to my current person sensibilities, Fruits Basket

the way her death is the inciting incident for everything that happens after, and how she's a ghost that haunts the rest of the story, at times a protective spirit and at other times a traumatic poltergeist, is like. i thought i was a 13yo reading a magical high school romance what's happening to me.

then of course the current rec, Priestdaddy by Patricia Lockwood

Lockwood is a poet and this is her memoir about growing up with a Catholic priest for a dad, something that in itself seems contradictory. it's phenomenal. i can't believe someone exists who's this good at writing. her relationship with her mother is hilariously, tenderly depicted and it's questioning and resentful and loving and there's a chapter about them called the cum queens of the hyatt palace and it's the funniest thing I've ever read

oops too many words

motherhood in media borders on fixation for me lol i don't always seek it out but when it's there I'm like AAAAAAAAH, AAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAH IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS GRAAAAAHHHH!!!!

........oh and undertale. how could i forget Undertale.

[johanna-swann]

White Collar is really one of those shows I love to hate/hate to love (settle in for a rant). Everytime someone breaks a law they're immediately painted as unethical and morally wrong. Even if they had a good reason to commit the crime. Even if they had no choice. Even if nobody was harmed. Even if the only person who suffered financial loss is an asshole millionaire. There's sympathy for the perpetrator's situation, but they're still always painted as being in the wrong. It's all black and white.

I'm rewatching season 4 right now and Neal's mother figure who he has lived with all of his childhood, who raised him and who was a better mom to him than his biological mother just got murdered. The only way to get any leads is to gain access to the US Marshals' files on the case, but they won't co-operate with Neal's FBI friends. So Neal considers to obtain the information he needs - to solve his (kinda) mom's murder - by stealing it. Which I wouldn't judge him for in the first place because his mother got fucking murdered.

But Neal shows incredible restraint and strength of character: He decides against the B&E and even when another thief offers him a deal à la Patricia Highsmith (Strangers on a Train) he refuses. He wants to "stay clean" and knows any mistake he makes would also reflect badly on his FBI colleagues. He would not be the only one to suffer the consequences if things go south.

The other thief is resourceful though, she steals the files anyway and plants fake evidence to frame Neal. Which forces Neal to play along since she has the power to send him to prison now. There's damning evidence against Neal, nobody would believe he didn't do it. But even while he plays along he still finds a way to get the other thief arrested, the stolen items seized by the FBI and confesses the entire story to his handler Peter immediately.

Peter is upset about this. He thinks Neal should've trusted him from the start instead of waiting so long and I kind of get this part. They're best friends in a way and Neal didn't trust Peter. Reminder though: Neal was blackmailed, his mother just got murdered and nothing he did inflicted lasting damage on anything or anyone.

And here comes the real kicker: By having the other thief arrested by the FBI while in possession of the files, the files became evidence in an FBI case - meaning Neal and Peter (who wants to help Neal with finding the murderer) now legally have access to them. And Peter is somehow angry about this???

Again: Neal's mother figure was just violently murdered. Neal only stole anything in the first place because he was blackmailed with the threat of prison. Peter has arrested Neal and put him in prison twice before btw. Neal found a way to legally search previously inaccessible files for leads in an open murder investigation which Peter wants to work with Neal. And Peter is upset. Because? Is he seriously angry that Neal is trying to solve his not-bio mother's murder?

And I'm supposed to sit here, do what the show wants me to do and relate to both of them equally? Bc that's not what's happening here.

The longer the show goes on the less I even like Peter, much less relate to him. If the show was any good, yes, they'd have Neal learn that actions have consequences, but at the same time have Peter learn that the system he is a part of is far from perfect. But no. Peter learns nothing and Neal never catches a break. Fucking copaganda.

[ominoose]

Your Blue discourse is excellent! Ngl, I took that one line so differently when I saw the movie first time around.

Here's my thoughts: I had a headcanon/theory that orderly Blue was originally a patient, one that either a) got released wayyyyy before he was ready, b) somehow took over the place from the original head orderly and just made everybody think he was supposed to be in charge, or c) it was originally for men until one of them (Blue) got out, disposed of everyone else, and freed the rest of the patients to be his minions essentially. Overall... I've put way too much thought into this.

Another thought/hc i have, especially for that scene when he's upset over everyone else "playing with his toys" but him, he a) calls everyone 'toys' because he's been treated like one as a child or possibly because if he starts viewing them as human beings, he'll lose control over his own emotions even more, b) he actually craves something more than what he's got (maybe a fucked up version of a romantic relationship with one of his patients) because I see him as someone who if he caught feelings, he'd become the most possessive fucker there is, or c) back the the childhood trauma theory, and now it's his personal mission to never lose control over anything ever again, because he can't even get control over his own self, so he gets it over everyone else.

One more thought/hc for now for Blue's childhood, he was never loved the way he should have been, and that was out of his control. Maybe one parent was abusive to the other while the other was too distant to be there for him (why he freaks out when Babydoll goes into her mind) and now, subconsciously he craves that feeling of love that he's convinced himself he'll never get so he gets power and control over anything/everyone he can because that's what he can control. If someone did show him any willing submission I honestly think it'd probably ruin him.

I cannot describe how happy this ask makes me, I cannot explain how giddy I am getting into and dissecting this horrid mans life.

My personal little hc for his childhood is that his mother worked at the hospital and slept around a lot, he never had a real father figure. She spent most of her time at the hospital, which we know is out the way and in some woods, so with no one else to watch him he was stuck hanging around there too and seeing his mum not so subtly be passed around the men working.

He was neglected, his only example of relationships were sexual, transactional, a power play. Its likely he saw the old head orderly there, someone his mum had to suck off up to for more shifts. Somewhere along the line, when he's old enough, he just ends up working there. It's mostly cleaning or running small errands, but as he gets older the head orderly takes him under his wing a little, showing him the ropes, letting him have a proper job.

At some point his mother would die of an overdose or something, the head orderly dies or retires and Blue is left in charge. Remember at the end when he says "You're stuck here with me, in all this shit", he says it with such venom. Stuck here is such a particular phrase, like he's just as trapped as the girls staying there. I think he is, at least mentally. It's all he's ever known, he has no power outside of Lennox House, he probably lives there too, meaning any power he has is central to there. It's his to own, play with, make it how he wants. It's his prison as much as his home.

Thats also likely reflected in how he treats the girls. Jointly stemming from resentment towards his neglectful mother and from the only way he's seen women treated, his relationship with the girls is one where he feels powerful and treats them as objects. To him, they aren't anything more than an object to make money off of, sheep to be herded and trained.

Switch to the Club version of Blue, and again Oscar himself says this version of Blue is as much of how Blue see's himself, not just how Babydoll see's him. We can apply the hc backstory here too. His mother was a dancer, he spent his childhood here, he saw the women being used. The brothel owner takes him in and then Blue ends up with the business, etc, etc.

Why would Blue see himself, picture an idolized version of himself as some glamorous brothel owner? Likely because it's a world where the few skills and assets he have are more than a depressing, run down mental hospital full of depravity and hopelessness. Here, it's more than selling mentally ill girls to his fellow slimy workers, now it's having pretty girls do elaborate dances to high class clientele.

All that aside, I really love the idea that he used to be a patient that was let out early. What would he be in for? It works because he'd known the ins and outs, he'd know how shit the staff is, he'd be in with some of the worst of them. Him taking over from the head orderly is the most likely though. We know he can forge signatures and documents, would've been not too hard for him to pull the credentials needed for the job outta thin air and make up some story to sack the former head orderly.

I genuinely do think he craves a person to love him unconditionally, in his own twisted way. Someone that see's and acknowledges how deprived he is and is happily willing to put up with his abuse. He's possessive, and Club Blue likes to look his best, so why wouldn't he want someone obsessed over him?

Would he love them back? I'm not sure. I don't think he has enough control or attention to direct to a single person, but he might have favourites. Overall he would just love the feeling of someone worshiping him.

Also how did you take the line first time around?

[makesitprecious]

@the-overanalyst ah, theatre! you're thinking of the four kinds of tragedy 1) complex tragedy, made up of peripeteia and anagnorisis 2) the tragedy of suffering 😢 3) the tragedy of character 4) the tragedy of spectacle 😱. These go hand in hand with the four types of conflict: man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. self, and man vs. wild.

!! sorry to be that nerd who adjusts their glasses and says "umm, when you say literally you mean actually" but I have to point out people who are reblogging the above thinking that ideology is the same as the definition of the adjective "tragedy" and the noun "tragedy" applying to real world events are the example of how the word "tragedy" is misused. In reality and in the times when tragedy had one definition, there was: tragedy (preventable) and travesty (unpreventable). This changed with the mandala effect (a phenomenon in which a large number of people share a particular false memory) ex: thinking it's just "blood is thicker than water" when it's fully: "blood is thicker than water, but chosen relationships can be stronger than blood ties". After the ME set in, "Tragedy" took on multiple and conflicting definitions. Let's go back to the basics.

**Some travesties can be tragedies, but not all. And not all tragedies are travesties.

tragedy: (the og) a catastrophic event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress that could not have been prevented

ex: natural disasters like hurricanes and volcano eruptions (not caused by global warming), death due to old age, having/dying from an incurable yet unsolved disease like multiple sclerosis, drowning when your lungs are full of water - it's JUST going to happen, smaller animals statistically prey to larger animals -- *I'll put God/religion as a side note here (I'm not personally saying it's fact, but others believe it as such and it would be included in their full definition of tragedy) along with fate/deities/powers-that-be = out of a being's (human or otherwise) control derived from: tragic - great sadness due to death or suffering

travesty: an event causing suffering, distress, shock and upset that could have been avoided.

ex: shootings at schools, a lot less people dying on the Titanic, romeo not dying by drinking poison when he visited juliet because he saw her wake up, cancer because someone smoked for 30 years, people causing global dimming, oil spills, "b*mb" trains, people who actively choose not to evacuate dangerous zones when warned to and then dying, sunburn when you were carrying sunscreen typical definition: (n) sham, mockery, parody - YA GET IT? MAN MADE, CREATED!! A V O I D A B L E ! ! !

Brittanica almost did right by me by saying: something that is shocking, upsetting, or ridiculous because it is not what it is supposed to be,

but then the example said travesty and tragedy were the same 😑 (curse you, mandala effect)

"This shooting is a tragedy," says spokesperson, p0lice chief, news anchor ALL THE TIME. Um, no - no it was literally AND actually avoidable. Their finger was not strapped down to the trigger by an irreversible disease or hand of God that they physically could not fight at any form in any state. IT 👏 IS👏 A 👏 TRAVESTY👏 IT IS AVOIDABLE.

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it. - Paulo Coelho

sorry to get on an English major's soapbox on what is an eloquent post, but writers from books, shows, movies, fanfics, quotes, ads, and speeches get his wrong EVERY DANG DAY.

Jealousy/envy and tragedy/travesty and yeah I WILL throw in literally/actually have become victims of the mandala effect or meaning the exact opposite of their original definition.

Thank you for your time.

i've come to realize there are only two kinds of tragedies: preventable and inevitable. preventable tragedies are the kind where everything could have maybe worked out if only. if only romeo had gotten the second letter. if only juliet had woken up earlier. if only creon had changed his mind about antigone sooner. if only orpheus hadn't turned around.

inevitable tragedies are the kind where everything was always going to end terribly. of course macbeth gets deposed, he murdered his way to the throne. of course oedipus goes mad, he married his own mother. of course achilles dies in the war, he had to fulfill the prophecy in order to avenge his lover.

both kinds have their merits. the first is more emotionally impactful, letting the audience cling to hope until the very end, when it's snatched away all at once leaving nothing but a void. the second is more thematically resonant, tracking an inherent fatal flaw in its hero to a natural and understandable conclusion, making it abundantly clear why everything has to happen the way it does.

[ltsaradharkness]

All right so rambly talk to text rant. So this morning I asked my nana if she wants me to drive her to Walmart because we have to go won't go to Walmart up the road right now because the road closures and everything so that's what we're doing well she's like no I can drive or if Papa can drive it's fine blah blah so while they're doing their morning stuff and getting ready and everything Darlene hands mom her phone and it's like read this well apparently it's a whole series of text messages about how to get all this money and blah blah blah it's a scam it's a scam it's a common scam where people like contact you and they're like I got millions of dollars for you blah blah blah just send me this that and the other thing and I'm like okay I didn't know what the text messages said until Papa she had Papa read it and Papa was talking about it and then I was like oh okay so she's trying to lose the rest of the money she doesn't have only for her to be like but look at these videos blah blah I'm like it's some Foreigner who is just talking into a camera you can say whatever you want into a camera literally that doesn't mean that somebody sent him 1.2 million dollars like literally that is not how it works but apparently she can't be told anything because literally she has in the past lost money to scams because she thought they were going to give her a vehicle or send her lots of money and stuff she like lost all of the money in her account which is part of the reason she doesn't have any money because she thought people were going to send her free stuff like oh my God have y'all not done like have y'all tried not tried showing her like training videos and stuff and she's like no you can't tell her anything I'm not I'm not saying tell her I'm saying have her why don't y'all watch things on how not to get scammed like instead of just watching the news and some b******* program why don't y'all just casually watch shows on what it looks like when old people get scammed in this that and the other thing she's not paying attention to the TV but sometimes she is so and then well Nana goes yeah but whatever you can't ever say anything to her and everything she gets all upset at us about it and then if you said anything about it she would be even more upset and I'm like why because I have a brain in my head to know she's stupid she's dumb ass rocks and I'm like to find out that she's even dumber than I thought that she's even more ridiculous it's like oh my God so the the weird stories and lies that she tells is probably something she actually believes someone did for her I'm like I cannot I can't I can't with this I cannot believe she is really this stupid I'm just oh my God

I'd love to know how you're supposed to respect somebody who's literally acts like a 6-year-old throws a 10 for tantrum and literally cries anytime she's told she's wrong or proven she's wrong or not gets her exactly her way nana and papa just let her act like she's the boss because otherwise he f****** upsets her it upsets me the way she treats y'all and the way y'all just let her get away with it like I can't believe that y'all don't see it and then y'all let her treat y'all like that and then expect me to let her treat me like that b**** nah that ain't even going to happen I am a grown ass woman I know what I'm doing I know how not to get scammed most of the time and literally I would never be in a situation as she claims to be drugged and poisoned by someone else to the point that I have a criminal record for drugs in my system for drugs on my person for drugs in my vehicle that I am driving that is in my name and not leave the first time anything of that nature happened to me I would be gone if I got a vehicle s*** would be cleaned out stuff would be turned into the cops and I would be dust I would be three states away I'd be f****** gone none of these people that supposedly were my friends were you know my lovers or what not nah I would be gone there would not be a situation where I am f****** just dealing with this s*** for 10 years or 8 years or whatever like no amount of whatever I think I am entitled to after a relationship like that you drug me you poison me nah you are not my friend anymore if I suspected somebody of doing something like that there would not be a oh but well no it f****** done I would be done.

So literally for her to tell me that she is owns and it is tight entitled to like 80% of this home and this that and the other thing like I don't believe you because this is some fantasy that you have made up just like everything else and if it is true good for you but I entirely doubt it.

I also will never believe that she wasn't the one actively taking drugs and part of that is because I've seen her smoke pot I've seen her drink two excess and drive I was in the car more than once when I was 19 she almost killed us drinking and driving and deciding to get into the back seat while on a mountain road that was the last time I ever hung out with her ever and that was 10 or 12 years before she had a f****** stroke and destroyed her brain she had cocaine alcohol and other drugs in her system when she had the stroke and ended up in the coma I was there I heard what they said I was living with it on Papa at the time I know what they said and as much as I hate my mother as much as I don't trust 90% of what comes out of her mouth as much as I think she's probably making s*** up about Darlene and exaggerating and I know for a fact Eddie's making s*** up and exaggerating there are situations where I have been living with her for a year I know this s*** probably happened to some extent the f****** s*** I've seen in the last year.

The fact that she thinks she's entitled to anything ever that she's entitled to be tired of doing something that is a task she ultimately gave herself and then decided that she was the only one doing it right well b**** if you're the only one doing it right you're the only one doing it because I'm not going to do it wrong and then get fussed at I'm not going to do it wrong and then have you bitching about it you either do it or you don't do it but I'm not doing it and getting fussed at you're not my mother f*** I don't even talk to my mother so don't even at me you are not in charge of me you are not my boss you do not pay me I do not have to do anything you say ever I literally have not punched her in the face or b**** slapped her or snatched her up by her hair will burn her with her cigarette after she burned me with it only out of respect for my grandparents that is the literal respect I have that is it because otherwise I don't wear by at least a hundred pounds and I would snap her like a twig.

It's funny when my brother was here with us for four days not only did like it was he having other problems at the time but Darlene was absolutely driving him crazy every minute he was here every minute he was here and he's like I don't know how you put up with this everyday and I'm like I don't either because I think if I didn't work as much as I do and I didn't have supportive people both in my regular life and at work I would not be putting up with it but with the way the world is right now with the way my situation is right now both financially and you know with everything else now going on we'll see how things go after New Year's but with the way everything is going right now I literally don't think I even will be able to get a place of my own anytime soon and unfortunately that's just kind of the reality of the situation because like I owe people money people owe me money and like the rent I pay right now isn't half of what it would cost me in rent and utilities to live somewhere else trying to get other assistance for things is like so difficult the fact that people think that people are just out here living on welfare and s*** like b**** living on welfare is a f****** job. So like yeah I cannot fathom the depths of stupidity that mean that your health choices about like weight and stuff like that or literally stuck in the 90s that you're literal you think people are just literally giving away millions of dollars to individuals and that somebody's just going to give you a car over the Internet some random number contacted you like if I were in on mobile I would have her phone on like restriction this is some s*** man. And what's even funnier is Darlene is a classic case of youngest child like and blonde cheerleader who thinks she's not the bully but is actually not a good person and is also not as smart as she thinks she is here's the thing too if in 2018 the first time she moved in with us or in 2019 the second time she moved in with us if she had actually stayed with us gotten help gotten therapy and not just like she wouldn't not just like psychological therapy but like actual you know physical therapy of the mind sort of thing where like they help you get back to being closer to who you used to be as far as your intellect is concerned I don't remember what it's called besides therapy but if she had stayed she would probably be on her own right now she would be somewhere else instead she's been living with us for a year she doesn't have a job she doesn't have money which I just found out she scammed it all away she doesn't have any jobs prospects because she doesn't have any ability to use computers and if she can't recognize a scam off the bat she sure as hell can't work at Dollar general because have the phone calls and Dollar general are a scam. And if she can't even operate her phone and she can't even operate her TV or the TV at the house or the DVR box how does she actually expect to work in a world where everything is computerized everything even doing like inventory in most places is a hand device that's basically a phone.

[onmymasa22]

So this is the time in this apartment. Its been a ride. Year one of waking up to go to sculture class in my pajamas, changing to go to work, then 1am car rides with people till like 4am all to wake up at 8am the next day. Breaking my face on the door in apartment 3. Hanging out in the "lobby", doing schoolwork there. Moving to apartment 5 and spending most of my time on that balcony. apartment 4 which i wasnt supposed to be but we all became a family. Then back to apartment 5, most of us stayed together. Sleeping in the lobby, sleeping everywhere, dealing with crazy ppl, enjoying the year, food runs, shared dinners, coffee dates, going to restaurants. We were really a family at this apartment. Helping eachother through dates, lying on the carpet. Watching tv, ice cream in our coffee. When theres no light or hotwatwr in the bathroom so u put spamusic on ur phone and pretend ur in a cold water spa bath. This building, although it sucks and the people who run it suck, it made the last three years of college entertaining, and it brought me to live with people i really love.

Last night in the building I've lived in for the past three years... started here not knowing if I was meant to be in art school.

This is it. My last noght in the building ive lived in for the past three years of college life/art school. It's been a ride. From apartment 3 where i was working 6 shifts a week and going to school,

So i think i had a magical date with zev.

We took the train and had dinner and wine, then went out fir drinks, then watched a movie ahd cuddled. So jm thinking a out him alot lately. And hes texting me so its not just me. So i love everything abd my feet r pretty

So i went to yaakovs to see him before i leave. But i fekt weird. Chz im w him but fir some reason im thinking aboht zev. How i dont wanna kiss anyone else since we kissed. Like im interested in him, so i dont want to do the sane things with anyone else.

Im ok. All this stuff is replacable. I can 100% buy stuff before i need to be back

Someone asked me what i feel about finding someone. So i said my grandmother has told me since i was five ur pretty, ull never have to worry about boys liking u, u just work on ur insides. And so thats what ive been doing. Ill find the right person when im supposed to. Until then, im just trying to b a goood person, a decent human.

Is it weird that im not upset that druze kids were killed. Like let their nation mourn for them. I have too many jews in hospitals and dying to care about that. Anyone who isnt a jew, i just dont care if they die in this war.

I want a home where everything in the fridge belongs to everyone. If something runs out, let them just make more. I might tell my kids who want something to leave some for me, or that its their responsibility to make more that night. Which is fine. But they should live in a house where its not my food versus not my food. Its everyones food, everyone can take anything. If im home, whatever is in the kitchen i can use. Im supposed to clean it and im supposed to make it, but im not gonna get yelled at for taking something. Its all everyones.

[tennesseewalkinghorse]

posting about getting hurt by a friend on sideblog because i am like deeply wounded and don't feel like i have a right to be and don't want to hurt her so i can't talk to her lol

i feel really awful because one of my best friends really hurt me without really directly meaning to and i feel like i don't have a right to be upset but i'm like. really wounded and heartbroken. like in a way that makes it worse? short version is friend and i have been planning to watch glee together for like. literal years. like i'm a media sociologist who does a lot of research on that time period of tv and part of that is my attachment to blaine specifically. and for years i've said if you watch season one i will jump in at never been kissed because that's where i start so you should start and stop there. and she's always been like yes i will do this.

so this friend started watching season one with me and i was like you can keep going with your other friend (staying with her rn) until you get to [episodes in late season one]. she watches the first episode and i go ok well she'll probably stop before the second one. i go away on a trip. i come back and say lets pick the show up again. turns out she's gotten halfway into season 2 without me and WITH THE OTHER FRIEND. WHO HASN'T SEEN THE SHOW AND HAS NO ATTACHMENT TO IT.

and so i feel like essentially what's happened is one of my best friends has taken this experience that is not only like, intimately personal to me because of how that season affected me personally, but something we have talked about doing together for ages, and gave it to someone else who it literally doesn't matter to out of ?? convenience?? callousness?

like a friend who i've always trusted to be there for me for the first time actively chose someone else in something that is supposed to be about me sharing a part of myself i can't often articulate without like, blaine anderson doing it for me, with this friend. and that's not something you can really get on a rewatch because by then you've already had your first impressions, and further when you've watched it with someone else you've had THEIR first impressions. and so this friend is like we can rewatch it and you can tell me all the lore but i feel like. physically ill when i think about that and also just very upset at how she's misunderstood why it's so important to me. it's not about the lore it's about me.

i'm never really the kind of person who likes to ruffle feathers, and i'm more often than not the kind of person who will say something isn't a big deal and take it in stride (this is horse training in action lol). but i'm honestly so brokenhearted about this, like i've been crying on and off since this happened yesterday and i can't think about this friend or that show without feeling like crushingly depressed. but i know this friend is having a hard time right now and i don't want to pile on to that, because if someone did that to me i'd never get out of that headspace. there's also the fact that even if i did explain to her why i'm feeling so awful like, it might feel better to be understood, but the damage is done she can't unwatch it with the other friend. so all i'd be doing is making her feel worse. and then there's a part of me that goes well good! she should feel as bad as you do! but like, that's not a part of me i want to drive the bus.

then of course there's the way in which i'm disenfranchising the whole thing because like it SHOULDN'T be a big deal. it's a fucking b rated tv show. but it is. like it feels so so awful. i don't know what to do except give it time, but i don't want to give it so much time my friend thinks i hate her.

[poorsapadvocate]

Look obviously I'm upset about now it due to stuff going on in my own life but companies are going to need to start reevaluating their hiring policies real quick because this shit aint sustainable. I can't count how many jobs I've applied to without even a stock rejection letter. I've made it to a few interviews where they told me they'll make a decision next week and then just. never heard from them again. If I do get rejection letters, they're 4 months after I applied and got my hopes up on it. I've even gotten one rejection letter that was 2 sentences long and had a typo in it. And that was a state job paid for with my tax dollars!! I'm at least worth a callback for all of these jobs. Not even getting around to rejecting me properly is just such a sign of distespect.

I was told I wasn't hired for this job despite a) being recommended by the person leaving, b) already being trained for it, and c) absolutely crushing it in the interview because I "didn't have enough experience." But if nobody's willing to give experience, then what the hell am I supposed to do? What's going to happen in 10-20 years when the people who already had experience get to retire and the only people left are the ones who weren't given a chance to gain experience?

[dzpenumbra]

4/21/23

I'm upset and in a bad place, so I'm going to get this out. I have been trying to shake this crap since like 6:30, it just keeps coming back and invading my mind over and over. It's obviously very important to me, so I'm going to allow myself to explore it here.

I had a difficult interaction in therapy today. It was about my panic around the pain in my leg the other day. To refresh, I had gone for a walk for the first time in a very long time the day before, and I was rushing to get out the door to walk again, because the sun was going down. I had just gotten out of the shower. My foot and ankle felt a bit swollen and had like patches of burst capillaries on it that I just noticed for the first time. I tried to move past that, despite the swollen feeling. Then I started feeling a very deep pressure and sharp pain right where my quads met my inner thigh, around halfway up my thigh. And the pain reminded me a lot of the blood clot I got in 2010. The one the ER almost took my leg off for. Same leg, too.

So... in that moment... I noticed the evidence on hand. Swelling in ankle. Burst capillaries. Pain in an area that, given my admittedly rusty anatomy knowledge, was somewhere in the region of my femoral artery. I don't have the best diet. I don't exercise as much as I should. I spend enough time sitting every day that my spine and hips have gotten fucked up and even daily yoga is struggling to correct it. Logic was pointing towards blood clot. And... if it was... I would need to act pronto. Like... do not wait. Because if that slips? I'm dead.

That's my understanding of it. It's not a MD-level understanding of blood clots, but I think it's based on logical deduction given the information at hand. And at that point, I really didn't know what else to look for. What am I missing? How do I disprove that this is a blood clot. Where is the evidence against it?

So I go, "maybe this is just a weird cramp from my walk the other day". I start massaging it. It hurts. Then it eases. Then it comes back. I just... couldn't make sense of it. "Is me massaging it... if that's a clot, could that make it slip?" I just didn't know what to do. I felt out of my depth.

I ended up in a situation where essentially... I was facing mortality. And I tried really hard to take that seriously. To not be some stoic, macho "whatever, nothing can hurt me" Man, but to actually look at the evidence on the table and make an informed decision. And I had swelling and deep pain in the location of an artery (2 pieces of evidence) in Column A, and weird pain that might be cramp in Column B. Do I roll the dice on that? For real, do you roll the dice on that one?

If I were coughing and having trouble breathing, do I take a Covid test? I mean... I really feel like erring on the side of caution is the smart thing to do in that scenario. Am I fucking wrong? With how insanely neurotic every single member of my family is, I genuinely don't know!

I started to panic, I didn't know what to do. I did not want to doom-Google some webMD shit. I wanted the honest opinion of another person, a human, who has the ability to ask questions and let me know what they think. That's all I wanted. "Hey, can you look this over and tell me what you think." That's it. That's literally all I wanted. And it's all I've wanted for like 4 fucking years. With anything in my life. I wanted the participation of another person in very important moments in my life. Support. Perspective that I genuinely don't know how to give to myself.

Let me elaborate on that last point. How the fuck. Do I give myself. More perspective. In that moment? Seriously! What question am I supposed to ask? I had hit a fucking wall, I hit the end of my questions. If I had medical training, I might've thought to check if there were swelling at the site of the pain, but... I'm not a fucking doctor. And it's 7PM on a Saturday. You think the Health Center is picking up the phone when I call? You think I can even get to an Urgent Care? I run through every goddamn option I can think of before I look for help. Which... has actually been a serious problem in my past. Not asking for help. Being prideful and stubborn and suffering in silence, which is like carved into my fucking family crest.

Why am I this upset? I brought it up with my therapist because that was a really scary moment. And I said that I truly believe that if I had anyone in my life to fill that role? To just... get a fucking second opinion on shit? To help me process those emotions and figure out what's going on in an incredibly scary moment? Most of my mental health problems would be pretty well moderated. Stable, at very least. And I still genuinely believe that. If I had emotional support during any of my big freak-out moments, I would feel much more safe in this world.

But I know that if I hear a sound in the night, I'm 100% alone. I won't even be able to speak to another human about it until Thursday at 6PM. Imagine living alone. It's a Friday night. And you hear someone jiggling your handle at 2AM. And you have literally no one to call, let alone text. And you can't even share that moment with anyone until NEXT FUCKING THURSDAY.

And my therapist... responded by pushing back. He was treating me like my expectations of others to manage my anxiety was unreasonable. And I started physically shaking. I started trembling. I started flashing back to other therapists telling me almost verbatim the same thing. It doesn't matter how afraid you are. I doesn't matter how scary the situation is. You can NOT. Expect. Another person. ANYONE. Not friend. Not a loved one. Not family. Not your brother. Not your girlfriend. Not your mother. To comfort you, and reassure you, and help you through a scary moment. It doesn't matter if you were consistently neglected in scary moments as a child because your parents are both extremely emotionally inept, and you, by some fluke, are extremely emotionally sensitive. It doesn't matter if you've endured every scary moment of your life - near-death experiences, systemic abuse, actual real-world crises - entirely by yourself. You have not earned the right to have emotional support. Because it is not available. It's not real.

Then I look over and see people who are afraid of fucking spiders. House spiders, that I pick up with my hands and play with and say "hi little guy, how are you today?" And they, without even thinking to check the species, or what it's doing, where it's coming from, where it's going... they scream, and they murder it. Or they hide in a corner and lose their shit, and demand someone else kill it, and they will not be satisfied until the poor thing's life has been terminated. I have witnessed this countless times. And THOSE PEOPLE get sympathy. They get compassion. They get someone helping them, and reassuring them. And they aren't even fucking trying!

And here I am. Trying my very best, every goddamn moment like those I have, to not fucking bother other people. To not burden others with my freak-outs or problems. To not burden others with... you know... the opportunity to be a comforting rock for me in a very difficult time. Wouldn't want to put that on them, right? God, what a punishment it is to be someone's hero...

And I remember clearly saying, "Well... like... what's the fucking point of connecting with people then?" I actually said it, I remember that vividly because of how intense it was, and how meaningful that was, and how flat it fucking fell. What I meant was... if people are only going to be involved in my life in a superficial way? Like... fair-weather friends? And the second I have any kind of real problem? Like... I need help deciding if I need to take my pet to the vet. Or I need advice on whether I should go to the hospital. Or if I think this water damage in my ceiling is something I should talk to my landlord about. The second I run into something that I know I can't handle myself, that feels out of my depth... where I don't feel qualified, where I don't feel like I can handle it alone. Those are conveniently the exact moments that are unreasonable for me to ask for support. ... WHAT?! So... I can only get help with things... I don't need help with?!

I still don't understand it! I legit have no idea what to make of what my therapist was saying there. He tried to clarify to me that like... he thought he misread what I said? Or something? And he reacted the wrong way, or something? I'm trying to remember, the adrenaline was really strong at that point. I think he was imagining me going out and meet a new person and like... within the first week... expect them to come and sit with me while I get chemotherapy or some shit. That was the vibe I got from it. Which... is like... pretty extreme. And honestly, I don't really think I'd be comfortable calling or even texting someone that I had just met, and trusting them with something that personal and vulnerable.

I was talking about like... life-goals. I was saying... in the grand scheme of my life... if that piece was present in my life... If I had a girlfriend, a best friend, a healthy friendship. Ideally multiple, so the pressure isn't on exclusively one person. So, at 7PM on a weekend, when no one is fucking working, I can just text someone "hey, I'm having some pain in my legs and I'm kinda freakin out a bit, and it's reminding me of really scary memories and shit, so... can I walk you through what I'm going through and you tell me whether you would call a doctor or not?" And I'm gonna say this outright right now. If that friend says "No, and you really can't ask me for shit like that, that's a bit unreasonable. I'm not responsible for your mental health." Then... they are not my friend anymore. That's a fuckin acquaintance. Full stop. And I will stand by that statement.

I have a lot of emotions running through my system just reliving this. Me and my therapist got on the same page after he clarified that he might have misread what I was saying and responded to something different? I don't remember his phrasing. But we got more... dialed in. I think he's more worried about like... right now. Like mitigating immediate crisis. Which would make sense since he has an extensive history of working in crisis work. So that might have been a... maybe a reflex or something? Idk.

The best I can figure, he thought I was going to go out and meet someone new on the street and then start spamming them at 3AM because I'm hearing noises in the hallway and freaking out or some shit. Which... wouldn't happen, tbh. Like... since I've been moved in here (about 5 months now) I've had maybe... 2 times that were urgent to the degree that I would contact someone like that. The leg the other day and my cat the night before she died. But, I can absolutely see what he means by that... ending poorly... XD Like, if that's what he's seeing, I get that shit.

These moments don't happen that often. They happen more often when I smoke weed, but I have been holding off on that specifically because I don't have emotional support resources or remedies. They tend to happen more often around this time of the year - around March-June, and in the Fall. They are not restricted to those times, but those are when they are most memorably frequent.

Okay, let me take you where my mind is going right now. I have wanted for a long time to plunge into the depths of the unknown, into my own subconscious, into my dream world, into my nightmares, and integrate that into my artwork. It calls me, it draws me in, and it comes to me through vivid dreams and surreal emotional moments that just... feel super important and... that's where my art identity was born. And I don't have a good process in place for that kind of spirit-based work, really. And, I don't feel safe doing it. Not in a mortality way, in a... how do I put it... being scared to go to sleep alone because you just watched a horror movie and you know you're going to get super intense nightmares. Having just taken mushrooms and everyone wants to do a horror movie marathon and you just go... "yo, this is not a good idea, man." That. I don't have words for that. I can't sum that fear, that avoidance, into one word. Dread? It's not avoiding physical pain or physical harm, it's avoiding emotional pain or emotional harm. Right? Right?

So like... if you were emotionally numb... or at least like... emotionally detached... and you watched a horror movie... it would maybe hit you at like a 2 on the fear scale? You would probably spend most of the movie critiquing the logical decisions of characters, or scrutinizing the monster design, or the choices the killer made, whether it was plausibly believable, shit like that. It would be viewed as though you are a human looking at fish in an aquarium. But something clicked in my brain a while back where I... start getting really immersed in narratives, and really attached, and that can vary in degree, but fictional scenes in stories and games and whatnot can get very visceral and immersive for me. And I am so glad for that! I experience these stories at such a deeper level than I ever had before! These fictional people become... real people!

I tried to capture this shift when I did my Rimworld series. I didn't even know it was what I was doing, honestly. When I look back at that, that is probably one of my best attempts at a fine art project that shows how different I see the characters in that game than other people. How invested and immersed I am in that storyline, how those aren't little cartoon cutouts in a video game... they are so much more than that, they are actual people. With relationships, with backstories, with needs and desires, with hopes and dreams, they have mortality, their existence is finite, they make their own decisions. I simply... give them suggestions... and narrate their story. And I got so goddamn frustrated that no one that I showed this to (none of which played games, and just superficially judged the series because it was told through the medium of a video game) saw these as real people. They saw this, quite bluntly, as a grown man doing the equivalent of playing with action figures and acting out a story. Instead of "working".

And I'm going to say this right the fuck now. If Stanley Kubrick made a movie by doing stop-motion with action figures, it would be fucking art. If George Lucas wrote a short film and had actors animate action figures, it would be art. If I did it? I need to get a real job. So... fuck those people. I'm gonna play with action figures until the day I die, you can't kill my imagination that easily. I have Star Wars action figures in my kitchen in a little still-life with my fruit basket right the fuck now! XD Bib Fortuna's there, Admiral Ackbar's there, Lando's there, even Nien Nunb! Just because those motherfuckers decided to kill off their inner children, doesn't make the incredibly immersive and powerful story of Bowman and her colony any less valid. In fact, it kinda proves my point.

My whole project, the whole point, was to try to share this with others. To share how deeply I connect with these characters, to help them see what I see, feel what I feel. Because I know I'm different, I know I experience this more than they do. I would like to see that as a gift, not an "error" to be "corrected". And with some, I actually did succeed on sharing my perspective. Somewhat, I think. But I'll take it.

Here's an example of a success on that front. In a prior playthrough, I had a colony that had a Great Dane. Maya, that was her name. Good lord, it was winter 2019 and I still remember the name of that dog. I would play that colony on my laptop in the common room in the retreat, it was a place where I could escape a bit and... tend to a colony-garden, see what story gets thrown my way. And after several years in the colony, and getting to have a breeding partner (Duke), and 2 puppies (Abbie and Sneak)... Maya was killed in combat. She went out to save someone when they were being raided and caught a stray bullet, a complete fluke. It was tragic. It made my heart sink. And no one around me felt that, or even really gave one modicum of a shit about this story or these characters. So, I grieved that loss alone, in the same way I have grieved the loss of beloved characters in TV shows. And I was trying to get my Instagram back up and running again by doing like... character sheet illustrations of the colonists, with their stats on the page next to them, to tell a little bit about them. And I decided to do an illustration, a memorial, for Maya. So I pulled up a reference picture I liked of a Great Dane that looked like what my mental image of her was and I drew it, and wrote "In Loving Memory" above it. And years later, my mom told me that sketch was one of the most memorable pieces that I had done, one that stuck with her. Like she could feel what I felt with that. That it was mournful, yet beautifully honoring them. I felt like that was probably the biggest success I had made with any Rimworld-related thing.

So... my theory on all of this... to try to tie my tangent back around... My theory is that I get much more emotionally invested, and emotionally overwhelmed. That emotional pain can almost be worse for me than physical pain. Actually, I think that's way more than almost. I will gladly subject myself to physical suffering for months to spare myself from humiliation, or from... what's the word for someone looking at you like you're trying to trick them into giving you a prescription for Ritalin?... Suspicion? It feels stronger than suspicion, like being put on trial, and made to defend myself. Like inquisition or something, like I'm already guilty and I haven't done anything wrong. Does that make sense?

Like... wow, this sounds so fucking stupid but let's put this out there... XD I'm more afraid of the emotional experience of having a gun pulled on me than I am of being robbed and losing all my shit. Okay, so you get my phone with a cracked fucking screen, you get my AirPods with no charging case (lol) and you get my keyfob to a building you don't know and an apartment you don't know. And I'll just go right to the building, buzz the on-call person and tell them the whole story right away. Like, at a practical level, it sucks... but it doesn't fucking ruin me. They're material possessions. It's just a matter of time before they're replaced, and... if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I don't need a phone. It's true. What I am terrified of, is the emotional shock. And the toll it takes on me. I'm scared of the feeling of facing mortality again. For the umpteenth time. And how a moment like being mugged, for me, can be like throwing a rock into a pond - the reverberations and ripples last a very, very long time. I'm still getting over my ex, we broke up summer of 2018. Only now are those ripples like... 1-2/10 in magnitude. And the ripples interfere with sleep, which affects everything. They interfere with my ability to focus and work. They interfere with home care, chores, cooking, just daily fucking functioning. For weeks, to months, to years. And that can sideline my life.

All I want is fucking peace. And it seems like so many people out there have no desire for that, they want outrage, they want justice, they want more. I dunno.

So I really do stand by my statement in my session. I really do think that if I, a super emotional person, had an emotional support system for when I get so overwhelmed with emotions that I struggle to find a good solution? So I can get a balanced logical perspective from someone who is not imminently experiencing those overwhelming emotions? My anxiety would be deeply lessened. I would feel much more safe and secure on a daily basis. I would feel less alone and depressed. My trauma would likely remain the same, but I would have more emotional energy in reserve to be able to converse with it, and I honestly feel like I've been doing a good job with that lately.

All I'm looking for is a second opinion on really scary shit, and maybe a pat on the back, or some words of reassurance during difficult times. That's really it. I try really hard to not ask for much. And to have my therapist (again, due to a misunderstanding, but this was my experience of it) tell me that basically... if I want that, I have to provide that for myself? That it's simply not available from others. Where my head went? The whole world is my emotionally unavailable family. The whole world is my unsupportive former friends. The social support I'm looking for... doesn't exist. And it made my vision go all high contrast, and it made my skin tingle, and it made me start to tremble and tense up. I got scared, and frustrated, and I pushed back.

The session went well after that, I mean that. He gave me resources that I didn't know existed, like mental health crisis lines to call in a moment like that, where it's okay to call when you're having a panic attack like that, to get help. And I feel so fucking horrible calling the same line as someone (forgive my lack of tact in how on-the-nose this next image is, I do it to provide a visual analogy for where people are emotionally) with their neck in a noose. I feel like I shouldn't waste 911's time. I feel like I shouldn't call the police's after-hours numbers. I feel like I shouldn't go to urgent care. And I have been in situations similar to this where I did have Rescue Squad come over to my house and check on me. And it was fucking humiliating. Why? Because I had a rash on my leg. And I was on a medication that said "if you develop a rash, call a doctor immediately" and the nearest hospital was over an hour away and it was like 11PM. To me, I was doing what the fucking warning label said to do. But I get treated like a dumbass. I get shamed and humiliated. If only I had someone I could run it by who could tell me... "hey, I think they mean like... if you get a rash when you start taking the medication, not when you've been on it for over a year. Let me look that up with you real quick." Instead, I get treated like I'm some paranoid nutjob asshole who's wasting everyone's time.

God, I slip back into frustration with that shit so quick! What I was saying was... he gave me resources that seemed like they were more suited to... people who are freaking out. I guess more of a... "warm line" than a hotline? And that would be a good solution for me. Just someone to share that space and that survival moment with me and help me sort out the facts from the emotions, look for clues that aren't apparent to me in the moment, and help me formulate a plan. I hope it's an appropriate resource for what I need it for.

We later talked about... meds. And given the context, I wasn't as enthusiastic as I was last night. Weird, right? I wrote on here last night about how I wanted to pursue as-needed meds to help mitigate anxiety attacks. My primary reasoning being... to help provide security and a plan B if I freak out from smoking weed, as a way to help me get more sleep. Because I have strong suspicions that sleep deprivation is playing a big role in this. But also, just to help with those overwhelming emotional moments.

But when it was brought up, I was already in shaky-hands mode. I was on alert. And when he asked me how I wanted to go about it? I... had no idea. Because I don't... I don't want to fucking be accused of drug seeking again. I have had so many bad experiences with people looking at me like I'm a hedonist trying to manipulate them for access to self-indulgence. Or a con artist trying to swindle them into making a profit. And I devote my entire life to being an ethical and wholesome person, to being mindful and intentional. I would be literally seeking out these medications specifically to use them as intended. But this guy has known me a grand total of maybe 34 minutes. You know? And that feeling of scrutiny? Of... inquisition? God, I fucking hate that feeling. It feels like... home. Not the good "home", like... my family. In a lot of cases, I'd rather have the panic. It's really weird to say that, but like... if given the choice between that being subjected to interrogation/skepticism feeling plus not getting the meds and having to deal with panic attacks... or just having the panic attacks? When you frame it that way, it's a no-brainer.

So I've had to develop ways to finesse my emotions, to create scenarios where I can optimize my chances of success, and create a little buffer of emotional stability. Meaning... create some lead-in interaction with that person to get my emotions acclimated, then transition into bringing up the scary one. That was my solution, because it's worked for me in the past. I offered to follow up with the doctor about the labs he ran on my scalp swab, which they never followed up with me on. Then transition into saying... "so... I'm having some pretty debilitating panic attacks again... and my therapist is recommending we look into as-needed medications to help get through it, and he's very willing to talk about this with you, would you like to arrange a time to discuss that?" I think that should be okay. But I just, from extensive experience of people being suspicious of me, feel super uncomfortable calling out of the blue and saying "hey, I want to get pharmaceuticals for panic attacks, can I make an appointment?" I mean, it's literally drug-seeking. It's legit drug-seeking, but it's drug seeking nonetheless. And given really fucked up situations I've had with that in the past? I'd prefer my way.

Good lord, I'm goin off tonight. I think I've gotten most of that out of my system.

It sucks, because I was doing good this week. Besides the sleep shit and that panic. And even those, I managed them surprisingly well, and have been able to function through it, get work done, get stuff done around the house, even get out into the world more often too. I don't want to glaze over that.

I'm just really upset that this is still happening. That I've worked so hard for so long developing skills and tools, relaxation and grounding techniques, critical thinking, questioning the fear, and I feel like I'm doing it right? And it still ends up feeling like I'm staring death in the eyes. And I just don't know what else I can do? Like... with the leg thing, if I rabbit-hole on webMD right there, it 100% will make it worse. I'll come out of that thinking I have viral meningitis or some shit. If I force myself to ignore health symptoms like that... and I live alone... it just doesn't seem intelligent. I'm just really struggling to figure out, skill-wise, what I need to do in that moment to clarify "do you call the doctors or not?" If the thought "check for local heat and swelling" does not pop into my head because I don't have the medical training to even know to look for that... then... I've simply run out of criteria to check. As far as I knew, clots = deep pain + pressure + swelling at extremities + time-sensitive/urgent. And, as far as I could tell, it ticked all the boxes. So... if I have no more boxes? What do I do?

I'll tell you what I did do. I said "welp, if it's a clot, I'm dead in a few minutes anyway. I said I was going for a walk. If I keel over and die here, it'll be at least a week before anyone finds me. If I keel over and die in the stairwell, at least someone will find my body." And I went. And I had a nice walk.

My therapist commended me, sincerely, on my bravery for that. It meant a lot to me. I credit skateboarding for helping me with that "fuck it, send it" skill. I'm just not convinced it's the most intelligent way to deal with medical stuff. Because if I did that way back with my shin, and it was compartment syndrome? I would've died 13 years ago, in an apartment, alone with my cat. I wonder if that's my trauma talking... Hm...

On the work front, I got started on the topographic map animation section. It's basically a topographic map that I sourced from the internet, and then I drop the AI creature sketch I made yesterday onto the map, then draw a destination marker, then send the AI on a simulated pathfinding journey towards the destination. Then I pepper trees and rocks in and send it out again for a new path, and then the path leaves a trail at the end, like a pheromone trail. Then I'll do a third one which makes its own path until it collides with the pheromone trail, then it joins that path. I got as far as spreading the pheromone trail, but I struggled a bit with figuring out how to disperse it aesthetically over the course of several hundred frames, because I drew it manually. And I kinda tapped out at that point. The whole animation is going to be at least a minute and a half, at 60fps, it's a lot. But I got a ton done and it's lookin pretty snazzy. After this, I just need to do an animation showing me doing the same thing but with a ballpoint pen... then the topo map kinda tilting so the camera goes down to first person... then crossfade into the Minecraft footage.

After that, the only thing I need is the IRL hike footage, which should be a great excuse to get myself back out in nature. The trees are already budding, it's not a bad time to get out there.

So yeah, as tricky as today has been emotionally... with that frustration and... just like... the echoes of that conversation knocking on my mental door every hour or so... I still accomplished quite a bit. And the session was good. It just hit several of my most sensitive spots. And I came out of it on good terms, with new resources and a plan. That's a first. And as much as it's understandable that I'm frustrated with all of this, and overwhelmed, and sad, and all that chaotic energy around it... I can't let myself overlook that this was the first time anyone has discussed this with me... and this misunderstanding happened (this is at least the 5th time this has happened with this exact topic, the first with this therapist)... and the conversation actually turned around into practical solutions, real tools and an actual plan. I have to keep that in mind! It's like... the most important part!

Maybe I'll "treat myself" to a trip to the skatepark if it's nice tomorrow, sleep-dependent. Or maybe I'll limit my work hours and let myself just chill and play games a bit. But for now? I need to order earplugs for sleep that I was going to order last night, and then head to bed.

[theshadowrealmitself]

Anyways, I was thinking about this again because I was thinking of a small plot line where Character A, a starship captain, never recovered from Character B’s death and threw themselves into their work because of it, but also kept getting into trouble because of their coping mechanisms

And the latest trouble they got into was getting drunk and making Character C feel threatened, so Character C rightfully reported them

And in the legal rules that I made up for this, a starship officer can make an appeal to have the complaint dropped (like they just had a really bad mission but they’re already signed up for counseling and are making an active effort to heal from it) because if the complaint goes through, then that officer has to go through some mandatory retraining that pertains to whatever they did, and it puts a strike on their record (which will fall away after a specific amount of time has passed)

And Character D pushes that appeal through because they know that if Character A gets that strike, they’re just gonna get a ton more strikes, and they don’t want them to lose their ship (they’ve been avoiding getting those strikes because D always pushes for an appeal, and the people who put up the complaints will usually drop them because they feel bad for A)

But the thing about appeals is that it’s supposed to be for one off events where the starship officer has never acted that way before and is making a concentrated effort to never act that way again, it was just extenuating circumstances

So when C gets that appeal and D accidentally reveals that they’ve submitted many appeals before that, C’s like “…no? this isn’t the situation where an appeal applies”

So the report was supposed to automatically go into a strike and re-training, but D fights against it, and it somehow gets turned into a court case

And this whole thing was supposed to be about a dramatic reveal of C’s past (because C is actually the mc overall and A and D are one off characters) because everyone’s pushing for A to just be forgiven because they lost B (2 decades ago), and A has been repeatedly given special treatment because of it

And C’s supposed to reach a point where they’re like “What about me? What about what I’ve been through? This person’s spouse died on a mission they knew was dangerous, while holding a position they knew had a high death rate, so they’re allowed to be above rules? What they’ve been through is sad, but I’ve been through objectively worse, so what do I get a free pass on?”

But instead it became about C gently pointing out to D that them doing everything they can to protect A was actually making things worse, that trying to force everyone else to pretend everything was okay so that A can still hold their position they aren’t fit for anymore was hurting everyone

It’s been over 20 years and A still can’t cope on a day to day basis, they need actual help, which involves stepping down as captain, maybe even permanently, even if it hurts them, even if it upsets D to upset A

Pet shop of horrors was one of my favorite mangas growing up (I haven’t read it in forever so I don’t know if anything aged horribly, but from memory it was fantastic and you need to read it immediately, there’s also a mini anime series but I don’t know if it’s good) and the bunny one still messes me up to this day (spoilers ahead)

So a quick overview of it is that Count D runs a pet shop, and all the animals in it are actually supernatural that appear to be humans to Count D and customers, and he always warns people on how to take care of the pets when they buy one, but they always ignore his warnings and end up dead, and this detective just knows Count D is related to the murders but can’t prove anything (especially since the animals actually look like animals to him)(there’s so much other stuff going on this manga please, please read it, it’s so great)

And the bunny one is that this couple recently lost their daughter and decide to get a pet to help them with their grief, so they go to Count D who introduces them to this bunny, except the bunny looks like their dead daughter, so obviously they get the bunny

And Count D’s like “even though this looks like a human to you, this is still a bunny, so do not give the bunny any candy” (at least I remember the rule being to not give it candy), and they’re like “we understand” and go home and celebrate over having their “daughter” “back”

And at some point (I wanna say this happens almost immediately?), the bunny looks up at the mom with pleading eyes and asks for candy and the mom caves, which leads to this horrifying outcome of small bunnies (that actually look like bunnies this time) clawing their way out of the main bunny and then I think killing the parents? before all dying themselves because bunnies can’t have candy

And it turned out that that’s kinda how their daughter originally died too, the mom could never say no to her, and when their daughter was in rehab, she begged her mom for more drugs, and her mom slipped her some because she couldn’t say no to her and thought a little bit wouldn’t hurt, and it led to her overdosing (again this is all from memory because I’m scared to pick up the manga again and not have it live up to my nostalgia, so apologies if I got anything wrong)

And that just still messes me up, like she clearly loved her daughter, you can’t deny that, but she couldn’t do right by her, because instead of giving her what she needed, she just kept giving her what she wanted, and it killed her daughter, her daughter’s replacement, and even her and her husband in the end

And I just think if that was in more things (accidentally killing the person you love because you love them and you don’t understand that it’s because you love them that you should say no and disappoint them at times) it would mess me up even more but I’d go feral for it

[thewitchandtheassassin]

Hidden Sparks (Kate Bishop x Reader)

Summary: Kate has had enough.

Words: 1347

Warnings: Language, the team being kinda judgy.

A/N: First story for Kate. We’ll see how I feel about her after this.

Taglist: @natasharomanoffswife​ @natasha-danvers​ @aaron-despair​ @username23345 @xjiasx​ @nowthisisliving27 @higherfurther-romanova​ @summergeezburr @imnotasuperhero @miscmarvelwritings @captain-josslett @onlyafewfindtheway @hayleyokami @b-5by5  @evilcr0ne​  @everything201197​  @lostandsearching​ @marvels-writings​​

-X-

Becoming an apprentice with the Avengers – with the Hawkeye – had been Kate’s dream for longer than she was willing to acknowledge

(Because, you know, she wasn’t a creep, they were just all so super impressive and to train with the man himself? It wouldn’t look good to tell him she often dreamed about him. Not in a weird way! But getting to learn from him and everyone else. Not that he wasn’t handsome! But he wasn’t her type. And…wow, she even rambled in her brain. That’s sad.)

“Yes, you do,” Wanda joked as she passed her a plate of food, bringing Kate back into the present. “Quite loudly, in fact.”

Kate’s face went hot, staring at the delicious meal and wishing it would swallow her whole or become a portal to another planet. Whichever was the fastest option to wipe away her embarrassment.

“Be glad (Y/N) cannot read minds or your little secret would be out already.” Wanda’s tone remained teasing but the affectionate undercurrent was obvious as she chuckled at Kate’s pained groan, her powers sliding the plate away seconds before the younger woman’s head hit the counter with an audible thump.

“How long have you known?” Kate’s question was muffled but Wanda heard it clear as day.

“Since your first day at the Compound. Clint was showing you around. She exploded the punching bag in the training room and -”

“Oh god, please stop.” Kate could easily remember what thought had crossed her mind at the overly attractive display. She didn’t need the pretty, sweet witch repeating her thoughts. Especially out loud.

Wanda smirked. What Kate didn’t know was that your little display of power had been a complete accident. You’d been distracted by her appearance and lost control for a split second, sending your heated fist through the material like it was nothing.

It was also the reason you were under orders to stay away from the new apprentice. The amount of distrust directed at you by most of the team was disheartening. Wanda had once been in your shoes and she hated how little you were given still.

“Don’t give up on her,” Wanda advised after a moment of silence, voice softening noticeably.

“She hates me,” Kate whined. “I’ve been training with everyone for months except her. The longest conversation we’ve ever had was her asking if I was going up or down in the elevator, pressing the button, and then leaving to take the stairs. Like, who does that? We were going to the same floor!”

Wanda sighed heavily and Kate’s head rose, brow arching as she scrutinized the youngest Avenger.

“What was that? What do you know?” Kate inquired deliberately, gaze narrowing into a pointed stare. If there was something she didn’t know, she deserved to be in on the secret. Especially if it involved her.

Glancing away, the Sokovian chewed her lip as she considered her options. Telling Kate could be disastrous but she hated how badly the team treated you, isolating you despite the expectation that you were supposed to have their backs if something were to happen. The only person who truly spent any time with you was Bucky, which only served to garner more scrutiny from the others – aside from herself and Steve.

“Seriously, Wanda, do you know why she runs away from me like I have the bubonic plague or something? Did I do something? Or offend her? Because I know I talk a lot and I don’t always think before I speak but I never meant to upset her,” Kate babbled, her hands flailing as she grew more animated and concerned. “If you know, then maybe I can apologize for it…”

A calming hand wrapped around Kate’s wrist and Wanda squeezed reassuringly. “It wasn’t you, Kate.”

Freezing, the younger woman peered up in confusion at the redhead. “Then why?”

“Clint told her to stay away from you. Both he and Natasha threatened to speak with Fury about kicking her from the program if she dared to venture too close to you. The others either backed the threat or kept quiet, so now she –”

“What?!” Kate trembled with fury at the thought of you so lonely and defeated, staying away from her to keep your place among the Avengers. “Are you serious? And no one stopped this? Even you?”

Bowing her head shamefully, Wanda released her quaking wrist and clasped her hands together, fingers caressing her thumb ring. “I was in her shoes not too long ago. If it wasn’t for Vision, they would probably still look at me the same. I tried asking Vis to help her but he said she was too dangerous. I try but there isn’t much I can do. Her friendship with Bucky has only made her seem less than favorable in their eyes, but they have an understanding.”

Shoving up from the table, Kate’s body vibrated with unbridled anger as it washed over her in never-ending waves. She wanted to be furious with the chagrined witch but she couldn’t blame her for the position she’d been forced into.

She could blame everyone else though.

-X-

It didn’t take much to find Clint sparring on the mats with Natasha, briefly spotting you tucked in the corner of the room with the fireproofed punching bag Banner had crafted. It was apparent you’d seen her but you couldn’t escape without passing her, which kept you essentially trapped for the impending show.

Good.

“Morning, Bishop,” Natasha greeted, her smile fading at the stern expression the younger woman wore, reminding her vaguely of Yelena. “What’s wrong?”

“You two have some nerve,” Kate snarled, glancing between the former assassins expectantly. “I will have you both know that I am not a child and you have no right to threaten someone away from me! Yes, I’m younger and you seem to think I’m a naïve kid but you never should’ve endangered (Y/N)’s place on this team. She’s saved both of your asses so many times – and that’s just what I’ve seen! That’s really shitty and honestly, I had expected better from you.”

Clint’s cheeks went red while Natasha glanced away, unaccustomed to such passionate dressing-downs from someone other than Fury.

“I had to find out from someone else why she hides from me! I thought it was something I had done, but no. It was you. All of you. You trust her to keep you alive, so maybe you should trust her to be a part of this team! God!” she shouted, shaking her head in absolute disgust. “The next person I’m scheduled to train with better be (Y/N) or so help me, you’ll really find out how good my shot is now.”

Nodding his head meekly, Kate could see the silent apology shining in his eyes – the same look he often offered his children when he broke another promise – but she wasn’t the person he should be apologizing to and they both knew it.

Stomping over to you, still tucked awkwardly in the corner, Kate stopped inches from you. Arms crossed and a fire in her eye, you stared fearfully at her, awaiting her wrath.

“And you! You should’ve told me about all of this nonsense.” Her features softened slightly, gaze tracing the quiver of your lips and the worry glistening in your eyes. “You’re going to make this up to me. Starting with a date to that fancy ice cream shop a few blocks away. Understood?”

You nodded dumbly. “R-right now?”

Her silence was deafening as she playfully considered her answer. “Yes. Right now. Go shower and I’ll see you in the living room in an hour. Deal?”

“Uh huh,” you mumbled, wiping away the sweat lingering at your brow. “I’ll uh… go do that.”

Scrambling out of the room, you refused to look at the assassins as you stalked past. You couldn’t bear to see the judgment in their eyes anymore, knowing they’d probably kill you if the situation was different. But you also couldn’t stop grinning, a little bounce added to your steps as you realized something spectacular.

You had a date.