#and at the same time she couldn't forgive him for the grief he caused her mother and HERSELF

[what-breaks-my-heart]

[flowerandblood]

The Fall from the Heavens (31)

[ canon • Aemond x Strong • niece female ]

[ warnings: sex content, sexual tension, smut, angst, swearing ]

[ description: A cool distance turns into friendship and more when two children see that they can find refuge and understanding in each other. However, naïve dreams collide with the reality in which every event has consequences and what once could have been love becomes a dark, newly painful obsession. Angst, sexual tension, obsession, violence, madness, very dark Aemond. ]

The story in this series is an alternate reality from the oneshot Stay and love, leave and die, in which Aemond reads the letters his niece has sent to him over the years. They are the same characters and it shows what would have happened between them − I have changed the background story from their childhood slightly for the sake of the plot.

Characters & Series Moodboard Lady Strong Moodboard Aemond & Lady Strong Moodboard Aemond & Lady Strong Childhood

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Next chapters: Masterlist

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She couldn't believe it, but the measter left her with no illusions − after weeks filled with fear and prayers, a miracle had happened and she was expecting a child.

She knew it was a blessing from the heavens, that some women waited months or even years for their offspring.

She thought with joy that it was a sign that the gods were supporting them and their cause.

That they also did not desire war.

It seemed to her that, despite everything that had happened, her mother was also reassured and pleased by this information − by the thought that perhaps she would give birth to a son who could be declared heir to the throne and bring a solution that would at least partially satisfy all sides.

The only person who was not pleased by this news was Jace. He was the only one not to congratulate her, and at the common table he pretended not to see her, speaking only to his betrothed.

She realised that their mother, while protecting him all her life, had at the same time weakened him, allowing him to remain immature deep inside while maintaining a semblance of masculinity.

She decided, however, that it no longer mattered.

She eagerly awaited her husband's return, wanting to convey this wonderful news to him in person − she wished to see his reaction and enjoy the moment with him. She gushed with delight when one morning her servant announced that a message had arrived from Harrenhal, hoping that she would read in it when she would see him again.

Her anger at him was now completely passed, replaced by longing and desire to be reunited.

She unrolled the parchment, chewing on the piece of bread she had just had in her mouth, and began to read.

I reached Harrenhal however, unfortunately, I found the fortress empty. Lord Strong escaped with several spies − we are still searching for them. In accordance with your will, I have spared Alys Rivers' life and locked her in her chamber. I cannot predict when I will be able to return to Dragonstone. I ask your forgiveness for not fulfilling my duty as your husband and not being by your side. Aemond

She swallowed hard, feeling a twinge of discomfort and grief in her guts at the thought that the matter was not yet closed and there was no way of knowing when it would be.

The thought of further separation devastated her.

This made her come up with an idea that her mother did not approve of.

"No. You are carrying your child inside you, I will not let you fly to Harrenhal. It's too dangerous." She communicated to her clearly, shaking her head.

She pressed her lips together at her words, feeling her heart pounding fast.

"The journey to Harrenhal is not long. Who would attack me in the sky? My husband has informed me that the fortress is empty. I will be safe there. He is there to prove his loyalty to me and you."

Daemon chuckled at her words, shifting from foot to foot, amused.

"He's fixing something he destroyed himself. If he had said what he knows instead of playing with us, I would have taken care of the matter myself, and Larys Strong's head would have greeted visitors to Harrenhal on a spike." He said coldly, staring at her expectantly. She looked at him in disbelief, wondering if this was what they were discussing then, on the seashore.

Daemon knew of what was about to happen to them and Aemond had thwarted his plans.

She swallowed hard at the thought.

"I…−"

"− I'll fly with you −" She heard Baela's voice and raised her gaze to her, surprised. Jace moved beside her uneasily.

"− what are you doing? −"

"− I've never seen Harrenhal − I'll make sure my cousin got there safely, rest a day or two in the fortress and return to Dragonstone −" Baela said without heeding her betrothed's impatient, furtive gaze.

Rhaenyra pressed her lips together, turning her head away, clearly frustrated that her daughter wanted to leave her family home, which she felt was the safest place possible for her.

"− if you lose this child −"

"− I won't lose it − I'll look out for myself − it'll be easier for me to calm down when I'm by his side knowing what's happening −" She explained, looking at her with a certainty from which her mother sighed heavily.

She and Baela set off before dawn the next day. Her mother hugged her tightly, tears in her eyes at the thought that her child was leaving her again.

"− watch out for yourself − you are my only daughter −" She muttered with regret and pulled away, placing a lingering, warm, tender motherly kiss on her forehead.

She glanced at Daemon, who stood in the distance − he was looking at her with his chin raised high, as proud and filled with mockery as always. He nodded as if he accepted her choice, the fact that she had done what he demanded.

She had made a manly decision with all its consequences.

She was her husband's wife.

Flying in the skies alongside Baela and Moondancer, she wondered why she had never done this before; her cousin's dragoness was as beautiful and agile as Larax, her scales shining wonderfully in the light of the rising sun.

She was grateful to Baela for offering to fly with her − her company calmed her and gave her strength, a sense that she wasn't treating her like a traitor, that she was trying to understand her and help her as much as she could.

She thought with pain that if she had opened her heart to her earlier, they would have been close friends for years.

She hoped in her mind that they would make up for lost time when at last the succession issue would be finally resolved.

When peace would reign.

The journey to Harrenhal on the dragon's back proved to be quick and pleasant − they landed just outside the fortress when the sun was already lazily rising in the sky.

She couldn't stop the wide smile that appeared on her face, the rapid pounding of her heart or the trembling of her hands as she slid from her saddle and saw her husband step out of the stronghold gates to meet them, looking at her from afar.

She felt what she had experienced when she saw him for the first time after eight years then, in the courtyard of the Red Keep, when he was duelling with Criston Cole.

She wanted to run to him, throw herself into his arms and whisper how much she missed him.

This time he didn't turn away, and she didn't hold back.

She laughed as she felt her legs begin to carry her forward on their own, her body filled with warm affection and emotion at the sight of his pain-filled disbelief.

As she fell into his arms, as she smelled his familiar scent again, she felt his hands catch her under her hips and lift her high. She threw her arms around his neck, her legs entwined around his waist as their lips came out to meet each other, locking in a sticky, messy, hot kiss from which they both sighed quietly.

She squirmed when she felt his tongue slide deep into her mouth, rubbing her palate, her walls clenched greedily as his throbbing manhood slapped against her lower abdomen, betraying how great his longing actually was.

She pulled away from him, breathing loudly as he did, wanting to look at him and noticed his hazy, dark gaze filled with desire, his lips, puffy from their caresses parted.

She sighed when his broad hand stroked her head and pressed her forehead against his, only to have their lips join again a moment later in a soft, warm kiss with a loud click of their saliva.

Only after a moment did she remember that she had not come alone.

She grunted quietly, pulling away from him − her husband glanced sideways and furrowed his brow, setting her back down on the ground, clearly unhappy with what he saw before him.

Their cousin stood a few steps behind her, smiling at her uncle with feigned affection and mockery, from which his lips pressed together in a thin line.

"Baela accompanied me on the journey for my safety. Mother did not want me to fly to Harrenhal alone." She said quickly, wanting to calm the situation and what was surely just going on inside his head.

She saw him glance at her quickly at her words, as if surprised. He hummed under his breath and nodded − his expression softened, as if he recognised that this was indeed the right decision.

"I am grateful to you for your sacrifice, cousin. I will order a chamber to be prepared for you." He announced coolly and matter-of-factly − their cousin nodded, still smiling.

She knew she was trying to bring him out of balance, but there was nothing she could do with it.

As one of the servants took Baela to her quarters, her husband looked at her and licked his lower lip with his tongue, as if he was thinking deeply about something.

"− I must speak to you in private −"

"− I need to speak to you too −" She said cheerfully.

She was so eager to share this joyful news with him.

She closed the door behind her as soon as they crossed the threshold of his chamber, ready to tell him, but he grabbed her violently by the shoulder and turned her towards him, slamming her back against the wall.

She squealed when his lips pressed against hers as if he wanted to devour her, his tongue invading deep into her throat with his loud sigh on the edge of pain and relief.

"− w-wait − uncle − I must −" She mumbled as his hand clamped down impatiently on her breasts and his hips began to rub against her stomach − his manhood was all hard and swollen beneath his breeches, and the very thought made her feel the wonderful, familiar wetness between her thighs.

"− were you touching yourself? −" He breathed out into her mouth, as if he was in amok and hadn't heard her words, his hands trailing from her hair, down her neck, to her breasts and buttocks, as if he couldn't decide what he wanted to feel more, what he longed for so much.

"− I − y-yes − gods, Aemond −" She gasped in pleasure as one of his hands slid deep between her thighs − his fingers dug into her womanhood hidden beneath the fabric of her breeches, teasing and squeezing it, making her nipples harden all over with desire.

Only a sigh escaped her lips as he turned her with her face against the wall, his moist tongue running over her thrill-warmed neck, his twitching cock pressed against the place between her buttocks.

"− me too − every day −" He hummed into her ear, untying her breeches with his long, nimble fingers − she involuntarily pressed her cheek against the wall understanding and desiring whatever was about to happen, her fleshy insides clenching desperately around nothing.

"− morning and evening − thinking of this tight little cunt −" He gasped with delight, running his fingertips over her soft, plushy folds as he spoke the words, satisfied apparently that she was completely ready for him.

"− as always sticky and warm for her husband − hm? −" He hummed, sliding her breeches down with a single, sure flick of his hand.

She swallowed hard, feeling her thighs and what was between them being enveloped by the cool air of the room, her heart thumping like mad as she heard him try to deal with the material of his garment behind her back, his hot breath teasing her neck again and again.

"− yes − ah −" She mumbled when she felt him grab her with his arm around her waist and pull her hips closer, forcing her to buck her buttocks and bend over.

Pathetic, helpless moan broke from her throat when she felt how swollen the head of his cock was, with what difficulty he tried to force it between her slick, hot, puffy walls.

"− fuck − fuck −" He exhaled, with impatient thrusts of his hips invading deeper and deeper into her warm core, spreading her open on his fat erection.

She gasped, clenching her eyes shut, trying to keep her balance by leaning against the wall in front of her and fit what he was trying to force into her − she thought in disbelief that it seemed more swollen to her than usual, she could feel exactly every vein of it rubbing again and again the wonderful spot inside her.

"− why is it − so big − o-oh, gods −" She mewled, moaning like a mere whore as he began to pound into her without any warning, opening her wide again and again on his throbbing cock with loud splats of his thighs against her buttocks.

She felt her wetness run down her thighs − she knew he had seen it because she heard his low groan of pleasure.

"− and what do you think − fuck, Rhaenys, I'm not going to pull it out of you tonight −" He breathed out, leaning forward, slamming into her again and again as brutally and quickly as if he'd lost his mind − he leaned one of his hands against the wall just above her head, the other clenching at the same time on her hip, forcing her to take what he was giving her.

She clenched her hands into fists, feeling the tickling, hot sensation building up in her lower abdomen at a startlingly rapid pace, her hips involuntarily beginning to respond to his thrusts, meeting him halfway, clenching around his manhood, refusing to let him go.

Her nipples swelled wonderfully as she felt him press his face against her hair, as if he was drawn to her scent, groaning and panting along with her, thrusting into her so fast and deep that he was hardly sliding out of her.

"− let me, Rhaenys − let me, let me, let me −" He uttered with a heavy breath, and she felt that it was over for her − her body shook with a wonderful, tickling shudder that she felt in her mouth, in her fingertips, in her nipples and in her weeping cunt, which began to suck him inside her in an fulfilment so strong that for a moment she saw darkness before her eyes. She heard his surprised gasp of pleasure, followed by his loud sigh of relief.

She felt his hot seed fill her womb again, his hips rocking inside her for a moment longer, his face pressed into her neck, as if he wanted to prolong this wonderful moment.

They both couldn't catch their breath, panting and quivering, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, keeping her from slipping to the stone floor.

"− Rhaenys −" He whispered, and she sighed quietly, smiling involuntarily, tired and fulfilled.

"− hm? −"

"− stay wtih me −"

She swallowed hard and pressed her lips together into a thin line, for some reason feeling a squeeze in her throat, a wonderful elation at the thought that he craved her presence so much, that he missed her as much as she missed him.

"− I will, my love −" She hummed and heard him sigh in relief, his lips placing a soft, warm kiss on her neck.

"− what did you want to convey to me? − your mother has another condition? −" He asked reluctantly, as if he didn't want to bother himself with this topic, having her at his fingertips again. She smiled at his question, placing her hand on his arm, with which he embraced her at the waist.

Her heart sang with joy.

"− I'm carrying your child −"

She felt him freeze behind her, his breath caught in his throat.

"− what? −" He muttered, as if he thought he had overheard himself and needed her to say those wonderful words again.

She smiled under her breath feeling that, for the first time in months, happiness and hope filled her. With a soft movement, she grabbed his wrist and gently placed his hand on her lower abdomen, pressing it against her bare skin. She heard him swallow loudly, taken aback in disbelief.

"− you're going to be a father, uncle −" She hummed, turning to face him over her shoulder − her breath caught in her throat when she heard him laugh.

It was not a mocking or cold sound, more an expression of joyful disbelief, there was a warmth and happiness in his gaze from which she felt moved.

She felt the tips of his fingertips dig into the soft skin of her stomach, his lips found hers in a greedy, wet, deep kiss, his half-soft manhood pulsed deep inside her again.

"− Rhaenys − oh gods − this must be a dream −" He breathed out into her mouth, slipping his slick tongue deep into her throat, panting with delight − her walls squeezed him tight with pleasure as she felt him involuntarily begin to root into her again with the tentative, soft thrusts of his hips.

"− then it is a good dream −" She whispered tenderly into his mouth and he murmured loudly, saying no more.

This time, knowing she was expecting his child, he took her to his bed, wanting to look at her face and what he was doing to her, panting into her mouth at how much she pleased him, how well she did, already carrying his offspring in her womb.

He pulled their garments off of them, ripping his eye patch from his face, wanting to be vulnerable with her, wanting to be exposed with her.

She knew what she was to him at that moment.

A dragon egg that had cracked.

As his swollen manhood pushed against her moist slit again, he slid into her with ease, slowly and unhurriedly this time, merely rocking his hips back and forth inside her, making her lips part in delight at how gentle and tender the experience was.

His cheek snuggled into her hair and his face sank into the pillow under her head as if he didn't want her to see the expression on his face, how much pleasure he was getting from this soft intimacy.

They both moaned shyly as he slowly began to accelerate his pace, each time slapping his bare skin against her buttocks − her lips placed soft, butterfly kisses on his bare shoulder and neck, her hands ran down his back and buttocks making his soaked cock pulsate impatiently deep inside her.

"− I've missed you −" She whispered, answered by his low sigh, his hand blindly finding her breast and squeezing it lightly, as if the sensation of that plump, soft structure under his fingers gave him a sense of security and reassured him.

"− me too −" He muttered so quietly that she barely heard him, a lazy smile filled with happiness spread across her face as she closed her eyes and let herself drift off.

When it was all over, her husband, all breathless and sweaty, laid his head on her womb, facing her, looking down at her belly, running the tips of his fingers over it as if he was thinking about what was hiding under her skin.

"− how did you find out? − are you absolutely sure? −" He whispered, as if doubts were beginning to invade him, as if he feared it was too beautiful to be true. She sighed quietly at his words, the smile never leaving her face.

"− I fainted and was examined by the maester − I am sure −"

At her words her uncle furrowed his brow, raising the gaze of his healthy eye at her, his sapphire shone dangerously in the sunlight.

"− you fainted? −"

"− yes − I despaired because I didn't know when or if I would see you again −" She mumbled in embarrassment, combing his long, snow-white hair with her fingers. He closed his eye and murmured contentedly, opening his eyelid again after a moment.

"− if you had only written to me − I would have flown to Dragonstone immediately −"

"− I was afraid my message would fall into the wrong hands − I didn't want to take the risk −"

Her husband hummed at her words.

"− wise girl −"

She smiled, letting him place a warm, moist kiss on the skin of her lower abdomen.

"− I have a gift for you −" He murmured, running his fingers over the hot skin of her stomach. She looked at him, surprised, her heart beating harder in excitement.

"What's it?" She asked, curious.

"I give Harrenhal into your possession. I hand it over to you in my letter, which I have already sent to King's Landing. The fortress is your property until your death. It will then fall as a inheritance to our offspring."

She blinked, twisting in her place, looking at him in disbelief. Seeing that he grinned, she covered her mouth and giggled like a little girl, unable to contain the joy and warmth that spread through her body.

"Do you mean it?" She mumbled, unable to believe that he could do such a thing without consulting his brother and mother.

That he had made this decision alone.

Her husband hummed under his breath, trailing his fingers from her lower abdomen to her chest making goosebumps appear in the places he ran over her bare skin.

"You are your father's daughter. This is your legacy." He replied, his wide hand stroking her belly with a tenderness from which shivers ran through her.

"And my brothers?" She muttered, reminding herself that, after all, her father, although she didn't know him very well, had sons too. Her uncle smirked at her in a way that was disturbing, to say the least.

"I don't give a shit about your brothers." He sneered, making her swallow hard, wrinkling her eyebrows but unable to hide the smile of amusement from which his face lit up.

"You're cruel." She mumbled, stroking his hand lying on her womb with her fingers, softening her words and their overtones in the process. Her husband snorted at her words.

"I am. I am a walking cruelty." He whispered maliciously before he lifted himself on his hands, moving towards her, leaning over her face − his tongue invaded deep between her lips with his hum as his mouth pressed against hers in a loud, sticky, messy kiss.

She squirmed as his fingers slid from her womb between her thighs, warningly beginning to tease and squeeze her sore bud, puffy from earlier caresses and fulfillments.

"− uncle −" She mewled weakly into his mouth, feeling the wonderful tickle in her lower abdomen again, tentatively parting her thighs apart, his half-hard erection slapping impatiently against her belly, demanding her attention.

"− I warned you −" He exhaled, shifting the weight of his body to his elbow, spreading her legs apart with his knee. "− open −"

She obeyed his command obediently and whimpered loudly with exertion as she felt him try to force his long, throbbing manhood into her again with the impatient thrust of his hips.

She threw her head back as he finally broke between her oversensitive, swollen walls, pulsing around him in panic, her short nails digging into the sweaty skin of his back as he began to sink into her again, panting with pleasure.

She felt her moisture mingled with his seed ran down her buttocks.

"− too much −" She mumbled out, moaning each time he teased the sore, swollen spot deep inside her again, trying to pull out of him at the same time and bucking her hips in response to his thrusts, feeling both the discomfort and the wonderful, tickling pleasure shaking her body.

"− shhh − I know − we'll take it slow − there's no reason to rush −" He whispered tenderly, placing comforting, soft, warm kisses on her face, leaning on one forearm, his other hand stroking her effort-warmed cheek, as if trying to give her reassurance.

"− I warned you − I warned you that I wouldn't pull it out of you today − didn't I? − is your husband lying? −" He cooed, as if he were speaking to a small, frightened child. She shook her head, struggling to fit him deep inside her again and again, feeling his thighs hit her buttocks with loud splats of their shared wetness.

"− n-no − no, husband −" She mumbled, looking up at him pleadingly, running her hand over his scarred cheek, her puffy lips parted in heavy breaths. He gasped with satisfaction at her words, pressing his forehead against hers, with slow, deep thrusts making his way to his next fulfilment.

"− just like that − let me do my duty to my wife − as many times − ah − as necessary −" He exhaled, quickening his pace, swollen and already completely hard deep inside her, slamming into her with greedy, sure thrusts from which she felt like she was losing touch with reality, the chamber around them, the bed she lay on seemed blurred to her, she could only smell his scent, only feel the strong grip of his hands.

"− g-gods, Aemond −’" She mumbled out, feeling the way his bare chest pressed against hers with his low groan of satisfaction, her nipples rubbing against his exposed skin with his every push making his cock pulsate aggressively inside her with pleasure, intensifying her sensation.

She gasped when she felt him grab her thigh and lift her leg higher, putting her knee on his shoulder, pulling her closer to him.

"− uncle, what are you − o-oh, fuck, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle −" She whined out, tilting her head back with her lips parted in disbelief, her eyes closed with her loud, shameless moans as she felt him like never before, his entire length pressing wonderfully against a place inside her with each of his thrusts, from which her body quivered all over with pleasure, writhing before him.

Nothing more than a babble and a plea left her lips as he watched her in awe, not slowing his pace, placing hot, sticky kisses on her knee, stroking her thigh with his wide hand, panting loudly along with her.

Something like a smirk of satisfaction flashed across his face as she threw her other leg over his shoulder on the other side of his head, his body leaning over her in such a way that she could in no way escape his brutal thrusts, which again and again teased the intensely oversensitive spot inside her.

"− I can't − I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, p-please −" She cried out, but her husband didn't stop, bringing her to a state where pleasure different than usual took her speechless − she felt a sudden, wonderful relief, her walls began to squeeze and suck him inside her, she heard him hiss quietly, clearly feeling what she was feeling.

He groaned low as he came a moment later, clenching his eye, panting hard and swallowing loudly as he looked down at the sheets beneath them, under which a huge wet spot had formed.

"− did I hurt you? or the baby? −" He exhaled horrified, thinking that perhaps she had miscarried due to his brutal treatment, however there was no blood after all. She shook her head, rising on her elbow, struggling to collect her thoughts, panting loudly, her body quivering all over.

"− no − b-but − this time − it was different − I mean − my fulfilment was different − and then I felt...this −" She muttered in shame, feeling that her whole buttocks were wet. Her uncle swallowed hard at her words, embarrassed, his lips tightened into a thin line as he looked at their sticky bodies.

"− I − I think I read about it − in one of the books −" He said uncertainly and grunted softly, sliding out of her gently with a click of their shared wetness. She hissed quietly, pulling away and noticed a large, colourless stain under her buttocks, as if someone had poured water there.

"− the maester wrote in it that a woman is also able to − well − come as well as a man if she is properly… teased inside −" He hummed, licking his lower lip involuntarily, looking at the stain beneath them as if he was proud of his achievement.

She raised her eyebrows in amusement and giggled involuntarily, feeling some kind of relief.

"− what kind of books do you read, uncle? − what would your mother and Ser Criston say? −" She sneered, smiling broadly. Her husband threw her a frustrated look, which however softened after a moment, his grimace turning into a mischievous smirk.

"− in the same book I also read about this position − after I became your husband I began to delve into the mysteries of these…sensations − what else can I do with you −" He murmured, running his index finger along her thigh, a glint of satisfaction and contentment in his eye from which she sighed heavily.

She leaned back and made herself comfortable on the bedding, shifting her body closer to him so that she wasn't lying on a wet spot. Her uncle leaned on his elbow, watching her intently in silence − they stared at each other for a moment, with only the rustle of leaves and birdsong outside the open window around them.

"− I'd like to rest now −" She muttered, running her knuckles over his bare chest. Her husband hummed quietly under his breath and nodded, his broad hand stroking her head.

"− sleep − rest after the journey −" He murmured, combing his fingers through her hair the way he had when they were children. She closed her eyes and purred softly when she felt him lay his head beside her, his gaze on her face, his warm breath enveloping her cheek as his free hand covered their naked bodies with warm furs.

"− do not fret − your husband is by your side now −"

_____

Author note: Those who were to know know. I promised you, didn't I? Hehehe. 👀👀👀👀👀

[vampykween]

Second Chances (part 2)

summary: little poppy is simon riley’s entire world and you’ve just had yours turned completely upside down. despite everything, it seems like everything falls into place when you’re with each other. cw: mentions of character death a/n: i wanted to dive into Simon and Poppy's backstory with this part so reader isn't really present in this but, i felt like it was important to establish some backstory ☻ this slightly proofread, but forgive me if there are any mistakes wc: 1789 part 1

Although his face doesn't show it, Simon is thrilled listening to Poppy talk his ear off on the walk home from school. He wouldn't dare admit he spent the whole day busying himself with household tasks to keep his mind from wandering to his little girl. As soon as they cross the threshold of their home Poppy is off like a shot, shrugging off her backpack and kicking off her black mary janes. Simon sighs fondly, hangs her backpack up on its hook, and deposits her shoes in their rightful spot on the shoe rack. One day he’ll get her to do it herself, but for now, he’s content with trailing after her and picking up every little thing she drops if it means she’ll always stay this young and innocent. 

When he rounds the corner he’s met with the sight of Poppy scribbling on a large sheet of paper - her brand new box of crayons strewn across the living room table - and the sound of her favorite cartoon; which Simon finds mind-numbing but he grins and watches with her when she asks because he’ll be damned if he doesn't make her feel like the things she likes aren’t important to him. 

“Whatcha working on there, lovie?” Simon asks with genuine curiosity, he hadn't expected her to come home with any work to do already. The young girl gestures to her crafts, “We’re making family trees at school, I’m a little bit stuck though daddy, I don't know who to put on the tree.” She pouts at him from her spot on the floor and Simon is hit with a wave of grief for the life his daughter could’ve had. 

Six years ago 

“Oh my god, Simon, are you even listening to me?!” Amelia snapped in Simon’s face as he zoned out on the couch. His body was firmly planted in their living room, but his mind wasn't. Pregnant. The word bounced around his brain like a pinball machine, he’s suddenly brought back to the present at the sound of his girlfriend's sobbing. 

“God, I'm right in front of you and it’s like we're not even in the same room. I beg you time and time again to just be present with me, and you act like it’s so fucking hard.” Amelia hiccups and frustratedly wipes at her eyes, “if you don't want this tell me now, cause it’s hard enough feeling like you don't even love me, I can't imagine handling you not loving our child either.” 

Simon turns sharply in her direction at her admission, he knows it’s rocky between them he’s no idiot, but to hear her say that he doesn’t love her, or wouldn't love their child fucking tears him up. He takes her hands in his, and tugs gently until she meets his eyes. 

“Em, you have to know that I do love you, and hell I’m scared out of my mind right now, but god please don’t think for a second that I wouldn't love our child.” He pulls her into his arms and strokes her hair gently until her cries subside. 

“I'm so scared Simon, you and I are not okay. What if that never changes?” Amelia asks somberly. She couldn't remember the last time she wasn't griping at Simon for something, or Simon giving her the silent treatment and storming off for hours at a time. She knew a baby wouldn't change that, hell it had been five years already and they still weren’t married. The wishful part of her hoped that Simon would say that he was going to change for good and that they would fix their relationship and become a happy family. 

“We’ll figure it out, I promise yeah?” Simon had a way of looking at her like she was his world and for just a moment Amelia believed that everything would be okay. 

~ 

Unsurprisingly things were not okay, Amelia woke in the middle of the night grasping her large bump in pain. She regrets her decision to make Simon sleep in the guest bedroom because now her options are to attempt to waddle and wake up her boyfriend? Baby daddy? Things were tense and she wasn't sure what they were anymore. The months she’s spent growing their little bundle of joy have been hellish; being pregnant exacerbated Amelia’s growing disdain for Simon and made every transgression seem far worse than ever before. 

“God, Em, just let me do it. I don't need you hurting yourself.” 

“Piss off Simon, I'm not a baby. I can handle building a crib by myself.” 

Simon rolls his eyes but doesn't move from his spot in the doorway. Pretty much any conversation with his girlfriend was an argument waiting to happen. They both swore they would make it work, but it seemed like the longer time went on the more they were at each other’s throats. 

Amelia braves the idea of trying to make it to Simon’s room when a contraction subsides. She trudged down the hallway to his room and pushed on his shoulder roughly to rouse him. 

“Simon. Simon, wake up.” 

“What do ya want,” he questions groggily, still half asleep. 

“The baby’s fucking coming, get up. I'm dying in pain over here.” 

He shoots up at her words, panic settling into his bones as he realizes that this is it. They were about to come home with a baby, they were seriously going to be parents. He smiles brightly at her in the dark room, only slightly lit by the moonlight because Simon still hadn't put up the curtains she asked him to. Amelia wanted to tell him to wipe the stupid grin off his face because she was pissy and in excruciating pain, but a part of her couldn't help but smile too. Maybe they would come home with their little bundle of joy and everything would be different. 

~

The sound of small cries fills the hospital room and Simon is sure he’s never cried so hard in his life. 

“Congratulations, it’s a girl,” the nurse says as she lays the tiny baby on Amelia's chest. She smiles down at their little girl, but it’s wobbly and the color is rapidly draining from her face. Before he could have a second to even bask in, what he’s sure is the best moment of his life, the sound of machines beeping erratically and the flurry of nurses surrounding Amelia has him paralyzed with fear. 

~ 

The sterile smell of the hospital was burning his nostrils with every shaky breath he inhaled. They kept saying something about Amelia losing too much blood and that they needed to act fast and a million other things, but it felt as if his ears were filled with cotton and his head was trapped underwater. Simon’s heart was beating like a hummingbird trapped in a cage; he couldn't handle losing another person he loved. Why was it that everyone around him seemed to be viciously ripped from him? 

Poppy, the name they had decided on just a few short days ago, was on the verge of having no mother and a grief-addled skeleton for a father. His lungs couldn’t hold enough air and suddenly he felt dizzy, he thought for a moment about what it would be like to let this day be his end too. But he then thought of his little girl growing up, traumatized from being abandoned as soon as she entered the world. Simon was not a man made of tears, but he found himself shedding them freely in the cold, hard hospital chairs as he waited to see if his entire world was about to come crashing down. He chides himself for all the arguments they had had recently, he can't even remember the last time he told Em that he loved her. He did love her, even if he wasn't able to love her the way she so desperately wanted him to. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, a doctor comes out where he’s sat, and he feels his throat constrict at the look on her face. 

“Mr. Riley, we did everything we could…” 

Whatever she says after doesn't even register because he feels like the room is spinning and he can't breathe and he's going to die he’s sure of it. What did he do to deserve the cards he had been dealt? How was he supposed to go home and take care of his daughter and act like he didn't have to plan on how he was going to bury her mother?

 Simon is hit with flashes of the future of all these he knows nothing about like periods, relationships, and all the things a little girl wants her mother for. 

At that very moment, Simon had nothing but Poppy. He wanted to lock himself in his home and never face the light of day again, but he knew that for her, he needed to be her everything. And that meant, trudging through every painful, sinister day so she never feels anything short of loved irrevocably. 

~ 

The shrill sound of Poppy crying has been Simon’s soundtrack for the better part of the day now. As if the small infant knows he’s inadequate, and most definitely not her mother, she wails loudly no matter what he does to soothe her. 

Amelia would know what to do, she was always the type to have her nose buried in parenting books, and if Simon even had a moment's peace maybe he’d pick one up. That unfortunately meant going into her bedroom, not even their bed because they had been fighting and sleeping in separate rooms right before their daughter was born. The door at the end of the hall has been closed since he got home from the hospital a week ago. Every time he thinks he’s ready to brave the room, his stomach twists in knots so tight he has to remind himself he’s okay and that he’s alive. 

Simon rocks his newborn gently in his arms as he sinks into the couch, sighing at the way he can still smell a hint of her mother’s perfume. He’d give anything to have Amelia ripping into him right now, just to hear the sound of her voice. 

He looks down at Poppy, who magically has granted him a reprieve from her sobs, and smiles softly at her. “You look just like your mother, ya know that? You’ve got a bit of my ugly mug in there too, but your eyes? That’s all her.” The baby blinks up at him and Simon leans down and kisses the crown of her head gently. “It’s just gonna be you and I kid, but I promise I'll do my very best with ya.” 

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[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

Horrorswap Sans & Papyrus character sheets (Updated version)

NUGGET (Horrorswap Sans)

Backstory: After Chara left the Underground, killing Toriel on the way out, Nugget felt immensely betrayed, taking responsibility for what happened despite his brother telling him not to do it. He should have listened. After a short period of calm, Alphys took over the Underground and immediately turned everyone against him, pleading that he should be the one to resolve the situation since he caused it in the first place. Nugget had been shocked to hear his supposed best friend talk against him so suddenly and had to accept against his will to become her right arm, to help find a way out. First happy to help, Nugget quickly realized Alphys was no longer his friend. Full of grief and remorse, she thinks he's fully responsible for the death of her mentor and never stops to remind him of this fact.

Then the famine happened and everything turned even worse. Nugget silently witnessed Alphys' terrible management of the situation while trying to help his brother, stuck in Snowdin, to survive the best he could, in New Home, as he was forbidden to leave. With the lack of food, Alphys turned paranoid and started to accuse him of not being loyal enough and hiding things from her to the point she decided one day to throw his brother in prison, to make sure Nugget wouldn't try something stupid.

As time passed, Nugget was promoted to executioner. He was the one who killed every human who fell, both to prove to Alphys that he was not on the human side and by fear of her hurting his brother. He hated every second of the situation, as he clearly was no killer. Another problem was the LV intoxication that slowly ate his soul and made him distance more and more from what he was doing and from his own personality. Nugget fell into depression, grew colder, and barely talked anymore. He tried to rebel a few times, but Alphys immediately made his brother pay for his actions, so he resigned to stay enslaved to her.

Eventually, he decided to protect himself by giving up on his brother and considering him dead. Alphys refused to let him see him anyway, so for all he knew, Pumpkin was long gone. Threats stopped acting on him, and frustrated, Alphys kept torturing his brother for many years.

Everything changed when another human fell. Nugget killed them. A few times. Somehow, they always came back, like Chara. Forced to not kill them, he tried to bring them to Alphys, but on the road, the kid tried to befriend them. First very cold, Nugget slowly warmed up to them, to the point that, when they reached Alphys, he couldn't resign to let them die. With the help of the child, they defeated Alphys. Nugget could have spared her in the end, but he was too angry and bitter for that. He ended her life, not feeling happy about this issue, but not sad either. The child did the rest, breaking the barrier with the souls they collected so far.

Nugget then faced the consequences when he went to free his brother. Pumpkin was unrecognizable, completely broken, and scared of him. Things were never the same after that. His brother could never forgive him for giving up on him, and he couldn't either. It seemed the brothers have nothing in common anymore, and even if Nugget tried, he could tell there were too many things keeping them apart by now. They live separately now, Pumpkin with Asgore, and him on his own. It's better this way. They see each other once a year for Gyftmas, but that's always very awkward. He hopes their relationship will be better someday, but that's probably denial.

Personality: Active - Adventurous - Athletic - Calm - Disciplined - Discreet - Fair - Gentle - Honest - Loyal - Objective - Observant - Organized - Persuasive - Protective - Realistic - Strong - Complex - Earthy - Neutral - Reserved - Sarcastic - Stubborn - Asocial - Cold - Cowardly - Fatalistic - Grim - Insecure - Paranoid - Regretful - Secretive - Unstable.

Job: Farmer.

Hobbies: Knitting, jogging, gardening, puzzles, cooking.

Loves: Peaceful activities, alone time, having time to do things at his pace, good food, long trips in places he doesn't know, animals, the farm, decorating the house, pretty flowers, stargazing.

Hates: People still calling him Blue, seeing how his brother is healing better without him, crowds, crows in his fields, being pressured to do things he doesn't want to do, looking after children or animals, being dependent on someone, getting bullied by other monsters for what he did Underground, his scars, people touching him without his consent.

The S/O of his dream: Someone who can understand he's not going to be nice every day and who understands his boundaries. He doesn't trust easily, but he is very loyal.

Dealbreakers: Not respecting his boundaries, trying to boss him around, pressuring him to do things.

Contacts :

Family: Pumpkin

Best friends: HT Toriel

Close friends: UT Toriel, Oak, Willow, Copper, Chief, Sam, Ben, Delta, Dune, Killer

Friends: Sans, Papyrus, Blue, Red, Coffee, Moon, Error

OK/Neutral: UT Mettaton, UT Grillby, UT Muffet, UT Burgerpants, UT Gerson, UF Grillby, Nox, Rus, Wine, Sun, Rambo, Salsa, Rumba, Tango

Would better avoid: UT Asgore, UT Frisk, UT Chara, UT Gaster, Honey, US Undyne, Edge, Pumpkin, Demon, Creeper, Fang, Ink

Absolutely hates: UT Undyne, UT Alphys, UT Flowey/Asriel, UF Undyne, UF Alphys, US Alphys, Torpedo

______________________________________________

PUMPKIN (Horrorswap Papyrus)

Backstory: Pumpkin had a really bad time Underground and suffered the consequences of Alphys and his brother's war. First, he had to face the crisis all alone, as his brother had to work for Alphys and was never home after he had the brilliant idea to tell Alphys it was his fault if Chara killed Toriel and left. Added to that, he had to help Asgore in the Ruins, as Alphys badly injured him when she exiled him. He cares a lot about his best friend, who was there for him through everything and he hates seeing him so down after he tried so hard to bring peace to the Underground.

When the famine struck, Pumpkin struggled a lot to find food. Being naturally kind and empathetic, he had a bad habit of giving what he found to children in the streets because he couldn't bear to watch them die of starvation. Until that day when he was talking with Asgore through the Ruins' door and the royal guard suddenly showed up, saying he was under arrest. Asgore tried to talk in his favor, but the guards became threatening and Pumpkin didn't want the old king to be killed because of him so he surrendered. Worst mistake of his life.

He quickly found out he was here to stay, after days of imprisonment. It wasn't so bad at first, but then Alphys clearly became unstable and regularly came to visit him to empty her bag, first only by talking, but really soon with her fists. He became basically her punching bag. Every time something bothered her, she came to hit him. Pumpkin took it pretty well at first, but then she broke his leg and the pain became too much. He stopped counting the hits, just falling into some sort of numb state, completely dissociating every time she showed up.

What hurt the most was that his brother was just standing there the first few times, doing nothing despite Pumpkin crying for his help. And then he stopped to come completely, giving up on him. Pumpkin suffered five long years in this horrible cell, completely isolated from the world, unable to talk to anyone, and finally unable to talk at all as Alphys broke his inferior jaw in one fit of rage. Pumpkin thought it was over for him, as the pain was so intense he kept passing out, but also because he couldn't even eat or drink in his state.

As he gave up completely, the door opened a few days later on his brother, suddenly acting like he was saved. But Pumpkin didn't want his help. In fact, he didn't want anything to do with him, completely traumatized and broken. He even refused to leave his cell, scared of what was waiting for him outside. Asgore is the only one who managed to gain his trust, horrified by what happened to him. Very patient, the old man stayed with him in his cell for weeks, simply helping him to feed and healing him, until he convinced Pumpkin to leave the Underground, as the Barrier broke almost two months ago already.

As Pumpkin decided to see his brother again, he accidentally learned from other monsters that Nugget waited almost a week after the Barrier broke and Alphys was killed to actually come to see if he was still alive. Pumpkin is angry, and heartbroken, not understanding why. He tried to talk to his brother, numerous times, but Nugget never apologized for his actions, and Pumpkin never forgave him. Unfortunately, he's also very empathetic and couldn't stay mad eternally. But it seems the brothers don't get along anymore. Nugget is still stuck in the past, while Pumpkin is desperate to move forward, despite the scars that will never fully heal. He can't talk anymore, he's limping because his legs couldn't be fixed properly and his list of traumas and panic triggers is as high as Mount Ebott. But he can only improve from there so he stays optimistic!

Personality: Accessible - Benevolent - Calm - Caring - Charismatic - Curious - Dependent - Empathetic - Forgiving - Friendly - Funny - Gentle - Kind - Observant - Open minded - Patient - Peaceful - Perceptive - Prudent - Reliable - Romantic - Sensitive - Spontaneous - Sweet - Tolerant - Trusting - Uncomplaining - Dreamy - Placid - Anxious - Cautious - Clumsy - Demanding - Difficult - Fearful - Insecure - Paranoid - Procrastinating - Resentful - Shy - Vulnerable

Job: Not ready to work yet, occasionally works on the farm with the Horrortale brothers.

Hobbies: Drawing, writing, wandering outside, taking care of the animals, gardening, spending time with Asgore, clinging to Chief, counting the birds outside

Loves: Spending time with his friends, being useful, reading, when people know how to sign, friendly people, his service dogs, the food he's not supposed to eat, watching TV, watering the flowers, cooking with friends, being told he's improving, long cuddle sessions on the couch.

Hates: People ignoring him because he can't talk, seeing his friends hurting, loud noises, people screaming, thunderstorms, being screamed at, people mocking him when he's in a middle of a panic attack, people pretending not seeing when he's freaking out, when his jaw hurts, the bad days, his brother pretending nothing happened.

The S/O of his dream: Someone who gives him time to adjust and tries to understand what he went through. Someone patient, kind, and not judgemental.

Dealbreaker: Using his traumas against him, triggering him on purpose, being mean to his friends.

Contacts :

Family: Nugget

Adopted family: Oak, Willow, Copper, Chief, Sam, Ben

Best friends: Chief, Delta

Close friends: UT Asgore, Blue, Honey, US Undyne, Red, Rus, Coffee, Dune, Killer

Friends : Sans, Papyrus, UT Toriel, UT Grillby, UT Muffet, UT Flowey/Asriel, UT Gerson, Edge, HT Toriel, Moon, Sun, Rambo, Fang, Error,

OK/Neutral: UT Mettaton, UT Burgerpants, UF Grillby, Nox, Wine, Salsa, Rumba,

Would better avoid: UT Undyne, UT Alphys, UT Frisk, UT Chara, UT Gaster, UF Undyne, Tango, Demon, Creeper, Ink,

Absolutely hates: UF Alphys, US Alphys, Torpedo

[lime202]

Songs that reminded me of KNY dynamics and possible writing prompts, PT1

If anyone is interested in taking any songfic opportunities, here you go!

This post has manga spoilers. And, all of these prompts are angst, whoops. (This list is not limited to romantic dynamics, either—just dynamics that are interesting to touch on.)

Hakuji x Koyuki — "Stay Close" by SYML (Hakuji-centric)

"I know mourning is mourning and we heal differently / Right now it’s all I see" (Describes Hakuji falling back into his habits of violence after losing loved ones, with mourning being "all [he sees]" instead of finding true peace.)

"I want to keep you forever my love" (He says after her marriage proposal, and says once again as her pulse slows until it's nothing under his fingers.)

"I need somebody to save me" (Koyuki saved Hakuji from a life of ruthless violence, while Hakuji saved Koyuki from a life of loneliness and sickness.)

"If there’s no cure and there’s no medicine / Do we count the days until the end?" (No cure for the poison, no medicine for his father, and life is seeming to become more colorless and bleak.

Counting was the only thing Hakuji learned with his lack of education: the days left, money needed, grams of medicine needed, rations of food, punches thrown, hairpins needed to keep up his lover's hair...)

This song (literally all the lyrics, but I can't fit all of them in here) can also be applied to most of Hakuji's relationships, considering how tragic his past is.

Giyuu x Shinobu — "Take me Apart" by SYML (Giyuu-centric)

"Looking to start a war" (referring to the war of Humankind/Demon Corps vs Demons) "Wondering how it ends"

"I'm lucky he was a friend" (It's the only sentence that Giyuu can fully say about Sabito when confiding in Shinobu. She understands. As a slayer, she is someone who truly understands.)

"Take me apart and I'll flow like water" (A part of Giyuu's internal monologue, thinking about Shinobu's curiosity of him and her eagerness to pick him apart, while also insinuating his forced disconnect from the past and how he "floats above himself.")

These lyrics can apply to the canon also. They fit for a hypothetical scene about the aftermath of the war and Giyuu's perspective on being a survivor and the majority of the Corps' deaths.

Ruka x Shinjuro — "Lost On You" by LP (Shinjuro-centric)

"Burnin' like embers, falling tender / Long before the days of no surrender years ago" (The disease was prolonged, reducing his lover to a dying bonfire. Shinjuro knew what would happen, his children knew, and he could only hope that it wasn't as painful for Ruka to know as it was for him.

He knew he would never surrender to demon, but he couldn't have prepared for such a human circumstance to make him surrender his title as a Hashira.)

"So smoke 'em if you got 'em 'cause it's going down / All I ever wanted was you" (Her willpower remained strong and fiery until the end, but his own was made into a rapidly thinning smoke.)

"I'll never get to heaven 'cause I don't know how / Let's raise a glass or two" (His grief only came out as aggression. The way he treated his, her children was unworthy of forgiveness. Before he knew it, a few moderate glasses of sake increased to the whole bottle.)

My interpretation slightly deviates from the more accurate meaning of the song, but it still captures Shinjuro's full awareness of the inevitability of his wife's death and "end" of their relationship.

Kyojuro & Senjuro — "I Feel It in the Wind" by Smith & Thell (Switching perspectives)

"If you can find a drop in a drying sea / You'll find light in the darkest creeks" (Kyojuro always supplies his baby brother with happy words, acting as the source of light for their mostly dark, empty home.)

"You told me / I feel it in the wind my dear / The sun is gonna reappear / Good days are gonna come along / Hold on" (Hold on a little longer, is what Kyojuro used to say to Senjuro during harder times. The same words fall from Senjuro's lips as he weeps over Kyojuro, who lies overwhelmingly silent with endless injuries.)

"I feel it coming, the tide is turning / I feel it coming, you just got to wait and believe" (The tide is turning against the demons, they will surely meet their downfall, and you will live without needing to encounter any, Kyojuro insists, to both himself, and his brother weeping over him.)

This song wholly embraces the dynamic of Kyojuro always feeding Senjuro optimism during disheartening moments. Senjuro remembers every word, because any one could be his last.

Genya & Sanemi — "Once in A Dream" by In the City (Sanemi-centric)

"I can't stop, I can't break, I carry the weight for you" (The Hashira can't stop until the last of his family is able to live in a world free of demons. The weight of being made into a demon-killing machine is nothing.)

"It’s the loneliest road, road I know, I know, I know" (Sanemi knows this most of all as he pushes Genya away, but Genya dying to demon because of him would be even lonelier. It is lonelier, he finds out.)

"When I’m awake, I hide all our chains so you aren’t afraid" (The older brother pretends, has been pretending ever since they were little, that Genya had nothing to be afraid of as long as he was there.

His promise of protection used to mean that they would always stay together. Now—knowing his blood attracts demons left and right—it meant that he had to act more like their father to get Genya away from danger; if Sanemi was the scariest thing there was, then anywhere away from him would seem safer, because it was safer.)

I know you expected "Brother" by Kodaline for the Shinazugawa brothers... open books, all of you. (My fingers still ache from restraining myself from typing and using that song.)

[ikamigami]

What gets me is that both Sun and Earth acknowledge how kind New Moon and they used to be, that he and Earth were super close to the point of sharing their deepest thoughts with one another, Sun had said to New Moon "I liked you more than the old you", it wasn't about New Moon being smarter or stronger than Old Moon, that didn't matter to Earth or Sun, they were okay if New Moon couldn't bring back Solar, they were okay with New Moon 'not measuring up to the old him', even now New Moon is their brother, not in a transactional way but in a real, close way, he a really good brother and just a kind person even when he got angry or messy! That's it too, New Moon could get angry or reckless before, that isn't the problem here, the problem was he decided to "snap", and its one thing to be really messy with grief and say some not great things, this episode made it clear the insults weren't the big problem, though I should also point out that if you start lashing out to hurt people on purpose, cutting ties with them like that, then why would you not expect consequences? And it's not like Sun and Earth disowned him, they didn't, but their trust in him was broken by what he said, because he went beyond insults and instead chose what he knew hurt them both the most and meant it, you don't get to do that, betray someone like that, and then walk away expecting your relationship with someone to be exactly the same, not without working to fix it, which he hasn't so far But either way the big problem was New Moon going further than Old Moon in the sense of actually attempting to kill a family member willingly, Old Moon was terrible, but the closest he ever got to murdering one of his siblings on purpose was punching Sun in the face or verbally threatening to "unplug him", which was still very messed up mind you but New Moon took it several steps further, it wasn't an accident like "oh I didn't know you were in here", or a "I am doing this but I will give you time to get out", he told her he doesn't care about her right before doing it and would've killed her if the blast wasn't stopped and everybody knows that and is not okay with it, rightfully so, grief is not a justification to attempt to willingly murder innocent people, especially ones own family who you claimed to love so much, I do not could Ruin or Bloodmoon because they aren't innocent, if it was just them in the room there wouldn't be a problem here, and if New Moon did that because "he feels they disowned him", they made it clear they didn't, I don't even think New Moon in his moments of reflection he actually said "they abandoned me", and isn't it just as bad that you betray someone close to you and they express they are hurt and that your relationship will be different going forwards, but they're still there, and your response is effectively "welp I don't care if you die now, get out of my way"? And even then both of them are still conflicted, Earth is still very angry but as she said she still can't fully just cut ties, and Sun is even more hesitant, and yeah, them going "Forgiving them depends on if the apology was actually sincere" and even then if they didn't forgive him for going that far that would be valid considering the severity, if it is revealed there was a corrupting influence that would help New Moon's case, but he still made bad choices he needs to answer for, even a part of his conscience knew it was all wrong but he chose to do it anyway

100% true! All of this! Everything you said is exactly true and right!

They still care and can't fully stop caring about New Moon. But they have every right to feel betrayed and hurt and to not want to forgive him. But like you said they are thinking about the option of forgiving him because they loved him and I think that they still do cause emotions are a funny thing which is hard to control and even if they may say "we don't care about him and we don't love him anymore". That love and care is still there in their hearts. And this is also why it hurts so much. This is why New Moon's betrayal hurts so much.

And you're right that virus or not New Moon still has to be hold accountable for his actions and he needs to show regret and apologize and even maybe he should do something to show that he means that. And also like you said Sun and Earth saw New Moon as brother. Sun liked New Moon more than Old Moon as his brother. They don't care if his smarter if he can do and fix everything. Like you said they don't care about it. I agree with everything you said here, dear anon.

Thank you for this long message because you addressed everything, every little and important detail and I think that it's very needed for everyone in this fandom to see. Thank you ^^

[pyropsychiccollector]

Ace Attorney: IF (... Part 5)

To briefly give some background, Mia Fey used to work at the Grossberg Law Offices. Marvin Grossberg was an old friend of her mother, and Mia was grateful for the starting off point in her career as a lawyer. ... But even if Marvin helped her out of a sense of obligation to the Fey's, Mia was not blind. The old man carried a great deal of guilt that only compounded over the years.

And why wouldn't he feel guilty? Fifteen years ago, the police tried contracting the services of a medium to channel a victim to unearth the truth of an otherwise unsolvable murder. They kept the medium's identity anonymous and kept the whole affair a secret, and yet the media found out about it. Why? Because someone sold out the medium, giving the information to someone that in turn sold it to the media outlets and profited a great deal from the humiliation and ruination of the Fey's.

Marvin was promised a great deal of power and wealth for leaking that information... And instead, a noose was tied around his neck and he was blackmailed into serving the man who tempted him. Mia learned about this betrayal through her independent investigations, and while she would never quite forgive Marvin for causing her mother and family a great deal of grief, for her mother going into hiding from the public... The fact remains Marvin was a friend of her mother's, and he had given her the chance to become a lawyer. Marvin made a mistake, and he was still paying for that mistake like a great many people were. Mia was dedicated to bringing down the man that blackmailed Marvin, and that was a tall order because of how powerful the man had gotten in 15 years.

She studied and worked diligently under Grossberg Law Offices for a couple of years... And then she spread her wings to form her own law firm. Of course Diego came along for the ride, letting his little Kitten handle all the managerial headaches. This was Mia's dream, and she was blossoming into a fine lawyer~...

And yet... (人◕ω◕) Diego knew full well the man that his Kitten was pursuing. He was a dangerous man, one that toyed with the police, the courts... All because he had them in his pocket, whether through bribery or blackmail. His "network" dug up any corrupt dealings of anyone that was anyone, and then the man used that information to his advantage.

It was a risky venture to go after a man like Redd White... But Diego supported his Kitten. Because Mia had no dirty laundry that White could use against her. His Kitten couldn't be bought. She wouldn't be scared away from this investigation. It was heartwarming and alarming at the same time how driven Mia was to bring White down... They would need to be careful, but Diego was rather confident in their eventual success. No one else had the guts to even try. ... Even Edgeworth Law Offices was wary of Blue Corp. They might've been conducting their own investigations in secret, but they weren't telling Fey and Co. Law Offices anything on that front...

They sorely underestimated their opponent. White was sick and tired of Mia's snooping, so he resolved to make an example out of her. The man plotted to kill Mia while she was meeting up with her sister... But to his chagrin, the kid showed up for the meeting first; Mia was running late.

... Not that Redd White cared all that much... (人◕ω◕);;; Setting Mia up for murder would get rid of her just as well. He already absconded with all the dirt she dug up on him, what little actually hurt him, so killing Maya and arranging for Miss April May to catch Mia discovering the body was a pathetically easy task.

White was so certain of his victory. (人◕ω◕) Mia was devastated, Diego livid, and the police acted quickly to arrest Miss Fey as they were supposed to. Diego wasn't in a place to defend Mia in court as he was considered a suspect in the murder, too. That was the police's unfortunate stance.

But that's alright. (人◕ω◕) There's more than one law firm in this city, and not all of them are in White's pocket or too scared to move against him. Diego was shocked Ray Shields responded so quickly, never imagining their senior was keeping an eye on the situation. After having nothing to say about Blue Corp for months, Diego figured Edgeworth Law Offices would stay far away from this case.

No, Ray isn't that heartless. (人◕ω◕) To be honest, Diego wasn't wrong about his assessment. Ray was pretty leery of Blue Corp. He knew full well that Mia was poking around some freaking dangerous bigshots, Redd White gave Ray the heebie-jeebies. (人◕ω◕) His caution came out of a sense of keeping a promise to Gregory to keep the law firm alive; if he tried making big moves against White, he just knew Miles or Sebastian would get targeted.

Which... sucks because that very thing happened to Mia and her sister. ...... (人◕ω◕) Ray knows it's inexcusable that he didn't form a united front before now. He allowed Mia to get in over her head, and it was Maya who paid the price. Ray knows nothing will ever make up for allowing someone else to suffer the tragedy he did in losing Gregory... But he's willing to defend Mia to the last, and just maybe take Redd White out if they're lucky. (人◕ω◕)

Mia doesn't blame Ray for what happened. He didn't murder Maya in cold blood, and she even remembers Ray cautioning her a few times... albeit in his quirky, "is he joking?" manner. Diego is similarly sober and grateful that Ray is here for them now... The coffee aficionado feels more culpable for what happened to Maya because he felt looking after the sisters was his responsibility. (人◕ω◕) ... But Ray acknowledges they could've been working together before now, so the man acknowledges his failings. He's here now, and Mia and Diego are willing to let Ray handle their defense.

... Even if Ray's teenage ward/assistant doesn't instill the most confidence... (人◕ω◕);;; Sebastian is better than he would've been, in another timeline. He's not nearly as confused with words, and he's nowhere near as arrogant... But Sebastian is... excitable. (人◕ω◕);;; Hardly knows anything about law, yet he wants to help his dad with an important case like this. Because it'd make him cool and give him something to brag about at school.

.......... Not the most idealistic reasons to defend somebody, but Sebastian's heart is in the right place. ... Sort of. (人◕ω◕);;; He is just a 15-year-old. What did you expect?

Ray knows what he's doing, and he was young like Sebastian once. (人◕ω◕) The kid hasn't even picked up his paper-eating habits! That's something, yeah? (人◕ω◕)

Regardless, they have Mia and Diego's blessing to handle the investigation. Miles had his hands full with another case, so they would have to handle this one on their own. Not the easiest task when the police are so dismissive and cold. But Ray expected no less when Redd White was at the center of this circus. (人◕ω◕)

They get a small break when the lead detective takes pity on them. (人◕ω◕) Manfred found Redd White irritating, but knew that he had to obey the man in some capacity because a few ingrates in his office were in the man's employ... But he wasn't about to assign his daughter to this case, or handle it himself. No, he'd get the blue monkey to take care of it. Manfred held no expectations for Phoenix Wright, and if he upset Redd White... Oh well. (人◕ω◕) That's why Calisto was in charge of the initial investigation.

By now, Calisto adapted to her new life. (人◕ω◕) Alba and Coachen were dealt with, and Interpol was chasing down the remnants of the smuggling ring. She didn't have a lot to fear these days in spite of how imposing that ring used to be. (人◕ω◕) This wasn't her ideal life or anything… But Calisto was used to plodding along, dealing with disappointment, and she could have far worse bosses than Badd. The Chief of Police was one example. Calisto knew her kind, and Damon Gant was… Well. He was eerily similar to Alba. (人◕ω◕)

But did Calisto inform Badd of her misgivings? You bet your sweet ass she did. (人◕ω◕) If there was departmental rotting, Calisto wasn't going to jeopardize her new life by keeping quiet because it was too troublesome. Badd would chew her out for not saying anything, and he might think she was keeping other dark secrets and watch her like a hawk… Thankfully, Badd was aware of Gant giving off such vibes and was keeping an eye out already. But he was grateful for Calisto's transparency. Proved that despite the attitude she would have at times, Calisto was genuinely on their side… Or Badd and Faraday's side, at any rate. Everyone else…ehhh, they were working on it. (人◕ω◕)

No one could deny Calisto did her job as an investigator. (人◕ω◕) She knew from the minute that she was assigned to the Fey murder case that Blue Corp's mitts were all over this. The police had orders from up top (not from Gant, but from pretty up the ladder) to handle this as quickly as possible and ensure everything pointed to Mia. (人◕ω◕) Calisto wasn't an idiot. She knew this was a frame-up. And since Badd was busy with other matters, it fell to her to conduct a proper, thorough investigation. Not that she could just tell the defense they were after the same thing. (人◕ω◕) Calisto did have her orders, and she at least had to give the impression she was following them; any officers reporting to White would definitely be dealt with after this case. (人◕ω◕)

But in the meantime… She could be genuine in her deadpan behavior over Shields debasing himself to be granted rights to investigate. (人◕ω◕) The man had no pride, begging and pleading… Offering sweets… And those damn hugs he kept offering were pissing her off. (人◕ω◕)*** Eventually she shared a bit with him. Pointed him in the right direction of where to look without outright saying it. By the end, Calisto is pretty sure Ray at least had an inkling she wasn't like the other bullheaded officers. Finding good help was so hard these days. (人◕ω◕)

Being assigned to work with Phoenix Wright was… Calisto was gonna be honest, she still thought Badd was screwing with her. (人◕ω◕) He wasn't a bad guy, but even with that Von Karma diva whipping him into shape, Wright still had a long way to go as a prosecutor. Calisto could somewhat respect his drive to pursue the truth… But the bonehead missed the point that prosecutors were supposed to DOUBT others. He was way too chill with just assuming an arrest was made erroneously. (人◕ω◕) In the end, though, Calisto was assigned to the big lug. As annoying as it was to screw his head on straight for the most simple tasks, Wright did listen to and trusted her. Not a whole lot of people were willing to do even that much after hearing about her past. And of course Wright was briefed on that. It's not that Wright didn't care what she used to be; he cares more about what she was now, if she had "learned" to be a better person…

Calisto didn't much like how condescending that made Wright sound… But after a few weeks, she got the gist of the kind of man he was. Wright always wore his heart on his sleeve, and he had this bizarre faith in people intermingled with his strong sense of justice. He was…a character. But Calisto could work with this. There were far worse prosecutors she could have been working with. God help her, she probably would have locked that Von Karma diva in a broom closet from their first day together. (人◕ω◕) Wright was a big, strong, idiot of a man, but he LISTENED to Calisto and actually asked to hear her assessments. On both cases and people. (人���ω◕) He didn't agree with everything she said, but that cut both ways so it was fair.

… He was also amusing to mess with. Not as cliff-faced as Edgeworth, nowhere near actually, but when he reacted to things he did not disappoint. (人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)

All of that said, Calisto and Phoenix were pretty sure how this case SHOULD go, but they needed to keep up appearances so Calisto made sure to have a good, long strategy session so Wright wouldn't embarrass himself in the trial. (人◕ω◕) She needed Wright to carry himself better than that lecherous, lazy attorney. She would not stand to be the only sane, rational person in that courtroom. (人◕ω◕)***

Well, it goes about as well as any of them could hope. The judge was clearly pressured to declare Mia guilty, but the defense accumulated enough evidence and testimony to point the finger at Redd White, who of course did everything to dodge and pressure Phoenix to stop giving the defense chances to counterattack. Not that Phoenix listened, but you know, the miserly, power-crazed CEO tried. (人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕) Having the knowledge she did, Mia got the man to confess to his crimes. Kinda stole the show from Ray, but he wasn't complaining. White honestly thought it didn't matter if Mia was still alive, but he was very wrong… (人◕ω◕)

Arresting White was a simple matter, now that his confession gave the police and courts free reign to raze him and Blue Corp. (人◕ω◕) It'd be up to Wright to wrap up that case, but once White got the Guilty he deserved, the big blue idiot found himself very popular. A lot more cases sent his way and a lot more friends that used to be under White's thumb showering him with gratitude. (人◕ω◕) It was a step in the right direction for the rookie prosecutor. Even Calisto thought so~

As for Mia… She still took the loss of her sister hard, but she would carry on. Prosecutor Wright helped find the truth, as did Ray and Sebastian. White was convicted, and now Mia and Diego could keep the office running. They, too, would receive a lot more business for helping end Blue Corp's reign. (人◕ω◕) Life wasn't perfect, it would be hard without Maya, but Mia knew life would get better. (人◕ω◕)

[midnight-in-town]

So we have three persons in deadly danger: dadga, tartah and coco. (since they seem to be both severely hurt, right?). What if the king couldn't save all three. I mean he may be powerful with healing magic but it must be terribly hard. Maybe too much for him. Maybe saving three persons from death the same day will be too hard. So there would be a choice. Well Coco will live, that's sure but if Tartah die because of the Brims Hats plan, i don't think that she'll forgive them or join them.

Hey Anon! Well, maybe I interpreted ch67 wrongly, but I was more under the impression that Coco was unconscious and not "hurt" (besides, like, maybe a concussion), meanwhile Tartar...

... is indeed suffering from a much more likely to be fatal wound.

As for Dagda, he keeps on "dying" but he's under a "time rewind" forbidden spell that, for now, works...

...so I'd say the current priority is Tartar++, then at a later time Dagda (from the moment the spell wears off), while Coco will most likely be fine without the King's intervention (to be confirmed).

Also, while I agree that Coco would never forgive the Brim Hats for hurting Tartar, she's also currently treading on very thin ice and anything happening to any of her friends (including Tartar, Coustas and, by proxy, Dagda) "because magic and medicine can't be mixed" might most likely tip her scale in favor of the Brim Hats.

All that being said, I'd also be lying if I said I believed Dagda had a real chance to make it through this arc. :// Sadly, the truth is, Dagda is a literal walking forbidden spell and the Brim Hats want to make themselves known to the King so, narratively speaking, Dagda meeting/being saved by the King is equal to a victory for the Brim Hats.

Of course, it could be what Sensei is after, since this arc is clearly challenging all the laws fueling The Secret as well as the forbidden link between magic and medicine, but Belda was quite clear as to what he fears about King Dean getting knowledge about magic and...

...as much as I truly enjoy the King's character and despise The Secret, I think he's right. For now, plot-wise, it wouldn't be a good idea at all for the King's family to figure out how magic works, because it would simply further the Brim Hats' cause and they're too chaotic to be the real answer (meanwhile the Prince learning the truth from, say, Tetia? highly more interesting and less prone to chaotic results :))).

TL;DR at this point, I don't fear for Tartar's or Coco's safety, whereas I really doubt Dagda will make it. And even if the King were to manage saving him, he's at a very high risk of getting his memory erased which will anger Coustas to no end, causing Tartar and Coco much grief. ://

At some point during the arc, I really though there could be a way for, say, Atuarto to become Ininia's, Coustas' and Tartar's teacher, since he offered to protect Galga from the Island of Lost Memories...

...but that probably won't happen for Coustas if Dagda can't escape death + the Witches' law for being a walking forbidden spell, like Eunie did.

We'll have to wait and see. I hope I managed to answer your question. :)) Have a good day Anon!

[lazarus-harp]

I think A LOT about what the survivors do post-season. would nikita try and pretend that nothings happened? would mat watch the videos the dead made to humanize those who had to die for him to survive?

you're the survivor connoisseur, what do you think?

for one, i'm very flattered to be seen as the 'survivor connoisseur'! so thank you immensely for the kind words. and secondly, oh boy, this question couldn't of come at a better time ... considering how much post canon mat & nikita have been pingponging around my head! i'll try to be as coherent as possible, but if a lot of this is pure word vomit then i do apologize. it is merely the passion taking over haha.

nikita is someone who fascinates me greatly in the aftermath, because there's a level of realism within her that's lacking in mat. but it's cynicism mixed with denial! she doesn't believe they can bring everyone back i don't think, or at least that's what she tells herself over and over again. a mantra. a safety net. she is so scared to hope and she's even more scared of what might come after that ; there's a sense of shame inherent in her when faced with colleen's bitter coldness. unlike mat, she is all too aware of her horrible actions and what might follow. an awful nightmare of, even if i saved them, would they forgive me? would they want me around? would things be the same? and nikita knows the answer, or at least thinks she does. so much of her post everlock is trapped inside this in-between, which naturally makes her come off as wishy washy and contradictory. a perfect fit for her bizarre behavior in s4. she's willing to go through with the rescue mission because her desire aligns with mat's, yet she staunchly refuses to wallow in grief. she accepts people have died ( in her memorial to manny and roi, via the tear tattoos ) and has made progress in finding a life outside the death games, via bretman. she nurses her new best friend close and yet mostly keeps him separate from everything everlock has touched and tarnished. i like to imagine bretman is her secret and crutch for moving forward, into a future that won't ever have manny again. he acts almost like a replacement in her heart. makes that loss hurt a little less. and i also think matthew can tell that's what it's about, naturally causing some resentment on his end ... because to him, manny can't be replaced. nobody can. it's why we have to do this, nikita! in lots of ways, he views her more 'healthy' behavior as her giving up on this, on them, and he loathes it.

but, obviously, nikita's behavior isnt healthy and mat ( in typical him fashion, where it concerns her ) is completely misreading her actions. nikita isn't acting callously, she's just scared. it's not about forgetting or pretending, it's a matter of selfish safety she's more hellbent on having than ever before. putting her heart out there only for it to be crushed beneath the grim world she now knows they're apart of? putting hope out there, indulging in wishful thinking and fantasy, just for those dreams to be taken from her, again? it's staggering losses she's nervous to take, and she's already made this mistake with manny ; believing he could live despite the odds, trusting in a faulty system, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel that would have them stepping out into the morning together ... but she was wrong. manny surviving all those challenges, even ones he shouldn't have, was nothing more than being lucky. a fluke, if she could be that cruel and discredit his skills so easily. in the end, he was still ripped away, in a way so horrible, nikita might secretly wish he would've just died beforehand. hope and optimism are soiled for her, reality is all that's left. you see this no nonsense attitude from her a lot in s3 to begin with! she's keenly aware of their time limit and keeps their group moving onward, sparing little theatrics on the dead bodies of innocents paving their way. vocally acknowledges that whoever was chosen to be brought back could arrive pissed and vengeful, openly calling attention to the fact it's likely for vendettas to breed when the game they're playing isn't blameless. really, the troublemaker is more calculated and clever than most fans give her credit for, in my opinion. these are traits normally passed over to mat instead, despite his intense emotions getting the best of him multiple times in the show! he is prone to listen to his heart and his grievances, weaponizing grudges when he deems it fitting while nikita is forced to swallow them, and really let them go because emotions hinder her determination and path forward. it's no different here ... except isn't it? just a little bit? nikita falters under her own desires for things to be as they were and she can't fully fight the need to see manny again, or to save the day when she feels responsible for so much pain that night.

though this goes against some core traits of hers and i think that's where the struggle really lies. i want to see manny, but what if he hates me? would i rather live in a world where he can hate me or would i rather stay in one where he'll never get that chance? very selfish of her, i suppose, to potentially value those things over an entire human life, but it's so realistic and human i can't help but sympathize. especially when she sets aside everything she thinks anyway! the troublemaker goes into purgatory knowing it might fail, and that if it does, it's going to reopen every wound she's haphazardly stuck bandaids over. she knows bretman might see her for who she truly is, a liar and a killer and a betrayer and someone who can't love another enough, and forces him to come because fine, it's the end isn't it? and most importantly nikita goes in thinking she could be turned on and hated and this is exactly the reality she faces with colleen, leaving her frustrated, and angry, and turning her shame into vitriol just like before. post s4, with bretman pissed at her, mat broken, joey gone, and everything destroyed again ... nikita then has little else to do ( in her mind ) except to move on for good this time. here might come the pretending act : shrugging off devastating losses and a world full of horror, settling into strange contentment after everything. a false calm, but one she'd wear perfectly nonetheless. would probably quit the society and go back to mundane things, like shopping sprees and creation. live a quiet life. everlock, purgatory, and the year between nothing more than the teardrops on her face and a man she still can't rid herself of. she can't look colleen or bretman in the eye. little things carry over into her manicured life : a refusal to wear pink despite forever adorning blonde hair, never holding the cool steel of a gun in two hands, doesn't say “i love you,” anymore, and plenty of other burdens. but she tries to ignore these signs as much as possible.

still, nikita seems healthy when compared to mat! at least there's a level of acceptance from her, at least she no longer holds the dead. maybe she's too keen on shoving them away now -- but maybe it's a better alternative, when paired with the detective's obsession with them? so much of mat post s3 or even post s4 to me is about his love and desperation outweighing logic, reality, and whatever else stands in his way. stubborn in all the wrong ways for all the wrong reasons. he is a character who needs to be loved and he found a group ( as imperfect as it was ) who adored him so much they wouldn't even let him stay dead. it's a turning point he can't go back from, because now mat owes these people everything. it doesn't matter to him that, really, only safiya and joey brought him back ... because when he stumbled through that door, everyone was so happy. they smiled and grabbed at him and it's probably the most welcome he's ever felt! it's a warmth he won't ever feel again but is chasing. so unlike nikita he can't play into denial. he can't move on or confront what'll happen if he fails. he can't fail, not again, because mat has to save somebody and he has to make the pain worth it. he was killed by the strongman? well, at least it wasn't manny, at least it wasn't permanent, at least mat came back to nothing but love and affection, and how could he ever trade that for anything? all his friends died because of a game they were forced to play? well, mat's out of everlock, he's free, he doesn't need to play by invisible rules anymore and he can bring everyone back and they can be together, and then the suffering will pale in comparison to the reunion awaiting them, right? it's scary for him to consider death and what it means : being forgotten, having everything you've done amount to nothing, laying in the dark of some terrible night all alone, permeant. so he does whatever he can to rebel against these fears that he believes are universal, but are merely his own. he'll get his hands on everything his group was in ( pictures, videos, articles, ) and he'll religiously consume them to remember. he'll think of them always, as ghosts in the corner of his eye, and will never do a single action without thinking about them in some way, to make them still amount to something beyond the veil. he'll heroically save them from a permanent slumber, like they did for him, so they can lay in the sun or in the comfort of a shared room and they can be permanently alive, at least for now. it's loving and it's devotional and it shows how deeply matthew cares and how big his heart is, but it's selfish too.

mat is preventing himself from pain this way, necessary pain. he's stalling the grieving process by entertaining a world in which they'll all be saved and will be able to move on together. he's leaving his wounds open and prodding at them so they won't ever close because finding a life outside of this is horrifying for him. and reasonably so! he died, and now he's just back? he's supposed to ... what, exist? be his old self? what's the protocol for revival? is he allowed to mourn someone he still is, or is he meant to pretend it's a life continued rather than a brand new one? scary ideas, scary theories, not a single guiding hand in sight. clinging to everlock and who he was then is safe, it's who he is now. except, is it? or is that the identity he's carved for himself because facing this world with brand new eyes makes him want to die? how can he move on from the very place he died in? it doesn't seem fair! or ... right. it's unnatural and mat is confused and he's floundering. clinging is all he can think to do. this also shuts him off from forming new connections or rekindling with old ones and that's safe too, not having to look at someone and think about if they'd survive the vote. if they could make it to the end with him, if it ever happened again. it also doesn't help that mat just has a chronic 'i'm a good guy!' problem and if he can undo everything he won't have to confront the fact he's not as perfect as he thought he was. like, while nikita is scared of hope and what it might do to her, mat is scared to look in the mirror and acknowledge he'd do anything to survive. that he's callous and cruel, that he's someone who would save his own skin rather than sacrifice himself for another. that's not who he is -- was? identity is a huge part of his conflict here!

it's a big bag of worms! there's many complexities at play, butting heads with their new natures and desires ... with each other too, clearly. mat obsessively drowns in the past and only works towards his ideal future ( i don't even think s4's failure would deter him ) and everything else just falls in-between. nikita lives life normally for once and maybe tentatively branches out to find new friends again, just because it's a sign she's making progress and it's something that'll show mat that moving on is possible, thanks. ways of dealing that take them down different roads eventually but they'll never let each other go so there's that new constant at least! and they're both actively hiding all the while, whether they know it or not. tragic!

anyway, i know this is ungodly long and ramble-y but i do hope it somewhat answered your question! i know i mostly talked about their mindsets and inner workings rather than what they specifically do in the aftermath, but! i think you can infer a lot based on their mindsets here. like, oh mat would rather start a scrapbook full of dead people's photos he's lovingly collected versus ... taking up journaling. nikita would rather follow an online course on cooking just because she's bored as fuck versus ... reaching out to the society so she can train with swords again. that kinda thing <3

[gooberino]

Thoughts on fictional dads and childhood trauma part 1

Gonna get pretty personal for a moment, and talk about my childhood trauma so scroll past if that's not something you can handle rn <3 Just want to have this written down somewhere.

Been thinking about why I obsess over fictional dilfs so much while I have a pretty dysfunctional relationship with my own father. Growing up my father was not a loving and caring person, he very much had the pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep your emotions to yourself attitude. For himself, me and my family. He was insulting, mean, rarely ever gave praise, and everything we did as a family was controlled by him. We were expected to make HIM happy, and he got upset when we didn't fit his mold of a perfect family.

I don't think you understand how frustrating it is being 22 and your dad STILL being unable to take accountability for his past actions. While still craving the affection and validation of that same awful person.

I can remember getting dizzy and throwing up on a bike ride, and my dad angrily pushing me to keep going when I wanted to go back home to rest up. Then the following day we went on another bike ride to appease him.

I can remember my sister crying to me that he had threatened to break her dogs neck if she didn't get her shit together. (She was struggling with money and mental problems at the time from my memory.)

I can remember holding back tears when he was trying to teach me math and would make fun of me and insult me when I couldn't solve a problem.

I could fill a book with the amount of traumatic and dysfunctional ways he's behaved towards me and my family. The bottom line is nothing is good enough for him. No matter what accomplishment you tried to share, there was always something you could do to make it better. The walk should be multiple hours to count as a "good" walk. You need to live life with an education and a well paying job to be considered valid etc.

To then have your siblings and mother who are all just as traumatized be able to forgive him and willingly accept him in their life. It's isolating and it hurts. How can you just forgive someone who's caused you so much grief? I want to participate in my family but it's immensely difficult when I struggle to relate to them and my dad is still incredibly present in it, still being unchallenged on his views.

Now that's my dad and how he's traumatized me. But how did that affect me later on and most interesting how on earth does that connect to obsessing over fictional dads!?

I'll get to it in the next post, if you genuinely read everything I had to say I really appreciate you! <3

[wastheheart]

Branching off the other ask, what was Esme's relationship with her own mom like? And how does that affect her as a mother who lost her own child?

Buckle up, this got long. I'm sorry!

Esme loved her mom very much and held a deep respect for her. After all, raising a child and running and working farm wasn't easy and her mother seemed to do it with ease. Of course, Esme had her father who worked the farm too, but as a woman, Esme's mother was expected to raise her child alongside the manual labour she was expected to complete on the farm.

Esme was an only child and both her parents had many expectations placed on young shoulders. She was very much a daddy's girl growing up, especially since her mother struggled to have any more children. Although adored by her father, Esme's mother ran their farm with more of an iron rod sort of approach. Esme was expected to start helping on the farm as soon as she could, alongside keeping up with her schoolwork.

She was a spirited child. She loved to be out in nature and on the farm. She wasn't afraid to tussle with the boys in her class or do other "tom-boyish" things such as climbing trees.

As a child, her mother could somewhat forgive her behaviour, but as she reached her teens, and especially after the incident which broke her leg, Esme's mother had had enough. Apart from farm duties, Esme was to start dressing and behaving the way a young woman was expected to. In the evenings, Esme would partake in needlework lessons with her mother, learning how to repair her father's shirts. She was also often tasked with preparing dinner for the family should her mother be out running errands.

At the age of 17, one of her closest friends had gotten engaged to the neighbouring farmer's son, wedding shortly after and where (while on the way home) Esme's mother commented that it was time for Esme to start thinking about finding a husband.

It was then Esme mentioned about moving west and becoming a teacher, not desiring a housewife role— at least for now. Such a confession was a mistake, and it ended up being the first, real argument Esme and her mother ever got into. Of course, her father heard them coming back to the house; expecting him to agree with her, Esme was left dumbfounded when he sided with her mother.

Things were tense in that regard. Not long after, Esme's father invited friends of the family over for dinner. In tow, was the considerably older but respectable Charles Evenson.

Despite not saying it outright, Esme knew what her parents expected from this introduction. Soon enough, Charles had proposed and, knowing she couldn't possibly say no, Esme accepted.

Esme's introduction to Charles was the beginning of a deteriorating relationship with her mother. His behaviour after they married causing it to erode even more. The final straw was when Esme asked for her parents' help. To see her mother choose to turn a blind eye and suggest Esme do the same while also suggesting her daughter alter her behaviour to appease Charles, Esme felt the beginnings of ambiguous grief pushing them apart. The woman who she loved and respected was becoming no more than a stranger to Esme.

When Esme appeared at her parents' doorstep with tear streaked cheeks having just received the news Charles was coming home from war, Esme had hoped that her mother would be as sad for her daughter as Esme was for herself.

In the brief respite Esme had with Charles' absence, Esme had begun to become like that 16 year old girl once more. She was safe, she allowed herself to dream about moving west and pursuing teaching, she dreamed about the freedom Charles' death would grant her and the promise fulfilled to her parents. How could they expect her to marry again after becoming widowed? No, for all intents and purposes, Charles was the love of her life (after she changed her ways, of course) and she would be devastated.

When her mother called her ungrateful, selfish, devilish for the heartache his survival caused her, Esme's mother had completely died that day. Her father did nothing more than agree with his wife, worried he'd be scorned if not, and so she lost both parents that day.

As soon as Esme discovered she was pregnant, she was terrified. Yet despite the fear, Esme knew that she needed to do everything in her power to protect her unborn child. In fact, it caused her to despise her mother for not treating Esme with the same love and protection. Esme realised—bitterly so—that if her mother had cared even a fraction of how Esme cared about her baby, then she would have and would do. Her mother's indifference was a choice. Any love that may have lingered between them entirely diminished.

As much as Esme loved her child, she could never have expected the love she felt upon holding him in her arms for the first time. His birth (something she wished her mother to be present for) was hard and lonely, but feeling the weight of a newborn in her arms, the reason for fighting as hard as she had, Esme couldn't describe the love she had for him.

She could never imagine treating her son the way her parents had treated her, especially her mother.

When he first got sick, Esme didn't sleep. She held him constantly, watching him breathe even if he struggled, desperate for him to make it through the night. When she finally felt him go limp in her arms, grief was overshadowed by blinding rage.

Why did her mother get to have Esme? Why did this woman who couldn't love her even an ounce of the way Esme loved her son, get to have a child?!

It felt nothing more than divine punishment despite not being very religious. In fact, it made her feel like nothing more than punishment bestowed upon her from a mother who wished to discipline a disobedient child.

The grief wasn't simply the child she lost, but the life she had lost with him. She was going to show this boy the love that should have been showed to her. She was going to support his every dream and never turn him away in times of need.

Once Esme had been changed, that lingering need to love unconditionally remained. It's why she welcomed Edward back with open arms, why she always had an open door policy with Rosalie and allowed the other members of her coven to come to her with anything. Esme had lost her child, but she could try and be the mother she had always wanted to be to those in her coven who needed it.

[knoxs2nd]

thinking on yasu's views on kinzo and why she feels compelled to understand him (and why her understanding him has to happen, thematically) is because she's grappling with the fact that he is her culprit

with the understanding that witches = culprits, and with the understanding that up until now, yasu had been playing this game where she cast herself in the role of witch/culprit because

1) it's fun

2) culprits are *interesting*

unpiecing the culprit's heart is the most important and most rewarding part of the mystery novel, of life. in yasu's view of the world, being a witch is great fun, but there's also a part of her that would like to be understood, for someone to understand her "force of heart"

but up until november 29, 1984...yasu had never really had to face a culprit in her real life. she had been idealizing the narrative importance of the culprit and how emotional and human they must be, and fantasizing herself in that role.

learning of kinzo's past, she comes to the visceral realization that the culprit has to commit a crime. something that ruins other people's lives, that steals their happiness away from them. his sin that resulted in yasu like this, feeling cursed from birth and subhuman.

of course yasu feels repulsed by him! of course she is disgusted by the fact that she is borne of his blood! he committed unforgivable crimes that killed so many people, left so many others traumatized, and then cursed her with this Single Truth, that it's all his fault.

but at the same time...she had seen him at his death, when he found out about her existence. before she knew about his being her culprit. at that time, when confronted with kinzo, she couldn't hate him.

she was bewildered, yes, but she had been on the receiving end of that "force of heart" right there, and all she could do in that moment was grant kinzo's final request to call him "father" and bring him peace...she wanted to forgive and save him, then...

the thing is. yasu had already "forgiven" kinzo when he died. she can't exactly take back the fact that she called him father and that he died without regrets, or how, right then and there, she felt moved and like she'd done the right thing.

she learns of his sins only afterwards (thanks, team genji) and the exact nature of how he'd been the cause of all her suffering. and. what then? feel so revolted and wish she hadn't done it? but she had also been witness to his immense grief, madness, and regret.

she can't blindly forgive him, like she unwittingly already did, nor can she blindly hate him, because...she still felt for him when he died, as two human beings, as a part of her worldview that values understanding the heart's mysteries as the basis of human connection...

for her own sake, yasu needs to understand kinzo and what drove him, the heart that could both commit such terrible crimes and yet spend decades trying to repent.

just as we come to understand yasu as umineko's culprit, yasu comes to understands kinzo, her - beatrice's - culprit.

[myshipmyway]

[Star Trek] Horsing Around

The only reason I'm not applying names to Pike's horses here is because I'm not sure of the details for SNW. Tango and Mary Lou were in Mojave, but were they past horses or did he have them in Montana or is that information no longer current? So I thought, instead of obsessing over tiny details and not writing at all, I'd just omit the names. 'Cause that's better than being completely wrong.

Right?

Yes.

I'm getting rusty as hell so forgive any weirdness.

***

Bear Creek, Montana, late 2259.

"Are you insane?"

Captain Christopher Pike regarded his protesting Ensign with an arched brow. They were leaning together against the fence behind his Bear Creek home, watching the horses go about their business, and just… existing without expectations.

Until Chris dropped a verbal bomb: he wanted Aurelia to get to know his horses. How many times had she said they terrified her? Big, sofa-sized animals with anxiety, that's what they were. Chris couldn't imagine how anybody could be afraid of horses.

"I think it's a good test of your mettle," Chris replied. He gave her shoulder a light nudge, and the younger woman crossed her arms over her chest and scowled beneath her cowboy hat.

He had told her to dress for the ranch. The reasoning was suddenly obvious.

"It's the last thing you need to do for your promotion," he casually added. She glanced at him, then did so again and tipped the brim of her hat up out of her face.

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah, really," Chris said. 

It took every ounce of willpower he had for Captain Pike to keep a straight face as he watched the Ensign consider his request. Over the course of forty-five seconds he watched her go through the five stages of grief and discover another stage or two along the way.

It was when her gaze dropped to her shiny new cowboy boots that Chris realized he may have overstepped. Her mumbled, "Okay, I guess," made him tilt his head and frown. Oh. Aurelia was never that quiet—unless she was upset.

"Aurelia," the Captain gently started, "I wouldn't ask you to do something that would hurt you. You're getting the promotion regardless—because of your hard work. I'd like you to get to know my horses because I want to share the things that I enjoy with the people I care about."

The younger woman blinked up at him and he watched her cheeks turn pink.

"I thought you were being hyperbolic whenever you said you were terrified of horses," he admitted. "I'm sorry. Maybe—why don't we figure out something else to do?"

More blinking. She stared past him at the horses for a moment, then looked up at him with an unexpectedly big smile.

"You'll be with me the entire time, right?" She asked, "And you'll show me exactly what to do?"

"Scout's honour," he assured her. Chris offered Aurelia his hand, and she considered it for a moment before nodding her approval. Yeah. She could do this.

"Let's see if your horses like me better than my cousins' did," the Ensign quipped as she grasped her Captain's hand.

A wave of relief washed over him. He gazed absently at their joined hands, a faint smile tugging at his lips—there was some deja-vu in that, the sort for something that maybe hadn't happened yet. Was there such a thing? That smile turned to a proper boyish grin and he said, "I won't let them eat you, I promise."

Her snorted laughter made him laugh, too, and he led her off into the field.

***

About six feet from where his horses stood was when Aurelia stopped and froze up. She clung to his arm, and he gently reassured her—in much the same tone he'd use to calm his animals—that everything was alright. She was safe. Chris instructed her to hold out her hand while he fished some sugar cubes out of his jacket, and once she'd done that, he gently set the treats in her palm.

"Hold your hand out flat—yeah, like that," he said, and he whistled sharply. Both horses turned, their ears perked, and they trotted over. They reminded Aurelia of great big dogs, except dogs couldn't trample you to death.

Could they?

He softly introduced the horses, the other loves of his life, to the petrified young woman. He kept one arm around her shoulders so she wouldn't forget he was there. As one of the horses claimed the sugar cubes—loudly snuffling all the while—Aurelia barked laughter.

"That… that tickles," she squeaked.

Chris fed his other horse (couldn't just treat one and not the other, after all) and then lightly nudged his companion toward its flank. He patted the animal's neck, then glanced down at Aurelia, who was already looking up at him.

"Like this," he said.

She planted her hand against the horse's neck, too, and her Captain guided her through giving proper pets and scritches. She was starting to relax. Maybe it was him, maybe it was the realization that they weren't going to hurt her, or perhaps it was a combination of the two. When the first horse came over and started nosing her shoulder for attention, Aurelia didn't even flinch. She laughed.

"Better than your cousin's horses?" Chris asked. She beamed up at him.

"Y-Yeah, yeah. A lot better," she said. 

He wasn't sure if he was feeling pride, or something else entirely.

***

It had turned out to be a good day despite the rough start.

Chris was sitting back against a tree, Aurelia beside him, her hat pulled down over her face. She was fast asleep. One horse stood with her, nibbling on her hair, not a care in the world while the other grazed nearby.

It was… nice.

The Captain lay his head back against the tree, closed his eyes, sighed. It was one of those moments that he desperately wished to commit to his memory.

His future would rob him of his ability to do so many things, including this—spending quality time with his people and his horses, outside of the confines of the indoors. He frowned. How many of those people would stay once he was…?

Don't think about it. Just enjoy the moment.

Aurelia had gradually been leaning closer and closer while Chris was lost in his thoughts, and he startled when he finally felt her fall against his shoulder. She stirred, and the horse stared indignantly at her for daring to move.

"Nap time's over," Chris teased. "You're shivering."

The young Ensign slowly sat upright; her Captain took her hat and plopped it back on top of her head. He gradually got up off the ground, stretching, and grunted in protest when Aurelia grabbed hold of him to pull herself to her feet. 

"Did I pass the vibe check?" She asked, and he chuckled softly as he patted her shoulder. Both horses were following them to the gate, one occasionally trying to catch nibbles of the blonde woman's hair while they walked. Aurelia didn't notice.

"Yeah, I think you did."

He smiled to himself and shook his head.

[roalinda]

i've seen comparisions between Snape & Lily and Sirius & James. Its funny that it CAN be made [long grief, guilt, sibling issues, parent issues. Snape stole Lily's letter from Sirius' room, tore away part of photo with James and Harry. ironic and telling] but still they were the opposite?? And not even bc prongsfoot was exactly better or healthier [they were beyond reasonable personal boundaries], but… James and Sirius were equal, like-minded and requited, Snape never had that with Lily.

Hello anon, 

Sorry for the late reply ♡ 

There are indeed similarities between them but I am firmly against comparing Snape and Lily's friendship with James and Sirius'. 

Note: Not bashing any character here

The most important fact that many people tend to forget is the characters' backgrounds and mind. Sirius and James are both from pureblood families and while they are rule-breakers and blood traitors, they know how the pureblood society works. The Black family is the epitome of a muggle hater wizarding family and the Potter family, despite not sharing the same ideas, is knowledgeable about pureblood politics. So, Sirius and James know when someone calls a muggle or a muggle-born wizard/witch a mudblood what it exactly means and the extreme offence it has.

Snape never bothered to hide his dislike of muggles, even close to calling Petunia mudblood/ muggle at times if Lily was not around. The point is not Snape being a muggle hater or James and Sirius being blood traitors here, the point is that James and Sirius never made an exception for their ideals unlike Snape who made one for Lily.

This is just an example of what I mean about how they are different in their way of thinking and that makes a huge difference in how a friendship works. Friendship is not just about love, it is about sharing thoughts and comfort as well. Snape and Lily couldn't have that because their way of thinking was different. Personally I believe that love can be exhausting when one's thoughts and ideals clash in a negative way. The friendship turns bitter and no matter how deep the feelings are, there is no choice but to let go. Lily herself told Snape that , you have chosen your way, I have chosen mine in HP and DH (or something like that, in Prince's tale). So, yes. I think a lot of people forget that it isn't the complete emotional part between Snape and Lily, but their mind played a fundamental role and caused Snape to break the exception he had for Lily, calling her a mudblood despite later begging for her forgiveness.

In my opinion what Snape felt for Lily was not an obsession. It was a dysfunctional love that could have turned into something deep and platonic if they were on the same page, at least a little. But Snape hated muggles even before Hogwarts and then started to use dark magic. I think people also tend to mistake what obsession actually means in the HP world. Obsession is best described by Sirius in HP and POA when he was talking about how he had escaped Azkaban to protect Harry because he was too worried about his safety.

"It was as if someone had lit a fire in my head, and the dementors couldn't destroy it…it wasn't a happy feeling…it was an obsession…but it gave me strength, it cleared my mind." HP and POA, chapter nineteen, page 372

Obsession means a sense of being worried and anxiety with a huge desire (wrong or right) to protect but here is the difference, Sirius was ready to die for James and his family even before something happened, Snape was willing just for Lily and then after her death which comes to my point.

We don't know much about Lily and Sirius' relationship, not while they were studying in Hogwarts, at least not till the seventh year in which she started dating James, which obviously meant she had become friends with Sirius as well and later we see that they were close,  proven by the letter she wrote to him. What we do know is that Lily was not fond of him before (although he was more ok than James in her book at that time I think, tbh 🤣) , but they clicked. Maybe the main reason was James, but other reasons were parent issues ( which Lily didn't have but Snape had) and sibling issues ( which Lily had but Snape didn't) , So I think if their way of thinking was a bit closer, maybe Lily could continue her friendship with Snape and Sirius could at least be neutral towards him, but Snape couldn't overcome his hatred for James and Sirius (I am not saying forgiving and forgetting bullying, I'm saying being neutral for Lily's sake) , so his friendship didn't work out with Lily. Sirius seemed to not to be interested in Lily that much before and only seeing her as James' love interest until things got serious between James and her, so they bonded easily over their similarities, being the ultimate -this is my husband and this is my husband's boyfriend- duo. 🤣 I'm not even kidding. Each of the two had James in their own kind of grip, poor Jamie baby boy. ♡ 

So, here I'm going on a rant about James and Sirius, beware. 

Comparing Sirius and James to Snape and Lily is a fundamental mistake. For one, as you put it, they are equals, in ideas, the way they use their magic, the way they entertain themselves which may be cruel and I'm certainly not making a saint out of them BUT I believe it is kind of funny how people fail to see that Snape and some of his friends did that too to some students, but with black magic. I don't think black magic is any less horrible than sexual harassment ( as it is up to the debate in the fandom in the lake scene ), so while I am not defending James and Sirius, I am saying that even their interests were the same, from complicated charms to being arrogant bastars, something that Lily and Snape absolutely didn't share. 

Another point is Sirius and James' co-dependancy. It may seem wrong or right, toxic or healthy (depending on the reader's view), but one of the most important differences is this. It is too deep, it is so strong that James practically puts his and his family's life into Sirius' hands with no second thoughts. Lily didn't have any objections based on the books either. It means that she trusted Sirius as well. 

I believe the main difference is that Sirius is willing to protect the Potters (I mean the whole family), not just James, with his life. I think even if James died that night and Lily survived, Sirius would have been the one with a level head (despite what most people think and tbh my guilty pleasure is unhinged Sirius as well but here we are talking about the books ) for Lily and Harry's protection and would mourn in private.

Snape was willing to do anything as well, but just for Lily. No matter how much of an arrogant toerag James might have been, at that time he was the man who Lily had fallen for and had a child with. So, the fact that he didn't care for James and Harry (despite James being a pureblood since we have seen Voldemort having high respect for purebloods even blood traitors and how he wanted Lily and James in his ranks, also Harry being just an innocent baby), is a bitter reminder of his and Lily's idealism difference unlike Sirius and James who were quite the double act in everything. The moment they saw each other on the train, their fate was sealed. Sirius and James became soul mates, or better to put it, were soul mates. Honestly, they couldn't tolerate being separated even in detention. They made mirrors for God's sake to talk to each other at any chance possible. I think the only reason they were able to tolerate being apart when James and Lily were in hiding was because of Lily and Harry's safety because we all know how daredevil they were if left unsupervised. 👀

All in all, to me James and Sirius' friendship is unique and no friendship in any era of HP series can compare to them. 

Thank you for the ask. ♡

[marnum]

Oh I'm all about this. I've been subjecting a friend to all my rambles but now the hull has been breached.

Im still working out some details of her story, but heres Savia in the Regret Prison.

I actually do think it would still contain Varric, specifically because he reminds her of her father. Savia didn't join the crows until she was 13, she remembers her parents very clearly and losing Varric cut her in a way she wasn't expecting or prepared for. She didn't think she had projected that much onto him in the little time they knew each other. Having him around at the Lighthouse, offering a little advice here and there, was enough motivation for her to step up and lead the team. She's already a little paranoid, now it's worse.

But if the rule is that Varric isn't there at all...

Firstly would be her father. After her mother died, he wasn't the same, and she always felt like she could have done more for him. Its the kind of guilt that children forced into adulthood have.

It's more about forgiving herself. She was his child, it wasn't her responsibility to take care of him. He left her with the only chance of staying alive that he knew, even if it caused her more grief than being on the streets ever could. She has to accept that it was never her fault and even if she hadn't been around, he would have ended up in the same sad and desperate place.

Second would be her Benefactor. He hasn't got a name yet, but in summary he's a Bard who killed her mother in a fit of artistic rivalry, then when he found out her father sold her to the Crows he took a contract out on himself (assigned specifically to Savia, no he will not let anyone else do it) as an elaborate finish to a decades long project on life and death because "it's poetic". Savia would receive many gifts and letters from him over the years until she finally got the go ahead to hunt him down in Orlais and kill him.

He literally ruined her life. He killed her mother, which caused her father to fall off the wagon, and then she ended up in the Crows. But she still accepted the gifts and the money and all the nice things he sent on her. They never met until she came to find him, but she was afraid it would happen the entire time in between. Could she have tried to find him before? Probably. Would she have been prepared? Probably not. What would have that done besides ruin her reputation among the Crows? She had nothing but her reputation at that point, this was the best option. It's another case of "it's not your fault" tbh... there's a pattern here.

If I had to add someone else that isn't a companion, because she truly does blame herself for all of that... I couldn't say. Maybe the echos of her fellow fledglings, the ones she had to fight to earn her spot that are probably dead because of her...

If we go with what is becoming her Canon, my friends and I have made a 3 Crows AU and the other figures she'd see would be her fellow de Riva proteges. The two people she would hate to let down the most, her little nestlings, her dearest friends, the only ones she'd leave everyone else for. Being seen by them as a failure would break her heart.

Savia's biggest hurdle will always be her self doubt. She needs to realize that she has as much value as all the people she cares for, that she would leave a space in their lives if she disappeared. That they do love her as much as she loves them.

Once she can accept that, she'd be able to make her way forward.

Oh no it’s Monday, the worst day =(

Oh YAY! It’s the Rook Intro Hour! 🎉💕🍾🎁

How it works: I ask you a question about your Rook(s) and you answer it with as much brevity or verbosity as you desire. You can do this whenever you want, and I’ll reblog it + add some comments! There’s no time limit— if you want to do the older ones, they are collected here! (The post is updated on Fridays!)

Today’s Questions: If the regret prison that Solas traps Rook in at the end of the game hadn’t contained Varric + some of Rook’s companions, what would your Rook have seen there? Would they have been able to overcome their regrets? What would the process have looked like for them— how would they have worked through their emotions without anything to guide them?

Have fun, and thanks for sharing !

[a-dustlandfairytale]

People don't talk enough about how grief feels like a freight train running through your chest. There is no definitive conclusion on when it will end nor fade. Some days you feel kinda normal and you wonder why your friends treat you like glass. Other days you feel like even a pin drop could cause you to break down. This post is very personal so don't read ahead if you don't feel up to it.

I was reading texts that were from my dad, whom I lost 2 years ago, and I've been crying. It feels like needles of torture, but somehow worse than that would be to forget and ignore, because it feels like that's what everyone is already doing. It feels like my lungs fill up with fluid and I wanna cry out with animalistic wails as I grieve. Boy do I grieve. Grief is used too sparingly for a word that takes a bite out of your world.

My dad died when I was 19 (going on 20) I'm the most painful way possible for me. He had been sick on and off for months. He promised he would go to the doctor if he wasn't feeling well. He didn't and I ended up finding him dead. I had to tell my family he died. When I found him I didn't even know, I couldn't tell. He looked peaceful, like he was sleeping, but he was on the floor. I called my mom to come up from the car as they were divorced. Not long later she told me to look away and thats when I knew. I don't even remember what the cops asked me when they arrived. I just kept looking to where my mom covered him in a blanket. I couldn't breathe. I still don't think I can breathe sometimes.

5 months later my oldest brother died. His mom and stepfather had always been alcoholics and always peer pressured him into drinking. My dad definitely didn't love it but it was hard to beat a guy who was literally a multimillionaire. My brother became an alcoholic as he grew up. He always thought he could just have a drink on the weekends after he got out of rehab. A month after my dad died he almost died from liver failure and didn't tell us. He just told me he was in the hospital. So he kept getting mad as I nagged him. I was so worried. Foe good reason as I would soon find out. His doctor gave him maybe 5 years to live if he stopped drinking. Maybe a year otherwise. He told us on canada day. I held his hand as he died in the hospital barely 2 weeks later during covid restrictions, which meant only 2 people could be there. Only me and his girlfriend were there. His mom was too scared to see him die. His body was so thin and his hands so swollen. They couldn't give him anymore blood cause he kept bleeding out. He actually died with a liquor bottle in his arms. While i didnt love it, it was his last wish, it was the last thing i could help do for him. Before I met my brothers mom and stepdad, I never knew I could truly hate someone. Her and her husband are people I truly hate and will never forgive. Their daughter died this year from an overdose 2 days after I saw her. They only have 1 kid now.

I've never been able to find a therapist that works for me. Like there have been some okay ones but when it comes down to it, it seems that according to them veryone and clearly it hasn't been working for me. Since all this happened it's not unlike chidis reference to the ocean, thats how my grief feels and I want it to just go back to the ocean, but at the same time, much like Eleanor, im so scared I'm gonna somehow lose along the way. It's been 2 years.

I'm 22. I wanna be normal. I want my dad and brother here so badly. I wish I had been by my dads side earlier and helped him. I have so many regrets but I feel like I can't let them go.

Anyways back to our regular scheduled programming.