#and as much as I love ME1 but coming back to ME3 is SUCH a nice feeling since it was the first ME I played back in the day

[painterofhorizons]

Reda Shepard & James Vega

[janewayintersection]

I ... I really like how Kaidan is this man in his 30s who is confident and kinda quiet but exudes this aura of sureness in his words and actions - and then you have a strong presence in Shepard who is a leader, confident in their role as Commander, but not always sure of themselves when it comes to their subordinates/friends once the mantle of Commander comes off.

"Are you flirting with me?" - this line from Shepard sounds more like they're asking for confirmation that not only does a crew mate like them, but is interested in them. Interested in them, outside of the Commander title, and them as a person. Kaidan reassures them - even when he gets turned down the night before Eden, he still comforts Shepard.

I like that over the course of the series it seems to flip, where Shepard becomes confident in themselves in their work and relationships/friendships (much more out of necessity) and Kaidan falls more and more into this uncertainty with his personal connections, and most importantly, with Shepard. Just like Shepard, he doesn't compromise his work or his morals but you can see that on the personal side he's second guessing everything everything he knew about Shepard.

The ME3 romance is Shepard taking care of Kaidan the same way he took care of them in the first game. It makes me gush how much Kaidan gets back to his confident self from ME1 if your Shepard decides to pursue him again and how you build up that trust once more. Kaidan is much more confident in his relationship with Shepard, much like how he did to the Commander during the romance in ME1, and he allows himself to trust and be honest again.

Him asking if the Commander is flirting with him in the hospital? That's a mirror of what Shepard was doing - feeling - in the first game. Does Shepard feel the same way? Are they still interested after seeing him lose control of his anger at Horizon? Was he wrong to assume they wanted to end what they had?

I love me the dynamic between Garrus and Shepard (bros for LIFE), but there's something so wonderful about Kaidan saying he wanted to be that comfortable space, that safe person, for Shepard that just tickles my romantic side especiallg seeing how it looks like they swap roles by the time ME3 rolls around.

not to be too blunt or anything, but if i could make out with this ask and the meta you just wrote, i would. mwah. master craft. i am genuinely so honored and flattered you shared this with me - thank you! i literally never even thought about it this way before, but holy shit you are so RIGHT. right down to the fact that kaidan now technically outranks shepard as major in me3; he is a lot more confident in his profession and position as a leader in his own right. hell, its his main priority (up until the moment he decides to take shepard at their word during the citadel confrontation...).

it’s clear that romanced or not, shepard’s death hit kaidan and it hit kaidan HARD. no doubt that he recoiled back into his shell after that, and especially after shepard joins cerberus and causes a whole slew of misunderstandings, confusion, and people being kept out of the loop. it’s really, really sweet to see him bounce back after that.

even with a shenko that starts in me3 (with mshenko primarily, but also fshenko where the romance path is cancelled before it can even begin)… while kaidan never takes his shot in me1, and its directly stated that kaidan wants to avoid acting out of line with such a serious and professionally focused shepard (in his words, shepard was “always so focused on the work back then. the mission was everything,” to which shepard replies, “it’s true. i’ll never know what i missed.”). however, over the course of the plot he still manages to get shepard to warm up around him, becoming good friends w them and dealing with ashley’s death together.

so really, we’re back to our original parallel. kaidan was the one more assured in personal relationships while- wait. hold on. kaidan’s initial struggle in dropping formalities in this route could also be attributed to his uncertainty when it comes to working with shepard. this would be filed into kaidan being more uncertain when it comes to his work and interacting with his more ‘accomplished’ and emotionally constipated/serious commanding officer. SORRY. sorry. as i was saying, kaidan was the one more assured in personal relationships, while shepard was the opposite. and gah. GAH. taste. by design.

also, to add to your original take, his certainty in his actions are called into question in me3 too. he doubts his behavior towards shepard, he tries to sit down and think through the good people who were caught up in cerberus, he questions how the illusive man spiraled into the person he is and if he was ever a good person. its just good. sorry my thoughts are so jumbled and im just word vomiting as i write this reply. truly a failing grade paper on my part, i hope you dont mind!!

as for garrus, agreed! garrus feels like a really touching sort of “mentorship” ride or die comrades dynamic that builds over the course of the plot while kaidan definitely has the above mentioned parallels and has the “equals who can help bring out the best in each other’s weaknesses” thing.

also i made a meme just because of this ask.

[dragonflight203]

ME1 replay thoughts, wrapping up the Citadel quests:

-The Quarians have uncovered the most mass relays. Logical enough, since they spend all their time in space

-Fist is long gone, but everyone is still talking about him like he's alive. Not sure if that's a bug or an oversight on Bioware's part

-There are a lot of humans in the Wards. I'm going to assume Shepard's in the Citadel equivalent of Chinatown for humans

-There aren't any Turians in the Wards until the Markets. Was that intentional on Bioware's part because of humanity's poor relations with them?

-Conrad's "wife" will love him hanging a picture of femshep in their living room. Uh uh. Sure.

-Starting the Keeper quest by speaking to Jahleed sure leads to different results! Had to fight Chorban. And volunteering to scan the Keepers means I missed out on the paragon points when I returned to Jahleed. :/ Worth seeing once, but not repeating in the future.

-The Keepers and the Citadel are a total blackbox. How did anyone get the idea that inhabiting this place was a good idea, much less making it the center of government? And why don't they at least research it?

-Yep, running all over the Citadel again to scan the Keepers is very aggravating.

-Just how did Septimus learn Xeltan's secrets?

-Turians only wear those hoods in the Wards, not on the Presidium. There are Turians in casual clothes on the Presidium, so I suppose the hoods are just super casual? Like hoodies?

-The Banes person who blackmails Dr. Michel is built up, and then goes absolutely nowhere. Others have said it more eloquently than me, but it is a letdown.

-Shai'ra's words are a bit disappointing to me. Insightful, I suppose, but not so poetic to be beautiful or helpful to be meaningful. I don't mind helping her, but I'm not counting the words as a reward.

-And again once she's done with me and asks me to leave, because she's everything she can for me... I'm just saying, Shepard could probably use a massage. Or someone that isn't a crewmate to talk to. This is what makes me feel used. At least invite me back for tea next time I'm on the Citadel or something.

It's like the consort wants to know everyone except Shepard.

-The Signal Source sidequest is probably the closest Mass Effect comes to foreshadowing the end of ME3, sadly enough. And a large chunk of players probably never started it, and even fewer probably finished it.

-I should have realized Tali would object to possibly resolving matters with the Signal Source peacefully. Of course she would assume it would turn on us. And it insisting that organics must destroy or control synthetics doesn't help.

Still nothing that even hints at Synthesis.

-Interesting. It's possible that Schells was involved in its creation.

The creator originally created a machine to help funnel money from gambling terminals. That machine became an AI, which created the Signal Source, and the original machine was destroyed when the creator realized it was sentient. And who did I just run into that created a device for winning at Quasar in Flux?

However, the Signal Source says the creator is currently serving time in a Turian prison, so Schells probably isn't the creator. They may or may not know each other. Or the Signal Source could have been lying about the creator, the Turian Prison, or both.

-Running all over the Citadel to check each shop is so tedious. Money will become meaningless soon enough, but right now I have very little. At least I picked up a half decent armor for Tali.

[sol-consort]

Who is a non romancable npc that you would've liked to romance in each game?

I want to fuck Admiral Hackett.

Man, it feels good getting it out there, you feel me? These things are good for you.

Anyway, so.

ME1

Wrex

didn't know much about korgans at the time and just thought they were the hottest thing alive. Especially that stare down Wrex and Shepard have when they first meet each other in the C-sec station and he's throwing his weight everywhere and not giving a single fuck about the cops trying to arrest him.

Are Korgans just not attracted to humans? He never makes a move on you. Ever. They're clearly into asari and we're not that far off.

In the first game, he was the only one to not respect Shepard from the start. It's kinda hot, yk? He was this mysterious edgy person with a jaded view on his race, and we were this hopeful human who wanted to encourage him to reunite the koragns. I wanted to have a slobby makeout session with him filled with teeth after his personal mission.

.

Nihlus

Listen to me. It was love at first sight. I still remember it so clearly when you talk to him in the prologue where he questions you about Eden Prime. The fact he was the one to recommend Shepard to the council as a spectre too is just the topping on the cake.

I think he was into us, as a human. Like everyone on the ship clearly was weary of him because of how fresh the first contact war was, and Shepard is the only friendly person to him besides Anderson.

My Ideal romance would've been us saving him from Saren then being a mentor and student kinda of ordeal? Like at a certian point we surpass him in power while sparring and he looks so proud of us and we lean in for the kiss and he doesn't pull away.

A Turian and a human romance would've been so scandalous on the first game bc of again, contact war. It would've been the perfect drama.

.

Doctor Chakwas.

You can't tell me that you didn't think about it! She is the only person taking care of everyone on this damn ship. We're in the middle of fuck off space clumsily stumbling our way into shootouts and coming out with bullets in godforsaken places!

She's the one that patches you up while scolding you for being so reckless. She can abandon protocols and formality as much as she likes because she's your doctor and has a right to! She can order a whole admiral around.

It doesn't help how she opens up to us about her fantasies in her youth of being this cute doctor and patching up wounded soldiers with stars in their eyes and living the romance dream. The game is begging you to make her dream a reality and give this older woman the true romantic experience she has been dreaming of!

.

Captain Anderson

Listen to me. Listen. No no come back. Come here!

I am an adult, you are an adult. We are adults. He is a very hot adult that I want to do unspeakable things to.

I'm just saying!!! I didn't know anything about him becoming Shepard's parental figure in ME2 and ME3.

So when I first met him in ME1 I was like oh. Are we about to...have a superior forbidden army romance situation? Am I your sugar baby? Golden trophy soldier? Why do you like me so much and treat me with so much favouritism? Are we doing it on the down low behind closed doors?

But no. They take him away from me like immediately afterwards and burst my bubble of fantasy. I forget about him for the rest of the game then I meet him at the end but it doesn't hit the same vibe it did at the start.

He just admires and respects Shepard. Nothing else :(

My romance and fantasy with him was very short lived and now he is more of a stand in parental figure.

.

ME2

The Illusive man

He is obsessed. Literally every interaction with him made me feel so giddy inside afterwards. It's like he gets off on just being near you and doesn't ask for nothing else. He is like a sugar daddy without the needed sugar.

And the "Cerberus allowance" credits money that you get after each missions just increasing in numbers didn't help. You report to him after every mission and he gives you more and more money. It almost makes you feel dirty in a good way.

Like based on his shadowbroker intel, he has the best escorts and strippers in the galaxy that he frequents. Yet it is you that he spends the most money on and you don't even have to put out or show a shoulder. It's not like a mercenary job either because one of his requirements is seeing you and talking to you, stalking you even.

Your meer existence gives him a rush and he keeps paying you for it, just to be allowed to witness you being you. I wish there was an evil romance option route where you go full human supremacy and agree with his evil plans to control the reapers and the last scene is like Shepard sitting on his lap in that room with the orange blue star.

I want that romance to be creepy and clearly self-serving. That both of them are using each other to get their own needs. There is no love involved, just obsession and hunger for power.

.

Legion

They wear a piece of your armour, they have a hole where their heart should be. They clearly look up to you so hopelessly with admiration.

And you're the first organic to treat them with kindness, show them warmth, help give them a name. You're everything they imagine love to be and more and they literally cannot process it. They can't comprehend the feelings they're feeling, they only know it's all consuming and they're short-circuiting around you.

It would've been a very fluffy and sweet romance where you really push the limit of the geth having a soul. To have a soul is to love, even if it's not romantic love.

But as a romance between you too, I feel like Legion having a scene where they pluck a small flower from the ground to present to you is everything. But then the flower gets crumbled in their iron grip and they look all dejected and sad.

You gently taking it and still thanking them for it, maybe putting the flower in the hole in their chest after giving it a small kiss. I have so many ideas, Legion deserves so much softness.

.

Aria

I don't think she'd allow a full romance, but we definitely would've had a complicated relationship. Both dominiating and ruling their own corners of the galaxy, yours just happened to be a moving ship.

It's like a ruthless queen and a faithful soldier. She could've made Shepard worse, you could've made her better. It's a very complicated love and hate relationship, a constant power play.

You send her Valentine's gifts that she claims to have thrown away, but you see her snacking on the box of chocolates that you got her the next time you visit. Threatening to cut someone's hand off because they asked for a piece.

She always tells you to go find someone cute to spend the night with but all of her strippers know better than to flirt with you. Aria warned all of them that you're off limit and no one even dares looks into your eyes.

Hell the fact she got a whole bartender to give you drinks for free after the last one tried to poison you? God that's hot.

But emphasis on complicated. Neither of you are willing to step down from your thrones and serve the other. She wants you on a leash like a dog at her side, you want to weild her like a dagger against your enemies throats.

Both of you were made for freedom and only deal with people who obey all of your orders. The two of you can never have a peaceful relationship because you're constantly at each other's throats but the attraction and tension is so thick in the air to deny.

.

ME3

Admiral Hackett

I don't have any excuse. I only started getting attracted to him during this game when we kept having constant communication with him.

He just...is very calm? Includes Shepard a lot and is very patient and wise. Steering you into the right direction and reminding you of the greater purpose you all serve.

But also he is down to earth in his own way, it feels intimate for him to call you just Shepard. Look at you with such eyes that have seen everything, it's like he is the single person that understands what you're going through in this, the single person to share your burden in all of this.

Because Anderson can't relate to Shepard in the way Shepard is supposed to be invincible steel, the way Shepard is supposed to be the unbreakable hero. But Hackett feels like he can relate to you in that way, like he too was in your shoes once and knows how lonely it must be.

How each relationship you have will always have a hallow emptiness inside because you can never be equal to someone. Each person you date will always see the commander Shepard before seeing you, the world will fall for your mask and not the one wearing it.

Except Admiral Hackett. It's like he can see behind the mask. He can see behind the titles and spectre status and the medals. He sees you as the little thing you are, so tired and exhausted from carrying the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders, you poor thing.

He's very caring in a way, no matter what wrongs you've done. He's very understanding too.

In ME2, he asks you for a favour and contacts you to help him. YOU! he asks YOU while you were a traitor working for Cerberus. god, the amount of trust he has in you.

Not to mention that he was actively stalling the alliance when it came to charging you for crimes for allying with Cerberus even before the whole favour DLC thing. In the Shadowbroker messages you can find him telling his subordinates "Negative" when they asked to finally bring you in.

It's also how commanding he is with just a single word? He does it twice. Once in the battle of Saren in ME1 when the alliance ships are beginning to retreat and he calmly refuses and tells them to move ahead.

And in ME2 where his subordinates write a long ass email on why you should be charged with treason but his literal only response is "negative."

His words carry such weight to them, fuck. It's so attractive the power and authority he casually throws around. Actually casually doing it unlike the illusive man who makes a point to show off to you. Hackett has nothing to prove and no one to impress.

The only person to view the commander Shepard as a fragile thing. The only person to understand what you're going through. The only person to realise what's truly at stakes here. How can I not want to be with him?

But with you he talks longer, he explains himself and line of thinking more. He doesn't treat you with the same strict attitude he gives to other soldiers. It's clear favouritism where he is gentler with you, softer like you're a fragile thing that might crack if someone even raised their voice at you.

Not to mention the whole "why pick me?" Dialogue option you get to ask him. On why he puts so much faith in you. Why he is always on your side.

And you get a straight answer for once. It's because you have this magical pull on people that gets them to work together, you were made to be a leader. It's easy to pay a merc to shoot a gun for you, but you cannot pay them for their loyality to follow you into hell twice. Yet you have that effect on people and he clearly sees your true skills that the others are blind to.

.

I have more, like James Vega, Samara, Mordin, Joker, EDI, Conrad verner, Saren, Sovereign, Kai Leng and Eve.

But I've written a lot, maybe for another time! Thanks for asking this, btw <3

[swaps55]

How do you think Kaidan would feel about Conrad Verner being a reoccurring character? Especially since no matter what option you pick, Shepard seems to have a bit more patience with him than other people

I hope you’ll forgive me if I Feelings Dump about Conrad Verner for a minute.

To first answer your question, I think Kaidan would be quietly jealous of Sam entertaining Conrad’s open adoration, even if he knows that Conrad isn’t exactly a romantic threat, because, well…no one is much of a romantic threat for Sam, lol. But I think Kaidan would be surprised that Sam gives him the time of day at all, much less shows patience towards him. And if he asked Sam about it…I’m not sure Sam would know how to answer, because I don’t think Sam knows why Conrad holds any object permanence in his head, especially during the events of ME1.

After Sam and Kaidan are actually together, jealousy isn’t much of an issue, at least on a serious level. And with Conrad specifically, I think Kaidan would give that a lot of space, and here’s where my feelings come in.

What I think makes Conrad stand out in Shepard’s eyes is that…he’s just a guy. The only thing special about Conrad is that he isn’t special at all. He’s awkward. He’s naïve. He’s in the way. His intentions are good, but he can’t get anything right, because as much as he dreams of being a hero and a soldier and a defender of the galaxy…he’s just a guy.

How many regular people does Shepard ever get to have a conversation with? Not many. And that’s something that actually means quite a lot to Sam.

The in-game conversation you can have with him during ME3 lives in my head rent-free. From a dev perspective, it was a fun easter egg to reward the player who kept pressing the button to see if he had any more dialogue. You get a war asset to reward you for the time-consuming side quests you did way back in ME1. You make jokes about thermal clips. It’s fan service, and I loved all of it. But from Shepard’s perspective…he stops in the middle of a quest to stop a terrorist and save more people to just…shoot the shit with Conrad. And…Shepard doesn’t want to leave the conversation. The conversation ends when Conrad asks you if you have more important things you should be doing. And…yeah. You do.

But imagine how good it feels in those few minutes, to forget how much responsibility you have to the galaxy, how much people are looking up to you, how many lives depend on you, and…have a normal conversation with just some guy. Not a turian Primarch. Not a krogan warlord, or the salarian dalatrass, or the Council, or your squad who know a million and one ways to kill people. For a few minutes, Shepard just gets to make a joke about thermal clips, and see the world through the eyes of someone who doesn’t have to look at the world as a chess board, and decide who has to get sacrificed here to save those people over there. Conrad Verner isn’t special. But what is special is that he lets Shepard also just be some guy instead of Commander Shepard, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

And I think if Kaidan senses how important that respite is, he’d give them as much space and time as he could to just be Ordinary Guys.    

[queen-scribbles]

I saw the post about the big Bioware sale and figured you're a good person to ask since I've seen you posting about Mass Effect/Dragon Age a lot. The games look fun, and I'm a sucker for complex stories with customizable protagonists, but I am a complete weenie about the more, uh, mature stuff when it comes to romance and the 'M' rating keeps scaring me off.

Like I'm over 18 and I'm fine with the violence/drinking/most of the swearing listed with the M rating, but I just get deeply uncomfortable with the other stuff. I'm just weird like that, I guess.

Is it really a lot? Or is there like a skip option, or some kinda setting that'll just have it be a fade-to-black sitch like SWTOR? I won't be too disappointed if there isn't, I kind of expect that really, but I figured it was worth an ask while the sale is on/to keep in mind for the next sale.

I have major social anxiety and am kinda embarrassed about all this, so sorry about the anon-asking. :P

No, no, you're fine, I understand completely. (I can take or leave a lot of the sexier stuff myself) Now I will try to remember romance scenes bc I haven't played some of these games in 4-5 years, and some of the romances I haven't gotten to yet. 😅 (if you don't mind spoilers you can always look up the romance on yt to check for yourself if it goes past your preferences. but if you do wanna avoid spoilers I will do my best) P much all the romances there's only even potentially anything that might be a problem in the Culmination Scene.

(If I got anything wrong anyone please feel free to correct me)

I know in ME1 the romance scene(with Kaidan for f!Shep, Ashley for m!Shep, Liara for either) there's sideview but shadowed nudity for f!Shep/Ashely/Liara(with Arm Strategically Placed to block boobs so all you really see is a little bit of butt) and Kaidan/mShep is shirtless.

ME2.... I think there's 0 nudity and ftb for Garrus, Thane, Tali, and Jack(ftb on tenderness, comes back in to fully-clothed snuggles in bed), Jacob's shirtless, and Miranda you half-unzip her catsuit uniform so you can see her bra. Oh, and there's a mini-romance-y thing with Kelly and she wears something really skimpy if you do that.

ME3... I need to caveat I've only actually gotten through ME3 with my Kaidanmancers + the Jackmancer, but I watched p much all the others on yt to hurt myself. Also it's been a while. I don't thiiiiink there's any full nudity, when it gets to the big sex scene toward the end, the furthest it goes is cuddling/foreplay with underwear still on, then cuts to waking up still just in underwear, and not all the romances get that. Some of them, ah. end prematurely for different reasons, or the romance isn't an actual companion in this game, so there's less content(Kaidan, Ashley, Garrus, Liara, and Tali get the most, since they join the team + have been established longer). There are new m/m and f/f exclusive option in ME3, but it's been long enough I don't rememberrrrrr if there's anything risque for them. I don't think so.

Andromeda I've only done Liam's romance and I don't think there was much in there(you can get him to stop wearing a shirt on the ship about halfway through and there's a makeout session on the couch that ftb). I think Cora's and Jaal's involve male and female shirtlessness, but I'm straight up blanking for the rest of them.

FOR DRAGON AGE

In Origins, the "big scene" for the romances does involve "sexy" movements, but the characters still have on underwear, so no nudity, and tbh with game engine/graphics advances that have been made a lot of people find those scenes cringey/silly more than sexy now. I think you can skip those, maybe, but if you can't there's dialogue after so you can just look away til you hear your chosen sweetie start talking and the conversation takes place fully clothed.

DA2 they did ftb for the four vanilla game romances. Love interest shows up, there's cutscene kissing fully clothed, ftb, wake up in underwear at worst. (Sebastian MY BELOVED is romanceable with a f!Hawke, but since he's a) chaste and b) a DLC companion, there's absolutely no sex scenes with him, you can get chaste married on his friend path and he'll talk about the two of you getting married to reclaim his homeland on his rival path).

DAI is... simultaneously best and worst in this regard lol Josephine and Solas there's nothing. Sera and Cassandra you see boobs and enough leg to hint at full nudity without actually showing it(Sera's might get a little more explicit, it's been longer for her so I don't 100% remember). Dorian's has... full rear nudity, but I think that's it. Blackwall's I don't remember, Cullen and Iron Bull both have scenes where you can tell they're naked, but the Inquisitor or an object is strategically in the way of the naughty bits.

OH AND not romance related, but possibly an issue, there are demons in the DRagon Age canon known as Desire Demons, who look like practically naked purple ladies(they have, like, an even skimpier version of the SWtOR Slave Girl outfit and are fond of caressing themselves seductively). They aren't in DAI, but do show up in the first two games for a few quests.

[monowires]

i fucking love my headcanon mshenko so much. [ESSAY INBOUND LMAO]

it's about shepard, earthborn & sole survivor, wrestling with the strange feeling of enjoying the companionship of another in ME1, even platonically.

it's about him realizing he hasn't ever really had someone have his back, not the way kaidan does, not in the way that it persists beyond the battlefield. it's about both of them practically bleeding alliance, so shepard smothers his developing crush—which, really, initially it'd only been a crush, a passing oh, he's attractive—and finds contentedness in just being kaidan's friend. because that's enough for him, really, it is, because he honestly just considers himself lucky that kaidan is interested in maintaining their friendship beyond active duty.

it's about the way in which shepard carefully trains himself not to overthink every gesture, every lingering shoulder touch or the eye contact that lasts a few seconds too long. because here, kaidan didn't have feelings for shepard, not really, those didn't come until after alchera. the regrets keeping him up at night for reasons he can't quite figure out—losing people is not new to him, it comes with being in the military—but it feels a bit more like he's lost a part of himself, an extension of himself that was seamlessly melded with him, operating fluidly as a whole. and without it, without him, he feels like he's floundering, like he can't manage to steady his feet beneath him.

and when horizon happens—there's an initial warm and subdued joy within shepard when kaidan shows up. but it is quickly replaced by aches, conflicting with one another, the realization that kaidan doesn't trust him anymore, not fully—and he doesn't blame kaidan for this, not even in the slightest, but it's still hard to wrap his head around, hard to truly comprehend. those years he was gone passed in the snap of a finger to him—it hasn't been years, it feels like it was just weeks ago that he was telling kaidan to go, to evacuate the crew. and kaidan doesn't trust him, doesn't trust cerberus—and neither does he, god, he doesn't, not now, not after what he'd witnessed while hunting saren, not after akuze. but shepard doesn't have a choice—owes his life to cerberus, literally, and they're damn well using it to their advantage. it's the selfish yearning for kaidan's companionship, the selfish want for kaidan to join him again even though it'd conflict with his morals—and shepard knows that kaidan is very morally guided, he knows that it's unrealistic and unfair of him to ever want such a thing, but still his heart yearns. it is the very naivety of the human heart that makes him want kaidan's trust, that makes him want kaidan to understand, because he wouldn't do this without reasoning, really, he wouldn't, and he knows that that doesn't negate the fact that he's working for cerberus, but he wants it to.

and watching kaidan walk away on horizon—that'd felt almost as painful as dying, and he finds some cruel irony in it, that his heart had been restarted only for it to be crushed into pieces again, this time seemingly irreparable. he feels it in the way they look at him, the ones that knew kaidan, the ones from before—feels the subtle questions in their eyes, the knowing looks that say they know of his aching heart. it's in the uncomfortable silences between him and joker, it's in the way garrus looks at him almost with pity—and tali has always been empathetic towards him, but she handles him now as if he's fragile, which he very well might be.

and kelly asks him about it, about horizon, and all he can say is that he wished they'd had more time, and what a selfish, selfish want that is. for he has already been given more time, already been given a second chance, and yet still he wants more.

it's about how they find each other again in ME3, after the reapers have descended upon the galaxy, after shepard's every warning came true despite the fact that none heeded them. and shepard hadn't buried his feelings, not even close—but that was just who he was, he avoided the emotions that he couldn't handle, kept himself composed regardless. he can't stop the hope, though, when he realizes that kaidan seems to want to trust him again—but the hope is at constant battle with the ache, the sharpness of kaidan's doubts. kaidan asking if he knows anything about cerberus's behavior, like shepard hadn't cut them off immediately after destroying the collectors, like he hadn't been on house arrest for the past half year—that even though the circumstances don't permit it, the doubts still exist; that's what hurts the most.

even if he understands it, accepts it, it doesn't quite remove the sting.

and it's a desperate sort of need to prove himself to kaidan, because even though it's been months since he destroyed the collector base, he hasn't quite managed to accept the loss of the companionship they'd shared back when fighting saren. and he's willing to try, feelings be damned—he just wants kaidan to not have to glance back at him after he says something, wants the subtle doubts to stop, misses the continuity of his trust.

and then on mars, watching that happen to kaidan had felt worse than watching the normandy split apart in the vacuum of outer space—it's a panic he can't quite quell, which is discomforting, because he has always been efficient at smothering his feelings. always has had to—it comes with being a leader. it's a panic, a terror, a please, no, i've only just got him back, the familiar feeling of the threads slipping through his fingertips.

it's about shepard visiting kaidan at the hospital. telling his unconscious and battered body all of the things he couldn't tell kaidan directly—telling him the truth, because the truth is that he needs kaidan, and he doesn't quite know when that started. perhaps he's lost kaidan too many times, perhaps he's lost too much to ever be okay with losing something else. it haunts him, images of mars, the idea of kaidan dying under his command being enough to distress him to the point of sleeplessness—but god it'd be fitting, wouldn't it, for kaidan to die on the first mission under his watch in years, because shepard can't seem to stop bringing death and destruction everywhere he goes.

but kaidan doesn't die, and for reasons shepard can't ever fathom, he wants to rebuild the bridges, to strengthen their bond. and it's a strange kind of relief to realize that kaidan feels just the same as he does, that he, too, yearns for the safety of their mutual trust. and shepard thinks there's some cosmic humor in the fact that it took one of them dying and the other nearly dying for them to finally realize themselves, but if there has ever been one good thing to come out of the shitstorm he's been wrapped up in for 3 years, it's kaidan.

and that, to shepard, will always be worth it. it'll be worth the time, the anguish, the patience (and lack thereof), the healing, the uncomfortable conversations, the unfamiliarity of emotional vulnerability. it'll be worth it. and shepard finds that love is the one thing that causes him to abandon his usual calculated composure, that overrides the logical thinking he relies on. because, yeah, it's foolish and naive to think this way, but shepard doesn't particularly care. if kaidan is okay, if kaidan is there, then shepard is okay, too—everything else is secondary.

because kaidan has been a constant since everything started—not in that he was constantly there, but in that he's here now, that their trust survived every test thrown at it. and they both find stability in that, they find strength in it, because it is theirs.

[gammaraydeath]

tagged by @milkywayes!! <333

welllll i pretty much always bring garrus with me everywhere so i won't count him for these. wrex!

kasumi and miranda are probably tied here... kasumi's a bit of a glass cannon but her stealth strike is awesome

i only played thru me3 once so no fave... i just went with liara for most missions to balance the squad but i'll be changing it up more for my second playthrough

widow!! i use it to near exclusivity

black widow also exclusively - i always prefer playing sniper in shooters ^^

i've only played infiltrator!! i'm sooo attached to ro rn but maybe in the future i'll come back and make a new shepard and try a different class out

this is harddd... idk if i have a favorite honestly! i do definitely have a least favorite and it's any of the super mountainous ones in me1 that you have to drive around on

oof ilos probably... i wish i could go back and play through that for the first time again for the vigil cutscene

ummmm archangel sorry but i am predictable

gonna waive this one bc i have to play it again to decide!

i'll give you one guess

femshep jack or miranda :(

mako!!!!! duh

personallyyy i don't see the appeal in kaidan i'm sorry :(

i actually like ashley a lot! i feel kind of opposite to most people with the virmire survivor lol

haven't played multiplayer :(

ditto

sr-2 it feels more alive

destroy... sorry my synthetic friends i love u soo much but it's the only choice that makes sense to me

on my first playthrough i was straight paragon but now that i'm going for round two and feel a little more adventurous (and have ro's personality more nailed down) it's more like paragon in 1 and then a renegade creep in 2... my idea is to have it be 50/50 (or close to it) in 3

UMMMM idon't know who to tag i don't really know anybody else on here... 😔 if u wanna do it though then i tag you!! @ me i wanna read other people's !! :)

[yellingaboutmasseffect]

Artemis Shepard for @spookyvalentine​ ‘s Shepard questions . Answers below the cut

1. Why did Shepard enlist? Any regrets?

Artemis enlisted because her grandfather, who took her in after her family was killed on Mindoir, fell when she was 17 and never recovered. He died shortly before she turned 18 and she enlisted so she would have income to keep her grandfather’s house and land in the Yukon instead of selling it.

There are definitely some regrets as she hasn’t even been back home to the place she did this for since she enlisted but there was always some mission that needed her…

2. How does your Shepard feel about having a yeoman assigned to them in 2? And in 3?

Shepard is polite but doesn’t reveal too much to Kelly because she doesn’t trust her not to tell TIM things but she does appreciate someone who can help with paperwork and emails.

With Samantha, Artemis likes her a lot and does what she can to help ease her into life on the Normandy despite how busy everything is. They bond over growing up on colonies and competitiveness when it comes to games. When Samantha shoots her shot, Artemis lets her down easy but they quickly slip back into friendship.

3. What’s their relationship with Anderson?

Artemis looks up to him a lot. Her life really changed for the better when she was assigned under him even if that’s something she didn’t realize at first. He’s her mentor and definitely the closest she has to family at the start of ME1 before that found family starts growing but I don’t think she really processes how important Anderson is to her until ME3.

4. Is your Shepard any good at poker?

To the dismay of everyone, yes.

5. How well does Shepard know their crew? Not just the companions, but the folks making up the Normandy

Artemis is polite and friendly to everyone so people don’t tend to catch on to that emotional repression that she has going on. As a result, while the other crew that make up the SR-1 Normandy would have good things to say about her they don’t really know her. That changes a bit with the SR-2 with Donnolley and Daniels and Lia’vael (a quarian she invites to join the crew) but especially during the course of ME3 since she’s really trying to be more open with people.

6. Initial reaction to EDI? Does it change?

I feel my Shepard always treated EDI with respect but she’s not in the best place mentally at the start of ME2 so she is a bit curt with EDI in the early ME2 stuff I have written but she’s pretty short with everyone including Joker. From talking with Tali, she already had opinions about how fledgling AI shouldn’t be treated as disposable so she thanks EDI when she brings her insights and grows to trust her even more after an incident where she isn’t free of her shackles but still tries to help within the parameters she had. 

She fully supports EDI being unshackled and EDI growing as she explores what that freedom means to her.

7. Does their love interest move into their quarters?

Artemis and Kaidan never get to that point before he dies on Virmire as they were trying to follow the rules.

Garrus actually ended up moving into Artemis’s room before they started dating because they’re both a mess emotionally when she picks him up off Omega. After she has a bad panic attack and they have both of their good night sleep after he camps out in her room, Artemis invites him to move in, which he accepts. When they start dating he moves from the cot to the bed.

Artemis also invites Tali to move in with her and Garrus (who aren’t dating at that point) because she knows how Tali feels about Cerberus. Tali, however, gets flustered and refuses but does move in when she dates both of them.

Both Garrus and Tali immediately move back in once they are recruited in ME3.

Liara never moves into the room as she needs her equipment for Shadowbroker business at all hours. Artemis and her usually use her room when they spend time with just the two of them but sometimes, when things are especially tough, Liara goes up to Shepard’s room so she isn’t alone. While she’s not dating Garrus and Tali, they do have a strong metamour relationship.

8. What is their reaction to the Alchera mission? And after?

Artemis had trepidation about going to Alchera and put it off but thought it would clear her head when she went. While it provided some closure, it made her realize that she needed to go to Mindior to get closure before they did the run on the Collector Base.

9. What type of fighter is your shepard? Do they fight with honor, or do they fight dirty

Artemis is a versatile fighter good at long range with her sniper rifle or up close, often sneaking in for the final blow with her omniblade.

Shepard is not above fighting dirty as an infiltrator but she does honor any surrenders or honest attempts at negotiation. 

10. Does Shepard keep any pets? The hamster, fish, something else?

Artemis gets the fish with her room in me2 so she takes care of them but isn’t as attached to them as her hamster. She wanted a hamster as a kid and Garrus talked her into it. Garrus and Shepard build a large enclosure for Boo the hamster that is screwed into the wall. (Garrus doesn’t get it at all but it’s something she voiced actually wanting so he was quick to encourage it)

In ME3, Artemis pack bonds with Sophie the Fenris mech. It’s not uncommon to see Shepard make her rounds with the robot dog following her. Boo is also recovered shortly after she comes back on the Normandy and is spoiled to make up for his ordeal.

Post ME3 I feel she’d get a horse and a cat that’s really more Garrus’s cat.

11. What order does Shepard pick up companions in me2?

Jacob, Miranda, (Kai Leng but not as a full squadmate but someone she has to do Cerberus missions with), Zaeed, Garrus, Mordin, Grunt, Kasumi, Jack, Tali, Thane, and Samara

12. Does Shepard have any nicknames? What do they think of em?

Her grandfather called her Arti which made her bristle at first but she has fond memories of him and the nickname but it’s not one she tells other people to call her.

Beyond that, does Shepard count as a nickname? She went exclusively by her last name (only telling Kaidan, who she was dating at the time, and Ashely that they could call her by her first name in private moments) until ME2 when she started regretting putting up that distance between herself and people she trusted with her life. By ME3, she’s much more open with people using her first name but still uses her last name in the field.

13. How does your Shep react to teasing/ribbing?

She acts more flustered by the teasing than she actually is. She knows that the perception is that she tends to succeed at a lot of things so if they tease her about her dancing or her driving of the Mako, she’ll let them have it and can tease right back.

14. Any good at flirting?

Yes and no. As an infiltrator, she was trained in how to read people and adapt to interacting with them to get them to do what she wants. However, that does leave her awkward at flirting when she means it and she’s not sure they like her back. She’ll flirt and second guess herself and even if they like her back. 

In an established relationship she is pretty good but still a dork.

15. What colors does Shepard prefer for their armor?

She has the black with the red and white stripes on the arm but also has blue stripes down the front that match her eyeliner.

16. Is Shepard a drinker? History of other substances? Do they struggle with sobriety

Artemis got shitfaced as a young teen in an attempt to rile her grandfather up since she was convinced he was just pretending to be patient with her. The incident left her with a bad first impression of alcohol so she socially drinks but doesn’t seek it out. 

She did attempt to get drunk at the beginning of me2 as a maladaptive coping mechanism to what she was going through but found she couldn’t. Things probably would not have gone well if she was able to though…

17. How does Shepard react to attention? Do they enjoy it?

Her grandfather shielded her from the post Mindoir attention so she really only has the experience of attention from her military actions post Elysium. She takes it in stride but doesn’t really seek it out. 

She does enjoy it if it comes from someone that she finds interesting.

18. Who’s the dream team? Which companions does Shepard fight best with and why?

Tali, Garrus, and Ashley are probably the dream team for Artemis. I think they all know each other’s capabilities really well to the point where the combat would seem effortless.

Honorable mentions to Wrex, Liara, Thane, Miranda, Kasumi

19. Are there any companions your Shepard just absolutely cannot vibe with or relate to

I feel that would be Zaeed and Javik. For both of them, they end up with a healthy respect and what’s probably friendship but none of them would call it that by name. Post ME3 I think Javik and Artemis would get closer due to him being one of the Squadmates helping with her recovery because he can’t leave but he is the kind of the weird Cryptid Vegeta like person who is part of the family.

Since I listed Kai Leng as a pseudo squadmate above, he definitely counts. She hates him.

20. Does Shepard enjoy looking for resources and upgrading gear, or do they see it as a chore?

Upgrading gear is something she loves doing and enjoys getting gear or mods that people on her squad want or may like.

Scanning planets though? She has EDI take over that job because she finds it way too repetitive.

21. Do you have any AUs for your shepard?

Same Song Different Verse - Shepard never joined the Alliance and is a guide in the Yukon who comes across a stranded Spectre, Garrus Vakarian.

Also wrote some stuff for what if @seealandraw​ ‘s Clone Shepard somehow got punted off the Normandy and back at the start of the Reaper Invasion of Earth. Only he isn’t in his world but one where Artemis is the Shepard and he wants to kill her because he thinks she’s like the Renegade Shepard from his world, Miles Shepard.

There is also stuff I wrote down while I had inspiration but isn’t entirely fleshed out

I had an AU where Artemis is brought back without her memories and TIM decides to basically fill in those blanks with his beliefs and introduces her to Kai Leng. So when she goes to pick up Archangel on Omega, Garrus knows she’s completely off but decides to pretend he’s cool with it until he can find a way to help her remember herself.

I also started writing a little bit of a “What if Shepard did get indoctrinated by the incident with Arrival DLC but is only able to fight it long enough to turn herself into the alliance, then break out and be turned into the Harbinger of the Reaper Invasion leaving her friends and crew to fight the Reaper War and her” but that’s the bad end au so a bit hard to sit down to write XD

22. What’s the last thing Shepard ate before the final reaper showdown?

I feel with everything ramping up before Citadel DLC, Shepard’s partner stocked up on human snacks to ensure they could get something in her as she’s making preparations so probably some of that.

24. Who does Shepard turn to for advice? For comfort? Who do they like to gossip with

Advice: Joker (they both find this weird), Samara, Miranda later into me2, Kasumi when it comes to losing someone you loved

Comfort: Thane, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Ashley, Kaidan

Gossip: Mordin, Kasumi, Chakwas, James Vega, I haven’t written yet but I feel Khalisah would fall here too since I headcanon she’s the embedded reporter in ME3

25. How emotionally articulate is your Shepard? Do they emote well?

Artemis is able to read people really well but is pretty emotionally repressed herself but in the “friend who always listens to you and doesn’t really share much about herself” kind of way so it takes her friends a while to really catch on to that because she is expressive and listens.

26. Does your Shepard have a romance? Who are they, and what drew Shep to them?

Okay here we go.

I headcanon that Kaidan had been serving on the Normandy before the mission for Eden Prime so he was already friends with Joker and Artemis. She was drawn to Kaidan due to his steadiness and how kind he was. She also thought his deadpan delivery was hilarious. There is also this moment where Kaidan realizes that Artemis isn’t as well put together as he thought but he was willing to support her as she started to work through what she wanted for herself. They don’t get physically intimate or really official before Virmire happened but Artemis still considers it a significant relationship.

I don’t think anyone would have thought that Artemis and Garrus would have gotten together on the SR-1, least of all, Artemis or Garrus. She tells him off for taking the risky headshot in the clinic and even grounds him from missions for awhile for starting shit with Tali about her people while they were all trapped in an elevator. She pushes him to do better and challenges his worldview but Garrus responds to the fact she’s not dismissing his concerns just asking him to consider how what he does affects people. She likes the fact that Garrus does care a lot and how skilled he is which is why she takes the time to foster his potential. When he goes back to C-Sec after they save the Citadel, they keep in touch through messages as friends before she died. When Artemis finds him on Omega in ME2, they’re both a mess and really lean on each other. He’s also the first one on the ship to acknowledge the weird things about her from Cerberus bringing her back instead of ignoring it which makes her feel less like she’s crazy. Neither of them really saw it coming but they just settled into this rhythm with each other. 

Tali was smitten with Shepard immediately as she fit the image of the daring and charming space captain. It takes awhile for her to see past that initial idealized view but she’s the first on the squad after Kaidan to realize that Shepard is a person and not just this larger than life figure. While falling in love with Garrus was a slow thing, Artemis fell for Tali hard upon seeing her again on Haestrom or at least it felt like falling hard. It was the small moments that just came together like the way that Tali would call her out on her habit of putting the mission before herself, how Tali been the one to realize that someone should check on her after Virmire, or how Tali had also offered to take her away after realizing Artemis was freaked the fuck out on Freedom’s Progress. Artemis loves how feisty and brilliant Tali is but she also is drawn to how Tali seems to realize when she needs to be called out on things or needs someone to lean on despite the strong front she’s putting on. Artemis was also relieved when Garrus and Tali were not only open to being in a polyamorous relationship with her but also acted on their feelings for each other.

Liara falls for Shepard pretty hard during the Saren mission. There is a bit of spark there for Artemis as well as they talk a lot while Liara is recovering and getting her bearings on the ship about Liara’s work. Artemis likes that Liara is driven and goes for what she wants but does turn her down when Liara confesses because not only had she decided to pursue Kaidan but also she personally didn’t feel right pursuing something with someone the Council held her responsible for watching. Things are strained between them in ME2 when Artemis finds out that Liara gave her body to Cerberus AND didn’t contact her despite knowing she was alive. They reconcile throughout the events of the Lair of Shadowbroker and decide to get to know each other again. They exchange messages throughout ME2 and when Liara asks if they can try dating right before Shepard turns herself in. After some polyamorous negiotions, they date throughout me3.

27. Do they have any pet peeves?

When people underestimate her or think she isn’t capable of doing something. Which can be bad when people are just concerned about her. 

Jacob’s totally wrong people reading skills also drove her up a wall but she takes him on Zaeed’s loyalty mission to show him that she was right about her suspicions about Zaeed hiding something. Jacob trusts her instincts more and she teaches him how to read people better which helps when he is helping Cerberus defectors after me2.

28. What about hyperfixations? What’s the topic that will get Shepard rolling no matter the person or place

I feel she could go on for hours for sniper rifles and the tech she uses as she takes pride in it. If someone gets close enough to know to ask, she could probably talk about Earth animals native to the Yukon a lot.

29. How active is Shepard? Are they hitting the gym, playing sports, or do they prefer quieter downtime?

I feel Artemis does the gym stuff as necessary but would enjoy doing jogs or runs if she could do it outside. Since you can’t do that on a ship she does prefer hanging out with the squad mates or taking quiet time for herself.

She does enjoy sparring too.

30. What will always make them laugh?

I feel Garrus and Artemis know each other so well that he knows what to say to cheer her up.

31. Who can always make them laugh?

I am going to focus on the ones that are more surprising. 

I think people wouldn’t expect Joker but the two of them vibe because neither of them really cared about each other’s reputations. Thane is another person people might not expect but she enjoys his dry and weird sense of humor. Post ME3, there is a period of time Javik is helping with Shepard’s and I feel him being blunt about shit would probably get her to laugh with hospital staff, Alliance or council official visitors tip toeing around things.

32. What do they do when they have hit their limit angry, just incandescent with rage

Artemis spent a lot of time after Mindoir just angry and lashing out. As a result she tries to not get to that point, usually exhaling as she takes a moment to calm down. 

ME2 though fucks her up because the renegade scars are tied to negative emotions like anger. So a good portion of me2 has her really repressing her anger to avoid her face lighting up and splitting and she doesn’t trust anyone to look at it. It doesn’t end well. 

Slavers though get her incredibly angry as does the older brother from Overlord DLC. She only doesn’t kill the older brother because his younger brother was present but slavers don’t get that mercy.

33. What skills do they have that are a surprise to the people around them?

She can dance, she just can’t dance to future club music. Turn on cumbia and she can dance just fine and even lead. 

34. Got any tattoos?

She wanted tattoos and would have gotten some as part of her rebellious teenage phase if she had the chance. However, she never did but I feel during Citadel DLC she asks Jack to take her to get a tattoo and she gets a seashell on a beach for Mordin, Thane, and people she’s lost since she remembers this ocean from when she was dead…

35. Which companions have they lost? How do they cope with it?

Artemis lost Kaidan which was difficult because they had planned to start a relationship after going after Saren. Ashley really helped her through that.

Losing Mordin was hard but it was what he wanted so there was some solace there. Following it up with losing Thane to Kai Leng made it worse. She was very close to Thane and considered him one of her closest friends. Garrus was also close to Thane so they help each other through it.

Legion was also hard but Artemis questions if they’d consider themselves dead or living on through the Geth as part of their upgraded programming. They’re still gone but she considers it bittersweet.

36. Do they like to style their hair, wear makeup and jewelry? How do they feel about getting dressed up?

Since joining the Alliance, she’s kept her hair cut short for ease. She wears blue eyeliner as part of her commander persona but also is a bit of her infiltrator training coming through. While people know what the Commander Shepard looks like, in a pinch she could take off her eyeliner, part her hair differently, grab some clothes and slip into the crowd. For jewelry, she wears her dog tags but also a holo locket she keeps on the same chain.

She loves getting dressed up and doing her makeup for missions from when she was an infiltrator. Despite not doing solo work since being assigned under Anderson, she does love the opportunity when she gets the chance to get fancy. 

37. Got any bad habits?

Not asking for help when she needs it. She also doesn’t like doing paperwork at her desk which would be way more organized of an experience instead of doing that work in random places on the Normandy.

38. Does Shepard do any activities with the companions and crew during downtime?

Artemis hangs out with companions and crew when she’s not working. On the ME1, Tali introduces a hacking game from the flotilla that becomes a thing all the technical minded companions get really into (Wrex and Ash are too jock for it). She’ll also join in on card games with the crew.

39. Do they keep around any sentimental items?

Her big one is the holo locket she’s had since she was a kid. It has pictures of her family, her grandfather and she adds group photos of the Normandy teams. It’s also something she stims with by moving it along the chain it’s on. When she is told it wasn’t found with her body in me2 she was devastated. Liara returns it to her when they first meet on Ilium since it was found with her dog tags.

40. Does your Shepard actually like to collect model ships? If not, what do they display?

She does. In ME2, She finds an unopened model ship kit and finds that she really enjoys putting them together. Thus begins her collection. She is a weirdo and treats it like a puzzle instead of following the directions which takes longer but she enjoys challenges.

41. How is Shepard with a gun? What about hand to hand?

She is very good at both preferring sniper rifles or pistols for her guns and will utilize the omni-blade to end hand to hand confrontations.

42. Favorite weapon?

Her widow rifle. I headcanon that she does have a heavily modified one that that the Alliance pulled strings to get and make light enough for her to use me1. 

43. Which version of the Normandy do they like best?

SR-2 but she has good memories of the SR-1. She sometimes wishes that the area that was Kaidan’s work station area was something more private than a kitchen but he’d probably like that it isn’t somewhere she could have holed up in.

44. Do they like to rotate out companions for quests? Who do they bring the most?

Yes and probably Garrus over the course of the trilogy due to when you recruit certain squadmates.

45. Do they approve of curing the genophage?

Yes. Wrex makes Artemis more aware of the true nature of the genophage as something that doesn’t just cause birth rates to be lower but also causes stillbirths if pregnancy does occur. She does not consider the Dalatrass’s offer.

46. Does Shepard allow the rachni to live in me1?

Yes, after talking to Wrex about the Genophage, she is very much aware of the kind of power she is working for under the Council. She has no interest in killing an entire race and was happy when the asari passed on word in me2 that the Queen was doing alright and how they helped her.

47. Does Shepard practice any kind of self-care?

Artemis was so bad at this but gets slowly better at it through the course of the events of the trilogy.

48. What abilities do they rely on the most in a fight?

AI hacking, Disruptor Ammo, and her beloved tactical cloak.

49. What is Shepard’s happy ending? What’s the dream that keeps em going

She wants to go back home and retire with the people she loves. It felt nebulous and impossible but it’s the thing that drives her to keep going when things are at their worst during the Reaper War.

50. Is your Shepard indoctrinated

Well, she’s certainly not unscathed by all the Reaper stuff she’s been in contact with or the Collectors glowing while they’re pointing and shouting Harbinger’s propaganda….

(+1: what does Shepard smell like?)

I imagine she smells like the Normandy, gun oil, and her shampoo which I imagine would be a nice clean scent like fresh linen or bath and body works sea island cotton.

When she was on Earth or back on Mindoir, I imagine she smelled like sunshine and local plants (pine on Earth) from being outside so much.

[bylightofdawn]

I finished my replay of ME1 as m!Shep and have started ME2 and I realized suddenly just how traumatic losing Shepard would have been for people like Kaidan and Joker. Shepard literally ordered Kaidan to evacuate and save himself and as many people as he could.

Like, that long look Shepard gives Kaidan is laced through with SO MUCH feeling, it literally took my breath away. I feel like they were trying to convey so much to him without saying a word because they knew they probably weren't making it out of there. But they trusted Kaidan to get as many people to safety as possible...including himself, something I feel like was paramount to Shepard.

They literally dragged Joker out of the cockpit and shoved him into a life boat before they was sucked out into space and they had to live with that knowledge that they for all intents and purposes suffocated to death floating into space to never be recovered again.

That is horrific and the survivor’s guild would be real. So cut to two years later and Kaidan is clearly more hardened and angry than he was in ME1. You see this multiple times in both ME2 and ME3. He’s lost that soft boy sunny optimism in a lot of ways.

It’s still there but it’s tempered and less effusive than it was before and I think that is because of the trauma he faced losing Shepard and then having to learn to live in a world without them in it. Yes, the romance option is only available for f!Shep which I honestly feel was a fucking crime in the Legendary edition and should have been retroactively corrected. The mods are OUT THERE to romance Kaidan as a m!Shep.

But let’s toss genders out and just go with the idea that he’s been in love with Shepard since ME1 and then he loses this person. Only for SOMEONE to pop up suddenly not only claiming to be Shepard but to be working for Cerberus. A human-centrist terrorist organization known to do horrific things. Things that Kaidan has seen first hand.

Of course he’s going to be mistrustful and angry at Shepard. He doesn’t even know if this IS Shepard or if they are a clone, someone whose been surgically altered to be them who is tainting Shepard’s legacy by parading around with the very group Shepard would have fought against.

So yeah, it kinda paints their interaction with Horizon and even into the beginnings of ME3 in a whole different light.

I’m not saying it doesn’t excuse his behavior or the shit he pulls. He is still an unbelievable shithead in the Horizon mission but I sorta understand where he is coming from there. Because Kaidan is loyal right down to his very core. And Shepard just suddenly asked him to turn his back on the Alliance, something he’s dedicated his life to in order to join up with a bunch of people who are terrorists in his eyes.

He’s simply not morally flexible enough to see the gray area to be found in Shepard’s mission in ME2. It’s part of what makes him more than a little insufferable and something even he lampshades in ME3.

Meanwhile you have Garrus who is a bastion of moral flexibility and willingness to do the dirty business that needs to be gone in order to accomplish the mission and you have Tali who has no loyalty or love for the Alliance or even for the Council I would argue.

She joins up because it’s Shepard who is asking and that’s enough for her.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’ve been judging Kaidan too harshly after my first playthrough and I’m kinda excited to approach ME2 and the emotional pain I’m going to go through on the Horizon mission with a fresh perspective.

I’m not defending him and I completely understand why people find him insufferable. I’ll NEVER play through a version of ME where I don’t save Ashley so I do not know what her interactions are in ME2 or ME3. But since I’m on record saying she is the literal worst, I’m certain it is 100% more infuriating than dealing with Kaidan’s intransigent inability to bend in any way.

But maybe I feel a little less firm in choosing Garrus on my f!Shep run through. And I am 1000% gonna pursue him on my m!Shep playthrough.

I’m so sorry for the people who are following me for Star Wars content. Not that I’m actively contributing in any way, mind you. But I guess I’m still on my Mass Effect kick. One say soon, I’m hoping to get back into writing and actually contribute shit because I am still into Star Wars, it will always be a ‘home’ fandom for me. One that I will return to because it’s so ingrained into my very soul that I cannot picture my life without it in it.

But forgive me my new shiny toy as I gush over this somewhat flawed series. One say, hopefully soon, my writing muse will come back and I can continue on with the fics I’ve been writing off and on the past year or two.

[thatswhatsushesaid]

not a head cannon question exactly, but who did you romance across the bioware games (mass effect and DA)? and who do you wish you could romance?

oh damn this is a good one, and the answer for dragon age is literally everyone at least once lmao. I played the games with a small armada of wardens, hawkes, and then a smaller number of inquisitors, because I just was not as into dragon age inquisition as I was da:o and da2. but if you made me choose my favourite romance option for each individual game, then I'm going to be horribly predictable about it: morrigan narrowly beats zevran out as my favourite origins romance (like by the thinnest of possible margins, mind you, they might as well be tied); in da2 I am absolutely trash for anders, tho I have watched playthroughs of his romance with lady hawke and do not vibe with it as much as I do with dude hawke; annnnd in inquisition, yeah, I love the egg elf ok. he's horrible and arrogant and condescending and I love him, and also my lavellan low key wants to kill him now, so maybe I don't romance him properly lol

in terms of who I wish I could have romanced in dragon age, oh hell, who doesn't want to romance varric? but also since I loved the awakening expansion, I absolutely would have thrown myself off a cliff for the legion of the dead companion that game gives us, sigrun, and maybe I wrote a few little stories about her with my lady aeducan warden!! just a few, more like drabbles honestly. anyway I hope we see her again even if she isn't romanceable.

for mass effect, I have romanced all the original me1 squadmates and don't feel particularly wow'd by any of them because I am ride or die for both garrus vakarian and tali'zorah until the end of time 🙌 back when I still played the games on pc I specifically modded my game to make tali romanceable by female shepard and still am annoyed over 10 years out that she and garrus are apparently down to fuck aliens but they draw the line at being gay about it. anyway tl;dr I tried to romance other squadmates in the original trilogy, i really did, but even tho kaidan and male shepard do have a sweet arc in me3 and I found the payoff for romancing miranda successfully from me2 into me3 compelling (her carmen san diego energy is very sexy), I just. I know the type of trash I am, and I am trash for relationships between people who derive transparent joy from each other's company, have each other's backs even when they disagree with each other, and also who need help from a doctor when it comes time to fuck because they come from different planets and might accidentally poison each other if they 'ingest.'

....shit I actually forgot that mass effect andromeda existed for a moment but that doesn't really change my answer much lmao. I romanced vetra but uh, hand to god I can't remember much else about the game because it didn't really do much for me, so I don't know if there's anyone else I really *wish* I could have romanced.

[coraniaid]

Top 5 Mass Effect characters

Going with my gut and trying not to think too hard about it:

1) Legion

I love Legion in Mass Effect 2.  More broadly, I love what Mass Effect 2 does for the geth. 

In the first game it feels a bit too obvious that the geth exist to be disposable cannon fodder which the player can mow down without guilt.  Which … okay, yeah, they do.  But somehow by the end of the sequel they’ve been reimagined as something more than that.  As – I’d argue – the only really 'alien' aliens in the whole galaxy.  

I love that multiple geth processes can exist in a single body, and that they all share memories and experiences with each other all the time in order to understand each other better.  I love that instead of being some sort of scary sci-fi hive mind they are shown as being naturally trusting and cooperative, and how baffled they are by the fact that organic life isn't like that.  I love the way that Legion gets defensive when you ask them about the bit of Shepard's armor they used to repair themselves.  I love their silly little dance when they think nobody's watching.  I love the way Legion will defend the geth way of looking at the universe and tell the player not to anthropomorphize them or think of them as lacking something because they don't use "I" as a  pronoun.

And then Mass Effect 3 throws all of that out the window (or, uh, whatever it is that geth use instead of windows) so that Legion can Have A Soul.  Oh well.

2) Urdnot Wrex

Yeah, the krogan are basically just generic Klingons knock-offs and their society and history doesn’t really make much sense.  But, whatever: I like Wrex a lot.  I like the fact he doesn’t much like you in the first game.  And I like the fact that his opinion on you will slowly improve until, when you meet him again on Tuchanka in the second game, he's the only person from your old crew who genuinely and uncomplicatedly seems pleased to see you. ("Shepard! My friend!")

Unless, uh, you mess up and get him shot on Virmire, which I might have done once or twice.

I also think it's very funny that Wrex's loyalty mission in ME1 is this big hunt for his grandfather's old armor, and if you somehow stumble into possession of it without having recruited him the game strongly hints that Wrex would have had something important to say about it. Only, when you find it properly, and Wrex is alive and on board the ship, he just tells you that yeah, it's really old now so, of course, it's not very good or valuable anymore.  And that's the last you ever hear of it.

(It's similar to that bit in the original Dragon Age when you can heroically turn down the offer of gold for a villager's old sword you borrowed, only instead of giving you an alternative reward like some sort of reputational boost, the game just has the villagers shrug and not give you anything and never mention it again.)

3) Jack

My favorite Mass Effect 2 crewmate and one of the few characters introduced in ME2 whose story gets a fairly decent resolution in the third game.  

Yes, it would have been nice to have Jack back on the Normandy, but it makes sense for her that she doesn't come back.  She gets to be somebody who other people look up to and to protect younger biotics like herself, and that’s a really good place for her to be.

Choosing Jack as the biotic specialist for the Long Walk section of the final assault on the Collector Base after completing her loyalty mission gives her arc in her first appearance a nice conclusion too.  I think that’s one of the choices I always make (except when I’m deliberately trying to have the mission go badly for angst reasons, anyway), along with picking Miranda to lead the other team.  Just feels the way that things are meant to go.

4) Mordin Solus

The other character introduced in ME2 whose story gets a decent resolution in the third game.  (Honestly, the whole Tuchanka/genophage part of ME3 is so much better than the rest of the game it’s a little bewildering to think about.)

I almost always recruit Mordin first (sorry Garrus!) and I think the mission to go and get him is the point when ME2 really starts to properly work.  The new Normandy doesn’t feel like home until I can go and irritate Mordin while he’s working away in his lab.  I like the distintice clipped speech pattern Mordin effects -- I think it fits really well with the whole salaran short lifespan thing -- and I like Mordin’s loyalty mission and his attempt to turn you down gently if he thinks you’re interested in him romantically.  

(I don’t actually ever take Mordin with me in my squad though, outside of that loyality mission, because he’s kind of rubbish in a fight.)

Plus, he sings comic operas on request.  How many mad scientist war criminals can say that?

5) Liara T’Soni

I really like the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC and I think it’s probably the highlight of the series.  And the slightly strained relationship Shepard has with Liara by this point is definitely a key part of that (“I’m fine, by the way.  Thanks for asking.”) So yeah, I like Liara too.

My semi-controversial(?) Mass Effect take is that I would probably like the games better if, instead of giving you the usual Bioware option of romancing half the crew, the games just forced you to choose the Liara romance option every time. It always feels, to me, that that’s what the writers really want me to choose anyway.  Does any other character give you so many options to change your mind about after initially rejecting?  Is any other character so obviously still in love with Shepard even if you picked a different romance option?  But I’m aware I’m probably not playing the games for quite the same reason most people are.

Oh, also, Liara is hilariously overpowered in ME1.  The final part of the game is just a completely different experience with her in your party, especially if you’ve also made Shepard an Adept.  Which doesn’t quite gel with the story the game is trying to tell. “I’m just a shy young archaeologist who doesn’t like explosions”, Liara assures you, while effortlessly hurling yet another krogan battlemaster screaming into the void of space with nothing but the power of her mind. 

[serabellyms]

✦ Thoughts on duplicates following you?     ⤷ @firstkeptdaughter

In general: I don't mind duplicates, although I find it depends on the muse whether I'm okay interacting with that character or not. In general, I'm fine with duplicates (, though some duplicates I just won't write with or won't engage with. Truthfully, the only duplicates you'll never see me writing with are Sakura Haruno and Ashley Williams, and this is purely because of any muses on my multi, these two are hands-down the most deeply developed, and those portrayals are very dear to me on a more personal level/are characters that I resonate with on a deeper level.

If someone has them on a multi and writes them, I'm not bothered by that muse being in my space/on my dash/written by them, but I don't have any desire to write with those particular muses (partly because I do feel I'm biased to my own interpretation of them because I've put so much work into them, so it becomes hard to separate those interpretations in threads). Now, if a single-muse blog of that character wanted to follow and just interact OOC/send headcanon asks/generally vibe because we love the same character, I'm cool with that (I may or may not follow back, purely for dash cleanliness, but as long as they reach out to me and clarify that, it's totally fine) but it's not likely I'd follow back and I wouldn't accept any in-character interactions.

There is, however, one caveat I have with duplicates, and it's something I think most people can understand is a concern (under the cut):

My biggest concern with duplicates is headcanons. Specifically, unique headcanons or headcanons that are unique to my portrayal (or AUs unique to my portrayal) being used without my permission for their portrayal of the muse. It's one thing to have an AU that's similar (ex. to use Miranda as an example since that's a muse that applies to you/the person who asked the question: adding a ME1 squadmate or modern AU to your Miranda portrayal is fine, so long as there's clear and distinct differences, ex. she might be Alliance but the reasons might be different and to me that's fine, etc etc) but something else to completely and totally copy someone else's work. While I haven't had this personally happen to my muses, there's a certain train of thought I often put into my own portrayals, and while it's understandable to have some headcanons that are similar because they're built on canonical information, it's a different scenario to have the exact same or too similar of an interpretation of something.

For example, since Ashley is one of my muses with a lot of headcanons: it's not a stretch for another mun to say Ashley writes poetry, because she talks at length about her love for poetry. However, something like my delving into why Ashley's appearance changed so drastically from ME2 to ME3 and incorporating the change between the Sirta white and pink armour being her aesthetic (shown in her CE colours of her casual outfit) vs the blue we see her in (her ME3 default casual outfit, her new blue armour)... that, to me, is a unique headcanon (the fact that I add in that it's Kaidan's death that drives her to wear blue as a colour and why she chose the colour blue) that's distinct to my portrayal, and I'd be upset if someone copied/used that headcanon for their own portrayal without, at the very least, talking to me first. Sometimes someone else comes up with something that you like, and that's okay! I wouldn't mind if someone asked if they could also apply that to their own portrayal, and depending on the headcanon I might either allow it (so long as they point to me and say, hey, this person came up with it, I'm adapting it for mine with their permission), or politely decline depending on the nature of the headcanon (ex. Ashley's armour would be one I'd decline, as it not only is very in-depth, but also includes textures that I custom-edited myself for my own portrayal of her).

That being said: I believe it's up to me as the person with the headcanon to decide whether someone else's headcanon is too similar to one I have, not the community's job. If I don't feel like it's too close or copied mine too closely, then the rest of the community ought to keep their traps shut about it. People are going to have similar ideas. People are going to look at a portrayal and go, "oh, that's cool, that's interesting, maybe I can come up with something similar", and I think it's okay to be inspired by other writers.

That being said, if you're not sure, ask. And if you're the person being asked, understand that the person asking was inspired by your creativity, and loved your creativity enough that they came to you about it. Be proud that YOUR hard work was inspirational to someone else. And none of us in the RPC can't go about saying we haven't been similarly inspired by other works. It's the nature of human creativity. LITERALLY NO ONE can sit there and say they haven't been inspired by a piece of media ever in their life, whether that be a game, a book, a show, a movie, a comic, ANYTHING. Especially if you write canon muses. That canon muse was inspirational and impactful enough that they mean something to you. Remember that.

[dragonflight203]

Mass Effect 2 replay, Zaeed’s loyalty mission:

-Now’s a good time to contrast Kasumi and Zaeed.

They’re both DLC companions. Kasumi is paragon aligned, Zaeed is renegade aligned.

This is reflected in their loyalty missions – Kasumi’s is to infiltrate the scum of humanity to retrieve the memento of her murdered lover.

Zaeed sets fire to a refinery full of innocent people he was hired to save so he can pursue revenge.

-What’s most notable here is Bioware breaking from the dichotomy of male paragon/female renegade that they’ve had with prior pairs of human companions.*

As others may have raised, it’s possible that with the prior human companions the assumption was women were more likely play paragon, so their love interest (Kaidan, Jacob) should be paragon as well.

Men were assumed more likely to play renegade, so they’re love interests should correspondingly be renegade (Ashley, Miranda). Jack can also be thrown in here, although she’s not paired with another male human.

Since neither Kasumi nor Zaeed are love interests, they’re not obligated to follow the established pattern.

*I’m not including Liara, Garrus, or Thane in this discussion as they’re non-human. However, it would be interesting to dive into more detail about how mshep in ME1 has a paragon and renegade love interest, but femshep only has paragon love interests.

-Ah, the joys of planet scanning in ME2. It makes me wish I played on PC so I could install the mode that retrieves all minerals with one probe.

-Blue Suns are essentially the de facto government of Zorya as well.

Between this and Omega, I take it they’re a mercenary group aspiring to go into politics.

-Zorya looks like your average forest.

While I love that the quests in ME2 have unique environments, I mourn how all the worlds are very Earth like.

ME1 had many unique, alien settings. ME2 settings typically look like they could take place somewhere on Earth.

-Aaand it has pyjacks. I think by the end of ME2 they can be considered as invasive a species as tribbles.

Also, pyjacks are definitely what the food stall on Omega was selling. But how did it find pyjacks so big? Many were human sized; the in game model is a small monkey.

-It’s obvious the loyalty missions were not designed with a second companion in mind. In some the second companion has only one or two lines, in others none.

I took Garrus with me the first time I did Zaeed’s loyalty mission. Do you really think Garrus would remain silent as Zaeed talks about being betrayed by his men? Or that Mordin would be chill with leaving the refinery works to burn to death?

I wonder if at one point the assumption was the loyalty missions would only be you and the squad member, but later in development they let you take another companion to keep the fights more manageable.

-As numerous others have said, Zaeed and another human starting a galactic wide mercenary group twenty years ago, less than a decade after first contact, is ridiculous.

For the sake of my sanity, I will treat this like humans creating medi-gel. Zaeed and Vido started a chapter of the Blue Suns together. Maybe the first human chapter, and that’s why it’s so notable.

(I also have issues with the fact that all three notable mercenary groups in ME2 and ME3 were started quite recently in the Mass Effect timeline, but we’ll come back to that when we get all the codex entries for them.)

-Once again batarians are all villainized as evil. Vido hired them because they were cheaper; Zaeed called them terrorists.

I wouldn’t mind this treatment of batarians so much if the game ever played with it. Yes, treat a group as one dimensional at first, then later on show how they’re three dimensional. Make the protagonist face their own prejudices and move past them.

Or in a game like Mass Effect, fail to do so – and make that have consequences.

Neither happens, other than a possible minor loss of war assets in ME3.

As others have said, given the huge roster in ME2 the lack of a batarian party member is a missed opportunity.

-When confronting Vido, the framing of how Zaeed looks at the gas valve is similar to how the game frames an object just before giving you a paragon/renegade interrupt for it.

And just like you can when given the option, Zaeed takes a strong renegade interrupt.

-There’s another line of auto dialogue from Shepard when Zaeed blows open the gate.

-As others have noted, this mission is similar to the mission Anderson and Saren went on when Anderson was considered as a spectre.

Do you blow up a refinery and let innocent people die for your own gain or not?

You have the option to tellAnderson that you would in Mass Effect 1. He says that you would have a good reason to do so. If he learned that you let these refinery workers die to gain Zaeed’s loyalty, would he consider that a good reason?

-Since I’m not interested in listening people burn to death – done that once before to see the alternative mission path, not interested in repeating it – save the workers it is.

Honestly, the most baffling part if Shepard chooses this route is that they let Zaeed come with them. Considering how driven by revenge and ruthless he is, why is Shepard willing to trust him? How do they know Zaeed won’t put a bullet in their back so he can chase after Vido?

You should have an option to send him away like you do Liara on Noveria. Could be an autofail – if a paragon/renegade check fails, Zaeed tries to kill you and you’re forced to kill him.

-There’s no combat as you move through the burning refinery. No surprise; the mercenaries don’t want to burn either.

-That battle at the end is always difficult. Almost made it through with a few charges on my first try, then died to the mech.

Finally made it through, surprise surprise, by playing as a cover shooter.

-Neither of the paragon options with Zaeed at the end are compelling in my opinion. Obviously I went upper left to gain his loyalty, but the game doesn’t sell me on it.

Go upper right, you tell him you’re too much of a badass for him to kill in your sleep. You don’t gain his loyalty, but you do get grudging respect.

Go upper left, you threaten with a gun and tell him he’s part of a team.

The best is neutral, where you tell him he’s crazy but you need crazy for your current mission. I still don’t like it, but it feels more genuine than the others.

Normandy – Shepard’s Inbox

-Email from Talitha, the formerly enslaved colonist you talk down if you have the Midnoir background – One of her doctors works with Ceberus (because of course Cerberus has people everywhere) and that’s how she gets you the message.

The end is such emotional blackmail I question if TIM faked it:

The doctors say that other people are getting taken like I was. I hope you can help them like you helped me.

If it’s genuine it’s very sweet. If it’s not, I want to shoot TIM again.

-There’s also an email from Sha’ira the Consort which feels a little too on point:

When you fought Saren, only your resolve was tested, but now I fear you cannot rely only on your own strength. Take whatever steps you must to ensure that those battling at your side fight with clear minds and glad hearts.

Points to the game for encouraging you to complete the loyalty missions for the good ending. Points to Sha’ira for being more helpful than she was in ME1.

I’m docking points from the writers for not working that in more naturally.

-Dr. Michel wrote the winning email today, where she very blatantly is writing you because she’s hoping you can get her in touch with Garrus.

Girl has a massive crush on him for saving her, and he’s completely oblivious even after she gives him turian chocolates in M3.

[was-it-really-worth-it]

Game 250 - Mass Effect 3 by BioWare

What did I think it was at first? We're coming back to Shepard so many games later!

Hilariously, I did end up picking up the Legendary edition of Mass Effect (and then again for console because my boyfriend loves Dragon Age but had never played Mass Effect) so my run of the original games, as before, is a mod sampler. To continue Demeter's story, I'm using

high def mods for texture and video

romancing Jack, the best girl

whatever this is

Modding this thing took nine years and though the mod manager makes it easier it still sucks. Maybe I'm spoiled because modding the Sims games has always been easy peasy?

How was the character creator? It was easy to remake Demeter and import her from ME1 and ME2. Her choices carry over, as does her personality - though I chose to change her hair as the perfectly done tight bun doesn't make sense when war is on the horizon.

Demeter still has a lot of agency and choice, and I think Mass Effect does an excellent job carrying forward your choices.

How was the game? I think the mods made the game...worse?

I played up through the mid-game Citadel mission before I realized that I don't really want to replay Mass Effect lol. I've been trying to finish this game most of 2023 and maybe I don't really have to?

It's an excellent game. I've played it twice. But I think that the mods I installed (aside from romancing Jack ofc, best girl) gave the game too many missions, too much bloat. I spent a lot of the start of the game checking out new stuff and...it's really just more of the same. I think the OG experience was actually pretty solid and streamlined. Nothing feels like busy work.

As an aside, I know that I complained a lot about David Archer in my ME2 review but they do redeem him a little in this one.

What do I love about ME3? The world feels more alive with NPCs and little mini-stories that happen alongside what you're doing. The Citadel DLC is the best little bit of fanservice fluff every long rpg game should have one. It's fun to see how your ME2 and ME3 buddies have grown. The arc on Tuchanka with Mordin is the best in the business.

What did I not love? I mentioned my issues with mod-related bloat earlier, but another slightly demoralizing issue is the ending. I think the Mass Effect games really piloted the expansive "your choices matter across hours and games" game and then people were mad it boiled down to red/blue/maybe green? I think that it walked so games with more complex endings (cough cough) could run.

At 12 hours and $29.99, was it really worth it? As a standalone title, absolutely not. As part of a sweeping space opera? Definitely! I really think Mass Effect is one of the strongest trilogies out there.

[selfvalidity]

this is where matson becomes like really fucking depressing as a guy. he is my exploration into how much i bottle up and fix things behind the scenes. after the horrificness of my version of the skyllian blitz, he knows he can't show weakness. he's a war hero of course he's fine. then he meets kaidan in me1 and he lets himself open up a bit, let's the crew see him as matson sometimes, not just commander shepard. he's in love with a sweet, steady guy! and he actually starts making friends for like the first time in his fucking life and the mission is going well

then virmire breaks him.

he thinks he failed. he made a mistake. he got too comfortable and this is why he's shepard first and matson second. he regresses and closes himself off. like how dare he choose kaidan over ashley just because matson is in love with kaidan. how utterly selfish of him

(he knows it was one of the other. saving ashley wouldn't have made him feel better. and deep down he knows that he needs kaidan in his ear more than ashley)

then he dies. gets resurrected but cerberus didn't come for matson they came for shepard. everything that he never wanted from the alliance i.e. gene therapy cerberus forces on him. because the galaxy needs commander shepard and nothing else and god forbid if he isn't perfect

kaidan leaves and matson cracks. kaidan looks at him like he's a stranger, and if the one person that made matson feel human looks at him like he isn't, then exactly what is he? so he tries to find out, carves up his face to see what's underneath and now his crew is disappointed in him and even his new scars aren't normal. they glow

so he decides fine, he won't act human. he gets a bit mean but even then he's not good at it. he's not a mean person at his core and then tali comes back and he's more stable with his best friend there. he's certainly not okay but he's present at least

and then fucking arrival happens

this is the breaking point. after horizon he couldn't break down, he had a mission to complete. but arrival? he killed thousands of people based on basically a dream and rightfully, deservedly gets put on house arrest. he has nothing to do

so matson is spirals. hardcore. he simulates ways he could've done arrival differently because how could've messed up so badly? it must've been his fault, his bad call. so through the hundreds of simulations why can't he find the correct way? he snaps when james confronts him about cause why doesn't james take off the rose-colored glasses and see what a monster he is?

they talk. they talk for awhile. matson stabilizes. again. he doesn't believe it when james says he's a good person, but maybe arrival was out of his hands

me3. galaxy needs commander shepard, so off he goes. kaidan almost dies, matson freaks out cause they were only just united. kaidan gets hospitalized and heals. and matson is tired. he wants one good thing, so he tentatively tries flirting with kaidan, like he did in me1. and kaidan reciprocates and matson doesn't know what to think. he doesn't hope for anything, but when kaidan trusts him again, when kaidan is back, maybe matson starts to hope again

they get together and it's so good

kaidan is with him, step by step, through the war and matson is happy, or as close as he can be with the reapers. he starts opening up and being honest about his feelings and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. thessia happens but kaidan is by his side, "it is what it is"

so when matson lies in the rubble caused by the crucible, he decides to live