#☆Hackett

[sol-consort]

Who is a non romancable npc that you would've liked to romance in each game?

I want to fuck Admiral Hackett.

Man, it feels good getting it out there, you feel me? These things are good for you.

Anyway, so.

ME1

Wrex

didn't know much about korgans at the time and just thought they were the hottest thing alive. Especially that stare down Wrex and Shepard have when they first meet each other in the C-sec station and he's throwing his weight everywhere and not giving a single fuck about the cops trying to arrest him.

Are Korgans just not attracted to humans? He never makes a move on you. Ever. They're clearly into asari and we're not that far off.

In the first game, he was the only one to not respect Shepard from the start. It's kinda hot, yk? He was this mysterious edgy person with a jaded view on his race, and we were this hopeful human who wanted to encourage him to reunite the koragns. I wanted to have a slobby makeout session with him filled with teeth after his personal mission.

.

Nihlus

Listen to me. It was love at first sight. I still remember it so clearly when you talk to him in the prologue where he questions you about Eden Prime. The fact he was the one to recommend Shepard to the council as a spectre too is just the topping on the cake.

I think he was into us, as a human. Like everyone on the ship clearly was weary of him because of how fresh the first contact war was, and Shepard is the only friendly person to him besides Anderson.

My Ideal romance would've been us saving him from Saren then being a mentor and student kinda of ordeal? Like at a certian point we surpass him in power while sparring and he looks so proud of us and we lean in for the kiss and he doesn't pull away.

A Turian and a human romance would've been so scandalous on the first game bc of again, contact war. It would've been the perfect drama.

.

Doctor Chakwas.

You can't tell me that you didn't think about it! She is the only person taking care of everyone on this damn ship. We're in the middle of fuck off space clumsily stumbling our way into shootouts and coming out with bullets in godforsaken places!

She's the one that patches you up while scolding you for being so reckless. She can abandon protocols and formality as much as she likes because she's your doctor and has a right to! She can order a whole admiral around.

It doesn't help how she opens up to us about her fantasies in her youth of being this cute doctor and patching up wounded soldiers with stars in their eyes and living the romance dream. The game is begging you to make her dream a reality and give this older woman the true romantic experience she has been dreaming of!

.

Captain Anderson

Listen to me. Listen. No no come back. Come here!

I am an adult, you are an adult. We are adults. He is a very hot adult that I want to do unspeakable things to.

I'm just saying!!! I didn't know anything about him becoming Shepard's parental figure in ME2 and ME3.

So when I first met him in ME1 I was like oh. Are we about to...have a superior forbidden army romance situation? Am I your sugar baby? Golden trophy soldier? Why do you like me so much and treat me with so much favouritism? Are we doing it on the down low behind closed doors?

But no. They take him away from me like immediately afterwards and burst my bubble of fantasy. I forget about him for the rest of the game then I meet him at the end but it doesn't hit the same vibe it did at the start.

He just admires and respects Shepard. Nothing else :(

My romance and fantasy with him was very short lived and now he is more of a stand in parental figure.

.

ME2

The Illusive man

He is obsessed. Literally every interaction with him made me feel so giddy inside afterwards. It's like he gets off on just being near you and doesn't ask for nothing else. He is like a sugar daddy without the needed sugar.

And the "Cerberus allowance" credits money that you get after each missions just increasing in numbers didn't help. You report to him after every mission and he gives you more and more money. It almost makes you feel dirty in a good way.

Like based on his shadowbroker intel, he has the best escorts and strippers in the galaxy that he frequents. Yet it is you that he spends the most money on and you don't even have to put out or show a shoulder. It's not like a mercenary job either because one of his requirements is seeing you and talking to you, stalking you even.

Your meer existence gives him a rush and he keeps paying you for it, just to be allowed to witness you being you. I wish there was an evil romance option route where you go full human supremacy and agree with his evil plans to control the reapers and the last scene is like Shepard sitting on his lap in that room with the orange blue star.

I want that romance to be creepy and clearly self-serving. That both of them are using each other to get their own needs. There is no love involved, just obsession and hunger for power.

.

Legion

They wear a piece of your armour, they have a hole where their heart should be. They clearly look up to you so hopelessly with admiration.

And you're the first organic to treat them with kindness, show them warmth, help give them a name. You're everything they imagine love to be and more and they literally cannot process it. They can't comprehend the feelings they're feeling, they only know it's all consuming and they're short-circuiting around you.

It would've been a very fluffy and sweet romance where you really push the limit of the geth having a soul. To have a soul is to love, even if it's not romantic love.

But as a romance between you too, I feel like Legion having a scene where they pluck a small flower from the ground to present to you is everything. But then the flower gets crumbled in their iron grip and they look all dejected and sad.

You gently taking it and still thanking them for it, maybe putting the flower in the hole in their chest after giving it a small kiss. I have so many ideas, Legion deserves so much softness.

.

Aria

I don't think she'd allow a full romance, but we definitely would've had a complicated relationship. Both dominiating and ruling their own corners of the galaxy, yours just happened to be a moving ship.

It's like a ruthless queen and a faithful soldier. She could've made Shepard worse, you could've made her better. It's a very complicated love and hate relationship, a constant power play.

You send her Valentine's gifts that she claims to have thrown away, but you see her snacking on the box of chocolates that you got her the next time you visit. Threatening to cut someone's hand off because they asked for a piece.

She always tells you to go find someone cute to spend the night with but all of her strippers know better than to flirt with you. Aria warned all of them that you're off limit and no one even dares looks into your eyes.

Hell the fact she got a whole bartender to give you drinks for free after the last one tried to poison you? God that's hot.

But emphasis on complicated. Neither of you are willing to step down from your thrones and serve the other. She wants you on a leash like a dog at her side, you want to weild her like a dagger against your enemies throats.

Both of you were made for freedom and only deal with people who obey all of your orders. The two of you can never have a peaceful relationship because you're constantly at each other's throats but the attraction and tension is so thick in the air to deny.

.

ME3

Admiral Hackett

I don't have any excuse. I only started getting attracted to him during this game when we kept having constant communication with him.

He just...is very calm? Includes Shepard a lot and is very patient and wise. Steering you into the right direction and reminding you of the greater purpose you all serve.

But also he is down to earth in his own way, it feels intimate for him to call you just Shepard. Look at you with such eyes that have seen everything, it's like he is the single person that understands what you're going through in this, the single person to share your burden in all of this.

Because Anderson can't relate to Shepard in the way Shepard is supposed to be invincible steel, the way Shepard is supposed to be the unbreakable hero. But Hackett feels like he can relate to you in that way, like he too was in your shoes once and knows how lonely it must be.

How each relationship you have will always have a hallow emptiness inside because you can never be equal to someone. Each person you date will always see the commander Shepard before seeing you, the world will fall for your mask and not the one wearing it.

Except Admiral Hackett. It's like he can see behind the mask. He can see behind the titles and spectre status and the medals. He sees you as the little thing you are, so tired and exhausted from carrying the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders, you poor thing.

He's very caring in a way, no matter what wrongs you've done. He's very understanding too.

In ME2, he asks you for a favour and contacts you to help him. YOU! he asks YOU while you were a traitor working for Cerberus. god, the amount of trust he has in you.

Not to mention that he was actively stalling the alliance when it came to charging you for crimes for allying with Cerberus even before the whole favour DLC thing. In the Shadowbroker messages you can find him telling his subordinates "Negative" when they asked to finally bring you in.

It's also how commanding he is with just a single word? He does it twice. Once in the battle of Saren in ME1 when the alliance ships are beginning to retreat and he calmly refuses and tells them to move ahead.

And in ME2 where his subordinates write a long ass email on why you should be charged with treason but his literal only response is "negative."

His words carry such weight to them, fuck. It's so attractive the power and authority he casually throws around. Actually casually doing it unlike the illusive man who makes a point to show off to you. Hackett has nothing to prove and no one to impress.

The only person to view the commander Shepard as a fragile thing. The only person to understand what you're going through. The only person to realise what's truly at stakes here. How can I not want to be with him?

But with you he talks longer, he explains himself and line of thinking more. He doesn't treat you with the same strict attitude he gives to other soldiers. It's clear favouritism where he is gentler with you, softer like you're a fragile thing that might crack if someone even raised their voice at you.

Not to mention the whole "why pick me?" Dialogue option you get to ask him. On why he puts so much faith in you. Why he is always on your side.

And you get a straight answer for once. It's because you have this magical pull on people that gets them to work together, you were made to be a leader. It's easy to pay a merc to shoot a gun for you, but you cannot pay them for their loyality to follow you into hell twice. Yet you have that effect on people and he clearly sees your true skills that the others are blind to.

.

I have more, like James Vega, Samara, Mordin, Joker, EDI, Conrad verner, Saren, Sovereign, Kai Leng and Eve.

But I've written a lot, maybe for another time! Thanks for asking this, btw <3

[sweet-shut-eye]

ive been playing the quarry again

[dorkszn]

just testing to see if the quarry fandom is alive. please like this if you see it.

[polarolds]

Hackett's Quarry Forever! 🏕️

(a "what if laura and max just went to the goddamn harbinger motel" moment)

[wetsocksinbed]

the Arrival DLC is so funny because Hackett is like “hey Shepard I know you’ve been given all these insanely dangerous tasks so I’m just going to ask you to do a really easy, really simple one. I just need you to go grab someone. Routine op, in and out. Nothing dramatic.” And then you end up blowing up an entire goddamn solar system and killing billions of people

[glamrockdreams]

Bitches be like

"The production team knew exactly what they were doing they made him slutty on purpose there is no other excuse"

And it'll just be a middle aged man covered in blood

[dicentrasterisk]

RYLAN- I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!! THEY WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME! I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY, OKAY?!

[envyghost]

I wanted to try out a chibi style so I whipped these up with some help from some IG moots :3

I def wanna make a few of these into stickers since a lot of people expressed interest in them! I'd love some advice on where to start with that since I want to send them out myself but avoid the headache of making an etsy shop and dealing with the taxes and fees that come along with that.

[oldshowbiz]

Buddy Hackett told Joe Rogan to shut the fuck up on one of the very first episodes of Last Comic Standing.

[tedrailmi]

THE QUARRY Chapter 9 | The Matriarch

[sol-consort]

Shepard baby shower for baby ryder omg! (Honestly I fucking wish Ryder was Shepards kid. That anon who gave u that ask should've cooked for bioware....that would be awesome and add more to the "be the legend my n7 parent was" when we played as said legend! Also shepard deserves to be happy)

Miranda is that cool big income childless aunt with the best most expensive gifts (cant have kids but she really wants em. Poor miri) probably likes to check up on shepard and ryder a lot. Best aunt ever. (Miranda would be a bit awkward at first, holding a child but I think she'd warm up to it quickly. Maybe even tear up a bit if you didn't look.)

Tali is SO worried. Quarians have it bad as babies they cant leave the bubble. Gifts mutiple baby monitor too for all the vitals. Its very important in this stage to check on them! Quarians find the baby stage to be so stressful! She's ready to check baby monitors for you like a fnaf security guard. You sure you don't want her to hook you up with someone from the fleet who can install a bubble in your home?

Kaidan gifts something sweet and thoughtful. Cute n7 onesie for baby ryder, some diapers too. Diapers are expensive. Gotta make sure you have them ready, babies poop a lot. Maybe brings some of his cooking too. Probably researched too to make sure Garrus and Tali can eat some of his dishes, the sweetheart.

Ashley hauls in an entire crib by herself she and her sister used as kids, and now its passed down to you. Feel honoured, skipper. It's practically a Williams heirloom.

Wrex surprisingly has a soft gift. A cute blanket he and Eve/Bakara worked on. Or maybe all by himself. Nights in tuchanka can be tough, so he figured you would appreciate it even if your choice of planet to live on is much easier (and for weaklings, plssss move to tuchanka instead) Its useful and from the heart. He tries to hint you should name the kid Ryder Shepard Urdnot, since shepard is a honorary krogan anyways.

Liara has cute yellow flower baby pj's too with matching little socks and those little hats. She seems a bit melancholy but her smile is very geniune when she gives them.

Garrus gets one of those big baby bags. Or those baby carrier things for your back/front to carry the baby. Knowing him, probably both. Tactical and hey look, it's got pockets/belt ulities for your guns and thermal clips in case you need to shoot whilst carrying baby or the supplies, theres even room for scopes and attachments in here!... why are you raising your eyebrow like that?... did he get too carried away? (Garrus and Kaidan would be the type of dads to carry their kid anywhere in those things) with how the dlc went in quiet party version, Garrus would probably want to install a insane amount of security, making Tali's paranoid monitoring look normal in comparison. You thought Tali was paranoid? He'll show you. Both him and Shepards got a lot of enemies, and Garrus has lost a lot of good people. This baby gonna stay safe. Probably chills down after some reassuring tough. Maybe he'll tone it down a bit more... just a bit. After all, shepard keeps surviving the craziest things, so little Ryder probably will inherit that.

Grunt gets you a krogan shotgun he modified with ryders name engraved. His battlemaster's child will surely be a force to be reckoned with. Baby ryder will be a strong warrior one day, what do you mean babies cant fight right after they learn to walk? Huh!? How long will it be till he can fight ryder? Well...no matter...he got baby picture books too. Grunt himself is quite fond of reading after all. Maybe till Ryder is strong enough, they can have that in common.

Edi brings the most useful gifts she researched, it's all very sweet as she lists all her sources on child rearing and how to prepare for a child. Joker tries to pretend he didn't play a part in it, but he actually insisted on helping Edi research to get Shepard the best gifts and paid for it. Edi defiantly practiced beforehand how to properly hold a baby for days on end with a doll or a pillow.

Javik seems annoyed how lacking everyone's gifts are. In his cycle, babyshowers were much grander. More honorable, as the empire demanded it. He expected better from all the primitives, especially the asari. He muses how even with his expectations so low, this new cycle keeps dissapointing him. If he holds baby Ryder, he reconsiders finding an airlock the moment the moment the baby uses any bodily functions. So ugly. In his cycle...Well... he'd never actually held a baby before, he was a soldier. Not some caretaker or doctor. When he holds ryder he looks displeased. Its chubby and pink like a unboiled hanar, pathetic and ... yet he can't really stop looking. Ugly little primitive that keeps trying to put its sticky little fingers against his face and laughing... Well, OK... maybe it's best he does the holding, and not one of the other primitives. Not because he wants to, that's defiantly not it. Expect him to scowl harshly the moment anyone else of the crew wants a go at holding baby Ryder.

I love everything about this

Miranda constantly calls her sister to check if she's performing the cool aunt duities correctly since her sister actually had a family. Asking if giving out ten thousand credits as a baby shower gift is too little and if she needs to triple the amount.

Oh my god, Tali playing fnaf with the baby security cameras I can't. Shepard gets a call at 3am. because Tali hacked the baby monitors again to check on your child, and she saw that the blanket is almost falling off and you can't have that!! Go and gover your baby right now Shepard it is an emergency or they might get cold!

Kaidan who remembers how hard food came by in jump zero and makes sure to constantly drop by and help you with the baby food. Be it a fruit mush mix or a formula, he is ready to learn everything there is to make sure the little one is eating well. Saves you a lot of headaches too because you can drop your kid off at Kaidan and know they'll be fed and cared for.

Oh also he'll definitely use his biotics to play with the child and lift them up. He's very gentle and careful, it's endearing how much they giggle. They love the way his hair fizzles up because of his biotics, like touching the static screen of an older tv. He is the best when it comes to babysitting duty, the kid almost sees him as another parent even.

The image of Shepard going to open the door after inviting Ashley to their baby shower and Williams here comes hauling a huge ass crib with her bare hands and tells Shepard to step aside and direct here to where the baby room is.

Ashley builds the entire crib while the party is going on. Just rolling up here sleeves and telling you to send Garrus and Zaeed in here to help hold the flashlight for her while she works. Telling you all these stories about each scratch and mark on the crib and how it was used for all of her sisters. Garrus and Zaeed attempt to boobytrap the crib against intruders while she's not looking but she catches them.

Wrex talking about how Shepard should consider bringing baby Ryder for their rite ceremony on Tuchanka. How the thresher maws are waiting. Grunt volunteers so be their kresh and help baby Ryder like Shepard helped him before. Wrex bringing baby krogan Mordin with him to see Ryder and hinting at how they should be friends.

Liara is one of those people who immediately freeze when they're handed the baby to hold. Baby Ryder is giggling and running their fists over her hair and face while Liara is just staring at them, worried she might accidentally drop them and them remembering oh fuck babies response to facial features she needs to smile remember to smile.

It's the most forced nervous smile of her life. She is so out of her element. The Shadowbroker being reduced to a nervous wreck as she tries her best to act natural around Ryder and praying to the goddess inside thay they don't cry.

Then she finds out Kaidan likes to float them around with his biotics and she hands the baby back to you and goes to scold him about how it's not safe and he shouldn't risk it. How humans aren't like asari and we don't know the effects of biotics on them at this early age.

Garrus brings a toy gun that is actually a functional sniper rifle. He tries to convince you it is a good idea to have this on standby in case anyone tries to come at you while you're playing with your baby. He brings those baby books that teach you colours except it's one about sniper rifles that he handmade himself.

Lowkey suggests signing up Ryder for a turian bootcamp as early as they learn to walk. You know, just to teach them the basic self-defense techniques that any normal toddler needs, like how to check for someone's pulse point to know where to stab an air filled needle and fake a heart attack. Eventually, he gets called to build the crib with Ashley and gets busy hiding knives and emergency X Widow 6500 scopes for sniper rifles in between the wood pieces.

Just in case you misplaced your X Widow 6500 sniper rifle ultimate scope. You the one everyone has? And can't do without? Now you have a backup one! Or twelve.

Anderson being the only normal person and taking Ryrder to normal kids attraction in London. Showing them the big ben and taking them to a kid's playground as he sits with the moms and gushes about Ryder and Shepard and how proud he is of them.

One time Hackett becomes the emergency babysitter because Shepard is called in on a mission and everyone else is too far away. So he wears those baby chest straps and carries Ryder with him everywhere. The high admiral of the navy with a giggling friendly baby strapped to his chest.

Joker would be like "watch me be the kid's favourite" then completely gets ignored by baby Ryder when he comes at them all "hey little buddy"

Baby Ryder instead crawling on the ground and going to EDI. Finding the orange visor on her eyes fun to play with. EDI is definitely smug about it until Legion finally arrives and Ryder can't resist wrestling their way to freedom and crawling to Legion instead because kids love nothing more than unprotected shiny wires they could pop their head against.

Of course, Legion is very careful and never lets them, but it is amusing how hard tiny humans try to get themselves killed. Everyone quietly agrees that Ryder is definitely Shepard's kid at that moment.

Thane would run background checks on Ryder's kindergarten teachers and everyone in the area. He is able to snuff any attempt of a crazy Shepard fan to get in contact with Ryder before Shepard or alliance intel is even aware of it. He quietly guards your kid from the shadows and makes sure no harms befalls them.

During the baby shower, he can't help but get flashbacks to the birth of his Koylat. How adorable his own child was when learning to walk and grab stuff. How he missed most of those moments, how Shepard should treasure this time with Ryder.

[evviejo]

STAR TREK: VOYAGER - S3E1 Basics, Part 2

[polarolds]

son of a binky bonky!

bonus:

[walkinroadkillz]

wasted an hour on this and need someone to tell me I'm funny 😔

[cenomatic]

friend got me to finally play the quarry

[hotvintagepoll]

Buddy Hackett (The Love Bug, The Music Man)—i like a guy who can sing a funny little song called 'shipoopi' and act like that is normal (music man fans rise up)

Louis de Funès (Hibernatus, La Grande Vadrouille)—He is THE French scrungly icon, everyone knows him and either loves him for his scrungliness or fucking hates it and there's no in between. He is The Scrungly. He is Little. He is amazing. His facial expressions, his little noises, his everything - he's freaking hilarious. Also he's not afraid to crossdress in his movies and he looks fucking AMAZING in drag just saying Old men fuckers, this is your call 💪

This is round 1 of the contest. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. If you're confused on what a scrungle is, or any of the rules of the contest, click here.

[additional submitted propaganda + scrungly videos under the cut]

Buddy Hackett

Other than playing Harold Hill’s best pal in The Music Man, he also voiced Scuttle the seagull in The Little Mermaid :)

Louis de Funès:

He is a small old comedy man, what else can I say? My mom loves him and even was disappointed that such a charismatic man wasn't in the hot contest.

Well... Look at him! He started as a jazz pianist, but he became super famous for his roles of angry little guys, or grumpy little guys, or very, very fractious little guys. A comedy, and in particular physical comedy, legend! And in all of them, he is scowling, contorting himself, seething, spitting words and incoherent with rage, making the funniest faces and noises and... he's like a very, very angry wet cat. Angry Wet Cat is, in fact, the best description I can come up with!!!! He was #ScrungleLifestyle #BornScrungly #Scrungle4Life

[editor's note: I don't speak French so let me know if anything in these clips is offensive. The first two clips are mostly physical comedy and a good introduction to Louis de Funès' physical humor.]

he is so silly!!!! little old man with crazy energy and facial expressions like you wouldn't believe!! the scrungliest!! he makes the most insane characters seem lovable due to his comedian skill and his scrungly quality :D my favorite actor of all times