#and anyway it seems like the main thing was about noah which from what i can tell at least was barely anything and nothing current

[waywardworldhopper]

I... don't know how I feel about this statement. I mean, the statement itself is well written, and I like how they gently go "hey if you want to do activism there are better options than harassing some internet comedians."

But just... validating the complaints with this kind of response seems dangerous, especially given Dropout clearly recognizes they're tenuous at best. Like, I'm all for them taking an explicit stance on Palestinian liberation and directing fans to charities, but it feels like giving these accusations the time of day is encouraging more harassment.

🍉🍉🍉

Additional resources to support the people of Palestine:

Demand a Ceasefire in Gaza

Palestine Children’s Relief Fund

UNRWA

UNICEF

Gaza eSims

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Ok so I was gonna go more in-depth about the timeline and try to figure some things out, but I got a little sidetracked and time got away from me so I might continue this later but for now I need to go to bed. Please enjoy this infodump about the apocalypse in Moth Wizard (my post-apocalyptic fantasy setting) and the origin of magic.

(Content warning: war, religion, death, extinction)

When exactly canon diverges from our timeline is not determined yet since I've currently placed the apocalypse really taking off "sometime in the near future" and I don't know how much of the bad stuff may or may not happen in real life. We live in scary times. Ideally I'd keep it "in the near future" for a while though, like I don't know when (if ever) I'll actually Make The Show, but I'd like for it to still be in the future when I do. It would make the "this could happen to our world" part of the "this could happen to our world and while you individually cannot save us from it, it is entirely in the hands of humans to stop it and turn things around before then" message of the apocalypse, y'know, still apply.

As I mentioned recently in a very excited tag ramble, the apocalypse has several components. I think the main ones are war, climate change, and similar corporate greed consequences like pollution, unsustainable hunting, and destruction of habitats. All of it is human in origin. This is important to me, because if it weren't humans, then it would be Hashem (G-d), and He promised never to do that again after Noah and his family survived the flood. What Hashem did was give humanity the magic that allowed them to survive (and which now fills their world with wizards).

I like to think of this as kind of an inverse of the story of Noah. Hashem did not raise the tides, it was man, and man did not create the means by which life was able to live on, it was Hashem. Are we even now? Probably not, I wouldn't claim to know whether "being even" is even an applicable concept, but I do think that this event thousands of years later changed something forever. A circle has been closed. Life on Earth will never be the same.

I'll uh, definitely consult a rabbi about this at some point though, because I'm mostly making stuff up that sounds right and fits what I have in mind for their world. I'd like to make sure it's at least not actively contradicting anything.

Anyway, so we have the nearish future timeline deviation, I hope, where everything gets worse, billions of people die in world war III and countless species go extinct. Every single country on the planet is either at war or caught in the crossfire. If not for the gift of magic, it would have been the END end of life. How long after this does the story take place? I haven't decided. It's hard to put an accurate number to things.

Let's say hypothetically, magic is introduced in the year 5800, nice round number in the nearish future (a bit over 15 years).

As I've mentioned before, the first people to discover magic were kids probably aged 12-17, because of how the magic system works. To use magic, you need to try and truly believe in it, recklessly, and I don't think anyone is better at recklessly believing in undiscovered magic than teens, speaking as a former teen myself. Too young and the line between make-believe and reality won't be the right shape, too old and they'll have lost faith in undiscovered mysteries. Teens inhabit the sweet spot where the world seems just strange enough that maybe if you really really tried, you could fly.

And suddenly one day, the teens were right.

Sidenote but what I really love about this part of the magic system is that it comes with built-in explanations for why small children are not blowing up cars on accident (it has to be fully intentional and separate from playing pretend), and why not everyone uses it enough to call themselves a wizard (it's hard to believe recklessly and intentionally enough), AND gives good excuse for why anyone desperate enough could do it in a burst of emotion (recklessness is easy if you have nothing left to lose, the exact boundaries of possibility don't seem so important anymore). It's great.

It takes a while for people to believe the kids who discover magic. Obviously this footage going viral on TikTok is faked, and now there's a whole trend about pretending magic is real. And anyone who tries while under the impression that it's fake will of course fail, they don't believe at all. But the news don't have to spread via social media, it's much easier to show people in person. And do you believe it when you see a flying car on the news? You thought this was a reliable source, why would they buy into this obviously fake nonsense? And then you meet your 11-year-old cousin who claims she can make animals talk. You don't believe her, of course, until she points to a squirrel and the squirrel addresses you by name. The world is already in chaos, and now this?

Within a year, I think, it is generally understood that magic does exist. The exact mechanics are still unclear and everyone has their own interpretation, but the fact that some people are genuinely able to do things that until a year ago were definitely impossible is hard to deny now.

Somehow, magic seems to favor saving lives over taking them. This is not actually because magic itself has morals, but because it favors vulnerability and cannot be controlled the way guns can be controlled. Governments try and inevitably fail to create magical armies. You simply can't command someone to use magic. They would need to raise such soldiers from children surrounded by cultish propaganda in order to control their faith to such an extent, which of course they do to all their citizens, that's how they ever got anyone to kill another human on command, but they didn't have the foresight to include "you will be a wizard" in their programming starting 10 years ago. And now they won't get the chance. Their time is about to come to an end.

Oceans rise. Nations fall. The world we know dies screaming.

[brionysea]

https://www.tumblr.com/foodiewithdahoodie/716996704083361792 this post is more about familial mlvn parallels but it made me think of the max/Mike curse parallels, esp considering that what’s happening to Max after the fact is a vision and I’m like….kind of connecting that to what happened around Mike in season 4 being a manifestation but I Can’t Articulate it. Anywho yeah thought u would enjoy

UMMMM HELLO???? I AM LOOKING DIRECTLY AT IT (x)

i was thinking about what a pre-season 4 mike's vecna visions would look like recently, and that scene with el would literally fit right in. his girlfriend who he cares for but Not Like That trying to pry an answer out of him about why he can't say he loves her? getting defensive and making her cry? having to go against the friends don't lie rule to protect himself? like. i am... hhhh no thoughts just chaos. all you'd have to do is tweak it a bit so that el Inexplicably Knows Everything and hates him for it, being representative of his own negative thoughts towards himself, and it would fit right in with the canon visions from season 4 (mike mouthing off included, because let's be real, he'd do that to vecna's face too). leaving it to play out the way it did plays more into the advantage of a subtle slow burn so that he can't figure out anything's going on too soon, which, if you're going to mess with mike wheeler's head, you need because he's just too smart

california was kind of a nightmare scenario for mike before anything even went "wrong". he had to pretend to be someone he's not, somehow try to be normal with both el and will in the same place, and then el gets hurt and it's kind of his fault ("if you say so" before the music gets turned off and el gets knocked down, which still makes me lose my MIND), then the fight with will, and el schmacking a bully after the boys were unable to track her down fast enough to prevent that and all the drama afterwards... dude's not having a good time. he had no power there, which is the fastest way to get to him, as seen by his rambling about how useless he is and the clear impact that sense of powerlessness (very ironic) has on his mental state. and i'm staring so hard at how weird everything at rinkomania (rink of madness) was, and how disconnected our three characters' perspectives seem to be from each other, and how mike looked confused by will's version (aka our version) of events but was too busy trying to run away from that confrontation of having to vocalise his own feelings to even clarify what he was confused by or what his version of events looked like, which brings what they're both experiencing into question (mike not even looking in will's direction when he rolled his eyes but somehow seeing it anyway — what else aren't they showing us about mike's version by hiding behind will's?). there are those behind the scene photos floating around of noah schnapp at rinkomania in will's desert outfit. idk, i don't trust that place at all

when it comes to season 4 being a manifestation, it's like... this is just my interpretation, but it's pretty clear to me that the curse would be mike's excuse to literally face his demons. it was the Main Event. even when he was shipped away from hawkins and separated from that plot device, he was still trying to sort everything out in his head, which would've ironically been much easier for him to do if he was in a situation like max's — he gives me "only i'm allowed to hate myself, if anyone else does it i'm throwing hands" vibes. but mike still had some influence over things going on in lenora (like the aforementioned "if you say so" demonstrated by angela just ceasing to matter at all after mike called her a nobody) and in the general... area, idk american geography, like suzie's house and the pen with the coordinates and wherever the nina bunker was. i haven't thought about how argyle and the pizza chain plays into this but they might be manifested too (something about the restaurant expanding into nevada and how impressively wide mike's range is —there's no way that russian prison's real — and argyle as like the one person in season 4 just telling someone to "not lie"). el says "i'm real" at the very end of the season when she's with max, which makes me question if she went from "not real" to "real" during her season 4 side plot instead of in season 3. it would make sense since she really starts heading into her independence era once she leaves brenner behind and most likely after the end of season drama with mike, and max and dustin's similar journeys from an Idea of independence (while still circling mike/the party) to Acting on that independence (dustin getting his own side plot after breaking away from the party and max talking about free will while going against mike's wishes) seem to span 2 seasons as well

it's fascinating to me that even with mike as the lynchpin to all this, the main event doesn't follow him. it stays in hawkins. it's not even like the curse is a thing, and the curse also follows mike. it leaves him alone, even with the symptoms that did follow him. it (supposedly) never goes past a nosebleed at dinner and a headache at suzie's house. is that because he's made a mental connection between all his inner angst and his hometown (the smalltown boy agenda), or is it just a result of trying to sideline himself because he thinks he's unimportant? is it because there's no point in opening a gate with his death if he's all the way across the country? wouldn't that be better for vecna's plans of remaking the world? is he just not as willing to put the byers (including el) at risk as he is the hawkins NPCs? or was he actually losing his mind all season and we just didn't know because his perspective was cut off from us?

[lordystrange]

Hey, I just wanted to come here and say thank you for being more nuanced with everything regarding Noah and Israel/Palestine. I’m Jewish and I do come from a Zionist family that doesn’t mean I necessarily love Israel or it’s government, but a lot of people believe in Zionism and for obvious reasons. It’s hurtful, it hurts when people from this fandom who didn’t even know what it was didn’t know crap about Jewish history ethnicity struggle be so quick to say really antisemitic and hurtful things. We’ve heard it many times but it seems like it’s everywhere now.

Noah said in his post he feels fear and the internet pro Palestinian people ridiculed him! He goes to Penn ladies and gents they literally painted a rabbi being h*ng on the side of a building around that same time. There’s scary stuff out here being done to Jews and making fun of Jewish people who say they are afraid is so insensitive. Nobody is saying they are more afraid then the gazans, and to think it’s some malicious effort on our part to compare pain and fear is WRONG. we are all hurting from what happened since Oct 7. I just wish people valued Jewish lives. many hostages are still taken and many died in the nova festival. We should value both sides.

Black and white thinking has gotten us no where and it creates further hatred further miscommunication. Israel and Palestine will never be a easy conflict it has history it has perspectives, it has unfortunately really distasteful politics and war mongering leaders from both sides.

Hi!

I’m glad you’ve found my posts and liked them. Honestly, I have many more in my drafts but I don’t wanna cause a shitstorm. But then again, I do wanna lead people to more nuanced way of thinking.

I think one of the reasons for my nuanced thinking is that I don’t assume my thinking will ever be done. There will always be more to learn about everything. So I keep all door open and ears ready to listen.

Nothing indeed is black or white. Right things can also be wrong and true things can also be false.

I feel like the more I think about this Noah case, the more I am confused (and less confused at the same time). I am very aware that jewish people have done awful things in the name of zionism and still are. But I have not seen any definition of zionism that literally includes genocide of palestinians (or baby killing as Noah haters believe). And since jews have been persecuted for ages, I can understand the will to have a safe homeland for them. And I can also understand that zionism is portrayed as a very good thing in zionist households, and that would mean leaving out all the horrific things some zionists have done.

Do I agree with the way Israel ended up being formed? No. Do I support what IDF is doing now? No. But do I think Noah thinks ”killing babies (or anyone) is sexy”? Also no. I don’t think he actually wants anything bad for anyone.

I think anyone has a right to want their own country for their own people. It doesn’t make anyone evil. The problems come when other people are being mistreated/killed because of it. Which is what Israel is doing, but Noah is not.

You also mentioned the fear and that is another thing people should acknowledge. Because again, it’s not black or white situation. The fact that palestinians have to fear for their lives doesn’t mean that jewish fear (also for their life) isn’t valid. Everyone here deserves to feel safe. And I support especially the what people call bad people’s right to feel safe because I think that would solve a lot of problems. I doubt any IDF leader is doing this for fun. They are all afraid of what happens if they don’t.

I could go on forever. But my main point with my posts is that nuanced thinking is only helping the world, not hurting palestinians nor jews.

I want to add that I definitely value jewish lives. I’m sorry that so many jews have to feel like their lives are not being valued. And that their caring for each others lives is seen as a bad thing.

Anyway, thank you for the ask! I’m always open for more discussion :)

I’m gonna end this with a quote from Bertrand Russell: ”The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” (Am I targeting this to those who are so adamant about only one pov… maybe…)

[itspileofgoodthings]

How do you feel about happiness? The Taylor song from evermore, not the concept (though I’m sure you have interesting ideas there too, haha). I struggle with it because it feels like such a ‘divorce’ song that it just… makes me feel really upset, lol. I don’t get any of the ‘sweet’ in the ‘bittersweet’ that others tell me they get from it. It reminds me of Noah Baumbach’s Marriage Story in that way, which I seem to remember you had some umbrage with? Anyway maybe I’m leading too much with this question now and you have totally different thoughts— super curious to hear them!

oh I love happiness! (both the Taylor song and the concept haha.) It is very sad so I get why it’s upsetting to you, but for me it’s full of such real human grief and love and there are so many lines that just cut so deep.

and in the disbelief I can’t face reinvention, I haven’t met the new me yet. after giving you the best I had tell me what to give after that. all you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness. no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you and you know you hurt him too. honey when I’m above the trees I see this for what it is.

and of course the main hook—there’ll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you. so simple, so true!! the way happiness does not and cannot be contained to one person and yet also, in another sense, the way that it IS. as the song says, both of these things can be true!

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, June 1, 1995

 

Andy and Diana left a little while ago. They never got to the concert cuz the cable guy came and said the building’s got to be rewired. Who knows when it’ll be fixed? He brought me 7 tapes for now anyway. They’re now on their way over to his old place to get the rest of his stuff, and vacuum. They were here for almost an hour and they got me a burger and fries for my taping the soaps. While they were here, we mainly chatted about old times. Our pranks and stuff like that.

He says the laundry room’s nice, the people seem friendly, but the walls are paper-thin. That’s Arizona for you. He says he can hear the TV in the apartment behind his kitchen and their cabinet doors opening and closing. Also, the guy below him is constantly blasting his rap music, even till 4:00 in the morning.

As we’ve said before, people only care about themselves. For example, there’d be serious problems if the two dogs next to Lenore’s house two houses down from us were right next door. They bark when someone drives through or walks through the back alley and they are outside 24 hours a day. It seems all dogs in Arizona are always kept outdoors whether it’s raining, chilly, or 115º.

I typed a wacky letter to Diana which she’ll probably get Friday.

I gave him about 15 NPN envelopes to mail for me and I let him open one. It was of my memory of that camp counselor in Maine and that only. I’d never give him anything I wouldn’t want him to read in case he opened it. When he pulled it out, he goes, “Oh, I love these things.”

I’ll be back to write more later, but right now I’m gonna watch TV.

Later...

Another thing Tom said we were gonna do is order those sex toys, but to hell with it. If he doesn’t do something he says, then fine. I’m not gonna push or question it. Could he be worried that these things will add more excitement to our intimacy and that he’ll lose it and cum for sure? How is it that I’m so trusting of this guy with everything and anything, except for the issue of his not cumming and about the kid? Why am I so skeptical of him with those two issues?

I asked him to go down on me earlier since I figured he’d probably say he was too tired to screw and he had just had an allergy attack. He seemed elated saying that’s what he likes and was afraid to bring it up cuz I’m less horny at this time of the month. I’m usually hornier towards my period, but you never know with me. That was really what I wanted yesterday too, cuz I wanted to cum faster. I did offer to do other stuff with him after, but no. This is a sign to me of his lack of seriousness about the kid. He knew I was in the middle, too. I asked him if this knowing I was in the middle distracted him from the fun of it. He said he’d never know where my cycle stood without me saying anything about it. I have my doubts about this, but my little test will tell. We’ll see if month after month goes by with him avoiding me at that time without my mentioning my cycle. Why he’d have to avoid me, though, if he really is, beats me when all he has to do is continue to keep from cumming. Is it his way of telling me he doesn’t want a kid cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me? Well, not that I don’t want one, but this does a good job of lowering the desire somewhat. I’m not gonna keep playing this goddamn mother-fucking game with him!

Friday, June 2, 1995

 

Boy, was I ever wrong about Tom on one thing! As I was waking up today, he was filling out a form to get those sex toys, as well as those labels several pages back. Can’t wait till we get them!

Got the package from my parents today. Yup, there was a flag. It was of Noah’s Ark like my sister got. There was a teddy bear, a lion, a giraffe, an elephant, and I think that was it. We put it at a 45º angle off the patio by the pool. You can see it from the street that runs alongside our house. It’s really cleverly made so it pivots around and doesn’t get all wrapped up around the pole. It’s on a nice stylish wooden pole, too. I was picturing a metal pole. There was also a Noah’s Ark wind chime and bird feeder. The backyard sure is nicely decorated now. I thought about decorating the front eventually with a wind chime or whatever, but nah. This may not be Springfield, but I don’t want to put something out that could be stolen. We got a Noah’s Ark picture frame, but none of the pictures of us will fit into it. Lastly, she sent us an anniversary card and 3 different pieces of stationery. I sent one to my parents, one to Kim, and one to Bob.

Tom offered to go down on me before he went to bed. I said, “This is a good time for that.”

He said it was called being up a very long time and being tired.

That’s true.

Yesterday I read him the part about that woman in that camp in Maine. Today he told me he really liked it and said it was some of the best writing I’ve ever done. That’s cool.

Later...

Today was an OK to a fairly good day, but it just turned lousy. Yes, I admit it’s all my fault, too. The only part that has me upset with Tom is that I feel a bit more shut out at times. Sometimes I want to chat while he’s so engrossed in sports on TV. He also tells me to say and ask whatever I want whenever, but then he seems frustrated with me.

A little while ago I blew up at him, calling him a fucking liar. Saying I knew he’d never cum and he knew it. He told me that being called a fucking liar is just as abusive as a man beating up his wife. He said if it continued, he’d divorce me and throw me out on the streets. He said that’s an abnormal paranoia for me.

I said, “When your own parents throw you away, what do you expect?” True, though, that I was still being mean, cruel, and cold by swearing at him.

Why and how can I be so mistrusting of him about sex and having a kid? I trust him with everything else, so why can’t I trust him with this? He always comes through on his word to me about other things. He’s just not very punctual, so why can’t I trust, believe, and count on him with this? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that he will cum, but if he doesn’t why blow up at him? Better to just accept it if he doesn’t, cuz us not having a kid doesn’t make me love him any less. Also, he’s not Dureen O. He never has or will do any of the shit she’s done, and I know it’s not fair of me to compare the two.

Later...

He just came in to say he was sorry for the mean things he said. He said he was sorry about saying he’d put me out, cuz he never really would and loves me forever. That’s so sweet and I apologized, too. He didn’t ask me to, but I’m gonna work on not swearing so much in general. It’s a subconscious thing that I need to make myself more aware of to break the habit. I know that if we did have a kid, he wouldn’t appreciate me swearing so much and I respect that. Just like I know he respects my wanting to show the kid neatness and organization, then it can do what it wants when it’s on its own.

Anyway, the bottom line is that despite the mean things we said to each other, he’ll never cum, he knows it, and there’s nothing he’ll do about it. Therefore, there’ll surely be no kid, not to mention the fact that I’d feel more like he appreciates me in bed if he did cum. This is something that’s very hard for me to accept, but these are all my true and honest feelings and opinions. I doubt I’ll be wrong on something I feel so strongly about, no matter how much he tells me he wants a kid. Not after the fact that we’ve been screwing for over a year. Back up until around my surgery, I had some hope he’d change, but now it’s gotten rather obvious. Again he said today he was anxious to have a kid, but I know better than to think that’s possible any more than maybe 5% - 10%.

Diana got my letter today and Andy said she loved it. He said he offered her an NPN envelope, but she wants to keep it.

Andy also said he loved the writing about the camp memory. He was confused, though, on a couple of things. He didn’t think I could remember anything at age 9. Not a lot. My memory didn’t improve until I got to my late teens. The only reason why I remember being 9 that summer is cuz of a comment my mom made. When we were packing me for the second camp in Maine, she said that the last time I was at camp was when I was 9 and I know I was 14 at that time.

He also questioned the part where she said, “Go to sleep or I’ll kiss you all over.” He said that sounded sexual.

But it wasn’t at all. She was only playing with me.

Yesterday I finished all the puzzles from my magazine subscription. The next one’s due around 6/14.

Tom and I are gonna check into this new bed we saw that I sure hope is affordable and not all BS. I saw a commercial where bowling pins were set up on one side and a ball was thrown on the other, but the pins never fell. In other words, the bed is for people like me who are light sleepers.

They’re playing some really good tunes tonight on the radio. In an hour and a half from now at 9:30, Norah’s gonna be in that movie called Appointment with Death. She’ll probably only be in it for two seconds. It’s an Agatha Christy movie set back in the 1930s so I can only imagine what pitiful outfits she’ll be wearing. Andy was kind enough to remember that I had asked him to record it as a backup. However, I told him not to worry cuz it’ll be on next week too, and there’ll be no storms tonight. Tomorrow evening we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house. I haven’t seen them in a while. Plus, Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) wants to meet me. She’s from Michigan but is staying here for a month or so to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they’ve been having.

Last night I sent Alex a letter on AOL. Soon, I’ll go check and see if there’s any response from him. I’ll also type a letter to Kim and enclose one for her to send to Doug.

When I talked to Dad, he hadn’t gotten the fingerspelling letter. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what it was, but I let him know a neat surprise was on its way. He said I have a surprise on its way too. I thought it might be a letter. Then I noticed on the calendar that this Saturday is Passover, so it’s probably just a card.

Now the unfortunate news. On 6/30 I have to go see Dr. Rugg again for another pap. The swab was too bloody to read. All else is OK, but the results of my ultrasound aren’t in yet.

Saturday, June 3, 1995

 

Andy and Diana just came to get Thursday and Friday’s soap tapes. They came from work, so they wanted to get home and eat and were only here for two seconds. God, do they have geeky uniforms!

I asked if she could lose the perfume the next time she visits, as it’s quite overwhelming. No problem, she said.

He likes my hair straight and he usually likes curly hair, though. I think my hair looks much better straightened. It’s neater, longer, and easier to manage.

It’s amazing (but a blessing) that I haven’t heard them across the street even a little. No car stereo and no band playing quieter like he did when I discussed it with him. I know the same people live there. The mother, I mean. I can’t see him suddenly becoming a hermit who never goes anywhere and who suddenly hates music, so he’s definitely out of there. The thing of it is, though, he never seems to visit so I guess they don’t associate with one another anymore.

Sunday, June 4, 1995

 

Just a quick update now as there’s really not much to say.

I did some wall art. Or door art, I should say. There’s a little spice cabinet in the kitchen. I did something different and while I did, Tom was all helpful and in a wonderful mood. I noticed that the cactus figurine I painted cast a perfect shadow on the wall, so I traced it. Then I drew it on the door with carbon paper. All around it, I drew colorful stripes.

Last night, what I already knew really hit me and I cried for hours. It was as if a doctor who’d run tests came out and told me I was sterile for sure. That’s how hard the reality that I’ll never have a child slapped me. It’s like accepting someone who’s died, then you mourn through it till you’ve dealt with it. The more I cry over it, the easier it’ll get. That’s what I believe anyway. I sometimes even try to make myself cry over it to keep flushing it out of my system. The tears don’t always come, though.

How do I feel about Tom? As expected, I guess. I love him for a million reasons. However, this was a hell of a raunchy thing to do to me or any other woman. I still can’t help but believe that this is just another one of those things he said he’ll do and wants, but will always be nothing but talk. I still very firmly feel that he knew it all along. He knew what he intended to do - not cum and keep it that way. Will he ever come out and say so? I’d have been bummed too, if he’d told me from the get-go that he never wanted a child, but this is different. Will he ever come out and say, “Jodi, I’m so sorry for getting in over my head with telling you I’d cum and we’d have a kid. Truth is, though, I won’t let myself cum cuz I don’t want one.”

I just know deep in my gut, heart, and mind that he knew. As hurt as I am, I don’t love him any less. There are too many hundreds of great things about him and I know no one is perfect. He obviously just never had the heart to tell me he didn’t want one cuz he knew how much it meant to me. He will, though. Within a few months. He can’t play this game forever. Especially when I refuse to discuss the matter with him anymore. Remember? He said that that’d be his “cure.” Well, he can get off by all the wet dreams he wants and keep my sheets dry, cuz there are still plenty of reasons not to want a kid.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother to screw. I can give him a hard-on with my hand and I always favored being eaten out.

Later...

Today’s been a shockingly great day. I seem to be more accepting of never having a kid. At first, the thought was depressing, but then it got better.

Tom’s still in his wonderful mood and at his initiation, we did screw around. There was something different about it, though. I can’t pinpoint it or come up with a word for it. Maybe it was more intense? More heartfelt? He seemed more into it and it was true. He definitely wasn’t acting and said it gets better and better. He also said he wasn’t thinking about it but was close. I loved it. The variety of his different speeds and movements was great.

Monday, June 5, 1995

 

I did several things earlier. I briefly spoke with Andy, showered and straightened my hair, typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Bob, changed the printer’s ribbon and revised the master grocery list. I also made baked potatoes and pudding, played with Piggy, listened to music, typed up more of 84, and soon I’ll do the dishes and work more on my puzzle.

One of my journal notes on my list I have here says, “inter.” What the hell’s that supposed to mean? I can’t even understand my own notes tonight.

It looks like Tom did some more work on the back room today. He’s been amazing lately.

I feel much better now and believe I’m well on my way to dealing with knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid. I’m proud of myself for not bringing it up too, and even dreaded the thought of him bringing it up, but he didn’t.

When I was typing 84, I had said that I’d be thrilled about his not cumming if it weren’t for my trying to conceive. I’m surprised I wrote that cuz for the longest time, I felt like I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It is a little insulting and it may always be, but for the most part, I can see myself not caring either way. I suppose I will always appreciate not having to deal with his cum all over. If we ever slept together there’ll be cum cuz he gets off in his sleep. Or by his own self, but not by his wife. Anyway as the reality of his never cumming sets in deeper and deeper, there are two reasons why my attitude is - fine, don’t cum. Cuz it keeps things cleaner, and personally, I’m not as eager to be great in bed so I can feel less insulted by his not cumming and showing me that I’m good enough to get him off. Not after the stunt he pulled about knowing he’d never cum and all this BS kid talk. I’m sure I’ll be glad, though, as I get older cuz I still don’t know if I could ever handle having and raising a kid. If he says, “But, I’m going to cum anytime now,” I won’t be like, “Oh, yeah? No, you won’t, cuz I know you better.” I’ll just say something like, “Sure honey. Anything you say.”

He stopped and checked the prices on that bed I mentioned. They go from $500-$1000 bucks. Out of our budget and probably out of the question, too.

He requested a catalog on bookbinding and all sorts of ways to make them.

I don’t know what you call it, but it’s like a lacy, plastic puffy thing you use with that body shampoo I got. Well, I had gotten a pink one which fell apart, so today he got me a new one which is great. I envisioned a multicolored one too, so that’s pretty neat. It’s got pink, purple, green, blue, red, yellow, peach, light blue and I’m sure there are a few other colors.

Back in 1987, as I’ve said and written, I had a feeling about something big going down in 1994. Well, I was half right. It didn’t have anything to do with singing as I had thought and hoped, but lots of stuff did happen. Well, my point is that for some reason I have a feeling about something going on in 1997. I have no idea what it could be, but I hope it’s nothing bad if I’m right.

I remember what “inter” meant. It was a note about house interest rates. Andy said he heard this too, and Tom told me about it. I don’t know how it works, but interests are at an all-time low and will probably be that way for quite a while. Tom said, “We may be in a position to move soon,” but I still say it’ll be at least 2-3 years. Maybe that’s in 1997.

I guess the move to Vermont must be really rough on Alex or keeping him incredibly busy. No word from him by AOL or regular mail in about a month.

I had a weird dream with Kim in it. I told her about it in my letter to her and I’m sure she’ll get quite a laugh over it. In the dream, she bought a house out here. I was over visiting. I sat in her living room and while she stepped out into her kitchen, 4 of my bottom teeth fell out!

Andy met the guy below him who he thinks is a dealer cuz he’s always home, has weird hours and a slew of people coming and going. One night he was cranking his music when a friend of his and Diana’s stomped real hard. He came up and said, “Music doesn’t bother me, but could you please not walk so hard?”

Andy said, “Sure, but could you please lower your base on your stereo?”

He did and Andy says he’s really nice and loves his new apartment I’m glad he does, but I wonder how the guy can deal with Andy’s regular walking which is like stomping.

Lastly, he says Diana’s moving out soon. She’s gonna live with this guy who’s in a wheelchair rent-free while she helps him out, so that’s good. He’s really happy, though, to realize that he truly can live with someone.

Tuesday, June 6, 1995

 

Yesterday I finished that big puzzle with the 4 puppies. Then when I went to flip it over the damn thing broke up. About a third of it did anyhow. After an hour or two I got it back together again and taped the back of it.

I just went and tried on some clothes. I’ve really got to lose 5-7 pounds or so. If I really thought I’d be pregnant, then it wouldn’t matter. In the last couple of years, though, my chest has grown, so my clothes will probably always fit differently, regardless of my lower body size.

I had a chat with Tom, but believe me, I still know better and wouldn’t allow it to refuel my hope. He brought up the subject and asked, how did this get so complicated? I said I didn’t know, but I did know that millions of other people seem to have no problem. I told him, “You said it was always up to me, but in fact, it’s up to you.”

Then he said, “Well, if it’s up to me, I want a kid, and now would be a perfect time.”

After I told him to put his actions where his words are, he told me about his “new” subconscious fear. He said that if he came now he’d be afraid of me really thinking he’d been holding back. I told him I have always felt that but that this shouldn’t worry him if he really wants a kid. He told me how he knows his problem isn’t physical. I’ve always known that. I also told him how for a long while there I felt insulted by his not cumming. He was too caught up by holding back to show how much he appreciated his wife. This is my opinion and I stressed to him how he has a right to his own beliefs and opinions, but I can’t help mine which I’ve got a right to.

Anyway, the good thing about it is that it was a quick and nice conversation. We didn’t fight and were hugging and kissing after and before he got on with the job hunt. Still, he told me not to worry and I won’t, but I know him better. He can tell me as many times as he wants how much he wants a kid, but that won’t change anything. I told him I didn’t expect it to, either.

He was in bed after I got up so I hope he has good job news for me.

Today’s Ma’s birthday today, so I’ll call her later. She’s either 63 or 64. I’ll ask her.

Later...

A couple of things have happened that piss me off, but it’s petty shit compared to my old life. Again the mailman delivered us a newspaper that goes next door and what’s pissing me off is the fact that if their mail’s coming here, ours is certainly going there or God only knows where and whoever’s getting it obviously isn’t returning it. I’m gonna call the PO today or leave a note out for our mailman, or both, and ask them to read the mail correctly.

The other thing that has gotten on my nerves once again is Bob. I’ve told him several times not to write on the envelopes of his letters to me cuz he writes tacky, corny, embarrassing shit. I love a lot of things about him as a friend, but I’m so sick of him being so selfish and doing what he wants to do. I need a break, if not forever, then at least for now. I told him so in a letter.

Wednesday, June 7, 1995

 

I talked to Mom and Dad yesterday. She turned 63. Tom talked with them, too. At one point Dad said, “I could’ve used your help earlier.” I asked with what and he said, “I couldn’t fit 63 candles on the cake.”

I burst out laughing and Ma said, “Thanks, you two,” and hung up her extension.

I said, “Ma will have a wonderful birthday now.”

Dad said, “Yeah, I’m in trouble now, huh? God, we’re gonna be married 44 years.”

After we hung up, I realized I have the perfect solution for next year’s birthday for Ma. He can just get two cakes and put 32 candles on each one. There’s also always the option of jamming candles into the sides of the cake.

Later...

I’ve been scheduled to see Dr. Rauche at 2 PM on the 20th.

Yesterday the electronic chips came that Tom’s gonna use to make that bee-repellant machine with. He also got something that’s supposed to improve the TV’s reception.

I fell asleep yesterday before Tom got home from doing errands and he got me a beautiful 3-D journal. I love it and I could see the image instantly. The cover has cat faces all over it and the image is of a cat hovering over a fishbowl. That was so sweet of him, and the search for one with a live cactus or palm tree continues.

Tom gave me some letter decals. There are a few cards with numbers and letters and you put the one you want down where you want it, then rub it off onto the surface with a pencil.

We also printed out charts for our weight, measurements, and any exercises we do. I’ve got a set of them in the back of this book.

Later...

These letters don’t peel off as easily as I thought they would. Not off of paper, anyway.

How am I doing with accepting us never having a kid? Pretty good. I had made the comment earlier, “I wish we really could’ve.” Tom said he’s “planning” on it.

Yeah, right.

Thursday, June 8, 1995

 

I finally heard from Alex who’s moved to Essex Junction, Vermont. He sent his new address and TTY number on AOL.

Got an anniversary card from Marjorie and Ray. That was nice of Mom and Dad S. to send a card. They also sent a check for $25.

Tom’s expecting a call today, so we can’t ignore the phone. Whoever answers Bob’s call will just refuse it. Tomorrow he should get his “fuck you” letter.

Had a good day yesterday and hot sex.

We put up two blue plastic tarps over the back patio where the rafters tore off.

Later...

I just called Kim hoping to catch her on her way out to work, but I got the machine instead. I wondered if she got the edits I sent her to send to Bob, not that I really give a shit anymore. I also told her about the letter Bob will be getting tomorrow, as I’m sure she’ll hear all about it.

Friday, June 9, 1995

 

Well, I have been here for 3 years now! At this time 3 years ago we were heading for Greenfield to see Sheila, then lunch in Northampton, then to Boo and Max's in Longmeadow. At 1:30 our time will be when I took off.

Saturday, June 10, 1995

 

Tom’s working on the bee machine now, so I thought I’d cover yesterday’s and today’s events. Not much has happened yet so far today to tell about. My plans, though, are to do the dishes, change my bed and type various stuff like journal 84, letters, and maybe I’ll work on my story some more. I’ve been too lazy to work on my medley or to see if there are other parts of convos I never got around to edit.

Yesterday I made a suggestion for the hell of it. I told Tom to start thinking about us fooling around at the beginning of his day when he’s more awake. Also, to get me off by going down on me first, then he can go in there and not have to wait for me to cum before he’s able to stop. He always stops after I cum. He went down on me, got me off, and then went in there. As expected, he acted like he wasn’t even really into it which tells me even more that he screws only to get me off, not us off. He claims to like it when I do him by hand, but each time we get together my suspicions deepen. He’s a fluke, though. He’s what all women dream of (or gay guys like Andy), but he’s a head player. Every time he says he was close, is going to cum, wants a kid and all that shit, he still knows exactly what he’s doing. Well at least due to the fact that he’s easy to please and anything goes with him in bed except for cumming, I can be sexually selfish. Despite all this, though, and his games, I’m amazed at how much easier it’s getting to accept us never having a kid. The desire’s even slacking off a bit. We have enough to do and his game is a turn-off to the idea.

Had I been younger, I would’ve been fascinated to get a notice for jury duty. Instead, I was pissed off to have gotten one yesterday. Tom got one a couple of weeks ago, too. We’re not registered voters, so they must be using the DMV as a roster reference. They even sent it to Jodi “O.” Tom’s sure I can get out of it. Yeah, I’ll make damn sure that I do cuz I’ve had enough of pigs and courts, don’t you think?

The back room’s almost all been rearranged as far as the big stuff goes. Andy’s chair is where the computer was and the computer’s back by the window. No more glare on the screen from the sunlight.

Later I’ll be sorting some resistors for Tom that I call beads. It looks like a colored bead in the center of a thin wire. Also, the electronic chips made to be used in the bee machine are usually known as intergraded circuits.

Tom downloaded a few more puzzles from AOL. Not word seeks, but pictures you scramble then put back together. There’s a tiger, some desert scenes, etc. Here’s the cool thing about it, though. I can take a Norah picture we scanned in, or one of my drawings, scramble that up, then put that back together, too. It’s really super cool.

I forgot to note in here for the hell of it the name of Alex’s new street in Vermont. He too, lives on Pearl St. like Nervous used to. Nervous moved, though, several months ago and who knows if he has a phone? I wouldn’t be surprised if it were a new non-published number or a listed one in Crystal’s name, since they know I don’t know her last name.

Later...

Just had some more “cumless sex” with Tom. I came just fine, though.

I hope this period isn’t gonna be a killer one. The last one was light and this time around I’ve got more PMS. I even have spotting today and yesterday and I’m not due till the 14th.

Yesterday we went to the new main library which is huge. It’s got 5 big floors and a glass elevator where you can see all around you. I got a book by John Saul called Shadows. He’s pretty good and I read one or two of his books when I was in my teens.

Later...

I sure did get a lot of letters yesterday. Two from Bob, one from Diana, and a thank you card from Andy for taping his soaps which I finished up yesterday. On Monday I’ll send one to Andy and one to Bug. (Diana’s nickname) I decorated their envelopes with the decals. I could still smell that damn perfume of Diana’s all over her letter and some of her words were hard to read, but I got by.

Tomorrow’s gonna be 107º, then 108º for Monday. We’re gonna go swimming later.

I also spoke to Kim yesterday who mailed Bob the edits. She can’t wait any more than I can to hear about what Bob has to say to her about my fuck off letter. In a couple of weeks to a month, I’ll write him again and play with his head. It’s not that we hate Bob, he’s just a pain in the ass here and there. For now, let him sit and sulk. Kim said she mailed me a letter last Monday or Tuesday, but probably Monday. I should’ve gotten it by now and Tammy should’ve gotten the letter I sent her by now. If I don’t get Kim’s letter today, this PO here’s really gonna have a problem to deal with.

Sunday, June 11, 1995

 

Suspicions, suspicions, and more suspicions about Tom and this baby crap go on. He tells me he understands my feelings. Well, that’s fine, cuz I’m done analyzing the situation, done hoping, done having faith. It’s time for that hysterectomy now. When I go to see Dr. Rugg on the 30th, I’ll set up appointments to go under the knife one last time for Operation 20. I told Tom that I’ll have to lie and tell them I don’t want a child. He said, “If you have the operation, you’re saying you do not want a child. That’s the facts.”

Well, it’s not a fact and that’s not the way I see it. I see it like this - I do want one, but I can’t have one, so why deal with periods till I’m 50-something?

Later...

I was gonna write earlier, but I was just too damn pissed. First I awoke to find my right upper wisdom tooth is popping out, then it was another slap of reality. Instead of getting into too much right now, I’ll just quickly run through the basics.

I’m not due for my period till the 14th, so why I’ve been spotting for 3 days beats me. Obviously, all went well with the ultrasound, or else they’d have called me.

Bob tried to call 4-5 times today, but the one time I answered, I yelled the word, “No!” Then he tried once more, but I turned the ringer off. Before that, though, he left two messages from the prison when we were swimming. I’m rather surprised he did try calling. I thought he’d say to himself, “God, I’m so upset by her letter and I’d like to call her but I won’t cuz I know that’ll piss her off even more and lessen her chances of being my friend again.”

What else is going on? Tom and I went out and picked up that Scotch Guard. He sprayed the flag with it, and our new floral lounge chair.

I got a sheet of press-on dry decals with all kinds of pretty designs. I have them in here and in 90 & 93. I got a new binder and really pretty computer paper. There are 20 sheets of 10 different colors.

Tomorrow I’ll expand more on several subjects. Tomorrow I’ll also be making a dentist appointment. Right now I’m gonna go crash. I am extremely tired.

Monday, June 12, 1995

 

I’m kind of tired this morning. I only slept for about 7 hours or so. I feel like I could use another hour or two, but I’ll live.

I have several things I want to do today. One of them is to copy into 90 the 7 pages I printed out last night in size 7. The colorful paper I got yesterday isn’t continuous feed. It’s the manual feed, so I was practicing last night when I printed out my story draft. It’s a pain in the ass compared to continuous feed, but oh well. Tom says they make printers nowadays that are set up to feed single sheets of paper all on their own.

Tuesday, June 13, 1995

 

Yesterday was a really shitty day for me. I know that if I had written yesterday I’d have said more things in detail while they were fresh on my mind, but most of the time it’s too hard for me to write or do much of anything when I’m that pissed or upset. Most of it was nothing new and I was PMSing, too.

Some things about Tom and sex are still really damn confusing to me, but whether they are or not, I’ve just got to fucking accept what can and cannot be. He’s absolutely not gonna cum and we’re absolutely not gonna have a kid, so I’ve got to just deal with it and get on with my life. I know and I’m sure that in a matter of 5-10 years from now I’m gonna be more than grateful he never came and that we never did have a kid, but right now, I’ve got to get over it.

There are a lot of little things I wanted to say, but I just can’t remember them all right now. Especially now that I’m in a fine mood.

Tom’s been walking on the treadmill to give him more energy and make him feel better.

Well, the normal way a man and a woman have sex is for the woman to cum first, then the guy continues on to cum cuz he can’t stay hard afterward. So yesterday we screwed and after I came, he stopped as he always does, and the guy wasn’t even out of breath. Now tell me the guy isn’t just screwing only to get me off and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. He still insists that it “takes care of him, too.”

Whatever.

Now here’s a contradicting as well as a confusing statement. He told me that if we had a kid, I’d still be his #1. That’s not what he said a few weeks ago. He said in a family unit, there is no #1 and that everyone’s #1.

He told me yesterday that he’s afraid to cum and he’s afraid not to cum. He said, either way, he feels trapped with nothing but cons to doing either one. He said if he doesn’t cum, I’m not happy, and if he did cum, he’d be afraid I’d really think he was holding back. I told him that whether he came now, in a year, 10 years, or never, yes, I’ll be thinking that but not to worry about what I think. Then he said, “But I worry about what you think and your feelings more than my own.”

Then why doesn’t he cum if he’s so worried about my feelings?

Anyway, as time goes on, I lose all hope and faith, as I said before. Even though he insists we will have a kid. It’s just like with the women. First, it was such a big deal for the longest time, then little by little, it wore off of me. That’s how I know that his not cumming and our not having a kid can and should wear off too. I mean, desires do change throughout the years. There are certain things I used to want to do and places I used to want to go that no longer appeal to me, etc.

That’s the general scoop on that subject. Now for the second thing that had me furious yesterday.

About 4-5 times yesterday I could’ve sworn I heard that fucking dog back next door again. The one that she said wasn’t theirs. I thought to myself, oh no! How often are they gonna take care of that fucking beast? And when are these people gonna fucking get it that quiet means quiet, and why is there always a fucking show from over there, and did they give them this dog to keep this time around?

Then later when Tom went up on the roof to do something to the cooler, he said he saw it and it was a puppy (a different dog) but that it’d be huge when it was full grown. He said he thought they were just taking care of it for someone cuz he doubted they’d get a dog that large.

So, what are they doing now? Dog-sitting for the people of this city? Anyway, the good news is that I haven’t heard it today and the kids have still been great.

I’ve got an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow. She can clean, do x-rays and maybe fillings. If not, she can do the fillings another time and she can surely refer me to an oral surgeon if needed. I only hope it does not cost a fortune and take a million appointments.

Alex is all moved into his 2-bedroom in Vermont. His rent’s around $600 which is amazing from the way he described it. Hell, you can’t even get a 2-bedroom in most of New England for under $800. He said it’s big and in a nice area. When I typed a reply to him, I started to ask him if the area’s quiet, but then I realized that that’d be a dumb question seeing that he’s deaf. He’s still with Mary who’s looking for work there with plans to move in with him. Right now she’s working in MA.

We left out two 19” color TVs for Goodwill to pick up today. One of them was one that Scott gave me. Also, the twin bed that Donna gave me and the couch that Scott gave me. The guy took everything but the couch. The idiots didn’t have the decency to tell us they wouldn’t take the couch, but we know why. The bed and TVs are in worse condition than the couch, so that’s not it. It’s no doubt cuz the guy was alone and his truck was full with it being the end of the day.

So after I called Goodwill to say thanks a lot and that we won’t donate to them ever again, Tom had a good idea. We put it in the back end of the garage where the car never goes, for him to use to sit on whenever he’s working on any projects in the garage. Then, we’ll leave it here whenever we move.

Tom’s really accomplished a lot around here. Things are more and more organized, and I certainly can’t bitch at him for not getting stuff done we agreed to do or he agreed to do.

Andy told me that 4-5 days ago, this mother and her two kids moved in next door and that the kids woke him up, and that the guy downstairs must’ve been pissed cuz he blared his music. Today he told me he talked to her and he’s lucked out with her as I did with next door. This is because most people out here would be like, “Fuck you! We’ll be as loud as we want to be.”

He said she’s really nice and that the kids, as well as downstairs, have been very quiet.

Diana moved out, but they still work together. He said he’ll give her any mail I send there.

Thursday, June 15, 1995

 

I’ve got lots to write about before I get any more backed up. I’ll try to go in order of events starting with yesterday. First of all, I can’t believe I’ve been married for one year! And with him for nearly two!

Yesterday morning I went to the dentist who told me pretty much what I figured she would. I felt doomed and really bummed out about it. All I could do was cry about it. Everyone has some form and degree of gum disease and I’ve got the beginnings of periodontal disease. My gums are sensitive and a bit inflamed. When I told her I’d love to have dentures she said there’s not one good thing about having them and if I take care of my teeth now I can have them for the rest of my life. She took x-rays and measured my gums and said I should see her 2-3 times for cleaning and fillings. She said if I put it off, I could run into serious trouble in 5-15 years. I do want to get this taken care of and over with, I just hope it won’t cost a fortune and that the bulk of it will be covered. I also need to see an orthodontist and an oral surgeon about the impacted baby tooth and wisdom teeth. Luckily these aren’t as urgent as the other stuff, but they will be eventually. I hope to have all this done and over with within a year. Tom’s gonna be calling to find out what the insurance will cover and then we can set something up.

We called and told my parents and you won’t believe what they told me! They don’t have a date yet, but sometime in the fall they and their bird will be on America’s Funniest Home Videos. They sent them a tape and they got a letter back saying they’d been accepted. Dad said the bird climbs down his throat and sings and laughs, as well as says about 60 words. He says he says stuff like, “Dureen come here.” Then if Ma ignores him he says, “I said, Dureen come here.” He also says, “Heidi,” and “Max, go make a duty,” and sings some song about a chicken going down the road. Well, we’ll be anxiously waiting for it to air and we’ll tape it. I’m sure Andy and Kim will, too.

Tom begins work on Tuesday at Bank of America, so I’ve got to reschedule my appointments with Doctors Rauche and Rugg. It’s only $8 an hour and 32 hours a week, but the hours are more flexible so he can get a second part-time job. Or maybe he’ll end up there 40 hours a week and get raised. It will be 8 AM - 4 PM Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday too, I think. Then, 10 AM - 4 PM on Thursday and 11 AM - 4 PM on Friday.

No obnoxious dog from next door, but I know them. There’ll be another show soon enough. Anything beats the kids, though.

Later...

Kim called yesterday, but before I discuss our funny chat, I’m surprised Andy forgot it was our anniversary today. I had asked him a few times in the last few months when it was and he had remembered, so I’m surprised he didn’t mention anything about it today when he left a message.

I’m a little disappointed Tammy never sent a card or called. I know not all people are good with cards, but I’d have really liked to have added her card to my binder. I’ll stick in the two we got, though (from our parents). It makes me wonder how she’d have been if we had had a kid. Would she call it? Write to it? Send it a birthday card? Well, I won’t ever have to worry about it. That’s for sure.

Tom and I made a deal (even though I’m not stupid and know the outcome). He said let’s not make any decisions until January. Let’s not get me the operation, pill, etc. till and if I’m not pregnant by January. Well, I won’t be pregnant by or after January, so maybe I’ll go on the pill. The pill’s supposed to stop your period or make it occur less often, I guess.

He contradicted himself again today. I was teasing him about an ongoing joke he says I tell a lot. I said something like, “If I’ve told you the story a lot, then tell me what day of the week it happened on.” Then he said, “I don’t remember. I’ve heard it so much that it’s gone so far back in my mind. That’s how it works with me.”

That’s not how he says it works with his not cumming. He says the more he hears about it, the more he can’t put it in the back of his mind where he claims he needs it to be to cum.

Uh-huh. Right.

Speaking of periods - what a weird half-assed one this has been. From the 10th to the 13th I had spotting. The last two days were barely more than spotting and now my pad’s as clear as can be. I charted it from the 13-15, though. My boob soreness isn’t all gone and I sure hope I’m not in pain with it built up or backed up or however you want to put it, before July’s period.

We got our “toys” in the mail which I’ll go through after a smoke.

Later...

The hummingbird, which is a clit vibrator for times Tom’s busy, working, or asleep, and the rose tattoos are out of stock, so they’ll be shipped eventually. We did get the body oils, chocolate Lick It and Love It cream, a porn tape, and 9 cards. The cards were of different women posed in different outfits and positions. I tried to draw a couple but had no luck yet. The free tape (like the cards) was so-so. I stroked Tom as we watched 4 different scenes. The tape was about 40 minutes long. The women did stuff with guys as well as with other women. First there were two women with one guy. Then a woman doing herself. Then two women and two guys, so I guess there were three 20-minute scenes. The chocolate cream is for when Tom goes down on me. The body oils do warm to the touch and they won’t make you shiver when it’s chilly or in the winter or if a cool draft blows on you. You can lick this stuff, too. I haven’t tasted any yet, but I’ve smelled them. I like the blueberry and cherry. The cinnamon is OK, but the tangerine is gross.

Later...

Kim called yesterday evening. She got her first letter from Bob all about my fuck you letter. She read this part where he cries, “I got a letter from Jodi telling me to fuck off and I’m a fucking, selfish geek and she’s right. I am the cause of my own problems and I lose everyone over stupidity.”

Then he claims he wrote on tons of envelopes and can’t always find someone willing to trade it for a plain one. If that’s true it’s cuz who wants corny messages on their envelopes? I got a letter from him yesterday he obviously wrote before my fuck off one hit. He lied to Kim about two things, though. He said my letters were getting farther apart, and that he won’t call me, but as I told her, he tried a few days ago.

She sent the edits which he said he got and liked.

Maybe we can turn Bob into a fun game. I’ll write a letter in handwriting he won’t recognize and send it to Kim to send to him. Maybe I’ll be a secret admirer that’s heard of his case and has seen him. Or maybe an enemy of his, like a friend of Chassidy D, the girl who he’s supposed to have raped. I’ll think about it and talk it over with Kim.

Now for today’s events. We typed each other up anniversary messages, then went to Castles & Coasters. The good part was that we filmed some of their gorgeous scenery. The bad part is that near the end of our course, I got overheated and nearly passed out, so I got some water and then we left.

We went across the street to the Metro Center mall where I found the most awesome bathing suit store I ever saw. We’re definitely gonna go back there, as I chose not to get anything there today. Why? Cuz I would’ve felt bad about getting something for me when this is supposed to be our day, so I wanted to get something for us.

Over at Best Buy, they had an awesome 6-CD changer with dual cassette, etc., but nope. Cuz that’d be only for me.

What we did end up buying for us was a $40 camera which is super nice with nice features. It beats that piece of shit Kim sent me. It’s a 35 mm with a place to put it on a tripod, and a timer so we can take a picture of us all by ourselves. It’s automatic with a transposing feature if that’s the right word for it. It lets you appear twice in one picture. I don’t know if we did it right, but we set it up to make it so I was sitting outside in the lounge and also kneeling beside it all in one picture. Cool, huh? We also got film, a camera case, a photo album, and a device that strips off a copy guard from videos.

Then we came home, went to Red Lobster later, came back, I took a quick dip in the pool, we screwed, and now I’m soooo tired! Bye!

Friday, June 16, 1995

 

There’s not much to write about now, other than that the address labels came. That was fast. I didn’t think they’d come till mid-July.

I’m really tired today, cuz yesterday I was up for 20 hours, then barely slept 6-7 hours.

Got a letter from Kim today, as well as an anniversary card from her.

Monday, June 19, 1995

 

There’s not a whole heck of a lot going on at the moment. No dogs and no calls or letters from Bob. Got a great Bob game idea. Let me finish making the spag I’m cooking, then I’ll discuss it.

Later...

I finished 84, so only one more left! Next is 85, then this one, etc. I used the pretty colored paper to print it out.

Tomorrow we’ll be sending videos to my parents, Tammy, and Larry. We didn’t get the chance to film us swimming yet, but we will eventually. They’ll see Castles & Coasters, Piggy swimming and sitting in a chair. They’ll see scenery out at Paradise Valley and a house tour.

I swear, though, if I don’t hear from Larry by the end of the summer - fuck it. I’m not gonna bother sending letters. I’ve only sent 3 in the last few months and I haven’t called. I told him I’d let him call me.

I’ll be doing a letter for “Bug” soon. That’s Diana’s nickname. I got another letter from her a few days ago. They’re nice, but I wish she’d mix more reality with her mumbo jumbo and not spray her damn perfume on the letters.

Later...

Yesterday we went to visit Mom and Dad for nearly two hours. Mom and I had an interesting chat while she fixed my halter top.

I sent my “Bob game” idea to Kim in a letter and I’m waiting to hear what she has to say about it. I’ve got two ideas.

Send a letter from a fellow inmate with a crush on him that didn’t quite have the guts yet to tell him to his face.

 

Send a letter from a friend of Chassidy’s. One not overly threatening, but then again - who cares if I did? He wouldn’t tell the guards and they wouldn’t give a shit or feel sorry for him anyway. The letter would be untraceable with no return address, and I’ve already sent threatening and wacky stuff to him. I’d disguise my handwriting and then send it to Kim to send to him.

 

Or I could combine the two ideas and say that I’m an unhappy friend of Chassidy’s. Also, I have an ex in there who’s got the hots for him.

Tom’s editing the videos now and taking out boring parts.

Tom slipped again yesterday, and yes, I set him up for it. I said, “We’re gonna have that talk in January,” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

He said with confidence, “Yup.”

I said, “We are for sure.”

He said, “I said we’re gonna discuss it,” then, “Don’t try to manipulate me,” he said in a very annoyed tone as he realized what I did and that I caught him.

I can’t believe my oh-so-perfect-in-every-other-way husband is doing this to me. How can my own husband insist his own wife is trying to manipulate him into allowing them to have a child? And since when is it considered manipulation for a woman to want her husband to allow them the child they agreed to have??? It’s probably jealousy and just something he’d really rather not deal with, no matter how many times a day he tells me otherwise. I didn’t want to admit it or believe it, but I know exactly what’s going on here.

Later...

Gonna be watching a movie in a few minutes, then I’ll be back to update a few things. Here are Tom’s hours first of all, which I’ll also copy into 54. Monday-Tuesday, 8 AM - 4:30 PM. Wednesday, 10 AM - 4 PM. Thursday-Friday, 11 AM - 4 PM.

Tuesday, June 20, 1995

 

The videos are on their way. Also, pictures we took (not to Larry). The transposed one had too much light, so you could see right through me. My “ghostly” picture is cool, though, and I was wrong when I said you could appear twice. You can appear as many times as you want.

I told Tammy about the video, who obviously hadn’t gotten the letter telling her about it yet. I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad, though, but Dad guessed exactly what I thought he’d guess - me singing.

Tammy left a message before I got up. Tom and I talked to her after. Bill’s had a setback. He’s got pneumonia and is in Bakus Hospital. She’ll keep me posted.

Alex and I went to chat live. I had gotten knocked offline. Before I did, though, he was showing me how to print out our convo. I printed the first half of our chat, then he left me a message later. He attached a file of our convo for me to download. I hit the download button, but nothing happened. I’ll have to ask Tom about it. It’s really cool, though, and I wish I had a lot of my phone convos printed out like that. Especially calls we made in Springfield.

Wednesday, June 21, 1995

 

Andy may be calling anytime now. I left a message for him to let me know if he can pick me up to see his place.

Tom’s really happy about his job at BOA (Bank of America). He says getting 40 hours a week looks very promising. I always did tell him that I doubted things will result in him needing another part-time job. So right now, he’s at $8 an hour, we still have Cigna benefits, he gets two weeks of vacation a year, and can also buy vacation hours.

He’s got great peace of mind right now and our lives are really back to normal.

Tammy says Bill’s doing better. I guess that explains why I didn’t have a horrible vibe about him.

Tom showed me how to get the file Alex sent of our convo and also how I can set it up the next time we chat. I sent copies of this to Tammy, Kim, Bug and my parents. I think they’ll think it’s pretty neat and Andy will see it too. He reads the letters I send Bug.

Got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. Almost a year ago we sent for info on a Gloria fan club. A form came today, and I ordered a year’s worth for $18.

My second word-search puzzle magazine was due on the 14th. It should arrive anytime soon, but that’s OK. I still have two backups.

I tried rearranging the icons on my desktop but had no luck. I’ll have Tom help me. Now that my world is really growing, I want to group stuff together, like games, etc.

Later...

Here’s what the fan club says I’ll get in my introductory membership kit: A welcome letter from Gloria, a Gloria Estefan biography, a Gloria Estefan 8x10 glossy autographed photograph, and a Gloria Estefan pin exclusive to members. It also goes on to say that after I get this (in 4-6 weeks) I’ll be receiving quarterly newsletters from the fan club keeping me up to date with her career, future projects, and personal life, complete with never before seen photos (I’ll be the judge of that). There will be special contests, chances to win backstage passes, front row tickets, personally autographed items, and jet-away trips to see Gloria around the world. Additional merchandise (such as Gloria Estefan T-shirts, hats, tour jackets, etc.) will be made available to fan club members at discounted rates.

I’d never want the concert tickets. Also, I had to laugh at the personal life update. Does that mean that if she were raped or had a fight with Emilio that we’d get to hear all about that, too?

Later...

I’ve been really slacking off with exercising. Who knows if I’ll ever use the activity chart on the last page of this book? Maybe I’ll find some other creative purpose for it if I don’t. I really should exercise, though. I’ve got all kinds of time to build myself a better body and I won’t ever be pregnant. I’ve got to motivate myself. My mother used to motivate me by calling me a fat pig. I won’t even bother to ask Tom to motivate me by calling me that, cuz there’s no way he would. That is an abusive way to motivate someone.

Later...

Now how could I be so stupid? A half-hour ago I reminded myself that there was a half-hour show I wanted to tape at 11:00, but forgot. Oh well. It wasn’t that important.

I heard the weirdest sound for a few seconds just now. Was it one of the kids next door, or a cat? I think it was a cat, but there is one thing I think more so about next door. I think they very well may be up to something illegal next door what with the way he’s in and out from 7-8 AM to 1-2 AM. They never sleep, so maybe they’re doing and dealing tweak while hiding behind the “American Family” appearance.

Tom said he heard yesterday that Linda Ronstadt’s father, Gilbert, died at age 84 of natural causes. So, I guess Linda’s not only very upset right now but is also in Tucson. Tucson’s about two hours away. About the same distance between Springfield and Boston. Tom said Ronstadt’s Hardware has been gone for eons. Well, it couldn’t have been gone before 1987-1988 cuz I called there.

Boy, my heart sure is racy tonight. Let me go relax for a few minutes before I get into what Tom told me.

Thursday, June 22, 1995

 

Yesterday Tom was very happy cuz of things falling into place, and they are. His job’s going well and we’ve been getting stuff done. Then he said he thinks I’m gonna be “surprised.”

Tonight he made a suggestion/request of me. He said, “We had a string of not-too-good luck. Things were breaking, there were paperwork problems, and now things are falling into place sooner than I thought they would. A week ago I wouldn’t have believed it would fall into place so soon and I don’t see why our string of good luck can’t continue. You call it compensation. I call it evening things out. I’m not gonna give you any promises that certain things will or won’t happen, but I’ll give you a date of July 15 (Linda’s birthday). Have the attitude that till then, you’ll just let whatever happens to happen without resisting it. Then on July 15 you can prioritize things and decide what’s possible or not.”

I’m not too sure what he means by this, but I said I thought that I was supposed to decide this in January. He said, “No, January’s when you decide whether or not to get a hysterectomy.”

I’m not surprised he worded it: “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy” rather than, “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy if you’re not pregnant by then.”

I think I know what this is all about. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Cum within the next few months? Yeah, right!! I think this is about his “coming out” and in his own way, he’s gonna tell me or show me, “Yes, I was wrong in leading you on. I never meant to cum or for us to have a kid. Not now. Not ever.”

When I see that he doesn’t cum tomorrow morning when we fool around, or ever, and when he “comes out” with it, what am I gonna do? What could I do? With or without him in my life, there’ll always be a part of me that’ll miss having a kid and I’ll always believe there’d have been a great chance I was sterile anyway, but there’s another side of it that’s positive. I love him. Yes, he should have told me outright upfront, but I understand he just didn’t want to hurt me with the truth. Also, this way we can sleep, have lives, and have each other, and much much more.

Later...

I just marked some exercises I did on the activity chart.

Yup, they’re definitely up to something illegal next door. From 9:30 PM-1:30 AM, I heard the guy come and go 4 times. I also thought I heard him loading/unloading whatever a few times. It definitely takes something like tweak for this type of activity and also to sleep only 4-5 hours every night.

With the exception of 85, which I’m currently typing up, I updated my stats. I omitted the minutes this time around cuz I didn’t trust their accuracy. I did the dates they were created, pages words, and characters. I did this several pages down where there were no decals.

Later...

Yesterday morning Tom helped me to arrange my icons in the way I ordered them. Got that done in a jiffy.

Now I’m beginning another task. Along with finishing up my medley, I’m going through the 6 convo tapes I have to edit stuff I may haven’t edited yet. I went through the first one, but not to edit anything yet. The label on which I wrote the contents of the tape, was sort of vague and messy. So, I rewrote a new index label with more specifics. I left Andy a message letting him know my plans and I hope he’ll take my offer. I offered to dub these convo tapes for him. I know there’s plenty of stuff he’ll love and has always enjoyed and it’d be a favor to me, too. Why? Cuz, they could be backups like the backup edit tapes he has. When I get done going through them, I’ll write an index in here of all 6 tapes before I edit stuff.

Although I love our sexual encounters and have no problem getting off, it’s still weird. I expect and am used to it being one-sided, but it’s still weird. Sex is only for me. He expects nothing from it. No orgasms and certainly not a kid. Whether we want a kid or not, I just can’t ever imagine my wanting to always get off by myself only when there’s someone around who I’m attracted to as well as love.

Later...

Just talked to Andy. As soon as he can give me five 90-minute tapes, he will. Great. That means as much to me as it did to him when I taped his soaps. He’ll have plenty of laughs while I have peace of mind. If the master tape were to get eaten, I’d be fucked. I’m not about to lose any more tapes if I can help it. The pigs in S. Deerfield made me lose enough. Also, if I’m gonna have backups, why have them sit around here when I know he could be enjoying them?

He also needs more “funny notes” written up to distribute. No prob. I’ll do it on the computer this time.

Friday, June 23, 1995

 

I could be in a much better mood right now. I’ll have to see Dr. Rauche about the new inhaler. It seems since I’ve taken it I’ve been having a hard/rapid heartbeat, and felt almost panicky and depressed. I don’t know how much of a connection there could be if any at all. I know a lot of it is the game I fear my otherwise loving husband’s playing with me. When his actions don’t fit his words, what can I think or do? Now I find myself anxious for January so I can get a hysterectomy or go on the pill. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when I hardly ever thought of a kid and if I did, it wasn’t such a big deal as it is today. Life has got and could have too many more wonderful and more important things that are possible and practical for me to waste my time dwelling on something I can never have. But how do I deal with it? I can’t turn it off or block it out, so how do I deal with it? They say that without dreams you’re dead. Yeah, well, I’m sick and tired of having too many impossible dreams.

I can’t believe him anymore. I just can’t. I can believe him about anything else, but not when he says I can have it, he wants it too, etc.

Why do I have this sure feeling, though, that we never would’ve started off sexually on the “wrong foot” if I were on some kind of contraceptive all along? I know he didn’t seem to be too thrilled about the kids shutting up next door, but why is he doing this to me? All I can think of is the same things - maybe he really does think it’ll kill me, come between us, I couldn’t handle it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he’d feel left out, etc. There are other things too, that could be going through his mind. Money. How fat it’d make me. I know he’d still love me if I were that fat, but I’m sure he’d prefer me not to be fat and he knows real damn well how I’d feel about it, so there could be a lot of things about it that play on his mind, as well as that play on my mind. I cringe every time I hear my sister’s and plenty of other mothers’ words.

Even I couldn’t cum yesterday. The main thing about it was that I felt hurried cuz he has little stamina. I also feel sex is for me only and that he’s just not into it. He also seems weird after sex. Almost bitter and like he wants to avoid me for a while after. He mentioned my suggestion again about him going down on me first, then he can go in there for a shorter time. Why is sex always so complicated? And more so - how can it be this complicated? I mean, a few hours later, I had no problem taking care of myself.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not God really exists. There have been several things in my life and in this world that make me think He does and He doesn’t. That He’s both good and evil. That He’s all good, but that a devil also exists.

Earlier when my racing heart got me all panicked, I prayed for it to stop. It did. It seems “easy" prayers are answerable, and that while I’ve been blessed with skills, talents, fairly decent looks, improved health and relationships with family and Andy, Arizona and Tom, I fear that God or someone is determined to see that I never become a singer or have a child.

Again I have to ask myself - what if I did have these things? Would I regret it more than anything else? Would I wish for these days back? Would I be sorrier than all hell and feel I’ve made the biggest mistakes ever? I guess I’ll never know, will I? Tom says I hold the key to these dreams. Perhaps I do with the singing. With the kid, he holds the key. What more can I or any other woman do but lie back and spread their legs?

He swears he doesn’t blame me for his so-called “problem.” Well, I sure as hell feel he blames me. What are we gonna do? Blame each other for the rest of our lives? I will always love him, but yes, there’ll always be some resentment on my part. However, I have a feeling that I won’t feel this way when I’m older, or resentful. I think and hope I’ll feel glad things turned out the way they did. After all, it seems it can only work out for the better in the long run.

Later...

Got a letter from Kim which I’ll respond to by Monday. Today, I’ll mail off letters to Tammy and my folks.

I’m not too thrilled with Tom for putting off the cigarette machine and the bee machine, but what else is new? I figured as much, anyway, when he said they’d be done months ago. You see, this is what I don’t get. Initially, I thought he was trying to instill patience into me to make it easier for me to deal with a kid. He also said he hoped I’d get used to the kid’s noise next door cuz he wants a kid, so maybe that’s got him upset. Anyway, now I know he’d like me to be more patient just to make things easier. I hate to say this, though, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being impatient. It shows how much the person wants something. That’s all.

There’s another thing I don’t get. If God wants more people with bad qualities to have a kid, then I wonder why I don’t qualify. I’m impatient, still have somewhat of a temper, and am moody when I have PMS. What’s wrong then? It’s probably cuz I want it whether or not I’d be regretful if I had one. Lord only knows that Andy’s friend’s girlfriend who’s had an abortion cuz she’s only 19 is a dime a dozen.

Something definitely does want to keep the saying, “life isn’t fair” ringing true. I’m not saying it’s unfair all of the time, but it sure is a lot, if not most of the time.

It’s nice to know, though, that some of my “easier prayers” just might be answered.

There’s a good side to Tom’s procrastination. A week or two ago he said he’d read my story within a few weeks. I doubt it. Plus, if he did, he either wouldn’t finish it or wouldn’t finish it until the year 2000. I know him. The good part of it is, it’ll spare me some serious embarrassment. Unless it’s something funny or non-personal, I always keep my writing to myself. Both story writing and journal writing. As sensitive as Tom is, he would totally die if he ever read my journals. Especially stuff on him, even though he knows pretty much everything from journal 1 - this one. For stuff that didn’t concern him, he’d either be bored, cracking up, or quite embarrassed for me.

I mentioned his “slip” to him the other day which he denied and insists I misinterpreted. The part of it that’s kind of funny is that I had written “T-slip” on my journal notepad. Well, I think he may have seen it. However, he knows and understands that it’s my right to write whatever I want in my journals.

Do I think he reads them on the computer while I’m asleep? I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. In fact, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t.

If he wrote a journal that I didn’t know about, would I want to read it if he didn’t know I would? Yes. That’s me, though. We’re two different people.

What would I look for? Any confirmations and stuff like - I’m afraid to cum cuz a baby isn’t what I really want and am afraid to let her down by saying so. I’m also afraid to let her down by telling her I doubt she could handle it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. She smokes, has no patience, can be aggressive and would really bitch all the more about being fat. She’s boring in bed and not all that attractive and we can’t sleep together. I can’t keep up the “so-called problem I have with cumming” game forever. So, I’ll tell her she can have a hysterectomy or go on the pill, cuz I’ll never admit to her that I could’ve cum all along.

I’m sure way more so, though, that I would not read his journal if he had a secret one, cuz I’d have to live with the guilt. I’d also have a hell of a time suppressing my anger, too. It’d be different if he confessed this stuff to me personally. He should’ve upfront. However, I hope he finds the will to someday. Better late than never, regardless of how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish to hell I could find out from Wendy what he’s said about this subject, but I know she’ll tell him. In some subtle ways, he did confess when we first met but obviously decided to go along with me as he saw my desire for a child grow. Before I write the statements I can remember off the top of my head - there’s another thing, though. Several months ago, he claimed I brought him out of his rut with that issue. After one of my surgeries, he said, “Sometimes I’d rather wait 20 years so I don’t have to deal with it.” There’s been other stuff like, “It’s way in the future,” “I don’t know if it’s what I want,” “You’re not going to have a child,” “I don’t see it,” etc.

Later...

I hope Tom gets up soon so we can have “chocolate fun” after he eats and digests. He still hasn’t gone down on me with the chocolate and said he wanted to wait till I’m at the point where I can change sheets after. Good point. It’s gonna be quite messy. We can do it on the comforter, cuz that’s got to be washed today.

I was surprised to hear him say he felt there were no pros to his either cumming or not cumming. Especially when he’s such a “middle” man who tries to stay in the gray area of things and feels things have both pros and cons as I do. I’m surprised he didn’t say the pros to not cumming would be keeping the bed clean and I thought the pro to his cumming was supposed to be a baby?

I’m sure getting it out of my system tonight in print, huh? That’s cuz I’m reluctant to talk to him. I know I can, and most of the time it helps, but I still also feel his telling me I can talk to him is a burden to him.

Yesterday he said something like (I can’t remember his exact words) I like having stuff to be upset about. Yeah, right. If that’s his attitude, I would rather cry in my room alone or in this book.

My not being able to keep a schedule may also give him a “baby block,” but he denies that.

I just don’t know what to do, think, or believe and I probably never will.

Later...

I’ve got so much to say, that it’s so overwhelming. The more I have to say, the more my mind goes blank. I don’t even know where to begin. I hope I remember everything, although I know that remembering some is better than none. This pen could never keep up with my thoughts, so tomorrow I’ll type stuff up after I’m rested and recharged. Can’t say that my typing will be able to keep up with my thoughts, either, but I’ll do my best.

Sunday, June 25, 1995

 

Boy, do I ever have a million things to write about! I kind of wish I did write a day or two ago, cuz now I’ll never remember every little thing I wanted to say. I’ll try to remember as much as I can later.

Before I do, though, I got a dismissal notice from jury duty! Great.

I finished part 4 of my story and printed it out.

Today we’re going food shopping, then out to wherever. I gotta do laundry today and we’ll probably go swimming. We may go out to breakfast at a buffet.

My parents and Tammy got the tapes and pictures. They all say I look the same size, and yes, they can see my tan. Cool. Ma says that in future tapes she wants to see more of our faces. They know, though, that this was our first “practice tape” and that we wanted them to see some scenery. They all agree on how beautiful Castles & Coasters is.

Later...

Things have been fine so far, but last Friday was horrible. All we did was argue all morning and I was so fed up and pissed off. Just totally frustrated. Most of the details of what we discussed aren’t fresh in my mind now, but I’ll try to remember whatever I can. It seemed like when we talked, one subject would lead to another and as I was cleared up about one thing, I’d become confused by another.

He tells me that one of the biggest things that keeps him from cumming is our not sleeping together. This is understandable, but then how could he cum with Wendy when they weren’t sleeping together? He didn’t even answer that one. Instead, he got upset that I brought her up. I know exactly why it is. It’s cuz she was on a contraceptive. When I commented on us maybe not getting off on the “wrong foot” sexually if I had been on some kind of contraceptive, he said nothing. His silence about these two things spoke a lot of words and confirmations as far as I was concerned.

We talked about a lot of things I’ve written about, but boy did I get ticked off when he made the comment suggesting that maybe the people I said were bad was an exaggeration on my part. Well, all that matters is that I know who was what. What he doesn’t know or understand won’t hurt him and he couldn’t possibly fully understand, cuz he never walked in my shoes. Yes, Tom’s understood me more than anyone else ever has, including Andy, but it makes me more reluctant to talk to him about personal stuff.

He said that now he doesn’t know how in the world he can get stuff done by July 15th. Meaning, the business, recording stuff, and making any changes in our sex life. This is all just one big excuse to me. If he’s not serious about the business or anything else, then fine. And if I get serious about singing more often, then how do I know I can count on him to do his part when he says he will? I know the way he procrastinates.

He told me Cigna’s got therapists, so anytime I ever want one, I can make an appointment. He said he didn’t want to go with me to one cuz it’d be another commitment. What about the commitment it’d be to take me there and back? He’s embarrassed and has even said so. I’d never see one cuz there’s nothing one could do for me and they would definitely want to see him here and there, too. I know he’s got enough commitments, but how would he deal with the commitment of a kid? I asked him this and he said it was a matter of priorities. I guess so, cuz he’s not one to run away from commitments which he handles better than most of the people I’ve ever known.

He told me that if I understood my fears and doubts about being a singer or having a kid, then they wouldn’t be such depressing issues that control my life. Well, I do understand my fears and doubts very well.

Like with love and attraction, people can’t often control what bothers them. All I can do is try my best to deal with it and remind myself that in time it’ll lessen and not be a big deal. Me knowing I’ll never have a kid is already starting to be easier to deal with. It’s just a slow and long process that doesn’t happen overnight. It took me years to deal with knowing I’d never make it as a singer in the kind of way I wanted to when I was younger. I dealt with the singing, I dealt with the women and other issues. I’ll deal with this one too. I just can’t speed up the process of it. I told Tom too, that someday I’d look back at this day and laugh and be grateful we didn’t have a kid and that things turned out the way they did. Like I said, I do have my fears and doubts and know that there are lots of pros to not having a kid whether I want one or not.

I don’t want to do this, but sometimes I still feel that sex complicates things and that we’d be better off not doing it or just doing oral stuff. I can’t change Tom any more than he can change me. It’s always gonna be his choice to cum or not to cum.

The next day he said he was sorry he made me feel he couldn’t talk to me about personal stuff and that we argued all day. He said he never wants to fight with me and that we can talk about it all weekend. So far we haven’t and I’d rather keep it that way. I don’t want to fight either and I know I’m not perfect either, but I don’t want to go through the same old shit all the time. I don’t want to do anything to stall the process of putting not having a kid behind me in the way that I did with other issues. I’ll always love to sing and I’ll always be attracted to women, but I want to be able to deal with never having a kid the way I’ve come to be able to deal with other issues. I don’t want him or myself leading me on and giving me false hope with July 15th or any other dates.

Monday, June 26, 1995

 

Things are still going really well around here. We’ve been busy and productive and we’re looking forward to the week.

We haven’t had sex since the 22nd and we both miss that, of course! We’ll be catching up on that. I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made the kid this week?”

Then Tom very seriously replied, “It’s a big possibility. We’ll have the time, so I hope that doesn’t scare you.”

How can something I know won’t and can’t happen scare me?

Later...

Yesterday Tom put up a new ceiling fan we got. It’s white with a globe for one bulb and all 3 speeds work.

Tom’s gonna have a surprise when he comes home Wednesday which is his birthday. I’ll be up that morning before he is, so I’ll sneak a post-it note out to his car that says - Surprise!! Happy Birthday! I Love You!!!!

I’ll put it on his windshield. Then when he comes home I’ll have a note on the garage door that says - look under the clock radio in little room in back. There’ll be a note there saying - look in the microwave. Then - look in the washer. Then - look in the freezer. Then - look in the living room drawer with the lamp. Then - look in the medicine cabinet. Then - look under your pillow. Lastly - look inside the front cover of Journal 94 where there’ll be a birthday note.

I’m also gonna try to stick a candle in two hot dogs for him. Hot dogs are his favorite.

Later...

What shall I make us for dinner tonight? Maybe in half an hour, I’ll throw in some pork chops and tater tots.

We got a total of 9 cards with drawings of women in sexy poses when we got our sex toys. There were two I didn’t really like so I threw them in NPN envelopes.

My clit vibrator hasn’t come yet, but I got my tattoos today. There was a rose/leaves one you use as an ankle bracelet or for the wrist as a bracelet. I’ve got that on my wrist. On my left upper arm, I have a sword with a snake and roses around it. On my right forearm is a red rose, right hand is 3 ladybugs, back has a rainbow/clouds, and my chest has a heart. There’s a rose on one tit and lips on the other. My stomach has a star, my ass says “true love” heart, my groin area has 2 stars, my hip has a butterfly, my thigh has a heart, and lightning bolts are on my ankle.

I have a few more left too. A sword through a heart, 3 small double hearts, a butterfly, a rose, and a yellow carnation. I also have a black widow, but - no thanks. Who’d want to wear that? If not a male, then a druggie, butch, or a hooker, but it isn’t me.

I recorded myself singing The Sweetest Gift twice, then Andy called. I really thought he was gonna crack up, but he loved it and said it was the best ever, except for one note. Yeah, I slipped on a few notes, but at least I know he’s always honest. Before we hung up, he had me sing part of Heatwave on his outgoing message.

Tuesday, June 27, 1995

 

Tom just got up and is eating. He was supposed to go for jury duty today, but it’s been postponed to his birthday, which is tomorrow.

I’m doing something different. Printing out a journal as I type it. The colored paper prints nicely back to back, so I’ve got 20 pages printed out on 10 sheets. It saves room this way and I’ve made the print bigger.

I just wrote Bob’s letter from Chassidy’s “friend.” I disguised my handwriting and will send it to Kim to send to him with no return address. I deliberately changed the way I usually word things. That phone number is a bogus one to confuse him, too. Here’s what I wrote:

To Bob,

I am a friend of Chassidy’s. I am an enemy of yours. I have a story to tell you. There is an ex-boyfriend of mine who is an inmate there and he has the desire to get it on with you! I think he just might do that too when you least expect it! Be ready for it.

I know you’ll never get out of there alive and if you know what’s best for you - you will hope you don’t because we are waiting for you! Don’t bother calling 863-7710 because no one there can help you. The next time you call Chassidy a slut, remember I am currently dating a guard there.

He will take care of you and see to it that my X and you get together!

I would tell you to watch your back - but even that will do you no good. I know you have been convicted of rape & molestation twice before.

I will be seeing you.

Later...

Excuses, excuses! Whether they’re legit or not, is beside the point. The point is - I’m sick of waiting for things. The bee machine, the cigarette machine, etc. Going into business is as big of a joke as the kid is.

Wednesday, June 28, 1995

 

Tom’s 38 today and has found all his notes and his card. He’ll be home anywhere between noon - 5 PM today.

Unfortunately, he has an ear infection. I’ve been treating it with alcohol and peroxide, so hopefully that’ll cure it.

He’s been dismissed from jury duty, too.

I saw Gloria on Oprah. She sang well but does look awful chunky. Her baby’s cute, though, whereas most babies are ugly. Nayib’s taller than her now.

Andy finally got his 70s CD. I have some uncool news concerning him, but I’ll get to it after I check out a movie I taped.

Also, a cool talk I had with Lisa. Tammy asked why I didn’t tell her today was Tom’s birthday. I could’ve sworn I did in a letter.

Later...

Well, I’ve got two signs telling me I may be ovulating. I have quick, faint cramps and my temperature’s up. Well, it doesn’t do me much good anyway, with a guy who will never cum, does it? He can say he wants a kid a million times a day, but what do I say? He never really wanted it that bad. When and if he does - he’ll cum. You only ovulate for 1-3 days, so by the time we do get around to having sex, it’ll be too late. Plus, I still don’t know if it’ll be that easy for me to screw when I know that all that’s going through his mind is, don’t cum. Just take care of her. He’s even said how he’s easy, so why doesn’t he just have me stroke him by hand and go down on me?

I told him last night that I can see myself dancing from November - February. It seems logical. He said he disagrees and that there’ll be things going on here. Yeah, right. We both know nothing more will be going on here than what already does. Believe me, though. I’m busy enough with all my hobbies.

Yesterday I finished typing up the last journal! It took me a little over a year from 4/13/1994 - 6/27/1995. It would have been just under a year if I had not typed up my story journals and 69 with my people write-ups which I hadn’t planned to do originally.

My second word-seek magazine came yesterday.

Later...

Here’s my not-so-cool news concerning Andy. About a couple of weeks ago, he waited on a couple of young girls at work. One or both of them had a stepmother who they say’s a real bitch and was milking their dad’s money who had just died. The girls are from Florida and the stepmother lives in Sun City. Andy offered to call and say weird stuff to the stepmother and the girls were like, “Oh, could you?!” So on the night of June 7th, I believe it was, Andy called me and said he just called there once. Then he called twice more and we both said weird stuff. Nothing threatening or sexual, cuz we haven’t done that shit since around 1988. He did most of the talking and I might have read a few lines from journals. I know I said something like - The green leprechaun jumped off of my box of Lucky Charms and started singing to me.

So anyway, Andy called me saying he got a message to call a detective in Sun City and he called with me on the line listening. Andy did fine, except for being too slow in answering questions, not insisting it was a friend of Diana’s, and asking if his voice was heard on a tape of the conversation that the detective claims he has which is bullshit. I know it couldn’t have been taped cuz of the way he was reading our quotes from a report form and also cuz half of it was bullshit. We never said we’d burn the place down, or knew what the woman was wearing that day, and a few other things. The woman in Sun City must’ve thrown in a few lies and exaggerations.

When Andy asked if his voice was the one he heard, the pig said he’d have to run it through all this high-tech equipment I know they don’t have and wouldn’t use in a case like this even if he did have it. Also, if he did have a tape, he’d be able to say he recognized Andy’s voice. The pig also said the name of the stepdaughter is Claudia who he thinks is the main culprit in all this and that started the whole thing.

So, the stepmother suspects the stepdaughter, huh? And we never ever mentioned a connection cuz Andy swore he wouldn’t. Andy denied knowing anything about it which is good, and I told him I highly doubt it’d go to court, but if it did, I’d go with him. Also, if he was to be going to court, it’d be subpoena first, questions afterward in court. I doubt he’d be spoken to about it first.

Andy mentioned Diana’s name but said he doubted she would do a thing like that and she didn’t. She was just there in the room. The pig acted as if he knew her and Diana do have a record. The pig sounded like he just wanted to clear it up without it turning into a big deal, but I told him that he and Diana should deny it, even if it did come down to court and to keep my name out of it cuz of my record even if it’s just petty prank calls. Also, never trust a pig.

So, he had me call Diana at work and I filled her in on the scoop. She didn’t seem upset and said there’d be no problem. She’d just deny it and keep my name out of it.

When I got up at 5:00 this morning there was a message from Andy which he left at around 9:00 last night for me to call him ASAP. He had already gone to sleep, but I listened to his messages. There was one from Bug saying she was upset with him, I called her and so did a detective, and why did her name have to get dragged into it at all? Who knows why she was upset but I sure hope to hell my name didn’t get into it as she promised. I don’t know if I can trust her, although Andy says I can. I’ll have to see that for myself.

Although the calls were traced to Andy’s phone with *57, I told him this morning on his machine that if the pig calls back to say, “Look. Either charge me or drop it. I won’t say anything to you at all without a court-appointed attorney, so charge me or drop it and I’ll make sure no one gets access to my phone.”

I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if my name’s in it or what. Or if he’ll have to go to court. He only made 3 calls 2-3 weeks ago, so I don’t know if they’d charge him. This is Phoenix and not Deerfield, but time will only tell.

Later...

Tom got a birthday package from my parents. It looks like it could be a shirt. We’ll see when he gets home which could be at any time from now until 5 PM. I hope he doesn’t come home before I get to talk to Andy. The last thing I want is for him to be in this and to feel let down. I know how he worries, too. Andy usually sleeps from 5 AM-1 PM.

He still likes living where he is but says his neighbor’s music is still too loud. The guy’s a dealer and in a gang, so I hope it works out for him. This world has such a “hear me!” obsession.

A palm tree’s coming up in the corner of the block wall by the pool. Cool.

I’ll still write about Lisa and other shit later.

Later...

I talked to Andy and Bug and Bug said she was gonna blow off talking to the pig. I told them both never to talk to him again without a lawyer, but Andy called him back.

He said he asked Andy who the woman was singing on his machine, but he wouldn’t give out my name. Then he said the pig said he taped his voice, Bug’s voice, and my singing, is gonna use it to determine who the two voices belong to, will charge both people, he’ll hear from US West, lose his phone, and go to court.

Who the fuck knows for sure if we can really trust Diana who calmly and confidently swore she’d keep my name out of it. Andy still feels it’s all a scare tactic to try to trick him into confessing, and I sure hope so. If he’s willing to charge this second person, then why wasn’t he charged when I got in trouble for calls we made together on my phone back east? And with that asshole Ron in 1986? I told him that I know praying works for him, so he may try praying he doesn’t have to go to court. This pig can’t have us on tape. There’s no way, cuz then the little fuck would know that we did not make any threats. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I hope Andy and Bug keep their mouths shut. I also happen to know it’s illegal to tape someone without their knowing it. I was charged with it.

Later...

Tom just got home and opened his package. Along with a card and a pretty happy birthday bag, were two flags. A huge American flag and one of a horse the same size as our Noah’s Arc one. It’s nice that they remembered how he loves horses. They remember a lot of things these days, whereas up to a few years ago, they didn’t remember shit. Either that or they just didn’t care.

I hope Andy doesn’t call anymore today. I really don’t want to discuss any more of this phone, Bug, and pig shit anymore right now.

Yesterday’s chat with Lisa was cool. We mainly talked about music. I had no idea I was in her discussions as much. She said she told her music teacher at school that she had a talented aunt who sings and plays the guitar out in Arizona. Well, that’s nice, but I reminded her how much I’ve been slacking off on my guitar.

She said in an unfortunate tone of voice, “I’m the only one in my family who likes to sing.”

I said, “So? I’m the only one in mine who likes to sing, but that’s OK.”

Then she said she was gonna take the $800 she expected to get from her bat mitzvah at age 13 and come out here by herself. Of course, Tammy had no idea about it.

She also told me about school and some trouble she made. She wishes we were closer so we could sing and she hates it there, too. She feels bad for not writing as much, but will now that school’s out. She said Tom has to write to her and she mentioned something about sending songs she wrote. She’s got 4 journals in which she says she sometimes swears in and calls her sisters little brats.

Anyway, I’m sending her all 19 of my songs cuz she says she can’t find any of them.

A little while ago, when I made Tom a hot dog, I jammed a candle into it which wasn’t the easiest thing to do. He was laughing his ass off.

Later...

We went in the pool and the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then Tammy called to wish Tom a happy birthday.

Bill had to go into the hospital again for tests, has chickenpox cuz he’s got no immune system, and Becky was crying like hell. Shockingly and amazingly enough, though, she maintained a sense of humor that she almost never has even when things aren’t going so bad. I’m getting tired so I’ll write about it later or tomorrow.

First though, we still haven’t had sex and I can’t say I’m disappointed about it, either. He did some touching in the pool, but he’s probably waiting till he comes closer to the end of his day when he’ll be more tired to make it easier to keep from cumming. He does that a lot and he probably knows I could be ovulating.

Thursday, June 29, 1995

 

Tom wanted to screw me yesterday, but I told him I could only handle oral right now, so that’s all we did. I told him why intercourse was getting more and more awkward for me. Also, that oral should be for me, my doing him by hand for him, and screwing for us. Meanwhile, although he said he agreed, I feel screwing’s only for me. We talked about it last night, but who knows what we’re gonna do?

This morning he apologized for saying mean things to me last night.

What mean things? I don’t remember him saying mean things.

I respect his belief that our sex life will continue to improve and that we can have a kid, but I don’t think he’s too happy with what I feel. He knows he and I can’t change what I feel, though. He wishes I would have the “you never know” attitude and not blame either one of us or be dead set in my mind that we can’t have a kid. I agree that it’s best for me not to blame either one of us, but I can’t make myself believe it’s possible. The only way I could believe it was possible would be if he came regularly and I still wasn’t getting pregnant.

Later...

Besides typing this up, I’ve got to get on with my 5th storybook which will be in journal 91. I began next week’s letter to my parents, but not Kim and Tammy’s yet.

Tammy and I were teasing each other yesterday over the phone. We each said we were bitches in the past and Tammy reminded me of how when she and Larry would feed me, I’d eat so slow that they’d eat my food.

Each of us had our own reason for why we had it the worst. I had it the worst cuz I was the youngest and got sent away, as far as I’m concerned. Tammy felt she had it the worst cuz of Larry kicking her around, which is an unpleasant memory for me.

Then sarcastically she goes, “And of course, you were so cute.”

As far as I remember, I was a chubby geek who was stupid throughout most of my childhood. I was always jealous of others cuz they were smarter than me, prettier, or had the kinds of parents I wished I’d had.

I’m not perfect, but nowadays I can say differently after years of hard work. I feel I’m smart and not too bad looking. I think most of us get smarter and better looking with age. I just never thought I’d know as much as I do or hold my weight steadily at or near 100 pounds for nearly 10 years.

Tammy and Tom were talking while I was still in the shower. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday. She told him she was trying to shoot a fox with a shotgun that kept going after their chickens. That oughta be a funny sight to see.

Later...

Andy left a message saying to wait till he tells me all about a feeling he had that came true. Oh, how I hope to hell it’s not something like him having a feeling that Bug would give my name to that pig, then she did. I will fucking kill her if she does, I swear! Anyway, he’ll call me when he gets up.

Later...

Andy should be calling anytime now. I only hope he doesn’t have horrible news for me. He told me in his message last night how he accidentally recorded over some classic scenes from his soaps.

I told him I have a theory or an idea. It sounds bizarre and doubtful that may be only wishful thinking, but instead of God having us go to court, maybe He’ll do something else. Maybe his accidental recording over that tape will be his punishment cuz God knows we sure as hell ain’t gonna do this again. For me, maybe it’ll be not ever having a kid, but that’s not in my cards anyway. We’ll just have to see.

I’m up to April 20th of my typing up this book. I did the dishes and went for a dip in the pool. As hot as it is, I’m gonna cook us pork chops, mashed potatoes, and maybe even butter noodles. I meant to say I’ll cook us baked potatoes. I think I’ll go read and do some word seek puzzles. Tomorrow my library book needs to be renewed.

Later...

I wish Andy would hurry up and call. I’ve been racking my brain trying it figure out what the hell he could be talking about, but haven’t been able to think of it. I suppose it could have something to do with the calls cuz he wouldn’t leave it on the machine for Tom to possibly hear. Maybe there was trouble at work for him, who knows?

When I suggested praying since it works for him, he said that God wants us to take responsibility for our faults. Although, I did pray to Him over the bogus threats the cop said we made. I know I’m not guilty of that, I told Him. The pig could be bluffing, though.

He told me he didn’t have a good vibe or a bad vibe. He said he had an unsure vibe. I sure as hell don’t know what to think or what I feel. It obviously isn’t gonna just go away, so I hope to hell it can be worked out somehow and that my name keeps the hell out of it. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s Bug that we just can never be too sure about, but if she goes back on her word to me about not mentioning my name, she will be very, very sorry. And I’m not gonna warn her of this promise, either. I’m just gonna pounce on her by surprise in whatever way I see fit if need be. I only hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I’m so bored out of my mind now, so I guess I’ll go listen to some old tapes of conversations.

Later...

Well, Andy’s not up yet cuz I just called his VM and he hasn’t gotten my message yet. I’ll just keep waiting, but once again, I hope he calls before Tom gets home.

I think I’ll listen to the tapes another time. It’d be hard to hear with all the fans we’ve got on. The one in my room is noisy and the fan on the stand in the living room is semi-noisy, but the ceiling fans in the living room and back room are pretty quiet. Tom says that as soon as that big incentive check comes, we can check out a better AC system. That’d be nice cuz once it gets over 105º the EC is useless. Over the last few days, we couldn’t keep this place under 82º, but it’s better than the winter and the pool temp’s great. The AC we have isn’t efficient, as I’ve said before. When the monsoons come in August when it’s more humid, a million ECs would do us no good.

Later...

Andy called a few hours ago saying he and Bug haven’t heard anything from the pig.

What his feeling was all about was that last night he sensed pigs nearby. Later his neighbor told him they were called to a domestic dispute next door. He said thank God they didn’t knock on his door cuz he was smoking a joint.

I’m gonna tape his soaps for tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what’s wrong with his VCR, but his friend Pam lent him a VCR that he was having trouble hooking up.

Tomorrow morning we’re gonna bomb. We’ll go through a drive-through, then to his parent’s house.

Tom got in around 2:30, then we went swimming and we just finished eating. I made pork chops and baked potatoes.

Later...

Well, well. We actually screwed. Believe it or not, I didn’t cum either, but it was awesome. The variety of his movements with his hands as well as his dick was pretty amazing. I think the only reason I didn’t cum was due to the heat and the moisture. Moisture makes his job easier, but my hand slips off my clit. Plus, I wanted to hurry up so he wouldn’t die.

I wish my hummingbird would hurry up and arrive. That’s the clit vibrator. Sometime after the first it will, I guess. Now knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid has got me thinking more about my singing. Due to my being dumb enough to let myself get caught up in something that could never happen, I’ve neglected my music. If only always just for fun, I’ve wasted time crying over the impossible when I could’ve been creating music.

[percontaion-points]

Delicious Monsters chapters 19 & 20

Today's review might be difficult for some; reader discretion is advised

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Click here for the rest of the series!

Chapter 19

“I need you to listen to me, Daisy. Really listen to me. We can’t have any more unpredictable things like what went down the other day. That shouldn’t have happened at all. That wasn’t in the plan.”

Why do I get the feeling that a plane could have literally crashed on top of Daisy, and Grace would still find a way to blame it on her daughter?

I wondered now if she had experienced anything like I had inside the house. If that’s why she was avoiding it. 

Again, why the fuck did she take the house if that’s the case?

 I could count on several fingers the times when Noah had cut off contact because he was upset with me.

Girl, that should have been your first clue to run. 

“You can’t control me.” 

“I’m not trying to control you. I’m trying to give you advice. If you wanted to go skating, and I told you the ice was too thin for that this time of year, would you go just because you thought I was controlling you? Or would you figure that, living here all my life, maybe I know a thing or two about ice thickness and was trying to help?”

 I squished down farther in the seat. When he put it like that, it made me look like some impulsive and reckless person who did the opposite of what people said for the sake of it.

I am once again stating that telling people “Don’t go into the house!” without actually telling them why isn’t exactly going to convince them to stay out. 

Every single person in Daisy’s life has completely and utterly failed her. Every single one of them. 

“I mean, why would you want to go inside?”

WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU?!

The house now belongs to Daisy’s mum; she’s fucking living there! Every single person tells her not to do it, but can’t be arsed to actually tell her why! 

“My mom and aunts want your mom’s business to fail because of how dangerous that place is.”

From the perspective of Grace, that has “lawsuit” written all over it. 

Note: I have no idea how the Canadian justice system works. 

I traced my fingers across the scratches on my face. I was doing a bang-up job already.

Chapter 19 summary: A week passed following Daisy falling, and the start of her first day of school. Grace is weird about the incident, and randomly seems to blame her daughter for the accident. Like yes, Daisy probably should have stayed on the path, and paid more attention to what was (not) under her feet. But at the same time… She literally fell off a cliff, JFC. 

Anyway, it’s her first day of school, but also the first guests are coming to stay at the main house. Grace takes Daisy across to drop her off, but also to meet up with the guests. 

King agreed to take Daisy the rest of the way to school, and the first half of the trip was spent in stony silence. He finally asks her why she went into the house, and then is kind of angry and disappointed at her. Yet he continues to refuse to explain why she shouldn’t have done it. He eventually tells her that he only warns people once, and then it’s kind of on them if they do the stupid thing or not. Which… I get it. But he’s being such a sanctimonious shitweasle about the entire thing. Again, without giving any sort of reason for his behaviour. 

Inside the school, Daisy is surprised to find out that King is kind of popular. He calls her out on her questioning this, though. They both agree that they aren’t interested in the other romantically. He then drops her off at the front office and leaves. 

Chapter 20

“How are your teachers?”

 “Fine… Why?” 

“Just making sure. Not everyone who works with children should.”

I get that there are people who probably shouldn’t be working with children, or anywhere near a school, full-stop. (Not simply for paedophile reasons.) 

But this is simply such an odd thing to say. 

“How are your teachers? Are any of them PAEDOPHILES?!” 

I wondered now what sort of friend Katie Kuru had been to Mom. And how she knew to be afraid of the house.

Chapter 20 summary: We mercifully skip over to the last class of the day, which is biology. After class is over, Mrs. K asks that Daisy stay behind for a second while the other kids leave. Once they’re alone, Mrs. K asks if Daisy is Grace’s daughter, and goes on to explain that she used to hang out with her mom and dad back in the day. She gives Daisy her phone number and asks that she pass it on to Grace; that Grace should call her, and they can have dinner sometime. Mrs. K is also surprised to hear that they’re living at the mansion. 

Grace picks Daisy up from the dock, and asks how her day at school was. As mentioned, she asks in such a bizarre way. Then Grace gets upset when Daisy tells her about Mrs. K, whom Grace identifies as Katie. Grace is of the opinion that Katie is a “summer friend”, and that you’re supposed to lose touch with them after the summer is over. Which Daisy thinks is utter bullshit. But Daisy also thinks that the reason why Grace keeps these sort of people separated in her head is because she felt like she could confess her deepest sins to them, and then move on after the summer was over. 

[dom-i-nate]

Coming Clean | Nate and Danny

Who: Nate Mantle and Danny Andrews @domdannyandrews Where: Danny's suite When: Morning, 03.23 Notes: Nate admits to using and cheating. TW: addiction, drug mentions, mentions of physical abuse, cheating

The night before had been... something. He certainly hadn't expected to get a text like that from his brother of all people - and his heart nearly stopped when he realized Nate was involved. Both of his best guys in trouble with the cops? Luckily Danny had been able to get them both home, though he wished he had fought harder for Noah to stay. Nate wasn't really in any state to talk, and it was obvious something else had gone down considering he could smell the booze on his boyfriend. So after a sleepless night, Danny slipped out of bed, curling onto the couch in his living room with a hot coffee as he waited for Nate to wake up. He wasn't angry at his boyfriend for slipping up. If his dad was the reason, he understood. But something tickled low in his stomach, an inkling that there was more to the story. He heard shuffling earlier than he thought he would, and he looked up when Nate came into the room. "Hey. There's coffee, if you want," he said quietly, tilting his head towards the kitchen.

It took Nate a solid 5 minutes to realize where he was. The sharp pain in his head and stomach made worse by the blinding lights from the window. He smiled when he realized he was in Danny’s bed, which faded quickly when the memories of the night before flew into his mind. “Oh fuck,” he groaned running a hand down his face in frustration. He willed himself to get up, knowing he had to face the music. He walked into the main room wearing the clothes he wore the previous night. “Oh, no that’s alright. I should actually get going, honestly,” he said, his face still feeling heavy as the bruise on his eyes made itself more known, and his ribs still pulsing in dull pain.

Hurt flickered over his face. Now Nate didn't even want to talk to him? "I think first we should talk, yeah?" he suggested, setting his mug on the coffee table. The tone of his voice made it seem like less of a suggestion but not quite an order. "You wanna tell me what happened last night? It's not often I have to go into town and pick up my brother and my boyfriend from police custody," Danny said, aiming for a smile and failing considering how exhausted he was.

He closed his eyes softly with a deep breath. Yes, they needed to talk. But no, he didn’t want to and he was not well enough for this. “If I tell you, you’re going to want me to leave anyway,” he answered honestly. He walked closer to where Danny sat, but he didn’t sit himself. He sighed hotly, “I was on my way to a meeting when I ran into my father. And he started in on his shit - I was worthless and a disgrace and all that. And I had an attitude with him because he was wrong and he punched me a couple times,” he said pointing to his face. “And I should have just gone into the meeting. I know that, Danny, but I didn’t wanna go before cleaning up and the only thing open was the Wyrm. But on the way in, I ran into a Serpent who sold me some coke. And I…I’m sorry,” he said honestly, pain welling in his swollen eye. “But I’ve been fighting it for weeks. I could barely keep my head above water and I…I fucked up. So I took the hit and then decided to sit at the bar for a drink because I’d already fucked up.”

Danny fought to keep his face neutral. He knew Nate was beating himself up about relapsing, and he wasn't here to heap on the guilt. He couldn't keep himself from frowning when Nate mentioned how his dad hit him - wow he didn't think he could get that pissed that fast at someone - but he let out a breath to calm his temper. Nate was the priority here. Getting to his feet, he crossed to his boyfriend and took his hands in his own, squeezing his fingers lightly. "Am I thrilled you slipped up? No. Am I angry at you? Also no. Sobriety is fucking hard, babe, and you've been stressing about your dad visiting among other shit. There's other choices you could have made, sure, but you know you fucked up, and you'll learn from it, yeah?" He gently pushed some of Nate's hair from his eyes. "What happened after that? You and Noe were pretty beat up when I found you with the cops," he prompted, knowing there was more to the story.

When Danny got up to move closer, all Nate wanted was to crash into him, hold him, keep him close. Of course he was saying all the most wonderful things and each one hit Nate in the gut harder because he knew he didn’t deserve it. He kept a short distance away from Danny, knowing this part was hardest. “Before Noah got there, I ran into an old friend,” he said softly. “His names Mateo and he used to go to school here and we were best friends. We were…more than that,” he said. Nate made himself meet Danny’s eyes, “you are the love of my life, baby, I swear. But you’re not my first love,” he admitted softly. “And we got to talking and old feelings started swirling and before I could think straight - I was kissing him.” Admitting this was hard, he could feel a burn slide down his throat as he swallowed. “And then I stopped it, and he left and that’s when Noah came in.”

He didnt' push, though he ached to hold his man close, to prove this slip up wasn't going to drive him away. Danny knew what he was getting into once Nate told him about his addictions. And, everyone had a past, right? How could he be mad at Nate for having love for someone else before him? But then - His throat worked on a hard swallow, realization coming slowly after the initial reaction of feeling like he had been punched in the chest. He and Nate weren't monogamous, obviously, but they had an unspoken (mostly unspoken) agreement that other Dominants weren't part of that. And this wasn't Nate hooking up with Sam at a masquerade ball, where they were only two strangers. This was Nate, choosing to kiss someone else - someone he'd loved and lost. Danny pressed his lips together, his hands falling from where they had been holding Nate's. "You kissed him?" he asked faintly.

He breathed out slowly, trying to keep his emotions in check as much as he could as he watched the information process within him. “Yes,” he admitted his voice cracking but he tried to keep himself stoic. He didn’t want to lose it and make it seem like he wasn’t taking this seriously. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he said honestly, “I messed up, I know I did, and I’ll do whatever I have to. Anything to prove how much I love you and how sorry I am.” He cleared his throat quickly, “then Noah was trying to get me out of the bar, and these Ghoulie assholes came up on us and pushed Noah to the ground, so I hit him. And then the cops showed up, spewed some bullshit to Noah about how your dad wouldn’t be proud of him right now, and I got pissed at them and started yelling. But then they said to call you before anything got worse. And that’s everything.”(edited)

The whole thing about Noah barely registered if he was being honest. Sure some low level rage bubbled in his stomach, but most of his body felt cold with shock. Danny didn’t know how to process the fact that Nate did what he did, knowingly. No one had ever cheated on him before. “I see. I should - I guess I should talk to Noah then,” he muttered, running a hand over his hair.

The fact Danny wasn’t saying anything hurt more than anything he could have thrown at Nate. “Baby please,” he said, his voice bordering on cracking if he wasn’t careful. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please…please just talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say, Nate,” he admitted in a shaky voice. Grief, rage, anger, sadness, jealousy - all those things he could handle. But the cold lance of hurt deep in his stomach was unfamiliar, and he didn’t understand how to process it. “You… you kissed someone else. Someone you love. It’s - is he still in town?”

That was fair, he couldn’t fault the man for being without words at the moment. “Loved,” he corrected, “past tense.” He ran his hand down his face, wincing when he’d forgot about the bruising. “I don’t know. Maybe? I would guess. His claim is Madeline’s brother so I know they’re all visiting.”

He inhaled sharply, letting it out on a slow, unsteady exhale. “Loved.” Danny struggled not to let his thoughts spiral, like they had with Daisy, wondering if he would turn out to be someone Nate talked about in past tense as well. “Are you - do you want to see him again? While he’s here?”

Nate shook his head, “no. Not like that anyway. I mean, if I hadn’t have fucked up I would have liked to catch up with him and introduce you to him and all that. But, no. You’re the only relationship I’m concerned about right now.”

Another hard swallow made his throat bob visibly, still struggling to process what was happening. What had happened. “Did -“ Danny paused, wiping sweaty palms against his pajama pants. “Did I do anything to…” he tried to ask, wondering if he’d done anything to make Nate feel like he needed to seek intimacy elsewhere.

Nate immediately started shaking his head and taking a step towards Danny. “No, no baby you didn’t do anything. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known. You’ve been nothing but supportive and you’ve been putting up with all my shit. This is all me. I fucked up, you didn’t do anything at all,” he promised. He wanted to hold him, wrap his arms around Danny and never let go. But, he needed to let Danny drive this, determine when he was okay with it, if he ever would be again. “This is not an excuse,” he began, “but I was not in my right mind, Eros. I swear, I’d never do something like that if I was. But that doesn’t excuse it, because I still did it and I’m so, so sorry.”

He let out a short breath, running a hand over his hair, shifting back as Nate stepped forward. If there was anything in this world he knew with certainty, he knew he loved Nate, and Daisy. He'd heard that to love someone was to allow them the ability to hurt you, but he didn't think it would ever feel like this. "I love you, Nate," he said slowly, willing his voice not to shake. "That... that won't change. But I need a - I need to process this."

Nate allowed Danny to create distance between them, though it broke his heart to watch him back away like that. Like Nate had just completely destroyed him. His damaged heart fluttered at the words, but dropped a bit at Danny's next words. "Yeah...that's fair," he agreed. He turned towards the door a few steps before half turning back towards the other, "I love you, Danny," he said simply and truthfully, "I swear it." With a soft breath he turned back towards the door and made his way towards it.

Danny bit the inside of his lip, looking up to the gorgeous man he knew he couldn't be without. "I know," he said quietly, looking away before he could watch Nate walk out the door. He sank down to the couch, burying his face in his hands, trying to ignore the burning behind his eyes.

[mistyscenter]

Tags by @goldengroovy

That's actually it, this is literally why people keep misgendering Qiu and ignore Tamarack as a love interest.

I remember when I first entered the fandom (for reference the wedding dlc was just about to drop when I joined, and for the olnf fans is around when the first demo came out which only included meeting tamarack and qiu and going home) that it really felt very queer friendly with a lot of mcs not only female ones but males and non binary ones, heck my first mcs were always trans women, then a shift happened: the game got popular among, what I can assume to be cishet women and from there a fandom that used to be queer friendly felt very cis (and white but I can't speak on that)

I think Noah making this post shows that this fandom isn't a save space for trans people, I've seen people misgendering and deadnaming renee and terry, two very important trans characters in the main cast of both games, I've seen someone making a mc who's a trans woman and shitting on Renee for?? Not coming out and having difficult feelings around being trans??? Generally because renee is misogynistic in step 1 but like....that's a huge part of her character?? Which to me is a huge indicator that the person wasn't trans because, I may not be transfem myself but like....yeah I can understand why Renee feels that way about girls in step 1.

Anyways what I'm trying to get here is that the Our Life franchise as a whole is different from other otome games because your character gender identity can be such a huge thing and because now and forever will explore it with Qiu, this is something that is extremely rare in those spaces because they're mostly for cishet women and not for queer people Our Life advertise itself as a Queer game because it is. It really sucks how OL2 is the best game for trans people but has so many fans who seem to be cisgender, maybe they're not and I'm generalizing but it doesn't change the fact that the reason why this shit keeps happening is because of the fact that this game got popular in spaces that are mostly dominated by cishet women.

i’ve been wanting to make this post for a while now but i decided not to because i felt like the our life community didn’t need it

but sadly i’ve been seeing it so much recently and so i’m just gonna post it

We need to talk about Qiu’s pronouns and gender identity and how to use it correctly!!!

So as we all know, in step 3 Qiu is genderfluid which means that sometimes they use they/them and other times they use he/him and that is expressed through their nail polish. They do not use both they/them and he/him at the same time. As they also said, if you don’t know what pronouns they use, you should use they/them.

So when you are making those headcanon posts referring to step 3 qiu please only use they/them if you are writing a short story or a full fanfic and you mention that at the time of the story that they prefer he/him that is completely okay!

now let’s talk about step 2…

for step 2, qiu does not know what they identify as they are not non-binary

they do use and only use they/them do not refer to step 2 qiu using he/him

conclusion:

the only time you use he/him pronouns on qiu is if you’re referring to step 1 and if you mention that at the time they refer he/him in step 3

use they/them in step 2, if they prefer it in step 3, and if you don’t know what pronouns they prefer in step 3

thank you for coming to my ted talk :)

[halforcdad]

Totally agree with you about Lucy! Tbh it’s been here since s1 but this fandom (especially on Twitter) have a Kate bias and treat Lucy awfully when they get the chance. And they were simply waiting for the shoe to drop so they could finally say oh she’s SO wrong for this since none of them seem to treat her like her own person with her own feelings. ESP with that scene from s1 that you said they’re comparing this too. So many people hated her for that and thought kacy was dead in a ditch afterward. I really don’t get it. But it’s also obvious with the way they advocate for more things about Kate (like back story, relationship/scenes with Jane, etc) but hardly ever say oh I wanna know about Lucy (when arguably lucy is more of a main since she’s the one on NCIS) . We all know why this is too even if people don’t wanna say it. Kate is the white one and Lucy is brown they will always villainize her actions first even when Kate was the one in the wrong (in s1). Anyways this ep is definitely ending with better communication for them so I am not sweating it. Twitter overanalyzes in the worst way like they always do

I do get the sense that some people were waiting with bated breath for the chance to point at Lucy and call her a hypocrite like some sort of gotcha! moment the minute she slipped up and didn't tell Kate something. Which is weird because you're a fan of this ship shouldn't you be rooting for both of the characters? 💀

The Kate bias is a very real thing. I feel like when 1x11 happened I mostly saw people blaming bad writing and giving Kate a pass for being a dumbass and saying it was out of character for her (when we'd only seen her...briefly for 7 ep at most so what's ooc and what's not at that point). But when Lucy isn't perfect, she doesn't get the same excuses or defense, the mistakes are all on Lucy and not on 'bad writing'. There doesn't seem to be a lot of 'putting yourself in her shoes' type sympathy for a lot of what Lucy was dealing with in S1 (like if I had to see my ex who hurt me badly everyday at work I would be in a state lol).

And God I felt like I was in the trenches after 1x20, both on twitter and on here because the reactions were wild Gonna try to be brief because I feel like I've spent a lifetime talking about it (because it's the best episode of s1 lolol), but that entire episode was about Lucy and her trying to move on, but being unable to because Kate still had such a huge effect on her (bc she loved her!) and still all the fandom focus was on Kate and how sympathetic she was! I think even if Kate showed up with a clean bill of health, she still would've been babied immensely because Lucy made her cry (even though they were both crying). The treatment Lucy got after that was truly disheartening. Like there was no room for nuance. As a poc, seeing everyone baby the white woman (and getting to ready to fight for her because she cried) even though she's the one who fucked up is very, hm, realistic lol. Lucy deserves way better.

You bring up a good point. The fandom goes crazy over Kate and Noah, but Lucy's family doesn't get the same level of speculation and fanfare. And we only got like 2 mentions of Noah in S1 vs. all the tidbits Lucy's dropped about her family. And of course I want to see Kate interact more with Pearl Team and develop friendships, but like we don't even know anything substantial about Lucy and Jesse's relationship or with her and Tennant for that matter. Those should probably take priority. The shows called NCIS: Hawai`i not FBI: Hawai`i lol.

If there really was a season to sweat over Kacy's relationship, it wouldn't be the season where they've been actively showing them working on themselves and being better with each other. It's like we didn't get an entire Whistler/Kacy love fest episode in 2x03 or something. Some people are quick to think the worst and go, 'ugh miscommunication is such a kacy thing'. We probably haven't been watching the same show this season then because they're clearly taking steps to fix that in just the first 5 episodes.

[the-archxr]

So, now that I'm freshly widowed (Eddie dearest 😭), what did you think of season 4?? 💕

Well first, my condolences. I haven’t cried that hard at a death in a long time, so I get it 😂

But secondly, I have a lot of thoughts about it, so to sum it up in general (so that way this post isn’t miles long), I feel so-so about it??

I liked it very much (vol 1 more than vol 2) but there were some aspects that I strongly disliked to the point where they were kinda hard to ignore.

Here are just a few I didn’t like (with extra details cause I’m bored and need to rant):

Mike Wheeler (no I will not elaborate. Other than the fact that Mike from season 3 on is not the fucking heart of the group.)

other than Noah Schnapp’s amazing fucking acting, especially in THOSE two scenes, I didn’t like that Will was pretty much sidelined again. Like considering he’s technically supposed to be the main character (the one the entire show started with and is essentially about), ever since season 3 he’s not really involved at all. Although it seems that with the ending of season 4, he’ll (hopefully) be in season 5 a lot more, so we’ll see how that pans out.

now my least favourite thing that happened this season was the weird Nancy/Steve romance rekindling. Especially since they didn’t really take it anywhere at the ending (not that it would’ve mattered, I still wouldn’t have liked it). The entire thing seemed pointless and completely contradictory to their character development(s) in prior seasons, ESPECIALLY Steve’s. Steve’s whole character arc after him and Nancy’s breakup (and mainly in season 3), was that he moved on from her. Nancy and Steve are great characters, but to each other romantically, they represent the stereotype/the expected partner. Nancy’s whole thing was that she didn’t want to be with Steve because she didn’t want to end up like her parents. Which stems from Steve originally wanting to be with her, making plans at 18 to marry her and have children because that’s what’s expected from his parents. These are things they moved on from up until the Duffers decided to fuck that up, so by bringing it back it just felt empty; like Nancy was just lonely and had nothing better to do, and that Steve can’t possibly be with anyone else who compliments his personality.

and speaking of Steve (even though it isn’t limited to him)… I was really hoping to get some more insight into the lives of others? more character development, or explanations of other underdeveloped characters?? We got a lot with Max (and her story arc was great, don’t get me wrong), but I feel like there’s so much stuff we still don’t know/haven’t seen from others?? For example, since season two, I’ve been dying to see the Harringtons. I get the whole point is they’re never around and they’re shitty people, but I want to see interactions between them and Steve. I want to see Dustin talk about his dad (is he dead, are his parents divorced??), and I want them to address Hoppers ptsd from being in a Russian prison, instead of making jokes about him loosing weight.

Like I said, I really did like this season. But similar to Multiverse of Madness, a lot of it felt like ramped up action sequences without any “meat” behind it.

Then again, this season was to primarily set-up the next one. And with season 5 being the final one, hopefully, they tie up some of these looser ends??

But anyways how did y’all like it??

✨the-archxr thoughts✨

[therandomfish]

Metal Lords: How to melt faces and make friends

Hi everyone, my name is Nick Braunton and I am a Randomfish. I am also a very huge fan of Heavy Metal, the genre not the film made in 1981. On Netflix they just released the film called Metal Lords. Holy crap that movie! I’ve now watched it multiple times and wow is it awesome. Starring Adrian Greensmith, Noah Urrea and Isis Hainsworth this movie centres around 2 dudes called Hunter and Kevin who are in a band called Skullfucker and they’re looking for a bassist for battle of the bands. How best to describe this movie? I would say it was School of Rock esque but that’s not even it. There isn’t a Jack Black character in this. It’s about a couple of guys and eventually the girl that joins them becoming a band and learning about the strength and the beauty of heavy metal. It’s the type of film that you wouldn’t of seen being made during the era where every religious leader, every overprotective parent and every head of school saw heavy metal as a genre something to be stamped out because it meant losing your children to a world of orgies and drugs and they were the ruling social class and therefore anything that threatened them or seemed to would be destroyed. This movie talks about the good things from the music genre, the idea of taking control, of living life your way despite what everyone else says and it’s about a love for the music, which was kind of what the metalheads where about anyway, the drugs and orgies were just a wonderful by product.

The acting in this is brilliant where we have Adrian Greensmith as Hunter the unapologetic yet well meaning metal head, Noah Urrea as Kevin, the nerdy best friend who becomes as metal as Hunter and Isis Hainsworth as Emily, the cellist who joins the band and ends up hooking up with Kevin. Each one of theses characters does have a cool arc they go on in this movie; Hunter learns to let go of wanting to push everyone away so no one will hurt him including his friends and family along with being a better friend to both Kevin and Emily. Kevin becomes more confident in himself and even has a moment where he’s playing drums for another band after he and Hunter fall out where he ends up in a hot tub with a hot girl and she’s kissing his neck and he’s getting advice from various metal legends Tom Morello, Kirk Hammett, Rob Halford, and Scott Ian about being with a girl he actually likes or some random hot girl who may never speak to him again afterwards. Though I have to say I love Emily’s arc. She, much like the boys isn’t well favoured in the school social hierarchy and has to take meds in order to keep her anger under control and when she doesn’t she has outbursts which honestly I can totally relate to as I had moments of unbridled anger back when I was a teen too. She is shown to have a crush on Kevin pretty early on from when they first start speaking and is also the one to suggest that they start dating and everything else though she is very aware and doesn’t take things too fast for either of them. She and Hunter having a fight becomes the catalyst of Kev and Hunter’s fight in the film but we do see how Hunter can learn to compromise and be a good friend as opposed to being a complete dick all the time and he apologises for upsetting her and to Kevin too. But like I said all the actors are amazing, I highlighted the 3 main leads only but the whole cast does pretty brilliantly well.

If you’re not a metal fan because you genuinely can’t stand the genre then by all means never watch this movie because it is everywhere but if you’ve never really listened to metal before and might be even the least bit curious then I heartly recommend this film to help you get into this mighty genre of music. And if you are a fan then what the hell are you doing if you haven’t seen this yet? Go…. Watch it already!

Randomfish out

[neopronounsmybelovaed]

So, a while back there was a decent bit of discussion about books with neopronoun characters- I just got a copy of Meet Cute Diary and read it within two days. So. I figured we could have a chat about the use of neopronouns in the book!

First of all, summary. The main character, Noah, runs a tumblr blog called the "meet cute diary" about trans people finding happy relationships. All the stories are made up, but it does help people. And then someone writes a callout post to expose the stories as fake, so he enters a fake dating AU to earn back his reputation. This will go great. (This does not go great.)

The author- Emery Lee- uses e/em pronouns! I'm an author who uses neopronouns working on a book with a character who uses neopronouns, so it's really awesome to see em and eir book- it gives me a lot of hope for my future, honestly.

Plus, e's a talented author. I think e also has a book coming in 2022, that I am definitely going to keep an eye out for.

This isn't really related to neopronouns, but the protagonist of the book ran a tumblr blog trying to bring hope and positivity to trans people. And then encountered a lot of stress and harassment. Which was interesting to see written out, to say the least.

The character who uses neopronouns is named Devin, and e uses e/em. There's a part of the book where e briefly uses xe/xem, briefly uses they/them, and e uses he/him on the beginning, but at the end it seems like e/em is what works for em.

So, Devin. E is smashing those nonbinary stereotypes. First of all, e is absolutely not written as "woman lite" or whatever. E's AMAB, which- in a culture that sees most nonbinary people as like, a woman with short hair and jeans- is definitely something that deserves some representation.

Another big stereotype we're all familiar with for neopronoun users is that we're all young. Devin is still young, because the story centers around teenagers- but e's a year older than the main character and presented as pretty mature.

The book also dispells the notion that nonbinary people HAVE to use they/them. E uses they/them for 22 pages of a 391 page book (and a lot of those pages don't even include em.) Eir pronouns at the beginning are he/him, even if e identifies as nonbinary from the beginning. Which, nice. Binary-using nonbinary people are valid as hell. And the use of neopronouns is also very very cool!

We loving holding a middle finger up to stereotypes.

Introducing kids to pronouns from a young age is done in the book and explained why that's important.

Page 170

"Why'd you start by introducing your pronouns? Kids don't even know what that means."

"Maybe not, but they're going to hear about that stuff somewhere, so why not start now? I can open them up to it here, or I can wait for someone else to teach them wrong."

Hell yeah! And the kids don't totally get it (One girl says "I'm Bailey. I pronounce she.") but they've got the spirit and it's being normalized from a young age!

Another good message about pronouns- that I really need to internalize, don't I?- is that they're your pronouns, bitch, you don't need them to make anyone else happy.

Page 190

"I don't want to make things too complicated, though. I just- I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with he/him anymore."

"Devin, they're your pronouns, You don't have to consider anyone else before you pick them."

Also! Noah shows us the 100% CORRECT reaction to an unfamiliar set of pronouns: "I've never heard those sounds before in my life, but I nod anyway. It's not my job to tell Devin what pronouns xe can or can't use." (213)

And then he uses those pronouns for em until e tells him not to. No "your pronouns are made up." No "you make our community look bad." No "whatever other transmedicalist exclusionist bullshit rhetoric exists somewhere." Just acceptance.

The book also uses xenogenders. Not explicitly- like, e doesn't say "I'm xenogender"- but the concept is there.

Page 223

"The truth is, if I had to describe it, I'd say I'm like two percent milk."

I turn to em, eyebrows scrunched. "You're like what?"

"You know, two percent milk? Like I'm two percent boy, but no one knows what the hell the other ninety-eight percent is."

Which, that's pretty similar to a xenogender. Even if e doesn't start identifying as two-percent-milk-gender, the concept is there. It's a metaphor because common terms like masc, femme, neutral, don't work to describe a gender. So e uses an object that describes eir gender- milk. Two percent milk.

And though Noah does correct em on how two percent milk actually works (it's not 2% milk, 98% something else. 2% is a fat measurement), he doesn't ridicule the metaphor. Good job dude.

Devin also, obviously, cycles through some different genders and pronouns before settling on 2% boy and e/em. Before the book, e identified as a trans girl, before realizing that wasn't right either. Some people off-screen were assholes about that, but Noah looks at that reaction and goes "that's bullshit!" And he is absolutely right.

Characters are also corrected when they mess up on eir pronouns.

Page 248

"Well, you still talk about him like you think he's pretty cool."

"Devin uses e/em pronouns," I say.

All in all, excellemt use of neopronouns in this book. A lot of other fun stuff too. Would recommend.

[mikewheeler]

Vent o’clock: People need to understand that shipping will and mike is fine, but it’s truly (and I’m sorry to say this to Mike and will fans) not gonna happen. Not only is it too late to develop a relationship like this in the last season of a show. But also, There has been no indication AT ALL of mike returning wills feeling and a script that however way you interpret it isn’t proof because the millions of people who need to know these indications aren’t gonna read the script, if they were to want to drop hints at this “developing relationship” they need to make it clear for everyone not 1% of the audience who read the scripts. Moreover, people seem to interpret mikes insufferable (I don’t personally find him insufferable but I can see how other maybe do) character traits on him being secretly closeted which I know for a fact is not the case and NOT because I think it’s impossible for mike to be gay and there can only be one gay character in the whole show but because and talking from a writing stand point it would be too late in the show to establish it (look at how much it took them to establish will). What’s so annoying to me and what I see people putting as *proof* is whenever anyone talks about wills sexuality they always take it as confirmation to mike and wills relationship and it’s what started the *queer baiting* nonsense. Like wills SEXUALITY is established not mike and wills relationship, I swear I’ve seen people use Noahs interview from when he confirmed his sexuality and being in love with mike as proof for byler and it’s like ??? This is actually disrespectful to will, that his own sexuality and him coming to terms with it is always lumped with a non existent relationship (smh) And the main reason why they won’t happen is because they’ve always and I mean always said that Mike and eleven is their main couple they want them to be Superman and lois lane or iron man and pepper potts, leia and Han it is very clear that they want them to be like that iconic sci-fi couple that can be remembered till the show ends and years to come (whether they successfully make an iconic relationship it’s not the point but I’m talking about their intention). Anyways that’s my rant, I’m just so annoyed that people think that people who want eleven and mike to stay together are just “Milevens” like I’m not a shipper and I don’t care I’m just a fan of the show but my social media has been full of byler content and I’m just confused like there’s a difference between interpretation and just blatant delusion. Byeeee thanks for listening xoxo

Yeah I mean all of this discourse very much exists only inside the fandom bubble, I think that’s the most important thing to remember. No matter what our opinions are, we’re all weirdos that spend a lot more time than the average Joe talking about stranger things. That’s the first thing to remember lol.

Genuinely I do not think anyone outside the fandom really saw what went down in season 4 and thought mike has feelings for will. The “mike fighting homosexuality” theory very much exists only in the fandom space… nobody outside of tumblr/tik tok saw will crying in 4x08 and mike not even noticing and thought “damn mike is in love with will but just can’t acknowledge it.” I think a good portion of the GA was annoyed with mike bc they’re protective of will and thought he was a bad friend (and imo they’re wrong lmao but that’s a diff issue) but to the millions of ppl watching this show, the issue of “will mike and will get together?” is nonexistent.

Truly everyone is entitled to their opinion, I think that needs to be reiterated. There’s nothing weird or wrong about shipping Mike and Will. But I do get that it has gotten a little out of hand, post vol 2 especially, so I get the need to vent. Like some people have been disrespectful and frankly a little wackadoodle in the way they’re treating others. So long as everyone stays in their lane and nobody annoys me with their opinions (e.g. reblogging my gifsets with ur paragraphs long b*ler analysis in the tags), I’m cool.

[beepboop358]

Victor Creel Theories

(also includes ST movie DNA series: Star Wars)

Victor Creel is described as "a disturbed and intimidating man who is imprisoned in a psychiatric hospital for a gruesome murder in the 1950s." We know he will be institutionalized at Penthurst mental hospital, where Peter Ballard works, based on leaked on set pics.

There a few possibilities regarding his character:

He could be a former test subject with some kind of powers and a connection to the upside down (which would also follow the even/odd season pattern of a main character being directly involved with the upside down creatures) I think it's highly likely that Victor Creel will be involved with the mystery/danger in Hawkins in some way, and have a connection to the upside down. He could also be disturbed on top of this, and he could be involved in Eleven's storyline this season.

That he is not a test subject and is ONLY mentally disturbed.

He may be related to one of the already established characters. Most likely Joyce, and maybe Terry but it's a stretch.

Before I go any further into that last possibility, I just want to preface that this idea of an "evil father/grandfather with powers" could be a purposeful Star Wars parallel. The Duffer brothers have already paralleled and used Star Wars references a few times in the show:

In Star Wars, Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father, and Palpatine is Rey's grandfather (aka the literal worst guy in the universe). A common theme in ST is abusive/bad fathers - that post here. Interesting...

Palpatine is also Anakin Skywalker's father, so Luke and Leia are both the grandkids of Palpatine as well as Rey is, but it's unclear if they are just force midichlorian related or actually dna related as well but I won't get into that here!

Luke and Rey are both force sensitive (have powers), so are Darth Vader and Palpatine; their descendants (kid/grandkid) have powers, and so do they (father/grandfather) The descendants use their powers for good, while the ancestors use their power for evil. Who has powers in ST? Eleven and Will - and they both already have this idea of abusive/bad/evil fathers: Will has an abusive father Lonnie, and Eleven has an abusive father figure Dr. Brenner "Papa".

So... Victor Creel being the evil/bad grandfather to either Eleven or Will and the evil/bad father to Joyce or Terry, would make a FULL Star Wars parallel to people who are morally good and have powers (Will and El - Luke and Rey), discovering they are the descendant of an evil male figure who also has powers (Victor Creel - Darth Vader and Palpatine)

If Victor Creel turns out to be the father of anyone in the show my bets are it's either Joyce Byers or maybeee Terry Ives.

If he was a test subject, its likely he went "crazy" with some of his powers and the government couldn't cover it up so they declare him mentally insane to get him committed, and he probably goes insane being locked away as well. Personally, I think he may be 001 or an early test subject, when they were still working out the kinks of the program, and I think he does have a big connection to the upside down.

The Duffer Brother's on s4: "In Hawkins a new horror is beginning to surface, something long buried, something that connects everything"....

Now let's get into the possibilities for Creel's storyline/who he could be related to (split into 3 parts).

Part 1: Creel could be Joyce's father

Based on Victor Creel's description as "disturbed" and that he is "in a psychiatric hospital", it could connect him to Joyce's bloodline.

There are several comments in the show hinting to this idea of mental instability in Joyce's family:

s1 ep.5: When Lonnie comes to visit in s1 after Will goes missing, Joyce says to Lonnie "No, don't look at me like that, like how everyone is looking at me, like I'm out of my damn mind" He responds saying "I think you need to consider the possibility that this is all in your head. Remember your Aunt Darlene?" Joyce quickly replies, "No, this is not that."

That conversation, although quick, is very telling. Lonnie is implying that Joyce had an aunt who was mentally unstable - and Joyce clearly knows about her aunt being unstable because she responds to his comment by saying what's she's experiencing is not that (the mental instability of her aunt)

s2 ep.2: Joyce says to Bob, "this is not a normal family", when he suggest moving out of Hawkins.

I used to think Joyce was always was referring to the whole 'my son got stuck in an alternate dimension with supernatural monsters and is now traumatized, and we were sworn to secrecy by the government' thing but maybe she is also referring to her biological family.

s1 ep.2: When they are searching for Will, one of the other police officers, says "Joyce is one step from the edge" and the other officer responds "She has been several steps for quite a while now".

If Joyce is related to Victor Creel biologically, and he did also happen to be a test subject, has powers, or has some other relation to the upside down, this could possibly have contributed to whatever kind of abilities Will has, because he would be a descendant of Creel. But Joyce does not seem to have any powers and neither does Jonathan. If they were related to Creel, it's odd that they both didn't get powers, but Will did. I've always thought Will was born with his powers, like El.

We know almost nothing about Joyce's past, it's never discussed in the slightest in the show, which I feel like is purposeful. We don't know Joyce's maiden name; she doesn't change it back after she and Lonnie divorce. Maybe the Duffers are saving Joyce's backstory for s4 (and possibly s5), like I think they are doing with Will and El's connection. Will, El, Hopper, and Joyce were pictured in a series of 4 tweets posted by the stranger writers, hinting to the main 4 storylines for season 4. My analyzation of this tweet here.

I think it's possible that Joyce's storyline this season could also have to do with her past- not just her searching for Hopper- but also more personal information about her. Perhaps we will see flashbacks of younger Joyce and maybe learn about her biological relatives.

Noah also said this would be the darkest season for Will, so this idea of being the grandkid of someone evil or disturbed could fit into that.

Part 2: Creel could be Terry's father/Eleven's grandfather

The only other person I could see potentially having a biological; relation to Victor Creel could be Terry Ives and Eleven, (because it would complete the Star Wars parallel mentioned earlier) but it's a stretch for several reasons, the main one being that Terry and Becky's father Bill Ives, died in a car crash (year unknown).

So for Victor Creel to be Terry's father that either has to be:

Her adoptive father OR

Her mother cheated and led Mr. Ives to believe Terry was his kid but her father is really Victor Creel, and Becky is actually Bill Ives son (which would explain why Becky has no powers)

Right of the bat it's interesting Terry's father's name is Bill. Bill is a nickname for William (Will Byers full name is William), and Billy's a nickname also for William... Hmmm....

Immediately after El is born, Terry is adamant that Brenner stole her child to use as a weapon to fight the commies BECAUSE SHE HAD SPECIAL ABILITIES - and she's completely right about everything. How does Terry know El had powers immediately after she was born? Because she knows she has developed some kind of special abilities from the experiments as well. When El goes to visit her mother in s2, THE LIGHTS FLICKER, just like they do when the upside down is near, but it's not Eleven controlling it. Her Aunt Becky says it's just the wiring, and Eleven responds: "IT'S MAMA. She wants to talk." And then we see Terry's NOSE BLEED, just like El's does when she uses her powers.

Quick side note about El's biological father is Andrew Rich: (It's revealed in the canon novel Suspicious Minds that Andrew Rich is El's father) He was a college student who got expelled from school due to protesting the Nixon address, making him eligible to be drafted in the Vietnam war, and he died in battle. Terry was involved in the Project MKUltra experiments at Hawkins National Laboratory in College, under the direction of Dr. Martin Brenner, but didn't know she was pregnant at the time. Andrew never even knew Terry was pregnant, meaning she was extremely early on in her pregancy at the time he was sent away, not even Terry was aware yet. It's also stated in this book that BRENNER HAD A HAND IN GETTING ANDREW EXPELLED SO HE COULD SEND ANDREW AWAY. The novel states that Brenner has Andrew drafted because he wants to SCARE Terry, to show her how much power he has over her life. There's definitely some history between Terry and Brenner that we don't know about yet.

If Victor Creel is in fact Joyce's father it's interesting that the powers seem to have skipped a generation with Joyce, and also one kid with the Byers, but if Victor Creel is Terry's father, no generations were skipped in passing down powers. ANYWAYS, this is all just theories and speculation since we have no actual concrete reasons to believe he will be related to Joyce or Terry.

Part 3: The possibility that Creel could be involved in Eleven's storyline this season does not rely on them being biologically related.

**One of the filming locations for this season is the Claremont House, which is RUMORED to be Creel's house and also "Vecna's lair" the new monster for s4 (unconfirmed) This is the house the Hawkins group goes into in the ST4 sneak peek, where they see the grandfather clock striking midnight. If that's true, there's a connection between Creel and the upside down and having powers, which could connect Creel to Eleven. The Duffers: "In Hawkins a new horror is beginning to surface, something long buried, something that connects everything". This thing "that connects everything", could be Creel's storyline (his possible connection to the lab/upside down/person in the show), because Creel's storyline also spans all the way back to the 1950's and before that, so there's our "long buried" part most likely.

Robert Englund recently revealed in *an interview* that his character Victor Creel gouges his eyes out, making him unable to see. Englund also mentions what it's like working with Millie Bobby Brown and talks about the first time her met her, he doesn't mention any other cast members in detail like he does Millie.

He's clearly working closely with Millie's character Eleven.

But why? I think Creel could be involved with Eleven getting her powers back, and her reliving her past. Once the government baddies realize El has no powers, they're gonna want them back. If Creel was in fact a test subject, maybe there is some kind of connection between them, Such as Eleven revisiting what happened to her in her past and how that could relate to her getting her powers back.

Another thought I had was that perhaps the gruesome murder he committed is somehow related to something that ends up impacting in Eleven's life.

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Whatever Victor Creel's storyline is, it will be an important one, and it will carry somewhat into s5, since he will be a returning character. He is not signed as a series regular, but as a recurring character, which means we don't really know to what capacity he will be in s5. It could be flashbacks mostly, or he could have just as big or small of a role.

Source: indie wire

That detail about eyes being gouged out reminds me of fear street 1666 when the townsmen who was sacrificed to the devil becomes possessed and gouges the kids eyes out. Leigh Janick, director of fear street, is married to Ross Duffer. They both direct and make horror/sci-fi themed series about kids in a small town set in the 80's, who fight supernatural evil with a heavy undertone of queer themes, that are even filmed in a lot of the same locations (the mall, the town streets, etc.) I'm not saying it's the same thing, it definitely won't be. But there's so many similarities between ST and Fear Street, I thought I would mention this as another.

[fitzskmmons]

huge shout out to @futureoutoffocus on here and future_out_of_focus on Ao3!

Green Eyed Monster 3.1k words

EJ wasn’t sure why he had a pit in his stomach or why his first thought was to call Gina over to him for no reason. He was standing by his locker after the final bell rang waiting for Ashlyn and Gina as normal, when he looked over and saw the new kid – Kyle or Ryan or whatever; EJ didn’t care enough to learn it – attempting to flirt with Gina. At least that’s what it looked like. He could tell Gina was unimpressed by him, but that didn’t seem to stop the kid from talking to her. It also didn’t stop EJ from feeling that heavy pit in his stomach. Gina caught EJ’s gaze and did a subtle eyeroll.

EJ took out his phone and shot her a quick text. Luckily she realized she was getting an out and told what's his face that her mom was calling her. She said a quick goodbye and speed walked over to EJ. She grabbed his hand and tried to suppress her laughter. They made their way to an empty hallway before falling into the wall, giggling.

“So when’s the date?” EJ asked her with a grin on his face.

“You know I don’t think you can go out with someone whose name you don’t even know.” Gina shrugged her shoulders and leaned into EJ.

“I’m pretty sure it’s something douchey like Kyler or Max with 2 X’s.” This made them both laugh again as they went to find Ashlyn after making sure the coast was clear.

-

“So anything interesting happened while you were waiting for me? I may or may not have seen Gina getting kinda aggressively flirted with by Noah.” Ashlyn waggled her eyebrows at the now blushing girl.

“Oh! So that’s his name, less douchey than I thought. But Ash is right, it was a little aggressive,” EJ said, looking at Gina through the rearview mirror.

“I don’t think he realized that I didn’t enjoy being talked at. I think I said 10 words in the 5 minutes we talked. 5 of them were ‘oh my mom's calling bye’ and then I basically ran to EJ. So hopefully he gets the hint.” Gina caught EJ’s gaze for the second time today and gave him a grateful smile.

“Well, in that case I think a lemonade from Dutch Bros is needed after you went through today. Plus I’ve been craving it for weeks!” Ashlyn exclaimed and the other two agreed.

That wasn’t the only time EJ felt that way. In fact, it seemed to happen more frequently after that incident.

-

The next few times EJ realized the pit he felt was jealousy. At first he tried to deny it, claiming he was just feeling protective over his best friend. Especially when Gina was helping with the choreo for Beauty and the Beast.

They had been in the auditorium for close to three hours now, going over lines, Kourtney doing some more costume adjustments, and of course learning the choreography for the numbers. Gina was over in the far corner teaching some of the ensemble some basic waltz steps while EJ was sitting across on the other side of the stage watching her grace combined with their clunky movements. Every so often Gina would look over at EJ and give him either a small smile and wave or an eye roll and frown depending on whether the boys were listening to her or not.

Around 6pm, Miss Jenn announced that Big Red was on his way with pizza and that they would definitely be gone by 8 at the latest. EJ knew the last one was a lie, they never got out before 9.

There was a chorus of ‘Pizza!’ when Big Red and Ashlyn walked in 20 minutes later. Ashlyn must have asked Gina for help because the next thing EJ knew Gina and one of the main background dancers, Jordan, got up and headed out to Big Red’s car.

“Ash!” EJ yelled over at his cousin once Gina was outside.

“What? I’m right here.” Ashlyn rolled her eyes at him.

“So Jordan, huh? What’s his deal?” he asked.

Ashlyn could feel her smile growing as she looked at EJ. He was not as skilled at hiding his emotions as other people.

“You know I'm not too sure, but he must be nice enough if he offered to help,” she said with a knowing smile and a shoulder shrug. “Come on, help me pass out plates.”

Once everyone had their pizza and drinks it was time to find places to eat. Gina naturally made her way over to EJ but this time with Jordan in tow. Ashlyn and Big Red weren’t too far behind. They were all laughing about something when they got to the hallway outside the auditorium. EJ could feel that pit coming back.

“Hey! EJ, right? Jordan,” the boy said, extending his hand. EJ shook his hand, making sure not to squeeze too hard. “Nice to formally meet you after all these weeks.”

“I know, it’s been a little hectic! But I do have to say you have the best teacher.” EJ shot Gina a smile which she returned as her blush crept up.

“She really is! I didn’t know there were so many names for all the moves!” Jordan laughed as they took a seat on the floor. EJ couldn’t help but like the guy.

“Oh stop it! Or keep going, whatever you want.” Gina was laughing along while trying not to meet anyone's eyes.

They talked amongst themselves and ate their pizza until Jordan brought up how cute of a couple EJ and Gina are. This caused them both to blush and look at the ground.

Ashlyn was the first to speak up since the other two were too preoccupied trying to get their faces less red. “Oh, they aren’t a couple, even though we all know it’s gonna happen,” she said, giving them both a ‘you know I’m right’ look.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it awkward! I was actually gonna suggest a double date, but now I see that might be a future thing.” Jordan looked a little bit confused, which was to be expected.

“You remember Samantha, right? The cheer captain?” Gina asked EJ as he tried to remember.

“She’s got dark hair and she’s probably my height?” Ashlyn tried to get him to remember. EJ’s eyes lit up and they knew he remembered.

“She was the one who broke her ankle off the pyramid?” He cringed at the memory.

“Yes! Well Jordan here has been dating her since sophomore year and he was asking us about the perfect promposal for their senior year prom.” Gina could see EJ relax at the new information.

Miss Jenn came out just a minute later to tell everyone they have 20 more minutes before they ran through the first half of the second act again. Gina definitely scooted closer to EJ and he relaxed and put an arm around her as they discussed promposal ideas with Jordan.

Ashlyn could sense something was going to change between them sooner rather than later.

-

After opening night everyone saw the looks that EJ and Gina were giving each other all night and thought they finally got their act together. They learned they were wrong when they left for Slices in separate cars. Ashlyn, Nini and Carlos decided to come up with a plan.

Ashlyn promised Ricky that EJ wouldn’t hurt him too badly if he helped out with her plan. Ricky only agreed to go through with this because Nini gave him puppy dog eyes and Ashlyn did threaten him slightly. The plan was simple enough: go up to Gina, give her a small gift, ask her out knowing she’ll say no. Easy enough. The next school day was when the plan was going into action.

Ricky could feel his heart beating not because he was going to get rejected, (and hopefully not punched) but because his friends’ future is on his shoulders (he was only being a little bit dramatic). Ricky looked at the clock and knew it was go time.

“Uh, Gina hey!” Ricky knew his voice was shaking but hopefully that added to the drama of it all. “Can we talk real quick?” Her eyes got wide and Ricky got more nervous.

“Sure, what’s going on? What's with the bag?” She asked and gestured to the small bag containing her opening night gift. It wasn't anything big, just a bracelet Ashlyn heard her mention.

“Oh, it's for you,” Ricky was tapping his foot to keep him calm-ish. “Just a little opening night gift.”

Gina took the small bag and began to open it. “Wow, Ricky, it’s very pretty thank you. I just wrote a card, sorry.”

She only looked a little sorry about that. Ricky could tell the plan was going smoothly.

“No worries! I wasn’t expecting anything anyways, so thank you. But that’s not the full reason I'm here. I actually was wondering if you maybe wanted to get dinner later? Like a date?” Ricky hoped he sounded sincere enough and not like he was playing a part. He knew what was coming next and for the first time, was happy to be rejected.

“Ricky, I’m flattered but I'm actually-” she started until Ricky cut her off.

“No, no it’s okay I get it. You were really great tonight. I’ll see ya,” Ricky tried to hold back a sigh of relief as he walked away from here. He gave himself a high five as he rounded the corner.

Nini, Ashlyn and Carlos were all in the spot they set up as base and waited for him to round the corner.

Ashlyn was the first to speak “How’d it go? Did you get rejected? I hope so. No, that was mean but you know what I mean.” Ashlyn was talking almost too fast for him to keep up.

“It went exactly according to plan, now we just have to wait for Gina to tell EJ and he is the final piece of this, whether he knows it or not.”

They all had the same look on their face and hoped no one heard them.

-

Ashlyn knew the plan had been a success when she got a text from EJ asking to talk about something. She had to mentally prepare herself for the role of ‘inspiring cousin’ instead of ‘mastermind of the whole plan’. They planned to meet the day after the ‘Ricky Incident’ as she’s been calling it, at 4pm when Gina would be busy facetiming her brother.

Ashlyn heard a small knock on her door before it opened, revealing a nervous EJ.

“Hey, still a good time to talk?” EJ asked as she gave a nod.

Ashlyn turned her body towards EJ’s when he sat on the edge of her bed. “Of course, what’s going on?” she asked while trying to not sound giddy.

“Well, I’m not sure if you heard or if Gina told you, but Ricky asked her out last night after the show,” EJ’s voice faltered a bit, but Ashlyn couldn’t tell if it was jealousy or something else. “She said no, but now I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if she said yes. I would support her of course, but the thought of them together makes me sick to my stomach.”

Ashlyn scooted closer to him and pulled him into a hug. “I’m really proud of you, last semester you would have probably punched Ricky if you and Gina were the same way you are now. But, she said no, right? So no need to worry.”

EJ just gave her a small smile.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” EJ took a deep breath before continuing. “The last few months I've been confused about how close Gina and I are. When she told me about Ricky, the first feeling I got was dread. And the second feeling was that I missed my chance with her.”

EJ waited for Ashlyn’s reaction. Her face had the smile that she had been holding in this whole time.

“And by that you mean?” Ashlyn trailed off, letting EJ be the one to tell her.

“By that I mean, I like her more than a best friend way.” EJ prepared himself for her reaction, which came in the way of a bear hug while whispering ‘I'm really proud of you’ into his ear.

“So, now's your chance! Are you gonna ask her out?” Ashlyn knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t nearly as confident as he seemed.

“I’m not 100% sure she feels the same and I really don’t feel like losing her as a best friend for something I can try to ignore.” Ashlyn’s heart hurt at those words.

“Are we talking about the same Gina? The girl who goes out of her way to sit next to you, as close as she can get? You do realize that she went to you first to talk about Ricky, she still hasn’t brought it up to me.” Ashlyn was trying to get a read on his face, she could tell he was still doubting her.

“That’s just what friends do.”

“Have you ever seen me sit on someone’s lap who wasn't Big Red’s? No, because friends don’t do that, you only do that with someone you like.” EJ looked a bit more sure of himself now. “Look, you gotta trust me on this. Just believe in yourself.”

They hugged once more before EJ left her room to think for a bit.

-

It took a little over 72 hours after Ricky asked Gina out for EJ to find the courage to finally tell her how he feels. If this goes well, he would have to thank Ricky.

It was Monday around 3:30pm, school had let out about 45 minutes ago which meant the parking lot was empty, perfect for EJ’s plan.

His phone alerted him of a new text message.

‘hey almost at the car, sorry! mr. wills likes to make one question have a 30 minute lecture ugh’

‘No worries! I’ll have the air going!’

A few minutes later Gina walked towards EJ’s little red car, one of the last few in the parking lot. He saw her let out a laugh as he danced along to the song on the radio.

“Hey, hey!” Gina opened the passenger door with a cheesy smile on her face. “Having a dance party without me?”

EJ laughed at that.

“Just waiting for the life of the party is all!” Gina giggled at him and smacked his shoulder. “I mean it’s true! Did Mr. Wills do the whole ‘ohhh back in my day we had this and everything was better’ thing? I remember being stuck in class for an hour and a half last year all over the question ‘why is pluto no longer a planet?’ I meant it as a joke. He took it very seriously.” Gina was laughing hard at that story and nodding.

“He did! I asked him how long a year was on Jupiter and he had a lot of thoughts about it,” Gina said. “It’s ‘12 Earth years, but in my heart it’s only 11.5’” she said, imitating the teacher's voice.

EJ threw his head back laughing. She was grinning at him and he knew it was time. He lowered the volume of the radio and turned his body towards hers in the passenger seat. She gave him a confused look and then a surprised look when he took her hands.

“Eej, what’s going on?” She asked him as a shy smile made its way on her face. “Not that I'm complaining but I'm just a little out of the loop.”

She looked down at their joined hands and gave them a squeeze.

“Well after Ricky’s little stunt the other day, along with the hundreds of other times I was jealous of someone because they had your attention and I didn’t and not in a protective best friend way like I thought earlier in the year.” They were both grinning at each other, Gina knew what was about to happen and normally she would take control but she was curious this time.

“And after realizing that you are the most important person in my life, I also realized that I liked you in more than a friend way and I really hope you feel the same.” EJ had said the last bit in the softest voice, Gina couldn’t help but lean in for a hug. When they pulled apart she kept a fistfull of his shirt in her right hand, keeping him close.

“You know, I thought I was gonna have to be the one to confess. I was only gonna give you until Friday and then I was going to take it into my own hands,” Gina didn’t think EJ’s smile could get any bigger. “So to answer your question, I do feel the same and I'm trying really hard to not tackle you right now.” Gina knew her smile matched his.

EJ brought her back into a tight hug and kissed her hair. She relaxed against him and the pair stayed like that for a while just enjoying being close. When they finally pulled back Gina knew she could finally do what she’s been wanting to for months, kiss EJ.

They were both on the same page when Gina’s arms went around EJ’s neck and his hands found her waist. Gina gave EJ a small nod and they both leaned in.

Gina knew movies weren’t real but this was definitely her Disney moment. Her first kiss and it’s with the person she trusts most, which makes it even better. They both have matching shit eating grins on their faces when they pull back.

“My turn to ask the question,” Gina started but paused to give EJ a quick peck before continuing, “Would you, EJ Caswell, be my boyfriend? For real this time?” She knew the answer but she wanted to have her moment as well. EJ just gave a small nod but his eyes said it all.

They leaned back in for another kiss but broke apart when a car alarm sounded.

“So where do you wanna go on our first date? I’m thinking a picnic with Wendys and Sonic to drink?” EJ started his car fully as Gina thought it over.

“I’m down, as long as we go to the park with the duck pond!” She leaned over and gave him another kiss, she was allowed to do it and she was going to take full advantage.

“Of course! I even have a stack of quarters so we can get duck food!” Gina knew they made a great team and now they are going to make a great couple as well.

--

Ashlyn definitely woke up the neighbors when Gina and EJ came home holding hands.

Fin.