#and anyway i guess that this is the point when i can't help but get even more personal than usual

[thesummerstorms]

You know that conversation you can have with Emmrich where he asks what your plans are for your body when you die?

I think Arsinoë accidentally horrified him. Not by clinging to non-Nevarran ideals about cremation, but by telling him she never thought anyone would care that much one way or the other.

She would be dead, so she wouldn't care. And honestly, a majority of compradi die as Fledglings without graduating; she thinks their bodies were probably burned (since you have to do something with bodies) but they certainly don't have funerals, so it certainly wasn't worth worrying about then.

Emmrich interjects, trying to wrangle his own shock long enough to point out that she's not a Fledgling now, so surely...?

Well if she dies now, Arsinoë all but shrugs, it would depend on the circumstances, wouldn't it? She isn't someone important like a Talon or the scion of an established Crow family. She certainly isn't Caterina Dellamorte, who warrants something verging on a State Funeral.

If she died, there is still a non-zero chance it would be at another Crow's hands, in which case it's anyone's guess what happens after.

If she dies honorably fulfilling a contract, then Viago might feel obligated to do something if he isn't pissed off at her failure and she's isn't still in Exile. He's her mentor, so probably he would manage at least a small pyre. Maybe even a flower or two for the flames if he's letting himself feel sentimental. Teia would probably be there because Viago was.

But just as often, when a contract goes wrong, there's no time to go back for the body. The mark get ahold of it, or whoever's left on the contract has to focus on survival rather than the dignity of a corpse that can't feel any of it.

But really, none of that would matter to Arsinoë, would it? She'd be off wherever dead souls end up going, or maybe in oblivion, who knows. She doesn't have any family to be horrified by her corpse unless you count Viago, who is Fifth Talon, has bigger things to worry about, and will get over it.

But anyway, why do you ask, Emmrich?

Emmrich is too aghast to answer clearly at that point because every single point of Arsinoë's answer goes so deeply against everything that is ingrained in him as part of the Mourn Watch, from the belief that a corpse just doesn't matter to her sincere belief that no one would care enough about her for any particular mourning rights.

And the thing is Emmrich does care. It's his professional duty to care, but he's also become fond of his young friend and he cannot handle imagining that she could die on this mission or the next and potentially receive no rites at all.

Cue Emmrich starting to plan how he's going to have Rook interred in the Grand Necropolis when the time comes. It may involve some string pulling, especially if (hopefully) she dies not on this mission but in the distant future, and even more so if he precedes her and has to leave the job in one of his colleague's hands. But Maker help him, there will be a plan and her death will be respected.

When it comes to light, Neve is uncertain and a little weirded out, but also a little offended by all this. She's fallen in love with Rook, but even before that, the respect between them would have warranted a pyre and Arsinoë's name on the Wall of Light if there was no one else to arrange things. Is this why she's never asked about what happened after Varric-

Lucanis is horrified by the idea of Arsinoë as one of the spirit-possessed skeletons in the Necropolis or one of the jewel-eyed skulls in its many niches; he snaps at Emmrich about Nevarran obsession and respecting Rook as Antivan.

Emmrich refuses to budge. She expected the Crows to do nothing for her. She deserves better, deserves to be remembered, even if she isn't Nevarran.

Lucanis seems fully stunned by the idea that Rook believed this in the first place, given Viago's attachment. Given Lucanis's own growing feelings. Emmrich does soften a little bit when he sees that Lucanis truly didn't realize, but he also doesn't fully divert his plans.

Gathering a grave-dowry is normally left to a lover or family member if the deceased was themselves unable, and Emmrich is neither. But needs must, and though his friend now seems attached to Neve and Lucanis, hearts can be fickle. A plan is better. So he puts away small things here or there, eyes which of Rook's enchanted rings and amulets she seems to favor just in case.

It almost helps him live with the knowledge that Arsinoë believed she would die unmourned. Almost.

[thenyoumightaswellwrestleangels]

But I'm not much of anything (but you're everything to me)

let me wrap my teeth around the world - series masterlist here

pairing: sirius black x reader (gender neutral), implied poly marauders x reader

length: 1.8k

genre: fluff, kinda angsty, hurt/comfort

warnings: winter break angst I suppose, you're so young you don't have to be everything you want yet, you have time you learn and you grow and you become blah blah blah lol

a/n: me ?? posting a fic ?? wooow wowow anyway this is in the poly marauders series but it can totally be read stand alone

"I brought you your jacket." Your voice is quiet as it floats through the crisp night air, the sound hushed as Sirius cranes his head around to see you slipping through the back door and shutting it gently behind you. 

"You didn't need to do that."

"It's cold out here," you point out. There's a sort of familiarity that Sirius can't help but find some level of comfort in when he shrugs the heavy jacket on, the dark shine of the leather stark against the pale skin of his neck.

"What are you doing out here, anyway?" he asks a bit sullenly, wincing and brushing a stray hair out of your face as if to make up for his bluntness. But you just wrinkle your nose and lean against the porch railing, looking out toward the rolling white lawn of James's family home.

"Oh," you shrug lightly. "Just needed some fresh air." Sirius fixes you with a stare at your words, though, and you smile a bit sheepishly. "James pulled out the board games," you admit. "I was looking for an escape."

"Oh, so that's all I am to you?" Sirius quips, but the softness in your returning smile catches him a bit too off guard and he feels his heart thump rather painfully in his chest.

"No," you respond sweetly. "If all I was looking for was a quick exit, I would've gone for climbing out the window. I'm out here for you, I'm afraid."

"How awful of me, then," he jokes weakly, and you look at him like it's the funniest thing you've heard all day. Sirius clenches his fists where he leans on the railing, letting the rings that adorn his fingers pinch his skin and press against his palms as he looks out into the night. You're standing close enough that he can feel your arm brushing against his - close enough that he feels something that seems strangely like love rolling off of you in waves.

"What are you doing out here?" He says it again, like a whisper, like a plea that he knows will be unheard. You look at him steadily as he shakes and you smile and he kind of wishes you really had climbed out the window instead of coming after him. Just for a moment. Just for a second, before the guilt sets in and he -

"Remus, uh, he said that you…"

"Had a breakdown?"

"No," you respond easily. "He didn't quite put it like that."

"But you get the idea," Sirius huffs. You lean closer to knock your shoulder against his.

"I do, baby," you offer gently. "I do."

Somewhere inside, James's boisterous laugh can be heard as Remus swears and shouts something about how cheating ruins the game. Sirius's fists clench tight enough that his knuckles whiten and you tap a nail against the wooden railing in thought. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" you ask lightly. Then you watch the muscles in his jaw flex as he clenches his teeth.

"Is there anything to talk about?"

"Mhm," you nod. "Usually a bit more than you think." He sighs at that, a defeated sort of thing as he slumps down just a bit, sinking into the warmth of his jacket as a wicked winter wind blows through. 

"I just really thought, for a little bit - I guess I really believed I'd be someone someday." He whispers it like a prayer, like a confession before some sort of altar. You answer like he's the one who should be prayed to.

"You are someone."

"No - but… you know what I mean, yea?"

"I do," you concede, sighing a bit. "I - I really do." The words come out in a sort of rush as you say them, tumbling out of you and into the frozen air as Sirius shoots you a peculiar look.

"I don't know how you do it, love," he admits in that slow, low timbre of his. You perk up a bit and glance over to him with your brows raised.

"Do what?"

"What… what I never could." You're still looking at him, he's sure, but he's avoiding your gaze in the wake of his confession, tipping his head back to stare up at the endless stars, instead. 

"Oh, Sirius, I -" You cut yourself off with a laugh and it's a hollow, pitchy sort of thing - off and different and wholly unnatural coming from you. It makes him snap his gaze back down to look at you and when he sees the tremble in your face he wonders, not for the first time, how he manages to fuck it all up so often. 

But then you smile at him like the stars shine down on the two of you because he hung them there. You smile and you look up, yourself, into the endless vastness.

"I'm not, uh… well, I'm not really much of anything these days," you admit quietly, the words halting and slow as they leave you.

"That's bullshit, babe," Sirius responds, the words tugged from him as soon as he hears the tremor in your voice. "You're everything."

"Aw, see how easy it is?" you sigh, leaning back and hanging onto the railing as your voice wavers just a touch. 

"What?" Sirius asks quietly - because he knows, he thinks. He's knows what's going on.

"How easy it is to see yourself in someone else," you clarify. It makes him frown, makes his brows bunch together as he stares down at you. More wind blows through, the beginnings of snowy flurries fluttering through the air and makes you shiver, your sweater doing little to protect you from the incoming storm.

"You should've brought your own jacket out here," Sirius huffs, pointedly derailing the conversation as he shrugs off his own dark leather to drape it over your shoulders.

"I only had time to grab one," you murmur in response as you let him manhandle you into his jacket, the weight of it settling heavily on yout shoulders as you curl your hands into the too-long sleeves.

"What's that thing you always say?" Sirius mumbles as he smooths his hands down your arms, his fingers cold against the fabric. "Something about putting your own oxygen mask on first?"

"Aw," you tease, turning to lean against the railing again and bump your shoulder against him. "But then how would I get you to look after me, huh?"

It's a joke, of course - Sirius knows it's a joke, recognizes the quip in your words. But he can't help himself. He grabs onto your shoulders gently and spins you around to face him once more, his face sombre and lips pressed together as he tilts his head down to look you in the eye. 

"I'll always look after you," he says sternly. "You know that, right? Always, I - you deserve that much, you know? You deserve to have someone find you out in the cold and give you a jacket."

There's a strange quality in your returning smile as you listen to him speak and Sirius, somewhere distant and safe, gets the feeling that you know something that he doesn't.

"I know you do," you say sweetly when he's done his rambling, and the words make a frown tug further on his face as he shakes your shoulders ever so gently.

"Not me," he clarifies sternly. "You - you deserve it. We're talking about you." But then there's that smile from you again, sweet and loving and shining up at him like he's the only warmth you need. It makes him stumble, just a bit, makes him lose his footing as he looks down at you in his jacket, the necklace he gave you last year shining against your neck and the hickey that he'd given you yesterday just barely hidden under your hair.

He lets go of you - he can't help it. He lets go of you and takes a step back to cross his arms over his chest, instead, like he's curling into himself somehow.

"What do you think?" you muse quietly. "Do I look like you?" Sirius thinks, for a queasy sort of moment, that you sort of do. 

"No," he says shortly, the irritation in his voice so surface-level and fake that you grin a bit. "You look like you."

"Well," you say easily as you rock back on your heels a bit and your grin widens. "I'll take that, I suppose."

"You should," he quips back, shivering as the wind blows through and a golden warmth filters onto the two of you as someone turns on another light inside. "What a thing to be, hm?"

"Aw," you tease, but you lean up on your toes and grip onto Sirius's shoulders as you tilt your head to look at him. "You love me, huh?"

"Against my better judgement, yes," Sirius murmurs back, smoothing a hand over your lower back as he leans down to press his lips against yours. It's familiar by now, the feeling of you pressed against him. He knows the shape of you and the feel of your warmth radiating into him. He knows the way that your lips move against his and the way you smile into the kiss. He knows the way that this love feels, he realizes, and it makes him tangle a hand into your hair and tug ever so gently as he nips at your lower lip.

"The others will start to feel left out if we stay out here for too long," you murmur quietly, your lips brushing against Sirius's as he chases after you.

"Just a few more minutes."

"You'll also freeze to death," you point out. That makes him laugh, makes him tilt his head back and look up at the stars and feel how close they are between the two of you. You smooth a hand over his chest as he looks up, placing your palm against his shirt to feel the steady thump of his heart under his skin. And how odd, you think, to feel it beat like that for you. 

"Thanks, sweet thing," Sirius says eventually, his voice quiet as he moves slowly to look down at you once more.

"For what?" you ask simply. The kiss that he presses against your nose is so gentle you almost don't feel it. But you always feel Sirius. You always know where he is.

"For coming out into the cold for me," he says quietly, and if his voice wavers and cracks, you take no notice. "For - for bringing me something warm."

"It's a nice jacket," you respond easily, but your fingers thump against his chest as you echo the beating rhythm of his heart. "It deserves to be worn."

"Yea," Sirius sighs, his shoulders, he finds, lifting a bit with a lightness that's so difficult to find in the dark. "It is a nice jacket."

[solaskisser]

I finished Veilguard, so spoilers ahead!

I didn't really get any pics of the end cause I was focused on what was happening so I didn't capture my Solavellan ending (I think I'll just reload right before it to get pictures before I delete my save) but that truly made me sick I love them sm - when they were speaking Elven to each other like my pookies 😖 Solas in general will always make me so sad. He's so tragic and I love him. Overall though the ending was just wild, I knew something was weird with Varric but I didn't necessarily guess THAT ??? that shit was straight crazy and replaying it is gonna make me like hyper vigilant to how the other characters react cause WHAT do u mean u sit there and let me be crazy as shit low-key. anyway I'm gonna play again and mayhaps I'll play Alya again some time, I still haven't fully decided who I'll play next but I'm excited.

My only complaints really are that I wish there was more romance (which EVERYONE said) Taash's romance was nice, and they're hawt asf but definitely could've had more dialogue and scenes specifically! Especially like I remember telling my partner that I wish I could erase my memory and romance Solas again. His romance was just so good, partly because he's Solas but also I felt there was a decent amount of content in DAI that seemed to fall through in Veilguard. Also, a lot of things felt sort of rushed I guess? Some of the issues or anything like that to me seemed to be briefly brushed upon before we moved to something else. This wasn't everything but it did seem to happen often (like the thing w Solas and Mythal at the very end... there's a lot implied there!)

Overall though the game is very easy to play, which I'll never complain about, I enjoyed most of my companions and it'll be fun to explore other romances, options, and just kind of see what I pick up on now that I know certain things. but yeah, I kinda regret not taking any endgame pics but I'll remake Vela at some point and get that ending again. I'd like to make Phaedrus (my Dorian romance) too at one point so we'll see. It truly has me itching to romance Solas again teehee

I guess one last thing - I'd like to say the theme of the game was very interesting, which I think is why I felt that it fell short right at the end. The theme of regret has a lot of potential and I feel it wasn't as explored as it could've been, but I was still happy for Solas in the end. I can't imagine playing a playthrough where you don't help him 😭 I guess I could maybe understand but I just couldn't do it. I truly feel bad for him at the end of the day. I just wish it explored it a little more like we got to see with Rook in the fade quest.

[doublejango]

Blitz let them move away; don't smother him, he told himself, even if it left his heart aching because all he wanted was to be close. He stayed on his side of the couch, listening, taking it all in, and fighting to keep his expression calm as panic rose. This was going to be hard. Fuck, this was going to be so fucking hard.

When Stolas finished, Blitz climbed up to sit on the back of the couch. Resisting the urge to reach out, he held his tail on his lap and fidgeted with it instead, to keep his hands occupied. There was so fucking much that needed to be said and all of it was ridiculously important; if he started with the wrong thing, would it make everything worse? That was a tempting spiral, but Blitz had to force himself to stay out of it. Things couldn't really get much worse, right? So as long as it was any kind of step forward, it was better than nothing.

Besides. He wasn't going to let his fucking fears get the best of him. Stolas needed to be able to let it all out right now. He needed to be able to mourn, to feel his emotions, to let them breathe. He needed space to break--which meant Blitz needed to be the strong one for them, and he accepted the burden with a fierce, if frightened, love.

"So, first of all... Stolas, you saved my life. I was what, a tenth of a second away from death? If even that? And you saved me. You know that like, is a huge deal, right? You were brave as shit, when you... you didn't really have any reason to be. Cause you don't know how much I..." Hesitating, his eyes dropped for a moment and he frowned. With a small shake of his head a moment later though, Blitz looked back up and met their eyes again.

Don't say that yet, he told himself. Keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the man you love.

"It was huge. You doing that. And I hear you on being upset that you think you almost tore us apart, but Stol's... the way we, I mean imps and Hellhounds, the way we live, we're only ever one bad day away from the end anyway. The risk of ruin is like, always right there for us, you know? We're always on the edge, but the ground is tilted so we're always slowly sliding. So it's not like... as shocking, I guess? For me to almost die? As it might feel to you."

He let go of his tail, holding up a hand. Blitz closed his eyes, needing a moment more to compose his thoughts, hoping to go on uninterrupted. When he had everything in order, he let out a tight sigh and opened his eyes again.

"I know you'll help out more. When you can, you'll chip in for the utilities and shit. Stolas, I know that. Cause I trust you, and know you have a good fuckin' heart. But you don't need to rush into that.

"Babe, you... you got wounded. Pretty badly. Maybe not on the outside, but you can't tell ne the wound isn't there. You got hurt. Bad. And the last time..." Blitz's voice had been calm up until now, but as shame heated his face, his voice trembled. "The last time you got hurt, I didn't even come see you in the hospital. I should've. And maybe if I had then everything would be different now and--" No. Fuck. Calm the fuck down. Blitz reined it in. Another deep breath. Back to gripping his tail with both hands.

"My point is, I know you've just been hurt again. So much worse this time. And when we get hurt, sometimes we need to take time to heal. So I think... if you're... if you're okay with this idea. The best way for all of this to start? Is for you to just.... just take a few days. Try not to worry about how to fix shit, or help out, cause we'll get there together. Just... take a few days to rest, like you got the shit kicked out of you. Watch TV with me. Maybe like, maybe you can talk some sense into that fucker in the corner," he added, nodding back over his shoulder towards a squat, smirking houseplant that had half a jacket firmly gripped in its roots. "Fucker stole Loonie's favorite jacket last week and won't let go. But I mean, keep the focus small for a few days. Treat your body like it needs some time, cause your spirits sure as fuck do.

"Maybe we can start with me getting a start on breakfast while you find a book to read? I don't got a lot of them, and they're all trashy romance, but that librarian lady's real great and she lets me check 'em out. Even if you don't got the juice to actually start reading, dig through em and find one that maybe you'll want to?"

He felt a little like a dick for giving Stolas a task, especially something that might seem so petty and small, but they were going to have to one-step-at-a-time this shit. And on the plus side, Blitz's reading level was still fairly low, so he was bringing more simply written books home as he worked on improving it; hopefully, without the language being complex, it wouldn't be so hard for Stolas to just sort of mindlessly consume them a little when he was ready.

Blitz didn't know if he was doing any of this right, but it was worth it to try. Whatever it took to try and help his baby, it was worth it to try.

A soft, barely audible self-soothing coo is emitted. It still felt surreal. Impossible. But seeing the light in Blitz’s eyes and the curl of his tail — his chest aches. A warmth blooms through him. Blitz is safe and most importantly, alive. When he feels the soft touch of claws against his face, Stolas can’t help but lean into it. Stars, he has craved this tenderness. He wants it so desperately. There was only one thing stopping him from pulling Blitz into his arms and holding him there until every last tear was wrung from him until his throat felt too tight, too dry, and the impression of the imp’s body was permanently etched into him. Himself. 

He listens, hanging off of every word like a hopeful and saddened flower turning towards the sun. That’s what he is, after all. . . his Sun; the brightest star in the sky. A constant and powerful thing that chases every lingering fold of darkness out of its path. But Stolas doesn’t feel as though he’s deserving of that patch of sunlight; doesn’t think he’s earned the warmth that radiates from Blitz, least of all now. No matter how badly he wants to sink into it and nest within the comfort and safety being offered to him. And though he holds Blitz’s gaze through it all, Stolas winces. His own hands rise, framing the imp's face, gentle and afraid — as if his touch might invoke some horrible event all over again. ❝ Blitz, you almost died because of me. How. . . How can you . . . ❞ He gives an exasperated sound, withdrawing to press the palms of his hands against his eyes. He can’t stay still. It was too much. The owl carefully extracts himself from the couch, practically climbing over it to put the furniture between them. Now he averts his gaze.

❝ How are you not infuriated with me? What I suggested, what I did, what I established between us put you in danger in the first place! I should have known better. There is so much of what has happened that I wouldn’t dream of taking back or changing, and Stars! If I would have thought of it sooner, if I could have — it would have saved us so much. . . and maybe, just maybe none of this would have happened. But you cannot. . . . You can’t offer me sanctuary and family when I damned well nearly ruined yours! You have a daughter, Blitz! You have friends and an established career and all of that nearly came crumbling down — you almost DIED because of what I did. I need. . . .❞ Tears spill from red eyes, bright but not shining. Stolas turns away, beak clicking the moment he thumps the top of his head on the ceiling fan once more. This time it doesn’t threaten to fall, and the impact is less jarring. Nevertheless, he glares at it before hugging himself tightly. 

❝ You say I do not need to earn a place here, but why not? I think I do. I should! How can you just give me a place to stay and care for me? How can Loona so readily offer clothes to the one who nearly took her father away and ❞ But Stolas can’t conjure the words. He dissolves, and with the trembling that overtakes him, doesn’t trust his body to move. So the owl lets himself drop rather ungracefully to the floor. Drawing his legs close, Stolas buries his face and lets the wreckage of his emotions spill. He could not keep it in, could not hold his mask. But he can hide his face and do his best to stifle the sounds. 

❝ I will. . . I will do my best. ❞ He resigns himself to that and does not dare promise anything outright. Because he was already half of who he was; he felt so empty, so lost, and everything was uncertain. He tried desperately, over and over to remind himself it was only one hundred years. But it already felt so impossibly long, and he had no way of knowing what Via would think of him. They would become strangers.

Stolas wasn’t certain he could survive the aftershocks. But he would try. Maybe not for himself. He could do it for Via, and even for Blitz, but not himself. There was something tragic in it all, and he felt like sand slipping through fingers. Too small, too insignificant, too easy to miss or let go of. Just a pretty decoration to put in a glass and show off.

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 28: The Sparks Brothers

I'm not a movie person... So when I do actually rewatch a movie (I mean, even watch it, at ALL, haha) it must really mean that something is up. I mean, well, it also IS a thorough, highly enjoyable and visually appealing movie about a band that I've been so incredibly invested in for the past several months. So maybe it's a surprise that I don't watch it more often actually. Because one beautiful side-effect of seeing it each time was getting an unexpected and very strong surge of motivation to keep on going towards the things that matter to me the most, despite any and all obstacles that could appear on the way. Another side-effect of it is being happy and joyfull and being filled with warm feelings and thoughts for the whole following day at least. Usually up to 3 days afterwards actually.

But ok, of course, what I'm getting at is that the Maels' story is so incredibly inspirational. Seeing how they persevered through all those years and NEVER lost their spirit or their vision, never gave up... is not only moving but also something that reminds me that wow, so much *really* is possible. I spent so many years fully convinced that there are things that I'll never be able to achieve. And sure, some of them are indeed pretty unlikely to happen. But if you told me from even one year ago that I'd be making art daily and not dreading being so much as perceived anywhere in the great world (so, including the internet)... well, I would have not believed it at all. I really mean it when I say that I used to believe that there are things that I'll just never be able to do. It's like it was simply not meant for me to be able do it and have those experiences. And yet...!

There's a lot I owe Sparks and this is one of the biggest things I'll always be grateful for. They really changed my life for the better. Truly nothing else before them reaches the same degree of how much it helped me. And well, I'm saying this on TSB day because this is where this feeling of gratitude and feeling SO lucky becomes the strongest. And the beautiful thing about it all is that they were always just themselves. They had their vision, they knew what they wanted to do and didn't care about how it would be received. Which is such an important and meaningful message to me, I can't even express how huge it is to me to see these two people who only really had themselves and their endurance and got exactly where they wanted to be.

Alright, some less grandiose observations now. Well, let's start with the fact that this was by no means my introduction to Sparks but it still really cemented my love for them even more. I loved being reminded of their whole journey and learning more about it, and even moreso I loved being able to see more of their beautiful brotherly bond and their wonderful personalities. Truly no other people in this whole world make me as happy as them currently. And the brothers' sense of humour hits super close to mine, so this is also a time filled with genuine laughs (I die laughing at the absolutely true Sparks facts at the end EVERY TIME). And since I'm a huge fan of animation and mixed media art and such things, this was simply a joy to view for my more artistically-inclined side too.

And damn, those two hours and 15 minutes really fly by so fast. When I have to arrange a huge timeslot to watch it all in one go, because that's the only way to do it for me, and then it feels like no time has passed anyway. And even with so much being said there, it feels like there's still so much more to get to. But it's still enough to lift my spirits completely for a pretty long time. And to make me cry a lot of the time too... Absolutely impossible to not shed a tear by the end of it all. It's moving, it's funny as heck, it's super fun and it's absolutely beautiful and truly lifechanging. 💖

[arsenicflame]

hi so, checking in (sorry, its personal bullshit again, ill get back to the fandom stuff you actually wanted,,,, eventually)

things. are going bad. like, really bad, like last january bad. like im about to lose all my personhood again bad. im hoping its still just going to be a small blip and things will start upticking soon, but. im bracing for that not to be the case. it feels different to me

i vaguely mentioned earlier in the week taking a bit of a step back, and ive decided to extend that into a full break. my queues probably going to run out before im back, though i have slowed it down some. thatll be the only noticable difference for 99% of people. i wont guarantee any dm responses on here, but ill do my best for the couple of people who have me on discord

i didnt really want to do this again but it gets messy in my head, and ive found the best way to control the clawing beast of attention and need and the things that make me want to be a person i dont want to be is to cut it off at the source. its not nice, and it hurts, and it definitely kills the chances of making friends but. i promise you its better than the alternative.

ill see you when i see you, i guess. i hope its soon. i hope this isnt how it feels to be. i hope the feelings that have existed this week go dormant again. but itll be what itll be. i can't change that

[glisten-inthedark]

Hi first of all, I'd definitely advise you to do saga by saga because when I tell you this hellsite put up on hell of a fight to let this appear on the tags I'm not kidding.

About Just A Man - I'm curious about why you believe that and I can't wait to read your thoughts, but it does makes sense considering how the song is structured so I can't wait to read your thoughts.

About the parallel, yep! To be honest, I feel that Odysseus was also being somewhat spiteful here - which he has the right to be - but still lmao. But in Get In The Water he was being incredibly genuine, he was offering Poseidon a true connection (did this give me an idea? Mayhaps) but my point is, he was doing so and as we discussed it before, was even close to reaching an resolution. But I guess in the end his own genuine emotion may have been what caused the drift because it's not something Poseidon knows or wants to deal with but alas, I won't ramble lmao.

About the island - while I agree I also can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have done something different before Polites' dead. While I don't necessarily find what he did dumb, I always wondered if that was something he did that way because of Polites' death or if he'll always go about it that way regardless of what happened before, you know?

That was the one thing that I kept going back to but when I think about it more - he does acknowledge that Aeolus' offer sounded too easy so with that I conclude that I don't know anymore lmao (and why is this my current feeling about Different Beast and Scylla?)

Keep Your Friends Closer - yeah, I agree completely. I think she was telling him how to beat the game and he just misinterpreted because of what happened before and I also don't think that Eurylochus would've opened the bag if Odysseus had trusted him.

Yeah the thing about Ruthlessness frustrates me a lot I'm not even going to lie.

And about the heart(beat) yeah is definitely telling, that's for sure. I didn't even think about it in the context of GITW because I obviously didn't get there but you're definitely onto something.

Anyways, thanks so much the additions and I hope you didn't get tagged 500 times when I was wagging my war against the Tumblr gods lmao.

Epic Analysis - Act I

So I made a joke a while back about analyzing the themes of the musical and that'd be ten pages long and it turns out I'm not that far off considering just act I has ~checks mark ~ 8 pages and over 4K words lmao.

I want to preface this by saying I'm pointing out things that I have noticed while listening to it - I'm no way claiming to be right about anything, and there things I may have missed or may have misundertood.I don't have a degree in music nor am I a professional writer/songwriter, so you can interpret the points bellow however you wish.

And to follow along with.

Red - Song titles

Orange - repeated sentences that appear later on.

Blue - motifs

I hope you all enjoy and please do me a favor and like and reblog this with your thoughts because I lost a good amount of brain cells doing this.

Also, please share your thoughts and theories, too <3

And if you kindly could like and reblog so this can reach new people I'd be greatly appreciated.

The Horse And The Infant

We get our first introduction to Odysseus' electric guitar with his motif.

We also learn a bit about Odysseus himself - he can operate well under pressure, he is a good captain who knows the strength of his men and he also says: "Neo, avenge your father (Achilles) kill the brothers of Hector"

We hear a heartbeat when he's thinking about Penelope and Telemachus. (This will be important later on, trust lmao).

Zeus appears and we can hear his synth base.

We hear the music box that will later be heard again.

Odysseus begs Zeus to not make him kill the infant.

"Please, don't make me do this"

"The blood on your hands is something you won't lose, all you can choose is whose".

Just A Man

We get our first introduction to Odysseus' acoustic guitar.

But when does a comet become a meteor?

When does a candlе become a blaze?

When does a man become a monster?

When does a ripple become a tidal wave?

When does the reason become the blame?

When does a man become a monster?

Is important to note that the acoustic guitar disappears completely as soon as Odysseus decides that he has to kill the infant to ensure the lives of all of those he loves. It's also important to note that despite providing Zeus with alternatives, he still does what it takes as he said he would not long ago.

Here we also learn of Odysseus' hunger - And his is vastly different from pretty much any other character - because his hunger is about seeing his wife and his child - is not literal, but rather metaphorical.

And another interesting fact - we hear a choir singing back Odysseus' words back to him and that won't be the first time that it happens.

There's a possibility that's the crew doing so - but if he's in the wall and they're bellow, how exactly do they know what's happening there? And how can they hear what's he's saying?

I point this out because Jay himself has claimed that only gods can summon their own choir, so - what exactly is happening here?

Full Speed Ahead

We are introduced to other character and one foe that arguably poses more threat than the gods - hunger.

And Odysseus has enough hindsight - at that moment - to know that there was something was off because he could see fire but no smoke, which is an interesting thing in and on itself considering that we often say that "where there's fire, there's smoke".

He also stops Eyrulochus from barging in the island and states that he should go ahead with Polites, because they could find a way of no one ending up dead.

But when Eyrulochus states that they don't know what's ahead, Odysseus says that if they don't return six hundred men can make the whole place burn. (This is interesting, and quite telling if I say so myself).

Full Speed Ahead serves to drive the plot forward, but also gives us insight into Odysseus' mindset prior to Polites' death.We close the song with Ody's eletric guitar again.

Open Arms

We are presented with Polites' philosophy about kindness and greeting the word with open arms.

"You can relax my friend"

"Greet the world with open arms"

We can hear a (heart)beat - not to be confused with the heartbeat we hear in the name of Penelope - as soon as the minions ented the sound space with "welcome" and the beat remains there until we hear Polite's say: "See".

I said not to be confused with Penelope's because this beat does sound like a heartbeat - it picks up the pace and slows down but is not present in every song nor is it present in every section of the songs it shows up in - which leads me to believe it might mean something (unless it's a random beat, but I'm being honest I have a hard time believing that).

So our first theoretical introduction to this sound happens when they are near perceived danger - but we all know what the danger motif sounds like at this point (which I won't tackle because is everywhere and it doesn't feel necessary as off now).But the beat disappears as soon as the situation is resolved and it does not appear again.

And again, Odysseus is warning the winions that if they don't make it back safely, his men will burn the island down. And here, Odysseus presents Polites with the idea that Open Arms with no discernment can sometimes lead them down a path they do not wish to go - "that's what you get with open arms".

But when they manage to "succeed" living by what Polites' said, Odysseus begins to ponder which is why Athena shows up.

Warrior of The Mind

We are introduced to Athena as a character and we hear her motif for the first time.

We hear the heart(beat) again as soon as Odysseus asks Athena to show herself. So here it seems to be present again near perceived danger, or at the very leas near the unknown.

And we hear his electric guitar motif right before she asks what his name is.

Polyphemus

Again, we hear the electric guitar and his motif but on a different scale than what we usually get (I'm pretty sure)

And not for the first time, we have Odysseus having enough awareness to notice that something is off, because everything is too perfect.We hear the heart(beat) again once Polyphemus asks "who are you?"

Here is the first time where said beat can be perceived at different metric sections than they'd normally be for a normal beat, here they are present in certain words.

At first, we hear it constantly until Odysseus says they come in peace, and they stop and come back in the word "sheep". It appears between that and favorite, and appears again in "favorite", again in "right" and "deep", and then in "know" and then the beat is gone.

But is important to note that in this first section, we only hear one beat per minute.

It stays gone for a good portion of the song and it shows up again as soon as he stops saying: "A gift for you and a gift from me" and it sounds a little bit more stuttery in this part but is gone again before Odysseus says his name is "nobody".

And we hear the electric guitar again in this section. And then the beat again - this time two beats per minute.

This is the first instance in which we hear the beat associated with actual danger, but not only danger but also presented in a context of someone claiming they come in peace right after they kill a sheep that was there just minding its own business and then in a context where one of the parts is being manipulated but has also made up their mind about things will end.

As for the song itself, there are some things I find interesting in it because I don't think we talk enough about how the themes are connected, or about this particular theme that I'll touch on again.

But Polyphemus asks Odysseus what gives him the right to deal that kind of pain - i.e: the pain of losing his friend sheep, and asks him if he doesn't know that pain he sows is pain that he'll reap and proceeds to warn him that he'll learn that is not so fun to take."A trade you see, take from you like you took from me".

Everyone talks about how this line is foreshadowing to him taking Odysseus favorite person from him - and it is! But it also shows us something else: Consequence (which isn't the first we see off and won't be the last). Odysseus himself will later say he didn't lose any of his men in the war - because up to that point - he was a brilliant commander that thought up an idea to bring a horse into a city so that they could win, but before Astyanax - which is a point I'll make later on -, Odysseus was never presented with the consequences of his own actions.

This isn't an argument about who was right or who was wrong - but objectively, about the principle that every action has an reaction, and that's when Odysseus will learn this the hard way. So the song and the character are telling him (and us by extension) that Odysseus entered the cave, killed the sheep and that actions will have consequences. He obviously didn't know that he was killing something important to someone, especially someone that could kill him - but that's the thing, whether he knew or not doesn't matter to Polyphemus. He still felt the pain of losing the sheep, and because he felt that pain, he had to make Odysseus feel the same.

There was an action, that action caused someone pain, and so because of it, that pain must be felt in the same way to be understood.

And then again we see Ody's mind at work - with him tricking Polyphemus with the lotus wine -. Odysseus is trying to fix the situation with a gift - as a way of saying, I may have taken something from you, but here I am giving you something back -.

"A trade you see, a gift for you and a gift from me"

I also find it interesting that Odysseus talks about the power that's in his hand when referring to the wine. I understand that apparently it was Dionysus' wine, but if we think about another possible meaning, it could also refer to Polyphemus own thirst (and his father's, by extension) which is the thirst for power, not on the traditional sense but rather on the sense that he felt his power over the island and the sheep was taken away, so in order to gain it back, he must kill the people that took it from him.

Survive

We hear Zeus' reprisal of The Horse and The Infant but I'm pretty sure the tempo is a little bit faster than what it is in the previous use of it.It could be because the same way Zeus ordered Odysseus to kill Astyanax, he's ordering his men to kill Polyphemus who also happens to be a child Cyclops - but I think there's more to it than that.

We hear the guitar again.

Odysseus explicitly states he's ready to kill. "Is just one life to take".

"When we kill him then our journey is over"

We don't hear the heart(beat) here at all.

And then Polyphemus takes over the song and the motif as well, and kills Polites.

And then he says "You've hurt me enough".

"Six hundred lives I'll take, six hundred lives I'll break, and when I kill you then my pain is over" (Sidenote, I was looking at Spotify and the lyrics there were "then my deed is over" and it make me question everything because I always heard it as pain and everywhere else has as pain so yeah, Spotify sucks).

Going back to the point, I always found it interesting that Polyphemus would say that when he kills the men his pain will be over. Because it made me wonder - does he mean his literal pain or the psychological one? Is not like he didn't care about the sheep - he did - quite a lot. So is it possible that he's not referring to just the physical pain but a different one too? Because here he sounds more vulnerable than he did in the previous song when he says "enough, you've hurt me enough". He doesn't even sound angry, but rather quite vulnerable.

So if my interpration is correct - this is also the first time that Odysseus sees the emotional pain he caused on one of his foes, but is also the first time we have another character stating that for said pain to be over, the thing that caused it has to be dead.

Remember Them

This is Odysseus "coming to terms with his losses" (I'll touch on why this is on quotes later). But we again get his eletric guitar and Odysseus resilience being brought to the forefront.

He goes back to his military mindsight quite fast considering what just happened, and he delivers his orders very fast at that moment.

And after a whole song without the (heart)beat - it appears again when the other cyclops appear in the soundspace and ask "Who hurt you" and it disappears as soon as Athena appears.

So here the beat appears again in perceived danger - but also when someone is actually hurt.

And this is when Polyphemus is presented with the consequence of his own actions as well. He killed some of Odysseus pain out of retribution because Odysseus killed his sheep - so now Odysseus stabs him in the eye so that they can get out of the cave -.

And now, instead of killing the Cyclops, he decides to let him live, which will have consequences. As I said before, one song ago Odysseus was ready to kill him, but he had no qualms about doing so either; however, as soon as Polites dies Odysseus' whole mindset changes.

He decides to spare him like his friend would have wanted, but he also gives his own name away due to what I can only surmise to be resentment. Is almost like he's saying: "This is the man, that unlike you, has mercy".

Also, this is what Odysseus says:

"Remember me. I'm the reigning king of Ithaca"

"I am neither man nor mythical"

"I am your darkest moment"

"I am the infamous Odysseus"

And again we hear a choir in the background as he says all of this. Could the choir be the crew? Maybe - but if that's the case, why would they enter when this is singularly about Odysseus himself?

My Goodbye

We get Athena's motif again.

This song does a great job of recontextualizing Warrior of The Mind.

We hear Odysseus' guitar again - and I believe we get both of them although I'm not entirely sure if I'm being honest. I touched on this before, but I find it interesting that Athena tells Odysseus that he needs to put his emotions aside while actively being emotional herself. She's the one that's berating him, calling him a waste of effort, she's the one that sings a whole break-up song about it while Odysseus just wants her to be gone.

The lyrics and the musicality show us that Athena does care about him - we can feel that especially after Odysseus tells her that she's alone because of the notes on the piano, is almost like his words have a physical effect on her -.

Storm

The trumpets!

And we have Aeolus' motif.

Luck Runs Out

"How much longer 'till your luck runs out? How much longer 'till the show goes south?"

You rely on wit and people die on it"

Here we have Odysseus blindly deciding to ask a god for help. When we consider the fact that he just lost his best friend because he decided to barge in some place he shouldn't have, his choice to just climb to the top and ask for help makes even less sense, unless, you consider the fact that he took Polites' advice about "just asking for help" to heart.

Then Odysseus states that he still believes in goodness and that people can be kind - and we'll later learn that remains to be true even after everything - but he doesn't seem to grasp, yet, that blind goodness/kindness can have consequences - is no wonder we always say that no good deed goes unpunished.

Now, remember when I said that before Odysseus could both grasp when something was off because of the lack of smoke or because something was too good to be true? Why does that change? And it does, because he should've known how gods are - hell, he just had a huge blowout with one a few songs ago -, so why does he lose this hindsight all of a sudden?

Eurylochus' concerns are very valid - he has a point about Odysseus' relying too much on his wit to get people out of situations. He shouldn't have questioned him in front of the entire crew, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a point.

Here, we also get a glimpse of Odysseus' current state - he says that he took six hundred men to war and that none of them died there -, which is true, but why isn't he addressing those who died after?And get the (heart)beat all over this song too.

Keep Your Friends Close

We have the (heart)beat again.

Is interesting that Aeolus' remark about keeping friends close and enemies closer led Odysseus to be distrustful of his crew, and yet, the god didn't say not to trust the crew, she just said: "Keep your friends close".

But because of what just happened one song ago, Odysseus doesn't feel like he can trust the bag to anyone else, which means he doesn't switch shifts with anyone and ends up falling asleep.

"So much has changed, but I'm the same".

Storm motif.

Full Speed Ahead motif.

Poseidon shows up.

Ruthlessness

Oh, this song!

First of all, the lyrics do a great job of presenting us with Poseidon philosophy and character

"Guess the pack of wolves is swimming with the shark now" This line here, oh is beautiful. Because Poseidon acknowledges that Odysseus and his men are dangerous (the pack of wolves) and that they can be brutal in their own right - he's not taking away their merit like many would in this circumstance -, but he's saying they're swimming with the shark (him). Meaning: They are under his domain now, under his control, and he now has the upper hand because he's not only distant from them but also has more power. (Credit to Mortius for the amazing analysis of this line)

"Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves"

I touched on this before, but I needed to highlight how I have seen far too many people completely miss the point of this song - not only on YouTube but also here, for some reason -. People argue that Poseidon asked for an apology which Odysseus didn't give and that's why he killed most of his fleet.

No.

The entire song is an exposition of Poseidon's philosophy - it's a way of showing us that he doesn't believe in mercy or kindness, that he believes that in order to survive one must be ruthless at all times. He's literally saying: "If you had been ruthless and killed my child, I wouldn't be here right now because I wouldn't know who did it".Or even then - I don't think he'd have sought Odysseus out. The reason he does is precisely because Ody decided to be merciful instead.

So is not like he's looking for a genuine apology - there was nothing Ody could've said that would've made Poseidon spare him -, he's just toying with Odysseus at that point.

Odysseus' apology (which he gave, in the ancient Greek way) wouldn't amount to anything.

We hear the (heart)beat again as soon as Poseidon tells Odysseus is time to say goodbye but it gets faster as soon as Odysseus enters the sound space and it stops completely on the word "scape".

"Captain, captain, captain"

When does a ripple become a tidal wave?

"When does a man become a monster?

"I am your darkest moment"

"The monster that always draws near"

We actually get Odysseus' acoustic guitar here too. Now, I'm still debating why Jay decided to reprise Just A Man here, especially with the ripple and the tidal wave (obviously, because they are at sea and all that, but I believe there's more to it than that).

If we follow the idea of consequence, it could suggest that this is the ripple effect of Odysseus choosing to spare the Cyclops, but it could also imply more about the Vengence Saga.

And as I said before, is interesting that Poseidon states that he's a monster and I wonder - did he mean it literally or figuratively? And I also wonder, how does Jay mean it? Because the whole concept of the man and the monster - besides reminding me of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and how in said book the allegory presents the duality of human nature, and how the balance between darkness and light is what makes one truly human - makes me believe that we might have an allegory at play here.

If - and that's a huge if - Jay is going for a similar allegory with Odysseus' arc it makes sense that he'd choose two disparate symbols of it (the man and the monster).So share your thoughts on this topic because I'd like to know.

Puppeteer

Full Speed Ahead motif.

There's a debate about whether or not Ody knew Eyrulochus was the one who opened the bag but we can talk about this later.

Circe's motif.

Here - we are once again presented with the theme of hunger - for food and for a woman/ for sex (let's be real) - and the "a woman" line always takes me out. We also get some context into Circe's character - a woman turning men into pigs once she feeds them -.

At first, we aren't clued in on the reason why she's doing. All she says is "think of your past, and your mistakes. They'll be the last mistakes you make".

And we again are presented with someone who has power and seeks to maintain it. This is our first introduction to her - she simply states that she has all the power and that she's not playing with people, but rather manipulating them like a puppeteer does.

She has the strings and she controls the outcome because she can twist and bend people to her will. The closest we get to something deeper is with the line "the world does not tend to forgive".

Wouldn't You Like

Hermes! I love him but there's not to say about this song, except that Hermes tells Odysseus that Circe can make him fall in love with her - so the fact that she tries and fails tells us exactly how much he loves Penelope.

Done For

Odysseus' guitar and motif.

The heart(beat) is very present here.

Here we are presented with more information about Circe's motivation. She states that she has people she needs to protect, nymphs she can't neglect. So in order to maintain control and power over the situation, Circe preemptively strikes before any harm can be done to her or the people she cares about.

Odysseus here tries to trick Circe but she doesn't fall for it. And the thing, Circe and Odysseus' reason isn't different at all - both want to protect the people they care for, but they're going at it in different ways.

She does tell him that the last time they allowed people to live, they faced a heavy loss. We don't know exactly what happened, but once can only assume that it wasn't pretty, so Circe learned from it and decided to use of her art of persuasion to get what she wanted.

There Are Other Ways

Here, Odysseus starts to repeat back what Circe said in her own song, almost as if he's slowly following her lead, until he thinks about Penelope and we hear her motif and her viola.

Here Odysseus vulnerability and the proof of his love for his wife is what convinces Circe to help them. She must've come across countless men before and I think is safe to assume none of them denied her before.

And that's the thing about Circe - when presented with a good reason to help, once she realizes that Odysseus just wants to go home, that he loves his wife so much that even after twelve years (lol) he remains faithful to her, and is desperate to see her, and that's a good enough reason to help him.

Circe already knows who she is, already knows what she's capable of and what she's fighting for.

Odysseus is on the way to figuring that out.

The Underworld

Full Speed Ahead motif.

"All I hear are screams"

The bells we hear are ringing the same notes that we hear in The Horse And The Infant as soon as Odysseus finds Astyanax.

"Captain, captain, captain"

"This life is amazing when you greet with open arms, whatever we face we'll be fine if we lead from the heart... Greet the world with open arms".

"Waiting" with Odysseus' motif on a different scale on the piano.This is the first time Odysseus truly addresses what has happened and what he's gone through.

Here he is, looking for the prophet to help him get home, and yet he's being haunted by the voices of those he lost and their last thoughts before they died. Yes - he's hearing their literal screams as they pass the river Styx, but is more than that. For the first time, he can actually see the consequences of his own choices and his actions.

No Longer You

Tiresias' motif.

"There is a world where I help you get home, but that's not a world I know" - This line here is brilliant, because not only addresses the fact that in the original poem Tiresias does tell Odysseus what to do and what to avoid, but it also further solidifies that this is very different from the original epic.

I see a song of past romance (Siren's song)

I see the sacrifice of men (Scylla's throat)

I see portrayals of betrayal (Mutiny)

And a brother's final stand (Lightning bolt)

I see you on the brink of death

I see you draw your final breath

I see a man who gets to make it home alive but it's no longer you

No Longer You is a great way of setting the stage for the next act, by providing Odysseus with a vague warning about a man who is hunting and a man with a trail of bodies behind it, it allows his mind to wonder and the ponder who that man can be. The interesting thing is - Tiresias is telling that the man that makes it back home is no longer him - as in no longer Odysseus, as in no longer the current Odysseus -.

At that moment Odysseus already has a trail of bodies behind him. Whether or not the deaths in the cave were his fault isn't the argument here, but rather that they happened and happened under his command. But here Odysseus is presented with a future and a past he can't change or can't control.

Monster

Odysseus' guitar motif that gets pulled away.As discussed by my amazing mutual @rin-solo in her Monster essay, Odysseus is non-judgmental by nature.

Monster is Odysseus debating if mercy is not the thing that has been killing his men all along, if him caving to guilt is the reason they're not making it home. He's not justifying the actions of his foes, he's not saying they're morally right in doing what they're doing.

Is the Cyclops struck with guilt when he kills? Is he up in the middle of the night? Or does he end my men to avenge his friend And then sleep knowing he has done him right?

When the witch turns men to pigs to protect her nymphs Is she going insane? Or did she learn to be colder when she got older and now she saves them the pain?

He's simply questioning if these people are allowing themselves to be stopped by guilt or by mercy, he acknowledges their perspective, he acknowledges that them doing the things they way they're doing them is what keeps them alive.

"Ruthleness is mercy upon ourselves"

Here Odysseus addresses those he lost again, and is the first moment where it feels like he's really allowing the grief and the hurt to set in.

I said it before and I'll say it again, Monster doesn't seem to about Odysseus choosing to become a monster because he wants to, but rather because he feels is the only thing he can do under the circumstances. With the context we get from songs that will come, Monster seems to become more and more about Odysseus not wanting to feel guilt about the choices he knows he'll have to make to make it back home.

He wants to throw the guilt he feels away:

"Does a soldier use a wooden horse to kill sleeping Trojans cause he's vile? Or those he throw his remorse away and saves more lives with guile?"

Monster also seems to be Odysseus' way of starting to understand his own morals, of coming to terms with them, of accepting things about himself that he didn't seem willing to do up until this point.And once again, we hear a choir in the background singing the words back to Odysseus.

[thethingything]

I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.

like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.

but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.

the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.

I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.

it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time

[thegempage]

eeeuuuuggghhh i'm gonna bitch in the tags a bit bcus this isn't like. serious enough to put more effort into it than that but i also don't want it to sit in my brain.

[feniverse-unfiltered]

Me tryna piece together the trimax timeline

[running-in-the-dark]

.

[tardis--dreams]

To summarize today's day in university:

- got diagnosed with social phobia by a class mate (bitch?!)

- heard a Very cool lecture/presentation by a guest lecturer

- our lecturer said she kinda liked our idea for our presentation

- had lunch with friends in the uni canteen which was nice but evoked some existential despair

[trans-leek-cookie]

post. Post-posting clarity where you're like "wtf was I talking about". But also post-posting confusion where you're also like "wtf was I talking about" but it's less about your mental state While Posting and more about "okay. I've written many words. I remember. Approximately 20% of them. What the fuck are the rest of these?"

[vitunhienokivi]

.

[solelifauna]

So this NOT to imply the writing is bad

But so far the Batfam fic as me genuinely shaking in anger , the fact that dick is convinced that y/n as to prove herself to be "worthy" genuinely got to me to the point I need a pallete cleanser

Could we please get a small drabble of reader growing close with one of the "outside" batfam members?

Like maybe Kate(batwoman) and Luke (batwing) because they are under used

Or hell, maybe to really grind the family gears, reader gets close to azrael

(you know Bruce would've able to do shit if reader got close with Kate, she would fucking eat him alive)

Hey, You're all good bro! I also just want to put out that my fic is based on an au! The portrayals of any characters in my fic are based off of their canon and fanon counterparts, just with my own twist. Since this is a darker universe/au, the Bats along with other heroes are going to be a lot more brutal and jaded.

Also love your idea bro. But, I'll do you one better. Constantine. Bruce absolutely can't stand him and the reader being friends with/getting along with him? Oh, that's bound to grind Bruce's gears. It would also be easier to meet Constantine too.

Let's just say one day the reader gets caught up in some Justice League Dark stuff that Constantine is trying to solve. She gets kidnapped by a cult that wants to use her as a sacrifice. I mean, she is a pretty huge target, being the daughter of a Billionaire after all. Anyways, shes kidnapped, nobody is coming to get her, not from her family at least. Long story short, Constantine arrives too late to stop the ritual, but things don't go according to plan for the cultists anyway. Turns out that the person sacrificed wouldn't be killed, but would instead become a vessel.

Great, now you have some old, eldrich being living rent-free in your mind. The being is old, donning the title "Keeper of Hell", but you'll just call it (they? him? her?), Adam. Yeah, Adam wasn't too happy with the name. When Constantine arrives, however, hes pleasantly surprised to find you alive. When he realizes that you, a 15-year-old, now carry the presence and power of an eldritch being older than Gotham itself, he groans while lighting up a cigarette. Looks like he'd have to deal with you now.

He checks over you making sure you have no internal and external injuries before explaining your situation. He feels a little sorry for you, but he is in no condition to train you. He asks around to other JL dark members, hoping to see if anyone is willing to help you control your new powers. He sighs again when nobody steps up to the plate, too busy with their own sidekicks and quests.

Reluctantly, he tells you he'd help you figure stuff out. And there begins the blossoming of the amazing "Grumpy old man and kid they didn't ask for" troupe. When you tell Constantine your name, he blanks, because of course he gets stuck with one of the bat's kids. However, based on your tone of voice when discussing your family (and the way you begged him not to let Bruce/Batman know of your predicament), he's guessing things aren't all too great between you all. Well, thats not his problem, his only job was to train you and make sure you don't end up accidentally killing someone.

Yeah...like that thought process is going to last. Training sessions start out bleak and professional, he's only doing a job. Then as time continues, he finds himself enjoying your company, your enthusiasm to learn and your rambunctious/sarcastic comebacks always have him fighting off a smile. It's been a while since he's had company like this. Soon, you're both going out on missions, and then ice cream breaks afterward. He lets you fall asleep on his shoulder, drooling all over his trench coat after particularly difficult missions and he can't bring himself to mind.

He's fond of you, although he never admits it out loud. It's okay though, because even though he's never said it out loud, his actions speak louder than words. You could feel his love and pride for you. Although he wasn't exactly your dad per se, he was still something to you, maybe the wine uncle? You don't know, and you don't particularly care to put a label on what Constantine was to you, you're just glad that he's there.

Shit hits the fan, however, when one day you decide to go on a solo mission. It's nothing crazy, just getting rid of some poltergeists and low-level demons and shades. Now, were you given permission to go on this mission alone? No, but in a normal teenage manner, you decide to go anyway. Everything was fine, you got rid of all the poltergeists in the area and even some of the shades too! It's all going well until you realize that the demon mentioned before was not as weak as you were told. You gulped when its blood red eyes turned to you.

"Well shit." Constantine was going to kill you.

It immediately lunges at you, you barely rolling out of its sharp claws. You hit it with a couple of spells, causing the demon to roar out in pain, burn marks now littering its side. Its tail whips at you, colliding with your stomach as you fly into a wall with a loud thud. You groan as you pick yourself up, clutching your ribs, each breath a jagged pain that ripples through your chest. Your arm is slick with blood, the gashes from the demon's claws burning as if its very essence were trying to sear your flesh. You grit your teeth and weave another spell, calling on Adam’s power to knock the demon back. This time, a burst of raw energy slams into it, shattering its leg with a sickening crack.

For a brief moment, you think it's over, ready to strike the final blow. But the demon’s leg snaps back into place, bone and flesh knitting together as if the injury had never happened.

“Of course,” you mutter under your breath. “Why would this be easy?”

The demon lunges again, and you’re just a split second too slow. Burning pain flares through your right arm as its claws tear into you, ripping through your flesh like paper. You scream, the sound involuntary, but you push through the pain, refusing to go down without a fight.

Drawing back, you unleash another spell, a sharp projectile of energy aimed at its neck. The demon flinches, letting out a low growl. That reaction—panic—gives you the first glimmer of hope. Its neck. That's its weak spot.

With renewed determination, you gather every ounce of strength you have left. The cuts across your body throb, and your arm feels like it’s on fire, but you push it all aside. You can do this. You have to do this.

You unleash a volley of cutting spells, each one aimed at the demon’s throat. It fights back viciously, throwing you around the room with a strength that makes your vision blur. Every hit you take feels like your bones are splintering, but you keep going. You keep attacking.

Finally, one of your spells strikes true.

The demon lets out a gurgling screech as your spell cuts deep into its neck. Blood—thick and dark—pours from the wound, and it claws at its own throat, choking. Its body spasms violently, and then, as if collapsing in on itself, it begins to disintegrate. In a few seconds, all that’s left is dust.

You stand there, panting, barely able to process the fact that you did it. You won. A grin spreads across your face, and despite the pain radiating from every part of your body, you let out a weak cheer.

But the celebration is short-lived.

Pain cuts through you like a knife, sharp and sudden, reminding you of just how battered you are. Blood is still oozing from the various gashes across your body, and your arm feels like it’s hanging by a thread. You stumble, nearly falling, but catch yourself at the last second.

“Crap… I’m bleeding out,” you mumble, wincing. “Whoops.”

With what little energy you have left, you remember the spell Constantine taught you, the one that would tether you to him no matter where you were. He warned you not to use it unless it was an emergency—and bleeding out from demon-inflicted wounds definitely qualifies.

You lift your shaking hand and cast the spell, a sluggish flick of your wrist sending out a ripple of energy. A portal forms, shimmering and unstable, but functional enough. Without much grace, you stumble through it, disappearing from the demon’s lair.

What you didn’t know, however, was that Constantine was currently in a Justice League meeting.

The first thing you feel is a sudden drop, like the ground beneath you has vanished. You barely register the sensation of falling before you crash, hard, onto something solid. Groaning, you blink through the haze of pain and find yourself sprawled across a massive table.

You can hear voices—muffled, alarmed—but the world is spinning too much for you to focus. All you know is that you're lying on something cold and hard, and you’re absolutely drenched in blood.

Forcing your eyes open, you see several figures standing around you, staring in shock. Your vision is blurry, but you can make out Superman’s cape and Wonder Woman’s armor. You try to process what's happening, but the pain in your arm and ribs keeps pulling you under.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow. Fuckkkk." You cry out.

Suddenly, the scent of smoke fills the air. You don't even have to look to know who it is. Constantine’s familiar trench coat brushes against your arm as he crouches beside you, cigarette dangling loosely from his lips. His eyes flicker with a dangerous mix of exasperation and barely concealed anger.

“What in the bloody fuck, kid?” he snaps, his tone harsher than usual, but the concern underlies his words.

You wince, the situation hitting you all at once. Crap. Now I've got to deal with this.

You muster a weak, sheepish grin, wincing as you turn your head to face him. “Heyyy Constantine, how are ya?”

His brow furrows deeper, and he’s clearly not amused. “What did you do?”

You swallow hard, trying to think of how to explain yourself without getting ripped to shreds—verbally or otherwise. “I—well, promise you won’t get mad?”

“Too late for that, kid. I’m already halfway there,” he growls, his eyes narrowing as he looks over your wounds. “Now get to it.”

You bite your lip, trying to find the least disastrous way to explain. “So… I sorta… mighta… gone on a solo demon-hunting mission,” you blurt out quickly, hoping he’d just move past it.

The way Constantine’s eyes widen, and the immediate twitch in his jaw tell you that he’s definitely not going to move past it.

“You did what?!” His voice rises as he stands up, rubbing a hand over his face. “Oh bloody— I thought I specifically told you not to go by yourself! And this is what happens!”

“Hey, well, I’m alive, aren’t I?” you say, grinning nervously, trying to play it off.

“That’s besides the point!” He throws his arms up, pacing as he takes a long drag from his cigarette. “Bloody hell, I should’ve known better with you kids. I swear, this is why I never—”

Just then, a dark, grim voice cuts through the chaos, and your heart nearly stops.

“Constantine,” Batman’s tone is low, authoritative. “Why is my daughter bleeding on our table?”

Oh no. No, no, no. Not now.

You freeze, your mind going blank as you feel the weight of Batman’s presence at the end of the table. You slowly, painfully turn your head to see him standing there, cape draped over his shoulders, his gaze icy and locked onto you. His usual stoic expression somehow looks even more intense.

“Ah… shit,” you mutter under your breath, groaning inwardly as you realize you’ve just landed yourself in the absolute worst situation imaginable. “I completely forgot he was still here.” Wait, did you say that out loud?

Constantine gives you a sidelong glance, raising an eyebrow. “Yes, kid, you did. And now we’ve got more than just your wounds to worry about, don’t we?” He sighs deeply, rubbing his temples, already anticipating the fallout.

Batman’s eyes narrow, arms crossed as he takes a step closer to you, his voice low and dangerous. “Care to explain yourself?”

You’re still bleeding, your head is pounding, and you’re pretty sure at least a few bones are broken, but none of that compares to the fear creeping up your spine as you look up at your father. Your mind races for an answer, but every excuse you can think of feels flimsy at best.

Constantine clears his throat, sensing the rising tension in the room. “Right. Let’s get her fixed up before this turns into an interrogation, yeah? Kid’s bleeding all over the place, and she’s already taken a beating. We’ll save the lecture for later.” He waves his hand, muttering something under his breath as he kneels beside you again.

The tension between Constantine and Batman lingers in the air, thick and heavy, but Batman finally relents. His eyes soften—slightly—as he watches Constantine work to stabilize your injuries with magic.

You can feel yourself growing weaker, the adrenaline finally wearing off as the pain becomes unbearable. Constantine mutters a healing spell, one that slows the bleeding and knits some of the less serious cuts together. It's not perfect, but it’s enough for now.

“I think it’s time to get you all fixed up, huh?” Constantine says softly, his earlier anger tempered by concern as he helps you sit up, his hand firm on your back to support you.

You nod weakly, not daring to meet Batman’s eyes again. You’re in deep trouble, but for now, at least, you’re still breathing. As Constantine gets ready to teleport you to a safer place to heal, you hear Batman’s voice, calm but steely.

“We’re not done here.”

And with that ominous promise hanging in the air, Constantine picks you up, and the world around you shifts once again.

Constantine gently carries you through the halls toward the Justice League’s med bay, muttering curses under his breath with every step. You could feel his frustration radiating off him, and now, in the quiet aftermath of the fight, guilt begins to settle in your chest. The adrenaline from the battle has worn off, and now you're left with the consequences of your reckless actions.

“Hey, Constantine… I—I’m sorry for not listening to you. I really am,” you say, your voice soft and heavy with regret.

He sighs, not looking at you, but his tone is stern. “I’m not going to lie and say I’m not mad at you, kid. You didn’t just ignore my warnings—you put yourself in danger. There are rules for a reason. What if you got seriously hurt and couldn’t cast a spell back to me? Even worse, what if you died or got possessed?”

His words hit you hard, and you wither under the weight of them. You know he’s right. All those rules and restrictions aren’t just him being overprotective or controlling, they’re because he cares. He’s seen the kind of darkness that can swallow people whole, and the thought of that happening to you terrifies him, even if he’ll never say it out loud.

By the time you reach the med bay, the guilt feels like it’s pressing down on you as much as the pain in your ribs. Constantine lowers you onto a cot, tucking you in with a gruff gentleness that only he could pull off. He sits down on the side of the bed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with a quick flick of his fingers, his eyes never leaving yours.

“What I’m trying to say, kid,” he starts, exhaling a cloud of smoke, “is that I care. I care about you, I care about what happens to you. I don’t want—” He pauses, his voice softening. “I don’t want to ever have to find your body one day. So please, from now on, let me know before you do something stupid like this.”

His words hang in the air, raw and unfiltered. You nod, trying to process it all, and then something clicks in your mind. Wait… did he just say let him know?

“Let you know? Does this mean—” Your eyes widen as realization hits you. “Does this mean I can go on solo missions?”

Constantine lets out a resigned sigh. “Yes, yes, you can start going on solo missions—”

“Hell yeah!” you exclaim, sitting up a little too quickly. Pain shoots through your ribs, but you can’t help the excitement bubbling inside you.

“—but, only the ones I sanction and authorize,” Constantine finishes, cutting through your excitement with a stern look. You deflate a little at his words, but it’s still a victory in your book.

Without thinking, you throw your arms around him, ignoring the sharp pain it causes in your ribs. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise I won’t let you down!”

He chuckles, patting your back awkwardly before pulling away. “Yeah, yeah, I know you won’t. Now, lay back down and get some rest. You still have dark and brooding to deal with.” He gestures toward the direction of the meeting room, clearly dreading the inevitable confrontation with Batman. “And by extension, I do too,” he adds with a heavy sigh.

You groan, sinking back into the cot, the exhaustion finally catching up with you. “I don’t know why he even cares. If he did, he would’ve figured this out ages ago.”

Constantine glances at you, his expression softening for a moment. He takes a long drag of his cigarette before speaking. “He cares, kid. He just… doesn’t always show it the way you want him to. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.”

You scoff, though part of you knows he’s right. “Yeah, well, doesn’t feel like it.”

Constantine stands, taking one last drag of his cigarette before flicking it into a nearby ashtray. “Doesn’t matter how it feels right now. The Bat’s going to want answers, and if I know him, he’s going to want to have a very long talk with you. You’re not out of the woods yet.”

You wince at the thought of the upcoming conversation, knowing that Batman’s interrogation will be thorough and far less forgiving than Constantine’s.

“Great,” you mutter, closing your eyes and sinking deeper into the cot. “Just what I need.”

Constantine gives you a small, almost affectionate smile before turning to leave. “Get some rest, kid. You’ve earned it. I’ll deal with the big bad Bat for now.”

And with that, he walks out, leaving you alone in the med bay. As much as you’re dreading what’s to come, you can’t help but feel a sense of relief. Despite the pain and the mistakes you made, you know that Constantine’s got your back. And, maybe, just maybe, Batman does too, even if it’s buried under a mountain of brooding and silence.

For now, though, you let the exhaustion pull you under, trusting that everything else can wait until tomorrow.

-

As you rest, your body finally succumbing to the exhaustion, your breathing evens out and your mind drifts into sleep. The med bay is quiet, sterile, but the tension in the air lingers, waiting for the inevitable. Eventually, a dark, caped figure glides into the room silently, his form casting long shadows across the walls.

Batman—no, Bruce—stands over you, his sharp eyes tracing every bruise, every cut that mars your face. His jaw clenches as a million thoughts swirl in his head, none of them offering any comfort.

What the hell happened to you? Why are you and Constantine so close? How did you even know Constantine? How much had he missed—how little attention had he been paying—to not notice any of this?

Bruce sighs, a deep and frustrated sound. He removes his cowl, setting it on the side table with a weary hand. Without it, he seems less intimidating, less imposing. He stares down at you, seeing the cuts and bruises marking your skin, but what hits him harder is the way your face, in sleep, is still so achingly young. You're his daughter, and yet it feels like you're a stranger to him now.

How did you get so far away?

He knows the answer. The fault lies with him, with the choices he made, the excuses he repeated to himself—telling himself he was too busy, telling himself he would check in later. Later never came, though, and the space between you widened, until it wasn't just him you were drifting away from, but your brothers too.

Bruce noticed the way your brothers treated you, the harsh words, the cold shoulders. He saw the distance, but he justified it, telling himself it was sibling rivalry or something that would pass. He didn't step in. And now, as he looks at you lying there, bruised and battered from a fight he wasn’t even aware of, the reality sinks in: he has no excuse.

With a heavy sigh, Bruce reaches out, his rough but careful hand carding gently through your hair. The gesture is tender, hesitant, as if he's not sure whether he has the right to touch you like this anymore. But as his fingers comb through your hair, you stir in your sleep, a quiet murmur escaping your lips as you unconsciously lean into his touch. It's such a sweet, innocent moment, and for a brief second, Bruce allows himself to feel the warmth of it.

But the moment is fleeting.

He feels the presence before he sees it, the unmistakable smell of cigarette smoke filling the room. His jaw tightens as his hand stills. He doesn’t turn right away, but his voice cuts through the silence.

“Constantine,” Bruce says, his tone gruff even without the cowl to disguise it.

Constantine steps into the room more fully, leaning against the wall, a half-smoked cigarette between his lips. He regards Bruce with that same nonchalance he carries everywhere, though there's a flicker of something else in his eyes—something more cautious.

"Thought you’d still be brooding over in the corner," Constantine says, taking a drag of his cigarette. His eyes drift to you, lying peacefully on the cot. “Didn’t expect to see this version of you.”

Bruce doesn’t respond right away. He pulls his hand back from your hair, his gaze hardening. "What happened?" The question is direct, but underneath it, Constantine can hear the concern, the frustration Bruce doesn't voice aloud.

"She went off on her own," Constantine mutters, taking another drag before blowing out a cloud of smoke. "Went after a demon. Got roughed up pretty bad, but she handled it in the end. Strong kid. Stubborn too. Wonder where she gets that from, eh?"

Bruce's eyes narrow. "And you let her?"

"Let her?" Constantine laughs, a short, sharp sound. "Mate, I didn’t let her. She went behind my back, just like she’s gone behind yours for who knows how long. Difference is, I’m the one she actually came back to.”

That lands like a punch to Bruce's gut. He doesn’t react visibly, but Constantine can see the tension in his posture.

"I didn't know she was…" Bruce starts, then stops, shaking his head. The words feel inadequate. "I didn't know she was involved with this stuff, i didn't even know she was a meta. Or that she knew you."

"Yeah, well, she found her way to me," Constantine says with a shrug, stubbing out his cigarette on the wall. “And she's not a meta by the way, she's a vessel for some eldritch being"

A vague expression of surprise appears on Bruce's face.

"I don't blame you, mate. I was surprised to find her alive afterwards. Not just anyone survives that kind of transformation, she's strong.”

Bruce crosses his arms, his gaze flickering between you and Constantine. “I know she’s strong.”

“Do you?” Constantine raises an eyebrow, the challenge clear in his tone. “Because she’s been running herself ragged trying to prove it. To you. To herself. And, hell, maybe to me too, but at least I see it.”

There’s silence for a moment. Bruce clenches his jaw, turning to look at you again, sleeping soundly despite the tension in the room. He knew Constantine was right. You'd been pushing yourself, fighting to show that you didn’t need them—that you were strong enough on your own. And he had let you. He'd let you because he didn't even care to notice.

Constantine sighs, sensing the weight of the silence. “Look, I didn’t come here to throw stones. But you’ve got to get your shit together with her. She’s tough, but she’s still a kid, and she’s your kid. She needs you.”

Bruce doesn’t answer, but his silence speaks volumes. He watches you, the soft rise and fall of your chest, and feels the regret gnawing at him.

“I’ll handle it,” Bruce finally says, though the words feel hollow.

Constantine gives him a long look, then nods. “You better. Because if you don’t, she’ll be right back with me..”

With that, Constantine pushes off the wall, flicking away the last of his cigarette. “I’ll check in on her later. Try not to fuck this up, mate.” And with one last glance at you, Constantine leaves, the tension in the room ebbing with him.

Bruce remains, standing over you, his mind a whirlwind of regret, guilt, and the desire to fix what’s been broken for far too long. He leans down, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead—something he hasn’t done in what feels like years—before stepping back, pulling the chair beside your bed to sit vigil over you.

He’s still not sure how to bridge the gap, but for now, he stays. It’s a start.

Well, thats all folks! I really enjoyed writing this au, so thanks for the idea! Maybe ill even make a pt. 2 to this? Who knows? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.

[kajibunny]

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ we're just friends! (or are we?) w/ the wind breaker boys ✧⋆⭒˚｡

✿ featuring: hajime umemiya, jo togame, haruka sakura, hayato suo, ren kaji ✿ fluff, mutual pining, hidden feelings (aaaa), suggestive for suo, a lil angst (with comfort) for kaji ✿ a/n: i guess by now everyone can tell that i’m very into the friends to lovers trope ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა~♡ it’s def my fav!!! and these wb bois are all perfect friend material, and ofc boyfriend material too! enjoy, cuties! ✿ wc: 2.3k

— you have a closely intimate friendship to the point that everyone around you thinks you two are dating, though you know you're not lovers (yet), but are definitely more than just friends.

ʚɞ umemiya 

— sharing hello and goodbye kisses with each other.

ꕤ you and umemiya are the definition of 'affectionate', as your love languages both consist of physical touch. but maybe with each other, a little bit too much for just friends.

ꕤ the word "boundaries" did not exist to the both of you once you were within arm's reach of each other. you and umemiya give each other hello and goodbye hugs, sometimes cheek and forehead kisses, as a greeting, right? to be friendly. though he doesn't seem to do that as often to other people, or at all, even. just to you. only to you. 

ꕤ he also loves cuddling up to you whenever he takes a nap on the rooftop, inviting you to join him in picking out some veggies that you two could make a meal together with.

ꕤ while you two were cooking together, you definitely gave off a 'married couple' vibe with the way you held the ladle up for umemiya to taste, the way he had pressed his palm to your back whenever he needed to pass through, the way he fed you with his own spoon and giggling while complimenting how delicious your cooking was, the way he wrapped his arms around you and hummed while he helped you wash the dishes. anyone who saw would have immediately bid their congratulations and would think you two are newlyweds.

ꕤ hiragi took one look at the both of you appearing all lovey-dovey, and the confusion of whether you two were dating or not made his stomach scrunch up in pain. 

ꕤ umemiya calls you such adorable names when referring to you in conversation, too. his tiny bean, his ray of sunshine, his cherry blossom, it was always "his", as if you belonged to him. he was openly affectionate with you and was not afraid to show it.

ꕤ many guys also took a liking to you, but never attempted to even make a move or confess, because they were already under the assumption that you were umemiya's, seeing you two playing with each other's fingers and comparing hand sizes like you were made for each other. but how could that be, you and umemiya were just friends, weren't you?

ʚɞ suo 

— you get a special seat (on his lap).

ꕤ suo just can't seem to keep his eyes and his hands off of you. you always have to be within his vicinity, or he's not sure how he'll be able to stand it. 

ꕤ he sees you at the corner of his eye, after you have made your way back from the restroom. you and the other bofurin first years were at an izakaya, and the moment you returned, all of their eyes were glued to you and suo, as if they already knew something was going to ensue. you two have been friends for a long time, but the way you acted towards each other felt like you two have been lovers for a long time.

ꕤ suo was always up in your space, whether its pulling random pranks on you, inviting you to go out then paying for everything even though you tried to stop him (nothing can stop suo), visiting your home and leaving an endless supply of tea enough to last you a whole year - his excuse being it's there for whenever he comes over, and multiple instances which all prove that suo was no doubt a very clingy friend. not that you minded, anyway. you were used to suo and his antics.

ꕤ he had his ways of persuading you too (he is the master of negotiation, after all), and you just couldn't resist him, as you loved being around suo just as much. 

ꕤ this time, he took advantage of your short absence and made himself comfortable in your chair, and wouldn't even move an inch. "hayato, that's my seat!" you exclaimed. "hm?" suo tilts his head. "you can just sit on my lap, then." he smiles, with that damn mischievous smile you know all too well. you tried to get him to move by gently pushing him back and forth but suo seemed to not have a care in the world. 

ꕤ you can't tell whether suo is serious or joking sometimes, but nirei and sakura seems to have their doubts that you two are "just friends" as you both claim.  "are you sure the two of you aren't dating?" nirei asks you. sakura blushes and lets you know his thoughts, too. "y-yeah...! you two are unusually close!" you always reply to them with an astounding "no!" but suo just laughs and does not affirm nor deny any of their claims. 

ꕤ suo pulls you in close, making you sit on his lap regardless of your little outburst, and you weren't sure if it was hot in the izakaya, or if it's just you, but you certainly felt warmth overcome your body while it was pressed flush against his, his arms wrapped around your waist nonchalantly. "hayato!" you protested, trying to squirm your way out of his grasp, and pushing away all intrusive thoughts about his and your bottom halves being so close together, only separated by thin pieces of clothing.

ꕤ nirei, the most observant of the bunch (next to suo), points out that you even call suo by his first name, and that's another one of the reasons why you two seem like you're dating. 

ꕤ with suo, everything seems to be a mystery. but in suo's perspective, it's all clear. he loves you, whether it's as a friend or as a lover, that's for him to know and for you to find out. 

ʚɞ togame 

— leaves everyone on read except you.

ꕤ togame just doesn't understand why people need to type out what they want to say, aren't calls more personalized? he didn't understand at all, until he met you.

ꕤ you were, to put it directly, a chatterbox in all forms. you loved to talk, regardless if it's chats, calls, or in person, you just yapped your heart out to him everytime, and he lives for it. he wouldn't miss a second of you opening your mouth and giving him a taste of your innermost thoughts. he absolutely adored talking to you, because it was you, and you were special to him.

ꕤ the shishitoren guys thought it was so funny and adorable whenever togame picks up his phone so quickly because he thought it was you calling, then scowls when he realizes it isn't, and immediately silences it and shoves it back in his pocket. this caused him to set a different ringtone just for you, so he could pick up on the very first ring.

ꕤ you were also the first reply he ever sent via sms, a simple "ok" to your long message talking about how you thought it was amazing that he won the town's annual eating contest for many consecutive years in a row and that you were totally ready to challenge him next year by stuffing your face with okonomiyaki and invited togame to join you and have some with you so you could keep an eye on the competition. he found your personality totally amusing, his face immediately lighting up with a gentle smile whenever you sent him messages.

ꕤ anyone who sees how happy he is while he rereads your texts over and over would interpret that as togame being totally, irrevocably, head over heels in love with you.

ꕤ he doesn't actually reply to anyone at all ever, but he wanted to share all his firsts with you, he just couldn't help it. you were captivating, witty in your words, and very very charismatic, bombarding him with the cutest and funniest messages everyday. of course, he doesn't mind at all and is always looking forward to them.

ꕤ you two stay on calls for longer than eight hours at a time talking about how each other's day went, and yet you wonder why people always think you two are dating. normal friends don't stay up until the break of dawn chattering for hours on end, expressing all the things they like about each other, do they? at least togame knows he wouldn't do it with anyone that wasn't you, as he valued his precious sleep time dearly, but as time went on, you became more precious and more dear to him than his sleep time ever could.

ʚɞ kaji 

— play fighting like an old married couple.

ꕤ kaji is the type to never go down without a fight. needless to say, that also applies to you. but your fights with him were different, more banter adjacent, more affectionate and playful. only lasting for a few minutes.

ꕤ kaji had a huge soft spot for you, as even though you did irritate the heck out of him sometimes, somehow he still could not stay angry or annoyed at you for more than one second. he just couldn't resist the way you crossed your arms and huffed with your cute little frown. he thought you were the most adorable angry little thing he's ever seen and wanted to pinch your cheeks out of cuteness aggression and frustration, but he would never say it to your face.

ꕤ one time, you two had a heated argument because he said he could hear you just fine but wouldn't bother to take off his headphones. you argued that it was impolite and that you won't talk to him at all anymore if he does that again, and you two were at each other's throats, giving one another a piece of your mind, until kaji mutters a 'sorry', and you began to sob uncontrollably and let him hold you in his arms while he stroked your hair to comfort you because you two couldn't stand the intensity and tension of being angry at each other for long.

ꕤ you had your less serious fights too, like when you made him a bento box for lunch and you two had a picnic together with his vice captains. you fed him the food with your chopsticks, kaji teasing you by saying "it's bland." and you reasoning out that kaji was 'as salty as his tastebuds'. kaji then asked you if you wanted to have 'a taste of his fists', which ended up with kusumi and enomoto snickering in the background wishing that the both of you would just date each other already.

ꕤ whenever you two argued, your faces were so close to one another's that you were just a few centimeters shy from kissing, the tip of your noses touching. kaji had to hold himself back, a lot. like an insane amount. friends didn't want to kiss and make out with their friends, right? but kaji did. and you did too.

ꕤ his way of apologizing is by suddenly leaving a lollipop with you. he puts them in your bag, or places them in your pocket while you weren't looking. it was his little peace offering, one that you treasured and collected, accumulating dozens of them by your bedside table. kaji would gladly give up his last lollipop for you, and no one could argue otherwise.

ʚɞ sakura 

— blushing wildly whenever you two are around each other.

ꕤ you and sakura always looked like you two were having a blushing competition. the littlest touches and the most minimal contact had both of your cheeks heating up in response.

ꕤ it was like sakura's blushing was contagious. ever since you two became good friends (if you could call it that, though it seemed to be more than that at times), being around him triggered a whole bunch of embarrassing and hilarious but sweet situations.

ꕤ you once dragged sakura off to his very first cherry blossom viewing in the park, and needless to say, with both of you being a chaotic (but cute) duo, it kind of felt like you were on a wild rollercoaster ride with him. 

ꕤ you took a stolen photo of sakura while he was mesmerized by the falling pink petals. you thought he looked adorable, but sakura thought otherwise. he was a blushing mess and told you to delete them, but you said they were cute and that you were going to make it your wallpaper. 

ꕤ sakura chased after you, and tripped over a stray cherry blossom branch, leaving you two in quite a suggestive position, sakura on top of you, pinning your wrist down with his hand. your cheeks were as pink as the cherry blossoms, and tried as you might, you couldn't keep your eyes off his lips. friends don't observe their friends with wanting eyes, do they? 

ꕤ suo and nirei instantly noticed how huge of a klutz you were around sakura. they also noticed how curious sakura was about you, always (not so subtly) asking nirei how much he knew about you, or your likes and dislikes, then asked him not to tell you that he asked about you. but suo told you instead, because they were your biggest supporters and cheerleaders (and biggest shippers, of course) after all. 

ꕤ on sakura's birthday, they made you hold the cake and surprise him, which was a huge mistake, because before it could even reach him, you slipped and fell over him. luckily, sakura had good reflexes and was able to catch you before you completely toppled over. some of the smushed cake ended up on his and your face, which you tried to wipe off as you apologized, but sakura dipped his finger onto the icing that got on your cheek and licked his finger. "t-the cake's not bad, i guess..." he looked away from your smiling face as you greeted him happy birthday in a sing-song tune.

ꕤ suo, being a menace, greeted sakura happy birthday as well as gave him a 'best wishes to the happy couple' greeting card, that sakura threw back at him like it had a virus on it. 

ꕤ sakura definitely had a memorable birthday that year, but now that he thought about it, all of his memories that were memorable to him had one thing in common: you were in all of them. you, the greatest gift he could ever ask for on any and every occasion. 

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