#and also revise my novels

[hualianisms]

finally got a copy of the revised tgcf novels and skimmed book 4 and the fenglian breakup hurts so much more in the revised version... fx's whole line about "i really don't know, then why have i followed you all this time" is removed. instead what happens is, right after xl says "no, it was the past me who was crazy", xl directly tells fx to leave:

XL: "You should go." FX: "What?" XL: "I said, I don't need you anymore, you should go."

all the other parts of the scene are the same. these revised lines, though, are so painful... it also makes it obvious that fx did not abandon xl, he only left bc xl literally dismissed him as a servant and directly told him to leave 😭 fx doesn't even have that line questioning why he followed xl anymore.

[princesskealie]

taking my mom to the doctor again tomorrow~ please send any good vibes/prayers/thoughts her way that all goes smoothly! 🙏🙏

[illumiru]

People on twitter and tiktok once again on tgcf manhua because “hua cheng is canonically a beanpole and xie lian a buff Dorito”

they're allowed to not like the depiction if they want but it's so funny when tgcftwt and tgcf tiktok claim to tout canon when they happily ignore it for headcanons because that's what it is at most, a headcanon. you're not superior for liking one over the other.

hua cheng at most is described as slender but he's not canonically lanky. there is also a suggestion that he is built in some way when he's described as being hard from top to bottom. so, like, the basic ideal male build that you commonly see in a lot of CN media where it's not too much or too little of anything.

as for xie lian, there's nothing to suggest that xie lian is buff or not within the canon novel. you're pretty much free to speculate but i do think it leans more on him being lean or having the same build as hc. you have to keep in mind the genre of media that he's in and what are chinese aesthetics when it comes to BL.

maybe xie lian does have some muscles in some way, he's probably lean and androgynous enough that he's able to convincingly crossdress as a woman.

canonically, he has a small enough waist to fit into a woman's bridal clothes but his shoulders are wider than a petite woman because he still has a figure of a man. sqx also forgot that he was also a martial god until he saw xie lian fight with a sword. he's been described as being a little skinny by female ghosts.

and a buff bodybuilder didn't believe that someone who looks tender and delicate like xie lian would be able to compete with him. so canonically to me, xie lian does not outwardly look to be physically overly muscular in any way and passes off as lean or skinny.

that's the extent of it. i know a lot of stans act holier-than-thou about skinny/twink depictions of xie lian and act like it's an invention of the manhua artist but it's funny how that they never confront the fact that he's never ever been depicted as being buff in any derivative of the novel, even the official illustrations from pinsin do not depict him as such. it's not exclusive to the manhua.

we can even see from the design of LQQ in the donghua - he's a martial god but he looks incredibly young and probably the most twig-like in the cast. it really shows that in both adaptations - being a martial god does not automatically correlate to being actually buff within the xianxia genre.

[ghostlycod]

“I have this scene in my head for my fic that I really love but i don’t feel like writing all of the other stuff to get to it.”

I see this comment like 5 times a day in fic writing spaces lol

a scene that you don’t want to write is a scene you don’t want to read. don’t write stuff you don’t want to read.

me, personally: wait until the scenes that get you to that first initial scene you were excited about are just as interesting as that scene too. it won’t be the first, second, or third thing you think of. if u have a scene you really want to write, write that, and keep writing only those exciting scenes that come to you. eventually you have a million interesting scenes for your fic and they become puzzle pieces for you to arrange and then eventually the strings come together and you realize you really do have an interesting way to get to that original scene, and you’re just as excited to write it, if you haven’t already written it when you were brainstorming other scenes earlier in the writing process that you didn’t even realize could carry your story like that.

[curiosity-killed]

writing patterns tag game

tagged by @veliseraptor which makes this a little funny for me bc it's like 'wow one of my favorite writers has influenced how i write. shocking!!' anyway this is also cheating a little bc I didn't want to just do all the one-shots from 'in the orchid hour'

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 posted fics and see if there’s a pattern.

Hua Cheng whines a little, already breathless. (Cinnamon and cloves)

“I’m going to say it,” Zizhen says abruptly. (a truth universal)

Her brother was easy to love and difficult to know. (non nobis nati)

The first thing Amelia learns after her life ends is that it is very clear when her husband is in the room and when it’s the angel wearing his body. (where you go (i will go))

The first time he meets Crimson Rain Sought Flower, Mu Qing barely makes it out alive. (til my feet are memory)

Wen Qing has never liked Lan Wangji. (sixteen stitches)

When he was a child, Xie Lian knew every gentle touch a mother or friend could offer. (for saints have hands)

All silk begins with death. (mori)

When he drives the dowel into his master’s heart, Lang Qianqiu does not remove Fangxin’s mask. (wolf trees)

He did not come back to her all at once. (this, this)

...yeah I basically tend to either start in the middle of Things Happening or with like...a central idea, I guess? I like to keep first lines relatively short and to the point and ideally have some irony in them + some establishment of The Sitch. I tend not to stew over first lines as much as I do last lines but that's partially because usually they've been percolating in the back of my mind for a few hours/days while the fic concept (and words) slowly coalesce so. ????

[mewgatori]

I finally bit the bullet and am starting copying Purple Pond's draft from the OG doc to an actual book formatting program

[saintmouthed]

(emerging from a revision cave with a black eye and covered in blood) you should see the other guy

[macbcth]

.

[beaft]

this can be true - there's no shortage of wonderful works of fiction that play around with genre - but you have to know what you're doing first. confident, deliberate mashups are one thing, confused "i don't really know what story i'm trying to tell" mashups are another.

maybe i'm being overcautious. but for context, i've spent two years sitting on an unpublished novel that took me a decade to write. one of the primary reasons i've been given for its slew of rejections is that it's not marketable enough, and one of the reasons it's not marketable enough is because it doesn't slot comfortably into any one genre or age category. this might be a symptom of the fact that i began writing it as a teenager and finished it as an adult; it might be because i took a very "kitchen sink" approach to writing it, throwing in everything that fifteen-year-old me loved in fantasy fiction. regardless of the reason, agents didn't like it. i don't want to make that same mistake the second time around.

i've actually been thinking a lot lately about fruiting bodies (superficially completed novel about parasitic fungi, currently in its larval form, awaiting metamorphosis), and i think the main issue i've had with re-drafting it is that it's part "literary" fiction, part "new weird" in the vein of annihilation, and part ludicrously over-the-top pulp horror. i'm all for genre-mashing, but i think i need to pick one if anyone but me is ever going to read it.

[asterdeer]

flopping back and forth between publishing one story or other on royal road (legitimate, easy to use, not embarrassing, also very intimidating, i am terrified of taking up space in a Legitimate Arena) OR wattpad (humiliating, i do not value myself but even i think i'm above that, but also much less stressful because i know i'll probably be in the top 10% of writers by virtue of not being 16)

[kumzorg]

put your paws in the air wave them like you just dont care

(oc description below)

her name is Sohfa (was written like Sofa before but revised for better pronounciation), and her whole deal was that i wanted to make a trans woman oc, but i had no clue what trans women are like besides being hot and provocative (year 2020, i was young and confused about a lot of things regarding gender), and she didnt have any personality other than looking tired all the time, until i grew up and realised this is the stupidest fucking character design, i came to realisation about lotta things, such as heteronormativity and body positivity, so after coming to terms with my own problems, i developed her further to be a representations of the things that i love and respect, such as feeling comfortable in your own body and dealing with adversities while still having hope for the future

also something something she was initially for a furry visual novel concept (not as a romantic option, shes lesbian and the mc was gonna be a gay man) , but i like to mostly draw my ocs hanging around and doing stuff instead of writing out plot, so that idea is scrapped for now (...but for how long?... >:3)

just as i grow and develop as a person, so do the silly goobers that i make up in my mind

(also shes a frigging nerd, likes to watch old avgn and plays old pc games like a neeeeeerd)

[capricorn-0mnikorn]

I have ~Thoughts~ on the Harry Potter Phenomenon that was

(Courtesy of memories prompted by this Tumblr Poll)

Back when I was a senior in college (back in the mid-to-late 1980s), I actually wrote a fantasy novel for kids aged ~8 - ~11 (in a self-designed course for a single credit, under the guidance of my Literature advisor), inspired by a series of dreams and recurring characters that showed up in them.

My advisor encouraged me to try and get it published. And so, I arranged with teachers from my old school to have a class of 30 or so 10 year-olds beta read it, and give me feedback for revisions. The kids also encouraged me to try and publish it.

So I did.

Now, back then, there was no "Self Publishing." The closest thing was "Vanity Publishing," where you would pay 100% of the publishing cost of your book, which would be printed in hard copy, for the benefit of having 500 -1,000 books shipped to your personal address, which you were then responsible for storing and selling out of the trunk of your car in a parking lot, somewhere. And if word got out that you were trying to claim credit for being a "published author" because of a Vanity Press book, actual publishers wouldn't touch you with a 40-foot pole.

If you wanted to get published, you had to buy that year's copy of Writer's Market: a listing of magazine and book publishers, and agents, with a brief description of what material they published, and what they wouldn't touch.

Guess what genre no agent or publisher was interested in handling?

That's right, Gentle Readers: Fantasy for children aged 8 - 11. I would have happily sent out a dozen queries for each story I wrote, if there were publishers and agents willing to look at them. But for three to four years of trying, in directories of two-columns of tiny print, and several [hundred]* pages long, I'd be lucky to find two or three outlets even willing to look at fantasy for kids.

The general consensus, across the publishing business, was that fantasy was a dead and obsolete genre. If it was for kids old enough to read chapter books and novels, it must also be firmly grounded in realism and actual history, because everyone knows the only people buying books for kids that age were teachers, who wanted stories with practical applications in the classroom.

***

After 3 - 4 years of trying, while I was in grad school, I finally got a rejection from the one agent who agreed to read my novel. A few days later, I received news that my mother had died from the breast cancer she'd been fighting, and my heart just went out of the project altogether.

A few years later, the first Harry Potter book was published. And it became a worldwide phenomenon. And it was the kids, themselves, who were driving the sales.

See, I think the real reason the books were such a success, even though they were never really very well written, was because they were in a genre the audience was hungry for -- a genre they'd been denied access to for all of their young lives.

Someone who is starving will think even moldy bread is delicious.

*Gosh, what a word to leave out via typo; the Writers Market rivaled the Manhattan Yellow Pages in length.

[dice-wizard]

Okay writers listen up

I'm gonna tell you about how I wrangled my shitbird brain into being a terrifying word-churning engine and have written over 170K words in under a year.

I wanna be clear that before unlocking this Secret Technique I was a victim of my unmedicated ADHD, able to start but never finish, able to ideate but not commit and I truly and firmly believed that I'd never write a novel and such a thing was simply outside of my reach.

Now I write (and read!!) every day. Every. Single. Day. Like some kind of scriptorial One Punch Man.

Step the First

Remove friction between yourself and writing.

I personally figured out how to comfortably write on my phone which meant I didn't have to struggle with the insurmountable task of opening my laptop.

I don't care if this means you write in a Discord server you set up for yourself, but fucking do it. Literally whatever makes you write!

(if you do write somewhere that isn't a word processor PLEASE back your work up regularly!)

Step the Second

Make that shit a habit. Write every day.

For me, I allow myself the grace that ANY progress on writing counts. One sentence? Legal. Five thousand furious hyperfixated words? Also legal.

Every day, make progress. Any progress.

I deleted Twitter from my phone and did my best to replace doomscrolling with writing. If I caught myself idly scrolling I'd close whatever I was looking at and open my draft and write one (1) sentence until I made THAT a habit, too.

Step Two-point-Five

DO NOT REWRITE. If you are creating a first draft, don't back up or restart. Continous forward motion. Second drafts and editors exist. Firsts are for ripping the fucking thing out of your brain.

If you're working on revisions after an editor or beta readers or whoever has given you feedback, then you can rewrite that's OK (and it counts as your writing for the day!)

Step the Third

Now that you've found a comfortable way to write and are doing it every day, don't stop. Keep doing it. Remember, just one sentence is all you need. You can always do more, but if one lousy sentence is all you can manage then you're still successfully writing.

Remember: this is what worked for me. Try things until you find what works for you.

You can do it. I believe in you.

[captain-astors]

Finished up my attempt at Deuce within @where-does-the-heart-lie's fighting game AU! Feeling a little iffy about it but I might've just been staring at this for too damn long. Anyways thoughts, symbolism explanation, and sketches I made in the attempt bellow the cut.

Okay! So in general I worked with a rule of 2's when it came to Deuce's hearts with the exception of his camera, but that's supposed to pair with the pen with the little heart cap, I just didn't remember to keep that in my final drawings somewhere. Trying to strike a balance between "Just a guy" and "fun stylized outfit" was hard and I don't think I quite got it, but it was enjoyable nonetheless!

Heart glasses- Representative of how he loves observing the world and aspires to adventure through it. The cracked lens represents how the damage he's received from people he loved has caused him to look at others cynically at times. Meanwhile the unshattered lens sort of represents his tendency to look at those who earn his love with extreme levels of internal praise, half of Ace's first novel is just him waxing poetic about how lovely Ace is and I think that's hilarious.

Hearts on the gloves- He shows his love for the world and for people through the writing he does with his hands! But they're somewhat damaged because they've been utilized for the medicinal legacy that was forced upon him.

Heart on the camera/pen- A specific love for journalism and writing and telling a story, credits to Whery for the first one.

Spade on the shirt- Not technically a heart but it's a little play on how he keeps the Spades close to his heart/tends to be kind of pokey if you try to get close.

Spade/heart on the back of the shirt- Symbolic of the whole life-devoting love within him, so it's large, but it's kept guarded and tethered by the camera strap and can only be seen beneath a layer and if he trusts you enough to turn his back. It's mostly upside-down to look more like a heart if I'm honest, but that as well as that it's on his back and so guarded is all representative of how the family that he presumably once loved shamed and pressured him, making a sort of "weight on his back". It's spade shaped because that's who his devotion and love belongs to, but also when counted with the other one, Deuce!

One of my scrapped ideas was having the coat be a doctor's coat with the only hearts on it being scorched edges because something something fire set him free but he still uses his medicinal abilities to benefit people in his new life, but I couldn't get it to look right so I went with the summery looking thing he's wearing now. It's fine but it kind of lacks a personality, I think that's the main thing I'd try to revise if I redid this but I've already overthought it to hell so. Another day.

Ace in Dr. Robotnik's outfit from the sonic movie is there for facial reference and emotional support I guess, I made that a while ago.

And in one last vaguely related tangent, yours truly has a very distinctly heart-shaped birthmark on my foot. It symbolizes that I'm tired. (Jokes aside I think it's cool, afab actually stood for Assigned Fighting game character At Birth)

[nyerus]

A Masterpost for the Revised Version of TGCF

Due to the amount and frequency of misinformation about the revised version of TGCF, I wanted to make a post to serve as a resource for those who are confused about it, while also helping to debunk some of the sensationalist rumors floating around.

This post will be edited to include new things as needed.

⚠️Spoiler Warning: if you have not finished reading the original novel, or want to experience the new scenes from the revised naturally/fresh, please proceed with caution! I've intentionally kept things as vague as possible, but some spoilers are unavoidable!⚠️

✨ PART ONE: Frequently Asked Questions ✨

🔹What is the "revised" version of TGCF?

MXTX had been working on a revised version of TGCF since completing the original, as mentioned this in her postscript/afterword, and in an online interview (Q.27) done years ago just as she competed TGCF. That's all that was known for several years.

In early 2023, TGCF was finally released in print format in mainland China — and this was revealed to be the revised version! Due to regulations, this was a censored edition. However, in early 2024, the uncensored edition was uploaded to JJWXC (the site where all of MXTX's webnovels were originally published)! It's currently fully available to read in Simplified Chinese.

If you want a more in-depth explanation about the revised, please see my post about that here.

🔹What does the revised change compared to the original?

Several scenes have been added, some removed, others expanded upon. Overall, MXTX reportedly wrote 100k characters (words) of new content. While the overarching plot of each arc and the novel as a whole remains the same, it's a more cohesive and polished story. Pacing in each part of the story has been adjusted to flow better, especially in arcs notorious for feeling slow or disjointed.

Some segments have had fairly significant changes — namely the Bloody Banquet/Fang Xin Guoshi arc. (Though it still plays out much the same way.) Most others have smaller changes.

A new extra was also added, called "the Ghost King Dressed Down," which has been translated by Scarabsi on twitter.

🔹How does the revised version effect characters?

Apart from certain minor characters — such as the child Lang Ying who was removed entirely — there haven't been many drastic changes. The biggest thing was side characters like Lang Qianqiu and Ling Wen being given notably more backstory to further flesh them out. Their characterization itself hasn't changed, however.

🔹Which version is canon, then?

Whichever you want, and you can mix-and-match! MXTX has given fans her blessings and encouragement!

🔹How do I read the revised version in English?

Currently, there are no official or unofficial English translations of the whole revised version. Nor are there any plans to do so for the near future.

However, there are English fan translations of a few notable chapters, which you can read here. There's also instructions on that site on how to read the rest of the updated webnovel in English, using a browser extension.

Additionally, the audio drama is adapting the uncensored revised version, and has been doing an amazing job! Check out how to listen to that with English subs here.

✨PART TWO: Debunking Rumors & Clearing up Misinformation✨

Note that all chapter numbers given will be referencing the webnovel's. The old chapters are also available towards the bottom of the page as "serialized versions."

(Translated screenshots provided are janky because it's just basic google MTL!)

🔸"Mentions of Mu Qing's mother was removed from the revised!"

Not at all! Both his parents are still mentioned, along with how Mu Qing is the primary breadwinner due to his mom's failing eyesight. (Ch. 57)

🔸"The earring scene isn't there anymore!"

The earring scene is still very much there! Not actually sure why this is a rumor at all, when the whole earring thing spans several chapters. Here's the conclusion of it (Ch. 59):

🔸"Characters have been butchered in general, with Mu Qing especially getting scenes cut!"

No character (who didn't straight-up get deleted) has been butchered. Nor has any character been singled out for having their scenes deleted/changed, because that's happened to every character — yes, including Xie Lian and Hua Cheng! — and they also have new scenes added!

E.g. the scene where Mu Qing picks the cherries is removed, because that whole section was changed. (However, it's still mentioned that others are prejudiced against him due to his background, and so on.) Meanwhile, there's a brand-new scene that shows Mu Qing's aptitude in treating wounds, as well as he and Feng Xin having new hijinks as "junior officials" with Xie Lian, and more.

Despite the rumors, characters haven't been flattened to make them more one-dimensional compared to Hualian. Perhaps the idea of certain scenes being cut sounds scary for characterization, but a lot of the original has been retained one way or another. In many cases, MXTX just condensed things, or moved them around. The revised is meant to be looked at as a whole, after all.

🔸"Mu Qing now leaves for no reason in Book/Arc 4, instead of for his mother!"

Mu Qing clearly states in the revised that he wants to leave in order to find a way to improve their situation, since they anyways cannot agree amongst themselves. Just like in the original, he was frustrated and felt there was no point in continuing along the same path. (Ch 152)

And yes, he does not bring up his mother in the revised scene. For context: there is a three year gap between the end of Book/Arc 2 and the start of 4. Which means in the original, Mu Qing didn't mention his mother for those three years. Given the events leading to his departure, and what follows, this causes several inconsistencies.

That is a whole topic unto itself, however. But it's not surprising the revised did it a bit differently.

🔸"Feng Xin isn't as funny anymore!"

Feng Xin is actually one of the least changed characters! This rumor likely stems from the scene where Xie Lian reveals his password, to Feng Xin, who no longer rolls on the floor while laughing. Or maybe it's a miscommunication based on the printed revised, which censored some of his (and Qi Rong's) cursing. But that was only for the printed!

🔸"Ling Wen's character isn't as interesting because of the changes!"

People will really say anything on the internet. She's been given more depth and complexity, if anything. There's new scenes that expand on her background and early days in heaven, and her relationship with Bai Jing has been given a lot of extra attention. Her motivations and actions remain the same, but if the subtext was missed in the original, it could have led to some readers thinking of Ling Wen as certain way. Like a ruthless girlboss.

The revised reiterating that this isn't the case doesn't change or detract from her, as that was one of the points of her story to begin with. Plus, the revised arc gives Bai Jing much-needed characterization.

🔸"Ling Wen's ascension is now due to Jing Wen/not on her own merit/etc!"

Frankly, this rumor might be due to people not properly understanding how ascension works in TGCF, and thinking the revised is adding something that they forgot was already in the original. The revised didn't change anything about the manner in which Ling Wen ascended.

You can actually check out the revised Brocade Immortal arc here for yourself, as it's been fan translated!

🔸"The dynamic between Hualian is different in the revised!"

Their dynamic is exactly the same as before, only reinforced if anything. If the new additions are enough to destroy someone’s image of Hualian or turn it on its head, that’s definitely not a fault with either novel version!

🔸"The scene where Hua Cheng is disguised as Lang Ying and accidentally catches Xie Lian bathing is removed!"

Unfortunately, yes, the bathing scene is gone. However, Hua Cheng in disguise is still there — he's a village kid instead.

🔸"MXTX made changes to side characters/ships because she felt threatened by their popularity compared to her main couple!"

This one just doesn't really make sense, because several side characters were given *more* content — including their relationships.

Lang Qianqiu finally feels like an actual character. Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu have new stuff about them. Shi Wudu has some clever little cameos. Pei Ming’s feelings about Yushi Huang are brought up. Pei Xiu’s backstory is even more heartbreaking. Qi Rong has new scenes that make him feel genuinely menacing. Xiao Ying’s been completely revamped. These are just to name a few, and excluding things already talked about above.

It seems unlikely that MXTX would go through the trouble of adding to her side characters if she didn’t care about them, felt they weren’t important, or thought they were getting undeserved attention. Besides, popular characters like Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan had no cuts to their arc!

Looking at the actual metrics… MXTX has no need to feel threatened by her side ships vs her main ships.

[chaaistained]

☕︎ my better cr; intro •°

.

.

.

🗝️ you’ve now unlocked the recipe to my better cr ≈

name : ℳ

age (when i shift) : 17/18 — i’m planning to either shift to dec 2021 or aug 2022 , wtv my subconscious chooses

occupation : university student — double degree in law and arts, majoring in media law and craft of writing & literature, respectively

+ part time tutor for english and maths, at the same private tutoring company i went to in high school

+ (eventually) part time stock acquisition and youth advertiser at a telecommunications company near my campus which is technically a nepo hire bcs my aunt works there

+ (eventually) paid internship at the australian taxation office for the study of torts and contracts and even tho i got in genuinely bcs of my marks and my interview it also feels a little nepo bcs another aunt (a family friend) also works here.. anyway

side hobbies/hustles : blogger (tumblrina in every reality if i can help it) , tiktok + youtube cover channel with two of my high school friends , fic author (ao3 curse does NOT exist here come at me) , occasional columnist for my uni’s student newsletter

my s/o : childhood family friend — lost contact and reunited ten years later — not revealing his name apart from the first letter bcs . he’s real .. anyway it’s 𝒜

౨ৎ meet ℳ

a sun kissed cinnamon bun personified — she is the smile that blossoms between warm cheeks during the burn of a sunrise ≈

in this dr i don’t change my name, and for that reason i’ll stick to the first letter (just like my pinned post) which is ℳ.

i’m nothing more than a normal girl, waking up each day already tired but willing myself to either go to uni or work, staying up late to catch up on the hours i spend doing other things, i have a closet full of clothes and yet i have nothing to wear, i have three of the same shades of lip gloss but they’re all from different brands so ofcs they’re not the same, i just bought a new journal but i’m yet to finish the one i got four years ago, i have ink stains on the tips of my fingers and chai stains on the pages edge of the novel i’m currently reading.

i just take every day like a new pot of tea leaves, waiting to be steeped to perfection.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

౨ৎ the metamorphosis

with frayed edges and tear stained cheeks, she undid the binds of a life once lived, a life once loved, finding the holes to be too much to bear in the everlasting winter of the cold reality that was thrust upon her, opting to take the needle and thread between her own fingers and stitch up the seams, to reinforce the realm of her existence into one that can hold her hand rather than hold her down

quite often i approach the concept of reinvention with a quivering hand, unable to part ways from the comfort — or perhaps the codependency — of that familiarity.

but eventually i took a step back and realised, there is no shame in finding freedom in what already feels right . after all, our souls are not dependant on this realm or this body, our consciousness is an ever expanding universe on its own, and our power to wield it is something that we have grown to understand and control in a way that allows us to live the lives we truly desire.. that’s all that this dr represents for me.

a life that i truly desire.

i’m not that different here, i have the same name, the same birthday, the same family. but it would be a lie to say everything stays the same.

i do admit to changing my appearance a bit, i’m nothing if not a perfectionist and whilst i do think my features have potential, i actually reach said potential in this reality. my upbringing has been revitalised to be something that enriched me rather than keeping me sheltered. my parental unit is less overbearing and more understanding, my brother is less of a jerk and more of a friend, my family relationships are less immature and more genuine.

i revise my failures in education, i revise my anxieties around success and the fear of that success being unreachable, i revise my health, my athleticism, my willpower and the general energy i have throughout the day to achieve everything that i wish to accomplish, everything that i could not bring myself to take a step towards in my previous reality.

my passions aren’t shamed here, they are encouraged. not just with the wary caution of a simple hobby but rather as an actual proper lifestyle, a feasible choice to make for a career, a skill that is supported as something from which i can make a name for myself.

and in this growth, in this metamorphosis, i find stability and comfort in not just my family but also my friends — people that i lost contact with, people that i drifted away from, people that i couldn’t bring myself to keep close because of the shame in my own progression or lack thereof — i’m not an aspect of shame, i never was, i know what i deserve and what i’m capable of and in this reality, i am all those things.

that’s why this is home, even after i break out of the cocoon and open my eyes in a world that’s familiar, it will also be different, because i’ll be different — no longer experiencing the slow sluggish state of what once was, for i now have a marvellous symmetry of splendour that holds me high, the equilibrium of my reality, where the scales finally tipped in my favour, levelling out to be amiably sound, with every flap of a butterfly’s wing.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

౨ৎ sugar heart cookies

it’s an inexplicable pull, an intangible tug on the heartstrings, a firm grip, a gentle ache, a deep longing. you can’t help but feel that there is something more out there for you, that there is someone more. someone that feels less like a piece and more like a whole person. someone who won’t complete you, but will help you complete yourself. two halves of a heart leaves you vulnerable when you’re apart, but when it’s two hearts beating alongside each other, the only thing left is to hold onto you

he sat beside me in his mother’s car. we were six (me) and eight (him). he sat in the drivers seat while his mother went inside the house to pick up a few things before taking the three of us (his little sister sat in the back) to a gathering of family friends.

his mother had bought us britannia little hearts. i can still remember the minuscule sugar crystals stuck to the tips of my small fingers while i dove inside the aluminium cover every few seconds to reach for the next tiny biscuit.

he asked me where i was that day — i’d stayed home from school because i felt unwell — when i told him, his first reaction was to nag me : “you know, if you’re sick, you shouldn’t be eating these. this is pure sugar.”

“yeah but i don’t want to listen to you!” — i was .. never really good at listening to people, especially not cute boys who were a little older than me.

he always seemed a bit uptight, but i guess i forgot how much he cared. because i can’t remember what happened two years later, during my last day in my old school. i remember crying, and i remember being comforted by people. but i guess i forgot that one of those people was him. i guess i forgot that he told me “it’ll be alright. i’m sure we’ll see each other again someday.”

it took us ten years but we got there.

this time, he was upstairs, in the house that was hosting a dinner among friends. i was distracted by my brother’s antics, one foot inside the threshold past the door and one foot on the pavement outside. with a flick of my head, my gaze turned up, up past the stairs in front of the door, up to the railing on the second level, a lookout point for the entrance.

he was leaning against the railing, blue button up shirt tucked into his black jeans, scrolling aimlessly on his phone, taking a quick glance to his side before doing a double take.

the silence felt like the calm before a pattering evening of rainfall, where you can feel the change in your future from the way the air seems electrified, from the way the clouds seems to churn around each other, like they’re brewing together, ready to erupt and explode into thunder, like the way you can hear your heartbeat in your ears.

he seemed familiar, he seemed important, he seemed to be everything i could ever ask for and i didn’t know why the sirens were singing in my skull but i knew in my gut he was meant to be important to me. i knew he was meant to be somebody.

it took me a second to look away, but that entire night, and every night that followed, and every day that came along with it, i can’t ever forget the sugar crystal glimmers of light in his eyes. and for every moment to come, i’ll hold the little heart biscuits of our love in the palm of my hands, because i’m not someone who listens to people very well, i don’t care if i’m not allowed, i want them . i want him.

don’t swallow the tea leaves ! for they leave you a message 🍂

this dr is very near and dear to my heart and i can’t even begin to put everything i wanna say about it into one post so .. there will be more abt this dr

it’s literally home. it’s my life.

i’m so grateful for it xx

chaai brews; tea assortments — dr archive

2025 © chaaistained