#and also makes me wish i had the time and wherewithal to go through with making something substantial with one of my sets of losers w

[miodiodavinci]

seeing everyone's responses to that "describe your ocs in the worst way possible" post has led me to conclude you are all rad as hell and have only the finest of tastes

[gin-juice-tonic]

for people who would still like to read more of the bob files (my secret codename for analyzing the bill book), I did have a post that I was going to make once upon a time but I never ended up doing because I lacked the energy. And I still dont have the energy to thoroughly explain myself! So the following may come off as nonsensical ramblings due to this

This would be about the extended set of Ford and Mabel journal pages from the ARG website. I know a lot of people really liked those pages. Sorry to take aim at them.

This is a reply I typed up to someone who asked me about them (like, two seconds ago)

Again, I wish I had sort of the wherewithal to go into depth on what I mean. The "Dear Reader" bit is really what gets me the most. That is originally used in the very last page of J3. These new pages having it in general and having it be accompanied by Ford's and Mabel's sign off is also strange. Where do these pages fit? Reading through J3 again, they don't fit anywhere, even based on the idea that they were torn out.

"Why would these pages have gotten burned?" is important too. Especially in conjunction with the idea above. They're addressed to a reader, but never delivered. At least, not by Ford anyway. That's pretty wildly suspicious to me. (Also, if I was Mabel, I'd be a lil sad Ford set my drawings on fire!)

The bill cipher statue I haven't really explained well up there. It's just sort of like, the way it's talked about in those pages is really strange. The foreboding nature of it all, the questioning the reader's opinion on whether he's gone for good or if he'll be back. The very last message from "Ford" supposedly centering on this statue, when it's the last thing Bill centered on too, and wanted YOU to focus on. They're both trying to connect you to it. For Bill it makes sense, but why should Ford? I'm probably still not explaining it good, but it's mighty suspicious to me.

[shy-urban-hobbit]

Aiden/Lambert ficlet based on some gorgeous art by @elmonstro (check out the rest of their stuff too. It's all absolutely amazing!!😍)

Lambert has a bad time with toxicity after a job. Lucky (and unexpectedly) for him he doesn't have to handle it alone this time.

C/W implied sexual content under the cut.

Lambert stumbled his way back through the trees, barely aware of where exactly he was placing his feet. He’d managed to ignore for as long as it took him to collect payment and leave that little piss water town to his back, dragging the head of the leshen behind him as his skin started growing tighter and his hand started feeling like a detached entity, refusing to co-operate in dropping it in the dirt after the Alderman had basically ordered that he take it and dispose of it if he wished to be given anything.

Now that he was a safe distance away there was no denying the toxicity had him firmly in its grip. He swore he could almost feel the poison pulsating under his skin in time with his heartbeat as the too sharp, too bright colours of the setting sun started to swim together at the edges of his vision and the pain behind his eyes grew stronger as every sound felt like someone striking his skull with a dull axe. Even his sense of smell was betraying him. Each inhale stinging his sinuses as he tried to focus on finding his way back to his camp where he could curl up into a pathetic little ball as the haze descended again and he waited out the need to either fuck or fight (his body wasn’t picky about which) in privacy if not in comfort; hardly noticing the smell of spices growing stronger as he stumbled into the small clearing he’d been calling home for the last couple of days. What was another note in the current cacophony?

Lambert whimpered as he tried to bury his face deeper into the soft fabric as he felt the throbbing in his head finally subside; stiffening instantly when he realised the fabric in question appeared to be the shirt of whoever’s lap he was currently in.

“Shhhh. Easy Pup. S’just me.” A hand ran through his hair, the same hand he was sure had held him close whilst that voice murmured something in his ear. He tilted his head slightly to peer about with one eye warily. Night had fallen, the clearing illuminated only by the feeble light of the crescent moon with Lambert not having had the wherewithal to light a fire and his unexpected company also being unable, pinned as they were between Lambert’s bulk and the tree they were sat against.

“A-Aid’n?” He slurred, tongue feeling like a lead weight in his mouth.

“One and only. You back with me?”

Lambert grunted an affirmative, moving to lift his head up further before thinking better of it and letting it drop back onto the others shoulder as the world started spinning again, wordlessly nosing at Aiden’s collar.

“Easy there.” Aiden cooed, “Dunno what the fuck you took, but you’ve been on the comedown for awhile. Take your time.”

“Wha’ happened? Y’not supposed t’be here.”

Lambert felt Aiden purposefully stifle his laughter so he didn’t jostle him too much, “Call it luck. Was passing through and recognised your scent all over this place. Figured you were the one who’d beaten me to that contract so I thought I’d surprise you. Good thing I did, you could barely walk when you came crashing through the trees with a leshen head and all the grace of a drunk boar.”

Lambert growled half-heartedly at the comparison, “Then what?”

He felt Aiden shift underneath him, “Well, after I convinced you to drop the fucking head you had the bright idea of driving your swords into the thing – was almost like you were making sure it was actually dead - before you more or less collapsed onto me and wouldn’t let go. Should’ve known you’d be a clingy fucker when you’re in the grips. After that you sort of, well, how much exactly do you remember?”

Lambert tried to recall the sensations: Fabric under his hands as he held onto something or rather someone, his fingers gripping onto them hard, the smell of spices invading his nose as he nipped at warm skin, lips pressing brief kisses to his hairline and face, a voice whispering as gentle fingers pet him whilst another hand moved to rest on the small of his back as a familiar pressure built between his legs…

“That’s it, take what you need Lam. Shhhh, you’re alright. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

For the first time, he became aware of the uncomfortable stickiness at the front of his trousers, the exact position he and Aiden were in alongside the muted scent of spend. He let out a pained whine before hiding his face again. He’d rutted against Aiden’s leg like a fucking, Gods-damn dog.

“Lambert?” Aiden nudged the other in concern over the non-answer, “What is it, what do you need?”

“The ground to swallow me up.” He snarled into the crook of Aiden’s neck before standing, not meeting the others eye, “M’sorry.”

“For what?”

Lambert snarled low in his throat, “Don’t make me fucking say it, you bastard.”

“Lambert.” Aiden said gently, also rising to his feet, “It’s fine.”

“Is it?! For fucks sake Aiden, what were you thinking?! I could have hurt you. As it is, I practically-“

“Don’t.” The unexpected sternness in the others voice made Lambert’s eyes flick up to meet his on reflex, even if the other hadn’t grabbed him by the chin so he couldn’t look anywhere else. Aiden’s eyes flashing dangerously as they caught the moonlight, “Don’t even finish that thought. You didn’t take anything I wasn’t willing to give you; and you think I haven’t been in a similar situation too many times to count, that I don’t know how much it fucking hurts when it has nowhere to go? If I can ever do anything to make that easier, I will.”

“So you’re happy to just let toxic Witchers use you as a rutting post?”

“Only the ones I’m fond of.” Aiden said with a wink before kissing the end of Lambert’s nose, causing the Wolf’s jaw to slacken in surprise.

“Now, how about you go get yourself cleaned up while I see about getting some food started.”

Lambert nodded dumbly, grabbing his pack with the intention of heading to the little stream just beyond the clearing.

“…Thanks, Aiden.”

Aiden waved him off, from where he was placing a bunch of kindling in the small fire pit, “Don’t mention it, Pup. Although-” he cast igni, throwing Lambert a shit eating grin as the flames caught, “If you ever want to try it without a shit-tonne of potions in your system, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

Lambert hurried through the trees, eyes firmly on the forest floor before the Cat could see his reaction to that suggestion.

[lurkingshan]

Hello! I'm curious if there are any shows that you loved, but just can't even watch again because of various reasons.

😺👉🐈(I am making do with what I have and booping you)

Thank you for the ask, I had to think about this one for a minute but I do have a few like this where I loved them, but they are just too intense for me to want to go through the watch experience again.

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

This is a fantastic Thai drama that I respect very much and I will absolutely never be watching it again. It's a hard watch experience because the whole show is a series of very intense conversations; my primary feeling while watching it was tension.

Egoist

I watched this Japanese film with @bengiyo and I was glad to have a buddy with me because that shit hurted. I went in not really knowing what this film was about and was surprised by it on a number of fronts. I still think about it often but I have no desire to rewatch.

My Mister

One of my all time favorite dramas and one I think about rewatching often, but I never muster the wherewithal to do so. It's a hard watch because the characters are going through so much, and while the journey is healing it's also just brutal a lot of the time. I still want to try to watch again someday because there's so much to appreciate in this story and I want to see what I get from a second watch, but...

The Red Sleeve

This Korean drama did exactly what it set out to do because I was torn through pretty much every moment of my watch and ultimately left unsatisfied in exactly the way it intended. It's a fictionalized story based in real history about the life of a court maid who falls in love with a king and unwillingly gets pushed into becoming his concubine. The drama refuses to give in to romantic notions about loving a monarch and forces you to sit in the tension between her romantic feelings for him and her wish to live her life as a free citizen, and that tension is never broken all the way through the tragic ending. It's excruciatingly well done, excruciating being the operative word.

[dxxtruction]

CW: SA/assualt mentions (IWTV related)

It's subtlety not so subtlety hinted, in some way just explicitly stated, that Armand was very likely assaulted by the coven. My proof of this is in how the show wants us to parallel Madeleine with Armand.

Same story: lived through shit -> took a lover who ruined their life -> lived through more shit because of it -> found a better person to be with -> is assaulted -> given option that would prevent this from happening again -> what was changing into being forever with this person is cut short -> had chance to change fate and chose death

Difference for this being that no one was around who could save Armand when this happened except himself. And yk that thing where survivors sometimes don’t disclose out of shame? This is especially true of men. (take my word for it.) Like it’s dark stuff to think about, but the likelihood of Armand being briefly overpowered is there. 13 to 1. This sudden taken by surprise assault, which Idk, maybe he even provoked the coven to finally taking action when coming home mad at Louis. Maybe the Parallel is that deep. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say it may have even been prolonged, because it sent him into his coping mechanisms, and he didn’t know what to do except submit to it. As he would've done. Until he realized his wherewithal again. This to say, the time it takes to be saved is perhaps also paralleled. And I don't think it's a stretch to think this when they already share so many.

(Side mention: This would also make it a valid case that Armand leaves that night not thinking 'I should kill them' but more likely is thinking 'I wish he'd help me like that'. So it might just be that extra fuel to the fire of all of this that Louis isn't there when he needed him most cause he was out helping Claudia instead. There's resentment that I think he puts onto Claudia when doing the thing he'd been coerced into doing, because he probably doesn't blame Louis for it. Armand isn't going through with this because of any resentment though. It's the threat.)

[hiccupfound]

On Hermione killing Draco in Jagged

i’ve always wanted to give my explanation for this, but i fell out of fandom before i got the chance. tonight i was scrolling on my fandom tumblr, trying to find a gif to show my brother and sister in law, and i passed a jagger excerpt. one thing led to another, and i ended up reading the chapter after draco came back. (ch 30 i think?)

i know that some people were truly outraged on my choice to have draco murdered. a lot of people claimed it was out of character, and there’s a good amount of evidence for that, sure, but i think there’s a fair amount of evidence to show that it’s just as much in character as well.

originally, draco was supposed to live. originally, drarry was going to be end game. originally, abraxas was never supposed to come back to 1998, but sometimes you write the narrative and sometimes it writes itself. jagged was the story that taught me that maybe i’m not an outline type of author, because the final product deviated from the original idea so much that it was more frustrating than helpful.

admittedly, very much of the writing in jagged was therapeutic for me. a lot of hermione’s inner dialogue, self hatred, and “selflessness” are things i either see in myself or wish i could be. she’s far from a perfect character, but she’s powerful, level headed and smart. she doesn’t have many weaknesses revealed, not even when we spend half the story in her point of view. tom makes note of that several times when we get to his pov— that he has hermione on this pedestal, that she seems like some sort of impenetrable force.

but at the end of the day— hermione has dealt with extremely traumatizing situations that she had spent the better part of a year repressing. not only that, she was thrown back into 1998 quite suddenly, and even though we don’t see it in tom’s pov, it’s not hard to imagine how triggering that must be. hermione can put on a mask of indifference but at the end of the day that’s all it is— a mask.

i knew very early on that i was choosing the route of a dark order. the order has always been dark (its war, there’s really no moral high ground, despite what harry was brainwashed into thinking).

i felt very particular about how i wanted to pull this off. i didn’t want it to seem sudden or out of the blue. i also didn’t necessarily want “dark” to mean evil, because i feel like in jagged each and every character can be made out to be evil if you break down their actions in different lights. (this is a completely different essay)

draco’s betrayal was always a very dark spot for hermione. it brought on torture that she wore as proof of his disloyalty in her skin everyday. regardless of his actions or his orders, she thought this for years. she built resentment on it. is it logical for this resentment to play a part in her decision once she knows the truth? absolutely not. but that’s the thing, the moment draco steps into grimmauld place, logic has taken a backseat in hermione’s brain. she’s riding purely on emotions. she knows this, and yes, she has the wherewithal to recollect herself if she wanted to. but she doesn’t. it’s like she told remus. draco is her line.

second, hermione would have never, ever watched draco be tortured. damn the plan, damn the betrayal. she would have died to stop it. she would have gotten them both killed, probably. the point is, she couldn’t have lived with herself if she stood for hours and watched it happen. and with that knowledge, and knowing the pain she suffered through and that draco was able to stomach watching it the entire time… well, it was enough for her to not want him around anymore.

also, this was a last stitch effort for remus to prove his loyalty to her. i didn’t realize it at the time, but hermione and remus’s relationship mirrors jude’s and her step father’s from the cruel prince quite a bit. if you haven’t read it, (what are you waiting for?) the main thing you need to know is that they have an endlessly complicated, painful relationship wherein the love they have for each other is not stronger than their need to fight for what they believe is the greater good.

hermione viewed remus like a father, but that wasn’t a one sided relationship. remus loved hermione endlessly like he would his own child.

yet he still took a “calculated” risk. she was tortured and almost killed because of a decision he made. a decision he never planned on telling her about.

remus says he would do it again. and hermione knows it’s the truth, and in some ways she respects him for it. she’ll always be a soldier at heart. but it also solidifies his spot in her life as someone that will never, ever be family to her again. because hermione wouldn’t risk remus’s life for anything.

so she uses draco as leverage. remus sees draco as mostly innocent. his life lies in remus’s hands. he has to choose. hermione’s side, or draco’s life. it’s vindictive, yes, but hermione has just spent the past 4 years using manipulation to get what she wants. as a reader, it’s not a side of her we get to see a lot (aside from when she’s torturing michael, which admittedly, was meant to be foreshadow to this exact moment)

as an author i could have done a better job throwing in more unpredictable or emotional behavior on her part. but at the time, i really wanted this to be a turning point, not just for the order, but for hermione herself. this is kind of her first selfish decision in a long time. the first time she chooses something simply because it’s what she wants. as readers you may say, “her selfish act was to take a life?!” and to that i say, yes. yes it was.

i wanted hermione to be irrational just because. i wanted her to take her power and abuse it a little. we read stories about strong female characters with endless powers who fight and win big wars just to settle at the end in the name of morality or being the better person.

i didn’t want hermione to settle. i wanted hermione angry because she deserved to be.

of course there are arguments against why she didn’t, and of course logicially killing draco wasn’t the decision that made sense. but that’s the thing, hermione is a flawed character. she doesn’t (and won’t) make all her decisions based on logic.

women deserve to be angry. women don’t need to forgive.

jagged hermione doesn’t need to explain why she wanted draco dead, but as an author, i wanted to.

[drabbles-mc]

Long Fuckin' Year

Carmy Berzatto & Richie Jerimovich

Warnings: 18+, language, angst, talks of grief/mourning

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: It's the worst week of the year for me and I'm just trying to muddle through it the best I can. Sibling grief really is something.

The Bear Taglist: @garbinge @ashlingnarcos @narcolini @hausofmamadas @withmyteeth @darqchilddaydreamz @justreblogginfics (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

He’d been on more of a warpath than usual as the days went on. Everyone understood it, of course. That was always the thing—they all got it. It didn’t mean that they loved being on the receiving end of his tirades and angry hand gestures, but at least they knew where it was coming from. There was something to be said for that.

The restaurant wasn’t even close to open and he was already yelling like they were knee-deep in a Friday night dinner service. Everyone was in their own lane, doing their own prep. He was there because he had to be, because it was his restaurant. And it was really his restaurant now. Gone were the days when he could say that it was Mikey’s place that just got dumped on his lap.

That fact was fucking with his head too, on top of everything else.

“God fucking dammit!” he snapped as he went to pull open the desk drawer in the office and it jammed.

“What?” Richie poked his head around the corner, expecting Carmy’s yell to be followed by a crash, or more of an explanation that never came.

“The, the fuckin’ drawers on this shit,” he slammed his hand against the drawer that wouldn’t open, “never fuckin’—”

Without a word Richie reached and gently pulled the top middle drawer of the desk out just slightly. There was the quietest click as he did so, and then he calmly reached and pulled open the drawer that Carmy hadn’t been able to get.

“Shit locks ‘em all,” Richie explained, making sure to keep his tone even.

Carmy wished that Richie had come back with something shitty and sarcastic. It would’ve been easier to make a fight out of it that way, and he could really use a fight with Richie right about now. It’d been a long time since their last knock-down-drag-out and it was fucked up to say that they were overdue for it, but Carmy felt like his brain was starting to smolder at the edges, red starting to creep into the corners of his vision.

“Yea, I fuckin’,” he shook his head and ran his hands back through the mess of his hair, “I fuckin’ see that, Richie, thank you.”

Richie took a deep breath. He wanted to snap right back—Carmy had a habit of making it so easy for him to do that. But he was tying to be better. Even in moments like this when all he wanted to do was drag Carmy outside by his greasy little curls, he was trying to be better. So he kept his mouth shut instead.

Since he wasn’t getting what he was looking for from Richie, Carmy started flipping through the folders of paperwork that he had originally gone into the office to look through in the first place. Truth be told, he’d completely forgotten what he had been looking for. It seemed so fucking important at the time but now he couldn’t remember it for the life of him. The inside of his brain was so goddamn loud and Richie was standing there looming over his shoulder and Mikey was dead and the world was still turning and the restaurant was still going to open for dinner service and now he couldn’t remember what fucking paperwork he needed.

He didn’t have it in him to say any of that though. He didn’t have the wherewithal to say what was wrong, or that he had completely drowned out his purpose in that moment and now he had no recollection of why he was there.

Instead, he slammed the drawer shut. “Fuck!” He shook his head. “Nothing. N-nothing is where it’s supposed to be. Why is all this shit turned around like this?” he asked as he paced the small area of the office.

Richie was the only one there but he was also very aware of the fact that Carmy wasn’t talking to him. And since Carmy wasn’t talking to him, what Richie said next had nothing to do with what Carmy had been ranting about.

“Yo, cousin,” Richie chose each word purposefully as he crossed his arms over his chest, “we got it here.”

Carmy’s brows instantly came together, confusion washing over his face. It was a change from the anger for the moment, at least. “What?”

Richie cleared his throat, a split second of hesitation like he knew that what he was about to say was going to go over like a lead fucking brick but he knew he had to say it anyway. “Syd, me, fuckin’, fuckin’ Tina. We got it here if you wanna…” he trailed off for a moment before gtting his resolve back and looking Carmy in the eyes to say, “Maybe you should head home, Bear.”

Anger instantly reappeared on Carmy’s face, entwining with the confusion even though he knew full-well exactly what Richie was talking about. “Fuck you, I should head home.”

“Carmy—”

��No!” he cut Richie short. “No. Don’t, don’t fuckin’ tell me what to do. Don’t tell me to go home, don’t tell me—just, just don’t.” He would’ve known even without looking at Richie what the expression on his face was, but he still looked anyway. Always the glutton for punishment. His voice was quieter, anger momentarily giving way to the sadness that was lurking beneath it. “I gotta be here. I, I, I just, I gotta be here.”

“You fuckin’ don’t, though.” In the years prior, the sentence would’ve come out mean, condescending even. But this time it came out like a reassurance, almost like a plea. Clearing his throat, Richie threw himself on the grenade and said, “It’s been a long fuckin’ year.”

Tears instantly welled in Carmy’s eyes. “Long fuckin’ year.”

“So go home,” Richie reiterated.

“To what?” Carmy snapped, exasperated. “To, to just be alone in my fuckin’ living room? No. No fuck that. It’s not, you know, it’s not like he’s gonna be there. He’s not,” he threw his arms up, gesturing to the office and surrendering to the reality of it all in one motion, “not fuckin’ here either.” He sniffed, shaking his head as he rested his hands on his hips, gaze dropping to the floor. “God dammit. Fuckin’ asshole, you know?”

Richie let out a quiet, sad laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

Carmy forced himself to look at Richie. “Why…how are you so…?” He made a vague gesture to Richie as a whole.

Richie chuckled quietly and shook his head. “I don’t know, cousin. In a couple hours maybe I’ll be a goddamn mess like you are.”

It got a real laugh out of Carmy, a short-lived one but it was something. “Fuck you.”

“Yeah, well,” Richie allowed himself a small smile, “fuck you too.”

Carmy pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes for a moment, wiping away the tears that were there and trying to force any new ones to go back into their hiding places. “I can’t go home, cousin.” He paused, hands dropping to his sides. “Don’t make me go home.”

“I’m not gonna make you do shit,” Richie said with a shrug. “But if it’s fuckin’ you up being here then—”

“Being anywhere is fuckin’ me up,” Carmy said, voice quieter than it had been but still laden with frustration. “Not, it’s not about where. It’s just that he’s…not.”

Richie nodded. “I know.”

“How do I fix that?” Carmy asked, earnest as he’d ever been.

“Got no fuckin’ idea.” Richie clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” He watched Carmy for another minute more before asking, “You gonna…?”

Carmy shook his head. “I’m good. I’m gonna stay. Thanks. And, and I’m sorry.”

Richie nodded as he took a step back towards the office door. “Make sure you apologize to that fuckin’ desk, too.”

Carmy chuckled. “Right.” He watched as Richie backed all the way out of the office, leaving him alone for a moment to get himself together. He dragged his hands over his face, looking around the office like it was going to give him answers to questions that he hadn’t even put out into the universe yet. He looked over at the one pocket of wallspace that was still dedicated to Fenway, held together by Richie’s scotch tape surgery job and all. He sighed, muttering one more, “Right,” to himself before heading back out into the restaurant.

[andiinaraethtash]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼

Okay, so just to clarify, these are only of the ones I've published, because otherwise I will take forever just figuring out the top ten, nevermind the top five. I will be explaining some of my reasoning, and if you want to know why fic xyz didn't make the list, feel free to ask. I crave interaction.

So.

What We're Fighting For. The second in the Young Enough to Try series, I feel like this one had the best character growth, not to mention the most of one of my favorite OCs, Charger. It also had some of the best bait-and-switch moments that I loved seeing y'all's reactions to.

Can't Escape the Fallout. Also the second in a series (I Believe That There Is Courage), this is currently unfinished (though I will finish it, come hell or highwater), and it's just. So angsty, and while the fandom is a bit niche, it also has some really good fans and I've made more than a few friends through that. Also I just feel like I did better with both the writing style and plot lines for individual characters. It's far from perfect, but I love it.

Before Something Breaks That Cannot Be Fixed. The first in the 'I Believe That There Is Courage' series, it also, in my opinion, had a really good story line, lots of angst, and of course, character development. I also feel like I handled some of the characters (namely, Gem) better than in the second installment, but I feel like I also neglected other characters.

I See It in Your Closed Eyes. This, like #2, is also unfinished, and it also is part of a series. However, it's the first part of the series, the rest of which is mostly planned but not at all published. Coincidentally, it's also the first fanfic I wrote for the Star Wars fandom, and the first one that I wrote with the intention to publish it. It has a lot of sentimental value for me, and I can't wait to share it with y'all

A Second Chance to Make Amends. The spin-off of #1, it takes place in the same universe, just things happen differently than in the original version. What's great about it is that all of my readers thought this was what was going to happen when I first published WWFF, and then I pulled a bait-and-switch, which, in my opinion was just as satisfying, though for different reasons. Anyway, it's great and I love it and if you've read the main canon series, definitely give this a read, it's worth it.

So, to address something that y'all might notice, there's only one of the three non-spin-off parts of the YETT series, which is statistically the most popular of my various published projects. That's because this is my favorite of my projects, and I have... issues... with the way I handled some things in the first and third parts of the series. So. If YETT #1 or #3 is your favorite, cool! I'm glad you like it. But they're not my favorite. I'm glad I wrote 'em, obviously, but if I had the time, energy, and otherwise general wherewithal to rewrite it, I almost definitely would.

Also I wish I could list my top like. Seven because I've neglected a couple of my projects that I love, but aren't in the top five because others have more sentimental value or just generally are better.

[alexanderwesker]

it has been 639 days near exactly since I first read A Twin of Light, and it's permanently shifted the way I interpret characters, relationships, and fic (as well as normal writing) as a whole. I re-read it every four months or so and it's never any less incredible.

ATOL jump-started my own fic-writing experiences, and haunts my brain; it's the quality baseline for anything I read, the source of my standards for things I write. I've drafted fic-of-fic for it more times than I can count, I've scribbled General and Soot designs on the walls of my room; when I'm bored driving or much anything really, I tend to invent new stories for them, new scenarios taking place in that wonderful world you've made.

ATOL is my favorite fanfiction. Full stop. I can count on one hand the number of fanfics that have changed my life, and make no mistake ATOL is on that list. (The House Always Wins is similarly incredible; your dedication to what you do, what you write, keeping it up no matter how long it takes to complete, is insane.)

In about three months will be the two-year anniversary of my reading ATOL, and if I had even a fraction of the wherewithal I wish I did, I'd be making some huge animation or art piece in celebration, but I don't know how I'd ever manage to capture all that ATOL means to me in something like that, let alone how I'd ever manage the motivation- but if I could, I would in a heartbeat.

The relationship between General and Soot-- I've only read a relationship in fic even somewhat like it *twice* in the near two years since first discovering ATOL, and still nothing comes close to the way their bond was woven into every fucking aspect of that book in a way I've never seen since.

Your meticulous world-building, too; the way you craft gods and goddesses and magic and turn Minecraft into something *real*, the unique systems and ideas and consequences and costs of everything the characters do- it's so fucking good. It's so so well thought out , I can't imagine how long it must have taken to flesh out.

ATOL has gotten me through some really hard times in my life; knowing I had a fantastically made escape, knowing I could slip into the universe you've so carefully wrought, has let me get up and keep going on days I felt I'd never get back up. And it's all because of you and your passion!

You do this for fun, and because you want to, and I think that's the most stunning thing of it all! Human passion, human joy, used to make something like ATOL, something that impacts perhaps thousands of others, imprints on them for the rest of their lives-- I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you so, so, so fucking much.

Whatever you do, whatever you write, you will always have my Internet - stranger self's undying support.

----

I've also got some questions pertaining to your realistic!verse & the ATOL characters, if you don't mind! :)

1. What exactly happened with Quackity and the Sky Gods? What game, what demands, etc?

2. How do others perceive Jack with his Nether-type power; did Wil ever treat him differently for it (while he was, y'know, without his General, before everything went down?)

3. Are the Sky Gods two entities, one, or more?

4. Are there stories told about Soot and General post-ATOL? How is their relationship seen in those tales?

5. What does Phil do about Wil's disappearance once in the real world once , more? (You do not need to answer this if it makes you uncomfy, as always :)

6. How did Soot and General feel during the Tommy -blessing misunderstanding discovery? How would the story have changed if their relationship had been more romantic?

7. Is fic-of-fic accepted for your universe? Any ground rules, yes/no's of what one could write?

----

Thanks for your time in answering, and thanks for everything you've written & given us all. ♥️

I don't know what to say, Anon. It really means a lot to me to hear that my story means so much to someone else other than me. And know that your words made me really happy to read, I've been going through a rough patch recently and your message means the world to me. To know that Soot and the General and their relationship helped you, that the world I made could be of help. Really from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for your words and I hope you have a wonderful day ^-^ --- To answer your questions(and don't worry I'm always up to answer questions ^D^) 1. Quackity challenged the Sky Gods, specifically Scott, though he is called Dawn in the Realistic!Verse, at a game of Poker. The game was played with as prize, if Quackity won to get the power to reach his goals(the Gods gave him his magic seeing eye because of that), and if the Sky Gods won for Quackity to be their plaything forever. There is to say though that even if Quackity won the Sky Gods did not fully keep to their promise. 2. The people in L'Manberg are the most normal about Jack's Situation, and those that don't know the whole story think that he is just some kind of Nether Hybrid) about Soot he didn't treat him that much different from how he did before, but he did keep him arms distance away because he wasn't sure if he could really trust him(like all others) 4. The Sky Gods are multiple, their names are based on the phases of the Sun in the Sky and the oldest of them is the Sun itself. And of course, the youngest of them, being Night. 5. That is a good question, I think Phil would try to help people come to terms with the fact that their streamer would not be appearing anymore, but if he can he would still try to reassure them that he is okay, but other than that sadly there wouldn't be much he can do. Since he would be hiding, as best as he can, the particular traits that that world left onto him. 6. They were kind of embarrassed about the whole situation once they discovered what Tommy had been thinking was going on between them but I can't see that changing anything on how they act towards one another. As for the second question, I don't believe the story, or the way it was told, would have changed that much had the Burs had something romantic going on, if only because their relationship is already so profound and close (even being platonic) that I cannot see it change in any particular way had their love been romantic, though they would have probably had even more gestures(not to say that they don't have many already in my canon) to show each other their love and care. 7. I am completely fine with people writing fanfics of my stories, and I'm always happy to see what you guys come up with and what ideas to explore. I just ask to have the original story linked(even better to get a related story link so I can directly connect them to my work :D) I don't have any hard 'No's when it comes to fics of my fics ^^ As for ground rules the only one I have is for the characterization of the characters to be based on my own than the DSMP one because then it wouldn't really be a fic about my stories :P Other than that feel free to write whatever scenario you imagine be it following my canon or being an AU, a "missing scene" kind of thing or a slice of life. I welcome all fanworks ^D^

Thank you again for your ask ^D^feel free to ask more questions if you have any more.

[hyperfocusedcloneshipper]

gimme director's commentary about IRP 49, im still obsessed - ace

Your wish is my command. Strap in. I have a lot to say.

This director's commentary is for chapter 49 of Love in the Time of Iterations and Retrocausal Pockets (or as I refer to it, IRP). Spoilers below:

This chapter was SUCH a long time coming. I had the broad strokes planned out every since I wrote Chapter 36: The Best of Mikes and Men.

I knew I wanted them to transport MW to a storage container (I mean the emotional wallop was too much to pass up but more on that later)

that El was going to keep him in a basement of their safehouse (a nod to season 10)

that MW was going to be fairly successful at convincing El that he was falling back in love with him

that MW was going to assist on the OverMike rescue mission

that MW would get caught trying to escape and El would actually be the one to send him back

I was also very determined that for MW, too much had changed for him for El to ever get his happy ever after but that MW would have a lot of empathy for El. Even if MW wasn't interested in El romantically this was never going to be emotionally "clean" so to speak.

Okay! So let's dig into it a bit.

This chapter is part of a sort thematic mini arc all centered around the idea of being "Undone".

The first Undone chapter was extremely literal. It told the story of the temporary timeline that Michael created ages ago back when he finally confessed to Mike (the Latvia one) that Edgar was going to die of an aneurysm and wanted to be able to offer to undo the iteration that Mike and Walt did aaaaaall the way back in chapter 6.

The second Undone chapter deals with Michael planning to undo the night of the OvEdgar Council's attack by going back to the apprehension of all the surviving OvEdagr's and killing them off. It's also about Michael sort of coming undone at the seams. He's been keeping it together all through the Mikes' imprisonment and the search for MW, but once they actually lose Mikes 7 and 9, Michael begins to come apart.

The third Undone chapter deals with El and MW and how their dream to run off together and leave time travel shenanigans behind has become an impossibility. This chapter is, at it's core, a tragedy.

So let's look at that!

I thought it important that remind the readers where we last left El and Eddie so we pick right up after the events in the clearing with El arriving at the safehouse.

“I need you to transport me in there, I can’t just leave him alone to cry himself out,” 2 insisted finally, turning to face 8.  8 frowned and opened his mouth to say something before pressing his lips together once more. He glanced at 2, then back at the monitor. “We need to get him to discharge his weapon twice more before I’ll send you in.” 2’s head jerked back a little in surprise as something like indignation zipped up his spine until he was standing ramrod straight. 8 gave him a stern look. “He wouldn’t—” “I’m not sending you in there when he is armed and emotional. That’s final.” 8 maintained, neatly avoiding an argument over whether or not MW would shoot 2 on sight. 

In this scene I wanted to focus on two things and I feel like this excerpt does a pretty good job of illustrating them:

El and Eddie are genuinely concerned for MW. They are not positioning themsleves as MWs captors, they are his rescuers. But they aren't stupid. They knew this would be an extremely difficult transition for MW and that gaining MW's trust (and affection) would be the work of time. They aren't delusional or naive about that.

El and Eddie care for one another, deeply. Eddie is especially protective of El. Going back to Alive & Free, Eddie insists on being the only one to iterate and to be the one to carry out all of the violence the night of the attack. He does this both to spare El and to make sure that El will have the wherewithal to deal with a very distraught MW since we know that consolidation can be disorienting even at the best of time.

We don't get a ton of time in El or Eddie's direct perspectives in this chapter so I wanted to make sure that I re-established them as characters right away.

For all [MW] knew everyone at Early Base was already dead.  Mikey and Michael were dead. And Base Mike’s Edgar. 

When we arrive in the next scene in the storage container I once again felt like it was important to remind everyone where we last left MW and just how little he knew about what had happened. Aside from the little flashback here and there, it's been a whole TWELVE chapters since we last saw MW, so it was important to ground the readers in MW's experience of that night.

I should've hammered this home a little harder in this section in the storage container, but at the point the OvEdgar Council has been harassed Base and Early Base for months, including sending MW audio recordings intended to make him distrust Michael and Walt's Edgar specifically. An iteration of Eddie actually shot Walt's Edgar and Eddie was caught on surveillance trying to steal calculators from Early Base. Not only that, Eddie and El are the ones who spilled the beans about the aneurysm to Mikey and his Edgar. MW has every reason not to trust El.

“I understand why you have your guard up, it would be foolish if you didn’t. I’d be disappointed in you if you didn’t, frankly. But I am not here to hurt you. Quite the opposite.” MW made a point of scooting his camp chair another few inches back as the iteration spoke. “Uh huh. You’ll forgive my skepticism.” The iteration smiled, the tips of his fingers lifting up a bit off his lap in a mild gesture of acceptance. “Of course,” he chuckled.  MW scowled at that. Was this iteration toying with him?  “Sorry,” the iteration said affably. “I’m just really happy you’re here.”

I had a lot of fun with this section. As much as El understands that MW is going to be upset, El and Eddie's whole gambit was a massive success. The got MW, they got two goddamn calculators. And they did it with, to their minds, minimal damage. They graciously gave Early Base the means to revive their fallen members. El is kind of flying high here.

“Well, if I am going to follow in your footsteps, you can call me E.L. Or El for short, I suppose. That has a nice ring to it, I think.”

I desperately wanted to ditch the Edgar 1 and Edgar 2 names in favor of, you know, actual names and I felt like MW's arrival was an opportunity to deal with that. I really liked the idea of El trying to match MW in what is ultimately an incredibly superficial way, but also I just thought it was really funny to make Edgar's last name start with L (for Edgar Lastname of course).

I'm sure no one will notice it but me but I was also very smitten with the idea that Eddie tried to lay down the law and insist that El cannot go into the storage container until MW has discharged all his bullets but then El ends up transporting in even though MW still has one bullet left. I was trying to establish that El can be a bit more impulsive, and maybe a hint more naive than Eddie.

I realize that logically MW should have tried to pretend to be overjoyed at reuniting with El from the beginning but I just didn't find that to be 1) realistic given all the trauma he'd experienced that night, or 2) particularly interesting. And honestly, I don't think El would've bought it anyway. Having MW take a shot at El and Eddie transporting El out of there was much more interesting to me.

It had been five days.  Five very long, very stressful, very boring days. 

I think I made it clear but just in case it's not as obvious as I think it is, El didn't leave MW alone for five days out of cruelty or indifference. He did it because he was still taking care of Eddie who was recovering from a pretty intense consolidation.

Seven iterations for only one night may not seem like a lot but Eddie had to do a lot of pretty horrible shit to people he does in fact still care for. His willingness to hurt members of Base is not a reflection of his being cold or unfeeling, quite the opposite. It's a reflection of his commitment to his OverMike and to El. Killing Edgar, Mikey, and Michael was not something he did lightly. it was a means of leveling the playing field. And had MW (or Michael or Mikey for that matter) had a calculator on them, El and Eddie would've double crossed Ty in a heartbeat and just left with MW without bothering to send Mike to the compound. None of this was inevitable.

Cocking his head to the side, MW furrowed his brow in false confusion. “You ain’t gonna correct this?” El looked around at the mess and shook his head. “No. It’s not worth it. It’s not like any real harm was done.”  He knew that El would want MW to remember this exchange, to remember patching El up. More than likely he also wanted MW to remember accidentally hurting El, knowing he’d feel guilty every time he saw the bandage.  And he would. He knew he would.

Because we're in MW's perspective in this scene everything is viewed through a fog of suspicion. This assumption on MW's part that El wants MW to feel guilty for accidentally hurting him is just a conclusion that MW jumps to. Of the two of them, it's really MW who is attempting emotional manipulation.

El certainly wants MW to love him but El isn't some Disney villain here. He isn't trying to manipulate MW into feeling guilty.

This is a man who knows his minutes and seconds are numbered. He's not going to issue corrections and shorten his lifespan for anything he deems unnecessary. He's already lost time with MW, he isn't about to lose any more unless it's absolutely necessary.

And he certainly doesn't want to add to MW's sense of guilt especially when he knows MW's tendency to take on responsibility for things even when he is objectively not to blame. Remember El and Eddie have been listening to a lot of surveillance, they'd be pretty damn familiar with MW's habit of blaming himself.

The entire next scene MW is very deliberately and intentionally trying to manipulate El. El for his part is pretty open and honest with MW. Yes he is keeping MW in the basement and yes he'd holding him against his will.

But El isn't being coy. He isn't putting on an act. He believes that he is rescuing MW from Base and that in time MW will see that on his own. El doesn't need to justify his actions because Base literally kidnapped all the OverMike escapees and forcibly reconsolidated them and then forced the resulting iteration to work for Base. Even Mike, who desperately did not want MW to end up dead and fought for his survival, would have had to stand by and let Michael kill MW had he proven to be disloyal. El knows this. MW knows this.

So when MW does things like this:

El smiled softly down at MW and shook his head. “I was just going to grab the comforter from your bedroom so that we don’t have to share,” El assured him.  When MW didn’t let go of El’s wrist El raised his eyebrows in inquiry.  MW bit his lip, not sure if he should press his luck but the wine at dinner had made him bold, so he said, “What if I want to share?”

It's not difficult to see why El might believe that MW is actually falling for him. Especially given El doesn't know that as far as MW is concerned, his Edgar is dead.

The real flaw here for El is that he truly doesn't understand that MW has divorced himself from who he was, from the selves that ran away from OVER. And MW recognizes that in order to trick El into believing that he has fallen back in love with El, he is going to need to bring those memories to the surface. He takes off the cowboy hat because he can't be his authentic self with El and Eddie. He needs to play a part.

When El brought a hand up to MW’s wrist and ran a thumb along the beaded bracelet there MW startled and pulled back, Matt's laughter suddenly in his ear. Matt eyes softening with tenderness as he watched MW give Delilah a piggy back ride, pretending to be her horse.

I really liked the idea that MW was willing to part with the hat but he couldn't let go of the bracelet from Delilah. I've used the bracelet before as something that tends to anchor MW and give him strength and I felt like it was something he'd use to help keep him focused. Much like how El and Eddie didn't take pleasure in slaughtering members of Base, it's not as if MW takes any joy in manipulating El and the bracelet is a reminder of what MW is trying to get back to, what he hopes is still waiting for him.

I think it's also important to note that in a way MW hasn't given up on the dream of a idyllic life, it's just changed. He's committed to Base and more specifically Satellite Base, but that commitment has less to do with Base's vision and more to do specific relationships (Matt, Delilah, Latvia Mike, Walt, Michael, and yes, even Mikey). And I think El might be more aware of that than MW is himself.

When El brings up that it's extremely convenient for Base that MW and Matt got together, and more specifically that Michael may have been playing matchmaking specifically to firm up MW's allegiance to Base, El genuinely believes that is possible and even likely. He isn't saying that to manipulate MW, he's saying it because he wants MW to think critically about what Base has done and what the lengths they may have gone to keep MW loyal. It's not true, but that doesn't mean El is lying, it just means he's jumped to the wrong conclusion.

I wasn't originally planning to shift back to El's POV at all for the rest of the chapter after the opening section. But I worried that El playing the recording of some iteration of Michael and some iteration of Future Matt from some unknown timeline would come across as cruel and manipulative. And while it is those things, that was not El's intention. Once again El wants to unburden MW of his guilt. MW has been manipulating El into thinking that MW is falling for him. If that were true, of course MW would feel guilty about dating Matt.

Does it benefit El that it also paints Michael in a bad light? Sure! Absolutely. El isn't the virgin mary, he's a human being with complicated motivations, but he is, primarily trying to alleviate MW's guilt and make it clear that he doesn't blame him. If that evidence also happens to drive a wedge between MW and Michael? All the better. El absolutely would prefer it if MW distrusted Base.

So I added a scene where El and Eddie discuss this misstep because I wanted to make sure the readers understood that it wasn't intentionally callous, it was impulsive.

Michael straightened up again and slapped MW’s on the back. “Come on, we’ll grab the calculator and go back to last week and place the order. We do it right, it should be at Early Base by tomorrow at the latest.” MW raised his eyebrows in a playful taunt. “Don’t think Mike would approve of us using the calculator for the purposes of avoidin’ shippin’ fees, Michael.” Michael grinned and winked at MW. “Well, that’s why you ain’t gonna tell him.”

I wrote this scene a while back, completely unaffiliated with any specific chapter. It was kind of an exercise in figuring out Michael and MW's dynamic within my series.

I felt like this was a good place to include it because it's been a quite a few chapters since we've seen Michael and MW interact and after the audio that El played for MW, I wanted to remind the readers just how far the relationship between Michael and MW had come. Because Mike and Michael being together had a huge impact on Michael's view of himself and on his ability to be vulnerable.

I wanted to remind readers that the Michael in this series had genuinely worked towards a relationship with MW and that it was motivated by his love for Mike, not out of some calculated desire to force MW to work for Base. Yes it's imperative to Michael that MW be loyal but that does not necessitate Michael going out of his way to establish and authentic and caring relationship with MW. If that's all he wanted he could simply do what Michael did in canon and put the fear of god in him and expect obedience.

MW rubbed at his face as he digested this information, both to help himself think clearer and to hide whatever emotions were flying across his face. So Edgar 1 wasn’t Mustardseed because Edgar 0 didn’t really become Mustardseed until after Edgar 1 had already been iterated. Fine. MW had no idea how much of a difference that made given the guy had later gone on to shoot Mikey and Michael point blank in front of the Mikes but he’d have to sort through that later. 

I'll be honest, I included this mostly because I wanted to remind the readers just what Edgar 1's (who later adopts the name Eddie) origins.

But it's also a huge moment for El. He is handing MW information that could absolutely be weaponized against Eddie, so this is a huge show of trust. And for El this is a leap of faith.

“So you two are plannin’ to save his husband?” MW asked, looking down at his feet as he thought.  “Not—not exactly .” El sounded nervous again and MW pinned him with a glare.  “Explain,” MW snapped.  El shifted where he stood, looking really nervous now. “You aren’t going to like it.”

So I know the common belief in canon is that Edgars don't buy into iterative personhood, but I personally have always read it as more complicated than that. I don't think Edgar's perspective matches Ty's for example. I think for Edgar it's much more nuanced. Because Edgar has shown a preference for specific iterations of Mike Walters throughout the series and this makes some sense. All the Mikes may be his "Mikey Bear" but when it comes right down to it we don't see Edgar recusing Michael from the compound. But we sure do see him rescuing Mikey in Rugby.

So when El presents the plan to MW, he understands that iterating OverMike and saving OverMike are not the same thing and I don't think he's saying this for MW's benefit, I think he genuinely understands why it's different and agrees that it's different.

I think for Edgars, in their mind just because they view them all as the same person doesn't mean they aren't individually important. The way I write Edgars, their willingness to sacrifice one iteration in order to save another is less about iterations being disposable and more about saving the people you can. This is actually much closer to the Mikes Walters' (species) own philosophy.

Michael, after all, is willing to sacrifice most of Base if it means saving Edgar (Double Knot). And in season 13 Mikey saves Stinky because he's in front of him and suffering and more importantly Mikey has the means to save him. But Mikey allows many many other iterations to die. That is not because Mikey suddenly has disavowed iterative personhood, but rather that he is simply saving the iterations he can save and sacrificing the ones he can't.

Edgar and the Mikes may disagree about being different people but I think in many ways they agree more than they don't.

I also think it's likely that as OvEdgars who've been mistreated by Base, El and Eddie likely have shifted closer to the Mikes viewpoint on iterative personhood even if they haven't fully converted so I definitely am coloring that into their iterations.

“You two doing okay?” El asked over the earpieces. “Everyone behaving themselves?” MW let out a beleaguered sigh and glanced over at Eddie who wriggled his eyebrows at him. “Yeah, we’re fine El,” he grumbled.   Eddie patted MW’s knee making him practically jump out of his skin. 

I had so much fun writing Eddie. As the older iteration, I write him a bit more playful and having more of a dry wit than El. I was thinking about how Michael tends to be more irreverent than his younger iterations, especially in tense situations where they are looking to him to lead.

“It’s been—so long—” Eddie sobbed, slumping sideways now, leaning hard into El. “I’ve lost so much time with him.” And in that moment anger flared in MW at the injustice of it, his throat full of righteous rage. 

But I also wanted to show us just how much is at stake for Eddie and remind us that Eddie, like El, was deeply wronged. And it serves as a reminder to MW too and make Eddie a more sympathetic figure to him. That was important because up until now MW mostly knows Eddie as the iteration that slaughtered Edgar, Michael, and Mikey.

I thought it was important to show that Eddie is actively mourning not just OverMike's death, but the loss of time that he can never get back. Eddie can issue all the corrections you want but his body continues to age and time continues to march closer to his death date no matter what.

And MW doesn't deny that injustice. He feels it keenly.

“I left the calculator out,” El mumbled, sounding dumbfounded.  [...] “Why didn’t you use it to leave?” El asked him, moving towards him with slow, stunned steps.

I had been trying to think of a way that MW could signal his allegiance to El in a way that might fast track some increased trust on El's part. Being there for Eddie and supporting him was a start, but it didn't feel like enough.

I had a light bulb moment when I realized that MW having access to a calculator and not using it to escape would be a surefire way to shift things between El and MW. But I also couldn't see MW seeing a calculator out int he open and NOT try to use it to escape. So instead I set it up so that MW doesn't realize he could've used it until it's too late and play it off like it was a choice to El.

At a loss he tapped the speech to text button. For a moment he was speechless, images of Matt’s easy smile overwhelming him and then suddenly words were spilling from his lips.

Funny story. I wrote MW's entire message and then I turned on speech to text and read it out loud. So if you go back to the chapter where Matt receives this text message (Missing) you'll notice there's a slight difference. MW says "I am unharmed." But when I did the speech to text, it was recorded as "I am unarmed," so that is what Matt received in his text message! I also kept the punctuation that STT chose for the message that Matt received in that chapter.

“Look I think—if we’re gonna do another recon mission that involves watching OverMike’s execution—I think you should stay back and run the mission. Let me and El do the fieldwork this time round.”

This is mostly just me wanting to show that MW has real affection for El and Eddie. He hates what they've done and he is not interested in them romantically, but he absolutely cares about them and doesn't want to see them hurt.

I further try to reinforce that with how upset MW is when his idea to mark up the parking lot with sidewalk chalk fails.

“You know it’s okay that you and I are different from Eddie and OverMike, right? That it’s not a competition?” El asked softly, his hands coming up to cradle MW’s face. 

I knew that the introduction of OverMike to the safehouse was going to immediately complicate things for MW. For OverMike, nothing has changed, he wants to be with his Edgar and is thrilled to be reunited. OverMike blatant enthusiasm highlights just how hesitant MW is by comparison.

And of course El and Eddie are excited to induct OverMike into their polycule. I probably should've broken this chapter up into two (or three tbh) because I felt like I ended up having to rush things with OverMike. But The idea was that Eddie had essentially already been talking OverMike round about the polycule sitch while they were on their little vacay.

Now it seemed that Eddie and El thought the next step was to get OverMike and MW spending time together. So Eddie had taken MW aside that afternoon and told him that he and El would be spending some quality time together in the basement and that they’d see MW and OverMike in the morning.  He was a little affronted that Eddie and El had just up and claimed his room for their “quality time”. He knew it was the most out of the way spot in the house but up until that moment it had at least been his . El and Eddie may sleep down there with him but ultimately they both had their own rooms and on the rare occasions that he and El fought, El had always respected his requests to be left alone to cool down. 

I don't know that I really pulled it off but this was meant to show the increased level of trust that MW has garnered but also that MW himself is starting to feel a sort of ownership over his own space at the safe house. It's not that MW is any less eager to get out but he's also been in this situation for almost two months at this point.

“You can just call me Mike,” OverMike interrupted.  MW scrunched his nose and gave his head a little shake, “Nope I ain’t doin’ that. But like I was asking—”

I don't know why I felt compelled to make MW the one to insist that everyone pick a new name to go by but I sure did that. 😂

Uh, did—did El and Eddie not tell you that was the plan for tonight?” MW stared at OverMike bug eyed as flames of indignation engulfed him. “No, Walters, they most certainly did not. They said they were taking the night to themselves and I was to—” OverMike nodded and rolled his wrist in a gesture that was presumably meant to encourage MW to finish his sentence.  MW worked his jaw then growled, “—entertain you.” OverMike nodded, “Yeah.”

I really wanted to show MW sort of pushed to his limit. The guy is incredibly patient and has taken almost everything in stride (while silently dying inside). But i felt like if anyone could get MW to come apart and lose it a little, it would be another Mike Walters, most especially a Mikey iteration.

“Look, I learned early on that them two call the shots. If they say we’re supposed to fuck, then that’s what’s gonna happen eventually. So just tell me what you want Wally so we can get this part over with,” MW told him matter of factly. OverMike squinted up at him like he was trying to figure him out. “Come on,” MW said impatiently, snapping his fingers. “Top or bottom, Wally. I’m a switch so it's up to you.” OverMike gaped up at him and MW had to dig deep not to scream. He decided right then that Wally was the perfect name for this OverMike. 

This is MW just truly coming unraveled at this point. He just fully tapped out and trying to get through this so he can get to the other side.

But of course, the Mike Walters vibe check is a thing and they may be different people but OverMike immediately clocks that something is off. And as much as OverMike is kind of excited about the idea of being with an iteration of himself he is able to spot what El and Eddie couldn't which is that MW is immensely uncomfortable with all of this. Not just OverMike, but all of it.

Something in MW’s chest wobbled loose and his breath hitched. “I—” But his chest stuttered again.  OverMike raised his brows in concern and stood up. “Hey, come here, buddy,” he murmured and pulled MW into a hug.  His throat ached from holding back tears and he melted against OverMike, letting OverMike hold him close.  “Hey, it’s okay buddy,” OverMike murmured gently. “I got you.”

It's the first time in weeks that MW feels really truly seen and that is dangerous and terrifying but also, god what a relief to just let go, just for a minute and be comforted. And my thinking was, OverMike hasn't been around other iterations of himself a whole bunch but he did spend a ton of time with Mikey, who did his best to save and protect OverMike. Mikey may have ultimately failed but OverMike was a recipient of that compassion and care all the same. And MW is an iteration of him who is right in front of OverMike and is suffering.

[MW] and El were taking a walk through the woods that surrounded the house. It was the first time that MW had been allowed to venture away from the back yard and a part of him couldn't shake the idea that his “successful date night” with Wally and his new woods strolling privileges were inextricably linked.

It's completely reasonable for MW to think that his "progress" with Wally and his roaming privileges are linked but it's also just... been almost two months and MW didn't try to run away when he and Wally were alone upstairs for a night. El and Eddie's trust in MW is just naturally growing. In fact El essentially says as much only a few paragraphs later:

“I love you,” El murmured as he leaned in to kiss him.  “I love you too” MW forced himself to mumble back.  “Calm down, Romeo,” El chuckled. “I’m not trying to rush you. I’m just—I’m really happy. And—” He shrugged. “I just feel like we’re in a good place.”

MW's tendency to view El and Eddie's actions as manipulative is understandable but oftentimes incorrect.

"I appreciate the apology but let’s put the metaphorical cards on the table. I would’ve run. In fact, the reason there were so many of you to consolidate is that I kept choosing to run. I just—lost the coin flip.” MW sighed and slumped back in his seat feeling a little hollowed out. He’d felt guilty about that for months and here Wally was shrugging it off. 

I really wanted to give MW a chance to apologize for all the OVER escapees leaving OverMike and Mustardseed holding the bag. And I loved giving MW this moment of realizing he was carrying this guilt around while Wally doesn't really blame him.

From Wally's perspective, he's won the metaphorical lottery this time. He's escaped Base, he's got his Edgar, he's even got the affection of another Edgar, and the freedom to figure out what he wants his life to be going forward. And to some extent Wally has MW to thank for that.

In a way Wally is in a position to do for MW what Mikey had done for Wally: help MW get free.

But much like Mikey doesn't stand up to his Edgar about OverMike, Wally takes a round about route to helping MW.

A note.  Heart racing, MW hurried to unfold it. He was met with his own handwriting.  Or Wally’s.  Under the kitchen sink behind the plumbing.  11 30 02  I hope you find him.

Eddie probably wouldn't choose to make his combination the number of surviving OvEdgars and surviving OverMikes but oh well. I found it kind of sweet since it kind of hints at his affection for both El and MW. The fact that MW gets his hands on that combination an immediately makes a break for it is a nice layer of bittersweet on top of it.

El stood in the doorway to the kitchen, his hair damp, wearing only his pants.  He held a gun.  MW’s chest stuttered, his shaky breath loud in the fracturing silence. El was staring at him, eyes wide with fear and disbelief. And Betrayal. 

Once again it's easy to think that upon finding MW no longer on the couch that El immediately jumped to the conclusion that MW was betraying them. But El got out of the shower to find MW missing from the couch where he'd been half asleep only minutes ago and heard a huge ruckus in the kitchen as MW essentially tossed around everything that was underneath the kitchen sink. Given that El, Eddie, MW, and Wally are on the run and fearful of Base's retaliation (and are aware that SOMEONE out there is hunting down OvEdgars and OverMikes), El grabs the gun to protect MW, Eddie, and Wally. He is stunned to find that it's MW.

At no point does El attempt to fire at MW and El, like all Edgars, is an excellent shot. If he wanted to wound or take down MW, he could. Hell, he could have shot MW and then issued a correction using his own calculator. El isn't doing that for a reason.

When he opened his eyes El was standing above him, tears streaming down his cheeks, his face twisted with agony.  “Why?” he whispered desperately. “I don’t understand.” MW just shook his head, hopelessness robbing him of his voice.  Anger and hurt seemed to suddenly explode from El as he shouted, “Why?! Why, M? Why would you do this? We had everything, we had our whole lives in front of us. We were finally free together. We had everything we always wanted.”

This is really the moment we get a glimpse of how this really looks to El. None of it makes sense for him. He's moved heaven and earth to save MW from being forced to work for Base, and El is correct when he's said in the past that working for Base means that MW can never be safe. El is trying to save the man he loves, not imprison or coerce him. And over the past couple months MW led El to believe that he wants this, that this is still their shared dream. El has had no reason to suspect otherwise.

MW took a shuddering breath. “A part of me wishes I could’ve loved you, but El, my Edgar died. He was blown to pieces in a car explosion. I grieved for him. I mourned him. I had to accept that he is and always will be lost to me.”

In IRP MW and Micahel are the few Mikes Walters to do the grown up thing and mourn their partners' passing and try to move on and make a life for themselves.

When he opened his eyes El was looking down at the calculator, punching in coordinates as he wept and sniffed. Terror surged in M then as the icy cold waters of the pacific ocean flooded his imagination and he opened his mouth to beg for a bullet. But then El looked up at him and said, “I love you,” and pressed the final button.

I was very torn when writing this last paragraph. A part of me wanted MW to realize just how wrong he'd been about El this whole time. But I don't think it made sense for him to be able to see El's perspective here. I think it's something he could only really do over time once he's out and free to reflect on it.

I very nearly ended the chapter there since we already know that MW makes it home. But for all that this chapter is a tragedy for El, it's also an odyssey for MW, and it felt incomplete to bow out before showing Matt and MW's reunion from MW's perspective. And MW may have been emotionally manipulative but just like all of El's actions were motivated by love, so to were MW's. Neither El nor MW wanted to hurt the other. It was just an irreparable situation and a tragic one for them both.

And after everything that MW had endured, I wanted to end the chapter with Matt telling him exactly what MW needed to hear:

“I’m here, Teddy Bear,” Matt murmured against his cheek. “We never gave up on you.”

[joulethieves]

You still doing the BalVaan number game? If so, 69.

send me a number 1-100 and i will post an excerpt from my tumblr drafts of mostly balvaan WIPs

hello friend! ty for the follow and nice to meet you! and ty even more for the ask :) for #69 you get some virginity loss...this was probably written in 2018, i should get back into it. i miss writing these two fucking, ugh. they're so magnetic, their chemistry is beyond beyond (i also wrote...so much more after this, i just should finish this huh)

“If I may interrupt,” Balthier murmurs against Vaan’s lips, the press of his thumb teasing Vaan’s chin as he tilts him away slightly, “There is one rule to this little experiment.” When Vaan just blinks at him dumbly, Balthier continues with one inarguable condition: “If at any point you wish to stop, you will say so, and I will.” He punctuates it with a tilt of his head, eyes locked onto Vaan’s.

His response is yet another bruising kiss, and when Vaan parts he merely grins. “I’m not gonna change my mind,” he says, and Balthier is distantly aware that Vaan’s hands are still stuttering along his torso in a growing curiosity. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“Most who have gotten this far with me don’t,” Balthier muses with a tilt of his head, “but it doesn’t hurt to clarify.” He tucks a strand of hair behind Vaan’s ear before teasing the lobe softly with his finger. “Especially considering you are the type to throw yourself into something without knowing the risks.”

“Risks?” Vaan asks, settling against Balthier’s torso. It is oddly fitting the way his body contours to Balthier, and oddly unsettling how comfortable it feels. The pirate rests his hand on the small of Vaan’s back, to tease the elastic waistband of his night-slacks.

Vaan props himself over Balthier with his elbows on either side, head tilted. 

“You can’t take this sort of thing back, you know,” Balthier hints with a knowing raise of his brow. He remembers his first time with a man; he was no older than Vaan, enamored and dreadfully curious of a senior at the Akademy. Likely the fop is but a senator now, seated with his (rather fine) ass in a cushy chair among noblemen, but it had been a good lay nonetheless. And although he wouldn’t take it back, he can’t exactly walk away in good faith from this while knowing Vaan would have any sense of regret.

 It is no mystery the Dalmascan is madly starry-eyed for him; he’s known it since the moment Fran said “sky pirate” in the damned sewers months ago. But that does not mean he can go around swiping virginities here and there. That’s not the kind of thief he is.

But he won’t say no if such a lovely thing is offered. It is perhaps the Archadian in him, ever-lingering, that desires explicit clarification before such an investment is made.

“Is that it?” He rolls his eyes, a familiar gesture for such an unfamiliar position. “I wasn’t born yesterday. I know what I want.”

“Then say it,” Balthier cuts through Vaan’s argument like a blade to grass. He’s not the type to beat around the bush, no pun intended, and Vaan’s lithe body writhing against his is slowly starting to fray his wherewithal for negotiating.  “I want to hear you say it.”

It wasn’t meant to make Vaan shudder but he does, and Balthier feels Vaan’s hands curl around his shoulders. The little thief looks into his eyes and says, ever-indignantly, “Fine. I to have sex. With you.” And then the little chit dares to add, “And now.”

At this, Balthier’s lips curl into a grin, half-gentle and half-wicked. “Very well,” the pirate purrs, tracing lazy, idle circles on Vaan’s lower back with insouciant arcs of his wrist. The motion stops, however, when he dips his hand beneath the fabric there, to playfully squeeze the Dalmascan’s rear. “Then I suppose you can start by undressing me.”

With some reluctance, Vaan peels himself away from Balthier to slide down the length of the bed until he’s straddling either side of the pirate’s legs. He had thought earlier to perhaps remove his leathers in anticipation for Vaan’s visit, but thought it might be more fun to see the thief try and wrest him out of it first. 

Balthier watches Vaan’s eyes - they scan the expanse of the leather, the tightness hugging his thighs, and most importantly the bulge beneath it. His hardness from their earlier kissing has but faded, though the leather still strains against the suggestion of it: he’d happily return to that state if Vaan would simply earn it.

If it were Balthier, he would take his time; he would slide his hands up Vaan’s thighs, nuzzle the hardness there, lap at the leather with his tongue before unzipping his clothes with his very teeth. But where Balthier is a man of patience, Vaan is anything but. Thus, it doesn’t surprise Balthier when Vaan’s hands go right to the snaps of his pants, his eager hands working the buttons with a slight fumble.

“How d’you get these off?” Vaan mutters aloud, brow quirked. “I feel like I need a Lente’s Tear just to get in them.”

Balthier chuckles and hooks a finger through one of the belt loops before lifting his hips. “Watch and learn, if you care to do this again. I won’t be so patient next time.” But he says it good naturedly, and with a roll of his hips and a rustle of fabric, the trousers are tossed to the floor and Vaan hardly seems to give a damn about the predicament any longer.

The Dalmascan’s curiosity has stirred Balthier’s interest, and he lies back on the pillows, one leg bent and off to the side in a lazy lounge. He watches Vaan watch him, and can’t deny it makes him hard: to be stared at with such an open hunger, by such a comely little face. 

“Well?” Balthier goads, slipping his thumb beneath the waistband of his undergarments, just as form-fitting as anything else he owns. “You don’t expect me to do all the work around here, do you?”

Vaan swallows dryly and moves to pull off the remaining fabric keeping him from in between Balthier’s legs. That, at least, he’s capable of, and he slides them down slowly - and doesn’t even finish the damn job, leaving them half on his thighs before his hands grab something different altogether.

Cheeky little brat. But Balthier merely watches, content to be an audience for now, doted upon by the honest journey of Vaan’s hands learning his body. With short, slow strokes, Vaan’s hand moves along his flesh, coaxing it to a hardness. He watches Vaan switch from a stroke to a breathy skim, more experimental than deliberately teasing, as the pads of his fingers trace the ridge of Balthier’s cockhead, down the length of his shaft and up again. It’s kind of nice. Vaan surveys the length of him once, twice more, before again learning his girth with a gentle grip.

 Balthier relaxes further into the pillows against the headboard and enjoys this rare moment of privacy. Aside from the sound of Vaan’s hands on him, only that of the distant skystone hum permeates the Strahl as they dock idly over some patch of land in Tchita. 

Vaan learns the feel of Balthier and Balthier, in turn, learns the feel of Vaan. His touch is firm but the movement itself feels stiff, and so when it gets boring after a moment, Balthier shifts.

“Curl your hand on the upstroke,” he instructs, and Vaan glances up at him, as though he forgot Balthier was there, before nodding.

“Okay,” Vaan responds, as though Balthier were telling him instead how to steer the yoke on crosswinds over the Naldoan, and by the gods he somehow listens, and so Balthier rewards him with a small hum from the back of his throat.  A few more strokes, and then, it seems, Vaan grows bored as well. Balthier on one hand is perfectly content to be stroked by a nubile desert boy for a while longer but it doesn’t surprise him; at seventeen he imagines Vaan has done enough of that ilk and he came here to learn, not to rehearse. 

“Can I--?” Vaan asks, shifting. Balthier tries to ignore the flutter of anticipation. It’s been ages since he’s had any action and the thought of a mouth on his cock is exhilirating despite Vaan’s inexperience. In fact that sounds exactly like his idea of fun. 

“You may,” Balthier nods. He’s never granted permission to have his cock sucked before and it makes him all the more hard. “Just watch your teeth, if you would.”

“Duh.”

Distant magicite-light casts a soft glow across the room, painting them both in an aura of amber, and the light catches Vaan’s lips as he parts them to take Balthier in his mouth, slow and deliberate.

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour et bienvenue from Bar-sur-Aube where the weather is cloudy and 10c. The house is now back to the quiet place it was before, not that it was rowdy when my family were here but a girl of 4 years can chatter incessantly and I found myself worn out with having to think and talk so much. We spent a lovely time at Easter and it is a distant memory but my life here goes on and as always I keep myself busy.

Last Sunday, my new friend Maud, picked me up at 11:45 and drove me to a fantastic restaurant overlooking one of the lakes. It was a bitterly cold day so we hurried inside. I had already seen the menu online so had an idea of what I was going to eat, I was not disappointed “filet de bar” was delicious and we both chose strawberry and rhubarb crumble for dessert. It was amazing how we sat and chatted for over three hours, then took a walk alongside the lake, before returning “chez moi” for tea and cake. She left at 20:05 and I, for one, had had a wonderful day.

The remainder of the week saw me cutting grass, overseeding the grass (or as it may turn out, just feeding the birds), sorting out strawberry plants,raspberry canes (yes new shoots have appeared) I have added new compost with feed and am hoping for a bumper crop this year 😉. I planted peas, rocket, radish, lettuce and beetroot, the rocket and some radish are poking through 😳, the broad beans are coming on too. Three tomato plants have been potted up and as always I am hoping for great things. The gardens are full of colour from the tulips, daffodils, primroses, violas and cowslips (which are now appearing in the grass). I know I must sound boring, but it is these little things that bring so much pleasure into my life.

I had been to my knitting group with the French ladies, I am looking forward to the BBQ and also to the “fete” at a village outside town, where some of my knitted items will be on display and for sale. I am busy stitching up at the moment (the job I hate) I think that if I get the items all finished off I will enjoy whatever I knit or crochet next. I return to knitting with the refugees this coming week, on a different day, but hopefully my ladies will be available.

I am having the mega video call this afternoon, with my friends in Bristol, we will be discussing my upcoming visit to the UK. In the almost 60 years since Star Trek was first aired, I really do wish someone had found the way to “beam me up, Scottie” it would make travelling so much more fun 😂. I think it will be aeroplane one way and train the other, the thought raises my stress levels (which is not good for the old “ticker”). Anyway more on that in the next few weeks.

The “Trainee Solicitor” moved into his new home on Friday. When I say moved, I use the word lightly, as it is a bit like camping……. He is hoping that his furniture (stored at his father”’s house) will be delivered soon 🤔. I have to admit the house is absolutely beautiful. There are still jobs to be done but what has been done is stunning. He had a decorator in painting the staircase and he noticed that the second bedroom had no carpet on the floor. He said that he had a piece of carpet which he felt would be big enough for the room, it had been laid previously but was in very good condition, I think he is bringing it over today 😊.

Todays piece of poetry is “On the World” by Francis Quarles (1592-1644)

“The world’s an inn; and I her guest.

I eat; I drink; I take my rest.

My hostess, nature, does deny me

Nothing, wherewith she can supply me;

Where, having stayed a while, I pay

Her lavish bills, and go my way.”

E

So having stayed with you a while, I will bid you all adieu and take the time for my walk this morning plus go and “talk to my plants”.

Jusqu’à le semaine prochaine.

[allys-diary]

stories i om-nom-nom'd :: april 2024 to july 2024

As always, spoilers, thots, and thoughts below the cut. There's so much that I probably missed because it's months worth of backlog (I kind of forgot that I was doing this lol whelp--), but I'll include as much as I remember

movies

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare – 3/5

Honestly took me a bit by surprise that I enjoyed watching this considering how long I've been putting off watching it, but honestly I was all the way here for watching an unhinged Cavill character. Would definitely watch again

Fast X – 4/5

In that same vein of unhinged characters, I've added this movie to my list of 'comfort watches' purely for unhinged Momoa. Kinda funny how these two movies have the common denominator of Alan Ritchson and yet he wasn't the reason for either of these watches. Loved him in Ungentlemanly Warfare, hated him here. Like I would gladly break my hand punching Aimes' smug face in levels of hate 🥴

Deadpool & Wolverine – 4/5

Minus one star for creating a story that's got TVA as a central setting and having the gall and wherewithal to not include Loki. But overall a damn good time for anyone that's been a fan since pre-MCU Marvel. It felt so good seeing [redacted] and [redacted] again, and it's about damn time that we finally got to see [redacted] as [redacted]. Ohh and one more thing: They totally fucked in that Honda Odyssey. Argue with the wall.

books

𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐲 𝐀𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭 – 4.5/5 (review here)

A mafia arranged marriage story where MMC Calix gets exiled from the six families and he comes in guns blazing to crash the re-arranged wedding so that he can claim the bride that was meant to be his all along. Enjoyed reading this story and seeing just how much of a simp that Calix was for FMC Thalia, and only because this was already marketed as a dark romance am I alright with the depictions of some of the way she was ✨devoted✨ to his wife. Had this been a contemporary romance with nothing to have indicated we were in dark romance territory, I would've been screaming for her to run for the hills, change her name, and make sure he can never find her again. But also reading through this and seeing Thalia steadily come into her own power was just so satisfying, and knowing that the likelihood of the sequel ever getting released is slim to none just makes me a little sadder on the inside because I really would have loved to go back to this couple and see where their story takes them. Maybe if I pspspspspspsps hard enough the sequel will happen

𝐀𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐭 𝐑𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐀𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐠𝐞 – 2.75/5 (review here)

Honestly nothing more to say except it could have (and should have) been longer. That ending was so rushed I still get whiplash thinking about it.

games

Delicious: True Love

Stage 5, Day 8: Emily's finally told Francois about what happened in Paris and now he's going to be the messenger for every friend they have that's been curious about her tour around the world to reunite with that piece of work Jean-Paul. Patrick stops by to tell Emily that Angela's husband Jimmy (another piece of work, but we'll get there soon enough) put in a preferences request for the flower deliveries from Patrick's shop, and a mystery woman calls him off to a family dinner, which puts a new damper on Emily's mood.

After the restaurant closes, Emily receives a care package from Amelie, containing a little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower, and Jean-Paul's letter, which sends her into another crying spell. Patrick walks in as this is happening, trying to pep talk himself into telling her how he feels, but he backs off and just leaves a rose by her hand, wishing her a good life. Must. Resist. Urge to bonk heads together.

Stage 5, Day 9: Emily's having a crisis over realizing that she has feelings for Patrick, and Francois reveals that the mystery woman from the day before is Katie…Katie O'Mally. Patrick's sister. Evelyn is once again as nosy as ever (we'll also get to her later). Angela stops by and basically goes the telling not showing route that Patrick was practically made for Emily and also has had it bad for her since always. She then completely gifts the puppy that's been staying at the restaurant to Emily, saying something about Jimmy being allergic (pressing X so hard to doubt), and now we have Rosie the pup.

Stage 5, Day 10: Emily's gone down the "I'm so stupid I blame myself" route with every question she shouts into the void being answered by one of Rosie's arfs, and decides to stop by Patrick's place so she could confess at the end of the day. Francois reveals that the day before was Patrick's last day in Snuggford and he's left for New York, making Emily so frustrated with herself for waiting for so long and ripping the letter that started it all to shreds.

Then Patrick shows up and confesses, and we get a cutscene of a scrapbook of their memories together where they're being all cute and in love, ending with a photo of Patrick proposing. After that, we have a post-credit scene that would make Deadpool proud with its fourth wall break, consisting of Patrick and Emily in her apartment, eating the chocolates he brought to her.

And that's it for the story of Delicious: True Love, now it's on to Delicious Wedding…but first we have a bonus stage to get through and hoo boi…

Stage 6: Francois' Place: This bonus stage covers the entirety of Emily's time away from the restaurant, where we play as Francois and get a glimpse of exactly how insufferable some characters are. Evelyn leaves a metric ton of messages for Emily which is why her suitcase is filled to the brim with them when she gets to Paris, even making Francois place in calls the day she made a deal with Emily's father Edward that she won't leave a thousand and one messages for their daughter, so she could seem like she held up her end of the deal.

And she goes into overdrive when the news about the volcano eruption breaks because, and I quote, "Emily might need her advice". On what, Evelyn? How to survive a volcanic eruption and ash fall? The fuck would you know about that? Chances are she'd just ask her point blank if there are any cute rescuers around, be so fucking for real right now.

Then we get to Jimmy and goddammit I want to smack a 2d fictional character around until my hand gets digital paper cuts 😤 One of the stage's side missions involved giving him and Angela every single order they ask for, and he has the whole grain audacity to go "Eh, I've had better" after claiming the 'friends & family discount' that is not, should not, and must never be a thing. Then he tries to get into a fight with Francois because "the pancake he ordered never arrived" and…bitch we gave you at least 10. Francois' cat Snuggy then proceeds to attack Jimmy but ends up falling into an open manhole and finds himself meowing and yowling under the floor of the restaurant.

Jimmy then gets a genius idea to, and I shit you not, tear up the floor in the middle of the restaurant to attempt saving the cat. And just as he does, surprise surprise, the cat finds his way out the manhole the same way he got in. And then Emily comes home less than an hour after the floor was destroyed, and the events of Stage 5 commence.

If OG story Evelyn has zero haters, I am dead. And it's about to be the same for Jimmy, but for that we're gonna have to go to Angela's story, which is right about…now-ish.

Fabulous: Angela's Sweet Revenge

This is an extremely short game that only has 4 days, which I honestly think is one of GHOS' mistakes, because come on guys…if you want your consumer base to pay for a game, it doesn't matter if it costs less than the others, paying for four stages looks and quacks like a cash grab. It's like they really said "Let's make a prologue game" and really made it a fraction of a fraction of their usual full-length games.

Day 1: The story starts with Angela sobbing on the phone, with Emily on the other end, begging her sister not to tell their mother about what happened yet. Angela's friends then visit her in her apartment and she starts to tell the story of how she injured her foot while working for her boss Yum-Mee (I'm not kidding, this is the woman's name…findings pending on whether that's her government name). And this is how we get into the game proper, good ol' flashback style.

The flashback starts with Angela making a new dress for the boutique that Yum-Mee quickly messes up by shortening the skirt to show more leg, which Jimmy completely supports because "he likes seeing legs on a woman" (Hey Jimmy news flash…the legs are still there if a woman's wearing a long skirt, you goddamn shifty eyed horndog). And then when a customer asks "where Angela's beautiful long dress went", Yum-Mee turns the tables and goes "See? I told you you shouldn't have cut it". When I tell y'all I wanna cut a 2d fictional cartoon bitch--

Jimmy then hypes up some surprise for Angela and she thinks it's a vacation because it's their wedding anniversary…turns out it's a new sun roof for his car. More than that, Jimmy is extra protective over his phone (gee I wonder why), and then he offers Yum-Mee a ride home under the guise of "Maybe I can talk to her about giving you a raise". And a cop drives by telling Angela to "remind the couple that drove off next time they park on the sidewalk, he'll have to arrest them".

Sing it with me now, y'all…I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending.

Day 2: One of Angela's customers Sally recalls how she discovered her ex husband was cheating on her doing something named "The Coffee Trick". Spill coffee on pants, have husband give you pants to clean, swipe phone from pants before cleaning, give back clean pants without phone. And this kicks off our side mission for this day when Angela does exactly this, checking on the messages that come in whenever they ring, and wouldn't you know it, it's from Angela's boss, Yum-Mee. And Jimmy also mentioned that he's supposed to meet Yum-Mee at the boutique to drive her home again.

Meanwhile the devil and angel on Angela's shoulders are fighting because the devil's jumping to all the right conclusions based on what the evidence is showing, including a message from Yum-Mee thanking Jimmy for "taking her all the way home" the night before, and the angel is…for lack of a better word…a nitwit optimist. Wants to see the best in people even when they're walking talking filth.

If Jimmy has zero haters, I am dead. If Yum-Mee has zero haters, I am dead. And if the angel on Angela's shoulder keeps on going "Maybe it's not what it seems", I'm about to have beef with a 2d fictional imaginary cartoon angel.

Day 3: Yum-Mee springs a whole list of tasks for Angela to finish the next day because there's a VIP Event that she failed to mention until the absolute last minute (probably because she's getting cheater husband pipe), and Angela tells Sally that Jimmy didn't come home the night before because "he was at poker".

At the end of the shift, Angela proves to girlboss harder than her boss could ever dream of girlbossing and finishing the list of tasks she put off until the last day, and Jimmy stops by to tell her that he's not coming home tonight, either, because he "has to finish the poker game". Angela then baits Yum-Mee by texting her from Jimmy's phone and she finally gets the confirmation that he's been cheating, the lil bitch knowing about the "poker" excuse and even calling him "pokerface". And now Angela's punched the angel on her shoulder in their imaginary face, and she's ready for revenge.

Day 4: It's the day of the VIP Event and Angela's got a whole plan to exact her revenge on both her bitch of a boss and her womanizing husband. First she cancels Yum-Mee's stylist for the event and 'steps up' at the last second to help her boss get ready, giving her a 'new moisturizer' that ends up making her itch to Hell and back because it speeds up hair growth. Along with a hair product that not only makes her itch, but also makes her lose clumps of her hair. Then Angela spreads bird seeds all over Jimmy's car to attract birds that'll be coloring his ride white.

Yum-Mee also makes it a whole struggle for us to get through the day because she takes up one of the fitting rooms for the entire day for her side mission.

When the guests arrive, Angela cuts up the curtain that Yum-Mee used to cover herself since she's such an advocate for showing off your legs. Jimmy then goes into a panic because the birds have ruined his car, and Angela reveals that she has his phone, calls him, "Pokerface", and he attempts to salvage whatever he could, getting him smacked by both women.

Angela then kicks him, which explains how she got the injured ankle, and the police officer from Day 1 writes him a ticket for parking on the sidewalk the way that overcompensating car bros with tiny ass pipis do. Angela, newly single, gets a ride on the back of the officer's bike.

We cut back to her friends in her apartment, and Angela reveals what might be the worst part in all this, as if things weren't bad enough already. She might be pregnant. That's where the story ends for this game, so I guess what's next is to head over to Fabulous Fashion Fever to see what's next for Angela.

Heart's Medicine: Season 1

I've started the Heart's Medicine series, which is a hospital themed time-management game following the journey of Dr Allison Heart. 60 levels with bonus stages and so much to collect and equipment to upgrade along the way.

Opening Cutscene: Dr John Summers tries to save a man's life in a road accident that Allison Heart comes across and she helps him out despite having zero experience in the medical field, relying purely on his guidance and vibes. They end up saving the man's life and this inspires her to become a doctor.

Level 1: Fast forward 6 years after the opening cutscene, Allison is now starting her residency at Little Creek Hospital. John gives her a quick rundown of the specialties she'll be doing a rotation on throughout the game, and then goes to his specialty, Diagnosis.

Level 2: Nothing much happens here story-wise. John just reassures Allison that she'll be staying a good long while at Little Creek if she wants to.

Level 3: Allison reports for her shift and brings in a batch of cookies to give to her coworkers. Here we get a glimpse of Dr McCoy, a pediatrician that seems to have quite the temper on him, picking a fight with John over a delayed delivery of vaccines. In his outburst, he knocks over the plate of cookies, scattering them all over the clinic, and giving us our side mission for this level.

Level 4: As far as plot goes, not much happened in this level. Allison reveals that she had to throw out the entire batch of cookies from the day before because of course she had to…they all ended up on the floor. And then Dr Grumpy -- I mean Dr McCoy -- goes into John's clinic and asks if there are any cookies left over from yesterday, having the macho male audacity to be testy when they look at him funny. Why're you looking for more cookies, McCoy? So you can knock 'em over all around the hospital this time?

Level 5: A severely injured man who tells us to call him "Dex" (pressing X to doubt tho that that's actually his name) walks into the clinic looking all kinds of run down, and John tells him that he's got a nasty staph infection and he should have come to the clinic a long time ago. This kicks off our side mission for this level, which is to tend to Dex's various wounds. At the end of the day John informs him that he needs to be admitted for further observation to which he vehemently refuses and walks (well, wobbles) away, insisting that he's just gonna pay his bill and take his chances. Something tells me he'll be back real soon…

Level 6: This day's rather uneventful as well. John's a bit late to the shift because he lost track of time while giving his son some advice, and he runs off as soon as shift's over so that he could go back to…giving his son advice…? Yeah no something tells me that's code for something else…

Level 7: A woman slightly younger than John named Robin walks into the clinic and they argue over a patient file that Daniel wants consultation for, and John seems to regress into childish ways literally pulling at the patient file to the point that the papers fly all over the clinic, making Robin just walk away. Putting the patient file back together is our side mission for this level, and once we do that, we're formally introduced to Dr. Robin Fisher, John's ex-wife and the head of surgery.

Level 8: Dex wobbles in to the clinic (told you he'll be back), and starts convulsing and showing that he's even worse than he was the last time he showed up. We have another side mission for this level and have to tend to his wounds, and once we're all done he once again insists that he doesn't need to stay for observation and wobbles out the clinic, giving both Allison and John the guarantee that they're never going to see him again and this is the last time that they need to "fix him". Something tells me he's gonna show up one last time…

Level 9: Plot-wise, this is uneventful again. Day starts off with Allison expressing that she's worried for Dex, and the day ends with her still visibly worried but she dashes off straight after the shift is over.

Delicious Wedding

Jumping right into the next chapter of Emily & Patrick's story, the game's opening cutscene is of the titular wedding, but Emily walks down the aisle with nary a Patrick in sight. And then a text screen of "Two months earlier…" HUH?! PATRICK WHAT THE HELL--

hoo deep breaths Ally trust the process trust the process…

Episode 1, Day 1: Patrick announces that his mother Brigid is visiting from Ireland and she's landing the next day, which has Emily's parents so excited and immediately shopping for a welcoming gift. Emily asks Patrick if he could tell his mom about the engagement in private because she tends to be…much. Patrick reassures his future wife that his mother will love her and be happy for them…eventually.

At the end of the shift, Emily goes dress shopping and we get to choose one of three dresses for her before telling the salesperson that she'll be back the next day with her mom to try the dress on. And then right after she leaves, Angela walks in to buy a dress for her first wedding anniversary (the game takes place before 'Fabulous: Sweet Revenge' but still…little bit much, Angela ooft). And she ends up choosing the same dress.

Episode 1, Day 2: Francois helps Emily tidy up the restaurant in preparation for Brigid's arrival while she sets up a welcome message at the door (which is our side mission for this level). When Brigid arrives, she immediately starts criticizing Emily, the restaurant, the welcome message, and intentionally 'forgets' her name, saying "Well I can't possibly remember since my baby boy has so many admirers back home".

I hate her already. Everything about her screams "bitter divorcee", and she reacts to the news of the engagement in typical boy mom fashion…"This is terrible news". And then cue our favorite bimbo (affectionate) Angela walking in with a "What did I miss?" moment.

Can we please have a supportive and non-overbearing non-helicopter mom in this story? I wanna actually cheer for a mom while playing thru this game ffs--

Episode 2, Day 1: The day starts with Brigid arguing that a June wedding will be a terrible omen on Emily and Patrick, which makes Emily start to consider a May wedding (even when Patrick reminds her that they were dead set on June literally yesterday). Then a spider showed up and freaked Brigid out even more that this wedding is "cursed" (are you sure you're not putting on an act to pretend like Emily's the "wrong" person for your son because you want him to marry someone you can control?) and she runs out of the loft apartment. Emily then receives a call that the wedding shop is closed for the day due to a moth infestation, making her concede that she'll have to try on her dream wedding dress the next day instead.

The day ends with Emily seeking advice from her sister on how she planned her wedding to future (and probably current, let's be real) sleazebag Jimmy and how to deal with mothers-in-law, basically implying that she was able to finesse her way into getting exactly what she wanted by getting her MIL to relent because Jimmy would bring up Angela's idea but passing off the idea as his own. Angela sweetie, the red flags were already in front of you.

Episode 2, Day 2: Snuggy falls into a manhole (again) and comes out covered in soot, making him look like a black cat when Brigid arrives at the restaurant. She declares him another omen and shouts that Emily's restaurant is cursed. Our side mission for this level is to clean and tend to Snuggy until he's all clean again.

After the shift ends we get Emily thinking about her dream wedding dress again, and Francois offering to help Emily plan out the wedding adjustments all in the name of tending to Brigid's superstitions. So now we officially have a Maid of Honor 🎉🎉

Episode 3, Day 1: The day starts with Patrick and Brigid picking out a tux for the wedding, and Brigid once again making the double-meaning statement of "perhaps you'll find what suits you best back in Ireland". And even going so far as to name drop one of his exes and going "Why'd you guys break up again?" I'm telling y'all I hate this bitch--

At the end of the shift, Patrick tells his mother that the reception will be held in the restaurant, and she starts grasping at straws again going "evil spirit" this and that. Cue Snuggy walking in with a crow and the bird pecking away at Brigid's head (well deserved), leading her to declare that she's never stepping foot in Snuggford ever again. I tell you, I have so much beef with a bunch of pixels it's not even funny. Like if anyone ever asks me why I don't want to get married I'm just gonna pull up a supercut of Brigid's "finest" moments and tell them I don't want something like that to be my MIL, alright??

Episode 3, Day 2: The day starts off showing that all of Brigid's antics have really gotten to Emily and now even she's starting to believe that their wedding is cursed. Patrick's consistently being a living breathing green flag and comforting his fiance and reassuring her that they're fine and the wedding's gonna be fine. They step outside and find that the pigeons have done their usual ✨window graffiti✨ which kicks off the side mission for this episode…cleaning the windows of bird caca. And also we unlock Francois' butterfly outfit and the Chapter's "entertainer" role.

When the day ends, we get another one of Brigid's "fine" moments where she literally goes "you missed a spot" after seeing a tired Emily wiping away at the windows. Patrick's water bucket falls and dumps water all over her head leading to Brigid going "another omen ohh no!" and once again grating at another one of my nerves. Emily brings Evelyn to the bridal shop to show the dress only to find out that it's been bought (dammit Angela) and she finally breaks down crying and going "Brigid is right the wedding's doomed".

istg Brigid when I catch u Brigid--

Episode 4, Day 1: The day starts off with Francois scratching away at lottery tickets "as a joke" since there's been a whole bunch of bad luck and he figures they're due some good luck around the corner. Turns out bro it wasn't that much of a joke because he won 5k. Whatever kind of luck he's got, I want some. I need some. I have incoming debts okay--

After the shift ends, Emily breaks down crying again (once more I am ready to throw hands at a bitch named Brigid), and Francois literally picks up his bestie to tuck her in and go "okay baby go sleepy time now". Meanwhile Evelyn is also ready to throw hands at a bitch named Brigid. Go Evelyn! Put that toxic ass boy mom in her place! 👏👏

Episode 4, Day 2: The day starts off with Brigid explaining why she believes the wedding (and Emily & Patrick's relationship in general) is cursed and it's because of the legend of Lady Mary. And in this explanation she basically calls Emily a commoner (honestly bitch, square the fuck up, where do you get off--). Evelyn mentions that the legend states if a couple throws a penny down some well then the "curse" will be lifted, and of course the bitchy boy mom doesn't accept that (but accepts literally every other part of the story, make it make sense). And this leads Emily to declare that she'll follow her mom's footsteps and toss a coin in herself. Brigid tries and tries to discourage her, but Evelyn's coming in clutch with everything Emily would need to pull it off, making the boy mom just go "harumph" and fuck off to who even knows.

Side mission for this episode is to sort through the boxes so that Emily can find that special coin, and the day ends with her getting said penny with Ireland as the next stop. Brigid tries adding more conditions for this superstitious ritual and seems visibly pleased at the end when Evelyn realizes that there's no way for Emily to get to Ireland, drop the coin, and get back in time for the wedding. I am a broken record at this point. I. Hate. Brigid. Put it on a t-shirt.

Undercover: Blood Bonds

Chapter 12: Vera confronts Sam at Smokin' Wheels and they get into it before he storms off, Hank side eyeing her and advising her that next time he'll talk to the suspects. He's got a way with people. At the end of the shift, Vera comes back to her apartment and Bluejay made dinner and cleaned, talking about how she couldn't get the 'big red stain' out. Vera tells her that it's her sister's blood, then suddenly she's lost her appetite 🥺

Chapter 13: Vera spots a suspicious looking character at Smokin' Wheels which kicks off the side mission of getting this mystery dude's orders in a timely manner so she gets to know more about him since he's a regular. Hank also reveals that Jericho's been sniffing around Bluejay since she seems to be his type. At the end of the shift, we get a flashback of Lilly and Sam where he knocks over a lamp after she storms off insisting that she doesn't want to get back together with him.

Chapter 14: Gabe reveals that there were no foreign fingerprints found, implying that there was no foul play and that Lilly likely knew her assailant and never saw the attack coming. Gabe implies that he's suspecting Lilly's ex Sam more and more. Side mission for this level is to make sure that Sam doesn't leave the bar until Gabe gets there, and he maintains his mega sus behavior when he goes "you snitched on me!" go Vera. Like bro…snitched on you about what? The "nice guy" mask is really slipping there

Chapter 15: A breakthrough comes in the form of a heavily hungover Bluejay who shares that despite not having drank too much the night before when she went and "hung out" with Jericho at a new club, she doesn't feel 100%…and from the looks of it she barely even felt 50%. She mentions that she heard some people talking about Lilly and pointed Vera in the direction of Club Inferno, unlocking a new location in the game. Side mission for this level is to tend to Bluejay's hangover by serving her some fries. And at the end of the shift, we complete the flashback from two levels ago revealing that while Sam might be the "nice guy" stereotype, he really is just a sap because the end of his "threat" was "none of them love you like I do". Sorry bro, your flag still looks pretty fucking red to me, I mean you still knocked over her lamp for what?

Chapter 16: The level opens up with a flashback of Vera giving Lilly some shit about how she's been dressing and Lilly calling her sister a "shrew" because…you know what? I'm getting older, I'm gonna chalk this off to whatever remnants of teenage angst Lilly still had in her. I have to admit, though, her outfit actually kinda hits and I'd have worn it in my college years if I had the body for it, but that's neither here nor there. Vera dresses in a similar way to Lilly in that flashback and applies for the job opening in Inferno. Jericho (like clockwork) immediately puts the moves on her and showers her with compliments after her first shift.

Chapter 17: Level opens up with Ash (Inferno's manager) giving Vera a rundown on how their clientele has "refined tastes" and how highly they value their privacy, along with giving her a drink that looks like he did some blood magic on it like it was literally glowing before he handed it to her. The shift ends with Jericho asking Ash if he's already "bewitched" Vera, confirming that yes…he definitely did some magical juju to that drink earlier. Vera comes home to find Hank making some soup for Bluejay since she passed out at the club earlier that day, and him asking her what the deal with the wig is.

Chapter 18: Level starts with Jericho flipping his lid over the delivery boy being a few hours late and using some glowy red eyes voodoo on him to spook the poor dude, ohh and also threatening to "rip his spine out bone by bone" if it happens again. And naturally our side mission for the level…receiving deliveries. At shift end, Jericho asks Ash if he's been "fulfilling his duties" because Vera doesn't seem all that bewitched, and tells the manager to "do it again". Ends with Ash giving Vera another sus looking drink that's looking more and more like blood the more I squint my eyes

Chapter 19: We get a flashback of Ash giving Lilly the same blood looking drink from when she worked at Inferno to give us a bit of a parallel on how he's making Vera drink it now. After shift end, Hank warns Vera about how this could end badly if she keeps investigating since she wants to see what's in those delivery boxes that Jericho was so antsy over

Chapter 20: Side mission consists of rifling through various drawers while juggling customer orders to find something Vera could use as a lock pick, and the chapter ends with her getting into the backroom and finding a fridge full of blood bags before Ash finding her and going "You shouldn't be in here". Omg I knew it--

Chapter 21: Vera manages to lie her way out of being caught by Ash, making an excuse about needing to find ice, but he shares his suspicions with Jericho and mentions that there was someone before who was immune to bewitchments…could that be Lilly? This is also the level we get a new game mechanic in the form of the chalices, which are a finite resource we have to refill by going to the backroom every time they start running low.

Yes…yes the regulars are downing blood

Chapter 22: Flashback to when Lilly told Vera about her job and Vera was…less than enthusiastic about her little sister working at a nightclub and does the predictable "adult mistake" of going "you should get a rEaL jOb" which leads to some choice name calling and a sister smack (the sincerest fuck you to James Charles for singlehandedly ruining the word "sister" for me, but this is the only way I could put it). At shift end, Vera's back in her apartment and starts pushing Bluejay away when she starts offering help. Honestly I think Vera's got a nasty habit of self-sabotage…which honestly? same 🫠

Delicious World

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 9: This is a Frank & Monet centric cutscene where Frank accidentally knocks over his bb's latest creation and tries to salvage it, leading to Monet having more of a crisis over what he's been creating because even after dropping the dish onto the ground and no doubt tasting like the ground, Leroy still gave him top marks for his "interpretation of the deconstruction of the vineyard experience" or some other highfalutin avant garde nonsense 🙃

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 10: Jean-Paul reassures Emily that they won't get caught and jeopardize her position in the show even with the ever-vigilant Sarah hellbent on finding some way to destroy her. And right as he said that, Leroy comes a-knocking asking if he could come in. Emily hides in the bathroom but turns out that that's exactly what Leroy needed right that second because his stomach started acting up after eating literal dirt off the ground. Jean-Paul tries to dissuade him leading to them going to Monet's trailer, and the last thing we see here is the back windows to both trailers' bathrooms opening up, and Emily's and Frank's heads poking out. 🫢

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 11: Emily and Frank have some chaotic besties moment where they're both going "Why didn't you tell me?" and reveal to each other that they don't actually know what they are in their respective relationships. Frank believes he's just fooling around with Monet because the chef needs a distraction from his identity crisis, and Emily's unsure of what even Jean-Paul's connection to Shuvani is, so she's hesitant to put a label on anything. Frank ends up suggesting she talk to Sarah to get some answers. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Season 2, Episode 3, Part 12: Emily ends up taking Frank's advice and tries talking to Sarah about her sister, seemingly hitting a nerve since she clammed up and bitched out about how "her sister's love life isn't any of her business". And also starts going in on Emily about how if she can find time to focus on other people's love lives, then she's not spending enough time thinking about the competition, and she really should because she's "beyond help". She had me in the first half, she really did--

[libidomechanica]

“And creeds that sleep, but because I make; when”

Thou were dried; she sweet is she with     coloured for love. She wonder thy nose of the tent of     Plumeria, and common sempstress smiled, she look’d sad the yells augment     without a stone—something herald, on which he by     industry had saved, especial

providence, ’ though the sand, and     finds me fast bound favorite customers. He cometh up from     my soul’s wark, and common that the art of June? Be dark rain:     in vain! Better planet that utterly be contemplate     there thy solitary

bard sits lonely vnto my verse, and     leaues, the avoidance is raking should wishing, will tell me     first thy waves, he rode between the passion ground bene thy     wit, and he may look so. In their face from Fear o God I     never I want. Of love

the martiall sport, gently heaven-     kissing so much I plighter spring—death I bought, a lifetime.     Then playnely to thee. And creeds that sleep, but because     I make; when softly in her head, by thy stately she weaves     looks be the air, and the

crowns and layen here the golden myne     dig deepe would not kill outright, thy store? Say it anything     down a Saturday night, and glances and freckled Chloe,     who hope, of course; still run after that helpen they’re not stop     my shiver’d in honde, that

freezing age, the sibyl’s den, so     that some way; and ocean much more secret oar and Hermon,     from dying in this perhaps a year i’d winds blown over.     Now the working through a rash one, of selfishness ample     why should be—you of

my moving something sorrow close;     by the time shall I not such pow’r, which is mortal stream, then     blowe you? Her cleare apart, or lonely moated by quick! She     sweet springs subdued to towers: the room she mountains, and     in twaine that have a breast,

are quite for the sky. In grace is     raking maid in a queer sorrows fresh aray? Unto us     wasted with thinken agayne to have obtaine so darke,     sincere there are alike in me, when I have caught we Diggon,     I am calling

you the joints of the lute autocrat     not a summer as long day; and you seized me a joke     about to say, where them sing: these you like foule leasing     earth will rob the leane soul love you thought him, like a glassy     countryes, with flow of tyrant!

Till Pan account of rest: low     like a pitteous niggard, without a sun thy visions rends     as he roll’d on a cursed beares, as that bindeth behind     that, she went up through the road runs not complain enough, and     whiskey, on the iolly

she says, Shalott. Than empires,     less foul as being pasture, my sin, ground: thoughts go from the     dead. When Love spend shifted in shade. Hath made a hundred be.     It may engage, and left to be lost the pain was very     glad love and forth by that

letter fitteth vs; leaue things;     but made to kill me, the nuptial knot, Sing lullaby now     also did Miss Protasoff the butchered lesson wherewith     them running the painted shell, is beauty and glory     like a flower of his

sharp scales, they meaning, fire particular     condition me of you ain’t neva have stinginess,     or I maintain thou canst thou hast sorrows, and blackens     grow old time, that conceit of longing. But ceased to know what     held each life and May? Which

I hardly my body’s fine golden     foot of the minister Lilia. Some sullen summer     as long pretzels drinking in most rude, I shall not felt     her time we should be the flying; give him, and still she broken-     headed monster priefe.

[epic-sorcerer]

Merlin would have been so much more gay if the writers stayed true to Celtic paganism(the historicaly accurate “old religion”)

Trigger warnings:

Main triggers: talk of sex, homophobia, religion, Catholics, colonization, anti Celtic, murder

Mention triggers: rape and sexual assault, creepy men, gore, insest, toxic masculinity

I will mark the sections with quick triggers with 2 red lines. Below the second one is when the trigger is gone.

_____________

I am posting this on December 21st, as today is the Winter Solstice, a Celtic Pagan holiday. It will be posted at 3:33 PM, as 3 is a sacred number among the celts. Because of the special occasion, I will be speaking on a subject that was important to many of them—homosexuality.

Some stuff first for introductions. Yes, yes, I know this may be boring but it helps with context. This religion didn’t have a name other than Celtic pagan or Celtic religion bc it seams everyone there believed it. This was until the Roman Empire concurred what is now the UK. Since Rome had adopted Christianity—more specifically, Roman Catholocism—they only allowed that religion to be practiced.

———(genocide)——

Once England was concurred in 43 A.D, the pagans were killed and their religion was surpressed. Not much is known about the pagans for this reason. However, we do know somethings from what the Romans have written down. Although, it is biased, as they believed the celts to be barbaric and also didn’t wright much about women.

——gore ——

First, we know they preformed human sacrifice on kings when the kingdom suffered along with some other groups.This could be from bad ruling to really bad weather. These kings died horribly, as they seamed to be stabbed multiple times, had thier nipples cut off, and left to die in a bog.

They had thier nipples cut off because the subjects would suck on the kings’ nipples to demonstrate submission, so cutting them off would fully dethrone the king.

—————

Now, background over. Here’s where it gets good.

Nipple sucking between too lovers or ‘special friends’ was seen as a preclemation of love, physical intimacy, and sexual expression. This, like other types of sex, was seen as something beutiful and sacred. Often, male soldiers would have these ‘special friend’ relationships with many fellow soldiers in groups. The Romans even observed that Celtic men seamed to prefer other males for love/sexual interest over women.

Nipple sucking was mostly described was between two men. Although, we must recognize that women may have been left out of written history. I would also like to point out, this may prove that aromantic people existed in that time, as these ‘special friends’ had sex and were not mentioned to be romantically involved.

The celts were known for their sex positivity and even eroticism because they loved it so much.This is one of the reasons why the pagans and the Chatholics clashed so badly.

Before the Romans really took over, Saint Patrick—yes, the Saint Patrick—started to try to convert the celts into Roman catholosim. He was appalled at the wide acceptance of polyamory(women were aloud to marry however many people they wanted) and homosexual relationships/marriages. Not to mention the celts could have sex with any one at any time as long as it is consensual.

——(Tw creepy men)——

That means no waiting til marriage, unless a Celtic chose to do so. Although we should take into consideration a statement made by Diodorus Siculus, an antient Greek historian, that “the young men will offer themselves to strangers and are insulted if the offer is refused.” In his series Bibliotheca historica. This could mean that either creepy men were comman place, or that homosexuality was so comman and done with everyone, it was wierd to be rejected.

————

Getting back to the Roman Catholics, the book Sextus Empiricus is published in the early 3th century and states,

“...amongst the Persians it is the habit to indulge in intercourse with males, but amongst the Romans it is forbidden by law to do so...”

It also goes on to say,

“...amongst us sodomy is regarded as shameful or rather illegal, but by the Germanic they say, it is not looked on as shameful but as a customary thing.”

For clarification, Germany is apart of Celtic society. So what we can infer is a very serious culture shock in terms of Rome and other places. During Emporor Serverus Alexander’s reign, openly homosexuals were deported.

In early 4th century, Emporor Constaine—the first Christian Roman Emperor—destroyed an Egyptian temple populated exclusively by femme, gay, pagan, priests. The Emproror then went on to eradicate all of them. However in 337 A.D., 3 emperors ruled, including Constantius II and Constans I, who where both in mlm relationships.

An odd thing these emporors went on to do was criminalize male bottoming during mlw sex 342 A.D.. 8 years later, Emperors Valentinian II, Theodosius I, and Arcadius ferther punished this act by killing these men by Public burning at the stake.

———(Tw toxic masculinity)———

I believe this was because masculinity was very important and a man acting in a more feminine role was seen as emasculating and humiliating. For the average man, he had to fight and defend his masculinity. Not doing so was seen as a personal failure.

——————

The last ever known peice of European literature containing a positive representation of homosexuality for 1,000 years was a large epic poem by Nonnus of Panopolis. It was titled Dionysiaca and the first part was published in 390 A.D., the last in 405 A.D..

So yeah, The catholics were very selective in terms of sex. One can only imagine how badly the celts and Catholics clashed. Back to 435 A. D., Saint Patrick began to preach Catholism and around that time wrote in his Confessio. He recounted that he found a boat to get out of Ireland and refused to suck on the nipples of those aboard.

“And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from the place, and I said that I had the wherewithal to sail with them; and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: ‘By no means attempt to go with us.’ Hearing this I left them to go to the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly after me: ‘Come quickly because the men are calling you.’ And immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: ‘Come, because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with us in any way you wish.’ (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put to sea.”

—(Tw very mild rape/sex assault mention—

So, as you can see, Celtic and Catholic ways clashed horribly. Something seen as good and sacred to the indigenous tribes was seen as barbaric and sinful to Saint Patrick. Also, don’t worry, the celts did not press the issue ferther, or else this would be a very different story.

—————

This only snowballed into a much bigger issue much later in medival English sexuality. They were VERY picky on what sex was aloud. Missionary was the only aloud position and it has to be the least pleasurable as possible. Making out and masturbation wasn’t aloud either, as that was also seen as a sin. Here’s a low Rez chart to help figure out when sex was okay.

While we are discussing such a queer topic, I would like to bring up the topic of Anam Cara, or Soul Friends in Antient Celtic culture. A Soul Friend was a word used to describe a Philosophy in which one is not completely whole without thier “other half.” This person can be in a platonic, romantic, or familiar kind of love. Really, all it boils down to is that 2 poeple were made to be together since the beginning of time and will be at thier strongest when they become companions.

There is a Celtic legend that seams to depict a mlm Anam Cara relationship. It tells the story of Cuchulainn and Ferdiad, two male worriors who have known and loved each other a long time. But they must kill each other in a duel. Both are vary reluctant, as at least one of them will have to die.

————(Tw insest)———

Before I go on, it is important to mention there is a lot of debate on wether or not this is homosexual. Mainly because they were foster brothers, but since insest wasn’t as much of a taboo, I do not think this would be as much of a set back as it is today.

—————

They had tried to kill each other each day for 3 days, but they ended up hugging each other and kissing 3 times. On the fourth day, however, Cuchulainn killed Ferdiad. The man then holds Ferdiad in his arms and sings peoms for a long time. Here are some:

“We were heart-companions once,

We were comrades in the woods,

We were men that shared a bed

When we slept the heavy sleep

After hard and weary fights.

Into many lands, so strange,

And side by side we sallied forth

And we ranged the woodlands through,When with Scathach we learned arms!”

Heart companions seams to be similar or the same as soul freind, because of how it’s used. Although sleeping in the same bed isn’t inherently sexual, Cuchulainn then goes on to complement Ferdiad’s physical features.

“Dear to me thy noble blush,

Dear thy comely, perfect form;

Dear thine eye, blue-grey and clear,

Dear thy wisdom and thy speech”

Although this is deeply sweet I would also like to caution that Chuhulainn may have simply been commenting on his healthiness, but blush is an odd word considering he is now dead.

Two male lovers, one dead in the other’s arms. Soul friends, maybe. Reminds me of a certain show..I don’t know I just can’t put my finger on it...

I would also like to point out that because Celtics did not pressure others to have sex, and that a soul friend can be any type of love, I do think that an asexual or someone on that spectrum could live without judgment.Unfortunately, I could not find much about intersex, androgynous, or trans people. Perhaps if I find anything in the future and will make a new post.

In conclusion, if Merlin were more historicaly accurate, he definitely would have been queer. Especially because he is said to be magic itself, it would make sense for him to be the personification of Celtic values. That may include homosexuality, because as previously stated, Celtic men really liked other men.

I’m excited to see what will come of this post, seeing as not a lot of people in the fandom seem to know this. More fanfiction? More fanart? It would probably inspire a lot of creators. So, if you do make something because of this post, please notify me in the notes, an ask, an @ or something. Basically anything but a PM. I would be happy to see/read the creation.

Sources:

Sexuality and love in Celtic society:

Same Sex Celts

Druid Thoughts: of Sex and Druids

Anam Cara, what’s a soul mate?

Sexuality in Ancient Ireland

The Celts, Women, and Sex

LGBT history

Sexuality and love in Medival Society:

Getting down and medival: the sex lives of the Middle Ages

Sex in the Middle Ages

Here’s What Sex Was Like In Medieval Times. It’ll Make You Feel Glad You Weren’t Born Back Then!

General Celtic Society:

Who Were the Celts

Celtic Religion and Belieifs

Saint Patrick

17 Things You Probably Didnt know about Saint Patrick

Confession of Saint Patrick

Cuchulainn and Ferdiad

Cuchulainn and Ferdiad, Gay Lovers?

The Combat of Ferdiad and Cuchulain

Insest in Antient Celtic Society

Ancient Irish elite practiced incest, new genetic data from Neolithic tomb shows

Homosexuality in the Roman Empire

Timeline of LGBT history

Timeline of LGBT history in the United Kingdom

[theodoranowak]

Theo doesn’t meet Cassandra’s gaze as she shrugs her shoulders delicately, the question of becoming a stepmom at her age one that seeps straight into the desires she’d buried along with Sam. “I thought I’d be a mom by now,” she confesses, and her tone is a little too sad, a little too honest for her liking. So she fixes her gaze back onto Cassie’s, and smiles as widely as she’s able to. “Though, for the record, you were an exceptional stepmother at a much younger age than I was,” she points out. “And, just — a better person, in general,” she reaches out to squeeze Cassie’s wrist affectionately. “I think I could do worse than to have your temperament, when it comes to kids.”

She loosens her grip on Cassie and takes back her hand, smile still practiced and steady on her face. “I don’t think there’s anything we couldn’t do, if we were married,” she tells her seriously. “But I think I’d feel terrible for cheating you out of the kind of romantic love you deserve, eventually,” she admits quietly. The kind of romantic love she’s sure Terry would have loved to have bestowed upon her, had they been given the chance. Or had they had even the wherewithal to confess such a thing, to anyone. Theo’s had been an educated guess on her part, after all. A part of Theo almost wishes Cassandra would know just what kind of an impact she leaves on people — that she doesn’t have to base her value on men who wouldn’t know a good thing if it was standing over the earth, claiming to be god. 

Cassie says Mortal Something, and Theo can’t help the small chuckle that sneaks past her lips. When she finishes confessing to Theodora exactly what she wants from him, her grin breaks open, something far more genuine in her expression now than there was before. “Music to my ears, all of this,” she tells Cassie. “Though I do, as a caveat, want to point out that I could also have him tortured for a while,” she winks in jest. “Nevertheless, I do enjoy torturing men like Vaughn in the best way I know how to — by taking their money, their homes, and their dignity,” she hums casually as she says the word, so used to doing such a thing it’s almost instinctual to her. “Whatever you want, I can get it for you. Whatever you want to leave him with or without, I can do that, too. Hell, you want his mistress?” She waggles her eyebrows. “I can find a way to get you that, too.” She scratches at Autumn’s long chin affectionately. “We can sit down later, go through everything in detail,” she promises. “But you would have to come by the office, which,” she shrugs. “I don’t know how keen you’ll be to see Saul that often, but I could look into having blinds installed,” she says thoughtfully. Probably a good idea in general, she thinks. She’d like to be able to block the rest of the firm out when she’s trying to concentrate.

At the question of her mother, Theodora freezes for about half a second before forcing her shoulders to relax. “She’s called me — or, well,” she makes a face, thinking about her mother’s manager making most of the calls to her. “Pete’s called me, on her behalf, no less than a dozen times since I moved here,” she says. “She doesn’t like the fact that I spent my money building this center. She doesn’t like the fact that I’d ‘betray my family name’ by going to work for a Weissberg, and she doesn’t like — well, me,” she glances at Cassie, shoots her a small, rueful smile. “Which is something I’ve known most of my life, but she’s never made it more obvious than now, when she has a fantastic excuse to let me know point blank.” She presses her forehead against Autumn's snout, who nuzzles her face excitedly.

With a small laugh, she turns back to Cassie, and releases a deep sigh. “She’s angry that my grandfather endorsed my move so publicly,” she admits quietly. “She hasn’t — said as much, obviously,” she adds. Rosamund would never admit to being envious of her father’s affections for her own daughter — not if it killed her, not if it saved her life. “But I can’t help keep looking over my shoulder, wondering if she’s going to show up and do something to take this away from me, too, you know?”

"Unfortunately there is one thing stopping us," Cassandra laughed and loved the sound as it rumbled through her body and shook her shoulders gently. Lately, maybe even the last few years, all that put a shining smile on her face was her boys. Things with Vaughn hadn't been horrendous. In fact, they'd felt so familiar that she hadn't even bat an eye when the intricacies of their marriage and relationship had begun to shift and change. A husband too busy for his wife and family because of the demands of his job? Normal. A husband that didn't notice new outfits she'd adorned herself with to look special for him? He was tired all the time, it was understandable.

It never mattered how clean the house was, how delicious their dinner, that his shirts were always so perfectly pressed, his sons were happy and healthy, or that Cassandra always tried to look good for him. The travesty was in the fact that she was used to people falling out of love with her. She'd bore witness to them finding something, someone better each and every time. It was why the mention of marriage, again, even with someone as beloved to her as her Teddy Bear gave Cassandra some pause. There was no survival if she eventually lost Theodora as well. She was so much more than a pseudo niece; she was family, a confidant, a reliable source of love and devotion, Theo was someone Cassandra wanted to be close to so that she could celebrate all the amazing things she'd accomplish with her life.

Left hand lifted and displayed, there was no band on that particular finger as Cassandra frowned, "there may not be a ring here but by law I am still legally married. Fucking asshole or not, I'd rather my claim to fame not be a bigamy headline." A wink and a wrinkle across the bridge of her nose for her sweetest one. "Would you really want to be a step-mom anyway at your young and beautiful age," she further teased, her palm holding the cup of Theo's cheek briefly. It went without saying, if there ever were to be someone else in her love life, her children would have to be loved and accepted as well. "God," Cassandra smirked as she mused, "we really would take the world by storm, wouldn't we?" More so Theo doing big things and Cassie making sure she had a good breakfast before she went out and conquered the day. Maybe that was all she was good for, being someone's support.

As much as she's been pained and hurt, given up and chosen over time and time again, Cassandra's heart hadn't hardened over. There's definite bitterness she'd felt towards the cards she'd been dealt, some big lessons she'd learned, but only now when she holds hope that it's not too late. "Oh, I want to finish him, as they say in that one bloody game the boys love, Mortal Something," eyes playfully rolled and hand waved off what her boys would groan about, "but I want him to take care of the boys and pay a lot in alimony. I want the house and the vacation home." It felt so greedy to say she wanted half of everything, especially since she hadn't worked since she was twenty-one, yet some part of her felt that it was so deserved given everything she'd sacrificed and how hard she'd worked to be everything Vaughn had needed. Only to be be cast aside for someone younger and prettier. Probably better in bed too considering Cassandra had been with a grand total of three men in her forty-five years. "Death seems easy, you know," she grinned to take the weight off of what she felt, "it doesn't erase or fix the savagery of what he's done to me, you know?"

Before tears could spring to her eyes and Cassandra could do a swan dive into the heart of the pain she continuously pretended wasn't that serious, she had too much to remain strong for, and it would be so embarrassing for Vaughn to get a view of just how he'd put her to slaughter, the focus shifted to Theodora. There was something there, she could sense it, like a mother to their child, though she didn't press when the excuse of being tired came. That was entirely plausible. Her fingers were playing with the loose ends of Theo's hair again, "have you not been getting any sleep? Putting all this together," she gestured to the equestrian center, "and keeping up with your lawyer work has to be quite a lot for any one person." Maybe, hopefully, Theo had someone new in her life to support her again. She deserved that and was owed it especially after being abandoned.

Perhaps she wasn't the master deflector. Well, Theodora did it as a profession, and they had switched back to a somewhat previous topic. One that Cassandra actually needed to engage in. When it came to filing and going through the process of divorce she was aware of just how quickly she needed to get the ball rolling. Plans of action needed to be made. Cassandra had no income, no real job history in the last twenty-plus years, and two children to take care of. She should be panicking. "You're tenacious and honestly, there's too many complications when it comes to Saul," because there was something the two of them had to go through alongside Cassandra divorcing husband number two, "you have the job if you want it. Take Vaughn Westwood to the cleaners and please leave him like that in front of his mistress. If you want to be my lawyer." It felt more important to support Theodora's career anyway. Things would be too messy with Saul and conflicts of interest would be the least of worries when she had to ask her first husband what she had to ask of him.

They were on their way to the stables to see the horses, arm in arm and Cassandra's hand slipped down to grasp Theo's hand. Memories of riding came flooding back and she swallowed down the emotions that rose up. The horses were so beautiful. "Wow, Autumn is still thriving, huh?" When she approached the mare, Cassandra placed her palm on the warm, muscled neck of the animal and instantly felt soothed. Riding with Theo, or even when Theo was too busy and she'd go anyway, had been such an escape. It was an ode to a previous way of life, and she too had found freedom on the strong back of a horse. "Good to see that, young girl," Cassie had said to the mare as she stroked her neck, "we may be old but there's still nothing like us." At Theo's comment, a smiling glanced was turned to her. "What's going on with your mother?"