#and also fully expressing themselves about people they think to blame

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I was thiking about how you the thing that gives gemma a platform is also what limits her..

and in the light of such a tragic accident.. its just taken such a sinister turn in my mind.

because i think its plain as daylight that one fandom that has had instense hatred for liam as their fav pet punching bag is.. harries. ( they do it for louis too, but i give up on that. its partially encouraged by some people. so idk)

but with gemma's mental health spiel, she has to blindly ignore their worst behavior, because then who will buy her bits and trinkets..

she cant ever call them out. and how sad is that.

Anon - this approach to Liam's death really bothers me. I acknowledge that this is probably one way of you processing a whole bunch of complicated feelings. But I think dealing with complicated feelings by deciding who else was wrong can do harm. I would really encourage people who are having those thoughts and feelings to understand that it's a choice whether or not to express them.

I think fandom is very bad at proportionality. Fans are likely to massively overstate the importance of other fans and also the people they are fans of - you do that twice over here.

First you assume that the response of 'Harries' as a group has made a difference to Liam. This definitely overstates the importance of 'Harries' in the wider ecosphere of people who talk shit on line. Even if no Harry fan had talked about Liam in the last four years, there would be more nasty comments about Liam than he could ever read. (Once anyone gets to a certain level of attention - there are always more nasty comments about them than they could ever read.

But I think it's very easy to overstate the role of things people were saying on-line in Liam's distress. It was a part of what was going on, but just a part and I strongly suspect not the most important. I think distress - and dysfunctional responses to distress - cause people to pay a lot of attention to the things that are being said about them on-line - as much as the other way round.

Then you mention Gemma Styles - who is no more responsible for the mental health of someone her brother was close to and has a shared history with than you or I would be for the mental health of someone our brothers were close to and have a history with.

My point is that Gemma has an audience and is constrained in saying things of substance that she would want to say because of how that audience would react. I never imagined that she should or would want to talk about Liam - or have anything interesting to say.

The idea that Gemma Styles isn't talking about what Harries say about Liam Payne, because of her need to sell books - is an absurd one that only makes sense within a fandom logic that treats both Harries and Liam Payne as the centre of the universe.

It feels harsh to say it in this moment, but I think in some ways its just as important as it ever was. Just because something is very important to us, does not mean we are important to them, nor that either us or the important thing will matter to other people.

[fancyfade]

Difference between Bruce and Dick as Batman.

So I know that there's a lot of temptation to compare Bruce as Batman to Dick or Damian, and Dick as Batman to Damian, often with a "oh well obviously Bruce was meaner/Dick was nicer", but I do think they have a neat contrast that fandom often overlooks (as well as some parallels).

Robin: Year One #3

Batmatn #408

Batman and Robin #6

Dick and Bruce both will deal with whatever current threat exists, before fully helping wounded Robin, getting a verbal "I'm fine" confirmation. They clearly do care about Robin. But they also have an obligation to protect people Bruce tries to physically stop joker. Jason's not fighting Dick, but he is trying to talk him down and talk him into getting help, like he did in Battle for the Cowl. The characters also generally avoid a wounded Robin -- it's just easier to see for Bruce, because Leslie calls Bruce out on it "you're leaving (to go deal with this?)" whereas no one questions Dick leaving Damian once he's got medical care and doing his own mission to revive zombie bruce. I imagine this is partially from guilt (we do see Bruce blaming himself for Dick's close call, and Dick framing Damian as his responsibility in Battle for the Cowl) and also possible due to the whole 'batman has a job, robin's physically OK now so time to help protect people' thing.

A strong difference is after the character's get injured and treated. Bruce becomes overprotective, and continues being emotionally distant, which understandably upsets Dick. He is so overprotective he benches Dick each time he is wounded seriously, and that creates friction between them.

Robin: Year One

Batman #408

Contrast this to Dick's general lack of protectiveness. Nothing changes when Damian gets wounded as Robin. Which works well (emotionally) for Damian and it works for the conventions of the genre.

Dick is generally not portrayed as very emotionally overprotective when Damian is injured, and when Damian is captured, he often expresses more verbal concern for the people who captured Damian than Damian himself.

Batman and Robin #9 - Damian, with a new metal spine, got thrown off a building by the zombie batman dick accidentally revived.

Batman and Robin #13

Detective comics annual #11

I should note: I think it would be uncharitable to assume that Dick expressing more verbal concern that Damian will hurt the supervillains who have him kidnapped means Dick doesn't care about Damian. We see in Batman and Robin some of Dick being worried when Damian is shot, and we see Dick telling Azrael they need to find a quicker way to get to Damian when Azrael is talking about how to find the guys who took him. And also, you know. I just don't think Dick would care more about the supervillains that Damian. But Damian is regarded as a tough kid, he'll be fine no matter what, and he represents a threat to other people (interestingly, something I've seen fans accuse... Bruce of doing to damian? Even though Bruce was much more protective and wasn't worried about Damian killing Nobody when Damian was going with Nobody, or Damian killing the Saturn Club guys when Damian let himself by kidnapped by the Saturn club guys to find civilians to rescue)

But I am analyzing here the actions he does and the words that he says, and what the writer dedicates panel time to. I think it's interesting that Bruce and Dick's similarities with regards to Robin getting injured involve emotionally removing themselves from the situation and focusing on cases, and then their differences are in the follow up. Dick often maintains a status quo, which is satisfying to the Robin character (he does not feel like he's being fired or judged) and fits with the conventions of the genre. Bruce often becomes overprotective to a degree where the Robin character feels estranged from him, and is excluded, resulting in alienation from robin and coming across as the "bad guy".

I find it very interesting that Dick avoids repeating mistakes of the past that Bruce made (becoming overprotective of Robin to an alienating degree and firing him) by doing things that would be read as callous or uncaring to the reader if he wasn't Dick, I guess.

P.S. I know some people say this is why they regard Morrison's Dick as OOC, but I didn't have any place to fit that acknowledgement in the above paragraphs, but I think it's important to note that this was not just Morrison's Dick. In general Dick as Batman era was way different than Nightwing Rebirth era Dick or even post 2011 Dick.

[feyascorner]

So might have noticed i have read all your fics and I absolutely love them all!

If your open to taking this request for a fic, i would love like 4 times astarion was jealous and 1 time you were! (I dont know if your familiar with the prompt). Tav sleeping with someone before they get together (act 1) he’s catching feelings! After relationship is established: Act 2 Halsin showing his interest (whether its reciprocated is up to you!). Act3 Shar’s caress, the owner talking about Tav’s interest and drow twins!

Finally, Tav being jealous! Astarion fully enjoying it!

Or just anything with jealous astarion i would LIVE for! Love your work either way 😆

a/n. THEYRE SO CUTE IM IN TEARS I LOVE JEALOUS ASTARION/TAV

also this is not proofread unfortunately, and I'm not 100% if i did this right but we rock and roll!!!1

As much as Astarion boasts (and resents) his familiarity with seduction, you're an anomaly he's yet to understand despite his centuries of experience.

Never once in his courtship, even when he'd been alive, had he felt so tested that he was jealous, over someone. Not really, anyway. Sure there were bits of bitter feelings here and there, but most were trivial and about something involved in the relationship, not the person themselves.

He's counted four times since the two of you met, where he had to resort to his better judgment to avoid resorting to pettiness. The first one, was out of necessity--so much so that he didn't even realize what it was at first.

He had watched you snuggle up to Shadowheart of all people, just when he thought he'd finally manipulated enough to have you wrapped around his finger. Instead, he had to hear you laugh as you let the cleric lead you to a nearby lake, making him question if somehow, he'd gotten rusty. Especially when the rival in question was clearly too busy having a religious crisis to properly court you. Sure, you technically didn't belong to him, nor did he belong to you at the time, but he went to sleep feeling oddly irritated. He made sure to flirt with you even more, apparently, the next morning.

The second time, he had accepted the strange feeling in his chest whenever he saw you. And Gods he should have done it earlier. He made sure to show plenty of public affection, kissing your cheek or hand randomly as you and your companions explored the shadow-cursed lands. He got a mouthful from Lae'zel a few times, but he couldn't care less. And just when he believed he'd eliminated any potential rivals, the damned druid suggested that you had feelings for him. Here, he felt that same churning feeling he had weeks ago at camp, and found it was one that he didn't long for. He wouldn't have blamed you if you'd considered it--especially since the two of you stopped being physically intimate after his confession. But he could deny how much he hated this feeling. Pretending he hadn't heard, waited for you to approach him that night. When you reassured him you'd said no, he could breathe again.

The last time was weeks later, at Sharess' Caress, where the two of you were approached by the drow twins. And when he'd confessed he wasn't ready to become intimate again, as much as it scared him, you only smiled at him and nodded. That cursed warmth he felt from such a simple act of kindness would follow him to the end of his days. But he hadn't had enough time to revel in it, because the drow twins assured you only you would be enough, even if he wasn't a part of it. The moment you refused, he was already dragging you out of the room, cursing the twins under his breath.

But for the first time, he thinks you're the one experiencing that dreadful feeling of insecurity.

"Your measurements are perfect for this new selection that just came in! Here, let me just check if the rest would fit."

He'd thought little of the harmless touches of the tailor, but as he notices your expression through the reflection of one of the mirrors, he thinks differently. Your lips are pursed, eyes following the tailor's movements like a hawk as you tighten the arms crossed over your chest. Astarion himself is no stranger to touch, especially to innocent ones like this, but if your body language means anything, the sentiments are not mutual.

The tailor reaches up to measure his arm span, inevitably bring their face a little to close to his neck. He just tilts away, nodding mindlessly at what the tailor is saying, but his attention is fully on you. You're fidgeting, and your anxiousness is impossibly obvious to him, but the more mischievous part of him stops him from doing anything about it. Instead, he revels in it.

"Did you get my inside leg?" he asks the tailor, grinning widely. "I think you might have to redo it. I was leaning a bit."

The tailor agrees though all he sees is a nod of a head and a voice in his ear going right through the other. He observes as your face falls, and just as the tailor crouches down and leans close, you're immediately across the room at record-speed, hand latching over the tailor's wrist.

Astarion barely manages to hold in his laugh. His smile, however, is another story.

"I'll do it," you mumble to the tailor. They look to you and back up to Astarion before seemingly realizing what's going on, nodding.

"Very well."

He never thought you could look even more alluring than he already finds you, but the way your jaw clenches and your brows furrow makes him think otherwise. You lean down and take the measurements as needed, stomping on his foot in the process.

He snorts.

Once the tailor leaves for the stock room, he finds you sighing. "You did that on purpose."

It's not a question. He laughs, and while he could just apologize, he takes your hand in his, tilting your head with the other so you'd look at him. He might even consider the glare you give him as cute.

"Jealous, are you?"

"What do you think?"

"I was starting to think you weren't capable of jealousy."

"Why not?" you say, feeling his thumb rubs the top of your hand. "I've been plenty jealous before."

At this, he raises a brow. "I'd surely remember that."

"When we first met," you recall. "You flirted with practically everyone in camp. Saying you wanted to drink from Wyll, or something like that."

"You must know that I was--"

"I know what it was," you roll your eyes. "Not at the time though, and I thought you'd lost interest in me."

His jaw falls agape. "You're jesting."

"Why do you think I started flirting with other people? I figured you didn't like me as much as I liked you, so I moved on. Tried, at least."

"Is that what your visits to Shadowheart were?"

You scrunch your nose. "Oh Gods, I forgot about that. I'd rather not remember sleeping with one of my closest friends, thanks."

He can't help the grin stretching on his lips, and you notice, feeling yourself smile with him. "You're enjoying this far too much, Astarion."

"Please, tell me the next time you're jealous, so I'll know to keep an eye on you."

"Don't ask such ridiculous things," you retort, feigning annoyance before lifting his palm to your cheek and pressing a kiss to it. He swears his undead heart might've felt it. And just like that, the tailor returns, and you drop your intertwined hands, and he sees you shoot him a warning glare.

Acknowledging he's had enough fun teasing you today, he shrugs, and when the tailor begins showing him an array of outfits, he's not listening. Instead, he toys with the ring behind his back, making sure to commit your expression to his memory.

[joejhang]

my aftg hot takes

most of these are pretty lukewarm but i'm gonna get flamed for them anyway but whatever. spoilers ??? ahead ??? idk read at ur own risk

i don't think andreil ever say i love you to each other; i feel like the discourse about this is virtually endless ever since nora said it but honestly her explanation was so valid??? they're such a show not tell couple it just makes so much sense for them to show the "i love you" in their actions than ever saying the words out loud. esp bc neither of them have ever really heard those words and have them mean anything real or true or actually loving. personally i think their little percentages and the "i hate you"'s and kisses and keys mean more to them than an "i love you" ever could. i'm not a purist on this tho i do think i could visualise it happening maybe somewhere along the road i just think nora's explanation for this is very very in line with canon andreil.

i don't hate thea muldani; i've made a post abt this but basically my thoughts around her are literally just: she's a human being, and she's never gonna be perfect. i also find it very...interesting how the fandom likes to flame thea (an explicitly stated woman of colour) for being "problematic" and a "terrible person/character" when she doesn't act all that different from andrew, neil and kevin (white men) ??? idk it seems a little strange to me bc she seems pretty on par with them on whatever moral compass this batshit crazy fandom has decided to impose on these fictional and very much morally ambiguous characters. anyway go check out my post i go a lot deeper into thea's character and why she does a lot of things wrong but i don't rlly think she's deserving of the insane amounts of hate she gets in the fandom.

i don't think andreil ever get married; this MIGHT be me projecting bc the idea of marriage is just a very complicated and rough concept in my mind but also just i feel like there's something so beautiful about andreil never really putting a label on their relationship??? like they never define it by calling the other their "boyfriend" or "husband" they just are. they have nothing "concrete" binding them like a marriage certificate but they choose to stay with each other through everything. idk it's real to me but again i'm not a purist people can do whatever they want.

i've said it before but i'll keep saying it till enough people hear me: the aftg fandom mischaracterises literally the main fucking characters; i'm mostly talking about andrew and ESPECIALLY neil here bc neil is not a sweet, sunshiney, oblivious, blushy softboy and andrew is not a cold, unemotional, stoic, "conceal don't feel" stone. since i've already bitched on and on about neil's mischaracterisation let's just talk about andrew for a sec. i think andrew is actually a deeply emotional person and is fully aware of the feelings he experiences. does he vocalise or express them often? no but more often than not they show themselves anyway. him crashing out after neil was kidnapped, letting himself get walked like a dog by neil for three books straight, choking allison for slapping aaron, idk i could go on. but yeah you get it.

i don't actually think neil is that oblivious; before people come at me like "but nora said!" or whatever yeah, i know she said he's as dense as a brick when it comes to people flirting with him. considering how much of the ec the aftg fandom likes to disregard allow me to disregard this little bit of it, yeah? this isn't me tryna impose my own projections onto nora's characters, this is lit just me tryna explain how i understand neil josten (he's my bsf btw). he literally clocks his feelings for andrew in trk (after his deep convo™ with nicky) but he just files it away for later bc he doesn't consider attraction or romantic interest anything to be thinking about considering he's got the mafia and his serial killer dad on his tail. i also don't really blame him for not catching onto andrew's feelings earlier (tho doesn't he get pretty fucking close during that one convo they have in exites in trk???? someone correct me if i'm wrong but) bc dude andrew was out here sending fucking mixed ass signals like bro was saying "you are a pipe dream" and "i hate you" in the same fucking conversations like??? neil has always taken andrew at face value and he's not about to question him now. he's also never confused or uncertain about nicky or marissa and what their comments about him meant, he just genuinely does not gaf about them so he doesn't acknowledge them or pay them any attention in his narration. i truly truly think his dismissal of all the advances made upon him in aftg were borne out of indifference, not obliviousness.

have already said this in detail but i don't think andrew's actually a misogynist; the wording doesn't feel right. i'd probably describe andrew's distrust of women (esp. those in motherly/mother roles) as a similar ingrained wariness that neil has for older men. this is something borne out of trauma and shitty experiences that takes time and trust to unlearn. nora says a lot of things the fandom disregards and for me, this is one of those things i'm a little iffy about. misogyny actually isn't reflected in andrew's actions at all, i'd say. does he respect women? no. but he doesn't respect anyone unless they've actually earned it. and among the people he does respect and care for there are women (renee, bee). he doesn't treat women any differently and obv doesn't think they're any weaker than men are (considering renee wipes the floor w him their first sparring sesh). andrew's an equal opportunity hater and i don't think he actually has any sexist or even misogynistic tendencies. i think what is there is just a slightly biased worldview of disliking/mistrusting mother figures, given his bad experiences w tilda and cass (they've left him w more long-term emotional damage that's probably rlly difficult and complicated for him to work through esp considering cass did love??? him and he did want her enough to be willing to suffer dr*ke to be close to her; there's more to it but for the sake of word count i won't go into it) but honestly it doesn't actually show that much??? if people wanna say he hates women, sure, but for one, he doesn't hate a lot of things he's just very indifferent to them and two, he holds a pretty similar apathetic distaste for most people and things, so it's not like a very big distinction. i also think the whole "no girls" thing w aaron was very much a personal thing, and his mistrust of katelyn probably came from aaron's past (apparently negative) experiences w other girlfriends and friendships in general. and if i remember correctly the deal wasn't even "no girls" it was just "family only" which is why aaron didn't make friends w the rest of the foxes either. i digress but i don't think saying "andrew isn't a misogynist" is robbing him of any nuance as a character.

i like nicky and honestly feel similarly towards him as i do about thea; he isn't perfect and never will be and i think while the way he acts towards neil and others (see: matt, kevin) is pretty untoward and inappropriate, i also do see where he's coming from, esp after aaron's explanation of it. that it's a defence mechanism coming from someone who's experienced a lot of prejudice and harm because of his sexuality. obv i think everyone can agree his assault on neil was fucked up but i think nora was right in saying that nicky was high and drunk and not rlly in his right mind at the time, and he does apologise and i'm pretty sure she also said he and neil work it out privately anyway. he's a messy character and definitely not perfect queer rep but again, he's pretty realistic, and i think he's honestly a rlly well-written and complex character.

[the-fandom-is-now-my-life]

I don't know if you're accepting anymore requests for the Creator Baby Daddy thing, but if said baby daddy was a certain redheaded teetotaler that runs the Dawn Winery? 😗

Their grace had a

Firey headed child

Wc: 1k

As the soft sunlight seeps inside the room you open your eyes, a bright red mane moving softly up and down as it rests on your chest, its curls framing Diluc’s jaw and nose.

It seems like the finger you ran around his hair and cheek woke him up. “Rise and shine, little prince”

Bright red eyes look at you with tenderness and his lips kiss your sternum and arms tighten around your waist.

“We can cuddle for a bit but remember I have to leave after breakfast to Liyue” he nods but sighs against your skin “even after I leave you will be forever in my heart”

“And my heart will always ardently burn for you, your grace” he kisses your lips as he mumbles sweet nothings, both of you fully under the cotton covers and enjoying the last few minutes of time together.

“It's been quite a while, Diluc” you sit down on the stools in front of the bar, it's almost closing time and the few people left are gathering themselves to go home. Even Diluc was surprised to see you at this hour but he holds back from asking about it straight on.

“It's been almost three months, I think? I believe you were scheduled to return for the next Ludi Harpastum, in two more months” without hesitation he keeps the conversation going smoothly, so used to chatty drunkards going on and on and still expect an answer.

Looking at him doing the closing chores so focused delays your answer a few seconds, but honestly who could blame you? His white shirt was rolled up his elbows and the top few buttons were undone “Mhh there was a change of plans, for reasons I will stay a season in mondstat”

“I see… I guess you just arrived?”

“That is right, we hurried back and managed to make it here in two days”

Throwing the towel he was drying the whiskey glass with over his shoulder he leans forward, resting his back from standing for so long and causing a few stray crimson hairs to stick to his thinly sweaty skin, the warmth of the tavern almost making you break into a light sweat after a few minutes inside “Would I be so bold as to offer you a drink, your grace?”

“I would love it, just please make sure to not add alcohol to it”

He nods and turns to pour a small layer of grenadine in a glass “as you please”

“aren't you going to ask me why?”

“Why you don't want alcohol? I was just guessing you didn't want today”

“Well, it's partly because of that but there is also another reason” softly you lay a hand down on your lower belly, sure he would understand the implication.

“Upset stomach? Alcohol does irritate the stomach's lining” but when turns to pour orange juice he sees your deadpan expression and the hand between your hips, soon the connection is made “was that from…”

“Yes, indeed! I do hope your heart is still burning for me”

“Always, your grace” a soft smile grace's his face, if the candles were dimmer it might have been impossible to see. Closer to a gasp or a whisper he leans forward and swears “I would rather rip my heart out than to stray from you”

During the pregnancy his hands and sight seem to always find themselves stuck on your body somehow, a constant reminder to himself that you are safe and this is something nobody nor anything will be able to take away from him and even if they attempted he would fight to defend.

Any comforting words that you might attempt to soothe him with fall to deaf ears so it might be better to hold in the good news until you start to show to enjoy to the max your boundless liberty before making good acquaintance of the dawn winery and periphery, it's not like he would force you to! He would never dare to order you around, it's just his face that makes you the slightest bit guilty when you leave and travel alone. Even if you wouldn't consider four knights of favonius alone he still seems to hold resentment and mistrust.

People say that firstborns always look like their dads, nature's paternity test some claim, but regardless of how your baby looked (even you must claim that as soon as your beloved baby came out it was hard to find any resemblance with humans) the firey red fuzz on his head linking him to his father in a second. Not like Diluc doubted it for a second.

“This selection is a chardonnay” Diluc holds a white grape before smashing it between his fingers and giving it to your toddler to happily chew “it makes a wine of the same name” when the kid swallows he hands them a dark one and does the same procedure “this one is Malbec, a staple for most of our red wine” but this time he spits in back on the ground, seemingly too bitter.

“Why don't you stick to feeding him normal grapes?” You ask from the table under a shadow, sipping grape juice and reading a book.

“When he grow up they might want to work here and with so many types of grapes and things about the winery to know I should teach him young” he turns around from besides the vine, he from may you know where decided that he needed to teach your year old about the multiple varieties of wine grapes and their wines.

“Fine~ if you feel like you want to do it teach him, I doubt much knowledge will stick right now but I will be rooting for you here” he turns around to face the plant again and you keep watching his arms show from under the rolled shirt and how they tense when reaching for a new grape and the love with which he teaches his child, quite possibly reminiscing about his father doing the same with him.

[smile-files]

nickel and balloon stuff from spring on the breakfast!!! i'm keeping in mind that in the previous episode, both of them were under the impression that their friendship wasn't real...

in a way, ii3 balloon is a lot like late ii3 cabby. of course, balloon did something indisputably immoral (manipulate and exploit others), and cabby only did something thought to be immoral (keep and use files about her fellow contestants) -- but both did something wrong and had to subsequently undergo a disproportionate amount of abuse and malignment for it, ending up with them being apologetic and submissive to avoid any chance of being framed as bad again. the biggest difference is that cabby has internalized the guilt others have attributed to her, while balloon largely hasn't -- he understands the concept of rolling with the punches for the sake of keeping good connections, but he doesn't believe he deserves it.

nickel brushes off ii2 a LOT this episode. to rid himself of his guilt regarding that time, he necessarily has to delegitimize the hatred he felt towards balloon then, thus also ridding balloon of his guilt. he expresses this all vaguely, choosing to remember ii2 fondly and saying off-hand that its baggage should be laughed off -- implying that balloon has been forgiven. reasonably, balloon is happy that nickel seems to actually believe he's changed for the better, so initially this makes him happy.

of course, though, it becomes clear that nickel just wants to shove his own actions under the rug, and balloon reasonably gets pissed off. nickel treated balloon and suitcase like complete garbage in ii2, and balloon clearly hasn't forgotten that.

"it keeps things easy." it keeps things easy to roll with the punches, to endure nickel's abuse and accept his sudden friendship. note, also, that nickel is still placing the blame on balloon: he's saying that balloon didn't want to "make things better", as if nickel and balloon ever having a rift was entirely balloon's fault, and his problem to fix.

and as we can see, nickel still hasn't fully forgiven balloon for ii1. as i've discussed before, nickel seems to secretly feel incredible guilt about how he treated balloon in ii2 (which is why he goes to such lengths to repress the whole memory of it) -- but that guilt is about the way in which he expressed his disdain and distrust of balloon, not those opinions themselves, nor the motivations for them. this is all very interesting, then -- if he still believes balloon can't change from his old, bad self, why did nickel start being friends with him at all?

i think a large part of it is his projection onto balloon. nickel sees himself in balloon: someone who screwed up big-time and isn't able to become a better person after that (according to nickel). we tend to gravitate to people similar to us, after all. i wouldn't be surprised if nickel was also trying to overcompensate for his hostility towards balloon in ii2 by being very friendly with him in ii3, thereby helping him forget that he was ever hostile to him at all.

the most fascinating thing to me about balloon and nickel's relationship is how impersonal it is for balloon. he seems to value what nickel's affection represents rather than nickel himself -- and it represents that he's been forgiven. anyone who saw balloon and nickel's conflict in ii2, which was a product of balloon's nastiness in ii1 and nickel's subsequent inability to forgive that nastiness, would likely come to accept balloon and forgive him themselves if they then saw nickel being friendly with him -- because nickel is the epitome of the ii contestants' anger at him, and nickel of all people (seemingly) forgiving him would imply that he's really changed. the relationship is almost entirely a symbol in that regard. i don't think balloon has much residual guilt about is actions in ii1 -- he feels like he's adequately addressed them and changed -- but nickel having a positive relationship would be helpful in affirming that stance and proving to himself that he really has changed.

i wouldn't say it's cruel of balloon to keep this relationship going on under that pretense, but it is backhanded, and it helps explain why he was ever willing to accept nickel's friendliness unchallenged. he wanted his crimes to finally be laid to rest once and for all, and keeping nickel on good terms with him would let that happen. people would finally shut up about it. up until now, nickel wasn't explicitly denying his past cruelty towards balloon anyway, so balloon would be able to ignore that he neglected to ever bring it up; now, though, nickel is denying not only what he did to balloon but also to suitcase, which balloon is not able to tolerate. now that he's confronted nickel about that though, nickel snaps back with his condemnation of what balloon did in ii1, thereby uprooting the social stasis balloon had been able to maintain precisely because nickel refused to bring anything up before. in a way, then, balloon is purposefully shoving the past under the rug, just like nickel is.

we can't forget, though, that nickel has his own complex about fearing that he's incapable of change and incapable of forming positive, genuine relationships with people. balloon is essentially revealing that, in a way, he wasn't really friends with nickel -- at least not in the way nickel wished and fooled himself into thinking they were. if balloon truly were friends with nickel like that, then that would mean that balloon had forgiven him for his cruelty in ii2, and perhaps that he really has changed... but no. balloon hasn't forgiven him. why should he? nickel never apologized -- and given how he never apologized, it's impossible that he could've changed anyway: nickel doesn't want to apologize because that means addressing his guilt and allowing himself to feel it. he wants the forgiveness to be handed to him on a silver platter, without him having to do all of the painful work, and he's incredibly upset when it isn't. he wants to not be a bad person, but in order to do that, he has to feel like one, and he really doesn't want to. he hates who he was and doesn't want to associate with it at all.

(note how it's the suitcase robot who says "you can say sorry" when nickel says that nothing can be done about making things better...)

there's clearly an immeasurable amount of resentment these two have been harboring for each other throughout this season, which they'd only been hiding for the sake of fooling themselves into thinking they've changed (nickel) or thinking that others think they've changed (balloon). and now that they've let themselves explode with anger, partly related to the lies they'd been telling themselves falling apart, they yell at each other and balloon drops nickel down a hole!

ah, balloon and nickel's relationship... it's bizarre, it's toxic, it's convoluted, it's shady, and it's incredibly sad. i'm glad i'm revisiting ii3, especially this episode -- i used to be utterly baffled by nickel's writing, particularly in spring on the breakfast, but now it makes complete sense to me. also, i used to think balloon was entirely the victim in this relationship, while now i know that he has his own faults and own baggage in that regard. it's weird -- they hate each other, but at the same time they're dying to be liked by one another. god i love these freaks...

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, chapter 57 of Saezuru!

So, we're at an impasse again.

I don't want to see anyone shitting on Yashiro here, though I know inevitably there's going to be people doing that, and probably people shitting on Doumeki, too. I think what people need to constantly remind themselves of while reading this story is that, at it's heart, it's a story about trauma, and the difficulty, sometimes near impossibility, of ever fully overcoming that trauma.

I know some people are going to talk badly about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki, regarding especially the moment when he pushes Doumeki away from him. They're going to grow frustrated and say he's sending Doumeki mixed messages, etc, etc... But Doumeki is also doing the same.

Doumeki, at this point, seems to me to be operating out of frustration, while Yashiro is still operating out of fear.

I felt like the pivotal moment of this chapter came after Doumeki turns Yashiro around and, for just a moment, lets his mask drop. When Yashiro makes his comment to him about him "making a face like (he) wants to do it really badly", I felt like Doumeki had an opportunity here that he blew. I'm not blaming Doumeki, let me just say right off, so that nobody misunderstands what I mean. But I think Doumeki still doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Yashiro. I think he thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's not. Doumeki saw Yashiro's earlier moment of pushing him away when he started kissing and licking at his leg, when he was being gentle with Yashiro, and I think likely took Yashiro's comment about the face he was making as a mocking statement.

The awful part here is, it was a statement made in earnest.

So was Yashiro's reaction to pushing Doumeki away.

Yashiro is still triggered by gentle treatment. Look at his face when Doumeki starts licking at his leg, as he remembers four years earlier, to the first time they had sex. His expression is horrified. He's scared. He's traumatized. He's giving a trauma response to what's happening. You can tell by his reaction after pushing Doumeki away that it wasn't even a conscious thing he did. His body just reacted. He has this wide-eyed, shocked look, like he doesn't know what just happened.

And then Doumeki lets his frustration and probably some anger dictate his response, which is to manhandle Yashiro onto his stomach and take him from behind. Again, it's really important to watch Yashiro's reactions here to understand what's going on with him, I think.

Once again, his face is stricken. You can tell he doesn't want this at all. He even looks frightened for a moment, and then in pain as Doumeki pushes into him.

The thing is, Doumeki doesn't want this either, but like I said before, I think he's operating out of a place of frustration and anger. He lets his frustration with Yashiro's seemingly contradictory behavior push him to be forceful with Yashiro. But it doesn't last long. Doumeki then turns him again onto his back, and that's the moment he lets his mask drop, and Yashiro makes his comment about his expression.

Again, I think it's vital to understanding what's going on with Yashiro to also pay attention to his own expressions. He reaches for Doumeki's face, and smiles at him, and the look in his eyes is very soft. You can tell he means it, what he says to Doumeki, and you can tell he genuinely longs for it, for Doumeki to look at him the way he once did, with that gentle kindness and genuine desire.

If Doumeki understood what was really at the heart of Yashiro's issues, I don't think he would have reacted the way he did. He makes a mistake here when he pulls Yashiro's hand away, and even squeezes down painfully on it. Yashiro's reaction is one of confusion. He doesn't understand why Doumeki is suddenly back to being cold. He says "Huh?", when Doumeki tells him "What a nostalgic thing to say.", before once again forcefully pinning him down. Again, I think Doumeki thinks Yashiro is playing games, but he's seriously not. His response to Doumeki's gentility is a trauma response. He's still triggered by that kind of treatment, while simultaneously longing for it. He doesn't mean to be sending Doumeki mixed messages. This is what I mean when I say people need to keep in mind that this story is, at its core, about trauma and the ways it manifests. His responses to Doumeki aren't a conscious thing on Yashiro's part. He can look back at them retrospectively and think about them, like he does at the end of this chapter, but in the moment, I don't think it's voluntary at all. I think if Doumeki had taken that opportunity to just be honest with Yashiro, to tell him how he really feels, it would have been met with honesty from Yashiro in turn, because I don't think Yashiro is being dishonest at this point. I think his responses to Doumeki are all real. He says at the end of the chapter "I'm full of contradictions", a direct callback to when Yashiro was a teenager and he thought the same about himself. He's both genuinely triggered by Doumeki's gentility, and at the same time, wants it desperately.

The heartbreaking thing here is, Yashiro is blaming himself for fucking it all up again. He compares himself to livestock that can't change, and says he's completely incapable of growth. Yashiro's self-loathing is on full display. He really believes he'll never be able to move past the seeming contradictions inside him, contradictions he's felt since he was a boy. The longing for love, the deep desire to be loved, and yet, because of the severe abuse he suffered, his inability to receive that love without succumbing to a terrified, panicked response. It's Yashiro's trauma, rooted in what his stepfather did to him for years, that's preventing him from fully embracing Doumeki's love. He wants to, but he can't.

And that's the thing, too. Yashiro has always been aware of the contradictions in himself. He spoke about it as a teenager, about how he wanted to hurt Kage, but how he knew he would be hurt if Kage rejected him. That's where Yashiro misunderstood himself, though. He never wanted to hurt Kage. That was Yashiro's warped perception of himself, the part of him that thinks he wants to destroy beautiful things. It's not that. He's always just been afraid because affection triggers him, and so he convinced himself he wants to be abused, that it's his fault he's been abused because of that, as a means of coping with the way that abuse has destroyed him.

Exacerbating all of it is Doumeki's refusal to drop his mask of indifference. Again, I'm not blaming Doumeki. He's understandably frustrated, and I think starting to become angry, because he thinks it's simply a situation in which Yashiro is refusing to be honest with him about his feelings. He thinks Yashiro is messing with him, so he responds by pretending like he feels nothing for Yashiro. I don't think he realizes that he's only affirming for Yashiro his own fears that he's managed to turn Doumeki against him, that he lost Doumeki's love for him by pushing him away before, which only makes it all the harder for Yashiro to, essentially, ask for help. And Yashiro needs help. He can't do this on his own. He can't process his trauma and explain what's happening to him, explain what he's feeling, without understanding.

I don't think Doumeki understands Yashiro right now. I don't think he understands what's wrong with him.

Yashiro thinks about Doumeki with Izumi, and thinks about himself as a teenager, alone, and correlates his seeming inability to change with that aloneness. Doumeki has moved on from him, he believes, he's found an emotional connection and partner in Izumi, while Yashiro remains stuck in the same place, forever destined to be cut off and isolated from all, human affection.

He needs help. He needs someone to help him work through this, to cope with the fact that he both longs for kindness, gentility and love, while those things also terrify and repulse him and trigger a flight response in him. Yashiro isn't doing this on purpose. He's not lying. His natural inclination and desire for love and kindness is coming into direct conflict with his trauma, with the way those things, as a consequence of the abuse he's endured, have rendered love and kindness triggering to him.

I don't think Doumeki can help him until he figures out that Yashiro isn't being dishonest, but that he's trapped by his own trauma. Until he figures that out, until he realizes just how damaged Yashiro is, he's going to keep pretending he doesn't care about him, either as a punishment, or in some crude attempt to force him into acknowledging his feelings, which ultimately is having the opposite effect. It's only pushing Yashiro into a deeper hole of self-loathing and fear, only reaffirming for him every negative thought and feelings he's ever had about himself.

[bengals-barnesbabe]

Pairing: Joe Burrow x Singer!FemReader

Summary: From the LSU Tigers to the Cincinnati Bengals, their friendship never faded. Their feelings, however, grew stronger and even more oblivious. So obviously this was the job for Venus’ closest friends. Or will 3 years of dancing around each other crash down in 3 days?

Chapter 17: Operation Tiger

#Track9 Masterlist

Warnings: men with feelings, lots of feelings, all the feels, foul language, oblivious characters, angst with a happy ending.

A/N: ITS OUT! I DID IT and now I'm never reading it again, but y'all enjoy. If there are some grammar errors blame Grammarly (we got into a fight at 4 am). Also I edited this while having a dumb allergic reaction to my cat.

Word Count: 5.6k

Part Six 🖤

Friendships are a beautiful thing. Friend groups should be cherished for what they’re worth. These groups are rare, not because they’re hard to make but because they’re hard to keep. All friend groups have rules to keep the status quo for everyone involved. Team Shiesty even had some before they were ever known as Team Shiesty. An unspoken rule that they shared with all other friend groups was:

No one in the group should date anyone else in said group.

Fortunately for them that rule had yet to be broken.

Unfortunately for them two of their founding members had fallen for each other before the group could fully assemble. Which leads us to Operation Tiger. Our quarterback and Venus had been dancing around each other for far too long so the Atlanta natives of the group took it amongst themselves to create a new rule.

If your best friend is hopelessly in love and extremely oblivious to her suitor’s feelings for her, you HAVE TO INTERVENE.

˚₊‧ʚ♡ɞ‎‧₊˚

“If there’s one thing I don't miss about Atlanta, it's that damn traffic.” Venus lays back in her seat as the calmness of the suburbs settles in around her. Joe sat beside her in the driver’s seat, one hand on the wheel and the other tapping the hood as they came to a traffic light. He can’t help but smile at the look of pure boredom on the girl's face.

“I don’t understand why you wanted to drive 2 hours through awful traffic when you could've just hired a driver.” 

“Some of us like driving, you know. Plus it wasn’t that bad.” He shrugged as she pointed out the entrance to her parents' subdivision. 

“Yea yea, take your next 2 lefts then the first right and we’ll be at the house.” He nodded, following the directions through the never-ending neighborhood. 

“I remember absolutely hating it when we moved here. Part of that was just because I was in middle school, so I hated just about everything.”

“You think we would’ve been friends back then if we somehow went to the same school?” He asked jokingly before taking the last right. 

“Honestly J? Maybe? I was an emo chorus girl, but I wasn’t really afraid to talk to anyone if I needed to. I was also kinda nerdy so there’s that.” She shrugged. Soon they reached the cul de sac next to her house and he parked at the end of the driveway.

“Well I was the nerdy jock going through a very awkward puberty stage, so you would have never talked to me. You were probably too cool for me.” He smirked.

Venus playfully smacked his arm and shook her head, “I don't know what Mars told you, but I was not cool, I just talked to people.” Looking up at the light maroon house before her, the hidden anxiety about Joe meeting her parents crept its way back to her mind. 

‘But you were just friends, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, right?’

“You okay?” A shiver made its way up her spine before turning to the baby blue-eyed blond. “Take as long as you need, but I’m pretty sure someone saw us pull in.” He smiled. Blinding.

She attempted to match his expression, “I’m good. Just mentally preparing for the drama film that we’re about to walk into.”

Joe chuckled while pulling the key from the ignition and softly caressing her fidgeting hand. “Let’s go make you the main character then.” She let out a jittery laugh and attempted to shake the nerves off, but her fingers tangled with a loose string of her shirt. ‘Maybe this set wasn’t the best idea.’

Slowly her door was pulled open revealing Joe there with his hand out. Venus took a deep breath and let her friend guide her towards the door. Before either of them could knock or ring the bell, the door was yanked open by a girl with shoulder-length locs.

“Fucking finally! Come here.” Venus squeals as her best friend crushes her in her arms. A fruity but earthy perfume and castor oil fill her senses, images of the days when they walked around the mall complaining about their parents and school teachers flashed in her mind.

“I missed you so much babes.” They break away to wipe away the stray tears that had been shed.

She cupped and smushed Venus’ cheeks with her hands. “I missed you more, you’ve been held hostage by Louisiana long enough. I almost forgot how short you were.” Venus gasped and punched her in the arm.

“I take all of it back, I hate you.” She smirked.

Mars smiled while rubbing her arm, “damn, I forgot how hard you hit.”

“Can y’all move away from the door, so I can see this bitch?” A voice pleaded from behind them.

Mars rolled her eyes then moved over so the curly haired Latina could have a turn. “RiRi.” 

“Oh good, you still look how we left you.” She smirked before pulling her old roommate into a hug. 

“I’m going to try and not take offense to that because I’m excited to see you.”

“What? It’s nice to know that Louisiana or anyone else didn't change you.” She says, eyeing the man behind her.

“Yea speaking of height, can we address the giraffe in the room?” Mars winks, tipping her head like an imaginary hat.

Joe chuckled then ran his hand through his hair. “Guys, this is Joe. Joey, these are my best friends in the entire world, Riana and Mars.” 

“Hey, you can call me Joey if you want. It’s really nice to meet you.” He smiles and awkwardly waves.

“Ohhh I see the appeal now. You’re the silent awkward athlete who likes to surprise people with his abilities.” Mars points out.

“Really? I can see some fuckboy tendencies from here.” Riana replied. 

Venus was dumbfounded, “you just met- can yall bitches be nice, damn?” 

They shared the same smirk before properly introducing themselves to the quarterback, then winked at their friend before retreating into the kitchen. 

“I’m sorry about-

Before she could finish her dad walked into the room. His eyes went to hers, Joe’s then right back to hers with a smirk, he shook his head and grabbed a jacket from the coat rack beside him. Oh fun.

“Y/n, my daughta! Who have you brought into my kingdom today man?” A loud off-key Jamaican accent fills the air as he pulls on an Atlanta Falcons bomber jacket.

Joe stifles a laugh as Venus’ face deadpans. “Joe, this is my father- don't take him seriously. Dad please.” 

The man raised a brow and smirked. “I know not of what I’ve done to earn this treatment oh! This man of anotha tribe threatens my position, I must take charge.”

Venus leans back with her arms crossed. “Did you and Malik watch Black Panther again? Cause your M’Baku impression isn’t any better, probably because you were raised in New York and not Wakanda.”

Her father shrugs and pulls her into a hug. “Maybe I just wanted to embarrass you in front of your new boyfriend, you know show him who’s boss around here.” He winks in Joe’s direction.

As he kisses her head, she pulls away and thumps him on the back of his. “Well, you’ve succeeded- with the first part! Everyone knows I’m the real boss around here.”

The old man snorts. “Yes, yes I know. She’s been bossing me around since she learned to walk, so I’m excited for someone else to take that place.” Making his daughter roll her eyes as he winks again.

“She does have a nook for making sure things go her way.” Joe chuckled.

Venus whirls around a smacks his arm. “You two are not supposed to be ganging up on me, you’re not even supposed to like each other right now.” 

Joe rubs his arm feigning an injury. “I can’t even play anymore, I should see a doctor.” 

While her dad punches the air. “Yes, finally a win for my Falcons. I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. I’d like to thank my wife for agreeing to go on that date with me, my daughter for injuring her star quarterback boyfriend-

Venus gapes at the dramatic men, then shakes her head and walks away. “I can not believe this is happening, he’s not even my boyfriend. How do I find these ridiculous people?”

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

After meeting the rest of Y/n’s family, Joe was finally able to shake some tension off his shoulders. For the past few days, all he could think about was this moment. Football he could practice, he knew the expectations on that field. But this, meeting the parents of the woman written all over his heart, was anxiety-inducing. No amount of preparation could prepare him for how it will all eventually go down. He hoped they’d be overjoyed and give him their blessing and by the way it’s going, he’s more than hopeful for this outcome. 

The plan leading up today today was she would catch a flight to Cincinnati Thursday night and then fly to Atlanta together the next evening. Nowhere in the plan did it say that Y/n could show up Tuesday night completely unprovoked and surprise him after he got back from practice. 

Even though they had been friends for years, he had never been so nervous to be around her for those 3 days. He tried to remain as calm and normal as possible; they joked around, cooked together, and shared the same bed as they normally would. 

Joe wasn't a total idiot, he knew their relationship was tiptoeing along the lines of something more. But after a year of helplessly pursuing her in college, he thought it’d be better if they were just friends. Eventually, he gave up on that idea altogether because, with the feelings he was harboring for her and Ja’Marr’s constant need to nag him about how dumb the situation was, the only one that needed convincing was her.

But this weekend was what he was playing the long game for, it’s his final chance to come clean about how he truly felt. And he hoped those feelings were reciprocated or the entire weekend would be a bust. And he definitely wouldn’t be playing the best tomorrow.

As soon as she left the room the temperature felt like it had been dialed to 100, Joe had never wished he had his headband so badly without being in the middle of a grueling practice. Her father gestured to the white couch behind him and they took a seat. 

“Your home is beautiful.” Joe starts as he’s trying to conceal his nervousness, but the constant wiping of his palms on his jeans tells another story. 

“Thank you, I assume Y/n told you that she hated it when we first got it.” Her dad chuckled trying to lighten the air. 

“Oh yeah, the whole moody middle school bit too.” He could only imagine what she was thinking about this interaction and how wrong it would be when it was revealed. 

“If someone had told me that kids didn’t like moving so close to their school, then maybe we wouldn't be here. But that’s not what I want to talk about and I doubt you’re here to hear about how much I don’t know my daughter.” The older man smirked.

“How’d you guess? But yeah, there’s something I felt would be best to talk about in person, if that’s okay with you, sir?” The quarterback clasps his hands together and straightens his spine.

“I thought so. How long have you been in love with her?” Joe’s eyes widen and his mouth dries as the gentleman relaxes his stance.

“F- shit sorry, wasn't expecting you to- wow um how did you know?”

The dad lets out a dry chuckle, “I’ve been in your spot before. I know what a hopeless man in love looks like and you didn’t take an eye off of her until she was completely out of your sight.”

“She seems to be the only one that hasn’t noticed it, but as cheesy as it sounds I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in love with her. I’ve never been one to believe in myths like ‘love at first sight,’ but there’s no other way to describe it. I transferred to LSU for a fresh start, I just wanted to play football then when life finally started working out in my favor, she walked in. She’s funny, beautiful, smart, talented- the whole package. I’m kinda glad we didn’t date back then, I know it was only two years ago but I wasn’t ready for a woman like her.” He smiles fondly as the memories of them flash through his mind.

“And what about now, do you think you’re ready to start a relationship with my daughter that could potentially last a lifetime?” For the first time, Joe looks your father in his eyes with no fear or anxiety.

“Sir you don’t understand, I mean you do, but I’ve pictured Y/n as my future since we met. I grew up pretty well off, but I wanted to put in the work doing something I love so I could provide what I had for my future family. After a year in the league, there’s only one thing missing from my life, and it’s her. I mean I spent 3 days with her just in the house and I felt like I could do that for the rest of my life. I’ve known that she’s the one for me since we met, now all I need to do is finally tell her that.” 

The old man smiles as a few tears streak down his face, he wipes them away and then holds out his hand to the young quarterback. Joe takes his hand and gets pulled into a tight hug. “There’s nothing that makes me happier than when someone shows the same love and devotion to my little girl that I’ve been trying to show her for years. As long as you promise to keep a smile on her face and love in her heart, you have all the blessings in the world from me. Thank you, Joe.”

They let go with permanent grins on their faces. “No need for that, I’d do anything for her.”

“Good. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”  

“So, you think she believes that we’ve been talking about ‘ball this whole time?” Joe joked.

“As long as she stayed out of this room, 100 percent. She’s clueless when it comes to it, so we could make up a term and she’d be convinced.” The men share a laugh before a head pops out of the kitchen.

“Hey, you guys hungry? Food’s ready. Let’s eat everyone!” Her mom announces.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

As the food is going around the table, Venus sneaks off to grab her purse. By the time everyone is settled, she clears her throat and stands next to her father. 

“So, I have something to tell you guys. No, I’m not pregnant, dating, engaged, married, or dying; before you start to conjure up some random assumptions.” She glared at Malik, her younger brother, who was holding in a laugh.

“First, I just want to thank everyone for coming. I know the last 2 years apart were hard but ‘time makes the heart grow fonder’ says some random dead guy.” Most of the table chuckles. “But seriously, I’m glad all my best friends could meet and hopefully talk about how much of an amazing person I am.”

“Venus keep talking and I’ll tell him all about how amazing you were in high school.” Mars smiles as the girl’s eyes slightly widen.

“Okay, as most of you should know, there’s this little game happening tomorrow. Nothing big or fancy, and I definitely didn’t bring one of the players to dinner, but I digress.” She shrugs extremely unbothered, causing her father and the quarterback to snort.

“Since I now hold the title of Assistant Physician Technician at Baton Rouge Clinic, I still have no money thanks to my glorious student loans. But y’all should still thank me for becoming best friends with some random football guys because everyone will be attending their first NFL game tomorrow night.” She cheesed fanning herself with their game day tickets.

Joe smirked as she sat down after handing over the passes. “Wow, and you said they were dramatic.” 

“Did you or did you not say that I was gonna be the main character when we walked in? I’m just doing your expectations justice.” Joe shook his head and draped his arm over her chair while pulling her a bit closer with his leg.

After dinner, all the women, except Venus per her mom’s request, help clean up the table and take the leftovers to the kitchen. 

“I don’t understand why we can’t drag Y/n over here to help.” Riana scoffs. 

Amina, Venus’s mom, shushes her and pulls the two girls into the empty dining room. “I’m having Malik distract her so we can talk about what is going on between my daughter and that footballer.”

The girls share the same knowing and scheming expression. “We may have an idea about that.” Mars starts.

“Yes, and what is it?” Amina crosses her arms.

Riana glances into the living room to make sure no one is eavesdropping, “ok they really are just friends right now, but we know that they have really strong feelings for each other. I came up with a plan to finally get V to do something about the tension and I’m very proud of it.” She smiles.

Mars rolls her eyes and rubs her temples. “Her plan is absolutely ridiculous, but we know it’s going to work because we’ve been friends long enough to know what makes that girl tick. So it involves his ex, a woman she hated more than anything when they were dating.”

The African mother nods but sucks her teeth, “why hasn’t she told me anything?”

“Cause you’re scary. Ow-” Mars elbows Riana before butting in. 

“She didn’t even want to tell us until we kinda forced it out of her. She doesn’t want to let herself revel in it for too long because she doesn't want to get her heart broken again.” She stretches the truth just a bit, the older woman did not need to know how their relationship actually worked. 

“That makes sense, ok go back out there.” The girls let out a much-needed breath as they were dismissed. “Wait, what do you mean again!”

Back in the living room, your brother is sitting on your dad’s armchair flipping through a photo album dedicated to your childhood. The three-seater next to him is now occupied by your mom and friends, while you and Joe are sharing a two-seater on the other side of the armchair. After learning the truth about you, your mom takes special notice of the fact that you’re sitting with your legs across Joe’s lap and one of his palms wrapped around your ankle.

“Oh look here’s a pic of Y/n trying to catch balloons while her pants are falling down.” Malik attempts to show J before you yank the book out of his hands.

“Ok, that’s enough, let’s put the album away now.” 

“Hey we were getting to the best part, I was in the next frame.” He fake pouts.

The scowl painted on your face causes him to break out into another laughing fit. “I despise you.”

“Come on babe, it wasn't that bad,” Joey smirks, then looks down at his phone. 

He just called me- which doesn't matter because you’re best friends duh. 

“Shi- it’s almost 7, we gotta go. I have to meet with Taylor in like an hour.”

“Why so late?”

“Who’s Taylor?”

“Taylor Swift?”

“A meeting past 5 pm is a criminal offense.”

“Y’all are so unbelievably nosy.” 

Joe throws his head back laughing. “I love your family, I don’t know why you didn't introduce us sooner.” Yea.. I definitely don't know.

“Zac Taylor’s his head coach. Remember there’s kind of a game tomorrow.”  

“Yeah and I may have ditched a meeting so we could drive up here,” J says sheepishly, once he’s done dying of laughter.

During his fit of laughter, some of his hair flung out of place giving him a more shaggy look. “You didn’t have to come if it was gonna get you in trouble.” Forgetting where you are for a moment, you begin to fluff out the front of his blond locks, then rake your fingers through the rest before settling on the back of his neck. 

His fond eyes meet yours. “I wanted to, plus you were just gonna make the trip yourself or end up ranting about not going while I’m trying to sleep?” 

You squinted and shrugged. “Touché.”

“Wait, you’re sharing a hotel room?” Your brother’s voice breaks you out of your bubble. When you look up, everyone’s eyes are glued to you. You’re now hyper-aware of your hand that’s been gently scratching his neck, your legs that somehow always end up in his lap, and the cautious hold he has on them. 

Removing yourself from his space, you begin to gather your stuff. “Um yeah, there was an empty spot that was already paid for and J offered me the bed.” 

There were no prepaid rooms left. 

“That’s very nice of you Joe.” Riana winked. 

A deep flush crept up his face, “It was nothing, what are friends for.” 

Mars beamed, “Exactly. He knows the real value of friendship. I mean look at him, breaking preset rules about boy-girl friendships.”

Your brows furrowed as you studied the two women. “Okay? We’re going to go now. Thank you for everything and I’ll see y'all tomorrow at the game.”

Your mother’s face brightened as you hugged then walked towards the door. Joe dapped up your dad and brother following your exit. “Thanks for the chat.” He smiled, then joined you in the rental. 

“That went really well.” You relax buckling your seatbelt

“Mhmm, told you you were anxious for no reason. Shit I was worried for no reason.” Joe says as he puts the car in reverse.

“You were anxious, really?”

He nods. “Oh yeah, more than you think.”

“Huh, I couldn’t tell. Hey if this NFL thing doesn’t work out maybe you should try acting. Today’s performance was outstanding.” You chuckled.

“Yeah absolutely not, I can barely do commercials and they want me to ‘be myself’ or whatever that means.” He shakes his head as your laughter bellows.

The ride back to the hotel was peaceful, the roads were clear, and the sky filled with stars, it was the perfect night. Until Joe’s phone started buzzing every 5 seconds. He tried to ignore it by listening to cars zooming by, but whoever it was really wanted his attention.  

He sighed. “Could you get that for me?” 

“You’re very popular tonight.” You snorted, then picked up the phone. Your face dimmed as you read the series of ‘I miss you’ texts all coming from the same number. It was unknown but you could tell they weren’t from some random fling. Your gaze was locked on each message, you could bet money on who they were from. She used to be obsessed with the idea of him. He gave her a chance for a few months, she started changing him into someone else. He stopped hanging out with you as often and-

“Who is it?” 

“If it’s Zac just tell him we’re on our way.” His words floated around unanswered. 

“Y/n?”

You broke out of your trance and looked over at the man driving before quickly turning your attention to the world outside the window, “it was nothing. Wrong number.”

The phone was placed on ‘do not disturb’ and forgotten about for the rest of the ride. 

The atmosphere in the car didn’t change from that moment, a perfect silence was replaced with a frigid one. You spaced out for the remainder of the ride, not wanting to show how it affected you. Joe noticed the odd silence but dismissed it as fatigue from the long day. Which it was, that could never ruin the comfortableness of their surroundings.

The car finally pulled into the Hilton valet entrance around 10, you unbuckled yourself then sunk into the seat. The late hour meant you had to wait for someone to come outside, in the meantime you attempted to lose yourself in the night sky. The antsy feeling bubbling under your skin was beginning to eat away your patience. Joe, finally able to get a good look at you, watched the way your knees bounced, the way your hands were picking at themselves and the lack of attention towards him.

“Ok what’s wrong, you were fine all night until you saw my phone. So what’s bothering you?” 

You scoffed, it’s just like guys to identify the problem not even realizing it was the problem. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”

“Fine, if you aren’t going to talk then I will.” Your gaze was unwavering from the doors of the Hilton.

“Damn okay, look I feel like I’ve been trying to say this for the last two years, clearly I haven’t been very successful. Y/n I don’t like us being so far apart. I mean, location wise and relationship wise- yea. Fuck. Joe just do it.” Some part of you would’ve laughed at his inability to coherently express himself, but you couldn’t get past the irony.

“I really like you Y/n, I have for a long time and-

Shaking your head, you can’t help the words that start flying out, “bullshit. How can you say that when Megan or some random bitch is constantly blowing up your phone?”

“Megan? Y/n there’s nothing going on between us anymore, that ended over a year ago. You are the only woman I have feelings for, I don’t care about whoever’s in my DMs or calling me up.” As he went on the feelings of doubt still lingered.

“I somehow don’t believe that Joe, call me fucking insecure but if you wanted me to believe that you would’ve blocked the numbers. It’s like you wanted to know that they’ll always want you and you can go back whenever you want.” Your vision began to blur with unshed tears. You don’t believe the words falling from your lips, this has never been a problem between you. But this is more than just a fight with your best friend.

“I don’t know what I can do to convince you that you’re the only one I care about.” He huffed laying back in his seat. Then his eyes widen, “wait you wouldn’t feel this way if you didn’t also have feelings for me.” A bit of hope fills his chest.

“So what?” You finally meet his crystal blue eyes. “You clearly have other priorities, so let’s just leave it at that. I’m tired so let’s just talk tomorrow.” With that, you left the car and entered the hotel.

“Y/n! Wait!”

The next few minutes are a blur, the bellhop rushes past you to help with the bags as you hand the lady at the desk your ID. Once she hands you your key, you b-line to the elevator, not waiting for a second. By the time Joe gets to the desk, you’re already in the room.

The lady at the desk confirms his identity and reminds him of the meeting he has with Taylor, but all he can think about is how this night went so bad so fast. He takes the elevator to the 12th floor where both their room and the meeting are and enters the one cracked open while his bags are wheeled further down the hall.

“Well look who’s decided to grace us with his presence. You were supposed to be back over an hour ago.” His manager, Dan, presses.

Joe takes a seat at the opposite side of their round table and runs his fingers through his hair. “Shit happens, can we start now?”

Coach Taylor takes a note of his behavior and quickly runs through everything he needs to know. He lectures for a total of 20 minutes and answers questions for 10 before he runs out of material. The entire time Joe took the sloppiest notes of his life and couldn’t care less about what the chicken scratch said. “Well that’s it, any other comments, questions or concerns?”

“How do you make a girl listen to you?” 

That raises the older mens’ attention just as quickly as when he walked in.

Zac speaks up first, “in my experience you need to have something to say that’s worth listening to.”

“I told her that I love her.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “Y/n?” The player nodded.

“And she didn’t believe you?” He nodded again.

“What happened before you said it?”

“Nothing, she was quiet the entire ride but something changed during the last 10 minutes. I got some spam texts from an unknown number and she got awkward. Then when we got here she brought it up again, but it didn’t make sense. She had no reason to be upset.” He huffed.

The older men looked at him amused. “What?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Did you read what the messages said?”

He shrugged. “No, why would I?” 

“I don’t know man, maybe because she read them and got upset.” Zac pondered.

“Give me your phone.” He hands over the device per his manager’s request. The man quickly goes through the messages before putting the phone back in his eye line. “Read it, aloud.”

“I miss you….. Why was she replying? She doesn’t compare….leeching off you…taking advantage. What the fuck?” His brows knitted. 

“Now do you see why she was mad?” Dan smirked.

“Fuck, I need to fix this.” Joe gets up and marches towards the door. “Oh and thanks for the help. I’ve been saying that a lot today.”

By the time Joe enters the room, he’s got a full speech in his head that he's gone over several times and he’s prepared to unleash it immediately upon seeing you. Except there’s no trace of you in the room. Your bags are gone, your phone isn’t near a bed, neither of beds even look like they’ve been touched. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. There’s no way I messed up for a third time.” 

He starts pacing the room. This was supposed to be his chance, this was going to be the story he tells the grandkids. They were supposed to hear about their great love story and carry on his legacy. But instead he’s going to die that weird uncle that’s obsessed with cartoons and UFC. 

He finally sits down in the chair next to your bed facing the downtown skyline replaying the day’s events in his head and completely ignoring the door next to his own.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

The second you got to the room all you wanted was a hot shower to help relieve some of the stress and tension from the car. It only took about 5 minutes for the young bellhop to come to the door, you gave him his tip, grabbed your duffle and went straight to the bathroom. You oiled your scalp then placed a shower cap over your hair and spent 30 minutes underneath the boiling water. 

After doing your much needed self care routine, you left the bathroom steamy and with 40% less stress than before you started. You softly shut the door then turned around to see a figure sitting next to your bed.

“Joey?” He gets up and slowly turns around, the sight of his red eyes, tear stained cheeks and messy hair makes you crumble.

“Oh my god, what-

Before you could finish he takes a few long strides towards you and pulls you into him. “Baby what happened?”

“I can’t lose you again.” He croaked. “Y/n, it’s always been you. I love you more than anything. Nothing she said in those texts was true, I’d give you the world with everyone still on it. You’re my biggest supporter, you’re the only one that knows me on a deeper level than -fucking- myself. I don’t wanna go another minute without you knowing how much you mean to me, how much I fucking love you and how much I’d do anything just to make you smile. I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you. I just wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to have a story that would transcend galaxies. I-

“Joey!”

He finally stops and stares into your eyes. “I always loved how rich and glittery your eyes got when you’re in the light.”

What a goof.

You rolled those glittery eyes, pulled him down by his collar and crashed your lips against his. After the initial shock wears off, he returns it making you sink into his hold. His hands dig into the softness of your waist and your arms wrap around his neck with your fingers immediately finding their home scratching and running through his hair. His hands wander further down mapping every inch of your body before one softly grips the meat of your ass causing a ‘gasp’ to leave your lips giving him the opening to allow his tongue to explore more of your mouth. Your bodies rock together until your knees hit the edge of his bed and you fall into it without breaking apart your lips. He grabs a hold of your thighs and flips you over so you’re on top. A sharp tug at his roots releases a deep vibrating groan that causes flutters in your lower stomach. 

“Joey.” A whine finally breaks you from the heat of his mouth. You open your eyes to his dazed eyes and smiling bruised lips. “Yea?”

“I love you too.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Main Masterlist

Taglist: @light-yagami-l

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A/N: As always: likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated and welcomed.

[plutosunshine]

Astro Notes Pt. 10

✨ It is very interesting to me that both Gemini and Virgo are ruled by Mercury but are so different. Especially in terms of lies. Gemini's lies are their second nature. It doesn’t mean they lie all the time but if they need to, it is not a big problem. Also, they (I mean Gemini placements) are good at uplifting their friends so they’ll lie to make a friend happy. At the same time, Virgo placements feel like they betray themselves when they lie. Sometimes they say the truth that hurts but you may be sure that Virgo won't stab you in the back.

✨ Leo Mars people want to be right soooo much! They feel offended when they are wrong. It is that kind of person who will tell you “WHAT I TOLD YOU! I WAS RIGHT!”.

✨ I know this thing may be applied to any Pisces placement but Pisces Moon just NEEDS someone to help out. They feel empty when they aren’t doing something good for others. They may even have helpless friends with addictions or mental issues so that they could be there for them.

✨ Having 8th house overlays with your friends is sooo good. You are going through tough experiences together and transforming each other. This is the type of friend that will help you no matter what. Deep connection, conversations, and mutual understanding. You may help each other to heal deep wounds.

✨ Yes, it is very difficult to be on the same wave with a person whose Moon squares yours. However, when you have a deep bonding and desire to develop a relationship, you can deal with it. You have to understand that you never will fully understand the deep feelings and emotions of each other and you will never fully relate but know that you may find a way to cope. With time, it even deepens your connection, because you need to be more attentive and understanding.

✨ I want to mention again how important it is for Virgo Suns to have a purpose or do something no matter what. Virgo energy is so hard-working and restless that you need to navigate this energy to the right place. When you have nothing to do, no purpose or things to do, you subconsciously blame and criticize yourself which leads to low energy levels and low self-esteem.

✨ Also, Sun square Pluto can relate as well. Pluto creates much tension and when a person doesn’t have something where they can invest this intense energy, a person starts to destroy themselves.

✨ People with the 7th house in Aquarius often remain friends with their exes. I see all the time when their ex is their closest friend after the breakup. Also, it is common among people with Venus in Gemini and the 11th house. But there are a lot of indicators.

✨ People with Jupiter in the 2nd or 8th are so happy. They even don’t do anything but they have money somehow. Money just comes to them easily. (Don’t forget about other placements before saying that it's not true in your case!)

✨ People with the North Node in Leo have a chance to perform throughout their life. Maybe you reject it but it will find you anyway. Even if it is a small concert in your school or a local band that even doesn’t perform that much. Life will gift you opportunities to show yourself so don’t miss it!

✨ If you have Saturn in the 10th house, just listen. DON'T GIVE UP! I know you have high expectations for yourself and you feel incapable at times but once you give up, it will make you miserable. Don't give up on your dreams and goals! If you don’t satisfy this placement it will slowly kill you from the inside.

✨ People with Chiron in the 4th often feel guilt in terms of their family. Whatever happens in their family, they blame themselves. They think they could help or prevent some situations and it may kill them from the inside.

✨ Having Cancer placements for men in our society is crazy. Cancer energy is so vulnerable and sensitive but our society makes men hide it, which leads to suppressed anger and other emotions. That is why a lot of men with Cancer Mars have anger issues. They don’t know how to express emotions and blame themselves when they show weaknesses and insecurities.

[mesetacadre]

So just to preface this is a genuine good faith attempt to rectify my probable gap in understanding, not as any kind of "gotcha" or anything -

I understand that measures like suppression of other parties & anti-Party activity are necessary in the early days of a DotP, when the bourgeoisie haven't been fully ousted and the threat of counterrevolution is high, but hearing about how movements like Hungary '56 and others where legitimate grievances were co-opted by counterrevolutionary elements makes me think that once that phase is over such things become counterproductive?

Like I see other MLs online say that they generally support authoritarianism and that kind of suppression, maybe they're just exaggerating or being ironic and I couldn't tell, and I know that capitalist powers elsewhere are always going to try and forment counterrevolution, but wouldn't the best way to prevent that be to ensure they have no such populist cause to latch on to? Wouldn't a successful communist party have nothing to worry about from other parties if the people were already satisfied with them, why not allow them and show both the people and the rest of the world that nobody has any need or reason to found another?

Hello anon, thanks for taking the time and trying to understand!

First I'll nip this in the bud, "authoritarianism" is not a useful concept at all, every single political action done uses in some way authority, there is no way to get around this. When talking about states, specifically, they all use the same kinds of authority to preserve themselves, so painting just some of them as uniquely reliant on authority is obfuscating the constant violence that sustains any state. what matter is the character of this authority and who it is applied to. In the case of DotBs it is applied on the working class, and viceversa in DotPs. When you see commies saying how much they love authoritarianism or totalitarianism it's just being flippant about the abuse of these terms. Of course we do support the oppression of the bourgeoisie, but it's not a specially evil aspect of communism, it's just turning the tables.

I understand the broader point that you're expressing is that, if communist parties were successful in meeting the needs of the proletariat and educating them politically, then there wouldn't be any strife for external counterrevolutionaries to latch on to. And while this would be correct, I think you're being too idealist when approaching this topic.

First, by the time of the Hungarian uprising, barely a decade had passed since the fascist dictatorship had been beaten and replaced with a socialist government. This is simply not enough time for that situation you're describing to happen, in fact some protestors used the flag of the aforementioned fascist dictatorship. Obviously there is some fault to be placed on the Hungarian and Soviet governments for not preventing this. But given the very demanding reconstruction efforts (eastern Europe did not get billions of dollars in aid from a country untouched by the war!), I wouldn't blame the Hungarian socialist government a lot.

What you're describing has happened before too, at least partially. In one of Louise Anna Strong's books, I think The Soviets Expected It, she describes how, during the invasion of the USSR (and the nazis admitted this is internal documents as well!), the SS had a lot of trouble or simply could not get Belarussians to turn on their Jewish compatriots. In a place where during the beginning of the century pogroms had happened under the Tsar, in just 30 something years the USSR did manage to extirpate antisemitism from the general population.

However, exploiting already existing strife is not the only tool the external bourgeoisie can use to destabilize a DotP. Sabotage, assassination (kudos to my buddy Fidel), infiltration, or simply overt military threats. All of those also require self-defense measures to be taken.

With all of this being said, I also want to add that, in the timescale socialism has been allowed to develop in so far, you can't really talk about the totatily of a population supporting a DotP. Perhaps when socialism is developed enough and when the international capitalists are weakened enough that can begin to be possible. But it's unrealistic to demand in the current context for a DotP to content every single individual in the country.

[kimbappykidding]

Other Parts: Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.

You'd started dating V 2 years after he debuted. Your company Cube were not thrilled about it. They knew they couldn't stop you or any of your G(I)-dle members from dating but they hoped you'd atleast date someone from the big 3 so if it got leaked you'd get a ton of publicity (you'd also get a ton of hate but they didn't care about that). BTS hadn't blown up yet so they saw you dating V as pointless, but you didn't.

V first caught your eye because of how good-looking he was. Then you also saw how sweet and kind he was and you knew you had a thing for him. You admired him for a while before you started trying to express your interest in him. You started bowing more to him, smiling, saying small things like "good luck" before BTS went on stage. It worked and you became friendlier and friendlier until one night V came over to you at a party and asked you out. You of course said yes and got on instantly. You really weren't slumming it by dating someone like V and it was your company's fault if they couldn't see that.

The two of you were really happy for a while. You had 3 years of bliss but that all started to change when BTS' fame skyrocketed. At first, you were thrilled for V! You knew how hard he and the guys worked and how they'd been overlooked for 5 years but fame is weird and we all crave attention and praise so you didn't fully blame V for what happened.

Suddenly everyone wanted to know him. Guys who couldn't be bothered to respond to him when he bowed to them were inviting him to A-list parties. Girls who'd never even spoken to him were acting like they were best friends with him. Particularly the ones from big companies. You decided to let V do what he wanted with it and let him enjoy parties and events on his own. He deserved the praise, not you and you didn't want to be accused of riding his coattails. Plus you never liked all that party stuff so you just waited home for V but slowly things started to change.

You saw V less for one thing and when you did see him, things were different. His team were styling him weirdly and trying to change things about him to make him appeal to an even wider audience. They toyed with his appearance like he was doll and started changing more personal aspects of him. His interests began to change and even the way he spoke altered. It would take him a few minutes each time you were together for V to shed the idol V and just go back to normal V. You loved when your V was back but it took longer and longer reach time. Not to mention when you did see V on the idol circuit you didn't like what you saw. You hardly recognised the man and didn't like how flirty he was. Sure there were girls throwing themselves at him all over the place but that didn't mean he had to reciprocate. Didn't he care about how you felt watching it?

Apparently not because when you brought it up in the car on the way home V was not happy. He didn't get it and saw your reaction as a lack of trust, completely misreading everything. You argued the whole way home and opening the door to your apartment, V still could understand what was wrong with his behaviour. "V you were flirting with her don't even try and pretend you weren't!". "Okay sure but what's wrong with that? It wasn't really me flirting with her just my character". You blinked "V that makes no sense! We're not actresses and even if you chose to flirt with her because your company asked you to I'm not okay with that". "Why?" V asked "you know none of that is true". "It doesn't matter though the girls you flirt with don't know that and neither do the others watching. Plus why would you even do that? There are some lines you don't cross V and when does flirting turning into more?". "More like what?" V asked and you shrugged "I don't know? A sexy dance together, lingering hands, a kiss...It will only keep getting worse and the lines will keep thinning and people will think that you're up for it" you argued but V was just getting more frustrated.

"I don't get why you're so worried about what other people think. Who cares if they think I'm fucking everyone in the industry, it's not like I'm actually sleeping with these girls and you know that!" V said and you laughed "wow thank you so much for doing that major favour for me!" you said and V rolled his eyes "why are you being so difficult?". "Can you really not see why I'm upset?" You asked and V shook his head "it's not like I'd ever actually cheat on you, I wouldn't go that far" and your jaw actually dropped. "V I don't want you to go anywhere near! It's not good enough that you didn't go too far! I got at first it was exciting having pretty girls from big companies talking to you but how can you not see through it? It's been a year now and none of these people wanted you before you were big!". "But you did so I should be grateful to you?" V asked. "That's not what I'm saying I just...I can feel you pulling away V and if you want out just say so" you said.

That stuck with V and he immediately switched to comforting you, telling you there was no way he'd want that and he'd make you see that. You wanted to believe him but a few months later it started happening again. This time you didn't fight it. You let V break away from you and do his own thing and you ended it 3 months later. You think there was relief from both sides when you did.

It didn't take long for V to start using his newfound freedom and you mainly just tried not to watch but it was hard because now everyone was watching him and news travels fast. You heard how he was seeing a model and then an idol and then an actress and then two models at the same time and it continued. At the few after-parties you went to, V could usually be seen making out with some girl and then another one later in the night. You'd heard he'd jumped into booze, girls and drugs head first and honestly didn't know how much Big Hit was paying the newspapers to keep it quiet but it must be a lot.

Fast forward to 2 years later, BTS were the biggest band in the world and you were happy for V but didn't really think about him much. The V today was a different person from the one you knew who didn't exist anymore. So you didn't even think of them as the same person. It was almost as if V had retired or moved away and there was just this guy who looked and sounded like him but you knew it wasn't him. However there was one person in the world who was sure if anyone could get the old V back, it was you.

You woke up to hear your phone ringing at 4 am. You glared and then gasped as you saw who was ringing, it was V's mum. You'd always been close to V's family when you were dating, especially his mum and towards the end you talked to her more than V. When you told her you'd ended it she understood and said she knew he'd lose you if he wasn't careful. You hadn't spoken to her since apart from Christmas cards so immediately shot up worried this had to be some emergency.

"Y/n it's V! He's not answering his phone and he needs to be at the airport in 2 hours! The boys can't get through to him and they won't let them leave the airport. Y/n he's missed so much if he misses this trip he'll be disciplined or worse" she said near tears and you nodded letting her words sink into your sleepy brain. "Okay so V is late for a flight?" you asked "what time does he need to be there". You confirmed all the details with his mother and then nodded "okay Mrs Kim don't worry I'll go get to him" you said without really thinking. You quickly pulled some clothes on as his mum sang your praises and thanked you a million times. You couldn't believe how quickly you'd offered yourself but for V's distressed mum you'd do anything you could. You promised to text her with updates and then closed your car door. You hadn't been to V's place in years and you hadn't ever planned on going back but here you were

You weren't even sure why V still lived here. Sure it was convenient but he could afford somewhere 5 times the price of this with all the fancy amenities but he'd stayed here for some reason. Maybe he was never here long enough to care about moving.

You walked up the stairs to his place and wondered if he still kept the spare key in the same place. You were kind of counting on it. You searched in his flower pot (which now had a fair few cigarette buds in which was a lovely touch) for the fake rock he'd bought. You found it and pulled it apart to reveal the key. Well some things hadn't changed. You took small comfort in that and opened the door.

The first thing that hit you was the smell of alcohol. It stank and was stale, as if the smell had been there a while. The apartment had changed a lot since you'd been here. Pretty much all the furniture was different and you could see the jump in V's fortune. You didn't like it though. It looked like someone else had decorated as none of this was V's style and it was all too tacky and showy. Then you reminded yourself that the V you knew was gone and this was probably the new V's taste which made you scrunch your nose in distaste.

You made your way further into the living and saw the coffee table was covered in a mix of alcohol bottles and some substances. You tried not to look too closely at everything and hurried through the living room trying to get past the smell and called out for V. You still remembered where the bedroom was and knocked but got no response. So you threw open the door.

V was in bed but you couldn't see him clearly because of the other girls in his bed. Two, one on either side. They were all naked and you assumed V was the lump in the middle. "V get up!" you yelled and knocked loudly on the door. The people in the bed jumped and began to stir. They all made a noise as you yanked the blinds up. V sat up and you realised you'd missed another girl who had been entwined with him. 3 girls and counting you thought, expecting another one to pop out from under the bed.

"Y/n?" V asked confused and you nodded "get up, you're late". "No I'm not I've got until...shit" he said seeing the clock. You nodded "yeah so get up!". "But why did they send you?" V asked and you shook your head "that's not important. What is, is that you've got a plane you can't miss so get up and get dressed. Ladies please gather your things and leave. I will order you a taxi to take you home". The girls did as you said, clearly thinking you worked for V or something and filed out. "You've got 10 minutes to get in the car or I'm leaving without you" you said and walked from the room. You made sure the girls got in their taxi and then went to grab V's suitcase, which was by the door, to find it empty.

You groaned, so annoyed he hadn't even packed and shoved open his bedroom door again to see V had left his bed but hadn't found his clothes. He wasn't shy and turned to face you, without a care in the world and actually smiled. He leaned on his wardrobe slightly "Y/n if you wanted a go all you had to do was ask" he said. You rolled your eyes "been there done that, I'm here because you haven't packed anything" and you walked past him and put the suitcase down on the bed. You turned around to see V standing right behind you, still naked and jumped. You hesitated for a second before your resolve came back. "Why don't you go clean up while I pack, you smell like a nightclub. Where's your passport?". "They have it" he said and you nodded "go wash up" and turned away. "Whatever you say Y/n" V said passing very close to you and he left the room. His words were incredibly sexually charged and you figured he must still be drunk. You could feel his eyes on you as he left the room but refused to turn and look at him.

You grabbed a bunch of clothes, shoes and underwear and shoved them in the suitcase. Then you grabbed his chargers and added them. You knew he'd need his skincare but he was in the bathroom with it and you didn't want to give him any more misguided ideas. You sealed the case and knocked on the bathroom door "5 minutes V, I'll be in the car" and waited.

4 minutes later V appeared, hair still dripping, looking like he'd been in a hurricane but dressed and ready. When he got in you told him to text RM you were on your way and ask where he should go. "Done, so now are you going to tell me why they sent you?" V asked "was it the boys' great idea or management?". "Neither, your mum called me in floods of tears because she thought you were going to be fired". "My mum?" he asked and you nodded "I never deleted her number and I guess she never deleted mine". "Did you delete my number?" V asked and you chose not to reply, putting the radio on instead and V let it drop.

You reached the airport 20 minutes later and V undid his seatbelt. "Thank you Y/n for doing this for me". "I didn't do this for you I did it for your mum" you said but you knew that was only half true. "Well thanks for caring for her, I would like to say I kept the same links with your family but that was never possible huh?". You couldn't believe he was bringing this up now and actually laughed "really? Still not over that?". "I don't think I'm unreasonable for still being upset your parents don't know who I am". "You want them to know who you are? Are you sure about that?" you asked "do you really think they'd be your biggest fan after everything that happened?". V looked down because you got him there and he sighed "sorry I'm still hungover, forget I said anything. Thanks for coming out of your way, I'll call my mum before we take off". You nodded and pressed the button to open the boot "I obviously can't come in with you" and V nodded "thanks again" and stepped out of the car. You didn't wave or anything but when you got far enough away that he couldn't see it...you looked back and saw V disappear inside.

You checked the headlines the next day to make sure V made the flight but other than that you went back to your life, V fading out of it. You didn't even tell your members where you'd been. You didn't know if they'd be upset at you for helping V or get hopeful this could mean something more. Yuqi was firmly of the opinion he didn't deserve anything from you but you knew Shuhua and Seoyeon still held out hope for you two despite everything. They thought V would give up his new lifestyle to be back with you but he couldn't give it up to keep you when he first got it so why would years later be any different?

Then a few weeks later you got some flowers delivered to your building. It was a huge extravagant bouquet that must've been really expensive. You guessed who sent it but sure enough, there was a card with one letter on it. "V". "Who sent them?" Minnie asked and you crumpled the card behind your back "oh just that brand I did that photoshoot with". "Awww that's so sweet!" Soojin said "mine never do that" and you just shrugged but one thing stood out to you. V still remembered what flowers you liked and had the bouquet made custom because they were all there. You remembered just how good a boyfriend V could be when he tried but that was the thing...it was all dependent on him giving a crap.

Some small part of you thought there might be more to this. That V might reach out to you again or this would be a wake-up call to him but no. The girls were always honest with you with any rumours and so a week later Miyeon admitted V had been kicked out of a club for having sex with a woman in the toilets. He'd apparently laughed it off, talked his way back inside and then left with a different girl. You scolded yourself for ever thinking he could change.

So when your friend Kai's birthday rolled around you were feeling a little restless. You wanted to banish any thoughts of V from your head and when you explained the whole thing to Kai he got an idea. He was friends with Jimin who had asked if he could bring Junkook and V with him. Kai checked you were okay with it and then told him yes...but that was months ago and now Kai had his own agenda because he'd heard V had been seen with his ex. "Now I know this is petty but what would you say if I suggested we do something to show V and my ex they're not the only hot idols living their best life?". You smiled "what do you have planned?".

Kai's party was huge because he was Exo's Kai and everyone loved him. So many idols showed up and he rented a mansion which only just fit them in. His party had everything from huge ice sculptures, to trapeze artists and fire breathers (not near one another of course) and the most amazing food in the world. But Kai had purposefully set up a stage overlooking the dance floor outside and about 2 hours in he made his entrance...with you by side.

Kai was the king of dance and so to kick off his birthday he did a dance with you but not any dance, it was sexy even for Kai's standards and you loved it! You adored the sexy concepts and Kai was the dream partner. Kai had choreographed this himself and you were so proud of your best friend so threw yourself into the moves...literally! Kai caught you in his arms and ran his hands down your body as you clung onto him with your legs tight around his waist. Then the next second he flipped you over and you sprang onto your feet beside him. You'd both practised very hard for this (more than you'd care to admit) but this was so much fun! Kai had been through a lot lately and wasn't sure if his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him with V so to see him so happy warmed your heart. You did everything you could to make Kai seem as sexy and amazing as possible and it wasn't hard.

You and Kai had warned your members that you'd be doing this dance but they still cheered and acted like it was the first hearing about it and to be fair their surprise was genuine. The girls hadn't seen you be this carefree and sexy since you broke up with V and they loved it. The Exo members saw Kai was in his element and screamed for him as loud as any EXO-L.

The dance finished with you and Kai pressed together, faces inches apart and the room erupted. You were pretty sure you could hear each of your members individually screaming in the roar and Kai recognised Suho's scream anywhere. Kai was so excited and had a beautiful smile on his face as he pulled you towards him and looked at the crowd. "Fuck him Y/n you're gorgeous" he said and your eyes found V in the audience. You moved them off him immediately and back to Kai "and so are you, she doesn't know what she's missing" and Kai smiled "and this is why you're my best friend, let's get down there!" and you agreed and took his hand descending down the staircase together for the night of your lives.

The party went on until the early hours of the morning and Kai only finally went to bed at 7 am. You set him up in one of the bedrooms upstairs and decided to do a sweep of the house before also going to sleep. You were in the garden wondering if to leave Sehun asleep in the bushes when you felt someone behind you.

You turned to see Jimin who smiled awkwardly. V had left ages ago, not long after your dance actually, but Jimin and Jungkook had stayed late. "Hey" Jimin said "I left my phone here accidentally and was naively thinking it might still be here. Have you seen one?". "Grey/black swirl phone case?" and Jimin's eyes lit up "you've seen it?". You smiled "I found it last night and put it somewhere safe" you said directing him to the kitchen. You opened the oven and saw Jimin's jaw drop. "Hey this is a fake house and nobody was going to start cooking so it was safe I promise". Jimin clutched his phone tightly but nodded" thanks Y/n" and you nodded to him "no problem".

An awkward silence settled and you had no idea what to say to him. The elephant in the room was V but how could either of you bring that up naturally? "Congratulations on the Grammys" you said and Jimin looked back up from the floor "thank you, it was surreal but so fun". You smiled "you deserve it, we were all cheering you on". "Thanks Y/n" Jimin said "I'm glad you're happy" he said when you frowned he gestured upstairs "with Kai?" he half asked. You didn't want to tell him it had all been a ploy to make his friend jealous but also didn't want to lie and say it was true so you just looked down nodding. "Thanks...I should probably actually go see if he needs any help with anything" you said and Jimin nodded "of course thanks Y/n and with a bow, he left.

One thing was for sure, the party and your plan was a raging success. You were sure you'd never hear from V again...but you did.

This will be a four-part series and I will post the new parts at the top of this page when they are up!

I hope this goes without saying but this is all fictional!!!! I am not saying V does any of these things and took creative liberty. This is all made up and I am not trying to imply anything. So...if you want a fun fake kpop story with the very hot Taehyung then stick around.

[ddaroll]

To be honest, I feel uncomfortable that Transformers fandom has a tendency to want Optimus only to be morally flawless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have to love all OP.

I fully understand with all my respect if you only want that kind of Optimus who is morally flawless.

The problem is the overcriticism of him who does not fit that standards of fandom.

Optimus is like the icon of Transformers. so he's in everyone's head like a soup with the images of all continuities rather than being thought of separately in each universes.

And if some Optimus in a particular continuity is being morally gray or making bad choices, people simply just read the wiki or read posts about that or ignore about the context why he made such choices then overcriticize him with confidence like he's the only one who's done wrong/bad things in the story.

And that's… that's just so weird. I've seen so many posts that overcriticizing him and getting self-righteous. They seem to feel themselves like… morally neat when they criticize Optimus. "I'm a very smart and analytical person who can spot these flaws even this overrated moral icon character!"

and... idk why but they are also obsessed with collecting Optimus' little faults and saying that Optimus should beg Megatron for forgiveness for THAT.

It's really weird considering Megatron also has done so many wrong things and they're always throwing same shits at each other in stories, but beyond that, above all, THEY ARE ALREADY PAST THAT STAGE!!

The two are no longer care about minor disputes in the past!!!

Megatron just wants to make Optimus know that his way is wrong, you little blind idealist, and Optimus is like "please just stop that madness and genocide and colonization. Universe hates us for this."

Do you really think that if Optimus apologizes to Megatron for the little things he did wrong in the past, the war will end just magically? AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT OPTIMUS NEVER TRIED SUCH THINGS DURING THE WAR?

I mean, if you really love and understand Optimus Prime, you should know that Optimus would have tried all the nonviolent ways to end the war arleady!

The initial feud between the two is no longer a matter now!The war between of them is now nothing but a huge ideological conflict!!

They are just divorced old men with a long history, not a fresh couple just started meeting each other!!!!!!

I just can't understand unless they enjoy criticizing the character who is considered as a moral icon to self-righteous themselves. I would fully understand if they criticize other characters equally, but no, they always have a huge double standard just for Optimus.

if they are all just nothing but Optimus haters, I still don't like it, but I could understand but this is also actually happening in Optimus fandom. Please show some love for him. at least don't try to prove your morality through him. please.

Oh I just read through what I wrote and I can see my anger is being expressed like a gradation LMAO I'm so sorry lol

anyway, so, yeah, please just see him as the same way like when you see the other common characters.

If you don't think of him as an overrated moral icon, or someone who should always be right, or a vessel of some kind of old ideologies (somehow people think that objectively correct ideologies are boring and outdated), but a person, you can enjoy the Transformers stories so much deeper. a low understanding of him will prevent you from enjoying thoes stories a lot. Like those ppl who blame Optimus just for cooperating with Ghost, without thinking about the consequences of not cooperating with them.

btw, the reason why I deleted my old tumblr was largely because of this. Back then, IDW Megatron was showing his redemption arc, and IDW Optimus was making mistakes to keep the peace he had barely achieved. and… yeah, I think you would know what was happend in Tumblr at the time. I left the fandom for 4 years because of that. The funny thing is, I didn't even know I was in love with Optimus until then. Anyone who knew me at that time would know how crazy I was about MTMTE lol

[mangora]

I’m a big proponent of the whole “Mike is an asshole sometimes” thing, I really am, I think it humanizes him a lot and just makes him a lot more interesting. He’s shitty towards his alters at times, he has his bitchy moments especially towards Scott, and he clearly has some anger that he doesn’t know how to express (hence Chester and Mal existing). But I really don’t like when people are like “Mike is a villain” or “Mike is actually a bad person” or “Mike is a manipulative liar” tbh. And I’m aware that it’s probably kinda my fault that that’s become a sorta popular sentiment because I’ve written fics where characters like Scott or Mal call Mike a bad person, and I do think that’s something they believe (or at least, I think it’s something Scott would say to get under Mike’s skin and something that Mal would say to push him away, and something that they’d both sort of convince themselves of to comfort themselves)— not saying this as a like “you guys don’t understand my writing thing” like genuinely I wrote a lot of that when I was just a worse author because I was like 16-17 and I wasn’t getting my point across well. But I just think people miss some of the complexity of Mike’s character when they reduce his worse traits to “Aha! See! Mike sucks!” because his reasons are pretty understandable I feel. Mike’s a teenager with trauma, it’s likely he doesn’t trust people easily and has had issues making or keeping friends in the past. Of course he’s worried about people finding out he has DID. Of course he hides it and of course that will negatively affect his alters. Of course he might have issues understanding that his alters are fully formed people. Of course he has issues opening up to close friends, because what if he loses them. Of course he gets upset when Scott is obviously fucking with the people he grows close to, and of course he doesn’t trust him. Of course he gets annoyed with and mad at Scott after he literally blackmails him— hell, Mike’s kind of a saint for not just throwing Scott off a cliff for that one, he’s the one person I can’t really blame for laughing at Scott in the trauma chair even if it’s still kinda out of character imo. Of course when Mal comes back he’s afraid to tell anyone about him and puts himself in danger to protect others, and of course when Mal traps him he’s angry at him. Like idk obviously this doesn’t make Mike a perfect flawless angel, these are still character flaws, it’s not good that he’s resilient to communicate these things— but also I don’t think it makes him a bad person really because it’s ultimately self-preservation done in the only way he really knows how, without the intent to harm anyone and without doing excessive damage in the process. He just wants to feel safe and loved man, I think that’s a lot better of an angle than “Mike’s actually a bad person and hates his alters and he’s a control freak and he’s just as bad as the villains”, like maybe Scott would think that or like, Chris might, but I feel like it’s kinda reductive to look at him that way. Does this make sense wtv my brain fog is like disastrous atm

[a-wins-a-win]

wanna talk about sex (but we're not allowed)

potentially controversial b;apo take, but hey, why not -- there are many more things i would've liked to say, but they didn't really fit neatly into the main thesis i was working under ;

the merit of considering Jason and Ivy's sex during 'One' as a depiction of assault, drawing parallels to Spring Awakening

To preface; I acknowledge that I am not using 1:1 examples. Since both b;apo and Spring Awakening are stage shows, there is so much of the atmosphere that is created through lighting and blocking and the subtleties in the way that each of the characters are played against one another, there’s no way to make a definitive blanket statement. That said, I was personally inspired by the production of b;apo I got the absolute pleasure of seeing live last year. Not only did we have the Ivy ever, but the team made an, in my opinion, super brilliant choice when it came to 'One'. They cut the “it was cute” line from Jason when Ivy’s apologising, and they really played up a visceral discomfort and overwhelm, culminating in Jason pacing up and down beside the bed while Ivy tells him he is “all [she] need[s]”, and it’s at that point that he concedes before focus shifts across to Peter trying to call his mother on the phone.     

Right off the bat, I think we’d be remiss not to acknowledge the gender dynamics at play when drawing these parallels, especially when gender as a concept intersects so much with the way sexuality is understood and explored by the characters in both b;apo & Spring Awakening. In particular I want to touch on the fact that - at least to my perception - Jason’s fully realised masculinity functions almost as a barrier to his emotions within the context of the story overall, but also when it comes to the meta context of his decision to have sex with Ivy. Because Jason is presented as this sporty, conventionally hot, outgoing guy who is popular with women, and because he is the one who is delivering most of these innuendos during 'You & I', I think there is a subconscious bias towards seeing him as someone who wouldn’t have sex with anyone he didn’t want to. And while generally a fair assessment, I think this subconscious bias is what leads people to unfairly assign amounts of blame when it comes to an analysis of his and Ivy’s relationship. Of course, 'One' and 'I Believe' don’t serve as exactly 1:1 examples even without the gender factors, given the time periods in which both shows were written and set, but I think both explore the idea of a grey area when it comes to sex as the crux of complicated relationships, both shows have running themes of dubious consent and religion, and most obviously both instances result in a pregnancy. 

Where it gets interesting to me is where the lines start to blur — yes, Wendla “let [Melchior] love [her]”, and Jason made Ivy “make [him] promise […] ‘I love you’” — but the contexts of both shows paint Wendla and Jason as confused and uncertain. Both Melchior and Ivy know, or believe they know, within themselves that both parties want to have sex. And while they may be correct on the subconscious level, this belief and expectation that they are holding dismisses the material reality of the situations. It’s not that Wendla wants to have sex with Melchior, it’s that she wants to know about sex, wants to understand why she has this physical attraction to him, not necessarily act upon it. It’s not that Jason wants to have sex with Ivy - it’s that he wants to want to and doesn’t have the safety to express that in any other way than simply going through with it. Where this is often acknowledged in the Spring Awakening context, I find that analysis of Jason and Ivy’s interactions in One don’t dig quite so deep. 

Which is not to say that Ivy or Melchior are terrible people - it is more so to say that they are both characters who struggle with appropriately communicating, and understanding other people’s communications, about sex and sexuality. Where Ivy likens pursuing Jason to “such a game of hide-and-seek”, Jason only ever takes their sex as something deep and important. Where Melchior has been “playing with [Wendla] in [his] fantasies”, Wendla “only wanted to be close to him”. Despite Ivy and Melchior’s knowledge on and experience of the subject, it manifests more so an intellectualisation of the act of sex itself, as opposed to a genuine understanding of the ramifications on a personal level - especially for people like Jason and Wendla who don’t have the same experiences or beliefs as they do.

Melchior knows that the way the adults in their lives address sex and sexuality - or don’t address it, as the case may be - isn’t productive, and because of this perceives himself as the ultimate authority on the subject. I think that this belief is what leads to the implicit forcefulness of his interaction with Wendla in the hayloft. He knows what’s happening, and because he is armed with a preconceived idea of what Wendla must be feeling, “defending [herself], until finally [she] surrender[s] and feel[s] heaven break over [her]”, he isn’t receptive to her hesitation. Rather, he interprets it as a necessary part of the experience. He knows that Wendla wants it to happen - but he also knows that she doesn’t comprehend that it means sex yet. And because they are both so present in the moment, “hearing [each other’s] heart beat”, Melchior falls back on his belief that the truest understanding of sex and that kind of physical pleasure can only come through lived experience - such as when he all but teaches Moritz about how to masturbate during 'Touch Me'. Even when productions of Spring Awakening do revise the dialogue to include a verbal ‘yes’ from Wendla, the presentation is still that of an assault, intense and hazy hounding and coercion.   

Ivy knows why boys are nice to her - “I know them, and what they’re after” - and when she stacks this belief up against the fact that Jason is nice to her despite his loyalty to and care for Nadia, it makes sense that she would assume that he wants to have sex with her, it makes sense that she wouldn’t put any thought into the subtleties of Jason’s responses to her or the hesitation in his questions about her “want[ing him] to kiss [her]”. What’s very interesting to look at in regards to Ivy and her character is this dichotomy she has in her head. She knows that “[...] boys will be boys [...]”, and on some level has the same expectations for Jason, teasing him about “see[ing] what [he’s] staring at” on her birthday. Even so, she believes that it’s different, because she loves him in a way that “[she’s] never felt [...] before”, she has the notion in her head that Jason “want[s her] just like [she] want[s him]”, because he kissed her on her birthday when she asked. I would argue that it is because of her conviction in her belief that Jason does want her that she does put such a pressure on him in the moment of 'One' - “If you like me, kiss me, don’t stop”. 

It is also important to acknowledge Ivy as a victim - while no abuse is heavily implied or stated outright in b;apo, there is an understanding that Ivy is a girl who has been sexualised for a long time, and that is of course going to skew her view of and relationship with sex as an activity and the role that she is expected to play within that. I don’t mean to detract from that fact at all by drawing out comparisons to her and Melchior, and acknowledging Jason’s own victim status as it parallels Wendla’s.   

There is also something to be said for how both Wendla and Jason’s loss or lack of functional autonomy contributes to their deaths. Both of them are characters burdened by conflicting expectations - Wendla is expected by her mother to still be young and naive, while simultaneously expected to know better, and Jason is expected by his father to “keep the McConnell flame burning”, an expectation competing with the one held by Peter that he cannot stay closeted forever. However, Wendla’s mothers expectations of her don’t conflict directly with Melchior’s expectations of her in the way that Mr McConnell’s conflict with Peter’s - in a way, Mrs Bergmann’s expectation that Wendla is still young enough to follow blindly what she’s been told is the expectation that leads to the pregnancy in the first place. Melchior is explicitly more knowledgeable about the mechanics of what they are doing in the hayloft, and as such holds a power over Wendla by being able to lean into those expectations that if another person knows more they ought to be listened to. Similarly, it is Ivy’s assumption or expectation being that Jason does truly want to have sex with her that snowballs into the conflicts as presented in Promise, and ultimately b;apo’s “story ends in total damage” at least in part as a result of these expectations being enforced.  

To summarise, I believe that because Ivy and Melchior are so sure of their own wanting, their own  understanding, and their own emotions, they end up projecting that onto Jason and Wendla respectively, turning them into vessels for sexual gratification and somewhat diminishing their personhood in the moment. 

There are of course many other parallels that could be drawn, many other configurations of characters to compare and contrast in regards to b;apo and Spring Awakening, and even on this topic specifically I think there is a lot of room for different takes and interpretations - I simply wanted to throw my hat in the ring, so to speak, when it comes to breaking down and analyzing Jason and Ivy’s relationship.

[yuseirra]

Heheh. I was contemplating a bit on posting this one, but I have people enjoying my posts and I'm really happy about that///

I take an interest in psychology, right? It's even my major? I mean, that doesn't exactly help directly when it comes to interpreting characters but I can certainly say I really like that field and take an interest in it and I'm pretty keen on it, I'm sure

About that Hikaru guy, I DEFINITELY would not have been confused as much if they just shared us about what exactly the heck is going on in his mind. I'm good with that stuff. They don't till the very end and there's so little to make out from, that's the problem, what's been presented isn't adequate enough to determine of his character. They leave it empty. If only they did, I'd have caught things immediately. Anyhow, there were things I picked up so for those who care for that character, who really think there was more to him than being a psycho murderer cult leader of some sort(oh my god) I hope this will be a fun read. This isn't my work so I can certainly be off.

Here's what I wrote last night making clear of my thoughts:↓

Haha, I feel so silly…;; I write a lot about this manga, don’t I?

It’s really bothering me because it’s so strange. I feel like I need to set aside some time to organize everything I’ve written about Oshi no Ko. I’ve written way too much, and I feel pathetic for it… Am I being a nuisance?

I keep repeating the same things, and it feels like I’m not saying anything particularly insightful.

But these thoughts don’t come up intentionally; they just pop into my mind, like, “Isn’t this not right?” or “Could it really be this?” This manga just keeps nagging at me, and it doesn’t properly explain things. It keeps touching on topics that I find deeply serious, yet it fails to express them well. It’s frustrating.

I’m really serious when I say I think I’m right about this, that this interpretation is correct (it’s about that myth-related hypothesis).

But I am aware that sounds too fantasy… It feels so lonely.(THERE ISN'T ANY OTHER WAY TO MAKE SENSE OF THINGS THOUGH! I'M SURE!!)

It makes me wonder: Am I stupid? Am I misunderstanding something? But no, I see it—this seems right, doesn’t it? I get confused because the story doesn’t fully unravel itself, leaving me in a constant state of chaos.

There are things that seem so clear to me, yet they also feel like a mirage. So I can’t be confident in my thoughts, even though I feel like I’ve found the answer.

It’s just something I naturally feel.

That’s why I keep analyzing it—because I think I’m right.

Why did the creators make this so confusing? What’s the reason?

Is he really a villain? Why are those elements present? He isn’t, is he? Then the story shouldn’t have been written that way.

It’s not like I have no intuition—I mean, when Chapter 154 came out, did many people immediately think, “That situation is a lie. He’s lying, and there must be another explanation”? Because that’s what I thought right away. Something felt off.

Later, the story changed and revealed a completely different context, didn’t it?

I just naturally thought that’s what would happen. I expected a different context because the explanation given earlier didn’t make sense!

The narrative in Chapter 154 was strange. The idea that Ai’s boyfriend’s attempted on scaring her didn’t align with his reactions shown alongside it. Not only did the whole described situation seem strange (like, how didn't he see it coming? That things could end up in disaster), the way he reacts didn't quite match up with his words either. Normally, in such cases, the spoken words are lies, and the emotions or behaviors tend to reflect the truth. That’s why you focus on expressions or demeanor rather than words when that happens.

Take Ryosuke, for example. People like him usually blame others. After stabbing Ai, he justified it by blaming her, saying, “It’s your fault! You’re the problem!” It’s a way to distance themselves from their wrongdoing. It’s petty, but people like that can harm others because they’re in a mindset where they justify causing pain to the other person. It’s also a form of self-preservation—a rationalization to protect themselves from admitting they’re a bad person.

If Kamiki had intended to harm Ai, he wouldn’t focus the blame on himself. Instead, he’d react defensively, saying things like, “She treated me poorly, so I lashed out. How could she do that to me?” That’s a more natural reaction. There should’ve been some defensive attitude. To be fair, he did state that Ai had her cruel sides and he despaired. But other than that, he doesn’t justify himself. Instead, he’s resigned, self-deprecating, going as far to say it was only natural for Ai to leave him. That's the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of the reaction someone can have towards a situation like that, compared to Ryosuke. He's too accepting to the point of being condescending of oneself.

But you know what? That suits his personality. He’s been that way his whole life. There’s even a scene where he blames himself when someone dies. His attitude is consistent and not a façade. This doesn’t align with someone who would harm others for selfish reasons. If he hurt anyone, the type of reasoning he'd have would be that it would only be for Ai’s sake, not his own.

And the songs—oh, the songs. They keep talking about offering something, about doing it for Ai or to see her again. Soo that REALLY is him in those songs. Those display exactly how this guy functions.

In my view, Kamiki is that guy who can't daren't harm Ai, no matter what. Even if he could harm the entire world—even his children(seriously though??)—he wouldn’t hurt Ai. If anything, he’d die before letting her die.

When I first read this manga, I never thought I’d arrive at such an evaluation. I didn’t have any particular thoughts about him back then. When I learned about his past, I just thought, Oh, that’s unfortunate. But why did he do that to Ai? But then his reactions started to seem off. Why would he even hurt Ai? Just why would he? I don't think he'd ever attempt on such a thing. There are too many missing pieces.

And it was right around that time when Fatal dropped too. With that song being there and ch 154 happening at the same time, I just knew.

His reactions wasn’t an act. Why would he be acting there? He was genuinely there to praise the movie one last time and see his kids. He even said he’d go turn himself in after meeting Aqua. Then, after seeing Ai’s video, it seemed like he changed his plans.

Kamiki’s reaction to Ai’s video wasn’t something he could’ve predicted or faked. Before that, he might’ve lied to ease Aqua’s burden, thinking of Aqua as his and Ai’s son and wanting to lessen his guilt. He had already decided to turn himself in because, in his mind, Ai’s death was his fault, regardless of the circumstances. Having his dad going to jail or "paying for his crimes" could affect Aqua, you know? I think he was trying to be considerate(and that IS consistent throughout the different chapters!! He's always had a soft spot for Aqua, we never see him being mean to him when they talk)

When Kamiki and Aqua meet later, Kamiki insists he didn’t do anything and recounts the events surrounding Ai’s death. This happens before Aqua pulls out his knife, before Kamiki realizes why Aqua has come. At that point, Kamiki doesn't know Aqua’s true intentions. Did he know Aqua came to kill him? He didn't, right? He only inquires about that like two chapters later. He even asks if Aqua wants to see Ruby together with him. Ultimately, at the very end, he didn’t want to be misunderstood to his own son, right? Isn't that what's going on? And at that point, he’s watched Ai’s video, so he realizes that she wanted to help him with her children. He probably felt grateful towards Aqua for having shown him the video? Then why would he lie to Aqua in that situation?

How did they end up meeting there in the first place?;; Where are they? What is going on in this manga?? Pretty sure Tsukuyomi told Aqua to go and get the dad or sth and told his whereabouts, she's probably behind it all wanting Kamiki dead bc he's a corrupted god that needs to be eliminated

Honestly, I think Kamiki would pretty much be innocent when it comes to Ai.

After Chapter 154, I started to keep up with the series more intently, and as Chapter 155 came along, I noticed Kamiki’s reactions didn’t fit someone who harmed Ai. If he were guilty, he would’ve shown more denial in that chapter, like, “It wasn’t my fault. It was your fault.” or "There's no way you loved me Ai, this is all a lie!" That’s a natural defense mechanism for someone who’s been kept from the truth for 15 years. If he's the culprit, that'd mean he's the one who brought everything upon himself and he'd want to deny the very fact he's messed everything up and is totally undeserving of Ai's love, right?

(I'm sure I've made some analysis about this when that chapter dropped too but, even Aqua's reactions towards this situation's pretty weird. If Kamiki really were to be the one who'd staged the crime, Aqua should have displayed more anger, called him a murderer, grabbed him by the collar or something because what he's claimed to have done is absolutely unforgivable, but the point Aqua makes is about Kamiki "not understanding Ai", which means, what he's concerned of is about Kamiki never having realized Ai's really loved him all along. If he's the one that's instigated Ai's murder, then he really doesn't deserve that anyway. But Aqua does want to get that across to him and that's what's important. I don't know about Aqua but I would sure fail to keep my cool in a situation like that.)

But instead, he just curled up, placed his hands on Ai's on the screen, and couldn’t say anything. This reaction he had really surprised me when I encountered it at first because it was like the mildest and softest reaction anyone could have at that that kind of situation.

That’s a tough reaction to interpret, but it’s not what you’d expect from someone guilty of hurting Ai. It feels more like he truly realized how much Ai cared for him and couldn’t even get angry—just accepting it and feeling the pain. I'm assuming he was like that to Ai when they were together. Just really lenient, really allowing and pretty much soft and tender when it came to her.

From there, it seemed like he resolved to do something for Ai. What that was remains unclear, but maybe he decided to sacrifice himself or find a way to bring Ai back to life. Perhaps that’s why he thought he couldn’t die yet in Chapter 162.

His initial mindset was, “I’ll gladly accept my punishment since Ai didn’t love me anyway. But I want to see the kids one last time.” But after seeing the video, he couldn’t let go of Ai.

His emotional responses show how much he genuinely loved Ai. Surprisingly, it doesn’t feel like an unhealthy or twisted love. I usually pick up on that kind of thing, but with them, it feels like they truly loved each other.

They probably did their best for one another. There doesn’t seem to be much animosity between them. So did Kamiki really harm Ai? I keep doubting it.

There must be a reason the creators wrote it this way. They aren’t incapable of portraying unhealthy emotions like Ryosuke’s. Kamiki’s feelings seem different—more genuine.

Anyway, this post got ridiculously long again, didn’t it? Whenever I type my thoughts out, they just keep flowing.

And there are just too many parallels to mythology to ignore. Without mythology, the manga’s later developments and certain elements wouldn’t make sense.

It’s not that I actively try to think about these things—I just naturally reach these conclusions. To me, they’re obvious. That’s why I keep questioning if I’ve misunderstood something, and it makes my head hurt. I’m not intentionally thinking about it; the conclusions just come to me, and I immediately write them down.

Because of that, I kept analyzing Kamiki despite the serious accusations against him.

It’s not that I tried to defend or idealize him—I just didn’t think he was guilty from what was shown. I was confident, but it was stressful because the future was uncertain.

You can definitely like and find a character like this fascinating. It’s possible. But for me, from the beginning, my interpretation was based on the premise that there’s something more going on, and I don’t think he did it.

Looking at how things have unfolded, sticking to that perspective wasn’t entirely in vain. If he were the culprit, it would’ve been straightforward to just capture him and define him as Ai's killer, but that’s not what happened. I really don’t think he’s guilty.

As for his reasoning or motives, I’ve explained those in other posts, so I won’t go into them here.

This has been so frustrating. The subject matter is unsettling, and I didn’t want to defend or romanticize him. But I didn’t think he was guilty, and the songs were just too strong. Every time I listen to them, I think, How could I not consider this pairing? The emotions are overwhelming.

It’s such a peculiar manga.

I don’t like being in the minority or having opinions that clash with others, so it’s been quite burdensome. Kamiki’s situation is objectively problematic. It's been so stressful finding and thinking about things that seemingly oppose what the story intially seemed to suggest, it was SUCH a tough road to take,

But what can I do when I see these things? If I’m wrong, then the creators failed to express their intentions. That’s how it feels to me, though I usually wouldn’t say such things.

[lollytea]

im curious about this if u wanna share ur opinion, Cynthia Erivo got really pissed cuz ppl were editing the movie poster to look like the musical one and kinda took it personal, is it really that bad?

This was a messy situation. I felt quite bad for everyone involved. My opinions about it are a bit mixed.

First of all, I understand the criticism towards Cynthia for how she reacted, but I also don't think it was entirely right to discredit her feelings.

Cynthia is entitled to feel however she wants about that edit. Whether we agree with it or not, it's her face. It's her feelings. She's allowed to have strong feelings. Especially during what I assume to be a time in her life when emotions are running very high.

But she also reflected on the incident at a later date and said that instead of doing what she did, she probably should have just called a friend to vent about it. And I do agree with that. Because like....the kid who made the edit got doxxed, man!

The edit itself did not seem to have any malicious intent behind it. All of the details they included were just following the blueprint of the original musical poster, rather than any spiteful erasure of the actress. It didn't come from somebody who disliked Cynthia or was bashing the movie. They were a wicked fanpage and they seemed genuinely excited to see it when it came out.

I'm not going to say for certain how offensive or nonoffensive the edit was, mostly because my face isn't on it.

On one hand, Cynthia is still on full display. Her facial features were still fully recognizable as her own. Her lips are edited into a smirk and painted red, but that doesn't seem to be Cynthia's issue.

On the other hand, it was her eyes that were erased beneath a shadow. Elphaba's staring eyes were the focal point of that particular poster's composition, so I'm not going to blame Cynthia for being upset that they hid them. According to her, it was a personal choice to have Elphaba's eyes exposed like that.

Around the time Cynthia was happily sharing other shitposty edits of the poster to her story, so when this person tagged her, they were probably hoping to get noticed too. I don't think they had any idea that it would upset her. Again, as avid fans of the musical themselves, I think they just assumed that Cynthia and Ariana would appreciate the edit as a loving allusion to the original.

I don't think Cynthia needed to link the edit and the account itself in order to express how she felt about it. She could have released a statement on her story asking people to please stop editing the poster because it made her uncomfortable. Anything would have worked better than what she did.

I don't think she needed to put this kid under such a spotlight. Cynthia is a celebrity with a huge platform.

Doing this sort of stuff has consequences. It sent a lot of negative attention this person's way which resulted in somebody leaking their home address and putting them in danger. I don't think their crime was remotely proportional to the punishment.

In a later interview, Cynthia kinda nonchalantly referred to this incident as her just feeling very protective over Elphaba but admitting that she should have just found another outlet for her frustration. She never says anything about the person who got doxxed. She never publicly apologizes for it. Maybe she reached out to them privately, who knows.

Overall it seems like Cynthia just had a very human moment of recklessness during a very overwhelming time in her life and the power she had caused a lot more damage that it should have. Shitty situation all around. Hope it doesn't happen again.