#and also being like. the only people on earth who can understand each others trauma. and they start spending more time together

[worfsbarmitzvah]

unfortunately joel x mike is now growijg on me. im mentally ill bear with me

[saintmachina]

One million dollar question: is it true that the Bible condems homosexuality? I had a discussion with two conservatives who sent me some verses that seem to confirm that but i don't know much about the context although i know this is important too

Let’s start here: why is this the million dollar question? Why does it matter what the Bible has to say about sex, or love, or human relationships? At the end of the day, it’s just a book, right?

Oceans of ink (and blood) have been spilled over not only what the Bible says, but what it does, how it functions. The course of empires, nations, and families have been shaped by the contents of this book, and from a historical and cultural perspective, it holds a lot of weight. But you didn’t ask about the sociological, you asked about the theological, so let’s explore. 

Different Christian traditions vary in their approach to scripture. For example: some Protestant denominations believe that the Bible is inspired, inerrant, and infallible. In this paradigm, God is the ultimate author of scripture working through human hands, and the resulting text is both without error and in no way deceptive or mistaken. Similarly, The Second Vatican Council decreed that “the books of Scripture must be acknowledged as teaching solidly, faithfully and without error that truth which God wanted put into sacred writings for the sake of salvation.” When a member of the clergy is ordained into the Episcopal Church they swear that they “do believe the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments to be the Word of God, and to contain all things necessary to salvation.”

Can you see how many of these points of doctrine overlap yet seek to distinguish themselves from one another? Theologians have spent lifetimes arguing over definitions, and even when they manage to settle on solid teachings, the way that the teaching is interpreted by the clergy and incorporated into the lives of the laity varies WIDELY. As much as systematic theology may try, humans aren’t systematic beings. We’re highly contextual: we only exist in relation to others, to history, to circumstance, and to the divine. We simply cannot call up God to confirm church teaching, and I think a lot of people cling excessively to the Bible as a result of the ache (dare I even say trauma) of being separated from God via space and time in the way we currently are.

God is here, but God is not here. God is within us, God is within the beloved, God is within the sea and sky and land, and yet we cannot grasp God to our bodies in the way we long to. In this earthly lifetime, we are forever enmeshed in God, yet forever distinct, and that is our great joy and our great tragedy.

So barring a direct spiritual experience or the actual second coming, we're left to sort through these things ourselves. And because humans are flawed, our interpretations will always be flawed. Even with the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives guiding us.

When engaging with any sort of Biblical debate, it is essential that you have a strong understanding of what the Bible means to you, an an embodied individual living a brief little awful and wonderful life on Earth. Otherwise it's easy to get pushed around by other people’s convincing-sounding arguments and sound bites.

Here’s where I show my hand. As a confirmed Episcopalian I believe that reason, tradition, and scripture form the “three-legged stool” upon which the church stands, interdependent and interrelational to each other, but I’ve also like, lived a life outside of books. I’ve met God in grimy alleyways and frigid ocean waters and in bed with my lovers. So my stool is actually four-legged, because I think it’s essential to incorporate one’s personal experience of God into the mix as well. (I did not invent this: it’s called the Wesleyan quadrilateral, but the official Wesleyan quadrilateral insists that scripture must trump all other legs of the table in the case of a conflict which...*cynical noises*)

Please do not interpret this answer as me doing a hand-wavey "it's all vibes, man, we're all equally right and equally wrong", but I do absolutely think we have a responsibility as creatures to weigh the suffering and/or flourishing of our fellow creatures against teachings handed down through oral tradition, schisms, imperial takeover of faith, and translation and mistranslation. Do I believe the Bible is sacred, supernatural even, and that it contains all things necessary to find one's way to God, if that is the way God chooses to manifest to an individual in a given lifetime? Absolutely. Do I believe it is a priceless work of art and human achievement that captures ancient truths and the hopes of a people (as well as a record of their atrocities) through symbols, stories, and signs? Unto my death, I do.

However, I am wary of making an object of human creation, God-breathed though it may be, into an idol, and trapping God in its pages like God is some sort of exotic bug we can pin down with a sewing needle.

Finally, we have reached the homosexuality debate. One of my favorite sayings of Jesus is Matthew 5: 15-17: "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles? In the same way, every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit." In other words: look at what religious teachings have wrought in the world. When I look at homophobic interpretations of the Bible, I see destruction, abuse, suffering, neglect, alienation, spiritual decay, and death. When I look at theology that affirms the holiness of LGBTQ+ relationships, I see joy, laughter, community building, thoughtful care, blooming families, creativity, resilience, and compassion. I see the love of Christ at work in the world. I see the hands of a God who chose under no duress to take up residence in a human body, to drink wine with tax collectors and break bread with sex workers and carry urchin children around on his shoulders. That's my limited little pet interpretation, but hey, that's all any of us really have, at the end of the day.

So, I am absolutely happy to do a play-by-play breakdown of why those passages you were given (we queer Christians often call them "clobber passages" or "texts of terror") don't hold water in a theological, historical, and cultural context. We can talk about Jesus blessing the eunuch and the institution of Greek pederasty and Levitical purity laws and Paul because I've done that reading. I've spent my nights crying in self-hatred and leafing through doctrine books and arguing with my pastors and writing long grad school essays on the subjects. Send me the verses, if you can remember them, and I'll take a look. But it's worth noting that out of the entire Bible, I believe there are only six that explicitly condemn homosexuality AND I'm being generous and including Sodom and Gommorah here, which is a willful and ignorant misreading if I've ever seen one.

In the meantime, I recommend books by people smarter than me! Try Outside The Lines: How Embracing Queerness Will Transform Your Faith by Mihee Kim-Kort, or Does Jesus Really Love Me by Jeff Chu, or Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke!

And take a breath, dear one. Breathe in God, in the droplets of water in the air and in the wind from the south. Breathe in the gift of life, and know that you are loved, now and unto the end of the age and even beyond then.

[peachyfnaf]

If you could say something to all TSAMS characters, what would you say?

WHOOH boy, that's a fuckin' question and a half, ain't it? i'm prolly gonna piss some people off with this, let's see... i kidnapped most of these characters from polaris' list lol

So I don't go off on tangents for each of em, i'm gonna try to limit myself to 1-3 sentences

Sun: You've been through a lot, haven't you? Find something to do in life, something that you love because you want to, not something that you love out of obligation or programming. You're smarter and stronger than you think, stop being held back by the past.

Old Moon: You have not changed as much as you think you have- you still have some very toxic and abusive behaviors. You are not irredeemable, but you are deeply flawed. Take time, work on yourself, and understand that while making up for your past might be impossible; it's not impossible for you to carve out a future where you and those you love are happy.

New Moon/Nexus: Oh, you poor thing, what happened to you? You fucked up, but you didn't deserve the hand you were given in life, no one in your position would. Please, let yourself feel again- the pain of losing it all- only then will you be able to come back out the other side ready to love again.

Earth: As you've grown and experienced life, you've become very immature. This isn't directly a bad thing, but it contrasts with what you try to be, and makes you an unreliable person to go to with mental health struggles. Don't take life so personally, and push a little bit harder, there's no need to be so soft on people who reject help who clearly need it.

Lunar: I am BEGGING you to show some vulnerability. I know it's genuinely so fucking hard after all you've been through, but if you keep acting like you're okay after every loss then eventually you'll become a shell of a man. ...And also, respectfully, humble yourself- you are incredible, but you are not the main character.

Solar: Take a break. Please, for the sake of yourself and everyone you care about, take a break. You can't save anyone if you yourself are dying- and the people you are trying to reach won't extend their hand to a dying man. Take a break.

Eclipse (V4 Specifically): ...What can I even say to you other than that I am so incredibly proud of you. And that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything you went through, being compared to someone you're not. I wish people would leave you alone, as you so desperately want to be, you more than deserve that peace.

Bloodmoon: You're a lot more put together than people give you credit for. I'm sorry you were made the way you were, with the inability to live life without being consumed by your urges. You were born a monster, and no one gave you the proper chance to become anything but one.

Ruin: I'm sorry to say this, I really am, but even though the life you lived was horrid and tragic, that gives you no right to end billions of innocent lives in your quest for justice and revenge. You have my sympathies for the trauma you experienced, but my sympathies end there. Everything you experience after the massacre you pulled is your victims coming to bite you in the ass.

Jack: I love you, so much- I love you for trying as hard as you do. Remember, it's okay to say no. You are still growing and have a lot of it to do, be kind to yourself when you make mistakes.

Dazzle: Sweet girl, the most precious thing. Never change who you are, you are literally the shining star in the darkness that is this world. Never forget how much you are loved, for it is more than you could ever know.

The Creator: No matter how many machines you build, what scientific discoveries you make, how much progress you offer to humanity, you will always be alone. No one will ever love you, and it's all your fault. Remember that when you die alone, old man.

Monty: Your violence is not funny, at least not at the severity of which you do it. You lying to your girlfriend is not funny. Do better or fuck off.

Foxy: You try so hard, and I appreciate it, but learn that there are some things that you can not fix, and some places where you shouldn't stick your nose in. It's okay to be "a rubber duck", it's okay to be normal. Stop trying to be something you're not and embrace what you can.

F.C: I love you so much kid. You're a bit wild and off your rocker, but you've also shown so much unexpected maturity. Stop growing up so fast, yeah?

Puppet: I can appreciate all that you try to do, but please, understand that you acknowledging that you make mistakes does not nullify them. You have been hypocritical time and time again, and you need to learn and grow from those experiences, not just brush them off. You are capable of great things- just learn to do them.

AND THATS EVERYONE. YIPPEE. im gonna go eat shrimp now lol

[laugtherhyena]

@ninjagirlstar5 YEAH‼️Mary is straight up one of the nicest people in our cast i think? She's outward friendly to most of the characters as you can see in this silly chart.

Ramblings under cut tho maybe check out the cast post so that you know who I'm talking about (made by the same dude that made this chart template, hi avery)

So a thing about Mary is that she's really not that shaken with the whole termina festival thing? The horrors are the horrors but she's been struggling by her whole life to the point that she's desensitized to a lot of things + the insanity of the situation in Prehevil is a little beyond her comprehension, so even tho there are fucked monsters and crazy cultists running around while the moon tries to morph them into twisted versions of themselves she's watching that and sorta just going "Damn that's crazy" before continuing focusing on staying alive herself long enough so that the train passes by and she can leave (1st round survivors leave Prehevil by hopping on a cargo train wagon as it passes by the town)

She is one of the characters that keeps their cool through a majority of the festival and only moonschorches on day 3 morning after some nasty stuff happens. So pair that with her just being a nice person in general and you have Mary!

The worse people get in her chart is neutral + avoidant and that's because she's got a gut feeling that something's off about John and Hilda but she doesn't want to fuck around and find out so she just keeps her distance from them.

The other 3 she avoids are all people Mary does like quite a bit but none of them want to be around her for one reason or another; Damian and Claire are both rather reclusive people who have their minds set on escaping Prehevil alive and their own personal goals while Addison is kinda of a paranoid dude which makes him avoid a lot of people through termina in general. So Mary sees that and steers away not wanting to bother them (she is used to people avoiding her out of being disgusted by her presence seeing her as a filthy, stupid and untrustworthy street rat so this isn't anything new for her. None of these opinions applies to the dudes I just stated tho), which is kinda sad because she does like these people quite a bit. She is impressed by Claire and Addison's professions and would love to know more about those and has never been around a journalistic photographer or actor (She's seen tvs once or twice in random gigs she got over the years and was just absolutely mesmerized on how that little box has people on it), and she's heard a lot of good things about Damien from his brother.

She would have avoided Lola for similar reasons, she's nice to everyone but she's a bit of a cleaning freak so Mary's appearance bothers her quite a bit, but because Lola is not much of a fighter and is terrified of the situation they're in Mary sticks by to help. It's in the same vein as her being around Anatol and Ebba even tho they don't care much for her, she's seeing these 20 year olds with a lot of life ahead of them stuck in this hell on earth and takes upon herself try helping them even if she is aware of what they think of her.

Kit is a buddy tho, they're both people who grew up in the outskirts of society (albeit in wildly different settings) so they had a pretty harsh life which in turn means they got quite a bit in common :] she also chats and hangs around Matyas even tho she can't understand half what he's rambling about.

The 3 people left are the closest to Mary out of the whole cast, so much so that if certain events aren't prevented at least one of these people being alive is a requirement for her to make it out alive.

Mary and Amos both come from the orphanage, while they weren't necessarily friends back then, they did know each other during the time Mary still lived there, tho she can't remember that due to blocking out pretty much all her memories from her time in the orphanage out of trauma. What she can recall is really vague and hard to understand and the thought of setting foot there again terrifies her, this stuff is also the reason why she's afraid of the dark priests but she isn't scared of Amos due to the familiar feeling he evokes even if she can't remember knowing him prior to termina. They grow closer out of shared religious trauma and sorta look out for each other in a way.

As for Catherine and Leslie they're both people she's only met during termina that surprised her a bunch because she's so used to people with big important carrers like them to just ignore her existence entirely, so to see a doctor of sorts and a lawyer not only be unbothered by her presence but straight up like and treat her nicely it's just,, wow! "I never talked to someone so smart before!" Or "I never had someone take care of me before!" And I think she cherishes their company a lot through the festival.

[asocial-inkblot]

Things I Hope/d to See in the New ATLA Live Action Show

A source material-accurate Azula (duh) and Aang (the show's namesake!) with something extra added to both. See #7 and #8 for more on that.

Tweaked war-related plans that come across like they could reasonably be implemented in real life and which may be based on/allude to actual battle proposals from throughout history. I know little about these sorts of things but others have pointed out before that one of Sokka's plans, for example, may not have actually made much sense. And Ozai's plan near the end? Yeeaaahhhhh... I mean, I kinda get it in hindsight. But still. Let's have him come up with something better than that.

Appearances and clothing that call back to the ethnic groups and cultures that the show takes inspiration from (things are looking great on this front so far), but also

Eye colors like the ones from the original cartoon. This may seem petty but I find that it's actually important to use the right hues for each character and not just make everyone's eyes brown or black or gray (looks to me like that's exactly what they did). The reason being that, although I personally tend to dislike when non-white characters are given what I now call "white qualifiers" (meaning traits often used to make them still appeal to whiteness, such as light hair, light eyes, bone-straight hair, round eyes, etc.), in the context of the show, the eye colors are actually by and large ethnic characteristics and differentiators themselves. As I've noted before in a previous post from a while back: Ocean blue eyes = Water Tribes, brown and gray = usually Air Nomad or Earth Kingdom, amber or light tan = Fire Nation, with few exceptions for all of them.

Enough similarities for it to feel like ATLA but with enough differences that it's actually its own story. Again, duh, but we all know how often adaptations tend to get this part wrong.

An age rating that won't be used as just another excuse to shoehorn in as much violence, gore and sexual content as possible but instead to allow for the full illustration of the impact that war can have on a people and their society/traditions. We saw, imo, only little hints of this throughout the cartoon (when Aang found Monk Gyatso's remains is one extremely devastating example), but not near enough. I know the reason why, of course. However, things like that only helped sell the show short by not allowing it to fully flesh out into a world with true, viewable consequences.

An Azula who, from day one, is unquestionably made out to be exactly what she is: A child soldier who is also a victim of the war in a similar way to how the Gaang is. I want to see her allowed to show worry, even fear, either during or after a situation. Not because I don't love how kickass she is, but because at her age, level of trauma and amount of risk to her life everyday, she has all the reason to be more stressed from the get-go. Not to mention her family issues. I want Azula to clearly have anxiety or depression, something many of us can relate to. I also want that scene of her mental breakdown to STAY in some capacity, but be seen in-universe and hopefully—eventually—irl, too, as what it really was: A teenage girl pushed to her limits until she had no where left to step. Real, living people have had anxiety/panic attacks and meltdowns before and that didn't make them evil or any less worthy of sympathy. It only makes it that much more obvious how real Azula herself is, and how much she needed and deserved understanding.

I want an Aang who's allowed to cry, not once, not twice but over and over again as the weight of the burden of what it means to be a child avatar during a world war—and one who was out-of-commission for a century—start to take their toll on his mind, body and eventually spirit. After he reaches his breaking point, I want him to learn to forgive himself and even forgive others, and come back from it, stronger than ever.

A Toph who's tough but maybe a little less...umm... She should be/feel affected by the war too, okay? And have some level of guilt, fear or self-awareness at all times. So she should be like her original self, but deeper.

More Ursa pleeeaaaaaaassse. We know next to nothing about this woman and what we do know, still involves a lot of inferring. I need to know just what her beliefs were about the war and her family/relatives. I need to know if she...if she often feared for her or her children's lives!

A little less romance and a little more danger, planning and large platonic relationship growth as well as character growth.

Zuko actually learning something from his travels; early on, every time he meets someone/some new people, and on a regular basis. I also kinda want to see him have consequences for his actions. Not just that one time, where he was only a clueless 13 year old boy anyway. Doesn't have to be huge or bloody, but he needs to lose something every time he gains at the expense of another. The ATLA world (if not within the cartoon then definitely within the live action show) should have a real, tangible concept of Karma present, if it doesn't already. That would make so. much. sense.

If possible, a little more fleshing out of characters like Jet and the Freedom Fighters, Suki and the Kyoshi Warriors, Hama, Mai, Ty Lee, etc. And can we not demonize or shrug off victims anymore?

A still sexy Hakoda, Ozai and June. (I'm so sorry, don't hate me...)

An ending that won't make me break out in hives plez.

(That's it for now. I may come back here to add more.)

[uniquely-plural]

I am pretty sure I'm a traumagenic system (undiagnised because my parents just think im "moody" amd dont belive i have other people in my head) but I have so many questions.

Is it OK that I still think of me as me and my alters as other people? I see alot of people who say "us" and "we" but I feel like I can't speak for them.

Is it normal for, when another alter fronts, me to still see through my eyes and know what's happening, but not ve able to control or stop it? It's like my consciousness is only in the alter I consider "me" and then there are other non-me people in my head, is that weird?

Would it be weird for me to say that at some points I've had conversations with my alter out loud, and it was like i could feel a vertical split in my physical body as to which alter was where? They were sort of like a caretaker whenever I was at my darker points, so they would talk to me and I'd talk back and it allowed for physical contact like hugs, ect, but I've never seen anyone describe something similar

Also, how on earth do people figure out what alter is what? It's like my consciousness (me) is in the front park of a semi truck abd the rest are all in the back so I can't see them but I am really sure that they're there.

I havr so many questions and no one to ask T T sorry if this is too much

It's always okay to ask questions! We can do our best to answer.

There are a lot of frameworks we use to understand plurality, and I don't believe any one of them is inherently superior to another. So when you're asking yourself, 'is this okay?' - I would try to ask yourself, 'does this feel right to me? Does framing things in this way help me function better and be happier?'

One person, just as an example, could have DID and figure out that understanding their alters as completely separate people from him was holding back his trauma recovery. Understanding his alters as part of himself and developing compassion and acceptance for them could be therapeutic.

For another system, knowing they are completely separate people who just happen to share a body is the understanding they need to be respectful towards each other and work together.

So yes, in your case? It's totally okay, normal, and common to feel like your alters are other people and you cannot speak for them. Some people always feel this way, and then some people feel like that at the beginning, but their understanding changes once they get to know their system more, or if they work on improving disordered dissociate barriers.

We can speak as an unit because we have a monoconscious, median system core. In other systems, each member prefers to speak only for themselves. That's also perfectly fine.

As for still seeing through your eyes while another alter fronts, that does sound possible if you have no amnesia barriers and possibly co-fronting, in the sense someone else is fronting as in 'control of the body' while you are still in front as in 'awareness of the outside world'. You could look into possession and possession style switches.

In polyconscious systems, members have their own individual consciousness.

It's not weird to have conversations out loud, if that's what helps you communicate. And that link to the possession entry mentions how it can also be experienced as an alter taking control of part of the body, so it sounds like you might have been in control of one half and your alter was in control of the other one, which makes sense to me. I'm very glad to hear they took care of you.

Not being aware of a lot of information about your alters or system is very common. Developing a better understanding is often a process of trying things and finding what works for your system, and it can vary a lot depending on things like level of internal communication, what barriers are present, etc. This post on Mapping your system could point you towards some possibilities.

I hope you found that helpful, and thank you for sharing your experiences.

[kitkatt0430]

4,31,60 and whatever other ones you want for harrisco pleeease :)

4.) Which one is more protective? Who needs to be ‘protected’?

Harry is definitely the more over protective of the two. It caused friction in his relationship with Jesse and I could see that instinct trying to creep into things with him and Cisco too despite being well aware that Cisco can take care of himself.

I also tend to see Harry's 'she kicked me off my earth' reaction to Jesse getting upset over Harry's micromanagement and over protectiveness as evidence he has a bit of rejection sensitive dysphoria. And that also his instinct on feeling rejected was to seek out Cisco.

Whenever Harry starts leaning into that overprotectiveness too much, Cisco rather firmly tells Harry he needs to back it down. Sometimes they argue about it and it's them, sometimes there's shouting and the throwing of dry erase markers (not at each other). But Harry has trauma over losing loved ones and Cisco understands that and takes it very seriously. He isn't going to let Harry use that trauma as an excuse to be smothering or controlling, but it does help to remember where Harry's coming from when talking - or arguing - him down from a freak out.

Cisco can have a bit of an overprotective streak himself, though. And after the whole thing with DeVoe is over, Harry may have accepted what happened to him when it was essentially killing him but now he has to live with it and I think maybe sometimes the person he needs the most protecting from is from himself and his anger and frustration he struggles with while learning to live with the resulting brain damage. And Cisco really, really wants to protect him from that and it's the hardest thing to know that he can't make it all better. He can only really support Harry while he finds his way through.

31.) Can they sit side by side without touching the other or are they handsy? (lacing fingers, touching knees, etc.)

Oh they definitely are the handsy sort. Harry isn't the most touchy-feely of people, but when it comes to Cisco he's always reaching out. A hand on his shoulder, on his thigh, touching knees, arm around the shoulder. And he encourages Cisco to do the same. Not that Cisco needs much encouragement since he is a rather touchy-feely type.

By the time they start dating no one is surprised by this behavior in them, but when Harry started getting more demonstrative in their friendship before the dating started there was definitely some surprise. I think Jesse was very pleased to see it, though. The only person he'd felt comfortable being close with until then was her and now he finally had a support structure and a friend he was close enough with to be physically demonstrative with and tease about things? She was so very, very pleased. And even more so when Cisco and Harry finally got together.

60.) Who pulls the other closer when they’re sleeping?

Cisco expected this would be him most often. And certainly he does it a lot. But Harry is suuuuper grabby in his sleep. Holding on to Cisco like he never wants to let go.

And, barring trips to the bathroom where it is a pain to get free of those grabby hands, Cisco is pretty much fine with that.

[the-ultimate-tsbs-kin]

☆TSBS Kin Memories!☆

Foxy

- Dated Puppet

- First getting a crush on Puppet and denying it

- Half Hispanic

- Had a tail (like FC's but more worn out)

- House husband (sorta- I did work, but I did all the housework too)

- Straight (apparently have to clarify that-)

- Lowkey hated Monty (so did Puppet)

Castor

- With Pollux (by earthling standards, both platonic and romantically, but we didn't say things like "date")

- Extremely close bond with Pollux, neither of us ever felt anything remotely close to it with anyone else than with each other

- Pollux loved cuddling and all sorts of physical affection - I did too, but she usually initiated them

- Didn't have the same feelings for Lunar

- Being Gemini felt warm and just... extremely close, in a good way- hard to phrase

- Astrals had a different language, but we knew all the earthly languages so we could communicate with whoever we needed to

- Pollux loved flower jewelry and loved making them for me, so I usually always had a little crown or bracelet or something

- Had telekinesis (idk if that's mentioned or shown on the shows-)

Ruin

- Very flamboyant and fruity, just for fun

- Aroace

- Flirted with anyone and everyone just for their reactions (it was also a great defense mechanism!)

- Me and Bloodmoon weren't dating, but we had- something going on

- Don't know if I really had my own personality because I was almost always acting for my benefit

Killcode

- Very flexible

- Liked to climb up walls on all fours to scare people

- Regularly went on hunts with Bloodmoon

- Actually adored Bloodmoon, who was also very fond of me (I was almost as close to them as they are with each other)

- Had to deal with Bloodmoon throwing tantrums a lot

- Wasn't really fond of Eclipse, I tried to give him the same amount of care and understanding as Bloodmoon but he wasn't taking it so I gave up

- I could not change the smile on my face- it was stuck like that

- Fsr, Bloodmoon was in his newer model in my memories- maybe they were always like that?

Sun

- Had a big thing with Moon, very longstanding, very committed relationship! (Totally wasn't built on trauma-)

- When Eclipse first formed, he had a thing for Moon fsr and only started antagonising us after Moon rejected him

- Had OCD (not my cleaning protocol, I did little rituals for certain things). The main thing I can remember is the lights- before going to bed, I had to switch them on and off a certain amount of times and with certain intervals between switches before it was safe to leave them off. I also had a little mantra I said when I did it. Moon used to be really annoyed by it and I got self conscious and tried to force myself not to do it. Then when he came back after the whole thing with Nexus, he noticed I was still suppressing it and he helped me feel safe enough to do it again <3

- My rays did actually retract with certain emotions. If I got anxious or uncomfortable, they'd go in more. I could technically control it but it happened subconsciously. They didn't spin though

- Wasn't straight- don't remember what I was, but definitely not straight

- Very feminine

- Also house husband

- Always wanted kids

Lunar

- Still hate Eclipse, he unsettles me to no end

- Biggest crush on Gemini and Earth

- Pansexual and ambiamorous

- Actually did enjoy being small

- Age regressed sometimes

- Definitely a femboy

- Loved Earth's hair- very very soft and fluffy >w<

- LIVED off of nutella and ice cream

- Very emotional, never fully got my powers in check :(

[secretlythepits]

Love in Action, Love in the Stars

I’ve vacillated on how I feel about the idea of love languages. When I first heard about it, I was gobsmacked. Amazing! That was years before I even met my husband, when I was utterly single.

At one point in my marriage, when I was a bit frustrated, I remembered and tried to work with it. I told my husband about it, but he didn’t really take it in or care much. Still, I observed him and saw him give me Acts of Service. I mirrored him because I saw that’s what he liked. Mostly, whenever I wanted to bring us closer, I’d bring him beverages as a quick way to connect: Ice water when he was outside, a beer or coffee if he was watching tv. It sounds funny, but we’ve always been good at responding to each other’s small gestures. If one of us takes a step closer, the other does the same.

But he wouldn’t/ couldn’t speak to me in my love languages: Affection and Words of Affirmation. I continued to speak his language and mine to him, but he only replied in his. After a time, I started feeling resentful. I saw the feminist problem with love languages: that women are the ones who primarily read about and apply this idea, while men just keep doing what they always did. Did love languages con me into doing all the work in the relationship and trick me into giving him a free pass?

I stopped my Acts of Service campaign and he didn’t notice or make more of an effort, but things got less pleasant between us. I started speaking more frankly and harshly about my needs not being met. I learned about attachment styles and guess who is anxious and guess who is avoidant? There was a stale mate in the air as we needed to change but I was no longer willing to do my part without getting what I wanted in return.

And then I rekindled my long lost love of astrology. I went deeper than ever before, getting into planets and houses and transits. My husband is a Capricorn. My dear friend, who is both a kindergarten teacher and an astrologist, observed that my husband shows his love and devotion through action. That’s being a Capricorn, the cardinal earth sign. It is who he is and who he has always been and if I looked at just his actions, I would see a pattern of consistent effort demonstrating how much he loves me.

I am a Scorpio, the deepest water sign. In fact, I am a fixed water sign, so I’ll always want to stay in the deep waters of emotions. Words and feelings are ocean in which I exist.

For some reason astrology resonates more profoundly with me than love languages and attachment styles. All three thought methods explained our differences, but astrology taught me not to try to change it. Astrology invites me to just accept it. We are who we are and rather than trying to change each other, bridge a gap, or heal deep trauma wounds. I can just observe, accept, and appreciate our differences.

Right now, our house is project central. My husband is hiring people right and left and wielding chainsaws and screwdrivers to put our house in tip-top shape. He is taking care of our future needs as best he can, while he still has strength. It is love in action. It’s also the fear he can’t find words for. It’s also my practical earth sign being who he has always been and will always be: someone who takes care of business.

And when I bring him a glass of water, when I handle the serious talks with the kids, I am being who I am: the water sign who has the language and insight to flow into the gaps of silence and complete the understanding.

It feels so good to settle

into the stars.

[terriblygrimm]

p s fucking a : obiwan is not anakin’s dad, was never his dad, never acted like his dad, never tried to be his dad. mentor does not equal dad. teacher does not equal dad. trainer does not equal dad. jedi did not have nuclear family units. those earth-centric, human labels have only ever applied to situations which attempt to get non-jedi to understand their closeness (i.e. ahsoka calling anakin her “brother” in order to get the martez sisters to understand something that is otherwise indescribable and unexplainable to someone outside of the order. or, say, “you’re the closest thing i have to a father” when obiwan was in his most puffed, overcompensating i definitely don’t know what i’m doing phase while anakin was young, created by the force who was taken from his family at a late age, clinging to labels as he fumbles to detach and grow). think communal. think bonded by trauma. think the loss of both of their master, qui gon. think all-encompassing tie to each other through fate, training, insecurities and war. think george lucas quoted saying he created vader and obiwan to be the dark and light fathers of luke. think of obiwan being the backbone of the entire skywalker family.

your generic, crusty ass take is basic, tired and boring. not only that but it’s dated. proven not only by people who can analyze what media they consume, but also by the mf 2022 OWK show and numerous quotes from ms. chow (and countless other canon material which paint obiwan and anakin as soulmates, bound in life and death, a dyad.) this take is also extremely limiting to the overarching beautiful narrative and does a disservice to the characters and operatic nature of the saga. it also excludes the beliefs and practices of entire cultures that george lucas intentionally based the jedi around. *bangs gong repeatedly* wake up idiots not everything is literal

[shootinwebs]

( Content Notes: sexual abuse implied, parent death, child death )

Headcanon that, if someone actually asked Alastor about his sexuality directly, he would have no idea how to answer. Not even if someone explained what asexual means, and the scope of the ace spectrum.

He doesn't understand anything about his personal life, because he's never had the space or support to work out his trauma. His mom was that person for him, and she died when he was fifteen -- he had no one to talk to on Earth after that, about anything personal. She was the only person who could've helped him figure himself out.

Very similarly to Angel, because of experiences with sexual violence, he has a hard time being able to tell when he actually wants to have sex with someone. For both him and Angel (except with Husk after some time), they can even say yes and go through the whole song and dance, before realizing later that they weren't entirely comfortable with it.

Angel did become someone Alastor talks to about sexual trauma and that cognitive dissonance, after one day when Angel accidentally sort of blew up at Alastor and told him and/or showed him something particularly gruesome about Valentino's abuse (something alarming enough that Alastor felt he had no choice but to help Angel calm down or at least stay with him). That's how they became close friends, and even each other's go-to person for talking about their personal trauma from sexual violence.

They have a lot in common in that regard: violent thoughts and impulses, extreme anger, wanting to have sex with someone one moment and wanting to kill them the next, having no idea what they want, isolation and feeling like no one knows them at all, and having a strong aversion to sharing anything personal about themselves.

And probably most troubling of all, feeling like they are what happened to them, and nothing else. That they have to invent these fake personas, because they feel there's nothing underneath those masks but the fallout of sexual abuse.

Angel knew he was gay from early adolescence, and it's largely because there wasn't much in the way of him being able to figure out his sexuality.

Alastor, on the other hand, feels he never had the chance to figure it out, because the abuse happened when he was too young to really know himself.

So, he struggles to know if his frequent aversion to sexual experiences (and even how his libido usually seems lower than that of most people his age) is part of his identity and the way he's wired, or if it's because there truly was never enough healing or closure from the violence he went through.

(He also had a daughter from one of these non-consensual experiences, who didn't even live to a year, and all of that very much had an impact on him in the sense that he outright refuses certain ways of having sex. He's very particular for more reasons than just personal preference.)

It's the same with the possibility of him being aromantic. He doesn't know if he's aro, or if he just lacks the ability to be able to connect with people so closely. To be able to give himself to them without fear.

[chairteeth]

Taking a closer look at memoriae

As per blog brand, this is about TouNemu again. I'm gonna be analyzing and pointing out a handful of things about Touka and Nemu's personal memoriae as well as their flower field memoriae. I ended up going on a biiiit of a ramble about the hospital trauma again which makes the Touka section look longer than it is, since the hospital trauma applies to both. Welp, enjoy!

The only memoriae of theirs where they aren't together are their personals, the obligatory flower fields, and one on each side which had reasons outside of their control that kept them apart, btw. Which is just. Yeah, talk about being joined at the hip. I won't be doing the dual unit's personal because it's kinda bland honestly? As in the text doesn't really give us much to talk about or even gush about, it's just a literal description of what happens in Christmas String. I will however note that it features a book (diary) like Nemu's personal, but has the exact effect of Touka's personal. We will also be looking at both NA translations and fan translations of memo descriptions for picking apart purposes (and because I do not trust NA whatsoever).

SO! A Freedom for Just Me (NA: My Own Freedom) is Touka's personal memoria and the description reads as follows

The earth orbits the sun? That's a lie. The world is a big place? That's a lie. Seeing it on TV, on the internet, how can you be so sure? The only things I know are true? That the starry sky, and the things around me keep spinning. (NA)

It's a lie that the earth orbits the sun. It's a lie that the world is this big. I don't know if what I see on TV or the internet is true, but the starry sky is spinning. It revolves around me. This is the only thing that's true.

NA chose a very funny way of translating that last thing and I think it makes more sense if you take the JP version, because well the sky and things in it do "move" from our perspective (we are the ones moving mostly but shh). Nitpicking aside, let me dig into This Thing.

Firstly the image itself is VERY indicative of how Touka feels. Hospital bed, with an IV included, the night sky, and that dome thing that looks an awful lot like a cage. Yk like the ones she also has everywhere in her room! The title of the memoria is also very telling, and I think people often forget just how tightly tied Touka is to the idea of freedom and the feeling of being trapped (in a gilded cage but a cage nonetheless). This is part of why she doesn't usually listen to others, too. Let me take a look at the visual elements before the text, it'll tie together nicely.

Going element by element... There's the hospital bed and IV. That's a very specific combination, and part of the "cage" Touka feels trapped in, the IVs like chains on her body. Her illness has probably had her bedridden and hooked up to a bunch of machinery before, we saw a glimpse of that sort of thing from Ui in the anime. And really what else to do but to look up to the sky and envy the stars, who are free and bright and real? Something you can see.

There's this whole thing about being an inpatient at a hospital, especially a child, that I've mentioned but have never really elaborated on I think, which is the part where things stop feeling real and you yourself stop feeling real, stop feeling like a person. I've heard about it from child inpatients when volunteering at hospitals and it can be a little complicated to understand for people who've never been in a similar situation. I'm not sure how familiar other folks are with the routine of a child inpatient, because that's a big part of what causes this. The hospital trio have mentioned it offhandedly before (I believe it was Ui who may have mentioned it while they were making Sakurako?) but:

It's grueling for the mind of a child to live in a place that is so... white, largely impersonal, you're never really always tended to as children need to be (the nurses will do their best but there is only so much you can do), you often aren't allowed to go outside or do a lot of the things you want to do, even inside, plus dietary restrictions can lead to Not Great relationships with food (or apathy towards it) whether during the extended hospital stay or after. The routine is also No Good Very Bad for them because while routine is helpful for mental development in a way, the "rules" and routines established at home still leave room for variety in a child's day, and normally they're always learning new things and gathering new experiences. The learning new things does apply to Ui, however not so much to Touka and Nemu, and the new experiences gathered are. Um. Well. None, for the most part, because that's kinda the point of a hospital—to be a controlled environment, for the safety of the patients. But really, when they say their routine is something along the lines of "wake up, maybe go to school (the hospital class) if you feel well enough, go to bed"... they mean it. They do nothing else. And not all kids are lucky enough to be in a hospital that prepares special events or activities for them, and even then sometimes those are not enough. They can't replace freedom.

There's a special kind of boredom and seclusion that sets in after a while. You need to understand, these are children. Not even teenager-children, children (for however long they were hospitalized, which is implied to have been a long time, at minimum three years if the anime is accurate to that, but I believe they were there even longer than that solely based on context clues). Kids are not adults. Kids do not have the experience that adults or even teens do. Kids don't know the world around them yet. It can get to a point where they don't even remember anything before the hospital, and see, that becomes really surreal really fast. I'm not sure how to explain this part but the child very easily can start to feel completely disconnected from "the outside" and their world becomes very very tiny. This is also done in part to protect themselves, because it hurts. It hurts a lot to know you're not allowed to do and experience so many things, while every other kid is, especially if you're terminal and are convinced you won't get better. It is implied that at least Touka and Nemu were of that school of thought, which is not great. So it's common, especially for neurodivergent kids (like TouNemu), to dissociate HEAVILY. The amount of sensory deprivation and understimulation in hospitals is insane. You see how Nemu in her quotes is constantly talking about taking in the sounds and colors? Yeah, this is why. Touka does much of the same, but doesn't directly talk about it. Now add onto the mental and sensory stimulation issues the fact that these two are child prodigies and you have yourself a recipe for Way Way Worse Than Usual! That's why the internet isn't quite enough. Because while adults and non-inpatients have the experience and firsthand knowledge of the world around them, these kids don't. So even if you read article after article and watch video after video, all they are to you is 1s and 0s. Text/images on a screen. Not real. Touka states it almost explicitly, and Nemu… well I could go on about the usage of literature to cope. It's not your world, you don't recognize it as yours (resentment goes brrr).

ANYWAY back to the Touka personal! So, Touka feels chained to that bed. Next up is a related element! That dome thingy above the bed. A lot like a cage, I'd say it looks a lot like the upper half of a hanging birdcage with the... thing you hang it from removed.

With the perch being the bed. This really is the exact same type of cage she has in her room... and we're talking about a character with a bird doppel... SPEAKING of birds, these kinds of cages are proven to be absolutely terrible for them (any cage that is too small for an animal is absolutely terrible for them), due to how cramped they are (notice Touka also calls her world narrow and cramped). If a bird was never let out of its cage and grew up for years inside that cage... well assuming the hypothetical bird has the mental capacity of the child we're talking about, its outlook would not be much different from Touka's. It may also represent the hospital as a controlled environment. Those who are "bigger" and "know better" control what's inside the cage, what happens to the being held inside, and care for the being's basic needs (this can also relate to diet things). Much like child inpatients, the mental stimulation of pet birds is often ignored, whether because the owner doesn't care or because they're ignorant.

Then, lastly, the night sky and a shooting star/comet (I'm gonna assume it's a comet?). The sky is universal, everywhere in the world anyone can look up and we all see the same sky. For a kid in Touka's position, the night sky can feel much closer and more real than any other thing beyond the white walls. Filled with glittering jewels that turn out to be not only pretty but fascinating, with incredibly variety and mounting complexity the more you look into the field, and constellations, asterisms, comets, odd stars and planets, long etcetera. The cosmos is an infinite expanse, the gift that keeps on giving, it gives and it gives without end, and it never takes, never asks for anything, never states a price beyond Touka's time (which, arguably, is one's most precious gift to give, yes something something the amount of time TouNemu spend together). In this way, outer space is similar to Nemu in Touka's eyes (she connects these dots way later down the line, even later than she connects the "oh, space to me is what literature/writing is to Nemu" dots). You can see why Touka may become hyperattached to the whole outer space thing and why it may mean so much to her (possible autistic special interests aside).

The girl was withering away, feeling like life was not worth the pain and suffering she had to endure from her illness and the consequences of it (such as the inpatient status), and the stars gave her something to reach for, something tangible, something she could know and know for good. It doesn't change too fast to keep up with, it doesn't feel like it will ever leave her behind, it doesn't take anything from her, and it's ever-present. The text corroborates my words, essentially, so I don't think I have to go into how the text applies to Touka. The starry sky is all around her, and she knows it well. Like a mantle of comfort and reassurance. I don't think I have to spell out why Touka is so linked to freedom and why she values it so much, do I? Also the part about defying authority and being all, unyieldy about things.

Anyway we are going to do Touka's flower field memoria next, then we'll go for Nemu's personal and flower field. I'm not even gonna use the NA title for this one, because the JP one is better: A Longing for the Beyond.

The end of the universe brings the dark and vast eternal world of time to my tiny little cramped world. The end of the universe also creates the flow of time. I don't care if my brain cells overheat, I want to know everything. I will cherish what I learn, and it will make me a kinder person. (NA)

“My small and narrow world and the dark and long eternity of time. It is the end of space that has expanded the world. It's the end of the sky who made time flow by. I don't care if my brain cells overheat, I want to know everything. It will become a nice possession for me. That’s how I can become kind.”

So okay this one, being a flower field memoria, does not have much to it visually, however the title and text are interesting. The part about longing, I think I've covered somewhat in the previous memoria's analysis. Plus Touka and Nemu are both INCREDIBLY yearny. They pine and long and yearn so much, largely because they have so much love to give, they love so intensely and that is often a feature of those who have been deprived of something they desperately needed/craved for a good chunk of their childhoods. But we will discuss that AT LENGTH with Nemu's personal don't you worry. I have covered a good amount of the text for this one honestly (I am pointing at Touka calling her world tiny and cramped and referring to the cosmos as the thing that widened her horizons and expanded her perception of reality, it's vital to have anchors to prevent severe episodes of dissociation), so let me hone in on two-three things.

"I don't care if my brain cells overheat, I want to know everything."

This line can be easily glossed over as oh Touka's doing the sciency word thing again, but Hey, Let The Child Express Herself And Listen. This is part of the very foundation of what I refer to as her gladiator behavior. Yk every time she and Nemu show dangerous levels of curiosity and fascination with things, and that curiosity alone is enough for them to take on impossible challenges regardless of risk, for no real reward (or no guaranteed one) besides victory? Yep, that goes all the way back to this, and there is a root to that behavior, that attitude. It's a little like living your entire life with clipped wings, and then one day, something (the stars in this case) changes your life completely. You're able to glide and fly for the first time since you can remember. It's only natural that you'd want to fly higher and higher, experience more of that no matter how many times you fall or how bad the bruise is. If you frame it a certain way, it's the tale of Icarus all over again. Wiiiiith the difference being that Touka was better at wing construction and she blew up her wings on purpose to successfully propel herself to the stars (Chapter 8 my fucking beloved). Her ego kind of connects to this in a certain way too. Since, well, she connects more to the night sky, above everything on the ground. She stands closest to the stars, therefore on a pillar raised above the rest. This is only a very small part of the ego topic though, it has many contributing factors. Also have you ever noticed that Nemu is just like the night, just like the stars. Quiet, subtle, with its complexity glossed over by the average person until you take the time and care to look closer- cough.

The part about cherishing what she learns is also very true for Touka, you'll notice she greatly values knowledge as well as learning, but see how the JP refers to it as a possession. I feel like that applies to space specifically and how deeply important and personal her bond with it was back when she was younger. As we saw in her quotes, she's much more willing to share now than she used to be, which is a sign of growth (also the fact that Nemu of all people, who hates and feels guilty for asking basically anything, feels confident and sure enough to casually ask Touka about something like space that used to be a landmine back in the hospital… Also Has Meaning, but I am trying not to gush too much here). And now I'm trying to figure out how to tackle the last line about becoming kind. I think I should fetch something I said on Discord while going through TouNemu content in my brainrot containment zone:

And then I said:

she's trying, she wants to help, she wants to be good. There are multiple reasons she thinks she can't though

really Touka's thing with kindness reminds me of this one episode of Supernanny where one of the little boys in the household was super troublesome and had ADHD, and after a tantrum he ran off to his bedroom and curled up on his bed. Supernanny Jo Frost very softly asked him if she could come in, and if she could come closer/sit on his bed, comforted him a little, and asked him about if he wanted to be good. The poor little boy nodded and kept saying he wants to be good with a shaky voice while sobbing, and you could just tell that he was trying his best but didn't feel he could be good

Touka wants to be kind. She wants to be nice. She just doesn't know how and believes that because it doesn't come in her "how to human" manual, she can't. She thinks if she keeps learning, if she keeps hoarding more and more knowledge, then eventually, surely, she'll figure out how to be kind.

... I talked so much about the personal memo that I don't have as much to say for this one- unless I talk about TouNemu and possessiveness that is. Because they do have a fun possessive streak! Over both things and people! But I will do that another day. For now, onto Nemu's personal memoria and flower field memoria!

An Unobtainable Thing (NA: Beyond My Reach) is hella depressing to talk about so buckle up! I spent a while picking at the JP translation. Description reads as follows:

What was I hoping for? What did I want? A newly released novel? An out-of-print book that sounded interesting? New clothes for a change of image? No, no, no. Those are all wrong. I just want to be told I'm loved. It's so close and yet so far. That is all I want. (NA)

What was it that I was looking for? What did I want? A novel that had just been released? An out-of-print book I was really interested in? New clothes to change my image? No, no, no, none of the above. I just want to hear the words that love me, the closest and farthest. That's all I want.

Nemu is more self aware than Touka is. Despite the fact that she suppresses that and her own feelings as hard as humanly possible which leads to… all of her no good very bad thought patterns basically. The visual elements of this memoria are a bit harder to pin down than Touka's because there's just, More Stuff In It™️ in terms of objects. I feel like the text here is much easier to go through than the visuals? But the visuals do a good job supporting the text anyway. Surrounded by piles upon piles of books, there's a notebook I assume for writing or notes, and the ground below is also written on. I'm not sure what the closed and piled vs open and laid out books could mean. Then there's the folded pajamas (basically hospital clothes) and the two figures in the distance, one taller one shorter, which you can assume are meant to be Nemu and her mom, or worse, Nemu's mom and brother. Which is depressing! You can interpret this as Nemu really really hoping her mom would take her back home, or you can interpret the clothes as the thing that represents herself and the piled books as a sort of fortress or shelter, while the two figures inevitably walk away and she is unable to reach them (seriously those piled books look an AWFUL LOT like a fortress, something something defense mechanism). As somebody else in my Discord containment zone said, the clothes, the books, etc are the things that Nemu does have, things she can acquire, while the thing she really wants, that being her family, are so far away as to be unreachable. The writing on the ground leads into the distance toward them, perhaps symbolizing her writing as her reaching out to what she really wants in the only way she knows how. Not to mention that the light shining through the clouds illuminating them from the background gives it a heavenly quality, pointing to her awareness that she will not live much longer and that the love she craves is what she believes is heaven.

As for the text though, I've gone on and on endlessly about Nemu's severe issues but honestly her personal memo is very blatant about the core of the problem, that being… that she just wants to be loved. It's that simple. Which I think really is the reason she agrees to go kaboom with Touka despite all of her talk of leaving a legacy and explicitly saying she doesn't want people to forget her. Since love is deep down all she's ever truly wanted (not wanting people to forget her, wanting to leave a mark, etc, are all things that in her case stem from not feeling loved)… well, once she sees that she finally has that, she doesn't really care about everything else that much.

The more enigmatic one might be the flower field memoria ngl because that one is weird for multiple reasons. Nemu, oddly enough, talks about her heart like three times or more throughout all of the content she appears in, which isn't much but it's odd that she's done it that many times. Like the religious undertones, I'd like to figure out what exactly she means by "my heart" but I think she just means her mind.

See Nemu's flower field memoria is Peace to this Battered, Dead Land (NA: Tranquility in a Wasteland), and it's already odd because it's the only flower field where it's nighttime and also the only one where we see "direct magic" being used? Iirc at least. The second thing isn't that weird but the first feels weirdly deliberate to me and I've been wondering about it for a long time.

Dramatically, it reads like this:

"Through written sentences, an interwoven world, or filled-in spaces, heartfelt stories flow quietly, gently, peacefully, and sometimes wild and frenetic, into the cracked earth of the wasteland, gradually filling up in a transient pool, to then become unique. If even one thread has a color, my heart will be at peace." (NA)

Let's write sentences, let's weave a world, and if the gaps are filled, the story will flow. Quietly, slowly, calmly, sometimes violently and madly, the story filled with emotions flows through the cracks in the dry land, gradually filling them and providing a tentative moisture. After that, all you have to do is get your personality. If you could give me even just one thread of color, my heart would be calm.

This one is very very fucked up if you consider one of the ways to interpret it. It's a metaphor for herself. She's the dry land. The cracks are the areas of herself that are "broken" or "damaged" (haha trauma), the hurt. She refers to her own life as a story in Arc 1 too, so this isn't a stretch. You can interpret this optimistically or pessimistically. The optimistic approach says that she's healing, the pessimistic approach says that she's essentially forcing things in there to appear put together and not be seen as problematic, bothersome, damaged goods, etc. It could even be both! It's interesting that it mentions quiet/slow/calm/gentle/peaceful and then also wild/frenetic/violent/mad, which I feel may be showing two sides of her (the calm Nemu we normally see and The Part Deep Down That Is Really Angry And Would Like To Go Apeshit). I mean there are many reasons that the way I portray Nemu in AUs can sometimes (often) be violent. I have the sadism from canon and more than enough evidence to argue repressed feelings, which, even if the feeling she's repressing isn't anger (which by all means it would be, other than sorrow and pain ofc), repressing it would lead to frustration which easily leads into anger. I think she has these issues in canon too, she just managed to not explode. Well, metaphorically.

Anyway so, where do I begin with Nemu's boatload of issues that these two memoriae just kinda graze lightly... I've talked a lot about it but usually if you look it is very possible that you will find More, which I'm sure is great for Nemu's self aware introspective philosophical author brain /s. However, a LOT of what I've said about Touka regarding a hospital stay applies to Nemu as well, and in some senses even more so, since Nemu is the type to overthink things when she's by herself (Touka also overthinks but in a different way, and she normally doesn't think about People™. Normally) but it might be interesting to dig into the early Ui era for this. By early Ui I mean after TouNemu met Ui but before they came to share a room and usually before the Christmas party (yk the one). The room sharing may have simply been a princess whim for Touka, but for Nemu, it may just have been life-saving. Or to be less dramatic, sanity-saving. Sort of. Because she's even said it before that she felt lonely. Imagine how much worse the isolation had been for her in a solo room. Heck one of my headcanons (based on her comments about and appreciation of "lively" people and places) is that she Does Not Like complete silence, or at least not when she's not very close to someone, which by definition can never be complete silence because you Will hear their breathing, them being alive and doing things usually, all that.

I said nurses try their best to take care of child inpatients. But nurses, even those who specialize in kids, have a lot on their plate. And the kids that take priority are the smallest ones. And also well usually they cannot really account for everything. Plus, in Japan I get the feeling things may not be as… warm if that makes sense. That is to say I would like to know when was the last time early Ui era Nemu got a hug. It may sound silly, but physical affection is actually really really important to children's development and can be particularly good at soothing them emotionally, similarly to adults but magnified.

However Nemu has this very funny habit (/s) of suppressing her emotions and not ever telling anyone when she feels hurt or lonely or anything of the sort unless she is confronted on it or absolutely has to. So there would have been no comforting chats with nurses nor any sort of tactile comfort (yes tactile comfort is a thing). Great going Nemu. If Nemu fell into a well she would wait there and not call for help so as to not inconvenience anyone else, it's That Bad. Will to live? What's that? (She even mentions the lack of a will to live when they're making Sakurako in the hospital and you can just see Iroha going D: about it). This is a common problem in hospital inpatients, particularly children, and it is rather disturbing/sad actually to hear a child placing so little value in their own life and even less worth in themselves as a person. I just have to point at Nemu's quotes and how often she's like "are you Sure you want to talk to me…?" "I'm boring, don't waste your precious time on me" etc. G i r l... So really I imagine the only highlight in early Ui era Nemu's day was literally Ui and Touka, and with her being a night owl and chronic overthinker, I cannot imagine the excruciating agony of everything after lights out. Yk. After lights out. When everything is dark and you are Completely Alone in your room.

Anyway Nemu is severely touch starved and affection starved please give her a hug. Touka that is your job. Oh though I guess they do hold hands quite a lot? But. Hug. Big close long hug. Nemu may or may not bawl if hugged that way and spoken to softly with loving words of affirmation. Gay babies.

[shin-meddlesome-hero]

Mini review: Gundam 0079 Episode 13: Coming Home

When I watched the preview of Gundam 0079 episode 13: “Coming Home” I thought that I had the general idea of what to expect: The young hero would reunite with his mother and experiment again the joys of his sheltered childhood life, he will even be tempted to remain home and stay safe. However, he has a duty to fulfill, so at the end of the episode he would leave his mother in order to continue his heroic quest while promising that he would come back once the world is saved. This type of episodes used to be common on stories depicting a young hero’s journey (off the top of my head I can mention one episode from the Saiyan Saga where Gohan manages to get back home but decides to train with Piccolo before getting to see his mom or that episode from “Remi” where the titular character leaves Mrs. Milligan -who was willing to adopt him- to continue his journey with Mr. Vitalis).

As you can expect, by the time I watched the actual episode, my expectations where upturned. If there’s something I’m starting to learn about “Gundam” is that it uses the narrative of the Hero’s Journey to hint at more bleak aspects of reality. So this particular story isn’t really about the boy who becomes a Man and therefore has to leave his mother’s side. Instead, it’s about a mother who realizes that her child has changed into someone who is able to kill without remorse, while the child doesn’t understand why his mother rejects him for doing what he knows he has to do to ensure his survival and the survival of his peers. At the end, Amuro goes on with his journey not only because it’s his duty but because at that moment, that’s the only place he belongs to. Even if his mother still lives, there’s no longer a home he can return to anymore.

The episode is a poignant story about the death of innocence. Amuro comes back to his childhood home only to find that his house is being ransacked by soldiers. Shortly after, he learns that one of the girls he used to play with when he was little has died, and his hometown is desolated. He gets to find out that his mother is alive and reunites with her only to feel her rejection after he shoots an enemy soldier in order to protect himself and the other refugees. He later goes on to vent his frustration by attacking a nearby enemy base (and presumably killing even more people).

Meanwhile, Kamaria asks why such a sweet child like his son grew up to become someone who has no regards for human life. She wonders if it’s because Amuro was raised by a man (which is preposterous because we all know that women can also raise their children into murderers #feminism /j), of course what this actually means is that she feels terribly guilty for staying on Earth instead of following her family to space, and now she doesn’t know how to face the grim reality of seeing her son turned into someone she can’t recognize anymore.

We as the audience, have seen that Amuro’s not a heartless soldier yet. His transformation has been gradual and it has taken a toll on him that manifests in severe stress and trauma. He knows that he’s killing people and has great trouble to do so when the enemy doesn’t take the form of faceless Zakus and battleships that he can destroy without any conscious remorse. But he’s unable to articulate what’s happening to him, so any chance to communicate with his mother is nullified. Mother and son are unable connect with each other and thus, they can’t be together. Amuro goes back to the only people that may understand him and Kamaria is left alone with her guilt and regret. From then on, Amuro would have to go on wherever his journey takes him even if there’s no hope that he’ll have a normal life ever again. And that’s what happens to everyone that gets involved in war.

Overall this was a great episode offering an excellent character study and a reflection of how war irrevocably changes people and the horror of seeing a loved one turning into the opposite of what once they stood for.

Also this happened to be the Swimsuit Episode for some reason, so there’s that…

[fenmere]

thank you @the-letterbox-archives for the tag!

This is an OC questionaire, and these questions were chosen by letter. We're going to have the cast of The End of the Tunnel answer them, because that's our upcoming book!

"what's your relationship with your family like?" Ashwin: "I've left them, permanently, most likely to never see most of them again, to visit another planet - Earth. Even though I've lived more than a full life already, and have existed several decades beyond the end of my vessel's lifespan, I do think I regret it. I was more than desperately ready for something new, but I was not so ready to lose those connections." Phage: "I am not a living being. I do not have a lineage like you may be familiar with. And I am the kind of thing that doesn't tend to have equals. But I have had a child, Ni'a, and I find that I love them very dearly. I do not think that I have been a good parent to them. Not by anybody else's standards. I don't know how. But they have never complained. I will not pretend that this experience helps me understand people any better." Sarah: "Goreth and I were an only child. Our parents tried to raise us better than their parents did, but they screwed up a lot. And besides our surviving Grandma, our extended family are all bigots. We've got a lot of trauma from all this and are estranged from almost all of them. In many ways, Phage has been more of a family member for us than anybody else. Anyway, Goreth and I are basically twins, and we're the core of any family we may have now. We're hoping we can build a new one from our queer friends." Goreth: "To elaborate on what Sarah's saying, I think we've actually got a family going with Peter and Abigail, our housemates. And with Erik and the Audreys, too. We've been there for each other in ways our biological families never were." Erik: "They're... a lot. If we're talking about my folks and sibs. I love them, but also I can't deal with them a lot of the time. I need them, but they honestly don't seem to need me, and it shows. They think they need the person they think I am. And I'm a whole different thing than that." the Audreys: *shrugs* "I got to take my computer with me when I moved out."

"do you have any hobbies? if so, what ones?" Ashwin: "The concept of hobbies is fascinating to me. Where I come from we only have an Art and then we have other skills. These things maybe classify as hobbies to most humans, at least those that live in and around Portland. But, it seems to me that a hobby is defined as something one does for oneself when one is not working. Is that correct? We don't have work on the Sunspot. We only have our Art and our distractions and the things we do to make others happy. We just... It's a totally different way of thinking and I don't know if I can explain it well enough. In any case, I used to think I didn't have an Art. But lately I've been finding that studying anything about linguistics fills me with this profound sense of calm and purpose that I've never felt before." Phage: "My hobby is life itself. In all of its expressions and experiences." Sarah: "Well, we're unemployed and unable to work, but we have a Patreon and the people who donate to it do so in order to keep us healthy enough to do what we love when we have time. Which makes our hobbies our work, I guess? I draw. That's my favorite thing. I also like to watch movies and the newer cartoon shows. I used to read a lot, but that's been really hard to do lately." Goreth: "I want to be a writer. I want to write novels. But, I've never had any luck making one work, so I've been getting that energy out by keeping our Patreon and social media accounts up to date. It's really more of a creative outlet than it sounds, though. In a way I've already written a novel. It's just scattered across several blogs. Oh, and I guess I collect things. I don't really think about it though, it just happens. Kind of my nature." Erik: "Horror movies, horror novels, horror shows, and experiencing horror in real life. Also dancing and being a smart ass. Oh, and monster spotting. It's like bird watching, but with monsters. There's probably other hobbies, but since my other headmates aren't awake right now, I can't remember them." the Audreys: "We kind of have a lot. But we don't really have the time for any of them. Too busy with work, which used to be a hobby. Hanging out with Erik and the Ampersands is really where we get our big break. But we rewatch Venture Brothers a lot, I guess. Also Disney movies. But that's like in the background while we work."

"do you dream often? what about?" Ashwin: "I'm not sure I know the difference between a dream and experiencing most of my life in the inworld of someone else's psyche. I was originally a fellow system member of the Minbàoni, and I gained consciousness and identity before I ever took the front and piloted their vessel. Once we got our neural terminal, I spent a lot of time on the Network, away from my system, and that was a lot like vividly dreaming in and of itself. Sarah and Goreth dream quite a bit, and I've been part of that since I've joined them. I'm still trying to make sense of that." Phage: "No. But I appear in dreams on occasion. I find it's an excellent way to talk to someone who isn't otherwise able to see or hear me." Sarah: "We have had so many recurring nightmares, even after our mom taught us how to face them. There's just always something. The nightmares of our childhood are our empowerment dreams now, and we often go flying or chasing monsters when we have them. But then, the next night, we'll have a nightmare about arguing with our parents in their kitchen. Our better dreams are the ones where our headmates hold a council meeting, or get together with us to play some kind of internal role playing game." Goreth: *gestures at Sarah* "That. Except, also, lately, I've been learning how to assert my actual shape in our dreams, and I get to spend a lot of time as the dragon I am. To the point where I think I prefer dreaming to being awake." Erik: "If I could remember my dreams, I'm pretty sure I could write the best movie scripts. But I'm glad I can't. I dream enough when I'm awake, I really don't need to experience that shit at night too." the Audreys: "Some of us do, and some of us can't even visualize an apple. It's kinda weird. Those of us that do dream have pretty vivid memories of exploring our inworld, to the point we've been able to map it out. You can read about it and see our diagrams on our wiki. But I don't think our dreams are anything like anybody else's. They're almost all internal politics."

We're not going to tag anybody else. Consider yourself invited to do this, and go ahead an tag us if you answer our questions. Questions for your OCs: 1. What is your favorite thing to do to avoid responsibility?

2. If you could choose anyone in your world to be your sibling, who would it be?

3. What is the most sublime thing you have ever eaten, and why?

[violethowler]

Inverted Mirror: A Discussion of Shiro & Sendak’s S7 Fight Scene

Back before Season 8 came out, I wrote at least one meta on my @fandomoverflow sideblog about the fight between Shiro and Sendak in response to seeing the constant hate being directed at the writers because people saw Keith being the one to kill Sendak as undermining Shiro’s recovery from the trauma of his time in the Empire’s prisons.

The original post has since been deleted and only exists as reblogs, because this was back before tumblr’s porn ban opened my eyes to the importance of archiving and preserving fandom activity. But after I decided to put together a masterpost of all the meta I’ve written, I figured that I would try to write my thoughts out again to reflect on my understanding of that scene years later and see how my thoughts now compare to my thoughts then. 

And one thing that I still feel very strongly about even after all this time is that complaints about Shiro not getting to be the one to kill Sendak overlook the symmetry their fight in Season 7 has with their previous duel back in Season 1, and the significance of what that all represents in terms of Shiro’s character arc and the show’s themes. 

In their first fight back in Season 1, Shiro and Sendak are evenly matched. It ends in a stalemate with neither able to back down without the other killing them, but also unable to strike without being killed themselves. Sendak’s victory in that fight only comes from Haxus intervening and taking Lance hostage, distracting Shiro long enough for Sendak to knock him unconscious. 

In their season 7 fight, Shiro and Sendak are still evenly matched, and Sendak only gets the upper hand when his ship crashes on Earth’s surface. But Keith’s arrival in the Black Lion turns the tide and ends Sendak before he can kill Shiro. 

The common pattern here is that both times they fight, Shiro and Sendak are evenly matched. The only time one is able to get the upper hand over the other is when outside circumstances interfere, whether it be the environment they’re fighting in, or the presence of their allies. 

And it’s specifically the question of whose allies are present that determines the outcome of each of their battles. Shiro faced Sendak alone without backup in Season 1 and lost because Sendak brought reinforcements. In Season 7, Shiro has the rest of his team ready to swoop in and help, while Sendak is the one fighting alone. 

It’s a demonstration of the show’s emphasis on teamwork and working together that has been hammered in from the very first episode of the series. When Shiro and Sendak fight, the one that fights alone is the one that loses, while the one who fights with the support of others is victorious. 

And it also serves as an encapsulation of Shiro’s character arc that I observed in one of my previous meta a few months after Season 8: that Shiro started the series trying to deal with his problems alone without relying on anyone, and that he had to learn to admit his vulnerabilities and accept help from others. The point of his arc, like I said in that earlier essay, was a rejection of the mentality that someone is weak for needing help to deal with their problems, both physical and mental. 

So having Keith be the one to kill Sendak when Shiro is cornered after the ship crashes serves as a visual embodiment of that message: that Shiro doesn’t have to face his demons alone.

Which is further supported by the fact that the series has already established a consistent track record of Keith saving Shiro. 

First in Season 2 when he flew the Black Lion for the first time to rescue Shiro from the angry wildlife of the planet they crash landed on. 

Then again in Season 3 when he rescued Clone Shiro as he was about to die from lack of oxygen and supplies in his stolen Galra fighter. 

And finally in Season 6 when he refuses to let clone!Shiro fall even to save himself. 

Even outside of life-threatening situations, Keith has always been willing to jump in when Shiro needs help: 

During the paladins’ very first training exercise in S1E02 “Some Assembly Required”, Shiro freezes up at the sight of the Altean gladiator charging towards him and Keith doesn’t hesitate to throw himself in front of Shiro and block the gladiator’s blow. 

So Keith killing Sendak rather than Shiro doing it is the culmination of this pattern the series has been building up from the very first season (barring any moments in Season 8 that were cut due to WEP’s meddling of the final season).

Part of the reason I think people reacted so negatively back in 2018 to Keith dealing the final blow to Sendak instead of Shiro is that they were expecting the story to resolve Shiro’s trauma with a big, cathartic confrontation with the major figures of the Galra Empire responsible for his pain. Something like Zuko facing his father during the Day of Black Sun in Avatar.

But even if that was the kind of story the writers had been planning on for Shiro and his PTSD, Sendak would not have been the Ozai in this analogy. 

Back when Season 7 first came out, I saw a lot of fans at the time acting like Sendak was a major source of pain and trauma for Shiro because of the scene where Shiro has a panic attack while Sendak’s memories are being downloaded in Crystal Venom. 

But when you look at the details that the show gives us about Shiro’s experiences as a prisoner of the Galra Empire, Sendak actually has very little to do with the trauma associated with Shiro’s time in the arena. 

Sendak was never once shown or mentioned as being part of any of Shiro’s memories of his time in the arena, and when they meet face to face in “Fall of the Castle of Lions”, their reactions are distant and impersonal.

There’s no recognition of each other as anything other than a Paladin of Voltron and a General of the Galra Empire. 

And before the fight even begins, Shiro takes a defensive position, waiting for Sendak to make the first move. 

When Shiro is captured, Sendak does mention being impressed that Shiro managed to escape and wanting to see if the rest of humanity had his spirit, but this only really indicates that Sendak was aware of Shiro’s performance in the arena.

It doesn’t confirm any deeper knowledge of what happened to Shiro beyond what we already learned. Especially because his reaction to Shiro’s prosthetic arm during their fight shows that he didn’t know about it. Which indicates that Sendak was not directly involved in what Shiro endured. 

And the scene where Shiro hears Sendak’s in the memory chamber during “Crystal Venom” is directly indicated to have been Alfor’s corrupted AI giving voice to Shiro’s private fears and insecurities, as Lance’s experience with the airlock earlier in the episode established that the corrupted AI could mimic the voices of other people such as Coran.

So while Sendak may have been the instrument the castle used to trigger a panic attack, the details of Shiro’s backstory don’t support him playing any significant role in the horrors Shiro endured beyond that of a spectator in the arena.

This contrasts with his reaction to seeing one of the people directly involved in his torture and modifications when Haggar confronts him aboard Zarkon’s command ship in S1E11 “The Black Paladin.” His immediate reaction to seeing her is to angrily growl out “you”, demonstrating that he knows exactly who she is. And then almost immediately he goes on the offensive. 

Haggar was directly responsible for everything that happened to him and has a deep knowledge of things even he didn’t know, based on the fact that she announces her presence by referring to him by the name his fellow prisoners gave him. Unlike with Sendak, Haggar is personally invested in fighting Shiro and tormenting him for his lack of gratitude to her for “making him strong.”

So just in terms of the volume of information we have about each character’s relationship to Shiro, the character built up as the biggest source of trauma for Shiro in regards to his time in captivity was not Sendak, but Haggar.

If the narrative had been meant to build up to Shiro personally winning a battle against a major source of his trauma (and I won’t rule out the possibility that this might have been one more thing carved out of the final season by Bob Koplar’s meddling) like how Zuko fully broke free of his father’s influence by confronting Ozai during the eclipse, the Ozai in that scenario would be Honerva, not Sendak.

Especially because Honerva was the one directly controlling his clone self in the second half of Season 6 and forced him to turn against his team.

If Sendak was meant to correspond to any character in this ATLA metaphor, it would be Admiral Zhao.

Who, if you recall, was also finished off by outside interference during his rematch with Zuko during “The Siege of the North Part 2” when the Ocean Spirit dragged him into the Spirit World. And I don’t hear people arguing that Zuko was robbed of closure because he didn’t get to beat Zhao again.

But even outside of that comparison, Sendak actually does fit as the Zhao of Voltron in terms of their roles in their respective narratives. 

Zuko and Iroh are our first Fire Nation antagonists, but we quickly learn that they are banished and are not representative of the Fire Nation military capabilities. Zhao, on the other hand, is Team Avatar’s first look at an actual military leader of the Fire Nation who directly opposes them.. 

Similarly, while we get brief glimpses of Zarkon throughout the pilot, Sendak is the first actual military leader of the Galra Empire who comes into direct, face-to-face conflict with our main characters. And by the time the Paladins return to Earth in Season 7, he and his Fire of Purification are all that’s left of it.

Galra civilization as seen in Season 8 was reduced to scattered colonies living on isolated planets, trying to stay alive while salvaging what they could from the remnants of the empire’s infrastructure. With the throne empty after Lotor was left in the Quintessence Field and Honerva killing pretty much all the potential claimants at the Kral Zera during the timeskip, the Galra Empire ceased to exist as a political and military entity by the time the Paladins returned to Earth in Season 7.

The only people left who were shown to still be loyal to Zarkon’s ideology that the empire stood for are Sendak and his Fire of Purification.

So by killing Sendak to help Shiro, Keith symbolically fulfills his own words from when he tried to kill Zarkon back in “The Black Paladin”:

“This is my chance to put an end to the Galra Empire. I have to take it” 

But as I said, a big Zuko vs Ozai moment does not appear to have been the approach that the Voltron writers were taking with Shiro’s PTSD. 

His arc, like I said back in 2019, was about learning to rely on his team and accept that needing help from others did not make him weak. 

So contrary to what people were saying back when Season 7 dropped, Keith saving him from Sendak did not undermine his arc, but was (at least part of) its culmination. 

TL;DR: 

I don’t if this attitude is still common this attitude in 2022, but a lot of people post-Season 7 were insisting that Shiro should have been the one to kill Sendak, and years later that take still annoys me because it misses the point of Shiro’s character arc, exaggerates Sendak’s importance to said arc, and dismisses the multiple layers of symbolism and meaning in having Keith deal the final blow. 

[astroyongie]

the only thing my soul can ever be next is a cactus, end of discussion im done with humanity lol. is it ok to not care for soulmates or fs or twin flames? like theyll find someone else who can make them truly happy which i cannot.

of course it is okay not to care about these stuff since many people dont marry, so future spouses aren't an obligation. Soulmates aren't always romantic they are also platonic and a person has more than one (and everyone gets to meet soulmates). as for twin flame, some dont incarnate at the same time and some just dont ever meet each other. That doesnt change anything about the people's purpose on earth

I just think some people need to stop being fixated on the idea of "perfect love" and that relationships is the endgame they need to feel validated. that calls out trauma, in a lot of you. if you think that love is the only thing that will make you feel better about your life or that it is your main goal, you might want to understand why you feel that way and what causes this need of validation. Because that is not healthy.

Of course one can feel the need for love. we are social beings and feeling nove is important, but a relationship shouldn't be your top validation priority because you are giving random people power over your happiness and your credibility