#and also being HORRIBLE for the environment
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People will often say something like, "Evil Maximus deserves to suffer and die horribly, because he [list of unforgivable atrocities].ā But, 1) it is VERY possible to be 100% convinced someone did something and be wrong. Any system with extreme punishments WILL, INEVITABLY inflict that punishment on innocent people. There is no way to design a system that won't do this to multiple, even many, innocents, EXCEPT by not allowing the extreme punishments for anyone at all. Because human judgement is and will always be imperfect, no matter how certain you feel, and no matter how angry, and no matter how justified you are in your rage. 2) what do people mean when they say "deserves"? What is the definition of "to deserve"? I do not think there is any way to define this that does not boil down to either A) the person is fundamentally evil according to some absolute morality system of the universe, aka a God, aka this is religion affecting the legal system, or B) "he deserves to die" literally just means "I want him to die," and is a way of expressing that wish in a passive-voice way that abdicates the speaker's responsibility for the wish. And no matter how badly you may want someone to suffer and die, we are humans, we are flawed, we fuck up. We ESPECIALLY fuck up when we are angry. And we know from studies that people tend to be, to one degree or another, racist and/or sexist (including the tendency to see men as more violent or less deserving of kindness), even we they are sure that they are unbiased. So we'll end up killing or tormenting people who could have been redeemed, or who were 100% innocent, or who were guilty but actually they grew up in an environment that prevented them from ever learning any better, etc. I don't think revenge ever actually makes anything better, especially not state/government/beaurocratic-driven, no-take-backs revenge. And ESPECIALLY not when there is, as in America, strong profit motives to fill prisons. This post is longer than I meant it to be, but the point I am getting at is, even if you on a personal level would quite like to see someone dead or hurting (which is what "they deserve [xyz]" probably means), that doesn't mean it is a good or just idea to try to actually incorporate that feeling into the law to be carried out in a systematic way which WILL also hurt people you do not want to hurt. And if you say, "I will not help so-and-so when they are poor or seriously injured, because they deserve their suffering," and you incorporate that idea into the law, that will absolutely hurt many more innocents, or at least regular, doing their best imperfectly within their circumstances, human beings, than it will people like whoever the wretched person you know or imagine in your head (maybe both) is. Basically, sometimes, in order for the law to be just, protect as many people as possible from harm and do as little harm as possible, it is necessary that sometimes a bad action, or a bad person, be punished less and suffer less than we or those they harm would like to see them suffer (than people say they "deserve" to suffer). Tldr: the word "deserve" is kinda bullshit and unhelpful but very hard to stop using but still also bullshit anyway /good lord why am I on tumblr right now
some of yall don't understand what human rights mean and it is legitimately worrying how some of you think that if a person is 'bad' enough they should have their human rights taken away
#anyway yeah#human rights are human rights#YOU DO NOT MAKE EXCEPTIONS#or everything falls apart#because your exception is just the person you hate the most#and tomorrow maybe someone hates YOU the most#morality ain't clean and objective and we can't actually structure a sane system by pretending that it is#rant?#rant#morality#politics#politics tag because I think people who have blocked that tag prob would rather not read this here rn either#anyway carry on#go watch a cat video#drink water#take your meds#sleep#etc
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how the fuck did my english class manage to take a semi-positive stance on generative ai
#im actually so pissed about this rn#we were doing an assignment about ai and plagarism#and i was expecting a firmly anti-ai stance#cause yk. english class. writing.#and also schools are usually anti ai (at least from what iv experienced)#instead what i got told was that generative ai is alright to use so long as the teacher gives you permission and you cite it as a source#like???? no??????? its still not ethical to use????#youre an english teacher writing and literature is literally your whole thing how are you okay with generative ai?????#i was sitting there fuming the whole time#like i wrote out an entire paragraph explaining that generative ai is NOT in fact okay to use#yk on account of it stealing from writers and artists#and also being HORRIBLE for the environment#but i didnt get the chance to say that because the teacher didnt even open the discussion of the ethics of ai in general#just about what it was and what makes it constitute as plagiarism#which i find to be incredibly ironic given that ai literally plagiarises everything#ALSO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LETTING STUDENTS USE AI#SO LONG AS THEYRE āGIVEN PERMISSIONā AND āCITEā IT LIKE ITS NOT THEIR WORK DOESNT MATTER IF THEY CITE IT OR NOT#ITS NOT THE SAME AS JUST GETTING SOURCES LIKE FOR A RESEARCH ESSAY#ITS STEALING#HOW THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR TO THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY PUT IN THE EFFORT????#anti ai#fuck ai#stop ai#fuck ai everything#i hate ai
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Man...I'm getting really sick of seeing AI in places it dosent belong. Go detect cancer cells and leave my damn art and literature alone. I need an AI fly swatter at this point.
#It's everywhere I look and on every damn app#I hate it#I hate that a concept with so much potential is being used in exactly the wrong way#anti ai#I hate AI#also learned recently it's horrible for the environment. All that to make shitty version of uncanny valley ass art#commissioning art is way more fun.#late night rants
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honestly i never really agreed with the popular shen qingqiu had a good shizun headcanon because if shen qingqiu actually had someone who he knew cared about him, he definitely wouldnāt have turned out the way he did in canon.
#the scum villain's self saving system#scum villian self saving system#scumbag self saving system#scumbag villain#scumbag system#scum villain#svsss#mxtx svsss#mxtx novels#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#og shen qingqiu#original shen qingqiu#sqq#original sqq#og sqq#honestly i get why he didnāt tell him but if yqy had told sqq the truth he definitely wouldnāt have become the person he did in canon#it does have good potential for angst because him being named qingqiu wouldāve hurt a lot more coming from someone that cared about him#than from someone he had a horrible/distant relationship with#donāt talk to me iām having og shen qingqiu brainrot#all it wouldāve taken was one person to show him love and sqq wouldāve been a better person#look sqq is a product of the environment he grew up in#he wouldnāt have become the person he became if he was actually given a chance to be good#also if sqqās shizun was actually good would sqq actually trust them?#by the time he came to cpm he probably didnāt have any faith in adults thanks to his abusers (i.e. wyz qjl & the slavers)#so it seems unlikely for a relationship to form between him and the previous qjpl beyond polite distance#shen qingqiuās trauma seriously ruined him#pidw couldāve been a lot different if shen qingqiu hadnāt suffered every time he tried to be good#rzfzx#ren zha fanpai zijiu xitong
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šøšĖ.āŗā¹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning šš»šš»šš»šš»šš»#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude ļæ½ļæ½ļ潚¤®#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk š„“#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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they should invent a trauma therapy that is instant and takes no time and is not painful at all. in fact it should give you ten orgasms in a row.
#borbtalks#less than 45 hours until my first session with an IFS therapist#and im shaking like a chihuahua that's going to the vet#one thing i am freaked out about: you can't really heal in the same environment you were hurt in#like teehee yeah i don't think they can fix me until im no longer regularly being told that im a horrible mean person who's always wrong#... idk why i said 45 hours i meant 48. 24 x 2 = 48. but it could also be 45 š#all this trauma makes me so fucking stupid 75% of my brain power goes to 'uh oh gotta watch for mommy feeling bad :('#but in every single person around me.
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coming up with zombie apocalypse stories is always fun because you can just say whatever and people will just have to take your word for it
#personal#oh it doesn't make sense? zombie media rarely makes sense if you really think about it we're here to have fun be quiet#for this one specifically they've created some fertilizer with a newly discovered fungus as ingredient#because of its regenerative abilities it would be great for crops because they'll grow better and faster and whatever#but soon enough it turns out that the fungus can make you very very sick and well. that's how it all starts#original strain only turns a handful of its victims into zombies because it targets people with strong immune systems#the stronger your immune system the more likely your body ends up being to start taking on the functions of the fungus cells#which means it starts regenerating a bunch of dead cells and then you become a ghoul. oops!#but then you can also start changing other people into zombies which is how it ends up escalating because the original strain itself#wouldn't be strong enough to end the world but the fact you can turn others is what makes it spiral#especially big cities become vulnerable because the zombies are like. highly adaptable?? you get different types of zombies in different#environments so like city zombies are super fast but not too sturdy so they die quick but also change 1-3 other people before they go#and countryside zombies are a lot sturdier and tougher to kill but also are just much slower etc etc and so on#and because it's all in a fertilizer there's also zombie plants!! which is fun because they're an invasive species#so there's just zombie nature taking over regular nature and zombies can use these like#zombie forests to regenerate in and all that :] horrible times all around!
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Granted I have the overall geographical and cultural knowledge of a 4th grader but from what I can tell the nuclear family model really does seem to be a white colonial invention
Different cultures have different approaches but I mainly hear about either large family units where multiple generations support each other and raise their children and grandchildren together or an "it takes a village" approach where children are raised somewhat communally
And I can't really speak on it much or claim that these families were free of abuse or that children aren't often an oppressed group basically everywhere I know of but the way ownership of your children is so engrained into white society is so bizarre
Like once you notice it you can't unnotice it even the most loving well meaning parents don't know what to do about it because everyone is so isolated from their own families and their own communities so you wind up with 1-2 parents who have full legal ownership of their child and are raised in a culture where you don't have personhood until you're 18 and all attempts at self actualization before them are seen as clueless rebellion. Like our culture is so divorced from the concept that a parent is someone who is helping mentor and care for their child so they can thrive as a fellow human being and it's actually so alarming
And ik this problem isn't unique to white and colonized people but it's honestly really soothing to hear about how other cultures approach and view parenting and community as a whole and to internalize it doesn't have to be this way
#like i was reading a book by Sabaa Tahir who's Pakistani#and the perspective on parenthood portrayed in it so healing#like when Salahuddin mentions that his mom taught him not to thank his parents growing up#''Ama taught me that saying thank you to your own parents is unnecessary. Akin to thanking your lungs for breathing. The times I tried#she looked at me like Iād rejected Saturday-morning paratha.''#and like obviously the idea isn't that your kids should be ungrateful im assuming that it's their behavior and overall respect thats thanks#but as someone who was raised thanking everyone for everything especially my parents no matter what it really stood out bc even little stuff#like that can make a huge difference yk? since I can remember white adults particularly my parents taught me i was a burden#and that their taking care of me was an act of kindness rather than a responsibility and I don't think it's some big conspiracy to make kids#feel horrible but it's not really teaching gratitude it's just teaching guilt#thats just one example tho#I also am at the extreme end of white cultural isolation (neither of my parents are close to their families we've never lived near them and#they specifically isolate us from everyone so the difference is a lot more drastic for me than it probably is a lot of other people#but when i hear ppl being close to their neighbors or anyone that lives near them i go a little insane with longing tbh#like what is that like? to grow up in an environment where your world is more than just your parents approval?#where there's some kind of insulation between you and all of your parents problems bc there is no one else#this was not a ramble with any kind of conclusion tho akehrjdhr#and once again I am absolutely not saying that child abuse is uniquely white bc. el em ey oh thats not how any of this works#it's just that white cultures view on children is sickening
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Alsoā¦
ā¦ Just bc I feel bad saying I was lukewarm about him in my other tagsā¦ I do like Ichigo. He's one of the more well rounded shonen protags in that he's actually allowed to fail from time to time and while he's overly powerful, isn't treated as the super ultimate power, necessarily. He just happens to be a weird chimera of powers that allows him to to do things people of one aspect can't necessarily do.
And he doesn't insist he's the most powerful either. Him chronically trying to help everyone is his nature, not him looking down on them. He respects the powers of all the Captains and his friends, he just wants to help.
And everyone else is allowed to be strong, too. Kenpachi is an absolute wild card, and I think Byakuya's also up there (not favouritism, I swearāokay, maybe a little bit) if he's fighting without being conflicted (I've come to theorise that first big fight between them would have gone on longer/differently except Byakuya didn't really have his heart in it, he'd just convinced himself he did), Hitsugaya's got a massively powerful sword and he's probably just going to keep getting stronger. Renji and Rukia achieve their own bankais and defeat enemies on their own. Ikkaku and Yumichika are no slouches, either. Despite some questionable writing, Orihime is allowed to be strong as well, having powerful defence and healing abilities, and her kindness is often treated as a strength. Her having no killing intent isn't treated as a bad thing. You've got Shunsui, Ukitake, and bloody Yamato in the mix. Uryuu fights on even footing with plenty of super powered enemies, and though he does go out of focus, Chad is never made out to be the weakest or anything.
Like I liked that in the end, they defeated the overpowered invincible big bad through teamwork the Old Men Brigade set things up, and then even Ichigo couldn't get a hit in until Uryuu used what their fathers made to help (and I'm glad that it was Ichigo and Uryuu working together, bc that was super poetic).
I'm just rambling now, but the point is, Ichigo is a good example of making powerful protag who doesn't (always) come off as too overpowered.
It's often treated as more he happened to be the right combination of things or the right circumstances to prevail. Wasn't hypnotised, already had a little hollow in him, is just really bloody stubborn. He's also just a nice guy! He cares about people he befriends and will work his ass off to help them bc that's his belief.
Anyway, to complete in another direction (sort of), I was thinking about this bc of how when he reaches the Soul Society in the blood war arc, the first thing he does after getting Akon to help is go to see Byakuya. Probably bc he saw that Rukia and Renji were unconscious and Byakuya was fading, and probably knew he'd want to now they were alive, but like. While they're not personally very close, I do think Byakuya is one of the Captains Ichigo is closest to bc he's so close w/ Rukia and Renji. Just by virtue of that, he'll end up interacting w/ Byakuya more often. And he does respect him (I think he got over the 'I'll kill you' the moment Byakuya took Gin's sword for Rukia). He goes to check on him, and reassures him that Rukia and Renji are alive, even saying 'don't worry.' Like I said before, I totally think he would have lied there, if they hadn't been, bc he'd be well aware that information would completely break Byakuya. He thinks he's dying, he wouldn't leave him thinking he'd completely failed to protect them. But more to the point, he doesn't respond after Byakuya talks about how ashamed he is and begs him to help. He responds to the first question, but goes silent after that. Andā¦
I love tranquil fury. I love it. I love this moment bc Ichigo's already fuming from sensing/hearing everyone being hurt. He's already super pissed. But to me there's some thing about the way he goes silent during that talk that feels like a switch is well and truly flipped at that moment. After that, he doesn't stop or pass go, just heads directly to Yhwach and is clearly completely enraged.
Bc until then, there's been a little bit of distance. He's angry bc he could hear it, he's even angrier when he gets in there and sees what's happening, but then he goes over to Byakuya and has one of the strongest, proudest, most level headed and noble people he knows break down in tears and beg him, while apparently dying, for help. The one who had previously told him that none of the Captains would ever need his help.
And that just hits the unstoppable rage button.
#Firebird Randomness#I love Byakuya#as you can tell bc all my hc ideas involve horrible things happening to him! ^^#but I do also like Ichigo and I found that moment very awesome and emotional#he's already angry for all the people that are hurt#that people he's close to were hurt#but thenā¦#my personal take is also that it's not JUST realising how bad things must be for Byakuya to ask this of him#not just that these guys have hurt his friends and Byakuya may be dying#it's also about the fat that they broke Byakuya THAT BADLY#like Ichigo considers Byakuya and arrogant ass and he's right that's why I love Byakuya#but esp once they're on nonhostile terms I think he genuinely respects him and thinks his pride is deserving#he considers Byakuya a powerful fighter probably one of the strongest people he knows#and has come to understand him better#a little bit like Renji declaring that As Nodt has to right to use Senbonzakura#it's not just 'Byakuya's given up so this must be bad'#it's also anger that these enemies reduced someone who he respects who he knows as a proud and skilled warrior#to BEGGING#to being ashamed and saying that he's failed#Ichigo doesn't understand Byakuya's whole duty and honour thing bc he's just from a different pov/environment#but he respects it and I think that moment he's also enraged by the dishonour done to Byakuya#if that makes ANY sense#I'm just rambling#Things You Didn't Know Fire Was Into
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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I should fucking kill myself
#I have this anger and dislike towards my little brother thatās totally unwarranted like heās 10 itās just my issues#n whenever I feel his hatred towards him I want to gut myself like#itās not his fault that my moms a better mom for him n that heās not scared of her#Itās not his fault that my dads sober and present for him#itās not his fault that my older brother is a good brother to him n has never hurt him#itās not his fault heās not scared of telling someone heās hurt or of getting food#itās not his fault he parrots all of my parents insane conservative views#but I still hold so much anger and resentment#When I look at him I see him getting all the things I never got and being free of the traumas I went through#and I know itās good and Iām happy heās grown up in a safer environment but Iām so angry that I didnāt have those parents#and I know heās also missing so many things I got#But it fucking hurts seeing how loved and safe he is and wishing I had been that innocent at that age#like when heās fighting with my mom itās over school work n video games n then he thinks he can talk shit ???#when I was fighting with my mom it was bc she came home from work in a rage#when I was mad at my dad it was because he got drunk n came home n yelled at my mom until she was crying in a corner then left#When I was screaming at my older brother itās because I was tired of him hurting me not because he called me a name#Iām a horrible sister to him and I hate it because when he was a baby I was so fiercely protective of him and so happy to be his sister#I watched his shows with him and kept him entertained when my parents got bad n I promised myself Iād take care of him the way I never was#but I failed n now I can barely stand being around him#like Iām such a good sister to my sister but thatās it#n it makes me feel worse about my relationship w my brother bc I know I can be better but Iām just a horrible jealous bitch who should die#screaming
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Thy twas boarded
#artwork#artists on tumblr#magic#fantasy#idk#knight#i was listening#so some dope ass music and got inspired#it was the EPIC the musicle sagas#if ya havnt heard of it i recommend that#now veiw my horrible percpective cause i dont know how to draw weopons#i dont remember the name of the song but it was the one about the sirens#also im weird as hell so i kinda just added an entire new region ans lore to my ocs world/story so this can exsist#basically#in an old desert region. these knights were raised to defend the lands to any extent. eventually#an apocalypse equivalent hit the l#the knights (along with all other life) adapted their bodys to survive the new environment. but the purpose of the knights never shifted#now gone crazy fighting everything due to all life being dangerous they are sent wild and inhuman#ok i think ive put enough tags on this now
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so...if you want to share with the class, what exactly did you say to cause all of this?
asking for, ehem, science!
i didnāt say anything specifically, i simply said i would defend berry after what she tweeted because berry is a dear friend and i truly donāt think thereās anything wrong with what he said <3
i have made many many dear friends from dnptwt and i am not leaving that platform, but im excited to have this account too :33
#i woke up to about 5 ngls telling me iām mentally ill for supporting her#and what has come out of the whole situation has been so toxic and violent and disgusting iām just sick of it all#i reblogged a post earlier that explained perfectly how i feel about the#you shouldnāt post things that dnp can seeš¤š#argument#so i wonāt try to explain why i donāt see whatās wrong with what berry posted#also the person making wild accusations about berry is a vile human being and has made that environment feel horrible for many many people#including a good friend of mine#anyway iāll stop yapping#em answers#i guess thatāll be my ask tag#i missed u tumblr
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being a pharmacist is like, yes everything sucks because we're understaffed and ran like as a for profit business and the healthcare system is in shambles and meds are always fucking out of stock and there's people verbally abusing you the whole day because of things beyond your control, but it's also like there's the regulars that you get to know seeing them day after day, the ones who will remember when you tried everything to help them out, the people that you might not help because the healthcare system is so fucked but they'll thank you for taking the time to listen to them and believe them, and so yeah, despite how much it might suck some time, i do genuinely just try doing my best with what i have and i guess it is actually gratifying
#not to be cheesy or anything but ive had a shift that was horrible in terms of workload today so im reflecting#the specific pharmacy i work at sucks ass and the environment is so damn toxic#so i probs wont stay there specifically longer than a year tbh but being a pharmacist as a whole ? yeah im not mad about it#every day im like blehhh i dont wanna have social interactions but then i talk to patients and its nice#today a girl i hadnt seen in a while recognized me bc i helped her out with#her asshole doctor and her adhd meds and she was like 'oh you changed your hair !! :)' and it made me happy#i also have a soft spot for the methadone/suboxone patients bc i see them every shift i work so ofc we just talk and it's nice !#ŠæŠ¾ŠµŃ
Š°Š»Šø
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going to a comedy open mic tomorrow mostly to watch my friends (it's at a cool venue that my improv troupe performs at once a month and a few improv troupe friends are doing standup there) but when these friends were asking if i'd be interested in coming they were like "btw there's usually a ton of open spots on show days if YOU want to do something... and they're not strict about it only being standup either, people have done character pieces and sketches etc like they embrace the weirdness... and they're not strict about time limits you could probably do anything between three and eight minutes... sometimes if there's not enough people signed up they'll even let you go twice..." and i'm like god damn it i thought i was gonna take a break from aubrey but this setup is like tailor made for an aubrey appearance lmao
#still on the fence about it bc the burnout i experienced at the beginning of may extended to aubrey#especially bc so much of my aubrey stuff is comedy about gender and my brain was more in ''set everything on fire'' mode#and i think i've gotten to a good place with that burnout but i still haven't worked on any aubrey stuff since i got home from college#but even still even tho my mental health is better than it was a few weeks ago#recently i have had this horrible insomnia where i haven't been able to fall asleep at night in over a week#(i've made up for it with naps but still i am not mentally 100% rn. i've tried so many things and nothing has worked.)#so that's my justification for *not* doing aubrey tomorrow. however.#i reeeally need to get more performance experience bc there's only so much you can develop a sketch character without performing them#and this venue is so good. it's an art gallery like an hour away that's designed to be part gallery and part performance venue#especially for comedy. like the venue owner is this veteran comedian who used to work with bobcat goldthwait and a lot of other big names#and it's a low-pressure environment bc everyone there has seen me do comedy before with my improv troupe#but they still haven't seen me do aubrey at all so it's bringing a new side of my comedy to some of my main collaborators#like this is so much better than my previous aubrey performances bc they were all either#1. shows in CLASSROOMS with a bunch of my classmates who generally don't get my comedy (very clique-ish)#or 2. a guest spot on a show at a coffee shop where everyone knew each other except me#plus the biggest thing for me is the lack of a strict time limit. like as much as having a good 3-minute monologue can be#i think aubrey is a character you need to get to know a bit longer than 3 minutes. and a lot of my stuff is long while also being very tigh#like not every monologue is like this but my best aubrey monologues are almost like aubrey is telling you a sitcom storyline#and removing too many lines makes the whole narrative jenga tower fall over#and as much as i want to figure out how to make every monologue a good starting point#having the chance to perform multiple monologues if i get to go twice so that they can build off each other would be perfect#idk i'm not sure how often the open mics are there. at least monthly tho i might be missing next month's depending on when i'm in toronto#so like this wouldn't really be my only chance. but yeah i'm on the fence about whether to bring aubrey back for a performance tomorrow#i probably wouldn't do new material. i'd do the 5 minute version of my uncle reg monologue bc it's the one that's worked best so far#and if i get to do multiple. maybe i'd do the ''nom de plum'' monologue bc i think it's also very strong#and it has a good callback to uncle reg#but idk i also think doing the song would be very fun and on-theme since it's pride month and the song is a satire of rainbow capitalism#tho i'd probably have to rework the monologue that leads into the song bc even tho i loved the concept i don't think i articulated it well#or i could write an entirely different lead-in and make the previous monologue (''C/H/M'') a separate thing to revise later#which would probably go better and somehow be less work to write. but even so i don't know what the venue's sound setup is
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the thing is i genuinely think we wouldnāt be here if it wasnāt so obvious that Netflix loves to cancel shit after 2 seasons
#shadow and bone#as in all of the rushed weird speedrun writing? i don't think that would exist--#--if not for everyone being hyper-aware that no matter how well they did in s1--#--there was basically a 50/50 chance they'd get cancelled#i feel like a lot of the writing decisions were 'we want to tell the whole story before we get shut down'#so everything ended up fast-forwarded three times over#bc they WANTED to tell these stories genuinely but knew they may not have a third season to spare#so it was a trade off . either take their time banking on a 3rd season and get cancelled on a cliffhanger/incomplete arc#OR cram absolutely everything into season 2 and hope for the best but expect the worst#which is just a fucking horrible work environment and it is literally only because netflix can't be trusted#and it doesn't matter how good or bad the show does it's entirely up to the 'do we want to actually pay these people' execs#and the answer is often No#anyways. there are a lot of problems and pitfalls but it was also fun idk#it's just a shame i feel like they got penned in by the post season 2 cancellation stamp netflix always whips out#shadow and bone spoilers
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