#and also because of the fact that i like inflicting pain on paul

[ringosmistress]

[lieutenantfloyd]

CRAWL - Feyd Rautha x Reader

[A sequel to Creature]

Word Count: 1.5k

Rating: Mature

Summary: A journey marred with horrors is reaching its divine conclusion. Now, you must reemerge and claim what’s yours.

Warnings: Major character deaths, blood, violence, torture, religious themes, domestic violence, implied Stockholm syndrome, heavy canon divergence, pregnancy, psychopaths in love. Feyd and reader very much a match made in hell. (This is a dark fic. Please heed the tags!)

Authors Note: I'm making it known that I never write more for my oneshots, but this story has literally had me in a chokehold for two months. Because of that (along with the fact that Creature is my most popular fic to date) it only felt fair to give it an official ending. This fic was also heavily inspired by Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token.

Read on AO3

The time since your ceremony has been counted using your instincts alone. 

Days on Geidi Prime are many hours longer than on your home planet of Kaitain. The blackened sun distorts shadows in a way you have yet to get accustomed to, seeing as you’d only seen the world outside the Harkonnen palace twice since your arrival.

With his sexual vulnerability made obvious to you on your first night together, Feyd-Rautha had taken it upon himself to re-correct the dynamics of your union. He has conducted this in the only way he knows how—frigid isolation punctuated by crippling violence.

It didn’t take long for the cracks to appear in your mental state, and it was an even shorter time until he broke you completely. Laying alone in a featureless room, you wished you were somehow stronger. Able to fight back physically, or at least shield your mind from his attacks. Nothing in your life was left up to chance, and you couldn’t help but begin to wonder if the skills you pleaded for were purposefully left out of your lengthy Bene Gesserit training. Even if this wasn’t the work of careful planning by The Sisterhood, the visions soon made clear to you how this agony was the only way forward. The sole path towards destiny.

It was only as the nature of his punishments shifted that you realized your apparent weaknesses were truly a gift in disguise. Each bloodied mark laid on your skin was now a wordless promise. Feyd-Rautha had brought diligent ruin to who you once were, working in blessed tandem with your visions to quiet even your smallest urge to resist.

Time moved faster after this, if only because it now went uncounted.

Your days were spent lurching in and out of consciousness. The pain inflicted by your demented husband brought forth more forbidden knowledge, and together they took complete hold of your body and mind. It was only a matter of time until reality became wholly indecipherable.

-

You come back suddenly. A shiver jolts down your spine as definitive reality forces the horrors out of your mind. No longer inside that desolate room, you languish in the silks of Feyd-Rautha’s bed.  Your senses have heightened greatly in however long you’ve been away, and your palms have grown ravenous for a blade. It was all clear to you now. Endless possibilities take the form of paths, the fate of the Imperium lies in which artery you choose to follow.

You reach outward with a newfound steadiness, waking your fated groom from his rest. His skin—porcelain in both pigment and temperature—scorches your own as he pulls you atop him.

He’s molded you in his image. A perfect creature with teeth that will tear flesh from bone with a mind as sharp as his blades.

Now, only pleasure remains.

-

The busy air is still like an ocean suddenly devoid of its moon. No longer waking up with ringing ears, you’d nearly forgotten what mournful screams filling silence sounded like. Behind you, Feyd-Rautha’s blade is buried deep in Paul’s beatless chest. The remaining members of the reemerged House Atriedes were subdued while you granted his most fanatical followers the gift of joining Paul in death.

Your sharp eyes barely grace your sister Irulan before she steps behind her father with a loud gasp. You wished for nothing more in that moment than to see yourself through their eyes—the ones widened in total horror.

It was after your reawakening that you learned how your visions of clandestine conversations and plans within plans were not just mere visions at all, but memories of before and prophecies set ahead. You weren’t sure how much your kith and kin knew about what you’d become, but you couldn’t wait to deliver your sermon.

“I’m sorry to hear about your Baron.” The emperor voices carefully. Testing the waters with a question directed towards House Harkonnen’s infamous brothers. You don’t miss his slight—how foolish it is to pretend as if surrendering his own blood to the monsters didn’t turn you into something even worse. When neither Feyd nor Rabban answer, you take the floor.

“Like Paul, it was a quick death brought on by his own shortcomings. Both deaths are unworthy of sorrow, especially from someone in your—position.” you taunt.

For those outside of Geidi Prime, The details regarding the Baron’s last moments are muddy and confusing. You see questions of who and how dance across the Emperor's eyes but you don’t answer. When one wretched being is divided between two bodies, the action of one is the doings of both.

“Well, congratulations on your ascension to the throne, Baron Feyd-Rautha.” The Emperor responds curtly. It's another slight towards you, but this time you yourself don’t bite.

“Don’t placate us.” Feyd-Rautha threatens as he steps in front of you, purposefully mirroring Irulan’s and Shaddam’s stance.

“With his death, my uncle has given me what’s always been mine,” he starts “and now you must do the same,” you finish. Another gasp escapes Irulan as the Bene Gesserit cry out. The Emperor doesn’t flinch.

"Do you want to commence the honors, or shall I?" Feyd asks as you step past him. Your knife already coated in the blood of your father before his sentence draws to a close.

-

Irulan, in exchange for her life, agreed to a transition of power and self-exile on Kaitain. There’s no ceremony when signet rings stamp decrees, just as there’s no theatrics when you and Feyd-Rautha receive the titles that grant you joint control of the known universe.

When her part is done, Harkonnen soldiers are quick to usher Irulan away. Whatever happens to her now is at their discretion, but you still hope they’re gentle. A thought that confirms the small soft spot for your older sister as the last remaining remnant of who you once were.

You board the Guild ship with one thing on your mind. A competing mix of adrenaline and relief threatens to throw you off balance with each step. Still, you march onward. Smiling as Feyd-Rautha instantly appears at your side. He places a firm hand on the small of your back while his dark eyes scan you over. You welcome his touch, the months of pain and agony brought on by his hands now heavily distorted in your mind. As such, both large and small displays of affection had become common between you both. Though the intensity of his affection had grown greatly since your personal physician informed him you were in the early stages of carrying an heir.

Hesitantly he removes his hand. allowing you to ascend the final steps alone. You sink into your father's throne only seconds before Feyd takes claim of the empty floor space in front of you.

Instantly the same vision from the night of your ceremony comes back to you, only this time it’s stitched together with your own memories. 

Staring down at Vladimir Harkonnen as he lay dying on the concrete just beyond that disgusting tub he dared to invite you into. The look of overwhelming horror in the eyes of each member of your former great House as you reunited today. Your current view from atop these gold steps.  

Each aspect blurs into one complete image. Feeling you shudder, Feyd-Rautha finds your hand and guides it gently to his chest. You share only the briefest look, but you see in his eyes that he recognizes this moment as well. You place a kiss to his temple, and after a steadying breath, he motions for the last of Paul’s fighters to be brought before you.

Your soldiers stop a few steps down from you, but Feyd beckons them closer so the man is abandoned to the right of Feyd and directly in front of you.   Leaning forward, you tilt the fighter’s head upward with the tip of your blade until his eyes meet yours. Beyond his teary heartbreak, a fire is still smoldering. You smile at this sign of a true fighter. Crimson blood catches the light, glistening against your ink-colored teeth.

"Stilgar..." you breathe, your voice turns each syllable to nothing more than a hiss.

You and Feyd move in tandem, allowing you to stretch further forward, though he ensures your soft hand never leaves his chest. Your blade digs further into the underside of Stilgar’s chin until you're given enough purchase to run your sharpened teeth across his neck. He doesn't flinch as you nip the rough, tanned skin laid across his jugular and carotid artery.

This one is strong. Feyd could make such a beautiful example out of him.

Pulling away from Stilgar, you only briefly consider keeping him as a pet before catching sight of Feyd-Rautha. He stares up at you with adoring eyes, though the rest of his striking features are twisted as he snarls in jealousy. Never one to deny Feyd even a single one of his desires, you offer him your blade’s handle.

"Do you want to commence the honors, or shall I?" you purr into his ear. 

Your question is answered only by the heavy weight of the knife easing away as it's taken from your hand.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

hi! I'm new to the beatles lore and I've been trying to catch up on an insane level of information for weeks. it's been fun but also heartbreaking 💔💔 anyways, I wanted to ask a couple of questions if that's ok? for example, I keep seeing this narrative that john was using yoko as some sort of weapon against paul... what was john trying to achieve by that I mean where does this idea even come from? according to this, john was hurting paul on purpose while he was singing him love songs in the studio asking him to be partners again (as in songwriting creative partners) WHAT WOULD JOHN ACHIEVE DOING THAT? also it sounds very one sided like paul is the most innocent in the break up eventho he was the one who came up with a secret album and a lawsuit. I don't know what to think. before knowing them I used to think lennon was in love and on drugs so he got so annoying to the point that he broke up the band but now...

Hi there! Welcome to the fandom! don't worry about feeling overwhelmed at first there is a LOT to take in.

I want to say, I do get the feeling you are somewhat mixing things up here, though I don't particularly blame you for being confused. (if not then sorry! just want to clarify as much as I can)

Tedious as it sounds, I find keeping a timeline in my mind (ideally, accurate to the month) helpful to provide some clarity regarding the breakup era specifically, so the period of 1968-1971. John's studio taunting you're referring to would have happened between mid '68 and mid '69, but Paul worked on his solo album (what I presume you meant by "his secret album", though it wasn't all that secret – John had already released solo music of his own by that point*) in late '69 and early '70. He filed a lawsuit against the others in late '70.

*I think you're conflating the album itself with the fact that, along with the release of McCartney (said album), Paul "surprise revealed" he had quit the band to the public, which the other band members, especially John, were not impressed with.

That being said, the events of the breakup are still convoluted at best, even to "seasoned" fans, I'd say. One of my main pieces of advice I can provide as someone who's been doing this for more than 3 years is get comfortable with not knowing things and with some of the actors involved doing something fundamentally irrational sometimes. They're humans, they don't always make sense and they won't always be forthcoming about why they behaved the way they did.

Which brings me to the narratives you mention: I say this as nicely as possible, but sometimes people want to tell themselves the best story rather than the most truthful one. It's more important to some that John is taunting Paul out of some twisted form of love than why specifically.

To answer your question regarding where this particular idea comes from, I would say: Paul has indicated that he felt John replaced him with Yoko (in whatever way he meant by that – some think it's sexual, some it's about creative partnership, or simply as a best friend); John's behaviour clearly and drastically shifted for the worse in mid '68, which is around the time he got together with Yoko, left his family, and started doing heroin; footage from Get Back shows John both all over Yoko and trying to reach out to Paul periodically.

There's probably more, but I don't know if there's much point in getting into the weeds of it right now. My point is: it's not the only valid theory, IMO, and probably not the whole truth if it is true, but it's not unfounded.

I think it may be a misstep to dismiss a theory because "what would John achieve by that?" Again, people are not always acting in a way that strictly makes sense, especially not people with the issues John struggled with. Some people might say John was testing Paul, trying to make him fight for him. Some might say John had an outright sadistic streak. Others that he was too out of it to notice the pain he was inflicting on others. I think it could very easily be a mix of all three. When dealing with human emotions, I personally think it's a mistake to assume things are simple and straightforward, which is why a lot of tinhattery turns me off. It very often feels like a blanket-statement self-confirming axiom, rather than a truly thoughtful and multifaceted argument.

My most condensed version of events would be: John became incredibly difficult to work with in multiple ways (including but not limited to bringing Yoko to the studio) by mid '68; Paul, for the most part, tried to accomodate him, to diminishing returns, while having his own longterm relationship fall apart and being completely in over his head running a brandnew business; Paul deals with distress by burying himself in work, the other three do not – this leads to further conflict, along with issues over creative control; the band decide they need a new manager type to help them out with their new business and provide the guidance they haven't had since Brian died; cue John wanting Klein and only Klein and massively distrusting Paul's "nepo" choice of Eastman + apparently not trusting Paul's belief that Klein was bad news; extreme resentment over money issues which are incredibly underrated by the fandom because at their core they are boring, emotionally, ensue; John decides he's "over" the band and tells the others he's out; Paul is destroyed over this (and everything that led up to it), spends months spiraling and recording his album; wanting to get this all out of the way, Paul finally breaks down and admits he's leaving the Beatles to the world and to the band itself, even though he had asked John to stay quiet about his own quitting the band months earlier; John (understandably, IMO, though I don't blame Paul exactly – this is what I mean by not everything makes perfect sense) assumes Paul is using the band breakup for PR and gets a hell of a lot angrier than he already is about the money stuff; John undergoes primal therapy which opens up about 43273289635298 wounds; John does an interview in which he spills his guts and tears down almost everyone in his life except Yoko; meanwhile more financial issues. I cannot overstate that those matter too, tumblr is just not a place where finance peeps hang out; Paul is getting more and more fed up with all of this and he, as a last resort, files a lawsuit to no longer be legally tied to the others.

I for the most part left out George and Ringo here* and I'm writing off memory here without re-checking sources, so take what I say with a massive grain of salt. My main point is that this shit is complicated and don't let people tell you it isn't.

*I'm of the opinion that John and Paul are at the center of the breakup, but they also aren't the be-all, end-all of it. But because in the end George and Ringo fell "in line" with John and you didn't ask about them, I decided to mostly leave them out.

[houseofbrat]

Don’t blame ‘stupid people on the internet’ for palace’s Princess Kate lies

Elite columnists jumped on the masses for Princess Kate speculation before her cancer announcement. But blame the palace for its lies.

by Will Bunch | Columnist

Published Mar. 24, 2024, 1:12 p.m. ET

The background birds had barely stopped chirping in the dramatic Friday video from Catherine, the Princess of Wales, revealing her cancer diagnosis and ongoing chemotherapy when the rush to judgment took full flight.

The elite columnists at the New York Times — the powerful news org that’s watched its authority erode in the internet age, often from self-inflicted wounds — were almost gleeful, despite the downbeat medical news, in pointing the finger of blame for months of increasingly feverish online speculation on the whereabouts of Princess Kate, missing in action since Christmas. The villain in their version was Time’s 2006 Person of the Year.

You.

“The Real Royal Scandal is Us,” blared the Times headline over its lead column from book-critic-turned-cultural-scold Pamela Paul, who said the real lesson from the frenzy that escalated when a doctored, or worse, photo of Kate Middleton and her three kids was handed out to the press, is that Americans should stop hounding public figures when they deserve privacy. She wrote: “Kate’s terrible news shouldn’t just make us feel terrible for Kate; it should also make us feel terrible about ourselves.”

If you weren’t performing an Opus Dei-style self-flagellation ritual after reading Paul’s column, the whip was turned over to her Times colleague Jessica Bennett in its new feature of quick opinion hits called “The Point.” This one was headlined: “The Internet Should Feel Shame Over Kate Middleton.” I always thought that “the internet” — like Simon and Garfunkel’s rock — feels no pain, but of course the entity that Bennett is really attacking here, again, is you. She wrote, also endorsing Kate’s privacy plea, that “[t]he public, in turn, should feel very, very stupid.”

Let’s be clear: This is a completely bass-ackwards interpretation of what’s played out over the last few weeks. The apparent truth-telling of Kate’s Friday night news dump didn’t happen because people are stupid. It happened because people are smart. Smarter, at least, than a Kensington Palace — Kate, her husband-who-would-be-king Prince William, and their army of protectors — that alternatively dissembled about the princess’s whereabouts, encouraged paparazzi speculation, and finally put out a photographic lie and made Kate take the blame for it.

Indeed, the fact that so many columnists for leading news orgs raced to attack “the public” (formerly known as “their readers,” who are deserting the mainstream media in droves) is “a tell,” showing you what the Kate whereabouts scandal was ultimately about: authority, and the truth. Writers like the Times’ Paul still identify with Kensington Palace because they realize they are kindred spirits: diminished institutions whose bond of trust with the people they feel comfortable in attacking is rapidly collapsing.

Not surprisingly, the columns by Paul, Bennett, and others seized on the most out-there conspiracy theories — to be expected in a world of 5.35 billion internet users, when the royal family’s Nixonian PR strategies all but begged them to speculate. They ignored the reality that what most everyday people were saying on the internet — that Kate must be more seriously ill than the bland and occasionally misleading statements from Kensington Palace — proved to be the truth.

Why should the public feel very, very stupid when it wasn’t the public but Kensington Palace that earlier this month released the now notorious British Mother’s Day photo of Kate and her children, allegedly snapped by Prince William himself, that was spiked by the world’s major news organizations after it became obvious that the picture was altered, perhaps substantially? Was it “the internet” that then decided to throw Kate under the bus by blaming the fiasco on her amateur Photoshopping skills — removing William, not to mention credibility, from the discussion?

Should we actually be feeling terrible about ourselves when Kensington Palace did nothing to disown the various paparazzi videos and photos of a happy and normal Kate riding in cars or shopping at a farmer’s market which — as we learned when the video of the actual Kate was released on Friday night — clearly were not her. Indeed, it was a little gob-smacking last weekend to watch mainstream news outlets hype the TMZ shopping video as some kind of “proof of life” when anyone with a reasonably working set of eyes could see this woman looked almost nothing like Kate.

I won’t go chapter and verse on the various inconsistencies from Team Kate about scheduling, timelines, or its initial statements about her condition, or the fact that even some of Friday night’s disclosures about her cancer diagnosis seemed at odds with how the disease is normally discovered and treated. But I will say that while I agree that Kate’s plea for privacy should be respected, the version of absolute privacy for Britain’s royal family now being pushed by these U.S. opinion writers is a little absurd, especially when a lot of internet speculation didn’t even happen until after the palace’s lies.

Prince William is not a private citizen but in all probability Britain’s next head of state, at the top of a monarchy that their nation’s taxpayers support to the tune of more than $100 million a year because his family’s public presence is supposed to provide a form of moral leadership to a Great Britain that’s experiencing more than its share of problems right now. Like running for president or getting hired as football coach at the University of Alabama, marrying into the royal family is a devil’s bargain where you agree to surrender some of your privacy. The public doesn’t need Kate’s entire medical file, but did it need to be lied to?

One thing that truly annoys me about this whole affair is that it played into some seriously outdated attitudes, from some in the public and way too many in the media, about cancer. I’m still amazed when a public figure reveals an early detected and highly treatable form of cancer and some reports still treat it like a death sentence. Cancer is still horrible, but the 21st century has seen remarkable advances in detection and treatment that means that millions of people with the disease are living full and relatively normal lives. Kensington Palace had an opportunity to attack cancer’s unnecessary stigma with honesty — instead of perpetuating it.

But the bigger problem with this fiasco is that, in an age of growing disinformation, given a nuclear-power boost with new AI technologies, the public has lost all faith in who or what can be believed. It was striking that in the same hour Friday as Kate’s bombshell announcement, the first news flashes and shaky iPhone videos were emerging from Moscow about the theater terror attack by gunmen and arsonists who killed at least 137 people.

The vivid videos were real, but everything else about the terrorist attack was murky beyond recognition. A faction of the Islamic militant group ISIS claimed credit for the attack, but that didn’t explain how terrorists moved around so easily in an overpoliced security state, whose leader, Vladimir Putin, has been linked in the past to “false flag” attacks. Indeed, the Putin regime almost immediately, and with little proof, sought to connect the attack to Ukraine, ginning up an excuse to launch even more horrific assaults against its neighbor while clamping down on dissent at home.

Were people on the internet “very, very stupid” for questioning Putin’s version of the truth? Of course not, but it’s harder to challenge the world’s lying autocrats when the supposed “good guys” are fibbing, too. Dictatorship rises in times when the very concept of truth has been obliterated. The public’s total loss of faith in institutions is a straight downward line that started with Vietnam and Watergate and shifted into high gear with the Iraq War — beginning as tragedy until it finally devolved into the farce of fake royal pictures, when our figurehead is not what she seems.

I’ve always clung to a naïve faith that my colleagues in the media could be the last bastion of truth-telling. But the only truth I feel after the New York Times called me and 5 billion other people stupid is the reality of not knowing who I can believe in anymore.

[one-boring-person]

A lost boys x reader who is an dance mentor (idk if you know blackpink but a member 'lisa' is a mentor in dance.) can you maybe write an sort of one shot about what would happen if the reader would teach the kids and if the boys would be there?

I'm sorry this is a bit short, but I hope you enjoy it!

Isn't It Just?

The Lost Boys x reader

Warnings: slight injury

Masterlist

Their eyes are on me again as I go through the choreography with the children, watching every movement I do with fascinated scrutiny, completely ignoring the smaller people in the room. I can feel a blush rising to my cheeks again, the attention from the four boys in particular not unwanted but incredibly distracting, especially when I know how they feel about seeing me dance.

My own eyes flick across to them momentarily, sheepish pride filling me at their mostly admiring expressions, biting back a smile as i see Paul itching to get involved, the playful vampire having told me before how he'd like to try joining in some time. Of course, I'd had to turn him down, aware of the safeguarding issues that came with even just having them in the room, eventually just letting them sneak themselves in and use their mind games to hide themselves whenever necessary. None of the kids really minded, most of them totally ignoring the four random men at the back of the room, deeming them unimportant and keeping their concentration solely on me, which I love to bring up around my four counterparts whenever it comes to it, knowing it annoys them a lot.

For months now, the boys have sat in on my lessons, finding them somehow entertaining to watch, despite the fact that they can't get involved themselves. I've offered many times to teach them at the cave, or even on the beach, but they've never really taken the interest, except Paul, who tried it a couple of times, an experience which I will keep with me for the rest of my life. Dwayne had also expressed interest at one point, but somehow we'd never actually gotten round to trying anything even remotely close to dancing, even when alone on the few occasions we had the cave to ourselves. Neither David or Marko had ever explicitly told me they wanted to try it, but something in the way the latter watches the younger children moving makes me think he may be slightly curious, though it's unlikely he'll ever confess to this.

Distracted by my thoughts, I go to lead the children through a particular movement, not quite judging it well enough and going over on my ankle a bit. Pain instantly flares up at the joint, but I ignore it, gritting my teeth as I choose to keep going. I can tell the boys have noticed something is wrong; my movements are now slightly stilted, disjointed due to my reluctance to put too much weight on the affected limb, giving way to a pretty poor performance of my usual skill. Thankfully, no one else seems to notice anything, so I continue on, wincing every now and then as it smarts.

Eventually, the lesson draws to a close, the children filing out with their parents, who are mostly glad to see their kids having fun. Naturally, none of them realise the boys are in the room, the four vampires having used their mind tricks to conceal themselves once more, but I can tell already that they're getting antsy. As soon as the room is empty, they're by my side, each trying to get close enough to help me out.

"(Y/n), what happened? Did you hurt yourself?" Paul starts off, earning him an irritated scowl from David, who most likely wanted to be the one to ask.

"Er, maybe just a little bit." I admit, grimacing slightly as I hobble over to the bench pushed up against the wall, sitting on it and pulling off my shoe and sock,  examining the injured area.

"How badly does it hurt?" David questions me, standing over me worriedly.

Flexing the joint, I bite my lip as a bolt of pain goes up my leg from the movement.

"Quite." I tell him, knowing there's no point in lying to him, "But I'm sure it will be fine tomorrow."

"I'm not so sure. Can I take a look?" Dwayne asks me, gesturing to my foot.

"Go ahead."

The tall vampire kneels beside me, carefully reaching out and taking my foot in his hands, running his fingers over the smooth skin. Shuddering slightly at the sensation of his touch, I can only watch as he nimbly moves my appendage around in his grip, gently feeling over the inflicted area. Small but definitely noticeable waves of pain radiate from the joint, drawing sharp gasps from me every now and then, Dwayne's dark eyes flicking up to me with each sound. Sighing, he stands up again.

"I think you might have sprained it." He reveals, looking a little sympathetic as he steps back.

"Sprained? How can you tell?" I inquire, feeling a little put out by the idea that I may have injured myself enough to render me useless for a couple of days.

"Well, it's bruising and swelling as if it were broken, but the bones are all still intact from what I can tell, so I think you've sprained it."

"Oh." Pouting, I slump back in my seat, groaning to myself.

"What's wrong?" Marko questions me, frowning at me in confusion.

"Well, this means I can't teach for a couple of days, which is annoying for me because it means I'm missing out on work." I explain, gesturing to the room around us as I do so.

"That's annoying, I guess, but at least you didn't give yourself a worse injury." The shorter blonde vampire replies, shrugging.

"True." I huff, still annoyed at myself.

"Come on, grumpy, let's get you home. We'll order you some takeout and watch a movie or something." Paul proposes, smirking down at me as I smile up at him.

"You know me too well." I grin at him, shaking my head.

"Too right we do." David interjects, chuckling as he scoops me into his arms.

"Hey, I can still walk, you know!" I protest half-heartedly, settling into his grip.

"Like we're gonna let you walk around with an injury." Marko scoffs, grabbing my bag and chucking it at Paul, who catches it with a grunt.

"How gentlemanly of you all." I roll my eyes, trying not to flush out of embarrassment as David carries me from the room.

"Isn't it just." The platinum blonde replies, holding me tighter.

[xtruss]

Where the Buffalo Roam: World’s Longest Wildlife Bridge Could Cross the Mississippi

Conservationist aims to replace old bridge with bison preserve, benefiting environment and spotlighting Indigenous history

— Kari Paul | Sunday, 27 June 2021 | Guardian USA

A bridge across the Mississippi could over a new spot for American bison. Photograph: Alan Rogers/AP

Between Iowa and Illinois, spanning the only stretch of the Mississippi River that flows from east to west, sits an exhausted 55-year-old cement bridge. Each day 42,000 cars drive across the ageing structure, which is slated to be torn down and replaced.

But when Chad Pregracke looks at the bridge, he has a different vision entirely – not an old overpass to be demolished, but a home for the buffalo to roam.

The conservationist and local hero hails from the Quad Cities, a 300,000-person metropolitan area spanning two states on either side of the Mississippi River. It is named for its four cities: Bettendorf and Davenport in south-eastern Iowa and Moline and Rock Island in north-western Illinois.

Pregracke spends months every year living on barges and cleaning up refuse from the Mississippi, and he has brought his passion for the river to his latest project: converting the ailing bridge into a buffalo preserve. The idea came to him four years ago as he drove across the bridge one day, he says: “I thought, what if we made this a wildlife crossing?”

Now, his unlikely vision is being taken seriously. The departments of transportation in Iowa and Illinois are considering the proposal, which would break ground in as little as five years.

A rendering of a potential future wildlife crossing. Photograph: Bison Bridge Foundation

If completed, the bridge would become the longest human-made wildlife crossing in the world. The plan would see a new bridge built further down the river, where car traffic will be rerouted, and the existing bridge converted for use by humans and American bison – colloquially known as buffalo.

On one side would stand a pedestrian path and bike path, and on the other an enclosed bison paddock that would let visitors see eye to eye with the huge creatures. The herds would be free to roam between Iowa and Illinois in the grassy expanse, and the project would establish the first national park in either state.

While in many ways unique, the proposal follows a growing trend of urban renewal projects – perhaps most famously the High Line in New York City, a raised railroad converted into an elevated park. In Chicago, a raised railroad track was also converted into a park and bike trail. In Los Angeles, there have been proposals to convert part of the 101 freeway into a park.

Meanwhile, bison preserves featuring small herds have emerged in various locations across the US, including outside of Denver and in the middle of San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park.

How creating wildlife crossings can help reindeer, bears – and even crabs

Advocates for the Bison Bridge, as it is being called, say repurposing the structure rather than demolishing it would reduce waste, save costs, and benefit the environment. Pregracke says the project would help turn the Quad City area into a world-class destination, highlighting the Mississippi River as a feature worth traveling to, rather than a body of water to be crossed on the highway. “I mean, how could you not stop for bison?” Pregracke said.

Native American groups say bison restoration is an important means of reconnecting with the land and local history – and recognizing the interlinked atrocities committed against bison and Indigenous people.

Since 1997, the National Wildlife Federation has held a conservation agreement with an intertribal advocacy group for the return of wild bison to tribal lands and “restoring Native Americans’ cultural connection to bison”. What is now the Quad Cities was, in the early 1800s, a principal trading center for Indigenous peoples. Advocates say highlighting the area’s traditional connection with bison can call attention to that history.

The Bison’s History as a ‘Cornerstone Species’

Buffalo were once abundant in the midwest and western United States, but they were hunted nearly to extinction.

In the mid-1800s it was estimated that 30 million to 60 million buffalo roamed the Great Plains before the US government began to systematically target them as a means to starve Indigenous Americans and drive them off their land. By the end of the 19th century, only 300 wild bison remained.

The current bridge over the Mississippi. Photograph: Bison Bridge Foundation

Pregracke has convened a team of experts to help bring the bridge to life, including Jason Baldes, a tribal bison coordinator for the National Wildlife Federation. A member of the Eastern Shoshone, Baldes works to restore bison to the lands they once populated and reconnect them with Indigenous peoples who revered them as a main source of food and a spiritual symbol.

“The bison was known as the life commissary for my grandmas and grandpas,” Baldes said. “It was food, clothing, shelter, and was also central to our cultural and spiritual belief systems.”

Baldes said restoring bison in the US was important both culturally and ecologically. Bison are known as a keystone species, meaning their existence benefits a number of species in their native habitats.

The stampedes of millions of bison on the Great Plains helped aerate the soil, aiding in plant growth and the dispersal of native seeds to create a varied ecosystem. The fur of the animal is ideal for insulating the nests of certain birds, and burrowing owls once relied on their dung for building their homes. Bison have a tendency to wallow, or roll around on the ground, creating small depressions that provide unique habitats for plant and animal species.

Baldes said the reintroduction of bison to tribal communities and public parks represented an opportunity to teach the broader public about that painful history and rebuild.

“We are finding ways to heal from the atrocities of the past, and buffalo restoration, and the restoration of the foundation of our cultural values and belief systems, is very important to that,” Baldes said.

A rendering of the project. Photograph: Bison Bridge Foundation

Baldes said based on his experience with bison populations, the bridge would be a sufficient size for a small herd of eight to 10 animals. But the small size did not diminish the importance of the project, he said, adding that he saw it as a “very key educational tool” for the broader public. The Meskwaki nation had been contacted regarding the project but was not collaborating in an official capacity as of now, a spokeswoman said.

“Bison were destroyed as a means to eradicate Native American land holdings and inflict genocidal practices, so for our tribal communities, buffalo restoration is very important,” Baldes said. “But it’s not only important to Native American tribes, but it’s important to the American people to at least have an opportunity to learn about this history.”

Local Agencies Anticipate a Bison Boom

Daniel MacNulty, an associate professor of wildland resources at Utah State University who studies wild bison populations in Yellowstone national park, said the repurposed bridge would in fact make a feasible habitat for the animals. Bison were hardy animals that could easily adapt to new surroundings, and while the size of the park proposed would not necessarily support a large herd of bison, a small herd would serve an important purpose.

Bison Bridge foundation logo. Photograph: Bison Bridge Foundation

“It is certainly an out-of-the-box idea, but it provides an opportunity to conserve bison,” MacNulty said. “Any time the public is exposed to information about the ecology of bison and the Great Plains, it is a positive thing.”

Officials in the Quad City area have been supportive of the project in part because of the opportunities it could bring for tourism and growth to the area, which has had a stagnant population for more than 30 years. The project has been endorsed by the local community and economic development organization the Quad Cities Chamber and the regional tourism board Visit Quad Cities.

“We are trying everything we can do to make the Quad Cities a prosperous regional economy – and that means we need to think differently about how we attract and retain residents and businesses,” said Paul Rumler, president of the Quad Cities Chamber.

Currently, the area sees 1.6m visitors per year, generating $954m in local spending. Visit Quad Cities estimates a new national park could quadruple that number in just the first year, with sales tax bringing a “huge boost” to local hotels and restaurants.

“We would like to be able to point to this and show that this is how we do business here – we are creative, we are innovative and willing to try new concepts, and we have the perseverance to pull it off,” Rumler said. “We all need a crazy idea to latch on to.”

[phantobats]

Going to try my hand at this with the three Batfamily members i love analyzing the most: Bruce, Dick, and Cassandra!

As a clarification, I will assign each of them one philosophical and political current that I think shines through their character the most, however, I am in no way implying that they are defined by only those philosophical/political currents. Characters, like humans, are complex and never adhere to one ideal, motive, or moral code. Enjoy!

1. Cassandra Cain - Existentialism and Pacifism

Existentialism

Cassandra Cain’s upbringing was one of extreme brutality. Raised by David Cain to be the ultimate assassin, Cassandra never learned to communicate through speech. Instead, her body language and combat skills were her first "language." Her early life was defined by violence and control, devoid of free will. The fact that she was trained from birth to be a killer, yet eventually rejects that path, places her at the heart of existential thought. Key existential philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre emphasize that humans are "condemned to be free"—they must create their own essence through choices and actions. Cassandra, through an act of rebellion against her father and her programming, embodies this very idea.

Her journey is marked by a struggle to define herself outside of the predetermined role of a killer. She doesn't start out with a clear sense of morality but develops it over time by making conscious choices. This mirrors existentialist themes of creating meaning in a seemingly indifferent or chaotic world. In choosing to protect life rather than take it, she affirms her existence and freedom. Her rejection of the violence she was raised to commit is not just a moral stance, but an existential one—she is constantly grappling with who she is and who she wants to be.

Pacifism

Cassandra's unique relationship with violence also sets her apart from many other members of the Batfamily. Despite her lethal training, Cassandra shows a strong reluctance to kill. Her deep understanding of physical combat gives her an awareness of the cost of violence—she literally "reads" it in others' body movements. Her pacifism is not simply a rejection of killing but a philosophical stance that values life at a profound level.

Cassandra's preference for non-lethal solutions and her struggles with guilt over the few times she has killed underscore her inner turmoil. She sees every fight as a last resort and attempts to avoid inflicting harm wherever possible, reflecting a pacifist ideology that is based more on personal ethics and emotional scars than on any abstract principle.

2. Bruce Wayne – Utilitarianism and Stoicism

Utilitarianism

At his core, Bruce Wayne’s mission as Batman is to reduce crime and suffering in Gotham. His personal philosophy can be framed in utilitarian terms, which suggests that the right action is the one that produces the greatest good for the greatest number. Batman operates with the mindset that if he can save even one life by preventing crime, all his sacrifices and pain are justified. He shoulders the burden of protecting Gotham alone because he believes he can achieve this goal, even if it requires immense personal suffering.

However, Bruce’s adherence to utilitarian principles has limits. His refusal to kill, particularly in cases like the Joker’s, highlights a tension between his utilitarian desire to save as many lives as possible and his personal moral code. This moral code—one that forbids killing—is non-negotiable, suggesting that Batman's utilitarianism is bounded by a strong deontological ethic (the belief that some actions are inherently right or wrong, regardless of their consequences). His decision not to kill shows that while he is a pragmatist, he is also an idealist who believes in certain inviolable rules.

Stoicism

Bruce Wayne is also deeply Stoic in his approach to life and justice. Stoicism, particularly as developed by philosophers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, emphasizes emotional self-control, endurance of pain, and acting in accordance with reason. Batman’s entire existence can be seen as a model of Stoic endurance—he has suffered immense personal loss (his parents' murder) but does not allow that pain to dictate his actions. Instead, he focuses on his duty to Gotham, suppressing his own desires and emotions in favor of rational action.

Bruce’s emotional restraint is both a strength and a weakness. It allows him to carry out his mission with unrelenting focus, but it also alienates him from those around him. He views his pain as something to be endured in silence and never lets himself be consumed by fear, rage, or grief—emotions that could cloud his judgment or compromise his mission. This detachment and self-discipline are classic Stoic traits, and they manifest in his lone-wolf approach to crime-fighting. He believes in controlling what he can (his actions) and accepting what he cannot (the existence of evil).

3. Dick Grayson – Humanism and Democratic Ideals

Humanism

Unlike Bruce, who embodies cold calculation and emotional restraint, Dick Grayson is more aligned with humanism, a worldview that places importance on human dignity, empathy, and the potential for growth. Raised by Batman after the murder of his own parents, Dick was shaped by Bruce’s sense of justice but developed a more optimistic and emotionally connected approach. He believes in people, in their capacity to change and be better, and in the importance of relationships in achieving a just society.

Humanism in Dick’s case means not only that he values others but also that he seeks to empower them. As the leader of teams like the Teen Titans and later the Outsiders, he constantly seeks to uplift those around him. His ability to trust others and work collaboratively contrasts sharply with Bruce’s isolationism. Where Batman sees himself as the sole protector of Gotham, Nightwing believes in collective action and the potential of shared responsibility, a hallmark of humanist thought.

Democratic Ideals

Dick Grayson's leadership is often marked by a belief in democratic principles—he emphasizes teamwork, consensus, and equality. While Bruce operates as a solitary authority figure, making decisions unilaterally, Dick believes in including others in the decision-making process. This reflects a democratic ethos, where power and responsibility are shared rather than concentrated in the hands of one person.

His leadership of the Titans is an excellent example of this democratic style. Unlike Batman’s paternalistic approach, Nightwing’s leadership is more about building consensus and encouraging his team to reach their full potential. He doesn't just dictate orders but seeks input from his peers, recognizing that they all have valuable contributions to make. This stands in contrast to Bruce’s often authoritarian control over his operations, even though both have the same goal of fighting crime.

if you're a batman fan and a philosophy enthusiast, i have a question for you: what philosophical or political currents can be said that various members of the batfamily follow?

share your thoughts in reblogs, i'd love to hear them :)

[doc-pickles]

not this time around

Fun Fact: This song, as sad as it is, is one of my favorite Taylor songs. I went back and forth on whether I wanted to use this song but at the end of the day I really really did. And it hurt.

So yeah… this is sad, probably the saddest piece I wrote this week and possibly will ever write for Jolex. I had been putting off watching 16x16 (I knew what happened, I had read Alex’s letter) because I just couldn’t do it. But I did it and GOD it hurt me in ways I didn’t anticipate. Not just Jo’s hurt, but everyone’s. And the flashbacks… god it was awful.

But I knew i needed to watch it and I wrote this immediately after watching it. So this fic is written from my agony over Jo and Alex’s story coming to a definitive end. Without further ado, Jo’s thoughts during ‘Leave a Light On’ and my take on her processing Alex’s departure. 

-

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

The heaviness that had lingered in Jo for weeks on end hit an all time low when Link handed her the letter. It was an inevitability at this point, something Jo had simultaneously prayed for and hoped would never come. She brushed off the feeling and mentally prepared herself for the harsh reality of whatever her husband had gotten himself into during the few weeks he had been away from her. 

Dear Jo… 

Breath catching in her throat, Jo read through Alex’s letter with a streak of fear and horror coursing through her. The more she read, the worse the feeling got. The heaviness she had been feeling for so long was now replaced by the sensation of a lion sitting on her chest, unrelenting to her cries for help or relief, unmoving as she read line after line. And then, all of a sudden, the breath she had been holding back broke forward with a sob, her chest constricting tightly.

What's also true is I'm in love with Izzie.

The words that Alex had so simply written on the lined piece of paper reached forward and grabbed Jo, holding her heart hostage as she replayed through every conversation, every word in passing over the past eight years where Alex had assured her time and time again that he had no feelings whatsoever for his ex wife. I picture her as happy as I am with you. Jo’s eye scanned the paper, devouring each line as if the words weren’t ripping her insides to shreds. She didn’t want to believe them, didn’t want to picture Alex somewhere in Kansas with Izzie living out the years they didn’t get to spend together.

But Izzie had my kids. And I know you get what that really means.

Jo read the line once, twice, four times before the words had registered fully and she let the letter drop from her shaking hands. The fear that she had been hoping wasn’t real for years on end was in ink before her, the words screaming at her that she was right. Biting back the urge to vomit, Jo placed her head in her hands as she let tears stream freely down her face. She didn’t need to read the rest of the letter, not really. Because in any universe that included the possibility of Alex having children out there in the world, he would choose them over anything and everything that might stop him. 

I wish getting everything I always wanted didn't have to hurt you in the process.

The nagging insecurity Jo had pushed back for so long came rushing back into her chest full force, almost knocking the breath out of her lungs. Why wasn’t she good enough? Not good enough for her mom, not good enough for Paul… And now she would never be good enough for Alex either. She hadn’t given him children, she hadn’t given him the family that he craved. Maybe that’s why he ran to Meredith so often, to catch fleeting moments of the feeling that he was a part of something bigger than him, bigger than them. Jo couldn't hold a candle to Izzie, to a farmhouse with muffins cooling on the windowsill, with kids running towards Alex and screaming ‘Daddy!’ as he reached his arms out to catch them.

Oh, you deserve everything good in this life, Jo. I hope you find so much better than me.

Jo tried to read the words in front of her, but she couldn’t anymore. Her tears had blocked her vision out, the words appearing blurry as she held back one sob after another until they all broke through and she was embarrassingly sobbing in the resident’s lounge. How on earth did Alex think that there was anyone better for her than him? After the hurt and pain she had walked in this lifetime, Jo knew that the best thing in the world for her was the man who laid in her bed every night whispering promises to her and kissing her so fiercely that every kiss felt like the first one. He didn't sleep in her bed anymore though, he never would again.

Jo would never again hold him like she had so many nights, she would never feel the touch of his hand against hers as they passed in the hallways. Never again would Jo be able to relish in the way Alex’s body fit together with hers so well as they made love, she wouldn’t get to laugh at his corny jokes or make fun of him when he cried at rom coms with her. 

Because Alex was gone.

A shaking breath escaped Jo, her hand clutching her heart as she took one deep breath. While it was true that she had been to hell and back and Alex had helped save her from that, Jo also knew that now it was her turn to save herself. The pain and agony of losing the person who meant the most to her in the world would not tear her to the ground. She had worked too hard to let herself fall now. She would hold her head high and she would move forward with grace.

Because Alex had left.

Alex had left, he wasn’t dead and he hadn’t been forced out of her life. He had chosen to leave Seattle, leave Jo, leave Meredith and the beautiful life and career he had fought tooth and nail for. And for that one distinction, for the fact that Alex had chosen a path that didn’t include her, she wouldn’t spend anymore tears on him because he wasn’t worth it. Because after they had built a life together, chosen each other more times than she could count, he had walked out.

And it wasn’t the fact that he had left her for his kids, she understood that more than anyone just as he had assumed. It was the cowardice and the pain he had inflicted on her by choosing to write a fucking letter instead of coming home and saying goodbye like a normal human being. They could’ve talked, could’ve worked their issues out. They could’ve stayed together and worked on building this new life...

But Alex didn't want that, he wanted Izzie and his kids. He wanted what Jo didn’t give him. So Jo would say goodbye silently, she would stand tall and proud and not drive to Kansas to try and drive him back to be with her like she so desperately wanted to. 

She would let Alex Karev go, even if it killed her.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to end this. I don't want to. Goodbye.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Does Chris have any scars? From before the Facility, or from when he was with Sir??

Oh, the Facility and Oliver were both very, very careful to leave absolutely no physical marks on him, since Oliver wasn’t interested in something ruined already, and preferred him pristine even after he started living at the governor’s mansion.

He does have a few - just your average stuff from being a reckless child. He has a scar on the inside of his middle finger from an attempt, at age four, to touch the ‘moving’ tires on a carnival ride (think something like this) where he discovered they did in fact move and Paul, who had taken him, discovered what it looks like to have your four year old go around a ride perfectly fine and then come around through the circle with his hand covered in blood staring at it, seemingly not aware of the pain or just impervious to it.

He also had some scars on his legs from falling off slides on the playground and out of trees. Just little things, nothing big. And a small scar along one wrist from breaking his arm pretty badly. 

CW: Head banging/self-inflicted head injury, plus discussion of incredibly fucked-up headspace during solitary confinement/isolation. This is a dark bit that I know about and have in my Chris’s Life Story list, but haven’t written and I’m not sure I could write it from his POV.

His hair covers it, but he also has a long scar  on the right side of his head from the worst head-banging incident he had while in the Facility, during his month spent in nearly total isolation, with only the slightest contact from his primary handler until he agreed to sign the contract to get out of there. 

At one point he had gotten so desperate for stimuli that he managed to hit his head hard enough to slice it open and bleed everywhere. He was found drawing on the floor and walls with his own blood when Luke Petrus came to give him his rations for dinner.

Luke managed to convince another handler and a nurse not to report the incident and wiped the tapes, and he was restrained at that point from them on in the center of the room where he couldn’t get to the walls and couldn’t hit himself on anything, not even the floor. 

Luke made it a point to visit slightly more often from then on to ensure it didn’t happen again, but maintains that that’s the only reason he lasted as long as he did, because he was getting more visits/more contact, even if only with a single other human being. Luke Petrus believes that 223499 was “manipulating” him by doing that. Because Luke Petrus is a piece of fucking human garbage. 

[mariamkhoury]

American Psycho (2000), directed by Mary Harron based on Bret Easton Ellis (1991)

“... there is an idea of Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my old gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are comparable: I am simply not there”

It took me ages to write this analysis, because I didn’t know if I should compare both pieces or just analyse them separately, fearing to be unfair to both. This stands as a warning; even thought I might compare elements of both pieces, I still think they are both to be read or watched as individual works. For me, the main difference between the film and the book is that where the book concentrates on the character, the film focuses on the context. 

Personally, I engaged with the book more than the movie, because it resonated with a very human aspect of myself. I believe it was the story of a highly anxious banker trying to find comfort in conformity, and beyond that, trying to win a game he doesn’t quite understand, until it drove him insane. The book is built on moments that repeat themselves endlessly: empty dinners filled with Wall Street’s game of who’s who, condescending conversations with secretaries, and gore interactions with homeless people. As these moments keep happening over and over again, I started feeling that claustrophobia, like a never-ending loop that directly echoed with my own feelings of anxiety. The combination of these moments creates a pattern in which every element represents a part of his anxiety that evolves to the point of driving him mad. 

“I am simply not there” - This quote, perhaps the most emblematic quote of both the book and the movie, appears on page 362. Bateman has this realisation right after his secretary, Jean, admits her feelings for him. For the last 361 pages, the reader has to suffer through getting to know a man who does not appear to have any empathy. Right when the reader starts accepting his psychopathic nature, he goes on this intense introspection, which is itself a confession of feelings. In contrast of Jean’s unabashed honesty, Patrick realises the lack of his own, and it bothers him. This part echoes another which confronts Patrick with his ex-girlfriend from his Harvard year. This is the first time throughout the whole book that the character has a genuine interaction, which makes his anxiety peak. Surely, it’s easy for him to reject his emotions and engage in his madness where everyone around him encourage him to. However, his anxiety is triggered when he’s faced with people who do voice their feelings, in a natural and almost shameless way, reminding him that his emptiness is unnatural and beyond that, unjustifiable. That confronts him with his deepest insecurity and his most essential truth: “Because I want to fit in.”

“I am simply not there” - The movie starts off with this quote, and this, I believe, is where lies the most essential difference between both pieces.  We’re introduced to a man who’s already confessed to his non-being and from that point on, we’re looking at this man through this view point. Instead of having a never-ending pattern, the film chose a few scenes, enough to show the audience the kind of world Patrick Bateman is living in. The book essentially explains this is this world, and this is what is going to drive this man mad, but the film explains this man has gone mad, and this is the world that drove him mad. That anxiety is also reflected in the film, at times. For instance, that ridiculous competition over the aesthetic of business cards which is essentially a dick contest in his world, where Bateman dramatically drops his colleague’s business card. I hold Christian Bale in very high regards and he was just the most brilliant actor for that movie (even thought all his co-stars thought he was a terrible actor and a poor choice for the movie) and for me, the absolute peak of the movie is the confession scene. There is something deeply intriguing about this scene; this is the moment where we realise Bateman’s humanity, with the tears streaming down his face like a pathetic 3 year old. It’s so pure, so direct, so pathetic, and so pathetically human. For me, this scene is notable because it reveals something about the art of film: instead of having pages after pages, slowly describing his downfall from human to animal, you just have a scene of Christian Bale, sitting on the floor and crying. It resonates to something so deeply ingrained within all of us. 

When you ask someone if they’ve seen/read American Psycho, the most common answer you’re going to get is: “the story about the guy that thinks he kills people but doesn’t really?”. This is really curious for me, because whether it be the book, or the film, most elements hint at the fact that it actually happened and whether he actually did murder those people is completely open to interpretation. The only real clue that indicates it was all a fantasy is Bateman’s lawyer telling him “I had lunch with Paul Allen last week”. An interesting theory I’ve heard was that the murders, in fact, were real and that the lawyer believes he had lunch with Paul Allen because even if it wasn’t Paul Allen, all Wall Street men are so similar that you can’t tell them apart. Harron included this scene and later on admitted that she tried to avoid as much as she could an obvious interpretation of the story. Considering this, the way that the film exposes Wall Street fits in perfectly with the story Harron wants to tell.  

“Each model of human behavior must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this—and I have countless times, in just about every act I’ve committed—and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing….”

[phroyd]

President Trump’s inaccurate assertion that he has “total” authority to reopen a nation shuttered by the coronavirus is igniting a fresh challenge from governors scrambling to manage their states and highlighting a Republican Party reluctant to defy a president who has relished pushing the boundaries of executive power.

The president’s claim, first conveyed in a tweet Monday morning and underscored at a White House news conference and subsequent social media posts, caught his aides off guard and prompted them to study whether Trump would have such authority in a time of emergency like the ongoing pandemic.

Republicans were largely tepid in their criticism of Trump’s expansive views on his power, which he has wielded throughout his presidency as he circumvented the legislative branch on matters of spending and subpoenas, while enjoying decisions in which he maintained universal authority such as issuing pardons. Trump has also issued a multitude of executive orders while relying heavily on myriad acting administration officials rather than subjecting them to the Senate confirmation process.

At a White House briefing late Tuesday, Trump offered conflicting statements about which entity had the authority to reopen, seeming to backtrack from his claim Monday but at the same time insisting the federal government would have the final say.

“The governors are responsible. They have to take charge,” said Trump, who added that some states want to reopen now and probably can before May 1, while others aren’t there yet. He said that if a state with many cases tries to reopen early, the federal government might step in.

“If we disagree with it, we’re not going to let it open,” he said, before adding, “We’re there to help. But we’re also there to be critics.”

Earlier in the day, Trump’s comments on reopening the nation were challenged by his presumptive Democratic rival this fall, former vice president Joe Biden, and also by prominent governors overseeing the public health crisis in their states such as New York Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo, who in his daily news conference Tuesday skewered at length Trump’s position as wildly off-base from the Constitution.

Cuomo said the president’s claim of total authority is “not an accurate statement,” because the basic principle of federalism is enshrined in the Constitution, in which powers not given to the federal government remain with the states.

“The statement that he has total authority over the states and the nation cannot go uncorrected,” Cuomo said. “There are many things that you can debate in the Constitution because they’re ambiguous. This is not ambiguous.”

Later Tuesday in his own remarks, California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) was less pointed toward Trump but nonetheless unequivocal, tweeting: “When it comes to reopening, SCIENCE — not politics — must be California’s guide.” Newsom outlined six factors he will consider in doing so, including protecting communities from the spread of the virus and ensuring that hospitals could handle any surge in cases.

The fresh power struggle between the federal government and state officials came as the toll of the pandemic continued to grow, with more than 25,000 people dead from the virus in the United States and more than 600,000 confirmed to be infected.

The International Monetary Fund said Tuesday that the pandemic is causing the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression of the 1930s. It is also inflicting acute pain in the medical sector, which continues to struggle with supplies and personnel becoming sick, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention saying Tuesday that 9,000 health care workers have tested positive.

In another assertion of authority, Trump said he would halt funding to World Health Organization while a review was conducted. He has criticized the organization for its slow response in the early days of the outbreak, but by Jan. 30, the organization declared a global health emergency, after which the president continued to play down the outbreak and compared it with seasonal flu.

Governors also began outlining their strategy for reopening their states in the coming weeks and months, while a consortium of seven East Coast states continued a plan to explore how and when to lift restrictions in their geographically aligned states.

Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) was among the state leaders who made clear Tuesday that the facts on the ground must dictate when the current restrictions can begin to ease.

“This monster is still going to be with us at least until we get a vaccine,” DeWine, who has said his state has had a good working relationship with federal officials so far, said at a Tuesday news conference. “It’s not going away, and that’s the sad news. . . . We are 12-18 months away from this going away. We’re going to have to live with it..”

Two White House officials said there was no broader planning for Trump’s comments that he had “total” authority and that they were both surprised by his tweets to that effect Monday. There was no legal underpinning for the remarks in advance, said the officials, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to talk frankly, and “it is widely viewed with skepticism in the building that we should be doing this.

The White House Counsel’s Office is studying what authority the president actually does have during a national emergency, according to the officials. But the operating plan in the White House is not to try to force any state to reopen, although one senior White House official said they had been in contact with some states — such as Texas, Mississippi and Tennessee — about reopening sooner rather than later.

“I am almost positive James Madison fell off a cloud somewhere today when Trump said that,” said Dan Eberhart, a Republican donor. “The founders of the republic stitched together a complicated game of chess to ensure our president was a very weak king who could be simultaneously slowed down by the legislature, judiciary and federalism. His authority is far from total.”

Another prominent GOP donor, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss private deliberations, said there was an effort “to talk him into a better place.”

One official said Trump is frustrated that the governors are getting so much credit and no blame while he gets all the blame and none of the credit. He particularly complains about Cuomo, this official said.

“Cuomo’s been calling daily, even hourly, begging for everything, most of which should have been the state’s responsibility, such as new hospitals, beds, ventilators, etc.,” Trump tweeted earlier Tuesday. “I got it all done for him, and everyone else, and now he seems to want Independence! That won’t happen!”

Trump has said repeatedly that the federal government is merely a backup to the states and that the onus is on the governors to deal with the pandemic.

Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) said in a recent interview that “at the end of the day, it will be the governors that make these decisions.”

Combative in public, Trump administration and congressional leaders negotiate behind the scenes on coronavirus relief

One Republican ally close to the president said Trump did not initially want to be associated with decisions to close down the government because “closing is bad news, and opening is good news.” And he spoke with governors such as Florida’s Ron DeSantis (R) who were skeptical, said this person, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe private conversations.

Trump was happy to accept the argument from some advisers that he should invoke federalism, and the president repeatedly emphasized states’ rights when questioned by reporters in recent weeks why he was not instituting a national stay-at-home order. But he sees a political triumph in reopening the economy and wants credit for it, this person said.

In a tweet Monday, Biden said that he is “not running for office to be King of America.”

“I respect the Constitution,” Biden said. “I’ve read the Constitution. I’ve sworn an oath to it many times. I respect the great job so many of this country’s governors — Democratic and Republican — are doing under these horrific circumstances.”

Within the GOP, Trump’s biggest challenge to his exertion of executive power came last year, when a dozen GOP senators voted to reject an emergency declaration the president issued to take taxpayer dollars from the military and other accounts for a border wall that Congress had denied.

Of that dozen, two — Sens. Rand Paul (Ky.) and Marco Rubio (Fla.) — issued comments Tuesday, both stressing that states should retain the power to regulate their own activities. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) said in a statement: “I respect the authorities of the office of the presidency. I also recognize that it will take all of us — elected leaders and citizens — to effectively stop the spread of this virus.”

A spokeswoman for Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) pointed to his remarks from a Fox Business interview earlier Tuesday in which he said the matter was not just up to elected officials “deciding when it’s time and coming up with some arbitrary deadline,” but the science and whether people feel safe leaving their homes.

Aides to two others — Utah Sens. Mitt Romney and Mike Lee — said the senators would have no response. None of the other six responded to requests for comment. They were Sens. Lamar Alexander (Tenn.), Roy Blunt (Mo.), Susan Collins (Maine), Jerry Moran (Kan.), Patrick J. Toomey (Pa.) and Roger Wicker (Miss.).

At least two other prominent elected GOP lawmakers, past and present — Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo.), the third-ranking leader among House Republicans, and Republican-turned independent Rep. Justin Amash (Mich.) — challenged Trump’s notion.

Cheney, whose father, Richard B. Cheney, had pushed for broad executive authority as vice president in George W. Bush’s administration, cited the text of the 10th Amendment in a tweet: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”

But other GOP lawmakers questioned about Trump’s bold claim, an assertion refuted by constitutional experts, were reluctant to challenge the president.

Rep. Steve Scalise (R-La.), the No. 2 House Republican, argued in a Fox News interview Tuesday that states had largely taken their cue from Trump and the federal government over the past two months, particularly when it comes to social distancing guidelines.

“When the president said that, you saw almost every governor in the country take that cue and say, ‘Okay, we’re going to institute a new set of policies,’ ” Scalise said. “And so, while the president hasn’t said every state has to do this, he’s been setting the guidance using the experts from CDC and other agencies, and then you see states following suit.”

A spokesman for Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan (R) on Tuesday declined to comment beyond the governor’s remarks to CNN on Monday in which he said governors were best positioned to make the ultimate decision on when their states can safely resume everyday activities.

“It’s not my understanding of the Constitution,” Hogan said in the CNN interview of Trump’s interpretation of his own powers.

Devlin Barrett, Ovetta Wiggins, Felicia Sonmez, Mike DeBonis, Samantha Pell and Brittany Shammas contributed to this report.

Phroyd

[sunsetsover]

i’d love to read one of your posts about ben’s actions tonight? like, we all understand /why/ but you have such a lovely way with words and i like pain. thanks 🥺

thank you, you’re so sweet!! usually i like to answer asks in order but imma let u skip the queue just this once bc this one’s time sensitive and ur so nice 🥺

so……. where do i even begin w this……..

the thing is ben has such horrible self esteem issues and a lot of ppl (both characters on the show and ppl in the audience) don’t realize that bc he comes across as very confident and bold and unfazed by anything, but the thing is….. that’s a front…….. he is not confident, he is not bold (not when it really matters) and he’s affected by pretty much everything. like massively so. what other people think of him - particularly people he cares about - affects not only how he sees himself, but also how he behaves. he seems to almost want to be a self fulfilling prophecy - remember how everyone thought it was ben who hit phil over the head, so ben was like ‘well seeing as though everyone thinks i tried to kill him, i might as well actually do it’?? yeah. he’s very susceptible to allowing other people’s opinions on him dictate his opinions of himself, as well as the course of action he ends up taking.

so it’s very easy to see how that lead to what happened with callum and their date. ian making a comment about it? well ben gives back as good as he gets, and this is ian we’re talking about, who is as obtuse as they come. but you see as ben leaves the beale’s that despite seeming unbothered by it, that comment actually got to him. it got him thinking: what if ian was right? what if he has a point? literally ben was already doubting himself after a snide comment from ian, that’s how affected he is by other people’s opinions (and also that’s how much he cares about callum!). and then you’ve got jay piling on top of that, and ok maybe his comments were innocuous and maybe he had a point, but with what ian had already said? the doubts really start taking hold. like maybe ian isn’t just full of shit, not if jay’s thinking the same thing - jay, who probably knows ben better than anyone. so maybe he and callum aren’t right for each other. maybe they won’t work.

and then you’ve got stuart who just puts the giant fucking nail in the coffin. he sets the disaster snowball rolling down the hill. and he does it in a really clever, manipulative way too (it’s a similar type of manipulation we see ben use on callum when he sold him that van!): he disarmed ben with an apology and with this newfound openmindedness, offers ben an olive branch by saying ‘i care about callum and i think you do too’ - essentially lowering ben’s guard - and then goes in with the ‘bad things happen around you so you need to stay away from callum because i don’t want happened to paul to happen to him’. and that undoubtedly completely fucks ben up - we didn’t even really need ian and jay putting doubts in his head before that tbh, i think what stuart said would have been enough to screw ben up on it’s own. and you know, i think even with ian and jay’s comments, if stuart hadn’t said what he said they might’ve been alright. ben might be a little bit off, but it probably would have been recoverable. but as soon as paul was mentioned - as soon as what happened to paul was mentioned - it was all bets off the table. we’ve seen how much paul’s death still affects ben, how much he still blames himself. so to have stuart basically insinuate that yeah, what happened to paul was somehow because of ben and that the same thing might happen to callum - someone that ben obviously really cares about - again because of ben? it was game over. stuart softened him up then went right for ben’s rawest spot. like how the fuck was he supposed to recover from that in a matter of hours?

and yeah, he probably should have done the decent thing and just cancelled. but that’s not how ben’s brain works. ee have already established that doing this exact thing is a pattern of behaviour for ben - he broke up w the guy he was seeing (that he was into!) in newcastle for the exact same reason he purposely sabotaged his date with callum: because he ‘had to, because if anything had got, like, serious, then [ben] would have ruined his life’. those are ben’s exactwords. now who does that sound like? what kind of paranoia is that kind of thinking feeding into? this is what ben thinks about himself. this is what ben worries he’s going to do to the men in his life. like this is what ben does!!! which is why it really surprised me that some ppl thought his behaviour yesterday was OOC. it seems to me that if anything this behaviour is perfectly in line with both his character and his previous actions. and to be perfectly honest, i think if ben hadn’t tried to deliberately fuck it up now, then he probably would have eventually. at least if he’s doing this right at the very beginning the two of them have a chance of working through it.

so why didn’t ben just cancel? well callum would’ve wanted an explanation. and what could ben have said, when he had been so up for it until then? ‘sorry, a few people have talked some sense into me and i realized i like you too much to ruin your life’? that wouldn’t have worked. ‘i changed my mind’? callum’s gonna ask why. ‘something came up’? callum might ask for another date. and ben clearly likes callum quite a bit, and he knows as well as we do that if callum had asked him out again, he probably wouldn’t have been able to say no. so he thinks: i have to break this until there’s no chance of recovery. i need to destroy any chance there is for us, get rid of any interest callum has in me. i need to make him angry at me, because then he’ll stay away from me. i need to make him hate me, because if he hates me at least he won’t be hurting. and if i do have to hurt him, it’s better to hurt him now rather than further down the line when it will hurt him ten times more. it’s flawed thinking, obviously, but ben’s a flawed man with a lot of issues and no self esteem who thinks that a) he doesn’t deserve someone like callum and b) that he’ll only end up hurting him, or that callum will end up hurt because of him. so in his own fucked up way, he was really trying to protect callum - from ben himself, and whatever pain ben’ll inevitably (as far as he’s concerned) end up inflicting on him. (and don’t forget paul and what happened to him was now at the forefront of his mind too, so i’m sure that only made him even more determined to make sure he gets callum as far away from him as possible.)

so what does he do? he completely fucking destroys this date. invites other people along, pays callum no attention, makes 0 effort, literally cops off with someone else in plain view and then makes it clear he’s not bothered what callum thinks about it (although it backfired a little bit bc callum’s such a sweetheart and also has no self esteem so he went the ‘no hard feelings’ route which must have infuriated ben bc like no!! he was supposed to kick off!! swear!!! call ben a bastard!!! anything but be so painfully understanding!!!!) and he does all of this to basically fuck their relationship up beyond repair. bc if he does that then callum will be able to move on and find someone else, someone kind and safe and normal who won’t hurt him or fuck it up.

and i know it won’t make sense to some people, but he did all of it with the best intentions. with callum’s feelings in mind, not ben’s own - in fact, ben’s feelings and what he wants are practically redundant in this situation bc he’s so set on doing what he thinks is the best thing for callum. what ben wants and feels about it doesn’t matter.

and he manages to do a pretty good job of ignoring his feelings up until the very end, when he’s essentially alone. then - and only then - do we get to see how fucking upset ben is about the whole thing. like he’s sitting there drinking by himself trying not to cry! he’s fucking heartbroken! because his actions during the date, that wasn’t him wanting to be cruel or vindictive or hurt callum. that was him trying to protect callum (and i know, i know not everyone will understand or agree with that but i promise you that’s exactly what he was trying to do). his own happiness, his own feelings, they don’t matter. he’s fucking devastated, but it doesn’t matter. callum is safe now. he’ll be alright, and as long as callum’s alright, nothing else matters.

and the most telling part of it all? the fact that ben didn’t go home w that guy he’d been kissing earlier. he could have. he so easily could have - the guy was into him, he was up for it, and we know ben’s not opposed to random hook ups. but he didn’t. he wasn’t at all interested. why? because he wanted callum. he caresabout callum. he was just using that guy to make his point - that ben is bad and callum shouldn’t be interested in him bc because he can do better. he had 0 interest in that guy and the minute everyone was gone and no one was around to witness it, ben made that very clear - he didn’t even want fuck him as a rebound or to prove he doesn’t care about callum or whatever. he couldn’t even pretend.

like ben just really cares about callum and that’s exactly why he did what he did - because he thinks that it was the best and kindest thing to do.

idk i just hope that this helps give people a little bit of perspective on why ben did what he did bc i feel like some ppl were kind of unfairly harsh on him. the way he behaved was not at all fair on callum, and i don’t condone what he did, but as someone who has been there myself (not literally the same situation, but the same ‘i need to scare them off now so i don’t hurt them in the long run’ way of thinking) i can confidently say that it was from a place of good intentions. completely twisted and fucked up and unfair, yes, but his heart was (mostly) in the right place.

but yeah lmao i’m glad you like my way with words bc you just got a lot of them!!! and perhaps a lot of pain too lmao 💕💕

[thedyingmoon]

💚 See Me Now 💚

***

XVII. Heartbreak

***

Levi rubbed the spot on his right arm where Hange's needle had been. He had another appointment with the mad scientist, and he just had his blood sample taken. Hange also conducted another round of tests with him. They were trivial things such as weightlifting and exercise. Easy tasks, yes, and yet, it was even harder for him than ever before.

There were only five days left before the Expedition.

And Hange hadn't produced the antidote, yet.

Hange took away her medicinal kit and hid it inside her drawer without saying a word. Levi looked at her intently, seriously wanting to inflict harm on her for her uncharacteristic silence for the past week. Couldn't she make the antidote? Had she discovered a way to cure him in another way? If not, why was she being silent about it? Was it because she doesn't want to tell him that he could no longer be healed?

"Hange, the antidote?"

No answer.

He clicked his tongue and stood, but not without saying something to her, first.

"About the favor I asked of you the other day, have you searched it?"

Hange looked up from the papers she started reading. "Yes."

Finally, an affirmative,...

She opened her drawer and produced a folder from it. She gave it to him and said, "Pauls, Rodrick, age 28, was apparently a part of the 57th Expedition. He belonged to the Elite Squad that was stationed on the right flank of the formation. He was, unfortunately, one of the Soldiers who perished from the Female Titan's assault. As you can see in those files, there's nothing particularly special about him, save for the information on his family background and his meager income. Why do you want to know about him, by the way?"

"No reason. Just want to know who he was." he said. It was the truth. What he didn't tell her was his strong urge to murder this particular man, or at least mutilate his organs.

Such a pity that he's already dead,...

Levi left her office and went back to his own, the folder containing Rodrick Pauls' files on his hand and Petra's diary in his breast pocket. He opened the door to his office and stepped in. He closed it and sat on the sofa.

He seriously wanted to murder someone,...

(F/N) was currently training with the others. It's better that way, since he didn't need another reminder of what he just read on Petra's diary.

Levi smiled in a very sinister way. He was definitely an idiot for being cheated on like that.

For being deceived by someone he truly loved.

And apparently, he wasn't the only one. He knew that (F/N) admired her dear sister and best friend. Too bad, she doesn't think of her the same way she does. They're both idiots,...

... and they're both blindly devoted to the same deceiver.

"FUCK!"

Levi took the diary from his pocket and threw it forcefully away across the room. It landed near his desk, and to add insult to his injury, it opened on the page which revealed Petra's unbelievable infidelity towards him.

Another barrage of curses escaped from his lips as he ripped Rodrick's files into pieces. He ripped and ripped until there were only little pieces of the papers left. He threw them on the floor and stepped angrily on them.

He closed his eyes and grabbed a fistful of his hair with both hands, wanting to tear them from his scalp.

"Such a fucking,... idiot!" he said more to himself.

How could he not be?

He let himself fall head over heels for a girl who's not worthy to be loved in the first place.

A girl,... he still loved,...

... despite the heartbreak she inflicted on him through her diary.

******

(F/N) ran nervously towards Levi's office. She was in her casual clothes and she was not even carrying the documents that Erwin gave her after the training.

Ah, yes, speaking of Erwin, she just had a very important conversation with him regarding her future in the Legion. He ordered, no, more like warned, her to keep it confidential. That it would remain just between the two of them.

And it took them long enough. It was now past seven in the evening.

The girl gulped in fear.

Has he eaten, yet? How did his test with Hange go? Is he okay?

Lots of questions regarding Levi's well - being ran through her head. He hated tardiness. What will happen to her, then?

She stopped right in front of his door, straightened her shirt, brushed a few crumbs of bread she just ate off her pants, and exhaled.

Relax, she thought. You've been through this, nothing could possibly hurt you more than that slap he gave you a month ago. And, he's still weak. He couldn't hurt you. Okay, I'm stalling. Relax, (F/N),...

She knocked on the door, expecting a shout of anger from the cold Captain.

"Come in." the man inside simply said.

What - ?

The girl opened the door, and what greeted her inside really freaked her out. 

Levi was sitting on his chair behind the desk. He was strangely staring at her, his facial expressions fairly unreadable. But, what freaked her out the most was the room's unsettling aura. There was a single lit candle on the small table near the sofa, and it was the only thing that enabled her to see around her.

And what she saw around her didn't please her, at all. In fact, it vastly frightened her.

There were multiple tiny pieces of paper scattered all over the floor. The small flower vase, which formerly stood on top of the table, was on the floor, also scattered into pieces. The walls were splattered with dark ink. Some of the documents they worked hard on were scattered all over the room. The window was even broken.

Her eyes wandered all over the room in dread, and when she looked back at the Captain, she fought the urge to step back, for he was still staring intently at her. She finally noticed that his eyes were awfully blood shot, like he stayed up for two to three nights.

What the hell did just happen here? What happened to him?

(F/N) began carefully picking up the fragments of the broken vase when she heard the Captain clearing his throat. She looked up and immediately saw him looking down on her. And he was now standing very close to her.

"(L/N)," he said, his voice sounding very hoarse. "I want something to drink."

"O-of course, sir. Right away."

The girl stood up and quickly ran to the kitchen to get Levi a cup of tea. When she got back, she saw him back on his chair, still creepily staring at her.

Seriously, it's scaring the hell out of her.

What is wrong with him?!

(F/N) placed the cup on his desk. "Here you go, sir."

The girl was about to start cleaning again, when Levi suddenly and painfully grabbed her arm.

Oh, no, is he drunk again?!

"You're not going anywhere." he whispered in a very sinister tone. "Stand right here."

"Yes, sir." she answered, unable to argue in fear of the man.

She stood there on the right side of his desk until Levi finished the black tea. And when he placed the cup back to its saucer, he finally spoke to her.

"I will ask you some questions, and I want you to answer them truthfully." he said to her. "Are we clear?"

"Yes, sir." she answered nervously.

Levi closed his eyes and placed his left hand on top of a very familiar - looking book which was on the table. She was certain she saw that book before,...

"(L/N), did Petra love me?"

The girl began sweating nervously. "Yes, sir." Of course, she did.

"What made you so certain about that?"

(F/N) bit her lip, her eyebrows furrowed. All of a sudden, all the pain of her jealousy came back to hurt her chest in that indescribable manner again. She chased away the painful thoughts and firmly reminded herself that she had no right to be jealous of Petra. They both loved each other, and no one could stand between their perfect relationship, not even after death.

(F/N) felt that she'll be shattering her own heart if she answer Levi, but she must do it for the sake of the happiness of the man she still loved despite everything.

"Well?" Levi asked, growing impatient.

"Petra loved you, Captain. So much, that she risked her life joining the Legion. She wants to be with you and stand on the same ground as you. She trained and worked hard just to reach you. She,... admired and adored you, sir. Until now, even in Heaven, I'm sure she still does."

(F/N) suppressed her tears, along with the words she really wanted to tell him,...

I love you, Captain Levi. So much, that I still joined the military despite everyone's criticisms. I know I can't be with you, but I really want to be able to stand on the same ground as you. I wanted to thank you with all my heart for saving me that day, and I will do anything to make you strong again. Even after Petra's death, I still want you to remember how much she loves you. Even if I know that it will hurt me so much. I'll still say it, because I love you, and I want you to be happy.

(F/N) closed her eyes, afraid of letting her tears fall. And when she opened them again, she saw the Captain smiling down on the book he was touching.

And then, he just,... frowned.

"You,... FUCKING LIAR!" Levi quickly took the cup and threw it on (F/N)'s forehead. The girl collapsed on the floor, covering her head in blinding pain. The shattered porcelain cup was lying on the floor just beside the girl. "I WANT YOU TO DISAPPEAR! LEAVE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE EVER AGAIN!"

At that moment, Levi suddenly felt something break inside him. It was as if he felt he just lost something extremely valuable to him. He looked at the fragile form of the girl who was still sitting on the floor, covering her head and unable to look up at him.

He opened his mouth, sincerely wanting to apologize for his behavior, but he couldn't. And he didn't know why.

A lump suddenly grew in his throat as he saw the girl's shoulders rose and fell slowly as if to suppress her emotions and pain. He was expecting her to cry in front of him or punch him in anger. She did not. Instead, she began speaking to him in her cracked and hoarse voice.

"I did not lie to you, Captain." she said. "What I told you was real. Petra loved you. If you do not really believe me, it's fine. I know you still think of me as trash. That's okay. I'll,... leave you, Captain. As you wish,..."

Levi stood up from his chair, at the same time (F/N) stood up from the floor. He tried to stop her, but he was too late. She dashed away from him and quickly went out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

He collapsed back on his chair, his mouth gaping open. He was unable to think of anything, except for that moment when she said those words to him.

She can't really leave me like that, can she? She loves me, right?

He glanced at the shattered pieces of his cup on the floor, which happened to be his favorite one. It was not the only things he saw.

He saw blood.

(F/N)'s blood,...

******

(F/N) was running away from his office as far away as she could. She finally let her tears fall down her eyes. It was mixed with her own blood. She covered her mouth to stop herself from making any noise. She ran aimlessly, unable to process in her thoughts the meaning behind the Captain's sudden violent reaction to what she said.

It's true! Petra loved you! I,... loved you!

The poor girl suddenly became dizzy and tripped. She fell on the ground, and her landing only made her wound even more painful. She didn't bother to get up. Instead, she let her emotions get the better of her, the cold stone floor beneath her face getting wet with her tears and her own blood.

It was when she suddenly heard some voices not far away from her. It seemed to be coming from the room not far from where she was.

She dragged her body and stood, strangely attracted to those voices. She placed an ear on the surface of the wooden door, wanting to eavesdrop on the conversation. She heard them once more.

It was Erwin and Hange.

"He finally spoke." she heard Erwin say. "They did have the antidote. It was on their base on the abandoned Trost theatre."

"We must get it!" Hange said. "The Expedition! Humanity is relying on Levi."

"We can't just barge in there! They might be watching us from the moment they failed to kill Levi. We must think before we act, or else many lives will be taken!"

The abandoned Trost theatre?

If they get the antidote there, Levi will regain his strength.

No, there's no need for anyone else to get involved.

Only one life would be enough for a sacrifice,...

******

It was almost daybreak.

Levi was still sitting on his chair, unable to sleep with thoughts of (F/N) still running through his mind.

Why am I thinking of her like this? Why did I even do that to her? She clearly doesn't know anything about her deceitful sister.

He lazily took Petra's diary and opened it. He read those words again, of how she hated him and how she cheated on him. He clicked his tongue in annoyance and flipped the pages. After a few seconds of doing so, he found some words which caught his attention. He stopped flipping the pages and searched for the words he just caught sight of.

Right there, on the first few pages of the book, were those words,...

Fuck! Those useless goons! I even paid them a month's worth of my wages, and they didn't even get the job done! Their job was to fuck (F/N), and they went running at the sight of a single Scouting Legion Soldier! Useless! Useless, fucking bastards!

"What the fuck?!" Levi's eyes went wide in disbelief with what he just read. He turned to another page and found some more words. It felt like boiling water against his skin.

Stupid shit! I told her not to join! I even sweet - talked to her about being eaten by Titans and how father and I would feel if she even got one injury! I even told her I wouldn't want to lose her because of it and just persuaded her to just grow vegetables with father! The shit didn't budge! She still applied for the Trainee Corps! And for what? To repay Captain Levi for saving her skin? Foolish, fucking girl! Levi would never save her! Not that stupid, ugly piece of shit!

Now, let's see how she'll fare after I spread some false rumors of her fucking all the officers and Shadis to obtain a position as a Cadette in the Trainee Corps,...

Still unable to believe what he just read, Levi turned to the next page. What he read there sealed his final thoughts on the woman he once loved.

And the stupid girl was rumored to have the potential to be the top of her batch! She did nothing! She's not as talented as me! They even compared her to Scouting Legion elites. Impossible! That's it! I'm telling them more false rumors of her being a slut in the Underground before we found her! Now, I'm positive she'll never get to the top! I'll make her life miserable, even if I pay some kids to bully her or pay more men to fuck her!

Underground slut,...

No one, I mean, NO ONE,... is allowed to mock people like that. Even if it's just to spread a false rumor. NOT IN FRONT OF ME,...

Mother,...

The door suddenly burst open, and in came Nifa, panting and looking very much horrified.

"Captain Levi!" Nifa almost shrieked. She was holding a piece of crumpled paper in her hand which was slightly stained with spots of dark red liquid. Blood.

Levi felt his heart stop but not because of the sudden intrusion.

Nifa looked at him with eyes wide with worry.

"It's (F/N). She's gone!"

(F/N),... "What?"

******

~ @levi4mikasa , @yepps , @shewolfofficial , @unhappysap , @clovemcpandas , @fangurl-ontgeside , @super-peace-fangirl , @shortbty14 , and @emilyackerman78 . 💚

***

💚💚💚

***

[lawrenceop]

Homily for the 23rd Sunday after Pentecost

Readings and Chants online.

In today’s Mass, these lines from psalm 129, long associated with prayer for the dead, are heard twice: “From the depths I have cried to Thee, O Lord: Lord, hear my prayer.” For in this month of November, we earnestly pray for the dead, crying out to God for the holy souls in the depths of Purgatory, that they may be released from all worldly attachments and so enjoy the fullness of heavenly bliss. However, today’s Liturgy causes us to realise that we too, who are in this world, are all also dead in some sense. In the words of the Lenten antiphon much loved by St Thomas Aquinas, Media vita in morte sumus, in the midst of life we are in death. For our mortality, our weakness, our frail human condition always weighs upon us. 

When we become sick, when the body experiences pain, when we are confronted by death, we recall the depths of our human neediness and dependency on God, and, like the woman in today’s Gospel we cry out to him, the living God. But we are also dead, all of us, because we sit in the shadow of death, enchained to our sins. The wound of our sins, both self-inflicted, as well as through the harm that is done to us by others, becomes like a wound that will not heal. Like the woman of the Gospel who was haemorrhaging for twelve years, so too, many of struggle with sins that oppress us and rob us of the joy of life. Hence, out of depth of our sins, like prisoners bound by the chains of sin, we cry out. “From the depths I have cried to Thee, O Lord: Lord, hear my prayer.” 

So in the Collect of the Mass, the Church prays that we will be absolved of our sins – that is, what we have done – and delivered from the bondage of sin, that is to say, from the attraction of sin, and from our sinful habits. The prayer, therefore is not just a prayer for forgiveness but for a change of heart, for the grace that transforms our very desires and our ways of behaving. 

What this entails is suggested in the Epistle. For those who love their sins in fact glory in their shame – they not only have no remorse for their sins which offend God and the natural law, but they celebrate them with Pride even. Or they indulge every concupiscent desire, giving in easily to the pleasures of the flesh, obeying its every craving. Hence St Paul says: “their God is their belly.” We pray, therefore to be released from the bondage of sin through the power of the Cross. Every Mass, as we know, makes present the sacrifice of Christ on Calvary, and from the Cross flows endless graces, merits, and benefits to those who participate in the Mass with ready and wholesome dispositions. We come to Christ experiencing the lowliness of our mortal bodies, and with humble and contrite hearts. And the Communion chant reassures us that “whatsoever we ask for, when you pray, believe that you shall receive and it shall be done to you.” In other words, if we share the faith of the woman in the Gospel, who reached out in humility to Christ to touch him, then we shall indeed be released from our sins and saved. For we hear in the Gospel that the Lord has the power to raise the dead to life, and so he can do the even more marvellous work of justifying sinners, or raising us who are dead through sin to new life in him. God and God alone can convert our hearts, and lift us up to the wonderful life of grace in union with Christ. 

The Lord in fact does this and is doing this through the sacred Liturgy. In the Mass, we are lifted up into the prayer of the Son to the Father, and so we are formed in his disposition of loving obedience, and we make his words our own. As St Paul says somewhere, it is the Holy Spirit who prays within us, and he causes us to cry out, with Christ, “Abba, Father”. Therefore, when we pray the liturgy, it is the Holy Spirit within us, who, from the depths of our being, cries out to the Lord: “Lord, hear my prayer.” For the Holy Spirit, as St Paul says, “helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words.” (Rom 8:26) Therefore, when we do not know what to pray, when we are overwhelmed by life and its sorrows, when we feel far from God, we should nevertheless come to the Liturgy – go to Mass! – for here, in the sacred Liturgy, which is inspired by the Holy Spirit, we have the Holy Spirit interceding for us, putting the right words on our lips, and in our hearts, as it were. All that is required is a humble docility to the sacred action of the Liturgy. For here in the Liturgy, we touch something greater even than the hem of Christ’s garment. We touch Christ himself, or rather, it is he who reaches out to touch us, because it is he who is present and active in the Holy Mass. 

And so, from the depths, here in the Mass, we cry out to the Lord: Lord, hear my prayer. The liturgy responds to the humble prayer of the repentant sinner by sounding again several notes of hope, of joy, of confidence in God’s saving work in the Mass. Firstly in the Officium or entrance chant, the Lord promises: “you shall call upon Me, and I will hear you; and I will bring back your captivity from all places.” So, God promises to hear us and to save us from the bondage of sin and of death. This is the promise of the Risen Lord who has conquered the grave and shattered the gates of hell. And then, in the Gradual, we hear the song of the redeemed, of those who has been raised to new life by the grace of Christ: “Thou hast delivered us, O Lord… In God we will glory all the day, and in Thy name we will give praise for ever.” 

Only the Saints can sing like that, for only the Saints live for ever. So in the Liturgy we overhear this song of the Saints, as it were, and they are urging us onwards. In every Mass, as we know, the whole Church – the Church triumphant in heaven, and the Church militant on earth – participates. And so, from heaven, the Saints come to our aid, and they urge us, in St Paul’s words, to “stand fast in the Lord”; they direct us to imitate their example of humble faith; and they teach us to follow them in loving God and the things of heaven, above all, to love the Holy Eucharist. For although in this life we are in death, so it is that God, the Living God, has heard our cry. In mercy and love, therefore, he gives us Bread of Life that has come down from heaven. Christ gives us Himself; He, who is the Resurrection and the Life is planted in the depth of our being, as a pledge of immortality, as a foretaste of heavenly joys, as a promise of new life so that “even if [we] die, we shall live for ever” with him. For, as St Paul says, “our commonwealth [or our homeland] is in heaven, from whence also we looked for the Saviour, Our Lord Jesus Christ.”

So, today, together with the holy souls and also on their behalf, let us cry out from the depths to our loving Saviour: Lord, hear my prayer. 

[lifechurchgb]

The Book of James

I have been hearing a lot of great feedback about the series of messages we’re in on James.  It’s been an easy series to write because I’m just letting the scriptures speak for themselves.  It’s however not been an easy series to preach, because I’m letting the scriptures speak for themselves.  James is an incredibly practical book while simultaneously being an incredibly provocative book.  It’s challenging isn’t it?  I only have one regret when it comes to this series.  I wish I had more time to go through it.  Planning is really important to me so I try plan my preaching schedule well in advance.  I gave myself 7 weeks to journey through James – I wish I had given myself more.  With that thought in mind I am going to periodically jump over sections of the book on Sundays but I will supplement those times by writing an article or blog about the portions that have been passed over.  Today I want to come out of James 2:1-11 and talk to you about Judgment & Favoritism.  I pray that God will use these words to continue to challenge you from His Word.

Have you ever been judged?  Of course you have.  And, none of us like it.  No one likes being sized up.  No one likes being analyzed or criticized or categorized.  Yet, we do it every day.  We size people up.  We look at people and affix an endless number of labels to them.  We judge what people wear, what they drive, how they walk, the size of their waistline, how they wear their hair.  The list of examples could go on and on.  This is a serious problem in our culture, and it was during James culture as well.  So much that James takes this topic head on.  I want to look at what Pastor James has to say about judgment & favoritism as well as what his older brother Jesus had to say as well.  Let’s start with James.

Look at how Chapter 2:1-11 reads in the New Living Translation:

“1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others? 2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives? 5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear? 8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. 10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.”

I don’t think there’s anyone who would be reading this blog who hasn’t thought about judgment.  However, many of our thoughts on judgment have focused on the effect it has on others.  We’ve likely considered the lasting hurt our judgment has inflicted on others, but James has an interesting angle on this issue. James considers the effect judgment has on us – the actual source of the judgment.  He lets us in on an insight that I have never considered.  When I judge someone, it actually creates more pain on me than it does on the person I am judging.  Many times, when you judge someone they have no idea you’re judging them at all.  Judgment has a lot to do with assumptions.  We assume things we have no idea about.

Years ago I had an amazing kid in my youth ministry.  Even to this day there have been few people God has placed under my leadership who have more natural talent or potential.  He had a clear call on his life to serve God in full-time ministry.  He dove into serving in our youth services and on our service teams.  He acted in dramas and served as an intern to Sonny & I.  I was so excited to see him growing and striving to fulfill his potential.  I served at that church for a few years before I transitioned to another church to serve as their youth pastor.  When I left the church this young man was in he almost immediately took several steps backward.  Before long he wasn’t attending church at all.  It took a few years but I was finally able to connect with him and got to ask him why he wasn’t serving God anymore.  His answer caught me a bit off guard.  He told me point blank – “It’s because of you.”  I didn’t even know how to respond other than to ask him what I had to do with it.  I had mentored him.  I had spent countless hours pouring into him.  I loved him like a little brother. He went on to tell me that I had told him I was going to be at his church forever, but the minute an opportunity was presented for me to go work at a bigger church with a bigger youth ministry I broke my promise and walked away leaving him and his friends in the rear view mirror.  He felt like I was a fake and a hypocrite.  What my young friend did was make an assumption about my actions.  He judged my motives based upon my actions.  He had no idea what went into me making that decision from my end.  The truth was, I wanted to serve as the youth pastor at his home church my whole life, but unfortunately that decision was not left entirely up to me.  When my Senior Pastor retired after leading the church for 30 years, a younger Pastor from another state was brought in to lead the church and that Pastor had a team of his own that he wanted to lead with. I was given my notice to find another place of ministry.  In case you’re not catching my drift, I was fired.  I hadn’t communicated that fact to the students or the church because I wanted to protect their view of the new Pastor.  I didn’t want their view of him to be hindered by their love of & loyalty to me.  When I explained that to my young friend years later he understood, but it had cost him years of hurt and disappointment and unfortunately had changed the trajectory of his life.  The point is, by making an assumption about me and judging my actions, he hadn’t brought any hurt to me, he only brought hurt to himself.    

Dr. Jim Richards defines judgment as; “Assuming to know why someone did what they did or said what they said.” Knowing what happened is an observation; trying to figure out why it happened takes us into the realm of judgment.  We have to be able to separate facts from the presumed motive.  

What does Jesus say about Judgment & favoritism?

In Matthew 7:1-5 He says;

“1 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. 3 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

It’s so much easier for me to see your speck than it is for me to see my log.  It’s natural for me to see what’s wrong with you, while hoping you don’t see what’s wrong with me.  I want you to view me as perfect because I not only judge you, I also judge myself.  I want you to look at me like I’m perfect because of my own understanding of my deficiencies.  I make the assumption that, if you knew about me what I know about me, you may not want to know me at all.  I am judging myself right out of my own reality and our potential relationship.  If I can see what’s wrong with you maybe it’ll be a relief for what’s wrong with me.  Unfortunately, we don’t only judge others and judge ourselves, we also judge God.  We try to assume to know why He did what He did.  When something bad happens to us or someone we care for, we immediately begin to ask why He caused it, or in the very least why He allowed it to happen?  When we assume God’s motives we put ourselves into a position of judgment or authority over Him.  We fail to remember that God has but one motive.  God’s only motive is Love.  His only motive is good.  His ways are higher than ours, His view is higher than ours.  He sees the end from the beginning.  He understands the outcome when we don’t.  We simply can’t judge His motive when we don’t have all the facts.

So, a question arises; what do we need to do?  How do we stop?  How do we stop judging others, ourselves & our God?  I wanna give you:

4 Things To Combat Judgment In Our Lives

Here’s the first.  We need to…

Value People

Philippians 2:3 says;

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves”

The great theologian and Apostle of the Church Paul tells us that the act of valuing others requires the characteristic of humility.  Judgment is the complete opposite of humility.  As soon as we judge someone we elevate ourselves above them.  We become the authority on their actions.  We assume to know why they did what they did or said what they said.  We assume we know why they hurt us.  I hate to break it to you but that’s not humility.  It takes humility to value people.  Now, it doesn’t take a lot of humility to treat someone good if they have something to offer you.  But, when there’s nothing to gain from that person we tend to not value them.  

When I was attending college in Minneapolis, I met a guy named Red.  I met Red because he was a regular “customer” at the Walgreens by my apartment.  I put the word customer in quotes because there was a 50/50 chance that Red wasn’t going to be paying for the items he needed from the store.  Red was homeless and a seemingly hopeless addict.  He would use whatever resources he could to escape his current reality.  One of his primary sources of alternate reality was Lysol.  You read that right – Lysol – the air freshener.  Red would get the biggest can of Lysol he could from the store and spray it into a paper cup then drink it.  Apparently, not only does Lysol instantly remove 99% of germs, but it also immediately gets you 100% messed up.  It would have been easy for me to assume Red was just some loser base head, but even back then, before Jesus, I valued people.  Let me take a side note and say, we have to be careful who we devalue, because God values every single person.  God knows something about that person that you don’t know.  Every person is the way they are for a reason.  We may not know anything about that person but God does.  God knows every moment of their life.  For example, God knows that Red wasn’t always drinking Lysol on the streets of Minneapolis.  God knows that Red used to be police officer in Phoenix Arizona and was a member of the SWAT team.  God knows that one-day on a raid of a drug house Red was distracted by a sound for a split second.  He was distracted just long enough to take his focus off the partner whose back he was responsible to watch.  He was distracted just long enough for that partner to be shot in the head by one of the drug dealers inside the house.  Red turned around to watch his partner fall to the ground dead.  Red shot and killed the dealer who shot his partner then in a fog he walked out of the drug house.  He didn’t stop walking until he hit Minneapolis.  I don’t know why he picked Minneapolis, but in listening to his story, I can understand a little better why he wanted to escape reality.  So, while Red is pan handling for enough money to buy another can of Lysol, God knows the back-story and values him while you judge him.  My point is, the more we get to know about people, the more our grace goes up & our judgment goes down.  We go from zero to judgment so quick but 1 Samuel 16:7 says;

…people judge by outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could value more?

Here’s the second thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Accept People

Romans 15:7 says…

“Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.”

Acceptance is so simple, when you understand the outcome.  God will be glorified when we accept each other.  It is the model of Jesus.  Jesus clearly communicated that you don’t have to change anything about you.  That’s what Jesus does.  He accepts us as is.  We don’t have to change a thing to be accepted.  It’s throughout the New Testament.  Jesus accepted sinners.  He accepted a woman caught in the act of adultery and a man possessed by demons and the list goes on.  He accepted them because, from His eternal perspective, they had great worth.  Let me give you a picture of acceptance.

If I took a $100 bill and handed it to you, almost all of you would readily accept it.  Now keep in mind, you have no idea where that $100 bill has been, whose dirty hands have been on it, or what it’s been used for.  That $100 bill may have been a part of a drug deal or a hit on someone’s life or paid for pornography or prostitution.  We have no idea the evil or the good that $100 bill has been used for.  When I hand you the money, you don’t care in the least how dirty or wrinkled it is, you immediately think what you could do with that money, because no matter how wrinkled or dirty it is the value of that $100 Bill is still $100.  The $100 bill hasn’t lost one ounce of value since the day it rolled off the press.  It would probably never even cross you mind where that money has been or who that money has been with when you decide whether or not to accept the $100 bill.

The same is true of you.  Regardless of how wrinkled or dirty you are, regardless of the journey you’ve been on or the current location in which you find yourself, none of that determines whether or not Jesus will accept you.  Today Jesus will accept you and assigns the same value to you as He did the day you were born.  Do you live by the same virtue?  Do you accept people in their current tattered condition as to be glory to the God who accepted you in your most tattered condition?  

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the third thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Forgive People

This is the most difficult, but if we don’t forgive, we will stay locked in a box of judgment.  We will never get free if we don’t forgive.  In the Gospels, Jesus’ disciples ask Him to teach them how to pray.  Jesus responds by reciting a prayer that is now famously referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer.”  Look at how it reads in Matthew 6:9-13…

9 “This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ’

If you’ve been a Jesus Person for very long, you probably know that prayer, and may even be able to recite it from heart.   But, check out what Jesus says next.  In the verse right after “The Lord’s Prayer” Jesus says this…

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Not only is it important to forgive, but according to Jesus it is necessary.  Jesus says that because He knows that forgiving others is a matter of the heart.  If you can’t forgive others, you ultimately can’t forgive yourself.  If you can’t forgive yourself, you can never see yourself through the lens of Jesus.  You are not who you think you are.  You are more than you will ever see yourself to be, but you have to forgive yourself, and for that debt to be forgiven, you must first forgive your debtor.  You have to forgive those who have hurt you, abused you, disrespected and dishonored you.  We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender power, but in truth, when we forgive we’re taking the power back.  That person no longer has the power to minimize your life or hold you hostage by their actions.  We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender our trust back, but we’re not.  We’re actually taking our trust from them and putting it in God.  When we forgive we acknowledge our trust in God to heal our hurts and hearts.  Forgiving people isn’t based on our feelings but on God’s heart.  Even after enduring unimaginable torture, from the cross Jesus said; “Father Forgive them…” and the “them” He was talking about included me and it included you.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the fourth thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Get Close To People

Relationship is essential.  The closer you get to people, the further you get from judgment.  On the flip side, isolation is a breeding ground for judgment.  Some of the most critical people I know have no meaningful relationships.  It’s no wonder they sit around and think of everything that’s wrong with everyone they know.  They probably think those people are sitting around thinking about what’s wrong with them.  It’s a vicious circle.  Relationship is the antidote to judgment.  It’s why we have Life Groups.  If you can surround yourself with people who care about you, suddenly the overwhelming problems of your life become more manageable because now you have someone with whom to share the burden.  There’s a fascinating portion of scripture in the book of Luke.  You’ve probably heard it or read it before, but let me try to give you a different perspective on it today.

Luke 6:38 says…

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Like you, I’ve heard that scripture as a pre-offering message about money.  Let’s be honest, I’ve used that scripture as a pre-offering message about money.  In truth, that scripture can be used in regard to money because of the principle of sowing and reaping.  But, in this scripture Jesus is actually talking about relationships.  Reading the verse before will help you see the context.  Look at John 6:37-38

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

That’s the picture of a beautiful relationship.  People respond in direct accordance to how we treat them.  If we treat them with generosity, they’ll respond with generosity.  If we treat them with love, they’ll respond with love.  Treat them with acceptance, they’ll respond with acceptance.  If we treat them with cynicism, they’ll respond with cynicism. If we treat them with criticism, they’ll respond with criticism.  Treat them with judgment, they’ll respond with judgment.  It’s interesting to note that when you give, you generally get back more than you gave.  That rings true for the positive as well as with the negative.  Today I want love, so I will give love.  I don’t want to be judged so I won’t judge.  How do I do that?  I get close to you and I let you get close to me.  The closer I get to you, the less I’ll judge you because I begin to understand why you are the way you are.  

Again, relationship is the antidote to judgment.  A relationship with other people, but more importantly, a relationship with Jesus.  He’s the only one who knows you, understands you, and yet still values you, accepts you, forgives you and longs to have you close to Him.  Are you close to Him today?  If you’re not, you can be.  All you have to do is ask.  If you’ve never done that, will you do it now?  All you have to do is read these words and believe them in your heart:

Dear Jesus, I’m sorry.  I’m a sinner.  I repent of my sins and ask you to forgive me.  Would you come into my life and make it new.  I can’t live the way I’ve lived any more.  Save me from myself.  Empty me of me and fill me with you.  I receive you as my personal Lord and Savior.  In Jesus name Amen.

If you prayed that prayer we want to help you walk the Jesus Journey.  Will you do us the honor of emailing us to tell us you’ve received Jesus as your Lord and Savior?  I want to personally connect with you.  Thanks.  

See you Sunday;

Shawn

[copperinland]

Deceit, Desire, and the 1980s

           Excess, greed, and apathy are words that are equally relevant in describing America in the 1980s as well as Girardian concepts persecution and mediated desire. The application of two of Rene Girard’s books, The Scapegoat and Deceit, Desire, and the Novel with American Psycho, Wallstreet, and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, will prove that the core of these films is rooted in significantly older psychologies -- though Rene Girard would contest this term -- than the contemporary interpretations offer. My argument is that beneath the satire, exposure, and portraiture lies novelistic-mediated desire and elements of mythic persecution.

           Definitives are seldom found in nature, and the same is true of a definitive categorization of mediated desire. Several of the implementations by the old masters of the novel, Dostoyevsky; Stendhal; and Cervantes, are different forms of mediated desire and contain idiosyncratic differences among them, but all are demonstrated through the structural model of the triangle (Girard 2).

           Girard offers the triangle because it provides a spatial mode of thinking when comparing and contrasting elements of a story. He acknowledges on the second page of Deceit, Desire, and the Novel that all stories can be described with a straight line, from the subject (protagonist), and the object of desire. The object of desire can be anything, and often, anyone: primarily women. What Girard’s triangular model of mediated desire does is introduce a mediator that hovers over the straight line of subject and object and acts as the interpreter of desire. Only the great novelists can articulate this relation according to Girard.

           Stendhalian vanity is perhaps the most easily recognizable connection to the culture of the 1980s because it is centered around a protagonist that Girard labels the vaniteux (Girard 6). Stendhal demonstrates vanity through terms like “copying” and “imitating” and it is the latter that draws the most attention. “A vaniteux will desire any object so long as he is convinced that it is already desired by another person whom he admires.” (Girard 7). This quote would suffice as a summary of Patrick Bateman’s character profile in American Psycho. The following sentence further connects Bateman as a modern vaniteux by including, “The mediator here is a rival, brought into existence as a rival by vanity, and that same vanity demands his defeat.” (Girard 7). This firmly establishes an idea for Bateman’s mediator, but that will be covered later.

           Firstly, it is essential to detail the aspects of Patrick Bateman that situate him as a vaniteux, despite the description fitting so accurately. Patrick is a vessel; he states in his opening monologue that there is no Patrick Bateman, only an idea. He can only exist as a reflection of others’ perceived desire. He is capable only of wanting and imitating those around him. One of the primary objects that Patrick pursues throughout the film is a reservation at Dorsia, first for the status that comes with being able to get one and secondly because of Paul Allen’s assumed ability to get one. “Humiliation, Impotence, and Shame” are terms that can be interchanged with obstacle (Girard 178). Girard quotes from one of Denis De Rougemont’s books, Love in the Western World, and tells the reader that, “Desire should be defined as a desire of the obstacle.” Patrick desires the obstacle of obtaining the elusive reservation put in place initially by his circle of friends which mention it among their group, but Patrick’s desire is amplified when he discovers that Paul Allen supposedly frequently gets tables at Dorsia and this establishes Allen as a rival to Patrick. Allen as determined the obstacle for Patrick to pursue, it is the most serious obstruction (Girard 179). Passion intensifies throughout the film at this point, even after a modern twist to Stendhalian vanity in which the subject defeats his mediator.

           Two primary forms of mediation exist among all of the novelists’ desires, and they are external and internal. These terms are used to demonstrate proximity between the subject and mediator. External mediation exists when the subject is so far removed from the mediator that their realities cannot or would be unlikely to interact. Metaphysical desire falls into this category because a good example of external mediation is the Muslim and Mohammed or any follower of religion and cult. The novelistic example used by Girard is Don Quixote by Cervantes. The opposing side of the spectrum is internal mediation in which the spiritual distance between subject and mediator is close enough for the two spheres of possibilities to “penetrate” one other (Girard 9). Internal mediation is where rivalry begins and is the type that best describes American Psycho. The entire film revolves around class symbols such as fashion, real estate, and rank; the movie embodies physicality. Patrick is only able to imitate what he sees; he is incapable of reciprocating any emotion. He doesn’t desire to be any particular person, only to possess what others have.

           Girard says that the hero of internal mediation, or anti-hero in Patrick Bateman’s case, is careful not to have his imitations known, he carefully guards them (Girard 10). Patrick’s plots of murder and social climbing are never uttered to anyone; he does not even acknowledge them to himself through monologue. Girard explains why this is:

In the quarrel which puts him in opposition to his rival, the subject reverses the logical and chronological order of desires in order to hide his imitation. He asserts that his own desire is prior to that of his rival; according to him, it is the mediator who is responsible for the rivalry. (Girard 11)

Patrick kills out of hatred only in the murder of Paul Allen. He is subsequently the sole character that Patrick considers to be equal to, or worse, better than. He takes careful note of Allen’s successes and possessions: the Fisher account, the reservation at Dorsia, and his business card. These empty symbols elicit in Patrick two opposing feelings, that of “submissive reverence” and “the most intense malice” which constitute the passion of hatred (Girard 10).

           American Psycho as a film fits neatly within all of Stendhalian vanity because it too works to persuade the viewer that, “the values of vanity, nobility, money, power, [and] reputation only seem concrete.” (Girard 18). Mary Harron works from the source material written by Bret Easton Elis which depicts exceptional vapidity among members of significant affluent status. Patrick Bateman is in possession of all of these things, yet he simply isn’t there. The film shows the audience the danger of a perversely inflated ego, the disassociation between the wealthy and the poor as fellow human beings. There is nothing concrete about Patrick Bateman nor among any of his friends, save for Bryce who seems to have some investment in politics and social issues. It is he who at the end of the film remarks to the group about Reagan’s ability to lie in the face of American people, he is about to make a mention of what is inside Reagan’s false exterior, and Patrick intercedes:

But it doesn’t matter. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, The Vicious and The Evil, all the mayhem that I have caused and my utter indifference to it, I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no further knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

Sadism is indubitably a large section of Patrick’s character, but the finishing monologue introduces to the audience the closest Patrick could ever come to admitting his role as the masochist. In “Masochism and Sadism,” the eighth chapter of Deceit, Desire, and the Novel, Girard discusses the mediator and subject as Master and Slave respectively (Girard 176). These terms are more in line with external mediation rather than internal, but Girard also explains how a hero of internal mediation can eventually fall into external mediation. Recall that the difference between the two is one of spiritual distance between mediator and subject, therefore, if the mediator grows closer in a story centered in external mediation, then the desire will transform to one of internal mediation and vice versa. American Psycho performs this change at the time of Paul Allen’s murder, which is undoubtedly the most important portion of the film regardless of analysis applied. It is with the death of his rival, the overcoming of the obstacle chosen by his mediator, that Patrick Bateman is able to walk among his own Gods; we will see something similar with Wallstreet later. It is here that Patrick’s mediation is further away, more abstract, and he is even more tortured as a result. “Metaphysical desire always ends in enslavement, failure, and shame.” Patrick elects to be tortured with these tools earlier in the film, he tolerates Paul Allen’s denigration of him, calling Patrick a loser and so on, because has a hero, or rather a victim, of internal mediation, these are the terms that the masochist must accept in desiring objects through a mediator so close in proximity. Patrick deifies Paul, and it is after the acknowledgment of this that Patrick acts. He becomes aware of the connection between his desire and what it truly is, that of Paul’s. Girard says that this is the defining point of the masochist, he is aware of the machinations of mediated desire and endures it (Girard 182). The difference lies in Patrick’s acting upon the structure he assigned himself to rather than the traditional Stendhalian hero who lives to serve his master.

Both the fiction of the film Wall Street and the reality that inspired it are rife with examples that fit into, “Men Become God’s in the Eyes of Each Other.” This chapter focuses on desire as articulated by Proust and Dostoyevsky with the latter’s implementation more relevant to Wall Street. To say that a connection between Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment and Wall Street is a dramatic understatement. Stanley Weiser, the film’s co-writer, and Oliver Stone explicitly said to each other about making, “Crime and Punishment on Wall Street.” (Lewis) It is also interesting to note Weiser’s admission that he did not read the entirety of Dostoyevsky’s book and opted for the Cliff Notes version. He says the paradigm of the book would not translate to the story of the film, but the proof is in the finished product. What this admission says is that Weiser and Oliver read the highlights of what makes Dostoyevsky’s work effective: mediated desire.

…Dostoyevsky’s hero dreams of absorbing and assimilating the mediators Being. He Imagines a perfect synthesis of his mediator’s strength with his own ‘intelligence.’ He wants to become the Other and still be himself. (Girard 54)

Bud fits into Girard’s definition of a Dostoyevskian hero nearly perfect. Bud does not covet only Gekko’s office, cars, and women; he wants to be Gekko, filtered through what he deems his own experience. He has the grand delusion that all protagonists of mediated desire have: that what is desired can be obtained. Many different explanations exist that connect the subject to the object and Girard often goes back in forth between whether the subject truly wants the object, if he wants to want, or if he wants to be humiliated. Bud appears to fit into the masochist role. Wall Street begins in external mediation as opposed to American Psycho in which the desire mutated from internal to external.

           Before the discussion of Men and Gods, it is pertinent to speak of Bud’s fantasies and what his concept of self is. Girard says, “The subject must have placed his faith in a false promise from the outside.” (Girard 56) The false promise is metaphysical autonomy. Bud wants to be at the top, where he thinks that decisions are made. He desires to control the desires of other men as Gekko does unto him.

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto." (Nietzsche, The Parable of the Madman)

Girard asks, “Why can men no longer alleviate their suffering by sharing it?” (Girard 57) He deems that solitude, a word that predates loneliness, is an allusion just as autonomous desire. A better question more fitting to this paper is, “Why can Bud not realize that his desire is not his own, why can’t he accept that neither he nor Gekko is in intellectual solitude? That they are master and slave?

           The answer is because Bud is trapped in external or metaphysical desire. I included Nietzsche’s declaration of the death of God because it relates to Dostoevsky's work greatly and Bud and Gordon Gekko’s relationship by proxy. Jordan Peterson draws the relationship between Nietzsche and Dostoyevsky as the latter predicting the former. Peterson makes clear that Dostoyevsky was not a nihilist but instead a very astute observer of culture (Peterson 213). He takes time in his argument to speak of Dostoyevsky’s prediction of the horrors of communism and how he was in favor of religion and morals over postmodernism, etcetera; however, what interests me most about this line of thought is the connection back to Wall Street. Gekko is to Nietzsche as Bud is to Dostoyevsky.  

           Gekko grew up in a world abandoned by God, where his father worked himself to an early death and one where he had to become the provider of his own prayers and fill the void. Gekko is revered to by many as a God in many ways, but the best example of praise is when Bud presents to him a cigar as an offering.

…as the gods are pulled down from heaven, the sacred flows over the earth; it separates the individual from all earthly goods… (Girard 62)

Bud sacrifices any possible claim to autonomy by affirming Gekko as his God. Autonomy in the liberal sense is an illusion according to Girard, but the subject does believe it, as many do, as an actuality. Bud cannot look freedom in the face, and as a result, he subjects himself to anguish. (Girard 65)

           Bud’s freedom gradually lessens as he grows closer to his mediator. He is a struggling yuppie in the beginning of the film and is not seeing as much progress as he envisioned. He tries to distance himself from his father and the tradition that he represents, the old Father. The destructive nature of the close interaction between mediator and subject is the driving force of the plot. Bud rises throughout the film to walk along his mediator, hand in hand with God. Bud shows all of the symptoms of a victim of metaphysical desire, much like Patrick Bateman in the latter half of his story. Bud seeks out obstacles which are presented to the audiences as “challenges” and disguise themselves as symptoms of his lust for power. They are instead examples of Bud subjecting himself to humiliation and degradation. He accepts Gekko as his master and God. He grovels beneath him and eats his scraps; he accepts the women he has already used. Girard notes a common theme in Dostoyevsky’s work whose name derives from his novella The Eternal Husband. The eternal husband, Girard’s term, is used in cases such as cuckoldry or latent homosexuality, though it is most commonly in reference to the former. Desire in the Eternal Husband stories is a competitive one, but it also relates back into Sadomasochism and the deifying of man. The story of the novella revolves around a man seeking out the lovers of his dead wife and seemingly befriending one that interests him most. What results is that the seeker finds a new wife and convinces the former lover of his wife to try and take her away from him. The analogy directly traces back to Gekko performing the same kind of play onto Bud. The difference is that the narrator of the novella is actually the mediator of the story, a clever twist. (Girard 46)

             Wall Street is confused when the Eternal Husband is applied. It introduces a symptom of external or metaphysical desire: double mediation. As Bud imitates Gekko and becomes him, Gekko reflects this desire and seeks to build a complete copy of himself. The film makes a point to relay that Gekko sees himself in Bud several times throughout and is the most explicit at the end with Gekko’s immense disappointment at the end of their reciprocated desires. This is common when mediation becomes a rivalry. Bud becomes the equal that he himself pursued from the beginning, but he is not yet the perfect copy made out of vanity by Gekko, and the result is conflict. Darien occupies various roles in the film. She is more of an indirect object, which sounds intensely misogynist but is nonetheless true. Gekko uses her as a gift to Bud, but this is not a gift given out of kindness; Gekko offers her to Bud in a mimetic way as the cigar was offered to him, but with vastly differing intention. The intention can be best described with the following quote from De Rougemont, “One reaches the point of wanting the beloved to be unfaithful so that he can court her again.” The film is a very complex retelling of the Dostoyevskian method. Characters shed and share characteristics without warning and some gain more and more over the course of the plot. Darien begins as an offering made by Gekko so that he can desire her again later and expose Bud as a masochist that is subservient to him, and what complicates her role is that the result of Bud’s awareness of his role is that he persecutes her instead. Girard discusses how mimetic rivalry ends in conflict and how it is resolved in a video interview with Hoover Institution on YouTube. The audience may see Darien as the conflicting object which directs both of the main characters’ desires, but she is instead the scapegoat that is used to resolve, though only momentarily, Bud’s anger with Gekko. She does not appear again in the film, which may suggest that Gekko has also completed his use for her. If this is the case, then she stands as a failed resolution through scapegoating, and this leads to the destruction of the mediator. Girard says that mimetic rivalry is inescapable in society and the only way for communal life to persevere is for the opponents to choose a scapegoat to explain their apparent differences and ardor. If the scapegoat fails, the result is war. Darien was an attempt by Gekko to soften future contempt by Bud in the hopes that Bud would fall blindly into masochistic desire and continue to serve him. The masochistic hero is, however, a much more lucid and dangerous kind of subject. Bud slowly learns over the course of the film that he has been used; he reflects on his humiliation and sees the structure that he had placed himself in and on his freedom that he sacrificed to pursue the ideal.

The masochistic vision is never independent. It is always in opposition to a rival masochism which is organizing the same elements into a symmetrical and inverse structure. (Girard 188)

           Of course, desire in terms of this paper cannot exist without at least two participants, but what Girard calls the masochistic vision works in a different way in contrast to what has been discussed previously. The masochistic vision is desire that is in spite. The masochist, “has a grudge against the very spirit of evil; and yet, he does not want to crush the wicked so much as to prove to them their wickedness and his own virtue; he wants to cover them with shame by making them look at the victims of their own infamy.” To see Bud’s reaction to Gekko’s betrayal as revenge is justified, but the prime motivation is not to hurt or destroy Gekko. Bud wants to shame him, to show Gekko that what he has done has negative side effects. Bud wants to surpass his mediator and teach unto him lessons that derive from his own, apparently higher morality. Hatred is observable in Bud’s actions, but he still thinks of himself as morally superior to Gekko and that his string of bad, or immoral decisions, were a result of Gekko’s manipulation. Bud has at the end come to terms with the limit of his autonomy; he recognizes the imminent destruction that comes from mimetic rivalry. This partially undercuts the primary objective of the film’s creators by trying to expose the greed of Wall Street and the culture of the ’80s, but overall it functions in the same way, just through different means.

           Both films discussed have cultural icons within them and were largely successful commercially. They both have comedic elements that produce satire and expose the immense greed and corruption that was prevalent in the time periods of their worlds. There is nothing new to be said about desire as the primary focus of the 1980s, commercially anyway, but there is more to be investigated into the why. The 1980s was an era that was symbolically in regression; it was a reversion to the 1950s, but also much further. Ancient ideas that centered around religion and tradition also brought back the largest faults of human ancestry. Girard says in his interview with Hoover Institution that mimetic desire is man-made, it does not exist in nature. It does not have to be an inevitability, just as persecution and scapegoating need not also. What both films do accurately describe the harm that comes from intense infatuation with the desire of others. There is no escaping it, as referenced earlier, but the level of interest and disassociation with oneself is up to the individual. Human beings that live within a civilization have the responsibility to become good masochists. Ones that know of the triangular structure that we have to live in and acknowledge that no alternative exists wherein a comfortable mode of living is possible. The choice lies in what and who one is her master. Girard would suggest that an abstract thing, such as a conception of the good (i.e., religion) would be a less problematic imitation because there is no chance of interaction or spiritual proximity to the divine to the rational mind. Philosophy can also occupy this role so long as the individual does not confuse the thoughts of others as their own and seek to compare themselves as equals to those whose thoughts have been stolen. More films like these two should be made so that the public can get a better understanding of what and why they want and believe.