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[onehighlight9-blog]

The night I felt like me

I shaved my legs today, my torso too. Took a long warm shower, grabbed my sharpest razor blade and removed as much hair as I could. It was hard because I couldn’t see all of it, so I couldn’t see if it was gone or not. As I went over my legs while a shower of warm water falls on my back, the razor blade got duller and duller. It started squeaking which means I needed a new one. I opened the shower door, stepped out onto the cold floor and walked towards the cabinet containing my toiletries. I searched through the cabinet, moving my toothbrush and cups out of the way, grabbed a bag which held the blades and took a new one out. Quickly I jumped back into the shower, so I could continue my work. I started down below, working my way upwards. My waist, belly, upper torso and armpits all got thoroughly checked for any hair which then got removed as close to the skin as possible. Some hair on my arms would be alright I thought, so I put aside the blade and grab the shower gel and creams. I wash my hair three times over, each time grabbing more shower gel and going through them with my hands buried deep beneath my hair. Next up was the rest of my body. I used lavender shampoo, purely for the smell. After this I grabbed the cream of which the bottle said it would soften my skin. That’s what I wanted. I went over my body using the cream twice, trying to make sure my skin felt fresh and soft. My recently shaved body felt great. I could feel my arms going over my body which now was incredibly soft.

I stepped out of the shower and looked into the mirror, scanning my body from the bottom all the way to the top. Any spots of hair I could notice got removed immediately. I looked at my head. I couldn’t remove the hair on my head, I thought. People would think something is wrong with me. No matter how much I hated it I simply couldn’t touch it without consequences. So, I got to dressing myself. I picked out a brown pantyhose, a black mini skirt, a blue bra, a white sleeveless button up shirt and a light gray cardigan from the room next to the house owner. After grabbing my stuff, I went back to my room and booted up my laptop on my desk. After watching some TED talks I started to feel my migraine again. I took some painkillers and sat down on my bed. It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, right then and there, in my clothes, on bed.

Once I woke up I got messaged by my girlfriend who wanted to call for a bit. Sure, I said. She told me about her day and I told her about my day. We got to talking about when I could visit her again because it has been a month since she moved to the other side of the continent. It ended up being a heated discussion. I didn’t find a cheap flight and everything in the upcoming month would be too expensive for me as a 22-year-old student. I sent her a screenshot of what the best flight might be, and we agreed it might be best to wait a bit longer, so it would be more affordable. After that she asked me something I didn’t expect. She asked me what I’ve been looking up online. She got the idea from the title of a tab which was visible on the screenshot. I quickly fabricated an excuse which didn’t make sense at all. I didn’t want to talk about it with her. It was something I’m struggling with and I know out of experience she won’t be able to make me feel better right now. The call ended shortly after that and I started looking for a movie to watch.

I couldn’t find anything I wanted to do as I was searching the web, sitting on my bed in the clothes I put on after my shower. All of the sudden a crazy thought came into my head. I got this sudden urge to sneak outside and go for a very short walk. It’s insane, I thought. By now it was half past midnight and all kinds of things worried me. What if somebody sees me? What if people notice me sneaking out? What if people notice me sneaking back inside and upstairs? I couldn’t keep asking these questions to myself because I realized this is exactly what is keeping me from figuring out what is going on in my head. I got up, grabbed my keys and my phone, opened my door and started my way downstairs. I remember there being some not too high heels in the living room, one floor down. So, I start making my way there. I move my feet as slow as I could and tried to make as little noise as possible. I refrained from using my phone for light too because people might notice. I managed to get to the living room and understood I wasn’t supposed to be in here. I looked around, but the heels were nowhere to be found. To me this was a big bummer, because I really wanted to go outside, in some heels. I put on my sneakers, tied them up and decided to continue downwards. I sneaked past some rooms where I could hear the guy inside snoring and made my way towards the door which would take me outside. This door is known for being a bit squeaky, so I tried to open it as slow as I could, preventing it from making any noise at all. I stepped outside and quickly jumped off the pebbles and onto the grass. I walked towards the gate and opened it. There was no grass here anymore, and people might look out of their window and see me. So, I decided to make a quiet run for it. As light and fast as I could I moved over the pebbles towards the road and hid behind a bush, blocking me from view. I got out.

I felt relieved. I am outside, free to go where I wanted. The first thing I felt was surprise. The pantyhose kept my legs warm and the cardigan managed to keep the rest warm. I didn’t need a coat at all. I started walking down the road, keeping my arms crossed over my body. In the distance there were some noises in a bush. This frightened me. What if there is some person in there who sees me. What will they think if they see somebody with a makeshift feminine walk wearing these clothes at this hour out here on the road? I pushed on, keeping a close eye on the bushes. The noise didn’t come from a creepy person hiding though, it was a small dog who was curious as to what was happening out here on the road. With nothing holding me back anymore, no fear or cold, I set out and continued my journey around the block. I never felt so free in my entire life. This was the walk of a lifetime for me. I felt like this was exactly how I should feel. I felt free, happy, beautiful and euphoric. When I got back to the house I didn’t want this experience to end and decided I will do another round, following a different path. I walked through a park and as I stepped into the light of a nearby lamppost everything changed for me. These feelings I was experiencing weren’t just an experience anymore. They crept into me and changed who I was inside of my head. My thoughts ran wild as I walked through the park and soon I came across a little playground with some benches. Once I saw the benches I felt like I had to go to them, sit down and cross my legs. I wanted to pretend everything was normal. I did it. I went there, sat down in the middle of the bench overlooking the dimly lit playground and crossed my legs. I looked around and I couldn’t believe it. I was seeing people, children, running around. They were playing and talking with each other. One got hurt and started crying as he ran to his parents. A small girl found something in the sand and ran towards me, looking at the stone she found. She looked up to me in the broad daylight and said “Mom, look what I’ve found!”. It went dark again. The only things I could see were the things the few lampposts placed in this park were lighting up. The rest was all covered in a mixture of the darkness of the night and the light of a full moon shining down to earth. There was nobody here. I was alone.

I stood up again, pulled a bit at my skirt to get it to look normal again, and continued my walk. On the other side of the park I took a turn and ended up in a nice neighborhood full of small houses. Next to the road there were trees and small patches of grass. I walked down the road and looked around, imagining how life would be here during a warm summer day. As I looked around I lost myself again. I wanted to live there, and I wanted to drive that mini cooper, which stood parked in front of a house. I wanted to come home to the house I saw in the distance, where a small night lamp was on in what looked like a kid’s bedroom. I wanted to enter my future house and see my spouse and young child having fun together. I want to see them drop it all and come running towards me to give me a hug and a kiss after which we all get started on making dinner together.

But I couldn’t, could I? I didn’t have enough money to make my dreams come true. People here don’t like talking about these thoughts I have flying around in my head. I push myself forward, telling myself I should enjoy it here and now, when there is nobody around to judge me or say that I’m weird. As I kept walking I kept imagining all kinds of scenarios in which I would finally be that what I wanted. I got back to the house in which I rented a room. I sneaked back upstairs and as I close the door I feel the joy I felt this entire night one last time. I pulled it off. I went for that walk which I felt I needed, and I liberated my mind. It all became so much clearer to me what I was feeling. I got undressed and put on my snoopy pajama pants and a gray top. After grabbing my laptop from my desk, I fell onto my bed and decided I should write this story. It will help me remember what I felt, and it might even make people understand what’s going on in my head, even though I highly doubt people will just accept it. Maybe this story will make others in a similar situation know they're not alone.

As I started writing this story I came to realize a hard truth though. I don’t rent the room next to the owner. I don’t own these clothes and pajamas. I didn’t have long hair on my head. I couldn’t remove the hair which was right in my face when I looked in the mirror because it literally was right in my face. When I looked in the mirror I could see the body of a 22-year-old guy, rocking a beard because it’s manly. This body I was given, this horribly taken care of body, stared back at me. Stretchmarks covered my belly, taunting me by making it very clear what I am not. Looking at this body made it worse. The shoulders stood broad and there is this obnoxious doodle hanging in front of the pelvis. When my girlfriend confronted me with the open tab, it said “transgender InfoPoint”.

What I experienced this night meant the world to me. Because with enough imagination I wasn’t this 22-year-old guy anymore. I was a 22-year-old girl wearing the clothes which expressed what I felt like inside, walking around in a park and looking at cars and houses, imagining what life could be…

If only…