#and also apparently a cult leader with a weird islands

[yuhi-san]

i watch the click since a while and due to the whole illuminaughty situation i kind of ended up listening to some tee channels as like, a background noise. i never ever heard of any of these crazy biggest youtouber they ever talk about. sssniperwolf? mrbeast? whatever that fucked up 8 passenger thing was? i'm still unsure who the fuck sean dawrson or whatever his name is. like, i never ever seen all these oh so (in)famouse people reccomended ever. from my perspective they pop out of the void with someone bringing up all their fucked up shit

Reading articles about MrBeast's dominance of YouTube is fucking bizarre because, from my perspective, the dude isn't even on YouTube. I've never watched one of his videos. YouTube has, to the best of my knowledge, never recommended one of his videos to me. Every thumbnail screenshot of his looks like something you could tell me was a photoshopped parody of YouTube culture, and I'd believe you. No one I follow on YouTube ever mentions him, even negatively or in passing. The first time I ever heard his name was in regards to the quality of his ghost kitchens. The only way I know he isn't a mass, shared hallucination is that I've witnessed the thoroughly mid-looking chocolate bars he sells at Walmart for some reason

[bugslaststraw]

So because someone (@theblabarmy hope it's ok to tag) wanted to know. Um. I should make a self indulgent post about my brainchild on this blog. I guess. I have a side blog for her/sso related stuff (@vilda-ravenhill) but still. Hey.

So to preface Star Stable Online is an open world mmorpg about being the Chosen One horse girl who has to fight the bad guys. It's badly written but unfortunately really well concept'd. Got some good art direction. About half the character designs are ass and the other half are genius. Sometimes for the wrong reasons. The gameplay is fine. The fandom does nothing but complain and the creators are so sensitive that they keep listening to bad complaints just because they sound angry. It's got one hundred thousand lore retcons. There are books. The book lore doesn't match the game lore. It's a weird game. I've loved it since I was in like fourth grade and trying to survive being bullied so it's definitely special to me anyway ok more under cut this is long

It gets weird when it comes to the plot though. Cus, well basically it's like this: the whole plot takes place on a fictional island called Jorvik. Somewhere between Norway and England. Its its own country. Its rural and there's like one mall on the whole island. And on this island there are druids that know like actual nature magic and shit? And there's a nature goddess called Aideen, and she has a prophecy that four girls and four horses, called the Soul Riders, are gonna save the world or whatever. These Riders change with time when they get old and die and have to find new ones, but the Soul Horses reincarnate for some reason? Like they can remember their past lives and shit.

So there's this hippy nature cult around Aideen where some of the druids are devoted specifically to her and to training/protecting the Soul Riders, and they're called the Keepers of Aideen, okay. And each Soul Rider has a unique power with it's own symbol so there's like the Star rider the Sun rider etc and they do different things.

But as it turns out there's a secret second prophecy that says there's a FIFTH rider who's like super duper important and knows all FOUR magic circles and that's the player character. Who. Turns out. Is also reincarnating? Like you meet your own previous reincarnation in game and it's the dead mother of a character you already know. Star Stable is bad until it suddenly makes a U turn and does something really clever and there's so much potential and that's what drives me insane.

And there's also this other dimension called Pandoria? And it's got people in it too but Pandorians can't survive on earth because they're dearly allergic to time, yes, literally to time, and humans who stay in Pandoria for too long get very sick and their magical ability goes haywire. There's a pandorian on Jorvik who has created a bubble where time doesn't exist, and he just hangs out and occasionally tries to kill you.

There's also an in between void dimension full of literally nothing that you have to go through to get to Pandoria. Like it's The Void it's The Nothing it's The Fog. There are these magical trees that grow on Jorvik but that reach all the way into Pandoria through The Void and they've got a whole root system there. You can apparently get lost in The Void and never return. It's actual Limbo and it just hangs out there.

Oh and lets not forget the evil counter-cult masquerading as an equally evil oil company (sso has an environmentalist message) that have four DARK RIDERS and DARK HORSES and DARK EVIL VERSIONS OF THE GOOD MAGIC like Dark Sun and Dark Star I shit you not, and they worship an evil chaos god called Garnok who is Literally Just Cthulhu, and their leader is a little too into it for some reason, and also witches exist and they're sometimes evil sometimes not but also they're always evil but that got retconned because star stable is not a good game and keeps contradicting itself and never does anything with its potential or characters or story because it's bad okay holy shit Tumblr doesn't like it when I write this much text hold on I'm gonna continue in a reblog

[staircasttext]

Ep 20 Transcript: Don't Put Cobwebs on Your Cat

Episode 20

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi everyone, welcome back to Stairway to Starclan, a Warriors Cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we are here today to discuss-- fuck, I wanted to say Fire and Ice again. Forest of Secrets, chapter 11 through 14. Very dramatic chapters, I would say, especially after last week where I don't think much really happened.

JULIAN: A lot of secrets in this here forest.

PAZ: They just keep happening. You know, we've been watching Word of Honor, and like, people having, like, skins all the time. This is the same thing with I guess, too many fucking secrets. Too many guys here and there's too many secrets.

LIZ: Guys and sons.

PAZ: Too many forbidden children in Forest of Secrets, I would say.

JULIAN: It's dramatic parallels.

PAZ: I can go into the summaries now, if we're all...

LIZ: Sure.

PAZ: Good.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Okay. Chapter 11. Fireheart and the rest of the patrol head back to camp after seeing that the river is flooded. They report to Bluestar, who holds a meeting about the flood and how dangerous it is, not just for ThunderClan, but everyone. She puts Tigerclaw in charge of sending patrols to see how far the flood reaches, and Fireheart and Graystripe volunteer so that Graystripe can secretly check on Silverstream. At Sunningrocks, they find some kits trapped in the flood, and Fireheart tries to swim to them. Graystripe is terrified of the river, since he almost drowned before, and can't go in. Fireheart is close to getting both kits to safety when he loses one under the water.

Chapter 12, Graystripe manages to save the drowning kit, and Fireheart gets the other kit to safety. They both decide to return the kits to RiverClan. When they reach RiverClan, they find out the kids belong to Mistyfoot. Leopardfur, another RiverClan warrior-- she's actually a deputy. Leopardfur, the RiverClan deputy--

LIZ: Shit.

PAZ: --is still suspicious of Fireheart and Graystripe, so she takes them to talk to Crookedstar. On the way there, they see that the RiverClan camp is flooded. Crookedstar is skeptical of their story, but Mistyfoot says it makes sense, so he grudgingly agrees. Fireheart offers to help, but Crookedstar refuses at first. Graypool and the medicine cat Mudfur reveal that the river has been poisoned by Twoleg trash, and that RiverClan cats have been getting sick from the fish. Fireheart is conflicted once again about clan loyalty, but remembers Bluestar's words about the welfare of all clans being important. He offers to catch prey for RiverClan until they can recover, and Crooked accepts.

Chapter 13, Fireheart and Graystripe are up early again to hunt for RiverClan secretly. Cloudkit follows them and begs to come along, but Fireheart tells him to stay home because he and Graystripe are doing a special warrior mission. Graystripe hopes Cloudkit won't reveal that he saw them.

At RiverClan, Silverstream asks Graystripe to feed the elders with her, while Fireheart helps Stonefur with the nursing queens. Fireheart thinks about how strange it is that Stonefur is half ThunderClan and half RiverClan, and how Stonefur doesn't even know. He goes to see Graystripe, who excitedly tells him that Silverstream is going to have his kits.

LIZ: Oh shit.

PAZ: [dully] Yay. Chapter 14, Fireheart is distressed about the news, because Graystripe won't ever be able to claim the kits as his and may even have to fight them someday because they're in another clan. Silverstream and Graystripe know they have to stay secret, but insist things will be okay. Fireheart is still worried, remembering everything with Mistyfoot and Stonefur.

On the way back to ThunderClan, Cloudkit shows up, proud because he successfully tracked Fireheart and Graystripe. He asks what they were doing in RiverClan territory, and Tigerclaw ominously emerges out of nowhere, asking the same thing. Fireheart says they wanted to check on the flood, but Tigerclaw doesn't believe him, questions Fireheart's loyalty again, says they're all in trouble, and takes them back to camp.

At camp, Tigerclaw tells Bluestar how he found one disobedient kit and two traitors. Bluestar allows Fireheart to explain to her in private without Tigerclaw. Cloudkit's punishment is helping the elders again, but Fireheart knows he enjoys it. Fireheart and Graystripe explain about saving RiverClan's kits and their food problems. Bluestar understands but says they've lied, broken the warrior code, and acted impulsively, so they will live as apprentices for now. She also seems very concerned and asks if any RiverClan warriors have died in the flood, (they haven't,) which puzzles Fireheart. And that's the end of the reading this week.

LIZ: Whew.

PAZ: I mean, we tweeted it, but my note in chapter 11 is just Graystripe, unimpressed face.

JULIAN: Yeah, I just have Graystripe, oh my god.

PAZ: Problems after problems. I'm gonna blame the flood on Graystripe too. I don't know how, but it's his fault.

JULIAN: Just like, buddy. Buddy, I know you're stressed about your girlfriend, but.

PAZ: Yeah, he's like, we have to go sneak off to RiverClan right now.

LIZ: Right now, immediately.

JULIAN: Right now this instant. It is nice that Bluestar is like, oh, you know, the flood is bigger than clan rivalry, because a lot of the ThunderClan cats are just like, fuck RiverClan. This flood is not a problem. And it's like, well, it is.

PAZ: Yeah, right? I think the elders are also like, yeah, this is everyone's problem. Floods are bad. I think we were saying last episode, like oh, RiverClan's camping on an island is great defense. Well, uh, except when it floods, I guess. I didn't think about that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: What else happened in chapter 11? Hold on.

JULIAN: I mean there's the whole kit, there's the kit drama.

PAZ: Oh yeah, that's the start of it. There's so much baby endangerment in this series.

JULIAN: The child-- this was like very stressful to read.

PAZ: Yeah, it was upsetting.

LIZ: Like the way it ends is so... right?

PAZ: What, chapter 11?

LIZ: Yeah, chapter 11, when, like, ugh. You guys talked earlier like in the show about like wow, there's a lot of baby death or something. And I keep expecting it like right now, whenever right now is.

JULIAN: I also keep expecting it right now. Cause I know it's coming, but I just don't remember when it is. The RiverClan cats, when they bring the kits back, are like--

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: --surprisingly laissez faire about like the return of these two kits that they thought were dead.

PAZ: Yeah, they're more like-- they're more emotional about being suspicious. Like, they're like, how dare you steal these kits, not like, oh my God, thank God they're alive.

JULIAN: It's like, hey, these children were-- you thought these children were dead and they're not. This is a miracle. What's wrong with you?

PAZ: These are like baby babies, too.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're still nursing.

PAZ: I want to find the description.

LIZ: They're just like, they're at the bean stage, you know?

PAZ: Here's the description. It's so sad. "They were both very small, still suckling from their mother. One was black and one gray, their fur plastered against their tiny bodies and their brilliant blue eyes wide with terror."

LIZ: No, they're so small.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Oh, they're so tiny.

LIZ: Save them.

PAZ: And Fireheart was like, they might be too young to even understand what I'm saying. They're so small.

JULIAN: Ahhh.

PAZ: I feel like this is the second time somebody has rescued a cat from a different clan from the river. And everyone's like, why the fuck would you do that, again. And it's like, why is this not just accepted? You don't let other people drown.

JULIAN: Right, like even if they're from a different clan, they're still, you know.

PAZ: Yeah, so weird.

LIZ: Like, they can see each other and not fight, so I don't get why this is such a big leap. Like, they have a conference.

JULIAN: It's so hard for me to tell what level of value is placed on life, I guess. Because on the one hand it's like, oh, you know, like, there's a lot of stuff about like, oh, the cat's lives are like the most important or whatever. But then like, they're very laissez faire about death.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean like babies die all the time apparently, I guess. I don't know. Maybe it's like how people were in the Middle Ages. It's like people die all the time. Gotta get used to it, I guess. Don't name our children until, like, five months after they're born or something.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: Yeah, I wonder, like when kits get names.

PAZ: I have no idea. I feel like that's probably said more explicitly somewhere. I'm sure when babies of main characters are born we'll find that out.

LIZ: It's not like... Bluestar doesn't name all of them, does she?

PAZ: No, no, I think the moms name them.

JULIAN: Yeah, the mom gets to name the like prefix, and then the leader gets the like warrior suffix.

PAZ: Cloudkit was just a special situation cause his mother gave him up to this cult.

LIZ: God. What do you think his name could have been? It might just be like Snowball.

PAZ: Marshmallow.

LIZ: Marshmallow.

JULIAN: Aw.

LIZ: Beanbun.

PAZ: Beanbun?

LIZ: Custard.

PAZ: Mm, Custard.

LIZ: Whipped Cream.

PAZ: Pastry Cream.

JULIAN: We can pull back up that list of kittypet names.

LIZ: Jeremy.

PAZ: Jeremy.

JULIAN: He's a real Jeremy of a cat.

LIZ: Just like a normal guy name, like Donal...van.

PAZ: Don...

JULIAN: [laughter]

PAZ: Donalvan?

LIZ: Willothy.

PAZ: Hmm.

JULIAN: Just a guy.

LIZ: Ashtopher. Jake. Wait, shit.

PAZ: No, that's taken. They rescue the kits, thankfully. No child death yet.

LIZ: Mm-mm.

JULIAN: No child death.

LIZ: Not yet.

PAZ: They go back to RiverClan.

JULIAN: They go to RiverClan. RiverClan sucks.

PAZ: They suck and they're stupid.

JULIAN: Come on, y'all.

PAZ: Yeah, like it doesn't make sense, like why would-- they accuse them of stealing the kits, and it's like, why would they be walking back towards your territory if that were the case?

JULIAN: Right? Also who's kit stealing, like in the middle of a flood? Also, the specter of kit stealing has come up several times.

PAZ: I don't remember it being so prominent.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: I don't remember it being so prominent either. But also like, we have yet to see or hear about like an actual instance of kit stealing

PAZ: Well, Broken....

JULIAN: Oh, okay Brokenstar.

PAZ: Brokenstar did it in the first book. Cause he was a sicko.

JULIAN: But he was comically evil.

PAZ: Yeah, he was a real sicko.

JULIAN: We haven't seen anyone like a little bit normal, do it.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't really see the-- I guess the advantage is like you get more warriors, but I don't know.

JULIAN: You have to feed them.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, I forget who made the argument in RiverClan, but it's like why would they do that? It's winter and no one can feed themselves anyway. I don't know. I feel like if you're like, if you don't have enough warriors because your babies are already dying, stealing more is not going to help. It won't solve the health problems.

JULIAN: Right. You're just gonna kill those.

LIZ: I don't think so.

JULIAN: I just-- I feel like maybe you should, you know, look to your own clan and solve the problems that are leading to your kit death.

PAZ: If you want to steal kits, you should go steal kittypet kits because they're like ubermensch, because they'll be vaccinated. And you can create an army of super warriors.

JULIAN: There you go.

PAZ: That's what you need to be doing.

JULIAN: All the clan cats are like, oh, kittypets are so weak. And it's like, no.

LIZ: They're super.

JULIAN: They're never gonna get heartworm.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah, not gonna get rabies.

JULIAN: And they eat regularly. So I think they can take you.

PAZ: They won't suffer from malnutrition in their youth.

JULIAN: Fireheart does suggest sharing resources in this chapter, and I'm just like, oh, good for you.

PAZ: Yeah, it was very nice of Fireheart, but I'm also like, you're so stupid. Why would you say...

JULIAN: Oh, it's super dumb. It's like the dumbest idea he's ever had, but it is very sweet.

PAZ: His heart's so big, it overpowered his brain.

JULIAN: Like again, I think he's got the right idea about like, we should all band together as cats in the forest and pool our resources. However, you're gonna get your butt whooped.

LIZ: Yes, absolutely.

PAZ: Yeah, this wasn't even a like, oh, I'll go ask Bluestar about it.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Because she already said like oh, this is a problem bigger than WindClan. He's just like, No, we'll do it. No worries.

LIZ: Fireheart.

JULIAN: I don't understand why they didn't tell Bluestar about saving the kits, like immediately. Surely she couldn't have gotten mad at them for that.

PAZ: Yeah, like that is not something that will get you in trouble because they're literal--

LIZ: Babies.

PAZ: Infants. I mean, I don't know, unless you're like a real sicko, but I... Bluestar has said like right before they left like, no fighting right now. Everyone's drowning. And then this chapter also brings up the weird specter of environmental pollution again with the RiverClan river. And I couldn't tell. I'm like, is this like pollution, or is it just like people are camping and throwing trash in the river, cause those are different levels of pollution.

JULIAN: Right, like how many people are dumping trash in the river that like all of the fish are poisoned?

PAZ: Yeah, like radioactive rat poison or something in the water. This is like the rural English countryside. What could they be dumping?

LIZ: Maybe it's like farm waste?

PAZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: That's possible. I'm looking at the map.

PAZ: Yeah, but I think it was specifically like, oh, Twolegs came to like hang out here or something upstream in a way that, like, sounded like, just like campgrounds to me.

LIZ: Yeah, like what did these individuals release?

PAZ: Exactly.

LIZ: God, what was that, um, like that clam or something? Like a mollusk that was like an invasive mollusk that was riding around in those moss balls?

JULIAN: Oh, zebra mussels.

PAZ: The zebra or whatever?

JULIAN: Zebra mussels.

LIZ: What if it was that?

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: One person with one aquarium like oh fuck, I gotta get rid of these moss balls.

JULIAN: Zebra mussels are super awful.

LIZ: Yes, they're terrible.

PAZ: Can cats eat mollusks? Hold on.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, I wonder if they--

LIZ: They might if they can open them.

JULIAN: How would they get them open?

PAZ: Well, I don't know, if you whack it against a rock.

LIZ: Well, how are they gonna whack it?

PAZ: Drop it from a high height. Can cats eat mollusks?

LIZ: Like an eagle.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly.

JULIAN: Or they can bang it on a rock.

PAZ: These cats have a society. They can get up high and drop a clam. Yes.

JULIAN: They could do it like otters do.

PAZ: They can have them as a treat or a small portion of their diets occasionally.

LIZ: As a treat.

PAZ: Can cats thrive on bivalves?

JULIAN: [typing] Do feral cats eat mollusks?

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: This is just giving me a lot of cat nutrition information which I don't care about.

PAZ: Can cats eat snails?

LIZ: Well, can they?

JULIAN: A lot of this is saying that cats will eat bugs.

PAZ: Oh yeah, Kip ate a fly for me the other day.

JULIAN: Aw, good for him.

PAZ: He's eaten a spider for me before. Yes, cats do eat snails.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: "It's an unusual thing, though, since a cat will likely play with it and leave it afterwards. If by playing, they could crack the snail out of his shell, the cat may eat it as a treat."

LIZ: God.

PAZ: "If you think that's all there is to snails, then you're wrong. Read on and see for yourself."

LIZ: Oh, oh my.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Maybe the wild cats don't know about this.

PAZ: Yeah, get a little snail salad going on.

LIZ: Yeah, they've only been eating like, you know, prey, like mice and fish and stuff. They need to get into shellfish. England has snails. That has to happen.

JULIAN: England does have snails.

PAZ: "A simple stomp or a drop from an elevated platform can create a crack in the shell for cats."

JULIAN: Ah, how fun.

PAZ: "With a broken shell, it may be the end of the snail."

LIZ: Damn. RIP.

PAZ: I don't know how accurate this article is, but it's so funny.

JULIAN: It's very funny. I found a thing with a bunch of interviews about how cats got into eating fish, because wild cats are originally desert animals. David Critchard, from Exeter in Devon, UK: "I would say that cats like meat. The type is largely irrelevant. A friend and I once experimented with some domestic cats, both pampered house cats and feral cats from the farms on my friend's estate. The meat they liked most was offal, raw liver or kidney above all, but spleen and brains too."

LIZ: I guess they are full of... nutrients?

JULIAN: I guess.

PAZ: When I was a kid, I had a cat who would go outside, and he would catch mice and only eat the heads.

JULIAN: Oh god.

PAZ: And he'd just leave little like headless mice bodies.

LIZ: That's some sicko shit.

PAZ: Cats do eat insects, though. Why aren't they eating insects in Warriors?

JULIAN: Well, it's winter, so probably there aren't much in the way of insects.

LIZ: Maybe it's just little ones.

PAZ: A little snack.

JULIAN: Crunch crunch.

LIZ: Cat just eats like a line of ants. Gross.

JULIAN: I almost asked, are there bugs in England? Of course there are bugs in England.

LIZ: No, no, we gotta check on this. Is--

JULIAN: [typing] Bugs in the UK.

LIZ: I don't know. I don't think bugs discriminate very much.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, there's a lot of different kinds. See, there's a lot of grasshoppers and like dragonflies and damselflies, which does not solve, again, the winter problem.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: But does solve like RiverClan's fish problem. Just eat a little--

PAZ: Sorry. Here's a website called upgradeyourcat.com.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Oh god.

LIZ: How?

PAZ: Biomechanical cat.

LIZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: That's not what I wanted.

JULIAN: I thought this was going to be one of those things where it's like, if you feed-- because when I was googling clams I was seeing a lot of like, "feed your cat raw clams to increase their taurine equivalent."

LIZ: Eugh.

PAZ: I don't think you should actually do that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Just gonna put a disclaimer out there. Don't do that.

JULIAN: Not a vet. Don't do that.

LIZ: Just give your cat cat food.

PAZ: But anyway, I'm saying RiverClan should expand to alternative food sources.

JULIAN: They say bugs are the food of the future.

LIZ: Snails.

JULIAN: Yeah, I bet there's a lot of snails down by the water.

PAZ: I don't know why that one RiverClan, Blackclaw, was so aggro also.

JULIAN: Yeah, he like got right up in--

PAZ: After everyone else was like chill.

LIZ: Someone has to be, I guess.

PAZ: I'm like, are you going to be a problem later? Like who are you?

JULIAN: Is this the Longtail of RiverClan?

PAZ: Just a little bitch no one likes.

LIZ: I hate that guy. I'm a fan of you, baby rescuer. It's me. My name is Fish... tail. I think RiverClan cats should be more like fishy names.

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: I would like to see some more eel-based names.

PAZ: Are there eels in England?

JULIAN: Oh yeah.

PAZ: Oh?

JULIAN: Yeah, there's a lot of them.

PAZ: Oh, they should eat eels.

LIZ: Oh yeah, cause there's eels in Dishonored, and they eat those. You know, basically the same thing.

JULIAN: Well, I was seeing in the interviews with all the people from England about cats eating fish, there were a lot of people who were like, yeah, my cat used to catch eels in the river.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: Oh my god. Well, imagine you're English. I know, terrible, and you get out of your little like--

JULIAN: Sorry to our British listeners.

LIZ: You get out of your little English home, and on your step is not a headless chipmunk but it's just like a whole eel. Thank you.

JULIAN: I'd be happier about a whole eel, tbh.

LIZ: Well, if you're English, you probably want to put it in a pie or something.

PAZ: This is slander.

LIZ: I've seen those videos about eel pie culture.

JULIAN: I'll eat an eel in a pie. Sorry, Liz.

LIZ: No, I support you. I'm not against eel. It's just a long fish.

JULIAN: Just a snake of the ocean.

LIZ: Yeah, it's the ocean carnivore's string cheese.

PAZ: [distastefully] Mm.

JULIAN: It's just like a noodle. You just slurp that shit up.

LIZ: Exactly. I couldn't think of any other long food.

PAZ: Noodle?

LIZ: Oh yeah.

JULIAN: You forgot about noodles?

LIZ: What were we talking about?

JULIAN: We were talking about RiverClan diversifying their protein sources.

PAZ: And Fireheart being dumb and saying we'll hunt for you.

JULIAN: Yeah, which immediately we see being a bad idea, because they have to wake up at ass o'clock and Cloudkit's nosy little ass is out here.

LIZ: It's like, where are you going? Can I come? Let me go. Oh, I can't? I'm gonna follow you.

PAZ: I love Cloudkit causing problems like not on purpose, but still causing problems.

LIZ: That's just children.

JULIAN: Yeah. It really has the energy of like-- and I think this is great in a kid's book-- but like your annoying little brother wants to go with you when you're doing something that you're not really supposed to be doing. You know, you and your friends are like, going to go to, I don't know, do something not bad but vaguely like not allowed, and you're stupid kid brother wants to come. And he's like, no, you can't come.

LIZ: Yeah, we're gonna sneak into old man Jimmy's haunted house.

JULIAN: Yep, there we go.

LIZ: Ugh, Cloudkit. Except he's not your younger brother, he's your nephew.

PAZ: What did they tell him? We're on like a secret Warrior mission?

JULIAN: A special warrior mission.

PAZ: You're not old enough to know about that, Cloudkit.

LIZ: They could have just said we're gonna go hunting somewhere else, and we gotta get there early.

JULIAN: Right, like the whole special warrior mission thing is like the dumbest idea because nothing is more guaranteed to make a kid incredibly curious. Oh, it's a secret.

PAZ: He should have just been like, oh, we're going to harvest--

LIZ: Butt weed.

PAZ: Garlic, I don't know. [snorts] Yep, that.

JULIAN: We're gonna do something very very boring. You can't come.

LIZ: We're going to a Zoom meeting, Cloudkit. Just a little concurrent humor for you guys.

PAZ: Cloudkit's so powerful, though. He tracked them all the way through the forest.

JULIAN: I know.

LIZ: Yeah, he's like this genius atheist baby.

PAZ: Cloudkit's gonna have a YouTube.

LIZ: No. Cloudkit's CinemaSins channel for ThunderClan and the warrior code.

JULIAN: Oh my God. Ding.

PAZ: I wish I knew what the warrior code was so I could make a joke, but it's not very clearly defined so.

LIZ: It's just, it's whatever the President says.

JULIAN: Definitely no feeding other clans allowed, though.

PAZ: Nope.

JULIAN: I was looking at the scene with Cloudkit, and we do have another good said alternative.

LIZ: Oh boy.

JULIAN: Which is, "'I hope Cloudkit doesn't tell the whole clan we went out early on a special mission,' puffed Graystripe."

LIZ: Awww.

PAZ: Have we done a said count for this book yet?

JULIAN: Oh, I don't think we have.

PAZ: OK, let's get the numbers on that.

JULIAN: So we have in this-- I don't know how many pages this book is. Many pages. Whole book, we have, drumroll please, 38.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: That's more than I expected.

PAZ: For the whole book, though?

JULIAN: Well, for the whole book, and none of them-- oh sorry, let's see.

PAZ: Is there a dialogue tag yet?

JULIAN: We have one dialogue tag.

LIZ: Oh my god. Who says--

PAZ: I think this is the first time. Who is allowed to say something?

JULIAN: It's Mistyfot. Mistyfoot.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: Mistythought.

PAZ: Mistythot.

[laughter]

JULIAN: Mistythot. "'They just want to talk to you,' Mistyfoot said gently, 'trust me.'"

PAZ: Wow, our first said. I think this is a different author than the previous two.

LIZ: Oh, they missed this in like the style guide checkover.

JULIAN: Right, no saids.

PAZ: Whoever it is is gonna get called into a meeting.

LIZ: 20 years later.

JULIAN: And then there are one or two, "so and so said nothing."

LIZ: Guess you can't say "so and so meowed nothing."

JULIAN: Yeah, but everything else is like, this person said this, and this cat said that.

PAZ: Congrats to Mistyfoot for the series first.

LIZ: Well done, Mistyfoot.

JULIAN: She's transcended cathood. She gets to say things.

PAZ: Wow. I do also want to read this description in chapter 13 right when they're leaving the camp, which is, "Tigerclaw was just a mound of dark tabby fur in his nest."

JULIAN: Aw.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Buddy.

LIZ: He is just a little guy.

PAZ: He is.

JULIAN: I want to scrumble him. Someone did-- one of our listeners did ask me what scrumble means cause I talked about it earlier. And I would just like to define scrumbling, which is just when you know, you get right in there and you go whrhrhrhhrh.

PAZ: That was an incredible noise.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's a scrumble.

LIZ: Thank you so much.

JULIAN: I guess, I mean the big next part of chapter 13 is pergante?

LIZ: The implication that Graystripe fucks.

JULIAN: I hate it.

LIZ: Ehh. I don't like it.

JULIAN: No wonder he's been sneaking out so much, to canoodle.

PAZ: [snorts] This man is not ready to be a father.

LIZ: No. He's like a teen, in spirit.

PAZ: This is a ill-advised like high school pregnancy.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: Especially cause they've put no forethought into it. They're just like, yeah, it'll be fine. It'll all work out.

LIZ: How? How? How is it gonna work out? Is your dad just gonna visit you in secret every single day?

PAZ: Also both of them just heard about cats who were birthed in one clan and had to be taken to another, and how that has absolutely not worked out.

LIZ: Was it them or just Fireheart?

PAZ: Oh, you're right. You're right.

JULIAN: Oh, I think it was just Fireheart. Graystripe and Silverstream don't know.

LIZ: Now it's just like dramatic irony.

PAZ: I forgot she sent them-- who was that? Graypool?

LIZ: Yeah, Graypool.

PAZ: Yeah, I forgot she sent them away. Yeah, I mean, cause Fireheart does have that thought like, um, this has historically not worked out.

JULIAN: Yeah, the, like, disconnect in emotions I think is conveyed really well between like Graystripe just being like, [gleefully] I'm gonna be a dad! And Fireheart like, uhhhhhhh yeah?

LIZ: He doesn't even take care of his own student. How's he going to take care of a child?

PAZ: Well, I guess the point is he won't because he can't.

JULIAN: Yeah, he won't have to.

LIZ: Wow, kid's not even born yet and he's already a deadbeat dad.

PAZ: Good luck, Silverstream.

LIZ: Good luck, Graystripe junior.

PAZ: In explaining this. Hope you got that like Immaculate Conception excuse on hand.

LIZ: Silverstream's two baby Jesuses.

PAZ: StarClan willed it.

JULIAN: Oh god.

LIZ: Is she gonna have a fake husband?

JULIAN: Well, it's also like, I'm sure the cats must keep fairly good records of like who's whose parent because otherwise they would get incest so fast. So like, they have to know who the dad is. Silverstream!

LIZ: Is there a gay cat that's like, okay, we can work this out. I need a beard. You need legitimacy for your rival clan children. We can work something out.

PAZ: That'd be a good option.

JULIAN: It's such a mess. I was about to be like, oh, these cats need birth control. But they have birth control. It's when they get their balls cut off.

PAZ: Just saying, maybe Graystripe shoulda.... need a trap, neuter return program.

LIZ: What if there was like medicine cat birth control that was just like, here's some herbs, or like, here's a charm?

PAZ: God, I bet there is.

LIZ: That's extremely funny.

PAZ: I wonder if that ever comes up.

LIZ: I have like memories of reading YA fantasy books as a child, and then like them having birth control, but it was always like, here's a stone necklace. Here is a magic herb.

JULIAN: I'm remembering specifically like the Tamora Pierce like Alanna books where she gets like--

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: She gets first like a necklace to stop her periods, and then she also gets like herbs or something at some point so that she can't get pregnant.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: I want a necklace to stop my period.

JULIAN: I know, right?

PAZ: It'd be so easy.

LIZ: I'm gonna put on my necklace, and I'm gonna chomp some cilantro or whatever, and I'm good.

JULIAN: So I am searching the Warriors wiki for birth control.

[laughter]

LIZ: Oh, they wouldn't call it that, though.

JULIAN: Oh, no, nothing has come up. I am getting a prompt: "create the page 'birth control' on this wiki."

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Hold on. Maybe we need to just generally google this. Warrior.

LIZ: If it doesn't exist, can we make it?

PAZ: Cats, birth. Yeah, it's a stone necklace.

JULIAN: That's just a collar to mark that your balls have been cut off.

PAZ: Hmm. I'm not getting any hits.

JULIAN: I mean, it's also like, the age group for these books is maybe a little young to be...

LIZ: But like, fans I feel would've-- there's someone out there who's thought extensively about the larger implications of this, like the real magical medicine worldbuilding stuff.

PAZ: Here's somebody mentioning "Birth Control in Warrior Cats: An In-depth Appledusk Defense." Oh?

LIZ: Who's Appledusk?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: That's a fun name.

JULIAN: I feel like we've stumbled upon some discourse we never knew about.

LIZ: Oh hell yeah.

PAZ: It won't let me see the page.

LIZ: No! Is there a cached version?

PAZ: Here maybe, maybe-- I'll send the link if anyone can look at it on their computer.

JULIAN: I'll look on the Wayback Machine. I would like to draw attention. I was looking at the medicine page on the Warriors wiki, and there is a little underlined and bolded note. "It has been noted by Erin Hunter that these remedies should never be used on pet cats, and that sick pets should be seen by a vet instead."

LIZ: Don't put cobwebs on your cat.

JULIAN: Oh, Appledusk is a character.

PAZ: Like someone's OC?

JULIAN: No, it's a real one, I think.

LIZ: Oh shit. Is it spoilers?

PAZ: I don't know this character.

JULIAN: What is this? Alright. Warriors wiki. Who the fuck is Appledusk? Appledusk.

LIZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Is... who the fuck is Darkstar? This is from Mapleshade's Vengeance.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

LIZ: Okay, I Control-Fed birth control for this article, and it just says there is no birth control.

PAZ: Damn. Sorry, there's a cat named Eeltail.

LIZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: Yes, yes!

LIZ: Yes!

PAZ: Wow. Did somebody like do child murder? Well, that's what you get when there's no birth control, I guess.

JULIAN: Oh, Appledusk did a cross clan relationship.

PAZ: Gotta stop-- they gotta just make it legal because everyone is doing it.

LIZ: I think it makes sense because to stop the interbreeding stuff, right, because they're cats. I don't know. No incest.

PAZ: Yeah, also like--

JULIAN: Oh geez.

PAZ: Diversify your genetic pool.

LIZ: Yeah, please.

JULIAN: This is brutal.

LIZ: You're gonna get sick.

JULIAN: Sorry.

PAZ: Yeah, I think we might be reading this book because I've seen--

LIZ: Yes.

JULIAN: I'll stop reading.

PAZ: It seems like there's a real sicko female character. And you know I love those.

JULIAN: She seems great. I want to read this book.

PAZ: Yeah, she has a lot of, like, animated videos on YouTube.

LIZ: Oh, AMVs set to like, "Bad Guy"?

PAZ: Yeah, and like, "I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters. Stuff like that.

LIZ: Is there one for "Toxic?" "Toxic."

PAZ: There has to be.

LIZ: Have we searched Warrior Cats "Toxic" AMV?

PAZ: I don't think so.

JULIAN: Let's go, baby.

LIZ: It wouldn't be called AMV. It's called a MAP, right?

JULIAN: Yeah, but if you just search-- yeah, there's one set to Tox-- there's one for this character set to "Toxic."

PAZ: Perfect.

JULIAN: We've also got one for Ashfur.

LIZ: Oh, there's so many.

JULIAN: Oh, sorry. Two separate ones for Mapleshade.

PAZ: Fuck yes.

LIZ: Okay, good for Mapleshade.

PAZ: Oh, that's what I like to hear.

LIZ: Mm-hmm. A lot of these are pretty recent.

PAZ: I think her super edition? I think it's a super edition-- is fairly recent.

LIZ: Do you think it's like actually "Toxic" or is it like that--

PAZ: That weird cover?

LIZ: That shitty cover, yeah.

PAZ: I trust that Warriors Cats fans would use the real thing.

JULIAN: Well, one of the Mapleshade ones is the shitty dark version.

PAZ: No!

LIZ: Nooo. This is so sad.

JULIAN: I know. And the Ashfur one is also the original.

LIZ: Okay, good.

JULIAN: Not the original, sorry, but the weird--

PAZ: Why do people always use that weird cover?

JULIAN: It's like a weird like music box.

LIZ: I guess that seems real like edgy, to like, 13 year olds. Oh wow, it's--

PAZ: The original's a classic.

LIZ: Yeah. I'm sure-- listen, no slander to 13-year-olds. Someone out there is like, well, actually the original slaps. Because it does.

JULIAN: It does. It's so good. Where were we?

LIZ: No idea.

PAZ: We were talking about birth control.

LIZ: Oh, right.

JULIAN: Ah yes.

PAZ: It doesn't exist. Silverstream's pregante. This is going to go so badly.

LIZ: I mean, it's not like-- not every cat mates for life. She could just get someone to be like, sure, no problem. You're my friend. I'll do you a solid.

PAZ: Yeah, but she better do it fast.

JULIAN: Yeah, she's got a timeline. Tick tock. How long are cats pregnant for?

PAZ: Less than humans, obviously.

LIZ: Like a month?

JULIAN: Gestation period 58 to 67 days. So she's got like three months.

PAZ: She's gotta build up this fake romance stat. She has to start something right now to make the timeline line up right.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: I mean, maybe she could say something about like, oh, the kits were born early. They're just really big.

PAZ: God. There's gonna be more gray cats, guys.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Noooooo.

PAZ: All these fucking gray cats.

LIZ: This is so fucking confusing. I mean, a lot of gray and white cats.

JULIAN: Which I don't think of as being the most common cat colors.

PAZ: I thought tabby was the most common.

JULIAN: I mean, is that like, you know, is this a UK difference? Are there more gray cats in the UK?

PAZ: I don't know. I don't think so.

LIZ: Okay, animalfriends.co.uk says the most common colours, with a U, are brown, gray, and orange, but also there are variations of tabby.

PAZ: I see.

LIZ: Oh my god. There's a type of tabby called mackerel tabby. What does that look like?

JULIAN: Oh that's, um, it's the ones where they have the little M on their foreheads.

LIZ: Wait, don't they all have M?

JULIAN: Not always.

LIZ: Oh.

PAZ: Oh. I thought they all had Ms.

LIZ: For meow. Aw.

JULIAN: Oh wait, no, I've lied. I'm sorry. I thought the M was the mackerel, but.

LIZ: So they do all have Ms?

PAZ: I think so.

JULIAN: Most of them do. Mackerel is very specifically the stripes that run off the spine like a mackerel's like ribs.

LIZ: Oh that's cute. Fishy. There should be more mackerel tabbies in RiverClan, then.

PAZ: Yeah, instead of all these gray cats.

LIZ: Yeah, ThunderClan should have all the gray cats like a, you know like a thundercloud.

PAZ: Storm cloud. You just want to color code these cats.

LIZ: Well, no one color codes their outfits in Word of Honor, so I'm like, I need something to tell them all apart. There's like 500 guys. There's like 500 gray cats.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I simply want more torties.

LIZ: WindClan should be fluffy.

PAZ: No, they gotta be sleek so they're aerodynamic. Gotta run really fast.

LIZ: Oh, that's true. I was just thinking about them being like ruffled by the wind.

PAZ: ShadowClan can be fluffy in their dark forest.

LIZ: StarClan, when you become a StarClan cat, you get little spots. You get modded Sims freckles.

PAZ: Sorry, I'm just looking back at the convo Graystripe and Silverstream have with Fireheart, and they're so stupid. Fireheart's just trying to explain to them like, this is a bad idea. This isn't going to work out. And they're just like, no, it will, because I said so.

JULIAN: No, it will. Smiley face.

LIZ: It'll be fine.

PAZ: No, it won't be fine because they leave, and then Tigerclaw's there.

LIZ: God, he's just back to being an evil villain.

PAZ: I love that image-- there's Cloudkit, who's this tiny fluffy white cat, and then Fireheart comes out behind him looming over him, this huge guy.

LIZ: Big brown tabby. You think he's got an M? Yes, he does.

PAZ: Yeah, M for Monster.

LIZ: M for Maliciousness.

PAZ: I can't think of any more M words.

JULIAN: M for...

LIZ: For Mackerel, cause he loves fish.

JULIAN: All I can think of is magnificent.

PAZ: Yeah, magnificent. That's right.

LIZ: M for murder. Duh.

PAZ: Oh, there it is. Yeah, M for murder.

LIZ: There we go. Meowder.

PAZ: Tigerclaw just gets really angry at only Fireheart here.

LIZ: Does he even know who Graystripe is?

PAZ: No, he probably doesn't.

JULIAN: He was menacing Graystripe earlier.

PAZ: Was he? When?

JULIAN: Cause Fireheart was really worried that like Tigerclaw was gonna figure out that Graystripe had been sneaking off.

PAZ: Yeah. Well, at this point he doesn't seem to care cause he caught Fireheart sneaking off.

JULIAN: Yep. Also, Longtail is such a dick.

PAZ: Oh my God, he sucks.

JULIAN: He's like, [deep voice] "just what I'd expect from a kittypet."

LIZ: Get back, man. Geez.

JULIAN: No one invited you. Go away.

PAZ: Tigerclaw is described with stinky breath.

JULIAN: Oh damn, gottem.

PAZ: "He thrust his huge head so close to Fireheart that he could smell the deputy's hot, rancid breath."

LIZ: I don't think any of you smell very good.

JULIAN: Oh, rancid.

PAZ: Rancid.

JULIAN: Damn.

PAZ: He's hanging out with those smelly cats at the Twolegplace. Maybe he's eating crowfood.

LIZ: Noooo.

JULIAN: Well, I also wonder... maybe Tigerclaw is so cranky because he has tooth decay.

PAZ: I'd be cranky too. You know, some murders, when you have tooth pain.

JULIAN: Yeah, you know.

PAZ: Who can help that?

JULIAN: If only there were some way to treat it. If only there was someone who would take care of these cats and their various ailments.

LIZ: What a fantasy you have, Julian.

JULIAN: I wonder if the medicine cats have anything for like toothache.

PAZ: They pull it out.

JULIAN: With their paws?

PAZ: Um, yep.

LIZ: Maybe it's like... no, no, I've got it. They say, bite really hard on this stick, and eventually it'll get stuck and I can pull it out.

JULIAN: Oh, great news. Elder bark does ease toothaches.

PAZ: Oh good.

LIZ: Great. Chew on this bark.

JULIAN: That's apparently what people used to do in the olden times for toothbrushes.

LIZ: Ugh.

JULIAN: Is you just like chew on a stick. There's like a particular kind of stick that was very commonly used because it chews up nice into like kind of a brush shape.

LIZ: I can never time travel.

JULIAN: Yeah, I really like toothpaste.

LIZ: In high school, my English teacher showed us like Lost in Austen, as like a end of the year treat.

JULIAN: How fun.

LIZ: Yeah, English class. The only thing I remember from it is the lady who gets transported back into Pride and Prejudice has to use a stick for a toothbrush. It's like ashes and salt, too. It's like, mm, yummy.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, I like the modern conveniences of flush toilets and toothpaste and, oh, deodorant. I mean, again, like I know there was historical deodorant and like people used, like, you know, all different kinds of scents and herbs and stuff to control their odors, but.

LIZ: A lot of it just seems to be like oils. Like oldie timey people, they're just oiling themselves up all the time. And I don't know. That feels real, like... yeah, I guess it works. I don't know if I want to.

JULIAN: I just, you know, I'm good.

LIZ: What would you miss the most if you had to time travel to the olden times, Paz?

PAZ: Electric lights.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Have to go to bed real early.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's true.

PAZ: And the winter'd be so dark.

LIZ: No!

JULIAN: Oh, the winter would suck.

LIZ: Not the seasonal depression.

PAZ: Right? I can barely handle it as is.

JULIAN: You'd just be like mainlining-- what is it? Liver that has a lot of vitamin D?

LIZ: Eugh.

PAZ: Yuck.

JULIAN: Livers.

LIZ: Milk?

JULIAN: No, milk only has vitamin D because we stick it in there, I think.

LIZ: Really? Aw.

PAZ: Weird.

LIZ: Oat milk? Do they also just stick it in there, or does it have it-have it?

JULIAN: Yeah, no, milk is enriched with vitamin D, but it doesn't actually have it naturally straight out of the cow.

PAZ: Should we go back to Warriors? Warrior Cats?

LIZ: Maybe. Yes.

JULIAN: Yeah, let's go back to Warriors. Sorry.

LIZ: Perhaps.

PAZ: I don't know. Tigerclaw, a little bitch.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw's a little bitch.

LIZ: Very funny still.

PAZ: Yeah, his grand plan was to follow this baby.

JULIAN: I mean, it worked.

PAZ: It did work.

JULIAN: As much as it's like, aw, dang, they get punished for helping people, it's like, I do get Bluestar's position here. They didn't tell her.

PAZ: Yeah, it seems like if they had just told her first, this would have been fine.

LIZ: Yeah, it probably would have timed out really well for her, because she just made that speech, right? It's like, we should help each other, and then it's like, look at these warriors that are in our clan that saved some babies.

PAZ: Yeah, could use it as a good PR.

JULIAN: Yeah, it would like strengthen their ties with RiverClan, which are kind of on the rocks right now. Instead of it just being like these two random warriors are helping ThunderClan, it's like ThunderClan is helping.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, she's fairly reasonable here, all things considered. Fireheart still can't figure out why she's so concerned about RiverClan.

JULIAN: Why could it be?

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: I just don't know.

LIZ: [dreamily] Ah, so mysterious. Can't figure it out.

PAZ: There's so many gray cats. I do want to point out this very fun cat turn of phrase, where Tigerclaw is talking to Bluestar, and he says, "'when I asked them what they were doing, they gave me some fish and mouse story about checking to see how far the flood stretched.'"

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: So cute. Fish and mouse story.

JULIAN: I love that.

LIZ: They're just little guys.

PAZ: I love all the little cat expressions they come up with.

LIZ: Tigerclaw can't say fuck, but he can say this.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean that's just the same thing as bullshit. Fish and mouse.

LIZ: What do you think he does when it's actually time to say like fuck? Like oh ffffu-- oh, sardines. It's a load of snail shells.

PAZ: I bet that's it.

JULIAN: You know, maybe I'll start bringing the little Warriors figures of speech into my everyday lexicon.

PAZ: I agree.

JULIAN: I think that would go over real well but at the checkout at the grocery store.

LIZ: They might just be like, is this is some sort of sailor?

PAZ: Oh, Warrior Cats with a cat on a boat. Fishing cat.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Ship cat, that's the word I was looking for. Other cute thing is Cloudkit getting sentenced to go help the elders again and Fireheart being like, I know he likes doing that.

LIZ: Yeah, that's sweet. He's a rebel, but he loves old people.

JULIAN: Yeah, I also wonder like, if Bluestar also knows that he likes it and is just like--

PAZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: --go hang out with the elders and maybe they'll like tell you how things work in the clans.

PAZ: Fireheart's like, I don't know if he actually learned his lesson, though.

LIZ: No, I don't think so.

JULIAN: Yeah, he didn't seem like he learned shit.

PAZ: No, he did not. Oh, they gotta go like act as apprentices now.

LIZ: Incredibly funny.

PAZ: Very funny.

JULIAN: It's so funny. Demoted back to being a teen.

PAZ: You gotta go back to high school. Can you imagine that?

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: No, that'd be terrible.

PAZ: That really is a punishment.

JULIAN: Yeah, imagine you like fuck up at your job and your boss is like, oh, you have to go to high school.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: That's a nightmare actually. I feel bad for them now.

JULIAN: God, it was really poignant that Fireheart is just like, oh, do we have to go back to being apprentices forever? Or maybe it was Graystripe. I don't remember actually.

PAZ: I don't know. With Bluestar's track record, if you go back to being apprentices, you could be apprentices again for like a year. She forgets to promote people.

LIZ: What if she just gets assassinated though, like before she [laughs]. Tigerclaw says, well, I'm just gonna leave this as it is, actually. This is great for me.

PAZ: God.

LIZ: Do we have anything else about this chapter?

JULIAN: No.

PAZ: No, not at the moment. I'm just excited to see how bad this will all go.

JULIAN: God, it's gonna break real bad.

PAZ: Especially now that there's secret babies in the mix.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Should we do a list of all the secrets we know so far, just to get a count on that?

JULIAN: Oh yeah, just a quick secrets rundown.

PAZ: Okay, one, Mistyfoot and Stonefur, illegitimate ThunderClan children. Graystripe and Silverstream, together. Tigerclaw's whole deal. Silverstream pregnant.

LIZ: Oh, Yellowfang and her kid.

PAZ: Oh, yeah, Yellowfang and Brokentail.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, shit. Lot of parentage secrets here.

PAZ: Sure is. Bluestar has a secret, which who knows what it is.

JULIAN: What could it be?

PAZ: Who knows?

JULIAN: Fireheart has been sneaking out to see his sister, although I guess that's not a secret now.

PAZ: That's not a secret now. I feel like there's more I'm forgetting.

LIZ: Does Ravenpaw being alive count?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: That's an old one.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, that's a secret.

PAZ: Yeah, they did go to see him. But I mean, Bluestar knows. That's on the edge. There was a very brief secret about feeding RiverClan.

LIZ: That's still a secret to someone.

PAZ: Lot of secrets. That's at least seven secrets.

LIZ: Yeah, a whole forest of them.

PAZ: Well, we'll see how the dominoes fall here.

JULIAN: How the kibble crumbles.

PAZ: But if that's good, like we're good for those set of chapters?

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

[meow]

PAZ: We can move on to a fun little forum thread that I saw, which is "Describe Warrior Cats in one sentence."

LIZ: Beautiful, thank you.

PAZ: Do we want to read these?

LIZ: Sure. First one: "Wild savage battle cats kill each other in cold blood for infamy and fame."

PAZ: That's right.

JULIAN: That makes it sound like the Hunger Games.

PAZ: Like I said, I still think... hasn't been much murder so far. I feel like that body count has to go up.

LIZ: Well, the longer the series goes, the higher the stakes have to be, I guess.

PAZ: Yeah, I know in way past the series I read up to is, I think there's like a battle between like cat hell, and like.

LIZ: Cat hell?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: This is still just taking place in some rural English town where they make cheese or whatever.

PAZ: Yeah, but they also have mystical ghost cats.

LIZ: It's like 2001. Someone in that village is listening to Britney Spears.

JULIAN: And cat hell is there.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Next one: "warring clans of killer kitty cats, along with a lot of pointless arguing and forbidden romance." Yeah.

LIZ: I think we have to point out this person's name also for a second.

JULIAN: We do.

LIZ: It's Metsfan09, and their icon is, I assume, the Mets logo. Cause it says Mets on it.

PAZ: You can be a Mets fan and a Warrior Cats fan.

LIZ: Of course.

JULIAN: It's a baseball with the New York skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge.

PAZ: I didn't even know they were the New York team.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's two of them. The Mets and the Yankees. I'm googling this real quick in case I got it wrong. No, it is New York.

LIZ: Okay, okay, okay.

PAZ: I was--

JULIAN: Fuck, they're from Queens, not Brooklyn. Sorry.

PAZ: Oh, gotta correct that, or else our heads will be out on the stake.

JULIAN: So the next one is "everyone dies and no one is happy. The end."

PAZ: I love this because someone quote tweets it. The next response says, "you sure about that?" and just posts a gray cat with blue eyes, like we're supposed to know who that is.

LIZ: That could be anyone in this book.

PAZ: That could literally anyone.

JULIAN: I mean, eight people liked it, so I assume people know who that cat is.

LIZ: They all think it's a different gray cat, though.

JULIAN: It does look like it's one of the wiki cat sprites.

PAZ: Yeah, it is, but like how-- hold on. I have a guess on who it might be. I gotta go see. No. Okay, I don't know who the fuck it is. Because the one I was thinking of is a gray cat with green eyes.

JULIAN: Yeah, I don't know fucking which cat that is. There's a lot of gray cats in this series.

PAZ: Read to find out what happens.

LIZ: This could be years from now. I can read the next one, though. "Been spending most of our lives listening to cat's paradise."

PAZ: I don't know. I don't know what that means.

JULIAN: [to the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise"] Been spending most our lives listening to cats' paradise.

PAZ: Oh, okay. Is it a song?

JULIAN: Yeah, it's "Gangsta's Paradise."

PAZ: Okay.

LIZ: Oh, it's a musical reference.

PAZ: I've never listened to music.

LIZ: You're a radio DJ, Paz.

JULIAN: The next one--

PAZ: Gets, um.

JULIAN: Should we just read the first one?

PAZ: I think-- I don't know, it's vague enough that we can.

JULIAN: "I'll describe every arc. First one. Kitten joins a war cult, becomes king. War cult teleports to a lake and cats train in Uno reverse heaven."

PAZ: I don't-- what? What?

LIZ: What? Is that what happens?

PAZ: What is Uno reverse heaven? I don't remember this.

JULIAN: I don't remember Uno reverse heaven either.

LIZ: I gotta read to find out what happens.

JULIAN: "Cats have superpowers now."

PAZ: That's right.

JULIAN: "Ghosts of Christmas Past come back to murder everyone, but oh wait, the super cats save the day I guess."

LIZ: These cats are Christian?

JULIAN: "Cats make cults."

LIZ: Well, we knew that.

JULIAN: That's the whole series.

PAZ: They already did that. Oh, I think that's Dawn of the Clan so that is the first time the cats make cults.

JULIAN: Intro to cults. "Rebellion is cool, so we must kill our friends."

PAZ: I see.

JULIAN: "Obsessed ex boyfriend decides to change the laws and commit murder for his now-married ex girlfriend."

LIZ: I see.

PAZ: Listen, I can not wait for that arc. Everything I've read about it is like, this is fantastic. Well, somebody quotes tweets that response in delight. The next post is "Cat society out in the woods deals with a different apocalypse every two years."

LIZ: Someone else quote replies the one where there's just a pixelated wiki JPEG of a grey cat, and says, "oh my god. She hasn't died yet?"

JULIAN: Oh, also we've learned which cat this is.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Oh, this is a good summary from user Rifflestorm. "There are cats in it."

LIZ: Mm.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Damn. Crazy if true.

LIZ: Please, put some spoilers on that.

PAZ: Someone else quote tweets that and says, "Don't forget about the Warriors there too." Sorry, I'm reading the summary of arcs again. One describes the arc after Power of Three as "super kitties teach younger super kitty to spy on serial killers."

LIZ: God. I think someone's still talking about that gray cat. And they're talking about ages. Someone says, "I think she's like 16. But still, when you had Tallstar falling over dead at 10 and Whitestar preparing to sign up for Life Alert at five...."

PAZ: Damn, this cat's really thriving.

JULIAN: Yeah, damn.

PAZ: Damn. "I hope she expires this arc. She is beyond rotten."

LIZ: Who is this? Controversial.

JULIAN: Deleted member. Did they get banned for saying this?

LIZ: They might have.

PAZ: God. That's hostility. What happened?

LIZ: Is that allowed on this forum?

PAZ: No, he got deleted.

LIZ: All right, you better watch what you fucking say. Geez.

JULIAN: This user says, "cats from heaven give bad advice."

PAZ: That's right. "Housecat joins cult and calls out xenophobia." Right. Some beautiful summaries in here.

LIZ: One of them calls, I think Dawn of the Clans, "cat gerrymanders borders and then there's a bloodbath for his troubles. JK, I think I forgot most of it."

PAZ: Gerrymandering is something to fight against. So they're justified.

JULIAN: It's important. For the first arc, "normal cat drones kitty battle royale cult." Correct.

PAZ: Sorry, I just went to the forum.

JULIAN: Really enjoying this summary of the next series, which is "the book of Exodus, except it's cats."

PAZ: "Roleswap, Rusty, Princess, and Smudge."

LIZ: Oh?

PAZ: Tell me more.

JULIAN: I love that, actually,

LIZ: How does that work out?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: Is roleswapped Rusty I guess just like a nice house cat? A good, nice young man?

PAZ: Here's someone said, "Smudge, I think would end up becoming a medicine cat."

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: No, not everyone saying Princess is a perma-queen. You gotta imagine better, more exciting horizons for her.

JULIAN: Right. What could she be like if she was allowed to dream of adventure?

PAZ: She seems really into it. It's why she gave her child away to this forest hell.

JULIAN: I want Princess and Cinderpaw to meet.

LIZ: Yeah, that's sweet.

PAZ: Yeah, I think Princess would be good at uncovering Tigerclaw's treachery.

JULIAN: Aw, I can see her being a real like Nancy Drew.

LIZ: Yeah, that's cute.

PAZ: I agree. She seems like she would do a lot of stuff, if she had the chance.

LIZ: Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she's Nancy Drewing it up in like house cat world.

PAZ: I love that.

LIZ: Yeah, you know, that's probably like cat crimes, or real crimes.

PAZ: Of course there's cat crimes.

LIZ: Maybe her owner is like a detective.

PAZ: Oh, fantastic.

LIZ: Yeah, she's solving the human crimes, too.

PAZ: I love this idea.

JULIAN: One more thread I've found on the forums. "Graystripe has eaten everything. How do you punish him?"

LIZ: Excuse me?

PAZ: What?

JULIAN: It's sort of like a, you know, not really an RP, but like a... "Some way, somehow, Graystripe has managed to eat every piece of prey on the fresh kill pile, leaving ThunderClan with nothing to eat."

PAZ: Of course he would do that.

JULIAN: "And leafbare is fast approaching."

PAZ: That's exactly what Graystripe would do.

LIZ: But this is like such a classic like early 2000s, late 90s, like bashing post.

PAZ: Except it was posted, presumably, very recently.

JULIAN: It was posted about a week ago.

LIZ: Oh my God. History just repeats. Nothing changes.

JULIAN: "Right now he is in the middle of ThunderClan camp laying on his back with a giant round belly."

PAZ: Oh, comedy.

JULIAN: "If you were leader, how would you punish him?"

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Um, I would make him leave my clan. And then I won't have to deal with him anymore.

JULIAN: Just a lot of people saying he needs to hunt to get the prey pile back to where it was. Someone says, "you don't. Graystripe eats you."

LIZ: Ahh.

PAZ: Oh my god, what?

LIZ: I don't like that.

JULIAN: Which is a lot.

PAZ: I really feel like I'm here in 2011.

LIZ: Yeah, Graystripe voice. What's the thing? I saved you a cookie, but I eated it.

PAZ: Hate it.

LIZ: Okay, listen, we're very anti Graystripe right now, but I don't think he would do this. I think he fucks up some other way.

JULIAN: I don't think he would either.

PAZ: No, I feel like he'd fuck up in a more unique and more disastrous way, honestly, such as getting his cross clan gf pregnant.

LIZ: Yeah, that's... maybe he makes a Facebook invite for his wedding, but invites everyone.

PAZ: Oh no, Graystripe.

JULIAN: Oh my god. Graystripe, noooo.

PAZ: You forgot to change the settings.

LIZ: Graystripe tries to share his wedding planning doc with Fireheart, but it's just open to everyone.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: He accidently sends it to the clan group chat. The scandal.

LIZ: Graystripe, why do you want like two slow cookers?

JULIAN: Graystripe's wedding registry is just like a $18,000 like outdoor smoker for barbecue and nothing else.

PAZ: Graystripe.

LIZ: What if cats could preserve food, actually?

PAZ: It would solve problems.

LIZ: Yeah. I do have one last describe Warrior Cats in one sentence.

PAZ: Please.

LIZ: It's a real zinger. "Game of Thrones with tails and whiskers."

PAZ: No. Once again, Game of Thrones wants what Warrior Cats has.

JULIAN: It does. It does. That was just making me think of furry Game of Thrones, which would be... incredible. I want to see Game of Thrones set at a furry con.

PAZ: That has happened.

LIZ: That's just called a furry con.

PAZ: I don't know if the inner politics of furry cons are rich and complex. Probably.

JULIAN: Oh, absolutely.

PAZ: So yeah, it's already going down there.

LIZ: I think that's just like, cons in general.

JULIAN: I'm sure there's been rich and complex-- well, we've talked a lot about the inner politics of Warrior Cats RP boards.

PAZ: Has there ever been a Warrior Cats con?

JULIAN: I don't know.

PAZ: Hold on.

LIZ: That feels like it needs to be like... it needs parental supervision.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: And organization.

JULIAN: I feel like if there hasn't been one, it's probably because of the average age of most Warrior Cats fans.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm not seeing anything.

JULIAN: Obviously there are adult fans. Here we are, but.

PAZ: No, true. Although the kids should have a fun meet up.

LIZ: There's definitely like Warrior-- we've read that wiki article, like how to have a Warrior Cats themed birthday party. That's Warrior con.

PAZ: That is Warrior con.

JULIAN: Warrior con is recess.

PAZ: It is, that's true.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: There's always a Warrior con happening every day.

JULIAN: Every day, you go outside and you play Warriors with your friends.

PAZ: Cute. Well, maybe we should end it on that very wholesome thought. There's anything else?

LIZ: I don't know, how would you guys describe maybe this book in one sentence?

PAZ: Too many gray cats.

LIZ: Graystripe, unamused emoji.

JULIAN: Please God someone get these cats a vet.

LIZ: That's a series summary.

PAZ: All right, well, that will do it for us then this week. Next week we'll be reading chapters 15 through 17. You can find the show @staircast on twitter.com. You can support the show at patreon.com/staircast, and we will have something up there soon when people aren't like traveling and stuff. You can send in questions and/or anecdotes, maybe about Warriors recess, to stairwaytostarclan@gmail.com. I can't remember if we said it before, but reminder that we are putting up episode transcripts now on our Tumblr, which is also where our chapter summaries, if people want to go check those out.

JULIAN: Yep, we're still working through the backlog of those. But once that's done, we should hopefully be able to get to... I want to get to like having a week delay on the transcript so it's not....

PAZ: Yeah, but I think that covers everything. So until next time, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

[outro music]

PAZ: Sorry, I'm scrolling. There's a sponsored post? Ad?

LIZ: What? Where?

PAZ: It's just three sunglasses emoji against a blank background.

JULIAN: I don't see this.

LIZ: I don't see this.

JULIAN: I have AdBlock on.

PAZ: Well, I'm on my phone. This is the kind of ads that are on Warrior Cats RP forums, apparently.

[facelessfrey]

So I’ve just watched the final episode ever of the 100 and wow do I have issues. Where to begin...

Let’s start with another series finale. Now I’ve always been a supporter for the most part of the Lost finale. Was it what I expected? No. Was it what I wanted? Not really. Did it answer any number of the plot questions it brought up over 6 seasons? Not particularly. But I could accept that sort of ending with them meeting up in the sideways world to crossover together. Was it weird? Sure. But Lost was always a show that was sort of based in the mysterious and the mystical. There was always talk of fate and questioning what the island was etc. I could buy that kind of ending because it felt somewhat rooted in the fabric of the show.

This...didn’t. 

To me, the 100 has always been a show that has felt mostly grounded in reality. Everything always had an explanation in science, even if it was somewhat futuristic science. Have there been cult like societies prior to the Second Dawn this season? Yes. We had the grounders worshipping the spirit of the commander but that was proven to be a computer chip. We had the City of Light but that was proven to be a virtual world. Even as much as I loathed the Sanctum cult society, that was still all based on the same technology. This isn’t. This transcending into balls of light and joining the collective consciousness of mysterious unexplained beings resembles nothing of the prior science used in this show. It really came out of nowhere in the final season, wrapped up with a cult of mostly unnamed extras and other annoying characters who in no way should have been right about anything, let alone the thing that ended the whole show. 

And sure they tried to tie it up with Becca and the Second Dawn and the prequel pilot and make it seem like it made sense for the whole show but did it? Did it really? Did it make sense for the show that existed in the first five seasons before they jetted off to a new planet and started world hopping through swirling green portals of light? Because I don’t think it did. Those first five seasons represented a show grounded in reality and this ending didn’t fit that. 

Do I appreciate somewhat that the final message was that humanity could change? Could do better? Led by Raven and Octavia? Sure. That has merit but that doesn’t change the fact that the situation was nonsensical. Do I appreciate at least most of my favorite characters all ending up living together finally free of all of the bullshit to have peace? I mean...sure, that was a nice sentiment. But at what cost? And what about the people that didn’t get to be there?

What was the point of Emori dying and still transcending but not being there with them at the end? What purpose did her death serve? I didn’t serve to push the plot forward. It didn’t serve to make Murphy do anything other than just hide in his mind with her. So why bother? Why take her away from him at the last minute and force him to live out his life without her? It doesn’t make any sense. (Edited to add that I’ve now seen a better image and seen that Emori was there at the end. So...good. But my point still stands that killing her in the first place was incredibly pointless and did nothing for anyone other than occupy them for a little while. So still...what was the point?)

And then there’s still the Bellamy of it all. It drove me insane again how they continued to invoke his name and try and make meaning of his incredibly pointless death. But really? What was the purpose? Again, he was killed for a sketchbook that Clarke didn’t take, to save Madi who ended up in Cadogan’s clutches anyway and basically died anyway. And for what? Because he couldn’t film a few extra scenes? Really? He should have been there with them at the end. He deserved to have peace with the rest of his friends/family. 

And he was right apparently anyway. About the nonsensical transcendence. So really, what was he killed for? He should have had Gabriel’s death at the very least. I just can’t ever forgive the show for what they did to him. 

Not to mention having the magical mystical being showing up as Lexa for Clarke, which just sort of felt like a really petty move. I mean, yes, Lexa was very important to Clarke. She loved her. But they spent like a season together. Not seven. It’s just silly. 

I just don’t even know what to say about any of it really. The whole thing left me feeling incredibly unsatisfied. Just the fact that this whole season has been a complete mess. They spent so much time on nothing, so much time stalling the plot with bottle episode after bottle episode to explain what each character was doing during such and such amount of time, only to rush all of this in the last episode so that it could barely have any meaning anyway even if I was going to get on board with this transcendence nonsense. They spent so much time this season focusing on random factions of extras with leaders we didn’t know or care about. I feel like we spent too much time with Cadogan and his cult friends but also all of that felt so out of place and random and dull, that I couldn’t even begin to care about it even though it was apparently the answer to everything. 

We spent ENTIRELY too much time on everyone’s favorite plot device, Sheidheda, who should have died like 75 times throughout the season but had to show up for one last plot point before I guess Indra finally obliterated him? But who even cared anymore? I mean, he was still pointless from the start because he was literally invented last season just to cause trouble for Madi. That history didn’t exist. It was just retconned nonsense. 

And Levitt. I mean...he did not deserve to be there with them at the end. I mean, come on. First of all, he is no Lincoln. O, have some self respect. I know they wanted me to care about him and I was probably supposed to root for him and Octavia but I would have been happier with her ending up with Diyoza or alone. It was just silly. I get that they needed an inside man to help them out at times but I never took to him. 

I guess at least all of the random extras I never cared about all transcended so our main characters never have to deal with them again. There’s...that? 

I’m just still so annoyed that the transcendence nonsense was real. But where did they even go? None of that random being that could show up as every dead character was even explained. Just...what a poor way to end your show. 

I don’t know what else to say. 

Seasons 1-5, may we meet again. Seasons 6-7, your fight is over, I shall now wipe you from my mind drive.  

[empyreansentinel]

im so sorry @anon i didnt know i had them off. theyre on now. and TYSM for being interested in my rewrite. the general idea is that it shifts the POV from the vault hunters to several of the bandit clans over the games. putting this under a read more because its. a lot.

the rewrite will be separated into chapters focused on specific points in or before the games. starting with mapping out the hierarchy in borderlands 1, where the bandits we encounter are united under baron flynt. and how that destabilizes the entire continent whenever the VHs go up the ladder and kill everyone in power. because as it turns out, executing leaders and destroying resource supplies does not actually make a piece of territory safer. BL1 POV characters planned: baron flynt, reaver, krom, sledge, ninetoes, bonehead, mad mel, possibly the kobb twins, one eyed jack is VERY interesting to me seeing as how hes not a real bandit, but an undercover weapons dealer. a few outsider POVS, steele, pierce, roland possibly. the knoxx dlc and the underdome dlc will also be rewritten, though probably not zombie island and claptrap revolution. those who survive the events of BL1 end up forming the bloodshots: a massive group of bandits with no apparent leader, who are starting to conquer more territory of their own. the flynts try to push back on the territory theyve lost to regain control over the planet, but now theyre also in competition with hyperion and the crimson raiders. its a war fought from all sides where everyone is hostile to each other and no real ground is kept, especially for the bloodshots who are displaced again and again and again. this war is all based on this map in captains ship btw. weird how sanctuary is marked in blue. at this point flynt is also still hunting down the people who killed his brother.

two is a little more segmented just from the sheer number of bandit clans we get introduced to, but all of them will get some sort of spotlight. lynchwood especially, as a bandit town run by a bandit that is now under corporate lockdown, similar to baron flynt's thor pre-borderlands 1. BL2 POV characters planned: captain flynt, deputy winger, ellie, flanksteak, sheriff nisha, possibly tiny tina and/or fleshstick. brick, maybe. salvador is a definite and krieg is a maybe bc i think a VH pov might be useful but only through the scope of a bandit VH. opposition POVs as well. handsome jack, crimson raiders. i am fighting every impulse within me to not make a religious connection between angel and the bloodshots. all of those bandit leaders are again killed by the vault hunters on their warpath to stopping handsome jack. collateral, in the games. id like it to be different in my rewrite! i want their deaths to have value, which is limited by the type of game that borderlands is. its a lootershooter, kill the bad guys and move on and never think about them again. i will not be doing that <3 then the transition to BL3 where all of the varied bandit clans we have just get put into the melting pot to fuel the cults need for bodies. before i get to this part of the rewrite i will have to replay the game because its the one im least confident on. Its also a bit more of a struggle because of how little we have in terms of named COV bandits. the twins ofc get a spotlight, and its the detail of bloodshot tattoos on shiv means he lived through barons rule, atlas, the crimson raiders flooding the bloodshots out of sanctuary, hyperion, the crimson raiders flooding the bloodshots out of the dam, AND hyperion. and then uhm. you kill him with like three bullets. im less interested in the maliwan side of the COV, so i wont touch very much on it for this rewrite or have a POV character within maliwan but im also not going to sidestep promethia and athenas in their entirety. there will be a focus specifically on the opposition research sidequest and whatever else i can pick through on the planets. and then theres eden-6, carnivora, and to be perfectly honest, though nekrotafeyo might get mentioned in passing, i have no intention of doing very much with it at all. maybe some tyreen POV chapters but thats all i got in me. im so sorry. i do not like typhon enough to dedicate more than that to him. and then the end of the game and all of the consequences that follow as the bandits once again lose their leadership, but also are freed of the constant threats they have been living through for decades.

im not entirely sure if i will cover TPS, or tales 1 and 2 but im considering it! at this point i already have a lot on my plate with the main title games, but maybe ill be able to get around to it eventually.

This is so silly but I have a cringe ass non-borderlands account that I don’t want to ask from and mohavegecko has anon asks off (I totally understand that) but can you ask him to spill more about the borderlands bandit-centric rewrite she’s been working on bc it sounds awesome.

Also love your art and your fantastic AU content (Angel my beloved…..) You have such a fresh take on the borderlands world and characters and it’s always great reading your stuff. Thank you for being a bastion of Wainlock content <3

@mohavegecko i was asked to forward this to thee

and thank you very much anon :)

[stereostevie]

‘Exuma’ at 50: How a Bahamian Artist Channeled Island Culture Into a Strange Sonic Ritual by Brenna Ehrlich

The performer known as Exuma channeled his Bahamian heritage into a captivating 1970 debut. Fans and participants look back.

Chances are, you’ve never heard a boast track quite like “Exuma, the Obeah Man,” the opening song off Exuma’s self-titled 1970 album.

A wolf howls, frogs count off a ramshackle symphony, bells jingle, drums palpitate, a zombie exhales, all by way of introducing the one-of-a-kind Bahamian performer, born Tony Mackey: “I came down on a lightning bolt/Nine months in my mama’s belly,” he proclaims. “When I was born, the midwife/Screamed and shout/I had fire and brimstone/Coming out of my mouth/I’m Exuma, the Obeah Man.”

“[Obeah] was with my grandfather, with my father, with my mother, with my uncles who taught me,” Mackey said in a 1970 interview, referring to the spiritual practice he grew up with in the Bahamas. “It has been my religion in the vein that everyone has grown up with some sort of religion, a cult that was taught. Christianity is like good and evil. God is both. He unlocked the secrets to Moses, good and evil, so Moses could help the children of Israel. It’s the same thing, the whole completeness — the Obeah Man, spirits of air.”

The music world is hardly devoid of gimmicks, alter egos, and adopted personas. But Mackey’s Exuma moniker, borrowed from the name of an island district in the Bahamas, was never just that — he lived and breathed his culture, channeling it into a debut album so singularly weird, wonderful, and enchanted that it’s not surprising it’s remembered only by the most industrious of crate-diggers. A cuddly Dr. John dabbling in voodoo Mackey was not; Exuma is a parade, a séance, a condemnation of racist evils.

“The eccentricity of [Dr. John’s 1968 debut] Gris-Gris is, like, ‘Let’s roll a fat joint,'” says Okkervil River frontman and devout Exuma fan Will Sheff. “The eccentricity of Exuma is more like PCP.” Sheff became hip to Exuma when his former bandmate Jonathan Meiburg (singer-guitarist of Shearwater) happened to hear “Obeah Woman,” Nina Simone’s 1974 spin on “Obeah Man.” Sheff was entranced by Exuma’s debut, especially the sincerity of its lyrics and Mackey’s whole-hearted earnestness. “There’s something about when somebody is very devoutly religious, where you trust them not to sell you something,” he tells Rolling Stone. “I mean, they may be trying to sell you their religious beliefs, but their religious beliefs are so vitally important to them that they kind of stop trying to sell themselves.”

��He was unique. He was good,” says Quint Davis, producer of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival, where Exuma became a mainstay later in his career. “He was like a voodoo Richie Havens or something.”

Macfarlane Gregory Anthony Mackey grew up in Nassau, Bahamas, steeped in both Bahamian history and American culture. Each Boxing Day, he witnessed Junkanoo parades — a tradition dating back hundreds of years and commemorating days when slaves finally had time off — replete with music, masks, and folklore. At the movies, accessed with pocket money earned from selling fish on weekends, he saw performances by Sam Cooke and Fats Domino.

“Saying the word ‘Junkanoo’ to most Bahamians gets their hearts beating faster and their breathing gets shorter and faster,” Langston Longley, leader of Bahamas Junkanoo Revue, has said. “It’s hard to express in words because it’s a feeling, a spirit that’s evoked within from the sound of a goatskin drum, a cowbell, or a bugle.”

“I grew up a roots person, someone knowing about the bush and the herbs and the spiritual realm,” Mackey told Wavelength in 1981 of his life back home. “It was inbred into all of us. Just like for people growing up in the lowlands of Delta Country or places like Africa.”

In 1961, when he was 17, Mackey moved to New York’s Greenwich Village to become an architect, according to a 1970 interview, but he abandoned that dream when he ran out of money. He then acquired a junked-up guitar on which he practiced Bahamian calypsos and penned songs about his home. “I started playing around when Bob Dylan, Richie Havens, Peter, Paul, and Mary, Richard Pryor, Hendrix, and Streisand were all down there, too, hanging out and performing at the Cafe Bizarre,” Mackey recalled in 1994. “I’d been singing down there, and we’d all been exchanging ideas and stuff. Then one time a producer came up to me and said he was very interested in recording some of my original songs, but he said that I needed a vehicle. I remembered the Obeah Man from my childhood — he’s the one with the colorful robes who would deal with the elements and the moonrise, the clouds, and the vibrations of the earth. So, I decided to call myself Exuma, the Obeah Man.”

Mackey’s manager, Bob Wyld, helped him form a band to record his debut album, including Wyld’s client Peppy Castro of the Blues Magoos. “It was like acting. Like, ‘OK, I’ll take a little alias, I’ll be Spy Boy,’ and all this kind of stuff,” Castro tells Rolling Stone. All the members of Mackey’s band adopted stage names, which wasn’t that strange to Castro, who originated the role of Berger in the Broadway show Hair.

“Then I met Tony and then I got into the folklore and I started to see what he was about — this history of coming from the [Bahamas],” he adds. “It was great. It was inventive. We would do a little Junkanoo parade from out of the dressing room, right up to the stage. It was about the show of it all. Coming from somebody who wanted to learn music in a more traditional form, that was kind of cool.”

The band recorded Exuma at Bob Liftin’s Regent Sound Studios in New York City — where the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and Elton John also laid down tracks — giving the bizarre record a slick sheen. Mackey once said that the music came to him in a dream, and he set the mood in the studio accordingly. “It was so free form. We turned the lights out, we’d put up candles, he’d get on a mic and he’d just start going off and singing crazy stuff and we followed it,” Castro says. “You would go into trances. In those days, I was a little hippie, so yeah, we’d be smoking weed there and getting high. It became a séance almost. It was like, ‘We’re going into this mode and we’re going to see where it takes us.’”

“There were no boundaries with Tony,” he adds. “It was free for him. It’s kind of like what people felt like when they played with Chuck Berry. If you talk to any of the musicians who played with Chuck Berry, you just had to be on your toes because he would change keys in the middle of the song. But there was also the spiritual stuff, you know, just the crazy voodoo-ish stuff. It was just so free for him.”

Everyone Rolling Stone talked with for this story compared Mackey to Richie Havens, but the similarities only really extend to, perhaps, Havens’ role in the Greenwich Village scene and the rich quality of his voice. “You can put on Dr. John and Richie Havens and water the plants. It’s good background music,” Will Sheff says. “But if [Exuma’s] ‘Séance in the Sixth Fret’ comes on shuffle, you’re going to skip it. It’s active listening; it sends a chill down your spine.”

Exuma is a kind of aural movie — fitting, as Mackey went on to write plays — that starts off boastful and proud with “Obeah Man” then descends into darker territory. The second track, “Dambala,” is a melodic damnation of slave owners: “You slavers will know/What it’s like to be a slave,” Mackey wails, “You’ll remain in your graves/With the stench and the smell.”

“It reminds me of Jordan Peele movies — movies that deal with sort of the black experience, a collective trauma,” Sheff says of the song. “He’s cursing a slaver and there’s something so intensely powerful about that.”

Then there’s zombie ode “Mama Loi, Papa Loi,” a frankly terrifying story of men rising from the dead, featuring guttural yelps and groans. “Jingo, Jingo he ain’t dead/He can see from the back of his head,” Mackey sings. That leads into the comparatively peppy “Junkanoo,” an instrumental that recalls the parades of the musician’s youth. Things get dark again with “Séance in the Sixth Fret,” which is just that — a yearning ritual in which the band calls to a litany of spirits. “Hand on quill/Hand on pencil/Hand on pen/Tell me spirit/Tell me when,” Mackey intones. The more accessible “You Don’t Know What’s Going On,” follows, leading into epic prophecy “The Vision,” which foretells the end of the world: “And all the dead walking throughout the land/Whispering, Whispering, it was judgment day.”

The strange, gorgeous record was released on Mercury Records, and at the time, the label had high hopes for its success, as it was apparently getting solid radio play. “The reaction is that of a heavy, big-numbers contemporary album,” Mercury exec Lou Simon said at the time. “As a result, we’re going to give it all the merchandising support we can muster.” But the album apparently failed to break through, and Mackey left Mercury in 1971 after releasing Exuma II. His legacy lived on in the corners of popular culture: Nina Simone covered “Dambala” as well as “Obeah Man,” with both tracks appearing on It Is Finished, a 1974 LP that failed to take off. Mackey himself went on to drop still more albums but mostly operated in a quiet kind of obscurity.

“What he didn’t have was the commercial base, you know, the formula,” Castro says by way of explanation. “Let’s face it, the music business is very fickle and it boxes you in. And if you’re going to join that world, it’s in your best interest to commercialize yourself and to come up with a formula that works. He didn’t have that formula.”

Mackey did find a home, though, at the newly minted New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival in 1978, an atmosphere that seemed more in keeping with his spiritual aesthetic than mainstream radio. “New Orleans is the most receptive place in the world to the artist, this music spirit that flies around in the air all the time waiting to be reborn and reborn,” he told Wavelength in 1981.

“He was a Caribbean Dr. John, so to speak,” festival producer Davis says. “When I heard [his album], I said, ‘Well, that’s us.’ This guy with feathers on his head, his big hat. Everybody loved him and he became part of the festival family.”

“I think he was the first Caribbean act that we had,” Davis adds. “I hesitate to say that he was a trailblazer because there weren’t a lot of people following in his footsteps.”

[introvertguide]

Fight for My Entertainment

Over human history, people have found entertainment in a lot of different things. Tastes have changed over time but love of music has been present since the rise of man. Games of athletic prowess have provided drama and amazement for centuries. Even dancing has been a great source of entertainment to the population in some form throughout recorded history. One other thing that seems to keep an audience’s attention is the good old fight to the death. Although there are extreme fighting sports that are popular today, actual murder is severely frowned upon to say the least. Movie audiences still like to see portrayals of the fight to the death and there have been many movies, both good and bad, that satisfy this blood lust. I just wanted to go over some of my personal favorites (and some that really suck):

Ben-Hur (1959) is one of my least favorite movies, but I got to give respect to that chariot battle. I have been to Rome and seen the Circus Maximus field where the movie was filmed and where actual chariot races once took place. The horses and the outfits were great but the real interest to the audience in ancient Rome was the real chance of horrific trampling death with every turn of the race. Visually amazing with dramatic appeal. If this movie was only this, it would be a masterpiece, but there is almost 3 hours of boredom attached around it that really didn’t interest me. Great scene, though.

Spartacus (1960), on the other hand, is one of my favorite movies. It is another epic film and lasts a little bit long, but there are many huge battle scenes with thousands of extras and great one on one gladiator battles. Kirk Douglas is amazing as a gladiator turned general who took on the Roman army. There are a lot of one-on-one fights in this film and, despite the age of the film, still seem pretty realistic. This film is the reverse of Ben-Hur for me, having only 15 minutes of boring material surrounded by great scenes. Fantastic movie.

Edit Note: After rewatching, there are a lot less gladiator fights than I remember. In fact, I only now remember two, maybe three. There is also a lot more preparation for battle than actual battle. The best fighting part is likely when the gladiators first attempt to escape. This movie focuses much more on the repercussions on forcing people to fight instead of actually showing the fights. 

Enter the Dragon (1973) has to be mentioned because it has freaking Bruce Lee. A martial arts phenomenon that passed away far too early, Bruce Lee fights in a tournament to have a chance for revenge. Unlike many fights in which the action was sped up, he is rumored to have been told to slow down so that the camera operators could keep up. This doesn’t have massive crowds but there are still fights to the death for the entertainment of others. I do want to mention that this film is kind of racist and is exploitative along the lines of stereotypes, but the skill is so amazing that I think it rises above the B movie genre and is one of my absolute favorite movies. 

The Running Man (1987) is a movie that is absolutely amazing but not what I would call good. The script is weak, the dialogue is corny, and the acting is laughable. However, it does have Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura in the same movie. I mean, c’mon. A bunch of guys who are serving prison terms are put in a maze with professional killers that have weapons like chainsaws, fire suits, and electric projectiles. And this is all for the pleasure of a TV audience. Very much the modern day Colosseum scenario and a lot of fun to watch. 

Bloodsport (1988) is not a good movie but it is the reason that Jean Claude Van Damme is a household name. The “Muscles from Brussels” really shows off his high kicking skill in a tournament that features more than one fatality in the ring. Look at how much air that guy is getting...the athleticism can’t be denied. The film has a pretty strong cult following and it is another “fun” movie to watch because it does show a lot of very interesting matchups. By the way, the murderous villain in both Enter the Dragon and Bloodsport is played by the same Hong Kong martial artist turned bodybuilder, Mr. Bolo Yeung. A great fighting filming needs both a great hero and a powerful villain and this movie does have both of those things...but that is about it. 

Mortal Kombat (1995) is based on the video game of the same name and boasts supernatural fighters that end their bouts with gory fatalities. It totally delivers exactly that. There are no promises of nice sets, interesting back stories, or special effects and that is good because that doesn’t happen. The one-liners are cheesy, the martial arts are very good, and the soundtrack bumps throughout the entire film. Good enough for me. 

Gladiator (2000) “We who are about to die salute you!” I guess that you can’t have a list of gladiator movies with putting in this one. Russell Crowe plays a disgraced Roman soldier named Maximus who loses his family and is thrown into the ring to die. He works his way through to eventually take on a Roman leader and the whole thing is epic. There are a lot of battles in the Colosseum and they are all glorious. As far as realism and quantity of fights, I think this might be the best. Directed by Ridley Scott, it really takes the viewer and thrusts them into ancient Rome. “Are you not entertained?”

Battle Royale (2000) is the film that so many people cough under their breath when somebody brings up the Hunger Games. This film features a class of children that tormented their teacher so they were all shipped by bus to an island to kill each other until only one person is left. Warning, there is a whole lot of murder and suicide with sharp objects involving children. Each kid also has a choker that blows out their throat if they stop moving. Far and away more gory than its American counterpart, this film does not hold back nor are the contestants prepared for their predicament in any way. Very interesting but really makes the viewer feel that this kind of competition is wrong. Not a “fun” watch. 

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003) is a fantastic martial arts movie starring the great Tony Jaa as a fighter who partakes in underground street fights in an attempt to find the head of his village’s sacred statue. He takes on some crazy opponents who are much bigger than him, but he is one of the most high flying fighters I have ever seen. His flying knee attacks are just phenomenal. When this guy fights, I am entertained and I am not afraid to admit it. 

The Hunger Games (2012) is the story of youths in a dystopian future who fight to the death representing their district. This is all for the pleasure of the super rich who watch and give help to those players that they like. I think that the premise is so interesting but the heavy helping of teen angst amongst the child death seems weird. The desperation for companionship in the face of death was so much better in Battle Royale, but I still enjoyed this movie. The build up took too long for me, but the last half of the movie is gladiator arena glory. 

Thor: Ragnarok (2017) is a movie that I just thought of last minute but it does have a planet where warriors fight in an arena for the entertainment of Jeff Goldblum. There is a battle between Thor and the Hulk and that is all I really needed to know to be interested. Apparently this fight is amazing to everyone, even aliens on a trash planet. You know that audiences have a taste for carnage when they want to see two superheroes battle.

This list is by no means anywhere near complete so feel free to add on any other great gladiator films. These are just examples of how movie audiences seem to have a little bit of a blood lust and shows our tastes in entertainment have not changed as much as we might think since the days of the Roman Colosseum. I am not immune, but I am glad that my desire to see fighting can be quenched by acting without the need to see somebody actually die.

[critroleing]

If Campaign 2 went Live in the Middle (like Campaign 1)

Since you guys liked it so much the first time, let’s run through the real world AU where campaign 2 was the one we started in the middle of, but more in depth this time.

There would be a backstory/introduction vid that played in the beginning of episodes and in the break. This is more or less what it would say:

Caleb: All of his backstory will be explained in one chunk, including stuff like the residuum crystals in his arms, his past name, and the concept of scourgers, stuff that was plot twists that came along the way for us. No attention will be paid to how this backstory came out to the characters. Nor who among the characters actually know any of this. We will assume by default that everyone knows.

Nott: this is the story of Veth, mostly. The story of how she got bullied as a child, had a marriage and a baby, got kidnapped and transformed into a goblin but regained her family and now they’re waiting for her in Nicodranas. The story of how she regained them is kind of like the story of how Pike died. Technically it was in game, but it’s so far away it’s essentially backstory.

Beau: The lore we’ve gotten from her is much more sporadic, but they’ll take the pieces of what we have gotten and treat it like the Lore Drops we’ve gotten from people like Caleb and Nott. Her childhood in Kamordah will be explained, along with how she got kidnapped by monks, has a baby brother and mentor named Dairon will all be given as if everyone knows these facts and not like they were carefully dished out to one person here and one person there. (Because of this the fandom’s view of her will be slightly off from who she actually is, and that will lead to a good chunk of fans disliking her, at least until they get the hang of her character.)

Jester will probably be the least affected by this change. We knew her backstory early and met her mother later, which is how this turns out. Her backstory does reach all the way up to include the gnoll follower she met in Asarius and preparations for Travelercon. The Traveler will inevitably turn up somewhere and talk to Jester. He will seem super shady. In other words, nothing much will have changed.

Fjord: Huge changes here. During the time we wouldn’t have seen Fjord has learned who Uk’otoa is, followed him, almost set him free, stopped working for him, lost his powers and started working for another power. That is a lot of developments to be relegated to backstory, and this is on top of the backstory he already had. There will be a brief mention of Fjord having had a different accent in the past, the fandom will not pick up on how big of a deal that is.

Caduceus: His backstory might include the story of the Clays, the Dusts and the Stones, in which case he will feel a lot like Keyleth did. He will sound like he has a Plan, in a way that he did not seem to, watching it episode by episode. We don’t actually know all that much about Caduceus’ personal life, so his backstory presentation might have to go for the big picture stuff.

Yasha: She’ll get her own presentation. We know this because Ashley wasn’t there for the first few episodes of c1 but Pike’s presentation was there anyway. Explanations of her backstory will include Zuala, blacking out and coming to again, the Stormlord, mentions of Obann but not her current situation. That will be explained in the very beginning by Matt, with interruptions form the rest of the gang. The fandom will not understand how serious it is until Yasha comes back.

Molly will not get a presentation. He, in fact, will not be acknowledged until someone makes a reference to him and suddenly the cast will remember that, oh, the audience doesn’t know who he is. The audience understands that this was Taliesin’s previous character, but the extent of his influence on the party will be lost as we have no real feel for Molly’s character or what he could have inspired in others.

Male pronouns will be used when explaining Molly, people will immediately forget that and it becomes pretty common to see and hear Molly depicted as a woman and then people correcting them. The Ruby of the Sea will take some explaining, but she’s definitely one of the people we have to meet as soon as possible. “She’s the best lay ever, you guys,” Laura informs us. We do not get the joke.

Someone remembers Pumat Sol exists. They try to explain him. It’s really hard. Matt does an accent and the fandom enjoys it.

The fact that the Mighty Nein are already established in Xhorhas feels alienating to a lot of viewers. Apparently they’re heroes of the Dynasty? And have a house? With a tree on it? And Beau’s mentor Dairon is there?

So the reason they are heroes is because they gave the Bright Queen some sort of artefact. The fandom is unsure of what it was or where it came from, but it may be that the Empire has another one. The larger lore of how the Dens and Beacons work is largely lost, and with it a lot of understanding about the larger world and the war.

At some point far in the future it comes out that they’ve already met Trent Ikithon, Caleb’s main bad guy. Nothing much seemed to happen. Lots of meta about how that meeting was going to happen has to be thrown out.

Jester has pets. Sprinkle doesn’t get mentioned a lot, but at least he’s on adventures with them. There is also Nugget, who lives Marion and we eventually get to meet. We don’t know where they came from, presumably Jester had them the whole time, like childhood pets.

They also adopted a baby bird for a while. They say it could mimic speech? The people who know what kenku are have their suspicions, everyone else thinks it’s another pet.

Beau has some trauma related to some academic by the name of Professor Thaddeus. Much meta has been written about who he is and what happened between him and Beau.

They know a gentleman who’s blue and sweaty. He is also maybe Jester’s dad. Jury’s out on that one.

The Empire feels so far away, and so Other. People praise Matt for making the humans the bad guys and the Drow the good guys.

The fact that they were pirates once comes up in conversation. A joke is made about it. Nothing is explained.

Eventually it comes out that it had things do do with Fjord’s patron, there was a sexy cult leader pirate with a French accent who Fjord slept with, and they got banished from the pirate island within a day.

They still technically have French accent pirate’s ship. It’s called the Ball Eater. They go there once and we meet the Tortle bagpiper tattoo artist who runs it. His name is Orly. The fandom loses its’ shit.

The ship is named that because of Fjord apparently. He ate some orbs once, so they say.

Fjord also ate a sword once? Was he in a circus? Yasha and that Molly person were in a circus, was Fjord there too?

Jester carries around a an erotica book. Where it comes from no one knows, but it doesn’t seem out of character for her so we roll with it.

They have had an encounter with a dragon, an ancient white one, but they haven’t killed any.

Except maybe they have?

Beau has slept with two (2) whole guest characters.

Jester casts Sending to talk to a guy. Matt answers in a very sexy voice. We think the guy is an NPC. He’s not.

A sweet lady once sent actual letters with actual, physical gifts to them.

After that there are more than a few bets on what other NPC’s are actually guest characters being jaegered for the moment.

Why are they even called the Mighty Nein? The cast explains that it had to do with a session in the early levels when they were rolling a lot of nines, and it sounds funny when Caleb says it. It was probably funny if you were there, but for the fandom it just sounds kinda dumb.

Nott might get some more shipping attention, given that she’s actually a halfling. She also might not, because she’s both married and ugly.

Fjord and Jester still share a deep bond, but the more overt parts of Jester’s crush that were prominent in the earlier episodes seem to have mellowed out by the time we meet them. Fjord and Jester also haven’t, percentage wise, spent more time together as a pair than a group, so that dynamic isn’t really seen. Fjorester exists, but has a very different vibe to it.

Widomauk does not exist.

Beauyasha might exist, if only because they are the only two confirmed wlw in the group. It’s more of an idea until they meet and chemistry can be measured of course.

Beaujester exists, but very much in the ‘look at their emotional chemistry, wouldn’t it be nice’. In a way, not much has changed, you just have less of a basis to ship on.

Fjorclay might be big for a while, given how important Caduceus has been for Fjord’s journey lately.

Videos resurface of the cast playing at home before this campaign became public. Fjord has a Texan accent. Nott calls herself a little goblin girl. That is a really weird Caduceus voice. Life feels strange.

Sam asks Liam on their podcast what would be the worst character to play in D&D, just the worst. Liam suggests goblin. Seems like he was thinking worst as in most morally dubious.

Nott rolls a natural 1 and shoots herself in the foot with her own crossbow. That’s not good, the fandom thinks, what if she got killed doing damage to herself? Besides, that would look really dumb.

We will never know about Spurt.

Jester, Fjord and Yasha got kidnapped by slavers once, we find out alarmingly late. They seem fine though, so that turns into another trivia fact.

Actually no, that’s probably mentioned in passing when they’re explaining how Molly died. It doesn’t really hit home with most if the fandom though.

Unclear where Caleb can teleport to. Generally assumed that he knows at least one teleport circle in the Empire.

In this world Vox Machina probably doesn’t exist at all. At least not online. Maybe they played all of that campaign at home, so we get occasional references to ‘their first game’ or ‘their home game’ but have no context for that either.

In which case you could make a whole category for references to the first campaign we wouldn’t understand.

Like why Taliesin is explaining how the guns work.

Or the ruins of Draconia down south.

Or why the team were so hyped to go to Whitestone.

Or maybe this was their first campaign after all, and none of these things have any additional context.

Nott will be looked at mostly as a halfling mother. Instead of discussions about if she’s even old enough to be an adult she’s considered older than the rest, and a large contingent of the fandom is mad at her for adventuring when she has a child waiting for her at home.

Caleb has at least two homebrew spells. They are eventually referred to as Dunamancy. The fandom realises the level of worldbuilding Matt’s on in that he’s made an entire new school of magic.

Feel free to add more. I’m sure there’s stuff I haven’t considered out there.

[darkelfshadow]

Session Summary - 84

AKA “The Port Of Phlan”

Adventures in Taggriell

Session 84  (Date: 1st May 2020) - Online Session

Players Present:

- Rob (Known as “Varis”) Elf Male.

- Bob (Known as “Sir Krondor) Dwarf Male.

- Paul (Known as “Labarett”) Elf Male.

- Travis (Known as “Trenchant”) Human Male.

- John (Known as “Ragnar”) Dwarf Male.

- Arthur (Known as “Gim”) Dwarf Male.

Absent Players

Nil

NPC

- (Known as “Naillae”) Elf Female. <Controlled by Travis>

Summary

- Wealday, 10th Gozran in the year 815 (Second Era). Early Summer.

- The party begin this session, in the port city of Phlan. Most of the party decide to disguise themselves, except for Sir Krondor, Gim and Labarett who hide in a goods cart drawn by two of the ship’s crew.

- Heading into the port, which is under Cult control, things go immediately awry when Varis gets his coin pouch stolen. Cursing his luck and having no time to find the culprits, the party head over to the far side of the port, being careful to avoid wandering patrols of Cult forces.

- The party arrive at a Manor, marked on the map that Captain Lerustah gave them, as the head quarters of the Order Of The Gauntlet. The Manor is damaged, looking like a large battle occurred here within the last few weeks. Varis, Ragnar, and Labarett enter the Manor and begin searching it but it appears that the manor has been looted.

- Naillae climbs to the rook keeping look out for Cult forces from the streets whilst Sir Krondor and Gim guard the inner courtyard. Gim is expertly forced to the ground in a sudden and skilled manoeuvre, and finds himself looking up into the eyes of an armoured Half-Orc in plate armour, the tip of a long sword pressed into his throat.

- Sir Krondor recognises the tabard over the Half-Orc’s armour as that of the Order Of The Gauntlet, and the Dwarf Knight pulls out his pendant of The Order Of Gauntlet. They learn this skilled knight is Sir Zern Xerkstil, Knight Of The Order Of The Gauntlet, Paladin Of Helm.

- He is the only survivor of the Cult’s attack on the Gauntlet Manor, all the other Knights have been killed. He informs them about what has been happening in the city. Three and half weeks ago the Cult entered and attacked the city, with little actual fighting as most of the Knights Of The Black Fist and Red Plumes Mercenaries, the defenders of the city, immediately turned sides in an apparent pre planned operation. The Knights now call themselves the Knights Of The Tears Of Virulence and have pledged themselves to Vorgansharax (“The Maimed Virulence”), the Ancient Green Dragon that now rules the city in the name of the Cult. Those members of the Knights or Mercenaries that did not join the Cult were killed. The Lord Regent of the city, Knight Commander Ector Brahms was killed as he refused to join the Cult and he and his personal guard died fighting. The Knights are now lead by Sir Cron Bolver, the former Lieutenant to the Field Commander of the Knights, Captain Jhessail Greycastle, who is now missing and presumed dead. The port is now under control of the Cult, who has patrols arresting any armed people or obvious adventures or spell casters.

- Sir Zern also informs the party that there are two resistance groups trying to push the Cult back but so far their separate efforts have been ineffective. One is lead by someone called the Black Knight and the other is lead by someone unknown. He has been unable to contact either of the resistance leaders, as they are conducting quick hit and fade skirmishes to disrupt Cult forces. Sir Zern is not sure what the Cult’s plan are at this stage or why they have taken over Phlan, a remote port with little military value. Sir Zern then gives Sir Krondor a mission to locate and recover an escaped prisoner, a female Drow Assassin called Yustena Karas, who is hiding in the Twilight Marsh. Sir Zern also fills the party in on who might assist them, and gives them information about other contacts within the city.

- Trenchant uses one of his more powerful spells to weave an illusion around each member of the party making them appear as simple locals, in plain clothes. With this new disguise it is unlikely the party will attract the attention of the Cult patrols now. Splitting up, Trenchant, Labarett and Naillae head off to the harbour side of the city whilst the rest of the party head over to the Velvet Doublet Feasthall to meet their local contact.

- Within the Feasthall they meet Rolk, a richly dressed Dwarf, who is the Head of the Merchant’s Guild of Phlan and one of the members of the Lord’s Alliance within the city. Rolk is not initially impressed with the party, especially Gim who insults him, but eventually agrees to deal with them. The merchant businesses within the city are operating as normal, with the Cult simply taking extra taxes, with the only unusual occurrence being that all the gem dealers within town have gone missing and all their gems stolen. Rolk does not believe this is the work of the Cult, nor the local Thieve’s Guild (“The Welcomers”).

- Rolk also tells the party that he can give them horses to ride out of town for the four hour ride to go to the Crossing Inn, located on the edge of the Twilight Marsh, and meet one of his contacts, Rhomsan Kal. Rhomsan is the inn keeper, and has boats waiting for the party to head into the Twilight Marsh. He gives them a map to one of the Lizardfolk villages within the Marsh and tells them to meet Bogclaw, the Chieftain of this village, whom he does trade with, and whom Rolk has paid to assist the party in finding the Lair of Throstulgrael (“Velvet”).

- After speaking to Rolk they leave and head back to the boat to wait for the rest of the party.

- Meanwhile on the harbour side of the port, the rest of the party has entered the Cracked Crown Inn and after a strange meeting with a talking crow, enter into a side room, where the crow turns into a small female Gnome. The party meet Seranolla The Whisperer, Priest of Mielikki and high ranking member of the Emerald Enclave. They learn from her that there is something wrong happening with the land around Phlan, she can feel something is wrong and the land feels it too. There have been reports of weird increases in Will-O-Wisps and she asks Labarett to investigate this for the Emerald Enclave and retrieve a sample of one of the creatures, giving him a Wisp Catcher to do so. She also tells them that Velvet was very visibly sick when the Dragon entered the city recently to meet with Vorgansharax.

- Next they head over to Madame Freona’s Tea & Kettle where they soon discover that all the patrons inside are Harpers. They speak to Olisara Lightsong, a female Moon Elf, and a high ranking member of the Harpers. She tells them about the situation in Phlan and confirms that there is something strange going on with the Cult being here, Phlan has no military significance. She is trying to organise the two separate resistance groups into one under the Harpers, and also find out what the Cult’s plan for being here is. Olisara then gives Trenchant a mission to retrieve the Spell Book, Harper Pin and encrypted code book of a dead Harper that was killed by Velvet. She believes the items must be in the Lair of the Dragon and asks Trenchant to return these items to her.

- Eventually all the party, still disguised as simple locals, reunite back at the Frostskimmr. With only a few hours left of daylight and wishing to take advantage of the powerful illusion spell that disguises the party before the spell ends, they decide to leave immediately. Farewelling Captain Lerustah, they confirm the instructions to the Captain, that if the party do not return in two days then he is to take the ship out of port and head north to the closest river and wait there for two weeks, moving the ship around the bay occasionally to avoid detection.

- The party head back to the Velvet Doublet to see Rolk. As arranged, Rolk gives a horse to each of the party for the ride over to the Crossing Inn. Thanks to Labarett’s gift, the party make the four hour journey in half the time and as the sun sets they arrive at the Crossing Inn.

- Within the Inn they meet Rhomsan and he arranges rooms, food and drink for the party, all of which he puts on Rolk’s tab. He tells them that he has four canoes waiting in the rear shed for them when they are ready to go.

- Sir Krondor asks Rhomsan if he has seen a female Drow and the inn keeper tells the Dwarf Knight he has. About three weeks ago, a female Drow came in during the evening. She bought a meal and a lot of dry food rations then left. Rhomsan didn’t see which direction she travelled once she exited the inn.

- The party get to sleep, readying themselves for the hard day tomorrow.

- Oathday, 11th Gozran in the year 815 (Second Era). Early Summer.

- The party arise early and after a hearty breakfast given by Rhoman, he leads them to the rear shed. Rhomsan looks up to the sky, “Athair will be in full moon tonight.” (Athair is the large blue moon).

- Labarett looks up, “Yes and tomorrow his sister Harell will be in full light too.” (Harell is the small grey moon).

- One of the canoes has been stolen leaving only three.

- Sir Trenchant speaks, “Looks like your missing Drow helped herself to some transport Sir Krondor.”

- The party wave goodbye to Rhomsan and then head off into waters of the Twilight Marsh on the three remaining canoes greeted by black rain clouds that hide the sun and light rains. Again thanks to Labarett, a four hour journey is done in half that time.

- Arriving at the village just as the rains have stopped, the air is filled with large flying glow bugs, the party bear witness to devastation on an immense scale.

- Most of the huts on the island have been destroyed by acid. Dead Lizardfolk - ravaged by acid, claw and teeth - lay scattered all about. It is clear these Lizardfolk have been dead only a few days. Only two lone figures, one large Lizardfolk warrior and a smaller one dressed as a Shaman, move about slowly gathering the bodies in a pile. Both the large warrior and Shaman have savage wounds which look a few days old, and are still healing.

- The party discover that this is Bogclaw. His village was attacked a few days ago by Throstulgrael (“Velvet”) and she killed most of the village. She was angered to learn that Bogclaw had been trading with the humans in Phlan. Bogclaw seeks vengeance for his people and wants the Dragon killed. He directs and instructs the party on how to find the lair of Velvet, set within the ruins of an ancient Temple that once stood as a place of gathering for the Cult Of Dragon Queen.

- The party offer to help tend to the dead of his village, Bogclaw is taken back by this generous offer by “the dry skins” as he refers to humans. Sir Krondor asks the Chieftain if he has seen a female Drow, and he says he has. She snuck into their village during the evening and stole food, tools, and hunting gear two weeks ago. Four of his warriors attempted to track and kill her but they did not return. They found their dead bodies the next morning, each struck with a poisoned crossbow bolt.

- Whilst the party are talking and helping move the dead bodies, one of the trees starts to lurch towards Naillae. The smell of death has attracted one of the marshes more loathsome creatures. As the “tree” moves forward, seemingly come to life, the once motionless form of a Shambling Mound lurches forward. It’s large bulk towers over the party, limbs wider than a man threaten to crush and pull victims towards an open mouth filled with teeth.

- To complicate matters, Will-O-Wisps also descend upon the party, their approach disguised by the many flying glow bugs. The party scatter about now dealing with many threats at once. Labarett pulls out his Wisp Catcher and attempts to catch one of the sly creatures.

- Trenchant animates two large fallen tree trunks and commands them to move over to the Shambling Mound and start attacking it. The rest of the party move around, as the Will-O-Wisps start to appear in greater and greater numbers, arcs of lightning shooting outwards to strike at the party.

- Labarett is struggling to capture the willy creatures. After the party manage to dispatch the Shambling Mound, Trenchant sends his animated tree trunks to try and corner in some of the Will-O-Wisps but this has no effect on the ethereal creatures who can move through solid objects like air.

- The battle is a struggle, until the party take note that Bogclaw and his Shaman are standing perfectly still, making no sounds, and not attacking or provoking the Will-O-Wisps. Following their lead the party quickly dispatch the Will-O-Wisps remaining and then stop moving about and remain silent, no more of the creatures appear.

- Labarett finally captures two of the creatures, after one managed to escape, the Wisp Catcher attuned now to lock away his prize.

<And as the party catch their breath after that unusual battle, that is the end of the session.>

XP Allocation

Group - Combined (This is equally divided by the number of players who were involved)

Quests (Only quests that are completed or rendered undoable, during this session, are shown here)

- Avoid Detection by Cult Patrols = 500 XP

- Locate Contact (Order Of Gauntlet) Sir Zern = 100 XP

- Locate Contact (Merchant’s Guild) Rolk = 100 XP

- Locate Contact (Emerald Enclave) Seranolla = 100 XP

- Locate Contact (Harpers) Olisara = 100 XP

Creatures Overcome

- Shambling Mound = 1800 XP

- Will-O-Wisps = 4500 XP

Individual (This is only given to that person and is not divided amongst all players)

Special Bonus (Outstanding Role Playing)

Nil

XP Levels and Player Allocations

Player : Start +  Received = Total  (Notes)

Rob : 105450 +1028 = 106475

Arthur : 84004 +1028 = 85032 (Level up to Level 11)

John : 78284 +1028 = 79312

Travis : 96398 +1028 = 97426

Paul : 85274 +1028 = 86302

Bob : 94141 +1028 = 95169

NPC (Naillae) : + (514)

[arrogant-hair]

Throwing Back The Apple: The fiction of Carmel Bird.

From the pages of Carmel Bird’s 2004 novel, Cape Grimm, come dark and disturbing images of elemental and charismatic evils set on an island Eden tainted with blood. That Eden is Tasmania — wild and beautiful, but redolent with a history of atrocity, massacre, and murder. The paradox of Tasmania’s beauty, and it’s relation of generational brutality, has led a lot of writers to use it as a setting to explore gothic themes. The paradox is a profoundly powerful metaphor in the work of Tasmanian native, Bird’s work.

“Tasmania is attractive to other writers who are not from within it, but also see the possibility of the Gothic there,” says Carmel Bird. “But Tasmanian writers like Richard Flanagan and myself can’t help ourselves and have to write about it. There’s an urgency in my wanting to write about how I feel about Tasmania, because so much is written about it that’s on the surface and isn’t concerned with, nor bound up with, the heart of the matter.”

The heart of the matter is found in Tasmania’s disturbing colonial history — beginning with the transportation of English and Irish convicts to the settlement in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. “It’s a straight historical line that can be traced,” says Bird. “British and Irish prisoners were sent there for two reasons. One was to get rid of them. That, at least, is the popular line that had been taken on them. But reading between the lines it’s clear that there was a second, and real, economic reason for it. They were sent to claim and farm the land. Apparently it would have been much cheaper to keep them on the floating prison hulks in London.”

The birth of colonial Australia was brutal and murderous. A remote island situated at the bottom of a colonially unexplored land led to the basest aspects of human nature coming to the fore, which find their echoes in Bird’s fiction; “This very distant, very beautiful island — part of the Great Southern Land became the location of a contained form of cruelty and oppression. On top of that there was the massacre of the indigenous peoples who were all but removed. Because it’s an island, because it’s small, because it’s concentrated, and because it’s so far from everything, and hangs off Australia in the middle of nowhere going to the South Pole, it’s the perfect locus for dumping the darkness in the human imagination; particularly of the Western World. For a very long time it has literally been a location of horror.”

Cape Grimm delves into the dark side of that human imagination with the story of Caleb Mean — a cult leader and mass murderer. Caleb is the third protagonist in a series of books (the Mandala Trilogy) that explore the charisma of evil. “I did set up to write a novel about a charismatic evil man, and then a charismatic evil woman, and finally a charismatic evil child,” says Bird. The two previous books The White Garden and Red Shoes are substantial works depicting the seductive allure inherent in power, and the abuse thereof. Weaved into the narratives are fairy tales and classical mythology — stories of saints and madmen, little mermaids, and sleeping beauties.

Fairy tales have always been a strong source of inspiration for Bird; “I was much nourished and inspired by the Brothers Grimm, and the stories of Hans Christian Andersen — lots of Norse myths and the like. They were fascinating and troubling. These tales have lodged in my imagination and my heart and have informed much of what I have written ever since. When I was constructing Cape Grimm, and because so much of it is concerned with children, I felt I was allowed to include the whole narratives of those stories as something upon which my work floats.”

In Cape Grimm and Red Shoes Bird retells such tales in an appendix devoted to the myths, metaphors, and stories that inspire and bind the narratives of the novels. The connection to the fairy tale world and Tasmania — a place likened to such a landscape — is essential for the author. “The thing about Cape Grimm is that there is a place called Cape Grim in Tasmania. It has always fascinated me and I had always connected it to the Brothers Grimm, so I decided I would write a novel that made that connection… Ever since I was a child I have been alert to, and collecting, passing references to Tasmania in fiction and non-fiction. Such references characterise it the way we may characterise Timbuktu or somewhere as this weird, distant, funny, dangerous, dark nothing-place.”

It is Carmel Bird’s consummate skill that binds so many narratives and metaphors together to create stories of exquisite and visceral unease. Yet, within the stories lies a profound beauty and grace which she reveals with fine prose. Like the island of paradoxes that inspires her, Bird’s writing is filled with the dualities of dark and light, attraction and repulsion, and, most importantly — fascination.

Nadine Whitney.

Interview and publication 2004. Fiend Magazine.

[eye-of-enigmatic-thought]

Drew some things from a dream/nightmare I had in the morning of the third of October.

Basically, the dream took place in this city where there would be these 'parades' at night with all sorts of cool looking vehicles (Turbo from wreck it ralph included lmao) and those hockey soldier statues. Sometimes however, there would be tripods (yes, THOSE tripods) that would come along and prompted everyone to hide indoors from them, unlike in that 2005 War of the Worlds where they come from, the tripods here were silent and also were much more taller, they also never killed anyone either, just prompted everyone to go hide in doors at their appearance and lights, they were also called ‘Quads’. 

There was I think the theme of an alien invasion and a cult (I think weirdly enough fucking Turbo was idk, like a mascot for them or something???) that I think also were called the 'Quads'. At a point me and another guy went to that weird island to ask for help from the saucer to defeat the Quads, and it reveals that it was the leader of the Quads but is now gonna help us because idk and that it was Cyber Godzilla all along (like, the one from that old american animated series) but can't be it's true form anymore due to now becoming weak and turned into that toothy wave (which is actually more terrifying but okay cyber godzilla space saucer)

Some more details of the dream and these drawings under the cut.

First drawing: This area was a common scene in the dream, the stairs would lead to an indoor shelter that resembled either a facility or a school. There was also that green hexagonal glass panelling that went around the stairs, probably to deter the tripod ‘Quads’ lights when people were rushing inside. The area on top of the stairs was also connected to a street where ‘parades’ would commonly take place until a Quad interrupted it.

Second drawing: These guys were huge animate statues that held hockey sticks and I think were also soldiers that took part in the parades, one very bizarre detail I remember is that they were in an mostly all-white colouring, but the reason for their colouring was actually the result of pigeons crapping all over them! XD

Third drawing: The island with the mysterious flesh saucer. One detail I also remember was this large missile (or was it? I don’t remember) that was a part of it that was lodged into it at the side. Similar to that one chao garden in Sonic Adventure that was in the Egg Carrier.

Fourth Drawing: Played around with the flesh saucer, since it could transform, I played around with it’s design :)

Fifth Drawing: Quick drawing of a tripod and a ‘redesign’ I did, I accidentally made the the redesign look uh... kinda phallic but w/e.

Sixth Drawing: The ‘toothy wave’ that the flesh saucer transformed into, apparently it’s its incomplete form and it’s final form is cyber godzilla:

I mean... cool I guess???

Seventh Drawing: Turbo from Wreck it Ralph, who would commonly appear in the ‘parades’. One other detail I remember that I didn’t mention above is that Turbo only appeared in the parades in this... kinda hallucinogenic way? Sometimes whenever there was a vehicle in the parade, it would very briefly phase into Turbo before turning back into whatever it was before, like I was briefly looking into a different dimension where the vehicle was Turbo and his cart or he very briefly replaced the vehicle. I guess Turbo was this kind of... weird mischievious spirit??? I have no idea.

Eighth Drawing: An example of a ‘cultist’ I saw, they wore mostly red and white clothing. They were also I think called ‘Quads’, so maybe they had a connection to the tripod Quads? Again, Turbo was their mascot or they worshipped Turbo in some way, why tf does Turbo have a cult? I have no idea.

Ninth Drawing: The ‘other guy’ that I went to that island with. They were a teenage androgynous fellow (same age as me, so around 19 or so) that I think was also Indian. In terms of personality, they were streetwise and sarcastic, but they were still well meaning and also was a bit of a fan of conspiracy theories. They were overall a good friend to me, even if they were just from a dream.

Tenth and eleventh drawing: Some of my redesigns for the tripod Quads. Again, they look uuuh... pretty phallic. Still, I think they look kinda cool? Maybe I can use them for something one day.

[catastrophe-conglomerate]

Elemental Affairs - Session 3

Our new session opens once again in the Amaranth, the tavern where we ended last time. Shayla, the little half-orc half-elven girl, is still with us, and we’re about to take her back home. It will be about 2,5 days of walking so we want to prepare well.

Smurp and Rei stay with Shayla in the Amaranth while the rest of the Conglomerate – Hadall, Trick, Lynnae, Laraëssil and Cassandra – leave for the blacksmith. Hadall wants some new armor before he leaves and Lynnae is looking for new gloves to prevent her hands from leaking fire all the time. Hadall buys a beautiful piece of scale mail while Lynnae gets two pairs of sturdy, leather working gloves.

After making their final preparations, the Catastrophe Conglomerate heads out of Runar to walk to the Kaffar Forest. The first day of the journey goes by without anything particularly weird happening, although on the second day the party encounters a group of three: a copper dragonborn, a gnome and an earth genasi. They rush over and immediately reveal why they’re here: it’s a group of druids from Shayla’s clan and they’ve been looking to bring her home. After explaining to them that we were really, really not the ones who kidnapped the child, they decide to take us to the Elderberry Clan. The dragonborn is named Shira, the gnome is named Kith and finally, the earth genasi’s name is Fiora.

At the end of the second day of the journey, the three druids decide to make a campsite out of vines, manipulating nature to create a beautiful little vine nook that we can safely sleep in. Cassandra doesn’t quite like it and sleeps outside of the nook, but the others sit around the campfire to talk while Shayla is already asleep.

Lynnae keeps leafing through the notes in her journal, going over the names of the other cultist leaders again and again but she hasn’t heard about any of them and it’s frustrating her to all-hell. As the druids might know more, she decides to ask them about Vurryl, Blatrenn and Falk. The last name rings a bell for Kith: they reveal that Falk is a horrifying criminal from Kyllm, the type of man that the locals tell horror stories about. With this new information, the group deduces that if that’s true, Vurryl and Blatrenn are likely just as bad.

Finally, after the campfire dies out, the group goes to sleep.

As she wakes up with a start Lynnae realizes her mistake from earlier: how she sent the crystal away and might have brought great danger upon not only her sister Kara (who she hasn’t seen in six years), but also her friends. She panics completely but refuses to tell the others what she’s so bothered about, instead simply blaming it on “bad thoughts”. After a Calm Emotions spell from Trick and a cup of herbal tea from Fiora, she calms down enough to carry on with the journey to the Elderberry Clan although her mistake weighs heavily on her mind – there is no way she can catch up to the courier to intercept the letter.

The group heads into the thick of the forest now. On their last stretch to the clan, the now slightly bigger group encounters a high elven man who definitely looks agitated. He’s wearing rather neat clothes and is carrying a snapped longbow. When asked about what he’s so pissed about he starts ranting that a silver fox broke his longbow in half – his gaze then falls on Trouble, Trick’s fox. He immediately points his finger at the fox with the silver pelt and blames Trouble. Trick Mends his bow but he’s still not done, even nocking an arrow to his bow to shoot Trouble down.

At that moment, a big silver fox jumps out of the undergrowth. When the hunter realizes that was actually the fox he was talking about he shifts his aim to the newcomer. Shira transforms into a huge black bear and chases the man off. The big silver fox then transforms into an air genasi girl, she’s also part of the clan and her name is Breeze. She seems to be a mischievous one. One short walk later, we find the clan in the heart of the forest, a huge open clearing with tents, nature, and a great number of people.

They crowd around the party, thanking us excessively for bringing Shayla home and keeping her safe. Then suddenly, the crowd parts to allow but a beautiful woman of elven descent to approach us. Her name is Llenwyr, she is the leader of the Elderberry Clan and very thankful. She also reveals that her son Ceindenn (who had also been captured by the cult) returned to them a few days ago on his own accord. He’s about 12 years old and a halfdrow. Shayla’s parents also come forward with thanks.

We go into Llenwyr’s tent to discuss the situation. She reveals that the cult that kidnapped Shayla has slowly but steadily been gaining influence in Hruhkis. They target the elementally attuned, like divine casters and genasi. There are apparently a lot more of them out there: the group we exterminated was not even near all of them.

After the conversation (and Llenwyr’s promise that we can stay the night) we head back out, the rest of the day is ours. Cas wanders around, looking for silence and some private training. Lynnae starts putting the finishing touches on the healing potion she has been working on and Laraëssil searches for rocks and gems to turn into beautiful little charms.

Here’s where it gets hilarious: Hadall and Trick decide to spar. Hadall (the half-orc Hadall who stands at 6’5”) and Trick (the tiniest tiny of them all) decide. To. Spar.

Trick gets the first turn and immediately hits Hadall with a Guiding Bolt, at which Hadall goes into a frenzy. However, he keeps missing his swings with the axe. Trick decides to up the confusion a bit more and invokes duplicity. Both her duplicate and herself start dancing suggestively and Hadall literally takes psychic damage from that. Again, he misses his swing – Trick casts Inflict Wounds and keeps using Vicious Mockery with her suggestively dancing duplicate.

In the meantime, a crowd of druids has formed around the two and Cassandra is collecting bet money from them.

Hadall gets REKT, but rises back to his feet with his orc powers, yells at Trick that she’s grounded and goes to the nearby brook to wash up and wallow in self-pity.

Lynnae finally finishes her healing potion shortly after Hadall’s ego is smashed into pieces.

Finally, after this long day, the group goes to sleep in their tents.

When the morning comes, the party awakens in the camp. The druids are happily going about their mornings or cooking breakfast, and before long we join in on the good food and say our goodbyes. However, once we want to leave Llenwyr comes over to us and says that we won’t have to travel back so far. She opens a portal inside a tree, we run through and end up in a place that’s about thirty minutes away from Runar on foot.

We now head to Huna, Runar’s town elder, to pick up Ortay and bring him back to his home in Tyreh. Lynnae splits off from the group so she can pay a visit to the post office while the rest goes to Huna. Ortay is in good spirits, and when he sees Hadall still limping from his smackdown at Trick’s hands he simply giggles and says Hadall’s silly.

Lynnae in the meantime sends another letter, but this time to her old mentor Theodred Araynore. She often sends him some gold because he’s old and can’t work for money anymore. With a lighter coin purse she returns to the party.

As they pass by the Amaranth on the way to the edge of town, they find Ella, the tavern owner, basking in the sunlight outside. She quickly gives Hadall a slip of paper. Hadall briefly elaborates that it’s about something he asked about earlier, and subsequently leaves it be.

The group exits Runar and heads to the border of Fass and Tyreh to cross over to Tyreh, the region of Water. As they approach the border Lynnae takes out her crystal and asks the group if they can try out to see whether or not the walkie crystalkies connect cross-regionally. They apparently do, which Lynnae is quite happy about but the rest not so much, still unaware that Lyn has sent her first crystal away and is seeking to connect to her sister in another region.

The walk to the port town takes the entire morning. Hadall knows the place very well, he was once stranded in this town after he shipwrecked and washed ashore. Lyn freaks out upon hearing this and wants to get on the ferry to the next island less than ever. Hadall calms her a little and then reveals to the group that there is actually a brothel in this town, named the Siren’s Nest. There’s also a loud and busy tavern that sailors visit to get hammered.

Before the party starts doing their own things, Hadall buys us the tickets to the ferry from the captain of the boat, a water genasi man named Dartal. The ferry is gigantic and apparently powered with glowing cores of arcane power to propel it forward.

After receiving her ticket to the ferry and hearing that it will take another two hours before it will depart, Cassandra happily goes to the brothel with a spring in her step while the rest gets lunch at the busy tavern. Trick is drinking while Hadall and Lyn argue about water. Two hours later, though, when the ferry is about to depart, Cas is still getting laid in the brothel and the group tries screaming into their crystals to try to convince her to come back before the ferry leaves. Cassandra throws her crystal in the corner and goes on, until eventually, Hadall and Trick burst into the room where she’s “having fun” to drag her away. Hadall and Trick reunite with the rest, accompanied by a very frazzled Cassandra.

Most of the party gets on the boat without a problem but Lyn, with her morbid hydrophobia, tries every excuse she can possible think of to not have to get on. The knowledge that she’ll end up alone if she doesn’t go eventually wins her over, as well as another Calm Emotions spell from Trick.

The boat has three decks, the top deck being reserved for the staff. On the common deck, the Catastrophe Conglomerate once again encounters the party led by the half-orc Cuzar. We remember him well from our first time arriving in Wyntir, he was the one who killed the golden dragon in the mountains.

Lynnae expresses a deep wish to punch him, Trick encourages her while Hadall holds her back. One of Cuzar’s party members seems to have picked up on this and takes Cuzar over to us.

Lynnae goes off, I guess. Losing her self-control, she starts yelling at Cuzar that the dragon didn’t have to die, that it hadn’t killed anyone and that it was merely guarding the mountain, at which Cuzar retorts that since it was a fucking dragon, it was bound to have killed someone. He is just doing what he thinks is right. He even goes on by saying that there is apparently a dragonturtle wreaking havoc in Tyreh, and that he intends to off that one as well. The rest of Cuzar’s party joins his side and Lynnae and the human in his party share an angry staring contest. Just as Lynnae lights her hands on fire with the intention of attacking, Hadall disperses the situation.

After the mood has been lifted a little, Cuzar introduces his party: the human is named Nafa Bhannon, there is a water genasi named Drown, a drow who goes by Kal and a tiefling who’s name is Hunt.

Hadall mentions there’s nothing like a bit of alcohol to bring people together, so the two parties gather around a table and get a round of drinks. When Lyn buys Nafa an ale in order to make up for her bitching from before, Drown actually starts glaring daggers at the human sorcerer, even going so far as to bare her teeth at Lyn. Hadall notices what’s going on: Drown seems to have a thing for Nafa. He then tells Lyn to buy Hunt an ale and talk to them instead of Nafa. When Lyn does this, it seems to calm the water genasi down and she turns her attention to Trick instead. Lara and Kal try to converse but it turns awkward really quickly, as well as the conversation between Lyn and Hunt.

Sooooo Trick and Cas call for a game of strip poker to grind that awkwardness to a halt because that has never gone wrong ever. Drown, Cuzar and Hunt happily join in (while Smurp quickly gets Ortay out of there because he is entirely too young for this). Since Cas and Trick are both masterful at sleight of hand, they manage to stay clothed the longest, with Trick being the grand winner. Lara and Cuzar have a bit of flirting going on. Lara blushes, Cuzar winks, and he’s got great tattoos which Lara happily compliments him on (CUZARA 4EVER). Unfortunately, Cas is getting seasick, but Trick manages to heal it.

A few hours later we are finally approaching Tergen, which is Tyreh’s largest island. The port town we’re headed for is named Tyressil, which happens to be one of the cultists’ hiding places (I know I wrote Kyressil in the last summary but I suck at typing okay? It’s called Tyressil). The ship docks at the bustling port town, which is one of the few lively places in Tyreh: most of the settlements are rather isolated.

There are two taverns in Tyressil: one is called the Defiant Ship and the other the Rotten Dahlia. Since we just said goodbye to Cuzar and his party and they’re headed for the Defiant Ship, we choose to go to the Rotten Dahlia instead because we don’t want to make it awkward. The Rotten Dahlia is a shifty tavern for shifty people, and while no one inside is wearing a crystal around their neck, there are a ton of hooded and cloaked figures. Cas loves the atmosphere – these are her kind of people.

The barkeep is a water genasi woman, we get some drinks and tea. As we toast, Lara notices that one of the figures is keeping a very close eye on the walkie crystalkie in Lynnae’s hand. Lara uses her telepathic powers to try to connect to him, prying into his mind to see if he’s a part of the cult or not. The dude is not, but now that he’s “hearing voices” he freaks out and runs out of the tavern. Cassandra and Trick follow, soon followed by the rest of the party except for Rei and Smurp, who stay with Ortay. The man pulls a dagger, frightened to shit, he only wanted to make some extra coin and had no other bad intentions. Before we can do anything he BOLTS and vanishes into an alleyway. Good job, Catastrophe Conglomerate, way to traumatize a man on your first day in a new city.

We go back into the tavern and talk with Ortay about the place where he lives. He happily muses about his hometown on the island of Pasekar. There is a water genasi village there, and that’s where he lives. We decide to stay in the Dahlia despite the fact it’s shifty as hell, with Lynnae and Lara keeping watch.

Lynnae’s watch goes by without trouble but as the two magicians switch places, Lynnae says there’s something she wants to talk about. Since Lara knows a lot about the arcane, Lyn figured Lara would be the best person to ask. The fire sorceress has been struggling with worries ever since they found out about the cult and the ritual, the uncertainty of what would have happened to her and her powers if the cultists had succeeded is eating away at her. Lara assures Lyn that she likely has nothing to be afraid of: the cultists are targeting genasi and druids and Lynnae is neither. While the sorcerer has had Wild Magic her entire life, she is not elementally attuned in the same way that divine casters and genasi are. This puts Lynnae’s mind to rest and she goes to sleep. During Lara’s watch, she is actually robbed of two gold pieces when she’s not paying attention.

The next morning, Trick gives Laraëssil the slip of paper that the password to the cultist dungeon was written on, and Lara manages to decipher it: Karr Zhuh means “Many Eyed”. Lynnae immediately goes through her notes and finds the cultist journal entries that spoke so highly of someone named the Many Eyed. It appears to be more of a title than a name, however.

We head to the other tavern now, the Defiant Ship. Hadall has definitely been here quite often, the bartender greets him happily (albeit with a different name than Hadall) and gives him a drink on the house. Her name is Rosa Blackwater, she is apparently married to a dragonborn woman named Karresh. We ask her about the cultists and the island in Tyreh that apparently sunk beneath the waves, but she hasn’t heard of either. Hadall then passes her a note, and the people he has been looking for passed through very recently.

She does, however, know more about the dragonturtle Cuzar told the Conglomerate about. Dragonturtles are actually known to be violent and rowdy creatures, capable of great destruction. Hadall mentions to Rosa that we want to go to Pasekar to bring Ortay home, but Rosa says that the waters are extremely rough for the season and that tiny boats are unsafe at the moment. We still decide on going to Pasekar, and we head to the docks to rent a foamdrifter, also called a fjullgan, which is a tiny, arcane-powered boat often used in Tyreh.

The person who rents out fjullgans to people keeps pressuring us that the waters are unsafe to travel on right now, and that he wants his boats back undamaged. Hadall knows how to sail a fjullgan, however. After a bit of back-and-forth and some haggling, we finally get ourselves a foamdrifter. Lyn has no intention of getting wet and turns herself aquatic with the Alter Self spell. This is just enough for her to be able to get on.

The islands of Tyreh drift around, along with the current of the ocean: Pasekar – a very circular island – is supposed to be to the south west right now and it should take the Catastrophe Conglomerate about four days to reach Pasekar. Hadall takes the steer, Lara is on lookout and Trick navigates. Even though on the third day of the journey Trick loses sight of where they are at the moment (despite the fact she pretends everything is fine regardless), on the fourth day we see the shores of Pasekar and finally arrive. Lynnae gets off the boat as fast as she can possibly muster, walks to the other side of the docks and promptly throws up.

Ortay recognizes the village where we have landed, he’s bouncing up and down from the excitement of being so close to home. It’s late, however, and we want to get some rest before finally bringing him home. We go to the local tavern – the Water Lily – and order seafood.

The next morning Ortay is doing everything he possibly can to wake the party up, he really can’t wait to get home. After a quick breakfast we leave the Water Lily and start making the trek to Ortay’s home. The boy leads us along the path, he’s not exactly sure how long the walk will take. He also says he has lost track of how long he has been away, recounts how scary people came into the village and took him and others.

It doesn’t take too long for us to reach the village, which is a village where the general population is comprised of mostly water genasi like Ortay. However, we get some very strange looks from the public upon our arrival. Finally, a water genasi named Auk steps up and asks us about what the fuck we’re doing with Ortay. They think we are the kidnappers, and to make matters worse the other genasi seem to share this idea. Two genasi girls guard us while the town elder is fetched. When Ortay asks the girls about his parents, a silence falls. Before anyone can explain, though, the town elder – a water genasi by the name of Rautan – approaches. When we are once again met by distrust, Cas loses her cool, shouting that we evidently brought “that little asshole” home and that she won’t take being treated like this.

At last, the genasi decide to trust us and we’re brought to a small building: it’s a shelter for those who were attacked when the cultists came. Many young children without parents are there, as well as wounded and displaced genasi. In the attack, many were killed and taken. At the moment there are five more genasi missing from the village: Crest, Ylra, Noahkim, Sylt and Tide. Lynnae quickly jots the names down in her journal so the party can search for them later.

Ortay again asks for his parents, at which one of the girls from before takes him away from the group to play with him and distract him a little. His parents were unfortunately among those who were killed.

Someone notes that the crystals we wear around our necks are awfully similar to those that the cultists had when they attacked, but after we explain how they work and give a little demonstration that part of the distrust is also removed. We also promise to use them solely for messaging purposes and nothing nefarious.

Lara takes one of the charms she made while with the Elderberry Clan and gives it to Ortay, it’s a beautiful charm made from a blue gemstone, carefully shaped to look like a wave on the sea. Ortay happily accepts it, and we leave the village to head back to the port town.

On our way back we are suddenly stopped by Auk, the genasi from before. They say they’ve changed their mind about us, and that they want to do the right thing and join us. They’re not particularly strong but they want to give it a go regardless, to bring the ones that harmed his people to justice. We agree, and with that Auk joins us. We return to the Water Lily, where we started our travel that morning, and sleep through the night.

The next morning we get back on our fjullgan to sail back to Tyressil. The first day goes by without much ado although we do hit some rocks and damage the boat a little. On the middle of the second day, however, after again ramming some rocks in the water, we see that a ship is headed in our direction – and it’s not a merchant ship. Soon enough it becomes clear that these guys are pirates and even a warning from Trick (“We’re not some kind of floating brothel!”) doesn’t slow them down. Lynnae hurls a Firebolt in their direction to intimidate them, though it goes wide. As a retaliation the pirates fire their crossbows, hitting Auk square in the chest. Again Lyn casts a Firebolt, she hits the ship full-on but the spell is too weak to damage the boat or set it alight.

We roll initiative.

Hadall goes absolutely crazy, skewering pirate after pirate with his javelins and even jumping onto the ship later on to axe off those who weren’t hit by the spears. Trick’s duplicate does a ton of necrotic damage on the captain and she even gets the “how do you want to do this?” of the battle. Auk makes their first kill and is visibly traumatized by that. In an effort to shoot down the last pirates with another Firebolt, Lynnae accidentally smashes it against Hadall’s back.

After finishing off the last of the pirates, the Catastrophe Conglomerate climbs aboard of their newly captured vessel. There’s a lot of loot on board, including 10 gemstones (which Lara happily confiscates), a ton of coin and 2 spell scrolls. Lyn takes the Chromatic Orb spell scroll while Trick takes Bless. Now with their new boat (and the fjullgan drifting behind on a rope), the party makes for Tyressil once more. With that, the session comes to an end.

[petiteredlady]

This is not spoiler-free

I finally saw Yuukyuu no Toki today ! I had a seat almost at the very back of the hall but I still had a pretty nice view of the whole stage. And given how small the hall was, I'm happy I got a seat at all^^ Sambart93 already posted a pretty detailed summary of the stage so I won't go into that much detail about the plot. (Especially since I usually watch Messiah DVDs with my dictionary, so it was harder to follow live XD)

I don’t have a scanner but I’ll see if I can find a good scanner app to share the pamphlet pictures. They’re gorgeous.

Yuukyuu was better than I expected, but I didn't expect a lot to be honest. The "new" Messiah series hasn't convinced me so far. I thought Akatsuki and Polar Night had too many plots with little impact on one another, too many characters, and consequently a lack of focus on character development. I found many returning characters OOC, too. And I liked about half of the new characters^^

BUT I thought Yuukyuu actually did better ! There are still too many plots and too many characters, but at least there was some sort of link between them all. Like Ariga and Itsuki's graduation mission is to kill Ichijima, who is pretending to ally with the Hanged Man, who's based around the Tower of Babel, which is the target of a more general Sakura mission. And the two runaways have a way to hack into the Tower of Babel. Cheka also associating with the Hanged Man was... weird, but given how he ended up in Akatsuki I can believe it. The only thing that felt really out of place was Salyut looking for his father among the Spectres. Like, why now and not while he was working with Cheka ? Why does he have a partner if it's not an official mission ? What's the link with everything else ? I'm sure we'll have answers later, but that's also a thing with the new Messiah : they're too aware they're a series and are bad at foreshadowing ans cliffhangers. In the previous series, while stories were evolving, each stage was a complete story. So yeah, not that it important, but it felt very random.

And despite having too many characters, I thought most of them were well developped. Returning characters did not feel OOC this time ! (Especially Ichijima. I had been so disappointed in Akatsuki and Polar Night despite him being like my second favourite character.) Yugi and Mayo-sama got just the right amount of cryptic discussions to be interesting and likeable while I really didn't like them before. Hinamori's introduction was so, so, so random (almost like Ichijima pulled the first guy passing by and decided he'd be Kogure's Messiah XD), but he had a great personality and Yamamoto Ikkei was so good at playing him, I loved him instantly. I think he and Kogure have great potential to work together !! And I also liked Kogure starting as his usual self and slowly losing it throughout the play ! That gave him depth he didn't necessarily have before. Kuroko and Dr Three were good surprises too. I've been gradually warming up to Kuroko but in general I just find him cringy +_+ And here I think there was just the right balance between comic relief and actual character. He was a great leader for Sakura and I was glad to see Ichijima acknowledge that ! (Actually they were pretty friendly with each other in this play, I was surprised.) Dr Three was still mostly the same character, but I liked that he eventually played along with Kuroko's antics ! He did feel like that kind of character before, and I'm glad he's now allowed to be a bit silly too. Finally, I expected to not care about the two runaways, but they were very very cute. They felt like stereotypical shounen protagonists, though, with their promise from long ago of one day leaving the island together XD I'd be ok with not seeing them ever again, but they weren't the annoyance I feared. I think they were also portrayed very well, because I felt a lot of things from them despite them not having too much stage time. (I was delighted to see Murata Mitsu, but I'm 0 % ok with the plot twist of him actually being an old friend of Ariga =_=)(But that's me generally disagreeing with every new Messiah story XD)(That's a trend they have now where everyone is related to everyone and just NO.)(And having Ariga kill him, even with Itsuki, goes against all the character development he’s had since he killed Mamiya ! He said NEVER AGAIN ><)

Actually, in addition to the "everyone is related" terrible idea, they should really leave alone the people who are gone. Like why did Mamoru and Kaito have to have helped several times in significant ways during this stage ? Aren't there MORE THAN ENOUGH CHARACTERS who could do the job ? And just STOP WITH MAMIYA. Mamiya had an amazing story with a great conclusion, I loved it, but they're really destroying everything that was great about it by just adding and adding. Itsuki trying to play the violin was both OOC and extremely cruel. Good thing he got shot before he could really play, despite it meaning that Ariga has now shot ANOTHER violin-playing Messiah T__T

Other random things I wrote down :

- At several points during the stage I laughed because I wanted to do the Messiah drinking game where you finish your drink when someone should have died from gun shots XD There were SO MANY people who were shot at close range in pretty vital areas and still survived. Sometimes still stood and talked. Special mention to the Hanged Man, who was double shotted by Itsuki and Ariga and still got up to talk then shoot himself XD Honorable mentions : Itsuki, Ariga, Kogure and Mayo-sama ! (And maybe Ichijima. My goodness, my heart stopped when I thought he was shot dead +_+)

- Ichijima and Kogure went full CLAMP on us, with the only important part of their discussion being whispered in Kogure's ear >o< But omg I was so impressed, because from the beginning there were people speculating on the internet that Ichijima and Kogure were related and I was just rolling my eyes like "Come on, just because he has glasses..." AND YET ! That's what Kogure wanted to ask Ichijima O_O And it was obvious enough that Ichijima guessed it O_O

- Hinamori stole the show for me XD Instantly. And yet his first appearance has him getting into a face-grabbing match with Kuroko XD (He called him Momose-chan and that was the cutest thing ever, too.) I'm forever sad I didn't get exactly WHY he resented Ichijima, though T__T Well, the DVD and my dictionary will be there in due time XD

- Yugi and Mayo-sama managed to break my heart in one conversation. With Yugi saying god doesn't exist and he wants to kill the 'divine child' who lead the cult he was part of. I didn't think he'd open up that much. And Mayo looked so so depressed, but also relieved, because he wants to be killed by Yugi >o< I don't know why him specifically, but apparently Mayo is tired of the fact that he can't die, an interesting twist for a guy with the same curse as Eiri. (Though in Mayo's case it might be litteral XD)

- At the end of the play I almost thought Ariga was really going to kill Ichijima, but then he beautifully mirrored the scene at the beginning when Ichijima spared and recruited him <3<3 Amazing. Thank you Ariga.

- During the play I kept thinking "well Murata Mitsu isn't that tall actually, Nakahara Yuuya and Izawa Yuuki come really close". Then when they were all lined up to bow, I realised that no, he is really really tall, more than anyone else XD

- Itsuki and Ariga's post-graduation outfits were super cool. I loved Ariga's flowing coat and Itsuki had a nice wild style. That made the girls next to me feel better, because during the second half of the play they were all crying XD (I wasn't. But I was gasping a lot^^)

- ... Yamaoki Yuuki is a father ???? I didn't know that. He was the one who had a special speech for the curtain call, and he told us about his son and I was like "YOU'RE THE SAME AGE AS MY LITTLE BROTHER YOU CAN'T HAVE A BABY". Hashimoto Shinichi and Yamamoto Ikkei made fun of him and at some point he lost his train of thoughts XD Then the same thing happened when Izawa Yuuki was speaking and Sugie Taishi was being silly behind his back XD

.... There were other things but this has gotten long enough already^^

[morethanonepage]

Poe - 10 and 25, Cassian - 22 and 33?

10. ART

Oh man what a question for the Star Wars verse! I think there must be such a beautiful rich cultural history and field of study on What Is Art and who produces it and thousands of essays about Imperial Aesthetics vs Old Republic vs New Republic, and that’s just like….paintings and sculptures and stuff. But broader art like plays and music and television and film….

But anyway: Poe based! Because the way I picture Yavin IV, it’s at such a weird intersection between ancient history (so,the art was a lot of representational murals in the temples, etc) and modern New Republic mythology (the Cradle of the New Republic, seeing as it’s where some of the earliest victories of the Rebellion happened). Like there’s probably so much iconography about that medal awards ceremony alone! So I assume Poe’s been exposed to a lot of really laudatory, beautiful, inspirational art about The Glory of the Rebellion and The New Republic and all of that. But he’s also growing up in a place with really, really ancient depictions of the Massassi people, who were apparently warriors themselves, and who were defeated by the Sith thousands of years previously. 

So there’s those two different perspectives on war and even Poe’s identity, which could’ve been shaped by the art he found himself surrounded by: we know there’s a lot of ancient Massassi stuff still around Yavin IV (the giant heads, the temples obvs), PLUS there’s all the New Republic stuff (like I just cannot imagine that Base One has not become a museum, full of murals about the victory of the Rebellion and all the brave soldiers who fought for freedom, in the interim). And that’s probably why his place in the struggle is so obvious to him and why he sees himself as part of that legacy – he saw it depicted around him in the most emotional way. 

Plus also generally I assume Poe’s a nerd and loves going to museums on other planets and learning what their residents consider beautiful and artistic. 

25. RELIGION

I had a line in the travelogue about Poe not finding much use in religion past the age of eight (which is when Shara died) and I think that’s about where I am with it – Shara uses “may the Force be with you” at least once (maybe twice?) so I picture her as a little bit more of a follower in that regard, but something about the Dameron men makes me think they’re both more the functionally agnostic type. Partly because I’m resistant to the knee-jerk “oh they’re latinx, they must be space catholic devout” thing, and also partly because Kes especially seems like such an earth bound, simple person in the best of ways: he doesn’t have the time for the big spiritual questions or living up to some imposed metaphysical standards, he has a son to raise and a farm to run and a life to live, all of which he has to deal with after the love of his life died so brutally young. It’s the kind of thing that’ll make you lose any faith you might’ve had, y’know?

And Poe, well. I think he partly takes after his dad (and looks up to his dad) on that respect, and also probably heard “the Force works in mysterious ways” too much as a child after his mom died, and was like fuck it. 

22. FAMILY.

AHHHHHHHHHHH you have opened up a real can of worms here.

Ok so: based entirely on my personal feelings and the fact that Cassian’s father was killed during a protest at Carida Academy over the rise militarism of the Republic, I have concocted this idea that Cassian comes from a line of progressive academics Festejanos (I waiver about what the communal noun for Fest natives is but Festejanos is where I’m at with it right now) and that they’re all vaguely socialist lecturers or students for the most part.

Fest in general has been known as a troublesome kind of planet for CENTURIES, like, they’re always protesting something (Republic interference in local affairs, lack of representation in the Senate, the continued existence of slavery, taxes, the misuse of those taxes, educational reforms, etc, etc), but it’s a planet-wide city full of the potential for urban guerrillas + mountains with occasional secret villages + volcanoes + a death cult religion, so they mostly get left alone. The public universities are especially well known for a) providing excellent educations and b) encouraging rabble rousing, and the Andor family has a long lineage of both. But they’re predominantly academics: they like to debate and argue and make speeches, plus teach literature and say snarky things in class about how the Republic isn’t really a republic or whatever. 

And Cassian’s dad is like, a typical Cool Professor type, with glasses and corduroy jackets and curly hair – all his students love him. Cassian’s mom is a science teacher – maybe she’s in engineering and imparts in Cassian some of the kind of knowledge he’ll need to reprogram a droid later on. 

Cassian’s an only child but has a big family in terms of uncles and aunts and grandparents – everyone around him is so clever and talkative and has so many opinions and Cassian learns to be smart and cheeky because everyone thinks that’s hilarious and at first his childhood is really bright and happy and fun: he’s the only child of that generation, mostly be accident, but he’s so so beloved. But he’s born right on the cusp of change, and – like the rest of the galaxy – neither he nor the rest of his family seem to realize just how fundamental that change has been. 

Protests that used to be de rigueur and ignored by the Republic start to be cracked down on in earnest, with people getting arrested and disappeared – political leaders start dying in mysterious accidents. Cassian’s mom dies in one of those; Cassian’s dad dies at Carida Academy. Cassian gets bounced around from family member to family member, as they’re imprisoned or lose their teaching positions, as the planet of Fest, always so independent and bold and strong, begins to feel the pressure of the Republic’s growing military force. By the time the Empire is established, there’s almost nothing left of the Fest Cassian knows – the buildings might be there, but the heart is gone. The people are cowed and quiet and careful, and he’s not even sure if he has any family left. 

He joins up with one of the early resistance movements, gets off planet, and never looks back.

33. SAFE

So there’s a large, sprawling park in the center of Fest – not far from where Cassian’s paternal grandparents used to live – that’s full of museums and artifacts from the millennia of civilizations that came before. Big stone heads like are found on Yavin IV, representations of gigantic alien creatures that no longer roam the planet, crystal space snakes – that sort of thing. There’s always food vendors and fresh fruit juices for sale, and ice cream, obvs. 

There’s also a huge lake in the center – supposedly this calls back the heritage of Fest, because the original, oldest part of the city was settled on an island in the middle of a vast lake (which no longer exists, because, urban sprawl). So this man-made lake was put in, with canals feeding into it. And The Thing to do, when you’re there, is rent out one of the many colorful boats, and take long trips around the lake and up and down the canals – they charge by hour and sometimes they even have little grills on them so you can cook a meal, make a full day of it. 

Cassian’s grandparents would take him to the park every time he came to visit, and on VERY special occasions, they’d take him on a boat ride – and lil Cassian would lie back, looking up at the thatched canopy that covered the boat, seeing the park float by around him, feeling the ripple of waves beneath him, as his grandparents debated politics and art and gossip. 

Those are the happiest memories he has – of his home, of his family. Of being loved, and of being safe. 

Send in a character and a number from this list and I will write a headcanon based on the word

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #30: Media.

Written: 1/25/2017

The actress, known only as Greta, has had her reality dating show renewed for its second season. For those of you who are not familiar with “Perfection”, the show involves 30 contestants, of no specific gender, that have to compete with each other to prove that they are a suitable companion for the perfect woman. Polymaths, Olympic athletes, CEO’s, magicians, all of the worlds greatest people try to prove that they are indeed worth it, often putting themselves through grueling competition to show their worth. Who can forget last seasons tiger hunt, in which Daniel Schmitt wrestled the Siberian tiger to death, with his bear hands, only to be mauled to death during his attempt to drag the corpse out of the arena? Or the Yale professor who shot the professor from Cornell, in order to gain a few extra minutes to solve his equation. Or the performance artist who drank a bottle of bleach and liquefied her insides, moving Greta to tears and applause, almost winning, except for the rule that contestants need to be alive to win.

Its rumored that this season will include mercenaries, world leaders, investment bankers, show dog breeders, self proclaimed psychic detectives, environmental lawyers, cult leaders, five star chefs, opera stars, and a man who can sneeze with his eyes open. It truly

Anne flipped through the magazine, bored with the article, but it turned out that the thing was just full of reality show promotions. Wasn’t this supposed to be about news? Flipping over the cover, she realized she accidentally grabbed “Global Reality”, the magazine that specializes in reality shows all over the world, instead of “Global Real”, which, although having a crappy title, was very informative and covered world news. She looked at the magazine table, sifted around, but couldn’t find the magazine she wanted. Looking around the room she saw that a young girl, somewhere around the age of 16-17, was reading the magazine while sitting with somebody who was probably the mother. Shit. Searching through the pile again, she finally decided to settle on a nature magazine, boasting stories like “The Technicolor Geyser”, “Mysteries of the Egg”, and “Australia: Is it Sentient?”. She was mainly curious about the third article.

For years, Australia has been known to have some of the most dangerous and alien species on the planet. Dog creatures with pouches on their stomach, with massive feet and travel by jumping. Jellyfish the size of your fingernail that have the death size of the Holocaust. Flightless birds. But why do such oddities lurk on the surface of this continent early, and why can’t they be normal creatures, like cows, lizards, and, dare I say, humans? An animal anthropologist, Simon Haulfis, claims he has the answer.

His theory is that Australia is a sentient land mass, but has been asleep for quite some time. If it was awake, it would be clear that it was alive, because we would all probably be enslaved or eaten by it, unable to stop it, but this comes in later in the theory. First, we need to examine the living angle. Why does Simon believe its alive. His first part to tackle this theory, is how come no civilization was apparent on the continent until it was discovered by the Europeans?

Looking at the magazines again, she realized that this was still probably the best thing to read. The clock on the wall showed that she still had twenty minutes until she would be called in, so she had to settle with this nonsense. Anything too keep her mind off of what was going to happen.

You might say, “Well there were indigenous people there, living there for quite some time!” Simon explains against this: If those are to be real people, then how come they didn’t have civilization, like the noble Europeans? How come they were equipped with magical sticks that, when thrown, would magically return to their user? How come their words were nonsensical? They, like the animals on the island, were only figments of Australia’s dream.

She made sure nobody could see the cover of the magazine. It was embarrassing to be reading this racist nonsense, but she wanted to give it at least one more chance to prove itself.

Like the Africans, the aborigines clearly weren’t human-

It went flying back into the magazine pile. With eighteen minutes left, she decided to settle on another magazine, but none seemed appealing. Settling on three different ones, she had to chose which was the least terrible: Cooking with the Homeless, Tech Supremacy, and Marching Band. She settled on the cooking magazine, and found an article titled: How to spice up the soup kitchen.

I decided to check out the soup kitchen to see how the homeless felt about it, to get a perspective of the real people, the real America that was swept away by the fascist, money grubbing, wall street elite. When I walked in the place smelt strongly, and although it was hard to describe the smell, it made my eyes water and I wanted to retch. I had to drink some mineral water to calm myself down, and inside I went to see what real life was all about.

I set myself down at a table with minimal people at it, since there was no way in hell I was going to let one of those people touch my $300 pea coat. I watched the way they slurped up their pathetic soup, it looked like tomato but without, you know, anything that would make it delicious. From the looks of it, it probably came out of a can, but these people seemed happy, their taste buds probably destroyed from all of the heroin they probably injected into their tongues. They seemed happy, but I knew they were faking it. Real Americans like these folk could never feel the emotions we felt, they couldn’t afford it! They imitate us like its a fashion trend, or maybe they learned how to use it when they claw at us with their dirty hands, begging for our hard earned money.

I asked a mother of two if she was enjoying her soup, she replied in a horrid voice, saying “Yes, its nice today.” I shook my head, pitying the poor woman. When asking how it tasted good, she replied “I don’t know, its good soup.” After multiple questions on if she could taste, or if this was better than the sewer water that she usually drank, she threatened to assault me. Poor woman probably only understood violence when she was growing up on the hard streets, I felt bad for her and her kids who she probably had to sell for sex, the boy, who was around the age of 8, was probably the money maker in the group, but that money would probably only go towards drugs and lottery tickets, because these poor, real folk can’t understand much. Its all the corporations fault, you see, that these sub-humans

This magazine also got tossed into the pile. Marching Band was picked next, since there was no way this one could just be demeaning other people, right? She still had twelve minutes left, hopefully this would be good enough to stick with. However, almost all of the pages were just literal music, written down on the pages, note after note, but she finally found a single article on organizing bands, which seemed long enough to last until she was called up for her dreaded appointment.

For instruments like Clarinets, Cellos, Gongs, you’re going to want chinks.

She skipped several paragraphs ahead, hoping to find something redeeming.

For your percussions you’re going to want blacks, but keep them away from jazz or they’ll use it to impregnate your women.

Into the pile it went. She ran her fingers through her hair and stared up at the ceiling, deciding to not even try the magazine with “supremacy” in the name, and instead counted the ceiling tiles. There were only twenty of them, and it was a quick count. Ten minutes left, still a long time, could she make it? She thought about how weird it was that all of the people in the room had so many different stories, but they were all probably here for the same reason, all of them had to fix a mistake they made and live with the consequences. The protesters outside almost made her turn away, but who were they to make her feel awful, this was already a traumatic experience for her. She didn’t even want her to be here in the first place! It was a lesson for her to learn: don’t fall in love with a married man. The more important lesson was probably: make sure a condom is always used. But how was she supposed to know that he took it off in the middle of sex, how was she supposed to know that he was going to berate her into coming here, what did she do wrong, why did she deserve this, why did he put her through this when he had been so nice to her, all those things he said… tears welled up in her eyes, a lump rose in her throat, her mouth quivered, people were starting to look. Taking a couple deep breaths, she decided to pick up another magazine to distract herself, only eight minutes left, she could push through. Grabbing one at random, opening up to a random page, she started to read.

-but its not just the fluoride in the water that they use, oh no, studies have shown that they are starting to embed secret messages in popular music. They make sure that the patterns of the songs make pictures in your head, so that you know what to think, who to hate, who to vote for, every little thing gets controlled through this. For example, the song “It Must be Tuesday” is actually a hidden message that when deciphered, through sound melding thaumotological heuristics, reads:

Worship the government like it is the true lord and savior, Jesus Christ, which you must ignore and instead worship this false idol. Be tolerant of the gays, even though they are some of the worst sinners on the Earth, devil incarnates, and make sure to vote for their rights. Buy lots and lots of soda so that you may ingest it and stay fat and docile, so our politicians can forcibly take religion out of schools, and our police men can rape your women and desecrate our churches.

Power through, five minutes, she had to just skip ahead and power through.

which is total bullshit if you ask me, but I’m just smart enough to trust the words of “Scientists”, who worship the false idol, “Science”, and try to put fake bones in the ground to disprove the story of our creation! I’m not stupid, and neither are you, so don’t believe a word of their lies! Don’t buy their snake oil! If a teacher tries to fill your kids with these blatant lies then take them out of that school and use the home school system to correct any damage that may have been done to their souls, and get them back onto the righteous path.

Now, I want to disprove another lie of science: Global Warming. Now, the blessed oil companies, factories, and car emissions aren’t heating up the Earth, why that’s just a load of hooey! What’s really happening is lots of people are leaving our holy church and are adulterating with filthy religions, like Judaism, Buddhism, or Islam, or even worse: some are going down the dark path of atheism. God is angered by this, for the world is now no different that Sodom and Gomorrah, so hell on Earth is finally arriving and oh lord can we feel the heat!

She decided that spending the last several minutes on her phone was probably a better idea, and decided to look at what was happening on social media. Skimming through, she saw a couple videos of puppies and kittens, but it seemed like she had built up a tolerance to those, and required more and more cuteness to appease her. Her grandma posted a picture that said: If you don’t like this picture then you are a sinner. Like it if you walk with Jesus every day, and comment if you can feel the light of the lord inside of you. Right after there were two more posts by her grandma, who it seemed didn’t do anything other than this. One was an article to the website of the last magazine that she read, “INFORMATIC”, and the other read:

I love my grandkids, today one of them sent me a pair of gloves in the mail, I found them in my mailbox :)

They must know how cold I am, and its a good pair, I have a pair just like them but I lost them, so I can’t compare, but they’re the same I promise :) :) :)

A friend of hers, who worked at the local movie theater, posted:

I can’t believe that Sails to Freedom won the Oscar, you know that the only reason that this movie won was because it was pandering to feminist liberal bullshit! Why didn’t a movie with men win, huh? Now THAT’s sexism! I’m tired of people coming into the theater to see this bullshit, everyone knows that women aren’t oppressed anymore, fucking entitled bitches. Why didn’t Skull Crusher win the Oscar, huh? Bullshit man bullshit.

Comment: Calm down dude, its just a movie, I don’t even understand how its supposed to be “feminist”

Original Poster: BECAUSE THE LEAD CHARACTER IS A WOMAN, DUMBASS! God, try thinking for yourself instead of the liberal media.

Comment: Actually, I thought it was sexist because the cast wasn’t all women, and I’m angry that it won the Oscar!

She put her phone away and decided to sit with her eyes closed, thinking about nothing, listening to the sounds of the waiting room, until she was finally called in. For some reason she thought of her old dog, Tulip, that she had back when she was a kid, and the doghouse that it used to live in. Tulip had the cutest habit of trying to talk like people did, but all that came out were sounds that were somewhere between a bark and a growl. She remembered running through the yard with the dog, or the long walks through the park. The way Tulip hid under her bed whenever the lightning scared her. Being greeted with licks and that cute noise whenever she came home from school. Those were better times.

“Anne?”

She opened her eyes and looked around the room. At the back she could see a nurse with a clip board and a blank face. Grabbing her purse and sweatshirt, she stood up and walked towards the nurse, ready for her appointment, unsure if life was going to be better or worse.