#and after i wrote a letter to him telling him i appreciated our friendship and i wished him luck back home he embarrassed me

[thesingingrevolution]

reading my diary entry from 8th grade when the boy i liked so much gave me a kiss on the cheek..

[starryevermore]

the house of snow (8) ✧ coriolanus snow

the house of snow ✧ a royal coryo au | pinterest board| ao3

pairing: king!coriolanus snow x fem!reader

series summary: the king of panem is in search of a bride. and, for reasons you can never understand, coriolanus snow has set his sights on you. it would never be a happy marriage, you’re sure of that. but none of that matters, because when snow decides he wants something, he will do everything in his power to ensure it is his. 

chapter summary: sejanus crosses a line. 

word count: 5,961

series warnings?: 18+ MINORS DNI, royal au, regency au, arranged marriage, rivals to lovers, obsessive!coryo, jealous!coryo, protective!coryo, eventual smut, eventual pregnancy, more tags to be added later

chapter warnings?: scheming sejanus, jealous!coryo, angry!coryo, arguing, threats of execution, pet name (petal), not proofread

Thank you for the invitation. Though it was signed by Coryo, I imagine that you are the one who advocated for my presence at tonight’s opera. I appreciate that you hold our friendship in such high regard. That is why I write to you now. Ma has already confirmed our attendance for tonight, but I was hoping that I might be able to speak to you in private. During intermission, please meet me—

A knock at your door startled you out of your thoughts. 

“Are you nearly ready?” your father asked from the other side of your door. 

“Just a moment more!” you called out, hurrying to return the letter to its envelope. You rose from your seat at the vanity, sparing a glance at your reflection to ensure nothing was out of place, before tucking the letter in your trunk at the end of your bed. 

When you reached your door, you took a breath. Your father was a perceptive man. If he saw your nerves were jumbled, he would have questions and you could not handle questions at this moment. 

Your father smiled as you opened the door. Then he frowned, glancing around the room behind you. “Where is your lady’s maid?”

“I dismissed her after I finished getting ready. I wanted some time to go through my correspondence.” It was perhaps best to tell the truth in that regard. What your father didn’t need to know what that you were just reading the one letter, over and over and over again, trying to surmise if it was real, if there was a trick being played against you. 

“I should hope you were not writing any replies. The last thing you need is to get ink everywhere.”

“No, Papa, I was only reading them and sorting out which ones needed to be replied to first.” Well, that was a lie. But it was harmless enough. You hoped. 

When you received Sejanus’s letter in the mail, it confused you. You were never the sort of friends that wrote to each other. It certainly would have been presumptuous if you had. But when you read the contents of the letter, learned of his proposed plan, it only served to confuse you further. You had spent the entire day reading the letter as your lady’s maid pinned your hair into an elaborate updo, applied your makeup, and even as you dressed. You were half sure that if you read it enough times, Sejanus himself might materialize to tell you it was all just a clever joke. That he didn’t really mean it. You knew Sejanus well enough, though, to know that he was quite serious about these sorts of things. 

Your father nodded, then extended his arm for you to take. You slipped your hand around his arm and allowed him to guide you downstairs. He was silent for a moment while you walked, but when he reached the top of the stairs, he stopped. 

“Is there something wrong?” you asked. Had he already caught on to your ruse? Would he demand to see the letters and know that there was only one? Would he tell Snow? 

“I wanted to thank you for your cooperation,” he said. “I know this match was not what you hoped it to be, but I swore when you were born that I would do everything in my power to ensure that you are taken care of for life. You may not have gotten the love match you wished for, but you will be marrying into a reputable family with the resources available to provide you the best life imaginable. His Majesty will take care of you. He will be a good husband to you.”

“You cannot possibly know that.”

He sniffed, then conceded, “No, I suppose I don’t. But His Majesty was incredibly persistent. He had been asking for your hand for some time—”

“What?”

He blinked, as if he was surprised you didn’t know. But how could you? How could you have known? “When you graduated from the Academy, he asked for your hand. I suppose he hoped for you to join him on base while he served as a Peacekeeper. That certainly wouldn’t have been an appropriate life for you, so I told him no. Then when he returned, he asked again. I told him I wished to see him prove himself to be a worthy husband for you. I never imagined that he would become King, of course, but it was a pleasant surprise. A welcome one, really, all things considered. Just before the season began this year, he asked again. I had no reason to tell him no, except that I wished for him to properly court you before we reached any firm agreement.”

You did the math in your head. If what your father said was true… “I’m four and twenty. If he has been asking since I graduated, then he has wanted to marry me for five years.”

“Longer, I presume. He already had a ring when he asked for your hand the first time.” He looked down at your hand. “The same one, if memory serves well. Cleaner, though.”

That…You didn’t know what to do with that. How long had Snow been vying for your attention? Even with Sejanus’s revelation that Snow’s feelings for you had been genuine, you assumed it was a recent development. Certainly not something that extended back to your schooldays. Had the bickering always been one-sided? No, that couldn’t be…

“We hated each other in school. We tormented each other,” you said, more to yourself than your father. 

But he laughed as if you spoke to him. “Sometimes, boys are mean to the girls they are interested in. Any attention is better than no attention, in their eyes.”

“I don’t know what to do with this,” you admitted. 

“Know that you will be loved. I have never seen any man be so dedicated to something, someone, for it not to be done out of love.”

Downstairs, the butler announced Snow’s arrival. Snow entered the room, his blue eyes immediately finding yours. Your father moved to start down the stairs, but you remained planted firmly in place. A question nagged at your mind. If Snow had been asking for your hand for five years…

“Why did you act like I had to convince Snow to marry me when the season started? If you all but promised him my hand?”

His eyebrows raised. “My little dove, you have never done what you were told. If I said that you were to be wed to His Majesty, you would have all but runaway to avoid it.”

“But why act like it was my responsibility to get his attention? To throw myself at his feet when he already wanted to marry me?”

He was silent for a moment, contemplating his words. Finally, he settled on, “If you thought that you were serving your family by pursuing His Majesty, I had hoped that you would have seen his intentions were pure and good. It might not have been a love match in the traditional sense, but it would not have been a loveless arrangement.”

Nothing, you thought, about Snow was pure and good. “My fate was already set in stone. It didn’t matter what I did, you would have married me off regardless.”

“Don’t put it like that, little dove—”

You dropped your father’s arm, gathered your skirts, and walked down the stairs alone as Snow moved to wait for you at the bottom. A smile grew on his face as he watched you. It looked so genuine. You supposed it was. 

Snow held his arm out to you as you reached the last few steps. You slipped your hand into his, letting him guide you down the final steps, before holding onto his bicep when you reached the ground floor.

“I like that color on you,” he said, eyeing the blue fabric. 

“You should. It took Tigris hours to find the shade closest to your eyes.” Your mother was insistent that, as the future Queen, you should build your wardrobe to complement your future husband as much as possible. 

“I shall send her my compliments then. Are you ready to leave?”

You nodded. 

“Good. We shall be riding alone this evening. Will that be alright?”

It wouldn’t have mattered if it did. Everyone else in your life was making decisions for you. Choosing what was best for you without ever asking what you wanted. What you desired. But you were angry at your father. Angry at both of your parents, because you were sure your mother knew something about this, too. Angry that they both would keep this from you instead of just telling you that you were to marry the King. You might have respected their decision more if they had. 

“I should kill my parents if I have to spend a moment with them tonight.”

Snow blinked. “Should I be concerned?”

“If you value your life, then you shouldn’t be.”

At that, Snow let out a huff of a laugh. “To kill the King would be treason.”

“Is a threat worth the same weight?”

“I would imagine so.”

“Then string me up at the gallows.”

He shook his head at you. He looked amused, like he didn’t take your words seriously. He probably thought you were just bickering to get on his nerves like you always did. “I would make an exception for you, petal.”

You turned your head, looking back up at your father, who still stood at the top of the stairs, dumbfounded. You turned back to Snow. “I wouldn’t kill you, for what it’s worth. As it turns out, you are the only person who has been honest with me recently.”

A frown settled on Snow’s face. “Is everything alright?”

You rolled your tongue over your teeth, contemplating whether you should tell him or not. It would be nice to vent, even to someone like Snow. But you didn’t wish to do it in front of your father, the source of your ire. And you weren’t sure you wouldn’t cry if you did talk about it. “I don’t wish to ruin my evening any further. Shall we go?”

Snow looked you over. Seeing nothing that would demand his immediate concern, he said, “We shall. But if you change your mind…”

“I will tell you if I do.”

The ride to the opera house was quiet. You weren’t sure if Snow was silent because he was giving you the space you asked for, or if he was concerned that your ire might soon turn on him. But he held your hand the entire time, his thumb stroking over your knuckles. Ordinarily, you would have been annoyed at the action. It was merely another way for Snow to exert a level of control over you. This time, however, it brought you some modicum of comfort. 

“I invited the Plinths per your request,” he murmured.

That should have lifted your spirts, but it only made your stomach churn. You couldn’t let Snow know that, of course. As hard as you fought for the Plinths’ presence, he would be less than pleased if you revealed you wished he hadn’t extended the invitation. “Thank you.” You squeezed his hand, more for your comfort than his own. “I appreciate that.”

Even if you didn’t appreciate it in the moment, you probably would appreciate his willingness to abide by your wishes in the future (though, you supposed you did have to coerce him to do it). 

Snow smiled and squeezed your hand back. “And I appreciate your vivaciousness. Even if it makes me want to pull my hair out.”

“That would be a shame,” you said before you could really think. 

“What?”

Well, you already got this far. You might as well finish the thought. “The nicest part about you is your hair. If you pulled it all out, you wouldn’t have anything going for you.”

Snow laughed—a genuine laugh. “If my hair is the key to gaining your affections, then I shall be sure to not pull it out.”

You laughed, too. It was…odd. How light you felt with Snow now. Though you still objected to how he asked for your hand, how your father gave you no choice in this matter, it was different knowing that Snow might not be doing all of this as some way to spite you. To get back at you for all the fights you had with him over the years.

The pit in your stomach burrowed deeper. If Snow found out about Sejanus’s letter, Sejanus’s plan, you could not imagine it ending well. Any semblance of goodwill he held for you could be ruined in a matter of minutes. Would you be set up for a miserable marriage if you withheld the information from him? 

“Snow, I—”

The carriage lurched to a halt. Your words died in your throat as the door opened. Snow stepped out first, then held a hand out for you to take. He helped you out of the carriage, his hands settling on your waist as you gained your footing. Your breath caught in your throat at the feeling. 

As you moved to take Snow’s arm, he asked, “Would you like to wait for your parents or would you like to go our seats?”

You glanced back, seeing your family carriage in the distance. The idea of seeing your father again made you grind your teeth together. “Let’s go inside.”

Snow led you to one of the Lord’s Rooms where you would sit in the upper balcony of the opera house. It had been some years since you had been able to sit in one of the Lord’s Rooms. Since your time at the Academy, you supposed. These seats were saved for the upper echelon of the Capital’s elite. While your parents certainly were wealthy and titled, they could not quite afford such expensive seats. Truthfully, for a long time after the war ended, only the King and some dukes could afford it. It was only in recent years that marquesses, earls, and viscounts could begin sitting there again. 

You took a seat front and center of the Lord’s Room, Snow taking the seat to your left. A smile tugged at his face as you tried to not let your jaw fall slack. 

“Are you pleased with the seats, petal?” he asked. 

“It’s perfect,” you admitted, because it was. 

When you looked over at him, his smile had grown, his chest ever so slightly puffed out. Oh, he was proud of himself for this. You supposed he should be. If he had been vying for your attention for as long as your father insinuated, you imagined there was no limit to the lengths Snow would go to make you happy. 

“Good.”

You were curious, though, to the lengths that Snow would go. “What would you have done if I was displeased?”

“Erect an opera house to your exact specifications.”

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped your lips. To suggest such a thing was absurd. You were an intelligent young woman to be sure, but you hardly had the education required to design an opera house that both functioned as necessary and would not topple over in a gust of wind. “Then we should be thankful I am content here or else we might have to test the limits to the royal family’s protection from liability.”

Snow waved that off, though he still smirked at you referring to yourself as part of the royal family. “I would send anyone who would even think to sue you to the gallows.”

“So protective,” you teased. There was silence, for a moment, as you looked at Snow. Conversation was flowing easily, with none of its usual bite. Perhaps talking about your conversation with your father would be nice. To at least alleviate the stress you carried in your shoulders. “I am upset with my papa because of you.”

And that, perhaps, was the worst way to begin the conversation when you saw the way Snow’s smile turned into a frown. Oh dear, he probably thought you were trying to pick a fight. “I beg your pardon?”

“What I mean to say is, at the beginning of the season, when it was announced you were seeking a bride, my papa told me that I had to do whatever it took to win you over, even sacrifice my ideals. He made it seem as if it was something I had to do for the family. I refused, of course, but that did nothing to stop you from seeking me out. I wondered why for a long while, spent a long time convinced it was because you were trying to get back at me for all our quibbles over the years. But then I remembered Sejanus had told me that you were interested in me when we were children.”

Snow’s jaw ticked at the mention of Sejanus, so you quickly continued before he could spit some vitriol about your shared friend (for now, at least). 

 “That made no sense to me at the time he told me, of course, but the longer we courted, it started to feel real. Then, this evening, my papa told me that you had asked for my hand three times before. That you fought with me because you liked my attention, not necessarily because you had substantial disagreement with me. And when I asked, he said he lied to me about my needing to sacrifice my ideals to win you over, because he knew that I was already going to be your bride by the end of the season. I cannot respect a man who withholds things from me.”

“I apologize if I disrespected you, but—”

“Not you, my papa. It is clear now that, as far as this season was concerned, you had always made your intentions known. I can admire that. But my papa…I don’t know if I can trust him again. Or my mama, because I am sure she knew something about it, too.”

Snow considered you for a moment, before admitting, “If I had known you were kept in the dark, I would have told you. I assumed you knew I had spoken with your father and that that was part of the reason you kept fighting me. Telling me that you would rather marry anyone else but me.”

“No, I was, for once, clueless.”

He reached over for your hand. You allowed him to take it. “Well, you can rest assured that I will not let you be clueless as long as I can help it. We are to be partners in this marriage. There is no one that I could trust more to run this kingdom and raise our family than you.”

Your stomach twisted. All of this talk of honesty…It made you feel ill. You knew you should tell Snow about Sejanus’s letter. If he ever found out, any trust he had in you would easily be broken. You imagined he would lock you away in the palace, never let you see anyone but the staff and the heirs he would have you produce. And Sejanus…You shuddered at the idea of what Snow would do to him. It would make isolation look kind, you were sure. 

Knowing you had no other choice, you tried again to tell him. “Snow, I wish to tell you one more thing—”

You were cut off by the sound of Sejanus greeting you and Snow. You prayed you did not look as ill as you felt. 

“You look radiant this evening,” Sejanus said to you as he came to your side. Oh, Sejanus, he should not say those sorts of things. Not in front of Snow. Not when you knew how he felt. 

Snow rose to his feet, dropping your hand. It was the polite thing to do as a gentleman, but you knew it was more a power play than anything else. And, though Sejanus towered over Snow, something about the way Snow held himself made him seem like the giant. “She does, doesn’t she? It must be the pre-marital bliss.”

You ignored Snow. Well, if you couldn’t tell Snow about the letter now, you might as well make polite conversation until the next opportunity arose. “Thank you, my lord. You look quite dashing yourself. Did Tigris design your suit?”

“She did,” he beamed. Oh, Sejanus, don’t smile at you like that. “She is the only one I trust to not make me look like a fool.”

“Funny,” Snow muttered. 

You looked at him, your brows furrowed together. Was he trying to suggest Sejanus was a fool? Did Snow know something you didn’t? Your heart skipped a beat. Did he somehow already know of the letter? “What is?”

Snow blinked, as if he hadn’t expected you to hear him. A smile twitched at his lips. “You had said something similar, once.”

“Ah. Well, she is the best. Many people feel quite strongly over her,” you said. You smoothed a wrinkle on your dress. All of the kind talk between you and Coryo made you feel uneasy now that Sejanus was here. “It must be infuriating to know people like Tigris while they tolerate you.”

“Don’t be cruel,” Sejanus chided as Snow’s jaw clenched and unclenched. Don’t join in on the teasing. It will only make things worse. 

“But it’s so easy.”

Sejanus took the seat to your right. From the corner of your eye, you watched as Snow’s hands flexed, as if he was restraining himself from lashing out at Sejanus. Knowing that no one could see your face but Snow and Sejanus, you allowed yourself to roll your eyes. The corner of Sejanus’s mouth twitched up into a smirk. In any other circumstance, you might have been laughing with him at Snow’s expense. This all felt too confusing for you—something you would rather attempt to process in private rather than search your feelings in the moment. So you moved to the edge of your seat, propping your arm against the railing, leaning your cheek against your palm. Snow, as he sat back down, reached for your other hand, and you allowed him to take it. Jealous little thing, he was. But you couldn’t find it in yourself to mind. 

The performance soon began with little more spoken between you, Snow, and Sejanus. Mostly talks about your upcoming nuptials, which made it feel like a knife was being twisted in your stomach. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought that Sejanus was trying to be cruel. Sejanus, though, was something of an angel, and you were sure he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Perhaps that was why you were so nervous about this. You knew how Snow would read Sejanus’s actions. You knew it would be far from good. 

You tried to push those thoughts away as the performers sang. It had been so long since you had been able to go to the opera, and you wanted to enjoy this moment. Snow would likely bring you to more performances, but just in case, you wanted to have fun while you could. Yet, Sejanus could not leave your mind. He felt entirely too close. It was almost suffocating. And when you dared to glance at him from the corner of your eye, and you saw the way his hand was placed on the arm of his chair, his palm face up, you felt ill. 

So ill, you could not stand it. 

When you dropped Snow’s hand, moving to leave the Lord’s Room, Snow rose to his feet. “Is everything alright, petal?”’

“I’m not feeling well. I just need to step outside for a moment,” you said. 

Sejanus, too, stood. “What’s wrong?”

Oh, don’t do that. Don’t give Snow anymore reason to get upset or concerned.

You waved Sejanus off. “It’s too stuffy in here. I just need a moment.”

Snow watched you, his brows pinched together. You again wondered if he could read your mind, if he knew what you knew. Or perhaps he was acting as if he cared in his own weird way, trying to ascertain if he needed to go with you just in case this was something more serious. “If you wish to leave early, we can. I don’t want you to feel as if we must stay even if you are ill.”

Don’t be kind. You’re not sure you deserve it. “I don’t believe it’s that serious. Please, sit. I shall be back before you can even think to miss me.”

Somewhat reluctantly, Snow sat down. Sejanus remained standing, watching as you turned to leave. It was not until you left the Lord’s Room, sparing a glance over your shoulder, that you saw Sejanus sit down, too.

It was easier to breathe outside of the room. Not much by much, but certainly easier. Being sat between Snow and Sejanus, even if had been something of your own doing, had become something of a personal hell. Damn Sejanus. Damn him. This evening wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to have a nice evening at the opera. You were supposed to get on Snow’s nerves. You were supposed to laugh with Sejanus and not worry about his insane ideas. It was supposed to be nice, not…whatever it was about to become. 

You found a somewhat secluded area of the foyer and leaned against the wall, trying to steady your heartbeat. You did not know if Snow or Sejanus or both would follow you. If they did, you worried about the other people who were invited eavesdropping on the conversation, realize that there was more than meets the eye regarding your betrothal to Snow. Oh, you would not be able to handle that scandal. 

After a minute or two, the sound of the opera singer ringing in the background, you pushed yourself off the wall. It had been long enough that Snow would become concerned and come looking for you. And it was close enough to intermission that Sejanus—

“You look like you’ve seen death.”

You sucked in a breath. “You need to leave.”

Sejanus stepped closer to you. Too close. He reached out, brushing a loose curl away from your face. You fought the urge to flinch away. “We can go—”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “You cannot truly believe I would leave with you, can you? Sejanus, Snow is the King. He would do everything in his power, utilize every resource at his disposal, to find us and bring us straight to the Capital. You would lose your head, and I would never see daylight again.”

“That should not matter if we love each other. We could find somewhere no one could ever find us. We could live a life all of our own, never have to worry about anything else.”

“But I don’t love you.” 

“Coryo told me that you would rather marry me. That you thought I am an easy man to love. Is that not enough?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. It was so hard to look at him and not cry. Why was he making this so difficult? Why was he putting you in this position? “I might have loved you. In a different life, maybe. But I do not feel what you feel for me. I will not risk my life and yours for a maybe.”

“But you will risk a life of unhappiness with Coryo?”

Why did no one listen to you? 

Why did no one care to ask you what you wanted and actually listen? 

“It is not as if Snow hates me. He cares, in his own way. Even if he shows it in his strange ways. I would want for nothing with him.”

“Can you love him?” Sejanus stepped even closer to you. He cupped your face in his hands. You squeezed your eyes tighter. “Tell me you will be happy with him, and I will leave you alone. I won’t bring this up ever again. I will leave—”

Sejanus was ripped away from you before he could finish speaking. Your eyes flew open. What was happening? Why—

Oh. 

Oh no. 

Snow’s face was blood red, his knuckles nearly matching as he gripped Sejanus’s jacket. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he spat. 

“Coryo, I—”

“You said you didn’t wish to marry her. You said you wouldn’t try to take her from me. Was that a life? Were you trying to catch me with my guard down? What happened to not wanting to hurt me?”

“Please—” 

You had never seen Snow so angry in all your life. Not even when you would spend every day at the Academy arguing with him. Not even when you had told him that you considered marrying Sejanus. Was Snow going to hurt Sejanus? He looked angry enough to kill. You couldn’t let that happen. 

“Snow—” you tried to say, but he did not hear you. 

“I should have the Peacekeepers drag you through the streets, throw you in a cell, and let you rot. I should have you executed,” Snow hissed. “This is treason.”

“Please, Snow—” you tried again. 

You tried to think. Tried to figure out something, anything, to say that could quell Snow’s anger. But you couldn’t even get through to him. It’s like he didn’t even realize you were speaking to him. Oh, what could you say?

“I should make your execution a fucking spectacle. I should make everyone watch as you are hung—”

“Coryo, stop!”

Snow’s head snapped to you. His pale blue eyes looked you up and down, as if he was trying to determine if he should direct his ire to you. He let go of Sejanus’s jacket with a push. Ordinarily, it wouldn’t have made Sejanus stumble, but the sheer weight of everything brought the man tumbling down. Snow took a step towards you, his voice dangerously low as he asked, “Why should I?”

“I was telling him no. I don’t want to go with him,” you said, careful not to say Sejanus’s name. Saying his name in ordinary circumstances drove Snow insane. You hated to imagine what he might do if you did so now. He might just kill Sejanus with his bare hands. His hands. You glanced down, then reached for one of Snow’s hands. It was clenched into a fist, but he allowed you to open his hand, intertwine your fingers with his own. “I want to marry you, Coryo. I want to be your wife.”

Snow stared at your connected hands. He squeezed your hand. It looked like he couldn’t believe this was real. “He followed you out here. Were you planning to run away?”

You couldn’t lie to him. Not now. “He sent a letter this morning. He wanted to run away at intermission, when it was easy to disappear in a crowd. I…I tried to tell you, before he arrived this evening. I never intended to go with him.”

“He followed you.”

I didn’t ask him to, you wanted to say. But you knew that wouldn’t do anything to diminish Snow’s anger. Instead, you said, “I wish you followed me instead.”

When Snow looked at you, you could see his eyes softened ever so slightly. “I thought you might want some space.”

Though you did not wholly believe in what you were saying, you knew it was working to calm him down. “All I want is you, Coryo.”

For a second, a smile began to tug at Snow’s lips. But it vanished all too quick as he heard Sejanus begin to rise to his feet. “He needs to be punished.”

“Don’t have him killed.” When Snow’s eyes narrowed, you quickly added, “I don’t want the death of your friend, your best friend, to weigh heavily on your conscious. I-I know you’re upset now, rightfully so, but that should not mean you send him to the gallows.”

His jaw clenched and unclenched as he weighed your words. “Then what do you suggest I do? If we are to be partners in life, you shall have a say in carrying out punishments.”

Oh, he was being cruel. Perhaps rightfully so. Snow would not harm you physically, but he would not be so above hurting you emotionally. You had not told him about the letter, and in his eyes, you were sure that put you on a similar level of treason as Sejanus’s actions. 

You fought the urge to look at Sejanus. “He shall enlist in the Peacekeepers,” you decided. “You can ensure he has an assignment far away from the Capital. Give him time to consider his betrayal.”

Snow said nothing. You worried he would dismiss your suggestion and call for the Peacekeepers anyways. That he would force you to watch as Sejanus was hung. You stepped closer, pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Please, Coryo?”

When you pulled away, Snow was blinking a mile a minute. You prayed that was enough to convince him, to show him that you were loyal to him. To spare Sejanus’s life.

“Go,” Snow spat at Sejanus. 

Sejanus gave a shaky nod. He dared to look at you, his mouth beginning to open. Whatever he intended to say, though, was lost. 

“If you are going to say anything, it should be to express your gratitude to her for sparing you from an execution.”

Sejanus swallowed. “Thank you.”

“If I learn that you have not enlisted by morning, however, I will follow through with stringing you up at the gallows.”

Sejanus nodded again and quickly left before more could be said. For his sake, you prayed he went straight to the enlistment offices. You weren’t sure if they were open at this time of night, but if he went now, he might be able to enlist first thing in the morning when they did open. 

You let your head fall against Snow’s chest. His heart thump’d, thump’d, thump’d quickly. You wound your arms around his waist. “Thank you,” you whispered. And as he hugged you back, you added, “And I apologize for not telling you of his plans. I…I didn’t think he would be so foolish to try to follow through on them. Or, I suppose, I hoped he wouldn’t.”

“You truly wouldn’t have left with him?”

“I only want a life with you, Coryo. You…may not be an easy man to love, but that does not mean I cannot love you.” Maybe if you said it enough times, you mused, it would become true. 

Snow pressed a kiss to the crown of your head. “I want to move up the wedding date.”

You shut your eyes. “You’ll work poor Tigris to the bone trying to finish my gown in time,” you tried to tease. Your heart wasn’t quite in it. 

“You could show up at the altar in a dressing gown for all I care. I don’t want anyone else trying to steal you away before I can make you mine.”

If this was the sort of anger you would have to grapple with should anyone else try— “Nor do I.” You pressed a kiss to his chest, just over his heart. A print of your lipstick left behind a stain. “I truly am sorry, Coryo.”

Maybe if you called him by his pet name enough times, he would forget this ever happen. 

“Don’t let it happen again.”

As you stood there in his tight embrace, people began spilling out into the foyer. Intermission, it seemed, had arrived. And not a single one of them were aware of events that just transpired. 

How lucky they were. 

[my-deer-history]

Francis Kinloch in the Müller-Bonstetten letters: Part 1

Here is the first batch of translated instances where Francis Kinloch is mentioned in letters written to Karl Viktor von Bonstetten by Johannes von Müller, a gay Swiss historian who Kinloch lived with while studying in Geneva. Throughout this period (early 1775 onwards), Müller is attempting to write his history of Switzerland, and the American colonies are starting to actively rebel against England.

The original letters were mostly written in German (source), with some translated later into French (source). I have transcribed and translated most of the mentions, but there's quite a lot, so I'm going to divide this into several posts. (@john-laurens - enjoy!)

My translations below, with the German and/or French transcripts under the cut. As always, corrections and improvements are greatly appreciated!

10 March 1775

I advance in the sciences; you love me, because I do you; Kinloch, who gives away his heart so sparingly, addresses his letters to the beloved of my heart,* and we see each other daily [...] When I am by Kinloch’s side at Bonnet’s, and spend an hour talking with him, I am happy and cheerful; thus, says the Quran, does a lightning bolt suddenly illuminate the darkest of nights, but the shadow becomes darker after him.

*This follows a mention in an earlier undated 1775 letter that Kinloch asserted he needed at least one year before he could call anyone "friend". Clearly it happened in a matter of weeks here.

18 Aug 1775

…and Kinloch’s questions made me more aware of many points of our constitutions, especially our lack of political arithmeticians. […] Keep well. Kinloch will write to you soon.

21 Aug 1775

If cruel fate separates Kinloch from me, I will hope to have 25 to 30 louis more per year, with which I will be able to carry out this plan of study by spending the summer months in some of the cantons.

23 Aug 1775

I also do not have time [in this letter] to continue my observations along the mark, the Zurich lake, into the drawing rooms of Füsslin, Heidegger, Gessner, Hirzel, Bodmer, etc., nor to assure you sufficiently of Gessner’s friendship; nor to tell you how much I augment my knowledge of Helvetia [Switzerland], and with what pleasure I read Livius with Kinloch; nor to paint Kinloch’s enthusiasm* for you, and his anger with me because it has been so long since I wrote to you; nor my irreconcilable hatred for you, B. To declare to you in very thunderous and defeating expressions that, contrary to your word and honour, despite my repeated requests in the name of the holiest friendship, you have committed the atrocious crime of not writing me any letters to this day. Write to me today, therefore!

*The archaic meaning of the German Enthusiasmus is more along the lines of fervour, inspiration, or passionate feeling than the modern “enthusiasm” suggests.

“Thursday” [1775]*

We are waiting at present for a letter from Mr Boone, which will inform us whether we, Kinloch and I, may travel together in France, or if I must stay where I am. In the latter case, I will quietly await some opportunity to travel with an Englishman, which would let me see Europe and fix me some income. If Mr Boone and other friends do not find anyone, I will go to England with K at around the end of next year and I will not leave him even if he goes to America.

*The exact dating of this letter is unclear, but it is placed here in the source. 

Wednesday, Dec 1775

At this very moment, Kinloch is writing a letter to Mr Boone, which might influence my future destination. If I cannot live as I had hoped, according to what I have told you, I would hope that in the case that I must spend my life in solitude, that I may share yours; but that is the way to live!

26 Dec 1775

I find myself in the midst of great doubts. Kinloch cannot stay here past the end of March; we are waiting for letters from England to inform us whether we have enough money to travel together. The American matters make it very uncertain. And even when this journey is over, this unrest will hinder us from carrying out many projects. And now also comes the newly confirmed expedition against Carolina. In this land, so say the letters, is everything in such disarray, that reason has completely lost its power, all courts have decided that no law shall be enforced anymore, all the stations have mixed together, and the clergy preach nothing but rebellion. And the rebellious faction is so powerful that they have decided to send all women and children into the interior of the country, to burn the whole city of Charlestown to ash, and to fight the English over its ruins. Imagine Kinloch’s heart, and his noble mother in this horrid land, fleeing, exposed to all the malice of the soldiers, all the bouts of depredation, hunger and shortages of all kinds. It is very possible that Kinloch himself will lose everything, that his plantations will be laid waste. Imagine for yourself what we must think and feel about all of this. 

9 Jan 1776

We have letters from England that confirm the degree to which the entire coast of the North American sea is given to flames and devastation; they also state that the fleet against Carolina has already sailed. Kinloch and I have developed a project for our destination, which will, in all likelihood, be carried out for our shared benefit. At the beginning of April, my friend will go to France to a provincial town; I will go to Genthod to the wise men (these we, i.e. those from Genthod and I, are still keeping a secret at this time on account of certain people). Towards autumn, I will go to Marseille or Lyon, find Kinloch there, go with him to Rome and from there through Tyrol and Bavaria down into the Netherlands, right to the sea. In this way, I will be able to complete most of my material collecting in the summer and have an educational and enjoyable winter. And beyond that? you will ask me. Within one year, it will become clear if America is still inhabitable, if Lord North is still prime minister, if Kinloch will settle in England or America. We will decide accordingly.

19 Feb 1776

Your letters always bring me great pleasure, but it has been a long time since any letter or occurrence has caused me as much pleasure as your second-to-last one did. Your eloquence is Demosthenic when friendship has inspired you, but your heart is full of the greatest and noblest virtues. Bonnet and Kinloch felt a real enthusiasm for you. I however am more determined than ever to follow your advice. [Lists several of his good fortunes.] Mr Bonnet, Mrs Bonnet and Kinloch and all my best friends, besides philosophy and politics - to whom do I owe all of these? Ask yourself!

10 March 1775

In den Wissenschaften schreite ich fort; Sie lieben mich, wie ich Sie; Kinloch, der so karg sein Herz versschenkt, addressirt seine Billets to the beloved of my heart, und wir sehen uns täglich [...]  An der Seite Kinlochs bei Bonnet, und nun ich eine Stunde mich mit Ihnen unterhalten, bin ich glücklich und heiter; so, sagt der Koran, erleuchtet ein Blitzstrahl plötzlich die dickste der Nächte, aber die Finsfterniß wird dicker nach ihm.

18 Aug 1775

Les questions de Kinloch ont fixé plus particulièrement mon attention sur plusieurs points de nos constitutions, et m'ont fait sentir surtout combien nous manquons d'habiles calculateurs politiques. […] Adieu, mon ami: Kinloch vous écrira bientôt.

…auch haben Kinlochs Fragen mich auf eine Menge Punkte unserer Verfassungen, besonders auf unsre Armuth an politischen Arithmetikern aufmerksamer gemacht [...]  Gehab dich wohl. Kinloch 

21 Aug 1775

Si mon mauvais sort me sépare de Kinloch, je souhaiterais avoir par an 25 à 30 louis de plus pour me mettre à portée de réaliser ce plan d'étude en passant l'été dans quelques Cantons.

Wenn das harte Schicksal Kinloch von mir trennt, so wünsche ich mir jährlich 25—30 Louis d'ors, mit denselben würde ich in einigen Kantonen in den Sommermonaten diesen Plan ausführen können

23 Aug 1775

Je n'ai pas le temps non plus dé vous mener avec moi le long du lac de Zurich, dans les cabinets de Füsslin, de Heidegger, de Gessner, de Hirzel, de Bodmer, etc, ni de vous assurer tout au long de l'amitié de Gessner; ni de vous dire combien j'augmente mes connaissances sur l'Helvétie, et avec quel plaisir je lis Tite-Live avec Kinloch; ni de vous peindre l'enthousiasme de Kinloch pour vous, et sa colère contre moi parce que j'ai été si longtemps sans vous écrire; ni enfin de vous déclarer dans les termes les plus foudroyants une haîne irréconciliable, parce qu'au mépris de votre parole d'honneur, de mes prières et de notre amitié, vous ne m'avez point encore écrit. Ecrivez-moi donc aujourd'hui même!

Aber die Zeit erlaubt mir nicht, meine Observationen durch die Mark, den Zürichersee hinunter, durch Füßlins, Heideggers, Geßners, Hirzels, Bodmers &c. &c. Zimmer fortzusetzen, noch Ihnen Geßners Freundschaft für Sie genug zu vermelden, oder meine Zunahme an helvetischen Kenntnissen oder mein Vergnügen über meine Lectur des Livius mit Kinloch, und Kinlochs Enthusiasmus für Sie und Zorn über mich, der ich Ihnen so lang nicht geschrieben, noch meinen unversöhnlichen Haß gegen Euch, B. Euch in recht donnernden und niederschlagenden Ausdrücken anzukündigen, da` Sie wider Wort und Ehre ungeachtet meiner wiederholten Bitten gegen die allerheiligste Freundschaft das gräuliche Verbrechen begangen haben, bis auf diesen Tag mir keinen Brief zu schreiben. So schreiben Sie mir dann heut noch!

“Thursday” [1775]

Nous attendons à présent une lettre de Mr. Boone qui nous apprendra si nous pouvons, Kinloch et moi, voyager ensemble en France, ou si je dois rester où je suis. Dans ce dernier cas j'attendrai paisiblement quelque occasion de voyager avec un Anglois, qui me feroit voir l'Europe et qui me fixeroit quelque rente. Si Mr. Boone et d'autres amis n'en trouvent point, j'irai en Angleterre avec K. sur la fin de l'année prochaine et je ne le quitterai pas même, quand it va en Amérique.

*written in French

Wednesday, Dec 1775

Dans ce moment même Kinloch écrit à Mr. Boone une lettre, qui influera peut-être sur ma destination future. Si je ne peux pas vivre comme je le souhaiterois, d'après ce que je Vous ai dit, je souhaiterois, que dans le cas, qu'il me fallut passer ma vie dans la solitude, je puisse partager la votre; mais le moyen de vivre!

26 Dec 1775

Gegenwärtig befinde ich mich in sehr großen Zweifeln. Länger als bis im Märzen kann Kinloch nicht hier bleiben; wir erwarten aus England Briefe, ob wir Geldes genug haben, mit einander zu reisen. Die amerikanischen Sachen machen es sehr ungewiß. Und wenn auch diese Reisen zu Ende find, so werden diese Unruhen uns an der Ausführung vieler Projekte hindern. Nun kommt noch die neulich beschlossene Expedition gegen Karolina. In diesem Land, wir haben Briefe, ist alles in solcher Unordnung, daß der Rath vollkommen seine Gewalt verloren, alle Gerichte beschlossen sind, kein Gesetz mehr vollstreckt wird, alle Stände sich vermengt haben, und die Geistlichen nichts als Aufruhr predigen. Auch ist die rebellische Faction so muthig, daß sie beschlossen haben, alle Weiber und Kinder ins innere Land zu versenden, die ganze Stadt Karlstown in Asche zu verwandeln, und über den Ruinen derselben sich mit den Engländern zu schlagen. Stellen Sie sich Kinlochs Herz vor, und seine edle Mutter in diesem fürchterlichen Land, in der Flucht, ausgesetzt allem Muthwillen der Soldaten, allen Anfällen der Verwüstung, dem Hunger und dem Mangel. Es ist sehr möglich, daß Kinloch selbst alles verliert, daß seine Pflanzungen verwüstet werden. Stellen Sie sich vor, was wir bei alledem denken und fühlen müssen.

9 Jan 1776

 Aus England haben wir Briefe, welche bestätigen, wasmaßen das ganze Ufer der nordamerikanischen See den Flammen und der Verwüstung gewidmet sey; auch sagen Sie, die Flotte gegen Karolina sey bereits abgesegelt. Kinloch und ich haben über unsre Bestimmung ein Project entworfen, welches allem Ansehen nach zu unserm gemeinschaftlichen Nutzen ausgeführt werden wird. Anfangs Aprillens geht mein Freund nach Frankreich in eine Provinzialstadt; ich nach Genthod zu den Weisen (dieses halten wir, d. i. die von Genthod und ich gewisser Leute wegen noch zur Zeit geheim). Gegen den Herbst gehe ich nach Marseille oder Lyon, finde daselbst Kinloch, gehe mit ihm nach Rom und von da durchs Tirol und Bayern hinunter in die Niederlande bis ans Meer. So werde ich diesen Sommer meine meisten Materialiensammlungen vollenden können und einen lehrreichen und `vergnügten Winter haben. Und was ferner? werden Sie mich fragen. In Jahresfrist wird es sich zeigen, ob Amerika noch wohnbar, ob Lord North noch Staatsminister sey, ob Kinloch sich in England oder in Amerika niederlassen werde. Accordingly werden wir uns entschließen.

19 Feb 1776

Vos lettres me font toujours grand plaisir mais aucune d'elles et en général, aucun événement ne m'a causé, depuis longtemps, un plaisir aussi vif que votre avant-dernière. Vous avez l'éloquence de Demosthène quand l'amitié vous inspire, et votre cœur est ce qu'il y a au monde de plus noble et de meilleur. Bonnet et Kinloch vous aiment avec enthousiasme, et moi, je suis plus déterminé que jamais à suivré en tout vos conseils. […] Mais, et Bonnet, et Mad. Bonnet, et Kinloch, et mes meilleurs amis, et les lumières que j'ai acquises en philosophie et en politique, à qui dois-je tout cela, mon ami? vous le savez.

Ihre Briefe machen mir immer sehr viel Vergnügen, aber seit langer Zeit hat kein Brief und keine Begebenheit mir so viel Freude verschafft, als Ihr vorletzter. Ihre Beredsamkeit ist Demosthenisch, wenn Sie von der Freundschaft begeistert sind, Ihr Herz aber der größten und edelsten Tugenden voll. Bonnet und Kinloch haben einen wahren Enthusiasmus für Sie gefühlt. Ich aber bin entschlossener, als noch Ihrem Rath zu folgen. [...] Hrn. Bonnet, Md. Bonnet und Kinloch und alle meine besten Freunde, nebst der Philosophie und Politik, wem bin ich alles schuldig? fragen Sie sich!

[sagechan]

i’m thinking of that post that’s like “it’s good and healthy to have friendships with people of different ages.”

i’m thinking of last night, when i sat with the 70 year-old husband of the woman who’d been in my creative writing classes eight years ago. she died in 2020, and now i visit her husband every month. i’m helping him publish her novel that she worked on for ten years but didn’t finish before we lost her. we lost her. her husband, her children, and me, who was only 19 when i met her in class and immediately she was like “you’re one of my kids now, even though all my kids are in their 30s and married and i would be ‘too old’ to have children again, you’re my kid now.” and we would joke in that class that she really was our “poetry mom.” but more than that, she was my friend. i wrote her letters when i moved across the country for grad school. we sent each other long emails about our lives and our families. we signed notes to each other “Your No. 1 Fan,” because we were each other’s first and dearest readers of the writing we were just beginning to mature in, me in my twenties and she in her sixties.

i’m thinking of last night, when her husband was telling me the story of how hard she could be on their kids when it came to school--because she loved them, because she expected the best from them and wanted the best for them--when he stopped speaking and his eyes lifted past my head, and he stared at something for a few moments. then he nodded to it and said, “that’s our wedding photo.” and i turned and it’s there behind me and there they are, just kids themselves. time folds in on itself, and he is remembering another story, and he says suddenly, “everything, all the things you ever fought about, it doesn’t matter. none of them matter. and you regret every fight, when they’re gone, you stay up at night thinking about it, trying to remember what you were so angry about, and you can’t, it isn’t there, you can’t remember.” and I say, “the sweet and happy moments only exist because there are the bitter moments too.” and he lifts his hands in a shrug and says, “you never know when you are in the sweet part of life. you never know to look around and appreciate it. until the bitter, the bad, comes along, and you struggle through it, and when you come out the other side, there is happiness again. and the love is always there.”

i’m thinking of how we treat our elders. i’m thinking of how many times i’ve read about people regretting their fights when their partner dies. and i’m thinking of how here, before me, is this real person who has experienced such a loss i will never know. i have lost the exact same person, but we knew her differently. and he is sharing it with me all the same. and i’m thinking again of how it is good and healthy and normal and necessary to build and maintain relationships with people of all ages. to keep and guard the memories of culture, and connection, and community. to receive the instructions of how to live and how to love from those who came before. to pass them on to those who will come after. to sit with people and hear their stories and understand that they are right there in front of you, still living, still in love.

[kakahut]

Death and Living.

I haven't written anything here for quite a long time. I didn't even remeber what I have written last time.

Life is confusing and had so much up and downs.

i can't believe I am 35, living a quite hipster life with no children, no man and a single apartment with limited savings. 2023 was tough, and 2024 is even worse, I sort of giving up the idea of looking for a full time position but do some projects on my own. Now, I have a company.

I was lucky that I always have friends who can be there for me. I really appreciate Vincent's support during the worst moment of my life and I never expectd to have a friendship like that after my 30s.

I am not happy happy, but I enjoy my life most of time and I know I am quite lucky. I honestly have very limited time thinking about men or dating as I really enjoy being around just with friends. Dating for me is draining, especially after what happened with Rob last September, I realized that my old habits die hard, my obession with "broken men" won't disappear in one day. I know I don't want them near my life anymore and I still don't know how to connect with the normal ones ( are there any out there anyway? lol) I am really more peaceful and happy to be with myself, my friends, my cats and my family.

A recent incident dragged me into old memories, Tommy died in a motocycle accident and I was the first to know in our circle. I was in shock and I almost forgot who he is and what happened between us unitl this message. All the memories I had about him starting to flow around in my head recently as I am trying to see if I can find any trace that I can feel sad.

Honestly, I don't feel a thing, for a moment, I feel he deserved it. It's his karma. Then I critisized myself of being mean as we did have good moments but then the horrible memory came back, the night he dragged me into the backdoor of a stairway trying to prevent me from telling the other girl about the entanglement we were having, the horror I felt he might hurt me eventually. The anger, the monster I was turning into after being peaceful for many years startled me. I knew I deserve better than that.

I cut off this circle immediately, I also cut off my friendship with Will because I know these are no longer good to me anymore .

I didn't realize it could be that easy as I was also feeling head to toe for a while. He was my muse, and some of his quality reminded me of Min ( they actually are very different people ) really sparkled my creativity and I felt sad that day I saw his true color because I felt I might not be able to create more work. Funny the reality was I made more work during my healing period at Vincent's apartment, I no longer draw feelings about men, I got inspiration from everything, from nature, from the understanding of myself.

I think the message of Tommy's death is a sign the universe is sending me. I knew one more piece should be made to put an end to a story, a story about illusion and expectation, a story of me chasing some shadows from the only relationship I cared in my life, I call it the PTSD of a young love syndrome.

That night, I had a dream about Min, after all these years, it was so vivid as if the past years never happened, we were still in that apartment on 1500 Walnut street, cooking and talking, felt so familar, just like old friends. He said to me " I wrote a review of each letters you sent to me" and I laughed and said " It's so you and I know you are the only person I know would do that." I woke up, looked around and knew I am back to my reality, no Min, no Philly, no Tommy, just my 2 cats cuddling next to me purring.

Life is an illusion overall, I just jumped from one to another, the bounary between reality and fantasy is always so blurry. Reading Buddhist texts are the best practise I did this year to go through hard times, it makes me more calm and stable. I have been so obssesed with the idea of love, the wanting of acceptance that I have neglected in this process, I should also be cared for.

To Tommy: I will foget you again but I will not forgive you even you were dead, you don't deserve it and you still don't deserve it.

Vincent always says that I should stop my obsession with my ex and move on and he is a bit tired of hearing my story always circling back to the same guy. I freaked out a bit when last week he mentioned his college roomate was a Korean guy from Michigan. It took me a week to ask what his name was, and he laughed and said, "I don't think you would have dated my roomate, Carol. He was a very quiet guy and he is married and have 2 children now."

All of a sudden, I felt a bit embarrased. When most of your friends are settled and focus on raising their children and in your head you were still thinking about a past illusion, I feel I was not improved and upgraded to a better version, as if I was stuck in the save level of a game over and over again. His words reminded me I should not be dragged back to past just because I enjoy the comfort it provides. 不要贪恋过去，这样我会感知不到现在，也就无法创造未来。

I rethink the idea of love. I belived even we were apart, my love should not die and if it fades away, then it is not true love. Now I was wondering, I am just enjoy the idea of it too much and the "love" didn't grow at all it was packed in an old box, it's a vintage. Most connection flows and nothing really last forever, things only can last if we put constant effort into it.

i have maintained this light connection for years because I really dont want the forget that version of myself, however, he is no longer who he was , neither am I , so this love has changed over time by itself.

I really wish Min can be happy, I might be jealous that he is happier than me now, but eventually, I deeply wish the best for him as he deserves good and healthy connection just like what I deserve.

So it's time to stay afar, wishing the best for him instead constantly remind him and myself of the past.

I don't know if I still "love" Min ( I want to love myself more first) , but I wish all the best because I really really really really care about you, and this won't die.

I really really really really really loved you with every breath I had and I tried to give you everyting I had to fullfill your void, and I would never do that for anyone else becasue it is not healthy. However, I can't deny it is romantic, innocent, and vivd that it is so beautiful. It is such a beautiful story.

So 2024, I will stop.

[grizzcore]

it’s so telling that you still think we’re going to ever apologize to you when youve literally terrorized our family and traumatized my partner so badly they can’t make friends anymore and needed to to be put into therapy for the trauma you caused -

because your intense emotional abuse over the short time we were ever pleasant to you and then prolonged stalking behavior you’ve exhibited since we cut you off over two and a half years ago, including sending letters to our home after knowing you weren’t ever even supposed to know our address, posting about us on an average of once every week for over two and a half years since we went fully no contact with you for our own safety , writing and posting a SONG ? ABOUT KNOWING WHERE WE LIVE ?? AND ADDRESSING OUR FEAR OF YOU IN SAID SONG??, attempting to shoehorn your way back into our lives countless times despite our only request be that you fully stay away from us, copying our personal styles to a degree of uncanny-ness that even YOUR PARTNER POINTED IT OUT TO HIS MOTHER, and repeatedly calling my husband SLURS ?? MAKING A POST ABOUT MY HUSBANDS RAPIST YOU NEVER KNEW AT ALL AFTER WE HAD ALREADY CUT YOU OFF? Showing up to family events you KNEW YOU WERE NOT WELCOME AT TO BREAK THE NO CONTACT??

Oh and the repeated act of calling yourself a lesbian on this app while ACTIVELY DATING MY BROTHER IN LAW which I cannot even fathom the reasoning behind other than the same wanting to wear our skinness of it all and the jealously you clearly have about lesbianism which I’m not going to sit here and speculate about because its your business, even if it is gross to see as an actual lesbian

All of this. All of this because my partner and I were VICTIMS OF A VIOLENT HATE CRIME two and a half years ago, and while he was venting about the homophobic violence we had JUST SURVIVED , my partner called you straight - and when you corrected him and told him you were bi- which he GENUINELY DIDNT KNOW- he CORRECTLY called you straight passing - which you then had ‘your partner’ (we know you wrote that text) text my husband a paragraph long attack about how you are actually bi and nonbinary and only present femme because of a homophobic home life.

Which …. STILL MADE YOU STRAIGHT PASSING??

You then continue to insist we had to know you were bi because we had followed your insta where you apparently had your pronouns in your bio and posted about queerness -

Newsflash for you . We didn’t look at your insta, because we didn’t care. We are older than you and at the time we met you were a minor and we were in our early 20s and frankly weren’t interested in a close friendship with you at that time. You did not get that and started latching onto us and getting very offended any time we pointed out that we were much older than you. Which is hilarious considering you now paint this as we were adults who started “stalking your social media” since you were a minor - which isn’t even true. We didn’t start regularly watching your social media until you were an adult. People had sent us screenshots of your abuse towards us before then, and we had followed you until the no contact WE ESTABLISHED, but other than that we very rarely saw your socials unless promoted to by someone else informing us you had posted something about us.

Newsflash two- Being straight passing isn’t an insult, it’s a privilege. One you have , undeniably. someone pointing out your privilege isn’t an insult, though I know you struggle with this as you have the biggest victim mentality of anyone I ever met, which is crazy considering you wanted to become a cop when we met- and you being offended that people who are ACTUALLY visibly queer and who face VIOLENCE in the face of that did not appreciate you trying so desperately hard to relate to the real aggression faced by visibly queer people (and I mean VISIBLY as in you can look at someone and tell they are queer, not that you announce your queerness to everyone you deem safe to do so. There is a difference between visible queerness and being uncloseted - nether of which you fully were at the time.) as in ACTUALLY FACED because a man tried to KILL US WITH A BRICK ?? We only got away by risking our lives driving into opposite traffic while actively sobbing with fear for our lives??

You then recently right after we moved back to our home state, something we were horrified of BECAUSE OF YOU- had your sibling who you’ve described as “a violent cyber stalker with homicidal tendencies” start harassing my partner because *checks notes* he liked Harry Potter when he WAS A KID????

At which point we involved two mental health professionals, a social worker- and the police. Who instructed us to watch your social media to keep track of your aggression toward us because you seemed to be escalating toward violence.

You are still obsessively angry two and half years later because my partner wouldn’t falsely let you claim to relate to the violent homophobia faced by actual butch lesbians, especially those who are in butch4butch relationships that can be perceived as gay men on sight.

You were a flowy blouse and long skirt wearer with long brown hair dating a cisgender man who- listen here! Important info! EXCLUSIVELY REFFERED TO YOU BY SHE/HER PRONOUNS AND “GIRLFRIEND” UNTIL FAR, FAR AFTER ALL OF THIS.

So no, basil. We genuinely didn’t know you were nonbinary and bi until that conversation, nor does it make you and your partner any less straight passing. No one would hate crime you for the act of being in the car with your boyfriend.

You can be mad for the rest of your life that we don’t like you. You can be angry we feel unsafe because of you and your laundry list of volatile actions.

The only thing we ever did was tell you that you were straight passing, and then tell you later to leave us alone because of how horribly you reacted and for so long. And for this we have been subjected to years, literal years, of torment from an obsessed ruminator who cannot unlatch from their cycle of emotional disregulation to take a step back and think “hey maybe me posting about these guys who asked me to leave them alone all of the time , writing a song about them, sending a letter to their house in a different state, telling them I’m glad they’re scared of me, vague posting about them constantly, (this is the first time we’ve ever posted about you!) , sent my emotionally unwell sibling with cyber stalking issues after them, and then knowingly showing up to a family event I know I’m not supposed to go to because one of them who is particularly afraid of me because of the way I I targeted him so hard with my aggression when we were still friends and I was really unwell and then blew up at him repeatedly was going to be there, maybe… maybe I really should leave them alone. Stop posting about them. Maybe I’m causing years of trauma to two people who’s biggest crime was feeling unsafe around me when I was really unwell and now they don’t want to forgive me for the way I behaved because it was so damaging to them. Maybe I should just let this go. Maybe I have been the bad person in this scenario and just don’t understand how hard of a boundary has been set here.”

Instead of that you’re angry you won’t get your way and have us crawl back to you apologizing so you can , what? what exactly? tell us to go fuck ourselves ??

We don’t owe you an apology. We owe you nothing. No one owes you anything, not even validation. We don’t even want an apology from you- which we told you when we cut you off, the last time we ever contacted you in any way, directly or indirectly. We just want you to stay away from us and stop posting about us, because the trauma you caused by the constant trauma dumping, constant over attached behavior, lack of understanding of boundaries, the aggression you showed my husband, the lies you told me, the stalking behavior, the song, the letter

You need serious , serious help. All we want is for you to stop. We have had to feel unsafe for years because you were offended once.

We know you looked up to us. We get it’s hard to be cut off from people you had insisted were roll models to you. But your own behavior is what landed you there. You could not listen to basic boundaries and you were causing lasting harm even before you escalated to … all of this

I intended to never contact you in any way, and I will stick to that. I will continue to watch your blog as that is what , again, two mental health professionals, a social worker, and the police told us was necessary to protect ourselves because you behave in a way that indicates serious harm could come from you in the future and we need to document your threats and harassment to defend yourselves from you.

I asked them not to confront you because I felt guilt to even involve the police in this. I genuinely don’t want you hurt. I just want you to stop. Stop posting. Stop watching us. Stop talking about us.

My husband called you straight passing after someone tried to murder him - and for that? For that? we live in constant fear, not of the man who laughed while trying to kill us, but of YOU for making it an event we can never move past because you cannot stop bringing it up with no context and using it to justify your blind, unending, misdirected rage you will continue to take out on us until the second you are happy with who you are without the need for our validation

Let me make this very clear : you are not forgiven. We are not sorry. You are NOT welcome in our lives. You NEED to leave us alone. You are NOT welcome to our family homes. You are NOT going to hear from us directly , ever again. This is the last message I’ll ever write to you until it turns into a court date if your postings don’t stop.

You will never meet our children and if your partner is still with you when they are born; he will not be meeting them either. His disrespect of bringing you to an event he knew his brother would be at solidified to us both that he cannot be trusted to handle delicate family matters respectfully.

My husband has developed seriously debilitating mental health issues because of the stress this has caused. That is YOUR legacy. That two people cutting you off because of how badly you handled your emotions made you so angry you decided it was worth dedicating years of your life to mentally destroying them.

When I knew you you complained often that people abandon you with no reason. That people “intentionally misunderstood” you.

No, basil. People see you. People know that you have serious issues they don’t have the capacity to handle and they grow tired of the lashing out and excuses.

You try so hard , so so hard to ruin our lives and I’m done sitting down and taking it silently.

You’re a monster. You are the single most unwell person I’ve ever met. You made the trauma of two gay people almost getting murdered - about you, somehow - and yet cannot stop this insistence that we make everything about ourselves.

Basil you don’t know us. You barely let us speak in the time we knew you. You took up all the space over sharing, trauma dumping, and lying. We tried hard, and even after my husband realized what you were and distanced himself, I tried really hard to be there for you. I let you tell me anything, I really really tried to support you. But the second I told you that dating during the first year of sobriety was really dangerous and typically lead to abusive behavior and that no real reputable rehab program would encourage you to stay in a relationship you were in while actively using? you split on me so hard it was like a movie. And then you lied and tried so , so hard to convince everyone I made the whole thing up even when you WENT TO THE REHAB I RECOMMENDED. Which is the weirdest gaslighting I’ve ever experienced , to be honest.

I know this post is all over the place. I don’t care to lay it out by timeline- you know what you did. Or maybe you really don’t. Maybe your continued insistence that you don’t understand why people leave you is true. Maybe this stuff is so natural to you it rolls right off your back and doesn’t even register as damaging. Who knows.

What I do know ? Is that you’re never welcome back in our lives. And you’re certainly not getting an “apology”.

[ahundredtimesover]

Not me finding a way to read while at my work desk I hate this for Yoongi because OC has the nerve or kind of lack of awareness to be troubling my man Yoongi with her relationship woes , after she basically admitted that Yoongi was not worth opening her heart to him . I wanted him to say that despite the missed connection with her he proceeded to open his heart to someone after (in my perfect world me ..but yeah I'm just so attached to Yoons I hate to see him not get his heart's desire but I get it for the plot )

OC mom going through her bad relationship makes me glad I was raised my a strong mother , who never exposed me to toxic men , and sometimes I find it hard to sympathize with parents who keep bad people around their kids especially not their bio parents , (yes no one is perfect)

Have we confirmed Joon has a spouse at home because he too much in the mix and our focus is on getting OC and Kook together

Lonely baby JK playing by himself is so sad to imagine

Not her wanting to telling JK all this additional stuff , but not telling him she loves him , no ma'am you get no support from me until you truly confess your feelings and end our torture .

I dont see how showing up unannounced to the office will go overwell , after you broke that mans heart but lets hope for the best .

Everything forgiven without an conversation , girl . But maybe its all in the letter she wrote will provide that result

Dang not him essentially leaving her on read , yikes , well i guess not on read , he just been so busy distracting himself he missed it completely

Look at our Hobi supporting these to emotionally constipated star crossed lovers

Is Chocopie a Korean exclusive snack , dont think ive ever had one but i use to love lil debbie strawberry shortcake snacks as a kid

Dang I hate that Mr Ri never really moved on but him being a protector for OC is his way to carry on that love , and like he said in another universe they are peacefully on a farm

As we open up the Center I still cant help but wonder is Kook's brother at

Also it took me roughly 4 hours to get this far while also working but I kept going back to the tab this was in . And I’m still not finished but reading made my Monday much more enjoyable

Hiii appreciate you reading this during work 😂 and that it amused you somehow! 😊 So, to comment on your points:

Hmm I wouldn’t say OC was troubling Yoongi. He asked her out years ago, she turned him down, and they’ve been good friends ever since. Their relationship is part of the theme - vulnerability in friendship. Yoongi always said he’s just there if she needs anyone, and he specifically asked her to reach out to him about what she’s going through. If she hadn’t, that defeats the purpose of them moving on from what they could’ve been.

I’m with you in being against those who expose their kids to toxic people. But OC’s mom tried her best to protect her daughter; she never left OC alone with her partner once he started acting up. With help, they managed to get away and she worked hard to get OC through school. That’s a strong woman in my book. And they have a very close relationship. OC knew her mother was always trying to protect her.

Joon’s relationship status isn’t rly relevant haha I get that people are nervous but he’s the new boss and mentor. That’s huge for OC professionally.

And sad boy jk all alone will always be 💔

The conversations between OC and jk will happen! Lots of them haha

Chocopie is a Korean snack.

Mr Ri’s story is meant to be sad. It’s meant to illustrate how decisions completely redirect our lives and that heartbreak is something people live with their whole lives. But he’s a loved man. It’s important to him that jk and OC find each other and he played a big role.

Where is JK’s brother? Hahaha yeah he’s somewhere 🤔 living abroad! That’s a whole other plot point!

[sugas-sweetheart]

Hi!!!!!! If you still have a love letter slot, could I make a request? Could I request a confession letter from Atsumu Miya? He and the reader have been frenemies forever, but the reader finally got asked out by another boy and he finally realized his feelings? Just the idea of atsumu addressing someone who he’s been beefing with showing his admiration, and finally confessing everything he loves about them would make my heart 🥰

A/N: tysm!! first event request done <3 I'm still not sure how i feel about the banner for this but i can always change it, i hope you enjoy this little letter!! this made me realise that I've never written for atsumu so it was a little bit of a learning curve and i apologise for any ooc-ness, enjoy <3

genre/warnings: part of blog bday event, atsumu's pov, i used I so much in this first person things are so weird to write, atsumu being a slightly oblivious idiot with a crush on his frenemy, tsumu ooc-ness as this is my first time writing for him, i just think he’d be a bit of a bumbling idiot trying to confess

Pairing: Miya Atsumu x gn!reader 

Format: written letter (wc: 520)

reblogs appreciated!

Hey Idiot, 

         I know this may come off as odd, or random. Miya Atsumu voluntarily writing a letter to you? What happened to him? Well, it was more prompted by Aran and ‘Samu, but that’s another story for another day. Writing this all down seemed like a waste of time at first, I was going to wait and maybe do all of this in person, but I’m not very good at that. Whenever I’m around you there’s like a fog that makes me forget what I was thinking about. The team sometimes makes fun of me for it, but it took a long while for me to accept and realise why it happens. 

Some people think things like this are romantic, some people prefer it to be done face to face - I can only hope you don't mind the countless attempts it took me to write this instead of being upfront and doing it in person where I’d probably not get anything but a sarcastic comment out before actually telling you the truth. 

In short, please for the love of everything don't go on that date Saturday night. Make an excuse, make plans with someone else, make plans with me. Just don’t go on that date. Maybe it was seeing how you smiled with them that made me do this and how I wanted it to be me that you smiled at like that. I want you to look at me that way when I tell a joke or compliment you. I want to see the way your eyes light up watching me play with my team, I want to support you in your hobbies the way you do when I spot you hidden at the back of the crowd at our matches. I want to take you out on the weekends, to spend hours huddled together watching movies you like. I want you to be mine and for me to be yours, but I get all defensive when you’re around because our friendship started out with playful bullying and it never stopped and now being nice to you without any forewarning feels strange. Even starting this letter I couldn’t pick a sweet nickname to use for you, but maybe we could try some of those in time? Only if you’re okay with them of course. 

I think why I wrote this in the end was the fear of seeing your reaction. If you read this and you do go out with them, this can all be put behind us, you can ignore me, whatever helps you and me move on from this painfully long letter, but I couldn’t say nothing because one day I’d say something stupid and blurt it out in public. I like you. I really like you, and whatever you feel for me is okay. If you ignore me after this, that’s okay. Equally, if you were to ask me what I would plan for us to do Saturday night I would be ecstatic and look forward to it all week. Take your time, I’ll always be waiting for you. 

From, 

Your favourite twin, Miya Atsumu

reminder that my event slots were still never filled so they are still attainable, event post linked here <3

[mithliya]

hey i just wanted to say thank you for talking about your SA. i actually had a very similar experience w/ a guy i was really good friends with in high school.

he was my best friend, but i got pressured into dating him by my friends, family, his parents. (his mom guilted me into being w/ him 🙄 practically stalked me til i said yes)

he ended up abusing me for nearly 3 years.

and in that time i wrote stupid notes or letters to him making sex jokes cuz i was a KID. the lawyer we hired blamed me for his actions bc of the letters bc of he did 🤦🏻‍♀️

but even still, some weird part of me misses our friendship that we had before other people started meddling in our business. it makes me feel guilty sometimes, and other times it's relief. iunno trauma is weird.

uh but yeah. thank you for sharing, i know it's hard to talk about and be open with this sort of thing. i just wanted to say that you aren't alone as a lesbian who wrote dumb things as a kid or who missed/misses what friendship you had before your friend SA'd.

i think it's also extremely fucked up for people to judge your sexuality based on the way you tried to cope in the past, let alone now.

just know that a lot of women, myself included, really appreciate you being here c:

hey thank u for sharing ur story with me ❣️ honestly the thing that rly hurt about it looking back is it was in a v vulnerable time in my life. i rly had practically nobody. i lost almost all my friends bc i was suddenly a "whore" for getting raped. i would get these messages on all my social media accounts like "you deserved it" "you were seducing him" "haha hes living a good life and youre cutting yourself looooooooool pathetic!!". my friend group went from a lot of my school (small school but its normal for bahrain) to like ... 4 people in bahrain. one of them was that guy that had a crush on me since we were like 11. he would stand between me n my rapist and went to the principal about it so that i would have lesser proximity and was one of the only people who seemed to empathise w my situation. i felt quite indebted to him n everyone would repeatedly call me an idiot and tell me i should be with him and my mom would say she wishes he could be her son in law or w/e and at one point he started insisting that we are together despite me telling him no we are not & that i dont want to be w him. i gave up on saying no eventually n just went along with all of it. i felt like i was stupid for saying no ??? ppl kept telling me i was n i was like huh i guess i am. never said no again rly, up until the very end where i could no longer ignore it n keep putting myself thru any of that. after leaving that situation i saw how fucked up it was that there were all these obvious signs and me obviously signalling TO HIS FACE that i dont want to be w him, that im not interested in him, that it was further traumatising me n harming my mental health, and also the times where what he was doing would fall under SA....idk i felt stupid for facing one male friend taking advantage of me and then another one doing it soon after right in front of my face n i thought it was somehow different and normal and ok simply bc i wasnt getting downright threatened. but i know if someone else didnt hear my rape story n tell me "uh thats rape and thats fucked up" to begin with i wouldve also probably let that happen again n again too n not thought much about that while getting traumatised until afterwards too.

anyways... im glad that ur out of that situation. im sorry that we have some shared trauma there. shit like this is why i dont even trust "nice guys" anymore fr. i dont think that many ppl can rly understand that sort of situation and i can get how its confusing, bc it was a confusing time for me too. but idk why they think theyd know better than me about my own life either lol

[arvinsescape]

Haz and Harry writes two love letters while they are drunk, one for Tom, and one for Y/n, but they made it seem like they wrote it for each other.

Plot twist, Tom and Y/n are dating in secret.

Love letters.

A/N: So I loved this idea!! Thank you so much for sending it in!! I hope you enjoy and I hope it's what you're looking for!! 💕

Haz and Harry were so drunk as they sat on the couch together, everyone else had retired to bed. The alcohol was buzzing through their systems as they talked, hushing their voices and giggling every now and again.

"No, they have to have fucked though right?" Haz asked as he burst into a fit of giggles.

"Gross man, I don't wanna think about my brother and one of our best friends sleeping with each other." Harry groaned as he ran his hand down his face.

"They are so close though." Haz said and Harry laughed.

"Yeah they are." He agreed. "Wait though, they could just be super close, nothing has to be going on." Harry shrugged.

"Nah," Haz burst into yet another fit of giggles. "They are pining over each other." He added before an idea popped into his head. "Harry, that's it!" He suddenly said, voice a little louder. "We do something, make them realise they are made for each other." He said as he sat upright.

"Like what?" Harry asked, brows furrowed but thoroughly on board.

"We should write them love letters. I'll write Y/N's, you write Tom's!" He said almost excitedly.

"So I write a letter to Tom, pretending to be Y/N? A love letter?" He clarified as Haz jumped up from the couch, quietly disappearing into Tom's office.

"Here." He said handing Harry a piece of paper and a pen. "When you're done, put it in his gym bag, I'll put Y/N's in her bag." He said as he pointed towards your handbag that was by the front door.

"Hang on, why do I get the risky one? Tom's gym bag is in his room." Harry exclaimed.

"Well you're his brother, it'd be fine, besides he sleeps through anything."

"Fine." Harry responded as the two of them got to work.

**

Tom was getting changed after his shower at the gym when he found the letter, addressed to him. He furrowed his brows as he hastily opened it, reading the contents.

Tom,

I want to start off by telling you that I find you really attractive, one of the best looking guys I know. You make me laugh, more than anyone else. You know how to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day.

I love the way you make me tea when I'm sad. Even if you can't make a cup of tea for shit. I love the way you always know what to do to make me feel better, whether that be a hug or just taking me out for the day, it's like you always know what I need and I love that about you.

I love how you always call me and facetime me when you go away to film, how it always seems to be that you're thinking about me. How you always text me emoji's at random times of the day if you have nothing else to say, just so I know you're thinking of me.

I love how much you look after me, even though I'm not yours to look after. You always make me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet just by looking at me. You make me feel safe when we're out together, always keeping a close eye on me.

I'm too scared to do this in person so I thought I'd write it in a letter. I think I'm in love with you, I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying it to your face. If you don't feel the same way, please, just rip this letter up and never mention it.

All my love,

Y/N.

Tom smiled as he read the letter, stuffing it back into his gym bag as he shook his head with a laugh.

You'd found yours earlier on in the morning, you'd lost something and were rummaging through your bag when you found it, eyes furrowed as you pulled the letter from the envelope addressed to you.

Y/N,

Where do I start? I suppose I should start by telling you how perfect you are. You really really are, everything about you is perfect and I suppose that's the purpose of this letter. I want you to know how incredible you are to me.

I love the way you smile, it's contagious, makes me smile just to see your pretty one grace your lips. I love how you smile even when you're not happy, how you never try and bring the mood down but I want you to know I see through it. I know when you're not okay and it makes me sad.

I hate when you're not okay, I just want to cuddle you, make everything go away for you. I'd take all of the weight off your shoulders, always and carry it myself. Shit, darling, I think I'd do anything for you.

I love how pretty your eyes are, I get lost in them sometimes. Sometimes I just want to kiss you but I can't because we're just friends. I want to be more, I've always wanted to be more.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you, I want to tell you in person but I always get too afraid because I always think you can do better than me, you deserve the world and I wish I could be the one to make you happy for the rest of your life.

Love you so much darling,

Tom.

You laughed as you read the letter, studying it carefully as you placed it on your bed. Tom came home from the gym and was thankful he didn't see anyone as he made his way upstairs and hastily into your room, shutting the door as he turned to look at you. You had an amused glint in your eyes.

"You were busy last night." You mused as you held the letter up in his direction.

"So were you." He grinned back as he held his own letter up. "Although I appreciate the sentiment, a few things aren't right in here."

"No? Strange that. This letter doesn't quite seem right."

"No?"

"No, darling was a nickname from a while ago." You laughed.

"Yeah, you're usually much more eloquent. Probably drunken rambling this." He mused back. "Do you think we should tell them?"

"What? That their penmanship needs work?" You laughed as you made your way towards him, arms looping round his neck as his found your waist, pulling you in for a kiss.

**

Harry and Haz both looked like shit when they came downstairs. Harry eyeing the letter's carefully as he sat down, he looked at his brother who looked nothing but amused.

"Good night last night?" Tom asked as you sat next to him on the couch, Tom wrapping an arm around your shoulders and bringing you in closer.

"You were there." Harry said as he gulped down the water Tuwaine had brought in for the hungover lads.

"No, I recall you staying up later than we did." Tom laughed and Haz groaned.

"Tom, keep your voice down."

"Sorry, I'll try and be quieter. I mean, I just hate when you're not okay, I just want to cuddle you." Tom teased as Haz furrowed his brows.

"What the hell are you going on about?"

"You don't remember last night?" Tom asked and Haz shook his head. "You left Y/N a lovely letter, made her morning. Although, I probably should have mentioned that I have a new nickname for her, I haven't called her darling for a while, she's been upgraded to Princess."

"Yeah and Harry?" You mused as the curly haired boy looked at you. "Tom always signs my name off in this cute little way. I also very much enjoy his brews, you outed yourself there mate." You laughed.

"What are you two going on about?" Harry grumbled.

"Maybe those will jog your memories." Tom laughed as the boys picked them up reading through them.

"Who's idea was this?" Harry said, brows furrowed. "This looks nothing like Y/N's writing, it's obviously mine."

"Well I wouldn't have come up with something so ridiculous." Haz said, tossing the letter back on the coffee table.

"If you want pointers for next time, I'll happily lend you the letter I actually sent Y/N a couple of months ago." Tom shrugged and the boys narrowed their eyes at the two of you.

"Wait a second, are you two?" Harry cut himself off.

"Yeah, I told her months ago I was in love with her. Nice try though boys, I appreciate the sentiment." Tom grinned as he leant down to capture your lips in his. "Besides, when you went to put that letter in my gym bag did you wonder at all why I wasn't in bed?" Tom teased.

"No! I don't even remember doing it."

"Harry, on what planet would you think that was ever going to work?"

"Me? This has your drunken stupidity written all over it." Harry fired back, completely lost in their own argument as you and Tom were lost in each other.

[honey-milk-depresso]

Meanie (Azul Ashengrotto x Reader) 8

Part 1,

part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8 (END)

The final chapter. Congratulations for surviving this long with my bullshit-

“Everyone, please place the flower we have given you in their coffin.”

The sunlight was shining brightly in the early morning of NRC’s campus, 

but no happiness was to be found.

Just yesterday, you have died.

And it took a moment for Azul to realize that you were truly gone.

Everyone in NRC lined up in a single file to pay their final respects to you, one by one placing their flower in your coffin.

When it came to Azul’s turn, he had to hold himself from crying. He felt as if you were watching him. If he cried, you’ll cry too, and he doesn’t want you to fully leave this world with sadness and guilt.

He looked at you. Even if you’re dead, you looked as beautiful as ever.

He grabbed your cold hands, and placed the flower in the middle of your chest, before he gently used your hands to cover the flower, as if you are holding it.

“I love you,” he whispered, “I hope you go to a safe place.” And he walked away.

=============================================================

Azul walked back to Octavinelle with Jade and Floyd. They were silent. Yes, even Floyd stayed quiet.

The atmosphere was solemn.

Azul was solemn.

Never in his life have he came across death, let alone, someone he hold close to.

He used to love before.

He went back to his office alone and tilted his head up. Jade and Floyd went back to their rooms.

He’s not crying. He won’t cry for you.

Read it.

He heard something whisper.

“What..?”

The notebook.

He glanced to his right, the notebook labelled “ To Azul Ashengrotto”.

“Read it after they die,” Trey’s words echoed in his head as he recalls.

He grabbed the book.

To Azul Ashengrotto.

He stared at it, hesitantly flipping to the first page.

“I’m rewriting this from the accounts of Y/n, Azul. She asked for it. I hope you’re reading this.

- Trey Clover”

So Trey wrote this book for you to him.

“Azul and I were chilling at Monstro Lounge in the VIP room.

Lmao, he was soooo unlucky with his pulls, and had to answer all my questions and stuff. Apparently he thinks Idia is more handsome than Jade. Ooh~ 

I really loved the fact he wanted to spend time with me although he looks so done. I really appreciate it!”

He snorted. That was so you.

“Azul and I hanged out at the Rose Kingdom. I’m so glad Headmaster allowed me to hang out with him! Sometimes I feel like Headmaster is a dad. 

I had so much fun! Though, it’s kinda embarrassing that Azul spoilt me with so many gifts, and all I did was drag him around. I love the octopus plushie he won for me. It’s so chubby, soft and cute, just like him! 

He also bought me food from Trey’s awesome family bakery, and a really expensive pendent. I feel guilty, but I love it! It’s so pretty!”

He sighed. Really? Chubby?

“Headmaster told me I’m going to die in five months time. I’m really scared. I know I’ve joked about I feel like dying cuz of Professor Crewel’s homework, now facing with death, it feels really scary.

I have to tell everyone right? Headmaster told me he’ll tell my friends, that includes Azul. How would he feel? I don’t want him to feel sad..”

He flipped to the next page.

“Azul, Jade and Floyd came to visit me. Actually EVERYONE did! Even Leona and Idia! Can you believe it?? But I was so happy that Azul and the tweels came.

I rubbed my eyes so hard because I didn’t want them to see me cry. I was just so happy to see them!”

“Trey told me something. Well, an offered to do something for me. 

He knew I had a superrrr big crush on Azul, and he said I should tell him. I was so embarrassed at first, but I’m going to die soon, so I have to confess sooner or later right? 

He told me he’ll write a whole record of me of what I want to tell him, and then I can give it for him to read after I die.

Sounds like a good idea, but also kind of cruel. After I die????

What should I do?”

So that’s what you were talking about with him.

“I got to be discharged!

FINALLY OH MY SEVENSSSSS-

I CAN GET FRESH AIR BEFORE I DIE

DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING IT IS TO BE CHAINED TO A BED, DOING NOTHING UNTIL SOMEONE COMES TO VISIT???

PROFESSOR TREIN’S CLASS IS WAY BETTER-

Azul brought me around the entire campus, and to Octavinelle! And we played UNO! Although I lost a lot... But I’m happy I got to spend time with him and see everyone outside of the infirmary! ^^”

“I went to NRC’s Halloween Celebration!

IT. WAS. SO. COOL!!

There were like flying decorations and good food,

I got to see NRC become so lively and colorful! It was amazing!

Also I got to hang out with Azul and the tweels, and of course, everyone else!

I even got to be part of all the scaring and stuff at the Octavinelle’s scare house! heheheh~ 

I love the big finale, I wish it could last forever.”

“I made up my mind. 

I’m gonna ask Trey to help me write that book. I want Azul to have a piece of me even when I’m gone. I won’t leave him alone, and I’ll do everything in my power to do so.

If Trey is giving me the opportunity to do so, I’ll take it! Though, I should’ve done it from the beginning..”

“Azul kissed me. 

Oh my shit-

MMM I SHOULDN’T HAVE DRANK THE PLUM WINE HE GAVE ME BEFORE WE KISSED, I PROBABLY SMELT BAD-

BUT HE SAID HE LIKES IT??? WAS IT A GOOD CALL I DON’T KNOW-

But... I’m happy.. I got the courage to confess to him! On top of that, he said yes! I’m so happy I could cry..”

“I’m going to be giving the notebook to Trey. He’s gonna record it all down for me today. 

Azul, I hope you’re reading this. I want you to flip to the back. I asked Trey to attached something really important I want to share with you.”

He flipped to the back. There was a slip of paper folded, stapled to the page. It also held the pendent he bought for you. He grabbed it, and unfolded the paper.

“Azul, 

I’m writing this to you 5 months before I die. Crowley told me to tell everyone about my condition, but I wrote this for you specially.

Remember I told you in that truth or dare game?

“If I told you I was scared to die, what would you do?”

To tell you now, I’m still kind of scared. But I won’t show it! Pretending not being scared isn’t like lying.

Okay, but a practical thing, you could do anything you want with this book.

You can tear it up, throw it away, hide it or even show to everyone! Totally up to you!

I’m gonna be honest with you, I was and still jealous of you.

You were and are the picture perfect honor student of NRC. I haven’t been in NRC as long as you, but I’m just so jealous you manage to be so cool and flawless in everything you do! Well, maybe except for flying..

But still! You were and still are my role model! You always manage to amaze me! But not only that, you treated me like your best friend no matter what position you are! Maybe that’s why I fell for you, you didn’t show biasness towards me to become my friend. I hope you were genuine about our friendship!

But, I like the fact you actually sometimes don’t need other people to reflect about yourself, unlike me. I can’t reflect about me all by myself. If I were like you, maybe I could’ve been able to live entirely by myself, with my own unique worth and responsibilities. Of course, while still being friends with others!

But when it comes to self reflection, you are down to earth with yourself, you speak to yourself, and that’s very independent of you. Ever since you were little you were like that too, and that’s what made you hardworking and diligent!

I’ll end it right here, to tell you I love you. Ehehe~ Sorry it’s so sudden.

I love you, meanie.”

drip.

Pitter, patter, pitter, patter.

Slowly, Azul felt tears rolling down his face.

He broke. Except... that wasn’t true.

He’d been broken when he first heard you were about to die. He just kept strong for you, as you did for him.

He was so glad, he had spent his time with you.

You needed him. You felt like he’d done everything for you.

But now, you’re gone.

It was thanks to you, he never felt insecure about his past anymore. For the first time he met you, his really lived for the first time. He existed in this world.

“Thank you, y/n..” he choked, smiling meekly at your final goodbye letter to him, as he clutched the pendent he gave you.

“I love you so much...”

From Ramshackle dorm, your slightly dusty octopus plushie rest on the side of your pillow.

From far away, he sensed you hugging it, whispering so close to him although so far,

“I love you too, meanie..”

END

============================================================

HO SHIT-

REBLOG IT I FELT MY TEARS I-

Ok I’m joking

thank you for surviving and following with the story. 

Azul loves you. Bye, have a good day!

@magicpumpkin3 don’t kill me pls-

[maldiaaym]

Why do I think Lily Evans (Potter) was not a good friend?

Until recently, the general opinion of the fandom was that Lily Potter was a good girl, deified and the representation of purity and goodness. But, doing a more exhaustive study of the character, we can get to see how Lily evans maybe was not so holy and made mistakes due to her education and, possibly, depending on the stage of her life where she found herself when she made those mistakes.

In relation to Severus Snape, I think she was not a good friend. Regardless of his age, which we all understand that we do not see friendship in childhood, adolescence or adulthood, she also had defects that compared to other characters in the saga, they were not a role model.

Starting from the little we know about her through the worst memory and Snape's memories, we are going to take some situations into account to assess her defects:

She blamed Snape for the letter Petunia sent to Dumbledore.

She got mad at Snape for dropping a branch on Petunia, even though he did so unconsciously and Petunia was rude to him.

The discussion with Snape about what happened with Remus (werewolf accident), his distrust of who was her friend and believing others before, not caring about Snape.

The lake scene, where she never addressed Snape once, as if he didn't know him and was just another boy to help.

The same lake scene, where she taunted Snape after he called her "Mudblood".

Now, let's talk about the problems at different levels (social, emotional, mental, physical and cultural):

Social: Snape comes from a lower social class than Lily and, although at first the girl Lily did not see the difference, I suppose that as time passed she realized that it did not look good for Snape to wear second hand clothes (surely ), he had serious problems in the family sphere, Snape's own unsociable nature that did not allow him to have a larger group of friends. In childhood we do not usually take into account the social variable when making friends with other children (pre-Hogwarts), but as she became related to the peer group at Hogwarts, she surely could not help feeling somewhat ashamed of the friendship with Snape . Let me explain, in Snape's adulthood it seems that no one knew about Lily and Snape's friendship, so it would be a secret friendship (and we all know that shame towards the other is what leads to secret friendships and relationships).

Emotional: Lily quickly connected with Snape because there was something she needed from him, and it was the knowledge and the desire to be accepted in a place like Hogwarts. Hogwarts was a new world that she did not know and Snape could offer her the security of knowing that world ... But, when she knew what she had to know, Snape had nothing more to offer her, but a clandestine and unrewarding friendship for her. It is not a mistake to think this, but it does show that she deliberately used Snape and that their friendship deteriorated over time. I think she might have felt friendship for Snape in a pure way, but when she began to be friends with the marauders, her emotional level turned towards these guys and she began to move away from Snape. I think the dark arts were an excuse to end the friendship, wanting to get away from him in an interested way ... it's easy to think that, when you really feel empathy for someone, you try to make the effort to understand that person, to know why him he likes the dark arts. However, she Lily was not able to understand him, understand his fears, his insecurities and the need to flee from the hell where he was stuck.Referring to the lake scene, I think Lily had a complete dissociation from Snape by now, she didn't defend being his friend, she didn't speak to him directly even once, and when he made a mistake due to the situation, she scoffed of him and "flirted" with James.

Mental: I think Lily never understood the true meaning of friendship, not at least as she later taught us Harry by understanding Ron and Hermione and accepting his flaws, even when this child was only 11 years old. I think that Lily, as soon as she could, got rid of Snape because she no longer wanted to have an uncomfortable friend, a friend who surely helped her for years in her studies at Hogwarts (I mean surely potions). Snape was like a teacher for Lily in her access to the magical world, he helped her in the study and knowledge of the magical world and I think that Lily stopped seeing usefulness when she already found in Gryffindor and the marauders the way to go her way . I mean, I think she coldly weighed whether or not she was interested in staying friends with Snape and she conveniently cut off the friendship when she got the chance. Lily showed herself to be a cold person who did not understand what Snape was in her whole and who did not appreciate all that he had done for her.I know that calling her "Mudbloods" was not right, but instead of trying to understand the shame and harassment that Snape felt at that time, she broke off the friendship and remained friends with the stalker, the one who emotionally blackmailed her and who continued to be a bully. No one can convince me otherwise.

Physical: here we will talk about the implications of a person who is not really physically attractive. There are studies that determine that people who do not fit the standards of beauty tend to have fewer opportunities in social relationships, love relationships or even find a job. With all this I mean that, when we are children, we do not care about anyone's physical appearance, but when we reach adolescence, our group of equals teach us the canons of beauty, which is considered handsome or what not. In this case, I think Lily was superficial. That is to say, Snape was not physically attractive, surely he did not look comfortable being with him because she was a popular, pretty girl, and he was attracted to a boy who was much more attractive than Snape (even though James was, in my opinion, uglier emotionally and disrespectful to others, adding being a bully). Lily preferred to go for the handsome boy rather than choose a loyal friend who was unattractive.

Cultural: At this level many factors enter, but here I will choose to talk about the differences of ideologies and different culture between Slytherin and Gryffindor. As we know, both houses were enemies, they were the contrast between good and evil in the Harry Potter saga. Slytherin represented everything bad and Gryffindor everything good. Here we also talk about the peer group (that is, a group of people that we consider our equals and from whom we learn cultural, social, emotional and behavioral factors), where Lily in the end ended up choosing to choose Gryffindor and be immersed in ideas prefabs that already existed about Slytherin even though, surely, many ideas were not true. Some of these ideas were hatred towards the "dirty bloods", defending the purity of blood, ambition as a negative element and cunning as if it were something bad that always leads to cheating.Where I see these preconceptions most clearly is in the scene where Lily argues with Snape for defending Mulciber, etc ... in this scene it seems that Lily puts the marauders before (she is supposed to talk about them) because they are from her house and believes that what Mulciber does is worse because he is in Slytherin. Being in Gryffindor, she is believed to have the moral superiority and the right to claim Snape to choose a position, when obviously Snape, like Lily, will choose their peer group. The point here is that Lily prefers to believe the marauders and put Snape in the guilty position, without even asking if his friend is okay or asking him what he saw ... Lily is not interested in knowing what happened because surely he was content with James's version and would always doubt any version Snape could give it.

Up to here, I did my study. It is a bit lazy, I wrote it on the fly and remembering some of the knowledge I acquired when I was studying Pedagogy. But, in essence, I hope you have understood. In the end, Lily opted for what she considered to be okay based on ideas and beliefs that she ended up having with her peer group. She put her friendship with the marauders first and decided to coldly and selfishly eliminate her friendship with Snape. In the end, we have all had friends from whom we have moved away because they no longer shared things with us (although I can presume that I never alienated anyone for thinking differently or liking things that I did not like), but also friends that we have from all our lives, with those of us who do not like things about them, but accept them and try to understand them, where the company of that person is valued more and we do not care what they tell us. It is true that the "peer group" exerts a lot of influence on us, despising those who consider strange people or have unusual habits for the majority of the population. But Snape and Lily met in childhood, this factor should not have been decisive for their estrangement and, I am afraid, that in the almost of Lily, he ended up accepting the conditions of his peer group to the detriment of maintaining a friendship that so much contributed. I don't hate Lily, I have no problem with her, for me she really is a flat character, too overrated and that only has a few three lines in the entire Harry Potter saga. It is impossible to empathize with her as we would with other characters and she hardly has any development of her. The most remarkable thing about her is that she gave her life for her son, otherwise she showed us a girl who had a strange friendship with Snape and who married the popular boy of her time.

[robininthelabyrinth]

I love your Nie brothers content, all of it, but there is so little written about the friendship between Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian! We know they were friends in Cloud Recesses, but it's never explored how these genius guys, even if one is focused on magical inovations and the other on strategy and politics, got on. Something which shows how well they got each other would be great

1

Wei Wuxian’s fist trembled. How dare he – worthless peacock – my shijie..!

But before he could throw a punch, he saw a swirl of white – Lan Wangji, sweeping forward with a face like a graveyard, and Nie Huaisang cringing in his shadow – and suddenly he realized that he didn’t need to punch Jin Zixuan.

Speaking of others behind their backs is forbidden.

Sneering without reason is forbidden.

Arrogance is forbidden.

Do not be haughty and complacent.

Do not praise yourself and slander others.

Do not make assumptions about others.

Do not insult people.

Do not take your words lightly.

Wei Wuxian grinned with teeth. “Hey, Lan Zhan!” he sang out, and Jin Zixuan blanched. “Perfect timing!”

Later, after he’d laughed himself sick at Jin Zixuan’s punishment – humiliatingly perfect – and making his appreciation very clear to Lan Wangji, he went to go find Nie Huaisang.

“When did you go get Lan Zhan?” he asked, honestly curious. He hadn’t known he was going to get into a fight until he was there and it was happening, but Nie Huaisang, of all people, had apparently figured out what was going to happen before it happened and took steps to fix it.

“The second they started talking about girls,” Nie Huaisang said promptly. “It’s fairly obvious that Jin Zixuan is resentful of his parents managing his life and he’s lashing out at everything, including specifically your shijie, so a nasty comment was inevitable.”

Wei Wuxian blinked, derailed from his original line of questioning. “He – what? Wait, that’s why he’s so rude about my shijie?”

“Of course,” Nie Huaisang said, blinking back at him. “What did you think? That he just didn’t like her? He’s barely even met her.”

Wei Wuxian hadn’t thought about that way, but it made a certain amount of sense. “When did you get so good at reading people?” he asked, bemused. “I didn’t…uh…”

“Think I have any skills?”

Wei Wuxian coughed.

“I don’t!” Nie Huaisang beamed, clearly very proud of it. “But I do have a lot of expensive hobbies, and that means I need pocket money.”

Wei Wuxian wasn’t sure he understood the connection, and said as much.

Nie Huaisang laughed at him. “The Nie sect believes in self-sufficiency,” he explained. “My brother gives me a certain amount of money to spend, sure, but we’re not the Jin sect; I can’t just buy everything that I lay my eyes on and send the bill back home – my brother would break my legs! I’m expected to find a way to increase the money I get until it’s enough to cover both my needs and wants, necessities and luxuries both, and if I can’t, then I have to do without luxuries.”

Nie Huaisang has never, not once, in the entire few months Wei Wuxian spent in his company, done without luxuries.

“So,” Wei Wuxian said, feeling oddly unnerved and unsure why, “you learned how to read people because you want to act like…a merchant?”

Nie Huaisang lightly tapped his head with his fan, rolling his eyes at him. “Stop being such a landed gentry young master, Wei-xiong. There’s nothing wrong with trade! How much of your sect’s money comes from merchants interested in keeping their trade routes free of resentful energy?”

Wei Wuxian wrinkled his nose a little. “That’s cheapening it a bit, don’t you think? As cultivators, it’s our duty to stand up as heroes, to defend the innocent and defeat evil, to purify –”

“Right, right. Remind me again how the Jiang sect pays for all that pretty purple?”

“Well…I mean…”

Technically, yes, there were all the dye sellers and the fabric merchants, but…

Nie Huaisang was laughing at him.

“Don’t worry about it, Wei-xiong,” he said, wiping his eyes. “You stick to doing your own thing. If you ever need to sell anything, come to me.”

“Of course,” Wei Wuxian said, privately thinking to himself that he’d rather farm for crops than become a seller hawking his goods in the marketplace. “Hey, wait, what is it that you sell, anyway?”

Nie Huaisang sniggered and refused to tell him.

2

It was porn.

Also barbeque and liquor, although in that case Nie Huaisang mostly played the middleman between the vendors of Caiyi Town and the students stuck eating Lan vegetables.

Sometimes he could even be convinced to tug on his contacts for other things, too.

“You’re a true friend,” Wei Wuxian said, clutching the bottle of chili sauce to his chest. “A true and wonderful friend.”

“You still have to pay,” Nie Huaisang said, his eyes curving up behind his fan. “No discounts.”

“A ruthless, vicious, cut-throat friend…”

“I lend you the porn for free, don’t I?

“Wonderful! Wonderful friend!”

3

No matter what Jiang Cheng said, Wei Wuxian was trying to keep his head down during their time at the indoctrination camp. He was taking this whole thing very seriously: he wasn’t making a fuss (too much), he wasn’t being insulting (too much), he wasn’t even socializing (too much).

Lan Wangji didn’t count, anyway; after what had happened to him, he needed someone bothering him.

But Wei Wuxian was being good and keeping back from the rest!

Well, he was, except then he saw Nie Huaisang and just had to go over to say hello. It was only polite, and had nothing to do with the fact that during the months he spent at the Cloud Recesses, he’d learned that Nie Huaisang could sell anyone on anything.

“I don’t suppose you have contacts that will sell you barbeque here,” Wei Wuxian said as a greeting, because the food they’d received was frankly disgusting in a way that made him wistful for the Lan sect like it had been a gourmet restaurant.

“Well,” Nie Huaisang hedged, and Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows shot up. “Don’t get too excited, it’s not barbeque…”

It was meat, though, chunks of that had probably been roasted as skewers at one point, and Wei Wuxian didn’t even care that it was cold as he scarfed it down, immediately feeling ten times better than he’d been before.

“Where?” he asked. “How?”

“There’ll be a surprise inspection tomorrow morning,” Nie Huaisang said instead. “Keep your head down, they’re looking to make an example out of somebody.”

“How do you know that?”

Nie Huaisang shrugged. “I brought art.”

“To the indoctrination camp?”

“Wen soldiers get lonely and bored too, Wei-xiong.”

“You’re trading for information using porn?”

“Don’t be silly. I’m trading porn for meat, and getting the information while we’re chatting. A large number of the Wen sect cultivators used to be their own sects, you know, before they were absorbed, and not all of them are happy about what’s going on here. You just have to figure out who the loyalists are, avoid them, and focus on the rest, and it’s easy.”

“I still can’t believe you brought porn to the Wen sect,” Wei Wuxian said, shaking his head. “What’ll you do if your brother finds out?”

“You’re joking, right? He helped me pack it.”

Wei Wuxian will never understand the Nie sect.

4

Wei Wuxian stared wordlessly at his bowl.

There was a single slice of radish in it.

“Is this a joke?” he asked Wen Qing, because it might be, and she glared at him, meaning that no, it was not. “Don’t we have anything else?”

“With what money, Wen-gongzi? Do you think it comes from thin air?”

“I had a friend once who could make it come out of thin air,” he grumbled, looking down at his bowl. He’d practiced inedia, he didn’t need it, except for the fact that he really, really did. Not having a golden core made things hard. “He could’ve sold fish to fishermen, except he mostly just sold porn.”

Wen Qing rolled her eyes at him. “Wonderful story, Wei-gongzi. Positively heartwarming. But unless your old erotic art dealer is going to come to Yiling to help us sell some radishes, I don’t care.”

Naturally, that was impossible. Wei Wuxian was a villain now, his name blackened, the whole cultivation world against him –

Actually, as far as he could tell, the Nie sect didn’t seem to give a damn about him one way or another. From all the stories Nie Huaisang had told about his brother and from everything he’d seen in the war, Nie Mingjue wasn’t the sort of person to let evil sit around on a mountain while he was busy with other things – if he objected, he’d be there the next day with his saber, ready to put him in his place.

He hadn’t, obviously.

His hatred of the Wen sect was pretty well-known, but he’d taken no action at all to invade Yiling and demand that Wei Wuxian hand them over, and Wei Wuxian was mostly sure that it wasn’t because he was scared of what Wei Wuxian could do with the Stygian Tiger Seal.

…it was probably just the hunger getting to him and making him think crazy things. Not caring enough to go against him was pretty far from supporting him, after all.

But, hey, he wouldn’t be risking anything if he just wrote a tiny little letter asking Nie Huaisang for some advice on selling things, right?

I never thought I’d see the day my Wei-xiong finally became a merchant, the return letter said. I’ll be there in three days. I expect to see liquor.

Wei Wuxian took Wen Ning down the mountain and stood on his shoulders in order to emancipate a jar from the local tavern, but by the time Nie Huaisang arrived, there was, in fact, liquor.

Even Wen Qing – who had opposed the entire outing once she had heard about it upon their return – suddenly thought it was a perfectly reasonable sort of theft when Nie Huaisang offered to trade a giant crate full of meat for it.

“We had some leftovers from a boar hunt,” Nie Huaisang said mournfully, accepting the liquor and a bowl of radishes. “I need variety, Wei-gongzi, it’s terrible. You have to help me get rid of it; I can’t stand to look at it any longer.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Wei Wuxian reminded him in between glorious bites of pork. He was going to be a very good friend and do his best to ensure that Nie Huaisang’s request was fulfilled, even if it meant taking seconds and possibly thirds. “I asked for advice, not a visit.”

“You can’t expect me to put my good name on what could be inferior goods,” Nie Huaisang sniffed.

“Your good name? The one known for porn, you mean?”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes at him. “So show me what you have to sell.”

“It’s mostly just the radishes,” Wei Wuxian said. “I tried to tell Wen Qing that we should plant potatoes, but –”

“Forget the radishes,” Nie Huaisang said. “What’s this I hear about you designing a compass that pinpoints resentful energy?”

“Oh, that?” Wei Wuxian said, blinking. “Yeah, I made one of those – the Burial Mounds is the biggest source of resentful energy around, and it’s easier to have a compass that points home instead of north, you know? But what does that have to do with selling radishes?”

“Wei-xiong, you’re hopeless. Leave it all to me, and you’ll have your sect up and running in no time.”

“Yeah, that would be – wait, sect? What sect?”

“Actually,” Nie Huaisang said, tapping his fan against his cheek. He was just plain old ignoring Wei Wuxian now, which, hey! “I take it back – before you leave everything to me, show me what other ideas you’ve been cooking up. What about those talismans you used during the war? The spirit-drawing ones?”

“Spirit summoning,” Wei Wuxian corrected.

“Yes, those. Have you improved on those at all?”

“Uh, I mean, I guess…”

“Good. Show me everything.”

5

“So I have a sect now,” Wei Wuxian told Lan Wangji, who had come to visit. “We sell things to support it. Apparently.”

Lan Wangji nodded, apparently already aware of this. “The clan elders have agreed that using your flags to draw fierce corpses and other creatures away from areas with innocent human lives is an acceptable use.”

“Even the Lan sect?” Wei Wuxian marveled. “No wonder we’re making so much money.”

Then he sighed.

Lan Wangji looked questioningly at him.

“Well, I have a sect now,” Wei Wuxian said. “Everyone’s expecting me to – you know. Form the core of the sect.”

“Marry,” Lan Wangji concluded. Possibly advised? No, that didn’t sound like he was urging him to go ahead, which made a total of one person. “You do not have to if you do not wish. You already have an heir.”

“A-Yuan’s too young to be a proper heir,” Wei Wuxian objected, though he was secretly gleeful that people were generally accepting him as one. “And obviously I can’t just pick anyone; how will I know if they’re a spy? Or if they’ll secretly dislike A-Yuan?” He sighed again. “The worst part is, I think Nie Huaisang is plotting against me, too.”

“Plotting?”

“Yeah! He’s encouraging people to ask me about marriage, when clearly it’s better for me to stay off the market…what about you, Lan Zhan? Are you planning on marrying?”

“No,” Lan Wangji said.

“We’ll be a bunch of old bachelors, then,” Wei Wuxian said. “You should come more often, A-Yuan loves you…hey! I have a great idea! Why don’t we get married? Then no one will bother us ever again!”

“Mm,” Lan Wangji said.

“Mm? What does that mean?”

“It means I will need to send Nie Huaisang his payment in the morning,” Lan Wangji said, and moved to sit next to Wei Wuxian.

“Payment? You bought something from him? What did you want to –”

Lan Wangji silenced him pretty effectively, no spell necessary, and by the time Wei Wuxian retained enough ability to think through what exactly the purchase must have been, he’d already been converted to thinking that it was a very intelligent purchase to make.

Nie Huaisang really could sell anything.

[thora-jane]

Twin-Way Mirror (Pt iv)

Series Summary: You've been friends with the Weasley twins since your first train to Hogwarts, but as the three of you start your 6th year, you start to question if your feelings go beyond friendship.

Summary for Pt 4: You begin to feel something is truly off about the twins as you all start to get ready for the world cup

Warnings: gets the slightest bit spicy, someone briefly isn't wearing a shirt but nothing happens lol

Word count: 2,637

female!reader, 2nd person POV

(a/n): We're back to Twin-Way Mirror BUT! I'm still taking requests! I think it'd be awesome to make some stories any of you want to see! Don't be nervous to reach out and send me an ask! Please!!!! I sit in the college cafeteria every morning for hours needing something to do!!!!! Love you all and hope you have a ~magical~ day <3

***

“(Y/n)! (y/n), get up!” Hermione whispered, shaking your shoulders lightly, “We need to get ready to go, could you wake up the twins? I need to get the other boys.”

You nodded, eyes not fully open as you sat up in bed and stretched. By the time you had rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and looked around, Hermione was already gone. Crawling out of bed, you looked over at the twins. Both of them were still fast asleep, and you tried to recall exactly how heavy of sleepers they were.

“C’mon, fellas, we gotta get moving,” You mumbled, nudging the one nearest to you. When there was no response, you sighed. Sitting down on their bed next to them, you leaned over and tucked his hair behind his ear. Freckles. Taking a deep breath, you placed your lips next to his ear. Without whispering, you woke him up, “Oi, Georgie Porgie. Get up, we need to go soon.”

You felt his leg kick out with a start as he bolted upright, his eyes snapping open and looking around before he saw you. You tried to hold back a smile but failed, and with an exasperated groan he grabbed your shoulders and yanked you over to him. You let out a little yelp as he wrapped his arms around you and yawned.

“How dare you,” he paused, squeezing you as he stretched out his legs, “waking me up in such a violent manner! Do you not care about my beauty sleep? It takes a lot of work to be the better looking one!” this got you to laugh, but not long after that a pillow came flying towards your face. George ducked, turning the two of you to shield you from the impact, “Careful love, I think we’ve awakened the savage beast,” He winked down at you before getting hit with another pillow.

“Savage beast? Speak for yourself Georgie. (y/n), where’s my good morning kiss? I dare say I feel a bit cheated,” Fred pouted. You wriggled out from George’s arms and threw a pillow back at Fred before walking to your trunk and taking out some clothes.

“Bold of you to assume George would even get a ‘good morning kiss.’ And if the two of you don’t get up you’re not going to get a good morning, period. Now c’mon, Hermione said we’d be leaving soon,” You picked up the pillow from your cot and threw it so it hit one of them, then ran out of the room before either had the chance to reciprocate your actions.

You changed as quickly as you could and combed your hair. You knew you didn’t have a whole lot of time to spend in the bathroom with a house full of people, but as you splashed your face and let the cold water drip off your nose, you started mulling over everything that had happened since you got here: Being carried into the house, Fred and George’s jokes about the handsomer twin, the moments where you’d make one of them go quiet, not to mention Fred kissing your forehead last night. It was all rather odd, really. You wondered if Hermione or Angelina would have anything to say about it. After drying off your face and deciding that talking to the girls about it wouldn’t hurt, you left the bathroom and headed back to put your pajamas back in your trunk. Apparently you were too used to having a room to yourself, as you opened the door without knocking.

That was a mistake.

“Bloody hell, (y/n)!” you heard one of them exclaim before you slammed the door and clamped your eyes shut. You weren’t sure which twin was still in their room, but whichever it was, they hadn’t exactly finished changing their shirt. A second later the door swung open again and you did everything in your power to not look up at them again.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry,” You winced, trying to duck below their arm and get through the doorway without touching them. He only laughed, and turned to watch you tip-toe through the bedroom out of embarrassment. Walking back towards the door and staring at your feet (either out of embarrassment or fear that he’d see your face turning as red as his hair) you had nearly made it out before he stuck out his arm to block you.

“I’m so sorry, I really am,” you stammered out again, still trying to avoid his gaze, “I forgot to knock and I thought you two had gone downstairs and-”

He only chuckled to himself, “It’s alright, (y/n), nothing that hasn’t happened before, and certainly not something that won’t ever happen again, right?”

At this you looked up, utterly confused, “I’m sorry, what?” you caught a glimpse of his jumper, green with a large letter ‘G’ knitted into the front.

“Oh, uh…” he paused, scratching the back of his head, “I only mean that...I’ve been walked in on before and...It’s bound to happen again and...well better me putting my shirt on than something else, right?” he offered a laugh, but after hearing his words leave his mouth it came out more like a wince.

After some hesitation you gave a weak smile, then nodded, “Right, yeah,” he coughed, and you looked down at your feet before pointing out to the hallway, “Let’s get going, then.”

***

The seven of you left the burrow just as the sun had started to rise, George and Fred had been walking with the other boys, passionately talking about who would win the quidditch match and debating what bets to place on which team. Meanwhile, you lagged behind with Hermione and Ginny. When you were sure the twins couldn’t hear you, you leaned over to Hermione and whispered.

“Have you noticed anything different about them lately?” you nodded to the gang of boys ahead of you.

“Well...Harry did mention having a bad dream last night. And he woke up with his scar hurting. We’re not sure what it is but-”

“No I uh...I meant the twins,” You interrupted, shoving your hands in your pockets as you watched them walking ahead of you. Merlin, they had gotten taller, they were practically twice as tall as Ginny and had to walk with their heads ducked so they wouldn’t be hit by any passing branches. One of them (George, you could see the top of the ‘G’ on his jumper from underneath his jacket) was walking backwards. He caught on that you were watching him, and his face lit up before he stuck out his tongue. You waved back, but quickly turned back to Hermione, “Something just seems a little different.”

“Well they’re much taller than the end of last term, and I suppose their hair has gotten a bit longer since the last time you three would have seen each other,” she thought aloud.

“I’m well aware of that,” you said, tucking your hair behind your ear in hopes that your hand shielded any blush on your face.

“And they are quite excited about the match today, if that means anything,” she added, tilting her head, “But other than that I haven’t really been paying much attention. Why do you ask?” she turned to you, curiosity in her voice.

“They talked about you practically all summer,” Ginny butted in, “Every other thing they said was (y/n) this and (y/n) that,” She stood up as tall as she could and tried to copy their voice to the best of her ability, “Blimey, Freddie, I sure wish (y/n) was here. You know she would appreciate our refined taste. Oi Ron, (y/n) wrote to you, the least you could do is say hi back to her! Look everyone, (y/n) sent me a letter! (Y/n) sent me a letter! Did Eros stop by, mum?” she sighed, shaking her head, “You’d think you were the only person in the world! No offense, of course. They spoke about you like you were some great celebrity.”

“Did they really?” You asked, rather puzzled as you looked back up towards the twins. George turned around again and gave you an exaggerated wave, with Fred following suit.

Ginny picked up her pace to catch up with the others, but before Hermione could do the same, you grabbed her hand, “I walked in on George this morning.” You almost blurted out.

“What?” she asked, rather shocked. You shushed her before she had the chance to say anything louder and draw attention.

“It’s not like I did it on purpose” you said in your defense, “I just opened the door and he wasn’t wearing-”

“I don’t want to know!” she interrupted in a harsh whisper, but after a moment she asked quickly, “What happened after that?”

“I slammed the door shut and probably turned as red as a tomato. Then when I went back in he sort of awkwardly made a joke about it, but he didn’t seem too bothered? He just wasn’t wearing a shirt, so it could have been way more...you know…awkward.”

Hermione rolled her eyes, “Well that’s for sure. (y/n), I haven’t the slightest idea what to tell you. You know George better than I do and by the looks of it, he doesn’t seem to be the least bit bothered,” She started to pick up the pace of her walk to catch up with the rest of the group, and you did the same.

“Hurry up kids, we’re nearly there!” Mr. Weasely called out over his shoulder as he ducked under another branch, “Ah, Amos!”

A man who you assumed was Amos Diggory smiled and loudly greeted Mr. Weasley, the two of them talked and exchanged a brief conversation about the weather before you heard Mr. Weasley ask, “Where is your son? Cedric, right?”

Cedric. That’s where you had heard the name Diggory before. Griffyndors and Hufflepuffs shared a potions class last year, and the two of you had been assigned as partners. He was a rather nice boy, and although the two of you didn’t exactly become best friends, you always waved to each other when he passed you in the hallways.

After making his grand entrance of jumping down from a tree, he greeted everyone with a simple nod. It was then that you caught his eye and he jogged over to walk beside you.

“(y/n), I didn’t expect to see you here. What a pleasant surprise if you don’t mind my saying so,” he smiled, and you could have sworn you saw Hermione and Ginny give each other a look out of the corner of your eye.

You nodded, “Yeah, the Weasleys were nice enough to invite Harry and I. How has your summer been, Cedric?” You looked over at him, trying to ignore the twins entering a small shoving match a few feet away.

“Oh it was quite nice, and you?” Cedric was always so polite, and that had proved helpful in potions with Professor Snape. The class was by default unbearable; the cold and dark and dank dungeon, Professor Snape’s face always glaring down at you over your shoulder, his comments on your insufferable eagerness to learn magic, on most days having Cedric as your partner was what made the actual class time worthwhile.

“Ah yes, the dynamic potions-brewing duo reunited once again.” Fred interrupted, slinging his arms over you and Cedric’s shoulders, startling both of you.

“It’s nice to see you too, George,” Cedric smiled, looking rather ruffled by the surprise.

“That’s not George,” you corrected, swinging one arm over Fred’s shoulder and the other over George beside you, nodding your head in his direction, “this one’s George.”

Cedric looked over at you in casual awe, “how do you do it, (y/n)? How do you tell them apart?”

You pulled the three boys closer, throwing your head back with a laugh, “Well it takes some practice. But it’s actually quite simple, you see-”

“Hurry up now! All of you! Gather round, it’s almost time!” Mr. Weasley called out, getting the four of you to jog up to join the group gathered around an old boot. George turned his head to Cedric, but didn’t take his eyes off you, “Come now, Ced, a magician never reveals his tricks.”

You looked back at him, pressing your back to his chest to reach out and place your fingertips on the boot, “Georgie, we’re all magic.”

Before he could respond, you felt your whole body’s weight lurch forward and your feet leave the ground, gravity hooking around your abdomen as the group of you took off spinning. At one point, you felt you were going to go flying off away from everyone. George must have felt this two, and you felt his arm wrap around your waist and pull you closer. You thought you heard Mr Weasley shout for all of you to let go, and before you could process what it was he was saying, George let go of the boot. You felt him fly away and, with his arm still around you, you were yanked off with him.

The two of you landed with an oof, your back still pressed against George’s back. You could hear him groan from beneath you as you rolled off him and scrambled to your feet, turning back around and offering out a hand to help him up. He smiled weakly, squinting up in the bright light as he reached out and grabbed your hand.

You weren’t sure what to blame, his arms strong from playing beater for Quidditch the past four years, or how you were still dizzy from your ride through the portkey. But what you did know was one moment you were standing, offering to help him up, and the next he had pulled you back on top of him.

The two of you froze, not breaking eye contact. You could see the horror grow on his face and blush creeping up on his ears. And, by the feel of it, your face was about the same. Neither of you moved or said a word until you thought you overheard Fred groan and Cedric laugh from over to the side.

“Sorry!” He cried out, a bit embarrassed as he shoved you off him and got up to his feet, now offering his hand to pull you up, “Let’s try this again, shall we?”

You reached up, clearing your throat as you tried to not look flustered. You weren't quite prepared for how quickly he tugged your arm though. Once again the two of you found yourselves rather close, your chests pressed together from how quickly he pulled you up.

“Oi, you two!” Fred called from behind you, grabbing your hand and pulling you along with him, “We’re gonna lose the others if you two don’t stop rolling around in the grass.”

You slung your bag over your shoulder and jogged to keep up with Fred’s big steps. You could see the big goofy grin on his face and couldn’t help but laugh. You’d seen the twins excited over pranks, but this was a different kind of excited; innocent, wide-eyed, wholesome (or as wholesome as the twins could get). Watching his face strain from all his smiling, you couldn’t help but laugh. He looked down at you with a sort of glint in his eye you couldn’t remember seeing before and he let out a chuckle as he loosened his grip ongeo your hand and spun you around.

“I don’t suppose you’ve been to a quidditch match outside of school. Have you, (y/n)?” He asked, keeping his hand in yours and swinging your arms back and forth.

“No, I don’t suppose I have,” you answered, “but I can’t wait.”

[renjuseyo]

I guess i will try requesting then~

Chan

No one ever give male reader chocolate before on valentine day so he's surprised when reader find a chocolate with a note on his desk. It turns out to be chan, who is also jihoon younger brother and reader underclassmen. Reader ask for a time because he never date before and don't know how to do about it. So maybe story about their relationship after the confession? I will leave how it's gonna be turn out to you because i think you're better at this ☺️ 💞

sweetest thing ; dino

group: seventeen

pairing: lee chan / reader (male)

synopsis: you’ve never quite stood out at school, being more of a wallflower. so on valentines’s day, you’re a little more than surprised to see a box of chocolates and a note addressed to you.

genre: fluff, crack if you squint

ahhh my first request!! this prompt is very cute, but i’m not sure if i did a good job with it and i kind of wrote the last part in a rush if you couldn’t tell ^^” i hope this satisfies you, and as always, feedback is much appreciated~

- reader is a part of the ‘96 line. order goes as junhui > hoshi > wonwoo > reader > woozi

title inspiration: sweetest thing by seventeen

“...and of course, like the confident leo that i am-”

“-confident? you dropped, ducked and rolled in the convenient store the other day because i mentioned their names. look at me, i’m choi seungcheol who’s head-over-heels in love with yoon jeonghan and joshua hong, but i’m a coward who watches from afar!” wonwoo mocks.

seungcheol sends him his most threatening glare, but wonwoo nonchalantly blinks back. “that’s a thing of the past! i’m a changed man now, wonwoo.”

you walk up the stairs to the third floor laughing. “hyung. i barely know the two of them, but they made more progress establishing a friendship- well, relationship now- than you ever had. you are literally a coward.” seungcheol makes an offended noise as wonwoo cackles behind you, and you spin around to fist bump him. having known the two of them since childhood, you and wonwoo have made it your sole duty to shoot seungcheol down when the opportunity presents itself. the perks of being friends for so long, you suppose.

seungcheol jogs up beside you two, glaring at your smug smirks. “you two are just jealous you’re single! at least i gained the courage to confess to them!” he exclaims, exasperated.

you and wonwoo exchange incredulous looks, and he knows he’s only digging a deeper grave for himself. “firstly, we were the ones that pushed you to even meet up with them,” wonwoo begins.

“and secondly, they were the ones that confessed, because you kept on getting tongue-tied!” you finish. you turn to fist bump each other once again.

the older of you three visibly deflates, throwing his hands up in defeat. “i actually hate you two. can i not have my moment of glory?” he whines.

you roll your eyes as you approach your classroom, sliding the door open. seungcheol’s lingering at the wall, since his class is a few doors down from your’s and wonwoo’s. “you’re getting a little too cocky there, my boy. maybe in five years you can try boasting again.”

“i’m older than you?!”

you stick your tongue out at him, who storms away from you and wonwoo in a huff. your jabs at him have always been made in lighthearted fun, and you know he’d tell you and wonwoo to stop if he truly felt uncomfortable. but making fun of his love life is always amusing, especially since it provides you something new to look forward to amidst the mundane hours of school. it’s not like you and wonwoo have anything going on in your usual life, much less your love life.

but apparently the fates has something in store for you today, because the moment you step into the classroom, you notice two of your classmates lingering by your desk. you recognize them as jeongyeon, your friend and the class president, and soonyoung, a mutual friend of you and wonwoo. “what are you two doing?” you ask, approaching the duo.

“oh, hey (name). we were just passing out papers for ms. park when we noticed this on your desk!” soonyoung explains, pointing towards your desk. your eyes trail towards the small box neatly wrapped with a note tucked in between the ribbon. it’s not surprising to see gifts popping up on people’s desks, especially since today is valentines’ day. but you’re a wallflower, and you’ve never actually received a gift aside from the candy that kids in elementary school passed out to the whole class. if it weren’t for your name written in thick letters, you would’ve mistaken it for someone else’s.

jeongyeon gives you an apologetic look. “sorry (name), i tried dragging soonyoung away, but you know how curious he can be.”

apparently wonwoo knows you’ve never received a gift before either, nudging you with that unmistakable grin on his face. it’s the one he has whenever he makes fun of seungcheol, but this time, it’s directed towards you. “it seems our little (name) here has gotten a valentines’s gift~!” he teases.

you seat yourself at your desk, curiously staring at the present. you have five minutes before class starts, so what harm is there in opening it up? your fingers make quick work of the ribbon, unfurling its shiny restraints off the box. you’re about to unfold the note before you notice three pairs of curious eyes staring at you. “do you mind?” you ask. soonyoung and jeongyeon quickly apologize and straighten up, but wonwoo merely smirks. you make a mental note to apologize to seungcheol for your relentless teasing. reluctantly, you unfold the note and read its contents.

happy valentine’s’ day hyung! i hope this letter reaches you safely :)

~ your secret admirer

ps. i know you don’t like nuts, so i advise you don’t eat the ones on the bottom row! they all have nuts in them. on the other hand, if you don’t like chocolate or are allergic, feel free to give these to someone else! i wouldn’t want to poison you!

you can’t help the chuckle that escapes your lips, because even if you don’t know who said admirer is, you think that he’s incredibly endearing, if his note is anything to go by. you refold the note and place it on top of your desk. when you remove the lid of the box, you’re surprised to see an assortment of chocolates all with different designs.

jeongyeon gasps in awe. “those are the pricey chocolates from carat, that patisserie! they sell pastries, but i hear their chocolates are wicked good.”

like the best friend that he is, wonwoo leans towards you, wiggling his eyebrows. “expensive chocolates, eh? this admirer of yours must mean serious business if they spent money on you~” he teases.

“he,” you correct, plucking a piece out. “he used hyung.”

wonwoo sighs, wiping away a fake tear. “our son is all grown up now. i feel like a proud dad,” he whistles.

you don’t have time to smack him because the bell rings, signalling the beginning of first period.

when wonwoo approaches you during lunch, you know he has something to share, if the mischievous glint in his eyes is anything to go by. “(name), have you eaten your chocolates yet?” he asks.

you’re already wincing, feeling seungcheol’s piercing eyes at your back. “chocolates? what chocolates?”

wonwoo gives you a knowing smirk, the corners of his lips lifting up like the cheshire cat’s. “he didn’t tell you? our dear boy here-” he pauses to smack your back, though it comes out a little too hard than anticipated. he seems to notice this too, hiding behind seungcheol’s back as you send him a withering glare. “-received a box of chocolates and a confession during first period today,” he explains.

seungcheol gasps with wide eyes. “what! and you didn’t think to tell me?”

you shrug, looking away. “i didn’t think it was-”

“-do not tell me it isn’t that important, because it is! now i get to tease you about your love life,” he cuts off, cackling. you lean forward to steal a kimbap from his lunchbox, eliciting a scream from him. nearby students shoot you three weirded out looks, though you could care less, shoving the kimbap into your mouth.

you roll your eyes at seungcheol’s sullen expression. “to answer your question, wonwoo, no, i have not finished the chocolates. soonyoung helped me eat a few though.”

wonwoo gives you an offended look. “why would you give that leech anything? he’ll just come back for more. plus, they’re a gift from someone else! why would you just give them away?” he asks.

you shrug, pulling a piece out from the box. “eating that many chocolates isn’t good for me. and i don’t really like the nutty ones, so i gave them to soonyoung. it’s not like i’m dumping them away altogether.”

wonwoo shakes his head. “you have no soul. it’s no wonder you’ve been single for so long.”

“i’m sorry for not swooning over a confession, mr. i-know-everything-about-romance,” you retort. you pluck out a diamond-shaped chocolate decorated with hazelnuts and pass it to seungcheol, who devours it the moment he sees it. “plus, that’s not the only gift i’ve gotten.” dragging your backpack towards you, you unzip it to find it overflowing with more boxes. “it seems that at the end of every period, a new box just presents itself on my desk. so far, i’ve gotten chocolates, peach-flavored gummies, a can of iced coffee, and a stuffed dinosaur. they all have cute notes attached to them, too.” the duo coo at the gifts, though you can see them specifically eyeing the consumables.

he seats himself beside you, stealing a piece of chocolate from you. “well, you know jihoon, your neighbor? he said he found another box on your desk and wanted me to give it to you.” he rummages through his backpack and slides out another box with a note attached to it. you and seungcheol curiously eye it before you grab it from wonwoo’s backpack.

“open it!” seungcheol whispers, eyes gleaming with curiosity. you roll your eyes; why are your friends more invested than you are? reluctantly you untie the ribbon and remove the note, but this time you open the box first. you’re surprised to see a slice of strawberry cake nestled inside a plastic container. judging from seungcheol’s dramatic gasp, you guess it’s from the same patisserie. you pay no mind to him though, moving onto the note.

i hope this letter reaches you safely! i got you this cake because i know you like strawberries. do you like them because they’re as sweet as you?

~ your secret admirer, lee

“wow, he’s getting bold! putting out a last name now,” wonwoo chortles.

you turn back to the slice of cake. so far, you know that your secret admirer is younger than you with a last name of lee, and he knows you well enough to know you dislike nuts and like strawberries. before you can narrow down potential admirers, you can hear someone yell out. you barely have time to register a basketball slamming down beside you, startling you so much you nearly fall over.

“oh my god, i’m so sorry!” you look up after recovering from your near-death experience to see chan. he lives right across from you, yet you only know he’s your underclassman and is jihoon’s younger brother. he looks awfully concerned, though you suppose that’s natural, considering how he nearly crushed you with a basketball.

you send him a reassuring smile. “it’s okay.” it may just be your imagination, but you swear you see a blush creeping up his cheeks. perhaps it’s just the heat from the sun, you guess. he bends forward to pick up the ball, apologizing once again, but you catch his eyes lingering on the slice of cake on your lap. you don’t have time to question it though, because he’s already jogging towards his other friends.

wait a minute. your secret admirer is someone younger than you, has the last name of lee, and knows you well enough to discern your likes and dislikes...

“i think i know who my admirer is,” you blurt, staring at chan’s retreating silhouette. seungcheol and wonwoo look surprised; you’ve always been quick at solving problems, but having done so before the end of the school day is an impressive feat, even for you.

“well? out with it!” seungcheol exclaims, eyes wide with anticipation.

you don’t have time to tell him or contemplate your next move, because then the bell rings, signalling the end of lunch.

you’ve laid out a solid plan: confront your secret admirer, turn him down because you have no dating experience whatsoever, and continue your last year smoothly. there should be no hitches in your plan, because having no experience and not wanting to hinder them should be excuse enough. plus, you doubt you’re worthy of being someone’s object of affections for a long time.

it seems your secret admirer isn’t done with his gifts, because even after lunch the gifts have been reappearing. they’re all very sweet, though you wonder why he chose you of all people, especially if the feeling may not be reciprocated. however, there aren’t any more hints that could lead you to him other then the cheesy compliments he writes you.

the school day has officially ended, and everyone is bustling around, desperate to leave. you’re sipping on a bottle of strawberry milk your admirer had gotten you while listening to a heated debate between soonyoung and wonwoo about the superiority of mint chocolate chip ice cream. “you actually have no taste buds, wonu,” soonyoung retorts.

“it tastes like toothpaste. of course you would like it,” wonwoo snaps.

“it tastes like toothpaste,” he mocks. “you haters use the same excuse every time. come back to me when you have a valid reason.”

 “it tasting like toothpaste is reason enough!”

you chuckle at wonwoo’s exasperation. personally you’re on soonyoung’s side in this new debate. wonwoo just doesn’t have taste buds. you’re about to support soonyoung’s side when, from the corner of your eyes, you see jihoon lingering by his desk, as if he’s waiting for something. “hey guys, i’ll be right back.” you excuse yourself from their conversation, eyes never leaving jihoon’s frame.

“wait! (name), mint chocolate chip, yay or nay?” soonyoung hollers.

“yay,” you answer. you can hear soonyoung cheering behind you, probably breaking out into his little victory dance. wonwoo’s muttering something about having tasteless friends, but you’re only half paying attention. you push through clusters of students before stopping in front of jihoon’s desk. “hey, can i talk to you for a moment?”

jihoon looks startled to see you, which only furthers your assumptions. “me?” you nod. “...sure.”

the two of you step out of the classroom and into an empty part of the hallway. a trio of girls passes you two, chatting about their plans for valentines’s day. one girl is talking about taking her girlfriend out to hotpot, while another is talking about binge-watching romance dramas with her boyfriend. you wonder how people can just jump into a relationship with no experience whatsoever. there isn’t a manual to it, so how do people know they’re doing it right?

you’re pulled out of your thoughts when jihoon clears his throat. “listen, correct me if i’m wrong, but i have an idea on why you brought me out here. but my answer is no. i’m sorry, i have a boyfriend, but i have a younger brother who-”

you turn to face him with wide eyes. “wait, what? what did you think i came out here for?”

jihoon gives you an incredulous look. “well, it’s valentines’s day, meaning everyone’s confessing to people they’ve liked. is that not what you’re doing? i’m flattered, but-”

“-i thought you were going to confess to me!” you exclaim. he gives you a blank stare, and suddenly you feel like you’ve been transported to some corny romance comedy. this is obviously the big comedy part. sighing, you pull out the most recent note, waving it around. “you’re younger than me by two months, your last name is lee, and we’re neighbors and classmates. you’ve probably heard me express my disdain for nuts and love for strawberries before. plus, you were the one who gave wonwoo the cake! who else could my secret admirer be?”

all of a sudden, a loud laugh rips out from jihoon’s chest, and you feel like you’re missing something very obvious and very crucial right now. “i admit that you’re handsome, but i have a boyfriend, and i’m very loyal to him.” he pauses to give you a mysterious smile. “but i do know who your secret admirer is.”

you widen your eyes in surprise. “really? who is it?”

he approaches you, pulling out a slip of paper out of his pocket. “i have been the one putting gifts on your desk, but only because i was told to do so.” he hands you the note, and you unfold it and read its contents.

the final note of the day! can you guess who i am? if you so desire, meet me at the basketball court beside the cafeteria after school today :)

~ your secret admirer, lee

“he’s waiting for you.” you look up at jihoon, who’s folding his arms. “now if you’ll excuse me, i’m off to get some boba. oh, and can you tell him he owes me twelve-thousand won? and no skimping this time!”

you’re standing by the cafeteria entrance leading to the basketball court, heart beating at a fast pace. you aren’t sure why you feel so nervous, especially with a solid plan in mind. as you lean against the door, trying to calm your heart rate, you catch chan at the court, shooting hoops. with wobbly legs, you start making your way down the stairs. at the sound of a newcomer, chan stops dribbling the basketball and turns to face you. “oh, hi hyung.” he pauses, watching you nervously look around. “are you waiting for someone, perhaps?”

you nod, eyes wandering the horizon. “you could say that, yeah. what about you?”

“yeah, i’ve been waiting for you.”

today has just been filled with surprises, you note, turning to face chan. he’s giving you an innocent smile, ball tucked between his arm. “i beg your pardon?”

he shrugs, shyly fiddling with the hem of his school uniform. “um... surprise?”

seeing how bashful chan is has you piecing the puzzle pieces together. your secret admirer is younger than you... chan’s your underclassman. his last name is lee... chan’s full name is lee chan. he knows you don’t like nuts but like strawberries... your parents are friends, and his mother always brings over fresh strawberries for you to eat. he’s jihoon’s little brother, so it’s no wonder you came so close. now that you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

...but it doesn’t. because aside from the times you drop food over at their place, you never talk to him. how can he like someone he barely knows?

chan inhales, straightening the wrinkles of his shirt. “um... hi hyung. i’m your secret admirer, and i’ve liked you since i was a first year. it would be really cool if you accepted my confession?” he frames it as a question, probably to make you feel less nervous, but it does nothing to ease your nerves. from the way you’re standing before him, frozen in place, his smile falls. “or not...?”

“i’m flattered, chan, i really am...” you glance up at him, and the sad smile he has on his face, the one bracing for rejection, breaks your heart a little. “but... there’s a few things we have to take in account. first of all, i barely know you. i don’t know about you, but i’m not quite ready to jump into a relationship, much less with someone i barely know, even if we’re neighbors. i also don’t have any experience in dating. and there’s also the age difference. i’m graduating this year. chan, you’re a cool guy, but do you really want to date someone who you barely know, who has no experience, and will be away before you know it?” you ask, listing out the different factors.

if seungcheol or wonwoo were here, they would reprimand you for coming up with excuses. but what else can you do? you’re being realistic, even if it may sound harsh. you look up at chan, who’s sad expression is replaced with one of determination. “all of your reasons do make sense. but hyung, i don’t think you should make judgments on who i am. like you said, we barely know each other, but i would love to get to know you more. you’re really nice, and you’re someone i look up to.” he approaches you with such confidence that you feel yours knees getting weak. “i don’t have any experience, either. and about the age difference... i can always wait. because i really like you, hyung. i understand if you can’t accept this confession, but i just wanted to tell you before you graduate. and truthfully, i’d appreciate it more if you just told me you didn’t like me instead of listing excuses.”

well, your whole plan is thrown out the window now. you gulp at the bitterness seeping through his voice. “the thing is, i don’t know you well enough to make any conclusions.” you pause. “this may sound selfish, but... could you give me some time to figure things out? i wouldn’t be opposed to learning more about you, but i don’t want to make it sound like i’m leading you on. that being said, just because i’m figuring things out doesn’t mean i won’t be upset if you decide to move on. you deserve someone who’s made up their mind, anyways.”

there isn’t an immediate response from chan, which makes you feel anxious. but then he approaches you with a wide grin, his whole face alight with hope. “i can give you all of the time in the world!” he chirps. you aren’t quite sure why he’s so happy... does he really like you enough to behave this way? “i promise you won’t regret being friends with me.”

you smile at his giddiness. “thank you for understanding. i’m really sorry about not being conclusive.”

he shakes his head with such fervor you’re reminded of a golden retriever with his blonde hair and all. “it’s okay. i’ve long accepted that not everyone can be a hundred percent sure about everything like i am. that being said...” he pauses to extend a hand towards you. “hi there, my name is lee chan, a second year. what about you?”

you chuckle. might as well start this friendship on a new foot, you suppose. extending your hand to shake his, you smile. “hi, my name is (first name) (last name), a third year. pleased to meet you.”

and that was two years ago, when you and chan were in your late teens, still navigating the hardships of high school and paving a path towards the future. truthfully, you had forgotten how your relationship with chan began in the first place, considering how you two are close-knit best friends now (though not as close as you are with seungcheol and wonwoo. they wouldn’t allow it, anyways). now, you’re a second year in university, still trying to navigate the trying hardships life throws at you. chan attends the same school as you, majoring in dance.

you’re sitting inside a booth in mcdonald’s with seungcheol and wonwoo, along with the new addition of jihoon. ironically enough, you two had gotten close after that event, and he had quickly assimilated himself into your little group. to seungcheol’s dismay, he’s a carbon copy of you and wonwoo, and now his tormentors have increased by one.

“so, valentines’s’ plans anyone?” you ask, taking a sip from your soda.

seungcheol dreamily sighs. “hannie, shua and i are going to a drive-in theater. aren’t they the best?” you exchange looks with wonwoo and jihoon. even now that they’ve graduated, he’s still hopeless as ever.

“yes. very cool,” jihoon deadpans. seungcheol throws a fry at him, but he catches it in his mouth with scary accuracy. “i don’t understand why people glorify valentines’s day when it’s just a corporate holiday.”

wonwoo snorts, taking a bite from his chicken sandwich. “and yet you’re the one with the most extravagant plans. aren’t you the one who’s going to treat jun to a fancy restaurant and then take him shopping?”

jihoon shrugs. “i’d much rather go to a ramen shop or do something low key, but junhui likes to do fancy things for holidays.” he turns to face you. “what about you, lover boy?”

“who are you calling lover boy?” you ask, stealing one of seungcheol’s fries. “and no, i have no plans. yay for single people.” all of a sudden, the booth falls silent. when you look up, you’re startled to see three pairs of eyes intensely staring you down. “what?”

“you have no right to say that. that’s wonwoo’s phrase.”

“hey!” wonwoo splutters, glaring at jihoon.

“don’t listen to them. but dude, you’re still single?” seungcheol asks.

“why wouldn’t i be?” you ask, narrowing your eyes at them. they all look at one another, and you recognize that look. it’s the one you and wonwoo would give each other whenever seungcheol said something embarrassing in front of his crushes. well, boyfriends now.

seungcheol sighs. “it’s been two years already, (name). you’re telling me now that you and chan are just friends?”

before you can protest, wonwoo takes out his spoon out of his mcflurry, waving it in front of you. “and don’t give me the i’m still thinking crap, because i see the way you look at him. that’s the gayest look you could give someone, and i’m surrounded by gay people.”

if you’re being honest, your impression on chan has improved since becoming friends with him, and you’d be lying if you said you only saw him in a platonic light. but chan has been waiting for you for a while now, so even if you were to jump into a relationship, it would probably take forever to make any progress considering how neither of you have experience. chan deserves better than having to wait around. “he doesn’t-”

“-deserve to wait around for me and he deserves better. we get it, dude, we really do,” jihoon interrupts. “but i’m his older brother, so i know him better than he knows himself. and let me tell you that he’ll wait for you like a puppy until you give him a definitive answer.” he stares you down, and suddenly you realize he’s entered protective brother mode. “if you like him, just tell him. so what if he deserves better? if he thinks so, he’ll tell you. worst comes to worst, you have three other guys to comfort you.” he gestures at seungcheol and wonwoo, who nod.

really, you do understand that the worst that could happen is you feel heartbroken. you know chan isn’t the type to throw you away like trash, botched confession or not. and yet a small part of you is afraid of telling him, because then you’d have to tell him about your insecurities, too.

“i’ll think about it, okay?” you tell them. the trio all give each other another knowing look; the last time you told someone you’d think something out, two years had passed.

“just two guys, sitting five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay~” chan sings from the kitchen.

you roll your eyes, sitting on the couch. “i can’t believe you came here just to raid my fridge.”

he hums, reentering the living room with a bowl of strawberries in hand. he flops down beside you, throwing an arm around your shoulder. you think back to the vine he had been reciting moments ago, because they are definitely not five feet apart, and you’re very much gay. “come on, it’s valentines’s day. you won’t even spare some room for your favorite dongsaeng? what happened to singles for life?” he asks, throwing a strawberry in his mouth.

that’s the problem, you bitterly think to yourself. i kind of don’t want to be single for life. he’s oblivious to your turmoil though, grabbing your phone and scrolling through netflix. you decide to distract yourself by eating your bitterness away, but now your favorite fruit just reminds you of the botched confession from years ago.

you two had decided to binge-watch naruto again, and before you know it, the whole evening has passed by. you’re watching team seven make their way through the forest of death when you feel something on you. chan’s head, you discovered too late, is resting on your shoulder, and now you’re feeling bothered. the problem is, he isn’t even sleeping. “what are you doing?” you ask, nervously laughing.

chan doesn’t say anything, instead moving to lock your hands together. now you’re really bothered. “a little birdie told me that you had something to tell me,” he hums.

you clear your throat. “jihoon wouldn’t appreciate you calling him little,” you laugh. chan giggles at that, but his head or hand never leaves you. he must know about your not-so-platonic feelings now, because before establishing a friendship you two had clearly stated there were to be no hugs or hand holding until you had figured out your feelings. well, here goes nothing, you suppose.

“do-”

“-i think i like you but i’m not experienced and i don’t even know if i want a relationship and you deserve better than waiting around for me,” you blurt. the room suddenly falls silent, the sounds from the television more prominent than ever.

you’re already going through the several stages of regret until chan nuzzles into you, nosing your neck. at this point you might as well die from embarrassment. you’re supposed to be the cool, suave upperclassman chan looks up to, not the flustered puddle he’s reduced you to. his breath is fanning your skin, goosebumps dotting your body. “what did i tell you when i first confessed, hyung? don’t go making assumptions for me.”

you scoot away from him, releasing his hold on your hand. “i don’t even know if you like me still, and even if you did, jumping into a relationship is already going to take time. i’m just wasting your time.”

at this, chan furrows his eyebrows. “you are definitely not wasting my time, hyung. i told you before, didn’t i? i would wait for your answer. and,” he continues, gripping your shoulders. you’re shorter than chan by only a centimeter, yet you feel impossibly small in his hands. “i still like you. the way i feel about you hasn’t wavered once.”

you gulp, face a bright red. “so... what does this mean now? are we boyriends?”

he shrugs. “i’m just as clueless as you, hyung. are labels really a necessity?”

you laugh. “i suppose not, are they?”

“we can figure this out in five more business days,” he jokes, causing you to giggle. he leans forward to wrap his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder again, surprising you.

you grumble, digging your warm face in his shoulder. “when have you gotten so charismatic, chan?” you ask, voice muffled. “you’ve really grown up now.”

chan hums in satisfaction, tightening his grip on you. “learned from jun-hyung. how else do you think he and hyung started dating?”

[pub-lius]

ACTUALLY Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton

Alright, take two.

I've already typed this entire thing out once, so this is likely going to be a lot more lazy than anything else I will ever post, so :).

Sources: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow; John Laurens and the American Revolution by Gregory D. Massy; The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton; George Washington's Indispensible Men by Authur S. Lefkowitz; Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger; Who Was Alexander Hamilton? by Pam Pollack and Meg Belviso

Hamilton wished for a war when he was like a baby. So if you know Hamilton, you know that one line where Hamilton says "As a kid of the Carribean, I wished for a war, I knew that I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rISE UP-" in Right Hand Man. Well, that line is based off of a letter Hamilton sent to his childhood bestie, Edward Stevens: "...Ned, my ambition is [so] prevalent that I... would willingly risk my life, tho' not my character, to exalt my station... I'm no philosopher, you see, and may be jus[t]ly said to build castles in the air... I shall conclude by saying I wish there was a war. Alex. Hamilton." Okay, dude, calm down, you're like two years old. I think he was actually like 14-16, but for dramatic purposes we'll say he was an actual infant (do I sound like Chernow?). But I hate how much this letter foreshadows. It's like he jinxed himself, its almost embarrassing.

Hamilton ran a business at 14. Now if you've ever been fourteen and you were like "i think i feel like running a business" literally shut up no one asked. I think this is impressive. When Hamilton was at least 14, the guys the owned Beekman and Cruger (it had a different name by this time but this one sounds cooler) just dipped and left Hamilton in charge. This was actually a pretty good decision, since Hamilton managed it well. There was also this one time where Hamilton told a whole captain of a ship who didn't perform up to standard, "Reflect continually on the unfortunate voyage you have just made and endeavor to make up for the considerable loss therefrom accruing to your owners." This man was so arrogant I wish I had his confidence. Yeah that was cool ig, but if I met teenage-Hamilton, I'd literally hate him.

Hamilton saved the president of his college. Ever the dramatic, Hamilton had a thing for suppressing mobs (though he was pretty much never successful). There was this one time at King's College where a mob formed to "talk" with the president of the university, Dr. Myles Cooper (by "talk" i mean make him into a tory bird). And, according to Who Was Alexander Hamilton? (this book gives me so much joy), "Alexander vowed to protect him [aww]... He stood up to the crowd, telling them that violence would only hurt their cause. He couldn't stop the crowd, but he delayed them long enough for Dr. Myles Cooper to escape in his nightgown," (Pollack and Belviso 27-29). This is a really sweet description of it, but Hamilton was probably calling the mob a bunch of insults and stuff, judging by how he later handled riots. Also, Cooper thought Hamilton was rallying the mob, so he was a complete jerk to Hamilton, but rightfully. Everyone, bully Hamilton. He's short and dead like an idiot.

Hamilton was really cool on the battlefield, don't @ me. Now, despite being a clumsy little gremlin and an absolute dork, Hamilton was a pretty good leader, and I guess veterans deserve to be recognized for their victories or whatever. At the battle of Princeton, one of my favorites, Hamilton had very big, cool guns, and did some cool stuff. "Returning to the final phase of the battle of Princeton, British infantry took refuge inside Nassau Hall, the building that housed the College of New Jersey. American artillery commanded by Capt. Alexander Hamilton [ya boy] was brought to bear on the college building... Washington was on the scene and noticed this young artillery officer who skillfully commanded his gun battery. The general would soon invite Hamilton to become one of his aides-de-camp," (Lefkowitz 92). Wow so cool moving on to Yorktown.

When the Americans were building their fortifications, two British fortifications were in the way. So rude. Consequently, Washington sent The Gay Trio, Lafayette, Laurens, and Hamilton, to uh, silence them. Hamilton pulled off a successful sneak attack, and won the battle swiftly, leading to the American victory in the battle of Yorktown, and therefore the war. "...Colonel Hamilton['s] well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable. Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat [stan], to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers are above expression..." -Major General Marquis de Lafayette. Lafayette is so nice I would marry him if he was alive and single and legal and not old as hell. Like omg he gave credit to everyone but himself that's so nice I'm such a simp for Lafayette. Anyway, Hamilton was cool too ig.

Hamilton caused the evacuation of Philadelphia like an iDIOT. So, after Brandywine (British victory), Washington sent Hamilton on a foraging mission in Vally Forge to get flour, horseshoes, and tomahawks (not quite as exciting as Yorktown). Well, our clumsy ginger rat got caught, and wrote to the president of Congress, John Hancock, "If Congress have not yet left Philadelphia, they ought to do it immediately without fail, for the enemy have the means of throwing a party [party rockers in the house tonight] this night into the city. I have just now crossed the valley-ford [Valley Forge], in doing which a party of the enemy came down & fired upon us."

Surprise, this turned out not to be the entire goddamn British army, it was just a few scouts sooo... let's just say Philadelphia wasn't happy. "Our Removal from Philad. Was owning to information that General Howe was crossing Schuylkill [River]... However tho' this Intelligence was from one of the General's family (Alexander Hamilton) it was not well founded & we wish we had not left Philad.," -James Duane. Yeeeaaahhh, that's awkward. Not the best way to get your name known in the capital, I must say.

Hamilton was possibly bisexual, and this is hardcore because I say so. Now, I'll add more quotes to this later, but basically heres my interpretation of the historical evidence and whatnot. Basically, Hamilton was a really closed off, cynical guy, since like everyone he ever loved died or left him pretty much, and he wasn't really the type to make and keep close friends; "...how little dependence is to be placed on treaties, which have no other sanction than the obligations of good faith, and which oppose general considerations of peace and justice to the impulse of any immediate interest or passion," (Federalist 64); It is a known fact in human nature, that its affections are commonly weak in proportion to the distance or diffusiveness of the object," (Federalist 73). Um, Mr. Hamilton? You're projecting your trauma on the government again.

Also, despite working with him for like twenty years, Hamilton really never got close to Washington, like at all. He even said to Laurens, "I have no friendship for him and have professed none," in regards to Washington, which is kind of mean. But he ALSO told Laurens:

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power by action rather than words [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that till you bade us adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You s[hould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent."

*mocking Hamilton* its YOUR fault that i love you and it was RUDE that you FORCED me to love you how DARE you you SUCK i love you uwu.

Also, at the top of that letter, someone mysterious (probably Hamilton's son) wrote, "I must not publish the whole of this," and Massey still thinks Hamilton was straight.

But yeah, that's about it. I had originally written more at the beginning, but I unfortunately lost the original draft, so I'll just settle for this. I hope you enjoyed, though, and maybe learned something or found a quote you needed or something. I did more research than I wanted to in one sitting for this, so appreciate it or I'll cry. Thanks love you <3