kakahut

[kakahut]

Death and Living.

I haven't written anything here for quite a long time. I didn't even remeber what I have written last time.

Life is confusing and had so much up and downs.

i can't believe I am 35, living a quite hipster life with no children, no man and a single apartment with limited savings. 2023 was tough, and 2024 is even worse, I sort of giving up the idea of looking for a full time position but do some projects on my own. Now, I have a company.

I was lucky that I always have friends who can be there for me. I really appreciate Vincent's support during the worst moment of my life and I never expectd to have a friendship like that after my 30s.

I am not happy happy, but I enjoy my life most of time and I know I am quite lucky. I honestly have very limited time thinking about men or dating as I really enjoy being around just with friends. Dating for me is draining, especially after what happened with Rob last September, I realized that my old habits die hard, my obession with "broken men" won't disappear in one day. I know I don't want them near my life anymore and I still don't know how to connect with the normal ones ( are there any out there anyway? lol) I am really more peaceful and happy to be with myself, my friends, my cats and my family.

A recent incident dragged me into old memories, Tommy died in a motocycle accident and I was the first to know in our circle. I was in shock and I almost forgot who he is and what happened between us unitl this message. All the memories I had about him starting to flow around in my head recently as I am trying to see if I can find any trace that I can feel sad.

Honestly, I don't feel a thing, for a moment, I feel he deserved it. It's his karma. Then I critisized myself of being mean as we did have good moments but then the horrible memory came back, the night he dragged me into the backdoor of a stairway trying to prevent me from telling the other girl about the entanglement we were having, the horror I felt he might hurt me eventually. The anger, the monster I was turning into after being peaceful for many years startled me. I knew I deserve better than that.

I cut off this circle immediately, I also cut off my friendship with Will because I know these are no longer good to me anymore .

I didn't realize it could be that easy as I was also feeling head to toe for a while. He was my muse, and some of his quality reminded me of Min ( they actually are very different people ) really sparkled my creativity and I felt sad that day I saw his true color because I felt I might not be able to create more work. Funny the reality was I made more work during my healing period at Vincent's apartment, I no longer draw feelings about men, I got inspiration from everything, from nature, from the understanding of myself.

I think the message of Tommy's death is a sign the universe is sending me. I knew one more piece should be made to put an end to a story, a story about illusion and expectation, a story of me chasing some shadows from the only relationship I cared in my life, I call it the PTSD of a young love syndrome.

That night, I had a dream about Min, after all these years, it was so vivid as if the past years never happened, we were still in that apartment on 1500 Walnut street, cooking and talking, felt so familar, just like old friends. He said to me " I wrote a review of each letters you sent to me" and I laughed and said " It's so you and I know you are the only person I know would do that." I woke up, looked around and knew I am back to my reality, no Min, no Philly, no Tommy, just my 2 cats cuddling next to me purring.

Life is an illusion overall, I just jumped from one to another, the bounary between reality and fantasy is always so blurry. Reading Buddhist texts are the best practise I did this year to go through hard times, it makes me more calm and stable. I have been so obssesed with the idea of love, the wanting of acceptance that I have neglected in this process, I should also be cared for.

To Tommy: I will foget you again but I will not forgive you even you were dead, you don't deserve it and you still don't deserve it.

Vincent always says that I should stop my obsession with my ex and move on and he is a bit tired of hearing my story always circling back to the same guy. I freaked out a bit when last week he mentioned his college roomate was a Korean guy from Michigan. It took me a week to ask what his name was, and he laughed and said, "I don't think you would have dated my roomate, Carol. He was a very quiet guy and he is married and have 2 children now."

All of a sudden, I felt a bit embarrased. When most of your friends are settled and focus on raising their children and in your head you were still thinking about a past illusion, I feel I was not improved and upgraded to a better version, as if I was stuck in the save level of a game over and over again. His words reminded me I should not be dragged back to past just because I enjoy the comfort it provides. 不要贪恋过去，这样我会感知不到现在，也就无法创造未来。

I rethink the idea of love. I belived even we were apart, my love should not die and if it fades away, then it is not true love. Now I was wondering, I am just enjoy the idea of it too much and the "love" didn't grow at all it was packed in an old box, it's a vintage. Most connection flows and nothing really last forever, things only can last if we put constant effort into it.

i have maintained this light connection for years because I really dont want the forget that version of myself, however, he is no longer who he was , neither am I , so this love has changed over time by itself.

I really wish Min can be happy, I might be jealous that he is happier than me now, but eventually, I deeply wish the best for him as he deserves good and healthy connection just like what I deserve.

So it's time to stay afar, wishing the best for him instead constantly remind him and myself of the past.

I don't know if I still "love" Min ( I want to love myself more first) , but I wish all the best because I really really really really care about you, and this won't die.

I really really really really really loved you with every breath I had and I tried to give you everyting I had to fullfill your void, and I would never do that for anyone else becasue it is not healthy. However, I can't deny it is romantic, innocent, and vivd that it is so beautiful. It is such a beautiful story.

So 2024, I will stop.

[kakahut]

The age of Innocence

3 days away from trip to Europe. I found my old camera drive.

I saw a picture I accidentally took ( which I didn't remember at all) of a blurry image of Min walkig into the apt door on December 30, 2015. I burst into tears all of a sudden. I didn't know why. I have no idea.

I have moved on long time ago, haven't I ? Why did I linger on this piece of my memory for so many years? I have written many words, and I have written many times.

I went to the mountain with Kevin and Master said, life is an illusion. I have trapped myself in that old illusion for many years and I am very much afraid to be hurt again.

I have loved someone who was too broken to love me back. I still don't know how to get out becasue this illusion was the memory of my innocence. I chased and fantasized the some broken souls after him until last year I have realized that old habit dies hard, I should not keep chasing men who treat me badly.

I deserved to be loved whole heartedly, I don't want to be broken again.

It is still a long way to go, to be a better person.

Maybe one day, someone will truly love me.

Or maybe one day, I will embrace the peace of Buddhsim spirit.

I want to feel free and safe.

I want to love again.

[kakahut]

2022 is here, and I am watching Bridget Jone’s Diary

Jan 2nd, 2022, I just got a bit awake from my 2 day booze consumption with Bridget Jone’s Diary as background sound. I just realized that I am turning into 32, same age with BJ in the movie. 

I haven’t written a lot in 2021 because I was having a quite good time. I got new friends, adopted 2 lovely cats,  had a summer fling, travled a bit in China, and felt comfortable about what I do. Occasionally I would talk about my love story in 2016 in order to feel the sense of sadness  so I could assure I am alive. 

I appreciated what life had brought to me. 

OK, recap is over. Here is the drama. I spent 10 hours talking to a guy on New Year Day alone in his apartment without doing anything physically intimate and I am fucking scard and unsettled. I had a bit of crush on him on and off for a year and we never had a chance to know each other as we were more like drinking and partying friend. I have not had such intense conversation with anyone for a very long time, even with Min, I didn’t intend to share that much of information in such an insense period of time. It defnitely meant something to me but I don’t know what it should be. I am a bit overwhelmed and scared. I like being so close with someone, and some moment, I wanted to signal him a bit more so he might take some action but I also didn’t want to ruin the connection then turn it instantly into something sexual. I felt a bit of tension when we were watching that taylor swift video as I could heart his breath, but I was a coward and from my previous experience, it might not be a good start ( yup, PTSD)

I want a friend first. But I am also scared if I didn’t signal, it would turn into the friend zone. While touching upon some similar topics I had with Min, I was scard that he could have the similar judgetment like Min who didn’t even show any sign of judgment which I also ignored like I used to and fall into the wrong guy because I had an unhealthy illusion about who he is.

As I was telling him my entire story, he also shared many perspective and ideas about who he is. It was a lot information. Something sexual, something about dating, something about relationship and sometimes I almost burst out: “well, mayb we should date ” and I swallowed the words before because I am scared of the risk of ruining the “connection”. I think I am a love coward. I am too comfortable in my comfort zone, and I want to accumlate that feeling for art creation. I am scard of rejection and awkwardness. 

I have no idea what this becomes so complicated. It was much easier in life before. 

My logic is telling me, calm down, and my emotion is telling me, I am fucking confused.

OK, time will give you an answer, just relax.

[kakahut]

Rewrite the letter

I decided to send Min a letter, to tell him I forgive him. I drafted the first draft and went to sleep. Just as I woke up in the morning and convinced myself not actually sending it, the riots in DC came to the US. It shocked me. I couldn’t believe what America had turned into after I left.

So I decided to eventually send it to him, as a way to show my support and care to someone I have always loved dearly.

I redrafted it several times, revising what message I want to bring to him. I don’t want to sound like I want to get back with him, or sound like I was so grateful for the damage he did to me. I want him to know I am genuine. I miss being very honest with people.

I didn’t want to resume further contact with him and I certainly didn’t want us to be friends, but I want a decent closure, a friendly one because it was a precious experience for me. It transferred me and made me who I am.

I am looking for love, and I want to find someone who actually love me the way I want. Someone who can give me ample love and never leave me, stay in my life to support me as much as I support him. Maybe it will take a very long to find this person, but I don’t want anything less than that. I don’t want someone who can’t love me back as much as I love him and who can’t respect me. I deserve a good person because I am a wonderful person.

[kakahut]

2021 will be better!

2021, just came. I mean, I have no feelings at all, even though I went to a count down party that night with Will surrounded by fabulous people. My phone went black 2 mins before the countdown, all I have in my head was how much I have to pay to fix it.

Then some drama came back to my life. My ex boss jumped to a competitor and leaked some business secrets to them and caused a huge stir. I was affected becasue he hired me and I was the first suspect. Business world is so...fucked up. I have no idea why he would sabotage his career and why he would hurt people who have been so closely working with him like that. We had a very good relationship, I really liked him, but being so dihonorable and stupid really disappointed me. You never know what was wrong with human being.

Just as I was explaining to Yuzhe that many things can not been known in the end, I was using my story with Min as an example, I opened my gmail box and started to reread the emails we wrote to each other after we broke up. It was my first time I read it after so many years. I was suprised to see how long both letters were, and how emotional I was. This time, I paid close attention to what his responses were. I came to truly believe what he wrote. I was stuck with that note  he was moving to Boston while I told him I am about to leave. I was angry with him not reaching out to me while he traveled there while I was there. I was not over it, and I was struggling. I was angry he was much at peace compared to me. Now after 3 years, when I look back, I am finally at peace. I can finally appreciate him, for being there with me, for reading all the sad notes and reply. He didn’t have to do it, but he did it anyway.

I loved him the wrong way because I didn’t know how to love. I was young and I was too trapped in my own insecurities. It can’t work in any way because we met in a very wrong time. There is no what if at that time. I could not know better, he was the one who made me know better now. He was not able to love me the way I wanted. We were not right for each other. I finally accepted it, finally couquered my ego.

We both tried, we didn’t let it go when we wanted to try it. Finally I understood why he said my love was a burden at that time because it was. It was overwhelming. It was not he needed at that time, and I couldn’t give what he needed either. We were two broken souls who were so attracted to each other but never truly understood each other.

I feel a sense of love flowing in me and a true liberation. He has become a part of me, he is there with me all the time. That’s enough, I told myself, not all love stories will have a happily ever after ending. Our ending, compared to many other love stories, is not that bad.

[kakahut]

4 years of Happy B day

On Nov.28th, I sent a regular Happy B day email to Min and that’s propably the only few reasons I still check my gmail box. I have a weird idea if I sent it continuously for over a decade, maybe I can prove to myself that I can actually LOVE someone UNCONDITIONALLY even though the bare communication betweeb us is Happy B day and thank you and hope you are doing fine.

I always wonder how he reacted every time he opened his gmail on his birthday with my emails lying there with all the other different commercial emails to remind him of his age. Am I the only one who is stuck in the memory of that relationship? Is he married or maybe already got couple of kids? Am I the “loser”? I am curious but I never intended to break that box to know the answer. Many things in this worlds are not supposed to know. I don’t have to know everything.

I still feel a sense of sadness when I clicked through all the birthday wishes I sent since 2017 ,witnessing the change of tones and closeness once I have had with someone. It trigerred the memory of me trying so hard to understand love, to fight for what I believe could have worked as long as I tried hard enough. I failed to bring anyone to that level of closeness and to expose myself in that degree of vulnerability, when some people even myself call it maturity, it’s also a loss of innocence and authenticity.

I am 31, same age when I first met him. Sometimes it was an interesting feeling, I compare myself to the memory of him being 31. 31 year old me is closer to 31 year old Min.

I can’t control everything. Being so tied up with daily routine, I barely have time to actually dive into my own thoughts and feelings. I am busy existing, not living. I wish 2021 could start with something new, just like what I have all wished for 2020.

Nov 28th is a ceremony for me. Thank you for the love we had to keep me going forward.

[kakahut]

Wow! It has been a while since I wrote anything here! Life happened too fast and I had no idea it has been so long.

2020, starting with the pandemic. COVID-19 basically changed my perspective of life to another level. Two weddings got canceled, Nicky moved back to Paris from Singapore. I can’t go anywhere outside China. I miss Catiah. Teddy got stuck in a long distance relationship as his gf got back to the US to do her doctoral degree.

All the exceeding drama between China and the US annoyed me and distanced me further from my life back in the US as if it was a long dream that I have never lived. It has been 3 years since I left but I still remembered vividly about my love story with Min back then. Why? No new love to occupy my love life is the main reason. My life is about work. Pure work. Work hard so I don’t have to think about why I can’t find a date, why I need to become someone not me to attract more male attention, why I knew it would become the reality before I made the decision to come back and I still did it. I want to fall in love again but I am not ready for it. So fuck it, let’s work harder.

I changed my career path and sort of took a break from the education industry and dived into the strategic consulting area. Weird, right? Yeah, I have no idea if that’s a right place to go but who knows?

I am more convinced that coming back home is a better decision. I can’t imagine living in Boston without any close friends and family around.

I bought an apartment. Well, my parents did. But I still have to pay the mortgage after the down payment. I am pretty ready to get old.

Work, work, work. Then what’s next?

[kakahut]

Call out on flake?

He canceled and I went into an emotional turmoil. I spent the whole night understanding how I feel and trying to control my emotion but it is hard. It was my first time calling out on flake and I don’t think it was a very successful approach. What I can improve just not giving ppl a chance to be flaky. I should not say yes when he canceled the first time.

It could be hard when you really like someone. I never learned this lesson. I have a lot of my own insecurity and feelings to deal with when I have feelings, and everything happen in the past can come back really easily as if it was just happened, I remembered how I turned into a crazy fucking sad bitch when Min was going out on a date with another girl and ran into his apartment and being all crazy and shit.I was in my own drama for so long sometimes when I look back, I felt surreal. 

After a day of recovering, talking to friends and getting perspectives into things, I calmed down and felt much better.

I realized: No matter what I said to him, even though I did call him out, I won’t feel better by the way I was treated. I don’t feel like a victim, what he did is not something super evil and I genuinely think he is a good person. I just can’t put myself into that fanatic phase again. 

I am longing for love but I am scared to death if I really like someone. It is very hard for me to chill out. 

I remember after the first date, Will said to me “ try to give people time to know you are an amazing person.” Maybe I should give myself time to let me know I am an amazing person.

I am back on track. I appreciate what I have, my friends, my family. My healthy body and my privilege. I might be the “red flag” for a romantic relationship which I don’t want to deny anymore, and I can be a bit assertive and weird, I am a great person.

I shall let this part shine.

I am ok.

[kakahut]

When a good first date turn into a disappointment

I am sick of love games. Because I am so bad at it. It feels like that shooting game I have been playing with Will for a while and we never actually won cuz both of us sucking at shooting. No one wants to be a loser all the time. So you either win, or you just quit.

I met a guy last Sunday and before that I had a really great 3 hour texting with him. The date went good, we talked and laughed and walked around this empty city where the corona virus is still everywhere. Then a week later, the flames came down and he started to bread crumbling me: canceling a date on Friday night to Sunday and never set up a clear detail on Saturday. I was frustrated. Then I am upset sitting here to write this post.

I forgot how it feels like to be so upset by a stranger because things haven’t been feeling that good for a while with someone. I messed up not knowing what I did kill the vibe? Am I able to fix it next time? Maybe not? Mianbao said I should pay more attention to the other person and not just enjoy expressing myself. She might be right. Look what I have gotten myself into years ago? I was stuck in my own head and never saw the reality. I was stuck in my own feeling of love someone and never known how much he was suffering from my existence or maybe even despised me.

I just came to a realization that I am not really clear what I am looking for in relationships anymore because how would I know if I never know how a good relationship should feel like. It’s like asking a woman who was abused all her life to get out of the abusive circle. We are drawn to things that are familiar with us not always ones that actually good for us. How am I able to figure out this thing? When can I know the answer?

I was sad he killed my butterflies, my enthusiasm of enjoying another human being. My hope that something is going to grow out of it. My curiosity I haven’t had for a while for something new and shining. I was sad he killed a part of that I enjoyed so much of being me. It hurts. I refused to be tortured. I refused to be played around because I made the wrong move.

My self-esteem was bruised. I can feel the pain lingering on my chest and I tried to watch a chill movie and doing something creative.

I lushed out all my anger in my place to myself and I am mentally drained. I am tired. I am exhausted by disappointment.

I feel extremely weak now and my body was shaking.

Well, what worst can happen anyway. It is 2/29, I just pretend this day actually didn’t exisit.

[kakahut]

Wow, it has been a long time

Wow, it has been a long time. Last post was months ago. I am so packed with work that I didn’t even have time to look into myself. 

Today, I was dragged into a mixer party sponsored by a big alumni community of different US schools and other oversea institutions. I instantly got bored with it and hated the idea that I was like a pack of meat who was on display to be chosen by guys. Let’s just call it a meat market. Shanghai is full of girls, and being a girl like me who is a bit town boyish has no advantage. Dating, ironically, I don’t belong to my own city. 

Recently, I felt extremely bored. Although months ago, I had some unpleasant experience,  it did give me so much inspirations and I created a really great piece of art. I started to understand what I am looking for. Some true intimacy and connections with other humans. It doesn’t have to be sexual, but genuine. It doesn’t have to be love with men, it could be something broad.

I miss Catiah and Tony, although I hanged out with Teddy from time to time, he is not that an emotional type of person. I saw Eric couple weeks ago but it was really a short meeting so I didn’t actually have a chance to have deeper conversation with him. He didn’t excite me as much as I expected. My mind need something new, a new stimulation.

I need to fall in love again. Love someone, love something and love life. I feel like a zombie who closed my own portal of connections and feelings, I don’t feel I am living fully of myself.

I miss I can feel something.

[kakahut]

Crush crushed

I fucked it up and I think I lost a friend. I couldn’t sleep well last night trying to figure out how I felt. I listed a couple: I was embarrassed, nervous, anxious, confused, and also feel like a teenager girl who just got out her dirtiest secret.

I tried to stick into my motto of living my life but I just realized I was lived by my life again.

It turned into a task because I was on a deadline. I honestly didn’t care too much about the outcome because I have a better control if is fucked up.

Then it goes back to the initial question, why do I propose it? Maybe deep down inside, I do have hopes, don’t I?

Maybe that’s one of my experiment of rejection. So what do I learn from it?

I learned feeling embarrassed around 30 is a bit different yet similar experience. Yeah, it felt like shit when you exposed your insecurities in front of a 23 year old who is completely shocked by your statement and you tried to stabilize the situation by completely doing the opposite. And you felt worse, especially in a fucking taxi.

It is also a bit different. I think I started to laugh about it a bit too early when I felt the burden was out. Then I feel a bit of guilty to put him into my emotion roller coast. I think I am still selfish of doing it but I do empathize people a bit more.

I learned I should try the rejection strategy and I have not experienced rejection enough to be actually cool about it. What if I have asked more about his feelings instead of focusing on how I was presented? Maybe I could ease the situation better. Shit, now I feel guilty again.

I learned uncertain loving affection can create so much powerful energies for creation. It gave me another new perspectives and it refreshed my life for me.

It always felt like a suicide mission. I think “ Fuck it I am gonna do it anyway” is always my life motto.

Do I regret my decision? Hell yeah. I could have done it better. When he was trying to embrace a better future, instead, I was so confident because I pictured a doomed future already.

I know myself better now, I am an optimistic pessimist.

[kakahut]

Young Crush

I am having a new crush now. I never thought I would connect with someone who is  way younger than me. I always think them as brothers, like Nico, like Pablo, Paco, etc. 

I really like him because he is mellow, not like guys I used to feel attracted to, egotistic, aggressive, and always seem to know what they are doing but they actually know shit. He is refreshing because he has not suffered the reality yet. I don’t know if he will ever suffer, and he just have this optimism from a typical Sichuan boy, reminded me of the good memories I have in my early 20s.  

I have been struggling if I should make a move since I realized it. I think the age thing was a big concern for me, although I did hook up with someone younger before, it was like a really quick one time thing when I was trying to forget about my ex.

He is different, I fully aware he is not perfect, but we are close, mentally. I enjoy his company so much sometimes I don’t even realize we have spent so much time together as if we are already dating.

He gave me a back massage last time and most of my friend think that was a move, and I am not sure. I am always being touchy with friends and I did offer him a neck massage in public. I like ppl so I want them to feel good.

Then I regretted that I didn’t do anything about it. I wanted to say something but I never got the chance to feel appropriate enough.

I just want to say, I can’t picture us having sex yet, but I really want to just kiss you to try it out.

No matter what happened in the end, you are the sweet boy of summer 2019.

[kakahut]

Love wish

I just want fall in love again. I pray. I want someone I can love. I pray, I want someone who can sooth my old trauma, who thinks I am awesome, who loves me for who I am and I would do the same. I want someone who can be secure, who feels my existence makes his life better, who appreciates me. I want someone who won’t feel me as a burden when I really just need a shoulder to lay or cry on.

I hope the universe has my sincere pray and bring this person to me.

I just want love.

[kakahut]

Post-30-Life Update

 So I had a somewhat birthday party. It was way more interesting and fun than I expected. Angela came back to Shanghai for the weekend just right on time. She went to Huangshan with Brandon, a really nice guy from California. I met Brandon last year before he moved back to the US, and it was a great surprise he came back for my birthday celebration.

I always wanted to introduce Brandon to Will. I thought they could be a good match. Brandon is so fluent in Chinese and has a very good understanding of Chinese culture. He is well educated, not some trashy expat who has no appreciation of their lives in here. He loves China, not in an annoying stupid white privilege way. He truly understands the culture and are very open minded about it. He is so kind, generous and really good at taking care of people. Then they finally met. Before the meeting, Will was being a bit bitchy to me because I was trying to set him up with a gay guy, and that’s a bit rude. “I don’t want to be friends with people just because you think we are all gay.” I get that. It turned out that I was right. They have great chemistry. They really like each other when they first met. Even it was just a long weekend, they soon became the love birds in the group. I am happy for Will. I don’t know what the future is going to be, but I can sense he met Brandon in a right time. Timing is so important, isn’t it?

I basically kept celebrating my Bday from Friday to Monday. We had dinner together, then I went to yoga with Brandon and Angela, then picnic with Yaxin and the girls, then karaoke with a bunch of their friends, then another round of nice dinner, then another round of celebration on Monday with some of my close friends ( Catiah was not there, sad). A lot of booze. I didn’t drink that much but I have not been drinking so frequently for a very long time. I miss that. I felt loved and supported. I was really happy that Teddy came all the way from Yangpu to my birthday dinner, after all, he was not such a robot. I saw another side of him, a funny, social and chill person underneath his layers of logic facade. I was so happy to see Chasnal again after our time in Mumbai. It just all happened, suddenly, somehow, they all showed up unexpectedly. 

I got a bit anxious before my B day, but now I am at peace again. Everything is on the right track, except my mum still refused to add me back on wechat. I am making financial plans, going after my goals in life, and I have great friends around me, I can’t complain that much at all. 

Well, I was a bit disappointed that Min didn’t even send me a birthday email. Man, like seriously? I sent you an email every fucking year on your B day like right on time! Not even like China time, always US time. Hmmm, ok, I got the message, you moved on. I moved on, too. But can we just be fake friends who pretend to “care” about each other? Stephan even sent me a note on facebook! I didn’t even date him that long! Ugh, I am turning 30, dude! 30!!!! You suck, man. I just have to say, you really suck.

Ok, I feel much better now to say that. I didn’t feel much a change about my age. Yeah, I still want to fall in love for sure. Maybe I am having a smaller and smaller pool of guys I can choose compared to my 20s, but who cares, I don’t need that many guys. I just need one. And I am better everyday, and I have a much clear understanding of who I am now. I am content.

I think I am not that “fun” anymore. I am a bit boring now. But I love it. I love the boring me on the outside. I have no one I wanna impress and I don’t think it is necessary to do that. 

I am glad where I am now. Of course I felt anxious, and of course I felt I am not enough, and of course when I compared my life to people who already “ had everything”, I felt like a loser deep inside. But I believe everyone has their own pace in their own lives. So far, I am ok with this pace, I am rush to go anywhere or become anything.

I am Carol. I am Xinyu. I am the better version of me everyday.

[kakahut]

Confusion, Fear, Anxiety

I got a new job. It was interesting. I have never worked for a full Chinese company before. I felt like I was in these Chinese drama where you have to make sure you will survive through all politics. I packed myself with work. I got a part time job. I feel excited to work towards my life goals. I feel I have some value towards the world that I am living. I feel I am learning new things everyday.

Catiah is moving soon, and my B day is coming. Angela keeps pushing me to make a plan for my B day. I wanted to go to Japan, then I quit this idea because I gonna have a tight deadline from work then. I don’t want to plan anything. I don’t want to throw a party and look like I am the winner of my life. I just want to cook a nice meal with friends and appreciate their existence.

I feel stable in general. The weather in Shanghai finally gets sunny. Yes, it has been raining for almost 4 months. It could be very depressing and stressful with that. Now I feel a sense of itchiness in my heart. I want to be in love again. It is time to fall in love.

Then I had a panic attack. I started to give myself a hard time. I asked myself why I want more once I get something. I felt pretty comfortable with my casual sexual relationship with Devon, then my panic attack made me anxious about how serious I should take him. Then I overthink then I can’t concentrate on having just sex. I am scared of getting into a serious relationship meanwhile having casual sex with one guy you didn’t want to know too much bores me easily. I also didn’t want to spend too much energy to get to know other guys. Because it is always too much work, too much real work, and too much work to not get hurt.

I don’t like this feeling. Suddenly Angela’s question coming into my head: Do you love yourself enough? Hmmmm. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I thought I did, but what I truly want is connection with people. I like to feel I am focused on my work, but when I got relaxed, a huge panic coming into my vain.

If I am ready to love, I need everyone to know I am ready. So let me get ready.

Let us get ready!

[kakahut]

Heart aching.

I haven’t had a lot strong reactions to sadness for a while, even when I had a huge fight with my mum, I was able to calm down and shut down all negativity. 2018 was a tough year. Things always change and I am always growing. I don’t think I enjoy being “ stable”, that’s why I surprise myself with new choices.

Life in the US seems so far away, as if I woke up from a really long dream. When Eric was in town couple months ago, I felt he was the only connection I had with the past because he is a visitor, an outsider of this crazy city that I am living. Maybe also slightly related to the fact that I met him on that new year’s eve in NYC where I first realized I was madly in love and heart aching for Min.

Years passing, I am surprised that I would still burst into tears when flashbacks coming back. I remember the feeling just like it was yesterday. It was not a big deal, I told myself, but it felt so present. Why am I still sad? I wonder. I am over it, I analyzed everything thousands of time. I started to forget many details in that relationship but I am still feeling it, the feeling of heart broke.

I didn’t have strong emotions even when I sent a happy birthday email to him. It seems like a reassurance to myself that he was not my imagination, that he is a real person.

I miss him. I want to know how he is doing but I can’t know it. I can still have some simple chat with Stephen, being happy with what he has achieved these years, but I don’t even have the guts to dig out a picture of Min through social media.

Maybe I am not over it, then what I am hanging on to? Is that because that was the closest time I know what love is? Or I just miss the feeling of being so obsessed with someone? Or I just miss the feeling of being young and reckless?

I lost it. Lost that excitement, lost that chemistry, lost that bravery to go for it.

All I remember was how he made me feel and how he gradually fade away, becoming an idea.

I don’t what to forget how I loved you even I forgot many parts of you.

Cuz I have never loved so.

I lived, I lost and I survived

It is not a big deal.

I still have faith in love.

[kakahut]

Harry

I met Harry on Tinder. Yup, Tinder. Another Harry since my first boyfriend. Harry is a cute guy who also grows up in the same city like I do. Harry is interesting because he likes motorcycles, he is learning guitar and he reads. The first time I met Harry, he invited me to have sex with him. I refused and I told him that I don’t fuck on first date and I am not looking for ONS. Then Harry proposed going to a sex hotel with swings. I was intrigued. It was a very teenager idea. It reminds of my first Harry, my younger life where the only things in our mind was sex. 

I said yes, so I met Harry again the next day. We went to a sex hotel, similar region where I used to have sex with my old Harry. I felt young and excited because I didn’t know what this new Harry would bring me. Harry was in a good mood because he just got a new job offer and he is going to have a new excited life. 

I had very exciting experience with Harry. I never thought swing could be that much fun. It gives me another perspective about sex, about intimacy. We cuddled after sex for a while and then we are ready to leave. I felt so good when cycling in the rain after it, I felt excited because this experience was so different since I came back, and I should say, best time ever.

Then I am confused. I don’t know if I like Harry because I like him as a person or I like Harry because he fucked me well. I felt like a competition where I want to prove to him that I am good in bed. 

I don’t know if I should text him after. We have no common friends, and we didn’t have that much of a conversation. After struggling for several days, I decided to propose a meeting with him again. First, I don’t want to have a ONS, so meeting again means it is not going to be an ONS. Second, I want to try to have a less rush date. I invited him to my place.

I cooked a good meal, and we did again. This time I came really intense. Sex was good. But still, I don’t feel that much connections. We don’t have much in common.

Hmmmm. I guess it is not a ONS rather than a TNS? Hmmm, I guess I just don’t want to have a ONS. So I prove it is not a ONS.