#and actually tissues would probably have come in handy

[wishjacked]

Happy #WebcomicDay!! :D

This year we're celebrating the process of making pages... so below the cut I've got a bunch of pictures sharing how I go about making pages of my evil post-apocalyptic workplace sitcom, Cargo!! :D

So! My process!!

Writing-> I think sometimes there's pressure to "write" your comic a certain way, I see people talking about script format and stuff a lot. That really doesn't work for me, though! I write my "first draft" script in short scenes on scrap paper, in whatever order they come to me. Sometimes a scene will just be one or two lines, and then a little description of what I want to happen in the rest of the scene.

Later I type the scene up, and write the "connective tissue" that fits between the disjointed scenes so they all flow together like they ought. I don't do page breaks or even character tag or action notes hahahaha I like it to be as BASIC as POSSIBLE so it's easy to edit. And since I'm the person drawing it I can almost always remember who's supposed to be saying what lmao

I edit a lot, but the most major editing is also probably the last bit... when I letter my pages usually I realize "they would never say that" and so I end up rephrasing everything. My art brain is sometimes waaaaay better at phrasing hahaha. Like you can see in the finished page for this script I rewrote like basically all of it, and actually went back to the original "sketch" script in a lot of places.

Thumbnailing-> my thumbs are really big, I draw them with markers on printer paper and keep them in a binder!! I like to thumb scenes in batches and I also usually write my dialogue on them, just so I can read through them before (and while) I draw to get a feel for how the pacing works. :)

Sketching-> OH sketching is also really hard for me! I don't have a good visual imagination so it's really important for me to make sure I have good references. Last year I was especially focusing on setting.

My comic is set in Florida. I'm lucky in that I used to live there and still go back to visit sometimes, so sometimes I can gather my own reference images! But more often I start on Google Maps or Zillow, trying to find buildings that have interesting features or the right kind of "look" for what I want. I'll also look up other interesting elements, my comic is set in a post-apocalypse and I'll research home gardening and things like that which people would probably have.

For example, in this set in chapter 7, I used Google Maps images, photo references of indoor hydroponic gardening, and like, 90's-00's hacker computer setups haha. Also my BFF Roomstyler.com, where you can make 3d house interiors haha!!

Lineart-> I LOVE lineart it is my favorite!!!! I sketch and ink two pages at a time, and it usually takes somewhere between 10-12 hours to do both steps.

I actually think my art looks best when it's just lineart... but I think my STORY is better with color, like it makes it clearer and easier to read and it has a better atmosphere HAHA.

Colors-> I think it usually takes me 4-6 hours to do 2 pages (I haven't timed myself as consistently as I time my lineart and sketching). I have a big file with small copies of my previous pages that I color drop from, and my characters are all flats only. The limited palette that I use is also really handy, it streamlines coloring a LOT.

Finishing Touches-> aka I steal mercilessly from my one true love, my internet home, the beautiful and blessed Wikimedia Commons

I put lots of overlay layers on my art! I like textures so having some strange little textures or pictures on things makes my art feel a lot more finished to me.

And finally my very most favorite ✨finishing touch✨ is the bright colored/patterned gutters that I use. Here are some of my favorites that I've made and used in the past!

And that's all!! I hope you guys have a very happy Webcomics Day and find lots and lots of wonderful new things to read!!!

[jungkoode]

I wonder if there's any way to know kgp! Jk's opinion abt oc🥹 how he feels abt her , his real feelings hidden away deep inside.

Also for very beneficial reasons , I want to see V fall in love but I want her to die a painstaking death so he could feel how jk felt😮‍💨 an eye for an eye.

But then again knowing v's personality it's highly unlikely he's gonna fall in love , he's a maniac at best. But still, if you ever want to or get the time I would really love to read a sequel or prequel with v's story , or maybe I'll come up with it I'm my own head cuz it's that irresistible . I'm already in love with your characters 😭

*aggressively slams coffee mug on desk*

OH MY GOD ANON YOU'RE ENABLING MY PSYCHOLOGY NERD TENDENCIES (╥﹏╥) Let me tell you about my children because THIS COMMENT. THIS RIGHT HERE. This is the kind of deep diving analysis that makes me vibrate with excitement at 3AM while my roommate begs me to please go to sleep

First off - Jeon's thoughts about Y/N? HAHAHA. Our emotionally constipated chief is mostly just annoyed that this tiny seduction division gremlin keeps popping up in his carefully ordered life. Like sir, you have an entire division to run and now you have to babysit? The AUDACITY. Not to mention the coffee incident (which... yeah, there's more to that than meets the eye, just wait for chapters 5-6). BUT. But but but. You might've caught that tiny moment where she stood up to him and didn't back down? Yeah, that... that did something. Not that he'd ever admit it, the stubborn fool. I mean, a chief doesn't usually have to deal with ensigns from other divisions having the NERVE to talk back to them, right? (￣ヘ￣)

I can't spoil much (I choose violence and chaos), but I will say: Jeon values independence like it's going out of style. Wonder why... *cough* *cough* There's some spicy lore drops coming in chapters 5-6 that might illuminate things. Let's just say his appreciation for people who can stand on their own two feet isn't... accidental ;)

Now V... Oh sweet summer child. My beautiful disaster. My unhinged creation. *cracks knuckles* OKAY SO. Everyone in this gang is traumatized to hell and back, but V? He's got layers. Like a fucked-up onion. Or a trauma lasagna. I spent WEEKS researching personality disorders and psychological profiles to write him properly (my browser history is concerning, and my FBI agent is probably worried). His feelings about what happened with Jeon are... distorted, to put it mildly. There's a reason he felt so betrayed, and it's not just about Jeon.

ACTUALLY. *whispers* I might have plans for a separate story focusing on V because BOY does this man have a story to tell. And it might be told from someone else's perspective(s). OOPS SPOILER POLICE I SAID NOTHING. But like... his psychological profile is so complex I had to make an entire separate document just to keep track of his trauma responses and triggers. I literally read entire books and research papers on various personality disorders to get him right (yes, I'm that kind of nerd, fight me (ง'̀-'́)ง).

As for V falling in love... *laughs in author who has Plans™* I will say this: nothing in this story will go the way you expect. That's a promise and a threat (｀∀´)Ψ His arch does intertwine with Y/N’s… but not in the way you’d expect. <3

P.S. The fact that you're already crafting headcanons makes my black little heart so happy! Keep them coming! Just... maybe keep some tissues handy. Just saying. And maybe a therapist on speed dial. Because honey, we're just getting started (⊙﹏⊙)

P.P.S. Your brain going "what if V fell in love and then SUFFERING" is exactly the kind of chaos I respect. You. I like you.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[shmowder]

This is such a random thought, but I've been wondering what some of the characters would eat on a daily basis

I love you artemy but he gives me the vibe of someone that makes a big batch of something and then eats it for a week straight with no complaints (im sorry Mr burakh I don't want to eat porridge every morning and stew every evening)

Daniil seems like the opposite, he makes an overly elaborate breakfast like jam spreads and eggs (you can't tell me this guy didn't down like three cups of coffee every morning during his stay at the town and head out the door though)

Mark immortell does not eat he feeds on my tears of pain whenever i die in this game i hate this guy 🤬

Artemy needed to make food stretch out while travelling throughout the country + the army tends to serve a cycling menu, so those two habits might take months or years for him to break out of.

Maybe if Sticky and Murky complain enough about his cooking and having to reheat the same pot of stew for supper each day, Artemy would get the needed push to actually put thought and variety into what he makes, instead of the run-of-the-mill easy, filling, and nutritious goopy liquid of the day.

If this was the modern world, Artemy would be the guy whose fridge's filled with nutrition bars, absurd amounts of raw meat, and frozen soup divided into plastic containers.

Isidor must have been a better cook and actually fed Artemy more than the same 3 dishes in different fonts. Stakh might have picked up the recipes and cooking skills, but he just... never uses them.

Until on day while babysitting Sticky and Murky, he makes the mistake of preparing what he thought was a simple dish, only to watch these two kids almost burst into tears at the first taste of actual spices and fresh non-stewed vegetables in so long.

Que Artemy pleading with Stakh to share those recipes the next day after sampling the leftovers his kids brought home, because damn, this tastes exactly like his dad's cooking. When did Stakh become so handy in the kitchen? Artemy remembers him not even knowing how to boil eggs when they were kids.

Dankovsky, on the other hand, had a steady life and began his independence in college. Now, from the bits of lore drops during his p1 route, they paint a picture of a very... chaotic gremlin university Daniil. Like that one time, he mentions breaking the law and stealing tissue from a dead body while he was a student, or the fact not only did he attend the same bars as Andrey, but always carried a loaded pistol on him, even when he knew he was going to end up batshit drunk.

His diet during those days probably consistent of:

But that was the young and callow Danil. The man standing in front of us today is a few months short off entering his 30s. Yet on the other hand... old habits die hard.

So we have two options when it comes to theorising on this shortie's daily munches.

Option One: Danil is negligent with food

He worked at Thanatica deep hours into the night. He had press conferences, presentations, shareholders meetings, and social events to attend.

If someone is so willing to sacrifice sleep when it comes to his busy schedule, it's not far-fetched for food to be next.

When he does get the opportunity to eat, it's never homecooked. Hell, l'm willing to bet my arm on the fact he hasn't tasted a genuine homecooked meal in years.

Business dinners at fancy restaurants are more his style, an open buffet with eccentric dishes at conferences, the stale office coffee which he ignores until it's cold and then sourly downs it in one go. Whatever his co-worker at Thanatica decided to buy for the team lunch break today while doing a coffee run.

Does he know how to cook? Maybe. Daniil cares about how he presents himself, much like he memorised Latin phrases to show off, teaching himself after moving to his first apartment must have been deemed vital for his whole "I'm a grown capable adult now" aesthetic.

It's been a while; he's rusty, and all the recipes he knows came from a french cooking book that focuses more on presentation rather than taste or nutritions. He might not be able to make you any chicken soup while you're down with a fever, but you can be reassured that an Eggs en Meurette will come to the rescue... or so he claims.

-

Option Two: Daniil is obnoxiously punctual with having three meals a day

Okay, he was irresponsible with food before, so what? The past is the past. Not to mention, as a doctor specialising in death and its prevention, it's an oxymoron for him to neglect his own health.

He needs energy, a ton of it. So he makes sure to get the whole 8 hours of necessary sleep a day and eat 3 fullfilling meals on the dot. He's not that reckless 20-something boy anymore throwing his life away. He has a purpose, and he will make sure to live long to achieve it.

I'm not saying he fantasises about dedicating a whole chapter to these healthy habits in the autobiography—which he'll eventually write after earning all the deserved fame that comes from besting death—And l'm definitely not saying that he'll be the most smug about it as he describes how he never skips a meal, never stays up past bedtime, and rarely has more than one glass of wine per week. How a lot of his current healthy and responsible acts do root from wanting to feel a certain level of superiority over your average chum.

But it is—kind of—what I'm saying

The town was the exception, not the rule, on a normal Dankovsky day, he starts it with breakfast. Fruits are optimal, some toast to get his carbs in, tea with milk for the calcium, and of course he can't forget the water.

Can he cook? hmm, I'd say yes. This Danil is a decent cook. His personal pallet is still a bit fancy shmancy, but he's got the basics pinned down. He even still goes out of his way to practice a new recipe or two during the weekends. Constant variety is key.

-

Now, surprisingly, these two options can not only co-exist, but also be frankensteined into the same timeline. A Daniil that starts with neglect from his youth, then becomes a responsible adult, only to fall back into these bad habits when the stress of work and funding Thanatica becomes too much.

So he tries his best to have the necessary meals, but sometimes time slips between his fingers like fine sand while toiling away in the labs, and his only options are an empty stomach or two cups of coffee and crackers from the vending machine.

On a related note, I don't think Eva can cook, nor does she want to. Mostly surviving on fruits, wine... so much wine, plus the occasional sweets.

And clearly, Peter doesn't cook either.

Which means Andrey had to learn cooking at some point to feed his twin before they became the famous rich architects they are. Even now, he's still the one arranging and paying for the food deliveries to Peter's house, It goes with his whole renaissance-man shtick, but he wouldn't cook for just anyone. Even if you happen to be a guest at his house (whatever the fuck that means since the man spends 24/7 in his own pub rather than actually go back to wherever his home is) He'd still expect you to bring your own food or be satisfied with alcohol. Now, his eating habits? 100% like Eva, if not worse.

Peter is the closest thing a human has ever come to surviving soley off of alcohol. Lucky for him, twyrine actually has good nutritions in it, courtesy of the plucked herbs.

I'm pretty sure Mark Immortell likes to eat crying infants, the blood of goats, widows' tears, and these fists because oNE OF THOSE DEATHS IN MY P2 RUN WAS UNJUST AND UNFAIR MARK! I haven't fucking forgotten, MARK! you dropped a robber ON ME, MARK. You spawned him ATOP MY HEAD, MARK! I WAS PICKING HERBS IN PEACE MARK. I WAS AT FULL HEALTH HOW WAS IT POSSIBLE FOR HIS THICK ASS TO INSTA KILL ME, MARK!?

[ghostkingdoesstuff]

@darkcrowprincess I remembered other monster girls actually but the media gets really niche so be warned.

1: like half the bitches from Homestuck. That being said it's Homestuck so RUN RUN DON'T DO IT YOU WILL NEVER GET THE GREY BODY PAINT STAINS OUT OF ANYTHING DON'T DO IT!!!

2: Adventure Time has quite a few non human very flawed women. Also a bunch of other shit. Also lesbians 👌🏼🔥

3: Steven Universe (if you consider gem aliens monsters? I'm trans and willing to cosplay Pearl cuz I consider all the gems on the NB spectrum soooo) Lotta bad and great women shaped people in that show. Would recommend (plus the music is very fun) also lesbians

4: Beastars (if you consider furries monsters? I cosplayed Haru one time, so I do personally.) Not very women lead but the Manga has some more fem centric story lines, and the show it's has a lot to say about what we consider "monsterus" (lesbian coded in the manga)

5. Like any DND podcast. My favorites come from Dimension 20. Fantasy High got me into DND, and I would highly recommend it! Fig Faeth lives in my head rent-free. (There are indeed lesbians)

6. Vivziverse DONT DO IT DON'T DO IT THE BODY PAINT AHHHHHHH (But the soundtracks bomb. Charlie Morningstar lives in my head rent-free) (I'm sensing a theme in my monster girl related media...)

7. My Baby Sitter's a Vampire (I warned you it got niche). This fandom is really fun, but the story will disappoint you because it ends on a cliffhanger and they will probably never finish it 🙃 but it's a lot of fun. Not lesbians but I headcannon it... not them... well...

8. Athena from Croakerverse? (If being the vessel for the soul of Gerard Way is considered "monsterus, "... I wouldn't cosplay her (I would cosplay Sage, though)) This entry is literally a series of Tumbler blogs. Would recommend Strange Eons video recap on it, buck wild, still ongoing.

9. Poppy's discography (if being... whatever Poppy is is monstrous... yeah I'd cosplay her... not well) She's just very good. (Also Sapphic vibes. Her cover of All the things She said ;-;)

10. Monika from Doki Doki Litterature Club (if being a sentient AI is monstrous... the way she does it probably... I would slay that costume) MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING on that one but genuinely such a good game, . (I refuse to belive this game isn't sapphic)

All the other monsturus women I remember are probably from Anime, so quickly:

KRULE TEPIST MY GOAT from Owari No Seraph (OMG THIS FUCKING SHOW *Screams incoherently in never getting season 3*)

Monster Musume (This show is... highly questionable, but I remember enjoying it way back when. Lotta monster girls... highly questionable)

C2 From Code Gayass Geass. She's a witch? Vibes but I recommend the show because the show is great.

Black Butler has a couple monster ladies but Grell Sutcliffe is my Grim Reaper trans fem wife and I will hear no slander of her name.

My Hero Academia also has girls with monster stuff going on but it's less monsters and more mutations— omg me forgetting X-Men exists (haven't seen more then the first 2 Deadpools but my brother highly recommends)

Attack on Titan (haven't finished it) and I can't tell you who the monster girl is cuz spoilers but you will probably cry so have tissues handy.

Aggretsuko if being a furry is indeed a monsturus. This one's really cute and women lead. This red panda is SO DONE with working 9-5, and she screams about it. Peak fiction, much a mood👌🏼

If you're screaming a very popular show at me rn, please scream louder. I need recs.

If more monsturus Ladies hit me I'll let you know but for now this is all I've got *-* I've failed the name 100 women challenge and for that, I'll go find more women... I do have monster boys as well, but save it for another day. ... oh, Homestuck also has Lesbians in case anyone was wondering.

[number-onekidqueen]

TTPD (and rep?) Theories

Come with me as I clown and theorise some things.

1. Ok, let’s start off with some things that I’m actually quite sure of (maybe?). I am fairly positive that the music video released at 8pm EST, will be fortnight. And maybe it will be the first single. Why you ask? Well-

Firstly, using the video she posted today as evidence the first scene is presumably her office. There we have a CD of midnights and four of the special addition vinyls. Midnights is her tenth album.

Now if we remember back to school, and that handy addition, four plus ten would be fourteen. Hence, a fortnight.

Next, on the planning board where she wrote the news we have fourteen tally’s beneath it. Need I say more?

2. Here comes some of my dicier theories. I think somehow four will be a factor in some way. I’m not exactly sure how, but it will. There are four versions of TTPD (the manuscript, the bolter, the albatross and the black dog), there were four stars on the notice board, and there were four cds. Now four and 2 seem to be commonly occurring. Which leads me to think, what if there was a double album release. I know people have said this before, and I’m probably delulu, BUT the cd nearest to the camera was black, you had to get through black before you got to the TTPD office. And it would tie in with no explanation just reputation.

Don’t ask me for dates, idk 😭. Something to do with 4 I guess?

The only solid theory I had was that it was related to the fortnight theory again. If the release date of rep tv was released 4hrs before or after or 4 days or gosh even the day of, and then it actually got released a fortnight later that would be 3/5 (or 5/3 for Americans), which is actually the age she’s turning this year, and it might tie up the fact that she’s getting back her reputation this year as she comes halfway through her thirties.

And also just a random thought, maybe 14 and fortnight is significant especially in this album, because 13 has always been her and her lucky number, and fourteen was plus Joe who was the extra 1, the 1 for her until she wasn’t.

That or there are four singles, or extra songs will come out at 4am EST or there’ll be 4 extra songs.

Will this come true? Who knows, that’s how I’m feeling about it ^^.

That’s all I have for now, but i wished everyone happy clowning. And when TTPD comes, remember tissues and maybe even some chocolate.

[vei1s]

　　"oh uh like that's actually like totally really good t'know. like don't get me wrong, it's a tried and true trope, it’s like a staple of the genre, it's cool in like fanfic and stuff but yeah it doesn't really seem logical or like… practical. Like if anythin’ it should be a sedative." they appreciate the rambling, it's welcomed and something they relate to. it's half the reason gen chose a podcast format over video. the other half being that video would have been impossible.

it's cute as well, he seems nervous, and they think about giving him the sparknotes of their monster story but, he's moving on, and they wish they had their notebook handy. it's all fascinating information and she's paying close attention.

she smiles when he makes eye contact, it's minimal and soft, and nods. a small i'm listening go on hopefully communicated through it. "fine, fine, like scouts honor i won't try and brave it out but seriously buck i will be fine. just trust me. i trust you , okay?" her tone is sincere and honest, there's something hidden in it, but what that thing is gen doesn't know. it isn't fear, they know that much at least. it's more like a deeper trust than they're aware of, it's not the time to dig into it and dissect it, it can wait. 

gen watches him, trying to not let their stare be too intense, they're just curious and don't want to come off as disinterested or only doing this out of annoyance with his dozing. he really does look rough, it's been bugging them most of the night and they'd wanted to say something earlier but kept pushing it off, not wanting to seem overbearing. pushing him away isn't something they want to do, and not just because it would mean losing one of the best parts of this whole project. 

the thought slips away when she feels a pinch, her hand is balled into a fist like she's actually giving blood and she relaxes it, flexing her fingers gently. they'll add it to their personal list of shit that should probably hurt way worse , though why it doesn't could be due to any number of factors. from the fact that she's had previous practice with getting blood drawn to the whole... whatever their deal is thing.

or it could be because he's being extra careful and gentle. gen doesn't know and it's not really a burning question she's eager to ask about. at least, not yet. it's going on the list, though, as soon as she can write it down.

she bites at her lip as he drinks, feeds, whatever the term is and hopes that he'll be okay. he's not melting or crumbling, which gen takes as a good sign. he's also not coughing it up which has to be a really good sign. then, they notice his movements shifting in speed and energy, and they tilt their head, holding back from getting closer, realizing that he probably needs some space. they pull back and suddenly...he's out and she freezes.

　　"....fuck, please like, don't be dead. again. like please just be passed the fuck out. like, i totally wanna tease you 'bout this later and it'd really fuckin' suck if i couldn't."

gen has no idea how to check and make sure he isn't gone gone, but there's a peacefullness to his face, they think there is at least. she waits a few beats before moving, eyes not leaving him as she does. 

they move quickly, first grabbing a blanket from the pile on the chair she's been sitting in and draping it over him, tucking the corners under him gently. there's a bag in her room, stuffed with tissue paper and a gift she had fully planned on giving to him later, but it's oddly perfect for the moment and she can't resist the opportunity to be soft. while they don't want to leave him alone in case he suddenly comes to, it's only for ten seconds max.

gen dashes in and out of rooms, snatching the gift and returning in record time. she takes extra care to not rustle the paper too much, they don't know how light a sleeper... rester... passer outer (exact terminology of whatever the fuck he’s doing is just something she'll have to ask about when he's back on earth) he is and they really don't want to disturb him.

an orange and black stuffed bat wearing a firefighter outfit is pulled from the bag and placed against him, and they'll have to explain how if he presses the right hand the intro notes to decode will start playing. they'd panicked on what to make as a sound, the stock bat screech had sounded too sharp, and she'd gone with the first thing to come to mind.

　　"hey, buck, if you can hear me, like, at least give me a sign of like, not really life but like... fuck i dunno i just like, i need to know if i should be freakin' out more than i am right now. like in general, i probably should be with most things, but like this is totally uh, a very specific thing. maybe i am already freakin' out. just like, don't be dead? or like, dead-er?"

she sighs and settles back into her chair, pulling her laptop onto her lap, and grabs her headphones from the table. they have a few episodes they need to do some edits to and figure it's a sign that they should go ahead and start. Her focus can’t seem to pull away from buck for too long, and ends up stuck on him for longer than it should. “i'll explain what you're probably gonna be askin' me, i promise, just like, please don't get pissy that i didn't tell you sooner? Or like, maybe just don’t remember this at all.” They still dont know if he can hear but it’s said more for herself than him.

[explosionkatsu]

“Age doesn’t matter” 7

Dad!Bakugo x F!Babysitter!Teacher!Reader

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

The next day arrived and Katsuki behaved toward Y/n as if nothing occurred in her apartment.

After what he witnessed yesterday, Katsuki decided to entrust Y/n. He decided to rely on her concerning Kazui. He wouldn't acknowledge it of course but she's a huge benefit to him. The only thing he should do is to make Y/n officially Kazui's babysitter. He didn't mind her tutoring him as well. But he's confident Kazui didn't need tutoring knowing how intelligent his son is.

Y/n on the other hand was feeling frightened when she hasn't seen Katsuki drop Kazui. He probably took him away from her. But when she caught the same car Katsuki used, her heart pounded happily.

"Ms. Y/n! Ms. Y/n!"

Y/n beamed and rushed to Kazui providing him with a tight embrace. She thought she won't be able to see him again.

"Too tight, dumbass."

She heard Katsuki say.

She looked up at him happily causing Katsuki to be surprised. He has never seen that look from her before so it took him off guard but maintained his composure.

"Thank you." Y/n mouthed wiping a small tear from her eyes.

"Ms/ Y/n? Are you okay?" Kazui asked confusedly once Y/n let him go.

"I am, sweetie." Y/n smiled softly at him. "Now go inside, you want to have your first late attendance, right? It'll ruin your record."

Kazui looked at her terrified. "Nooo!!" He yelled dashing towards the school entry.

Both adults watched him make his way inside without stumbling or tripping.

When Kazui faded from their view, Y/n turn in Katsuki's direction.

Katsuki on the other hand was bewildered. Why wasn't he leaving? Was he waiting for Y/n to say something to him?

"Thank you for bringing him today, Katsuki," Y/n said softly as she shift her gaze to her feet.

"The hell are you saying? It's his school. Fuck off." Katsuki reacted looking away.

Y/n chuckled before responding, "W-well, after what occurred yesterday. I-

"What?" Katsuki questioned shifting his gaze towards her. "What happened yesterday was my fault. I should've known your side before jumping to conclusions." Katsuki confessed. What the hell was happening to him?

Y/n just smiled. "W-well then. If you're going to pick him up. You know where to go."

"Tch. You don't have to tell me!"

And with that, Katsuki left the smiling Y/n behind.

They both didn't notice the camera concealing from the trees around the school.

..

The night began to fall bringing Y/n’s shift to an end.

Like how she usually does, she would pack up the things she needed to do at home with Kazui’s belongings as well and flee the school before the sky dimmed.

It was a normal day and nothing interesting happened. And boy she was glad she’ll get her work ID anytime now since she’s a new employee and all.

Well like I said before, she was a babysitter, right?

Nonetheless, as they both reached her apartment, Kazui zoomed in instantly to turn the tv on while Y/n just put his stuff in her bedroom, along with hers.

When she came back dressed in comfortable clothes, she watches Kazui's eyes fixed on the tv. What was so interesting?

Out of curiosity, you take a glimpse at what he was watching.

There was his papa being interviewed. All bruised up. Catching this caused your eyes to widen.

Katsuki will pick Kazui soon, so that means he’ll be here at any moment now.

So what did you do? You headed to the bathroom and collected your aid kit.

Well, why do you need this when your quirk is healing?

Lemme tell you.

Y/n’s quirk is like any ordinary healing quirk. Broken bone? No problem. Destroyed muscle tissue? You got it. But the only drawback in her quirk is that whatever injury she heals, she’ll be the one suffering. If her body doesn't seize the pain, wounds, and scratches would appear everywhere on her body.

As much as possible, she tried and use it less due to the actuality that she knows it’ll come in handy. Just like today.

As soon as Katsuki messages her he’ll come over, she’s unpacking the contents from her kit.

She waited for him to come while preparing dinner and just to be sure, she prepared a meal good for 3 people because she kinda felt like he’ll be starving.

Then she heard a knock. Almost immediately, she patted her hands on the apron she was wearing and scurried to the front door. She even saw Kazui from her peripheral vision getting up from being seated comfortably and peering from the sofa, displaying only his eyes gazing curiously at the entrance.

When you unlock the door, reveals a Katsuki being held by a nervously grinning Eijiro.

“Hey.” Eijiro greeted. “Bakubro here said I should bring him here. Sorry about this though.”

“Uncle Kiri!” Kazui beamed, running towards him and giving him a big from his legs.

“Hey, there kiddo. I didn't know you’d be here.” Eijiro smiled.

“Red riot!” You exclaimed covering your mouth.

“Kirishima is fine. Hehe.” Eijiro said. “So uh, may we can in?”

“Oh my, please do!” You stepped aside letting Eijiro get in with Katsuki, almost dragging him to the sofa.

“Uncle, what happened to Papa?” Kazui instantly sat beside his unconscious father.

“Don’t worry kiddo. He’s just resting.” Eijirou assured before turning his gaze to you. “Do you have any med kit we can use?”

Y/n just smiled. Before she moves a chair near them, she first switched the fire from her stove and went back to them holding a chair.

“Let me help-

“No, please. You are injured as well. Just rest, okay?” Y/n smiled and place the chair in front of them and then went back to the kitchen to grab the med kit from the counter.

Once she got everything, Eijiro was about to thank her for bringing the kit they both needed, but Y/n halted him causing Red Riot to look at her confused.

“I have a healing quirk.” Y/n smiled softly at Eijiro.

“Really!?” Eijiro smiled feeling a bit better.

You nodded in response. “May I tend him first, Red Riot?”

“Please. Just Kirishima.” Eijiro sweatdropped making him scratch the back of his head.

“O-oh! Apology! Kirishima.” You said a little embarrassed.

Eijiro grinned saying it's not to worry about. He watches how Y/n’s demeanor turned serious.

He gazes at her intently seeing her closing her eyes as if focusing on her surrounding. Minutes now, Eijiro saw Y/n take a deep breath before slowly opening her eyes revealing a bright blue color.

Kazui, seeing this hid behind his father’s limp arm, as if scared.

Y/n saw this. She gave Kazui a closed eye smile. “Don’t be afraid sweetie. This is still me.”

Her focus went back to Katsuki. She held his hand gently and a small circle of light came out of her hand and visibly ran under Katsuki’s skin.

Eijiro and Kazui watched in amazement.

Once the light found where Katsuki was wounded, it slowly disappears.

Y/n though closed her eyes, slightly wincing.

The same scenario happened, the comforting light passing through Katsuki’s body, slowly healing him.

The scrapes, wounds, and bruises had been lost to sight from Katsuki’s skin. No scars or marks were left.

Eijiro’s eyes were wide. “That was. Awesome!”

Y/n chuckled at his childish reaction.

“You’re so cool- uh. What’s your name?”

“(First Name) (Last Name)” You smiled at him. “You can call me Y/n.”

“You’re so cool, Y/n!” Eijiro beamed at her.

“Thank you, Red- Kirishima.” You chuckled. “May I hold your hand?”

Eijiro blinked but nodded right away. He slightly reached his hand out to Y/n who held it.

She’s so gentle. What Eijiro thought. He watches her do what she did to Katsuki, only this time, it's his turn.

The light coming from her was comforting, almost like it was lulling him to sleep. He can even feel the pain from his injuries vanishes.

Minutes passed after Y/n finished healing both heroes.

Eijiro excitedly stood up and stretched. “Wow. Not even the Medic from our agency can do this. Thank you so much, Y/n! It really helps! If you need anything, you can just message me!” Eijiro said showing Y/n the result of her quirk. Although, his eyes turn to worry when he saw Y/n rubbing her arms as if wincing. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly and slowly approach her.

Y/n’s iris went back to its original form. She gave Eijiro a strained smile before responding. “Don’t worry. It's just the drawbacks of using my quirk.” You assured.

“Ms. Y/n! You have bruises!” Kazui got up beside his father who was stirring slightly as if waking up and rushes to his teacher’s side.

“What do you mean?” Eijiro asked worriedly, sitting back to where he was seated before.

Y/n was hesitant at first. But she knows sooner or later, they’ll know. So it's best if she just informs them. “Well, every time I use my quirk on someone, the pain taken out from them will be transferred to me. If my body couldn't deal with the pain, bruises would usually emerge,” she said smiling at Eijiro before showing the big purple bruise on her arm.

Eijiro’s eyes once again widen. “W-what!? Why would you use it on us t-then?!”

“Because you’re heroes,” Y/n said making Eijiro silent. “People need heroes. So you should be at your best.”

“The fuck is going on.”

“Papa!”

Y/n and Eijiro stopped conversing once they heard the familiar voice and shift both their faces to him.

Kazui tackled his father who was slowly sitting up. “Euf.”

“Papa! I’m glad you’re awake!” Kazui said embracing his father.

Katsuki let the sofa take all of his body weight. He raised a hand and placed it on Kazui’s head, patting it. “Tch. As if something like that could kill me.”

Y/n turns her gaze back to Eijiro looking at him worried. “Please don't tell him.” You mumbled.

Eijiro blinked. Why wouldn't you want Katsuki to know this?

Eijiro’s shoulder suddenly slumped making him sigh quietly. He then looked back at Y/n and just smiled before nodding his head.

..

Heroes' job was the hardest. That's what most all people would say. They would even sacrifice their lives just to maintain peace.

For Y/n, being a hero was the most common dream every student she has. She would watch them play, even argue because they don't want to play be the villain. She would only giggle every time one of her students ended up going to her just because they don't want the role their playmates assigned them.

But sometimes, Y/n would question herself.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth it seeing the people smile once they knew they were finally safe?

Was it worth it seeing the people rely on you for peace?

Was it even worth it?

No, she's not a villain. But sometimes these questions would cross her mind. Why now though?

Because of the scene in front of her.

Bakugo resting on the sofa watching Kirishima and Kazui interact. She would see Kirishima and Kazui laugh while Bakugo would smirk. Even hide a smile.

The scene in front of her was heart melting. Like normal family time.

..

"Now for our latest news. It seems that our no. 2 was now involved in a romantic relationship."

This statement made Katsuki and Kirishima flinched causing their attention to shift to the news.

"What?" Katsuki growled.

"Around 7 am this morning, Dynamight was found with a lady near the kindergarten school."

"It is said that Dynamight has been acting rather close to this kindergarten teacher."

"Based on the images we gathered. It shows Dynamight in his usual work outfit and the teacher having a conversation."

"Don't you think we're looking too deep into this, partner?"

"Well, they do seem like just having a normal conversation me." The newscaster laughed.

Pissed off, Katsuki flipped through the channel while glaring at the tv.

Eijiro was quiet though. He knows not to bother Katsuki when pissed. But the news surprised him causing him to divert his attention to his friend.

The media does this to spread false humor which Katsuki hated the most. Why can't they just mind their own business?

Although, his gaze shifted to Y/n who was taking her time preparing dinner for them.

Wait.

Since when did he let her prepare their meal?

And the fuck happened to his wounds?

[floraltypes]

Old Beginning Pt. 2

pairings - aaron hotchner x reader, jethro gibbs x reader

chapters - one 

summary - the news of a dinner party arrises, but there are some little challenges before the actually night

wc - 3k

an - sorry this took awhile, my summer is over and my writing schedule will be a little wonky now. i’m taking a break from answering requests, so I apologize if I haven’t answered yours, but i eventually will

Penelope and you both looked back at Aaron, taken back by his repeating of the word ‘boyfriend’. You didn’t plan on telling people so soon, considering he was your boss from your old line of work.

“I want to know everything about him, you have to invite him!” Penelope quickly went back into her loud chatting, attracting other faces at her comment. “I also may have mentioned to some of the team that you do have a boyfriend, it just slipped! You know I can’t keep secrets!”

“It’s okay, Pene,” You smiled softly. “I can’t invite him though, you know, since I’m not the one holding the dinner event.”

“You can invite your partner, everyone else can as well, considering it is a catch up,” Dave walked over, a cup of coffee in his own hand as he used the other to scratch at his stubble. “I’ll even invite the woman I’ve been seeing. Feel free to all bring a plus one, I have enough room and everyone deserves a taste of my Italian dishes, will change their lives.”

“Thank you, Rossi, but I simply can’t. It’s so soon, and he’s such a busy man,” You laughed, waving your hand. “It was a kind gesture though.”

“L/n, don’t tell us you’re embarrassed to show your new boyfriend to us?” Derek walked back over, poking your shoulder. “Penelope told all of us down here, just wanted to wait and see when you would tell us.”

“I’m not embarrassed, that’s absurd. He’s truly busy.”

“Invite him, I’ll make sure Will comes and hire a babysitter for Henry, so that we can truly have a adult night,” JJ chuckled. “Everyone is bringing a date, so it would be odd if you didn’t.”

“Actually, I don’t have a partner at the moment due to how invested I am in my studies and the factors of that many young woman my age only focus on the factor of conventional attractiveness rather then the complexity of brains and deep-”

“Don’t worry, Spencer, if you don’t have a date, then I’ll just bring two,” Emily joked. “You don’t need a date, I’m not bringing one either, but Y/n is for sure.”

“I’ll be like the tw-”

“You are dating someone, we aren’t, so you’ll bring that someone. Come on, L/n,” Emily continued on, grabbing your hand and pulling you away. “I’ll walk you out,” She turned back to wink at her coworkers, leading you to the elevator and soon the parking lot.

“Aaron,” Rossi looked towards his friend, a man who had his glare fixated on your exiting figure. “Will you bring Beth, the more the merrier.”

“Yeah, I suppose I will,” He answered, retrieving his cellphone from his pocket, pulling up her contact picture, thumb hovering over the call button. “Let’s finish up this work, so we call all get home.” He shoved it back in his pocket, commanding everyone else while moving back up the stairs to his office.

Meanwhile, you were outside of your car, looking at Emily still was right by your side.

“Bring your boyfriend,” She commented, watching as you fished for your keys and unlocked your car. “I want to meet him, I haven’t really talked to you in a long time.”

“We’re both so busy. Him as well.”

“Seriously, Y/n, I’m not gonna ease up on you. I’ve noticed the new tint in your eye, new considering the last time it was severely dulled. It’s amazing to see your real smile again, you closer to your old self despite the past losses. He really has helped you, so I want to meet the man who helped my dear friend so much.”

You contemplated her kind words, getting down to the point that everyone probably was happy to see you again, yourself physically and mentally.

“I’ll call him, see if he can come. Can’t promise anything, his work is very important to him, so if it needs him he’s there.”

Emily smiled widely, leaning over to kiss your cheek before you moved to open the front door and start your car.

“Great, I’m actually bringing someone. Poor Spencer might be the only one.”

“Aaron is as well?”

“Hotch, yeah,” She laughed. “Meet her at some track meet he had, Jack really likes her.”

“That’s good, I’ll see you soon then,” You smiled, shutting the door as Emily watched you back out, waving a small goodbye.

Leaving the facility, while at a stop light, you found your flip phone, finding the contact of Jethro and quickly dialing the number.

“Gibbs,” He answered.

“Hey, are you on a case?”

“No, are you driving?”

“Yes, safely. What are you doing? Building a boat,” You chuckled, imagining him in the basement with the tool and sweaty shirt.

“Yeah. Did you meet up with your old team today?”

“Mhm, all surprised to see me today. It was humorous in a sense. But, Rossi invited me and everyone to a dinner, telling us to bring a partner.”

“Who are you planning on bringing?”

“You.”

“So, we’re being more public with our relationship?”

“Just with the old team, my old team, they don’t have contact with anyone apart of NCIS, or at least not personal only professional.”

“I thought you were going to come and see me, instead of making me drive,” You could almost sense his smile on the other line, a mocking one.

Gibbs would obviously accept the offer, the man truly holding a strong affection for you, a soft spot personally for you, so he would agree to drive the hour or two.

But just because he would, it doesn’t mean he didn’t have to mess around a bit, act like he wouldn’t.

“I know, but then you can see my new apartment. And after this weekend, who knows when we’ll be able to see each other again. Both of our jobs involved sporadic cases that start and end at no specific time, hard to plan around. And, everyone is pressuring me to meet you.”

“I’m already popular, huh?”

“I suppose,” You huffed, rubbing your temple, exhaustion starting to take over you, wanting to get some rest, a calming bath to combat earlier feelings that seemed as if they were creeping up once again.

“I’ll come, don’t worry. Get home safe, call me when you have the address and date.”

“Okay, bye.” You hung up, tossing the phone onto the empty seat as you continued to drive, playing the music from the CD already inserted in your car.

Time leading up to the dinner seemed to fly by, especially considering that it wasn’t much time and you weren’t having to work. You decided to take the free time to get fully settled in, figure out your nerves, make a phone call to your therapist, and even read. Trying to get prepared for all the days that are to come.

Your hair was now being changed from its normal du to a new one, fancier in a sense. Applying a nice coat of makeup, new lip color, trying a new pallet and the old eyelash curler that hasn’t been used in a while, you finished ‘upgrading’ your face. A outfit was simple, considering you didn’t have many fancy ones, so with not much to choose, it was a quick decision.

Sliding that on and fixing the straps to be a bit tighter, messing with the bra to fit correctly, and pulling it down a bit, you grabbed your go to purse, shoving needed materials a into it as you moved to the kitchen.

Within the kitchen, there was a certain door within the wall of the pantry with a password. Quickly typing in the combination the door swung open, choosing between a small but handy knife, you put in the pocket of your bag.

You weren’t too worried about dangers at the dinner, but with years of catching/fighting murders, specific people after you, and even very powerful assassins, you carried certain weapons for safety.

Hearing the sturdy knock of someone’s knuckles on your front door, you rushed to shut the the secret door in the pantry, heading to your front door where someone was waiting.

A quick peak through the hole, your eyes widened in surprise and opened the door, allowing the man to walk in.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you, till uh, later tonight,” You mentioned, looking him up and down to see him more dressed up. “Are you not able to attend anymore?”

“No, I’m still going,” Hotch denied, sliding off his shoes and following you to the couch. “I just wanted to chat before than, a chance for just the two of us.”

“Is something wrong?” You walked over to your teapot, filling it with water, and placing it on your stove, heating up the water. “This is very unexpected.”

“Nothing is wrong. I just want to talk to you, see the apartment, hear what’s new with you.”

“Things,” You shrugged. “Obviously I’ve had a new job experience, similar in ways and also not. Grew closer with a new group of teammates, people, lost a few. Yeah, lost a few,” You repeated, remembering Jenny Shepard, even Kate, both amazing women, who did amazing things.

“That’s always hard, I guess my most recent loss was Haley,” Aaron hummed, soon the kettle making a high pitched noise, you rushing to take it off and grab some tea bags.

“She was also a amazing woman. Wonderful mother, cared so much for that little boy.”

“She really was.”

“Did you come to chat about her, it’s been a while since we had. Last time we really talked was five months after she passed, after the funeral.”

“It really has been that long?” Aaron questioned, taking the tea that you time handed him. “But it’s not the reason I came. I should have made more of a effort to keep in touch, after your transfer, after your loss.”

“You stayed with me for three months, allowing to lose some time with your son so you could change my dirty sheets and pick up all my snotty tissues,” You laughed, sitting down across from him with your own cup. “You had to get back to your family, make up for loss time.”

“You still helped me with my divorce during that time, and I still saw Jack,” He reminded you.

“I could’ve moved in with my father, but you allowed me not to do that.”

“Your father is a good man, but might not be the best to live with,” He laughed, a deep chuckle, something you didn’t see much. “You look nice.”

“Now you just notice,” You chuckle, taking another sip. “Thank you, you look nice as well. I was actually just going to call Jethro and tell him to meet me there, a bit of a drive and he isn’t happy about having to find a new team,” You spoke freely, feeling comfortable with the old friend, one you used to spill everything to years ago, him ranting to you too.

“Jethro? He has his own team? Sounds like a boss of some type.”

“Uh, technically. It’s complicated. I need to get going, to make it to the dinner on time and, finish, um, cleaning up my room before leaving.”

“I could take you there.”

“No thanks, I’ll see you there, bye.” You helped guide him to the door, a curt wave before he exited and shut it, locking it in a rush and moving back to the dining room table to clean the mugs.

You didn’t want to tell him all that, always insecure due to Gibbs being the prior boss of you and how people looked at that. Rumors were always spread about your and Aaron’s relationship, mostly about it being romantic.

Joining the team, you two easily hit it off due to your personalities. Always being filled with determination and stubbornness, refusing to give up till everything was done and right, even with files. Eventually you joined together, talked, spent most days with each other due to cases, and truly gained a very close friendship.

When rumors were getting around, glares were thrown your way, comments, left out by members who weren’t your immediate teams. People thought you were the cause of Haley and Aaron’s divorce, somehow word got around quickly, drama always does.

It was frustrating, already dealing with many different things at home, and even being in a relationship, it put so much unneeded stress and anxiety onto you.

So, getting into a relationship with Gibbs was a very reluctant thing on your part, he expressed his feelings first, but it was hard to accept them, despite the nerves he faced to do it.

Locking up the apartment, having all of your items with you, you made your way out the door and too your car, starting the drive to David’s house.

Upon arriving, you could hear light chatter in the home, lights on, and soothing music playing in the background. It sounded like everyone was having their fun, you couldn’t make out all the shadows of everyone indoors, just waiting outside for Jethro to arrive.

“Y/n?” You turned around at the sound of his voice, keys jingling in his hands as he walked up to you with a sly smile, shoving them in his pockets to place his arms around your waist. “What’s wrong, love?” Be snaked them around, a kiss to your somewhat clothed shoulder.

“Nothing, just a bit nervous to introduce you to everyone,” You smiled back at him, he squeezed a little tighter, catching your lips in a quick kiss. “Looking at your team, yet?”

“Nevermind that,” He grumbled, removing his hands to now interlace your left one with his right. “We should go in, right?”

“Maybe we could head back, to my place, say you are sick or something?” You looked back at him with a pleading look, to which he just chuckled at, starting to move to the front door, pressing the doorbell as you groaned a little.

“You’ll be fine,” He looked back at you as Rossi answered the door, cheerful smile on his lips, glass of scotch in hand as he moved out of the way to let you in.

“Ah! Y/n!” He cheered, leaning over to kiss your cheek and then pulled back. “Glad you made it! This must be…”

“Y/n! Oh where is the man?” Penelope rushed in, coming right by you with her own fruity drink, then leaning to whisper in your ear. “Is this him, oo!”

“Uh, Jethro that’s David,” You pointed to the man who first greeted you, him and Jethro shaking hands. “This is Penelope, the one kind of like Abby,” You smiled, as she gave you a little look, turning back and enveloping him in a little hug. She quickly turned back to you.

“He looks a little intimidating,” She whispered as you just laughed.

“For sure,” You nodded.

“Can I offer you a drink?” David turned to you two, gesturing to the one in his hand. “Something like Garcia for you Y/n, and what about you Jethro?”

“Just call me Gibbs, and yeah that’s fine,” He corrected Rossi, taking your hand as the two of you walked more inside of the magnificent house.

It truly was so well designed, very expensive, and the appetizers adorning the oak wood table looked very delicious. You wanted to go and grab a bite, before you were actually led to the living room where everyone was currently sitting.

“L/n, finally made it,” Derek laughed, beer in his hand as he pointed at you with a little chuckle. “You always know how to be a bit late.”

“Fashionably late, I believe that’s what it’s called,” JJ corrected them with her own wine glass in hand, Will sat right besides her on one of the couch as most of them in that room joined in laughter.

“What can I say?” You laughed, walking over, feeling less nervous with the factor of introducing your boyfriend, taking a seat on another couch in the large room, Jethro automatically sitting right besides you.

“So, introduce us,” Emily motioned over to Jethro, sly smile playing on her lips.

“This is Jethro, but he goes by Gibbs, and, uh, this is the team,” You started to name everyone off while pointing to them, leaving off a few names due to your members introducing their own partners to you.

Emily, Derek, and JJ had all brought partners. Spencer and Penelope decided to ‘go together’ as if they were partners, and Hotch hadn’t arrived yet. Rossi also had his girlfriend helping him cook in the kitchen, making drinks for you and Gibbs now.

“So, you work at NCIS, right?” Spencer questioned. “The Naval Criminal Investigative Service, very interesting considering the type of crimes you investigate. I would love to hear more about some of your cases and how you went about it,” Spencer smiled, a small notebook being pulled out of his pocket with a pen.

“Yeah,” Gibbs just nodded, looking at you a little questioning, which you just chuckled at.

“Why should we talk so much about work, it’s something we all do too much of,” You joked, everyone laughing, as Dave came back out, handing some drinks.

“Fine, fine, what do you do for fun Mr. Gibbs?” Derek asked, putting a arm over the couch and pulling his girl closer to his side, the woman just on her phone.

“I like to build boats, a type of hobbie I’ve been doing for years.”

“Building boats? Where?” Will wondered, intertwining his fingers with JJ.

“My basement, a private workspace.”

“How do you get it out then?” Penelope inquired, now back by Spencer and her face in her hand, leaning closer to show her interest in Gibbs statement.

“I’d be no fun if you knew that,” He shrugged, taking a drink with a small smile as Penelope gasped, Emily mouthing how ‘I like him’. It was sweet how everything was going well.

They all continued to converse with Gibbs, easily accepting him apart of the conversation, it was sweet and you were now on your second drink, practically all nerves gone.

“Sorry we’re late,” A voice mentioned in the hallway, dressed in a fine suit with a beautiful woman standing besides him. He shrugged off the last of his coat as he hung it up, taking her hand and walking into the hallway a little.

“This is such a nice place, Aaron. Oh! Your friend, wow, so grand,” The woman admired, now truly getting in your line of sight.

“Yeah,” He mumbled, eyes interlocking with yours before falling onto Gibbs. “I’m Aaron, call me Hotch.”

“I’m Gibbs,” Your boyfriend stood up, moving over to the other man with his hand stuck out. “Call me that.”

You had a feeling this evening wouldn’t be as smooth as you hoped.

——————

taglist - @wolviesbabes @hotch-meeeeeuppppp

(comment to be added, or a tag list for all my gibbs post)

[taegularities]

Hello, Rid 💕💕

You dropped so many bombs that there's no way for me not to come and ramble in your inbox again.

First of all, it's honestly a big turn off for me when I see unhealthy jealousy and possessiveness in a story too. I understand that jealousy is a human emotion that you can't help but feel sometimes, but when characters (or real life people for that matter) use that as an excuse to either be unhealthily possessive or a downright asshole, that's when it really becomes too much for me. And this goes for over the top protectivenese as well. I just think there's a right time and place for that and not every problem has to be solved with violence.

That's actually one of the many things I think you do so well in cmi. Like for example in that scene at the club where Seokjin's friend is bothering OC and instead of letting his anger get the best of him, Jungkook considers what would be best for OC 🥺🥺🥺 I think that's so much more admirable than lashing out with no thought. And the way they protect each other by looking out for each other and caring in subtle ways as well. Every time OC defends Jungkook in front of her parents and stands by him too 🥺🥺🥺 That being said, people do need their ass beat sometimes and that's probably when JK's muscles and OC's fierceness come in handy lmao.

Also a Valentines day drabble for my favourite couple??? That sounds so lovely I'm literally 🥺🥺🥺 irl at the thought of that. I have no ideas about what they would get for each other though, I am very much not creative and romantic when it comes to these kinds of things. As you can tell, I share my love through slightly incoherent rants lmao. All I know is that I would love to see them before the angst. And you say cmi7 next week??? I'm even happier that I have free time now. I'll be ready with tissues whenever you're ready to post it, Rid.

And lastly, I don't even know what to say about you mentioning that you're writing another cocky Jungkook. Your Jungkook stories will one day be the death of me, I swear. Looking forward to screaming about that one too one day.

I usually don't really ramble this much irl, but you make me so comfortable and there's so much to say about your stories that I can't help it. Thank you for always listening 💞💞💞

ivi !! lmfao yes, i apologise for the 💣💣💣 they were super random today 🤣

i agreeee. in all honesty, i used to like the drama around jealousy, too, and smut based on it is something i still enjoy if done right hahaha but i've learned, through fics and personal experience, that it's genuinely a nasty feeling. i think it's lovelier when person A comforts person B rather than provoking them (unless they're being playful or have a reason, which we'll see in c&f i guess :')). so i get where you're coming from.

and AHHH yes! that's something i really love about the cmi couple, too... like, jk isn't a very jealous person in general; he prioritises other emotions. and as for oc, we already know how she deals with all that (e.g. through nara), so... ugh yeah i miss them so much <3 (and yes... yes, one day, they will need their muscles/fierceness hehehe)

omg yeeeee, i'm gonna try and write this drabble! it's gonna be a smol thing, but yesh, just another potential day in their lives 💕 and hopefully a sweet treat before the angst.. :') i'm super excited.. happy you are, too 🥺 the cocky jk.... no comment 🤣

ahhh omg ofc !! i'm glad you think of this blog as a safe space to ramble, i always enjoy your messages 💕 thank you for always talking to me as well, ivi 🤍

[nm70444]

A Stressful Evening - Javier Pena

Tags - Javier Pena, Fluff, Smut, Pedro Pascal, Domination

You knew Pena wasn’t one for commitment. He was married to his work, every case he worked on and solved he believed gave him more satisfaction than companionship. You seen the way he flirted and hooked up with women to just throw them away like a used tissue the morning after. But no matter what you saw of Pena you could help but wonder what was beneath the surface of him. Surely this was all a front, and he couldn’t be fulfilled with his current life?

You had worked at the DEA for around 6 months now.  You father worked with DEA in Colombia since you were little however in a drowning sea of college debt and failed jobs you decided to join him in search of a comfy position. You were just the administrator meaning you were invisible to the other men, only handy when they needed another cup of coffee or an ass to grope to release their ‘stress’. All the men in the office were the same old Colombian men who went out, drunk, cheated on their wives and done the bare minimum of work. However, Murphy and Pena caught your eye, mostly Murphy’s inability to string together a single sentence in Spanish caught your attention but apart from that they seemed genuinely interested in their jobs. You had seen them in the office over the last few months and they were the only two men to treat you like an actual human, they didn’t touch you or talk to you like you were below them. You felt safe in their company.

You wouldn’t think in the midst of the search for Pablo Escobar there would be so much paperwork? You had put in so many long evenings in the office doing everything for the men that you knew were having the nights of their lives. You think of all your girlfriends back in the US probably partying tonight and living their best lives with the most amazing jobs in the world, why could that be you? There was no reason to think about that, your chase form the “American Dream” was over and you were back in Colombia to reality.

As you are putting away all the files from the day, you hear muttering coming from one of the offices. You go to check the clock “22:45pm”. Usually, you are the only person in the office this late? You decide to take further inspection as after all, there is so much classified information in this building, if one of Pablo’s little workers got in and took anything away it would cost the DEA big time. As you peer into the office you see Pena sat there, his cigarette ash is growing long, and he grunts looking over evidence from the case. You think about walking away but your eyes lock, there’s no way to escape the awkward conversation you can feel away to happen. You never told anyone in the office this, but you secretly had a little crush on Javi since you arrived. I mean how could you not he was the most attractive man in the office, you were too scared to initiate anything and as you knew he was a guy used to one-night affairs and not long commitment.

“Y/N what are you still doing here?” he says, this is one of the first times he spoken directly to you not in a passing by or a quick question about paperwork. “You wouldn’t believe it but in your search for Pablo there is a lot of work for other people to do as well” you say, you didn’t plan on sounding like such a dickhead, but it was late, and you may as well get your frustration out now. You see his facial expression change, like he’s happy to be in your company. “Pull up a chair and have a drink with me, you seem like you’ve had a long day” he says, you weren’t usually one to drink when you have to drive but after the day you had you decided to just do it. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey that you could see had been in there a while, like he has saved it for a special occasion. “What are you doing here so late?” you say, “I presumed you’d be out drinking and flirting like all the other guys in the office.” “You peg me like every other person in this office Y/N?” he says, sending a stiffness down you body, the way he said it felt so dominant however you felt so comfortable in his company. “If you must know this case is getting a lot tougher and Murphy seems to be slacking so I’d get prepared for more long nights” he states in a more frustrated tone, like he needs a stress-free evening to relieve himself. You hadn’t been laid in around 3 months when you were so deeply depressed that you walked into a Colombian bar and pretty much slept with the first man you saw, an evening you thoroughly regret. It had been so long for you that you started to think about being one of Pena’s evening conquests, after all you never talked in the office so what harm could it do. “Oh that wouldn’t be so bad” you say, trying to turn the conversation more flirtatious. He picks up on this, “Shouldn’t you be out with your boyfriend this evening?” he asks. “Please what man am I going to find in this drug riddled, boring area of the country that isn’t either working for Escobar or is involved in some form of crime ring” you state. “We are a rare breed” he replies “Do you want to get out of here and go back to mine for a drink, I would say go to a bar but with all that is going on with Escobar I fear it is not safe” he asks. You have a feeling you know where the night will lead you however you were tantalized by him, he looked so strong and unbreakable, but you liked a challenge and wanted to see how easy it would be to crack him.

You get in his car, its old but he has such control of it that you feel safe. When you pull up to his house, he climbs out the car and opens the door for you, you never expected this type of chivalry from his, maybe he will be easier to crack than you think? When you walk into the apartment and can tell it’s the typical bachelor pad but with case files scattered all over, he goes to open the fridge which not to your surprise is just carrying beer, he pulls two out for you and him. You sit yourself on his sofa and just think of all the brain-dead bimbos he’s probably had on this sofa that could not live up to you. You were a girl with a college degree and full potential, why couldn’t any guy see it?

“I’ve seen you around the DEA you know” he says, “I see the other guys treat you like crap and I should have intervened, I wanted to, but I was afraid to start talking to you, I’m sorry.” “You don’t have to apologise, I knew what was going to happen when I took this job, that why I tried to leave Colombia and make it in America, but I always knew I’d end up back here” you say as you take a large swig on the beer. You can tell the booze is starting to hit him, his confidence is growing but he is becoming more open at the same time. “You’re so gorgeous Y/N, guys here are such dicks and you don’t deserve it” he says. In the last 6 months you’ve been back home he’s the first one to truly feel comfortable, you see his eyes wander down to your lips and further to your chest. He slides closer. Your eyes then wander down to his lap, and it instantly catches your eye. You always presumed he was well-endowed but seeing it see of a firing feeling in your crotch like you needed it. The tension was high in the room, you want to pull away and avoid being one of his conquests, but your desire pulls you back. He grabs the back of your head and kisses you; you can taste the beer and cigarettes on his lips and usually this would be enough to make you turn away but on him it tastes sweet. You feel his fingers run through your hair and your bodies come closer. “You taste so sweet Preciosa, do you want this?” he asks, you aren’t even thinking straight anymore, as he runs his lips down your neck, sucking every last bit in an attempt to leave a lasting mark on you “Fuck yes Javi” you moan “Yes I want this”

The minute those words leave your lips he’s after your blouse, taking every button off while still after your neck and lips, like he’s locked to you and can’t leave. Removing your skirt and tights you feel yourself become weaker to his touch, you expect to take off his trousers next, but you can feel his head going straight for your crotch. “What are you doing?” you ask. “Treating you as you should be treated Mi Reina” he states, before you can even comprehend what is going on you feel the wetness of his tongue circling your clit, the sensations are something you’ve never felt before, the pleasure shooting up your legs like you were going to finish quick, but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Every lick was a new high, the combination of licking, moustache hairs along your cunt and his hands gripping your thighs was electrifying. You could feel your legs turn to jelly and he was determined to keep going until he was covered in whatever he could gather from you. “Keep going for me Nena” he says as he continues to do wet circles around your clit which is so sensitive now, you are gripping onto his hair, riding his face like a cowboy in a western movie. With every movement you feel yourself edging that bit closer. Eventually the feeling of it becomes too much, you feel pulsating electricity through every part of your body, you untense, wrapping your legs around his head. He isn’t done with you yet though. He licks up every last bit of you, coming right back to kiss you. As you comes back up you see how you’ve managed to make yourself around his moustache. You pull him closer till you feel his engorged lap against your wet crotch. “Your turn now baby” you say as you get on your knees.

You arrive to his belt, as you unbuckle it you can him tensing up like he’s been waiting forever for this moment. As you unzipped his trouser you can feel its girth, with a gentle pull of his trouser it springs up. You are shocked, it is larger than any you have ever seen, and you know you are going to have fun with this. You take his length into your mouth, carefully taking it all in slowly to ensure you keep him on edge for as long as possible, reminding him you are the one in control. You hear his grunt and moans, even the sound of him makes your legs go weak. You can feel every last vein on him, as you continue to take it in you feel his large hands pull your hair, everything he does makes you feel like a little schoolgirl under his command, the power dynamic he has over you works to his advantage as you seem to forget to be control and get lost in taking in every last inch of him. As he gets close to the edge you stop. “Save that for when you are inside me” you whisper in his ear. You hear a low moan come out his mouth like he can’t believe how he is being commanded.

You arrive on your back, locking intensive eye contract with him like your being held in questioning with him. As he enters you, you feel your legs tense up again knowing this is going to end with you begging for him as you lose any sense of control when he’s on you. As he gently thrusts back and forwards you don’t break eye contract. You have never felt so close to a person before, he’s so dominating, and a stereotypical testosterone loaded male but something about him makes you not want to leave. Every thrust he takes you feel yourself edging closer, your legs are slowly losing control and the electrifying pleasure through your body is giving you such a high that you forgot all the other stresses of your horrifying life and are so focused on this one guy, the one who until tonight you only even swooned over in secret and now, he’s inside you. As you are both getting closer you feel the tension rising, he is trusting harder like its his one and only job, his hands leaving marks in your legs. It eventually becomes too much for you and you let out a moan that just pleasures him even further, you feel your legs give in as you fall onto your back again. You quickly get back up to give him the pleasure he deserves, you take his cock back in your mouth and its not long before he’s all over your face, so overwhelmed he can’t even look you in the eye as you take in every last but of him like he did with you. You stand back up to face him, you make direct eye contract but something about him seems different, like all of his walls are done and you’ve finally cracked his code

“What are you doing this weekend?” he asks.

[rayadraws]

“Somehow you must not have heard all the bad things said about me.”“I’ve heard them all twice. But I’ll make my own judgments.” For Zombiemask plz and thank you : )

Ohoo! A first for me to write...

G-rated but canon typical level gore, pre-relationship, maybe mild WC spoilers?

Like herding cats. Uncooperative, mad, possibly-no-likely rabid cats, the lot of them. It seemed a requirement for the S-class heroes to be as awful as humanely possible. Beauto sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. At least the meeting was finally over and he was all alone; a rare if temporary blessing.

That didn’t mean his work of the day was done. He had to write and submit the report, he had an´telephone interview in three hours and he’d fallen behind on his fan letters again, he should really spend at least an hour tonight to try to catch up. But at least he could allow himself a few minutes to himself right now. To breathe, to compose himself before reality came crashing back down. To enjoy the semi-darkness in the room. The more he changed, the more he seemed to enjoy the comfort of darkness.

He stood up, eyes closed, taking another deep breath, only to jump at an unexpected rattling cough in the room.

Beauto startled and looked around for the source. There, in the far, darkest corner sat Zombieman, frowning, one of his trademark cigarettes sticking out of his mouth, looking straight at him with those dead eyes. Beauto should reprimand him for smoking inside the Hero Association’s pristine meeting room, but he’d had enough tonight trying to keep Metal Bat and Flashy Flash from ripping into each other over who had the best hair, as if it had anything to do with their job! He just couldn’t muster up the energy to start another argument. Not now.

”Why are you still here?” he just asked, instead.

Zombieman chewed on his cigarette, looking unblinking at him with an unreadable expression.

”You look tired,” was all he said in return.

”So do you, with those dark circles and pallid skin,” Beauto automatically countered.

Zombieman’s expression didn’t waver. ”Yeah, but I always look like this. You don’t.”

He straightened his jacket. ”I’ll be fine.” ’Thanks for worrying’, he didn’t add. He’d accepted his lot in life, even if it meant being disliked by everyone in this place. It was worth it, if it meant they could do what they needed to do.

”Hey,” Zombieman suddenly said. ”Wanna go get a beer?”

Beauto stared at him.

”I feel like shit and you look like shit, we’ll be a perfect pair,” Zombieman continued. He coughed twice, a deep, concerning cough, but at least he had the courtesy to cough into his elbow rather than across the table.

In a moment of weakness? Madness? Beauto agreed to the offer. He must be going insane, to agree to willingly hang out with one of them. But Zombieman waited patiently as he retrieved his coat - the inconspicuous one he used for undercover missions - as he put on his scarf and hat and sunglasses that he always kept in his desk.

”You allergic to sunlight or something?” he said, still chewing on the damn cigarette.

”I can’t be seen drinking in public.”

”Ah, yeah, the idol thing.”

As they started to walk down the lobby and his trenchcoat fell to the side, Beauto realized the probable reason Zombieman had stayed so still for so long, past the meeting even; he was missing a good portion of his torso. It looked almost like something very big had simply taken a large bite out of him.

In their profession, that was actually not unlikely. How he was still standing, nevermind walking, was beyond him.

Noting Beauto’s eyes on him, Zombieman pulled his coat tighter, hiding his horrifying injuries from view.

”I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

”How can you even walk like that? Don’t you feel pain?”

”I feel pain. Don’t worry. It’ll heal.”

Beauto knew it would, but it was still disturbing. He tore his eyes away. ”Lead the way.”

”Aye, cap'n.”

The walk was slow. Zombieman limped with every step, until Beauto had had enough and put his arm around him, helping him walk more steadily. At least this way if someone recognized him, he could use Zombieman as a way to avoid them. Out of the way, this man needs immediate hospital care!

”Such a gentleman,” Zombieman purred.

”You’re too slow, that's all.”

He was taken to a bar not far from the HA, only a couple of blocks away. The way no one paid them any attention, he suspected Zombieman must be a regular here. The suspicion was made even stronger when they were immediately led to a booth in the far back, the darkest corner without as much as a word.

Beauto approved and apparently Zombieman did too, still with the damned cigarette.

”They let you smoke in here?” he asked as they sat down. Zombieman just grinned at him.

”They’re bad for you, you know,” Beauto continued.

Zombieman removed the cigarette from his mouth. Only it… wasn’t. It was a god damn lollipop.

”That’s what the kid tells me too, you know.”

Gingerly he put the lollipop down on the table and flagged the server down for two beers.

It was, despite everything, not that bad. Beauto was trained in pleasant small talk. Almost on auto pilot, he asked Zombieman all the silly little questions. The man was… strange. His hero name was well earned, at least as far as looks went. But Beauto found that beneath it, Zombieman was pleasant enough to talk to. He didn’t seem to have any grand ambitions or plans, beyond being a good role model to Child Emperor, though he wasn’t entirely sure how he was doing. As for why he took Beauto to this place? ’You looked like you needed it’, apparently.

”But why would you care?” he asked, too tired to keep up any charades.

”Isn’t that part of being a hero? Caring about everyone. ’Sides, you seem pretty cool.”

”Cool?” Beauto snorted. That didn’t fit with what he usually heard from his colleagues. Arrogant, stuck up, nothing but a pretty boy, jealous, evil…

“Somehow you must not have heard all the bad things said about me,” he replied.

Once again, he felt those red eyes squarely on himself. Unblinking and unwavering.

”I’ve heard them all twice. But I’ll make my own judgments.”

Beauto tried to meet his gaze, failed and looked down. Watched his perfectly manicured fingers resting on the worn wooden table, full of dents and scrapes.

”Thank you,” he muttered.

A small eternity passed.

”Hey,” Zombieman suddenly said. He took a deep swig of his beer and lifted the edge of his coat. Beauto glanced up, not sure he wanted to see that gross injury a second time. But instead his eyes fell on soft skin. It was pale and somewhat sickly-looking, like all of Zombieman’s skin (what he'd seen, anyway), but it was perfectly smooth, not even a visible scar.

Seeing him gawk, Zombieman pulled his coat even more aside, revealing that there was still some healing to happen near the bottom. But it was a flesh wound now, opposed to a large chunk of him just… gone. It was a marvel, quite frankly.

Beauto made an effort to close his open mouth.

”That’s… fascinating, I suppose.”

”It does come in handy. Most people do heal, though. Just slower than this.”

”’Most people’ can’t re-grow missing tissue.”

”True.” Zombieman looked thoughtful as he put the lollipop back into his mouth.

”What about you?”

For a brief moment, Beauto went cold.

”What about me?” Had he let his facade slip? Was Zombieman on to him?

”You done here?”

He breathed a sigh of relief. ”Yes. Sure.”

He offered to pay, but Zombieman insisted on paying for them both.

”Almost sounds like you took me out on a date,” Beauto joked as they left. Zombieman was walking normally again, now. It was good to see.

He chuckled. ”Me, ask Sweet Mask out on a date? As if I’d dare.”

”Well. It wasn’t… it wasn’t terrible.”

”Really? In that case, it was a carefully planned date, carried out to perfection.”

Despite himself, Beauto laughed. Somehow, he felt lighter than before. ”Fine. It’s a date. Under one condition.”

”What’s that?”

”Next time, you let me pay.”

The red eyes sparkled, looking more alive than he’d ever seen them.

”Deal.”

[lexpressobean]

Thoughts on Kikaichu as actual Parasites.

Knowing how skin and the body generally works on a medical level, the "hive" aspect of the Aburame clan really drives me crazy. 'Cause parasites are real, obviously, but the size of Kikaichu beetles makes absolutely no sense in comparison to irl skin parasites. At least not in a bee hive sort of way lol

rambling because my mind craves logic and I'm specializing as a wound care nurse but it's literally anime so what do I expect lol

No, wounds don't freak me out, I'm more terrified of generally handling vomit and babies than I am a dehiscence of a 15cm long surgical site lol. The human body can literally take so much abuse before it really starts to give and try to alert you that you need help! And once you give it help, it really can come full circle to the wound 100% looking like it was never there. The body is an amazing thing <3

However the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "parasite" is always going to be "tapeworm". That's not gonna change. However, kikaichu are not worms and CERTAINLY don't grow that fucking huge or live that long. (A tape worm can live long enough to graduate with a fucking PhD. Can you believe?) I haven't been exposed to any urgent situations involving parasites yet, however, the one I would compare a Kikaichu to that is (unfortunately) also common is the scabies mite.

Very briefly, scabies mites (Sarcoptes scabiei) are technically a type of arachnid that grow no bigger than a bout 0.5mm in size, but CAN be seen with the naked eye if you're looking for them. They crawl around the skin and burrow specifically in the top layer of skin, called the epidermis. The epidermis is that protective layer of skin and can be between 0.5mm to 1.5mm thick depending on which part of the body you're looking at. After the epidermis, you have the dermal layer, which is where sweat glands, nerves, and capillaries are found. Scabie mites will not burrow that deep because they only burrow to lay their eggs and such. As they do this they can cause visible tunnels and other marks that can be mistaken for acne or other skin conditions if not properly identified. You'll most likely know because the itch is VERY BAD.

They're very easily spread by close contact and a scabies infestation needs to be treated with a prescribed pharmacological means.

However, kikaichu are definitely a lot bigger than 0.5mm. In the case of size, I would compare them at minimum to fruitflies/medflies, which grow up to 3-5mm and maximum to ladybugs 4-7mm.

3-7mm > 0.5-1.5mm... obviously. And the holes which Kikaichu swarm out of that the audience has seen before are about a size comparable Shino's nostrils, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

You're telling me those things were in his mouth?????????? S H I N O N O

That would mean, in realistic terms, the Kikaichu are fucking around in Shino's body to the bone and muscles and THAT'S A REALLY SCARY THOUGHT. Even just passing the epidermis to the dermis is alarming! Compared to the dry, protective epidermis that can and does take damage, the dermis can be 1-4mm thick depending on where you're looking and is where skin does it's business. All together that becomes 0.5-5.5mm of space BARELY big enough for a fruit fly do mess around in. It makes just enough sense in terms of THAT size, but last time I checked, having the skin penetrated to the dermal layer is just asking for infection to happen. You're first natural line of defense has been breeched, there's a pretty good chance you're gonna be bleeding (blood vessels) and general body fluids are going to be draining, which is bad for a multitude of reasons, and there's damage that gonna affect the nerves, and realistically this shit is going to be ABSOLUTELY painful if they're constantly manipulating those areas near nerves. These kinda of things CAN make new connections and things like that, sometimes damage is forever. (Case by case basis).

So my first thought to more or less "magically" solve the problem with anime logic, is that first of all, it's an anime and logic doesn't have to apply haha.

On a more sci-fi level, in which kikaichu are smaller than we've seen them shown, maybe they have been purposefully been allowed to burrow into the dermal layer of the skin at least because the blood vessels seem to be in direct contact with the chakra system. Kikaichu's prefered food is chakra, but they WILL mutiny and eat their respective Aburame from the inside out if they don't balance their chakra smartly. So it's safe to say Kikaichu are at least carnivorous as well, and so I only imagine these absolute nightmares would swarm their prey in the wild, and actively bite through and burrow into the body of the prey until they found the chakra system and went to town on that poor unfortunate soul. Eaten alive, how the hell did they "tame" them in the first friggin' place??

I like to think two things:

1) Kikaichu are passed down from parent to child, and the parent has control over the Kikaichu until they have been RIGOROUSLY trained for generations to comprehend that this baby/child isn't food, it's a new hive. If bees can comprehend time, Kikaichu can comprehend what an Aburame is. If they insist on trying to drain the babe or the babe just can't tolerate them, the parent takes the Kikaichu back and the babe is assigned another insect or position in general. Like hell they're gonna try to force a relationship like that.

2) As part of the successful symbiotic relationship, Kikaichu regularly debride the tunnels and borrows that they carve into their respective Aburame, and are naturally intuitive in avoiding as many nerves and blood vessels as possible. The chance of infection is never 0%, however, kikaichu are pretty good about taking care of their tunnels, and so it gives the Aburame more time to focus on their things, like increasing the amount if chakra in their system. To ensure that they stay healthy, Aburame are encouraged to eat as much protein and Vit C possible every day, whether it be meat, beans, lentils, eggs, oranges, tomatoes, or even supplements as times modernize. The dermis is living tissue and as long as debridement/tunneling is going on, it needs to be nourished as much as possible.

I don't know how the hell Aburame deal with the obvious drainage that would be coming from their bodies, assuming the dermal layer really is free game for the Kikaichu. But the magical solution is that... they don't? Because... drainage is minimal. The Kikaichu just do such a good job lol. Maybe they purposefully... carve entrances to be flappy, or they purposefully create pocket spaces underneath seemingly healed areas of skin to easily burst open when necessary. That's the biggest thing for me, leaking body fluids. There's no way around that shit besides straight up denial lol Maybe they wear a special kind of dressing underneath their clothes, or that's directly applied with their clothes. Maybe that's what that cute little backpack is filled with, who knows!!

Idk man. I'm sure the Aburame authority forces encourages many of their non-hive members to pursue medical nin training in order to give the clan more privacy in general too. All medics that claim the Aburame name are exclusively used by the Aburame Clan. A non-Aburame medic may end up healing tunnels and burrows that were meant to stay open because "oops" and now you have an X amount of insects possibly suffocating within a completely sealed pocket of the skin, and also now there's a very good chance that after those insects die, that whole area is gonna frickin' abscess and cause infection induced tunnels the longer it's left alone and GROSS THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! THERE IS A DELICATE, ORGANIZED, SELF-SUFFICENT PROCESS TO ALL THIS!! A PROCESS!!!

Like... the other ninja in the NartVerse can make as many jokes, jabs, and comments about the Aburame as they please (INO? BITCH??? but to be honest I still love her lol). But these MFers are constantly playing Russian Roulette with these high maintenance demon spawn from hell, and there are VERY little defences against Kikaichu, virtually none. Like the only thing I've ever seen actively thwart Kikaichu across all media is killing them with mass fire, countering them with large amounts of poison gas (both very exterminator like) or literally just feeding them chakra until they're so stupid full, they can't move, the little gluttons. As far as genjutsu, it's been stated that it's both effective and ineffective, so idk about that. But the Aburame are just SO set up to be the living breathing embodiment of Shinobi as defined by the NartVerse. They're whole clan culture relies on the threat of enemies. If they have no enemies, the whole relationship is an exhausting endeavor for literally no reason. It's not worth it if there's no one to fight or protect! But when there is a threat, you want them on YOUR side.

I suppose the best bet is to incapacitate the Aburame individual asap and the Kikaichu will tend the individual, making escape easier. But, if you DID manage to kill that Aburame right away, that particular Aburame's swarm is now suddenly without its food source and without restraint.

What do you THINK is gonna happen, bro?? The second an Aburame loses their grip on their consciousness due to external influences, the bugs go bonkers because I'm pretty sure Kikaichu are simply persuaded to be in this relationship and have NO tolerance for bullshit like alcohol and overheating temps. If their Aburame dies, they probably cause just as much chaos as they would as a wild, unattended swarm. Then YOU BETTER HAVE fire or poison gas or SOMETHING handy. The only way to calm them down is to offer them chakra and a new host with equal or even more chakra reserves. Otherwise the mutineers must be eradicated.

And for serious... Like, any deeper and the kikaichu would be in the hypodermal/subcutaneous layer of the skin and that's where a lot of connective tissue is located. Let's NOT mess with that shit, shall we? NOT a good idea. It's called connective tissue for a reason first and foremost...

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 12 - A Little Death

Masterlist; Chapter 11

Summary: You have to help Neil get back onto his feet after the tragic news. The lack of control and overwhelming grief lead to a few revelations...

Warnings: This is quite angsty still despite mentions of comfort; excessive drinking; self-harm (only implied); swearing

Author’s Notes: Okay so the length of this is beyond me and I’m sorry. This takes place just before Neil’s departure to Mumbai, film-wise. I really hope you’ll enjoy and please let me know what you think!

P.S. The referenced song is ‘A Little Death’ by The Neighbourhood 

You did not check how long you were sat like that on the floor, cradling Neil and letting him cry and shake as though those were the only things he was capable of. Later you realised it was probably close to two hours as by the time you got up, it was nearly evening. But for those two hours, you just let him take his time. He did not speak, and you only occasionally whispered words of reassurance into his ear. You kept on drawing soothing circles into the skin of his back. After the first half-hour, you found a much-needed package of tissues and placed them in his lap. Despite his silence, you knew that your presence meant everything. And so you stayed, ignoring the rumbling in your stomach and tiredness. For the most part, you also ignored your own tears, fully aware that this was not about you, nor it should be.

Neil’s heart-wrenching sobs stopped after those two hours and were replaced with small gasps as though he was struggling for air. That is when you knew that the breakdown was past its culmination point. Slowly, you shifted so that you could look at him and gently tipped his chin. His eyes were puffy and red. The heart-breaking look he gave you was enough to nearly tip you off the edge. But you had to be strong. So you just took a deep breath and broke the silence:

“Don’t say you’re sorry for this because that’s the least I could have done for you” he nodded hesitantly upon seeing your determined gaze “I’m here for you, and I won’t make you talk about anything but sometimes it helps” you kissed him on the forehead.

When you met his gaze afterwards, you were struck by the admiration you saw there. He smiled at you slightly as though trying to convey something difficult to be expressed otherwise. You smiled back and took his hand in yours, giving it a comforting squeeze. After another beat, you got up and filled a glass of water for him. You knew well enough how something so simple is needed after crying for so long. You watched as he emptied the whole glass, placed it on the side, and took a deep breath. Then he spoke for the first time in two hours.

“I… I know that this isn’t what you’re used to from me” he shrugged helplessly.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re still someone I care about deeply” for a second you wondered why you felt like you wanted to say more.

But now was definitely not the time. So, instead, you added:

“Tell me what happened? If you’re ready, of course” you took his hand back and smiled when he entwined your fingers on reflex.

“When we arrived, he…” Neil swallowed hard “TP called us to his office and started explaining the next steps in the operation. He mentioned the bloody Mumbai and how I’m needed there tomorrow” he clenched his jaw, and you felt the tension rise.

You placed your free hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. Then you let your hand linger on the side of his neck. He sighed at your touch before resuming the story:

“Then he asked Ives to leave, and we talked a bit about everything… It was like the old days, you know” his brow furrowed “He mentioned how I’m probably his greatest friend in the whole world… How I helped him make Tenet into what it is now and how that wouldn’t be possible without my contribution” he exhaled shakily “We even talked about you” he glanced up and met your surprised look “Just about how it was seemingly fate that brought us together and how you fit in so well here, just taking everything in your stride” you smiled at the words shyly.

Even though it hurt you to know that he was not allowed the truth about your hiring. But maybe that was for the better, you mused.

“We talked like that for over an hour before he started acting strange… The things he said…” he seemed to gather words “It didn’t make much sense, but now I think I should’ve realised that he was…” he shuddered slightly “That it was supposed to be a goodbye” you saw the tears in his eyes again and shifted so that he could rest his forehead on your shoulder.

“Don’t blame yourself for not predicting what will happen. There’s no point in that” you leaned against the foot of the bed behind to be more comfortable.

“Maybe… But I felt something was wrong, so an hour after I left his quarters, I went back in” you tightened the hold on his hand, feeling the moment approach “The door was unlocked and he… he was just sat there” Neil brought his head up to look at you with teary eyes “I thought that he was fine but then… there was no pulse, and he wasn’t breathing” you felt him become breathless and gently urged him to slow down.

When he stopped hyperventilating, you let him lean on your shoulder again.

“He died alone… and I couldn’t do anything about it” you were not sure if you preferred the dejected tone or the former sobs “I was supposed to be his best friend, his partner”

“I think that he didn’t want to hurt you even more by making you watch it happen” you suggested, trying to make sense of the situation.

After the earlier text and what Neil told you begun to understand that TP intended to do it. To end his life. You just had to find a reason why.

“But I don’t understand why he did it” Neil’s voice broke through your contemplation “There was no reason to… He said himself that the plan is going well” you could hear anger creeping into his voice.

“I know… But maybe there was a reason…” you trailed off.

Neil watched you sharply, and you felt like if you said something wrong, you could risk losing him again. You had to tread softly.

“You once said that he never did things without reasons” you stumbled over the tense and frowned “And that’s the same feeling I got when I talked with him… Maybe he had to do that to avoid clashing with his former self in any way” you glanced at Neil to gauge his expression.

He was staring ahead into space with a serious look in his eyes, considering what you said.

“Is like… they mentioned during training that it would be bad if we ever came in contact with our other selves, inverted and so on” you kept on rambling, hoping it was helping somehow “So maybe he was afraid that his existence now would coincide with his younger self out there”

“There must have been better ways of dealing with that” you could tell that he was angry.

At himself. At TP. At the universe. And there was nothing you could do.

“Maybe that was all that he could think of”

You watched helplessly as he turned away from you, suddenly overcome with the emotions. You urged yourself to calm down. Maybe now was a good moment to mention the text…?

“I… I got a text message from him actually… as I was getting here in the cab” you took out your phone and gingerly offered it to him.

Neil took it without question and read over the recent message. Then you saw his eyes dart to other text conversations. But you did not mind. There was nothing to hide. He handed you back the phone without a further word. Then he got up and wandered over to one of the side cabinets.

Now that was concerning.

“Neil?” you scrambled after him and watched in horror as he hastily threw the cabinet contents onto the floor.

Finally, he found a whisky bottle hidden in the back and took a triumphant swing out of it. That sight made you shake off any paralysis you fell into. You crossed the room and snatched the bottle from him. The dark look he gave you was somewhat terrifying. He took a step closer as you took one back. Then he met your gaze challengingly as though doubting your ability to deny him anything. But this time, you were not going to give in. You shook your head and extended the gap.

“It helps with the pain” Neil shrugged helplessly.

“I know, but I think you’ve had enough for today” you gestured towards the empty bottles on the floor.

Thinking fast, you decided to act. You took out your phone and summoned Ives, asking him to come by Neil’s room in a moment. He responded instantly, evidently waiting on the news. Once that was dealt with, you went on to pick up the reminders of Neil’s state. When he saw you do that, you heard him speak:

“If you’re going to take away all the alcohol, then at least leave me the empty bottles” you turned to see an unfamiliar cynical smile “The glass might come handy” the emptiness in his eyes made the delivery worse.

You could only stare, processing the words. Suddenly everything felt too overwhelming.

“Neil…”

You stared at him pleadingly, hoping that maybe the look of panic in your eyes will help him realise what he said. You did not dare breathe until he somehow denied your worst anxieties about the situation. You watched as his face fell, then he covered it with his hands and breathed out a long exhale.

“Fuck. I’m sorry…” he stared at the floor “I didn’t mean it” he looked up at you remorsefully “I don’t know why I said that…”

“It’s okay. Just don’t ever scare me like that again” you gave him a weary smile.

Before you could say anything more, a knock on the door interrupted you. At Neil’s quizzical stare, you answered:

“Ives. I’ve asked him to come” you moved to the door, clutching all the bottles in your arms “Give me a second. And please don’t do anything stupid” you gave him a final warning look before you exited into the corridor.

Ives waited there with a worried expression on his face that seemed fixed at this point.

“Is he alright?” he asked, glancing at the door you closed.

You shuddered, thinking about the situation you just dealt with. But he need not know all that.

“He will be. For now, though…” you placed all the bottles of alcohol in his arms “Take these please and maybe get us a little something to eat from the kitchen… and tea” you tried to gather your thoughts.

“Okay” he nodded “If you need anything else, let me know”

“Thanks” you sighed, feeling the tiredness slowly descent upon your whole body.

But there was no time for that. Not yet.

“I’ll stay with him tonight” for once, Ives did not tease you about it, and you were grateful.

“His plane is at 3 pm tomorrow. Do you think that’s manageable?” he looked sceptical.

“It has to be” you smiled as Ives squeezed your shoulder reassuringly “I better go back to him. Just leave the food outside and knock on the door, please. Think it’s best if he doesn’t see anyone else tonight”

“Of course”

Without further word, you entered the room again and locked the door behind you. Neil was sat on the bed, anxiously picking at the skin around his fingernails. His hair was falling in his eyes, and he was staring at his lap, looking incredibly lost. It hurt you to see him like this. Ignoring the growing ache in your chest, you approached him slowly.

“I asked Ives to get us some food and tea because I think we both could do with that” you attempted a smile when he looked up “But before it arrives, you could shower and get changed… that could help a little”

You stood near enough to reach out and brush your fingers over his cheek tenderly. He seemed to consider your words for a moment before he leaned into your palm.

“Okay, I’ll try” you saw him hesitate before adding, “Thank you for putting up with this”

“Of course, that’s what friends are for” for some reason, the word felt wrong. And he noticed that too as you saw a small frown appear before he smiled at you and left for the bathroom.

When you heard him put the shower on, you started cleaning the room. You put away the pages that landed on the floor and made the bed. While you were smoothing the covers, your brain came up with a rather intrusive thought about how there you were, alone with Neil in his room. Again. And how that really did not fit in with the friendship story you desperately clung to. Because it was rather obvious that you would end up sharing the bed again. That was not something friends did this frequently. You did your best to shut that voice, but you could not deny the facts. So you just sighed and waited patiently for Neil to remerge.

Food arrived before he showed up, so you just set the coffee table. Once you were done, you heard the bathroom door creak. You turned to look at him and were taken aback by the casualness of his get-up. For the first time since you have met, he was not wearing suit trousers and a shirt, and instead had loose joggers and a t-shirt on. Despite the reality of the situation you found yourself in, you could not help but stare. He caught your look with a rather sheepish expression that you did not expect.

Interesting… But there was no time to dwell on it, so you just invited him to the table and encouraged him to have something from the selection Ives got you. Sometimes you would anxiously glance at him to see whether his mood has not changed for worse again. But he seemed fine; quiet and sombre but there with you, physically and mentally. And that was what mattered for the moment. So after you ate, you suggested settling in bed to rest. Neil agreed to that without any objections, giving you hope that maybe he was past his worst point.

After the initial awkwardness of the situation wore off, and you both relaxed onto the pillows, you asked:

“Should we put the tv on? Just have some music on or something…” you searched his eyes, trying not to get too conscious of the moment.

While this was certainly not the first time for you to casually share a bed, this time it somehow felt different. But you blamed that on the rollercoaster of emotions you both went through in the recent days.

“Yeah sure” Neil nodded and sent you a small smile.

This silent version of him was strange to get used to. It felt like he was holding back from you, and you were not sure whether you liked that. But there was nothing you could do apart from giving him unlimited space and time for expression should he need it. So, to provide a distraction, you put on the tv and quickly found a suitable music channel that was not blasting annoying pop songs. Silence fell on you again, as you let the music help you relax. You were not even paying attention to the exact songs played.

‘Make me feel like I am breathing Feel like I am human’

That is until you felt Neil shift, and you glanced in his direction only to meet his intense stare. The blue eyes were fixed on you with a hazy tint on the pupils. Before you could ask him anything, he moved closer. You were struck by the look of intoxication on his face. Somehow you knew that it was not due to alcohol. You felt slightly paralysed by the multitude of feelings that came then. Neil ended his scrutiny of your face to ask:

“Can I kiss you?” his voice was huskier than usual.

‘Touch me, yeah I want you to touch me there’

“Neil...” his name usually came quite handy in those speechless moments.

There were millions of reasons why you should not let him, but the look on his face and what he said next started breaking down the resolve.

“I know” he was looking at you with something close to pleading “I know this won’t fix anything, but if for at least a few seconds I can forget about this mess... then please give me that”

‘She sought death on a queen-sized bed And he had said, "Darling, your looks can kill, So now you're dead.’

He was close now. So close that all you had to do was lean in and kiss him softly. He sighed at the contact, and you brushed away the damp hair from his eyes. Then he deepened the kiss, pulling you closer with his hands on your waist. You were too lost in the moment to stop him when he urged you to lie down on the covers. Feeling your heart pound in your chest, you continued the kiss as he hovered over your body. His hands wandered until you felt him slide them underneath the fabric of your shirt. The warm, sudden touch on your bare skin acted as a warning. You gasped and broke the kiss, but not before he managed to bite on your lower lip, drawing blood. The desperate whine he let out made you open your eyes in a flash. The darkness of his eyes made you realise how close it got to the point of no return. That was enough to help you shake off the daze.

“Please, not like this” you pushed him away gently.

Your cheeks were burning as you came to realise what nearly happened. But once you met Neil’s gaze again, you could tell that he was still not quite aware of the reality. The passionate look in his eyes was replaced with something akin to begging.

“I just want to get lost in you” he murmured, still keeping his hands on the bare skin of your waist.

He ran his fingers along your sides, and you shivered. Inhaling slowly, you tried to calm down. Normally his words would have made you throw caution to the wind. But something like that could be disastrous right now.

“I don’t want it to happen like that” you pushed him off you completely and sat up, suddenly unable to look him in the eye.

“But you want it?” the hopeful tone made your insides flutter with thousands of anxious butterflies.

Fuck… Of course, he wouldn’t let it go easily.

“Ask me again when we’re both better” you hoped that you sounded surer than you felt.

You touched the split lip and wiped away the blood droplet with your thumb. That moment must have awakened something in Neil, as suddenly you heard him inhale sharply before he blurted:

“God, I’m so sorry” you looked up to see him staring at you in terror “I don’t know what overcame me… It’s not that I didn’t want to…” he was clearly struggling with whatever he wanted to say.

“It’s okay. I won’t hold you accountable for whatever happened… or almost happened” you gave him your most convincing smile despite feeling more confused than ever.

“But I… I want you to know I didn’t do that only because I’ve lost control” that was enough for you.

“Neil, it’s fine” you interrupted him “You don’t have to explain. It doesn’t matter” you forced another smile onto your face, praying he will drop the topic.

You could not even explain why it hurt so much. Maybe because you worried it was just him losing control? And that if there was someone else with him in your place, it would have happened anyway? But it felt selfish to have those thoughts after everything that happened, so you just tried to rake your brain for some other distraction. Somehow, this moment felt right to breach a topic that has been on your mind for the past few hours. Slowly, you turned to face Neil, who was evidently still pondering the situation while staring at the tv screen unseeingly. 

“Neil…” he turned to you the instant you said his name “Before I came here, Ives told me about Alex…”

The moment you mentioned the name, you could see a plethora of emotions flash in Neil’s eyes. There was shock, sadness, and worry, among others. He visibly tensed and tried to school his features before responding.

“I- I would’ve told you” he was desperately searching for the right words “There just wasn’t a good moment, and I didn’t know if you…”

“No, no. Stop right there” you interrupted him, worried by the rambling “I didn’t mention that because I want an explanation or because it hurt me in any way” you met his gaze steadily “I only wanted you to know that I’ve been told. And that if you ever wanted to talk about it, I’m here” you tried your best to convey the support and love (?) into the long look you gave him.

“But… is-is this okay? Are you okay with that?” the doubt and genuine worry in his eyes made your heart clench painfully.

You wanted to hurt whoever made him question things like that.

“Of course it’s okay. You loved and lost him, and that’s the only thing I care about” tentatively, you reached out to take his hand again “It’s a vital part of your story, and I want to know you better” you smiled, seeing him relax slightly.

“Thank you… I’ll tell you one day, I promise” he brushed his thumb along your knuckles “But I think he’d like you”

You were not expecting that.

“Yeah?” you blushed slightly, suddenly flustered.

“He used to call me out on my bullshit too… and never fell for my charm too easily” he smiled fondly.

You liked the way pleasant memories seemed to light up his whole face.

“I can see some similarities then” you grinned shyly “To be fair, you need someone to keep you from getting too cocky” experimentally, you reached out to ruffle his hair.

If his blissful smile and the way he leaned into your touch were anything to go by, he did enjoy the gesture.

“I’m not sure I deserve you” he opened his eyes and looked at you with some kind of new emotion.

But before you could find any ways of answering that, he yawned. Once, then twice. The tiredness was finally catching up with him.

“Think you should try to get some sleep” upon his silent question, you added, “I’ll stay in case you need me”

For a second you wanted to offer that you will take the sofa, but somehow you knew that was not what he would have wanted. And neither did you if you were to be honest with yourself. So you just watched as he hesitantly started shifting on the bed, trying to find the most comfortable position. You switched off the forgotten tv and the lights and slowly laid down on the pillow. In the quiet, you could hear his shallow breaths. One look in his direction was enough to help you decide. You moved closer, closing the safety gap, and carefully placed your arm on his waist. After a beat, you curled up around him, with your head resting on his shoulder.

“Is this okay?” you asked, following the tense silence.

“Yeah… It’s just that I really don’t think I deserve any of this” you could hear the apprehension creeping back into his voice.

“You deserve much more” you pressed a small kiss to his neck “But let’s start with this. Good night, Neil”

“Good night…” he hesitated but then just exhaled, letting you hug him closer to your body.

*** The peace lasted only for the first two hours. After that, you were awoken by Neil tossing nervously. Before you could properly come to your senses, he let out a few soft whimpers. Shit. You shifted so that you were hovering over him and took a long look. His brow was furrowed, jaw clenched, and he was incredibly tense. Whatever nightmare he was having, it was escalating quickly. The next thing you knew, tears were falling down his cheeks, and he was mumbling something, sounding distressed. That was enough. You cupped his cheek, as softly as you could, and leaned in close:

“It’s just a dream” you kissed him on the forehead “Wake up love” you were not sure where the endearment came from.

You leaned back to see his eyes open in a blink. His gaze was unfocused, evidently still lost in the nightmarish world. Using the hand that was cupping his face, you brushed the stray hair away from his eyes. His breaths were fast yet shallow. Knowing the experience well, you immediately kicked into action.

“Neil, listen to me” you waited until his eyes locked with yours “It was just a dream. It’s all okay now” you placed your hand on his chest over the heart “You need to calm down”

“I can’t breathe” he choked out and sat up suddenly, nearly knocking you in the head.

“You’re panicking” you shifted so you could be sat in front of him.

The fact that you nearly climbed into his lap in the process had to be ignored for the time being. You took his hand in yours and placed it in the middle of your chest so he could feel the rising and falling with every breath you took. With your other hand, you tilted his chin so that he was forced to meet your gaze. His pupils were darkened by panic and adrenaline.

“Follow my breath” you made him match your breathing for a few cycles.

Once you heard his inhales and exhales elongate and level off, you let go of the hand you kept pressed to your chest. He kept it there for a moment longer, as though making sure you were really in front of him.

“I’m sorry” the heartbroken and tired look he gave you was enough to make your heart ache “You really shouldn’t have to deal with this mess”

“It was my conscious choice, and I would never leave you alone after something like this” you leaned in closer and pressed a small kiss to the corner of his mouth “Now, let’s try going back to sleep, shall we?”

This time he was holding on to you as though you were the only constant thing. With his arms around you and the warmth of his body, you could almost forget about the mess you both had to face in the morning. Before drifting off to sleep, you pondered his words again. More and more, you were sure that he got it the wrong way around. It was you who did not deserve someone like him. And you were afraid he would soon realise as much once the initial crush (or whatever it was) passed. But for now, you allowed yourself peace as you relaxed into his embrace and buried your face in his chest. If by some accident, the universe decided to be on your side, you would not complain.

*** In the morning, you were both awakened by Ives calling to make sure both of you were alive and awake. You had to blame the awkwardness that followed it on that very phone call. You only managed to shake it off when you sat down to the breakfast you brought from the canteen. You passed Neil coffee in silence, cursing your inability to hold a conversation after everything. But this time, he had some solutions. As your fingers brushed, he set down the coffee cup on the table and turned to you:

“I’m sorry about everything that I did and said yesterday” he glanced at your split lip “I wasn’t in control... and I don’t want you to be scared. I’d never do anything like that normally” he shifted nervously.

You knew an apology was coming, especially after seeing the way he looked at you ever since waking up. And while, admittedly, his behaviour worried you, you did not dare to think about how your ‘almost’ made you feel.

“I know, and I won’t judge you on how you acted last night” you put on your best smile, hoping to end the topic as quickly as possible.

But it was not meant to be as he clearly thought hard on what to say next. All you could do was wait and listen.

“I know that I crossed some lines” finally, he found the right words “And while I can’t deny that I was acting on my genuine desires…” he searched your eyes to make sure you understood “I won’t do that again because I respect your wishes to keep this strictly friendly”

Was this your imagination, or did he sound like he did not want to say that? If you were honest with yourself, that was not something you wanted to hear either. But now was most definitely not the time, so you just reached out to squeeze his knee reassuringly.

“Thank you, and don’t worry about it. We’re all good” he covered your hand with his and mirrored your smile.

Maybe all this confusion was worth it? After a short beat, you took your hand away and went back to breakfast. The silence was still there, but at least it was less awkward now. When you noticed him frown at the headache that was undoubtedly bothering him, you passed a painkiller. He smiled gratefully.

“So… when is my plane?” he asked after you both cleared the plates.

You could tell that he was dreading the trip. And it hurt to know that there was no way for you to help him.

“3 o’clock” you glanced at the watch “Which gives us about five hours to get you ready” you took in his sombre expression.

“I really don’t want to go” he met your gaze with emotionless eyes “It’s so fucking cruel to have me assist whoever the fuck that guy is when my best friend just killed himself. And I don’t even know why” the anger and hurt in his voice were somehow worse today.

Maybe it was because you could not blame it on his intoxication anymore.

“I know… And wish I had any answers, but I don’t know more than you do” you could only give him an apologetic half-smile “But I know that you have to be there to help… him”

Calling the younger version TP seemed somehow wrong. And you could only imagine how it must feel for Neil, on the eve of meeting that different version of his partner. 

“He won’t even know who I am” there was a broken edge to his voice “How am I supposed to meet him and act as though he’s a stranger?”

“Alright, walk me through what you’ve been told, and I’ll try to help as best as I can”

“Sure you wouldn’t rather go back to sleep?” he eyed you sceptically “You must be tired, and it’s all my fault”

“Neil, stop” you have had enough of the self-depreciation “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m here for you” you took his hand in yours “And I wouldn’t rest anyway without knowing you’re well. So let’s go through the plan and then I’ll help you pack”

He only gaped at you with a dazed expression on his face. You wondered how someone so incredible could ever doubt their importance so much.

*** Surprisingly you managed to get Neil ready in time for the taxi departure. Together you planned the mission, made sure he had all the necessary information and contacts and was as mentally well as he could be after everything. When the time was near, Ives knocked on his door. This time, Neil let him in. You watched as the two men embraced tightly, sharing the trauma and sadness. Ives then took a step back and eyed Neil coolly.

“You did a good job” he flashed you a smile “He looks much better than I expected”

“Would you mind?” Neil looked at you nervously, and you laughed at the brief moment of lightness.

“Must say it wasn’t easy, but I did my best” to prove a point, you wandered over to Neil and smoothed his suit jacket.

After disagreeing over the wardrobe choices you managed to convince him to take a few linen suits and shirts for the warm weather in India. Now you were proud you succeeded. To be fair he looked good in anything, but there was something more intimate in the fact that you chose his outfits. But once again, you were brought to the present moment by Ives clearing his throat:

“The taxi is leaving in half-hour. I’ll leave you two now” he gave you a knowing smile and exited the room before you could roll your eyes at him.

Realising you still had your hand on Neil’s shoulder, you took a step back. He was watching you attentively with a small smile on his face. That probably explained Ives’ allusions…

“I won’t ask if you’re ready but… are you okay?” you met his gaze.

“As much as I can be, I suppose” he shrugged dejectedly “I really wish I could stay with you instead”

You saw his hand twitch at his side and decided to choose for him by taking it into yours, naturally entwining your fingers.

“Unfortunately, this time we can’t decide for ourselves. But remember that you can call me if you need help or just to talk. Don’t worry about the time zones, I’ll always pick up” you tried your best to show how you felt through the expression in your eyes.

But that was a dangerous game as soon enough you got lost in the blue of his eyes. As always.

“Thank you” he breathed out, looking at you with such tenderness that almost made you feel faint “Still don’t think I deserve you though” he grinned shyly.

“Oh you do, and I’ll keep on saying that till you believe it” you raised your joined hands to your lips and kissed his knuckles “While I enjoy this slightly subdued version of you…”

“What?” his affronted face made you laugh.

“You know very well what I meant” you smirked and let go of his hand, only to pull him in for an embrace.

It took him only a second to hug you back, with his arms wound tightly around your waist.

“You said we should hug more often so” you whispered into his ear and enjoyed the laugh it prompted “Hope this is good enough for you” you ran a hand down his back.

Then, upon a sudden thought, you pushed your hands underneath his suit jacket and splayed them on his back, relishing the feel of his skin through the shirt fabric. The only indication that he felt the difference was a sharp gasp he let out as he drew you even closer.

“More than that” he kissed the top of your head.

After at least two minutes more, you took a step back but still kept your hands on his waist.

“Please be safe out there. Don’t do anything stupid. And…” you shut his mouth with a hand upon seeing him protest “And don’t get too drunk before the meeting. I know that it will be hard, but that could only make you more likely to fuck up”

Before you could take your palm away, he placed a peck on your wrist, near the pulse point. The voice in the back of your head kept screaming about how this definitely was not something friends do. But you told it to kindly fuck off. At least for now.

“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try” he flashed you a signature smile as though you could ever forget it “After all, I’m not the one to behave” proving the point, he brushed the pad of his thumb along your lower lip.

You inhaled sharply at the sensation. Looking questioningly into his eyes, you wondered whether he remembered about the earlier promise. But there was no time to find that out as sharp knocks interrupted you. It was time.

[willadisastercry]

More than ‘just a little tired’: aftermath turned aftershocks part 3

tw: discussion of sever burns and re-burning, lots of pain, also lots of heavy emotions, ptsd symptoms towards the end

Keith is in a lot of pain from just having his wounds cleaned but complications arise that make the relief of the pod that much further away. Tensions are still high and everyone’s emotions are running rampant as they are forced to watch their friend be in so much distress, their friend who never let on when he was anything other than angry, who is now crying and begging for it all to stop. Keith is desperate, his stoic facade has shattered but his body refuses to pass out and they still have to separate him from the bits of the suit that remain...

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

(( haven’t edited yet so ignore for now if it’s riddled with errors or some parts make zero sense lol, enjoy!!! ))

The infirmary was both eerily silent and brimming with commotion, nearly devoid of any conversation or background noise at all aside from muted whispers and the gentle clink of tools as the sound of Keith’s pain filled every dreadful square inch and left little space for much else.

Shrio was still perched on a stool with both hands clasped securely around the one of Keith’s that was accessible, the other hanging over the edge of the table limp and unmoving. 

The older boy spoke calm reassurances to him in a low voice, the sentiments themselves not so much soothing as the steady cadence of them were.

It was clear he was still suppressing every wince and grimace though his resolve to remain unbothered seemed to be weakening as he fatigued further. And so Shiro’s gentle tenor worked to ground him as his wherewithal plummeted, the neutral pressure on his hand giving him something else to focus on and keep him from panicking while he lay somewhat paralyzed.

He hadn’t moved much as they cleaned his back up after they gave him the muscle relaxant, not that he could if we wanted to, not when his whole body felt about as solid as jello. The only movements possible were occasional reflexive twitches or sudden bursts of shuddering breaths that had whoever was poking his back pause to give him a minute to steady himself.

That was until the team had separated him from as much of the under-suit as they could with just tweezers and saline... because about 30% of what they’d sectioned off around each wound was still attached and not coming free no matter how hard they pulled or however much saline they poured.

It was then with everything cleaned away that they saw how severe it was, how little of the blur of soot around each blast could actually be cleaned away because it wasn’t his skin that was charred, it was the suit itself.

They couldn’t fix that with tweezers but they had to remove the melted material so the pod didn’t heal around it somehow.

Keith’s attention was admittedly elsewhere when the disorienting haze of pain granted him a few moments of clarity once he realized the only hands still touching him were Shiro’s.

It took him a while, but he was able to cut through the fog enough to vaguely tune in to what was going on around him. He has missed the beginning of the conversation that Shiro was having but it wasn’t hard to piece together what was happening.

“The process should be relatively seemless if I use this—“ Coran noted grimly as he presented Shiro with a scalpel that had a cord attached to the end of it “—the scarring will already be minimal given the pod’s capabilities and the fact that these are mostly second degree, but in order to remove the bits that remain I must burn number four again to sever what joins his flesh to the undersuit...”

Shiro had figured as much and so had Keith.

Well no, his addled brain hadn’t figured much of anything coherent in a while, he just wasn’t surprised to hear that it was the only solution.

Keith wouldn’t consider himself as handy as Hunk or Pidge but he knew his way around tools from having a bike and living on his own for so long. And he couldn’t come up with anything else on hand other than a hot knife that would do that kind of job either.

He also didn’t really care how they did anything anymore. He didn’t have the energy to when all he wanted was for this to be over.

Exhaustion seeped into his bones like radiation, clogging the channels in his marrow where his blood should flow and making his entire body feel so very heavy. It was the kind of weight that lulled you into a deep sleep, yet Keith remained awake, his nerves fried and his mind wired.

Shiro sighed, bowing his head to catch Keith’s pleading eyes one last time before nodding, giving Coran the go ahead.

It’s not that Coran was hiding the tool from the other paladins or what it did, that much was sort of obvious. It’s just that the question didn’t concern them, the decision wasn’t theirs to make. Shiro was their unofficial health proxy now that they were in space and called these kind of shots for all of them, but that was especially true for Keith since he’d already sort of been doing so back at the garrison before Kerberos.

The paladins were of course privy to deciding what happened to their own bodies regarding altean remedies or lesser pod stays since some of the options are pretty out there and if they aren’t absolutely necessary, then they aren’t mandated. But all decisions were passed by Shiro who ensured that their younger counterparts were entirely clear on what they were or were not agreeing to before Coran or Allura did anything, given the situation allotted time to take such measures.

This is one of the rare instances where Shiro had little choice in how to handle the matter. There was only one option and Keith would continue to suffer if he wasted time worrying about what none of them could control.

And it wasn’t even that he was too out of it to know what this meant and be able to deliver the green light himself, the fear on his face when Coran said ‘burn’ was more than apparent. But the kid was so goddamned rational about things no one his age should be able to rationalize that it was clear he had already evaluated and come to terms with the predicament in those brief moments of hesitation before Shiro agreed.

His eyes fall closed again and Shiro thinks he can hear the screams already.

The gravity of the decision seemed to dawn on everyone else a beat later, an anticipatory silence replacing the anguished weight that hung on all of them seconds before.

Everything moved slowly for a moment, the rise of chests halted, the chitter of mice quieting while they searched the princess’s face for answers until reality crashed back down on the castleships’ inhabitants like the tidal surge of a hurricane. The green tinge on Hunk’s face deepened several shades and Allura absently slid a waste bin closer to him, her movements robotic, like she wasn’t all there anymore. Pidge’s sobs from her helpless position on the adjacent cot were almost as painful to hear as Keith’s.

The only one to contest the idea was Lance, the sheer horror of what was about to happen registering on the blue paladin’s face like it was a death sentence for his friend.

“No, that’s torture! You can’t possibly think that’s a good idea, it’s barbaric, it’s—“

“Lance, calm down.”

“I will not calm down! Don’t you see how insane this is?!”

“There’s nothing else we can do. Don’t you see where the hell we are? We’re in space. We are light years away from human healthcare, we kind of have to work with the resources that we have!”

“But there has to be another way! I don’t understand why you’re not trying to figure something else out first... haven’t you hurt him enough today, Shiro? For fuck’s sake, aren’t you supposed to be his br—“

“Do it—” Keith punches out in a harsh whisper, effectively silencing the argument “—j-just do it already.”

His voice was gravelly and weak from all the shouting, his waning energy evident in the exasperated punctuation of his words. He’s fairly sure he won’t remain conscious long enough to be truly traumatized by the a procedure and was growing more irritated the longer they delayed it.

Keith appreciated that Lance had a conscience but also knew full well that he was stuck on the agony he was emoting since he usually never emoted at all, and probably not imagining just how awful it must actually be if he was advocating that more pain be inflicted so the sweet relief of the pod came sooner.

Lucky for him, Coran seemed to grasp the concept well enough on his own.

“Alright my boy, as you wish... Allura you might want to grab something for him to bite down on.”

What remained of the upper half of his under suit lay on him in tatters, his back bare except for the front section beneath him with strips of black littered over the table and floor. There’s a square of material missing on his thigh but the rest of the bottom portion is pretty much in tact.

The wounds looked worse free of all the blood and shredded bits. Like so much worse. But Keith didn’t have to see or be told how horrible it looked, he already knew that however bad it appeared, it hurt a thousand times worse.

“I have a topical anesthetic here that should numb the surface tissue but I’m afraid I can’t make any promises about nerve pain that might go deeper... it will still hurt a great deal.”

Talking was hard. He didn’t have the energy to stay awake let alone speak, but since his body was denying him that mercy, he figured forcing himself to communicate might speed the process along.

“Kay... s’fine,” was all he managed in response, his head swimming slightly as he forced the words out.

Allura’s face came into view then, smiling with so much sadness behind it as she lowered a hand to Keith’s flushed and tear stained cheek, gently coaxing him into opening his mouth.

He was sort of confused as to why until she brought a small hand towel folded in a tight roll up to his chin. His eyes widened a bit but he hummed in understanding and parted his blood encrusted lips so she could place it between his teeth.

They hadn’t had a chance to fuss over the gash on his face with everything else they were focused on but he was also very much laying on top of it. The cut itself also didn’t appear to be giving him much of an issue, but the fact that he was resting his cheek in an ever dampening rag as it caught his blood was woefully uncomfortable, the swelling laceration under his eye endlessly agitated with every reflexive jerk.

The sight might’ve been more alarming if his back wasn’t so horrific.

Shiro searched Keith’s lidded eyes when Coran pressed a button that had the tool whirring to life with a warm orange glow before he set it aside to warm up. They were sluggish and bloodshot and slow enough in meeting his gaze that would’ve had him majorly concerned should he not already have dozens other reasons to be.

“The spray might sting a bit at first... just bear with me lad.”

Coran’s voice was pinched and level, his statements clinical and his hands deft.

He’d already gathered that Keith didn’t need things explained before they were done like Shiro who needed to feel like he was in control of his own body when being tended to, or Pidge and her unwavering need to know absolutely everything ever, or Hunk and his already debilitating anxiety regarding the unknown.

No, he was like Lance who didn’t want the details, didn’t need to know what was happening or when. In fact, he reacted worse when he knew.

Keith needed things done without preamble. It didn’t matter how much it would hurt, he just needed it to hurt before the anticipation that it was about to could consume him. And Coran would do whatever he could to ease the red paladin then, so if that meant working fast than he would work fast.

“Nngh...” Keith choked out against the towel, nearly gagging on it when his entire body jerked as soon as Coran started spraying despite the medicine running through his body to specifically lessen reactions like that. But the man didn’t slow once he started, not even for Keith’s muffled pleas.

The spray did in fact sting. It stung a lot.

His head flew back and his eyes screwed shut as he struggled to breathe through the application, jerking despite himself each time the liquid landed on his raw and burning wounds.

The cloth trapped between his clenched teeth had him sputtering on the spit in his mouth and he almost welcomed the fear that flooded his body when his throat closed to keep from inhaling it.

“I know, bud... looks like just a bit more and then hopefully some relief.”

Shiro looked so young when he was like this, the knitted worry lines on his forehead almost out of place for the age he looked then. Keith didn’t like seeing him like that, it’s what he looks like when he’s having a rough day with his ptsd, so he closed his eyes against the tears that were brimming in the corners of them and took in long, purposeful inhales while Coran finished up.

He felt it as soon as the anesthetic started working, a discernible cold partially quenching each tiny inferno that was at the center of his injuries. It didn’t do much more than place a lid on the fires, not putting anything out completely but it was something and had him sagging into the table at the small bit of respite.

“I’ll be right here the entire time, okay? Coran will try to be as quick as he can but you can do this Keith, you’re strong, I know you can do this...” Shiro rambled, his timbre still subdued and settling.

It was nonsense. It was absolute nonsense he was babbling but the older boy’s voice never wavered and the constant presence of it hung on Keith’s battered body like a warm blanket, soothing the biting chill of anticipation that spread over it before the endless waves of agony started all over again.

“It’s going to be okay, bud.”

Keith clung to his words like they were a broken board from a sinking ship, the only buoyant thing in sight that could keep him from sinking right down with it.

“It’ll be over soon...”

He felt himself physically calming the longer he spoke until suddenly his chest didn’t feel as tight.

“...and then you can rest.”

Because he believed him. He believed that Shiro wouldn’t tell him he would be okay if it wasn’t true.

“We’ll get you set up in the pod...”

And for just a second, he actually believed it would end, that it wouldn’t last forever.

“...and then you’ll start to heal...”

The breaths he took were urgent, almost greedy as he relished in the temporary peace from everything. From the pain, from his anxiety, from feeling so fucking helpless.

“...just a little longer. I promise.”

Shiro made a point not to make many promises to Keith, even if he never planned on being anything other than good on them. He knew that too many had been broken for him to trust a vow like that. The words were empty, just another tool for people he trusted to bait him with before they left.

In Keith’s experience, everyone always left.

“I am going to begin now, remember to breathe lad...”

Before Keith had been holding back most of his exclamations of pain, biting his lip or cheek and setting his jaw to swallow them back before they escaped.

He wasn’t exactly sure what it was that made that impossible now, maybe since he knew the pain would be insurmountably worse or maybe because his body was too tired to expend that kind of energy anymore, either way the only thing muffling the sounds then was the towel keeping him from biting clean through his tongue.

The way his back arched when Coran brought the scalpel down looked like it shouldn’t have been possible in his condition. Keith didn’t know it was possible either but wasn’t too focused on the logistics with how intensely his lungs were screaming as he realized he could no longer move air in or out with how shocking the pain was.

It was like he’d been electrocuted, his muscles spasming and his nerves glitching in override.

“Shit, someone help me hold him down... come on damnit, hold him still!” Shiro ordered when it was apparent that Keith was incapable of controlling his reactions as Coran kept at it with the tool.

The movements were violent and quick, more convulsions than Keith’s own will, but they happened with each slice which made it difficult for Coran to work, so Hunk and Lance repositioned themselves on either side of the table and pinned his chest down wherever was most absent of injury while Shiro kept his head still and attempted to talk him through it.

Allura wasn’t having much luck in soothing Pidge either who was hysterical with her hands clamped over her ears. The guilt she felt over being the reason Keith was now in such intense pain was overwhelming and the princess was deeply concerned that she was going to make herself sick or reopen her only somewhat mended wound.

“Huh, huhh, huh... AHGh!”

Coran ignored how his fingers were blistering from working around the red paladin’s struggles.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry...”

Apologies were pouring out of Shiro like his own blood would.

But Lance didn’t buy them. He couldn’t grasp how their infallible leader missed someone being injured this severely.

And for it to be Keith of all people.

He’d spent half of his young adult life on his own, looking out for himself, no other support. He wasn’t used to having a team to look out for him especially since the last time anyone had was when Shiro had taken him under his wing. Shiro who had pretty much promised not to give up on him only to leave for Kerberos and never come back.

And what’s worse, as if anything could get worse at this point, was that Keith genuinely hadn’t wanted their help. He would’ve insisted he was okay whether or not his injuries were known regardless, but Shiro overlooking him in the heat of the moment had only fueled his warped view on taking care of things himself. It made him think he didn’t deserve any help, like he was being selfish for even suggesting he might not be okay when Pidge was also hurt.

It wasn’t true. But Lance knew that Keith couldn’t always decipher those kinds of things, the subtle messages in tonality that other people would’ve instantly picked up as, ‘no, I don’t actually hate you’ but completely eluded him.

Because Keith was extremely literal. He was also a self sacrificial idiot. Kinda like Lance. Not the literal thing, Lance almost never spoke literally.

But Shiro knew that, he knew that Shiro knew all of that about Keith and yet here they were.

His eyes were glossy and he was livid. It didn’t make any sense. They were supposed to look out for each other. It was Shiro’s whole philosophy and here he was, a complete hypocrite.

Pidge let out a strangled hitch then that broke Lance’s focus on analyzing whatever the hell had gone down on that mission.

The guilt was raging an almost identical fire in her chest, licking at her lungs like there was lighter fluid on them and threatening the sinews that had just barely latched across the chasm in her abdomen.

Hunk wished he could cry, wished he didn’t have to be so close to the terrible mess that was his friends’ back or the sounds he was making.

He didn’t know how many more he could stand to hear. How many more times he could handle the pang of terror in his chest when one escaped the lips of either of his friends.

Anytime anyone was hurting he felt like he was too. Like he had an access pass to their pain or some wicked ability to envision exactly how it must feel. And between Keith bucking beneath his hands and the guttural groans smothered by the towel, Hunk’s stomach was flipping dangerously.

Keith’s strained huffs had turned into hysterical shouts.

“Coran,” Allura deadpanned, her voice low and deadly.

They’d started off with a sort of restraint but it hadn’t taken long for them to raise in volume. He hated it, he was too tired to be so vocal and his throat was aching, but he couldn’t help it.

If it was up to him he would’ve just relaxed and taken it. He was used to simply enduring in the moment and compartmentalizing as he went. He had no experience in allowing such real reactions, in being so vulnerable against his every will.

Taking it silently would’ve been just as painful, there was no changing that, but maybe then he wouldn’t have had to see everyone so upset.

But he couldn’t relax. And he couldn’t use his twisted reason to logic himself out of it.

“This is cruel-I can-I can ease his suffering with my powers, move aside and let me—“

“Princess.”

Coran sounded distressed, almost pained. It was the first hint of emotion he’d shown since they’d dragged Keith into medbay.

“You couldn’t heal him without going into a pod first or it would start depleting the quintessence of your life force... we don’t have time for that, you know what my answer is—“

“But it’s worth it! Just a second, even just a touch would make the world of a difference, please—“

“Allura... come on, let him work.”

Lance looked angry still, and Shiro wasn’t sure he blamed him anymore, but the princess’s voice was shaking and his hand on her arm was pulling her away from Coran gently.

And she let him, the sob that erupted from her throat startling everyone. But Lance was there, the usual smirk he wore when speaking to the princess noticeably absent as he braced his her shoulders because they were shaking too.

Shiro is pressing Keith’s chest down flat where Lance had been after he Coran hissed at the heat of the tool while he continued to thrash.

The energy in the room was so dark and heavy it was almost sinister.

But the worst part was seeing it on his face. The desperation in his expressions was gutting. It felt like a sort of betrayal, which in a way it was, but so was the alternative.

Shiro tried to keep up his rambles of assurance but found the sentiments catching in his throat.

It had become wildly apparent that they were more comforting to him than they were to Keith, but he repeated them still, the same nonsense over and over again like a prayer. The swipe of his metal thumb clearing the endless stream of tears out of his eyes was the only constant other than the sound of his own screaming sobs.

And the pain.

His sobs and the pain.

It was blinding and it was everywhere. He couldn’t get away from it. Couldn’t get away from himself or the terrible sounds he was making.

All of it was suffocating. The fire poker dragging against his already charred skin, the hands holding him still, Shiro’s words, his own cries, all of it.

The air was filled with a bitter and nauseating heat, the smell of his own flesh burning permeated it and made him cry harder.

He wanted to throw up, wanted to pass out, hell if he died right there he wouldn’t have even minded.

He just wanted everything to stop.

He didn’t think he could stand much more of it but his body wouldn’t give in. His screams had morphed into one piercing and continuous wail as every limit he had was tested and shattered.

Keith thought he could handle pain fairly well, but this was absurd. This pain was otherworldly.

It’s only when he spits the rag out for the millionth time and begins chanting his own prayer that Shiro really wavered, his hand halting abruptly as he went to put it back between his teeth before they tore through his tongue the next time Coran moved his tool.

But Coran had taken the glowing metal away for a moment and was fiddling with something, so when Shiro leaned in to replace the cloth he could finally make out what he was saying.

“...D-d-d-da-dad... pl-please, dad... dad m-make it st-stop... dad...”

The words were slurred and barely audible with how wrecked his throat was, but there was no denying it.

“Oh, Keith...” Shiro breathed before his jaw was working to muffle his own pitiful sounds.

He was in such a delirium that he was calling out for his father, the man who Keith hadn’t called out to in years because he was dead. He’d left him in the most final way someone could leave.

Shiro didn’t know how many promises his death might’ve broken, just that the words Keith was uttering were what finally broke him.

Allura’s cheeks were still wet with tears but stepped forward anyway and moved the towel back into place, her hands running through and smoothing down Keith’s wild locks all tossed out of place from writhing.

She bent down to speak softly into his ear, Shiro didn’t catch much over the ringing in his own while his eyes locked into place on the towel in his mouth and the blood staining his chin and neck, though he thought he heard something about him being strong, him doing so well...

“Shiro.”

The hand on his arm didn’t make him jump because he couldn’t feel it. The room was expanding and he was shrinking because Keith’s whimpering was beginning to sound like the despairing cries before someone or something died in the arena.

The arena...

His eyes open wide and flit around wildly, the room abruptly fitting back to size.

“Huh?”

Shiro was good at snapping himself back to reality when he needed to, good at functioning at half capacity just to see through whatever he was in the middle of until it was safe to let the lights of the arena bleed into his present.

Not that acknowledging his memories was ever safe. And not that reliving them in his cabin was any safer.

Just easier.

“What is it?”

“I’m starting again...”

He hadn’t noticed that he’d backed up into Pidge’s bed or that her tiny hand had wound its way into his.

“...and he’s asking for you.”

“Right.”

His voice was sturdy again, hands no longer trembling. He could do this.

The whirring of the tool sounds too much like his metal arm, it glows orange instead of purple but that doesn’t seem to matter because it’s cutting into Keith’s skin all the same and the screams that escape his mouth cut into Shiro just as bad.

But he pushes it all away. He can unpack the emotions that rise up with it later but Keith needed him now.

The initial twitches that wracked his brutalized frame when Coran brought the tool back down had Allura turning away and the smoke that rose up with the first slice had Hunk clamping a hand over his mouth and nose. But the princess’s hand never stopped brushing through his hair and Hunk kept the grip on his shoulder firm.

They could feel his muscles loosening, could feel the power of each jerk dwindling.

And then they watched with heavy consciences as even his steady cries quieted, his body finally waving the white flag.

“I’m sorry...”

Shiro chanted it so many times that the syllables blended together and turned into something else altogether.

Keith’s breathing was more erratic than it ever had been and it didn’t seem like he could see straight anymore so Shiro lowered his forehead to Keith’s and draped his metal arm over his neck.

Both were damp with sweat that created condensation on his hand, his hair wet with it and plastered all over, but Shiro couldn’t find it in him to care. He needed him to know that he was there, that he hadn’t left.

“I’m here, Keith. And I’m sorry...”

But his cheeks were flushing with something other than straight up exertion. And Shiro felt it, felt his hand go cold while all the blood raced to his head. He knew what was happening but he wasn’t worried.

He was relieved.

“I’m so sorry...”

The rag falls out again because his jaw had gone slack and his eyes were rolling to the back of his head. Shiro didn’t move to fix it.

His breathing still irregular but falling into a more even rhythm.

Lance looks stricken and Hunk is rather green when they let go and step back.

Pidge had finally found the ability to relax abs was slumping into the bed, eyes glued to Coran’s hand who was still not done.

Still not okay. Still not in a pod, but no longer in pain.

Hunk took exactly one deep breath before devolving into tears. He was done being strong, but Lance never seems to get the luxury and was pulling him into a hug that didn’t have him standing any straighter or have his chest working any less, but it was something.

Coran’s hands move slow and he doesn’t seem to feel the red welts on his fingertips from wrestling with his tools. But he looked more at ease with Keith blissfully unconscious, like he was breathing again.

Shiro was still holding Keith’s hand. It was ice cold and looking sort of blue with the white blotches dotting it. He leaves his other hand on his neck where his skin is hotter, figuring if the cool metal could be useful for anything other than killing, it might just be that.

Lance eyes the distance in Shiro’s gaze, the rigidity in his movements, and he thinks he understands. He thinks he can overlook his anger to remember that the guy is still human.

He’s almost scared that he was speaking out loud when Shiro rakes his grey pinpoints around the room, not appearing to actually see any of it before passing over Lance’s briefly. Hunk has his head burrowed in his chest as he fights to regain his composure but he musters up a small smile for him despite being otherwise occupied.

It’s a peace offering. A sad one at that, the corners of his mouth barely perking up, but it’s something.

Shiro wasn’t sure if he returned it but his heart felt lighter once Lance did that.

The energy in the room was still buzzing but it was less stifling, not as heavy as it had been moments ago.

The artificial sunlight starts to turn purple again and he can hear desperation mix into the buzz and for a second Shiro is worried that Keith has woken up. In a bit of a panic he drags his gaze back down to find his eyes still closed and his face still scrunched up like he hadn’t escaped the pain entirely with sleep.

But that was infinitely better than him sounding like them, the dying things he was hearing.

He vaguely wondered if the medbay was a safe enough place to let the purple flood in and ultimately decided that it didn’t matter.

He’d staved it off long enough, was strong for Keith when he needed him to be.

And so he lets himself drift.

[lovelyirony]

 cosmetology anon: this is for you, although I tweaked the idea a bit. i hope you don’t mind! 

Acquiring Tony Stark as an Asset had been purely by chance; after all, he wasn’t planned on being in the car. He was still an insolent teenager, angry with the world and angry with his father. They didn’t think he would’ve gone to a business party. 

But his mother...well. They hadn’t thought that Tony Stark was a mama’s boy. 

Because there Tony is, gasping for air while glass glitters all around him, looking near about like an angel that was torn from heaven with how it surrounded him. 

They had thought he was dead.  

At least, up until the point when he had looked Winter Soldier dead in the eye, said “hey you fucking asshole” and got a pretty damn good shot in the thigh. 

Someone on the brink of death might have tried the gun, but never the insult. 

So Hydra gets a brand new toy. 

Not easily broken, which is a pain-and-a-half to deal with. At least with the Winter Soldier, he was too delirious with blood loss to notice who was operating on him, what they were attaching. 

Tony Stark is on a whole other level. 

He bites, he kicks, he scratches. Quite annoying, they just want him to tire himself out. 

“Stark Industries doesn’t negotiate,” he hisses, trying to kick one of the nurses in the teeth. 

“Who said anything about negotiating?” says the head doctor viciously. His teeth glint in the fluorescent lighting, scalpels reflecting brilliantly onto the walls. “As far as the media knows, you’re dead. No one is going to come looking, and no one even knows who we are.” 

They make him sleep on a cot nearby Winter Soldier. Which is terrifying, to say the least. Not that he can kill him. He can’t touch him either. 

He’s in a deep freezer. Eyes closed, thank god. But they put him there and they tell him all about how he came to be there. 

“Everyone thought Barnes hit a rock and died,” one of the techs says, checking the machine. “He nearly did, but Zola helped us fix him up. Course, that was after a couple of times where he got to someone’s neck, and that was even before programming.” 

“Programming?” 

The tech leers at him, grinning. He’s standing, Tony’s sitting. It shouldn’t be as intimidating as it is. 

“Oh yeah, Stark. They’re gonna fix you all up.” 

“I don’t need fixing.” 

“Tell that to Winter Soldier.” 

“And what if your little machine gets rid of me, hm? Kills me?” 

“We add you to the other disappointments, or we dig a shallow grave and hope you’re found decades later.” 

Not exactly promising. 

But here’s the thing: the tech was wrong. They won’t add him to the pile of disappointments. 

The last time he went to a therapy appointment, his therapist said he had a “deep-seated need to be liked and be useful, which could be dangerous later.” 

He’s assuming that Doc Chesterfield wasn’t exactly expecting Tony to be in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Murder Machine, but Doc wasn’t really the kind of guy who was “in the know” about a lot of things. 

That need to be liked and useful was about to come in handy.  

Barely able to legally drink, he goes to the main doctor in charge. “You need me.” 

The doctor looks at him incredulously. 

“You think we need a kid to do all this shit? You think we haven’t figured it out?” 

“You can’t have Barnes-” 

“Winter Soldier, boy.” 

“Fine, your little toy soldier. You can’t keep him out longer than necessary, otherwise his brain realizes that all of you are shitty and tries to break out. Again. You need someone else to take a look at it, and I’m the best bet you got.” 

“And why would that be?” 

Tony grins, and they see a shadow of what he has had in his life, exactly just who he used to be. Who he still is, at the moment. 

“Whether you want to admit it or not--I’d say go ahead and admit it, I’m fun like that--I’m the smartest one in the room, maybe in the country. Maybe in two countries. I could swing the UK, it’s not like they’ve had anything interesting for the last hundred or so years--” 

“Get to the point,” the handler hisses. 

“I can help with arm maintenance. I’m not gonna do anything else to this poor guy, but I wanna stay alive and I’m not letting you erase my fucking mind because you want to have another toy soldier to march to your drum.” 

“You almost make a compelling case,” the handler says. “We do need a mechanic on the arm, so to speak. But if he only comes out when we need him...well. Maintenance is manageable.” 

Tony pushes his chin out. 

“I can do better than your best.” 

“Unfortunately, I don’t care. You’re too big of a liability.” 

It is at this moment that Tony realizes he cannot talk his way out, or fight his way out, but damn he gets a scalpel and tries. 

Manages to slice across the face of the handler. Nerve damage, tissue damage, quite potentially a very ugly nose. All very nice. 

That gets him moved up by a month. 

They send him to a chair that’s probably a lot worse than he’s imagining, give him a mouth guard, and tell him to scream all he likes. Sometimes it’s better to not have a voice later. 

They say it like they’re quoting one of those shitty articles from Cosmopolitan that discusses the top forty-five best ways to move in the bedroom or something. He and Rhodey use to read it all the time whenever they visited one of the sororities. 

(He misses Rhodey, more than words can say. The tears burn in his throat as the chair powers up, but he doesn’t dare cry. He hasn’t told them about Rhodey, and he doesn’t want him used against him. 

He doesn’t want to be used against Rhodey.) 

- 

Tony Stark becomes the Mechanic. He stares too long, moves a bit slow at times, and doesn’t like people touching his things. 

Hydra thinks it’s a success. 

-

Tony thinks they should’ve done more than three sessions of go-round for their little buzzy-chair. 

-

Just god, have none of them had to act before? Is that what this is? 

So long as he doesn’t show any aspect of any real personality, they think he’s a walking-talking robot. 

Should’ve just called him Chatty Cathy and attached a pull-string to his back with loadable phrases if they were just gonna call him the Mechanic and think his silence and weird staring habits were fine. 

Winter Soldier needs maintenance. 

Tony tries very carefully to keep his persona up. He thinks he’s doing a good job until the nurse leaves the room for her smoke-break and Winter Soldier gives him a look that’s so...different. 

"They think you’re like me.” 

“I am.” 

“No.” 

“And how can you tell?” 

“You’re not hurting my arm.” 

“Well I can, if you wanna be a masochist about it.” 

He blankly stares. 

“Why didn’t it work?” 

“Not enough rounds.” 

“We need to stop talking or they’ll watch the cameras.” 

“Got it.” 

Tony is not facing the cameras. They have no suspicion now, and if they can’t see him move his lips, then there’s no worry. 

He faces Winter Soldier. 

“You wanna get out of here? Tap once on your left, right on my thigh for yes. Twice for no.” 

Tap. 

There it is. 

“Well, it’ll take time. You okay with that?” 

Tap tap. 

“I can’t make wishes come true,” Tony says sarcastically. Soldier hides a smile. “But. I have someone who might be looking for me. Or he’ll know it’s me.” 

“A friend?” 

“Something better. Family.” 

It takes a little while. Despite Hydra’s incompetence at programming Tony out of his own system, they’re good at watching. They’re good at sniffing out undercover plans, so they set nurses to watch him and give him the worst food in his life. 

And he can’t say anything about it. 

They’re probably rations leftover from World War II, and here he is, pretending like it doesn’t bother him. 

The first mission they’re out on, Tony wants so badly to break free. It looks too easy, probably because it is. 

“The first time I escaped, they dragged me back and nearly gave me a matching leg to go with the arm,” Soldier murmurs in Russian. 

(Tony’s had to take Russian classes. God, he’s lucky he has an eidetic memory otherwise he’d be up a paddle with a slotted spoon.) 

“What, didn’t want to put more value on yourself?” 

“Something like that,” Soldier says grimly. “Pay attention. They’re gonna put you in a cafe, have you run surveillance. You report back to me. Call me Winter.” 

“Call me Mechanic.” 

“That’s the name they chose?” 

“Didn’t count my vote.” 

Winter snorts. 

“Time to get a move on.” 

Tony has never been good at hiding his emotions, but by god he’s learning on the fly. At least Winter has a mask, and they’re...well, they’re working on one for him. 

It’s not exactly priority, because everyone in the world thinks he’s dead. 

- 

Well. Shouldn’t say everyone. There is one guy who has decided that Tony didn’t die. 

James Rhodes is a very smart guy, graduated top of his class at MIT and has full honors. 

He also knows that Tony has fallen off of beds, out of chairs, down one flight of stairs, and tripped on just about everything. 

And he’s lived. He has defied near-death experiences before, and he’s been fine. 

Maybe Rhodey is crazy. He most likely is. 

But he doesn’t mind being crazy if no one can actually confirm that Tony died. The funeral was closed for the family, not even Rhodey could go. 

“Sorry kiddo,” Obie had said, not sorry at all. He’s never liked the kid, thought him too blunt about situations that he didn’t need to be blunt about. 

So Rhodey thinks that this is a conspiracy, only he doesn’t want his best friend to end up on a YouTube video five years later talking about the “tragic disappearance” and how “no one could figure it out.” 

He’s James fucking Rhodes. Sometimes goes by Rhodey. And he’s got this. 

- 

Winter Soldier does not “got this.” He is currently being thrown against a wall, and grunting as he looks at the target. 

Tony is currently trying very hard not to have a full-blown emotional show-off, because he is supposed to be fixing up some of the weapons and sending them out. 

It is rather stress-inducing, once you start thinking about it. 

He tries not to. 

God, he’s not even getting pizza after that. He’s probably going to get some bullshit like a vanilla nutritional protein shake. 

Out everything he’s been put through, and that’s the thing that makes him retch.

 - 

Barnes is looking...rough. He got shoved a lot, the mission didn’t exactly go to plan, which turns out to be quite the large problem. 

Because Tony took over. They found out that he can actually assemble weaponry and aim with nearly-one-hundred-percent accuracy. 

They think it’s because they fried his brain and injected some sort of back-alley-serum. 

It’s not. 

He’s not even sure if their serum worked, if he’s being completely honest.

But this? Oh god. 

The doctors look at him with an almost giddy joy. 

“We’ll have Soldier train you.” 

"He is not going back into the cryogenic chambers?” 

“No, not...not until you prove yourself.” 

“I have proven myself accurate with mechanical fixes.” 

“Always best to diversify your skills.” 

“Expand.” 

(Tony’s been messing with them a lot. They’re not positive he knows advanced vocabulary. He does, he just hates them.) 

Barnes is...not exactly excited that he’s not becoming an ice-pop. 

“I’m...training you?” 

“Yeah, looks like it. You wanna teach me how to choke someone with my thighs?” 

“Only when they send the Widows.” 

“Who are they?” 

“Best damned assassins you’ll ever have the displeasure of experiencing.” 

“Aw, you’re learning how to curse!” 

“Shut up, they’re onto us.” 

- 

Winter Soldier and the Mechanic have a...cordial relationship. At least, out of the ring. 

In the ring, they don’t rather like the other that much. Mechanic much prefers to avoid Soldier at all times. 

“You can’t just run from every opponent,” Winter hisses. 

“You’ve been doing it since 1948,” Tony responds in a robotic tone, nearly missing a kick to the shins. “I don’t see why not.” 

He smiles at that one, looking at Tony. 

He was...Tony was unique. He would whisper stories in the dead of night, mostly about a man named Jarvis and a boy his age named “Rhodey.” 

“His parents...they didn’t actually name him that, did they?” 

Tony has to bury his face in his pillow to hide his face from laughing. 

Winter got a good look at that smile. 

It’s chillingly nice to look at it, and maybe that’s because he hasn’t smiled in years, or maybe it’s because he’s never seen another person smile with joy in it for decades. 

- 

For a couple more months, nothing on their side happens. 

Rhodey, however, learns how to use Tony’s homemade AI for illegal purposes! 

He’s figured out lots of things. 

Tony was never confirmed dead. Technically, he’s a missing person. 

Which means they don’t know if he’s dead because they never found him. 

Secondly, there’s a strange email to someone who goes by Zola. 

Well, Rhodey and Tony didn’t stay up until three a.m. to solve impossible codes for nothing. 

James Rhodes figures out that the Winter Soldier isn’t some whispered about myth, and so he decides to try and find him. 

He’ll need to ask Mama if he can use the sedan, but it should be fine. After all, he has a friend to find. 

- 

Hydra is getting too used to having them out. Tony’s been coaching Barnes on not letting his reactions be at the front and center. 

He’s remembering a lot more. Starting to become a bit more human-like. 

He actually doesn’t like the food now, which is a tasteful improvement. 

“When we get out,” Tony whispers in night. “I’m going to make sure that you get the best goddamned pizza the earth has ever seen. And we’ll celebrate your birthday.” 

“When is my birthday?” 

“I...huh. I don’t know. That’s not the fact I remember from school.” 

“So you remembered that my favorite movie star was Hedy Lamarr, but not my own birthday?” 

“In my defense, Ms. Lamarr is far more memorable than a simple date on the calendar.” 

Barnes smiles. 

“I can’t wait to see a picture of her.” 

“You will, soon.” 

- 

Rhodey is getting close. 

The only barrier is convincing his mama to use the sedan. 

“What for?” 

“A trip.” 

“To?” 

“Washington DC?” 

“Why are you questioning that, young man?” 

“Um, because of gas money? Maybe?” 

Mrs. Rhodes stands up to her full height of five-foot-two and stares. 

“What’s the real reason? I didn’t raise a son who could lie to his mother successfully.” 

Rhodey sighs. 

“Tony’s alive. I think. I’m, like, ninety-five-percent sure.” 

Her face softens. 

“Oh baby, you’ve talked about this with your therapist, and-” 

Rhodey glares. 

“It’s not about the therapist’s opinion, mom. I broke into some records. There was a closed-casket funeral, and technically? They didn’t have a body for Tones. I know he’s out there, and I think I got a lead with the help of Jarvis.” 

“I thought Jarvis was dead.” 

“Not Edwin, Mama. Tony’s creation, an AI named Jarvis.” 

Mama looks at him carefully. 

“You sure this is what is going to make you happy?” 

“I don’t care about being happy, I want to see if I can bring him home, Mama.” 

She dangles the keys. 

“If you scratch this car up, I will not hesitate to tell every single aunt at church about this and have common sense walloped into you.” 

“I promise I won’t,” Rhodey says. “I know what I’m doing.” 

“I’ll pack you a bag. And you need your church clothes.” 

“Ma...” 

“Don’t Ma me, I’m your mother, I know what’s best,” Mrs. Rhodes says, sweeping into the kitchen. “Don’t tell your daddy what you told me, you’ll give him a heart attack.” 

“I thought I was gonna give you a heart attack,” Rhodey says. 

She turns, eyes twinkling. 

“You got a lot of learning to do, young man. But go on to DC for me.” 

First stop: gas station. 

Next stop: saving Tony. 

- 

If Tony had known that his friend was so dedicated to saving him that he would drive his mama’s sedan five miles above the speed limit, perhaps he would have stayed put and played nice. 

But Tony did not know this, so he was currently working on fixing Barnes’ arm to shoot projectile missiles that looked like screws to the security cameras. 

“You think they’re counting each screw when none of them even know what your arm can actually do? Not like Zola is physically around anymore,” Tony mutters, holding a screwdriver in his mouth. 

“What’s your plan for escape?” 

“Element of surprise, my dear Watson.” 

“Don’t like that,” Barnes mutters. “What’s your plan once we’re out?” 

“New York City.” 

“That’s it?” 

“You underestimate exactly how much you can hide,” Tony says. “Believe me. We’ll live in an apartment in Queens.” 

- 

Rhodey is about ten minutes away. 

Tony and Bucky have eventually decided to break out, and are having a lovely time shooting a base and putting people through the walls. Really, they shouldn’t have made it out of drywall. Too easy. 

“What fucking vehicle are we taking?!” Barnes yells. 

“I...I will work on it!” 

“You didn’t think about that?!” 

“I was thinking about escaping from a shitty Hydra base!” 

- 

Here comes the sedan! 

- 

Rhodey thought there was only one person, so now the ex-assassin is sitting on his little sister’s school folder, and getting pink glittery on his military pants. 

This was not the plan. 

He is also still only going five over the speed limit, because this is Mama’s sedan. 

He forgot about the little sticker at the back that says “My Son is on the Honor Roll at MIT!” 

“Rhodey love of my life, please go faster than forty miles an hour,” Tony hisses. 

“I can’t believe you’re alive, let me do one thing at a time,” Rhodey stresses. “I bought you hot fries, they’re on the floor in the green bag.” 

“You thought of road trip snacks?” Bucky asks. 

“Yes! And who are you?” 

“Bucky Barnes.” 

Rhodey whips his head around. 

“You lived?” 

“I’ve been told. Eyes on the road and turn left.” 

One tire barely is on the road as he whips the wheel, slamming onto the curb. 

“We are not allowed to fuck my mama’s car up!” Rhodey yells. “Tony, Bucky...do whatever you have to.” 

“How amenable are you to me paying for a new back window?” Bucky asks, left arm already raising. 

“What do you mean-?” 

And...there goes a projectile! 

- 

After twenty minutes of driving around, ten of that being avoiding police blockades, they finally are out on the highway, no one in sight. 

Tony finally breathes. 

“Put on your seatbelt,” Rhodey murmurs. “To New York?” 

“To New York.” 

- 

By all accounts, the table of three men who look slightly rattled and in danger is not actually the worst table that waitress has ever had. 

In fact, the only odd thing that she’s going to say about it is that the young man on the left is wearing a polo shirt, and it is not Sunday, so no church services. A personal outfit choice. 

The man in the middle seems to know this. 

“Rhodey, seriously?” 

“What? It’s laundry day!” 

“I know you had other shirts. I know you did.” 

“Just because you hate polo shirts doesn’t mean you get to hate on me, especially after the shit I just pulled.” 

“He has a point,” says the man on the right. 

“You have no opinion on this. I just met you.” 

“Are you guys ready to order?” She asks nervously, tapping at her notepad with a chewed-up pen. 

They all stare blankly at the menu, and then back at her. She taps her pen one more time. 

“I’ll...um...give you some more time.” She shakes her head. She’s not gonna ask, she doesn’t get paid enough. 

-

Rhodey looks at the two of them. He knows that things...well. 

Tony probably isn’t going to be playing Jeopardy! with this experience. 

Hell, he probably won’t want to see a therapist about this, and Rhodey will have to play Jeopardy! or some obscure dating show simulation with Tony to even help. 

And then there’s the matter of a man who’s supposed to be dead. 

That and...Rhodey decided to finish up college with a master’s degree. 

No one ever said life was easy. 

But. 

It might be fun. 

[j0elmill3r]

It’s Quiet Uptown

Bucky Barnes x Daughter!Reader

Bucky Barnes Masterlist

Warnings: Death, Angst, swearing,

Word Count: 3,006

A/N: This is 100% inspired by Hamilton, the lyrics are in bold and italic. I watched this and actually sobbed, so what better way to take out my emotional instability on all of you! This is really fucking sad, so yeah, beware of that I guess. I promise I'll get some requests done at some point! I hope you all enjoy this because I really liked writing this! The angst is right up at 100 for this, so have your tissues handy boys!

--

A shudder twisted through your body as your eyes peeled open to take in your rather grim surroundings. Nothing in this room gave you a feeling of safety or assurance, in all honesty, you thought you were already dead and you were a ghost. Grime and dirt coated the damp walls, creating an awful smell. The only light in the room was the dimming light bulb that was hanging over your head, illuminating you and only you, so you had no clue what kind of monsters were lurking in the shadowy corners of the room. You tried to struggle against the ropes you were tied to, but they had no give and you were only causing yourself more pain by struggling against them. Anxiety spiked in your chest - did your dad know you were here? Did he even know where you were in general? Your head snapped up to the huge, steel door in front of you creaking open. Grim nausea came over you, 3 men, all much stronger and larger than you walked in.

"I see our little fighter is awake," One of them said, crouching down beside you and brushing your hair away from the side of your face. "We were scared you would never wake up." He said, grinning at you evilly.

"I'm beginning to wish I didn't," You snarled, giving all three of them a dirty glare. You were doing your best to try and appear strong, but inside, you had never been more scared in your life. The rational side of your brain told you that you had no way of escaping, even if you did manage to get out of your restraints, these guys would easily catch up on you and put you right back on square one.  But the other side of your brain told you that you were good enough to outsmart them and that you were trained well enough to escape and get back home without getting hurt.

"You're going to. After the state you left poor Logan in, we're gonna have to hurt you, sweetheart," Another said, coming out of the shadows and standing in front of you. "You put up one hell of a fight, did your daddy teach you how to fight like that?" He asked you mockingly.  You sighed and smiled innocently.

"Yeah, he did," You said, experimenting in moving your legs so you could wake them up and make a run for it. "He also taught me that guys like you have the brain capacity of a goldfish." You said, looking up at him. You kicked him in the crotch and pushed yourself back on the chair, falling back and breaking the weak chair. Hope began to raise, you were actually going to get out of here. You slipped your arms out of the ropes and grabbed two of the legs of the chair, using them as your weapons of defence.

"You little bitch," You ducked as one of the men ran at you, hitting on the back as hard as you could with the leg of the chair, groaning when it did nothing other than snap in half. You gulped and saw you were surrounded. "That was the stupidest escape plan I've ever seen, what about you boys?"

"I've seen some things here, but a girl trying to outrun us and thinking she has a chance of getting out tops them all," One of them says, walking towards you. The other one followed him and soon you were surrounded. You didn't know what happened next, but you screamed, and then everything around you disappeared and turned to black.

-

"Where the fuck is she?!" Bucky roared. You were never one to go out without informing him, and the fact you hadn't answered anyone's phone calls or texts were making Bucky's anxiety levels spike through the roof. The rest of the team were sitting in one of the meeting rooms, trying to figure out where you could be. Steve was the first one brave enough to meet Bucky's enraged face. Bucky's anger wasn't aimed at the team, anything but. It was for himself for not being there to protect you, he felt as though he had in some way failed you.

"We're still looking for her," Steve said, looking up at Bucky with sorry eyes, a glint of remorse in his blue eyes. "But we know who took her." Steve added on.

"And who would it be?" Bucky asked. In fact, Bucky already knew who had taken you. Who else would be looking for a 16-year-old kid and try their damnedest to hide them? Steve sighed.

"HYDRA has her," Steve said. Dread filled Bucky's system and paralysed him. "We're still working on specifically where Y/N is, but we have everyone looking at every single possibility." Steve assured Bucky. Bucky scoffed and shook his head, running his hand down his face and holding tears back in his eyes.

"You better fucking find her, Steve. Because if you don't, I won't hesitate to knock the ever-loving shit outta you." Bucky threatened. Steve knew it was empty and that Bucky wouldn't do anything if they they couldn't locate you, Bucky would be too overcome with guilt to even think about harming him. Bucky wasn't angry at Steve or anyone else, he was angry at himself for letting this happen to you.

"I know this is difficult, Buck, but we're gonna find her," Steve told him. "I promise." Bucky looked up and looked at Steve with an aggressive furrowed brow.

"Do not promise shit, Steve! You don't know that we're gonna find her!" Bucky yelled, frustration on his features. Steve sighed and gave Bucky a sympathetic look.

"Okay, I don't. But we can't just rule out that we're not going to find her," Steve said. "You have to stay optimistic, Bucky."

"I stayed optimistic for years and look where it got me, Steve," Bucky said. "It's just easier to assume the worst, then when it comes I'm never surprised." Steve hated to see Bucky so hopeless, it was heartbreaking. No one else said anything, just trying to ignore their own looming fear. They all sat for a minute before one of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents came in, a nervous look on their face.

"Mr.Barnes, we-we uh, located your daughter,"

-

The dull throbbing of your head subsided as your eyes opened, you found yourself in a different room from the one you originally woke up in. This room was straight up dark, nothing gave you any light, you couldn't see anything. It felt like being trapped in a void, it felt like you couldn't even breathe. Your bones ached and screamed for you to sit back down as you stood up and tried to figure out where the door was, you found it bolted shut, but despite that, you tried your best to beat it open. But as soon as your fists made contact with the solid steel, you screamed out in pain as a burning feeling spread throughout your body, making it feel as though your whole body was on fire. You fell to your knees as a cries tore through you, you were doubled over, clutching your stomach. A crackle came across the intercom system, making you look up at the ceiling. In all honesty, you didn't know if it was the ceiling anymore, your whole sense of orientation felt off.

"Good morning, Y/N," A voice said, it sounded like one of the men that had knocked you out. "If you can't feel it already, there's a deadly serum in your blood that will  kill you if your father does not get here within 10 hours,"  You could picture the grin on his face as he spoke, telling you of your inevitable fate. "If he doesn't get here, you will die alone in a dark room, where no one is likely to find you." He finished. Fear hit you like a speeding train that dragged you along the tracks. Everything fell silent, making it all worse for you. You fell into a corner, sitting with your legs out and head against the corner. The fear of your dad not finding you made you burst into tears. You didn't want to die, no, not right now. You wanted to go to prom, have a real boyfriend, get married, have children, have a life. But you didn't even know if your dad knew you were missing, or if he even cared. You didn't know how long you had been crying for, but it was long enough for you to know it was getting closer. You knew you were really alone, there had been no snide remarks from your captors. You were hot, sweat stuck your hair to your forehead and your clothes to your body. At some point, you had ran out of tears and had become numb to the situation facing you. You felt tired, like you could close your eyes and just go to sleep for days upon days. It was a peaceful numbness, it felt good to finally feel like you could sleep without fear of nightmares. You could finally rest well and not have to worry about anything anymore.

-

Bucky's anxiety was spiking, he was filled with fear and dread. He didn't want to think of the unimaginable, but knew it was a high probability, probably the highest among all of the other options. He and Steve decided that they would go, you trusted them both the most and if there was anyone who could calm you down after something going wrong, it was Bucky. The base was quiet, were you even here? Steve and Bucky searched for any trace of you in the seemingly abandoned base, but found no trace of you. Bucky peered into one of the rooms and saw a bloodstain on the floor, it made his stomach lurch.

"Steve," Bucky called out, turning on his heel. Steve came into the room and grimaced, then looking to Bucky. "Do you think it's hers?" Bucky asked fearfully.

"It's dry, Buck. I don't think so," Steve murmured. Bucky let out an exasperated groan, where the fuck were you? A shrill, pain filled scream got both super soldiers attention. They both followed the sound to a huge, steel door. Bucky knew that scream, he raised that scream.

"Y/N?!" Bucky cried. Relief flooded him, but it was replaced by fear, why were you screaming? "Y/N, honey, tell me what's going on?!" Bucky yelled, watching as Steve made attempts to try and get the solid door open? You didn't answer him, causing the fear inside of him to rise. "Dammit, Y/N, answer me!" Bucky yelled, his voice breaking. Steve got the door open, they waited in fear as it creaked open. Bucky was the first to walk in, freezing when he saw you slumped in a corner, your eyes glassy and tired. This is what it was. It was the dreaded unimaginable. Bucky made his way over to you, his guiding light being that from the hallway of the base. "Y/N, honey."

"Dad," You said quietly. Bucky smiled and nodded as tears came to his eyes, he tried to hide them from you, but knew you were smarter than that. You sluggishly brought your hand up to his face to wipe away his tears. "Don't be sad." You told him. Steve had taken a step back, standing outside of the room to keep his own emotions in check. Steve wanted to push away the unimaginable. Bucky smiled and pushed your sticky hair away from your forehead, smiling at you sadly.

"You're gonna be alright, honey," Bucky assured you, maybe also himself. "You can rest, you can let go. It's okay." He said, kissing the top of your head. You smiled at him lazily.

"I love you," You said quietly. Bucky let out a sob and pulled you onto his lap gently, sitting against the wall.

"I love you too, Y/N," Bucky whispered. Your head lay on his shoulder as your already shallow breaths became more and more shallow, until they eventually stopped all together. Bucky felt his heart stop at that very moment. He broke down, sobbing into your shoulder and hiding his face. Steve felt his heart shatter, you were like the daughter he never had, any time Bucky couldn't have with you, Steve was always happy to make up. And now you were gone.

can you imagine?

-

There is suffering too terrible to name. Bucky didn't want to know if you suffered, part of him wished that you didn't feel any pain, but the part of him that knew HYDRA told him that they didn't do painless. He resigned from the Avengers, they understood, they didn't pretend to know The challenges he was facing. Bucky moved to uptown New York, he had to get away from everything, but had to learn to live with the unimaginable. Bucky never quite understood grief or loss before, in fact, he had never truly experienced it before. No amount of preparation could have prepared him for the amount of grief he was going to experience due to your death. It tore him apart in the most brutal of ways, every time he walked by a park and saw parents with their young children, he couldn't help but a shed a tear. That had been him once, he had to put your plasters on your scrapes when you fell off of the swings, he had to pull you away while you cried and screamed. Now, he didn't get to have a child. The days blended into each other, every day felt the exact same, quiet, dull and lifeless. Bucky came to the conclusion that he never realised just how much he never liked the quiet before. You were the light in Bucky's life, and now he was left in the dark without you.

Steve and Natasha stood outside of the apartment that Bucky lived in, a bag of groceries in each of their hands. The door opened to reveal the dishevelled Bucky Barnes, he looked broken.

"Hey," Bucky said quietly. They could tell he'd been crying, his voice was hoarse and his eyes were red. "Come in." Bucky moved out of the door, letting Natasha and Steve in. They looked around, seeing old photo albums out on the table, multiple cups of coffee placed around the apartment. Both Natasha and Steve sighed, turning to face the vulnerable looking Bucky.

"Buck-"

"Steve, please don't give me any of the it's gonna get better bullshit, because I've heard too much of it," Bucky said. "I don't get why people are telling me that. My daughter is dead. I'm never gonna get to scare away any potential boyfriends, and the one I don't scare off won't get to ask me if he can marry her. I won't get to do any of that," Bucky's voice broke, so did Natasha and Steve's heart. "God, if I could just see her smile one more time, that would be enough."

"I'll leave these here," Natasha said, putting the plastic bag on the counter top. "I have to go." She said, smiling at Bucky, who returned the gesture. Natasha left, leaving Steve and Bucky.

"How are you doing?" Steve asked, sitting down on the couch beside Bucky. Bucky sighed and looked up.

"Okay, I guess," He answered.

"Do you want to talk about her?" Steve asked him. As much as it hurt, Bucky liked to talk about you. He nodded.

"I think she would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown," Bucky said. Steve nodded and smiled. "It's just like the moments when you're in so deep It feels easier to just swim down," Bucky explained. "I just really miss her." Bucky looked down as he felt the all too familiar sting of tears come to his eyes.

"We all do," Steve told Bucky. "I never told you because Y/N begged me not to, but she was going out with that Parker kid before she died." Steve revealed. Bucky laughed and nodded.

"I already knew. I just didn't want to burst their bubble, they thought they were doing well at hiding it," Bucky said, a smile on his face. "I just didn't want to say anything because I thought it would upset her." They both sat in comfortable silence for a minute before Steve decided to speak up.

"I know there's no replacing what you've lost, and you need time, but if time is what you need, then you'll get it," Steve told him, noticing that Bucky was tearing up.

"I just really want her back. If I could spare her life , I could trade her life for mine, God, I would do it in a heartbeat," Bucky said. "She-she was barely 16, Steve. She hadn't even gotten out of highschool. She wanted to do so much, and now she'll never get to do it." Bucky broke down into tears, Steve too had shed a few, but he didn't have the same rights to mourn as Bucky, he didn't even want to begin to understand how he was feeling. Steve put his arm around Bucky and let him cry into his shoulder. Bucky hadn't ever cried this much, never in his century of living. Everything hurt, Bucky wanted to give up, but knew if he did, you would come and kick his ass in the afterlife. He had to keep going and work through the unimaginable.

For you.

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