#and a month later he broke up with me EXCEPT. i didn't realize he thought we were dating (i am an idiot)

[maggotwithanf]

four more days til i get to hang with the bestie again

[rafesfavgirl]

with a broken heart — r. cameron

part 1. something a little more lighthearted to make up for breaking y'alls hearts :)

series: every few lifetimes

❝ i was grinning like i'm winning  i was hitting my marks 'cause i can do it with a broken heart ❞

pairing: ex-bf!rafe x fem!reader

context: after getting your heart broken, you pack your bags and leave the obx, only to come face to face with rafe again, eight years later.

words: 2.4k+

warnings: rafe and reader are aged up (26/27), old flames, FLUFF

"now remember, this client's a big prospect," your boss says as you follow him out of the office car and into the building you were scoping out today. "i guarantee if you can close this deal, you'll be well on your way to becoming the next junior partner."

"hank, are you serious?" you stop in your tracks and he looks at you. 

when you first left the outer banks for new york, you went to nyu without a clue on what you wanted to do with the rest of your life. somewhere along the way, you graduated magna cum laude and pursued law school at columbia. your first year, hank took you on as an intern, and by the time you graduated, you had a job lined up for you at one of the biggest real estate agencies in the world. and though you knew how well you did your job, becoming junior partner as a second-year associate was way beyond where you thought you'd be—it was nothing short of a dream come true.

"don't think what you've done for this company has been lost on me, y/n," he tells you. "you're an asset. i knew it since that first summer i took you on as an intern."

a smile comes across your lips. "well, i can't disappoint," you say. "let's close this fucking deal."

"that's what i like to hear, come on," he continues leading you through the building, until the two of you reached a tall guy with a buzzcut wearing a navy blue suit scoping out the place.

"mr. cameron," you don't miss the familiar name when you and your boss stop behind him, your breath hitching when the guy turns around to greet you both. "this is-"

"y/n," your name rolls off rafe's tongue the same way it always did, your heart beating so hard you feared it'd jump out of your chest.

hank's eyes shift between the two of you, as he shakes rafe's hand. "you two know each other?"

"yeah," rafe nods, his eyes set on you—he couldn't believe that you were actually standing in front of him. a part of him thought that when you left the obx he'd never see you again. "we uh— we went to high school together."

"well that's wonderful," hank smiles. "no need for the awkward introduction then."

except— it was awkward. you didn't just go to high school together. you fell in love in high school. and two months before you chose to go to nyu, rafe broke your heart.

"y/n here will be the one walking you through the contract, and hopefully setting you up with one of our best architects," hank explains to him, while you continue trying to process the fact that he was actually here.

what were the odds that he was the client you needed to win over in order to make junior partner? 

—

"so, does that all sound good to you?" you finish going over the contract for the building and look at rafe.

the two of you hovered over a table in the empty space that you'd spread out all the documents on.

"yeah, y/n, it all sounds great." the smile he throws your way makes your stomach turn in the worst way—making you realize that the piece of your heart that never stopped beating for him still existed. "where do i sign?"

"uh— right here," you pick up your pen to draw x's on all the lines he had to sign on, before holding it out to him.

he takes it from you, and you watch as he leans over to sign on each and everyone of them, your eyes trailing over how well his suit fit him.

he must hit the gym at least four times a week, you thought. he's grown quite a bit since you last saw him.

"there you go," rafe hands the pen back out to you, and you take it from him with a smile.

"thank you," you say. "you won't regret it."

"oh, i know," he nods, eyes scanning over your face. "i'd never regret anything that involves you."

you feel the heat rise on your cheeks, but you keep it professional, gathering the files on the table back into your folder. "well then, i'll leave you with the contacts of our architects and if you have any further questions, you can reach out to hank or any of the other executives."

"yeah, okay," he replies, hiding his disappointment in the fact that you didn't tell him to contact you with any questions he may have.

"it was a pleasure doing business with you, mr. cameron," you hold out a hand to him for a handshake and he stares at it for a second, before reluctantly placing his hand in yours.

"it sure was," he smiles. "but you know you can just call me rafe, don't you?"

"this is how i address all my clients," you tell him. "it's just the professional thing to do."

"yeah, yeah, i get it," he nods. "guess i'm just not used to it coming from you."

you crack a smile at his somewhat nervous stance—you weren't used to seeing him this way. "it was nice to see you again, rafe. good luck with everything."

"yeah," he grins. "you too."

you turn to walk away, while rafe stays back, scratching the back of his head in contemplation before calling out to you. "hey y/n?"

"yeah?" you ask, stopping to look at him again.

"you got any plans tonight?"

"rafe, i-"

"oh, come on," he cuts you off, slowly closing the distance between you two. "there's no reason we can't be friends, right?"

wrong—there were many reasons. one being that you spent years piecing yourself back together after he decided to give up on you. 

"let's catch up," he persists, his blue eyes locking with yours. "get a drink with me tonight."

despite your head screaming no, you agree. "one drink," you say, causing a smile to spread across his face. "ten o'clock. meet me at the bar on fifth."

—

the second you walk into the bar, rafe rises from his stool at the counter and waves you over. he had gotten there 30 minutes early to make sure you weren't left waiting for him—you'd done enough of that.

"hey," he seems nervous when you reach him, wiping his hands on his slacks before reluctantly wrapping his arms around you in a hug.

you resist the urge to giggle—it was kinda entertaining to see this six-foot-two tall man get nervous around you—and briefly return his hug.

"have you been here long?" you ask, taking off your jacket and taking a seat in the empty stool beside him.

"nah, just about five minutes or so," he lies, shrugging and giving you a lopsided smile, as the bartender walks up to greet you both.

"anything i can get you?" she asks, eyes lingering on rafe for a little longer than you.

"just a glass of whiskey for me," rafe tells her. "neat."

"and i'll just have a glass of pinot noir," you say, when the girl turns to look at you. "thank you."

"and you can just put it on this," rafe reaches into his back pocket for his wallet, and you cut in. "rafe, you don't have to-"

"nonsense," he shakes his head at you and slides his black amex across to the bartender. "i invited you out. it's on me."

the bartender picks up his card, and gives him a smile. "rafe cameron. i'll remember that."

subtly, rafe rolls his eyes and you hold back a snicker. "please don't."

the bartender huffs as her eyes shifts between the two of you, but walks away without another word to get your drinks and charge rafe's card.

you kink a brow at him. "you get bartenders flirting with you a lot?"

"i guess it happens every now and then," he shrugs.

"it's definitely the buzz," you tell him, as a different bartender brings over your drinks and hands rafe back his card.

"thank you," he briefly acknowledges him, before turning his attention back on you, an amused smile on his face. "you think?"

"yeah," you nod, bringing your wine glass up to take a sip. "it makes you look older— more mature. it suits you."

he cracks a smile, a small chuckle slipping out from between his lips. "and being a lawyer suits you."

"you really think so?"

"yeah," he nodded, taking a sip of his whiskey. "you looked so cute all dressed up in your little suit," those words make the heat rise on your cheeks, and you hide it with your wine glass. "i've never seen you more in your element. what made you choose law?"

"well…" you trail off, wondering whether or not you should tell him the truth. oh, fuck it. "after we broke up, i found out got into nyu. i was so… mad and hurt over you ending it that i packed my bags and i left, without looking back. during the summers, i stayed here and worked internships with the school just so i'd have an excuse not to go home."

he listened intently, a look of indifference falling across his features. a part of him was hurt at hearing that he'd broken your heart so badly you felt the need to leave, but the other part was proud. you really did that. figured your shit out and made a life for yourself—just like he always knew you would.

"after my second year, i worked an internship with a property management company in brooklyn. we scoped out places all around the city, and i don't know… i kinda just fell in love with it. seeing how happy people got when we'd found them the right apartment or the right space for them to start their business just made me feel really good. so i declared real estate as my major junior year and decided on law school," you continued.

"doll, that's amazing," he smiled, blue eyes twinkling. "which law school did you go to?"

"columbia," you reply, his eyes only widening in amazement. no words could describe the amount of pride in his chest right now. "but enough about me. what about you?"

"oh— uh…" he started and set his whiskey down on the bar. "after you left, i went to rehab. went in and out of that place for about two or three years… i mean, you knew how bad it was— wasn't easy."

you frown upon hearing his struggles with rehab and relapsing, but nod along as he continues.

"been clean for about four years now though," he shrugs, as if it wasn't some big accomplishment.

"rafe, that's amazing," you tell him, setting your glass down on the bar. "good for you."

"i had to," he nodded. "not only for me, but for dad, too. he was starting to talk business and expanding the company, and i just… i couldn't let him down. especially not after i let you down."

you glance down, no longer being able to meet his eyes. you knew that your past together had to come up at one point, you just weren't ready for it. mainly because even after all this time, there was still that little piece of your heart that never stopped belonging to him. it would always be his. "rafe…"

"i hope i'm not being too forward when i ask you this but…" his hand reaches out to touch yours, and you look up at him. "are you seeing anyone?"

"no, i'm not," you shake your head. "after we broke up, i didn't really date much. and even when i did, nothing ever really stuck."

that was enough to have a smile crack across his his, eyes brighter than you'd seen them in a really long time. "guess that makes two of us."

"guess so," you shrug, thoughts running through your mind a hundred times a minute as you try to find a way to change the subject. you weren't ready for where this conversation was about to go. at least, not yet. "but, uh— tell me about cameron development, how's that going?"

he chuckles at your eagerness to change the subject, as you sipped on your wine, but goes with it. he'd break you down again. eventually.

—

after finishing your drinks at the bar, rafe offered to walk you home since your apartment was only about a block or two away, assuring you that he'd just get a cab back to his hotel afterward.

and while a part of you screamed at you to say no, that little piece of your heart that still beat for him won over, and you agreed.

"well, this is me," you say, stopping in front of your apartment complex and looking at him. "it was really nice to see you, rafe."

"so that's it?" he asks, catching you off guard. "this just ends here?"

he takes a step towards you, making your heart pitter-patter, as his eyes scanned your face.

"rafe-"

"don't you ever wonder…" he cuts you off, his gaze lingering on your lips for just a moment before his eyes shifted to meet yours. "what we could've been? what we could be?"

"i-"

"i know i fucked shit up with you, a'ight?" he said, hand coming up to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear.

the gesture threatens to make your eyes flutter close at the feeling of his familiar touch, but you keep your composure.

"i was young and i was stupid, and i thought you deserved better," he continued. "but y/n, there isn't a day that has gone by in the last eight years that you haven't crossed my mind. i think about you all the time, just hoping for the day you'd finally come back to the banks."

your breath hitches at his confession, that tiny piece of your heart that held onto him, growing three sizes.

"i know i don't deserve a second chance, i know that," he told you. "but i'm not the guy i was back in high school. i'm clean now, and i've turned my life around. i can be that guy for you now. the one you needed me to be all those years ago."

"okay," you whisper.

"what?" he musn't have heard you right.

"i'd be lying to myself if i said i haven't thought about you either, rafe," you say.

a small chuckle falls from his lips, which spread into a smile. "seriously?"

you nod. "come pick me up at seven tomorrow. let's give it a chance."

part 3 coming soon!!

i'm rooting for them tbh

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[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #27

27. FRANCE Slimane - "Mon amour" 4th place

Decade ranking: 103/153 [Above The Black Mamba, below Marco Mengoni]

Slimane has a very powerrful voice. 🙂

THE RANKING

Okay, FINE. I suppose I can't leave it like that. 🙄 Although I'd much rather would.

So *SLIME*-MANE. There's a lot to unpack and a lot I know most people will disagree with my takes, but oh well. I've ranked Joost low, and Mustii low, so it's only fair the Slimane fans get some scalding hot truth tea splashed in the face from this deluded overthinker. Disliking men is a much more productive way to run away from my problems than simpling them is.

So remember how I spoke about songs designed to Make People Cry? You know I hold emotional extortion in contempt. "Pity" is just a slightly more charitable way of looking down at others, and shouldn't be strived for. These anthems are inherently designed to manipulate the undiscerning into uglycrying while offering very little sustainance. Yep, we're here yet again. Another song that doesn't pass even a tiny bit of scrutiny, except in a language most viewers do not speak.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that "Mon Amour"'s francophoneness is what made many people sleep on the fact that it's not exactly narratively sound. Most people that I've spoken about ESC to that understand French haven't responded well to "Mon Amour" (lol one of my French friends bursting into chat all "SLIMANE REPS US? EW. HIS MUSIC IS SO BORING AND CORNY 😣" hours after Mon Amour's release passed without comment from any of us ♥).

The indifference makes sense when you read the lyrics. It's filled with cliche's that scream "I YEM ZE FR0NCH~", a little bit too much on the nose. If I thought "Évidemment" was bad, this is worse. Lines such as "reviens à Paris" and ''Es-ce-que tu-m'aimes où pas?" are such clichés they feel thoughtless and expected, like someone writing out the monologue on autopilot.

But what sets me off is the overal narrative. Slimane and France have attempted to retcon "Mon amour" as "the story of an artist reaching out to his fans, seeking validation" but that is not what the lyrics read out. Instead, speak of the aftermath of a broken romance, where SHE has had her heart shattered to a degree that she LEFT THE PROTAGONIST'S HOMETOWN FOR AN UNKNOWN DESTINATION AND BROKE OFF ALL CONTACT. Instead of giving her, you know, personal space or time to reflect, or even lick his wounds, he keeps desperately asking her whether she still loves him or not. Dude, I don't know her, and I know the answer is "no". Give it a rest, and move on. Sadly, Slimane didn't move on and spends a full three minutes wailing on about it. "I want her, I need her only her, why doesn't she love me". We know where this ends - with a restraining order and either her or him dead and dismembered inside a dumpster six months later. (Australia's jury of snarky yet emotionally intelligent gays picking up on this and ranking him dead last ♥ bless them ♥)

As you can perhaps tell, the above realizations completely KILL the romantic aspect of the song for me. I cannot, and WILL NOT get into its grief and sadness. All the parties involved should be GLAD it's over.

Instrumentally, the song's just... generic piano ballad, nothing new or innovative here. Dime a dozen, we've heard it before, bla bla bla. "Mon amour" is a nothingburger, an empty vessel for Slimane's vocal chops.

Which brings me to another problem I have with it - I personally don't really care much about technical skill? Eurovision is an audio-visual SONG contest, not a SINGING contest. It is cool that you can nail those masturbatory vocal projections. You're a singer who can sing. "Loud" however is a pitch, not an emotion. It would have been more impressive if you've also discovered the cure of cancer alongside it. (Curing tumors with vocal vibrations. Medical students reading this, get on it so I can be impressed by Slimane.)

Focusing exclusively on that though, is annoying to me. Good Eurovision entrants start with a SONG. "Mon amour" barely classifies as one. End off.

That isn't to say I cannot respect Slimane's vocal for what it was. I mean THIS:

is a feat only a few vocalists can successfully pull off. It is MORE impressive the first time you witness it before the laws of Diminishing Returns kicks in. But it was immensely clever to trial it at Dora and then include it into the song itself - it gives the performance stakes and gravitas, so why not?

However that brought the song's weakness even more to the forefront to me. My logic is the following: if you can pull off such a stunt, then why aren't you the immediate fave to win? Eurovision 2024 was the most open year perhaps of all times, and I'm supposed to believe a voice THIS strong cannot win it by itself? There are enough examples of strong vocals POWERING through merely decent songs (Céline and Corinne Hermès for instance) into a first place. If you can pull that off and still lose doesn't that prove your song is fucking shite?

Going into the contest I was HOPING to get something out of the live besides Big Vocals and also that France wouldn't morph into a direct contender to win (You would HOPE that 2024's varied and exciting line-up was competitive enough as to not crown a vocal projection exercise as its winner), and ultimately, I got both of my wishes because Eurovision 2024 was BORISVISION. I was the meta this year, bitches, and I think fourth place is a perfectly reasonable result for a vocal that strong on a song that nonexistent.

But more importantly, Slimane managed to inject his performance with EMOTIONS and good god I really needed that.

It took a LOT of effort from Slimane for me to recognize that yes, this man is cooking with gas, and his expertise elevates the whole package. "Seductive" is the incorrect emotion for the subject matter but whatever. Ignoring the subject matter is the only way you can enjoy the song, so if that's what one must to do end the night on a high note, so be it. I let it pass, with few regrets.

Like Nutsa, he served enough for me to respect him ~as a performer~ who deserved the result he got. Like "Firefighter", I still have some contempt for the song itself, and there's a strict limit for how Im i'm willing to place it.

Turns out that boundary lies at Marco Mengoni. "Mon amour" always felt like a lazy, soulless answer to "Due vite" for me, and I'm not willing put it ahead, nor to re-examine my stance on DV so quickly after my 2023 ranking. "Due vite" was a song that ultimately wasn't my cup of tea, but it was the superior composition, and deserves a higher mark.

So ultimately, I end with Slimane a bittersweet note. A man with the capability to win the Eurovision Song Contest, yes and who manifested his impending loss with below average penmanship. If the French are looking for someone to blame for not winning once since 1977, they can start with their failure to recognize their 2024 song needed a revamp.

THE RANKING (again)

[bibliophile-dendrophile]

okay so i fell in love with a guy when i was in 8th grade and he broke my heart and i was devastated because we had a beautiful relationship for a whole year and everybody thought we were perfect and i thought he was perfect and i loved him with my whole heart and throughout my grief, there was this friend of mine who stayed and constantly tried to make me feel better and he always made sure i was doing okay and after a year or so, he got a girlfriend and i started getting jealous and realized i actually had feelings for him but he didn't, of course but then his girlfriend left him and he was sad and i was sad and we just somehow became friends with benefits and did some shit after which i shifted and i was sad again and he stopped texting me and later i found out his girlfriend came back to him and i was in trauma and then i got into college, it was a huge blow because i felt like i lost everything at once- being with my best friends, school, love, everything, until one day when i started talking to this boy who was really cute and was so alone and lonely and desperately needed someone and i got attracted to him because i was literally the same (except the cute part) and after a while, we came into a relationship which was going amazing but after a few months, i realized that it was only attraction i felt towards him because i was so lonely and he wasn't treating me right and was being a burden to me, not letting me do things i loved and all that bs and i left him, now he's devastated, i'm free, feeling invincible, strong and what not until now, now now now now now i just feel lonely again and i texted my ex because he was a sad person back then and i didn't know why he was sad and later i found out i was not his first gf as he told me and that just made me mad back then because he LIED to me but now that i think of it, he just had some issues that i was too ignorant to find out about and i really understand why he did what he did because now i'm in the same place so i just sent him a text saying that i was sorry that i judged him when i didn't know what he was going through and thanked him because by breaking up, he actually made me that the world is not some pretty story book and shit happens and he taught me a lot of stuff and later i texted him saying if he ever feels like ghosting everyone and getting lost but can't do it because he's scared that if he gets lost, he will never be found and i knew it would resonate with him because for once, i actually understood him and he hearted that text and my heart bloomed at that and i'm so fucking scared of my own feelings what is wrong with me?

[ladyxskywalker]

sky lady late night rambles 🌙🥰

stayed up too late working on a crochet order for my small business

(Yes, I finally did it ! just starting out)

& at the same time, I was also on the phone with my boyfriend (he was telling me gossip from trivia night & funny stories about friends)

so we both got off the phone quickly because I didn't realize what time it was & I think he said real fast "go, go to sleeps, night night, love you, goodnight" so I said it back "ok, talk to you tomorrow, love you goodnight"

then the phone call cut off, so I wasn't sure if he heard me 😬 I was so scared !

but he did ! he heard me & texted me right after "love you too" 🥰

It made me so giggly & happy right before bed.

I'm so glad we finally feel comfortable saying it to each other & now he's been saying it more often without being afraid to express his feelings. 💐❤️

over the weekend, we were talking & he was holding me after I was confiding in him about struggling a bit & he just said "I love you, everything is ok, I'm sorry I didn't say it when I should have."

It meant so much because I was so worried he didn't feel the same. That was my biggest wish for him to love me back.

Sat will be our 1 year anniversary. 💌

I can't believe we've seen 4 seasons together, shared so many special moments & made a lot of loving memories.

June 2022, he was just "baseball guy ⚾️" here on the blog ! I saw him for the first time & didn't even know his name.

Dec 2022, he was "grumpy bb", & at first I thought that he couldn't stand me at all !

Jan 20th 2023, with a funny nudge from my best friend AR, we talked for the first time & hit it off immediately.

Jan 21st 2023, my phone broke & I had no way of contacting him. we were supposed to hang out on this day, so I went to the bar in person to wait for him. our best friend, "JJ"wrote his number down on my receipt for me, which I still have & carry with me in my purse wherever I go. The entire thing is faded except for his number & the date on the bottom.

Jan 29th 2023, we went for a walk in the cold winter & bonded over loving the movie "March of the Wooden Soldiers". We shared our first kiss, & my silly friends witnessed the whole thing. It was hysterical & wonderful at the same time.

Feb 2023, I gave him a special keychain of a plane that has meaning for us. Months later, he gave me a little blue pin with a plane on it, too.

Fast Forward >>> to Now 💫

We're pretty much inseparable. Sure, we've had our ups & downs, stupid fights & misunderstandings. No one said this would be easy or perfect. But I feel like we are it for each other & I wouldn't have it any other way.

Jan 2024, he's my best friend, the love of my life. I feel like the universe led us to one another when we needed each other more than ever.

❄️💙

[haggishlyhagging]

On the night of July 10, 1963, I was talking to Rick on the phone. He had gone back to Utah to teach summer school at Utah State, and I'd stayed behind in Minnesota to have the baby at the university clinic. As I stood there in the bedroom of our mobile home with his voice in my ear, the membrane broke and amniotic fluid gushed hotly down my legs. "It's coming, Rick" I cried. "I'm on my way," he promised. Shirley Wallace, a Mormon friend who lived near in another trailer (and who would be in the same hospital having her third baby a week later), drove me to the hospital that night.

There I began an agonizing thirty-six-hour labor, during which it's possible I might have died if Rick hadn't arrived and forced someone to come and look at me. "Oh," they said. "How long do you say she's been in labor?" "Thirty-six hours!" he bellowed. So they checked me, realized I'd never go into the final stages on my own, and gave me some intravenous chemical to make up for my lack. I realized with shock that if I'd lived a generation or two earlier, I'd have died in childbirth. That experience was also the first time, but not the last, that I was made aware of the immense indifference of many who attend women in hospitals.

That Rick had dropped the phone and sped to Minneapolis to be with me was very gratifying. But he could never bear to wait, and as the labor dragged on and on he became annoyed not just at the doctors, but at me for having prompted him to come so soon, as if I should have been able to foresee my thirty-six hour long performance. On top of the postpartum blues, which struck me down while I was still in the hospital and subsequently tortured me for weeks, guilt was subtly created in me because of his unnecessarily long wait in Minneapolis, when he shouid have been finishing up his class at Utah State.

As I look back, I realize that women have always been manipulated by guilt. Men are socialized to deal with women this way, and we women are socialized to accept the guilt they lay on us.

After having been pummeled half to death in the preposterously and unnecessarily long labor, which it seemed nobody cared about except Rick and me, Eric was finally born. A wizened little old man. (I called him "Oldie" for a long time.) Because of his rocky horror of a birth, he was a colicky, restless baby for the first few months. As I slogged about in a fog of fatigue and postpartum depression, I found myself wondering why I had to bear this burden so alone.

From the first, Rick was never very interested in parenting and consequently never did much of it. This disappointed me, but I accepted it as The Way Things Are. My friend Hazel reminds me of the day, a week or so after Eric's birth, that I called her in tears. My breasts were infected, I had a temperature of 104, and Eric, not being able to nurse, was even more colicky and cross than usual. I'd reached the limits of my endurance. Could she please come over and take Eric home with her for a little while so I could rest? She sped over, to find Rick studying in the kitchen, seemingly oblivious to any problem, and me, dizzy with fever and fatigue, determinedly bathing Eric in the kitchen sink so he'd be fresh for her to take. She remembers being shocked and angry at Rick and thinking to herself, "It's rough for me," (she was having extreme difficulty adjusting to the Mormon wife role) "but Sonia's got it worse."

In those first few months of motherhood, before I succeeded in stifling such "unnatural" thoughts, I wondered guiltily whether it was possible that I'd been deceived about motherhood's being the totally fulfilling activity the church and society assured me it was. It didn't take me long to learn that this was indeed a myth for a good many women, if not for most.

-Sonia Johnson, From Housewife to Heretic

[drizzileiscool]

BIG GIANT POST ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE PLAYING TWEWY!!!!!!

CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

NO I HAVE NOT PLAYED NEO YET!!!! I AM POOR!!!!! PLEASE DON'T SPOIL ME ON IT!!!!!! I've played some of the demo though!!!!!

I first decided to get into twewy last month. I saw that there was a switch version available, but I was unable to play that version. I did, however, have a ds emulator, but after talking to some people I realized I probably would've gotten arthritis playing it on emulator.

When I was just about ready to give up, I decided to watch the first episode of the anime. I enjoyed it a bit.

I was then told to not watch the anime.

So you may be wondering.. "How did you play twewy?"

I played the mobile version. Solo mix. Yeah that one. The one not available for current gen phones.

I found a link to a modded version on an old reddit thread that was updated for current gen android phones, and one of my friends helped me get it set up, and I was finally ready to play.

During my first few hours, I didn't actually like neku all that much. Honestly, he was a dick. i remember what you said about plushies, neku. i will not forgive this as a plushie enthusiast.

While playing the game, I was under the assumption that I would get to change partners whenever once I unlocked it. Rhyme seemed cool, so I was hoping to get to partner with her.

And then the game killed her off.

Despite not knowing anything about rhyme, she was still my favorite character. Besides beat of course, but that's later during week 3.

I remember that I was crying when I first saw her death. I was all like "why did they make such a cool character design, just to kill her off?? that doesn't make sense."

earlier today I saw a tweet on twitter that said "cute cosplay idea for couples!" and it was a rhyme cosplay and a shark costume and I nearly lost my shit laughing, so I guess I'm over it.

When week 1 was ending, I remember feeling like "wait, that's it?" of course, I was wrong.

anyways week 2 now uhh uhhhhhh-

when I first met joshua and learned that I could scan him I was all like "huh???". also excellent foreshadowing there, square enix!

also JOSHUA IS A FRUIT YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS PERSON ISN'T GAY JUST LOOK AT HIM

at this point, I didn't really know what to expect anymore. the game broke one of its already established rules, "players can't scan other players" so I had no idea what was coming next anymore.

SHO MINAMIMOTO IS HOT!!!!

uhhg. don't got anything else to say about this week except I genuinely thought hanekoma was the composer.

I was extremely shocked to learn that joshua killed neku during this week, and was even more shocked to learn that it was a misfire (and then I learned it wasn't a misfire but that's in week 3 and we haven't gotten to that yet!)

WEEK THREE!!! BEAT TIME!!!

alright, before I started week 3, I actually didn't like beat all that much. that changed a LOT during week 3. he is now one of my favorite characters.

later that week, I had finally learned joshua was the composer and was actually extremely shocked lol.

oh uh I also got spoiled on how beat and rhyme got hit by a car from ign so uhhhh oops

SHO SOMEHOW GOT HOTTER!!!!

I beat the game. I loved the credits theme (and will rewatch the credits later) and really liked how neku threw off his headphones to symbolize how he won't shut himself off from the world anymore.

10/10 game, really enjoyed playing it!

also there was a scene early on where neku went up to a reaper and said I know what you are and I didn't get to screenshot it :(

so.. yeah! my experience with twewy! good game! one of my favorites now! getting neo soon!

[lbwp]

Welcome to my gra/ey area

Welcome? Hi? Whatever the kids these days say. I say as if I'm not still technically a kid in so many ways. No, in truth I am an adult, I'm nearing 20 in just under two months. However I feel like I am still stuck in the issues of a teenagers mind.

Hi, my name is Cetari, and I'm asexual...I think.

For the larger part of my youth I swore off dating, I was a very independent girl, and I wasn't interested in being tied to another person. I also didn't experience the crushes that everyone around me seemed to. It wasn't until years later that I realized what that could mean. Even when I first dated a boy in middle school, I wasn't really sure what I felt was a crush, and ended up deciding I just liked him as a friend. There was always a grey area for me, between what was friendship, and a desire to be friends, vs what I thought meant I liked someone. I built all of my ideas off of the media I consumed, because what else was I supposed to look at. I developed sky high standards and expectations. I dated my second boyfriend when I was 14. He was my first kiss, and I could tell I liked kissing him, or I liked kissing. We never went farther than making out, he never tried, and to be perfectly honest it rarely crossed my mind. When it did it was in the context of not really wanting it, and hoping he didn't. at the time I attributed this to my age, and figured I wasn't ready yet, but would be eventually.

When I broke up with him, i noticed a trend. A trend of two, but all the same to me it was a similarity that could not be overlooked. Both of my relationships ended by my own hand, both because I reached a point where I seemingly lost feelings for the other person. Looking back 6 and 8 years later I have so many reasons and explanations I wish I had known then. But alas there was so much I didn't admit to myself for years. I didn't come out until I was 17, and even then I didn't(still haven't) really come out publicly. I tell my close friends, the people who it's relevant to, but really not everyone needs to know.

It took me so long to realize I wasn't straight, and I now think that it's because I am also ace. For years I would say I wish I could be attracted to women, because I liked them better... Girl who was I kidding, I think every one of my friends except for me knew I was gay. I now identify officially as pan for all intents and purposes. I think I struggled for so long because I didn't think I was physically attracted to women, without realizing I'm just not physically attracted to anyone. I had this assumption that I was straight because that's the human default right? (no stupid, it's not turns out) I just thought maybe I was too young to be interested in sex, and I never had anyone to talk to about it. My mom and I didn't talk about things like that, I didn't have any sisters, or older female role models.

So for the past 2 years I have drifted in and out of saying I'm asexual. It's always been an 'I think' or an 'I'm pretty sure'. Which is still where I am if I'm being completely honest with myself, but I'm about 99% sure. Unfortunately I have this nasty habit of second guessing the crap out of myself even when all evidence points to one answer.

So there's way more than you ever needed to know about me, enjoy, and don't worry, I'll be back with plenty more because this is a topic that has been causing a host of issues for me recently.

Sincerely,

Someone who wonders why they are the way they are.

[pagingdoctorbedlam]

ok so here's my idea

czerny taps horns/antlers with ebenholz and its just a gay little thing they do.

and hibiscus sees it and goes "what was that"

and theyre both like.. "uh oh that? oh. thats embarassing. you werent supposed to see"

(I've actually had similar thoughts before about Ebenholz showing affection through little goat-headbutts...but this idea is super cute. Now you've gone and inspired a ficlet. I hope you're happy. XD)

As with most habits Czerny had picked up since joining Rhodes Island, this one was Ebenholz's fault.

Czerny had never been big on physical affection. Hands to himself, content to acknowledge others with a nod or even a half-bow, not too keen on unexpected contact with anyone. Ebenholz tried to carry himself in much the same way, was nothing but unfailingly polite, but it was clear to anyone who spent more than five minutes with him that the Caprinae was starved for touch and attention both.

The first time had caught Czerny off guard. He'd been working on a composition, practicing a progression so quick he had to play hand-over-hand to reach the notes in time, when he'd felt a solid tap against one of his antlers. He'd startled, wracking his brain over what he might've accidentally hit with them (it had taken quite some time to get used to most of the landship's doorways), only to find Ebenholz standing there.

"You've been here for hours now. It's dinner time. Up with you."

"Right. Did you...knock on my antler?"

"You didn't hear me the first time, but I also did not want to risk being smacked."

Czerny almost retaliated that he would never, but then again, he did once accidentally give Chiave a bloody nose after the man had unexpectedly slapped him on the back. That had been embarrassing enough, though it also somehow earned the so-called gang leader's respect. A confusing man, that one.

He'd thanked Ebenholz, and joined him for dinner in what quickly became routine. Seemed that wherever Czerny might end up, Ebenholz could always seek him out if needed, and would always catch his attention by tapping one of his horns to Czerny's antlers. It was reminiscent of the Caprinae and Elafia children back home, often headbutting each other to play or get attention from their parents. (Not that Czerny had ever done the same...much.) Perhaps such was a habit Ebenholz had never quite outgrown?

Still, Czerny didn't realize how routine it had become until one day when he was asked to grab Ebenholz from the trading post. The young man barked orders and verbally cut down traders who tried to swindle him with all the authority of a former Graf Urtica, and Czerny certainly didn't wish to throw him off. So he approached quietly, waited for an opportune moment, and leaned over to tap an antler against Ebenholz's horn.

The young man turned, and broke out into a grin that somehow made his entire ashen-pale face seem bright. "Ah, Czerny. Is my shift over already? Forgive me for losing track of the time...shall we get going, then?"

Something about that expression did a funny thing to Czerny's stomach. He must've been hungrier than he thought. Surely that was all. He shoved the idea that it might mean anything more so thoroughly out of his mind that he didn't think about it again until months later.

A combat mission had just wrapped up. Ebenholz had made it back to the transport first, sitting in a dark corner with his eyes shut to block out an oncoming headache. Czerny took the seat next to him, waiting a moment to announce his presence with a tap. Ebenholz glanced up at him from under his bangs and smiled.

Except this time, someone noticed. A someone called Hibiscus. "Oh, what was that? Some sort of Leithanien greeting?"

Czerny's eyes shot up to meet hers. She was smiling, but it was more than her usual peaceful grin. No, there was a spark behind this one. Sly, some might call it, as if "sly" and "Hibiscus" could ever be put in the same sentence together.

"It is..." Czerny found himself at a loss for words. What was this, really? It had long gone beyond a simple greeting, but he didn't have the words for what it had become. It was a way to say "I'm here" without words. A halfway point between needing to touch and not wanting to be touched at all. An assurance. Trust.

"It's just a little thing we do," Ebenholz answered, soft but with an air of finality that invites no further conversation on the matter. "Do not worry yourself overmuch about it, Fraulein."

"Right, of course. Well, if neither of you are hurt, I'll let you get to it." Hibiscus had the audacity to wink at them as she walked away. The duo waited until she was gone to look at each other and silently ask: what were they really doing? What was this thing between them, really?

They didn't answer aloud. Ebenholz inclined his head. Czerny tapped, antler to horn. The pair smiled and settled in for the ride back. And when Ebenholz leaned against him and closed his eyes, Czerny found he didn't mind that so much either.

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

I love Janine this episode xD

"They knew I was lying" SLFHFJSKD xDD

I love her lol

"That's concerning" xDD

I mean they could be schools too though lol, tbh I believe them xD

Ahhh I thought it was the mx for a second like wrong first name but it's the spelling xD

JANINE LOL

Honey xD

MELISSA GOING TO GO STAND WITH HER SKFHDJS

Melissa xD

Their face 💀

"Ja" SLFJFHSK JANINE XDD

Jacob I swear if you do it over text or call- sir get it together 😭 xD

SPCJSUANWPAUUUOH NO I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT

Imagine if he proposed or something-

Lol sorry xD ik it wouldn't be I just mean like something the opposite xD

Gregory does not want to be here for this xD

OPE NO CHOICE NOW

He didn't say that I just know he won't want to

SLFKGHDKS JACOB STARTING TALKING AROUND GREGORY XDD

Oh poor Gregory I'm so sorry lol

I know it would pain me too lol xD

Also it would be wild if Zach really does go like "I realized how much I love you :))" or like "are you doing okay?" xD

Yk maybe if they break up now we can fix it later in the episode :'))

Maybe :'))

Hear me out xD

Because this moved along a lot quicker than I thought it would from being 7 minutes in lol I thought there would only be time to breakup xD

Though there is still Barbara's whole plot

Also they deserve better than a middle for he episode breakup You Know What if that happens 😤 xD

"I've been rather frustrated" sorry Zach I can't take you seriously- /lh xD

I think honestly any wording in a blunt way just makes it more awkward for Gregory and that may be a reason for it lol xD not that they can't be blunt but yk

Aww and confused 😭😭 stop he sounded so sad :'((

Turns out Zach doesn't think they're having problems :'))

Maybe if they break up Jacob will realize how much he still loves him and wants to be with him :'D or both of them :'D help please :D

Poor Gregory xD sir at this point just leave lol

I would not be able to handle being there for that xD not bc I love them but bc it would be awkward lol

SLFHFSK yeah you have been xD

See this is why you guys never break up because you're too honest and accepting of your faults and sweet xD except clearly not honest enough lol

I swear though if this is all some elaborate ruse

I don't think it is but like xD

"My brother if I could just-" Bro is trying his BEST SLFHSJLDS 💀💀 XDDD

He does not wanna be here for this and I wouldn't either

PLEEEASE don't do this to me I feel like they will and then Gregory's gonna be left standing there awkwardly as the end of the scene 😭

But hey maybe that leaves time for reconciliation :D

Probably not but I can cope :')

It would be funny if Zach asks if it's from quitting vaping lol like the behavior

And nice callback/consistency :)) or if that actually is the reason xD but yk the 7 months thing so who knows

I thought Jacob said he'd been being frustrating and confusing but I went back (just to go back not for that) and he did not so slightly less immediately broke down and was honest there lol

Wait nah he's not gonna-

YEAH COUPLE'S THERAPY LOL

Jacob xD you idiot

Unfortunately this means they will probably break up at the end of the episode :') or before the end anyway

Since it's not now xd

Help I'm hurting

Let's just hope they actually do and it works xD :')

AUGH JACOB

aoguh

oaughHaug my CAPS COME BACK HERE I NEED YOU

AOGUHAUAIOGH

JACOB STOP

JACOB WHY

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

The way he said it 😭😭 xD sad and funny

Also!hey :')))) at least this means they could get back together by later :'))

Or he'll back down now lol

But I think we might end the scene and come back to it later? Hopefully not lol

Gregory awkwardly standing there like xD

Let me see his face I need to see it lol

It's my only solace here xd 😭

SKFJHDKS Zach's face xD but also 😭😭😭💔💔 my honey DD':

My honeys honestly 😭😭😭😭 D':

Yep Gregory's awkward xD feeling it I mean

LOL yes run XD

SLFJGHDKS MR. JOHNSON STANDING THERE WITH A TRASH CAN LOL

He just wants to be in on it lol xD

It would be wild if he set all this up-

Sorry I'm fine and rational I promise xD

SLDKFHDKS MR. JOHNSON

A H NO THEY'RE BACK CRAP

But I mean at least I get to see it 😭😭😭 they deserve that much tbh xd

Or maybe they'll talk it out :')? Or be almost at that point and then later we found out they did? Whatever works? Please :')?

The sub stuff is already mostly figured out so we've got plenty of time for this and the other one 😭 unfortunately and fortunately xD

Jacob don't turn it back on him lol

Just stop repeating him man 😭

OKAY Zach said "Jacob. You s" before I paused and the genuine emotion like without comedy there was too much for me I ant handle this 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔

Guys help help guys save me

This is one of the few times I think you'll find me genuinely having a breakdown on my blog show wise lol. Like sadness wise, especially liveblog wise lol

So hey at least there's that xd I am not always happy (with the decisions lol)

Pleeeeas don't do this to me

I should stop the post but I think I wanna keep it going xd all in one post and what not

They deserve that 😭

Ik I'm talking like they're already dead but please guys don't break up xdd

I mean be happy but I want you to be happy together xdd

Okay there was some comedy there vibe wise as I figured out still that hurt 😭

Jacobbbb stop trying to pin the blame on him 😭 ik you hate this but you did it

Honestly despite my screaming howling pain and misery if they really do I will be proud of Jacob for actually doing it lol

And I'm afraid that's what's supposed to happen xd 😭

HE DID NOT

Jacob stop gaslighting him 😭 I love you but sir xd

AWW APIGUOSHUHHH- I can't the that time oh my gosh

He's about to do it

Or actually force Jacob to be honest

Or break my heart (though both of those would) but yk in a separate way like about he was gonna propose at some point or how much he loves him or something

That would just about kill me and I would die right here 😌

OKAY NOPE IT WAS A "WHAT'S GOING ON" OPTION TWO GUYS HONESTLY THE BEST OUT OF ALL BUT NOW I HAVE TO CONFRONT IT 😭😭😭💔

And so do they 😭😭😭💔 :'((

JACOBBBB NOOOO

But also don't deny it I mean xd

Tbh I just don't deserve this

One second let me just-

AAAAAAAAAUOOUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

I'm fine :')

Yk what no no I'm not 😭😭😭😭 :'((

Screaming sobbing throwing up how could you do this to me

No Jacob don't deny it sir I swear-

JUST BE FREAKING HONEST

OKAY AIGOGDUUAGAUUHHHOGIHHGGGGH but at least the did :') 😭😭😭😭😭💔

Jacob. That hurt me. How could you ever do this to me

Zach's gonna agree or something and that lessens the chances of fixing it but also that makes it slightly easier sooo idk xd

Okay at least we're being genuine now 😭😭😭💔 :'((

Honeyyyys 😭😭😭💔 I mean yeah that tracks but xd the afraid to rip of the band-aid bit, as the reason I mean lol

Okay bandage my bad I paused lol

OH MY GOSH HE'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHILE SOUNDING LIKE HE'S CRYING LIKE THAT HE LOVES HIM I'M NOT OKAY-

Y'all this is too emotional for them to get back together they're really doing this to me 😭 I haven't accepted it till now and probably won't for the next 26 years but yk x'd

AOUGHHHHHAHHHHH "THIS SUCKS" YES IT DOES SUCK 😭😭😭💔💔💔

Not as bad as it could've been though, what he said wise :')

Yeah 😭😭😭😭💔

. . . do I deserve a kiss for all my efforts/pain though (the answer is yes but will I get one xdd a goodbye kiss for them I mean lol)

Should you be doing this in the middle of the school day by the way guys x'D sorry unrelated lol

Not really but yk xd

I better get a hug though not just a dejected stand

AOUGH NOPE THEY'RE GONNA CONTINUE TALKING OUCH

AUGHO why'd you have to say thank you I deserved an I love you there

We can worry about Jacob's growth later let me be sad and emotional and in the moment 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔❤️

SLFKFHSK JACOB

SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT xd

I swear if the only reason Zach wanted to actually break up was because of the stuff you've been doing Jacob-

IF YOU'VE KILLED THIS FOR ME xd-

It is not a funny story Jacob bc ik that's what you're gonna say after really when I unpause this lol xd

Yep xD

And I think Zach agrees lol

Yk this was almost amicable xd

JACOB

How many times did that happen xD

I appreciate the jokes to lighten the mood but guys xdd

Also honestly just let me be sad lol I need it xd

NOT THE FULL NAME

Sir this was so close to being amicable 😭😭

I mean I don't want the secret but like xD

APCIENAO IS HE GONNA CALL HIM A SOB

Probably not but xD

Glad we're also acknowledging Jacob's non-growth lol

AOCURUANODAUHOL NOPE JUST THE B :O

SLFKGJDKHS LOWKEY ICONIC THOUGH ON ZACH'S PART AND ON JACOB FOR BEING CALLED THAT XD

Hold up now xd-

The what 😭

Guys I am not emotionally okay xdd

I'm shaking as I try to breathe lol

And I cannot take seriously what Zach is doing right now 😭😭 xD

Desperately hoping I get more in my feels so I can avoid this /hj-

WHY IS THE KRAKEN FLAPPING. ZACH.

YES understandable Zach xD but the yes was also for Jacob bc it needed to be said

Sweet prince??? Slfjghsks??? What do y'all have going here I swear xDD

Honestly fair though Zach don't have to care xd

But also. Did you have to try and break my heart in every possible guys xd

Zach this is about to be uncalled for- :OO >:OO THEY WERE NEVER FUN

Yk idk if I could get over this if they did ret back together ngl xdd

My babeys don't deserve this 😭😭😭😤💔

Fair and real though for Zach to go off mans was just broken up with

Also I cannot help but figure Mr. Johnson and Gregory are listening at the door 💀

:OOO AT TRIVIA NIGHT!!

Okay now Jacob looks angry too and fair enough xdd

Also not the callback to the first time we saw Zach, and I don't deserve this :))) 😭. The and isn't needed there but idk I wanted it

SLFJFHSKDS NOT THE SINGING XD

Fair and real Zach but also

Zach leads the choir song-

Awww honeyyy 😭😭😭😭💔💔

Now give me the sadness back xdd

Yk the anger makes it easier but also I still don't deserve this xd

Also as I've been wondering, where is Janine in all this 😭 your bestie needs you D':<

Yep Gregory's is stills standing there xD

Yep you should've xdd

SHLFHSKDS GREGORY

Nahh for him too

Awww yeah :')) 😭😭😭😭❤️💔

Awww :'))) (the "I do have other pens")

Okay! So! I did not deserve this!

[khaleesiofalicante]

Okay, this is actually a pretty funny story! Just to be clear: I'm a little bit of an idiot, so you shouldn't be surprised by any of this.

Point is... I met a guy a couple of months ago, right? Let's call him Jesse. Well, we've seen each other a couple of times but that was it, until we stumbled across each other and he asked my name and I asked his because idk why we had no clue about it lol. Well, we started seeing each other more, stoping to talk, texted each other a little bit, etc. I had no idea it was something romantic, I just thought we were becoming friends LMAO.

So, one day he told me he had an extra ticket for one of his favorite plays and he asked if I was free. I was excited for the play so I agreed (my friends didn't stop making fun of me for two weeks) Well, I went and play was totally amazing!! It was sad, beautiful and heartbreaking! The musicians and people singing were on point! The lighting, my god!! Absolutely stunning!

The point here is… I realized it was a date date, a little bit late… Call me an idiot, but I really thought it was just two friends hanging out, until I got to the teather and I saw him, and I noticed he was really nervous. And in that moment it clicked LMAO. Not to brag, but I’ve been around enough guys that got nervous around me because they like me to know when someone is nervous because of that😂

Well, play was finishing, and we were really close. And he was staring at my lips, he leaned over, and I had enough time to turn around to avoid that. But I didn’t. I also leaned a little. And he kissed me😬. It was actually my first kiss... Idk how some people out there get their first kiss at like 12-16, no shaming, but idk how they do it lol. Buuuut, the problem is… I didn't like him like that and I honestly still don't know why I didn't stop. It's not that I wasn't attracted to him, I just didn't like him romantically... But, because I am stupid, I didn’t stop🙂

Then he hugged me and I just kept repeating “fucking shit” in my head over and over. We left the theater, but I knew I had to clear that up at that moment. First I thanked him for inviting me and then, as the dumbass I am, I was just thinking “hmm, what if I try again? Would it be different?”, so I said fuck it and kissed him lmao. And that time it was really making out LMAO. We were also outside the theater, it was night and the lights were beautiful and there weren't people around (idk, maybe I just like a pretty scenario okay??)

But then I broke apart and told him I needed to clear something up, basically told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I didn't want to date him, or anyone, but that we could be friends, and that I wouldn’t mind kissing again (DON'T JUDGE), but we could keep it casual if he wanted. And he told me that was completely okay and he agreed with it. I asked him like a hundred times just to confirm, but he genuinely seemed to be fine with it, so I said “well, future me will worry about this later LMAO”. And I kissed him again sdjhfafghjsxkz.

So yeah. That’s it basically. Oh, and obviously no one knows. Not my family, (I fucking lost the bet with my mom but I’ll be dammed if she finds out). And I also didn’t tell my friends, except Andrew. Idk why I didn't tell Sarah or Mark, but at the same time I wanted to keep it low-key... And honestly, they would make so much fun of me😂, not in a cruel way but still, and would judge me so much!!! Especially Sarah, who finds romance to be gross lmao. I have a faint suspicion she is aroace but idk

But, because I did tell Andrew on my way back home, because I knew I wouldn’t stand keeping all of that to myself… Oh god, he hasn't stopped making fun of me and making jokes. I love him, but he is an idiot!! But I knew I could tell him and he would maybe judge me a little, but would also let me vent. We have talked about weirder shit lol

So yeah... That 's it. We have gone out a couple of more times (and kissed😂). And I never thought I'd be one for casual relationships, but I gotta admit it's kinda fun (as long as both people are okay with it!!!). This is probably going to bite me in the ass soon, but I will leave that to future me (yeah, I'm going to regret this, but fuck it :))

this was LITERALLY a movie omg I was just reading it like a novel ahhhhh.

Super proud of you for establishing very clear boundaries, being clear what about what you want and what you don't want. Even prouder of you for doing shit's because it's nice and fun.

GOOD FOR YOU, BABE. GOOD FOR YOU.

[hiswordsarekisses]

I’m posting this testimony from a friend and it’s so amazing! God is so faithful to carry us along and reveal His truth to us in His Word!!!

“Some of you don't know this but I had a spiritual mentor from Sri Lanka who actually blew light out his mouth. I initially went to see him for healing because I became really depressed my first year in university. In his first "session" with me he imparted this light into me. He simply blew on my face and tapped his fingers on my forehead. It lasted about 30-45 seconds. It completely "awakened" me and my depression left instantly and I was so joyous! I lost 20 lbs without trying over the next month and was just on fire for life again. I thought I was healed.

Well this guru singled me out of a crowd the second time I went to hear him speak and he offered me a free scholarship to come study with him at his center in Las Vegas. So I went on a week long retreat there. While there, he took special interest in me and would say I was spiritually special and all kinds of things. He would have me sit at the head of the table, even though there were so many rich and famous people sitting at the table and I was just in my early 20s he put me as important.

He was able to perform magical feats. In hinduism it is called performing siddhis. He never said that word to us, but I figured it out after I was saved figured out what was actually going on. I would ask him how he has these powers and "gifts" and he would never answer me.

I was coming out a teenage stint of atheism and so now that this whole new metaphysical world was opening up to me, I was becoming completely fascinated with all things magic, energy, quantum physics, and manifestation. Working with this guru, I started to have more and more supernatural experiences. I witnessed many "miracles" from him. Mystical events that cannot be explained other than through magic or that he was enlightened. I have dozens of stories. So I was convinced he was an enlightened man for quite some time because of all these signs and wonders I was witnessing with my very own eyes and experiencing myself! Little did I realize he was imparting demons into me and opening me up to the spirit realm. I started to be able to see energy, feel spirits touch me and knew when they were in the room, see sparkles of light. I didn't really understand what was going on with me and I wasn't getting any answers either except from the new age movement that these were "gifts" that were being activated.

I had a scary alien encounter during this time when I was awake. But I never got the answer to why would an alien come and scan me until I was saved by Jesus. No one ever mentions on paranormal websites that aliens are demons- (it's something I think more people need to discuss because there are people who are summoning these beings!)

This guru who supposedly cared about me, was actually a hindu/buddhist/narcissistic false prophet warlock who activated the kundalini spirit inside of me.

-----------

17 years later, I prayed a prayer to Jesus and cried in my bathtub while Allison Kraus's song "I Went Down to the River to Pray" was playing in the background. I was brought to Jesus in the water on my knees.

Then a week after that prayer, through unconventional means, it was revealed to me the dark ugly nature of my spiritual mentor. It was as if a spell was broken. Literally, Jesus broke some kind of black magic spell on my life. My whole perception of the guru changed in a flash! He had always told me that he was keeping me in "sacred silence", but once the spell was broken I was free to tell my friend what he actually did to me. I thought I would hold his secrets to my grave. He abused me in a lot of ways-Spiritually, physically, sexually, and emotionally. He was considered more enlightened than the rest of us, and his ways weren't our ways so those of us close to him toughed it out and let him act in crazy unhealthy ways. The belief was that it must be something within us that would make him respond like that type of thinking....it was so backwards.

The woman who wrote the famous Law of Attraction "The Secret" Rhonda Burn was one of his students. He had a lot of famous and rich students. I was so young I had no idea what I was really getting myself into.

But Jesus revealed to me it was total witchcraft. My guru is possessed and connects with demons for super powers. He manipulates energy and the elementals to make matter bend to his will. He is an evil warlock- pretending to be like buddha and Jesus.

Then after I was saved for the next 2 years he would come into my dreams and watch me. He would try to grab me. These were very real dreams. It was almost like he was astral projecting into my dreams. It happened a lot and I would wake up gasping and calling out to Jesus. Thankfully these night terrors are happening less and less.

I just want to give so much thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who continually is saving my soul from Satan's grips and pulling me out of so many deceptions! I have tried so many other spiritual paths and I can say with full assurance that Jesus is the ONLY way! He is the only path to heaven- if we simply believe he came to earth to die for us and atone for our sins we will be saved! He will deliver us out of every deception.

I don't know why I have been so susceptible to magic, signs and wonders, seeing to believe, Christian false prophets, and guru/shamanic warlocks. I've had one HELL of a ride. It's not because I'm particularly dumb, it's that I guess I was excited and hoping that there was more to this life. But there isn't. A normal spiritual life is not marked by signs and wonders. It is marked by the fruit I show as I walk closer to Jesus. It isn't about anointing, fire, miracles, deliverance, gifts, etc. It's about knowing and reading and living out the Word and sharing the good news.

God is doing a miracle in my life lately. My theology is finally becoming more and more solid. I am starting to figure out biblical truth because I researched many different denominations and through trial and error had to figure out which one's knew the biblical truth and lived it out, and which ones are in error. I'm not saying I know it all, (far from that) but I'm starting to really know what I believe and why and understand and spot false doctrine within the church. It's a lot to learn and figure out on your own, but praise be to God I'm getting there.”

[aheart-on]

One more week, except I'm practically back from a year ago.

It's our finals week before the end of the first semester of my third year in uni. I should be pouring my brains out and scouring every page and study the life out of me but all I could think about are the words of a friend last Friday.

"You deserve effort, Belle." "Only you could put boundaries, and it's up to only you on how long you could endure this."

"I'm here, you're not alone."

"It's okay to feel that way..."

I'm glad I asked to talk to that friend, those words may not be much for others but those were enough for me. At that moment I felt seen and understood and that made me calm down. But I also cried my eyes out to him and I suppose I should be embarrassed but I felt safe to cry and not suppress the tears so I just.. released.

I really am not the type to hide my heart on my sleeve. I just physically can't and I don't know why. That friend remarked on how this is both a blessing and a curse for me and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I am happy on how I am able to feel joy and love at an extreme but at the same time, when the hurt comes through, I couldn't ignore how overpowering it is and I'd wish I don't feel anything at all. I also realized I am a verbal processor. I like to talk. I like to write my thoughts out, even more so when talking it out. But then, I don't know, I feel ashamed of being this away. Maybe because people around me are not like this. They are able to be nonchalant, to go on with their daily tasks even though they have the heaviest heart at tow... I couldn't be like that. But when I do, I don't feel like myself. They say it's called being brave, I say it's called having no choice but to break.

It was in this month last year when my ex completely flipped the switched on me. He called my questions and compromises as "demands", and that I'm too much, too dramatic, too negative, when all I did was to ask why he's so angry with me, why every little thing ticks him off, and why does it feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Because it did feel that way. He wasn't like that during our first few months. He said he doesn't know. But then when we broke up, he told me the truth. He said the thrill wasn't there anymore. The spark was gone. And then proceed to go back talking to his ex and meeting someone new whilst still talking to me and saying how much he still loves me. My weight drastically dropped and during the time when he said how handful I am, and how tired he is of handling me and my 'demands', I was on medication. I was on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and apparently something for schizophrenia. I stopped taking them when our relationship took a turn and I knew it was because of my meds. Because it was changing me. But later on, I realized how he didn't support me at all. He showed no consideration for me even though he knows I am on medication and that it costs me a lot-- financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I loved him so much I chose to tend to him instead of myself. And I think my body still remembers it. Still remembers the chase. The begging. The crying. The blows. The neglect. The feeling of being used. It's only been buried deep deep down ever since I got away from him and have been okay than ever. And maybe the reason why I am anxious than ever, with all that's happening within my family and my current relationships, is because whenever my body senses the feeling of hurt it translates it into feeling unsafe and puts my entire system on edge, anticipating the worst to come because that's how it was. I think he really did fuck me up and I am forever cursing him for this. No one deserves to be treated like that. It was also this month last last year when I first caught my father cheating. And this year, guess what? Caught him again. The funny thing is, it went exactly as the first time. He came home with food that he 'bought' even though he practically had no money, wasn't able to catch my eye, restless, and going straight to the bathroom to wash away his sins, maybe? (There's this rule, if you may, in our religion that when you had intercourse and had your climax, you should take a bath before praying.) And when he came home yesterday, it was close to the noon prayer. Which is why he did took a bath. And then my mother noticed. Everything went down, I went out, cried until my eyes were puffed and bled, and went home to console my mother in pieces.

But yeah, one more week to go. I should be able to exert every effort to do well with my exams, but.. who knows what this week will bring me. I am hoping for something good.

A dutch mill, maybe?

[borderlinegamer]

Fri, Sep 15

Our car is leaking oil. I don't know what exactly is wrong or how much it's gonna cost to fix but I'm exhausted. Things keep going wrong, why?

My dad has been a mechanic my entire life. When I was 16 I got my first car. It had stipulations. It was a totaled out 2001 or 2002 Volkswagen beetle in the color black. It was the car I wanted. It cost them $800 but the entire front end was missing except the engine. The stipulation was that I get a job, quit color guard and pay for all the parts and that I rebuild it with my dad. I'm positive my dad took some of my part money and used it for other things but it took an entire year to get the car built as he refused to do anything to it in the winter or put it in the garage to rebuild. It didn't have airbags or working seatbelts but it was finally built and drivable. It was only drivable for 6 months. It broke down a winter morning on my way to school. My dad refused to fix it and I had to buy another car which was a 1998 honda accord. I loved the honda so much. When my dad was getting siding on the garage the leader of the team doing it offered him a discount and some cash for the bug sitting in the backyard. My dad fixed the bug and took the deal without telling me. He pocketed the cash and didn't give me a fucking dime.

Fast forward to now and a few cars later my husbands car shit out on us. The transmission blew. We had 3k in savings and wanted to spend around $2500 for something old but reliable. We asked my dad to go with us to check it out in hopes he could spot something shady. My mistake was not realizing he's not at all reliable at the moment due to the divorce. He let us buy an absolute junker for $2400. First it was the exhaust, then spark plugs. We thought the nightmare was over and drove it 30 min to an odesza concert and the stupid light came on again. And now it's pouring oil in my driveway. We have maybe 1500 in savings. We are in about 3k on this car. My husband's not rich but wealthy has a million dollars in retirement and has bought the other siblings houses parents won't help us. My theory is because my husband didnt finish school when covid hit. The best they offered was an older Kia soul so his dad could make a business deal with the guy selling it. Not reliable at all with high mileage. These are the same people that were okay with paying a contractor AND his apprentice $300/hr to remodel their kitchen. The same people who brag to us about their millionaire friends paying for their entire wine country vacation while they griped about us asking for help.

I'm so tired. I didn't ask to be here. I especially didn't ask to be born into mentally ill ridden generational poverty.

*manifestation*

I will have money. I will have money to give us a better home and means of transportation. I'll have enough money so we can go on at least one vacation a year or to reduce my breasts to a comfortable size. We will have money and we won't have to watch your rich parents dog for only $200 when they were spending upwards of 1k a week to put her in a doggy hotel. We won't have to watch them not help us and also have my narc dad telling us it's our fault because we didn't wash his flea dog.

I want fucking change.

Edit: just got done cleaning out my car to get ready to sell. I drive a nicer 2012 civic but u haven't driven a long distance in about a year due to my ptsd so I figured we could sell it and get a nicer car for both of us to drive that's reliable. I had lent my dad my car a few months ago when his was badly damaged in a wreck. I found this present from him borrowing my car while I was cleaning it. I never noticed before because I don't really look up in my car.

My therapist asked me why I haven't cut ties, and I ask myself that every day. I don't know whether I want to die or him to die. Jesus fucking christ.

[over-dramatic-diary]

the first time i knew i was in love.

I really enjoyed the format of telling y'all a story from my life that defines me as a person. So we're gonna do that again. I give you, the first time I knew I was in love.

I was seeing this young man who we'll call Spencer. So I had been seeing him for about two months, though we had recently decided to only be friends because his mental health was not the best at the moment, and he didn't want to cause himself much else to worry about for that time. But we never were only friends. We kissed and talked deeply, and told each other things we probably shouldn't have. In the end, on the night of his birthday, I had tried to plan a little board game night, but it had been last minute enough that he and I were the only attendees.

So we played stupid games, drank more than we should have for a Tuesday night, and skipped over to a friend's apartment for a brief birthday smoke session. After, we got Canes, where he got a large sweet tea and then proceeded to spill all over his living room. We watched the both most idiotic and funniest sitcom of all time. In the end, we were playing my family's somewhat stupid secret card game, and decided to play Two Truths and a Lie. We got down into the game, and my options were as follows:

I cannot count how many cousins I have on two hands

I broke my spine because I fell off the playground age 8

I've never been in love.

Was the final option somewhat leading? You bet your ass it was. But I believed it to be true. But, as I was getting ready to head home for the night around 1 am, I stood up, Spencer kissed me, and I stopped before heading to the door. I looked at him and told him that I might have fibbed a bit that night. When he asked what I meant, I responded as such:

"I fibbed when I said I've never been in love. Because I think I'm a little in love with you."

I meant it, too. I thought I was falling in love with him.

He kissed me again, and said "Let's leave it at that for tonight." And so I left.

The next day, we had work late together and Spencer asked if I wanted to go to his apartment and watch some tv after rehearsal and just hang out. I swear on the stars, I didn't think anything would come of this hangout other than maybe a short makeout session, and talking. Boy, was I wrong.

We go to his apartment and continue on the aforementioned dumbass tv show. We watch an entire season, and then we start bouncing back and forth cueing up and playing songs that we would show to an alien if they asked us what human music was like. I played Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and You Matter to Me from Waitress. Spencer played Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson and Lana Del Rey.

I heard a thundercrack outside the window. I check from his balcony, and it was pouring, and the weather app says it's not stopping for hours. I was planning on walking the two blocks back to mine, so I ask him if I could sleep on his couch. He says sure, so we go back to music and stupid videos. I realize something a little while later:

He doesn't have a couch. He has a loveseat. And I am either stoned or bold enough to remark out loud that I just realized that I probably couldn't sleep on his couch. He looks me dead in my eyes and says "Oh. We both know you're sleeping in my bed."

DEAR LORD. I didn't know a man could make me feel so looked at. He gives me sweatpants to wear, and I take my earrings out as he puts on one last episode. He turns the tv off and heads into his bedroom. He takes off his shirt. Then his pants. That's when I knew I would be learning more about Spencer than I thought he would let me.

We get into bed. We kiss. Spencer asks how far I wanna go, and I tell him I want to go his speed, as far and as slow as he wants to. Soon though, there isn't a single layer of fabric between us. We spend the entire night tossing and turning, taking breaks to talk. That man told me things in his bed that I will take to my grave. I shall say no more on the subject, except that we only got about three hours of sleep that night.

It was the first time I had ever made love or spent the night in another man's bed.

I woke up the next morning, and we agreed to hit snooze for five more minutes. I lay my head across his chest, and we hold hands before either of us is fully conscious. Soon, I pick up my head, lean on my elbow, and stroke his chest gently to wake him fully. He turns his head to me, and just as he opens his eyes, he moves them into a shaft of early morning sunlight coming through his blinds.

This is the moment I knew I was in love. Fully and truly and indubitably. I knew because his normally dark and bottomless eyes were suddenly the most intense hue of gold that I had ever seen. It was not a color or a shade or a tint. This gold was far too piercing and sparkling to be anything but its purest form. I will never forget the way they both looked and looked at me.

I am feeling nostalgic and reflective tonight, and I thank you for listening to it.

Goodnight loves.

- Jackson

[insertcoolnameherethanks]

this is just a rant about my brother and it won't let me add a read more sorry

I know I'm not the only one to have issues with my sibling, but damn am I emotional about it today. When we were younger, sure we argued but I knew no matter what we had each other's backs. We had planned to get semi matching tattoos! We were still close as we got older, but when he moved away everything changed. I knew he wouldn't text or call much, but I was glad to hear from him once or twice a month. Then radio silence occurred. It's weird going from seeing someone every day to not at all (it isnt like we hung out a lot, I was in uni and we both worked full time).

When I met his girlfriend I felt peace and really liked her. We had long conversations and I thought all was fine. I still don't know if it's her or he just changed. He doesn't even resemble who I once knew. Its been, what, 5 years since he moved away? He would still text and call for the first year or so, but I moved to a similar area to him for work (30 minute drive from our places). I didnt expect him to meet up or talk more often, and he didn't. But he would initiate contact and we would make plans, then day of he would cancel. I moved hours away, and it doesn't even feel like I ever lived close to him other then when we were young.

He got married while I lived 30 minutes from him and I wasnt even invited. He had originally when they were going to do a ceremony, but they eloped (I still saw they had a party after with friends). He hasn't gotten me a Christmas gift for years, when that was a big thing to him when he was younger (i understand not having a lot of money, but even a card to say he was thinking of me would be nice). The straw that broke the camels back was he didn't wish me a happy birthday last year. In fact, none of my friends did except for this dude who is trying to fuck me and my best friend.

When he realized he didn't wish me happy birthday, he didn't even apologize. Just said he was busy. His wife said that people put too much stock in birthdays and we should be happy we are alive, which he agreed with and yes j agree but damn.

We were able to get together for Christmas as a family *I worked last year* and so I got them a card and gift card. I wrote a little note inside that said merry Christmas and had my name on it. When they found out that they had presents from my parents and a card from me, you know what their response was? To roll their eyes. It's a fucking gift. I understand if you are embarrassed cause you can't buy anyone things, but be appreciative we thought of you??? They left snd I found out 2 weeks later from my mom that he had thanked her for the gifts. Guess who didn't get a fucking thank you. Do I want a gift in return? No! Just a thank you would be nice! And it isnt like they thought my parents gave them all the gifts my NAME was on it. Prior to Christmas I hadn't heard from him in months. MONTHS. I still haven't heard from him

It fucking sucks and I'm glad we never got those stupid tattoos. Having every single person ask me about him is infuriating enough, I'm glad I dont have to have a physical fucking reminder. I am not messaging or contacting him at all. I know I'm extremely hurt by other things he has said and done which I didn't write here, but the birthday and Christmas thing were my last straw. That isnt even everything that happened at Christmas but apparently I'm a damn good actress cause my parents didn't have a clue I was upset.